Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of customer support specialists. The job requires in-depth knowledge of our products (outdoor/climbing gear, some of it very technical), so we have provided a lot of training and oversight.

In the past year we lost two of our best people, and the executive team refused to let me replace them. Things have gone okay since then; we have had to extend wait times for customers and haven’t received a ton of complaints—but now I am feeling the pinch.

Our company offers unlimited PTO and I have two employees who submitted their time-off request at around the same time. I know my team can barely cover when one person goes out on vacation, let alone two people. Normally I would just approve PTO for the first person who got their request in, but one of them is getting married and the other has a daughter who is getting married.

I just can’t say no, obviously. But the situation is not good: summer is our busiest season and I am really worried about how we are going to manage the volume. If one of my people gets sick, we will have a full emergency on our hands.

I just don’t see how this minimum staffing policy is sustainable. The whole thing is stressing me out. I am having nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing.

I like the company. I think our products are amazing, I love our people, and I’ve always loved my job. I get calls from headhunters all the time—which I have always politely declined—but now I’m feeling like maybe I should pay attention.

I know I need to convince the higher-ups that it would be in the best interests of the company to restore the original size of the team, but I am not sure how. I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Squeezed

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Dear Squeezed,

This sounds tough—and familiar. The days of do more with less are clearly here to stay. In your case, it sounds like it has passed that point and now you are expected to pull a rabbit out of a hat. And it is taking a very real toll. People (including you) need to take vacations and attend big family events.

I appreciate that you are eyeing potentially greener grass, but learning to how to make and argue a business case is a skill that will serve you well.

In my experience, executives tend to not be that receptive to emotional distress. But they do pay attention to math and to issues that threaten the brand’s reputation—essentially, anything that could affect revenue.

Start tracking the data on wait times and complaints. It might also be smart to check your reviews to see if comments about slow service are showing up or have significantly increased. You say you haven’t received “a ton” of complaints, which implies you are receiving more than usual. Do a little research. Find data about wait times for support and what people are willing to tolerate. How much is too much time?

If your brand promise is built on customer service, increased wait times will absolutely erode the company’s reputation. Do whatever you can to clearly show that reduced access to customer service will eventually hurt sales, if it hasn’t already. The key is to use facts and data to create a compelling narrative. Include charts and graphs to influence the visual executives.

When it is time to make your case, be ready to state your position: customer service is understaffed and it is hurting our business and our reputation. Then concisely share how you arrived at your position. Be prepared for questions and pushback. Know what is stated in the employee handbook regarding PTO and vacation time. Practice with a friend to ensure that you stick to the facts—and keep emotion out of it.

This might get you one more person.

It would also behoove you to brainstorm other ideas with your team for how to solve the problem, so that you can offer solutions other than increased headcount. Ideas might include:

• Cross-train others in the organization so that they can cover when your people are out on PTO.
• Train temps who are willing to come in on a substitute basis. Perhaps the people who left might be willing to fill in on occasion.
• Use technology (AI, increased information on the website) to help your team manage the load with fewer people.

I found a very interesting report on customer service that might expand your thinking about solutions. It wouldn’t hurt to sharpen your own expertise in order to be as informed as possible about what other companies are doing. The more you know and are able to demonstrate you have done your homework, the greater the chance your senior team will listen to you.

Most companies have been focused on reducing expenses and becoming as lean as humanly possible. It doesn’t occur to anyone that it all works fine until someone needs a day or a week off. There must be extra coverage to account for the fact that you (inconveniently) employ humans.

Try your hand at advocating for what you need to keep your part of the business running smoothly, Squeezed. Get as smart as you can about your business to see how you might get creative.

If you can’t make headway, maybe it would be smart to take some of those calls from headhunters. If you must leave the company to maintain your own sanity, your company will have no one to blame but themselves.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a large regional business unit, and a few years ago all managers went through a coaching class. We learned to ask fewer why questions when coaching, and I have found it to be a helpful tip. I know it’s generally not a good idea to ask why questions, because they can put people on the defensive.

What is your advice on what to do when someone asks a why question?

