Dear Madeleine,

I recently joined a marketing team for a not-quite-startup in the technology space. It has been going well.

My boss recently asked me if I would take over writing a weekly blog for our website. I didn’t say “no” right out of the gate—I asked if I could look at what has been done and think about it.

I have reservations. I feel like blogs are old news (no offense) and we should be focused on video on social media. We do have someone doing that, but I think I could do a better job. Also, I don’t think I can replicate the way the previous person did the blog. I would have to come up with a new approach, but I don’t know what it would be. And I am extremely concerned about getting writer’s block, which happened all the time when I was in school.

How do you deal with it? I don’t see how I can come up with something new every week. I think saying “no” might be career-limiting, but the whole thing scares me. Would love your thoughts.

Yikes

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Dear Yikes,

I take no offense. Video is in; the written word is out. I can’t argue with you there. However, you somehow found this blog, so that tells you something. Your department must be tracking the metrics on the blog, and they probably wouldn’t bother keeping it if there weren’t some engagement. Maybe you can find out more about the demographic that reads the blog. I’ve always assumed it is people over 40, but I’ve been wrong about that. Many people find video too slow and can read much faster than people talk, so they will skip video.

There is a lot to unpack here. I will start with how to approach it with your boss, and then deal with the writing aspect.

First, good on you for asking your boss if you could think about it! So many feel pressure to respond right away, but that is often self-imposed. What if you were to keep up the thoughtful approach and negotiate a trial run for, say, a three-month period? This will give you time to find your feet. After three months, you may decide that it isn’t for you or that you enjoy it and are good at it. You may find out you can comfortably manage only every other week, and ask to share the responsibility with someone else.

You are right that if you were to take on the task, you would have to find your own voice, angle, and, of course, what the heck you are going to say. It is, in fact, daunting, but the only way to do it is to, well—do it.

There might be some value in thinking about what you want your brand to be. There is an opportunity to represent your organization, of course, and presumably that brand work has been done. But if your name is attached to the work, it will serve you to think about your own values and purpose. You will want to develop a consistent tone that gets connected to you and how you are perceived. There is also a chance to develop yourself as an expert and maybe even a thought leader.

So—what interests you about what your company does and how people use its products? What is going on in the industry? What new research is being done? You may find that you have all kinds of things to say. What will make writing a little easier, besides discipline, is having a strong and consistent point of view.

I think it is fair to share with your boss that you have some ideas for the social videos. You probably know better than to trash the colleague currently in charge of it—but might there be a way to dovetail the blog with the video? I am just making this up, but why not try to create something brand new? Maybe you could create short videos that go with each blog. You will have more ideas than I will, so seize the opportunity to get the company to change things up and experiment.

Now let’s talk about writer’s block and the relentless pressure of a weekly column. I will tell you the truth: the only thing I think more about than my weekly blog is what I am going to make for dinner. I think about it in my sleep. I never don’t think about it. But I have also developed a ritual and a routine, which I learned from working with a client who was once responsible for the #1 technology newsletter in the pre-internet era. He was nearly driven mad, so we worked diligently to develop a sequence of habits and practices that kept him on track and eliminated the devastating emotional toll of procrastination and the intense cramming at the end of the month.

Here are some tips:

• In his book Put It In Writing, Albert Joseph contends that a lot of what stops writers is getting tangled up between the “what” to say and the “how” to say it. When the writer separates the two – the point that needs to be made and exactly how to make the point – everything becomes easier. 
• Keep a document where you can jot down ideas as they occur to you. You think you will remember, but you won’t. If you are really stuck at crunch time, hopefully there will be something in your idea log that sparks. One advantage of an advice column is that the ideas come from the readers, but it can take a while to get a decent flow of interesting letters going. 
• If you are stuck, go for a walk, dedicating the time to the writing task and recording your thoughts as you go. Nobody even notices anymore when people walk along talking at their phone, so you don’t have to worry about looking like a lunatic. Let your word app transcribe your voice recording and see what you have that you may be able to work with. Walking almost always does the trick. In fact, research shows that getting outside in nature and moving increases creative problem-solving capacity by a staggering 50 percent.
• If you already have a good idea but can’t get the jumble of points to flow, try mind mapping. You can find a step-by-step primer on how to mind map here—but you don’t need software to do it. Just a blank piece of paper will do—old school and cost free!
• To generate ideas, identify the people in your organization who seem to be up to interesting things and ask if you can interview them about what they are paying attention to, what they are struggling with, or what they have learned recently. This approach has the added benefit of meeting and developing relationships with more people in the company, which is always good, never bad.
• Find a reliable thought partner. Some people don’t know what they are thinking until something pops out of their mouth. You may have someone in mind already, or you may have to test out a few likely candidates.
• Finally, if the company blog has been around long enough, go through the archive to see if you can find anything that could use an updated take. Things in technology change fast, and adding to a conversation that has already been started can be valuable.

The only way to find out if you are up to the task is to try. Share your reservations with your boss and build yourself an out if you find it just isn’t your jam. There are a lot of opportunities that come with success, though, and you may be really glad you took the chance.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage R&D for a large medical device company. I am at the tail end of my work life. I wanted to retire at the end of this year, but our executive team is encouraging me to stay until I feel comfortable that someone on my team can step into the role.

Right now, I am not seeing a likely replacement. The job requires a wide mix of skills and activities. Although I have shared development ideas with my direct reports, I don’t see anyone doing anything differently.

I just sense that no one really cares much about the job or has the ambition to do anything other than the bare minimum. How can I light a fire under these people?

Where Is the Spark?

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Dear Where Is the Spark?

It might be you, my friend. It sounds like you have made some suggestions that your folks may not quite know what to do with. And they may not know why they should bother.

Getting your people fired up to develop themselves for a senior leadership role requires you to intentionally and systematically tap into their dreams and aspirations, understand their identity—how they see themselves, and convince them of their agency—the extent to which they are empowered to go beyond where they think they can go. It’s up to you to create an environment where each of your people sees what’s possible, why it matters, and how they can grow into it.

Here are some ideas for how you might approach creating such an environment:

1. Share a Vision of What Leadership in Your Organization Can Be

You can do this with your entire team, in small doses.

• Describe what great leadership looks like in your organization—not just in competencies, but in impact.
• Share examples of leaders in your company who are admired. Why are they effective?
• Talk about the difference leaders can make at a senior level. Tell stories. You might say something like: “Leadership here isn’t about position—it’s about shaping direction, driving culture, and building something bigger than yourself.”

The challenge with this idea is that you will also be held to the standards you talk about.

2. Spot and Call Out Potential

People rarely see leadership potential in themselves unless someone points it out.

• Tell individuals specifically what strengths or behaviors you’ve seen in them that signal leadership potential.
• Make it personal and credible: “I see you as someone who could be a strategic leader here because you consistently…”

Don’t wait for them to ask. Plant a seed anytime you see something a person can build on.

3. Connect to Personal Purpose

Deep motivation comes from alignment with identity and values. Who is each team member, at their core? How do they see themselves? What matters most to them?

• You might ask: “What kind of impact do you want to have?” or “What problems do you care most about solving?” or “What interests you most about what we do here?
• Once you get some answers, you can connect to ways that senior leadership might offer them a bigger lever to engage in activities that mean the most to them.

4. Share Responsibility

Growth accelerates when people feel responsible for something bigger than their job. Look at what you do daily and figure out what you can delegate. Start out small, and build.

• Assign stretch responsibilities that align with senior leadership competencies, such as cross-functional work, strategy development, or mentoring others.
• Let them lead change, not just manage tasks.
• Frame it: “This is a great chance to build the skill set senior leaders need.”

5. Make Development Visible and Structured

If development feels fuzzy or unsupported, it can easily fall by the wayside—which is what has been happening for your people.

• Build or recommend a clear pathway: rotational projects, leadership coaching, mentoring, strategic courses. Build on strengths or identify specific gaps they can work on.
• Use individual development plans (IDPs) tied to specific leadership competencies. If your organization already has these, use them. If it doesn’t, create the ones you think are most critical. Start with one or two and be careful not to overpower people with too much, too soon. The key is to start with low-hanging fruit. What is a small thing that might be possible and would make a big difference?

6. Celebrate Progress and Model the Way

People need to see development as a rewarding investment; otherwise, it just feels like extra work.

• Acknowledge each person’s accomplishments and growth in public settings. This reinforces motivation and can inspire others in the group to rise as well.
• Share your own development journey, including struggles. This normalizes growth and makes leadership feel attainable. It would require you to be vulnerable, which could be uncomfortable. But it will humanize you and remind your people that you weren’t always the boss.

You will learn a lot about your people as you try some of these suggestions. The obstacles will become much clearer. You may uncover irrational fears that you can allay. You may find that some of your folks are already overwhelmed by their workload and don’t have the bandwidth to take on anything else. You may uncover some cynicism; e.g., you may hear that the organization is perceived as very political. Cynicism is data that can help you pinpoint assumptions about falsehoods that you can dispel, or about realities you hadn’t noticed or considered important. You can help everyone shift their mindset and support them in navigating obstacles.

This will be a lot more work for you—and, of course, for them. But if they know you care and are paying attention, I guarantee a few will rise to the top. And then you can retire!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

Our company is providing group coaching for all managers at my level. I have never worked with a coach before, but they have given us a bunch of information so (I think) I am comfortable with what coaching is and what is expected of me.

My one area of confusion is this: they have asked us to come to the first session prepared to share our goals with the group—not just our work goals (those are clear to me) but also our professional goals.

I am not sure how to decide what those might be. Ever since I started working, I have been hyper-focused on doing a good job. That has brought me this far. I like my work and I like being good at it, but now I realize there might be more to focus on.

I thought you might have some ideas. What kind of goals do most managers in organizations work on when they work with a coach?

Where to Begin?

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Dear Where to Begin,

Oh boy, do I have ideas and am I ever delighted to share them with you.

First I want to reassure you that it isn’t unusual to get super focused on doing a good job. And that isn’t usually a problem—until it is. For many people, it never is. The sweet spot for coaching is when people are either intrigued by the idea of going from good to great or inspired to challenge themselves to go for something that feels ever so slightly out of reach. So it sounds like this timing is perfect for you.

As you start thinking about your own personal development goals, the first step is to learn what your organization is hoping to accomplish by providing you and your peers with group coaching. Presumably they are seeking some kind of impact. Maybe they want all of their managers to align their behaviors with organizational values or to develop some pre-defined leadership competencies. Is there anything they have already provided that evokes a potential vision for yourself—something to aspire to?

In the absence of any direction from your organization, the next stop would be your boss. I imagine you have been getting feedback from them—possibly a skill that needs developing or a behavior to try on. If no pointers have been shared, you might ask your manager for a one-on-one meeting in which you ask questions such as:

• Based on what you have observed, what roles should I be aiming for? What should I be focusing on to be a good candidate?
• Is there anything you see that would help me add even more value to you, my team, or the organization?
• What do think is possible for me?

It is entirely possible your manager isn’t used to this kind of conversation, so be patient. It is also possible your manager won’t have anything useful to share with you. That would be sad, but it wouldn’t be unusual.

Once you have exhausted your search for input from the outside, you can do some reflection to see what bubbles up from the inside. In The Owner’s Manual for the Brain, Dr. Pierce Howard shares a useful framework for shaping a satisfying life (pg.868):

• Flow: total absorption in the task at hand
• Fit: work that builds on your strengths
• Goal progress: the pursuit of that which is personally meaningful
• Relationships: friends and friendly acquaintances that appeal in some way
• Altruism: service to others

You might consider that any goal you set for yourself will be most engaging if it meets at least some of these criteria—the more the better. As you reflect, you can also practice visualizing what a great day at work might look like in five years. Visualizing the future is not a natural activity for many people, and it takes some practice, so don’t be discouraged if you don’t have a crystal clear vision right out of the gate.

Ask yourself: how many direct reports do I have? Am I leading individual contributors or am I leading managers? How much time do I spend in meetings? How much time do I spend doing my own work? What is the nature of the work? What kind of problems am I solving? Am I traveling to meet with people or to job sites, or am I at a desk most of the time? What kinds of people am I interacting with? What do I bring to the table that adds value or makes me a unique contributor?

Another way to gain insight into your heart’s desire is to identify whom you envy. Envy can be useful in that it gives us information about what matters to us. It helps us understand that we really want something in a way that maybe had not been clear. If envy reveals something you automatically think you can never have, that may be true, but it may also be an assumed constraint that you can overcome.

Hopefully, this will be enough to get you started.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Hello Madeleine,

I am 44, a devout Christian, on the autism spectrum, and working on my PhD at a seminary. From the day I came here I have had one job: I work at the campus post office. The pay is horrible, but I have a Patreon so I don’t need as much as others. I mainly like to interact with the students, especially in the hope of meeting a lady someday to remarry. 

Generally, I get along pretty well with my boss. She helps me in many areas with social relationships. Working with me I think has really informed her on autism.

Some time ago, I told her I wanted to learn how to count the money we receive at the end of the day. I was extremely nervous doing this, fearing I would fail, but at the same time I wanted to impress. I always had her check my work before submitting anything. One day, the account came out $200 over. We don’t know what happened, but I wasn’t allowed to help anymore.

Then we hired a new girl. Did she get to do that? Yep. Did it stab me in the heart every time? Yep. Now that girl is gone and we have hired another new girl. I heard my boss tell her that no one would handle the money but my boss. Then a few weeks ago, I saw the new girl being trained on it.

It devastated me. Not only that, but this girl and I have clashed repeatedly. She is a Miss Manners type who is highly extroverted and expects me to answer questions that I consider small talk. I never respond. I work with her only on Wednesdays and I dread them. Last Wednesday was the worst—I could hear her counting the money in the back and it caused me terrible pain.

I don’t want to be here when that girl is here. Every time I see her, I feel ashamed and get another reminder that I am seen as incapable. 

My philosophy is you should never give up on someone who wants to learn. I have been given up on, and it hurts. I know I can do the job, regardless of what anyone says. I know I can. It’s data entry. I do that regularly. If I can’t do a simple job like that, I might as well quit PhD work right now because that’s a lot tougher.

I am talking with my therapist about this and writing out a response. Until then, what can I do? My therapist says there is a triangulation in relationship now. I go to work and I feel like the outsider.

I don’t think this is malicious at all. My boss has even said it’s not personal, but I wish it was. I would rather be told “You’re not doing the money because I don’t like you” than “You’re not doing the money because I think you’re incapable.”

I know this might sound like a small thing compared to many other business struggles, but for me, it’s huge, and it’s something I’m considering as I look ahead to my career as a teacher. I never want to give up on a student who wants to learn.

Devastated

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Dear Devasted,

Thank you for sharing your experience, I think it will resonate with many people. The first thing I want to say is that this does not sound like a small thing. I think it is painful and distracting for everyone when their boss (1) passes unilateral judgment and writes them off as limited; (2) does not communicate openly when an error is made; and (3) blatantly favors other employees.

This is your job, a significant part of your life, and it’s about being seen, heard, and respected as a human being. I might even go so far as to say that it is huge. I also think if something like this happened to anyone, including me, it would be incredibly upsetting.

My first instinct when I read your letter was to go to my books and reach out to colleagues who are neurodivergent for their perspective. One in particular had this to say: “They weren’t told they made a mistake—they were shown, silently, when someone else got a chance that they didn’t. And that silent message effectively told them: I don’t trust you.

“As someone on the autism spectrum, I can relate to this. We typically experience social interactions differently, sometimes more directly, sometimes more deeply, sometimes with a heightened sensitivity to fairness, consistency, or unspoken rules.

“And it’s not a flaw—it’s a way of perceiving and processing that is valid and valuable. But it can also make situations like this one—where there’s ambiguity, unspoken judgment, or subtle shifts in trust—feel especially painful or confusing. It’s not just about what happened. It’s about what wasn’t said, and the space that leaves for hurt.”

This made perfect sense to me. I agree that when the error was made, it doesn’t sound like any effort was made to discuss it or to go back and figure out how it happened.

Mistakes are to be learned from, not punished. Your boss simply ducked responsibility as the person supervising you to get to the bottom of what happened and make sure it would never happen again.

I share your philosophy that no one should ever give up on someone who wants to learn. And I agree that if you are pursuing a PhD you must have enough going for you from a brain power standpoint to master the task in question.

You say that working with you has “informed her on autism,” but clearly not enough. I am speculating here, but I suspect that the reason she dodged telling the truth about the error is that she was afraid to get it wrong. Little does she know that her dodge has caused a much bigger issue, which is almost always the case—for anyone.

I understand that you would probably prefer to walk on coals than have the hard conversation with your boss. But I also know learning to have difficult conversations with colleagues and bosses—and, in time, with your students—is going to help you in the long term to advocate for yourself when people don’t understand how your brain works differently from theirs.

If having the conversation is simply too daunting, which I understand, perhaps you can write your boss a note explaining how this whole situation has affected you and ask for a second chance at mastering the task. If you go this route, refrain from blaming. Simply explain how you feel and that you are committed to constantly learning and improving—and the only way you can do that is with her feedback and support.

Almost everyone who works with others needs to learn to advocate for themselves, which helps bosses and coworkers understand what their strengths and communication preferences are. It can take time, sometimes years, for most people to increase their comfort level with this.

Let’s talk about the new girl (TNG). I think your strong allergy to her is based on two separate things:

1. she is oblivious to your difference and her apparently natural behavior feels like an attack to you, and
2. she was given the task you want.

The first thing you can do something about, and the second thing is not her fault, but your boss’s. I can’t speak to the triangulation issue as that is outside of my expertise. But I will share that it probably isn’t fair for you to blame the new girl for your boss’s poor communication and avoidance of her duty as your boss to be clear with you.

You can continue to try to avoid TNG, or you could practice advocating for yourself with her. The worst thing that can happen is that it doesn’t go well and you will be totally justified in seeking to avoid her.

I asked ChatGPT to help me with an example of what you might say (based on what you shared in your letter) or what you might put in writing to give to her. This is what it came up with.

“Hi! I’m on the autism spectrum, which means I process information and social interactions a bit differently from other people. I really appreciate clear, direct communication—things like being specific, saying what you mean, and avoiding sarcasm or vague hints. I also tend to be very introverted, so I can feel overwhelmed or drained in high-energy, fast-paced social settings or when interacting with very extroverted personalities. Slower-paced, one-on-one conversations help me stay grounded and engaged. I may need a bit of time to respond or ask for clarification, but I truly value connection and appreciate your patience and understanding.”

Of course this may be all wrong, but you get the gist. I got this idea from my daughter who had surgery on her vocal cords and couldn’t talk for an entire month. She created little note cards to help others understand and navigate her limitation. She would hand them out when she needed to interact with people, and they were very understanding and kind.

Finally, and I would never do this if you hadn’t shared that you are a devout Christian, I will remind you that Jesus spoke often about giving grace to others—through forgiveness, compassion, and mercy—even when it’s hard. While He didn’t often use the exact word grace, His teachings and actions were all about extending it. Jesus urged us to forgive generously:

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” (Matthew 18:21–22 NIV)

I in no way want to minimize the pain you have endured by pointing out that the real opportunity here is for you to practice and get better at advocating for yourself by explaining to people how you are different from them and teaching them how to get the best from you. It may be the hardest task you assign yourself, and you may spend the rest of your life mastering it. But the combination of giving people grace and getting good at helping them understand you will make an appreciable difference in all areas of your life.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I just have to tell you that I once had a job in a flower shop where I had to count the money in the register at the end of the day to make sure it matched the total on the register ticket and it was a nightmare, so your predicament strikes very close to my heart.

The only way I could do it was to close the shop and go in the back room and not let anyone talk to me until I got it right. My boss always wanted to chat during this time, and she could count and chat at the same time, so she called me an idiot. TO MY FACE! People still used that language in the 80s. I thought I was one, too, at some level. I barely made it through school because of math.

It turns out that I have a learning disability called dyscalculia, but nobody knew anything about that back then. I only mention it because I had a lot of mean teachers, some of whom accused me of being lazy or willfully stupid. Nevertheless, I managed to run my own business, get a master of science degree, and I now keep the books for my family. So, keep the faith!

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior leader in a highly specialized digital publishing organization and I have about 14 direct reports. Organizationally, I’m third in seniority. My plan is, by the end of 2025, to transition out of this role and into my own coaching and consulting business. I’d be working with some clients, but primarily in an adjacent field.

I am currently working on building up the coaching business on nights, weekends, and off hours. I’ve been able to grow what had been a side hustle into what looks to be a successful final chapter for me (I’m 60 years old) without it affecting my productivity in my current role. My boss is aware that I do this coaching and consulting work, but at this point he is not aware of my plan to transition into coaching full-time in early 2026.

My questions are: when is the appropriate time to tell my boss I’m planning to exit, and how do you recommend I share the news? I want to give him adequate lead time as I think this news will create some significant disruption, and I would like to be involved in handing off the baton to whomever is next to step into my role. But I don’t want to risk my boss overreacting and ending our relationship before I am ready to go.

Thanks for your wisdom. I just want to be—

Smart

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Dear Smart,

First, congratulations on creating a successful side hustle while working full-time. That takes a lot of focus and energy, and it is a huge accomplishment. And welcome to the coaching profession. I hope it brings you all the fulfillment it has given me.

I am struck by how thoughtful you are about your transition out, as you clearly have the success of your company at heart. Your question is interesting on many levels, and it is hard to give you a definitive answer without knowing your company’s culture and your boss. But just the fact that you are concerned about what to me sounds like an irrational overreaction is a clue that your boss values loyalty over proper planning. So, not to be annoying, but as a coach you will recognize the approach: Given what you know, what advice would you give a friend in your position?

I have such a high value for clarity, communication, and planning that it’s hard for me to get my head around a boss who wouldn’t appreciate the heads up, welcome your help in preparing your successor, and wish you Godspeed when you are ready to go. In fact, most leaders I work with would appreciate knowing what someone they depend on is thinking about the future. But you do have concerns, and they come from somewhere, so I encourage you to heed them.

It is the norm in most companies to encourage senior leaders to create a succession plan and actively develop their successors. It doesn’t sound like that is true in your company, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still do exactly that. I urge you to identify any likely candidates among your 14-ish direct reports. Once you’ve got your short list, you might delegate parts of your job or assign these folks tasks that will ensure they learn and develop. At least one or two of them will show evidence that they can take on your job.

The rule of thumb for senior executives is 60 days’ notice—ideally, 90 days for a super smooth transition. If you are really worried that your boss will fly off the handle and retaliate, I would suggest that you wait until you are ready to go and offer a range of transition time from two weeks (which is standard) to 60 days. That way you take care of yourself, you don’t run the risk of being ejected before you are ready, and you can flex as needed if you are asked to craft a sensible transition. Be ready with recommendations and your supporting reasoning for likely replacements. That would be the sane, responsible thing to do, and you’ll be able to hold your head high no matter what happens. You may or may not get to participate in the passing of the baton—that will be up to your boss.

I wish you continued stamina and lots of luck in this next chapter you are creating.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in communications in a multi-national, publicly owned company. I report to our CHRO with a dotted line to marketing. My job is to make sure our messaging is consistent across all our countries.

Our CEO and his executive team recently rolled out a complex strategic vision for the next five years, which included a small but significant reorganization and some new plans. I created the initial coms plan, which my boss took to the executive team. They made a few tweaks and signed off on it. I was so proud of the plan—I used research about change management to create it.

The big vision and the plans were announced at a town hall meeting. It went fine. Some people were freaked out, but that was to be expected. The next week I delivered the follow-up script and deck to the executive team for the FAQ meeting that had been scheduled, only to be told it had been canceled and that I should reschedule it for a month out. I complied, only to have it canceled again. I asked what date might work and got crickets. I have had it on my 1×1 agenda every week, but my boss cancels often as there are always more pressing issues. In the meantime, the entire coms plan is now a full quarter behind. In my last meeting with my boss, he informed me that the CEO doesn’t really see what he is trying to make happen as a “change” and doesn’t see the need to continue focusing on it. Our CEO apparently said, “If we keep talking about it, it will just encourage people to complain more. I want people to just get on with it.”

I get multiple emails a day from department heads asking when the FAQs are going to be ready, along with other questions I don’t have answers to. It is not my place to send anything without my boss’s say so. I feel completely helpless to influence what is looking to me like a train headed off a cliff.

I have been working in companies long enough to know anything that’s different from the status quo is a change, and change needs to be managed carefully and supported with lots of information and conversation. How can I influence my boss to influence the CEO? I am so frustrated.

Helpless

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Dear Helpless

Yours is not the first CEO to be a technically brilliant, gifted strategist who is utterly clueless about how humans operate. Nor is he the first who fails to listen to the people hired to help them accomplish their goals. Is it ego? Self-regard? Hubris? Who knows?

Your CHRO should know better than to allow what is certainly a huge change to go unmanaged. I hate to say it, but it is on his head if the whole thing flops miserably. Cold comfort, I know. But you did your job. You created the plan—it really is not your fault if it is ignored.

You must ask yourself what is within your control here. What if you were to suggest creating a site on the company’s intranet in which you can post the FAQs? Perhaps you could create an email address where people can send questions, just so you can show your boss that the problem is escalating. Instead of waiting for a 1×1, email him to suggest these things, and let him know that unless you hear otherwise, you will go ahead. That way, you take care of people who need answers and you have covered your tail in case your CEO gets upset. There is a good chance he won’t even notice.

Part of me wants to suggest that you write a letter to your CEO explaining that sharing suggestions for what he can do to vastly improve the chances that his people will “get on with it”. But I know in my heart that it will probably not result in anything positive for you. If you thought it had a chance of working, you would have already done that. Continue to surface the issue with your own boss until he tells you to stop. Maybe you could send him a letter outlining the best practices, with supporting research and statistics making the case that he could use with the CEO. But you must guard against being too attached to an outcome.

I am sure you have plenty of other work to do, so figure out what you can do without burning a bridge and let it go. If you continue to nurse your disappointment, it will only end up hurting you.

You might, of course, consider finding work at a company where the leadership is better and you think you can make an impact. There are some decent leaders out there—just not very many.

You can’t take it to heart when people in power refuse to listen to reason. Just do your best. That’s all you can do. Chalk it up to experience, try to find the humor, and move on.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I took some business and leadership courses in college and graduated with a degree in accounting. Last spring I got a job in the finance department of a mid-sized manufacturing company. I like the work and I am learning practical stuff.

What surprises me most is just how bad the management is. Not terrible, per se—just non-existent. Our CEO never talks to us and neither does our CFO. And my boss seldom tells me what he expects from me.

I am pretty scrappy. I’ve made friends in the department and I know who to go to for what, so I am figuring it out. We have team meetings, but there doesn’t seem to be a reason for them. We just talk about problems that come up and how to solve them. These meetings usually devolve into complaining sessions and feel like a waste of time.

My boss has told me to put time on his calendar to have one-on-one meetings with him. We have had a few, but they are awkward. He usually seems distracted and it is obvious his heart isn’t in it. He asks me how I’m doing and I use the time to ask questions. I have very little incentive to make these meetings happen. To be honest, I dread them and could easily find other ways to get the answers I need.

 I can get my job done in about 30 hours a week and I’m toying with investing the other time in a side gig, although that doesn’t really feel right. I feel like I could and should be doing more here but I have no idea what it would be. I’m afraid if I were to surface this concern, my boss would pile on so much more work that it would stress me out.

I guess I thought leaders in businesses that do well would actually lead more. How can I get more value out of my current experience?

Disappointed

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Dear Disappointed,

I appreciate how disappointing it is to have believed that out in the big wide world, professionals knew what they were doing. I, too, have suffered from this many times. The bald truth is that when companies do well, it is usually because their product or service is in high demand and the mechanics required to make it all work are barely adequate. More often than not, the long-term vision and strategy are left to chance and the people who make the organizations run are an afterthought, if they are thought of at all.

The question is: what do you do now? Your options are the standard three that we all have when any situation isn’t working for us.

1. Keep Things as They Are

You could maintain the status quo and just enjoy your extra time windfall. Is it dishonest to use time at work to do other things? Many managers feel that if the employee is getting their work done properly and on time, it’s all good. Others want to know if the person has the capacity to do more or different work. The signals your manager is sending you seem to be in the no-news-is-good-news category.

Another thought: there may be a cycle in the company that you aren’t aware of yet. Perhaps there is a busy season when everyone is slammed. There might be some wisdom in taking a wait-and-see approach.

2. Make an Effort to Change Things

This option involves a little more dedication, but might be good practice for the future. It would involve taking full responsibility for getting something out of your one-on-one meetings with your boss. Most people don’t realize the original idea behind one-on-ones is that they are for the employee and need to be driven by the employee. How? Write down what you think your goals, tasks, and commitments are. Keep a running record of everything you do between meetings as it relates to each goal, commitment, or task, so that you can update your boss on your progress. You may discover you aren’t doing everything your boss expects you to do. You may also discover you’re doing some things your boss doesn’t expect you to do, which may enhance his opinion of your performance. It may also provide context for the questions you ask. For more detail on how to supercharge your one-on-one meetings, you can find an e-book here.

All the effort you put into preparing for one-on-ones will provide both you and your boss much needed clarity—and will be especially useful when performance reviews roll around. This may shift how you and your boss are relating.

3. Leave the Situation

In my experience, when people jump ship without making sincere efforts to change the situation they are in, they end up with almost the exact situation in their next job. I am not saying this is all your fault, but you are part of the equation, so figuring out the part you are playing in the state of things can’t hurt.

If nothing changes, eventually you will get bored and it will be time to seek better leadership and more growth elsewhere. You’ll know when it is time.

I am sorry you are feeling disillusioned, but now you know the truth: people are, for the most part, just stumbling along trying not to screw up too badly. It is the rare human who sets sights on becoming a good person and a great leader, and it appears you might be one of them. So—YAY.

Keep on growing!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

It’s the new year. All my friends and colleagues are talking about New Year’s resolutions. I got nothin’.

I am plugging away at my work goals, but they don’t change much. I like my job. I am good at it. I am not gunning for a promotion. I go to the gym and eat right. I pay my bills. I stay in touch with my family. I like my friends, and we get together and have fun. I am fine with everything else in my life.

I am just questioning the obsession with constantly needing to set new goals to get better. Is it me? What am I missing?

Bah Humbug

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Dear Bah Humbug,

You’re fine. You can give yourself permission to enjoy the life you have created for yourself, which sounds very nice, indeed.

This “New Year, New Me!” time of year is a chance for people who want a change to tap into the collective psychic energy for inspiration and motivation to do something difficult. Maybe it’s something they’ve tried to do in the past and haven’t had success with.

There is no law that says you have to be constantly improving starting the first week in January. You’ll know when you are ready for a change, and it might be in June of 2027.

My point is that it will be there for you when you are ready.

Love, Madeleine

PS: For those who are resolved to make change now, here’s some advice I gave an earlier reader: Not Sure about New Year’s Resolutions? Ask Madeleine

And for those focusing on work goals, check out some advice I shared in a recent article: From Vision to Achievement: How Clear Goals Drive Performance

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

2024 was certainly a time of change. Readers of Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager continued to adapt, grow, and improve their skills to bring out the best in others. From navigating hybrid work complexities to tackling burnout, Madeleine’s insight and practical advice made the road a little easier.

Here is a countdown of this year’s top five most-viewed columns. Madeleine will return on January 4 with a new year of questions—possibly yours?

Working from Home and Feeling Left Out? Ask Madeleine

A remote worker reached out with a familiar concern: as the only remote team member, they felt left out of important conversations and worried their contributions were losing visibility. Madeleine’s advice? Be proactive—schedule regular check-ins, and suggest inclusive practices for your team.

Daily Back-to-Back Meetings Have You Fried? Ask Madeleine

“Help!” wrote a reader stuck in an endless cycle of meetings. Madeleine empathized, noting this is a common issue in today’s hybrid work environments. Her solution? A step-by-step plan to reassess priorities, block focused work time, and diplomatically decline unnecessary meetings.

Not Sure How to Address Burnout? Ask Madeleine

Helping people cope with stressors is a good start, says Madeleine in her third most-read column of the year. But it is far preferable to address the origin of the stressors that cause burnout in the first place. Madeleine shares some recommended resources and strategies.

Hired the Boss’s Son? Ask Madeleine

Regretting a hiring decision? A reader sought advice after realizing the boss’s son might not have been the best fit for the team. Madeleine offered two pathways—depending on the reader’s level of influence and job security—to address the situation constructively.

Team Member Is Overusing PTO? Ask Madeleine

In 2024’s most-read column, a manager sought advice on handling a team member’s excessive PTO usage. Madeleine suggested a compassionate yet firm approach: initiate a conversation about the impact of their choices and explore ways to balance individual needs with team dynamics.

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@blanchard.com. Please note: although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Wishing you a Happy New Year filled with growth, connection, and success!

Dear Madeleine,

I am in a quandary. It may sound dumb to you, but I am interested to hear your thoughts.

I am in my mid-twenties and have been blessed with what seems to be almost incredible luck. I am smart enough, and came wired with a lot of stamina, a strong work ethic, a sunny outlook, and an ability to get along with almost anyone.

I am half Puerto Rican, but most people automatically think I am white. I have the advantage of being a minority when it serves me, but haven’t suffered from discrimination other than the kind that comes with being female—and, to tell the truth, even that hasn’t held me back. I grew up with two very decent parents, surrounded by lots of family, and went to an adequate public school where I got a good education. I was able to take advantage of affirmative action to get myself into a top college with solid financial aid and a work study job I liked. I got into an excellent grad school program, also with financial aid.

Now I have a job I love with a boss who cares about me in an organization that I respect. I have groups of friends whom I love and who love me.

What’s the problem, you’re wondering? Well—there isn’t one. I feel like everyone I meet that is my age has problems—childhood trauma, discrimination, mental illness, terrible parents, bullying—the list goes on and on. I feel boring. I wonder what I did to deserve so much luck. I am actually beginning to think it is going to run out at some point, and I’m waiting for that shoe to drop.

Don’t get me wrong, I have worked very hard and have had to overcome some challenges. It hasn’t all been easy. Do you think I’m nuts to worry?

Just Lucky

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Dear Just Lucky,

You’re not nuts. But you need to cut it out, mainly because worrying never helped anyone or anything. Stop worrying before it becomes a habit and you are as anxious and/or depressed as everyone around you. You came into this life with everything you needed to make the best of it, and you have done exactly that. You have indeed been lucky.

What did you do to deserve so much luck? Well, that’s one of the great existential questions, isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to terrible people? How does who deserves what get decided? Entire disciplines are devoted to answering those questions—philosophy, religious studies, all of the arts. I have come close to formulating answers for myself, but I don’t think my answers are what you are looking for. In fact, I don’t think anyone can answer them for you, and I would recommend that you run away from anyone who claims to have the answers. At the risk of offending those who are certain of “The Truth,” I encourage you to be suspicious of anyone who professes to know it.

There might be some value in examining the language in play here. What does it even mean to “have luck”? Or to “be lucky”? Research shows it is definitely good fortune to come into the world with kind and happy parents, but you and I both know that plenty of people do not see the value in that good fortune. And plenty of people who are born into disastrous circumstances find ways to rise above them. One might say lucky people cultivate a particular skill in noticing and then taking advantage of opportunities. And lucky people work hard to be prepared for the moment opportunity presents itself. And lucky people use good judgment about whom they take advice from. I suspect you have done all of the above.

You can also examine what it means to “deserve.” The most common usage expresses that someone has earned or been given something because of something they have done or because they have certain qualities. This usage implies that the world is fair, and we all know that isn’t true. Another usage implies that to deserve good fortune, one should be worthy of it. This requires that we have a good answer for what it means to be worthy. That, of course, depends entirely on who you ask, so that might be an interesting research project.

In the end, you will have to decide what it means to you. What would it mean to be worthy of your good fortune? I have spent most of my adult life defining that for myself, and am happy to share it with you, even as I caution you to simply add it to all the answers you get in your quest and come to your own conclusion.

In my opinion, to be worthy means to put a great deal of thought into how one can be a contribution to the world, to leave every interaction or situation the better for you having been a part of it. It is that simple, and of course, on many days, that difficult.

One person who has interesting and useful things to say about how “lucky” people are a force for good in the world is Jennifer Brown. Her body of work focuses on how those with privilege can advocate for and be allies of people who have less of it. This can be a wonderful way to share one’s good fortune. But let me be clear, this is not to imply obligation. Succumbing to others’ ideas of how you should go about being worthy is a recipe for disaster.

Another source of good sense to tap is the work of Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, Ruiz offers a code of conduct that is hard to argue with:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Don’t take anything personally.
• Don’t make assumptions.
• Always do your best.

Simple, right? But, given our confounding human nature, not always easy. I have been testing these four practices since the book was published in 1997 and they have never steered me wrong.

Your luck is not going to run out, JL. Lucky doesn’t mean that you get to avoid difficulty and problems. Lucky means that when difficulty and problems crop up, you will face them with your stamina, your work ethic, and your sunny outlook and you will be able enlist help from people who care about you. Will difficult things happen that are outside of your control? Undoubtedly. That is just life. But you will figure out the best way to respond when those things happen, because that’s just who you are, and nothing will change that. Don’t go looking for problems because you feel boring. You aren’t boring. You have entirely too much zest for life to be boring. Plenty of problems will come your way naturally, and when they do, you will be prepared.

You are asking the right questions, JL. Keep asking, keep searching, talk to people you respect and admire, find your own answers, and enjoy the heck out of being you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I think I know the answer to this, but I thought I would just check my thinking. I work in the arts and have been an assistant to many executive directors. My experience is that once people get into that job they never leave, even when they should.

I have been in my current position for a long time, and I have been promised that I will be offered the executive director role in about eighteen months. In the meantime, I have been interviewing for other opportunities and was just offered an executive director position at another institution.

I would prefer to stay where I am. I love the people where I work and am familiar with the requirements of the institution. Moving to a new place would involve a steep learning curve, but it would also be an opportunity for a fresh start.

What do you think?

Torn

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Dear Torn,

I think you know the answer. Every single person who just read your letter knows the answer.

• Because you know that an actual job offer and signed contract is different from a promise of something in “about eighteen months.”
• Because anything could happen, and promises are broken a schmillion times a day. Your current executive director could decide to delay retirement. The board could decide to open a search for a candidate. The job could go to the daughter of the institution’s biggest donor.
• Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

It’s just easier for other people to see the answer because they have no emotional attachment.

Go be an executive director, and enjoy the learning curve. It will serve to make you better at the job.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Intern,

What do today’s interns want out of a summer internship? My company—like many others—hosts six to eight summer interns every year. I’ve been participating in the program for over fifteen years and during that time I’ve had one, two, or sometimes three interns working for several weeks in our marketing department. It’s been a good experience, and I think the interns have learned something along the way.

I’ve always tried to create an experience that does four things:

1. Provides each intern with a project they can call their own and refer to on their résumé
2. Gives them a chance to work together with other interns both in our department and across other departments
3. Introduces them to corporate culture through regular employee training or all-hands meetings, for example
4. Includes very proactive management, with high levels of direction and support from me as needed

I’ve received good feedback from the interns I’ve worked with using this approach, but I’m afraid I may be stuck with an old-fashioned sense of what an internship should look like. (Full disclosure: I’m in my early 60s.)

Could you give me some feedback on what interns are looking for these days? Where am I on track, and where do I possibly need some fresh thinking? I’d appreciate your viewpoint.

 Thanks,

Always Learning

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Dear Always Learning,

Thank you for reaching out! It’s amazing to see how much effort you put into the internship program in your marketing department. You clearly value your interns and the experience you want to create for them.

Centering interns’ experience around a project they can call their own is such a great way to get them involved and keep them motivated! Speaking from experience, I believe interns want something hands-on and fulfilling. For example, I love supporting other people, so Blanchard granted me a multitude of projects that allowed me to put my passion into practice. My only feedback for you would be to ensure each intern’s project caters to their specific professional journey. They are more likely to feel valued when their contributions are aligned with their strengths, goals, and interests. Interns are excited about and proud of their work!

You can also help your interns feel valued by seeking updates about their projects and asking how you can support them. And when they reach an obstacle (because that will happen), help support and problem-solve to get them back on track. Making them feel like an asset to the company is a great way to build up their confidence in a corporate setting and help them stay motivated.

If your interns are anything like me, they are likely worried about the next ten steps in their career. Interns want to help the company, but the experience they gain is also a driver. As you mentioned in your first point, the résumé they are trying to build is very important. An internship often is the first corporate experience someone will have. Helping your interns build their résumé with something they are enthusiastic about will improve their luck during future interviews—and increase the likelihood that they will want to continue working for your company!

I love how you encourage your interns to network and collaborate with one another! Frustration and confusion are part of the learning process, so letting them get acquainted is an amazing way to embed a support system within the company. Also, having them explore other departments is a great idea! Allowing them to see what their peers are doing and possibly assist them establishes those relationships and helps them adapt to the corporate setting.

Going off that, exposing interns to the corporate culture is such an important process. I’m glad you actively introduce them to it, because I think it’s often assumed that Gen Z is opposed to traditional corporate culture. While there are certainly aspects we seek to change, we also respect the systems in place and want to learn how to facilitate change from within them. Sometimes this means giving us opportunities to go all in! I would just make completely sure your interns feel supported during these new experiences. For instance, you might provide them with low-stakes opportunities to spend time with high performers in your department. Your interns might feel uncomfortable or nervous at first, but with your encouragement these kinds of meetings can be a great learning and networking opportunity for them!

High support and high guidance are so important! As interns (and people in general) are introduced to a brand-new set of tasks, they can sometimes get lost or discouraged. Providing guidance during this season is key for a productive environment and experience. It’s great if your interns are highly motivated, but it’s not a deal-breaker if they aren’t. A rough patch of confusion and low confidence is bound to happen, but usually people can work past it. Encouraging open communication without fear of punishment is crucial in this regard. How can someone help if they aren’t aware that something is wrong?

All this to say, I think your “old-fashioned” approach is still valid! If you want to level-up your internship program, my best advice would be to meet your interns where they are—from the beginning to the end of the program. Start by setting expectations about what the experience is going to be like, making sure to consider their personal strengths, goals, and interests. Wrap up the program by asking for candid feedback about their experience. These practices will ensure that your internship program is always evolving to meet the needs of the next round of interns!

It’s great that you and your company recognize the importance of the internship experience. The effort you are putting into the program is outstanding and sets a great example for your interns. Thank you again for reaching out and valuing their experience!

Best wishes,

Addison the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Addison Dixon, Producer Intern for Blanchard Institute.

Dear Intern,

I just got hired as head of sales for a marketing services firm. I’m really excited to drive the future growth of this small and mighty company.

My new team includes several very young team members. For some, this is their first professional job. I have always led more senior sales professionals and leaders of sales teams, so to lead individual contributors—especially at this junior level—makes me a bit nervous. I have children the same age as these employees, and it is a big challenge to engage and motivate them.

I’ve noticed they seem to get frustrated easily. They have a hard time dealing with the pressure of deadlines and don’t like receiving negative feedback or criticism. Also, I already see them taking advantage of our flexible time off and work from home policies.

How am I supposed to help them grow if they can’t accept that they have to change? I want to develop them into productive team members, but the level of work I need to do makes me think it’s not worth it. I’d rather just manage them out and replace them with more senior roles. Any advice before I bail on them?

Stressed-Out Boss

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Dear Stressed-Out Boss,

It’s totally normal, no matter who your employees are, to have communication gaps and growing pains when leading a new team and establishing new team roles and norms.

Don’t get too nervous about your new employees; I’m sure they are just as nervous as you are. If you think back to when you started your first corporate job, I’d guess it was nerve-racking for you too! Just try to put yourself in their shoes.

You talk about how your new members become easily frustrated and have a hard time with the pressure of the deadlines they are given. Pressure is a common stressor for all of us, emerging and established professionals alike! Have you tried talking to them about this issue? There is a possibility they don’t know they can go to you with their problems. They may not want to disappoint you by coming to you with these issues, so they just sweep them under the rug in the hope they will be resolved on their own.

If I was in their situation where I felt I was struggling but was too nervous to tell my boss, hearing something like this would have gone a long way: “I notice you are having a tough time keeping up with deadlines lately. Why do you think you might be falling behind? What can I do to help you?”

If I know anything about my own generation, it’s that we are generally aware of our flaws—but we don’t always know how to ask for help so that we can rise above them.

Let’s be honest: nobody likes to hear that they’re doing something wrong, no matter their age. If your team members see you as someone who isn’t there to support them, they won’t open up to you—and this could become an ongoing issue. On the other hand, if your people see you as someone who wants to help them get better, they will be more likely to come to you for help in the future.

In my experience, most young professionals will respond positively once their leader cracks through that shell and listens to their needs. We really are driven by purpose! Gen Z sometimes has a reputation as difficult to manage—but in reality, we just want to make a difference in our workplace and feel that we are being heard.

As someone who works from home, one important factor that I always appreciate being set in place are the expectations my boss has for me. For example, you could try saying something along the lines of: “I would like you to start coming to the office Monday through Wednesday. On Thursdays and Fridays, you can choose whether you want to work from home or the office.” I think by solidifying these expectations you would see the results you are looking for from your team.

The same thing goes for flexible time off, although this one could be a bit trickier. When employees get their work done and demonstrate good time management skills, time off isn’t a bad thing. This situation also would benefit from a good conversation if you feel they are taking too much time off.

All this to say, don’t bail on your new team without at least trying to talk to them. Yes, they may operate in a way you aren’t quite used to yet, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good workers! You just need to find what clicks for them when you bring your concerns to their attention.

I hope this advice helps you so that you can feel confident in the future when you get your next round of young professionals in the workplace. I know your new team will appreciate the extra time and attention you are putting in to try and become a better boss for them!

Best of luck!

Jaida the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Jaida Hess, Intern for Blanchard Innovation Lab.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a Boomer who is three or four years away from retirement (I hope). Over the last few years I have been working with many people who are much younger than my own children. I went from noticing that I was old enough to be the parent of my direct reports to now realizing I could be their grandparent.

