Dear Madeleine,

I work in communications in a multi-national, publicly owned company. I report to our CHRO with a dotted line to marketing. My job is to make sure our messaging is consistent across all our countries.

Our CEO and his executive team recently rolled out a complex strategic vision for the next five years, which included a small but significant reorganization and some new plans. I created the initial coms plan, which my boss took to the executive team. They made a few tweaks and signed off on it. I was so proud of the plan—I used research about change management to create it.

The big vision and the plans were announced at a town hall meeting. It went fine. Some people were freaked out, but that was to be expected. The next week I delivered the follow-up script and deck to the executive team for the FAQ meeting that had been scheduled, only to be told it had been canceled and that I should reschedule it for a month out. I complied, only to have it canceled again. I asked what date might work and got crickets. I have had it on my 1×1 agenda every week, but my boss cancels often as there are always more pressing issues. In the meantime, the entire coms plan is now a full quarter behind. In my last meeting with my boss, he informed me that the CEO doesn’t really see what he is trying to make happen as a “change” and doesn’t see the need to continue focusing on it. Our CEO apparently said, “If we keep talking about it, it will just encourage people to complain more. I want people to just get on with it.”

I get multiple emails a day from department heads asking when the FAQs are going to be ready, along with other questions I don’t have answers to. It is not my place to send anything without my boss’s say so. I feel completely helpless to influence what is looking to me like a train headed off a cliff.

I have been working in companies long enough to know anything that’s different from the status quo is a change, and change needs to be managed carefully and supported with lots of information and conversation. How can I influence my boss to influence the CEO? I am so frustrated.

Helpless

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Dear Helpless

Yours is not the first CEO to be a technically brilliant, gifted strategist who is utterly clueless about how humans operate. Nor is he the first who fails to listen to the people hired to help them accomplish their goals. Is it ego? Self-regard? Hubris? Who knows?

Your CHRO should know better than to allow what is certainly a huge change to go unmanaged. I hate to say it, but it is on his head if the whole thing flops miserably. Cold comfort, I know. But you did your job. You created the plan—it really is not your fault if it is ignored.

You must ask yourself what is within your control here. What if you were to suggest creating a site on the company’s intranet in which you can post the FAQs? Perhaps you could create an email address where people can send questions, just so you can show your boss that the problem is escalating. Instead of waiting for a 1×1, email him to suggest these things, and let him know that unless you hear otherwise, you will go ahead. That way, you take care of people who need answers and you have covered your tail in case your CEO gets upset. There is a good chance he won’t even notice.

Part of me wants to suggest that you write a letter to your CEO explaining that sharing suggestions for what he can do to vastly improve the chances that his people will “get on with it”. But I know in my heart that it will probably not result in anything positive for you. If you thought it had a chance of working, you would have already done that. Continue to surface the issue with your own boss until he tells you to stop. Maybe you could send him a letter outlining the best practices, with supporting research and statistics making the case that he could use with the CEO. But you must guard against being too attached to an outcome.

I am sure you have plenty of other work to do, so figure out what you can do without burning a bridge and let it go. If you continue to nurse your disappointment, it will only end up hurting you.

You might, of course, consider finding work at a company where the leadership is better and you think you can make an impact. There are some decent leaders out there—just not very many.

You can’t take it to heart when people in power refuse to listen to reason. Just do your best. That’s all you can do. Chalk it up to experience, try to find the humor, and move on.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a large team of accounting professionals for a company of about 4800 employees. I have worked very hard to create a great team, and I have excellent, dedicated people.

My problem is our payroll manager (PM). He is generally very easy-going and a hard worker. He is a whiz at working with our software provider. He catches errors and has proved invaluable.

The issue is this: PM can be very off-putting when an employee calls with a problem—and when it is an executive with a huge salary, he is at his very worst. We have received complaints from enough people that my boss is on my case now. I have tried to offer him feedback and have recommended that he take a customer service class that is in our online learning library.

Recently, PM said something insulting to a regional VP of sales. I didn’t hear it because I was in a conference room, but we have an open office plan and a bunch of people did hear it. I am just waiting for a complaint to come in. When I approached him about the incident, he admitted that he had been triggered by the VP’s attitude, which he perceived as condescending and abusive.

He appears to resent how much money some people make, and he has told me several times that he thinks everyone in accounting is underpaid, especially him. All of us (including me) are paid proper market rate for people in our profession. It is true that jobs in accounting don’t pay as well as they once did.

I told PM that his growing reputation is not going to help me make the case to get him a raise. He got mad at me, cut the conversation short, and walked -away shaking his head. Since then he has been very cranky with everyone. On one hand, I am afraid he will quit. On the other hand, I kind of wish he would quit, because if he can’t change his attitude I will have to fire him.

I keep trying different angles to help him, but can’t seem to find anything that works. I don’t know what to do. How can I help PM deal with his resentment and stop being rude to our customers?

Want to Help

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Dear Want to Help,

I appreciate your desire to help. The rule I will remind you of right out of the gate is that you can’t save people who don’t want to be saved. In my darker hours, I am almost 100% certain that you can’t save people, period. Though I could be wrong about that.

It can be hard to face the ugly truth that the profession you trained for doesn’t pay as well as others. This might come as a surprise to PM if he got into accounting because he liked it and was good at it, but didn’t research compensation before he made his choice. It can be a huge challenge to offer impeccable customer service to people who are jerks and who make (what might be judged as) entirely too much money. Money is simply a big, fat trigger for a lot of people—certainly for many people who feel underpaid and/or undervalued.

Customer service takes a special kind of person, and I am not sure an online course is going to help someone who simply isn’t cut out for it. If you Google personality traits of excellent customer service representatives, you will find words like empathy, positivity, friendliness, and approachability. I am not saying it is impossible for PM to develop these, but it is probably a long shot.

