Dear Madeleine,

I manage R&D for a large medical device company. I am at the tail end of my work life. I wanted to retire at the end of this year, but our executive team is encouraging me to stay until I feel comfortable that someone on my team can step into the role.

Right now, I am not seeing a likely replacement. The job requires a wide mix of skills and activities. Although I have shared development ideas with my direct reports, I don’t see anyone doing anything differently.

I just sense that no one really cares much about the job or has the ambition to do anything other than the bare minimum. How can I light a fire under these people?

Where Is the Spark?

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Where Is the Spark?

It might be you, my friend. It sounds like you have made some suggestions that your folks may not quite know what to do with. And they may not know why they should bother.

Getting your people fired up to develop themselves for a senior leadership role requires you to intentionally and systematically tap into their dreams and aspirations, understand their identity—how they see themselves, and convince them of their agency—the extent to which they are empowered to go beyond where they think they can go. It’s up to you to create an environment where each of your people sees what’s possible, why it matters, and how they can grow into it.

Here are some ideas for how you might approach creating such an environment:

1. Share a Vision of What Leadership in Your Organization Can Be

You can do this with your entire team, in small doses.

• Describe what great leadership looks like in your organization—not just in competencies, but in impact.
• Share examples of leaders in your company who are admired. Why are they effective?
• Talk about the difference leaders can make at a senior level. Tell stories. You might say something like: “Leadership here isn’t about position—it’s about shaping direction, driving culture, and building something bigger than yourself.”

The challenge with this idea is that you will also be held to the standards you talk about.

2. Spot and Call Out Potential

People rarely see leadership potential in themselves unless someone points it out.

• Tell individuals specifically what strengths or behaviors you’ve seen in them that signal leadership potential.
• Make it personal and credible: “I see you as someone who could be a strategic leader here because you consistently…”

Don’t wait for them to ask. Plant a seed anytime you see something a person can build on.

3. Connect to Personal Purpose

Deep motivation comes from alignment with identity and values. Who is each team member, at their core? How do they see themselves? What matters most to them?

• You might ask: “What kind of impact do you want to have?” or “What problems do you care most about solving?” or “What interests you most about what we do here?
• Once you get some answers, you can connect to ways that senior leadership might offer them a bigger lever to engage in activities that mean the most to them.

4. Share Responsibility

Growth accelerates when people feel responsible for something bigger than their job. Look at what you do daily and figure out what you can delegate. Start out small, and build.

• Assign stretch responsibilities that align with senior leadership competencies, such as cross-functional work, strategy development, or mentoring others.
• Let them lead change, not just manage tasks.
• Frame it: “This is a great chance to build the skill set senior leaders need.”

5. Make Development Visible and Structured

If development feels fuzzy or unsupported, it can easily fall by the wayside—which is what has been happening for your people.

• Build or recommend a clear pathway: rotational projects, leadership coaching, mentoring, strategic courses. Build on strengths or identify specific gaps they can work on.
• Use individual development plans (IDPs) tied to specific leadership competencies. If your organization already has these, use them. If it doesn’t, create the ones you think are most critical. Start with one or two and be careful not to overpower people with too much, too soon. The key is to start with low-hanging fruit. What is a small thing that might be possible and would make a big difference?

6. Celebrate Progress and Model the Way

People need to see development as a rewarding investment; otherwise, it just feels like extra work.

• Acknowledge each person’s accomplishments and growth in public settings. This reinforces motivation and can inspire others in the group to rise as well.
• Share your own development journey, including struggles. This normalizes growth and makes leadership feel attainable. It would require you to be vulnerable, which could be uncomfortable. But it will humanize you and remind your people that you weren’t always the boss.

You will learn a lot about your people as you try some of these suggestions. The obstacles will become much clearer. You may uncover irrational fears that you can allay. You may find that some of your folks are already overwhelmed by their workload and don’t have the bandwidth to take on anything else. You may uncover some cynicism; e.g., you may hear that the organization is perceived as very political. Cynicism is data that can help you pinpoint assumptions about falsehoods that you can dispel, or about realities you hadn’t noticed or considered important. You can help everyone shift their mindset and support them in navigating obstacles.

This will be a lot more work for you—and, of course, for them. But if they know you care and are paying attention, I guarantee a few will rise to the top. And then you can retire!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have owned a boutique specialty consulting firm for over twenty-five years. My founding partner died a few years ago and left me her share of the business, so I am the sole owner.

I am working with a broker to find the right buyer for the business. I don’t expect to get much for it, but we do have a small, dedicated clientele, a stellar reputation, and very little competition, so it should set me up with a reasonable retirement.

My problem is that I am being heavily pressured by an employee to include her in the proceeds of the sale. She started as our receptionist/administrative assistant and worked her way to being our office manager. She keeps dropping hints that she expects a share.

Over the years, she often asked to become a partner in the business but could not contribute investment funds—and, honestly, never brought enough value for us to seriously consider it. In fact, she has not been that great an employee. She has often taken leave for health reasons she declined to disclose and never presented doctor’s notes. She has had multiple dramas—a spouse with a serious gambling problem and wayward children who seem to need endless bailing out of one problem or another. She seems to be cursed with terrible cars that break down even when brand new. There is always an excuse for lateness, and poor task completion.

