Editor’s Note: Madeleine is on summer break this week, but don’t fear! We’ve rounded up the five standout themes from the first half of the year, complete with top examples you won’t want to miss. From navigating toxic bosses to setting coaching goals that actually stick, Madeleine addresses it all with wisdom that’s equal parts practical and powerful.

Check out the top themes here, then dive into the full columns. Be sure to come back every week—you never know when the advice you need is just a scroll away!

1. Leadership Transitions and Succession Planning

Madeleine frequently addresses the complexities of leadership transitions in “Not Sure When to Let Your Boss Know You’re Leaving?” She offers guidance on timing and communication strategies for departing leaders, emphasizing the importance of succession planning and organizational continuity.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-when-to-let-your-boss-know-you-re-leaving-ask-madeleine

2. Navigating Toxic Work Environments

In “Am I Working for a Toxic Leader?” Madeleine discusses strategies for setting boundaries, maintaining professionalism, and deciding when it may be necessary to seek employment elsewhere. She also provides insights into recognizing and managing toxic leadership.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/am-i-working-for-a-toxic-leader-ask-madeleine

3. Coaching Practices and Professional Development

Madeleine addresses a common concern among professionals new to coaching in “Not Sure What Your Personal Development Coaching Goals Should Be?” She offers practical frameworks including Pierce Howard’s model that encompasses Flow, Fit, Goal progress, Relationships, and Altruism.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-what-your-personal-development-coaching-goals-should-be-ask-madeleine

4. Managing Change and Uncertainty in the Workplace

Madeleine looks at the challenges leaders and employees face when navigating organizational changes and external disruptions along with the associated emotional and operational impacts. In “Need to Interrupt the Downward Spiral?” she addresses a situation where a company is experiencing significant stress due to industrywide changes and personal tragedies among staff.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/need-to-interrupt-the-downward-spiral-ask-madeleine

5. Workplace Culture and Generational Perspectives

In our final top theme for 2025, Madeleine explores the dynamics of workplace culture and generational differences. Her column on “Tired of Your Friend Complaining about ‘Entitled Workers’?” challenges stereotypes about younger employees and encourages understanding and maximizing generational strengths.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/tired-of-your-friend-complaining-about-entitled-workers-ask-madeleine

Madeleine will be back with a new column next week. Got a question for her? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well-intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in the finance department of a national restaurant/foodservice company. I have always liked my job, brought a lot of creative problem-solving to my team, and enjoyed hosting events to create bonds among people in my organization.

My last kid just graduated from high school and left for a six-week trip abroad. My two kids in college have summer jobs away from home. I thought I couldn’t wait to finally have the kids all leave the house so I could have more time to myself and more time to work—but now that it has finally happened, I seem to be adrift. All I have is time, and I don’t know what to do with it.

It feels so strange. I don’t recognize myself. For the last twenty years I have been in constant motion. Even though I’ve loved being a mom, I’ve resented the never-ending grind. But now that I don’t feel the clock ticking, I can barely focus on work.

Ever since Covid, my entire team has worked from home. I am happily single but never felt lonely until now. Maybe I’m just really sad—the empty nest thing—because I have so been looking forward to this time. But it feels like all of a sudden I have ADHD or something.

Have you ever heard of anything like this? Do you think there is something wrong with me?

Weirded Out

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Dear Weirded Out,

There is nothing wrong with you. You are going to be fine. I promise.

Humans vastly underestimate how destabilizing it is to change our daily routines. For twenty-plus years you were on the clock, and all of a sudden you have a surfeit of time. It’s as if you had loud music playing 24/7, you learned how to dance to it all day, every day for twenty years, and someone suddenly turned the music off. The silence is so deafening it can be hard to think. You developed an entire set of skills, disciplines, and practices that made you feel productive, accomplished, and competent. Now, all you need to do is…start all over again.

The working-mom fantasy of having more time to work is common; and, like most fantasies, the reality is often a letdown. Because, let’s face it, you probably already work plenty.

One general principle that might be helpful to understand is this: just because a big change is desirable and makes you happy doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to grieve the chapter that is coming to a close. All the big, happy life transitions (graduating school, getting married, starting jobs, having children, buying homes, moving to a new location), no matter how welcome, require leaving all kinds of beloved things behind. What that means is just because you are thrilled to have made it to end of the working-mom marathon doesn’t negate whatever other emotions you may be having.

Here are a few ideas you might consider to help you through this big transition:

• Take some time off. Go for long walks, take some yoga classes, meditate, get a massage. Anything you can do to clear your head so that you can hear the soft voice inside that is offering clarity about your heart’s desire.
• Maybe avail yourself of your company’s EAP to do a short course of therapy to unpack all of the feelings you are experiencing. Identifying, naming, and feeling them will be a relief and will help you to re-focus on what is in front of you.
• Take a quiet moment to write down all the things you have been putting off for so long. Jettison the things you don’t care about and prioritize the ones that still matter. Choose one thing that is appealing and make a plan to go after it. Learn pickleball, get a puppy, discover ballroom dancing, train for a marathon, find a cooking class. Whatever makes your heart beat a little faster.
• Make a list of the people you care about who’ve dropped to the bottom of your priority list and make it your business to reconnect. Commit to either rebuilding those relationships or building new ones.

I would urge you to take it slow and start small. You don’t want to cram your life so full that you immediately go back to your old rhythms. Just because it might feel comfortable doesn’t mean it is right for you. It took you years to shape your former daily rhythms and it will take some time to experiment and find new ones. You will be able to recognize yourself in a new form soon enough (perhaps just in time for one of your kids to boomerang back home again).

Just kidding. Kind of.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is driving me nuts. I work in corporate communications at a complicated global corporation with a fast-paced, high-pressure environment. I am often given assignments with tight deadlines on top of my regular day-to-day work.

My boss will send me emails with assignments, using a request format that I thought was smart when I started. If only my boss would pay more attention when she fills it out.

The request calls for details about the audience, key messages, preferred tone, urgency level, and timing. I make the effort to weave in the company values and I put a lot of thought into each draft.

Lately, my boss has had an issue with every single piece I’ve written—but it is always because she left out something critical. Her comments contain some variation of “Oops, I forgot to mention such and such; could you redo this and weave that in?”

This throws off my schedule for the day and creates a last-minute fire drill. I feel like (1) she must have forgotten how much I have on my plate; (2) she doesn’t care enough to put thought into the original request; or, on my worst days, (3) she is trying to sabotage me.

I like the company and my co-workers, but I now dread my boss’s feedback. I have completely lost faith in her. I don’t really want to try to find another job, but I find myself fantasizing about doing just that.

How can I get her to cut it out?

Just So Annoyed

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Dear Just So Annoyed,

I hear your frustration, and I can relate—but you aren’t going to like this, so put on your seat belt.

My experience is that people who quit their job to escape an unresolved communication issue will encounter a new version of the exact same problem in their next job. You can certainly choose to jump ship, but this won’t be the last time you have to deal with an imperfect, distracted boss so you might as well use this opportunity to learn how to deal with it.

The question, as I understand it, is: how can you get your boss to give you all the information you need the first time so that you can deliver exactly what is needed?

First, it might help you to find a bit a grace for your boss by putting yourself in her shoes. I suspect this is a recent problem, as you noted that this behavior has shown up “lately.” It is possible that she also has too much on her plate, or perhaps she is wrangling with some personal problems. Regardless, the more she feels your judgment and annoyance, the higher the chance that she will make errors when working on a brief for you and eventually will start assigning the tasks to someone more easy-going so she can avoid your ire. That is a career-limiting eventuality that you probably want to avoid because, if you do decide to leave your position, you want to make sure you do it in good standing.

Once you make the choice to help your boss give you what you need in a timely manner, the next step is to figure out how to do that. One idea is to schedule a quick chat, which will give her the mental space she needs to capture all of the details before you start the work. Repeat what has been requested, and simply ask “What else?” or “Is there anything missing?” Many people think out loud, and when they become accustomed to working with someone super competent, they can start to believe (or at least hope) that you can read their minds.

If you can’t get fifteen minutes on her calendar, you might change your work style and spend less time making the first draft perfect, knowing it will need a second pass. If you go with this option be sure to mention that, in light of the recent need for revisions, you are switching up your approach and will polish the piece once you are sure that all points are captured.

Finally, I recently read somewhere that anyone who isn’t using AI in their work is almost certainly going to be replaced by someone who is. I’d like to think that isn’t true, but I suspect it is. The kind of work you are doing is exactly the kind of thing AI can help you with—so I highly recommend that you learn how to leverage it. Of course, you should check your company’s policy and use only the AI the company allows. I have spoken to many people who have avoided AI because they feel threatened by it, but that is also a career-limiting attitude.

Instead of getting mad at your boss, try a collaborative approach. Experiment with how you can help her give you what you need to do the best possible job you can. Helping her to help you will build trust—and it won’t go unnoticed. Change your work protocols to accommodate your boss’s absent-mindedness, and leverage technology to take time and effort out of your tasks. The world is only spinning faster, so anything you can do to make things go more smoothly for yourself, your teammates, and your boss will serve you well.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently joined a marketing team for a not-quite-startup in the technology space. It has been going well.

My boss recently asked me if I would take over writing a weekly blog for our website. I didn’t say “no” right out of the gate—I asked if I could look at what has been done and think about it.

I have reservations. I feel like blogs are old news (no offense) and we should be focused on video on social media. We do have someone doing that, but I think I could do a better job. Also, I don’t think I can replicate the way the previous person did the blog. I would have to come up with a new approach, but I don’t know what it would be. And I am extremely concerned about getting writer’s block, which happened all the time when I was in school.

How do you deal with it? I don’t see how I can come up with something new every week. I think saying “no” might be career-limiting, but the whole thing scares me. Would love your thoughts.

Yikes

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Dear Yikes,

I take no offense. Video is in; the written word is out. I can’t argue with you there. However, you somehow found this blog, so that tells you something. Your department must be tracking the metrics on the blog, and they probably wouldn’t bother keeping it if there weren’t some engagement. Maybe you can find out more about the demographic that reads the blog. I’ve always assumed it is people over 40, but I’ve been wrong about that. Many people find video too slow and can read much faster than people talk, so they will skip video.

There is a lot to unpack here. I will start with how to approach it with your boss, and then deal with the writing aspect.

First, good on you for asking your boss if you could think about it! So many feel pressure to respond right away, but that is often self-imposed. What if you were to keep up the thoughtful approach and negotiate a trial run for, say, a three-month period? This will give you time to find your feet. After three months, you may decide that it isn’t for you or that you enjoy it and are good at it. You may find out you can comfortably manage only every other week, and ask to share the responsibility with someone else.

You are right that if you were to take on the task, you would have to find your own voice, angle, and, of course, what the heck you are going to say. It is, in fact, daunting, but the only way to do it is to, well—do it.

There might be some value in thinking about what you want your brand to be. There is an opportunity to represent your organization, of course, and presumably that brand work has been done. But if your name is attached to the work, it will serve you to think about your own values and purpose. You will want to develop a consistent tone that gets connected to you and how you are perceived. There is also a chance to develop yourself as an expert and maybe even a thought leader.

So—what interests you about what your company does and how people use its products? What is going on in the industry? What new research is being done? You may find that you have all kinds of things to say. What will make writing a little easier, besides discipline, is having a strong and consistent point of view.

I think it is fair to share with your boss that you have some ideas for the social videos. You probably know better than to trash the colleague currently in charge of it—but might there be a way to dovetail the blog with the video? I am just making this up, but why not try to create something brand new? Maybe you could create short videos that go with each blog. You will have more ideas than I will, so seize the opportunity to get the company to change things up and experiment.

Now let’s talk about writer’s block and the relentless pressure of a weekly column. I will tell you the truth: the only thing I think more about than my weekly blog is what I am going to make for dinner. I think about it in my sleep. I never don’t think about it. But I have also developed a ritual and a routine, which I learned from working with a client who was once responsible for the #1 technology newsletter in the pre-internet era. He was nearly driven mad, so we worked diligently to develop a sequence of habits and practices that kept him on track and eliminated the devastating emotional toll of procrastination and the intense cramming at the end of the month.

Here are some tips:

• In his book Put It In Writing, Albert Joseph contends that a lot of what stops writers is getting tangled up between the “what” to say and the “how” to say it. When the writer separates the two – the point that needs to be made and exactly how to make the point – everything becomes easier. 
• Keep a document where you can jot down ideas as they occur to you. You think you will remember, but you won’t. If you are really stuck at crunch time, hopefully there will be something in your idea log that sparks. One advantage of an advice column is that the ideas come from the readers, but it can take a while to get a decent flow of interesting letters going. 
• If you are stuck, go for a walk, dedicating the time to the writing task and recording your thoughts as you go. Nobody even notices anymore when people walk along talking at their phone, so you don’t have to worry about looking like a lunatic. Let your word app transcribe your voice recording and see what you have that you may be able to work with. Walking almost always does the trick. In fact, research shows that getting outside in nature and moving increases creative problem-solving capacity by a staggering 50 percent.
• If you already have a good idea but can’t get the jumble of points to flow, try mind mapping. You can find a step-by-step primer on how to mind map here—but you don’t need software to do it. Just a blank piece of paper will do—old school and cost free!
• To generate ideas, identify the people in your organization who seem to be up to interesting things and ask if you can interview them about what they are paying attention to, what they are struggling with, or what they have learned recently. This approach has the added benefit of meeting and developing relationships with more people in the company, which is always good, never bad.
• Find a reliable thought partner. Some people don’t know what they are thinking until something pops out of their mouth. You may have someone in mind already, or you may have to test out a few likely candidates.
• Finally, if the company blog has been around long enough, go through the archive to see if you can find anything that could use an updated take. Things in technology change fast, and adding to a conversation that has already been started can be valuable.

The only way to find out if you are up to the task is to try. Share your reservations with your boss and build yourself an out if you find it just isn’t your jam. There are a lot of opportunities that come with success, though, and you may be really glad you took the chance.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

Our company is providing group coaching for all managers at my level. I have never worked with a coach before, but they have given us a bunch of information so (I think) I am comfortable with what coaching is and what is expected of me.

My one area of confusion is this: they have asked us to come to the first session prepared to share our goals with the group—not just our work goals (those are clear to me) but also our professional goals.

I am not sure how to decide what those might be. Ever since I started working, I have been hyper-focused on doing a good job. That has brought me this far. I like my work and I like being good at it, but now I realize there might be more to focus on.

I thought you might have some ideas. What kind of goals do most managers in organizations work on when they work with a coach?

Where to Begin?

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Dear Where to Begin,

Oh boy, do I have ideas and am I ever delighted to share them with you.

First I want to reassure you that it isn’t unusual to get super focused on doing a good job. And that isn’t usually a problem—until it is. For many people, it never is. The sweet spot for coaching is when people are either intrigued by the idea of going from good to great or inspired to challenge themselves to go for something that feels ever so slightly out of reach. So it sounds like this timing is perfect for you.

As you start thinking about your own personal development goals, the first step is to learn what your organization is hoping to accomplish by providing you and your peers with group coaching. Presumably they are seeking some kind of impact. Maybe they want all of their managers to align their behaviors with organizational values or to develop some pre-defined leadership competencies. Is there anything they have already provided that evokes a potential vision for yourself—something to aspire to?

In the absence of any direction from your organization, the next stop would be your boss. I imagine you have been getting feedback from them—possibly a skill that needs developing or a behavior to try on. If no pointers have been shared, you might ask your manager for a one-on-one meeting in which you ask questions such as:

• Based on what you have observed, what roles should I be aiming for? What should I be focusing on to be a good candidate?
• Is there anything you see that would help me add even more value to you, my team, or the organization?
• What do think is possible for me?

It is entirely possible your manager isn’t used to this kind of conversation, so be patient. It is also possible your manager won’t have anything useful to share with you. That would be sad, but it wouldn’t be unusual.

Once you have exhausted your search for input from the outside, you can do some reflection to see what bubbles up from the inside. In The Owner’s Manual for the Brain, Dr. Pierce Howard shares a useful framework for shaping a satisfying life (pg.868):

• Flow: total absorption in the task at hand
• Fit: work that builds on your strengths
• Goal progress: the pursuit of that which is personally meaningful
• Relationships: friends and friendly acquaintances that appeal in some way
• Altruism: service to others

You might consider that any goal you set for yourself will be most engaging if it meets at least some of these criteria—the more the better. As you reflect, you can also practice visualizing what a great day at work might look like in five years. Visualizing the future is not a natural activity for many people, and it takes some practice, so don’t be discouraged if you don’t have a crystal clear vision right out of the gate.

Ask yourself: how many direct reports do I have? Am I leading individual contributors or am I leading managers? How much time do I spend in meetings? How much time do I spend doing my own work? What is the nature of the work? What kind of problems am I solving? Am I traveling to meet with people or to job sites, or am I at a desk most of the time? What kinds of people am I interacting with? What do I bring to the table that adds value or makes me a unique contributor?

Another way to gain insight into your heart’s desire is to identify whom you envy. Envy can be useful in that it gives us information about what matters to us. It helps us understand that we really want something in a way that maybe had not been clear. If envy reveals something you automatically think you can never have, that may be true, but it may also be an assumed constraint that you can overcome.

Hopefully, this will be enough to get you started.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work on a great team. We do good work together, and we seem to always find a way to hit our milestones and deadlines. My problem is that our team lead seems to be inappropriately dependent on me.

He is pretty much AWOL most of the time and I am the only person on the team that he has regular contact with. He asked me to create a report to send him every week outlining where the team is with key projects. He sends me to almost all cross-functional meetings in his place, and I report back with updates on the agenda items, what decisions were made, etc.

Whenever anyone on the team has a problem, they hit me up on Slack and I am generally able to help them out. When I do feel the need to escalate, I send an email to the team lead and hope for a response, though I rarely get one. I usually end up using my best judgment and sending him an email telling him what I decided.

It took me a couple of months to notice just how out of contact he is with the rest of the team. I went for drinks with a couple of team members the other night and the topic came up.

It is now obvious to me that everyone on the team sees me as their leader and that nobody really knows what happened to our lead. We all feel like he just kind of fell off the planet. I am just not sure what to make of this.

I don’t really mind. I enjoy being helpful and I am able to get all of my work done, so the extra time isn’t a problem. But I worry that I am letting myself be taken advantage of. I also worry about what is going to happen when it comes to performance reviews, which are coming up soon. I know who on the team puts the time and effort in and who does the bare minimum, but I don’t feel like it is my job to be calling that out.

I am afraid my lead is going to ask me to handle the performance reviews and I need to be prepared. I think if I am going to do my boss’s job, I need to be paid more and be given the title. Ultimately, it seems unfair to me and to the team.

I have thought about bringing this up with him, but our infrequent 1×1’s are always rushed and packed with so many urgent things, there is never enough time.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

Missing Team Lead

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Dear Missing Team Lead,

I’m sorry—this situation sounds frustrating and upsetting. As someone with a high personal need for clarity, this would drive me insane. You don’t mention when it started or if something changed. Whatever happened to cause your manager to go missing in action, he should have asked you to take a larger role. He should have reached some clear agreements with you about how you would step up and negotiated how the added responsibility might be appropriately acknowledged and rewarded. It is really just that simple. You have definitely been put in an unfair position, and so far you have been a good sport about it. The question is what to do about it.

The choices available to you as always, variations on the classic:

1. Do nothing.
2. Do something.
3. Remove yourself from the situation.

As you think this through, your first step is to decide for yourself just how much ambiguity you can live with for how long, and identify what you really want. If you simply seek clarity, that might be easier to achieve than you expect. Or perhaps you simply want acknowledgement. If what you really want is a promotion, or even a bump in pay, that might be a little trickier. But if you don’t ask, the answer is always no, so getting more comfortable with asking for what you need will serve you well.

You really can do nothing and prepare to stay mum about anyone on the team. At some point your manager will either reappear, resign, or be fired—at which time hopefully you will be promoted to the role you have been doing.

The most obvious “do something” is to have the hard conversation with your AWOL boss. A model you might use to prepare, that has been extremely helpful to many of my clients, is Conversational Capacity. The author, Craig Weber, proposes that we all need to practice a mix of curiosity and candor. You might practice curiosity by asking your manager what is going on with him that is causing him to be so detached from work. You could practice candor by stating your position and how you arrived at it. You can read more about this here. Be clear about what you are experiencing, and express your concerns without blame or judgment. I recommend you practice with a friend to get both the words and the neutral tone right.

Another option would be to speak to your boss’s boss about it—but that depends entirely on your company’s culture. Only you can know if that approach would yield the result you want. If you have a good relationship with your boss’s boss, it could work. Again, avoid blame and judgment.

Removing yourself from the situation would mean trying to find another job, which would probably be overkill. But you could just stop stepping up and see what happens.

Once you decide what you really want and what you are willing to do (and risk) to get it, the choice will reveal itself. You sound level-headed and competent. I suspect you will find your way.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a professional office manager. I happily managed a medical practice for many years until I was let go when it was acquired by a large national entity.

I recently went for an interview to manage a new practice after having several promising interviews. I arrived early for the interview and was sitting in the waiting room when I overheard one of the doctors speaking to a PA, a nurse, and the desk staff. He was just awful. He called people names and was overbearing and condescending.

It turned out that he is the managing partner, and my interview was with him. He had no idea I had been sitting and waiting for a while, and he could not have been more charming. I started to get the idea that he really wanted to just hire me on the spot because they keep losing their office managers.

They have offered me the job. The pay is competitive and the benefits are fine. I am just not sure I can deal with this person being my boss. And I don’t think it would be fun to manage a staff that is so browbeaten.

At my last office, the doctors were kind and treated the staff with respect and consideration. I didn’t even realize what a difference that makes until I got a shocking view of the exact opposite.

What do you think? Jobs that fit my skill set in my area aren’t that plentiful. Should I just bite the bullet? I have money saved, so I am not desperate for a job, but I also wonder if I am being too picky. Are my standards too high?

Thanks for any ideas you may have for me.

Too Picky?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Too Picky?

No. You aren’t too picky. You are right to carefully assess the quality of the work environment you are considering. There is so much research showing that incivility in the workplace affects the quality of life and even the health of workers. You can read an example of some here.

Here is the thing. You are basing your initial assessment on one experience. You don’t actually know if the doctor in question behaves that way all the time. Maybe he was having a terrible day. And what about all the other doctors?

You might think about getting in contact with some of the staff members and asking what it is like to work in the office. That will give you a lot more information. If your first impression is corroborated, that will tell you what you need to know. If you still aren’t sure, you might suggest a three-month trial period. If the practice lead and the other doctors are awful all the time, you can leave and tell them why. So it isn’t all or nothing. You might have an opportunity to influence and make the practice the kind of happy place you were accustomed to.

Your instincts are good, Too Picky. I just don’t know that you need to make a snap decision. Explore the opportunity a little more. Maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I hope you find the right place!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My daughter told me I have “imposter syndrome.” I’ve done some research and I don’t think I have that at all. I think it’s something else. But I am definitely struggling with something.

I have an unusually high IQ, graduated high school two years early, and attended a top university on a full scholarship. I was offered a spot in a top graduate program that I completed with honors. I have been in senior leadership positions for over twenty years. I’m not bragging, just trying to set context.

About 18 months ago I was tapped to join the executive team of my organization, a global publicly traded company. When I told my best friend, she laughed and said, “Oh, they are nailing their DEI quota by having a black girl on the team!”

I just can’t get it out of my head. It’s true that the team consists of me, a lot of white guys, and one Indian guy who oversees IT. I hate that anyone thinks I have my job because of my sex or my race. I get along well with every other member of the executive team. The CEO and the chairman of the board call me all the time to get my take on the economy and our strategic plan and position. And yet—what if I did get this job as a token? Is that imposter syndrome?

 I have never once doubted myself until now. It is distracting and it worries me. And with the way things are going, now I am also worried that the need to have a diverse executive team is no longer an imperative, and that I will be summarily fired when I least expect it.

Am I nuts? I am hoping you can provide some perspective.

Token CFO

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Dear Token CFO,

You aren’t nuts. And you aren’t suffering from imposter syndrome or tokenism. It seems what you might be struggling with is the weight of a bunch of yuck and fear that other people are projecting onto you. And when it’s people who love you and (in theory) want the best for you, it is harder to interpret and to insulate yourself from. This, to me, is simply an example of the dark side of success, which is seldom talked about. It would make sense that the people who love you most would be nothing but supportive, but that is rarely the case. When someone achieves great heights, it can be threatening to loved ones and evoke all kinds of unexpected fears:

• Fear that you might become such a big shot that you don’t have time or space for them
• Fear that you might have huge success only to be bitterly disappointed
• Fear that you will develop an overly inflated view of yourself and your personality will change

And that’s just for starters. None of these fears are conscious—if they were, you wouldn’t have to put up with this nonsense.

Let’s look at this rationally. It sounds like you are comfortable with that.

I asked my pal Betty Dannewitz, our resident expert on imposter syndrome, to weigh in, and she confirms your assessment. She says:

“Imposter syndrome is defined as believing you are inadequate and incompetent despite evidence that indicates you are skilled and quite successful. TCFO doesn’t have imposter syndrome, but what her best friend said is giving her feelings of imposter syndrome. The doubt was planted and that is unfortunate.” 

 Betty goes on to say: “Remember that feelings lie most of the time. So, regardless of how TCFO is feeling, the evidence proves she is competent and capable and they want and need her in that position. She said herself that they call on her for perspective and insight. If she were a token, they would have already checked the box and moved on. In fact, based on the evidence, she is an asset. Believe the data, not the doubt.”

The thing about imposter syndrome is that it can become a catch-all term for any reasonable doubts we may have about ourselves. And who doesn’t have occasional doubts? I have met a few people who truly never doubt themselves and I will admit that they kind of scare me. A little doubt is healthy. It means you are self-aware and you are focused on continual improvement.

Let’s talk about the token thing. As Betty noted, the evidence suggests that your friend’s quip is simply untrue. Betty also opened her response to me with “Nice friend, huh?” which echoed my thought exactly. But let’s remember that the remark came from a dark place that has nothing to do with your reality.

I can understand how you might be worried in this current climate, but there is no reason to look for trouble where none exists. And here is the question I always ask clients if they worry that they were given an opportunity for reasons other than pure merit: What if it were true? What if you got the job because your father is friends with the CEO? What if you got the job because they needed to fill a quota? What if you got the job because someone wants something from you? So what? Because in the end, if you want a job and someone gives it to you, all there is to do is a good job. To prove yourself worthy of your good fortune (if only to yourself). To rise to the occasion, bring your best, and crush it—which you are apparently doing.

Doubts are normal, my friend. Doubt is simply a facet of fear, and fear can be useful. Doubt and fear only become a problem when they stop you from taking smart risks, doing your best work, and fulfilling your potential. You can treat your doubt like a character in the story of your life and talk back to it when it takes up too much space in your head. One of my clients named her doubt Tina—short for Doubtina—and she used to say things like, “Oh, Tina showed up big time this week. We made a detailed list of all her concerns, and it was clarifying. I definitely saw some areas that I could pay more attention to. Then I sent her on her way.”

You can be kind and forgiving to your daughter and your friend, knowing they probably mean well. Just because they are afraid—of losing you or for you—doesn’t mean you have to be. Just keep building those relationships and being your brilliant self.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior leader in a highly specialized digital publishing organization and I have about 14 direct reports. Organizationally, I’m third in seniority. My plan is, by the end of 2025, to transition out of this role and into my own coaching and consulting business. I’d be working with some clients, but primarily in an adjacent field.

I am currently working on building up the coaching business on nights, weekends, and off hours. I’ve been able to grow what had been a side hustle into what looks to be a successful final chapter for me (I’m 60 years old) without it affecting my productivity in my current role. My boss is aware that I do this coaching and consulting work, but at this point he is not aware of my plan to transition into coaching full-time in early 2026.

My questions are: when is the appropriate time to tell my boss I’m planning to exit, and how do you recommend I share the news? I want to give him adequate lead time as I think this news will create some significant disruption, and I would like to be involved in handing off the baton to whomever is next to step into my role. But I don’t want to risk my boss overreacting and ending our relationship before I am ready to go.

Thanks for your wisdom. I just want to be—

Smart

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Dear Smart,

First, congratulations on creating a successful side hustle while working full-time. That takes a lot of focus and energy, and it is a huge accomplishment. And welcome to the coaching profession. I hope it brings you all the fulfillment it has given me.

I am struck by how thoughtful you are about your transition out, as you clearly have the success of your company at heart. Your question is interesting on many levels, and it is hard to give you a definitive answer without knowing your company’s culture and your boss. But just the fact that you are concerned about what to me sounds like an irrational overreaction is a clue that your boss values loyalty over proper planning. So, not to be annoying, but as a coach you will recognize the approach: Given what you know, what advice would you give a friend in your position?

I have such a high value for clarity, communication, and planning that it’s hard for me to get my head around a boss who wouldn’t appreciate the heads up, welcome your help in preparing your successor, and wish you Godspeed when you are ready to go. In fact, most leaders I work with would appreciate knowing what someone they depend on is thinking about the future. But you do have concerns, and they come from somewhere, so I encourage you to heed them.

It is the norm in most companies to encourage senior leaders to create a succession plan and actively develop their successors. It doesn’t sound like that is true in your company, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still do exactly that. I urge you to identify any likely candidates among your 14-ish direct reports. Once you’ve got your short list, you might delegate parts of your job or assign these folks tasks that will ensure they learn and develop. At least one or two of them will show evidence that they can take on your job.

The rule of thumb for senior executives is 60 days’ notice—ideally, 90 days for a super smooth transition. If you are really worried that your boss will fly off the handle and retaliate, I would suggest that you wait until you are ready to go and offer a range of transition time from two weeks (which is standard) to 60 days. That way you take care of yourself, you don’t run the risk of being ejected before you are ready, and you can flex as needed if you are asked to craft a sensible transition. Be ready with recommendations and your supporting reasoning for likely replacements. That would be the sane, responsible thing to do, and you’ll be able to hold your head high no matter what happens. You may or may not get to participate in the passing of the baton—that will be up to your boss.

I wish you continued stamina and lots of luck in this next chapter you are creating.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a company that directly supports several industries that have been affected by the changes that are being made in Washington—financial services, supply chain, manufacturing, etc. Many of our contracts have been put on hold, which is clear at least. In some cases, though, when we try to contact our partners to find out what is going on, we get no return calls or emails. We aren’t sure if people have been laid off or what services they are still expecting. The bills we sent them months ago are going unpaid.

My team is in chaos. Everyone is in a state of dread, expecting our entire business to fail. This seems even worse than COVID; I can’t put my finger on why, exactly. Some of my people’s spouses have been laid off from their jobs. One person lost her parents in that awful plane crash on the Potomac, which I know has nothing to do with the changes at work but it casts a pall. I do get how some people feel like the world is ending.

Thankfully, we still have plenty of work, but I can’t seem to get people to stay focused. How do I stop this spiral and help everyone get back on an even keel?

Negative Spiral

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Dear Negative Spiral,

I am so, so sorry for the distress you and your people are going through. You are not alone—I have heard similar anguish from many people in many sectors. Big change is always destabilizing and scary. Our brains are not built to respond rationally to uncertainty.

I have a few ideas that may help, but first I will caution you to adjust your goal to “get people back on an even keel.” My Spidey sense tells me things are going to get more tumultuous before they settle, and whatever was an even keel (a.k.a. normal life) will end up being a new normal. My point is that, just as with COVID, it will take years for everyone who is affected by all the changes in regulations to find their footing.

As a leader, job one for you is to stay calm. Your people will take their cues from you, so if you can demonstrate that the sky is not, in fact, falling, that will help.

