Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in the finance department of a national restaurant/foodservice company. I have always liked my job, brought a lot of creative problem-solving to my team, and enjoyed hosting events to create bonds among people in my organization.

My last kid just graduated from high school and left for a six-week trip abroad. My two kids in college have summer jobs away from home. I thought I couldn’t wait to finally have the kids all leave the house so I could have more time to myself and more time to work—but now that it has finally happened, I seem to be adrift. All I have is time, and I don’t know what to do with it.

It feels so strange. I don’t recognize myself. For the last twenty years I have been in constant motion. Even though I’ve loved being a mom, I’ve resented the never-ending grind. But now that I don’t feel the clock ticking, I can barely focus on work.

Ever since Covid, my entire team has worked from home. I am happily single but never felt lonely until now. Maybe I’m just really sad—the empty nest thing—because I have so been looking forward to this time. But it feels like all of a sudden I have ADHD or something.

Have you ever heard of anything like this? Do you think there is something wrong with me?

Weirded Out

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Dear Weirded Out,

There is nothing wrong with you. You are going to be fine. I promise.

Humans vastly underestimate how destabilizing it is to change our daily routines. For twenty-plus years you were on the clock, and all of a sudden you have a surfeit of time. It’s as if you had loud music playing 24/7, you learned how to dance to it all day, every day for twenty years, and someone suddenly turned the music off. The silence is so deafening it can be hard to think. You developed an entire set of skills, disciplines, and practices that made you feel productive, accomplished, and competent. Now, all you need to do is…start all over again.

The working-mom fantasy of having more time to work is common; and, like most fantasies, the reality is often a letdown. Because, let’s face it, you probably already work plenty.

One general principle that might be helpful to understand is this: just because a big change is desirable and makes you happy doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to grieve the chapter that is coming to a close. All the big, happy life transitions (graduating school, getting married, starting jobs, having children, buying homes, moving to a new location), no matter how welcome, require leaving all kinds of beloved things behind. What that means is just because you are thrilled to have made it to end of the working-mom marathon doesn’t negate whatever other emotions you may be having.

Here are a few ideas you might consider to help you through this big transition:

• Take some time off. Go for long walks, take some yoga classes, meditate, get a massage. Anything you can do to clear your head so that you can hear the soft voice inside that is offering clarity about your heart’s desire.
• Maybe avail yourself of your company’s EAP to do a short course of therapy to unpack all of the feelings you are experiencing. Identifying, naming, and feeling them will be a relief and will help you to re-focus on what is in front of you.
• Take a quiet moment to write down all the things you have been putting off for so long. Jettison the things you don’t care about and prioritize the ones that still matter. Choose one thing that is appealing and make a plan to go after it. Learn pickleball, get a puppy, discover ballroom dancing, train for a marathon, find a cooking class. Whatever makes your heart beat a little faster.
• Make a list of the people you care about who’ve dropped to the bottom of your priority list and make it your business to reconnect. Commit to either rebuilding those relationships or building new ones.

I would urge you to take it slow and start small. You don’t want to cram your life so full that you immediately go back to your old rhythms. Just because it might feel comfortable doesn’t mean it is right for you. It took you years to shape your former daily rhythms and it will take some time to experiment and find new ones. You will be able to recognize yourself in a new form soon enough (perhaps just in time for one of your kids to boomerang back home again).

Just kidding. Kind of.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

It’s the new year. All my friends and colleagues are talking about New Year’s resolutions. I got nothin’.

I am plugging away at my work goals, but they don’t change much. I like my job. I am good at it. I am not gunning for a promotion. I go to the gym and eat right. I pay my bills. I stay in touch with my family. I like my friends, and we get together and have fun. I am fine with everything else in my life.

I am just questioning the obsession with constantly needing to set new goals to get better. Is it me? What am I missing?

Bah Humbug

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Dear Bah Humbug,

You’re fine. You can give yourself permission to enjoy the life you have created for yourself, which sounds very nice, indeed.

This “New Year, New Me!” time of year is a chance for people who want a change to tap into the collective psychic energy for inspiration and motivation to do something difficult. Maybe it’s something they’ve tried to do in the past and haven’t had success with.

There is no law that says you have to be constantly improving starting the first week in January. You’ll know when you are ready for a change, and it might be in June of 2027.

My point is that it will be there for you when you are ready.

Love, Madeleine

PS: For those who are resolved to make change now, here’s some advice I gave an earlier reader: Not Sure about New Year’s Resolutions? Ask Madeleine

And for those focusing on work goals, check out some advice I shared in a recent article: From Vision to Achievement: How Clear Goals Drive Performance

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a regional business unit for a global supply chain company. During the Covid lockdown everyone went remote, and the organization got rid of the office we had. I like working remotely. And it works well for my team for all the reasons people state: no one misses the commute, there’s much more flexibility to get things done at home, and you only have to be presentable from the waist up. The work part of my job is fine. What I have realized only recently, though, is that I am lonely.

I used to have lunch with coworkers, go out for drinks after work, and chat with people in the hallways. The small talk used to get on my nerves a bit when I was on a deadline, but now I have no small talk at all. Two of my good work friends transferred to regions in very different time zones, so staying connected with them has been a challenge as well.

The Covid shutdown was also the beginning of the end of my marriage. We had both traveled a lot for work and when we were forced to spend 24/7 together, it became clear that we were in denial about how incompatible we were. I started living alone about a year ago. Getting divorced was a relief, but what I didn’t anticipate was the effect it would have on my social life: all my friends are “coupled” and it doesn’t occur to them to include me in their plans. My very best friend just had twins so she literally has no time for herself—let alone for me.

I am an introvert, so doing the things I need to do to rebuild a network feels utterly beyond me. I am only in my mid-thirties and all I do is work, scroll Instagram, and binge Netflix shows. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I am feeling very stuck and sad. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Lonesome

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Dear Lonesome,

I am sorry for how you are feeling right now. There is a little bit of a silver lining in that you have at least admitted to yourself the reality of what is going on and you’ve named how it makes you feel. That is a critical first step to making some changes. I think it may also be helpful to understand that the changes in your circumstances were gradual, and what you are now dealing with is the cumulative effect of that. None of this is your fault, Lonesome—it is simply the result of a whole bunch of events that were out of your control.

However.

You must—absolutely must—take action. I hear you when you say that rebuilding feels beyond you, but rebuilding is non-negotiable. It won’t be easy, but you will be glad you did it. Why? The research is clear: loneliness will impact your health. You can read Dr. Vivek H. Murthy’s paper, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” You will see immediately that you are not alone. The effects of the Covid-19 started a snowballing of isolation that has caught many off guard. It might also be helpful to pinpoint exactly what feels beyond you, so that you can identify what feels doable. If absolutely nothing feels doable, you might consider talking to a medical professional to address what might be mild depression. That would certainly make sense, given what you have been through. This tip is, of course, outside my expertise—but if it resonates with you, there might be something to it.

What to do? Dr. Murthy makes some broad recommendations on pg. 66 of his paper, but I can also share some ideas that came to mind when I read your letter.

Start with what you already have:

• If there is no time for small talk online, set up time with coworkers nearby to meet in person. Meet at a coffee shop to work on a specific project. Have regular one-on-ones with your direct reports in person once a month—again, meet at a coffee shop or find an outdoor space if you live in a warm climate. Plan dinners with coworkers. I know social time used to be spontaneous, but now you will have to plan it ahead. If you are worried that you have all lost the skill of small talk, bring along a list of questions to get things going. Rely on your management skill and manifest some get-togethers with people who only see each other online. This is crucial to your well-being—and there is a good chance you aren’t the only one suffering, so, as a leader, it is also the best thing you can do for your people.
• You still have good work friends. Don’t let the time-zone thing deter you. Friendships are precious, and the only way to maintain them is to make the effort.
• Assuming your ex didn’t get custody of all your “coupled” friends, get in touch with the ones you liked. Let them know you are ready to socialize again and would love to be included in whatever social plans they are making. Pick up your phone and use it for what it was originally intended for—talking to people. Text them, at the very least. You have been out of sight, so you have been out of mind, and that is something you can change. There is no law that says couples can only hang with other couples.
• Your BFF has twins? I guarantee she is as lonely as you are. There is nothing as isolating as being at home with babies. Stop by with dinner. Offer to go to her house and hold one of the babies so that she can have one-on-one time with the other one. Go over and help with bathtime. Get her out for a walk with the stroller—it is so much easier to do with two people in case one of the babies melts down or they both do at the same time. If all she can talk about is baby stuff, so what? Smile, nod, and slap an interested look on your face, even if you are bored to tears. I had my first kid long before any of my friends did, and the only friends I still have thirty-five years later are the ones who went out of their way to accommodate my new circumstances. I am forever grateful to them.

Once you have done a few of the above things, you can cast a wider net.

• Adopt a pet. If that feels like too much, but you like dogs, go to your local shelter and volunteer to walk one.
• Find a way to volunteer for a cause that matters to you or a great need in your community that you can help address. Something that gets you out of your house. There is nothing like being in service to others to get your mind off yourself.
• Join a gym—or if you are allergic to gyms, make yourself go for a walk everyday. Just getting outdoors, having a little sun on your face, will change your outlook. At the very least, it will get you off your phone and your couch. If you like to hike, find a meetup near you to join like-minded others. Or use Meetup to find people who share any other interest you may have.
• If you are a reader, find or start a book group. If you are a cook, start a cooking club.

Start small, Lonesome. Try forcing yourself to do one thing a week for the first month, then two things a week, until you get to three things a week. Experiment! Not everything will be a smashing success, but you will learn, tweak as you go, and clarify what works well.

This will be hard. You will think there is something wrong with you, but there isn’t. You are at the mercy of Newton’s first law, otherwise known as inertia, which states that an object will remain at rest or in motion unless an external force acts upon it. Objects at rest will stay at rest; objects in motion will stay in motion. It takes a big charge of energy to change your state of inertia, so you will have to apply some will to change it. You will have moments when you want to cancel; when you would much prefer to stay home in your jammies. You will 100% be uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay.

Discomfort won’t kill you, but loneliness will. Get to work. Today.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am in a quandary. It may sound dumb to you, but I am interested to hear your thoughts.

I am in my mid-twenties and have been blessed with what seems to be almost incredible luck. I am smart enough, and came wired with a lot of stamina, a strong work ethic, a sunny outlook, and an ability to get along with almost anyone.

I am half Puerto Rican, but most people automatically think I am white. I have the advantage of being a minority when it serves me, but haven’t suffered from discrimination other than the kind that comes with being female—and, to tell the truth, even that hasn’t held me back. I grew up with two very decent parents, surrounded by lots of family, and went to an adequate public school where I got a good education. I was able to take advantage of affirmative action to get myself into a top college with solid financial aid and a work study job I liked. I got into an excellent grad school program, also with financial aid.

Now I have a job I love with a boss who cares about me in an organization that I respect. I have groups of friends whom I love and who love me.

What’s the problem, you’re wondering? Well—there isn’t one. I feel like everyone I meet that is my age has problems—childhood trauma, discrimination, mental illness, terrible parents, bullying—the list goes on and on. I feel boring. I wonder what I did to deserve so much luck. I am actually beginning to think it is going to run out at some point, and I’m waiting for that shoe to drop.

Don’t get me wrong, I have worked very hard and have had to overcome some challenges. It hasn’t all been easy. Do you think I’m nuts to worry?

Just Lucky

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Dear Just Lucky,

You’re not nuts. But you need to cut it out, mainly because worrying never helped anyone or anything. Stop worrying before it becomes a habit and you are as anxious and/or depressed as everyone around you. You came into this life with everything you needed to make the best of it, and you have done exactly that. You have indeed been lucky.

What did you do to deserve so much luck? Well, that’s one of the great existential questions, isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to terrible people? How does who deserves what get decided? Entire disciplines are devoted to answering those questions—philosophy, religious studies, all of the arts. I have come close to formulating answers for myself, but I don’t think my answers are what you are looking for. In fact, I don’t think anyone can answer them for you, and I would recommend that you run away from anyone who claims to have the answers. At the risk of offending those who are certain of “The Truth,” I encourage you to be suspicious of anyone who professes to know it.

There might be some value in examining the language in play here. What does it even mean to “have luck”? Or to “be lucky”? Research shows it is definitely good fortune to come into the world with kind and happy parents, but you and I both know that plenty of people do not see the value in that good fortune. And plenty of people who are born into disastrous circumstances find ways to rise above them. One might say lucky people cultivate a particular skill in noticing and then taking advantage of opportunities. And lucky people work hard to be prepared for the moment opportunity presents itself. And lucky people use good judgment about whom they take advice from. I suspect you have done all of the above.

You can also examine what it means to “deserve.” The most common usage expresses that someone has earned or been given something because of something they have done or because they have certain qualities. This usage implies that the world is fair, and we all know that isn’t true. Another usage implies that to deserve good fortune, one should be worthy of it. This requires that we have a good answer for what it means to be worthy. That, of course, depends entirely on who you ask, so that might be an interesting research project.

In the end, you will have to decide what it means to you. What would it mean to be worthy of your good fortune? I have spent most of my adult life defining that for myself, and am happy to share it with you, even as I caution you to simply add it to all the answers you get in your quest and come to your own conclusion.

In my opinion, to be worthy means to put a great deal of thought into how one can be a contribution to the world, to leave every interaction or situation the better for you having been a part of it. It is that simple, and of course, on many days, that difficult.

One person who has interesting and useful things to say about how “lucky” people are a force for good in the world is Jennifer Brown. Her body of work focuses on how those with privilege can advocate for and be allies of people who have less of it. This can be a wonderful way to share one’s good fortune. But let me be clear, this is not to imply obligation. Succumbing to others’ ideas of how you should go about being worthy is a recipe for disaster.

Another source of good sense to tap is the work of Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, Ruiz offers a code of conduct that is hard to argue with:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Don’t take anything personally.
• Don’t make assumptions.
• Always do your best.

Simple, right? But, given our confounding human nature, not always easy. I have been testing these four practices since the book was published in 1997 and they have never steered me wrong.

Your luck is not going to run out, JL. Lucky doesn’t mean that you get to avoid difficulty and problems. Lucky means that when difficulty and problems crop up, you will face them with your stamina, your work ethic, and your sunny outlook and you will be able enlist help from people who care about you. Will difficult things happen that are outside of your control? Undoubtedly. That is just life. But you will figure out the best way to respond when those things happen, because that’s just who you are, and nothing will change that. Don’t go looking for problems because you feel boring. You aren’t boring. You have entirely too much zest for life to be boring. Plenty of problems will come your way naturally, and when they do, you will be prepared.

You are asking the right questions, JL. Keep asking, keep searching, talk to people you respect and admire, find your own answers, and enjoy the heck out of being you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at a crossroads and don’t know which way to go. During Covid, I got a great idea and started a very cool online business. I did so well that a few people invested in my little company, and for a while it grew like gangbusters. I hired some people to help out and we’ve had a great team for a few years now. We have all made decent money and had a lot of fun.

Over the last year, it’s been hard to compete with all the new entrants into the same space—most have more investment funds than I do. I’ve been approached to sell to a competitor who talks a big game but really just wants me out of the way. If I sold, I would have enough cash to pay back the investors, call it a day, and move on. Alternatively, I could raise more money and try to compete by upgrading our technology, hiring more people, etc.

Over the last year, I’ve been stuck in front of my computer 18 hours a day because of this business. There are so many other things I want to do. I was able to prove my concept and keep myself entertained, but now I’ve really lost interest.

My problem is my employees. I really like all of them and worry that they will feel betrayed if I sell out and walk away. There is no guarantee that anyone I sell to will keep them on, and they are all perfectly capable of finding new jobs, but I don’t want them to hate me. I am starting to feel trapped.

I have made a pros and cons list and discussed this with my nearest and dearest, but can’t seem to make a decision. I am interested to hear what you might suggest.

At a Crossroads

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Dear At a Crossroads,

I deeply appreciate how much you care about your people, but let us remember that you started your business as something fun and interesting to do. It sounds like at no point did you think “I am going to start a business so I can provide employment to people for the rest of their lives.”

I learned something that has turned out to be true from reading The E Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber decades ago. He said there are three kinds of people who start businesses: the Entrepreneur, the Manager, and the Technician.

The Entrepreneur is the dreamer—the person who spots a need or opportunity in the marketplace and creates something new to fulfill that need. This sounds a lot like you. You created something cool, and are now ready to move on to other things.

The Manager is the person who craves order and is good at creating the systems and processes that will ensure seamless running of the business. They are good at spotting problems and solving them for good. These are the people who tend to buy franchises because they come with a proven concept and systems. Creativity is not required.

The Technician is the person who is very good at a technical skill or expert at delivering a specialized service. Think massage therapist or, as the example Gerber used in his book, someone who makes extraordinary pies.

To create a business that thrives long-term, the person who starts it needs to understand which of these is their type, and find partners or employees who are the other two types. Both Entrepreneurs and Technicians desperately need Managers because there will always be tension that needs to managed. It is extremely rare that a person who starts a business is equally gifted in all three of these required areas.

These distinctions have been extremely useful to me personally, helping me to see that I am a Technician with an entrepreneurial spirit. Essentially, I realized quickly that trying to remain a Manager in a business that is up and running is a terrible idea for me. So I have had a career of starting things (sometimes successfully, other times not so much) and then handing them over to Managers.

This is a lot of detail to explain that, if your entrepreneurial bent were strong enough to keep you interested in solving problems and truly scaling your business, it would make sense for you to stay with it. But it is eminently clear that you have already lost interest. And you have an opportunity to sell what you created to someone who is enough of a Manager to scale and compete.

It sounds like you have a deep core need for variety. Core needs must get met or they will wreak havoc on your life and your business. Why would you saddle yourself with something you are already bored with? In this case, it would be for sentimental reasons—to deliver on a promise that you never even made. That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster.

There are steps you can take to care for your people as best you can. The first step would be to have a chat with each of them, explain your reasoning, and listen to their thoughts. You can express your care and concerns while still sharing what is real for you.

You can, of course, do your best to encourage your buyer to hang on to as many current employees as possible, which I am sure you will do anyway.

Finally, you can put your money where your mouth is. You might consider sharing a portion of the sale price with your people so that they each have a little nest egg, or enough to tide them over until their next opportunity presents itself. Once you have paid off your investors, you can do the math and figure out what makes sense to share with your employees. I think this would demonstrate your commitment and go a long way toward mitigating the pain of the loss and change.

Nothing lasts forever, At a Crossroads. You must honor your own needs and your strong instinct that it is time to move on. You can do that while also respecting your people’s hard work, the fun you all had, and how fond you are of them. You can close this chapter of your life honorably and without regret.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a giant real estate company and have been selling houses in a big metropolitan city for a long time. Over the years, I’ve been heavily recruited and this is my third company. I never wanted to be in management as I really like working with clients. I’ve had terrible managers, decent managers, and everything in between.

My company has always received a percentage of the commission, which is standard. Recently the company made a change—and now my manager will be getting a small percentage of the commission on everything I sell. It is hard to say this without sounding like a jerk, but I do very well and my manager stands to make a substantial amount from this arrangement.

I guess I wouldn’t mind, except I’ve been doing this for a good twenty years longer than she has. Any time I ask my manager for any help at all, she says she is too busy. She either doesn’t respond to emails or she promises to get back to me with answers and then doesn’t. Almost all my questions are related to the inner workings of our organization, publicity budgets, etc. I do all my own research and stay abreast of the changes in local laws, so I learned early not to depend on anyone for that.

I am furious. I’ve done fine on my own for 25 years. Now this little weasel is going to get some of my hard-earned commission for doing exactly nothing. What the heck? I’m certain this change is designed to make managers engage more with their brokers, but it isn’t working.

I was thinking of talking to my manager’s boss (with whom I have a long-standing relationship) but that seems a little whiny. Or I could start looking at other companies that don’t engage in this practice. What do you think?

Working Harder, Making Less

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Dear Working Harder, Making Less,

This sounds awfully frustrating. If your manager added some value you might be able to come around to this change, but as it stands, the anger you feel is likely to grow.

Senior executives are much more likely to want to help when you have already tried to fix a situation yourself, so I think your first line of defense is to have a candid conversation with your manager. It is human nature that when there is more to do than is possible, we pay attention only to the people who insist on it. Most managers are perfectly happy to leave high performers alone to, well, perform.

This would mean insisting on a time to meet, either on the phone or in person, having prepared your request to create a more effective working relationship moving forward. It sounds as if all you’re really asking for is that she answer your questions or reply to your emails with the information you need. Even if this person weren’t making extra money off you, this would be a low bar.

It is fair to explain that you didn’t mind flying solo before having to pay her for her support, but now that you do, you really need her to help you when you ask. Stick to the facts and keep emotion out of it. Be clear, concise, and neutral. Practice beforehand if you need to.

One of these things is likely to happen:

• You can’t even get a meeting scheduled, or
• She disagrees that your requests are fair, or
• She agrees that your requests are fair, makes promises and becomes more responsive for a short period, and then reverts to her old ways.

Following any of these scenarios, you can then escalate and at the very least get the commission sharing decision reversed. Or start looking at alternatives. Only you will know if this is a trend that is happening among other companies—in which case, maybe you can find another company with a more helpful manager.

Of course the hope is that when you share your thoughts, your manager will see your point and change her ways for good. Ideally, you build a relationship, she takes your calls, answers your emails, and generally acts as if she has your back, which may add enough value that you don’t resent sharing a little money with her. This is best-case scenario.

Real estate is a notoriously difficult business. If you have managed to stay in it, build a reputation, and make a lot of money, you must be good at it. You probably are exceptionally good at building relationships with people and helping them to manage all the emotions that are invariably unleashed when selling or buying a home. This is not nothing. It makes sense for you to protect yourself and not let anyone take advantage of your decades of experience.

If you can’t get what you need to stop your resentment from building, you can escalate. If that doesn’t work, you can take your prowess elsewhere.

I am crossing my fingers that just being a squeaky wheel—albeit a kind and polite one—will get you what you need.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is just awful. He is the son of a friend of the owner, and the owner has no idea how he treats people. Although he comes from a company in our industry, where he was the operations manager, he really doesn’t understand how different things are here.

I love my job. I have been doing it for over twenty years, and I am acknowledged by everyone in the company (except my boss) as knowledgeable and masterful. I have also won several awards from peers in my industry. I speak at conferences, am regularly asked to contribute to panels, and many people have sought me out as a mentor.

And yet my boss treats me like an idiot—and regularly calls me one. He frequently questions my decisions, even though he has no idea what he is talking about. It wouldn’t matter as much if his antics didn’t waste enormous amounts of my time.

Some of my work does require me to make educated guesses—we are in the fashion industry—so trend intel is helpful but really only gets us so far. So I have to rely on my intuition and experience. More often than not, I nail it, which is why I have my job. Very occasionally, I miss the mark.

When that happens, my boss quite literally crows about it to everyone, boasting that he knew it all along. (I am sure he would say “I told you so,” except that he has never accurately predicted failure.) He seems hell-bent on trying to ruin my reputation—and I believe he would succeed, if everyone in town didn’t know me well and also see him as a complete loser.

I have read many books on dealing with difficult people, managing conflict, and having difficult conversations. Essentially, I have tried everything to no effect. In fact, the harder I try, the worse he seems to get.

I fantasize about something bad happening to him, which is not at all like me. I have put a great deal of study and effort into evolving myself to be a spiritual person but this whole situation is testing me beyond my limits. I have to control myself not to obsess about him and not to spend every social interaction complaining to my friends.

This experience makes me feel hateful. It is casting a shadow on my entire life now. I am hoping you have some ideas for me.

Feeling Hateful

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Feeling Hateful,

I do have some ideas. But first let me share that you’re not alone: Here is a recent article reporting that a little over one-third of people say they work with a toxic boss. Respondents describe feeling dread about going to work, increased anxiety, recurrent nightmares, and the need to seek therapy as outcomes of having a toxic boss.

I can’t imagine how the knowledge that so many are suffering along with you will make you feel better, except to prove you are in good company. The term soul-crushing is no exaggeration, because, as you describe, feeling so disrespected can make a person feel that they are changing at their very core.

This is a classic situation where you have three choices.

1. Change yourself.
2. Change the situation.
3. Remove yourself from the situation.

So. You might as well take this opportunity to change yourself, no matter what else you choose to do. Since you have already done your homework about how to shift your communication style, the next step is to work on increasing your self-regulation. If there was ever a time to rise above and be the grownup, it is now.

You could practice distancing—a technique to reduce the emotional impact of events that generate outsized overwhelming feelings. To distance, relate the story of the latest outrage as if it happened to someone else. It might sound like this: “My friend Lucy has the worst boss; wait till you hear what he did. First, he called her at 11 PM, and then yelled at her the next day for not picking up. You know Lucy—she goes to bed at 10 and always puts her phone on silent. Then he dressed her down in front of her entire team. He literally called her a ‘moron’ and a ‘slacker,’ if you can believe it. Lucy! The hardest worker we know!” I know this sounds a little weird, but try it and see if it helps.

Another possibility is to look to your spiritual training and practice mindfulness, which means to observe your own thoughts and feelings with curiosity and without judgment. I might submit that some of your discomfort comes from your adding to the negative experience by piling on judgment of yourself about how defensive and irate it makes you feel. Instead of judging yourself for every hostile thought you have, just notice that you have a hostile thought. And let it just be. Let it not mean anything about you.

The hallmark of any sound spiritual practice is to treat every interaction with someone who makes you enraged as if the person is a spiritual teacher. You might ask yourself: What is there for me to learn here? How might this support my evolution as a spiritual person? I am laughing as I type this, because I know myself how devilishly difficult it is. When I try to do it, I mostly fail. But that doesn’t make it any less worthwhile. I mean, let’s face it, it’s easy to be our best selves when everything is going well. You know that’s true—and if you hate me right now, I can’t blame you.

Once you are feeling a little more self-control, here are a couple of other ideas.

Would it be too obvious to escalate the meanness and the demoralizing effect on you and your team to the owner? They obviously know your track record and must rely on the value you provide. Nobody wants to be accused of going over the boss’s head and being a tattle tale, but in this case, don’t you think the owner would want to know? You don’t mention anything about them, so maybe you already know they can’t be bothered—or they have made it clear that they would take his side no matter what. But it wouldn’t do at all if you finally decided to jump ship and the owner was surprised.

If bringing it to the owner’s attention is not an option, you might anonymously leave articles such as Leaders: This Is the Impact Trustworthiness Has on Your Success or The Five Biggest Red Flags of a Toxic Culture on your boss’s desk. There is no shortage of research on how terrible bosses are bad for the bottom line. You might just leave a new one every week or so, and see if it makes a dent. You never know when the penny might drop for your boss. If he is just a regular numb nut, he could come around. But if he is a power-hungry narcissist who is trying to make you quit so he can hire his girlfriend, you probably have no chance.

This leads us to your final option. You didn’t say you were thinking of quitting, but that is always an option. Some might encourage you to behave so badly that he has cause to fire you, but I think that is beneath you and so disingenuous as to be unsuited to who you strive to be. Not to mention the potential damage to your reputation, which will be important as you seek to create a new opportunity.

So there you have it, my friend. You either learn to let the nonsense roll off your back and play the long game while trying to influence subtly; try to get the owner’s support; or, if it seems like you have no other choice, be prepared to walk away and create the next chapter of your career.

I am awfully sorry for how upset you are. The problem with committing to your own spiritual growth is that tests are part of the program—although I’ll grant you that this one is a doozy. This one feels like a Master Class. But I suspect you are up to it.

Remember who you are.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior sales manager in a mid-sized company. I love the company, the work we do, and the people. I have been identified as a high potential. My team always hits goal, I get consistently excellent performance reviews, and I have every expectation that I will have a shot at chief revenue officer.

The company positions itself as family-friendly, which has been my experience. We all have a lot of flexibility. As long as people are available and the work gets done, nobody really cares about how. I have one child in preschool and am expecting another one. I am a fairly private person, so I didn’t share the news with anyone until it became obvious. The next thing I knew, a very senior woman in the company—a person I respect who has been a bit of a mentor to me and (not incidentally) who has a lot of influence—walked into my office and said, “I thought you were serious about your career.”

I was floored. What the heck? All I could think to say was, “Of course I am. What makes you think I’m not?” She expounded on how having one kid is fine, but having two means you will never be able to give the job everything you have. Then she said I was “signaling a lack of commitment” by having another kid!

I am so mad. I mean come on, are we still living in 1958? Many people on our executive team—all men— have multiple children. I really thought I had enough of a track record to be taken seriously despite my desire to have a family. I should note that this woman does not have children.

I find myself spiraling, constantly reliving the conversation and having pithy comebacks. I don’t know if others on the executive team have the same attitude. Now I am worried that I am sabotaging my career goals.

What should I do?

Angry and Worried

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Angry and Worried,

I am floored along with you. And I am sorry that someone you trusted thought that sharing their opinion at all, let alone in such a hurtful way, was a good idea.

What should you do? I have some thoughts.

First: Let. It. Go. You are obsessing, going in circles, and engaging in rumination. Rumination is defined by neuroscientists as “a form of perseverative cognition that focuses on negative content, generally past and present, and results in emotional distress.”  The more you do it, the more you create neural pathways in your brain that can become entrenched and self-perpetuating. I don’t think you need to worry about having a disorder—something was triggered in you, and you should be able to manage it. How to let it go? You can read more about rumination and how to stop it here. Most people I have worked with on this (including myself) have had success with a few different methods.

• Get a reality check. Talk to your boss—maybe even your boss’s boss. Check out the woman’s assumptions and assess the extent to which they might be shared by others. Take the opportunity to reiterate your commitment to the company, to the work, and to your own career advancement. Just doing this may very well put your mind at rest.
• Fight back. Meet with your HR business partner or even the CHRO if that makes sense. Get crystal clear about your rights. Share your experience and test out the possibility of lodging an official complaint against the woman for creating a hostile work environment. This may be going too far for you, and could impact you negatively if the woman has as much influence as you think—but you may get support from HR to keep this person’s assumptions from influencing others.
• Write a letter to the woman, including all of your pithy comebacks, that you don’t send. Take the time to write it all down and get it all out of your head. This should help you to stop going in circles. There is something about writing out your thoughts that can be incredibly therapeutic.
• Finally, remember who you are. One of my favorite quotes, attributed to multiple people, is “your opinion of me is none of my business.” Just because someone has an opinion about the ability of women to be both excellent parents and strong contributors at work doesn’t mean it is true. There are literally millions of examples that prove she is wrong. And you know yourself. You obviously believe you have what it takes.

You have allowed yourself to fall into the trap of taking something personally. It is totally normal—we all do it, and we are particularly susceptible when the offender is someone we respect. You must remember, however, that everything your former mentor said is 100% about her, and absolutely not about you. As a sales professional, I submit that you might simply turn this challenge into motivation to prove her wrong. I guess that might not be high quality motivation, but it sure works for a lot of people!

You’ve got this. Will it be easy? Probably not. Can everyone do it? Not everyone has the stamina, the ability to manage chaos, and the flexibility any woman needs to be a great mom while having a robust career. But I suspect you do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I love my job and I am good at it. When the COVID lockdown was settling in for a then-unknown period of time and everyone in my company was working from home, my partner and I took advantage of the crisis, rented out our condo in the city, and moved to our dream location. Life was beyond perfect.

Now the CEO of my company is going hardline, insisting that everyone be back in the office at least three days a week.

It is a short flight to go to HQ, and we still have our condo. In theory, I could bunk with our renter (a relative) whenever I need to. I am in negotiation with my manager to see if I might fly in for one week a month. He is fighting for me and my request, but I am not sure if he can make it happen. Even if he does, I will have to bear the cost of travel and the disruption to my home life (there are multiple dogs involved now). On the pro side, I am getting a little lonely working from home 24/7 and would welcome seeing my colleagues again.

My problem is that our CEO said at one point that he “would never force people back to the office,” which is why we made the move. I actually have the recording of the all-hands meeting where he said it. It makes me so mad. It is affecting my motivation to even make the effort to comply. My work hasn’t suffered yet, but I can feel my resentment creeping into my attitude. Part of me feels like I would actually have a case if I wanted to sue.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

Resentful

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Resentful,

I will tell you what I hear, Resentful. It sounds to me like you might enjoy going into HQ on a limited basis. So the change might be welcome at some level, but you feel betrayed by your CEO. If you started out respecting and being a willing follower of your CEO, that respect and willingness has been destroyed. The bald fact is that he is breaking his word. Your resentment is rooted in that sense of betrayal.

I think half the battle for you right now is in naming the emotion you are feeling—so if I am wrong about what it is, what is the right word? You might consider checking out Dr. Susan David’s website where she offers fine distinctions to get clarity about our emotions. Her book Emotional Agility provides a deeper dive.

Once you can truly name and express what makes this whole situation feel so impossible, you can own it and decide what you want to do about it. Maybe it’s a letter to the CEO. Maybe it is simply a lesson learned. Either way, it should help to clear the field enough for you to make a decision about whether:

1. you can release your resentment and comply with the mandate (or with whatever your manager can negotiate for you), or
2. you want to hang on to your resentment but still comply, or
3. you believe the loss of respect for your CEO is fatal and you need to move on to find a CEO who is more trustworthy to devote your work hours to.

To be fair, I don’t know a single CEO who was equipped to deal with what we all just went through. Every single one of them was making it up as they went and doing the best they could with no precedent to lean on. He probably had no idea what unintended consequences would result from what he said in a meeting.

So, ultimately, I don’t recommend option B, because, as has been pithily said by many, resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.

I can’t speak to the viability of a lawsuit. You would have to consult an attorney for that. I can, however, caution that no matter how in the right you may be, a lawsuit will drain you of any disposable income you may have and your peace of mind. You would need to have an awfully strong stomach and be prepared for it to take years.

Check in with yourself and see if you can find it in your heart to forgive your CEO. Maybe all the brilliant and good things he has done can outweigh this one error. Or maybe the scales can’t be tipped in his favor. Only you can decide that.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have always been good at dealing with stress in my personal life—difficult pregnancies, a special-needs child, and parents requiring help. But now I am going through a challenging divorce. My kids are all struggling with it in different ways and it is taking its toll. I’ve recently realized this situation is exceeding my abilities to cope.

I recently had to untangle a big mess because one of my direct reports “didn’t want to bother me” because I have so much on my plate right now. I realized I have been ignoring requests, snapping at people, and avoiding complex tasks that are critical to projects moving forward. I am watching myself from the ceiling, wondering “Who are you? You know better. Where is your composure, woman?”

Everywhere I turn to for advice tells me I need to take care of myself, exercise, meditate, and so on. None of it is helpful. I am hoping you have another angle on this.

Train Wreck

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Train Wreck,

You should exercise and meditate. Haha, just kidding. I mean, I am—but it is true that taking care of yourself has never been more important. So don’t ignore that advice. Find one thing you can do that helps you feel centered and grounded—just one thing that makes sense and doesn’t require a ton of time or a new skill set.

My heart hurts for you. You are going through one of most destabilizing transitions known to humans. When I was going through a divorce, I spent a full hour driving in the wrong direction on the New Jersey Turnpike with three ten-year-old boys in the car. My sister called me to tell me she saw me take the wrong ramp and I said, “You’re crazy, I know where I’m going.” That, it turned out, was not the case. That is only one of the crazy things I did. This is a whole unprecedented level of stress you are dealing with, and it is serious business. It literally keeps you from thinking straight. So I have two words for you:

GET HELP.

Find a therapist or counselor to whom you can vent weekly. Your company probably has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)—many offer six sessions with a therapist. That may be all you need.

Or

Call your best friend every day, set a timer for seven minutes, and complain bitterly about everything bugging you. Ask her to not argue or give advice, just listen. I grant that few of us have such a perfect friend, but you may. If you do, make an agreement with a time limit—say a month. It isn’t forever, and you will do the same for her when she needs it.

Or

Find an online support group.

The bottom line is this: There is no reason for you to try to get through this alone. If there was ever a time to call in the cavalry, it is now.

There is one other thing to try that you probably won’t hear from anyone else, and it has brought me, and many of my clients, through rocky patches. It is a technique from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron called “Morning Pages.” This is how she describes it:

“Morning Pages are three pages of longhand, stream-of-consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning. There is no wrong way to do Morning Pages—they are not high art. They are not even “writing.” They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind—and they are for your eyes only. Morning Pages provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize, and
synchronize the day at hand. Do not overthink Morning Pages: just put three pages of anything on the page…and then do three more pages tomorrow.”

You can listen to Julia on this topic here.

The beauty of Morning Pages is that it takes about nine minutes, tops, and it makes an appreciable difference to one’s state of mind. It costs nothing, takes almost no time, and doesn’t require scheduling for yourself or anyone else. I have found that people who use this technique go back to it in troubled times again and again. For some people, it just works to clear the decks and get us back to our center. It is worth a try.

In terms of your work, it is lovely that your team members are sensitive to your situation. Just make sure they know what to come to you with, and what they are free to use their own judgment about. If nothing else, this period will allow some of them to rise to their own brilliance. So you have that going for you. Talking to them about what you are going through (at a high level), explaining how they should operate during this difficult time, and showing appreciation for their concern is all that’s needed.

