Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in the finance department of a national restaurant/foodservice company. I have always liked my job, brought a lot of creative problem-solving to my team, and enjoyed hosting events to create bonds among people in my organization.

My last kid just graduated from high school and left for a six-week trip abroad. My two kids in college have summer jobs away from home. I thought I couldn’t wait to finally have the kids all leave the house so I could have more time to myself and more time to work—but now that it has finally happened, I seem to be adrift. All I have is time, and I don’t know what to do with it.

It feels so strange. I don’t recognize myself. For the last twenty years I have been in constant motion. Even though I’ve loved being a mom, I’ve resented the never-ending grind. But now that I don’t feel the clock ticking, I can barely focus on work.

Ever since Covid, my entire team has worked from home. I am happily single but never felt lonely until now. Maybe I’m just really sad—the empty nest thing—because I have so been looking forward to this time. But it feels like all of a sudden I have ADHD or something.

Have you ever heard of anything like this? Do you think there is something wrong with me?

Weirded Out

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Dear Weirded Out,

There is nothing wrong with you. You are going to be fine. I promise.

Humans vastly underestimate how destabilizing it is to change our daily routines. For twenty-plus years you were on the clock, and all of a sudden you have a surfeit of time. It’s as if you had loud music playing 24/7, you learned how to dance to it all day, every day for twenty years, and someone suddenly turned the music off. The silence is so deafening it can be hard to think. You developed an entire set of skills, disciplines, and practices that made you feel productive, accomplished, and competent. Now, all you need to do is…start all over again.

The working-mom fantasy of having more time to work is common; and, like most fantasies, the reality is often a letdown. Because, let’s face it, you probably already work plenty.

One general principle that might be helpful to understand is this: just because a big change is desirable and makes you happy doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to grieve the chapter that is coming to a close. All the big, happy life transitions (graduating school, getting married, starting jobs, having children, buying homes, moving to a new location), no matter how welcome, require leaving all kinds of beloved things behind. What that means is just because you are thrilled to have made it to end of the working-mom marathon doesn’t negate whatever other emotions you may be having.

Here are a few ideas you might consider to help you through this big transition:

• Take some time off. Go for long walks, take some yoga classes, meditate, get a massage. Anything you can do to clear your head so that you can hear the soft voice inside that is offering clarity about your heart’s desire.
• Maybe avail yourself of your company’s EAP to do a short course of therapy to unpack all of the feelings you are experiencing. Identifying, naming, and feeling them will be a relief and will help you to re-focus on what is in front of you.
• Take a quiet moment to write down all the things you have been putting off for so long. Jettison the things you don’t care about and prioritize the ones that still matter. Choose one thing that is appealing and make a plan to go after it. Learn pickleball, get a puppy, discover ballroom dancing, train for a marathon, find a cooking class. Whatever makes your heart beat a little faster.
• Make a list of the people you care about who’ve dropped to the bottom of your priority list and make it your business to reconnect. Commit to either rebuilding those relationships or building new ones.

I would urge you to take it slow and start small. You don’t want to cram your life so full that you immediately go back to your old rhythms. Just because it might feel comfortable doesn’t mean it is right for you. It took you years to shape your former daily rhythms and it will take some time to experiment and find new ones. You will be able to recognize yourself in a new form soon enough (perhaps just in time for one of your kids to boomerang back home again).

Just kidding. Kind of.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a global company that had a very flexible work-from-home policy before Covid happened. I have been managing hybrid teams for more than 20 years and have never had trouble with performance.

We got a new CEO last fall, and he has a very strong belief (despite all the research that says otherwise) that people simply don’t work as hard when they work from home. One of his opening moves was to institute a full-time return-to-office plan that started in January.

I’m lucky. I have always come in three days a week, and I have a short commute. But about half my people had just enough time to move back, or simply move, so they could keep their job. I had to replace people who didn’t want to move, or couldn’t, and we lost some excellent talent in the process. The disruption has been epic. It all feels like a waste of time, energy, and focus.

Now that everyone is getting into the groove of coming into the office, there is a new problem no one seems to have anticipated: We don’t have enough room for everyone! People are sharing offices and cubicles, which is tricky since almost everyone is on conference calls all day. There weren’t enough headsets to go around and people had to bring their personal ones from home. There aren’t nearly enough conference rooms, and if you have one reserved and someone else gets there before you, it is a standoff. People can’t hear themselves think.

There aren’t enough parking spaces, so people are late because they must drive around looking for a spot. There aren’t enough restrooms—people have mere minutes between meetings only to encounter a line, so many are forced to step out in the middle of meetings. The cafeteria was not remotely prepared to manage the volume, so lunch hours had to be staggered and regular meetings moved. Not only are we not more productive, we are way less so.

My boss has assured me that all of these issues are being worked on—but in the meantime, no flexibility has been offered to help alleviate them. Everyone, myself included, is in a constant state of annoyance. The whole policy has been an unmitigated disaster.

I just don’t know what to do. I hate inefficiency. I hate policies that are out of touch with reality. I hate to see my smart, hardworking people struggling with stupid rules. As a senior-level manager, I have taken great pride in walking the fine line between taking care of my people and supporting senior leadership, but I am really struggling to do that at this point. I have completely lost respect for the CEO, who is oblivious to reality and blathers on about how great it is to have everyone together. He thinks he appears tough, while everyone who works for the company seems to agree that he is just stupid. More to the point, my team’s morale has nosedived and I can’t do anything about it.

I have run out of the energy needed to hold the company line and not betray that I am 100% opposed to the way things are being handled. I feel like I can’t support my boss, who is cowardly and keeps acting like everything is fine, or the executive team he reports to—and it makes me feel like a traitor. I have headhunters calling me constantly and am starting to take their calls, but I feel like I would be letting my team down. Can you think of anything I could do to turn this around?

Done

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Dear Done,

There is nothing quite as dispiriting as a new CEO who imposes new rules based on opinion versus facts and causes needless chaos for their people. It sounds like you had a good thing going and it has all been blown up. I do wonder how the whole company is doing, and if the new CEO is doing enough good things to offset this one really stupid thing.

Do I have any bright ideas for you? I wish I did. I read your letter several times, trying to spot a silver lining or creative ways you might approach the situation. You might check with your team and see what viable tactics come up—carpooling, bringing lunch from home, ways to share space that make sense. The bathroom situation is way beyond me. But I don’t think this is what you are looking for.

My suggestion is that you read what you wrote and ask yourself these questions: Whose permission do I need to find a better leader to work for? What is keeping me from finding a better situation—and taking my best people with me?

The principle here is that a leader is only a leader if people follow them. You feel like a traitor, but it doesn’t sound like your CEO has done anything to earn your loyalty. So, really—what is keeping you from voting with your feet?

Your team will be fine. One of them will probably be delighted to take your job. You won’t be betraying anyone or letting anyone down by remembering that the only people you owe anything to are yourself and a leader worthy of your respect that you choose to follow.

I could be totally off base here. If that is the case, it will probably have the effect of helping you see the silver lining and find the wherewithal to stay the course where you are. The key is that it will be a conscious choice and you won’t feel like a victim.

I wish you effective and efficient policies that make going to work and doing work fulfilling again.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a company that directly supports several industries that have been affected by the changes that are being made in Washington—financial services, supply chain, manufacturing, etc. Many of our contracts have been put on hold, which is clear at least. In some cases, though, when we try to contact our partners to find out what is going on, we get no return calls or emails. We aren’t sure if people have been laid off or what services they are still expecting. The bills we sent them months ago are going unpaid.

My team is in chaos. Everyone is in a state of dread, expecting our entire business to fail. This seems even worse than COVID; I can’t put my finger on why, exactly. Some of my people’s spouses have been laid off from their jobs. One person lost her parents in that awful plane crash on the Potomac, which I know has nothing to do with the changes at work but it casts a pall. I do get how some people feel like the world is ending.

Thankfully, we still have plenty of work, but I can’t seem to get people to stay focused. How do I stop this spiral and help everyone get back on an even keel?

Negative Spiral

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Dear Negative Spiral,

I am so, so sorry for the distress you and your people are going through. You are not alone—I have heard similar anguish from many people in many sectors. Big change is always destabilizing and scary. Our brains are not built to respond rationally to uncertainty.

I have a few ideas that may help, but first I will caution you to adjust your goal to “get people back on an even keel.” My Spidey sense tells me things are going to get more tumultuous before they settle, and whatever was an even keel (a.k.a. normal life) will end up being a new normal. My point is that, just as with COVID, it will take years for everyone who is affected by all the changes in regulations to find their footing.

As a leader, job one for you is to stay calm. Your people will take their cues from you, so if you can demonstrate that the sky is not, in fact, falling, that will help.

Another thing you can do is listen. Let people share their distress and help them brainstorm how they might respond to their misfortunes and changes in circumstance. You can’t fix anything for people, but you can listen with empathy and let them know you care. No one wants to hear “everything is going to be okay” until they have had a chance to share all the reasons they don’t believe it. You will find it takes more time than you want it to take, but you will immediately experience the value of it.

Perhaps your company has an Employee Assistance Program that your people can take advantage of. Many EAPs will provide at least some appointments with a therapist so that people can fully express their distress and potentially learn some coping strategies.

Finally, it may help if you share that despite the uncertainty with some contracts, there is still “plenty of work.” An approach I have seen to be very effective is when leaders share, clearly and succinctly:

1. What I know for sure (today);
2. What I believe will happen (based on experience); and
3. What I don’t know and we will all have to wait and see.

This is a slightly modified version of listing what is within our control, what is somewhat within our control that we might be able to influence, and what is most definitely outside our control. The “sphere of control” exercise might be a helpful framework for some of your most deeply affected folks.

It is much more likely that sailors will weather a storm when their captain appears to believe they all can. It sounds like you do believe your organization will be okay, so it can’t hurt to share that reassuring point of view with your people.

Finally, after every conversation in which you listen and reassure people, you can redirect their focus on what they can do in the next hour, today, and this week. Research shows that switching from ruminating, which can deepen and strengthen negative thoughts (and requires that the brain be in the default mode network), to focusing on and accomplishing a discrete task that requires full concentration (which requires the brain to be in the task positive network) interrupts the downward spiral. It’s because these modes are mutually exclusive—the brain cannot be in both modes at once. This is why, when we become paralyzed by our negative thoughts, it can help to simply make the bed or perform administrative tasks. There is a reason that humans often have the instinct to stay busy in the face of challenging and unpleasant emotions.

For the foreseeable future, it is possible that the best you can hope for is to help stop the spiraling and keep people at least semi-functional. Stay calm and optimistic yourself. Stay focused on what is working and what can be done.

You will be a hero.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a regional business unit for a global supply chain company. During the Covid lockdown everyone went remote, and the organization got rid of the office we had. I like working remotely. And it works well for my team for all the reasons people state: no one misses the commute, there’s much more flexibility to get things done at home, and you only have to be presentable from the waist up. The work part of my job is fine. What I have realized only recently, though, is that I am lonely.

I used to have lunch with coworkers, go out for drinks after work, and chat with people in the hallways. The small talk used to get on my nerves a bit when I was on a deadline, but now I have no small talk at all. Two of my good work friends transferred to regions in very different time zones, so staying connected with them has been a challenge as well.

The Covid shutdown was also the beginning of the end of my marriage. We had both traveled a lot for work and when we were forced to spend 24/7 together, it became clear that we were in denial about how incompatible we were. I started living alone about a year ago. Getting divorced was a relief, but what I didn’t anticipate was the effect it would have on my social life: all my friends are “coupled” and it doesn’t occur to them to include me in their plans. My very best friend just had twins so she literally has no time for herself—let alone for me.

I am an introvert, so doing the things I need to do to rebuild a network feels utterly beyond me. I am only in my mid-thirties and all I do is work, scroll Instagram, and binge Netflix shows. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I am feeling very stuck and sad. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Lonesome

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Dear Lonesome,

I am sorry for how you are feeling right now. There is a little bit of a silver lining in that you have at least admitted to yourself the reality of what is going on and you’ve named how it makes you feel. That is a critical first step to making some changes. I think it may also be helpful to understand that the changes in your circumstances were gradual, and what you are now dealing with is the cumulative effect of that. None of this is your fault, Lonesome—it is simply the result of a whole bunch of events that were out of your control.

However.

You must—absolutely must—take action. I hear you when you say that rebuilding feels beyond you, but rebuilding is non-negotiable. It won’t be easy, but you will be glad you did it. Why? The research is clear: loneliness will impact your health. You can read Dr. Vivek H. Murthy’s paper, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” You will see immediately that you are not alone. The effects of the Covid-19 started a snowballing of isolation that has caught many off guard. It might also be helpful to pinpoint exactly what feels beyond you, so that you can identify what feels doable. If absolutely nothing feels doable, you might consider talking to a medical professional to address what might be mild depression. That would certainly make sense, given what you have been through. This tip is, of course, outside my expertise—but if it resonates with you, there might be something to it.

What to do? Dr. Murthy makes some broad recommendations on pg. 66 of his paper, but I can also share some ideas that came to mind when I read your letter.

Start with what you already have:

• If there is no time for small talk online, set up time with coworkers nearby to meet in person. Meet at a coffee shop to work on a specific project. Have regular one-on-ones with your direct reports in person once a month—again, meet at a coffee shop or find an outdoor space if you live in a warm climate. Plan dinners with coworkers. I know social time used to be spontaneous, but now you will have to plan it ahead. If you are worried that you have all lost the skill of small talk, bring along a list of questions to get things going. Rely on your management skill and manifest some get-togethers with people who only see each other online. This is crucial to your well-being—and there is a good chance you aren’t the only one suffering, so, as a leader, it is also the best thing you can do for your people.
• You still have good work friends. Don’t let the time-zone thing deter you. Friendships are precious, and the only way to maintain them is to make the effort.
• Assuming your ex didn’t get custody of all your “coupled” friends, get in touch with the ones you liked. Let them know you are ready to socialize again and would love to be included in whatever social plans they are making. Pick up your phone and use it for what it was originally intended for—talking to people. Text them, at the very least. You have been out of sight, so you have been out of mind, and that is something you can change. There is no law that says couples can only hang with other couples.
• Your BFF has twins? I guarantee she is as lonely as you are. There is nothing as isolating as being at home with babies. Stop by with dinner. Offer to go to her house and hold one of the babies so that she can have one-on-one time with the other one. Go over and help with bathtime. Get her out for a walk with the stroller—it is so much easier to do with two people in case one of the babies melts down or they both do at the same time. If all she can talk about is baby stuff, so what? Smile, nod, and slap an interested look on your face, even if you are bored to tears. I had my first kid long before any of my friends did, and the only friends I still have thirty-five years later are the ones who went out of their way to accommodate my new circumstances. I am forever grateful to them.

Once you have done a few of the above things, you can cast a wider net.

• Adopt a pet. If that feels like too much, but you like dogs, go to your local shelter and volunteer to walk one.
• Find a way to volunteer for a cause that matters to you or a great need in your community that you can help address. Something that gets you out of your house. There is nothing like being in service to others to get your mind off yourself.
• Join a gym—or if you are allergic to gyms, make yourself go for a walk everyday. Just getting outdoors, having a little sun on your face, will change your outlook. At the very least, it will get you off your phone and your couch. If you like to hike, find a meetup near you to join like-minded others. Or use Meetup to find people who share any other interest you may have.
• If you are a reader, find or start a book group. If you are a cook, start a cooking club.

Start small, Lonesome. Try forcing yourself to do one thing a week for the first month, then two things a week, until you get to three things a week. Experiment! Not everything will be a smashing success, but you will learn, tweak as you go, and clarify what works well.

This will be hard. You will think there is something wrong with you, but there isn’t. You are at the mercy of Newton’s first law, otherwise known as inertia, which states that an object will remain at rest or in motion unless an external force acts upon it. Objects at rest will stay at rest; objects in motion will stay in motion. It takes a big charge of energy to change your state of inertia, so you will have to apply some will to change it. You will have moments when you want to cancel; when you would much prefer to stay home in your jammies. You will 100% be uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay.

Discomfort won’t kill you, but loneliness will. Get to work. Today.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at a crossroads and don’t know which way to go. During Covid, I got a great idea and started a very cool online business. I did so well that a few people invested in my little company, and for a while it grew like gangbusters. I hired some people to help out and we’ve had a great team for a few years now. We have all made decent money and had a lot of fun.

Over the last year, it’s been hard to compete with all the new entrants into the same space—most have more investment funds than I do. I’ve been approached to sell to a competitor who talks a big game but really just wants me out of the way. If I sold, I would have enough cash to pay back the investors, call it a day, and move on. Alternatively, I could raise more money and try to compete by upgrading our technology, hiring more people, etc.

Over the last year, I’ve been stuck in front of my computer 18 hours a day because of this business. There are so many other things I want to do. I was able to prove my concept and keep myself entertained, but now I’ve really lost interest.

My problem is my employees. I really like all of them and worry that they will feel betrayed if I sell out and walk away. There is no guarantee that anyone I sell to will keep them on, and they are all perfectly capable of finding new jobs, but I don’t want them to hate me. I am starting to feel trapped.

I have made a pros and cons list and discussed this with my nearest and dearest, but can’t seem to make a decision. I am interested to hear what you might suggest.

At a Crossroads

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Dear At a Crossroads,

I deeply appreciate how much you care about your people, but let us remember that you started your business as something fun and interesting to do. It sounds like at no point did you think “I am going to start a business so I can provide employment to people for the rest of their lives.”

I learned something that has turned out to be true from reading The E Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber decades ago. He said there are three kinds of people who start businesses: the Entrepreneur, the Manager, and the Technician.

The Entrepreneur is the dreamer—the person who spots a need or opportunity in the marketplace and creates something new to fulfill that need. This sounds a lot like you. You created something cool, and are now ready to move on to other things.

The Manager is the person who craves order and is good at creating the systems and processes that will ensure seamless running of the business. They are good at spotting problems and solving them for good. These are the people who tend to buy franchises because they come with a proven concept and systems. Creativity is not required.

The Technician is the person who is very good at a technical skill or expert at delivering a specialized service. Think massage therapist or, as the example Gerber used in his book, someone who makes extraordinary pies.

To create a business that thrives long-term, the person who starts it needs to understand which of these is their type, and find partners or employees who are the other two types. Both Entrepreneurs and Technicians desperately need Managers because there will always be tension that needs to managed. It is extremely rare that a person who starts a business is equally gifted in all three of these required areas.

These distinctions have been extremely useful to me personally, helping me to see that I am a Technician with an entrepreneurial spirit. Essentially, I realized quickly that trying to remain a Manager in a business that is up and running is a terrible idea for me. So I have had a career of starting things (sometimes successfully, other times not so much) and then handing them over to Managers.

This is a lot of detail to explain that, if your entrepreneurial bent were strong enough to keep you interested in solving problems and truly scaling your business, it would make sense for you to stay with it. But it is eminently clear that you have already lost interest. And you have an opportunity to sell what you created to someone who is enough of a Manager to scale and compete.

It sounds like you have a deep core need for variety. Core needs must get met or they will wreak havoc on your life and your business. Why would you saddle yourself with something you are already bored with? In this case, it would be for sentimental reasons—to deliver on a promise that you never even made. That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster.

There are steps you can take to care for your people as best you can. The first step would be to have a chat with each of them, explain your reasoning, and listen to their thoughts. You can express your care and concerns while still sharing what is real for you.

You can, of course, do your best to encourage your buyer to hang on to as many current employees as possible, which I am sure you will do anyway.

Finally, you can put your money where your mouth is. You might consider sharing a portion of the sale price with your people so that they each have a little nest egg, or enough to tide them over until their next opportunity presents itself. Once you have paid off your investors, you can do the math and figure out what makes sense to share with your employees. I think this would demonstrate your commitment and go a long way toward mitigating the pain of the loss and change.

Nothing lasts forever, At a Crossroads. You must honor your own needs and your strong instinct that it is time to move on. You can do that while also respecting your people’s hard work, the fun you all had, and how fond you are of them. You can close this chapter of your life honorably and without regret.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I just read one of your past columns entitled Latest Team Member Causing Chaos? I recognized the person as what I call HOF—“Hair On Fire”—and we have someone like that at our company. I have been working here for 35 years. I now work directly with HOF herself, and I’ve begun looking for a new job. Your post resonated with me so much. I was stressed out last year and now again. She even pushed me into the hospital once.

I’m a scheduler, and HOF basically makes schedule changes for her benefit. Whatever suits her. Everything you mentioned is exactly how she behaves. I’m trying to think of anything I can do other than just saying “sure, no problem.” I just give her whatever she wants. That’s what everyone on the team does so they don’t have to deal with her ridiculousness. When HOF is away, things are quiet, organized, and well run, so we all know who the instigator is. The whole team agrees she is a psycho.

I really need some advice! HOF is making me crazy.

Firefighter

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Dear Firefighter,

I’m sorry the stress caused by this person is making you ill. You aren’t the first to have to contend with an HOF (what I call a “crazymaker”), and you won’t be the last.

Julia Cameron, in her wonderful book The Artist’s Way, coined the term crazymaker. She defined the characteristics beautifully in one of her own blogs here.

I once ran a high performing team that was almost destroyed by a crazymaker. When I checked in with her leader, I found out she was wreaking havoc everywhere in the company. So I was lucky—she was let go, and we were all able to get on with our work.

I see two potential focus areas for you:

1. Find a way to let HOF’s behavior roll off your back and learn how to manage your own stress more effectively.
2. Find a way to band together your whole team to revolt and stop HOF from getting away with acting like a psycho.

Learning how to manage stress is a lifelong pursuit. It will probably serve you well regardless of what happens with HOF. I am not an expert on the topic, but there are countless resources available to you. Just ask Google.

The usual stress-reduction advice includes breathing techniques that stop the flow of adrenaline and activate the parasympathetic nervous system (this works—I know). Other typical suggestions are: getting exercise (especially outdoors if possible); hanging out with pets;, meditation; a mindfulness practice; prayer; getting proper sleep; working with a therapist; and, as a last resort, medication. Pick one or two to try, adopt the one that feels like it helps and, well, do it. If anything will help you avoid another trip to the hospital, it is worth committing to.

Also, as it happens, stress reduction methods include developing the ability to set appropriate boundaries with people and say no to inappropriate requests. It sounds like you and everyone else on your team of schedulers could use some help with that—unless, of course, you have somehow received a message from above that HOF must be accommodated at all costs. For more detail on setting boundaries, you can find a post on that here.

Sometimes a crazymaker is so successful at bringing in business, closing deals, retaining high-paying clients, and getting referrals, it’s clear that everyone should do everything they can to accommodate the person. This is often a tremendous source of frustration for those who support rock stars. However, I will also note that such stars often run out of goodwill and end up being only as good as their last deal. They have no friends to get them through the dry spells, and it rarely ends well.

Which brings us to your second avenue for action. My questions are:

• Where is your boss in all of this? Is anyone in management aware of the problem, and do they have the power, influence, or skills to escalate it to someone who can do something about it?
• How does HOF have so much power over a whole group? Is it real power or simply perceived?
• Is there a chance the whole team of schedulers might collectively refuse to work with HOF if she doesn’t comply with the norms everyone else seems to be able to live with?
• HOF is either aware and doesn’t care, or simply unaware. Can you tell which it is? If it turns out she is unaware, is it possible she might change her behavior if someone were to make her aware?

If, in your assessment, HOF is aware and doesn’t care, but adds so much value to the organization that no one is willing to call her on her misbehavior, finding a new job is probably your best bet.

Here is the thing. It is ultimately up to you to set appropriate boundaries. If you can convince your teammates to do the same thing, it might just work. Of course, I don’t know the details of your work, but it could sound something like this:

• “Your request to move those four appointments is going to cause chaos in the schedule. I understand you need to ask us to do it in this instance, but please try to avoid these kinds of shifts in the future.”
• “This request is not appropriate. It will cause a domino effect we can’t control. You will need to get my supervisor’s permission for that.”
• “We booked those appointments because your calendar was open. In the future, please keep in mind that if your calendar isn’t up to date, we won’t feel confident booking you and your bookings will decline.”

If you get better at setting boundaries, HOF’s next move will be to find someone else on the team who isn’t as good, and she will abuse that person until they quit or get sick. Or, ideally, they’ll follow your example and push back with kindness and respect.

Remember, the only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them.

One universal law to be aware of: if you don’t build your own skill for setting boundaries in your current situation, you will undoubtedly run into a different version of this problem in your next job.

So in the spirit of “nothing left to lose,” I suggest you try to:

1. Learn and commit to at least one stress-reduction technique.
2. Get help from above.
3. Agree as a team to just say no to the crazy.
4. Practice respectfully setting reasonable boundaries.

Crazymakers get away with their shenanigans because people let them. You can always hope and pray that they change (they won’t) or that you’ll never run into another one again (you will). Your life will be vastly improved if you learn to stand up for yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I love my job and I am good at it. When the COVID lockdown was settling in for a then-unknown period of time and everyone in my company was working from home, my partner and I took advantage of the crisis, rented out our condo in the city, and moved to our dream location. Life was beyond perfect.

Now the CEO of my company is going hardline, insisting that everyone be back in the office at least three days a week.

It is a short flight to go to HQ, and we still have our condo. In theory, I could bunk with our renter (a relative) whenever I need to. I am in negotiation with my manager to see if I might fly in for one week a month. He is fighting for me and my request, but I am not sure if he can make it happen. Even if he does, I will have to bear the cost of travel and the disruption to my home life (there are multiple dogs involved now). On the pro side, I am getting a little lonely working from home 24/7 and would welcome seeing my colleagues again.

My problem is that our CEO said at one point that he “would never force people back to the office,” which is why we made the move. I actually have the recording of the all-hands meeting where he said it. It makes me so mad. It is affecting my motivation to even make the effort to comply. My work hasn’t suffered yet, but I can feel my resentment creeping into my attitude. Part of me feels like I would actually have a case if I wanted to sue.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

Resentful

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Resentful,

I will tell you what I hear, Resentful. It sounds to me like you might enjoy going into HQ on a limited basis. So the change might be welcome at some level, but you feel betrayed by your CEO. If you started out respecting and being a willing follower of your CEO, that respect and willingness has been destroyed. The bald fact is that he is breaking his word. Your resentment is rooted in that sense of betrayal.

I think half the battle for you right now is in naming the emotion you are feeling—so if I am wrong about what it is, what is the right word? You might consider checking out Dr. Susan David’s website where she offers fine distinctions to get clarity about our emotions. Her book Emotional Agility provides a deeper dive.

Once you can truly name and express what makes this whole situation feel so impossible, you can own it and decide what you want to do about it. Maybe it’s a letter to the CEO. Maybe it is simply a lesson learned. Either way, it should help to clear the field enough for you to make a decision about whether:

1. you can release your resentment and comply with the mandate (or with whatever your manager can negotiate for you), or
2. you want to hang on to your resentment but still comply, or
3. you believe the loss of respect for your CEO is fatal and you need to move on to find a CEO who is more trustworthy to devote your work hours to.

To be fair, I don’t know a single CEO who was equipped to deal with what we all just went through. Every single one of them was making it up as they went and doing the best they could with no precedent to lean on. He probably had no idea what unintended consequences would result from what he said in a meeting.

So, ultimately, I don’t recommend option B, because, as has been pithily said by many, resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.

I can’t speak to the viability of a lawsuit. You would have to consult an attorney for that. I can, however, caution that no matter how in the right you may be, a lawsuit will drain you of any disposable income you may have and your peace of mind. You would need to have an awfully strong stomach and be prepared for it to take years.