I was recently asked one by a manager who works for me, who also went through the training and should know better.

I find myself not wanting to answer the question for fear I will appear defensive by even answering. I don’t see a good or productive way to answer the question, mainly because the way it was asked seemed to presume that I had done something wrong.

Is it rude to reframe the question the into a form I could answer? Like a politician?

This incident has made me realize that I seem to get a lot of these kinds of questions from this manager—questions I would prefer she answer for herself. It makes me concerned that she either can’t answer the questions or is kicking the questions up a level for some reason. Maybe she is asking for more support?

Confused and Confronted Leader

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Dear Confused and Confronted Leader,

This is an interesting one! For readers who wonder what is being discussed here, you can get some background from this article: Important Coaching Techniques Every Leader Should Practice. In most coaching skills programs, ours included, a fundamental is to ask better questions. This means, by and large, to ask what and how questions, as they tend to produce more useful answers. And it is true that why questions tend to put people on the defensive.

In your case, it is hard to formulate an answer without more detail, so I will proceed with general principles that hopefully pertain to your situation.

• Asking why questions when one should know better is simply a habit. I wouldn’t read too much into it. You might suggest that the why question be asked as a what or a how question.
• Just because someone asks a question doesn’t mean you have to answer it. If someone really needs an answer they will probably follow up and ask the question differently, or ask a different question altogether.
• The best way to respond to any question that makes you feel defensive is with curiosity. I guess you can always reframe the question, but you might try answering a tricky question with another question. For example: To respond to “Why was my team not told about this decision beforehand?” you might ask “What is happening among your team that concerns you?”
• One rule of thumb to consider whenever you feel defensive is to never take anything personally. You could ask yourself “How might I see this differently if I weren’t feeling attacked?”

The situation where your direct report keeps coming to you with questions she should be able to answer herself seems like a perfect opportunity to put on your coach hat. When anyone comes to you with questions you know in your heart they have the answers to, you can evoke their wisdom and simply ask (nicely of course) what they think the answer is. Either they will have good answers or you will discover they need a lot more direction than you realized. It is entirely possible your people do not see the big picture or have forgotten the reasons for a change being made. As a leader, you have to remember that anything you think is obvious, is not.

Finally, it sounds like you are uncomfortable with your people challenging you or doubting your authority. But it is better to have people around you who do that than a bunch of “yes” people who praise every decision and laugh at all of your jokes. That spells doom for any leader.

If your people seem to doubt your authority, you can always rely on the world’s best questions from our Conversational Capacity Program:

• What am I not seeing that you’re seeing?
• What’s your take on this idea?
• What does it look like from your angle?
• Are you seeing something I am missing?

Maybe they are doubting your authority and you would be well served to listen to them. Or maybe they just don’t understand and need you to spend more time explaining your thinking. Either way, they will be much more likely to have your back.

I hope there is something in here you can use.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your column on an employee who is too emotional. I have a similar problem, with some big differences. I don’t know why everyone says it is women who tend to be too emotional. I have a male colleague who is constantly melting down.

I’m not sure where he got the idea that everything he says or does should be met with 100% enthusiasm and support, but whenever he gets any kind of critique or has an idea that gets turned down, he just loses it. Anytime he is treated as anything less than a total star, his response is anger. And when he gets angry, he refuses to respond to emails and drops any number of balls that others depend on his catching so they can move forward. When I or any of several other team members have brought up this ridiculous behavior to our team lead, she acts as if she’s powerless.

I’ve kind of figured out how to work around him, which sometimes means doing tasks he should be doing. My biggest frustration is that he sits next to me, so I hear about his perceived injustices all day long. I also have to listen to him whining to his wife on the phone. I can’t fathom how she puts up with it.

It is a miracle that I haven’t told him to suck it up and stop griping. I am so sick of it I am actively looking for another job, even though I really like my company, my team, and my job. I would really like to stay but I don’t know how much longer I can keep myself from doing or saying something I regret.

How do I get this guy to grow up and stop acting like a big whiny baby?

