Dear Madeleine,

I manage R&D for a large medical device company. I am at the tail end of my work life. I wanted to retire at the end of this year, but our executive team is encouraging me to stay until I feel comfortable that someone on my team can step into the role.

Right now, I am not seeing a likely replacement. The job requires a wide mix of skills and activities. Although I have shared development ideas with my direct reports, I don’t see anyone doing anything differently.

I just sense that no one really cares much about the job or has the ambition to do anything other than the bare minimum. How can I light a fire under these people?

Where Is the Spark?

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Where Is the Spark?

It might be you, my friend. It sounds like you have made some suggestions that your folks may not quite know what to do with. And they may not know why they should bother.

Getting your people fired up to develop themselves for a senior leadership role requires you to intentionally and systematically tap into their dreams and aspirations, understand their identity—how they see themselves, and convince them of their agency—the extent to which they are empowered to go beyond where they think they can go. It’s up to you to create an environment where each of your people sees what’s possible, why it matters, and how they can grow into it.

Here are some ideas for how you might approach creating such an environment:

1. Share a Vision of What Leadership in Your Organization Can Be

You can do this with your entire team, in small doses.

• Describe what great leadership looks like in your organization—not just in competencies, but in impact.
• Share examples of leaders in your company who are admired. Why are they effective?
• Talk about the difference leaders can make at a senior level. Tell stories. You might say something like: “Leadership here isn’t about position—it’s about shaping direction, driving culture, and building something bigger than yourself.”

The challenge with this idea is that you will also be held to the standards you talk about.

2. Spot and Call Out Potential

People rarely see leadership potential in themselves unless someone points it out.

• Tell individuals specifically what strengths or behaviors you’ve seen in them that signal leadership potential.
• Make it personal and credible: “I see you as someone who could be a strategic leader here because you consistently…”

Don’t wait for them to ask. Plant a seed anytime you see something a person can build on.

3. Connect to Personal Purpose

Deep motivation comes from alignment with identity and values. Who is each team member, at their core? How do they see themselves? What matters most to them?

• You might ask: “What kind of impact do you want to have?” or “What problems do you care most about solving?” or “What interests you most about what we do here?
• Once you get some answers, you can connect to ways that senior leadership might offer them a bigger lever to engage in activities that mean the most to them.

4. Share Responsibility

Growth accelerates when people feel responsible for something bigger than their job. Look at what you do daily and figure out what you can delegate. Start out small, and build.

• Assign stretch responsibilities that align with senior leadership competencies, such as cross-functional work, strategy development, or mentoring others.
• Let them lead change, not just manage tasks.
• Frame it: “This is a great chance to build the skill set senior leaders need.”

5. Make Development Visible and Structured

If development feels fuzzy or unsupported, it can easily fall by the wayside—which is what has been happening for your people.

• Build or recommend a clear pathway: rotational projects, leadership coaching, mentoring, strategic courses. Build on strengths or identify specific gaps they can work on.
• Use individual development plans (IDPs) tied to specific leadership competencies. If your organization already has these, use them. If it doesn’t, create the ones you think are most critical. Start with one or two and be careful not to overpower people with too much, too soon. The key is to start with low-hanging fruit. What is a small thing that might be possible and would make a big difference?

6. Celebrate Progress and Model the Way

People need to see development as a rewarding investment; otherwise, it just feels like extra work.

• Acknowledge each person’s accomplishments and growth in public settings. This reinforces motivation and can inspire others in the group to rise as well.
• Share your own development journey, including struggles. This normalizes growth and makes leadership feel attainable. It would require you to be vulnerable, which could be uncomfortable. But it will humanize you and remind your people that you weren’t always the boss.

You will learn a lot about your people as you try some of these suggestions. The obstacles will become much clearer. You may uncover irrational fears that you can allay. You may find that some of your folks are already overwhelmed by their workload and don’t have the bandwidth to take on anything else. You may uncover some cynicism; e.g., you may hear that the organization is perceived as very political. Cynicism is data that can help you pinpoint assumptions about falsehoods that you can dispel, or about realities you hadn’t noticed or considered important. You can help everyone shift their mindset and support them in navigating obstacles.

This will be a lot more work for you—and, of course, for them. But if they know you care and are paying attention, I guarantee a few will rise to the top. And then you can retire!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly new manager, and I really like managing. My issue is that a young woman I hired a few years ago either cannot or will not meet expectations.

She excelled at the job during her six-month probationary period, and then went off a cliff. She has been on one performance plan after another. She often will improve in the area under scrutiny, but something else always suffers.

She seems to accept feedback and seems to be eminently clear about what needs to be done. She doesn’t miss meetings, but she just can’t seem to hit a deadline no matter how much support I offer or how much I have stressed the importance of the deadline.

It is confusing because she was so great at first. It is obvious that she can do the job. I can’t tell if she is simply lazy or maybe has personal problems she doesn’t feel comfortable mentioning.

It would be easy to simply let her go. The problem is that she has endeared herself to everyone on the team and many people across the organization. I know many people will be upset with me. I feel like I’m a failure and people will hate me.

Task Master

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Task Master,

It can be so confusing when someone provides credible evidence that they are able and willing to do a job only to stop performing for no apparent reason. I caution you against the impulse to use the L word. Not because it isn’t possible that your low performer (LP) might be lazy, but because she will intuit any judgment you have about her character—and it has probably already made her feel unsafe about telling you the truth about what is going on. So let’s start with giving LP the benefit of the doubt. It will vastly increase your chances of success here.

I think you have two challenges: the first is to pull out all the stops to get the bottom of what is going on, and the second is to stop trying to win a popularity contest. Let’s tackle them in order.

I know you say LP went off a cliff right after her probationary period ended, but there is a good chance that something else changed for LP at around that same time. We can speculate all day long, but you are never going to find out unless you set aside the time, explain what is at stake (her continued employment), and make sure she feels safe enough with you to be candid about what is going on.

The list of things that might be affecting LP includes but is not limited to the following:

Personal Issues

• Health problems (mental or physical)
• Family issues or caretaking responsibilities
• Burnout or exhaustion—especially if she had been overperforming
• Life changes—divorce, loss, moving, financial stress

Workplace-Related Issues

• Conflict with coworkers or you
• Feeling unrecognized or undervalued
• Perceived unfairness (pay, promotions, workload)
• Toxic work environment or sudden shift in culture
• Micromanagement or loss of autonomy
• Lack of challenge or feeling stuck

Motivational Drop

• Loss of purpose or disconnection from the work
• Mismatch between her values and company direction
• Boredom or lack of growth opportunities
• She checked out because she’s job hunting

Change in Role or Expectations

• Role drift—maybe the job morphed into something she didn’t sign up for. Even a small change can be destabilizing.
• Overload—expectations increased without support. These may have been so small that you thought they wouldn’t make a difference, and you may have even forgotten about them.
• Poor communication about priorities or goals.

Leadership or Management Changes

• New manager, new policies, or new direction could cause a shift in behavior, especially if trust was lost. This seems like unlikely based on your letter.

I am hoping this list gives you some ideas about what you might be missing.

Prepare carefully for your conversation: stick to questions, be open and curious, and refrain from being defensive or explaining your own position until you have brought all the issues to the table. Essentially, go into it ready to listen to learn something new. Once you have done that, your path forward will become clear.

Now. Let’s talk about your concern that people will hate you if you can’t find a way to help LP get back on track and you let her go. This is one of those things that makes being a manager so tricky: you are always balancing the needs of the organization, the needs of the team, and the need to create the best possible environment for each individual to thrive.

But here is a truth that may help: team members know when someone is a low performer. And as much as they may like the person, they inevitably will come to resent them. Why? Because our brains are wired to constantly look for and fight against unfairness. There is always that little voice in the back of our heads that wonders “Why am I killing myself over here when so-and-so is slacking off?” And when the manager of the team allows a low performer to get away with doing poor work, or not as much work as everyone else, the team members will eventually lose respect for the manager.

So if you do your due diligence, create a safe space to understand what is going on, use the information to help LP get back on track, and still can’t get her to where she needs to be, you must let her go. Some folks may be bummed about it but they probably won’t hate you. If you do it appropriately, are careful about how you share the news (meaning you don’t say anything derogatory about LP), and stick to the facts, people will almost certainly respect and appreciate the decision.

If it is any consolation, this kind of scenario is the bane of all managers no matter how experienced. You stand to learn an awful lot from it, painful though it may be.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your last blog with interest. My boss and I have worked together for four years and, generally speaking, I have done well with her. She shows appreciation for my work and has been warm and supportive of my career aspirations.

However, there are moments when something she does or says puts me into a tailspin that takes me a long time to recover from. It often is an offhand comment. I have spent a fair amount of time talking colleagues off the ledge for the same thing.

We all put up with it because she is brilliant and we learn so much from her. She challenges us to do great work, which we are all proud of. But she is A LOT, and we never quite know what to expect from her.

We have nicknamed her “Toxy” and have made a game of finding examples of toxic leaders on IG and debating which kind she is. At times I have thought about seeking a job elsewhere, but I feel like I may be learning how to navigate her. Also, there are enough great things about the work and the company that make it worth staying.

I hope you can explain this phenomenon and advise me on what I might do to manage it even more effectively.

How Toxic Is Too Toxic?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear How Toxic is Too Toxic?

First, thanks for making me laugh—your nickname for your boss is darkly funny. It’s also sad. I am sorry for you, your colleagues, and your boss.

I dedicated my first coaching company to helping creative geniuses, which included people with unusually high IQs and many others who were extraordinarily gifted in some way. One of the first things creative geniuses need to do is learn how the world looks to people who aren’t them. This can be an insurmountable challenge for some. When these people become leaders, they are often oblivious to the effect the combination of their personality, their high standards, and their increased power has over others. It can create a difficult environment.

Now let’s define toxic. When we talk about toxic leaders, we usually mean people who create a harmful, destructive, or abusive work environment. Toxic leaders tend to prioritize their own power, control, or personal gain over the well-being of their team or their organization.

It would actually be a lot easier if leaders who unwittingly create a difficult or even toxic environment were, indeed, 100% evil. Unfortunately, what is more often the case is the leader is simply 100% human—that is, flawed—and lacks awareness of their impact on others. To confuse matters further, a leader’s personality traits will be interpreted differently by each individual on their team. A boss who is perceived as a bully by one person might be perceived by another as simply tough. A boss who seems controlling to one person might be seen by another as caring a lot about accuracy or quality.

It sounds to me like your boss is mostly guilty of being inconsistent, unpredictable, and unconscious of how her behavior affects people.

There is a distinction here between an actual, full-fledged, toxic leader—someone who has consciously chosen to win at all costs no matter the collateral damage—and a flawed leader who inadvertently creates a toxic work environment.

Here are some common traits of a toxic leader:

• Manipulative and self-serving: They use deception, favoritism, or power plays to maintain control.
• Micromanaging and controlling: They don’t trust their employees and constantly interfere with their work.
• Emotionally abusive: They belittle, humiliate, or gaslight employees. They remember mistakes and bring them up in perpetuity. They seek out ways to make others doubt themselves.
• Blame-shifting: They refuse to be accountable and often scapegoat others.
• Lacking empathy: They disregard the feelings, concerns, or professional growth of their team.
• Playing favorites/nepotism: They reward loyalty over competence, which leads to unfair treatment.
• Encouraging a toxic culture: They tolerate or even promote workplace bullying, competition, and fear.

Some examples of toxic leadership styles include but are not limited to:

• The bully, who uses intimidation and fear to control employees.
• The narcissist, who cares only about their own success and recognition and believes they are the only one whose feelings matter.
• The incompetent leader, who has little knowledge, skills, or experience, but lacks the humility required to listen to others or learn anything new.
• The workaholic martyr, who expects others to sacrifice work-life balance like they do, refuses to push back on unrealistic expectations from above, avoids responsibility for prioritizing (because everything is urgent), and behaves like a victim.
• The passive-aggressive leader, who undermines employees subtly rather than addressing issues directly, and avoids giving useful feedback.
• The unpredictably moody and explosive leader, who keeps everyone around them guessing about their emotional state, walking on eggshells, and avoiding interactions for fear of being ambushed.

So here is my question to you: do you think Toxy has any of these traits? Does her consistent style fit any of the profiles? If the answer is yes, encourage your teammates to keep records of inappropriate behavior or egregious incidents for eventual reporting to HR—and, of course, do the same yourself. You also may want to explore your options for another position.

If the environment Toxy has created still allows you to do your best work, there is a chance she isn’t truly toxic, just difficult. You may consider two specific things:

Learn to set boundaries. If something she does sends you into a tailspin, wait until you have calmed down and then tell her. Use “I” language; e.g.: “When this happens, it throws me for a loop.”

The keys to setting boundaries with anyone are:

• Strike when the iron is cool. Meeting strong emotion with your own strong emotion will not yield the desired result.
• Get clear on what you want.
• State your request and describe it clearly and concisely.
• Acknowledge the person when they meet your terms, or be ready to calmly point out when they don’t.

Next time you find yourself in a tailspin, try to figure out what triggered you and formulate a request to avoid such a trigger in the future. You may be able to help your boss understand the impact she has on you, which is possibly not her intention.

Practice taking nothing personally. It sounds like your boss throws everyone on the team off their game, so her behavior probably isn’t actually personal to you. She almost certainly does the same thing to her friends and family. This means it isn’t about you, it’s about her.

The best description of this truth can be found in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He says: “What others say and do is a reflection of their own reality, not yours.” If you feel yourself spinning out, ask yourself this question: “Am I taking this personally? And if I am, what might be different if I stopped doing that?” 

This might be something you can help your teammates do as well.

So there you have it. Either your boss really is toxic—in which case, fight back, involve HR, and get out as soon as you can. If she is simply complicated and thorny, give her the benefit of the doubt and gently teach her how to get the best from you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a commercial retail real estate firm in a big city in the Midwest. We have some seasoned senior brokers, all of whom have done well working with junior brokers, training them while also benefiting from their help.

The model has worked really well, except in the case of one senior broker. He does very well financially, but has developed a reputation in town of not following through. Also, he sometimes fails to show up for meetings with landlords and even prospective renters.

He has gone through several junior brokers in quick succession because he treats them like trash and does not properly share commissions. He was a lot of fun our first ten years in business, but as the business has grown and we have all matured, he seemingly hasn’t grown up.

I am the owner of the business, but other than overseeing legal compliance and providing basic guidelines, I have been hands-off—not really a boss. I have pointed out some of this person’s more extreme behavior to him, but it is getting to the point of no return. Everyone knows everyone in our town, so people know his antics are not a reflection on me or my firm, but it is getting out of hand.

How do I get someone in their mid-40s to stop behaving like a child? I really need him as a senior broker to develop the juniors so that they want to stay and grow. And I need to stop the gossip about his partying and the impression that our entire firm is filled with people who are not serious about their profession. I should mention that he and I are longtime friends. He has been with me since the beginning, which complicates things.

Man-child Mayhem

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Man-child Mayhem,

It can be hard when you outgrow longtime friends—and when they work for you, it can make things downright impossible. I am struggling with finding a way to say what I want to say without offending you, so please forgive me in advance if I miss the mark. Here goes.

You need to face two essential truths:

1. You are the boss.
2. People don’t change until the cost of not changing becomes too high to bear. This applies to both you and Man-child.

Some food for thought based on these two truths:

You may not want to be the boss, but you are. The whole “not really the boss” thing can work as long as everybody behaves themselves, but not so much (as you are currently experiencing) when they don’t. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and that someone is going to be you. Again—you are the boss. The only way you are going to get the Man-child to grow up is to insist on it and enact appropriate consequences if he fails to comply.

There is a chance that he just doesn’t know how to be a grownup. If that is the case, you can give him very clear instructions on what is grownup behavior and what isn’t. And when I say clear, I mean literally put his dos and don’ts in writing so that you can pull up the document when you have to discuss it. Give him a few chances to get used to acting like a grownup at work.

If he does know but just doesn’t care, well, you have a choice. You can choose to tolerate the unacceptable or you can choose to part ways. If you need to part ways, you can certainly share that you hope not to lose the friendship—but you should be ready for that eventuality.

It is up to you. It is your business and your reputation on the line here. Way back when, people in your town were in the know and were able to separate the Man-child from you. But as you grow and he crosses paths with new people, they will absolutely wonder what kind of an operation you are running.

You have grown up—well, almost. You are suffering from the effects of not having completely grown up. Now is time for you to take full responsibility for your business or suffer the consequences. You know what you need from your people and you seem to be getting it from everyone but Man-child. You might consider taking it to the next level by checking out the work of Henry Cloud, an expert on boundaries. His book Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships and Being Ridiculously in Charge might give you just the step-by-step direction you need to step fully into being a real boss.

Look, I hate making anyone comply with anything, so if you are having an allergic reaction to what I am saying, I get it. But part of being a grownup means accepting reality. And reality can be a harsh taskmaster.

Have the hard conversation. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Reward good behavior and do not, I repeat, do not look the other way when Man-child acts like an idiot. Give him a few chances and then—if he cannot or will not raise his standards—pull the plug exactly the way you said you would. Your business is at stake.

I’m sorry. I hope I am wrong about this. If you get a better idea from someone else, please share it with me.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the founder and CEO of a specialty investment services company, which I started—for fun—after retiring from my first career in investment banking. My executive team is amazing. Since we are so specialized and the field is super technical, I have had to find the best and the brightest.

My problem is that I am ready to retire—for real—sometime soon. The guy who is slated to succeed me is a genius but, unfortunately, a jerk. He is perfectly capable of not being a jerk: he is downright warm and charming with clients, but he is horrible to the people he works with. He is extremely smart, has never failed at anything, and has no humility.

I trust him implicitly when it comes to strategy, advising clients, and making decisions. But I am afraid if he becomes CEO, people will quit in droves and the whole company will fold.

I don’t want to see all my hard work go down the drain. How do I approach this with him?

Ready to Go

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Ready to Go,

Head on, my friend! That is the only way. Tell the truth, lay out the crossroads choice that Junior has before him, make some demands, and hold the line.

Is there no one else you can trust to take your place? That is my first question. If the answer is an unequivocal no, you are going to have to bite the bullet and demand to see some change—and soon. And there must be consequences for your successor if you don’t see the changes you need to see.

I do think many people who end up in the investment banking industry are accustomed to having bosses who are whip smart but not very—shall we say—nice. This is based on my own experience working in the field and the many anecdotes I have heard over the decades. It is universally acknowledged that investment banking is a little like trench warfare.

Given that, I wonder what worries you so much about Junior taking over. What does he do, exactly, that you think will cause people to quit in droves? I suspect you have plenty of examples. Use them. You must be specific if you are going to give him feedback and demand change—and even more specific about the exact changes you need to see, so that you can track and measure the changes. You will want to come up with a list of do’s, don’ts, and non-negotiable never ever agains.

The good news is you know he knows how to act like a decent human being because you have seen him do it with clients. He just needs to figure out how to keep it up with his peers and employees.

If you have any stated company values, you might be able to use those to point to the ways Junior is not a role model for them. You could also give examples of his good behaviors with clients that are aligned with the company values that he might use to replace some of his not-so-nice behaviors with colleagues.

Another thought is to share this article with him: Level Five Leadership: The Triumph of Humility and Fierce Resolve. It is based on Jim Collins’ research about the leaders of companies who stand the test of time. An oldie but goodie, it outlines the long-term advantages of humility as an unbeatable leadership trait.

You might also share something Ken Blanchard has often said about humility: “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” People can learn to be more humane, kind and considerate to others. It isn’t easy and it takes practice, but it is doable.

Will this be the first time Junior has heard feedback about what a jerk he is to the people he works with? It may come as a surprise to him. But if he is as smart as you think he is, hopefully he will see the value of making an effort. If you give the feedback and ask for clear concrete evidence that he can change his ways, and you are met with a blank stare or a straight-up unwillingness to even try, you may want to consider closing down the business or selling it to a competitor that has a decent leader who knows how to treat people. I think if Junior knows you are seriously considering both options, he might be motivated to head off those possibilities.

Humility is a tricky character trait to develop. If a person doesn’t come wired with humility, it is usually acquired through facing excruciating life circumstances such as catastrophic failure of some kind. So Junior is going to have to either fail as a leader, or be imaginative enough to see the dire consequences of possible failure. You, in your quest to help him, will need fierce resolve. Don’t take the path of least resistance if you want to retire with no worries.

You obviously think there is some hope for Junior, or you wouldn’t have written. The question is: will you be persuasive enough to get him to rise to the challenge? Leverage everything you know about him, what is interesting to him, and how much he enjoys winning to get him to see the benefits. Your restful retirement depends on it.

Good luck with your last leadership test.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing people for decades. With the advent of Covid, I put a lot of focus on getting better at managing hybrid teams. (This blog really helped me.) I have some people who come to the office and about half the group works remotely. I go in four days a week.

I have developed a reputation for being fair, working with individuals to find challenging opportunities and being flexible with work preferences. But lately I have begun to wonder if I am being too flexible, at the expense of the functioning of my team. For example, I have one direct report who has informed me that he intends to move to Australia. He just assumed I would be okay with it. I am not.

I really wish he had approached me with this as a request and not presented it as a fait accompli. I never would have approved this move. But now all the plans have been made—and if I were to say no at this point, it would cause a lot of turbulence. My biggest issue is that we already work with multiple time zones, and adding another one on the opposite side of the world is going to increase complexity. I haven’t even begun the process of talking to HR about the laws governing employment in Australia, and that worries me. This person is a good employee, but there have been some issues with accountability and entitlement. I wouldn’t mind letting him go and hiring someone new for the job.

What I really want to do is ask him if we can roll back this decision, but I worry that he only behaved the way he did because I sent mixed messages. How much of this is my fault? What can I do now?

Not OK

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Not OK,

Wow, this is so relatable. As a manager, I often have erred on the side of giving people too much freedom (which is crucial to me) and have suffered similar mix-ups. I applaud your willingness to consider the part you might have played in creating the situation and your desire to take responsibility for it. But, at least from the information you provided, it does seem like your employee took some liberties.

In the blog post you mention, Real Talk About Leading Hybrid Teams, Randy Conley points out that with hybrid teams, it is even more critical to make the implicit explicit. I think that point might be the one to focus on now.

Blanchard just sent out an updated employee handbook that outlines very clearly how employees should proceed if they wish to relocate. It begins with a conversation with one’s manager to obtain explicit permission. I can only imagine that your company has something similar. So there might be a chance that your direct report ignored precise direction.

Even if you don’t have such a handbook, you are within your rights as a manager to have a serious conversation with your world traveler. It is completely fair for you to point out that you would have preferred that he consult you, rather than inform you, before making such a huge decision. It is also fair to tell him that you need to do your homework—both with HR to see if it is feasible, and with your team to see if the time difference will correspond with the team’s workflow. Finally, assuming you have talked about accountability issues already, it is fair to express your concerns about how the distance and time difference will affect this person’s ability to stay on top of his deliverables.

I appreciate your worry that your flexibility has led to a misunderstanding, but I think a line was crossed here, and you can push back. You would need to do so even if the employee were a superstar performer. It is never too late to be explicit when needed. It really is not your fault that your employee jumped the gun. And if you can’t make it work, he will reap the consequences.

Do your due diligence. Decide one way or the other if you can make this work for you and the team. Share your thinking. You can own your part in this situation but you can also insist that your employee own his. If it can work, outline the parameters of how. If it can’t—well, it might be a hard conversation.

Be clear, be direct, and be kind.

You can use this as an opportunity to get ahead of any other non-negotiables you haven’t shared with your team. Examine additional assumptions your direct reports might be making, and make the implicit explicit.

Most people crave certainty, so the more you can give them, the better.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Intern,

 I’ve appreciated watching the interns in our company work on different projects in different departments. I’m always amazed by how fast the interns work, how well they collaborate as a team, and the high quality of the work they deliver. 

 My question is this: How do we, the current employees, look to them? Do we look slow, with poor teaming skills, for example? I hope not. How would interns compare the culture in their workplace with what they experience at school and in other areas of their life?

 Curious Employee

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Curious Employee,

Let me first say that in my experience as an intern, I ask myself the question “How do they see me?” all the time! I think it’s a fairly universal question across generations in the workplace.

Although I don’t speak on behalf of all of Gen Z—I’m only one person, limited to my own experience—I can confidently say that I don’t perceive other generations as having poor teamwork skills or working at a slow pace. However, I have noticed that each generation in the workplace carries with them a defining skillset. For this reason, I think it’s essential for companies to strive for generational diversity. It’s the key to bringing in talented people with diverse sets of skills and perspectives that build off one another.

As an example, many emerging Gen Z workers are highly skilled in digital writing or creating digital content such as texts, images, videos, social media posts, etc. We are the “tech savvy” generation, aka “digital natives.” So, when a project calls for those skills, we might be able to naturally get the job done more quickly and efficiently than our team members who represent older generations. At the same time, I’d say Gen X and Boomer workers are often naturally gifted at face-to-face communication, which is arguably just as important as being tech savvy in the workplace. In other words, we all need, and can learn from, each other.

Going back to your initial question, it can feel equally tempting to dismiss the contributions of other generations (whether older or younger) as inadequate, irrelevant, or unnecessary in the workplace. I’ve interned for multiple organizations and have had plenty of experiences where I would present what I thought were new and exciting ideas to my former manager, only for my ideas to be shot down and altogether disregarded. And while I could blame the manager’s reaction on their bias against me as a Gen Z worker, I recognize that feeling unheard at work isn’t all that uncommon, unfortunately. And it hurts, regardless of the generation you grew up in.

I tried to reframe the rejection I experienced to make it feel less personal, with the understanding that we each grow up around one specific generation during our formative years of development. We naturally will think “It’s my way or the highway” until we’re prompted to think otherwise. However, considering that you’re asking these important questions, it seems that you’ve already begun to challenge this narrative, so I’d say that puts you ahead of the curve!

All this to say, as a Gen Z intern, here’s my advice in answering this question of “How do they perceive me?” You’re actually already doing it. Ask us! Openly communicate with us and encourage us to do the same with you. You asked about ties between the culture we experience at work compared to what we experience at school. I think it comes down to this: we all want to feel seen and heard by our manager at work in the same way that we feel seen and heard by our instructors in the classroom. Fostering an open channel of communication is the first step.

And that’s it! I’ll be the first to admit that the generational communication gap can be incredibly difficult to traverse at times. It may feel like walking on eggshells at first. For instance, I can have incredible anxiety when talking with a manager or employee of an older generation. I find myself wondering “Did I do something wrong? Am I supposed to say something? Am I being too quiet?” But I truly believe that an established line of communication can make all the difference in quieting these self-doubts and fostering a safe space with Gen Z interns like me. I know this because I’ve experienced it firsthand with my current manager, who validates me when I perform well and supports me when I have room to grow.

Many of us have brilliant ideas, insightful questions, or important feedback that we want to share, but often lack the confidence or sense of belonging to share them. Sometimes all we need is a gentle nudge (or perhaps a kind push) in the right direction, even if it’s simply saying, “Okay intern, what are your thoughts on this?”

I hope this helps! Best of luck!

Cas the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine has enjoyed a well-deserved summer break, “Ask Madeleine” has become “Ask the Intern” where we have presented your questions to several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.

This week’s response is from Cas Podgorski, Podcast Intern at ifyouaskbetty, LLC.

Madeleine will return next week.

Dear Intern,

What do today’s interns want out of a summer internship? My company—like many others—hosts six to eight summer interns every year. I’ve been participating in the program for over fifteen years and during that time I’ve had one, two, or sometimes three interns working for several weeks in our marketing department. It’s been a good experience, and I think the interns have learned something along the way.

I’ve always tried to create an experience that does four things:

1. Provides each intern with a project they can call their own and refer to on their résumé
2. Gives them a chance to work together with other interns both in our department and across other departments
3. Introduces them to corporate culture through regular employee training or all-hands meetings, for example
4. Includes very proactive management, with high levels of direction and support from me as needed

I’ve received good feedback from the interns I’ve worked with using this approach, but I’m afraid I may be stuck with an old-fashioned sense of what an internship should look like. (Full disclosure: I’m in my early 60s.)

Could you give me some feedback on what interns are looking for these days? Where am I on track, and where do I possibly need some fresh thinking? I’d appreciate your viewpoint.

 Thanks,

Always Learning

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Always Learning,

Thank you for reaching out! It’s amazing to see how much effort you put into the internship program in your marketing department. You clearly value your interns and the experience you want to create for them.

Centering interns’ experience around a project they can call their own is such a great way to get them involved and keep them motivated! Speaking from experience, I believe interns want something hands-on and fulfilling. For example, I love supporting other people, so Blanchard granted me a multitude of projects that allowed me to put my passion into practice. My only feedback for you would be to ensure each intern’s project caters to their specific professional journey. They are more likely to feel valued when their contributions are aligned with their strengths, goals, and interests. Interns are excited about and proud of their work!

You can also help your interns feel valued by seeking updates about their projects and asking how you can support them. And when they reach an obstacle (because that will happen), help support and problem-solve to get them back on track. Making them feel like an asset to the company is a great way to build up their confidence in a corporate setting and help them stay motivated.

If your interns are anything like me, they are likely worried about the next ten steps in their career. Interns want to help the company, but the experience they gain is also a driver. As you mentioned in your first point, the résumé they are trying to build is very important. An internship often is the first corporate experience someone will have. Helping your interns build their résumé with something they are enthusiastic about will improve their luck during future interviews—and increase the likelihood that they will want to continue working for your company!

I love how you encourage your interns to network and collaborate with one another! Frustration and confusion are part of the learning process, so letting them get acquainted is an amazing way to embed a support system within the company. Also, having them explore other departments is a great idea! Allowing them to see what their peers are doing and possibly assist them establishes those relationships and helps them adapt to the corporate setting.

Going off that, exposing interns to the corporate culture is such an important process. I’m glad you actively introduce them to it, because I think it’s often assumed that Gen Z is opposed to traditional corporate culture. While there are certainly aspects we seek to change, we also respect the systems in place and want to learn how to facilitate change from within them. Sometimes this means giving us opportunities to go all in! I would just make completely sure your interns feel supported during these new experiences. For instance, you might provide them with low-stakes opportunities to spend time with high performers in your department. Your interns might feel uncomfortable or nervous at first, but with your encouragement these kinds of meetings can be a great learning and networking opportunity for them!

High support and high guidance are so important! As interns (and people in general) are introduced to a brand-new set of tasks, they can sometimes get lost or discouraged. Providing guidance during this season is key for a productive environment and experience. It’s great if your interns are highly motivated, but it’s not a deal-breaker if they aren’t. A rough patch of confusion and low confidence is bound to happen, but usually people can work past it. Encouraging open communication without fear of punishment is crucial in this regard. How can someone help if they aren’t aware that something is wrong?

All this to say, I think your “old-fashioned” approach is still valid! If you want to level-up your internship program, my best advice would be to meet your interns where they are—from the beginning to the end of the program. Start by setting expectations about what the experience is going to be like, making sure to consider their personal strengths, goals, and interests. Wrap up the program by asking for candid feedback about their experience. These practices will ensure that your internship program is always evolving to meet the needs of the next round of interns!

It’s great that you and your company recognize the importance of the internship experience. The effort you are putting into the program is outstanding and sets a great example for your interns. Thank you again for reaching out and valuing their experience!

Best wishes,

Addison the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Addison Dixon, Producer Intern for Blanchard Institute.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a high performer on my team (HP) who does very good transactional work. They work with speed and most people outside our team like them.

HP has managerial ambition but does not have capabilities to be a manager. We are a small, lean team after two rounds of layoffs, and there is simply no opportunity to promote anyone in the foreseeable future. When the time does come to promote someone, it won’t be an option for HP, as they have squandered every opportunity I have given them so far.

I have been invested in HP’s growth since the beginning. In the past, I’ve given them some dotted-line reporting opportunities for more junior team members, which did not go very well. Several of the junior members on the cross-functional team mentioned that HP bossed them around and was unpleasant.

I had high hopes for this person. Unfortunately, they took my positive encouragement as a promise. I have made the situation clear and have also told them directly that they should use special projects and other growth opportunities to develop their skills. My peers have reported that they experience HP as having a fixed-mindset. HP is never interested in the growth opportunities we have on the team where I could use their help. It seems the only option that will make them happy is a promotion and a raise.

I have tried other methods: encouraging talent mobility, giving unique assignments, investing in leadership training, giving extra attention and recognition, trying to build a deeper relationship, and being vulnerable. But nothing is working!

At one point, HP said “You are dumping this job on me because no one else can do it.” So I picked another team member who successfully completed the project with a great attitude.

I am equally fair with all my direct reports, but when I recognize anyone else, HP gets very jealous. They haven’t given me bad feedback directly, but because we are so small I know that on our last two annual surveys they were the person who gave me the worst scores on my effectiveness as a leader and wrote nasty comments. HP has shown themselves to be selfish in their actions. They show team spirit and alignment outwardly, but behind the scenes they say mean things and disagree with everything. I am finding them becoming more and more unfair, manipulative, and not appreciative of opportunities given to them. 

It wasn’t always like this. Everything changed when it became clear that we don’t have a business need for another manager on our lean senior team. I am trying to keep things in perspective but am deeply hurt.

The first thing I want to do is look inward and see if I can change something or do anything else to revive my relationship with this team member and help them grow in other ways. Could you share two or three growth tips for me as a leader? I am at a loss and would love a word of advice.

Hurt

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hurt,

My first thought is this: if a friend you admire and respect were to put this case to you, what would you say?

I very much appreciate your desire to improve and grow as a leader. Some qualities you seem to have in spades: a growth mindset, an impulse to take personal responsibility, generosity of spirit, and a desire to help others on their journey.

Your High Potential (HP) had a lot of promise and did well at first. This early potential is clouding your vision, making it hard for you to see the current reality that HP’s most recent behavior betrays a rather staggering lack of character: 

• Refusing work assignments that would help you;
• Displaying a fixed mindset (one of the hardest things to help others shift, in my experience);
• Displaying jealousy when others are recognized;
• Essentially not taking advantage of opportunities that you take pains to arrange;
• And, finally, retaliating against you with nasty feedback for circumstances beyond your control.

In short: this person is selfish, small-minded, and nasty.

It sounds like your organization has been through a lot, which curtailed HP’s potential trajectory. People show their true colors when they are under pressure. I am glad for you and your organization that HP’s pettiness was revealed before they got into a position to do some real damage.

We can speculate about what caused HP to fail to rise to their best self, but there is no way to really know. It doesn’t matter in the end. You have given them every opportunity—which, as you say, they have squandered, blaming you for their own failures.

Clearly, you err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt, and you’re a big believer in second—not to mention third and fourth—chances. Which is to your credit. In this case, however, you are still giving them everything you’ve got while they haven’t been bothered to meet you at all, let alone halfway.

I have only growth tip for you: You must not be more generous with others than you are with yourself. You can be generous, kind, and caring while maintaining a standard for civility and decency.

What should you do about HP? You didn’t ask me that, but I can’t help myself.

Take off your rose-colored glasses and stop taking HP’s behavior personally. I understand why you feel hurt after all your efforts, but this isn’t about you. This person has declined every opportunity to do the right thing and needs to go. The sooner you replace them and eliminate the toxicity they bring to the team, the better. More to the point: the risk you run by letting HP’s antics continue is that you could lose the respect of the rest of your people. Don’t let that happen.

I wish you luck.

With admiration, respect, and, as always, love,

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My company offers a lot of classes, and about six months ago I learned SLII^®. I have been managing people for about a decade and honestly, learning SLII^® changed everything for me. I realized my biggest issue was that I hold back when it comes to giving people crystal clear direction or providing close oversight when people are starting a new task or embarking on a goal that is new to them.

Early in my career, I read a lot about the horrors of micromanagement—and I have always hated being micromanaged myself—so I think I have often over-corrected to avoid ever being accused of it. But now in hindsight, I see that caused any number of problems.

Here is my situation: I work from home a couple days a week, and quite recently my husband got a new job which allows him to do the same. The other day, he was walking by my office and overheard a conversation I was having with a new hire. We hired this person specifically to have someone tackle a massive technical job that has been backlogged for a long time. It is critical that the job be done in a way that doesn’t mess up a bunch of other systems. So I have been using a Style 1 with her—giving her very clear direction and giving her daily checklists for practicing in a demo system before I let her loose on the real thing. She is picking it up very fast, but the system was custom built for our company, so she has never worked in it.

