Dear Madeleine,

My boss is driving me nuts. I work in corporate communications at a complicated global corporation with a fast-paced, high-pressure environment. I am often given assignments with tight deadlines on top of my regular day-to-day work.

My boss will send me emails with assignments, using a request format that I thought was smart when I started. If only my boss would pay more attention when she fills it out.

The request calls for details about the audience, key messages, preferred tone, urgency level, and timing. I make the effort to weave in the company values and I put a lot of thought into each draft.

Lately, my boss has had an issue with every single piece I’ve written—but it is always because she left out something critical. Her comments contain some variation of “Oops, I forgot to mention such and such; could you redo this and weave that in?”

This throws off my schedule for the day and creates a last-minute fire drill. I feel like (1) she must have forgotten how much I have on my plate; (2) she doesn’t care enough to put thought into the original request; or, on my worst days, (3) she is trying to sabotage me.

I like the company and my co-workers, but I now dread my boss’s feedback. I have completely lost faith in her. I don’t really want to try to find another job, but I find myself fantasizing about doing just that.

How can I get her to cut it out?

Just So Annoyed

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Just So Annoyed,

I hear your frustration, and I can relate—but you aren’t going to like this, so put on your seat belt.

My experience is that people who quit their job to escape an unresolved communication issue will encounter a new version of the exact same problem in their next job. You can certainly choose to jump ship, but this won’t be the last time you have to deal with an imperfect, distracted boss so you might as well use this opportunity to learn how to deal with it.

The question, as I understand it, is: how can you get your boss to give you all the information you need the first time so that you can deliver exactly what is needed?

First, it might help you to find a bit a grace for your boss by putting yourself in her shoes. I suspect this is a recent problem, as you noted that this behavior has shown up “lately.” It is possible that she also has too much on her plate, or perhaps she is wrangling with some personal problems. Regardless, the more she feels your judgment and annoyance, the higher the chance that she will make errors when working on a brief for you and eventually will start assigning the tasks to someone more easy-going so she can avoid your ire. That is a career-limiting eventuality that you probably want to avoid because, if you do decide to leave your position, you want to make sure you do it in good standing.

Once you make the choice to help your boss give you what you need in a timely manner, the next step is to figure out how to do that. One idea is to schedule a quick chat, which will give her the mental space she needs to capture all of the details before you start the work. Repeat what has been requested, and simply ask “What else?” or “Is there anything missing?” Many people think out loud, and when they become accustomed to working with someone super competent, they can start to believe (or at least hope) that you can read their minds.

If you can’t get fifteen minutes on her calendar, you might change your work style and spend less time making the first draft perfect, knowing it will need a second pass. If you go with this option be sure to mention that, in light of the recent need for revisions, you are switching up your approach and will polish the piece once you are sure that all points are captured.

Finally, I recently read somewhere that anyone who isn’t using AI in their work is almost certainly going to be replaced by someone who is. I’d like to think that isn’t true, but I suspect it is. The kind of work you are doing is exactly the kind of thing AI can help you with—so I highly recommend that you learn how to leverage it. Of course, you should check your company’s policy and use only the AI the company allows. I have spoken to many people who have avoided AI because they feel threatened by it, but that is also a career-limiting attitude.

Instead of getting mad at your boss, try a collaborative approach. Experiment with how you can help her give you what you need to do the best possible job you can. Helping her to help you will build trust—and it won’t go unnoticed. Change your work protocols to accommodate your boss’s absent-mindedness, and leverage technology to take time and effort out of your tasks. The world is only spinning faster, so anything you can do to make things go more smoothly for yourself, your teammates, and your boss will serve you well.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I had a big job and got a lot of manager training early in my working life. Then a series of events (I had a child with special needs, then another one, parents needing care, husband making enough to sustain the family) conspired to make me leave the workforce for about a decade.

I recently took what I intended to be a sales associate job in a large retail store. I wanted something that wouldn’t be too taxing and would bring in a little extra cash while my kids were in school. I was quickly promoted to a manager position.

I enjoy the work. It is low stress in that I don’t take work home with me. My problem is this: there is a rotating cast of characters in hourly positions who all report to me. The store offers a lot of flexibility, so we attract college kids on their summer break, young moms, retirees, etc. I have regular one-on-one meetings with each of them.

I have found the more I listen to people (something I am good at), the more they will talk. They tell me so much more than I need to hear. People call me at all hours to ask for advice, update me on a situation, or sometimes share good news.

My husband teases me and calls me the Doctor (based on Lucy in the Charlie Brown comics) and rolls his eyes at the number of calls and texts that come in my off hours.

I love these people, but I feel like they are eating at my life and I don’t know how to stop them. I don’t really even want to stop it, so much as control it. I’d appreciate your thoughts on this.

The Doctor Is In

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Dear The Doctor Is In,

I understand your frustration. As problems go, this is a good one. Having listening as a superpower is indeed a gift—but like most gifts, it can be a double-edged sword. This means your gift has a dark side and you have found it.

When I was training to become a coach and developing my own listening skills, I experienced the exact same thing. The more we listen, the more people talk. It is so rare to find someone who really listens—without interrupting, hijacking the conversation, making it about themselves, or outlining a solution—that once the floodgates open, it can be hard to close them. You have inadvertently stumbled over a universal law: the more you listen with empathy and compassion, the more people will talk.

I know the Doctor thing is a joke—but the fact is, you have been placing yourself in service to others. To be heard and listened to is extremely healing. It is no accident that millions of people make a profession of listening.

The question: how to control it.

The answer: ground rules and boundaries.

You are a manager, so it is fair to set the expectation that all conversations between you and your direct reports have a time limit and should revolve around work. Keep your questions focused on the job and the work environment and keep any curiosity you may have about the person’s life in check. Topics could revolve around these themes:

• Do people have what they need to do the job?
• How is their schedule working; do they need to make changes?
• Is there anything you can do to make their time at work more engaging or pleasant?

When issues begin to stray, gently redirect back to work topics.

It may be tricky to curtail your entanglement with people you already have a relatively personal relationship with, so focus first on new employees and getting the newest manager/employee relationships off on the right foot. Set your ground rules as expectations in the beginning when you explain what a 1×1 is. It will probably feel weird to you because you’ll have some habits to break, but a little discipline will go a long way.

Setting boundaries may take some practice. In your case, though, it is surprisingly simple. You took the job specifically because you wanted to leave work at work and spend your personal time doing other things (in your case, taking care of your family). I think it is supremely reasonable to reply to anyone from work who contacts you off hours with a polite and firm text message such as: “I am at home focused on my family right now, and look forward to speaking with you tomorrow when we are at work.”

For the people who are used to having after-hours access to you, it may help to speak to them about the impending change. For new people, you will set the expectation up front. For more on boundaries, I am a fan of the work of Dr. Henry Cloud.

It might be useful to think about what core need you are getting met that has gotten you into this pickle. Allowing your needs to drive your behavior isn’t a bad thing, until it starts interfering with how you function or how you want to design your life. The key is to find a way to get needs met that doesn’t cost you more than you want to pay. In your case, it is probably a deep need for connection and/or to help others. This is a classic psychological driver—and, as many people in the helping professions will tell you, the need for help out there is infinite. So if you don’t manage your own needs and set boundaries for how much you are willing and able to give, people will take and take until there is nothing left of you.

You have a big and loving heart, Doctor. The world could use a lot more people like you. Only you can take the required steps to treat that heart with the respect and care it deserves. That way you can keep on giving and still have enough left for yourself and your family for the rest of your life.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the operations lead for a region in a global manufacturing company. I oversee physical plants and offices, and work closely with HR around issues of safety and compliance and supply chain. You name it, most problems end up on my desk. I manage four teams that report to me.

I am direct, no nonsense, and very matter-of-fact. My strength is that I am a creative problem solver and I get things done. I am not unfriendly per se, but no one would call me warm and fuzzy.

My boss, the EVP of Operations who reports directly to the CEO, is grooming his successor and I know he wants it to be me. I am single and have no kids. It would be easy for me to relocate to HQ and I know I can do the job.

Here is the challenge: I have been told, and others have given feedback about me, that I am intimidating. I have heard it my whole life. I’ve tried to be “nice,” but I don’t believe it has made much of a difference. I don’t get it.

The part that really bugs me is that I know if I were a man, this simply wouldn’t be an issue. Most of the people I work with are men and I suspect this is just straight-up sexism. What can I do about this?

Intimidating

________________________________________________________

Dear Intimidating,

Oh, I hear you, my friend. You are probably right about the gender thing. Sexism is probably a strong word to use at this point because, so far, it seems you have not suffered from active discrimination. But you are suffering from perceptions governed by deeply ingrained cultural norms.

It is simply true that when people feel intimidated by a male boss, it feels normal to them, but when the boss is a female, it somehow feels wrong. Intimidating men are Alphas. Intimidating women are—well, you fill in the blank. There are a few tactics you can try to reduce that perception, but ultimately you are still going to be you and you are still going to be female—and there is very little you can do to change either of those things. I will share a couple of tips in a moment.

First things first. You need to ask your boss how important this feedback is and how much effort he thinks you need to put into changing your MO to reduce the intimidating impact you have on others. You may be over-focusing on it. You need to find out if it will be a deal breaker when it comes to your promotion—and you should try to find out exactly what you do that makes people feel intimidated by you. It may be something you are completely unaware of. Perhaps you interrupt people or cut people off if you disagree with what they are saying. Maybe you roll your eyes when someone says something you think is stupid. Perhaps you use subtle language that telegraphs your judgment of others. Or maybe you do none of these things. But if there are one or two specific little things you can stop doing, it will make it easier for you to choose how to change.

Here are some small things you might think about doing to try to reduce your intimidation factor.

• My experience of females who get this kind of feedback is that it isn’t as much that you are intimidating as it is that there are people out there who are easily intimidated. You probably have a lot of energy and can be laser-focused on the matter at hand to the exclusion of paying attention to the people around you. So spend some time noticing the people you work with, their personalities, and their communication styles. Both men and women expect women to be more interested in the details of their lives. Is this fair? No, it is not. But it is the reality, so in your no-nonsense way, get over it. The more you can learn about what is important to your people—kids, sports, cooking, dogs—and connect with them over those topics, the more they will warm up to you. This may be boring to you, but think of it as part of your job. Spending five minutes before launching into problem solving to ask people how their weekend was, how their kid is who got Covid, or how the soccer game went goes a long way toward making you a little more human. It will be a stretch for you, but if you breathe and listen, you can do it.
• Remember that you came wired with a force field around you. People feel it when you walk into a room. When working with a team, especially with people who don’t know you yet, you can make yourself a little bit more accessible by simply explaining: “I move very quickly and tend to focus on solving problems and getting things done. It isn’t personal, and if I move too fast, you should let me know. I am always interested in what you have to say. And though I may seem stern, I am fair and will always tell you the truth.”
• I hate to say it, but I have learned this one the hard way. This is especially true in the US, but it is also universal, and I have worked with men on this, too: Smile. Smile when you greet people. If you are happy to see people, tell your face. Smile when you are listening to people—not a big fat smile, but not the frown you probably wear when you are listening for problems and your wheels are turning a mile a minute. Thank people for their hard work, acknowledge them for a job well done, and smile when you deliver the message. It is a tiny thing and will be a new habit, but it will probably make the biggest difference.
• Watch your language and your sense of humor. I once worked with a female leader who, upon hearing about a big mistake, would say things like “Who did that? Heads will roll,” and “I need to know what throats to choke.” She was always (kind of) kidding, but people were terrified of her and would not escalate problems appropriately. Her entire unit was chaos.

It sounds like you run a tight ship, and your region probably runs like a well-oiled machine. The key is to remember that your people are not simply cogs in that machine.

Part of being a senior leader is knowing how to bring out the best in people and to make them trust that you care about them and have their backs. There is an interesting thought piece that just came out about the disastrous impact Elon Musk is having at Twitter and how out of touch he is with the expectations of modern leaders. The most important assets of any of today’s companies are its people. People stay with companies when they feel like they matter. It is really that simple.

So you can be the smartest person in the room, and as direct and no-nonsense as you are, while still sending the message that you care about each person you are working with. You will probably still be intimidating to some because of your exceptional competence. But at least people will know you are on their side and are using your superpowers for good.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I need your professional advice on career goals or growth.

I worked in the construction industry for 25 years, starting out as an electrician and moving up to a field manager. I essentially went from pulling wiring through conduit to managing the entire field operation on very large, multi-million-dollar commercial and industrial projects. During this time I also was in the US Army National Guard and was called to active duty in 2002. I was wounded in combat and spent the next three years in and out of hospitals and physical therapy.

When I went back to work, I had a hard time with the physical aspects of my job. I decided to use my VA benefits and found a new job with the federal government as an engineering technician. I was technically still in the field, but now I was just making sure others did what they were contracted to do. It was easier work, fewer hours, and a much more secure future. I have done government work now in various roles for 15 years and have moved up the GS ladder in pay and responsibility.

The government is always pushing for individual and leadership development—“grow up, not down” kind of stuff. To be honest, I’m happy where I am. I don’t want more responsibility and I don’t really want to be a supervisor any longer. When I have said this to my current boss and to some past bosses, they have all asked me why I don’t just go back to the private sector if I feel that way. I don’t understand this, because the growth and development situation was essentially the same in the private sector.

Here’s my question: am I wrong? Should I grow even though I’ll be miserable? I know I won’t be the best I can be. I’m a very good leader but not a good manager. I can inspire others and motivate them to be part of the team, to be themselves, and to contribute all they can in their way. I have an open, creative, teaching mind but I hate the daily grind of supervising people, the miasma of mundane paperwork and budgets, and the sand in my eyes at the end of a long day of computer work.

I have 10 years left before retiring to just work when I want to work, so should I give the government 10 good years doing what I want or should I give them 10 years doing what they want? I’m at the most common rank in the management levels of government service. I have been more senior and could easily keep going on up, but I’d rather just take it easy and slack off on growing and doing.

I know it sounds like I don’t care, but that isn’t it. I just really like the way the job is at this level. Am I wrong in wanting this?

Done Pushing

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Done Pushing,

No. Just No.

Thoughts and feelings are what they are and simply can’t be wrong. The only thing you can do that’s wrong is take an action you may regret without having carefully consulted your thoughts and feelings.

I tried to shorten your letter but I wanted our readers to get the whole picture. It seems to me that you have done more than your duty to your government by anyone’s standards. You’ve earned the right to create your life exactly the way you want it to be. And just who, I ask, is the arbiter of what anyone has earned or deserves? It also sounds like you do your job well and are satisfied with the compensation, so it is a fair exchange.