I do have some ideas for you:

• Go super direct. Ask PM if he wants to stay in the job and find a way to make it work. That might speed up what happens next. If the answer is yes, tell him he can be mad and cranky all he wants but it isn’t going to change the requirements of the job, which is that he treat any company employee who needs his help with civility and respect. You can share that he is an excellent technical professional, you want to make it work, you believe in second chances, and you are okay with giving him one last chance—but if there is one more incident, you will have to let him go. If the answer is no, well, you know what to do.
• Change the job. If it is at all possible, look into changing PM’s job so he doesn’t have to work directly with customers. Find someone on the team who is naturally kind, caring, non-judgmental, and service oriented to field customer calls. That person can then troubleshoot with PM and get back to the customer. I understand this may prompt a change in job descriptions, which can be a pain in the neck.  The practice of re-designing jobs to suit the people in them rather than hiring the right person for the job can wreak havoc, especially in huge companies.  It all depends on how confident you are in your ability to find someone who can be good at all aspects of the job.
• Let the chips fall where they may. Continue to give feedback and wait for PM to do something that will get him fired. This won’t reflect well on you, but you wouldn’t be the first manager to resort to this option.

Once PM has calmed down, you might consider having a heart-to-heart. If you think he trusts you enough, you can remind him that you are on his side, you care, and you want to set him up to win. You might suggest that he work with a coach or therapist to help him rethink his professional options if he is so bitterly disappointed with the pay—or, at least, to help him deal with whatever triggers him so he can gain more self-control.

It is obvious that you want to help. It makes sense that you want to retain someone who is so technically capable. But, in the end, it will be up to PM to decide if he wants to change. If he can’t—or won’t—there is not a whole lot you can do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a fully remote team and have one member who is wonderful—when he is able to focus on work. His contribution is valuable, he is easy to get along with, and other team members depend on his experience and wisdom. But he is always dealing with some kind of personal crisis.

He has had several health challenges, as have his family members. His partner is an ER nurse who is 100% focused when she is at her job, so all the appointments—and childcare—fall on him.

He has multiple pets, all of whom have special needs. He was affected by serious flooding in one of the last big weather events (his car literally floated away) and his home now has black mold in the walls. His remaining parent needs a lot of care. The list goes on and on.

I want to be empathetic, but with the advent of Covid and everyone working from home, I feel like work is last on his list of priorities. He often fails to deliver on deadlines but always has a logical reason. And, to be fair, he is good at managing expectations and communicating when he is not on track with deliverables.

How can I continue to be empathetic while helping him increase his commitment to work?

Torn

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Torn,

Boy, does this sound familiar. We managers all seem to have a fantasy in which our employees have partners whose job it is to manage the home, the kids, the pets, and the aging parents. This may have been the norm several decades ago, but most households today are only kept afloat with two full-time jobs. And that only really works when everything goes perfectly—another fantasy world in which no one gets sick, pets don’t age, parents remain completely independent, and fierce hurricanes don’t wash our cars away.

It is one thing to deal with one predicament at a time; quite another to have a laundry list of never-ending crises with no end in sight. Flooding is no joke. It is a traumatic event. I think your employee probably needs to focus on stabilizing before he can increase his commitment to work. It seems that you have a valuable team member who is in a pitched battle to just get through each day, and that it would serve you both to sit down and have a serious discussion about reality.

Perhaps there needs to be a conversation about making a change, at least temporarily, while your employee gets his own health challenges and the disaster recovery activities under control. Here are some ideas to consider:

• Have your employee consider going part-time, or even taking some time off and applying for disability.
• Talk to your HR person and get clear on the company policies related to paid time off, emergency leave, or other benefits that might be applicable in his situation. Ensure he is aware of his rights and options.
• Brainstorm a shift in workload/task assignments.
• Look into your company’s Employee Assistance Program. There may be therapy or coaching available to help your person talk through all of his responsibilities and help him get organized.
• Check into support resources that might be available for dealing with the aftermath of flooding—disaster relief organizations or government agencies that could provide assistance.

It is clear that your employee’s current situation is untenable, and it isn’t fair to either of you to not face the facts. You can remind him how valuable he is to the team, and how much you appreciate his contribution, and that it is your job to help him so he can bring his best.

Be clear, kind, and direct that something has to give or he is on track for increased health problems. Craft a plan together that you both can live with.

Remember to maintain confidentiality about what you come up with, but also share with your team that their teammate is working to manage his circumstances. They must be wondering.

Life can be hard, and sometimes really hard. Do everything you can to support your employee to help him through this particularly hard patch.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the director of ecommerce marketing for a fairly new and innovative global digital logistics company. The marketing team is huge; there are three other directors for other kinds of marketing and we are all very busy.

My problem is with my boss, our CMO. She is brilliant, she does a great job with strategy, and all her teams have clear mandates—and apparently, we are all getting great results. The problem is that she often gets into the weeds. She has a huge job, and yet she insists on reading every blog, looking at every word of copy, and vetting every little thing we do. We end up losing a lot of time waiting for her to approve everything, which sometimes interferes with our timelines.

Things move fast in our business. We need to be able to make decisions and move quickly. Our value statements and messaging tracks have been carefully crafted, and there is very little chance that we are going to make any huge errors. But my boss always seems stressed and overwhelmed, and I am sure her insistence on micromanaging is at least partially responsible.

It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Sometimes I want to ask her if she doesn’t have better things to do than watch us like a hawk. I admire her and we have a good relationship, but I don’t know how to share this feedback with her.