Sick to Death of a Colleague

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Dear Sick to Death of a Colleague,

As I promised in last week’s response, I wanted to elaborate on the crazy idea that you approach the situation with Big Whiny Baby (BWB) with compassion. To do that, of course, you will have to put aside your judgment and put yourself in his shoes. How? Ask for a conversation and get really curious. You can ask questions like:

• Can you help me understand what triggers you?
• What goes on for you when you get upset?
• When you are upset, would it help you to talk about it or do prefer for us to leave you alone?
• As a team, what can we do to help you manage your frustrations?
• Have you noticed that we all throw out ideas and the ideas get better when we build on them?
• How might you keep from taking everything personally?

…and see what happens. Best case, he’ll be willing to open up to you, which will help you understand him better. A little understanding may help you put his behavior in perspective and may even help him calm down.

If your colleague is willing to talk, just listen and reflect back what you have heard.

• “What I heard you say is….”
• “It sounds like…”

Once you have finished the conversation, you can share that it is upsetting to the team when he gets so distraught—and you all really want to find a way to work together so things can stay on an even keel.

This would be taking the highest possible road, which I always encourage, of course. But it won’t be easy unless you find a way to truly care about BWB as a person.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your column on an employee who is too emotional. I have a similar problem, with some big differences. I don’t know why everyone says it is women who tend to be too emotional. I have a male colleague who is constantly melting down.

I’m not sure where he got the idea that everything he says or does should be met with 100% enthusiasm and support, but whenever he gets any kind of critique or has an idea that gets turned down, he just loses it. Anytime he is treated as anything less than a total star, his response is anger. And when he gets angry, he refuses to respond to emails and drops any number of balls that others depend on his catching so they can move forward. When I or any of several other team members have brought up this ridiculous behavior to our team lead, she acts as if she’s powerless.

I’ve kind of figured out how to work around him, which sometimes means doing tasks he should be doing. My biggest frustration is that he sits next to me, so I hear about his perceived injustices all day long. I also have to listen to him whining to his wife on the phone. I can’t fathom how she puts up with it.

It is a miracle that I haven’t told him to suck it up and stop griping. I am so sick of it I am actively looking for another job, even though I really like my company, my team, and my job. I would really like to stay but I don’t know how much longer I can keep myself from doing or saying something I regret.

How do I get this guy to grow up and stop acting like a big whiny baby?

Sick to Death of a Colleague

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sick to Death of a Colleague

Oh dear. This is a pickle indeed. It would be tragic for you to leave your job because of one annoying colleague. So right now, let’s think about just lowering the level of your frustration. It sounds as if you are almost looking for reasons to hate Big Whiny Baby (BWB) by letting his conversations into your consciousness—so first you need to tune him out. Get an excellent pair of headphones to wear so you can listen to music and put your attention on your work.

Then you’ll need a longer-term plan. I see a few possibilities here:

Option 1: Start with Yourself

This is your safest bet, because this is where you have the most control. Something about this person has triggered you and there might be some value in asking yourself what exactly is at the root of that. The more you can own the size—and frankly, the emotional quality (sorry)—of your reaction to BWB, the less of an impact his shenanigans will have on you. Maybe he reminds you of an annoying sibling. Maybe you take on too much and resent others who shirk. Maybe you grew up in a family where complaining was forbidden. What is it that has you lighting up instead of shaking your head and chuckling at the absurdity of BWB?

Once you pinpoint the source of your reaction, you can manage it. Choose to decide that you just don’t care enough to try to fix the situation. Tune BWB out; ignore him completely. Let this all just roll off your back and get on with things that really matter to you.

One crazy thought here: you might consider showing some true compassion to BWB by asking him if he would allow you to help him manage his frustration and take things less personally. This would be a sort of spiritual development program for you that would require you to somehow shelve your judgment and put yourself in service to him. I think this is a long shot, but I’ll add more on this topic as a part two, next week.

Option 2: Take a Stand with Your Manager

Go to your team lead and clearly lay out the extent of your frustration, focusing on BWB’s inability to do his job which forces you to work around him or sometimes even do his job. Make it clear that if you have to tolerate the situation much longer, you will be looking elsewhere for opportunities—but do not, under any circumstances, pull that card unless you truly intend to follow through.