Another thing you can do is listen. Let people share their distress and help them brainstorm how they might respond to their misfortunes and changes in circumstance. You can’t fix anything for people, but you can listen with empathy and let them know you care. No one wants to hear “everything is going to be okay” until they have had a chance to share all the reasons they don’t believe it. You will find it takes more time than you want it to take, but you will immediately experience the value of it.

Perhaps your company has an Employee Assistance Program that your people can take advantage of. Many EAPs will provide at least some appointments with a therapist so that people can fully express their distress and potentially learn some coping strategies.

Finally, it may help if you share that despite the uncertainty with some contracts, there is still “plenty of work.” An approach I have seen to be very effective is when leaders share, clearly and succinctly:

1. What I know for sure (today);
2. What I believe will happen (based on experience); and
3. What I don’t know and we will all have to wait and see.

This is a slightly modified version of listing what is within our control, what is somewhat within our control that we might be able to influence, and what is most definitely outside our control. The “sphere of control” exercise might be a helpful framework for some of your most deeply affected folks.

It is much more likely that sailors will weather a storm when their captain appears to believe they all can. It sounds like you do believe your organization will be okay, so it can’t hurt to share that reassuring point of view with your people.

Finally, after every conversation in which you listen and reassure people, you can redirect their focus on what they can do in the next hour, today, and this week. Research shows that switching from ruminating, which can deepen and strengthen negative thoughts (and requires that the brain be in the default mode network), to focusing on and accomplishing a discrete task that requires full concentration (which requires the brain to be in the task positive network) interrupts the downward spiral. It’s because these modes are mutually exclusive—the brain cannot be in both modes at once. This is why, when we become paralyzed by our negative thoughts, it can help to simply make the bed or perform administrative tasks. There is a reason that humans often have the instinct to stay busy in the face of challenging and unpleasant emotions.

For the foreseeable future, it is possible that the best you can hope for is to help stop the spiraling and keep people at least semi-functional. Stay calm and optimistic yourself. Stay focused on what is working and what can be done.

You will be a hero.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing people for over a decade and now manage several businesses. There are constant fires that need to be put out. I spend hours on the phone trying to get to the bottom of what the problems are. Sometimes, after I have put in time, it turns that what seemed like a huge issue just isn’t.

I can’t tell if this is just the job, or if I need to get better at identifying whether something is simply noise or a real problem that keeps us from meeting our deadlines. My biggest concern is that I will misjudge and let a critical issue slide.

How do other leaders deal with this?

Tempest in a Tea Pot

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Tempest in a Tea Pot

It is both: it’s the job and it’s something you need to get better at.

What you’re describing is a classic challenge for high-level managers: balancing urgent issues with truly important ones. Some problems feel massive but end up being inconsequential, while others sneak in as minor concerns and derail progress if left unaddressed. The people who master this aspect of leadership enjoy their work a lot more than those who don’t.

It sounds like you might benefit from implementing a structured approach for triaging issues more effectively. Here are some ideas:

Create a Decision Filter: Develop a reliable system for assessing the impact of a problem. Questions you might ask yourself include:

• Will this problem directly affect revenue, compliance, or key deadlines?
• Is it recurring or a one-time issue?
• Does it require my input or can someone else handle it?
• What is the worst-case scenario if it isn’t addressed right now?

Empower Your Team: If you’re spending too much time on the phone chasing down problems, it could mean your team isn’t equipped to handle certain issues independently. Possibly you have trained them to depend on you instead of requiring them to consider possible solutions before escalating to you. Consider implementing a clear escalation process where only specific, high-level concerns reach you.

Data-Driven Analysis: Keep a log of these fires. You may be able to identify patterns, which would point to certain processes that need refinement or proactive solutions.

Set Communication Protocols: Instead of reacting to every issue immediately, structure how your team communicates problems. For example:

• Categorize issues (critical, important, low priority). Define exactly what needs to be escalated and what you expect your people to deal with on their own.
• Have daily or weekly problem-solving huddles. This may help to develop a shared understanding and language for what is a real problem and what might be interpreted as a temporary inconvenience.
• Require that your team members submit a written report before you agree to a meeting, so that you can see the full scope before reacting. Sometimes the discipline of having to explain a situation in writing can help the person identify a solution for themselves.

Time-Box Your Problem-Solving: Instead of getting dragged into long phone calls, set a limit; e.g., “Let’s discuss this for ten minutes. If needed, we’ll escalate further.”

If you have any peers you trust, it could help to ask them how they deal with this issue. You may get some great ideas that relate directly to your business.

This is definitely part of the job; but if you’re constantly firefighting, it might indicate that you need to stop allowing your folks to use you as a sounding board, duck responsibility, or be overly dramatic. As Ken Blanchard has said, “Leadership is what happens when you’re not around.” So the more you can train them to think things through, assess risk, weigh the options, develop a community of thought partners, and make good decisions without needing your help, the more you are developing your people.

I wish you smoother sailing!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your last blog with interest. My boss and I have worked together for four years and, generally speaking, I have done well with her. She shows appreciation for my work and has been warm and supportive of my career aspirations.

However, there are moments when something she does or says puts me into a tailspin that takes me a long time to recover from. It often is an offhand comment. I have spent a fair amount of time talking colleagues off the ledge for the same thing.

We all put up with it because she is brilliant and we learn so much from her. She challenges us to do great work, which we are all proud of. But she is A LOT, and we never quite know what to expect from her.

We have nicknamed her “Toxy” and have made a game of finding examples of toxic leaders on IG and debating which kind she is. At times I have thought about seeking a job elsewhere, but I feel like I may be learning how to navigate her. Also, there are enough great things about the work and the company that make it worth staying.

I hope you can explain this phenomenon and advise me on what I might do to manage it even more effectively.

How Toxic Is Too Toxic?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear How Toxic is Too Toxic?

First, thanks for making me laugh—your nickname for your boss is darkly funny. It’s also sad. I am sorry for you, your colleagues, and your boss.

I dedicated my first coaching company to helping creative geniuses, which included people with unusually high IQs and many others who were extraordinarily gifted in some way. One of the first things creative geniuses need to do is learn how the world looks to people who aren’t them. This can be an insurmountable challenge for some. When these people become leaders, they are often oblivious to the effect the combination of their personality, their high standards, and their increased power has over others. It can create a difficult environment.

Now let’s define toxic. When we talk about toxic leaders, we usually mean people who create a harmful, destructive, or abusive work environment. Toxic leaders tend to prioritize their own power, control, or personal gain over the well-being of their team or their organization.

It would actually be a lot easier if leaders who unwittingly create a difficult or even toxic environment were, indeed, 100% evil. Unfortunately, what is more often the case is the leader is simply 100% human—that is, flawed—and lacks awareness of their impact on others. To confuse matters further, a leader’s personality traits will be interpreted differently by each individual on their team. A boss who is perceived as a bully by one person might be perceived by another as simply tough. A boss who seems controlling to one person might be seen by another as caring a lot about accuracy or quality.

It sounds to me like your boss is mostly guilty of being inconsistent, unpredictable, and unconscious of how her behavior affects people.

There is a distinction here between an actual, full-fledged, toxic leader—someone who has consciously chosen to win at all costs no matter the collateral damage—and a flawed leader who inadvertently creates a toxic work environment.

Here are some common traits of a toxic leader:

• Manipulative and self-serving: They use deception, favoritism, or power plays to maintain control.
• Micromanaging and controlling: They don’t trust their employees and constantly interfere with their work.
• Emotionally abusive: They belittle, humiliate, or gaslight employees. They remember mistakes and bring them up in perpetuity. They seek out ways to make others doubt themselves.
• Blame-shifting: They refuse to be accountable and often scapegoat others.
• Lacking empathy: They disregard the feelings, concerns, or professional growth of their team.
• Playing favorites/nepotism: They reward loyalty over competence, which leads to unfair treatment.
• Encouraging a toxic culture: They tolerate or even promote workplace bullying, competition, and fear.

Some examples of toxic leadership styles include but are not limited to:

• The bully, who uses intimidation and fear to control employees.
• The narcissist, who cares only about their own success and recognition and believes they are the only one whose feelings matter.
• The incompetent leader, who has little knowledge, skills, or experience, but lacks the humility required to listen to others or learn anything new.
• The workaholic martyr, who expects others to sacrifice work-life balance like they do, refuses to push back on unrealistic expectations from above, avoids responsibility for prioritizing (because everything is urgent), and behaves like a victim.
• The passive-aggressive leader, who undermines employees subtly rather than addressing issues directly, and avoids giving useful feedback.
• The unpredictably moody and explosive leader, who keeps everyone around them guessing about their emotional state, walking on eggshells, and avoiding interactions for fear of being ambushed.

So here is my question to you: do you think Toxy has any of these traits? Does her consistent style fit any of the profiles? If the answer is yes, encourage your teammates to keep records of inappropriate behavior or egregious incidents for eventual reporting to HR—and, of course, do the same yourself. You also may want to explore your options for another position.

If the environment Toxy has created still allows you to do your best work, there is a chance she isn’t truly toxic, just difficult. You may consider two specific things:

Learn to set boundaries. If something she does sends you into a tailspin, wait until you have calmed down and then tell her. Use “I” language; e.g.: “When this happens, it throws me for a loop.”

The keys to setting boundaries with anyone are:

• Strike when the iron is cool. Meeting strong emotion with your own strong emotion will not yield the desired result.
• Get clear on what you want.
• State your request and describe it clearly and concisely.
• Acknowledge the person when they meet your terms, or be ready to calmly point out when they don’t.

Next time you find yourself in a tailspin, try to figure out what triggered you and formulate a request to avoid such a trigger in the future. You may be able to help your boss understand the impact she has on you, which is possibly not her intention.

Practice taking nothing personally. It sounds like your boss throws everyone on the team off their game, so her behavior probably isn’t actually personal to you. She almost certainly does the same thing to her friends and family. This means it isn’t about you, it’s about her.

The best description of this truth can be found in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He says: “What others say and do is a reflection of their own reality, not yours.” If you feel yourself spinning out, ask yourself this question: “Am I taking this personally? And if I am, what might be different if I stopped doing that?” 

This might be something you can help your teammates do as well.

So there you have it. Either your boss really is toxic—in which case, fight back, involve HR, and get out as soon as you can. If she is simply complicated and thorny, give her the benefit of the doubt and gently teach her how to get the best from you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I’m dealing with a very weird situation. I’m on a large cross-functional team made up of leads and managers. Our leader is the new EVP of operational excellence. He seems to really like some of the members of the team and really dislike others. He regularly forgets to include the people he dislikes in critical meetings and decisions. He makes snarky remarks when someone he dislikes floats an idea, only to compliment the next person who says practically the same thing.

He has created a division between the liked people and the disliked people. It is subtle, and I’m not sure I would have noticed it if one of my best friends at work wasn’t on team reject. When she pointed it out, I couldn’t unsee it. I feel lucky to find myself in the in-group, but can also see how the situation is headed for disaster.

I lead teams myself and can’t understand what this new guy is up to, why he is doing this, or how he hopes to succeed. He also does other things that make no sense, but this particular thing is the worst of it.

What would you do in this situation? I am at a total loss.

So Confused

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear So Confused,

Getting operational excellence right is hard enough without shenanigans like this. One trait of a toxic leader is to play favorites. It destabilizes teams by destroying trust. There is a good chance your new EVP is totally unconscious of what he is doing and the effect it is having. In my opinion, this is the behavior of someone who needs to have power over others and achieves it by keeping people nervous and jumpy. If he bullies some people and not others, it automatically creates a reflex in the not-bullied group to stay on his good side, and slowly silences everyone.

 It sounds like this person is not your direct boss, nor the boss of your friend who has been relegated to the out-group, so it may not affect your performance review if this cross-functional team doesn’t accomplish anything. But that may not be true for your friend.

You have a few choices here, but none of them are attractive.

You can do nothing, which will inevitably impact the relationship with your friend.

You can get together with your friend and brainstorm what the two of you could do to change the situation. You might consider recruiting a few more team members from both the in-group and the out-group to engineer some kind of revolt. If you could manage to pull the whole team together, you could include HR to conduct an intervention of sorts. It would only work if the entire team was on board and unanimously demanded that everyone on the team be treated with respect.

You might consider going to the EVP and pointing out what you are observing—but that could be a career-ending move. People who need to have power over others usually aren’t keen to get feedback from anyone, especially not from someone they see as a subordinate. It depends on how much power he has and what kind of trust he has built with his peers and his superiors. Along those lines, you might practice standing up for people he is snarky with—but again, it’s possible all that will accomplish is to get yourself relegated to “team reject,” as you call it.

Look at the situation from all angles with as many of your team members as you trust. If a majority of the team agrees to stick together, you might have a chance to shift the ugly behavior. At the very least, you can probably ensure that nothing gets done, and let it reflect badly on the EVP. Does it appear that I’m condoning subversive behavior? I guess I am, because if people don’t stand up for themselves and each other, leaders like your EVP end up getting promoted and wreaking more havoc from an even stronger position.

Document every incident you remember and start keeping a running log of unacceptable behavior moving forward. This way, you will have a leg to stand on should the situation escalate. It would probably be up to your friend to take this whole mess to HR and to her boss. You might also mention the situation to your own boss, if you trust them.

The more you can get the team to stick together, the better chance you have of getting the EVP to change—or better yet, getting him removed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in communications in a multi-national, publicly owned company. I report to our CHRO with a dotted line to marketing. My job is to make sure our messaging is consistent across all our countries.

Our CEO and his executive team recently rolled out a complex strategic vision for the next five years, which included a small but significant reorganization and some new plans. I created the initial coms plan, which my boss took to the executive team. They made a few tweaks and signed off on it. I was so proud of the plan—I used research about change management to create it.

The big vision and the plans were announced at a town hall meeting. It went fine. Some people were freaked out, but that was to be expected. The next week I delivered the follow-up script and deck to the executive team for the FAQ meeting that had been scheduled, only to be told it had been canceled and that I should reschedule it for a month out. I complied, only to have it canceled again. I asked what date might work and got crickets. I have had it on my 1×1 agenda every week, but my boss cancels often as there are always more pressing issues. In the meantime, the entire coms plan is now a full quarter behind. In my last meeting with my boss, he informed me that the CEO doesn’t really see what he is trying to make happen as a “change” and doesn’t see the need to continue focusing on it. Our CEO apparently said, “If we keep talking about it, it will just encourage people to complain more. I want people to just get on with it.”

I get multiple emails a day from department heads asking when the FAQs are going to be ready, along with other questions I don’t have answers to. It is not my place to send anything without my boss’s say so. I feel completely helpless to influence what is looking to me like a train headed off a cliff.

I have been working in companies long enough to know anything that’s different from the status quo is a change, and change needs to be managed carefully and supported with lots of information and conversation. How can I influence my boss to influence the CEO? I am so frustrated.

Helpless

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Dear Helpless

Yours is not the first CEO to be a technically brilliant, gifted strategist who is utterly clueless about how humans operate. Nor is he the first who fails to listen to the people hired to help them accomplish their goals. Is it ego? Self-regard? Hubris? Who knows?

Your CHRO should know better than to allow what is certainly a huge change to go unmanaged. I hate to say it, but it is on his head if the whole thing flops miserably. Cold comfort, I know. But you did your job. You created the plan—it really is not your fault if it is ignored.

You must ask yourself what is within your control here. What if you were to suggest creating a site on the company’s intranet in which you can post the FAQs? Perhaps you could create an email address where people can send questions, just so you can show your boss that the problem is escalating. Instead of waiting for a 1×1, email him to suggest these things, and let him know that unless you hear otherwise, you will go ahead. That way, you take care of people who need answers and you have covered your tail in case your CEO gets upset. There is a good chance he won’t even notice.

Part of me wants to suggest that you write a letter to your CEO explaining that sharing suggestions for what he can do to vastly improve the chances that his people will “get on with it”. But I know in my heart that it will probably not result in anything positive for you. If you thought it had a chance of working, you would have already done that. Continue to surface the issue with your own boss until he tells you to stop. Maybe you could send him a letter outlining the best practices, with supporting research and statistics making the case that he could use with the CEO. But you must guard against being too attached to an outcome.

I am sure you have plenty of other work to do, so figure out what you can do without burning a bridge and let it go. If you continue to nurse your disappointment, it will only end up hurting you.

You might, of course, consider finding work at a company where the leadership is better and you think you can make an impact. There are some decent leaders out there—just not very many.

You can’t take it to heart when people in power refuse to listen to reason. Just do your best. That’s all you can do. Chalk it up to experience, try to find the humor, and move on.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I took some business and leadership courses in college and graduated with a degree in accounting. Last spring I got a job in the finance department of a mid-sized manufacturing company. I like the work and I am learning practical stuff.

What surprises me most is just how bad the management is. Not terrible, per se—just non-existent. Our CEO never talks to us and neither does our CFO. And my boss seldom tells me what he expects from me.

I am pretty scrappy. I’ve made friends in the department and I know who to go to for what, so I am figuring it out. We have team meetings, but there doesn’t seem to be a reason for them. We just talk about problems that come up and how to solve them. These meetings usually devolve into complaining sessions and feel like a waste of time.

My boss has told me to put time on his calendar to have one-on-one meetings with him. We have had a few, but they are awkward. He usually seems distracted and it is obvious his heart isn’t in it. He asks me how I’m doing and I use the time to ask questions. I have very little incentive to make these meetings happen. To be honest, I dread them and could easily find other ways to get the answers I need.

 I can get my job done in about 30 hours a week and I’m toying with investing the other time in a side gig, although that doesn’t really feel right. I feel like I could and should be doing more here but I have no idea what it would be. I’m afraid if I were to surface this concern, my boss would pile on so much more work that it would stress me out.

I guess I thought leaders in businesses that do well would actually lead more. How can I get more value out of my current experience?

Disappointed

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Dear Disappointed,

I appreciate how disappointing it is to have believed that out in the big wide world, professionals knew what they were doing. I, too, have suffered from this many times. The bald truth is that when companies do well, it is usually because their product or service is in high demand and the mechanics required to make it all work are barely adequate. More often than not, the long-term vision and strategy are left to chance and the people who make the organizations run are an afterthought, if they are thought of at all.

The question is: what do you do now? Your options are the standard three that we all have when any situation isn’t working for us.

1. Keep Things as They Are

You could maintain the status quo and just enjoy your extra time windfall. Is it dishonest to use time at work to do other things? Many managers feel that if the employee is getting their work done properly and on time, it’s all good. Others want to know if the person has the capacity to do more or different work. The signals your manager is sending you seem to be in the no-news-is-good-news category.

Another thought: there may be a cycle in the company that you aren’t aware of yet. Perhaps there is a busy season when everyone is slammed. There might be some wisdom in taking a wait-and-see approach.

2. Make an Effort to Change Things

This option involves a little more dedication, but might be good practice for the future. It would involve taking full responsibility for getting something out of your one-on-one meetings with your boss. Most people don’t realize the original idea behind one-on-ones is that they are for the employee and need to be driven by the employee. How? Write down what you think your goals, tasks, and commitments are. Keep a running record of everything you do between meetings as it relates to each goal, commitment, or task, so that you can update your boss on your progress. You may discover you aren’t doing everything your boss expects you to do. You may also discover you’re doing some things your boss doesn’t expect you to do, which may enhance his opinion of your performance. It may also provide context for the questions you ask. For more detail on how to supercharge your one-on-one meetings, you can find an e-book here.

All the effort you put into preparing for one-on-ones will provide both you and your boss much needed clarity—and will be especially useful when performance reviews roll around. This may shift how you and your boss are relating.

3. Leave the Situation

In my experience, when people jump ship without making sincere efforts to change the situation they are in, they end up with almost the exact situation in their next job. I am not saying this is all your fault, but you are part of the equation, so figuring out the part you are playing in the state of things can’t hurt.

If nothing changes, eventually you will get bored and it will be time to seek better leadership and more growth elsewhere. You’ll know when it is time.

I am sorry you are feeling disillusioned, but now you know the truth: people are, for the most part, just stumbling along trying not to screw up too badly. It is the rare human who sets sights on becoming a good person and a great leader, and it appears you might be one of them. So—YAY.

Keep on growing!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

It’s the new year. All my friends and colleagues are talking about New Year’s resolutions. I got nothin’.

I am plugging away at my work goals, but they don’t change much. I like my job. I am good at it. I am not gunning for a promotion. I go to the gym and eat right. I pay my bills. I stay in touch with my family. I like my friends, and we get together and have fun. I am fine with everything else in my life.

I am just questioning the obsession with constantly needing to set new goals to get better. Is it me? What am I missing?

Bah Humbug

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Dear Bah Humbug,

You’re fine. You can give yourself permission to enjoy the life you have created for yourself, which sounds very nice, indeed.

This “New Year, New Me!” time of year is a chance for people who want a change to tap into the collective psychic energy for inspiration and motivation to do something difficult. Maybe it’s something they’ve tried to do in the past and haven’t had success with.

There is no law that says you have to be constantly improving starting the first week in January. You’ll know when you are ready for a change, and it might be in June of 2027.

My point is that it will be there for you when you are ready.

Love, Madeleine

PS: For those who are resolved to make change now, here’s some advice I gave an earlier reader: Not Sure about New Year’s Resolutions? Ask Madeleine

And for those focusing on work goals, check out some advice I shared in a recent article: From Vision to Achievement: How Clear Goals Drive Performance

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

2024 was certainly a time of change. Readers of Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager continued to adapt, grow, and improve their skills to bring out the best in others. From navigating hybrid work complexities to tackling burnout, Madeleine’s insight and practical advice made the road a little easier.

Here is a countdown of this year’s top five most-viewed columns. Madeleine will return on January 4 with a new year of questions—possibly yours?

Working from Home and Feeling Left Out? Ask Madeleine

A remote worker reached out with a familiar concern: as the only remote team member, they felt left out of important conversations and worried their contributions were losing visibility. Madeleine’s advice? Be proactive—schedule regular check-ins, and suggest inclusive practices for your team.

Daily Back-to-Back Meetings Have You Fried? Ask Madeleine

“Help!” wrote a reader stuck in an endless cycle of meetings. Madeleine empathized, noting this is a common issue in today’s hybrid work environments. Her solution? A step-by-step plan to reassess priorities, block focused work time, and diplomatically decline unnecessary meetings.

Not Sure How to Address Burnout? Ask Madeleine

Helping people cope with stressors is a good start, says Madeleine in her third most-read column of the year. But it is far preferable to address the origin of the stressors that cause burnout in the first place. Madeleine shares some recommended resources and strategies.

Hired the Boss’s Son? Ask Madeleine

Regretting a hiring decision? A reader sought advice after realizing the boss’s son might not have been the best fit for the team. Madeleine offered two pathways—depending on the reader’s level of influence and job security—to address the situation constructively.

Team Member Is Overusing PTO? Ask Madeleine

In 2024’s most-read column, a manager sought advice on handling a team member’s excessive PTO usage. Madeleine suggested a compassionate yet firm approach: initiate a conversation about the impact of their choices and explore ways to balance individual needs with team dynamics.

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@blanchard.com. Please note: although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Wishing you a Happy New Year filled with growth, connection, and success!

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a regional business unit for a global supply chain company. During the Covid lockdown everyone went remote, and the organization got rid of the office we had. I like working remotely. And it works well for my team for all the reasons people state: no one misses the commute, there’s much more flexibility to get things done at home, and you only have to be presentable from the waist up. The work part of my job is fine. What I have realized only recently, though, is that I am lonely.

I used to have lunch with coworkers, go out for drinks after work, and chat with people in the hallways. The small talk used to get on my nerves a bit when I was on a deadline, but now I have no small talk at all. Two of my good work friends transferred to regions in very different time zones, so staying connected with them has been a challenge as well.

The Covid shutdown was also the beginning of the end of my marriage. We had both traveled a lot for work and when we were forced to spend 24/7 together, it became clear that we were in denial about how incompatible we were. I started living alone about a year ago. Getting divorced was a relief, but what I didn’t anticipate was the effect it would have on my social life: all my friends are “coupled” and it doesn’t occur to them to include me in their plans. My very best friend just had twins so she literally has no time for herself—let alone for me.

I am an introvert, so doing the things I need to do to rebuild a network feels utterly beyond me. I am only in my mid-thirties and all I do is work, scroll Instagram, and binge Netflix shows. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I am feeling very stuck and sad. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Lonesome

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Dear Lonesome,

I am sorry for how you are feeling right now. There is a little bit of a silver lining in that you have at least admitted to yourself the reality of what is going on and you’ve named how it makes you feel. That is a critical first step to making some changes. I think it may also be helpful to understand that the changes in your circumstances were gradual, and what you are now dealing with is the cumulative effect of that. None of this is your fault, Lonesome—it is simply the result of a whole bunch of events that were out of your control.

However.

You must—absolutely must—take action. I hear you when you say that rebuilding feels beyond you, but rebuilding is non-negotiable. It won’t be easy, but you will be glad you did it. Why? The research is clear: loneliness will impact your health. You can read Dr. Vivek H. Murthy’s paper, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” You will see immediately that you are not alone. The effects of the Covid-19 started a snowballing of isolation that has caught many off guard. It might also be helpful to pinpoint exactly what feels beyond you, so that you can identify what feels doable. If absolutely nothing feels doable, you might consider talking to a medical professional to address what might be mild depression. That would certainly make sense, given what you have been through. This tip is, of course, outside my expertise—but if it resonates with you, there might be something to it.

What to do? Dr. Murthy makes some broad recommendations on pg. 66 of his paper, but I can also share some ideas that came to mind when I read your letter.

Start with what you already have:

• If there is no time for small talk online, set up time with coworkers nearby to meet in person. Meet at a coffee shop to work on a specific project. Have regular one-on-ones with your direct reports in person once a month—again, meet at a coffee shop or find an outdoor space if you live in a warm climate. Plan dinners with coworkers. I know social time used to be spontaneous, but now you will have to plan it ahead. If you are worried that you have all lost the skill of small talk, bring along a list of questions to get things going. Rely on your management skill and manifest some get-togethers with people who only see each other online. This is crucial to your well-being—and there is a good chance you aren’t the only one suffering, so, as a leader, it is also the best thing you can do for your people.
• You still have good work friends. Don’t let the time-zone thing deter you. Friendships are precious, and the only way to maintain them is to make the effort.
• Assuming your ex didn’t get custody of all your “coupled” friends, get in touch with the ones you liked. Let them know you are ready to socialize again and would love to be included in whatever social plans they are making. Pick up your phone and use it for what it was originally intended for—talking to people. Text them, at the very least. You have been out of sight, so you have been out of mind, and that is something you can change. There is no law that says couples can only hang with other couples.
• Your BFF has twins? I guarantee she is as lonely as you are. There is nothing as isolating as being at home with babies. Stop by with dinner. Offer to go to her house and hold one of the babies so that she can have one-on-one time with the other one. Go over and help with bathtime. Get her out for a walk with the stroller—it is so much easier to do with two people in case one of the babies melts down or they both do at the same time. If all she can talk about is baby stuff, so what? Smile, nod, and slap an interested look on your face, even if you are bored to tears. I had my first kid long before any of my friends did, and the only friends I still have thirty-five years later are the ones who went out of their way to accommodate my new circumstances. I am forever grateful to them.

Once you have done a few of the above things, you can cast a wider net.

• Adopt a pet. If that feels like too much, but you like dogs, go to your local shelter and volunteer to walk one.
• Find a way to volunteer for a cause that matters to you or a great need in your community that you can help address. Something that gets you out of your house. There is nothing like being in service to others to get your mind off yourself.
• Join a gym—or if you are allergic to gyms, make yourself go for a walk everyday. Just getting outdoors, having a little sun on your face, will change your outlook. At the very least, it will get you off your phone and your couch. If you like to hike, find a meetup near you to join like-minded others. Or use Meetup to find people who share any other interest you may have.
• If you are a reader, find or start a book group. If you are a cook, start a cooking club.

Start small, Lonesome. Try forcing yourself to do one thing a week for the first month, then two things a week, until you get to three things a week. Experiment! Not everything will be a smashing success, but you will learn, tweak as you go, and clarify what works well.

This will be hard. You will think there is something wrong with you, but there isn’t. You are at the mercy of Newton’s first law, otherwise known as inertia, which states that an object will remain at rest or in motion unless an external force acts upon it. Objects at rest will stay at rest; objects in motion will stay in motion. It takes a big charge of energy to change your state of inertia, so you will have to apply some will to change it. You will have moments when you want to cancel; when you would much prefer to stay home in your jammies. You will 100% be uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay.

Discomfort won’t kill you, but loneliness will. Get to work. Today.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am in a quandary. It may sound dumb to you, but I am interested to hear your thoughts.

I am in my mid-twenties and have been blessed with what seems to be almost incredible luck. I am smart enough, and came wired with a lot of stamina, a strong work ethic, a sunny outlook, and an ability to get along with almost anyone.

I am half Puerto Rican, but most people automatically think I am white. I have the advantage of being a minority when it serves me, but haven’t suffered from discrimination other than the kind that comes with being female—and, to tell the truth, even that hasn’t held me back. I grew up with two very decent parents, surrounded by lots of family, and went to an adequate public school where I got a good education. I was able to take advantage of affirmative action to get myself into a top college with solid financial aid and a work study job I liked. I got into an excellent grad school program, also with financial aid.

Now I have a job I love with a boss who cares about me in an organization that I respect. I have groups of friends whom I love and who love me.

What’s the problem, you’re wondering? Well—there isn’t one. I feel like everyone I meet that is my age has problems—childhood trauma, discrimination, mental illness, terrible parents, bullying—the list goes on and on. I feel boring. I wonder what I did to deserve so much luck. I am actually beginning to think it is going to run out at some point, and I’m waiting for that shoe to drop.

Don’t get me wrong, I have worked very hard and have had to overcome some challenges. It hasn’t all been easy. Do you think I’m nuts to worry?

Just Lucky

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Dear Just Lucky,

You’re not nuts. But you need to cut it out, mainly because worrying never helped anyone or anything. Stop worrying before it becomes a habit and you are as anxious and/or depressed as everyone around you. You came into this life with everything you needed to make the best of it, and you have done exactly that. You have indeed been lucky.

What did you do to deserve so much luck? Well, that’s one of the great existential questions, isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to terrible people? How does who deserves what get decided? Entire disciplines are devoted to answering those questions—philosophy, religious studies, all of the arts. I have come close to formulating answers for myself, but I don’t think my answers are what you are looking for. In fact, I don’t think anyone can answer them for you, and I would recommend that you run away from anyone who claims to have the answers. At the risk of offending those who are certain of “The Truth,” I encourage you to be suspicious of anyone who professes to know it.

There might be some value in examining the language in play here. What does it even mean to “have luck”? Or to “be lucky”? Research shows it is definitely good fortune to come into the world with kind and happy parents, but you and I both know that plenty of people do not see the value in that good fortune. And plenty of people who are born into disastrous circumstances find ways to rise above them. One might say lucky people cultivate a particular skill in noticing and then taking advantage of opportunities. And lucky people work hard to be prepared for the moment opportunity presents itself. And lucky people use good judgment about whom they take advice from. I suspect you have done all of the above.

You can also examine what it means to “deserve.” The most common usage expresses that someone has earned or been given something because of something they have done or because they have certain qualities. This usage implies that the world is fair, and we all know that isn’t true. Another usage implies that to deserve good fortune, one should be worthy of it. This requires that we have a good answer for what it means to be worthy. That, of course, depends entirely on who you ask, so that might be an interesting research project.

In the end, you will have to decide what it means to you. What would it mean to be worthy of your good fortune? I have spent most of my adult life defining that for myself, and am happy to share it with you, even as I caution you to simply add it to all the answers you get in your quest and come to your own conclusion.

In my opinion, to be worthy means to put a great deal of thought into how one can be a contribution to the world, to leave every interaction or situation the better for you having been a part of it. It is that simple, and of course, on many days, that difficult.