Long ago I worked with an opera singer who was immensely gifted and had put in long hours to develop her natural talent. She was on the brink of stardom when she realized that the life and career of an opera star wasn’t what she wanted. She was extremely religious and tortured herself with the thought that because God gave her the gift of an extraordinary voice, she was obligated to use it. At the time, I was specializing in working with creative geniuses, many with the overwhelming problem of having been born with multiple gifts. This includes the singer, who was also good at many other things. So the notion that you are obligated to develop and use your gifts just doesn’t compute when you have entirely too many. It took seeing the world through the eyes of these clients for me to realize a principle that I lean on to this day:

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

And that goes for everyone. Including you.

In the singer’s case, she felt beholden to God. In your case, you feel somehow beholden to your government. I can’t speak for God, obviously, but I will say that his ways are inscrutable and mysterious, so you have to listen to your inner voice and your heart. I say the only debts you owe are to yourself and the people you have made promises to.  It doesn’t sound like you are breaking any promises you made to your employer. And you would not be putting your integrity at risk for failing to accept a promotion.

Let’s face it—growth requires discomfort. Some people love being in a constant state of growth and relish the challenge. Others don’t. You might take a few years off to rest and then get bored and change your mind. Or you might not. It is not for anyone else to judge your choices; not that they won’t (ha ha), but it really makes no material difference to you. You can take the pushy advice lightly, say thank you, and change the subject. No use burning bridges, so keep your options open.

The most miserable, unhappy people I have worked with were almost all in a state where they had created a life that others wanted for them, not one they wanted for themselves. And the higher you go, the harder it is to undo those choices.

So no. You aren’t wrong. You get one life, my friend. Are you going to live it the way you want, or the way others want?

I hope this is helpful.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to executive vice president in a company where I started as an entry level coordinator right out of college. I took advantage of the company’s training and generous education reimbursements, got an MBA, and rose steadily. I never dreamed I would get this far, and I am thrilled about it.

Until I am not.

I have excellent mentors and feel very good about my plan in my new role, but in the quiet hours of the night I have serious doubts. I worry that someone will do a double take and ask “What is she doing here?” I worry that someone will look at my college record and realize I did two years at a community college (to save money and live at home) before going to University. I worry that someone will find out I didn’t get a 4.0 average in my MBA program. I worry that I am the emperor with no clothes and that someone will realize it.

My partner laughs at me, telling me I am being irrational, but I just can’t shake this feeling. Is something wrong with me?

Feel Like a Fraud

______________________________________________________________

Dear Feel Like a Fraud,

Every so often, a topic flares up everywhere I look. In a week’s period, I heard the same theme from a colleague, a couple of clients, and an old friend. The theme is imposter syndrome.

That, my friend, is what you are suffering from.

Imposter syndrome might be defined as being dogged by a feeling that you aren’t quite as good or quite as smart as others think you are. It shows up exactly the way you describe: feeling like a fraud and worrying that someday people are going to figure out you didn’t deserve to get the award or the promotion or to have your book published.

I first encountered it decades ago, in my early twenties, when my then-husband was working as an actor in a new play by a very successful songwriter and playwright. They were hanging around together during the endless tech rehearsals and got to talking and she admitted she felt like a fraud and had no idea why she had been so lucky as to have received so much recognition. She said she worried that one day soon everyone would collectively wake up and realize she had no talent at all. I was struck at the time by how horrible that must feel and worried what it meant for people who hadn’t achieved any success or recognition at all. I mean, if someone that successful felt that way, was there any hope for the rest of us?

Around that time, someone shared this Winston Churchill quote with me: “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

That quote kept me going, striving through crappy job after crappy job, and it sustains me to this day.

Much later, when I became a coach, I learned how common imposter syndrome is among very successful people. In my experience, it is remarkably common among folks who have undeniable achievements. It is not a sign of a mental health issue or even low self-esteem—rather, it’s a sign of impossibly high standards and of big dreams and ambitions.

Here is a little video that might be useful if this resonates with you.

The strategy that seems to work best when imposter syndrome rears its head is to talk about it with people you trust. Your partner laughing at you isn’t helpful, so find others. I suspect you will find that others share a similar feeling—people you think of as brilliant, hardworking, and wonderful! So it kind of reflects back that if others who are crushing it feel that way, absurdly, it is probably okay that you do, too. It will almost certainly give you what you need in terms of perspective.

Ultimately, I think it is probably healthy for us to sometimes wonder Am I doing my very best or am I phoning it in? Are we challenging ourselves to go the extra mile or are we coasting? Did we really work for the last stellar performance or did we get lucky? Maybe a little of both? There is no shame in any of it, as long as we are telling ourselves the truth.

I do think some feelings that come with imposter syndrome are mixed up with the confusing concept of who is deserving. Good things happen to terrible people. Terrible things happen to good people. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. For folks who have a strong religious grounding or spiritual practice, what we do and don’t deserve can seem pretty straightforward. But even those folks can have a strong “why me?” response to any event, good or bad. There is no way to establish what anyone really deserves. Personally, I have given up on the whole idea of what I do or don’t deserve because it ultimately seems subjective.

Martin Seligman, in his book Learned Optimism, affords some useful insight on this. Seligman’s theory is that we learn to interpret events from our parents. Natural or adapted optimists tend to interpret bad events as random or the fault of someone else and good events as a result of their own hard work or good decisions. Pessimists tend to do the opposite. An example of this is someone coming out of the grocery store to find that a shopping cart has rolled into their new car and dented it. An optimistic person might think, “Wow, what is it with people who can’t put their carts away? What a bother!” while a pessimist might think, “Oh no, I should never have parked here, this is all my fault!”

I am not advocating we all blame others for our misfortunes, but there is probably a middle ground in which we can look at, and learn from, the part we might have played in what happens to us. It is true that people should put their shopping carts away, and it is also true that it probably makes sense to be vigilant about where we park when we care a lot about our car.

Which brings us to our collective confusion about luck. What is luck? Why are some people so lucky and others not at all? There is no law that defines who gets to be lucky. But I can share this observation about luck: to get lucky, you must at least have goals. Everyone who has goals attempts and fails. Everyone who has goals is wrong sometimes. Everyone gets lucky sometimes and everyone has strokes of terrible luck. So here is the other quote that has always stayed with me: “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” (This one is widely attributed, so I am going with Seneca.)

As far as I am concerned, the only answer is to keep plugging away, keep your eye on the goal, do your best, and pray for good luck and the stars to align. And when they do, try to enjoy it. Don’t second guess it. Just say “thank you” and strive to be worthy of your good fortune.

So go ahead and enjoy your new role, knowing that you got it because you impressed enough people with your smarts, your work ethic, and your effectiveness as a leader. And go ahead and be grateful for the recognition. And keep doing your best, not because you are afraid of being found out but because it is simply what you do. A little self-doubt can be healthy. You should worry if the feeling of being not quite good enough keeps you from trying to do something you want to do and think you might be able to do. If you find it holding you back in your new role, it might be something to work on with a therapist.

Honestly—in my experience, anyway—the people who never feel any self-doubt are the ones who should be worried.

Finally, here are a few things I know for sure:

1. No one cares that you did two years at community college. Anyone with a brain knows that is just smart. You graduated with your undergraduate degree. Period.
2. No one cares what your GPA was in your MBA program. You got yourself a graduate degree. Period.
3. All anyone cares about is that you bring your education, smarts, and work ethic to the job at hand, and that you take your leadership position seriously.
4. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I promise.

Okay?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the executive director of a well established not-for-profit organization. I am passionate about our mission, and I know we do great things for our community.

My problem is that I am exhausted—physically, mentally, and psychologically. We have recently been through a couple of big hiccups with one bad hire, one very reliable director who has had to go out on medical leave, and some intractable logistical issues.

It just never seems to end. Problems come at me all day and it would take 12- to 14-hour days to get it all done. That would probably be okay, but I have kids at home and a partner who is getting fed up with my mono-focus on the job.

I know I need to bring in more of the right kind of help, but hiring takes a lot of time—and I am gun-shy from the last hire that turned out to be nightmare. I never have time to think anything through. I am in constant reaction mode.

I have always been driven and I just don’t seem to be able to turn it off—especially when there are so many critical things that need my attention. I envy people who don’t have to work, because they can go to yoga and take walks—things I have always done to stay centered. I can’t remember the last time I did either.

There has to be a better way but I just don’t know what it might be. Would appreciate your thoughts.

Feeling so Done

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Feeling so Done,

Boy, do I understand your situation. It sounds very familiar, and very difficult. I would say almost every client I work with—every one of them as driven as you—is up against similar circumstances. The rapid change everyone is dealing with, the challenge of finding the right people to fill important roles, and the constant press of needing to do more with fewer resources are all conspiring to push many folks to the brink.

Here is the thing, FsD. Your nature—to set big audacious goals and then drive toward them with unwavering commitment—is part of the problem. It can be easy, when you have experienced real success because of your drive, to let your drive take over your life. But now it is impacting your mental health and your family life. Drive is like any kind of useful energy—let’s say fire. A well controlled fire is a miracle, and useful in innumerable ways. But an uncontrolled fire is a disaster. It is up to you to use this uncomfortable moment to make a permanent change—from letting your drive have power over you to leveraging your drive to power you. Drive is a wonderful gift. But like all great gifts, it has a dark side.

At the risk of offending you, I might submit that your boss is a relentless task master who needs to cease and desist. Of course, your boss is you. If you go down, which you will if you keep this up, the whole house of cards will go down. It is up to you to stop the madness. Have a chat with your boss (take a walk and have a long chat with yourself) and negotiate for a saner way through this difficult time. You are down two important people, so you simply aren’t going to be able to accomplish everything you had planned. Look at your calendar and cancel stuff.

“I can’t!” you are silently screaming. To which I reply, “Yes you can, and you must!” But how?

• Call people you have made commitments to and negotiate a change in deadline and/or deliverables.
• Block off your calendar for a walk or a yoga class every day. I promise you that you will be much better equipped to deal with all of the problems that need solutions. You will think more clearly, be better at creative problem solving, and be much more optimistic. All of the research shows that this is true—and you know it is true from your own experience.
• Choose a couple of things that you will put off until you are properly staffed.
• Work with your partner to understand what their complaints are and what they think would be satisfactory from you in terms of after-work time. Negotiate an approach you believe you can commit to, and then follow through. If you decide to be home to be with family at 6:00, don’t schedule any meetings after 5:00 so you have time to review the day, look at the next day, carry over tasks, and breathe. That way, when you walk through the door you can be fully present with the people you love the most in the world. People like you really need the full support of their family. And your family can tell you how much they really need you at home: what is “nice to have” and what is “have to have” for them.

I think of these techniques as personal sustainability: these are the things you need to do to go the distance. If you keep going the way you are currently going, you will just burn yourself to the ground.

A word about envy: I learned this from my dear friend and colleague Laura Berman Fortgang, and I have never heard anyone else say it. But I think it is so true. Envy is simply data. It is information about your deepest desires, your wildest dreams. So when you notice that you get a stab of envy when you see others going to yoga, or taking their walks, that is an indication of exactly how critical it is to you. Let your envy inform your priorities.

There is no shame in stepping back and reshuffling priorities in the face of changed circumstances. The problems coming at you will still be there tomorrow. Your to-do list will be there tomorrow. Remind yourself that nobody will actually die if you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

No one else can do it for you, FsD. Only you can reclaim your sanity. You have everything you need to do it—you just have to decide that you are going to.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently had a situation that I now see I handled very badly with one of my second-line reports in India. Sandeep (name changed for confidentiality) had gone completely AWOL. This coincided with his direct supervisor (my direct report) going on maternity leave early. Her back-up person wasn’t in place yet, so it escalated to me. Sandeep had been totally inaccessible and had missed deadlines with no communication. His team was short staffed and the service was suffering. His team was in an uproar, people were mad at Sandeep, and things were going downhill fast.

I got Sandeep on the phone and read him the riot act. I have always been direct and focused on performance, which has always worked for me. Plus, I was stressed because that wasn’t the only crisis landing on my desk at the time.

Months went by and I thought nothing of it until my direct report returned from her leave.

As it turns out, Sandeep’s mother and father suffered life-changing impacts resulting from a critical COVID infection and hospitalization. I knew India had been particularly hard hit by the Covid situation, but the area where our office was had yet to be affected. Sandeep had been sending texts and emails to his direct supervisor, but of course she was having her own crisis with her pregnancy and was radio silent.

I have just learned about all of this, and I feel terrible about it. My reputation has suffered and I am being viewed as a heartless task master. How do I recover from this? How can I restore my reputation? Yes, I am performance focused, but I am really not a monster.

Recriminating

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Dear Recriminating,

Clearly you are not a monster. I acknowledge your self-awareness and your willingness to take responsibility for causing someone pain and hardship. So many would just shrug it off and get on with things.

There is one short-term action you might take, and other longer-term ones to consider.

Let’s start with the short term, as in, do now: Apologize. Why is it so hard for people to say “I’m sorry”? It is a bit of a mystery to me. In The Fourth Secret of The One Minute Manager, Ken Blanchard and Margret McBride share that people who can’t apologize derive their own self-worth from their performance and the opinion of others. Is it the fear of appearing vulnerable? Probably. Mostly, I think people don’t know how to do it. Or they know it will be super uncomfortable, so they just choose to avoid it.

Ken and Margret outline some key points to keep in mind when it has come to your attention that you probably should apologize:

• Apologize as soon as possible after you recognize your error.
• Be scrupulously honest and specific about what you did wrong and how you would correct it if you could.
• Let go of any ideas you have about the outcome or results of your apologizing. You can’t go in with an authentic apology hoping for a quid pro quo.
• Create a plan for how you might fix the situation you caused and share it with the appropriate people.

Long-term action is going to involve your taking some time to reflect on how your belief systems or attitudes about leadership and people influenced the way events played out. What might need to change to prevent such behavior in the future? Essentially, you have broken trust with your people. It might be helpful for you to take a look at our Trust Model to assess the specific areas that may apply to you. I love the way this model takes something that can seem very abstract and makes it crystal clear and tangible. Our model breaks trust down into four components: Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable.

It sounds like the area you could focus on is Connected, which means you care about others. This is the trust area I personally struggle with the most. When there is a lot at stake and a ton to do, the first thing that flies out the window for me is Connection, so I really empathize with you.

This area breaks down into these three dimensions: Benevolence, Communication, and Rapport.

Some questions might be:

• Are you perceived as generally kind and decent?
• Do you actually care about others’ well being?
• Are you capable of demonstrating empathy?
• Do your people feel that you have their backs?
• Do you schedule time and spend time simply connecting and conversing with your people?
• Do you communicate enough with each of your people to feel like you know them and they know you?
• Have you made appropriate efforts to develop rapport with everyone on your team?
• Do you look for opportunities to acknowledge, encourage, praise, and advocate for others?