If your direct supervisor refuses to do anything (it really is her job) or is simply incapable of doing anything, you might go up a level—but, of course, this is tricky. It could be a political faux pas in your company’s culture, or it could damage the relationship between you and your supervisor (although it sounds like you have already lost respect for her). However, if you do end up leaving, the reason would probably come out in the exit interview, so either way it will be a bit of a ding for her. It all depends on your level of relationship with your boss’s boss and your confidence that your own excellent work carries enough weight to make this feasible.

Option 3: Make a Direct Request of Your Coworker

Have a wildly uncomfortable but courageous conversation with BWB. If this option seems doable, use these guidelines:

DO:

• Ask if you can share your observations about what it is like to work with him, and ask if you can be frank.
• Keep your tone neutral. Stay, calm, cool and collected.
• Start all of your sentence steps with “I” vs. “you,” which can seem accusatory
• Stick with direct observations of his behavior and how they impact you; e.g., when he allows his emotions to distract him, it keeps him from completing critical tasks that you depend on; when he complains to you or to his wife on the phone, you get frustrated because it distracts you from your work.
• Make clear requests for how he might change his behaviors—but only the ones that directly affect you.
• Frame it that you find your working relationship with him suffering and that you are asking for changes to make it go more smoothly.
• Be sure to keep your judgment about gender or maturity out of it.
• Prepare by practicing clear statements that you simply repeat.

DON’T:

• Fall for his attempts to get you to say more.
• Reveal that “everybody feels the same way.”
• Let yourself get dragged into an argument—it will not go well.

Make your observations and/or requests and then clam up. You can literally say, “I have shared my requests with you and I am not saying anything else about it. I hope we can find a smoother way of working together.” And walk away. BWB will almost certainly want to turn it into another drama about him, so be stoic and strong.

As I write this, it is feeling like a terrible idea, because this would be an example of advanced boundary setting. If you don’t think you can keep your wits about you and stay composed, it probably won’t go as planned. I am not even sure that I would be able to do this—not that I am some boundary black belt, but I have been managing people for 30+ years and have raised four kids, so I do have some experience. It will help if you are first able to defuse your own anger and your attachment to your appraisal of BWB (which I guess I must share, since I keep calling him BWB). Either way, do not attempt it off the cuff. Only try it if you can prepare extensively.

The argument for this approach is that sometimes people have no idea whatsoever of the impact their behavior has on others. It sounds like BWB lives in his own little world and gets caught up in his own drama and is oblivious. Possibly a little straight talk will be a gift to him. Possibly not. There really is no way of knowing. Part of me even wonders if things could shift by you simply saying what you want to say: “Oh stop complaining; no one wants to hear it; suck it up, bub,” and be done with it. It’s not really mean, just straight and to the point. Clearly, his wife isn’t going to do this.

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that finding a way to shift your own attitude about this situation seems, at the very least, the best first step. Water off a duck’s back. This won’t be the last coworker who drives you mad. It’s just part of life, so learning to let people be who they are without letting it bug you will be a skill that will serve you well.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I just read your blog Boss Talks Over You? and wow—can I relate! My problem is similar. My boss constantly interrupts me while I am speaking in meetings. She causes me to lose my focus by introducing a new, relevant topic even before I’m done with my introductory remarks.

I am so tired of it and need to make it stop, but have no idea how.

What to do?

Losing Patience

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Losing Patience

This is clearly an epidemic. We can hope that all of the folks reading this column who are interrupters might recognize themselves and cut it out. But most people are oblivious to their tendency to interrupt; rather, they think of themselves as being excited and creative.

It is one thing to handle interruptions from peers—but when it’s your boss, it’s extra tricky. I offer a few possible approaches, all of which involve either taking a stand or letting it go. I suggest you develop a plan for deploying one of them, or a combination of all of them, depending on your circumstances.