I was comfortable navigating people who were the age of my own kids—after all, I was heavily involved in how the world was changing as they came of age. However, now I find myself a bit at sea. I am always worried about saying the wrong thing or doing something that will be interpreted as clueless. (I even worry that words like clueless are passé!)

I wonder what wisdom you might share that will help me relate more effectively to the kids just now entering the workforce.

Okay Boomer

____________________________________________________________

Dear Okay Boomer,

First of all, thank you for reaching out and for being open to learning and adapting! It’s awesome that you’re actively seeking ways to connect with younger coworkers. I can totally understand why it might be hard to connect with my generation, especially because the development of new technologies played such an integral part in our growing up. I’d love to share with you a few ideas on how you can develop stronger relationships with your younger co-workers.

One extremely important thing my generation values is authenticity. We are very big on being real and we see insincerity as a poor quality in anyone. When a young professional senses that someone is insincere, it can be a huge block in developing a relationship with them.

I get that you may want to connect with us—and we want to connect with you! So if there’s something you don’t know about us, it’s perfectly okay to ask. Most of us appreciate when someone makes an effort to understand us rather than pretending to know us. Being upfront about your experience and expressing a genuine interest in learning from us can create a strong foundation for positive interactions.

Bouncing off that, keeping somewhat up to date with current events, pop culture, and technological trends can be a great way to start a casual conversation with us. You definitely don’t need to be an expert, but having a general awareness can help you relate to conversations and references. We get a lot of our information from resources online, especially through social media. If you haven’t already, you may want to consider creating a social media account for yourself and following some popular new sources. If not, no biggie—a quick Google search on current events can go a long way!

On the other hand, we want to get to know you! We value your insights and can learn a lot from your career and life story. Don’t shy away from sharing your wisdom and experiences—but please do so in a way that is open to discussion.

Being a mentor to a younger colleague can provide them with guidance and insights, and it also allows you to learn from their perspective. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship that can foster deeper understanding and respect on both sides.  Reverse mentorship, where younger employees share their knowledge on emerging trends and technologies, can be a great way to bridge the generational gap. For example, when giving advice on a work-related project, share what you have done in the past but allow the other person to make suggestions as well.

In regard to communication, clarity and directness are essential. We value straightforwardness and appreciate when feedback is given honestly and constructively. Avoiding language that might be outdated or overly complex helps in maintaining clear and effective communication. Words like clueless aren’t necessarily passé, but it’s good to be mindful of context and the evolution of language. Additionally, utilizing digital communication tools such as instant messaging or project management platforms can help streamline interactions and make collaboration more efficient.

It’s important to recognize and celebrate achievements, both big and small. Acknowledging the hard work and accomplishments of younger co-workers can boost morale and create a positive work environment. Whether it’s through formal recognition programs or simply expressing thanks in day-to-day interactions, showing appreciation and gratitude can go a long way in building strong relationships.

Flexibility, adaptability, and ability to understand our values are also significant qualities we look for. The workplace is changing rapidly, and being open to new ways of doing things can make a big difference. For example, many of us are accustomed to using various apps and software for everything from task management to team collaboration. Showing an interest in these tools can help you stay connected and integrated with the team’s workflow. Additionally, understanding that my generation highly values diversity, inclusion, and mental health is powerful knowledge. Recognizing and supporting these values can create a more inclusive and harmonious work environment. Simple actions, like ensuring everyone’s voice is heard in meetings or supporting initiatives that promote well-being, can show that you’re in tune with what matters to us.

Remember, the goal isn’t to completely change who you are. It’s to find common ground and build mutual respect. So don’t worry too much about making mistakes. Everyone does, and what matters is the effort to connect and improve. Your willingness to adapt and learn is already a significant step toward building better relationships with the younger workforce. By being authentic, communicative, flexible, and supportive, you can create a more inclusive and collaborative workplace that benefits everyone!

Best of luck!

Maci Kate the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Maci Kate Rehborg, Blanchard Community Experience Intern.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a regional president for a global services company. One of my executive team members recently retired, leaving rather suddenly as the result of an unexpected health issue. We interviewed some candidates to replace him but, ultimately, I took his recommendation to go with the person who had been his chief of staff/second in command.

She interviewed well, outlined her vision and plans, and referred to herself as “strategic” multiple times. She has a lot going for her. But she has been in the role six months now and is just not stepping up the way I had been led to expect. I’m not seeing the strategic capability I need.

I know I’ve been spoiled by having a mature, experienced executive team for a long time. But I find I have little patience when providing detailed direction to someone who I think should not need it at this level. I struggle to explain exactly what she should be doing differently, but I think I’ll know it when I see it.

There are days I want to just call it a bad hire and try again—but I also don’t want to waste more time getting someone from outside the organization up to speed. Part of me feels like I should give her a chance to prove herself.

We are located in South America, so things get slow with vacations, etc. She is out for the next two weeks, and I want to be ready with a plan when she comes back. Any ideas?

Disappointed

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Disappointed,

At the risk of insulting you, “I’ll know it when I see it” is just not good leadership. It is possible your new person won’t have what it takes to succeed, but I can guarantee that if you continue to make her guess what that is, you will both be miserable.

The leap from second in command to executive in charge of an entire business function is notoriously fraught for anyone. Based on my experience coaching clients who have been promoted into executive roles, the biggest shock is that they are expected to make recommendations and decisions. Most people, prior to becoming a senior executive, have spent their entire careers enjoying the luxury of knowing someone else is responsible for making decisions that will be either the right ones or the wrong ones. Mistakes at this level have massive consequences, and to suddenly be the one potentially making them can be terrifying enough to cause paralysis.

In addition, I think it can be especially challenging to join an intact executive team that has been together for years. You all have a shared history, language, and way of operating together that will take a newcomer a while to learn how to navigate.

I have some ideas that will help you be ready for your newbie’s return from holiday and get you both on a promising trajectory.

I agree that bringing someone in from the outside will take more time than getting your new exec where you want her to be. It will solve some issues and present a set of new ones. Either way, there are things you will need to do for a brand-new person and/or your existing person.

1. Integrate the Person into the Executive Team

Work with your HR Business partner to create a new Team Charter that lays out the mission of your executive team, the exact roles of each team member, and the behavioral and communication norms you can all agree to. You had this with your former team: a set of implicit rules you all abided by that probably developed organically over time. It is so subtle you didn’t even realize what you had until it was gone—but if you want to get it back, you will have to be intentional about it.

If you are like most senior leaders you will find this kind of work unbearably tedious, but I promise it will be worth it. It will give everyone on your executive team a chance to reboot and create clarity about what is expected by and of each member of the team. For more detail about that, here is an eBook that may help. This will lay the foundation for the next step.

2. Find a Way to Express Exactly what a Good Job Looks Like

I know you struggle with practicing patience, which I can understand, but putting a little effort into articulating what you need will pay off. It will either provide the clarity your new executive needs to succeed, or it will provide you with the evidence you need to replace her.

To get the kind of detail required, ask yourself some questions:

• What did your former exec do that made him so great?
• What did he not do?
• What are you hoping for that you are not seeing?
• What do you wish your new exec would do more of? Less of? Start doing? Stop doing?
• What needs doing that you take for granted and you think is obvious to everyone?

You have been a senior leader for so long, you and your team have forgotten how you got to be so competent. Consider these strategic management behaviors:

• Articulating and sharing vision and overall objectives
• Formulating goals
• Assessing internal environment and external threats
• Creating action plans to achieve goals
• Planning organizational structures and resource allocation
• Process re-engineering
• Providing direction and support to one’s own team
• Being a role model for organizational values and culture
• Leading change initiatives
• Evaluating results and responding accordingly

Use this to create your own list. What is missing from this list? What is on this list that isn’t important to you? Hopefully, getting to this level of detail will help you identify the exact areas where your new executive is falling behind.

Once you have made it crystal clear to your new team member what you need from her, only then will you know if she will be able to rise to the job. Otherwise, you are expecting her to read your mind, which isn’t clear to begin with. I expect if you hired a new person for this role, you would find yourself with the exact same problem.

After you have done a little bit of re-chartering with your senior team and have made clear what a good job looks like, you will need to bolster your newbie’s confidence. It will take time for her to get her feet under her, to trust what she knows, and to develop the courage of her own convictions. If you have done your part, she will feel more integrated with her new peers and be able to hear and respond to your direction.

I hope, for both of you, that she surprises you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a rapidly growing not-for-profit. I put together a great board, our fundraising efforts paid off, and I have a great team.

In a recent chat, my head of accounting made a crack about needing to wait to share something with me because he wanted to catch me “in the right mood.” I called him and asked him to explain what he meant. He was kind of surprised I called him out on something he expected me not to notice, and was obviously afraid he had offended me. After several attempts, he finally spilled it. What he said really has me thinking.

The bottom line of his message was that I am really moody. No one on the team ever knows what state I will be in. They are always nervous I will be in “one of my moods,” and they know to watch for it and avoid me on those days.

I was shocked and offended, but I knew enough not to take it out on him. The truth is, I am moody. I have always been moody. I am super creative, I have a really high IQ, and it drives me nuts when I have to slow down or explain something more than once. I have very high highs and very low lows. I thought I was managing it so people didn’t notice, and it embarrasses me to admit this when it is so obvious now how wrong I was. I didn’t realize how much of an effect my moodiness has on my team. But now that I really look at it, I can see how it has impacted all of my personal relationships, not just work ones.

I know I need to do something about this. All my online results are trying to convince me that I have a personality disorder and need therapy and/or drugs, but that feels like overkill. I just don’t know what I can do on my own or where to start. I would appreciate your take on this.

Moody

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Moody,

“The hardest thing about being a leader is that you have to behave yourself all day.”

Lee Cockerell, who was the executive vice president of operations for Walt Disney World^® Resort for ten years and who trained over 7000 leaders for Disney, said this when he spoke at one of our company events about a decade ago.

At the time, my husband and I caught each other’s eye across an auditorium of people because we had never heard that truth stated quite so succinctly. And because he was speaking to us.

This statement is true for every leader, but it is more of a challenge for people who are super intense, who think and move quickly, and who have more ideas than they know what to do with.

You have self-awareness, Moody, which is a critical important first step. In addition, you got the memo that your natural tendencies are impacting others in a way that is eroding your effectiveness, which is the important second step. So you can pat yourself on the back and give yourself a little credit.

The next step is to dig deep to find the motivation you need and to practice the self-regulation you need to change your behavior. You may be able to tap into the purpose that drove you to start a not-for-profit in the first place. Another possible angle is to decide once and for all that your job is to serve your people, not to serve yourself and your moods. You are a powerful person, Moody, and you have power as well. It is important to always remember that your job is to use your personal and position power for good.

Finally, you will need to address your moodiness. This is a two-pronged project. You will need to do two things:

1. Figure out what causes your mood swings to see if you can make some changes.
2. Find ways to manage your behavior when you are in the grips of a mood.

These are two different things and the distinction is important. Many people mix the two together, which is what causes confusion.

1. Reducing the wild swings

You can start this one on your own. If you can’t make headway, enlist the help of a professional. Start right now by noticing your mood patterns. What affects your mood? Things to examine:

• Lifestyle: There are so many lifestyle factors that can affect mood: Sleep, caffeine, exercise, meditation/yoga/prayer, diet, proper hydration. It is astonishing the extent to which blood sugar can affect mood, not to mention our ability to moderate our own impulses. So make sure you eat high-quality foods on a regular basis. Also, the effects of using alcohol and other substances can take a toll on mood. I know this is obvious, but what may not be so obvious is that it gets harder for the body to metabolize what are essentially neurotoxins as we age, and sometimes it takes a while for people to register that they can no longer get away with the same stuff they could in their youth.
• Fun: Are you having any? Are you doing enough of the things that bring you joy?
• Tolerations: Take stock of all the seemingly small things you are putting up with, such as: A light bulb in the fridge needs replacing, but you only remember when you open it and can’t find what you are looking for. There’s a re-occurring charge on your credit card for an app or service you thought you’d cancelled. The temperature regulation in your shower is wonky so you either get scalded or shocked, and the next available date the plumber can come is weeks away. None of these things are a big deal in the grand scheme, but boy, when they start to add up, it can really push you over the edge. Tolerations need to get handled by either delegating them or making the time yourself.
• Pay attention to what elicits a radical change in your mood. Once you have a sense of what throws you off, consider what you can change: what can you eliminate or delegate or avoid? How can you change the way you focus your time and attention?

2. Regulating your own behavior despite moods

• Protect yourself and others from your moods. If you are having a bad day, move meetings and do something that doesn’t require you to interact with others—admin work, research, writing, etc.
• If you get seriously triggered, go for a walk around the block and let yourself cool off.
• You can lose your mind and write whatever you want to express how you feel, or record on your phone whatever you want to say to someone you are annoyed with. But you can never send that email, text, or voicemail. JUST DON’T SEND. You can always revise when you feel more reasonable. You will never, ever regret something you didn’t say in the heat of the moment.

The skill to learn that will help you to both even out your moods and manage yourself when your mood goes dark is mindfulness. It is a big buzzword right now, and everyone has a book or class or program to sell you. Don’t let me keep you from educating yourself, but you can start practicing right now by simply noticing—paying attention—to your thoughts and feelings as they occur, with curiosity and without judging. This will build on your initial self-awareness and help you understand your own weather systems better. Keep notes on what you notice, what works, and what doesn’t.

Don’t try to do everything all at once; choose one thing to start with. Start small and don’t give up. If you can’t stick to it alone, this is a perfect thing to work on with a coach.

If you find that you can’t manage your moods with lifestyle changes, eliminating a lot of dumb stuff that sets you off, and finding more joy in your life, find a mental health professional to address underlying issues you may have. Any decent coach will know to refer you to a therapist if that is what is needed.

If not now, when? This isn’t something to leave for later. Your efforts will make a massive difference—to you, the people you work with, and the people you live with. And of course, to the success of your business.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in fashion manufacturing. I was promoted about six months ago. I manage the supply chain, timelines for delivery of goods, etc. I have a huge team and work all hours because I am in western Europe and my teams are in China, Mexico, and Vietnam.

When I took the job, things were a bit of a mess, and I am very pleased to have turned things around. I instituted new software and updated processes. We have worked through the kinks and things are humming along nicely.

My boss seems pleased with my work but told me the executive team is seeking more innovation in my area.

I have asked for more detail because I am stumped. I thought the place for innovation was in the design of the product, not in the execution required to get it to market. Taking the job felt like a big risk for me, and I am more confident now that I have had success. But my sense is that innovating requires taking risks—and there is no tolerance for errors that might impede our ability to deliver on orders.

I have zero confidence in my ability to innovate in this job. My boss is not offering any insight into what “more innovation” might mean for my group. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions.

Any ideas?

Zero Ideas

_________________________________________________________

Dear Zero Ideas,

You might be suffering from a language dilemma—because the crazy thing, ZI, is that it sounds like what you just did was innovate, and in a big way. You see yourself as someone who spots what isn’t working and does what needs to be done to make it work. A problem solver, perhaps. It probably didn’t occur to you that everything you did to fix the mess (trying new ways and working through the kinks) was, technically, innovating.

I would submit that the executive team sees you as an innovator because of what you just accomplished, and they are asking for more. So just for a moment, at least for the time you spend reading this, can you accept that you are already an innovator? It is a shift in your mindset that may require suspension of disbelief, but may be worth trying on.

Britney Cole, our vice president of innovation, has a lot of wisdom on this topic (you can read her most recent article here). She says the first step to innovation is to define it. Her definition: “Innovation is the discipline of applying ideas that solve problems in new ways to create value.”

Can’t you see yourself in that definition?

Another of Britney’s insights is that to be successful, innovation efforts need to have two specific things in place:

1. A person who is dedicated to continual improvement (you).
2. An innovation-friendly company culture.

As you seek to develop yourself as an innovator, you can rely on your natural talent for identifying problems and finding the best solutions. You can build on that talent by asking yourself these questions:

• What is working brilliantly (that might be applied elsewhere)?
• What pain points still exist in our business (that could stand improvement)?
• What new ideas have surfaced that might benefit from further inquiry (that perhaps we have discounted in the interest of efficiency)?

I suspect ideas will begin to pop immediately. For more guidance on what to keep in mind as you go, here is another article from Britney.

An additional suggestion, which I learned directly from Britney, is to apply the design thinking “How might we” approach to solving problems or making improvements. (Please forgive my total ignorance of your business, but I am going to make up a few examples based on your letter):

• Now that things are working well, how might we leverage technology to make them even more efficient?
• How might we minimize confusion caused by working across multiple time zones?
• How might we scale so that our business can grow more quickly?

It’s possible your organization may not be that friendly to innovation, so you may have to be a trailblazer to shift your culture. This might even be what the executive team is asking for. When senior leaders in companies want more innovation but have no idea how their culture actually discourages it, they tend to identify individual innovators and hope that they can help. It is a classic example of how lack of clarity at the top of an organization can show up; it is a bit of an “I’ll know it when I see it” attitude that is, frankly, irresponsible—especially since a culture of fear already exists that you will need to work against.

Here is an e-book about The Factors That Encourage and That Discourage Innovation in Organizations. This may help you identify the potential obstacles you could face from a systems standpoint as you seek to experiment.

It is totally fair that you require more detail, and you are probably right that asking more questions may help you get what you need. Your instinct to ask questions is right on the money. The key is to keep asking until you get the insight you need.

Here are some ideas. If none of these is quite right, I hope at least they will spark others that feel more useful.

• What will the executive team see or have if I innovate more?
• What results would make a difference to the organization?
• What is making the executive team most nervous about our business/ the marketplace/ the economy?
• What problems does the executive team see that innovation would solve?
• What is most important to the executive team, and is maybe not being addressed?
• Are there things our competitors are doing that we need to be doing?

And finally:

• If we rely on the above definition of innovation, how might our business add or create new value that would excite the executive team?

Your first step, ZI, is to shift your self-concept. That alone will increase your confidence. Continue to do the things you are good at: spotting problems and solving them. Keep asking questions. Go slow. Build plans and get feedback. Get buy-in every step of the way.

I suspect you will surprise yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

The year 2023 will be remembered as a time of high managerial expectations from an in-demand workforce. Readers of Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager continued to adapt, grow, and improve their skills to bring out the best in others. Here is a list of this year’s top five most viewed columns. Madeleine will be back on January 6 with a new year of questions (possibly yours?) from well-meaning managers.

Trying to Stop Interrupting Others? Ask Madeleine

A reader asks Madeleine for help with a common problem in today’s fast-paced world—how to stop interrupting people. Madeleine shares four triggers that might be causing the problem, along with strategies for improvement. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/trying-to-stop-interrupting-others-ask-madeleine 

Not Sure How to Exceed Expectations with Your Boss? Ask Madeleine

A reader shares that in their last performance review they were asked to “find new ways to add value to the organization.”  The reader asks Madeleine for help decoding what that means—and how to address it. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-how-to-exceed-expectations-with-your-boss-ask-madeleine

Just Promoted—and Drowning? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine helps a recently promoted manager who is struggling with the demands of their new high-profile job. Madeleine shares that half the battle of being a senior leader is choosing what to pay attention to and what to ignore. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/just-promoted-and-drowning-ask-madeleine

Does Every Hire Need to Be a Rock Star? Ask Madeleine

A reader raises an interesting question about hiring for a position that requires someone to simply keep their head down and get the job done. Their boss is advocating for a young, ambitious candidate. The reader believes it makes more sense to hire someone who will not be disappointed with the lack of a career path. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/does-every-hire-need-to-be-a-rock-star-ask-madeleine 

Want to Be a Better Mentor? Ask Madeleine

In the most read column of the year, a reader asks Madeleine for advice on how to be a great mentor.  Madeleine shares a roadmap and strategies for the mentor-mentee relationship, and how mentors can know at the end that they have done a good job. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/want-to-be-a-better-mentor-ask-madeleine

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@blanchard.com. Please note: although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Best wishes for the New Year!

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior sales manager in a mid-sized company. I love the company, the work we do, and the people. I have been identified as a high potential. My team always hits goal, I get consistently excellent performance reviews, and I have every expectation that I will have a shot at chief revenue officer.

The company positions itself as family-friendly, which has been my experience. We all have a lot of flexibility. As long as people are available and the work gets done, nobody really cares about how. I have one child in preschool and am expecting another one. I am a fairly private person, so I didn’t share the news with anyone until it became obvious. The next thing I knew, a very senior woman in the company—a person I respect who has been a bit of a mentor to me and (not incidentally) who has a lot of influence—walked into my office and said, “I thought you were serious about your career.”

I was floored. What the heck? All I could think to say was, “Of course I am. What makes you think I’m not?” She expounded on how having one kid is fine, but having two means you will never be able to give the job everything you have. Then she said I was “signaling a lack of commitment” by having another kid!

I am so mad. I mean come on, are we still living in 1958? Many people on our executive team—all men— have multiple children. I really thought I had enough of a track record to be taken seriously despite my desire to have a family. I should note that this woman does not have children.

I find myself spiraling, constantly reliving the conversation and having pithy comebacks. I don’t know if others on the executive team have the same attitude. Now I am worried that I am sabotaging my career goals.

What should I do?

Angry and Worried

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Angry and Worried,

I am floored along with you. And I am sorry that someone you trusted thought that sharing their opinion at all, let alone in such a hurtful way, was a good idea.

What should you do? I have some thoughts.

First: Let. It. Go. You are obsessing, going in circles, and engaging in rumination. Rumination is defined by neuroscientists as “a form of perseverative cognition that focuses on negative content, generally past and present, and results in emotional distress.”  The more you do it, the more you create neural pathways in your brain that can become entrenched and self-perpetuating. I don’t think you need to worry about having a disorder—something was triggered in you, and you should be able to manage it. How to let it go? You can read more about rumination and how to stop it here. Most people I have worked with on this (including myself) have had success with a few different methods.

• Get a reality check. Talk to your boss—maybe even your boss’s boss. Check out the woman’s assumptions and assess the extent to which they might be shared by others. Take the opportunity to reiterate your commitment to the company, to the work, and to your own career advancement. Just doing this may very well put your mind at rest.
• Fight back. Meet with your HR business partner or even the CHRO if that makes sense. Get crystal clear about your rights. Share your experience and test out the possibility of lodging an official complaint against the woman for creating a hostile work environment. This may be going too far for you, and could impact you negatively if the woman has as much influence as you think—but you may get support from HR to keep this person’s assumptions from influencing others.
• Write a letter to the woman, including all of your pithy comebacks, that you don’t send. Take the time to write it all down and get it all out of your head. This should help you to stop going in circles. There is something about writing out your thoughts that can be incredibly therapeutic.
• Finally, remember who you are. One of my favorite quotes, attributed to multiple people, is “your opinion of me is none of my business.” Just because someone has an opinion about the ability of women to be both excellent parents and strong contributors at work doesn’t mean it is true. There are literally millions of examples that prove she is wrong. And you know yourself. You obviously believe you have what it takes.

You have allowed yourself to fall into the trap of taking something personally. It is totally normal—we all do it, and we are particularly susceptible when the offender is someone we respect. You must remember, however, that everything your former mentor said is 100% about her, and absolutely not about you. As a sales professional, I submit that you might simply turn this challenge into motivation to prove her wrong. I guess that might not be high quality motivation, but it sure works for a lot of people!

You’ve got this. Will it be easy? Probably not. Can everyone do it? Not everyone has the stamina, the ability to manage chaos, and the flexibility any woman needs to be a great mom while having a robust career. But I suspect you do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at a crossroads in my career. I am 63 years old and have held positions of plant manager and operations manager. I currently serve as director of operations at a company that offers overhead crane and hoist design, manufacturing, and maintenance services. My past has been challenging; I have reinvented myself a few times, turned a company around that was failing, etc.

My current situation is with a family-owned business where the entire family is employed. The owner is becoming less and less engaged and seems to be losing interest in day-to-day operations. When he does check in, his decisions are less than sound. His kids are in their thirties and do not yet seem to have the skills or experience needed to oversee and manage the company.

I have been invited to relocate from the midwestern US to Florida to run a fabricating company. However, due to the poor health of some people in charge of this potential opportunity, I have been told to sit tight until they are ready to decide. I don’t get many opportunities like this, and it seems ideal for my varied background and niche skill set.

My issue is that I am so driven, I feel I need to make something happen. I am a Christian and pray daily, and I know God has a plan for me.

I guess I am looking for your advice on the direction I should take. Is there something I can read, look up, sign up for, or attend to further my passion for my career?

Thank you for your time, Madeleine.

Impatient

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Impatient,

I think you have three choices here:

Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to hire an experienced and skilled CEO to guide the business into the future.

This choice would allow you to stay and continue to make a contribution without uprooting your whole life. You might even consider putting yourself up for the job of CEO. Although you may not feel that you have the requisite skills, many CEOs do come from operations. If you choose this path, you will want to be prepared with clear examples to support your assertion that none of the kids are ready to step into leading the company. I can’t imagine that the owner wants to see the whole enterprise crash and burn any more than you do. Only you can decide if you think you are signed up to lead at that level.

Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to appoint you as mentor/ advisor/ coach to the most competent of the family members in the next generation.

This choice holds some of the advantages of the first choice, but this one would allow you to avoid taking on all of the responsibility while still making a huge contribution guiding young people. For this one, you would need a clear description of the job, not to mention the buy-in from the second generation. They would have to not only be aware of their lack of readiness but also possess the humility to accept your influence. To be fair, this would be a rare and glorious exception, but, hey, it could happen. Of course, you would need to listen to your heart to know if being in service that way would suit your temperament. This, too, would be a form of leadership.

Take a deep breath and decide to wait for the folks in Florida to make a decision while you research other opportunities.

This may be the best option. It sounds as if you have already written off the owner and the kids in your current situation and are ready to jump ship. This choice would just require a little patience. Passion is a very useful quality until it causes us to jump the gun and make rash decisions. You would want to make sure that you are driving your passion instead of letting it drive you. It might be appropriate to check in with the Florida people to get a sense of their timeline—they can’t expect you to wait forever. In the meantime, you may not think there are many potential opportunities for someone with your background, but excellence in operations does translate well across industries, so there may be more than you think.

I can’t tell you what direction to take, but you mention that you have a relationship with God, so I encourage you to spend some time in prayer asking for input on this. My experience is that regardless of religious affiliation, when we ask for guidance, it is often offered. We aren’t always listening when the answers come, though, and we don’t always like the answers.

I hope that some of these ideas are useful, or, even better, that they spark a new idea or insight for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is the Chief Revenue Officer for a billion-dollar, publicly traded company, and I am watching her melt down in real time. She has been in the job for two years and has made one spectacularly bad decision after another.

Sales have tanked to an all-time low. I know for a fact that the earnings reporting is…not accurate. The stock price is slipping.

On Zoom calls she is manic, erratic, often making bizarre proclamations. I watch the faces of my peers and to a person the eyes are wide, lips tight. But no one is saying anything.

I can’t understand why our CEO, whom everyone acknowledges is a genius, put her in the job to begin with or has tolerated performance that has gone steadily downhill. It makes no sense.

Things have just gotten so weird; I don’t know who I can get a reality check with. It feels like I am losing my mind. I have been with the company a long time, and it has always been on a healthy upward trajectory. The CEO never would have tolerated such poor performance in the past.

I have a lot of stock options as part of my comp, and I am thinking now would be a good time to vest, with the stock price so low. I get calls from headhunters all the time, and I am beginning to think I should take them. I would feel bad abandoning my team, all of whom I love and care for. I am so conflicted.

Should I Bail?

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Should I Bail?

It sounds like a topsy-turvy world. I think when people start behaving strangely, especially when the CEO is asleep at the wheel—either actively ignoring an obvious problem or, as you imply, is somehow misrepresenting the numbers—you must assume something shady is going on. If no one is pointing out that the proverbial Empress Has No Clothes but you see it clearly, I would say you should trust your own judgment.

I can’t tell you to leave your job but I can ask you this: If your best friend told you all of what you have told me, and you trusted his judgment, what advice would you give him? If your immediate answer is “are you kidding, get the heck out of there!” —well, there is your answer.

There is no harm in taking the calls from recruiters, exploring your options, and getting a sense of what opportunities are available out there. You can brush off your resume and update your LinkedIn profile to be poised and ready to exit if your instincts prove correct. The only person who is going to care about your career and financial stability at this point is you, so preparing is smart. I applaud your concern about your team; it would be painful to feel like you are letting people down. If you do bail, you must trust that they will take your lead, start looking for options, and all land on their feet.

I often ask successful people what their biggest mistake was, and fascinatingly, almost to a person, it is a variation on “I didn’t pay attention to my gut and went along when I knew I shouldn’t.” You have been with the company for long enough that you can tell when you are seeing things that don’t add up. If you are not habitually negative and think something is going terribly wrong, then you are probably right.

Good luck to you.

Love,

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

You have answered many questions about being a mentor—but as a young person in my first job, I wonder how I can find a mentor. How do I go about it? How do I know if someone is the right mentor for me? Once I find someone willing to mentor me, how do I go about being a good mentee?

Seeking a Mentor

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Dear Seeking a Mentor,

Everyone I know who has a mentor or has had multiple mentors shares a few traits. They are ambitious and goal oriented, are curious about others, can be gregarious, and are comfortable asking for help. The fact that you are asking these questions now is a sign that you are on the right track.

Before you go searching for the right mentor, you will want to be clear on your career goals. They may change, and that’s okay. But in order to enlist support, you need to be able to articulate what you want support for. Whatever your goal is will inform the steps you need to take to reach it—and it is those steps that others can potentially help you with.

Maybe, say, you need to research the kinds of jobs that interest you. Reach out to people who have those jobs. Ask them to share what they like about the job, what they don’t like, and what they wish they had known when they were just starting out. This takes guts, and some people will turn you down. But you may be surprised at how many are eager to share their wisdom with you.

Maybe you need to build a specific skill set. You can ask around to see who is respected and admired for having that skill set. Then you can approach those folks to ask them how they got so good at those specific skills.

Almost everyone loves to be asked for advice—and they really love talking about themselves. Almost everyone will be delighted to spend some time with you answering smart questions. Listen carefully to what they say to ascertain what is important and interesting to them, then shape your questions along those lines.

Make sure you thank anyone who takes the time to speak with you. Take note of what they are interested in and stay in touch by sharing news tidbits, blogs, books, or websites that you think will appeal to them.

As you have conversations with more experienced people, you will eventually find one or two with whom you feel a genuine connection. These are the people you can ask to mentor you. Not everyone you ask will bite—it might not be a good time for them, or they may feel they are mentoring too many people. They will either decline or leave the door open for you to ask again in the future. Eventually, though, someone will be flattered and excited by the idea.

Once you do find someone who is willing to mentor you, you can co-create how you want the relationship to look. Perhaps your new mentor has had successful mentoring relationships and has strong ideas about what works well. Perhaps not. You can agree to start with a design and then tweak as you go. The key is for you to take 100% responsibility for driving the relationship, and for the two of you to have clear agreement. Pay special attention to these areas:

• Agree on a time frame: It is good to commit to a finite period of time. You may both agree to continue once you reach the end of it, but it gives you both an out if one is needed.
• Set specific goals for the time period: They may change, but having goals will give both of you a sense of the impact the mentoring is having.
• Have regular meetings: Start with some kind of regular framework for getting together, either over the phone or in person. You won’t both be able to make every meeting; that’s fine. But if you don’t have a schedule, months can whiz by with no input.
• Review progress: Every month or so, check in on how the partnership is going. Are you getting value? Is the mentor feeling good about everything? I was once completely ghosted by a mentee, and to this day have no idea why. It didn’t feel great.
• Make clear requests: It is okay to ask for what you want, and it is okay for your mentor to say no. They may offer something else or even something better that is easy for them. Be clear, flexible, and patient.
• Prepare: Be ready for your meetings by outlining actions you have taken, results you have produced, obstacles you need help to overcome, and questions that have cropped up since your last meeting. The more you prepare, the more value you will get out of whatever time you are granted. As a bonus, your mentor will feel that you are taking their time seriously and that their investment in you is wise.
• Express gratitude: Find ways to say thank you. A handwritten note or fun card is never bad, antiquated as that idea might be. A small gift of chocolate, a book, gourmet tea, flowers, or bourbon—depending on the tastes of your mentor—is always welcome. Gifts don’t need to be fancy or expensive, they just need to show that you are paying attention and that you have given it a little thought. You might also find ways to acknowledge your mentor to others when appropriate. If you do something your mentor suggested or helped you with and it gets attention from others, you can always give credit where credit is due.

Ken Blanchard wrote a book on this topic with Claire Diaz-Ortiz that will help you: check out One Minute Mentoring.

Best of luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior analyst at an insurance company. I want to start building my leadership influence.

I know my position is not at manager level yet, but I think leadership can happen at all levels. I am also very young compared to my colleagues who are at the same level in the company. I used to think influence meant popularity (e.g., numbers of likes and comments on my LinkedIn posts), but I am starting to feel that this is not true.

I read in a book that leadership influence means how many people would follow a leader and change their behaviors after interaction with the leader. Do you agree? Do you have any advice on how I can begin developing influence at my position?

Future Influencer

______________________________________________________

Dear Future Influencer,

This is a great question, and the topic could be a whole book. There are, in fact, plenty of books on the topic, most of which focus on communication skills. So I will try to hit some highlights, and maybe share a perspective you might not get elsewhere.

I agree that leadership can happen at all levels, starting with the self. I think the definition you share sounds right. Influence isn’t the same as popularity, and it is definitely not something that can be measured by interaction with others on social media.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary says influence is “the power to change or affect someone or something—especially the power to cause changes without directly forcing those changes to happen. Influence can also refer to a person or thing that affects someone or something in an important way.”

To boil it down, I think it means being able to get people to support you and your ideas or do stuff you need them to do, especially if it is inconvenient or isn’t really their job.

You might start by zooming in on three areas:

1. You: Who are you, and how do you add value to any situation? Get clarity on your own personality and core needs. Understanding others is much easier when you understand yourself because you can figure out how you are different from others, why it matters, and what you can do about it.

A great way to discover more about yourself is with our content on Essential Motivators. Watch this webinar to get going: Developing a Deeper Understanding of Yourself and Others. You will also want to understand what combination of traits, experience, and skills add up to being your superpowers. What are you naturally great at and what do you love to do that might be useful to others? You can use this knowledge to get involved with projects or committees in your organization that will help you find ways to contribute while vastly increasing your network.

2. Your Dreams: What do you dream of accomplishing (not job title or salary)? What kind of culture do you want to create around you? What kind of impact do you want to make in the world? What kinds of changes do you want to see in your industry? What is your vision for yourself, your team, your company? Do you know your values well enough to use them to make decisions? Do you have a personal mission?

All of these dimensions will help you begin to build a personal brand. All of these will provide you with a clear drive that people will recognize and be attracted to—because it is compelling to support others who are up to fun and interesting things. It’s great to be goal-oriented, but you want to aim for something more than just a title or salary band. As you aspire to leadership, ask yourself what will make you a leader others choose to follow.

3. Relationships: Connections on social media are rarely real relationships. Having a relationship with someone means that person knows who you are and will include you if they believe you have something useful to add to a project. You’ve heard the complaint about successful people, that “It is always who you know.” Well, it is true—maybe unfair, but true—because people can’t help you if they don’t know you. And they won’t know you unless you make sure they do.

The best way to increase the number of people you have relationships with is to create a Relationship Map:

• Identify the people you need to know—they might be senior to you, peers, or newbies. You never know what assistants might be able to help you if they feel inclined.
• Analyze each person. What are their goals? How might they benefit from knowing you?
• Make a plan to form a connection with each person. And I don’t mean on social media. If a person is very senior to you, maybe ask for a short meeting to interview them about their job—what they love about it, what skills it requires, what advice they have for you. People love to give advice!

If you find someone super interesting, ask them to mentor you. With others, try to find a common interest. This is where social media may come in handy. Talk about leadership books or baking. Get together for coffee or cocktails, or do something you both enjoy—hiking, taking your dogs to the dog park.

For more on this topic, you can find an articles on Relationship Mapping here and here.

You are well on your way, Future Influencer. The fact that you are reading books on leadership is already a great start. Warren Bennis wrote “Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It’s precisely that simple, and it’s also that difficult.” You might want to put his book On Becoming a Leader on your list.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am really worried that my company is going to replace my entire team of graphic artists with AI. What can I say to people who have spent decades to get really good at their craft only to see themselves replaced by technology?

I am literally losing sleep over this. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Losing Sleep

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Losing Sleep,

Boy, do I get it. I am old enough to remember seeing the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey in which the Heuristically Programmed Algorithmic computer (HAL) famously takes over the spaceship.  It made a huge impact on me.

Have you asked ChatGPT? I did, and the answer was pretty good! The first four suggestions were almost exactly what I might have proposed. What AI did not do is add the color commentary that I will.

1. Stay Informed – on this one, AI did not suggest, but I do, that you talk to your boss and listen to what is happening through the grapevine to gauge how realistic your concerns are. Are other jobs in the company being replaced by AI? Is there an overall intention and strategy to replace humans with AI? The more you know, the better you can prepare for what is coming.
2. Encourage Your People to Develop Their Skills – The people who can bring something to the table that AI cannot (yet) are the ones who will keep their jobs. With graphic design in particular, I would imagine that those individuals who can ask the right questions and hone in on exactly the feel that is desired will be irreplaceable. The ability to create fresh, new, and original work will be valued.
3. Foster Continuous Learning – Identify things that only humans can do and help people find ways to get better at them. Problem solving and devising new ways to express things will be in demand.
4. Cultivate a Practice of Flexibility and Adaptability – In our industry, we have often expressed the constant change people have to deal with as “the cheese has moved,” based on Spencer Johnson’s book Who Moved My Cheese. The pace of change has been a challenge for the last couple of decades, and it appears that it is only speeding up. Those who can find a way to build their resilience and roll with change will have a much higher quality of life. The question, of course, is how?

Neuroscience research shows that the brain is a predication machine and is much more comfortable with certainty. However, experience shows that nothing is ever certain, so we can predict all we want but we can’t ever be sure what is going to happen next. The best advice I ever heard on this topic came from Ben Zander, the co-author of The Art of Possibility.  Best known for being a charismatic and brilliant conductor, he is also a wonderful and very entertaining speaker. Ben suggested that instead of giving into our impulse to panic when the unexpected pops up, we should stop, take a breath, observe, and say to ourselves “how fascinating!” Essentially, he encourages us to be curious—to engage in whatever is happening with an attitude of inquiry.

So. Losing sleep is not going to help you now. Read up. Talk to people in your company. Listen to podcasts. Get informed. Get curious, stay curious, and encourage curiosity in your people. They are artists, so by definition they must be creative. You might lead with the question “What can we create in this new paradigm?”

I am going to try to follow this advice myself, believe me.  And I will admit the whole thing scares me too. I’ve spent the last twenty years getting better at writing only to find that nobody reads anymore. There are some who are concerned that my entire industry might be replaced by AI.

I really think the only way to deal with today’s world is to keep growing, learning, and changing ourselves. It isn’t comfortable for most of us, and it isn’t easy. As a leader, you can choose to be a role model for your people.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage an operations department for the headquarters of a large media company. I have six direct reports and about 70 workers who report to them.

One of my direct reports recently left, and I was absolutely shocked at the things he told HR in his exit interview. He worked for me for three years, and in that time I thought we got along just fine. I regularly asked him for feedback. Other than a few requests for clarification on some tasks, I didn’t get any. He did a good job and his people seemed to like working with him.

He told HR that I had created a hostile work environment and that I was the worst kind of toxic leader he had ever worked for. They asked for examples, and he didn’t have much to offer—so I am none the wiser as to how he came to his conclusion.

I have regular one on ones with all of my people. Everyone knows what their goals are and we have a very open and transparent culture on my team (or so I thought). We don’t have big goals in my department, just regular tasks and fulfilling requirements for the physical plant. It is all very straightforward.

I am absolutely mystified by this feedback, and extremely upset. I have asked my HR partner to help me understand and figure out what to do about it, and she is as mystified as I am. She said that I should just shrug it off as a disgruntled employee and leave it at that. Normally when HR gets complaints about those kinds of things they do a full investigation, but they are not going to do that on this one; maybe I should just let it go. What do you think?

What Am I Doing Wrong?

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear What Am I Doing Wrong,

Gosh, don’t you just hate getting such awful feedback, second hand, with no explanation? It is the worst kind of surprise. I feel very bad for you. And I appreciate your willingness to do some soul searching as a result.

If your HR team is not inclined to give the feedback any credence, I think that is a good indicator that you shouldn’t either. It is always true that feedback says more about the person giving it than the person it is directed at. And I think when you ask people for feedback and they don’t give it to you but they complain about you behind your back, they are unhappy. And they are responsible for creating their own yucky reality. Some people are simply not inclined to trust others, no matter how hard others try to be trustworthy. An article by Blanchard’s trust expert, Randy Conley, might be helpful for exploring that idea.

There seems to be a crisis of trust in organizations all around the globe. One recent study found that 86% of employees feel people at their workplace are not heard fairly or equally. It is always possible that your own blind spots, world view, and/or unconscious biases contributed to your employee’s experience.

I always ask clients to do one thing with feedback that is hard to hear or that they don’t expect: ask themselves “What if this were true?”

So. What if what your direct report said was true? The questions that present themselves might be:

• Is it possible others feel that way?
• How might I find out?
• What would keep anyone from giving me feedback directly?
• Is there anything I do that might make others feel unsafe?
• Is there anything I do that might make others not trust me to hear feedback without retaliating if I hear something I don’t like?
• Is it possible that I treat people differently depending on my biases? Might I have unconscious biases that I need to address?

For one of the most amazing tools that outlines all of the possible cognitive biases, click here.

You should absolutely speak with each of your remaining direct reports to see if anyone else feels the same way. You can certainly ask questions like:

• Is there anything I do or don’t do that ever makes you feel unsafe?
• Would you tell me if I did?
• Do you feel like I have your back?
• Is there anything you think would make me a more effective manager?

You can give people the option to not answer right away, but to take some time to think about it and get back to you. It can be hard for a direct report to be put on the spot. The most important thing when receiving feedback is to not argue. There are exactly three responses to use when getting feedback: (1) “Thank you for telling me that,” (2) “I understand,” and (3) “Tell me more.”

Another option is to ask your HR group to use some kind of multi-rater 360 degree feedback tool. There are many options; they should have something. The ones we use and love are the Tru-Score, for fundamental management practices, and the ECR, to assess Emotional Intelligence. The anonymous nature of these tools might provide individuals with a safe way to share their thoughts and allow for more candor.

As a leader, it is your duty to engage in some self-reflection and ask what part you may have played in creating the situation. It does inspire confidence that your HR group did not take the exit interview seriously, but if you have any inkling at all that there might be something for you to examine, you should honor it.

Do a little due diligence. Take a long hard look in the mirror. Ask some questions and listen carefully to the answers. You will know if there is work for you to do, or if you can let the whole thing go.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am fairly new to the workforce. I have a degree in accounting and got a great job right out of college, working in the finance department. I’ve been in this job for almost two years now. I like the company, the products we make, my manager, and my work.

My issue is that I feel there is so much more our company could be doing to appeal to people my age. Our CEO and our head of marketing are the age of my grandparents. I hate to be ageist, but we could be so much more successful if they were willing to expand their view of the market and to use social media. I don’t have a degree in marketing or even work in marketing, but I don’t need to be an expert to see the missed opportunities.

I hear a lot about generational differences, and I worry if I say something that I will be seen as a know-it-all or worse. Do you think I should say something?

Big Ideas

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Big Ideas,

I can’t really say. But I can propose some ways you can look at this that might help you think it through and come to a decision that feels right.

The first thing to consider is the company culture, values, and overarching strategy. Are there stated values? If so, is there anything about innovation or continual improvement? Does your CEO communicate about where he sees the company going and the goals that are going to help it get there? You might find some clues there as to how open senior leadership might be to new ideas. You can connect any ideas you want to share to the values and strategy of the organization.

Your next stop would be a conversation with your manager. Generally, people in finance aren’t thinking much about marketing, but your manager should be able to offer some guidance of who might be open to hearing your insights. There could be a young counterpart of yours in the marketing department who sees things the same way you do. It wouldn’t hurt to develop a relationship with someone like that.

Finally, you might think about framing your ideas in compelling terms, depending on who you are talking to. Anything you can do to get to know people and what is important to them will help. You can check out their social media to see what interests them, and then tailor your pitch to leverage that. Some people will be interested in market share, others in revenue, and still others in creativity and the reputation of the company.

Be ready to ask questions and listen carefully to the answers. If you ask “what ideas have you had?” you can weave others’ thinking into subsequent pitches so it doesn’t sound like you are only sharing your ideas.

The more you get people talking, the more they will end up thinking any ideas that get adopted were theirs. This would be a win! Start slow, with just a few people, and build from there.

I love big ideas! And, being a grandparent myself, I find that my world view is vastly enriched by engaging with the younger generations. But, of course, that’s me. Start by enlarging your network and developing relationships with as many people as you can. Find ways to connect your ideas to what interests them. Take your time and be respectful. You might just be able to spark some interest that becomes a fire. As long as you aren’t worried about controlling the outcomes, or being seen as the owner of whatever happens, you might be surprised at the impact you can make.

Having vision for what is possible is a leadership trait, Big Ideas, and figuring out how to influence people to see what you see is a critical leadership lesson. There are great things in store for you, my friend!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine, 

What advice can you provide about how one can develop more confidence as an aspiring leader? 

Aspiring 

_____________________________________________________________________ 

Dear Aspiring, 

This is such a great question. I have been thinking about it all week. The answer could be an entire book—and, in fact, there are countless books on the topic. But of all the good advice out there, what to cherry pick?

Probably the biggest thing to remember is that becoming a great leader is synonymous with becoming the best possible version of yourself. It will be a lifelong quest. There is no finish line, because the approaches and details will change as you grow. You will take on more responsibility and face new challenges that will test whatever certainty you think you have acquired.