You are used to being a high performer and for the first time in your life, you are falling short of your own expectations. That is adding to your pain and confusion. It is also okay. Other people are clearly willing to cut you some slack, and you can too. You’re judging yourself for struggling, and it isn’t helping anyone. Try to give yourself some grace. It is not permanent. It is a moment in time.

Which leads me to my final point: this will end. I promise. Not tomorrow, not next week, but at some point, you will be on the other side of this, and you will be wiser and more compassionate with others because of it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been working for a company for a few years now. They moved to an Unlimited PTO policy just as I joined. It was heavily promoted in the recruiting stage.

Things went fine the first couple of years. I took the typical PTO breaks—December holiday time, a couple of days in the spring when my kids had a break, around 10 to 14 days in the summer—nothing that exceeded the number of vacation days I would have taken in the old model.

I work on a great team. We have always talked about time off and who would cover for the person who was out. We also have generally checked in and made ourselves available when we’ve been on PTO if there is potential for a problem. There has never been an issue.

 We got a new boss about a year ago. He is a stickler for clearing PTO, which is fine—except that whenever I put in for time off, he denies my request. This has happened a couple of times now.

He always has a different reason—the launch of a new project, heavy workloads, someone else had already requested that time (even though no one said they had). Everyone on our team has experienced this. It’s getting to the point that instead of asking, some colleagues are simply calling in sick when they need to be out.

This is stressing me out. My mother-in-law is planning a big family reunion late this summer, and my wife has made it clear that attending is not optional. But now I am afraid to even ask. Help!

Denied PTO

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Denied,

This sounds frustrating indeed. Some managers get very anxious at the prospect of a team member being out. If I have this right, it sounds like you would be asking for this time about two and a half months beforehand. It would be absurd for your boss to deny you.

So, I say, ask now. The longer you wait, the greater the risk of being denied. Make it clear that you need the time for a family event and that it will create a real problem if you don’t attend. Explain that the team has always been super cooperative when it comes to covering for each other when they take PTO, and that you will make sure to cover all contingencies before you go.

If that fails, the next step would be to have a conversation with your manager to understand the reasoning behind the denial. If he claims that somebody has already asked (unlikely), ask who it is, and maybe you can negotiate the dates with that person, if their plans aren’t set in stone.

If that gets you nowhere, it will be time to go to HR. The statistics show that employees tend to take less time under the new Unlimited PTO policies than they did under the old model that set the number of days off. The fact is that people need to take vacation. Not just taking time away from work but still checking in; I mean a real don’t-even-think-about-work vacation. Any decent HR group will know this and should offer proper guidance and support to your manager.

It is possible that your manager doesn’t understand the PTO policy or he worries that if his team appears to take too much time it will reflect badly on him. We can speculate all day long, but it would be up to the HR business partner to get to the root of your manager’s reluctance to let anyone take time off.

Based on what I have read, asking for time off with plenty of notice should work to get you the time you need. You can read here about your rights, but remember that every state and country has different laws.

Don’t let your previous experience delay your making the request. Ask now and get HR involved quickly if you are denied. Lean on the recruiting promises if you need to. If you get no joy, you might consider working for a company that sees their employees as human beings, not machines.

There are already enough reasons to get stressed out these days. Adding the potential wrath of your spouse and her family to it just makes no sense at all. If your company will not support your need to take care of yourself, find one that will.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

There is a woman on my team who is driving me crazy. I am on the young side and she is nearing the end of her career, but I don’t think it is just about generational differences. In fact, she drives everyone crazy.

She always thinks she knows best and assumes I know nothing. She explains things I already know—and at length. She corrects me when I am talking and is sometimes right, but more often she is not. She even corrects our boss in meetings, and he is very graceful. I really wish he would shut her down.

I find myself getting worked up about it, probably way more than I should. It is just so annoying.

What do you think I should do?

Perpetually Annoyed

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Perpetually Annoyed,

I think we can all agree that possibly the most common source of stress at work is interpersonal tension. I have some ideas for you, and you probably aren’t going to love them.

First, some don’ts:

• Don’t complain about this coworker to others on the team or in your company. That just makes you look like a complainer.
• Don’t be rude to her. Don’t even roll your eyes unless you are by yourself.

What you might do:

• Pay attention to the way your boss handles the situation. It sounds like he knows better than to “shut someone down” in front of the whole team. You have no way of knowing what he says to her in private. But, if he can be graceful, so can you.
• Interrupt long explanations that you don’t need by saying something like “May I stop you? Thanks, I have what I need right now, and I need to get to it.”
• When she corrects you, say “Thank you, I’ll have to look into that.”
• If you categorically disagree, simply say “Maybe you’re right.”

“Maybe you’re right” is one of those phrases that can get you out of any number of potentially ugly scrapes with people who are not interested in a discussion. I agree, this is not generational. It is really just a personality issue. It is a classic case of someone whose need to be right supersedes everything else.

We all have different core needs—to be liked, to be included, to be noticed, and to be right are a few examples. I would say the true value of this for you might be to examine your own needs and ask yourself if the way you try to get those needs met at work is making you successful or costing you relationships. If nothing else, the bothersome coworker is a perfect role model of how you don’t want to show up. Watch and learn.

You can be forgiven for fantasizing about stabbing her with a coffee stirrer. (I am doing that right now!) But you won’t actually do it. And you probably aren’t going to get her to change, either—not unless you respect and care about her enough to risk having a very hard conversation with her. It doesn’t sound like that is a likely scenario.

To sum it up: let it roll off your back. Breathe, smile, draw a boundary when you must, and let it go. It is an annoyance, not a real problem. You could certainly turn it into one, but I imagine you have much more important things to do with your time and attention.

Every time you get yourself worked up, remember that whatever you pay attention to will grow. So choose to pay attention to what matters most. I guarantee it isn’t your poor coworker’s lack of awareness.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently graduated from college and started my first job. The job I was offered was the one I wanted, but on my first day I was moved to a different department and given a job that does not come close to the description of the job I signed up for. The person who hired me is no longer my manager and my new manager has no idea who I am. I show up at team meetings and my manager calls me “Kid,” which I find demeaning. I am fairly sure he does it because he doesn’t know my name.

This all seems unfair to me. I don’t know anyone well enough to try to figure out what is going on. I recently reviewed my employment contract and there isn’t anything in it about what job I would be doing or whom I would report to, so I don’t think I have any recourse legally. I asked my parents, but they are so relieved I have a job, they just tell me to keep my head down and do what I am told.

It just doesn’t seem right to me, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Shunted Around

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Shunted Around,

It probably isn’t fair, and it sounds pretty chaotic. I am sorry that your first job experience seems to have gotten off to such a rocky start. It must feel very disconcerting. I do have some ideas for you.

I agree with your parents, but not with their reason. The job market is hot right now and you would be able to get a different job if you wanted one. I just think it might serve you to give the situation a chance. Take a minute to step back and figure things out, get to know some people, and see if you will be able to make it work. Jumping ship at the very first sign of a challenge means you will never know what you might have missed. Stay and try to get a clear picture of the organization.

Seek to find answers to the following:

• What are the organization’s values? Do they have any, do they try to live by them, and can you align with them?
• Will you be able to use your strengths and find a career path where you are?
• Can you reach out to your new manager and make yourself known to him?
• Can you find people you like and can relate to?
• Are you interested in what the company does—its products and/or services?

Decide how much time you want to give yourself, and then, if you aren’t satisfied with the answers to the questions you have asked, you can start looking for a job.

The one thing I know for sure is that every organization out there is experiencing an unprecedented volume and speed of change. The one you are in is a perfect example of what I see happening everywhere. Political unrest, climate disasters, economic instability, and turbulent social transformation are all forcing leaders of companies to experiment rapidly to be as successful as possible. There is no blueprint available to help them—so if it feels like they are making stuff up as they go, that’s probably exactly what’s happening.

You are not the only one trying to just hang on for what may be a very bumpy ride.

It is entirely possible that your new manager can’t remember your name. He is no doubt just as discombobulated as you are. Our organization has many new people I am scrambling to keep straight, so I can relate. You can choose to take offense at being called “Kid,” or you can revel in the fact that you are so young that it makes sense for someone to call you that. The one thing you have on your side is time, which is a luxury you won’t appreciate until it’s gone. If your manager assumes your work ethic or your intelligence is lacking because of your age, that is a different story. In my experience, the term “Kid” is usually not ill intended. As you get to know your manager, you can respectfully ask that he not use it. But who knows—by then it might feel like a term of endearment.

Try not to fixate too much on fairness, although it is natural to do so. There is so much unfairness in the world and in large, complex systems. Save your ire for those moments when you are being asked to do unethical things or things you don’t know how to do with no training, or when you are seriously underpaid, or when your workload is unreasonable. The chaos and turbulence you are experiencing right now are unfair to everyone in the organization, so it isn’t personal. You aren’t being singled out.

Breathe. Take a step back. Stay open. Try not to worry so much. Just keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Decide on what criteria about the job matters most to you and whether this position can meet them. Experiment with influencing and steering your ship through stormy waters.

You ultimately may decide you do have to leave, but you will have learned so much.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team for a startup health and wellbeing subscription platform. I was super excited at the beginning—the founders seemed to have the right values and care about their employees. As time has passed, though, the competition has increased and none of the strategic targets have been met. With every all-company meeting, the strategy changes and we all feel like pinballs.

Many of our competitors are laying people off in droves. In the meantime, our company has brought in a lot of investors and heavy hitters from our competitors who bring their favorites with them, so there is a very weird dynamic of factions in the company now. We’ve got the old-timers, the Team X people, the Team Y people, etc. All the new groups seem to think they are special and are downright rude to the original folks. At a recent in-person team building retreat, no effort was made to integrate the old with the new. It was poorly planned and a colossal waste of time and money.

My original boss, who I loved and who was a great manager, recently left. It was not made clear why. My new boss came from a competitor. She can’t remember my name and is making it obvious that she wants to replace me with one of her pets. She keeps cancelling our one-on-ones but my team keeps hitting its numbers, so she can’t really fault me. Still, I can’t help feeling like my days are numbered.

None of the promises the company made at the beginning have been kept. A lot of the attraction at the beginning was having equity in the company, but now that it feels like the ship is going down, I can’t see that it will be worth much.

I am torn between the loyalty I felt at the beginning and the disillusionment with leadership I feel now. I would hate to walk away from the equity I was promised, but I just don’t know how much longer I can hang on.

Torn

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Torn,

Startups are notoriously messy and many fail. There are a lot of reasons for this, outlined nicely in this article. The competition in your space is particularly fierce as companies try to attract members and retain them. The overwhelming tone of your letter is disappointment. Disappointment is one of the most unpleasant emotions and can be very hard to face head on. But burying it by putting your head in the sand won’t save you.

I have a few thoughts for you, and you aren’t going to like any of them.

I think you need to honor your own intuition that the top leadership has lost its way. Where are the values that were discussed at the beginning? Are they in writing somewhere? Are they being used to onboard the new people? Are they being used to manage leadership performance? If not, they are an idea that was never executed and might as well never have existed.

I can’t tell if you have actual equity (a.k.a. a written contract) or if it was a verbal promise. If you don’t have anything in writing, I hate to say it, but you’ve got nothing. And even if it were in writing, if you really think the ship is going down, part of nothing is nothing.

Now this new manager situation. If it is okay with you to work for a manager who doesn’t seem to care one iota about you, it is your choice. But, again, you have a very strong intuition that it is only a matter of time before you are ousted. So unless you have a history of being suspicious of dubious behavior and being proved wrong, you are probably right.

I am a big fan of loyalty but it sounds like the vision that captured your heart is gone and the people that built that loyalty have already left. So what and who exactly are you loyal to now? I also love optimism. As someone who has led several startups myself, I can tell you that optimism is critical until it blocks out reality, at which point it becomes toxic.

It really sounds like you know what you need to do but don’t want to admit it to yourself. No one would blame you for feeling torn—you have all of those initial relationships and you worked hard through the first couple of startup phases. No one wants to walk away from what felt like an investment.

Ask yourself “If one of my best friends outlined this situation and asked for my advice, what would I say?” And there, my disappointed friend, will be your answer.

There is a lot of opportunity out there. I highly recommend you go find some leaders worthy of your loyalty, your work ethic, and your hard-won experience.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I report to a CHRO in a large global manufacturing company where I’ve worked for 15 years. About two years ago our company was sold to a group of investors, and they installed a new CEO.

At first the CEO said all the right things about how important the people are—but over time it has become clear that his mandate is to squeeze as much short-term profit out of the company as he can.

He has demanded the kind of cutbacks, especially in HR, that make it impossible for us to do our jobs without working absolutely all the time. He keeps telling us to do more with less, leverage technology, blah blah—the usual. We went from having beautifully designed and delivered onboarding, management training, and leadership development programs to essentially doing the bare minimum for compliance, compensation, and benefits.

It is so demoralizing. Most of the work I am now doing are things I am not well trained for and don’t care about. Our department has made countless presentations explaining the need to bring back development with well researched return on investment. He basically laughs at us and openly insults our work.

My dream was to retire from this job. I am 56 years old and never anticipated I would be looking for a new job at this point in my career. I have watched our CHRO get beaten down to the point where she is just going along to get along. I just keep thinking reason will win the day, and that I have to keep fighting. What else can I do? How do I know when it is time for …

Giving Up?

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Giving Up,

It can be so hard to let go of a dream and face the truth. It sounds like your heart and soul were in the job—so, essentially, you were hooked in a good way. But now you are hooked in a bad way.

You have let the hooks get yanked on long enough. It is time to take those hooks out and walk away. I don’t think anyone would accuse you of folding at the first sign of sign of opposition. And it really wouldn’t be giving up—there is a fine line between falling apart when things get tough and facing reality.

All terrible situations—ones in which you find yourself tolerating the intolerable—come down to three choices:

1. Do nothing.
2. Do something.
3. Leave the situation.

Let’s break this down.

1. You can, as your CHRO has done, do nothing—or as little as possible, anyway. Stay where you are and do what is required as well as you can in a reasonable work week and don’t try to do everything. Wait it out until you are fired for not doing three jobs or until it is time to retire, whichever comes first. This is what is commonly referred to as “quit and stay” and people do it all the time. For me it would be a recipe for a drinking problem, but it clearly works for some.
2. You could keep fighting until your CEO is so annoyed with you that you get fired. You could also escalate your observations about the long-term cost of the lack of training and development to the organization. Of course, the board or the owners may be well aware of what is going on and may have plans to use the profit record of the last few years to re-sell the company at a much higher valuation. You will have to feel that one out.
3. Save yourself, save your sanity, save your health, and get out as fast as you can. My vote is for this one. There is so much movement out there right now, so much re-shuffling, so much hiring. Get your resume shined up, get out on your social media platforms, and work your network. Go find yourself a grand new challenge to be the capstone of what has been a great career (until recently).

I am truly, deeply sorry that this has happened to your company and to you. No one asks for these kinds of professional hijacks, government takeovers, or pandemics and wars for that matter. But they happen and all you can control is how you respond. There will be no medals for dying on this hill.

The choice is yours. I am rooting for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I need your professional advice on career goals or growth.

I worked in the construction industry for 25 years, starting out as an electrician and moving up to a field manager. I essentially went from pulling wiring through conduit to managing the entire field operation on very large, multi-million-dollar commercial and industrial projects. During this time I also was in the US Army National Guard and was called to active duty in 2002. I was wounded in combat and spent the next three years in and out of hospitals and physical therapy.

When I went back to work, I had a hard time with the physical aspects of my job. I decided to use my VA benefits and found a new job with the federal government as an engineering technician. I was technically still in the field, but now I was just making sure others did what they were contracted to do. It was easier work, fewer hours, and a much more secure future. I have done government work now in various roles for 15 years and have moved up the GS ladder in pay and responsibility.

The government is always pushing for individual and leadership development—“grow up, not down” kind of stuff. To be honest, I’m happy where I am. I don’t want more responsibility and I don’t really want to be a supervisor any longer. When I have said this to my current boss and to some past bosses, they have all asked me why I don’t just go back to the private sector if I feel that way. I don’t understand this, because the growth and development situation was essentially the same in the private sector.

Here’s my question: am I wrong? Should I grow even though I’ll be miserable? I know I won’t be the best I can be. I’m a very good leader but not a good manager. I can inspire others and motivate them to be part of the team, to be themselves, and to contribute all they can in their way. I have an open, creative, teaching mind but I hate the daily grind of supervising people, the miasma of mundane paperwork and budgets, and the sand in my eyes at the end of a long day of computer work.

I have 10 years left before retiring to just work when I want to work, so should I give the government 10 good years doing what I want or should I give them 10 years doing what they want? I’m at the most common rank in the management levels of government service. I have been more senior and could easily keep going on up, but I’d rather just take it easy and slack off on growing and doing.

I know it sounds like I don’t care, but that isn’t it. I just really like the way the job is at this level. Am I wrong in wanting this?

Done Pushing

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Done Pushing,

No. Just No.

Thoughts and feelings are what they are and simply can’t be wrong. The only thing you can do that’s wrong is take an action you may regret without having carefully consulted your thoughts and feelings.

I tried to shorten your letter but I wanted our readers to get the whole picture. It seems to me that you have done more than your duty to your government by anyone’s standards. You’ve earned the right to create your life exactly the way you want it to be. And just who, I ask, is the arbiter of what anyone has earned or deserves? It also sounds like you do your job well and are satisfied with the compensation, so it is a fair exchange.

Long ago I worked with an opera singer who was immensely gifted and had put in long hours to develop her natural talent. She was on the brink of stardom when she realized that the life and career of an opera star wasn’t what she wanted. She was extremely religious and tortured herself with the thought that because God gave her the gift of an extraordinary voice, she was obligated to use it. At the time, I was specializing in working with creative geniuses, many with the overwhelming problem of having been born with multiple gifts. This includes the singer, who was also good at many other things. So the notion that you are obligated to develop and use your gifts just doesn’t compute when you have entirely too many. It took seeing the world through the eyes of these clients for me to realize a principle that I lean on to this day:

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

And that goes for everyone. Including you.

In the singer’s case, she felt beholden to God. In your case, you feel somehow beholden to your government. I can’t speak for God, obviously, but I will say that his ways are inscrutable and mysterious, so you have to listen to your inner voice and your heart. I say the only debts you owe are to yourself and the people you have made promises to.  It doesn’t sound like you are breaking any promises you made to your employer. And you would not be putting your integrity at risk for failing to accept a promotion.

Let’s face it—growth requires discomfort. Some people love being in a constant state of growth and relish the challenge. Others don’t. You might take a few years off to rest and then get bored and change your mind. Or you might not. It is not for anyone else to judge your choices; not that they won’t (ha ha), but it really makes no material difference to you. You can take the pushy advice lightly, say thank you, and change the subject. No use burning bridges, so keep your options open.

The most miserable, unhappy people I have worked with were almost all in a state where they had created a life that others wanted for them, not one they wanted for themselves. And the higher you go, the harder it is to undo those choices.

So no. You aren’t wrong. You get one life, my friend. Are you going to live it the way you want, or the way others want?

I hope this is helpful.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Our mental health has deteriorated during the pandemic, demanding the attention of leaders and businesses.

Under normal circumstances, one in ten adults in the U.S. have symptoms of depression or anxiety. That number has jumped to four in ten during the pandemic—and that might be conservative. Our data show much higher numbers. In our research surveying over 1,900 people across the globe, more than 60% of respondents reported symptoms of anxiety during the pandemic.

The trouble is, emotions can be contagious. If someone is sad or anxious, we’re likely to catch the feeling and pass it on to others. That’s because our autonomic nervous system—which controls whether we are alert, anxious, or calm—interacts with the same systems in others around us. If you’re close with someone, you may experience a sort of empathic matching, where you automatically pick up on and mimic their emotional state. How sensitive you are to this is often determined by your childhood experiences and the mother-child bond. Consider the above statistics in the context of emotional contagion, and it is easy to conclude that we all have experienced a traumatic event and are experiencing collective grief.

Considering what is happening in the world right now, there’s a good chance that someone on your team is struggling. Here’s how you can help them.

Spot the Warning Signs

If you’ve ever had a mental health challenge or experienced burnout, you’re likely more attuned to the warning signs. People seem more anxious, frustrated, and angry. They may look sad. Or be quiet at work. Or be unable to focus. Or send emails far outside normal business hours.

I remember when one of my managers, someone I cared for very much, sent me an email at 2:00 a.m. I reached out to him to find out if everything was okay. I’ll stop my story here, but the point is that a caring relationship between leaders and their people is mutual. No one wants to feel isolated, regardless of their seniority or place in the food chain. And it can be very isolating to be a leader with a lot of responsibility during a difficult time.

According to Jennifer Moss, author of The Burnout Epidemic, warning signs that someone is experiencing chronic stress and mental illness typically fall into four categories:

1. Changes in work habits such as lack of motivation, errors, difficulty concentrating, or lower productivity
2. Behavior changes including mood volatility, worry, irritability, or restlessness
3. Increased absences from work from someone who is normally punctual
4. Recurring complaints of physical symptoms such as fatigue, headache, abdominal distress, or weight change

Look for the Root Cause

If your employees are experiencing burnout, chances are it’s not their fault. In fact, it may be time to take a hard look at your organization’s culture, practices, and expectations to see if they unintentionally might be adding fuel the fire. The results of this inquiry may humble you.

According to the Maslach Burnout Inventory (MBI), there are six primary causes of burnout:

1. Workload
2. Perceived lack of control
3. Lack of reward or recognition
4. Poor relationships
5. Lack of fairness
6. Values mismatch

How does your company fare in each of these categories? Which of these deficiencies could be affecting your team members? Once you have identified them, determine areas for growth or change. Then take responsibility as a leader and see what you can do to move the needle toward a healthier work environment.

Be a Role Model

One of the first things you can do as a leader is to model behaviors you want your people to adopt. We naturally imitate those in power. You can take advantage of your widespread influence by taking care of yourself and sharing this with your people. By doing this, you give them permission to care for themselves. And that is a wonderful gift.

Be Empathetic

The pandemic has taken a toll on everyone. We have lost loved ones, jobs, income, a sense of community, freedoms, hobbies that gave us joy, and on and on. The list is long and significant. Everyone is hurting to some degree.

Being empathetic at a time like this is powerful. Show genuine concern and forget about achieving an outcome. If someone chooses to share, remember they are bearing their soul and speaking from a place of vulnerability. It’s always essential to treat people with respect, but especially at these moments.

What can you do as a leader? Create safe spaces for your people. Let them know that you’ll keep their confidence and they will always have your respect. We conduct well-being conversations in our Building Resilience program. When people return from their breakout groups, they always say how good it felt to share. They also say it was uplifting to listen and be of service. You can be of great help just by listening.

Create a Safe Environment

People need to feel safe before they will share. That means creating a judgment-free environment. You can do this by first sharing how you are feeling in a team meeting. Your courageous leadership will create a path that others know they can then follow.

You may also want to consider these tips for verbal and non-verbal communication from the Canadian Centre for Occupational Health when initiating conversations around mental health and well-being:  

VERBAL TIPS

• Speak calmly, quietly, and confidently.
• Be aware of how you are delivering your words.
• Focus your attention on the other person to let them know you are interested in what they have to say.
• Use common words. Do not use official language, jargon, or complex terminology.
• Listen carefully. Do not interrupt with unsolicited advice or criticism.

NONVERBAL TIPS

• Use calm body language. Have a relaxed posture with unclenched hands and an attentive expression.
• Position yourself at a right angle to the person, rather than directly in front of them.
• Give the person enough physical space. This distance varies by culture, but normally two to four feet is considered an adequate distance.
• Get on the person’s physical level. If they are seated, try sitting, kneeling, or bending rather than standing over them.
• Pay attention to the person. Do not do anything else at the same time, such as answer phone calls or read e-mails.

Some people may be reluctant to share. My inspiring colleague John Hester has created a list of questions to help get the conversation started. Use these when checking in with someone who looks like they may be struggling.

• How are things going for you?
• How is your family?
• How are you feeling?
• What are you excited about?
• What concerns you?
• How is your connection to the team?
• What do you need more of or less of?
• How can I help?

Whether it’s children, spouses, or parents, everyone has family members they care about and love. Having loved ones is a common denominator that allows you to connect with your people. For example, if you were to ask me how I’m doing, I’d tell you that I’m struggling because my grandfather passed away. I have to process my grief while also supporting my mother, who is mourning the loss of her father.

One trust-building strategy is to start conversations with questions about the person’s family. Then, as they become more comfortable talking, ask them questions about how they are doing. By asking open-ended questions, the person may reveal something important. This also includes positive answers such as something they find inspiring.

Use the Right Style of Leadership

Effective leaders are situational—they provide the right amount of direction or support when a person needs it. Consider the alternatives: micromanaging (which destroys engagement) or hands-off management (which destroys morale).

SLII® is an easy-to-understand, practical framework that enables your managers to diagnose the development level of an employee for a task: D1—Enthusiastic Beginner; D2—Disillusioned Learner; D3—Capable, but Cautious, Contributor; and D4—Self-Reliant Achiever. Managers then use the appropriate directive and supportive behaviors to help them succeed: S1—Directing; S2—Coaching; S3—Supporting; and S4—Delegating.

My students in the Master’s in Executive Leadership program at the University of San Diego come to me elated when they’re able to get on the same page with their people and build a meaningful connection by applying the matching leadership style. Not only does their job as a leader become easier, but their people feel heard and supported, which leads to better engagement, productivity, and progress for the organization.

A good default position is to ask “How can I help?” Such a sincere question will always win the goodwill of the listener.

Leadership in the New Normal

The pandemic has changed us all in some way. We are different as individuals and as a society. We cannot and will not return to old models.

Prevention is better than cure for any well-being challenge—and especially burnout. It is much easier to recognize the warning signs of burnout and take care of ourselves than to recover from it. The key is to build trust with your people and help them thrive again. And that day will come.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP of sales for a US-based fitness and weight loss website that is in hypergrowth. I started with the company about eight years ago and rose through the ranks, figuring things out as I went.

About 18 months ago, my regional counterpart (I was East, he was West) quit suddenly when someone else was promoted to chief sales officer over him. The amount of regional VPs I managed suddenly doubled and I had a new boss. She came from sales operations, has never sold so much as a Girl Scout cookie, and depends on me for everything.

Since she started, my work has been nothing but a slog. In 2021, I got no recognition or appreciation from my new boss when—despite the doubling of my workload and the crazy COVID disruption—we crushed our sales quotas for 2020. This past year, in addition to my ten regular direct reports, I covered for someone who went out on a six-month medical leave. When I asked for a promotion to senior executive VP, my boss couldn’t understand why that mattered to me and denied me the title change. Then just a couple of weeks ago, without any discussion or explanation, she changed my comp plan. I did the math and discovered I essentially got a pay cut.

It seems like the harder I try and the better I do, the less I am making and the less they care about me. I have tried several times to share with my boss what motivates me (title, money), but she doesn’t listen and doesn’t care. I have received no feedback at all on what I might be doing wrong, so it isn’t a performance issue.

I don’t want to leave my people high and dry, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. How do I make the decision to stay or go? I get calls from headhunters all day long, the industry I am in is exploding, and I have an amazing track record. All my friends think I am nuts for staying. What do you think?

Stay or Go?

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stay or Go?

This sounds really hard. It is hard to imagine what your boss is thinking. Why, if you are doing so well, would she be lowering your comp and denying you something (a title) that costs her nothing when it is so clearly important to you?

I guess my question is: What is keeping you where you are? You don’t want to leave your people high and dry—that’s it? You don’t mention how much you love the company, or the product/service you are selling and the difference it makes in the world. That tells me you will probably be much happier in an environment where your boss appreciates your skills, cares about what matters to you, and has the professionalism to manage conversations like a change in comp properly. I mean, seriously, a change in compensation for a sales professional requires delicacy, tact, and lots of negotiation. I am not in sales, but I know something like that shouldn’t just be an announcement.

Is it possible that because you started in the company early and rose up, you feel a strong sense of ownership that is keeping you stuck somewhere you aren’t appreciated?

What if you were to give yourself one last quarter to do your utmost to prepare your team to be as successful as possible without you, then respond to those headhunters and find a company that will recognize your value and treat you better?

I think when everything becomes an uphill battle, your boss sends messages that you don’t matter, and you are asking yourself every day how much longer you can hold on, those are clues that it might be time to go.

Did I miss something? Only you will know.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

If relationships fail and one decides to pivot away from a toxic organization or situation, what is the best way to tell that story in a job interview?      

For example, I may be asked “Why did you leave that company?” My true feeling is it was all about the toxic culture. The objective truth might be more likely that I failed—ran out of patience, failed to make breakthroughs in those relationships, etc. Ultimately, it was a personal decision to leave based on my mental, emotional, and professional health and career choice. 

What do you think?

Preparing for My Next Step

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Preparing for My Next Step,

First, congratulations for having the guts to jump ship. So many just suck it up and stay miserable. It takes real courage to recognize an intractable situation and do what is needed to take care of yourself.

I consulted our Trust expert and coauthor of the just-published book Simple Truths of Leadership (with Ken Blanchard), Randy Conley, on this one. He says:

“I’d encourage you to be honest in a respectful way that doesn’t disparage your former employer or boss. I’ve conducted hundreds of interviews and have heard the good, bad, and ugly from people sharing reasons for leaving a past employer. The people who impressed me the most have been those whose integrity shined through in the way they explained their departure.

“A good way to get the message across is by using ‘I’ language to take ownership of your decision to leave, while clearly and diplomatically explaining that there was a misalignment between your values and theirs or the culture didn’t provide the type of environment in which you could flourish.

“Yours is a very common reason why people leave jobs, so I wouldn’t get too self-conscious about discussing it in a respectful and professional manner. Remember, your response shapes your reputation.”

I really can’t say it better than that. The only thing I would add is that it might be a good idea to prepare in advance some brief concise remarks about what you are looking for in the culture of your next job. Also, maybe add a little more detail about what you learned about yourself from the experience and what you might do differently in the future should you run into a similar bind. Your last gig made you hyper aware of what you don’t want, so how exactly can you use that experience to define what you do want? And if you are ready to own your part in having to leave, how might you apply that knowledge to build stronger relationships in your next job?

That will keep things on a lighter note—a positive vision of the future is always attractive. And you are ready for the inevitable behavioral interview question: “How might you deal with a perceived lack of values alignment in the future?” It will also assist your interviewer in assessing culture fit for your next potential opportunities.

Both Randy and I wish you the best of luck finding the exact right spot for your next career chapter.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have always really liked my job even though the workload is oversized and the hours are long. I provide expert advice and coaching around diet and weight management in a community medical clinic. I have a master’s degree in nutrition and am a registered dietitian. We are government funded and located in an under-resourced community so I know I am providing a much-needed service, which makes me feel good.

About nine months ago I got a new boss. Her voice is weirdly high pitched and grating and all she does is find fault, but I thought I would give her a chance. To be fair, under my last boss (who was super nice) things weren’t very well run, so I thought it would be good to get a fresh perspective.

I have very high professional standards. I am always up on the latest research, always on time, and go the extra mile. I have taken classes that I have paid for myself to get better at communicating. (People get defensive about health and weight—it is a tricky topic.) I complete all of my paperwork on time and have never had a complaint.

My new boss criticizes everything I do and seems to try to make me feel terrible in small and large ways. If I arrive early or work late, she says something like “well, I guess you have no life.” If I help a patient apply for extra services (which they always need), she dings me for putting extra pressure on the system or hogging resources.

She comments on my looks, my clothes, and the age of my car. I am always neat and clean and have tried to always look professional but not overdo it. (This isn’t hard—I have no discretionary cash in this job and am a single mom of two.) I know I am petite and have been told I’m pretty. She calls me a “beauty queen” if I wear a little bit of a heel, and a “preppie” if I wear a button-down shirt.

I find myself second-guessing my perfectly reasonable work clothes and feeling panicky when I get dressed in the morning. It feels personal—except she pretty much does the same thing to everyone else.

I have tried asking her if she is unsatisfied with my work and how I might improve, to which she replies that I am too needy for always seeking positive feedback. I wish I were the kind of person who could draw a boundary, but the way she behaves is so erratic, and sometimes outlandish, that the only thing I can think of to say is “leave me alone!”

I am shy, introverted, and would pretty much rather die than confront anyone. I live in a state of dread and I hate going to work now. This bullying combined with the low pay and long hours is making me think it isn’t worth it. I am at a loss. Is it me? Help!

Dread Going to Work

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dread Going to Work,

Yuck. What a bummer. I can feel your dread.

One has to wonder, does your new boss want you to quit? Or is she simply oblivious to how her petty, nasty, mean-spirited way of going about her day affects people? She is probably one of those people who tells their children they are stupid, bad, and ugly. In my years living in New York City and riding the subway everywhere, I was astonished at the way people talked to each other and corrected their kids. One can only assume she was raised in a family of people for whom it was normal to belittle and criticize.

It is possible she is tough and thinks she is funny, and what feel like jabs to you are her idea of relating. I actually know someone—a smart, competent guy who runs his own business—and his way of connecting to his employees is to walk around flicking them on the arm, on the back, on their heads. I really do mean flicking, as in he uses his thumb as resistance to propel his index finger to produce a sharp little tap. He told me that is how he connects to his people at work!

My point here is that you just can’t really know what people are thinking unless you raise the issue. It’ll be hard, but I encourage you to draw a boundary. To do that, you would have to think through all of the things she does that are out of bounds and prepare for the next time she pokes you verbally. Practice saying things out loud so you are ready. Examples might be:

• Please don’t comment on the way I dress, it makes me feel self-conscious.
• Please don’t tease me about my car, it runs well, and a new one isn’t in the budget.
• It is my understanding that part of my job is to help patients access the resources they need. If that isn’t the case, please help me understand how the policy has changed.
• Please don’t speak to me that way.

Of course, when you feel ready for anything she might do, she will probably do something unexpected—or she might just pile on the meanness. So this may not be your best option.  

You might think about escalating. Maybe chat with your co-workers and bring a formal complaint as a group to your boss’s boss. Best case scenario, she hears the feedback and tries to improve or gets fired. Worst case scenario, she gets a reprimand and then comes back and is way worse.

If you really feel that you can’t take it anymore, and you don’t feel you have it in you to defend yourself, your next option is to get out. With your qualifications, I’ll bet you could get a job coaching for one of the many online weight loss/wellness companies that are popping up like crazy. And they all need qualified professionals. All the coaches work from home, so you wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear or anyone paying attention to your car. It’s a thought. There are also, I’m sure, many other clinics where you might do the kind of work you are doing now. It does sound like you get a great deal of satisfaction helping the underserved who so need your care.

I think dread, like many of the uncomfortable feelings, is a great gift in that it tells you something or someone is more awful than you have admitted to yourself. So your facing this situation head-on is a good first step. Now you are going to have to decide just what you will do to take care of yourself.

You wouldn’t be the first person to leave a job because of a hideous boss. It happens all the time. You can tell who the worst bosses are because they are always complaining about how hard it is to keep good employees.

It is up to you, DGtW. It sounds to me like there may be a really nice boss out there who will feel lucky to have you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a veteran employee of a large, very healthy organization. I like the company and my co-workers. I’ve had plenty of advancement opportunities and I think my comp package is fair.

I have been managing people for a long time and feel that I am skilled. I am not just tooting my own horn—I get great feedback from my people and my boss is happy with my work. I would go so far as to say that I have had a fantastic career. I only have a few years left before I retire, which I look forward to—lots of grandkids to take fishing, golf, hiking, volunteer work for my local homeless shelter—and really thought I would stay here until I retire.

However, I get calls from headhunters. All the time. I get emails, voice mails, and now, somehow, they have my cell number so I have stopped picking up numbers I don’t recognize. I did have one conversation with someone who tried to convince me that I could have a shot at a senior executive position and a lot more money if I were to consider going elsewhere.

My wife thinks I am nuts not to explore the possibilities, but it feels like Pandora’s box to me. I like things the way they are. What would be the point of starting over someplace new? But then I worry that I might regret it if I don’t at least take a look at what’s being offered.

If it Ain’t Broke

________________________________________________________________________

Dear If it Ain’t Broke,

Don’t fix it.

Sorry you handed that to me on a silver platter. But seriously, don’t.

There are two questions here:

1. What is driving your wife’s agenda? Has she told you that you seem bored? Unengaged? Frustrated with your management team? Does she want you to make a lot more money? Perhaps she is bored with her own life and hopes that your making a big change will be entertaining? Does she resent, perhaps, that you don’t get enough time off to hang out with her? (Not that starting a new job will alleviate that!) The sooner you learn what is at the root of your wife’s opinion that you should turn your wonderful work life upside down, the better. There might be something to learn there.
2. If you were to stay where you are, what would you regret? Regret is yucky. Because it is wishing you could change the past, which is impossible. Do you judge yourself because you were once more ambitious? Did you once have dreams that you abandoned because of responsibilities? Would you be able to realize those dreams in a different company? Have you always wanted to be on an executive team or be the boss of everyone? If that is the case, you might want to go for it.