Later in the day, my husband casually remarked that I am “really bossy.” He was kind of teasing me, but it threw me for a loop. I tried to explain that the person I was speaking to is new and really needs the clarity I was trying to give her.

I am now back in the uncertainty and fear of all the negative things that come with the word bossy. We had a joke about Bossy Cow in our house when our kids were little, but I am not laughing.

Am I a—

Bossy Cow?

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Bossy Cow,

Oh, my dear, I hear your pain and confusion.

Before we dive in, I just want to provide a little context about SLII^® and what Style 1 means. SLII^® is a leadership model that helps managers offer their team member the best mix of clear direction and support as they tackle a specific task, depending on their mix of competence and confidence on that task. In that context, a Style One (or S1), means giving clear directions and painting a picture of what a good job looks like—with step-by-step instruction, if needed. For a deeper dive on this, here is an e-book that will provide more detail for those who want it.

Okay my friend, I will not call you Bossy Cow, because you are not one. What you are is someone who is clearly setting your new employee up to crush it. You are, in short, someone who is doing her job.

Please forgive me for succumbing to my own frustration around gender stereotyping and bias that tends to be a sore spot for many women. There is a meme that’s been around forever that points out that when little boys boss people around they are showing leadership ability, but when little girls do it, they are just bossy. It is so tiresome. And you know what? I think your husband could have inadvertently poked at that sore spot. This may not even be true for you, but now I have gotten it out of my system so I can move on.

Part of what causes burnout or apathy for people in organizations is when they don’t really know what is expected of them at work, or aren’t getting enough feedback to know whether they are doing a good enough job or how to get better.

One recent study found that only 45% of younger workers (those under 35) clearly know what is expected of them at work. Seriously, how can anyone be expected to do a good job if they aren’t sure what the job is?

Another one found that 96% of employees say getting regular feedback is a good thing.

Setting people up to be successful takes a lot of time and attention. You are clearly providing your newbie with plenty of both. This is a good thing. But, more important, you are establishing a partnership with your employee and sending the message that you care about her and her success.

Finally, if you are really worried that you might be micromanaging inappropriately, remember a key tenet of SLII^®: you must partner with each of your direct reports to establish exactly what they need from you on each task or goal. Giving direction is only micromanaging if the person being managed doesn’t need it. Not giving direction to people who really need it is just—bad management. Or no management.

Ultimately, the only accurate arbiter of whether or not you are giving the right amount of direction and support is the person who is getting it. So if you are concerned that you are being too bossy, ask your employee questions like “Am I telling you stuff you already know?” or “Will you be sure to tell me if I am over-explaining stuff?”

The more you ensure that your people feel safe letting you know if they need more or less from you, the more secure you will feel. And when your new kid hits D2—the stage of being disillusioned and realizing the job is harder than she thought it would be—she will tell you and you will be ready to add plenty of support. She will be a strong, independent performer before you know it!

You obviously care, and you are doing it right. Next time your husband calls you bossy, just laugh and say “Moo.”

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently hired a new member for my team. She was great in the many rounds of interviews, seemed to have the skills we needed, and was unanimously the first choice of the hiring committee.

She is now about six weeks in, and I keep waiting to see the person I met in the interviews.

She has not completed any of her onboarding training. When I look in our LMS, she seems to have made it through only about 40% of some of the required modules. I have had to show her several times how our Teams site is set up (she was used to the Google Docs system), and she keeps asking questions that she would know the answers to if she had looked at the different files I have assigned to her. I can see in people’s files the last time they were opened, and she has only opened about a quarter of what I expected.

It’s like she can’t remember anything we talk about from one day to the next.

I asked her to submit a short report on all the calls she is attending with her teammates so that I can keep track of what she is picking up. She submitted one short report and then nothing. (I should have at least fifteen by now.) We meet every other day and I have brought this up several times. She assures me she is working on them. I know she has plenty of free time but I have no idea what she is doing with it.

I’m so confused. I don’t want to come down on her like a ton of bricks, but I need to get to the bottom of what is going on. I think I may have made a terrible mistake. What should I do?

Terrible Mistake

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Terrible Mistake,

Oh dear. I am sorry. It is so strange when people come across one way all through the interview process, and then turn out to be not at all what you were led to expect.

The only thing to do is tackle this head on. Share with your newbie what you expected compared to what she has managed to accomplish and ask her what is going on. The question is: “What has gotten in the way of your being able to meet these expectations in the past six weeks? Is it too much work? Is it lack of clarity? Is there something you need from me that you aren’t getting?”

She will either be honest and tell you, or she won’t. If she does, then you’ll know what you are dealing with. Much as I hate to speculate, it might help you to prepare for different scenarios.

• If something totally unexpected has happened, she might need help to arrange for a short-term leave.
• If it turns out she has no idea how to prioritize all of the tasks, you might offer to break down the tasks you expect to see completed day by day.
• If she is feeling so behind now that she has become paralyzed, you might re-negotiate her deliverables and offer a fresh start.
• If she is second-guessing her own interpretation of what a good job looks like, you can offer more clarity. Your newbie may very well need a list of what you expect laid out as daily tasks until she finds her footing.

It would be smart to involve your HR business partner if you have one. If your newbie has a learning difference and needs extra time or help, there may be provisions for that. If she is dealing with an unforeseen challenge, she may need to take some time to deal with it.

She may decline to tell you the truth about what is going on and try to head you off with more promises to catch up, so you should be prepared to not accept that. The key is for you to tell the truth as kindly as possible, without judgment or blame. It might sound something like: “Look, let’s not worry about catching up. I’m okay with letting go of the reports I asked for—those were to help you keep track of what you are learning. But I do need to see x, y, z by the end of the week. Is that something you think you can commit to?”

You will also want to be prepared to share the potential consequences if it becomes clear that she is not able to do the job the way it needs to be done. Maybe you won’t have to share those just yet; but if she commits to something you think is eminently doable and then doesn’t come through, you may have to at that time.

It sounds like you have been patient. It also sounds like she may think she can fly under the radar with substandard work. It is time to get the cards out on the table—to be clear that you are paying attention but also that you are invested in helping her succeed. But for you to help, you have to understand what is going on.

Being direct and telling the truth can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to mean “coming down on her like a ton of bricks,” It just means—well, being direct and telling the truth. Not doing that won’t serve either of you. If she is ultimately not capable of doing the job, keeping things in limbo will just make things worse.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be truthful.

Give her step-by-step instructions if you both agree it will help. Give her an out if there doesn’t seem to any help for it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a student of leadership ever since I became a supervisor in my first job in the early 90s. I am now a VP of services for a collection of call centers across the UK.

I have practiced to the best of my ability everything I have learned from Ken Blanchard’s books and all of the content available over the years from Blanchard newsletters, blogs, and webinars. My company offers no training whatsoever for managers, so I have done my best to share what I’ve learned with managers who have reported to me.

I strive to seek the best in people, give them the proper mix of direction and support, help them to find opportunities, etc. Since my company has values up on the walls that have no meaning to anyone, I have come up with my own values: consistency, civility, accountability, and fairness. I share them regularly with my team and even have them on my email signature. The outcomes in my area speak for themselves, I am happy to say—until now, anyway.

I am facing a situation with a manager who reports to me. I have tried everything. He is downright nasty to his people and uses fear tactics to get results—which, predictably, have been suffering.

The last time I met with him to point out the dip in his units, he retorted that he didn’t think it was fair for me to hold him responsible for his team’s performance. He pointed out that one of my values is fairness, blatantly throwing my core beliefs in my face. I was so aghast that I was quite literally speechless. I pretended I had another meeting and told him we would take this up at his next one on one.

I have tried to be a role model for managing people and inspiring their best work. With this person, it seems all for naught. I feel confident about what I need to do here, but am writing to you to double check my instincts.

Speechless

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Speechless,

First, my hat is off to you for your dedication to being the kind of boss we all wish we had.

Well, not all, I guess, but most.

You didn’t mention exactly what you think you need to do, but I, too, was rendered momentarily speechless by your employee’s response. I wonder who he thinks should be held responsible for the performance of a team if not the manager? That might be a question to ask in the conversation you have where you tell him it is time to part ways. (If that is not your instinct, might I be so bold as to suggest it should be.)

I know in the US, when a manager lets someone go, it is helpful to have documentation of poor performance, lack of civility, and insubordination. I don’t know if that is as necessary in the UK.

Either way, though, it does sound like you have done your utmost, and it is time to offer the opportunity to someone who at least seems to care about people and is willing to take responsibility.

Part of me is curious as to how he got the job in the first place, because he must have shown some promise—at something. But there is no telling how the sudden acquisition of power will change people. It can be truly startling.

Something Scott Blanchard (our CEO) says all the time is how mystified he is by managers who think it is okay to treat their people in ways they themselves would never tolerate. But this behavior is remarkably common. Apparently though, not on your watch.

You’ve gone to the trouble of defining your values, and I think you can lean on them to make the right decision here.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a regional president for a global financial services company. About five years ago, I hired a whiz kid to inject some creativity and innovation into our use of technology and how we approach our regional customer acquisition. He is technically a genius in terms of IQ, and he excels at grasping key ideas and creating plans to execute them. When he started, he was also very good at creating relationships and influencing people to try new things with a minimum of drama. He quickly rose to be invited to join the leadership team. The projects he has spearheaded have significantly improved our business (which has historically trailed behind other, larger regions), and some of his ideas have been selected to be applied globally. I truly give him full credit for all of the success, and he has been well compensated for his efforts.

However.

I heard through the grapevine that at the last big leadership team meeting, Whiz Kid behaved very badly. (This was the meeting where the business unit leaders were tasked with aligning their goals with the strategy designed by the executive team, which includes other regional presidents.) He was heard by multiple people saying that he is the only strategic person in the entire global organization, including our CEO (who is world famous). He was negative about our strategic initiatives.

In our last one-on-one, WK told me he was insulted that he hasn’t been invited to join the executive team and he thinks he should be paid twice what he is making. In addition, he has abdicated from execution efforts on many of his recent projects, claiming that they aren’t a good use of his time.

I can’t help but feel that I have created a monster. How do I reel WK back in and get him to see that, as valuable as he is, he still has a lot to learn about leading others?

Created a Monster

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Dear Created a Monster,

This is a classic. It is easy for a young person who comes into an organization and adds a ton of value to miss the memo that they don’t know what they don’t know—yet. When someone is a genius and can do things no one else can do, what incentive do they have to slow down and assess the value of rounding out their edges and making an effort to acquire skills they don’t have?

It sounds like you might have strong opinions about what good leadership looks like, as do I. But I also know those opinions are based on our experiences, and Whiz Kid hasn’t had those experiences. You and I may believe he has a lot to learn (and he probably does), but he is only going to learn those things by hitting the ceiling that stops his success—unless what he knows and does well is so valuable that nothing stops him. There are plenty of examples of that in the news.

Look. You can absolutely have a conversation with Whiz Kid where you share your thoughts about leadership skills and what it means to be a good organizational citizen. He may or may not get it. He may or may not care. You don’t have much control over that. So you must be prepared to give him what he wants, reach some kind of compromise, or risk losing him to another opportunity.

Possibly you can find a way to create some kind of consulting contract so he can work part-time with your group and find other opportunities with other businesses to do the things he does best. Many geniuses who can’t or won’t play nice in the sandbox with others end up being lone wolf consultants.

This means you will have a decision to make. Hopefully, you can find a creative way to leverage his genius without giving him free reign to wreak havoc with your people.

By all means, do try to share your wisdom on topics such as paying dues, humility, and what makes a person successful in the long term. You may be able to “reel him in,” as you say. I suspect, however, that it won’t work. In my experience, the only thing that catalyzes people to change is when the pain or cost of not changing is greater than the pain or cost of changing.

You didn’t create the monster; the monster was always there. All you can do is try to engineer things so that you can continue to leverage the best from him—and, for as long as you can, mitigate the damage he might do until he jumps ship to test his wits elsewhere. He will find his limits eventually. Everyone does.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an HR generalist working at a REIT (Real Estate Investment Trust). Our CEO started the company about eight years ago, and I have been his right hand since the beginning. He is a genius in many ways—high IQ, a deep intuitive understanding of the real estate markets, a complete whiz with spreadsheets and how money works. He has a dazzling intellect and charismatic personality.

When I first started working with my CEO, I thought he had a flair for hiring. He spots talent and goes to a lot of trouble to pursue people and persuade them to come and work with us. He now has an executive team that he has hand-picked over time, and he depends on them.

The problem is that he falls in love with these people and can’t see any of their flaws. He refuses to hear anything negative about anyone he’s hired (although he can be ruthless with everyone else).

We have a chief financial officer who started out amazing, but is now wildly inconsistent. She comes in looking like a million bucks, prepared, and brilliant one day, and disheveled and semi-coherent the next. I suspect a serious substance abuse problem or possibly a mental health issue. Our industry is highly regulated and having our books in order is critical. I believe our CFO’s erratic behavior is going to cause some real headaches in the future.

Our chief revenue officer clearly has something shady going on. He disappears for days at a time and his direct reports must either wait for him to show up to make pricing decisions or make decisions on their own. They are often frustrated because they are held accountable for closing deals, and, in many cases, they can’t move forward without him. This is now impacting our numbers—and when troubleshooting conversations happen, the fact that our CRO is AWOL most of the time never seems to come up. His direct reports come to me to ask if I know where he is, and I never do. I swear he has another full-time job.

Our head of IT has multiple personalities. He is amazing at what he does, but all of his people are terrified of him. I am also afraid of him. You never know who you are going to get—sometimes he is perfectly normal and other times he is downright mean. It is only a matter of time before someone files a hostile work environment claim.

There’s more, but you get the idea.

I have tried to raise these issues with the CEO. I have shared my observations in writing and set meetings with him to brainstorm how to approach these problems. He is now skipping our regular one-on-one people review meetings, not opening my emails, and essentially ignoring me.

I truly care about my boss. We built this company together and he has always trusted my input. I know he doesn’t want to hear what I am saying, but I am afraid at this point that he actually may be risking everything he has worked so hard to build.

How can I get through to him? I feel like a train is coming at us and he refuses to get off the tracks.

My warnings are falling on—

Deaf Ears

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Dear Deaf Ears,

Well, this sure sounds frustrating. The Curse of Cassandra, familiar to anyone who is paying attention, describes the frustration experienced by someone seeing disaster ahead and not being able to influence those who need to heed the warning to listen.

I think many are also familiar with the personality profile of your CEO. I have worked with many executives like this.

At the risk of offending you, I am hearing that you have a fantasy that you should simply be able to walk into your CEO’s office and dump all these problems on his desk for him to deal with. Part of what is happening is that he doesn’t want to see what is in front of his nose because he already has too much going on. I suspect he also doesn’t want to face the unpleasantness of having to hold people accountable—especially if he is still operating under his initial impression of them, which no doubt didn’t include the reality that everyone, no matter how great, has flaws and frailties.

You have been with your guy from the beginning, and yet you call yourself an HR generalist. I wonder why you aren’t CHRO? Are you not a member of the executive team? If you’ve been there since the beginning, do you not have equity in the business? If not, why not? You didn’t ask me about this, but it might be part of the problem. If you haven’t earned the CEO’s respect after all the work you have done together, it might explain why he is ghosting you at this point.

I’m really not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to get to what is really going on here. If what I’m saying resonates with you, and you can spot the pattern of letting your CEO overlook your contribution, it may be time to cut your losses and find a new environment where your experience and smarts are appreciated and properly rewarded.

If I am way off on this, please forgive me, and let’s try another angle.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a senior executive say “Don’t bring me problems without some ideas for solutions.” I would be able to pay for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean. This leads me to suggest that you send your boss an email with the subject line: Some Problems I See and What I Think We Should Do About Them. Volunteer to do most of what you think needs to be done; e.g., the hard conversations that go something like “This is what I am seeing; what is going on here?” And if he doesn’t respond to that, it may be time to decide that someone must be an adult—and tackle the bad behavior yourself.

The question is: how much power do you have? If key employees are having problems, especially problems that are going to impact the organization, aren’t they in your wheelhouse? Are you not taking responsibility for what is going on because these people don’t technically report to you?

• If the CFO is acting strange, what is getting in the way of your sitting down with her and pointing out what you see and how it concerns you? Wouldn’t you say something if you smelled alcohol on an employee?
• If the CRO is AWOL and his people are coming to you, what keeps you from calling him and saying, “Where on earth are you and what the heck is going on?”
• If your CIO is awful, especially to you, where are your boundaries? As the head of HR and the employee with the longest tenure, it seems perfectly reasonable to me that you would say “You are acting kind of scary, and I request that you cut it out—and, for that matter, that you do not behave this way with anyone else in the company.”

Are you afraid these people will all go running to the CEO to have him provide cover? If that’s the case, it is time for you to leave him at the mercy of the train.

It sounds like you have given up all of your power. This has probably happened slowly over time. You have had your common sense and authority overridden for so long, you have gotten used it.

Oh. Oops. We’re back here again.

This is not the answer you wanted. I’m sorry. But somehow you have lost your power to influence your CEO. Either you have lost his respect (and because he is obviously loathe to confront anyone, he has not shared that with you), or perhaps he is waiting to see what you will do. Maybe he thinks it is your job to confront these people.

If your CEO won’t give you the time of day, you have to confront that. If you make yourself impossible to avoid, you will probably get a straight answer. Then at least you’ll know.

You have some big decisions to make. They aren’t fun or easy ones. But at least you are smart enough to get off the train tracks yourself. So, if all of your efforts fail, please do that.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a financial analyst and have always been very good with numbers. I am young and this is my first job out of college. I was happy to get the job.

My problem is that my boss is just mean. If I can get through a week without crying, it feels like a miracle. I strive to do everything perfectly but she finds things to criticize no matter what. One day she is okay with the way I do something, and the next day she finds fault with it. I don’t make errors because I always review my work.

I can never really anticipate what she will pick on. The inconsistency is confusing, but it is the sense that she is committed to always finding something wrong that is demoralizing. I just can’t ever win.

I just hate the idea that I am flunking out of my very first job. With the job market the way it is, I don’t feel confident that I will ever be able to find something else. I feel like such a failure.

What advice do you have for me?

My Boss Is Just Mean

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Dear My Boss Is Just Mean,

I am sorry. This sounds hard. It is just true that some people think being a boss means catching people doing things wrong. All the time. Some have good intentions and actually believe that is the job—the constant critiques will make you better. And then there are some people who enjoy lording their power over others to make them feel cruddy and who relish the act of keeping people off kilter. I am not a big fan of speculating about the intentions of others, but in this case there might be some value in establishing what your boss’s intentions are.

Here are some questions:

• Are you sure there are no patterns to her feedback? Does she focus on content, or process, or style? There may be more method to her madness than you have been able to decipher. Since you are careful about errors, is it possible she prefers that you submit your work a certain way, or set up your formatting differently—and then maybe forgets or changes her mind?
• Is the criticism personal? Does she berate your competence? Call you names? Threaten your job? Or is the feedback always simply focused on the work itself?

I am trying to get at whether your boss is really mean or just flaky and clueless. That will help you to manage yourself around her, and to make a decision about what you are going to do about it.

In the meantime, let’s talk about you. Because here’s the thing—this isn’t the only terrible boss you will ever have. The opportunity in this situation is for you to develop a thicker skin, work on a practice of taking nothing personally, and learn to protect yourself from other people’s horribleness so you don’t end each day in a puddle of tears.

In the quest to develop a thicker skin, it can be helpful to remember that criticism is just information. If it is inconsistent and has no discernable patterns, in the end it is just noise. So, instead of seeking to avoid it, you can anticipate it and assign it no meaning. You can also ask questions. For example, if she approved of something last time, but today it isn’t working for her, you can ask what changed. You can try to get more detail on the criteria you should use to exercise your own judgment. You can even say something like: “I strive to make you happy, but I am finding it difficult to anticipate exactly what will do that. Perhaps there are some general guidelines I might need to follow so I can do a better job.” Keep track of what she says and refer back to it in the future. If she really is trying to make you crazy, you will know for sure.

Either way, remember that it is almost never about you. Which leads me to the practice of taking nothing personally.

In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Take whatever you can from any feedback (from anyone, not just Meany) and see what there is to learn from it—what glimmer there might be in it to increase your effectiveness as a colleague, to contribute, to achieve mastery. Everything else is just noise.

A useful technique when other people behave badly, especially when it is directed at you, is to practice compassion for the person. To wonder, “Huh, if she is that critical about me, I’ll bet she is that critical of herself. Wow, that must be hard.” I know, it’s a stretch. But it is worth a shot, and with a little practice you might get the hang of it and find yourself crying a lot less.

I spent two years being beaten up by people who, I found out later, saw trying to get consultants to quit as a competitive sport. Crying in the ladies room almost daily, but sticking with it, really did make me stronger. Some days you will be better at it than others. Think of the rest of your time with Meany as training to toughen up. It will serve you well for the rest of your working life. Try to get a bead on Meany’s intentions. If she really is out to get you, you probably should try to find another job. I know the job market is daunting, but there is always a job for someone who works hard and is competent. Just take your time, be persistent, and don’t give up. But if Meany is just kind of oblivious, you might be able to learn to be okay with it. Give her the benefit of the doubt, continue to do excellent work, and ride it out. Others are probably having the same experience, so chances are Meany will be promoted out of your area (yes, it happens, the senior executives in some organizations are so conflict-averse—I see it all the time) or fired.

 You can dig deep and find your courage. You can get stronger. Remember what you are good at, and the value you bring. Breathe. Cry when you must, laugh when you can. Keep showing up.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a fully remote team and have one member who is wonderful—when he is able to focus on work. His contribution is valuable, he is easy to get along with, and other team members depend on his experience and wisdom. But he is always dealing with some kind of personal crisis.

He has had several health challenges, as have his family members. His partner is an ER nurse who is 100% focused when she is at her job, so all the appointments—and childcare—fall on him.

He has multiple pets, all of whom have special needs. He was affected by serious flooding in one of the last big weather events (his car literally floated away) and his home now has black mold in the walls. His remaining parent needs a lot of care. The list goes on and on.

I want to be empathetic, but with the advent of Covid and everyone working from home, I feel like work is last on his list of priorities. He often fails to deliver on deadlines but always has a logical reason. And, to be fair, he is good at managing expectations and communicating when he is not on track with deliverables.

How can I continue to be empathetic while helping him increase his commitment to work?

Torn

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Dear Torn,

Boy, does this sound familiar. We managers all seem to have a fantasy in which our employees have partners whose job it is to manage the home, the kids, the pets, and the aging parents. This may have been the norm several decades ago, but most households today are only kept afloat with two full-time jobs. And that only really works when everything goes perfectly—another fantasy world in which no one gets sick, pets don’t age, parents remain completely independent, and fierce hurricanes don’t wash our cars away.

It is one thing to deal with one predicament at a time; quite another to have a laundry list of never-ending crises with no end in sight. Flooding is no joke. It is a traumatic event. I think your employee probably needs to focus on stabilizing before he can increase his commitment to work. It seems that you have a valuable team member who is in a pitched battle to just get through each day, and that it would serve you both to sit down and have a serious discussion about reality.

Perhaps there needs to be a conversation about making a change, at least temporarily, while your employee gets his own health challenges and the disaster recovery activities under control. Here are some ideas to consider:

• Have your employee consider going part-time, or even taking some time off and applying for disability.
• Talk to your HR person and get clear on the company policies related to paid time off, emergency leave, or other benefits that might be applicable in his situation. Ensure he is aware of his rights and options.
• Brainstorm a shift in workload/task assignments.
• Look into your company’s Employee Assistance Program. There may be therapy or coaching available to help your person talk through all of his responsibilities and help him get organized.
• Check into support resources that might be available for dealing with the aftermath of flooding—disaster relief organizations or government agencies that could provide assistance.

It is clear that your employee’s current situation is untenable, and it isn’t fair to either of you to not face the facts. You can remind him how valuable he is to the team, and how much you appreciate his contribution, and that it is your job to help him so he can bring his best.

Be clear, kind, and direct that something has to give or he is on track for increased health problems. Craft a plan together that you both can live with.

Remember to maintain confidentiality about what you come up with, but also share with your team that their teammate is working to manage his circumstances. They must be wondering.

Life can be hard, and sometimes really hard. Do everything you can to support your employee to help him through this particularly hard patch.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the director of ecommerce marketing for a fairly new and innovative global digital logistics company. The marketing team is huge; there are three other directors for other kinds of marketing and we are all very busy.

My problem is with my boss, our CMO. She is brilliant, she does a great job with strategy, and all her teams have clear mandates—and apparently, we are all getting great results. The problem is that she often gets into the weeds. She has a huge job, and yet she insists on reading every blog, looking at every word of copy, and vetting every little thing we do. We end up losing a lot of time waiting for her to approve everything, which sometimes interferes with our timelines.

Things move fast in our business. We need to be able to make decisions and move quickly. Our value statements and messaging tracks have been carefully crafted, and there is very little chance that we are going to make any huge errors. But my boss always seems stressed and overwhelmed, and I am sure her insistence on micromanaging is at least partially responsible.

It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Sometimes I want to ask her if she doesn’t have better things to do than watch us like a hawk. I admire her and we have a good relationship, but I don’t know how to share this feedback with her.

Boss in The Weeds

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Dear Boss in The Weeds,

It is incredibly common for senior leaders to have a hard time letting go. The attention to detail and dedicated oversight you describe is what got your boss promoted to her executive job. Somehow she didn’t get the memo that she can’t, and shouldn’t, do things the same way she used to. She will have to figure this out soon or she will alienate her directors or simply burn out. I recently included that exact point in an article published on the CLO website: 12 Things Your Executive Coach Wants You to Know. You may want to share it with your boss. Here is the excerpt:

“What got you here (really) won’t get you there. Marshall Goldsmith wins the award for best book title because truer words have never been said. Most people are promoted to managing others because they are exemplary individual contributors, which does not predict management talent. The next move from managing individuals to managing managers requires an entirely new perspective and a different set of skills. And the same is true when leaders move from managing managers to managing businesses. When people are promoted, they often believe they can rely on what they have always done that has made them successful. In fact, doing those things will get in the way of trying and getting good at new things.”

It is hard for a subordinate to give the kind of feedback you want to give. I understand why you want to ask her the question you mention, but that won’t get you the result you are looking for.

You could, however, try another approach; something along the lines of “Hey, I want you to know that I think my job is to make your job easier. I notice you seem to have a hard time trusting me and my team. I wonder what evidence you would need to be able to trust that we know what we are doing and we won’t disappoint you. I would love for you to be able to focus on the 90 shmillion other things you need to be paying attention to.”

You may learn something. Your boss may share concerns she has—what she is afraid might happen. She may take the opportunity to articulate for you the evidence that would make a difference for her. Or she may take a moment to think about it and change the way she supervises you and your team.  It is entirely possible that the two of you will come up with some kind of weekly review that will maintain her comfort level and let you get on with things. Consider drafting an example of what one could look like.

Then again, she may not bite.

To solve your immediate conundrum, you could start letting her know her deadlines for signing off on things so that your deliverables aren’t late. Ultimately, though, this isn’t really your problem. She has to figure out for herself out how to let go. If she is willing to let you help her with that, great! If she isn’t, well, she will get the life she has.

It is nice that you care. It’s worth taking a shot.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am director of client services for a global financial consulting group. I have a direct report who has a lot going for her. She is a hard worker, always organized and prepared, and a top performer. She is ambitious and has lofty goals.

But she lacks gravitas.

Like her, I am a woman who looks much younger than I am, and I know from experience that people like me must almost overcompensate by being very serious. This is especially true when seeking to establish “trusted partner” status with customers.

This person has a hard time receiving negative feedback. When I have mentioned this issue to her in the past, she was not open to hearing it. I just received survey results from members of our team, members of other cross-functional teams, and some customers that made it clear that I’m not the only one who sees the need for change.

How do I approach this with my team member? I don’t want to demotivate her, but I am 100% certain that she will not achieve her goals if she doesn’t pay attention to this issue and do something soon. I feel I will be doing her a disservice if I don’t say something. What would you advise?

A Little Stumped

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Dear A Little Stumped,

It seems like you care about your team member, and you really do have her best interests at heart. She probably has no idea how lucky she is to have you in her corner. And I agree that if you don’t tell her now, it will only get harder for her to understand why she isn’t advancing the way she thinks she should be.

There are two important parts to helping your team member:

First, help her permanently shift her relationship to feedback. Being open to hearing feedback, thoughtfully considering feedback, and finding a way to make feedback useful are critical skills for anyone who has ambitious career goals. This may be harder than anything else, but it is kind of a precursor to the gravitas piece. Foundational.

I once read a study showing that some people come wired with an openness to feedback, and you must hire for it because it can’t be taught. The study wasn’t replicated, so I am not 100% convinced, but it did stick with me—especially when I am hiring. And it hasn’t stopped me from trying to help people shift. The thing about working as a professional coach, however, is that people who sign up for it are de facto willing to hear feedback and open to change.

How might you help her shift? Possibly by using a coach approach and asking questions like these. (Note: These are just ideas—hopefully your experience with your person will help you to pinpoint a few that might work)

• I have noticed you have a bit of a hard time with feedback. Can you tell me a little bit about that?
• What do you think might be contributing to your reaction?
• What is your understanding of the purpose of feedback in professional growth?
• What do you think are the potential benefits of being open to feedback, even if it makes you a little uncomfortable at first?
• Have you ever had a situation where feedback led to a positive outcome? How might that experience be useful now?
• Have you noticed any patterns or recurring themes in feedback you receive? Is there something useful to consider there?
• What might it take for you to be more open to receiving feedback?
• Can you envision a future version of yourself who is more open and receptive to feedback? How could you move closer to that vision?
• What advice might you give to a friend who struggles with feedback?
• Is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to hear feedback from me? And conversely, is there anything I do that makes it hard for you to hear feedback from me?

Getting this person to make the shift to seeking and using feedback will help her for the rest of her working life. You would be doing her an enormous service. I personally had a crossroads moment with a teacher who helped me with this exact issue, and I am grateful to this day.

Now the gravitas part:

It is tricky, right? Because the risk is that we are saying we want you to be authentic—but not that authentic.

Here is a past blog I wrote on this topic that might be useful. The biggest issue with a concept like gravitas is that it is a combination of a couple of very specific things that contribute to the effect of not having it.

There are so many little micro behaviors, often habitual, that conspire together: tone of voice, volume, affect, use of language, energy management (too much/too little depending on mood), lack of discipline with interrupting others, allowing others to interrupt. It goes on and on. With women especially, a common habit that diminishes presence is touching the face and/or hair. It is so unconscious, almost no one I have worked with had any idea they were doing it. 

 I am guessing you can identify a few of the little things she does that diminish the impression that she is a reliable person with authority. The key is to choose the behaviors that are most egregious and help her to notice those.

The first step is always to just pay attention and notice. 

 Then, have her consider what she might do differently. If it is a behavior that needs to be stopped, it can be helpful to brainstorm what she can do instead. For example: “Instead of touching my face, I should always have a pen in my hand and a notebook, and never take my hands off of those items.”

The other angle to gravitas is dress and grooming. This is so hard because it is so personal, but if someone doesn’t tell you, you won’t ever know. If that is the issue, you can share pictures of appropriate clothes for executive women. People can get a little cranky when you tell them that they can’t wear crocs to client meetings, or that shaving one side of their head doesn’t send the right message in their chosen industry. As people rise in organizations there has to be a certain level of being willing to wear a “costume” to signal who you are to others. It may feel disingenuous or shallow, but it is simply human nature.

Start with the crux of the matter: learning to deal with feedback is non-negotiable. Then tackle the gravitas concern. She may become demotivated. She may blame you. She may take it so personally that she can’t recover. If that’s the case, she does not have what it takes to achieve her goals, and that won’t be on you.

Be direct but kind. Tell the truth as you see it, including that fact that you are motivated to tell her these hard things because she does have so much going for her, and you would hate to see her held back for any reason.

 You will have done your best to help. The rest will be up to her.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a business unit for a medium-size business. I have a group of six regional managers who report to me. We have been working remotely since long before Covid and have been using video conference for our team meetings forever.

I have a direct report who has begun to refuse to be on camera for our weekly team meetings. About a year ago, we did a team charter where we all agreed that having everyone on camera improved the meetings. We are pretty informal, and we all get tired of sitting at our desks, so some people stand and do yoga poses, some people pace, etc. Certainly if anyone needs a quick bio break, they go off camera for a few minutes. Everyone has kids and dogs they must deal with when they work from home and coworker interruptions when they are in the office. That is just normal.

I have spoken to this team member about the issue a couple of times, and she doesn’t seem to have a good explanation for her choice. She just says she is sick of being on camera all day. I do sympathize; I also think it is tiring. She runs an office, though, and many of her people come in, so she has plenty of in-person time with people. She doesn’t seem to have a problem being on camera for our regular 1×1’s. I am flummoxed.

This situation is affecting the team, and I don’t know what to do next.

Thoughts?

Shut Out

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Shut Out,

It is funny when, with no explanation, someone just decides to not comply with a rule they had agreed to follow. We could speculate all day long about what is going on, but it wouldn’t help us much. Try once more to discuss it with her. This time, be candid about the importance of her being on camera for the team meeting. Make it clear that if there is no real reason, it is not acceptable for her to be off camera.

Perhaps you could prepare some details about how you see this affecting the team. Ask some questions to get your camera-shy person to gain some insight into how her choice impacts the team. Some ideas:

• Is there something I need to know about what is going on with you?
• Is there something happening within the team that is making you feel unsafe or uncomfortable?
• What impact do you think it might have that you are choosing to go against what the team agreed to?
• Is there something we could all do together that might reduce your on-camera fatigue?

You haven’t said anything about this person’s performance, so I assume all is well in that area. If, in fact, there is a significant performance issue, that might be part of the problem. If she is feeling bad about her performance, that is something you can address head on.

If you press the issue, she might choose to share her reason(s), which could help you understand. If she says something that helps you make sense of her decision, you can make a call, and then share it with the team. That seems like a long shot, though. My personal experience is that people who consistently choose to be off camera in regular meetings do themselves a disservice, since it makes it easy to forget that they are even present.

In the end, as the boss, you will probably have to insist on compliance with the group’s decision. Of course, she may refuse, and then you have that to deal with. You may have to decide if this issue is worth losing an employee. That will be up to you. The most important thing to know is that whatever happens will set a precedent—and it will send a message to the whole team about what is important to you and what isn’t. Your leg to stand on here is that being on camera was the team’s decision, not some arbitrary rule that you are enforcing to assert your power.

You might think about bringing up the whole matter with the team and revisiting the on-camera rule together. Maybe the whole team is sick of it.

Everyone is finding their way in this new era of hybrid teams. You will want to tread lightly and be sensitive to individual needs, while also keeping the best interests of the team at heart. It is always a bit of a balancing act.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am fairly new to the workforce. I have a degree in accounting and got a great job right out of college, working in the finance department. I’ve been in this job for almost two years now. I like the company, the products we make, my manager, and my work.

My issue is that I feel there is so much more our company could be doing to appeal to people my age. Our CEO and our head of marketing are the age of my grandparents. I hate to be ageist, but we could be so much more successful if they were willing to expand their view of the market and to use social media. I don’t have a degree in marketing or even work in marketing, but I don’t need to be an expert to see the missed opportunities.

I hear a lot about generational differences, and I worry if I say something that I will be seen as a know-it-all or worse. Do you think I should say something?

Big Ideas

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Big Ideas,

I can’t really say. But I can propose some ways you can look at this that might help you think it through and come to a decision that feels right.

The first thing to consider is the company culture, values, and overarching strategy. Are there stated values? If so, is there anything about innovation or continual improvement? Does your CEO communicate about where he sees the company going and the goals that are going to help it get there? You might find some clues there as to how open senior leadership might be to new ideas. You can connect any ideas you want to share to the values and strategy of the organization.

Your next stop would be a conversation with your manager. Generally, people in finance aren’t thinking much about marketing, but your manager should be able to offer some guidance of who might be open to hearing your insights. There could be a young counterpart of yours in the marketing department who sees things the same way you do. It wouldn’t hurt to develop a relationship with someone like that.

Finally, you might think about framing your ideas in compelling terms, depending on who you are talking to. Anything you can do to get to know people and what is important to them will help. You can check out their social media to see what interests them, and then tailor your pitch to leverage that. Some people will be interested in market share, others in revenue, and still others in creativity and the reputation of the company.