Being a leader is mostly lonely, always difficult, and usually thankless. For all the people who appreciate your efforts, you will have double that number thinking they could do a better job than you. That is just the way it is. And it is a worthy pursuit. 

Here are some ideas for you: 

Learn from past experience. Ask yourself how you have built confidence the past when trying something new. You will notice a pattern of trying and failing, learning from mistakes, and trying again. For example, think about when you learned to drive. You started slow and small because mistakes when driving a car can be catastrophic. So, to start with, choose small challenges that won’t tank the whole enterprise if mistakes are made. The more you can develop a growth mindset, stay curious, and recognize that you are on a journey of discovery, the better off you will be.

Make a study of leadership models and theories. Build a library for yourself. It is amazing what you can find used online that won’t break the bank. You might start with Level 5 Leadership from Jim Collins’s book Good to Great—but there are plenty to choose from, including Transformational Leadership (Burns), Servant Leadership (Greenleaf), the Five Practices of Exemplary Leadership® (Kouzes and Posner), The Social Change Model of Leadership, the Relational Leadership Model (Komives, Lucas, and McMahon), the Connective Leadership Model (Lipman and Blumen), Conscious Leadership – my current passion – (Dethmer, Chapman & Klemp), and, of course, SLII® (Blanchard).

One of the finest resources that outlines leadership competencies and how to build them is a book titled FYI—For Your Improvement. It is based on the work of Eichinger and Lombardo that is now known as the Korn Ferry Leadership Architect. The newest version is expensive but you can find earlier versions at a much lower price. It is invaluable. It goes on and on; but with a little Googling, you can find them all and just dig in.

Sign up for any and all training your company offers. Take notes and commit to trying things that make sense to you. If and when you feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount there is to learn, keep this past article of mine, “Overwhelmed with Leadership Training Content?”, handy. 

Define what leadership means to you. What are your attitudes and beliefs about leadership? What do you think is most important for a leader to be and do? We call this process of articulating your leadership values and expectations your Leadership Point of View. Creating one is a big job, and I can assure you it will be a work in progress as long as you lead people. But now is a good time to start. Think about the best and worst leaders you have had and make a list of what they did that you might choose to replicate or avoid. To learn more about this, listen to an interview with leadership expert Pat Zigarmi. 

Build self-awareness. Because becoming a great leader means becoming the best version of your authentic self, you must understand yourself. Well. What are you naturally good at? What are your frailties? What can you get better at that won’t require a personality transplant? How will you need to practice self-regulation to protect yourself and others from your weaknesses? Become a feedback junkie—ask for and listen to feedback, all the while asking yourself What if this were true? Remember, also, that feedback always says as much or more about the person giving it than it does about you. Therefore, all feedback is useful, if only to help you understand how you are perceived and experienced by others. The more you are able to understand what people say about you, learn from it, and take what is useful and what isn’t without taking it personally, the more you will thrive. If you succumb to taking anything personally, your confidence will be impacted.

Have compassion for yourself. You will make mistakes. It is the only way to learn. Share what you are learning with your team, ask them to forgive you, and explain how you will strive to be better. Ken Blanchard always says “Leadership is something you do with people, not to people.” So the more you can partner with people to be a leader whom others choose to follow, the more effective you will be. 

I am often asked if I think leaders are born or made. And my answer is always “Both.” You have clearly heard the call to serve as a leader, which is always the first step. If you end up being a great leader, it won’t be because of luck. It will be because of lots of hard work, research, trial and error, and self-reflection. There is ultimately no one right way to do it. There is a lot of guidance, but you will have to craft your own way. 

Cheers to you as you embark on your leadership journey. It will be fraught with danger, filled with learning, and, ultimately, if you don’t let yourself be discouraged, extremely rewarding.

Love, Madeleine 

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a national mortgage company and recently took over a team from a leader who had led it for 37 years. Every single person on the team is more experienced in the business of the team than I am. And every one of them is very disengaged because their former leader clearly had checked out a long time before he left.

A lot of the processes—some of them possibly of no use whatsoever—are outdated and labor-intensive. When I ask why things are done the way are done, the answer is always a variation on “that’s just how we’ve always done it.” There are some time- and labor-intensive tasks where the owners aren’t clear why they are done or who cares about them.

All of my questions seem to be making people nervous. I am confused as to how this happened. The other parts of the company I have worked in are well run and up to date, and we were always asked to look for efficiencies. My manager has no explanation for me, and precious little guidance.

I am intensely frustrated with the condition of the team. It feels like everyone is lost in the land that time forgot. It needs a massive overhaul. I am pretty sure we don’t even need half the people on the team. I don’t want to scare anyone, but as the team leader, I can’t let things go on like this.

Any suggestions for how to approach this mess?

Need a Reboot

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Need a Reboot,

I understand your frustration and your confusion. It is uncommon these days to uncover parts of a business that have not been forced to slim down or to leverage technology to do more with less. For reasons you may never know, your predecessor was left to his own devices with little to no oversight. The people he left behind probably are either delighted to have a job they can coast through, completely burned out, or too bored and worn down to care.

I think you have a great opportunity here to rebuild your team from the ground up. At Blanchard, we define team leadership as an influence process focused on helping the team reach and sustain high performance. We define a team as two or more people working interdependently to achieve a common purpose with shared accountability for results. Let’s not call this group of people a “team” until they actually behave like one. You can find more detail on our thinking about teams here.

The thing that will trip you up is a deadly combination of too much, too soon, too fast. Slow and steady wins the race. It doesn’t sound like your manager is paying attention anyway, so why rush?

You might start by sharing your vision for the team with the team. This will be personal and sound something like, “Our team is an energetic and creative group that adds value to the organization by providing x, y and z.” You can share your plan to make some changes, but that you are committed to carefully planning each step so that all points of view are considered, nobody feels overwhelmed or left behind.

Next, outline some high-level goals—the first of which is to really understand all critical deliverables, who in the organization wants/needs them, and the purpose of each one. Once you have that figured out, you can brainstorm ways to go about delivering on them.

Then, get to know each individual on the team. Get detailed information about what they do, what they are good at, what they like to do, and how they see themselves contributing moving forward. You can assign specific tasks like research around software or updated ways to accomplish things to match skills and interests.

Create a first draft of a plan, get input from everyone on the team, tweak, and refine. Once you have a plan, you might think about creating a Team Charter.

A Team Charter is a co-created document that outlines:

• Your company’s vision
• Your company’s values
• Your company’s purpose: What does the organization do? For whom do they do it? Why do they do it?
• Team Purpose: What do we do? For whom do we do it? Why do we do it?
• Team Goals: What are the measurable outcomes the team is responsible for in order to achieve the team’s purpose?
• Team Roles: What are the key responsibility areas of each team member for achieving the team goals?
• Behavioral Norms: What are the behavioral expectations and team practices (strategies and processes) that the members agree the team should follow? What are the ground rules? These can include but are not limited to: communication, decision making, problem solving, and accountability.

Along the way, your group of employees will either be excited by the opportunity to make a tangible contribution to your company or they won’t. If you are vastly overstaffed for the work required of the team, this process will make it easy to identify the people you can probably get along without.

Stay focused on moving forward and let go of your distress about the past. Make a concerted effort not to criticize anyone or anything done in the past—the person responsible for it is gone, and it will just make people feel like you blame them. Let people know you have the backs of those who are all in on creating a future together. Put a road map together and move deliberately, step by step, toward your milestones. You will definitely have some bumps, but at least you will be acting as a team and creating a landscape that makes sense.

It will be an adventure, but it sounds like you are ready for one!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been offered a promotion and need to make a recommendation for the team member who will be promoted into my job.

I have one very likely candidate: my most promising employee. She is consistent with her deliverables and has led some projects for the team with great results. She gets along well with her peers and is well respected all around.

The interesting thing is that this person does not seem very ambitious. Whenever the topic of her career comes up, she claims to be “very happy” right where she is. I can’t tell if that is really the case, or if she just lacks confidence to aim higher.

I don’t want to apply too much pressure and end up demotivating her. What is the best way to approach this? I don’t want to be…

Too Pushy

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Too Pushy,

First, kudos to you for being sensitive enough to care about Very Happy (VH). The key here is get to the bottom of what her “very happy” means. It could mean “very happy for now” or “very happy for the foreseeable future/ you don’t have to worry about me wanting more and seeking an opportunity elsewhere,” or it might very well mean “very happy forever.”

It can be a mistake to assume anything, because your idea of what being ambitious looks like might not match someone else’s. VH may be the kind of person who doesn’t envision a possibility for herself until it is tangible. It might be that she is also worried about coming off as too pushy. You just won’t know until you investigate.

It is generally accepted that all managers need to develop a successor, so you might start by stating that as a fact and asking if she would like to be considered. You could also share that, in your opinion, she is the most likely candidate, but that you don’t want to pressure her. Let her know you are exploring and are open to the outcome.

There is a good chance that VH will ask exactly what the job would entail, so anything you can share about the job description and expectations around ramp-up time would be good to have at the ready. You may think she knows what the job is—but remember, she only sees what you do from where she is sitting.

It is possible, as you mentioned, that VH may not feel she is ready. If so, you will want to be prepared with observations about her strengths and how they would serve her in a more senior role. You might share the challenges you anticipate she would face, and how her experiences so far will have prepared her to rise to them.

If VH would continue to report to you, obviously you would be there to help her get settled in the role. If that is not the case, you might think about offering to mentor her through the transition.

It can be hard for people who have a strong drive to achieve and make no bones about it to understand those who are, by nature, more cautious and guarded with their aspirations. You already are receptive to how VH might play things close to the vest. Honor her nature and continue to be thoughtful, candid, and kind. You might just be able to draw her out enough so she will consider taking what, to her, might feel like a risk.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to a VP role in my company. It was a bit of a surprise as I thought my boss would never leave—but he did, quite suddenly. I have been in the role now for about five months.

My new boss keeps telling me I need to “get out of the weeds” and be more strategic. I have no idea what that means. I am still doing my old job while now also supervising the work of all my peers. I am at my wits’ end with the workload. The meetings alone are killing me.

My biggest issue is that I am most comfortable simply getting things done—making my list of tasks and systematically checking them off. I suspect that isn’t particularly strategic.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

How to Get Out of the Weeds

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear How to Get Out of the Weeds,

I can appreciate your overwhelm and confusion. The transition you are going through is one of the hardest, in my opinion, because everything you have done in the past that has made you successful is now getting in your way.

It is very common among people who are great at execution to be at sea with how abstract and unproductive “strategic” activity can feel. It is a shift in mindset that very few people recognize and even fewer are able explain or help with. It sounds like your boss might be one of those folks who expects you to just figure things out on your own.

I recommend a couple of do-nows—things you can do right now that will set you up for success in the near future.

• Identify someone in the organization that you respect and ask them to mentor you. Tell them you specifically need help to figure out how to be more strategic.
• Ask your boss what five things they need to see from you that will give them confidence that you can be more strategic and that you can do the job the way they want it done.
• Replace yourself: find someone who can do the job you were doing before. Either promote from within or request to hire from outside the organization. Nobody can be successful doing two full-time jobs.

Once you have done all of the above, or have them in process, you can turn your attention to what it means to be strategic.

This issue has come up so much with my coaching clients that I have developed a list of things a strategic leader does, gleaned from my experience and from reading books and articles. There are a million books on this topic and even more opinions, so remember this is just my take on it. Maybe use this list with your boss to see what they agree with and what they think might be missing or not quite right. That will at least get you two on the same page.

What does it mean to be a strategic leader?

See the big picture:

• Anticipate what is coming. Note and develop plans to navigate the unknown.
• Get the big ideas right.
• Stay aligned with reality while entertaining innovative ideas.
• Use big ideas to set direction while considering potential contingency plans.
• Craft the short-term and long-term objectives that will move people in the right direction.
• Communicate about objectives and direction clearly and repeatedly. Use storytelling and share inspiring wins widely.

Translate the abstract into the concrete:

• Help design tactics to achieve objectives, especially those that require cross-functional cooperation.
• Oversee implementation and execution of tactics—create dashboards of the most relevant data to create transparency, visibility, and accountability.
• Track analytics—interpret data to formulate meaning found in analysis.
• Refine big ideas, direction and objectives, and tactical approaches as activity surfaces new information.

See all, know all, intervene judiciously:

• Re-direct to maintain focus.
• Measure and evaluate performance.
• Track successes and breakdowns—help tackle hiccups in processes and systems.
• Support solving of complex entrenched problems.
• Make sure people feel noticed, seen, and heard.
• Keep your ear to the ground to get advance notice of potential problems and to surface time-wasters—policies that aren’t producing intended results. Anticipate.

Focus on the future:

• Create multiple paths for generating and testing ideas.
• Create an environment of learning and innovation.
• Develop opportunities for high potential performers.

Master political agility:

• Cultivate relationships incessantly.
• Challenge the status quo without provoking outrage.
• Be masterful at shuttle diplomacy—conducting negotiations, especially between parties at odds with each other, but also parties who can’t see how their goals can be aligned.

As you can see, a lot of these activities involve thinking or relationship building, which can feel like anything but work. And to be fair, it isn’t work as you have known it. But it is work—it is strategic work and someone needs to do it. You can expect this transition to take some time and a lot of getting used to. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself some grace. As long as your boss is getting what they need from you, you will be okay.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I read last week’s column with interest and it sparked a question for me.

I am hiring right now for a position that requires someone to simply keep their head down and get the job done. Our company isn’t growing very fast, so there won’t be much room for advancement.

I have a number of good applicants—some young people who clearly want to grow and some middle-aged folks who seem happy to get into a swim lane and stay in it.

My boss is advocating for me to focus on the younger, ambitious ones, but I think that is just setting people up for frustration. I think it makes more sense to hire someone who will not be disappointed with the lack of a career path.

What do you think?

Race Horse or Work Horse?

________________

Dear Race Horse or Work Horse?

This is such an interesting question! I suspect your instincts must be based on experience. I would ask what caused the last person in this job to leave. If it was because there was no room to grow, then you have your answer, don’t you?

The fact is that companies need workers who enjoy their work, are content leaving their work at work at the end of day, maybe go the extra mile on occasion (but not all the time), and aren’t gunning for their boss’s job. After all, there is only so much room at the top.

The last thing you want is someone who will be disappointed; you are right about that. I think you want to focus on finding someone who has the right skills, will be a good fit for your culture, and fully understands the nature of job and its lack of potential for growth. I think it has more to do with life goals, hopes, and dreams than age.

It sounds like you have a good grasp of the kind of person you are looking for. The age thing is a red herring that muddled the issue.

Trust your gut on this one.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently recommended a former colleague for a job in my company. Months have gone by since then, and our company has restructured. The job she applied for was recently offered to her, and she has accepted. When I made the recommendation, she would have been joining a different department so would have reported to someone else.  Since then, we have restructured and now she is going to report to me.

When I worked with her ten years ago, she was senior to me. She is at least fifteen years older and I was just getting started. She has remained at the same level. I know this because she was vocal about how she didn’t want to trade her family life for work advancement. I, on the other hand, have basically done that because I am super ambitious.

I recommended her because I know she is smart and competent, but it never crossed my mind that I would be her boss. God knows I need the help, so I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. But I am really worried and not sure how to handle the weirdness of this.

What would you recommend?

The Junior Is Now the Boss

__________________________________________________________________

Dear The Junior Is Now the Boss,

You’re right. Weird indeed. But not unheard of. You don’t have to apologize for your ambition or your success, so don’t do that. But you don’t have to lord it over anyone either. Just the fact that you are concerned about the potential awkwardness of the situation makes me suspect that you wouldn’t. You both made choices, and that’s okay.

I think the only way to approach the situation is to initiate a conversation about it. Be honest about how you feel and encourage her to be honest about how she feels. You should be ready to share your desire to help her be as successful as possible in her new job and invite her ideas about how you can do that.

Help her understand the culture of this company and specifically how it might be different from where she came from. Make sure she fully grasps her job responsibilities, how to prioritize, and when to escalate when she is unsure. She obviously brings a lot of solid experience—so you can assess together what skills you think might be transferable and what might be new to her.

If you aren’t familiar with our SLII® Model, which will help you partner with your former colleague and give her what she needs when she needs it, you can find a handy e-book here. This will make it easy for you to let her fly in the areas that make sense and offer the right mix of direction and support in areas where she may need to find her feet.

The last thing you want is an elephant in the room that you both tiptoe around. Get all the cards out on the table, show respect for her experience and skills, and you will be fine.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I struggle with interrupting people—and I hate doing it. I usually realize it after it is done.

What are some ways to help me overcome this habit and make personal improvements?

Interrupter

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Interrupter,

I applaud your self-awareness, which is always the first step to any kind of personal improvement. My first question is: how much of a problem it this for you? And how do you know?

You say you usually realize you have done it after the fact.  How?  Is it that you remember the look on someone’s face? Is it that you remember you cut someone off and now realize you want to know how they were going to finish their sentence? How often do you hear someone say “please let me finish my thought”?

Your first step, since you are already aware of the behavior, is to understand the impact it may be having on others.  If you can honestly say it doesn’t bother people, that is important data.  If you realize it might be hurting you or the projects you are working on because not everyone gets a hearing, that is another piece of data.  The clearer you are about the impact of the behavior and what it is costing you, the more you will be able to tap into the motivation to self-regulate.

The thing about interrupting—and almost any habit we want to curtail—is that it is triggered by something.  A few recognizable types of interrupting come to mind:

• Just excited: A common type of interrupting that springs from the excitement of a new idea.  This tends to be grounded in the best of intentions. Although annoying, it is forgivable. 
• Getting a word in edgewise: In many fast-paced environments, interrupting is the only way to get air time and everyone has to do it.  This tends to be a cultural feature and you are probably in good company. Survival tactics are forgivable—and, indeed, often required.
• In my own head: Another kind of interrupting is simple obliviousness to other people.  This tends to be less forgivable.  Taking notes is a good way to get out of your head and into the flow of conversation.
• Shutting people down: The kind of interrupting—when someone is saying something you think is simply stupid or irrelevant—is the least forgivable and will eventually affect your relationships and your success. The only way to shift this kind of interrupting is to examine your attitude about others and work to change it. This might uncover a bigger problem, such as you are on the wrong team or in the wrong job or you routinely judge perfectly competent people and find them wanting. Useful to know.

Can you find yourself in one of these?  The more you can understand what drives your behavior, the easier it will be to manage it.

The process that works for behavior change is to take the following steps:

1. Notice the behavior and the impact it has on others.
2. Decide that the behavior is making enough of a negative impact on your effectiveness with others that it is worth making the effort to change. Remember, it must be a choice.
3. Pay attention to what is happening when you engage in the behavior. Watch for the spark that sets you off.
4. Practice what you might do the next time a spark presents itself in a safe environment.  Specifically for interrupting, it might be as simple as putting your hand over your mouth.  If managing your energy is a problem, try doing something with your hands—knit, draw, needlepoint—anything that might help you to stay present. If you often interrupt because you get excited about an idea, always have a notebook on hand so you can make a note and not worry about forgetting your question or brilliant idea.
5. Share your quest to change your behavior with your colleagues.  This can only work with people you trust.  If you notice that you interrupt because that is the only way to get any airtime, you can ask the meeting leader to make sure all are heard. Sharing that you are working on your tendency to interrupt may also garner you some feedback about the impact you have.  You may find out that nobody minds—although that will probably not be the case.
6. Experiment. Be kind to yourself when you fail or when you try something that isn’t effective.  At least people will know you are trying.
7. Keep track of your progress and what you did when you were successful. Discard methods that don’t work and keep repeating what does work. 
8. Before long, you will notice you have made a change. Don’t let your guard down, though. Stay alert to what might cause a relapse.

I recommend you don’t try to change anything else about yourself while you are actively working on your tendency to interrupt.  Set your mind to making a shift and give yourself a good three months.  I’ll bet you will see a big difference.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have had a long and varied experience in law. I started as a public prosecutor in corporate law and rose quickly to reporting to the General Counsel.

My current boss isn’t going anywhere for a long time, and I feel ready to go for a GC position myself. I put feelers out at the beginning of January. I believed taking that step would put a lot of things in motion—ready or not—based on my past experience. And that is exactly what has happened.

I have some really interesting interviews coming up for GC roles that present considerable gaps for me (regarding technical knowledge, not leadership). I am thinking about how to be transparent about strengths and weaknesses (i.e., opportunities to develop) without arguing against myself. I like being in a little bit over my head and figuring it out, but this would be the deepest water yet.

Any framing/grounding thoughts you can share as I expose myself for what might be next?

Ready to Take the Leap

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Ready to Take the Leap,

I am not a headhunter or a career expert, but I do have some thoughts based on working with clients who are always wrestling with getting hiring right. I think there might be some value to the perspective. I hope others with different expertise will add useful ideas in the comments, as well.

• Make sure you are interested and engaged in the company and the industry, and well versed in the challenges they face, so at the very least it’s clear that you’ve done your homework. The last time our board interviewed people for the CFO position, I was a little taken aback by how many final candidates did not bother to achieve even baseline knowledge of our industry.
• Study the CEO and ascertain what matters most to them. What is the vision, what are the values (if any), and how would you align with those in the job?
• You can’t pinpoint all the technical gaps you may have, because you won’t know what you don’t know until you get in there and roll your sleeves up. But maybe you can speak to one or two of them and make it clear you intend to close the gaps, should it come up. I think preparation to address concerns is your best bet on that.
• Clarify your top strengths for yourself. Based on your varied background, it sounds like you are a fast learner and have always depended on being able to figure things out. What else are you naturally gifted at, or what other skills have your developed along the way? Are you fast on your feet when decisions need to be made? Super calm in a crisis? A creative problem solver? Be prepared to share brief examples of how your strengths have been useful to your CEO or your team in the past.
• If a comprehensive job description exists—and I find that even in mature, well-run organizations that is not always the case, especially for the C-Suite level—be ready to address each expectation with how you will rise to it.
• Also be ready to emphasize any transferable experience and skills and how exactly you see them transferring to a different industry or company.

Finally, be prepared with questions that illustrate your curiosity about the business, the industry, and the culture. There is such a thing as a stupid question in this environment, so be sure not to ask something you could easily find answers to in the annual report. You might ask questions like:

• What do you think of as your “secret sauce”—the thing that differentiates your organization from (name a competitor)?
• Of all your strategic initiatives (extra points if you can name them), which is most critical right now?

Companies have two choices when hiring at the C level: either find someone who has already worked at that level (who usually demands a much higher salary) or take a risk with someone who is stepping up. There are advantages to each choice. The advantage of going with someone stepping up is more drive, hunger to prove themselves, willingness to try new things, and humility. You won’t be set in your ways, you will work hard to learn and find the best way. I would say given the kind of complexity any company is dealing with these days, that would be an asset. The more you can demonstrate those qualities—with, of course, the appropriate gravitas—the better off you will be.

Finally, preparation is your friend. Practice with a friend, mentor, or partner and give them some classic behavioral interviewing questions so you can respond with well thought through, succinct answers. Here are some behavioral interviewing questions you can use to get started:

• Describe a situation in which there was a lot of disagreement and you needed to influence your leadership team to consider the option you were proposing more closely.
• Discuss how you have dealt with a tight deadline that required you and your team to go above and beyond the usual.
• What is the worst mistake you have made, and how did you deal with the consequences?

You can ask our friend Google for more examples. It will help you feel ready for anything. Good luck with your big leap. I have a feeling you will land in the right place.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have risen through the ranks of my organization very quickly. Last year I took on a lot of new responsibilities with almost no direction, did a good job, and got a raise and a promotion. My boss, the president of the company, has told me several times that he sees me as partner material.

One of my superpowers is figuring things out—but I fear I have reached my limit in one area.

I keep asking my boss for more clarity on what is expected of me to be able to reach partner. And he keeps saying I need to become “more comfortable with ambiguity.” It is maddening. If I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I would be doing it. But he won’t tell me.

Any ideas for me on how to break through this impasse?

Flying Blind

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Flying Blind,

You have just described the exact conundrum of making the leap from operational leadership to strategic leadership. When you reach the top ranks of any organization, the biggest shift is that there is no longer anyone to tell you what to do. What your boss is trying to express is that at the level you are playing, it is up to you to use your best judgment and make it up.

What most people don’t realize (until they are doing it) is that executive leadership is a wildly creative—and risky—business. When people are young, a little naïve, and lacking in experience, it can be incredibly exciting. When people have suffered the pain of making expensive mistakes, it can be terrifying.

Here is an article published recently: “The Ultimate Test: What I learned about leadership from Covid-19” that lays out exactly what I mean.

Managing ambiguity literally means figuring out how to get things done when things are not clear, nothing is certain, and there is no road map. It means looking at the whole picture and envisioning the path from where things are now to where you and the other senior leaders say you want to be.

Almost nothing you have been good at or thought you knew up till now is going to help you much, but it can be a good foundation. You will be required to let go of your addiction to checking tasks off your list and get comfortable with moving from incomplete task to incomplete task. For people who define themselves by their ability to get things done, this is a mind-bending transition. Get used to spending your time sharing your vision for the direction your people need to go and experimenting with approaches. Be prepared to adapt as new information comes in, and to pivot if necessary.

The metaphor that has been helpful to many is instead of checkers, you are now playing chess. Instead of moving all your pieces across the board quickly in a day or a week, you will now be lucky to make one or two moves in that time. Each move will require a lot of thought and consideration, frequent checking with others on the team, and possibly accepting a temporary fix until new information is revealed. It is dealing with constant change—and the job is never done.

One thing you can’t do on your own is decide on strategic imperatives. If your boss cannot articulate those, you can push for the leadership team to make decisions on what they are. Once you have those, and a sense of a budget, you will have to make up the rest.

Hopefully, you have organizational values to guide your decisions. If you don’t, you will have to decide on your own leadership values. That means you must know what is most important. That is a whole can of worms in itself and you can find more on that here. If your organization has not spent the time to articulate its values, you can advocate for putting some attention on that. Get some arguments for doing that here.

To be a partner means to be a co-owner with the other partners. Your boss is waiting for you to be brave. So be brave.

Make a plan for what you think needs to be done for you and your people to achieve, or even exceed, the strategic goals that have been set. Do you have the right people in the right seats? (Do they have the skills to do the job the way it needs to be done?) If not, how will you address that issue? Do you have all the resources you need? What hasn’t been thought about yet? What obstacles need to be cleared?

Let me be clear here: this is not a plan for how you will make partner. It is a plan for how you will lead your people to accomplish what needs to be done for the organization. It isn’t about you, it is about the success of your team and the organization.

Lay out the path for how you will do everything. Make a list of the unknowns and the obstacles you can see today. You will be worried that you’ve made mistakes, that you’ve missed something, and that it won’t be perfect—which will almost certainly be the case. That’s OK. No one and nothing is perfect right out of the gate.

Take your plan to your boss as your best guess of what you think you should be doing in the next 12 to 18 months and see what he says. Talk it through, get feedback, and share it with other leaders in the organization. If you think you are right about something that others disagree with, have the courage of your convictions and make your case. Or, if you think someone else’s point of view makes sense, let yourself be influenced. Then tweak the plan, share it with your team, and go.

You have passed the point of studying for the quiz and getting 100% and a gold star. You are now in unknown territory where you have to make your own map, and the test is about making decisions in the absence of enough information. Not only are there no gold stars on offer now, you will be surrounded by people who think they could do it better if they were in your shoes.

You say you have reached your limit for figuring things out? I say you are just getting started. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You are signing up for a bumpy but exciting ride!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is on holiday break this week and will return with new questions from readers beginning on January 7^th. While on break—and as we move into the new year, Madeleine suggested this advice she offered a reader looking for some help succeeding with New Year’s resolutions.  Use this link to see the original question and Madeleine’s complete response.

Join Madeleine next week for a new year of advice for well-intentioned managers! 

1. Pick one big thing. Probably the main reason people don’t achieve their goals—other than lack of deep personal commitment—is that they have set too many. So your angst that you may be loading up on goals is probably spot on. As you swing back to normal after a big holiday season, you are already behind, so you must manage your own expectations. Choose one big thing and let the rest go.
2. Get Support. Lots of it. Change is hard, no matter what it is—and if you’re trying to break an addiction like nicotine or sugar, it is doubly hard. The brain craves anything that causes a predictable release of dopamine, so you’ll need more support than you think you do. Tapering off can help, as can support groups, a buddy, keeping a journal, daily acknowledgment, or asking for help from your guardian angel or whatever you know to be your higher power.
3. Break it Down. You have one big goal. Break it down into small sub-goals or daily commitments. Ask yourself: What can I do, every day, to keep myself on track? Make a chart and check off something every day. (I’m sure there’s an app for this, but I’m committed to reducing my screen time, so I go with paper.)
4. Make it Compelling: Now let’s loop back to my first point, which is that you really have to care about doing the work to achieve your goal. You can’t do it for your spouse, your kids, your dad, or anyone else, no matter how much you care about them. So, choose something you really, really want. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t a big deal to anyone else, or if it isn’t going to make you a better person. If you really care, there is a chance you will succeed.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

2022 will be remembered as a year of continued change as workers adapt to a post-COVID, hybrid work environment. This was reflected in the questions Madeleine received from her readers. Here is a list of this year’s top five, most-viewed columns. Madeleine will be back on January 7^th with a new year of questions from well-meaning managers—possibly yours? 

Feel Like a Fraud?

A reader who started at an entry-level position, got an MBA, and rose steadily in her company shares being dogged by a feeling that she isn’t quite as good or quite as smart as others think she is.  Madeleine shares how imposter syndrome troubles many well-meaning leaders and how to address it. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feel-like-a-fraud-ask-madeleine

Serious “Resting Face” Issues?

Madeleine helps a friendly, but somewhat serious, manager who has been told she told she has a resting b*%*# face. Madeleine commiserates and shares some strategies. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/serious-resting-face-issues-ask-madeleine

Boss Is Always Criticizing You?

Madeleine offers practical tips for a reader dealing with a new boss who is constantly criticizing everything they do and seems to be trying to make them feel terrible in small and large ways. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/boss-is-always-criticizing-you-ask-madeleine

Not Sure about Blowing the Whistle?

A reader asks a COVID-related question that begs a bigger discussion of what to do when you face an ethical dilemma. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-about-blowing-the-whistle-ask-madeleine

Considering Working with a Coach?

Madeleine helps a reader sort through the pros and cons of working with a coach—including some key questions to ask. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/considering-working-with-a-coach-ask-madeleine

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@kenblanchard.com. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Best Wishes for the New Year!

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Dear Madeleine

I work at a large global company. I was recruited right out of college.

I was homeschooled, went to college early, and completed my undergrad and masters in four years. I only mention this to explain how I am a senior manager at 30. The only people who know my age are in HR. I keep it quiet.

It was incredible at first. Just telling people where I worked got that raised-eyebrow “I’m impressed” look. I was totally bought in and I took full advantage of all the training programs. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I have become a very good manager. I know this because the company regularly provides us with 360 feedback and it appears that my team thinks I can do no wrong.

So what is the problem, you might be wondering. Weirdly, I seem to be the only one who tries to practice what we learn in our leadership training. The higher I go in the company, the clearer it is that the leaders have zero interest in anything but stock price.

Leadership at the level I have reached is all about squeezing the most out of the lowest headcount. That’s how people are referred to: headcount. The level of burnout and mental health issues is staggering. The values are all for show, and the only thing that matters is profitability.

It took me a while to see it, but at this point I am thoroughly disillusioned. I tried to get a reality check during a conversation with my mentor of several years—a seasoned senior person in the company. He all but laughed in my face and told me to grow up. He was surprised at my idealism. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but it kind of crushed me.

I have devoted the last eight years of my life to this company. Most of the time I’ve felt the sacrifices were worth it. I don’t have any close friends who don’t work here. I have missed countless family events, to the point that my parents and sister have kind of accepted that they will never see me. I have nieces and nephews I have never met. I don’t feel like I can talk to my family because they will only tell me “I told you so.” I have never even had a serious romantic relationship.

I literally have no life other than this company—and in a very short stretch of time, I have realized that I have been hoodwinked into giving everything to the equivalent of the death star. I have stashed away quite a tidy nest egg, but a lot of money is tied up in stock options which won’t vest for several more years. I feel like an idiot.

What do I do?

Disillusioned

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Disillusioned,

I am sorry. Disappointment on this scale is terrible—just the neurochemistry of unmet expectations is debilitating. And you are also probably dealing with grief: the loss of a dream is, to use your word, crushing.

I don’t want to insult you, but there is some very good news here. You are thirty. There is a good chance you will live to be a hundred. You have decades, not to mention a nest egg, to reinvent your life. I personally made a complete pivot at your age, and my first professional chapter provided invaluable life experience for me to build on. Many of the people I’ve worked with who reached the top of the ladder only to find that it was leaning against the wrong wall were in their fifties, with big fat mortgages and private school tuitions they were on the hook for. You are young and you are free. It is hard to see that at the bottom of the pit of despair you have landed in, but it is true.

I can’t tell you what to do, but you are obviously super smart and you know that already. What I can do is propose some options for you to think about. Your first move might be to hire a good therapist or coach to help you through this crossroads, because finding your way out of this dark moment of the soul will be a journey.

It will serve you to do some deep thinking about what changed in you that caused you to now see things so differently. What is it about you that kept you from seeing it sooner? What is it that made you so enthusiastic about your job? What can you jettison and what can you keep as you move forward?

In the end you always have a choice.

• You can stay in the situation and suffer. You can’t unsee what you have seen, so staying in the situation will almost certainly lead to severe depression.
• You can try to change your situation. Is it too crazy to think you might be able to stay and change the system from the inside? Keep rising in the company and change the culture to be more aligned with the stated values? That sounds like a long shot, but certainly is a worthy goal. If you go that route, you will need to make a plan for how you might do it and then find ways to stay strong as you execute on the plan.
• You can leave the situation and seek to create a new one.  You could easily pull a full Jerry McGuire—and if you don’t know what I am talking about, watch the movie and you’ll see. Essentially, you will want to get some solid support to catalogue what you have learned from all of this and plot a course of action that makes sense. Make no sudden moves that you might regret.

The choice ahead of you deserves some real thought. You might want to take a long sabbatical—it sounds as if you haven’t stopped to take a breath and look around at the world outside of your bubble in a very long time or even, well, ever. Maybe go spend some time with your family. Go meet your nieces and nephews. Maybe travel a little bit, see the world—it is big and beautiful. Go meet some people and find some new friends who aren’t prisoners of the death star and don’t have Stockholm Syndrome. Take some time to ponder what your purpose is and what you might be able to accomplish with that big heart and extraordinary intellect. Now that you have seen what you don’t want, maybe it will be easier to see what you do want. Maybe you could take a leave of absence—take a break and then gut it out to the next vesting period. Or just walk away. With your experience, you know you will be able to get a job anywhere you want when you decide to go back to work.

With the right kind of help, you can consider all of these options and many more I haven’t thought of. I look forward to hearing what you decide to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently graduated from college and started my first job. The job I was offered was the one I wanted, but on my first day I was moved to a different department and given a job that does not come close to the description of the job I signed up for. The person who hired me is no longer my manager and my new manager has no idea who I am. I show up at team meetings and my manager calls me “Kid,” which I find demeaning. I am fairly sure he does it because he doesn’t know my name.

This all seems unfair to me. I don’t know anyone well enough to try to figure out what is going on. I recently reviewed my employment contract and there isn’t anything in it about what job I would be doing or whom I would report to, so I don’t think I have any recourse legally. I asked my parents, but they are so relieved I have a job, they just tell me to keep my head down and do what I am told.

It just doesn’t seem right to me, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Shunted Around

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Dear Shunted Around,

It probably isn’t fair, and it sounds pretty chaotic. I am sorry that your first job experience seems to have gotten off to such a rocky start. It must feel very disconcerting. I do have some ideas for you.

I agree with your parents, but not with their reason. The job market is hot right now and you would be able to get a different job if you wanted one. I just think it might serve you to give the situation a chance. Take a minute to step back and figure things out, get to know some people, and see if you will be able to make it work. Jumping ship at the very first sign of a challenge means you will never know what you might have missed. Stay and try to get a clear picture of the organization.

Seek to find answers to the following:

• What are the organization’s values? Do they have any, do they try to live by them, and can you align with them?
• Will you be able to use your strengths and find a career path where you are?
• Can you reach out to your new manager and make yourself known to him?
• Can you find people you like and can relate to?
• Are you interested in what the company does—its products and/or services?

Decide how much time you want to give yourself, and then, if you aren’t satisfied with the answers to the questions you have asked, you can start looking for a job.

The one thing I know for sure is that every organization out there is experiencing an unprecedented volume and speed of change. The one you are in is a perfect example of what I see happening everywhere. Political unrest, climate disasters, economic instability, and turbulent social transformation are all forcing leaders of companies to experiment rapidly to be as successful as possible. There is no blueprint available to help them—so if it feels like they are making stuff up as they go, that’s probably exactly what’s happening.

You are not the only one trying to just hang on for what may be a very bumpy ride.

It is entirely possible that your new manager can’t remember your name. He is no doubt just as discombobulated as you are. Our organization has many new people I am scrambling to keep straight, so I can relate. You can choose to take offense at being called “Kid,” or you can revel in the fact that you are so young that it makes sense for someone to call you that. The one thing you have on your side is time, which is a luxury you won’t appreciate until it’s gone. If your manager assumes your work ethic or your intelligence is lacking because of your age, that is a different story. In my experience, the term “Kid” is usually not ill intended. As you get to know your manager, you can respectfully ask that he not use it. But who knows—by then it might feel like a term of endearment.

Try not to fixate too much on fairness, although it is natural to do so. There is so much unfairness in the world and in large, complex systems. Save your ire for those moments when you are being asked to do unethical things or things you don’t know how to do with no training, or when you are seriously underpaid, or when your workload is unreasonable. The chaos and turbulence you are experiencing right now are unfair to everyone in the organization, so it isn’t personal. You aren’t being singled out.

Breathe. Take a step back. Stay open. Try not to worry so much. Just keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Decide on what criteria about the job matters most to you and whether this position can meet them. Experiment with influencing and steering your ship through stormy waters.

You ultimately may decide you do have to leave, but you will have learned so much.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have had uncanny success in my company. I am extremely competitive and incredibly focused, and I work really hard because I live in fear of disappointing my boss or my customers.

Now my boss wants to put me in charge of a whole region—to open an office with about 75 people reporting to me. I have never managed people before, and my boss is asking me to lead all of these people. I am paralyzed with terror. I don’t even know much about the job. I keep asking my boss for some direction and he seems to expect me to just do it.

What is leadership, really? I generally don’t take things on if I don’t see how I can win, but I either have to step up to this challenge or start looking for another job.

Help!

Paralyzed

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Paralyzed,

Generally, I think there are two kinds of people: people who work their way up to being leaders and people who unwittingly become leaders without thinking much of it. You, clearly, are neither. You are being thrown into the deep end with your eyes wide open. The good news is that you are smart enough to be scared, which is entirely appropriate.

Speaking from experience, I can attest that leading and managing people is thankless, impossible, exhausting, and the most worthwhile challenge there is. It is a little like being a parent in that there is no one who can tell you how to do it. You kind of have to figure it out as you go. Being great at it will depend on your leveraging your superpowers and your strengths and finding ways to manage your weaknesses and human frailties.

Your boss is making a commonplace assumption. He is assuming that because you are a rock star individual contributor, you will be a rock star manager and leader. That is almost never true—and is, frankly, why our company has a thriving business. Anything that isn’t going well in a company is because of leadership. That is one of the few things I know for sure.

Your biggest initial challenge, I suspect, will be shifting from being a star performer to creating, developing and supporting star performers. Until now, your work has been all about you: your drive to compete, ability to focus, and work ethic. You will have to withstand a fair amount of discomfort and practice as you shift to making your work all about others. Who am I kidding? It will be a lot of discomfort. Just getting your head wrapped around that shift will be monumental.

The most important thing you can do right now is, first, breathe and slow down. Then put on your beginner’s mind, adopt a growth mindset, and make a commitment to becoming a student of leadership. This will help you to be patient and kind with yourself and it will keep you engaged over the long haul. And it will be a long haul, my friend, because in rising to this challenge, you are signing up for a lifelong quest.

I looked on Amazon and there are 60,000 books available on leadership and 10,000 on management. My father-in-law, Ken Blanchard, coauthored 65 of them. So I can’t exactly recommend the #1 book you need, but here is what I can do: I can point you to some eBooks and book summaries to get you started.

•  A book summary of Ken’s newest: The Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust
• A book summary of Leading at a Higher Level; Blanchard on Leadership and Creating High Performing Organizations
• An Ebook: Taking a Situational Approach to Management
• A white paper: The Leadership-Profit Chain

Once you get into our resources site, you will find a treasure trove of simple—but not simplistic— guidance.

One of the most valuable insights in the Leadership-Profit Chain white paper is the distinction between strategic leadership and operational leadership. This is critical because it gives you a way to think about this massive topic in small bites, so it doesn’t feel like a tidal wave coming at you. It also helps (me, at least) break down the differences between leadership and management; terms most people use interchangeably. Some definitions that might be helpful:

• Strategic Leadership defines the imperatives for everyone in the organization. It is the what that provides the key relationships and metrics needed to ensure all units follow the same strategy. Strategies must then identify the criteria that are the key determinants of behavior. Examples of strategic leadership include vision, culture, and the declaration of strategic imperatives.
• Operational Leadership practices provide the how in the organization. They enable departments and employees to understand how they specifically contribute to organizational success. They are the procedures and policies that clarify how each unit will achieve the overall strategy.

So the act of simply breaking down the job at hand to the what and the how is a good place to start.

People can be both great leaders and poor managers—I’m sure you have seen this. You might even see this in your own boss, who has given you the what with no how. Managers can be very good at creating processes and systems and tracking accountability and compliance without being great leaders. In the end, I think your goal must be to be decent at both leading and managing, because that is what will win you hearts and minds.

Ultimately, leaders are people whom others choose to follow. They are people whom others look to for setting the direction, the stage, and the tone, and for keeping the train on the track and running on time. They have a compelling vision for what is possible that inspires people. They are role models for the behaviors they are looking for in their people—“do as I do,” which is much more motivating than “do as I say.” This is what’s meant by building culture.

Managers make sure their people understand what is expected of them and also have what they need to do a good job: role clarity, time, equipment, access, and opportunity to use their strengths.

When an individual is competent at both leadership and management, it vastly increases the chances their people will have a positive experience at work and will bring their best selves to the task at hand.

Great leaders and managers understand that their job is getting things done with and through others. Consultant Stan Slap, who is brilliant and notoriously irreverent, once said “Most visionary leaders have no patience for bringing people alongside them. If they could get where they need to go by themselves, they absolutely would, and send post card saying, ‘wish you were here.’” It is true. It takes an astonishing amount of care, patience, generosity, and repetition to bring people along with you.

My recommendation is that you do some research and create a scorecard for yourself of all the things you think you can do now, leaving some space to add things as you go along. For someone who is competitive and has a strong drive to win, a scorecard can be comforting.

You may decide you hate leadership. But you may find you were born for it. Either way, you’ll never know until you try, right? And the good news for someone competitive is that there is always room for growth and improvement; always something to work on. I guarantee you will never be bored.

I am excited for you, and wish you well.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a junior partner in a small investment firm. My job is huge—there is always more to do than time to do it.

Last year, the firm hired a junior analyst to work with me. I did my best, but things just didn’t work out. He worked very slowly, made lots of mistakes, and got super defensive every time I tried to give him feedback. Our HR person told me the fit was all wrong. They found another position for him in the company and I have been limping along without help.

I have finally found someone else but I am terrified of repeating what happened last time. The first guy told my boss that he was intimidated by me. I don’t know what do with that. To be fair, I am a type A personality, I’m good at figuring things out and getting things done, and I guess I expect other people to be like that, too.

I realize I don’t know the first thing about managing someone. I am so gun-shy now. Can you give me some ideas about where to start?

New Manager

_________________________________________________________

Dear New Manager,

Well, there are about a million books on this subject and even more people out there offering classes on the topic. However, you asked me, so I will take a crack at it.

First let me say that I spent thirty years working hard at being a decent manager, which is not natural for me. If I can do it, so can you. I was never great at it but I was never the cause of a hostile work environment lawsuit, so I am calling that a win.

I have had more people tell me they are intimidated by me than I can count. It took me years to stop trying so hard not to be intimidating, and it never really worked. The only thing to do if people tend to respond to you that way is to make clear from the outset that you care deeply about their success, you intend nothing but the best for them, and you will have their back no matter what.

Avoid BLMS

The first thing you need to know is no one else is like you. You might have things in common with direct reports, but the big difference is that you are a manager and they are not. If they were like you, they would be managing people. Scott Blanchard calls this “Be Like Me Syndrome” (BLMS) – when you fail at managing people because you expect them to be like you. They aren’t. But if you do a great job, they will find their own strengths and become more themselves as they get better at what they do.

Get Better at Hiring

The next thing to know—and I am sorry if this is too late for your new hire, but you can tuck it away for the future—is that most of the battle with getting it right with an employee is hiring the right one. It sounds simple, but of course it’s anything but. I have suffered from hiring disasters and I have also been  lucky. You want to look for a couple of very specific things:

• A strong locus of control. This means they take responsibility for themselves, their own experience, and their own destiny, and are not inclined to blame others for their own lack of success.
• A growth mindset.  This means they trust themselves to be able to learn, to grow, to recover from mistakes, and to move on with the confidence that they will be able to rise to whatever challenge they face.

Skills and experience are always desirable, of course, but those can be learned and gained over time. For more on hiring, here is a great article by Adam Robinson, CEO of Hireology. Ultimately, you don’t want to hire a turtle if you need them to climb a tree. If you need someone to climb a tree, hire a squirrel.

Start with Crystal Clear Direction

Once you do get started with a new direct report (DR for short) the most important thing you can do is give them crystal clear direction about what the job is, the exact tasks they are expected to perform, the best way to perform them, and the timeline associated with each task. As Ken Blanchard often says, you must paint the picture of what a good job looks like, catch people doing things right, and offer gentle re-direction when they don’t. Anything you can do to help clarify will be useful, including checklists, examples, detailed instructions, and common pitfalls to avoid.