Boss in The Weeds

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Boss in The Weeds,

It is incredibly common for senior leaders to have a hard time letting go. The attention to detail and dedicated oversight you describe is what got your boss promoted to her executive job. Somehow she didn’t get the memo that she can’t, and shouldn’t, do things the same way she used to. She will have to figure this out soon or she will alienate her directors or simply burn out. I recently included that exact point in an article published on the CLO website: 12 Things Your Executive Coach Wants You to Know. You may want to share it with your boss. Here is the excerpt:

“What got you here (really) won’t get you there. Marshall Goldsmith wins the award for best book title because truer words have never been said. Most people are promoted to managing others because they are exemplary individual contributors, which does not predict management talent. The next move from managing individuals to managing managers requires an entirely new perspective and a different set of skills. And the same is true when leaders move from managing managers to managing businesses. When people are promoted, they often believe they can rely on what they have always done that has made them successful. In fact, doing those things will get in the way of trying and getting good at new things.”

It is hard for a subordinate to give the kind of feedback you want to give. I understand why you want to ask her the question you mention, but that won’t get you the result you are looking for.

You could, however, try another approach; something along the lines of “Hey, I want you to know that I think my job is to make your job easier. I notice you seem to have a hard time trusting me and my team. I wonder what evidence you would need to be able to trust that we know what we are doing and we won’t disappoint you. I would love for you to be able to focus on the 90 shmillion other things you need to be paying attention to.”

You may learn something. Your boss may share concerns she has—what she is afraid might happen. She may take the opportunity to articulate for you the evidence that would make a difference for her. Or she may take a moment to think about it and change the way she supervises you and your team.  It is entirely possible that the two of you will come up with some kind of weekly review that will maintain her comfort level and let you get on with things. Consider drafting an example of what one could look like.

Then again, she may not bite.

To solve your immediate conundrum, you could start letting her know her deadlines for signing off on things so that your deliverables aren’t late. Ultimately, though, this isn’t really your problem. She has to figure out for herself out how to let go. If she is willing to let you help her with that, great! If she isn’t, well, she will get the life she has.

It is nice that you care. It’s worth taking a shot.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a partner in a medium-sized professional services organization headquartered in a large metropolitan city. I was recently at a private social function that some employees of my company also attended. It was quite a party, and pretty much everyone had way too much to drink, including me.

One employee, a person I have known and liked for a long time, made an error in judgment and approached me about a professional work issue late in the proceedings. She said a lot of things she really shouldn’t have said—things I wish I hadn’t heard—including critical pieces of information that affect the business.

I feel an obligation to report some of what she told me to the rest of the executive team. This essentially would reveal her as the source, which could seriously hurt her reputation.

I am torn. It was not a company event. If it had been, the decision would be a no-brainer.

What would you do?

Bad Hangover

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Bad Hangover,

Just when I think I have heard everything, something new shows up. This is a perfect example of why work and alcohol never mix.

I honestly don’t know what I would do—but I can share the options I would consider carefully before doing anything rash. This is a tough one. As a partner, you are presumably an agent or officer of the organization. Your knowing something and not sharing could come back to haunt you if this were to become a legal problem. The fact that you just happened to find out at a private event may not be relevant.

The first thing to do might be to talk to Loose Lips and share your concerns with her. Chances are she won’t even remember having said what she did. She will probably be embarrassed and horrified. Explain the quandary she has created for you. If what she revealed is true, you can ask her to consider sharing what she knows with the appropriate person(s) in a suitable way. If nothing else, it will alert the employee to her irresponsible behavior so she can prepare herself for whatever consequences might be in store for her.

If she declines to escalate the issue, I think your next step would be to bring it to your head of HR and get their input.

You will be tempted to share what you heard with others, and I encourage you not to do that. Don’t tell anyone who doesn’t need to know. It will ignite gossip and could wreak havoc.

Ultimately, you are going to need to find a balance between guarding the best interests of the organization and mitigating the damage that might come to the employee who made a mistake.

I am sorry for you, and sorry for her. Proceed with caution, try not to judge, and be kind.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team in a large company that recently went to an Unlimited PTO policy. I am glad, because tracking and trying to get people to take their PTO was a pain.

So far, it has worked pretty well. The policy is that people need to request holiday time in advance, mainly so I can cover for people and not have too many people out at the same time. As a team we try to stagger summer holidays and take turns being on call for the big ones that everyone takes, summer Fridays, etc.

My problem is one of my team members—I will call her “S”—who calls in sick almost every Monday. I didn’t really notice it until it started to happen regularly. I also have noticed that she never accepts Monday meetings. Other team members are making jokes about how we can’t have certain meetings on Mondays if S needs to be there.

When S comes in on Tuesdays, I can smell the alcohol on her. I suspect she is partying so hard on the weekends that it bleeds into Mondays and she thinks that is okay. I actually don’t know if that’s true, but something really feels off about this. Thoughts?

Monday Madness

______________________________________________________________

Dear Monday Madness,

Something is off. When other team members start cracking jokes about something, it is your cue that it is long past time to address it.

I can only assume you have an HR business partner, so you need to check in with that person to get the details on the Unlimited PTO policy. Most require the employee to clear PTO with the manager in advance (as you mentioned), and a doctor’s note is required for extended time off due to illness. The whole idea behind PTO is to give people the flexibility and freedom they need to manage their lives and choose how to manage their time to get their work done.

The fact that you and your team are having to schedule around S is an indication that she is using the policy incorrectly—so you must step in. Her cavalier “I just don’t work on Mondays” thing is way out of bounds and you need to put a stop to it pronto. The reasons ultimately don’t matter. If S actually is dealing with an illness, she needs to tell you and work with you to manage her schedule and properly support her in getting the help she needs.

The question of her smelling of alcohol is a separate issue. If she is partying like a maniac, it isn’t really your business unless it keeps her from showing up to work. And you don’t know if that is the case, even though it might seem that way. You can be prepared to share information about mental health and substance abuse support if your company has an EAP program in case S reveals anything that makes that appropriate.

There is a good possibility S is just confused about what Unlimited PTO really means.

