Dear Madeleine,

I have always been good at dealing with stress in my personal life—difficult pregnancies, a special-needs child, and parents requiring help. But now I am going through a challenging divorce. My kids are all struggling with it in different ways and it is taking its toll. I’ve recently realized this situation is exceeding my abilities to cope.

I recently had to untangle a big mess because one of my direct reports “didn’t want to bother me” because I have so much on my plate right now. I realized I have been ignoring requests, snapping at people, and avoiding complex tasks that are critical to projects moving forward. I am watching myself from the ceiling, wondering “Who are you? You know better. Where is your composure, woman?”

Everywhere I turn to for advice tells me I need to take care of myself, exercise, meditate, and so on. None of it is helpful. I am hoping you have another angle on this.

Train Wreck

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Train Wreck,

You should exercise and meditate. Haha, just kidding. I mean, I am—but it is true that taking care of yourself has never been more important. So don’t ignore that advice. Find one thing you can do that helps you feel centered and grounded—just one thing that makes sense and doesn’t require a ton of time or a new skill set.

My heart hurts for you. You are going through one of most destabilizing transitions known to humans. When I was going through a divorce, I spent a full hour driving in the wrong direction on the New Jersey Turnpike with three ten-year-old boys in the car. My sister called me to tell me she saw me take the wrong ramp and I said, “You’re crazy, I know where I’m going.” That, it turned out, was not the case. That is only one of the crazy things I did. This is a whole unprecedented level of stress you are dealing with, and it is serious business. It literally keeps you from thinking straight. So I have two words for you:

GET HELP.

Find a therapist or counselor to whom you can vent weekly. Your company probably has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)—many offer six sessions with a therapist. That may be all you need.

Or

Call your best friend every day, set a timer for seven minutes, and complain bitterly about everything bugging you. Ask her to not argue or give advice, just listen. I grant that few of us have such a perfect friend, but you may. If you do, make an agreement with a time limit—say a month. It isn’t forever, and you will do the same for her when she needs it.

Or

Find an online support group.

The bottom line is this: There is no reason for you to try to get through this alone. If there was ever a time to call in the cavalry, it is now.

There is one other thing to try that you probably won’t hear from anyone else, and it has brought me, and many of my clients, through rocky patches. It is a technique from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron called “Morning Pages.” This is how she describes it:

“Morning Pages are three pages of longhand, stream-of-consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning. There is no wrong way to do Morning Pages—they are not high art. They are not even “writing.” They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind—and they are for your eyes only. Morning Pages provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize, and
synchronize the day at hand. Do not overthink Morning Pages: just put three pages of anything on the page…and then do three more pages tomorrow.”

You can listen to Julia on this topic here.

The beauty of Morning Pages is that it takes about nine minutes, tops, and it makes an appreciable difference to one’s state of mind. It costs nothing, takes almost no time, and doesn’t require scheduling for yourself or anyone else. I have found that people who use this technique go back to it in troubled times again and again. For some people, it just works to clear the decks and get us back to our center. It is worth a try.

In terms of your work, it is lovely that your team members are sensitive to your situation. Just make sure they know what to come to you with, and what they are free to use their own judgment about. If nothing else, this period will allow some of them to rise to their own brilliance. So you have that going for you. Talking to them about what you are going through (at a high level), explaining how they should operate during this difficult time, and showing appreciation for their concern is all that’s needed.

You are used to being a high performer and for the first time in your life, you are falling short of your own expectations. That is adding to your pain and confusion. It is also okay. Other people are clearly willing to cut you some slack, and you can too. You’re judging yourself for struggling, and it isn’t helping anyone. Try to give yourself some grace. It is not permanent. It is a moment in time.

Which leads me to my final point: this will end. I promise. Not tomorrow, not next week, but at some point, you will be on the other side of this, and you will be wiser and more compassionate with others because of it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

• I thought I needed to have all of the answers
• I thought I needed to be authoritative and hard otherwise people wouldn’t respect me
• I followed all of the rules & guidelines the company set to the T, 100% of the time
• I never really listened or was open to be persuaded
• I shied away from conflict, until it blew up in my face
• The company set the goals which were very day-to-day focused, e.g., call handling times, etc. I never as a manager set any long term goals for my team or development goals, I simply followed the script, mainly because I didn’t know any different.
• We didn’t celebrate achievements enough.

Knowing what I know now, there are lots of things I would have done differently in my first time manager role. I won’t write them all, because I could be here for days but I’ve noted just a few a below.