But what you really don’t want is to make a big leap to start over someplace else, only to find that you miss what you had. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants?

As a coach, I have a duty to help people get crystal clear about their values (what is most important to them), their needs (what they must have to fire on all cylinders), and their wants. In that order. For people to feel most fulfilled, they need first to be in an environment that feels aligned with their values, and then they must get their core psychological needs met. After that, they can use whatever time and energy they have left to get (or do) what they want. Anytime a person shakes up their environment, they must spend enormous brain power and energy stabilizing in a new system. This is why moving houses feels like a such a big deal. Moving jobs is even more of a big deal.

Moving jobs makes sense when you:

• can’t use your strengths,
• can’t change or grow,
• are crushed by political mayhem,
• hate what you are doing,
• hate the people you work with,
• are bored to tears,
• have too much responsibility without the autonomy or authority to use your own judgment, or
• have a fundamental problem with what the company does.

Moving jobs does not make sense to you for a reason; from your letter, it sounds like several reasons. Unless as you read this you get a flood of good reasons to move that you hadn’t thought of, I say enjoy the next few years where you are.

Have the conversation with your wife, though. You might uncover something she really wants that is causing her to push you. Then you can build a plan to help her get what she wants and let go of this conversation.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the director of HR who was hired by an early start-up to rebuild the talent team. In the past four months, I have been creating a new team of seven and working to get them up and running. This is a total overhaul of the team, including re-defining of processes, tools, and structure.

One of the direct reports I hired, “Alex,” was positioned to be the most experienced team member. We set expectations during his interview about the team restructure situation. But since he came on board, Alex has made it clear he sees the rebuild as a weakness of my leadership. His priorities for team collaboration and execution are very different from mine. For the last three months, I’ve had to constantly remind him about what we need to focus on for our quarterly goals.

Alex is also going behind my back and creating chaos both within the new team and with cross functional stakeholders. All our weekly one-on-one meetings are about how other team members come to him with complaints and challenges. I’m very close to the rest of the team; I am a hands-on manager ready to help and I have my finger on the pulse of where the challenges are. My direct boss is in the loop. I have asked for feedback from my team and other stakeholders and have found Alex’s comments to be false.

Now he is saying someone on our team told him they wish he could be their manager. He recently told my direct boss that I’m not good at building new things. And he intentionally removes me from important conversations, which creates confusion.

I am ready to part ways, but he just showed his first success in his role. I am conflicted. He is someone I can’t trust—in fact, I feel bullied. Most important, he clearly doesn’t believe in my leadership or the direction in which I am taking the team.

I am not a new manager, but this is the first time I have experienced this kind of behavior. Is it wrong for me to let him go?

Hurt, Worried, and Conflicted

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Hurt, Worried and Conflicted,

I had to move this one to the top of my queue. Your letter literally kept me up the last two nights because it is so obvious to me that you are at risk. I got so upset on your behalf, I had my husband read your letter as a reality check. He agrees that you are being intentionally undermined. We have a code word we use when we see this kind of situation—it is the name of someone who wreaked havoc in our small start-up back in the day.

Let’s start with this: Get rid of Alex. Today.

Only a completely decent, lovely human being would find themselves in this position. You are clearly a really nice person who takes full responsibility for her own actions, is eager to learn from mistakes, seeks and acts on feedback to improve, and works overtime to build a culture of inclusion. You would never in a million years behave the way Alex is behaving, so you just don’t see it. Instead, you give the benefit of the doubt, look for reasons to justify behaviors, and continue to look for the best in everyone—even someone who is plainly gunning for your job by gaslighting you and undermining you with your team members.

That’s what Alex is counting on. Your great gifts of building a coalition and allowing others to shine has a dark side. He knows it and is using it to his advantage. Psychopaths are brilliant at finding people’s weak spots—in your case, your geniality—and using them to suit their own purposes. You haven’t seen this before because it is rare, weird behavior. (Psychopaths make up a very small percentage of the population.) Anyone who hasn’t encountered this behavior before almost always attempts to normalize it, which is what you are doing. But it isn’t normal and it isn’t okay. Do not be fooled or allow yourself to be manipulated for one more minute.

I hope you don’t think I am a terrible cynic. I really am not. I have just experienced this before, and I have seen how entire teams of well intentioned, psychologically stable people can be decimated by one very smart, often charming, crazy person.

Stop feeling hurt and get angry instead. Stop worrying about all of this extra noise and static and simply turn it off. There is NO CONFLICT here. The only question is: how fast can you cut this guy loose and recover from the damage he has done?

Whew. Okay. I just had to get that off my chest.

Thank you for writing to me; I deeply value your vote of confidence. I hope this isn’t too harsh or too direct. I feel strongly that you must stand up for yourself, the hard work you have already done, and the future of your new company right this minute.

And don’t beat yourself up. It is deeply messed up to use a person’s best qualities against them, and you just weren’t prepared for it. And please don’t let this make you bitter—the good news is it may never happen to you again. But if it does, you’ll be ready.

Keep me posted so I know you are okay.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a small not for profit.  We are past the startup phase and we were hitting a stride, but then we had some big setbacks before our big summer season and all my people are melting down. I spend my day moving from crisis to crisis (in between talking people off the ledge).

I have been super busy getting us more help, but the new people need to get up to speed and it takes time.  I find myself snapping at colleagues and family members, and some days I just feel like walking away. 

I keep thinking, “I just have to get through this week,” but then the hard weeks just keep on coming.

How do other leaders do it?  There must be a way to manage this much stress. 

Burnt to a Crisp

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Burnt to a Crisp,

When my daughter was in high school, she was talking with one her teachers about “getting through” a difficult patch and her teacher said, “Don’t wish your life away.” That really stayed with both of us. We still bring it up and remind ourselves when one of us is in the state you are describing. 

There always seems to be a fantasy that it’s going to get better—conditions will lighten up, things will go more smoothly, and problems will become easier to solve. 

But life just doesn’t work that way.  Okay, to be fair, I do know some people who have retired and do, as they like to quote, “whatever they want, whenever they want, all the time.”  But it isn’t going to help you to just try to hold your breath until you retire.  Anyone who is focused on achieving a goal—and yours sounds like a big one—is going to find themselves up against it on a regular basis.  It goes with the territory. And don’t think I am going to advise you about work/life balance. Forget about work/life balance. There is no such thing. That’s just another weapon for overachievers to beat themselves up with. 

What you need is your own Personal Sustainability Program. To build your own personal program, you can choose from some of these options, and any others that our readers might share in the comments.

• Cry Uncle: When there is simply too much to do—on your own list or one of your people’s—decide what isn’t as urgent as all the other stuff.  What can wait until tomorrow or next week? Defer tasks that can be deferred, even it inconveniences or disappoints someone.  Make sure to communicate if a commitment is being broken, to manage expectations.  People—all people, including you—can only do so much and no more. 
• Get Support: Talk to your family and ask for grace when you are snappy.  Ask for more help from them if they can give it.  Hire a coach, call a board member, and hit up your best friends so you can vent and problem solve in a safe space. 
• Take Care of Yourself First: Find the one thing that you know will keep you on an even keel and do it come hell or high water.  Your dance class, yoga, meditation, walking, listening to music, playing golf, whatever it is that will keep your head from blowing off.  Experiment with how much of it you need to stay stable—maybe it is two times a week, maybe it is seven times.  Whatever it is, make it non-negotiable.  I learned early on that hardcore exercise was my antidote to anxiety and I never don’t do it.  When my son was about three, he would stand at the window with tears streaming down his face every time I left the house to go my exercise class.  I felt like a terrible mother but also knew I would actually be a terrible mother without the class.  So off I went.  He is 29 today and doesn’t appear to have sustained too much psychological damage.  One of the industry’s finest coaches, Shirley Anderson—who was my coach for four critical years when I was getting my first coaching business off the ground—coined the term “extreme self-care.”  It is extreme not because it takes so much time or involves anything crazy, but because just the concept of taking care of oneself so one can take proper care of others can feel so extremely counterintuitive.
• Practice Mindfulness: Stress is a habit.  Treating everything like a crisis becomes habitual.  Cut it out.  Practicing mindfulness can help. It isn’t that complicated. It just means being curious and paying attention to our own thoughts and emotions without judgment.  For example, when you are feeling spun up, you might notice it and think, Hmm, isn’t that interesting, I am getting more and more anxious. I wonder what is going on.  Noticing when you are reacting to something in a way that doesn’t really make sense is a good first step toward mindfulness. 
• Breathe: There is amazing new research that shows that just taking deep breaths may feel good, but it doesn’t actually calm the nervous system down.  There is a very straightforward, simple way to do that with breathing, though.  It is called Two to One Breathing. You simply breathe in for three counts, hold for one count, and release the breath on a six count.  Repeat.  Or you can do two and four counts—whatever works for you.  I have been experimenting with it, and it really works!  One client mentioned that one of her regular meetings starts with that kind of breathing. Everyone feels better, and the meetings are more productive as a result. You might try doing it with your people when they are stressing out.
• Get Perspective: When all else fails, you can remind yourself that this too shall pass, things will calm down, people will stabilize, and no one will die today because you didn’t get to everything on your list. 

I am pretty sure I am not telling you anything you don’t already know, but, as with many things, there can be a big gap between knowing and doing. A wonderful coaching question to ask yourself might be: whose permission do you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself?  I hope the question makes you smile, because you know who the boss is, and whose permission you need.

So, give yourself permission to be a human being and choose one thing—just one—to commit to, and do it.  I guarantee that you will notice a big difference in your ability to manage the stress, the crisis, and the constant busyness. 

Breathe. Three counts in, hold one, six counts out. 

You’ve got this.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a scrappy startup that offers a system for weight loss and coaching. It’s for folks who need extra help losing and maintaining their weight and who want a healthier lifestyle. All of the interaction is over text, with some notes being automated to offer specific messages at different points in the program. The service is good, we are helping a lot of people, and I am proud of what we do.

I manage a team of 20 coaches. All have been carefully selected and have received a ton of training. My problem is the owners of the company are constantly trying to cut costs. They keep making decisions that impact the quality of the service and cause my coaches to have to work far more hours than they are supposed to. They are paid by the hour and aren’t paid overtime—but it isn’t humanly possible for them to do what they are supposed to do in the allotted time.

The owners don’t share the financials with us, but I can do math, so I have a sense of what is going on. It is clear they are making bad decisions to amplify profits.

The most recent situation is a perfect example. Several of my coaches put in for and were confirmed for time off this summer, but the plan that has been put into place is absurd: When coaches take vacation, they are not tell any of their clients. The automated messages will go out and when individuals do interact by text, a back-up team will handle all communication. The idea was fine, but it turns out that vacations weren’t coordinated between team leaders so we have a lot of coaches out at the same time. The back-up team is far too small—and some of them, it turns out, work only part time.

My coaches who are on vacation are freaking out. They are getting messages from clients who are upset that no one has replied to them. Some are jumping in and doing the work because they are worried their clients will complain about them and they will get bad reviews or even lose their jobs. I have raised the issue with the owners, who, true to form, seem unconcerned.

Some of our coaching is about having good boundaries and taking care of oneself so stress and resentment don’t turn into emotional or stress eating. It is really bothering me that my coaches aren’t getting their vacation time.

I don’t believe the owners of this company really care about our customers or our employees. I feel like a hypocrite continuing to work here. I would appreciate your view on this.

Stressing

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stressing,

Of course, I do have a view on this. But, honestly, you could just read your own letter out loud to yourself and have all the answers you need.

I don’t fault the owners for wanting to make money—that is the point of being in business, after all. However, the problem here is that if they keep up the corner cutting, they won’t be in business much longer. The weight loss/wellness space is exploding and the competition is brutal. The only way to survive is to be better than the other companies. Lying to customers (!), taking advantage of employees, and poor planning do not bode well for long-term success. Feeling hypocritical is fair—and unpleasant. But lack of confidence in the management of the company might be an even bigger concern.

I’ll bet you could find another similar job elsewhere, with an employer that values their people and has figured out how to run their business. You would be a role model for being proactive, having integrity, and taking care of yourself.

As you look around for another gig, of course, do try to talk to your employers. I imagine they will lose customers just from this last vacation debacle, and maybe they will pay attention to the holes in the systems once the dust settles from this mess.

Honor your instincts that something is wrong in the business, and that you know unsustainable business practices when you see them.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

For years, Victoria Labalme thought she couldn’t succeed without a clear plan. She made choices along the way that were not typical but felt right to her. Even when she felt like she was falling behind, she kept pursuing what interested her. One day, out of nowhere, she received a call that changed the course of her life. Looking back, she realized that the times she had started a project, trip, or dream without having a plan or an expected outcome were the times she had the best results—because she had kept moving forward, not knowing where things would lead. Those times led to her ultimate success.

In her new book, Risk Forward: Embrace the Unknown and Unlock your Hidden Genius, Labalme shares strategies that will help you, too, move through uncertainty and achieve success you wouldn’t have thought possible.

Labalme presents these strategies, developed through 25 years of performance coaching, in a unique, easy to read format. She encourages you to use Risk Forward as a guidebook and focus on whatever thought-provoking activities stimulate you to action. It isn’t a book that needs to be read from front to back. You can open it to any page and be enticed with an exercise to challenge your thinking and help you identify possibilities you otherwise might not have considered.

Labalme shares the most important question you must ask yourself to identify what really matters. She also offers four insights to help you find your way and three questions to ask when you need advice.  With chapter titles like Embrace the Fog, Begin from Within, and Honor Your Instincts, this book will have you looking at opportunities with a brand new mindset.

Risk Forward is filled with real-life stories along with practical tips and tools to help you put your talents to work and chart your own path to success. If you’re ready to do the work, this book is for you. To quote the author: “Some people in life know exactly what they want to achieve. This is a book for the rest of us.”

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Victoria Labalme, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. 

For more information about Victoria Labalme, go to www.riskforward.com/book or www.victorialabalme.com

It’s hard to believe it’s been more than a year since the world was blindsided by a global pandemic. Millions of people are mourning losses due to COVID-19: family members, friends, and colleagues who have died; businesses and jobs that have been lost; savings accounts that have been depleted. Almost everyone has experienced some form of loss, whether it’s canceled weddings, graduations, and family events, or not being able to visit relatives—or even hug friends.

Acknowledging the worst parts of the past year is difficult and necessary. But it’s also important to see the upside of how things have changed from the way they were a year ago.

The Marvels of Video Conferencing

The past year was a turning point in the way much of the world does business. We had no choice at first—businesses were shut down, people were quarantined at home, and nobody was flying, so we needed to get more familiar with meeting online. The technology was already there; we only had to jump on and ride!

I love being able to sit down and get on a Zoom call today instead of packing a suitcase and getting on a plane. Walking downstairs is a great way to commute! I can talk with hundreds of people at once without leaving my chair. I’m available to drop in on training sessions to chat with participants whenever I’m asked. If a salesperson has a client who might want to meet me, I can sit in on a meeting with the CEO or the whole leadership team. Last week I was in a meeting with a salesperson in England and a client in Ireland. The next day I was on with one person in Italy and one in South Africa! I can spread myself around so much more efficiently now, which helps our sales team, serves our clients and our learners, and doesn’t require me to travel beyond my home office. That’s a win-win-win.

Because so many of the folks in our company work remotely now, our teams can meet more often because it’s much easier to get everyone together virtually. I’m seeing and getting to know people who work with us that I’ve never had a chance to meet—and they are getting to know each other better, too.

Of course, moderation is in order even with this miraculous technology. As the months have gone by, we’ve been hearing more about “Zoom fatigue,” where people get burned out by back-to-back video meetings. I like the solution of scheduling meetings for 45 minutes, not 60, so you aren’t logging into one meeting right after another. If you combine this approach with microbreaks, it could go a long way toward combating Zoom fatigue.

Even if it’s not yet a perfect science, video conferencing seems to be the best way to go for many organizations right now—and I’m not sure that will change anytime soon.

The Virtual One Minute Manager

The same technology that enables you to meet with clients and teams can be used to manage your direct reports. This is especially helpful if you’re not in an office and able to practice “Management By Wandering Around”—a technique originated by the Hewlett-Packard Company in the 1970s. When Spencer Johnson and I wrote The One Minute Manager^®in 1981, we made the practice one of our title character’s management habits, although we never used the phrase. In our original book, the One Minute Manager “never seemed to be very far away” from his people, so he could observe their behavior face to face and catch them doing things right. In 2015 when we wrote the updated edition titled The New One Minute Manager^®, we acknowledged the fact that managers were no longer always in the same place as their people. And since the advent of COVID-19, of course, remote workers are far more common.

So, what’s the virtual equivalent of Management By Wandering Around? As a manager, make sure you set One Minute Goals with your direct report so you’re both clear on expectations. Stay informed on data and performance relating to those goals, and regularly schedule virtual one-on-one meetings with them. When your direct report does something right, call the person or schedule a quick Zoom meeting to give a One Minute Praising. If you notice them moving in the wrong direction, use the same method to contact the person and help them get back on track with a One Minute Re-Direct.

The Upside of COVID-19 on Home Life

At the time I am writing this, the United States and many other countries are moving quickly toward vaccinating people as soon as possible. My wife, Margie, and I feel relieved that we have had both of our vaccinations. We are eagerly looking forward to the day when we can once again open our offices to our colleagues, have friends and family visit us at our house, and do what I miss the most—hug people. Like most others, we have had to give up some enjoyable parts of our lives to stay safe. Yet we’ve been appreciating the simple pleasures around us. Here are some examples:

Bonding with pets. Margie and I have noticed over the years that our little dog, Joy, has always seemed happiest when we’ve taken time off from traveling. She just loves it when we are home with her. You may guess that Joy has been ecstatic for more than a year now. She is also a big clown and can always cheer us up when we start feeling down. If you are a dog lover, you know how therapeutic dogs can be. Last year when people realized quarantine was going to go on for a while, there was a surge of adoptions at shelters all over the country. So many people were adopting pets that a lot of shelters ran out—I remember the news reports showing all the empty cages. It was a beautiful sight.

Watching movies. We’ve been having a lot of fun watching old movies—some favorites we had already seen several times and some new ones recommended by friends. It’s an enjoyable way to spend time together, whether the movies are good or bad.

Enjoying socially distant, outdoor gatherings. Last summer our neighborhood held a socially distant “block party.” We all brought our own chairs, food, and drinks. We wore masks, sat at least six feet apart, and had interesting conversations. Even at a distance and with masks on it was wonderful to see our neighbors and even meet a few new folks. We are looking forward to doing it again now that spring is here.

Appreciating the great outdoors.  Margie and I have been getting outdoors more often—walking with our dog, Joy, or golfing almost every week at our local Par 3 course. Anything that can get you out of the house and into the fresh air is a good thing. Going for a walk is good mental and physical therapy and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Practicing Kindness and Gratitude

The pandemic isn’t over, and we’ll all need patience until it is. One way to cope is to focus on the good that’s come out of this challenging year—not an easy task. As author and philosopher Eric Hoffer wrote: “The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”

Meanwhile, let’s be kind to everyone we encounter. We don’t know what they may have gone through in the past year—or what they may be going through now. Let’s keep sending out thoughts and prayers to people we love and continue reaching out to help others who have suffered great losses or illness and are still hurting. And let’s not forget to be grateful for the blessings in our lives.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager. I like my company, I like my job, and I like my team. I have always received good performance reviews and my boss thinks I can do no wrong. I feel lucky, all things considered—this past year was as challenging for our company as it was for others, but we are doing okay.

My problem is that lately I’ve been flying off the handle. Things will be going fine, then something will set me off and the next thing you know I’m saying things I know I’ll regret. For example, one of my employees has a whiny voice that grates on my nerves and it is everything I can do to be civil with her. This kind of thing has been happening more and more, and after each time I promise myself not to let it happen again— but then, out of nowhere, it does.

No one has said anything yet but I can tell that my team members are nervous around me now, which also puts me on edge. I have to find a way to get control of this but I don’t know where to start.

What’s wrong with me?

Flying Off the Handle

________________________________________________________

Dear Flying Off the Handle,

Something is wrong. Something is very wrong, and your brain knows it and wants you to pay attention. I want you to pay attention.

I appreciate that you have the self-awareness to notice that something is seriously out of whack and you must get to the bottom of it. Without more information, it is almost impossible for me to provide intelligent input. I started to cover all of the possibilities, but when my answer got way too long, I created a picture to sum it all up:

Here are the possibilities I see—from 1 (which should be a fairly simple fix) to 7 (which could be very serious).

1. Tolerations

A toleration is a teeny thing you are putting up with. One or two are fine—but when they start to accumulate, they can become a huge drain on your energy. Think of a toleration as a little pebble. One pebble in your pocket is not a problem. Even five would be fine. But twenty-five or more would cause a real issue.

The first step in eliminating tolerations is to name them. Write out all the things you are putting up with at work. Think of as many as you can. Write quickly. Aim for twenty-five. Start with your old laptop, your phone battery that is dying too quickly, your squeaky office chair, your cat who keeps napping on your keyboard and leaving cat fur everywhere, your outdated software that keeps reminding you to update, colleagues who don’t respond to emails, resources that get allocated to other people. Tolerations are usually things that, on their own, are not large enough to require your immediate attention—but they bug you just the same.

Next, triage and organize. Review your list and identify what you can change and what you can’t. Remember: listing what you are putting up with doesn’t make you a whiner; it’s actually the beginning of the process of eliminating the things that drain you and keep you from focusing on what is really important.

Then, take action. The power of tolerations comes from their buildup and their subsequent removal. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your state of mind is to literally change a light bulb in the hallway, clean out your email inbox, or go buy a longer phone charging cord. Dealing with tolerations has a magical way of putting a spring back in your step so you can get back to the business you most need to focus on. You can read more on Tolerations here.

2. Denial

Something has changed in your life and you’re pretending it’s OK when, in fact, it isn’t.

So what has changed? Anything? Have you moved your home? Separated from your spouse? Lost a beloved dog? Sent a kid off to college? Are you having an argument with a neighbor? Here is a link to a questionnaire to help you to assess potential changes you might be dealing with and their impact on stress levels.

If that’s not it, maybe something is going wrong at work that you’re in denial about.

What you’re describing was defined by Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking work Emotional Intelligence as an Amygdala Hijack. Essentially, it means that your pre-frontal cortex, the seat of judgment and self-regulation in your brain, has been overwhelmed and your limbic system has taken over with a fight-or-flight response. Do you somehow feel threatened? Maybe you have an enemy at work who is bullying you. Something is shorting your brain out or something new is “triggering” you. (I am not a fan of that word, but in this case, it could be apt.) Maybe you have been letting your team get away with bad behavior and you are finally sick of it. Maybe the whiny-voiced employee is actually whining, and you need to tell her to cut it out. If nothing is coming to mind, make a quick list of everything you are putting up with at work and see if something surprises you.

3. Emotional Illiteracy

Don’t be offended—I don’t mean to insult you. If you were to diagnose yourself as being emotionally illiterate, you wouldn’t be alone. One of my many coaches, Paul Cutright, always says: “People are never upset for the reason they think they are.” Most of us vaguely know when something is upsetting us but often have no idea exactly what it is, why it is upsetting, or, for that matter, which specific unpleasant emotion we are feeling. I have a personal theory that men, in particular, interpret all unpleasant emotions as anger and that is how those emotions get expressed. But the emotion could actually be concern, fear, uncertainty, hurt feelings, umbrage, exclusion, sadness. Personally, I often have no idea I am upset until I find myself being testy with someone who has done nothing to deserve my ire. I’ll have to go for a walk or do some writing to figure it out.

Susan David has done wonderful work on what she calls Emotional Agility. Her research supports the concept that the more we do the work to both understand what we are feeling and label it accurately, the better able we will be to express it and defuse the power of it. She offers all of her talks as well as a very cool quiz on her website. I suspect this might make a difference for you.

4. Lack of Self Care

I mentioned the pre-frontal cortex (PFC) earlier. It can easily become overwhelmed and then your limbic system has to take over. All of your ability to self-regulate and choose a response, rather than simply react, is managed by your PFC. The PFC is a resource hog, it needs a constant supply of glucose, rest, sleep, exercise, and hydration. If you have too much going on, are making too many decisions, aren’t taking proper breaks, aren’t eating so your blood sugar is too low, aren’t sleeping enough, or are otherwise failing to take care of yourself, your brain will start to show the wear and tear.

Have your regular self-care routines been interrupted? Have you had to miss your regular run or workout? Have you been skipping meals? Up all night worrying about climate change? Cut it out. Nobody is winning if you are off your game.

5. Burnout

Causes of burnout are varied and there is a disagreement about what it really is. It can be hard to pinpoint. Common causes are boredom, too much responsibility without corresponding authority, lack of autonomy, or no opportunity to achieve mastery.

It sounds like you have been doing the same job for a long time. Maybe you are bored. Boredom can creep up on you—this can be subtle because most people resist the truth. The thinking goes: “Things are going great, why mess with a good thing?” When was the last time you were challenged?

Or maybe you are just exhausted. If that’s the case, you are going to have to take a big step back and engage in some seriously extreme self-care. By this I mean take a vacation. Have you used your vacation time? Have you been having any fun at all?

6. Extreme Stress

This could be a combination of denial and emotional illiteracy supported by a culture that supports keeping a stiff upper lip and not complaining when things get hard.

I once worked with a client who was feeling apathetic about pretty much everything. About two months into the coaching, he casually mentioned that his partner had passed away four months back. I was stunned. Of course, it all made sense—the poor guy was grieving! When I said as much, he said “Oh no, that can’t be it; I had known for a long time that he was going to die so it wasn’t a surprise. I’m over it.” Hmmm. No. I understand that no one wants to wallow or feel sorry for themselves, but come on. We are all human, and we all have to process a lot of thoughts and feelings about big life events. Grieving, especially, is wildly misunderstood in Western culture and can deeply affect people for years. Take this stress assessment and see whether you are, indeed, dealing with extreme stress. The crazy thing is that even really positive events like a promotion, a financial windfall, or getting married can be highly stressful.

And let us not forget that we are all living in a period of plague and civil unrest that might be affecting you more than you are admitting to yourself. 

7. Medical Issue

I Googled around (which I don’t recommend unless you need to get nervous enough to get your butt into the doctor—in which case, be my guest). It is possible that you have some kind of health problem that is subtle but is wearing you down. If none of the above possibilities resonates, it would be smart to make a doctor’s appointment and get a full physical. Best case, you’ll get a full physical and find out you are in perfect health but just have a lot of tolerations. Worst case, you’ll find out something is wrong and catch it early, which can only be good.

As you embark on this journey of self-examination and reflection, you will probably be impatient with what feels like navel gazing. But the fact is, that is what is required of you now. When you are watching yourself behave in ways you don’t condone or understand, you must figure it out before it gets worse and causes a real problem. Talk to a close friend or your partner. Take a long walk and pretend you are being interviewed about your life. Pray if that’s your thing. Write it all down if that’s better for you. Just start to express what is in your heart. I am hoping that, with the structure I’ve laid out, you will stumble over what is going on.

In the meantime, I’d recommend you talk to your whole team about this. Just get the elephant in the room right out in the open. Tell them you have noticed that you have been unusually volatile and you are working to understand why and to manage the behavior. And it isn’t personal.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Don’t put your head in the sand now—get on it and stay on it. You’ll be so glad you did.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been reflecting on 2020 and have just read the document with my goals for the year. I may laugh someday, but right now I am sad and demoralized. I accomplished literally not one single goal I had set for myself in 2020.

I wanted to lose some weight and get in shape. Nope. I joined a gym around the time of the shutdown and was so gung-ho that I paid for the whole year up front. Who knows what happened to that money?

A couple of my goals required money, which I am making a lot less of now than I was a year ago.

I had some developmental activity goals for my kids, but now I am just glad they are still alive after being quarantined at home, with me trying to work and them doing online school.

My partner and I had big plans for a romantic vacation—that’s off the table now.

I am thinking of just letting myself off the hook for 2021. Do you think that is a bad idea? Or is it smart? I really feel like just…

Giving In             

__________________________________________________________

Dear Giving In,

I found my goals, too! But I did laugh, because I am in pretty much the same boat as you and I have already cried a lot.

So here’s the thing, Giving In. Think about all the stuff you did accomplish that you hadn’t planned on achieving at all: You still have a job! You haven’t hurt your children! You and your partner are still together! These are all massive wins, my friend. If you had seen what was coming and your only goal had been to survive it, you would be feeling pretty great about your goal setting right now. So I think you must let yourself off the hook for 2020—you and the rest of the world.

Now, what about 2021? I say don’t give in, because here is what we know about goals: under normal circumstances people who set goals and write them down simply achieve more than those who don’t.

But the wisdom of good goal setting also tells us that our goals have to be realistic. I’ve always seen good results—for myself, my teams, and my clients—when goals are a bit of a stretch, but not ridiculous. We never really know what the future will bring, so you can only set goals with your current reality in mind. Ask yourself: what does my heart long for that I could take some steps toward right now? Find something you can actually do with just a little focus and the support of your partner, friends, colleagues, and kids. Maybe it’s a fitness routine you can do at home. I got through this year using Aaptive, an app that offers all kinds of workouts for folks at all levels. Maybe it’s walking around the block three times every day. Or maybe there’s something you could do with your kids at the end of online school every day. Given that nothing will be all that different for a while yet, setting an achievable goal will undoubtedly make you feel more optimistic and hopeful.

I would recommend this, however: Set one goal. Only one—but one you can crush. Leave the long list for another time. Or never. The biggest reason people don’t achieve their goals is that they have too many of them. There isn’t much research to support that assertion, but I am 100% convinced it is true based on my experience. Let’s tell the truth about what it takes to just get through the day, adulting and behaving yourself, paying the bills on time, showing up for work and speaking in complete sentences, and making sure dinner will happen somehow (cereal counts). Then let’s throw a pandemic on top of it and all bets are off.

You will probably need to mourn the dreams you had for 2020. It’s okay to be sad. But making some headway on a new dream, a dream that makes sense in light of our current reality, will give you a sense of control, autonomy, and mastery that will set you up to be ready when the world shifts back toward what we once thought of as normal. And history does teach us that it will shift.

So make a list of what you accomplished that you hadn’t planned to. I’ll bet it is really long, and something to be proud of. Be as sad as you need to be for the losses of 2020. And then get moving toward something you really care about that has deep meaning for you. Enlist help from anyone who can help you. It will make you feel better, I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I just read your column Feeling Overwhelmed in a New Role and I find myself in the exact same position. I recently took a role as manager, and on week one I started getting emails expecting deliverables. I came with enthusiasm wanting to bring positive impact, and of course my seven years of experience. But now on week four I already feel like I am a failure—like I am letting everyone down.

I have a to-do list the size of Africa and can’t seem to complete anything. I try to meditate and be patient with myself, but then an avalanche drops in. I am expected to make budget decisions and hiring decisions, and I am on my first month! And I feel that if I am honest and say “I need time to get it together—I can’t deliver on all these tasks,” that it’s some kind of cop-out.

I should also add that I have always had a sinking suspicion I am in the wrong career. But I don’t have a clue as to what the right career might be for me.

I am only 32 and already have early signs of hypertension. I am afraid this stress will either kill me or leave me with lifetime stress-related illnesses. Then I get so mad at myself and think, “Just quit!” But I have a dream of owning a farm and living in a tiny house. I am flustered and confused, overwhelmed, unhappy, and stressed. I feel like a failure. And I feel like I’m the only one dying in silence. PLEASE HELP.

Dying in Silence

________________________________________________________

Dear Dying in Silence,

I am so sorry you are feeling so terrible. It sounds like you have a nasty negative spiral going on, and every little thing just piles on and makes things worse. Hypertension at 32 is worrisome. Your concern that your stress level over your job might kill you is even more worrisome. Your sympathetic nervous system is on high alert, so you are in a constant state of panic 24/7.

Job one is to calm down. You have dug yourself a hole in which your anxiety has gotten the best of you. If there is any way you can work with a therapist very quickly, I suggest you do it. If you can’t, you might watch this really smart video that describes exactly how anxiety works and how to reverse the anxiety cycle you are in.

Essentially, you need to change your thinking. All your stress seems to be caused by your own expectations. My first clue was “dying in silence.” So, for the love of all that is good, speak up. Get a coach, get a therapist, talk to your boss, go to HR. SPEAK UP.

The second clue in your letter was “And I feel like if I am honest and say ‘I need time to get it together, I can’t deliver on all these tasks,’ that’s some kind of cop out.” That is a made-up story that you have to change, right this minute. And I mean right this minute. Honestly, if we were speaking on the phone, I would be raising my voice right now.

Who knows where you got that story—maybe your family of origin or a former boss. Or you came from a role/job where you were actually able to get everything done. It doesn’t even matter. All that matters is that is that story that will kill you.

You need a new story that goes something like this: “I need some time to get it together. I can absolutely do all of this, just not all at the same time, and not this week.”

One of the biggest leaps from being an individual contributor to a manager is that you never, ever get to the end of the list. EVER. The list just grows, reforms, and gets re-prioritized. Some things you will never get to, and it will be because they weren’t important enough or the person you were doing it for forgot. Either way, nobody will die—except, of course, you if you don’t get hold of yourself.

Part of what employers expect when they hire someone in a management position is that the person will have enough experience to structure their time and manage expectations given all of the demands placed upon them. So all of these crazy demands are being made of you. It is up to you to create a plan for what you can accomplish by when, and to communicate this plan to whoever needs to know. You don’t mention a boss. Presumably you have one who is not helping you prioritize—or perhaps you are not communicating your lack of clarity about priorities, timelines and expectations. If you haven’t asked your boss for help, they are going to be awfully surprised when you drop dead of a heart attack because for some reason you thought you had to be superwoman.

 It isn’t copping out to stop, think, plan, prioritize, and communicate on timelines—it is being a responsible human being. You are 32. There is a good chance that up until now you have been a “good girl” your whole life. You lived up to everyone’s expectations of you, got good grades, got a good a job in which you crushed it—which is why you got promoted into a situation where you now have to let go of that good-girl persona and stop trying to be all things to all people and perfect at all times. One of the hardest things to learn at your stage of adult development is that you will absolutely, positively disappoint people. I promise it won’t kill you. But you can also disappoint people less by properly managing their expectations and not making promises you can’t keep.

So. It’s time to take a step back and get a grip. Make a mind map of the avalanche—everything that needs to be done, everything others ask of you, everything you think you need to do. Get it all out of your head and on a piece of flip chart paper. Then organize it: break down each thing into the smallest possible tasks and create a timeline for each one. Decide what you think needs to be done first, and if you aren’t sure, ask the person who is waiting for the deliverable. Once you have your list, send it to your boss with a note that says: “This is everything that needs to be done, in priority order. If you disagree with my plan please let me know; otherwise I will proceed according to this plan.” Any new deliverables asked of you get put into the plan. If someone tells you something is urgent, ask your boss if you can bump something else. Or better yet, just say no. People will happily fob off their late requests or emergencies of their own making on to you if you let them. And, because you are the new kid, there is a good chance that people around you are testing to see to what extent they can push you around to get what they want when they want it. It isn’t their job to know how much you have on your plate and what you can and can’t do. It is yours.

Once you have calmed down and brought your new job into some kind of perspective, you can think about the fact that you may be in the wrong career. You may very well be—but I guarantee you have a better chance of figuring that out while you have a job and can pay your bills. If you up and quit, it will create a whole host of new problems that will cause new kinds of anxiety. And once you can think straight, maybe you will see how you can get to where you want to be from where you are.

It is hard to be creative when you feel like you are dying. One of my dearest coach friends, Laura Berman Fortgang, has a terrific system called Now What? to help people who suspect they are on the wrong road find the one that is right for them. You have plenty of time. I know you don’t feel that way, but truly, you do. And if you don’t face your demons head on in the situation you’re in right now, you will simply take them with you to your next situation.

Your dream of owning a farm and living in a tiny house is beautiful, and there is no reason that you can’t make a long-term plan to achieve it. But. I know some farmers, and the workload is never ending and backbreaking. And then, of course, there are massive forces out of your control to contend with, like weather. You can’t risk having a heart attack because there is too much rain. You will enjoy your dream a lot more if, when you do realize it, you have done the hard work of learning to manage priorities, getting the right kind of help, and devising standards for yourself that you can live with.

Next steps:

1. Calm down. Understand how your brain works and how to interrupt the downward anxiety spiral you are in.
2. Speak up. Get some help, any way you can. Now. You will not get fired because people around you realize you are a regular (albeit super competent) human being.
3. Change your story about what a cop-out is. Please. Please. Please.
4. Once you have settled down, start doing some career exploration.
5. Then, and only then, create your long-term plan to be a tiny house dweller with a charming farm.

My heart aches for you, Dying in Silence. I only wish your situation weren’t so common. The suffering is rampant. But the power is in your hands and you must use it to save yourself. You must.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been on sick leave for the last few months. Before that, I worked as an essential medical worker—administrative, not patient care—in a big city. It was intense. We had big refrigerated morgue trucks in the parking lot, and it felt like no one who was not in medicine understood quite how crazy things were.