We provided her with many opportunities over the years to take on more responsibility (marketing or accounting duties, for example), but she always dodged them, claiming to be overwhelmed with her existing workload. Our attempts to gain clarity on said workload were met with stonewalling or diversions.

My partner and I often talked about letting her go and finding someone more reliable who might one day be a likely partner, but we always felt a little sorry for her. To complicate matters further, I really like her as a person—she is funny and fun and has a big heart.

I am simply not inclined to turn over a big chunk of cash when the business is sold, and I don’t know how to tell her. I am afraid she will quit and badmouth me all over town or even sabotage me in some way. I have asked a lot of smart people for their take but am on the fence about this. What are your thoughts?

Over a Barrel

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Over a Barrel,

Here is a principle I learned from our family business consultant, the Wharton Professor John Eldred: All relationships with employees start out as contractual and over time inevitably become emotional—especially for people who are relationship-oriented, which you undoubtedly are. I have had about twenty years to observe this principle play out in our own company and with many friends who have founded small businesses and many clients who work in even the largest of organizations. So, please forgive me in advance for what is going to sound cynical.

Your office manager (OM), who is clearly appealing enough to have made you override your rational assessment of countless breaches of trust, is manipulating you. She may or may not be aware of it, and ultimately it doesn’t really matter. There is a strong bond between the two of you, and you may even love her when it comes down to it. You know that she almost certainly needs the money. It is these feelings that are clouding your reason.

But here is the thing, Over a Barrel—unless your OM does something that adds an extraordinary amount of value in the last chapter of your consultancy (for example, she brings in the right buyer or prepares a compelling presentation deck that you couldn’t have done yourself), it doesn’t sound like you owe her anything other than a fair severance package. It doesn’t even sound like you could in good conscience provide her with a glowing recommendation, though I suspect you would if a potential employer were to call you.

The hinting is not acceptable, and you do not have to take the bait. Just smile when she does it—but don’t nod your head. She is poking you to find out what she can expect when you do sell, and the only thing you are responsible for is making sure she knows she will no longer have a job once you have sold. If you figure out how you want to handle severance pay, you can certainly share what she can expect. If you tell the truth about what you have already decided and properly manage her expectations, you are behaving ethically. Once the deal is done, you are certainly at liberty to give her whatever feels right to you.

If you spill the truth in advance, whatever bad behavior you anticipate will probably happen regardless of what you choose to do. From the sound of things, OM blames everyone but herself for anything in her life that goes awry. Whatever you do choose to give her won’t be enough. But again, anyone who knows the two of you will pay no heed to any bad-mouthing she does—because based on what you have said, I guarantee she has no credibility.

In The Power of Ethical Management, the book Ken Blanchard wrote with Norman Vincent Peale, they outline what they call “the ethics check.” It consists of three questions you can ask yourself to make sure you can live with your decision:

1. Is it legal?
2. Is it fair?
3. How will it make you feel about yourself?

In your case, employment laws where your business is based will dictate what is owed to employees when you sell or close your business. Then, based on your OM’s contribution to your success, what feels fair to you? And finally, how will you feel if you give in to the manipulation—resentful, perhaps? Or if you go scorched earth and share none of the bounty—guilty, perhaps? If people around town hear how you behaved, will you be able to hold your head high?

I wonder what the smart people you consulted advised. Presumably they have more insight into the situation, and I can only assume that they all think OM has been taking advantage of your good nature from the get-go.

Good luck with finding a buyer, and when the time comes, happy retirement!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I’m dealing with a very weird situation. I’m on a large cross-functional team made up of leads and managers. Our leader is the new EVP of operational excellence. He seems to really like some of the members of the team and really dislike others. He regularly forgets to include the people he dislikes in critical meetings and decisions. He makes snarky remarks when someone he dislikes floats an idea, only to compliment the next person who says practically the same thing.

He has created a division between the liked people and the disliked people. It is subtle, and I’m not sure I would have noticed it if one of my best friends at work wasn’t on team reject. When she pointed it out, I couldn’t unsee it. I feel lucky to find myself in the in-group, but can also see how the situation is headed for disaster.

I lead teams myself and can’t understand what this new guy is up to, why he is doing this, or how he hopes to succeed. He also does other things that make no sense, but this particular thing is the worst of it.

What would you do in this situation? I am at a total loss.

So Confused

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear So Confused,

Getting operational excellence right is hard enough without shenanigans like this. One trait of a toxic leader is to play favorites. It destabilizes teams by destroying trust. There is a good chance your new EVP is totally unconscious of what he is doing and the effect it is having. In my opinion, this is the behavior of someone who needs to have power over others and achieves it by keeping people nervous and jumpy. If he bullies some people and not others, it automatically creates a reflex in the not-bullied group to stay on his good side, and slowly silences everyone.

 It sounds like this person is not your direct boss, nor the boss of your friend who has been relegated to the out-group, so it may not affect your performance review if this cross-functional team doesn’t accomplish anything. But that may not be true for your friend.

You have a few choices here, but none of them are attractive.

You can do nothing, which will inevitably impact the relationship with your friend.