• Breathe – You don’t have to answer everybody’s questions straight away. Take five minutes to reflect and stay calm even when stressed.
• Listen – Not just for the sake of letting others talk, but really listen to what people are saying. Be open to being persuaded.
• I wouldn’t have pretended to be something I wasn’t. I am not hard faced and authoritative, quite the opposite. People see through masks, I would have told my truth about who I am, and what I expect from the team.
• I would have set clear expectations and goals for my team, to help them grow and develop. Worked hard to create growth opportunities for my team.
• I would have told myself – Don’t take things so personally! I know that’s easier said than done but I used to beat myself up about not being everything to everyone. Remember you are only human.
• When things weren’t going to plan with the team or team member, I would’ve dealt with the situation there and then and thought about my words very carefully. Asked them about what went wrong, ensure no judgement or blame.
• Asked for help. Quite often in life, we are ashamed to ask for help. I don’t know why, because everyone in life at some point needs direction and or support.

My experience of being a first time manager, and feeling completely overwhelmed happens all of the time. People are promoted because they are good at what they do, many forget that a manager’s role requires a completely different skill set to that of an individual contributor.
What would you have done differently in your first time manager role?  Or if you haven’t been a manager yet, but looking to become one, what is your greatest concern about being a first time manager?
Sarah-Jane Kenny – EMEA Channel Solutions Consultant at the Ken Blanchard Companies

• Create a culture where people don’t feel uncomfortable about asking for flexibility or taking time off for their children.
• Managers need to have open/honest conversations about supporting new parents.
• Focus on results/productivity rather than the time spent. Just because some people work extra hours, it doesn’t mean they are more productive.
• Make it easier for fathers to have time off to support their children too.
• Be flexible – This is give and take from both sides. For example if you have a 35 hour week, make those hours count for work and for home life. We work in a global world with multiple different time zones, it would benefit the company and home life to flex the working hours throughout the day/night.
• Allow working from home days.
• Flexible benefits – Childcare help.
• Social events during breakfast meetings or work lunches rather than evening events.

With a supporting partner, and a company who are willing to look at the work you do rather than when you do the hours I think women can have it all.  It would be great to hear of your experiences in the workplace, having a baby is daunting enough without the worry of your career.

So what’s going on? Well, leaders can sometimes be unaware of what they should and should not be doing. And this lack of awareness separates good leaders from great leaders. Great leaders know that leading is a never-ending journey that can be filled with treacherous obstacles.

So what do you need to know to become a great leader?
 

1. People are unpredictable

Your direct report may not necessarily react the same way each and every time to you. And you yourself may also change from day to day. So always using the same style of leadership may not always yield the best results. Instead, great leaders tailor their approach to each task, situation, and individual to effectively meet the direct report’s needs. So find out how your direct report is doing and what’s going on in his/her life, and then use that knowledge to better inform how you lead him/her.

2. It takes skill

It’s easy to fall into a routine. That’s why we have habits. But as people are unpredictable, you must also be flexible in your style of leadership to be able to match in each unique situation. The best way to do this is to have a learning-oriented mindset, by being on the lookout for new approaches, practicing other styles of leadership to be more flexible, and keeping up-to-date on what’s going on with your direct reports, your organization, and beyond. A great leader will always say, “I have so much left to learn in being a leader!”
 

3. It takes time

Don’t be discouraged if you aren’t able to immediately improve your effectiveness as a leader. Remember, it’s a life-long journey. As with anything, leadership takes time and patience to perfect. And this means you should constantly be trying to improve and grow as an individual. There’s no finish line, but instead a continuous evolution of who you are as a leader, being able to serve your direct reports more and more effectively with each passing day.
 
Image Credit: 1 | 2 | 3

Looking past the viral-oriented nature of this video, the main concept presented is critical for leadership. Thoughts, when attached to emotions other than sadness, generally have higher “infection” rates.

Thus, it is important to generate more emotion (hopefully positive and not anger-inducing) around messages that you want your direct reports to remember or share. It seems idea is lost at times in the data-driven world of today, where it’s more important to get across the numbers and metrics than it is to tell a story.
So communicate with feeling and generate positive emotions in your direct reports. Make the topic relevant to them. They will be more receptive to your messages and will remember them better. Let’s infect the world with the good germs to promote healthy thoughts.

Just don’t anger them… or you may end up on the wrong side of a thought germ!

Click the image below for a simple demonstration of flow (use the mouse to move and remember to return when you’re finished):

The creator of this simple game used Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of flow to develop the game elements. Since you can decide when to move further, you are always in control of both the level of challenge and skill, meaning you can always keep yourself in a state of flow.