I did, in fact, contract COVID and was sick, but I recovered fairly quickly. I am now on sick leave because of a chronic condition that I now realize was very much exacerbated by the stress of my job—and by the fact that my former boss was really, really mean.

I was told before I went on sick leave that I was being let go from the job that I had, but would be eligible to apply for other jobs in the hospital. I am not worried about finding a job. I am really good at a very narrow specialty and there are few people who can do what I do. But now that I’ve had some time to step back a little, I realize how awful my boss was to me. He was a bully who believed that my condition was all in my head and I just used it as a ploy to get sympathy. He even made fun of me in staff meetings. I laughed it off at the time, but now I see how wildly inappropriate his behavior was.

Now I’m wondering about myself. What on earth is it about me that allowed that ugliness? Am I just a victim? And how do I prevent that in my next job? Should I even try to go back to the hospital? Should I confront the bully? I keep going in circles and not getting anywhere. Any ideas you might have would be welcome.

At a Crossroads

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear At a Crossroads,

Well, wow. I am always amazed at what people are capable of. Look at what you have been through, At a Crossroads, and yet here you are picking yourself up off the floor and getting ready to fling yourself back out there. My hat is off to you: your resilience, your courage, your clarity about what happened, and your self-awareness and willingness to wonder what part you might have played in how things went down.

Let’s get you out of circles and moving toward some action, shall we? I’ll address your excellent questions in order:

What on earth is it about you that allowed that ugliness? Are you just a victim? I ask: Indeed. Are you? Only you can tell, since you would have to look at your history. Has this ever happened before? If yes, is it a pattern? If yes, then you definitely will want to find a good therapist and take a good hard look at what is going on and how you can break the pattern. If no, this is an isolated incident, it’s possible you never really noticed how messed up things were because there was so much other crazy stuff going on.

Adults who are targets for bullies tend to be people who stand out because they are super competent, nice, and a little isolated. But most important, they don’t draw boundaries or fight back. You can read about another situation here. Many bullies will cease and desist when the person they are picking on simply says something like, “Are you serious right now?” or “That really hurts my feelings,” or “Wow, that is just mean. Are you trying to be mean?” Some people who are perceived as bullies are, in fact, bad people—but some are simply oblivious and have no idea how their behavior impacts others until someone calls it out.

How do you prevent this kind of thing in the future? If this isn’t a pattern, you are probably going to be fine. You will have your spidey sense up in the future and it will never happen again. You can certainly vet your next boss by asking questions about their leadership style and what is important to them. And you can also not accept a new position until after you have interviewed others who work for the potential boss.

Should you try to go back to the hospital? If you think you can stay out of Mr. Meanie’s way, sure. But think about the big picture. If you start from scratch, you will be able to research culture, training programs, and leadership development programs of different hospitals to find a place where leadership matters. Also, you can check out things like location, pay, benefits, and opportunity for advancement. Why not go for your perfect job? Or, if everything at your last position was perfect except for your boss, why not go back?

Should you confront the bully? Maybe. You would have to decide what you want to get out of it. Most fantasy scenarios never play out in real life. If you think your bully might be open to hearing feedback on how his behavior impacted you, it might be useful. But you will want to prepare really well. Some thoughts on that here. But honestly—why bother? It isn’t your problem anymore, and it doesn’t sound like you owe the bully anything. Giving feedback is a gift. I will only do it if it’s my job. No good deed goes unpunished—and, in this case, that will almost certainly be true. Perhaps you want an apology? You would need to ask for one directly, and even then, it is a long shot. If it is closure you want, you might consider writing a letter outlining your experience. Write it out point by point—what happened and how it made you feel. Then you can decide if you want to send it. Just writing it will help you get it out of your head, and hopefully let it go. The carefully crafted, heartfelt letter that is never sent is a beautiful recovery tool.

One note about your condition. Is it possible you would qualify as someone with a disability so that you would have protections in the future? It might be worth looking into. And if your condition is brought on by stress, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that you would be well served to explore stress management skills; meditation, mindfulness, prayer, yoga, exercise, getting a pet. All proven to help people reduce stress.

Sail on, At a Crossroads. Take care of yourself and go forth and find your perfect spot where you can do your special job beautifully for a nice boss who appreciates you.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am the director of an experimental data analytics group for a global software company. I am an engineer and am good at starting things. I drew the short straw on a job that at first felt like an opportunity but now feels like a terrible mistake.

To lead this group, I had to move to the US from Europe. From the beginning, it has been a disaster. My wife and I moved into our new home just as things were shutting down because of Covid. She speaks very little English but was game to give it a try—at first.

My new team is made up of Americans. The difference in culture between this team and teams I have worked with in Asia and in Europe is pronounced. I am constantly taken aback by behavior that others seem to find acceptable. For example, all anyone talks about is how hard they work—and yet, we have precious few results to show for it.

I have already been given feedback that I am perceived as rigid and uncollaborative. This is a first for me, as I have always been able to get along well with others.

To add to my angst, my wife gave birth to our first child 3 months ago and is a mess. She, too, is confounded by Americans, and does not have the support of her mother and sister who would have been here if not for Covid. She gave up a great job so that we could move to the US for my big opportunity and is now regretting it. What’s more, she is constantly mad at me because I have had no time to bond with our baby.

I feel like I am being attacked on all fronts. I don’t even know where to begin.

Under Siege

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Under Siege,

Indeed, you seem to be. This sounds like quite a difficult situation, the result of a lot of big decisions that have led to a big adventure—one for which you are not prepared and are receiving no support.

First, let’s remember that this is, in fact, an adventure, and as such will require you to grow and learn a lot of new skills.

Let’s start with the situation at home.

You and your wife have a newborn, but no close friends or family around. She doesn’t speak the language, so she feels isolated. She is freaking out about what, to her, may feel like a permanent loss of freedom. She is also mourning her former life where she felt competent, having exchanged it for a new life where she feels incompetent. (Okay, I am just guessing about those last two—but they are educated guesses based on personal experience.) To top it all off, she feels like she has lost you. This is bad.

What to do about it? Two words: GET HELP. Call in the cavalry. Now is not the time to power through. Covid be damned, get her mother or sister over to the US pronto. If necessary, have them quarantine in a hotel for two weeks, get tested, and then move in. Too dramatic? Do you have other ideas? Something has to be done for the new mom. She is truly at risk, and everything is at stake here.

These early baby days are hard for everyone. But for a woman who is accustomed to crushing it in a big job to face the tedium, isolation, and learning curve involved with new motherhood is a staggering change. Probably nothing in her life so far has prepared her for it.

And she needs you. Yes, it would be great if you could bond with the baby—but you really need to be there for your wife. Have the hard conversation—ask her what she thinks she needs, and then commit to it. Unless you are willing to sacrifice your marriage for this job rotation, this is required.

You and your wife could use this time as an opportunity to do something difficult together and have it bring you closer, strengthening the marriage. I am a huge fan of Dr. John Gottman’s work on marriage—you might consider signing up for his course The Art and Science of Love. My husband and I took it as a two-day, in-person course, but it is offered online now.  As an engineer, you would appreciate that everything is based on research. The course consists of tools to help partners communicate more effectively and ultimately get back to the good stuff that brought you together in the first place. I have recommended it to many people and no one has ever said it was a waste of time. I can feel you rolling your eyes at me, because this is the last thing in the world you have time for right now. BUT—just stop and think about what is most important to you.

If you feel like you can get back on an even keel without help, fine. Do it. But if you find you aren’t able to get there on your own, now you know where to start.

Now. The job.

Again, two words: GET HELP! Where is your boss? Is there anyone you can talk to about your situation? Someone who may have some perspective, historical knowledge—anything? Just because you have never needed anyone’s help in the past doesn’t mean you don’t need it now. It sounds like you got off on the wrong foot with your team and there may be some underlying issues you aren’t aware of. Now is the time to reach out to anyone who can help you look at the whole picture and create a plan.

I am not surprised that Americans are different from people you have worked with in the past. The good news is that they are still people. There is some repair work to be done with your team—for whatever reason, you never got an opportunity to build trust with them. For this, you will need to go back to square one and literally start over. I recommend Randy Conley’s work on Trust. Start with this article: 50 Practical Ways to Build Psychological Safety in Your Team and go from there.

Right now, you must suspend your judgment about what is and isn’t acceptable—this just isn’t useful to you. Sit down with your team members. Tell them you are not happy with the way things are going and you want to start fresh and get it right with them. You want to work together to build a working structure that will serve all of you. Take a big step back, assume you made a wrong turn without knowing it, and go for a re-start. Ask questions, listen, and listen. And listen. Don’t argue or make your case. Just seek to understand and learn how to get to their best and how to unlock their greatness.

You feel under siege because you are under siege. You went for big life changes in the middle of a pandemic and you can’t just bail. So, stop. Breathe. Identify what possibly radical ways you can gain support, guidance, or help. Then go ask for it, and use it.

I hope this is the hardest thing you and your wife will ever have to deal with, but, as a member of a two-career marriage with four kids, I suspect it won’t be. Next time, though, you will know to prepare properly for big leaps and you will know who to ask and how to ask for help.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I just started what is probably the last decade of my career. I am settling into a new role after being promoted to an EVP spot that reports directly to the CEO. Sometimes I sit in my office at home—although at some point it will be a nice office on the executive floor—and I feel completely stuck about what I should be doing.

I had big plans before I stepped into this role and all of a sudden I can’t remember any of them. I could do a million things, but I know I should be thinking, planning, and strategizing. The problem is that those activities don’t feel like work to me and I keep worrying that I am not doing the right things.

My CEO just keeps saying to hang in there and I will get the hang of it—but I am in a state of paralysis. Thoughts?

Not Getting the Hang of It

Dear Not Getting the Hang of It,

In my experience, this is one of the hardest leadership transitions of all. You spend your entire career doing tasks and being rewarded for doing them well, and now all of sudden everything you have been rewarded for is the domain of the people you lead. And you are left to do—what, exactly?

The first thing to do is forgive yourself for being at sea. It is a completely predictable and natural response. Can you? It can be hard to do after having felt so competent for so long. Once you do it, you can adopt the beginner’s mind. This could be defined as the act of intentionally letting go of expectations and noticing your situation with fresh eyes and an open mind. Take a deep breath, go for a long walk, and consider these questions:

• What advice would I give to a friend in the same position? (This will help you remember your big ideas.)
• What do I bring to the table that the company and my teams need most? (This will remind you why you got the job.)
• What is required that only I—because of my strengths, experience and position—can do? (This is how you will choose what to focus on.)
• Who can help me with this? (This will generate ideas for thinking partners and potential mentors. The more of these you have, the better off you will be.)

Then write it all on a big white board, a piece of flipchart paper, or a legal pad. Or use your favorite technology (forgive me—I am still addicted to paper).

It might be helpful to read our white paper on The Leadership Profit Chain. Our research reveals a key distinction between strategic and operational leadership and what is required of each. Ultimately, it is your job to see the whole playing field—how things look from the top, how things get done at your level, and what results need to be generated by your whole area. Pretty much every industry will require you to stay on top of industry innovation as well as what your competitors are up to. And, let’s not forget the nimble innovative disrupters who are coming for your market share!

Here are a few suggestions to jump start that to-do list:

1. Make sure you are 100% crystal clear about the strategic objectives your CEO has articulated. If you are in any way unclear, clarify with your CEO.
2. Decide exactly how your area can and will support those objectives. You will probably want to involve your immediate team to help you hammer that out. The more you involve them, the more they will buy into the final plan.
3. Make sure you have the correct leadership below you who can accomplish what they need to accomplish. Jim Collins’s research in Good to Great says you have get the right people on the bus, in the right seats. What he doesn’t say is this: to do that, you have to get the wrong people out of those seats—and, in some cases, off the bus. The simplicity of the concept belies the complexity of the execution. Simple? Yes. Easy? Not so much.
4. Ensure that each of your people has the necessary resources to accomplish what they need to accomplish. In short: They know exactly what needs to be done, what a good job looks like, and who they need on their teams, and they have the right budget and tools.
5. Spend some of that thinking time getting clear and putting into writing your vision for how your area should operate. What do you expect of people? What can they expect of you? What is non-negotiable, and where can people color outside the lines? Don’t expect your people to be mind readers. Make explicit anything that is currently implicit or that you think is obvious. Your people need an operating manual for how to navigate you as their boss.
6. If you haven’t already, create solid relationships with your peers. Get to know how they think and what is important to them. Understand their objectives and make sure no one is working at cross purposes. The more you can support your peers in helping them accomplish their goals, the more they will be inclined to support yours.
7. Look around at your industry and what your competitors are doing. Keep your eye on the news with a focus on how local, national, and world events are going to affect your industry and your company.
8. Observe carefully and ascertain what your CEO needs and wants from you. In my experience, many CEOs are terrible at articulating these things and would much rather you read their mind. You can ask, certainly, but don’t be disappointed if they are unclear. As you observe, notice what you might have to offer that they might find useful. Once you make your plan for how you are going to spend your time, it might help to run it by your CEO to make sure you haven’t left off something critical that wasn’t even on your radar.

You ready for a nap yet? It is a lot. But you are probably in decent shape on some of these already.

When you look at your list of stuff to do, ask yourself: can somebody else do this—if not as well as me, well enough? If so, delegate it. Be honest. You should only be spending your time doing things only you can do, and that everyone doing everything else knows exactly how it should be done. I learned this concept from The E-Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber back when I started my first coaching business. It has translated perfectly to the corporate world and has served me well.

Finally, pace yourself. Take care of yourself and your brain, or nobody will win.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I thought I could take it, but now I am not so sure. I live in a state that is just now having an explosion of Covid-19 cases. I thought at this point things would be going back to semi-normal, yet it appears things are going from bad to worse.

My mother is in an assisted care facility and we can no longer visit her. My 87-year-old father needs me to bring him cooked meals and is going into a depression over not being able to visit my Mom.

My husband got laid off from what we thought was a secure job. There was no warning. He was told about it at work by someone in HR he didn’t know, and was walked from the building with a box just like in movies. No reason, no explanation, after fifteen years of steady promotions and top performance reviews. He is wandering around in shock. I am trying to be sympathetic but I find myself getting impatient and wanting him to start looking for another job. He’s taken out the kids’ old Xbox and is playing video games all day, and I think he’s smoking pot in the garage when he thinks I am sleeping. I want to scream.

I manage a group of project managers for a global supply chain company. Our business, deemed essential, went into a complete meltdown because of complications with China just when we were getting used to working from home and the endless video calls. I was forced to lay off half of my people. Although my company did a decent job, every one of my coworkers—those who are going, those who are staying, and my peers—are in various states of distress.

I volunteered to take a pay cut so I can only hope my job is safe, but I’m not sure if we can make our mortgage payments. My workload is insane because of the layoffs. I’m working very late every night, as are my remaining direct reports, some of whom are also dealing with young children at home. All of my close friends are also at a breaking point so I’m on the phone with them talking them off the ledge. I’m out of things to say to them.

Two of our adult children who have lost their jobs have moved back in with us to save money on rent. They are decent at the safety measures, but I just found out one of them went to a big house party last weekend—and my now-gamer husband has diabetes and asthma. You see how that might make me crazy? And our dog was just diagnosed with cancer, and there is no way we can afford the treatments.

Little things I’ve always let slide, like people leaving lights on or leaving the milk out to go sour, are sending me into a rage. I know how high the electric bill is. I know what groceries cost. We can no longer afford to be cavalier about these things.

We have had social justice riots in our town and just a mile from where I live a couple of major businesses were badly looted and my bank was burned down. My BANK! So, on top of everything else, I feel like the world is burning down and Armageddon is here.

I am exhausted. I feel like I am walking through quicksand. I know you’re going to tell me to take advantage of our EAP Therapy program—well, I did, and it didn’t go well. It took them two weeks to get back to me and another two weeks to set an appointment, and when I did get on the phone with a therapist, he was mean. He basically told me I needed to suck it up. It was everything I could do not to hang up on him.

I’ve always appreciated your answers, Madeleine, and I feel like this one is going to stump you. Are you going to tell me that I just need to suck it up? I don’t think I can. But I also don’t see an alternative.

Going Down in Flames

Dear Going Down in Flames,

Yeah. Whoa. Wow.

OK. I am not a mental health professional; I am just a coach. But more fundamentally, I am human being and my heart aches for you. Let’s just say it out loud: this is hard, hard, hard. This is the Dustbowl. This is The Blitz. Oh, wait, no. This is The Plague. It is real, and it is bad. And just when you think it can’t get worse: locusts, frogs, fire, floods.

I hope this is the hardest thing you will ever have to get through. And based on what you have already dealt with, you have evidence that you will get through it. I’m not saying there aren’t others who have it worse—there always are—but this is hard. And you have been heroic. But even heroes need time off.

So, no. I am not going to tell you to suck it up. You have had so much adrenaline and cortisol (a stress hormone) pumping through your system that you must find a way to rest. I am going to tell you to fold.

Just fold.

Take a day, two days, whatever you need, and step away from the fire fight. Crawl into a fox hole. Forget work. Take some time away. And if they fire you for it, well, so be it. It’s only a matter of time before you lose it and start yelling at your manager anyway, at the rate you are going. I won’t bore you with the neuroscience, but take my word for it when I say that a human being can take only so much and no more. So do the opposite of sucking it up. Fold.

Make your kids go to the grocery store, cook, and take food to your dad.

Email your boss and your direct reports that you are taking some time.

Fold.

Turn off your phone, go into your bathroom, lock the door, and take a long bubble bath. Then get into bed and watch Sophie’s Choice and cry through the entire thing. If that isn’t going to work for you, choose something else—Marley and Me might do it—and have a good cry. Get into bed and cry. Cry a lot. Mourn your safety and your certainty. Let yourself grieve for the past, when power bills were not an issue. Allow yourself to feel the shock of your stalwart husband reverting to adolescence. Go to your dad’s house, stand six feet away from him, and cry about your mom together. Lament the loss of your dreams and dashed expectations of what you thought this part of your life would be. Pet the dog and cry about the cancer. Just give in and feel it all.

When I was young, I thought the book of Job in the Bible was a laughable exaggeration. No more. It really is astonishing how rough things can get, and it feels awfully personal. So, go ahead and wail Why Me? at the moon.

Go for a long walk and complain out loud to yourself. Everything you are managing, putting up with, tolerating. Every protest, grumble, unfairness, injustice.

Then, revolt.

You seem to be carrying this entire load by yourself and you must insist that your perfectly able-bodied family help out. Get your (you did say adult) children who won’t turn the lights off and your husband into the living room, sit them down, and read them the riot act. You can be nice, but be firm.

Tell them you have reached your limit. They may have noticed that you were recently sobbing in bed, so possibly they have already gotten the memo. Tell your kids they need to suck it up. Behave themselves. Put the milk away. Stop taking risks. Find new jobs. Pay rent. Tell your husband exactly what he needs to do to help and contribute. He already got to fold; now he needs to step up, get online and apply for unemployment, and look for another job. Cook the meals for your dad. Chores. Something.

OK? Don’t suck it up. First, go ahead and wallow. Then you must take a stand and insist that your family join you in the pulling the cart. Decide what you can do, and simply don’t do more than that. If you keep sending the message that you can take on more, more will be handed to you. So stop sending that message.

You will get your strength back and start to see some silver linings. Things will probably get worse, but they will get better eventually. You have to settle in for the marathon and conserve your energy.

I am really sorry that your therapist was a meanie. I just don’t get that at all, but who knows, maybe he is up against it too and was having a horrible day. It happens—therapists are only human. Could you try again and get another one? Finding a great therapist is a little like finding the prince. You have to kiss a lot of frogs.

And, I am really, really sorry about your pooch. That is just adding insult to injury.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

“I’m sure you’ve heard the saying People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. And that is so true for anyone who is in a leadership role today,” says Kathy Cuff, senior consulting partner at The Ken Blanchard Companies.

“In our SLII® leadership development class we conduct an exercise where we ask people to reflect back on their best boss. We ask them to identify the attitudes and behaviors that earned that boss the ‘best’ ranking in their eyes. People share many different positive behaviors. To sum it up, best bosses care about each direct report as a person. They see something the person doesn’t see in themselves. That’s especially important today with everything we are facing in our lives.

“Now more than ever, people need to know that their boss cares about them, their development, and their career aspirations. How would they like to grow? Where do they want to direct their energy and their passion?”

As a leader, you can demonstrate caring, compassionate, and empathetic behavior. It begins with asking good questions to learn more about your direct reports as individual people, not just employees.

“A great way to build this into your leadership routine is to set aside 15 to 30 minutes every other week for a one-on-one meeting where your direct report sets the agenda—the meeting is about whatever they want to talk about. It’s an opportunity for managers and direct reports to get to know each other so the relationship can be about more than just the job.”

That’s a big shift compared with what happens in most one-on-ones, says Cuff.

“Most of the time, one-on-ones are just progress reports where the leader checks on how much progress the employee is making toward their goals. How about a meeting that is geared to what the employee wants to talk about? This provides that person with an opportunity to share not just what they’re working on but also what they need and how you, their leader, can help them. They also may want to talk about their family, sports or hobbies, or other things going on in their life.

“Now you’re listening and being present and available on a regular basis—exactly the behaviors that demonstrate you care. And you can share, too. It’s important to remember that people can’t read your caring mind but they can see your caring behavior. The combination of being available, listening, and giving them your time—those are the kind of behaviors that show you care.”

Letting people know you care may be harder than you think, says Cuff—especially when everyone is stressed and pressed for time.

“Leaders may wish to be seen as caring, but when something pressing comes up they have a choice to make. More often than not, the one-on-one will get postponed, rescheduled, or worse—canceled altogether. Obviously, as a manager there will always be situations where you have time constraints or changes to your schedule. But consider the message you send to your team member when you cancel their time.

“Look at the things we are experiencing right now—changing work situations, new policies and procedures, more people working from home—during extraordinary times, making time for your people simply has to be a top priority. If you ignore critical events happening in people’s lives, you’re sending the wrong message.”

However, don’t worry if you’re not perfect or if you don’t have all the answers, says Cuff.

“You might think if you admit to your people you don’t know how to solve every problem, they will see you as weak. That’s not true. When you show your vulnerabilities, rather than thinking less of you, people will actually think more of you. Why? Because they already know you don’t know everything!

“Colleen Barrett, president emeritus of Southwest Airlines, wrote a book with Ken Blanchard called Lead with LUV: A Different Way to Create Real Success. It came out just after the great economic recession we experienced in 2008. One of the messages Colleen shared in that book was that as a leader, people will admire you for your skills, but they will love you for your vulnerability. When you are willing to acknowledge that you don’t have it all together, people will relate to that. And it will give them an opportunity to step in, share their ideas, and make a contribution.

“Leaders need to demonstrate they care by spending time with their people. That’s how you inspire performance. And when people know you care about them, they will do whatever they can to help you.”

You can read about Kathy Cuff here. And to learn more about Blanchard’s SLII® approach to building meaningful connections through authentic conversations, check out the SLII® information page.

Dear Madeleine,

I know I should be grateful to have a job, and I love the company I work for. BUT. My whole company is madly trying to stay afloat and reinvent itself and I have more work coming at me than I can possibly do. I am working 16-hour days. I have my laptop in bed with me until midnight and get going again at 6:00 a.m.

My husband is retired and is good natured about it. He says I need to set some boundaries—but everyone is working as hard as I am. We are all doing what we need to do to survive the changes in our business and the resulting economic disaster.

I had all kinds of dreams about this last chapter of my career and they did not include feeling like I am part of a startup. Been there, done that, hated it then. I am angry, overwhelmed, and exhausted—but more than anything, I feel so disappointed. And then I judge myself, knowing that so many people are so much worse off than me: sick, losing loved ones, out of a job, homeschooling children while working full time, not to mention all the kids with canceled proms and graduations. What do I have to complain about?
And yet, here I am feeling out of sorts and not able to pull out of it.

Thoughts?

So Disappointed

Dear So Disappointed,

You bet I have thoughts. And a lot of similar feelings. I spent a couple of days feeling sorry myself because I wasn’t going to get to see my daughter pick up her Master’s diploma in her fancy cap and gown and yuk it up with all of our pals in New York City. And don’t get me started on how hard it has been to let go of our collective dreams for her gorgeous wedding in July. I mean, we argued over whether we should have broccoli salad (my vote: gross) and about 127 other details. And OMG, the band was going to be the best! And now—nothing. “Come on,” I tell myself. “People are dying. Get over it.” So I let myself have my sad little pity party for a weekend, and then I did get over it.

You must allow yourself to have your feelings. Just because someone else is suffering more than you are doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to acknowledge what a big fat bummer your own reality is. In fact, if you suppress your feelings, you will just end up feeling numb—or worse, you could start acting out: smoking, drinking too much, drugs, overeating—we are apparently having an epidemic of this kind of thing right now. So don’t do that. But you also don’t want to ruminate on your feelings by going over and over the same sad story in your head. That won’t help you; you’ll just get stuck in a nasty rut.

What will help is to break all of this down. Part of what is going on here is a mashup of all the facts, thoughts, and feelings until it feels like a car alarm is going off in your head. Let’s tease everything out so you can deal with each thing, one at a time.

The absurd workload: Your husband is right. You need to set some boundaries. Laptops do not belong in bed. Yes, I know millions of people watch TV on their laptops in bed, or goof around on YouTube and social media. So let me rephrase: work does not belong in bed. Yes, that’s better. New rule for you: NO WORK IN BED. You need your rest time and your sleep, and you will not be able to keep up this pace without health consequences.

I don’t care if everyone else is working as hard as you are. You are the one who is in pain. Put up the hand and say no. You know perfectly well what you can do in a reasonable workday—maybe that is 10 hours or even 12, but 16 is just sick and wrong. You are not saving babies from Ebola here, but somehow you have gotten yourself into life-or-death mode. The adrenaline and cortisol being released in your system will hurt you if you don’t cut it out.

Break down your work requirements and tell your boss and your team what you can do and what you can’t do. My experience is that the reward for good work is more work, not a break. Your boss is depending on you to cry uncle and tell him when you can’t do another thing. If you suffer in silence, the work will just pile on. You had gotten into a nice work rhythm before the Covid Fun House Crazy, so you got out of the habit of having to say no when enough is enough. Flex that muscle and use it now. I promise the entire organization isn’t going to go down the tubes because of you. If the company isn’t going to make it, the extra four hours you take to exercise, meditate, and sleep is not going to make the difference.

Suddenly trapped in a startup: Well. Yes. I can relate. I have been part of three startups—and the last time I said “never again.” Startups are a young person’s game, honestly, because they do take just about every drop of blood and sweat from each overtaxed employee.

The problem is this: every business is kind of a startup right now. Everybody is scrambling to figure out how to win or even operate with the new business landscape and restrictions. My own company is in the same boat. I keep hearing things like pivot, iterate, and fail fast, experiment! It is exhausting. All I can say is, this isn’t going to last forever. Your company will figure it out and things will settle down. This doesn’t change anything I said in the last section. It is reality and all you can do is adapt. Get some boundaries, take care of yourself, and do your best. This too shall pass.

The dashing of your dreams: This is a big deal. Bet you didn’t think I was going to say that. And I wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t studied neuroscience. I’m fascinated by one little neuroscience tidbit about the chemical reaction that occurs in our brains have when explicit expectations are disappointed. Research shows that when we have an expectation of something good and it is not met, our brains actually stop producing dopamine for a time.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is generally thought of as a feel-good chemical. It is released when we experience pleasure or anticipate a reward—cupcakes, wine, the perfect find on sale, juicy gossip. When we anticipate something good, our dopamine receptors are primed for the rush, and when it doesn’t come, the entire dopamine delivery system grinds to a halt. It feels terrible. In fact, it sets up such a negative downward spiral that it can affect our mood, and then our performance.

We intuitively know this. Think about the times you have strived for an outcome but tried really hard to manage your own expectations. We know disappointed hopes feel lousy, but unmet expectations feel even worse. So you, my friend, are the victim of perfectly reasonable expectations that are not being met. Your dream has turned into a nightmare. This is increasing your stress levels, decreasing your creativity and problem-solving ability, and probably affecting your confidence, too. The fact that you are not alone is no consolation.

What can you do about it? Reframe. Rewrite the story about how this part of your life was supposed to go. Define the narrative you had, and then redefine it. It might sound something like this: “Well, I thought this part of my career was going to be four-day work weeks, during which I could focus on my cherry-picked projects. I was going to do yoga every day and cook gourmet meals every night. But all that has changed now. My considerable wisdom and experience is now needed to creatively respond to this new challenge and rise to occasion by working at an accelerated pace again.” And so on. Focus on the strengths you can bring to this challenge, and what exactly will make you feel proudest when it is all over. Reset the expectations you had for this chapter of your life and keep them centered, as much as possible, on what you can control. You will find yourself in an upward spiral very quickly and start feeling a lot better.

If you need to wallow a little, go ahead. No one will blame you. But then do your work, untangle the yucky mess, deal with each thing one by one, and get that spiral going up.

Your husband will thank you, and your colleagues will too.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a marketing department for an operating company of a massive global conglomerate (yes, those still exist). When the shelter-in-place rule was announced, I did a really good job of making sure my team was set up to work from home, and have figured out the flex time/PTO situation for those who have school-aged kids.

A couple of my people have come down with COVID-19 and they have been fully quarantined. Thank God none of them have had to go to the hospital and all are recovering—albeit some more slowly than others. I am a 57-year-old man with asthma, so I am being ultra-careful myself.

The initial panic seems to have passed. I am no longer running on coffee and adrenaline. But now what I feel is dread. For a while we were talking about “when this is over,” but no one is talking about that anymore. Now I only hear “get ready for a new normal.”

I still worry that I might get the virus. It seems to be harder on men, and I live alone and don’t have anyone to take of me. I really like my job—although I suspect that I will be cut soon. I am not ready to retire, financially or energy-wise. But if I do get laid off, who wants to hire an old guy?

I’m not sleeping well. When I do sleep, I have nightmares.

Any ideas for finding some peace?

Need Peace

Dear Need Peace,

So here we are—in the US at least—about six weeks into about as weird a state as we all ever, collectively, have been. We seem to be pretty much through the sheer terror part of the program—some are managing the loss of their income, and, far worse, some have lost loved ones. In a best-case scenario, we are (I hope) about halfway to some kind of return to normalcy. We are being told that nothing will ever be the same, the economy will tank, we will never shake hands again.

Back in the day, when the only way to cross the Atlantic was to sail, sailors would often hit the doldrums. Around the equator, the wind would just stop blowing—sometimes for a few days, often for weeks. But that didn’t mean there weren’t storms. There were often more than usual, and they would spring up with no warning. It caused deep unease. Sailors would start wondering if they would have enough food. Or water. (I can’t imagine they were worried about toilet paper.) Before the discovery that limes could combat scurvy, which is a lack of vitamin C that causes the gums to soften among other symptoms, sailors would wonder why their teeth were falling out. This was the time that nightmares about sea monsters would set in. It was pure, unadulterated, existential dread.

We are in the doldrums. Uncertainty is exhausting for our brains. Our brains are prediction machines, constantly scanning the environment for new threats. And these days, all they find is potential and even actual threats. It is totally normal to feel like you are on tilt most of the time. I don’t know anyone who isn’t feeling it. One of my colleagues who has been through some serious challenges and has perfected the art of self-care recently wrote: “I am noticing my self-care practices are not enough some days to get me out of a funk of negativity.” If she, who is a role model for sunny resilience, is feeling this way, we normal people are going to have work extra hard!

So. You have your work cut out for you. I am no medical professional, but I am a fellow human and I will share some ideas of what has worked for me, my clients, and my loved ones.

• Right now, take a few minutes and write down everything you are afraid of, everything that is driving you nuts, everything you are putting up with, everything that is making you mad. Get it all out, all on paper. This isn’t to dwell on the negative—it is to get all of the nasty little dust bunnies hiding in the dark places of your soul out into the sunlight. You probably think you don’t have that many, but you might be surprised. Now, look through all the things on the list and identify the ones you have some control over. See what actions you might be able to take that might shore up your sense of autonomy and control.

• One technique that has been extraordinarily helpful to many of my clients, especially the creative ones, is called Morning Pages, from a book called The Artists Way by Julia Cameron. You can hear Julia on the topic here. The technique couldn’t be simpler. When you wake up in the morning, you write three pages, just stream of consciousness, in longhand (a stretch for the younger generation but probably not for you!) I have used this technique to get me through some of darkest days and it really clears the mind.

• Try meditation. My husband, who has never been a fan of meditation, finally found one that works for him. He recently sent it out to our whole company and got some really nice feedback. Mooji, a renowned meditation master, just posted a new one specifically for these times. It might not be your cup of tea—but when life gets this strange, you never know where help might come from.

• Call your regular doctor and discuss your options for getting better sleep. I personally find that brutally difficult exercise can help. The one thing available to almost everyone is a long walk. Walking is always good, never bad.

• Talk to a mental health professional. One big company, a client informed me, is offering 16 therapy sessions to all executive employees and all their family members. I was shocked! But I’ll bet your company is offering some kind of help. Do some digging, find out how to avail yourself of it, and unburden yourself. If that is not an option, you might find some help on this great mental health/COVID-19 resource page.

• Regarding your fear about losing your job—marketing is essential, now more than ever. You must figure out how to make yourself indispensable and mission critical to the success of the business. This would be a really good reason to work with a coach—someone who can help you figure out your personal brand, your strengths, and a solid PR campaign that helps your boss (and anyone else who matters) understand how you add value. I’ll bet you could hire a good coach for six sessions to just accomplish that one goal. Here is a link to The International Coach Federation Coach Finder. It will help you manage your anxiety and take intentional action, and it will be super helpful to get you through to the next opportunity if you do get let go.

• As for the language you use about yourself, cut it out. Language shapes our thoughts, and thoughts become our reality. As my mother-in-law, the extraordinarily wise Margie Blanchard, says: “Don’t say it if you don’t want it.” So please stop calling yourself an old guy. Reframe your self-concept around what you have to offer. Lots of people want to hire people with the right experience and skills. Nobody wants to hire Eeyore.

The one thing I recommend you take very seriously—as in do now—is what you said about there being no one to take care of you if you get sick. I encourage you to take the leap and have this conversation with someone in your life who cares enough about you to check in, bring you cans of soup, and generally show up on your behalf—a colleague, a neighbor, a friend. You sound self-sufficient and proud, which is fine, but not when you need help. So ask for help before you need it, so that you can put your mind at ease. No one should be totally alone right now, and you have the capacity to change that feeling. If you do nothing else for yourself, do that, please.

These are hard times. There is no denying it and no getting around it. But there are no sea monsters here, and your teeth aren’t going to fall out. I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

As the world struggles for certainty in this unprecedented time, many are feeling the need to serve others in every way we can. Like most leaders we know, you may be struggling to find the best way to lead your people right now. Shouldering the responsibility of making tough decisions and taking on new challenges singlehandedly can be especially difficult. Having the encouraging support of others now is needed more than ever before.

Consider how coaching could help you and those in your organization in these ways.

• When an individual who has been capable and confident about goals or tasks in the past is no longer performing well, what coaches know about resilience can be just the thing.
• When high performing individuals are ready to become more fully rounded in their current role. By increasing opportunities and expanding a direct report’s network, development coaching can energize people to maximize their strengths. In times of crises, taking the long view can be galvanizing.
• When individuals are ready to plan their next career moves career coaching can show people how valued they are and can help an organization retain talent and develop bench strength over time. Succession planning is all of a sudden a hot topic and coaches can help your leaders to be prepared.
• When managers or direct reports need support, encouragement, and accountability to sustain recent training and turn insights into action, coaching to support learning can help people start using what they’ve learned. What investments have been made in training that are not yielding the results you need right now?
• When an organization is looking to foster an ownership mentality and a culture of self-responsibility, coaching culture work creates a wonderful work environment that supports productivity and boosts morale. Don’t let a crisis go to waste. What better time to make all of the shifts in your culture that you have always wanted to make?

Blanchard Coaching Services has worked with over 16,000 leaders and executives to increase their effectiveness and provide inspirational leadership through times of difficult change. You don’t have to go it alone. Whether for yourself, or your people we invite you to consider how coaching services can provide a strategic, supportive partnership resource. Focus, clarity, action. Coaching can help.

You can find more information about Blanchard Coaching Services here.

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Do you ever wonder why you reach some goals easily and struggle with others? In her latest book, Master Your Motivation, Susan Fowler explains the three scientific truths behind motivation that will help you achieve your goals. Distilling many years of research, Fowler fashioned a condensed description of three basic needs we must create in our lives in order to master our motivation: choice, connection, and competence.

Choice

Creating the basic need of choice can be as simple as recognizing you have a choice and you are in control of your actions. Fowler suggests you ask yourself these questions to help create choice:

• What choices have I made? Consider which of your past choices made you happy and which did not.
• What different choices could I make going forward? Consider how you feel about those choices—or if you feel you don’t have any choices.
• Do I feel goals or situations have been imposed on me? Consider where pressures may be originating and whether your behaviors could have a positive impact on outcomes.