You can get together with your friend and brainstorm what the two of you could do to change the situation. You might consider recruiting a few more team members from both the in-group and the out-group to engineer some kind of revolt. If you could manage to pull the whole team together, you could include HR to conduct an intervention of sorts. It would only work if the entire team was on board and unanimously demanded that everyone on the team be treated with respect.

You might consider going to the EVP and pointing out what you are observing—but that could be a career-ending move. People who need to have power over others usually aren’t keen to get feedback from anyone, especially not from someone they see as a subordinate. It depends on how much power he has and what kind of trust he has built with his peers and his superiors. Along those lines, you might practice standing up for people he is snarky with—but again, it’s possible all that will accomplish is to get yourself relegated to “team reject,” as you call it.

Look at the situation from all angles with as many of your team members as you trust. If a majority of the team agrees to stick together, you might have a chance to shift the ugly behavior. At the very least, you can probably ensure that nothing gets done, and let it reflect badly on the EVP. Does it appear that I’m condoning subversive behavior? I guess I am, because if people don’t stand up for themselves and each other, leaders like your EVP end up getting promoted and wreaking more havoc from an even stronger position.

Document every incident you remember and start keeping a running log of unacceptable behavior moving forward. This way, you will have a leg to stand on should the situation escalate. It would probably be up to your friend to take this whole mess to HR and to her boss. You might also mention the situation to your own boss, if you trust them.

The more you can get the team to stick together, the better chance you have of getting the EVP to change—or better yet, getting him removed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in communications in a multi-national, publicly owned company. I report to our CHRO with a dotted line to marketing. My job is to make sure our messaging is consistent across all our countries.

Our CEO and his executive team recently rolled out a complex strategic vision for the next five years, which included a small but significant reorganization and some new plans. I created the initial coms plan, which my boss took to the executive team. They made a few tweaks and signed off on it. I was so proud of the plan—I used research about change management to create it.

The big vision and the plans were announced at a town hall meeting. It went fine. Some people were freaked out, but that was to be expected. The next week I delivered the follow-up script and deck to the executive team for the FAQ meeting that had been scheduled, only to be told it had been canceled and that I should reschedule it for a month out. I complied, only to have it canceled again. I asked what date might work and got crickets. I have had it on my 1×1 agenda every week, but my boss cancels often as there are always more pressing issues. In the meantime, the entire coms plan is now a full quarter behind. In my last meeting with my boss, he informed me that the CEO doesn’t really see what he is trying to make happen as a “change” and doesn’t see the need to continue focusing on it. Our CEO apparently said, “If we keep talking about it, it will just encourage people to complain more. I want people to just get on with it.”

I get multiple emails a day from department heads asking when the FAQs are going to be ready, along with other questions I don’t have answers to. It is not my place to send anything without my boss’s say so. I feel completely helpless to influence what is looking to me like a train headed off a cliff.

I have been working in companies long enough to know anything that’s different from the status quo is a change, and change needs to be managed carefully and supported with lots of information and conversation. How can I influence my boss to influence the CEO? I am so frustrated.

Helpless

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Helpless

Yours is not the first CEO to be a technically brilliant, gifted strategist who is utterly clueless about how humans operate. Nor is he the first who fails to listen to the people hired to help them accomplish their goals. Is it ego? Self-regard? Hubris? Who knows?

Your CHRO should know better than to allow what is certainly a huge change to go unmanaged. I hate to say it, but it is on his head if the whole thing flops miserably. Cold comfort, I know. But you did your job. You created the plan—it really is not your fault if it is ignored.

You must ask yourself what is within your control here. What if you were to suggest creating a site on the company’s intranet in which you can post the FAQs? Perhaps you could create an email address where people can send questions, just so you can show your boss that the problem is escalating. Instead of waiting for a 1×1, email him to suggest these things, and let him know that unless you hear otherwise, you will go ahead. That way, you take care of people who need answers and you have covered your tail in case your CEO gets upset. There is a good chance he won’t even notice.

Part of me wants to suggest that you write a letter to your CEO explaining that sharing suggestions for what he can do to vastly improve the chances that his people will “get on with it”. But I know in my heart that it will probably not result in anything positive for you. If you thought it had a chance of working, you would have already done that. Continue to surface the issue with your own boss until he tells you to stop. Maybe you could send him a letter outlining the best practices, with supporting research and statistics making the case that he could use with the CEO. But you must guard against being too attached to an outcome.

I am sure you have plenty of other work to do, so figure out what you can do without burning a bridge and let it go. If you continue to nurse your disappointment, it will only end up hurting you.

You might, of course, consider finding work at a company where the leadership is better and you think you can make an impact. There are some decent leaders out there—just not very many.

You can’t take it to heart when people in power refuse to listen to reason. Just do your best. That’s all you can do. Chalk it up to experience, try to find the humor, and move on.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a supervisor and team leader in a technology company. We have several products on the market that are doing well. All my projects are in new products—a combination of market research and product testing; and all my teams are cross-functional—project management, software developers, marketing and customer support, and designers. The timelines for going to market keep shrinking and the demand to get high-quality products to the testing stage (i.e., in perfect condition) keeps growing.

I have noticed a shift in my teams. People are getting quieter in meetings, though the volume of general grumbling is growing. I finally asked someone I trust if they have noticed it, and she told me that people have developed a fear of speaking up.