If you really do care—and it sounds like you do—the next step is to take concrete steps to show it. (If you really don’t care, well, that is a different problem and I would recommend you examine that point of view.)

Start with your immediate team and then branch out to peers and your skip-level folks. Concrete steps could be regular one-on-one meetings and group coffee chats. I understand nobody wants more meetings, but getting together is a basic human need. Our CEO used to have a monthly lunch with everyone who had their birthday in that month. Our company got too big, and we had too many folks in the field, and then, of course, COVID. But it lasted a long time and made a big difference for people. Something—anything—you can do to simply spend time getting to know people will help.

Work relationships are like all relationships—they just require a little attention. Nobody wants a lot of friends who only call when they need something. You don’t want your team to automatically assume they are about to get yelled at when they see your name on their phone.

A couple of rules of thumb to consider:

• Unless you have previous evidence the person doesn’t deserve it, give them the benefit of the doubt. If you really can’t do that, your hiring practices might need some revising.
• There is always time to read people the riot act after you have ascertained that is what’s needed.
• When in doubt, ask questions first. What’s going on? is a always a good place to start.

All of your natural tendencies to be direct and to focus on performance will still be there, don’t worry. No one is going to think you’ve gone soft. People might actually perceive you as someone who cares—and honestly, how can that be a bad thing?

As solutions architect Ann Rollins, my colleague and friend, recently wrote in an email: “Tomorrow is a new day indeed, and we own our script. What are the things you have been thinking about that you can choose to do differently? We’re only here for a short time, friend. Let’s make the seconds, hours, and days add up!”

Well said, I think.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a smart woman with an impeccable work ethic. I get more done in less time that just about anyone I know. The “Exceeds Expectations” box is checked on nearly every dimension of my performance reviews over the last few cycles.

I have been a director in my company for a few years now, and last month I did not get the promotion to AVP that I expected. It is a running joke in the organization that we have so many AVP’s—as in, you have to really not be delivering if you don’t get there in a few years. That is certainly not the case for me, so I finally cornered my boss for an explanation.

He was obviously worried that he might say something wrong, so he beat around the bush for a while. But what I finally got is that apparently I am perceived as too young, bright-eyed, and enthusiastic—and I lack “gravitas.” I had to look it up. To be fair, I am young and I look even younger than I am. I am super extroverted, love connecting with people, and have been called “vivacious.” My friend group nickname for me is “Bubbles.”

I tried to get my boss to tell me what I should change to be considered for a promotion, but he didn’t have much to say about that. He just kept saying “You need to work on your executive presence.”

Where do I start?

Bubbles

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Dear Bubbles,

I want a friend named Bubbles. How delightful you sound. I am sorry that your assets (looking young, having so much energy, being enthusiastic) are working against you achieving your career goals. It tends to be the case that our greatest gifts can have a dark side. I feel bad for your boss, hapless as he is, because this kind of feedback can feel so personal. Since some of it might be connected to your being female, it could also get him in hot water with HR. So he has left you to figure it out on your own. That is pretty common.

Gravitas, according to Merriam-Webster, means: high seriousness (as in a person’s bearing or in the treatment of a subject). Oxford says: dignity, seriousness, or solemnity of manner. Essentially, people with gravitas are seen as expert, experienced, believable, steady, and trustworthy. I have experienced women getting the “gravitas” feedback quite a few times. And yes, it does always seem to be women. Although God forbid that a woman be perceived as dour, humorless, or a party pooper.

I’d love to say “Go ahead and continue to be your authentic self—your brilliance and work ethic will eventually speak for themselves,” but I would be doing you a disservice. Perception of others is not necessarily a true reality, but it is nevertheless a reality, and it is keeping you from getting what you want and deserve. There may be some value in making the effort to shift it. Not in trying to change your nature—I would never wish that on you, and it usually doesn’t work anyway—but in consciously managing your behaviors at work to shift others’ perception of you.

The key is to identify behaviors that make you seem young, overeager, impulsive, or somehow not serious. Ask your partner and your wonderful friends “What do I do that makes me seem young, or not serious, or not believable, or downright annoying?” Promise them you won’t get mad. Your feelings might get hurt a little—but better to know now, don’t you think? It could be very illuminating.

Now choose a few behaviors you think you might be able to notice and stop. Start with one:

1. Notice when you do it.
2. Pay attention to peoples’ reactions.
3. Wonder: What might I do differently? How might I express my opinion, thought, excitement with a little less—bubbliness?
4. Consider what is the shift—from what to what. See some examples below.
5. Try on a new way. You will fail. You will forget. Keep it up and notice how the reaction of others changes.

Once you get a good hold on one behavior, move down your list.

I can rely only on my own perceptions of people who lack gravitas to give you examples of potential shifts. Maybe some of these will resonate.

Here’s the thing, Bubbles—the silver lining of this situation is that it won’t last forever. The beauty of age is that you will gain the benefits of everything you have learned and achieved, and no one will dismiss you for being too young. And when you are the boss, you can still rely on your good behavior habits but allow yourself a little more leeway. You can wear the funkiest glasses you can find. You can guffaw. You can show your tattoos. You can be completely and unapologetically yourself. You will get there—age leaves no one behind. And until you do, direct people’s attention to what matters most about you—your intelligence, your work ethic, your commitment to excellence, and your knowledge and skills.

Effervesce all you want with your friends and family. Fizz away with pals at work who already “get” you, on breaks, offline.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of project and program managers responsible for keeping software implementations on track for a global company. I have five regional directors, each of whom manage about fifteen individual service representatives.

The frontline folks are highly skilled—their jobs require a lot of technical experience and real expertise. They are dedicated and hard working. The problem is that as our sales have taken off, no one seems to understand how much the volume of work has increased for my group.

My people are all working way too much and at all hours, because so many of our customers have teams in multiple time zones. A rep might have a 4:00 a.m. call, work all day, and then have another call at 9:00 p.m. It’s just too much. Things are falling through the cracks and we are not able to return some help calls in the prescribed short time frame. Salespeople are getting upset and accusing my folks of not being on top of things.

I think we need to revisit job design and fine-tune how we deal with the time zone situation, including hiring more people in more time zones. I have been researching how other companies are dealing with this and I have some good ideas.

My EVP’s idea is to roll out customer service training to all frontline professionals. That is the last thing they need as they are very service oriented. There is only so much one person can do. I think if we try to get our people to attend customer service training, they will revolt and quit. My EVP doesn’t get it.

I am a quiet person and get very nervous when I need to negotiate and take a stand for my point of view, which is what I know I need to do. I just don’t know if I can. What do you suggest?

Need to Negotiate

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Need to Negotiate,

It sounds like you truly care about your people and understand your business. I understand how intimidating it can be to have to push back on your boss and make your case for a different approach.

You are right that asking your people to go through service training instead of redesigning systems to make their workload more manageable will not get the results your EVP is looking for. I know exactly what you mean, having had the experience of doing coaching skills training for overwhelmed groups who literally walked out because the training was so beside the point for them.

So, yeah, you do have to take a stand. Losing your skilled people would be disastrous for you and for the folks who remain!

Your first line of defense is data. Your EVP needs to understand the toll of the “24/7 Always On” situation. It is not sustainable. I’ll bet you have kept very good records of how much and when your folks are delivering to clients. The more you can clearly demonstrate the reality of what is going on, the more effective your negotiations will be. Use your data analytics to paint the picture in a way your boss can clearly understand. To do that, think about what language your boss speaks most easily. Some people speak Excel (just numbers), some speak Word (numbers with anecdotal evidence), and some speak PowerPoint (graphs and visuals).

Next, write up your ideas about job redesign. Present your two best options and compare the cost of each to the cost of irrelevant training. Be clear about where the ideas came from and be ready with evidence to support your assertions. Having everything down on paper, well thought out, and presented in a way your EVP can understand will give you a lot of confidence.

Nervousness can often be alleviated with proper preparation. Trying to make your case without all your ducks in a row would not be effective. Get your presentation together and practice it, preferably with another person or persons. Give your practice audience questions to ask and encourage them to ask other questions that occur to them so you are prepared for something that might come out of left field.

You can lean on how much you care about your people to help you overcome your nerves, too. Remember: this is about them, not about you.

Senior executives know what you are thinking only if you tell them—and it is your job to prevent disaster here. Nobody will appreciate an “I told you so” after the fact. So practice saying “this is my position on this, and here is how I got to it.” I am not saying this will guarantee success, but at least you will have given it your best shot.

If you really want to sharpen your negotiating skills long term, my new favorite book on that topic is Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference. I have been testing out some of his simple but effective techniques and I’m very intrigued. His material may not immediately make you a crack hostage negotiator (at least it hasn’t happened for me yet), but it could be a start.

This is your chance to lead. A lot of quiet folks think their predisposition to introversion will work against them, but I have not experienced that to be true. Yes, you have to work on your confidence. But you are well positioned to prepare with unimpeachable analysis and to take courage from your purpose to properly care for your people.

I’m betting you can.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director-level leader in a national insurance organization. The culture here is that things get done slowly, and only when everyone agrees with the change.

I have been tasked with spearheading a ton of change, which is desperately needed. I have not made any friends with my approach and my boss has told me that my “brand” is suffering.

Apparently, I am seen as arrogant—and I am arrogant, I guess. I am an expert in my field and I just don’t understand why people can’t just take my word for it when I explain what needs to be done.

My fiancée has pointed out that I get combative and defensive when my expertise is challenged. She thinks my ego is getting in my way. I concede that that might be true, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Would appreciate any ideas.

Ego is Getting in My Way

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Dear Ego is Getting in My Way,

You wouldn’t be the first to deal with this particular issue. The good news is that you are aware of how you have contributed to creating this situation, which is maybe the biggest hurdle. I worked with a speaking coach many years ago who said something I will never forget: “They won’t buy the message if they don’t buy the messenger.” It is just about as true an adage as I have ever heard.

Your first step is to adopt a little humility. Your ego might well be your problem, and it might be combined with a strong need for expediency or for being right. Probably both. That’s okay. Your needs won’t tank your career, but trying to get them met in a way that repels people will. Notice when your need is driving your behavior—and, if you have to, put your hand over your mouth to keep yourself from saying something that won’t get you the results you want. Ken Blanchard says, “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” Another brilliant adage. So instead of reflexively getting your own needs met, think about the needs of the people you have to influence. Almost everyone needs to be considered, heard, and respected. People often use the word arrogant about someone when they feel devalued by that person. So stop sending the message that you feel you are surrounded by idiots.

Now either create or nurture your relationships with every single person you need on your side. “Oh wow,” you might be thinking, “who has time for that?” You do. Because it is the only way you are going to be successful. Make a map of every single person you need and make it your mission to get to know them and to let them get to know you. In these days of social distancing it is harder than ever, but it must be done. If there are some folks located near you, set up breakfast, coffee or drinks meetings. Keep the focus off of work and simply get to know people. Years ago the NYTimes published a wonderful article called The 36 Questions That Lead to Love. (If you need a subscription to see that, here is another way to get to them.) You may think “What? What does this have to do with love?” Everything—because you actually really need to know the people you work with and they need to know you. Once people really know each other, they tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you can’t get together in person, do some “getting to know you” calls over Zoom. It will feel really weird and uncomfortable, but you just have to do it.

You will still be yourself. You may even continue to be arrogant. But it won’t bother people as much because they’ll see all the other stuff about you that makes you great.

People will assume you are an expert. You wouldn’t be in the job otherwise. So stop trying to prove it all the time. When you are challenged, listen carefully to the challenges, repeat them back so the person challenging you knows you have heard them. Show respect by taking concerns seriously and showing that you care about the person even as you might be thinking they have no idea what they are talking about.

One of the hardest things for leaders who are ascending quickly to understand is that being the smartest person in the room and being a champion problem solver is the ante to get into the game. The thing that keeps you in the game, and winning it, is relationships.

I’ll bet this is not what you wanted to hear. But I guarantee this approach will go a long way toward rehabilitating your brand.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a cofounder of a retail swimsuit company that is really taking off. We were lucky the pandemic hit just as we were about to sign leases on some actual stores, so we really dodged a problem that could have tanked us.

About nine months ago, we hired a full-time marketing person. I will call him Marco. He is very creative, super talented—brilliant, really—and we all love the latest catalogue he put together. The problem, and it has taken me the longest time to figure this out, is that he causes chaos.

We are small team—only 7 full-time employees and lots of contractors. Before Marco, we were a well-oiled machine. Everyone knew their job and did their job. There was almost no actual conflict. Sure, we disagreed about stuff, but we always found a way to work things out. Ever since Marco showed up, on any given day at least one person is mad at me and there is constant confusion about who is doing what, how things are getting done, timelines, etc.

Marco causes chaos by planting little seeds of doubt:

• “Have you talked to X about that timeline? I heard it was shifted back by 30 days.”
• “I thought B had changed the red layout to pink—are you sure we are going with red?”
• “Is that decision final? I thought we were still thinking about that.”

So we are all going in circles all the time, bumping into each other and second-guessing ourselves.

I have tried to talk to Marco about this quirk and he gets really defensive right away. When I bring it up, he immediately goes to “You don’t value my work; I don’t understand what your problem is; you are blaming me for how disorganized you are,” and on and on.

Is it me? Help!

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Is It Me?

No. It’s Marco.

Normally, I would suggest that you try to give Marco very clear feedback or have “the hard conversation”. But I can’t help sharing my first instinct here, which is that you have a Crazymaker in the mix.

Of course I don’t have all the details, but the tipoff is that pre-Marco you had a well-oiled machine, and post-Marco’s arrival you are a bunch of pinballs bumping into each other.

I first learned the term Crazymaker from Julia Cameron in her book The Artists Way, which has become one of my very few ‘bibles’ over the years. The book itself was intended to be a week-by-week to-do manual to help people discover or recover their creativity. Many of Cameron’s ideas have become part of my own personal toolkit and are tools I have shared with clients again and again.

The idea of the Crazymaker is that we all, either occasionally or as a habit, become involved with people who thrive on drama and chaos. As Cameron says, “They are often charismatic, frequently charming, highly inventive, and powerfully persuasive” (pg. 44). And, in the end, “enormously destructive.”

Here is the way they operate. (The headings are Cameron’s, pgs. 46-49, and the added detail is me.)