Explain to your DR that your job is to help them be as successful as possible. You will start by helping them identify transferable skills they can build on while you offer feedback on what is working and what needs to be sharpened. Explain that it will feel like you are a (dreaded) micromanager until you see evidence that they are able to go it alone on any given task, at which point you will loosen up. You will have to find a happy medium between “good enough” and “the way I would have done it” so your DR can build their own confidence and find their own way. Reassure your DR that you will start with tight supervision and loosen up as their competence and confidence increases.

This is a very short version of our flagship training, SLII®. You can find more on that here.

I managed people (badly) for years before I found SLII® and it felt like someone turned the light on in a dark room. I had shied away from giving clear direction because I didn’t want to come off as bossy. (Note: I am, in fact, bossy—how else could I write this column?) This often left me disappointed in what I got from people. Using the SLII® approach will help you to avoid the two biggest mistakes you can make:

• Breathing down people’s necks when they are perfectly capable of doing a good enough job (i.e., indulging your own perfectionism).
• Leaving people to their own devices and then criticizing their work after the fact (i.e., using hope as a management strategy).

Share Your Expectations

You will also want to state your expectations for your DR very clearly and be ready to reiterate them. Most managers I work with think their implicit expectations are obvious to everyone, so when they aren’t met, it seems shoddy or willful. But today more than ever, the things you expect to be obvious to everyone simply are not. Your employees will be coming from homes, cultures, educational systems, and generations that are different from yours, and you will need to make your standards clear.

Examples of things most managers think are obvious are their beliefs that people should:

• be on time
• ask for help when they need it
• figure out the platforms and systems you use in your business
• book time with you to review high stakes work and get feedback
• proof their work before sending it to you or to anyone else outside of your department
• review their work to catch egregious errors
• use spell check and Grammarly if they weren’t English majors
• try to see the bigger picture of how their work fits into the results of the whole department
• escalate when they are overwhelmed and cannot complete all of their work
• come to you for clarification about priorities
• dress appropriately for the business they are in
• take breaks and take proper care of themselves
• tell you when something is wrong.

It sounds like a lot, because it is. But unless you tell people what matters most to you, they will waste their time “boss watching” trying to figure it out and they will get it wrong. You simply cannot expect people to read your mind.

Lead with Values

If your company doesn’t have a strong onboarding program, you will want to explain to your new DR what the business does, who it serves, and how it generates revenue and profit. You will want to share the company values if any exist—and if not, share your own leadership values. If you have no idea what your values are, now is a good time to get some insight so you can share them with others. Read 4 Questions to Help Clarify Your Core Values to get started. It might be a good idea to have your new hire to do the same, so you can start a strong two-way communication about preferences and workstyles.

Scott Blanchard often shares the advice his boss gave him when he started his first job as a supervisor: “Remember that everything you do or say will end up being dinner table conversation tonight.” The fact that you even care enough to do a little due diligence on this is a good sign. You might make some missteps, but if you own them, share your awareness of them, learn from them, and keep trying to do better (all examples of a strong locus of control and growth mindset, by the way) you will be okay.

Be kind. Be clear. Be consistent. Go forth and win hearts and minds.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team for a startup health and wellbeing subscription platform. I was super excited at the beginning—the founders seemed to have the right values and care about their employees. As time has passed, though, the competition has increased and none of the strategic targets have been met. With every all-company meeting, the strategy changes and we all feel like pinballs.

Many of our competitors are laying people off in droves. In the meantime, our company has brought in a lot of investors and heavy hitters from our competitors who bring their favorites with them, so there is a very weird dynamic of factions in the company now. We’ve got the old-timers, the Team X people, the Team Y people, etc. All the new groups seem to think they are special and are downright rude to the original folks. At a recent in-person team building retreat, no effort was made to integrate the old with the new. It was poorly planned and a colossal waste of time and money.

My original boss, who I loved and who was a great manager, recently left. It was not made clear why. My new boss came from a competitor. She can’t remember my name and is making it obvious that she wants to replace me with one of her pets. She keeps cancelling our one-on-ones but my team keeps hitting its numbers, so she can’t really fault me. Still, I can’t help feeling like my days are numbered.

None of the promises the company made at the beginning have been kept. A lot of the attraction at the beginning was having equity in the company, but now that it feels like the ship is going down, I can’t see that it will be worth much.

I am torn between the loyalty I felt at the beginning and the disillusionment with leadership I feel now. I would hate to walk away from the equity I was promised, but I just don’t know how much longer I can hang on.

Torn

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Torn,

Startups are notoriously messy and many fail. There are a lot of reasons for this, outlined nicely in this article. The competition in your space is particularly fierce as companies try to attract members and retain them. The overwhelming tone of your letter is disappointment. Disappointment is one of the most unpleasant emotions and can be very hard to face head on. But burying it by putting your head in the sand won’t save you.

I have a few thoughts for you, and you aren’t going to like any of them.

I think you need to honor your own intuition that the top leadership has lost its way. Where are the values that were discussed at the beginning? Are they in writing somewhere? Are they being used to onboard the new people? Are they being used to manage leadership performance? If not, they are an idea that was never executed and might as well never have existed.

I can’t tell if you have actual equity (a.k.a. a written contract) or if it was a verbal promise. If you don’t have anything in writing, I hate to say it, but you’ve got nothing. And even if it were in writing, if you really think the ship is going down, part of nothing is nothing.

Now this new manager situation. If it is okay with you to work for a manager who doesn’t seem to care one iota about you, it is your choice. But, again, you have a very strong intuition that it is only a matter of time before you are ousted. So unless you have a history of being suspicious of dubious behavior and being proved wrong, you are probably right.

I am a big fan of loyalty but it sounds like the vision that captured your heart is gone and the people that built that loyalty have already left. So what and who exactly are you loyal to now? I also love optimism. As someone who has led several startups myself, I can tell you that optimism is critical until it blocks out reality, at which point it becomes toxic.

It really sounds like you know what you need to do but don’t want to admit it to yourself. No one would blame you for feeling torn—you have all of those initial relationships and you worked hard through the first couple of startup phases. No one wants to walk away from what felt like an investment.

Ask yourself “If one of my best friends outlined this situation and asked for my advice, what would I say?” And there, my disappointed friend, will be your answer.

There is a lot of opportunity out there. I highly recommend you go find some leaders worthy of your loyalty, your work ethic, and your hard-won experience.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a problem with lying. Yes. I am a liar.

But I’m not a compulsive liar by any means. What I mean is for a long while I’ve been thinking about little lies that most everyone I know so easily uses—and it bugs me a lot. I’ve analyzed how these “little white lies” suck energy out of the people who use them, meaning the actual liars.

Now I’ve developed a kind of comfort in telling little white lies. Then sometimes, a little bigger lie slips in out of fear of hurting a coworker or family member, or losing a client (new fees or increase in prices).

It is bothering me. What do you think? Should I just roll with it, or is it a problem?

Liar Liar

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Liar Liar,

First, can I say how much I appreciate your self-awareness and being willing to tell yourself the truth. That might be half the battle. I think a lot of people who lie are lying to themselves first.

It really is not for me to say. I am not the judge or jury, or in the position to take some kind of moral stance. I do want to point out the language you use: “I have a problem with lying,” and “it is bothering me.” Language is revealing. If you think you have a problem, you have a problem. If it is bugging you, it is bugging you.

Lying just becomes a habit for some people. The original reflex is rooted in the mistaken thought that lying makes life easier, smooths the way, keeps the peace. And that might be true, short term. There are some white lies that just grease the wheels of life. But if you lie once to your Aunt Mildred about loving her meatloaf, you can count on seeing that meatloaf for the rest of Aunt Mildred’s life. If I were your Aunt Mildred, I would much prefer to serve you something that actually gives you pleasure.

So in terms of your white lies, you need to think of the long-term consequences and how important it is that the people you care about trust that what you say is true.

Trust is the bigger issue. I had a dear lifelong friend who I realized early on was a compulsive liar. I just knew to never believe a word he said. So I loved him, but I didn’t trust him. I never depended on him for anything. In some ways, I could see how it served him: he designed his life so that he never had to think about anyone but himself. I get that. It is one way to go. But if your own lies are bugging you, it is probably not the right way for you.

You have to decide for yourself if it is important, in terms of your self-concept, that family, friends, and business partners really trust you. Do you want to be a WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) person? It could mean a short-term hit, but may be better in the long run.

When my kids were little, I learned about the concept of under promise/ overdeliver in my coaching program. Essentially, it leads to situations in which you will never disappointment someone. My kids would wheedle me to promise stuff, and I would always say “Look, I can’t make that promise. I’ll do my best to ensure it will actually happen, but a lot of details are out of my hands. When I do make a promise, you can be sure I’ll keep it unless I am in the ER or dead.” I think it gave them a sense of security because they knew with certainty what they could and could not expect.

The other to thing to think about is your memory. I always thought I would never be a good spy because my memory is so weirdly selective and I am much more likely to remember the truth and lose track of my lies. So I just decided at a certain point in my life not to lie, because it was the only way I could be 100% certain that I would never be caught out and embarrassed.

There are ways to tell the truth that will minimize hurt feelings. You don’t have to say “I hate meatloaf,” you can just say, “I prefer your lemon chicken.” My husband is a genius—he figured out early on never to answer the “do I look fat in these pants” question. Some questions just have no winning answer. He came up with “those pants aren’t doing you any favors.”

In terms of clients, and pricing, you might want to think about always telling the truth but making special deals for long-term customers. Something along the lines of “We are raising the rates for all new customers but will be offering you your same rate for the next six months because you are such a great customer.”

From a coaching point of view, it is ultimately about choice and cost. Who do you choose to be? What do you want to be responsible for remembering? Do you want to go short-term easy or long-term trusted relationship? What does it cost you to lie? What would it cost you to tell the truth? Is the cost worth the payoff? Right now it seems like the cost may not be worth it to you because it is taking some kind of toll.

In the end, I am a fan of decisions that will decrease the noise in my head even if they inconvenience someone else. Take all of this into consideration and make some decisions.

I think you already know what you want to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at the end of my rope with all of the new software platforms my company expects me to use as part of my job. Every time I turn around, there is a new app introduced but never any training. Or, if the app itself does provide training, it takes time to watch the videos and learn—which means doing it on weekends or at night because I still have my job which takes up all of my workday.

The other problem is that some people I work with never bother to learn the new systems and continue to use the old processes. So instead of being proficient with the same amount of platforms, the number just keeps growing. My organization recently rolled out a new platform for one process only to realize it didn’t do everything they needed it to do, so they scrapped it and brought in another one. Those of us who took the time to sign up, get the lay of land, and start using it were literally punished for being good organizational citizens.

I feel like my brain is going to explode. I imagine this is true everywhere. How are people putting up with this in other organizations? I should note that I am a Millennial, so this isn’t a technophobe Boomer talking.

I can’t imagine you have any wisdom here except for “suck it up buttercup,” but at least I got to vent.

Can you help me to…

Manage the Madness?

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Manage the Madness,

Considering I am suffering from the same systems whiplash, and I am a “technophobe Boomer,” you are right: I don’t have much for you on this. (Just for the record, I prefer the term digital immigrant to technophobe Boomer as a label. But don’t worry, I am smiling as I mention that.)

You are right, I haven’t talked to a single person who isn’t bedeviled by the overwhelming number of new systems and technologies to master. And, at least in my case, every one of them requires email and cell phone authentication and my company’s firewall makes that an adventure in total frustration.

I brought your topic to a couple of folks to get some ideas for you—although, again, you are right, there are precious few. But here is what I have for you:

• Maybe stop being such a good organizational citizen, and let others be early adopters when possible. Why can’t you be one of the people who stick with the old system until the company gets rid of it? If your experience is one of being punished, maybe take better care of yourself and lag with the rest of the laggers.
• Escalate your frustration to your boss or the executive team. If you are lucky, your organization has a CTO or a VP of Technology who might listen if enough people beg for some relief. Or maybe your organization will provide some kind of recognition for early adopters and possibly some training during the workday so that keeping up is seen as part of the job and not extracurricular.
• Lobby the powers that be to work with vendors of new platforms to go the extra mile and build in a single sign-on so all of the platforms are more easily accessible. (You didn’t mention this as one of your issues, but it sure is one of mine!)
• If you continue to be an early adopter, provide early feedback on the system to whoever is requiring you to use it. That way you might at least get recognized for your efforts.
• I have no problem with your venting, but consider venting to someone who can do something about it—like a senior executive who can insist that everyone get on board with new systems at the same time so you don’t have to wrestle with the old and the new.

Finally, much to my chagrin, I am pretty sure this type of thing is here to stay and is just another new fact of life. As I write this, there are developers madly coding new (“improved” haha!) platforms for us to have to learn. The only silver lining I can see—and, believe me, I remind myself of it often—is that all of this constant learning is good for our brains. As a millennial, that isn’t something you are concerned about yet. But if you are lucky, you will be soon enough.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I get no feedback.

I like my job, my boss, the team I work with, and my company. At every annual review I write my own review first and my manager adds her two cents, always pointing out ways I contribute that I hadn’t thought about or had forgotten. So I do get feedback, and it is always positive, which is nice.

I realize this sounds crazy, but I want more constructive feedback so I can grow and get better. I guess I want to be more challenged.

How can I go about getting more feedback without seeming dissatisfied?

Wanting More

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Wanting More,

You don’t sound crazy. You sound lucky. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate your position, because it is a rare one: Your boss obviously thinks you are great and is totally happy with the job you are doing.

And—I get it. It sounds like you might be a little bored.

I think your first stop is your boss. Tell her you are looking for a challenge and you either want to get better at the job you are doing or maybe take on something new. You can be crystal clear that you aren’t unhappy or dissatisfied, just wanting to shake things up a little. The ideal time for this is at your annual review; but if that seems too far away, you can ask for a meeting. I am surprised your manager hasn’t checked in with you about your dreams, your job satisfaction, your career aspirations.

Another thought is to ask your colleagues, teammates, and internal and (if applicable) external customers for feedback to see if there is anything you could do that would make working with you easier. You could simply ask:

• Is there anything you wish I would start or stop doing?
• Is there anything you wish I did more or less of?
• Is there anything you think I should know that could make me more effective or help me add more value?

You never know what you might find out.

I guess it is always possible that there is something you do that stops people from offering suggestions or developmental feedback. Is it possible that in the past you have become defensive? Only you can know the answer to that, and it will serve you to admit the truth to yourself. If you think this might be the case, make sure you go into asking for feedback with an open mind. It takes some grace to accept feedback that might be a surprise or feel personal.

Prepare to respond to anything you hear with one of three options:

• Thank you.
• I understand.
• Tell me more.

This will ensure that people who have the courage to tell you something they think you need to hear will feel heard and won’t feel punished for going out on a limb.

There is also a big difference between seeking/hearing feedback and making a decision to actually do something with it. One way of rewarding people for giving you feedback is to loop back with them and let them know what you are doing with their advice. If you choose not to do anything, you can just tuck it away for future reference.

Remember also that feedback always says more about the person giving it than the person getting it. So write everything down. Give yourself some space and time to absorb, process, and decide what is going to make a difference to your success and what isn’t. Resolve to take nothing personally.

You might be opening a can of worms here, so you will want to be prepared for that. Or maybe you are like Mary Poppins—“practically perfect in every way”—wouldn’t that be grand? If that is the case, your next step will be to figure out if you are, in fact, bored and what goals you might set next to create your next challenge.

Thanks for asking such a surprising question.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I report to a CHRO in a large global manufacturing company where I’ve worked for 15 years. About two years ago our company was sold to a group of investors, and they installed a new CEO.

At first the CEO said all the right things about how important the people are—but over time it has become clear that his mandate is to squeeze as much short-term profit out of the company as he can.

He has demanded the kind of cutbacks, especially in HR, that make it impossible for us to do our jobs without working absolutely all the time. He keeps telling us to do more with less, leverage technology, blah blah—the usual. We went from having beautifully designed and delivered onboarding, management training, and leadership development programs to essentially doing the bare minimum for compliance, compensation, and benefits.

It is so demoralizing. Most of the work I am now doing are things I am not well trained for and don’t care about. Our department has made countless presentations explaining the need to bring back development with well researched return on investment. He basically laughs at us and openly insults our work.

My dream was to retire from this job. I am 56 years old and never anticipated I would be looking for a new job at this point in my career. I have watched our CHRO get beaten down to the point where she is just going along to get along. I just keep thinking reason will win the day, and that I have to keep fighting. What else can I do? How do I know when it is time for …

Giving Up?

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Giving Up,

It can be so hard to let go of a dream and face the truth. It sounds like your heart and soul were in the job—so, essentially, you were hooked in a good way. But now you are hooked in a bad way.

You have let the hooks get yanked on long enough. It is time to take those hooks out and walk away. I don’t think anyone would accuse you of folding at the first sign of sign of opposition. And it really wouldn’t be giving up—there is a fine line between falling apart when things get tough and facing reality.

All terrible situations—ones in which you find yourself tolerating the intolerable—come down to three choices:

1. Do nothing.
2. Do something.
3. Leave the situation.

Let’s break this down.

1. You can, as your CHRO has done, do nothing—or as little as possible, anyway. Stay where you are and do what is required as well as you can in a reasonable work week and don’t try to do everything. Wait it out until you are fired for not doing three jobs or until it is time to retire, whichever comes first. This is what is commonly referred to as “quit and stay” and people do it all the time. For me it would be a recipe for a drinking problem, but it clearly works for some.
2. You could keep fighting until your CEO is so annoyed with you that you get fired. You could also escalate your observations about the long-term cost of the lack of training and development to the organization. Of course, the board or the owners may be well aware of what is going on and may have plans to use the profit record of the last few years to re-sell the company at a much higher valuation. You will have to feel that one out.
3. Save yourself, save your sanity, save your health, and get out as fast as you can. My vote is for this one. There is so much movement out there right now, so much re-shuffling, so much hiring. Get your resume shined up, get out on your social media platforms, and work your network. Go find yourself a grand new challenge to be the capstone of what has been a great career (until recently).

I am truly, deeply sorry that this has happened to your company and to you. No one asks for these kinds of professional hijacks, government takeovers, or pandemics and wars for that matter. But they happen and all you can control is how you respond. There will be no medals for dying on this hill.

The choice is yours. I am rooting for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I want to be a rock star at my job. I have always been driven and ambitious—but now, a few years into a professional job after college and grad school, I find myself a bit at sea. I work in a big company and I love what I do.

Here’s the problem. My boss checks “meets expectations” on all counts at my regular performance reviews. I want to get “exceeds expectations” on all counts, but I can’t get to the bottom of what that means. I see myself as getting to VP level quickly and having a shot at C-Level, but unless I can understand what that actually takes, I can’t make a plan.

Thoughts?

Want to Be a Rock Star

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Want to Be a Rock Star,

What a great question this is. I have often wondered the same thing, mainly because it seems like a mystery to everyone.

Ultimately, the only person whose opinion you really need on this topic is your boss’s. So first, I suggest you interview your boss and find out what “exceeds expectations” means to them. You don’t want to go out and do a bunch of extra stuff that’s not the right stuff or that causes static in their world.

I do think the reason this is such a mystery is because most bosses don’t know what their expectations actually are, let alone what it might mean for someone to exceed them. So don’t be surprised if asking your boss doesn’t shed much light—they may not know what “exceeds expectations” looks like until they see it.

Some questions to ask your boss might be:

• Have you ever had a direct report who consistently exceeded expectations? If yes, what did they do that made them stand out?
• Is there any way I don’t live up to your expectations? Have I ever failed to live up to expectations in the past and wasn’t told?
• What exactly would it take for me to exceed expectations in these different areas?

I spent a week asking all of the senior executives I know what it means to them when a team member exceeds expectations. Here is a synthesis of what I heard:

Generally, an employee who exceeds expectations:

• Shows up to 1×1’s prepared to discuss all tasks and goals with clear requests for direction, re-direction, ideas, requests for resources. They show respect for their manager’s time by having thought in advance about what they want or need.
• Thinks things through—when they run into an obstacle, they troubleshoot and come up with ideas for possible solutions rather than just presenting the manager with a problem to solve.
• Never complains, never makes excuses—if something isn’t working or they can’t complete a task, they surface the situation matter-of-factly and share ideas about what they might need to get back on track.
• Does what they say they are going to do without being reminded.
• Meets deadlines and doesn’t procrastinate. When a big, high-stakes project is approaching deadline, they get their work done as far as they can and present it to the manager and others for input and feedback with plenty of time to iterate and make changes so the final product is next level.
• Submits work that has been proofed. They take the time to review their work for errors or inconsistencies. This doesn’t mean they never make mistakes, it means any errors they make are from lack of experience or knowledge, not from turning in sloppy work that was rushed through.
• Pays attention to what is going on around them and connects the dots in the event it isn’t obvious.
• Goes out of their way to support coworkers, spends time helping new people, volunteers for tasks that aren’t necessarily part of their job but that make a contribution to the team. For example, one person shared: “when our organization rolled out a new software system we all hated, one of my people spent time over the weekend watching tutorials on YouTube and then shared a bunch of tips, tricks, and shortcuts with the whole team at our next staff meeting. That was above and beyond. Everyone else, including me, just whined about how unintuitive the platform was. She made all of us pull up our socks and get on with it.”
• Figures out where to go to get things done. They take the time to look at the organization around them, what people’s job roles are, and what matters to them. They go out of their way to create relationships with all types of people and make the effort to understand what they do. If they don’t know how to do something, they tap their network until they find someone who does.
• This seems obvious, but they are always on time, always ready to work, always on camera, bright and shiny. It isn’t that they don’t have bad days. Everyone does. They just don’t let a bad day get in the way of getting the job done.

One person put it succinctly: “They have high attention to detail, and they get things done on time without fuss.” Anything you can do that will make your boss’s job easier is always a good idea—taking on extra projects, going the extra mile, submitting excellent work that doesn’t need extensive revisions.

Finally, keep careful track of what you do. There is always a good chance your boss will forget the times you went above and beyond. When the time comes, submit an accurate, detailed record of everything so your boss will have no choice but to give you the highest possible rating. Anytime a direct report does this, I am always a little astonished at everything they have done; especially when they are the kind of person who makes it look easy.

These ideas should get you on your way. In terms of your ambition to get to the very top, I will tell you that becoming an expert at anything you do will help. Be disciplined about never complaining or gossiping about people. Also, creating and nurturing a wide and deep network of diverse relationships will always help, never hurt.

Rock on, my dear. I have a feeling you will get where you want to go!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Can someone be a great leader and not be self-aware?

I believe all great leaders are self-aware. If you don’t know how your behaviors affect others, it’s difficult to lead successfully. Furthermore, leaders who aren’t self-aware can cause significant damage. The news is filled with reports about highly visible executives (I hesitate to call them leaders) who lack self-awareness and the damage they cause to their people and their companies. Their stories have unhappy endings.

The Two Parts of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is foundational to inspiring leadership. It has two parts. The first part is being able to observe your own feelings and thoughts and their relationship. It’s challenging to do and requires observation and patience. The second part is being aware of how you affect others and how they perceive you. Observing your thoughts is an internal knowing. Being aware of your impact on others is an external knowing.

If you want to be an inspiring leader, you must have some degree of mastery over both parts of self-awareness. You need to know what’s important to you, why it’s important, what triggers you, and what your values are. When you have answers for these elements, you will be able to intentionally influence people—a key requirement of leadership.

Internal Knowing

• Gain internal knowing by expanding your feelings vocabulary. To gain a better understanding of your internal self-awareness, a best practice is to develop an extensive feelings vocabulary—descriptive words for emotions that help you accurately identify what you are feeling and why. It helps you move aware from vague explanations of “I am upset” to “I am disappointed and discouraged.” If you have difficulty describing what you are feeling, you may have a limited understanding of your emotions and difficulty taking appropriate action as a result. For some leaders who are less in touch with their emotions, this will require a lot of intentional practice.

Being able to identify an emotion is powerful. When you can describe it, you can name it, tame it (by understanding what actions might help minimize or address the feeling), and ideally reframe it—because it now feels manageable.

One way we help our coaching clients is to provide a vocabulary sheet for them to refer to a set number of times throughout the day to identify what they’re feeling in the moment. There’s a big difference, for example, between frustrated and disappointed, between stressed and panicking, and between content and proud. The vocabulary sheet helps the person become more self-aware and teaches them how to accurately describe their emotions and take appropriate action.

• Gain internal knowing through rightsizing emotions. Rightsizing emotions is another one of my favorite strategies. It’s best described through an example most can relate to: Someone cuts you off in traffic and you become enraged. You ask yourself if the intensity of your emotion is appropriate to what just happened and if your emotion is helpful. In this situation, your emotion is doing nothing but giving you high blood pressure. It’s not changing anything in the world. The best thing to do is to rightsize your rage—decrease it to a mild frustration—and let the anger go because it’s not serving you.

When you feel an intense emotion, first think, “Why does this feel so intense for me?” Then, “Is this intensity going to create a helpful outcome?” If the answer is yes, think about the outcome you want. If the answer is no, think about a more appropriate emotion or one that would be more helpful in helping you achieve your desired outcome.

Variations of this scenario happen at work all the time. Someone hurts you and you feel righteous anger for a while—maybe days or even weeks. Once you learn to look at the intensity of your emotion and determine the outcome you want, you can move past the emotion. The next step would be to either move on or address the issue—ideally, with the person who caused the hurt.

External Knowing

• Gain external knowing through a 360 assessment. One of the best ways to become more self-aware is to learn what people truly think about you. Most leaders don’t take the time to get feedback. They assume they know what would be said—and it’s surprising how often they are off track.

A multi-rater 360 is a fantastic way to improve self-awareness. It allows people to provide anonymous feedback, which increases accuracy. The feedback is gathered in a consistent manner and grouped together so it is nearly impossible for you, the leader, to identify who gave what rating. The pooling of perceptions can also help you be more detached from the results, allowing you to have a clear picture of how you are perceived and what you might want to do about it.

• Gain external knowing through interviews. Have an objective third party act as a surrogate multi-rater. You might choose an executive coach who does not work in your organization. They interview your key stakeholders and keep all answers confidential. Then they summarize the answers to protect anonymity and share with you what they find.

Don’t assume you know what they’re going to discover. Even though the information people share through this confidential approach is often very surprising, leaders usually appreciate being informed than being kept in the dark.

The Unexpected Rewards of Becoming More Self-Aware

The rewards of becoming more self-aware are significant. When you are aware of your feelings, you can rightsize them. You can pivot easily. You can work better with difficult people. When you know the affect you have on others and how they perceive you, you can entertain different perspectives of a situation. You can be an inspiring leader. You are in a place of choice.

Being self-aware brings tremendous freedom. And that makes you a better human and a better leader.

Dear Madeleine,

I need your professional advice on career goals or growth.

I worked in the construction industry for 25 years, starting out as an electrician and moving up to a field manager. I essentially went from pulling wiring through conduit to managing the entire field operation on very large, multi-million-dollar commercial and industrial projects. During this time I also was in the US Army National Guard and was called to active duty in 2002. I was wounded in combat and spent the next three years in and out of hospitals and physical therapy.

When I went back to work, I had a hard time with the physical aspects of my job. I decided to use my VA benefits and found a new job with the federal government as an engineering technician. I was technically still in the field, but now I was just making sure others did what they were contracted to do. It was easier work, fewer hours, and a much more secure future. I have done government work now in various roles for 15 years and have moved up the GS ladder in pay and responsibility.

The government is always pushing for individual and leadership development—“grow up, not down” kind of stuff. To be honest, I’m happy where I am. I don’t want more responsibility and I don’t really want to be a supervisor any longer. When I have said this to my current boss and to some past bosses, they have all asked me why I don’t just go back to the private sector if I feel that way. I don’t understand this, because the growth and development situation was essentially the same in the private sector.

Here’s my question: am I wrong? Should I grow even though I’ll be miserable? I know I won’t be the best I can be. I’m a very good leader but not a good manager. I can inspire others and motivate them to be part of the team, to be themselves, and to contribute all they can in their way. I have an open, creative, teaching mind but I hate the daily grind of supervising people, the miasma of mundane paperwork and budgets, and the sand in my eyes at the end of a long day of computer work.

I have 10 years left before retiring to just work when I want to work, so should I give the government 10 good years doing what I want or should I give them 10 years doing what they want? I’m at the most common rank in the management levels of government service. I have been more senior and could easily keep going on up, but I’d rather just take it easy and slack off on growing and doing.

I know it sounds like I don’t care, but that isn’t it. I just really like the way the job is at this level. Am I wrong in wanting this?

Done Pushing

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Done Pushing,

No. Just No.

Thoughts and feelings are what they are and simply can’t be wrong. The only thing you can do that’s wrong is take an action you may regret without having carefully consulted your thoughts and feelings.

I tried to shorten your letter but I wanted our readers to get the whole picture. It seems to me that you have done more than your duty to your government by anyone’s standards. You’ve earned the right to create your life exactly the way you want it to be. And just who, I ask, is the arbiter of what anyone has earned or deserves? It also sounds like you do your job well and are satisfied with the compensation, so it is a fair exchange.

Long ago I worked with an opera singer who was immensely gifted and had put in long hours to develop her natural talent. She was on the brink of stardom when she realized that the life and career of an opera star wasn’t what she wanted. She was extremely religious and tortured herself with the thought that because God gave her the gift of an extraordinary voice, she was obligated to use it. At the time, I was specializing in working with creative geniuses, many with the overwhelming problem of having been born with multiple gifts. This includes the singer, who was also good at many other things. So the notion that you are obligated to develop and use your gifts just doesn’t compute when you have entirely too many. It took seeing the world through the eyes of these clients for me to realize a principle that I lean on to this day:

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

And that goes for everyone. Including you.

In the singer’s case, she felt beholden to God. In your case, you feel somehow beholden to your government. I can’t speak for God, obviously, but I will say that his ways are inscrutable and mysterious, so you have to listen to your inner voice and your heart. I say the only debts you owe are to yourself and the people you have made promises to.  It doesn’t sound like you are breaking any promises you made to your employer. And you would not be putting your integrity at risk for failing to accept a promotion.

Let’s face it—growth requires discomfort. Some people love being in a constant state of growth and relish the challenge. Others don’t. You might take a few years off to rest and then get bored and change your mind. Or you might not. It is not for anyone else to judge your choices; not that they won’t (ha ha), but it really makes no material difference to you. You can take the pushy advice lightly, say thank you, and change the subject. No use burning bridges, so keep your options open.

The most miserable, unhappy people I have worked with were almost all in a state where they had created a life that others wanted for them, not one they wanted for themselves. And the higher you go, the harder it is to undo those choices.

So no. You aren’t wrong. You get one life, my friend. Are you going to live it the way you want, or the way others want?

I hope this is helpful.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to executive vice president in a company where I started as an entry level coordinator right out of college. I took advantage of the company’s training and generous education reimbursements, got an MBA, and rose steadily. I never dreamed I would get this far, and I am thrilled about it.

Until I am not.

I have excellent mentors and feel very good about my plan in my new role, but in the quiet hours of the night I have serious doubts. I worry that someone will do a double take and ask “What is she doing here?” I worry that someone will look at my college record and realize I did two years at a community college (to save money and live at home) before going to University. I worry that someone will find out I didn’t get a 4.0 average in my MBA program. I worry that I am the emperor with no clothes and that someone will realize it.

My partner laughs at me, telling me I am being irrational, but I just can’t shake this feeling. Is something wrong with me?

Feel Like a Fraud

______________________________________________________________

Dear Feel Like a Fraud,

Every so often, a topic flares up everywhere I look. In a week’s period, I heard the same theme from a colleague, a couple of clients, and an old friend. The theme is imposter syndrome.

That, my friend, is what you are suffering from.

Imposter syndrome might be defined as being dogged by a feeling that you aren’t quite as good or quite as smart as others think you are. It shows up exactly the way you describe: feeling like a fraud and worrying that someday people are going to figure out you didn’t deserve to get the award or the promotion or to have your book published.

I first encountered it decades ago, in my early twenties, when my then-husband was working as an actor in a new play by a very successful songwriter and playwright. They were hanging around together during the endless tech rehearsals and got to talking and she admitted she felt like a fraud and had no idea why she had been so lucky as to have received so much recognition. She said she worried that one day soon everyone would collectively wake up and realize she had no talent at all. I was struck at the time by how horrible that must feel and worried what it meant for people who hadn’t achieved any success or recognition at all. I mean, if someone that successful felt that way, was there any hope for the rest of us?

Around that time, someone shared this Winston Churchill quote with me: “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

That quote kept me going, striving through crappy job after crappy job, and it sustains me to this day.

Much later, when I became a coach, I learned how common imposter syndrome is among very successful people. In my experience, it is remarkably common among folks who have undeniable achievements. It is not a sign of a mental health issue or even low self-esteem—rather, it’s a sign of impossibly high standards and of big dreams and ambitions.

Here is a little video that might be useful if this resonates with you.

The strategy that seems to work best when imposter syndrome rears its head is to talk about it with people you trust. Your partner laughing at you isn’t helpful, so find others. I suspect you will find that others share a similar feeling—people you think of as brilliant, hardworking, and wonderful! So it kind of reflects back that if others who are crushing it feel that way, absurdly, it is probably okay that you do, too. It will almost certainly give you what you need in terms of perspective.

Ultimately, I think it is probably healthy for us to sometimes wonder Am I doing my very best or am I phoning it in? Are we challenging ourselves to go the extra mile or are we coasting? Did we really work for the last stellar performance or did we get lucky? Maybe a little of both? There is no shame in any of it, as long as we are telling ourselves the truth.

I do think some feelings that come with imposter syndrome are mixed up with the confusing concept of who is deserving. Good things happen to terrible people. Terrible things happen to good people. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. For folks who have a strong religious grounding or spiritual practice, what we do and don’t deserve can seem pretty straightforward. But even those folks can have a strong “why me?” response to any event, good or bad. There is no way to establish what anyone really deserves. Personally, I have given up on the whole idea of what I do or don’t deserve because it ultimately seems subjective.

Martin Seligman, in his book Learned Optimism, affords some useful insight on this. Seligman’s theory is that we learn to interpret events from our parents. Natural or adapted optimists tend to interpret bad events as random or the fault of someone else and good events as a result of their own hard work or good decisions. Pessimists tend to do the opposite. An example of this is someone coming out of the grocery store to find that a shopping cart has rolled into their new car and dented it. An optimistic person might think, “Wow, what is it with people who can’t put their carts away? What a bother!” while a pessimist might think, “Oh no, I should never have parked here, this is all my fault!”

I am not advocating we all blame others for our misfortunes, but there is probably a middle ground in which we can look at, and learn from, the part we might have played in what happens to us. It is true that people should put their shopping carts away, and it is also true that it probably makes sense to be vigilant about where we park when we care a lot about our car.

Which brings us to our collective confusion about luck. What is luck? Why are some people so lucky and others not at all? There is no law that defines who gets to be lucky. But I can share this observation about luck: to get lucky, you must at least have goals. Everyone who has goals attempts and fails. Everyone who has goals is wrong sometimes. Everyone gets lucky sometimes and everyone has strokes of terrible luck. So here is the other quote that has always stayed with me: “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” (This one is widely attributed, so I am going with Seneca.)

As far as I am concerned, the only answer is to keep plugging away, keep your eye on the goal, do your best, and pray for good luck and the stars to align. And when they do, try to enjoy it. Don’t second guess it. Just say “thank you” and strive to be worthy of your good fortune.

So go ahead and enjoy your new role, knowing that you got it because you impressed enough people with your smarts, your work ethic, and your effectiveness as a leader. And go ahead and be grateful for the recognition. And keep doing your best, not because you are afraid of being found out but because it is simply what you do. A little self-doubt can be healthy. You should worry if the feeling of being not quite good enough keeps you from trying to do something you want to do and think you might be able to do. If you find it holding you back in your new role, it might be something to work on with a therapist.

Honestly—in my experience, anyway—the people who never feel any self-doubt are the ones who should be worried.

Finally, here are a few things I know for sure:

1. No one cares that you did two years at community college. Anyone with a brain knows that is just smart. You graduated with your undergraduate degree. Period.
2. No one cares what your GPA was in your MBA program. You got yourself a graduate degree. Period.
3. All anyone cares about is that you bring your education, smarts, and work ethic to the job at hand, and that you take your leadership position seriously.
4. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I promise.

Okay?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Why would anyone want to be a career builder when they risk losing the people they develop?

It’s a provocative question many leaders answer by not developing their people. But this strategy doesn’t work—because people who aren’t nurtured by their leaders end up leaving anyway.

Career development is about the employee experience. It’s about the leader learning what’s important to the individual on a very personal level and discovering their strengths. It’s about understanding that people are happiest when they are growing and when they are respected for their skills and strengths.

When leaders recognize what’s personally important to the individual, the individual’s performance improves. Every employee wants to use their strengths through the course of the day. It feeds and energizes them. It helps them feel good about who they are and what they contribute.

The best leaders know putting in the time and effort to cultivate their people is always a smart investment. While they may end up losing someone in the end, they know they are gaining the loyalty of the person they are helping. And, in the process, they’ll earn the respect of all of their people.

Have Ongoing Conversations

Smart leaders partner with their people and have ongoing conversations about career development. This includes asking “Where do you want to be and how can I support you in that way?”

This shouldn’t be just a single conversation. It should be a living, breathing dialogue. Leaders should constantly be checking in with their people. When possible, they should partner with HR to create a potential pathway and provide necessary resources such as classes or certification.

Career development doesn’t have to mean leaving for another job. A leader seeking growth can become a mentee of an executive in another department or they can mentor someone who’s more junior.

The right course of action is to give an individual the space and resources to grow and learn more about themselves. The goal is to place a priority on the person, not just have them accomplish tasks. And if there isn’t room for the person to thrive, help them find the next step in their professional development.

Dealing with Doubts

Many leaders find career development conversations intimidating because it’s outside of their day-to-day duties. There’s also fear of the unknown. Leaders wonder if they are opening a Pandora’s Box. An employee could go through a career development journey and decide their current job isn’t for them.

The best way to handle this is to have ongoing conversations monthly, or at least quarterly. Your job as a leader is to make sure there is time on the meeting agenda where you can ask questions such as:

• How are you doing?
• Where are you in your career journey?
• How can I help you?

Making this conversation a standing agenda item normalizes it, which can help eliminate discomfort. Anxiety dissipates because the topic becomes a familiar one. The individual becomes excited and feels like their leader truly respects and trusts them. They come to a place of understanding and clarity. All a leader needs to do is operationalize whatever decision the person reaches—be it staying or leaving for another opportunity.

Happy Employees Are Productive Employees

One effective technique is to list all of an employee’s strengths and create a plan that aligns with their goals. This is powerful because it produces both short-term and long-term results. People get to use their strengths on a regular basis, which translates into happy and productive employees. As for the long term, people who do what they love can make a tremendous difference when leaders assign them to mission-critical tasks. This is one way a company can achieve its strategic goals.

When there’s a mismatch between a person’s strengths and their job duties, they experience little joy at work and the company doesn’t get their best effort. Productivity issues can arise. It’s a lose-lose situation. Making sure a person’s strengths and tasks are aligned can eliminate this problem.

Create Milestones

Effective leaders create milestones that help people reach their career development goals. When you track their progress, individuals feel like they are part of a formalized process.

Creating milestones is an important way to operationalize career development. The individual has a yardstick to measure their growth. The leader shows they want to create a real partnership.

The Gift of Career Development

When you look back at your life, you undoubtably have fond memories of the people who believed in you, encouraged you to cultivate your talents, and put your interests before theirs. They made a lasting impression on you and helped you become the person you are.

Career development is your opportunity to be a mentor who changes someone’s life for the better. What more could a leader want?

People want an empathetic leader. Many managers strive to be one. But ask someone to define the term, and you’re likely to be met with silence.

Let’s start with the definition. According to Merriam-Webster, empathy means “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

The logical question is: why is being empathetic an important quality of a leader? It seems to have nothing in common with achieving tasks or succeeding in the workplace.

The importance of being an empathetic leader starts with the simple truth that leadership is about people. If you’re going to lead effectively, you must be attuned to your people’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This translates into creating real partnerships rather than exerting power. It means walking alongside your team members and guiding them in the direction you need them to go.

Why Empathetic Leaders Are Needed Now

The topic of empathetic leadership has been getting a lot of press lately, mostly due to the adverse effects of the pandemic. COVID has bruised people in many ways: losing a loved one, losing a job, pay cuts, health problems, and on and on.

People are reevaluating their relationship with work in the wake of the pandemic. Some are deciding life’s too short to leave their spirit at the door and endure long workdays just to bring home a paycheck. They want an environment that nourishes them in a profound way.

The Empathy Deficit

Forbes says empathy is the most important leadership skill, but only 40% of people rate their leaders as being empathetic. It’s tricky to single out one skill as being the most important—anyone can argue that other skills deserve top billing. That qualifier aside, this statistic reveals a huge disconnect between what people want and what their leaders are providing.

But leading with empathy isn’t easy. If empathetic leadership were part of a college curriculum, it would be a 200-level class. It presumes that people have all the basics down—and many leaders don’t.

Leaders are often promoted to their roles based on their success as an individual contributor. But being a first-time manager requires a whole new set of skills—for example, emotional intelligence—that are more important than technical expertise. Many managers either haven’t had the opportunity to develop these skills, are resistant to doing so, or don’t have an interest in them.

When you add up all these reasons, it’s easy to see why we have an empathy deficit among leaders and their people.

Know Thyself

Becoming an empathetic leader starts with having excellent self-awareness. This requires doing inner work on understanding your motivators, your temperament, and your personality style. It also includes knowing your communication style, your reaction to feedback, and how your values shape your behavior.

The first step in your journey is investing in your own development. Once you are more self-aware, you can begin to adjust your leadership style to the needs of your people.

Senior executives play a pivotal role in this. They must put organizational resources behind self-awareness initiatives to show they are serious about developing empathetic leaders. Investing in training is an example. Just as important, they need to model the behaviors they want the organization’s leaders to demonstrate. They also should have caring conversations with managers who don’t appear to be growing into empathetic leaders.

Understand Others

The second part of empathetic leadership is striving for a good understanding of your team members. This includes improving your communication skills, such as being curious in conversations instead of being defensive or aggressive. It also includes learning how to eliminate fear in your interactions with your people—trust cannot survive if there is fear in a relationship.

Building trust with your people is essential if you’re to be an empathetic leader. They must know you are on their side and you mean them no harm. You must show them your role as a leader is to help them succeed. The better you understand your people, the better you’ll be able to serve them in a meaningful way.

Be Helpful

Finding practical ways to serve others is a concrete example of empathetic leadership. Our Self Leadership course teaches five points of power you can use to help your people succeed:

• Position Power: Having the title or authority to make certain decisions
• Task Power: Having control over a task or particular job
• Personal Power: Having interpersonal and leadership skills, passion, inspiration, or a personal vision of the future
• Relationship Power: Being connected or friendly with other people who have power
• Knowledge Power: Having relevant experience, expertise, or credentials

Empathetic leaders use these points of power to build up their people, help them feel safe and secure, and increase their confidence. When leaders do this, their people know they care about them. This opens many doors of possibility.

Be Compassionate

Empathetic leaders are compassionate and extend grace to others. They know how to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. But remember: organizations have goals that must be accomplished. Leaders must balance compassion with clear expectations that are understood by every team member.

Leaders who are empathetic place great importance on creating psychological safety—an environment where a person feels free to speak their mind, take risks, and admit mistakes without fear of being punished or reprimanded.

Empathetic leaders also balance great relationships with great results. Ken Blanchard and I share how to navigate this tricky intersection in our new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust. 

Simple Truth #1 in our book is “Servant leadership is the best way to achieve both great results and great relationships.” Many people have an either/or mindset when it comes to leadership—they focus on either achieving results or developing relationships. You can get both if you set a clear vision and direction for your people, then work side by side serving them in ways that help them accomplish their goals.

Set Boundaries

Empathetic leaders know how to set clear boundaries that benefit everyone, such as letting people know how many hours a day they’re supposed to work or that sending late-night emails is inappropriate.

When everyone has clarity on work boundaries—including rules and expectations—there is tremendous safety and freedom. Boundaries create a guardrail so people don’t unduly sacrifice themselves to accomplish something. Boundaries also promote autonomy. They let people know what they can and can’t do. 

An Empathetic Leader in Action

Seeing an empathetic leader in action turns philosophy into concrete reality. Try to imagine yourself as an empathetic leader who practices the following behaviors on a daily basis.

An empathetic leader:

• Asks rather than tells
• Listens rather than speaks
• Serves rather than commands
• Cares about people’s concerns
• Is receptive to feedback
• Doesn’t overact to people’s questions or concerns
• Doesn’t interpret concerns as resistance

When you demonstrate these behaviors, your people will be loyal to you. They’ll be engaged. They’ll give their best effort. They’ll be more innovative. And they’ll speak highly about your organization to their friends and colleagues.

Call to Action

At its core, empathetic leadership is about being an others-focused leader. It’s about leaders being in tune with the needs of their people and responding in tangible ways that demonstrate their care and concern. And how do people respond when their leaders act this way? They pledge their loyalty, trust, and commitment to that leader, which results in greater productivity, innovation, and creativity. Who wouldn’t want that?

Dear Madeleine,

I recently got a new manager. At first everything was fine. She did a big reorganization of our group, some of my duties where shifted, and I took on some new ones. I am still on a learning curve but I am getting there.

She also hired four new people who followed her from her previous organization. All of sudden it feels like I am being left out of important meetings, missing critical information, and getting called out for mistakes.  After years of excellent performance reviews, all of sudden if feels like I can’t do anything right.

I can’t pinpoint what I am doing wrong, but I am starting to dread sitting down to work. What can I do?

Left Out

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Left Out,

It is the worst feeling. Of course, you feel dread—there is a new “in group” that you are not part of, and you have lost the feeling of competence and control that you had been used to. Yuck.