Set expectations with your audience before you begin. It’s possible that when you set yourself up properly, you won’t need any other tactic. Before you start your presentation, say to everyone: “I am going to present the results of the survey, share the thinking my team has already done about the results, and then I’ll open the floor for questions and brainstorming. Does that work for everyone?” Basically, you are saying: I have a plan here, so please let me go ahead with it. That might just do the trick.

Speak to your boss offline. This takes some guts and is an option only if you have a decent relationship. To access your courage, you will want to script out what to say and practice with someone safe—a friend, partner, or colleague. You will need to state your position and make a request: “When I am presenting and you interrupt, it really throws me. You always have value to add and your topics are always relevant, so I really want to hear what you have to say. My request is that you save your new topics for after we have finished with the task at hand.” Honestly, if one of my people said that to me, I would be mortified and would be on my best behavior, at least for a while.

There is a very good chance that your boss has no idea she is interrupting and is, therefore, oblivious to any effect it has on you. She probably does it to everyone—so you actually could end up making life better for your entire department. Of course, you run the risk of offending your boss and damaging the relationship, so it will be a judgment call for you.

Practice dealing with it in the moment. You might combine this approach with #1. When you are interrupted, gently redirect: 

“That’s a great idea—let’s put it up on the white board parking lot so we can come back to it in the debrief.” 

“Would you mind holding that thought for right now, so we can focus on ____________?”

“Please let me finish my thought.”

“It would be really helpful if we could stay focused on this part—but I look forward to getting to your great idea in a moment.”

There is no guarantee it will work, but it won’t be a good look for your boss, and it probably will.

Prepare for an interruption. Be emotionally ready for it. Find a way to maintain focus and manage your negative emotions. Be prepared to be interrupted and decide it doesn’t matter. Breathe, let it go, engage in the new conversation, and just let it be okay. If you are worried you will lose focus and forget where you were, jot down a note to yourself with the beginning of what you were about to say. When it makes sense, jump back in: “Okay, great! Let’s get back to the results. The next thing I wanted to share is …” This approach is an option only if you can really let it go, not hold a grudge and let resentment build. Resentment is corrosive and will end up ruining the relationship if left to fester. So if you really like your boss and respect her quick mind, her creativity, and how her thinking improves everyone else’s thinking, you might be able to make this one work.

At least when you are a boss, you won’t interrupt. You have that going for you. Good luck with this.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I just read your blog Boss Keeps Interrupting You? Ask Madeleine. Excellent points there, particularly the pre-meeting meeting. My problem is a boss who talks over me chronically.

I am the EVP of Marketing. My CEO believes he has a high and authoritative understanding of every marketing topic. My experience is that you can fake marketing until it comes to results. Although I have a good rapport and mutual respect with my colleagues, I’m often left flustered in a group meeting.

Unfortunately, results get compromised as the CEO changes his mind on campaigns or events at the worst possible time despite briefings, confirmations, and published timelines. I am not a good advocate for myself in this situation, as I know challenging or correcting the CEO would be a career limiting activity.

I could use an idea or two.

CEO Whiplash

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear CEO Whiplash,

Thanks for the kind words. I love it when past articles prompt interesting questions!

There are two separate issues here. One is your CEO wreaking havoc. The other is your self-assessment that you get flustered and that you are not a good advocate for yourself.

Let’s start with your CEO who is frustrating you. CEOs usually fit one of two personality profiles:

1. The very cerebral, analytical, organized thinker who probably is a lot smarter than anyone else in the room (and—weirdly—usually taller). This CEO is seeking sound logical thinking and accuracy, and Excel is their first native language.

OR

• The visionary, super creative entrepreneur who moves way faster than everyone else and changes the plan with no thought as to how it will affect the troops. This CEO thinks in pictures and stories and gets really excited by new ideas.

These two profiles present very different challenges. It sounds like you would do very well with Profile #1, but your CEO is #2. So how do you successfully keep up and manage the personality profile I like to think of as “Taz”? (Based on the cartoon character Tasmanian Devil, this happens to be a profile I’ve become extremely familiar with.)