When I asked her opinion about why this is happening, she wasn’t able to point to one thing. I think it may be the constant pressure to get new products to market faster—because to innovate, we have to experiment and make mistakes.

I have spoken to my boss about it and he said the only solution is to innovate faster. I get that, but I also know that getting new things right takes the time it takes. I’m not at all sure what to do to get us back into the rhythm that always worked well before.  

I would appreciate any ideas you have.

Faster & Smarter

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Faster & Smarter,

Well, something happened. Is this all your teams? Something is off here. This doesn’t sound like a response to the constant “better, faster, cheaper” refrain that anyone working in business is now accustomed to. People don’t disappear like snails into their shells for no reason.

Your people are acting as if they feel threatened. You can waste a lot of time and energy speculating about what it is, or you can come right out and ask them. Britney Cole, our chief innovation officer, says that Enemy #1 of innovation is fear, so getting to bottom of what people are afraid of is one possible avenue for you. Either they are afraid of something you haven’t registered, or they are afraid of you.

You can meet with each whole team or with individual people, share your observation that something has changed, and simply ask questions:

• Did something happen that I am unaware of?
• What am I missing here?
• Is there something I have done or said that has made an impact I did not intend?
• Is there something that someone else has done or said that has resulted in people feeling uncomfortable or unsafe?
• Is there something you think I should know about?

Our Fearless Innovation program proposes that leading innovation calls for grace, curiosity, and proactivity, and that the environment as a whole needs to support innovation. Your investigation will reveal that there is something you can do to be a more effective leader, or that there is messaging/feedback from the organization that is causing the dampened spirits.

This article about leading innovation might spark some ideas for you and help you shape more targeted questions. And here is an eBook that details the factors that encourage innovation in organizations.

You may not like what you discover. Either you will hear something about yourself that you need to work on or you will see a larger pattern in the organization that will require you to step up and advocate for your teams. Hopefully, you will uncover enough intel to help you craft a plan to increase the sense of safety and trust and get your teams back on track.

It will take a lot of grace and curiosity. It will require action on your part, which will require grit and courage. If your team sees you being proactive and speaking up, it will give them permission to do the same. And hopefully that will help you all get your groove back.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Hello Madeleine,

I have read your articles, and I wanted to reach out to you.

I have an equal business partner with whom I have successfully run a restaurant for six years. While I have 30 years of experience in the industry, my business partner had no previous knowledge about restaurant operations. I have used my expertise to elevate our restaurant to a high level.

The reason I am contacting you is to seek advice on how to end this partnership. I would like to either buy him out or have him buy me out. I have made this offer to him but he has not accepted either option.

My desire to end the partnership stems from his wealthy background, which has led him to expect me to work harder to generate more profit for him. He frequently complains about the restaurant’s profits, yet contributes nothing to its success. He has a dominant personality that can sometimes be narcissistic, and he often threatens to dissolve the company. He also brings up the need for expensive lawyers to discuss potential agreements, but my goal is simply to have him leave or to receive compensation so I can move on.

I hope to get your guidance on how to make the best decision in this situation.

Aggrieved Partner

——————-

Dear Aggrieved Partner,

I am sorry for your tribulations. This is a tough one. I wish I could wave a magic wand, send you back six years, and have the two of you map out clear agreements about not only what each person would be expected to contribute to the partnership but also how to manage an exit plan.

Since we can’t go back in time, you are stuck with a situation in which you are dealing with uncomfortable conflict and could potentially lose a lot. What agreements did you sign when you first conceived the idea of a partnership? Might you have something in writing? It seems like you brought the experience and the sweat equity while he provided the seed money. How have you been sharing whatever profit gets generated? You say he threatens to dissolve the company—do you have any ownership stake or power at all?

First things first. You must figure out what matters most to you. Is it winning? Is it punishing your partner for being such a jerk? Or is it more important to get out of this partnership with your sanity and reputation intact, or maybe just find a way to reduce your stress? Once you work this out, you will have a clearer picture of how to proceed.

Here are some options for you to consider:

• Check the laws in your country about business ownership. Consult a lawyer of your own to see what rights you have based on whatever agreements do exist.
• There is something going on that the two of you are not talking about. It seems that your partner (term used loosely) is avoiding the topic of bringing the partnership to a close. Is he perhaps more attached to the business than you realize? There might be some emotional reason that he goes immediately on the defensive when you bring up the topic. The question to your partner might be: “It seems you are unhappy with my ability to generate profit, so I am curious as to why you seem unwilling to dissolve the partnership.”

The more you can communicate with each other, the more likely you will come to some resolution. For this to happen, I will draw your attention to your own grievances against your partner. I am not saying you are wrong about him, but I do think your harsh judgment of him—no doubt formed over years of experience—is almost certainly bleeding into the way you communicate with him. That can’t help matters. Try to remember the way you behaved with your partner when things were first starting and you held him in higher regard. Do your best to shelve your criticisms, well founded as they may be, and change the way you treat your partner. You may think you are good at hiding your opinions, but I guarantee he is feeling them. No one wants to negotiate with someone who hates them.

• It sounds like your partner is distracted and wishes to maintain status quo. If you are desperate enough to poke the bear, make it real to your partner. Prepare two options for him in writing:
  • First option: He sells you his share of the business for what you think it is worth based on the initial investment. Perhaps lay out a scenario in which you buy him out and pay him a set amount over time.
  • Second option: You offer to sell him your share of the business, outlining the value of your sweat equity and what you think that is worth.