One person who has interesting and useful things to say about how “lucky” people are a force for good in the world is Jennifer Brown. Her body of work focuses on how those with privilege can advocate for and be allies of people who have less of it. This can be a wonderful way to share one’s good fortune. But let me be clear, this is not to imply obligation. Succumbing to others’ ideas of how you should go about being worthy is a recipe for disaster.

Another source of good sense to tap is the work of Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, Ruiz offers a code of conduct that is hard to argue with:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Don’t take anything personally.
• Don’t make assumptions.
• Always do your best.

Simple, right? But, given our confounding human nature, not always easy. I have been testing these four practices since the book was published in 1997 and they have never steered me wrong.

Your luck is not going to run out, JL. Lucky doesn’t mean that you get to avoid difficulty and problems. Lucky means that when difficulty and problems crop up, you will face them with your stamina, your work ethic, and your sunny outlook and you will be able enlist help from people who care about you. Will difficult things happen that are outside of your control? Undoubtedly. That is just life. But you will figure out the best way to respond when those things happen, because that’s just who you are, and nothing will change that. Don’t go looking for problems because you feel boring. You aren’t boring. You have entirely too much zest for life to be boring. Plenty of problems will come your way naturally, and when they do, you will be prepared.

You are asking the right questions, JL. Keep asking, keep searching, talk to people you respect and admire, find your own answers, and enjoy the heck out of being you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I don’t quite know how to say this without sounding like a total jerk, but I am really, really smart. It was useful getting through school—I got the highest possible scores on standardized tests without even trying. I have an almost photographic memory, and forget nothing. I got through college in three years and now have a great job in finance and data analysis while going to grad school for data science.

My problem: nobody listens to me.

There are ways we do things that could be done much more easily. There are computer shortcuts nobody here seems to know about that could speed things up. All my coworkers call me “the kid” and tease me constantly about being a know-it-all. All I am trying to do is help them get their work done faster. We have several software systems, but only three of these would be necessary to achieve everything we need. Apparently, no one understood the capabilities of what we already had when they were trying to figure out how to accomplish something new that was needed.

I have tried to share several thoughts with my boss—but he has no time for me and usually has no idea what I am talking about. He has made it clear that I am annoying him.

I am not such an out-of-touch brainiac that I don’t know I need to somehow improve my emotional intelligence. I’ve heard that feedback my whole life. But I am not sure where to start.

I was hoping you could point me in the right direction.

Smarty Pants

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Dear Smarty Pants,

It can be so shocking to find out that smart, highly functional adults can blithely ignore inefficiencies and outdated processes. It is common, so much more than you’d think, until you become aware of myriad ways attention gets hijacked by the way our brains work.

There are so many cognitive biases you are up against trying to get people to make changes that seem like straightforward common sense. As human beings:

• We have a strong tendency to focus on getting things done by completing things we’ve invested time and energy in.
• We maintain focus by favoring the immediate, relatable thing in front of us, and deferring to doing things the way we already know works.
• We notice details that confirm our own existing beliefs.

And that is just for starters. To learn more about the way unconscious cognitive biases affect behavior, you can find a beautifully organized, in-depth map of them here.

I will caution you ahead of time to not use your extraordinary recall to tell people the bias they are suffering from at any given moment, because it will not win you any friends.

I think there are two courses of action here. The first is to learn the basics of emotional intelligence, which I guarantee will serve you well for the rest of your life. The second is to create a plan to apply what you have learned to the situation you are currently in.

The resource to start with to learn more about Emotional Intelligence is Daniel Goleman’s seminal book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ. Goleman’s research outlines exactly why you have received the feedback you have—it is because high IQ and a practically perfect memory will get you so far and no further. His framework makes good sense, as there are skills you need to build your own EIQ that first involve increasing self-awareness and learning how to regulate oneself, then building awareness of others, and then getting better at moderating your own behavior to effectively communicate with people. This is the primer to start with—don’t let the fact that it was published in 2005 deter you.

Once you have laid the groundwork, you will be ready for the advanced course. There are so many great books on influencing others, but my favorites come from Craig Weber. Craig’s approach zeroes in on how to get better at engaging people in conversation by being curious about what they are thinking and then sharing your own thoughts in a way that others will be open to. His methods work for people who struggle with a lack of confidence and shyness as well as people who suffer from alienating others by being the smartest person in the room. His first book will help you to have better conversations, and his second will help you to influence people.

In the end, Smarty Pants, no one is so smart that they are going to accomplish great things by themselves. Not even you. It just doesn’t work that way. But for someone as smart as you are, who can engage the brilliance of others as well, the possibilities are infinite. You won’t be called “the kid” forever—time will take care of that. And as you practice your new skills, people will stop finding you annoying and calling you a know-it-all.

I have heard it said that navigating humans isn’t rocket science and I agree, because it is actually much harder. Humans should only be as straightforward as math and physics. But there are some rules you can learn that will make navigating them more manageable.

Your towering intelligence is a great gift, and, like all gifts, it is a double-edged sword. And you are experiencing its shadow side. I am confident that if you apply your smarts to expanding your awareness of yourself and others, and learn new skills, there will be no stopping you.

Good luck!

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I think I know the answer to this, but I thought I would just check my thinking. I work in the arts and have been an assistant to many executive directors. My experience is that once people get into that job they never leave, even when they should.

I have been in my current position for a long time, and I have been promised that I will be offered the executive director role in about eighteen months. In the meantime, I have been interviewing for other opportunities and was just offered an executive director position at another institution.

I would prefer to stay where I am. I love the people where I work and am familiar with the requirements of the institution. Moving to a new place would involve a steep learning curve, but it would also be an opportunity for a fresh start.

What do you think?

Torn

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Dear Torn,

I think you know the answer. Every single person who just read your letter knows the answer.

• Because you know that an actual job offer and signed contract is different from a promise of something in “about eighteen months.”
• Because anything could happen, and promises are broken a schmillion times a day. Your current executive director could decide to delay retirement. The board could decide to open a search for a candidate. The job could go to the daughter of the institution’s biggest donor.
• Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

It’s just easier for other people to see the answer because they have no emotional attachment.

Go be an executive director, and enjoy the learning curve. It will serve to make you better at the job.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was made supervisor for a team at a software company about six months ago. I like the job and the people on my team, and I’m slowly figuring out how to be a decent manager. I feel lucky that I was moved to a different team so I don’t have to manage my former peers.

I have become friendly with the other supervisors—we meet to discuss priorities, stay on top of changes, and share tips. I started meeting with one of them for an occasional beer after work. At first, everything was great. But now that we’ve grown closer, they spend all of our time together gossiping about the other supervisors and trashing the people on their team.

This person talks endlessly about how stupid, lazy, and disrespectful people are. I feel like I am there just to listen to them complain. I want to talk about travel, books, movies, or fun things we have planned for the weekend.

I listen and try to empathize, but they show no interest in helping anyone or in hearing my thoughts. They are so snarky, I am afraid if I cut them off they will spread nasty rumors about me. I can’t remember what personal things I have shared—nothing terrible, but who knows what they might say?

How do I get out of this relationship without setting them off and potentially causing real damage?

Stuck with a Loser

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Dear Stuck with a Loser,

Oh dear, this is a tough one. I am sorry. It is hard when people start out great and end up showing their true colors once the hooks are in. I am always fascinated by people who do nothing but trash others and then wonder why they have no friends at work.

Part of me wants to encourage you to reflect this person’s awfulness back to them and try to get them to see that their perception of people is part of the problem. But honestly, that kind of a hard conversation would be one you make the effort to have with people you love and have a commitment to.

Your only other option is to get away from this person as quickly as you can.

You might start by inviting as many people as will come to join you after work so there is a group you can slowly fade out of. If that doesn’t work, make something up. Am I suggesting you lie? Indeed I am. I suppose some might judge me, but I am nothing if not practical. Find a (fictional) new hobby or volunteer job that requires your attention after work. Every night. Or invent a cousin with a family emergency who needs you to babysit every evening for the foreseeable future. If you can’t stand to lie, or are too worried you might get busted, maybe find a real activity—hiking, yoga, taking a side gig as a personal shopper, or committing to writing a novel. Anything that the person won’t be interested in so they won’t ask to join you. Anything that will be more pleasant than spending time with them.

Of course, you could tell the truth—that you feel like all they do is complain and talk smack about people and you can’t spend time with them anymore. I know that might feel risky, but here’s the thing: if they are saying horrible things about everyone else in their work orbit, they are probably already trashing you when you aren’t around. There is an excellent chance everybody else has this person’s number and doesn’t listen to a word they say.

You don’t owe them another moment of your time—or, frankly, the truth. Just get away from them and try not to worry. Stay focused on doing a good job with your team and cultivating relationships with people who share your values. You are only as stuck as you let yourself be.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Hello Madeleine,

I have read your articles, and I wanted to reach out to you.

I have an equal business partner with whom I have successfully run a restaurant for six years. While I have 30 years of experience in the industry, my business partner had no previous knowledge about restaurant operations. I have used my expertise to elevate our restaurant to a high level.

The reason I am contacting you is to seek advice on how to end this partnership. I would like to either buy him out or have him buy me out. I have made this offer to him but he has not accepted either option.

My desire to end the partnership stems from his wealthy background, which has led him to expect me to work harder to generate more profit for him. He frequently complains about the restaurant’s profits, yet contributes nothing to its success. He has a dominant personality that can sometimes be narcissistic, and he often threatens to dissolve the company. He also brings up the need for expensive lawyers to discuss potential agreements, but my goal is simply to have him leave or to receive compensation so I can move on.

I hope to get your guidance on how to make the best decision in this situation.

Aggrieved Partner

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Dear Aggrieved Partner,

I am sorry for your tribulations. This is a tough one. I wish I could wave a magic wand, send you back six years, and have the two of you map out clear agreements about not only what each person would be expected to contribute to the partnership but also how to manage an exit plan.

Since we can’t go back in time, you are stuck with a situation in which you are dealing with uncomfortable conflict and could potentially lose a lot. What agreements did you sign when you first conceived the idea of a partnership? Might you have something in writing? It seems like you brought the experience and the sweat equity while he provided the seed money. How have you been sharing whatever profit gets generated? You say he threatens to dissolve the company—do you have any ownership stake or power at all?

First things first. You must figure out what matters most to you. Is it winning? Is it punishing your partner for being such a jerk? Or is it more important to get out of this partnership with your sanity and reputation intact, or maybe just find a way to reduce your stress? Once you work this out, you will have a clearer picture of how to proceed.

Here are some options for you to consider:

• Check the laws in your country about business ownership. Consult a lawyer of your own to see what rights you have based on whatever agreements do exist.
• There is something going on that the two of you are not talking about. It seems that your partner (term used loosely) is avoiding the topic of bringing the partnership to a close. Is he perhaps more attached to the business than you realize? There might be some emotional reason that he goes immediately on the defensive when you bring up the topic. The question to your partner might be: “It seems you are unhappy with my ability to generate profit, so I am curious as to why you seem unwilling to dissolve the partnership.”

The more you can communicate with each other, the more likely you will come to some resolution. For this to happen, I will draw your attention to your own grievances against your partner. I am not saying you are wrong about him, but I do think your harsh judgment of him—no doubt formed over years of experience—is almost certainly bleeding into the way you communicate with him. That can’t help matters. Try to remember the way you behaved with your partner when things were first starting and you held him in higher regard. Do your best to shelve your criticisms, well founded as they may be, and change the way you treat your partner. You may think you are good at hiding your opinions, but I guarantee he is feeling them. No one wants to negotiate with someone who hates them.

• It sounds like your partner is distracted and wishes to maintain status quo. If you are desperate enough to poke the bear, make it real to your partner. Prepare two options for him in writing:
  • First option: He sells you his share of the business for what you think it is worth based on the initial investment. Perhaps lay out a scenario in which you buy him out and pay him a set amount over time.
  • Second option: You offer to sell him your share of the business, outlining the value of your sweat equity and what you think that is worth.

Get a lawyer to help you prepare the documents so that they are properly constructed. Your partner might be impatient and annoyed enough to just move ahead and sign one option or the other. Until you do that, he probably won’t take you seriously.

• I hate to say this, but if you feel strongly enough about getting out, you may just have to walk away. Everybody in town is probably aware that you are the heart and soul of the restaurant and the one who has made it a thriving concern. There is a very good chance, based on your reputation, that you will find someone who is willing to invest in you again. If there are no legal documents spelling out the agreements, you might be able to find a way to generate a new opportunity for yourself and simply—leave. If there are no agreements in place, there is nothing any lawyer can do about it, no matter how well compensated they are.
• The last option I can think of is to find a way to focus on what is working. Park your judgment, let your partner’s behavior roll off your back, and enjoy the good thing you have created.

I am truly sorry, Aggrieved Partner, for your situation. Business partnerships are notoriously fraught under the best of circumstances. They are similar to marriages in that no one wants to consider that they might end, and very few prepare well for that possibility. This one is not unlike a marriage in which no pre-nuptial agreement was negotiated. I suspect you will never make that mistake again. I have seen people simply tolerate terrible partners because the pain and loss of dissolving the partnership (or marriage, for that matter) far outweighs the benefits in the long run.

Once you know what is most important to you, you will know what to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at a crossroads and don’t know which way to go. During Covid, I got a great idea and started a very cool online business. I did so well that a few people invested in my little company, and for a while it grew like gangbusters. I hired some people to help out and we’ve had a great team for a few years now. We have all made decent money and had a lot of fun.

Over the last year, it’s been hard to compete with all the new entrants into the same space—most have more investment funds than I do. I’ve been approached to sell to a competitor who talks a big game but really just wants me out of the way. If I sold, I would have enough cash to pay back the investors, call it a day, and move on. Alternatively, I could raise more money and try to compete by upgrading our technology, hiring more people, etc.

Over the last year, I’ve been stuck in front of my computer 18 hours a day because of this business. There are so many other things I want to do. I was able to prove my concept and keep myself entertained, but now I’ve really lost interest.

My problem is my employees. I really like all of them and worry that they will feel betrayed if I sell out and walk away. There is no guarantee that anyone I sell to will keep them on, and they are all perfectly capable of finding new jobs, but I don’t want them to hate me. I am starting to feel trapped.

I have made a pros and cons list and discussed this with my nearest and dearest, but can’t seem to make a decision. I am interested to hear what you might suggest.

At a Crossroads

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Dear At a Crossroads,

I deeply appreciate how much you care about your people, but let us remember that you started your business as something fun and interesting to do. It sounds like at no point did you think “I am going to start a business so I can provide employment to people for the rest of their lives.”

I learned something that has turned out to be true from reading The E Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber decades ago. He said there are three kinds of people who start businesses: the Entrepreneur, the Manager, and the Technician.

The Entrepreneur is the dreamer—the person who spots a need or opportunity in the marketplace and creates something new to fulfill that need. This sounds a lot like you. You created something cool, and are now ready to move on to other things.

The Manager is the person who craves order and is good at creating the systems and processes that will ensure seamless running of the business. They are good at spotting problems and solving them for good. These are the people who tend to buy franchises because they come with a proven concept and systems. Creativity is not required.

The Technician is the person who is very good at a technical skill or expert at delivering a specialized service. Think massage therapist or, as the example Gerber used in his book, someone who makes extraordinary pies.

To create a business that thrives long-term, the person who starts it needs to understand which of these is their type, and find partners or employees who are the other two types. Both Entrepreneurs and Technicians desperately need Managers because there will always be tension that needs to managed. It is extremely rare that a person who starts a business is equally gifted in all three of these required areas.

These distinctions have been extremely useful to me personally, helping me to see that I am a Technician with an entrepreneurial spirit. Essentially, I realized quickly that trying to remain a Manager in a business that is up and running is a terrible idea for me. So I have had a career of starting things (sometimes successfully, other times not so much) and then handing them over to Managers.

This is a lot of detail to explain that, if your entrepreneurial bent were strong enough to keep you interested in solving problems and truly scaling your business, it would make sense for you to stay with it. But it is eminently clear that you have already lost interest. And you have an opportunity to sell what you created to someone who is enough of a Manager to scale and compete.

It sounds like you have a deep core need for variety. Core needs must get met or they will wreak havoc on your life and your business. Why would you saddle yourself with something you are already bored with? In this case, it would be for sentimental reasons—to deliver on a promise that you never even made. That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster.

There are steps you can take to care for your people as best you can. The first step would be to have a chat with each of them, explain your reasoning, and listen to their thoughts. You can express your care and concerns while still sharing what is real for you.

You can, of course, do your best to encourage your buyer to hang on to as many current employees as possible, which I am sure you will do anyway.

Finally, you can put your money where your mouth is. You might consider sharing a portion of the sale price with your people so that they each have a little nest egg, or enough to tide them over until their next opportunity presents itself. Once you have paid off your investors, you can do the math and figure out what makes sense to share with your employees. I think this would demonstrate your commitment and go a long way toward mitigating the pain of the loss and change.

Nothing lasts forever, At a Crossroads. You must honor your own needs and your strong instinct that it is time to move on. You can do that while also respecting your people’s hard work, the fun you all had, and how fond you are of them. You can close this chapter of your life honorably and without regret.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Intern,

What do today’s interns want out of a summer internship? My company—like many others—hosts six to eight summer interns every year. I’ve been participating in the program for over fifteen years and during that time I’ve had one, two, or sometimes three interns working for several weeks in our marketing department. It’s been a good experience, and I think the interns have learned something along the way.

I’ve always tried to create an experience that does four things:

1. Provides each intern with a project they can call their own and refer to on their résumé
2. Gives them a chance to work together with other interns both in our department and across other departments
3. Introduces them to corporate culture through regular employee training or all-hands meetings, for example
4. Includes very proactive management, with high levels of direction and support from me as needed

I’ve received good feedback from the interns I’ve worked with using this approach, but I’m afraid I may be stuck with an old-fashioned sense of what an internship should look like. (Full disclosure: I’m in my early 60s.)

Could you give me some feedback on what interns are looking for these days? Where am I on track, and where do I possibly need some fresh thinking? I’d appreciate your viewpoint.

 Thanks,

Always Learning

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Dear Always Learning,

Thank you for reaching out! It’s amazing to see how much effort you put into the internship program in your marketing department. You clearly value your interns and the experience you want to create for them.

Centering interns’ experience around a project they can call their own is such a great way to get them involved and keep them motivated! Speaking from experience, I believe interns want something hands-on and fulfilling. For example, I love supporting other people, so Blanchard granted me a multitude of projects that allowed me to put my passion into practice. My only feedback for you would be to ensure each intern’s project caters to their specific professional journey. They are more likely to feel valued when their contributions are aligned with their strengths, goals, and interests. Interns are excited about and proud of their work!

You can also help your interns feel valued by seeking updates about their projects and asking how you can support them. And when they reach an obstacle (because that will happen), help support and problem-solve to get them back on track. Making them feel like an asset to the company is a great way to build up their confidence in a corporate setting and help them stay motivated.

If your interns are anything like me, they are likely worried about the next ten steps in their career. Interns want to help the company, but the experience they gain is also a driver. As you mentioned in your first point, the résumé they are trying to build is very important. An internship often is the first corporate experience someone will have. Helping your interns build their résumé with something they are enthusiastic about will improve their luck during future interviews—and increase the likelihood that they will want to continue working for your company!

I love how you encourage your interns to network and collaborate with one another! Frustration and confusion are part of the learning process, so letting them get acquainted is an amazing way to embed a support system within the company. Also, having them explore other departments is a great idea! Allowing them to see what their peers are doing and possibly assist them establishes those relationships and helps them adapt to the corporate setting.

Going off that, exposing interns to the corporate culture is such an important process. I’m glad you actively introduce them to it, because I think it’s often assumed that Gen Z is opposed to traditional corporate culture. While there are certainly aspects we seek to change, we also respect the systems in place and want to learn how to facilitate change from within them. Sometimes this means giving us opportunities to go all in! I would just make completely sure your interns feel supported during these new experiences. For instance, you might provide them with low-stakes opportunities to spend time with high performers in your department. Your interns might feel uncomfortable or nervous at first, but with your encouragement these kinds of meetings can be a great learning and networking opportunity for them!

High support and high guidance are so important! As interns (and people in general) are introduced to a brand-new set of tasks, they can sometimes get lost or discouraged. Providing guidance during this season is key for a productive environment and experience. It’s great if your interns are highly motivated, but it’s not a deal-breaker if they aren’t. A rough patch of confusion and low confidence is bound to happen, but usually people can work past it. Encouraging open communication without fear of punishment is crucial in this regard. How can someone help if they aren’t aware that something is wrong?

All this to say, I think your “old-fashioned” approach is still valid! If you want to level-up your internship program, my best advice would be to meet your interns where they are—from the beginning to the end of the program. Start by setting expectations about what the experience is going to be like, making sure to consider their personal strengths, goals, and interests. Wrap up the program by asking for candid feedback about their experience. These practices will ensure that your internship program is always evolving to meet the needs of the next round of interns!

It’s great that you and your company recognize the importance of the internship experience. The effort you are putting into the program is outstanding and sets a great example for your interns. Thank you again for reaching out and valuing their experience!

Best wishes,

Addison the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Addison Dixon, Producer Intern for Blanchard Institute.

Dear Madeleine,

About six months ago, I went above and beyond to help out a new colleague.  He had misread a deadline and needed to scramble to get a bunch of time-sensitive work done over a long weekend. 

I willingly jumped in to help him, finding documents, getting permission to give him access to materials, and bothering lots of different people over the weekend on his behalf.  He seemed to appreciate it, but never really went out of his way to thank me or anyone else who had put themselves out for him during this time. 

Something similar happened recently, over another long weekend. I got a call from him at 9PM on Friday night, but I was without my phone during that time and didn’t notice the call until Saturday morning. When I called him back he declined the call, but then sent me an email detailing all the things he needed me to do for him over the weekend.  None of it, let me be clear, was part of my job—and it again was an emergency for him.  I was annoyed, but politely replied that I was tied up for the whole weekend including Monday (which was true) and would not be able to help him. I did suggest a few others who might have some free time to be able to help.

Well. He sent me an email back that was just nasty and cc’d my boss and his boss. He said I was unreliable, not a team player, and made it sound like I had promised to help him and then flaked out, which is not true. I am stunned—and hopping mad. I have written several different replies that all sound whiny and defensive, but haven’t sent any. I just don’t know quite how to share what really happened here without making myself look worse than I already do.

Would appreciate your input on this.

Put Out and Defensive

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Dear Put Out and Defensive,

It is really smart not to send any emails written while you are hopping mad.  All I can think is that you somehow led this person to believe that you would always drop everything to help him. This is not your fault, per se, and people have created false expectations based on a lot less.

It seems like your colleague is disorganized or possibly overextended, and perhaps his stress just got the best of him.  Or he is a bully who knows how to target nice people, and you stood up to him.  Either way, the good news here is that he probably won’t prey on your goodwill again because, boy, did he burn that bridge.

Only you really know how to respond based on your own understanding of your company’s culture.  Is there an expectation (explicit or implicit) that everyone is always available even when they are officially “off”?  Even if that is true, these kinds of expectations usually apply only to team members who are on the hook for time-sensitive responses—and then, when they know they will be out of reach, they arrange for someone to cover for them. I don’t see how you could possibly manage the expectations of everyone in the company, other than putting something in your email signature line in advance and making it clear in your out-of-office response that you are not available.

I can say this: sitting far outside of your work environment, it sounds to me like your colleague was way out of line, and you owe him nothing. Not even a response.  The only thing to be done is to send an email to your boss and his boss explaining your side of the story.  Keep it brief, clear—and, to the extent possible, keep out the part about how personal it feels to you. Just the facts.

Hopefully, your boss knows you: that you are normally open to helping out when you can and that you are, in fact, a reliable team player. It seems clear that this colleague is the one who tries to make his own lack of planning an emergency for everyone else, even people whose jobs do not include helping him. If your boss doesn’t know you, it might be worth picking up the phone and having a conversation.

I suspect your colleague’s boss has seen other instances of irresponsible selfish behavior from him. It is almost certainly a pattern that has shown up elsewhere. Other than rationally setting the record straight, I don’t think there is much to do there.

Getting mad is appropriate, and you are smart enough to know that letting it show won’t be a good look.  Just stand up for yourself by sharing what happened, and then let it go.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of customer support specialists. The job requires in-depth knowledge of our products (outdoor/climbing gear, some of it very technical), so we have provided a lot of training and oversight.

In the past year we lost two of our best people, and the executive team refused to let me replace them. Things have gone okay since then; we have had to extend wait times for customers and haven’t received a ton of complaints—but now I am feeling the pinch.

Our company offers unlimited PTO and I have two employees who submitted their time-off request at around the same time. I know my team can barely cover when one person goes out on vacation, let alone two people. Normally I would just approve PTO for the first person who got their request in, but one of them is getting married and the other has a daughter who is getting married.

I just can’t say no, obviously. But the situation is not good: summer is our busiest season and I am really worried about how we are going to manage the volume. If one of my people gets sick, we will have a full emergency on our hands.

I just don’t see how this minimum staffing policy is sustainable. The whole thing is stressing me out. I am having nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing.

I like the company. I think our products are amazing, I love our people, and I’ve always loved my job. I get calls from headhunters all the time—which I have always politely declined—but now I’m feeling like maybe I should pay attention.

I know I need to convince the higher-ups that it would be in the best interests of the company to restore the original size of the team, but I am not sure how. I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Squeezed

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Dear Squeezed,

This sounds tough—and familiar. The days of do more with less are clearly here to stay. In your case, it sounds like it has passed that point and now you are expected to pull a rabbit out of a hat. And it is taking a very real toll. People (including you) need to take vacations and attend big family events.

I appreciate that you are eyeing potentially greener grass, but learning to how to make and argue a business case is a skill that will serve you well.

In my experience, executives tend to not be that receptive to emotional distress. But they do pay attention to math and to issues that threaten the brand’s reputation—essentially, anything that could affect revenue.

Start tracking the data on wait times and complaints. It might also be smart to check your reviews to see if comments about slow service are showing up or have significantly increased. You say you haven’t received “a ton” of complaints, which implies you are receiving more than usual. Do a little research. Find data about wait times for support and what people are willing to tolerate. How much is too much time?

If your brand promise is built on customer service, increased wait times will absolutely erode the company’s reputation. Do whatever you can to clearly show that reduced access to customer service will eventually hurt sales, if it hasn’t already. The key is to use facts and data to create a compelling narrative. Include charts and graphs to influence the visual executives.

When it is time to make your case, be ready to state your position: customer service is understaffed and it is hurting our business and our reputation. Then concisely share how you arrived at your position. Be prepared for questions and pushback. Know what is stated in the employee handbook regarding PTO and vacation time. Practice with a friend to ensure that you stick to the facts—and keep emotion out of it.

This might get you one more person.

It would also behoove you to brainstorm other ideas with your team for how to solve the problem, so that you can offer solutions other than increased headcount. Ideas might include:

• Cross-train others in the organization so that they can cover when your people are out on PTO.
• Train temps who are willing to come in on a substitute basis. Perhaps the people who left might be willing to fill in on occasion.
• Use technology (AI, increased information on the website) to help your team manage the load with fewer people.

I found a very interesting report on customer service that might expand your thinking about solutions. It wouldn’t hurt to sharpen your own expertise in order to be as informed as possible about what other companies are doing. The more you know and are able to demonstrate you have done your homework, the greater the chance your senior team will listen to you.

Most companies have been focused on reducing expenses and becoming as lean as humanly possible. It doesn’t occur to anyone that it all works fine until someone needs a day or a week off. There must be extra coverage to account for the fact that you (inconveniently) employ humans.

Try your hand at advocating for what you need to keep your part of the business running smoothly, Squeezed. Get as smart as you can about your business to see how you might get creative.

If you can’t make headway, maybe it would be smart to take some of those calls from headhunters. If you must leave the company to maintain your own sanity, your company will have no one to blame but themselves.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a rapidly growing not-for-profit. I put together a great board, our fundraising efforts paid off, and I have a great team.

In a recent chat, my head of accounting made a crack about needing to wait to share something with me because he wanted to catch me “in the right mood.” I called him and asked him to explain what he meant. He was kind of surprised I called him out on something he expected me not to notice, and was obviously afraid he had offended me. After several attempts, he finally spilled it. What he said really has me thinking.

The bottom line of his message was that I am really moody. No one on the team ever knows what state I will be in. They are always nervous I will be in “one of my moods,” and they know to watch for it and avoid me on those days.

I was shocked and offended, but I knew enough not to take it out on him. The truth is, I am moody. I have always been moody. I am super creative, I have a really high IQ, and it drives me nuts when I have to slow down or explain something more than once. I have very high highs and very low lows. I thought I was managing it so people didn’t notice, and it embarrasses me to admit this when it is so obvious now how wrong I was. I didn’t realize how much of an effect my moodiness has on my team. But now that I really look at it, I can see how it has impacted all of my personal relationships, not just work ones.

I know I need to do something about this. All my online results are trying to convince me that I have a personality disorder and need therapy and/or drugs, but that feels like overkill. I just don’t know what I can do on my own or where to start. I would appreciate your take on this.

Moody

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Dear Moody,

“The hardest thing about being a leader is that you have to behave yourself all day.”

Lee Cockerell, who was the executive vice president of operations for Walt Disney World^® Resort for ten years and who trained over 7000 leaders for Disney, said this when he spoke at one of our company events about a decade ago.

At the time, my husband and I caught each other’s eye across an auditorium of people because we had never heard that truth stated quite so succinctly. And because he was speaking to us.

This statement is true for every leader, but it is more of a challenge for people who are super intense, who think and move quickly, and who have more ideas than they know what to do with.

You have self-awareness, Moody, which is a critical important first step. In addition, you got the memo that your natural tendencies are impacting others in a way that is eroding your effectiveness, which is the important second step. So you can pat yourself on the back and give yourself a little credit.

The next step is to dig deep to find the motivation you need and to practice the self-regulation you need to change your behavior. You may be able to tap into the purpose that drove you to start a not-for-profit in the first place. Another possible angle is to decide once and for all that your job is to serve your people, not to serve yourself and your moods. You are a powerful person, Moody, and you have power as well. It is important to always remember that your job is to use your personal and position power for good.

Finally, you will need to address your moodiness. This is a two-pronged project. You will need to do two things:

1. Figure out what causes your mood swings to see if you can make some changes.
2. Find ways to manage your behavior when you are in the grips of a mood.

These are two different things and the distinction is important. Many people mix the two together, which is what causes confusion.

1. Reducing the wild swings

You can start this one on your own. If you can’t make headway, enlist the help of a professional. Start right now by noticing your mood patterns. What affects your mood? Things to examine:

• Lifestyle: There are so many lifestyle factors that can affect mood: Sleep, caffeine, exercise, meditation/yoga/prayer, diet, proper hydration. It is astonishing the extent to which blood sugar can affect mood, not to mention our ability to moderate our own impulses. So make sure you eat high-quality foods on a regular basis. Also, the effects of using alcohol and other substances can take a toll on mood. I know this is obvious, but what may not be so obvious is that it gets harder for the body to metabolize what are essentially neurotoxins as we age, and sometimes it takes a while for people to register that they can no longer get away with the same stuff they could in their youth.
• Fun: Are you having any? Are you doing enough of the things that bring you joy?
• Tolerations: Take stock of all the seemingly small things you are putting up with, such as: A light bulb in the fridge needs replacing, but you only remember when you open it and can’t find what you are looking for. There’s a re-occurring charge on your credit card for an app or service you thought you’d cancelled. The temperature regulation in your shower is wonky so you either get scalded or shocked, and the next available date the plumber can come is weeks away. None of these things are a big deal in the grand scheme, but boy, when they start to add up, it can really push you over the edge. Tolerations need to get handled by either delegating them or making the time yourself.
• Pay attention to what elicits a radical change in your mood. Once you have a sense of what throws you off, consider what you can change: what can you eliminate or delegate or avoid? How can you change the way you focus your time and attention?