Be ready to ask questions and listen carefully to the answers. If you ask “what ideas have you had?” you can weave others’ thinking into subsequent pitches so it doesn’t sound like you are only sharing your ideas.

The more you get people talking, the more they will end up thinking any ideas that get adopted were theirs. This would be a win! Start slow, with just a few people, and build from there.

I love big ideas! And, being a grandparent myself, I find that my world view is vastly enriched by engaging with the younger generations. But, of course, that’s me. Start by enlarging your network and developing relationships with as many people as you can. Find ways to connect your ideas to what interests them. Take your time and be respectful. You might just be able to spark some interest that becomes a fire. As long as you aren’t worried about controlling the outcomes, or being seen as the owner of whatever happens, you might be surprised at the impact you can make.

Having vision for what is possible is a leadership trait, Big Ideas, and figuring out how to influence people to see what you see is a critical leadership lesson. There are great things in store for you, my friend!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have an employee who is very dependable and is doing an excellent job. I am certain he will do very well here, long term. He has been with the company about a year, has developed confidence, and often catches errors before it is too late. He is trusted and his peers go to him to brainstorm and troubleshoot.

I have noticed that he stays silent in meetings but will share his thoughts with others after the meeting. This causes extra work and adds time to the process of making the best decisions. I have encouraged him to speak up in group settings, but he is not rising to the occasions as they are presented.

I see great things for this person, and this is an important step in his development. I am not sure how to help him make this leap. Would appreciate some ideas.

Challenged

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Challenged,

Getting the quiet ones to speak up in the moment is a tricky one. The key will be to first get him on board. It may take a lot for him to “rise,” as you say, so he needs to understand the difference it will make for him. He also needs to understand what it will cost him if he fails to even try.

This will require a one-on-one conversation that is private with no interruptions. Then paint the picture of what you see going on.

Start by explaining what compels you to insist on his development. If you didn’t see such promise, you wouldn’t bother, right? He needs to know that you know the value he brings.

Then explain why it is so important for him to speak up in the moment, not after the meeting. Use an example of a recent case where it added time and needless complexity to a decision process. There is a good chance he has no idea it is causing static.

Remind him that you have encouraged him in the past and have not seen any change.

Then ask questions that will help you understand what is going on:

• Do you see how important it is that you speak up in the moment?

• What keeps you from speaking up in the moment?

• Is there anything or anyone (including me) in the meetings that make you feel unsafe?

• What can I do to make it feel safer for you?

• How can you overcome whatever is getting in your way of speaking?

Ask each question and let him take his time to answer. You may have to be in silence together for a while, and that’s okay. If it makes you uncomfortable, breathe.

You can speculate all day long as to why your high potential person is staying quiet, but only he knows. To be fair, he may not even know himself, so you may not get a clear answer the first time you ask. Be prepared to have him go away and think about it. If this happens, schedule a follow-up so he knows you are not going to let it drop.

You may end up hearing something unexpected. Maybe he was punished or ridiculed for speaking up in his last job. Maybe he needs time to think about things. Maybe he just doesn’t think anyone cares what he thinks, despite what you have said to him. Who knows?

But extend the invitation to partner with him to help him rise. Give it time. It may require incremental experiments. Or you may unleash something—for better or for worse.

He is lucky to have a manager who cares enough to bother. I salute you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a business unit for a global manufacturing company and have been in the role for about 18 months. I took over for someone who was completely checked out and it was a bit of a mess. It has taken me this long just to untangle the log jams and uncover all of the critical tasks that weren’t getting done. I had to replace a few key managers who weren’t enthusiastic about being held accountable.

All of the processes and systems are now up and running, and things are smooth enough that I have devoted some time to doing skip-level meetings with people who report to my executive team members. These have been enlightening, to say the least. It has become clear to me that one of my team members, who has delivered stellar results, has also created a toxic work environment. He yells at people in front of others and his team members live in fear of making a mistake. I believe it is only a matter of time before they start quitting in droves.

I was put in this job because my strength is process, so I am a little at sea about what to do about this situation. My instinct is to call him out in front of the rest of the team so he knows what that feels like, because that’s exactly what he is doing. I am so mad that this is the only thing I have come up with so far. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Process Master

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Process Master,

Congratulations on your success.

Skip levels can indeed be illuminating. You have somehow earned enough trust in the organization that people are willing to tell the truth about their experience. The problem is now that you know, and people know you know, you do need to do something about it or you risk losing that trust.

The question is: what?

Your instinct is understandable and your hesitation is smart. You don’t want to role model the exact behaviors you are trying to curtail. You have already shifted the culture of the organization to be process focused. What else do you think is important to the culture? If culture is values in action, what are the values you want to see? There are clues in your allergic reaction to the way your direct report is treating his people.

If you see yelling at people—especially in front of others—as unacceptable, what should replace that behavior? Possibly this indicates that you think leaders should treat their people with respect and should give feedback in private. What exactly would that look like?

If people live in fear of making a mistake, how should mistakes be dealt with? The way you answer this question reveals the value you want your leaders to embody. Perhaps you think that mistakes reveal a lack of competence that needs to be addressed. This might represent the value of preparedness. Possibly you feel people have too much on their plates and need help to balance their workload. That might represent the value of fairness, say, or load balancing.

What else did you hear from your skip levels that leads you to diagnose the environment their leader has created as toxic? What exact specific things did you hear that the leader does that makes you believe people will quit in droves? This is the only way to shape the requests you can make of your direct report. It should be direct and straightforward, so that there is no confusion about the message you are sending.

It might sound something like this:

• “I understand you routinely yell at your people in front of their peers. That is not an effective way to build trust among your people. I request that you never raise your voice and offer redirection in private. Keep things matter of fact, never personal.”
• “I heard your people live in fear of making mistakes. I request that you treat people with respect and treat mistakes as information that something is not quite right. Get to bottom of what is causing the mistakes and fix it.”
• “Your results have been excellent, but you won’t be able to sustain them if everyone quits. So I need to see if you can produce the same results while creating an environment that people enjoy working in.”

Write down your requests, and, if possible, practice with someone safe. Do not allow yourself to make room for excuses or get drawn into a debate. That will take you down a road that will not serve you.

Once you make clear requests, make sure your direct report knows you will be following up to check on his compliance with them. Be ready to share the consequences he will face if he does not change his behavior. He has already seen that you will not tolerate lack of accountability, so that should work in your favor.

As the leader of your unit, it is your responsibility to share the values you expect your team to use as they lead their people. You seem to have gotten the message across that process alignment and task completion are the most important. Now you can add other values—maybe respect, or kindness, or appreciation for employees. One leader I worked with had a value he called “No Jerks.” His people knew exactly what that meant.

I can’t tell you what your values are—only you can sleuth those out by noticing what you don’t want. That will help you to articulate what you do want, what is most important, and what is unacceptable. Those are your values. Once you figure them out, share them with your people regularly. Use them to shape the feedback you give. Track the extent to which your leaders are guided by those values in performance reviews. As you know, anyone can get great results through bullying in the short term, but it will tank results in the long term.

I suspect you will rise to this new leadership challenge.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an experienced executive. A few years ago, my company created a mentoring program. I have really enjoyed mentoring young new hires and have done several six-month stints.

My first mentee and I have stayed in close touch and have become friendly. The kid is a rock star at work and has benefited from some introductions I’ve made and tips I’ve given him, which has been gratifying.

My problem is that I think he has been making some terrible decisions in his personal life.

He is in a long-term relationship with a young woman who appears selfish and volatile to the point of being unstable. The relationship seems to make him miserable. A few months ago he told me he was going to end things with her—but the next thing I knew, she was moving in to his condo.

At around the same time, he got a big promotion with a hefty raise. He had been telling me that he was saving up to take a sabbatical and travel the world; yet, right after he got his raise, he blew his savings on a very fancy new car. He had never mentioned any interest in cars or other status symbols. I suspect it was the girlfriend who convinced him to buy it.

I am having a hard time keeping myself from talking to him about how he says one thing and then does another and how I believe he is making big decisions he will regret.

My advice has always been centered around work, so it doesn’t feel right to chime in about his personal life. But I feel like I am watching a train wreck about to happen and don’t know how to stop it. Should I…

Say Something?

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Say Something?

Your instincts are right on the money. My short answer is to keep your mouth shut.

Friendly is a far cry from friends. With the age difference and the power imbalance, you do not have an equal, reciprocal relationship. Would you ask your mentee for advice about your big life decisions? It doesn’t sound like it. And it also doesn’t sound like he is asking for your advice on the choices he is making.

If you just can’t help yourself, you could ask for permission to share an observation. If given leave, point out that you have experienced him claiming to want one thing and then taking actions that are almost opposite from what he said he wanted. See where that leads. It may lead to your spilling all of your opinions, which would be a mistake that could very well ruin the relationship—so you would need to be prepared for that.

But I don’t see any upside for you in doing this. Ultimately, it just isn’t any of your business. It is true almost 100% of the time that no good deed goes unpunished. Young people have to find their own way and make their own mistakes. Your mentee may be creating train wrecks for himself, but they are his train wrecks and he will undoubtedly learn important things from them.

Maybe the two of you will become true friends over time and he will wise up enough to ask for your opinion on his personal choices. Until then, keep your counsel confined to professional work stuff and zip it on all other topics. And when the time comes when you want to say “I knew it”—don’t. Just nod your head and empathize.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team in a large company that recently went to an Unlimited PTO policy. I am glad, because tracking and trying to get people to take their PTO was a pain.

So far, it has worked pretty well. The policy is that people need to request holiday time in advance, mainly so I can cover for people and not have too many people out at the same time. As a team we try to stagger summer holidays and take turns being on call for the big ones that everyone takes, summer Fridays, etc.

My problem is one of my team members—I will call her “S”—who calls in sick almost every Monday. I didn’t really notice it until it started to happen regularly. I also have noticed that she never accepts Monday meetings. Other team members are making jokes about how we can’t have certain meetings on Mondays if S needs to be there.

When S comes in on Tuesdays, I can smell the alcohol on her. I suspect she is partying so hard on the weekends that it bleeds into Mondays and she thinks that is okay. I actually don’t know if that’s true, but something really feels off about this. Thoughts?

Monday Madness

______________________________________________________________

Dear Monday Madness,

Something is off. When other team members start cracking jokes about something, it is your cue that it is long past time to address it.

I can only assume you have an HR business partner, so you need to check in with that person to get the details on the Unlimited PTO policy. Most require the employee to clear PTO with the manager in advance (as you mentioned), and a doctor’s note is required for extended time off due to illness. The whole idea behind PTO is to give people the flexibility and freedom they need to manage their lives and choose how to manage their time to get their work done.

The fact that you and your team are having to schedule around S is an indication that she is using the policy incorrectly—so you must step in. Her cavalier “I just don’t work on Mondays” thing is way out of bounds and you need to put a stop to it pronto. The reasons ultimately don’t matter. If S actually is dealing with an illness, she needs to tell you and work with you to manage her schedule and properly support her in getting the help she needs.

The question of her smelling of alcohol is a separate issue. If she is partying like a maniac, it isn’t really your business unless it keeps her from showing up to work. And you don’t know if that is the case, even though it might seem that way. You can be prepared to share information about mental health and substance abuse support if your company has an EAP program in case S reveals anything that makes that appropriate.

There is a good possibility S is just confused about what Unlimited PTO really means.

Get the facts, get some solid language from HR, practice if you feel shaky, and then say what needs to be said without blame or judgment. Be clear with S about what is required and what is unacceptable. And offer appropriate help if it is needed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the CEO of a small but rapidly growing global employee relocation services organization. It is a complicated business. One of the complexities is that employment laws are different in every country and they change constantly.

Our chief legal counsel is very talented and business savvy. But when we are trying to land new business, when time is of the essence, she never seems to be able to review contracts in a timely manner. She has the largest team by far on the cost side of the business and she doesn’t delegate well. When she thinks her people are overwhelmed she takes over their tasks, which I think is ridiculous because she has her own very critical time sensitive work that needs tending to. My top salespeople get frustrated and call me and then I have to call her out, which creates a lot of tension.

I want to talk to her about this but I am stuck. I just don’t think someone at her level (not to mention her salary) should need her CEO to talk to her about how she is managing her time.

Replacing her is not an attractive proposition. This is a highly specialized industry and she does know a lot. When she actually focuses, she is brilliant and has helped us avoid a lot of challenges. But something must change. Thoughts?

Sick of Babysitting

_________________________________________________________

Dear Sick of Babysitting,

This does sound frustrating, but you have everything you need to rectify this situation.

One obstacle you can clear easily is your own attitude, which sounds roughly like: “I shouldn’t have to provide direction to someone this senior who is so well paid.” You are not alone. This mindset is pervasive. I hear it all day long—and I get it, I really do. But it is the natural result of the fact that people tend to be promoted because they are smart, hardworking, and technically excellent in their area of expertise—not because they are good managers or particularly talented businesspeople.

You are the CEO and it is your responsibility to make sure each person on your executive team:

1.  is crystal clear on their priorities, and
2. demonstrates that they have arranged what they focus on and how they allocate their resources (time, people, budget) in ways that are aligned with those priorities.

This essentially bypasses any confusion about what senior level, highly compensated employees should or should not be able to do. If such people are not doing what you think they should be doing, in the way you want it done and in the proper time frame, it is almost always because they either don’t understand the priorities (or don’t think they are important), they disagree with your priorities, or they simply don’t know how.

If the situation you describe continues, you can ask these branching questions:

• “Are the priorities clear?”
  • If the answer is no, repeat them. If it is yes, then ask:
• “Do you disagree with these priorities?”
  •  If yes, listen carefully, discuss, and find some middle ground. If no, then ask:
• “Do you need some help with figuring out how to align with them?”
  • If no, great, you can expect to see specific changes and you can brainstorm ways to track accountability for these changes. If yes, brainstorm what would be most helpful.

If it seems she can’t figure it out and does need some help, you can provide her with training or a coach or spend a little time with her yourself.

All this needs to be done without any blame or judgment on your part, so you will probably have to practice some self-regulation. It will help if you can convince yourself of the fundamental truth that just because you think someone should know something doesn’t mean they will.

From what you shared, it seems that your CLC’s priority is taking care of her own people, which is admirable, but serving her internal customers should be at least equally as important.

This plan assumes that the two of you have a decent relationship and that she will feel safe enough to tell you the truth. If you don’t think that will be the case, you may want to look at the possibility that you have built a culture of fear, and your direct executive team has stopped challenging you. This would mean you have a bigger problem: you have surrounded yourself with yes-men and yes-women and are flying blind. Let’s follow up on that if you think it might be true.

To put it in a nutshell, get over yourself and help out your legal eagle.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

People want an empathetic leader. Many managers strive to be one. But ask someone to define the term, and you’re likely to be met with silence.

Let’s start with the definition. According to Merriam-Webster, empathy means “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

The logical question is: why is being empathetic an important quality of a leader? It seems to have nothing in common with achieving tasks or succeeding in the workplace.

The importance of being an empathetic leader starts with the simple truth that leadership is about people. If you’re going to lead effectively, you must be attuned to your people’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This translates into creating real partnerships rather than exerting power. It means walking alongside your team members and guiding them in the direction you need them to go.

Why Empathetic Leaders Are Needed Now

The topic of empathetic leadership has been getting a lot of press lately, mostly due to the adverse effects of the pandemic. COVID has bruised people in many ways: losing a loved one, losing a job, pay cuts, health problems, and on and on.

People are reevaluating their relationship with work in the wake of the pandemic. Some are deciding life’s too short to leave their spirit at the door and endure long workdays just to bring home a paycheck. They want an environment that nourishes them in a profound way.

The Empathy Deficit

Forbes says empathy is the most important leadership skill, but only 40% of people rate their leaders as being empathetic. It’s tricky to single out one skill as being the most important—anyone can argue that other skills deserve top billing. That qualifier aside, this statistic reveals a huge disconnect between what people want and what their leaders are providing.

But leading with empathy isn’t easy. If empathetic leadership were part of a college curriculum, it would be a 200-level class. It presumes that people have all the basics down—and many leaders don’t.

Leaders are often promoted to their roles based on their success as an individual contributor. But being a first-time manager requires a whole new set of skills—for example, emotional intelligence—that are more important than technical expertise. Many managers either haven’t had the opportunity to develop these skills, are resistant to doing so, or don’t have an interest in them.

When you add up all these reasons, it’s easy to see why we have an empathy deficit among leaders and their people.

Know Thyself

Becoming an empathetic leader starts with having excellent self-awareness. This requires doing inner work on understanding your motivators, your temperament, and your personality style. It also includes knowing your communication style, your reaction to feedback, and how your values shape your behavior.

The first step in your journey is investing in your own development. Once you are more self-aware, you can begin to adjust your leadership style to the needs of your people.

Senior executives play a pivotal role in this. They must put organizational resources behind self-awareness initiatives to show they are serious about developing empathetic leaders. Investing in training is an example. Just as important, they need to model the behaviors they want the organization’s leaders to demonstrate. They also should have caring conversations with managers who don’t appear to be growing into empathetic leaders.

Understand Others

The second part of empathetic leadership is striving for a good understanding of your team members. This includes improving your communication skills, such as being curious in conversations instead of being defensive or aggressive. It also includes learning how to eliminate fear in your interactions with your people—trust cannot survive if there is fear in a relationship.

Building trust with your people is essential if you’re to be an empathetic leader. They must know you are on their side and you mean them no harm. You must show them your role as a leader is to help them succeed. The better you understand your people, the better you’ll be able to serve them in a meaningful way.

Be Helpful

Finding practical ways to serve others is a concrete example of empathetic leadership. Our Self Leadership course teaches five points of power you can use to help your people succeed:

• Position Power: Having the title or authority to make certain decisions
• Task Power: Having control over a task or particular job
• Personal Power: Having interpersonal and leadership skills, passion, inspiration, or a personal vision of the future
• Relationship Power: Being connected or friendly with other people who have power
• Knowledge Power: Having relevant experience, expertise, or credentials

Empathetic leaders use these points of power to build up their people, help them feel safe and secure, and increase their confidence. When leaders do this, their people know they care about them. This opens many doors of possibility.

Be Compassionate

Empathetic leaders are compassionate and extend grace to others. They know how to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. But remember: organizations have goals that must be accomplished. Leaders must balance compassion with clear expectations that are understood by every team member.

Leaders who are empathetic place great importance on creating psychological safety—an environment where a person feels free to speak their mind, take risks, and admit mistakes without fear of being punished or reprimanded.

Empathetic leaders also balance great relationships with great results. Ken Blanchard and I share how to navigate this tricky intersection in our new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust. 

Simple Truth #1 in our book is “Servant leadership is the best way to achieve both great results and great relationships.” Many people have an either/or mindset when it comes to leadership—they focus on either achieving results or developing relationships. You can get both if you set a clear vision and direction for your people, then work side by side serving them in ways that help them accomplish their goals.

Set Boundaries

Empathetic leaders know how to set clear boundaries that benefit everyone, such as letting people know how many hours a day they’re supposed to work or that sending late-night emails is inappropriate.

When everyone has clarity on work boundaries—including rules and expectations—there is tremendous safety and freedom. Boundaries create a guardrail so people don’t unduly sacrifice themselves to accomplish something. Boundaries also promote autonomy. They let people know what they can and can’t do. 

An Empathetic Leader in Action

Seeing an empathetic leader in action turns philosophy into concrete reality. Try to imagine yourself as an empathetic leader who practices the following behaviors on a daily basis.

An empathetic leader:

• Asks rather than tells
• Listens rather than speaks
• Serves rather than commands
• Cares about people’s concerns
• Is receptive to feedback
• Doesn’t overact to people’s questions or concerns
• Doesn’t interpret concerns as resistance

When you demonstrate these behaviors, your people will be loyal to you. They’ll be engaged. They’ll give their best effort. They’ll be more innovative. And they’ll speak highly about your organization to their friends and colleagues.

Call to Action

At its core, empathetic leadership is about being an others-focused leader. It’s about leaders being in tune with the needs of their people and responding in tangible ways that demonstrate their care and concern. And how do people respond when their leaders act this way? They pledge their loyalty, trust, and commitment to that leader, which results in greater productivity, innovation, and creativity. Who wouldn’t want that?

Ron Darling, a stellar pitcher with the New York Mets in the 1980s, was going through a brutal divorce. He struggled through spring training and the start of the season. His emotional turmoil  hurt his game.

Davey Johnson, the team’s roughneck manager, noticed Darling’s struggles and reportedly said to him, “I went through a rough divorce. You can’t sleep. It affects every part of your life. It’s devastating. I get it. My heart goes out to you.”

He then continued, “But I’m also your manager. We pay you a lot of money to pitch. It’s also in your best interests to be successful. So leave the past behind you and throw the ball!” As the story goes, this conversation turned Darling’s career around.

This story is a wonderful illustration of the power of empathy. If Johnson hadn’t first empathized with his player’s difficulties, Darling might have become furious, left the team, or quit baseball. But Johnson first empathized, making Darling receptive to the truth, which inspired him to perform to the best of his ability.

The story also shows that empathetic leadership must not be used in isolation. It is a virtue that thrives when it’s coupled with other virtues. Being only empathetic would lead to its own set of problems. Balancing empathy with other qualities is where things can get a bit spicy.

Empathy is Essential for Great Leadership

Let’s start with some basics before we explore the complexity of this topic. A good leader is an empathetic leader. In fact, it’s hard to image a successful leader who isn’t empathetic.

The pandemic has taken an emotional toll on everyone. We have a greater need today to be heard and understood. We expect our leaders to acknowledge what we are feeling and be sensitive to it. That is why the quality of empathy is so prized right now.

Being empathetic isn’t just a feel-good philosophy. It stimulates innovation, spurs engagement, and improves retention. People who work for empathetic leaders are more productive, loyal, and happier at their jobs.

Being empathetic is a win-win proposition.

Empathy in Relationships

Empathy is fundamental part of our relationships. It is vital under certain circumstances. It’s when, as a leader, you know it’s time to ask, “How can I support you?”

Listening is a wonderful form of empathy. Sometimes people need to be heard and that’s sufficient. Sometimes people want advice. Whatever the case, though, empathy should result in meaningful action.

Empathy in Conversations

I like to say there are two kinds of conversations: useful and useless. Empathy is essential for a useful conversation. I must know how you are feeling if we are to have a meaningful exchange. By demonstrating empathy, I can connect with you, understand where you are, and move forward.

Useful conversations create positive regard between two people. They also create clarity and focus about what will happen next. In contrast, useless conversations lack clarity or end with a disagreement or a drop in regard from one or both people.

Sometimes people are unempathetic because they don’t know their own feelings or they project what they are feeling onto others. If I’m feeling suspicious, I assume the person I’m talking to is also feeling this way. Empathy really starts with self-awareness.

Empathy and Forthrightness

Empathy should be present in our interactions but needs to be coupled with forthrightness. It is a business truth that people need to perform, and, if they don’t meet expectations, the barriers to performance must be addressed.

To be clear, our reaction to someone in distress should be warm and empathetic. But that doesn’t mean the person should be coddled. In fact, they may not want to be coddled.

Empathy and Misreading Situations

It’s easy to misinterpret people and situations. We often bring our last conversation or the events of the day into the next interaction. We don’t always know if someone is reacting to us or to something that happened earlier. Observing someone’s behavior over a period of time is an effective way to separate what we might be projecting onto a situation.

Great leaders know how to balance their emotional and cognitive sides. They don’t get caught in someone else’s emotional turmoil. They listen with love. And they listen with discrimination. That combination produces true empathy.

Nice Versus Kind

When we’re empathizing with someone who’s struggling, there’s a tendency to be nice instead of kind. Nice is when we sugarcoat the truth or avoid it entirely. Kind is when we tell the truth in an empathetic or supportive way.

It’s unfair to withhold information from someone whose performance is subpar. You may feel it is the nice thing to do when someone is in distress, but it isn’t ultimately kind. The facts will remain unchanged no matter how you try to gloss over an issue. When you are kind, though, you are giving someone an opportunity to grow and change.

Empathy and kindness coupled with discrimination is always advisable.

Empathy and SLII®

The fundamental teaching of SLII® is how to break things down into discrete situations. Once you do this, you can deal with each situation based on its own merits. The first job of a leader taking a situational approach is to stop and consider the other person. This is an act of empathy.

One-on-one meetings, another cornerstone of SLII®, give leaders a chance to be empathetic. The employee sets the agenda and shares what’s important to them. Your job as a leader is to learn how they are performing and feeling—and empathize with their challenges.

A Final Thought

We all need to understand what positive and negative behaviors we regularly demonstrate. It’s so easy to become overwhelmed by our work that we lose sight of how we affect others.

When I catch myself falling into this trap, I’ll say to the other person, “Let me see if I can repeat back to you what I’ve heard so you know I understand what you’ve said.”

It’s my attempt to be empathetic. How about yours?

Dear Madeleine,

I have recently taken a job as office/operations manager for a medical practice. The managing partner is fairly new to the practice and was given the job because none of the other doctors want to deal with the day-to-day problems.

It is true that hiring and managing staff plus staying on top of the many rules, regulations, and insurance details is an endless series of issues. The practice has kept up with the times but just barely, and there is much room for improvement, efficiencies, and innovation.

The managing partner claims he wants to modernize and be more profitable, but every time I present him with a plan, he shoots it down.

How can I get him onboard with my ideas? I really just want to make things better around here.

Excited to Make Change

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Excited to Make Change,

Congratulations! You sound super excited and enthusiastic. I am sorry that the wind has been taken out of your sails with your first attempts, but with a few tweaks in your approach you will be on your way again.

It sounds like so far you have presented ideas and plans that you think are most needed—but your new managing partner doesn’t know you yet and has no reason to trust you. So your first step is to understand your managing partner. Schedule some time with him to ask questions, listen carefully to the answers, and take notes. Something like:

• What is your vision for the practice?
• If you could change one thing about the way we operate the practice today, what would it be?
• What do you think is working well?
• What do you think is not working well?
• What is important you?
• Of all the things that are important, which are the priorities?
• What was it about my previous attempts at plans that didn’t work for you?
• If I were to do my job perfectly, what would that look like to you?

Do not engage in discussion. If you must talk at all, ask follow-up questions to get more detail. Use phrases like “can you say more about that?” or “tell me more” or “can you share an example?” During your listening session, do not use the opportunity to argue for your plans. Really—I am not kidding—just listen and pay attention. After your listening session, write up your notes and send them to the managing partner. This will further cement the impression that you care and you are paying attention.

This meeting accomplishes a couple of things:

1. You will build trust: It makes the managing partner feel that he is included and you are interested in his opinions and ideas. So with just that, you are developing your relationship and making him feel like he matters. The rule of thumb here is that no one will trust the message until they trust the messenger.
2. You will learn a lot: You will get some insight into how your managing partner sees things, what is important to him, and how he thinks. You can use this information to craft a plan to tackle what matters most to him in a way that is compelling to him. You’ll learn his language: Does he speak and think in spreadsheets? Does he want to hear about best practices your competitors are using? Does he care only about money? Patient care? Customer service? Holding the doctors accountable?

When the time comes to share a plan, you can frame it as his own idea; e.g., “You said the most critical thing we need to address is patient care, so I have taken your suggestions, added a few based on my research, and would like to present some ideas on how we might tackle that.” The tactic of making the person with the power to greenlight your plans think the whole thing was their idea is as old as time—because it works. If you feel yourself balking at this notion because you want credit for your own genius, I get that. And I say get over it. Focus on how you can get stuff done, and not on who will get credit for it.

Some other thoughts to consider as you get more insight into what your manager is thinking about and how he is thinking about it:

• Create a survey for everyone working in the practice to assess what matters to them, what gets in the way of them doing their best work, and what ideas they have to “make things better around here.” Then, leverage public opinion to argue for some good ideas. You can do interviews with people or use an online survey tool like Survey Monkey, which has a free version. You don’t have to be an expert to create surveys. Just be sure to ask one question at a time. Create ways for people to respond to problems that have already been surfaced, to get a sense of which ones are the most pressing for people.
• Research what your competitors do differently (or better) than you. Study the latest best practices and be clear about how these practices make a difference. Use as much data as you can get your hands on to make your case.
• Connect your ideas to your practice’s values (if they exist), strategic plan (if there is one), and/or goals for growth (if there are any).
• If your managing partner shoots down your next attempt, you might lobby for support among the doctors and others in the practice who have influence.

Hopefully, one or more of these ideas will be helpful. Don’t give up. What seems obvious to you is probably not obvious to others. This is an opportunity for you to develop the skills of gaining supporters and building enthusiasm for your ideas and plans. I promise—having these skills will serve you well for your entire career!

You probably wish you could just have a great idea and move directly to execution. I remember feeling that way a long time ago. That works if it is just you. But the minute you try to do things for an entire group, you become a political animal, and that is a lot of work—much more work than you think it should be. But worth it in the end.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have always really liked my job even though the workload is oversized and the hours are long. I provide expert advice and coaching around diet and weight management in a community medical clinic. I have a master’s degree in nutrition and am a registered dietitian. We are government funded and located in an under-resourced community so I know I am providing a much-needed service, which makes me feel good.

About nine months ago I got a new boss. Her voice is weirdly high pitched and grating and all she does is find fault, but I thought I would give her a chance. To be fair, under my last boss (who was super nice) things weren’t very well run, so I thought it would be good to get a fresh perspective.

I have very high professional standards. I am always up on the latest research, always on time, and go the extra mile. I have taken classes that I have paid for myself to get better at communicating. (People get defensive about health and weight—it is a tricky topic.) I complete all of my paperwork on time and have never had a complaint.

My new boss criticizes everything I do and seems to try to make me feel terrible in small and large ways. If I arrive early or work late, she says something like “well, I guess you have no life.” If I help a patient apply for extra services (which they always need), she dings me for putting extra pressure on the system or hogging resources.

She comments on my looks, my clothes, and the age of my car. I am always neat and clean and have tried to always look professional but not overdo it. (This isn’t hard—I have no discretionary cash in this job and am a single mom of two.) I know I am petite and have been told I’m pretty. She calls me a “beauty queen” if I wear a little bit of a heel, and a “preppie” if I wear a button-down shirt.

I find myself second-guessing my perfectly reasonable work clothes and feeling panicky when I get dressed in the morning. It feels personal—except she pretty much does the same thing to everyone else.

I have tried asking her if she is unsatisfied with my work and how I might improve, to which she replies that I am too needy for always seeking positive feedback. I wish I were the kind of person who could draw a boundary, but the way she behaves is so erratic, and sometimes outlandish, that the only thing I can think of to say is “leave me alone!”

I am shy, introverted, and would pretty much rather die than confront anyone. I live in a state of dread and I hate going to work now. This bullying combined with the low pay and long hours is making me think it isn’t worth it. I am at a loss. Is it me? Help!

Dread Going to Work

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dread Going to Work,

Yuck. What a bummer. I can feel your dread.

One has to wonder, does your new boss want you to quit? Or is she simply oblivious to how her petty, nasty, mean-spirited way of going about her day affects people? She is probably one of those people who tells their children they are stupid, bad, and ugly. In my years living in New York City and riding the subway everywhere, I was astonished at the way people talked to each other and corrected their kids. One can only assume she was raised in a family of people for whom it was normal to belittle and criticize.

It is possible she is tough and thinks she is funny, and what feel like jabs to you are her idea of relating. I actually know someone—a smart, competent guy who runs his own business—and his way of connecting to his employees is to walk around flicking them on the arm, on the back, on their heads. I really do mean flicking, as in he uses his thumb as resistance to propel his index finger to produce a sharp little tap. He told me that is how he connects to his people at work!

My point here is that you just can’t really know what people are thinking unless you raise the issue. It’ll be hard, but I encourage you to draw a boundary. To do that, you would have to think through all of the things she does that are out of bounds and prepare for the next time she pokes you verbally. Practice saying things out loud so you are ready. Examples might be:

• Please don’t comment on the way I dress, it makes me feel self-conscious.
• Please don’t tease me about my car, it runs well, and a new one isn’t in the budget.
• It is my understanding that part of my job is to help patients access the resources they need. If that isn’t the case, please help me understand how the policy has changed.
• Please don’t speak to me that way.

Of course, when you feel ready for anything she might do, she will probably do something unexpected—or she might just pile on the meanness. So this may not be your best option.  

You might think about escalating. Maybe chat with your co-workers and bring a formal complaint as a group to your boss’s boss. Best case scenario, she hears the feedback and tries to improve or gets fired. Worst case scenario, she gets a reprimand and then comes back and is way worse.

If you really feel that you can’t take it anymore, and you don’t feel you have it in you to defend yourself, your next option is to get out. With your qualifications, I’ll bet you could get a job coaching for one of the many online weight loss/wellness companies that are popping up like crazy. And they all need qualified professionals. All the coaches work from home, so you wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear or anyone paying attention to your car. It’s a thought. There are also, I’m sure, many other clinics where you might do the kind of work you are doing now. It does sound like you get a great deal of satisfaction helping the underserved who so need your care.

I think dread, like many of the uncomfortable feelings, is a great gift in that it tells you something or someone is more awful than you have admitted to yourself. So your facing this situation head-on is a good first step. Now you are going to have to decide just what you will do to take care of yourself.

You wouldn’t be the first person to leave a job because of a hideous boss. It happens all the time. You can tell who the worst bosses are because they are always complaining about how hard it is to keep good employees.

It is up to you, DGtW. It sounds to me like there may be a really nice boss out there who will feel lucky to have you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Effective leadership is an influence process where leaders implement everyday, commonsense approaches that help people and organizations thrive. Yet somehow, many of these fundamental principles are still missing from most workplaces.

In their new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, legendary servant leadership expert Ken Blanchard, whose books have sold millions of copies worldwide, and his colleague Randy Conley, known and recognized for his many years of thought leadership and expertise in the field of trust, share fifty-two Simple Truths about leadership that will help leaders everywhere make commonsense leadership common practice.

The book covers a wide-ranging list of leadership skills certain to bring out the best in people. One of the things that make Blanchard and Conley’s approach different is the down-to-earth practicality of what they recommend. Instead of outcome or trait statements, the authors share leadership behaviors that get results.

How about you? What day-to-day leadership behaviors have made a big difference in your effectiveness as a leader?

Below are five examples from Blanchard and Conley. Are any of these on your list of simple leadership truths? Which of these have been powerful in your life as a leader? Which do you wish you would have learned earlier? What else would you include?

1. See Feedback as a Gift

Giving feedback to the boss doesn’t come naturally to most people, so getting honest feedback from your team members may be difficult. They may fear being the messenger bearing bad news, so they hesitate to be candid.

If you are lucky enough to receive feedback from one of your team members, remember—they’re giving you a gift. Limit yourself to three responses. Make sure the first thing you say is “Thank you!” Then follow up with “This is so helpful,” and “Is there anything else you think I should know?”

2. Help People Win

It’s hard for people to feel good about themselves if they are constantly falling short of their goals. That’s why it’s so important for you as a leader to do everything you can to help people win—accomplish their goals—by ensuring the following:

• Make sure your people’s goals are clear, observable, and measurable.
• As their leader, work together with your people to track progress.
• When performance is going well or falling short of expectations, give them appropriate praising, redirecting, or coaching—or reexamine whether your leadership style matches the person’s development level on a specific goal.

3. Admit Your Mistakes

If you make a mistake, own it. Admit what you did, apologize if necessary, and then put a plan in place to not repeat the mistake. Here are some best practices you can follow:

• Be prompt. Address the mistake as soon as possible. Delay can make it appear you’re trying to avoid or cover up the issue.
• Accept responsibility. Own your behavior and any damage it caused.
• Highlight the learning. Let your team know what you’ve learned and what you’ll do differently next time.
• Be brief. Don’t over-apologize or beat yourself up. Mistakes happen.

4. Extend Trust

Many leaders are afraid to give up too much control for fear that something will come back to bite them. They think it isn’t worth the risk to give up control. Are you willing to give up control and trust others? If you struggle to relinquish control and trust others, start with baby steps:

• Identify low-risk situations where you feel comfortable extending trust.
• Assess a person’s trustworthiness by gauging their competence to handle the task, integrity to do the right thing, and commitment to follow through.
• As you become more comfortable giving up control and learn that others can be trusted, extend more trust as situations allow.