The thing to understand about folks with this profile is that they tend to think out loud, which can cause real confusion.

A client of mine recently was appalled that one of his direct reports spent an entire weekend creating a full plan to deliver on an idea that had been floated in a Friday meeting. My client didn’t even think it was a good idea and forgot all about it, but he felt terrible that it ruined someone’s weekend. After some thought, he went back to his team and said, “In my mind, there are three kinds of idea conversations: the speculation conversation, the evaluation conversation, and the planning conversation. All of these conversations need to happen before anybody takes dedicated action—especially time-consuming action.”

I suspect your CEO has the same thing going on, but doesn’t have the self-awareness to realize it. So when he is throwing out ideas and speculating on potentially changing your carefully crafted plans, he could very well be simply brainstorming. Speculating. You are right that correcting or challenging your CEO, especially in front of others, would not be good for you. But there is a big difference between a confrontation in the moment and acting on everything that comes out of your CEO’s mouth. Right now those are the two options you have created for yourself. I recommend you expand your options because both of those are bad for you. You need alternatives that not only ensure your CEO feels heard and validated, but also keep you from being overwhelmed with change orders that aren’t going to produce the desired results.

From lose/lose to win/win.

What this means for you is that you have to listen carefully to your CEO, reflect back all of his ideas (no matter how silly or absurd), and make sure he feels fully heard. How to do this? Use classic negotiating techniques: mirror back everything your CEO says, and label.

A conversation from the past might have gone something like this:

CEO: “Hey, that email campaign should include the new product idea we are considering.”

You: “Uhhhhh.” (You’re thinking it’s a terrible idea.)

CEO: “You know, so we can share info on the one we are launching, but also seed the newest ideas and maybe get feedback.”

You: “Well …” (You’re thinking, oh god, that will never work.)

CEO: “Yeah, don’t you think we could share news on the new stuff but also be doing market research?”

You: “Actually, it doesn’t really work well to do that.”

CEO (cutting you off): “I think we should totally try it.”

Chris Voss, author of Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As if Your Life Depends on It accurately says that people hear your inner voice as well as they hear your outer voice. So if you are thinking, “OMG this guy is a complete moron,” your CEO will hear it and then dig his heels in to drive his point home. So keep that inner voice in its corner, keep the judgment off your face, and try mirroring.

A future conversation could go something like this:

CEO: “Hey, that email campaign should include the new product idea we are considering.”

You: “Include the new product?” (Taking notes.)

CEO: “You know, so we can share info on the one we are launching, but also seed the newest ideas and maybe get feedback.”

You: “Get feedback.” (Nodding yes.)

CEO: “Yeah, don’t you think we could share news on the new stuff but also be doing market research?”

You: “Market research.” (Looking intrigued.)

CEO: “Actually, you already have a whole market research project going on, don’t you? That’s probably a bad idea.”

When you use mirroring and keep your curious/open-minded hat on, chances are that your CEO will either come to the reasonable conclusion himself or forget all about it. So how do you keep your curious hat on, you ask? Remember that your CEO is, in fact, the CEO—so he probably isn’t a complete idiot. He may even throw out a truly innovative idea occasionally. So keep your ears open for it!

This will keep you from having to worry about arguing, correcting, or advocating for your own ideas in the moment, which is fiendishly difficult for most of us. Even if that doesn’t quite work out, it will be worth developing the skill.

Mirroring is the next step.

You: “It sounds like you feel strongly that we should alter the email campaign for the release to do double duty, is that right?”

CEO: “Yeah, what do you think of that?”

You: “I hadn’t considered it. There might be a good idea there. Let me take the idea and flesh it out to see how it could work, okay?”

The beauty of this approach is that you aren’t caving in immediately to his demands—you are saying “maybe.” “No” feels like a loss, while “maybe” feels like possibility. Nobody likes “no.” Shifting to “maybe,” “let me think about it,” “wow, good thinking, let me consider that,” or “let me research that and get back to you” is an excellent move for people who are struggling to maintain boundaries.