2. Regulating your own behavior despite moods

• Protect yourself and others from your moods. If you are having a bad day, move meetings and do something that doesn’t require you to interact with others—admin work, research, writing, etc.
• If you get seriously triggered, go for a walk around the block and let yourself cool off.
• You can lose your mind and write whatever you want to express how you feel, or record on your phone whatever you want to say to someone you are annoyed with. But you can never send that email, text, or voicemail. JUST DON’T SEND. You can always revise when you feel more reasonable. You will never, ever regret something you didn’t say in the heat of the moment.

The skill to learn that will help you to both even out your moods and manage yourself when your mood goes dark is mindfulness. It is a big buzzword right now, and everyone has a book or class or program to sell you. Don’t let me keep you from educating yourself, but you can start practicing right now by simply noticing—paying attention—to your thoughts and feelings as they occur, with curiosity and without judging. This will build on your initial self-awareness and help you understand your own weather systems better. Keep notes on what you notice, what works, and what doesn’t.

Don’t try to do everything all at once; choose one thing to start with. Start small and don’t give up. If you can’t stick to it alone, this is a perfect thing to work on with a coach.

If you find that you can’t manage your moods with lifestyle changes, eliminating a lot of dumb stuff that sets you off, and finding more joy in your life, find a mental health professional to address underlying issues you may have. Any decent coach will know to refer you to a therapist if that is what is needed.

If not now, when? This isn’t something to leave for later. Your efforts will make a massive difference—to you, the people you work with, and the people you live with. And of course, to the success of your business.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work on a team that has had a lot of turnover in the last couple of years. Although our company is very big, over time I have learned who to call to get things done. I am now considered our team’s “answer lady.”

The situation has slowly morphed into people asking me to forward their email instead of taking the next step themselves. I now spend time taking care of a lot of tasks that aren’t mine. In addition, my boss has had a lot going on in her personal life, so I frequently fill in for her.

I recently realized a lot of small things have added up to me doing so much more than I think is fair, and I am starting to get annoyed. How do I push back when my co-workers try to fob their work off on me? And how do I tell my boss I can’t fill in as much as she’d like? I have my own personal life to attend to, after all.

Answer Lady 

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Dear Answer Lady,

How do you push back? How do you tell your boss enough is enough?

Directly, clearly, and kindly, but firmly. That’s how.

You are training your co-workers to believe you will take care of things they don’t know how (or want) to do. You are training your boss to believe you can do your job and hers, too. So cut it out.

I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming you—I’m not. This happens to most people whose first impulse is to be helpful until they realize they have created a problem for themselves. The problem is if you send the message that it is okay for someone to do something, they will keep doing it for as long as you allow it. So you must stop allowing it.

This might be uncomfortable and challenging at first because you have to set new expectations and retrain people, which will be inconvenient for them. You may even find that some folks get upset—but remember, the only people who get upset with you for setting boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them. If you shy away from conflict, which I suspect is the case, this will certainly be unpleasant. But a moment of unpleasantness in exchange for not being annoyed all the time is worth it.

Next time a co-worker assumes you will take the next steps, clearly state who they should speak with and ask them to let you know how things work out. Do not volunteer to take over, forward an email, or get involved. Just stop taking on other people’s work.

As for your boss, I think it is fair for you to have a conversation with her. You can share that you wanted to help out because you know she has been having a rough time, but your workload is becoming unmanageable. Be prepared with a list of what you think makes sense for you to continue to do on her behalf until things settle down for her, and a list of activities you feel are way beyond your job scope.

This is, of course, unless you want to ask for a promotion and a raise. If you think it makes sense, you can certainly prepare to do that. You might want to rehearse with a friend how to frame your request so that you have a clean, concise approach. Something along the lines of “I understand you need coverage, and I wonder if it would make sense for you to deputize me for the duration? It might mean changing my title and possibly a bump in pay.” Avoid complaining. Instead, point out the reality and share some proposed solutions. Be kind but clear. The more you can keep feelings and emotions out of it, the easier the conversation will be for both of you.

The beauty of putting some time into practicing setting boundaries is that people often will sense the shift in you and stop asking you to do things they shouldn’t ask you to do. I am not quite sure how this happens, but I have experienced it myself and seen it happen for countless clients. But it doesn’t always. You still need to be ready to draw a line in the sand.

Start today. Stand up for yourself before you get so annoyed you say something you regret. It’s much better to strike while the iron is cold and say what needs to be said before you get heated up.

There is helping out in a pinch, and then there is letting people take advantage of you—which will continue to happen until you put up the hand.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I had a big job and got a lot of manager training early in my working life. Then a series of events (I had a child with special needs, then another one, parents needing care, husband making enough to sustain the family) conspired to make me leave the workforce for about a decade.

I recently took what I intended to be a sales associate job in a large retail store. I wanted something that wouldn’t be too taxing and would bring in a little extra cash while my kids were in school. I was quickly promoted to a manager position.

I enjoy the work. It is low stress in that I don’t take work home with me. My problem is this: there is a rotating cast of characters in hourly positions who all report to me. The store offers a lot of flexibility, so we attract college kids on their summer break, young moms, retirees, etc. I have regular one-on-one meetings with each of them.

I have found the more I listen to people (something I am good at), the more they will talk. They tell me so much more than I need to hear. People call me at all hours to ask for advice, update me on a situation, or sometimes share good news.

My husband teases me and calls me the Doctor (based on Lucy in the Charlie Brown comics) and rolls his eyes at the number of calls and texts that come in my off hours.

I love these people, but I feel like they are eating at my life and I don’t know how to stop them. I don’t really even want to stop it, so much as control it. I’d appreciate your thoughts on this.

The Doctor Is In

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear The Doctor Is In,

I understand your frustration. As problems go, this is a good one. Having listening as a superpower is indeed a gift—but like most gifts, it can be a double-edged sword. This means your gift has a dark side and you have found it.

When I was training to become a coach and developing my own listening skills, I experienced the exact same thing. The more we listen, the more people talk. It is so rare to find someone who really listens—without interrupting, hijacking the conversation, making it about themselves, or outlining a solution—that once the floodgates open, it can be hard to close them. You have inadvertently stumbled over a universal law: the more you listen with empathy and compassion, the more people will talk.

I know the Doctor thing is a joke—but the fact is, you have been placing yourself in service to others. To be heard and listened to is extremely healing. It is no accident that millions of people make a profession of listening.

The question: how to control it.

The answer: ground rules and boundaries.

You are a manager, so it is fair to set the expectation that all conversations between you and your direct reports have a time limit and should revolve around work. Keep your questions focused on the job and the work environment and keep any curiosity you may have about the person’s life in check. Topics could revolve around these themes:

• Do people have what they need to do the job?
• How is their schedule working; do they need to make changes?
• Is there anything you can do to make their time at work more engaging or pleasant?

When issues begin to stray, gently redirect back to work topics.

It may be tricky to curtail your entanglement with people you already have a relatively personal relationship with, so focus first on new employees and getting the newest manager/employee relationships off on the right foot. Set your ground rules as expectations in the beginning when you explain what a 1×1 is. It will probably feel weird to you because you’ll have some habits to break, but a little discipline will go a long way.

Setting boundaries may take some practice. In your case, though, it is surprisingly simple. You took the job specifically because you wanted to leave work at work and spend your personal time doing other things (in your case, taking care of your family). I think it is supremely reasonable to reply to anyone from work who contacts you off hours with a polite and firm text message such as: “I am at home focused on my family right now, and look forward to speaking with you tomorrow when we are at work.”

For the people who are used to having after-hours access to you, it may help to speak to them about the impending change. For new people, you will set the expectation up front. For more on boundaries, I am a fan of the work of Dr. Henry Cloud.

It might be useful to think about what core need you are getting met that has gotten you into this pickle. Allowing your needs to drive your behavior isn’t a bad thing, until it starts interfering with how you function or how you want to design your life. The key is to find a way to get needs met that doesn’t cost you more than you want to pay. In your case, it is probably a deep need for connection and/or to help others. This is a classic psychological driver—and, as many people in the helping professions will tell you, the need for help out there is infinite. So if you don’t manage your own needs and set boundaries for how much you are willing and able to give, people will take and take until there is nothing left of you.

You have a big and loving heart, Doctor. The world could use a lot more people like you. Only you can take the required steps to treat that heart with the respect and care it deserves. That way you can keep on giving and still have enough left for yourself and your family for the rest of your life.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the COO for a medium sized, mostly US-based specialty product business. Our CEO was always the idea guy and I was execution. Our business used to be straightforward, but we recently expanded with services and a couple of storefronts—against my recommendation.

Our CEO is a visionary and expects his executive team to figure things out. I thought we might be okay until I realized our CFO and the person who leads our IT department are completely in over their heads. The CFO has no experience at all with the complexities of offering services, how to get people paid, etc., and our technology guy keeps suggesting new software platforms, none of which seem to work with one another. We are spending more money than we anticipated. I feel like we are in a free fall, but my CEO has no interest in details.

I am at my wits’ end. I can’t possibly solve all our problems by myself. We had a perfectly good business, and I am furious with my CEO for blowing it all up. I told him making these big moves before we had some infrastructure in place was going to be a train wreck, but he becomes less reasonable by the day.

Part of me just wants to throw my hands up and walk away. I would lose equity but the way things are going, it will be a share of not much. The CEO and I were friends but the friendship seems to have gone down the tubes. I’m just not sure any of this can be salvaged. Thoughts?

Free Fall

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Free Fall,

Well, you won’t be the first person in history to not be able to stop someone from making colossal mistakes only to end up holding the bag, and you won’t be the last. I am so, so sorry.

I think you already know what you are going to do, Free Fall. What you read next will only confirm it.

There are a few separate issues here. I will list them out and I don’t claim to have the priorities in the right order. Some of these things are more fixable than others.

1. Your people do not have the skill sets required to lead the new parts of the business. (This can be fixed. Not as quickly as you’d like, but still.)
2. There was not enough time spent planning and getting the right resources in place to pull off these big plans. (This is blood under the bridge—you can’t change the past.)
3.  Your CEO seems to have abdicated all responsibility, possibly after having lost his mind. (I suspect this is not something you can influence, since you have already tried.)
4. The relationship between the two of you seems to be damaged beyond repair (unless, over time, you decide to let bygones be bygones).
5. It sounds like you have a very lean operation with no other executives to support you. (It is hard to tell from your letter. If there are, in fact, some competent folks who can help, now is the time to call on them.)
6. Your anger and frustration are clouding your ability to think straight. (This you have control over. The sooner you get hold of yourself, the better.)

Does that sound right?

I think your first job is to find a way to calm down so that you can make your first big decision: Is this worth fighting for or not? Whatever you normally do to calm yourself down will work: meditation, prayer, exercise, listening to opera. Turn off your phone. Take a night off and calm yourself down. Get a decent night’s sleep. Then if, as you have expressed, you are truly on your own here, ask yourself whether you have it in you to tackle this situation and get it turned around. If the answer is a hard no, there you have it.

If you do think you might have it in you, decide exactly what you are willing to do and for how long. The length of time matters; otherwise you will be stuck seeing the whole mess through to either success or failure, and who knows how long that will take. You’ll want to be at your best, and if you are overcome by your anger and frustration, you will need to find a way to park that or let it go.

Accepting the stark reality of the situation is the only way you will see what needs to be done. I am not saying your CEO isn’t to blame for your pain and suffering—I am saying putting a lot of energy into placing blame is not a good use of your time.

You might consider getting your CEO to agree, in writing, to a hefty bonus if you are able to turn things around. That might help you find the motivation to save the day.

Let’s say you put a stake in the ground and decide “Okay, I am going to give this my all for three months.” Then make a list of everything that needs doing. You are smart enough to know most of what needs to be done even if you don’t know how to do it. These things might include:

• Get help: call on a friend or mentor with business savvy for advice.
• Hire someone who knows what they are doing, or at the very least a consultant who can work on a contract basis.
• Make a plan of what to do and in what order.
• Delay anything that can be delayed.
• Tackle the big problems first and knock them down, one by one.

If this all makes you feel the kind of despair that makes you want to go to bed for the rest of your life, again you have your answer: either this has gone too far to fix or you just don’t care anymore.

Once you get all the emotion out of the way, it will be much easier to see the full reality and assess your willingness and ability to rise to the challenge.

At this point you are either thinking “I can do this” or “Run, don’t walk away from this mess.”

I wish you clarity, and the courage of your convictions.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was let go from my last job due to a massive reorganization. I didn’t like it, but my entire department was eliminated so I didn’t take it personally. I got a new job soon afterward and I like the job and the company a lot.

I have been in my new position for more than a year and have recently started to hear rumors about restructuring. I have a growing anxiety about losing my job again. This is not reasonable because I feel pretty secure here, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I don’t normally experience a lot of anxiety. It’s very unpleasant and I would love to know how to stop feeling this way. Any thoughts on this would be helpful.

Obsessing

______________________________________________________________

Dear Obsessing,

Anxiety is indeed unpleasant; I am sorry you are grappling with it. I do have thoughts, but before I share them, a caveat: I am not a trained mental health professional. I am only a coach with some tried and true principles and some lived experience. Therefore, it is my duty to advise you to consult a therapist if none of my ideas are useful and your anxiety continues to worsen. The only reason I’m not suggesting you immediately consult a therapist is because you don’t historically struggle with anxiety and you haven’t mentioned that it is getting in the way of your doing a good job. Anxiety is not a pattern for you, and it is not yet keeping you from functioning.

Now, to the promised thoughts.

Anxiety, at least a little, can be useful. The key is to leverage anxiety to fuel success—to run it. And not let it run you.

I have two categories of tips to share with you. One of them is neuroscience research so that you can understand what anxiety is and learn to befriend it. The other is standard career-building wisdom, or ways you can use anxiety as fuel.

Here is what we know about how our brains work. The brain is a prediction machine and its job is to keep us alive. When hard or challenging things happen, the details get encoded into our brains as known threats. The part of the brain where threats are recorded (the limbic system) cannot tell time; therefore, it makes no distinction between the past and the present. And it is emphatically not known for being reasonable. It is kind of like a big, dumb gorilla who is assigned to be your bodyguard and can’t tell a real threat from something that looks a lot like a threat but isn’t. To your gorilla guardian, the idea of restructuring equals “I am going to lose my job, starve to death, and die alone in the street.” It isn’t his fault; it is simply what he knows based on experience and watching the news (and, in my case, reading way too many novels). So he needs to be told to calm down and chill out.

The way to get the reasonable part of your brain to manage the gorilla is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can be defined as noticing and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings with curiosity and without judgment. It is a skill and does take practice, but you don’t have to even be good at it for it to make a difference. When you notice feelings of anxiety cropping up, you can say to yourself, “Wow, isn’t that interesting, here is that anxiety again. I wonder what that might be about? Maybe it has something to do with the word restructuring. Hmm. Or not. I wonder what it’s about? Might I be anxious about something else?” And so on. Essentially, you can talk yourself off the ledge and get yourself back on an even keel.

Another technique is to indulge your anxiety and do what I call “worst case scenario” thinking. That goes something like this: “Oh, here comes that anxiety again. Arg. Gosh, it feels gross. I think I might be feeling anxious because there is talk of restructuring—and the last time that happened, I lost my job. So there is a chance, even though I don’t think it will happen, that I could lose this job. So, okay. What if I were to lose this job? Would that be the end of the world? No. I have proven to myself that I am perfectly capable of getting another job—in fact, I could even get a better job than this one.”

The bottom line is that you probably are not going to end up living in your car. And the reasonable part of your brain knows that.

One certain way to focus your brain away from the perceived threat is to focus it toward things you can do to ensure that you remain valuable to your current organization. This is where you can apply standard career-building practices. You might ask yourself:

• Am I crystal clear about what my boss’s goals are? Do I know what matters most to them? Do I prioritize my work according to those goals and priorities?
• Do the people I work with see me as reliable? Relatable? Caring? Engaged? Consistent? Responsible? If not, where might I put some attention to change any impressions that might be hurting me?
• Am I as helpful to my teammates and the people our department serves as I could be? Do people see me as someone who goes the extra mile with a good attitude?
• Do I go out of my way to volunteer for extra events the organization sponsors?
• How might I exceed performance expectations? Can I get ahead of deadlines? Can I improve the quality of my work? Is there a way to influence my peers so that we improve the outcomes expected of us?
• Do I take the initiative? When I need help solving a problem, do I have some solutions to propose? Do I see opportunities for our department to provide even more value than we already do?
• Are there any new skills I might learn, or any that could be sharpened, that would make me even better at my job? How might I learn a new skill or upgrade one I already have?

People who think this way are the least likely to end up on the cut list when reductions need to be made. And I hate to tell you this, but most successful people are partially driven to excel and achieve by the terror of being judged and found wanting. It is the double-edged sword of anxiety: a little can be a huge contributor to performance; too much will prevent us from doing anything at all.

For goodness sake, please don’t attempt all of these, or at least not all at once. If one of these ideas jumped out at you as a no-brainer, try that one first. At worst, it will keep your mind busy with something positive and give you less time to ruminate on negative possibilities.

Have cozy chats with the sweet-but-not-very-bright gorilla who has your best interests at heart and tell him to take a nap. Try worst-case scenario thinking. Seek ways to make yourself irreplaceable to your team and your boss. Focus on what’s working well and make it work even better.

And breathe. Two counts in, four counts out. Ten times in a row. Five times a day.

You are going to be okay, Obsessing. Regardless of what happens.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a marketing director for a medical devices company. I manage all our social media and speaking engagements, which involves a lot of details and spreadsheets with tasks and tracking results. Part of my job is to conduct interviews with experts and write them up for our website, and to write articles that make the latest research accessible and engaging to our audience of doctors and nurse practioners, as well as the patients who (hopefully) need what we make.

My problem is that I block out time to write, and it always seems to get overridden by crises of the day, emergency team meetings, the limited time of the doctors I need to interview—you name it. Something always seems to get in the way. Am I just making excuses? I have tried blocking time on weekends, which works, but then I feel resentful that I am sacrificing my very limited personal time. I am behind on my writing commitments and can never seem to get caught up. I haven’t been dinged on my performance (yet), but that is only because my manager has also done a lot of writing and is sympathetic.

How does anyone manage a huge job and focus on writing projects? I worry that I have become a professional procrastinator. Any ideas here?

In Procrastinating Hell

__________________________________________________________

Dear In Procrastinating Hell,

Oh, do I ever have some ideas—because I have lived in that hell for a very long time, and so has every writer I know. Anyone whose job involves writing has to make their peace with how they make time for it. Even successful novelists have to spend part of their workdays managing administration, requests for manuscript reviews and quotes, editing finished work, etc.

I wish I had a magic wand for you, but there isn’t one. The only way, which you clearly know, is to block time. The thing you haven’t figured out is how to protect that time as if your life depends on it. I am going to share an idea that you are not going to like. I didn’t like it when I first stumbled over it (in a blog about how hard it is to get writing done as part of a full-time job that involves a million other tasks), and I still don’t.

But I can guarantee that it works.

I call it the early bird method. I deploy it when I have a critical writing deadline that I am not making progress with. Here it is:

Set the alarm for 5 AM. Do not hit snooze. Get your coffee or matcha, be at your desk at 5:15, and write from 5:15 to 6:15 AM. <Groan>

You resent giving up your personal time, which is fair, so if you want to try this, you might be able to make the case with your sympathetic manager to end your workday an hour earlier. The beauty of the early bird method is how unlikely it is that anyone will try to schedule over that time frame.

You might hate that idea so much it is an automatic no for you. You might be such a night owl that it is simply not in the cards. In that case, consider writing from 8 PM to 9 PM four nights a week. Hate that just as much? Your allergic reaction (if you are having one) to both options may provide the grit you need to aggressively guard your writing time on your regular workday calendar. If the word aggressive seems too strong, well, that might be part of the issue. It takes nerves of steel to protect your own time to focus on what is important. It is a sign of taking ownership.

Might I submit that one of the reasons you are susceptible to being pushed off course by the myriad crises du jour is that you are terrified of what I think of as the “tyranny of the blinking cursor.” This makes you normal. Writing is scary. Writing is hard. And writing, like anything else worth mastering, seems to just get harder because the better you get at it, the more you realize how much better you could be. Writing requires 100% of your focus. There is zero possibility of multi-tasking, and every interruption takes a minimum of five precious minutes of recovery.

Let’s talk about procrastination. There is compelling research from Dr. Sirois, a professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield, that proposes when we procrastinate it isn’t because we are lazy, it is because we seek to avoid negative moods around a task. So, think about it. You feel pressured (because who doesn’t?), worried about job security, nervous about your writing ability and God only knows what else. So what is needed to overcome the tendency to put off what is hard is self-compassion. Take a little walk and admit to yourself all the unpleasant emotions you have connected to writing and talk yourself off the ledge by acknowledging them, reminding yourself that all those emotions are normal, totally okay, and nobody dies trying to get writing assignments done. The upshot is that you must get better at being kind to yourself. Becoming a dependable writer is a bit of a spiritual development program, too! Unexpected bonus! The unpleasant feelings are real. One writer I work with recently admitted that the blank page gets her into such a state she sometimes takes a Xanax when she must start something brand new. I submit that idea might not be sustainable but, in a pinch, hey, I’m not judging. The point is that you must find a way to calm yourself down; intense exercise, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, singing along with Broadway shows at the top of your lungs, putting on Uptown Funk and dancing like a lunatic. Whatever it takes.

Finally, there are some little things you can do to help yourself before you sit down to write:

1. Capture ideas as you go about in meeting mode, all the stuff you do that might accommodate multi-tasking. Keep your notes app open or keep a legal pad at your side and create mind maps for each writing project as you lead up to butt-in-seat writing time. Entire outlines can come to you in the car or in the shower—don’t let those go to waste!

2. Interview yourself out loud while recording yourself on your phone. Pretend you are the interviewer who asks questions like:

• What is the big idea for the piece?
• What makes it important?
• Who needs to know this big idea?
• How would you explain it to a six-year-old?
• What is most surprising about this idea?
• What evidence can you share that supports this big idea?
• Is there a story you can share that will help others relate to it or apply it?

3. Some writers I have worked with have had some success creating small rituals to get them into writing mode; e.g., cleaning off the desk, getting tea, lighting a candle, counting your breaths. Whatever works to get you settled down and into the zone.

4. Find a dedicated writing spot. I worked with one manager who had an open-door policy and could not bring himself to turn down anyone who needed his help, so he ended up escaping to the back stairwell of his office building when he needed to write. The sheer physical discomfort helped him get the job done in record time! Some people find it much easier to focus when the silence isn’t deafening, when they must use part of their brain to tune out ambient noise. You can find them all at your local Starbucks.

5. Go for a walk. All the research shows that getting outside and walking literally doubles our creativity. It is rare to see such a startlingly clear effect in scientific research. So if all else fails, go out for a walk, take your phone (on DND), and record your genius.

Ultimately, however, there is no getting around the unpleasant fact that you must schedule and defend writing time. If you are succumbing to pressure to relinquish it, it might be due to your own unwillingness to face unpleasant emotions. Tell yourself the truth and forgive yourself. Get up early, work late at night, resort to weekends—if you can’t get it done during the regular workday, it is up to you.

Every single person who writes knows how hard it is. Experiment with some of these ideas, and, most importantly, don’t give up.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in fashion manufacturing. I was promoted about six months ago. I manage the supply chain, timelines for delivery of goods, etc. I have a huge team and work all hours because I am in western Europe and my teams are in China, Mexico, and Vietnam.

When I took the job, things were a bit of a mess, and I am very pleased to have turned things around. I instituted new software and updated processes. We have worked through the kinks and things are humming along nicely.

My boss seems pleased with my work but told me the executive team is seeking more innovation in my area.

I have asked for more detail because I am stumped. I thought the place for innovation was in the design of the product, not in the execution required to get it to market. Taking the job felt like a big risk for me, and I am more confident now that I have had success. But my sense is that innovating requires taking risks—and there is no tolerance for errors that might impede our ability to deliver on orders.

I have zero confidence in my ability to innovate in this job. My boss is not offering any insight into what “more innovation” might mean for my group. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions.

Any ideas?

Zero Ideas

_________________________________________________________

Dear Zero Ideas,

You might be suffering from a language dilemma—because the crazy thing, ZI, is that it sounds like what you just did was innovate, and in a big way. You see yourself as someone who spots what isn’t working and does what needs to be done to make it work. A problem solver, perhaps. It probably didn’t occur to you that everything you did to fix the mess (trying new ways and working through the kinks) was, technically, innovating.

I would submit that the executive team sees you as an innovator because of what you just accomplished, and they are asking for more. So just for a moment, at least for the time you spend reading this, can you accept that you are already an innovator? It is a shift in your mindset that may require suspension of disbelief, but may be worth trying on.

Britney Cole, our vice president of innovation, has a lot of wisdom on this topic (you can read her most recent article here). She says the first step to innovation is to define it. Her definition: “Innovation is the discipline of applying ideas that solve problems in new ways to create value.”

Can’t you see yourself in that definition?

Another of Britney’s insights is that to be successful, innovation efforts need to have two specific things in place:

1. A person who is dedicated to continual improvement (you).
2. An innovation-friendly company culture.

As you seek to develop yourself as an innovator, you can rely on your natural talent for identifying problems and finding the best solutions. You can build on that talent by asking yourself these questions:

• What is working brilliantly (that might be applied elsewhere)?
• What pain points still exist in our business (that could stand improvement)?
• What new ideas have surfaced that might benefit from further inquiry (that perhaps we have discounted in the interest of efficiency)?

I suspect ideas will begin to pop immediately. For more guidance on what to keep in mind as you go, here is another article from Britney.

An additional suggestion, which I learned directly from Britney, is to apply the design thinking “How might we” approach to solving problems or making improvements. (Please forgive my total ignorance of your business, but I am going to make up a few examples based on your letter):

• Now that things are working well, how might we leverage technology to make them even more efficient?
• How might we minimize confusion caused by working across multiple time zones?
• How might we scale so that our business can grow more quickly?

It’s possible your organization may not be that friendly to innovation, so you may have to be a trailblazer to shift your culture. This might even be what the executive team is asking for. When senior leaders in companies want more innovation but have no idea how their culture actually discourages it, they tend to identify individual innovators and hope that they can help. It is a classic example of how lack of clarity at the top of an organization can show up; it is a bit of an “I’ll know it when I see it” attitude that is, frankly, irresponsible—especially since a culture of fear already exists that you will need to work against.

Here is an e-book about The Factors That Encourage and That Discourage Innovation in Organizations. This may help you identify the potential obstacles you could face from a systems standpoint as you seek to experiment.

It is totally fair that you require more detail, and you are probably right that asking more questions may help you get what you need. Your instinct to ask questions is right on the money. The key is to keep asking until you get the insight you need.

Here are some ideas. If none of these is quite right, I hope at least they will spark others that feel more useful.

• What will the executive team see or have if I innovate more?
• What results would make a difference to the organization?
• What is making the executive team most nervous about our business/ the marketplace/ the economy?
• What problems does the executive team see that innovation would solve?
• What is most important to the executive team, and is maybe not being addressed?
• Are there things our competitors are doing that we need to be doing?

And finally:

• If we rely on the above definition of innovation, how might our business add or create new value that would excite the executive team?

Your first step, ZI, is to shift your self-concept. That alone will increase your confidence. Continue to do the things you are good at: spotting problems and solving them. Keep asking questions. Go slow. Build plans and get feedback. Get buy-in every step of the way.

I suspect you will surprise yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team in a big company. Here is my problem. I start my day at 7 a.m. with a meeting, and then my entire day is back-to-back meetings. Almost every meeting generates work for me to do or to delegate to someone on my team—which requires another meeting.

When am I supposed to get all my work done? After ten hours of meetings, I feel like that’s when my real workday starts. But by then, I’m fried.

Thoughts?

Meeting-ed Out

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Meeting-ed Out,

This is a perennial problem for almost everyone. Unfortunately, substantially changing anything will probably require a shift in company culture. There has been so much written on this topic. You might think about collecting the facts and presenting them to HR to see if you can garner support for changing the collective habits in your company. If you are suffering, everyone else probably is, too.

But hey, trying to shift culture will result in—more meetings. Just what you don’t want or need. So what could you do short of that?

Some of what is required in your situation is a shift in mindset. Right now you are accepting any and all meetings. You might need to harness your courage and take control of your time. No one can do that for you. Here are some ideas that might work for you:

• Review your meetings and take a hard look at which ones are yours or your team’s. Those are the ones you have the most control over. Challenge yourself to see if any of them can be consolidated, shortened, or moved to bi-weekly.
• At the very least, you and your team could agree to implement “no-meeting Fridays.” We have implemented this in our organization, and it has made all the difference.
• Another thing you can do with your team is to make all meetings 30 minutes. It’s very easy to fill time, but there’s no law that says meetings need to last an hour.
• Patrick Lencioni wrote a great book called Death by Meeting. In it, he says there are four kinds of meetings: Daily check-in meetings, which should last 10 minutes max. Weekly tactical meetings: 45 to 90 minutes, max. Monthly strategic meetings: 2 to 4 hours. Quarterly off-site reviews: 1 to 2 days.

I’m not saying these rules are the only ones to follow, but at least Lencioni provides a framework that can show how some meetings are not necessary or could be better run.

• Look hard at all the meetings you are in. Do you really need to be in all of them? Can you send someone else on your team? If you are delegating, is it possible that the person you are delegating to should be in the meeting instead of you? If so, make sure they send you the bullet points about any decisions made in the meeting or actions to be taken as a result of the meeting. If you’re worried about perception of others, or being judged, share your reasons. You might start a trend.
• Request that any meeting you are invited to have an agenda sent out in advance. If there’s nothing on the agenda that requires your input, decline—and request that you be sent a transcript of the meeting.
• Block off focused work time on your calendar, and don’t accept meetings that are scheduled over that time period. You don’t have to explain to anyone (except your boss or their boss) why you aren’t available. If people really need you in a meeting, they will find a time that works for you. (Note: This may require some re-training of people who have become used to your being available all the time.)
• Finally, challenge yourself to use technology. Zoom now has a feature that can transcribe meetings. Almost all companies have technology you can use to have a quick chat, delegate tasks, etc. Not everything has to be a meeting.

This situation probably crept up on you over time. And it will take some time to unwind it. Be bold, be fierce, and be relentless, so you can get your brain and your life back.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is just awful. He is the son of a friend of the owner, and the owner has no idea how he treats people. Although he comes from a company in our industry, where he was the operations manager, he really doesn’t understand how different things are here.

I love my job. I have been doing it for over twenty years, and I am acknowledged by everyone in the company (except my boss) as knowledgeable and masterful. I have also won several awards from peers in my industry. I speak at conferences, am regularly asked to contribute to panels, and many people have sought me out as a mentor.

And yet my boss treats me like an idiot—and regularly calls me one. He frequently questions my decisions, even though he has no idea what he is talking about. It wouldn’t matter as much if his antics didn’t waste enormous amounts of my time.

Some of my work does require me to make educated guesses—we are in the fashion industry—so trend intel is helpful but really only gets us so far. So I have to rely on my intuition and experience. More often than not, I nail it, which is why I have my job. Very occasionally, I miss the mark.

When that happens, my boss quite literally crows about it to everyone, boasting that he knew it all along. (I am sure he would say “I told you so,” except that he has never accurately predicted failure.) He seems hell-bent on trying to ruin my reputation—and I believe he would succeed, if everyone in town didn’t know me well and also see him as a complete loser.