Check in with yourself and see if you can find it in your heart to forgive your CEO. Maybe all the brilliant and good things he has done can outweigh this one error. Or maybe the scales can’t be tipped in his favor. Only you can decide that.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have always been good at dealing with stress in my personal life—difficult pregnancies, a special-needs child, and parents requiring help. But now I am going through a challenging divorce. My kids are all struggling with it in different ways and it is taking its toll. I’ve recently realized this situation is exceeding my abilities to cope.

I recently had to untangle a big mess because one of my direct reports “didn’t want to bother me” because I have so much on my plate right now. I realized I have been ignoring requests, snapping at people, and avoiding complex tasks that are critical to projects moving forward. I am watching myself from the ceiling, wondering “Who are you? You know better. Where is your composure, woman?”

Everywhere I turn to for advice tells me I need to take care of myself, exercise, meditate, and so on. None of it is helpful. I am hoping you have another angle on this.

Train Wreck

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Train Wreck,

You should exercise and meditate. Haha, just kidding. I mean, I am—but it is true that taking care of yourself has never been more important. So don’t ignore that advice. Find one thing you can do that helps you feel centered and grounded—just one thing that makes sense and doesn’t require a ton of time or a new skill set.

My heart hurts for you. You are going through one of most destabilizing transitions known to humans. When I was going through a divorce, I spent a full hour driving in the wrong direction on the New Jersey Turnpike with three ten-year-old boys in the car. My sister called me to tell me she saw me take the wrong ramp and I said, “You’re crazy, I know where I’m going.” That, it turned out, was not the case. That is only one of the crazy things I did. This is a whole unprecedented level of stress you are dealing with, and it is serious business. It literally keeps you from thinking straight. So I have two words for you:

GET HELP.

Find a therapist or counselor to whom you can vent weekly. Your company probably has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)—many offer six sessions with a therapist. That may be all you need.

Or

Call your best friend every day, set a timer for seven minutes, and complain bitterly about everything bugging you. Ask her to not argue or give advice, just listen. I grant that few of us have such a perfect friend, but you may. If you do, make an agreement with a time limit—say a month. It isn’t forever, and you will do the same for her when she needs it.

Or

Find an online support group.

The bottom line is this: There is no reason for you to try to get through this alone. If there was ever a time to call in the cavalry, it is now.

There is one other thing to try that you probably won’t hear from anyone else, and it has brought me, and many of my clients, through rocky patches. It is a technique from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron called “Morning Pages.” This is how she describes it:

“Morning Pages are three pages of longhand, stream-of-consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning. There is no wrong way to do Morning Pages—they are not high art. They are not even “writing.” They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind—and they are for your eyes only. Morning Pages provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize, and
synchronize the day at hand. Do not overthink Morning Pages: just put three pages of anything on the page…and then do three more pages tomorrow.”

You can listen to Julia on this topic here.

The beauty of Morning Pages is that it takes about nine minutes, tops, and it makes an appreciable difference to one’s state of mind. It costs nothing, takes almost no time, and doesn’t require scheduling for yourself or anyone else. I have found that people who use this technique go back to it in troubled times again and again. For some people, it just works to clear the decks and get us back to our center. It is worth a try.

In terms of your work, it is lovely that your team members are sensitive to your situation. Just make sure they know what to come to you with, and what they are free to use their own judgment about. If nothing else, this period will allow some of them to rise to their own brilliance. So you have that going for you. Talking to them about what you are going through (at a high level), explaining how they should operate during this difficult time, and showing appreciation for their concern is all that’s needed.

You are used to being a high performer and for the first time in your life, you are falling short of your own expectations. That is adding to your pain and confusion. It is also okay. Other people are clearly willing to cut you some slack, and you can too. You’re judging yourself for struggling, and it isn’t helping anyone. Try to give yourself some grace. It is not permanent. It is a moment in time.

Which leads me to my final point: this will end. I promise. Not tomorrow, not next week, but at some point, you will be on the other side of this, and you will be wiser and more compassionate with others because of it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is the Chief Revenue Officer for a billion-dollar, publicly traded company, and I am watching her melt down in real time. She has been in the job for two years and has made one spectacularly bad decision after another.

Sales have tanked to an all-time low. I know for a fact that the earnings reporting is…not accurate. The stock price is slipping.

On Zoom calls she is manic, erratic, often making bizarre proclamations. I watch the faces of my peers and to a person the eyes are wide, lips tight. But no one is saying anything.

I can’t understand why our CEO, whom everyone acknowledges is a genius, put her in the job to begin with or has tolerated performance that has gone steadily downhill. It makes no sense.

Things have just gotten so weird; I don’t know who I can get a reality check with. It feels like I am losing my mind. I have been with the company a long time, and it has always been on a healthy upward trajectory. The CEO never would have tolerated such poor performance in the past.

I have a lot of stock options as part of my comp, and I am thinking now would be a good time to vest, with the stock price so low. I get calls from headhunters all the time, and I am beginning to think I should take them. I would feel bad abandoning my team, all of whom I love and care for. I am so conflicted.

Should I Bail?

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Should I Bail?

It sounds like a topsy-turvy world. I think when people start behaving strangely, especially when the CEO is asleep at the wheel—either actively ignoring an obvious problem or, as you imply, is somehow misrepresenting the numbers—you must assume something shady is going on. If no one is pointing out that the proverbial Empress Has No Clothes but you see it clearly, I would say you should trust your own judgment.

I can’t tell you to leave your job but I can ask you this: If your best friend told you all of what you have told me, and you trusted his judgment, what advice would you give him? If your immediate answer is “are you kidding, get the heck out of there!” —well, there is your answer.

There is no harm in taking the calls from recruiters, exploring your options, and getting a sense of what opportunities are available out there. You can brush off your resume and update your LinkedIn profile to be poised and ready to exit if your instincts prove correct. The only person who is going to care about your career and financial stability at this point is you, so preparing is smart. I applaud your concern about your team; it would be painful to feel like you are letting people down. If you do bail, you must trust that they will take your lead, start looking for options, and all land on their feet.

I often ask successful people what their biggest mistake was, and fascinatingly, almost to a person, it is a variation on “I didn’t pay attention to my gut and went along when I knew I shouldn’t.” You have been with the company for long enough that you can tell when you are seeing things that don’t add up. If you are not habitually negative and think something is going terribly wrong, then you are probably right.

Good luck to you.

Love,

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a manager for a couple of years. My company provided zero training. I kind of figured things out as I went along, and took a lot of online courses. I’m doing okay.

My issue is that there is just too much work. I’ve tried putting in ten-hour days, being super organized, using time management systems—you name it. But even when I work 55 to 60 hours a week I still can’t get it all done. My partner keeps telling me I’m going to burn out, but I don’t really feel that way. I love my job and am convinced there is a better way to get things done. I keep hearing that I need to work smarter, not harder, but I don’t really know what that means.

I am beginning to think there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m just not smart enough.

Any suggestions you have would be welcome.

Up Against the Clock

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Up Against the Clock,

There is nothing wrong with you.

You are smart enough.

There is just too much work.

And your partner is right. You are in danger of burning out.  In fact, I might suggest that your recent attack of self-doubt is an indication that burnout is already happening.

Humans are simply not built to sustain that much intensity 24/7/365. If you were saving orphans in a war zone, it might make sense, but even that would come to an end at some point. High intensity can work well for special projects—situations that have a beginning, middle, and end. But even CEOs and business owners have to find ways to take vacation and modulate intensity, and they are generally well compensated for their commitment. The situation you are describing sounds like a long, dark tunnel with no hope of light at the end of it.

You must take action. Now.

You have a few options.

1. Get help. I am not sure where your manager is in all of this, but if you have not escalated this situation to them already, now is the time. You can’t expect your manager to know you are overburdened unless you tell them. If they are available to you at all, ask for a 1:1 to go over everything on your plate and brainstorm how to get some of it off your plate. If they are not available to you, make a spreadsheet. List everything required of you, the time each thing takes, what you need to hand off to someone else, what you are going to do in 45 to 50 hours a week, and what you are not going to do. Then email it to your manager. If you can’t get support from your manager, you might think about escalating the situation to your manager’s boss or even HR.
2. Prioritize. Choose the deliverables that are going to make the least impact on your team and others and find a way to delegate them or just don’t do them. A client who had just completed an MBA from Harvard Business School once told me that one thing Harvard teaches in MBA programs is how to prioritize. The way they do it is by assigning so much work that it is almost impossible to do it all. The students who succeed figure out which assignments to invest their time in and which to coast on. This story may not be true, but it makes sense to me because no one can do everything that could be done, or even should be done. The dirty little secret of working smarter is that you decide what you’re not going to do or what you are going to do less well. You must choose what you will focus on and what you will not focus on.
3. Schedule and take a vacation. It sounds like you have climbed on a hamster wheel and you can’t get off. Impossible as it may seem, you must step away and get some perspective. And I don’t mean a long weekend. I mean at least one entire work week during which you totally unplug. If you can’t do it, that is an HR matter. Seriously. It means that the staffing and resourcing for your team is wrong.

You will notice I am not suggesting you delegate more, because every situation like yours I have ever seen suggests that you are either already doing that or you don’t have anyone to delegate to. If that is the case, you need more people. Fight for it.

This is a crossroads moment for you. And I know you know that, or you wouldn’t have written this letter. The only person who can put up the hand, stop the train, call a time out, and rebuild your work life so it makes sense is you. Your number one priority is personal sustainability so that you can continue to contribute to your organization, grow your career, and enjoy your life.

The moment is now.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have raised three children while working full time. I am now a senior executive. I love my job and am normally a very even-keeled, cheerful person.

Recently, however, I am feeling out of sorts. What does it mean when everything is irritating and everyone is aggravating? Thought you might have some ideas for me.

Vexed

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Vexed,

These days, of course, my first thought is that you might be coming down with Covid, the flu, RSV, strep throat, bronchitis, or pneumonia.

Once you’ve ruled that out, you have to look at the big life events that, even if positive, can cause massive stress. On the positive list, are you moving your home? Getting married? Planning a wedding for one of your kids? Have you gotten a puppy? (Don’t even get me started on the puppy thing.) All of those events can really knock you off center, even if they are wonderful and fun. And then the not-so-fun biggie: Perhaps you have lost someone you love recently and are still grieving, but are thinking you should be over it by now. I find that grief lasts a lot longer than anyone wants it to . And it can wreak all kinds of havoc.

If you aren’t sure, you can take the assessment on The American Institute of Stress website. There was no mention of global pandemics or significant political unrest, so that page needs to be updated.

If it isn’t big life stuff, it may be that you are tolerating entirely too much.

Tolerations are seemingly inconsequential little things that drain away your energy. Thomas Leonard, a trailblazer in the coaching profession, coined the word to describe all of the small stuff that takes up mental space and distracts us from the task at hand. Tolerations have a way of accumulating, like barnacles on the hull of a ship. A few are not a problem, but layers of them seriously impede the vessel’s speed and seaworthiness. A ship covered in barnacles will require twice the fuel to get to its destination than a ship with none.

It is such a simple construct, the idea of tolerations. These dumb little things, taken by themselves, are not a big deal—but when they add up they can make you feel like you are carrying rocks everywhere you go. Everyone has a critical mass. Some can put up with a lot more than others. The way you know yours has been reached is exactly how you described it: everything is irritating and everyone is aggravating.

Make a list of all the dumb little things you are putting up with around your house, at work, in your relationships. Identify a few you can knock down today or this week. You will be back on an even keel.

Examples might be helpful:

• You walk five miles a day and your shoes are shot.
• Your dog keeps scarfing food off the counter whenever you turn your back.
• The light bulb on your front porch is out and you can’t see well enough to put your key in the lock. And you live someplace really cold.
• Someone at work keeps scheduling meetings over meetings you have committed to. They can easily see your available time but are somehow not checking.
• You never wear half of what’s in your closet, and there is no room for new things.
• You have stuff in your freezer from 2019.
• Your folder system on your computer is outdated and it takes 6 clicks to get to the stuff you are currently working on.
• Someone has stolen your phone charger in the kitchen so you can’t plug it in so you can listen to your podcasts while making dinner.
• You know you are paying for subscriptions you never use but haven’t taken the time to cancel all of them.
• The person in the household who is supposed to take the trash out has to be asked. Repeatedly.
• The person who thinks you should be taking the trash out has a different definition of full than you do.
• You need new windshield wipers, but only remember when it rains.
• Every time you pick up your mail, you swear to yourself you will move everything to paperless billing, but you keep forgetting.
• You need a new battery for your TV remote. It still kind of works, but only sporadically. It needs a special battery that you never have on hand.
• Your favorite plant is doing so well that it needs to be re-potted.
• You are tired of your book club but worry that quitting will hurt someone’s feelings.
• You are a serious golfer and hate your putter.
• Someone in your life does not plan well, and they consistently try to make their perfectly avoidable emergencies your problem.

See? Little things. Dumb. No big deal. But you probably have over 25 right now, which is the upper limit for most people. Get some of them off the list, and you will be back to your cheerful, even-keeled self in no time. I promise.

Tolerations tend to build up over time, and I highly recommend making a list twice a year and creating a plan to address them all. It feels amazing.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have had a film/video production business with a cofounder and partner for about seven years. We have been friends since college. I am the business operations and sales guy; my partner is the creative one. Some difficulties in our company were coming to a head right before Covid hit. We ended up taking quite a long hiatus because of Covid and are now back in the trenches. All the problems we had previously are now intensified, and I am beginning to think I need to just walk away.

My partner—I will call him K—has become increasingly unstable. I am now seeing that what drives his terrible behavior is anxiety, which ramped up during the pandemic and is now really interfering with our work. When I bring in new projects, even though he participated fully in creating the plan so I could price it and staff it, he calls and yells questions at me. On jobs, he contradicts himself so that our employees and contractors get confused and make mistakes. Then he yells at people, telling them they are incompetent. He has fired a few people who were completely adequate. Of course I am the one left to clean up the mess, talk people off the ledge, make excuses for him, and find new people to replace the ones he fired for no reason.

I am worried someone will sue us. He is often rude to clients and has put many different projects at risk. I know there is always a bit of an expectation that creative people are volatile—but his extreme behavior is ruining the business and my life.

He is brilliant when he isn’t acting nuts. I have spoken to his wife about it, and we both agree he needs to get help and, hopefully, medication. I am not really sure how to proceed. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Tired of Cleaning Up the Mess

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Tired,

My heart aches for you. This is an old friendship, your professional reputation, and your livelihood all wrapped up in one big disaster.

When it comes to mental health topics I am way out of my league, so I can’t advise on what exactly is wrong with K. However, I have had a fair amount of experience with people who struggle with anxiety and are affected by unreasonable behavior so I can certainly empathize with how tricky dealing with this situation can be.

The very short story here is that you must take care of the business, yourself, and, as much as is possible, K. In that order.

The longer story is this: If you weren’t tied up in business with K, and literally at his mercy in terms of your clients, your employees, and your income, you could draw some boundaries and leave it at that. But in this situation you are essentially being forced to do something. You just can’t allow this situation to continue or, God forbid, get even worse.

It is good that you have K’s wife’s support, because I think the two of you will have to sit down with K and have the hard “you need help” conversation. In some circles it might be called a psychological intervention. Again, this is not really my field, so you might consider hiring a consultant who knows what they are doing to help the two of you plan and execute something that could work. You might consult the National Association for Mental Illness (NAMI) website to get more information and find resources.

If you are thinking, “Oh no! I don’t think things are that bad,” I say, “Think again, my friend.” What you have described is not okay, and you must put a stop to it. The one thing I know from experience is that we all tend to normalize behavior that is out of bounds in an effort to keep the peace and not rock the boat. We do this until there is an incident that we can’t normalize, and you are headed straight for one of those. There will be a lawsuit—or worse, someone will get hurt or feel threatened enough to call 911. Please don’t wait for that.

Sit down and make a list of all the incidents you can remember where K’s irrational behavior caused loss of time, money, or staff members. It will probably shock you, and that would be a good thing. You need those concrete examples to make a coherent case for need for a change.

In the meantime, you need a Plan B. Explore potential partnerships with other creative talent who can step in, either as a stop gap or permanently, to keep your business going. Review your legal agreements to see what you can do to protect yourself in case K quits in a huff or needs to take time off.

I understand your desire to walk away. If you and K weren’t such longtime friends, you probably already would have. But you clearly feel an obligation to your partnership and to the friendship, so you will regret it if you don’t at least try to impact this situation. It might end up costing you, but if you have your ducks in a row, at least it won’t cost you the business. You will be sad but not destitute.

If you don’t take action, you could easily end up losing everything you have built. There is simply no other option in the face of a brewing mental health crisis.

Not the answer you were looking for, I am sure. I am so sorry.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the executive director of a well established not-for-profit organization. I am passionate about our mission, and I know we do great things for our community.

My problem is that I am exhausted—physically, mentally, and psychologically. We have recently been through a couple of big hiccups with one bad hire, one very reliable director who has had to go out on medical leave, and some intractable logistical issues.

It just never seems to end. Problems come at me all day and it would take 12- to 14-hour days to get it all done. That would probably be okay, but I have kids at home and a partner who is getting fed up with my mono-focus on the job.

I know I need to bring in more of the right kind of help, but hiring takes a lot of time—and I am gun-shy from the last hire that turned out to be nightmare. I never have time to think anything through. I am in constant reaction mode.

I have always been driven and I just don’t seem to be able to turn it off—especially when there are so many critical things that need my attention. I envy people who don’t have to work, because they can go to yoga and take walks—things I have always done to stay centered. I can’t remember the last time I did either.

There has to be a better way but I just don’t know what it might be. Would appreciate your thoughts.

Feeling so Done

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Dear Feeling so Done,

Boy, do I understand your situation. It sounds very familiar, and very difficult. I would say almost every client I work with—every one of them as driven as you—is up against similar circumstances. The rapid change everyone is dealing with, the challenge of finding the right people to fill important roles, and the constant press of needing to do more with fewer resources are all conspiring to push many folks to the brink.

Here is the thing, FsD. Your nature—to set big audacious goals and then drive toward them with unwavering commitment—is part of the problem. It can be easy, when you have experienced real success because of your drive, to let your drive take over your life. But now it is impacting your mental health and your family life. Drive is like any kind of useful energy—let’s say fire. A well controlled fire is a miracle, and useful in innumerable ways. But an uncontrolled fire is a disaster. It is up to you to use this uncomfortable moment to make a permanent change—from letting your drive have power over you to leveraging your drive to power you. Drive is a wonderful gift. But like all great gifts, it has a dark side.

At the risk of offending you, I might submit that your boss is a relentless task master who needs to cease and desist. Of course, your boss is you. If you go down, which you will if you keep this up, the whole house of cards will go down. It is up to you to stop the madness. Have a chat with your boss (take a walk and have a long chat with yourself) and negotiate for a saner way through this difficult time. You are down two important people, so you simply aren’t going to be able to accomplish everything you had planned. Look at your calendar and cancel stuff.

“I can’t!” you are silently screaming. To which I reply, “Yes you can, and you must!” But how?

• Call people you have made commitments to and negotiate a change in deadline and/or deliverables.
• Block off your calendar for a walk or a yoga class every day. I promise you that you will be much better equipped to deal with all of the problems that need solutions. You will think more clearly, be better at creative problem solving, and be much more optimistic. All of the research shows that this is true—and you know it is true from your own experience.
• Choose a couple of things that you will put off until you are properly staffed.
• Work with your partner to understand what their complaints are and what they think would be satisfactory from you in terms of after-work time. Negotiate an approach you believe you can commit to, and then follow through. If you decide to be home to be with family at 6:00, don’t schedule any meetings after 5:00 so you have time to review the day, look at the next day, carry over tasks, and breathe. That way, when you walk through the door you can be fully present with the people you love the most in the world. People like you really need the full support of their family. And your family can tell you how much they really need you at home: what is “nice to have” and what is “have to have” for them.

I think of these techniques as personal sustainability: these are the things you need to do to go the distance. If you keep going the way you are currently going, you will just burn yourself to the ground.

A word about envy: I learned this from my dear friend and colleague Laura Berman Fortgang, and I have never heard anyone else say it. But I think it is so true. Envy is simply data. It is information about your deepest desires, your wildest dreams. So when you notice that you get a stab of envy when you see others going to yoga, or taking their walks, that is an indication of exactly how critical it is to you. Let your envy inform your priorities.

There is no shame in stepping back and reshuffling priorities in the face of changed circumstances. The problems coming at you will still be there tomorrow. Your to-do list will be there tomorrow. Remind yourself that nobody will actually die if you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

No one else can do it for you, FsD. Only you can reclaim your sanity. You have everything you need to do it—you just have to decide that you are going to.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lost my identical twin brother to COVID late last spring. Of course there was no service, and I organized a Zoom event that was almost too sad to bear. A cousin was also infected, and lived, but has many brain-related long-hauler symptoms and has had to go on disability. This leads me to suspect that possibly, genetically, I may have real reason to worry.

My company just announced it will be reopening on April 1 and everyone is expected to be back in the office on that day. The way the vaccine rollout is going where I live, I can’t imagine I will have a chance to get mine by that date. I have no underlying conditions and am only 42. I am married to a health care worker and she got her vaccine, so I don’t worry about her. At the beginning we were on high alert, but thankfully she managed to stay safe.

What worries me most is that many of my colleagues are anti-mask and do not believe COVID is a real risk. Clearly, I have deep, painful experience of how real it is.

I talked to my boss about my concerns and he was not at all interested in hearing it. There are enough changes and big deals going on that he just can’t be bothered to lobby on my behalf. My performance has not given him cause to question my desire to continue working from home until I can get the vaccine. In fact, I am far more productive working from home than from the office—I never would have known that until this past year. Eliminating my commute and gaining quiet time I can’t get at the office have definitely helped me get more done.

I find myself looking for another job even though I am deeply invested in the one I have and I do like the company I work for, their rigid policies notwithstanding. My boss generally doesn’t interfere with me—but neither is he an advocate for me as a person, obviously.

I am so stressed out by this whole thing. I am losing sleep and finding it hard to concentrate on my work.

Trapped & Resentful

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Dear Trapped & Resentful,

Because we weren’t having enough fun, huh? Let’s review: you have been dealing with the fear of the COVID-19 virus, you were worried sick about your wife for months on end, and then you had the body blow of the loss of your brother. So even before your company’s announcement, you had adrenaline (the fight-or-flight neurotransmitter) and cortisol (a stress hormone) coursing through your system for over a year. This is not good.

Even if you didn’t have to go back to the office, I would highly recommend you do everything in your power to reduce your stress level. Google around and find some resource (there are so many!) for how to manage stress and anxiety. Mindfulness, breathing, meditation, yoga, prayer, exercise (even just going for a walk helps), journaling. If you have a dog or cat, spend some time just loving it up. It does wonderful things for an anxious brain, a galloping heart, and the soul.

Then you might want to get some support for dealing with your grief. One thing to know is grief is exhausting—and when compounded by fear and uncertainty, it is bound to feel like you are carrying a boulder around. Find a support group or a counselor and spend time taking care of yourself that way. After my mother died, I walked into walls for a year and there was nothing like COVID going on to make things even worse. Bereavement is a big deal. I urge you to take it seriously and get some help.

Now let’s talk about this work situation. I say WOW. Just wow. I am amazed your company is willing to put its people at risk. It is also hard to understand your boss’s lack of empathy. You might think about sharing this article on the importance of psychological safety with him—but would he read it? Probably not. So I say escalate to HR. They must understand the risks and possibility of a lawsuit, if not from you, from anyone who is freaked out—or worse, who contracts the virus. Possibly they can make an exception for you to work from home until you achieve maximum immunity two weeks after the second vaccine. Or they can approve some time off? Or you could take PTO if you have enough saved up?

I really think you need to take a stand for your own well-being by escalating this and involving someone who can help you out. Otherwise, your stress will continue to build and you could end up with some real regrets. I would hate for you to have regrets. I hate regrets. The best way to avoid the woulda-shoulda-couldas in the future is to take care of yourself now.

If no one in your company can help you, it probably makes sense to look for another job. Companies that aren’t willing to be flexible may have a big surprise ahead, since remote work is so much more acceptable now than it was before the pandemic. I know of several people who had to turn down jobs with their dream company before the pandemic because they didn’t have the option to move, but have joined up now that they can work remotely.

It has been said (by enough people that I can’t find a credible attribution) that resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. And you don’t need any more yuck than you already have going on.

So. Do something. Take Action. You will be so much the better for it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager. I like my company, I like my job, and I like my team. I have always received good performance reviews and my boss thinks I can do no wrong. I feel lucky, all things considered—this past year was as challenging for our company as it was for others, but we are doing okay.

My problem is that lately I’ve been flying off the handle. Things will be going fine, then something will set me off and the next thing you know I’m saying things I know I’ll regret. For example, one of my employees has a whiny voice that grates on my nerves and it is everything I can do to be civil with her. This kind of thing has been happening more and more, and after each time I promise myself not to let it happen again— but then, out of nowhere, it does.

No one has said anything yet but I can tell that my team members are nervous around me now, which also puts me on edge. I have to find a way to get control of this but I don’t know where to start.

What’s wrong with me?

Flying Off the Handle

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Dear Flying Off the Handle,

Something is wrong. Something is very wrong, and your brain knows it and wants you to pay attention. I want you to pay attention.

I appreciate that you have the self-awareness to notice that something is seriously out of whack and you must get to the bottom of it. Without more information, it is almost impossible for me to provide intelligent input. I started to cover all of the possibilities, but when my answer got way too long, I created a picture to sum it all up:

Here are the possibilities I see—from 1 (which should be a fairly simple fix) to 7 (which could be very serious).

1. Tolerations

A toleration is a teeny thing you are putting up with. One or two are fine—but when they start to accumulate, they can become a huge drain on your energy. Think of a toleration as a little pebble. One pebble in your pocket is not a problem. Even five would be fine. But twenty-five or more would cause a real issue.

The first step in eliminating tolerations is to name them. Write out all the things you are putting up with at work. Think of as many as you can. Write quickly. Aim for twenty-five. Start with your old laptop, your phone battery that is dying too quickly, your squeaky office chair, your cat who keeps napping on your keyboard and leaving cat fur everywhere, your outdated software that keeps reminding you to update, colleagues who don’t respond to emails, resources that get allocated to other people. Tolerations are usually things that, on their own, are not large enough to require your immediate attention—but they bug you just the same.

Next, triage and organize. Review your list and identify what you can change and what you can’t. Remember: listing what you are putting up with doesn’t make you a whiner; it’s actually the beginning of the process of eliminating the things that drain you and keep you from focusing on what is really important.

Then, take action. The power of tolerations comes from their buildup and their subsequent removal. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your state of mind is to literally change a light bulb in the hallway, clean out your email inbox, or go buy a longer phone charging cord. Dealing with tolerations has a magical way of putting a spring back in your step so you can get back to the business you most need to focus on. You can read more on Tolerations here.

2. Denial

Something has changed in your life and you’re pretending it’s OK when, in fact, it isn’t.

So what has changed? Anything? Have you moved your home? Separated from your spouse? Lost a beloved dog? Sent a kid off to college? Are you having an argument with a neighbor? Here is a link to a questionnaire to help you to assess potential changes you might be dealing with and their impact on stress levels.

If that’s not it, maybe something is going wrong at work that you’re in denial about.