Now think about your direct reports and their tasks. Are they in a state of flow? If not, is it due to the task being too difficult, or the direct reports not having high enough skills? Or perhaps the challenge isn’t increasing proportionately with their skills? And think about your own tasks. Are you in a state of flow? Why or why not? What can you do to improve your workplace and encourage more flow?

It’s clear that employees can become more engaged and productive, while constantly developing and growing, by applying this simple model to the workplace. So the next time you’re at work, try adjusting the level of challenge to match the level of skill. You might be surprised to find how much fun you can have while in flow!

Image Credit: 1

1. Start with the open door policy: Hopefully, you’ve heard of this term. If not, the basic idea is that your door is always “open”. If someone you lead has an issue they need to discuss, they can come by your office, email you, call you, etc… at just about any time of the working day. Having this policy can remove a major hurdle and allow the people you lead to get past problems faster than having to waiting until you’re available.
2. Draw a boundary with your open door policy: While it’s great for your people to be able to discuss issues or get direction at any time, it may not always be feasible for you to maintain this policy at all hours of the day. If you have approaching deadlines or your own workload is starting to pile up, block out some time on your schedule. Set a ground rule with the people you lead that you can’t be disturbed during this time unless it’s absolutely critical. Be sure to follow up with step 3 below after establishing your boundary.
3. Find your second-in-command: You’ve established your boundary, but now what? Your people need a backup plan for time-sensitive issues. After all, customers will only wait for so long before an issue gets out of hand. If you work in an organization with a large workforce, perhaps there’s another manager in the same department as you who can be your backup (also allowing you to reciprocate the favor).
   If you work in a smaller organization and there’s not an immediate manager who can cover for you, perhaps there’s someone you lead who is an expert in their role who can be groomed to take on this responsibility. Not only will it allow you to keep your boundary, but it allows you to tackle another management responsibility of developing your people.

Finding the right balance between being available and completing your own work will always be a juggling act, and you may find yourself needing to adjust and readjust your boundaries depending on the needs of your work and the needs of your people.
Leave your comments!

From what I’ve experienced, being around a group enhances the effects of the smile test. Why? Because happiness is contagious. And by smiling, you encourage better moods in the people around you, which can even circle back around and improve your own mood further.

So share your smile and laughter with those around you as much as you can every day. You’ll be regarded as a more positive leader, someone who uplifts and inspires anyone and everyone. You may even find, as Brent did in his experiment, that your day becomes a lot brighter!

Smiling Girl

Change is difficult

So why will this year be different? Because I will share a secret that will help you to actually achieve your resolutions: Make your resolutions easy.
Now this does not mean that you reduce your weight loss goal to -5lbs or that you discard your quest to read 50 books this year and instead read 2 lines of a blog post. What I mean is, do all of the prework first so that the goal becomes easy to attain. This is especially useful for when you have difficulty starting.

It’s easy if you try

For instance, I had an issue with running. I would sit there figuring out what to wear and then spend another 10 minutes scrolling through my playlists and choosing the songs for my run. Then I would look through my fridge for a pre-run snack and spot the delicious leftover burger from the restaurant the night before. The next logical thing to do was to gobble down that burger on the couch!
Instead, I prepare all of this in advance. I prepare my clothing, my playlist, and my snack before I go to bed. The next morning, all of my running gear is ready to go. The preparation comes easy since I know that I won’t have to run right after I’m done.
The author of the post below, Gus Jaramillo, actually changes into his workout clothes when he is off of work. That way, he is ready for the gym before he even gets into his car. The only logical destination becomes the gym.

Start today

1. Don’t doubt yourself. Doubt can be quite the speech-killer, so believe that you can overcome and succeed. The brain can make surprising connections under high pressure situations. Or, in my fellow instructor’s case, make no connections… and then, you just might put yourself and/or someone else in an awkward situation.
2. Take everything as a learning experience. This mindset can help you get more from your best moments, as well as really understanding your worst ones.
3. Just go with it. Never think that something is ruined if it doesn’t pan out the way you thought. Be creative. Sometimes, things can turn out better than how you’ve planned.

You never know when a moment of unexpected leadership will strike next, but these tips can help you turn things around and make the outcomes a bit more… expected.