I have read many books on dealing with difficult people, managing conflict, and having difficult conversations. Essentially, I have tried everything to no effect. In fact, the harder I try, the worse he seems to get.

I fantasize about something bad happening to him, which is not at all like me. I have put a great deal of study and effort into evolving myself to be a spiritual person but this whole situation is testing me beyond my limits. I have to control myself not to obsess about him and not to spend every social interaction complaining to my friends.

This experience makes me feel hateful. It is casting a shadow on my entire life now. I am hoping you have some ideas for me.

Feeling Hateful

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Feeling Hateful,

I do have some ideas. But first let me share that you’re not alone: Here is a recent article reporting that a little over one-third of people say they work with a toxic boss. Respondents describe feeling dread about going to work, increased anxiety, recurrent nightmares, and the need to seek therapy as outcomes of having a toxic boss.

I can’t imagine how the knowledge that so many are suffering along with you will make you feel better, except to prove you are in good company. The term soul-crushing is no exaggeration, because, as you describe, feeling so disrespected can make a person feel that they are changing at their very core.

This is a classic situation where you have three choices.

1. Change yourself.
2. Change the situation.
3. Remove yourself from the situation.

So. You might as well take this opportunity to change yourself, no matter what else you choose to do. Since you have already done your homework about how to shift your communication style, the next step is to work on increasing your self-regulation. If there was ever a time to rise above and be the grownup, it is now.

You could practice distancing—a technique to reduce the emotional impact of events that generate outsized overwhelming feelings. To distance, relate the story of the latest outrage as if it happened to someone else. It might sound like this: “My friend Lucy has the worst boss; wait till you hear what he did. First, he called her at 11 PM, and then yelled at her the next day for not picking up. You know Lucy—she goes to bed at 10 and always puts her phone on silent. Then he dressed her down in front of her entire team. He literally called her a ‘moron’ and a ‘slacker,’ if you can believe it. Lucy! The hardest worker we know!” I know this sounds a little weird, but try it and see if it helps.

Another possibility is to look to your spiritual training and practice mindfulness, which means to observe your own thoughts and feelings with curiosity and without judgment. I might submit that some of your discomfort comes from your adding to the negative experience by piling on judgment of yourself about how defensive and irate it makes you feel. Instead of judging yourself for every hostile thought you have, just notice that you have a hostile thought. And let it just be. Let it not mean anything about you.

The hallmark of any sound spiritual practice is to treat every interaction with someone who makes you enraged as if the person is a spiritual teacher. You might ask yourself: What is there for me to learn here? How might this support my evolution as a spiritual person? I am laughing as I type this, because I know myself how devilishly difficult it is. When I try to do it, I mostly fail. But that doesn’t make it any less worthwhile. I mean, let’s face it, it’s easy to be our best selves when everything is going well. You know that’s true—and if you hate me right now, I can’t blame you.

Once you are feeling a little more self-control, here are a couple of other ideas.

Would it be too obvious to escalate the meanness and the demoralizing effect on you and your team to the owner? They obviously know your track record and must rely on the value you provide. Nobody wants to be accused of going over the boss’s head and being a tattle tale, but in this case, don’t you think the owner would want to know? You don’t mention anything about them, so maybe you already know they can’t be bothered—or they have made it clear that they would take his side no matter what. But it wouldn’t do at all if you finally decided to jump ship and the owner was surprised.

If bringing it to the owner’s attention is not an option, you might anonymously leave articles such as Leaders: This Is the Impact Trustworthiness Has on Your Success or The Five Biggest Red Flags of a Toxic Culture on your boss’s desk. There is no shortage of research on how terrible bosses are bad for the bottom line. You might just leave a new one every week or so, and see if it makes a dent. You never know when the penny might drop for your boss. If he is just a regular numb nut, he could come around. But if he is a power-hungry narcissist who is trying to make you quit so he can hire his girlfriend, you probably have no chance.

This leads us to your final option. You didn’t say you were thinking of quitting, but that is always an option. Some might encourage you to behave so badly that he has cause to fire you, but I think that is beneath you and so disingenuous as to be unsuited to who you strive to be. Not to mention the potential damage to your reputation, which will be important as you seek to create a new opportunity.

So there you have it, my friend. You either learn to let the nonsense roll off your back and play the long game while trying to influence subtly; try to get the owner’s support; or, if it seems like you have no other choice, be prepared to walk away and create the next chapter of your career.

I am awfully sorry for how upset you are. The problem with committing to your own spiritual growth is that tests are part of the program—although I’ll grant you that this one is a doozy. This one feels like a Master Class. But I suspect you are up to it.

Remember who you are.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I just read one of your past columns entitled Latest Team Member Causing Chaos? I recognized the person as what I call HOF—“Hair On Fire”—and we have someone like that at our company. I have been working here for 35 years. I now work directly with HOF herself, and I’ve begun looking for a new job. Your post resonated with me so much. I was stressed out last year and now again. She even pushed me into the hospital once.

I’m a scheduler, and HOF basically makes schedule changes for her benefit. Whatever suits her. Everything you mentioned is exactly how she behaves. I’m trying to think of anything I can do other than just saying “sure, no problem.” I just give her whatever she wants. That’s what everyone on the team does so they don’t have to deal with her ridiculousness. When HOF is away, things are quiet, organized, and well run, so we all know who the instigator is. The whole team agrees she is a psycho.

I really need some advice! HOF is making me crazy.

Firefighter

________________________________________________________

Dear Firefighter,

I’m sorry the stress caused by this person is making you ill. You aren’t the first to have to contend with an HOF (what I call a “crazymaker”), and you won’t be the last.

Julia Cameron, in her wonderful book The Artist’s Way, coined the term crazymaker. She defined the characteristics beautifully in one of her own blogs here.

I once ran a high performing team that was almost destroyed by a crazymaker. When I checked in with her leader, I found out she was wreaking havoc everywhere in the company. So I was lucky—she was let go, and we were all able to get on with our work.

I see two potential focus areas for you:

1. Find a way to let HOF’s behavior roll off your back and learn how to manage your own stress more effectively.
2. Find a way to band together your whole team to revolt and stop HOF from getting away with acting like a psycho.

Learning how to manage stress is a lifelong pursuit. It will probably serve you well regardless of what happens with HOF. I am not an expert on the topic, but there are countless resources available to you. Just ask Google.

The usual stress-reduction advice includes breathing techniques that stop the flow of adrenaline and activate the parasympathetic nervous system (this works—I know). Other typical suggestions are: getting exercise (especially outdoors if possible); hanging out with pets;, meditation; a mindfulness practice; prayer; getting proper sleep; working with a therapist; and, as a last resort, medication. Pick one or two to try, adopt the one that feels like it helps and, well, do it. If anything will help you avoid another trip to the hospital, it is worth committing to.

Also, as it happens, stress reduction methods include developing the ability to set appropriate boundaries with people and say no to inappropriate requests. It sounds like you and everyone else on your team of schedulers could use some help with that—unless, of course, you have somehow received a message from above that HOF must be accommodated at all costs. For more detail on setting boundaries, you can find a post on that here.

Sometimes a crazymaker is so successful at bringing in business, closing deals, retaining high-paying clients, and getting referrals, it’s clear that everyone should do everything they can to accommodate the person. This is often a tremendous source of frustration for those who support rock stars. However, I will also note that such stars often run out of goodwill and end up being only as good as their last deal. They have no friends to get them through the dry spells, and it rarely ends well.

Which brings us to your second avenue for action. My questions are:

• Where is your boss in all of this? Is anyone in management aware of the problem, and do they have the power, influence, or skills to escalate it to someone who can do something about it?
• How does HOF have so much power over a whole group? Is it real power or simply perceived?
• Is there a chance the whole team of schedulers might collectively refuse to work with HOF if she doesn’t comply with the norms everyone else seems to be able to live with?
• HOF is either aware and doesn’t care, or simply unaware. Can you tell which it is? If it turns out she is unaware, is it possible she might change her behavior if someone were to make her aware?

If, in your assessment, HOF is aware and doesn’t care, but adds so much value to the organization that no one is willing to call her on her misbehavior, finding a new job is probably your best bet.

Here is the thing. It is ultimately up to you to set appropriate boundaries. If you can convince your teammates to do the same thing, it might just work. Of course, I don’t know the details of your work, but it could sound something like this:

• “Your request to move those four appointments is going to cause chaos in the schedule. I understand you need to ask us to do it in this instance, but please try to avoid these kinds of shifts in the future.”
• “This request is not appropriate. It will cause a domino effect we can’t control. You will need to get my supervisor’s permission for that.”
• “We booked those appointments because your calendar was open. In the future, please keep in mind that if your calendar isn’t up to date, we won’t feel confident booking you and your bookings will decline.”

If you get better at setting boundaries, HOF’s next move will be to find someone else on the team who isn’t as good, and she will abuse that person until they quit or get sick. Or, ideally, they’ll follow your example and push back with kindness and respect.

Remember, the only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them.

One universal law to be aware of: if you don’t build your own skill for setting boundaries in your current situation, you will undoubtedly run into a different version of this problem in your next job.

So in the spirit of “nothing left to lose,” I suggest you try to:

1. Learn and commit to at least one stress-reduction technique.
2. Get help from above.
3. Agree as a team to just say no to the crazy.
4. Practice respectfully setting reasonable boundaries.

Crazymakers get away with their shenanigans because people let them. You can always hope and pray that they change (they won’t) or that you’ll never run into another one again (you will). Your life will be vastly improved if you learn to stand up for yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a large publishing company. I started here because my dream is to someday be a published author, so I thought I would at least be in the industry.

I have been here for four years. I started in marketing and am now an editorial assistant, which sounds a lot loftier than it is. I get a lot of coffee, manage schedules, and, very occasionally, read submissions.

Anytime I am asked to do anything remotely editorial, I end up doing it on my own time, because my boss—who is very erratic and disorganized—is constantly throwing tasks my way. I also get tasks from other editors who apparently don’t trust their own EA to do them correctly. My free time is when I work on my novel.

My boss recently asked me if I would be interested in managing all the editorial assistants. It sounds like I would still have my job as her editorial assistant, but would also oversee the nitty-gritty for all the others (there are six of us). Basically, none of the senior editors want to do the paperwork involved with annual reviews, vacation requests, or dealing with poor performance.

My boss is positioning this as a promotion. There would be a bump in pay, which would be welcome since the pay is barely adequate as it is (some EA’s work remote, but I am in NYC and the cost of living is absurd). However, the job would entail a lot of responsibility, which would make it almost impossible for me to do the work I want to be doing. Plus, all these people are my friends, and I would be taking the side of their boss in holding them accountable and giving them feedback.

I already know who the slackers are—the ones who duck work and slide by doing the bare minimum. What I really want is a promotion to full-time editor. I have never wanted to manage people; I can barely manage myself. I want more money, but this feels like I’m making a deal with the devil. Also, if I don’t take it, one of my peers will and then I would potentially report to someone I know way too well and don’t respect.

I am in such a muddle. I don’t want to sell out my dream. Can you help me with this?

Deal with the Devil?

___________________________________________________________

Dear Deal with the Devil,

Yes. I can.

I can tell you that you already know the answer. There is no muddle here. You see the whole landscape very clearly. The editors are trying to delegate work that is at best tedious, at worst emotionally draining.

Trying to manage your peers will be the exact nightmare you anticipate. You will be able to manage the poor shmo who eventually bites this fishhook. Just don’t let your lack of respect show.

If you need time to write, you must fight to protect it. You can live without expensive treats like Starbucks, but you can’t give up on your dream. Not yet, anyway.

There are not that many truths to live by. For example, when something seems too good to be true, it is. When people tell you who they are, listen. The one to apply in your case is when you suspect you are making a deal with the devil, you are.

Write.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I am an obsessive reader, so if you need readers, I promise I will read your novel.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a global team of extremely talented scientists. It is clear how the work we do benefits our organization. I got a new boss about nine months ago, and I’m pretty sure my unit was the only one that wasn’t a dumpster fire.

I have been left completely to my own devices. I don’t know if my boss even knows what my team does—and he hasn’t shown evidence that he cares. I was given my budget for 2024, which is fine since it is almost exactly what I had for 2023 and nothing is changing. All our goals are the same because they are all phased out over multiple years.

My annual review is coming up in a month. I want to prepare, but I have no idea what the boss is looking for or what he is going to want to know. I’m not sure how to operate in a vacuum like this. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Left Alone

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Left Alone,

In some ways, this is a best-case scenario. So many people wish they could just be trusted to do their jobs without constant interference. The downside to this situation would only become apparent if you needed resources you couldn’t get, or if you were hoping for recognition you might need to be considered for promotion. If neither of those two things is an issue, I would say no news is good news.

That being said, I think this moment might be an opportunity to:

1. Make sure your boss knows what you do and how critical your team’s work is to the business.
2. Reassure him that you have everything you need to continue your stellar performance.
3. Find out what else he wants to know.
4. Plant some seeds for future plans, if you have ideas.

You might consider writing an email or even creating a presentation that outlines what your team accomplished in 2023 and how those accomplishments contributed to the company’s strategic imperatives. Include answers to questions you think he might have. Then share your goals for 2024. It might also be a good idea to give your boss monthly updates on what has been accomplished, what obstacles you face, and what, if anything, you need from him.

In preparation for your review, send your boss a list of topics you think he might want to hear about from you and ask if it is accurate.

If you do all this, no one can accuse you of not keeping up your end of the manager/employee compact. And you might learn a little bit about how your boss thinks and what is important to him.

You don’t seem to require a ton of affirmation or acknowledgement, which means this kind of arrangement could go on indefinitely. So that’s good. But you don’t want to be surprised, either, so a bit of advance scouting to ascertain what is going on in your boss’s head wouldn’t hurt.

Happy New Year to you!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

The year 2023 will be remembered as a time of high managerial expectations from an in-demand workforce. Readers of Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager continued to adapt, grow, and improve their skills to bring out the best in others. Here is a list of this year’s top five most viewed columns. Madeleine will be back on January 6 with a new year of questions (possibly yours?) from well-meaning managers.

Trying to Stop Interrupting Others? Ask Madeleine

A reader asks Madeleine for help with a common problem in today’s fast-paced world—how to stop interrupting people. Madeleine shares four triggers that might be causing the problem, along with strategies for improvement. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/trying-to-stop-interrupting-others-ask-madeleine 

Not Sure How to Exceed Expectations with Your Boss? Ask Madeleine

A reader shares that in their last performance review they were asked to “find new ways to add value to the organization.”  The reader asks Madeleine for help decoding what that means—and how to address it. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-how-to-exceed-expectations-with-your-boss-ask-madeleine

Just Promoted—and Drowning? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine helps a recently promoted manager who is struggling with the demands of their new high-profile job. Madeleine shares that half the battle of being a senior leader is choosing what to pay attention to and what to ignore. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/just-promoted-and-drowning-ask-madeleine

Does Every Hire Need to Be a Rock Star? Ask Madeleine

A reader raises an interesting question about hiring for a position that requires someone to simply keep their head down and get the job done. Their boss is advocating for a young, ambitious candidate. The reader believes it makes more sense to hire someone who will not be disappointed with the lack of a career path. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/does-every-hire-need-to-be-a-rock-star-ask-madeleine 

Want to Be a Better Mentor? Ask Madeleine

In the most read column of the year, a reader asks Madeleine for advice on how to be a great mentor.  Madeleine shares a roadmap and strategies for the mentor-mentee relationship, and how mentors can know at the end that they have done a good job. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/want-to-be-a-better-mentor-ask-madeleine

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@blanchard.com. Please note: although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Best wishes for the New Year!

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior sales manager in a mid-sized company. I love the company, the work we do, and the people. I have been identified as a high potential. My team always hits goal, I get consistently excellent performance reviews, and I have every expectation that I will have a shot at chief revenue officer.

The company positions itself as family-friendly, which has been my experience. We all have a lot of flexibility. As long as people are available and the work gets done, nobody really cares about how. I have one child in preschool and am expecting another one. I am a fairly private person, so I didn’t share the news with anyone until it became obvious. The next thing I knew, a very senior woman in the company—a person I respect who has been a bit of a mentor to me and (not incidentally) who has a lot of influence—walked into my office and said, “I thought you were serious about your career.”

I was floored. What the heck? All I could think to say was, “Of course I am. What makes you think I’m not?” She expounded on how having one kid is fine, but having two means you will never be able to give the job everything you have. Then she said I was “signaling a lack of commitment” by having another kid!

I am so mad. I mean come on, are we still living in 1958? Many people on our executive team—all men— have multiple children. I really thought I had enough of a track record to be taken seriously despite my desire to have a family. I should note that this woman does not have children.

I find myself spiraling, constantly reliving the conversation and having pithy comebacks. I don’t know if others on the executive team have the same attitude. Now I am worried that I am sabotaging my career goals.

What should I do?

Angry and Worried

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Angry and Worried,

I am floored along with you. And I am sorry that someone you trusted thought that sharing their opinion at all, let alone in such a hurtful way, was a good idea.

What should you do? I have some thoughts.

First: Let. It. Go. You are obsessing, going in circles, and engaging in rumination. Rumination is defined by neuroscientists as “a form of perseverative cognition that focuses on negative content, generally past and present, and results in emotional distress.”  The more you do it, the more you create neural pathways in your brain that can become entrenched and self-perpetuating. I don’t think you need to worry about having a disorder—something was triggered in you, and you should be able to manage it. How to let it go? You can read more about rumination and how to stop it here. Most people I have worked with on this (including myself) have had success with a few different methods.

• Get a reality check. Talk to your boss—maybe even your boss’s boss. Check out the woman’s assumptions and assess the extent to which they might be shared by others. Take the opportunity to reiterate your commitment to the company, to the work, and to your own career advancement. Just doing this may very well put your mind at rest.
• Fight back. Meet with your HR business partner or even the CHRO if that makes sense. Get crystal clear about your rights. Share your experience and test out the possibility of lodging an official complaint against the woman for creating a hostile work environment. This may be going too far for you, and could impact you negatively if the woman has as much influence as you think—but you may get support from HR to keep this person’s assumptions from influencing others.
• Write a letter to the woman, including all of your pithy comebacks, that you don’t send. Take the time to write it all down and get it all out of your head. This should help you to stop going in circles. There is something about writing out your thoughts that can be incredibly therapeutic.
• Finally, remember who you are. One of my favorite quotes, attributed to multiple people, is “your opinion of me is none of my business.” Just because someone has an opinion about the ability of women to be both excellent parents and strong contributors at work doesn’t mean it is true. There are literally millions of examples that prove she is wrong. And you know yourself. You obviously believe you have what it takes.

You have allowed yourself to fall into the trap of taking something personally. It is totally normal—we all do it, and we are particularly susceptible when the offender is someone we respect. You must remember, however, that everything your former mentor said is 100% about her, and absolutely not about you. As a sales professional, I submit that you might simply turn this challenge into motivation to prove her wrong. I guess that might not be high quality motivation, but it sure works for a lot of people!

You’ve got this. Will it be easy? Probably not. Can everyone do it? Not everyone has the stamina, the ability to manage chaos, and the flexibility any woman needs to be a great mom while having a robust career. But I suspect you do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a call center that delivers customer service for highly technical products. I have been a supervisor for about six months. I have a great manager and a great team.

My problem is that I overcommit. I work much longer hours than I should. Everything I have read on the topic of managing tasks and time suggests I need to get better at saying no.

I am confused, because I have been told that one of the reasons I was promoted was because I am so helpful, jump in to fix things, and generally go the extra mile. I see it as a success strategy. I watch as some of my peers duck responsibility—one of them actually has acquired the nickname “Teflon” because nothing ever seems to end up on his desk. I don’t want that to be me.

How do I know when the extra mile is one mile too many? How do I know what to say no to?

Overcommitted

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Overcommitted,

I would bet that your manager is grateful for you. You make some excellent points—going above and beyond is indeed one of the habits that can ensure job security and career growth.

“Teflon’s” reputation is a cautionary tale you have taken to heart. At some point you will hit the wall and have to draw a line. You are clearly close enough to reaching your limit to be asking these very good questions.

You say your problem is that you overcommit. What does that mean? Do you take on work that should really be done by others? Do you end up doing things that aren’t your job, or that you aren’t good at, or that you hate? Is it that you are helping others, or is it that the task is critical and there isn’t anyone else to do it? Or is it really because you don’t know how to say no?

These distinctions are critical because if you are, in fact, being used by others, that cannot stand. Slackers have radar for people who will bail them out—so you must be clear about the criteria you use to decide whether you will cheerfully pitch in. If you do need to decline, you can practice simply saying that you have other plans or you are not available. If you are allowing others to take advantage of you, you will eventually come to resent it. You can try on a few ways to say no by practicing these statements out loud:

• I’ve made other plans; I’m so sorry I can’t help you out this time.
• I’m currently focused on completing a report and can’t commit to anything else right now.
• I think _______ (someone else) might be better qualified to assist you with that.
• I’m not available right now; I’m sorry I can’t help with that.
• I wish I could help, but unfortunately, my current workload doesn’t allow for additional tasks outside my responsibilities.

Getting comfortable with and being ready to decline something that isn’t your job (especially if it doesn’t sound like fun) will make it easier for you go the extra mile in ways that make sense.

When trying to make up your mind about what to say no to, it might be helpful to consider the criteria for what you say yes to. These include but are not limited to:

• Helping someone who is having a rough day, especially if you know they would do the same for you.
• Doing tasks that are interesting, that you will learn something from, or that are fun and easy for you.
• Jumping in to assist when it looks like your boss will end up holding the bag, and she is already overloaded.
• Volunteering for tasks that will enable you to meet other people in the organization and expand your network.

Using this kind of litmus test will ensure that you are investing your time and energy wisely, not just indiscriminately trying to please everyone.

If you find yourself unable to say no even when you want to, ask yourself what core need you are getting met by doing this. It might be that you need to be liked. Or you need to be the hero. Or you need to avoid conflict. If so, you will want to build your awareness of that need and find ways to get it met that won’t hurt you in the long run.

You say you work longer hours than you should. Who is the judge of that? The only rule around this is the one you make. The question is: what is the cost to you? If you have a lot of energy and don’t have a ton of commitments outside of work, maybe working long hours is appropriate for you right now. It probably won’t always be that way, but if isn’t hurting you I am not sure what the problem is. Are you disappointing family members or friends? Are you forgoing proper rest, exercise, or healthy meals? The key is to articulate your own standards for what you need to stay healthy, whole, and energized.

If others in your life are complaining about your work hours, find out what their complaint really means. Do they want to spend more time with you? If this is the case, ask yourself if you want to spend more time with them and make a choice. But if others are applying their rules to you, frankly, it is just an opinion—and most likely an unsolicited one. It is meaningless. Sometimes people who enjoy working a lot are threatening to people who don’t. I know one young woman who left a job because her boss said her work ethic was making the rest of the team feel bad! Just when I think nothing can surprise me, that sure did.

So who is the judge and what is the judgment based on? Answer that, and you will have your own rules for how much work is the right amount for you. Clarify your own standards. Define what you say yes to. Defend yourself against people who see you as a softy. Be your own judge and set your own rules.

Don’t worry, you will never be a “Teflon.” I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a financial analyst and have always been very good with numbers. I am young and this is my first job out of college. I was happy to get the job.

My problem is that my boss is just mean. If I can get through a week without crying, it feels like a miracle. I strive to do everything perfectly but she finds things to criticize no matter what. One day she is okay with the way I do something, and the next day she finds fault with it. I don’t make errors because I always review my work.

I can never really anticipate what she will pick on. The inconsistency is confusing, but it is the sense that she is committed to always finding something wrong that is demoralizing. I just can’t ever win.

I just hate the idea that I am flunking out of my very first job. With the job market the way it is, I don’t feel confident that I will ever be able to find something else. I feel like such a failure.

What advice do you have for me?

My Boss Is Just Mean

________________________________________________________________

Dear My Boss Is Just Mean,

I am sorry. This sounds hard. It is just true that some people think being a boss means catching people doing things wrong. All the time. Some have good intentions and actually believe that is the job—the constant critiques will make you better. And then there are some people who enjoy lording their power over others to make them feel cruddy and who relish the act of keeping people off kilter. I am not a big fan of speculating about the intentions of others, but in this case there might be some value in establishing what your boss’s intentions are.

Here are some questions:

• Are you sure there are no patterns to her feedback? Does she focus on content, or process, or style? There may be more method to her madness than you have been able to decipher. Since you are careful about errors, is it possible she prefers that you submit your work a certain way, or set up your formatting differently—and then maybe forgets or changes her mind?
• Is the criticism personal? Does she berate your competence? Call you names? Threaten your job? Or is the feedback always simply focused on the work itself?

I am trying to get at whether your boss is really mean or just flaky and clueless. That will help you to manage yourself around her, and to make a decision about what you are going to do about it.

In the meantime, let’s talk about you. Because here’s the thing—this isn’t the only terrible boss you will ever have. The opportunity in this situation is for you to develop a thicker skin, work on a practice of taking nothing personally, and learn to protect yourself from other people’s horribleness so you don’t end each day in a puddle of tears.

In the quest to develop a thicker skin, it can be helpful to remember that criticism is just information. If it is inconsistent and has no discernable patterns, in the end it is just noise. So, instead of seeking to avoid it, you can anticipate it and assign it no meaning. You can also ask questions. For example, if she approved of something last time, but today it isn’t working for her, you can ask what changed. You can try to get more detail on the criteria you should use to exercise your own judgment. You can even say something like: “I strive to make you happy, but I am finding it difficult to anticipate exactly what will do that. Perhaps there are some general guidelines I might need to follow so I can do a better job.” Keep track of what she says and refer back to it in the future. If she really is trying to make you crazy, you will know for sure.

Either way, remember that it is almost never about you. Which leads me to the practice of taking nothing personally.

In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Take whatever you can from any feedback (from anyone, not just Meany) and see what there is to learn from it—what glimmer there might be in it to increase your effectiveness as a colleague, to contribute, to achieve mastery. Everything else is just noise.

A useful technique when other people behave badly, especially when it is directed at you, is to practice compassion for the person. To wonder, “Huh, if she is that critical about me, I’ll bet she is that critical of herself. Wow, that must be hard.” I know, it’s a stretch. But it is worth a shot, and with a little practice you might get the hang of it and find yourself crying a lot less.

I spent two years being beaten up by people who, I found out later, saw trying to get consultants to quit as a competitive sport. Crying in the ladies room almost daily, but sticking with it, really did make me stronger. Some days you will be better at it than others. Think of the rest of your time with Meany as training to toughen up. It will serve you well for the rest of your working life. Try to get a bead on Meany’s intentions. If she really is out to get you, you probably should try to find another job. I know the job market is daunting, but there is always a job for someone who works hard and is competent. Just take your time, be persistent, and don’t give up. But if Meany is just kind of oblivious, you might be able to learn to be okay with it. Give her the benefit of the doubt, continue to do excellent work, and ride it out. Others are probably having the same experience, so chances are Meany will be promoted out of your area (yes, it happens, the senior executives in some organizations are so conflict-averse—I see it all the time) or fired.

 You can dig deep and find your courage. You can get stronger. Remember what you are good at, and the value you bring. Breathe. Cry when you must, laugh when you can. Keep showing up.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at a crossroads in my career. I am 63 years old and have held positions of plant manager and operations manager. I currently serve as director of operations at a company that offers overhead crane and hoist design, manufacturing, and maintenance services. My past has been challenging; I have reinvented myself a few times, turned a company around that was failing, etc.

My current situation is with a family-owned business where the entire family is employed. The owner is becoming less and less engaged and seems to be losing interest in day-to-day operations. When he does check in, his decisions are less than sound. His kids are in their thirties and do not yet seem to have the skills or experience needed to oversee and manage the company.

I have been invited to relocate from the midwestern US to Florida to run a fabricating company. However, due to the poor health of some people in charge of this potential opportunity, I have been told to sit tight until they are ready to decide. I don’t get many opportunities like this, and it seems ideal for my varied background and niche skill set.

My issue is that I am so driven, I feel I need to make something happen. I am a Christian and pray daily, and I know God has a plan for me.

I guess I am looking for your advice on the direction I should take. Is there something I can read, look up, sign up for, or attend to further my passion for my career?

Thank you for your time, Madeleine.

Impatient

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Impatient,

I think you have three choices here:

Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to hire an experienced and skilled CEO to guide the business into the future.

This choice would allow you to stay and continue to make a contribution without uprooting your whole life. You might even consider putting yourself up for the job of CEO. Although you may not feel that you have the requisite skills, many CEOs do come from operations. If you choose this path, you will want to be prepared with clear examples to support your assertion that none of the kids are ready to step into leading the company. I can’t imagine that the owner wants to see the whole enterprise crash and burn any more than you do. Only you can decide if you think you are signed up to lead at that level.

Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to appoint you as mentor/ advisor/ coach to the most competent of the family members in the next generation.

This choice holds some of the advantages of the first choice, but this one would allow you to avoid taking on all of the responsibility while still making a huge contribution guiding young people. For this one, you would need a clear description of the job, not to mention the buy-in from the second generation. They would have to not only be aware of their lack of readiness but also possess the humility to accept your influence. To be fair, this would be a rare and glorious exception, but, hey, it could happen. Of course, you would need to listen to your heart to know if being in service that way would suit your temperament. This, too, would be a form of leadership.

Take a deep breath and decide to wait for the folks in Florida to make a decision while you research other opportunities.

This may be the best option. It sounds as if you have already written off the owner and the kids in your current situation and are ready to jump ship. This choice would just require a little patience. Passion is a very useful quality until it causes us to jump the gun and make rash decisions. You would want to make sure that you are driving your passion instead of letting it drive you. It might be appropriate to check in with the Florida people to get a sense of their timeline—they can’t expect you to wait forever. In the meantime, you may not think there are many potential opportunities for someone with your background, but excellence in operations does translate well across industries, so there may be more than you think.

I can’t tell you what direction to take, but you mention that you have a relationship with God, so I encourage you to spend some time in prayer asking for input on this. My experience is that regardless of religious affiliation, when we ask for guidance, it is often offered. We aren’t always listening when the answers come, though, and we don’t always like the answers.

I hope that some of these ideas are useful, or, even better, that they spark a new idea or insight for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a team that provides services to the professionals in my company. In my last performance review, my boss told me I needed to find new ways to add value to the organization.

At first I thought, okay, I can do that. But then I realized I really have no idea what “adding value” really means.

My boss is extremely busy and rarely shares insights about the organization. I feel like I can’t come up with good ideas in a vacuum, but I am also trying to figure out how to exceed expectations for my next performance review.

What do you think my boss means by this? Where should I start?

No Clue

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear No Clue,

The tricky thing about trying to exceed expectations is that it often involves being able to read people’s minds. For many high performers, it can be hard to know how to do that without going out of your swim lane and potentially causing chaos.

I agree that it is hard to tell what “add value” means to your boss. And without some idea of what your actual job is, it is hard for me to provide ideas. But when has that ever stopped me?

The question is: how can you get clues that are not forthcoming from your boss? They will have to come from your own experience, your team, and the people you serve.

You don’t want to launch into action without clarity about what a good job would look like. So start with yourself. Ask yourself: “What ideas have I had about how we might be more useful to our stakeholders? What perpetual issues keep cropping up? What do people complain about around here that my team and I might be able to do something about?” You may be surprised by how many ideas come to you.

Then ask your team: “In the course of your work, what do people seem to need or want that is currently not on our radar screen?” As the people closest to your customer base, they probably hear things you may not.

Finally, you might think about creating a survey to send to the people who use your services. Ask questions about what you currently do to assess whether their expectations are being met. Ask what might improve their experience. Then ask what other services might be useful to them. Of course, you may hear suggestions that fall outside of your remit, but you might also get some ideas of how you might “add value” to them. Those you ask will at least get the impression that you care enough to ask them.