Connection

The need for connection is tied closely to values and is created through authentic relationships and a sense of belonging. When it comes to a goal or situation, ask yourself these questions to create connection:

• Can this give me a greater sense of belonging or a genuine connection to others involved? Consider why this goal or situation might give you a greater sense of belonging and whether it potentially could lead to a bigger purpose.
• Is this meaningful to me? Consider how the goal or situation aligns to your values and purpose, and what would happen if you didn’t get involved.
• Do I feel what is being asked of me is fair and just? Analyze your answer to this question to determine the true importance of the goal or situation to you.

Competence

Creating competence is not only about mastery, but also about learning, growing, and gaining wisdom from our experiences. Fowler suggests asking yourself these questions to help create competence:

• What skills or experience do I have that might prove helpful to achieving my goal? Consider your core competencies and whether they are important to this situation.
• What new skills could I develop? Consider new skills you may want to develop and why they are important.
• What insights have I gained—or might I gain—that could help me moving forward? Consider why moving forward is important to you and what you can learn from your mistakes.

Motivation is at the heart of everything you do—as well as everything you don’t do yet, but want to do. The most important thing to understand is that you can control the quality of your life by controlling the quality of your motivation. Fowler’s motivation philosophies are proven through her research and real-world examples of people who have experienced breakthroughs by putting her tips into practice.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Susan Fowler, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. Order her book, Master Your Motivation, on Amazon.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been working for the internet arm of a retail company for almost twenty years. When I started, we were truly innovating with the speed and fierceness of a startup. I was given carte blanche because the internet business was growing more quickly than that of the actual stores. The website has really always been my baby—with my vision, my art direction, and my ideas about functionality. About a year ago, the person who had been my boss during my time here left, and a new head of retail marketing was hired. I’ll call her IG.

IG is making my life hell. She paid a branding company a ton of money to do a re-brand for us and the work is just terrible. She did not involve me in any of the decisions and is now presenting me with a whole new branding direction that I know will not work for our online buyers. She pays no attention to my opinions or even my data. She calls me at all hours and sends me nasty texts when I don’t pick up. When we do talk, all she does is berate me for anything new we are doing on the website. She questions every little thing, even though I am executing the plan she signed off on prior to the big re-brand, which definitely isn’t ready for prime time.

For a while I thought she was merely mean, but now I am beginning to think she is just plain nuts. She is all over the place with her ideas and she changes every plan we make. I say black, she says white, and then when I agree that white is the way, she says purple. She criticizes me for something and then when I do it the way she wants, she doesn’t like that either. It almost feels like she is trying to keep everyone off balance so that nobody notices she has no idea what she is doing.

I love this company and I have a big stake in making sure it continues to be successful. At this point, though, I am so beaten down that I have lost my confidence and my motivation. I am thinking about bailing.

What do you think?

My New Boss is Nuts

Dear My New Boss is Nuts,

Don’t bail. Yet. Fight first. Then bail, if you have to.

This sounds so stressful. I am sorry this person has upset what sounds like a great job. You are going to have to stand up for yourself and do something about this. Normally, I would recommend a difficult conversation with your boss that included a request for change—but it doesn’t sound like your boss is someone who can be reasoned with. It’s possible she actually may be nuts—or she could be trying to make you quit so she can hire the person she wants in your job. Or, as you point out, maybe she is in over her head and is using the crazy behavior to cover it up. It is astonishing how long some people get away with that kind of thing. I have seen people use the strategy of sowing chaos many times, and you would be surprised how often it works.

Don’t let yourself get beaten down or become a victim of this situation. If you really care about the company, which you seem to, you owe it to yourself and others to at least try to fight back. Go over your new boss’s head to her boss, or go to HR. You have twenty years of stellar work behind you—if all of a sudden you’re unable to perform, I just can’t believe you wouldn’t be taken seriously.

To the best of your ability, document the instances in which your boss has behaved irrationally in the past and in which she behaves oddly in the future. Note all of the times you felt or feel bullied. Keep every single text, as they show the date and time of events. Write up the facts about any interaction that seems suspect to you, and time and date all notes that record the facts. You can get more information about how to document appropriately here. Remember that the more rational you sound and appear, the more unreasonable she will seem.

Keep your wits about you and document, document, document. You may even be able to sue for a hostile work environment—although lawsuits are the last resort because they drag on forever, they are expensive, and you could lose. But, if your boss’s boss and your HR representative are on notice that you could make a case, that gives you a little more power.

You can allow yourself to just fold. You really can. And I’m sure that option seems quite appealing right now. That’s the long-term effect that lack of safety and constant turmoil can have. But what will happen the next time someone tries to intimidate you? If you fight now, you will be ready for the next time, and maybe the next bully will know you are not an opponent to be messed with.

I know you didn’t ask for this. We rarely ask for the trials that test us and make us grow. But I think you will continue to feel beaten down and unmotivated if you let IG win. Fighting back will restore your sense of self and your confidence. And even if you lose, you will know you tried and you didn’t make things easy for her.

Can you tell I really hate bullies? I just hate them. I am not very objective about it, and I can’t claim to be, because I feel so strongly that we can’t let them win. So feel free to take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Most people will agree that ongoing professional growth and development is important. That said, most people also know it can be quite challenging to establish new skills and behaviors. Competing priorities make it hard to focus, motivation comes in fits and starts, and there just never seems to be enough time.

There is a great way to improve your chances of working on your development—and that’s to enlist an accountability partner. What is an accountability partner? It is a neutral and supportive person who helps you stay on track with your development.

Time and again, it’s been shown that people are more successful when accountability measures are built into any self-development program. We just do better when we have support. An accountability partner can make the difference between someone who succeeds in their development and someone who loses focus.

So what could you achieve with an accountability partner in your corner? It could help you:

• Figure out what and who you want to be when you grow up. So many people are not fulfilled professionally and really have no idea what professional fulfillment might look like for them. An accountability partner can help you determine what makes you tick. Why is this important? Someone once said “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” But in order to choose a job you love, you first need to figure out what you are all about and what that job would look like.

You and your accountability partner can come up with questions to answer for clarification about who you are and what you want—such as What do I value? What matters to me? What’s interesting to me? What motivates me? What’s important to me professionally? It’s surprising how rarely people ask themselves these kinds of questions. Many seem to think they aren’t worthy of finding a job that honors their values or is interesting. An accountability partner can help them see not only that they are worthy, but that answering these questions can be integral to their well-being, given that work is such a huge part of life.

• Expand your options. When left to our own devices, most of us tend to see ourselves in a very limited manner. In other words, we aren’t very good at seeing our lives from multiple perspectives. We might think “I can’t figure out what I want professionally, I’m too busy making a living,” or “Who am I to think that I can do what I love?” An accountability partner probably won’t have those same limiting beliefs about you. They can get you to suspend reality for a time and dream dreams that may be big, but are also obtainable with some elbow grease. Often when brainstorming with others, we come up with ideas that may seem crazy but are actually seeds of brilliance. I can’t tell you the number of times someone has told me their professional dream and then immediately said it was unattainable—whereas from my perspective, their goal was not at all farfetched; it was, in fact, quite doable.

• Figure out where you go from here. Let’s say you did find answers to the questions above, and you suspended your self doubt at least for the time being. Now what? How does one make their hopes and dreams actionable? On your own, it can be challenging to figure out a course of action. But brainstorming potential actions with someone else can often spark big ideas you might not even have considered by yourself.

• Recognize accomplishments along the way. We often don’t recognize our own incremental changes—when we make progress and close the gap between where we are and where we want to be. But someone else can see our progress more clearly, help us recognize it, and keep us moving forward.

• Keep going when the going gets tough. Having a cheerleader is a very powerful thing—especially if it’s someone who will encourage you to take risks and do things that are uncomfortable. We’re much more likely to challenge ourselves when we have someone watching from the sidelines. Sometimes we will stumble, but we tend to get up much quicker when there’s somebody saying “Come on, keep trying—I believe in you.”

So where do you find an accountability partner? It could be your boss, a coworker, or a friend—or you could enlist the help of a professional business coach whose stock and trade is being an accountability partner. Many people have experienced how a professional coach has helped them by leaps and bounds.

Where you find your accountability partner doesn’t matter as much as getting someone in your corner to maximize results for you—or maybe your direct reports. You don’t have to go it alone!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

How do people who are comfortable with finite games like football or chess learn to flourish in a world that operates with an infinite mindset? In his latest book, The Infinite Game, Simon Sinek explains how leaders must learn to operate with the understanding that business isn’t about winning or losing—it’s about being ahead or being behind.

With finite games, players are easily identified, rules are fixed, and there is a clear end point. In the infinite games of business or politics, players come and go, rules are changeable, and there is no defined end point. The keys to navigating with an infinite mindset are to focus on innovation and to remain resilient during constantly changing times.

We can all too easily see the results of leaders who operate with a finite mindset—mass layoffs, cut-throat work environments, shareholder supremacy (placing stock prices above a person’s worth), and unethical business practices. These practices are so common that many have come to accept them.

But Sinek believes the situation will change when leaders operate with an infinite mindset. These leaders leave the company better than they found it because they serve and foster employees’ willingness to show up, work hard, and take care of each other. These leaders build trusting work environments where people depend on each other to make remarkable things happen.

Above all, Sinek wants to build a world where most people wake up inspired every morning, feel safe at work, and return home fulfilled at the end of the day. With leaders who think beyond short term and focus on the long term, this kind of world is possible. Leaders who operate with an infinite mindset will build stronger, more innovative, more inspiring organizations that will lead us into the future.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Simon Sinek, listen to the LeaderChat podcast, and subscribe today. Order The Infinite Game on Amazon.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an executive vice president at a large, fast-moving communications company. I started here as an intern. I love this company, my job, and my team—but most of all, I love to work.

I have been married 15 years and have four kids, ages 4-12. My husband has a great job with a lot of flexibility and works from home often, so he deals with the sick kids, the parent/teacher conferences—all of the things normally considered Mom stuff.

My problem is the constant judgment that comes from other women—old friends who stopped working when they had kids, neighbors who stay home with their kids, and even women in my company who have chosen to not go for senior leadership because they want to spend more time at home. I am sick to death of guilt-inducing questions such as “don’t you worry that your kids will resent you?” and “aren’t you worried that you’re missing their childhood?”

How do I respond with grace and aplomb?

Feeling Judged

Dear Judged,

Oh, my dear, I pray daily for grace and aplomb. I empathize with your position—in fact, I can clearly recall how the chorus I lovingly called the Mommy Police constantly criticized my deep passion for work when I became a parent.

The crazy news is that there will be people who judge you no matter what decision you make about working after baby arrives. If you had decided to stay at home full time, a different set of Mommy Police would judge you for slacking. Crazier still is that to some folks it’s okay for you to be a mom who works if you have to, but it isn’t okay for you to love your work. You have to hate it.

Rest assured, there is probably no mother in the western hemisphere (the whole world?) who doesn’t feel judged. The bottom line is that you have to make your own rules for yourself. You have to decide for yourself what it means to be a good parent and a good employee. With that choice comes a chorus of judgment from every possible angle. All I can really offer you is that if you are comfortable with your choices, you can just tune it all out.

The guilt is also a choice. To deal with it, you must be crystal clear about what is most important to you and what your standards are for being a good parent. Then design your life to comply with your own standards.

When my first kid was born, I read every possible parenting book. It was a nightmare. I got 27 different opinions about how to be a good parent. When I realized that I wasn’t a person who could stay home with a baby all day and stay sane, things really got complicated. I ended up having to work with a therapist to figure out my own point of view on how to be a good parent. Thereafter, I worked with a coach at every stage to redefine it for myself. How to be a good parent is such a deep mystery and so desperately personal that it’s no wonder we all judge each other mercilessly—it’s simply a projection of all of our worst fears.

Thomas Leonard, one of my dearest and wisest mentors, suggested discussing the situation with your whole family once they are old enough. Let them weigh in on a vision for how much Mom (and Dad, or other parent) works, and what Mom (and Dad or other parent) stuff is non-negotiable at home. Once you have worked it all out, you can have regular family council meetings to revisit how things are working for everyone. That way, everyone in the family at least has a voice.

So when someone questions your choices, the answer is something like this: “I think about my choices and evaluate them extensively on a regular basis. I recalibrate as needed. I discuss them with the entire family. And I love it all—my family, my work, and my life. How about you?” (I only wish I had had those words when I needed them!)

So go be a great mom, be great at work, and tune out the chorus.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

A new year is upon us. For many people, this time of year represents “out with the old, in with the new”—a new start or a new opportunity. I believe right now is the best time for self-reflection toward creating goals and identifying behaviors you need to become the person you want to be in 2020!

Imagine your desired future self. Who is the person you want to be? Is it someone who exudes executive presence, communicates eloquently, is a subject matter expert, is outgoing, or has confidence? Think big! Don’t limit yourself!

Next, what are the qualities you need to become this person? For example, would you like to be seen as charismatic, direct, self-aware, self-assured, sociable, empathetic, sincere, determined? It may help to think of the behaviors and qualities of a person you admire. Identify one or two behaviors to focus on to move toward your authentic future self.

Being your authentic self means being genuine and real. The way someone chooses to express confidence may be interpreted by others as cocky, fake, or power hungry. Be sure you are authentic and that you exhibit behaviors that complement your style. Let me share a story to help illustrate this point.

As an introvert, my natural tendency is to be a quiet observer and very guarded with what I say during a conversation. My goal is to be more outspoken and social. I once received feedback from team members who felt I was disengaged at times and who wanted me to share my opinions more often. I realized I was slow to respond and sometimes missed the opportunity to respond, which led to their perception that I was not engaged. I decided to make a change—and, most important, to do it in a way that was consistent with who I am.

I made an agreement with myself that I would start sharing my thoughts early in discussions, even if I did not have all the details or the time to process input from others before I stated my opinion. I gave myself permission to be vulnerable and uncomfortable with being more outgoing and outspoken.

Since then, I have been intentional with initiating conversations in social settings and speaking up during meetings and in group settings. I share my thoughts when appropriate, but I still engage through listening and processing what others say before I give my opinion.

Fast forward to today. During a large gathering of family and friends over the holidays, I was part of a discussion about the differences between introverts and extroverts, and being reserved versus outgoing. I stated I am an introvert, reserved, an observer, and not very comfortable in large settings. I was surprised to hear many state they disagreed with me. They gave me examples of when I was outgoing, displaying behaviors of an extrovert and a “social butterfly.” Looking back, I was happy I had accomplished an authentic behavior change, becoming more outspoken and social in a way that was still me.

How about you? Are you ready for a genuine change? Here are four steps to authentically change a behavior:

• Identify a behavior you want to change, such as shifting from timid to confident.
• Link the behavior to your values to be authentic. For example, being confident helps build positive relationships.
• Visualize the effectiveness of the behavior—a situation where you are confident and receive positive feedback from others.
• Create a plan of action. For example, be prepared for meetings, practice positive self-talk, learn presentation skills, etc.

It takes time, focus, and determination to change a behavior. But through self-awareness and being intentional with your actions, it can be done!

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I hate New Year’s resolutions and I don’t feel like making any this year. I have had some success with them in the past, but this year I just feel overwhelmed with everything I have on my plate. Still, I feel so much pressure to make some.

What do you think?

Cranky

Dear Cranky,

I’m with you. Forget it. No NYR’s for 2020. None. Zip. Nada. ZERO. Okay?

Where is this pressure coming from? Your community? Family? Work? Your own self? Does it matter? No, it doesn’t. The pressure is totally manufactured.

Sometimes you just have to let things go. Set a new goal, go for a new habit, stop something bad, or start something good when you are good and ready and not a moment sooner.

Look, the whole construct is totally made up. Completely and totally made up. You can do whatever you want. The gift of NYR’s are that they inform you of what is really important to you.

For example, if you set the same resolution every year—let’s hear it for ”lose 10 pounds!”—it is data. It tells you that you care about it, you cared last year, and you still care this year. Unless right now, you don’t. I am still working on resolutions I originally set for January 1, 2000 because they are still important to me. I have absolutely mastered one out of the three, but they all still matter, and I still care. But it is just information. That’s all.

The number one reason people don’t achieve their goals is that they have too many of them. So. let it go, Cranky, you are off the hook. I said so.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am uber conscientious and a perfectionist—and I can’t seem to stop. I was promoted a year ago and have a very professional and trustworthy team, but I am addicted to reviewing everyone’s work and making small edits and changes. I am staying way too late at the office and my husband is getting really annoyed with me. I know I’m overworking—but maybe more critically, I’m focused on the wrong things. I’m not paying enough attention to the tasks that are going to advance me professionally.

I know intellectually that I can’t dot every I and cross every T, but I just don’t know how to change. I keep telling myself I’m going to do things differently, but I just continue these compulsive behaviors. I’ve never found myself in this kind of situation. I used to be much more adaptable.

What do you suggest?

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

It sounds like you’re in a hard place where your behavior is causing you real suffering. The good news is that your self-awareness is breathtaking, so you have that going for you. One of two things is going on here: you are simply stuck in a big fat rut that you can succeed in blasting yourself out of, or you’re going to need some professional help to get back on an even keel.

There’s no shame in getting help. If your company has an employee assistance program, I’d highly recommend that you take advantage of it. Just a couple of sessions with a trained therapist might do you a lot of good. I’m not implying there is anything wrong with you—but you sound overwhelmed and unhappy. I don’t think it would hurt to talk things through and get some perspective.

On your own, you can do a few things immediately to shift your situation.

First, stop. Just stop. Your brain has gotten into the habit of being on an endless loop, and you have to interrupt it. Neuroscientists have a saying: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means you have well-worn neural pathways that make it easy for your brain to simply default to your usual way of operating. So STOP. Change your routine, change the scene, change it all up. Take a couple of vacation days and go for walks. Look at a horizon. Spend some time in nature. These aren’t just nice-to-haves—they all have been proven to change brain chemistry.

Next, make a list of all the habits you have created (most of which have made you successful, by the way) that need to change. It feels counterintuitive, but it is critical. You have to stop doing things that don’t serve you, so you can start doing things that do serve you. This sounds shockingly obvious, right? And yet—not everything that is simple is easy. If you want to learn more about the way we create and undo habits, you can read up on it here.

As you look to undo habits that aren’t serving you, remember that you can’t change everything at once. Prioritize the one or two things you want to stop or start that will make the biggest impact on your work processes. Maybe it is simply making a commitment to stop checking your people’s work. For example, you could announce that you will no longer be checking certain kinds of work. You can tell your team that you realize you have been overdoing the control thing, and it’s time to stop. Make sure they all understand your standards for what a good job looks like. (Please note: I don’t mean this has to be the first thing you do; it is just an example.)

Be sure to enlist others. You’ll need some support to make the changes you want to make. Discuss the situation with your manager if you can. Ask for a coach if that is possible. Enlist the help of a good friend you trust who knows you. It can be hard, but you should ask for exactly what you want and need.

Remember your past success. You know you have changed and have been adaptable in the past—you might think about looking back on what has helped you before. Self-awareness is the first step and you have that. Don’t stop there. You can do this, Stuck. You have done it before, and you can do it again. Take a step back, take a deep breath, get some perspective, set your goals, decide what to change, enlist others, and get help where you can. Help is available to you, and help is good.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Many leaders I work with know they would benefit from developing new skills but aren’t sure how to fit learning into their already packed schedule. I encourage them to think of their workplace as an on-the-job learning lab or playground where they can experiment with a new skill or behavior. I use this language because I think it’s best not to think of skill development as a big, serious task. Learners can relax into the learning by playing with it from different angles.

How about you? Are you putting off learning new things until the time feels right? Here are five strategies to help you get started.

• Choose one skill or behavior you want to acquire or improve. Get clear on one tool you want to add to your repertoire. Developing a new skill or behavior takes your best effort, so focusing on just one development area at a time prevents you from getting overwhelmed or diluting your efforts.

• Check your motivation. Do you truly want to develop this skill, or is it something you’ve selected because you think it might look good on your resume? Skill development requires that you be intentional and roll up your sleeves to hone what you want to learn. Internal motivation makes it much easier to put in the time and do the work.

• Create an image of what good looks like. Let’s say you want to become a more effective presenter. Once you determine you want to add that skill, create an image for yourself of what being a more effective presenter would look like. You can start by noticing good and not-so-good presentation skills of others around you—including people you work with, friends, family, or even the person giving away samples at a grocery store. After observing for a while, you will have created your vision of an effective presenter.

• Put your development plan together. Once you have your image defined, what you will you actually do to gain this new skill? If you aren’t sure, watch other presenters in person or online to see what they do that feels authentic to you. Seek advice and support from people who have presentation experience. Read books or articles on the topic. Look for tips, tricks, and suggestions that motivate you and resonate with who you are as a person.

• Ready, set, go. On the job is the best place to practice a new behavior—but use care. If you want to add presentation skills to your tool kit, it’s probably not best to start by volunteering to present to your executive leadership team. Start small, then build up your opportunities for practice as your skill level increases.

You don’t have to wait until your calendar opens up to work on skill development. You can practice on the job in the learning lab that is your workplace. Put these five strategies to work and take the first step today!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am trying to make something of myself. I am in Nigeria and have little access to opportunity.

I struggle with not having a role model to look up to because of my environs and the kind of people within my sphere. I have a desire to stand out as a woman, but I feel trapped like one going in a circle.

I love teaching and making an impact with people I come in contact with. But in my case, circumstances have kept me from getting the necessary education and skills for my dreams. I want to polish what I have and grow in it, but I need someone I can look up to who can help me be a better leader.

Any advice you have for me would be appreciated.

Looking for a Role Model

Dear Looking for a Role Model,

I have thought a lot about your situation, and I keep coming back to the same thoughts. I understand that your circumstances have prevented you from getting the education you need to pursue your dreams, but it does seem that you are in a decent situation now. It is natural to want to find someone to look up to, but if you can’t, you are just going to have to invent your own special brand of being a successful you.

I think it will serve you well to look within for your polish and to grow yourself as a leader. You have to decide what you think is important in a leader and then assess whether or not you have those qualities. If you do, you can build on them. If you don’t you can begin to cultivate them. Try to look at yourself through others’ eyes and ask yourself: Where do I have rough edges? Where might I shift my behaviors to be the leader I wish to be? In terms of finding role models, it might be hard to find one person who is everything that you hope to be. But you can identify one trait or skill that you find appealing in a person and emulate just that one thing.

I have always relied on books for the knowledge I lacked, and it has served me well. Of course, there are a million leadership books, so where to start? Naturally, I am going to recommend you start with two of my favorites by my father-in-law, the great leadership guru Ken Blanchard: Leading at a Higher Level and Servant Leadership in Action. You might also think about taking the Values in Action Character Strengths assessment. It is free online and can be accessed here. This assessment will help you to see yourself and what is already wonderful about you.

It sounds like you are on your own, my dear, so you get to make it up by yourself. No one is going to tell you what to do or how to do it. This is lonely, yes—but also liberating. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, and keep moving toward your goals and what interests you. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do it. And don’t give up.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am what’s called a “people leader”—I lead individual contributors at a global software giant. I am also a technical contributor as a subject matter expert in a specific application.

I don’t love managing people. I am quite reserved and I find it tiring—but it is the only way to get ahead in this company. I’ve always thought I would stay here forever and rise through the ranks. But there has been so much change over the last 18 months that I have had three different bosses. The last one barely seems to know I am alive and has no idea about my technical expertise.

The person who runs the team on which I am an SME disagrees with the strategic direction of the organization and is planning to leave. He wants to take me with him. He is convincing me that if I went, I would make a lot more money and be able to focus on my technical expertise. I am single and could move, although I would be leaving my family and friends.

I have gotten myself into a state and have no idea what I should I do. Thoughts?

Stay or Go?

Dear Stay or Go,

Ah, these big life decisions. Of course, I can’t recommend a course of action one way or the other. I personally have a bias toward action, which has brought me enormous joy and probably more than my fair share of really bad mistakes. But I can help you review the situation as you have laid it out.

You enjoy the technical part of your job, but you have been pressured into managing people. The company you work for is unstable and you get no attention or support from management. The one senior person who seems to grasp and appreciate your value is leaving the company and wants to take you with him. So far, he has made promises, but as yet you have received no official offer. If you were to agree to an attractive offer, you would have to move and leave a settled life with an established community.

Essentially, you just don’t have enough information yet. I think before you do anything rash, you have to get a solid offer that includes a substantial raise, a clear job description, and your moving expenses covered. Until then, it is all pure speculation.

But this event is a bit of a wake-up call that everything is not quite right in your current position. And it’s an opportunity for you to define for yourself what would be better for you. To make these big life decisions, it is helpful for you to understand your core psychological needs and your values.

Values are important. What makes you smile? What do you gravitate to naturally? What gives you energy and pleasure? Ask yourself: Will I be more aligned with my values in this new situation?

Your needs are even more critical. They are what you have to have. To figure out your needs, think about what you must have to be fully functional. It sounds like you might have a need to pursue your mastery of your technical expertise, but you have no need to be in charge of other people.

Some needs don’t really become apparent until they aren’t met. One of the best ways to identify your needs is to think about a time when you behaved badly or became almost sick with unhappiness. Chances are some fundamental need wasn’t being met. What was it?

Do you like to be appreciated or do you need it? Do you like having a close community near you, or do you need it? If you get a reasonable offer, you will want to ask yourself Will I be able to rebuild a life in a new place where I can get what I need to be stable?

If I could be so bold, I’d like to recommend my book Leverage Your Best in this column. It has some great detail on needs and values and it might be worth your while. The more you understand about yourself, the easier it will be to make these big life choices.

If in the passage of time and events you decide to stay where you are, this exploration will still be useful and will help you shape your career path and inform the requests you make of your current management.

I hope you do a little self-reflection and learn more about who you are and what you really want out of life. The more thought you put into it now, the more likely you will be able to create an extraordinary life with few regrets.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I work in a membership organization with a very old-fashioned outlook and a hierarchical structure. I am not a manager, but I did have one direct report at a previous employer. I am very interested in management and leadership and intend to have other management roles in the future.

Management practices here, although not toxic, are very poor. A couple of examples: beyond the broadest headline results, no one is allowed to know the decisions made at the monthly senior management meeting, even if you submit a topic for consideration. You certainly can’t attend in person to present. Offices are in an open plan that is set apart from the senior managers, who never venture out of their areas to engage with their teams.

I’m not planning to remain here very long, but I need to gain some specific skills and knowledge before I move on. My question is this: do you have any suggestions on how to deal with poor management, apart from sucking it up and learning more about how not to do things? I feel very much alone in delivering my objectives, although my manager fondly believes she is supporting me.

I know I can’t singlehandedly change this organization’s culture. I do my best to be professional and positive, but I am often seething inside. I’d be very grateful for your perspective.

Seething

Dear Seething,

I think in some organizations, your point of view might be sought out and welcomed—but probably not in yours. The passionate experts of best management and leadership practices will all tell you that the people and organizations who most need improvement are the ones who are the most oblivious and the most resistant to it. It is the way of the world, sadly.

It is possible your organization would be open to hearing your opinions during your exit interview, especially if you are an exemplary employee. And, of course, you can always write a review on Glass Door, or leave some of your favorite management books lying around the office. If your manager actually seems to care about supporting you, clueless though she may be, take the opportunity to ask her questions and seek to understand her experience, approach, and point of view. Understanding and walking in another’s shoes may help you manage your rage.

Which brings me to the seething thing, which is cause for concern. Anger can be useful. It can help you identify your own needs and values, which in this case is clearly happening. However, unexpressed anger can literally make you sick or cause you to blow up at work in a way that will tank any chance of getting a glowing recommendation. So I encourage you to find a way to simmer the seething. How, you might ask? The most obvious way is to get out of there as soon as possible—but you know that. You say you have some specific knowledge and skills to gain before moving on, but I wonder if those are worth the cost. You have made the decision, though, so you may have blinders on to the possibility that you could acquire those skills someplace more aligned with your values.

If you insist on sticking with your plan, here are some other ideas:

• Pay attention to what is working at your organization. They can’t all be total buffoons. The more you obsess about what management does wrong, the more evidence you will find to support your case. We all do this. It is a form of confirmation bias, and it is worth noticing in yourself. Flip what you pay attention to and start to notice what they do well, or even half decently.

• Meditate. Ten minutes of meditation has been shown to lower blood pressure—significantly—and keep it down for the whole day. Google it. There a million apps that will help you.

• Get more exercise. A couple of extra kickboxing classes a week wouldn’t hurt. Just calm down some of that adrenaline.

• Find the humor. Create a stand-up routine for your group of friends. Start a funny anti-bad-manager blog. Where do you think Dilbert came from?

• Vent with a friend who doesn’t mind it. Set a timer for seven minutes and just let ‘er rip. Then stop and move on.

Ultimately, if you really can’t change a situation, your only choice is to change how you respond to it. You have an opportunity right now to make the decision to choose a different response. Until you can get out, your best bet is to challenge yourself to do that. Treat this like the AFGO (Another Freaking Growth Opportunity) it is. AFGO’s are never particularly welcome or fun, but they sure are valuable.

Sorry.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

A common topic in my coaching sessions is work/life balance. Heavy workloads, daily abundance of emails, competing deadlines, required meetings, and other concerns can be so overwhelming that work can become the focal point and main priority in life. As a result, we can feel obligated to dedicate long hours to our work. We struggle with setting and honoring boundaries that could give us a more balanced life. Many of us know the benefits of a work/life balance, but fall short in achieving it.

The definition of work/life balance is different for each individual. For one person, it’s working a set number of hours in a day or week. For another person, it’s scheduling some longer days for more intense work and some shorter days that are easier. And some people prefer a compressed work schedule—such as four ten-hour days—so that they have an extra day off every week.

So how can you achieve much-needed balance between your work and home life? It’s usually a combination of priorities, boundaries, and structure.

Identify your priorities. Depending on where you are in life, your priorities may be different than they used to be. What is most important in your life right now? Think of what work/life balance means to you, based on those priorities. It could be something as simple as not taking work home or checking email on the weekends so that you can be fully present with your family. Or dedicating Wednesday nights to bowling with friends to keep your relationships close.

Set your boundaries. What boundaries might help you achieve work/life balance? It may be getting to work no earlier than 9:00 a.m. on Mondays and going home no later than 3:00 p.m. on Fridays.

Create some structure. What kind of structure needs to be in place for work/life balance? It could be having weekly one-on-one meetings with each staff member to ensure that you delegate more effectively.

Think before you commit. Do you sometimes say yes because you want to be seen as a team player—and instantly regret it? I’ll never forget a thought-provoking edict from my coach training: “Whenever you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else.” Pause to think about the potential impact of your answer before you respond to a request.

Honor yourself by applying any or all of these steps. You will instantly feel more in control of your daily life as you move toward the balance you need to succeed—both at home and at work.

Dear Madeleine,

A couple of years ago I moved from working in the bio/life sciences private sector to a government agency. It was a big adjustment, as you can imagine. Then, nine months ago, my direct supervisor was abruptly let go and I was tapped to be the boss. There was no due process, interviewing, or anything—I was just handed the job.

I was thrilled at first, but had no idea what a mess I was stepping into. I was put in the position of managing the people who were my peers, and they have all been here much longer than I have. I know some of them have struggled to not hold this promotion against me, but others have just let their hate flag fly.

If that weren’t enough, my new supervisor seems unstable. I never know what her mood will be. She starts every conversation with the problem of the day and wants me to help her understand who is to blame and how to punish them. I can’t really read her, but I can usually expect her to be hostile.

I am also dealing with some health problems that require multiple doctors’ visits but am afraid to share any information with my boss as I am certain it will not remain confidential. She thinks I’m slacking because I often take long lunches while at doctor appointments.

I am inspired by the mission of the agency, and I think I can really make an impact here—but I think the stress might just kill me. Thoughts?

Stress-o-Rama

Dear Stress-o-Rama,

Whoa. OK. Let’s review: you’re still adjusting to a government institution culture, your direct reports at the very least resent you and at worst hate you, and your boss is hostile and unpredictable. Is it possible your health issues are stress related? It doesn’t take an MD to suspect a correlation. Even if they are not related because you had them before all of this, it’s very possible the stress will make things worse. The research is unequivocal on this—and come on, did we really need the research to tell us?

First things first, my dear: your health. When people say things like “the stress might kill me,” they actually mean what they are saying, even if they don’t realize it. All the language we use that we pass off as metaphor is literal. That guy is a pain in the neck, this situation is crushing my back, she makes me sick, this job is sucking my soul out of me, my heart is broken. It is real. We are speaking the truth. And we all need to stop and listen to ourselves—me included—but right now, mostly you.

I appreciate that you are inspired and that you see how you could make an impact, but if the stress kills you, that won’t happen. Now you’re going to think I’m being dramatic, but I’m just going to say it. Stop. Breathe. Create an escape hatch. Go to HR, tell them about your health situation, and take some medical leave to get your sanity back. Go to your doctors’ appointments, learn to meditate, get acupuncture, go for long walks, speak to a counselor, create an action plan to get the likely direct reports on your side, and create a strategy to manage the nasty boss. Take two weeks, at least. Take PTO if you have to. You owe it to yourself to get the space you need to lower your stress level and craft a way to manage the multiple fronts on which you need to fight. Let’s be clear: I am not talking about taking a vacation. I am talking about taking a big step back, putting your self-care first, and putting a battle plan together with all of your wits about you. Get support from your best friends, your significant other, your parents. Devote yourself full time to getting yourself on an even keel and ready for what is to come.

With a little distance, you may see that you will not win here under any circumstance. That would be good data and something you can act on. Or you may see how you can win, get back into the game, and make the impact you so desire. But the breathing room and clarity you’ll get with a little distance are key. A couple of tools you can use immediately to calm yourself down:

• Meditation. No one has an excuse not to meditate, because you don’t need a book or a class anymore. All you need is to use a free app for 10 minutes a day. 10 minutes of meditation will lower your blood pressure from the first time you do it—and keep it down for the entire day. I have seen this work for the least likely, highest strung people in the highest stress situations. It is real. It works. Do it. 10 minutes.
• Morning Pages. This is a tool that was introduced in Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. Now I really am dating myself because it was originally published 28 years ago—but some things just stand the test of time, and this is one of them. It is super simple; first thing in the morning, even while you are still in bed, you write, longhand, in a stream of consciousness, for three pages. A legal pad, a journal, a notebook, whatever. That’s it. This benefits everyone in slightly different ways, but the number one response I have heard is that it lowers the static—the noise level in your head. Do it. It will take you 9 minutes and you have nothing to lose.

So I’ll bet you won’t take time off. Very few people do when they most need to. But maybe you will try meditating and/or morning pages. Either way, I really, really hope you make a concerted effort to calm yourself down so you can think straight, get your priorities in order, and stop thinking you might actually die. Keep me posted, please. Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is really tough—I would say borderline abusive. It isn’t just to me. He is awful to everyone. Because of this, I am in a constant state of anxiety and my work has definitely suffered. I was very good at my job but I know the quality has decreased because I have no confidence and can’t seem to make a decision anymore.

I wait for the boss to tell me exactly how he wants things for fear of doing it wrong. I know in my heart that I have a lot to offer and that I could do this job very well with little or no input from him.

Some days I feel like I just want to do the job the way I think it should be done—to hell with it—I’m going to get yelled at either way. What do you think?

Sick of Being Scared

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Sick of Being of Scared,

Well, at least it isn’t personal.

Okay, Sick, there is a continuum of options here. At one far end you have cowering submission, and at the other you have open conflict. No matter where you are on the continuum, you are going to be scared and your poor exhausted nervous system is going to produce cortisol and adrenaline. Eventually, something will give and you will get truly sick and have to take a leave of absence.

If you choose confrontation, at least it would put some control into your hands. The more control you can exert over your circumstances and the more certainty you can create for yourself, the less you will produce stress hormones and the better you will feel.

Are things too crazy for you to catch your mean boss in a calm moment and create some agreements? Tell him you want only to do excellent work and make him happy. Ask him to give you input at key junctures of your work so you feel confident about being on the right track. Walk through your ideas about how the work should be done and get input from him. Show that you are receptive to his ideas and willing to compromise.

Essentially, I’m saying don’t let your fear keep you from having discussions, especially since it sounds like he is going to huff and puff and yell regardless of what you do. If you can just remember that this is just the way he is, it doesn’t actually mean anything, and you aren’t going to die, you can take a stand for yourself and your ideas.

I think you nailed it—if you are going to get yelled at either way, to hell with it indeed; you might as well go for it. Think of your boss like you do cold rainy weather: put on your metaphorical raincoat, pop up your imaginary umbrella, and just let yourself be okay with getting a little wet. Who knows—he may respect you all the more for it.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’m a mid-level manager with a large team. My boss pretty much leaves me on my own to get my job done. He knows he can trust me. My problem is that I am constantly anxious about my performance, even though no one tells me it isn’t good enough.

Everyone keeps talking about people who are strategic, and I honestly don’t know what that means. I’m pretty sure I am not. Right now we are setting our goals for the year and it’s difficult for me. I think I’m just not a very good planner.

The more I think about this stuff, the more anxious I get. I feel like it is ruining my life.