5. Rebuild Trust When Broken

Leaders inevitably do something to erode trust—and when that happens, it’s good to have a process to follow to rebuild it. Trust can usually be restored if both parties are willing to work at it. If you have eroded trust in a relationship, follow this process to begin restoring it:

• Acknowledge. The first step in restoring trust is to acknowledge there is a problem. Identify the cause of low trust and what behaviors you need to change.
• Apologize. Take ownership of your role in eroding trust and express remorse for the harm it has caused.
• Act. Commit to not repeating the behavior and act in a more trustworthy way in the future.

Blanchard and Conley’s new book is being released on February 1. Would you like a sneak peek? Download this eBook summary of Simple Truths of Leadership.

Interested in learning more? Join Blanchard and Conley for a special webinar on January 26 where the authors will be highlighting key concepts from their book. The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies. Use this link to register.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your column on an employee who is too emotional. I have a similar problem, with some big differences. I don’t know why everyone says it is women who tend to be too emotional. I have a male colleague who is constantly melting down.

I’m not sure where he got the idea that everything he says or does should be met with 100% enthusiasm and support, but whenever he gets any kind of critique or has an idea that gets turned down, he just loses it. Anytime he is treated as anything less than a total star, his response is anger. And when he gets angry, he refuses to respond to emails and drops any number of balls that others depend on his catching so they can move forward. When I or any of several other team members have brought up this ridiculous behavior to our team lead, she acts as if she’s powerless.

I’ve kind of figured out how to work around him, which sometimes means doing tasks he should be doing. My biggest frustration is that he sits next to me, so I hear about his perceived injustices all day long. I also have to listen to him whining to his wife on the phone. I can’t fathom how she puts up with it.

It is a miracle that I haven’t told him to suck it up and stop griping. I am so sick of it I am actively looking for another job, even though I really like my company, my team, and my job. I would really like to stay but I don’t know how much longer I can keep myself from doing or saying something I regret.

How do I get this guy to grow up and stop acting like a big whiny baby?

Sick to Death of a Colleague

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sick to Death of a Colleague,

As I promised in last week’s response, I wanted to elaborate on the crazy idea that you approach the situation with Big Whiny Baby (BWB) with compassion. To do that, of course, you will have to put aside your judgment and put yourself in his shoes. How? Ask for a conversation and get really curious. You can ask questions like:

• Can you help me understand what triggers you?
• What goes on for you when you get upset?
• When you are upset, would it help you to talk about it or do prefer for us to leave you alone?
• As a team, what can we do to help you manage your frustrations?
• Have you noticed that we all throw out ideas and the ideas get better when we build on them?
• How might you keep from taking everything personally?

…and see what happens. Best case, he’ll be willing to open up to you, which will help you understand him better. A little understanding may help you put his behavior in perspective and may even help him calm down.

If your colleague is willing to talk, just listen and reflect back what you have heard.

• “What I heard you say is….”
• “It sounds like…”

Once you have finished the conversation, you can share that it is upsetting to the team when he gets so distraught—and you all really want to find a way to work together so things can stay on an even keel.

This would be taking the highest possible road, which I always encourage, of course. But it won’t be easy unless you find a way to truly care about BWB as a person.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

If you ask some people how they feel about their boss as a leader, they might say “It depends on what day it is.” Some leaders’ moods and behaviors are subject to things as random as their morning commute, the day’s financials, or whether they skipped breakfast. They can be relaxed and pleasant one day and snarling the next. I once worked with a company where a few managers who reported to a vice president confided in me that they never knew which version of the boss was going to appear. Sometimes the VP would be fun and other times he would attack. The managers even took bets on which one of them was going to trigger his wrath that day! Sound familiar?

When leaders show up in different ways on different days, direct reports can’t help but be confused. They don’t know what to expect from their leader or what their leader expects from them. This can be detrimental not only for the workers, but also for the leaders and their organizations in terms of employee retention—especially now during the “Great Resignation.” In fact, studies show that less than half of employees don’t know what is expected of them—and 75% of workers say the most stressful aspect of their job is their immediate boss.

A Proven Approach for Leadership Success

In his book The Leadership Engine, Noel Tichy proves through his extensive research that the most effective leaders have a clear, teachable point of view they are willing to share with the people they work with. These leaders know what to expect from themselves and their people so that, together, they and their organizations can succeed.

My wife, Margie, and I realized that leaders who identified and shared their leadership point of view had a crystal clear picture of their intentions as a leader. We were so fascinated with this approach that, along with our company cofounder Pat Zigarmi, we created a course called “Communicating Your Leadership Point of View” and teach it as part of the Master of Science in Executive Leadership degree program at the University of San Diego. 

Determining Your Leadership Point of View

When reflecting on and composing your own leadership point of view, focus on these three elements:

• Think of key people and events that have influenced your life and your beliefs about leadership
• Identify and define your values in terms of your leadership
• Detail your expectations of yourself and of others, as well as what others can expect of you

It’s important to take your time with this exercise. As you write, think of the effect sharing your leadership beliefs, values, and expectations will have on your people—how they will feel knowing you care enough to share your feelings about yourself as a leader. Good leadership is a side-by-side partnership. Communicating your leadership point of view to your team members gives them a sense of connection with you because it clarifies the leader you endeavor to be.

Following Up is Crucial

This point may seem obvious, but I believe it needs to be emphasized: great leaders must walk their talk.

After you share your leadership point of view, your people will be watching to see whether your behavior matches your words. Get ahead of this by giving them permission to give you feedback. After all, you have just finished telling them who you really want to be as a leader—now show them. Let them know you are accountable and want your actions to align with your values. Say something like “Now I need to ask you for your help. Even though I strive to achieve these standards every day, I sometimes fall short. Anytime you see me diverting from the behaviors I’ve just described, let me know. Your honest feedback will help me be more consistent in my leadership style so that I can be the leader you need me to be.”

Sharing your leadership story means your people won’t have to guess how you will show up each morning. You have stated in your own words the kind of leader you want to be and have given them permission to hold you accountable. It’s a powerful way to define and demonstrate your leadership style, to instill trust, confidence, and loyalty in your team members, and to strengthen your own feelings about yourself as a leader.

What’s your leadership legacy? How do you want to be seen as a leader? How do you want to be remembered? Your leadership point of view is something only you can give. It’s your signature—your unique perspective on leadership. Let your people know who you are.

Editor’s Note: Looking for more information on the Leadership Point of View process?  Visit the Leadership Point Of View information page on the Blanchard website.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small group of what we call WMS professionals—Website Marketing Specialists. They all work remotely, and the group has developed into an extremely effective team.

I am very proud of our work; together we have found a way to really add value to sales and to the company. Taken individually, each woman (the team is all female, totally randomly) is delightful, professional, and easy to work with.

My problem is that, together, they fan the flames of their worst instincts, and—there is no other way to say it—they are a group of “mean girls.”  I have gotten several complaints; from other marketing teams, from salespeople, even from our service representatives, who are responsible for serving the contracts when we land them.

On our weekly team calls, the WMS women talk smack about other people in the company. They have nothing nice to say about anyone. As a group, they send out rude emails when colleagues don’t do things the way they think things should be done. Several have been forwarded to me with “WTH” and multiple question marks.

On a recent call with our head of sales—who is my boss—they were goofing around in the chat and paying no attention at all to the presentation. I was amazed—this was their boss’s boss. He mentioned that he noticed it and was put off.  It was just straight up bad behavior that none of these women would tolerate from their children, let alone colleagues.

I don’t want to de-motivate anyone by criticizing, but the reputation of the team is starting to suffer and undermine our excellent work. I need to do something; I just don’t know what. Where would you start?

Mean Girls Running Amok

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Dear Mean Girls Running Amok,

Although the Mean Girl reference made me laugh, I would argue that you have a slightly different problem. A little research on the Mean Girl phenomenon revealed that the term defines the behavior as “relational aggression” or using friendship as weapon. So, if a couple of bullies on the team were terrorizing one of its members, that would technically be a Mean Girl situation. The good news here is that you have a powerful intact team versus a potentially trickier situation, where some of the women on the team are ganging up on other team members. The bad news, of course, is that your team has closed ranks against other teams. I would describe your phenomenon as one where a team has formed such a strong, even tribal bond and feels so great about itself that it sets itself apart, above and beyond other teams and others in the organization. This is the dark side of strong team bonding. You may think I am splitting hairs here, but I believe the distinction is important. Plus, most adult women would object to being called girls, regardless of the context.

You are right not to criticize—the last thing you want is for your team to gang up on you, which is a very real risk.  But you must have the hard conversation—with the whole team. If there is clear ringleader, you might be tempted to start with her. But that could backfire by undermining the cohesion of the group—which you want to continue to maximize. So that means having the conversation with the whole group. For that you will want a model for how to have a challenging conversation, and my favorite one comes from Conversational Capacity by Craig Webber.

Blanchard’s Conversational Capacity program defines conversational capacity as the ability of an individual or a team to engage in open, balanced, non-defensive dialogue about difficult subjects and in challenging circumstances. It is also the sweet spot where innovation happens.

Craig says that to get yourself into the right mindset, you need to find the sweet spot between minimizing behaviors and winning behaviors. Minimizing in your case might sound like: “Hey team, I think we have a pattern that might be hurting us,” while winning might sound like: “Team, you are all behaving badly, and you need to fix it or else.” You are going to want to find that sweet spot between the two that might sound something like: “Team, I have observed some behaviors—and have gotten feedback from others—that some things being done are tarnishing our reputation and undermining our great work. I want to share those with you and think through together what we might do differently.”

You will want to strike a balance between candor and curiosity. You can rely on candor to outline the problem as you see it and the potential negative consequences you all face. Then, you can apply your curiosity to understand the underlying reasons for the damaging behaviors and really hear all points of view on the topic. Craig says we can achieve this balance by:

• Stating our clear position
• Explaining the underlying thinking that informs our position
• Testing our perspective
• Inquiring into the perspective of others. (pg. 78)

Some sample inquiries might be:

• How do you guys see this situation?
• What is your take on this?
• What is your reaction to what I have just laid out?
• Does what you are hearing sound like the way you want to be perceived as a team?

There is a good chance that some members of your team will be appalled and embarrassed, and you will need to be okay with that. You will also need to be okay with the person who minimizes by getting defensive and claiming that people are too sensitive and should get over themselves.

Once you have gotten some input and allowed your team reflect a little, you will have to make an official request for a change in behavior. You may be able to lean on the company values, if they exist. In our company we have a value we call Kenship (I know, isn’t it adorable?), which is defined as: “We value Ken [Blanchard]’s spirit of compassion, humility, and abundance. Kenship describes a sense of connectedness, a commitment to serve others, and a desire to have fun.” We also have the value Trustworthiness, which is described as: “We do the right thing. We are fair and ethical and do what we say we’re going to do.” Values like these make it easy to call out behaviors that are not aligned and help to keep the conversation objective. If your company doesn’t have stated values, now might be the time to craft a team charter, working together to define team values that will serve to guide everyone’s conduct moving forward. You obviously have a lot going for you already, so this could be a great way to develop the team into something even better.

Trashing everyone outside of the team is a way for the team to build connection; it is a habit the group has formed together. It is also a form of unhealthy entertainment. The key will be to help them shape new, good habits to replace the old bad habits, while continuing to nurture their connection.

What you can’t do is nothing. It is up to you to work with your team to repair the damage that has been done and lead them to become a team whose success is celebrated across the whole organization. It sounds like your team members are all fundamentally good and decent people. Once they see their dysfunctional behaviors reflected back to them, they will probably be willing to change. Lead on!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the operations manager for a large veterinary hospital. It is a fast-moving, extremely busy environment, especially our 24/7 ER. I essentially manage all personnel because the doctors don’t have the time or the inclination.

We have one employee who is a challenge for me. She is a trained vet tech who is going to school to be a full veterinary physician’s assistant. I will call her Kira. She is technically proficient, reliable, and good with our animal patients and their humans. The problem is that she is a super emotional and starts crying at the drop of hat. When she gets harsh feedback about a mistake from one of the doctors, she comes crying to me. When a patient dies, she is a wreck for the rest of the day. I sent her to support a doctor for our Mobile Pet Euthanasia Program and she was a total disaster. She cried harder than the pets’ humans did and ended up being more of a nuisance than a help. I tried to talk to her about this but—you guessed it—she started crying and that was that.

I didn’t grow up with sisters and, generally speaking, don’t have a lot of experience with women. This is the first time I have been faced with this situation in a work environment and I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to be cruel, but I really need Kira to get it together. Any advice would be helpful.

Unsympathetic

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Dear Unsympathetic,

Excellent timing on this query. Just last week I heard through the grapevine that a new employee I happen to know well had been driven to tears in a meeting. I texted her “Congratulations, you don’t have a real job until you’ve cried”—partly in jest, but also (at least for me) partly in truth. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have cried in the bathroom at work or at the airport after a job. Why did I cry? Because I cared so much about doing a great job and somehow missed the mark. The operative concept here is that I cared. Don’t we want employees who care, a lot, about doing a great job? Notice that my personal story uses the past tense. This is mostly because although I still care, I have gotten a lot tougher. It’s one of the advantages of age, I guess.

I have often wondered about the evolutionary purpose of tears because I have been personally betrayed by them more times than I can count. The research is paltry; the need for babies and infants to cry is fairly self-evident. Scientists hypothesize that crying in adults evolved as an emotional expression that signals distress and, in theory, should promote consoling and empathy from others. That seems obvious and not very helpful—especially if the response to tears is annoyance, which is the opposite of the desired response.

Here’s the thing, Unsympathetic. Crying is simply an expression of emotion. That’s all. It doesn’t mean you need to stop the conversation. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say what needs to be said. It is merely evidence that a person is experiencing strong emotion, and some people are more emotional than others. Kira’s tears aren’t going to hurt anyone; they certainly aren’t going to hurt you. My personal theory based on experience is that the more effort I put into not crying, the more shut down and removed I get from the conversation. If I just let ‘er rip, I can stay in the conversation, listen, respond, process what needs to be processed, and move on. If Kira needs to cry to avoid shutting down and becoming an automaton, well, so be it.

What if you were to stop judging the tears and let them be a natural part of who Kira is? Just have a box of tissues handy so you’re ready next time. Have the conversation(s) you need to have, let her cry as much as she needs to, and get on with things. Just notice your own discomfort with her show of emotion, breathe, and stay focused on the matter at hand. You sound like a competent person who cares, so just be patient and kind. The safer Kira feels, the more likely she is to calm down and take the ups and downs of the workday in stride.

Having said all this, the whole becoming-incapacitated-by-the-euthanasia-process is another thing. I guess you will just need to ask Kira if she thinks she can hold it together in the future. To be fair, the first couple of times really are shattering. The last time we had to do it, my husband was a wreck and the Doctor and the tech were both crying with us—so I’m not sure crying isn’t the appropriate response as long as she can still function. She may have to hold off on assisting on those kinds of services for awhile. Our vet has surrounded himself with extremely competent people who care desperately about our dogs, and it makes such a difference to us.

You might gently suggest that Kira Google some techniques for managing one’s emotions at work. There are some good suggestions out there. Or not. She may figure out on her own that she needs to do a little Googling.

Just a little note on gender. I do think that in our Western culture the male of the species has been beaten into submission to never show any emotion other than rage. In fact, it is my theory that any strong emotion in men tends to get expressed as rage, since that is the only socially acceptable form of expression for men. But I know one man who cries all the time. Ken Blanchard jokes that he cries so often, he thinks his bladder must be too close to his eyes. And it hasn’t held him back.

Relax, Unsympathetic. You really do want all of your employees to bring their whole selves to work. While it can be a little messy sometimes, it also means that they’re giving it everything they’ve got. And that’s a good thing.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of very experienced and talented people. One of my people is particularly essential to the work we do and has vast institutional knowledge. A couple of other teams also depend on her.

She is having a really hard time right now. Her father died a few months ago and her mother is bereft and is suffering from dementia. One of her adult children is in some kind of trouble—she doesn’t elaborate—which is taking up a lot of her time. She is often late with her work, flustered, forgetting things, and basically falling apart.

I really think she should take time off to grieve her father, take care of her family, and get a little space for herself. She would need to train another team member in some of her tasks, but I think we could limp along for a little while.

Every time I try to talk to her about it, she gets defensive, blames her errors on others, and acts like I am the enemy, when really all I am trying to do is help. The mistakes she is making are causing our whole team to look bad. What’s worse, I have to double check everything she does to make sure nothing goes out that could cause a problem. I am putting in way too many extra hours because of this and I am getting cranky about it. How can I get her to see that I am on her side, and only have her best interests at heart?

Trying to Help

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Dear Trying to Help,

I have noticed lately that almost everyone I work with, including my own team, is so maxed out that no one can take a vacation, let alone personal time for bereavement or taking care of essential life stuff. In an effort to cut costs and be efficient there is simply no wiggle room anymore. It strikes me as nutty that there is no cross training and no backup. It is a recipe for burnout and is simply not sustainable.

I know when my mother died, I was walking into walls and making bad decisions. I messed up two very important client meetings—to this day I’m not quite sure what I did wrong, but the clients weren’t happy. I had the luxury of being able to pull away from client facing work until I felt more like myself. Your employee is clearly strung out. And you’re right, she needs to take a step back and take some time.

You are the boss and you’re correct that it’s your job to have her back and point out the realities, as unpleasant as they may be. In short, you have to tell her what’s what. If it comes down to it, you may need to give her a list of the problems she has created—not in a mean way, of course, just the brutal facts—including the extra time you are putting in to cover for her. Get help from HR for language, contact info for your employee assistance program, and any other support that might be available to her.

Nobody wins if she ends up with a serious health problem or quits in a moment of desperation. Be sure to tell her she is deeply valued and you have only her best interests at heart. And tell her she is not allowed to get mad at you for simply trying to help.

You might also see what parts of her job can be temporarily put on hold or reassigned to others, even if you have to hire a temp for awhile. For the long term, it might be time to revisit the job design for each role on your team and plan some cross training so that you aren’t so dependent on one person. Years ago, we had a brilliant office manager and we used to joke that we would all be in big trouble if she ever got hit by a truck. It was all in good fun until her minivan actually did get hit by a truck and we were, in fact, in big trouble. (She was fine in the end, but it took a long time.) It took months of scrambling to get her systems figured out and get back on an even keel. I won’t make that mistake again—and I don’t joke anymore about people getting hit by trucks.

It’s great to take our work seriously, and we certainly want employees to care about their jobs. But there are whole lives to consider. Living in a constant state of panic serves no one in the end; it can easily become a habit and is almost impossible to see in ourselves.

Your employee needs you to stand up for her since she clearly has lost the ability to do it for herself. It will take some courage on your part, but you are capable and can rise to the occasion. She may or may not thank you in the end, and that’s fine. It’s your job and you’ll know you did the right thing.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was promoted to VP of sales a few months before the pandemic hit. I feel like I have been in an industrial washing machine ever since, and am just starting to come up for air. There was a lot of training at the beginning but then our entire book of business and go-to-market strategies shifted. It has been mayhem, but things are starting to settle now.

I have an amazing team. I physically moved in order to take over a new region, so all of my people are relatively new colleagues, which is nice. About two years ago, our company changed CRM (Customer Relationship Management) systems. [Note: This is the system that sales leaders and marketing use to gain visibility into prospects, contact info, opportunities/pipeline, forecasting, account plans, competitive intelligence, etc.]

The new system is fine; not any worse or better than the old one. My people have figured out how to make it work for them and comply with requirements. But there are exceptions.

One sales rep, who creates amazing relationships with his customers and crushes his quota, cannot for the life of him get his info into the system. It’s great when he suddenly brings in huge projects, but then there is a scramble to deliver on the contract. Then there’s another rep who puts everything into the system beautifully but can’t seem to get anything done other than that—and she certainly can’t close.

My boss is giving me a hard time about both of them, but very little guidance on how to get them to where they need to be. Thoughts?

CRM Conundrum

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear CRM Conundrum,

I consulted our sales leaders here at Blanchard because I thought these may be common issues that they might have some good experience with. Judd Hoekstra and Sarah Caverhill both weighed in, so I credit them for a lot of this response.

I see 3 different issues in your letter.

1. One rep who crushes the numbers but won’t comply with keeping his data current in the CRM, which causes problems for you as a boss and for others downstream.
2. One rep who is very good at CRM management but doesn’t seem to know how to actually sell.
3. A boss who isn’t very helpful.

Today let’s deal with your sales genius who can’t/won’t comply, I will do a Part 2 later to address the other two issues.

There is an old New Yorker Cartoon of a guy in his underwear, smoking a cigarette and holding a martini at the water cooler, who says to another guy, “When you’re nailing the numbers, they don’t ask questions.” I bought a print and gave to our (then) VP of sales, but he didn’t think it was as funny as I did. I guess I have a really sick sense of humor. And until the advent of the now universally used CRM, I think it was kind of true that when sales reps would hit their goals, nobody much cared about how they did it or anything else. Your sales wiz is probably a bit of a holdover from those days. There is a progression to think through on this:

Get Clear About Development Level: What is your sales rep’s development level on using the CRM? In the language of our SLII® Model, development level is a combination of competence and commitment. There is a good chance that your rep hasn’t taken the time to get good at using the CRM because he doesn’t think he has to. The personality profile of people who are terrific at initiating and building terrific relationships that inspire buyers to commit usually does not include attention to detail and compliance with what they might consider to be annoying rules. And in today’s hypercompetitive job landscape, we are asking employees to be good at many skills. Being good at just one aspect of a job is no longer enough. So let’s be clear that you are asking a chicken to climb a tree or a squirrel to lay an egg—it won’t be natural or easy.

Gain Commitment: You are going to have to work with this rep on his willingness to commit to learning, getting good at, and using the CRM. First gain commitment, then get him the instruction and support that he will need to get skilled. How to do this? Explain how important the data is, why the organization requires it, and why you need it. Then set up small, reasonable milestones to get him where he needs to be. Sarah Caverhill shared an experience she had with a rep who refused to use our new CRM:

“I told her I understood she didn’t want to do it and asked her what was getting in her way. We identified a few things like ‘I get too busy in my day to do it’ and ‘I hate it—it’s drudgery.’ I explained that we need the data to run and grow our business. (Garbage in, garbage out—you want us to provide more resources? Then you need to do your part to help us see what’s coming down the pike. You want better project manager performance? Then you need to prepare your PMs with better info. And so forth.) I asked her if she understood the importance and she said she did. I then asked her what she could do to remove the things that were getting in her way and adjust her motivational outlook. We came up with several ideas. Eventually, she settled on one idea, which was to allocate 15 minutes each morning to updating the CRM before she started work. From that time on—and we’re talking years—I never had an issue with her opps being out of date. Sometimes the information was sort of a guess, but it was reliably input and often more accurate than I had expected.”

Be Fierce with Accountability and Enforce Consequences: If your sales rep simply refuses, you have a whole other problem. It sounds like he has gotten away with noncompliance thus far and is pretty sure that if he just ignores the situation, it will go away. If that is the case, you will have to discuss it with your boss and make a decision. There is probably a historical precedent in your organization that high performers can do whatever they want (in sales, especially, this is epidemic). So you need to choose to either perpetuate that culture or shift it—now. If you choose to perpetuate it, you will agree to let your rep not comply. Be aware that this will create issues of fairness if it hasn’t already: why do some people get away with bad behavior while others do not? All humans are hypersensitive to issues of fairness and will resent you for any preferential treatment you offer to anyone. On the flip side, you will have to come up with consequences for noncompliance, for which you are willing to hold both yourself and him accountable. This sets you up to be the compliance police, jury, judge, and parole officer, which will be a massive bummer—but that’s why managers make the big bucks. Hopefully, it won’t come to that.

Any system of requirements/consequences for noncompliance will work as long as you commit to it and take action according to plan. The final result could very well be that your rep will lose his job. This is why you need your boss to have your back. And, of course, it would hurt you to lose his numbers, so you will need to figure out how to cover your loss.

Judd Hoekstra says: “This is probably one of the more draining aspects of the sales leader role, because it’s ongoing unless there is alignment on tough consequences (like losing your job) for noncompliance.”

I will cover the other two issues next week, because this answer is already too long. I will float one more idea, though: Would it make sense to pair your sales rock star with your data tracking rock star? Pair a chicken with a squirrel? Have one show the other how it’s done? Is anyone else thinking that could be a good idea? Of course, then you would have a potentially fraught compensation formula to calculate.

Isn’t sales leadership fun? I admire all of you, honestly—I couldn’t take the heat.

More next week.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior VP in a global energy company and recently had an opportunity to give a webinar presentation to the entire company. I got a lot of great feedback, which was nice, but one person wrote in the chat that my “privilege was showing.”

What the heck? My family is from Pakistan. I was born there but we moved to the UK when I was a baby. I am definitely BIPOC, but had a talent for maths and ended up getting lucky with substantial scholarships to get advanced degrees in maths and engineering.

To be fair, I have been very focused on work and not much on current affairs—but seriously, what am I supposed to do with that feedback?

Am I Privileged?

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Dear Am I Privileged?,

Yes. You are. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I think you do with that feedback the same thing you would do with any kind of feedback:

• Pay attention to it
• Consider it carefully
• Ask yourself: “What if this were true? What would that mean?”
• Ask yourself: “Is there anything I can learn from this? Is there something I might do differently that will help me be more effective at achieving my goals?”

Feedback says more about the person giving it than it does about the person getting it. So what was said about you and your privilege is simply data that you are perceived by some people in your organization as a person who has privilege. The questions are: So what? What is important about that? Why is it important? Is it important enough for you to do something about it?

In the end, it all depends on your point of view about leadership and your goals. If you want to continue to develop as a leader in your company, you’ll want to be someone whom others choose to follow, so there might be some value in understanding the current thinking about privilege. It just so happens that I have been doing a lot of reading, listening, and thinking on the topic myself, so I can share some of what I have learned that might be useful.

Given your background, you may be extremely aware of the disadvantages you have overcome and obstacles you have faced. But because of your gifts, there are some you haven’t had to deal with. The current thinking about privilege holds that lacking privilege in one area doesn’t mean you don’t benefit from having privilege in others. The concept of privilege is not limited to race; it extends to all aspects of being a human trying to compete on what is anything but a level playing field.

Any way you might, by sheer accident of fate, be part of a majority is a form of privilege. Consider the following:

• Are you a citizen of the country you live in?
• Do you speak fluently the predominant language of the country you live or work in?
• Are you male in an area of expertise that is predominately male?
• Are you male in an industry that is predominately male?
• Are you heterosexual?
• Are you married in a society that values traditional relationships?
• Is your spiritual practice or religious affiliation understood and/or relatively accepted as a norm in your community?
• Do you have reasonably well-rounded intelligence; are you able to navigate human communication without exceptional effort?
• Do you have ample, affordable access to technology/internet?
• Can you see and hear without needing extraordinary help?
• Are you able bodied?
• Are you reasonably attractive?
• Are you taller than most people or at least of average height?
• Do you own a car, have a walkable/bikeable commute, or have access to speedy, affordable, efficient transportation?
• Are you neither exceptionally young nor old for your station in life and position at work?

Further, any special gifts you may have are a form of privilege:

• Do you have above average intelligence?
• Do you enjoy mental and emotional stability?
• Are you endowed with natural goal orientation, drive to achieve, or ambition?
• Do you hold an advanced degree and have access to ongoing education?
• Can you avail yourself of relationships with powerful, influential people in your organization or community?
• Do you have access to mentors and advocates in your organization or community?
• Are you exceptionally gifted with language or math?
• Are you artistic or able to express yourself with unusual creativity?

When you look at it through the lens of these questions, you may see your own privilege the way some others do.

At this point in how we seem to be evolving as humans, I think the key is simply awareness. You clearly understand that you have been lucky—but that doesn’t mean you haven’t worked hard to get where you are.

It takes some thought to balance showing up as your real, authentic self while being sensitive to the realities that others struggle with. Maybe you don’t need to do anything. Maybe you can pinpoint what it is you said or did that struck a nerve and make a choice to not say or do it again. Maybe not. You can’t please everyone, all of the time.

In the meantime, by all means, enjoy your privilege. Don’t waste your time feeling guilty about it—that won’t help anyone. But neither will pretending you don’t have any. Just be grateful for your luck and your gifts, and work hard to use them to make the world around you a better place for everyone.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a team lead in the R&D department of a pharmaceutical company. We are all scientists and engineers and the work is interesting and fun. I really like managing my team and they seem to be happy with me.

My problem is that my new boss is just awful. We loved our former boss; he was kind and smart and took us to new levels of creativity and problem solving. The new guy—we all call him the “Ice King”—came in from the outside and doesn’t seem to care about any of us. He is cold and mean.

I dread being in meetings with him. He walks in right on time and hands out the agenda, which he sends in advance with clear instructions about who should prepare what. He never smiles, never laughs. When he is okay with something, he just nods his head with a frown on his face. If he disagrees or, God forbid, catches an error, he looks thunderous and says, “That’s incorrect, fix that.”

Most managers I have worked with have one-on-one meetings with their people. I do them with my team, but honestly, my boss is so off-putting that I am grateful he doesn’t have them with me. I dread the performance review I have coming up in a few months.

How can we get him to lighten up and be nicer?

Scared of My Boss

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Dear Scared of My Boss,

You can’t. Okay, you could try, but it probably isn’t worth your time and energy. You can’t really fix people. People can change—but in my experience, it is rare, and they need a really compelling reason.

You will have a much better result if you put your attention on changing yourself.

Here is the thing, Scared—you are taking your boss’s behavior personally when, in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You miss your former warm and fuzzy boss. I get that. And I am sorry for your loss. But your new boss just sounds like a personality that is way down on the “introverted and analytical” end of the continuum. IT. ISN’T. PERSONAL.

So what would happen for you if you told yourself that the Ice King is super analytical, is only interested in accuracy and facts, has zero people skills, and is probably mystified by all of his direct reports who are wanting him to be something he is not?

It doesn’t actually sound like there’s anything to be afraid of except maybe showing up with anything but impeccable work. And even then, it sounds like he will simply point out your mistakes so you can fix them. Ice King is at least offering you clarity, consistency, and certainty. Those are good things.

The minute you stop wishing Ice King would be different, just accept that he is the way he is, and let that be okay and not about you, you will feel a lot better. At least you know where you stand with people like this. Just the facts, ma’am. No politics, no hidden agendas; just get the work done, accurately, on time and under budget.

Prepare diligently for your performance review. Make sure it is well thought through, comprehensive, and above all, correct. You will be fine. Once you stop judging him, he might just surprise you.

You clearly prefer a warm and fun, collegial atmosphere. Fine, you can nurture those things within the culture of your team. They aren’t important to your new boss, and that’s okay. There’s a big difference between a real problem and something you don’t like. This is only a problem if you decide to let it be one.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

It has recently become apparent that one of my newer direct reports is lying. In one instance, he told me a presentation was proofed and ready to go and I found out it wasn’t when I went into the document on our shared drive to make a change. In another instance, I learned from a colleague that he had claimed to her team that we were further along with a deliverable than we actually were. And there have been other, less impactful, little red flags.

The crazy thing is that the lies are so easy to uncover—especially the shared drive documents where anyone can see the last time he was in the document. When I confronted him, he claimed he had completed the deck but the changes weren’t saved. We are a technology company so claiming technical failure can work when a whole system crashes, but this is just bald-faced lying—on top of unforgivable technical ignorance. It is one thing to be caught and apologize, which is what I would expect, but now it is adding insult to injury.

I am very clear about my expectations when new people join my team, but it never occurred to me to tell people they are not allowed to lie. I am so mad that I’m having a hard time thinking straight about this. I don’t know what to do. What do you think?

Liar Liar

Dear Liar Liar,

My first thought is no. Nope. No, no, no, no. Zero tolerance for lying. Then I thought about it some more, and guess what? Still no.

It is true—you wouldn’t think you’d need to tell people they can’t lie. But then something like this happens and you realize that what is obvious to you just is not obvious to everyone. It is fair to say that all implicit expectations need to be made explicit. That way, when someone does something you simply don’t anticipate, you have your explicit expectations to fall back on. Black and white. No grey area, no confusion, no discussion.

Potential expectations and grounds for dismissal might be:

1. No lying
2. No cheating
3. No stealing
4. No drinking on the job
5. No showing up to work in a bikini top
6. No showing up to in-person client presentations in bare feet
7. Do not bring your dog to a client meeting
8. No smoking in the restrooms

Numbers 5-8 are examples of expectations I wouldn’t have thought I needed to set. I’m not that creative. Just when I think I can no longer be surprised by human beings, I am surprised!

Now, there are the little fibs that many people tell to boost their egos, hide a minor infraction, or just entertain themselves. The thing is, if it doesn’t interfere with work or create static in the system, you probably don’t even notice it. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

You sound like a sensible person. You must have hired this man for a reason—presumably, you thought he was going to bring something worthwhile to the table. You may be considering the high cost of hiring, onboarding, and training someone new. In case you’re motivated to try to salvage this employee, and if you think this could help, you might share our extraordinary Trust Model with him. This model does what all truly brilliant models do: it clarifies and simplifies a deeply layered and complex issue. You might even share this step by step guide to rebuilding trust with him. It can be helpful for people who need to break lifelong trust-busting habits.

Or you may just be fed up enough to not want to take the time. It’s up to you.

Before you go firing anyone, though, I suggest you get HR involved and start documenting. Call out the behavior every time you see it and make a note of exactly what happens. Work with your HR person to decide in advance how many (more) chances you will give Pants on Fire. People lie for all kinds of complicated reasons, many of which would evoke your compassion. So you don’t have to be mean about it, but you must refuse to tolerate it.

Prior to his final chance, you can literally say “lying will not be tolerated.” If you feel like you just don’t have the heart, I can recommend the work of Dr. Henry Cloud, an authority on setting boundaries. His book to check out is Boundaries for Leaders.

Don’t get mad. That just hurts you. Stay calm, point out the lies, and your liar will either clean up his act or lie his way out of a job.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the EVP of sales for a global professional services and SAS company. As you can imagine, we are reeling from the pandemic and the economic train wreck that seems to be coming at us. In the midst of this chaos, I have a long-tenured sales professional—let’s call her G—who is running amok. For many years, G has exceeded huge sales goals; therefore, she has a huge base salary. But for the past five years or so, G has fallen way short of goal.

About 18 months ago, her manager worked with G to recalibrate her goals and she agreed to all the points. She has achieved almost none of what was decided. Instead, she has been focusing on customers outside of her regional mandate. She has also put far too much time into developing strategic partnerships that are not useful to the organization. There are other problems I won’t get into.

The executive team agrees that G is a valuable employee and is willing to get her an executive coach. How would you recommend we go about it? We have provided coaching in the past without seeing quite the results we wanted. How can we ensure that the exorbitant expense will be worthwhile?

Need a Fix!

Dear Need a Fix,

I am so glad you asked. We have a lot of experience with this kind of thing. With clients, we call this Turnaround or Targeted coaching—but internally (don’t tell anyone) we call it Problem Child coaching. Even though our business is designed to offer coaching on a large scale, most clients who request this kind of thing want just one person coached. They want to fix someone who has been valuable but who has run into trouble. This used to be the definition of coaching: bringing in an outside professional to fix people. It was usually kicked off with assessments, which in my opinion do have their place in development but can’t be a substitute for a boss who is too spineless to tell it like it is.

Coaching has since evolved to be an invaluable tool for high performers and high potential employees who need to speed up their development. It almost always adds value and delivers exceptional results. We still do turnaround work, but we charge a lot because it is dangerous: it is time consuming and rarely yields the desired result. We really try to avoid selling expensive approaches that may very well not work—because, frankly, it’s bad for business. But when clients insist, we go in with eyes wide open and we are very upfront about the hazards.

At the risk of offending you, we would probably suggest you get a little coaching yourself to see if you can make the needed impact without the expense and potential insult of essentially forcing a coach on G. Ask yourself:

• What part have I played in this situation? What might I have done differently?
• How did I let this go on for so long? What kept me from setting proper boundaries and making direct requests?
• Are there any other situations where I might be doing this right now?
• How might I nip this kind of thing in the bud in the future?
• What changed for G—one minute she was a rock star and then she wasn’t? Did the market change? The company processes? Did she have some kind of personal problem she wasn’t able to recover from?
• Did G lose a key personal motivator? The science of motivation has taught us that we need the right mix in the areas of autonomy, relatedness, and competence. Was G suddenly tasked with learning a new software she just couldn’t master? Did she lose her best friend at work? Did she get a new boss who started breathing down her neck and micromanaging in such a way that put her on tilt?
• Am I willing to have a brutally honest conversation with G in which I just ask the questions and listen deeply to her answers?