Take all of the ideas that make sense to you and that you think might be viable for your team, and share them with your busy manager. Maybe put them in order of priority of what is simplest to implement while providing the most value. What could you offer at the lowest cost for the highest worth? She hopefully will be attracted to one or two of them, and, even better, may provide some suggestions of her own. At the very least, she will know you heard what she said and you are acting on her vague request.

If the whole effort is way off base, with any luck she will redirect you and you will have a little more to go on. Either way, I don’t think you will feel like your efforts are wasted.

It seems to me that it would be your boss’s job to provide strategic direction for your team’s performance. There is a chance she is too far removed from what you do to have any good ideas. We can speculate but we have no way of knowing. You can show initiative by doing something.

It takes a certain kind of confidence to take initiative in the absence of any direction. It shows leadership qualities. You may very well have more intuitive awareness than you give yourself credit for, but have not given yourself permission to trust it.

Make your plan and execute it slowly, keeping your boss updated as you go. Take any and all feedback under advisement and revise your plan accordingly. Action begets action, and that is what creates momentum.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is the Chief Revenue Officer for a billion-dollar, publicly traded company, and I am watching her melt down in real time. She has been in the job for two years and has made one spectacularly bad decision after another.

Sales have tanked to an all-time low. I know for a fact that the earnings reporting is…not accurate. The stock price is slipping.

On Zoom calls she is manic, erratic, often making bizarre proclamations. I watch the faces of my peers and to a person the eyes are wide, lips tight. But no one is saying anything.

I can’t understand why our CEO, whom everyone acknowledges is a genius, put her in the job to begin with or has tolerated performance that has gone steadily downhill. It makes no sense.

Things have just gotten so weird; I don’t know who I can get a reality check with. It feels like I am losing my mind. I have been with the company a long time, and it has always been on a healthy upward trajectory. The CEO never would have tolerated such poor performance in the past.

I have a lot of stock options as part of my comp, and I am thinking now would be a good time to vest, with the stock price so low. I get calls from headhunters all the time, and I am beginning to think I should take them. I would feel bad abandoning my team, all of whom I love and care for. I am so conflicted.

Should I Bail?

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Should I Bail?

It sounds like a topsy-turvy world. I think when people start behaving strangely, especially when the CEO is asleep at the wheel—either actively ignoring an obvious problem or, as you imply, is somehow misrepresenting the numbers—you must assume something shady is going on. If no one is pointing out that the proverbial Empress Has No Clothes but you see it clearly, I would say you should trust your own judgment.

I can’t tell you to leave your job but I can ask you this: If your best friend told you all of what you have told me, and you trusted his judgment, what advice would you give him? If your immediate answer is “are you kidding, get the heck out of there!” —well, there is your answer.

There is no harm in taking the calls from recruiters, exploring your options, and getting a sense of what opportunities are available out there. You can brush off your resume and update your LinkedIn profile to be poised and ready to exit if your instincts prove correct. The only person who is going to care about your career and financial stability at this point is you, so preparing is smart. I applaud your concern about your team; it would be painful to feel like you are letting people down. If you do bail, you must trust that they will take your lead, start looking for options, and all land on their feet.

I often ask successful people what their biggest mistake was, and fascinatingly, almost to a person, it is a variation on “I didn’t pay attention to my gut and went along when I knew I shouldn’t.” You have been with the company for long enough that you can tell when you are seeing things that don’t add up. If you are not habitually negative and think something is going terribly wrong, then you are probably right.

Good luck to you.

Love,

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted and I am drowning. I am still supporting the person who took my former job while trying to get my head around my new job. My new team is huge, and I didn’t know any of them until I stepped into this job. I couldn’t get through my email if I spent ten hours a day trying. And that doesn’t include all of the stuff coming in on Slack.

My new boss has no time for me and clearly expects me to be able to hit the ground running, but I just can’t. I am supposed to get an assistant, but HR wants me to interview people, and I don’t have time. They have offered me a coach to help me—but again, I am supposed to talk to a few and choose one and I don’t have time for that.

My partner tells me I am headed toward burnout. I don’t think that is true. I’m not depressed or apathetic, just in way over my head. How can I get a grip? Any ideas you might have would be appreciated.

Need to Stabilize

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Need to Stabilize,

You have collapsed how you are feeling with reality. You are feeling like there is an emergency when there is no actual emergency. It sounds like you are in such a state of alarm you can’t think straight. And thinking straight is what you need to be able to do right now.

 So the first order of business is to turn off all of the noise and simply hear your own thoughts. Turn off Slack. Close your email. Turn your phone off. If you work in an office, go to another part of the building. A client I worked with once used to go to the stairwell. If you work from home, go to a coffee shop or a park. Step away from your normal environment and go someplace where no one can find you.

Put an out-of-office message on your email that indicates you will be focused elsewhere for the next 48 hours, and if the sender of an email deems it critical, they can resend in a few days.

Now write down everything you need to do—everything from the biggest, most complex things down to the smallest, and then prioritize it all.

Then delegate. Anything that someone else could conceivably do is to be done by someone else. Presumably the folks in HR are good at hiring, so tell them to choose the best candidate to be your assistant. Presumably the people offering you a coach have a pool of highly qualified coaches for you to choose from—and, honestly, any decent coach will be able to help you right now. There is zero research that supports the idea that anyone has an appreciably better coaching experience when they choose their own coach. Have the folks managing the coaching assign you a coach.

Do not spend a single minute doing anything that somebody else can do.

Tell your replacement that you need seven days to focus on your new job, and that they should collect their questions to bring to you then. They can text you if there is a potential train wreck about to happen.

Your boss expects you to hit the ground running? I love that expression because it sounds like something James Bond does when he drops out of a plane. It is not a real thing. But when your boss has no time for you, you can only assume you are on your own and you will have to use your best judgment. Draft an email to your boss outlining what you think is most important and what you plan to focus on for the next thirty days. They may ignore your email. Maybe they will respond with “OK fine, go go go,” or maybe they will suggest some changes. They may suggest (I have seen this before) that everything is a priority, which would be a cop out. If everything is a priority, nothing is a priority, so you will have to use your best judgment. Either way, you will have kept up your end of the implicit bargain by sending the email.

Getting to know your team is a priority. Once your new assistant is in place, have them set up 1×1’s with each of your new direct reports. Have them send you an email before their meeting in which they answer the following questions, (obviously you should edit these to suit you):

• What are the tasks and goals you are working on?
• What direction or support do you need from me on each of those tasks?
• What should you be doing that you are not doing and what is getting in the way?
• What is worrying you?
• What are you pleased about?
• What are your top strengths?
• What is your superpower?
• What do you want me to know about you?
• What do you want to know about me?
• What do you think I should know about your world, and about the team?

As you meet with each person, ask yourself what things are on your list that you might put on their list.  You will probably be able to find a few things. Will they do it the way you would do it? No. Will they do it as well? Probably not. But they might do it better—and either way, it will be done. Done is better than perfect, at least for now. You are never going to be able to do everything yourself, so you might as well start getting things done through others right now.

Finally, remember that you were promoted because someone thought you were competent enough to figure things out. And I suspect that you will be, once your brain is available for use.

So.

Nobody ever tells you that half the battle of senior leadership is choosing what to pay attention to and what to ignore. Stop. Breathe. Turn off the noise. Think. Breathe some more. Focus. Decide what you are going to do first, and what you will do in the next five days. Ignore everything else, for now.

You’ll feel much better.

“But what about the fallout if I make the wrong decisions?” you are asking. That may happen, but, well, then you’ll know, and you will learn from mistakes. I don’t know what your business is, but I am assuming that no bridges will fall down and no babies will die if you just take a step back.

Whatever ideas you have about how someone else would be doing way better in this situation are wrong. There is only you, right now, and it is up to you to take control.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior analyst at an insurance company. I want to start building my leadership influence.

I know my position is not at manager level yet, but I think leadership can happen at all levels. I am also very young compared to my colleagues who are at the same level in the company. I used to think influence meant popularity (e.g., numbers of likes and comments on my LinkedIn posts), but I am starting to feel that this is not true.

I read in a book that leadership influence means how many people would follow a leader and change their behaviors after interaction with the leader. Do you agree? Do you have any advice on how I can begin developing influence at my position?

Future Influencer

______________________________________________________

Dear Future Influencer,

This is a great question, and the topic could be a whole book. There are, in fact, plenty of books on the topic, most of which focus on communication skills. So I will try to hit some highlights, and maybe share a perspective you might not get elsewhere.

I agree that leadership can happen at all levels, starting with the self. I think the definition you share sounds right. Influence isn’t the same as popularity, and it is definitely not something that can be measured by interaction with others on social media.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary says influence is “the power to change or affect someone or something—especially the power to cause changes without directly forcing those changes to happen. Influence can also refer to a person or thing that affects someone or something in an important way.”

To boil it down, I think it means being able to get people to support you and your ideas or do stuff you need them to do, especially if it is inconvenient or isn’t really their job.

You might start by zooming in on three areas:

1. You: Who are you, and how do you add value to any situation? Get clarity on your own personality and core needs. Understanding others is much easier when you understand yourself because you can figure out how you are different from others, why it matters, and what you can do about it.

A great way to discover more about yourself is with our content on Essential Motivators. Watch this webinar to get going: Developing a Deeper Understanding of Yourself and Others. You will also want to understand what combination of traits, experience, and skills add up to being your superpowers. What are you naturally great at and what do you love to do that might be useful to others? You can use this knowledge to get involved with projects or committees in your organization that will help you find ways to contribute while vastly increasing your network.

2. Your Dreams: What do you dream of accomplishing (not job title or salary)? What kind of culture do you want to create around you? What kind of impact do you want to make in the world? What kinds of changes do you want to see in your industry? What is your vision for yourself, your team, your company? Do you know your values well enough to use them to make decisions? Do you have a personal mission?

All of these dimensions will help you begin to build a personal brand. All of these will provide you with a clear drive that people will recognize and be attracted to—because it is compelling to support others who are up to fun and interesting things. It’s great to be goal-oriented, but you want to aim for something more than just a title or salary band. As you aspire to leadership, ask yourself what will make you a leader others choose to follow.

3. Relationships: Connections on social media are rarely real relationships. Having a relationship with someone means that person knows who you are and will include you if they believe you have something useful to add to a project. You’ve heard the complaint about successful people, that “It is always who you know.” Well, it is true—maybe unfair, but true—because people can’t help you if they don’t know you. And they won’t know you unless you make sure they do.

The best way to increase the number of people you have relationships with is to create a Relationship Map:

• Identify the people you need to know—they might be senior to you, peers, or newbies. You never know what assistants might be able to help you if they feel inclined.
• Analyze each person. What are their goals? How might they benefit from knowing you?
• Make a plan to form a connection with each person. And I don’t mean on social media. If a person is very senior to you, maybe ask for a short meeting to interview them about their job—what they love about it, what skills it requires, what advice they have for you. People love to give advice!

If you find someone super interesting, ask them to mentor you. With others, try to find a common interest. This is where social media may come in handy. Talk about leadership books or baking. Get together for coffee or cocktails, or do something you both enjoy—hiking, taking your dogs to the dog park.

For more on this topic, you can find an articles on Relationship Mapping here and here.

You are well on your way, Future Influencer. The fact that you are reading books on leadership is already a great start. Warren Bennis wrote “Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It’s precisely that simple, and it’s also that difficult.” You might want to put his book On Becoming a Leader on your list.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am really worried that my company is going to replace my entire team of graphic artists with AI. What can I say to people who have spent decades to get really good at their craft only to see themselves replaced by technology?

I am literally losing sleep over this. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Losing Sleep

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Losing Sleep,

Boy, do I get it. I am old enough to remember seeing the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey in which the Heuristically Programmed Algorithmic computer (HAL) famously takes over the spaceship.  It made a huge impact on me.

Have you asked ChatGPT? I did, and the answer was pretty good! The first four suggestions were almost exactly what I might have proposed. What AI did not do is add the color commentary that I will.

1. Stay Informed – on this one, AI did not suggest, but I do, that you talk to your boss and listen to what is happening through the grapevine to gauge how realistic your concerns are. Are other jobs in the company being replaced by AI? Is there an overall intention and strategy to replace humans with AI? The more you know, the better you can prepare for what is coming.
2. Encourage Your People to Develop Their Skills – The people who can bring something to the table that AI cannot (yet) are the ones who will keep their jobs. With graphic design in particular, I would imagine that those individuals who can ask the right questions and hone in on exactly the feel that is desired will be irreplaceable. The ability to create fresh, new, and original work will be valued.
3. Foster Continuous Learning – Identify things that only humans can do and help people find ways to get better at them. Problem solving and devising new ways to express things will be in demand.
4. Cultivate a Practice of Flexibility and Adaptability – In our industry, we have often expressed the constant change people have to deal with as “the cheese has moved,” based on Spencer Johnson’s book Who Moved My Cheese. The pace of change has been a challenge for the last couple of decades, and it appears that it is only speeding up. Those who can find a way to build their resilience and roll with change will have a much higher quality of life. The question, of course, is how?

Neuroscience research shows that the brain is a predication machine and is much more comfortable with certainty. However, experience shows that nothing is ever certain, so we can predict all we want but we can’t ever be sure what is going to happen next. The best advice I ever heard on this topic came from Ben Zander, the co-author of The Art of Possibility.  Best known for being a charismatic and brilliant conductor, he is also a wonderful and very entertaining speaker. Ben suggested that instead of giving into our impulse to panic when the unexpected pops up, we should stop, take a breath, observe, and say to ourselves “how fascinating!” Essentially, he encourages us to be curious—to engage in whatever is happening with an attitude of inquiry.

So. Losing sleep is not going to help you now. Read up. Talk to people in your company. Listen to podcasts. Get informed. Get curious, stay curious, and encourage curiosity in your people. They are artists, so by definition they must be creative. You might lead with the question “What can we create in this new paradigm?”

I am going to try to follow this advice myself, believe me.  And I will admit the whole thing scares me too. I’ve spent the last twenty years getting better at writing only to find that nobody reads anymore. There are some who are concerned that my entire industry might be replaced by AI.

I really think the only way to deal with today’s world is to keep growing, learning, and changing ourselves. It isn’t comfortable for most of us, and it isn’t easy. As a leader, you can choose to be a role model for your people.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a manager for a couple of years. My company provided zero training. I kind of figured things out as I went along, and took a lot of online courses. I’m doing okay.

My issue is that there is just too much work. I’ve tried putting in ten-hour days, being super organized, using time management systems—you name it. But even when I work 55 to 60 hours a week I still can’t get it all done. My partner keeps telling me I’m going to burn out, but I don’t really feel that way. I love my job and am convinced there is a better way to get things done. I keep hearing that I need to work smarter, not harder, but I don’t really know what that means.

I am beginning to think there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m just not smart enough.

Any suggestions you have would be welcome.

Up Against the Clock

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Up Against the Clock,

There is nothing wrong with you.

You are smart enough.

There is just too much work.

And your partner is right. You are in danger of burning out.  In fact, I might suggest that your recent attack of self-doubt is an indication that burnout is already happening.

Humans are simply not built to sustain that much intensity 24/7/365. If you were saving orphans in a war zone, it might make sense, but even that would come to an end at some point. High intensity can work well for special projects—situations that have a beginning, middle, and end. But even CEOs and business owners have to find ways to take vacation and modulate intensity, and they are generally well compensated for their commitment. The situation you are describing sounds like a long, dark tunnel with no hope of light at the end of it.

You must take action. Now.

You have a few options.

1. Get help. I am not sure where your manager is in all of this, but if you have not escalated this situation to them already, now is the time. You can’t expect your manager to know you are overburdened unless you tell them. If they are available to you at all, ask for a 1:1 to go over everything on your plate and brainstorm how to get some of it off your plate. If they are not available to you, make a spreadsheet. List everything required of you, the time each thing takes, what you need to hand off to someone else, what you are going to do in 45 to 50 hours a week, and what you are not going to do. Then email it to your manager. If you can’t get support from your manager, you might think about escalating the situation to your manager’s boss or even HR.
2. Prioritize. Choose the deliverables that are going to make the least impact on your team and others and find a way to delegate them or just don’t do them. A client who had just completed an MBA from Harvard Business School once told me that one thing Harvard teaches in MBA programs is how to prioritize. The way they do it is by assigning so much work that it is almost impossible to do it all. The students who succeed figure out which assignments to invest their time in and which to coast on. This story may not be true, but it makes sense to me because no one can do everything that could be done, or even should be done. The dirty little secret of working smarter is that you decide what you’re not going to do or what you are going to do less well. You must choose what you will focus on and what you will not focus on.
3. Schedule and take a vacation. It sounds like you have climbed on a hamster wheel and you can’t get off. Impossible as it may seem, you must step away and get some perspective. And I don’t mean a long weekend. I mean at least one entire work week during which you totally unplug. If you can’t do it, that is an HR matter. Seriously. It means that the staffing and resourcing for your team is wrong.

You will notice I am not suggesting you delegate more, because every situation like yours I have ever seen suggests that you are either already doing that or you don’t have anyone to delegate to. If that is the case, you need more people. Fight for it.

This is a crossroads moment for you. And I know you know that, or you wouldn’t have written this letter. The only person who can put up the hand, stop the train, call a time out, and rebuild your work life so it makes sense is you. Your number one priority is personal sustainability so that you can continue to contribute to your organization, grow your career, and enjoy your life.

The moment is now.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been working for a company for a few years now. They moved to an Unlimited PTO policy just as I joined. It was heavily promoted in the recruiting stage.

Things went fine the first couple of years. I took the typical PTO breaks—December holiday time, a couple of days in the spring when my kids had a break, around 10 to 14 days in the summer—nothing that exceeded the number of vacation days I would have taken in the old model.

I work on a great team. We have always talked about time off and who would cover for the person who was out. We also have generally checked in and made ourselves available when we’ve been on PTO if there is potential for a problem. There has never been an issue.

 We got a new boss about a year ago. He is a stickler for clearing PTO, which is fine—except that whenever I put in for time off, he denies my request. This has happened a couple of times now.

He always has a different reason—the launch of a new project, heavy workloads, someone else had already requested that time (even though no one said they had). Everyone on our team has experienced this. It’s getting to the point that instead of asking, some colleagues are simply calling in sick when they need to be out.

This is stressing me out. My mother-in-law is planning a big family reunion late this summer, and my wife has made it clear that attending is not optional. But now I am afraid to even ask. Help!

Denied PTO

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Denied,

This sounds frustrating indeed. Some managers get very anxious at the prospect of a team member being out. If I have this right, it sounds like you would be asking for this time about two and a half months beforehand. It would be absurd for your boss to deny you.

So, I say, ask now. The longer you wait, the greater the risk of being denied. Make it clear that you need the time for a family event and that it will create a real problem if you don’t attend. Explain that the team has always been super cooperative when it comes to covering for each other when they take PTO, and that you will make sure to cover all contingencies before you go.

If that fails, the next step would be to have a conversation with your manager to understand the reasoning behind the denial. If he claims that somebody has already asked (unlikely), ask who it is, and maybe you can negotiate the dates with that person, if their plans aren’t set in stone.

If that gets you nowhere, it will be time to go to HR. The statistics show that employees tend to take less time under the new Unlimited PTO policies than they did under the old model that set the number of days off. The fact is that people need to take vacation. Not just taking time away from work but still checking in; I mean a real don’t-even-think-about-work vacation. Any decent HR group will know this and should offer proper guidance and support to your manager.

It is possible that your manager doesn’t understand the PTO policy or he worries that if his team appears to take too much time it will reflect badly on him. We can speculate all day long, but it would be up to the HR business partner to get to the root of your manager’s reluctance to let anyone take time off.

Based on what I have read, asking for time off with plenty of notice should work to get you the time you need. You can read here about your rights, but remember that every state and country has different laws.

Don’t let your previous experience delay your making the request. Ask now and get HR involved quickly if you are denied. Lean on the recruiting promises if you need to. If you get no joy, you might consider working for a company that sees their employees as human beings, not machines.

There are already enough reasons to get stressed out these days. Adding the potential wrath of your spouse and her family to it just makes no sense at all. If your company will not support your need to take care of yourself, find one that will.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

There is a woman on my team who is driving me crazy. I am on the young side and she is nearing the end of her career, but I don’t think it is just about generational differences. In fact, she drives everyone crazy.

She always thinks she knows best and assumes I know nothing. She explains things I already know—and at length. She corrects me when I am talking and is sometimes right, but more often she is not. She even corrects our boss in meetings, and he is very graceful. I really wish he would shut her down.

I find myself getting worked up about it, probably way more than I should. It is just so annoying.

What do you think I should do?

Perpetually Annoyed

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Perpetually Annoyed,

I think we can all agree that possibly the most common source of stress at work is interpersonal tension. I have some ideas for you, and you probably aren’t going to love them.

First, some don’ts:

• Don’t complain about this coworker to others on the team or in your company. That just makes you look like a complainer.
• Don’t be rude to her. Don’t even roll your eyes unless you are by yourself.

What you might do:

• Pay attention to the way your boss handles the situation. It sounds like he knows better than to “shut someone down” in front of the whole team. You have no way of knowing what he says to her in private. But, if he can be graceful, so can you.
• Interrupt long explanations that you don’t need by saying something like “May I stop you? Thanks, I have what I need right now, and I need to get to it.”
• When she corrects you, say “Thank you, I’ll have to look into that.”
• If you categorically disagree, simply say “Maybe you’re right.”

“Maybe you’re right” is one of those phrases that can get you out of any number of potentially ugly scrapes with people who are not interested in a discussion. I agree, this is not generational. It is really just a personality issue. It is a classic case of someone whose need to be right supersedes everything else.

We all have different core needs—to be liked, to be included, to be noticed, and to be right are a few examples. I would say the true value of this for you might be to examine your own needs and ask yourself if the way you try to get those needs met at work is making you successful or costing you relationships. If nothing else, the bothersome coworker is a perfect role model of how you don’t want to show up. Watch and learn.

You can be forgiven for fantasizing about stabbing her with a coffee stirrer. (I am doing that right now!) But you won’t actually do it. And you probably aren’t going to get her to change, either—not unless you respect and care about her enough to risk having a very hard conversation with her. It doesn’t sound like that is a likely scenario.

To sum it up: let it roll off your back. Breathe, smile, draw a boundary when you must, and let it go. It is an annoyance, not a real problem. You could certainly turn it into one, but I imagine you have much more important things to do with your time and attention.

Every time you get yourself worked up, remember that whatever you pay attention to will grow. So choose to pay attention to what matters most. I guarantee it isn’t your poor coworker’s lack of awareness.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in the communications media studio for a large company. I’m kind of entry level here, but I have a lot of experience directing video. I often end up working with very senior people to get short videos made for client work, proposals, stuff for the website, etc.

Many high level people who come in are—how do I say this?—terrible on camera. They don’t know what to wear, they are almost always unprepared, they haven’t read the script beforehand. Often they ask to use a teleprompter but don’t know how to use it, so it is obvious they are reading. If they choose not to use a teleprompter, we then get the dreaded “umm” which diminishes the authority of the speaker.

As a very junior person, how do I help these people help themselves? I’m not shy but I’m very aware that these people could get me fired if I cross the line.

Trying to Help

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Trying to Help,

Umm…

Just kidding, haha.

I can’t believe this is a new problem, so I would say your first stop to get help with this situation is your boss. There must be a precedent. In theory, when a video shoot is booked, people get a list of guidelines so they will be prepared. These should include ideas for what looks good on camera and what doesn’t. You might suggest to your boss that you invest in some clothing in a range of sizes so you have options for people who show up wearing something that doesn’t work.

If your experience is like that of many clients I work with, it’s possible that either your boss is AWOL or so many people have been laid off that these systems exist but no one is around to tell you. Find out. If you do have a functioning boss, they can give you some pointers on just how directive you can be with people. If you don’t, well, you are on your own.

 It sounds like it is your job to set people up to win and make the best possible video they can make. The thing you have going for you is that nobody wants to look bad on camera. Tell people that your job is to make them look and sound great—then ask them if they mind if you give them some pointers as you go.

Many senior leaders are overbooked, and lack of preparation is not unusual. It might help if you print out scripts so that people can read them out loud several times before trying to shoot. You can give them the script and say something like, “Why don’t you take a moment to read through this out loud while they are getting the lights right?” The more practice they get, the better they will sound.

Using a teleprompter is wildly unnatural and takes a lot of practice to get right. Here is a link to an article I found that makes a lot of sense. It offers good tips you can share with people who are struggling. I’ve found a good way to settle into using a teleprompter is to run through the whole thing five times really fast. Then try it normal speed. There is something about doing speed-throughs that gets the words settled in the brain—and then the speaker can just be themselves, use their hands, and sound relaxed.

Filler words are probably the most common issue for everyone. Filler words aren’t just limited to umm. They include “so,” “you know,” “like,” “and,” etc. Some folks get stuck on phrases especially during transitions, such as when moving to a new topic, and they have trouble with an abrupt ending. “It’s really interesting” is an example of this. For folks who use a lot of filler words, here are several tips to help eliminate them:

• Most people are not aware of their filler word habit. Tell your talent they are using too many filler words and their delivery will be stronger without them. You can let them know this is very common and can easily be fixed.
• Most people are terrified of pauses and silence, so let them know pauses can be edited out if need be. Let people know a little moment of silence is OK.
• Ask the person to raise their volume just a notch above normal. This tends to help people eliminate filler words.
• Allow for multiple takes, with several practice takes so people can raise their comfort level with what they are saying and how they want to say it.
• Encourage the speaker to breathe. Everybody must, and taking a quiet moment to breathe will help your speaker stay centered.

I think you might be overfocused on—or at least unnecessarily freaked out about—hierarchy. Yes, your customers here are extremely senior to you. But you still have a job to do, and it is to make them look and sound great in every video you are responsible for.

It might help to refocus on what your job is. Setting the stage at the beginning of a shoot and getting permission to offer direction and pointers will give you the leeway you need to help. Stay super positive—each time you need to stop and redo something, you can say “that was great, let’s try it a couple more times.” The more you make practice and repetition seem normal, the more normal it will feel. The more practice and repetition people get in a supportive environment, the better they will get. Only trained performers who have practiced and prepared get things on the first take. Set the expectation that great finished videos require lots of takes.

Worst case, you will have a cranky person who is too harried to care and will not allow you to give them the help they need. You do need to be sensitive to that and let the chips fall where they may. If people refuse help, it is on them if they show up badly in their videos.

It sounds like you have the best of intentions. Practice asking for permission and being concise with pointers. Don’t be shy about asking for several takes. Stay positive and point out what is going well. Your speakers will thank you. And those who don’t will have no one to blame but themselves.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

This isn’t really a work problem, it is a life problem caused by success at work. I am the CEO of a respected company and have been successful beyond my wildest dreams. I was the first in my family to go to college, let alone get an advanced degree. I am incredibly persistent and have worked hard—but, to be fair, I have also been lucky.

My problem is that my success is visible, so my family members and friends constantly ask for financial support. I am a single mother of two kids. I pay for their secondary schooling and am trying to save for them to go to university as well as for my retirement. I already contribute to the school fees of all my nieces and nephews and pay rent for some of my aunts and uncles. Once I have paid my own bills and all the others, there isn’t much left for savings.

People see that I drive a good car and have nice clothes and they think I am made of money. My own assistant recently asked me to help with her mother’s medical care. People always say they will pay me back, and we all act as if the money is a loan, but I can’t see how anyone will ever be able to pay me back.

I know that the things people ask me to help with are legitimate. It isn’t that I feel taken advantage of—it is simply more than I can pay. I recently made a loan by putting something on a credit card, so now I am paying interest on that loan and I just hate it. I am really struggling with saying no.

Victim of My Success

__________________________________________________________

Dear Victim of My Success,

This is such a classic conundrum. It makes it hard to enjoy your success when it puts you in such an uncomfortable position. I think you might be able to apply a couple of principles here that will help. You will have to gather your courage to be tough and firm, but it sounds like you are tired enough of the situation and are ready to do that. You aren’t going to like what I am going to say, but I am going to say it anyway.

Your suspicion that none of what you give away is truly a “loan” is dead right. Unless you have some kind of payment plan that you are willing to hold people to, you are really just giving money away. The way people who officially loan money (like banks or loan sharks) get unpaid loan money back most of the time is to seize assets or terrify people into compliance. Of course you are not going to do that.

So the first thing you need to do is change your language when you do offer help. Call it a gift. Then when people insist they will pay you back, you can say they are welcome to do that, but you don’t expect it. You never know, someone may repay your generosity when you need it most in the future. I call that pennies from heaven. But you must construct your financial life as if that will never happen. It takes a lot of pressure off the relationship. Everybody wins, you get your need to share and be generous met, and people get help when they need it.

Then, you need to clarify your own boundaries: how much money must you protect for yourself, your children, and the commitments you have already made? It is simply math. You know what comes in every month, and you know what goes out. With anything left over, you decide what goes into savings and what is left over to give away. You can literally build a giveaway fund—and when it is exhausted, that’s that. No more. The well is dry. Until you decide to replenish the fund.

And, unless you are committed to being in debt for anyone other than your children, such as to pay for education or co-sign a mortgage, I highly recommend that you first use the fund to pay off your credit card debt. I am no financial planner, but I know enough to know that credit card debt is brutal and is to be avoided at all costs.

This will be hard for you. You help people because their needs are legitimate, and you care for them. But legitimate need is infinite. It will never shrink. You will be on this vicious and exhausting cycle until you put a stop to it. No one can do it for you.

People will stop asking only when there is nothing—and I mean nothing—left to give. You really don’t want that. Sometimes people are victims of circumstances beyond their control. This is not the case for you.

You have choices here.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to a VP role in my company. It was a bit of a surprise as I thought my boss would never leave—but he did, quite suddenly. I have been in the role now for about five months.

My new boss keeps telling me I need to “get out of the weeds” and be more strategic. I have no idea what that means. I am still doing my old job while now also supervising the work of all my peers. I am at my wits’ end with the workload. The meetings alone are killing me.

My biggest issue is that I am most comfortable simply getting things done—making my list of tasks and systematically checking them off. I suspect that isn’t particularly strategic.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

How to Get Out of the Weeds

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear How to Get Out of the Weeds,

I can appreciate your overwhelm and confusion. The transition you are going through is one of the hardest, in my opinion, because everything you have done in the past that has made you successful is now getting in your way.

It is very common among people who are great at execution to be at sea with how abstract and unproductive “strategic” activity can feel. It is a shift in mindset that very few people recognize and even fewer are able explain or help with. It sounds like your boss might be one of those folks who expects you to just figure things out on your own.

I recommend a couple of do-nows—things you can do right now that will set you up for success in the near future.

• Identify someone in the organization that you respect and ask them to mentor you. Tell them you specifically need help to figure out how to be more strategic.
• Ask your boss what five things they need to see from you that will give them confidence that you can be more strategic and that you can do the job the way they want it done.
• Replace yourself: find someone who can do the job you were doing before. Either promote from within or request to hire from outside the organization. Nobody can be successful doing two full-time jobs.

Once you have done all of the above, or have them in process, you can turn your attention to what it means to be strategic.

This issue has come up so much with my coaching clients that I have developed a list of things a strategic leader does, gleaned from my experience and from reading books and articles. There are a million books on this topic and even more opinions, so remember this is just my take on it. Maybe use this list with your boss to see what they agree with and what they think might be missing or not quite right. That will at least get you two on the same page.

What does it mean to be a strategic leader?

See the big picture:

• Anticipate what is coming. Note and develop plans to navigate the unknown.
• Get the big ideas right.
• Stay aligned with reality while entertaining innovative ideas.
• Use big ideas to set direction while considering potential contingency plans.
• Craft the short-term and long-term objectives that will move people in the right direction.
• Communicate about objectives and direction clearly and repeatedly. Use storytelling and share inspiring wins widely.