Help?

Anxious

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Anxious,

Okay, let’s unpack one item at a time, shall we? First things first: your anxiety. It appears there is no rational reason for you to be anxious. Your boss trusts you, you are doing your job well, and you aren’t great at planning—but very few people are.

Have you always had a lot of anxiety, or is this a new development?

If you have always been anxious, you might consider working with a therapist to get to the bottom of it and get some real help. Most organizations have Employee Assistance Programs that are totally confidential and allow for at least a couple of visits with a professional. It can’t hurt and will probably help.

If your anxiety is new, you might examine what has recently changed. Are you watching the news more? That will ratchet up anyone’s anxiety. Have you altered your living situation? It’s possible that a change in routine has thrown you off balance. Often even small changes that we think shouldn’t affect us can throw us for a loop.

One client I worked with was a wreck. When we tried to pin down what was going on, I suggested that it might have to do with the fact that she was getting married. She kept saying, “But I am so happy, this is a good thing, I don’t know why I am so emotional and worried.”

Even the best change is hard and can throw us off center. So cut yourself some slack. Identify the source of new anxiety so that you can address the root cause. Sometimes just clarity and acknowledgment will help you get back on an even keel.

As it happens, there are a few little techniques that can reduce the hold anxiety can have. One is a gratitude practice. Any time you have a down moment—walking up the stairs, taking an elevator, waiting for a light to turn green—just make a quick list of all the things you are grateful for. Your cat, your new phone, the lunch you had today, your best friend, your best employee; anything good or even kind of good that comes to mind. It literally shifts your thinking and your brain chemistry and will always help, never hurt.

Another thing to try, especially at work, is to list your strengths and everything you are good at. Is there any harder job than mid-level manager? I don’t think so. It is fiendishly difficult to be squeezed by top leadership and by the people you are sworn to protect and serve. I wrote an article about this a few years back. I’ll bet you are actually really good at a lot of things that are easy to overlook when you are super focused on your least strong suit.

Let’s talk about the strategy thing now. Strategy is a big word that means lots of things to different people. The actual definition of strategy, from dictionary.com, is: “a plan of action or policy designed to achieve a major or overall aim.”

You clearly can do that, because you have done it in the past. It may not be easy for you—but if pressed, I am certain you have a strong grasp of what your team needs to achieve and what you all need to do to achieve it. You may need to think out loud with a trusted co-worker or one of your team members, and you may have to create several drafts until you get it right.

Planning does require a lot of mental horsepower and some creativity; so, really, it isn’t easy for anyone to do. Try blocking off some quiet time, especially in the morning when you are fresh, to map out your ideas. It will be messy at first but you can put it all into order after you get all your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. It will also take a few iterations to get it right. Perhaps you are not comfortable with mess and expect yourself to get it all crystal clear and correct on the first pass. You will need to get past that expectation.

If you really feel stuck, there is no reason not to discuss this with your boss. Just because he can depend on you doesn’t mean you are on your own and can’t ask for direction and support when you need it.

When people talk about others being strategic, it can mean any number of things: they are making every decision according to a big master plan, or they have a perspective of the big picture, or they can see how multiple departments should work together to reach a common goal or how the company fits into the industry and the trends in the marketplace. Keep in mind, it could also mean the person is masterful at delegating brilliantly so that they never end up having to do any actual work.

I worried the same thing about myself a few years ago and ordered the book Learning to Think Strategically by Julia Sloan. Some of the material—more than I expected, actually—was not news to me, but the author had some good tips I had never heard of for thinking things through. I would submit to you that a book like this will help to remind you of how much you actually do know and fill in a few blanks. Strategy just isn’t that big a mystery. I think the word just scares us.

Finally, anxiety is no joke. It can color every facet of your life and make everything difficult. Don’t try to gut it out alone if this little chat doesn’t help. Get some real support. It can make all the difference.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

After years of working under a very bright, well organized manager who communicated clearly, I now have a new manager who is—well, a twit. He was a new hire who managed another department and when our old manager left they moved him into this job.

It is a lateral move for him and he is not happy about it. He has made no effort to understand what our department does, and he doesn’t seem to have a clue. He crashes into our regular department meetings and throws out tasks for people to do with no rhyme or reason. He does no follow-up and gives no rationale for the huge amount of “make work” he has us all doing.

A few days ago, he demanded that I create a report and said he needed it for a meeting early the next morning. I stayed late to do it although I didn’t understand what he was going to do with it. As it turned out, he didn’t do anything with it—I heard from someone who was in the meeting that he never presented it.

He constantly lectures us on how we need to work harder to compete and keep up with the digital age. It is all hot air and totally irrelevant. We all hate him.

My immediate problem is that he will soon be doing my performance review. He doesn’t know me at all and was not involved with the original goals that were set. I crushed my goals this year and I am afraid he won’t give me the top ratings or raise I deserve. I am also afraid my face won’t be able to hide the contempt I feel for him.

Battling the Twit

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Battling the Twit,

Well, this sure sounds stressful. It’s hard to go from having a great manager who keeps everyone producing on an even keel to one who creates chaos. And you are not alone—I get piles of letters that begin this way: “My boss/employee is an imbecile/a cretin/a psycho/a criminal.” Your new manager sounds like a nasty combination of all the above.

Chances are that this manager is madly casting about for some direction and either too proud or too ignorant to ask for help. So here’s a thought: offer to help him! Offer to share your department’s goals and how your goals mapped to them. Be prepared to show in writing how you achieved all your goals for the year and how your work helped the department and the company. Ask how you can help him be successful in his new role. Make yourself his guide and helper. It might just work. Either way, you will know that you have taken the high road and made an effort.

If you prepare rigorously for your performance review, it will hard for him to disagree with you. Get as much feedback as possible from people you work with—peers, internal clients, matrix managers. There is a perspective that everyone is doing the best they can do given their worldview, experience, and skills. Adopting this view may help you find generosity in your heart and keep the contempt off your face. Failing that, practice iron-clad self-regulation. If you don’t get a fair rating from him, you need to be ready to escalate to HR.

Ultimately, you are going to have to either find a way to live with this situation or find another job. It won’t hurt to brush up your LinkedIn profile and your resume. It isn’t fair, but don’t let that stop you from being prepared and doing your best.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Perhaps, like me, you suffer from the inability to say the word no. As soon as I hear “You are so good at…” or “We really need you…,” I am captured in the web of overcommitment and the stress that often accompanies it.

As I analyzed the various commitments, projects, and requests that I have said yes to over the past few years, an interesting pattern emerged. Nearly every one of these activities fed my need to add value to the world through either helping others or using my personal strengths as a coach.

However, another pattern became quite evident: one commitment cost me a significant amount of time and money; another came with time demands that challenged my work calendar; and still another involved extreme neediness and life challenges on the part of two close friends.

At some juncture in each of these examples, there was a moment when I realized the incredible outpouring of my time, research, money, and stress, and I cried out loud: “What have I done?”

Fast forward to the present. I persevered through all of those challenges and ultimately recognized that I must perform some type of triage on every request made of me in my non-professional life. How about you? Have you ever found yourself overcommitted and then wondered how you got yourself in the predicament in the first place? If you’re like me, you have—so I suggest you give yourself the Will this bring me joy? test. There are four steps:

1. When a request for a commitment arrives, take 24 hours to think about the ramifications on you, your schedule, your finances, and your well-being.
2. Ask yourself: Will this commitment bring me joy or add stress? Will it involve more time, money, or goodwill than I am ready to give?
3. Trust your instincts and be true to yourself. Answer wisely.
4. Keep an index card visible that reads Will this bring me joy? When in doubt, answer the question.

When I look back on the outcome of the experiences I mentioned above, something powerful occurs. I feel overwhelming joy. Joy that comes from having fulfilled my purpose. Joy that comes from knowing new learning will take place because of content that I created. Joy that comes from having witnessed true joyfulness in a friend as she accomplished her quest.

Sometimes, taking on a commitment is a leap of faith. You can complete your due diligence by instituting the Will this bring me joy? test and saying yes wholeheartedly. Sometimes joy shows up in the darnedest places. Asking Will this bring me joy? will remind us to always seek it out.

 About the Author

Patricia Sauer is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world.

Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I started my career in marketing and had some great jobs, but I really became interested in the people side of things after being trained in communication and working in teams. 

My graduate studies were in Organizational Development.  I am still at the first job I was offered—in HR as a trainer—but I just don’t like it. Most employees don’t seem to really care about training and it is always up to me to try to make it interesting for them. 

I now realize that what I really am is a coach. I wish I had a graduate degree in coaching instead of OD.  How can I tell if I would be a good coach?  How do I know if I would like it better than being a trainer? How would you recommend I proceed?

Missed the Boat?

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Missed the Boat,

I get a lot of letters asking about this as well as a lot of requests for informational interviews from people who are thinking of becoming coaches, so your questions are timely. 

What is coaching, really? It depends on who you ask.  It might be easier to define what coaching isn’t. Coaching isn’t giving people feedback, telling them what to do, or teaching or training them. Coaching isn’t a matter of simply listening really well and asking some questions. 

Our organization defines coaching as “A deliberate process using focused conversations to create an environment that results in accelerated performance and development.” 

Coaching requires partnership and dialogue. Ideally, both parties learn from the experience. Many think that coaching is about giving advice. In fact, a coach can offer ideas and suggestions but generally guides clients through their own decision process.  One of the reasons I do this column is because I really don’t give much advice in my work, but it is so much fun to do it!

How can I tell if I would be a good coach? Good coaches are collaborative by nature. They want the best for their clients and see them as capable and creative. They trust others to solve problems and make decisions.  The professional organization I am most familiar with is the International Coach Federation (ICF), which is the oldest and largest professional association for coaches. The ICF has developed a thorough list of competenciess that can help you understand where your development gaps might be.

Where do I begin if I think I want to pursue being a professional coach?  The ICF website (www.coachfederation.org) is an excellent source of information about all aspects of embarking on a coaching career. If you decide to go forward, you will need to go through a coach training program.  There are a lot of programs to choose from, many of which offer a lot of flexibility and a nice mix of in-person and online training.  Attend all informational programs and really do your research before you decide on a training program. There are a lot of scams out there where people promise the moon but the program doesn’t really deliver.  Get references—find people who have attended the programs that appeal to you and talk to them.  And stay away from any program that uses high-pressure selling techniques to get you to sign up.

You might also be interested in my list of Nine Books on Coaching that Coaches Need to Know About. The first few on the list, especially Co-Active Coaching, are key fundamental coaching texts.

Many credentialed coaches complain that anyone can hang up a shingle and say they are a coach, and this is true.  What many people can’t do is get through an accredited training program, jump through the hoops to get their credential, stay on top of their own professional development, and build a thriving practice of clients who will refer them to others.

Can I make a living as a coach? Yes, but don’t quit your day job. Give yourself a reasonable timeline and get used to the idea that you have to market yourself. Having a background in marketing should help you, because building a thriving practice takes a fair amount of work. Okay, a lot of work.  It will also help your credibility if you lean on your professional experience. Since you are already working in an organization, you might be able to become an internal coach where you are—consider discussing this possibility with your boss. I have seen some situations where an organization has funded coach training for some of their HR people. 

The thing most people won’t tell you is that to be successful as a coach you have to be able to attract clients, retain your clients, and thrill them to the point that they refer people to you.  So you must get really, really good at it and be impeccably professional. This will take some diligence and some time.

Coaching is a deeply rewarding career. The coaching mindset and skills translate beautifully to mentoring, managing, parenting, and building a terrific life for yourself. It will involve a steep learning curve and some intense personal development, which is not always expected but always necessary. It will take longer than you think it should, and it will be harder, too—but then that is true of most things.

I wish you good luck on your coaching adventure.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

Earlier this year I joined a consulting firm that works with companies in my previous industry. I had taken a break to get a management degree and got a taste of consulting doing an internship that was part of my program.

I believed consulting would be a different world where I would learn a lot—but now, seven months in, I recognize that I learned a lot more five years ago when I started my career as an entry level employee.

My workload isn’t interesting or challenging. My peers are all younger than me, and all they do is complain about their jobs and bad mouth others. And when I told my supervisor how I feel about my job during my midyear review, she didn’t seem to care.

I’ve always had opportunities in the past to work with people my own age or older—people I could learn from who knew more than I did. I’m worried that I’m stuck in the wrong job and that it will negate the five years’ experience I had when I came here.

Please help!

Feeling Stuck

Dear Feeling Stuck,

Everyone is motivated to work for various reasons—the need to pay the bills is usually number one. But it is clear that you deeply value a safe and collegial working environment. A learning environment, challenging work, and adding value also seem to be very important to you.

It sounds like you are not going to get any of those where you are now. But you are only “stuck” if you are being held hostage. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case, so … go! Go as soon as you can. You haven’t let so much time go by that you have lost the value of your previous stint. In fact, you might think about going back to your old company, perhaps this time in a management position.

Honor your own experience and instincts. Find yourself a job where you can excel and a working environment that brings out the best in people.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I spent a decade of my career at a very sexy, high profile tech company and rose to a senior position. I worked 24/7 and my commute was a horror show. When my kids were little, my husband was traveling a lot for his job, and things started fraying around the edges, I decided to dial things back. I found a great position—a demotion—in a much smaller, not-at-all-sexy company. It took me a while to get used to a slower pace and a much more conforming, less creative culture. They have been doing things the same way here forever, and one of the reasons I was brought in was to pull us into the twenty-first century. I feel like I have finally settled in and am now doing really interesting and exciting things in my job.

My problem is one colleague.

She is at the same level as I am—a peer, essentially—but she has been at this company forever and doesn’t have much experience out in the modern world. I need to collaborate with her to accomplish my goals. I’ve tried several approaches, but she has literally ignored my emails, not returned my calls, and made herself inaccessible. I know she screens my calls and doesn’t pick up when she sees it’s me.

I’ve never had a problem creating relationships before now. I’ve always found a way to get along with everyone, even if it was hard. I finally came out and asked her what I was doing to cause her to be so hostile to me. I was shocked when she told me, straight out, that she is jealous of me—and therefore doesn’t like me and is committed to not working with me! She added that it was nothing personal and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was speechless. It would be one thing if she was unconscious about why she didn’t like me—that, I would understand. But how can someone just be okay with admitting to envy and accept that it’s okay to sabotage entire work projects because of it? It seems so childish and pathetic.

The worst thing is, I have no idea what to do now.

Green Eyed Monster at My Door

Dear GEM@MD,

Wow. This is a new one. Just when I think I can no longer be surprised by how frail and small human beings can be, I am as stunned as you are. I have often worked with folks who have had a badly behaved, envious colleague who seems to be unconscious of their motivations. But I agree—to be fully aware and conscious of such a low motive, and then consciously choose bad behavior and admit to it seems beyond the pale!

I immediately stooped to being as small and awful as your Green Eyed Monster—my first thought was that you should pour Elmer’s glue on her computer keyboard. But fun as that might be, it will not solve your problem. I had to go out to my advisory team* on this one, because I was stumped. Responses were quite varied, but I was not alone in my childish “glue on the keyboard” reflex.

Margie Blanchard wanted to know if you have a boss, and if there was any reason you couldn’t get some help there. She said: “Generally, I haven’t seen situations like this one resolve themselves and they can be very toxic to colleagues. This is why bosses exist.” My thought is that you probably don’t want to involve your boss unless you absolutely must, and you are trying to figure out how to deal with this yourself. To that end, the Blanchard Coaching Services team consensus is well summed up by Patricia Overland. We call this the “kill her with kindness and make her love you despite herself” approach.

• Always take the high road. Continue to invite—but not wait for—collaboration.
• Make your advocates aware. Don’t necessarily spill the beans about the conversation, but do ask for some advice on how you might engage the jealous person.
• Ask the person to imagine a situation where the two of you were working together incredibly well to create something spectacular. What would that look like? Then work to co-create that reality. (This one takes some Emotional Intelligence that the jealous person might not have, but it’s worth a shot!)
• If all else fails, don’t stop being fabulous. Make visible your intent to include and collaborate and find small ways to give the other person some credit, if possible.
• This is a relationship that will take time to build. Start small, build trust, and keep at it.

My approach would be to just plow ahead and tell the truth: go around her, above her, or below her to get done what you need to get done. If anyone asks why you are going about your business that way, tell the truth. Say, “Oh, Marci won’t work with me, but I have to carry on despite that.” No blame, no judgment, just a statement of fact.

When in doubt, it never hurts to take the highest possible road. No matter what happens, you will always know you did the right thing, did your best, and were the bigger person.

And if you do put glue on her keyboard, please don’t tell anyone it was my idea.

Love, Madeleine

*The unofficial Ask Madeleine Advisory Team is made up of the staff of Blanchard Coaching Services (Patricia Overland, Terry Watkins, Mary Ellen Sailer, Joanne Maynard, and Sally Smith), my sister, Mia Homan, and my mother-in-law, Margie Blanchard. My husband, Scott Blanchard, is also consulted on a regular basis but never gets any credit.

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve had my eye on a position that might be opening in my company. It would be a big step for me, but I think this is the job I have always wanted.

My problem is that the minute I start even thinking about applying, I feel overcome with anxiety and literally break into a cold sweat. Then I hear a voice in my head saying, “Who the heck do you think you are?”

How do I get up the nerve to pursue this? I am not even sure I want the job, but how will I ever know if I get so anxious I can’t even think about it? Help!

Riddled with Doubt

Dear Riddled,

It is rare to have so many topics covered in such a short question, so I will take them in turn, in order of priority.

1. You need to get some help with your anxiety before you do anything else. We all deal with some anxiety, but yours is interfering with your life. This is the definition of an emotional or psychological condition that needs to be addressed. Anxiety is tricky. It creeps up on you slowly and backs you into a corner before you even realize what is happening. So I am telling you, point blank, you are in a corner and you need to get some help. There are some excellent tools available to help you tame your anxiety. If those don’t work…well, a professional can help you.
2. You have had your eye on this job, so clearly you can see yourself in it. Do you think you have the skills and competencies required to apply and be taken seriously? More important, do you trust yourself to be able to learn quickly and grow into the job in a reasonable amount of time?

In another part of your email you stated you are a female. As a woman, your social conditioning does leave you at a disadvantage when it comes to putting yourself out there. The statistics are varied, but the one I see most consistently says that men tend to apply for opportunities when they have just 60 percent of the qualifications, while women generally don’t apply unless they are 100 percent qualified. The various reasons for this are outlined in this article that might interest you.

Ultimately, the rules that make someone successful in school don’t really apply to working in large systems. The way to get ahead and continually find challenges for yourself will require you to take risks. You will fail, but you will also succeed. As many have said, if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “no.”

3. I was struck by your use of the language “Who do you think you are?” This is language we hear from people in childhood designed to keep us in our place. It is cruel and demeaning. And here you are, using it on yourself! Cut it out. Honestly. It isn’t as if you are proposing to perform brain surgery with no training. You are simply thinking about maybe trying for a new and different job that may be interesting.

I would ask you to answer that question realistically. Who do you think you are? What are your skills and strengths? What experience do you have? What do you bring to the table that maybe no other applicant has? To get a new perspective on this, you might try taking that Values in Action Strengths Assessment—it’s free and fun. It will help you answer that question more positively than you otherwise might.

This is kind of old news, but I love it so much and it has not lost its power—and you may never have seen it. It is from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love and it was quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inauguration speech:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone—and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Finally, Riddled, get your friends and family on board here. Ask anyone for support that you know loves you and wants the best for you. Get a handle on the anxiety, stop playing small, get support, and go for it. Start with some deep breathing. Breathing never hurts, and always helps.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I started a business with my best friend about ten years ago after the real estate bubble burst and we were both laid off from our financial services business. 

Against considerable odds, we have been very successful.  We decided when we started to grow that he would be CEO and I would CFO/COO.  The roles made sense in terms of our strengths and skill sets. 

In the past two years or so, my partner has let the title go to his head and has begun acting as if he is the sole head of the business.  He has been making decisions on his own, without consulting me, and treating me as if I am his employee, not his equal partner. 

We have identical financial stakes in the business and have been working side by side the whole time—so we are, in fact, business equals. It would bother me less if he weren’t making some poor decisions.  What do you think I should do?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

This situation should bother you a lot, even if he were making all good decisions.  Somehow you have given away your power to your partner and you need to cut it out.  Make a date to have a good chat. If he won’t commit to a time, sit in his office until he walks in.  You may have to force the issue because at this point he is probably avoiding you.  You must absolutely stop this situation before things spiral out of control.

Business partnerships are like marriages.  They both require a baseline of mutual affection and respect and a contract or code for behavior—but most important, they need wide open communication.  I wonder if you have set values for the business.  If so, you might be able to call on those.  Either way, something has shifted and you must address it now.

Prepare for the conversation by being clear about what behaviors are out of character and not working.  Do not attack him personally.  Formulate your requests for change and be prepared to make them.  Also be prepared to hear from him what you’ve been doing that is not working for him, as I am sure there are things that are going unsaid.

Somehow, something went sideways between the two of you—and you probably know what it was.  You need to get it all out on the table.  It wouldn’t hurt to work with a professional who can help the two of you communicate and set up rules of the road for moving forward. But that is in the future. I am a big fan of a technique from Paul and Layne Cutright called the “Heart to Heart Talk.” It’s a way of getting all the stuff that needs to be said between two people out on the table so that it can be discussed and they can move on. Randy Conley wrote about it in another Blanchard blog, which you can read here.  This technique could be step two. It’s very effective—but it requires the two participants to behave themselves and really act like grownups.

Please don’t let this go on much longer. The more you let your partner run amok, the more normal it will seem to everyone and the harder it will be to stop.  The longer you don’t stand up for yourself as an equal, the more he will treat you as if you’re not one.

Good luck, Concerned.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I work as a training manager in a large organization. Two years ago my boss was let go. Since then, I have been doing both her job and my old job.

I like my current boss (formerly my boss’s boss) but it’s obvious that he is fine with the existing situation. I’m not—and I feel taken advantage of.

My review is coming up and I am wondering how direct I should be. I am an introvert and quite shy and standing up for myself is not my strong suit. On the other hand, I am angry now.

Mad at My Boss

Dear Mad,

Getting two full-time employees for the price of one is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Managers get away with it because employees let them. It’s good that you’re angry. I hope that anger will catapult you into action and get you to stand up for yourself. Use it to drive your planning and fire up your courage.

You should be very direct—but the key is to remain emotionally neutral while being so. It is my experience that the reason most people don’t demand what is fair is that they can’t find a way to express themselves without becoming emotional. So they just don’t express themselves at all.

So how to do it?

Think long and hard about what your requests will be. Put them in order of priority and decide what is negotiable and what isn’t. Then practice, practice, practice. Ask a friend to play your boss and force yourself to do it. It will feel awkward, and you will feel embarrassed at first—but isn’t it better to feel that way in a safe environment than when you are with your boss and the stakes are high?

Practice ways of saying no. Try variations like “That doesn’t work for me; what if we did this instead?” or “Let’s consider another approach.” Get comfortable with a couple of phrases that may not be normal for you. You are asking yourself to perform something way out of your comfort zone, so preparation will be your best friend.

Reflect on your experience with your current boss and brainstorm all possible objections or arguments he might use to talk you out of your requests. Practice your well-thought-through responses.

Think through everything—job responsibilities, how attached you are to the change in title, and, of course, salary. Put it all in writing so you don’t forget anything (easy to do if your nerves get the best of you). Begin by asking for everything you want and be ready to negotiate down to what is essential. Decide in advance what you are willing to give up—and what you will do if you can’t get what is most essential to you.

You should consider being prepared to leave the job if you can’t get your boss to agree to your bare minimum. This means brushing up your resume, polishing your LinkedIn profile, and even putting out feelers if you haven’t already. Having a Plan B will make you feel stronger in your negotiations.

You may find a lot of excellent support in Amy Cuddy’s book, Presence: How to Bring Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. Amy Cuddy is a social scientist who has overcome her own natural shyness, so she strikes me as extraordinarily credible. I am a big fan of her research on “power posing” and have used it myself before doing things that scare me. If you don’t have time to get her book, you can at least watch her TED talk.

When the time comes for the conversation, take especially good care of yourself. Make sure you have enough time and you won’t be interrupted. Remember to breathe. If you feel dizzy from nerves or can’t remember what you wanted to say, feel the soles of your feet on the floor and take a deep breath. Everything you need to remember will come in on your breath and you will be fine.

Most of us spend all of our time preparing for what we want to say and no time at all preparing for the end of the conversation. Your manager will benefit from this and will probably try to get you to agree to things in the meeting, but don’t fall for it! Do not, not, NOT capitulate to anything in the conversation. Instead, take everything he proposes—take notes if you need to—and tell him you will think about it. This will give you the time you need to think things through with your wits about you.

This may all feel like overkill, and it may be. But I guarantee all of this thoughtfulness and preparation will give you gravitas and make you brave—which will make it much harder for your boss to turn you down.

Fortune favors the brave…and the prepared.

Be fierce.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I’ve noticed a trend when doing these debriefs. A client’s self rating is often noticeably lower in several areas than ratings from other people such as their direct reports or their boss. Most clients aren’t surprised at this; in fact, many laugh and chalk it up to their being a perfectionist. They often say they know they set a high bar for themselves and put lots of pressure on themselves—but they seem to accept this as the way they are wired. But is it?

Most people agree that striving to continually grow and develop and to achieve one’s goals is a desirable trait. Perfectionism, on the other hand, can be a different story. A perfectionist is often defined as someone who strives for flawlessness.

Many of my clients who label themselves perfectionists push themselves harder than anyone asks them to. They tend to work more than they need to. They fear making a mistake because they are afraid others will see their imperfection. These behaviors and beliefs can make them inauthentic in their interactions with others because they don’t like to reveal what I call their “soft underbelly.”

Full disclosure here: I have perfectionist tendencies. But seeing this characteristic often in my clients has caused me to look at my own perfectionism and make efforts to throttle back these inclinations.

I like what Dr. David Burns, author of the highly regarded book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, said about perfectionism:

“Perfection is man’s ultimate illusion. It simply doesn’t exist in the universe. There is no perfection. It’s really the world’s greatest con game; it promises riches and delivers misery. The harder you strive for perfection, the worse your disappointment will become because it’s only an abstraction, a concept that doesn’t fit reality. Everything can be improved if you look at it closely and critically enough—every person, every idea, every work of art, every experience, everything.”

Most perfectionists have been that way all their lives and often have underlying beliefs that drive their perfectionism. That said, greater self awareness and a commitment to lighten up on oneself can be a start. Thanks to the internet, there is much information at our fingertips regarding the pros and cons of perfectionism as well as techniques for lessening its negative effects. Here are a few:

• Realize that we are often our own worst critic. Most people are not rating and judging us to the degree we are rating and judging ourselves. Interesting fact: people often feel uncomfortable around perfectionists.
• Don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides. Most people tend to put their best “Facebook” image out there—one that is different from how they actually feel inside. So don’t compare yourself to others.
• Try to keep in mind what author Brené Brown says: “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it’s a shield.”

I often ask my perfectionistic clients if they could “dare to be average.” They usually groan—because to them, average is tantamount to failure. Some, however, do work to unclench their jaw and not operate at full throttle all the time. So far, none of them has died, and several have reported feeling more at ease then they have in a long time.

Might you benefit from examining whether perfectionism is having a negative influence on your life? Please let me know what you discover!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am terrible at my job and it is only a matter of time before I get fired. I don’t like any of my direct reports. I am supposed to do one-on-ones with them, but I find them so boring and whiny I can barely listen to them.

I am making errors because I can barely pay attention. My boss quit unexpectedly about three months ago and my motivation has gone downhill since then. I used to care and love coming to work, but everything has lost its luster. Help! I feel so…

Lost

Hi Lost,

I am so sorry. You sound very downtrodden and sad. You need to get immediate help. Go to HR and find out about any possible Employee Assistance Program that might be available. My company is tiny and there are posters for the EAP in the break room—I’ll bet your company has something that can get you at least a confidential session with a trained counselor.

It sounds like you are in grips of a serious depression, possibly triggered by your boss’s departure. This is not something to shrug off. This is serious, and you need to get help. Depression is fiendish and it makes you feel hopeless, but treatment can help. For more detail about depression try this website.

So the first thing to do is to try to get yourself some professional help. Next, call your best friend or a parent or a sibling—someone you can rely on to have your best interests at heart—and tell them how you are feeling. Get someone who knows you and loves you on your team right now and let them support you in getting the help you need.

Then make a list of things that would normally give you pleasure—playing with a dog, taking a bubble bath, walking in the woods, etc. Get outdoors. If activities that normally give you pleasure do not, then you are definitely suffering from depression. If they do give you some pleasure, all the better.

Please get help.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I recently took a director level job with a huge Fortune 50 organization. I have been thrown into the deep end and I am worried about completely bombing out. I have had zero onboarding, so I am constantly making errors and spending tons of time backtracking and clearing things up.

I am really trying to do all of the things that Michael Watkins says to do in The First 90 Days, but his methods pre-suppose a sane organization. I am in back-to-back meetings all day, taking work home at night, and I have a list of deliverables as long as my arm.

When I ask my boss about how to prioritize my work, she just looks at me blankly. She clearly expects it to all get done at the same time. I have two direct reports who are already swamped and I am working on hiring a third one. 

I am used to getting things done and making an impact, but I can’t do that here. I am literally in despair that I left a great job to jump into this hell. Should I just jump ship before I get fired?

Want to Jump Ship

Dear Want to Jump Ship,

This sounds hard—regret about leaving a comfortable situation for a hellish one can really take the wind out of your sails. But take heart—you are suffering from the classic, predictable stage of disillusioned learner! In our SLII® training, we teach that we all start on a goal or a task as an “enthusiastic beginner,” and then hit the wall and become a “disillusioned learner.” This development level is marked by all the things you are thinking: “What was I thinking, leaving my old job?” “I am never going to make it here.” “Should I jump ship?”

The thing I can say to you is: this stage won’t last. You are going to figure this out and get yourself on an even keel from which you can make a rational decision. Big corporations can feel like lunatic asylums—I know, I have worked in some.

You will find your groove and fit right in. Or you may not. Either way, you will make the choice to stay or go based on the criteria you decide.

So what are your criteria for an organization you want to work for? Examples might be: amazing leadership, the company is making the world a better place, you are making more money and amazing benefits which will allow you to do something you always wanted to do. Make your list. When you feel as if you can breathe again, consult it and see if you are in the right place.

In the meantime, since your boss has no interest in helping you prioritize, you will have to prioritize for yourself. Since you are at director level, your boss probably assumes you know how to do this and expects you to do it. Decide what tasks you think are most important, find something that can get you a win, and focus on that. You might choose wrong—but honestly, what do you have to lose? Do a couple of things well and get your feet under you.

Take a few minutes a day to meditate, calm your brain down, and breathe. Take a deep breath in and exhale. Take care of yourself, eat lunch, and go home at a reasonable hour. You will wake up one day soon and realize you are fine.

Breathe.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been with the same organization for eight years. My company offers anyone who has been here for seven years a reduced pay, three-month sabbatical. My boss keeps pestering me to schedule it and take one. (I totally get that this is a good problem for me to have.)

I don’t have a partner or kids. I know I should take advantage of this opportunity, but I have no idea what to do! I have been thinking about it for years and have always thought something would come to me, but it hasn’t. I am interested in a few things, but none quite enough to take a pay cut and leave the flow of my job.

I am at the point now where I think maybe I’m just not that interesting a person if all I really care about is my job. I am also worried that I will take my sabbatical, it won’t be the best thing ever, and I will have wasted my time and money. Any ideas would be appreciated because I feel stumped and—

Pressured

Dear Pressured,

I think the pressure to do something brilliant with your sabbatical makes it hard to be creative. My first thought was how jealous I am—but then I started wondering what the heck I would do if I had three months of footloose and fancy free. It is, in fact, kind of hard unless you’ve always wanted to write a book or travel all over the world, or unless you have an extensive bucket list.

I don’t know that you need my ideas, but I do have a couple of thoughts for you. Maybe, if we’re lucky, my readers will have some more suggestions in the comment section.

• What do you do in your free time? There might be some clues there. If you cook, maybe cooking school? If you do yoga, a yoga retreat?
• Do you volunteer? Maybe there are service opportunities in that area.
• You could go talk to your HR partner and see what other people have done. Your company may have service opportunities for sabbaticals in place. One of the organizations we work with has something called a Social Sabbatical where employees get to go do service work for a month. The company that organizes it is called Pyxera Global.
• Use my BFF Google to come up with some ideas. Look at this site I found: 100 Things to do with Your Sabbatical. I want to do about 92 of them.
• Talk to your friends. If you have always talked about wanting to do something specific, they will know.
• Is there something specific you could learn that would make you even better at your job? That might be an avenue.

The most important thing is to do a bunch of research. Then put a stake in the ground and take the leap. Just changing up your routine and learning something new will be good for your brain and your soul. It probably doesn’t have to be the whole three months—maybe you will only want to take a month or two. Anything you do will be an experience and a learning opportunity. But if you don’t take the opportunity to do something, I am afraid you will regret it.

Let me know what you end up choosing.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

This was never more true for me than these last several weeks as I spent time with my father. We knew that he wouldn’t be with us much longer and it was easy to get distracted with worry and fear. But Dad reminded me of a valuable lesson: you don’t know how many moments you have in life, so take the ones you have and live them fully.

There was a bittersweet freedom in knowing our time was limited. Eating Jell-O was a delight. Helping him sit up so he could read was another treasure.  Every touch of my dad’s hands, his smile, and a look from those piercing blue eyes that never missed a thing were moments I cherished as they were happening.

Rather than dwelling on what was to come, or what I wanted desperately to control, Dad had the grace to show me, moment by moment, that there was joy to be had in our precious time together.

This was an extreme situation that warranted mindfulness and being fully present.  It was a reminder that we can’t control the future or change the past—and that every moment we have opportunity to live our now fully and with appreciation.

Putting that into practice every day can be harder to do. Eckhart Tolle says:

“The moment you realize you are not present, you are present. Whenever you are able to observe your mind, you are no longer trapped in it. Another factor has come in, something that is not of the mind: the witnessing presence.”

That makes perfect sense—and it can be wildly difficult.

Here are three questions that may help you live for now, rather than for the past or the future:

• What am I feeling right now?
• What is happening right now?
• What joy can I find in this moment?

Thank you Dad, for such great life lessons.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

That’s wishful thinking, says Sanborn.

Sanborn recommends that people practice “positive discontent” in their lives and says that life gets interesting when you ask yourself, “How much better could I be?”

He offers four reasons for getting started sooner rather than later:

1. Change: If you stay the same, you get left behind
2. Customers: The more you do, the more they expect—you have to keep improving
3. Competitors: They keep getting better—you need to, also
4. Capability: It gives you a chance to offer more to the world

Sanborn discusses his Potential Matrix, which focuses on both your inner world and your outer world. In the outer world you have performing and learning.  In the inner world, thinking and reflecting. Sanborn explains that most people have a preferred quadrant, but it’s best to work on all four and look for improvement in all areas.

“Start with what you most need to improve. Where would you see the most benefit?  This makes it easier to create momentum.”

Next, Sanborn recommends finding people who can help you along your journey.

“Engage others—think who before how. Who can help you get better?  Find an expert who already knows.”

Sanborn also discusses how to disrupt your present thinking, refocus on what is important, and increase your capacity.

“You need to disrupt yourself before someone else does.  You probably have a relationship, process, or problem that you know isn’t working very well.  It’s always better to initiate disruption yourself than to wait for things to get worse—then you have to act.

Sanborn specifically encourages leaders.

“Leaders know what matters—the key is to make it matter to others—that’s what makes you a leader. Focus on the important things. Grow yourself and grow your team.  Learn how to accomplish more in the same amount of time.”

And finally, some personal advice.

“Each morning make it a goal to go to bed that night a little bit smarter than you were when you woke up.  Learn something new.  Try something different.  Make a new a new friend. Pursue a new idea. Don’t go through life status quo.”

Be sure to listen to the very end of the interview to hear Ken Blanchard’s thoughts and takeaways from the ideas Sanborn shares!

In working with 149 adults from different business and networking groups, Matthews found that

• Those who wrote their goals accomplished significantly more than those who did not write their goals. (+18 percentage points)
• Those who sent their commitments to a friend accomplished significantly more than those who wrote action commitments or did not write their goals. (+21 percentage points)
• Those who sent weekly progress reports to their friend accomplished significantly more than those who had unwritten goals, wrote their goals, formulated action commitments or sent those action commitments to a friend. (+33 percentage points)

Importantly, Matthews found that the improvement held up on goals ranging from completing a project, increasing income, increasing productivity, getting organized, enhancing performance/achievement, enhancing life balance, reducing work anxiety or learning a new skill.

Ready to stack the deck in your favor with a key goal for this year?

1. Write it down.
2. Email it to a friend.
3. Set up a recurring meeting to send your friend a progress report.

Yes, you’ll be making yourself vulnerable and accountable—but you’ll also be setting yourself up for success.  Here’s to a successful and goal achieving 2018!

Learn more about Matthews study here.