In any event, working with a coach yourself will not be wasted time or effort.

Now, back to the problem of G. Why is Turnaround coaching such a rocky road? So many reasons.

Lack of clarity: We are often asked to have the coach give the client—in this case, G—feedback they have never heard before. Managers—in this case you—are often convinced that feedback and requests have been shared and clarified, but that is rarely the case. You may have said things clearly, but you would be surprised at how easy it is for some people to tune out what they don’t want to hear. What you think sounds like a request might have sounded like a suggestion to G. Your observations about unacceptable behaviors might have been mistaken for input rather than clear requests. Many managers are so worried about damaging the relationship that critical requests can easily end up soft-pedaled and unclear. So for the coaching to make a real difference, you must be prepared to give G crystal clear feedback on what she is doing or not doing that is not working, with crystal clear examples of what would be acceptable. Ask G to repeat it all back to you. Then have her put it in writing.

Lack of measurement: Often the boss is unable to identify desired results that are measurable. They claim they “will know success when they see it.” This is a madly waving red warning flag for us! The results we are looking for must be black and white. Either something is done correctly or it’s not. There can’t be any room for subjective opinions. We like to suggest an “always/never” list. Always do this. Never do that. It lends some real grit to the task at hand.

Lack of consequences for noncompliance: Change is hard. Most people need to truly understand the rationale behind the desired change—and even when they do, they need to feel the discomfort or even the pain of not changing. The neuroscience of goal achievement tells us that we are likely to take actions to avoid pain. The negative consequence for G not making the desired changes needs to be real—and dire. Demotion or actual termination is what I am talking about here. And it can’t be just a threat. You must be ready to do it.

Do you hate me yet? I kind of do. Did I say this was hazardous? Yes, I did.

It is hard to change perception: People tend to commit to their opinion of those who annoy them. Even if G does make significant changes, it might be hard for those around her to see and acknowledge the changes. It is very difficult to change stakeholders’ impressions, even in the face of direct evidence. So if you need to see changes in the way G works with others in the organization, she is going to have to discuss her coaching with each person and ask them for help—not only constant feedback when she reverts to old behaviors, but also a chance to shift on the fly. G is going to need to involve others in her quest to improve. This takes an awful lot of courage. She may or may not have it.

Sometimes it’s the fit: There is always a good chance that G is simply in the wrong job or the wrong organization. Maybe there have been so many changes around G that it will never be right. Some clients really should consider that what they need to be successful is a different environment. You need to be prepared for the possibility that the safe environment and soul searching she finds in coaching may result in her choosing to leave the organization. Sometimes this actually the best-case scenario.

Some people are not willing or able to change: There are many potential reasons why G is underperforming. Maybe she is trying to get back at someone. Maybe she has serious personal problems. Speculation is a waste of time, but the truth is that maybe G either isn’t willing to step up and do the work or just can’t. The coach will know within the first three months if G is committed—and G needs to know that the coach will have that conversation with her. Good coaches know when they are being “yessed.” The coach, in all good conscience, should end the coaching if that happens.
Nobody wants to think they need to be fixed: Do you? I sure don’t. So the whole thing needs to be set up carefully and G needs to know you have her best interests and her career success at heart.

Need a Fix, you might want to start by having a bona fide heart-to-heart with G. You may be able to avoid the whole coaching thing this way, especially considering you’ve already tried it. Maybe if G feels safe enough to explore what is true for her, you can reach some kind of resolution. It is worth a try.

Good luck—this is a tough one.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Most people will agree that ongoing professional growth and development is important. That said, most people also know it can be quite challenging to establish new skills and behaviors. Competing priorities make it hard to focus, motivation comes in fits and starts, and there just never seems to be enough time.

There is a great way to improve your chances of working on your development—and that’s to enlist an accountability partner. What is an accountability partner? It is a neutral and supportive person who helps you stay on track with your development.

Time and again, it’s been shown that people are more successful when accountability measures are built into any self-development program. We just do better when we have support. An accountability partner can make the difference between someone who succeeds in their development and someone who loses focus.

So what could you achieve with an accountability partner in your corner? It could help you:

• Figure out what and who you want to be when you grow up. So many people are not fulfilled professionally and really have no idea what professional fulfillment might look like for them. An accountability partner can help you determine what makes you tick. Why is this important? Someone once said “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” But in order to choose a job you love, you first need to figure out what you are all about and what that job would look like.

You and your accountability partner can come up with questions to answer for clarification about who you are and what you want—such as What do I value? What matters to me? What’s interesting to me? What motivates me? What’s important to me professionally? It’s surprising how rarely people ask themselves these kinds of questions. Many seem to think they aren’t worthy of finding a job that honors their values or is interesting. An accountability partner can help them see not only that they are worthy, but that answering these questions can be integral to their well-being, given that work is such a huge part of life.

• Expand your options. When left to our own devices, most of us tend to see ourselves in a very limited manner. In other words, we aren’t very good at seeing our lives from multiple perspectives. We might think “I can’t figure out what I want professionally, I’m too busy making a living,” or “Who am I to think that I can do what I love?” An accountability partner probably won’t have those same limiting beliefs about you. They can get you to suspend reality for a time and dream dreams that may be big, but are also obtainable with some elbow grease. Often when brainstorming with others, we come up with ideas that may seem crazy but are actually seeds of brilliance. I can’t tell you the number of times someone has told me their professional dream and then immediately said it was unattainable—whereas from my perspective, their goal was not at all farfetched; it was, in fact, quite doable.

• Figure out where you go from here. Let’s say you did find answers to the questions above, and you suspended your self doubt at least for the time being. Now what? How does one make their hopes and dreams actionable? On your own, it can be challenging to figure out a course of action. But brainstorming potential actions with someone else can often spark big ideas you might not even have considered by yourself.

• Recognize accomplishments along the way. We often don’t recognize our own incremental changes—when we make progress and close the gap between where we are and where we want to be. But someone else can see our progress more clearly, help us recognize it, and keep us moving forward.

• Keep going when the going gets tough. Having a cheerleader is a very powerful thing—especially if it’s someone who will encourage you to take risks and do things that are uncomfortable. We’re much more likely to challenge ourselves when we have someone watching from the sidelines. Sometimes we will stumble, but we tend to get up much quicker when there’s somebody saying “Come on, keep trying—I believe in you.”

So where do you find an accountability partner? It could be your boss, a coworker, or a friend—or you could enlist the help of a professional business coach whose stock and trade is being an accountability partner. Many people have experienced how a professional coach has helped them by leaps and bounds.

Where you find your accountability partner doesn’t matter as much as getting someone in your corner to maximize results for you—or maybe your direct reports. You don’t have to go it alone!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a manager for many years. I came up through the ranks and have been steadily promoted because of my technical and analytical skills—also, because I am almost always right. I try not to be a jerk about it, but it is the truth.

I recently had a performance review with my new boss, who has been here for only about nine months. He told me I am doing pretty well on my goals, but that my people seem demoralized and beaten down. Apparently, there have been complaints that I am “mean.”

I am offended. I make sure everything that comes out of our department is top notch and I always thought I was a good manager.

My boss told me I had to be “nicer.” He also wants me to find ways to promote the good work my team is doing to the larger organization. I said I was willing to try, but I have no idea how to do those things. I thought he would help me, but all I got was a blank look.

Help?

Big Meanie

Dear Big Meanie,

Wow. It’s hard to hear that kind of feedback. It sounds like this is the first time you have been made aware of how you are perceived—and you have never received management training—so really, this is not your fault. I encourage you not to take it personally.

I appreciate your willingness to reflect on your boss’s advice, take it to heart, and make an effort to improve. That itself is a win right out of the gate.

I do take issue with the use of the word “nicer,” which is hard to define. I would submit that you might consider simply being more kind. This means:

• Remember, people who aren’t like you have feelings that can be easily hurt. It’s not that you don’t have feelings, it’s just that you don’t consider them relevant.

• Stop to think before you speak—put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

• Remember to praise good work instead of taking it for granted as a requirement for the job.

• Critique in private—and be sure to critique the error or behavior, not the character of the offender.

• Give people the benefit of the doubt if they have shown evidence of best intent. No one is trying to screw up, generally speaking.

I have a couple of other ideas for you.

• Ask your manager if there is anyone in the organization who has a reputation for building team morale and who is good at building PR for their team. Or perhaps you know someone—a former boss, perhaps—who would be good at this. Go to this person and ask them to mentor you in these two areas.

• Ask your manager or your HR/Learning department if any training is available that could help you build the requested competencies. They might have something for you.

• A lot of research has been done on psychological safety in the workplace. Do your own reading on how leaders can establish a safe place for their own teams. There are certain behaviors you can probably implement immediately that won’t require you to change your fundamental personality.

Talk to each of your direct reports in private. Ask what you do that makes them feel bad, and how you might change to make them feel more supported and appreciated. Most people just want to know that their manager has their back, so find out from each person what that looks like to them. Reflect on what you can and can’t do, and don’t make promises you can’t keep other than “I will try to do better.” This will be a good start toward helping you build the best way to lead each individual on the team.

There are some tactics you might consider when it comes to sharing your team’s good work with the larger organization. I would say the first step is identifying which peers need to be more aware, and developing relationships with them. You can get more detail on that here. Many analytical people can see this as a waste of time; however, it is critical to your success because the higher you go, the more important strong relationships are.

(Well, actually, relationships are critical at all stages in your career, but this is just now becoming a potential derailer for you.)

Let’s not forget that you do bring tremendous value to the organization. As a leader in a business myself, I can attest to how much organizations depend on people who value accuracy and get things right. Your considerable intelligence and analytical skills will serve you well in your quest to be a better manager.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have an amazing team except for one person. I’ve provided ample opportunities for this person to step up and she just isn’t picking up on them. I can’t tell what is going on. She seems bright enough. She can work hard—I’ve seen it—so I don’t think it is laziness.

Also, I’m about to hire a few more people and am wondering how to avoid hiring someone like her.

Exasperated

Dear Exasperated,

I have always said that a manager must not be more interested in an employee’s development than the employee is. And that may be the case here—but let’s check it out first.

The first order of business is to have a conversation with your person in which you explain your point of view. This is going to require you to be direct but kind. It is entirely possible that she hasn’t picked up on opportunities because she was waiting for explicit direction from you. Not everyone picks up on cues, especially if they are implied versus direct.

Be more directive and provide more touchpoints regarding her professional growth. The key here is for you to properly communicate and partner with your employee so that you understand her hopes and dreams and can allow her to drive her own development. Give this a serious try for at least a couple of months. You might feel as if you are micromanaging, but in some cases that’s what people need.

What if, after you have tried this approach, your employee still doesn’t show any ambition? One option may be to change her title to technical specialist or something similar and just stop worrying about her career path. Lots of organizations are filled with people who are perfectly happy to stay right in their lane without much growth or change—but in some organizations, the trajectory is “up or out.” If you know you’ve really given it a shot, and it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards, then you can decide what to do about it.

Now about your prospective hires. It sounds like you are looking for some key traits in your candidates. Research supports the idea that job seekers with the following four attributes are predicted to have significantly higher levels of success in any new job.

1. Work attitude
2. A sense of accountability
3. Prior related job success
4. Culture fit

Work attitude can be described as a positive disposition or attitude toward work that persists across employment experiences. Candidates who demonstrate high degrees of work attitude:

• will go out of their way to describe negative experiences in the positive,
• find it hard to describe negative situations without sharing how the situation made them stronger, and
• have a deep need to work hard and produce results that make them proud.

A sense of accountability means the extent to which a person believes they have control over their own outcomes—also called locus of control. Candidates who demonstrate a high sense of accountability:

• are 40% more likely to succeed in any role,
• believe in themselves, and
• will stand up under pressure and refuse to play the victim.

Prior related job success—the degree to which the candidate has met formal goals in past jobs that are similar to the job at hand. This is, of course, the most obvious factor and the one hiring managers pay the most attention to. It is important, but not the only important thing.

• Candidates who have achieved success in prior jobs, athletics, academics, or other meaningful pursuits are significantly more likely to succeed.
• Both success and failure become habits throughout a career.

Culture fit is the degree to which the candidate shares similar values with the organization and demonstrates an authentic interest in the job at hand. In this case, you clearly are creating the culture in your group and you need to hire people who will fit your standards for ambition and desire to develop.

• Effective hiring processes attract candidates who have similar values and repel candidates who do not.
• It is imperative for interviews and testing in the hiring process to identify honest, hardworking, and positive candidates.

You are going to want to do behavioral interviewing to find out an applicant’s history and assess for these four traits. For an in-depth guide on behavioral interviewing, look here.

Ideally, you have HR professionals who can help you with this. If not, you will be on your own to do your own crash course in hiring! In my experience, hiring is 90% of the battle when it comes to getting the right people in the right jobs. Everything else is tweaking the details.

Good luck on both challenges!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team at a small non-profit. One of my newer team members is constantly managing up to me (her manager) and others who have been in their jobs a lot longer than she has. She often tells me what she thinks I should be doing and gives me lists of things she needs from me. In the meantime, she isn’t getting her work finished.

She constantly asks for help from others to avoid doing the work herself. Her approach is annoying the team and is disrupting the vibes of our small office. Our team used to run smoothly, but this new dynamic is making everyone prickly.

Thoughts?

Annoyed

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Annoyed,

You have to nip this in the bud right now. You simply can’t allow it. Just tell her to cut it out. It would be one thing if Bossy Pants were smarter and more experienced than everyone else in the office, and if she were also crushing her own workload. But she is not. She has not earned the right to give anyone feedback or to manage up.

First, you must address the fact that she is not getting her own work done. Go over her list of tasks. Make sure she knows exactly what is expected of her and has everything she needs to complete all of her work herself. Then tell her what you expect her to complete, by when, and tell her she is not allowed to push tasks onto anyone else in the office.

Next, you have to tackle this idea she seems to have that it is her job to give others feedback. You don’t have to be mean about it, but you must say something soon. Just go right at it—be straight up direct.

“In this office, it is my job, not yours, to make sure people know what is expected of them and to give feedback. You must stop telling me and others what you think we should be doing. If anyone wants your input on how or what they are doing, they will ask you for it. Until then, please keep your opinions to yourself.”

You can tell her she can earn the right to give feedback by doing a stellar job with her own work—but even then, she should offer it only when asked. You don’t need to belabor this. Be prepared to repeat yourself, but don’t fall into the trap of explaining.

If you don’t say something soon, someone else will—and I wouldn’t blame them if they weren’t nice about it. Then you will have a whole different situation on your hands.

Bossy Pants may get really upset. She probably behaves the way she does because no one has ever told her she can’t. It’s okay. She needs a reality check, and the only one who can really give her one is the boss. She may even thank you someday. Or she may quit—in which case your whole office will thank you.

You are the boss. Put the hand up and stop this nonsense. Stay calm, cool and collected. Be kind and firm. The whole office is depending on you.

You can do it.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I supervise a number of educational professionals who are required to report to a team (including parents) regarding their evaluation. A recent hire, with more than 25 years’ experience in the field, uses phrases such as “um” and “you know” excessively when giving his evaluation results to the team. At a recent meeting, I counted over 45 such instances in 3 minutes. I find it very distracting and feel it does not reflect well on our department.

What do you recommend that I do? He was hired by my boss, so I hesitate to say anything.

Distracted

Dear Distracted,

Oh dear. My daughter and I once attended a college orientation and the admissions staff member who spoke to our tour group had the same problem. My daughter and I exchanged glances and both started counting (a brief search on Google reveals this as the most common response) while suppressing our giggles.

The woman’s presentation was 30 minutes long and by the end of it we were barely able to contain ourselves. We didn’t hear a word she said. We were both mystified that no one had told her about the problem, given that she was the face of the institution to prospective students. I can only speculate that her boss didn’t care.

But you do care—so say something you must. It is distracting and it does reflect poorly on your department—but maybe even more to the point, on your new hire himself. I don’t think it matters that he was hired directly by your boss; your job is to make sure he is successful. And if you don’t help him to be more polished and professional, you are failing both of them.
Here’s the thing: it’s a habit, not a character flaw. It’s a small, common habit, born from a deep discomfort with silence, that has turned into a monster. And there is something your employee can do about it.

The first step is self-awareness. You have to call it out and ask him to notice it as he goes about his business. The next step is for him to decide to do something about it and practice another way.

How to go about this? Directly. Be kind and be brief. Here is an outline of what you might say. Practice out loud and find your own language—this is simply a suggestion.

The Self Awareness Piece:

“Hi Dan. I want to help you be as successful as possible and to leverage your wealth of experience and expertise. I need to share an observation and make a request of you. When you do your evaluations, you use filler words excessively. I think it detracts from your credibility and excellent work. My request is that you pay attention to this during your next presentation. After that, we can discuss it further.”

Do not ask for his opinion on this. You’ll have the urge to say “Have you noticed?” or something like that. If so, you will be doing a version of what he does—substituting filler because you are uncomfortable with silence. Don’t do it.

The What to Do About It Conversation:

“Hi. Did you notice? Good. Are you willing to do something about it? Great!”
I did a little research on this (it’s such a common problem that there is a ton of help out there) and I found a short, easy video that I think might really help. Watch the video together and offer to have him practice with you. (Note: Notice your own filler words and work on them as well.) Many people start every sentence with “So…” My husband drops in “it’s so interesting” where it doesn’t belong. He has to pay attention, still, after 25 years of public speaking. Your employee is not alone! Be his partner as he goes through the discomfort of changing his habit. He will get there with your support—and your boss never has to know.

I guess there is a chance he might disagree with you that his habit is a problem and decline to make any changes. Then you have a bigger problem, one that will require a hard conversation. If he won’t change, at least you’ll know you’ve done your best. If you really think his performance is lowering the quality of your service, at that point you will have no choice but to escalate to your boss.

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I run a very lean team and one of my people is a hypochondriac. Every week there is a new reason he needs to go to the doctor. Any cold that comes through he gets, and it is worse for him than for anybody else. He gets the flu every year. It is always something with him—he is tired, he is on some new medication that makes him have brain fog—he always has a health excuse for why he is a little behind or doing a little less than the others. He uses all of his PTO for medical situations but there is never anything visibly wrong. He has never brought in a doctor’s note, although I have asked.

I am sick of it. I recently saw a team member roll her eyes in a meeting when he was looking the other way, so I know I am not alone. We are all bored with his excuses.

I feel bad and worry that I am being a judgmental jerk because I am hardy and rarely get sick. What if he really is sick all the time? What do you say?

Sick and Tired of Sick and Tired

Dear Sick and Tired,

I hear you. It is much harder to empathize with constant health challenges when you are gifted with glowing good health and strong stamina. You are only a jerk if you act on your opinions and are mean or cruel.

A rule of thumb you might consider is that you have to be able to trust your people and give them the benefit of the doubt—that is, until too much doubt creeps in. Then you have to talk about it. To talk about it, you must separate the two different issues: the constant health complaints are one thing, and the fact that he does not carry a full workload is another. One is simply irritating but the other is unacceptable. You have to address the unacceptable first, which is the classic hard conversation. State the facts as you see them and make a request for specific change.

Here is something I have tested with both myself and clients. It is a 7-step process for a conversation, taken from the book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. This approach is a good way to call out behaviors that aren’t working.

1. Name the issue; e.g., “You aren’t carrying the same workload as everyone else on the team, and the issue of fairness needs to be addressed.”
2. Select 2 or 3 specific examples of the behavior or situation you want to change.
3. Describe your emotion about this issue (e.g., you are frustrated and are having trouble planning and assigning work tasks because you don’t know what you can expect of him).
4. Clarify what is at stake—and be very clear about this. What is the problem exactly and what is the negative consequence of not addressing it?
5. Identify your contribution to the problem. Is it possible you have allowed the bad behavior to go on too long? Be honest.
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue, being specific about what resolved looks like to you. This is critical and will provide you both with a measure so that you will know if the fix is successful.
7. Invite your employee to respond.

The thing I like most about this process is that it forces you to prepare for a conversation about one problem, and one problem only. Once the workload issue is addressed, you can embark on the one about the health complaining, which is a different kind of conversation. In that case, you are sharing an observation and making him aware that he is creating a reputation. You can leave to him what he decides to do about it, which will be his choice.

I once worked with a young man who was a little bit negative about everything. I shared with him that everyone on the team called him Eeyore. I thought he would get upset and try to change the perception, but instead he laughed and said, “Oh that is so perfect, I am totally Eeyore.” Your employee has a whole narrative going and he can decide to change it or not. It may be completely fine with him that people are rolling their eyes at him. Once you have helped him gain awareness, unless you plan to make a request for a change, your job is done.

Finally, there is an opportunity here for you to practice compassion. Next time you do feel under the weather, you might ask yourself what it would be like to feel that terrible all the time. Some people really do struggle with terrible health and you have to give them credit for carrying on under difficult circumstances.

And—the work needs to get done, so you are going to have to do whatever is needed to help him get the work done or change his schedule and workload to reflect what he can manage. To do that, you will probably have to HR involved, and a diagnosis and a doctor’s note, which nobody wants, but getting clarity will be key. Otherwise, resentment will build among the team and you will have a real problem on your hands.

Get clear. Deal with the work situation and raise awareness about the complaining. Continue to notice your own judgment and practice putting yourself in his shoes. Be persistent in getting clarity and kind all along the way.

I hope your own health continues to be excellent!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is amazing. She has been a mentor for me and I admire her and learn from her every day. She has freakish stamina, is extremely bright and creative, and has a ton of experience and a huge grasp of strategy, management, and execution. There is nothing I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking her.

She is also nuts.

She wasn’t always nuts. But about eighteen months ago, she started having hot flashes in meetings and using a little iPhone-powered fan. I have also been witness to memory lapses and occasional irrational behavior. One minute she is totally normal and the next thing I know she is contradicting something she said the day before, not making sense, and seeming just plain nuts. A few days ago when I pointed out to her that she was telling me to do the opposite of what we had agreed on, she blew up at me.

I mentioned this to my mom and she said, “Oh yeah, the wild hormone shifts in menopause can make women go crazy.”

So I’m pretty sure my amazing boss is in the throes of menopause. I am hoping you can help me figure out how to deal with her when she goes off the rails. She doesn’t seem to be aware of how unreasonable she can be. Help!

My Boss is Having Hot Flashes

Dear My Boss is Having Hot Flashes,

Ah, my favorite thing: amateur family member diagnosis! And such a politically incorrect diagnosis it is! Your boss may indeed be suffering from hot flashes, mood swings, memory loss, brain fog, and insomnia—all of which are, indeed, classic symptoms of peri-menopause and menopause. Who wouldn’t be cranky? I am probably around the same age as your mom, so I happen to know all about this topic.

But really, so what? I guess it would be easier to deal with if you thought this was a finite situation that would eventually go away on its own. But the fact is, your boss’s behavior could be caused by any number of conditions or situations that are really none of your business. She might have something terrible going on at home, or she might be dealing with a serious health issue. You just don’t know, and you can’t assume.

So the question is this: how do you cope when someone who is normally a paragon of sanity behaves irrationally?

Strike when the iron is cold. One terrific book that really helped my husband and me when we were raising teenagers is Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!. The author advised readers to “strike when the iron is cold.” This means that you shouldn’t try to engage in the heat of the moment, which I think applies when anyone is acting crazy. In the moments your boss is behaving oddly, just stay calm and breathe. Don’t react or try to reason with her when she is hot under the collar. But pay attention to errors or inconsistencies—even take notes if you need to, so that when the time comes for you to talk about it, you can be super clear.

Have that hard conversation. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your boss, so in a calm moment, ask for some time and permission to share some observations. Be neutral and non-judgmental, but outline as objectively as possible what you have seen. Include the effect her behavior has on you—that it has made you confused and worried. She will probably be appalled and embarrassed. She must know her behavior has been erratic. It is really hard to watch yourself from the ceiling acting like a lunatic—unfortunately, I know this from experience. So hopefully, acknowledging it will help her. But if she shuts down the conversation and refuses to discuss it? Well, at least you tried.

Take notes and send them out. No matter what she does, try to maintain clarity about your job. One way to keep things really clear—and avoid he-said-she-said arguments about what was decided—is to take notes in every meeting, including a list of agreements, and send them to all meeting attendees. That way, you have a record and it isn’t just your memory vs. someone else’s. This is a good discipline to develop anyway, and will serve you well for your entire professional career.

Document the behavior in question. It’s possible that things may not improve and you eventually will have to go to HR. If this happens, you will need a record of incidents with dates and clear accounts of what happened. Even if you never need this record, it might help you find patterns or clues that will enable you to cope more effectively. I did this once with an employee and it helped me realize that Mondays were not good days to try to have planning conversations with her. I never could put my finger on why, but I just steered clear of anything taxing on Mondays. Apart from that quirk, she was a stellar employee.

For the love of Pete, don’t crack any jokes about menopause. We middle-aged women are not amused by being the source of others’ entertainment.
Given the high regard in which you hold your boss, I would say you can probably find it in your heart to cut her some slack while also taking care of yourself. Be kind, be patient, and keep your sense of humor.

If your diagnosis is correct, this too shall pass.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

“I don’t have enough hours in the day to get my work done.”

It’s a common complaint I hear from my coaching clients—especially those who are newer to a management role. Very often when we are talking about their workload I notice that they are taking on “monkeys” that aren’t theirs.

Monkeys? you might be thinking. What? Several years ago, Ken Blanchard coauthored a book with William Oncken, Jr. and Hal Burrows called The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey. The “monkey” represents the ownership or responsibility for an unsolved problem or an incomplete task.

Let me give you an oversimplified example—one I sometimes share with my coaching clients—about taking on monkeys. Picture this:

A manager is in their office trying to work on their strategic plan for next year. One of their direct reports drops by. The direct report says, “Hey boss, I can’t get hold of Steve to get the numbers for the report I’m compiling for next week’s off-site meeting.” (This is the unsolved problem or incomplete task.) The boss says something like, “Well leave it with me and I’ll try to reach Steve.” In an instant, the boss has taken on the direct report’s “monkey.” The direct report skips down the hall with that monkey off their back. Over the course of a day, this happens with other direct reports. Soon the manager is weighed down with monkeys and no longer has time to work on their own strategic plan.

More often than not, the person I’m coaching relates to this and sees themselves in the story. The question follows: What to do?

Here are a couple of strategies I’ve developed with my clients as they learn to deal with their own office monkeys.

Slow down and reflect. When a direct report drops by with a problem, ask yourself whose problem, job, or task it is. Most of the time, the problem belongs to the direct report.

Ask a few open-ended questions. Help the direct report think through the situation. For example, ask, “How are you reaching out to Steve? Might there be another way?” Maybe the direct report is emailing Steve when it might be better to pick up the phone or go by and see Steve. Another question might be, “If you can’t reach Steve, what are other ways you can get the data?” If more help is needed, you could brainstorm with the direct report to figure out other options. Helping them think things through will often get things moving and keep the monkey firmly with its owner—the direct report.

Make sure your direct report knows their next move. Before the conversation is over, confirm the action the direct report is going to take with their monkey so you can get back to your own work.

I’m not proposing that managers abdicate their responsibility for providing direction and support. I’m just suggesting that managers help direct reports find ways to solve their own problems and tasks.

The reality is that consistently following this procedure will help your direct reports grow into self-reliance—which makes this a win-win situation for everybody!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I have an employee who hates me. I have been supervising and managing people for 25 years and this has never happened to me before. I’ve been to training classes, attended webinars, read books on managing, and worked hard to hone my leadership skills over the years.

I am generally a likeable person, so I am flummoxed. He was warm and friendly during the job interview. He had the right experience and skills and he started off fine. However, after the three-month probationary period passed, he had a total personality change.

I’ve been told by others that he complains about what a slave driver I am. He sits silently through our regular meetings without contributing. And it’s not just me—he doesn’t seem to like anyone else either. He does his job but is so unpleasant that his peers avoid him.

I know you will say I need to talk to him, but he canceled his last few one-on-one meetings. I’m going to be traveling a lot over the next few months, so I can’t really catch him in person.

With all the craziness going on in the news these days, this whole situation is getting under my skin.

Hate Being Hated
_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hate Being Hated,

I was going to give you some quick and friendly advice until you mentioned workplace violence in the news. That made things very serious, very fast. I think it is a clue to something you may not have told yourself in so many words, which is that you are afraid of this employee.

You must go to HR and talk about this situation right this minute and create a plan for the possibility that you might have to let this person go. I think it is critical here to honor your Spidey sense—you don’t want to overreact, but you do want to take proper precautions in case the day comes that you actually need them.

I asked a group women in my master mind group once what their biggest regrets around work were. To a person, each of them said they regretted not honoring a strong intuition they had because they didn’t want to offend someone. You really don’t want that to happen to you.

And yeah, you need to talk to him. You can catch him in person if you really make the effort. Make it clear that you are setting up a meeting that isn’t optional for him, and go straight at it. Tell him that you have noticed him acting extremely unhappy, that you have heard through the grapevine he feels his workload is too heavy, and that you are very worried.

Ask him what is going on—and then just stop talking. If he refuses to be candid with you and says something like, “Nothing’s wrong; everything’s fine; I don’t know what you’re talking about,” be clear that this is the moment for him to give you the feedback you need to work with him and help him get to a better place. Make sure he understands that you have his best interests at heart and want him to succeed.

If he continues to stonewall, ask him to behave the way he did during his first three months on the job—warm and friendly, eye contact, contributing in meetings, etc. He will either agree to try, or he will refuse. That will give you the information you need to move forward. It is completely fair to have a standard where people working for you are minimally civil, polite, and not overly stressful to work with. If he can’t maintain that standard, he will need to accept help from HR, work with a professional through your EAP, or he will have to go.

Schedule the conversation as soon as you can. Change a trip if you have to. The health of your entire team is at stake here—and if they haven’t already, they will judge you for not dealing with the situation.

This clearly feels personal to you and your emotional response to it is clouding your judgment. Try to remember this isn’t about you. This is about him, your team, and your business—and you must deal with it head on. If there is danger here, letting more time pass will only exacerbate things.

Don’t duck this. Act now. Be brave.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a very matrixed organization. My actual boss works remotely and I seldom interact with him one-on-one, but we have a team lead on every project.

In my work group, we all work on different projects as they come in. One of my peers in another group is causing real problems for me. He never keeps his agreements and tends to hold up every project he is involved with. I’ll call him B.

He agrees to his role and then makes excuses, but no one in charge seems to know or care. It isn’t my job to give B feedback—and I wouldn’t know what to say—but it’s getting to the point that everyone in my group tries to avoid working with whatever group he is in.

I was just invited to be on a really fun and interesting project that I said yes to, but I heard B will be on it. I have a good relationship with that team lead, and I’m thinking of giving him the heads up about the chaos B causes.

What do you think? I hate to tattle, but I also hate knowing what’s going to happen and doing nothing.

Tattler

Dear Tattler,

This sounds like mayhem. The only way the matrix can work is if there is some solid oversight and everyone can be trusted to pull their weight. The fact that you are having this conundrum is an indication of poor leadership—because sometimes if everyone is a leader, no one actually has to step up and take responsibility. There’s a lot to be gained in terms of nimbleness and creativity with matrix organizing principles, but this is a classic example of one the potential downsides.

I understand this doesn’t really help you.

This might: Think about your basic values. What you are reacting to is the general unfairness of the situations caused by B. Unfairness essentially reduces all of us to four-year-olds. It literally affects brain function. It is important to be aware of this so that you don’t do something that is not aligned with your values and that you may regret. You may think that reporting someone’s past bad behaviors to an authority is the right thing to do, but your choice of label for yourself – “tattler”—indicates that you would judge yourself poorly. Frankly, you seem to be judging yourself for even thinking about it.

I sense some real doubts there, which leads me to say: don’t do it. I’m not sure what you would have to gain, but you definitely would have the respect of the team lead to lose. Because, as you well know, nobody likes a tattle tale.

Here’s what you can do. As the assignments are being divvied up, ask the group what the consequences are for slipping on deadlines. Agree as a group how you will behave. Keep your own commitments and acknowledge when others keep theirs. The first time B shows up with an excuse, call out that his lateness is going to slow everyone down and refer back to original agreements of the group. If the group doesn’t step up, then you can talk to the team lead and mention it isn’t the first time you have seen this behavior from B. You don’t have to be mean about it, just truthful and factual. Then it is the team lead’s problem.

Also, I would recommend that you make it a priority to develop a relationship with your actual boss. He is probably so busy that he figures no news is good news and that if you needed him, he’d hear about it. But you don’t want to be in touch only when there is a problem.

In my world view, it is your boss’s job to know his people and make sure they have what they need to succeed—but since that isn’t happening, you need to step up and be on his radar. Get on his calendar and be prepared with a list of all your projects so that he knows who you are and what you’re up to. To the extent possible, research his goals and priorities and ways you might be able to help him. Maybe then, when you really need his influence, he’ll have your back.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I heard somewhere that as a manager I should reward good behaviors and coach negative ones. I have been trying to do this, but I realize I’m not really sure what it means. While we are on the topic, how many times do I let someone make the same mistake before I stop the coaching and just let them go?

Confused About a Bad Apple

Dear CABA,

It is confusing—the term coaching is used in so many different ways. In your case, you are using the word to represent what I might call giving a reprimand, a redirection, or feedback about performance.

I use the term in a more positive sense: as a technique that a boss or manager might use to develop a valuable employee. Coaching takes care and time and is an investment in an employee. In a best case scenario, it is driven by the employee’s agenda. We have some interesting research and information on that here.

Honestly, though, the way you use the word is beside the point. The point here is that it sounds like your bad apple is either unwilling or unable to do the job the way it needs to be done. They need a combination of what we would call clear direction and a lot of support; in other words, crystal clear direction plus some open-ended questions to get to the bottom of what is getting in the way.

If you have an HR department, ask for help documenting each attempt at having these conversations where you give feedback and direction. If you don’t have HR, keep a record for yourself. Make sure you check your confirmation bias—a way we all have of seeking evidence to support what we already believe to be true—as best you can.

How many repeated mistakes should you tolerate? Well, that’s up to you. The thing is, everyone makes mistakes—you make mistakes, I make mistakes, and our best people make mistakes. It happens. That is just normal work. People get overwhelmed by their to-do list and are moving too fast, or maybe they are doing a small part of their job they aren’t naturally great at.

When the same mistake happens repeatedly, though, there has to be a conversation about what is going on and how can it be avoided in future. I personally feel like three solid attempts is about right, because after that it starts to feel like Groundhog Day. Almost every manager I have ever worked with has given an employee entirely too many chances and suffered the consequences. I have never once, in twenty-five years of coaching managers, seen anyone regret letting a person go who either wouldn’t or couldn’t do the job. It is nothing short of liberating.

One last thing you need to consider: none of this happening in a vacuum. Your other employees are watching how you deal with this situation and taking note of what you let others get away with. Some may have to do extra work to pick up the slack around Bad Apple. They will start to resent and judge you if you let it go on too long. I know that one from painful personal experience.

So first, be kind. Give your potential Bad Apple a little extra direction and support and one more chance—and then, if you need to, call it. I guarantee you will have no regrets.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is really tough—I would say borderline abusive. It isn’t just to me. He is awful to everyone. Because of this, I am in a constant state of anxiety and my work has definitely suffered. I was very good at my job but I know the quality has decreased because I have no confidence and can’t seem to make a decision anymore.

I wait for the boss to tell me exactly how he wants things for fear of doing it wrong. I know in my heart that I have a lot to offer and that I could do this job very well with little or no input from him.

Some days I feel like I just want to do the job the way I think it should be done—to hell with it—I’m going to get yelled at either way. What do you think?

Sick of Being Scared

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Sick of Being of Scared,

Well, at least it isn’t personal.

Okay, Sick, there is a continuum of options here. At one far end you have cowering submission, and at the other you have open conflict. No matter where you are on the continuum, you are going to be scared and your poor exhausted nervous system is going to produce cortisol and adrenaline. Eventually, something will give and you will get truly sick and have to take a leave of absence.

If you choose confrontation, at least it would put some control into your hands. The more control you can exert over your circumstances and the more certainty you can create for yourself, the less you will produce stress hormones and the better you will feel.