Get a lawyer to help you prepare the documents so that they are properly constructed. Your partner might be impatient and annoyed enough to just move ahead and sign one option or the other. Until you do that, he probably won’t take you seriously.

• I hate to say this, but if you feel strongly enough about getting out, you may just have to walk away. Everybody in town is probably aware that you are the heart and soul of the restaurant and the one who has made it a thriving concern. There is a very good chance, based on your reputation, that you will find someone who is willing to invest in you again. If there are no legal documents spelling out the agreements, you might be able to find a way to generate a new opportunity for yourself and simply—leave. If there are no agreements in place, there is nothing any lawyer can do about it, no matter how well compensated they are.
• The last option I can think of is to find a way to focus on what is working. Park your judgment, let your partner’s behavior roll off your back, and enjoy the good thing you have created.

I am truly sorry, Aggrieved Partner, for your situation. Business partnerships are notoriously fraught under the best of circumstances. They are similar to marriages in that no one wants to consider that they might end, and very few prepare well for that possibility. This one is not unlike a marriage in which no pre-nuptial agreement was negotiated. I suspect you will never make that mistake again. I have seen people simply tolerate terrible partners because the pain and loss of dissolving the partnership (or marriage, for that matter) far outweighs the benefits in the long run.

Once you know what is most important to you, you will know what to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I had a big job and got a lot of manager training early in my working life. Then a series of events (I had a child with special needs, then another one, parents needing care, husband making enough to sustain the family) conspired to make me leave the workforce for about a decade.

I recently took what I intended to be a sales associate job in a large retail store. I wanted something that wouldn’t be too taxing and would bring in a little extra cash while my kids were in school. I was quickly promoted to a manager position.

I enjoy the work. It is low stress in that I don’t take work home with me. My problem is this: there is a rotating cast of characters in hourly positions who all report to me. The store offers a lot of flexibility, so we attract college kids on their summer break, young moms, retirees, etc. I have regular one-on-one meetings with each of them.

I have found the more I listen to people (something I am good at), the more they will talk. They tell me so much more than I need to hear. People call me at all hours to ask for advice, update me on a situation, or sometimes share good news.

My husband teases me and calls me the Doctor (based on Lucy in the Charlie Brown comics) and rolls his eyes at the number of calls and texts that come in my off hours.

I love these people, but I feel like they are eating at my life and I don’t know how to stop them. I don’t really even want to stop it, so much as control it. I’d appreciate your thoughts on this.

The Doctor Is In

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear The Doctor Is In,

I understand your frustration. As problems go, this is a good one. Having listening as a superpower is indeed a gift—but like most gifts, it can be a double-edged sword. This means your gift has a dark side and you have found it.

When I was training to become a coach and developing my own listening skills, I experienced the exact same thing. The more we listen, the more people talk. It is so rare to find someone who really listens—without interrupting, hijacking the conversation, making it about themselves, or outlining a solution—that once the floodgates open, it can be hard to close them. You have inadvertently stumbled over a universal law: the more you listen with empathy and compassion, the more people will talk.

I know the Doctor thing is a joke—but the fact is, you have been placing yourself in service to others. To be heard and listened to is extremely healing. It is no accident that millions of people make a profession of listening.

The question: how to control it.

The answer: ground rules and boundaries.

You are a manager, so it is fair to set the expectation that all conversations between you and your direct reports have a time limit and should revolve around work. Keep your questions focused on the job and the work environment and keep any curiosity you may have about the person’s life in check. Topics could revolve around these themes:

• Do people have what they need to do the job?
• How is their schedule working; do they need to make changes?
• Is there anything you can do to make their time at work more engaging or pleasant?

When issues begin to stray, gently redirect back to work topics.

It may be tricky to curtail your entanglement with people you already have a relatively personal relationship with, so focus first on new employees and getting the newest manager/employee relationships off on the right foot. Set your ground rules as expectations in the beginning when you explain what a 1×1 is. It will probably feel weird to you because you’ll have some habits to break, but a little discipline will go a long way.

Setting boundaries may take some practice. In your case, though, it is surprisingly simple. You took the job specifically because you wanted to leave work at work and spend your personal time doing other things (in your case, taking care of your family). I think it is supremely reasonable to reply to anyone from work who contacts you off hours with a polite and firm text message such as: “I am at home focused on my family right now, and look forward to speaking with you tomorrow when we are at work.”

For the people who are used to having after-hours access to you, it may help to speak to them about the impending change. For new people, you will set the expectation up front. For more on boundaries, I am a fan of the work of Dr. Henry Cloud.

It might be useful to think about what core need you are getting met that has gotten you into this pickle. Allowing your needs to drive your behavior isn’t a bad thing, until it starts interfering with how you function or how you want to design your life. The key is to find a way to get needs met that doesn’t cost you more than you want to pay. In your case, it is probably a deep need for connection and/or to help others. This is a classic psychological driver—and, as many people in the helping professions will tell you, the need for help out there is infinite. So if you don’t manage your own needs and set boundaries for how much you are willing and able to give, people will take and take until there is nothing left of you.