Then, jot down a quick outline of the fleshed-out idea with all the reasons it is a bad idea (research, experiences you have had) and have it in your back pocket for the moment your CEO asks about it. Be ready with your excellent arguments that show “that idea won’t get us the results we want, and here’s why.” You probably won’t ever need this because I am willing to bet money on his forgetting about it immediately.

If push comes to shove with your CEO, you can take better care of yourself by being ready to ask “What do you really want me to do with this idea? Do you want me to create a plan to show you, or is this an idea you simply want me to consider carefully?” The key to managing conversations with people who cut you off and never let you talk is to keep your contributions either short or in the form of a question.

As you say, the key is your results. If you nod your head yes, listen carefully, and change absolutely nothing about what you do after the meeting or how you are delivering, there is a very good chance that all will be well. And you’ll have some new skills you can use with a cranky neighbor, a teenager, or the next customer service representative you have to wrestle with.

Let me know how it goes.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a division leader for a family-owned manufacturing company. The family members have somewhat antiquated views and are not particularly socially sensitive. My challenge is how to respond to the pronouns I’m seeing on recent email. For example, I am now seeing She/Her or He/Him on email signatures and video conference meetings with people outside of our company. One of my peers in our industry in another company just put xe/xem on xer email (which is correct usage).

My question is this: as a manager, should I add pronouns on my communications to make it safe for my team members to do so also? I have one person on my team who I think would appreciate it, but what about other people who might roll their eyes and see it as a political statement?

What is my responsibility with this issue?

She, He, Xe, Ze, What?

Dear She, He, Xe, Ze, What?

I appreciate your sensitivity to something that seems like a new wrinkle for you. People who are members of or who know and love members of the LGBTQ community have a head start on this trend. And it is very much a work in progress, as is all human evolution.

Your responsibility is to your own leadership values and to your organization’s values, in that order. (If you’ve never thought about your leadership values, a process to do that can be found here.) It is possible that, antiquated as it may be, your company does have stated values. If your desire to role model inclusion flies directly in the face of your company’s stated values, you are going to be in for some pushback. You may even already know that the stated values are pure lip service and that the real but implicit values are another thing altogether. Eye rolling notwithstanding, the real challenge will come when you get a cease-and-desist order from above. I hate to say that you might find yourself well served by dusting off your LinkedIn profile and resume. You will know based on your experience in the organization.

If you feel that it is part of your job as a leader to role model fairness and inclusion, then that is where your responsibility lies. But let’s not kid ourselves—it takes an awful lot of courage to stand by your values and standards for yourself. Not everyone is cut out for the fight. You need to make a conscious choice about just what you are signing up for. Maybe your answer is “Yes, that is what I need to do, but not right this minute; I will get my ducks in a row, educate myself, make a plan, and go for it at some future date.” Or you may decide it is not your fight to fight. I am not judging, but that doesn’t mean that others aren’t.

Some thoughts if you do decide to take the next step:

• Would you be comfortable contacting your peer who is already using the pronouns to ask if they might be willing to talk to you about their experience and point of view on the topic? Call me crazy, but I think if people are putting it out there, they are probably open to talking about it.
• You could speak with each of your team members individually or as a group. Maybe start with just introducing the topic, sharing some questions, and inviting conversation. Not everyone will want to speak up, and that’s okay. Focus on creating an environment of curiosity and openness vs. driving for definitive answers and positions. Many folks are in the exploration stage of this topic, so if your team can explore together, wouldn’t that be grand!
• One of my colleagues puts her pronouns on her email signature and provides a link to information for people who are mystified right next to it, like this: Pronouns: She/Her (learn more). This is a cool way to join the conversation while also inviting others to be curious.

It seems that pretty much everything can be interpreted as a political statement these days. We could allow the current climate to shut us down and crawl into a safe little hole—and again, I wouldn’t blame you; things are complex enough. But because you care enough to ask, I suspect you are a person who also cares about the experience that others not like you are having in the world. All I can say is that you will have to let your heart be your guide.