Are things too crazy for you to catch your mean boss in a calm moment and create some agreements? Tell him you want only to do excellent work and make him happy. Ask him to give you input at key junctures of your work so you feel confident about being on the right track. Walk through your ideas about how the work should be done and get input from him. Show that you are receptive to his ideas and willing to compromise.

Essentially, I’m saying don’t let your fear keep you from having discussions, especially since it sounds like he is going to huff and puff and yell regardless of what you do. If you can just remember that this is just the way he is, it doesn’t actually mean anything, and you aren’t going to die, you can take a stand for yourself and your ideas.

I think you nailed it—if you are going to get yelled at either way, to hell with it indeed; you might as well go for it. Think of your boss like you do cold rainy weather: put on your metaphorical raincoat, pop up your imaginary umbrella, and just let yourself be okay with getting a little wet. Who knows—he may respect you all the more for it.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

People with high emotional intelligence are able to recognize emotions that surface within themselves and others. Emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient or EQ, refers to a person’s ability to identify and understand their own emotions and the emotions of other people.

To your knowledge, have you ever interacted with a person with low EQ? If you have, it’s safe to say the interaction may not have been very pleasant or productive.

Coaching sessions often focus, directly or indirectly, on emotional intelligence. A coach helps a leader surface and recognize the emotions that result in the behaviors that are driving them. A leader who can measure the effectiveness of their behaviors and manage those emotions can create appropriate and productive leadership behaviors for themselves.

The skills involved in most emotional intelligence models include the following:

• Self-Awareness: This is where it begins! Being self-aware. Using your personal power.
• Self-Management: Being in control of your behaviors based on your emotions. Self-regulation.
• Social or Other Awareness: Being aware of others’ emotions. Showing empathy and being service oriented.
• Relationship Management: Leveraging self and others’ emotions to build collaboration, communication, and trust.

Daniel Goleman, author of many books on EQ including Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, highlights a study that determined people with high EQ have better mental health, job performance, and lives. Goleman states: “In a study of skills that distinguish star performers in every field, from entry-level jobs to executive positions, the single most important factor was not IQ, advanced degrees, or technical experience—it was EQ. Of the competencies required for excellence in performance in the job studies, 67 percent were emotional competencies.”

EQ is about adapting your behaviors and leadership styles to create productive interactions. This is at the core of effective leadership. Everyone experiences good days, bad days, positive moods, “just don’t feel like it” moods, tiredness, low motivation, etc. We are human and mood swings come naturally. And we have the ability to manage how we act on our emotions and how we deal with the emotions of others.

With some coaching and a little practice, anyone can increase their level of emotional intelligence and positively impact their relationships at home and in the workplace.

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine, 

I have been assigned to handle a new team and we are currently in the developmental stage.

Yesterday as I did a few one-on-one sessions, one of the new hires on my team (let’s call her Laura) mentioned that one of my tenured team members (let’s call her Carol) was cold to her.

Laura said the only interaction she has had with Carol was when Carol told her in person that she is not allowed to use a term of endearment when talking with another woman in the office. Both Carol and Laura are LGBT. Laura said she apologized to Carol by saying she was sorry if Carol thinks it was inappropriate for her to call another woman by an endearing term but Carol did not answer.

Although I have heard rumors that Carol is interested in the woman whom Laura called by an endearing term, I have advised Laura to not magnify the situation because it might be just her imagination, and to give Carol the benefit of the doubt. I also asked her to let me know immediately if Carol starts displaying harassing behavior. 

In the meantime, as a supervisor, I know I need to extinguish whatever ember is under the rug that might turn into fire. I have not yet spoken to Carol. She was part of my team before this, and we never discussed personal matters. I am scheduled to talk to her next week. Could you give me tips on how I can best nip this situation in the bud? Thank you so much. 

Need to Avoid a Fire

Dear Need to Avoid a Fire,

Welcome to management. Isn’t it fun? People are the wild card, every time. Their needs, their desires, their wants.

First, let’s eliminate the static. I think the LGBT issue is a red herring, as well as who may or may not be attracted to whom. Rumors are—well, rumors, and you can’t depend on them to be true. And even if you could, it really doesn’t matter. The key is for everyone to have clear rules for interacting regardless of orientation or interest.

As a manager, since this could blow up, it would be smart for you to keep a clear record of every single thing that comes to your attention as this drama unfolds. Hopefully it will stop before it gains any steam, but you have to cover yourself.

In terms of the bigger picture of forming a new team, I highly recommend that you do two things:

• Share the laws of your state or country around what constitutes harassment. In California, harassment is essentially in the eye of the beholder. Based on this, you can share what is most relevant, such as:
  • Avoid any and all personal observations; i.e.: “you look so pretty in that skirt!” It is always safer to keep compliments impersonal; i.e.: “that skirt is great looking.”
  • Avoid terms of endearment under any circumstances.
  • Keep your hands to yourself at all times.
  • Keep humor clean and light and always be mindful of anyone you may be insulting.
• Work with everyone on your team to come up with norms for the team that everyone can live with. Examples include:
  • We agree that we are on time
  • We treat each other with respect
  • We give each other direct feedback
  • We talk things through when there is conflict

Speaking with Carol is going to be critical. One thing to do is request that she have a heart-to-heart talk with Laura to accept the apology and move on. Creating the norm of having your team members give each other direct feedback and talk things through when there is conflict is ideal, if difficult to achieve.

Be kind, be firm, and stop paying attention to anything that doesn’t matter.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In his work consulting with business leaders at top organizations around the world, best-selling author Ken Blanchard explains that for best results, leaders need to combine a focus on people with a simultaneous focus on results.  It’s this one-two combination that delivers the greatest impact.

Managers need to have a shared responsibility with direct reports for achieving goals, explains Blanchard.  As an example, Blanchard points to the philosophy of Garry Ridge, CEO of WD-40 Company and Blanchard’s coauthor on the book Helping People Win at Work.  At WD-40, if a manager is considering an unfavorable review for a direct report, the first question asked of the manager is: “What have you done to help that person succeed?”

One of the benefits of this mutual accountability approach is that it gives leaders permission to step in when tough love is called for—for example, when performance or behavior is off-track.

Colleen Barrett, former president of Southwest Airlines, shares her organization’s philosophy about joint accountability: “We are very clear in telling our people what our expectations are. We hold them and ourselves accountable for meeting those expectations every day. Sometimes this means having a real heart-to-heart with someone and reminding them what our values are. If we have been intentional and firm in explaining what our expectations are, that gives us the opportunity to point to specific examples where the person hasn’t exhibited the required behaviors.”

Blanchard believes that this approach to management requires a special kind of leader—a person who sees leadership as an opportunity to serve instead of being served.

“We have all seen the negative consequences of self-centered leadership,” says Blanchard.  “Today we need a new leadership model—one that is focused on accomplishing the goals of the organization as a whole, with an equal emphasis on people and results. The best leaders identify the hidden strengths in people and organizations and lead them to a place they couldn’t get to on their own.  In this way, they truly serve.  And when the leader’s work is done—to paraphrase Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu—the people will say, ‘We did it ourselves.’

“The most effective leaders realize that leadership is not about them—they are only as good as the people they lead. It’s what servant leadership is all about. Once a vision has been set for the organization, servant leaders move to the bottom of the hierarchy, acting as cheerleaders, supporters, and encouragers for the people who report to them.

“The best organizations don’t see relationships and results as an either/or proposition,” says Blanchard. “They know if they focus on both people and profits, success will follow.”

Would you like to learn more about creating an others-focused culture in your organization?  Join Ken Blanchard for a free webinar on September 12,

Servant Leadership: 4 Keys to Leading at a Higher Level.

The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

I head up one of several R&D teams at a global consumer goods company. My team is amazing—brilliant, eccentric, creative, fun people who are blowing away their goals. (It takes a certain type of person to be good at what we do.)

Here is my problem. Some of my folks are good at the basics—showing up on time for meetings, submitting expenses, dressing appropriately, filling out paperwork, etc. But the others not so much. I am constantly on them to comply with the bare minimum of what is required to operate in this large system. Case in point: conducting performance reviews.

I know some managers who can throw all the rules to the wind and allow their creatives to operate as they please, but I just can’t do it. I have spoken to my own boss and my peers to get some ideas about how to get people to toe the line, but they all just laugh and say I’ll figure it out. I don’t have kids but I am starting to feel like a parent. It is making me really…

Cranky

Dear Cranky,

Presumably, you manage these people because you are one of them.  Are you not eccentric and creative yourself? How did the person previously in your position handle this problem? You must have leadership skills to have been so attractive to the best. Your people are doing well because you have created an environment in which they can thrive—and yet, you have also led them to think that they can get away with, well, acting like children.

Something you are doing—possibly not having proper boundaries—is sending the wrong signal. Henry Cloud is an expert on this. You may want to take a look at his work.

I am married to an eccentric creative, I manage a bunch of wildly creative people, and I am a parent. And still, my least strong suit is getting people to do tedious stuff they have to do, so I really do feel your pain. I must be clear, concise and relentless about what is necessary. Repetition and reminders without judgment are helpful. And however strong the temptation might be, I do not shield other adults from the consequences of their choices.

Your job as a manager is to clearly inform your people of the consequences of not complying with requirements. Putting a time limit on getting the performance review done might work: if something isn’t done in a certain time frame, they don’t get a raise. You may have already thought of this. I know with my huge team, we have finally resorted to not paying expenses that are submitted more than 30 days after the event. That works for some, but others just don’t care about money.

Another idea is to go to HR and see what special dispensation you might be able to get for your team. It may not be possible, but I know a lot of the large global companies are trying to be more flexible about these things. Maybe you could be a pilot program for some new, easier methods in this area.

Finally, leverage the genius of your team. Put this conundrum in front of them to solve. This is not your problem alone. It is draining you now and will begin to drain the energy of your team soon as well. Let them apply some of their brilliance and creativity—maybe even some old-fashioned peer pressure—to shift this situation.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Researchers from The Ken Blanchard Companies teamed up with Training magazine to poll 456 human resource and talent-management professionals. The purpose was to determine whether established best practices were being leveraged effectively.

The survey found gaps of 20-30 percent between what employees wanted from their leaders and what they were experiencing in four key areas: Performance Planning (setting clear goals), Day-to-Day Coaching (helping people reach their targets), Performance Evaluation (reviewing results), and Job and Career Development (learning and growing.)

Use this link to download a PDF version of a new infographic that shows the four key communication gaps broken down into ten specific conversations leaders should be having with their team members.

Are your leaders having the performance management conversations they should be? If you find similar gaps, address them for higher levels of employee work passion and performance.

You can read more about the survey (and see the Blanchard recommendations for closing communication gaps) by accessing the original article, 10 Performance Management Process Gaps, at the Training magazine website.

Would you like to learn more about improving the quality of management conversations in your organization? Join Ann Phillips for a complimentary webinar on Performance Management 101: 3 Conversations All Managers Need to Master. The event is free courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can learn more and register using this link.

Dear Madeleine,

I started a new job about six months ago. My boss warned me about one of my direct reports—he said she was argumentative and difficult.

For the first few months I thought she was okay, but now I’m beginning to see what my boss meant. She is hostile in meetings. She agrees to things and then tells others how much she disagrees with me. She does not keep her commitments and then gives me lame excuses when I call her on it.

Yesterday she sent me an email calling me names that made my jaw drop. She was rude and inappropriate to the point where I wonder if she might have a mental problem.

In the meantime, my boss was let go—and I don’t really feel comfortable taking this to my new boss. I am just blown away by this woman’s insubordination and I honestly don’t know what I should do next.

Tolerating Insubordination

Dear Tolerating,

Stop tolerating. Draw some boundaries. But first, do some research and groundwork.

I always recommend starting by giving folks the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she has good reasons to behave the way she is behaving. It’s possible that your former boss’s attitude toward her has put her on the defensive. You can certainly call for a sit-down. Share your experience and ask how you might be able to craft a more productive working relationship. For more direction on having a hard conversation, you can refer to a previous post in this column. See how that goes. Maybe you can turn this around.

I think as the new manager, it is your job to give it your best effort to make this work by making clear requests for changes and giving her a chance to improve her behavior. But if you get no traction, you have to be fierce and decisive or you risk getting dragged down very quickly. She can easily poison other employees against you and the company if she hasn’t already.

Call out unacceptable behaviors as soon as they happen and provide redirection. If you find yourself unable to do so, ask yourself what you are afraid of. What power does she have that she has been getting away with this nonsense since long before you arrived at the company? Probably none, but she has somehow cowed your former boss and is now doing it to you.

Put up the hand and make it stop. Talk to your new boss and your HR partner and start the process of documenting every time she does something that undermines the team. There is no reason for you to put up with nastiness and lack of productivity—how can you possibly get your work done? Maybe she will back down—people who are just plain bullies often do when challenged. But if she keeps it up, call the game and replace her with someone who will do the job, have a good attitude, and be a pleasure to work with. As you well know, you can teach skills but you must hire for attitude.

It is my experience that managers who spend the bulk of their time on bad apples like your direct report never, ever regret showing them the door. Get your ducks in a row and keep a record of the bad behavior—how beautiful that you have concrete evidence in an email!

Sometimes people behave so badly that we question our own assessment and even our sanity or theirs. You are at that point, which is way too far past the pale. So give it one last shot to get on the same page—and if it doesn’t work, just say no. No, no, no. No.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I hear that statement all the time from my coaching clients. I get it—no one wants to be known as a boss who hovers over people and tells them what to do all the time. However, what I’ve noticed with some clients who desperately do not want to micromanage is that they often go to the other extreme and completely abdicate their leadership responsibilities.

So how does abdicating—which we also label as under-supervising—frustrate? Let’s look at one common example.

Under-supervision is most damaging when a leader says to a direct report who is unfamiliar with a task, “I know you will be fine. Just let me know when you’re done.” The direct report very likely won’t be able to do a task they haven’t been trained to do. Then, when the task becomes difficult or the person experiences some natural early failure, it’s normal for them to think, “My boss thinks I can do this. There must be something wrong with me!”

This begins a stream of negative self-talk, which can kill creativity. People in this state rarely give themselves permission to be a learner, to take risks, or to experiment with possible solutions. Isolation can also set in. People are often hesitant to reveal that they don’t know something—and are even less likely to do so if they think their boss expects them to know it.

Finally, forward motion is thwarted. When someone doesn’t know how to do something and doesn’t have anyone to guide them, they will often work on the tasks they do know how to do and set the other task aside. It appears to be human nature. I’ve witnessed people who are otherwise brilliant do this many times.

I’m convinced that abdicating behavior from a manager can be just as frustrating to a direct report as the dreaded micromanaging. The ideal balance would be to provide the right kind of leadership style depending on direct report’s development level on whatever task or goal they are working on. As Ken Blanchard says, a leader needs to “Slow down to go faster.” Here’s how it works:

1. With your direct report, articulate the goal for any assigned work. Express what a good job would look like. And this is a vital step: have your direct report repeat back to you what they heard you say about the goal and the desired objective. This will ensure you are both on the same page.
2. Next, ask the person how they would go about achieving the goal. And then really listen.
3. If they list out what they would do and it sounds like a good plan, send them on their way with your blessing. Of course, always let them know you are there if they need anything along the way.
4. On the other hand, if you hear “I’m not sure,” “I haven’t done this before,” or other statements of self-doubt, take it as a sign the person needs more supervision. Partner with them to create a plan for getting the job done—and be sure to check in with them regularly.

I always think using this style is like offering a thirsty person trekking through the desert some water. It’s giving them something they desperately need.

The hope is that a direct report who isn’t yet self-reliant on a task will grow and develop autonomy as they go forward. As the direct report develops competence and confidence doing the task, you, as the leader, can pull back on supervision.

Matching your leadership style to the specific needs of your direct reports will allow you to always correctly supervise versus under- or over-supervising. In this way, your leadership actions will always be just right!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

“Part of effective communication between manager and direct report is a mindset and part is a skillset. Both are required,” says Phillips. “It’s easy for managers to convince themselves they don’t have time for quality conversations, especially when they aren’t particularly interested in having them and don’t really know how to do it.

“Every manager I’ve worked with has so much of their own work to do all day, every day, that some can’t see their way clear to spending time with the folks who work for them—other than performance reviews, rushed interactions, or crises,” explains Phillips. “Conversations between these managers and their people are mostly manager-led directives of ‘this is what I want you to do; here’s how to do it.’ The manager is focused on getting stuff done and on what needs to happen—not on their direct reports’ career growth or needs.

“Unfortunately, when individual contributors in this scenario become managers, they treat people exactly the way they were treated. Sub-quality conversations become a cultural norm.”

The good news, according to Phillips, is that managers can learn to be more effective in their work conversations.

“If a manager has the right mindset and training, it’ll drive the right behavior,” says Phillips. She recommends focusing on three specific conversations to get started.

The Goal-Setting Conversation

“All good performance begins with clear goals. Effective goal-setting conversations begin with clarity—what to do, by when, and what a good job looks like,” says Phillips. “Be specific—and don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s critically important to take the time to make sure both parties are interpreting the same words in the same way to avoid misunderstandings.

“Conversations and relationships can go sideways when people interpret things differently but don’t have a conversation about that interpretation. Never assume!”

This leads to the second important conversation at which managers need to excel—giving feedback.

The Feedback Conversation

“A friend of mine recently told me I tend to hijack conversations,” says Phillips. “The funny thing is, I was just about to tell her she does the same thing! We discovered that what I interpret as hijacking and what she interprets as hijacking are two different things.

“We talked about how, when she’s talking and pauses to think, I rush in to fill the empty space.  It goes back to my experience at home. In my family, you talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and there are no pauses. So when my friend goes silent, I fill in the gap and start talking about something.

“Then I explained to her that I feel she hijacks the conversation when I tell her about something happening in my life and she immediately turns it into a discussion about something that’s happening in her life. It’s related, but it still feels to me like she is making it about her.

“Because we are committed to our friendship, we’re willing to discuss things that are uncomfortable and to consider each other’s point of view. That’s important at work, too. Managers and direct reports need to have the type of relationship where they can talk honestly. When a manager cares about a direct report as a human being—and vice versa—they build up an emotional bank account they can draw from.  That allows them to have difficult conversations when they need to.”

Sadly, the word feedback has a negative connotation in business today, says Phillips.

“People seldom think of feedback as praise or recognition. When people hear that word, they think at best it’s going to be constructive criticism. But it rarely feels constructive—it just feels like criticism.

“It’s another area where most managers don’t have the skills they need—especially feedback around performance improvement and redirection. Managers are so concerned about how someone might respond to feedback, they tend to avoid it altogether.”

One way managers can be more successful when preparing to give feedback is to make sure they are coming at it from the right place.

“Your feedback can’t be based on your own personal agenda,” says Phillips. “It has to be about helping other people be successful or otherwise improving the team. If you come from a personal agenda, your feedback will come across poorly.

“In my conversation with my friend, she gave me the feedback about the way I hijack conversations because she wanted our conversations to be better.  I knew that, and it gave me a chance to think about my behavior and run it over in my mind. That was a good learning for me—to recognize that behavior I picked up from my family might be misinterpreted when I’m dealing with other people.”

The One-on-One Conversation

Listening and focusing on the other person’s agenda is especially important when managers conduct one-on-one conversations with their direct reports, says Phillips.

“It’s easy to fall into the manager’s agenda, where one-on-ones can turn into a review of how the direct report is doing on each of their goals. At The Ken Blanchard Companies, we teach managers to schedule semi-monthly one-on-ones, where the agenda is driven by the individual contributor and what they need.”

The manager’s primary role is to listen and provide support, says Phillips.  Senior leaders are generally better at this than are new managers.

“At the senior levels of an organization, a VP typically will have more experience asking a direct report how things are going and finding out what the direct report needs to succeed. As you move down to the frontlines of an organization, managers are less experienced at taking the lead in a conversation like that.”

Especially at the frontlines, Phillips observes, managers and supervisors need training in how to have effective one-on-one conversations. Otherwise, the direct report is likely to default to the manager and ask the manager what they want talk about.

“It’s important to teach managers to ask open-ended questions about what an individual contributor’s needs are. Suppose the direct report comes into the meeting with a blank piece of paper and says, ‘What do you want talk about?’ The manager should take that opening and say, ‘Let’s talk about some things you are working on. Let’s list the three or four tasks, discuss your development level, and talk about how I can help you.’ Eventually, that direct report will become more proactive and learn to take the lead in those conversations.”

It’s a process and a joint responsibility—one where everybody benefits, says Phillips.

“Leaders influence through the power of their conversations. Train your managers—and your individual contributors—in the skills they need for more effective conversations at work. It’s one of the best ways to improve performance and satisfaction.”

Would you like to learn more about improving the quality and frequency of conversations in your organization?  Then join us for a free webinar!

PERFORMANCE MANAGEMENT 101: 3 CONVERSATIONS ALL MANAGERS NEED TO MASTER

Wednesday, August 1, 2018, 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

Managers influence and lead through the words they use and the communication skills they apply. In this webinar, Blanchard senior consulting partner Ann Phillips will share the three types of conversations managers must know how to conduct.

1. The Goal-Setting Conversation—how to set goals collaboratively with a focus on motivation.
2. The Feedback Conversation—how to praise performance when it is aligned and how to redirect performance when it is off track.
3. The One-on-One Conversation—how to set aside time to hear from direct reports using high levels of inquiry and listening.

Don’t miss this opportunity to evaluate how your organization is currently addressing performance management. Learn the elements of masterful performance management and how to apply these principles in your own organization. Ann will share tips and strategies you can put into practice immediately. The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Register today!

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a great manager at a nonprofit. My manager is wildly committed, super passionate, and really seems to care about his employees. I have reported to him for seven years, during which time I have gone from being known as a green kid right out of college to an old hand who knows how to get things done around here.

My problem is that my manager is terrible at hiring. Terrible. He keeps hiring people that were vetoed by everyone else on the team. He falls in love with candidates for obscure reasons, such as he likes their foreign accent or their backpack (true story—it was covered with travel stickers showing third world countries the guy had worked in, which is relevant to our mission, but still).

Our last three hires have been disasters, and I saw it coming each time. All three were gone quickly but our team is tired of the time and energy it takes to onboard these people as well as the disruption to our day-to-day work.

I have been researching different hiring practices and I think I could add a lot of value by making our process more effective so we make better hires. How do I go to my manager and offer my help without him getting defensive or seeing it as insubordination?

Only Want to Help

Dear Only Want to Help,

I can only assume your organization doesn’t have a competent HR person to support hiring—if it doesn’t, you do seem to be on your own. Hiring is so often treated as an afterthought and not considered to be as critical as it is. The best employees are the people with the right experience, the right skills, a solid fit with the values of the organization, and a love of work. The best employees are almost always good hires to begin with. There are a lot of ways to assess potential candidates and thereby raise the quality of new hires.

If you do, in fact, have someone in HR, you may want to start there so you aren’t stepping on any toes.

Either way, I think it is fair to say that you should talk to your boss. You have worked together for too long not to be honest about the toll the errors are taking and how you might be able to add value. I am laughing a little because all of my regular readers know exactly what I am going to say: talk to your manager and ask for permission to offer some thoughts.

The good news is that the mistakes were rectified quickly. The only worse thing than a bad hire is not recognizing it and fixing it fast. The best way to avoid big mistakes, other than hiring well, is to impose a three- to six-month probationary period before going to a full employment contract. You’d think people would be on their best behavior for the required time period, but my experience is that people are pretty much are themselves from the outset.

Even so, the cost of a wrong hire is high. So, as you prepare to talk to your manager, consider how he prefers to process information. He might respond well to a narrative—the emotional decision based on a backpack might be a clue. You describe him as super passionate and caring, so possibly an approach based on appealing to his emotions may be the way to go. Or perhaps if he is an analytical thinker and uses data (just not when hiring!) he will be persuaded by facts and figures. If he seems to be a systems thinker, you can go at the problem using information about how each system in the organization is affected by the disruption and how much more smoothly things would go with proper hiring decision making protocols in place.

Listen to your manager’s speech—the way he talks will be your tipoff. Use language he tends to use and thought patterns that will feel familiar to him. Ask for permission to share your thoughts and be ready with a brief, condensed version of your argument and your approach. Start with the big picture and the headlines and get him interested. Once he is interested, you can go ahead with your detailed outline. You can be ready with a presentation to give right in the meeting or to send to him afterward.

Your use of the word insubordination was a bit of a surprise, as there is less hierarchy these days than ever before. Perhaps your boss has strong control needs? If so, three bad hires in a row must really hurt. I think the only thing that would be insubordinate would be doing something behind his back or gossiping about his lack of competence in hiring. Trying to add value by doing research and making recommendations based on accepted best practices seems reasonable to me. Show respect and be polite and kind. Pay close attention to how what you are saying is being received and stay attuned to when you should stop and try again later. You should be okay. Your heart is in the right place.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I manage a large team of accountants and other kinds of finance experts. We recently posted a job for a senior budget analyst.

One of the applicants is a person who was in the finance department a couple of years back. I wasn’t his boss, but I wasn’t impressed with him then and I am not impressed with him now. He wasn’t a team player, he was loud and obnoxious, he complained about the workload, and he left the group suddenly.

I am dead set against rehiring this person. But my boss, the CFO of our company, remembers him fondly and thinks it would shorten ramp-up time to hire someone who knows the organization. I think we can do much better.

How do I make my argument without sounding like a jerk? It’s also possible that this guy is a friend of the boss and I would run the risk of hurting myself politically.

Taking a Stand

Dear Taking a Stand,

Adding a new hire is always a risk to a high-functioning team, so you are right to be concerned. One bad apple can indeed spoil the barrel, as Adam Grant shares in his recent research. Hiring may be the most important part: some people are good at it but sometimes it is just sheer luck to get it right. One of the consultants we work with to get job fit exactly right, Phil Olsen, told us you must answer three critical questions when hiring:

1. Can they do the job the way we want it done (or better)?
2. Will they love us?
3. Will we love them?

I would also suggest you take an analytical approach to solving this problem. Lean on HR to design the exact competencies and experience required for the job. Include the importance of attitude and work ethic in your job design—this should easily exclude the candidate you are allergic to. You won’t be a jerk—it’s just a matter of fact. (If you don’t have that expertise in house, I’d suggest you contact Phil. His method is phenomenal.)

If you are stepping onto political thin ice, I guess you will find out if your boss insists on hiring the ex-employee despite the data showing what a mistake it would be. It seems, though, that if you get your ducks in row and can intelligently make your case, you will be fine.

Finally, the best argument against a weak candidate is to find an ideal one—so the faster you can do that, the better off you will be. Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a fairly large group in engineering.  My team has a good reputation with the rest of the company and works well together. 

Except for one person. 

I have one direct report that I just don’t know what to do with.  “K” has always been a little bit prickly and unpredictable, but people put up with it because she is bright and creative and always brings—or rather, brought—fresh perspectives to the table.

Over the last few months though, things have gotten worse.  A couple of my other employees have mentioned that they are avoiding working with her.  I tried to give her feedback, but she literally got up and walked out of my office.  She is rude to her team mates, and to me.   I am going to have to put her on a performance plan but the fact is that I am really worried that she is having some kind of break down and I feel like I should somehow be able to help her.

Want to Help

Dear Want to Help,

When a good employee starts behaving erratically it is almost always a sign that something has gone severely sideways in their personal lives.   A scary health problem for the employee or one of their loved ones, substance abuse that has gotten out of control, a deterioration in a relationship with a significant other.

If you are lucky, your employees will let you know what is going on so you can assist with connections to appropriate HR support, and helping to manage workload and workflow.  But so many folks come from work environments that punish them for needing support or assistance that they might have trust issues.  If the employee isn’t talking it is hard to know how to help, although I applaud your desire to.

First of all, do your homework. Start keeping a record of all incidents in which K’s actions affect the success of the team.  Find out from HR what kind of assistance is available to K. So many good workers are promoted to management without any training whatsoever about what to do when an employee’s personal life affects their ability to work, so this is your opportunity to get a crash course.

Then, go at it head-on with K.  You will want to express that you are committed to keeping K’s wellbeing in mind as you also try to balance that with the success of the team. Tell K that her behavior is keeping team mates away and that she is no longer adding value to the team, and that things need to change right away if she wants to avoid consequences.

Be clear about what the consequences might be – it isn’t mean, or kicking someone while they are down to share the truth of the situation.  Share that your intention is to help in any way that you can, if she is willing to accept help.  Share whatever information you get from HR about what kind of help might be available through your EAP, if any.  Possibly offer K paid or unpaid leave so she can take the time she needs to get back on an even keel.

So many employees who are suffering in their personal lives are paralyzed by their inability to cope, or they are ashamed, or they are simply so private that it just doesn’t occur to them to tell anyone about what is going on, let alone their boss.

K may just not be able to receive help from you, no matter how kind you are or how much you try.  Do your best—that is all you can do.  Ultimately, your job is to do everything in your power to help your whole team succeed so you will have make decisions based on that in the long run.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am an experienced manager but I am in a situation that is stumping me. I have a large team, and we have a reputation for getting a lot done, very efficiently. One team member—L— has been with the team since before I took it over. She is in her early 40s, a single mom, and very good at her job.

The problem is that she is too nice. People on the team who are behind on their tasks always go to her for help. She is a wiz at certain obscure programs that we must use from time to time, and people get her to help them instead of learning the programs themselves.

L is very active with our company foundation and is often involved in big events that take up her time. She participates in several other committees for the company as well. I can’t keep track of them all. She is always the one to show up with a home-baked cake when there is something to celebrate. She even made gluten-free cupcakes recently for my birthday! She has to leave at a set time to pick up her kids from daycare and I know she goes home and does volunteer work.

This would be all fine and well if L didn’t miss her deadlines on a regular basis. We recently met for her performance review and I was chagrined to see that she hadn’t hit any of her goals at 100%. I was forced to give her a lower rating than I would have liked. I feel like a jerk because she is such a strong addition to the team. I don’t want to demotivate her. How can I fix this?

Feel Like a Jerk

Dear Feel Like a Jerk,

You clearly value your “giving” employee, as well you should. Adam Grant, a highly regarded organizational psychologist, has researched the phenomena he calls givers, takers and matchers, and has established that givers make organizations better. According to Grant, it is not unusual for givers to do less well on their performance metrics than takers or matchers. The key here is to find a way for L to win at work doing what she does naturally and well.

What if you were to shape into goals the things L does naturally, so that she is measured on things she will definitely excel at? Make her Team Den Mother (or come up with a name that suits) so remembering and honoring notable events among the team is a task she is measured on and acknowledged for. Make being a high contributing organizational citizen a goal and map out a limited number of committees she will be on and what her goals will be. Again, she will no doubt knock that out of the park.

Finally, you can designate one of her key responsibility areas as being an expert on certain processes or programs that the team uses. This way, when she spends time helping others, it is actually part of her job. This means some of her other tasks or goals will have to shift to others on the team.

Discuss this idea with L. She will probably help you think it through so that you can arrive at a fair way to recognize her contribution.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

There is a person on my team—a peer of mine—who rubs me the wrong way. Frankly, I just can’t stand her. She is a know-it-all, she talks incessantly, and she’s way too loud. She is constantly on the phone (not really required for the job), cracking her gum and throwing out commentary on what she is doing. Behind her back, the rest of us roll our eyes at her—which is kind of fun—but she really is annoying.

The reason this is a problem is that I know I am being promoted to team lead soon and this person will report to me. I just have no idea how to manage someone I hold in such contempt. Can I give her this feedback? Won’t she hate me? Or am I just …

Too Critical?

Dear Too Critical,

You might be. Perhaps you could use this as an opportunity to develop yourself to be more generous and kind. Or, if she is truly insufferable to everyone, you may be able to use your critical nature to help the gum snapper be more professional.

Let’s start with the ways this situation could be a spiritual development program for you. Has this happened to you before? Do you tend to judge others harshly and find them wanting? Or is this a one-off? Ask your nearest and dearest to give you an honest assessment—they are the ones who know you. If you are indeed judgmental, you’ll have your answer when your BFF laughs when you ask about it.

If it turns out you really are too critical, it is probably because you—like most humans—think everyone should be like you. Even though you are aware of how absurd this is, it is still a factor in how you frame your opinions. It might help you to understand implicit bias and the ways your brain works so that you can increase your awareness. You may also want to familiarize yourself with temperament theory—the ways in which people are different, why it matters, and how to use the knowledge to tailor your communication with others. These things are good to know even if you aren’t normally judgmental, especially if you are going to be leading a team.

Once you are team lead, the big question will be this: does gum snapper deliver what is required of her or not? Your assessment would be strictly on performance and you can give feedback based on that. If any given behavior is getting in the way of her doing her job, give feedback on that as well. If her behavior is keeping other team members from getting their jobs done, you can request that she cut it out. If you have reservations about giving feedback (and who doesn’t), you can refer to a past post here.

If she does her job consistently well, keep your opinions to yourself and keep developing trust by being in service and doing everything in your power to help her succeed. Find what is working—what she does well—and focus on that. Then over time, if things work out and if she asks, you can give her feedback about the ways she turns people off—in the service of her professional development and career growth. She probably won’t ever ask and that’s okay. By then, who knows? She might even have grown on you.

If she doesn’t perform well, and doesn’t respond to requests for changes, then presumably she won’t last in the organization and your problem is solved.

Be kind. Be fair. Be grateful she isn’t your boss. Cut her a little slack. If necessary, walk away or breathe deep and look away. Remember, she is just a person trying to get through the day like everybody else.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

1. If you believe others control your future
2. If you hate to learn new things—especially about yourself
3. If you believe you have all the answers
4. If you believe feedback is a waste of time
5. If you believe the coach is there to give you advice (that you wouldn’t want to take anyway)
6. If you have been greatly successful without help from anyone else

However, if you are open to new ideas, are willing to try new things, and have an unshakeable belief in your ability to get better, a coach can help you take your first steps in a new direction. If this describes you—or someone you know—then don’t waste a minute. Find a coach who can help you along the way. A bigger life awaits you!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

I was recently convinced by senior team members to hire someone for my team who is overqualified for the position.

I am trained in Situational Leadership® II and it has served me well – but my new hire won’t let me use it.

He is competent in some aspects of the job, but he is totally ignorant of our culture and the way things get done here. This person is in such a hurry that he is not listening to my direction. He continuously challenges my decisions and authority.

He undoubtedly has skill and experience, but his enthusiasm is not being applied where it will serve the team and his onboarding success. I’m afraid he’s going to step off in front of the wrong people and land us both in hot water. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

Struggling Leader

Dear Struggling Leader,

Oh dear. May we all, please, be spared having a new employee pressed upon us by the higher-ups? It so rarely ends well. Overqualification isn’t always a terrible thing—but the person you hire needs to have a secure enough ego to come in with a beginners’ mindset and have some respect for the person who hired them.

But here you are holding the bag, so it is probably in your best interest to at least try to salvage the situation. You need to go at this head on. Sit this guy down and tell him that his unwillingness to listen to you is going to cause big problems for both of you—and that if he doesn’t slow down and pay attention, you will have no choice but to let him go during his probationary period.

You can also have compassion for his position. He has great transferable skills, knows what he is doing, and has tons of experience.

You can also ask him to appreciate your position better. Explain that you don’t believe he understands how he needs to do things to be successful in this particular environment. Be clear that you are on his side and that your intention is to help him be successful. Share your concerns about his inability to take advantage of your experience in the organization.

Finally, share the Situational Leadership® II model with him. Explain that although he has transferable skills, he still needs to learn the ropes in the new organization and your job is to make sure he knows how to do that.

Explain that you want to start with tight oversight and supervision and that you will back off and loosen up as soon as you see ample evidence that he isn’t going to step off in front of the wrong people and land you both in hot water.

In all cases, stay neutral and non-judgmental. If he just can’t hear it, nip it in the bud and let him go. If he seems to get it and yet still doesn’t comply, you owe him one more try. He may genuinely not get it. But he also may be “yessing” you, in which case—nip it in the bud.

Document every infraction, every conversation and agreement, so that if you are called to account by these higher-ups you can explain exactly how things went down.

Be fierce, Struggling Leader. Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am the new regional sales head of a large pharmaceutical company. I have put together a team of real stars. One of my team members (I’ll call him Bob) is a young man I brought with me from my old company. He is a fast learner and a hard worker, and we get along really well.

Here’s my problem. My boss has informed me that Bob is regularly taking meetings with my boss’s peers, which he has no business reason to do. My executive assistant, who also works for two other execs and is dialed into to everything and everyone, has told me point blank that Bob is talking trash about me to others outside the department.