The neuroscience research has found that being excluded activates almost the same parts of the brain as physical pain. It has been shown that over the counter painkillers will actually make you feel better when you are in that kind of emotional pain. This astonishes me. Heck, it is worth a try, at least in the short term. But you can’t let the dread go on for too long; that kind of stress will lead to burnout.

Beyond that, there are a few avenues you can take:

1. Talk to your manager.
2. Create and nurture relationships with the new kids on the block.
3. Take really good care of yourself.

You must first raise your concerns with your new manager. Since she is new, making tons of changes, and onboarding a bunch of new hires, she has probably lost sight of the process and communication threads. Somehow, you are being left off of meeting invites and memos. The worst thing you can do is take it personally—you must just raise your hand, point it out, and get it fixed. If your workplace is like pretty much every workplace I hear about (and my own), everyone is moving at warp speed just trying to keep up. You must raise your hand and keep raising it, without getting huffy, until things smooth out.

Next, identify each new hire and make it your business to get to know them. It is your business. Set up time for a meet and greet, over web conference if needed, and just introduce yourself. Be ready with questions: what did you do at your last company, married/single? Kids or pets? Favorite food? Favorite vacations? Hobbies? If you are shy, introverted, or both, this will be harder for you—but you must do it. Think of it as part of your job, not extracurricular. As a member of the old guard, the more you extend your hand and make new people feel welcomed, the less left out you will feel. People tend to gravitate to the people they know—so make sure people know you and you know them. This will go a long way toward decreasing your sense of isolation.

While you’re at it, make the effort to connect or reconnect with other work colleagues that you already have a relationship with. It takes effort to blast ourselves out of our Covid stupor—I have experienced it myself—but the effort really does pay off.

Finally, do whatever you can do to take care of yourself. Get together with friends who love you, indulge in things that make you happy and remind you of what is great about your life. This is a lot of change, which increases uncertainty, which can cause a negative spiral. You must find ways to stop the negative spiral and get your feelings moving in the other direction. It will make everything seem much more manageable.

Manager first, then new people, and then plan some fun things that give you joy.

You can and you must.

You are going to be okay.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

In honor of Women’s History Month, I sat down with Debbie Ung, EVP of sales and professional services at The Ken Blanchard Companies, to talk about her experiences being a female leader in various industries.

What motivated you to become a leader?

I became a leader out of necessity. I was working for a startup organization that was growing quickly; we created leadership roles to manage the increasing number of people and projects. I have always been driven to perform at a high level and to make a positive difference in the workplace, so being thrust into a leadership role made sense. I was fulfilling a business need. Being a leader wasn’t something I sought out, it just evolved. I’ve always been fortunate to work with organizations that had a very clear purpose and mission. These organizations knew what they wanted to accomplish and I realized early in my career that the only way to deliver on purpose is through people working together to drive impact. I was comfortable leading teams to help organizations reach their goals. I could do more as a leader than as an individual working on a team.

Who has inspired you along the way?

The COO of the startup company I mentioned before taught me the importance of hiring really good people. I learned to hire people smarter than myself; people who would challenge me to be better; people I could count on to show up and get the job done in a way that was respectful to our organization and to clients. I believe when you hire the best and brightest, your job as a leader is to help them all work together efficiently to meet the needs of the customer. A high performing team dedicated to the mission ensures that organizational vitality is secured.

The COO also taught me about followership. The role of the leader is to serve the needs of their people, remove obstacles, and help them work together to achieve goals. Leadership is about being others-focused, not self-focused.

This might seem counterintuitive, but I’ve also been inspired by leaders who weren’t so great. Anyone who has worked with an ineffective leader knows how much difficult situations can negatively impact their entire life, both at work and at home. Those experiences helped me understand what I didn’t want to be as a leader. I didn’t want to cause stress for my team members. I wanted them to succeed. So I learned the leadership behaviors to avoid as well as the behaviors to emulate. 

And of course, I was inspired by my parents, who encouraged me to do what I was passionate about, focus on results, and deliver my best performance regardless of the activity.

What’s your definition of leadership?

Ultimately, being a leader means being focused on others and not yourself. As a leader, you need to be aware of how you are developing your team members so they can learn to lead others, too. That is what followership is all about. A leader has the responsibility to create other leaders who are going to inspire other people.

Do you think gender and age bias are still an issue for women in leadership?

I’ve been in leadership roles for more than 25 years. I can see that we have made improvements in age and gender bias, but they are slight improvements. Women, especially women of color, are still underrepresented in leadership roles. Unfortunately, the pandemic actually increased this gap. Research has shown that women have experienced burnout at a much higher rate than men. There are many causes for that, but the truth is that the gap just got larger.

My experience with age bias occurred in my first leadership role. I was much younger than my mostly male team and at times I felt imposter syndrome taking hold. I sometimes doubted myself. It took me a while to trust my own voice and to push myself through the challenging times. Looking back, I clearly see that most of the perceived barriers I thought I was fighting were actually assumed constraints. I succeeded in that time by being super clear on my priorities and trusting my own judgment, which built my confidence and in turn my competence with being a leader.

How can women support other women in their organizations?

I love mentoring young women and I’ve found it doesn’t have to be a documented mentor/mentee relationship. I encourage women to build strong networks and alliances—it can be as simple as starting a book club or social club. Providing the opportunity for women to come together to create dialogue helps to form relationships, build trust, and fuel confidence. And this doesn’t have to be limited to women. Men and women should mentor each other, too. We have a lot to learn from each other.

You have young twin granddaughters. What is your hope for them and for future generations of women who will enter the workforce?

I look at my granddaughters and the crazy world they have been born into and all I can hope is that they are confident, kind, and caring. I hope they find a way to contribute in any way that positively impacts others. I want them to feel good about themselves and the contributions they are making. It doesn’t matter what their job is as long as they contribute to society in a kind way that brings them happiness.

OK, just for fun: beach or mountains, Beatles or Rolling Stones, and vanilla or chocolate?

Hmmm, definitely beach and Rolling Stones. And chocolate—is there any other choice?

It’s Women’s History Month—time to celebrate women’s accomplishments in the workplace! It’s essential to take a moment to recognize our contributions when you consider that in 2020 women still made just 84% of what men earned for the same job and were significantly underrepresented in leadership roles, according to Pew Research.

The argument about whether women can be great leaders is one that needs to be put to rest. Research has long shown that women excel in leadership roles. To empower women colleagues and to reassure anyone who may have an unconscious bias against women who apply for leadership positions, I share these findings:

• Women leaders are rated as being more competent than men on 11 out of 12 dimensions of leadership, according to Forbes.
• Women leaders score higher than men in 17 of 19 leadership competencies, according to Harvard Business Review.
• And 33% of people who work for a female manager are engaged at work, compared to 27% who work for male managers, according to Gallup.

There’s more: Female managers are more likely than male managers to encourage employee development, check in frequently on their employees’ progress, have regular conversations about their performance, and praise their people.  They are also better at collaborating and are perceived as being more empathetic and trustworthy. And they are significantly better listeners.

Perhaps Forbes best summed up the facts:

Having women in senior leadership roles also translates into greater profitability. A study by Credit Suisse found 25% of women in decision making roles had a 4% higher average return on investment—and companies with 50% of women in senior leadership had a 10% higher cash flow return on investment.

“With incontrovertible evidence like this, organizations not aggressively pursuing the cultivation of women executives are making the expressed, intentional choice to disregard evidence, severely undermining performance and compromising their organization’s potential.”

It’s crystal clear that your unique voice is needed to help people thrive! So, as a way of encouraging dynamic women such as yourself to climb the leadership ladder, my acronym WOMEN shares five strategies you can use to create the future of your dreams!

W = Ask WHO Questions

From my experience, successful women are fabulous at focusing on what they need to do, when they need to do it, and why they need to do it. Then they go out and get it done!

We’ve got the what, when, and why down. Now, as more women seek to move into leadership positions, we might want to focus on who. Here are some who questions you can ask to rocket your career to new heights!

• Who can help me do this task?
• Who can I delegate this to, so I can protect my time and build competence in others?
• Who do I want to meet?
• Who can I observe to see how the best and brightest do this task?
• Who do I want on my personal board of directors?
• Who can I endorse and build their confidence, so they are ready to step into a leadership position?
• Who do I want as a mentor?
• Who can I partner with who energizes me?
• Who can I and other leaders champion to help them get more visibility?

O = Be OTHER-Focused

Great women leaders are other-focused while keeping their eye on their own work. If someone asks them for help, they are immediately of service. They think of that person and what is important to them, and ask themselves, “How can I best help them?” They never lose sight of what that person wants to accomplish, sending them articles and ideas, checking in on their progress, and being an accountability buddy to ensure the person is successful.  

Other-focused women leaders know when to tell people how to do a task and when to ask someone to share how they think they would like to do a task. They know this because, just like a good doctor, they diagnose the task and the person’s demonstrated competence before responding. They are mindful of individual differences and communicate, recognize, and encourage people in a way that is meaningful to them.

M = Use MOMENTUM to Make Things Happen

Inspiring women leaders are energized by momentum. They are always seeking to do things better and faster, help the greatest number of people to succeed, and drive organizational vitality. They are always learning, reflecting on their actions, analyzing what they think would be best, and sharing their insights with others.

Momentum comes in many different forms such as speaking up in meetings. Here’s a helpful tip to ensure people listen to your ideas: Instead of giving your suggestions or recommendations in the form of a question such as “What if…” or “How about…,” be direct and say, “Here’s what I think we should do.” That way, people don’t think you are asking a question that drives their need to problem solve.

When you present your ideas, remember: if you hear no, it doesn’t necessarily mean no. No can mean lots of things such as “I’m hungry” or “I’m too busy today and don’t have the bandwidth to consider it.”

Here’s a funny anecdote that some of you may have experienced, between my very rational husband and me. We were driving home with the kids from a long hike, and everyone was hungry. My husband said, “Let’s go out to dinner!” Then he asked me, “Where would you like to go?” I said, “How about that new place?” He thought for a minute and said, “Nooo.” Then I said, “Well, how about the ABC restaurant?” And he thought for a few seconds and said, “Nooo.” And then I said, “I’ve got it! How about if we go to the place everybody loves, the XYZ restaurant?” And again, he said, “No I’m not really feeling that tonight.”

At this point, I thought to myself how come we never get to go where I want to go? So I decided to address that. I asked, “How come you never want to go where I want to go?” He said, “Well, you didn’t say where you wanted to go.” What’s the moral of that story? He was right. I just kept asking questions—and, being a rational guy, he just gave me his answers. Remember this when you’re pitching ideas in the boardroom. State your recommendation (like I should have): “Let’s get off at the next exit and go to Buca de Beppo.” Which I did, and we went, and it was delicious.

One last tip. If you have to say something that might upset someone, don’t start your sentence with “I’m sorry.” Say something like, “Thanks for taking the time to chat.”  This expression of gratitude makes the listener more receptive to what you’re about to say. 

E = Be Comfortable with EMOTIONS

Awesome women leaders realize that emotions should be acknowledged and embraced. Leveraging emotional intelligence is one of their superpowers.

When I was in my doctoral program, I read In a Different Voice by Carol Gilligan of Harvard. It was revolutionary for me. I did have a different voice—a woman’s voice. When I was a school administrator, colleagues would often tease me by saying, “Oh Vicki, you’re so sensitive! Do you always have to ask how this will impact the students (or teachers or parents)?”  This often triggered a sense of shame and powerlessness that came from my childhood admonitions. When I was little, I was often told I was too emotional. If I got excited or upset, I would constantly hear negative comments from my parents that sent the message “People like you don’t make it in the real world!” In other words, they felt expressing emotions would hinder my success.

The truth is the opposite. Now, in a time when people are feeling so strongly about everything, the ability to be aware of and acknowledge your emotions and the emotions of others is the ultimate relationship builder. Creating a place where your people can release negative emotions and amplify positive ones is a special gift. It’s what makes women leaders such a tremendous benefit to an organization.

N = NURTURE Yourself and Others

Nurturing is a profound concept. It encompasses mindfulness, boundaries, and caring for ourselves and others. Fabulous women leaders realize that our bodies are the holding tanks for our brilliance. No bodies, no brilliance.

Because of this, women leaders protect their time, helping their people take brain breaks and look after their bodies. They run effective meetings so that people are energized, not drained. They stop every hour for a “mindfulness minute” to drink water, exercise for a minute, call someone, or praise someone. They know self-care renews their energy, their ability to be compassionate, and their ability to focus. And they know it’s much harder to be compassionate when you’re drained.

Last, women leaders watch their thoughts carefully. As Margie Blanchard, one of my favorite women leaders, says: “Don’t say it unless you want it!” They realize there is a profound connection between their thoughts, physiology, and outcomes. Since the brain stores information in images, which the body reacts to, they keep their minds filled with desired outcomes and a vision of what they want.

For example, if I say, “I’m exhausted,” what happens in my body? It wilts. But if I say, “I am so energized and excited to go into this meeting and learn something from everyone,” my body becomes energized.

Embrace Yourself. Embrace Success.

Women leaders: the world needs your unique point of view and your energy—for unleashing the power and potential of others!

Keep on leading. Keep on inspiring. Keep on challenging yourself to take even better care of yourself than you already are! Let others hear your powerful voice. Model for others the gifts of clarity, influence, and autonomy. And watch the world return it to you in abundance.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP of sales for a US-based fitness and weight loss website that is in hypergrowth. I started with the company about eight years ago and rose through the ranks, figuring things out as I went.

About 18 months ago, my regional counterpart (I was East, he was West) quit suddenly when someone else was promoted to chief sales officer over him. The amount of regional VPs I managed suddenly doubled and I had a new boss. She came from sales operations, has never sold so much as a Girl Scout cookie, and depends on me for everything.

Since she started, my work has been nothing but a slog. In 2021, I got no recognition or appreciation from my new boss when—despite the doubling of my workload and the crazy COVID disruption—we crushed our sales quotas for 2020. This past year, in addition to my ten regular direct reports, I covered for someone who went out on a six-month medical leave. When I asked for a promotion to senior executive VP, my boss couldn’t understand why that mattered to me and denied me the title change. Then just a couple of weeks ago, without any discussion or explanation, she changed my comp plan. I did the math and discovered I essentially got a pay cut.

It seems like the harder I try and the better I do, the less I am making and the less they care about me. I have tried several times to share with my boss what motivates me (title, money), but she doesn’t listen and doesn’t care. I have received no feedback at all on what I might be doing wrong, so it isn’t a performance issue.

I don’t want to leave my people high and dry, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. How do I make the decision to stay or go? I get calls from headhunters all day long, the industry I am in is exploding, and I have an amazing track record. All my friends think I am nuts for staying. What do you think?

Stay or Go?

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stay or Go?

This sounds really hard. It is hard to imagine what your boss is thinking. Why, if you are doing so well, would she be lowering your comp and denying you something (a title) that costs her nothing when it is so clearly important to you?

I guess my question is: What is keeping you where you are? You don’t want to leave your people high and dry—that’s it? You don’t mention how much you love the company, or the product/service you are selling and the difference it makes in the world. That tells me you will probably be much happier in an environment where your boss appreciates your skills, cares about what matters to you, and has the professionalism to manage conversations like a change in comp properly. I mean, seriously, a change in compensation for a sales professional requires delicacy, tact, and lots of negotiation. I am not in sales, but I know something like that shouldn’t just be an announcement.

Is it possible that because you started in the company early and rose up, you feel a strong sense of ownership that is keeping you stuck somewhere you aren’t appreciated?

What if you were to give yourself one last quarter to do your utmost to prepare your team to be as successful as possible without you, then respond to those headhunters and find a company that will recognize your value and treat you better?

I think when everything becomes an uphill battle, your boss sends messages that you don’t matter, and you are asking yourself every day how much longer you can hold on, those are clues that it might be time to go.

Did I miss something? Only you will know.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

If relationships fail and one decides to pivot away from a toxic organization or situation, what is the best way to tell that story in a job interview?      

For example, I may be asked “Why did you leave that company?” My true feeling is it was all about the toxic culture. The objective truth might be more likely that I failed—ran out of patience, failed to make breakthroughs in those relationships, etc. Ultimately, it was a personal decision to leave based on my mental, emotional, and professional health and career choice. 

What do you think?

Preparing for My Next Step

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Preparing for My Next Step,

First, congratulations for having the guts to jump ship. So many just suck it up and stay miserable. It takes real courage to recognize an intractable situation and do what is needed to take care of yourself.

I consulted our Trust expert and coauthor of the just-published book Simple Truths of Leadership (with Ken Blanchard), Randy Conley, on this one. He says:

“I’d encourage you to be honest in a respectful way that doesn’t disparage your former employer or boss. I’ve conducted hundreds of interviews and have heard the good, bad, and ugly from people sharing reasons for leaving a past employer. The people who impressed me the most have been those whose integrity shined through in the way they explained their departure.

“A good way to get the message across is by using ‘I’ language to take ownership of your decision to leave, while clearly and diplomatically explaining that there was a misalignment between your values and theirs or the culture didn’t provide the type of environment in which you could flourish.

“Yours is a very common reason why people leave jobs, so I wouldn’t get too self-conscious about discussing it in a respectful and professional manner. Remember, your response shapes your reputation.”

I really can’t say it better than that. The only thing I would add is that it might be a good idea to prepare in advance some brief concise remarks about what you are looking for in the culture of your next job. Also, maybe add a little more detail about what you learned about yourself from the experience and what you might do differently in the future should you run into a similar bind. Your last gig made you hyper aware of what you don’t want, so how exactly can you use that experience to define what you do want? And if you are ready to own your part in having to leave, how might you apply that knowledge to build stronger relationships in your next job?

That will keep things on a lighter note—a positive vision of the future is always attractive. And you are ready for the inevitable behavioral interview question: “How might you deal with a perceived lack of values alignment in the future?” It will also assist your interviewer in assessing culture fit for your next potential opportunities.

Both Randy and I wish you the best of luck finding the exact right spot for your next career chapter.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

The time for virtual reality (VR) in leadership development has arrived.

VR simulations are becoming more immersive. Equipment and development costs are falling. Leaders are busier than ever. And the pandemic has scattered workforces and required social distancing.

A Giant Step for Leadership Development

VR represents such a giant step in leadership development that it’s worth reviewing the past. Ten years ago, most leadership training happened in face-to-face classrooms. Over the last few years, much of it has evolved into online training modules and stretched learning journeys. While these modalities are more accessible to the learner in a moment of need, these online modalities came with the difficult challenge: how do you allow people to practice new skills and reinforce new concepts in an e-learning design?

VR for leadership development addresses these challenges by integrating learning into the flow of work. New concepts and skills are immediately reinforced. This turns theory into behavior.

That’s just the beginning. We are truly at a watershed moment.

Learning Becomes Behavior

What makes VR so powerful is that it is experiential. It sticks with the learner as a lived memory. In scientific terms, experiential learning creates episodic memory. For the purposes of learning, episodic memory results in unmatched retention and behavioral change. That makes VR one of the most powerful ways to turn learning into behavior.

Another powerful benefit of VR is that behaviors in real and virtual worlds are easily transferred. L&D professionals can create experiences that intentionally cultivate specific behaviors in learners. And what learners practice in simulation is likely to be demonstrated in the workplace. In fact, VR is so powerful that skill transfer can happen spontaneously and unconsciously.

Safe Practice Builds Skills

VR lets leaders practice new skills without worrying about real-world consequences. While this “safe sandbox” benefit applies to any type of online training, the stakes within leadership development are often much higher, as they can have ramifications across an organization. VR defuses much of the performance anxiety a learner might have.

VR is also less likely to produce anxiety in learners. People aren’t as worried about making a mistake or saying something stupid. When the brain is less preoccupied with stress, it can learn more easily.

VR Gives Objective Feedback

It’s common for trainers in face-to-face workshops to facilitate 20 to 30 people, with ten or more table teams or breakout groups to coordinate. Even the best facilitators will struggle to keep track of how all the learners are faring and to give each learner thoughtful and objective feedback. Additionally, learners can be biased and ill-informed when they evaluate themselves and their colleagues.

VR removes any subjectivity and inexperience from learner evaluations. Every learner choice is scored, every individual receives a thorough diagnosis, and every leader receives impartial feedback.

It also ensures consistency of experience. When you’re partnered with another learner, your experience is largely dependent on the aptitude of your partner. With VR, you’re always working with the perfect partner.

VR Is Incredibly Powerful

Early research shows that VR may be the most powerful learning modality. PricewaterhouseCoopers found that VR learners got up to speed four times faster than classroom learners and almost two times faster than with e-learning alone. VR also results in greater focus and fewer distractions on the part of learners.

VR is accessible when you need it. It offers a risk-free proving ground. It enables real learning and behavior transfer. And it provides personalized, accurate feedback every time. Put leaders in a well-designed simulation and they can quickly master skills that may have eluded them for some time.

VR has changed the way pilots and surgeons train. Leadership is next in line.

Dear Madeleine,

My company has recently started offering coaching to all managers at my level. It is optional. I have read what our HR department has posted about it, but they didn’t give much information.

I always thought coaching was for underperformers, but that isn’t how they are selling it. What would I work on with a coach? How would it benefit me? It seems to take a lot of time, which isn’t something I have much of. Maybe you can share some insight?

Coach or No Coach?

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Coach or No Coach,

Well, this is right up my alley, so thanks for that. I think it might be easiest to break the whole thing down into a few points:

• What is coaching
• Why work with a coach
• How to get the most out of coaching
• Questions to ask your HR department about coaching

What Is Coaching

Ask ten people what coaching is and you will get ten different answers. That might explain why your HR department is having trouble expressing the value of it. The International Coaching Federation (ICF—the largest, though not only, global professional association for coaches) defines coaching as:

 “Partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. The process of coaching often unlocks previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity and leadership.”

In our book, Coaching in Organizations, Linda Miller and I defined coaching this way:

“Coaching is a deliberate process using focused conversations to create an environment for individual growth, purposeful action, and sustained improvement. Coaching is a one-on-one process and a relationship between an individual and a coach, with specific objectives and goals focused on developing potential, improving relationships, and enhancing performance. Coaching uses a formalized yet personalized approach that integrates proven techniques for change with behavioral knowledge and hands-on practice. Coaching breaks down barriers to help achieve greater levels of accomplishment. It is a process of self-leadership that enables people to gain clarity about who they are, what they are doing, and why they are doing it.

“The one-on-one coaching relationship is used to:

• Unlock an individual’s potential and maximize his or her performance
• Challenge and aid individuals in taking effective action
• Lead individuals to an understanding of the essence of themselves (their character) to achieve satisfaction”

Professional coaches who work in organizations like yours tend to have a lot of experience working in companies, both as former employees and as coaches. They are adept at dealing with the predictable issues people have at work, which include:

• Managing complexity and multiple priorities
• Time, task, and meeting management
• Leading, managing, and developing others
• Career planning
• Leveraging strengths and mitigating weaknesses
• Developing a growth mindset
• Setting boundaries and creating habits that will ensure personal sustainability and avoid burnout
• Polishing interpersonal communications, managing political situations
• Developing and nurturing a network of relationships

Why Work with a Coach

Coaches can do good work only when clients are ready, willing, and able to devote a little extra time and brain space to their own growth. Coaching isn’t the right thing for everyone, all of the time. It would be a great time to work with a coach if you:

• want to be a better employee
• want to be a more effective manager
• have big career goals but aren’t making the kind of progress you’d like
• want to be more creative, assertive, or organized
• know you could develop more effective work habits
• want more time and space to reflect
• fantasize about having more of a life outside of work
• are frankly dissatisfied with your work life in any way

Many people I have worked with come back for a little while when they get a huge promotion, run into a difficult situation, or need to make a big decision. Working with a good coach will leave you with the ability to self-coach in the future.

Just for the record: it is important to distinguish that coaching isn’t consulting (although the coach might fill knowledge gaps when needed), counseling, or therapy. If you feel you might be struggling with depression, anxiety, or past trauma that is interfering with your ability to be at your best, coaching is not the right professional intervention.

If you feel like everything is absolutely perfect at work, you love everything about your life, and you wouldn’t change a thing, well, good on you! Now is probably not the best time to avail yourself of the opportunity to work with a coach.

Get the Most Out of Coaching

If you decide to go ahead with working with a coach, they will probably tell you this—but I will tell you anyway. You really will want to show up fully, with a beginner’s mind and a growth mindset. This can be defined as: “[when] people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.” Dweck, 2015

You will want to:

• Schedule your appointments, keep your appointments, and protect your coaching time from intrusions.
• Work with your coach to set crystal clear, attainable goals for the coaching. Ask yourself: How will I know the coaching was a success? It is great to really like or even love your coach, but you still want to have something concrete to show for the investment.
• Ask questions. Share any of your doubts, concerns and impressions with your coach.
• Remember that you are the client. Ask for what you want. Tell your coach how to best serve you. If your coach isn’t asking enough questions, is talking too much or too fast, or is doing something that annoys you, tell them immediately! Think of it as designing an alliance with the sole purpose of serving you.
• Be willing to stretch in your commitments throughout your coaching sessions. You know you will have a safe place to process the experience and learn from it.
• Only commit to actions you are sure you will be able to follow through on. Start small and build, rather than shoot for the moon and feel disappointed.
• Be willing to share with colleagues your experience with being coached. The best way to internalize and integrate what you are learning is to talk about it and teach it to others if possible.

Questions to Ask

You will want to ask your HR department some basic questions like:

• Is the coaching confidential? (It should be; however, in most cases, as agents of the organization the coach is obligated to report on things that are out of compliance with company policy, such as sexual harassment, theft, or ethical breaches.)
• What will you, the organization, want to know about what goes on between me and my coach?
• Will I be able to choose my coach? Are all the available coaches certified?
• What if I don’t click with my coach?
• What if I want to keep working with my coach once the contracted time is up?

This should give you a place to start. I know that your time is a precious resource and it can be hard to imagine how making one more commitment will improve things. You might think about simply testing it out. Try doing an intro program for three months. Any decent coach will provide incalculable value from the word go, so if it feels like a waste of your time, either the coach isn’t good or it isn’t the right time for you to work with one.

Use your own judgment based on all of this. If you go ahead with it, I hope it is a brilliant experience for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Effective leadership is an influence process where leaders implement everyday, commonsense approaches that help people and organizations thrive. Yet somehow, many of these fundamental principles are still missing from most workplaces.

In their new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, legendary servant leadership expert Ken Blanchard, whose books have sold millions of copies worldwide, and his colleague Randy Conley, known and recognized for his many years of thought leadership and expertise in the field of trust, share fifty-two Simple Truths about leadership that will help leaders everywhere make commonsense leadership common practice.

The book covers a wide-ranging list of leadership skills certain to bring out the best in people. One of the things that make Blanchard and Conley’s approach different is the down-to-earth practicality of what they recommend. Instead of outcome or trait statements, the authors share leadership behaviors that get results.

How about you? What day-to-day leadership behaviors have made a big difference in your effectiveness as a leader?

Below are five examples from Blanchard and Conley. Are any of these on your list of simple leadership truths? Which of these have been powerful in your life as a leader? Which do you wish you would have learned earlier? What else would you include?

1. See Feedback as a Gift

Giving feedback to the boss doesn’t come naturally to most people, so getting honest feedback from your team members may be difficult. They may fear being the messenger bearing bad news, so they hesitate to be candid.

If you are lucky enough to receive feedback from one of your team members, remember—they’re giving you a gift. Limit yourself to three responses. Make sure the first thing you say is “Thank you!” Then follow up with “This is so helpful,” and “Is there anything else you think I should know?”

2. Help People Win

It’s hard for people to feel good about themselves if they are constantly falling short of their goals. That’s why it’s so important for you as a leader to do everything you can to help people win—accomplish their goals—by ensuring the following:

• Make sure your people’s goals are clear, observable, and measurable.
• As their leader, work together with your people to track progress.
• When performance is going well or falling short of expectations, give them appropriate praising, redirecting, or coaching—or reexamine whether your leadership style matches the person’s development level on a specific goal.

3. Admit Your Mistakes

If you make a mistake, own it. Admit what you did, apologize if necessary, and then put a plan in place to not repeat the mistake. Here are some best practices you can follow:

• Be prompt. Address the mistake as soon as possible. Delay can make it appear you’re trying to avoid or cover up the issue.
• Accept responsibility. Own your behavior and any damage it caused.
• Highlight the learning. Let your team know what you’ve learned and what you’ll do differently next time.
• Be brief. Don’t over-apologize or beat yourself up. Mistakes happen.

4. Extend Trust

Many leaders are afraid to give up too much control for fear that something will come back to bite them. They think it isn’t worth the risk to give up control. Are you willing to give up control and trust others? If you struggle to relinquish control and trust others, start with baby steps:

• Identify low-risk situations where you feel comfortable extending trust.
• Assess a person’s trustworthiness by gauging their competence to handle the task, integrity to do the right thing, and commitment to follow through.
• As you become more comfortable giving up control and learn that others can be trusted, extend more trust as situations allow.

5. Rebuild Trust When Broken

Leaders inevitably do something to erode trust—and when that happens, it’s good to have a process to follow to rebuild it. Trust can usually be restored if both parties are willing to work at it. If you have eroded trust in a relationship, follow this process to begin restoring it:

• Acknowledge. The first step in restoring trust is to acknowledge there is a problem. Identify the cause of low trust and what behaviors you need to change.
• Apologize. Take ownership of your role in eroding trust and express remorse for the harm it has caused.
• Act. Commit to not repeating the behavior and act in a more trustworthy way in the future.

Blanchard and Conley’s new book is being released on February 1. Would you like a sneak peek? Download this eBook summary of Simple Truths of Leadership.

Interested in learning more? Join Blanchard and Conley for a special webinar on January 26 where the authors will be highlighting key concepts from their book. The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies. Use this link to register.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a veteran employee of a large, very healthy organization. I like the company and my co-workers. I’ve had plenty of advancement opportunities and I think my comp package is fair.

I have been managing people for a long time and feel that I am skilled. I am not just tooting my own horn—I get great feedback from my people and my boss is happy with my work. I would go so far as to say that I have had a fantastic career. I only have a few years left before I retire, which I look forward to—lots of grandkids to take fishing, golf, hiking, volunteer work for my local homeless shelter—and really thought I would stay here until I retire.

However, I get calls from headhunters. All the time. I get emails, voice mails, and now, somehow, they have my cell number so I have stopped picking up numbers I don’t recognize. I did have one conversation with someone who tried to convince me that I could have a shot at a senior executive position and a lot more money if I were to consider going elsewhere.

My wife thinks I am nuts not to explore the possibilities, but it feels like Pandora’s box to me. I like things the way they are. What would be the point of starting over someplace new? But then I worry that I might regret it if I don’t at least take a look at what’s being offered.

If it Ain’t Broke

________________________________________________________________________

Dear If it Ain’t Broke,

Don’t fix it.

Sorry you handed that to me on a silver platter. But seriously, don’t.

There are two questions here:

1. What is driving your wife’s agenda? Has she told you that you seem bored? Unengaged? Frustrated with your management team? Does she want you to make a lot more money? Perhaps she is bored with her own life and hopes that your making a big change will be entertaining? Does she resent, perhaps, that you don’t get enough time off to hang out with her? (Not that starting a new job will alleviate that!) The sooner you learn what is at the root of your wife’s opinion that you should turn your wonderful work life upside down, the better. There might be something to learn there.
2. If you were to stay where you are, what would you regret? Regret is yucky. Because it is wishing you could change the past, which is impossible. Do you judge yourself because you were once more ambitious? Did you once have dreams that you abandoned because of responsibilities? Would you be able to realize those dreams in a different company? Have you always wanted to be on an executive team or be the boss of everyone? If that is the case, you might want to go for it.

But what you really don’t want is to make a big leap to start over someplace else, only to find that you miss what you had. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants?

As a coach, I have a duty to help people get crystal clear about their values (what is most important to them), their needs (what they must have to fire on all cylinders), and their wants. In that order. For people to feel most fulfilled, they need first to be in an environment that feels aligned with their values, and then they must get their core psychological needs met. After that, they can use whatever time and energy they have left to get (or do) what they want. Anytime a person shakes up their environment, they must spend enormous brain power and energy stabilizing in a new system. This is why moving houses feels like a such a big deal. Moving jobs is even more of a big deal.

Moving jobs makes sense when you:

• can’t use your strengths,
• can’t change or grow,
• are crushed by political mayhem,
• hate what you are doing,
• hate the people you work with,
• are bored to tears,
• have too much responsibility without the autonomy or authority to use your own judgment, or
• have a fundamental problem with what the company does.

Moving jobs does not make sense to you for a reason; from your letter, it sounds like several reasons. Unless as you read this you get a flood of good reasons to move that you hadn’t thought of, I say enjoy the next few years where you are.

Have the conversation with your wife, though. You might uncover something she really wants that is causing her to push you. Then you can build a plan to help her get what she wants and let go of this conversation.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am senior project manager for a global construction firm. I am one of the very few women in the organization, and wouldn’t you know, my problem is with one of them. She is a peer to me, and we have very different but overlapping roles.

The fundamental problem is that she changes decisions I have made on design and materials, without consulting me, and instructs others on the project not to mention it to me. Some of these people report to me and are thoroughly confused and stressed out about who is in charge. The decisions she changes are not hers to change. Sometimes they are decent, other times not so much. She has a different skill set from me (I have degrees in structural engineering and design, she does not) and she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know.

I need to put the extra work in to change some of her decisions back or risk some real problems. I would be happy to get her input and consider it—she does have good ideas. I have quite literally begged her to stop doing it. She is always very cordial and agreeable, and agrees to stop, but then she does it again.

I have asked our boss to have a meeting with both of us to clarify roles/responsibilities, and he snorts and says, “You guys need to work this stuff (not the s word he uses) out.”  He has referred several times to our conflict as a “catfight.”  It is insulting.

This has been going on for years, and I have just let it roll off my back even though it drives me nuts. The workload is so intense that I figured I should keep my head down and it would work itself out. Boy, was I wrong. It has gone from bad to worse. Things came to a head recently when she changed decisions after the order for a bunch of materials had gone out. So, another order went out and now we have a surplus of materials—and I am being held accountable for the overage on costs. I explained to my boss what happened, and he doesn’t care—it is still my fault, and he is going to dock my annual bonus. I am a single mom and I was depending on that money to pay college tuition.

I see my nemesis and my boss together all the time. They both work at HQ and I am remote on the other side of the country. I don’t know how she has done it, but she has gotten chummy with the old boys’ club that runs the whole company, and she has cowed my entire team into acting like she is my boss. I do suspect that she and my boss are having an affair (they are both married to other people and there is an express rule in the company that people who work together cannot be in relationships). Of course, I have no proof of this. I have complained to HR, but the solution was to get me a coach to help me work on my communication skills. My communication skills have never been an issue in my 25-year career. But it has been useful to use the coaching sessions to vent and find some tactical work-arounds.

 I am at the end of my rope with this situation. Something has to give. I am having revenge fantasies, I am not sleeping, and I am just a total stress case. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Steamrolled

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Steamrolled,

Well, this sounds awful. I am sorry for your terrible stress. It sounds like somehow your nemesis (let’s call her N) has bonded with people in power and is hell bent on edging you out. I think you might have had a chance to nip this in the bud back at the beginning, but once someone who values power over everything else has gotten the sense that they can get away with whatever they want, it is hard to roll it back. That doesn’t help you right now because you can’t change the past. But it might help you in the future to never again allow anyone to get away with this kind of nonsense.

Based on the facts as you laid them out, I think you have three choices in front of you.

1. Fight like hell. Sue for the creation of a hostile work environment. Speak to an attorney and find out what your rights might be, especially since you work in a different state from where HQ is. It wouldn’t surprise me if your company has a provision for complaints that says that forced arbitration in their home state is the automatic first recourse. So, find your employment contract, read it carefully, and make sure you are aware of the laws in the home state. I just attended our company’s mandatory training about the federal and state laws around harassment and it is clear to me that your boss and your HR person have allowed a hostile work environment. Having your bonus docked because of the actions of another person who didn’t consult with you is grounds alone. That is a critical error on your boss’s part. When compensation is affected, the issue becomes much more real and tangible.

I hope you have been documenting incidents, but if not, go back and re-create anything you can and start documenting everything now.

It is also worth noting that if the company is paying your coach, your coach is obligated to escalate to their HR contact your observations about your boss’s abdication of responsibility and the total lack of procedural fairness regarding your bonus. Many coaches are unaware that they are not protected by client/professional privilege, and your coach is putting themself at risk. The fact that neither the coach nor the HR contact has taken any steps to help you is a factor in your favor, because it sounds like the people in the organization who are tasked with maintaining a fair workplace have also abdicated. That is not unusual.

One caveat on this: Be aware that if there were an investigation, even your own team might not tell the truth because it would put their jobs at risk.

This choice will be exhausting and expensive, but there is a good chance your company would settle to make the whole thing go away. Companies who are still operating with an old boys’ club mentality tend to do that—it is amazing how many lawsuits companies manage to absorb to avoid changing their culture. It is a long shot, but a settlement would certainly help with college tuition.

2. Get out as quickly as you can. Contact some high-quality executive search firms and get yourself another job. Companies are desperate for highly skilled talent, and I can’t believe you wouldn’t find something great for yourself. It would be admitting defeat, which takes a lot of grace. It would probably not be satisfying to someone having revenge fantasies, but it is the most adult thing to do. It’s also the most expedient thing to do because it sounds like N has gained control of the narrative here and has the relationships.

You could do a combination of #1 and #2—get another job and then sue. It really all depends on how much energy you have to devote to revenge. I say move on and find a way to let it all go, because as has been noted by many (attribution is varied), “harboring resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.”

3. Just roll with it. Okay, this really isn’t a choice, but plenty of people do it. It is actually a recipe for a serious health problem. The toxic combination of responsibility without authority famously contributes to cardiac events, metabolic disturbances (like diabetes), and degraded immune systems. So as stressful as the other two options may seem, this is the one that could kill you.

You might wonder why I am not suggesting that you try again to get your boss and N to work with you to hash this out. Normally, this is what I would advise. The reason I don’t now is because you already seem to have tried everything. You might take one more crack at having a conversation—using some of the techniques laid out in this past post. You could ask your HR contact to set up mediation with a professional mediator, and demand that she be present at the meetings. But it sounds like your HR contact is asleep at the wheel or just straight up incompetent. It really does appear that you are on your own, my friend.

So, seriously?  Get out. Now. With your skills and experience you will get snapped up immediately. Get out there and get yourself another job. You won’t regret it. Your confidence has been shaken but you can get it back. Just let N win and save your sanity.

Is it fair? No.

Is it right? No.

It is just another day stewing in the human condition.

Remember that N has to wake up every day with herself—a power obsessed, lying cheater. She is sowing the seeds of her own destiny, which won’t go well in the long run.

Make 2022 the year you save your own life. You will be so happy you did.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a team of seasoned, expert professionals in a fast-growing global company. My boss has told me in no uncertain terms that my biggest priority in the next year is to develop my team and groom a successor.

My biggest obstacle is, although every one of my team members is very good at their job, not a single one of them seems to have any idea how to rise above their day-to-day and see the bigger picture. I’ll give you an example of how this shows up.

I recently gave one of my people—I’ll call her Sharna—the opportunity to present to our executive team, which my boss is part of. It didn’t go well. I laid out the requirements for the presentation, which was two weeks away. I gave her clear direction on what the ET would want to hear about and what and how to think about it going in. I offered as much support as I thought she would need.

The meeting was scheduled for a Monday afternoon. She sent me her initial draft the prior Friday afternoon. I gave her feedback over the weekend and she sent me her final deck a couple of hours before go time.

I knew it wasn’t going to meet the ET’s expectations, but it was so close to the meeting that I thought it would do more harm than good (in terms of her confidence) to get her to make changes at that point. I did provide a few comments and she made some last-minute edits, but there were still typos and some repetition. It wasn’t up to standard at all.

My boss was not happy—and he, quite rightly, blamed me. But Sharna is a seasoned professional and an expert in her field. She had delivered much higher quality work in the past, and I had no reason to think I couldn’t trust her. Did I really need to express to her more clearly how important the presentation was? I thought it was glaringly obvious.

This is just one example. I guess I am expecting all of my people to be able to understand things that I see as self-evident. How do I to get them to think more strategically? I have to somehow get them out of the weeds—but I don’t want to turn them into versions of myself.

My People Are in the Weeds

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear My People Are in the Weeds,

Oh dear, this is a can of worms. Essentially, the leadership competency you need to build is Developing Others. As Stan Slap has said (I am paraphrasing; he is so witty), most leaders would prefer to go where they need to go by themselves and then send a postcard to their people saying “wish you were here”—because it’s so much work and so time consuming to get people to see your vision and help them walk the path you need them to walk! The problem is you simply can’t do it all yourself, which is what your boss is trying to get you to see. You must shift from doing everything yourself to getting things done with and through others.

If your people could see what you see, they would have your job. It sounds like you might suffer from a condition I, too, have, which is that if something is obvious to me, I assume it is obvious to everyone else. Big mistake.

So you and your people all need to develop some new skills. On top of the 24/7 scrum of day-to-day work, it feels like a lot. Because it is.

For you, this will mean getting crystal clear about your expectations. And don’t stop repeating them until you see evidence that each person not only understands them but also has a plan to figure out how to meet them.

This will require patience and diligence on your part. Expect it to be tedious. You are addressing people who have been successful their entire careers because of their subject matter expertise and their ability to get things done. You are asking them to think differently and step out of their comfort zone, which takes practice. And it is scary for people when they are asked to try new things they know they aren’t good at.

To help them think bigger picture, your people need to understand what the executive leadership team is thinking about, their immediate concerns, the problems they are trying to solve, and the threats they see coming at the organization that are keeping them up at night. If your CEO is not sharing all of that intel regularly, it really is your job to relay anything you know to your team. The more you do that on a regular basis, the more your people will develop the habit of paying attention to how their job connects to the bigger picture. You just cannot expect them to tear their eyeballs away from their day-to-day tasks and look to the horizon unless you are directing their gaze there.

Regarding the presentation, I agree that the lack of thoughtfulness and preparation was clearly not where it needed to be. We all know that there is simply no substitute for preparation and time to iterate and practice. You might just get curious and check in with Sharna with some questions. Something along the lines of: “What happened? I expected more preparation and for you to allow time for iteration and you came in hot. Is there something going on I should know about?”

Is it possible she has an issue with presentation skills? Subject matter expertise is critical, of course, but taking into consideration who is in the audience, what they need to take away from the presentation, and how they prefer to consume information is a whole skill in itself. You might turn her on to the work of Nancy Duarte, who helps people master the art of using data to tell a story and shape information so that it connects to their chosen audience. She has multiple excellent books and workshops.

I hear your concern about not wanting to micromanage people so they simply parrot what you want them to say. I have heard this from many leaders. But here’s the thing: If people knew how to do what you want them to do, they would be doing it. So be specific about what you want, teach them if you have to, and stay alongside them until they can fly solo. They are still going to be themselves and bring their own strengths to the party as they get more comfortable with the task. Don’t worry about turning people into mini-me’s – it won’t happen, I promise.

You are obviously a pro, a high achiever, and a hard worker. You can do this if you think it is important enough.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am going to start a role in a new team soon. I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to seem confident and establish credibility.

I am on the younger side and I am not a very confident person to begin with. In my previous roles, I noticed that some people started talking down to me—for example, explaining things I already know or even taking credit for my work. I once told someone some ideas I had and during the next meeting, before it was my turn to talk, he shared all of my ideas as if they were his.

Do you have any suggestions on what I could do to avoid these situations? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Starting a New Role

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Starting a New Role,

Congratulations on your new role. Your question shows that you are a planner and that you are thoughtful—two strengths you have going for you. Your description of your previous experiences reveals that you are observant, which is another strength. The fact that you were once undermined by a co-worker who had no compunction about stealing your ideas and sharing them as his own is painful—but excellent—experience. I hope it taught you not to trust anyone until you have evidence that they are trustworthy.

A lot of appearing confident when you aren’t is physical. This means standing up straight, smiling and making eye contact with everyone you engage with, and maintaining stillness. Women, especially, tend to play with their hair, touch their face, or fidget with their accessories—a bag, jewelry, a phone. So don’t do any of those things. To keep yourself from movements that may signal discomfort, keep your hands loosely together in your lap or on a table and breathe.

If you feel yourself getting overly stressed, try two-to-one breathing: simply breathe in for three counts, hold for one count, and release the breath for six counts. Repeat. Or you can do two and four counts—whatever works for you. The research shows that this kind of breathing enables your parasympathetic nervous system to calm you down in a way that deep breathing doesn’t. And no one has to know you are doing it. Another benefit is that the counting occupies your mind and makes you appear alert and interested.

I would refer you to the work of Amy Cuddy, who wrote an entire book on Presence—and how the way you hold your body can actually change your brain, how you feel, and how others perceive you. Her research has been challenged—but I will tell you that I have experimented personally with her methods and they help.

I learned another technique from the autobiography of Laurence Olivier (the most famous actor of his day), where he describes how he suffered from almost paralyzing stage fright at the height of his success. The method he found that helped him overcome it was to feel the soles of his feet on the ground. I know that sounds weird, but I have had plenty of stage fright myself and it has worked. It literally gets you out of your head and back into your body.

The physical stuff is your first line of defense. The next step is to manage what goes on in your head. This is where your strengths will really help you. Use your powers of observation. Instead of second-guessing yourself, pay attention to others. Ask yourself what is important to each of the people you are interacting with.  How do they think? What are their strengths? The more you pay attention to others, the less attention you will pay to whatever doubts you may have about yourself. The more information you gather about everyone you work with, the more you will be able to tailor your communication when you interact with them.

Credibility will come with delivering the results that are required of you. So do everything you can to first get crystal clear on what your boss and teammates are expecting from you—and then deliver. Make sure to follow through on any commitment you make, and only make promises you know you can keep. Ideas are all fine and well, but execution trumps pretty much everything.