You have a big and loving heart, Doctor. The world could use a lot more people like you. Only you can take the required steps to treat that heart with the respect and care it deserves. That way you can keep on giving and still have enough left for yourself and your family for the rest of your life.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

How should I deal with LinkedIn? Everyone who wants to “connect” with me ends up trying to sell me something.

Sometimes it appears that a person has done their homework and has something useful to offer—but more often than not, it’s people who clearly know nothing about me.

I feel like the original purpose of the network has gone out the window and it is mostly a waste of time. I don’t want to be rude, but I want to find a way to stop being inundated with requests to connect.

Sick of Wasting Time

______________________________________________________________

Dear Sick of Wasting Time,

Boy, does this resonate with me. LinkedIn is the last of all the social media platforms I still engage with, and I am considering letting that go, too. Every so often, though, I come across something interesting and relevant and I reconsider. I do like seeing what my professional friends and acquaintances are up to, and I really enjoy engaging with certain groups.

I have definitely noticed an uptick in LinkedIn as a sales tool in the last few years. I am sure it has everything to do with the increased use of email spam filters—and who answers the phone anymore? So how else are sales people—or in many cases, I am pretty sure, sales bots—supposed to get spotted?

I recently had to rebuff a student from my alma mater who attempted to sell me something based on our tenuous connection. I hope I wasn’t too harsh—I hate to discourage young people. Her response was a resounding silence, so I will never know how the message was received.

Maybe a question to ask yourself is What do I want to get out of this platform? Once you know that, you can make decisions about how to proceed. I asked around and got a few ideas for you, all of which I am going to implement myself.

• Only accept connections with people who are either interesting to you, genuinely interested in your work, or doing something that might affect your own business. You can just decline the others without having to explain yourself.
• You might consider sharing your position about who you want to connect with. Write a post about your experience. It will get buried pretty quickly, but you can always link back to it when it makes sense.
• You can easily limit public information using your privacy settings. If you aren’t using LinkedIn to build potential customers, this will serve to reduce how visible you are to people who don’t have anything of value for you.
• Find and join groups that you think will be stimulating and help you in your work. This will narrow the posts you see and hopefully make your experience on the platform feel more useful.
• Did you know you can filter your messages? You can create separate folders for messages from people you have connected with and people you haven’t. That way, you can immediately see messages from people you want to hear from and ignore the others.
• Finally, you can remove some of those connections. If you blithely accepted all connection requests for a long time (as many of us did) and you want to reduce the number of connections to only the ones that are relevant to you, do a little weeding. Under Manage My Network, click on Connections and click on the three dots next to a connection to see the Remove Connection option. It may be a good use of your time—and may also increase the value and pleasure you get from engaging with the platform.

Social media of all kinds, not to mention news sites, are designed to divert attention and keep us engaged. You can’t expect anyone to respect boundaries you haven’t set. Our time and attention are a precious and finite resource. You are entitled to take more control of yours.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a couple of questions about networking that I was hoping you could help me with. I am pretty good at walking up to people and networking with them these days. I also message people on LinkedIn asking for chats.

But I struggle to turn network connections into something deeper and more long lasting. For example, how do I ask someone out for lunch so that we can get to know more about each other? How do I turn a professional connection that I just made into a more personal connection?

I read Bob Iger’s book The Ride of a Lifetime and I am a huge fan of the relationship between him and Steve Jobs. Do you have suggestions on how to make network connections like that?

Thanks,

Networking Newbie

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Networking Newbie,

I love this question so much. Thank you! You are asking about something that seems to be a great mystery to most people. Certainly, my own connections on LinkedIn need to hear the answer.

I had to immediately get Bob Iger’s book and read it, so thanks for that, too!

The very short answer is that to develop relationships you have to get extremely interested in people. And it wouldn’t hurt to be interesting yourself. This isn’t as hard as it sounds—all it means is knowing what your interests are and being serious about pursuing them.

Let me explain. Bob Iger and Steve Jobs ended up with an amazing relationship because they respected each other and were interested in a lot of the same things. They ended up finding ways to work together that mutually benefitted both parties, and they helped each other achieve their goals.

Each individual knew who he was, what was important to him, and what was his goals were. So your first step is to decide those things for yourself. Who are you? What do you love? What is important to you? What are your goals? What do you have to share that can benefit others? These are huge questions that will probably take you a little while to answer. Okay—a lifetime, probably. But you can make a good start.

Let’s start with the easiest one, maybe—your goals. When you know what your goals are, you can make an action plan by creating milestones and action steps. Then you can ask people for advice or for specific help.

People love to give advice. (Hello! I love it so much that I write an advice column!) But seriously, they do. Find people who do jobs you want to do, ask them for 15 minutes on the phone, and send them questions you want them to answer. Make the questions interesting and fun, such as: How did you know you wanted to be ______ (fill in the blank)? What is the biggest obstacle you have ever had to overcome? What one thing do wish you had known when you started out? My son did this with heavy hitters in his industry and got tons of takers for calls and three coffee dates.

People also love to help people but they often don’t have a clear way to do so. Having clear goals gives you an opportunity to ask for very specific kinds of help. You may recall in Bob Iger’s book that his dad asked his roommate in the hospital, who was bragging about what a big deal he was at a TV network, if he could get his son a job interview. He sensed that the guy saw himself as a big shot and was eager to show off how true that was. Bob got a job interview, and it was the start of his career in network TV.