But instead of looking at your goals and lining them up against the measures for success delineated by your company, I propose a different review today. Ready? Look ahead—far, far ahead. Think beyond your work achievements and consider your life achievements. My question is simple: what would you like to be remembered for?

Rarely does a person asking this question think, I’m so glad I hit 15% increased revenue generation each year! If they consider work at all, it’s more likely that they think of the people with whom they achieved that goal. And it’s very likely they think about those at home who benefitted from that success.

For most of us, life is about people. And at the end, reflections on life are recollections of people.

So, on the work front: will you be remembered for working with people, or for working people over? Will you be recalled as a developer of others, or one who mows them down? Will you have shared personal stories with your people and heard their stories, too? Or will they have just occupied roles at work? Will people know what you cherished and valued? Will people recall that you valued them?

The day in, day out behavior people observe in you informs them about you much more completely than an assessment filed away in HR ever would. As the aphorism goes: “People may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

What will others remember about you? As the great poet Annie Dillard said: “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.”

How are you spending your days? How will you be recalled by others? Now is the time to make sure that what you do each day contributes worthily to a life well spent.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

When I met my husband, he was attending a prestigious business school. He graduated top of his class and was aggressively recruited by a big company. We thought he would rise quickly, get regular salary increases, and it would all be rosy. In the meantime, I would help out working as an admin and then I would stay home with the kids.

Well, he didn’t rise—in fact, he was let go after 18 months. Then he was fired from his next job. In all, he has been “downsized,” as he says, four times and is currently unemployed.

My plans to work and then stay home have gone in a different direction. It turns out I am really good at what I do and I really like working. My company paid for me to go to grad school at night, I have risen through the ranks, and now have an excellent job managing a team of professionals in a growing industry. I mostly do the second shift to allow me to spend time with our kids.

I keep trying to help and encourage my husband, but it’s not going well. When I make suggestions, he accuses me of lording my success over him. He rants about how smart he is and how well he did in business school. He says despite what I might think, I am really just a glorified admin, which really hurts my feelings.

My husband refuses to accept responsibility for anything that has happened. I am at a loss for how I can help him anymore. He is so depressed now he can barely get off the couch, much less show up well for a job interview. What would you do?

Can’t Help

Dear Can’t Help,

I am sorry your plans as a couple haven’t worked out the way you expected, but I am thrilled you found a job you are good at and enjoy.

My short answer about how you can help your husband is this: you can’t. Your husband has an underlying issue he is not dealing with that is keeping him from growing up and developing self-awareness about the part he has played in his work experiences.

When a person has had a lot of opportunity, has failed repeatedly, and then blames everyone but themselves for their lack of success, it is often due to a deeper problem—sometimes substance abuse or a personality disorder. Those two things are traditionally what keep people from being able to show up with their best foot forward and tell the truth about what is happening to them.

Sometimes people really do have terrible luck—but the fact that your husband is mean to you when you have clearly been supportive of him is an indicator that there is more going on here.

You and your husband need professional help. I am not sure what kind—but starting to work with a counselor or therapist would be a good first step. A professional will know what to look for and can recommend the right direction. Not every professional is going to be a good fit, so trust your own gut.

If your husband won’t go, go by yourself and get the support you need to take care of yourself. It is not unkind or unfeeling of you to stop providing help to someone who has not asked for it and in fact repays it with meanness. At this rate, you are going to run out of steam before too long, so I highly recommend you put yourself and your kids first.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I had my first baby three years ago and now have another one on the way. I am an attorney in a New York law firm and the main breadwinner in our family. My spouse works from home and does the lion’s share of the child care.

As soon as I started showing and announced my pregnancy, the managing partner of our firm—who has been my mentor since I was a third-year associate—called me into his office and talked to me about going “mommy track” and not being serious about my career. He told me he was dumping me as a mentee and was going to find someone else.

I am tough, but it was everything I could do not to burst into tears. I had thought he understood my plans. I feel betrayed and I want to go back and confront him—but I’m not sure he isn’t right. I resent how much I am missing of our first child’s babyhood and am often jealous of my husband. I’m not sure what to do. Help.

Mommy Tracked?

Dear Mommy Tracked,

It is awful to be rejected by someone who you were sure had your back—and also to be questioning your own big plan on top of everything else. From a social neuroscience standpoint, your brain is on tilt right now. It is probably best to take a step back, think things through, and get yourself on an even keel before making any rash decisions.

Let’s start with the personal rejection piece. There are a couple of techniques you can use to lessen the emotional impact of what the managing partner did. If you are like most of us, ever since it happened you’ve been thinking about the things you should have said. Regrettably, this creates a loop that is self-perpetuating—the more you think about it, the more you think about it.

To reduce the emotional grip the conversation has on you, I have a couple of techniques you might want to try. The first is called labeling. To do this, you simply tell the story of what happened and label each emotion you experienced at each moment. For example: “When my managing partner started out with ‘I see you have another bundle of joy on the way, and I am disappointed in you,’ I was shocked at his rudeness.”

Another method is called distancing. You recount the events as if they happened to somebody else. For example: “She walked into the managing partner’s office expecting to talk about the holiday bonus and instead was attacked out of the blue. She was utterly dumbstruck…”

Now let’s address the ambiguity of your future, given that you are doubting your original plan. Uncertainty is very destabilizing so be gentle with yourself. I am not an expert in gender politics so I can only share my point of view here. Having been born at the very tip of baby boom tail, I grew up hearing the assurance that I could have it all: not just work but significant work that generated revenue—and romance and marriage, and children.

Having worked the entire time I raised my kids (who are now in their twenties), I found that women can have it all, just not necessarily at the same time. And not necessarily in all institutions. For example, if you want to have a front row seat to your kids’ childhood, you can be an attorney—but you may not be able to be a partner in a big NYC law firm. It has been my experience that moms who struggle to give 100 percent at home and 100 percent at work benefit most from doing what they love and are good at, in a way that offers them flexibility.

My point here is, now that you have experienced the reality of your dream, you may want to revise it and possibly shift your priorities. Let me be clear: I am not advocating the merits of one path over another. I am advocating that you choose your turn at this crossroads with your eyes wide open.

Take stock. Talk with your spouse about how you feel—just airing your feelings may reveal something important. You may decide to go the warrior route and prove yourself to your managing partner with renewed vigor. Or you may decide to make some changes to your plan. Either way, if you tell yourself and your spouse the truth as you are experiencing it right now, you will soon know what is right for you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Kaye shares new ways to stay engaged and feel valued for managers and others who work in flat organizations—companies that offer few opportunities to climb the traditional corporate ladder. Kaye says a focus on creating engaging work and new opportunities for growth can help.

Part of the process for individual contributors is about changing their perspective on their current job. Kaye jokes that the grass is not always greener on the other side. “Sometimes when we get there, we find out it’s AstroTurf.”

Instead, Kaye suggests individual contributors ask themselves a few key questions—”What part of my job do I love?” “How could I do more of that?” “How can I talk to my manager about this?”—and then move on to what Kaye calls career calisthenics: “What part of my current job could I push away from?”  “What parts of my manager’s job could I pull toward me?”

Kaye also recommends people open themselves up to alternative career paths by seeking out options other than just waiting for a promotion.

For managers, Kaye recommends a one-on-one conversation with each direct report that focuses on the person’s career. Questions such as: “What was the best part of last week for you?” “What did you like best about the last project you worked on?” and “What one skill have you brought to this position that you haven’t fully used yet?” are all good places to start.

It’s not easy. But it can be done. And in this podcast, Beverly Kaye shares how.

Be sure to listen to the end of the episode to hear Ken Blanchard’s insight on the concepts Kaye discusses.

Dear Madeleine,

I am fairly new to managing a large team in the property management industry. I was a team member for a long time. One of the reasons I was promoted was because I was a work horse. I have a lot of energy and was used to putting in ten- and twelve-hour days on a regular basis. I raced around in my truck going from task to task at different properties, helping people solve problems.

I really like the challenge of being a manager—but something has begun to worry me. I start at 7 a.m. and by 2 p.m. I am exhausted, even though I work from home most days. I’m on the phone in endless meetings dealing with strategy, budget, and gnarly personnel issues—and by the middle of the afternoon I’ve got nothing left.

What is happening to me? I am worried that my boss is going to think I am a slacker. Maybe I am not cut out for management? Help!

Out of Battery Power

Dear Out of Battery Power,

Okay, let’s review. You had a job that had constant variety, allowed you some nice mental breaks while driving around, and let you win several times a day because you knew what you were doing and got to interact with nice people who were grateful you showed up. Now you have a job that requires you to sit at a desk at home by yourself, engage in creative visualization of an uncertain future, crunch massive amounts of numbers and translate reality from them, and ponder and try to solve problems regarding the most complicated thing there is: people. What could possibly be wrong?

Your brain is tired, as well it should be. In your old job you got breaks, you spent time with people, and you got to solve solvable problems—which was fun! Now you probably get no breaks at all, you spend time alone, and you have to try to solve unsolvable problems. Also, you are new in the job so the learning curve feels brutal.

Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a little time to get your head around the job. And try these strategies to take better care of yourself and your brain.

• Get some exercise before you start for the day. You used to be in constant motion, which was clearly energizing for you. Even a walk around the block will improve the blood flow to your brain and increase your creative problem solving.
• Get a good headset so you can pace while on conference calls. You used to be on your feet a lot. Now you are an extension of your desk chair and it’s killing you slowly.
• Remember to eat breakfast and lunch. People who work from home seem to either eat constantly or forget to eat.
• Remember to stay hydrated. Research shows that dehydration can cause lightheadedness and confusion.
• Get out of the house during your workday. Going to a nearby park would be ideal, but at least sit on your front step. When you do this, don’t look at a screen—look at faraway things; a horizon line if at all possible. Gazing at a horizon releases a very specific kind of endorphin which increases our feelings of well-being. Try to have lunch with a friend or colleague at least twice a week. You will have to resist thinking about work, but it will make you more effective in the long run. Can you work from the office a couple of days a week? Do it if you can.
• Take tiny mental breaks throughout the day. You may not realize how many breaks were built into your day in your old job—moments when you were operating on auto pilot and your brain was essentially at rest. If you are in constant meetings from 7:00 to 2:00 with no breaks built in, your brain goes on tilt.
• If possible, do your more difficult tasks before 2 p.m. and leave everything that’s easy to deal with until later in the day. I once heard a senior executive say out loud that she didn’t schedule anything hard after 2 p.m. and I was impressed with her self-awareness and honesty. Her afternoons were reserved for reading, responding to email, and administrative tasks that she could do in her sleep.

I have yet to work with a manager or leader who gets the amount of “white space” they need to just think about everything that needs thinking about. Welcome to management! You may be fried by 2 p.m., but I would bet a paycheck that you never, ever stop thinking about your job now. Before, when you finished your shift, you were done for the day. Now your job is 24/7—so you need to learn how to pace yourself and settle in for the long haul.

Until you get actual feedback from your boss about your performance, stop wasting valuable mental energy judging yourself. Devote that energy to taking better care of yourself and I’m certain you’ll notice an increase in your mental stamina.

Give yourself a break—literally.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing a team in the insurance industry for the last fifteen years. There has been a lot of change—mostly reductions in staff size and increases in work load—but basically it is pretty much the same stuff, just a different day, and has been for a long time. 

My last kid will graduate this coming spring and already plans to travel the world working odd jobs to pay for it. All day long I dream of doing the same thing. I am actually envious of my kid.

I am so bored with my job that I literally dread going to work. I watch the clock all day. I used to care so much that I would take work home and work on weekends. Now I literally leave things undone, but either my boss doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. I had committed to myself to stick it out until retirement, but that is a good ten years from now. 

For a while I was just kind of asleep, but now it is feeling like a nightmare.

What to do?

Asleep

Dear Asleep,

In our business, we call this condition “quit and stayed.” You are not alone. There is something about human nature, especially for people of certain temperaments, that too much security and sameness puts us to sleep. Your business isn’t happy about it, even if you haven’t seen the evidence yet. If you are senior enough to have a big salary but you aren’t inspiring your people and going the extra mile, I guarantee you are in somebody’s sights. What I want for you is to be at choice so you can make the best decision for your immediate future before someone makes it for you.

I have two words for you. Wake up.

You have so many choices—with the two ends on the continuum being (A) stay and make it work and (Z) go travel the world. You can stay where you are and decide to re-engage: take some training, get interested in developing your people, get trained for a new role. You can craft a plan to leave: stay in your job, reduce your expenses, save up for a big adventure. You can volunteer, get involved with new committees at work, take up yoga. The beautiful thing about envy is that it gives you data about what your heart truly desires. If travel has seized your imagination, maybe you can get a transfer with your company and go do your job somewhere else.

It is possible you have lost sight of what is important to you and what your strengths are.You might take a look at the Values in Action assessment to re-connect with what makes you wonderful and what  is most important to you.

If you really can’t snap out of it by yourself, go talk to a professional. You may be suffering from depression and it has sapped you of all verve and imagination. One thing is for sure, though—if you aren’t already depressed, trying to stick it out with no changes for another ten years will certainly do the trick.

This situation is not your fault. It is part of being human. But now that you know the reality of the situation, you need to take action. Talk to your friends.Talk to a professional. Make a plan and follow through. Don’t put it off. This is your life, and I would hate for you to regret not having taken advantage of this moment of clarity.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I am 43. Two and a half years ago I needed to get back into working after nine years as a stay-at-home mom. It was slim pickings out there, but I was finally able to secure a job with a local chain restaurant as a marketing person.

Today I feel I’ve outgrown the role—but I can’t say I’m a pro at any of the newer software out there or that I have much bullet point experience.

I’m stuck in a challenging position. As a single parent, I need to work mostly during school hours—preferably with flexibility to work from home. But because of my lack of experience, I find I’m looking at the same jobs as twenty-somethings.

I have a lot of energy and I am enthusiastic, but it seems Millennials are what employers are looking for these days. How do I present myself on paper and in person as a more desirable candidate?

Ready for More

Dear Ready for More,

So, disclaimer right up front, I am not a career counselor. But I do have some thoughts. It is interesting to me that you say Millennials are the desired employee when, frankly, all I hear is complaints about them. Let me be clear—I personally have no complaints about Millennials. However, it is my experience that a lot of employers would love to have a smart, hardworking person with some life experience and common sense on their team.

You seem to have a solid two and half years of marketing experience, so I’m not sure why you are downplaying that. And you say you are not a pro at any software—but I wonder what it would take for you to become an expert at some of the marketing software that folks are using.

The school hours and flexibility thing does add to the complexity, so I asked my BFF Google to help me with “jobs for stay-at-home moms with no experience,” and guess what? All kinds of interesting ideas.

Try one of these sites.

https://realwaystoearnmoneyonline.com/jobs-that-require-no-experience/

https://workfromhomehappiness.com/work-from-home-jobs-no-experience/

These are ideas I never would have come up with and they seem legit. Isn’t the internet a wonderful thing?

I also encourage you to think about what you really want for yourself, long term. Think about your dreams and values and move toward what lights you up. I would point you to a TED talk by my pal Laura Berman Fortgang. She wrote a book called Now What and nailed the formula for finding what you are meant to do, what will bring you joy, and who you can really be out in the world.

Finally, people are more likely to pay attention to job candidates who are recommended by folks they know. So I urge you to formulate some ideas of jobs you would be great at that might fit your flexibility needs, and then share your new goals with everyone you have ever met. Go on LinkedIn and Facebook and every other social media platform you might be using. You just never know where your break is going to come from, so the more you spread the opportunity for others to help you, the more help you will get. People absolutely love to help if they can, and they are tickled pink if a connection they make results in a win!

My last point is very important. In your letter I notice your main focus is on what you have going against you. I submit that it will be much more helpful to concentrate on all the things you have going for you.

I do hope career counselors in my audience will weigh on this!

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Many are service oriented and find joy in helping others achieve their dreams. Some enjoy the entrepreneurial aspect of owning their own business and having the freedom to work with as many or as few clients as they desire. Still others work in corporate organizations and have been tasked with coaching others.

Regardless of why one comes to coaching, the mindset of the coach is the foundation on which great coaching occurs. Here are three fundamental coaching beliefs to ensure your best possible mindset.

Trust that the person being coached is resourceful, capable, and brilliant. A coach’s job is to bring forth those qualities so that the client can move toward achieving their goal.

Believe that people can change. Even those most resistant to change can grow and learn. It is the job of the coach to believe for the client until they can believe on their own.

Show up fully present and ready to engage. The people you are coaching are overwhelmed, tired, scared, excited, nervous, joyful, distracted—sometimes all at once! As a coach, how you show up can make a huge difference.

Even when these beliefs are present, how do you create the proper mindset? A little bit of self coaching can go a long way. Here are five techniques that can help.

1. Take a deep breath. Now take another.
2. Ask yourself: “How do I want to show up for my client today?”
3. Read your notes, remind yourself of what your client is focused on, and be ready to discuss it.
4. Greet your client with joy. Look FORWARD to coaching!
5. Say to yourself: “My client is fabulous. We are going to have a great coaching session today!”

Think of a coaching mindset this way: it is a perpetuating reality that you create for yourself. You get to choose what to think and how to feel. That mindset then becomes part of what makes you a great coach!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Greene shares some of the key points from his book, beginning with the importance of self awareness—getting a clear sense of who you are, where you are going, and what motivates you.

From there, Greene discusses the importance of acquiring skills. He makes a strong case for an apprenticeship approach, where you focus on skill development above all else in your early years on the job. The goal is to develop the type of skill mastery needed in today’s specialized world.

Finally, Greene recommends developing a plan to fully leverage the skills you’ve developed.  Planning can be self-guided, though he does recommend finding a mentor as a great way to shorten the process.  The key is to take action, overcome fear and inertia, and learn how to experience failure and learn from it.

Overall, Greene provides an inspiring look at how to become the person you know you can be!

Be sure to listen to the very end of the interview, where Ken Blanchard shares his thoughts and takeaways.

Dear Madeleine,

I hate my job. I am just bored to tears. When I completed graduate school, I was recruited into what I thought was the perfect job for me—the job description was exactly what I was looking for. A year later, I am doing a ton of mindless administrative work and almost none of what was in the original job description.

I have tried to speak to my boss about this, but she says I need to pay my dues and that she will consider me for the next project that would suit my skills. In the meantime, my peers keep dumping their admin work on me.

I dread going to work. I have stopped going to the gym and I fear I am sliding into full-on depression, which I have a history with. It scares me. I would quit, but of course I have crushing student debt now. What do you think?

Bored to Tears, Maybe to Death

Dear Bored to Tears, Maybe to Death,

This is a terrible situation and I am so sorry. It must be really demoralizing to spend the money and make the big effort to complete an advanced educational program and then find yourself in a job that is killing your soul.

It sounds as if you are in a very bad way. Depression is no joke. I highly recommend that you find a therapist right now, I mean right this minute, to talk to and get some perspective. Given the details you provided, I suspect your company has an Employee Assistance Program and that you can probably get six sessions with a therapist. It will be totally private and will get you back on an even keel, back in the gym, and able to think straight. Exercise has been proven to be an excellent hedge against anxiety and depression, so get moving.

Once you have stopped the downward spiral, you will need to start an upward spiral. I hate to say it, but this probably involves looking for a new job. You may be able to make a go of it where you are now, but you would need to set a whole lot of boundaries and train everyone around you to see you in a new way.

Unfortunately, your boss and your peers have been getting away with treating you unfairly. I really don’t want to be mean, but people will continue unacceptable behavior as long as you allow it—and you have allowed it. Unless there was an upfront disclosure about having to pay dues with tasks that were not in your original job description, you seem to be the victim of some kind of bait-and-switch situation.

You didn’t say anything about salary, but I suspect they are underpaying you as well. And they will keep doing it as long as you put up with it. You may choose to have the hard conversation with your boss about how she needs to either upgrade all of your work assignments—now—or risk losing you. That conversation will go a whole lot better if you feel safe to leave, meaning you have another option.

The good news is that you have a graduate degree and a year’s worth of work experience under your belt. I think it is worth the push to brush up your resume and try hard to start over with a new organization and a new boss—who won’t take advantage of you because you won’t let them.

Get into action. In this order:

1. Get immediate help. Talk to a therapist, talk to friends, go to the gym.
2. Once stable, start applying for other jobs.
3. Use the new job possibility as leverage to fix your current situation; or simply walk away from people who do not have your back and go toward people who do.

It is really hard to stand up for yourself, Bored TTMTD, so you are going to need a lot of support. You are going to want to nurture your inner warrior. You might consider looking at Amy Cuddy’s work—her book is Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. The validity of some of her research has been challenged, but that does not diminish the power of her experience and work helping people who feel powerless to rise to a difficult occasion.

I am glad you wrote. I am sorry you are in such a rough spot. Get help. Now.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I share this because I’ve been reading some interesting articles lately from the field of metaphysics. The research suggests we create our own reality by what we think. We conceptualize those thoughts in language. It’s the language I want to explore with you today.

In their book Crunch Time, Judd Hoekstra and Rick Peterson explore the concept of reframing. They tell an amazing baseball story about a critical moment where reframing made all the difference. In metaphysical terms, it’s simple: change your thoughts to change your world.

A few years ago, one of our Blanchard coaches was working with a client who was about to present in front of her board of directors for a high stakes project. She was terrified that she’d throw up, stammer, blunder, and maybe even lose funding for the whole project. Her internal language was squarely focused on fear.

The coach helped her client shift that internal language to create a new reality—one in which she was the most qualified expert to share with interested and caring people how a bit more funding would have a far-reaching effect. The coach encouraged her to envision herself after the meeting, chatting easily with board members, smiling, laughing, and happily answering questions.  As a result, her inner voice went from a screaming demon to an encouraging counselor.

It’s not easy to create a whole new universe. In fact, it can be a lifelong effort to shift the language of our inner voice and thereby shift what we believe to be possible.

So think about this: what might you ponder on, say to yourself, or ask of yourself to shift your universe and build your new and improved reality? Then practice, practice, practice!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

I can’t get what I need. My boss doesn’t understand me. My organization’s systems don’t work. I don’t have the resources I need. My job doesn’t take advantage of my strengths. No one appreciates me. My boss micromanages me. There’s no room for me to grow. They don’t understand how much I could be contributing if only they’d give me a chance.

If you’re human, I imagine you’ve thought or invoked one of these statements. I know I have.

Even though we may be able to justify these types of statements, they often reflect our own assumed constraints: beliefs that allow us to escape personal accountability and fall victim to circumstances or the actions of others. In the new Self Leadership program I co-created with Ken Blanchard and Laurence Hawkins, we teach that self leadership is about having the mindset and skillset to accept responsibility and take initiative.

While it is wonderful to learn how to ask for the direction and support you need to be successful in your role, it’s also important to remember that when something goes wrong, there’s no one else to blame.

The Hard Truths about Self Leadership

• Sometimes you misdiagnose your competence. Not knowing what you don’t know can be dangerous. Enthusiasm and high commitment are blessings, but don’t mistake them for high competence. Self leaders are able to appreciate where they are on the learning curve, diagnose their development level on a goal, and recognize the times and tasks where they need direction. Self leaders also have the wisdom to ask how to do something they’ve never done before.
• You have to ask for feedback. One of the most important habits of a self leader is proactively asking for feedback every day instead of waiting to get it. Recent research suggests people are more likely to listen to feedback when they have asked for it. And neuroscience shows the brain is more ready to integrate feedback when it’s asked for and received at a time that is most relevant to the learner.
• The best person to solve your problems is you. Nobody knows your problems better than you do. With experience, the best person to solve a problem is the person who identifies it. Self leaders go beyond problem spotting to proactive problem solving, which has been shown to reduce workplace stress and result in higher energy at the end of the day.
• You must stop blaming others. Even if your manager is ineffective, dismissive, or a micromanager, you need to build on the positive direction and support you do get from them—and manage up or around to get what you still need to succeed. When you take the lead in regular one-on-one meetings with your boss and ask for what you need, you may discover they simply weren’t aware of those needs.

Who Benefits from Self Leadership?

At an organizational level, recent research shows that the most important key to successful initiatives in organizations is the proactive behavior of individual contributors—self leaders who have the ability to accept responsibility and take the initiative to make change happen.

At an individual level, self leadership helps you liberate yourself from the perceived tyranny of organizational life, which frees you from assumed constraints that can limit the quality of your work experience. Being able to respond effectively to everyday challenges can be personally and professionally rewarding.

The responsibility for your success at work falls to you. The good news is that you have a choice. Is developing the mindset and skillset required to be a self leader worth your effort? Yes! A not-so-hard truth: the benefits of self leadership are as good for you as they are for your organization.

About the Author

Susan Fowler is the co-author of the newly revised Self Leadership and The One Minute Manager with Ken Blanchard and Laurence Hawkins and lead developer of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Self Leadership product line. She is also the author of the bestseller, Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work… and What Does. Susan is a Senior Consulting Partner at The Ken Blanchard Companies and a professor in the Master of Science in Executive Leadership Program at the University of San Diego.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a very large company and have managed a small team for a couple of years.  About a year ago, my department got a new leader, who is my manager’s boss.  This new leader came from another part of the company and apparently is being groomed for the senior leadership team.  Here’s the problem: he’s a first class jerk.  He withholds information, dresses people down in front of their own team, and takes credit for anything good that we all do.  He is just awful.   

I have nothing but respect for my immediate manager, who reports to the jerky boss.  But ever since the new leader arrived, my manager has changed into someone I don’t even know.  He seems paralyzed by indecision and is in a constant state of alarm.   He does not stand up for himself when he is bullied by his boss—which I know because I am often in meetings where this happens. 

This is driving me nuts.  I want to stand up for my boss but have been advised against it for several reasons.  I have also thought about submitting an anonymous report to HR about what I have seen.

I am losing respect for my boss and I am thinking of looking for a new place.  What do you think?

Want to Fight Back

Dear Want to Fight Back,

Well, that was probably good advice—you simply can’t fight other people’s battles for them.  And you probably can’t say anything to your boss about it, either, unless you have become really good friends and you are certain the breach of etiquette would be OK.

You can keep a copy of a great book about boundaries sitting on your desk—Boundaries for Leaders by Henry Cloud—and if your boss sees it and asks about it, you can loan it to him.

You can, and should, report inappropriate behavior to HR; perhaps even keep a journal with dates and times of egregious incidents.  I don’t mean any disrespect to HR, but I doubt they will be much help unless you witness your boss’s boss doing something illegal, like sexual harassment or some other kind of blatant discriminatory behavior.  Since the person in question has made his way up through the ranks without challenge so far, the values of your organization probably don’t address the situation you are witnessing.  Or the values exist, but nobody really cares about them.

Ultimately though, this just isn’t a situation you can fix—so looking for a new place to work probably isn’t a bad idea.  Best case would be that your boss gets a backbone, things change, and you don’t need to go.  In the worst case, your boss continues to let himself be bullied, your whole team is miserable, and you are out of there.

Your boss is lucky to have you because you really seem to have his back.  Maybe he will realize it and seek advice and support.  Most people who have gotten themselves into the kind of negative spiral you describe tend to isolate themselves—which is, of course, the worst response.

Good luck to you. I can only hope this whole situation will help you to stand up for yourself the next time you need to, and to be a better leader as your career progresses.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly new marketing manager for a large consumer goods firm. I have three great people who work for me—I inherited them, so I lucked out. We function like a well-oiled machine.

The problem is my boss. She was promoted about two years ago and now oversees several managers of different teams. She has always been a great boss and excellent work partner. She is smart, creative, and talented—everybody acknowledges that. However, over the last year she has become progressively more difficult. I send her drafts for feedback and she doesn’t get back to me until way after the agreed upon deadline, if at all.

Because our pieces are always part of something larger, we often have to submit our work without her feedback. But then she gets upset and wants to make changes, which puts the whole marketing department in an uproar. On top of everything else, her feedback is often inconsistent with what she had said she wanted in the first place.

I know she has a lot on her plate and is probably overwhelmed, but this situation is causing serious stress for me and my team.

Boss Acting Weird

Dear Boss Acting Weird,

You are probably right about your boss having too much on her plate and being overwhelmed. Being a senior marketing leader is a massive job. The field has become complicated and consumer goods is a fiercely competitive area. In addition, it sounds as if she might have something going on at home or with her health that she isn’t talking about. I hate to speculate, but this is usually the reason dependable people suddenly change their pattern.

So first, I would say: cut her some slack.

Second, because of your long history together, I think you owe it to your boss to ask for a one-on-one and share your concerns with her. If no one is giving her feedback, she may think she is coping better than she actually is. This plan, of course, is risky. Practice what you might say to make sure you don’t sound critical—no one likes to be criticized. Stay focused on events that have transpired and the effect they have had on your team. Be clear and concise and don’t repeat yourself. Tell your boss that you are sharing with her not to complain but because you thought she would want to know.

You may choose to do nothing, but that would be easier to do if you were the only one who was suffering. Ah, the joys of leadership. At the risk of repeating myself in every column, communication is almost always the solution, and in this case it will uncomfortable but will most probably pay off.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a young, new manager at a large health food grocery. I love the company, I love the job, and I am really learning a lot about being a new manager.  Here is my problem: when I joined the company as a cashier, I told one of my friends about my new job and she was hired about two weeks after me. 

I got along really well with my manager and she started moving me around the store to work in different departments. Six months later I was asked to manage a team. 

My friend is still at the cash register and seems to be quite angry with me.  When I first started getting moved around the store for training, she made snarky comments about my being a brown-noser, etc. Now she has stopped speaking to me and looks the other way any time I come near her. I am crushed.  I don’t know how to fix this and I think I am losing my friend.

Sad to Lose a Friend

Dear Sad,

Interestingly, I received a letter from a person who is in something like your friend’s position, watching her friend who was hired roughly at the same time rise to meteoric success in her company. In her case, she watched her friend shamelessly kiss up to management and actually sabotage other colleagues to make herself look better.

So, even though my knee-jerk reaction to your letter is “With friends like that, who needs enemies?” I must ask whether it is possible that you played a part in your friend’s turning away from you.  In your self-examination, ask yourself a couple of hard questions and be brutally honest:

• Have I been disingenuous with my boss and others to make myself more appealing?
• Have I ever thrown others under the bus to make myself look better?
• Do I gossip—divulge confidential information to people who have no business knowing?

If you find that you do have something to be sorry for, go to your friend and apologize and tell her that you want to do whatever it takes to make things right.

Even if you can’t think of something you have done wrong, you can ask your friend to help you understand why she is turning away from you.  She may actually tell you, and you can discuss it.  If she is not willing to work things out, however, she is no friend to you and you are going to have to chalk up your losses and move on.

Without a realistic motive for her rather extreme behavior, I think of this as “small town syndrome.” Most cultures have a name for this phenomenon where people feel confused, threatened, and alienated when someone else has success and perhaps grows into someone different from who they used to be.  It is lonely and very sad.

But at least acknowledging the truth will allow you to make new friends who are confident enough in their own abilities that they can be supportive of yours. Ultimately, your quality of life will depend on surrounding yourself with friends who love you and are rooting for your success at every turn. Go find some of those.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I’ve witnessed many amazing transformations as individuals altered their mindset related to power, explored their points of power, and proactively created positive change.

This transformation begins by recognizing an important truth about power: not realizing our own points of power may be one of our greatest assumed constraints.

When I talk to people about power at work, they often tell me they don’t really have any power.  That’s because they think about power through a very narrow focus on position power—having the title or authority to make certain decisions such as to hire or fire, to go or no-go, or to establish budgets.

But position power is only one of five types of power we all have at work.  The others are:

Task power—having control over a task or job and doing it well, such as

• A shipping clerk who consistently sends correct products on time
• A front desk greeter or phone receptionist who creates positive first impressions with customers
• A social media administrator who increases awareness of the company

Personal power—having interpersonal and leadership skills, passion, inspiration, or a positive personal vision of the future, such as

• Someone who is a charismatic charmer or socially adept
• A likable or agreeable person who conveys a positive outlook
• An individual who is determined and persistent without being aggressive or self-serving

Relationship power—being connected or friendly with other people who have power, such as

• An individual contributor who has a well-respected mentor
• Someone with an active business network
• A person with long-term and trusting friendships in the workplace

Knowledge power—having relevant experience, expertise, or credentials, such as

• Someone who has experience or is an expert in a field, such as an IT or HR specialist
• An individual with a certification or degree, such as an MBA or project management certification
• Someone who knows the organization’s history, understands its culture, or is politically savvy about how things work

Let me share a story about the way one person without much position power was able to leverage the other types of power.

Pete was a shy, quiet, and rather passive graphic artist who was tied to his computer within the company’s graphics department. After exploring the five potential points of power during a Self Leadership workshop, he acknowledged he had knowledge and task power—he was masterful at using graphics programs and designing materials that his clients loved. He also realized he lacked position, personal, and relationship power.

Pete activated his knowledge power by setting up free lunchtime classes for coworkers who didn’t have access to computer training. He built meaningful relationship power while he practiced communication skills that enhanced his personal power.

The president of the company heard about the classes and asked Pete to personally tutor him. The president learned that Pete was a fitness advocate, and soon Pete was also supervising a light workout after each of their computer sessions.

Instead of focusing on the position power he didn’t have, Pete leveraged the knowledge, task, relationship, and personal power he did have. As a result, his confidence and sense of self-worth grew dramatically. He eventually became the manager of more than 20 people in the graphics department—and an advisor to the new head of IT.

Don’t fret about not having position power. Recognize that you have access to four other points of power—task, personal, relationship, and knowledge power—you can use to achieve your goals. Strategically use the power you have to activate power you don’t have. It’s one of the best ways to do more good for yourself and others.

About the Author

Susan Fowler is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies and the coauthor of Blanchard’s new Self Leadership program.  You can learn more about Susan and The Ken Blanchard Companies at http://www.kenblanchard.com

Since I almost always ponder life through the filter of coaching, this brings to mind three of my recent clients:

–A leader who could feel herself heading toward overwhelm—not sleeping well, having to work hard in order to stay focused, feeling off her normal game and generally unbalanced.

–A client who felt stuck and frustrated—spinning his wheels on a project and going nowhere fast.

–A colleague who referred to her days as inefficient—bouncing from one thing to another and not getting anything fully completed.

As I thought about how to help these people, I was reminded again of something we as professional coaches often experience.  When common themes start showing up in our clients, it’s a signal to investigate the same theme in our own lives. “Know thyself” is a great piece of advice. Where was I feeling stuck? Where was I working hard but not getting results? How balanced did I feel?

This is something you may have experienced as well.  What trends have you been noticing in others that may be an internal signal for yourself?

Here are three ways to know when to grab for the mask:

1. You find yourself coaching everyone on the same focus topic
2. You feel off—not at your best—over time
3. You aren’t sleeping well

And here are three ways to begin a course correction:

1. Be aware—notice it. Claim it.
2. Breathe deeply—it is one of the best ways to reconnect brain and body, and can be done anywhere and anytime.
3. Practice the three Ps: Pause, Pray, and Ponder (or meditate)

Know when to reach for the oxygen mask. Take care of yourself so that you can continue to serve others. And don’t forget to breathe!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

In the case of leaders as well as learning and development professionals, it does seem like an awfully good skill set to have in the toolbox.  If that’s you, here are some thoughts to keep in mind as you begin to explore coaching.

Experience good coaching firsthand. Work with a coach and have an experience of what it is like to be a client. Working with an exceptionally capable coach will provide you with perspective and answer a lot of questions you might have.  You will learn what a coach really does and experience some coaching techniques firsthand.  Most important, you will get a strong sense of whether or not you want to provide that kind of service for others.

Take it slow and steady. If you do feel a strong calling to be a full-time coach, that’s great—but don’t quit your day job. It will take a while to get to a full practice that will sustain you financially. If you have never run your own business before, remember that that is an entirely separate skill set and the learning curve can be steep.

Get training. Being a really good listener is not enough.  Being an excellent trainer or facilitator is not enough. Consulting skills are not coaching skills. Being a psychiatrist or psychologist can be handy—but, again, coaching is a distinct approach and skill set.

Stick with certified programs. Certification is important now and will become even more so over the next decade. Find a training program that is accredited by the International Coach Federation. There are a lot of excellent programs; I cannot endorse one or another here. Your goal is to invest in a program with a proven track record and one that has the appropriate administrative structures in place. Once you find a program that appeals to you, ask to speak with a couple of former students.

Get focused. You will also want to explore what you want your focus to be. There are programs devoted to leadership, neuroscience, health and wellness, real estate sales—it goes on and on.  It is okay if you don’t have a specialty going in. Many programs provide a good foundation for lots of different specializations.  If you aren’t sure about what your niche should be, a good first clue will be the kinds of people you do your best work with.

Coaching is a great calling and coaching skills are useful to everyone—helping professionals, managers and leaders, parents, performance and sports coaches.  I encourage you to explore if you suspect this could be your passion. It would never be a waste to get training, even if you don’t feel a strong calling to be a full-time coach. If you do have your heart set on being a full time coach, don’t ignore the fact that this will mean starting your own business.  So, do go in with both eyes wide open.