• Crazymakers break and destroy schedules. The CM is the one who sends you email when you are on vacation—a real “unplugged” vacation that you prepared for, that you arranged for proper backup to protect—that begins “I know you’re on vacation, but…”.The CM is the one who will invariably call after you expressly cordoned off time to get your second vaccine, knowing you might feel poorly. The CM is the one who didn’t prepare the critical presentation for a meeting that now needs to pushed back. They are late, even when they have been told how important timeliness is to you. They simply don’t show, they have car trouble, they ran out of gas, or they forgot.
• Crazymakers expect special treatment. The rules simply do not seem to apply to the CM. They don’t like using the new Teams site, so they still email everything despite an agreement made by all to reduce email. They still text about important details that are better tracked on a spreadsheet, and expect you to keep track of their details. They delete stuff you send them so you have to resend. They hate using the edit function in Google docs so they will do it their way.
• Crazymakers discount your reality. They simply won’t or can’t hear feedback, preferring to believe that their excuse is more relevant than the fact that something happened. “Yes, but…” is one of their favorite sentence stems, when in fact what they should really be saying is, “Wow, I didn’t understand the impact of that, I am sorry, I will pay more attention, thank you for letting me know,”—which is how “Sanemakers” (my made-up word) respond.
• Crazymakers spend your time and money. Budgets are for other people. “I know we said we could only spend $1000, but look how cool this is—I just know the extra $5K will be worth it.” Funny—when it comes to bonus time, they won’t be so willing to stick with the plan.
• Crazymakers triangulate those they deal with. I first experienced the effects of a master CM when I was a cofounder of dotcom startup and was on an extraordinary team of three women. We were joined at the hip and in perfect sync, getting more done in less time than seemed possible. A new person joined our marketing team, and, very shortly thereafter, all three of us were at odds, suspicious of each other, spending precious time looping back trying to regain clarity. Finally, at our daily check-in one night, I pointed out the change in our dynamic and asked that we figure out what was going on. After a moment of silent thought, we all said, pretty much at the same time: “Clarissa.” I went to the head of marketing to see if they were having the same issue. Yup, indeed they were. Clarissa was gone soon after.
• Crazymakers are expert blamers. “It wasn’t me” is the motto of the CM. It is always someone else’s fault, and if it wasn’t somebody else, it was the weather. Or the pandemic. Or the election. Or the dog ate my homework. This was cute in my eight-year-old son, but we really need employees who have outgrown infantile behavior.
• Crazymakers create dramas but seldom where they belong. I have a no drama rule. I like to keep my drama confined to Netflix and to the big life emergencies we can’t avoid. I have always told my teams “nobody dies in coaching services.” It can be easy to get caught up in drama. It can even be fun. Research shows that gossip and novelty cause bursts of dopamine in our brains. Dopamine makes us feel good. It’s what is released with alcohol, chocolate, shopping, or when a notification of a “like” on your latest post pops up. It is addictive. But, like all good things, too much of it is, well—too much.
• Crazymakers hate schedules, except their own. See above.

Finally, and possibly most exasperatingly:

• Crazymakers deny they are Crazymakers. Remember when I said CM’s are charming and persuasive? They are gifted at building intimacy and using your vulnerabilities against you. The closer you get to understanding that they are responsible for the crazy, the more they will try to redirect the attention to someone or something else. When people are simply a pain in the neck, it is easy to see their antics. When they are super talented and add a lot of value, it can be hard to pinpoint the source of the crazy and to calculate the high cost of tolerating it.

If this information resonates with you, I am probably right. If not, go ahead and prepare to have the hard conversation, give the feedback, and make clear requests. Be ready to track accountability to impose consequences for lack of compliance.

If you do have a Crazymaker, you are feeling it in your gut, right now. Honor that knowing and remember that it is up to you to stop the madness. I have never, let me repeat, never, had a client who let go of a Crazymaker and regretted it. Yes, you will have to find someone else. Yes, you may have to go without for a while. But I guarantee you will never look back. And you will now have radar for the profile and will never let another one into your sphere again.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to director of contracts and compliance at a global staffing organization. I have a great team, I seem to be well regarded in the organization, and I get along well with my direct boss and his boss, who is the regional CEO.

I am often tapped to lead or be part of special projects and am often consulted on issues that aren’t part of my remit. I never say “no” to anything because I worry that I will be seen as not contributing enough. I am haunted by the feeling that I just lucked into this position, and one day someone is going to realize I am really not that smart and I will be summarily fired.

My wife—a child psychologist, who you would think would be more helpful—laughs at me and tells me I have this fear because I never graduated university.

I know I need to get better at saying “no” to things so I can concentrate on my job, but I just can’t seem to get over this feeling of dread. What do you recommend?

Never Enough

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Never Enough,

You, my friend, have a classic case of Imposter Syndrome. I estimate that 7 out of 10 extraordinarily successful people I have coached have suffered the same way, so you are definitely not alone. The official research statistics are all over the place—but there has been plenty of research. I have noticed this condition can be particularly acute among people who don’t tick every box on the “expected achievements” list for the position they occupy—so your lack of an advanced degree is probably exacerbating your paranoia.

Here is a short TED talk that describes what Imposter Syndrome is and how to combat it.

The way I have always worked on IS with clients is to ask them to do a reality check. The first step is to ask yourself:

• Have I received an official notice from my boss that I am not meeting performance expectations?
• Have I ever lied about my qualifications and been afraid of being found out? (This one is a doozy—I once worked with a client who had lied about graduating from college and was, in fact, found out. It was embarrassing, but she kept her job.)
• Have I received performance feedback that leads me to think I am failing at my job in some way?
• Can I point to evidence that leads me to think others suspect I am not worthy of the job I have?

I suspect the answer to all of the above questions is no. If so, then, as I always say, stay focused on reality and let it go.

I recently came across a piece in a book that I think is worth sharing: My Friend Fear by Meera Lee Patel. Patel defines IS: “The imposter syndrome is the fear that our achievements aren’t deserved, that underneath our progress and success we’re actually fraudulent and unworthy. When we receive a raise or promotion at work, we believe we simply got lucky—it couldn’t be that our efforts and determination finally paid off.”

But Patel said something else I have never heard or read before:

“While this particular fear will do everything in its power to dismiss your successes, it also highlights your most intimate wish: to be a caring parent, a successful writer, or a trusted friend. The imposter syndrome affects those of us who wish to be of value—not because we are ego-driven, but because we want to believe we have something to offer.

Our doubt comes from our desire.

When you feel the imposter syndrome coming on, invite it to sit beside you. Close your eyes and feel the waves of self-doubt vibrate through your bones. Slowly, let them soften and subside. Watch carefully as the guilt your feel outlines the things you care about most in this world, and feel gratitude for your ability to discern what makes you feel alive. This is not easy work, but it is essential. Like all other fears, the imposter syndrome has two faces: one that can help and one that can harm. Which you choose to see is up to you.” (Pg. 87)

 I agree. Fear is data, and we can let it control us or we can interpret the data and choose what to do with it. It is amazing how common this syndrome is. The key is to not let it stop you. Fear is always there—you can depend on it. So you might as well make friends with it and take the gifts it gives not as truth but as an indication of what is most important to you. You can notice the fear, seek to understand what it has to offer you, be grateful for it, and put it in its place. I worked with one client who kept a small box in her briefcase . When she felt overwhelmed by her IS, especially before big presentations, she would take the box out, put her fear in it for safe keeping for the duration of her big moment, then take it out again and thank it for its attentive patience. It 100% worked for her.

Right now you are letting your fear—which is fueled by your desire to be a great manager and corporate citizen—control you. You are allowing it to push you to say “yes” when you know you need to be saying “no.” It is costing you; and if you allow it to continue, it could cause you to be so overextended that your job performance suffers and voilà: self-fulfilling prophecy.

Please don’t let that happen.

I am not saying you shouldn’t take on cool value-add projects that are interesting to you—it’s just that you can’t accept everything simply because your fear is saying you must. Again, a little dose of reality can be useful. Some questions to ask yourself when invited to a new project:

• Is this irresistibly interesting to me?
• Is there something important for me to learn by joining this team?
• Do I have something to add that nobody else can bring?
• Will I meet new and interesting people that will expand my network in the organization?
• Will joining this team attract the positive attention of people who can be advocates for me in the organization?
• Will I really have the time to devote myself to this project without my actual job performance suffering?

I would submit that you will want to be able to answer each of those questions with an unequivocal YES before allowing yourself to even consider accepting another invitation. I mean, seriously, I suspect your job is full-time enough. And even then, consider limiting your projects to a low number—like 2. A year. Max. Or better yet, take some time off and use that time to sit with your fear, make friends with it, and convince it that it is not the boss of you.

And tell your wife to be nicer. Your suffering isn’t funny, and she could at least try to empathize. Just saying.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been on sick leave for the last few months. Before that, I worked as an essential medical worker—administrative, not patient care—in a big city. It was intense. We had big refrigerated morgue trucks in the parking lot, and it felt like no one who was not in medicine understood quite how crazy things were.

I did, in fact, contract COVID and was sick, but I recovered fairly quickly. I am now on sick leave because of a chronic condition that I now realize was very much exacerbated by the stress of my job—and by the fact that my former boss was really, really mean.

I was told before I went on sick leave that I was being let go from the job that I had, but would be eligible to apply for other jobs in the hospital. I am not worried about finding a job. I am really good at a very narrow specialty and there are few people who can do what I do. But now that I’ve had some time to step back a little, I realize how awful my boss was to me. He was a bully who believed that my condition was all in my head and I just used it as a ploy to get sympathy. He even made fun of me in staff meetings. I laughed it off at the time, but now I see how wildly inappropriate his behavior was.

Now I’m wondering about myself. What on earth is it about me that allowed that ugliness? Am I just a victim? And how do I prevent that in my next job? Should I even try to go back to the hospital? Should I confront the bully? I keep going in circles and not getting anywhere. Any ideas you might have would be welcome.

At a Crossroads

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear At a Crossroads,

Well, wow. I am always amazed at what people are capable of. Look at what you have been through, At a Crossroads, and yet here you are picking yourself up off the floor and getting ready to fling yourself back out there. My hat is off to you: your resilience, your courage, your clarity about what happened, and your self-awareness and willingness to wonder what part you might have played in how things went down.

Let’s get you out of circles and moving toward some action, shall we? I’ll address your excellent questions in order:

What on earth is it about you that allowed that ugliness? Are you just a victim? I ask: Indeed. Are you? Only you can tell, since you would have to look at your history. Has this ever happened before? If yes, is it a pattern? If yes, then you definitely will want to find a good therapist and take a good hard look at what is going on and how you can break the pattern. If no, this is an isolated incident, it’s possible you never really noticed how messed up things were because there was so much other crazy stuff going on.

Adults who are targets for bullies tend to be people who stand out because they are super competent, nice, and a little isolated. But most important, they don’t draw boundaries or fight back. You can read about another situation here. Many bullies will cease and desist when the person they are picking on simply says something like, “Are you serious right now?” or “That really hurts my feelings,” or “Wow, that is just mean. Are you trying to be mean?” Some people who are perceived as bullies are, in fact, bad people—but some are simply oblivious and have no idea how their behavior impacts others until someone calls it out.

How do you prevent this kind of thing in the future? If this isn’t a pattern, you are probably going to be fine. You will have your spidey sense up in the future and it will never happen again. You can certainly vet your next boss by asking questions about their leadership style and what is important to them. And you can also not accept a new position until after you have interviewed others who work for the potential boss.

Should you try to go back to the hospital? If you think you can stay out of Mr. Meanie’s way, sure. But think about the big picture. If you start from scratch, you will be able to research culture, training programs, and leadership development programs of different hospitals to find a place where leadership matters. Also, you can check out things like location, pay, benefits, and opportunity for advancement. Why not go for your perfect job? Or, if everything at your last position was perfect except for your boss, why not go back?

Should you confront the bully? Maybe. You would have to decide what you want to get out of it. Most fantasy scenarios never play out in real life. If you think your bully might be open to hearing feedback on how his behavior impacted you, it might be useful. But you will want to prepare really well. Some thoughts on that here. But honestly—why bother? It isn’t your problem anymore, and it doesn’t sound like you owe the bully anything. Giving feedback is a gift. I will only do it if it’s my job. No good deed goes unpunished—and, in this case, that will almost certainly be true. Perhaps you want an apology? You would need to ask for one directly, and even then, it is a long shot. If it is closure you want, you might consider writing a letter outlining your experience. Write it out point by point—what happened and how it made you feel. Then you can decide if you want to send it. Just writing it will help you get it out of your head, and hopefully let it go. The carefully crafted, heartfelt letter that is never sent is a beautiful recovery tool.

One note about your condition. Is it possible you would qualify as someone with a disability so that you would have protections in the future? It might be worth looking into. And if your condition is brought on by stress, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that you would be well served to explore stress management skills; meditation, mindfulness, prayer, yoga, exercise, getting a pet. All proven to help people reduce stress.

Sail on, At a Crossroads. Take care of yourself and go forth and find your perfect spot where you can do your special job beautifully for a nice boss who appreciates you.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a global manufacturing company. I manage managers and I am responsible for about 300 people around the globe. I was trained as an engineer and I really loved my job— until recently.

I am not sure what happened, but about a year ago—long before the COVID crisis—I noticed that I just didn’t care anymore. There’s still plenty of work and plenty of urgency, and I still have the same team reporting to me that I care so much about—but I just don’t feel like any of it matters. We are getting good results, and in many ways the current crisis is benefiting our business, so it’s not that I am overwhelmed. I have total job security. I thought it might be burnout, because I do work a lot. But I read up on that and it isn’t quite that.

I think it is somehow connected to not having a sense of purpose. What do you think? How important is it to have a sense of purpose? And if it is important, how do I find mine?

Just Don’t Care

Dear Just Don’t Care,

What yucky way to feel. I’m sorry. Burnout is, in fact, the usual suspect when people feel the way you describe. But if you have reviewed the literature and don’t think that is the root cause of your yuck, there are a couple of other ideas to consider. It might be a combination of a bunch of different things.

Grief. Is it possible that you lost someone dear to you a bit before you started feeling this way? In Western culture, we tend to feel like grief should be something we need to get over in a prescribed time period and that it is an act of will. It just is not so. Grief can last a very long time, to the point that we don’t even connect how sad we are to the precipitating incident. I once worked with a client who was feeling the way you described. When I asked if he thought it might be grief, he said: “I lost my partner four months ago, but it can’t be grief because she was really sick for a long time and I knew she was going to die.” I was stunned. Where did that rule come from? Grief is grief. It has its own timetable. You just have to find small ways to make life bearable until it lifts. Or, if you think it has gone on way too long, you can get some help with it.

Depression. If you have a family history of depression, you may recognize it. If you think you might be depressed, you could start with focusing on getting your needs met and finding your path to a purpose. You may also consider diet, exercise, or getting outdoors—all of which literally change your brain chemistry. Depression is such a common diagnosis these days, if that were the problem it’s likely you already would have self-diagnosed.