It is quite a can of worms, isn’t it? But you are clearly aware and thoughtful. I trust you will find your way to the right thing for you, right now.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I run operations for a regional (UK/Europe) division of a real estate and relocation company. I have several functions reporting up to me, and right now two of them are at war. All day every day I have emails flying in from both sides, pointing fingers, blaming, asking for the other side to follow the rules, and generally whining.

I am hindered by two things: the affinity I have for the function I used to lead before I was promoted, and a history of having experienced bullying from the other function. It is almost impossible for me not to take sides. I get angry as I find myself getting dragged in while feeling both emotionally involved and ineffective.

There is so much work to do—and the pressure to perform with an increased workload due to new projects brought on by the COVID virus is only half the problem. I can barely think straight.

I am sure there are some logical steps to take and I am hoping you can help.

At War

Dear At War,

This sounds like situation normal to me. There is a lot of guidance and information out there for how to get a team to work together more effectively, but not a whole lot for how to get two separate functions or teams to interface without constant tension. In fact, most organizations are set up in such a way that natural tensions are common—sales vs. marketing, delivery vs. operations, you name it. It’s the Shirts vs. the Skins at work for most people every day. Leaders like you tend to be able to keep the static at a dull roar until extraordinary pressure is applied—and then, well, all hell breaks loose. And who isn’t feeling extraordinary pressure these days?

So, yes, I do have some logic for you. Let’s remember, though, that humans aren’t logical—and when their brains are flooded with adrenaline 24/7 they tend to get less logical. But let’s apply some logic and see if it helps.

First, calm your own fight response. You recognize that you are part of the problem, which is great, and now you need to cut it out. Step back, take some deep breaths, remember that you are the leader, and ask yourself how you can rise above the fray. The best way I know of to do this is to remember that all of the offenders are just people, acting like people, with their own reasons for doing what they are doing. Put yourself in the shoes of the people who are making you furious. How? Talk to them. But not until you are sure you can be curious and ask questions in a non-defensive way. We’ll get to how to do that in a minute.

To prepare, you will need to practice in whatever way you have previously learned to manage your own emotions—exercise, meditation, prayer. If you don’t have a way, now is the time to learn one. I know, it is hard to try something new when you are already overwhelmed, but you must. If nothing else, try taking deep breaths, counting your breaths, counting to 10, turning off your video and going on mute to scream (don’t scare the dog!). Here is another post on this topic that may help. Do whatever it takes—your leadership effectiveness depends on your ability to self-regulate.

Next, reach out and make time to meet with the leaders of the two functions. Prepare some good questions and just listen. When you do speak, start with candor: “I understand there are tensions between your team and another team. I would like to understand your perception of what is going on, and I’m hoping we can find a way to smooth things out.”

Note: You are going to want to get in there and explain your position and try to solve the problem by getting others to see it your way and behave themselves. That never works. So park that impulse.

You must go into conversations ready to deeply empathize with the person’s experience and point of view. You earn the right to advocate for your own position only by fully understanding theirs—and demonstrating that you understand it. It can feel like belaboring the issue to repeat back in your own words what you have heard, but it is an extremely effective way of allowing people to feel heard. And it can change your own thinking to boot.

Then and only then can you share your point of view. Some sentence stems that may help:

“This is how I see things—how is your perception different?”

“I may have a blind spot here, help me to see it.”

“It would be useful if you could help me to improve how I am looking at this.”

“What would our critics think of how we are shaping our approach?”

I am not making this up—it comes from our new Conversational Capacity^® program that I am just crazy about. The whole idea is to find the sweet spot between curiosity and candor. I tend to err on the side of candor and have to work awfully hard to settle into the curiosity portion of the program.

Finally, remember that, like you, everyone is doing the best they can given their level of awareness and their experience. No one wakes up in the morning with the intention to go to work and bully people. (Well, most don’t.) If there really are some nasty, bad apples in the mix, they will be exposed—and it will be up to the functional leaders to address. But the truth will be revealed only through deep and courageous conversations, and you will provide the leadership for making that happen.

This is your moment, At War. Your testing ground. You must rise and you can rise to the occasion. It will probably take everything you have, and it will be worth it.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.