I invite other longtime coaches who work in organizations to post in the comments additional thoughts they might have, and I am happy to answer questions as well.

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager in what is essentially a call center. I am hoping you can help me. I am too nice. 

I am a giver; I come from a long line of nice, generous givers. My Mom ran a dentist’s office and headed several volunteer committees, headed up events at our church and was forever dropping off casseroles for someone in the neighborhood who was having a crisis. 

People were always calling her and asking for help, money, favors. And while it irked me watching people take advantage of her sweet, patient generosity, I have somehow turned into her. People are taking advantage of me at work and in my personal life. 

The result is that I am a worn down frazzled wreck. I am exhausted all the time. I am neglecting the people I really care about, and certainly myself. My friends tell me that I need to have boundaries and say no, but I just don’t know how to do it. Help?

Worn Out

Dear Worn Out,

Givers are critical to communities and organizations, so on the behalf of humanity, I thank you.  And, I hear your pain and I have the prescription for you. Dr. Henry Cloud literally wrote the book on this: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life and you should get it STAT.

It is written specifically for Christians, but it works even if you aren’t Christian. Dr. Cloud helps people understand how to manage in a culture that encourages people to be nice and giving.

Having trouble with boundaries is often tied to deep seated psychological needs paired with strongly held values and requires more expertise, time and space to address than I can offer in a short blog post.  Dr. Cloud’s book will help you understand what is driving your behavior, and offer tips to help you overcome your resistance to changing it.  I can however, offer a couple of tactical tips that you might think about trying out immediately.

From this moment on don’t say “yes.”  To anything.  You don’t have to say no, not yet, that is the advanced class.  But when someone–anyone– asks you to do something, say “maybe, let me check my schedule and my commitments,” or “I would love to help out, let me think about it, check with my boss, discuss with my spouse…” Then say:  “Please check back with me next week and I will let you know.”  You may not want to do this with your boss, but you certainly can with anyone else.  This last part is important because it keeps the responsibility for follow up on the requestor – it isn’t one more thing you have to remember to do.

Make a list of what is most important to you and put everything in priority order.  Here is an example I have seen from others.

1. My Spouse and Kids
2. My Faith
3. My Parents
4. My Health & Well being
5. My Career

I personally have struggled and don’t always succeed at putting my own health and well being in the top three but I highly recommend that you try it.  Every time you help someone else, you are actually putting their needs before your own and causing more stress in your life. You need to ask yourself the hard question—are they worth it? You may be surprised that many of the people you go out of your way to help are at the bottom of your list, or not actually even on it.

Every time you consider something someone has asked you to do, check your other commitments to determine what is most important to you and see if you can fit it in.  Chances are you can’t without compromising your commitments to what you have said is at the top of your list.  Put your list on post it notes and place them everywhere you hang out, as a constant reminder.  This is just something to think about for now, when you start your serious work on boundaries, it will come in handy.

Reset expectations. You have trained untold amounts of people to believe that you will jump immediately to help them.  You will need to re-train them, and they will resist. Start by getting time on your side. Do not pick up the phone unless it is someone on your list.  Do not respond to texts right away from anyone not on your list.  Do not even open emails from someone not on your list except for at designated moments in your work day.  Take a deep breath, choose to do something that is a priority and move along.

If you put some time and space between yourself and the person who needs your immediate help, they will almost always find somebody else to help them by the time you loop back to them.

Repeat to yourself “I am not an infinite resource.” Remember, nobody is going to be served if you end up in the hospital with a case of whatever from wearing yourself down.

You are going to have to make some hard changes – get Dr. Cloud’s book or any other book on this topic and get to work. I am rooting for you Worn Out, truly I am.  You are an amazing, kind, and generous person.  You are also an endangered species that must be protected.  We need more people like you in the world, so please treat yourself like the precious resource you are.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Looking for some relief? Recent research confirms that a little proactive self leadership results in significantly less strain (and more energy) at the end of your workday.

See for yourself by giving one—or all three—of these strategies a try.

Ask for Feedback

Tomorrow morning, try a bold start to your day. Ask for feedback from your manager, colleagues, or staff members: “Would you be willing to share one piece of feedback, based on your experience or observation, that you think would help me do my job better today?”

Neuroscience provides evidence that asking for feedback sets up a more responsive brain condition. Requesting feedback delivers the information you need when you need it, but also results in less defensiveness—meaning you are more likely to hear what you need to hear and act on it.

So, when you learn something of value, act on it! Put what you’ve learned to use. Asking for feedback and then acting on it will demonstrate the willingness to learn and grow and the courage to be honest. What’s more, others will see it as a valuable example of proactive behavior.

Identify Solutions to Problems

Ask people what is getting in the way of their being more productive and many will half-jokingly point to their manager, an irritating coworker, or an unreasonable client. Instead of bemoaning your manager who “doesn’t get it,” why not be proactive and sell your solution? Follow these four steps:

1. State the problem or issue in one clear sentence, including the implications for you and others if the situation isn’t improved.
2. Generate three solutions with the pros and cons of each solution. One of the solutions should be the one that you believe will solve the problem based on your experience and insight. But as good as your idea may be, you need to generate two more. Three is the magic number.
3. Identify the decision makers and present to them your three solutions and the pros and cons for each—not revealing which one you think is best.
4. After presenting all three solutions, provide your recommendation for the solution you think is best, along with the rationale for why. Then, seek agreement.

This technique has been proven to create either the change you desire or a valuable learning moment. Either way, you experience less stress and more energy.

Be Proactive

Stop waiting to be given authority. Be proactive.

It’s been said authority is 20 percent given and 80 percent taken. If you have a solution to a nagging problem or an idea for improving efficiency on a particular task or project, don’t let yourself get frustrated by the permission process or the hoops you need to jump through to get things done. Instead, take action. Build a business case for giving you the authority to act.

In taking action you will experience a sense of competence and autonomy—two psychological needs required to thrive at work. And those who give you the authority will also benefit by empowering you to do more so that they can focus on other things that need their attention.

Practice a little self leadership each day to reduce your stress and fatigue.  Ask for feedback, identify solutions, and be proactive starting tomorrow morning. You might find yourself able to devote more time to your health, family and friends, and all those dreams you’d pursue if you only had the energy!

About the Author

Susan Fowler is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies and the coauthor of Blanchard’s new Self Leadership program.  You can learn more about Susan and The Ken Blanchard Companies at http://www.kenblanchard.com

Dear Madeleine,

I recently found, left behind on the photocopier, a list of performance evaluations, pay, and bonuses for all of my coworkers.

Turns out new hires are being brought in at substantially higher pay and bonuses than what the old timers are getting. Also, a person who is universally viewed as a total slacker is getting paid more than some of the really good employees, including me.

I have been here several years and am well regarded—but I am in the middle of the heap in terms of salary, not near the top where I would expect to be. Now I am wondering why I bother spending all of those extra hours, nights, and weekends going the extra mile.

 I am tempted to pass this information around so everyone knows about this injustice, which seems to be borderline unethical. I am also considering just quitting and finding a job where I am truly valued for my talent and hard work.

Should I hit print and spread the word? Should I meet with my boss and demand a raise? Should I quit?

Really Ticked Off

Dear Really Ticked Off,

It can be painful, stumbling over an unpleasant truth. And my response may not make you feel better, so buckle up.

First some questions: did your company ever promise to be transparent about salaries? Did it ever promise that salaries would be commensurate with talent and effort? Does the organization pride itself on being a meritocracy?

No. No. And No.

Some more modern companies do promise this, so if you stumbled over this kind of information at Qualtrics or Buffer, for example, you would be right to be furious and self righteous about it and you would foment a revolt.

However, it appears that you work for a fairly normal organization, where salaries for similar job titles and roles fall within a wide band. The reason executives don’t want the natives talking about salaries is because compensation is usually unjust. Why?

• People who negotiated for a higher salary in their very first job will have a huge advantage by the time they get to their third or fourth gig. Men in particular tend to negotiate at every step of their career. It can add up to more than million dollars over a career. It might be maddening, and feel unfair, but all it really means is that nobody gets what they deserve, they get what they negotiate.
• Newer employees are probably getting paid more because it is what marketplace benchmarks are dictating. The organization will pay whatever it needs to acquire new talent and grow headcount as required in the moment.
• Perhaps there is shortage of talent in your geographical area, or of people with the desired skill and experience set at this particular time. This will benefit you if you want to look for a job elsewhere.

If you are in the middle of your pay band, it is probably because you have not negotiated your salary at every step, that you have settled for what you were offered, possibly even from your first job out of school. I am sure your employers are delighted to have such a hard worker for such a reasonable price. Put yourself in your boss’s shoes – he or she is managing a budget and is always looking for ways to trim. I hate to say it, but as a manager, I will pay as little as an employee will tolerate, because it helps my budget, and might even mean I can afford an extra person. Don’t tell anyone.

On the ethics question I would offer the following: consider the repercussions of sharing information you found on the copy machine. What could happen? Possibly the careless person responsible could be fired. How would make you feel? It could unleash chaos; if everybody revolted and demanded a higher salary it could tank the budget and result in a layoff. Would that be a good thing? One of the best ways to parse an ethical question comes from the book Ken Blanchard wrote with Norman Vincent Peale, The Power of Ethical Management. Would you be pleased to see the story of what you have done pop up as the lead story on Google news? If you say “No!” you have your answer. A good rule of thumb when you think something is borderline is to err on the side of caution.

Once you have considered all of this perspective, if you still feel strongly about it, go talk to your boss. I would say that “demanding” is probably not the best approach, but do be prepared to negotiate hard. Read up on negotiation tips—the internet is bursting with them. Practice with a friend before going in so you feel confident. Also, it would give you leverage to have an offer on the table from a competitor for the salary that feels fair. If your boss agrees with your assessment of your value, great—he can match the offer. If not, you can leave knowing that you used serendipitous information to bravely and ethically stand up for yourself.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am an attorney with a state government agency. I run a team consisting of a few other attorneys and paralegals and administrators. I have been here four years and I love the office, my boss, and the work.

About six months ago my boss hired a new person—who is a peer to me—to run another team that does work similar to what my team does. She is a bully. She literally yells at everyone in the office. She storms out of meetings, goes and talks to clients behind my back and tells them all the things she thinks I am doing wrong.

She is wreaking havoc with everyone in the office. I now time my lunch so I don’t run into her in the break room. She is so unpleasant that it is literally taking a toll on my health and I am considering taking another job. But I love it here and was hoping to finish out the last few years of my career here. What do you think?

Bullied

Dear Bullied,

I consulted our talent engagement manager who has just completed his Ph.D. dissertation on workplace bullying. The field is quite new and there is a lot that is still not known or understood about workplace bullying and how to stop it. Workplace bullying, it turns out, is quite different from what happens in school.

The leader in this field is Dr. Gary Namie, whose website is http://www.workplacebullying.org/. This is an excellent resource that will help you to frame your own experience and find potential ideas for what to do.

From reading your letter, though, I can point out that you do have power here. This person is not your boss, and you have a good relationship with your boss. This is good because it means the bully does not have the power to retaliate against you, so you can actually stand up to her. Be ready to set boundaries with her—“Do not contact my clients without my express permission,” “Do not yell at me,”—because you can and you should. You have already given her power by allowing her ridiculous behavior. You can tell her that her behavior is ridiculous and you won’t allow it.

It sounds like you are not the lone target—the bully treats everyone horribly. This is good also, because it means you have not been singled out for ill treatment. Bullies often target one person who is a threat and try to break them down systematically. Possibly this person is not so much a bully as just plain awful, possibly nuts, and eventually HR will figure it out and she will be fired. You can make their job easier by documenting every single interaction in which you feel threatened, whether it happens specifically to you or you observe it happening to someone else. When things come to a head—which they inevitably will because your boss can’t allow it to go on forever—you will have your ducks in a row.

In the meantime, since you have a great relationship with your boss, you might share with him that you are considering taking another job because this person has made things so unpleasant. But also tell him that you love it where you are, you enjoy working with him, and you were hoping to stay. You could actually pull the “It’s her or me” card, which is a rare card to have in your hand. You are probably the kind of nice person who wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing, but that’s what I’m here for. This could be a good wake-up call for him. Often, bosses are at a loss when they realize their new hire is a terrible mistake, and they put their heads in the sand and hope it will go away. This is not going away.

Mostly we don’t get what we deserve; we get what we fight for. Stay strong, Bullied. If you really need to go, then go. But it sounds to me like you can fight and win this one. So put on your armor, get up on your horse, and try.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Freiberg shares how organizations need to find their cause if they are going to stand out in a crowded field.

Part of the process, according to Freiberg, is having employees reclaim their dreams–moving beyond just having a job to find something bigger and more fulfilling. And once becoming reacquainted with what’s engaging, she shares how to take a dream and turn it into action. The key, says Freiberg, is to find your personal WHY, in addition to your HOW and WHAT.

Freiberg shares how leadership development experts can help reignite this type of larger thinking using a three step process that includes: Identifying Your Why, Becoming Intentional, and then finally, Measuring Impact.

Be sure to listen to the very end of this 30-minute interview to hear Ken Blanchard share his key takeaways on the information Freiberg shares.

Listen to the podcast here: 

Dear Madeleine,

I am currently in an unfulfilling job. I also have digestive health issues that are not being resolved through diet and supplements.

I am a creative person and I long to travel. I currently want to leave my job and travel around the world to heal and to write about my experiences—a blog first, a book later.

But I have fears about financially surviving; about what will happen when I return from my travels; about my safety on the road; about not being able to get rid of my health issues; and even about how to write a book. How do I get past the fear and take the leap?

Afraid to Take the Leap

Dear Afraid to Take the Leap,

Oh, I hear your cry for freedom and it resonates deeply. But I’m torn between focusing on your fears and simply yelling “Go now before it’s too late!”

Obviously, I can’t tell what to do. Here is what I can tell you. You have a vision that leaving your job and traveling will be part of your healing process. You may think this kind of inspiration or calling is something that happens to people all the time. I can assure you this is not the case. In my experience there is a lot to be gained from heeding inner wisdom like this.

But there is no getting past fear. And while fear is designed to keep you from making stupid mistakes, the trick is to not let it also keep you from your heart’s desire.

All of your fears are well founded. Use them to help you prepare. Let’s take one at a time.

• Use your financial fears to ensure that you save up, sock away a reserve, and proceed frugally. Your worry about where you will land once you are done with your travels will guide you to set up some options for a soft landing.
• Safety on the road? Well, yes, that is reasonable; the world is frightening. Ask yourself what would make you feel safer. Finding travel companions? Taking a self-defense class?
• Your health problems may not be resolved; that’s true. The fact is that they may never go away, so you need to be prepared for that. But at least you know for sure that what you’ve already tried hasn’t worked. What can it hurt to try other things?
• Finally, you should be terrified by the idea of writing a book. I can tell you from personal experience that the only way to figure out how to write a book is to start writing.

There. Still scared? Sure you are. Because that was only the tip of the iceberg, right? The thing to do with fear is welcome it into your life. Make a list of every single fear you have and do everything you can to reasonably protect yourself from worst case scenarios.

Who knows what kinds of responsibilities you are going to assume in the future—spouse, children, aging parents? I always think part of my job as a coach is to work with people toward their having as few regrets as possible at the end of their lives. So maybe the question to ask yourself is Which choice would I regret most in five years: maintaining status quo or going for the big vision? There is a good chance that if you don’t seize the moment now for your grand adventure, you will regret it.

I am very much influenced by a lovely TED Talk that a friend shared with me recently. It is by Amy Krouse, a wonderful artist and writer who died of cancer last month at 51. Her talk is called “7 Notes on Life.” I wrote them down and taped them to my wall. The seven points, represented as notes on a musical scale, are:

• Always trust the magic
• Beckon the lovely (Amy said “I tend to believe whatever you decide to look for, you will find. Whatever you beckon will eventually beckon you.”)
• We are all Connected
• Do (take action)
• Cultivate Empty space
• Figure it out as you go
• Go to what makes you come alive

She did the talk in 2010, long before she knew that she would die of ovarian cancer in 7 years. I can only imagine that she lived by this code and sure was glad she did when it was all cut short.

You sound like a smart, rational person who would first prepare properly and then, in fact, be able to figure things out as you go. I always encourage my clients—and my children, for that matter—to keep moving toward the heat. But I like the way Amy says it: “Go to what makes you come alive.” How can that be a bad idea?

I am clearly biased on this one. It is my nature. That being said, if you decide not to leap, at the very least go find yourself a job that is fulfilling. Please let me know what you decide.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I keep hearing that the most important thing to be successful in business is the ability to build relationships with people. But here is the problem: I don’t like people. I think people are fundamentally untrustworthy and corrupt.

I am in veterinary school so I can take care of animals, which I much prefer to people. What to do?

Not Excited about People

Dear Not Excited about People,

You made me laugh out loud which makes me like you immediately. So there. I laughed because I so get it. I really do. I was just saying to my husband that I am pretty sure that between 20 random dogs and 20 random people I would probably like more of the dogs.

People are tough; there is no question. However, you can’t be in business without them—so you are going to have to extend yourself just a touch. First, you will want to find someone who is extremely competent and warm to manage the front end of your business. The airlines hire for “highly developed interpersonal skills” when staffing the lost luggage desk, because being able to tolerate working with long lines of aggravated, exhausted people is the number one requirement for that job. You want that same temperament in the person who manages your customers and, of course, you.

Secondly, I guarantee that if you simply formulate the intention to do so, you can find something to like—or at the very least, respect—in almost every person. When I find myself tested, I remember the words of Margie Blanchard, who co-founded our company. Dubbed the “Dalai Nana” by her grandson, Margie believes: Everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment, given their present level of understanding. Keeping this idea in mind will help you to be more patient. Also, it is important to realize that every person has a story that would break your heart if you only knew it.

Maybe take a cue from my personal vet—I am quite certain he only tolerates us because he knows we love our dogs and would do anything for them, and that works for me. Also, the lady who runs his practice couldn’t be nicer. I always look forward to seeing her.

You can only do your best misanthrope. All you really need to do in the long run is be extremely competent at your job and civil to folks. It just so happens there was a lovely essay in the Sunday NY Times this past week on the topic of how animals can bring out the best in people. It may speak to you and open your heart just a little. In any case, find someone who does like people to help you—and go forth and be a great vet. Animals need you!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I am a thirty-something woman who has just accepted a new position at a software company.  This job is quite a leap from my last one and the company has made it clear that they have big plans for me.  I love my work, it is interesting and fun, and I am really good at it.  

My husband also has a great job and is pursuing a PhD.  He and I both work ten- to twelve-hour days. We spend our extra time doing things we love—running, sailing, and getting together with friends.  We both have had weight and health issues in the past and have a high commitment to taking care of ourselves through exercise, eating right, and getting enough sleep. 

Many of our friends have started or are about to start their families.  The ones who have new babies have either dropped off the planet, or when we see them they seem stressed and exhausted.  Every working mom I talk to says she feels she is always falling short either at work or at home. Neither my husband nor I grew up under ideal circumstances and we figured we could do better.  We have always vaguely planned to have kids, but now we aren’t sure it is a good idea.  What do you think?

Kids or No?

Dear Kids or No,

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that you would send me this question, although I have to say I am staggering a little under the weight of it. Obviously, this will be one of the biggest decisions you and your husband ever make.  The amazing thing is—and it is a fairly new development in human history—you have a choice. It used to be that children were something that happened and you just dealt with them.   But with choice comes responsibility, and nobody can tell you what to do. What I can do is lay out some things you want might want to consider as you weigh your options.

• Parenting is more complicated now than it has ever been, and you will want to know that you and your husband will always be a team. Everywhere you turn, you will be bombarded with advice—or worse, judgment—about the way you parent.  So every choice you make will be fraught with second guessing and doubt.  You and your husband will want to decide what your standards are for what good parenting looks like.  It will be important that you are on the same page for the big decisions like how much time you need to spend with your child, what spiritual tradition will you depend on, what would you do if your child had special needs. For example, if you are okay with leaving your child in daycare or with a nanny but your husband is not, that is a potential deal breaker right there.
• The person who will generally take the brunt of the parenting will be you, especially at the beginning. I spent two years at a big Wall Street firm and every female VP who had kids had a husband who had a lower impact career that allowed him to stay home full time, work from home part time, or at least get home by the end of the school day.  But then there are amazing role models like Sheryl Sandberg who made it all work with a husband who worked full time and is now—horrors—gone.
• Speaking of role models, are there good role models in your organization or perhaps in your professional association; i.e., senior women who have kids? You might talk to them about how they have done it and what they recommend.
• The whole parenting thing is made to look really magical and wondrous—the Christmas cards with the smiling mom and dad, two kids, and the golden retriever. And there are magical moments, but it is hard.  There is no guarantee that you will get one or two perfect children who are as gifted and delightful as you.  Serious wild cards get dealt that can really throw you for a loop.  My point is that your children automatically become an intensive spiritual development program, no matter how perfect and easy they are. You really have to be signed up for that.
• John Gottman, the foremost researcher and expert on marriage, tells of a deep dip in marital satisfaction when the kids come that lasts until the kids are out of the house. Some of the happiest people I know are people who have chosen not to have children.  Of course, the dark flip side is that the people who have the most regret are the ones who wanted to have kids and couldn’t.  So the thing I would say is if you aren’t sure, wait.  Freeze your eggs. You can always hire a surrogate if you wait too long.  You can adopt.  None of those roads are as easy as just going for it when you are young and healthy, but at least you will be sure.
• I grew up in the 70s during which the anthem was “you can have it all.” Well, that turned out not to be quite true.  My experience is that you can kind of have it all   If you have a good education and some career stability and support going in. If you have an amazing husband who really does share the parenting including the endless domestic chores. If you have unusual stamina, if you have a strong immune system and can function through stomach flu and rotten colds, if you can go for long periods of time without proper rest and exercise, if you have reliable and high quality help and support—either trusted family members or a high enough income to pay for it. For many women I would restate the anthem as “you can have it all, but maybe not all at the same time.” This is not generally what people want to hear, but in my experience it is the truth.
• If you have a child and continue to pursue your highest career potential you will, I guarantee, lament that you are never 100% at home or at work. I have felt that way for the last 27 years.  But I am not sure that is so bad.  A little dynamic tension away from home isn’t so terrible.  I always felt that my kids appreciated me more because they didn’t have me at their beck and call.  And I always did enough at work to make good things happen but I never became completely obsessed—which I may very well have, if I hadn’t had to walk out of the office every day at 6:00.  The most efficient workers by far are the working moms, because they are always on a deadline.

My mother always said that having kids was the best thing she ever did in her life, and I automatically thought that it also would be true for me—and it has been.  But you are going to want to talk to more people.  Just know this: you and your husband are doing the right thing right now by really questioning it and thinking it through. That way, when you do come to a decision, you will know it is the right one.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a global consumer goods company. I recently went through six months of coaching because my boss told me I was an excellent manager, but I needed to be more of leader.

The coach did a 360° interview process and uncovered some areas that I needed to work on. Together we developed a plan and then implemented it.

I adopted a whole bunch of new behaviors and made some real headway. At the end of the coaching, my coach and I created a list of things that had been accomplished. Then I discussed it with my boss and she seemed pleased.

Now, a few months after the close of the coaching, my boss told me she is disappointed that the coaching did not produce the results she had hoped for. She acknowledged that yes, I get things done (we had our best year ever last year), but I am still not reaching the mark. In addition, I will not get the promotion I feel I really deserve. My boss also said if they don’t see some radical changes in the next few months, they will eliminate my position.

I am absolutely stunned. I really thought I had been on the right track and now the rug has been pulled out from under me. What to do?

Stunned and Hurt

Dear Stunned and Hurt,

Well this stinks and I am so sorry. There are a lot of layers to this and I am sure I will miss a few, but I’ll do my best to be helpful right now.

Let’s start with the idea that your boss needs to see something radical or your job will be eliminated. I read that as your job is going to be eliminated and you should start looking for your next gig this minute. Don’t wait, and don’t try to guess exactly what the correct radical change is that would save your job. Based on the experience you just had, that will almost certainly fail.

Next, addressing the change of heart your boss seems to have had about the results of the coaching. I am afraid this is more common than you’d think and I have a hypothesis as to why that is. Many times we, as coaches at Blanchard, are tasked with coming in to coach one person who needs to upgrade skills and make some changes. We hate this kind of work because the manager/organization often refuses to be crystal clear about exactly which changes are needed or the serious negative consequences if the coaching participant is unable to make the changes.

It sounds like this has been the case for you. Yes, you made some changes, but apparently they weren’t exactly what your boss was looking for. It must have been a kind of “I’ll know the change when I see it” approach, and since she didn’t see what she was looking for, you are out of luck.

As for the changes you did make, it is my experience that organizations are like small towns, and no matter what you do or how you change, people are always going to see you as the way you were, not as who you have become or how you’ve grown. Many people need to leave the environment they are in to make the leap to the next level. It is just how it is.

Finally, what exactly was meant by the word leader? Was this ever made clear to you? Are you expected to become an inspirational, charismatic visionary? It is possible that your boss wants you to get a personality transplant—I can assure you everyone is highly unlikely to succeed at that.

I think you should pack up your excellent management skills and your ability to get things done (not to mention all of your new skills) and go somewhere where they need exactly who you are and what you bring to the table right now.

You can thank your boss for at least one thing: giving you a heads-up, which is a rare gift.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I love to grow and develop. I always take advantage of any 360° feedback assessments my company offers. I regularly ask my boss, direct reports, and peers for constructive feedback.

Lucky for me, my 360° scores are high and I generally hear “just keep doing what you are doing” from my coworkers. That said, I still want to stretch and grow but don’t have a clear idea of what I should do. Can you make any suggestions?

Want to Grow

Dear Want to Grow,

What a great problem to have. And I am so glad you asked—because, of course, I have loads of suggestions.

First the obvious: If your organization offers 360° feedback, there is a good chance they also offer training programs. Sign up for everything you can, and become a poster child for your favorite programs. Maybe you’ll find something you are so passionate about that you become a trainer.

Do you have an advanced degree? If not, perhaps your organization will help fund one. If you go that way, though, please don’t send me hate mail. It is worth it, but it is hard.

Ultimately, growth and development will come from creating goals and experiences for yourself that require you to be a little uncomfortable. Feedback is great and allows you to develop yourself in the context of your job and your current circle of colleagues. But that’s still only one perspective.  You’ll want to expand your thinking. Some ideas:

• Look backwards to see where you have had your biggest wins. Think about what made those moments great and what qualities or strengths you have that have gone un-leveraged.
• Move toward the heat. Notice what interests you that you enjoy and do naturally but that may not be on your radar screen. Perhaps you love to write—see if you can contribute to your company blog or newsletter. Perhaps you are an event planning genius and love throwing a great party—join a committee that might need you.
• Build your network. The thing that is most important to your career growth besides work ethic and competence is the ability to grow and nurture a network of relationships. If this suggestion is unattractive to you, it probably means it would be an excellent new area for you to develop. Make a map of people in your organization who interest you and either start a relationship or build on the one you have. Find someone you respect and admire and ask them to mentor you. Scroll through the million connections you have on LinkedIn, find people you want to get to know, and set up a call.
• Build your industry knowledge. Are you an expert in your field? If not, decide to become one. Join industry groups on social media and subscribe to newsletters to read up.
• Travel. Save up your PTO and plan a month-long trip someplace you’ve always wanted to go. I didn’t realize I wanted to do that until a colleague did it and I felt a stab of envy. Guess what? I am going to Mongolia this summer—something I have been fantasizing about for fifteen years.
• Master something. Choose one thing you are good at and you like to do and become a master at it. Mastery comes from intense commitment and repetition, and it can be extraordinarily fulfilling for some.
• Look to the “life” portion of your life/work formula. Maybe your home environment is not quite up to your standard? How about your health and physical fitness? Perhaps your spiritual life could use some attention? How would rate your satisfaction with your relationships in terms of family and friends? Are you a parent? A great parent? You could take a parenting class. Now might be the time to get your home administration and financials systemized and effortless. How about volunteering for a cause you care deeply about? Go walk and play with dogs at your local shelter. Go hold babies in the NICU. Be a big brother or big sister. Spread the wealth of your wonderfulness.

Earlier, I mentioned envy for a reason. We are all mostly uncomfortable with the feeling of envy and even deny it when we do feel it; but it is instructive. Notice what others have that you feel envious of. That is data for you. It’s data about something you secretly want or maybe even need—something you don’t have because you probably haven’t admitted it to yourself.

I hope I have provided you with food for thought. Please let me know what you decide to do—I can’t wait to hear!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I lead large teams in the field and partner with a core team at the headquarters of my organization. My boss is at HQ and largely ignores me because all of my projects come in on time and under budget. I have literally been told I am a “dream employee.”

The fly in the ointment is that I am constantly having run-ins with another member of the core team at HQ—I’ll call her F.

We disagree on what is her responsibility and what is mine and we are constantly butting heads. She doesn’t have the same skill set and knowledge base as I do, nor does she have the experience or seniority. She argues endlessly about some of my decisions—or worse, reverses them without talking to me about it. Then I have to come back in, re-direct everyone and get the project back on track.

This is causing delays and making other members of the team crazy. She gets upset when I don’t agree with her or alter her changes and runs down the hall to my boss to complain. Then I get a call from my boss, who tells me I need to find a way to get along with F and work it out. I have really been trying, but she just won’t see reason.

The final straw was my annual performance review. After glossing over all the good stuff—on time, under budget, my teams like and respect me, the customers are all happy—I get dinged on my bonus because of this situation with F! I just want to scream. Or quit. What say you?

Dinged

Dear Dinged

I am so sorry for your frustration. I know it well. I worked in the field for many years and suffered from being out of sight and out of mind. As a manager now at HQ, I know the difficulty of trying to protect team members in the field from the natural solidarity of folks who can have a quick and impactful chat at the coffee station.  I have experienced and been responsible for the problems that can arise due to lack of clarity about roles and responsibilities among team members.. I mean, who doesn’t suffer from lack of clarity about roles and responsibilities?

People who have responsible managers, that’s who.

It is absolutely your boss’s responsibility to get in there and mediate between you and F—to figure out who is responsible for what and who makes exactly what kinds of decisions, and to craft the process for what to do when there is a grey area. It is not appropriate for him to delegate that job the way he has, with you left holding the bag.

Okay, great, so we can blame your boss—which helps you not at all. What can you do? Here are some ideas:

• Fight hard to schedule an in-person mediation meeting with your boss, F, and you for the next time you are at HQ. Make it as soon as possible. Be prepared with a list of what you think is your job and what you think is F’s job. Use a RACI chart to help you. A RACI chart (Responsible-Accountable-Consulted-Informed) is a way to plot out—with absolute clarity for each task and decision—who is ultimately responsible, who needs to be consulted and included, and who needs to be kept informed at each step. It is an amazing tool and I encourage you to use it. Argue it out and abide by the consequences.
• Make it priority to improve your relationship with F. I know, right now you are mad at her and thinking Why should I take the high road? If you are going to quit, you don’t have to do this. But if you are going to stick around, you must turn F from an enemy into an ally. Up your communication with her. Have weekly meetings where you catch up on projects and review decisions and haggle things out. If the relationship is there, she won’t go running to your boss every time she is annoyed with you. If the relationship is there, when she has a problem with you she will pick up the phone and say “Hey, what the heck?”
• Spend more time at HQ. I know it is inconvenient, disruptive to what you consider your real work, and a colossal pain—but there is no substitute for showing up. Be there in person for team meetings. Show your face. Go to happy hour. Meet with your boss so you are real to him—as real as everyone else on his team.
• Share regular business updates with your peers and your boss about what you’re working on and what you do all day—because in the absence of information, people make stuff up. The more your colleagues see, hear, and get information from you, the more they will understand your work—and the more likely they will be to trust your authority and be comfortable that you know what you’re doing.

This all adds a lot more to your to-do list, I know. But the first order of business in getting things done is to build and nurture relationships. It would be so nice if you could just do your job without interference, but that just isn’t the way it works.

Don’t quit. Maybe scream a little. But then pick up the phone and work it out.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

So, now is a perfect time to take a moment to reflect on exactly that. There is an excellent structure for this that I have been using with clients for more than twenty years. I am pretty sure I didn’t make this up, but I don’t remember where I got it. What I did not anticipate when I started doing this exercise was the long term value of having these annual records. You think you will always remember everything—but I guarantee that is not true. The world is moving much too fast and we are processing so much information that making a record of your year is a wonderful gift to give your future self.

The activity must be done in writing and the structure is simplicity itself: you merely make a list of the following things:

• What went really well—what were my wins for the year?
• What did not go so well—what mistakes did I make and what were disappointments this year?
• What/who am I grateful for?
• What do I want to pay attention to in the next year?

That’s it. I recommend you start the document and then add to it over a short period of time—say a week. You will be surprised at what you have already forgotten that will bubble up.

There are a couple of ways to get even more out of this, but these are strictly for bonus points:

• Ask your significant other, best friend, or children to do the same exercise and then set aside time to share your lists.
• Pick up the phone and call, email, or text each person on your grateful list.

Happy New Year!

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I have not once in my life kept a New Year’s resolution. And yet, here I am once again thinking about all I want to accomplish and feeling demoralized. Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? How can I be successful this year? Does anyone ever succeed at sticking to a resolution? Help!

New Year’s Loser

Dear New Year’s Loser,

I am glad you asked this question because I have an explicit opinion on this topic. There is a lot of research on New Year’s resolutions. You can Google it—but for all intents and purposes no one really sticks to New Year’s resolutions. Okay, maybe 8 percent of people do, but my guess is that’s even a stretch. The whole thing is a nasty set up to ensure we all start the year feeling terrible about ourselves.

I say, let’s cut it out. No goals in 2017. None.

NO GOALS for 2017.

Wait. What? “That’s crazy!” you argue. “I have to set goals or I will never achieve anything and I will wake up in three years sitting in this exact chair with this exact life.” Not true. Life has a way of carrying you along and will provide plenty of occasions for you to rise to. And you will rise to these occasions by committing to becoming more effective, nicer, better organized, or by learning something new.

Life will provide you with many reasons to change. You will lose weight or go to the gym when you get sick of not fitting into any of your clothes or when your doctor says you have to. You will quit that terrible habit (smoking, running late, watching “Real Housewives” shows) when you are so compelled that you will get help from any possible corner—your family, your friends, a support group, a clinic, or all of the above.

The problem with New Year’s resolutions is that we always choose the things that are hardest to do—the stuff we have already failed at, often several times. So now we are actually conditioned to fail at those things.

The only way to change that mindset and break the pattern is to set New Year’s resolutions that are fun and easy. Seriously. Some of my most successful resolutions have been exactly that. For example:

• Never stand in a line if I can help it
• Drink good champagne any time I get the chance
• Spend a minimum of five minutes a day rolling around on the floor with my dogs

You will set a goal to do something new, different, and difficult when you are good and ready to do it and not a moment sooner. In the meantime, find something fun and easy to commit to in 2017. Easy means, well, not hard. Effortless. Something that is literally so easy and pleasant that you will actually do it.  And only one thing. I mean, you have enough going on.

Try it. Win at your New Year’s Resolution this time. And do it again next year. Do it every year. You won’t believe how this can add up to a life filled with joy, amusement and pleasure. And really, what more could we ask for?

Happy New Year and Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

For example, based on an emotional reaction, a client of mine recently responded to a colleague in a defensive and aggressive manner during a team meeting. My client was impatient and frustrated about the questions her colleague was asking her. The meeting ended with hurt feelings on both sides and the problem remained unsolved.

Emotions can drive intentional and unintentional behaviors during any time of the year. The key is to be aware of your emotions, identify what is triggering a specific emotion, and manage them.

It is not always easy to manage your own emotions in addition to someone else’s emotions.  It takes an increased awareness and a quick strategy to foster a positive outcome.

Here are a few strategies to manage your emotions in case you’re feeling the strain.

1. Move. If possible, instead of responding impulsively to an emotional trigger, go for a walk or do a few stretches to release the tension and consider your best response.
2. Breathe. To remain calm, take a deep breath just before responding.
3. Smile. Smiling builds connection and helps you empathize with the other person.
4. State your emotion. Be open about how you are feeling, which will lessen the intensity of the emotion.
5. State the emotion you perceive from the other person. Let the person know you sense they are angry (or upset, sad, etc.). This will help engage the person in communicating and owning what they are feeling.

Awareness of your emotions allows you to effectively express your feelings and control your behaviors.  For example, I recently needed to cause myself to be patient as a colleague passionately expressed her frustrations about a process. I tried several times to interject and explain specifics about the process that was frustrating her—but she was not hearing me.  She was only focused on expressing her thoughts.  As a result of reading her emotions, I forced myself to be patient so she felt heard.  Once she was able to tell her story, I asked her a few questions about the process.  We began to engage in a conversation because she was now able to focus in and listen … finally!

It took added time and energy on my part to manage my emotions along with those of my colleague.  The final outcome was a productive two-way conversation that led to a solution.

As human beings, we all have emotions—and we have the ability to manage our emotions.  The key is to find the strategy that is best for you!

Happy Holidays!

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.