What you’re describing was defined by Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking work Emotional Intelligence as an Amygdala Hijack. Essentially, it means that your pre-frontal cortex, the seat of judgment and self-regulation in your brain, has been overwhelmed and your limbic system has taken over with a fight-or-flight response. Do you somehow feel threatened? Maybe you have an enemy at work who is bullying you. Something is shorting your brain out or something new is “triggering” you. (I am not a fan of that word, but in this case, it could be apt.) Maybe you have been letting your team get away with bad behavior and you are finally sick of it. Maybe the whiny-voiced employee is actually whining, and you need to tell her to cut it out. If nothing is coming to mind, make a quick list of everything you are putting up with at work and see if something surprises you.

3. Emotional Illiteracy

Don’t be offended—I don’t mean to insult you. If you were to diagnose yourself as being emotionally illiterate, you wouldn’t be alone. One of my many coaches, Paul Cutright, always says: “People are never upset for the reason they think they are.” Most of us vaguely know when something is upsetting us but often have no idea exactly what it is, why it is upsetting, or, for that matter, which specific unpleasant emotion we are feeling. I have a personal theory that men, in particular, interpret all unpleasant emotions as anger and that is how those emotions get expressed. But the emotion could actually be concern, fear, uncertainty, hurt feelings, umbrage, exclusion, sadness. Personally, I often have no idea I am upset until I find myself being testy with someone who has done nothing to deserve my ire. I’ll have to go for a walk or do some writing to figure it out.

Susan David has done wonderful work on what she calls Emotional Agility. Her research supports the concept that the more we do the work to both understand what we are feeling and label it accurately, the better able we will be to express it and defuse the power of it. She offers all of her talks as well as a very cool quiz on her website. I suspect this might make a difference for you.

4. Lack of Self Care

I mentioned the pre-frontal cortex (PFC) earlier. It can easily become overwhelmed and then your limbic system has to take over. All of your ability to self-regulate and choose a response, rather than simply react, is managed by your PFC. The PFC is a resource hog, it needs a constant supply of glucose, rest, sleep, exercise, and hydration. If you have too much going on, are making too many decisions, aren’t taking proper breaks, aren’t eating so your blood sugar is too low, aren’t sleeping enough, or are otherwise failing to take care of yourself, your brain will start to show the wear and tear.

Have your regular self-care routines been interrupted? Have you had to miss your regular run or workout? Have you been skipping meals? Up all night worrying about climate change? Cut it out. Nobody is winning if you are off your game.

5. Burnout

Causes of burnout are varied and there is a disagreement about what it really is. It can be hard to pinpoint. Common causes are boredom, too much responsibility without corresponding authority, lack of autonomy, or no opportunity to achieve mastery.

It sounds like you have been doing the same job for a long time. Maybe you are bored. Boredom can creep up on you—this can be subtle because most people resist the truth. The thinking goes: “Things are going great, why mess with a good thing?” When was the last time you were challenged?

Or maybe you are just exhausted. If that’s the case, you are going to have to take a big step back and engage in some seriously extreme self-care. By this I mean take a vacation. Have you used your vacation time? Have you been having any fun at all?

6. Extreme Stress

This could be a combination of denial and emotional illiteracy supported by a culture that supports keeping a stiff upper lip and not complaining when things get hard.

I once worked with a client who was feeling apathetic about pretty much everything. About two months into the coaching, he casually mentioned that his partner had passed away four months back. I was stunned. Of course, it all made sense—the poor guy was grieving! When I said as much, he said “Oh no, that can’t be it; I had known for a long time that he was going to die so it wasn’t a surprise. I’m over it.” Hmmm. No. I understand that no one wants to wallow or feel sorry for themselves, but come on. We are all human, and we all have to process a lot of thoughts and feelings about big life events. Grieving, especially, is wildly misunderstood in Western culture and can deeply affect people for years. Take this stress assessment and see whether you are, indeed, dealing with extreme stress. The crazy thing is that even really positive events like a promotion, a financial windfall, or getting married can be highly stressful.

And let us not forget that we are all living in a period of plague and civil unrest that might be affecting you more than you are admitting to yourself. 

7. Medical Issue

I Googled around (which I don’t recommend unless you need to get nervous enough to get your butt into the doctor—in which case, be my guest). It is possible that you have some kind of health problem that is subtle but is wearing you down. If none of the above possibilities resonates, it would be smart to make a doctor’s appointment and get a full physical. Best case, you’ll get a full physical and find out you are in perfect health but just have a lot of tolerations. Worst case, you’ll find out something is wrong and catch it early, which can only be good.

As you embark on this journey of self-examination and reflection, you will probably be impatient with what feels like navel gazing. But the fact is, that is what is required of you now. When you are watching yourself behave in ways you don’t condone or understand, you must figure it out before it gets worse and causes a real problem. Talk to a close friend or your partner. Take a long walk and pretend you are being interviewed about your life. Pray if that’s your thing. Write it all down if that’s better for you. Just start to express what is in your heart. I am hoping that, with the structure I’ve laid out, you will stumble over what is going on.

In the meantime, I’d recommend you talk to your whole team about this. Just get the elephant in the room right out in the open. Tell them you have noticed that you have been unusually volatile and you are working to understand why and to manage the behavior. And it isn’t personal.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Don’t put your head in the sand now—get on it and stay on it. You’ll be so glad you did.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

2020 was quite a year and it was certainly reflected in the questions Madeleine received from her readers. Here is a list of the top five most-viewed columns. They tell a story of the year we’ve been through. Madeleine will be back next week with a new year of questions from well-meaning managers—possibly yours?  Best wishes for the New Year!

Feeling Anxious? Ask Madeleine

An early March column at the beginning of the pandemic when clients were canceling bookings and executives were calling emergency meetings to try to figure out a course of action. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feeling-anxious-ask-madeleine

Health Concerns about Working Instead of Staying Home? Ask Madeleine

Another early March column when business had slowed but some owners insisted managers show up for work and serve the few customers that were still coming in. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/health-concerns-about-working-instead-of-staying-home-ask-madeleine

Feel Like Your Team Is Losing It? Ask Madeleine

An April column where a manager thought getting everyone set up with the technology to work from home would be the biggest hurdle. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feel-like-your-team-is-losing-it-ask-madeleine

Less People, Same Amount of Work? Ask Madeleine

A July column where a reader expressed concern about how to successfully redeploy people to the busier parts of the business after furloughs. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/less-people-same-amount-of-work-ask-madeleine

Time to Move Beyond “Winging It”? Ask Madeleine

An August column from a senior leader who admits to “basically winging it” and wants to do better. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/time-to-move-beyond-winging-it-ask-madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I just read your column Feeling Overwhelmed in a New Role and I find myself in the exact same position. I recently took a role as manager, and on week one I started getting emails expecting deliverables. I came with enthusiasm wanting to bring positive impact, and of course my seven years of experience. But now on week four I already feel like I am a failure—like I am letting everyone down.

I have a to-do list the size of Africa and can’t seem to complete anything. I try to meditate and be patient with myself, but then an avalanche drops in. I am expected to make budget decisions and hiring decisions, and I am on my first month! And I feel that if I am honest and say “I need time to get it together—I can’t deliver on all these tasks,” that it’s some kind of cop-out.

I should also add that I have always had a sinking suspicion I am in the wrong career. But I don’t have a clue as to what the right career might be for me.

I am only 32 and already have early signs of hypertension. I am afraid this stress will either kill me or leave me with lifetime stress-related illnesses. Then I get so mad at myself and think, “Just quit!” But I have a dream of owning a farm and living in a tiny house. I am flustered and confused, overwhelmed, unhappy, and stressed. I feel like a failure. And I feel like I’m the only one dying in silence. PLEASE HELP.

Dying in Silence

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Dear Dying in Silence,

I am so sorry you are feeling so terrible. It sounds like you have a nasty negative spiral going on, and every little thing just piles on and makes things worse. Hypertension at 32 is worrisome. Your concern that your stress level over your job might kill you is even more worrisome. Your sympathetic nervous system is on high alert, so you are in a constant state of panic 24/7.

Job one is to calm down. You have dug yourself a hole in which your anxiety has gotten the best of you. If there is any way you can work with a therapist very quickly, I suggest you do it. If you can’t, you might watch this really smart video that describes exactly how anxiety works and how to reverse the anxiety cycle you are in.

Essentially, you need to change your thinking. All your stress seems to be caused by your own expectations. My first clue was “dying in silence.” So, for the love of all that is good, speak up. Get a coach, get a therapist, talk to your boss, go to HR. SPEAK UP.

The second clue in your letter was “And I feel like if I am honest and say ‘I need time to get it together, I can’t deliver on all these tasks,’ that’s some kind of cop out.” That is a made-up story that you have to change, right this minute. And I mean right this minute. Honestly, if we were speaking on the phone, I would be raising my voice right now.

Who knows where you got that story—maybe your family of origin or a former boss. Or you came from a role/job where you were actually able to get everything done. It doesn’t even matter. All that matters is that is that story that will kill you.

You need a new story that goes something like this: “I need some time to get it together. I can absolutely do all of this, just not all at the same time, and not this week.”

One of the biggest leaps from being an individual contributor to a manager is that you never, ever get to the end of the list. EVER. The list just grows, reforms, and gets re-prioritized. Some things you will never get to, and it will be because they weren’t important enough or the person you were doing it for forgot. Either way, nobody will die—except, of course, you if you don’t get hold of yourself.

Part of what employers expect when they hire someone in a management position is that the person will have enough experience to structure their time and manage expectations given all of the demands placed upon them. So all of these crazy demands are being made of you. It is up to you to create a plan for what you can accomplish by when, and to communicate this plan to whoever needs to know. You don’t mention a boss. Presumably you have one who is not helping you prioritize—or perhaps you are not communicating your lack of clarity about priorities, timelines and expectations. If you haven’t asked your boss for help, they are going to be awfully surprised when you drop dead of a heart attack because for some reason you thought you had to be superwoman.

 It isn’t copping out to stop, think, plan, prioritize, and communicate on timelines—it is being a responsible human being. You are 32. There is a good chance that up until now you have been a “good girl” your whole life. You lived up to everyone’s expectations of you, got good grades, got a good a job in which you crushed it—which is why you got promoted into a situation where you now have to let go of that good-girl persona and stop trying to be all things to all people and perfect at all times. One of the hardest things to learn at your stage of adult development is that you will absolutely, positively disappoint people. I promise it won’t kill you. But you can also disappoint people less by properly managing their expectations and not making promises you can’t keep.

So. It’s time to take a step back and get a grip. Make a mind map of the avalanche—everything that needs to be done, everything others ask of you, everything you think you need to do. Get it all out of your head and on a piece of flip chart paper. Then organize it: break down each thing into the smallest possible tasks and create a timeline for each one. Decide what you think needs to be done first, and if you aren’t sure, ask the person who is waiting for the deliverable. Once you have your list, send it to your boss with a note that says: “This is everything that needs to be done, in priority order. If you disagree with my plan please let me know; otherwise I will proceed according to this plan.” Any new deliverables asked of you get put into the plan. If someone tells you something is urgent, ask your boss if you can bump something else. Or better yet, just say no. People will happily fob off their late requests or emergencies of their own making on to you if you let them. And, because you are the new kid, there is a good chance that people around you are testing to see to what extent they can push you around to get what they want when they want it. It isn’t their job to know how much you have on your plate and what you can and can’t do. It is yours.

Once you have calmed down and brought your new job into some kind of perspective, you can think about the fact that you may be in the wrong career. You may very well be—but I guarantee you have a better chance of figuring that out while you have a job and can pay your bills. If you up and quit, it will create a whole host of new problems that will cause new kinds of anxiety. And once you can think straight, maybe you will see how you can get to where you want to be from where you are.

It is hard to be creative when you feel like you are dying. One of my dearest coach friends, Laura Berman Fortgang, has a terrific system called Now What? to help people who suspect they are on the wrong road find the one that is right for them. You have plenty of time. I know you don’t feel that way, but truly, you do. And if you don’t face your demons head on in the situation you’re in right now, you will simply take them with you to your next situation.

Your dream of owning a farm and living in a tiny house is beautiful, and there is no reason that you can’t make a long-term plan to achieve it. But. I know some farmers, and the workload is never ending and backbreaking. And then, of course, there are massive forces out of your control to contend with, like weather. You can’t risk having a heart attack because there is too much rain. You will enjoy your dream a lot more if, when you do realize it, you have done the hard work of learning to manage priorities, getting the right kind of help, and devising standards for yourself that you can live with.

Next steps:

1. Calm down. Understand how your brain works and how to interrupt the downward anxiety spiral you are in.
2. Speak up. Get some help, any way you can. Now. You will not get fired because people around you realize you are a regular (albeit super competent) human being.
3. Change your story about what a cop-out is. Please. Please. Please.
4. Once you have settled down, start doing some career exploration.
5. Then, and only then, create your long-term plan to be a tiny house dweller with a charming farm.

My heart aches for you, Dying in Silence. I only wish your situation weren’t so common. The suffering is rampant. But the power is in your hands and you must use it to save yourself. You must.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I thought I could take it, but now I am not so sure. I live in a state that is just now having an explosion of Covid-19 cases. I thought at this point things would be going back to semi-normal, yet it appears things are going from bad to worse.

My mother is in an assisted care facility and we can no longer visit her. My 87-year-old father needs me to bring him cooked meals and is going into a depression over not being able to visit my Mom.

My husband got laid off from what we thought was a secure job. There was no warning. He was told about it at work by someone in HR he didn’t know, and was walked from the building with a box just like in movies. No reason, no explanation, after fifteen years of steady promotions and top performance reviews. He is wandering around in shock. I am trying to be sympathetic but I find myself getting impatient and wanting him to start looking for another job. He’s taken out the kids’ old Xbox and is playing video games all day, and I think he’s smoking pot in the garage when he thinks I am sleeping. I want to scream.

I manage a group of project managers for a global supply chain company. Our business, deemed essential, went into a complete meltdown because of complications with China just when we were getting used to working from home and the endless video calls. I was forced to lay off half of my people. Although my company did a decent job, every one of my coworkers—those who are going, those who are staying, and my peers—are in various states of distress.

I volunteered to take a pay cut so I can only hope my job is safe, but I’m not sure if we can make our mortgage payments. My workload is insane because of the layoffs. I’m working very late every night, as are my remaining direct reports, some of whom are also dealing with young children at home. All of my close friends are also at a breaking point so I’m on the phone with them talking them off the ledge. I’m out of things to say to them.

Two of our adult children who have lost their jobs have moved back in with us to save money on rent. They are decent at the safety measures, but I just found out one of them went to a big house party last weekend—and my now-gamer husband has diabetes and asthma. You see how that might make me crazy? And our dog was just diagnosed with cancer, and there is no way we can afford the treatments.

Little things I’ve always let slide, like people leaving lights on or leaving the milk out to go sour, are sending me into a rage. I know how high the electric bill is. I know what groceries cost. We can no longer afford to be cavalier about these things.

We have had social justice riots in our town and just a mile from where I live a couple of major businesses were badly looted and my bank was burned down. My BANK! So, on top of everything else, I feel like the world is burning down and Armageddon is here.

I am exhausted. I feel like I am walking through quicksand. I know you’re going to tell me to take advantage of our EAP Therapy program—well, I did, and it didn’t go well. It took them two weeks to get back to me and another two weeks to set an appointment, and when I did get on the phone with a therapist, he was mean. He basically told me I needed to suck it up. It was everything I could do not to hang up on him.

I’ve always appreciated your answers, Madeleine, and I feel like this one is going to stump you. Are you going to tell me that I just need to suck it up? I don’t think I can. But I also don’t see an alternative.

Going Down in Flames

Dear Going Down in Flames,

Yeah. Whoa. Wow.

OK. I am not a mental health professional; I am just a coach. But more fundamentally, I am human being and my heart aches for you. Let’s just say it out loud: this is hard, hard, hard. This is the Dustbowl. This is The Blitz. Oh, wait, no. This is The Plague. It is real, and it is bad. And just when you think it can’t get worse: locusts, frogs, fire, floods.

I hope this is the hardest thing you will ever have to get through. And based on what you have already dealt with, you have evidence that you will get through it. I’m not saying there aren’t others who have it worse—there always are—but this is hard. And you have been heroic. But even heroes need time off.

So, no. I am not going to tell you to suck it up. You have had so much adrenaline and cortisol (a stress hormone) pumping through your system that you must find a way to rest. I am going to tell you to fold.

Just fold.

Take a day, two days, whatever you need, and step away from the fire fight. Crawl into a fox hole. Forget work. Take some time away. And if they fire you for it, well, so be it. It’s only a matter of time before you lose it and start yelling at your manager anyway, at the rate you are going. I won’t bore you with the neuroscience, but take my word for it when I say that a human being can take only so much and no more. So do the opposite of sucking it up. Fold.

Make your kids go to the grocery store, cook, and take food to your dad.

Email your boss and your direct reports that you are taking some time.

Fold.

Turn off your phone, go into your bathroom, lock the door, and take a long bubble bath. Then get into bed and watch Sophie’s Choice and cry through the entire thing. If that isn’t going to work for you, choose something else—Marley and Me might do it—and have a good cry. Get into bed and cry. Cry a lot. Mourn your safety and your certainty. Let yourself grieve for the past, when power bills were not an issue. Allow yourself to feel the shock of your stalwart husband reverting to adolescence. Go to your dad’s house, stand six feet away from him, and cry about your mom together. Lament the loss of your dreams and dashed expectations of what you thought this part of your life would be. Pet the dog and cry about the cancer. Just give in and feel it all.

When I was young, I thought the book of Job in the Bible was a laughable exaggeration. No more. It really is astonishing how rough things can get, and it feels awfully personal. So, go ahead and wail Why Me? at the moon.

Go for a long walk and complain out loud to yourself. Everything you are managing, putting up with, tolerating. Every protest, grumble, unfairness, injustice.

Then, revolt.

You seem to be carrying this entire load by yourself and you must insist that your perfectly able-bodied family help out. Get your (you did say adult) children who won’t turn the lights off and your husband into the living room, sit them down, and read them the riot act. You can be nice, but be firm.

Tell them you have reached your limit. They may have noticed that you were recently sobbing in bed, so possibly they have already gotten the memo. Tell your kids they need to suck it up. Behave themselves. Put the milk away. Stop taking risks. Find new jobs. Pay rent. Tell your husband exactly what he needs to do to help and contribute. He already got to fold; now he needs to step up, get online and apply for unemployment, and look for another job. Cook the meals for your dad. Chores. Something.

OK? Don’t suck it up. First, go ahead and wallow. Then you must take a stand and insist that your family join you in the pulling the cart. Decide what you can do, and simply don’t do more than that. If you keep sending the message that you can take on more, more will be handed to you. So stop sending that message.

You will get your strength back and start to see some silver linings. Things will probably get worse, but they will get better eventually. You have to settle in for the marathon and conserve your energy.

I am really sorry that your therapist was a meanie. I just don’t get that at all, but who knows, maybe he is up against it too and was having a horrible day. It happens—therapists are only human. Could you try again and get another one? Finding a great therapist is a little like finding the prince. You have to kiss a lot of frogs.

And, I am really, really sorry about your pooch. That is just adding insult to injury.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the GM for a small brewery that has been shut down during the COVID-19 crisis as non-essential. However, the owner believes it is still worthwhile to stay open to serve take-out customers, which is allowed according to the shutdown rules. Because I am the GM, I have been designated as the lone onsite worker. I am happy to still have some work instead of going to zero revenue, but I am worried that I might contract the virus or bring it home to my roommates.

I thought staying open for takeout was a good idea until a few days ago, when the lockdown took effect in our area. The takeout business has now trickled to almost nil. I have tried to reason with my boss, but he insists that I need to show up for work and serve the few customers that are still coming in.

Before, I felt the risk I was taking was worth it to keep the business afloat. But now with sales slowed to a standstill, it just seems stupid to me.

Because I have asthma, my anxiety is ratcheting up as each day goes by. Can I be fired if I don’t want to work during this time? I would much rather stay safe at home and collect unemployment.

Agitated

Dear Agitated,

I can empathize with your anxiety. I recently watched a video on how to safely grocery shop and get your groceries home and stored properly. I have been doing it all wrong! We all need to seriously up our game to stay safe right now, and even then there are no guarantees.

I really can’t give you legal advice, as I am sure you are aware. All states have different regulations around the meaning of “lockdown” and “essential business.” You can probably get the detail you need on your state’s protections for employees online. To stay on top of California’s updates, I have been using the New York Times website that tracks all states. I poked around to find a real answer to your question and didn’t find much—probably because the situation you are in, although common right now, is still a fresh one. Here is one article that directly addresses the issue of how “essential” is defined—loosely—and what employees can do if they are forced to work under what they feel are unsafe conditions.

The most important thing right now is your assurance that it is safe for you to continue working. I assume the owners are providing you with everything you need to protect yourself—if not, I say you should leave right now.

Let’s say you do have all the protections you need. After educating yourself on all the precautions necessary, do you still believe you are taking a risk? My sense is that your answer is probably yes. If that is the case, you need to go back to your bosses and move past trying to talk reason to saying you are not signed up for this job. If the owners are so hell-bent on staying open, it is up to them to serve the odd customer who needs a growler filled. If that gets you fired, well, fine—then you can get unemployment. When this dark time is behind us, you can go get a new job in a company that makes the safety of their employees a priority.

If on the other hand you carefully review your situation and think, “Okay, this is safe enough, I can do this,” then why not? In another week or two, you will probably appreciate being able to get out of your house.

We have to balance our fear with common sense. I know it is hard to do. I keep convincing myself I am sick because I am short of breath, only to realize that it is because I am holding my breath. That isn’t helpful.

So move slowly, take all precautions, breathe, and stay fully present to each moment. You will know the right thing to do.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am uber conscientious and a perfectionist—and I can’t seem to stop. I was promoted a year ago and have a very professional and trustworthy team, but I am addicted to reviewing everyone’s work and making small edits and changes. I am staying way too late at the office and my husband is getting really annoyed with me. I know I’m overworking—but maybe more critically, I’m focused on the wrong things. I’m not paying enough attention to the tasks that are going to advance me professionally.

I know intellectually that I can’t dot every I and cross every T, but I just don’t know how to change. I keep telling myself I’m going to do things differently, but I just continue these compulsive behaviors. I’ve never found myself in this kind of situation. I used to be much more adaptable.

What do you suggest?

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

It sounds like you’re in a hard place where your behavior is causing you real suffering. The good news is that your self-awareness is breathtaking, so you have that going for you. One of two things is going on here: you are simply stuck in a big fat rut that you can succeed in blasting yourself out of, or you’re going to need some professional help to get back on an even keel.

There’s no shame in getting help. If your company has an employee assistance program, I’d highly recommend that you take advantage of it. Just a couple of sessions with a trained therapist might do you a lot of good. I’m not implying there is anything wrong with you—but you sound overwhelmed and unhappy. I don’t think it would hurt to talk things through and get some perspective.

On your own, you can do a few things immediately to shift your situation.

First, stop. Just stop. Your brain has gotten into the habit of being on an endless loop, and you have to interrupt it. Neuroscientists have a saying: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means you have well-worn neural pathways that make it easy for your brain to simply default to your usual way of operating. So STOP. Change your routine, change the scene, change it all up. Take a couple of vacation days and go for walks. Look at a horizon. Spend some time in nature. These aren’t just nice-to-haves—they all have been proven to change brain chemistry.

Next, make a list of all the habits you have created (most of which have made you successful, by the way) that need to change. It feels counterintuitive, but it is critical. You have to stop doing things that don’t serve you, so you can start doing things that do serve you. This sounds shockingly obvious, right? And yet—not everything that is simple is easy. If you want to learn more about the way we create and undo habits, you can read up on it here.

As you look to undo habits that aren’t serving you, remember that you can’t change everything at once. Prioritize the one or two things you want to stop or start that will make the biggest impact on your work processes. Maybe it is simply making a commitment to stop checking your people’s work. For example, you could announce that you will no longer be checking certain kinds of work. You can tell your team that you realize you have been overdoing the control thing, and it’s time to stop. Make sure they all understand your standards for what a good job looks like. (Please note: I don’t mean this has to be the first thing you do; it is just an example.)

Be sure to enlist others. You’ll need some support to make the changes you want to make. Discuss the situation with your manager if you can. Ask for a coach if that is possible. Enlist the help of a good friend you trust who knows you. It can be hard, but you should ask for exactly what you want and need.

Remember your past success. You know you have changed and have been adaptable in the past—you might think about looking back on what has helped you before. Self-awareness is the first step and you have that. Don’t stop there. You can do this, Stuck. You have done it before, and you can do it again. Take a step back, take a deep breath, get some perspective, set your goals, decide what to change, enlist others, and get help where you can. Help is available to you, and help is good.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Many leaders I work with know they would benefit from developing new skills but aren’t sure how to fit learning into their already packed schedule. I encourage them to think of their workplace as an on-the-job learning lab or playground where they can experiment with a new skill or behavior. I use this language because I think it’s best not to think of skill development as a big, serious task. Learners can relax into the learning by playing with it from different angles.

How about you? Are you putting off learning new things until the time feels right? Here are five strategies to help you get started.

• Choose one skill or behavior you want to acquire or improve. Get clear on one tool you want to add to your repertoire. Developing a new skill or behavior takes your best effort, so focusing on just one development area at a time prevents you from getting overwhelmed or diluting your efforts.

• Check your motivation. Do you truly want to develop this skill, or is it something you’ve selected because you think it might look good on your resume? Skill development requires that you be intentional and roll up your sleeves to hone what you want to learn. Internal motivation makes it much easier to put in the time and do the work.

• Create an image of what good looks like. Let’s say you want to become a more effective presenter. Once you determine you want to add that skill, create an image for yourself of what being a more effective presenter would look like. You can start by noticing good and not-so-good presentation skills of others around you—including people you work with, friends, family, or even the person giving away samples at a grocery store. After observing for a while, you will have created your vision of an effective presenter.

• Put your development plan together. Once you have your image defined, what you will you actually do to gain this new skill? If you aren’t sure, watch other presenters in person or online to see what they do that feels authentic to you. Seek advice and support from people who have presentation experience. Read books or articles on the topic. Look for tips, tricks, and suggestions that motivate you and resonate with who you are as a person.

• Ready, set, go. On the job is the best place to practice a new behavior—but use care. If you want to add presentation skills to your tool kit, it’s probably not best to start by volunteering to present to your executive leadership team. Start small, then build up your opportunities for practice as your skill level increases.

You don’t have to wait until your calendar opens up to work on skill development. You can practice on the job in the learning lab that is your workplace. Put these five strategies to work and take the first step today!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Hi Madeleine,

I work in a membership organization with a very old-fashioned outlook and a hierarchical structure. I am not a manager, but I did have one direct report at a previous employer. I am very interested in management and leadership and intend to have other management roles in the future.

Management practices here, although not toxic, are very poor. A couple of examples: beyond the broadest headline results, no one is allowed to know the decisions made at the monthly senior management meeting, even if you submit a topic for consideration. You certainly can’t attend in person to present. Offices are in an open plan that is set apart from the senior managers, who never venture out of their areas to engage with their teams.

I’m not planning to remain here very long, but I need to gain some specific skills and knowledge before I move on. My question is this: do you have any suggestions on how to deal with poor management, apart from sucking it up and learning more about how not to do things? I feel very much alone in delivering my objectives, although my manager fondly believes she is supporting me.

I know I can’t singlehandedly change this organization’s culture. I do my best to be professional and positive, but I am often seething inside. I’d be very grateful for your perspective.