Don’t worry about what to say. It is better to keep your mouth shut until you have something to say that you are 100% sure of. And when you are ready to say something, state your position and how you came to it. Straightforward, simple, and to the point. If you must speak in meetings, again, keep it simple and to the point. And of course, you already know how to not share your ideas with anyone until you know you can trust that they won’t take credit for them.

I would question your assertion that people telling you things you already know is the same as them talking down to you. It’s possible these people are just trying to be helpful. I guess my point here is that you don’t need to make assumptions about people’s intentions. If people are telling you things you already know, all you have to do is smile and say “thank you.” If people are offering help you don’t need, all you have to do is say “thanks, I’m all set.” It doesn’t hurt to cultivate relationships with people who want to help you. We all need all the help we can get! Nobody reaches their goals or achieves their dreams by themselves.

Pay attention, take notes, deliver on expectations. Stand up straight, keep your hands still, and breathe. Trust no one until you know they can be trusted.

You are going to be great.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a great job that I love, with a terrific company. I kind of stumbled into it and felt really lucky to find a job that suits me, with people I respect and like.

I recently had a performance review and my boss made it clear to me that the sky is the limit for me in the company, including a shot at executive leadership in the long term. The thing is, I’ve never given any thought to moving up. I’ve just had my head down trying to do a good job without really considering what might be next. I’ve never seen myself as someone who might even manage people, let alone whole sections of the business.

This apparent lack of ambition might have something to do with the fact that I am an athlete and spend all of my free time training for ultra-marathons and triathlons. I don’t know if I can really do both—rise through the ranks at work and continue to compete as an athlete.

I have made a list of pros and cons (which my Dad recommended) and scoured the internet for help, but I am none the wiser. I’m not at all sure about what I want.

What are your thoughts on this?

Uncertain

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Uncertain,

How delightful to field a good problem! Because it is good; I am sure you know that. But that doesn’t mean it is easy or simple. This sudden vision of possibility will trigger some research and some deep introspection. The great news is that you have time on your side.

The traditional pros and cons list is useful to gain clarity on binary decisions—go/no go, do this or do that—where you have a lot of information. But this decision is not binary, it is extremely complex; and you don’t have nearly enough information. You need to learn not only about what is possible for you but also about who you are and what is important to you.

First: Gather information about what is possible for you.

How to do that? Start by collecting intel about what it might look and feel like to be a senior executive. The most expedient way to do this would be to identify senior people in your organization and ask for an informational meeting. It doesn’t have to take long. Most leaders are happy to be tapped for advice, and most people love to talk about themselves.

To help you shape an idea about what a day in the life is like for a senior executive in your company, try asking questions such as:

• What are your values? Over the years, what has been most important to you?
• Have you been able to stay aligned with your own values as you have risen through the ranks?
• What are your most and least favorite parts of your job?
• What has been most surprising to you about moving into executive leadership?
• How do you spend the bulk of your time?
• What does life/work balance look like to you?
• Have you been able to enjoy other things in your life outside of work?
• Where do you feel you have had to compromise?
• Do you have any regrets?
• What advice do you have for me?

Of course you are not the people you will be interviewing. That’s why it is so important to understand each person’s values. The more people you interview, the broader a picture you will be able to paint for yourself.

Second: Gather information about who you really are and what matters most to you.

It sounds like you are on the younger side, and God knows we are all a work in progress no matter what stage we are in. So whatever you identify right now will only be a start—but it will help you build and refine the answers over time.

I found a great model in one of my all-time favorite go-to books, aptly named The Decision Book: 50 Models for Strategic Thinking by Krogerus and Tschappeler. I cannot recommend it highly enough because it is simply an overview of a bunch of terrific models to shape our thinking around:

• How to understand yourself better
• How to improve yourself
• How to understand others better
• How to improve others

It contains almost all of the models I use with clients again and again.

Your first stop, I believe, will be the Crossroads Model, which comes from a consulting firm called The Grove. Here are the questions it proposes you answer:

• Where have you come from?
  • How have you become who you are?
  • What have been: main decisions, events, obstacles in your life; who are your influences?
  • Think about: your education, your home, where you grew up.
  • What are key words that strike you as important?
• What is really important to you?
  • Write down the first 3 things that come into your head.
  • What are your values?
  • What do you believe in?
  • Which principles are important to you?
  • When everything else fails, what remains?
• Which people are important to you?
  • Whose opinions do you value?
  • Who has influenced your decisions, who has affected your decisions?
  • Who do you like, who do you fear?
• What is hindering you?
  • What in your life prevents you from thinking about the important things?
  • Which deadlines are in your head and what prevents you from making them?
  • What do you have to do, and when?
• What are you afraid of?
  • List the things, circumstances, or people that cause you to worry and rob you of your strength.
  • What things, circumstances, or people make you worry?

Now look at your notes. What is on your list and what is missing? What is your story?

Study the roads that lie ahead of you. There are 6 examples. Imagine each one.

1. The road that beckons: what have you always wanted to try?
2. The road you imagine in your wildest dreams, regardless of whether it is achievable or not: what do you dream of?
3. The road that seems most sensible to you—the one that people whose opinion you value would suggest to you.
4. The road not traveled: the one you have never considered before.
5. The road you have already been down.
6. The road back, to a place you once felt safe.

You have your work cut for you, Uncertain. I am absolutely convinced that if you get a start on these two ideas, you will have a lot more certainty—not soon, but soon enough. You don’t need to rush. Make your plan, get going on it, take your time, and stay relaxed. Don’t listen to anyone who claims to know what your path should be. Do your due diligence and listen to your own inner voice, and you will know enough to at least take the next step.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently joined the executive team of my organization as an interim VP. I am pretty sure I will end up with this role because I have been getting great feedback and no one has the time or brain space for yet another search and hiring cycle. I love the job and feel that I am getting my head around it.

The executive team is a mix of both long-tenured guys who know the business but aren’t innovating, and go-getters like me. My problem is that there is only one other woman on the team—I’ll call her Jane—who, for reasons I can’t understand, behaves as if she’s everyone’s servant.

I have worked with Jane in the past and find her super competent, straightforward, and inspiring. I know many members of her team and everyone loves working for her. However, in executive team meetings, all of the VPs and EVPs treat her as if she is their administrative assistant. She has far more seniority than some of the others on the team, including an EVP. Detailed tasks that should really be taken by other individuals end up on her plate.

Just yesterday, one of the VPs (who has a reputation for being Teflon with responsibilities) actually turned to her and said, “I’m not very good at that. Jane, would you mind taking that ball and running with it?” And she said, “Sure.” I almost said something. I know how hard Jane works. I am confused as to why she is taking on tasks that really don’t belong to her. It’s clear she is being taken advantage of.

I want to convince her to push back and stand up for herself. It is driving me crazy. What to do?

Desperate to Help

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Desperate to Help,

I can see how that might be frustrating. I don’t know that I would have had the self-regulation to not say something. There are a couple of things to think about here.

First, you might want to wait until you are appointed to the VP role before you do anything to rock the boat. Being interim means you are still being closely monitored for fit to the team and making waves is not advisable. This doesn’t apply as much when it comes to your stances on strategic decisions—your peers need to see how you arrive at your positions, how you think, the extent to which you do your homework and are properly informed, and whether or not your values are aligned with those of the organization. But interfering with existing team dynamics is risky business. You will want to be in a secure position before you take that on.

Once you have the job for sure, confirm your read on the situation. See what you can find out about the history of team and how Jane got her VP role. Perhaps she actually started out as the secretary or executive admin for the team. Old habits die hard! It’s also possible she volunteered to be the task rabbit for everyone. Of course, neither may be true, but you just don’t know—asking Jane a few questions might be a good place to start.

If, in fact, it turns out none of this is true and the men have figured out Jane is a pleaser who will keep letting them dump a bunch of tedious work on her, the next step for you is to have a candid conversation with Jane. It isn’t your responsibility to save her from herself, but you can point out what you are observing—fresh eyes see dynamics that everyone else has become inured to. You can share your observation and then ask more pertinent questions.

I guess it is possible that Jane doesn’t mind. I find that hard to believe, but hey, each to her own. If Jane does mind, you could help her hatch a plan to start pushing back. She might want to have a separate conversation with each man on the team instead of causing confusion by abruptly changing her servile ways . You could help her rehearse what she might say. Setting boundaries is excruciatingly difficult for most people and impossible for some, so practice is important.

The reason we sometimes don’t set boundaries is that the only things we can think of saying are personal and judgy and could ruin a relationship. And then the moment passes, and that’s that—an opportunity to put a stop to shenanigans missed.

The key is to simply state the facts, free of defensiveness, blame, or judgment:

You can also be alert and ready to role model this behavior if somebody on the team tries to pull the same thing with you. It doesn’t sound like anyone has done this yet, but it can’t hurt to be prepared. People who habitually take advantage of others seem to have radar for those who will comply without fuss. I know several people—both males and females—who figure that if they can delegate, why not? So be ready. The first test will send the message that you are no Jane.

Many people are pleasers and love to use their skills to help others. It can be really tricky when people rise to executive levels and they are still getting the need to please met—it is a sure path to burnout. Whatever happens with Jane, it is ultimately up to her to decide for herself what she is and is not willing to put up with—and what, if anything, she can do about it. I appreciate that you are annoyed by what you think is a gross injustice and want to be a spokesperson for shifting gender dynamics. But in the end, all you really can do is make sure you are adding value and taking responsibility for your own relationships with members of the team.

Some battles just aren’t yours to fight. I am sure you have plenty of your own ahead of you.

I hope you do get the job.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

If you ask some people how they feel about their boss as a leader, they might say “It depends on what day it is.” Some leaders’ moods and behaviors are subject to things as random as their morning commute, the day’s financials, or whether they skipped breakfast. They can be relaxed and pleasant one day and snarling the next. I once worked with a company where a few managers who reported to a vice president confided in me that they never knew which version of the boss was going to appear. Sometimes the VP would be fun and other times he would attack. The managers even took bets on which one of them was going to trigger his wrath that day! Sound familiar?

When leaders show up in different ways on different days, direct reports can’t help but be confused. They don’t know what to expect from their leader or what their leader expects from them. This can be detrimental not only for the workers, but also for the leaders and their organizations in terms of employee retention—especially now during the “Great Resignation.” In fact, studies show that less than half of employees don’t know what is expected of them—and 75% of workers say the most stressful aspect of their job is their immediate boss.

A Proven Approach for Leadership Success

In his book The Leadership Engine, Noel Tichy proves through his extensive research that the most effective leaders have a clear, teachable point of view they are willing to share with the people they work with. These leaders know what to expect from themselves and their people so that, together, they and their organizations can succeed.

My wife, Margie, and I realized that leaders who identified and shared their leadership point of view had a crystal clear picture of their intentions as a leader. We were so fascinated with this approach that, along with our company cofounder Pat Zigarmi, we created a course called “Communicating Your Leadership Point of View” and teach it as part of the Master of Science in Executive Leadership degree program at the University of San Diego. 

Determining Your Leadership Point of View

When reflecting on and composing your own leadership point of view, focus on these three elements:

• Think of key people and events that have influenced your life and your beliefs about leadership
• Identify and define your values in terms of your leadership
• Detail your expectations of yourself and of others, as well as what others can expect of you

It’s important to take your time with this exercise. As you write, think of the effect sharing your leadership beliefs, values, and expectations will have on your people—how they will feel knowing you care enough to share your feelings about yourself as a leader. Good leadership is a side-by-side partnership. Communicating your leadership point of view to your team members gives them a sense of connection with you because it clarifies the leader you endeavor to be.

Following Up is Crucial

This point may seem obvious, but I believe it needs to be emphasized: great leaders must walk their talk.

After you share your leadership point of view, your people will be watching to see whether your behavior matches your words. Get ahead of this by giving them permission to give you feedback. After all, you have just finished telling them who you really want to be as a leader—now show them. Let them know you are accountable and want your actions to align with your values. Say something like “Now I need to ask you for your help. Even though I strive to achieve these standards every day, I sometimes fall short. Anytime you see me diverting from the behaviors I’ve just described, let me know. Your honest feedback will help me be more consistent in my leadership style so that I can be the leader you need me to be.”

Sharing your leadership story means your people won’t have to guess how you will show up each morning. You have stated in your own words the kind of leader you want to be and have given them permission to hold you accountable. It’s a powerful way to define and demonstrate your leadership style, to instill trust, confidence, and loyalty in your team members, and to strengthen your own feelings about yourself as a leader.

What’s your leadership legacy? How do you want to be seen as a leader? How do you want to be remembered? Your leadership point of view is something only you can give. It’s your signature—your unique perspective on leadership. Let your people know who you are.

Editor’s Note: Looking for more information on the Leadership Point of View process?  Visit the Leadership Point Of View information page on the Blanchard website.

In a perfect world, your leaders are inspiring, people know how to succeed, and everyone is engaged. In the real world, leaders are a source of tension, people aren’t sure what to do, and employees are disengaged.

A few distressing facts show how dysfunctional the typical office is

• 75% of workers say the most stressful aspect of their job is their immediate boss_[1]
• 54% of workers are “not engaged” and 14% of workers are “actively disengaged”_[2]
• 50% of employees don’t know what is expected of them_[3]

Leaders not understanding either their leadership points of view or how they affect others is a cause of these troubles.

Most leaders haven’t taken the time to reflect on their leadership values or how they want to lead. Because of this, direct reports have little insight into a leader’s motivations. This can leave them confused by their leader’s actions and suspicious of their intentions. Misunderstanding, lack of trust, and disengagement quickly follow.

But you can create a dynamic workplace with Leadership Point of View (LPOV): a transformative learning experience that takes leaders on a journey of self-understanding.

LPOV helps your leaders identify experiences that shaped how they lead. Blanchard coaches assist them in developing a compelling narrative that turns these pivotal events into a leadership story. Leaders then share their journey with their colleagues.

Sharing a Leadership Point of View is a deeply personal experience that wins the hearts of listeners. By being vulnerable, leaders reveal themselves and their leadership philosophy. People gain a new perspective of their leader and a better understanding of their motivations. A leader is freed to be more authentic and inspiring. Their people find a renewed commitment to working with them.

Several Blanchard leaders recently participated in the LPOV. We asked them to share their experiences.

What was your biggest challenge before sharing your LPOV?

Lindsay Ray, Senior Director of Client Services: Before discovering my LPOV, I had never taken the time to dig deep and really consider what life experiences have defined how I lead today. I get stuck in the trap of thinking “there is nothing that interesting about me,” so I had to do some real reflection. I felt a bit nervous and unsure about what the outcome would be. 

Diana Johnson Urbina, Head of Coaching Services: I tend to be action oriented. I make fast decisions, with the intent to test each idea. It’s rarely a final decision when I make one. Some of my people were struggling to believe this. They perceived me as dictating how things should be done, and I never intended them to feel this way. I was disappointed to learn that some had made these assumptions and I was frustrated with the resulting dynamics on my team.

Richard Pound, Vice President of Indirect Sales: People knew me, but didn’t know how I became the person I am. Sometimes, they didn’t understand why I considered something important. That could be frustrating to me and those that I work with.

What was your LPOV experience like?

Richard Pound: It was a discovery experience. I say “discover,” as your LPOV is already inside you, but the process I went through helped me surface, clarify, and articulate what is important to me as a leader. It helped me understand my core personal values and share the events in my life that have shaped me as a person and as a leader.

It was a very safe, supportive, and rewarding experience—and a challenging one because I had really dig deep to explore the experiences that made me who I am.

Diana Johnson Urbina: The experience I had with my coach was wonderful. It felt like a chat with an old friend about how I came to be the leader I am today. I was given an opportunity to share how my experiences shaped me and what I value. I was able to draw a clear line between my values and expectations.

Lindsay Ray: It gave my colleagues a frame of reference about me that they never would have had otherwise. It put language to my values, and gave me something to refer back to, especially when things at work are challenging. 

What changed after sharing your LPOV?

Diana Johnson Urbina: Everyone was so appreciative that I was willing to share and be so open and vulnerable. It helped them connect with me. Some of my team members who were guarded became more open and felt more comfortable with my leadership approach. I asked them, “Given my values and expectations, where are we aligned and where are we at odds? How can we navigate the gaps we have?” They felt comfortable to answer honestly.

Lindsay Ray: My people reacted very positively! Everyone was supportive, asked great questions, and was genuinely interested in learning more about me and my story. We felt closer because of it. Some of the stories I had shared only with the people close to me, so it was a big step to share them professionally. 

Richard Pound: My team had a better understanding of what to expect from me. They also knew what I would expect of them. This deeper understanding was extremely valuable. My people also really appreciated me showing that kind of vulnerability.

Sharing my key values was also helpful. People understood why I do what I do, and why I am what I am.

Because my people now had a much better understanding of my priorities, they are more committed to accomplishing things I consider important. I feel empowered to be a better leader. And being a better leader improves the lives of the people you lead.

Anything else you’d like to share?

Richard Pound: This has been an invaluable discovery process for me, and I see the real impact that it has had on the way that we work as a team. Going through the LPOV process with my work colleagues was also very rewarding. I learned more about them and built deeper relationships.

Lindsay Ray: It was thoughtful, deep, and inspiring to hear the story of others. Overall it was a wonderful experience! 

Diana Johnson Urbina: To sum up the impact it had,it improved psychological safety for my team. It gave them permission to be real. Now we all operate at a much more authentic and appreciative level.

How about you?

Ready to start your leaders on their journey of self-discovery with Leadership Point of View?  Visit the  LPOV information page on the Blanchard website.  Interested in learning more about the LPOV process from a first-hand experience?  Join us for a complimentary webinar on October 20, Creating and Sharing Your Leadership Point of View.  The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

[1] https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/organization/our-insights/the-boss-factor-making-the-world-a-better-place-through-workplace-relationships

[2] https://www.gallup.com/workplace/313313/historic-drop-employee-engagement-follows-record-rise.aspx

[3] fastcompany.com/90679528/i-spoke-to-5000-people-and-these-are-the-real-reasons-theyre-quitting

Dear Madeleine,

I am a smart woman with an impeccable work ethic. I get more done in less time that just about anyone I know. The “Exceeds Expectations” box is checked on nearly every dimension of my performance reviews over the last few cycles.

I have been a director in my company for a few years now, and last month I did not get the promotion to AVP that I expected. It is a running joke in the organization that we have so many AVP’s—as in, you have to really not be delivering if you don’t get there in a few years. That is certainly not the case for me, so I finally cornered my boss for an explanation.

He was obviously worried that he might say something wrong, so he beat around the bush for a while. But what I finally got is that apparently I am perceived as too young, bright-eyed, and enthusiastic—and I lack “gravitas.” I had to look it up. To be fair, I am young and I look even younger than I am. I am super extroverted, love connecting with people, and have been called “vivacious.” My friend group nickname for me is “Bubbles.”

I tried to get my boss to tell me what I should change to be considered for a promotion, but he didn’t have much to say about that. He just kept saying “You need to work on your executive presence.”

Where do I start?

Bubbles

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Bubbles,

I want a friend named Bubbles. How delightful you sound. I am sorry that your assets (looking young, having so much energy, being enthusiastic) are working against you achieving your career goals. It tends to be the case that our greatest gifts can have a dark side. I feel bad for your boss, hapless as he is, because this kind of feedback can feel so personal. Since some of it might be connected to your being female, it could also get him in hot water with HR. So he has left you to figure it out on your own. That is pretty common.

Gravitas, according to Merriam-Webster, means: high seriousness (as in a person’s bearing or in the treatment of a subject). Oxford says: dignity, seriousness, or solemnity of manner. Essentially, people with gravitas are seen as expert, experienced, believable, steady, and trustworthy. I have experienced women getting the “gravitas” feedback quite a few times. And yes, it does always seem to be women. Although God forbid that a woman be perceived as dour, humorless, or a party pooper.

I’d love to say “Go ahead and continue to be your authentic self—your brilliance and work ethic will eventually speak for themselves,” but I would be doing you a disservice. Perception of others is not necessarily a true reality, but it is nevertheless a reality, and it is keeping you from getting what you want and deserve. There may be some value in making the effort to shift it. Not in trying to change your nature—I would never wish that on you, and it usually doesn’t work anyway—but in consciously managing your behaviors at work to shift others’ perception of you.

The key is to identify behaviors that make you seem young, overeager, impulsive, or somehow not serious. Ask your partner and your wonderful friends “What do I do that makes me seem young, or not serious, or not believable, or downright annoying?” Promise them you won’t get mad. Your feelings might get hurt a little—but better to know now, don’t you think? It could be very illuminating.

Now choose a few behaviors you think you might be able to notice and stop. Start with one:

1. Notice when you do it.
2. Pay attention to peoples’ reactions.
3. Wonder: What might I do differently? How might I express my opinion, thought, excitement with a little less—bubbliness?
4. Consider what is the shift—from what to what. See some examples below.
5. Try on a new way. You will fail. You will forget. Keep it up and notice how the reaction of others changes.

Once you get a good hold on one behavior, move down your list.

I can rely only on my own perceptions of people who lack gravitas to give you examples of potential shifts. Maybe some of these will resonate.

Here’s the thing, Bubbles—the silver lining of this situation is that it won’t last forever. The beauty of age is that you will gain the benefits of everything you have learned and achieved, and no one will dismiss you for being too young. And when you are the boss, you can still rely on your good behavior habits but allow yourself a little more leeway. You can wear the funkiest glasses you can find. You can guffaw. You can show your tattoos. You can be completely and unapologetically yourself. You will get there—age leaves no one behind. And until you do, direct people’s attention to what matters most about you—your intelligence, your work ethic, your commitment to excellence, and your knowledge and skills.

Effervesce all you want with your friends and family. Fizz away with pals at work who already “get” you, on breaks, offline.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I got promoted about six months ago. My new boss, who used to be my old boss’s boss, is just not competent.

When I try to clarify priorities with her, she changes her mind so many times that I end up more confused than ever. She doesn’t attend meetings that she calls, so we all spend ten minutes in a flurry of emails and chats trying to figure out why the teleconference meeting hasn’t started. She also blows off one-on-one meetings. When she does show up, she talks endlessly about her personal life—she has a bunch of kids and one of them is always sick, or she is renovating her house, and we all have to hear the gory details. She never asks us about ourselves. She complains about how much everything costs, but we all know she makes a crazy high salary so we can’t imagine how she thinks we are going to feel sorry for her.

My former boss is now somewhat of a peer, although much more experienced than I am. I have tried to talk to her about this to get a reality check, but she really doesn’t see the problem. She just says, “yeah, (New Boss) is busy / she has a lot on her plate / she is usually very caring and clear.” She advises me to be patient, but I am not sure how long I can last.

I feel like a comedy routine on TikTok. I end every single workday thinking …

WTH?

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear WTH,

All of that hilarious material on TikTok came from someone’s real life. You’d think ridiculous bosses would recognize themselves and pause.

The way I see it, you have two avenues you could go down:

1. You can take your former boss’s advice and just be patient; or
2. You can bail and find another job, or look for another job and then bail when you get one.

I read nothing in your letter about how much you like the company in general, how inspired you are by the mission of the company, or how much you do or don’t enjoy the actual work or your coworkers. So you will want to take all of that into consideration. If you are generally happy with all of the above, there might be some value in hanging on and waiting for your boss to stabilize.

It is entirely possible that she is going through a bunch of personal stuff you don’t know about. Maybe she or someone she loves is suffering from a major health issue. Maybe her home renovation is driving her into debt (she wouldn’t be the first person to be driven to the brink by a home construction or renovation project). Or if she gives the impression one of her kids is always sick, maybe it’s true and the stress is more than she can handle.

My point is that someone you seem to trust has suggested you give your boss the benefit of the doubt. So you might just want to try that.

If you don’t like your work, your coworkers, or your company, there really isn’t much reason for you to stay, so you might as well start looking for another job. Keep in mind there’s a good chance you’ll get a substandard boss in your next job, too—there are so many of them. And there are far worse ways to be a bad boss. Maybe you’ll get a boss who is petty, mean, driven by unconscious bias, critical, or a nasty combo of all of those things. From what I can tell, yes, your boss is a flake, but she isn’t causing actual suffering.

If you do decide to stay, you will want to reach out to your coworkers to get clarity on priorities. That will help you clear up your confusion, which seems to be the thing that is really bugging you and causing most of your discomfort. Then I recommend you find a way to give your boss some grace until she can get her act together. The more you look for things to criticize, and the more you feed your judgment, the worse you will feel about your job.

You have choices here. You can choose your attitude. You can choose to learn from your boss how to be a better boss when it’s your turn. You can choose to be patient and find ways to help her out. You can choose to be kind, regardless of whether you stay or go. And who knows? You, too, may go viral with boss comedy on TikTok. It is all so funny, and things are funniest when they’re true.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of project and program managers responsible for keeping software implementations on track for a global company. I have five regional directors, each of whom manage about fifteen individual service representatives.

The frontline folks are highly skilled—their jobs require a lot of technical experience and real expertise. They are dedicated and hard working. The problem is that as our sales have taken off, no one seems to understand how much the volume of work has increased for my group.

My people are all working way too much and at all hours, because so many of our customers have teams in multiple time zones. A rep might have a 4:00 a.m. call, work all day, and then have another call at 9:00 p.m. It’s just too much. Things are falling through the cracks and we are not able to return some help calls in the prescribed short time frame. Salespeople are getting upset and accusing my folks of not being on top of things.

I think we need to revisit job design and fine-tune how we deal with the time zone situation, including hiring more people in more time zones. I have been researching how other companies are dealing with this and I have some good ideas.

My EVP’s idea is to roll out customer service training to all frontline professionals. That is the last thing they need as they are very service oriented. There is only so much one person can do. I think if we try to get our people to attend customer service training, they will revolt and quit. My EVP doesn’t get it.

I am a quiet person and get very nervous when I need to negotiate and take a stand for my point of view, which is what I know I need to do. I just don’t know if I can. What do you suggest?

Need to Negotiate

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Dear Need to Negotiate,

It sounds like you truly care about your people and understand your business. I understand how intimidating it can be to have to push back on your boss and make your case for a different approach.

You are right that asking your people to go through service training instead of redesigning systems to make their workload more manageable will not get the results your EVP is looking for. I know exactly what you mean, having had the experience of doing coaching skills training for overwhelmed groups who literally walked out because the training was so beside the point for them.

So, yeah, you do have to take a stand. Losing your skilled people would be disastrous for you and for the folks who remain!

Your first line of defense is data. Your EVP needs to understand the toll of the “24/7 Always On” situation. It is not sustainable. I’ll bet you have kept very good records of how much and when your folks are delivering to clients. The more you can clearly demonstrate the reality of what is going on, the more effective your negotiations will be. Use your data analytics to paint the picture in a way your boss can clearly understand. To do that, think about what language your boss speaks most easily. Some people speak Excel (just numbers), some speak Word (numbers with anecdotal evidence), and some speak PowerPoint (graphs and visuals).

Next, write up your ideas about job redesign. Present your two best options and compare the cost of each to the cost of irrelevant training. Be clear about where the ideas came from and be ready with evidence to support your assertions. Having everything down on paper, well thought out, and presented in a way your EVP can understand will give you a lot of confidence.

Nervousness can often be alleviated with proper preparation. Trying to make your case without all your ducks in a row would not be effective. Get your presentation together and practice it, preferably with another person or persons. Give your practice audience questions to ask and encourage them to ask other questions that occur to them so you are prepared for something that might come out of left field.

You can lean on how much you care about your people to help you overcome your nerves, too. Remember: this is about them, not about you.

Senior executives know what you are thinking only if you tell them—and it is your job to prevent disaster here. Nobody will appreciate an “I told you so” after the fact. So practice saying “this is my position on this, and here is how I got to it.” I am not saying this will guarantee success, but at least you will have given it your best shot.

If you really want to sharpen your negotiating skills long term, my new favorite book on that topic is Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference. I have been testing out some of his simple but effective techniques and I’m very intrigued. His material may not immediately make you a crack hostage negotiator (at least it hasn’t happened for me yet), but it could be a start.

This is your chance to lead. A lot of quiet folks think their predisposition to introversion will work against them, but I have not experienced that to be true. Yes, you have to work on your confidence. But you are well positioned to prepare with unimpeachable analysis and to take courage from your purpose to properly care for your people.

I’m betting you can.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director-level leader in a national insurance organization. The culture here is that things get done slowly, and only when everyone agrees with the change.

I have been tasked with spearheading a ton of change, which is desperately needed. I have not made any friends with my approach and my boss has told me that my “brand” is suffering.

Apparently, I am seen as arrogant—and I am arrogant, I guess. I am an expert in my field and I just don’t understand why people can’t just take my word for it when I explain what needs to be done.

My fiancée has pointed out that I get combative and defensive when my expertise is challenged. She thinks my ego is getting in my way. I concede that that might be true, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Would appreciate any ideas.

Ego is Getting in My Way

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Dear Ego is Getting in My Way,

You wouldn’t be the first to deal with this particular issue. The good news is that you are aware of how you have contributed to creating this situation, which is maybe the biggest hurdle. I worked with a speaking coach many years ago who said something I will never forget: “They won’t buy the message if they don’t buy the messenger.” It is just about as true an adage as I have ever heard.

Your first step is to adopt a little humility. Your ego might well be your problem, and it might be combined with a strong need for expediency or for being right. Probably both. That’s okay. Your needs won’t tank your career, but trying to get them met in a way that repels people will. Notice when your need is driving your behavior—and, if you have to, put your hand over your mouth to keep yourself from saying something that won’t get you the results you want. Ken Blanchard says, “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” Another brilliant adage. So instead of reflexively getting your own needs met, think about the needs of the people you have to influence. Almost everyone needs to be considered, heard, and respected. People often use the word arrogant about someone when they feel devalued by that person. So stop sending the message that you feel you are surrounded by idiots.

Now either create or nurture your relationships with every single person you need on your side. “Oh wow,” you might be thinking, “who has time for that?” You do. Because it is the only way you are going to be successful. Make a map of every single person you need and make it your mission to get to know them and to let them get to know you. In these days of social distancing it is harder than ever, but it must be done. If there are some folks located near you, set up breakfast, coffee or drinks meetings. Keep the focus off of work and simply get to know people. Years ago the NYTimes published a wonderful article called The 36 Questions That Lead to Love. (If you need a subscription to see that, here is another way to get to them.) You may think “What? What does this have to do with love?” Everything—because you actually really need to know the people you work with and they need to know you. Once people really know each other, they tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you can’t get together in person, do some “getting to know you” calls over Zoom. It will feel really weird and uncomfortable, but you just have to do it.

You will still be yourself. You may even continue to be arrogant. But it won’t bother people as much because they’ll see all the other stuff about you that makes you great.

People will assume you are an expert. You wouldn’t be in the job otherwise. So stop trying to prove it all the time. When you are challenged, listen carefully to the challenges, repeat them back so the person challenging you knows you have heard them. Show respect by taking concerns seriously and showing that you care about the person even as you might be thinking they have no idea what they are talking about.

One of the hardest things for leaders who are ascending quickly to understand is that being the smartest person in the room and being a champion problem solver is the ante to get into the game. The thing that keeps you in the game, and winning it, is relationships.

I’ll bet this is not what you wanted to hear. But I guarantee this approach will go a long way toward rehabilitating your brand.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a research organization. My colleagues are very well educated, as is most of the executive leadership team.

I’m not a scientist, a PhD, or a doctor. I’m a middle manager who knows how things get done and what needs to be fixed in order to improve a process. I have over thirty years of work experience and have received praise from research groups that appreciate what my team and I do to help them achieve success. However, all of this means very little when it comes to being taken seriously when I provide input on organizational changes that impact every group. 

Since I don’t work in a research department or have a higher position title, my group’s voices are rarely heard or included in strategic planning. As a result, plans are often created that don’t benefit the entire organization or that create significant resource strain (staffing and budgetary) on support groups. My team’s inability to influence means the organization never achieves its full potential, and that’s what frustrates me the most.

I’ve tried managing up, mentoring with leadership to influence change, and empowering others to take credit for our suggestions. I’ve been told repeatedly that the process works just fine. It doesn’t. Now I’m wondering whether it’s time for me to move on, or perhaps there’s another path I can try that will allow my team to excel and keep in step with the growth of the other departments.

I’ve put a great deal of effort into developing and improving my team. I know what these people are capable of and I know something has to change if I am to sustain this amazingly talented staff. The bottom line is that I really care about my team members and about providing them what they need to be successful and to thrive.

Stuck

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Dear Stuck,

This sounds awfully frustrating. You are seriously considering leaving an organization after a long and successful run, though, which makes my mind go in one direction.

You can choose to move on—but based on my experience, I think almost every problem you have right now will follow you to your next gig. I’m not saying you don’t have a real predicament here, and that it was partially created by others. However, you’ve also played a part in creating the predicament, even if it doesn’t feel that way. And the thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and beliefs that drive your behavior aren’t going anywhere until you can figure out what they are and how they affect your behavior. I suggest you start there and make some changes in your MO. If you still can’t make headway, you can leave, secure in the knowledge that you truly did everything you could have done.

The first thing I would challenge you on is the bit of chip on your shoulder. You blame your lack of influence power on not being at the same level as the folks you serve—but it’s possible that this is a story you’ve bought into. After all this time, you now feel like a second-class citizen. You will want to address that for yourself before you can shift the perception of others.

You have been told repeatedly that the process works fine, but you know it doesn’t. When you are dealing with a bunch of smart, analytical people, you have to speak to them in their own language and use their tools. If you need them to see exactly how the process doesn’t work, use their methods and language. If the current process wastes money, get the CFO and COO on your side by creating a spreadsheet that demonstrates the high cost of the current way of doing things.

You could also use the scientific method to show how the current process is a poor use of resources that’s leaving out big parts of the organization. The method would be:

• Ask a question. For example: Does our current way of making decisions about organizational change achieve the best possible outcome for all stakeholders?
• Perform research. If this sounds daunting, you might consider hiring an intern to do it. I know when I was working on my master’s degree, the biggest obstacle for most folks in my cohort was finding a compelling real-world project. This would be an ideal project for an IO Psych or Organizational Development grad student. I guarantee this is someone’s idea of a good time!
• Establish a hypothesis.
• Test the hypothesis by conducting an experiment.
• Make observations.
• Analyze the results and draw and conclusion.
• Present the findings.

Because you work in a research organization, it stands to reason that you could use the company’s methodologies to make a case for your point of view. You know—if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Another thought is to leverage the team you have invested so much in and have such high regard for. You could lock yourselves in a room and work through a Design Thinking process, which goes roughly through the following steps:

• Empathize: Understand the impact of the current problem and the realities that created it.
• Define potential outcomes.
• Ideate: Brainstorm and hunt down ideas.
• Prototype: Create an action plan to execute on the best idea.
• Test: Share the story and gain buy-in to try new things.

I think if enough high-level, smarty-pants types see your commitment to solving the problem as you see it, you could gain some support.

You have tried a lot of different tacks. If you really want to shift things, you will have to go way outside your comfort zone and try some things that feel risky. Go big and go bold. What do you think? What do you have to lose, really? Who wants to start all over somewhere new if you can get super creative and prove you are just as smart as anyone else at your company?

I’ve probably made you uncomfortable. If I have, that certainly wasn’t my intention. But I believe the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. So, blow it up and do something truly different. Then write a big article about it that gets published by HBR.

Can’t wait to read it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

As one of the first female F-14 Tomcat fighter pilots in the US Navy, Carey Lohrenz knows all about pressure. During her intense training, she learned critical lessons about navigating in the most demanding, high-pressure environment imaginable—the cockpit of an F-14 fighter jet. The genius of her latest book, Span of Control, is how she applies those lessons to everyday life and shows you how to do the same.

Lohrenz shares a process for managing uncertainty, stress, anxiety, and pressure to not only survive, but to thrive. The first step is to define the signs of crisis in your life so you can begin to take control. Once you are aware of what is causing the most stress, Lohrenz explains how to shift your mindset to focus on the most important things, define what you can and can’t control, and make better decisions. The last step is to create a personal action plan for moving forward that is based on a simple yet profound framework:

• Focus on what matters most by identifying your top three priorities and removing distractions.
• Formulate a flight plan for success by preparing, performing, prevailing, and never leaving success to chance.
• Communicate what’s possible and make sure it is concise, clear, and consistent.

Lohrenz offers powerful coaching throughout the book. One of her most impactful quotes tells us where to begin: “I gave up feeling like I had to be able to do everything right. I had to give up right for right for the moment.”

Span of Control is not only a great read filled with research and personal stories, it is a guidebook complete with step-by-step activities to help you take charge of your life. Be prepared to use the tools in this book to harness opportunities you might be missing and to take action. Give yourself the time to do the work Lohrenz presents, and you’ll navigate fear, ambiguity, and uncertainty to succeed in a difficult—or even chaotic—work environment.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Carey Lohrenz, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today.

For more information about Carey Lohrenz, visit www.careylohrenz.com.
To pre-order Span of Control by Carey Lohrenz, click here.

Aloha Madeleine,

I’m currently a Human Resources director in the hospitality industry. I believe right now, more than ever, our industry needs strong coaches.

What resources can you share to help me strengthen these skills through self-learning? Any suggestions you have would be most welcome! Mahalo!

Want to Be a Better Coach

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Dear Want to Be a Better Coach,

Well, thanks for asking. What a fun question. Where to begin? Why not with your greeting? I looked up the meaning of Aloha, because I had always heard that it meant so much more than hello or goodbye, and I found this:

“Aloha is an essence of being: love, peace, compassion, and a mutual understanding of respect. Aloha means living in harmony with the people and land around you with mercy, sympathy, grace and kindness. When greeting another person with aloha, there is mutual regard and affection. This extends with warmth in caring for the other, with no obligation to receive anything in return. The direct translation from Hawaiian to English is the presence of divine breath. The Hawaiian word alo is presence, front, and face, and ha is breath.

Choosing to step into the spirit of Aloha would be a very good place to start because it is so close to what I think of as the Coaching Mindset. The Coaching Mindset is the willingness to put yourself at service to someone else. As a discipline, coaching requires us to be aware of and manage our natural tendencies and to self-regulate to create an environment in which another can stay totally focused on their own thought process, enjoy new insights, and feel galvanized to take action.

So many people think that coaching is about giving advice or telling others what to do. What we know is that the best use of coaching is to develop people by evoking their own brilliance, connecting to their own motivation, and empowering them to take the action that will most likely help them achieve their goals.

If you ask 10 people, you will get 10 different definitions of coaching. Here is how we define it:

Coaching is a deliberate process that uses focused conversations that create an environment in which an individual will experience accelerated performance and development. It is a relationship between an individual, small group, or team and a coach, driven by specific objectives and expected outcomes. Coaching helps people identify and focus on what they can do to achieve their goals. It supports deep insights and promotes clear thinking and thoughtful, targeted action.

I highly recommend that even as you say you want to be a better coach, you define exactly what that means to you. Ask yourself:

• Who do you want to be a better coach for?
• For what purpose?
• What will you offer people as a coach?
• How will they know what to ask for and how to ask for it?
• How will you know you are successful as you improve?

We break down the journey to coaching competence as understanding and developing a coaching mindset, refining some key skills, and learning a solid, replicable coaching process.

• Mindset. What is your purpose as a coach? What are your natural tendencies, opinions, agendas/judgments, or core needs that will get in your way; for example: your need to be right, your need to show you have the answers, your opinions about the person or the organization, your tendency to interrupt? Are there any other habits that might get in your way?
• Skill Set. Much has been written about coaching skills, so I am not going to belabor that topic here. What I will say (that no one else really seems to be saying) is that the number one skill to work on is self-regulation. Until you master your natural tendencies to have the answer, tell people what to do, interrupt, and ask questions to satisfy your own curiosity instead of sparking insight for the other person, none of the other skills matter. The traditional skills are listening, asking questions, goal setting, challenging, and creating accountability. The ICF website has an exhaustive list of competencies.
• Process. There are many versions of coaching processes out there and most of them are fine. Don’t be fooled by any process that promises you a clean, linear path, because it will fail you. Humans process thoughts and feelings more like pinballs than arrows—you need whatever process you use to accommodate that reality.

Resources I can point you to? Yikes. The field is crowded and attracting new entrants every day.

I can’t honestly pretend that I don’t think our one-day Coaching Essentials training isn’t tops. (Hello? I am one of the authors.) I have been teaching coaching skills in organizations since 1995. I also wrote a book with Linda Miller called Coaching in Organizations. It is an oldie but it has a bunch of good, timeless info on process, skills, and all the different ways coaching can be leveraged in organizations.

There is a crazy amazing resource I love: The Library of Professional Coaching. It is a beautifully organized treasure trove for coaches at all levels.

Another organization to check out is WBECS—The World Business and Executive Coaching Summit. They host a coaching summit every year that offers extraordinary value to coaches at all levels. They invite the who’s who of the coaching world to present and share the latest topics of interest and it is very high quality stuff.

There are a bunch of different associations for coaches, and I am familiar with only one: The International Coaching Federation. It is the biggest and oldest, and it has the greatest reach. If you decide to do a full coach training program (which I recommend long term if you love it), make sure you do one that is accredited by the ICF.

I am buried in books on coaching. There are so darn many, but my current faves are:

• Coach the Person; Not the Problem by Marcia Reynolds
• Michael Bungay Stanier’s two books, The Coaching Habit and The Advice Trap. Those two books are so good I wish I had written them. That is about the highest praise I can think of.
• An oldie that I just took off the dusty shelf and am still impressed by is Coaching Questions: A Coach’s Guide to Powerful Asking Skills by Tony Stoltzfus.
• One of my blogs from 2017 has more info on books, including some recommendations from our Blanchard coaches: 9 Books on Coaching that Coaches Need to Know About

And that’s just to get you started, heh heh.

In short, start with the spirit of Aloha. Then shut up, listen, and inquire to spark insight (theirs, not yours). You will be amazed at the magic those few steps can create.

So “Noʻu ka hauʻoli”—Google tells me that means “the pleasure is mine.” You are most welcome. And Aloha to you!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a client services manager at a new cancer center in Lagos, Nigeria. I have just had my six-month appraisal with the CEO. Along with my responsibilities, I have been helping my CEO with her calendar and all other duties.

During the appraisal, she said she wants me to be her executive assistant. I was shocked. She said I get her, I understand her needs, and we work well together.

I went home and thought about it. It feels like it would be a demotion. The fact that I have been able to manage her calendar and do all her personal things well does not mean I want to be her EA. She has now told HR to look for someone that will work with me till I move to the EA position.

I enjoy working with customers. That is what I did for seven years at another hospital before moving to this hospital. But staff members here have always referred to me as her EA, even before my appraisal, and I don’t like that at all.

My CEO always gets what she wants but I don’t think I am cut out to be her EA. I already know what I may have to do but would like your perspective before I make a final decision. I don’t like the way this feels and I am not happy.

New Role Feels All Wrong

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Dear New Role Feels All Wrong,

This falls into the category of “No good deed goes unpunished,” doesn’t it?

So, the first order of business here is to have a frank conversation with your CEO. It is nice that she appreciates your skills, but not so nice that she doesn’t seem at all interested in what you want. So you had better tell her, and soon. Possibly offer a compromise—to train someone else to be her EA since you seem to be so good at it. It can be very tricky to stand up for yourself and for what you want, but you will regret it if you don’t. I guess there is a chance that your CEO will simply fire you for not doing exactly what she wants. But if you are forced into a job you don’t want, you will be looking for a new job anyway, right?

There is another possibility here. Your reflex is to consider the move a demotion. That may be an assumption that you could check out. It can’t be all bad to work hand in glove with the CEO. You might parlay the move into the opportunity to be more than an EA—perhaps to be the CEO’s chief of staff. According to Wikipedia, the definition of this role, in general, is that a chief of staff provides a buffer between a chief executive and that person’s direct reporting team. The chief of staff works behind the scenes to solve problems, mediate disputes, and deal with issues before they are brought to the chief executive. Often, the chief of staff acts as a confidant and advisor to the chief executive, and as a sounding board for ideas.

That would be a promotion. It could be very interesting and engaging, and also could give you a wide scope of responsibility and influence. It might be possible for you to achieve. So instead of saying no, explore the possibilities provided by the fact that your CEO clearly finds you capable, competent, responsible, dependable, intuitive, and easy to work with. Who knows what might come of that? Also, there is the matter of salary. Would yours be cut? Or would you make more? Does it matter? It generally does to most people.

If it turns out that the job change really is a demotion, take a stand to keep your current job. If that isn’t an option, you’ll have a choice to make. What you don’t want is to be forced into a situation where you feel victimized and resentful. That won’t be sustainable for long. Worst case, you stay in the job for years and become more and more bitter, which will take its toll on your mental health, your physical health, and your entire life.

Excellent client services managers for medical centers are always in demand. If that’s what you want to do, take a stand for yourself, speak up, and tell the truth respectfully but clearly. You have some agency here. I encourage you to exercise it.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

It’s hard to believe it’s been more than a year since the world was blindsided by a global pandemic. Millions of people are mourning losses due to COVID-19: family members, friends, and colleagues who have died; businesses and jobs that have been lost; savings accounts that have been depleted. Almost everyone has experienced some form of loss, whether it’s canceled weddings, graduations, and family events, or not being able to visit relatives—or even hug friends.

Acknowledging the worst parts of the past year is difficult and necessary. But it’s also important to see the upside of how things have changed from the way they were a year ago.

The Marvels of Video Conferencing

The past year was a turning point in the way much of the world does business. We had no choice at first—businesses were shut down, people were quarantined at home, and nobody was flying, so we needed to get more familiar with meeting online. The technology was already there; we only had to jump on and ride!

I love being able to sit down and get on a Zoom call today instead of packing a suitcase and getting on a plane. Walking downstairs is a great way to commute! I can talk with hundreds of people at once without leaving my chair. I’m available to drop in on training sessions to chat with participants whenever I’m asked. If a salesperson has a client who might want to meet me, I can sit in on a meeting with the CEO or the whole leadership team. Last week I was in a meeting with a salesperson in England and a client in Ireland. The next day I was on with one person in Italy and one in South Africa! I can spread myself around so much more efficiently now, which helps our sales team, serves our clients and our learners, and doesn’t require me to travel beyond my home office. That’s a win-win-win.