Get the facts, get some solid language from HR, practice if you feel shaky, and then say what needs to be said without blame or judgment. Be clear with S about what is required and what is unacceptable. And offer appropriate help if it is needed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a branch manager for a regional bank. We are a small crew, and everyone reports into me. Things run smoothly for the most part. I have one team member—an older woman—who has terrible body odor. It is so off putting that I lose focus each time she comes near my desk. During our one-on-ones I have to breathe through my mouth. I am not exaggerating to say my eyes water.

This employee is fairly new, and is not a teller, so up to now it hasn’t been an issue with customers. But our lobby is closed and most customers use the drive-through. In the rare instance where we do allow customers into the bank, everyone is wearing masks. Eventually, though, we will open up again, we won’t be wearing masks, and I’m sure customers will notice.

A long-time employee that I have a great relationship with called me after work a few weeks ago and told me everyone is talking about this and I need to do something. I am a 32-year-old man and I just can’t think of how to approach this situation.

I really don’t want to hurt the woman’s feelings, but literally the entire office is looking to me to do something about it because everyone is suffering.

Delicate Situation

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Delicate Situation,

Delicate indeed. This is a classic. Kudos to you for taking a moment to think this through. In my youth, I was an exercise teacher and my 7 a.m. class ganged up on me and told me I had to intervene with a regular who had the same problem. I was intimidated into acting with no preparation. I bungled it terribly and the member left the club and never came back. The owner of the club was furious. I was mortified. I couldn’t tell you what I said because I have successfully blocked out the entire thing. It got tucked into the same Black Box of Shame where I also store the time I asked an exercise client when her baby was due, and she snapped that she wasn’t pregnant. You only do that once, I can tell you. But I was young and stupid, and you are not.

You can’t avoid it—mainly because you have an audience and it is your job. If you don’t do something soon, someone will say something or do something offensive like spraying air freshener in the direction of the stinky employee. The next thing you know, you’ll have a hostile work environment lawsuit on your hands.

Step one is to talk to your HR representative, for a couple of reasons. If you are lucky, there might be something in the employee handbook about dress code and hygiene. That would give you a leg to stand on—to be able to point to a regulation that was shared at the beginning of the woman’s employment. It will also serve to give HR a heads up in case things go poorly and they get a complaint from this employee. You may even have an experienced and sympathetic HR person who can tell you exactly what to say, when to say it and how to say it. Wouldn’t that be grand?

I asked Kristin Brookins Costello, head of HR at The Ken Blanchard Companies, and she said:

“This is tricky, as some states have laws that specifically relate to what an employer can and can’t require regarding hygiene and appearance. Due to potential legal ramifications, HR should be consulted on any existing employer policies relating to hygiene. HR may even want to check with an attorney to ensure that the employer response is reviewed and cleared. In the end, the approach with the employee should be handled carefully due to the sensitive nature of this situation.”

If you can get your HR partner to take on this entire predicament, you should—not because you’re not capable, but to navigate any potential legal traps that exist. If you end up having to go it alone, here are some pointers:

Do:

• Find a moment when you and she can have a private conversation.
• Tell your employee that you need to discuss a delicate topic that may make her uncomfortable.
• Make clear that you are on her side, and that the situation in no way reflects on her work performance.
• Be direct. You may have to practice finding a way to say “you are too smelly” diplomatically. I grant that this is almost impossible, but something like “You have a noticeable smell, and it is distracting” might be a starting point. Try thinking about how you would want someone to tell you.
• Make a clear request:
  • “I need you to make sure that you bathe every day, use appropriate deodorant/anti perspirant, and launder your work clothes regularly.”
  • “I need you to take appropriate measures to make sure that your natural body odor is not detectable by others.”
• Be ready for any number of responses, including embarrassment or anger. Let it be okay; just listen empathetically. It never hurts to have tissues ready. Some people cry when they experience strong emotion. It doesn’t have to mean you have done something wrong.
• Practice a limited repertoire of things you can say that you can simply repeat. “I understand that you are [fill in the blank: upset, insulted, embarrassed] and I am sorry.”
• Schedule a follow-up meeting to revisit the situation as changes are made. I know you both will much prefer to pretend it never happened—but if nothing changes, you will need to discuss it again.

Don’t:

• Deal with your employee’s upset by trying to make her feel better or minimizing the issue.
• Make it about you. Ever.
• Try to ease your own discomfort by backtracking, explaining, or talking too much.
• Get dragged into an argument about whether the smell exists—your employee may very well ask who complained. So just don’t go there. Keep it about your own experience and resist the temptation to throw others under the bus.
• Get into the details, like asking questions about why the situation exists.
• Offer detailed suggestions on how to solve the problem unless you happen to be an expert on the topic, which I suspect isn’t the case.
• Assume anything. You don’t know if she comes from a culture in which strong personal smell is normal. You don’t know if she has a medical condition that is causing the smell. You don’t know if she lacks a sense of smell—it happens a lot. Who knows, maybe she got Covid and lost her sense of smell for the long term—it is apparently a long-hauler symptom.  

This is one of those management hurdles you will never forget—a rite of passage. Your employee may never know the favor you have done her, and in fact may never forgive the insult. That’s okay. Your people don’t have to like you, but they do have to play nice in the sandbox with their colleagues.

All you can do is your job. The rest of your employees will appreciate it. Be intentional. Be clear. Be kind. Be firm.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

It has recently become apparent that one of my newer direct reports is lying. In one instance, he told me a presentation was proofed and ready to go and I found out it wasn’t when I went into the document on our shared drive to make a change. In another instance, I learned from a colleague that he had claimed to her team that we were further along with a deliverable than we actually were. And there have been other, less impactful, little red flags.

The crazy thing is that the lies are so easy to uncover—especially the shared drive documents where anyone can see the last time he was in the document. When I confronted him, he claimed he had completed the deck but the changes weren’t saved. We are a technology company so claiming technical failure can work when a whole system crashes, but this is just bald-faced lying—on top of unforgivable technical ignorance. It is one thing to be caught and apologize, which is what I would expect, but now it is adding insult to injury.