What the heck? Why is this kid stabbing me in the back? And what should I do about it?

Fly in The Ointment

Dear Fly in The Ointment,

Congratulations on your new gig. Isn’t there always a fly? Here is what you should do:

Who knows why Bob is doing this—but the better question is: who knows if he really is? You don’t want to jump to conclusions. So first, take a big breath, step back, and make sure you have your facts straight. Regarding the skip-level meetings, maybe Bob is being smart and looking for a mentor. Perhaps your EA has an ulterior motive and is feeding you incorrect information. It’s also possible someone is being really Machiavellian and the EA is being manipulated. You may think I am kidding, but I have seen it. There is really no end the political shenanigans in organizations—and in big pharma the mayhem is legend. It’s hard to know what is essentially rumors and gossip. You may find that the drama is being created by someone else and it has nothing to do with Bob. Put on your detective hat, enroll some people you trust, and get the scoop.

If it turns out that you are being stabbed in the back, discuss it with your boss so you know he or she has your back no matter what. Then go at it head-on and confront Bob. Tell him you know what is going on, that you won’t tolerate it, and that it needs to stop right now. Don’t discuss it—he will deny and ask for an explanation and you will fall into the trap of making your case. Don’t do it. Just say, “I know what you are up to and I won’t tolerate it, and you need to stop it right now. If you have feedback for me I expect you to give it me, and I request that you not discuss it with anyone else. If you continue to trash me to others, I will be forced to take action.” I am a fan of this approach because it models direct communication and courage. Of course, if the behavior continues, you will have to fire him.

Now, you could go subterfuge and make it hard for the kid to succeed. Just slowly, quietly, reduce his access to you and resources and accounts. This is what most people would do. Employees are frozen out of their jobs all the time by managers who can’t face a direct conversation. I am not a fan of this approach because you are stooping to his level with the same type of indirect behavior he is using to hurt you. Is this the behavior you want to role model for your team of stars? I think not. But it is an option.

What you can’t do is nothing. You did the kid a favor, so it might be hard to get your head around the fact that he might be intentionally hurting you and gunning for your job—but that also happens all the time.

What you also can’t do is try to have a deep, heartfelt conversation with him about it. If Bob is out to get you, he has lost the assumption of best intentions and goodwill. You do not owe him the courtesy of a challenging conversation. You are smart to worry, but don’t launch into action until you know exactly what you are dealing with. Then decide your approach and be strong and firm.

Courage!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

Can you clear something up for me? I have been told by a former coach and others that I need to be more “authentic.” But I have also just received feedback in a performance review that I am too brusque, condescending, and cold. And if one more person tells me they are intimidated by me, I am going to scream.

True, I’m not warm and fuzzy—I never have been and never will be. I am extremely analytical and I do tend to cut to the chase whenever possible. I get an amazing amount of work done, I always hit my goals, and people come to me for answers. And yet, it appears that my direct reports and some peers want me to be nicer.

So which is it? Should I just go ahead and be authentic? Or should I try harder to be nice?

Confused and Fed Up

Dear Confused and Fed Up,

Oh, how I loathe the exhortation to be authentic. There are simply too many individual interpretations of what that word actually means.

All kinds of agendas are behind the call for authenticity, but the only one I agree with is that we all need to avoid trying to be something we’re not at the risk of being seen as fake or insincere.

I completely understand your confusion, so let’s clear this up: You should be as much yourself as possible—but the best possible version of it—and never totally yourself. And in your case, smile a lot more than is natural.

The key is to observe yourself. Reflect on what your true self really is and what behaviors are most natural to you. Then pay attention to what others are most comfortable with and regulate your natural behavior to the extent possible to increase their comfort level. This is called Emotional Intelligence—and the more you practice, the better you will get at it.

For a little more depth, I recommend a deep dive into understanding personality types so that you can figure out how you are different from other people, why it matters, and what to do about it. Here are a few resources:

David Keirsey on personality types

Linda Berens’ work on Temperament Theory

Jim Harden and Brad Dude’s What Makes You Tick

For example, I suspect you will find you have a dominant temperament that Keirsey calls Rational. It is driven by core psychological needs to achieve mastery, self-control, knowledge, and competence.

Your gifts of being an excellent systems thinker, a natural problem solver, and someone generally unaffected by regular conventions have a shadow side. People who are not like you (approximately 93 percent of the world) may perceive you as cold, unemotional, and condescending.

It would indeed be very inauthentic for you to try to be warm and fuzzy, but there is an argument to be made for being polite, which is simply a discipline, and kind, which may be more of a stretch and will require fairly intense self-regulation.

To avoid being fake, use your analytical skills to investigate each of your colleagues and pinpoint something to admire and thus a reason to respect them. Find something to care about for each person you work with by using your considerable intellect to put yourself in their shoes. And remember, it takes all kinds.

Do tell the truth as you see it—just not the way you are hearing it in your head. You will have to translate your thoughts; e.g.: “Good grief, that is the stupidest idea I have ever heard,” to something like “another idea might be to…”.

The good news is that you can leverage your drive for mastery and competence to become easier to get along with, without having to fundamentally change who you are—which is good, because that isn’t possible. The bad news is that it will require some effort on your part. And the other bad news is that we are all going to have to hear more about authenticity in the future.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Coaches at Blanchard have learned a few things over the years about performance coaching.

• Instead of asking for help early, managers tend to either go it alone in trying to improve performance or they spend too much time documenting problems and talking to HR about their frustrations. By the time they call for a coach, they are hoping for a miracle.
• When performance coaching is done too late, it does not work. Often at this point an employee is interested only in seeking another position within the firm or even creating an exit strategy to get out of the organization altogether.

When we arrive late in the process to coach valued employees who are struggling with performance, we often find a seriously damaged relationship between boss and employee that simply can’t be repaired with a few sessions. In this situation there are 3 options.

1. Coach the employee – but with realistic expectations. Coaching does not offer a personality transplant. If the employee isn’t a good fit for the organization, recognize it, discuss it, and help the employee find a better fit.
2. Coach the manager – it is a better investment and can have positive impact on leader growth. Put the investment with the person who will stay, not the person who will probably leave.
3. Get clear about the ideal outcome. If the manager feels in their gut or heart that the employee’s performance will never be up to par, then do what needs to be done so all parties can move on.

The best time to work with a coach is well before performance slips far enough to warrant an improvement plan. If you really truly need and want to save an employee, review the information above and bring in a coach early on, when performance problems are still able to be resolved.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

In working with clients on setting One Minute Goals, Blanchard would often have managers and their direct reports identify their top five goals separately and then compare them.

As Ken Blanchard tells it, “Any similarity between the two lists was purely coincidental—especially later in the year.” In most cases, the work priorities were rank ordered quite differently by manager and direct report, with some important goals missing.

Digging into causes, Blanchard found that a day-to-day emphasis by managers on tasks that were urgent, but not necessarily important, was often to blame. Managers tended to focus on short-term issues when delivering feedback, which caused important long-term goals to fade into the background. Only when performance review came around were the long-term goals reidentified. Of course, by then it was often too late to make any real progress. The result was missed targets and, often, hard feelings.

Don’t let this happen with your team. In addition to setting clear goals at the beginning of the year, take some time, at least quarterly, to check in on what you are emphasizing as urgent.  Maybe priorities have changed.  Maybe the goals are outdated.

Good goal setting is not a once-a-year process.  In the best organizations, goals are reviewed on a regular basis and updated as needed.  Once goals are set, be sure to continually manage and review performance to stay on track throughout the year.

Some might say, “This is where coaching comes in!”  Wrong.

This is, however, a scenario in which organizational sponsors—a person’s leader and an HR partner—may call on a coach as a last-ditch effort to fix someone they see as a problem employee.  How unfortunate for coaching to be framed as some kind of desperate measure!  The employee hasn’t been trained well, hasn’t been clearly communicated with, likely knows they are failing, and probably feels anxious.

The purpose of coaching is not to “fix” people. People don’t want to be fixed. Even attempting such a thing would be a misuse of coaching. The value of coaching is it accelerates the achievements of capable people through partnership with a professional coach.

So, what should a coach do in the scenario above? Tell the truth. Have a compassionate truth-telling session with the organizational sponsors before the individual in question is even involved.

• In considering the opportunity, a skilled coach needs to make sure the sponsors have given the person crystal-clear feedback on what is not working, behavioral examples of what a change would look like, and some clear consequences if the employee fails to change.
• The sponsors need to know that they may not ask a coach to tell the person being coached something that person has never heard before.
• Even if the person being coached does make significant changes, people around them may not see or acknowledge the changes. It is difficult to change stakeholders’ impressions, even in the face of direct evidence.
• There is always the possibility that the employee is in the wrong job or the wrong organization. Some people realize through coaching that they need a different environment in order to be successful. The sponsors should know that one of the results of coaching may be the employee choosing to leave the organization. Conversely, if it is determined thorough coaching that the employee simply is not capable of making the necessary changes, they may need to be let go.

A capable professional coach will courageously address all these points with the organizational sponsors and ask them to honestly consider the viability of coaching success at this point. If sponsors and coach agree to proceed, all stakeholders must work together up front to identify and agree to clear and measurable outcomes (i.e., success measures), which the sponsors would share with the employee prior to the launch of coaching.

Finally, for all concerned, there should be a check-in meeting between the coach and the organizational sponsors 45 days into the coaching. At this meeting, the coach would offer to stop the coaching if they feel the employee is not willing, ready, or able to make the required changes.

Unfortunately, turnaround coaching is often proposed too late for an employee’s success. However, with true partnership between the coach and organizational sponsors in creating clarity, the coach can provide exceptional service and value to both the organization and the employee receiving coaching.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Hi Madeleine,

I run a business where we manage large projects and serve customers all day long. I have a new hire who just isn’t working out. She is rude to customers and makes constant errors. She needs to have instructions repeated again and again and just can’t seem to retain anything.

Last week I told her that it is possible she is not suited for our business and she might be happier doing something else. I was as diplomatic as I know how to be. She insisted she loves it here and that this is what she wants to do. Then she went and told everyone that I think she is terrible and I hate her.

What a mess. What on earth do I do now?

Made a Mess

Dear Made a Mess,

I’m not sure you can salvage this situation—and even if you could, I’m not sure you should. You may be right that your employee is not suited to the role if she not only has the undesirable qualities you first mentioned but also gossips to anyone who will listen.

My first instinct is to advise you cut your losses and let her go.

My second, more kind instinct is to suggest you sit down with her to have the difficult conversation. Explain that you don’t hate her; in fact, you want to help her succeed and do a reset.

My third instinct is to let you know that in my 28 years of coaching, I have not once had a client regret letting go of an employee that was taking up the bulk of their waking hours. So there you go.

To avoid this kind of thing in the future, put some focus on business fundamentals.

Hiring: My experience and research shows that hiring is 90 percent of the battle in getting the right fit for the role. Attention to detail and service orientation are inborn traits that are hard—maybe impossible—to train to people who don’t have them. As they say, it is easier to hire a squirrel than to train a chicken to climb a tree. It sounds like you could use some behavioral interviewing techniques. Once you find a new employee who seems to be a good fit, start with a three-month trial before going to a full time contract. This will give both you and the new hire time to assess the job and culture fit.

Onboarding: When you find that you’re always repeating yourself, it may be best to use checklists or put step-by-step instructions in writing. Create a manual accessible for new employees to review. You will also want to state your values, in writing. For example, if it is not okay for employees to gossip, this should spelled out in your values.

Use Situational Leadership® II: Our flagship product at The Ken Blanchard Companies is essentially a prescription for foolproof performance management, in which a leader provides exactly what the employee needs to be successful at any task or goal. You can read more about it here. In your case, you would need to provide consistent and repeated clear direction to help your employee succeed. Perhaps you aren’t good at that—or maybe she just can’t or won’t follow directions. In any event, this is a very worthwhile leadership model to know about.

It sounds as if you have been flying by the seat of your pants when it comes to performance management up until now. You’ll avoid trouble like this again in the future if you put some processes and systems in place to protect yourself from time sinks and embarrassments moving forward.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I know I am supposed to have regular one on one meetings with my employees and I have been doing it for a long time. It works well—I feel more connected to each of them and they are all doing really well.

Except one.

I have one direct report who is very good at her job—but during her one on one meetings with me, she literally never stops talking. I can’t get a word in edgewise. It is a one-hour wall of words. In fact, she often can’t stop so the meeting goes late. Worst of all, she doesn’t seem to leave these meetings the better for having had them.

Not surprisingly, I have begun to dread our one on ones. She repeats herself and goes in circles and it is just so tedious. Every meeting with her feels like a colossal waste of time for both of us. How can I fix this?

Swamped by Words

Dear Swamped by Words,

Congratulations on doing one on ones—this process will serve you well for the rest of your professional life.

It is important to remember that a key differentiator of a one on one meeting is that it is the employee’s agenda. So in the end, if that is how she wants to use her time, it really is up to her. But you can try to help her get more out of the time.

You will need to be patient at this point, however—because by allowing this behavior, you have accidently trained it. And you will now have to un-train it.

The first step is to tell your direct report you are concerned she is not getting as much value from her one on ones as she might. Ask her if she would be interested in making them more valuable. If she says no, well, there you have it. If she says yes, you can ask her to prepare for them by thinking about the following questions:

• What have you accomplished?
• What did you want to accomplish that you didn’t?
• What are you proud of?
• What could you use help with?

Share that the people who get the most of out their one on ones keep a running list of topics throughout the week and submit a short, written agenda prior to their meeting, which keeps them on track.

Also, during the meeting you can gently stop your employee when she is ranting by asking her “What is most important for you to express right now?” This can help with prioritization.

When she repeats herself, one strategy you can use is to repeat back what she has said so she knows that you have fully heard her. If speed and flow of words continue to increase, you can help calm her brain down by literally saying, gently: “Stop. Let’s take a breath here.”

The key—and this requires discipline—is to stay calm, be kind, park your judgment, and stay neutral.

Finally, I have to ask if this employee does this elsewhere at work. Is she driving her coworkers crazy? Are her clients avoiding her? Because if this is the case, you have a whole other problem and you need to give her direct feedback and possibly even recommend some help.

But let’s stick with this first step for now. One on ones are an important communication tool and it’s important to get this right.

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am about eight months into my first senior department manager position at a government agency.  I have a lot of experience in this sector and was brought in to shake things up and make some changes.  My boss literally told me that my job is to kick *ss and take names. 

After I had been on board a short while, everyone at my level underwent a 360 degree assessment—including me.  My results were terrible. 

My direct supervisor, her boss, and I had all thought I was doing really well, but my nine direct reports were brutal.  The open-ended comments were particularly mean. I have included the report for your review.

I know this is all on them, because I graduated from top schools and have had an extremely successful career so far. I took a look at the whole picture when I first took the job and I really do know exactly how to fix things—but I can’t get anyone to do what I tell them. What to do?

They Hate Me

Hi They Hate Me,

Wow.  They really do.  I have never seen results quite like this.  Clearly, your plan was to come in, decide on what changes needed to be made, and enforce all new ways of doing things.  But after reading the comments, it appears to me that you are not attempting to get any input at all from your team, who has been in the trenches for a long time.

The way I see it, you have two options:  continue the way you have been doing things—which will probably result in your needing to fire everyone and start fresh (tricky to do in a government agency); or figure out how to win hearts, minds and followership.  You simply aren’t going to succeed here unless you get your people on your side. I have written often about Power Dynamics, which explains that you are at the mercy of the fact that people can and will exercise their fundamental right to withhold cooperation.

The rest of what you need to know could easily be a book, and has been written about at length by the leadership greats.  Consider picking up The New One Minute Manager, because it boils things down simply and well.  In the meantime, here are some quick ideas for how you may improve your situation.

1. Get clear about the strategies and goals of your new regime. Spend time explaining what, how, and why to the whole team.  Get input on it all, listen carefully, and consider all ideas.
2. Publish, in writing, the final strategy and goals and once again explain the why and how.
3. Do not withhold information to use as a power tool. Share all of it.
4. Catch people doing things right, and praise publicly.
5. Re-direct when needed, in private, kindly.
6. If it doesn’t need to be said, don’t say it.
7. If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut. Never, ever call people names.
8. Remember how much power you have and how vulnerable your people (obviously) feel.

Intelligence and being right is only the ante to get into the game.  To actually win the game, you have to win people over.  This is often startling news to people—you are not alone.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I like my boss and I think she is smart—but she is a total flake.

She loses documents, she is always late, and she can’t seem to understand how our calendaring system works so she misses meetings because they aren’t on her calendar. 

This isn’t obvious just to us, her team; her peers and her boss have noticed it, too. On a recent video conference call, we were all waiting for her. I was texting her to see where she was, and I saw one of her peers roll his eyes.  It kills me. 

She is super creative and visionary, she gets a lot done, and people respect her.  But I keep seeing her shoot herself in the foot, and I can’t stand it. 

I want to say something to her.  Should I?

Want to Manage Up

Dear Want to Manage Up,

No.  You can’t go at this directly.  The only way you might have an opportunity to give feedback is if you were invited to be a participant in some kind of 360-degree feedback process.

I can tell you care about your boss and you want to help. I really can.  But this situation is just too fraught and if you get involved, you will almost certainly lose.  You have heard the old adage no good deed goes unpunished—and I can assure you this would be the case for you.

Here is what you can do:

• You can offer help with the scheduling system. Say something like “Hey, I figured out some really cool features about (name of system). Would you like me to walk you through some of them?”  Then show her things that may be obvious to you, but not to her.  I think this is a common problem. I constantly get meeting requests from people who should be able to see that I am already booked. It is maddening.
• You can send her reminders for meetings you know you are both expected to attend. You can also check in on projects she is supposed to deliver on, to see if they are on her radar.  I share some of your boss’s traits and I have a direct report who does this for me.  I really appreciate it.
• You can report behaviors you see. Say “Hey, I just wanted you to know that Joe rolled his eyes in front of everyone when you were late for the review meeting yesterday. I thought you might want to know.”

It is possible that one fine day your boss will ask you directly for feedback and you can say something. So be ready to point out ways she may be able to increase her credibility in the organization.

Until then, stay subtle, keep watching her back, offer help when you can, and report others’ reactions when possible.  She will notice—and it will add up to her knowing you have good intentions and she can depend on you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I just started a new position with an organization that is pretty young in the association world. I accepted the job because everyone gets along really well and works as a team to accomplish yearly goals.

This type of culture is something I didn’t experience at my previous place of employment, but I was intensely craving it.  

I am in a leadership role and am responsible for creation and development of programs. My position is fairly new and the person who held it before me is still with the company. 

Here are my questions: 

• I love the close bond everyone has with each other, but it’s hard to see where I fit in with the team. Everyone has strengthened their bond over time and there is no way I can catch up. We have fewer than 10 people in the office. How do I develop relationships with everyone when it appears cliques are already established? 
• There is a ton of ambiguity in my position since it’s fairly new. What questions should I ask to get a clear understanding of expectations? 
• When is too soon to make organization recommendations? From an outsider’s perspective, I see a couple of things that if changed would benefit the organization. However, I’ve been on board for less than four months.  

Looking for Friends 

Dear Looking for Friends,

First, congratulations on finding the culture you’ve been looking for. It sounds like you have a terrific opportunity to thrive and make an impact. Now to your excellent questions.

Don’t worry about making friends—instead, seek to create amicable and productive working relationships. This will take the pressure off you and everyone else. The people who will end up being your friends will emerge as a byproduct of you being yourself and producing great results over time. You can’t force it.

Since it is such a small office, I’d suggest asking each person for a one-on-one meeting—either an official in-office meeting, or a coffee or a beer. Start with each person by asking about them, their role, and their goals, which will help you understand how to support others in achieving their goals while you pursue your own. Then ask them what they love about their jobs and what they think their strengths are. This will help you know who to go to for help in ways they will appreciate. This part of the meeting will endear you to just about everyone—because you can’t underestimate how delighted people are to talk about themselves!

After that, to find out about their expectations of you, ask simple questions like:

• If I am successful in this role, what will we have in six to nine months that we don’t have yet?
• What do you think a home run would look like?
• Is there anything I should not be focusing on?
• What can I do to make your job easier?
• What do you think I need to know?

Listen carefully, take notes, don’t argue with what you think are terrible ideas, and don’t make any promises. Do brainstorm around ideas you think have merit, ask questions, and say thank you.

You should definitely spend some time with the person who previously had your job—and make sure you understand what their hopes and dreams are for the role.

Now let be me clear: I am not suggesting you actually have to do everything people think you should do. You may decide to do some things based on these conversations, and you can give credit to whoever’s idea it was, but mainly you are getting to know people, developing relationships, and acquiring a bird’s eye perspective of how you can add value to the organization.

While you are at it, let each person know they can always feel free to come to you with further ideas or feedback. So now you have opened a door and made sure people know it will stay open.

Presumably, your boss has given you some clue as to what is expected of you. If not, after all of your interviews, you can formulate your own thoughts about priorities and run them by your boss to make sure you are on the same page. Then you will have a plan you can feel good about.

Regarding how soon is too soon to make recommendations, now is definitely too soon. There is nothing like fresh eyes for uncovering inefficiencies or outmoded processes. That’s what makes it so hard to keep your mouth shut. But if you are smart, you will do exactly that. Over time—and there is no rule of thumb about how much time—you will understand why things are done in certain ways. You will be right about some of the potential changes, but you will have to earn the right to voice a strong opinion. How? By keeping your head down, being easy to work with, and doing excellent work. When you begin adding unquestioned value to the organization, people will ask you for your opinion and you won’t have to worry if it is welcome or not!

As you move forward to craft your action plan and launch yourself into execution, make sure you include many people in your plans and activities. Before you know it, people will be coming to you to share ideas and get input on their projects, good things will start happening, and you will be “in.” Stay focused on your work and you won’t even notice it happening—you will just wake up one day and realize that it has.

So happy for you. I am sure you will be brilliant and have as many friends as you need.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly new marketing manager for a large consumer goods firm. I have three great people who work for me—I inherited them, so I lucked out. We function like a well-oiled machine.

The problem is my boss. She was promoted about two years ago and now oversees several managers of different teams. She has always been a great boss and excellent work partner. She is smart, creative, and talented—everybody acknowledges that. However, over the last year she has become progressively more difficult. I send her drafts for feedback and she doesn’t get back to me until way after the agreed upon deadline, if at all.

Because our pieces are always part of something larger, we often have to submit our work without her feedback. But then she gets upset and wants to make changes, which puts the whole marketing department in an uproar. On top of everything else, her feedback is often inconsistent with what she had said she wanted in the first place.

I know she has a lot on her plate and is probably overwhelmed, but this situation is causing serious stress for me and my team.

Boss Acting Weird

Dear Boss Acting Weird,

You are probably right about your boss having too much on her plate and being overwhelmed. Being a senior marketing leader is a massive job. The field has become complicated and consumer goods is a fiercely competitive area. In addition, it sounds as if she might have something going on at home or with her health that she isn’t talking about. I hate to speculate, but this is usually the reason dependable people suddenly change their pattern.

So first, I would say: cut her some slack.

Second, because of your long history together, I think you owe it to your boss to ask for a one-on-one and share your concerns with her. If no one is giving her feedback, she may think she is coping better than she actually is. This plan, of course, is risky. Practice what you might say to make sure you don’t sound critical—no one likes to be criticized. Stay focused on events that have transpired and the effect they have had on your team. Be clear and concise and don’t repeat yourself. Tell your boss that you are sharing with her not to complain but because you thought she would want to know.

You may choose to do nothing, but that would be easier to do if you were the only one who was suffering. Ah, the joys of leadership. At the risk of repeating myself in every column, communication is almost always the solution, and in this case it will uncomfortable but will most probably pay off.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I am a senior leader in a large commercial services organization. I spent many years learning how to make good use of an assistant and I’ve always made sure I had a great one. Over the last few years, the company has been reducing the size of the administration group and I have had to share an assistant with other executives. That was okay because I was self-sufficient, had my act together, and would set things up so my stuff always got done.

Until now. Two other executives and I were recently given a new assistant and he is a walking disaster.

He doesn’t write things down, he doesn’t remember anything, and he doesn’t seem to understand the most basic office software—for example, I had to teach him some basic calendaring skills and then he didn’t remember. Some days I think he is on some kind of drug because he is so laid back and spaced out.

My problem is I have started to take back all the tasks I would usually delegate, which is adding an extra 90 minutes to my already packed days. Why not just go to HR and replace him, you ask? He is the nephew of the CEO and sucks up shamelessly to the other two executives, who don’t really know how to use an assistant so they don’t really care that he is incompetent.

I need help! What do you think?

My Assistant is Terrible

Dear My Assistant is Terrible,

Wow—I am so sorry. I tell my clients all the time that they are only as good as their assistant, so I can certainly understand your predicament. It sounds like you are dealing with a bunch of different issues here—and one of them is political.

Your first line of defense is to sit down with your new assistant, explain what a good job looks like, and create a step-by-step plan for him to get up to speed. Be kind and patient—we can’t have nephew Fred reporting negative things about you. Document each and every interaction, task, and goal, every dropped ball, every instance of incompetence. You might be surprised that he is not the numb nut you think he is when he has proper direction. On the other hand, if he IS what you think he is, you will have flawless documentation to support your case. The most entrenched nepotism can’t ignore terrible performance, but you must have your documentation.

In the meantime, do meet with HR to lodge your initial complaint and let them know what you are doing. You can ask nicely to be reassigned to a real assistant as well. Are there any terrific assistants working for others? Maybe get yourself moved to one of them. You might also make the case for needing your own full-time assistant if you can show how much more you produce when you have the right kind of help. That 90 minutes a day adds up to more than a week’s work each month—and goodness knows what else you could be doing with that 45 hours. One more option, and I know this sounds nuts but I have seen it done: consider hiring a virtual assistant outside of the organization and paying for that person yourself. It may be impossible because it would require access to calendars and email, so the organization would have to approve, but there may be a variation on the idea that could work.

Don’t despair. If the nepotism situation is as out of control as you think, your guy will be promoted soon. If it isn’t, he will be gone, and you will still have your reputation.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Here are five of the most important techniques coaches use in their conversations with clients.

Consider how these techniques could help the managers in your organization be more coach-like in their communication style.

• Be fully present. Practice being fully present in your conversations with people. Avoid distractions, give undivided attention, and show you care. Of course, we all know this is easier said than done—but this alone can go a long way toward building trust.

• Get, and keep, the conversation focused. It is easier to help a direct report move forward, faster, if they are the one who declares a specific focus for the discussion. Having them establish a focus creates a more deliberate and intentional conversation. Keep in mind there will be times when the conversation goes off topic. When it does, the manager is expected to get the conversation back on track.

• Ask mostly open-ended questions, especially those starting with what and how. Open-ended questions promote discovery for the other person. The most essential questions coaches ask are what and how questions that help direct reports discover their own answers or course of action.

• Stay action focused. Help the direct report create a plan of action that will move them forward. Share coaching questions such as “What do you think you need to do now?” As much as possible, keep the ownership of the plan, and any actions, in the direct report’s court. Actions they take may turn out to be excellent growth opportunities. Keeping the ball in the other court allows managers to get on to other things on their to-do list.

• Follow up. Check in with direct reports on their progress, their learnings, and any challenges they might be facing. Doing this helps them keep what they said they would do top of mind. It also shows them again that you care—which is never a bad thing.

There are many ways for managers to incorporate a coaching style to help people develop more competence and confidence. The ideas above are in no way a complete list, but I encourage you to have the managers in your organization give them a try. Practicing coach-like behaviors in your conversations creates a learning environment not only for those you coach, but for you as well.

Let me know how it goes!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

In reviewing research for the redesign of Blanchard’s Self Leadership program, Fowler found compelling evidence that suggests the single most essential ingredient in organizational success is the proactive behavior of individual contributors.

Drawing on research from several recent studies (see references below), Fowler points to individual behaviors that lead to broader organizational success.

• Proactively seeking feedback
• Learning how to sell solutions to problems
• Taking charge to effect change
• Getting needs met for direction and support

The bottom line? Organizations benefit from training their workforce in self leadership skills.

As Fowler shares in the video below, “Leadership is a two-sided coin.” Organizations are best served by investing in not only traditional leadership training for managers but also self leadership training for direct reports. When leaders and direct reports have a shared purpose and a common language, the results are that much more powerful.

What’s the Impact of Having Self Leaders?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q18t_ya_OhA

For more information on the impact self leadership can have on overall organizational success, check out Blanchard’s new white paper, Developing Self Leaders–A Competitive Advantage for Organizations, which looks at the correlations between a self leader’s proactive behaviors, optimal motivational outlooks, and the intentions of employee work passion.

You can download a copy of this white paper at the Blanchard website.

References

Goal Orientation and Work Role Performance: Predicting Adaptive and Proactive Work Role Performance through Self-Leadership Strategies. Marques-Quinterio, P. and Curral, L. A., The Journal of Psychology, 2012.

Serving one another: Are shared and self-leadership keys to service sustainability? Manz, C. et. al., Journal of Organizational Behavior, 2015.

Thinking and Acting in Anticipation: A Review of Research on Proactive Behavior. Wu, C. and Parker, S., Advances in Psychological Science, 2013.

Self-leadership in organizational teams: A multilevel analysis of moderators and mediators. Konradt, U., AndreBen, P., & Ellwart, T., European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology, 2008.

“Rarely do we hear each other’s voices these days,” says Pat Zigarmi, leadership expert and founding associate with The Ken Blanchard Companies. “Communication becomes a series of one-way texts. It’s kind of like a ping-pong ball going back and forth.”

In the April edition of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Ignite newsletter Zigarmi questions whether this ping-pong approach encourages bad communication habits among managers—especially when it comes to providing direction and support.

“A basic principle of our approach to leadership is that a portion of managerial conversations should be focused on other people’s needs, not just the manager’s needs. But today’s communication is often all about whatever agenda the manager is pushing.”

“In our Situational Leadership® II training program, we teach that leadership is most effective when it is done side by side. That doesn’t happen with one-way communication such as ‘Answer my questions right away!’ or ‘Get me what I need now!’

“In rapid-fire, back-and-forth communication, there is no opportunity for the leader to ask ‘How is this sitting with you?’ ‘How does this stack up with your other priorities?’ or ‘What else do you need to know?’”

Zigarmi explains that if productive conversations aren’t happening between manager and direct report, competence is not going to be built, motivation is not going to be addressed, and confidence is not going to be developed.

“Real conversation is give-and-take,” reminds Zigarmi.

In today’s busy work environment, we must maintain a balance between the quick transfer of information the leader needs and meaningful conversations that focus on the needs of others. Communication at its best helps team members build their competence, motivation, and confidence on the goals and tasks they need to accomplish.

Would you like to learn more about improving the performance related conversations taking place in your organization?  Join us for a free webinar!

Situational Leadership® II— Keys to High Quality Conversations at Work

Thursday, May 4, 2017, 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

To improve the level of engagement and performance among team members, managers must increase the quality of their conversations with the people they lead. That’s the message best-selling author and leadership expert Dr. Patricia Zigarmi will be sharing in this webinar that looks at the ways managers—new and experienced alike—can improve the way they communicate.

Drawing on three decades of experience co-authoring, teaching, and measuring the impact of Blanchard’s flagship program Situational Leadership® II, Dr. Zigarmi will share how leaders can increase their effectiveness directing and supporting the work of others.

You’ll learn:

• How to help leaders be more purposeful and intentional in their conversations
• How to create a sense of partnership with each direct report by aligning on goals, development level, and the matching leadership style
• How to create a work environment that is optimally motivating
• How to use a common language of leadership to develop trust

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn how to partner with team members, peers, and colleagues in a side-by-side relationship. Discover how the focused conversations of a Situational Leader, tailored to each team member’s individual needs, can greatly improve engagement and performance.

Register today if you:

• Don’t know much about Situational Leadership® II, (SLII®) the most widely used leadership model in the world
• Know about SLII® but want to see what’s new
• Want to learn more about best practices in implementing Situational Leadership® II in your organization

LEARN MORE

Dear Madeleine,

I am a young entrepreneur just getting off the ground with my own startup.  I have been told by several people that I should have an advisory board. 

Can you tell me what that is, what would it do for me, and how I should go about creating one?

Advice Needed

Dear Advice Needed,

Is it too obvious for me to tell you to ask the same questions of these several people who are telling you to get a board?  There is a good chance that they will have an interesting point of view.  But of course, I have one too.

There is what I consider to be a universal law that informs my response to this.  I learned this from one of my mentors, Thomas Leonard, and 25 years of experience have proven him right: “Anything worth doing is worth getting help with.”

So.  Yeah.  Get yourself an advisory board.  Choose the smartest people you know who have a wide variety of business and professional experience and your best interests at heart, and rope them into helping you.  Be clear about what the commitment is (how many hours a year, for example) so people know what they are getting into. Successful people love to help young up and comers—some do it because they are genuinely kind, and others do it so that when you are crushing it they can boast that they had a hand in your success. Some people will say no, and that’s OK.

But here’s the thing:  once you get them, use them.  I have been asked at least three times to be on someone’s board, had my name appear on their websites or stationery (back in the day when we used to put actual letters in the mail to communicate), and then was never asked to attend a single meeting or review a single business plan.  Zip.  Nada.  Nothing.  Here I was, all dressed up and ready to help, and I heard not a peep.

So you will want to brainstorm, possibly with your folks, how to structure your interactions to get the most out of your support crew.  Advisory boards can be used to:

• give professional advice (or direct you to someone who can)
• provide insight
• engage in creative problem solving
• play devil’s advocate
• challenge you
• celebrate your success
• and—maybe most important—keep you from making mistakes they have made. Pragmatic people take a special kind of pleasure in helping others avoid mistakes that have cost them dearly.

Maybe the biggest advantage of an advisory board is that a regular meeting, with commitments around deliverables for discussion, is an extremely powerful form of accountability. I highly recommend that you set up quarterly or bi-annual conference calls far in advance. (Use a platform like Zoom so everyone can see each other—it is way more fun.)  And please note: it’s important that you prepare for these calls.  There is nothing quite as motivating as telling a group of people you respect that you will have a copy of your business plan or your latest financials in their inbox 48 hours before the next meeting.  You are much more likely to get the job done, even if you have to pull an all-nighter, if the alternative is showing up unprepared and making excuses. The more you treat your board like a group of professionals for whom time is the most valuable resource, the more likely they are to show up and add value.  And the more your board shows up and adds value, the more professional and accountable you will be.

There are a hundred ways to go about this, so you need more expertise than I can provide. The book you want to get is Game Changing Advisory Boards by Hawfield and Zaepfel.  It provides detailed checklists of everything to think about and excellent examples of ways different companies have built and leveraged boards.

I also recommend that you look into Michael Gerber’s work.  He has spent a lifetime understanding entrepreneurship and has a bunch of books and a website devoted to helping entrepreneurs. http://michaelegerbercompanies.com

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

But how does this really occur? Certainly not with the coach standing there, bullhorn in hand, yelling at the leader to stay on task.

Instead, the coach listens carefully to what really matters to the leader and helps the leader connect the meaning to the activity.

I’ll give you an example. I recently worked with two leaders in different organizations who needed to improve their expense report process. Each was frustrated by a system they saw as unnecessarily complicated and burdensome.

How did each leader determine the best strength to use to get those pesky expense reports completed? Through positive psychology coaching. Founded at the turn of this century, positive psychology is the scientific study of the strengths that enable individuals to thrive. The field is founded on the belief that people want to:

• lead meaningful and fulfilling lives,
• cultivate what is best within themselves, and
• enhance their experiences in all aspects of their lives.

Through coaching, both of these leaders successfully addressed the process of completing their expense reports on time, but in very different ways: for one, it meant employing the strength of perseverance. For the other, it centered on the strength of gratitude.

Both of these strengths were identified by using the Values In Action survey. This is a scientifically validated tool that looks at 24 character strengths and rank orders the strengths of an individual through self-reporting. The VIA survey of character strengths has been taken by more than four million people and can be accessed here: www.viacharacter.org. Character strengths are positive personality core capacities for thinking, feeling, and behaving in ways that can bring benefit to oneself and others—not only at work but also in personal relationships.

The leader with the signature strength of perseverance used the fact that he takes satisfaction in completing tasks and applied that valuable perspective to his expense reports. The other leader focused on her strength of gratitude to get her reports done: she channeled her appreciation for the people who processed the reports as well as the gratitude she felt that her organization supported her travel as well as her training.