Because so many of the folks in our company work remotely now, our teams can meet more often because it’s much easier to get everyone together virtually. I’m seeing and getting to know people who work with us that I’ve never had a chance to meet—and they are getting to know each other better, too.

Of course, moderation is in order even with this miraculous technology. As the months have gone by, we’ve been hearing more about “Zoom fatigue,” where people get burned out by back-to-back video meetings. I like the solution of scheduling meetings for 45 minutes, not 60, so you aren’t logging into one meeting right after another. If you combine this approach with microbreaks, it could go a long way toward combating Zoom fatigue.

Even if it’s not yet a perfect science, video conferencing seems to be the best way to go for many organizations right now—and I’m not sure that will change anytime soon.

The Virtual One Minute Manager

The same technology that enables you to meet with clients and teams can be used to manage your direct reports. This is especially helpful if you’re not in an office and able to practice “Management By Wandering Around”—a technique originated by the Hewlett-Packard Company in the 1970s. When Spencer Johnson and I wrote The One Minute Manager^®in 1981, we made the practice one of our title character’s management habits, although we never used the phrase. In our original book, the One Minute Manager “never seemed to be very far away” from his people, so he could observe their behavior face to face and catch them doing things right. In 2015 when we wrote the updated edition titled The New One Minute Manager^®, we acknowledged the fact that managers were no longer always in the same place as their people. And since the advent of COVID-19, of course, remote workers are far more common.

So, what’s the virtual equivalent of Management By Wandering Around? As a manager, make sure you set One Minute Goals with your direct report so you’re both clear on expectations. Stay informed on data and performance relating to those goals, and regularly schedule virtual one-on-one meetings with them. When your direct report does something right, call the person or schedule a quick Zoom meeting to give a One Minute Praising. If you notice them moving in the wrong direction, use the same method to contact the person and help them get back on track with a One Minute Re-Direct.

The Upside of COVID-19 on Home Life

At the time I am writing this, the United States and many other countries are moving quickly toward vaccinating people as soon as possible. My wife, Margie, and I feel relieved that we have had both of our vaccinations. We are eagerly looking forward to the day when we can once again open our offices to our colleagues, have friends and family visit us at our house, and do what I miss the most—hug people. Like most others, we have had to give up some enjoyable parts of our lives to stay safe. Yet we’ve been appreciating the simple pleasures around us. Here are some examples:

Bonding with pets. Margie and I have noticed over the years that our little dog, Joy, has always seemed happiest when we’ve taken time off from traveling. She just loves it when we are home with her. You may guess that Joy has been ecstatic for more than a year now. She is also a big clown and can always cheer us up when we start feeling down. If you are a dog lover, you know how therapeutic dogs can be. Last year when people realized quarantine was going to go on for a while, there was a surge of adoptions at shelters all over the country. So many people were adopting pets that a lot of shelters ran out—I remember the news reports showing all the empty cages. It was a beautiful sight.

Watching movies. We’ve been having a lot of fun watching old movies—some favorites we had already seen several times and some new ones recommended by friends. It’s an enjoyable way to spend time together, whether the movies are good or bad.

Enjoying socially distant, outdoor gatherings. Last summer our neighborhood held a socially distant “block party.” We all brought our own chairs, food, and drinks. We wore masks, sat at least six feet apart, and had interesting conversations. Even at a distance and with masks on it was wonderful to see our neighbors and even meet a few new folks. We are looking forward to doing it again now that spring is here.

Appreciating the great outdoors.  Margie and I have been getting outdoors more often—walking with our dog, Joy, or golfing almost every week at our local Par 3 course. Anything that can get you out of the house and into the fresh air is a good thing. Going for a walk is good mental and physical therapy and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Practicing Kindness and Gratitude

The pandemic isn’t over, and we’ll all need patience until it is. One way to cope is to focus on the good that’s come out of this challenging year—not an easy task. As author and philosopher Eric Hoffer wrote: “The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”

Meanwhile, let’s be kind to everyone we encounter. We don’t know what they may have gone through in the past year—or what they may be going through now. Let’s keep sending out thoughts and prayers to people we love and continue reaching out to help others who have suffered great losses or illness and are still hurting. And let’s not forget to be grateful for the blessings in our lives.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your article called Terrified about Doing a Presentation at Work? and I am writing to see if I can get some help.

I have spent 23 years in the IT industry and am still nervous about presenting. I have challenges remembering the right words during the presentation. I tend to rush and get it over with. I get the feeling the audience is going to attack me. I’m also fearful of running out of time. What if I can’t answer a question?

I have a tendency to say yes to everything. I don’t like to beat around the bush; hence, my communication is more direct. I have lot of energy, which is a problem because I get excited and it increases my anxiety. I get stressed out if I am tasked to do a presentation alone but if I am a co-author and co-presenter, I am a bit more comfortable. 

I attended a few Toastmasters sessions, but those are generally for speeches that are prepared and rehearsed. I can do five-minute speeches with no problem. But doing a tech presentation is a challenge because there is so much detail involved. I am also thinking my age could be the cause of my inability to remember things.

Still Anxious

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Still Anxious,

I hate to say it, but you may always be nervous. Some people just never get comfortable with presenting. I still get incredibly nervous when I have to present, and my husband does, too. We call it the Wave. The Wave starts the day before. You just have to ride the nerves until the moment you start, and then leave it behind. I almost never sleep the night before a big presentation.

The fear won’t kill you. The key is to not let it control you.

Based on what I hear from clients, people who have trouble presenting think it should be easy because some people make it look easy. Don’t be fooled. It is isn’t easy for anyone who cares deeply about being organized, coherent, and useful. It is a ton of work.

Let’s start with remembering the right words. To me, this is all about preparation and rehearsal. As you say yourself, in Toastmasters when you are prepared and rehearsed you have no problems. So when you know you are going to have to present, take the time to work on your slides. Walk through them at least 3 times, speaking the points out loud. (Doing it in your head doesn’t count—you don’t hear how well your language works unless it is out loud.) Figure out the key points as you go. My memory is hopeless and always has been, so I print out my slides three to a page and write the key points next to each slide.

Because you get yourself into such a muddle, you might want to prepare handouts for each person in the audience. This gives people something to look at other than you and it gives you a way to provide in-depth answers to questions you anticipate without having to remember every little detail.

If you are going into a meeting where you know you will be asked questions, but you aren’t presenting per se, it will serve you to:

• Consider who will be in the meeting and what questions they are likely to ask. If you look back, you will see there is a pattern to people’s questions. You may not be able to prepare for all of them but I’ll bet you are better at anticipating than you realize.
• Prepare by writing up the questions you anticipate, along with the answers.
• If someone asks a question you aren’t prepared for, and you aren’t confident about answering, just name it and claim it. You are allowed to say something like “That’s a good question that I hadn’t anticipated. Let me think on that. I’ll do a little research and email everyone the answer.”

I think part of what has you so worked up is that you think you have to have all the answers, perfect, all the time. You can let that expectation go. You’re only human.

Preparation and rehearsal will also help you to manage your concern that you might run out of time. The best way to help yourself is to break your presentation down into shorter sections with Q & A at the end of each section. Your prepared presentation should only take about 55% of the time you have so you’ll have plenty of time for questions. The worst case is that you will have time left over—and nobody minds that.

Is this time consuming? Indeed. And you are going to spend all that time obsessing anyway, so you might as well spend it preparing, which will lower your anxiety by 100%.

You mention that you have a lot of energy and get excited, which adds to your anxiety. Managing energy is half the battle for many. It would probably help you stay on a more even keel if you were able to release some energy before a high-pressure meeting. Take a walk or a jog, do yoga, practice meditation—whatever calms you down. Exercise tends to really help with that. A few other little tips will help you as well:

Having too much energy is so much better than not having enough. Talking too fast is better than too slow. Just stay focused on others, and on your material.

Now let’s talk about your anxiety. You say it causes you to rush and to be overly direct, and that you fear you literally might be attacked. I once worked in an organization where it was a badge of honor if you could make someone else cry. What a crazy place to work! I mention this because my question is: what evidence do you have that you might be attacked? Is your concern rational because it actually happens that people attack each other in these meetings? Or is it irrational—just your anxiety talking? If it is a norm in your organization that people attack each other, I think you just have to be prepared. Think of yourself as a warrior who is prepared to defend yourself, and remind yourself that you aren’t going to die. You know who the bullies are and probably can predict how they will attack you. You can come to the meeting with a prepared handout just for those people.

If it is really just your anxiety, it’s good to remind yourself of that as well. You must find ways to calm yourself down. Right now you are anxious about being anxious, which causes your brain to release adrenaline and cortisol and then more of it. Your autonomic nervous system gets highjacked and makes you feel like you are going to die. The best way I know to stop the spiral and calm down is to use your breathing. You don’t have to be a meditation master. You just have to pay attention to your breath and be intentional about it.

Try this:

On a count of 3, breathe in through your nose. Release the breath on a count of 6.

Repeat at least 2 more times, or as much as needed.

I learned this from my daughter who has taught it to her 13-year-old students. If they can do it, so can you. It works. It short circuits the fight-or-flight response in the brain and helps you get hold of yourself.

Okay. Now allow me to yell at you for the ageist attitude about your memory. Cut it out. It isn’t age. It is that you have too much stuff in your head and you have run out of room. That’s my story and I am sticking to it. But seriously, come on. You really do have a lot going on, so if you are having trouble remembering a ton of technical detail, write it down. Have it on your phone, your tablet, or print it out. Just lower your standards about needing a brain like a supercomputer and take care of yourself.

I know a lot about this—I have always had a very odd memory. I can remember the name of a client’s childhood dog but not where the client worked. So I developed memory aids long ago, in high school, and I still use them. I feel bad for people who have always had an amazing memory but now have too much to remember and no coping mechanisms. So start writing notes to yourself. Keep a book or journal. Whatever you need to do. And stop calling yourself old.

Prepare. Rehearse. Breathe. Repeat. You will be okay.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Have you ever thought about how elite performers achieve their level of accomplishment? Steven Kotler has—and in his latest book, The Art of Impossible: A Peak Performance Primer, he shares what he has learned from decades of research into the exploration of human possibility.

Kotler believes everyone is capable of achieving the extraordinary, and he shares how to do just that in this inspirational book. He defines impossible in two ways. Capital I Impossible stands for paradigm-shifting breakthroughs, such as breaking the four-minute mile, moonshots, and the more recent Mars landing. Lowercase i impossible stands for the limitations we place on ourselves, such as thinking we can’t get that dream job, can’t change a living situation, or can’t overcome a challenge.

The fascinating truth is that both capital I and lowercase i impossibilities are quite possible to achieve by following the blueprint described in Kotler’s book. Devoting our time and efforts to achieving the lowercase i impossibilities can sometimes lead to accomplishing the capital I Impossibilities.

Kotler covers in detail the four skills that guide performance. He explains that motivation is the skill that gets us into the game, learning is what helps us continue to play; creativity is how we steer; and flow is how we turbo-boost the results beyond all rational standards and reasonable expectations. The Art of Impossible is filled with tips, techniques, tactics, and strategies along with a framework for tying everything together. Kotler even provides a checklist for daily and weekly activities.

So if you are committed to improving your performance, Kotler provides the playbook to guide your efforts. All you need to do is to follow his instructions and be ready and willing to do the work!

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Steven Kotler, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. 

For more information about Steven Kotler, go to www.stevenkotler.com, or www.flowresearchcollective.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to director of contracts and compliance at a global staffing organization. I have a great team, I seem to be well regarded in the organization, and I get along well with my direct boss and his boss, who is the regional CEO.

I am often tapped to lead or be part of special projects and am often consulted on issues that aren’t part of my remit. I never say “no” to anything because I worry that I will be seen as not contributing enough. I am haunted by the feeling that I just lucked into this position, and one day someone is going to realize I am really not that smart and I will be summarily fired.

My wife—a child psychologist, who you would think would be more helpful—laughs at me and tells me I have this fear because I never graduated university.

I know I need to get better at saying “no” to things so I can concentrate on my job, but I just can’t seem to get over this feeling of dread. What do you recommend?

Never Enough

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Never Enough,

You, my friend, have a classic case of Imposter Syndrome. I estimate that 7 out of 10 extraordinarily successful people I have coached have suffered the same way, so you are definitely not alone. The official research statistics are all over the place—but there has been plenty of research. I have noticed this condition can be particularly acute among people who don’t tick every box on the “expected achievements” list for the position they occupy—so your lack of an advanced degree is probably exacerbating your paranoia.

Here is a short TED talk that describes what Imposter Syndrome is and how to combat it.

The way I have always worked on IS with clients is to ask them to do a reality check. The first step is to ask yourself:

• Have I received an official notice from my boss that I am not meeting performance expectations?
• Have I ever lied about my qualifications and been afraid of being found out? (This one is a doozy—I once worked with a client who had lied about graduating from college and was, in fact, found out. It was embarrassing, but she kept her job.)
• Have I received performance feedback that leads me to think I am failing at my job in some way?
• Can I point to evidence that leads me to think others suspect I am not worthy of the job I have?

I suspect the answer to all of the above questions is no. If so, then, as I always say, stay focused on reality and let it go.

I recently came across a piece in a book that I think is worth sharing: My Friend Fear by Meera Lee Patel. Patel defines IS: “The imposter syndrome is the fear that our achievements aren’t deserved, that underneath our progress and success we’re actually fraudulent and unworthy. When we receive a raise or promotion at work, we believe we simply got lucky—it couldn’t be that our efforts and determination finally paid off.”

But Patel said something else I have never heard or read before:

“While this particular fear will do everything in its power to dismiss your successes, it also highlights your most intimate wish: to be a caring parent, a successful writer, or a trusted friend. The imposter syndrome affects those of us who wish to be of value—not because we are ego-driven, but because we want to believe we have something to offer.

Our doubt comes from our desire.

When you feel the imposter syndrome coming on, invite it to sit beside you. Close your eyes and feel the waves of self-doubt vibrate through your bones. Slowly, let them soften and subside. Watch carefully as the guilt your feel outlines the things you care about most in this world, and feel gratitude for your ability to discern what makes you feel alive. This is not easy work, but it is essential. Like all other fears, the imposter syndrome has two faces: one that can help and one that can harm. Which you choose to see is up to you.” (Pg. 87)

 I agree. Fear is data, and we can let it control us or we can interpret the data and choose what to do with it. It is amazing how common this syndrome is. The key is to not let it stop you. Fear is always there—you can depend on it. So you might as well make friends with it and take the gifts it gives not as truth but as an indication of what is most important to you. You can notice the fear, seek to understand what it has to offer you, be grateful for it, and put it in its place. I worked with one client who kept a small box in her briefcase . When she felt overwhelmed by her IS, especially before big presentations, she would take the box out, put her fear in it for safe keeping for the duration of her big moment, then take it out again and thank it for its attentive patience. It 100% worked for her.

Right now you are letting your fear—which is fueled by your desire to be a great manager and corporate citizen—control you. You are allowing it to push you to say “yes” when you know you need to be saying “no.” It is costing you; and if you allow it to continue, it could cause you to be so overextended that your job performance suffers and voilà: self-fulfilling prophecy.

Please don’t let that happen.

I am not saying you shouldn’t take on cool value-add projects that are interesting to you—it’s just that you can’t accept everything simply because your fear is saying you must. Again, a little dose of reality can be useful. Some questions to ask yourself when invited to a new project:

• Is this irresistibly interesting to me?
• Is there something important for me to learn by joining this team?
• Do I have something to add that nobody else can bring?
• Will I meet new and interesting people that will expand my network in the organization?
• Will joining this team attract the positive attention of people who can be advocates for me in the organization?
• Will I really have the time to devote myself to this project without my actual job performance suffering?

I would submit that you will want to be able to answer each of those questions with an unequivocal YES before allowing yourself to even consider accepting another invitation. I mean, seriously, I suspect your job is full-time enough. And even then, consider limiting your projects to a low number—like 2. A year. Max. Or better yet, take some time off and use that time to sit with your fear, make friends with it, and convince it that it is not the boss of you.

And tell your wife to be nicer. Your suffering isn’t funny, and she could at least try to empathize. Just saying.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

We all want to achieve our professional dreams, but a lot of stuff can get in the way. Often, we label that stuff as a blocker to success, whether it’s an external factor (e.g., no time, no money, lack of resources, an ongoing pandemic) or an internal factor (e.g., don’t know enough, not enough influence, not feeling ready). These blockers—or constraints—can really get us down and be used as a crutch for not realizing greatness or achieving our goals.

But is the constraint real or assumed? Internal factors—that negative internal dialogue, that excuse, the blame game, the internal swirl—often are assumed. There are ways forward. And there are skills you can master to help get out of your head and get out of your own way.

For instance, let’s think about influence and power. In The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Self Leadership program, participants learn how to develop the mindset and skillset needed to become proactive self-starters who know how to ask for direction and support, solicit feedback, and sell their solutions. A key concept is to become a proactive self leader who can identify and activate your points of power.

Yes, you activate! You look for where you have influence and power and find ways to harness that energy for the greater good. Here are descriptions of the five points of power:

1. Position Power: When you hold a position managing people or controlling resources.
2. Personal Power: Your character, passion, persistence, charisma, and wisdom, enhanced by interpersonal skills like being a persuasive communicator.
3. Task Power: The ability to help or delay the completion of a task.
4. Knowledge Power: Having expertise or skills in a particular area. We’re all good at something, so we all have some form of knowledge power.
5. Relationship Power: This comes from associating with others—having a mentor or champion or being a personal friend of someone in power.

Where is your power? What can you do that others cannot? Take a moment and outline your strengths in each point.

One word of encouragement: don’t be timid about claiming your points of power—especially when your intention is to help others and bring good into the world. I hope you’ll find the exercise to be uplifting. Success awaits!

PS: Want to learn more about becoming more proactive in determining your success at work? Check out information on a new 6-week Self Leadership Online Collaborative Course to develop a self-starting mindset so you can take the reins, achieve your goals, and accelerate your development.

About the Author

Britney Cole is Associate Vice President, Solutions Architecture and Innovation Strategy at The Ken Blanchard Companies. With more than 15 years’ experience in organization development, performance improvement, and corporate training across all roles, Britney brings a pragmatic and diverse perspective to the way adults desire to learn on the job.

Most companies want their employees to continue to grow and develop because they know employee growth benefits not only the individual but also the organization. For example, how would productivity change if an employee became a more effective communicator or learned to manage others using a coach approach?

To foster employee growth and development, organizations often enroll people in training or provide them with a coach. What they don’t do enough of, however, is encourage the managers of these employees to support that growth and development. 

This type of manager involvement is often referred to as stakeholder engagement. Simply put, the leader is paying attention to their employees’ development. Stakeholder engagement does not have to be time consuming or difficult. And it’s been documented that when managers are involved, it’s much more likely that an employee’s training and coaching will meet or exceed desired outcomes.

Why stakeholder engagement?

Stakeholders are in a great position to provide helpful feedback to their employees. The employee can use this valuable data to determine their development goals and how those goals relate to the organization’s needs. Additionally, stakeholders can:

• Encourage the employee to share their learning objectives to make sure the two parties agree on the work the employee should focus on. Then together, they can align the employee’s development goals with organizational objectives to increase the impact of the learning. This not only maximizes the employee’s effectiveness but can also increase their overall contribution.
• Provide insight and suggestions for improvement and behavioral change to the employee and help them understand the manager’s vision for their role.
• Emphasize the organization’s level of commitment regarding the employee’s development.
• Recognize whether or not the employee is invested in their own development.
• Encourage the employee to invest more effort in pursuing learning opportunities.
• Hold both themselves and the employee accountable for the employee’s development goals.

Manager involvement before training or coaching

When stakeholders get involved early, they can help direct the course of an employee’s learning—it can be as simple as the leader recognizing and acknowledging the developmental work the employee is taking on. More often, however, it involves the manager facilitating a conversation with the employee before training or coaching begins. During this conversation, manager and employee can discuss:

• The organization’s key goals, objectives, vision, and values
• The employee’s key initiatives and how their role fits into the overall strategy of the organization—linking the employee’s development to the organization’s purpose and desired outcomes
• The way employee performance is evaluated and how it ties into business metrics 
• The stakeholder’s thoughts on the employee’s goals with the goal of agreement on skills the employee needs to achieve specific results. They can then work together to consider how the employee’s actions impact the employee, the manager, and the organization.
• Potential gaps the training or coaching might be able to close that will enable the employee to improve and maximize the value they bring to the organization.
• The employee’s Individual Development Plan (IDP), if they have one—or, if not, manager and employee may discuss how to create one. It’s always a good idea to have a written plan defining employee development objectives. At the end of the conversation, the IDP serves as a contract between employee and manager that outlines what they will do together on further development.

Manager involvement after training or coaching

At the end of training or coaching, stakeholder and employee can review:

• Key concepts from the training and how to use them to be more effective going forward. Help make the concepts come alive by linking the learnings to the employee’s strategic and organizational objectives.
• The employee’s IDP and how the learnings might align with, enhance, or change their development plans. Discuss specific actions the employee is going to take, including timeframes and deadlines.
• Having ongoing conversations about the employee’s IDP and their new learnings. There is so much value in having regular development discussions; don’t let this be “one and done.”

These conversations are extremely important. They not only engage the manager with the development process but also begin to assign some ownership to the manager for the eventual level of development achieved by the employee.

Employee development is everyone’s responsibility

The reality is that an employee’s growth and development is the responsibility of the whole organization. Stakeholders getting involved can provide a big return on investment without being time consuming. Many stakeholders are motivated by their own participation because they feel they are contributing not only to their employee’s development, but also to their own success. When this happens, it’s a win for all!

Are you a stakeholder who could increase your involvement in your employees’ development? Or perhaps you are an employee who could benefit from more attention from your manager regarding your development? I hope this post has given you some ideas for getting started!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been reflecting on 2020 and have just read the document with my goals for the year. I may laugh someday, but right now I am sad and demoralized. I accomplished literally not one single goal I had set for myself in 2020.

I wanted to lose some weight and get in shape. Nope. I joined a gym around the time of the shutdown and was so gung-ho that I paid for the whole year up front. Who knows what happened to that money?

A couple of my goals required money, which I am making a lot less of now than I was a year ago.

I had some developmental activity goals for my kids, but now I am just glad they are still alive after being quarantined at home, with me trying to work and them doing online school.

My partner and I had big plans for a romantic vacation—that’s off the table now.

I am thinking of just letting myself off the hook for 2021. Do you think that is a bad idea? Or is it smart? I really feel like just…

Giving In             

__________________________________________________________

Dear Giving In,

I found my goals, too! But I did laugh, because I am in pretty much the same boat as you and I have already cried a lot.

So here’s the thing, Giving In. Think about all the stuff you did accomplish that you hadn’t planned on achieving at all: You still have a job! You haven’t hurt your children! You and your partner are still together! These are all massive wins, my friend. If you had seen what was coming and your only goal had been to survive it, you would be feeling pretty great about your goal setting right now. So I think you must let yourself off the hook for 2020—you and the rest of the world.

Now, what about 2021? I say don’t give in, because here is what we know about goals: under normal circumstances people who set goals and write them down simply achieve more than those who don’t.

But the wisdom of good goal setting also tells us that our goals have to be realistic. I’ve always seen good results—for myself, my teams, and my clients—when goals are a bit of a stretch, but not ridiculous. We never really know what the future will bring, so you can only set goals with your current reality in mind. Ask yourself: what does my heart long for that I could take some steps toward right now? Find something you can actually do with just a little focus and the support of your partner, friends, colleagues, and kids. Maybe it’s a fitness routine you can do at home. I got through this year using Aaptive, an app that offers all kinds of workouts for folks at all levels. Maybe it’s walking around the block three times every day. Or maybe there’s something you could do with your kids at the end of online school every day. Given that nothing will be all that different for a while yet, setting an achievable goal will undoubtedly make you feel more optimistic and hopeful.

I would recommend this, however: Set one goal. Only one—but one you can crush. Leave the long list for another time. Or never. The biggest reason people don’t achieve their goals is that they have too many of them. There isn’t much research to support that assertion, but I am 100% convinced it is true based on my experience. Let’s tell the truth about what it takes to just get through the day, adulting and behaving yourself, paying the bills on time, showing up for work and speaking in complete sentences, and making sure dinner will happen somehow (cereal counts). Then let’s throw a pandemic on top of it and all bets are off.

You will probably need to mourn the dreams you had for 2020. It’s okay to be sad. But making some headway on a new dream, a dream that makes sense in light of our current reality, will give you a sense of control, autonomy, and mastery that will set you up to be ready when the world shifts back toward what we once thought of as normal. And history does teach us that it will shift.

So make a list of what you accomplished that you hadn’t planned to. I’ll bet it is really long, and something to be proud of. Be as sad as you need to be for the losses of 2020. And then get moving toward something you really care about that has deep meaning for you. Enlist help from anyone who can help you. It will make you feel better, I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

2020 was quite a year and it was certainly reflected in the questions Madeleine received from her readers. Here is a list of the top five most-viewed columns. They tell a story of the year we’ve been through. Madeleine will be back next week with a new year of questions from well-meaning managers—possibly yours?  Best wishes for the New Year!

Feeling Anxious? Ask Madeleine

An early March column at the beginning of the pandemic when clients were canceling bookings and executives were calling emergency meetings to try to figure out a course of action. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feeling-anxious-ask-madeleine

Health Concerns about Working Instead of Staying Home? Ask Madeleine

Another early March column when business had slowed but some owners insisted managers show up for work and serve the few customers that were still coming in. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/health-concerns-about-working-instead-of-staying-home-ask-madeleine

Feel Like Your Team Is Losing It? Ask Madeleine

An April column where a manager thought getting everyone set up with the technology to work from home would be the biggest hurdle. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feel-like-your-team-is-losing-it-ask-madeleine

Less People, Same Amount of Work? Ask Madeleine

A July column where a reader expressed concern about how to successfully redeploy people to the busier parts of the business after furloughs. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/less-people-same-amount-of-work-ask-madeleine

Time to Move Beyond “Winging It”? Ask Madeleine

An August column from a senior leader who admits to “basically winging it” and wants to do better. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/time-to-move-beyond-winging-it-ask-madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Today’s blog covers the promised Part Two from last week’s blog post. If you missed it and want to see the whole letter and the context, click here.

Here’s the part of the letter, signed Paralyzed, that I am addressing today:

“I asked my manager to tell me what she thought the most critical thing was for me to focus on and she told me she thinks I have trouble making decisions. She is right. I have friends who tell me I am wishy-washy. My partner agrees. I agree. I am a data geek and I like to be able to look at things from all sides before making decisions. The problem is that this approach doesn’t work when time is tight—which is always.”

Dear Paralyzed (Part Two),

There is a vast and constantly growing body of research and scholarship on the art and science of decision making. Entire classes and books are devoted to it. I’ve tried to boil it all down, but you can be 100% certain that I have left something out. My aim is not to review every possibility but to offer useful advice, tailored to where you are in your development (early career, high potential, being considered for promotion).

Here are some thoughts:

It is a personality trait—and you are getting a core need met: Folks with a very specific personality type are more attached to accuracy than the rest of us. As a self-described “data geek,” you may fit this profile—which means you may have a need to be right. The more complex the decision and the less clear the alternatives, the more your need to be right will hamstring you.

If you think this might be the case, you will have to get that need met in other ways and detach it from decisions that have to be made quickly. You must literally practice moving ahead even though you might be not quite right, or even wrong. How on earth to do this?

Try making some low-risk decisions without enough data, to build your tolerance. Get used to the discomfort. It will never go away because the decisions only get bigger with the jobs. Here is the silver lining: although you are aware of the drawbacks of being a poor decision maker, the opposite problem—making decisions without sufficient thought or information—can cause just as much damage, although it often is seen as a strength and corrected way too late.

It’s a habit: Consider that your wishy-washiness is less a character trait and more of a habit. Habits are notoriously hard to break, but even good habits can outlive their usefulness. Try to notice when you are defaulting to habitual waffling and choose another tactic. When the risk is low, just roll with your first gut response and see how it goes. If you think this might be your problem, learn more about habits and how to break them, from Charles Duhigg, here.

You don’t have a system to make good decisions: Oh dear, where to start? There is so much interesting stuff on this topic, and boy, did I go down the rabbit hole. To save myself (and you) from going completely off the rails with this, I went to one of my all-time favorite resources: The Owner’s Manual for the Brain by Pierce J. Howard. I hate to recommend 1000-page books, but, since you are a geek, it might be your cup of tea. I was introduced to it by one of our company’s resident geniuses, VP of Applied Learning Dr. Vicki Halsey—and as a social neuroscience devotee it is a go-to resource for me. Chapter 26, “Creating Leverage: Brain-Based Decision Making” is worth the price of the book (and the weight) all on its own. In his Concern Analysis Flowchart (Fig. 26.3, pg. 704), Dr. Howard recommends a few methods to get you started:

• Mind Mapping: I am a huge fan of this technique because my thinking style is so wildly random that it Is almost impossible for me to think anything through using linear reasoning. Using a mind map helps you get all relevant thoughts on a piece of paper at once and then put them in order. This way, you can tease out the most important details and the relative importance of everything else. It also helps you make connections you otherwise might not have seen.
• Pareto Analysis: The Pareto Principle (also known as the 80/20 rule) is the idea that by doing 20% of the work you can generate 80% of the benefit of doing the entire job. Using it to analyze your items when making a decision might help you quickly discard the less relevant items. The mindtools website has massive amounts of material on decision making, among other useful topics, that you can data-geek out on at your leisure.
• Fishbone Analysis: This method originated with the Total Quality Management method. It is also known as the cause-and-effect diagram or the Ishikawa method. This tool helps organize your thinking around the root cause of a problem.

You simply struggle with self-doubt: Don’t we all? Okay, some people don’t, I guess, but I haven’t met them. The more practice you get at making decisions, the better you will get at it. Success will breed success. A couple of actions you can take right now to decrease your doubt are:

• Know what you know and what you don’t. Consider literally reviewing what you know—about your departmental activities, your entire organization, your industry—on a regular basis. In reviewing, you might uncover some gaps you need to fill the whole picture. The more you stay on top of what is going on around you, the more prepared you will be to pull your thoughts together quickly.
• Build your expert posse. You can’t possibly know everything all the time, but you can know who to go to for what. Identify the people around you who are as geeky as you and who have a depth of knowledge on topics that aren’t your specialty. Build relationships with each of them, enough to ensure that they will answer your text in a hurry when you need them. Offer your own expertise when they need it. As we say at Blanchard, “None of us is as smart as all of us.”
• Know your waterline. It is easy to get paralyzed by the fear of risk when you aren’t entirely sure what the consequences will be. So you need to know exactly where your decision-making authority reaches its limits. You need to know the tolerable mistakes you can make on your own, compared with those you have to escalate because they could sink the ship. In other words, you must know where the waterline is and which decisions could affect the soundness of the whole boat.

I learned this concept from my husband, Scott. He was blown away by it when he worked with W.L. Gore & Associates, where it is one of their company values. They define it this way: “We are all shareholders, and we will consult with the appropriate Associates before taking an action ‘below the waterline’ that could cause serious damage to the long-term success or reputation of our Enterprise.”

Sit down with your manager and establish where your waterline is—which consequences are acceptable, if imperfect, and which consequences will cause big problems. This concept will serve you well when you start managing people.

The wishy-washiness part is fun for you: I have a dear friend who agonizes over the menu when we go out to dinner together. It is maddening. She is a wildly successful professional who, though thoughtful and deliberate with big decisions, does not, thank God, belabor them. But her menu scrutiny would delay our order and, thus, my dinner. She finally noticed my annoyance and called me out on it. We discussed it and uncovered that, as a true foodie, she enjoyed the process of examining every item on the menu and discussing its possible merits, while I was simply hungry. We devised a solution: I would quickly order an appetizer when we sat down so that I could manage my blood sugar. She, then, would be able to take her time savoring her options. My point? You have to recognize when you can indulge your desire to go deep and savor the moment, and you can’t.  Do it when you can, enjoy it.  Cut to the chase when you have a tight timeline.

I know, Paralyzed. This post was too long. I hope I haven’t made you sorry you asked. I had an awful lot of fun coming up with your answer, though, so for that I thank you. Remember: you are going to be just fine. Einstein (no dummy) said “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” And Winston Churchill said “Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.”

So geek on out with these ideas, and then go forth and be decisive. You will absolutely make some mistakes. It is the only way for you to grow and become more valuable to your organization. You will get smarter and braver, and be well on the way to fulfilling your very high potential.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Trying to land your first job or find your dream job? #ENTRYLEVELBOSS—part memoir, part playbook—lays out an easy-to-follow plan that will get you on the right path quickly. Based on her personal experience, Alexa Shoen has developed a nine-step process for approaching your job search that will set you apart from all others.

Shoen begins by identifying 14 incorrect beliefs about how employment works, then challenges you to reconsider your assumptions. The world is changing rapidly—and traditional techniques for job hunting just don’t work anymore. Shoen provides the information you need to create a new mindset about finding a job. She then explains her proven methodology with step-by-step instructions, task lists, and examples that worked in real life—her life.

Before you start the job search process, you must answer these three questions:

1. What kind of role do you want?
2. Where are you physically going to get hired?
3. Which industry do you want to work in?

Sounds like common sense, right? But we all know that common sense isn’t commonly practiced. Shoen warns that if you don’t start with the answers to these questions as the foundation for your effort, you will easily be sidetracked, distracted, and tempted into the old trap of blanketing the market with your resume and hoping for the best. That isn’t a strategy—it’s a waste of time.

This book is a fun read, and it delivers a carefully considered system to follow. If you use it, you’ll feel like you have a coach by your side throughout the process!

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Alexa Shoen, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. For more information about Alexa Shoen, go to www.entrylevelboss.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I am in a high potential program at a large global company and am being considered for fast track promotion. As part of the program, everyone did a battery of assessments. I have learned all kinds of things about myself, my strengths, my preferences, how others see me, etc. It has been enlightening and has left me a little overwhelmed.

I asked my manager to tell me what she thought the most critical thing was for me to focus on and she told me she thinks I have trouble making decisions.

She is right. I have friends who tell me I am wishy-washy. My partner agrees. I agree. I am a data geek and I like to be able to look at things from all sides before making decisions. The problem is that this approach doesn’t work when time is tight—which is always. It is impossible for me to formulate an opinion when I’m asked to share in meetings. I tend to shut down and say nothing, especially when I am with upper management.

My lack of decision-making skills is jeopardizing my chances to be seen as promotable. And now that I am hyper aware, I seem to getting worse—not better.

Paralyzed

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Paralyzed,

You are going to be just fine. Assessments are totally overwhelming under any circumstances. When it feels like the results could be used to make decisions about your career advancement, it can feel particularly threatening. But you have a bunch of things going for you:

1. You were chosen to be part of the high potential program. Don’t forget this. I’m not sure where you got the idea that this one issue is jeopardizing your promotability, unless you have been told this directly. I have to ask you: Is this a story you are telling yourself? If it is, cut it out. Yes—work on this, but for goodness’ sake, take some of the pressure off.
2. You have a manager who is paying attention and willing to be honest and will help you.
3. The problem you are having with decisions is much easier to fix than the opposite problem. I know it doesn’t feel that way. But it is much easier to gain confidence in your own thinking than it is to try to be less impulsive and self-assured.

You are actually dealing with two separate issues here. One is you need to speak up more in meetings, the other is you need to get more comfortable with making decisions. They are not the same thing. I will deal with the first issue today and take up the second issue next week. These are big, common issues (and I have been told my blogs are too long).

The fact that upper management wants to see you speak up in meetings means they actually want to know how you think and that you are willing to put yourself out there. No one expects you to solve the problem or have all the answers. They just want to see that you can contribute. You are obviously bright and competent enough to hold down your job and be chosen for a hi-po program, so really, just how far off can you be in your thinking? What are the chances that you are going to say something so devastatingly boneheaded that you will tank your opportunities? I say, low to zero. So before the next meeting, try doing a couple of things:

• Prepare. Most of us are moving so fast that we come into meetings with almost no idea what the meeting is even about. You cannot afford that luxury right now—and a little preparation will pay off big time. Pay close attention to what the meeting is about, read all of the pre-reading material, have a pre-meeting with anyone who you think knows a lot more than you, and dig around and do a little extra research on any topics you aren’t up to speed with. If you find a recent, interesting, and relevant article, podcast, or infographic, bring it to share with everyone. You will worry that people won’t like it, or will think it isn’t interesting, or will judge you in some way. Don’t. Your peers will envy you and everyone else will be impressed that you prepared and cared enough to bring something that you thought would add value. Almost no one will actually follow up (click the link, read the article, or listen to podcast) anyway. Most people have the attention span of a sand flea and will just remember that you showed up with something of interest.
• Show up early, breathe deeply, stay calm, and feel your feet on the floor to stay present and grounded. I mean, literally, feel the soles of your feet inside your shoes and how they connect to the floor. It is an old trick to combat stage fright that I read about in Laurence Olivier’s (considered one of the great actors of the 20^th century) biography. I have used it ever since, as have hundreds of clients. It is brilliant. It gets you out of your head (a noisy, crowded, scary place) and into your body (a much quieter place). This will provide the additional benefit of helping you access your gut feelings, which can be very wise. Recent research has established that our gut has a direct neuron circuit to the brain, so gut feelings should not be discounted.
• Greet each person as they come in for the meeting, and remind yourself that each person, regardless of seniority, is just another human being who is paying no attention whatsoever to you. They are thinking about their own problems, what others think of them, what groceries they need to pick up on the way home after the meeting, or their troublesome teenager. Not you. I promise you, this is true.
• Keep your attention on the matter at hand. Every time your attention wanders over to yourself, swat it back to what’s going on in front of you. Your mind has been trained to be focused on you and you need to untrain it. Paralysis comes from obsessively focusing on yourself. Shift your attention.
• Take notes in the meetings. Jot down any ideas that float across your mind, and all of your questions. When you are called upon to speak, you can always float a question. When someone asks for your opinion, be ready with: “I think I probably need to know more, but based on everything I have heard so far, I would consider_________.” Or even, “I agree with Marcy, and here’s why.” Remember, no one expects you to be 100% right, or to be the person who comes up with the whole solution or plan. They just want to know what you think right now. This tells them that you are, in fact, thinking, that you were prepared, and that you are paying attention.

This will get you started on the “showing up in meetings” challenge. Next week, we will talk a little more about actual decision making and how you might be able to speed up your process.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been on sick leave for the last few months. Before that, I worked as an essential medical worker—administrative, not patient care—in a big city. It was intense. We had big refrigerated morgue trucks in the parking lot, and it felt like no one who was not in medicine understood quite how crazy things were.

I did, in fact, contract COVID and was sick, but I recovered fairly quickly. I am now on sick leave because of a chronic condition that I now realize was very much exacerbated by the stress of my job—and by the fact that my former boss was really, really mean.

I was told before I went on sick leave that I was being let go from the job that I had, but would be eligible to apply for other jobs in the hospital. I am not worried about finding a job. I am really good at a very narrow specialty and there are few people who can do what I do. But now that I’ve had some time to step back a little, I realize how awful my boss was to me. He was a bully who believed that my condition was all in my head and I just used it as a ploy to get sympathy. He even made fun of me in staff meetings. I laughed it off at the time, but now I see how wildly inappropriate his behavior was.

Now I’m wondering about myself. What on earth is it about me that allowed that ugliness? Am I just a victim? And how do I prevent that in my next job? Should I even try to go back to the hospital? Should I confront the bully? I keep going in circles and not getting anywhere. Any ideas you might have would be welcome.

At a Crossroads

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear At a Crossroads,

Well, wow. I am always amazed at what people are capable of. Look at what you have been through, At a Crossroads, and yet here you are picking yourself up off the floor and getting ready to fling yourself back out there. My hat is off to you: your resilience, your courage, your clarity about what happened, and your self-awareness and willingness to wonder what part you might have played in how things went down.

Let’s get you out of circles and moving toward some action, shall we? I’ll address your excellent questions in order:

What on earth is it about you that allowed that ugliness? Are you just a victim? I ask: Indeed. Are you? Only you can tell, since you would have to look at your history. Has this ever happened before? If yes, is it a pattern? If yes, then you definitely will want to find a good therapist and take a good hard look at what is going on and how you can break the pattern. If no, this is an isolated incident, it’s possible you never really noticed how messed up things were because there was so much other crazy stuff going on.

Adults who are targets for bullies tend to be people who stand out because they are super competent, nice, and a little isolated. But most important, they don’t draw boundaries or fight back. You can read about another situation here. Many bullies will cease and desist when the person they are picking on simply says something like, “Are you serious right now?” or “That really hurts my feelings,” or “Wow, that is just mean. Are you trying to be mean?” Some people who are perceived as bullies are, in fact, bad people—but some are simply oblivious and have no idea how their behavior impacts others until someone calls it out.

How do you prevent this kind of thing in the future? If this isn’t a pattern, you are probably going to be fine. You will have your spidey sense up in the future and it will never happen again. You can certainly vet your next boss by asking questions about their leadership style and what is important to them. And you can also not accept a new position until after you have interviewed others who work for the potential boss.

Should you try to go back to the hospital? If you think you can stay out of Mr. Meanie’s way, sure. But think about the big picture. If you start from scratch, you will be able to research culture, training programs, and leadership development programs of different hospitals to find a place where leadership matters. Also, you can check out things like location, pay, benefits, and opportunity for advancement. Why not go for your perfect job? Or, if everything at your last position was perfect except for your boss, why not go back?

Should you confront the bully? Maybe. You would have to decide what you want to get out of it. Most fantasy scenarios never play out in real life. If you think your bully might be open to hearing feedback on how his behavior impacted you, it might be useful. But you will want to prepare really well. Some thoughts on that here. But honestly—why bother? It isn’t your problem anymore, and it doesn’t sound like you owe the bully anything. Giving feedback is a gift. I will only do it if it’s my job. No good deed goes unpunished—and, in this case, that will almost certainly be true. Perhaps you want an apology? You would need to ask for one directly, and even then, it is a long shot. If it is closure you want, you might consider writing a letter outlining your experience. Write it out point by point—what happened and how it made you feel. Then you can decide if you want to send it. Just writing it will help you get it out of your head, and hopefully let it go. The carefully crafted, heartfelt letter that is never sent is a beautiful recovery tool.

One note about your condition. Is it possible you would qualify as someone with a disability so that you would have protections in the future? It might be worth looking into. And if your condition is brought on by stress, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that you would be well served to explore stress management skills; meditation, mindfulness, prayer, yoga, exercise, getting a pet. All proven to help people reduce stress.

Sail on, At a Crossroads. Take care of yourself and go forth and find your perfect spot where you can do your special job beautifully for a nice boss who appreciates you.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

The quest for high performance may be at an all-time high. With the COVID-19 pandemic turning things upside down, some people are struggling to get through the day—but others continue to thrive. How do they do it?

Brendon Burchard’s best-selling book High Performance Habits offers many answers to that question. Through extensive original research and learnings from more than ten years of being the world’s leading performance coach, Burchard has identified the six most important habits for improving performance at home, at work, and in your community.

The habits Burchard encourages everyone to build include:

1. Seek clarity. Have a clear vision, consistently set intentions for who you want to be each day, and focus on what is meaningful.
2. Generate energy. Learn to release tension while setting intention. Bring joy to your daily activities and stay physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy.
3. Raise necessity. Understand what you need to do for yourself and others to remain motivated. Build a network of peers who will support you.
4. Increase productivity. Determine the outputs that matter most to your success. Develop the skills that will help you perform at a higher level.
5. Developing influence. Ask others to challenge themselves to perform differently. Be a role model for that behavior.
6. Demonstrate courage. Learn and grow from your struggles, share your truth, and fight a noble cause for others.

Burchard describes specific practices you can begin immediately for each habit. He stresses that although these practices may be common sense, they are not commonly practiced—so it is critical to make a commitment to using these tips and techniques to start your journey to long-term success and fulfillment. He suggests people focus on one practice at a time to recognize how significant each change can be.

Each chapter is filled with thought-provoking exercises to help you integrate the six habits into your routine, and encouragement to focus on the things that will make a big difference right away. Putting it simply, this is a guidebook for people who want to get control of their lives and experience true joy. The real-life examples of people who have overcome struggles by using the practices are evidence of how powerful this work can be. They offer proof that you, too, will be able to positively impact every aspect of your life.

Burchard shares a beautiful mixture of science-backed data and heart-centered strategies to help others live a better quality life. After applying just a few of his suggestions, you’ll notice a difference—and understand how extraordinary people become that way.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Brendon Burchard, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. For more information about Brendon Burchard, go to www.brendon.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I just started what is probably the last decade of my career. I am settling into a new role after being promoted to an EVP spot that reports directly to the CEO. Sometimes I sit in my office at home—although at some point it will be a nice office on the executive floor—and I feel completely stuck about what I should be doing.

I had big plans before I stepped into this role and all of a sudden I can’t remember any of them. I could do a million things, but I know I should be thinking, planning, and strategizing. The problem is that those activities don’t feel like work to me and I keep worrying that I am not doing the right things.

My CEO just keeps saying to hang in there and I will get the hang of it—but I am in a state of paralysis. Thoughts?

Not Getting the Hang of It

Dear Not Getting the Hang of It,

In my experience, this is one of the hardest leadership transitions of all. You spend your entire career doing tasks and being rewarded for doing them well, and now all of sudden everything you have been rewarded for is the domain of the people you lead. And you are left to do—what, exactly?