Translate the abstract into the concrete:

• Help design tactics to achieve objectives, especially those that require cross-functional cooperation.
• Oversee implementation and execution of tactics—create dashboards of the most relevant data to create transparency, visibility, and accountability.
• Track analytics—interpret data to formulate meaning found in analysis.
• Refine big ideas, direction and objectives, and tactical approaches as activity surfaces new information.

See all, know all, intervene judiciously:

• Re-direct to maintain focus.
• Measure and evaluate performance.
• Track successes and breakdowns—help tackle hiccups in processes and systems.
• Support solving of complex entrenched problems.
• Make sure people feel noticed, seen, and heard.
• Keep your ear to the ground to get advance notice of potential problems and to surface time-wasters—policies that aren’t producing intended results. Anticipate.

Focus on the future:

• Create multiple paths for generating and testing ideas.
• Create an environment of learning and innovation.
• Develop opportunities for high potential performers.

Master political agility:

• Cultivate relationships incessantly.
• Challenge the status quo without provoking outrage.
• Be masterful at shuttle diplomacy—conducting negotiations, especially between parties at odds with each other, but also parties who can’t see how their goals can be aligned.

As you can see, a lot of these activities involve thinking or relationship building, which can feel like anything but work. And to be fair, it isn’t work as you have known it. But it is work—it is strategic work and someone needs to do it. You can expect this transition to take some time and a lot of getting used to. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself some grace. As long as your boss is getting what they need from you, you will be okay.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have had a long and varied experience in law. I started as a public prosecutor in corporate law and rose quickly to reporting to the General Counsel.

My current boss isn’t going anywhere for a long time, and I feel ready to go for a GC position myself. I put feelers out at the beginning of January. I believed taking that step would put a lot of things in motion—ready or not—based on my past experience. And that is exactly what has happened.

I have some really interesting interviews coming up for GC roles that present considerable gaps for me (regarding technical knowledge, not leadership). I am thinking about how to be transparent about strengths and weaknesses (i.e., opportunities to develop) without arguing against myself. I like being in a little bit over my head and figuring it out, but this would be the deepest water yet.

Any framing/grounding thoughts you can share as I expose myself for what might be next?

Ready to Take the Leap

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Ready to Take the Leap,

I am not a headhunter or a career expert, but I do have some thoughts based on working with clients who are always wrestling with getting hiring right. I think there might be some value to the perspective. I hope others with different expertise will add useful ideas in the comments, as well.

• Make sure you are interested and engaged in the company and the industry, and well versed in the challenges they face, so at the very least it’s clear that you’ve done your homework. The last time our board interviewed people for the CFO position, I was a little taken aback by how many final candidates did not bother to achieve even baseline knowledge of our industry.
• Study the CEO and ascertain what matters most to them. What is the vision, what are the values (if any), and how would you align with those in the job?
• You can’t pinpoint all the technical gaps you may have, because you won’t know what you don’t know until you get in there and roll your sleeves up. But maybe you can speak to one or two of them and make it clear you intend to close the gaps, should it come up. I think preparation to address concerns is your best bet on that.
• Clarify your top strengths for yourself. Based on your varied background, it sounds like you are a fast learner and have always depended on being able to figure things out. What else are you naturally gifted at, or what other skills have your developed along the way? Are you fast on your feet when decisions need to be made? Super calm in a crisis? A creative problem solver? Be prepared to share brief examples of how your strengths have been useful to your CEO or your team in the past.
• If a comprehensive job description exists—and I find that even in mature, well-run organizations that is not always the case, especially for the C-Suite level—be ready to address each expectation with how you will rise to it.
• Also be ready to emphasize any transferable experience and skills and how exactly you see them transferring to a different industry or company.

Finally, be prepared with questions that illustrate your curiosity about the business, the industry, and the culture. There is such a thing as a stupid question in this environment, so be sure not to ask something you could easily find answers to in the annual report. You might ask questions like:

• What do you think of as your “secret sauce”—the thing that differentiates your organization from (name a competitor)?
• Of all your strategic initiatives (extra points if you can name them), which is most critical right now?

Companies have two choices when hiring at the C level: either find someone who has already worked at that level (who usually demands a much higher salary) or take a risk with someone who is stepping up. There are advantages to each choice. The advantage of going with someone stepping up is more drive, hunger to prove themselves, willingness to try new things, and humility. You won’t be set in your ways, you will work hard to learn and find the best way. I would say given the kind of complexity any company is dealing with these days, that would be an asset. The more you can demonstrate those qualities—with, of course, the appropriate gravitas—the better off you will be.

Finally, preparation is your friend. Practice with a friend, mentor, or partner and give them some classic behavioral interviewing questions so you can respond with well thought through, succinct answers. Here are some behavioral interviewing questions you can use to get started:

• Describe a situation in which there was a lot of disagreement and you needed to influence your leadership team to consider the option you were proposing more closely.
• Discuss how you have dealt with a tight deadline that required you and your team to go above and beyond the usual.
• What is the worst mistake you have made, and how did you deal with the consequences?

You can ask our friend Google for more examples. It will help you feel ready for anything. Good luck with your big leap. I have a feeling you will land in the right place.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is on holiday break this week and will return with new questions from readers beginning on January 7^th. While on break—and as we move into the new year, Madeleine suggested this advice she offered a reader looking for some help succeeding with New Year’s resolutions.  Use this link to see the original question and Madeleine’s complete response.

Join Madeleine next week for a new year of advice for well-intentioned managers! 

1. Pick one big thing. Probably the main reason people don’t achieve their goals—other than lack of deep personal commitment—is that they have set too many. So your angst that you may be loading up on goals is probably spot on. As you swing back to normal after a big holiday season, you are already behind, so you must manage your own expectations. Choose one big thing and let the rest go.
2. Get Support. Lots of it. Change is hard, no matter what it is—and if you’re trying to break an addiction like nicotine or sugar, it is doubly hard. The brain craves anything that causes a predictable release of dopamine, so you’ll need more support than you think you do. Tapering off can help, as can support groups, a buddy, keeping a journal, daily acknowledgment, or asking for help from your guardian angel or whatever you know to be your higher power.
3. Break it Down. You have one big goal. Break it down into small sub-goals or daily commitments. Ask yourself: What can I do, every day, to keep myself on track? Make a chart and check off something every day. (I’m sure there’s an app for this, but I’m committed to reducing my screen time, so I go with paper.)
4. Make it Compelling: Now let’s loop back to my first point, which is that you really have to care about doing the work to achieve your goal. You can’t do it for your spouse, your kids, your dad, or anyone else, no matter how much you care about them. So, choose something you really, really want. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t a big deal to anyone else, or if it isn’t going to make you a better person. If you really care, there is a chance you will succeed.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

2022 will be remembered as a year of continued change as workers adapt to a post-COVID, hybrid work environment. This was reflected in the questions Madeleine received from her readers. Here is a list of this year’s top five, most-viewed columns. Madeleine will be back on January 7^th with a new year of questions from well-meaning managers—possibly yours? 

Feel Like a Fraud?

A reader who started at an entry-level position, got an MBA, and rose steadily in her company shares being dogged by a feeling that she isn’t quite as good or quite as smart as others think she is.  Madeleine shares how imposter syndrome troubles many well-meaning leaders and how to address it. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feel-like-a-fraud-ask-madeleine

Serious “Resting Face” Issues?

Madeleine helps a friendly, but somewhat serious, manager who has been told she told she has a resting b*%*# face. Madeleine commiserates and shares some strategies. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/serious-resting-face-issues-ask-madeleine

Boss Is Always Criticizing You?

Madeleine offers practical tips for a reader dealing with a new boss who is constantly criticizing everything they do and seems to be trying to make them feel terrible in small and large ways. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/boss-is-always-criticizing-you-ask-madeleine

Not Sure about Blowing the Whistle?

A reader asks a COVID-related question that begs a bigger discussion of what to do when you face an ethical dilemma. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-about-blowing-the-whistle-ask-madeleine

Considering Working with a Coach?

Madeleine helps a reader sort through the pros and cons of working with a coach—including some key questions to ask. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/considering-working-with-a-coach-ask-madeleine

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@kenblanchard.com. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Best Wishes for the New Year!

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Dear Madeleine

I work at a large global company. I was recruited right out of college.

I was homeschooled, went to college early, and completed my undergrad and masters in four years. I only mention this to explain how I am a senior manager at 30. The only people who know my age are in HR. I keep it quiet.

It was incredible at first. Just telling people where I worked got that raised-eyebrow “I’m impressed” look. I was totally bought in and I took full advantage of all the training programs. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I have become a very good manager. I know this because the company regularly provides us with 360 feedback and it appears that my team thinks I can do no wrong.

So what is the problem, you might be wondering. Weirdly, I seem to be the only one who tries to practice what we learn in our leadership training. The higher I go in the company, the clearer it is that the leaders have zero interest in anything but stock price.

Leadership at the level I have reached is all about squeezing the most out of the lowest headcount. That’s how people are referred to: headcount. The level of burnout and mental health issues is staggering. The values are all for show, and the only thing that matters is profitability.

It took me a while to see it, but at this point I am thoroughly disillusioned. I tried to get a reality check during a conversation with my mentor of several years—a seasoned senior person in the company. He all but laughed in my face and told me to grow up. He was surprised at my idealism. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but it kind of crushed me.

I have devoted the last eight years of my life to this company. Most of the time I’ve felt the sacrifices were worth it. I don’t have any close friends who don’t work here. I have missed countless family events, to the point that my parents and sister have kind of accepted that they will never see me. I have nieces and nephews I have never met. I don’t feel like I can talk to my family because they will only tell me “I told you so.” I have never even had a serious romantic relationship.

I literally have no life other than this company—and in a very short stretch of time, I have realized that I have been hoodwinked into giving everything to the equivalent of the death star. I have stashed away quite a tidy nest egg, but a lot of money is tied up in stock options which won’t vest for several more years. I feel like an idiot.

What do I do?

Disillusioned

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Disillusioned,

I am sorry. Disappointment on this scale is terrible—just the neurochemistry of unmet expectations is debilitating. And you are also probably dealing with grief: the loss of a dream is, to use your word, crushing.

I don’t want to insult you, but there is some very good news here. You are thirty. There is a good chance you will live to be a hundred. You have decades, not to mention a nest egg, to reinvent your life. I personally made a complete pivot at your age, and my first professional chapter provided invaluable life experience for me to build on. Many of the people I’ve worked with who reached the top of the ladder only to find that it was leaning against the wrong wall were in their fifties, with big fat mortgages and private school tuitions they were on the hook for. You are young and you are free. It is hard to see that at the bottom of the pit of despair you have landed in, but it is true.

I can’t tell you what to do, but you are obviously super smart and you know that already. What I can do is propose some options for you to think about. Your first move might be to hire a good therapist or coach to help you through this crossroads, because finding your way out of this dark moment of the soul will be a journey.

It will serve you to do some deep thinking about what changed in you that caused you to now see things so differently. What is it about you that kept you from seeing it sooner? What is it that made you so enthusiastic about your job? What can you jettison and what can you keep as you move forward?

In the end you always have a choice.

• You can stay in the situation and suffer. You can’t unsee what you have seen, so staying in the situation will almost certainly lead to severe depression.
• You can try to change your situation. Is it too crazy to think you might be able to stay and change the system from the inside? Keep rising in the company and change the culture to be more aligned with the stated values? That sounds like a long shot, but certainly is a worthy goal. If you go that route, you will need to make a plan for how you might do it and then find ways to stay strong as you execute on the plan.
• You can leave the situation and seek to create a new one.  You could easily pull a full Jerry McGuire—and if you don’t know what I am talking about, watch the movie and you’ll see. Essentially, you will want to get some solid support to catalogue what you have learned from all of this and plot a course of action that makes sense. Make no sudden moves that you might regret.

The choice ahead of you deserves some real thought. You might want to take a long sabbatical—it sounds as if you haven’t stopped to take a breath and look around at the world outside of your bubble in a very long time or even, well, ever. Maybe go spend some time with your family. Go meet your nieces and nephews. Maybe travel a little bit, see the world—it is big and beautiful. Go meet some people and find some new friends who aren’t prisoners of the death star and don’t have Stockholm Syndrome. Take some time to ponder what your purpose is and what you might be able to accomplish with that big heart and extraordinary intellect. Now that you have seen what you don’t want, maybe it will be easier to see what you do want. Maybe you could take a leave of absence—take a break and then gut it out to the next vesting period. Or just walk away. With your experience, you know you will be able to get a job anywhere you want when you decide to go back to work.

With the right kind of help, you can consider all of these options and many more I haven’t thought of. I look forward to hearing what you decide to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at my wit’s end. I am pretty sure my boss has ADHD. She jokes that she doesn’t have it but causes it in others, but it isn’t funny—because ever since I started reporting to her, my life has been total chaos.

On every project, no sooner is the plan written up and sent out than the ideas come flying in. She second guesses the plan, adds action steps (most of which have already been considered and discarded), and adds more big ideas that are not in the scope of what was discussed. These ideas come at me on Slack, text, and email, and she calls me at all hours of the day and night with more. I put my phone on silent when I go to bed and wake up to a slew of random thoughts from her.

I can’t get through an hour of focused work time without at least three interruptions from her. I feel like I have to respond because she is my boss. She is always moving 100 miles an hour and asking questions she doesn’t give me time to answer. She is driving me nuts.

Otherwise, I like the job and the company. What can I do to get control of this situation?

Driven Mad

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Dear Driven Mad,

I did a spit take at your boss’s joke because I once worked for someone who made the same one. Like you, I found it funny at first and then I wasn’t at all amused. I can relate to your situation—so let me first say I am sorry for how hard this is for you.

That being said, it might be helpful to remind yourself of some of your boss’s good qualities. The positive aspects of people who fit her profile are often intense creativity, the ability to be flexible, excellent troubleshooting and problem solving skills, and more than average amounts of energy. Clearly, she does some things well enough to have come as far as she has. But if she is wreaking havoc with your ability to concentrate, you have to find a way to protect your own sanity. Your boss obviously knows she drives people nuts, so at least she has some awareness. I think you must involve her in crafting a working relationship that you can live with.

It’s not so much about giving her feedback—she has already heard it all, I am certain. But you can get clear about exactly what she expects from you in terms of how you respond to her. It could be a series of questions. Some examples might be:

• You have a lot of ideas, which I appreciate. I wonder if you expect me to respond to each and every one of them, or are you simply hoping that I will weave them into the plan and deliverable as I see fit?
• When you send me thoughts and ideas, how do I know which ones you want me to respond to directly vs. which are simply FYI’s?
• I often plan focused work time to get things done. When you ping me during those times, I feel obliged to respond because you are my boss—but would it be okay with you if I respond when I take a break between focused work time sessions? What is your thought on this?
• It is hard for me to distinguish which communications you expect me to take action on and which are just tips you think might be helpful in my work. How do you suggest I do this?
• Is this fun speculation or is this something you want me to flesh out and include in the deliverable?

I think people like your boss just expect that others are like them—fueled by lots of activity. It might be helpful to talk about the difference in your work styles and how she expects you to navigate those differences.

It sounds like your boss’s heart is in the right place and that she is probably unaware of the impact she is having on you. The joke she made does signal that she doesn’t expect you to take her firehose style to heart. So one thing you can do when she comes at you is just breathe and listen. When she asks questions that she doesn’t give you time to respond to, it probably means she doesn’t need you to answer but is just thinking out loud. That’s okay. It isn’t personal. Just breathe, listen, take notes if she says something truly brilliant, and let the rest go.

So have that conversation. Steer away from blame or judgment—“you are driving me nuts” might not work very well as a starter. But something like “you and I have very different work styles, and I would like to find a happy medium where we both get what we need to be productive.” Create some rules of the road together and let everything else roll off your back so you can simply focus. Bosses like her depend on direct reports like you to transform great ideas and creativity into executable actions, and she probably knows that.

In my experience, a lot of very successful people with a genius level IQ behave the way your boss behaves. It’s okay. You can learn to navigate it as long as you don’t expect her to change and don’t take it personally.

Harness your sense of humor, keep being good at what you do, and protect that focused work time so you can keep your head on straight.

Breathe. Listen. Learn to ignore what you should ignore and pick out what matters most.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

Is it naïve to want people to like me? I have been very successful at sales and developing partnerships in my job, partially because I am so good at knowing how to relate to people and getting them to like me.

But recently I am beginning to wonder if having people like me—and being good at it—is really helping me. I have started to manage people and I am having a rough time giving them feedback and holding them accountable. My boss says it is because I have too great a desire for people to like me and I need to get over it. What do you think?

Need to Be Liked

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Dear Need to Be Liked,

First of all, being great at knowing how to relate to people and getting them to like you is a superpower to be thankful for. If it comes naturally, you are lucky—it is a beautiful trait, and the many people who don’t have it work very hard to develop it as a skill.

Is it naïve to think you can make anyone like you? It might be, but as long as it isn’t hurting you, I say enjoy it while you can. As you are experiencing, it may already be hurting you as a manager because giving clear feedback and keeping people accountable is part of your job description. But there are ways to do it that can build relationships instead of eroding them. We’ll get to that in a minute.

I used to think the same thing about myself until a couple of relationships proved me wrong in extremely painful ways. I suspect you will run into some of those. It will have more to do with an imbalance of power combined with conflicting goals than with how the person feels about you. The truth is, when push comes to shove, not everybody is going to like you all the time. And that is okay.

You need to understand something important about needs: Needs will get themselves met. So it is up to you to make sure they get met appropriately. Let me explain.

If your need to be liked is, in fact, a core psychological need instead of just a preference, you need to understand it, notice how it drives your behavior for better and for worse, and learn how to manage that need so it doesn’t get in the way of what you are trying to achieve. There is tons of research about needs, and a lot of theories. Among them is one that psychologists and researchers seem to agree on: Every human being tends to have similar needs for competence, relatedness, and autonomy. Beyond that, individuals differ—but everyone seems to come hardwired with needs that (1) don’t change and (2) will drive behavior to get met. You must find out how to get people to like you in ways that don’t cost you.

How might getting this need met cost you? If it causes you to either choose friends who aren’t good to you or stay in relationships that drag you down, or if it keeps you from being effective in your job. Awareness of your self and your needs is critical so you can make the best choices and thereby protect yourself from your own unconscious behaviors.

You can still be liked as a manager—but the most important thing to remember about being an effective manager is this: Leadership is not about you. It is about the people you are managing. The most important thing you need your people to feel is trust. They must trust that you know what you are doing, that you will give them clear direction and everything else they need to be successful in their jobs, and that you will be fair and consistent. They may or may not like you as a person, but they will definitely trust you.

You can tell your people that it’s your job to give them feedback and you’ll do so whenever it is needed, and that it’s also your job to hold everyone on the team accountable and you’ll be doing that as well. Once you have set the stage for what is expected, it is much easier to follow through on a consistent basis.

Ultimately, the job of a manager is to help their people be as successful as possible in their jobs. You can only do that by giving people feedback—all kinds of feedback—not only, of course, when things go well so they can keep it up, but also when things could be different or better.

Here is an excellent article: Are You a Trustworthy, Self-Aware Leader? by Ken Blanchard with a little bit of detail on our excellent Trust Model and, more to the point, how the need to be liked (which he has in spades) can get in the way of being trustworthy.

The confusing thing about having the need to be liked is that it can be one of the reasons you are successful. It almost certainly is in your case. But there is a moment at which this particular need can become an overused strength and backfire, causing unintended consequences. You are already quite a few steps toward self-awareness, so just keep going. Pay attention, notice, and modulate, taking it one step at a time.

In the meantime, enjoy those relationships—especially your personal ones, where you can be unabashedly yourself with no concern about consequences, with people who love you just the way you are. This way, you can get your need to be liked met with enough people to be satisfied.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team for a startup health and wellbeing subscription platform. I was super excited at the beginning—the founders seemed to have the right values and care about their employees. As time has passed, though, the competition has increased and none of the strategic targets have been met. With every all-company meeting, the strategy changes and we all feel like pinballs.

Many of our competitors are laying people off in droves. In the meantime, our company has brought in a lot of investors and heavy hitters from our competitors who bring their favorites with them, so there is a very weird dynamic of factions in the company now. We’ve got the old-timers, the Team X people, the Team Y people, etc. All the new groups seem to think they are special and are downright rude to the original folks. At a recent in-person team building retreat, no effort was made to integrate the old with the new. It was poorly planned and a colossal waste of time and money.

My original boss, who I loved and who was a great manager, recently left. It was not made clear why. My new boss came from a competitor. She can’t remember my name and is making it obvious that she wants to replace me with one of her pets. She keeps cancelling our one-on-ones but my team keeps hitting its numbers, so she can’t really fault me. Still, I can’t help feeling like my days are numbered.

None of the promises the company made at the beginning have been kept. A lot of the attraction at the beginning was having equity in the company, but now that it feels like the ship is going down, I can’t see that it will be worth much.

I am torn between the loyalty I felt at the beginning and the disillusionment with leadership I feel now. I would hate to walk away from the equity I was promised, but I just don’t know how much longer I can hang on.

Torn

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Torn,

Startups are notoriously messy and many fail. There are a lot of reasons for this, outlined nicely in this article. The competition in your space is particularly fierce as companies try to attract members and retain them. The overwhelming tone of your letter is disappointment. Disappointment is one of the most unpleasant emotions and can be very hard to face head on. But burying it by putting your head in the sand won’t save you.

I have a few thoughts for you, and you aren’t going to like any of them.

I think you need to honor your own intuition that the top leadership has lost its way. Where are the values that were discussed at the beginning? Are they in writing somewhere? Are they being used to onboard the new people? Are they being used to manage leadership performance? If not, they are an idea that was never executed and might as well never have existed.

I can’t tell if you have actual equity (a.k.a. a written contract) or if it was a verbal promise. If you don’t have anything in writing, I hate to say it, but you’ve got nothing. And even if it were in writing, if you really think the ship is going down, part of nothing is nothing.

Now this new manager situation. If it is okay with you to work for a manager who doesn’t seem to care one iota about you, it is your choice. But, again, you have a very strong intuition that it is only a matter of time before you are ousted. So unless you have a history of being suspicious of dubious behavior and being proved wrong, you are probably right.

I am a big fan of loyalty but it sounds like the vision that captured your heart is gone and the people that built that loyalty have already left. So what and who exactly are you loyal to now? I also love optimism. As someone who has led several startups myself, I can tell you that optimism is critical until it blocks out reality, at which point it becomes toxic.

It really sounds like you know what you need to do but don’t want to admit it to yourself. No one would blame you for feeling torn—you have all of those initial relationships and you worked hard through the first couple of startup phases. No one wants to walk away from what felt like an investment.

Ask yourself “If one of my best friends outlined this situation and asked for my advice, what would I say?” And there, my disappointed friend, will be your answer.

There is a lot of opportunity out there. I highly recommend you go find some leaders worthy of your loyalty, your work ethic, and your hard-won experience.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team that has been working together for a long time, although one person recently left. Her replacement is a new high performer who is settling nicely into the job. He has all the experience and skills we were looking for, but he hasn’t quite figured out our culture or the accepted communication norms in our organization.

When I give him feedback on his communications to make them more aligned with expectations, he gets really defensive. The last time I did this he said, “I do good work; I think you’re too picky.” I was taken aback and didn’t say anything, because nothing I could think of saying would have been appropriate. I am not used to an employee talking to me that way.

Ultimately, it is my job to give him feedback to help him be successful here, and I don’t think it is appropriate for him to make personal observations about me. I am not picky, really, but I know my boss and the executive team are. They have expectations about the way my team does things that they have made clear.

How do I approach this? I am not sure quite where to start.

Dealing with a Defensive Direct Report

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Dear Dealing with a Defensive Direct Report,

You are right on both counts: it is your job to give your people feedback so that they can be as successful as possible in their jobs, and it is not appropriate for anyone at work to make personal observations about you.

Shut. It. Down.

It is your job to swiftly and clearly put up the hand and make clear that you will not tolerate that kind of response in the future. If you don’t, your new team member will assume that what feels normal to him is okay with you.

You were wise not to get defensive right back. (I can’t believe you didn’t say “excuse me?”) You are obviously thoughtful and have good self-regulation.

Now leverage that thoughtfulness to prepare for a conversation with your direct report. Think through the messages you want to get across. Choose the most important points and start with them. In your case, it might look something like this:

1. My job is to give you feedback so that you can be as successful as possible in your job. I need to be able to offer you the guidance you need to be successful without being worried that you are going to get defensive and make personal observations about me.
2. If you are not willing to take feedback and use it, we may have a problem.
3. You are certainly allowed to disagree with me, but you must treat me with respect.
4. Of course you do good work—if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be working here. But there is a difference between my giving you feedback on details and my giving you a wholesale critique of your work in general.
5. The feedback I give you is directly related to the expectations and standards of my boss and the executive team. Yes, I am picky around things that I know others in the organization are picky about.
6. Our team’s purpose is internal customer service, and it is important that we all use a consistent approach with all of our communications.

I am sure I got some details wrong in these examples; suffice to say the more to the point and succinct you can be, the easier it will be for you to get through the feedback and for him to understand it. It might also be a good idea to write it all out and send him the summary in an email, so you begin a record of the interactions.

If it turns out that your direct report refuses to use feedback to meet expectations and continues his defensiveness and hostility, you will want a clear trail of evidence. No matter how good someone’s work is, there is no reason to tolerate disrespect.

You could take another approach entirely, of course, and go in with questions to get to the bottom of the defensiveness and possibly get insight into what is prompting the behavior.

Questions:

• How might I frame feedback for you in a way that makes it easier for you to accept?
• Clearly it is important to you to do good work; how can I help you to make sure it is exceptional?
• Help me understand what makes you think I am too picky.

But on second thought, no. I think the questions might be the continuation of point #2:

• If you are not willing to take feedback and use it, we may have a problem. We can talk about what I can do differently to make that easier for you.

I really think the first order of business is to be unequivocally clear about what is and what is not okay with you. You are the boss and no one else can do it for you. If you don’t do it now, your new DDR will just keep pushing you around until you have no influence over the quality of his work. And you will have allowed it to happen.

Harsh? Probably. There are very few things we have control over in life, but this situation is one of them.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I get no feedback.

I like my job, my boss, the team I work with, and my company. At every annual review I write my own review first and my manager adds her two cents, always pointing out ways I contribute that I hadn’t thought about or had forgotten. So I do get feedback, and it is always positive, which is nice.

I realize this sounds crazy, but I want more constructive feedback so I can grow and get better. I guess I want to be more challenged.

How can I go about getting more feedback without seeming dissatisfied?

Wanting More

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Wanting More,

You don’t sound crazy. You sound lucky. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate your position, because it is a rare one: Your boss obviously thinks you are great and is totally happy with the job you are doing.

And—I get it. It sounds like you might be a little bored.

I think your first stop is your boss. Tell her you are looking for a challenge and you either want to get better at the job you are doing or maybe take on something new. You can be crystal clear that you aren’t unhappy or dissatisfied, just wanting to shake things up a little. The ideal time for this is at your annual review; but if that seems too far away, you can ask for a meeting. I am surprised your manager hasn’t checked in with you about your dreams, your job satisfaction, your career aspirations.

Another thought is to ask your colleagues, teammates, and internal and (if applicable) external customers for feedback to see if there is anything you could do that would make working with you easier. You could simply ask:

• Is there anything you wish I would start or stop doing?
• Is there anything you wish I did more or less of?
• Is there anything you think I should know that could make me more effective or help me add more value?

You never know what you might find out.

I guess it is always possible that there is something you do that stops people from offering suggestions or developmental feedback. Is it possible that in the past you have become defensive? Only you can know the answer to that, and it will serve you to admit the truth to yourself. If you think this might be the case, make sure you go into asking for feedback with an open mind. It takes some grace to accept feedback that might be a surprise or feel personal.

Prepare to respond to anything you hear with one of three options:

• Thank you.
• I understand.
• Tell me more.

This will ensure that people who have the courage to tell you something they think you need to hear will feel heard and won’t feel punished for going out on a limb.

There is also a big difference between seeking/hearing feedback and making a decision to actually do something with it. One way of rewarding people for giving you feedback is to loop back with them and let them know what you are doing with their advice. If you choose not to do anything, you can just tuck it away for future reference.

Remember also that feedback always says more about the person giving it than the person getting it. So write everything down. Give yourself some space and time to absorb, process, and decide what is going to make a difference to your success and what isn’t. Resolve to take nothing personally.

You might be opening a can of worms here, so you will want to be prepared for that. Or maybe you are like Mary Poppins—“practically perfect in every way”—wouldn’t that be grand? If that is the case, your next step will be to figure out if you are, in fact, bored and what goals you might set next to create your next challenge.

Thanks for asking such a surprising question.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Can someone be a great leader and not be self-aware?

I believe all great leaders are self-aware. If you don’t know how your behaviors affect others, it’s difficult to lead successfully. Furthermore, leaders who aren’t self-aware can cause significant damage. The news is filled with reports about highly visible executives (I hesitate to call them leaders) who lack self-awareness and the damage they cause to their people and their companies. Their stories have unhappy endings.

The Two Parts of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is foundational to inspiring leadership. It has two parts. The first part is being able to observe your own feelings and thoughts and their relationship. It’s challenging to do and requires observation and patience. The second part is being aware of how you affect others and how they perceive you. Observing your thoughts is an internal knowing. Being aware of your impact on others is an external knowing.

If you want to be an inspiring leader, you must have some degree of mastery over both parts of self-awareness. You need to know what’s important to you, why it’s important, what triggers you, and what your values are. When you have answers for these elements, you will be able to intentionally influence people—a key requirement of leadership.

Internal Knowing

• Gain internal knowing by expanding your feelings vocabulary. To gain a better understanding of your internal self-awareness, a best practice is to develop an extensive feelings vocabulary—descriptive words for emotions that help you accurately identify what you are feeling and why. It helps you move aware from vague explanations of “I am upset” to “I am disappointed and discouraged.” If you have difficulty describing what you are feeling, you may have a limited understanding of your emotions and difficulty taking appropriate action as a result. For some leaders who are less in touch with their emotions, this will require a lot of intentional practice.

Being able to identify an emotion is powerful. When you can describe it, you can name it, tame it (by understanding what actions might help minimize or address the feeling), and ideally reframe it—because it now feels manageable.

One way we help our coaching clients is to provide a vocabulary sheet for them to refer to a set number of times throughout the day to identify what they’re feeling in the moment. There’s a big difference, for example, between frustrated and disappointed, between stressed and panicking, and between content and proud. The vocabulary sheet helps the person become more self-aware and teaches them how to accurately describe their emotions and take appropriate action.

• Gain internal knowing through rightsizing emotions. Rightsizing emotions is another one of my favorite strategies. It’s best described through an example most can relate to: Someone cuts you off in traffic and you become enraged. You ask yourself if the intensity of your emotion is appropriate to what just happened and if your emotion is helpful. In this situation, your emotion is doing nothing but giving you high blood pressure. It’s not changing anything in the world. The best thing to do is to rightsize your rage—decrease it to a mild frustration—and let the anger go because it’s not serving you.

When you feel an intense emotion, first think, “Why does this feel so intense for me?” Then, “Is this intensity going to create a helpful outcome?” If the answer is yes, think about the outcome you want. If the answer is no, think about a more appropriate emotion or one that would be more helpful in helping you achieve your desired outcome.

Variations of this scenario happen at work all the time. Someone hurts you and you feel righteous anger for a while—maybe days or even weeks. Once you learn to look at the intensity of your emotion and determine the outcome you want, you can move past the emotion. The next step would be to either move on or address the issue—ideally, with the person who caused the hurt.