So, of course, they decided to sleep in and didn’t do any physical training for the day.
And of course my team was upset that they didn’t get to sleep in and come to work at 9:30. The last thing I wanted to create was resentment across the two teams. I thought that maybe a “team building” exercise was in order, but I didn’t carry it out because I felt I would probably screw that up too.  I was upset about the whole situation, but mainly I was irritated at myself.
After looking back on the incident, here’s what I learned:

• I never really gave him full autonomy

Here’s what I really said: You can have full autonomy unless you do something I don’t want you to do or something that I disagree with you on. What I told him he could do and what I wanted him to do were two separate things.

• I shouldn’t have given him full autonomy

Giving full autonomy over everything is not really leadership at all. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving him autonomy, but what I should have done in that situation was to give him more direction as to what is expected and necessary. Autonomy has its place and limitations; using it correctly is when it’s the most impactful.

• My communication was not aligned with my expectations

I was never clear on my expectations. What was standard and status quo for me was not necessarily the same for him. Talking through each other’s expectations would have been helpful for minimizing conflict and building trust.
For any further information or questions contact me at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

 “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” —William Shakespeare

When recently opening a package of Green Tea, the quote, “It’s not a privilege to know others. Know yourself. That’s a privilege,” was attached to the string. Perhaps the tea manufacture was having a caffeinated paraphrasing of a Lao Tzu philosophy to push the notion that you’ll some how be more enlightened when you drink this potion.

Self Reflection?

Ok, so we like to watch a little TV and play video games, so what’s the big deal? We live life on the edge (of reality) and love to surf (the web) and socialize (on Facebook) all day. We are the doers. We seek not war, but peace. We love reality television and hang on every word they say (even the illiterate ones). We are not better than any of you, but we are special. Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube are just extensions of our inner self. We love rap music, iPhones, and Dancing with the Stars (my wife made me put that in here). We are not all about ourselves; everyone is just all about us.
This is our motto.
Tom Brokaw accurately named the World War II generation as the Greatest Generation. After reading the book, watching the Band of Brothers series, and hearing the stories from WWII vets themselves, I can’t deny this. These men and women were some of the purist of Americans—hard-working, dedicated, and loyal to their values. I remember visiting Normandy about 10 years ago and seeing the crosses of the buried soldiers neatly displayed—such a beautiful display of sadness and pain. In my own experience as a captain in the Army and a combat veteran serving in Afghanistan, I hardly saw any sense of entitlement among the troops. There were men and women who were generally unhappy to be there (I admit even sometimes I wondered why we were there),  and hated everything about the war, but they still wanted to fight. There was a sense of pride about them and they fought long and hard. While in Afghanistan, I had a West Point Captain tell me about his 18-month deployment. He said the length of the deployment really hit him hard at the first Thanksgiving dinner. They were just about to start eating when one of his soldiers said, “Hey sir, don’t worry about saying grace. I’ll do it this year and you can say grace next year.”
I don’t claim we are the Greatest Generation but I do think Gen Y has contributed significantly more than just TV and video games. We are a young generation, but like many others we adapt, overcome, and move on. I never liked the label, “entitlement generation” because frankly I don’t think we deserve it. I hope this generation can rid ourselves of this brand and demonstrate the core American qualities that have been delivered to us from previous generations.
For any further information or questions contact me at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

As a leader, how do you judge which learning modality will lead to the most effective, quality learning experience? How do you appeal to learners on your teams at differing levels of technological savviness without discouraging their development? Or, worse, avoid humiliating anyone who is not as technologically savvy while simultaneously avoid disengaging your digital learners? Preventing yet more training materials being set up on a shelf never to be used again is key!

Steps you can take to lead your team to effectively use technology to learn include:

1. Understanding how your team learns – Become intimately familiar with how your team learns. Do you offer a learning product on a flash drive only to find you run out before you can order more or are you scheduling face-to-face classes on their behalf with little resistance? Are your most productive employees viewing recording links from live stream workshops because they want to learn in their own time in the comfort of their office? How your employees learn will help you intuit in what form content should be delivered to increase learning. Don’t discount your own observations regarding what your employees seem to gravitate toward.
2. Determine their favored modalities – Fit how the content is offered to the learner by offering it in various forms such as audio, video, face-to-face, and asynchronous. Have a workshop that you know learners on your team will love but know it’s in a format they won’t be interested in learning from? Encourage your employees to determine if they would be interested in learning the same content in a different modality. If the content is off the shelf, inquire as to whether it is offered as mp3, asynchronous, and face-to-face format. Purchase and offer multiple forms and see which format your team seems to prefer. Learn from your purchases and take note of what your employees want more of and most often request.
3. Then…limit options – mp3 audio books, asynchronous learning groups, virtual book clubs , CDs, DVDs, hard-copy libraries, face-to-face workshops…the list goes on as to how employees learn and you could potentially intimidate and confuse learners by creating modality overload. Most important after determining how your team learns is to introduce new technology and options slowly by choosing their favored modality. Then, let them get comfortable with change by limiting the options offered to those two or three favorite modalities the team gravitates toward. Don’t get caught up with the new, shinny technology if you know your employees will most likely not be interested in learning in that particular format. Perhaps you have determined your team enjoys reading hard-copy books, listening to CDs, and asynchronous learning. Invest in these three modalities by allowing your employees to show you this is how they most feel comfortable learning. If the content is then offered as a webinar with live chat, don’t spring it on the team. Wait to allow them to lead you in their own learning.
Understanding how your employees learn will help increase the benefits derived from learning in modalities that best fit the learner and resultantly most benefit the organization.
***