The first thing to do is forgive yourself for being at sea. It is a completely predictable and natural response. Can you? It can be hard to do after having felt so competent for so long. Once you do it, you can adopt the beginner’s mind. This could be defined as the act of intentionally letting go of expectations and noticing your situation with fresh eyes and an open mind. Take a deep breath, go for a long walk, and consider these questions:

• What advice would I give to a friend in the same position? (This will help you remember your big ideas.)
• What do I bring to the table that the company and my teams need most? (This will remind you why you got the job.)
• What is required that only I—because of my strengths, experience and position—can do? (This is how you will choose what to focus on.)
• Who can help me with this? (This will generate ideas for thinking partners and potential mentors. The more of these you have, the better off you will be.)

Then write it all on a big white board, a piece of flipchart paper, or a legal pad. Or use your favorite technology (forgive me—I am still addicted to paper).

It might be helpful to read our white paper on The Leadership Profit Chain. Our research reveals a key distinction between strategic and operational leadership and what is required of each. Ultimately, it is your job to see the whole playing field—how things look from the top, how things get done at your level, and what results need to be generated by your whole area. Pretty much every industry will require you to stay on top of industry innovation as well as what your competitors are up to. And, let’s not forget the nimble innovative disrupters who are coming for your market share!

Here are a few suggestions to jump start that to-do list:

1. Make sure you are 100% crystal clear about the strategic objectives your CEO has articulated. If you are in any way unclear, clarify with your CEO.
2. Decide exactly how your area can and will support those objectives. You will probably want to involve your immediate team to help you hammer that out. The more you involve them, the more they will buy into the final plan.
3. Make sure you have the correct leadership below you who can accomplish what they need to accomplish. Jim Collins’s research in Good to Great says you have get the right people on the bus, in the right seats. What he doesn’t say is this: to do that, you have to get the wrong people out of those seats—and, in some cases, off the bus. The simplicity of the concept belies the complexity of the execution. Simple? Yes. Easy? Not so much.
4. Ensure that each of your people has the necessary resources to accomplish what they need to accomplish. In short: They know exactly what needs to be done, what a good job looks like, and who they need on their teams, and they have the right budget and tools.
5. Spend some of that thinking time getting clear and putting into writing your vision for how your area should operate. What do you expect of people? What can they expect of you? What is non-negotiable, and where can people color outside the lines? Don’t expect your people to be mind readers. Make explicit anything that is currently implicit or that you think is obvious. Your people need an operating manual for how to navigate you as their boss.
6. If you haven’t already, create solid relationships with your peers. Get to know how they think and what is important to them. Understand their objectives and make sure no one is working at cross purposes. The more you can support your peers in helping them accomplish their goals, the more they will be inclined to support yours.
7. Look around at your industry and what your competitors are doing. Keep your eye on the news with a focus on how local, national, and world events are going to affect your industry and your company.
8. Observe carefully and ascertain what your CEO needs and wants from you. In my experience, many CEOs are terrible at articulating these things and would much rather you read their mind. You can ask, certainly, but don’t be disappointed if they are unclear. As you observe, notice what you might have to offer that they might find useful. Once you make your plan for how you are going to spend your time, it might help to run it by your CEO to make sure you haven’t left off something critical that wasn’t even on your radar.

You ready for a nap yet? It is a lot. But you are probably in decent shape on some of these already.

When you look at your list of stuff to do, ask yourself: can somebody else do this—if not as well as me, well enough? If so, delegate it. Be honest. You should only be spending your time doing things only you can do, and that everyone doing everything else knows exactly how it should be done. I learned this concept from The E-Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber back when I started my first coaching business. It has translated perfectly to the corporate world and has served me well.

Finally, pace yourself. Take care of yourself and your brain, or nobody will win.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

We are often asked how managers can support direct reports who are going through a learning and development or coaching journey. As it happens, manager support is the most overlooked leverageable asset for ensuring the success of any development activity. Many organizations have “Develops Others” as a competency—and supporting people who are engaged in learning provides an often disregarded opportunity for managers.

It is an accepted truth that training is more effective when the manager is involved when their employees are going through a learning or development process. No one disagrees in principle. But managers already have so much on their plates, it can be a challenge to add one more thing. And what exactly can a manager do? Most end up being only tangentially involved, if at all.

Here are some ideas. If managers committed to only a few of these, employees would not only take the development opportunity more seriously, they would also pay closer attention to the content they are learning and be more likely to share their learning with others and apply it to their jobs.

It all starts with the Executive Sponsors—business leaders and OD/LD professionals. Ideally, they would:

• Craft and share the criteria for who is invited to training/coaching and involve managers in those decisions.
• Provide the business case for training/coaching along with expected outcomes and impact on business results.
• Articulate specific connections between learning outcomes, career paths, and job role aspirations.
• Attend an executive overview of the content with managers so everyone has a solid understanding of what their people are learning.
• Share examples of how managers can model behaviors expected from those who go through training/coaching. There is nothing so demotivating to employees as the suspicion that their managers have not learned what they are learning. We have lost count of the times we have heard “Is my manager getting this training?”

Managers whose employees commit valuable time to learning/coaching should also dedicate ample attention and time to demonstrating their support. They could:

• Make sure they have had conversations with each of their people about their current tasks and goals, satisfaction in their current role, and career aspirations. If the organization has defined job role/career paths, discuss objectives and manage expectations.
• Inquire with each employee at the beginning of a learning/coaching journey what their preliminary learning objectives might be, both personally and in light of job roles and aspirations for future.
• (For coaching) Provide frank feedback directly to the participant as well as in any interviews or online multi-rater 360s. Managers should be prepared to support any feedback they give and to provide more detail and rationale should the employee want to discuss this. It is not fair for the manager to hide behind anonymous feedback or hope that what is said won’t be taken to heart.
• Share what they learn in an executive overview and ask for feedback on their own behaviors/practices and how they do or don’t align with new content. Leaders must at the very least try to be role models for the behaviors they expect.
• Dedicate time in each one on one meeting to what the individual is learning and how it can be applied to their daily work.
• If all employees are going through training or coaching together, spend some time debriefing in team meetings.
• If only a few employees are going through training or coaching, ask each participant to share one learning tidbit per team meeting.
• Recognize and reward completion of development journeys and allow time in team meetings for each participant to share any takeaways.

Managers are responsible for creating a safe learning environment in which all employees can practice a growth mindset. People want to be seen and heard. They need to experience that their manager has their back, in terms of enabling both best results and professional growth. A little bit of extra attention to what people are learning and how they can apply it will go a long way toward ensuring strong return on investment of time, money and effort.

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I get no feedback. I have done well in my career. I have some big goals and I think I am doing OK at my job. My manager is a big-picture person who is constantly on the move and is only interested in my results, not in me. I think if I asked her about my long-term prospects here, she would roll her eyes at me. (She rolls her eyes any time anyone digresses from the numbers and the key results.)

Recently, my spouse went through a program with her company where they sent out a questionnaire to the people she interacted with at work. She got a ton of insight into how she is perceived. There weren’t a lot of surprises, but she learned some useful info.

They don’t do that kind of thing in my company—but I was thinking it might be a good idea to ask some key folks I work with for some feedback, just to see if I might be missing something. Could it be risky? Would people tell me the truth? What if I find out something I wish I hadn’t?

If you think it might be a good idea, how would you suggest I go about it?

In the Dark

Dear In the Dark,

There is a school of thought that says “no news is good news.” Then again, Ken Blanchard says “feedback is the breakfast of champions.” I say that it never hurts to really see the full landscape—your playing field, if you will—to make sure you understand the exact game being played, the rules of the game, and how to win it. Too many folks who don’t pay attention are surprised when they find out they were playing the wrong game or they missed the memo about the rules changing.

I don’t think ignorance is bliss; I think it is a naïve choice. So, short answer: Yes.

• Yes, I think it is a good idea to make the effort to get some insight.
• Yes, it can be risky, but there are ways to mitigate the risk.
• Some people will tell you the truth and some won’t, and that’s OK.
• You will almost certainly find out some things that will make you uncomfortable.
• And yes, I have some ideas about how to go about it.

Long answer:

Why feedback? It sounds like you think it may be useful to simply get the lay of land so that you have the information you need to move toward your big goals. You’ll want to assess for yourself where you think insight would be helpful. Is it something specific, or are you going for a more general picture? It’s a good idea to clarify your own intent and motives, such as:

• Are you seeking insights to help you achieve your goals? Asking for feedback can help you build support for your long-term goals.
• Do you want to build or protect your ego? There’s nothing wrong with that; just be ready to hear some things you wish you hadn’t.
• Do you want to enhance or defend your self-image and your image in the organization? Again, information on how you are perceived is fine and often useful.

Getting clear on your intent will help you to shape what you decide to do with the feedback you get. Remember—feedback says more about the person giving it than it does about you. So understanding someone else’s perspective is a useful window into where they stand and what they see from that vantage point. It also tells you what is important to them, which may be the most illuminating insights of all.

The whole mission to get feedback can also be an opportunity to create an environment in which you signal that you are accessible and open to feedback, which will increase the likelihood that people will offer it without your having to ask all the time. This also means you will get feedback you don’t necessarily want—but if you know how to deal with it, that’s OK.

Who to get it from? You’ll want to decide who to ask. 360 degrees is upward, sideways with functional peers, and downward with your direct reports, if you have any. The more thorough you are, the clearer a picture you can get of your whole landscape. You might also consider approaching customers, internal and external, who depend on you. You can approach your boss via email—not to discuss your brilliant career (which she doesn’t seem to care about) but to give her the opportunity to provide input should she choose to do it. What you don’t want is for her to hear that you are asking around for feedback and didn’t include her!

Method: My favorite cut-to-the-chase method of asking for feedback is to ask for a meeting. Clearly state that you are seeking intel on how to improve all of your working relationships and that you want answers to the following questions:

In your opinion,

• What should/could I do more of?
• What should/could I do less of?
• What should I start doing?
• What should I stop doing?
• Is there anything else you think I should know?

This gives some direction without too many guard rails. My big beef with the exhaustive online multi-rater 360s is that they are so in-depth that respondents are mentally exhausted before they get halfway through it. Provide the questions prior to the meeting—it gives people time to think over their answers. It is always nice to have these kinds of meetings over a coffee or a beer, but these days it will probably be web conference.

Risks: You only really make yourself vulnerable if you signal your intent—which you don’t need to do. All you have to say is that you want to be as effective as you can be in all of your working relationships, which is probably the truth and totally plausible. But yes, you do make yourself vulnerable, because you will expose yourself to anyone who has an axe to grind and takes advantage of the moment to give it to you right between the eyes. But my experience is that is much more common when people can hide behind a screen of anonymity.

How to receive feedback? This may be the hardest part. The whole exercise will absolutely backfire if you get defensive or attempt to explain or justify your position. Doing so will guarantee that the person will never give you feedback again. You must absolutely, positively practice almost superhuman self-regulation in response to all feedback.

You have a choice of the following responses. (Do not deviate from this plan.)

• Thank you.
• Tell me more.
• I understand.

Do: If you hear about behavior or an event in which someone’s feelings were hurt or the apple cart was upset in some way, you can apologize for your part in it. Just say “Wow, I am sorry. I didn’t know and I am so glad you told me.” THAT’S IT. Don’t explain, don’t fall apart, don’t make a big deal out of it.

Don’t: make promises about changing. You are going to want to collect all of the feedback before deciding what you want to do with it. Making promises without really thinking through what you are willing to commit to will box you in. Only make promises you are certain you want to keep and can keep.

Will there be moments of discomfort? You bet there will, and that’s OK. You won’t die from it. You are going to need to be tough to achieve your big goals, and the key to toughness is practicing not taking things personally. Take notice of what makes you defensive—it gives you information about your own secret vanities and insecurities. That’s OK, too. We all have them, and the more aware you are of your own, the less they will drive your behavior and sabotage you when you least expect it.

What to do with feedback: You have to think of feedback as data, not the truth about you. Ask yourself: what does this tell me about this person that is useful? What does it tell me about our systems and processes that I hadn’t considered? What does it tell me about myself that is valuable? What might be true and worth taking under advisement?

Only after some deliberation and analysis will you decide what to do; and even then, you will want to choose only two or three things to focus on. Start small, with one thing—something you can do without getting a personality transplant—one thing you think will make a real difference. Maybe it is to stop interrupting. Or to start consulting others when making decisions. Something simple and doable.

Still up for it? I applaud your courage. It will be quite a journey, but one I think you will find worthwhile.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a global manufacturing company. I manage managers and I am responsible for about 300 people around the globe. I was trained as an engineer and I really loved my job— until recently.

I am not sure what happened, but about a year ago—long before the COVID crisis—I noticed that I just didn’t care anymore. There’s still plenty of work and plenty of urgency, and I still have the same team reporting to me that I care so much about—but I just don’t feel like any of it matters. We are getting good results, and in many ways the current crisis is benefiting our business, so it’s not that I am overwhelmed. I have total job security. I thought it might be burnout, because I do work a lot. But I read up on that and it isn’t quite that.

I think it is somehow connected to not having a sense of purpose. What do you think? How important is it to have a sense of purpose? And if it is important, how do I find mine?

Just Don’t Care

Dear Just Don’t Care,

What yucky way to feel. I’m sorry. Burnout is, in fact, the usual suspect when people feel the way you describe. But if you have reviewed the literature and don’t think that is the root cause of your yuck, there are a couple of other ideas to consider. It might be a combination of a bunch of different things.

Grief. Is it possible that you lost someone dear to you a bit before you started feeling this way? In Western culture, we tend to feel like grief should be something we need to get over in a prescribed time period and that it is an act of will. It just is not so. Grief can last a very long time, to the point that we don’t even connect how sad we are to the precipitating incident. I once worked with a client who was feeling the way you described. When I asked if he thought it might be grief, he said: “I lost my partner four months ago, but it can’t be grief because she was really sick for a long time and I knew she was going to die.” I was stunned. Where did that rule come from? Grief is grief. It has its own timetable. You just have to find small ways to make life bearable until it lifts. Or, if you think it has gone on way too long, you can get some help with it.

Depression. If you have a family history of depression, you may recognize it. If you think you might be depressed, you could start with focusing on getting your needs met and finding your path to a purpose. You may also consider diet, exercise, or getting outdoors—all of which literally change your brain chemistry. Depression is such a common diagnosis these days, if that were the problem it’s likely you already would have self-diagnosed.

Core personal needs. It is possible that you have some fundamental core needs, or even just one, that isn’t being met. Either you were getting your needs met, something changed, and now your needs aren’t getting met but you haven’t noticed it; or you never noticed something critical was missing, and now you do. Linda Berens, an expert on personality types and the way personality differences affect relationships, has this to say about needs: “The needs represent … the driving force. Individuals unconsciously and consciously seek every avenue to get the needs met. When these needs are met, the individual is energized and light of spirit. When these needs are not met, the individual is drained of energy and suffers dissatisfaction or stress.” If you are interested in understanding more, check out Linda’s work here.

Another expert on needs, Abraham Maslow, established a now widely accepted theory that all human beings have a hierarchy of needs that must be met in a specific order. His work has flowed into the zeitgeist the way Freud’s notion of the unconscious has—although his view of humans is more optimistic than Freud’s. According to Maslow, humans are hardwired to satisfy basic needs for shelter, air, food, and water. Once those have been satisfied, people are free to then build stability and safety for their lives. This is generally represented by a strong and safe family unit.

Then, when people feel safe and stable, the natural impulse is to seek groups so that they feel accepted and build camaraderie. This is the need for belonging. Then, and only then, are people free to meet their esteem needs, which usually take the form of competence or mastery. There is overlap between the need to belong and the esteem needs. Humans naturally seek to belong to groups that recognize their accomplishments.

The last need in Maslow’s hierarchy is self-actualization, or the deep desire for people to maximize their potential. Self-actualization often takes the form of a search for knowledge, a quest for mastery, a life devoted to God, and what we generally think of as self-fulfillment. There is a good chance that you have the first two, or even three—moving from the bottom of the pyramid up—pretty much covered. Possibly, you have been super focused on other needs, and, now that they are fully met, it is time to turn your attention to the next level.

Values and purpose. Another possibility, the one you suspect, is that you have become aware that is it time to identify your purpose. Your purpose will be rooted in your values—those things that you say are important to you. When people spend too much of their time devoted to work that is not aligned with their values, they can easily fall into a funk. Maybe something changed about your job or at home so that you are no longer allowed to be focused on what is most important to you. It might be useful to identify what has changed; it could help you to identify what is missing now. This state of mind can be subtle and creep up so you don’t even notice it until—you described it really well—you wake up one day feeling like nothing matters. Some people manage to go through their entire lives without ever thinking about their purpose, while others seem to be driven by it early on.

My experience with clients is that having a clear purpose is especially useful when you are committed to doing hard things over a long period of time or when you are going through times that are tedious. If you have never done purpose work—often referred to by Simon Sinek as your “WHY”— now is the perfect time to give it some thought. Of course, there are entire books and courses devoted to this topic, so here are some questions to get you started:

Questions to ask to define your purpose:

• What do you do easily and naturally that you are known for, that people come to you for, and that others thank you for?
• What are you doing when you are in the zone, lose track of time, and would do it for free if you didn’t need a paycheck?
• What are you willing to do despite knowing you might be judged by others or that it might make you look foolish?
• What dream did you have when you were younger that you meant to defer but then forgot about?
• Considering what is important to you, and your purpose to the extent that you have a sense of it, what do you see is reasonably possible (with a fair amount of work and commitment) for you?
• Can you paint a detailed picture?
• What does the picture tell you?
• What could you do now—just as a first step—so that the picture can be manifested in reality some day?

You will have to experiment a little and notice what gives you joy and feels like the right direction. That’s okay, you have time, and you will start feeling better once you start picking up clues and penciling out a plan. I personally dabbled in a topic for thirteen years before finally getting serious and signing up for classes. Seven years later I am still a neophyte, partially because it takes decades to master, partially because there is still the family (husband, four kids, three dogs), the full-time job (which I love) and, you know, life. But I have made slow and steady progress, which allows me to feel 100% on purpose and gives me extraordinary satisfaction.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t suggest that you schedule a physical with a doctor. There might be a chemical reason for feeling the way you do; you just never know. If your hormones are wildly out of whack or you are deficient in some key nutrient, a visit to your doctor will rule it in or out. Your doctor may diagnose depression—which of course might be true—but unmet needs or a lack of purpose and values alignment are often diagnosed as depression.

Of course, the feeling might just lift on its own, but I do encourage you to continue your inquiry—it can only help. Good luck to you. There is so much joy to be had in this life. I hope you can find your way back to it.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior business leader for a global manufacturing company. I recently was on a panel with an officer of our company—not my boss, but a peer of my boss. He was very impactful with his remarks; I was okay but not nearly as sharp. Later, when I complimented him on his presence and remarks, he graciously thanked me and asked if he could give me some advice.

Of course I said yes.

“You need to prepare,” he said. “You have no idea how much I prepare when I need to speak—in any venue, including executive team meetings. It makes all the difference.”

It got me to thinking, and I realized that I have been basically winging it. All the time. I talk way too much. I start talking and keep talking until I figure out what my point is. I am smart enough to have gotten away with it so far—but now that it has been called out, I really want to improve. I am not sure where to begin. Thoughts?

Winging It

Dear Winging It,

The first step is self-awareness, so congratulations for realizing that you can improve. It is my experience that the less people talk, the more others tend to pay attention when they do. There is tremendous power in silence, and in taking the moment to think before you speak.

The next step is clarifying your own motivation for improving, because it will require sustained attention and effort. Since you have gotten away with winging it till now, it would be easy to slide back into old habits. So remembering the point of the exercise will help to keep you on track. Ask yourself:

• Why bother improving?
• What are my long-term career goals, and will my improving impact those goals significantly?
• How will I deal with it when I get disillusioned with how much time and effort preparation takes?

Once you have given this a little thought, you will be ready for the next step. This may be the hardest part: deciding what meetings/events you want to be more prepared for and blocking time off on your calendar to prepare.

The key to preparation is taking the time to do it—and you’ll find that it really doesn’t take that long. Once you have your system down you might very well be able to do it on your commute, or your morning walk, or even in the shower. Personally, I prepare by creating mind maps using pen and paper. Many people need to think out loud and take note of what comes out of their mouths that is useful and what can be consolidated or edited out. You will have to experiment.

Taking the time to prepare also means reviewing the supporting documents that are shared before a meeting. Most people who are used to winging it figure they can do a quick scan once the meeting starts, which is probably what you do now. But reviewing early will allow you the time to develop an opinion with supporting arguments that will be three steps ahead of what you can get to in real time.

Once you have blocked a little time out, run some tests: What method is going to serve you best? Are you a writer? Do you need markers and flip chart so you can think big? Do you need to think out loud with a peer or team member? Perhaps the recording feature on your phone would help you?

To organize your preparation, regardless of your method, consider:

• Who is your audience?
• What is their agenda? Why are they there?
• What is the main topic or decision that needs to be made?
• Do you have one or two key messages you want people to remember?
• Are there related side topics that may be missing, and can you explain why it is critical to address those at this time?
• What are the most important points people need to hear to grasp your opinion?
• Do you want/need research or statistics to support your point(s)? It’s much better to Google beforehand and be ready with links.
• Is there a personal story or example you might share to support a point?
• Can you tell that story succinctly and make sure it circles back to the point? Stories are very effective but all the more when they are short, sweet, and relevant.
• If your audience remembers only one thing about what you say, what do you want it to be?
• Is there a call to action and is it clear?
• What questions do you anticipate being asked, and how will you answer them?

If you start with just these, you will be way ahead of the game. Even if you focus yourself on the way to a meeting (or in our current Zoom world, take five minutes before the meeting) with some thinking about who the audience is and what you need them to know, you will be on the road to being prepared. Success breeds success, so start small and build.

If at all possible, consider asking the gentleman who gave you advice how he prepares—he may have some brilliant tips for you. And almost everyone likes being asked for advice.

Finally, you can practice keeping your hand over your mouth until you figure out exactly what needs to be said. I spend a great deal of time with my hand over my mouth—as a former “winger,” it serves me well. It is much easier to circle back to share something you didn’t get a chance to say than to take back something (or worse, a lot of stuff) you wish you hadn’t.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Ken Blanchard says it is difficult for leaders to plan for the future while they are also managing the day-to-day. For that reason, he suggests organizations have two groups of leaders: one that focuses on the present and a second that looks toward the future. In their new book Lead from the Future, Mark W. Johnson and Josh Suskewicz recognize this same challenge and provide a playbook to help leaders envision the breakthrough opportunities that will drive long-term growth.

We often look at visionaries like Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, and Jeff Bezos as having extraordinary talents that can’t be duplicated. But Johnson and Suskewicz believe developing and deploying an inspiring and actionable vision of the future is a skill that can be learned. Many leaders use present-forward thinking, which focuses on extending the life of their existing business by way of continuous improvements. But Lead from the Future illustrates the idea of future-back thinking—a method of achieving breakthrough growth through anticipating and shaping the market of the future. Rather than approach business with a mindset of describing what is and how to sustain it, the authors ask readers to think about what could be and then transform processes and systems to support that vision.

Johnson and Suskewicz’s research indicates that 75 percent of organizations base their strategic plan no more than five years into the future. Organizations that extend their five-year plan to ten years, however, give themselves a competitive advantage. Planning for three to five years keeps a company in the same competitive market, while planning ten years into the future creates a new market where that company can be the leader that others want to emulate.

Future-back thinking consists of three major phases.

• In phase one, leaders develop a vision. This includes exploring what the future is likely to hold, understanding what customer needs will be, identifying threats and opportunities, and creating a point of view to serve that future.
• Phase two is where leaders translate the vision into a clear strategy by walking back in stages to create initiatives that need to be in place to achieve the vision, including explicit benchmarks and goals.
• In phase three, leaders implement the strategy. The authors emphasize the importance of creating new structures, processes, and norms to drive the new initiative rather than trying to roll out a significant change using conventional methods.

Ultimately, leaders who embrace future-back thinking must be able to deal with ambiguity while giving themselves time to explore, envision, and discover. According to the authors, they need to be “comfortable being uncomfortable.” And when these leaders develop a narrative that supports the company’s future, the passion and opportunity that now lie dormant will be unleashed throughout the organization.

An easy-to-read and engaging book, Lead from the Future is filled with examples of leaders who have successfully practiced the future-back thinking method.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Mark Johnson, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. For more information on Mark W. Johnson and Josh Suskewicz, visit www.innosight.com.

A common coaching objective for executive clients is to exude greater executive presence while also being authentic. Many successful leaders are known for having exceptional executive presence. When you see this quality, you just know. However, when you don’t see it—you also know.

The path to executive presence can be challenging due to the following factors:

• The workplace is constantly changing. It is difficult to develop a style that feels right and suits the organization’s changing needs. Leaders want to stick with what feels comfortable.
• People evolve through their careers. Leaders change and grow. There isn’t always one true self.
• Social media demands that we share thoughts and feelings. Leaders may feel this is risky and unrealistic.
• Radical changes are happening in work styles. Leaders want to improve and learn using a sense of self, but extreme change can rattle a rigid self-concept.
• The difference in cultural norms is being addressed now more than ever before in the workplace.
• Selling ideas and self takes leaders out of their comfort zone.

In his article for TrainingIndustry.com, Executive Presence: What It Is and 4 Steps to Develop It, performance psychologist Dr. Stephen Long challenges us to consider that authenticity and executive presence are linked. Leaders set the direction with their heads and then engage their employees and colleagues with their hearts. Executive presence is a result of the head and heart working together to their maximum capabilities.

Bill George, former CEO of Medtronic and author of the book True North: Develop Your Authentic Leadership, shares a similar message:

“Just as a compass points toward a magnetic field, your True North pulls you toward the purpose of your leadership. When you follow your internal compass, your leadership will be authentic, and people will naturally want to associate with you. Although others may guide or influence you, your truth is derived from your life story and only you can determine what it should be.”

George’s Authenticity Model focuses on the different qualities an authentic leader has or can develop. There are five dimensions: Purpose, Values, Relationships, Self-Discipline, and Heart.

• Purpose—authentic leaders know who they are and where they are going. Passion shines through all that they do.
• Values—authentic leaders know their values and examine them frequently. Their actions align with espoused values.
• Relationships—authentic leaders build solid relationships and make heart connections. They share their personal experiences and listen actively.
• Self-Discipline—authentic leaders remain focused and cool even under pressure. They possess a great deal of self-awareness such as managing their emotions; knowing personal triggers; showing empathy.
• Heart—authentic leaders are sensitive to the needs of others and are willing to help.

Our true authentic self is not hiding under a burning bush waiting for us to find it. It already exists within each of us. If we stray too far from our internal compass, our authenticity quotient diminishes.

Here are a few suggestions for leaders who wish to acquire leadership presence.

• Build a strong foundation throughout your career. Develop experiences that point to your areas of strength and passion.
• Be mindful that presence develops gradually throughout a career.
• Establish trust. Be consistent and fair to all. This takes time to develop.
• Manage self. Create awareness about personal emotions and skill levels, and build resilience.
• Establish meaningful relationships. Display an attitude of caring and willingness to share personal experiences.
• Do the right thing in an authentic manner.

Executive presence and authenticity are intertwined. No cutting of corners, no looking away from values. Presence is knowing who you are, what you stand for, and what you want to be known for. In other words, it is having absolute clarity about your brand and never wavering.

About the Author

Patricia Sauer is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Contact Blanchard Coaching Services to learn more about developing your authentic executive presence. Blanchard’s 250 coaches have worked with over 16,000 executives to develop the skills they need to succeed in a changing work environment.

Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

As an antidote to the negative consequences of personality-based leadership theories, new generations of leadership, learning, and talent development professionals are rediscovering servant leadership. That’s great news for those of us who believe that simply focusing on acting like a leader is a poor substitute for developing the character and behaviors of someone who truly believes that people lead best when they serve first.

As the Head of Learning & Organizational Development at The Ken Blanchard Companies in the Asia Pacific region, most of my professional career has been spent studying leadership from every angle. Having taught servant leadership for several years, I find myself continually returning to three key servant leadership principles—standing back, authenticity, and humility. My hope is that these principles will help you not only in your own leadership studies but also as you consider servant leadership for your organization.

Standing Back

Standing back means serving with a mindset of observing an individual’s needs. The servant leader becomes involved only when they can clearly see a way to add value to the process for the other person. The leader sees themselves as coach or facilitator of an environment or a project. They watch and respond as needed. From this mindset flows a host of skills to be developed and applied such as listening, asking questions, providing feedback, and many others. We have captured a comprehensive list of these skills by asking L&D professionals in our workshops what servant leadership looks like to them. Use this link to see what skills L&D professionals identified most often.

Authenticity

Authenticity as a servant leadership characteristic is often misunderstood. It’s not about leaders saying what they mean without a filter—it’s about them knowing who they are as both a leader and a person, and being comfortable in both roles.

In my work with clients, I call this leadership principle “being grounded.” Authentic servant leaders speak respectfully, when it’s appropriate. They are aware of their core values and don’t have a need to boast. They openly appreciate others for their merits in a genuine and meaningful manner. When a leader acknowledges their team members’ successes and supports them in realigning their goals after failures, it promotes learning and growth. A servant leader demonstrates authentic leadership through behaviors that are based on their values. They have a clear, centered sense of self and communicate in a way that serves others.

Humility

Some might say that leaders with humility know how much they don’t know. When they work with people who have more expertise than they do, they are confidently humble. They may even ask “Could you teach me? Could you help me? Could you facilitate my learning?” They are also proactive in asking their direct reports for feedback on their leadership style; e.g., “How do you feel about the way I’ve been working with you and leading the team?”

The humble servant leader is confident in their own capabilities and personality. They believe in serving others through continuous self-improvement, communicating openly, and proactively seeking feedback.

All Three Principles Are Interrelated

In practice, these three principles are interrelated. When a leader is authentic, they are also humble. Because they are humble, they are confident in standing back. They are centered, grounded, and comfortable with their values, who they are, and how they present themselves. This is the place from which they will always make their best decisions and be of the most service to others.

Robert Greenleaf, the universally recognized father of servant leadership, wrote forty years ago that servant leadership begins “…with the natural feeling that one wants to serve. A servant leader focuses primarily on the growth and well-being of the people and communities to which they belong.”

If this serving spirit is in your heart, I encourage you to consider how standing back, authenticity, and humility can help you and your organization along the journey.

Looking for more information on how servant leadership principles are being applied in today’s organizations? Check out servant leadership resources on The Ken Blanchard Companies website.

About the Author

Maria Pressentin is the Head of Learning & Organizational Development for Asia Pacific at The Ken Blanchard Companies. Maria is an award-winning coach and leadership development professional, as recognized by the HRD World Congress and has served for four years as the vice president of the International Coach Federation, Singapore. Maria holds Master’s degrees in Strategic Management and Organizational Research, and is currently pursuing her PhD in Entrepreneurship and Innovation.

Dear Readers,

This week I am using this space to address my own questions—questions that have been on many people’s minds:

How can I help? What can I do? What actions might count?

We can no longer look away. The time has come to challenge ourselves to be better humans. It is hard to know what to do. We are intimidated into shutting up—the risk of saying the wrong thing and being mocked and humiliated on social media is real. I lost sleep over the possible hazards of writing this column. I am sure I will offend someone who disagrees with me. And probably someone who agrees with what I say, but has a quibble with how I say it. It is a lose-lose. I would much prefer to be answering a work-related question.

But if not now, when?

I went to our Diversity and Inclusion expert, La’Wana Harris, and asked her for guidance. This is what she sent me. I think it is a great starting place.

How to Talk to Black People Right Now

Don’t—unless you’re willing to do your own self-work, educate yourself, and follow through with meaningful action.

The often well-meaning, but superficial, version of allyship for traumatized black people as they grieve another senseless death of an unarmed black man is counterproductive. As a society, we have demonstrated a tragically inept capacity for addressing social issues. It’s not from a lack of capable individuals and organizations. Social heroes have tried for centuries to lead us, hand in hand, out of the abyss of historical and present-day crimes with extreme grace, temperance, and sacrifice. The books have been written, the workshops facilitated, and the artwork displayed. We have dedicated physical space, digital space, mental space, and spiritual space to the thankless work of guiding the community out of the clutches of systemic oppression and its toxic impacts. But now is not the time to open up a dialogue unless you are fully vested in moving beyond lip service. There’s a lot of energy around what needs to be said and not enough focus on what needs to be done.

People opposed to injustice and bigotry are tired. Black people are the focus, but we don’t own this issue. We aren’t the only people suffering from our dehumanization. Make the decision to make this personal. Take this problem on. Do your research, discuss it first with the non-black people around you, and come ready to mobilize. Be intentional about being on the right side of history during this time of unrest.

If you feel lost and don’t understand the deep historical and systemic aspects of what’s happening right now, you should commit to studying long enough to catch up. The enlightenment of white people is an inside-out job. Check out some of these resources and know that this is not the time to make a request of black people to take responsibility for something that you can do for yourself.

Are you willing to correct inappropriate statements among your friends? Are you willing to be uncomfortable and push through the awkward moments for the sake of meaningful progress? Are you ready to face the harsh realities of power, privilege, and systemic racism in America? If so, let’s talk.

Madeleine again. So: First, get educated. If you have had your head down, paying attention to other things, look up and look around. Read. Print out the resources, order the books, and read them. Watch the documentaries with your family. Identify the sticking points in your own thinking—and possibly speech—that reveal your own unconscious bias. Everyone is biased. It is almost impossible not to be. Ms. Harris says:

You shouldn’t feel guilty about having biases. Everyone has bias as part of our cognitive response system to help protect us from danger. We need cognitive shortcuts to know when to heed our fight/flight instincts. Bias becomes problematic when it’s based on erroneous thinking. Awareness is a good first step.

The next step is to pay attention to what you may have thought, done, or said that triggered the behavior that betrays your bias. That way, you can build on your awareness to understand what triggers your bias reaction. Then, ask yourself ‘How does this affect how I show up? How does it keep me from being my best self?’ Finally, you can build some practices, habits, or rituals to support your best intentions.

Identify what you think is important to you and use those principles to make decisions about what you are willing to commit to.

Examine Ms. Harris’s questions: Are you willing to correct inappropriate statements among your friends? Are you willing to be uncomfortable and push through the awkward moments for the sake of meaningful progress?

I know this about myself: I am a big conflict avoider. It is rarely an issue with friends but in business and family gatherings, it can get sticky. I get worried about being perceived as too serious or too political. Who am I, after all, to censure others? But now more than ever before, it is clear that I am no longer allowed to be gutless. I have to say something in the moment. It is appropriate to censure the unacceptable. And I know to be ready to do that, I need to have language and I need to practice saying things out loud so I am ready.

I did a little digging on potentially what to say, and the long and short of it is that we have to call it out when we hear it. No blame—no judgment even—just nope. Not acceptable. “That’s racist, and we don’t allow that kind of talk in our home” or “I think what you’re saying is biased and mean—please don’t use that kind of language around me.” Maybe we won’t be brave enough or ready the first time we need it, but if we stay focused, we will get there.

Discomfort is unpleasant. I have arranged my life very specifically to be comfortable, and I like it a lot. But I know I need to get a lot more uncomfortable. And look what I found for inspiration. Luvvie Ajayi defines herself as a troublemaker, and, well, wow. She challenges us to say what needs to be said when it needs to be said. Her rules for speaking up in ways that you won’t regret are:

• Do you mean it?
• Can you defend it?
• Can you say it with love?

I can live with these rules. Bet you can, too.

Courage is required. Most difficult situations require us to do hard things. Angeles Arrien, the author of The Four Fold Way; Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary says this about courage: “Where we are not strong hearted is where we lack the courage to be authentic or to say what is true for us. Strong heartedness is where have the courage to be all of who we are in our life. The word courage is derived from the French word for heart, coeur, and etymologically it means ‘the ability to stand by one’s heart or to stand by one’s core.’ Whenever we exhibit courage, we demonstrate the healing power of paying attention to what has heart and meaning for us.”

I expect my reading and watching will reveal what meaningful action makes sense for me. I am ready to commit at least as much time to educating myself, making a plan, and following through on that plan as I do to every other thing that is important to me.

So can you. Stand by your heart.

If not now, when?

Love, Madeleine

Dear Madeleine,

I know I should be grateful to have a job, and I love the company I work for. BUT. My whole company is madly trying to stay afloat and reinvent itself and I have more work coming at me than I can possibly do. I am working 16-hour days. I have my laptop in bed with me until midnight and get going again at 6:00 a.m.

My husband is retired and is good natured about it. He says I need to set some boundaries—but everyone is working as hard as I am. We are all doing what we need to do to survive the changes in our business and the resulting economic disaster.

I had all kinds of dreams about this last chapter of my career and they did not include feeling like I am part of a startup. Been there, done that, hated it then. I am angry, overwhelmed, and exhausted—but more than anything, I feel so disappointed. And then I judge myself, knowing that so many people are so much worse off than me: sick, losing loved ones, out of a job, homeschooling children while working full time, not to mention all the kids with canceled proms and graduations. What do I have to complain about?
And yet, here I am feeling out of sorts and not able to pull out of it.

Thoughts?

So Disappointed

Dear So Disappointed,

You bet I have thoughts. And a lot of similar feelings. I spent a couple of days feeling sorry myself because I wasn’t going to get to see my daughter pick up her Master’s diploma in her fancy cap and gown and yuk it up with all of our pals in New York City. And don’t get me started on how hard it has been to let go of our collective dreams for her gorgeous wedding in July. I mean, we argued over whether we should have broccoli salad (my vote: gross) and about 127 other details. And OMG, the band was going to be the best! And now—nothing. “Come on,” I tell myself. “People are dying. Get over it.” So I let myself have my sad little pity party for a weekend, and then I did get over it.

You must allow yourself to have your feelings. Just because someone else is suffering more than you are doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to acknowledge what a big fat bummer your own reality is. In fact, if you suppress your feelings, you will just end up feeling numb—or worse, you could start acting out: smoking, drinking too much, drugs, overeating—we are apparently having an epidemic of this kind of thing right now. So don’t do that. But you also don’t want to ruminate on your feelings by going over and over the same sad story in your head. That won’t help you; you’ll just get stuck in a nasty rut.

What will help is to break all of this down. Part of what is going on here is a mashup of all the facts, thoughts, and feelings until it feels like a car alarm is going off in your head. Let’s tease everything out so you can deal with each thing, one at a time.

The absurd workload: Your husband is right. You need to set some boundaries. Laptops do not belong in bed. Yes, I know millions of people watch TV on their laptops in bed, or goof around on YouTube and social media. So let me rephrase: work does not belong in bed. Yes, that’s better. New rule for you: NO WORK IN BED. You need your rest time and your sleep, and you will not be able to keep up this pace without health consequences.

I don’t care if everyone else is working as hard as you are. You are the one who is in pain. Put up the hand and say no. You know perfectly well what you can do in a reasonable workday—maybe that is 10 hours or even 12, but 16 is just sick and wrong. You are not saving babies from Ebola here, but somehow you have gotten yourself into life-or-death mode. The adrenaline and cortisol being released in your system will hurt you if you don’t cut it out.

Break down your work requirements and tell your boss and your team what you can do and what you can’t do. My experience is that the reward for good work is more work, not a break. Your boss is depending on you to cry uncle and tell him when you can’t do another thing. If you suffer in silence, the work will just pile on. You had gotten into a nice work rhythm before the Covid Fun House Crazy, so you got out of the habit of having to say no when enough is enough. Flex that muscle and use it now. I promise the entire organization isn’t going to go down the tubes because of you. If the company isn’t going to make it, the extra four hours you take to exercise, meditate, and sleep is not going to make the difference.

Suddenly trapped in a startup: Well. Yes. I can relate. I have been part of three startups—and the last time I said “never again.” Startups are a young person’s game, honestly, because they do take just about every drop of blood and sweat from each overtaxed employee.

The problem is this: every business is kind of a startup right now. Everybody is scrambling to figure out how to win or even operate with the new business landscape and restrictions. My own company is in the same boat. I keep hearing things like pivot, iterate, and fail fast, experiment! It is exhausting. All I can say is, this isn’t going to last forever. Your company will figure it out and things will settle down. This doesn’t change anything I said in the last section. It is reality and all you can do is adapt. Get some boundaries, take care of yourself, and do your best. This too shall pass.

The dashing of your dreams: This is a big deal. Bet you didn’t think I was going to say that. And I wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t studied neuroscience. I’m fascinated by one little neuroscience tidbit about the chemical reaction that occurs in our brains have when explicit expectations are disappointed. Research shows that when we have an expectation of something good and it is not met, our brains actually stop producing dopamine for a time.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is generally thought of as a feel-good chemical. It is released when we experience pleasure or anticipate a reward—cupcakes, wine, the perfect find on sale, juicy gossip. When we anticipate something good, our dopamine receptors are primed for the rush, and when it doesn’t come, the entire dopamine delivery system grinds to a halt. It feels terrible. In fact, it sets up such a negative downward spiral that it can affect our mood, and then our performance.

We intuitively know this. Think about the times you have strived for an outcome but tried really hard to manage your own expectations. We know disappointed hopes feel lousy, but unmet expectations feel even worse. So you, my friend, are the victim of perfectly reasonable expectations that are not being met. Your dream has turned into a nightmare. This is increasing your stress levels, decreasing your creativity and problem-solving ability, and probably affecting your confidence, too. The fact that you are not alone is no consolation.

What can you do about it? Reframe. Rewrite the story about how this part of your life was supposed to go. Define the narrative you had, and then redefine it. It might sound something like this: “Well, I thought this part of my career was going to be four-day work weeks, during which I could focus on my cherry-picked projects. I was going to do yoga every day and cook gourmet meals every night. But all that has changed now. My considerable wisdom and experience is now needed to creatively respond to this new challenge and rise to occasion by working at an accelerated pace again.” And so on. Focus on the strengths you can bring to this challenge, and what exactly will make you feel proudest when it is all over. Reset the expectations you had for this chapter of your life and keep them centered, as much as possible, on what you can control. You will find yourself in an upward spiral very quickly and start feeling a lot better.

If you need to wallow a little, go ahead. No one will blame you. But then do your work, untangle the yucky mess, deal with each thing one by one, and get that spiral going up.

Your husband will thank you, and your colleagues will too.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Marcus Buckingham believes some basic assumptions about work are simply no longer true in today’s business environment. He shares his insights in his latest book, Nine Lies About Work: A Freethinking Leader’s Guide to the Real World, coauthored with Ashley Goodall.

Lie #1: People care which company they work for.

Many companies use their corporate culture as a recruitment tool. Although it is true that people will join a company for their projected culture, people will stay—or leave—because of the team they work with every day. Team members who truly care about one another and have each other’s backs create their own culture. Leaders who observe and understand what makes teams perform well, and then encourage that behavior in other teams, will create a stronger organization.

Lie #2: The best plan wins.

Executives spend months developing a strategic plan, getting it approved by the board, and then disseminating it through the entire organization. The more rigorous and detailed the plan, the longer it takes to develop—and during that extended amount of time, reality probably changes. Planning is a good way to scope a problem, but what leaders really need is intelligence. Smart leaders empower their frontline people to deal with situations immediately and then check in regularly to see how they can help. Buckingham’s research indicates that this method lowers turnover and improves productivity while it builds an intelligence system that outperforms a complicated planning system.

Lie #3: The best companies cascade goals.

It has been common practice for a CEO to have annual goals that are cascaded first to the executive team, then through each department structure, to the individual level. The problem? Things can change over a year—but fewer than 5 percent of people go back to look at the goals or recalibrate their need. Truth be told, goals work only if you set them yourself. Freethinking leaders know what they need to accomplish, take the responsibility to explain it to team members, and then set goals they can achieve. The best practice is to cascade meaning—not goals.

Lie #4: The best people are well rounded.

Companies spend time defining competencies they want employees to develop—and then spend more time trying to improve people’s weakest competencies. This practice creates employees with just-average performance. Freethinking leaders look for the skills that people do well and leverage those skills. High performers usually do something a little differently than others—and that difference, when used intelligently, can be a competitive advantage.

Lie #5: People need feedback.

Feedback is a tricky subject. On one hand, if you don’t give any feedback and ignore someone, it destroys them. On the other hand, if you approach someone saying you want to give them feedback, their brain pattern looks almost exactly like fight-or-flight brain waves. The person feels like they are being attacked. Many times, feedback isn’t helpful because it isn’t delivered in a way that helps the person learn how to change a behavior. When freethinking leaders see someone doing something that works, they ask the person what they think worked well and why. This line of questioning as a method of feedback serves as the learning moment. The interrogation of the action—good or bad—is the most important conversation.

Lie #6: People can reliably rate other people.

Forty years of research shows that ratings of the performance of others is more a reflection of the person doing the rating than the person being rated. We simply can’t rate other humans on things like strategic thinking, creativity, business knowledge, or overall performance. Accurate rating of other people’s performance takes a much deeper conversation based on observations—it’s not about selecting a number on a scale.

Lie #7: People have potential.

Of course people have potential. The danger comes in identifying certain people as high potential, because doing it presupposes that others are low potential. By creating these designations, we are deliberately not seeing 85 percent of our people. The truth is that everyone has potential—but we have never found a way to measure just how much potential they have.

Lie #8: Work-life balance matters most.

Work-life balance is a great aspiration, but it is important to remember that balance is stationary. So, if you feel like you are totally in balance, you are probably stagnant. The trick is to find activities that give you strength in work and in life, and then spend as much time as possible on those things. Of course, none of us can spend 100 percent of our time being happy. But if we are deliberate about spending time doing things that invigorate us, it lessens the chance of us burning out and increases the chance of us being happier and more productive.

Lie #9: Leadership is a thing.

The main thing Buckingham wants leaders to know about the power of human nature is that each human’s nature is unique. If we see this as a problem that needs to be fixed, that’s a shame. But if we make a home for the unique individuals, we can build work environments where people are seen and challenged to become a better version of themselves.

You may completely agree with what Buckingham has to say in this book, or you may question some of it. Either way, once again, he’ll give you something to think deeply about.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Marcus Buckingham, listen to the LeaderChat Podcast, and subscribe today. Order Nine Lies About Work on Amazon.com.

For more information on Marcus Buckingham, go to www.freethinkingleader.org