Seething

Dear Seething,

I think in some organizations, your point of view might be sought out and welcomed—but probably not in yours. The passionate experts of best management and leadership practices will all tell you that the people and organizations who most need improvement are the ones who are the most oblivious and the most resistant to it. It is the way of the world, sadly.

It is possible your organization would be open to hearing your opinions during your exit interview, especially if you are an exemplary employee. And, of course, you can always write a review on Glass Door, or leave some of your favorite management books lying around the office. If your manager actually seems to care about supporting you, clueless though she may be, take the opportunity to ask her questions and seek to understand her experience, approach, and point of view. Understanding and walking in another’s shoes may help you manage your rage.

Which brings me to the seething thing, which is cause for concern. Anger can be useful. It can help you identify your own needs and values, which in this case is clearly happening. However, unexpressed anger can literally make you sick or cause you to blow up at work in a way that will tank any chance of getting a glowing recommendation. So I encourage you to find a way to simmer the seething. How, you might ask? The most obvious way is to get out of there as soon as possible—but you know that. You say you have some specific knowledge and skills to gain before moving on, but I wonder if those are worth the cost. You have made the decision, though, so you may have blinders on to the possibility that you could acquire those skills someplace more aligned with your values.

If you insist on sticking with your plan, here are some other ideas:

• Pay attention to what is working at your organization. They can’t all be total buffoons. The more you obsess about what management does wrong, the more evidence you will find to support your case. We all do this. It is a form of confirmation bias, and it is worth noticing in yourself. Flip what you pay attention to and start to notice what they do well, or even half decently.

• Meditate. Ten minutes of meditation has been shown to lower blood pressure—significantly—and keep it down for the whole day. Google it. There a million apps that will help you.

• Get more exercise. A couple of extra kickboxing classes a week wouldn’t hurt. Just calm down some of that adrenaline.

• Find the humor. Create a stand-up routine for your group of friends. Start a funny anti-bad-manager blog. Where do you think Dilbert came from?

• Vent with a friend who doesn’t mind it. Set a timer for seven minutes and just let ‘er rip. Then stop and move on.

Ultimately, if you really can’t change a situation, your only choice is to change how you respond to it. You have an opportunity right now to make the decision to choose a different response. Until you can get out, your best bet is to challenge yourself to do that. Treat this like the AFGO (Another Freaking Growth Opportunity) it is. AFGO’s are never particularly welcome or fun, but they sure are valuable.

Sorry.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a regional VP for a global services company. I get excellent performance reviews, have been promoted regularly, and have had some employees tell me I’m the best boss they’ve ever had. I am ambitious and on track to be a senior leader in the company.

Five directors report to me. Our organization has been growing fast and they all need to get up to speed more quickly than they have been doing, so we are all working long days and the work is intense.

My problem is one of my guys I will call M. His mother’s health started failing about nine months ago and he asked for a transfer so her could be closer to her. He is an only child and is all his mother has. I pulled a lot of strings, moved a lot of puzzle pieces, and made it happen for him.

This would all be fine and well—but now, six months later, M is in way over his head. He can’t possibly do what is necessary to both do his job and take care of his mother. He is making mistakes because he is so stressed. I’ve been covering for him and asking his peers to pick up the slack, but I’m getting exhausted. I just can’t keep up with the work. The rest of the team feels the same way.

I worry that M won’t be able to get by financially if I ask him to take a leave of absence (our company doesn’t have paid long-term family leave). I don’t know what to do. I’m going to feel like a terrible person if I force him to take leave, but I can’t go on this way. Help.

Man Down

Dear Man Down,

I’m late with my column this week because I’ve thought about this, dreamed about it, and talked to five people about it. This is heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry you are under so much pressure.

I can’t help but wonder where your boss and your HR business partner are in all of this. It appears that you are expected to deal with this all by yourself, which doesn’t seem fair. So, first things first: you need to get some other folks involved here, because something’s gotta give. I would very surprised if your HR person doesn’t have some options they can share with you. This kind of situation is a constant in HR. Ask for help, right this minute. This is an emergency.

Next, let’s take a look at how you got here. Sounds like you are over-functioning for everyone around you. I suspect you’ve done this before and, in fact, have a long track record of doing it. Over-functioning works very well—especially for the people you are doing it for—until it starts to hurt you. What would happen if you just stopped? Well, I can tell you: you’d get a very clear picture of reality.

At least you are clear on the fact that this situation is unsustainable. (May I repeat your own words back to you? “I can’t go on this way.” You’re right; you can’t.) Get help. Get a temp. Hire some backup. Call in the cavalry. Yes, it will cost a little extra—too bad. You’ll never be a senior leader if you don’t take the opportunity to learn this lesson now. And you can never let things devolve like this again.

Let’s talk about M now. Was he an amazing performer before this situation? If so, then you need to do everything possible to keep him through this terrible time. Jim Collins, a researcher on what makes great companies and great leaders, talks about getting the right people on the bus. You can’t get where you want to go by doing everything yourself; you can only do it with the right people in the right roles. If M was a perfect fit and a star performer before this situation, get him some help. Be creative—lobby for extra budget with your boss. If he wasn’t that great a fit, maybe you can find him another role he might be better suited for in the organization that he can do part time.

Is that the meanest thing you have ever heard? It might be. It feels like kicking someone when they are down. But seriously, he must be feeling the pressure of not being able to properly do his job and of watching you and the rest of the team suffer. You aren’t doing him any favors letting things go on this way. The stress is not going to go away. You are ducking the hard decisions and the even harder conversation, Man Down, and it is time for you to step up.

When you try to solve everyone’s problems for them, you create new ones. Stop being a hero and face reality head on before the rest of team starts hating you and you start having panic attacks. You are the leader here, and you are responsible for finding a way to make the situation manageable and sustainable for as many people as possible—including yourself.

Being a leader is really hard. That is so harsh, I am so sorry. But it is the truth.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am terrible at my job and it is only a matter of time before I get fired. I don’t like any of my direct reports. I am supposed to do one-on-ones with them, but I find them so boring and whiny I can barely listen to them.

I am making errors because I can barely pay attention. My boss quit unexpectedly about three months ago and my motivation has gone downhill since then. I used to care and love coming to work, but everything has lost its luster. Help! I feel so…

Lost

Hi Lost,

I am so sorry. You sound very downtrodden and sad. You need to get immediate help. Go to HR and find out about any possible Employee Assistance Program that might be available. My company is tiny and there are posters for the EAP in the break room—I’ll bet your company has something that can get you at least a confidential session with a trained counselor.

It sounds like you are in grips of a serious depression, possibly triggered by your boss’s departure. This is not something to shrug off. This is serious, and you need to get help. Depression is fiendish and it makes you feel hopeless, but treatment can help. For more detail about depression try this website.

So the first thing to do is to try to get yourself some professional help. Next, call your best friend or a parent or a sibling—someone you can rely on to have your best interests at heart—and tell them how you are feeling. Get someone who knows you and loves you on your team right now and let them support you in getting the help you need.

Then make a list of things that would normally give you pleasure—playing with a dog, taking a bubble bath, walking in the woods, etc. Get outdoors. If activities that normally give you pleasure do not, then you are definitely suffering from depression. If they do give you some pleasure, all the better.

Please get help.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been with the same organization for eight years. My company offers anyone who has been here for seven years a reduced pay, three-month sabbatical. My boss keeps pestering me to schedule it and take one. (I totally get that this is a good problem for me to have.)

I don’t have a partner or kids. I know I should take advantage of this opportunity, but I have no idea what to do! I have been thinking about it for years and have always thought something would come to me, but it hasn’t. I am interested in a few things, but none quite enough to take a pay cut and leave the flow of my job.

I am at the point now where I think maybe I’m just not that interesting a person if all I really care about is my job. I am also worried that I will take my sabbatical, it won’t be the best thing ever, and I will have wasted my time and money. Any ideas would be appreciated because I feel stumped and—

Pressured

Dear Pressured,

I think the pressure to do something brilliant with your sabbatical makes it hard to be creative. My first thought was how jealous I am—but then I started wondering what the heck I would do if I had three months of footloose and fancy free. It is, in fact, kind of hard unless you’ve always wanted to write a book or travel all over the world, or unless you have an extensive bucket list.

I don’t know that you need my ideas, but I do have a couple of thoughts for you. Maybe, if we’re lucky, my readers will have some more suggestions in the comment section.

• What do you do in your free time? There might be some clues there. If you cook, maybe cooking school? If you do yoga, a yoga retreat?
• Do you volunteer? Maybe there are service opportunities in that area.
• You could go talk to your HR partner and see what other people have done. Your company may have service opportunities for sabbaticals in place. One of the organizations we work with has something called a Social Sabbatical where employees get to go do service work for a month. The company that organizes it is called Pyxera Global.
• Use my BFF Google to come up with some ideas. Look at this site I found: 100 Things to do with Your Sabbatical. I want to do about 92 of them.
• Talk to your friends. If you have always talked about wanting to do something specific, they will know.
• Is there something specific you could learn that would make you even better at your job? That might be an avenue.

The most important thing is to do a bunch of research. Then put a stake in the ground and take the leap. Just changing up your routine and learning something new will be good for your brain and your soul. It probably doesn’t have to be the whole three months—maybe you will only want to take a month or two. Anything you do will be an experience and a learning opportunity. But if you don’t take the opportunity to do something, I am afraid you will regret it.

Let me know what you end up choosing.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In his book The Inner Game of Tennis, author W. Timothy Gallwey states “Quieting the mind means less thinking, calculating, judging, worrying, fearing, hoping, trying, regretting, controlling, jittering, or distracting.” This familiar spinning, spinning, spinning of thoughts is the opposite of mindfulness. In fact, to quote Phil Jackson, former coach of the Chicago Bulls, you might call it jabbering.

As I’ve started to pay more attention to my thinking, I’ve found that I definitely engage in mental jabbering. Most of my jabber involves things that either happened in the past or may happen in the future. I must admit that when my mind jabbers I’m not paying attention to my experience from moment to moment.

As a coach, I’ve begun to notice that my clients also engage in lots of jabber. When I sense this is happening, I ask them questions to bring them into the present moment—which in reality is the only one they have.

So what’s the big deal about us calculating, planning, or reminiscing much of the time? When we jabber, we are missing many of the moments we have to live. We are on automatic pilot and not fully aware of what we are doing or experiencing. We eat without really tasting, look without really seeing, listen without really hearing, and touch without really feeling. In other words, we miss out on the texture of our life experience.

To stop jabbering means to quiet the mind and strive to be in the here and now. It means to gently bring yourself—or possibly a coaching client—back to the present moment. Of course, that’s easier said than done. So here’s some incentive.

When we quiet our mind, we are better able to:

• Fully experience the actual moment in front of us

• Maintain focus

• Manage our reactions/responses

• Reduce stress and anxiety

The list of the benefits of mindfulness could go on and on.

I’d like to encourage you to spend some time noticing where your thoughts are. Their location may just surprise you!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

When I met my husband, he was attending a prestigious business school. He graduated top of his class and was aggressively recruited by a big company. We thought he would rise quickly, get regular salary increases, and it would all be rosy. In the meantime, I would help out working as an admin and then I would stay home with the kids.

Well, he didn’t rise—in fact, he was let go after 18 months. Then he was fired from his next job. In all, he has been “downsized,” as he says, four times and is currently unemployed.

My plans to work and then stay home have gone in a different direction. It turns out I am really good at what I do and I really like working. My company paid for me to go to grad school at night, I have risen through the ranks, and now have an excellent job managing a team of professionals in a growing industry. I mostly do the second shift to allow me to spend time with our kids.

I keep trying to help and encourage my husband, but it’s not going well. When I make suggestions, he accuses me of lording my success over him. He rants about how smart he is and how well he did in business school. He says despite what I might think, I am really just a glorified admin, which really hurts my feelings.

My husband refuses to accept responsibility for anything that has happened. I am at a loss for how I can help him anymore. He is so depressed now he can barely get off the couch, much less show up well for a job interview. What would you do?

Can’t Help

Dear Can’t Help,

I am sorry your plans as a couple haven’t worked out the way you expected, but I am thrilled you found a job you are good at and enjoy.

My short answer about how you can help your husband is this: you can’t. Your husband has an underlying issue he is not dealing with that is keeping him from growing up and developing self-awareness about the part he has played in his work experiences.

When a person has had a lot of opportunity, has failed repeatedly, and then blames everyone but themselves for their lack of success, it is often due to a deeper problem—sometimes substance abuse or a personality disorder. Those two things are traditionally what keep people from being able to show up with their best foot forward and tell the truth about what is happening to them.

Sometimes people really do have terrible luck—but the fact that your husband is mean to you when you have clearly been supportive of him is an indicator that there is more going on here.

You and your husband need professional help. I am not sure what kind—but starting to work with a counselor or therapist would be a good first step. A professional will know what to look for and can recommend the right direction. Not every professional is going to be a good fit, so trust your own gut.

If your husband won’t go, go by yourself and get the support you need to take care of yourself. It is not unkind or unfeeling of you to stop providing help to someone who has not asked for it and in fact repays it with meanness. At this rate, you are going to run out of steam before too long, so I highly recommend you put yourself and your kids first.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I hate my job. I am just bored to tears. When I completed graduate school, I was recruited into what I thought was the perfect job for me—the job description was exactly what I was looking for. A year later, I am doing a ton of mindless administrative work and almost none of what was in the original job description.

I have tried to speak to my boss about this, but she says I need to pay my dues and that she will consider me for the next project that would suit my skills. In the meantime, my peers keep dumping their admin work on me.

I dread going to work. I have stopped going to the gym and I fear I am sliding into full-on depression, which I have a history with. It scares me. I would quit, but of course I have crushing student debt now. What do you think?

Bored to Tears, Maybe to Death

Dear Bored to Tears, Maybe to Death,

This is a terrible situation and I am so sorry. It must be really demoralizing to spend the money and make the big effort to complete an advanced educational program and then find yourself in a job that is killing your soul.

It sounds as if you are in a very bad way. Depression is no joke. I highly recommend that you find a therapist right now, I mean right this minute, to talk to and get some perspective. Given the details you provided, I suspect your company has an Employee Assistance Program and that you can probably get six sessions with a therapist. It will be totally private and will get you back on an even keel, back in the gym, and able to think straight. Exercise has been proven to be an excellent hedge against anxiety and depression, so get moving.

Once you have stopped the downward spiral, you will need to start an upward spiral. I hate to say it, but this probably involves looking for a new job. You may be able to make a go of it where you are now, but you would need to set a whole lot of boundaries and train everyone around you to see you in a new way.

Unfortunately, your boss and your peers have been getting away with treating you unfairly. I really don’t want to be mean, but people will continue unacceptable behavior as long as you allow it—and you have allowed it. Unless there was an upfront disclosure about having to pay dues with tasks that were not in your original job description, you seem to be the victim of some kind of bait-and-switch situation.

You didn’t say anything about salary, but I suspect they are underpaying you as well. And they will keep doing it as long as you put up with it. You may choose to have the hard conversation with your boss about how she needs to either upgrade all of your work assignments—now—or risk losing you. That conversation will go a whole lot better if you feel safe to leave, meaning you have another option.

The good news is that you have a graduate degree and a year’s worth of work experience under your belt. I think it is worth the push to brush up your resume and try hard to start over with a new organization and a new boss—who won’t take advantage of you because you won’t let them.

Get into action. In this order:

1. Get immediate help. Talk to a therapist, talk to friends, go to the gym.
2. Once stable, start applying for other jobs.
3. Use the new job possibility as leverage to fix your current situation; or simply walk away from people who do not have your back and go toward people who do.

It is really hard to stand up for yourself, Bored TTMTD, so you are going to need a lot of support. You are going to want to nurture your inner warrior. You might consider looking at Amy Cuddy’s work—her book is Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. The validity of some of her research has been challenged, but that does not diminish the power of her experience and work helping people who feel powerless to rise to a difficult occasion.

I am glad you wrote. I am sorry you are in such a rough spot. Get help. Now.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I run the office of compliance for the parent company of a large financial institution. We are attorneys, paralegals, and accounting professionals.

About a year ago, my boss was fired and I was made interim head of compliance. I’ve received no title change and no substantial raise, but they keep throwing stock at me. The organization is publicly traded and the CEO is all about shareholder value.

Since our growth has slowed, there has been a focus on the other way to constantly increase the bottom line: cutting headcount. As a result, I am now running on fumes with a skeleton staff and there is simply too much work for my team to do.

The challenge is that this entire house of cards depends on compliance. If a mistake is made—and it’s only a matter of time before it happens—it will be on me. I have spoken to the head of HR about this several times. Although he is sympathetic, the basic message is “Do the job or we will find someone else to do it.”

My people are past burnout, my hair has gone gray, and I am up at night with heart palpitations. I am ready to just walk away but it would really hurt the company, at least in the short term. My spouse is sick of my complaining and is ready to trim costs and do what is needed for me to jump ship and find a more reasonable job.

The problem? I can’t stand the thought of leaving unvested equity, worth quite a sum, on the table. I feel like a prisoner.

Gone Gray

Oh Gone Gray,

Please read your letter, out loud, to yourself. Or have someone else read it out loud to you so that you can hear yourself. You are an actual prisoner—of your own greed. Sorry. That is such an ugly word and it sounds so judgmental. But, as my mother used to say, “If the shoe fits…”

I do not actually judge you or fault you. You are only human, and this is a very human response to the possibility of big money. People stay in awful marriages and sell their souls in countless ways for big money. People spend their last dollar on lottery tickets when they should be buying milk for the kids because of the mirage of big money. Fairy tales, myths, half of Shakespeare’s plays, and a large percentage of all literature are devoted to the examination of the situation you are in right now.

What you need to do is simple but not necessarily easy: you must decide what is more important to you. Is it having a nice, fun job where you can succeed with a reasonable stress level? Or is it the promise of big money? There is one person—and one person only—who holds the key to the cell you are in.

Sorry to be the big meanie here; I really am. But a heart attack will be much meaner. I guarantee it.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Since I almost always ponder life through the filter of coaching, this brings to mind three of my recent clients:

–A leader who could feel herself heading toward overwhelm—not sleeping well, having to work hard in order to stay focused, feeling off her normal game and generally unbalanced.

–A client who felt stuck and frustrated—spinning his wheels on a project and going nowhere fast.

–A colleague who referred to her days as inefficient—bouncing from one thing to another and not getting anything fully completed.

As I thought about how to help these people, I was reminded again of something we as professional coaches often experience.  When common themes start showing up in our clients, it’s a signal to investigate the same theme in our own lives. “Know thyself” is a great piece of advice. Where was I feeling stuck? Where was I working hard but not getting results? How balanced did I feel?

This is something you may have experienced as well.  What trends have you been noticing in others that may be an internal signal for yourself?

Here are three ways to know when to grab for the mask:

1. You find yourself coaching everyone on the same focus topic
2. You feel off—not at your best—over time
3. You aren’t sleeping well

And here are three ways to begin a course correction:

1. Be aware—notice it. Claim it.
2. Breathe deeply—it is one of the best ways to reconnect brain and body, and can be done anywhere and anytime.
3. Practice the three Ps: Pause, Pray, and Ponder (or meditate)

Know when to reach for the oxygen mask. Take care of yourself so that you can continue to serve others. And don’t forget to breathe!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager in what is essentially a call center. I am hoping you can help me. I am too nice. 

I am a giver; I come from a long line of nice, generous givers. My Mom ran a dentist’s office and headed several volunteer committees, headed up events at our church and was forever dropping off casseroles for someone in the neighborhood who was having a crisis. 

People were always calling her and asking for help, money, favors. And while it irked me watching people take advantage of her sweet, patient generosity, I have somehow turned into her. People are taking advantage of me at work and in my personal life. 

The result is that I am a worn down frazzled wreck. I am exhausted all the time. I am neglecting the people I really care about, and certainly myself. My friends tell me that I need to have boundaries and say no, but I just don’t know how to do it. Help?

Worn Out

Dear Worn Out,

Givers are critical to communities and organizations, so on the behalf of humanity, I thank you.  And, I hear your pain and I have the prescription for you. Dr. Henry Cloud literally wrote the book on this: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life and you should get it STAT.

It is written specifically for Christians, but it works even if you aren’t Christian. Dr. Cloud helps people understand how to manage in a culture that encourages people to be nice and giving.

Having trouble with boundaries is often tied to deep seated psychological needs paired with strongly held values and requires more expertise, time and space to address than I can offer in a short blog post.  Dr. Cloud’s book will help you understand what is driving your behavior, and offer tips to help you overcome your resistance to changing it.  I can however, offer a couple of tactical tips that you might think about trying out immediately.

From this moment on don’t say “yes.”  To anything.  You don’t have to say no, not yet, that is the advanced class.  But when someone–anyone– asks you to do something, say “maybe, let me check my schedule and my commitments,” or “I would love to help out, let me think about it, check with my boss, discuss with my spouse…” Then say:  “Please check back with me next week and I will let you know.”  You may not want to do this with your boss, but you certainly can with anyone else.  This last part is important because it keeps the responsibility for follow up on the requestor – it isn’t one more thing you have to remember to do.

Make a list of what is most important to you and put everything in priority order.  Here is an example I have seen from others.

1. My Spouse and Kids
2. My Faith
3. My Parents
4. My Health & Well being
5. My Career

I personally have struggled and don’t always succeed at putting my own health and well being in the top three but I highly recommend that you try it.  Every time you help someone else, you are actually putting their needs before your own and causing more stress in your life. You need to ask yourself the hard question—are they worth it? You may be surprised that many of the people you go out of your way to help are at the bottom of your list, or not actually even on it.

Every time you consider something someone has asked you to do, check your other commitments to determine what is most important to you and see if you can fit it in.  Chances are you can’t without compromising your commitments to what you have said is at the top of your list.  Put your list on post it notes and place them everywhere you hang out, as a constant reminder.  This is just something to think about for now, when you start your serious work on boundaries, it will come in handy.

Reset expectations. You have trained untold amounts of people to believe that you will jump immediately to help them.  You will need to re-train them, and they will resist. Start by getting time on your side. Do not pick up the phone unless it is someone on your list.  Do not respond to texts right away from anyone not on your list.  Do not even open emails from someone not on your list except for at designated moments in your work day.  Take a deep breath, choose to do something that is a priority and move along.

If you put some time and space between yourself and the person who needs your immediate help, they will almost always find somebody else to help them by the time you loop back to them.

Repeat to yourself “I am not an infinite resource.” Remember, nobody is going to be served if you end up in the hospital with a case of whatever from wearing yourself down.

You are going to have to make some hard changes – get Dr. Cloud’s book or any other book on this topic and get to work. I am rooting for you Worn Out, truly I am.  You are an amazing, kind, and generous person.  You are also an endangered species that must be protected.  We need more people like you in the world, so please treat yourself like the precious resource you are.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am currently in an unfulfilling job. I also have digestive health issues that are not being resolved through diet and supplements.

I am a creative person and I long to travel. I currently want to leave my job and travel around the world to heal and to write about my experiences—a blog first, a book later.

But I have fears about financially surviving; about what will happen when I return from my travels; about my safety on the road; about not being able to get rid of my health issues; and even about how to write a book. How do I get past the fear and take the leap?

Afraid to Take the Leap

Dear Afraid to Take the Leap,

Oh, I hear your cry for freedom and it resonates deeply. But I’m torn between focusing on your fears and simply yelling “Go now before it’s too late!”

Obviously, I can’t tell what to do. Here is what I can tell you. You have a vision that leaving your job and traveling will be part of your healing process. You may think this kind of inspiration or calling is something that happens to people all the time. I can assure you this is not the case. In my experience there is a lot to be gained from heeding inner wisdom like this.

But there is no getting past fear. And while fear is designed to keep you from making stupid mistakes, the trick is to not let it also keep you from your heart’s desire.

All of your fears are well founded. Use them to help you prepare. Let’s take one at a time.

• Use your financial fears to ensure that you save up, sock away a reserve, and proceed frugally. Your worry about where you will land once you are done with your travels will guide you to set up some options for a soft landing.
• Safety on the road? Well, yes, that is reasonable; the world is frightening. Ask yourself what would make you feel safer. Finding travel companions? Taking a self-defense class?
• Your health problems may not be resolved; that’s true. The fact is that they may never go away, so you need to be prepared for that. But at least you know for sure that what you’ve already tried hasn’t worked. What can it hurt to try other things?
• Finally, you should be terrified by the idea of writing a book. I can tell you from personal experience that the only way to figure out how to write a book is to start writing.

There. Still scared? Sure you are. Because that was only the tip of the iceberg, right? The thing to do with fear is welcome it into your life. Make a list of every single fear you have and do everything you can to reasonably protect yourself from worst case scenarios.

Who knows what kinds of responsibilities you are going to assume in the future—spouse, children, aging parents? I always think part of my job as a coach is to work with people toward their having as few regrets as possible at the end of their lives. So maybe the question to ask yourself is Which choice would I regret most in five years: maintaining status quo or going for the big vision? There is a good chance that if you don’t seize the moment now for your grand adventure, you will regret it.

I am very much influenced by a lovely TED Talk that a friend shared with me recently. It is by Amy Krouse, a wonderful artist and writer who died of cancer last month at 51. Her talk is called “7 Notes on Life.” I wrote them down and taped them to my wall. The seven points, represented as notes on a musical scale, are:

• Always trust the magic
• Beckon the lovely (Amy said “I tend to believe whatever you decide to look for, you will find. Whatever you beckon will eventually beckon you.”)
• We are all Connected
• Do (take action)
• Cultivate Empty space
• Figure it out as you go
• Go to what makes you come alive

She did the talk in 2010, long before she knew that she would die of ovarian cancer in 7 years. I can only imagine that she lived by this code and sure was glad she did when it was all cut short.

You sound like a smart, rational person who would first prepare properly and then, in fact, be able to figure things out as you go. I always encourage my clients—and my children, for that matter—to keep moving toward the heat. But I like the way Amy says it: “Go to what makes you come alive.” How can that be a bad idea?

I am clearly biased on this one. It is my nature. That being said, if you decide not to leap, at the very least go find yourself a job that is fulfilling. Please let me know what you decide.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

So, now is a perfect time to take a moment to reflect on exactly that. There is an excellent structure for this that I have been using with clients for more than twenty years. I am pretty sure I didn’t make this up, but I don’t remember where I got it. What I did not anticipate when I started doing this exercise was the long term value of having these annual records. You think you will always remember everything—but I guarantee that is not true. The world is moving much too fast and we are processing so much information that making a record of your year is a wonderful gift to give your future self.

The activity must be done in writing and the structure is simplicity itself: you merely make a list of the following things:

• What went really well—what were my wins for the year?
• What did not go so well—what mistakes did I make and what were disappointments this year?
• What/who am I grateful for?
• What do I want to pay attention to in the next year?

That’s it. I recommend you start the document and then add to it over a short period of time—say a week. You will be surprised at what you have already forgotten that will bubble up.

There are a couple of ways to get even more out of this, but these are strictly for bonus points:

• Ask your significant other, best friend, or children to do the same exercise and then set aside time to share your lists.
• Pick up the phone and call, email, or text each person on your grateful list.

Happy New Year!

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

The latest theme has been self care. Self care can be a big challenge for those of us who are natural nurturers, because one of the ways we fill our energy tank is by giving to others. The problem is that when our tank runs low, we often tough it out and keep grinding away—even when we become completely ineffective.