Cheryl DePonte is a Human Resources Learning and Performance Specialist at The Ken Blanchard Companies and has over 15 years experience in the fields of organizational effectiveness and human resources development.

• We live in a society of constant change.  Technology is a great example because it rapidly changes and affects our daily lives.  We find ourselves interacting with one-another in new ways and using new tools.
• Businesses have to constantly adapt and evolve in order to beat the competition.  That means that the employees are the ones that are actually adapting, and more specifically, learning and doing something new continuously.
• We are all human.  We have emotions that affect us inside the workplace and at home.  Personal issues with friends, family, pets, bills, or even issues in the workplace, all take a toll.

The second bullet above is one of the biggest reasons for performance challenges.  Give your people something new to do that they’ve never done before and you’re likely to see a few cases of hitting the wall.  
If my leader came to me and said “You know, Matt, you’re an expert in what you do.  I have something new for you to take on.  The company has decided that we’re going to build a robot and have you take charge of programming it to do our bidding.”  I know nothing about robotics!  I can guarantee that I’d hit the performance wall, especially without the proper training and support.
Ok, that example might be a little out there.  However, think about anytime your company or IT department decided to do an upgrade or even change a key piece of critical software that your employees use.  Is your company moving to Microsoft Windows 8, soon?  Windows 8 doesn’t have the “Start” menu anymore (at least not without a workaround).  Think about your longtime Windows users, all familiar with that key Start menu, no longer having access to it.  How badly do you think their performance will suffer as they struggle through learning to navigate Windows all over again?  
To help your people through performance issues, you need to start by asking the right questions.  Just as a doctor diagnoses a sick patient, you need to diagnose your employees by thinking of the following questions:
 1. What is the specific goal or task? – This should always be the first question that comes to mind.  It doesn’t matter that an individual may be an expert in their field.  If they’re doing/learning something for the first time, that “expert” is really a novice.
2. Has this person demonstrated task knowledge and skills? – Based on the goal/task, has this individual shown (not just told you) that they have the skills to complete the goal/task?
3. Does this individual have transferable skills, and if so, how strong are those skills? – Let’s go back to my example of switching to Windows 8.  Your employees have used some version of Windows, previously, so they do have some transferable skills.  Those employees are better off than someone who has only been a Mac user, or better yet, someone who has never used a computer, previously. 
4. Is this person motivated, interested, and/or enthusiastic about the goal or task? – Does this individual actually want to learn how to do the goal/task?  Let me add that even if they don’t want to learn how to do this goal or task (example: they don’t have the capacity to take on something new; completing the task is monotonous; they just aren’t interested; etc…) there is a difference between “can’t” and “won’t”.
5. Is this person confident or self-assured in completing the goal or task? – Are the confident they can get the job done, or are they having a problem learning how to do the task and feel like they’re stuck?  This one can be tricky, because if it’s something I want to learn, I might have a false sense of confidence in the beginning where I say “Sure, I can learn this!  No problem!” – not realizing how difficult learning the task may be.
Finding out the answers to these questions allows you, as a leader, to write the prescription.  The prescription needs to be a proper mixture of direction and support.  Just as the same as a medical prescription, if you don’t apply the correct mix of direction and support, your patient (your employee) may experience adverse reactions. 
Think about a time in your life where you weren’t given the correct prescription, such as being given too much direction from your leader.  You probably thought of it as being “micromanaged”.  How did that make you feel?  Did you feel more or less motivated by it?  How did it make you feel about your leader?
These key diagnosis questions are based on the Situational Leadership^® II model.  There’s a lot more to this model than just performance challenges, so if you’re not familiar with the Situational Leadership® II concepts, be sure to click on the link to get a better sense of the positive impact that Situational Leadership^® II can create.
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