I am very clear about my expectations when new people join my team, but it never occurred to me to tell people they are not allowed to lie. I am so mad that I’m having a hard time thinking straight about this. I don’t know what to do. What do you think?

Liar Liar

Dear Liar Liar,

My first thought is no. Nope. No, no, no, no. Zero tolerance for lying. Then I thought about it some more, and guess what? Still no.

It is true—you wouldn’t think you’d need to tell people they can’t lie. But then something like this happens and you realize that what is obvious to you just is not obvious to everyone. It is fair to say that all implicit expectations need to be made explicit. That way, when someone does something you simply don’t anticipate, you have your explicit expectations to fall back on. Black and white. No grey area, no confusion, no discussion.

Potential expectations and grounds for dismissal might be:

1. No lying
2. No cheating
3. No stealing
4. No drinking on the job
5. No showing up to work in a bikini top
6. No showing up to in-person client presentations in bare feet
7. Do not bring your dog to a client meeting
8. No smoking in the restrooms

Numbers 5-8 are examples of expectations I wouldn’t have thought I needed to set. I’m not that creative. Just when I think I can no longer be surprised by human beings, I am surprised!

Now, there are the little fibs that many people tell to boost their egos, hide a minor infraction, or just entertain themselves. The thing is, if it doesn’t interfere with work or create static in the system, you probably don’t even notice it. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

You sound like a sensible person. You must have hired this man for a reason—presumably, you thought he was going to bring something worthwhile to the table. You may be considering the high cost of hiring, onboarding, and training someone new. In case you’re motivated to try to salvage this employee, and if you think this could help, you might share our extraordinary Trust Model with him. This model does what all truly brilliant models do: it clarifies and simplifies a deeply layered and complex issue. You might even share this step by step guide to rebuilding trust with him. It can be helpful for people who need to break lifelong trust-busting habits.

Or you may just be fed up enough to not want to take the time. It’s up to you.

Before you go firing anyone, though, I suggest you get HR involved and start documenting. Call out the behavior every time you see it and make a note of exactly what happens. Work with your HR person to decide in advance how many (more) chances you will give Pants on Fire. People lie for all kinds of complicated reasons, many of which would evoke your compassion. So you don’t have to be mean about it, but you must refuse to tolerate it.

Prior to his final chance, you can literally say “lying will not be tolerated.” If you feel like you just don’t have the heart, I can recommend the work of Dr. Henry Cloud, an authority on setting boundaries. His book to check out is Boundaries for Leaders.

Don’t get mad. That just hurts you. Stay calm, point out the lies, and your liar will either clean up his act or lie his way out of a job.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a very lean team and one of my people is a hypochondriac. Every week there is a new reason he needs to go to the doctor. Any cold that comes through he gets, and it is worse for him than for anybody else. He gets the flu every year. It is always something with him—he is tired, he is on some new medication that makes him have brain fog—he always has a health excuse for why he is a little behind or doing a little less than the others. He uses all of his PTO for medical situations but there is never anything visibly wrong. He has never brought in a doctor’s note, although I have asked.

I am sick of it. I recently saw a team member roll her eyes in a meeting when he was looking the other way, so I know I am not alone. We are all bored with his excuses.

I feel bad and worry that I am being a judgmental jerk because I am hardy and rarely get sick. What if he really is sick all the time? What do you say?

Sick and Tired of Sick and Tired

Dear Sick and Tired,

I hear you. It is much harder to empathize with constant health challenges when you are gifted with glowing good health and strong stamina. You are only a jerk if you act on your opinions and are mean or cruel.

A rule of thumb you might consider is that you have to be able to trust your people and give them the benefit of the doubt—that is, until too much doubt creeps in. Then you have to talk about it. To talk about it, you must separate the two different issues: the constant health complaints are one thing, and the fact that he does not carry a full workload is another. One is simply irritating but the other is unacceptable. You have to address the unacceptable first, which is the classic hard conversation. State the facts as you see them and make a request for specific change.

Here is something I have tested with both myself and clients. It is a 7-step process for a conversation, taken from the book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. This approach is a good way to call out behaviors that aren’t working.

1. Name the issue; e.g., “You aren’t carrying the same workload as everyone else on the team, and the issue of fairness needs to be addressed.”
2. Select 2 or 3 specific examples of the behavior or situation you want to change.
3. Describe your emotion about this issue (e.g., you are frustrated and are having trouble planning and assigning work tasks because you don’t know what you can expect of him).
4. Clarify what is at stake—and be very clear about this. What is the problem exactly and what is the negative consequence of not addressing it?
5. Identify your contribution to the problem. Is it possible you have allowed the bad behavior to go on too long? Be honest.
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue, being specific about what resolved looks like to you. This is critical and will provide you both with a measure so that you will know if the fix is successful.
7. Invite your employee to respond.

The thing I like most about this process is that it forces you to prepare for a conversation about one problem, and one problem only. Once the workload issue is addressed, you can embark on the one about the health complaining, which is a different kind of conversation. In that case, you are sharing an observation and making him aware that he is creating a reputation. You can leave to him what he decides to do about it, which will be his choice.

I once worked with a young man who was a little bit negative about everything. I shared with him that everyone on the team called him Eeyore. I thought he would get upset and try to change the perception, but instead he laughed and said, “Oh that is so perfect, I am totally Eeyore.” Your employee has a whole narrative going and he can decide to change it or not. It may be completely fine with him that people are rolling their eyes at him. Once you have helped him gain awareness, unless you plan to make a request for a change, your job is done.

Finally, there is an opportunity here for you to practice compassion. Next time you do feel under the weather, you might ask yourself what it would be like to feel that terrible all the time. Some people really do struggle with terrible health and you have to give them credit for carrying on under difficult circumstances.