Core personal needs. It is possible that you have some fundamental core needs, or even just one, that isn’t being met. Either you were getting your needs met, something changed, and now your needs aren’t getting met but you haven’t noticed it; or you never noticed something critical was missing, and now you do. Linda Berens, an expert on personality types and the way personality differences affect relationships, has this to say about needs: “The needs represent … the driving force. Individuals unconsciously and consciously seek every avenue to get the needs met. When these needs are met, the individual is energized and light of spirit. When these needs are not met, the individual is drained of energy and suffers dissatisfaction or stress.” If you are interested in understanding more, check out Linda’s work here.

Another expert on needs, Abraham Maslow, established a now widely accepted theory that all human beings have a hierarchy of needs that must be met in a specific order. His work has flowed into the zeitgeist the way Freud’s notion of the unconscious has—although his view of humans is more optimistic than Freud’s. According to Maslow, humans are hardwired to satisfy basic needs for shelter, air, food, and water. Once those have been satisfied, people are free to then build stability and safety for their lives. This is generally represented by a strong and safe family unit.

Then, when people feel safe and stable, the natural impulse is to seek groups so that they feel accepted and build camaraderie. This is the need for belonging. Then, and only then, are people free to meet their esteem needs, which usually take the form of competence or mastery. There is overlap between the need to belong and the esteem needs. Humans naturally seek to belong to groups that recognize their accomplishments.

The last need in Maslow’s hierarchy is self-actualization, or the deep desire for people to maximize their potential. Self-actualization often takes the form of a search for knowledge, a quest for mastery, a life devoted to God, and what we generally think of as self-fulfillment. There is a good chance that you have the first two, or even three—moving from the bottom of the pyramid up—pretty much covered. Possibly, you have been super focused on other needs, and, now that they are fully met, it is time to turn your attention to the next level.

Values and purpose. Another possibility, the one you suspect, is that you have become aware that is it time to identify your purpose. Your purpose will be rooted in your values—those things that you say are important to you. When people spend too much of their time devoted to work that is not aligned with their values, they can easily fall into a funk. Maybe something changed about your job or at home so that you are no longer allowed to be focused on what is most important to you. It might be useful to identify what has changed; it could help you to identify what is missing now. This state of mind can be subtle and creep up so you don’t even notice it until—you described it really well—you wake up one day feeling like nothing matters. Some people manage to go through their entire lives without ever thinking about their purpose, while others seem to be driven by it early on.

My experience with clients is that having a clear purpose is especially useful when you are committed to doing hard things over a long period of time or when you are going through times that are tedious. If you have never done purpose work—often referred to by Simon Sinek as your “WHY”— now is the perfect time to give it some thought. Of course, there are entire books and courses devoted to this topic, so here are some questions to get you started:

Questions to ask to define your purpose:

• What do you do easily and naturally that you are known for, that people come to you for, and that others thank you for?
• What are you doing when you are in the zone, lose track of time, and would do it for free if you didn’t need a paycheck?
• What are you willing to do despite knowing you might be judged by others or that it might make you look foolish?
• What dream did you have when you were younger that you meant to defer but then forgot about?
• Considering what is important to you, and your purpose to the extent that you have a sense of it, what do you see is reasonably possible (with a fair amount of work and commitment) for you?
• Can you paint a detailed picture?
• What does the picture tell you?
• What could you do now—just as a first step—so that the picture can be manifested in reality some day?

You will have to experiment a little and notice what gives you joy and feels like the right direction. That’s okay, you have time, and you will start feeling better once you start picking up clues and penciling out a plan. I personally dabbled in a topic for thirteen years before finally getting serious and signing up for classes. Seven years later I am still a neophyte, partially because it takes decades to master, partially because there is still the family (husband, four kids, three dogs), the full-time job (which I love) and, you know, life. But I have made slow and steady progress, which allows me to feel 100% on purpose and gives me extraordinary satisfaction.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t suggest that you schedule a physical with a doctor. There might be a chemical reason for feeling the way you do; you just never know. If your hormones are wildly out of whack or you are deficient in some key nutrient, a visit to your doctor will rule it in or out. Your doctor may diagnose depression—which of course might be true—but unmet needs or a lack of purpose and values alignment are often diagnosed as depression.

Of course, the feeling might just lift on its own, but I do encourage you to continue your inquiry—it can only help. Good luck to you. There is so much joy to be had in this life. I hope you can find your way back to it.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior business leader for a global manufacturing company. I recently was on a panel with an officer of our company—not my boss, but a peer of my boss. He was very impactful with his remarks; I was okay but not nearly as sharp. Later, when I complimented him on his presence and remarks, he graciously thanked me and asked if he could give me some advice.

Of course I said yes.

“You need to prepare,” he said. “You have no idea how much I prepare when I need to speak—in any venue, including executive team meetings. It makes all the difference.”

It got me to thinking, and I realized that I have been basically winging it. All the time. I talk way too much. I start talking and keep talking until I figure out what my point is. I am smart enough to have gotten away with it so far—but now that it has been called out, I really want to improve. I am not sure where to begin. Thoughts?

Winging It

Dear Winging It,

The first step is self-awareness, so congratulations for realizing that you can improve. It is my experience that the less people talk, the more others tend to pay attention when they do. There is tremendous power in silence, and in taking the moment to think before you speak.

The next step is clarifying your own motivation for improving, because it will require sustained attention and effort. Since you have gotten away with winging it till now, it would be easy to slide back into old habits. So remembering the point of the exercise will help to keep you on track. Ask yourself:

• Why bother improving?
• What are my long-term career goals, and will my improving impact those goals significantly?
• How will I deal with it when I get disillusioned with how much time and effort preparation takes?

Once you have given this a little thought, you will be ready for the next step. This may be the hardest part: deciding what meetings/events you want to be more prepared for and blocking time off on your calendar to prepare.

The key to preparation is taking the time to do it—and you’ll find that it really doesn’t take that long. Once you have your system down you might very well be able to do it on your commute, or your morning walk, or even in the shower. Personally, I prepare by creating mind maps using pen and paper. Many people need to think out loud and take note of what comes out of their mouths that is useful and what can be consolidated or edited out. You will have to experiment.

Taking the time to prepare also means reviewing the supporting documents that are shared before a meeting. Most people who are used to winging it figure they can do a quick scan once the meeting starts, which is probably what you do now. But reviewing early will allow you the time to develop an opinion with supporting arguments that will be three steps ahead of what you can get to in real time.

Once you have blocked a little time out, run some tests: What method is going to serve you best? Are you a writer? Do you need markers and flip chart so you can think big? Do you need to think out loud with a peer or team member? Perhaps the recording feature on your phone would help you?

To organize your preparation, regardless of your method, consider:

• Who is your audience?
• What is their agenda? Why are they there?
• What is the main topic or decision that needs to be made?
• Do you have one or two key messages you want people to remember?
• Are there related side topics that may be missing, and can you explain why it is critical to address those at this time?
• What are the most important points people need to hear to grasp your opinion?
• Do you want/need research or statistics to support your point(s)? It’s much better to Google beforehand and be ready with links.
• Is there a personal story or example you might share to support a point?
• Can you tell that story succinctly and make sure it circles back to the point? Stories are very effective but all the more when they are short, sweet, and relevant.
• If your audience remembers only one thing about what you say, what do you want it to be?
• Is there a call to action and is it clear?
• What questions do you anticipate being asked, and how will you answer them?

If you start with just these, you will be way ahead of the game. Even if you focus yourself on the way to a meeting (or in our current Zoom world, take five minutes before the meeting) with some thinking about who the audience is and what you need them to know, you will be on the road to being prepared. Success breeds success, so start small and build.

If at all possible, consider asking the gentleman who gave you advice how he prepares—he may have some brilliant tips for you. And almost everyone likes being asked for advice.

Finally, you can practice keeping your hand over your mouth until you figure out exactly what needs to be said. I spend a great deal of time with my hand over my mouth—as a former “winger,” it serves me well. It is much easier to circle back to share something you didn’t get a chance to say than to take back something (or worse, a lot of stuff) you wish you hadn’t.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a somewhat new manager in the law office of a large government agency. I stepped into my new role after my boss left. The pay raise was negligible and my workload has tripled, but I figure it’s good experience.

Here’s my question. I had an epiphany last week: my new direct reports—there are seven of them—are not like me. I have been managing them the way I like to be managed, and it’s not working at all. I think I know why it isn’t working, but maybe you could help me to understand how I can make it work.

After the Epiphany

Dear After the Epiphany,

First of all, thanks for making me laugh out loud. I am not laughing at you—well, wait; I might be, but just a little. It’s only because so many managers never have your epiphany and because it is such a wonder when someone does get it. And for you to get it at the beginning of your management career is such a gift. My husband calls your pre-epiphany state BLMS: “Be Like Me Syndrome.” Because, generally, we all tend to see everyone through the lens of our own experience, temperament, and skills. So just the fact that you have had this epiphany gets you halfway there. I am actually dying to know how it came to you. What caused the insight?

Now to answer your question. Most people are promoted to a management role because they are very good at their jobs. And most of those new managers get no training on how to manage. Here is a fun if somewhat terrifying infographic on that research. It’s a great mystery to me how anyone thinks being good at a job will make you good at managing people. And yet, I’ve made the mistake myself. One possible reason is that we all tend to engage in magical or wishful thinking. We think “Oh, Ben is so competent and such a hard worker, he would be a great manager!” Some people, like you, get the memo and figure it out for themselves. But many don’t, as seen in the research and certainly in my inbox.

So. You were obviously great at your former job and your bosses clearly had faith that you were able to handle a crushing workload, which is probably why they promoted you. Capacity for hard work is certainly a reasonable ante to be considered for promotion, but it shouldn’t the only one. Regardless, you are in the job and you’re right, the experience will be invaluable. So let’s get you set up to win.

To be a great manager, you must become a student of human nature and the human condition. It is a lifelong course of study. One consolation for the additional study on top of the already crushing workload is that you will hopefully be the wiser, more patient, and generous for it.

Where to start to become a student of your people? I have four tips. You don’t have to tackle all of these in order, but they are in the order of the stuff I wish someone had told me before I started managing people (and to all of those folks who worked for me 30 years ago, I am sorry). This is going to be a lot, so I would recommend that you set up your course of study over a long period of time. Break it down into small chunks and take it slow. As you go, you will find new topics to add to your list—so it will never end—but you will get the fundamentals first.

Temperament: You realize that your people are not like you. Great. The next step is to understand exactly how they are not like you, and to use that insight to modify your communication and style with each person. There are a ton of different models to help you do this. I have learned Myers-Briggs, DiSC, Enneagram, and Temperaments. To me, the simplest and easiest to apply is Temperaments—specifically, the work of Linda Berens. You can identify your own style, how it is different from each of your direct reports’ styles, why it matters, and what to do about it. If you do only this, you will be ahead of the game. It will help you understand specifically what drives and motivates each of your employees, and that will vastly increase your understanding of what they need from you and what rubs them the wrong way.

Don’t try to read minds: Do you know what each of your people is best at? And what they love to do? And how they like to be managed? It doesn’t have to be a big mystery—you can ask them. Create a questionnaire for each of your people to fill out; possibly something like this:

• If you could organize your ideal workday, what would that look like? What would you spend the most time on? What would you not have to do at all if you had a choice?
• How do you think you add the most value to the team and the organization?Tell me about the best boss you ever had—what did they do/not do? What qualities did they have that made them the best boss?
• Tell me about the worst boss you ever had—what made them so terrible? What did they do/not do?
• What is the best job you ever had? What did you love about it?
• What are your pet peeves—the dumb little things other people do that drive you nuts?
• How do you like to be recognized/rewarded?
• What is your superpower? What can you do blindfolded, walking backwards, with your hands tied behind your back? Are you able to use it in your job currently? If not, do you have ideas about how you might be able to?
• Would you be willing to give me feedback on my leadership style? If not, what might I do to change that?
• Do you have short-term or long-term career goals I should know about?
• Is there anything else you want me to know?

The key is to make sure people understand that you won’t be able to give them exactly what they want/need all the time, but that you’ll make an effort to keep what they tell you in mind. You also need to be sure that you’ll never, ever use what someone tells you against them.

SLII®: Learn and use a management model that is simple, straightforward, and foolproof. Honestly, I cannot fathom how I managed people before I learned SLII®. Here is an e-book that will walk you through it. Here is the gist of it:

• Every employee has tasks and goals they are expected to work on.
• For each task and goal, each employee has achieved a certain level of development. Development is a combination of competence to accomplish the task and confidence in their ability to do the task.
• The manager’s job is to flex their leadership style according to each employee’s development level on each task. Style is a mix of direction and support.
• Manager and employee have regular 1×1 meetings to go over tasks and goals, to assess their development levels on each one, and to make it easy for the employee to ask for more direction if needed, or more support if needed.

Simple, right? Yes, and it does suppose that everyone is crystal clear about exactly what tasks and goals they are supposed to be focused on. This first step alone is a stumbling block for so many. It is absolutely staggering how many people are not at all clear about what is expected of them or how to prioritize, so you might want to start there. Ask each of your people to list their tasks and goals in order of priority. You might be surprised to see some things on the list that don’t belong there, and others (that you see as mission critical) that are MIA. Once both of you are on the same page about each task, it is important that you paint the picture of exactly what a good job looks like to you. You can’t read their minds and they definitely can’t read yours. Then, if you have evidence that your employee has done the task before, you can let them go do it. If it is the first time they have ever done it, you will need checkpoints so you can assess understanding and provide redirection before it is too late.

It does take time to set things up at the beginning—but as Ken Blanchard says, if you set things up correctly in the beginning, the end takes care of itself. The beauty of SLII® is that it will keep you from micromanaging when you don’t need to, or letting people flounder when they think they know what to do, but don’t. It is hard for most people to ask for help, especially from a whippersnapper new kid. If you have a training budget, I encourage you to take an SLII® class if you can. It will make a huge difference to your life as a boss.

Communicate your expectations: Finally, you need to be clear with your people about your expectations. If you can’t stand for people to be late, tell them. If you need to see a certain number of work hours a day, tell them. If you expect work with no errors, tell them. Whatever your standards are, tell them. Choose your battles but do draw the lines clearly. Remember that your people are not you, and they will probably not hold themselves to the standards you hold yourself to. That’s OK. If they did, they would be making the big bucks, hahaha. So choose the things that really matter to you, and tell them.

The first job of a manager is to make sure the work gets done while doing no harm to the people doing it. Your people really need to know that you are paying attention, that you care, and that you have their backs. It will take you a while to weave all of this into the job—but if you take it one step at a time, it is doable. And worth it.

Aren’t you glad you asked?

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am uber conscientious and a perfectionist—and I can’t seem to stop. I was promoted a year ago and have a very professional and trustworthy team, but I am addicted to reviewing everyone’s work and making small edits and changes. I am staying way too late at the office and my husband is getting really annoyed with me. I know I’m overworking—but maybe more critically, I’m focused on the wrong things. I’m not paying enough attention to the tasks that are going to advance me professionally.