In the past couple of weeks I’ve coached a number of people on this very challenge.  One of my clients, for example, has a huge project underway. She and her staff are working long hours to make sure that more than 150 people are successfully moved from one site to another.  She’s putting in 16-hour days and often forgets to eat. Another client has transitioned into a new role. His replacement is young, inexperienced, and overwhelmed, so my client is essentially doing both jobs with no light at the end of the tunnel. And then there’s me. The coach. The person who should know better—and the person who has apparently forgotten the adage all travelers know: always put on your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else.

The truth is that we all get caught up in situations where we put ourselves at the bottom of the list.  I love to coach clients on better self care and see them come back refreshed, with their energy tank filled up. It’s much harder to do that for myself.  But wait—I’m a coach! I can do this!

Here are four suggestions I’ve found useful for both my clients and myself:

1. Ask someone to simply listen—not solve, not correct, not observe, just listen.
2. Take mini-breaks: 1 minute to breathe deeply; 2 minutes to pet the dog; 3 minutes to listen to your favorite piece of music; or—think big here—10 minutes to take a brief walk.
3. Eat well. Grab a to-go salad rather than a burger and fries. Drink green tea instead of a soda. Snack on a handful of almonds instead of a candy bar. Fuel your body with something good at least once a day.
4. Learn to say no. No to extra work, no to babysitting your niece and nephew, no to a night out with friends if you are exhausted. Learn to say no to anything that makes you feel as if your to-do list has once again become insurmountable.

And the most important tip of all: keep at it! Self care isn’t something you do once in a while. We make choices every day that can either promote or hinder our well being.

What will you do today to take care of yourself?

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Take control of your brain.

When we aren’t actively focused on something—for example, if we are daydreaming or vaguely replaying our day—our brain goes into default mode—neuroscientists actually call it the default network. Scientists don’t understand this particular phenomenon very well, but I have spent the last few years noticing my own and others’ default patterns or habits.  When driving in the car or walking from one place to another, our default mode is either positive or, more often, negative.

Examples of negative thought patterns are:

• Reviewing your day and lamenting what you could have said instead of what you did say
• Wondering what others think of you
• Reviewing your to-do list even if you have it written down in three places
• Worrying about how long the line at the grocery store is going to be

The best way to stop a habit is to replace it with another one.  If you notice that your default mode tends to be negative, try substituting one of these positive habits:

• Visualize a map pointing out everyone who loves you—and imagine beaming love at them.
• Make a list in your head of everything you are grateful for. Be specific—for example, don’t just list “my health” if it is good; list all the things are great about being healthy: Your brain works well, enabling you to have an interesting job, and your knees work well, allowing you to practice yoga.
• If you find yourself complaining about something, think of what your life would be like without it. For example, if you are annoyed about sitting at a long traffic light, think about the chaos and gridlock that would exist if the light weren’t there!

Your brain is always working.  Help it move in a positive direction that serves you—who you want to be and where you want to go. Just because life moves fast doesn’t mean it can’t be wonderful and meaningful and special. As you plunge headlong into the last month of the year, give positive thought patterns a try!

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

If you are suffering from “excessive productivity,” here’s what I would recommend as your prescription.

Get rid of those things that don’t add value to your life. Take a moment to think of those things that are in your life that just don’t carry their weight. This could be at work or in your personal life; they aren’t necessarily bad, but are time wasters masquerading as productive efforts. There are many things in your life that can take your energy and time that aren’t adding value. They could be excessive meetings to satisfy your own need for control, social media that isn’t beneficial, or people in your life who don’t help you grow.

Learn to say no. This might be a hard one for you. To some, saying no implies that you can’t handle it or don’t have the skills to take on the task. Remember, everything that you say yes to means you are saying no to something else. Does what you are saying yes to align with your current focus? Is there something better that you could be doing? Take a serious moment to think about those things in your life and learn what to say yes to and what can wait. If you are focused and have a good sense of the big picture, then saying no will become a lot easier.

Get focus and clarity. Do you value being focused and clear? If not, maybe it’s time to take a brief self-inventory. Slowing down and processing your feelings and goals will help you to get really clear on where you want to be. Remember, this is about you and your focus on life and work. No one else is going to live your life. Be careful of being pulled into too many different directions that need to be taken care of “immediately.” If everything is urgent, then nothing is urgent. Be clear, focused, and methodical.

Slowing down is not stopping; it’s not being less productive. It’s being more focused on those things that really matter: what you value. Take control of your surroundings and make sure you are the one driving your life and not being a passenger.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a leader who is conscientious, caring, and committed. Now, at the middle of my career, I find myself becoming a bit resentful of working long hours. I am constantly in danger of losing my PTO and yet the stress of preparing to be off work, along with the avalanche of work when I return, makes it very hard to disconnect completely. 

I’ve read the research and I know I’m not being a good role model for my people when I take vacation time and then end up working through it—which just breeds more resentment. I have a great team and I delegate a LOT to them, but the amount of work we are all expected to do is intense. 

My boss says I need to take vacation and just not worry about it. Any ideas on how I can do that and not kill myself with work when I return? 

—Just Can’t Take a Vacation

Dear Just Can’t Take a Vacation,

Being at the middle of your career, in middle management, and feeling like the proverbial hamster on a wheel is notoriously common and really, really hard. In, fact, I wrote an article about it recently. I hope it will help a little.

The short story here is that you absolutely must must must must take care of yourself for the long haul or you will be a miserable human being. Before you know it, you will not be the wonderful conscientious, caring, and committed person you are now. You will die inside because resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.

So.

I am going to challenge you to go to your calendar app right now and schedule two weeks off. When you book your vacation, leave on a Tuesday and spend that Monday tying up loose ends, preparing everyone for you to be away. Then come home on the following Wednesday, and spend Thursday and Friday catching up. But DON’T TELL ANYONE YOU ARE DOING THIS. Leave all your emails in your outbox and let them go the night before you are supposed to be back.

That gives you a good week away and some nice padding on both ends to keep you sane.

You can decide you are going to work while on vacation—there’s no shame in that—but set some boundaries. For example, designate just one hour a day to check in and do not attend a single meeting. Keep in mind that when you do this, though, you train people to not let you take a vacation. If you decide not to work, I hate to tell you this—but you are going to have to turn your phone off. It can be done—I know because I have done it. And I have made my husband do it. You have kind of a little mini nervous breakdown on Day 2, and then you get over yourself and relax in way you haven’t experienced since before the internet. (You may still vaguely remember that.) I highly recommend it. And honestly, unless you are the only person on the planet who is curing cancer or engineering world peace, nobody will actually die if you take some time off. Including you.

You are a leader. And I really don’t want to be mean to you, but you are acting a little bit like a victim. It is time for you to make a choice to take care of yourself, defend your choice and stick to your choice. You will be smarter, more creative, and more interesting. You may feel a little buried when you get back, but you’ll have two full days to dig out. If you plan your vacation properly—meaning, it is something you really want to do with someone you really want to do it with—you won’t regret it.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

However, in our conversation she didn’t lead with her standards.  Instead, she questioned her boundaries.  She was uncomfortable because she had always heard that boundaries are needed to keep other people away—and that weak people had weak boundaries and pushy people had pushy boundaries.

As we spoke, I shared the truth about boundaries:  the reason we need boundaries is to protect and uphold our standards.  The purpose of boundaries is supportive, not defensive.

The illustration that I feel best symbolizes the relationship between boundaries and standards is that of a lighthouse. A lighthouse is solidly constructed and tall.  It is illuminated 24 hours a day and visible no matter what the weather.  A lighthouse is also well fortified, typically set on the summit of a rocky island with large rocks buttressing the impact of the waves of the ocean well before they can hit the lighthouse.

The lighthouse is you, with your standards in place. Your boundaries are represented in the care with which you have situated the lighthouse for support and protection.  Your boundaries keep you and your standards visible for all to see.  Nice, eh?

Your boundaries help you define who you are.  To effectively protect and support your standards, it’s likely that your boundaries will address two basic categories:  your time and your emotions.  Please consider the following questions to help you zero in on the boundaries you will need to claim and fortify.

• Do you have enough time?
  • If not, why not?
    • Is it because you say “yes” when you want to say “no”?
    • Are you everyone’s go-to person for support or advice, or to get things done?
      • Even though it tires you, do you secretly enjoy this go-to status?
    • How do the demands others place on you—which raid your time and emotional strength— support your standards?

To counter against her previous tradition of giving away her time and emotions, my client appropriately set boundaries bigger than she initially thought she’d need.  Here’s an example:  Rather than thinking how everyone is counting on you to chair a committee, remind yourself that you have a standard of telling the truth without becoming defensive.   You can practice a response (“I won’t be accepting any more committee work”) and have it ready to repeat as often as necessary.  It will be uncomfortable, and it may surprise some people, but it is worth it.

Benefits of extensive boundaries:

• You show you have respect for yourself
• Caring friends, colleagues, and family members will endorse you for extending your boundaries to support your standards
• You’ll attract like-minded people
• You will no longer feel drained or violated
• Your standards will have the room to rise when you so choose

By the end of the call, my client was pleased to have shifted her thinking about the role of boundaries— from pushing others away to supporting herself and her standards.

Will setting boundaries work for you?  Yes, it will. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

This past week, a client came into a coaching meeting feeling just that way. She intended to come to the session to cancel, and started out by saying, “I know I’ll have to forfeit this time with you…”

Rather than do that, I asked if she would be willing to spend just fifteen minutes with me. She agreed. We structured the call so she had three minutes to vent about her day, her week, and all of the things that were stressing her out. Then we tried four different techniques to lower her stress.

4 minutes for Guided Meditation: For four minutes, my client leaned back in her chair, closed her eyes and visualized herself in a mountain meadow. She imagined the sun on her face, the grass between her toes, and the sounds of birds chirping in the trees. With a little bit of guided meditation, she found herself relaxing and felt tension leaving her body.

3 minutes for Affirmations: For three minutes, my client said aloud the things she was most proud of—things she took personal responsibility for. “I am most proud of how I handle unhappy customers. I am proud of my progress on learning German. I am proud of my dedication to my job.” It became a list of the things she is good at that, coincidentally, fill her with energy.

2 minutes for Shifting Perspective: “I feel ____. I want to feel ____.” For one minute, my client acknowledged how she was feeling at that moment—rushed, tired, anxious, frustrated, like coaching might be a waste of time—and a litany of other descriptions that felt negative to her. In the second minute we switched over to how she wanted to feel—energized, excited, ready to get her to-do list done, organized, accomplished, happy. As she acknowledged how she wanted to feel, she commented that she could feel her energy beginning to shift. She realized that she could choose how to feel.

The last technique is perhaps the easiest to put into practice

1 minute to Breathe: It’s a classic. It’s simple. Just breathe. Deeply. In…and out…and again. And again. In one minute, a person can take about eight deep breaths. One minute. Research shows that controlled breathing helps to positively manage stress and anxiety, lowers blood pressure, and contributes to brain growth. Wow—all in one minute!

Each of these techniques takes four minutes or less. You can choose which one to practice. After all, guided meditation during a staff meeting might not be viewed favorably, but eight deep breaths riding  in the elevator might be just the ticket. Or take a lunch break, with dessert being three minutes of affirmations.

My client now finds time in her day to practice these techniques when she feels stress coming on. She reports that while her day is still very busy, her stress level has dropped significantly. Try these techniques for yourself and let us know how they help you.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Our trainer first said this line during a writing activity. At scheduled times during the day, we would read our drafts aloud and receive feedback—which invariably centered around cutting extraneous words and phrases, since less is more. We would write the feedback in the margins of our papers to inform the next draft.

That was one of my learnings from the workshop: we all need margins. The trainer wanted us to write as succinctly and clearly as possible; hence her less is more advice. But in the frame of margins, I see less is more as a gift for other facets of my life, too.

• With margins, what matters is surrounded and protected.
• With margins, we can add or expand when needed.
• With margins, we can highlight what impacts us.

This happens with the written word, of course. It also happens with the manner in which we schedule our day—is it too full?—or share in conversations—is enough time afforded for thoughtful response?

From planning to devote a day to writing, to taking the time to talk to a family member, to delivering service to a client, do you have margins? Are you allowing less to be more?

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

A long-time employee I really liked and respected recently left for another opportunity. I tried to keep her but couldn’t offer her enough money, so I gave her an excellent reference. The whole team was sad, and off she went with a fond farewell.

Surprisingly, while training her replacement, I was stunned to find an avalanche of work never done, errors concealed, and files in a state of chaos. I always knew she was a little slapdash, but I had no idea about the extent of her disorganization and deceptions.

I am ashamed and embarrassed in front of my employees that I allowed this to happen on my watch. I feel I should have known this was happening—perhaps I could have worked with her to fix the problems. Or perhaps I would have fired her years ago. Somehow she successfully kept me in the dark. I am tempted to call her new employer and rat her out for the phony she is—that’s how mad I am. How can I fix this? —Disappointed and Mad

Dear Disappointed and Mad,

There is really nothing quite like that sudden surprise of the rug being yanked out from under you, is there? One minute you are living in one reality and the next, everything is shifted. There is actually a neurological response when you expect one thing and you get a different, negative outcome. Neurochemicals associated with the flight-or-flight response are released—cortisol and adrenaline—and it feels like a car alarm going off in your brain.

So, let’s take a big step back, give the car alarm a chance to stop blaring in your head, and make a plan.

First, get a handle on your feelings. Shame, regret, and humiliation feel poisonous. Once you get a negative thought looping in your brain, it can be really hard to interrupt the pattern. There are a couple of excellent techniques that have been shown through experiments in social neuroscience to be very effective at loosening the grip of negative emotions.

• Labeling. It’s a misconception that talking about a difficult experience will only rub salt in the wound. This is only true if you ruminate—revisit the events with no tools to transform them for yourself. One way to make over the experience is to articulate how events made you feel and label them. You can do this with a therapist, a sympathetic HR professional, or a friend who is a good listener. You have already started to do it by writing your letter—a good first step. The more detailed you can get and the more specifically you can label how you feel, the less of a sting you will feel over time. You will gain some dominion over your experience instead of feeling like it has power over you. You will turn off the car alarm.
• Distancing techniques. Another tool to diminish the emotional turmoil you are dealing with is to tell yourself—in the third person—the story of the events that happened. Tell it as if it happened to someone else. For example, you might start the story, “I once knew this person who was betrayed by a trusted employee. Here’s what happened. . .” It may sound hokey, but it really works to help you get some perspective.
• Re-appraisal or re-framing. Right now you are taking all the responsibility for this debacle, which is actually kind of great. Many people would place all of the blame on the employee. So in this case, I would encourage you to take your newfound labels and your little bit of distance and use them to look at your situation and see how you might reframe the way you are interpreting events. You might consider how the environment in your workplace culture contributed to the situation. Or what about the part the employee played in the situation—she must have been charming, and a bit of a con. Con women are successful because they are masterful at diverting attention. You are not the first person to be hoodwinked!

These techniques, by the way, are useful for dealing with all kinds of deeply felt negative emotions that are getting in your way.

Once you have some equanimity about what happened, you can figure out what there is to learn from your mistake. I am betting this will never happen to you again. From a management standpoint, you will want to look at the extent to which you have absolute certainty that every single one of your people has the competence and commitment to do all of their tasks. Ken Blanchard always says that when people are starting on new tasks or goals, the manager has to start out giving lots of clear direction and not let up on the attention until there is ample evidence that the employee can be left on their own. It may be worth looking to see where this might be happening elsewhere, not to mention reviewing your performance management practices.

You are going to have to forgive your former employee and yourself. Hyrum Smith, known primarily as a time management guru and inventor for The Franklin Planner, has a wonderful point of view on forgiveness. He says that while most people say you have to forgive and forget, he says you actually have to forgive and remember, and then decide it doesn’t matter anymore. I have found this concept to be extremely useful. Remember, first learn from it. Then, when you are ready, decide it is no longer important.

Finally, under no circumstances should you contact the new employer. You would be breaking way too many HR laws and it’s just not worth it. Revenge is so tempting, but succumbing to it wouldn’t help you grow—it would only add to the list of things you feel ashamed of. The best revenge is to get smarter and stronger.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’m not sure what my exact problem is, except that I am in a constant state of overwhelm.  I have a wonderful job that I love, with a great boss who gives me plenty of challenging opportunities and always has my back.  My employees are all excellent and hardworking.  I have a lovely home—which usually looks like a toy and laundry bomb went off in it—with a spouse who works as hard as I do.  We run from day care drop-off to work, race back for kid pick-up and then home to fall into bed only to get up at dawn and start all over again.

My head is spinning.  I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until this holiday season when I took a few days off and could barely get off the couch. 

I feel like my life is whizzing by and I am missing it.  My kids aren’t even in school yet and I have serious career ambitions, but I don’t see how I am going to keep up this pace.   —Can’t Keep Up

Whoa there, Can’t Keep Up!

Boy, do I sympathize with your situation—and I am sure most of my readers do, too.  My kids are all young adults now and I look back on those early years and wonder how I did it.  You are absolutely right in thinking you aren’t going to be able to keep up the pace. You are behaving as if you signed up for a sprint when, in fact, you are in the first stretch of an endurance marathon.  And what that means, my friend, is that you must pace yourself.  Here a few keys for doing just that:

Put yourself first. This is counterintuitive, I know. But seriously—our culture is so child-centered these days, it can be really hard to focus on yourself and your own needs.  The way you are feeling makes me think there may be some fundamental needs you are not getting met.  Maybe it is time to exercise; maybe it is simply quiet time to think.  Whatever it is, the operative word is going to be time. So whether you carve it out of your workday or your family time, I guarantee that you can find two hours a week where you can do something you need to do to take care of yourself.  And while we’re on the topic of needs—your family will only make it through these years in one piece if you and your spouse pay some attention to each other.  Date nights might be corny and it might be hard to get a sitter, but you simply have to spend some time together when you’re not both comatose.

Let something go. You can have everything, just not all at the same time.  So for any given interval of time—say any week, month, or quarter—decide what is going to get the largest percentage of mindshare.  Sometimes it will be a big project at work; sometimes it will be prepping for the holidays. Decide and prioritize and stick to your guns.  Look at everything you are spending time on—and if it isn’t that important, dump it.  I skipped sending Christmas cards this year—even though I really enjoy it—because guess what? There is no big rule book in the sky that says I have to do it every year.

Get help.  A rule of thumb I learned from entrepreneur guru Michael Gerber is that if somebody else can do something, delegate it—and stay focused on the things only you can do.   If both you and your spouse are working full-time, chances are you can afford a laundry service.  And if I could go back in time and do one thing differently with my kids, I would have been better at making them clean up their toys before bed every night.

Practice mindfulness.  Mindfulness can be defined as the self-regulation of attention or awareness to internal or external events with an orientation of curiosity, openness, and acceptance.  There is a lot of noise on this topic, but the research shows that people who regularly practice mindfulness experience less stress and more joy than those who don’t.  You don’t need to go take a class or become an expert. All you need to do is breathe deeply and notice. Pay attention to what is going on—both within you and around you.  That’s it.  It will lower your stress level and blood pressure; it will be make you feel like a sane person instead of a lunatic.

Practice gratitude. Instead of scanning your phone while waiting in line at the grocery store or rehashing your to-do list while driving around, come up with a mental list of all the things in your life you are grateful for.  It will change your brain chemistry and improve your quality of life in measurable ways.

Take a snapshot. I learned this from my mother-in-law, Margie Blanchard, who has taught me a treasure trove of cool things. This is just a goofy little technique that will help you put some shape to the blur your life has become.  Every night, just as you are getting settled in bed, ask yourself What is the snapshot from today?  It could be a triumphant moment in a meeting; it could be one of your kids saying something hilarious.  It can be sublime or ridiculous, but it is one thing that happened today that is a hallmark of this small regular day that will never happen again.  Some days you might get two snapshots.  And some days your one snapshot will be absolutely prosaic.

The fact is, your life is whizzing by—and it will go even faster as it goes along.  Try some of these small easy habits, one at a time. I think they will help you slow down and enjoy each moment in 2016 just a little more!

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

It is coming up on one year since I started this column. On the occasion of the Thanksgiving holiday, I want to take a moment to thank you so very much for checking the Ask Madeleine post every Saturday. In my travels to conferences and gatherings, I have met a few fans in person and I cannot tell you how it makes my day. I would also like to take a moment to thank Renee Broadwell, my delightful and talented editor, for polishing my words without stifling my humor and David Witt, our marketing program director, who finds all those great images and wrestles WordPress into submission on my behalf. They are both a delight to work with–it just goes to show that half the battle in being consistently productive is having the right team!

And because I can’t help myself, I will take this opportunity to remind you that gratitude is good for your brain. Check out this Harvard Mental Health Letter if you don’t believe me.

My father-in-law left the following list on our company voice mail recently. (And yes, in case you are wondering, Ken and Margie Blanchard and—while we’re at it—their daughter Debbie are the best, best, best in-laws ever.) In case you are stuck in a rut and need to expand the ways to think about things to be grateful for, answer these questions.

1. Who do I appreciate in my life?
2. How am I fortunate?
3. How have I experienced the divine and sacred in my life?
4. What abilities do I have that I am grateful for?
5. What is it about my surroundings–home, neighborhood, city, etc.—that am I thankful for?
6. What experiences have I had that I’m grateful for?
7. What opportunities do I have that I’m thankful for?
8. What have others in my life done that I’m thankful for?
9. What am I taking for granted, that if I stop to think about it, I am grateful for?
10. What is there about the challenges/difficulties I have experienced or am currently experiencing that I can be thankful for (i.e., what have I learned and how have I grown from those experiences)?
11. What is different today than it was a year ago that I am thankful for (what happened this year versus last year)?
12. What am I able to offer others that I am grateful for?

I am grateful for the opportunity to work with amazing, brilliant clients, for your heartfelt letters, and for being able to write this column every week. And, of course, for you, my readers. Thanks for reading and sharing, reblogging, retweeting, etc. I hope you have a wonderful holiday time.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I run the Americas finance for a large global company. I am very good at my job and people give great feedback about working for me. Their only real complaint – and mine – is that the workload is crushing. We all work absurd hours and when we need to prepare for big board meetings, it’s all-nighters and weekends.

I have lost two managers in the last six months—which, of course, adds greatly to the problem—and haven’t even had time to hire replacements.

I recently went to my boss to talk about hiring requirements and he said, in essence, “We’re doing so well without those folks, why replace them?” I nearly blew my top – but of course that isn’t going to help me. What will?  –Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

I assume your boss is the CFO or some other kind of numbers guy. Tales of woe about how hard you and your people are working are not going to be effective. Speak to a numbers person with numbers—it’s the only language that will be heard. Create a spreadsheet showing how much time all of the tasks need and what it takes for your skeleton crew to deliver. You need to show, in concrete terms, the toll this situation is taking and how hiring one or two folks will add value in the long term. One theme you might bring up is the consequences the department will face if a team member is out with the flu, what effect the holidays will have on work getting done, etc. Take the emotion out of it. Tell the story with facts and numbers, and you are much more likely to get what you need.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is a total jerk. I don’t know how else to say it. He obviously doesn’t like me or respect me. The problem is, I really love my job. I am good at it and have great relationships with my direct reports.

Nobody likes or respects my boss, who is the owner of the company. He is moody and erratic and often irrational. Yesterday he yelled at me for something completely irrelevant and actually said “go home, I don’t want to see your face anymore.” I was so shocked, I got in my car and cried all the way home.

My poor husband is really sick of me talking about this—he thinks I should just quit. Of course, things aren’t that simple. I am the main breadwinner and a job like this is going to be hard to come by in our small community. I wouldn’t even be able to look for something else without everybody knowing. The stress is killing me. What to do?  —Stressed Out 

Dear Stressed Out,

“My boss is a jerk” is pretty much the number one stressor in the workplace. Sometimes the employee is the actual jerk and the boss is just trying to get things done—but there are a lot of jerks in the world, so often it is the boss. I am sorry. It stinks. What to do? Well, if you really don’t think you can quit, here are some ideas.

Build yourself a really thick skin.

Part of the problem here is that you are taking personally the fact that your boss has a lousy personality. You just can’t. The fact that someone is an awful person has nothing to do with you. It is as disconnected from you as the weather. You don’t take it personally when it hails, do you? No. You wear a good coat and warm boots and you carry an umbrella. So treat your boss and his moods like the weather. Stay out of his way when you can, and when he does act out, observe the behavior and say to yourself “Wow, he is going off the rails again, how interesting.” Tell yourself that it’s not about you. It is about him—and the poor thing has to wake up as himself every morning. But you get to be you, which is way more fun. So put your thick skin coat on, carry your psychic umbrella, and get on with it.

Remember: not everyone has to love you.

For people who are lovable and tenderhearted, it is really a surprise when someone doesn’t like them. Presumably, you have plenty of good friends, friendly acquaintances and coworkers, and a husband who is on your side. Not everyone has to love you or even like you. It’s okay. You have all of the affection and love you need.

Define and practice drawing some boundaries.

If your boss goes too far, you can certainly put a stake in the sand with some pre-rehearsed boundaries. One example might be “Please don’t speak to me that way,” or, if it’s after the fact, “Please don’t speak to me that way again.” You could try “I think you owe me an apology.” Even a well placed “Really? You are going to yell at me for that?” might cause him to back off. If he is true bully, he will back down if confronted.

Use Silence.

When it comes to communication, often the person who speaks the least has the most power. Your instinct might be to talk things out, but if you don’t have a willing participant in building or repairing a relationship, it’s really not worth trying. So, if forced into a conversation with your boss, prepare by being clear about the one or two messages you want to share and share only those.

I understand that not everyone has the luxury of just quitting an excellent job when they have a terrible boss, but I would encourage you to examine your options with care. You never know what opportunities might be waiting for you. But if you decide to stay despite the terrible weather, you must distance yourself emotionally from it—or you will continue to suffer.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

(Spoiler alert: the answer is always take it!)

According to Time magazine, in 2013 employed Americans took an average of 16 days of vacation—5 fewer days than in the 1980s. This happened in spite of reams of research supporting the notion that taking vacation is good for your body, your mind, and your soul. Here is more evidence that good things happen when you use those PTO days.

1. You are more likely to be promoted. New research actually shows that, counter-intuitively, people who take their vacation time are the ones who get promoted.
2. Your brain will thank you. When we take vacation, the brain creates new neural pathways and is far more active than during normal routine life. Even if you stay home and do unusual activities, your brain will be refreshed and more alert.
3. Your heart will last longer. The famous Framingham Heart Study, a long-term study that began in 1948 to analyze adult subjects who were at risk of heart disease, revealed that men who didn’t take a vacation for several years were 30 percent more likely to have heart attacks compared with men who did take time off. What’s more, women who took a vacation only once every six years or fewer were almost eight times more likely to develop coronary heart disease or have a heart attack compared with women who vacationed at least twice a year.
4. You will be happier. An interesting study published in Applied Research in Quality of Life shows that the happiness that comes from a vacation is derived primarily from the anticipation and planning of it—as much as six weeks of increased happiness.
5. You will be more fun and more interesting. Okay, I can’t actually find any research to support this claim, but seriously, you know it’s true.

So take some time to plan your getaway, even if it is months out. Start packing a week in advance to relish a new task that involves visualizing yourself at play (in the waves with the kids, dancing on a cruise ship, hiking up a goat trail). Plan your time away, keeping your calendar clear one day before (to tie up loose ends and resolve last minute emergencies) and one day after (to manage the avalanche of email) your time away. Arrange for dependable backup and a good dog sitter, and put an out-of-office message on your email and voicemail. And go. Go do something different from what you do almost every day of your life.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

So, how does mindfulness make you a better leader? Let me give you an example.