And—the work needs to get done, so you are going to have to do whatever is needed to help him get the work done or change his schedule and workload to reflect what he can manage. To do that, you will probably have to HR involved, and a diagnosis and a doctor’s note, which nobody wants, but getting clarity will be key. Otherwise, resentment will build among the team and you will have a real problem on your hands.

Get clear. Deal with the work situation and raise awareness about the complaining. Continue to notice your own judgment and practice putting yourself in his shoes. Be persistent in getting clarity and kind all along the way.

I hope your own health continues to be excellent!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a professional services firm and we have an open-space concept. Almost everyone is on the phone all day or reading complicated documents.

We have one assistant who supports a whole bunch of the senior people, and she sits right near me. She is an idiot, and loud to boot. Every day she has a new theme, and she works that theme all day – Rainy Days and Mondays, happy hump day, hot enough for ya? Every person who walks by her desk, every single phone call. Clichés on repeat all day long.

I am at the end of my rope, it has gotten under my skin to the point that I can’t even trust myself not to say something rude or even mean to her. She is a scourge to everyone in the office. I have talked about it with my boss, who incidentally has an office with a door. But what would anyone say to her? I use noise cancelling headphones with loud music as much as a I can but when I am on long conference calls, that doesn’t work.

I dream of blessed silence and being able to just sit and do my work without fantasizing about slapping her. Help.

Annoyed

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Annoyed,

Get over it. The only thing you can do right now is change your attitude about this. Play a game with yourself about what the cliché will be today. Count how many times she says it and start a betting pool. Remind yourself that all the annoying things she does are simply mechanisms to get herself through the day and she is probably dealing with stresses you don’t know about. Take the woman to lunch, get to know the woman and find something that will make you love her.

Re-frame this situation and take a deep breath and decide to let it roll off your back and smile and be kind.

Absolutely do get creative and try to find a quiet place to do focused work if you can. I worked with one manager who used to take his laptop into the emergency stairwell when he needed some quiet time.

This woman has been sent by the universe to test you. You are failing the test. I have failed this test, I kid you not, I left a yoga class I loved once because of the ridiculous breathing shenanigans of the woman on the mat next to me. Who was the one with the problem? She had a great class, so, it wasn’t her.

Let it go. Focus on what is important and you will be surprised by how the sound fades into the background.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I work as a training manager in a large organization. Two years ago my boss was let go. Since then, I have been doing both her job and my old job.

I like my current boss (formerly my boss’s boss) but it’s obvious that he is fine with the existing situation. I’m not—and I feel taken advantage of.

My review is coming up and I am wondering how direct I should be. I am an introvert and quite shy and standing up for myself is not my strong suit. On the other hand, I am angry now.

Mad at My Boss

Dear Mad,

Getting two full-time employees for the price of one is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Managers get away with it because employees let them. It’s good that you’re angry. I hope that anger will catapult you into action and get you to stand up for yourself. Use it to drive your planning and fire up your courage.

You should be very direct—but the key is to remain emotionally neutral while being so. It is my experience that the reason most people don’t demand what is fair is that they can’t find a way to express themselves without becoming emotional. So they just don’t express themselves at all.

So how to do it?

Think long and hard about what your requests will be. Put them in order of priority and decide what is negotiable and what isn’t. Then practice, practice, practice. Ask a friend to play your boss and force yourself to do it. It will feel awkward, and you will feel embarrassed at first—but isn’t it better to feel that way in a safe environment than when you are with your boss and the stakes are high?

Practice ways of saying no. Try variations like “That doesn’t work for me; what if we did this instead?” or “Let’s consider another approach.” Get comfortable with a couple of phrases that may not be normal for you. You are asking yourself to perform something way out of your comfort zone, so preparation will be your best friend.

Reflect on your experience with your current boss and brainstorm all possible objections or arguments he might use to talk you out of your requests. Practice your well-thought-through responses.

Think through everything—job responsibilities, how attached you are to the change in title, and, of course, salary. Put it all in writing so you don’t forget anything (easy to do if your nerves get the best of you). Begin by asking for everything you want and be ready to negotiate down to what is essential. Decide in advance what you are willing to give up—and what you will do if you can’t get what is most essential to you.

You should consider being prepared to leave the job if you can’t get your boss to agree to your bare minimum. This means brushing up your resume, polishing your LinkedIn profile, and even putting out feelers if you haven’t already. Having a Plan B will make you feel stronger in your negotiations.

You may find a lot of excellent support in Amy Cuddy’s book, Presence: How to Bring Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. Amy Cuddy is a social scientist who has overcome her own natural shyness, so she strikes me as extraordinarily credible. I am a big fan of her research on “power posing” and have used it myself before doing things that scare me. If you don’t have time to get her book, you can at least watch her TED talk.

When the time comes for the conversation, take especially good care of yourself. Make sure you have enough time and you won’t be interrupted. Remember to breathe. If you feel dizzy from nerves or can’t remember what you wanted to say, feel the soles of your feet on the floor and take a deep breath. Everything you need to remember will come in on your breath and you will be fine.

Most of us spend all of our time preparing for what we want to say and no time at all preparing for the end of the conversation. Your manager will benefit from this and will probably try to get you to agree to things in the meeting, but don’t fall for it! Do not, not, NOT capitulate to anything in the conversation. Instead, take everything he proposes—take notes if you need to—and tell him you will think about it. This will give you the time you need to think things through with your wits about you.

This may all feel like overkill, and it may be. But I guarantee all of this thoughtfulness and preparation will give you gravitas and make you brave—which will make it much harder for your boss to turn you down.

Fortune favors the brave…and the prepared.

Be fierce.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior leader in a large nonprofit. My big struggle is with one employee who seems emotionally unstable. One day she is completely reasonable and easygoing, and the next she is reactive and flying off the handle for no apparent reason.