I know intellectually that I can’t dot every I and cross every T, but I just don’t know how to change. I keep telling myself I’m going to do things differently, but I just continue these compulsive behaviors. I’ve never found myself in this kind of situation. I used to be much more adaptable.

What do you suggest?

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

It sounds like you’re in a hard place where your behavior is causing you real suffering. The good news is that your self-awareness is breathtaking, so you have that going for you. One of two things is going on here: you are simply stuck in a big fat rut that you can succeed in blasting yourself out of, or you’re going to need some professional help to get back on an even keel.

There’s no shame in getting help. If your company has an employee assistance program, I’d highly recommend that you take advantage of it. Just a couple of sessions with a trained therapist might do you a lot of good. I’m not implying there is anything wrong with you—but you sound overwhelmed and unhappy. I don’t think it would hurt to talk things through and get some perspective.

On your own, you can do a few things immediately to shift your situation.

First, stop. Just stop. Your brain has gotten into the habit of being on an endless loop, and you have to interrupt it. Neuroscientists have a saying: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means you have well-worn neural pathways that make it easy for your brain to simply default to your usual way of operating. So STOP. Change your routine, change the scene, change it all up. Take a couple of vacation days and go for walks. Look at a horizon. Spend some time in nature. These aren’t just nice-to-haves—they all have been proven to change brain chemistry.

Next, make a list of all the habits you have created (most of which have made you successful, by the way) that need to change. It feels counterintuitive, but it is critical. You have to stop doing things that don’t serve you, so you can start doing things that do serve you. This sounds shockingly obvious, right? And yet—not everything that is simple is easy. If you want to learn more about the way we create and undo habits, you can read up on it here.

As you look to undo habits that aren’t serving you, remember that you can’t change everything at once. Prioritize the one or two things you want to stop or start that will make the biggest impact on your work processes. Maybe it is simply making a commitment to stop checking your people’s work. For example, you could announce that you will no longer be checking certain kinds of work. You can tell your team that you realize you have been overdoing the control thing, and it’s time to stop. Make sure they all understand your standards for what a good job looks like. (Please note: I don’t mean this has to be the first thing you do; it is just an example.)

Be sure to enlist others. You’ll need some support to make the changes you want to make. Discuss the situation with your manager if you can. Ask for a coach if that is possible. Enlist the help of a good friend you trust who knows you. It can be hard, but you should ask for exactly what you want and need.

Remember your past success. You know you have changed and have been adaptable in the past—you might think about looking back on what has helped you before. Self-awareness is the first step and you have that. Don’t stop there. You can do this, Stuck. You have done it before, and you can do it again. Take a step back, take a deep breath, get some perspective, set your goals, decide what to change, enlist others, and get help where you can. Help is available to you, and help is good.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a ruminator. I second-guess everything I do. My wife is tired of me spending hours every night going over and over the events of the day.

I work in finance and have a lot of technical expertise in my field. My organization counts on me for their reports, budgets, etc. I’m comfortable with generating the numbers, but when people want to talk about forecasting I get really anxious. I’m so afraid of making a mistake and causing some future disaster that I go over every interaction with a fine-tooth comb and think it into the ground.

This thing is getting worse, not better. I have to find a way to change because it’s getting harder and harder to be me. I have never met anyone who has this problem—where should I start?

Ruminator

Dear Ruminator,

It does indeed sound like it is very hard to be you. I’m so sorry. Self-awareness is always a big plus, so articulating your unpleasant work life is a great start. Now that you recognize just how uncomfortable you are, there is a chance you might do something about it.

Rumination is normal. We all do it. When it becomes a habit, though, it can be thought of as obsessive. It’s easy for thinking patterns to become habits because, as a neuroscientist might say, “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” In other words, the more you use a certain mental pathway, the more it becomes a rut for your thoughts to get trapped in.

I want to avoid getting into the neuroscience weeds, but research shows that when a person gets regularly trapped in constant negative rumination, it can be a sign of depression. I highly encourage you to take advantage of your Employee Assistance Program to get some therapy and explore if you think that might be the case with you.

In the meantime, here are two things you can do that will make an immediate difference.

• Exercise. It’s proven that exercise can alleviate anxiety and interrupt undesirable thinking patterns. You don’t need to join a gym, hire a trainer, or anything fancy or expensive. Just get outside for a walk in the middle of the workday or after work. The closer to nature you can get, the better—so if you can drive to a park, do it.

• Choose what happens in your head. When you’re not thinking about anything in particular, choose to be mindful instead of letting your mind wander in what is known as the “default network.” Mindfulness is defined as “(1) Self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience, thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment; (2) Adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment—an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance.”

By practicing mindfulness, you can choose to pay attention to sensory information coming in. What you pay attention to is what you are conscious of. Again, you don’t need to take a class (although that may help). Just pay attention to what you’re paying attention to, and consciously change it if it isn’t useful. A ton of websites are available that can teach you more about this and offer tips. This one might be a good place to start.

There is plenty of credible research about how both exercise and mindfulness can help you re-wire your brain and stop your downward spiral. You really have nothing to lose by trying both of them.

Finally, I offer what I have found to be a very interesting perspective. For years, I was often struck by how habitual time orientation affected the mental well-being of my clients. In 2008 (an oldie but goodie) Philip Zimbardo* wrote a book called The Time Paradox, which specifically reflected what I had observed. In the book, Zimbardo makes the case for how our personal time orientation influences our thoughts, feelings, and actions for better and for worse. I think you might benefit from understanding and shifting your own time orientation. The Time Paradox website has a quick self-assessment you can use to get started. Fun, interesting—and again, you really have nothing to lose except how hard it is to be you right now.

And your wife will be so happy!

Love, Madeleine

*Psychology wonks will recognize the name—Zimbardo conducted the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment.

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am what’s called a “people leader”—I lead individual contributors at a global software giant. I am also a technical contributor as a subject matter expert in a specific application.

I don’t love managing people. I am quite reserved and I find it tiring—but it is the only way to get ahead in this company. I’ve always thought I would stay here forever and rise through the ranks. But there has been so much change over the last 18 months that I have had three different bosses. The last one barely seems to know I am alive and has no idea about my technical expertise.

The person who runs the team on which I am an SME disagrees with the strategic direction of the organization and is planning to leave. He wants to take me with him. He is convincing me that if I went, I would make a lot more money and be able to focus on my technical expertise. I am single and could move, although I would be leaving my family and friends.

I have gotten myself into a state and have no idea what I should I do. Thoughts?

Stay or Go?

Dear Stay or Go,

Ah, these big life decisions. Of course, I can’t recommend a course of action one way or the other. I personally have a bias toward action, which has brought me enormous joy and probably more than my fair share of really bad mistakes. But I can help you review the situation as you have laid it out.

You enjoy the technical part of your job, but you have been pressured into managing people. The company you work for is unstable and you get no attention or support from management. The one senior person who seems to grasp and appreciate your value is leaving the company and wants to take you with him. So far, he has made promises, but as yet you have received no official offer. If you were to agree to an attractive offer, you would have to move and leave a settled life with an established community.

Essentially, you just don’t have enough information yet. I think before you do anything rash, you have to get a solid offer that includes a substantial raise, a clear job description, and your moving expenses covered. Until then, it is all pure speculation.

But this event is a bit of a wake-up call that everything is not quite right in your current position. And it’s an opportunity for you to define for yourself what would be better for you. To make these big life decisions, it is helpful for you to understand your core psychological needs and your values.

Values are important. What makes you smile? What do you gravitate to naturally? What gives you energy and pleasure? Ask yourself: Will I be more aligned with my values in this new situation?

Your needs are even more critical. They are what you have to have. To figure out your needs, think about what you must have to be fully functional. It sounds like you might have a need to pursue your mastery of your technical expertise, but you have no need to be in charge of other people.

Some needs don’t really become apparent until they aren’t met. One of the best ways to identify your needs is to think about a time when you behaved badly or became almost sick with unhappiness. Chances are some fundamental need wasn’t being met. What was it?

Do you like to be appreciated or do you need it? Do you like having a close community near you, or do you need it? If you get a reasonable offer, you will want to ask yourself Will I be able to rebuild a life in a new place where I can get what I need to be stable?

If I could be so bold, I’d like to recommend my book Leverage Your Best in this column. It has some great detail on needs and values and it might be worth your while. The more you understand about yourself, the easier it will be to make these big life choices.

If in the passage of time and events you decide to stay where you are, this exploration will still be useful and will help you shape your career path and inform the requests you make of your current management.

I hope you do a little self-reflection and learn more about who you are and what you really want out of life. The more thought you put into it now, the more likely you will be able to create an extraordinary life with few regrets.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I’ve been coaching executives for about six years now. Recently I was working with a leader who proudly identified himself as a perfectionist. He considered it a badge of honor that he routinely works ten to twelve hours each day. Even now, in his sixties, he has his company cellphone on him at all times and feels he needs to respond to emails, texts, and calls right away. When I asked him if he could set a lower expectation—such as replying within 24 hours—it seemed like a foreign concept to him.

This leader told me, unsolicited, that working so much meant he had missed many of his daughters’ milestones growing up. When they were kids, he told his daughters nothing was acceptable but A+ effort. He is proud that he set such high standards and believes his kids are successful because of those standards. I wonder whether he imposed his standards on his daughters to the degree that they, too, will miss out on parts of their lives trying to be perfect.

Over the years, I’ve heard many renditions of perfectionistic tendencies from my clients. This tends to show up most often when I’m debriefing a 360 or other assessment with them. It surprises and saddens me that many with the highest assessment scores—obviously very qualified people—don’t believe they are doing all that well. Inevitably, most of these people are perfectionists. Their perfectionism distorts their thinking.

Most of us believe it’s good to have high standard. Working hard and performing well are positive qualities. But there’s a difference between having a strong work ethic and striving for perfection.

When I Googled perfectionism, I found a quote from my old friend Wikipedia that sums up the definition well: “Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness AND setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.”

Perfectionism is a huge, complex subject. My intention here is to touch on just a few simple but effective ways people can begin to combat their perfectionistic tendencies.

• Recognize your own perfectionistic tendencies. Increasing your self-awareness of perfectionistic thinking patterns and/or behavioral tendencies is very enlightening.
• Notice your critical internal dialogue (which is usually hard to miss). An effective way to disrupt those self-critical thoughts is to replace them with more realistic and helpful statements—often called affirmations. Every time the internal critic surfaces, silence it with an affirmation. One I like is “I’m okay just as I am.”
• Try living by a “done is better than perfect” philosophy. I first heard this statement from my boss. It’s a good one. As a recovering perfectionist myself, this thought has stopped me many times when I’ve found myself working to make something perfect. Of course, for most perfectionists, their “done” is usually much better than their non-perfectionistic colleagues’ best efforts.

Why should organizations care about helping their perfectionistic employees, you ask? Because perfectionism is linked to accident-related disabilities, absenteeism, burnout, and turnover.

Do you, or someone you know, tend to be perfectionistic? Try these first steps and let us know how they work for you. We’d love to hear your thoughts!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a subject matter expert in an engineering company and, well, a technical genius. I am aware it isn’t politically correct to put it that way, but it is the truth—I have an unusually high IQ and people who come to me for help literally call me “The Genius.”

Our whole team recently did a 360° feedback online. I received my report, which was okay. My direct reports have no complaints with me.  I am a good boss because I studied how to be a good boss and do all that is required. Even though I find it tedious and dull, I do what it takes. My boss also thinks I am great.

The problem is with my peers. It isn’t so much that they said negative or judgmental things; it’s that for many of the questions they mostly responded “N/A,” meaning they didn’t have enough experience with me to credibly respond. The number of N/A’s from my peers made me realize how little they know about me.

I am a quiet person. People tire me out. After work, I really just want to go home, hang out with my cat, and test new levels of video games—which I do for fun for a gaming company run by an old friend. I am generally not included in social events, probably because I consistently decline any invitations I get. I am not just an introvert, I am a turbo introvert.

So, here is my question: Does it matter? Is it important? Is there a compelling reason for me to make the effort to be more social with my peers?

Would Rather be Alone

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Would Rather Be Alone,

Well, it all depends on your work and career goals. I am a little surprised that the success of your team isn’t affected by the fact that you barely interact with your peers. It sounds like regular interaction and cooperation with other teams is simply not required for you to accomplish what needs to be accomplished. That may or may not be true as your company grows and changes. There might be a chance that you will be OK with keeping to yourself for the foreseeable future; however, you might consider the following points.

The higher people go in organizations, the more they need to be connected to their peers to share ideas and ensure collaboration between functions. Research about emotional intelligence reveals that IQ only takes people so far—and that people who have not developed emotional intelligence (EQ) will hit a career ceiling. There might be some value in discussing with your boss your vision for your future in the organization and asking who among your peers might be most critical for you to get to know. Another thought is that one of your peers could easily be your boss someday—and wouldn’t it be easier for you if they had some sense of who you are?

I understand that people tire you out, so I encourage you to start seeing it as part of your job to create relationships with people in the organization who matter to your success. You can study how to do that the same way you studied how to be a good manager. You don’t have to be super social—just an occasional coffee will do it. Don’t try to be anyone but yourself, but don’t make it about you. When you are around people, find a couple of open-ended questions that get them talking. Make it about work by asking things like “What do you like best about your job?” “Is there anything my team could be doing to make things better for your team?” and “Is there anything that you think I should know?”

Then you can reward yourself by going home to your cat knowing you have gone the extra mile. Apply that high intelligence to doing at least the minimum. It won’t hurt you—and it will probably help you in the long run.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’m a mid-level manager with a large team. My boss pretty much leaves me on my own to get my job done. He knows he can trust me. My problem is that I am constantly anxious about my performance, even though no one tells me it isn’t good enough.

Everyone keeps talking about people who are strategic, and I honestly don’t know what that means. I’m pretty sure I am not. Right now we are setting our goals for the year and it’s difficult for me. I think I’m just not a very good planner.

The more I think about this stuff, the more anxious I get. I feel like it is ruining my life.

Help?

Anxious

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Anxious,

Okay, let’s unpack one item at a time, shall we? First things first: your anxiety. It appears there is no rational reason for you to be anxious. Your boss trusts you, you are doing your job well, and you aren’t great at planning—but very few people are.

Have you always had a lot of anxiety, or is this a new development?

If you have always been anxious, you might consider working with a therapist to get to the bottom of it and get some real help. Most organizations have Employee Assistance Programs that are totally confidential and allow for at least a couple of visits with a professional. It can’t hurt and will probably help.

If your anxiety is new, you might examine what has recently changed. Are you watching the news more? That will ratchet up anyone’s anxiety. Have you altered your living situation? It’s possible that a change in routine has thrown you off balance. Often even small changes that we think shouldn’t affect us can throw us for a loop.