I work with a client who is very intense. She’s heading quickly to the top of her organizational structure and is the heir apparent. She is super busy and rarely sleeps more than five hours a night. A few weeks ago she commented that she was having trouble focusing on so many things at once and has been reacting rather than carefully responding to situations around her. Her edge was slipping. She wanted a way to adjust, change, and retool her leadership capacity. So we explored mindfulness. Here are three things she reported she’s doing that are helping her feel like she’s back on track, and the really great outcome is that her people have noticed the difference.

1. Practice deep breathing. Before a big meeting, a difficult conversation, or a brainstorming session—any time you need to be fully in the moment—take three deep breaths. Dr. Herbert Benson, Fellow at The American Institute of Stress, cites the benefit as increased nitric oxide, positively affecting the parasympathetic nervous system and resulting in muscle relaxation and reduced heart rate. That means an increase in calmness and feelings of well-being.

2. Lessen distractions. Turn away from the computer, go for a walk or have a walking meeting, close your eyes (if you’re virtual). Reducing distractions and getting back to nature have a wide variety of benefits. A study done at Princeton Neuroscience Institute showed that a high rate of visual input reduces the brain’s ability to focus. Your brain actually suppresses activity at a certain point of stimulation. Even better, a study published in 2010 in the Journal of Environmental Psychology showed that spending just 20 minutes outside per day could boost energy levels.

3. Notice when your inner talk goes off topic. We all have an inner voice. Mine sounds like my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Hall, constantly pushing me to do more, get on with things, and stay busy, busy, busy. It’s not about getting rid of the inner chatter. It’s about noticing it and redirecting your thoughts. That’s it. Simply notice; don’t judge.

Good for You—and the People You Work With

Now my client reports that she’s more focused and intentional. She’s less frustrated and more satisfied. A great additional benefit: her people feel more engaged. One direct report said, “You are a role model for me. I always feel like you have time for me and it makes me want to do more.”

Have you explored the benefits of mindfulness yet? Stop now and take those three deep breaths. Go for a walk tonight, share a laugh, hug your dog, and savor that bit of chocolate. You get to choose how to be fully present. It can be as easy as adding a few simple practices to your life.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

I recently was reminded of this concept and why it is important when working with a client who runs her own business providing direction and support for people signing up for Medicare. I told her “You are like a coach—and you have to take care of yourself the way a coach does.”

No matter if you are a coach, manager, doctor, therapist, minister, or another type of service provider, when you put yourself in service to others you give and give all day long. But whether or not you are actually “in service” is really a point of view. My client didn’t see herself as a service provider until I pointed it out to her after she told me about the uncompensated hours she spends helping her clients understand their insurance options and how to make the best decisions for themselves.

Extreme Self Care

When you give all day long, you have to take care of yourself. The source must be replenished. One of my longtime coaches and mentors, Shirley Anderson, coined the term extreme self care.

For a coach, practicing extreme self care is an absolute must—if you don’t do it, you will burn out. How do you know when you’ve reached burnout? It’s easy. You feel angry—at clients, coworkers, vendors, your boss. You find yourself having rude thoughts about fellow drivers on the road. You honk at the slowpoke in the parking lot at the grocery store. Before you reach this point, stop and take stock. Ask yourself: How can I engage in extreme self care?

Extreme self care can show up in the tiniest ways: take a five-minute break at work, walk to the cooler and refill your water glass. Stop and roll around on the floor with the dog for a few minutes before you rush to the kitchen to get dinner going. Turn off your phone for a half hour while you eat dinner.

7 Ways to Get Started

Extreme self care is defined differently by each person, but here are some good places to start:

1. Food: Everyone knows what foods make them feel great and what foods make them feel awful. Eat what makes you feel great—and know how often you have to eat.
2. Sleep: Only need four hours a night? I’m so jealous. These days I need at least seven, preferably eight, to feel my best.
3. Exercise: I know many folks who won’t do anything unless they can get their class or their run in. Just move as much as you can.
4. Prayer, reflection, meditation: Take time to simply tune in, stop the noise, and unplug.
5. Rest and relaxation: Do whatever makes you feel replenished.
6. Connection time: Spend time with loved ones, family, and friends—not out of obligation, just because you adore them.
7. Fun: Anything you can do that raises your spirits and makes you smile is fun. Have some every day.

Listen to That Inner Voice

You know what to do to take better care of yourself—and it isn’t necessarily something your inner voice says you should do, like eat your vegetables or go to the gym. The voice to listen to is the one that says take a little break; go to bed early; use a sick day and take the dog to the woods; go play golf; use that Starbucks gift card that’s been sitting in your wallet. It’s true that some folks listen to that voice a little too much and never get anything done—but if you’re still reading, that probably isn’t you.

Who do you need to ask for permission? Hmmmm. Look in the mirror today and allow yourself to engage in some extreme self care.

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

The takeaways from Ken Blanchard’s soon-to-be released new book, Refire! Don’t Retire: Make the Rest of Your Life the Best of Your Life, apply to work and life, and they can supercharge your new year and the rest of your life.

Ken Blanchard and his coauthor Morton Shaevitz, a psychologist and expert on aging, worked to identify the factors that cause some people to become old before their time. They found four characteristics that distinguish people who feel innovative and vibrant from those who feel as if they are in a rut intellectually, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

Refiring Intellectually and Emotionally 

For Ken Blanchard, refiring intellectually is a habit he developed early in his life through his process of coauthoring business books. Going all the way back to his first business bestseller The One Minute Manager, which he coauthored with Spencer Johnson, Blanchard has worked collaboratively with coauthors on more than 60 books that have sold in excess of 20 million copies. Blanchard’s philosophy is simple: “I already know what I know—what interests me is what I can learn from others.”

Are you doing the same things, with the same people, in the same way, over and over again? The key for refiring intellectually and emotionally is to build relationships with people who have different ideas and can suggest new ways of looking at and doing things.

People often get locked into patterns of behavior that keep them from exploring and having new experiences. You can start with small things, explains Blanchard. For example, creating what Blanchard and Shaevitz call a Last Minute Gang. The idea here is to default to saying yes to invitations and opportunities—even those presented at the last minute—unless you have a compelling reason to say no. They also write about the Nothing Ordinary rule, which sets a standard of seeking out unique activities and purchasing items that inspire you—rather than doing and buying the same old ordinary things—whenever possible.

Refiring Physically and Spiritually 

A key element to refiring is to stay in good physical shape. Drawing from concepts learned from Tim Kearin, his personal coach and coauthor of the book Fit At Last, Blanchard recommends staying fit through strength, endurance, and flexibility training. In his own fitness regimen, Blanchard puts special emphasis on balance training and aerobic fitness together with diet, nutrition, and rest.

“It’s a process,” explains Blanchard. “When I first began looking at my own physical assessment, the only area in which I was highly advanced was rest. The other skills I had to develop!”

When Blanchard and Shaevitz use the word spiritually, they are not talking about religion per se; it’s more about getting out of your own way and considering that maybe there is a higher power—something bigger than you—at work in the world. For example, Blanchard’s personal spiritual focus is on inner peace.

As Blanchard speaks about refiring, he finds the message resonating not only with older audiences but also with people in their 30s and 40s who may be feeling bored with the status quo and looking to refire aspects of their own lives.

Getting Started 

Are you in a rut? Have you lost the spark? If so, Blanchard and Shaevitz suggest you consider what you can do to break out intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And the beginning of a new year is a great time to get started.

“Take a look at these four areas,” suggests Blanchard, “and you’ll probably find one or two that stick out as the most important areas for you to refire. Then you can put together a plan.”

With a little bit of work and an open mind, it is possible to rekindle the spark that will make every day an exciting adventure instead of something to endure. “Life is a very special occasion,” Blanchard reminds us all. “Be sure to make the most of it!”

You can learn more about Blanchard and Shaevitz’s new book—and download a free chapter at the Refire! Don’t Retire book page.  Also check out a free webinar that Blanchard is conducting on January 29 courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.  Learn more about this free event at Refiring In All Areas of Your Life—Four Essential Strategies

Because our topic is the well intentioned manager and the mistakes they make, what you aren’t going to hear from me is a lot of ideas on what you could do better. In fact, you are going to hear the exact opposite. Our last post received a very relevant comment:

“I see good managers who are so dedicated they fall out of balance—working too many hours vs. focusing on value. This is damaging to their health, ends up not being sustainable for the business, and sets a poor example to their teams that you have to martyr yourself to be successful in management.”

It’s true. Good managers who care about their people often put themselves last. They work like crazy, take care of people at home, and then the New Year comes along with the pressure to quit sugar, smoking, carbs, TV—or do something else that feels equally impossible. Not this year.

What I am going to suggest is this:

Think of something you have been wanting to do for a while—maybe all year, maybe longer. Then take a PTO day to do something fun: Take a walk on the beach with an old friend. Stay in bed and watch six movies. Cook a fabulous meal for favorite folks. Book a massage and have a full-on spa day.

What do all of these activities have in common? They’re not being done in service to others. They will not improve your vocabulary, lower your cholesterol, or make you smarter or thinner. What they will improve is your quality of life.

I was Skyping with my college student son the other day and he said, “Gotta go, we’re all going ice skating!” We hung up and it took me a minute to recognize what I was feeling. It was envy. I love ice skating and I haven’t touched my skates in—who knows—probably ten years?

And here is the really crazy part: I pass an actual ice skating rink on my way to work every day. But has it occurred to me even once to grab my skates and take a couple of turns? In the noise and mayhem of the next client, the pending deal, the meetings, the kid who needs picking up and, of course, the endless “What’s for dinner?” the answer is no. But now I’m giving it serious thought.

So for 2015, make a resolution to plan, and do, three things that are just for fun—possibly silly, certainly indulgent.

Me? I’m going ice skating. Happy New Year, everyone!

About this new column

Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned is a new Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard, and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here next week to look at another challenge (and possible solution) for this unique group.

Previous posts in this series:

The Top Three Mistakes Good Managers Make

Managing Polarities: A Key Skill for the Well-Intentioned Manager

But I really don’t care if you’re happy at work. In fact, I think all the hype about happiness at work is a bit misguided. Now, before you blow up my Twitter feed with negative feedback or blast me in the comments section of this article, let me explain.

I’m all in favor of being happy. Personally, I much prefer happiness over sadness. If I have a choice, I’ll take happy every day of the week and twice on Sunday. When it comes to work, I’ll take happy there, too. I’d much rather work with happy people than mean people, and I know I’m more productive, creative, and a better teammate at work when I’m happy.

But here’s the deal…On the surface, all the talk about happiness sounds great. But If you aren’t careful and discerning about what you hear in the media and popular culture, you’d think that happiness of employees should be the primary goal of every leader and organization. I don’t buy it and here’s why:

1. Happiness is a fleeting emotion largely dependent on external circumstances – Defining happiness can easily lead to a battle of semantics, but a common, basic definition of “happy” is: delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing (e.g., to be happy to see a person). I’m happy when I come home from work and my kids have straightened up the house or loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. When it doesn’t happen (which is often), I’m not happy. Does that mean I love my kids any less? No. Is my life less fulfilled because I’m not happy? No. Happiness comes and goes, so it’s not something I want to build my life around. Happiness is too dependent on circumstances beyond my control for me to make it my goal. However, I can control how I respond to the circumstances of my life and I can choose to have a positive attitude. There are many times when work and life deal us a crummy hand. We have to work overtime, business travel takes us away from important family events, or we make a mistake and get reamed out by the boss; none of those things make us happy. But if we have the right attitude and perspective on work and life, we can put those situations in their proper place and learn and grow from the experience.

2. Happiness should be a pleasant outcome of good leadership and organizational culture, not the goal – My job as a leader is not to make you happy. If that was the case, then I’d serve ice cream every afternoon and cater to your every need. No, my job is to help you develop to your fullest potential while accomplishing the goals of our team and organization. If I’m smart, I will lead in a way that builds your commitment to the organization and fosters engagement in your work. I’ll also strive to create a culture that supports your health and well-being and makes your work enjoyable. Oh, and by the way, if you’re happy as a result, then great! Your happiness is not my goal, but you’re free to make it your own.

It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness. ~ Viktor Frankl

3. Happiness is negatively correlated with meaning – It didn’t take scientific research studies for Viktor Frankl to understand a fundamental truth: pursuing happiness as your primary goal is like a dog chasing its tail. Studies have shown that people who place more importance on being happy end up becoming more depressed and unhappy. Rather than happiness, we need to pursue meaning and purpose. Sadly, according to one study by the Centers for Disease Control, 40% of Americans either do not think their lives have a clear sense of purpose or are neutral about whether their lives have purpose.The same study also reported that nearly 25% of Americans feel neutral or do not have a strong sense of what makes their lives meaningful. Having purpose and meaning in life and at work increases overall well-being and satisfaction, improves mental and physical health, enhances resiliency and self-esteem, and decreases the chances of depression. As a leader, your efforts at helping employees understand and connect to the purpose and meaning of their work will reap more benefit than striving to make them happy.

4. Happiness is self-focused; true fulfillment in life (and work) comes from being others-focused – At its core, happiness is a pretty selfish motive when you think about it. Psychologists explain it as drive reduction. We have a need or drive, like hunger, and we seek to satisfy it. When we get what we want to meet the need, we’re happy. However, lasting success and fulfillment in life comes from what you give, not what you get. The greatest example of this is Jesus and his demonstration of servant leadership. This ancient truth is echoed in contemporary research by Adam Grant, the youngest tenured and highest rated professor at The Wharton School. In his book Give and Take, Grant identifies three ways people tend to operate in their relationships: as givers, takers, or matchers. Not surprisingly, although givers may get burned occasionally, they experience higher levels of fulfillment, well-being, and success in life compared to takers or matchers. I’ve experienced it in my own life and seen it in the lives of others. Those who chase happiness as their primary goal tend to be the most selfish and unhappy people I know. Those who give to others tend to be the most fulfilled, joyful, and happy people I’ve seen.

Happiness is a great thing. As I said, I much prefer it to the alternatives. But when happiness at work becomes such a primary focus that organizations start having CHO’s – Chief Happiness Officers – you know happiness has jumped the shark. Happiness at work is a byproduct of doing a good job in all the other fundamental areas of leadership, but it’s misguided to make it our ultimate aim.

Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts, opinions, or questions.

Randy Conley is the V.P. of Client Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts normally appear the fourth or last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

Let’s focus on five key areas where you can set clear boundaries.

1. Time.  Are you one of those people who works 24/7? What if you set a boundary that you would stop working at 7:00 p.m. every night, or stop doing work on Sundays? Set aside some time for yourself—you may find it liberating. It’s very important to block out this time on your calendar. After all, taking care of yourself is as essential as any other calendar entry—and the less stress you feel, the better you will be able to accomplish all of those other things on your calendar!

2. Sleep. Are you getting enough sleep? Can you think of a boundary you could add to your life that would help you get more sleep? I recently read about something many of us are guilty of doing: having a death grip on our phone or tablet until we go to bed. Studies have shown that light from an electronic screen stimulates our brain into thinking it’s daytime, not time for rest. This can interfere with both our sleep pattern and our quality of sleep. So set a boundary for electronic “lights out” time. What could you do for the last hour before you go to bed that doesn’t involve an electronic screen?

3. Relaxation. When is the last time you fully relaxed? The last time you let your guard down, stopped focusing on the things you were working on, and just took a break? Build one event a week into your schedule where you can relax. Use that time to do whatever relaxes you. Go for a walk in the hills. Go to the library. Get a frozen yogurt. Do something you enjoy that makes you think “for the next few minutes (or hours), I’m just going to relax.” Add a relaxation event to your self-care repertoire once a week.

4. Nutrition. Most of us know what optimal nutrition looks like—but do we operate on those principles on a day-to-day basis? Really? This holiday season, when “goodie” temptation is at its peak, commit to setting a clear boundary around nutrition. We know the more sugar and fat we eat, the more our body has to process, and the less it is able to stay energized so we can do our work and have good times with family and friends. What about adding more fruits and vegetables? Set a boundary that specifies you will eat five servings of fruits or vegetables every day. I remember when my kids were young, at night they would recite the five fruits and vegetables they had eaten that day (and no, Jake, ketchup still doesn’t count). What is a clear boundary you can set for yourself around nutrition?

5. Love. The holidays are about love and being with the ones you love. Have circumstances kept you from being with certain special people during the holidays in years past? Make a point this year to set up a time during the holidays to get together with those loved ones. Maybe it’s extended family, maybe it’s an old friend, or maybe it’s your unconditionally loving dog. Whoever you love, make this year special for yourself and for them—show you care by setting up some clearly defined time together.

Set boundaries to give yourself the gift of time, sleep, relaxation, nutrition, and love during the holidays. Welcome the serenity of self-care—and know that it will ultimately help you take care of others. Have a wonderful and peaceful holiday season.

About the Author

Vicki Halsey is a senior consulting partner and Vice President of Applied Learning for The Ken Blanchard Companies.

• It’s not personal, it is just ________.
• The purpose of business is to _____ _______.
• We need to hold people ___________.
• The only thing that really matters is _______.
• If you cannot measure it, it _________ ________.

We have embedded these beliefs so deep in our collective psyche that I bet you do not even need to check your answers. However, just because these belief statements are common, does not mean they are legitimate. I encourage you to consider that holding these beliefs may be undermining your ability to effectively cultivate a motivating environment for those you lead.

In this blog we will explore the first eroding belief: “It’s not personal, it is just business.”  We will tackle the other belief statements in upcoming posts.

Are You Kidding?

As a manager, you deliver information, feedback, or news to an individual that affects his or her work, livelihood, opportunities, status, income, mood, health, and/or well-being. How is this not personal?

On average, employees spend 75% of their waking hours connected to work—getting ready for work, getting to work, working, returning home from work, and decompressing. Oftentimes, employees spend more time interacting with coworkers than family members. Yet managers believe their actions are not personal and just business? Are you kidding?

Getting at the Root of the Belief

Trust me, what you say and do feels personal to the people you lead! Therein lies the issue. The new “F-word” in business, it seems, is Feelings. Is this because we hold a belief that expressing feelings does not belong in the workplace? If so, where did this belief come from?

I welcome your opinion. Here is mine: Feelings are discouraged in business because managers do not have the skill to effectively deal with them. True, some employees do not self-regulate well and may let their emotions get the best of them from time-to-time. But the fear of unruly emotions is disproportionate to the occurrence and severity of emotional outbreaks.

Research shows that even though people judge their work environment both emotionally and cognitively, emotions are the primary determinant of their sense of well-being[1] As a manager, your actions strongly influence the outcome of an individual’s appraisal process that results in a sense of well-being—or not. If you do not notice, acknowledge, and deal with a person’s emotions, you may unwittingly be undermining that sense of well-being that is the vital link to a person’s intentions and behavior.

Try this for the next month: Instead of holding on to a traditional belief that potentially undermines people’s motivation, listen to your heart and acknowledge the crucial role that feelings play in work and life. Try changing that traditional belief to an Optimal Motivation belief: “If it is business, it must be personal.”

Watch how your leadership changes as your belief changes. Then notice the positive affect your changed belief has on those you lead.

About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

Once the responsibilities and difficulties of a new management role emerge fully, some find themselves in a dilemma.   Maybe you.   Maybe me.   Maybe the new supervisor next door.

It starts out simple enough.  You work through lunch to prepare for an important meeting. Then you accept meetings over your lunch period. Then, after a day of meetings, you stay after hours to answer waiting email. Unchecked, you attempt to get a jump on the week by working on Sundays.  Just a couple of hours.  Just a slice of time – a slice of life – every lunch, every evening, every weekend.

Before you know it, you perceive new expectations from others about your response rate and high productivity. You begin to realize you have created a new normal—and you’re not sure you like it.

Under stress and working too many hours, people tend to gain weight because the stress hormone cortisol tells the body to store fat. Eating patterns may include sugar, caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol to ease feelings of tension, frustration, and exhaustion. Self-esteem takes a hit and eventually feelings of resentment and anger arise. It’s not easy watching everyone else pull out of the parking lot when you know you have more to do.

Tell me truthfully—is this the way you want to work? The way you want to live? Is the water warming up or is it just me?

If you relate to any of this, I urge you to stop and consider.

You can’t offer your best self to any colleague or any organization if you are tired, chubby, and grumpy. Take a step back and reassess your work patterns. If you find yourself in hot water, step out while there’s still time and make some changes that are in your own best interest. You’ll be glad you did.

About the author:

Cathy Huett is the Director of Professional Services at The Ken Blanchard Companies.  This is the fifth in a series of posts specifically geared toward new and emerging leaders. To read more, be sure to check out:

• Step Up As You Move Up: 3 tips for new managers
• Two Ways to Consider A New Manager Role
• Redirection Redefined – 5 Steps to Stay on Track
• When a Great Boss Says Goodbye – 5 Ideas to Salvage Support

For example, even if you are familiar with the differences between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, it hits home when you see examples of how setting intrinsic goals not only gives you a greater probability of achieving them, but also experiencing self-actualization and sustainable vitality.

On the other hand, extrinsic goals, more often than not, lead to depression and unhealthy physical symptoms. Regretfully, the goals most of us set are extrinsic goals–both personally and professionally.

What can you do differently?

Focus on setting intrinsic goals such as…

• Personal growth (improving listening skills or practicing mindfulness)
• Affiliation (nurturing a mentoring relationship or enhancing relationships with others)
• Community (contributing to something bigger than yourself or making a difference)
• Physical health (losing weight as a means for increasing energy or changing your eating habits as a way of lowering blood pressure)

Avoid extrinsic goals relating to…

• Social recognition such as increasing Facebook friends or LinkedIn contacts to improve your social or professional status
• Image and appearance such as losing weight to look good at your reunion or losing weight to be more attractive
• Material success such as earning more money, buying a powerful car, or moving to a prestigious neighborhood

Prompt intrinsic goals for others

Managers, teachers, and parents need to gain goal setting skills that prompt intrinsic goals based on optimally motivated, higher-level values. Individuals will benefit, but more importantly, it is a way to immediately begin shifting the values practiced in our organizations, educational systems, and communities.

If you find yourself challenging these notions, it is probably because most of us are conditioned to believe that setting goals for things we want (or think we need)–such as obtaining more money and the stuff we can buy with it–are part of “the secret” to success.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of research studies by the family of Self-Determination Theory thought leaders are proving that conventional thinking is simply wrong-headed. The real secret is that extrinsic goals do not provide the energy, vitality, and sense of positive well-being required to achieve most goals. And even if you happen to achieve the extrinsic goal, it doesn’t yield the sustainable joy, happiness, satisfaction, or energy you thought it would.

But perhaps more importantly, there is an undermining effect with extrinsic goals. In other words, extrinsic goals (social recognition, image and appearance, material success) tend to extinguish a potentially intrinsic experience. What we really yearn for is something we cannot buy or achieve through extrinsic goals.

As I sat in dozens of research presentations, I was thrilled with the compelling evidence demonstrating how the quality of the goals you set determines the quality of your experience. As a leader of others, if you remember that the value behind the goal determines the value of the goal, it can open up a distinctly different approach to setting goals that becomes a powerful and sustainable mechanism for positive well-being, engagement, and employee work passion.

About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together  with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

These facts should sound really familiar to us.  They probably feel familiar, too—unfortunately.  The purpose of such articles—and this blog—should be to stimulate our determination to improve the situation.  But how?

The thing about engagement is that you can’t go at it directly.  You have to work on the many conditions—some of which we used to call working conditions—that contribute to employees feeling stressed, fearful, and disinterested in the work.  And Blanchard’s research into Employee Work Passion and Optimal Motivation can be really useful to you here.

But, more than discussing the 12 factors that you can improve to help employees feel genuinely passionate about the work and the company, I want to encourage you to contemplate where your heart is.  And for that exploration, I’d like to ask you to contemplate these three questions—and read one book:

1. What do you want from your employees?  List the top ten things you want—or maybe even expect from them.
2. What do you want for them?  In your heart of hearts, what do you want them to experience at work?  What kind of experience do you want them going home to their loved ones having had all day long?
3. What differences are there in the tone of the two lists?

I have run this simple experiment dozens of times throughout the world.  The lists are always the same.  And there is always a difference in the tone and “vibe” of the two lists.

The key idea here is this:  If leaders don’t make the shift from fixating on demanding more and more and more from employees without regard for their well-being, no one will ever get out of the disengagement vortex they are in.  We will just read another article about it next year.

What is needed more than anything is the soft stuff.  More warmth, more emphasis on the deep meaning of one’s work, more discussion about values linkages, more love.  Yep.  More love.

If that last point strikes you as a little crazy, check out Tim Sanders’ Love is the Killer App.  It’s a wonderful read…and perhaps the best gift I can give you today.

This heart shift is a vital part of the strategy to improving the motivation and engagement of your employees.  If you want them to shift their energy and be more engaged, shift your heart and love them more.  Then, pour that love into improving the environment they work in.  Our research shows that they will notice, and they will naturally turn that noticing into improved engagement.  Funny how that love thing works…

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.

Surprisingly, when Fowler talks with leaders about what is motivating them on their current tasks and responsibilities, people recognize right away that much of it falls into a Disinterested, External, or Imposed Motivational Outlook.

• A Disinterested Motivational Outlook is where you just don’t care, and you are going through the motions.
• An External Motivational Outlook is where people justify their actions for an external reward—money, incentives, power, or status.
• An Imposed Motivational Outlook is where behavior is driven by fear, shame, or guilt.

But that comes at a cost, especially when people realize the amount of emotional labor they have been using to constantly self-regulate—finding ways to avoid feelings of pressure, stress, anger, disappointment, guilt, or shame.

As Fowler explains, “We spend inordinate amounts of time just overcoming our feelings of being imposed upon, or just overcoming the emptiness that comes from external motivation. It’s like we are using all of our emotional labor on low-level tasks just to muck around with low-level motivation.

“That might help us cope but it’s not helping us experience the energy, vitality, or sense of positive well-being that comes with higher levels of motivational outlook. Those come from mindfulness, developed values, and a noble purpose, for example.”

The search for a higher quality of motivation

In the Optimal Motivation program that Fowler has created with her co-authors David Facer and Drea Zigarmi, the focus is on teaching people a way to have a higher quality of life where they don’t have to use as much emotional labor.

“If you have clarity on what you value—for example, a life purpose, or a work purpose—and if you understand what brings you joy and what you love to do, then you have a higher quality of life and well-being. You may still require some emotional labor from time to time to self-regulate, but it is emotional labor that you’re willing to do because you see how it is related to higher quality motivation.”

That’s important says Fowler because people driven primarily by external motivators don’t achieve the sustainable flourishing and positive sense of well-being that you get with higher levels of motivation.

Fowler explains that as a leader, you need to think beyond imposed and external motivators. How could you invite choice? How could you help people build relationships? How can you increase competence?

“You never want to be the one encouraging a person’s need for external rewards.  Don’t settle for motivational models that try to find other ways to manipulate or trick people into giving more. Why not take the conversation to a different level? ”

To read more of Fowler’s thinking on cultivating a motivating work environment, check out her interview in the June issue of Ignite!, Don’t Settle for Less When It Comes to Personal Motivation.  You’ll also see information about a free webinar Fowler is conducting June 19 on The Business Case for Motivating Your Workforce.  It’s complimentary, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Feeling a little overworked and under-resourced yourself?  Check out what the experts recommend.

Make time to think. Mark Sanborn, president of Sanborn and Associates and best-selling author of eight books including The Fred Factor and You Don’t Need a Title to be a Leader, suggests a simple ritual.