Who do you need to meet? Ask your network if anyone knows that person and can make an introduction. What do you want to know more about?  Find people in your network who can teach you something. I was recently at a family reunion and one of my husband’s cousins tracked me down and asked for my salad dressing recipe. I couldn’t have been happier to share, and now we have a bond.

Back when I was an actress, I learned about the power of having a clear goal. I was a member of a great organization called The Actors Information Project, which taught actors to act more like responsible business people. They made us set clear goals beyond just please, God, help me get a job. My goal was to be in a Sondheim musical on Broadway. I told everyone I met that that was my goal. Sure enough, a total stranger I met at a party was a friend of a woman who was casting A Little Night Music. When I said I would die and go to heaven to have a shot at the role of Petra the maid, he agreed it would be a great role for me and said he would be willing to pass on my picture and resume. If I had just said I was an actress looking for work, it wouldn’t have been compelling and he wouldn’t have known how to help me. My agent had also submitted me—but when the casting director got my resume from her friend, I did get an audition (and a call back, not to brag). The whole production was scrapped and I can’t remember why, but you get my point. Also, I kept the guy who helped me in the loop and sent him a thank-you note.

You don’t just want success, you want specific success. That’s how people find a handle on how they can help you. Don’t worry about missing out by being too specific. The specificity gets things going, and then opportunities come that might not be exactly what you wanted—often they are even better.

What do you care about? For example, I connect with people about food and novels, both things I am passionate about. I have buddies online with whom I discuss recipes and the latest book by Geraldine Brooks or Isabel Allende. Whatever it is, find small points of connection on which you can build. On LinkedIn, post questions people are going to want to respond to because they are interested in the topic, such as What is the best book on networking? (I can answer that one—I highly recommend you read everything by the expert on the topic: Keith Ferrazzi. His biggest hit was Never Eat Alone. He will expand on everything I am saying here.) Or What is the worst thing a boss can do to an employee? Or What is your favorite app? Or What is the absolute best hiking boot? Or Does anyone know anyone who works at Patagonia?

I am just throwing out ideas here; you will, of course, have to tailor your questions to your interests. This will help you find people with common interests. You can start conversations online and then maybe move to a phone or Zoom call.

This brings me to more straightforward ideas like either finding Meetup groups of people who love what you love, or starting one yourself. And most cities have actual networking groups where they only accept one person in a given industry or business. The deal is that they all send each other business. That might be more appropriate for someone who is an entrepreneur. There are also lots of Mastermind groups for people who share professional interests—always a great source of real connection.

As you review your connections online, do some research on the people who interest you so it appears that you care about them. Think about what you know that is worth sharing with others, and answer other people’s questions. This will help you find people who might be able to add value to you, as you do the same for them. I find that people who locate me on social media don’t bother doing any research at all and try to sell me things I am not remotely interested in. For example, my job title is Chief Coaching Officer, I have been in the coaching industry for 33 years, and people try to sell me coach training. That is just lazy. But if someone sent me a compelling question about coaching, I might be inclined to respond. (Maybe not, because I just don’t spend enough time on social media, but I suspect that is generational.)

The other thing to think about is staying in close touch with anyone you do meet with whom you have some kind of connection. Send funny memes you think they might like, share book recommendations, or ask for their opinion on the latest Netflix series. Anything that makes sense. I interview high school kids who are applying to my alma mater and I am always a little surprised that none of them bother to stay in touch. They fail to realize that I might be able to make an introduction for them when they are looking for their first job.

A bit of a firehose, I know. But, I did say I loved the question, and I hope this gives you a place to start.

Let me know how it goes!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

“The most successful leaders have a clear understanding of what leadership means to them. They are able to articulate this viewpoint to colleagues and direct reports for the purposes of building stronger relationships,” says Pat Zigarmi, a founding associate of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Zigarmi recently sat down with Chad Gordon of the Blanchard LeaderChat podcast to share a three step process from Leading at A Higher Level the bestselling business book coauthored by the founding associates and consulting partners of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

1. Identify key people and events that have shaped and influenced your thoughts about leadership.
2. Describe your leadership values by explaining specific behaviors.
3. Share your expectations of yourself and of others.

“The process is purposefully thoughtful and requires time to complete,” says Zigarmi. “The first step is to spend some time thinking about people who have influenced your life, such as parents, grandparents, coaches, or bosses. Also, think about key events that might have been turning points for you. Then describe what you learned about leadership from these people and events.”

Next, Zigarmi suggests you identify your core values.

“But don’t just create a list of words. Create a narrative that defines your core beliefs and how they influence your behaviors as a leader.”

“The last step focuses on describing what you expect of yourself as a leader, what you expect of others, and what the people you lead can expect from you. When people know the expectations, you have for yourself and for them, all goals are easier to reach.”

“Sharing your leadership point of view with your direct reports is the ultimate indication that leadership is a partnership—something you do with people, not to people.”

To hear more from Zigarmi’s interview, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the general manager of a hotel property. I have always received great performance reviews, have high employee retention numbers (a big issue in my business) and my teams seem to really like working with me.