One client I worked with was a wreck. When we tried to pin down what was going on, I suggested that it might have to do with the fact that she was getting married. She kept saying, “But I am so happy, this is a good thing, I don’t know why I am so emotional and worried.”

Even the best change is hard and can throw us off center. So cut yourself some slack. Identify the source of new anxiety so that you can address the root cause. Sometimes just clarity and acknowledgment will help you get back on an even keel.

As it happens, there are a few little techniques that can reduce the hold anxiety can have. One is a gratitude practice. Any time you have a down moment—walking up the stairs, taking an elevator, waiting for a light to turn green—just make a quick list of all the things you are grateful for. Your cat, your new phone, the lunch you had today, your best friend, your best employee; anything good or even kind of good that comes to mind. It literally shifts your thinking and your brain chemistry and will always help, never hurt.

Another thing to try, especially at work, is to list your strengths and everything you are good at. Is there any harder job than mid-level manager? I don’t think so. It is fiendishly difficult to be squeezed by top leadership and by the people you are sworn to protect and serve. I wrote an article about this a few years back. I’ll bet you are actually really good at a lot of things that are easy to overlook when you are super focused on your least strong suit.

Let’s talk about the strategy thing now. Strategy is a big word that means lots of things to different people. The actual definition of strategy, from dictionary.com, is: “a plan of action or policy designed to achieve a major or overall aim.”

You clearly can do that, because you have done it in the past. It may not be easy for you—but if pressed, I am certain you have a strong grasp of what your team needs to achieve and what you all need to do to achieve it. You may need to think out loud with a trusted co-worker or one of your team members, and you may have to create several drafts until you get it right.

Planning does require a lot of mental horsepower and some creativity; so, really, it isn’t easy for anyone to do. Try blocking off some quiet time, especially in the morning when you are fresh, to map out your ideas. It will be messy at first but you can put it all into order after you get all your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. It will also take a few iterations to get it right. Perhaps you are not comfortable with mess and expect yourself to get it all crystal clear and correct on the first pass. You will need to get past that expectation.

If you really feel stuck, there is no reason not to discuss this with your boss. Just because he can depend on you doesn’t mean you are on your own and can’t ask for direction and support when you need it.

When people talk about others being strategic, it can mean any number of things: they are making every decision according to a big master plan, or they have a perspective of the big picture, or they can see how multiple departments should work together to reach a common goal or how the company fits into the industry and the trends in the marketplace. Keep in mind, it could also mean the person is masterful at delegating brilliantly so that they never end up having to do any actual work.

I worried the same thing about myself a few years ago and ordered the book Learning to Think Strategically by Julia Sloan. Some of the material—more than I expected, actually—was not news to me, but the author had some good tips I had never heard of for thinking things through. I would submit to you that a book like this will help to remind you of how much you actually do know and fill in a few blanks. Strategy just isn’t that big a mystery. I think the word just scares us.

Finally, anxiety is no joke. It can color every facet of your life and make everything difficult. Don’t try to gut it out alone if this little chat doesn’t help. Get some real support. It can make all the difference.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My problem is that my people—not all of them, but enough—are extremely needy. They come to talk to me and they take up hours of my time.

They talk about their kids, their lives, and their problems and seem to expect that I’m fine with listening to all of this.

I’m not. I mean, I do care about them as people, but the thing I really care about is their work, and that they do it well.

Am I a monster? How do I get people to shut up and get on with it?

Tired of Listening

Dear Tired of Listening,

You sound kind of tough, but you probably aren’t a monster. You are almost definitely a very specific kind of temperament, and it would serve you well to understand personality types and essential motivators. I am a big fan of the work of Linda Berens and you can get a primer on the topic here. There are lots of different personality types and they all require a different kind of connection.

It is my experience though, that regardless of temperament, most people have a deep need to be seen and heard—maybe not you, but most people. Your people want you to know who they are and they want you to care about them. You claim that you don’t care, but since they continue to come to you, you must be faking it pretty well.

My assessment is this: you have the instinct that it is important to spend time with your people and listen to them, which is correct—but you haven’t figured out how to draw boundaries that will limit the amount of your time people take. So it’s time to set some boundaries.

Tell your people that from now on, everyone gets a specific amount of one-on-one time. Some managers have so many direct reports that they can only spend 15 minutes a week with each person, but the ideal is 30 minutes, and an hour is even better. Tell them that their one-on-one time is their time. They should prepare the agenda and they should use their time to bring you up to speed, get the direction they need from you on their work, and plan future projects. Let people know they are invited to share about their personal lives, but they need to fit it all into their one-on-one time. They will get the message loud and clear, and you will have tight boundaries around your time.

Your people clearly crave personal connection with you, and they obviously trust you enough to seek your ear. You can give them what they need and also take care of your own desire to get on with it. Keep working on the amount of time until you reach a comfortable balance. With the right balance, you will find it easier to access the part of you that actually does care—which will meet your needs as well as theirs.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am serious person. I was a serious child, raised by very thoughtful and serious immigrant parents. I have always had high expectations and standards for myself.

I am now a manager of a large group of people and I am continually frustrated that almost none of them live up to my expectations. The typos in people’s emails make me tense and it is almost impossible for me to point out the mistakes without being mean.

I am in a constant state of agitation, with an equal amount of energy going into self-regulation. I know I should let people be themselves and be more accepting, and that most errors ultimately don’t really matter.

I am trying to be more at peace, and in fact, I have started a mindfulness program. But I keep circling back to taking it personally when my people turn in substandard work or miss deadlines.

How can I stop being so rigid?

Too Serious

Dear Too Serious,

You are who you are. It’s a combination of nature and nurture—and no matter how hard you try, you are not going to achieve a personality transplant. I know. I have been trying my entire conscious life.

Your foray into mindfulness training is an excellent step. Mindfulness is defined by researchers as “self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment,” and “adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance.” *

The practice of curiosity, openness, and acceptance will help you to relax a little bit. However, you are still going to wake up tomorrow and be yourself. So here is another idea.

Clearly, thoroughly, and honestly, share with your people who you are, what you expect from them, and what they can expect from you.

At our company we call this sharing your Leadership Point of View (LPoV). In essence, it is an examination of your leadership values—the values that inform your standards for yourself and others. These often come from your parent role models, but also from the observation of leaders you admire and from your own life experiences.

In your LPoV you tell the very human stories that explain and give context for your leadership standards. This information will help your people to understand you better and to know what your rules are. Almost everybody wants to make their boss happy, so giving them the very clear roadmap of how to do that is usually appreciated.

The act of creating your Leadership Point of View will help you to define, for yourself and others, what you will insist on and where you are willing to let things slide. You already know which battles aren’t worth fighting. Making it explicit for yourself will help you choose when to give feedback and when it just doesn’t matter.

When you present your LPoV, you share these expectations explicitly. Right now, your expectations are probably mostly implicit, and you are hoping your people will read your mind.

Instead, spell it out. For example, as surmised from your message to me, you could share:

• I expect all written communication to be well organized and free of errors.
• I expect all team members to meet deadlines, or, if this is not possible, to re-negotiate deadlines before the actual deadline.

Our coaches and I have worked on LPoV with countless clients and it makes a big difference for them. I use it myself and I share it in writing whenever I onboard a new employee. It will feel very risky to you, but do it.

On the topic of taking things personally, I am reminded of a book by Don Miguel Ruiz titled The Four Agreements. It is essentially a code of conduct based on ancient Toltec wisdom that can help to unwind deep seated self-limiting beliefs. In short, the Four Agreements are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

You are probably already impeccable with your word, and clearly doing your best. However, you are taking too much personally, and you are almost certainly making assumptions.

Mr. Ruiz’s prescription for not taking things personally starts with a reminder that nothing is actually about you. You might share this book with your team and encourage discussion about it. A lot could change if everyone on the team agreed to use the Four Agreements as a guide.

In the meantime, keep up that mindfulness training, and breathe. Next time you are annoyed at someone around you acting like the human being they are, just take a deep breath in and let it out slowly.

Craft and share your LPoV. Let your people in on how hard it is to be you. Be clear about your standards. Be persistent with holding them to your standards but also be curious, generous, and kind. They will come around.

Love, Madeleine

*Bishop, S.R., et al; “Mindfulness: A Proposed Operational Definition”; Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, V11 N3, 2004, pp. 232

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve had my eye on a position that might be opening in my company. It would be a big step for me, but I think this is the job I have always wanted.

My problem is that the minute I start even thinking about applying, I feel overcome with anxiety and literally break into a cold sweat. Then I hear a voice in my head saying, “Who the heck do you think you are?”

How do I get up the nerve to pursue this? I am not even sure I want the job, but how will I ever know if I get so anxious I can’t even think about it? Help!

Riddled with Doubt

Dear Riddled,

It is rare to have so many topics covered in such a short question, so I will take them in turn, in order of priority.

1. You need to get some help with your anxiety before you do anything else. We all deal with some anxiety, but yours is interfering with your life. This is the definition of an emotional or psychological condition that needs to be addressed. Anxiety is tricky. It creeps up on you slowly and backs you into a corner before you even realize what is happening. So I am telling you, point blank, you are in a corner and you need to get some help. There are some excellent tools available to help you tame your anxiety. If those don’t work…well, a professional can help you.
2. You have had your eye on this job, so clearly you can see yourself in it. Do you think you have the skills and competencies required to apply and be taken seriously? More important, do you trust yourself to be able to learn quickly and grow into the job in a reasonable amount of time?

In another part of your email you stated you are a female. As a woman, your social conditioning does leave you at a disadvantage when it comes to putting yourself out there. The statistics are varied, but the one I see most consistently says that men tend to apply for opportunities when they have just 60 percent of the qualifications, while women generally don’t apply unless they are 100 percent qualified. The various reasons for this are outlined in this article that might interest you.

Ultimately, the rules that make someone successful in school don’t really apply to working in large systems. The way to get ahead and continually find challenges for yourself will require you to take risks. You will fail, but you will also succeed. As many have said, if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “no.”

3. I was struck by your use of the language “Who do you think you are?” This is language we hear from people in childhood designed to keep us in our place. It is cruel and demeaning. And here you are, using it on yourself! Cut it out. Honestly. It isn’t as if you are proposing to perform brain surgery with no training. You are simply thinking about maybe trying for a new and different job that may be interesting.

I would ask you to answer that question realistically. Who do you think you are? What are your skills and strengths? What experience do you have? What do you bring to the table that maybe no other applicant has? To get a new perspective on this, you might try taking that Values in Action Strengths Assessment—it’s free and fun. It will help you answer that question more positively than you otherwise might.

This is kind of old news, but I love it so much and it has not lost its power—and you may never have seen it. It is from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love and it was quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inauguration speech:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone—and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Finally, Riddled, get your friends and family on board here. Ask anyone for support that you know loves you and wants the best for you. Get a handle on the anxiety, stop playing small, get support, and go for it. Start with some deep breathing. Breathing never hurts, and always helps.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I work as a training manager in a large organization. Two years ago my boss was let go. Since then, I have been doing both her job and my old job.

I like my current boss (formerly my boss’s boss) but it’s obvious that he is fine with the existing situation. I’m not—and I feel taken advantage of.

My review is coming up and I am wondering how direct I should be. I am an introvert and quite shy and standing up for myself is not my strong suit. On the other hand, I am angry now.

Mad at My Boss

Dear Mad,

Getting two full-time employees for the price of one is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Managers get away with it because employees let them. It’s good that you’re angry. I hope that anger will catapult you into action and get you to stand up for yourself. Use it to drive your planning and fire up your courage.

You should be very direct—but the key is to remain emotionally neutral while being so. It is my experience that the reason most people don’t demand what is fair is that they can’t find a way to express themselves without becoming emotional. So they just don’t express themselves at all.

So how to do it?

Think long and hard about what your requests will be. Put them in order of priority and decide what is negotiable and what isn’t. Then practice, practice, practice. Ask a friend to play your boss and force yourself to do it. It will feel awkward, and you will feel embarrassed at first—but isn’t it better to feel that way in a safe environment than when you are with your boss and the stakes are high?

Practice ways of saying no. Try variations like “That doesn’t work for me; what if we did this instead?” or “Let’s consider another approach.” Get comfortable with a couple of phrases that may not be normal for you. You are asking yourself to perform something way out of your comfort zone, so preparation will be your best friend.

Reflect on your experience with your current boss and brainstorm all possible objections or arguments he might use to talk you out of your requests. Practice your well-thought-through responses.

Think through everything—job responsibilities, how attached you are to the change in title, and, of course, salary. Put it all in writing so you don’t forget anything (easy to do if your nerves get the best of you). Begin by asking for everything you want and be ready to negotiate down to what is essential. Decide in advance what you are willing to give up—and what you will do if you can’t get what is most essential to you.

You should consider being prepared to leave the job if you can’t get your boss to agree to your bare minimum. This means brushing up your resume, polishing your LinkedIn profile, and even putting out feelers if you haven’t already. Having a Plan B will make you feel stronger in your negotiations.

You may find a lot of excellent support in Amy Cuddy’s book, Presence: How to Bring Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. Amy Cuddy is a social scientist who has overcome her own natural shyness, so she strikes me as extraordinarily credible. I am a big fan of her research on “power posing” and have used it myself before doing things that scare me. If you don’t have time to get her book, you can at least watch her TED talk.

When the time comes for the conversation, take especially good care of yourself. Make sure you have enough time and you won’t be interrupted. Remember to breathe. If you feel dizzy from nerves or can’t remember what you wanted to say, feel the soles of your feet on the floor and take a deep breath. Everything you need to remember will come in on your breath and you will be fine.

Most of us spend all of our time preparing for what we want to say and no time at all preparing for the end of the conversation. Your manager will benefit from this and will probably try to get you to agree to things in the meeting, but don’t fall for it! Do not, not, NOT capitulate to anything in the conversation. Instead, take everything he proposes—take notes if you need to—and tell him you will think about it. This will give you the time you need to think things through with your wits about you.

This may all feel like overkill, and it may be. But I guarantee all of this thoughtfulness and preparation will give you gravitas and make you brave—which will make it much harder for your boss to turn you down.

Fortune favors the brave…and the prepared.

Be fierce.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I’ve noticed a trend when doing these debriefs. A client’s self rating is often noticeably lower in several areas than ratings from other people such as their direct reports or their boss. Most clients aren’t surprised at this; in fact, many laugh and chalk it up to their being a perfectionist. They often say they know they set a high bar for themselves and put lots of pressure on themselves—but they seem to accept this as the way they are wired. But is it?

Most people agree that striving to continually grow and develop and to achieve one’s goals is a desirable trait. Perfectionism, on the other hand, can be a different story. A perfectionist is often defined as someone who strives for flawlessness.