How about you? What would your day look like if you led with your signature strengths?

Leaders who purposefully employ a strengths-based approach show greater engagement in their activities including a sense of ownership and authenticity, a rapid learning curve as the strength is applied, and—key to the leaders above—an intrinsic motivation to use the strength.

If you develop the habit of consciously applying your strengths, I suggest you’ll find yourself fueled with a clean source of energy that is unique to you. Take the VIA survey and find out!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

This guest post is by Doug Hung, Director, Blanchard Taiwan.

Every year, China conducts a nationwide college entrance exam for all high school graduates. The exam spans two days and covers Chinese, foreign languages, mathematics, and a student’s choice from one of the humanities (politics, history, geography) or sciences (physics, chemistry, life sciences).

Students are also required to write an essay to demonstrate their critical thinking and analytical capabilities.

In 2016 the national exam board provided a pair of portraits as the essay prompt. Students were asked to write an 800-word essay based on the picture.

In the top example, a student is shown receiving a perfect score of 100 and a resulting kiss on the cheek from a pleased mother, while the other student receives a below 60 percent failing grade with a resulting mother’s slap to represent disapproval. In the bottom example, the passing student scores 98 percent but doesn’t meet his mother’s standards, while the other student barely passes and gets an approving kiss.

This essay prompt points to a truth that is often overlooked when measuring performance at work—the subjective nature of measurement.

Corporations set elaborate guidelines for performance reviews, designed to promote and enhance meritocracy. Yet in reality, all systems have flaws—and when they are carried out by individuals, who have inherent bias, performance evaluations can often overstate or understate an individual’s actual contribution within the organization.

Every organization has both stars and laggards. We tend to shower stars with praise and opportunities; yet, as stars take on more responsibility, the likelihood of them making mistakes gets higher. Is the organization prepared to reward them or to criticize their failures?

On the other hand, oftentimes little is expected of low performers, and organizations are known to direct a substantial amount of resources to manage them. When laggards demonstrate initiative or spurts of excellence, teams seize the moment and shower them with praise in hopes of continuing progress. If an organization and its stewards really hold performance standards equally across all types of performers, all performance results should be treated equally.

Whether one believes management resources are better spent strengthening stars or improving low performers is a matter of debate. The reality is that managers do—and should—inject subjectivity into their evaluations.

The key is to recognize that performance reviews should be clear in definition but flexible enough to acknowledge the nuances that come with human interaction. Failure to do so undermines faith in the objectivity of any performing benchmark.

We all use metrics to measure others and ourselves. As companies continue to examine their performance review processes, we should remember that all metrics are ultimately references of an individual’s contribution. Performance reviews must be used to encourage people to excel. This can be done only through an approach that is objective, constructive, and judgment free.

Frequently I will ask people to respond to this question: “Raise your hand if you are sick and tired of all the praise you receive at work.” How do you think people respond?

No one ever raises their hand.

The truth is most people are starving for more recognition for their efforts and accomplishments. For whatever reason, whether it’s not understanding the importance of praise, being uncomfortable expressing appreciation, or having a twisted perception that praising people will cause them to lose their performance edge, many leaders simply don’t use one of the most powerful tools in their leadership toolbox.

Ken Blanchard has frequently said that if he could choose one thing that defined his legacy as a leadership expert, it would be the importance of “catching people doing something right.”

Why should you care about praising team members? Research, surveys, and studies have shown that praise:

• Contributes to higher levels of engagement
• Helps reduce turnover
• Improves morale
• Builds trust
• Improves manager/employee relationships

Unless delivered effectively, praise can be perceived as hollow or meaningless and actually work against improving employee relationships and performance. To fully leverage the power of praise, remember to:

• Praise genuine achievements, not routine efforts
• Be specific; don’t generalize
• Deliver it as close to the event as possible
• Link the praise to team or company values, goals, or strategies
• Be authentic and genuine; don’t be overly concerned with making it perfect

Giving praise doesn’t cost you anything, except for a little bit of time and effort. Yet it can be one of the most effective tools managers can use to improve employee performance and engagement at work. Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.

Randy Conley is the Vice President of Client Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. His LeaderChat posts appear the fourth or last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

As a coach, listening is one of the key tools I use with my clients. The longer I coach the more I notice what a gift just listening can be for someone—not only for my clients, but also for my family and friends.

Here are three things I keep in mind when I find myself wanting to talk instead of listen.

The listener does not have to add value. Often when someone is sharing a concern, we want to help so much that we jump in with ideas to solve the person’s problem. The truth is, most people are the best subject matter experts of their own lives. They may just need to verbalize their frustrations out loud.

Listening can help others solve their own problems. Your silence allows the other person to dig deeper. Often just listening to someone helps them to get to the root of the situation by venting versus just mentally churning at a superficial level.

The mere act of listening strengthens relationships. When you truly give someone the gift of your time—and your silence—it helps to build mutual trust and respect. Your listening can also help to increase the other person’s confidence and motivation, just by allowing them to feel heard. In the workplace, the positive implications of this simple act are endless.

Are there opportunities where you can practice listening more? Can you resist the urge to jump in with your brilliant ideas or solutions? If you can, you will be giving the exceedingly rare gift of silence. Surprisingly, giving that gift makes people think you’re a great conversationalist too!

Let me know how it goes. (I promise to just listen!)

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Blanchard researchers surveyed 1,800 workers looking at the connections between trust, well-being and coaching behaviors.The research found that trust and well-being were both positively impacted by perceptions of managers engaging in three key behaviors.

1. Facilitation: Helping employees to analyze and explore ways to solve problems and enhance their performance.

2. Guidance: The communication of clear performance expectations and constructive feedback regarding performance outcomes, as well as how to improve.

3. Inspiration: Challenging employees to realize and develop their potential.

Interested in strengthening the manager—direct report relationships in your organization?  A white paper which accompanies the research shares four coaching skills to help managers move away from some typical tendencies—telling people what to do, making assumptions, and solving problems—and instead adopt a coaching mindset. Here are the four skills to get started:

• Listen to Learn: Effective managers listen to learn something they might not have known before. They listen for opportunities to hear a different perspective, to hear new ideas or insights. They listen in service to the person and to the conversation.

• Inquire for Insight: Managers who are great coaches draw the brilliance out of their people. They ask questions that allow their people to share insights and ideas that can benefit projects, tasks, and the team in general. When inquiring for insight, it’s important to focus on the future rather than the past and to avoid placing blame.

• Tell Your Truth: Being direct and candid can be a challenge for anyone, but done properly, telling your truth with others can be empowering to both parties. Because the goal is to create purposeful action through clarity, telling your truth is an opportunity to share observations or give feedback that will help the employee accomplish the goal.

• Express Confidence: Managers who acknowledge direct reports and maintain a respectful, positive regard for their contribution are building the confidence of the people they manage. Expressing confidence allows a manager to preserve a good relationship regardless of the type of conversation being held. Expressing confidence builds self-assurance and enthusiasm.

You can access the white paper and see the complete research report by downloading, Coaching Skills: The Missing Link for Leaders

Research Details:

Approximately 1,850 people participated in the study, including human resource, learning and development, management, and non-management professionals to measure the various dimensions of coaching, trust, affect or emotion, and intentions (i.e., intent to remain with the organization, exert discretionary effort, endorse the organization, perform well, and be a good organizational citizen).

The measure used for coaching was Heslin’s (et al.) Employee Coaching Measure and the defined behaviors included Facilitation (acting as a sounding board, helping the direct report develop ideas), Inspiration (expressing confidence in the direct report’s ability to improve, and encouraging continuous development and improvement), and Guiding (providing guidance and feedback and providing constructive feedback regarding areas for improvement). The scale measures ten items on a 5-point Likert scale with response possibilities ranging from Not at all to To a very great extent.

The Positive and Negative Affect Scale (PANAS) constructed by Watson and Clark was used as the measure of affect. The PANAS, a semantic differential measure, has ten descriptive items such as Upset, Alert, Inspired, and Nervous, and uses a 5-point Likert scale ranging from Not at all to Strongly.

McAllister’s 11-item Trust scale was used to measure Affective Trust (I can talk freely to my leader to discuss difficulties I am having at work and know that he or she will want to listen) and Cognitive Trust (Given my leader’s track record, I see no reason to doubt his or her competence and preparation to do the job). The scale uses a 7-point Likert scale with response possibilities ranging from Strongly disagree to Strongly agree.

Blanchard’s Work Intention Inventory (WII) was also included; it uses five intention measures, including Intent to exert discretionary effort on behalf of the organization (I intend to volunteer to do things that may not be part of my job), Intent to perform (I intend to work efficiently to achieve all my work goals), Intent to endorse the organization (I intend to talk positively about this organization to family and friends), Intent to remain with the organization (I intend to stay with this organization even if offered a more appealing job elsewhere), and Intent to be a good organizational citizen (I intend to respect this organization’s assets). From earlier research, Blanchard found that these work intentions ultimately predict behavior. When the scores in the five intention scales are high, it’s an indication of the presence of positivity and high levels of work passion. The five intention scales each contain three items and use a 6-point Likert scale with response possibilities ranging from To no extent to To the fullest extent.

References

Fielden, Sandra. 2005. “Literature Review: Coaching Effectiveness—A Summary.” Prepared for the NHS Leadership Centre.

Heslin, Peter A.; Vandewalle, Don; and Latham, Gary P. 2006. “Keen to Help? Managers’ Implicit Person Theories and Their Subsequent Employee Coaching.” Personnel Psychology 59: 871–902.

McAllister, D. J., “Affect and Cognitive-based Trust as Foundations for Interpersonal Cooperation in Organizations.” Academy of Management Journal, 38 (1): (1995) 24-59.

Theeboom, Tim; Beersma, Bianca; and van Vianen, Annelies E.M. 2014. “Does Coaching Work? A Meta-Analysis on the Effects of Coaching on Individual Level Outcomes in an Organizational Context.” The Journal of Positive Psychology (9)1: 1–18.

Watson, D.; Clark, L. A.; Tellegen, A. (1988). “Development and Validation of Brief Measures of Positive and Negative Affect: The PANAS Scales”. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 54 (6): 1063–1070. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.54.6.1063. PMID 3397865.

Zigarmi, D., Nimon, K., Houson, D., Witt, D., and Diehl, J. (2012). The work intention inventory: Initial evidence of construct validity. Journal of Business Administration Research, 1 (1), 24–42. doi: 10.50430/jbar.vlnp24

“As a leader, you need to be on your best behavior all of the time,” says coaching expert Madeleine Blanchard.  “What’s unfortunate is that just when a leader needs increased self awareness, the quality of honest feedback they receive plummets.

“As the leader assumes increased power, followers in the organization start to modify the feedback they provide.  Feedback is more positive.  The boss’s jokes are always funny and their ideas are always good. People begin to suck up to power in a way that distorts reality for the successful executive, who no longer receives the straight scoop.”

“That can lead to blind spots, especially in the areas of communication and trust,” says Randy Conley.  As trust practice leader for The Ken Blanchard Companies, Conley has seen how leaders can struggle—and how they often can be unaware of how they are coming across to others.

“The problems can usually be traced back to one of four areas,” explains Conley.  “A leader’s style can cause negative perceptions of their Ability, Believability, Connectedness, or Dependability.  Negative perceptions in any of these four areas can lead to decreased trust.

That’s why Conley recommends that leaders take the time to conduct a trust audit, which helps them evaluate where they currently stand, make amends where necessary, and modify their behavior going forward.

“It’s a three-step process where leaders assess their current behavior, apologize if they need to, and act more consistently.

“Assessing behavior involves looking at your conduct in four areas,” explains Conley. “In our Building Trust training program we have leaders look at how they are perceived by others in terms of being Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable.  A problem in any one of these four areas will have a negative impact on relationships and the ability of people to work together successfully.

“Able refers to how people see you as being competent in your role.  Do people think you have the skills and experience to get the job done?  Sometimes it is a perception issue; sometimes it is a gap in experience.  Either way, it needs to be addressed.

“Believable is always a perception issue—do you act in ways that are consistent with someone who is honest, truthful, and forthcoming?  This can be a challenge for leaders as they move up in an organization and feel it necessary to share some information on a need-to-know basis.  The problem is that people may perceive the leader is hiding information or not being completely transparent.

“Connected is the relationship aspect of trust.  Do you demonstrate that you care about people—or do you come across as all business?  Working together requires a heart and head connection.  In addition to following you for logical reasons, people also want to follow you for emotional reasons.  Leaders need to check their style and make sure that they aren’t coming across as cold or aloof.

“Dependable means following through on your good intentions.  This trips up a lot of well meaning executives—especially the people pleasers who can’t say ‘no.’  They overcommit themselves and start missing deadlines. They are often surprised to discover how this diminishes people’s trust that they will do what they promise.”

Both Conley and Blanchard caution leaders to be prepared to act on gaps uncovered by the trust audit.

“Make sure you are ready for what you hear,” says Blanchard.  “When you invite people to discuss these potentially sensitive areas, you have to be ready to listen.  Feedback is a gift.  There are only two things an executive should say when they receive feedback—either “thank you” or “tell me more.”

Also, explains Conley, be ready to acknowledge and apologize when necessary.

“You have to own up to areas where you have fallen short. In our program, we train that the most important part of apologizing is being completely sincere—don’t explain, rationalize, or make it the other person’s problem.”

“It’s a simple concept, but one that leaders screw up all the time,” adds Blanchard.  “How many times have we heard a senior leader qualify an apology by saying, ‘I’m sorry if my behavior made you feel that way,’ or by explaining, ‘I was only trying to…’

“Less is more when it comes to apologies,” explains Blanchard. “Just say ‘I’m sorry. I hope you will forgive me for the way I have acted in the past.’ If you need to say more, save it for the next step when you explain how you will act differently in the future.”

“Most leaders are trustworthy.  It’s just their behavior that gets in the way sometimes,” says Conley.

Interested in learning more about adding trust and coaching skills into a leadership development curriculum?  Be sure to check out the Building Trust or Coaching Essentials pages on the Blanchard website.

You can also download copies of the new eBooks

 Do Your Managers Build or Erode Trust

 Great Leaders Don’t Tell You What to Do—They Develop Your Capabilities

Trustworthy behavior leads to trusting relationships. With increased awareness, the willingness to hear feedback, and the humility to apologize for times when trust has been broken, leaders can take a huge leap toward building the types of relationships where people work together to move the organization forward!

“Think about your best boss,” asks coaching expert Madeleine Blanchard. “Your best boss is a person who helped you to deliver phenomenal performance, but they also helped you to really grow and develop yourself.”

In a short video interview Blanchard explains that, “Managers who have no idea how to use coaching skills, or use a coach-approach with their people, tend to be very task-focused and very transactional—which is fine—the job gets done. But they don’t retain their people and they don’t get the kind of engagement and discretionary energy that we are all looking for in our organizations.”

One of the biggest challenges is feedback.

“The hardest thing for most managers is giving the hard feedback. It’s saying, ‘This is good but it needs to be better.’  It is so hard for people because they are afraid of damaging the relationship or de-motivating people.”

In a new Coaching Essentials program, Blanchard and coauthor Linda Miller teach managers to build relationships and earn the right to give the hard feedback—and then learn ways to say what needs to be said without being terrified.

Blanchard and Miller’s approach is to teach a mindset, a coaching process, and a skill set—three main things that managers and leaders need to know to build trust, improve workplace positivity, and boost employee work passion.

A new eBook by The Ken Blanchard Companies shares the four essential skills and a four-phased coach-approach for activating the conversation process.

To learn more, download a free copy of the eBook here.

Brown describes her work with large organizations on the topics of vulnerability, empathy, courage, and values—and how to make skills in these areas a part of your leadership development efforts.

Drawing from fifteen years of research, Brown shares how to be a courageous leader. Her findings?  Vulnerability is courage in the face of risk, uncertainty, and emotional exposure.  According to Brown, you have to be willing to show up, be seen, and be all in—even when you can’t control the outcome.

As Brown explains, “What do transformational leaders have in common?  A capacity for discomfort and a keen awareness of both their own emotional landscape and the emotional landscapes of others.”

Brown also shares key points from her most recent book, Rising Strong—teaching leaders how to get back up when they fall in the service of being brave.

Be sure to listen to the very end of this 35-minute interview to hear Ken Blanchard share his thoughts and personal takeaways on Brené’s ideas.

Listen to the podcast here:

Trust and empower employees. Respondents identified they look for leaders who believe in them enough to trust them with significant responsibilities and to empower them to use their experience and knowledge. As one respondent put it, “When my manager trusts me, it makes me want to do an extremely good job so I don’t let her down and so that trust increases.”

Provide regular feedback to everyone. Respondents indicated a strong desire for positive feedback when it is deserved—for example, when they show advances in learning a new task or when they offer ideas that benefit their company. They also want to know when they make mistakes or do things wrong. The important caveat? They want the person giving the feedback to respect them as someone who wants to grow and improve.

Make sure goals and expectations are clearly stated—and hold people accountable for achieving outcomes. Survey participants identified that they want leaders to hold them accountable but they don’t want surprises. As one respondent put it, “People don’t like surprises, so managers should make expectations clear up front.” Another survey respondent said, “When the manager explains goals, the employee can take ownership.”

Be open to hearing new ideas and input from everyone. As one respondent stated, “When managers listen to people’s ideas, energy levels can soar. It makes employees feel important and valued.” Respondents also indicated that Millennials want active, involved leadership, a feeling of collaborative teamwork, and unstructured access to information. Implicit in this finding is that information and ideas flow in both directions—from manager to employee and from employee to manager.

Do not micromanage. One respondent noted, “Leaders need to trust their people to do their jobs, but they also need to be available for help when needed—such as when an employee is new in a task.” One key point that came out of the research: the majority of those surveyed expressed a desire to be allowed space for trial and error. This allows the employee freedom to learn from mistakes while having their manager nearby to ward off larger problems.

The report highlights that the growing Millennial generation of workers is looking for clear definitions of expectations, regular feedback, and a receptive ear by managers about their ideas. They do not want to feel micromanaged, but trusted and empowered. They embrace transparency from their managers and want the opportunity to contribute.

You can access the complete report, Millennials in the Workplace: How Do Managers Inspire Them? at the Blanchard website. It contains additional analysis as well as advice for Gen Xers and Boomers, and is available free of charge courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Dear Madeleine,

I don’t know what to do about my boss. He’s canceled every meeting we have set up for the past six months. I’ve received absolutely no feedback all year—and then yesterday at my annual performance review (which he had cancelled three times so it was three months late), he gave me only negative feedback.

He didn’t comment on the fact that I am carrying three times more projects than any of my peers and that all of my projects have been on time and under budget.

Also, no comment about how my whole regional team is doing incredibly well.

The negative feedback is all vague hearsay from other people because he actually has no idea what I do or how I do it. I think he hates me. I am feeling like I have to quit because I really can’t stand it anymore. What would you do?

Ready to Quit

Dear Ready to Quit,

Well, I wouldn’t walk out in a snit without another job to go to. But I am so sorry, this sounds really awful.  There is always a chance he might actually hate you and be mounting an elaborate campaign to get rid of you—but to establish this as true, you would need evidence that his behavior is personal rather than simply clueless. If you prove he has a personal vendetta, then I would encourage you to start job hunting. It is really hard to win when your boss hates you.

The more likely scenario is that he, like many bosses, figures you are doing fine and his job is to help you always improve—thus the lack of attention and ham-fisted feedback. Also, because most managers never get any training on how to actually manage until well into their careers, he probably hasn’t the foggiest idea about the importance of regular meetings or how to give feedback in a way that is useful.

There is a good chance your boss has no idea what a terrible state you are in. So before you throw in the towel, at least try to communicate your despair. You must explain to him exactly what you need to stay engaged with your work. Tell him it is critical that you meet and share how discouraged you are. Tell him that the constant cancellations make you feel like a second class citizen, and that you need some positive feedback every once in a while. This would also be the time to negotiate a way to communicate all the great stuff you are doing using email. Does your boss have any way of knowing how well your people are doing? Perhaps a monthly excel spreadsheet that tracks actions and milestone achievements, so that he can at least say “Wow, how great is this!”

Your boss is probably insanely overcommitted and putting all of his attention on his underperformers, figuring that you are fine on your own. You owe it to yourself to send up a flare before you pack up your toys and go home. Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I recently joined a small but global organization as COO. I am tasked with looking at all of our systems and processes and finding ways to streamline, upgrade, and reduce our manual processes and the resulting human error. My problem is that the team I inherited is committed to keeping things exactly the way they are. Many of them are the inventors of the current systems and home-grown software programs. I’m not very optimistic about getting anything done with this group.

I asked the CEO and the Board if I could bring in some of my own team—fresh eyes, people who don’t have any attachment to the way things are now—but they want me to make a concerted effort to change the systems while keeping these people. I just don’t know how I can do it.

Hobbled

Dear Hobbled,

It sounds like your CEO and Board missed the memo that the biggest impediment to change is …people. People hate change. Not all people, but most people. We are evolutionarily wired to hate change—even good change—because, simply put, it forces us into the unknown. The human brain is predisposed to avoid the unknown at all costs.

It sounds like you were hired because you are an expert in systems, not because you have a lot of experience leading change. But leading change is what is required of you now, so you are going to have to saddle up and work harder than you ever thought possible.

Before you change anything, though, you are going to have to work with your group to shift the culture. Tell your people that you are explicitly requesting shifts in their outlook. Make the shifts you are asking people to make absolutely crystal clear. For example:

I made these up, but you get the idea.

You cannot underestimate the power of the current culture to kill any change you might conceive of, no matter how brilliant it might be.

Tell people the qualities you are looking for in the team. I am assuming it will be things like open mindedness, innovation, creativity, and eagerness to experiment. Tell them that these qualities will be expected and measured.

Tell your people what will not be tolerated, such as: protecting turf or systems; unwillingness to try new things; gossip about anyone. Again, clarity is key here. Give examples. Explain what will happen when you notice intolerable behavior, and what the consequences of such behavior will be. You don’t have to be mean about it, just clear and consistent.

Your new bosses have asked you to make a concerted effort, so you have to define for yourself exactly what that means. Maybe it means that you give every person 3 chances to get on board, or maybe 5. Whatever it is, tell people what the criteria are and track behaviors like the analytical thinker and Excel spreadsheet user you are. Then you can share your method of making decisions about who stays and who goes with the powers that be and they will know that you have acted in good faith and have made a concerted effort to keep as many people as possible.

Without the kind of clarity, criteria and scorecard I am recommending, you will be floating around in feelings and subjective opinions. Don’t do it—you will get lost and confused and you will fail at your task.

Our change model directs you to talk to people about their concerns, and there are many. Most people are simply worried about losing their jobs, which is fair. Get on board with helping the company figure out what’s needed in team members to be invited to stay, or the consequences of resisting at every turn and being invited to leave. Put the options in their hands. That way you at least have the right people on the bus—over time you will figure out where the bus is going and how to get people into the right seats. And you can deal with concerns as they surface, such as being asked to learn a lot of new things, etc.

Does this sound like more than you signed up for? I suspect it does. Many people sign up for a job they thought was about processes and systems only to realize that it is about leading people through change. This requires a sophisticated and advanced set of leadership skills you may not have been asked to develop in the past.

But you can win if you want. You will need to gather your warrior energy and be fearless and fierce. There are a bunch of great books on managing change—some of them Blanchard books. Get one and use it. You have an opportunity to have an extraordinary leadership journey.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

“We’ve worked with more than 15,000 leaders since we opened the Coaching Services division back in 2000. Much of our work deals with helping people first understand the impact of their natural tendencies and habits and then sharpen their communication skills.”

In a recent interview for the November issue of Ignite, Blanchard recommends three basics as a starting point for leaders looking to improve—goal setting, listening, and feedback.

“Most leaders aren’t as good at setting goals as they think they are. It seems so obvious and simple, but it actually takes a lot of imagination and creative brain power. Leaders often think direct reports should already know what they need to do and should be able to set their own goals, but unless people are taught how to do it and given some solid support, it just doesn’t happen. Very few people have their goals written down and chunked into deliverables, with specific timelines.”

Listening is another area where leaders fall short, in Blanchard’s experience.

“Many leaders think that the most senior person should do most of the talking, when it really is the other way around. When employees are free to express themselves they ultimately learn more, become more innovative, and get better at problem solving. I have a big red stop sign in my office with the word WAIT printed on it in big letters—it stands for Why Am I Talking?” Because when I am talking, I am not listening—and as a coach and a leader, listening is what I need to be doing.

Feedback is a continual trouble spot for leaders.  Blanchard recommends that leaders ask themselves a key question before deciding to address the issue.

“Try this. Before providing feedback on performance, ask yourself this question: Am I delivering this feedback because it is something my direct report needs to hear—or is this just something I feel I need to say? If it is something you feel you need to say because you have a strong opinion or because you just want to vent, do it—but not with your direct report. Share it with your own boss or with your coach, spouse, or therapist. It’s your issue—not your employee’s.”

Blanchard cautions that this doesn’t mean leaders should be talking about an employee’s issue with others. She makes it clear that feedback on performance needs to be delivered directly to the person involved.

“I am very upfront with my people. I promise that any feedback I have for them will be shared only with them. That’s a fundamental coaching ethic. I’m also clear that I expect the same in return. If they have an issue with me, I insist they discuss it directly with me. If either of us is discussing feedback issues with others, we are gossiping—and that is damaging to our relationship and to the organization.”

You can read more of Blanchard’s recommendations for leaders—including a final area that needs to be addressed—by accessing the complete November issue of Ignite.

PS: Also check out the complimentary webinar Blanchard is conducting to help leaders become more coach-like in their conversations with their people.  The event is free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

This post is by Paul Murphy, Director of Channel Sales, Asia-Pacific.

It is commonly assumed that leadership behaviors are driven by the cultural norms of a given country or region. But research shows that organizational culture is actually a much stronger driver of leadership behaviors than is country or regional culture.

For example, an employee at a large US multinational in China is far more likely to use the behavioral norms of that organization than those of her home country. Similarly, an English manager working for a local Japanese firm is much more likely to embrace the behaviors of that firm than those of his home country.

What does differ dramatically inside multicultural organizations is the way people communicate. A US manager wanting to take a directive approach with an employee will likely use very clear and concise language, whereas a Chinese manager in the same location may use a more subtle and circular message to direct an employee. Both managers are being directive, but their communication styles are very different.

It is easy to confuse leadership style with communication style. In Situational Leadership® II, we learn that leaders must apply differing degrees of directive or supportive behavior depending on the development level of the direct report.  The challenge is not to look at which style of leadership (directive vs. supportive) is most appropriate in a certain culture, but to take a closer look at how we communicate that style with each other.

Here are a few things to remember:

• All cultures have both supportive and directive leadership. However, the way these styles are perceived may differ. Just because an employee perceives that their manager isn’t being clear doesn’t mean the manager isn’t being directive.
• Pay attention to leadership style and communication style. It is possible to act in a supportive manner while communicating in a way that may be perceived as directive.
• Position your organizational culture as the key driver of behaviors. Make allowances for communication styles, but still identify desired directive and supportive behaviors for leaders.

Leaders from any background, though they inevitably have a preferred leadership style, should be able to learn to flex their style with a bit of training. However, their communication style may still be misunderstood by colleagues from different backgrounds if their communication styles are misaligned.

Use these tips to keep your focus on communicating the right leadership style appropriately!

About the Author

Paul Murphy is the Director of Channel Sales, Asia-Pacific, responsible for all aspects of the indirect channel business within APAC for The Ken Blanchard Companies. Paul is based in Hong Kong and can be reached at paul.murphy@kenblanchard.com

Then again, truth can be hard to define. Thomas J. Leonard, a pioneer in the coaching field, identifies some distinctions on truth in his book The Portable Coach:

—Not all truth is provable by standard measurements.

—A personal truth may not be provable by facts.

—Truth may change and evolve over time.

As coaches, we help clients recognize their personal truths, develop self-awareness, and have the courage to take positive risks. We create a safe environment where people can tell the truth without fear of negative consequences. But even with this encouragement, clients aren’t always as truthful as they could be.

So how can coaches encourage more truth-telling behavior among our clients?  Here’s a 3-step process I use:

1. Pay attention to the client’s tone of voice and energy level—and question statements that don’t ring true.
2. When it sounds like a client is spinning a tale, it is okay to interject and challenge them.
3. Challenge by asking, not telling, since even the best coaches can be off base. You can do this by repeating the client’s statement back to them and asking them how it sounds.

I’ve had a number of clients burst out laughing when they hear their own statement repeated back to them. They often realize that they have convinced themselves of something that may not be true or is an outdated belief.

Give this process a try. Once people recognize the truth, the most natural response is to start changing behavior to align with it. Celebrate the truth and the freedom that comes from being honest with ourselves!

About the Author

Kathleen Martin is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Martin’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

IMPROVING LEADERSHIP ONE CONVERSATION AT A TIME

Executive coach Madeleine Blanchard held the phone to her ear, listening attentively as her newest client explained the problem she was having communicating with her direct reports. “They say that I’m not a good listener. I’m trying to connect, but it just doesn’t seem to be working. Any suggestions?”

Blanchard thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can hear you typing right now, so I suspect you are actually answering emails while we talk. Do you do that when you are with your people? What would it be like if you actually gave each person your undivided attention?” READ MORE 

MANAGING IN A BUSY WORLD

Managers are struggling to find the time to have needed conversations with colleagues and direct reports. Ann Phillips, a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies, knows this firsthand.   “I always ask leaders ‘How many of you have enough of your own work to do each day?’

The leaders in class typically tell me that every day they have 8 to 12 hours of their own work that doesn’t include addressing the needs of their direct reports.  Lack of time kills many good intentions.” People want to be better leaders, says Phillips, but they don’t have the open space in their schedules. READ MORE 

CREATING A DEEPER CONNECTION AT WORK

You have to put yourself out there if you want to create an authentic connection with people. Sharing your Leadership Point of View is one of the most powerful ways to accomplish that, according to coaching expert Joni Wickline.

“Your Leadership Point of View is about the people and events that have shaped who you are. It also speaks to your values, your beliefs, and what drives you as a leader.” Wickline says creating a Leadership Point of View is an emotional journey and a lot of leaders play it safe when first given the chance to share. READ MORE

MID-LEVEL MANAGERS: TAKING CARE OF THE HEART OF THE HOUSE

Scott Blanchard, principal and EVP at The Ken Blanchard Companies, likes to use the phrase heart of the house to describe the important role middle managers play in an organization. In Blanchard’s experience, if mid-level management is neglected, the result is a slow-moving organization that doesn’t respond well to feedback.

Blanchard says that to be successful, middle managers must be skilled in communicating what is expected and how it is to be achieved.  That means connecting the dots from the boardroom to the frontlines. If middle management is ineffective, the staff both above and below this level suffers. READ MORE

ALL GOOD PERFORMANCE STARTS WITH CLEAR GOALS

The ability to set goals effectively is a key managerial skill. It’s also the key to being a successful individual contributor, according to leadership expert and best-selling author Ken Blanchard.

“All good performance starts with clear goals. If people don’t know what you want them to accomplish, what are the chances they will be successful? Not very good. “Peter Drucker used to say, ‘If you can’t measure something, you can’t manage it.’ Measurements are important to give both managers and direct reports more clarity when assessing performance.” READ MORE

This guest post is by Lynn McCreery.

Managers sometimes have difficulty focusing on both people and results.  They want associates to feel excited about their work, but also need them to perform. Many managers feel they have to choose—and most choose results, focusing on people only when improvement is needed.

If organizations want to create a more balanced coaching culture, leaders need to change their mindset and behaviors. They must acquire the skills to have effective conversations with their direct reports—conversations that not only make people feel safe and valued but also lead to decisions and actions that help them grow and unleash their full potential.

Madeleine Homan Blanchard, Scott Blanchard, and Linda Miller of The Ken Blanchard Companies have created a simple framework and key skills that enable managers to master four basic conversations.  Professional coaches use these skills all the time. They can help any leader focus on helping people develop and move forward with planned actions.

• First, create a safe context for a discussion by building rapport through being present both nonverbally and verbally.
• Second, get the conversation focused around the direct report’s needs by identifying what will be most useful for the person. Be specific about the topic to be discussed without conveying judgment in tone or words.
• Third, involve and engage the direct report in finding solutions and determining next steps by asking open-ended questions that encourage problem solving.
• Fourth, reach clear agreement with the person about timelines and help them take accountability for their actions.

With a little practice, leaders can make a positive change—from focusing judgmentally on what is wrong and listening only with the intent to solve the problem at hand to having safe conversations about development and action.

Identifying areas for improvement is a necessary part of coaching. But don’t get so wrapped up in results that you forget about developing your people and helping them move forward.

About the Author

Lynn McCreery is a Senior Consulting Partner for The Ken Blanchard Companies. Check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

These gaps are found in performance planning and performance review discussions as well as day-to-day coaching. According to a supporting white paper, this disparity translates into lowered employee intention to perform at a high level, apply discretionary effort, or even stay with the organization.

It’s a problem that needs to be addressed immediately, says Scott Blanchard, principal and EVP with The Ken Blanchard Companies. From Blanchard’s perspective, managers should meet with their direct reports weekly or at least biweekly to review progress, give feedback, and provide additional direction and support as needed.

“All good performance begins with clear goals. It’s about getting people focused and setting their priorities so that they know where they are going,” says Blanchard.

“Next, it’s about identifying the skills and motivation a direct report brings to a particular goal or task. Is it something brand new to the person that will require a lot of direction, or is it something they have experience doing? The manager needs to provide the right combination of direction and support to match the employee’s level of competence and commitment on the goal or task.”

In a recent article for his company’s Ignite! newsletter, Blanchard explains that the challenge for a manager is to be able to provide all four of the different styles of leadership people need based on their ability to accomplish a task. He points to research that shows most managers are adept at delivering only one style of leadership out of the four—for example, only directing or only supporting.

“Only 1 percent of managers we’ve worked with were already able to adjust the levels of direction and support they provided their direct reports based on specific needs. The good news is this is a skill that can be learned.”

Blanchard believes job one for a manager is to create commitment and clarity with people about where they’re going and what they’re doing. After that, the manager must make time to check in and evaluate progress on a regular—think weekly—basis.

“The best managers conduct these check-ins frequently by way of structured conversations with each direct report. This is more difficult than it sounds. Consider all of the projects being worked on by all of a manager’s direct reports. The manager needs to make sure they know which project is being reviewed. They may need four or five different conversations with a given employee depending on how many projects need to be discussed.”

Blanchard explains that the smart manager takes a situational approach to communication: they look at competence, confidence, and motivation to decide which management approach works best.

“It’s about flexing your leadership style based on what the direct report needs in a specific role. More than ever in today’s world, managers need to stop for a moment and think about the individual they are speaking with, the type of conversation they are having, how productive the conversation is, and how the direct report feels—and then decide on the best words to say.”

Getting Started

Blanchard encourages leaders to take the time to develop additional management skills.

“It can be a challenge at first, but it can be learned. We believe the success or failure of a manager hinges on the quality of the conversations they have with their people. Great managers know how to have useful conversations—how to talk things through, resolve issues, create clarity, and keep things moving forward. The capacity to learn how to have successful performance management conversations creates the foundational skill all managers need to succeed.”

Interested in learning more? 

Learning and talent development executives are invited to join Blanchard for a free special online event October 26.

Leadership 201: Developing a Leadership Curriculum for Midlevel Managers

October 26, 2016, at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

In this webinar, Scott Blanchard will share the advanced skills needed in any leadership development program aimed at midlevel managers. Drawing on the key principles from Situational Leadership® II, Blanchard will share the recommended components learning and talent development professionals should focus on when they create a midlevel manager curriculum, including:

• The Five Elements of Advanced Goal Setting: A new take on the popular SMART Goal model that puts a special emphasis on motivation. Managers draw people into aligned goals instead of constantly having to hold them accountable to overall organization objectives.
• The Four Stages of Development: How to identify the starting mindset of direct reports on new tasks; also, the four stages of development all people pass through when taking on a new goal or project.
• How to Flex Your Leadership Style: The steps required for a leader to develop beyond a comfortable, default leadership style in order to provide appropriate direction and support for every direct report.

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn about the essential skill components midlevel managers need to succeed in today’s diverse and fast-paced work environment. Discover the components you should be considering as a part of your leadership development offerings.