Whenever Sanborn is in his office in Denver, he’ll schedule some time to visit his favorite coffeehouse with one intention in mind–some quiet time to think. In Sanborn’s experience, most executives don’t think as much as they react to their environment.

It’s harder than you think, says Sanborn. “Within the first 10 seconds, you’ll think of a phone call you need to make or a meeting you need to attend or something else you need to do. You will find, as I do, that proactive thinking about your business and your life is far more difficult than it seems.”

In Sanborn’s experience, taking the time to think and evaluate your progress will almost always turn up a couple of areas where you are spending time on projects and activities that are not generating much in the way of return. The question now is what to do about it.

Learn to say no. Charlene Li, author of the New York Times best seller Open Leadership and founder of Altimeter Group, says that achieving focus means knowing what you will do and also what you won’t do to achieve a particular strategy.

As Li explains, “In so many ways, it’s the very first and most important thing. In order to get more done, you actually have to do less things but–very importantly–the most important things.”

Leadership coach, speaker, and writer Tanveer Naseer shared that this can be tough, especially when there are so many seemingly important tasks in front of today’s leaders.

For Naseer, the answer to maintaining his focus is to discipline his attention. In addition to getting more done, Naseer has also noticed a great side benefit: consistency, because everything he does is centered around a common objective instead of a reactionary response.

Communicate efficiently. Elliott Masie, an internationally recognized futurist, analyst, researcher, and organizer who heads The MASIE Center think tank recommends frequent—but shorter meetings. Masie believes that leaders often default into 30 or 60 minute meetings when something much shorter would suffice.

“When was the last time you scheduled a five-minute–or better yet, four-minute–meeting with a colleague or direct report? At first it might feel as if there’s not enough time to collaborate, but in a busy organization, five-minute conversations might work well. Used correctly, that five minutes could focus on working on a theme or a title for a new product, or talking about the upcoming meeting you are going to.”

Avoid organizational anorexia. Finally, consultant, speaker, and multimedia designer Steve Roesler recommends that leaders take a closer look at the whole concept of doing more with less to make sure they haven’t slipped into a distorted view of what’s normal. Roesler believes that many organizations have reached a stage of organizational anorexia—basing their success on just being as lean as possible. That might make them appealing to Wall Street, but it’s shortsighted and potentially dangerous to their long-term health.

Roesler’s advice?   If you’re a manager, next time the phrase “do more with less” pops into your head as you begin a meeting or make a speech, pause for a moment. Consider what your objective is. Then, instead of simply reacting with a doing more with less shrug, say:

“Here’s our situation. This is what our strategy is all about and here’s what our company is all about. How can we achieve the goal that goes along with this strategy and be as satisfying to our customers as we possibly can, make this as profitable for ourselves as we possibly can, and [yet] keep our costs down?

“While we’re doing all of this, who can be included and what can we do with this particular situation or project so we’re building talent at the same time?”

As Roesler sums up, “If you’re the person in the room who stands up and does that instead of using the [doing more with less] phrase, people are going to know that you’re the one who is the leader.”

To read Scott and Ken Blanchard’s complete column for Fast Company (and their archived columns also) check out Doing More With Less: 4 Ways to Cope (and Even Succeed) in a Downsized World.

Consider these five statements. True or False?

1. Money cannot buy you happiness.
2. Money may not buy happiness, but it will buy things that make you happy.
3. The more money you have, the happier you are.
4. Seeking wealth, status, or image undermines interpersonal relationships and connectedness to others.
5. Pursuing money or other materialistic values results in feeling pressured and controlled.

Did you answer True to #1? Most of us have held a programmed value since childhood that money doesn’t buy us happiness. If it did, we reason, we wouldn’t see rich people with substance abuse issues, struggling with their weight, or defending themselves in court against character or behavior accusations.

Ironically, I find that people also answer True to statements #2 and #3. Despite believing that money cannot buy happiness, they believe that money can buy things that make us happy and that the more we have, the better off we are. But that isn’t logical. If money doesn’t buy you happiness, how can having more money buy you happiness?

Research supports the notion that money and happiness are related, but not in the way you might think. If it were true that money buys the things that make us happy and that the more we have the happier we are, then we would expect happiness scales to increase when per capita wealth increases. But that isn’t the case in the United States or any other country in the world. Pursuing and achieving material wealth may increase short-term mood, but it does not increase one’s sustainable happiness.* Both statements #2 and #3 are False.

Not only does money not buy happiness or the things that make you happy, but the more that materialistic values are at the center of your life, the more the quality of your life is diminished. This lower quality of life is reflected in a variety of measures including low energy, anxiety, substance abuse, negative emotion, depression, and likelihood to engage in high-risk behaviors. 

The Problem with More

Interestingly, when individuals are asked what level of wealth they need to be happy, both the poor and the rich respond with relative amounts of “more.” No matter how much you have, you always want more—more money, belongings, toys, status, power, or image. But here’s the thing: No amount of riches will buy security, safety, trust, friendship, loyalty, a longer life, or peace of mind. Moreover, thinking you can buy these things destroys any real chance of experiencing them.

Therein lies the problem. We’ve been programmed to believe that our well-being depends on the quantity of what we have. There is a current TV commercial where a little girl tries to explain why more is always better—which is the message the advertiser is trying to convey because that’s what they are offering you—more. The irony is that the little girl simply cannot explain why more is better. It really is funny. But it disproves the very point the advertiser is hoping to make. More is not always better—it is simply a belief that most of us have yet to challenge. 

Quality Over Quantity

What if we were to turn the table and focus on quality over quantity? Consider your answer to statement #4. Did you answer it True? One of our most basic and crucial human needs is for relatedness with others. This longing for connectedness is obvious in the explosion of social media and online dating services. The lack of relatedness is detrimental to everything including the quality of our physical and mental health. Research indicates that relatedness is thwarted by the pursuit of materialism.* Yet we rarely link materialistic values and goals to the undermining of interpersonal relationships that influence the quality of our life.

Statement #5 is also True. If you follow any of the popular culture regarding the effects of extrinsic motivation, or what we call suboptimal Motivational Outlooks, you understand the negative impact that feeling pressure or control has on creativity, discretionary effort, and sustained high productivity and performance. And yet, organizations are hesitant to generate alternatives to pay-for-performance schemes and incentivizing behavior, despite the proof that those systems based on materialistic values generate the pressure and control that undermine the quality of our work experience—and our results. 

Our Values Shape Us

And here is a great sadness. When you operate from materialistic values, it not only undermines your well-being, it also negatively affects the health and well-being of others. When our focus is on material pursuits, we become less compassionate and empathetic. Our values shape the way we work, play, live, and make decisions. And those decisions impact the world around us.*

Each of us has an amazing opportunity with the understanding gained through recent research and the evolution of human spirit. We can shift our focus from the value of materialism to the more empowering values of acceptance, compassion, emotional intimacy, caring for the welfare of others, and contributing to the world around us. Not only will this shift in focus improve the quality of our own lives, it will also create a ripple effect that ultimately will improve the quality of life for others. For the reality is that the most important things in life cannot be bought. Indeed, they are priceless.

* For supporting research and more information on this topic, I highly recommend the following resources:

• The High Price of Materialism by Tim Kasser
• The Handbook of Self-Determination Theory Research by Deci and Ryan
• The Price of Inequality by Joseph E. Stiglitz
• Website:  www.selfdeterminationtheory.org

About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together  with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

The program explains the link between three basic psychological needs for autonomy, relatedness, and competence and what we call Motivational Outlooks—the actual motivational experience someone develops around a particular task, goal, or situation. And it teaches people how to shift from suboptimal motivation to optimal motivation anytime they want.

And that’s what I need right now.

As I write this, it is the end of a very long Sunday—a day, some say, for rest. But I worked fifteen hours today after working six yesterday. It is now 12:53 a.m. on Monday morning. I have hardly eaten. I missed phone calls from my dad and from my friends Emily, Alison, and Anthony. I have a meeting 90 miles from home tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m., which means being up at 5:30. I am exhausted.

Low Quality Motivation

The aggravation I feel is akin to one of the six Motivational Outlooks—the Imposed Motivational Outlook. It is a feeling of resentment that the deadline is so tight, that I feel as if we are in a fire drill, and that it is seen as unreasonable to ask for a weekend free of work and have that reasonable request honored. The Imposed Motivational Outlook tonight comes with a sound track. It plays Noooobody knoooows the troubles I’ve seen…

High Quality Motivation

But, I also feel exhilaration knowing this program is onto something big and important. We are not only tapping a vein—we are shaping the conversation about how motivation in the workplace could be experienced and how the conversation among leaders in HR and business ought to operationalize motivation in everyday programs, systems, and conversations. This is the Integrated Motivational Outlook because all of this vast work is linked to my deepest values and sense that we are making a real difference.

I’m thinking about how my sense of relatedness has been both undermined and supported today. I have felt pressured to get this work done, but I also have felt free to do it using my personal flair and creativity. My sense of competence is soaring because something that used to seem daunting now just seems like any other big project that takes a lot of time, focus, and skill—a project that pretty much anyone could master given the right skill, mindset—or Motivational Outlook—and environment.

Now at nearly 1:00 a.m., writing, expressing, and sharing requires a great deal of self-regulation—to remain focused, to remain sanguine, and to remain awake!

Shift if You Want To

Through it all, I have an incredible tool to help me monitor and manage my Motivational Outlook—and shift it if I want to. Which experience will win this very late night? With what perspective will I color this very long day? Will it be aggravation and exhaustion, or exhilaration from the knowledge that I, as well as the program, have taken strides today toward a higher level of performance and contribution? Will I choose Imposed or Integrated around the time requirements, values, and purpose of this work?

With the last flickers of my synapses, with the final shallow breaths of my groggy self, with the last blinks of my bloodshot and bleary eyes, on the roller coaster of well-being, I choose Integrated and I think to myself, “Physician—heal thyself!”

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.

You may need to think again.

It seems that using these enticing incentives to motivate yourself results in a suboptimal motivational outlook that ultimately leaves you without the energy to follow through on your weight loss plans—especially if you are a man.

We now have significant proof that financial motivation does not sustain changes in personal health behaviors—and, in fact, may undermine them over time. What’s more, financial motivation negatively affects men’s efforts over time more than women’s. Rewards may help you initiate new and healthy behaviors, but they fail miserably in helping you maintain your progress. Shortly after the incentive is gone, you revert back to your old ways.*

So why do over 70 percent of wellness programs in the U.S. use financial incentives to encourage healthy behavior changes? Here are three potential reasons:

• If you are not pressured into losing weight, but invited to participate in a weight-loss program that offers small financial incentives, there is a likelihood you will lose weight—at least initially. But studies reporting weight loss success were conducted only during the period of the contest. They didn’t track maintenance. But recent studies show that just twelve weeks after the program’s incentives end, most or all of the weight is regained.
• Financial incentives are easy (if expensive).
• We haven’t understood until recently the true nature of motivation or how to effectively use the latest science of motivation to help people shift to an optimal motivational outlook that sustains effort and results over time.

It turns out that rewards and incentives are the fast-food of motivation—they give you a kick and then send your energy plummeting. To initiate and maintain a healthy lifestyle, you need the equivalent of motivational health food. Satisfying your basic psychological needs for A-R-C (Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence) is more likely to help you achieve your goals and feel good enough about the results to maintain them.

Great! But how do you shift from a suboptimal motivational outlook—and the ease and enticement of motivational fast food—to an optimal motivational outlook where you flourish by satisfying your healthy psychological needs? Part of the answer lies in learning the skill of Optimal Motivation. Here are three ways to start:

1. Notice when you use phrases with the words have to in them:  I have to lose weight. I have to eat healthy. I have to have a salad instead of fries. I have to is a subtle but significant sign that you are feeling a loss of freedom. Your need for choice—your perception of Autonomy—is being undermined. When you have to do what the diet demands, the thing you crave is autonomy. Ironically, the way you exercise your autonomy is by eating the fast food you had restricted yourself from eating. The act of banning the bad stuff makes you want it even more!
2. Realize that you love yourself and your health more than you love the fast food. This is the power of Relatedness. In this case, you can consider fast food either literally or symbolically (winning the mini-iPad).
3. Recognize the sense of positive well-being that comes each time you make a choice to do the best thing for your health. This positive feeling comes from your mastery over the situation—experiencing your Competence.

So the next time you are invited to join a program, lose weight, and win a mini-iPad, go ahead and take up the offer—but don’t do it for the iPad. Instead, do it for deeper values and the sake of satisfying your Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence. The iPad is no longer the carrot, but simply a symbol of your flourishing.

What do you have to lose? Weight. What do you have to gain? Health and a positive sense of well-being. Oh, and that mini-iPad!

References

* Moller, McFadden, Hedeker, and Spring, “Financial Motivation Undermines Maintenance in an Intensive Diet and Activity Intervention,” Journal of Obesity, Volume 2012, Article ID 740519.

Deci and Ryan, “The ‘What’ and ‘Why’ of Goal Pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior,” Psychological Inquiry (2000) Vol. 11, No. 4, pp 227-268.

About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together  with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

“It’s where we choose our behaviors and then act according to how we choose. But in order to keep our brain operating effectively for ourselves, we have to keep our prefrontal cortex nourished and well-rested,” explains Homan-Blanchard.

“Our prefrontal cortex is a resource hog in terms of glucose and rest. Its performance is also impacted by hydration, exercise, and sleep. In some ways it’s like a gas tank. Every decision we make—from the mundane to the most critical—uses up a little bit of gas.”

“That’s why it is so important to know yourself and know how to schedule certain kinds of activities when your brain is going to be at its best. You want to schedule planning, brainstorming, and other creative activities while your brain is fresh. What you don’t want to do is schedule a meeting or a challenging conversation where you’re going to have to use a lot of self-control at the end of a brutal day.”

The one time when no answer is the best answer

Roy Baumeister, professor of psychology at Florida State University and co-author of the best-selling book, Willpower, says that the people who are known for making the best decisions are usually considered the most well-balanced and the smartest people. But, he notes, what may be really be true about those people is that they just know when not to make to make a big decision.

Homan-Blanchard echoes that opinion and also has some advice for couples.

“You know the old adage that in marriage, you shouldn’t go to bed angry? Well, that’s wrong—especially for couples who work a lot, have kids, and have bills piling up. Having a serious discussion, and trying to reach resolution to an argument, late at night, is really a bad idea.”

So is forging ahead when someone comes running into your office demanding a big decision at 6:30 in the evening when you’re packing up and walking out the door, explains Homan-Blanchard. “The only decision for a leader to make in that position is to wait until the morning, because, chances are, you are not capable of making a good decision in that moment. Unless you’ve previously thought about it, made the decision, and just haven’t reported it back, that’s different. But if you actually haven’t made the decision yet, it is unwise because it simply won’t be the best decision.”

Three strategies for better decision-making

For leaders looking to improve the quality of their thinking and decision making, Homan-Blanchard recommends a couple of strategies.

1. Set limits. Identify your best times for creative, innovative, and challenging work situations. Create, protect, and utilize those times for your most difficult tasks.
2. Create processes and routines. The more routine that you can create for yourself, the more “gas” you can save for other decisions.
3. Practice extreme self care. Don’t underestimate the importance of proper rest and good nutrition.

Clear, calm, well-reasoned thinking is a hallmark of all good leaders. Don’t forget the physical dimension of mental processes. Take care of your brain so it can take care of you.

To read more of Homan-Blanchard’s thinking and advice check out her complete interview here.  Also take a look at a webinar that she is conducting on April 3, The Leader’s Guide to the Executive Brain.  It’s free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Beyond absolutely loving that visual, the question really caught me. How often to do you hear someone ask you why you do what you do?

My “whys” are straightforward.

First, I think all employees, from today’s new hires to the most seasoned top execs, long for a more fulfilling work experience than they have.  Most can’t, or won’t, say it like that—not in such blatant terms.  But their words, body language, mental and physical exhaustion, dry business approach, and chronic complaints about other people (seldom about themselves, of course) offer some evidence of this assertion.

Second, the need is widespread. I have never had less than one individual from a consulting, coaching, or training program in any organization come up and tell me during or afterwards, “You need to get my boss to learn this stuff.”  They explain that the motivational culture they currently work in consists mostly of pressure and demands for ever greater accountability.

My third reason is the most potent of them all.  It helps make the entire world a better place.  In essence, this is optimal motivation as moral agent.  Huh?  Moral agent?  Well, I believe people long to do good work.  They long to be part of organizational cultures that are psychologically healthy, intellectually vibrant, and purposefully productive. Motivation research shows we thrive with such vitality and well-being.  And don’t you think employees also have a right to it, too?

In the end, my biggest why is that enriching the work environment by teaching others how to leverage the most up-to-date science of motivation in practical ways is the morally right thing to do.  It’s one small action that offers the fresh possibility of making life more fulfilling for everyone.

When asked how well the traditional mantras of, “Results, results, results!” and, “People need to be held accountable,” helps them thrive at work, most employees report, “They don’t—not really.”  We have enough old approaches like that. Instead, what we need now is actionable individual, interpersonal, and systems-focused tools that help all employees—individual contributors and management alike—to rejuvenate their stale and pressure-filled work environments.  We need psychologically healthy ways to bring employees alive, and to make work—and our entire lives—better.

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

I started experiencing back pain around the time I turned 50. When I went to the doctor she told me, “John, you are at that age where every morning you will wake up with pain somewhere.” Wow! Talk about a wake-up call. Luckily, she didn’t leave it at that. She also gave me some specific stretching and strengthening exercises to help with the pain—and when I take the time to do them, they do help.

The reality is that without care and attention, things break down – our bodies, our minds, and our relationships. As we start this new year, I suggest that we each increase our capacity by taking time to regularly renew ourselves in each of the four dimensions of life – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

• Increasing or maintaining your physical capacity includes getting regular physical activity, taking time for rest and relaxation, eating a balanced diet, and doing other activities that revitalize the body and give you energy. For many, getting too little sleep is a culprit. Remember what Andy Rooney said: “Go to bed. Whatever you’re staying up late for isn’t worth it.”

• To increase your mental capacity, consider activities such as keeping a journal, reading, taking up a hobby, or continuing your education—anything that broadens and strengthens the mind. Be a student of whatever field you choose. Read voraciously. Mark Twain stated: “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.”

• Activities that increase your emotional capacity can include regular social activity with friends and family, learning to listen with empathy, valuing the differences in others, increasing your circle of friends, and forgiving yourself and others. Forgiveness can be a power tool for increasing emotional capacity. As Lewis Smedes said: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

• Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, authors of The Power of Full Engagement, define spiritual capacity as “the energy that is unleashed by tapping into one’s deepest values and defining a strong sense of purpose.” Your spiritual capacity is a powerful source of motivation, focus, and resilience. You may build your spiritual capacity by connecting with nature, reading inspirational literature, living in integrity, listening to uplifting music, engaging in meditation and/or prayer, or other activities that nourish the soul.

Author Rumer Godden may have said it best: “Everyone is a house with four rooms:  physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  Unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person.”

What are some things you plan to do in the new year to renew yourself?

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  

For the past several weeks (and several weeks ahead for procrastinators) managers around the world have been meeting with their direct reports to review last year’s goals, measure performance, and determine pay increases.

If you are in the middle of performance reviews with your people, here are two radical ideas inspired by a recent article Scott and Ken Blanchard wrote for Fast Company, The Best Gift Managers Can Give Their Employees This Season.

In the article, Scott and Ken identified that two of the most important ingredients missing in today’s manager-direct report conversations are growth and considering the employee’s agenda.

In some ways, that’s not surprising considering the cautious way most companies have been operating during our slow, tepid economic recovery.  “Just lucky to have a job,” has become institutionalized after four years of a weak employment picture and little or no growth in many industries.

But 2013 feels different.  There’s a small, but flickering sense of optimism in the air.  (Maybe it’s because that Mayan calendar scare is over—it is, isn’t it?)

Are you ready to move forward?  Here are three new ways of thinking.  How could you add these components into your next performance management or goal setting conversation either as a manager or direct report?

1. Think growth.  Yes, GROWTH!  It’s time.  People can only tread water for so long.  Eventually, you have to start swimming somewhere.  Developing new skills in your present job—and seeing the next step on your career path are both important factors that lead to happiness, well-being and better performance at work.  What can you add to your list of skills during the coming year?  What move can you make (even a small one) that will get you one step closer to your next career objectives?
2. Think connection. Who can help you along the way?  There is only so much that you can do on your own and left to your own devices.  We all need some help.
3. Think helping others. The late Zig Ziglar (who passed away earlier this year) was famous for identifying that, “You can get just about anything you want out of life as long as you are willing to help others get what they want.” But it has to begin with you.  Who can you reach out to this week or next?  Who can you help take the next step toward their career plans?

In their article for Fast Company Scott and Ken Blanchard share an important paradox for anyone in business to remember.  The more you give, the more that comes back to you.

Add a little bit of giving into your work conversations in 2013.  Talk about growth issues with your direct reports.  Find out how you can help.  You’ll be surprised at how much comes back to you during the course of the year.

Optimal Motivation

Victoria has a very special and very feisty cat that likes to be petted, but only on its head.  Miss the mark and you are likely to receive a hiss and a toothy kiss.

Gary recently rescued an equally special and feisty dog from the middle of a road near his home.  Now he is wondering how big it will get and how high the new fence needs to be.

I told about a gecko that lived under my refrigerator.

We also talked about research—and personal experience—of the effects of patient interaction with animals such as petting a dog or cat (or ferret, I suppose) on blood pressure (reduction) and mood (improvement).

Beyond the obvious suggestion to allow employees to bring their dog or cat to work once in a while (which may be impractical), I couldn’t help but wonder, what creative new programs could we create in 2013 that would bring similar health and well-being benefits?

This is where the games come in.  Jay enjoys playing Mexican Train with family and friends.  Jim and Drea enjoy bridge and pinochle.  Susan enjoys Words with Friends.  As we talked about the games we love, we talked about our heightened sense of well-being while playing them.  The benefits include intense concentration, connectedness with the people we play with, exercising our strategic skills, and feeling proud when we improve our competence.

Don’t we want these same benefits for our employees in their everyday work, too?

Influencing well-being

So, let’s get specific.  What creative new programs could you start in 2013 to help employees experience:

• A sense of passion
• Ever expanding competence
• Continual growth and learning
• Strong positive relationships, and
• A sense of pride for performing well?

Here are some things to consider as you think outside the box.  The Optimal Motivation dimensions are in parentheses:

1. Focus the program on enriching employees’ sense of well-being and enjoyment at work.  (Well-being)
2. Allow employees to opt-in, and publically celebrate all participants.  (Autonomy and Relatedness)
3. Encourage senior executives to participate alongside everyone else. (Relatedness and Competence)
4. While establishing teams or groups, minimize competition.  Make sure all teams are cross-functional only, with no teams by single roles, ranks, divisions, or departments.  (Relatedness and Competence)
5. Emphasize camaraderie rather than competition.   (Relatedness)
6. If you allow a monthly Pet at Work day, structure some fun activities like Stupid Pet Tricks, or Silly Pet Uniform contest.  Keep it light and fun.  (Relatedness and Well-being)
7. Make sure to allow time in the workday for all activities.  (Autonomy and Relatedness)

Let us know what you decide and how it goes.  And as ever, we wish you energy, vitality, and well-being in all you do.

Happy Holidays.

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together  with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

In a special presentation on Motivation as a skill: Strategies for managers and employees, Facer will be sharing some of the research underlying Blanchard’s new Optimal Motivation program and workshops.  Participants will explore real-world examples and learn pragmatic strategies that can help managers and individual employees make progress in important areas such as engagement, innovation, and employee well-being. The webinar is free and seats are still available if you would like to join over 1,000 people expected to participate.

Immediately after the webinar, David will be answering follow-up questions here at LeaderChat for about 30 minutes.  To participate in the follow-up discussion, use these simple instructions.

Instructions for Participating in the Online Chat

• Click on the LEAVE A COMMENT link above
• Type in your question
• Push SUBMIT COMMENT

It’s as easy as that!  David will answer as many questions as possible in the order they are received.  Be sure to press F5 to refresh your screen occasionally to see the latest responses.

We hope you can join us later today for this special complimentary event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.  Click here for more information on participating.

Funny thing is, senior executives make the same mistake when trying to identify what motivates their direct reports.  In separate research, Facer points to studies at George Mason University where executives emphasize external factors such as compensation, job security, and promotions while employees point to inherent factors such as interesting work, being appreciated for making meaningful contributions, and a feeling of being involved in decisions.

The assumed focus on purely external motivators keeps executives and employees looking in the wrong places when trying to identify cures to the lingering lack of engagement in today’s workplaces.  While disengagement continues to hover near 70% according to recent Gallup studies (a number relatively unchanged over the past 10 years) managers and employees continue to assume that there is little that can be done to improve motivation at work.  It seems that it is completely dependent on the economy.  In other words, when times are tough and money is scarce there is very little you can do to motivate people.

This is a false assumption explains Facer and the reality is that many people remain highly motivated—even during lean times, and even in organizations struggling to make ends meet.  It is all dependent on your motivational outlook and your perceptions of the environment you are working in.

What motivates you?

Here’s an interesting exercise to try for yourself that will allow you to replicate some of the findings cited in the research.

• Identify some of the key tasks you are working on as you finish up the year.  Be sure to write down tasks that you are looking forward to getting done as well as the ones that you’ve been procrastinating on. Don’t make the list too long.  About 5-7 items will help you see the pattern.
• What’s your motivation for finishing each task by the end of the year?  While there are actually six motivational outlooks, let’s look at two broad categories—Sub-optimal motivators (tasks you have to do because of negative consequences or promised rewards) and Optimal motivators (tasks you want to do because they are meaningful and part of a bigger picture you see for yourself and your organization).
• How many of your tasks fall into each category?  What’s your engagement level with each task as a result?

If you are like most people, you’ll find that your engagement level (and subsequent performance and well-being levels) are highest on the tasks where you see the work aligned with personal and organizational goals.  You’ll find that the tasks being done merely to avoid punishment or gain rewards are at a lesser level.

As leaders, it’s important to connect our individual work—and the work of others—to something bigger and more meaningful than just avoiding punishment and gaining rewards.  Don’t let misconceptions about what motivates you—and others—keep you and your team from performing at their best.

To learn more about Facer’s approach to motivation, be sure to read, Motivation Misunderstanding and Rethinking Motivation: It’s time for a change.  Also check out Facer’s complimentary November 28 webinar, Motivation as a skill: Strategies for managers and employees.  The event is free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

We are so caught up in the “busyness” of life, that practicing Mindfulness appears antithetical to producing the results and productivity required in our roles.  Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

When you notice and are aware of what is happening without judgment, you release yourself from patterns of behavior based on past experience, your dispositional tendencies, and your prejudices that limit your response.  When you do this, you have a myriad of choices for how to respond or react.  When mindful, you are able to choose a higher quality experience from your now unlimited choices.  The benefits to your own health, success, and productivity are rewards enough.

Practicing Mindfulness

Ready to practice some Mindfulness in your own life?  Here are three ways to get started:

1. Consider an important goal, task, or situation you currently have on your priority list.
2. Notice the physical sensation in your body that occurs just by thinking about it.  Does your stomach turn, your jaw clench, your chest tighten, your forehead frown?  Do you break into a smile, have butterflies in your stomach, or feel your pulse race?  Your body notices how you feel before you do!
3. Now notice the emotion attached to the physical feeling.  Is it positive or negative?  That’s judgment.  An emotion is your opinion of the physical sensation you are experiencing.  What if you were to let go of it and simply notice?  This would present you with a myriad of more choices than the one that so automatically came to your awareness.