I’ve learned to expect it, but her behavior is affecting the rest of the team. They are walking on eggshells and one of them recently came to me for help on dealing with the situation.

It feels really personal to talk to someone about this, and I don’t know where to start.

Walking on Eggshells

Dear Walking on Eggshells,

It is your job as a leader to make sure everyone feels safe. It is not okay that your direct report is freaking out other employees. So, I am afraid you are going to have to get personal here.

• First, since you are in a large organization, involve HR and start documenting. Document every complaint, every outburst, and every disruption.
• Your employee may be going through a rough time personally. If so, encourage her to avail herself of counseling through your Employee Assistance Program.
• If it is a self-awareness issue, work with your training department to find her a class or some coaching.
• If it is bigger than a rough time, she might be suffering from a mental illness. I am not a doctor but I can tell you that one of the books about Borderline Personality Disorder is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

In any case, you have to set some distinct boundaries by clearly stating to her which of her behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Be direct, be concise, be clear, and keep the tone neutral. Tell her you will be paying attention and will let her know when you see behavior that is over the line. Be strong and fierce.

If she can get it together and behave herself at work, great. If she can’t, she gets a couple of warnings and then she’s out. Just because you can let her behavior roll off your back doesn’t make it acceptable. It would be one thing if your employee weren’t disrupting others, but she is—so you are obligated to do something to make it stop.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I started a new job about six months ago. My boss warned me about one of my direct reports—he said she was argumentative and difficult.

For the first few months I thought she was okay, but now I’m beginning to see what my boss meant. She is hostile in meetings. She agrees to things and then tells others how much she disagrees with me. She does not keep her commitments and then gives me lame excuses when I call her on it.

Yesterday she sent me an email calling me names that made my jaw drop. She was rude and inappropriate to the point where I wonder if she might have a mental problem.

In the meantime, my boss was let go—and I don’t really feel comfortable taking this to my new boss. I am just blown away by this woman’s insubordination and I honestly don’t know what I should do next.

Tolerating Insubordination

Dear Tolerating,

Stop tolerating. Draw some boundaries. But first, do some research and groundwork.

I always recommend starting by giving folks the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she has good reasons to behave the way she is behaving. It’s possible that your former boss’s attitude toward her has put her on the defensive. You can certainly call for a sit-down. Share your experience and ask how you might be able to craft a more productive working relationship. For more direction on having a hard conversation, you can refer to a previous post in this column. See how that goes. Maybe you can turn this around.

I think as the new manager, it is your job to give it your best effort to make this work by making clear requests for changes and giving her a chance to improve her behavior. But if you get no traction, you have to be fierce and decisive or you risk getting dragged down very quickly. She can easily poison other employees against you and the company if she hasn’t already.

Call out unacceptable behaviors as soon as they happen and provide redirection. If you find yourself unable to do so, ask yourself what you are afraid of. What power does she have that she has been getting away with this nonsense since long before you arrived at the company? Probably none, but she has somehow cowed your former boss and is now doing it to you.

Put up the hand and make it stop. Talk to your new boss and your HR partner and start the process of documenting every time she does something that undermines the team. There is no reason for you to put up with nastiness and lack of productivity—how can you possibly get your work done? Maybe she will back down—people who are just plain bullies often do when challenged. But if she keeps it up, call the game and replace her with someone who will do the job, have a good attitude, and be a pleasure to work with. As you well know, you can teach skills but you must hire for attitude.

It is my experience that managers who spend the bulk of their time on bad apples like your direct report never, ever regret showing them the door. Get your ducks in a row and keep a record of the bad behavior—how beautiful that you have concrete evidence in an email!

Sometimes people behave so badly that we question our own assessment and even our sanity or theirs. You are at that point, which is way too far past the pale. So give it one last shot to get on the same page—and if it doesn’t work, just say no. No, no, no. No.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a fairly large group in engineering.  My team has a good reputation with the rest of the company and works well together. 

Except for one person. 

I have one direct report that I just don’t know what to do with.  “K” has always been a little bit prickly and unpredictable, but people put up with it because she is bright and creative and always brings—or rather, brought—fresh perspectives to the table.

Over the last few months though, things have gotten worse.  A couple of my other employees have mentioned that they are avoiding working with her.  I tried to give her feedback, but she literally got up and walked out of my office.  She is rude to her team mates, and to me.   I am going to have to put her on a performance plan but the fact is that I am really worried that she is having some kind of break down and I feel like I should somehow be able to help her.

Want to Help

Dear Want to Help,

When a good employee starts behaving erratically it is almost always a sign that something has gone severely sideways in their personal lives.   A scary health problem for the employee or one of their loved ones, substance abuse that has gotten out of control, a deterioration in a relationship with a significant other.

If you are lucky, your employees will let you know what is going on so you can assist with connections to appropriate HR support, and helping to manage workload and workflow.  But so many folks come from work environments that punish them for needing support or assistance that they might have trust issues.  If the employee isn’t talking it is hard to know how to help, although I applaud your desire to.

First of all, do your homework. Start keeping a record of all incidents in which K’s actions affect the success of the team.  Find out from HR what kind of assistance is available to K. So many good workers are promoted to management without any training whatsoever about what to do when an employee’s personal life affects their ability to work, so this is your opportunity to get a crash course.

Then, go at it head-on with K.  You will want to express that you are committed to keeping K’s wellbeing in mind as you also try to balance that with the success of the team. Tell K that her behavior is keeping team mates away and that she is no longer adding value to the team, and that things need to change right away if she wants to avoid consequences.

Be clear about what the consequences might be – it isn’t mean, or kicking someone while they are down to share the truth of the situation.  Share that your intention is to help in any way that you can, if she is willing to accept help.  Share whatever information you get from HR about what kind of help might be available through your EAP, if any.  Possibly offer K paid or unpaid leave so she can take the time she needs to get back on an even keel.