About nine months ago I got a new boss and she is a crazy micromanager. She doesn’t seem to understand that I have been doing this job successfully for five years. She is always breathing down my neck and questioning every decision I make. It takes more time to keep her satisfied than it takes to do all the other things I need to do.

It is demoralizing and exhausting. I want to tell her to back off and let me do my job. How can I do that?

Over Managed

Dear Over Managed,

You can’t. You can fantasize about it, but it isn’t going to get you what you are looking for, which is more autonomy. Your new boss is probably just nervous about doing well herself and is operating out of old habit driven by an overabundance of caution.

Here is what I suggest. Ask for some extra time with your boss after you have addressed the day-to-day nuts and bolts. Tell her you want to check in about how she thinks you are doing and about your working relationship. Be prepared to ask some big, open-ended questions to get her talking, such as:

• Is there anything I am doing that keeps you from having confidence in me
• How can I make it easier for you to trust me with __ (fill in one of your responsibility areas)?
• What can I do to increase your belief that you can rely on me?
• What would you need to see from me to be more comfortable with less supervision?
• Why are you so uptight? (Totally kidding on this one, just checking to see if you are paying attention.)

See what she has to say. Don’t let yourself get defensive if she gives you feedback. Listen, take notes, and say thank you. Be prepared to take a stand for being left to your own devices with one or two areas that you know you have down pat—not the whole job, just a few areas, so you have someplace to start. With any luck, once you prove yourself to be dependable with one or more areas, she will ease up. The key is to consistently demonstrate competence.

Side note: In a new manager/employee relationship, it is better for the manager to start with tight supervision and then back off as the employee demonstrates competence. If the manager starts off being laid back, it is almost impossible to tighten up in the event it becomes necessary.

If it’s really hard for you to fight the urge to tell off the boss, I recommend getting it all off your chest with a good friend or your dog. Just get it all out so it doesn’t get in the way of your being open and curious when you do talk to her. Asking questions and drawing her out will get you much better results.

Your courage and openness should help get things on an even keel—but she may not change her MO. Ever. She may not be able to. If that ends up being the case, you will have a big decision to make. Good hotel GMs are in high demand!

Love,
Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

1. Communication via email is time stamped and an effective alternative to “snail mail”. It is a great way to send someone in your company a quick message, a long list of to-dos, or a detailed inquiry on any given task. Email correspondence is not always time sensitive and is a great way for multiple people to read, process, and refer back to tasks or initiatives sent to them by their manager before they respond with questions, concerns, or approval. The pitfalls of emailing revolve around missing the physical and vocal cues people unintentionally respond to face to face. Also, if there is ever an emergency situation a quick response may be difficult to come by. In speaking directly to your manager, you can convey certain concerns through the pitch of your voice and body motions which elicit emotions you are feeling. We read these signals unconsciously and they connect us to others. This is especially important when you have an urgent matter. Many times writing styles are confusing and may not be interpreted in the same manner in which it was intended. I would not suggest trying to email your leader or direct report when you need to make a quick decision.
2. Communication via telephone is one of the earliest technological advancements and is extremely effective for a number of reasons. You can get straight to the point and make quick real time decisions. It is also possible to convey emotions through the pitch and tone of your voice which does help in connecting with the person on the other end of the phone line. However you lack the ability to gain a complete perspective of what the other person is experiencing in that given moment. Environment plays a key role in connecting people through experience and can affect the productivity of communication. Someone on the other end of the line could be fighting traffic while on the phone, distracted by their surroundings, which would take their mind off of the present moment. Important urgent decisions are influenced by environment and it is important to understand all variables influencing it. It is impossible for people on opposite lines of a telephone to know what the other is going through.
3. Communication via video conference is a great alternative for people who are working together from multiple locations. Programs like Skype and Face time have brought families, friends, and colleagues from around the globe together in real time. Both parties can see each other face to face and somewhat experience their environments. You can see their facial cues and mannerisms through the video and gain a pretty accurate impression of what the other is experiencing during your conversation. While this is a great way to connect to people in your organization from around the globe it is still not the best. You miss the complete interactive feeling of being in the presence of another human being. It is often difficult to really gain full understanding of the other persons thought process because you only see the top half of their body and/or what the video screen captures behind them. Frustration may set in if the internet bandwidth is not strong enough. Complications can arise delaying the video feed and chopping the audio so I would not recommend holding high level business communications through this medium if at all possible.
4. Communication in person is of course the original form of relating to others inter-personally and remains the most productive. You just cannot beat a face to face interaction. One of my coaches told me that he would evaluate the effectiveness of his interactions by imagining himself viewing the interaction as a third person in the room looking down from a corner. While this may sound strange, it is very useful to imagine how the two of you are relating and meshing with one another. After all people are not robots and a sense of connection is important to establish the feelings needed so that you can work together. You must look at a situation from another person’s perspective. If the logistics of an in person meeting are difficult to figure out I would revert back to a video conference meeting but if at all possible do it in person. You will gain a much richer experience with the other person and really connect, which increases the likelihood that you will achieve your desired results.

To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.
– Anthony Robbins

Brian Alexander is the Marketing Project Specialist with The Ken Blanchard Companies. To learn more about The Ken Blanchard Companies please visit www.kenblanchard.com