Many of my clients who label themselves perfectionists push themselves harder than anyone asks them to. They tend to work more than they need to. They fear making a mistake because they are afraid others will see their imperfection. These behaviors and beliefs can make them inauthentic in their interactions with others because they don’t like to reveal what I call their “soft underbelly.”

Full disclosure here: I have perfectionist tendencies. But seeing this characteristic often in my clients has caused me to look at my own perfectionism and make efforts to throttle back these inclinations.

I like what Dr. David Burns, author of the highly regarded book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, said about perfectionism:

“Perfection is man’s ultimate illusion. It simply doesn’t exist in the universe. There is no perfection. It’s really the world’s greatest con game; it promises riches and delivers misery. The harder you strive for perfection, the worse your disappointment will become because it’s only an abstraction, a concept that doesn’t fit reality. Everything can be improved if you look at it closely and critically enough—every person, every idea, every work of art, every experience, everything.”

Most perfectionists have been that way all their lives and often have underlying beliefs that drive their perfectionism. That said, greater self awareness and a commitment to lighten up on oneself can be a start. Thanks to the internet, there is much information at our fingertips regarding the pros and cons of perfectionism as well as techniques for lessening its negative effects. Here are a few:

• Realize that we are often our own worst critic. Most people are not rating and judging us to the degree we are rating and judging ourselves. Interesting fact: people often feel uncomfortable around perfectionists.
• Don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides. Most people tend to put their best “Facebook” image out there—one that is different from how they actually feel inside. So don’t compare yourself to others.
• Try to keep in mind what author Brené Brown says: “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it’s a shield.”

I often ask my perfectionistic clients if they could “dare to be average.” They usually groan—because to them, average is tantamount to failure. Some, however, do work to unclench their jaw and not operate at full throttle all the time. So far, none of them has died, and several have reported feeling more at ease then they have in a long time.

Might you benefit from examining whether perfectionism is having a negative influence on your life? Please let me know what you discover!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a few years in, working on Wall Street.  I am a financial analyst and am pretty good at my job.

At my recent performance review my boss told me that I need to “build my brand.”  

What the heck? I tried to get some detail out of him but didn’t get much. He said to get ahead here, I need to find ways to stand out and get noticed. I was figuring if I aced my advanced finance exams and did great work, the rest would take care of itself.

Can you shed some light on this?

In the Dark

Dear In the Dark,

The first thing I can tell you is that nothing ever takes care of itself. There is no fairness, no justice, and no reward for working hard. Doing great work is the ante that keeps you in a job and gets you one thing: more work. It doesn’t get you noticed or promoted—especially in the shark tank that is Wall Street.

You’re going to want to be clear about your career goals, develop relationships with anyone who can help you achieve them, and be memorable to anyone who matters. If you’re committed enough to your own success to study for and ace those fiendish exams, then you might be able to devote a little brain space and energy toward thinking about your brand.

I first heard about the concept of personal branding from Tom Peters back in the 90s. What I thought at the time would be a fad has really stuck. Essentially, it means thinking of yourself as a product that you need to keep top of mind with potential consumers.

This means you have to apply fundamental marketing theory to yourself. What are the features and benefits of you? Who might be interested in them? How do you differentiate yourself from other people like you? What real or perceived value do you bring to anyone who might work with you?

I can see your face right now, all scrunched up with distaste. I get it. I do. But you are an analytical thinker and obviously smart enough, so you can do this.

The key is to start with what is true. Those who try to build a brand based on lies can’t keep it up long term. Think about:

• Who are you? I worked with one client who called himself a Hoosier—which essentially means being from the state of Indiana, but also stands for being straightforward and honest. Early in his career he hid it because he thought it made him seem unsophisticated, but eventually he built a very successful persona based on this and it always felt authentic because it was.
• What is important to you? These are your values—what matters to you. You can develop a reputation for being a stickler for accuracy, being a data junkie, or being able to synthesize numbers into a narrative that is interesting to non-numbers types. Maybe you’re a super sharp dresser? Always into the latest hair styles? Keep it up, be consistent, and make it a signature.
• What makes you unique? What odd combination of skills do you have that nobody else has?
• What are your signature strengths? (If you don’t know, you can take a free assessment here).
• What do people get from hanging out with you? If you really have no idea, ask your friends. They will tell you if you’re funny, or if you always ask the odd question that nobody else thinks of, or if you’re the person who knows every microbrewery in the tri-state area.

From the list of what is important to you, you can build standards for your own behavior and appearance that will always be consistent. You can make choices to reveal certain aspects of yourself, when, and to whom. This is what makes you special and memorable to people and this is what your boss is trying to tell you. Just doing good work and keeping your head down is not going to get you anywhere.

There is a whole social media aspect to this as well—you can use your self-discoveries to curate a compelling representation of yourself on social media. I personally would rather have dental work, and I suspect you feel the same way. But you are at the beginning of your career, so I don’t know that you will be able to avoid it. I found a recent article that may help you with more specifics on this. I like the way the author focuses on how you add value.

Finally, part of your brand is going to be defined by who you know and hang out with. Find people you like, are interested in, and can learn from based on what how you answer the questions above. Join committees at work that are focused on things that are important to you. Environmental issues? Saving Australian Shepherds? Whatever it is, find your tribe and hang out with them.

Identify the folks who have the job you want to be doing within the next three years and ask one of them to be your mentor. The first one may turn you down, but keep trying. You’re probably thinking “Oh no, I’m an introvert, I can’t do that!” Yes, you can—and if your career is important to you, you will. You can be as shy and introverted as you want in your personal life, but you’re going to have to move out of your comfort zone at work.

I know this is a lot of extra stuff to think about, so take it step by step. Slow and steady wins the race. Apply that work ethic and that considerable intelligence to this problem, and you will be just fine.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a new manager. I have twelve folks reporting to me and it is going perfectly, except for one person (I will call him “A”). There seems to be a fundamental disconnect between how he sees his own performance (superior) and how others see his performance (subpar).  I am continually confused by this disparity because it is so obvious to everyone but A. 

For example, we just had a performance review cycle where A’s peers identified that he submits work for group projects that is not well thought through, is loaded with errors, and, in some cases, is not even the piece he was supposed to be working on. A’s own self-assessment was that he is way ahead of everyone else and that he should get both a bonus and a promotion! 

I don’t so much want advice on what to do; my company has provided good training and I know how to have the right conversations with A.  I just don’t understand how a person can be so oblivious to their own faults and deluded about their own capabilities.  How does this happen? 

Need an Explanation

Dear Need an Explanation,

Oh, if only I could explain this!  This is one of those questions that has stumped countless philosophers through the ages. This personality quirk has been a great source of entertainment, not the least of which is exemplified in the character of Michael Scott in the TV show “The Office.” I agree it is confounding—and it also makes me constantly worried that others might think this about me!  Self-awareness is just so tricky.

What we are talking about here is known in my business as Emotional Intelligence, which comprises awareness of self, awareness of others, and the ability to modulate or regulate oneself to be successful with others.  The research shows that high emotional intelligence is a success indicator—and that the kind of obliviousness A demonstrates will eventually curtail his ambitions.

In our book Leverage Your Best—Ditch the Rest, Scott Blanchard and I offer the Three Perspectives, which are:

• How do see myself?
• How do others see me?
• How do I need to be seen to be successful in this situation?

Once a person has a sense of how to answer those questions, they can figure out what to do about them.  In the meantime, I cannot explain how someone can be as oblivious as A seems to be.  We can speculate—and goodness knows I do, all the time.  Maybe it is all an act and A is worried sick about measuring up, so he is overcompensating.  Maybe he had parents who raised him to believe he could do no wrong.  Who knows?  Ultimately, it doesn’t matter.  I think the better question may be this: how can you help A?  You may simply want to present the disconnect and ask him what he thinks about it.  He may have something interesting to say.

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In his book The Inner Game of Tennis, author W. Timothy Gallwey states “Quieting the mind means less thinking, calculating, judging, worrying, fearing, hoping, trying, regretting, controlling, jittering, or distracting.” This familiar spinning, spinning, spinning of thoughts is the opposite of mindfulness. In fact, to quote Phil Jackson, former coach of the Chicago Bulls, you might call it jabbering.

As I’ve started to pay more attention to my thinking, I’ve found that I definitely engage in mental jabbering. Most of my jabber involves things that either happened in the past or may happen in the future. I must admit that when my mind jabbers I’m not paying attention to my experience from moment to moment.

As a coach, I’ve begun to notice that my clients also engage in lots of jabber. When I sense this is happening, I ask them questions to bring them into the present moment—which in reality is the only one they have.

So what’s the big deal about us calculating, planning, or reminiscing much of the time? When we jabber, we are missing many of the moments we have to live. We are on automatic pilot and not fully aware of what we are doing or experiencing. We eat without really tasting, look without really seeing, listen without really hearing, and touch without really feeling. In other words, we miss out on the texture of our life experience.

To stop jabbering means to quiet the mind and strive to be in the here and now. It means to gently bring yourself—or possibly a coaching client—back to the present moment. Of course, that’s easier said than done. So here’s some incentive.

When we quiet our mind, we are better able to:

• Fully experience the actual moment in front of us

• Maintain focus

• Manage our reactions/responses

• Reduce stress and anxiety

The list of the benefits of mindfulness could go on and on.

I’d like to encourage you to spend some time noticing where your thoughts are. Their location may just surprise you!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

How do you decide when to take on a new task or a new job? Could we thrive with a little bit more intentional thought? According to best-selling business author Dan Pink, there is a large and growing amount of research that gives clear guidance on how to get systematically better and smarter about making decisions on when to do things.

“We all experience Peak moments, Trough moments, and Recovery moments.  The key is to schedule the right type of work for each of these times. Our cognitive abilities change throughout the day. Do your analytic work during the Peak, administrative work during the Trough, and creative work during Recovery.”

Simply following this pattern can result in a 20 percent improvement in how people perform a job, says Pink.

Peak times should be used for analytic tasks and those that require head-down, focused attention and energy—for example, writing a report or analyzing data.  Save Trough time—which usually occurs later in the day—for routine administrative work.

“That’s when we should answer routine emails, fill out expense reports, or do the kinds of things that don’t require a heavy cognitive load,” says Pink.

Recovery time is best suited for certain types of insight work or brainstorming.

“Our mood is higher, but at the same time we tend to be less vigilant.”

Pink also shares insight on research that highlights the importance of taking breaks throughout the day. He offers a couple of best practice guidelines.

1. Something beats nothing. “Even a one- or two-minute break can restore energy and mental acuity.”
2. Moving is better than stationary. “Get up and move around—don’t sit at your desk and look at your phone.”
3. Social beats solo. “Breaks with other people are more replenishing than breaks on our own—even for introverts.”
4. Outside beats inside. “Nature has incredible replenishing benefits on our mental acuity and on our well-being.”
5. Fully detached beats semi-detached. “When you take a break, leave your phone at your desk.”

Finally, Pink shares timing recommendations for starting new projects and keeping teams performing at their best, and also discusses how to be intentional when setting up the beginning, midpoint, and ending of projects.

Be sure to listen through to the very end of the session, where Ken Blanchard shares his key takeaways from the interview!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a team lead (the youngest, thank you very much) in a fast and fun Silicon Valley startup.

Everything was fine until I was made a lead. The problem: I am just too smart. I know that sounds terrible, but it is true. I actually have an IQ of about 170, and people around me can’t keep up.

I have received feedback that I tend to push my ideas on others—and it’s true, because mine are the best ones. But I can never get anyone else to see my point of view. I am super creative and a fast thinker and I generate ideas quickly. I know I need to inspire others to join me in my vision and I also learn to respect others’ ideas more and create an environment of collaboration.

On team projects in school, I just did everybody else’s work because I couldn’t stand how slow and mediocre people were, but that isn’t going to work here. I am aware that I sound like a big jerk, but I honestly don’t know what to do about it.

Too Smart for My Own Good

Dear Too Smart,

Well, you have come to the right place. My first coaching company was devoted to creative geniuses, so I worked with a lot of people like you. I can feel your pain—not because I am like you, but because I have coached so many who are. I have a couple of ideas that may help you understand your situation and also some behaviors to try on that may help you be more effective, long term. No one wants to work for a big jerk, but everyone wants to work for someone brilliant. The good news about being such a smarty is that you can leverage your considerable intelligence to expand your repertoire of behaviors.

First, you need to understand temperament theory. Temperament theory will help you understand how you are different from others, why it matters, and what you can do about it. Your high intelligence is only part of the problem. In fact, once you understand how you need to modulate your own behavior, it will become a strength to leverage. Here are two different sources for you to go to. Each author uses different language to express the four temperaments.

David Keirsey’s site (he wrote a book called Please Understand Me):

https://www.keirsey.com/sorter/register.aspx

Linda Berens’s site:

http://lindaberens.com/resources/methodology-articles/temperament-theory/

You may very well be surrounded by people who are as smart as you but who are driven by different needs and who communicate differently than you do. I would bet money on your being a Rational temperament (Keirsey’s language). The core needs for a Rational are self-control, mastery, and competence. I created this list for a class on temperament:

You might be a Rational if you:

1. 1. Follow only the rules that make sense
   2. Often feel surrounded by idiots
   3. Have been accused of being cold
   4. Compete mostly with yourself
   5. Have a hard time when people don’t get it
   6. Were on the debate team
   7. Have a regular chess game
   8. Regularly wonder how something isn’t obvious to all
   9. Often think of work as play, when in the right job
   10. Tend to focus on the future

Sound familiar? People with Rational temperament are often seen by others as cold, condescending, unemotional, calculating, elitist, patronizing, and unrealistic.

Once you have a sense of your own temperament, you will understand the needs you are getting met with your ineffective behavior and how you are seen by others. Then you can understand other people’s temperament and how you may have to change your communication style so that they can relate to what you are saying. This will be a lot of work for you, but I guarantee it will change the way you approach everything and everyone—and you will be really happy you did it.

Second, stop being a jerk. You can do it. Exercise more, meditate, breathe, count to infinity, or do whatever you need to do to be more patient. You must understand that it is the job of the leader to adapt to the people they are leading. So, it is your job to meet people where they are, listen to their ideas, and generally evoke the best from them. This is a tall order and it requires a lot of self-regulation. You are young and this requires maturity, but it will keep you from becoming a monster. I recommend that you simply start with asking instead of telling. Listening to your people and repeat back what you hear. Listen more than you talk, stop interrupting people, and, for the love of Pete, stop rolling your eyes. How do I know you are rolling your eyes? I just know—and so does everyone else who has ever worked for someone like you.

There is hope for you. Go forth and use those smarts to expand the ways you are intelligent. There will be no stopping you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!