So many employees who are suffering in their personal lives are paralyzed by their inability to cope, or they are ashamed, or they are simply so private that it just doesn’t occur to them to tell anyone about what is going on, let alone their boss.

K may just not be able to receive help from you, no matter how kind you are or how much you try.  Do your best—that is all you can do.  Ultimately, your job is to do everything in your power to help your whole team succeed so you will have make decisions based on that in the long run.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am the business unit CEO of a global consumer goods company. My CFO—let’s call him AG—is literally a genius; one of the smartest people I have ever worked with. I brought him with me from my previous company because he is good with numbers and he thinks strategically. He stays on top of industry developments and I can count on him to play devil’s advocate in a good way that consistently leads us to the best decisions. I really depend on him.

The problem is that over the last two years or so, AG’s life has fallen apart. A few years ago, something went really wrong in his marriage and he and his wife separated. Soon after, he started packing on the pounds, smoking, and coming to work looking exhausted and disheveled. He is so unhealthy now that when we sit at the conference table I can hear him breathing. I can also tell he drinks during the day even though he tries to keep it hidden.

His work is suffering as well. He is distracted and has been missing deadlines with the senior executive team of the company. I am worried about him both personally and professionally—he is going to lose his job and seems to be on track for a heart attack or a stroke.

I feel that I owe him the benefit of the doubt, and have been pretending everything is okay because we have been good friends and tight colleagues for so long. I don’t know where to begin with this—and my trusted HR partner is out on maternity leave.

Worried About a Friend Who is a Mess

Dear Worried,

You have two issues here: one is that you are worried about your friend and the other is that you fear losing your dependable CFO with the amazing skill set.

First things first. Get the professional support you need to go at this very distressing situation properly. If I were your HR partner, I would want you to call me even I were on leave. She will have good advice for you and will help you to stay out of trouble from a legal standpoint. If you just can’t bring yourself to interrupt your HR person’s leave, you have no choice but to go discuss it with her backup person.

In a huge company like yours there are too many variables to navigate, so you must man up and talk to AG right away. Don’t worry about being wrong or offending him—there is simply too much to lose here.

As his friend, you owe it to AG to be direct. Tell him what you have observed and that you are worried about his health and his reputation. As his boss, it is your job to tell AG that his performance is not what it used to be and he needs to get it back up to standard. He may get defensive and deny there is a problem. If this happens, you have a real predicament on your hands and will have to talk about a performance improvement plan. Hopefully, he will respond with relief that he can finally talk about his stress level and his lack of ability to manage it. You can share that much help is available and there’s no shame in using those resources when life has knocked us sideways.

Almost no one gets through a long career without a challenging illness or terrible loss. It is the ones who least expect it and think they are exempt that often respond the worst to unexpected crisis. Show your friend how much you care by being straight with him and helping him get the support he needs to get back on an even keel. It may be difficult to speak the truth to your good friend, but I can guarantee you will really regret it if you continue to pretend that nothing is happening.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am the new regional sales head of a large pharmaceutical company. I have put together a team of real stars. One of my team members (I’ll call him Bob) is a young man I brought with me from my old company. He is a fast learner and a hard worker, and we get along really well.

Here’s my problem. My boss has informed me that Bob is regularly taking meetings with my boss’s peers, which he has no business reason to do. My executive assistant, who also works for two other execs and is dialed into to everything and everyone, has told me point blank that Bob is talking trash about me to others outside the department.

What the heck? Why is this kid stabbing me in the back? And what should I do about it?

Fly in The Ointment

Dear Fly in The Ointment,

Congratulations on your new gig. Isn’t there always a fly? Here is what you should do:

Who knows why Bob is doing this—but the better question is: who knows if he really is? You don’t want to jump to conclusions. So first, take a big breath, step back, and make sure you have your facts straight. Regarding the skip-level meetings, maybe Bob is being smart and looking for a mentor. Perhaps your EA has an ulterior motive and is feeding you incorrect information. It’s also possible someone is being really Machiavellian and the EA is being manipulated. You may think I am kidding, but I have seen it. There is really no end the political shenanigans in organizations—and in big pharma the mayhem is legend. It’s hard to know what is essentially rumors and gossip. You may find that the drama is being created by someone else and it has nothing to do with Bob. Put on your detective hat, enroll some people you trust, and get the scoop.

If it turns out that you are being stabbed in the back, discuss it with your boss so you know he or she has your back no matter what. Then go at it head-on and confront Bob. Tell him you know what is going on, that you won’t tolerate it, and that it needs to stop right now. Don’t discuss it—he will deny and ask for an explanation and you will fall into the trap of making your case. Don’t do it. Just say, “I know what you are up to and I won’t tolerate it, and you need to stop it right now. If you have feedback for me I expect you to give it me, and I request that you not discuss it with anyone else. If you continue to trash me to others, I will be forced to take action.” I am a fan of this approach because it models direct communication and courage. Of course, if the behavior continues, you will have to fire him.

Now, you could go subterfuge and make it hard for the kid to succeed. Just slowly, quietly, reduce his access to you and resources and accounts. This is what most people would do. Employees are frozen out of their jobs all the time by managers who can’t face a direct conversation. I am not a fan of this approach because you are stooping to his level with the same type of indirect behavior he is using to hurt you. Is this the behavior you want to role model for your team of stars? I think not. But it is an option.

What you can’t do is nothing. You did the kid a favor, so it might be hard to get your head around the fact that he might be intentionally hurting you and gunning for your job—but that also happens all the time.

What you also can’t do is try to have a deep, heartfelt conversation with him about it. If Bob is out to get you, he has lost the assumption of best intentions and goodwill. You do not owe him the courtesy of a challenging conversation. You are smart to worry, but don’t launch into action until you know exactly what you are dealing with. Then decide your approach and be strong and firm.

Courage!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!