Ripple effect with others

Donna, a participant in a recent Optimal Motivation workshop, told me that a major action step she committed to at the end of the session was to practice Mindfulness at work.  Being a woman in a leadership role in a manufacturing environment, Donna described herself as extroverted, strong, vocal, and quick to react.  She began taking a breath before calls and meetings; rather than immediately reacting to people and situations, she observed what was happening as “data.”

Donna reported that after a month of this practice her 17-year-old daughter said to her, “Mom, you seem really different; calmer.”  Donna was amazed that her practice had filtered throughout her life and that even her teenage daughter had noticed.

I hope you will experiment with Mindfulness.  Google it.  Check out the research by Kirk Warren Brown.  Travel to India and study with a yogi.  Or better yet, join us for an Optimal Motivation session and discover how Mindfulness can help you experience greater energy, vitality, and sense of positive well-being.

About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together  with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

1. I am not really here. (Well, maybe my body is, but my mind is elsewhere.)
2. I am being paid to be here. (And if I wasn’t being paid—or receiving some other type of reward—I wouldn’t be here.)
3. I have to be here; I’d be afraid of what might happen if I wasn’t.
4. Being here aligns with my values and will help me and my organization reach important goals.
5. Being here resonates with me; I feel it could make an important difference to others in my organization and/or help me fulfill a meaningful purpose.
6. I am inherently interested in being here; it is fun for me.

A quick survey found that people were attending for a variety of reasons including all six of the possible choices above. Fowler went on to explain that the first three choices were all “Sub Optimal” motivational outlooks that generated poor results. She also shared that outlooks 4, 5 and 6 were the “Optimal” motivational outlooks that most closely correlated with intentions to perform at a high level, apply discretionary effort, and be a good corporate citizen.

What motivates you?

What’s motivating you on your tasks at work?  Is it a “carrot” (External #2) or a “stick” (Imposed #3) approach?  If so, what’s the impact been on your motivation and performance?  Chances are that you’re not performing at your best.  Even worse, you could find yourself feeling somewhat manipulated and controlled, which rarely brings out the best in people.

For better results, think about what it might mean to employ a more Aligned, Integrated, or Inherent approach.  Find ways to connect the dots for yourself to create a more intrinsically satisfying strategy.

3 ways to enhance motivation

Fowler suggests beginning by evaluating the quality of A-R-C in your life.  Looking back at over 40 years of motivation research, Fowler shared that the answer to creating a more motivating environment is a combination of increased Autonomy (control of your experiences), Relatedness (working together with others), and Competence (developing and refining new skills).  The good news is that anyone can change their motivational outlook with some self-awareness and self-regulation.

Could you use a little more motivation in your life?   Most of us could.  To find out more about Fowler’s thinking on motivation and bringing out the best in yourself and others, be sure to check out Fowler’s free, on-demand webinar recording, A Closer Look at the New Science of Motivation.  You’ll discover some of the common mistakes people make when it comes to motivation and what you can do to improve your outlook.  Recorded on October 3 for an audience of 700 participants, the download is free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

It doesn’t have to be this way. A key skill in managing your time (and your boss) is learning to say NO when appropriate. But, how do you say NO, especially to your boss, in a way that maintains the relationship and builds trust?

First, you need to know your commitments. In order to know when to say no, you need to know what’s on your plate. You should have a running list of all your current projects/assignments. Once you see this list of commitments, you can decide whether the new request fits into your schedule, and if it’s of high enough priority to add to your list.

The real secret to saying “NO” is to have a greater “YES” burning within you!

Next, when a request is made, take the time to listen and fully understand what is being asked and why. Then you can decide if the request fits into your schedule and your priorities.

Last, when appropriate, you need to say NO in a respectful way. Here are five strategies:

• Negotiate a later date for completion – “I would be happy to do that task. With all of my other priorities I could complete it by this date.”
• Ask how it fits into your current workload, then negotiate – “I would be happy to do that task. Would you help me see where this fits in with my other priorities?”
• Suggest someone else who might be able to complete the task for you – “I don’t have time for this at the moment. You might check with Pat or Chris.”
• Be polite, yet firm in saying “no” when “no” is your only option – “I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.”
• Pre-empt the request by keeping people informed regarding your workload and priorities.

Don’t let your work life get to the point where you feel burned out and ready to quit. Take responsibility for creating the work environment that keeps you engaged by learning to say “No” when appropriate.

Remember…

“A ‘No’, uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a ‘Yes’, merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.”

~ Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

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About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of every month.

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Join best-selling business author Susan Fowler for a complimentary webinar and online chat beginning today at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time (12:00 noon Eastern).

In a special presentation on A Closer Look at the New Science of Motivation Fowler will be sharing some of the research underlying Blanchard’s new Optimal Motivation program and workshops.  Participants will explore three basic psychological needs—Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence—and the skills needed to reach a high quality of self-regulation. The webinar is free and seats are still available if you would like to join over 700 people expected to participate.

Immediately after the webinar, Susan will be answering follow-up questions here at LeaderChat for about 30 minutes.  To participate in the follow-up discussion, use these simple instructions.

Instructions for Participating in the Online Chat

• Click on the LEAVE A COMMENT link above
• Type in your question
• Push SUBMIT COMMENT

It’s as easy as that!  Susan will answer as many questions as possible in the order they are received.  Be sure to press F5 to refresh your screen occasionally to see the latest responses.

We hope you can join us later today for this special complimentary event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.  Click here for more information on participating.

In Fowler’s experience, you have to understand your own reasons for performing at a high level before you can help others do the same. Without that understanding, most managers attempting to “motivate” others will resort to imposed or extrinsic techniques that may only make the matter worse—for example, a “carrot” approach which dangles incentives in front of people in exchange for desired behaviors—or a “stick” approach which applies sanctions and negative consequences for undesired behaviors.

A new understanding on what motivates people

Fowler maintains that the reason for our dependence on external rewards to motivate people, especially in the workplace, is not just because they were easy and the “fast food” of motivation, but because we didn’t have alternatives—we didn’t know what truly motivates people.

That’s been changing rapidly the past couple of years as research about intrinsic motivators have begun to make their way into the work environment.

Building on the pioneering work of Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, researchers and practitioners have begun exploring the powerful impact that intrinsic motivators such as Autonomy (being in control of one’s own life), Relatedness (to interact, be connected to, and experience caring for others) and Competence (experience mastery) can have.

For example, researchers at The Ken Blanchard Companies have established that employee perceptions of increased Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence are positively correlated to intentions to stay with an organization, endorse the organization as a good place to work, and apply discretionary effort in service of the organization’s goals.

As Fowler explains, “The latest science of motivation gives us an entire spectrum of options beyond the carrot and stick. People want or need money and rewards, but when they believe that is what motivates them, they are missing out on much more effective and satisfying motivational experiences.”

How are you motivated?

Wondering how you can apply this latest research into your own work life?  Here are three area to explore:

1. What’s your motivation? What’s driving your performance on key work goals and tasks—is it in pursuit of rewards, avoidance of punishment, or something more meaningful and personal to you?
2. How are your needs for Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence currently being met?  Are you growing and developing skills?  Do you get a chance to work together in community with others toward a shared goal?
3. What can you do to create a more satisfying work environment for yourself and others? What small step can you take this week to start moving things in the right direction?

Work can—and should be—a motivating experience.  Sometimes we forget, or become resigned to, a transactional relationship.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  Re-examine your beliefs, reframe your experience and rediscover your passion. Break out of carrot and stick thinking.  Consider the impact that increased Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competency can have on your life.

PS: You can learn more about Susan Fowler’s approach to motivation in the article Motivation As a Skill.  Also be sure to check out a free webinar that Susan is conducting on October 3, A Closer Look at the New Science of Motivation.  It’s a free event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

He did not want to go but felt he had no choice.

I asked: “What would happen if you CHOSE not to go?” He replied that his wife would be very upset and it would harm their relationship.

Next, I asked: “How do you think your current attitude will impact the quality of your time together at this wedding?” He pondered this for a minute and admitted that he would have a miserable time and that would have a negative impact on his wife’s experience – not too much different than if he stayed home.

Finally, I asked: “Knowing that you really DO have a choice, what would happen if you looked at your options and CHOSE to attend the wedding and make this a great experience for your wife?” He admitted things would probably be better and he made the choice to attend.

When he came back from his trip, I asked him how it went. He hit me in the arm and then said “I hate it when you’re right. We both had a wonderful time.”

Exercise choice

There is power in the words we tell ourselves and others. Think about the last meeting you feel you HAD to attend – you felt like you had no choice. How did you act during that meeting? What was your attitude? What did you get out of the meeting? What would happen if you made the CHOICE to attend instead? You looked at your alternatives – go or not go – and decided it was worth attending. (NOTE: You may want to contact the meeting organizer and have a discussion about your attendance before making a final decision!)

Think about these examples and how reframing your words can impact the quality of your experience:

Instead of                     Consider

I have to…                              I choose to…

They made me…                    I’ve decided to…

It can’t be done…                  There has to be another way…

As you go through the rest of the week, notice your language and the impact it has on your attitude. See if you can reframe your experience by changing your language. Let me know how it goes.

“Change your language and you change your thoughts.” ~ Karl Albrecht 

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of every month.

Rediscover your passion

Just about everyone has had a motivating work experience sometime in their lives.  (If you haven’t, give me a call and we’ll talk.)  For many of us though, that experience may have occurred long ago in the past.  Your first task to jump start your work environment is to rediscover that passion. When was the last time you truly loved a job? Make sure it’s a real example.

The reason I’m asking for a specific example is because I want to find a time when you actually experienced the environment you’d like to recreate.  Your past behavior is the best predictor of your future behavior.  If you want to know what would create an engaging environment now, identify a time when you were engaged in the past.

Now, here’s the second part.  What was it about that job that made it so great?  Be a good detective.  Don’t overlook any clue.  (Here are a couple of possibilities I’ve heard from others if you’re having trouble identifying your personal motivators off of the top of your head.)

1. My boss cared about me as a person
2. My colleagues cared about me.
3. The work was very meaningful
4. It was a fun, collaborative environment.
5. I had a lot of freedom and authority in how I did my work.
6. The work was varied and interesting.
7. I had a clear sense of what I was trying to do.
8. I was growing and learning a lot.
9. I felt involved and in the know.

Develop a plan

Now that you’ve got some data, it’s time to take some action.  What can you do to build those components into your current job?  Two cautions; don’t look outside yourself and don’t focus on what you don’t have.  You are looking to re-engage yourself—not discover what is wrong with your present environment or what others should do.

Instead, think of ways that you can build more connectedness, growth, meaning, and involvement into your present job.

Work the plan

Your last step is to take some action this week.  What can you do to reconnect with your boss or colleagues?  How can you rediscover the meaning in your work?  What steps can you take to provide some growth and variety in your work environment?

Happiness is a discipline

Taking action is one of the great antidotes for worry—and taking action in a positive direction is especially beneficial.  (Don’t you feel a little boost already—just thinking about it?)

Shake the rust off of your positive attitude.  Send yourself in the direction you want to go.

Here’s what people said attracts them to an organization and what would cause them to leave.

Adapted from Top Five  Global Drivers of Attraction, Retention and Sustainable Engagement           Towers Watson 2012 Global Workforce Study At A Glance

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The study also looks at the factors that create an engaging work environment.  It’s interesting to note that Towers Watson has expanded their definition of employee engagement—which they are calling “sustainable engagement”—to include enablement (having the tools, resources and support to do their job effectively), as well as energy (which means a work environment that actively supports employees’ well-being.)

Overall, the study showed that:

• Only 35% of workers rate high in all three areas and are engaged, energized and enabled.
• 22% are classified as unsupported, meaning they display traditional engagement, but lack the enablement and/or energy required for sustainable engagement.
• 17% are detached, meaning they feel enabled and/or energized, but are not willing to go the extra mile.
• 26% are completely disengaged, with less favorable scores for all three aspects of sustainable engagement.

Wondering where to get started in addressing some of these factors in your organization? 

Abhishek Mittal, a senior consultant with Towers Watson in Singapore shares some possibilities for specifically addressing the enablement aspect of sustainable engagement in a separate, but related article, Building a Sustainable Engagement Strategy.

In the article, published late last year, he describes a Towers Watson study with a large Asian bank that identified:

“The analysis of over 300 branches found that the direct manager has a large impact on ‘enabling’ employees. When we look at branches where employees are more satisfied with their managers on a range of parameters, the employees tend to feel much more well-supported or enabled to deliver in their roles. Their perceptions about work resources, tools, condition and work organisation are much stronger than other branches. In turn, branches with more “enabled” employees clearly have a higher percentage of engaged customers. And, we saw clear links between engaged customers and higher target achievement on branch-level operating profits.”

To read more about the two studies, check out Building a Sustainable Engagement Strategy or 2012 Global Workforce Study: A Quick Glance

Great leaders do the same with their employees—doing whatever they can to help employees feel valued and be successful.  I love when I catch a glimpse of this as a customer and witness great servant leadership—a manager in the grocery store stepping in to bag groceries when it gets busy; the manager in a restaurant clearing dirty dishes from a table to seat guests faster; a manager taking the time to train an employee on a process they haven’t quite mastered yet.  All so they can unselfishly meet the needs of the employee, and ultimately, the external customer.

Leading is giving

My favorite part of the book, and the one that always makes me cry, is at the end when the boy, now an old man, comes back to visit the tree that is just an old stump.  The tree is sad since she doesn’t think she has anything else to offer the boy, but is overjoyed to find out that the boy just wants a place to sit and rest, and a stump is a great spot to do just that!

What’s the attitude of the leaders in your organization?  Is it to serve—or to be served?  What can leaders in your organization teach employees that may help them in their jobs?  How can leaders help their employees manage their time more efficiently to reduce stress?  What can the organization do to show employees that truly ARE the best asset to the organization?

Being a true servant leader is putting the needs of others ahead of your own in service to a larger organizational goal or purpose.  The good news is that in doing so, you will get so much in return yourself.  That’s ultimately what the giving tree experienced.  Because in the end, as the book says, “and the tree was happy.”

About the author:

Kathy Cuff is one of the principal authors—together  with Vicki Halsey—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Legendary Service training program.  Their customer service focused posts appear on the first and third Thursday of each month.

Take a little test

Feeling a little burned out yourself?  Here are five places to look for causes and improvement.  See how you’re scoring in each of these key areas.  Keep track on one hand.  Raise a finger for every question you can answer “yes” to.

1. Positive Emotion at Work

Let’s start with the basics—“feelings.”  The ten positive emotions are Appreciation, Love, Amusement, Joy, Hope, Gratitude, Serenity, Interest, Inspiration, and Awe.  How many of these emotions have you experienced in the past week at work? Raise a finger if you’ve experienced at least one of these emotions during the past seven days.

2. Positive Relationships at Work

Good relationships may be the single most important source of life satisfaction and emotional wellbeing. In fact, The Gallup Organization identified that having a best friend at work was one of the key predictors of overall employee engagement.  Do you have at least one person at work that you can talk to, share experiences with, and confide in?  Raise a second finger if you do.

3. Meaning and Purpose at Work

The third ingredient of positivity at work is meaning or purpose. To what degree is your work—and the work of your organization—contributing to something bigger than just making money?  We all need to serve something bigger than ourselves.  If you have a clear sense of the bigger picture and how you contribute to it, raise a third finger.

4. Positive Accomplishment at Work

The fourth element of positivity at work is positive accomplishment or achievement. Are you good at what you do?  Do you feel like you are learning and growing? Positive accomplishment fulfills a vital psychological need.   Raise a fourth finger if you are learning, growing, and achieving at work.

5. Positive Health at Work

As the old saying goes, “If you have your health, you have everything.”  How is your work environment contributing to your overall physical health?  Sedentary, repetitive, and stressful environments take their toll.  How would you rate your work environment’s impact on your health?  If it’s positive, raise a fifth finger.

An open hand—or a closed, little fist?

Now take a look at your hand.  Is it open with all five fingers extended?  Or is it closed in a tight little fist?  (See my personal score—and share yours—in the comment section below.)  If you’re like me, it’s probably somewhere in between.  A couple of areas are good while a couple of areas could use work.

Now, the important question—what to do about it?  For some great suggestions on how to bring some additional joy, optimism, and well-being back into your workplace, check out Edmonds’ and Zigarmi’s website, Positivity Works.  You’ll find a free downloadable excerpt of their book that will give you actionable ideas you can use immediately.  You’ll be surprised at some of the small things you can do today that will make a big difference.

Yet few organizations see personal well-being as an important focus for their business, nor do they understand the powerful connections between personal well-being and organizational success. Study after study has shown that when individual employees experience well-being, they consistently apply their skills and hearts in service of company goals and customers, adapt more flexibly to change, and are more creative and proactive problem solvers.

My colleagues at The Ken Blanchard Companies, Lisa Zigarmi and Chris Edmonds, have published a new book titled #POSITIVITY AT WORK tweet, that presents 140 short, actionable quotes on how to create and manage well-being in the workplace. Zigarmi and Edmonds present five “pillars” of well-being that are essential for positive workplaces. The five pillars are positive:

• Emotion – people function best in workplaces that provide a sense of satisfaction, achievement, and safety
• Relationships – human beings were created to live and work in community and our bonds of relationship are the most significant source of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual well-being
• Meaning and purpose – again and again research shows that a sense of meaning, purpose, and doing worthwhile work is more important to employees than pay, status, or title
• Accomplishment – achieving mastery over work and working in service to a goal, group, or purpose beyond one’s self is a key driver of personal well-being
• Health – more than the absence of sickness, health is the balanced approach of taking quality time for work, family, and self, including total body exercise

Tweet #45 is the one that stood out to me. Zigarmi and Edmonds say “When you maintain a safe, open, trusting work environment, people bring all their skills and all their heart to the work opportunity.”

The foundation of any healthy, positive work environment is a culture of trust. When trust is present, people are willing to take risks, go the extra mile, and offer the best they have to give. The sense of safety and security that comes with a high-trust culture allows people to focus on the goals at hand rather than spending time questioning decisions or doing just the minimum amount of work to collect their paycheck.

Well-being in the workplace begins with trust, and Lisa Zigarmi and Chris Edmonds provide leaders with actionable steps to create a healthy, affirmative work environment where every individual contributes, connects, succeeds, and thrives.

This is one in a series of LeaderChat articles on the topic of trust by Randy Conley, Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit the Leading with Trust blog or follow Randy on Twitter @RandyConley.

The Three R’s of New Year’s

1. Revolutions – Circle back and review the resolutions you set for yourself last year. Furthermore, circle back and review any other important non-resolution goals you set for yourself last year. And while you’re at it, circle back and review any other big accomplishments from the past year – include wins AND losses that provided vital learning opportunities.
2. Revelations – Celebrate your successes! So often we get hung up on not fully achieving our resolutions and goals that we fail to realize just how much positive progress we’ve actually made towards them. This is especially true of resolutions which, for most people, tend to be extreme stretch goals. Don’t forget, they’re called “stretch” goals for a reason. For example, if last year you set out to lose 20 pounds but ended up only losing 10 pounds, you’ve still made positive progress worth celebrating. Be proud of the progress you’ve made toward your goals and celebrate what you have achieved, don’t dwell on what you haven’t achieved.
3. Resolutions – Now that you’ve reviewed and celebrated, it’s time to reset. Build off of what you’ve learned from reviewing the past year to determine how you can improve your approach and move closer to achieving (or fully achieve) your goals. When crafting your resolutions for the coming year, make sure that they’re authentic and meaningful to you. There’s a great post on this over at the PsychCentral blog offering 9 Tips for Setting Authentic New Year’s Resolutions.

As the year draws to a close, make sure not to skip steps 1 and 2 before crafting your resolutions. It’s important to review all of the valuable lessons you’ve learned and to celebrate all of your successes. You’ll be amazed at the great year you might not have realized you had! These two additional steps will put you in a positive state of mind and help set the tone for you to develop more meaningful, authentic, AND attainable resolutions.

Congratulations on all that you accomplished in 2011, and best wishes for an even more prosperous 2012!

Adam Morris is a featured blogger at Why Lead Now, one of LeaderChat’s sister blogs, focusing on the next generation of leaders. Follow Adam on Twitter @adammorris21.

In a new article for the November issue of Blanchard’s Ignite newsletter, best-selling business author and consultant Scott Blanchard identifies five ways that organizations can find and learn from these best practice managers. 

Step 1: Survey your organization. Use a reputable employee engagement assessment to survey your organization. Make sure that the instrument is valid and reliable and that it will provide you with actionable data. Also, be sure to set the demographics up carefully. You need to protect anonymity to ensure candid responses while still obtaining the smaller unit data that you are looking for. In Blanchard’s experience, a review at the department or function level will usually get the job done.

Step 2: Identify your personal pockets of excellence. Once you get your survey results back, study your organization at the department or functional level. Identify your own personal pockets of excellence. Find out which teams and departments are scoring significantly above the organizational average. Contact leaders in these departments to set up interviews to learn more about what is happening in their specific unit.

Step 3: Focus your conversation where it counts the most. Blanchard research has identified 12 factors that create a passionate work environment and account for most of the variance in employee perceptions. (See Blanchard’s white paper, Employee Work Passion: Connecting the Dots, for more information on this.) These factors are broken down into five organizational factors, five job factors, and two moderating factors.

• Organizational Factors—Growth, Procedural Justice, Distributive Justice, Collaboration, and Performance Expectations
• Job Factors—Meaningful Work, Task Variety, Workload Balance, Autonomy, and Feedback
• Moderating Factors—Connectedness to Colleagues and Connectedness to Leader

Use these factors as a structure for your conversations with unit leaders. Find out how they approach meeting each of these components of a passionate work environment. Discover what they are doing differently from leaders in other departments.

Step 4: Don’t go overboard with prescriptions—Understand the process instead. As you listen and learn about how individual managers and teams address each of the 12 Employee Work Passion factors, listen for the underlying reasons why they engage in those behaviors. Don’t fall into the trap of just mimicking the behavior. The relationship between managers and direct reports is complex. What works for one manager in creating positive feelings of Connectedness and Collaboration may not work for another. Each manager needs to find his or her own individual approach.

Step 5: Share best practices with others and ask your leaders to do the same. Once you’ve identified all of the different ways that people in your organization are approaching employee work passion in the company, start to share some of those practices. Conduct forums, post tips on internal Web sites, and share success stories.

Get started today!

In any organization, at least 20%, and often as much as 30% of the people coming to work each day report high engagement levels.  Do you know who they are in your organization?  If not, you’re missing a very practical way to identify, celebrate, and learn from people who intimately understand how to create an engaging environment within your unique culture.

To read more of Blanchard’s thoughts on bringing out the best from your own organization check out Employee Work Passion: Seek out your pockets of excellence.  Also be sure to see the information about a free November 16 webinar that Blanchard will be conducting on Cultivating Employee Work Passion: The New Rules of Engagement

The only problem is that some of these characters don’t disappear on the day after Halloween.  Instead, they continue to haunt and torment people in workplaces everywhere.  See if you recognize some of these personalities working in your organization.  See anyone familiar?

• Frankenstein’s Monster: Functioning at a basic level. Has all of the pieces, but missing the emotional intelligence to function successfully in the work environment.
• Dracula the Vampire: Vain, self-absorbed, and elitist.  Operates in their own sub-culture, focused mostly on their own needs.   Uses people.  Sucks the life out of everyone around them.
• The Mummy: Mostly asleep. Spends most of their time unaware of what’s going on, but once you disturb them, or slight them in some way, watch out.
• Wicked Witch: Always plotting and concocting schemes.  Spends most of their time engaged in office politics and manipulating things behind the scenes.
• Werewolf: Generally destructive.  Given to emotional outbursts.  Unable to control urges. Often acts without thinking.

While these labels are seasonal, the behaviors behind them are not. If you report to one of these personality types it can be especially challenging.

If you are currently dealing with a personality like this in your work environment, authors Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster of Working With You Is Killing Me have a great four step “unhooking” process that can help you deal with monstrous behavior. Here’s their advice from an interview with Good Morning America:

Unhook physically: Release unwanted negative energy so that you can see your situation more clearly. For example, you come out of a business meeting feeling upset because your boss unfairly bashed you in front of your peers. You know you need to cool down. You look at your options. If you can grab a brisk five-minute walk outside, you go for it. If you can’t go outside, you go to the bathroom, splash your face with cold water, and BREATHE. When you’re in a distressed physical state, the last thing you want to do is calm down, but the fact is that if you want to change your life at work, you have to focus on relaxing physically first.

Unhook mentally: Unhooking mentally is the internal version of talking yourself down off the ledge. It involves looking at your difficult situation from a fresh perspective. Start with a quick inventory of the situation:

• What’s happening here?
• What are the facts of the situation?
• What’s their part?
• What’s my part?
• What are my options?

Unhook verbally: Verbal unhooking involves finding ways to say no without jeopardizing your job, speaking up when you feel overlooked, or tolerating your boss’s temporary silence immediately after you ask for a raise. To unhook verbally, you must be willing to focus on your overall goal in any situation rather than staying stuck in the petty details. It’s a high-road approach to communicating. The goal is to express your ideas and convey information in a manner that resolves problems rather than perpetuating them. High-road communication contains no judgment, no anger, and no accusations. It includes taking responsibility for your side of the situation.

 Unhook with a business tool: A business tool is any standard procedure or written document used in a business setting. It includes contracts, timesheets, job descriptions, memos, performance reviews, company policies and procedures, and other forms of documentation. Business tools help depersonalize challenging situations by providing objective ways to track events and measure performance. To unhook, survey the business tools available to you and identify which ones can help improve your situation.

Don’t let a boss’s bad behavior keep you from being productive at work. To learn more about the unhooking process, be sure to check out more information about  Working With You Is Killing Me here.

One item buried deep in the report was something that I hadn’t seen Gallup talk much about in the past.  In a section looking at implications for leaders, the report identified the two factors among the twelve that Gallup measures that are consistently among the lowest rated worldwide. Can you guess what they are?

I’ll give you a hint.  It’s something you can do personally and it won’t cost you a thing.

The two lowest rated items are, “In the past seven days, I have received recognition or praise for doing good work” and “In the past six months, someone at work has talked to me about my progress.”

In looking at why this might be occurring, Gallup researchers identified three possible causes

• Larger spans of control might be making it more difficult to give the kind of individualized attention required to ensure these needs are met.
• When it comes to jobs with a high degree of routine, feedback and recognition may be overlooked because managers do not differentiate individual contributions.
• It might just be that we are “…better wired to receive praise than to give it. We feel our own hunger more than we empathize with others around us.”

How are you doing with the praise and recognition of your people?  If you are a little rusty, here are three tips for getting started.

1. Make it timely.  Praisings are most effective when they are delivered as close to real time as powerful.  Don’t “save up” your praisings for a specified time.  Praise in the moment!
2. Give specific examples.  A general comment like, “You’re really doing good work,” is nice, but a praising that identifies a specific action is better.
3. Repeat often.  You really can’t overdo it—as long as you are specific and sincere in your praising.

For over 30 years, Ken Blanchard has asked audiences worldwide, “How many of you get too much praise at work?”  No one ever raises their hand.  We all have a deep-seated need to be recognized and appreciated.  Everyone enjoys a pat on the back.  Don’t be stingy with your praise.  Catch someone doing things right this week.  Guess what?  You’ll feel better too!