External Knowing

• Gain external knowing through a 360 assessment. One of the best ways to become more self-aware is to learn what people truly think about you. Most leaders don’t take the time to get feedback. They assume they know what would be said—and it’s surprising how often they are off track.

A multi-rater 360 is a fantastic way to improve self-awareness. It allows people to provide anonymous feedback, which increases accuracy. The feedback is gathered in a consistent manner and grouped together so it is nearly impossible for you, the leader, to identify who gave what rating. The pooling of perceptions can also help you be more detached from the results, allowing you to have a clear picture of how you are perceived and what you might want to do about it.

• Gain external knowing through interviews. Have an objective third party act as a surrogate multi-rater. You might choose an executive coach who does not work in your organization. They interview your key stakeholders and keep all answers confidential. Then they summarize the answers to protect anonymity and share with you what they find.

Don’t assume you know what they’re going to discover. Even though the information people share through this confidential approach is often very surprising, leaders usually appreciate being informed than being kept in the dark.

The Unexpected Rewards of Becoming More Self-Aware

The rewards of becoming more self-aware are significant. When you are aware of your feelings, you can rightsize them. You can pivot easily. You can work better with difficult people. When you know the affect you have on others and how they perceive you, you can entertain different perspectives of a situation. You can be an inspiring leader. You are in a place of choice.

Being self-aware brings tremendous freedom. And that makes you a better human and a better leader.

Dear Madeleine,

I need your professional advice on career goals or growth.

I worked in the construction industry for 25 years, starting out as an electrician and moving up to a field manager. I essentially went from pulling wiring through conduit to managing the entire field operation on very large, multi-million-dollar commercial and industrial projects. During this time I also was in the US Army National Guard and was called to active duty in 2002. I was wounded in combat and spent the next three years in and out of hospitals and physical therapy.

When I went back to work, I had a hard time with the physical aspects of my job. I decided to use my VA benefits and found a new job with the federal government as an engineering technician. I was technically still in the field, but now I was just making sure others did what they were contracted to do. It was easier work, fewer hours, and a much more secure future. I have done government work now in various roles for 15 years and have moved up the GS ladder in pay and responsibility.

The government is always pushing for individual and leadership development—“grow up, not down” kind of stuff. To be honest, I’m happy where I am. I don’t want more responsibility and I don’t really want to be a supervisor any longer. When I have said this to my current boss and to some past bosses, they have all asked me why I don’t just go back to the private sector if I feel that way. I don’t understand this, because the growth and development situation was essentially the same in the private sector.

Here’s my question: am I wrong? Should I grow even though I’ll be miserable? I know I won’t be the best I can be. I’m a very good leader but not a good manager. I can inspire others and motivate them to be part of the team, to be themselves, and to contribute all they can in their way. I have an open, creative, teaching mind but I hate the daily grind of supervising people, the miasma of mundane paperwork and budgets, and the sand in my eyes at the end of a long day of computer work.

I have 10 years left before retiring to just work when I want to work, so should I give the government 10 good years doing what I want or should I give them 10 years doing what they want? I’m at the most common rank in the management levels of government service. I have been more senior and could easily keep going on up, but I’d rather just take it easy and slack off on growing and doing.

I know it sounds like I don’t care, but that isn’t it. I just really like the way the job is at this level. Am I wrong in wanting this?

Done Pushing

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Done Pushing,

No. Just No.

Thoughts and feelings are what they are and simply can’t be wrong. The only thing you can do that’s wrong is take an action you may regret without having carefully consulted your thoughts and feelings.

I tried to shorten your letter but I wanted our readers to get the whole picture. It seems to me that you have done more than your duty to your government by anyone’s standards. You’ve earned the right to create your life exactly the way you want it to be. And just who, I ask, is the arbiter of what anyone has earned or deserves? It also sounds like you do your job well and are satisfied with the compensation, so it is a fair exchange.

Long ago I worked with an opera singer who was immensely gifted and had put in long hours to develop her natural talent. She was on the brink of stardom when she realized that the life and career of an opera star wasn’t what she wanted. She was extremely religious and tortured herself with the thought that because God gave her the gift of an extraordinary voice, she was obligated to use it. At the time, I was specializing in working with creative geniuses, many with the overwhelming problem of having been born with multiple gifts. This includes the singer, who was also good at many other things. So the notion that you are obligated to develop and use your gifts just doesn’t compute when you have entirely too many. It took seeing the world through the eyes of these clients for me to realize a principle that I lean on to this day:

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

And that goes for everyone. Including you.

In the singer’s case, she felt beholden to God. In your case, you feel somehow beholden to your government. I can’t speak for God, obviously, but I will say that his ways are inscrutable and mysterious, so you have to listen to your inner voice and your heart. I say the only debts you owe are to yourself and the people you have made promises to.  It doesn’t sound like you are breaking any promises you made to your employer. And you would not be putting your integrity at risk for failing to accept a promotion.

Let’s face it—growth requires discomfort. Some people love being in a constant state of growth and relish the challenge. Others don’t. You might take a few years off to rest and then get bored and change your mind. Or you might not. It is not for anyone else to judge your choices; not that they won’t (ha ha), but it really makes no material difference to you. You can take the pushy advice lightly, say thank you, and change the subject. No use burning bridges, so keep your options open.

The most miserable, unhappy people I have worked with were almost all in a state where they had created a life that others wanted for them, not one they wanted for themselves. And the higher you go, the harder it is to undo those choices.

So no. You aren’t wrong. You get one life, my friend. Are you going to live it the way you want, or the way others want?

I hope this is helpful.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to executive vice president in a company where I started as an entry level coordinator right out of college. I took advantage of the company’s training and generous education reimbursements, got an MBA, and rose steadily. I never dreamed I would get this far, and I am thrilled about it.

Until I am not.

I have excellent mentors and feel very good about my plan in my new role, but in the quiet hours of the night I have serious doubts. I worry that someone will do a double take and ask “What is she doing here?” I worry that someone will look at my college record and realize I did two years at a community college (to save money and live at home) before going to University. I worry that someone will find out I didn’t get a 4.0 average in my MBA program. I worry that I am the emperor with no clothes and that someone will realize it.

My partner laughs at me, telling me I am being irrational, but I just can’t shake this feeling. Is something wrong with me?

Feel Like a Fraud

______________________________________________________________

Dear Feel Like a Fraud,

Every so often, a topic flares up everywhere I look. In a week’s period, I heard the same theme from a colleague, a couple of clients, and an old friend. The theme is imposter syndrome.

That, my friend, is what you are suffering from.

Imposter syndrome might be defined as being dogged by a feeling that you aren’t quite as good or quite as smart as others think you are. It shows up exactly the way you describe: feeling like a fraud and worrying that someday people are going to figure out you didn’t deserve to get the award or the promotion or to have your book published.

I first encountered it decades ago, in my early twenties, when my then-husband was working as an actor in a new play by a very successful songwriter and playwright. They were hanging around together during the endless tech rehearsals and got to talking and she admitted she felt like a fraud and had no idea why she had been so lucky as to have received so much recognition. She said she worried that one day soon everyone would collectively wake up and realize she had no talent at all. I was struck at the time by how horrible that must feel and worried what it meant for people who hadn’t achieved any success or recognition at all. I mean, if someone that successful felt that way, was there any hope for the rest of us?

Around that time, someone shared this Winston Churchill quote with me: “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

That quote kept me going, striving through crappy job after crappy job, and it sustains me to this day.

Much later, when I became a coach, I learned how common imposter syndrome is among very successful people. In my experience, it is remarkably common among folks who have undeniable achievements. It is not a sign of a mental health issue or even low self-esteem—rather, it’s a sign of impossibly high standards and of big dreams and ambitions.

Here is a little video that might be useful if this resonates with you.

The strategy that seems to work best when imposter syndrome rears its head is to talk about it with people you trust. Your partner laughing at you isn’t helpful, so find others. I suspect you will find that others share a similar feeling—people you think of as brilliant, hardworking, and wonderful! So it kind of reflects back that if others who are crushing it feel that way, absurdly, it is probably okay that you do, too. It will almost certainly give you what you need in terms of perspective.

Ultimately, I think it is probably healthy for us to sometimes wonder Am I doing my very best or am I phoning it in? Are we challenging ourselves to go the extra mile or are we coasting? Did we really work for the last stellar performance or did we get lucky? Maybe a little of both? There is no shame in any of it, as long as we are telling ourselves the truth.

I do think some feelings that come with imposter syndrome are mixed up with the confusing concept of who is deserving. Good things happen to terrible people. Terrible things happen to good people. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. For folks who have a strong religious grounding or spiritual practice, what we do and don’t deserve can seem pretty straightforward. But even those folks can have a strong “why me?” response to any event, good or bad. There is no way to establish what anyone really deserves. Personally, I have given up on the whole idea of what I do or don’t deserve because it ultimately seems subjective.

Martin Seligman, in his book Learned Optimism, affords some useful insight on this. Seligman’s theory is that we learn to interpret events from our parents. Natural or adapted optimists tend to interpret bad events as random or the fault of someone else and good events as a result of their own hard work or good decisions. Pessimists tend to do the opposite. An example of this is someone coming out of the grocery store to find that a shopping cart has rolled into their new car and dented it. An optimistic person might think, “Wow, what is it with people who can’t put their carts away? What a bother!” while a pessimist might think, “Oh no, I should never have parked here, this is all my fault!”

I am not advocating we all blame others for our misfortunes, but there is probably a middle ground in which we can look at, and learn from, the part we might have played in what happens to us. It is true that people should put their shopping carts away, and it is also true that it probably makes sense to be vigilant about where we park when we care a lot about our car.

Which brings us to our collective confusion about luck. What is luck? Why are some people so lucky and others not at all? There is no law that defines who gets to be lucky. But I can share this observation about luck: to get lucky, you must at least have goals. Everyone who has goals attempts and fails. Everyone who has goals is wrong sometimes. Everyone gets lucky sometimes and everyone has strokes of terrible luck. So here is the other quote that has always stayed with me: “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” (This one is widely attributed, so I am going with Seneca.)

As far as I am concerned, the only answer is to keep plugging away, keep your eye on the goal, do your best, and pray for good luck and the stars to align. And when they do, try to enjoy it. Don’t second guess it. Just say “thank you” and strive to be worthy of your good fortune.

So go ahead and enjoy your new role, knowing that you got it because you impressed enough people with your smarts, your work ethic, and your effectiveness as a leader. And go ahead and be grateful for the recognition. And keep doing your best, not because you are afraid of being found out but because it is simply what you do. A little self-doubt can be healthy. You should worry if the feeling of being not quite good enough keeps you from trying to do something you want to do and think you might be able to do. If you find it holding you back in your new role, it might be something to work on with a therapist.

Honestly—in my experience, anyway—the people who never feel any self-doubt are the ones who should be worried.

Finally, here are a few things I know for sure:

1. No one cares that you did two years at community college. Anyone with a brain knows that is just smart. You graduated with your undergraduate degree. Period.
2. No one cares what your GPA was in your MBA program. You got yourself a graduate degree. Period.
3. All anyone cares about is that you bring your education, smarts, and work ethic to the job at hand, and that you take your leadership position seriously.
4. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I promise.

Okay?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

People want an empathetic leader. Many managers strive to be one. But ask someone to define the term, and you’re likely to be met with silence.

Let’s start with the definition. According to Merriam-Webster, empathy means “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

The logical question is: why is being empathetic an important quality of a leader? It seems to have nothing in common with achieving tasks or succeeding in the workplace.

The importance of being an empathetic leader starts with the simple truth that leadership is about people. If you’re going to lead effectively, you must be attuned to your people’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This translates into creating real partnerships rather than exerting power. It means walking alongside your team members and guiding them in the direction you need them to go.

Why Empathetic Leaders Are Needed Now

The topic of empathetic leadership has been getting a lot of press lately, mostly due to the adverse effects of the pandemic. COVID has bruised people in many ways: losing a loved one, losing a job, pay cuts, health problems, and on and on.

People are reevaluating their relationship with work in the wake of the pandemic. Some are deciding life’s too short to leave their spirit at the door and endure long workdays just to bring home a paycheck. They want an environment that nourishes them in a profound way.

The Empathy Deficit

Forbes says empathy is the most important leadership skill, but only 40% of people rate their leaders as being empathetic. It’s tricky to single out one skill as being the most important—anyone can argue that other skills deserve top billing. That qualifier aside, this statistic reveals a huge disconnect between what people want and what their leaders are providing.

But leading with empathy isn’t easy. If empathetic leadership were part of a college curriculum, it would be a 200-level class. It presumes that people have all the basics down—and many leaders don’t.

Leaders are often promoted to their roles based on their success as an individual contributor. But being a first-time manager requires a whole new set of skills—for example, emotional intelligence—that are more important than technical expertise. Many managers either haven’t had the opportunity to develop these skills, are resistant to doing so, or don’t have an interest in them.

When you add up all these reasons, it’s easy to see why we have an empathy deficit among leaders and their people.

Know Thyself

Becoming an empathetic leader starts with having excellent self-awareness. This requires doing inner work on understanding your motivators, your temperament, and your personality style. It also includes knowing your communication style, your reaction to feedback, and how your values shape your behavior.

The first step in your journey is investing in your own development. Once you are more self-aware, you can begin to adjust your leadership style to the needs of your people.

Senior executives play a pivotal role in this. They must put organizational resources behind self-awareness initiatives to show they are serious about developing empathetic leaders. Investing in training is an example. Just as important, they need to model the behaviors they want the organization’s leaders to demonstrate. They also should have caring conversations with managers who don’t appear to be growing into empathetic leaders.

Understand Others

The second part of empathetic leadership is striving for a good understanding of your team members. This includes improving your communication skills, such as being curious in conversations instead of being defensive or aggressive. It also includes learning how to eliminate fear in your interactions with your people—trust cannot survive if there is fear in a relationship.

Building trust with your people is essential if you’re to be an empathetic leader. They must know you are on their side and you mean them no harm. You must show them your role as a leader is to help them succeed. The better you understand your people, the better you’ll be able to serve them in a meaningful way.

Be Helpful

Finding practical ways to serve others is a concrete example of empathetic leadership. Our Self Leadership course teaches five points of power you can use to help your people succeed:

• Position Power: Having the title or authority to make certain decisions
• Task Power: Having control over a task or particular job
• Personal Power: Having interpersonal and leadership skills, passion, inspiration, or a personal vision of the future
• Relationship Power: Being connected or friendly with other people who have power
• Knowledge Power: Having relevant experience, expertise, or credentials

Empathetic leaders use these points of power to build up their people, help them feel safe and secure, and increase their confidence. When leaders do this, their people know they care about them. This opens many doors of possibility.

Be Compassionate

Empathetic leaders are compassionate and extend grace to others. They know how to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. But remember: organizations have goals that must be accomplished. Leaders must balance compassion with clear expectations that are understood by every team member.

Leaders who are empathetic place great importance on creating psychological safety—an environment where a person feels free to speak their mind, take risks, and admit mistakes without fear of being punished or reprimanded.

Empathetic leaders also balance great relationships with great results. Ken Blanchard and I share how to navigate this tricky intersection in our new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust. 

Simple Truth #1 in our book is “Servant leadership is the best way to achieve both great results and great relationships.” Many people have an either/or mindset when it comes to leadership—they focus on either achieving results or developing relationships. You can get both if you set a clear vision and direction for your people, then work side by side serving them in ways that help them accomplish their goals.

Set Boundaries

Empathetic leaders know how to set clear boundaries that benefit everyone, such as letting people know how many hours a day they’re supposed to work or that sending late-night emails is inappropriate.

When everyone has clarity on work boundaries—including rules and expectations—there is tremendous safety and freedom. Boundaries create a guardrail so people don’t unduly sacrifice themselves to accomplish something. Boundaries also promote autonomy. They let people know what they can and can’t do. 

An Empathetic Leader in Action

Seeing an empathetic leader in action turns philosophy into concrete reality. Try to imagine yourself as an empathetic leader who practices the following behaviors on a daily basis.

An empathetic leader:

• Asks rather than tells
• Listens rather than speaks
• Serves rather than commands
• Cares about people’s concerns
• Is receptive to feedback
• Doesn’t overact to people’s questions or concerns
• Doesn’t interpret concerns as resistance

When you demonstrate these behaviors, your people will be loyal to you. They’ll be engaged. They’ll give their best effort. They’ll be more innovative. And they’ll speak highly about your organization to their friends and colleagues.

Call to Action

At its core, empathetic leadership is about being an others-focused leader. It’s about leaders being in tune with the needs of their people and responding in tangible ways that demonstrate their care and concern. And how do people respond when their leaders act this way? They pledge their loyalty, trust, and commitment to that leader, which results in greater productivity, innovation, and creativity. Who wouldn’t want that?

Dear Madeleine,

I have a great job in a company I love. I was recently offered a promotion. Even though I thought the change in compensation didn’t reflect the increased responsibility, I was so happy to even be considered that I jumped at it. I now have four direct reports.

Here’s the problem: as the manager, I’m working on our budget (our fiscal year is April to April). I’ve just learned that some people who are doing the same job I just left are making a lot more than I made—and one of them (a man) is being paid virtually the same salary as I am.

I got so mad I considered quitting, but my partner convinced me to take a step back and think it through.  It all seems so arbitrary and unfair that I can barely think straight. I keep thinking this happened because I am a woman and they know I am married to someone who has a high paying job. I feel taken advantage of. 

What do you think of this?

Shortchanged

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Shortchanged

I can understand how upset you are.  From a neuroscience standpoint, when we perceive things to be unfair, all kinds of stress hormones are released—sometimes to the point where we behave irrationally.  Your partner’s advice is smart: taking some time to calm down and look at the situation objectively is the best thing you can do right now. 

Let me just start by saying I’m not an expert on this topic but I’m a woman who has been navigating the workplace forever. I’ve worked with many clients who have found themselves in the same situation as you. My first instinct is always to look for what you can control and what you can’t control.  What you can control right now is your response to this situation.  You can also look carefully at the part you may have played in allowing it to happen.

I think I would feel exactly the way you do right now if I hadn’t heard about the work of Sarah Laschever and Linda Babcock when their first book came out in 2007: Women Don’t Ask: The High Cost of Avoiding Negotiation and Positive Strategies for Change.  The book has since been re-released as Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and The Gender Divide.

The impetus for the book came when one of the authors angrily asked her grad school professor why the guys got all the teaching assistant jobs, and he said “none of the women asked for them.”  Thus began the journey of getting to the bottom of why most women end up making so much less than their male counterparts. It starts with the fact that most young women don’t negotiate their very first starting salary. From that moment, they are behind—sometimes to the tune of more than a million dollars over a career. 

There are lots of cultural reasons for this, but probably the biggest one (in my opinion, anyway) is that women tend to do exactly what you described in your letter: “Even though I thought the change in compensation didn’t reflect the increased responsibility, I was so happy to even be considered that I jumped at it.”  You had an emotional, humble response to being offered the job, which tends to be more common in women than in men.  And you allowed your joy at being honored with the promotion to keep you from honoring your own intuition that the pay was not quite right.  I would submit to you that you probably did the same thing with your first job, the job after that, and the job you just came from.  The man who is now your direct report probably negotiated his starting salary and then negotiated every step of the way, which could be why he is now making so much more than you made for the same job.  Was he offered more money because he was a man?  You will probably never know, but I can tell you that most offers are based on salary requirements of the applicant and market norms.

I once said in this column that as a manager, my job was to acquire the best possible talent for the lowest possible price and that it wasn’t my job to remind job applicants that they could negotiate.  The fact is that most organizations have salary bands that are informed by market norms—and if a manager can get someone willing to do the job for the lowest reasonable offer, more power to them.  A colleague at my company read the column and got mad at me.  She felt that my job as a manager was to make sure that salaries were fair.  I did feel that all salaries among my staff were fair but I also wondered how I personally could be expected to be the arbiter of fairness. My point is that it is tricky.  I also am led by the philosophy that you get what you negotiate in life.  If you settle for the first offer, that is what you get. 

I realize that this sounds very harsh—and it’s really not my intention to make you feel worse than you already feel.  The fact remains that you got excited and leapt before you looked, and here you are, upset about it.  The real question is what now? 

First, I encourage you to get Babcock and Leschever’s book to understand the dynamics that keep women (especially) from negotiating in the first place.  I am not saying discrimination doesn’t exist out there. It most certainly does.  But women are culturally programmed to be rule followers, to grant authority to others when they don’t need to, and to wait to be given something instead of risking their own discomfort—and worse, the discomfort of others—to ask for it. These are the cultural norms that you will need to recognize and transcend to get what you think you deserve.  Unfortunately, no one will do this for you. 

Next, I encourage you to raise the issue with your manager. Explain that when you accepted the job your reason was clouded by excitement and you now realize your compensation does not feel equitable.  Possibly you can negotiate a bonus based on performance, and a bigger than normal raise at your next performance review.  I have worked with many employees over the years who felt their compensation wasn’t quite right. There are lots of ways to address the issue.  But, again, you have to be the one to raise it.  The key is to not blame anyone for the situation or act like a victim.

I would caution you against quitting out of anger.  If you can’t get any traction, then maybe you could start looking.  But if you love the job and the company, that isn’t anything to throw away in haste.  At least give your employers a chance to hear you out and work with you to rectify the situation. If they won’t, bide your time, get your experience in the new position, and then go find something else.  And if you do go elsewhere, negotiate your first offer. As many have said—I read this in an interview with Richard Branson decades ago and it rocked my world, though I still have to remind myself all the time—“If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.”

I hope this incident helps you step up and fight for what is important to you in the future—and that you will always remember it as the moment when everything changed for you. 

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

It’s Women’s History Month—time to celebrate women’s accomplishments in the workplace! It’s essential to take a moment to recognize our contributions when you consider that in 2020 women still made just 84% of what men earned for the same job and were significantly underrepresented in leadership roles, according to Pew Research.

The argument about whether women can be great leaders is one that needs to be put to rest. Research has long shown that women excel in leadership roles. To empower women colleagues and to reassure anyone who may have an unconscious bias against women who apply for leadership positions, I share these findings:

• Women leaders are rated as being more competent than men on 11 out of 12 dimensions of leadership, according to Forbes.
• Women leaders score higher than men in 17 of 19 leadership competencies, according to Harvard Business Review.
• And 33% of people who work for a female manager are engaged at work, compared to 27% who work for male managers, according to Gallup.

There’s more: Female managers are more likely than male managers to encourage employee development, check in frequently on their employees’ progress, have regular conversations about their performance, and praise their people.  They are also better at collaborating and are perceived as being more empathetic and trustworthy. And they are significantly better listeners.

Perhaps Forbes best summed up the facts:

Having women in senior leadership roles also translates into greater profitability. A study by Credit Suisse found 25% of women in decision making roles had a 4% higher average return on investment—and companies with 50% of women in senior leadership had a 10% higher cash flow return on investment.

“With incontrovertible evidence like this, organizations not aggressively pursuing the cultivation of women executives are making the expressed, intentional choice to disregard evidence, severely undermining performance and compromising their organization’s potential.”

It’s crystal clear that your unique voice is needed to help people thrive! So, as a way of encouraging dynamic women such as yourself to climb the leadership ladder, my acronym WOMEN shares five strategies you can use to create the future of your dreams!

W = Ask WHO Questions

From my experience, successful women are fabulous at focusing on what they need to do, when they need to do it, and why they need to do it. Then they go out and get it done!

We’ve got the what, when, and why down. Now, as more women seek to move into leadership positions, we might want to focus on who. Here are some who questions you can ask to rocket your career to new heights!

• Who can help me do this task?
• Who can I delegate this to, so I can protect my time and build competence in others?
• Who do I want to meet?
• Who can I observe to see how the best and brightest do this task?
• Who do I want on my personal board of directors?
• Who can I endorse and build their confidence, so they are ready to step into a leadership position?
• Who do I want as a mentor?
• Who can I partner with who energizes me?
• Who can I and other leaders champion to help them get more visibility?

O = Be OTHER-Focused

Great women leaders are other-focused while keeping their eye on their own work. If someone asks them for help, they are immediately of service. They think of that person and what is important to them, and ask themselves, “How can I best help them?” They never lose sight of what that person wants to accomplish, sending them articles and ideas, checking in on their progress, and being an accountability buddy to ensure the person is successful.  

Other-focused women leaders know when to tell people how to do a task and when to ask someone to share how they think they would like to do a task. They know this because, just like a good doctor, they diagnose the task and the person’s demonstrated competence before responding. They are mindful of individual differences and communicate, recognize, and encourage people in a way that is meaningful to them.

M = Use MOMENTUM to Make Things Happen

Inspiring women leaders are energized by momentum. They are always seeking to do things better and faster, help the greatest number of people to succeed, and drive organizational vitality. They are always learning, reflecting on their actions, analyzing what they think would be best, and sharing their insights with others.

Momentum comes in many different forms such as speaking up in meetings. Here’s a helpful tip to ensure people listen to your ideas: Instead of giving your suggestions or recommendations in the form of a question such as “What if…” or “How about…,” be direct and say, “Here’s what I think we should do.” That way, people don’t think you are asking a question that drives their need to problem solve.

When you present your ideas, remember: if you hear no, it doesn’t necessarily mean no. No can mean lots of things such as “I’m hungry” or “I’m too busy today and don’t have the bandwidth to consider it.”

Here’s a funny anecdote that some of you may have experienced, between my very rational husband and me. We were driving home with the kids from a long hike, and everyone was hungry. My husband said, “Let’s go out to dinner!” Then he asked me, “Where would you like to go?” I said, “How about that new place?” He thought for a minute and said, “Nooo.” Then I said, “Well, how about the ABC restaurant?” And he thought for a few seconds and said, “Nooo.” And then I said, “I’ve got it! How about if we go to the place everybody loves, the XYZ restaurant?” And again, he said, “No I’m not really feeling that tonight.”

At this point, I thought to myself how come we never get to go where I want to go? So I decided to address that. I asked, “How come you never want to go where I want to go?” He said, “Well, you didn’t say where you wanted to go.” What’s the moral of that story? He was right. I just kept asking questions—and, being a rational guy, he just gave me his answers. Remember this when you’re pitching ideas in the boardroom. State your recommendation (like I should have): “Let’s get off at the next exit and go to Buca de Beppo.” Which I did, and we went, and it was delicious.

One last tip. If you have to say something that might upset someone, don’t start your sentence with “I’m sorry.” Say something like, “Thanks for taking the time to chat.”  This expression of gratitude makes the listener more receptive to what you’re about to say. 

E = Be Comfortable with EMOTIONS

Awesome women leaders realize that emotions should be acknowledged and embraced. Leveraging emotional intelligence is one of their superpowers.

When I was in my doctoral program, I read In a Different Voice by Carol Gilligan of Harvard. It was revolutionary for me. I did have a different voice—a woman’s voice. When I was a school administrator, colleagues would often tease me by saying, “Oh Vicki, you’re so sensitive! Do you always have to ask how this will impact the students (or teachers or parents)?”  This often triggered a sense of shame and powerlessness that came from my childhood admonitions. When I was little, I was often told I was too emotional. If I got excited or upset, I would constantly hear negative comments from my parents that sent the message “People like you don’t make it in the real world!” In other words, they felt expressing emotions would hinder my success.

The truth is the opposite. Now, in a time when people are feeling so strongly about everything, the ability to be aware of and acknowledge your emotions and the emotions of others is the ultimate relationship builder. Creating a place where your people can release negative emotions and amplify positive ones is a special gift. It’s what makes women leaders such a tremendous benefit to an organization.

N = NURTURE Yourself and Others

Nurturing is a profound concept. It encompasses mindfulness, boundaries, and caring for ourselves and others. Fabulous women leaders realize that our bodies are the holding tanks for our brilliance. No bodies, no brilliance.

Because of this, women leaders protect their time, helping their people take brain breaks and look after their bodies. They run effective meetings so that people are energized, not drained. They stop every hour for a “mindfulness minute” to drink water, exercise for a minute, call someone, or praise someone. They know self-care renews their energy, their ability to be compassionate, and their ability to focus. And they know it’s much harder to be compassionate when you’re drained.

Last, women leaders watch their thoughts carefully. As Margie Blanchard, one of my favorite women leaders, says: “Don’t say it unless you want it!” They realize there is a profound connection between their thoughts, physiology, and outcomes. Since the brain stores information in images, which the body reacts to, they keep their minds filled with desired outcomes and a vision of what they want.

For example, if I say, “I’m exhausted,” what happens in my body? It wilts. But if I say, “I am so energized and excited to go into this meeting and learn something from everyone,” my body becomes energized.

Embrace Yourself. Embrace Success.

Women leaders: the world needs your unique point of view and your energy—for unleashing the power and potential of others!

Keep on leading. Keep on inspiring. Keep on challenging yourself to take even better care of yourself than you already are! Let others hear your powerful voice. Model for others the gifts of clarity, influence, and autonomy. And watch the world return it to you in abundance.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP of sales for a US-based fitness and weight loss website that is in hypergrowth. I started with the company about eight years ago and rose through the ranks, figuring things out as I went.

About 18 months ago, my regional counterpart (I was East, he was West) quit suddenly when someone else was promoted to chief sales officer over him. The amount of regional VPs I managed suddenly doubled and I had a new boss. She came from sales operations, has never sold so much as a Girl Scout cookie, and depends on me for everything.

Since she started, my work has been nothing but a slog. In 2021, I got no recognition or appreciation from my new boss when—despite the doubling of my workload and the crazy COVID disruption—we crushed our sales quotas for 2020. This past year, in addition to my ten regular direct reports, I covered for someone who went out on a six-month medical leave. When I asked for a promotion to senior executive VP, my boss couldn’t understand why that mattered to me and denied me the title change. Then just a couple of weeks ago, without any discussion or explanation, she changed my comp plan. I did the math and discovered I essentially got a pay cut.

It seems like the harder I try and the better I do, the less I am making and the less they care about me. I have tried several times to share with my boss what motivates me (title, money), but she doesn’t listen and doesn’t care. I have received no feedback at all on what I might be doing wrong, so it isn’t a performance issue.

I don’t want to leave my people high and dry, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. How do I make the decision to stay or go? I get calls from headhunters all day long, the industry I am in is exploding, and I have an amazing track record. All my friends think I am nuts for staying. What do you think?

Stay or Go?

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stay or Go?

This sounds really hard. It is hard to imagine what your boss is thinking. Why, if you are doing so well, would she be lowering your comp and denying you something (a title) that costs her nothing when it is so clearly important to you?

I guess my question is: What is keeping you where you are? You don’t want to leave your people high and dry—that’s it? You don’t mention how much you love the company, or the product/service you are selling and the difference it makes in the world. That tells me you will probably be much happier in an environment where your boss appreciates your skills, cares about what matters to you, and has the professionalism to manage conversations like a change in comp properly. I mean, seriously, a change in compensation for a sales professional requires delicacy, tact, and lots of negotiation. I am not in sales, but I know something like that shouldn’t just be an announcement.

Is it possible that because you started in the company early and rose up, you feel a strong sense of ownership that is keeping you stuck somewhere you aren’t appreciated?

What if you were to give yourself one last quarter to do your utmost to prepare your team to be as successful as possible without you, then respond to those headhunters and find a company that will recognize your value and treat you better?

I think when everything becomes an uphill battle, your boss sends messages that you don’t matter, and you are asking yourself every day how much longer you can hold on, those are clues that it might be time to go.

Did I miss something? Only you will know.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

If relationships fail and one decides to pivot away from a toxic organization or situation, what is the best way to tell that story in a job interview?      

For example, I may be asked “Why did you leave that company?” My true feeling is it was all about the toxic culture. The objective truth might be more likely that I failed—ran out of patience, failed to make breakthroughs in those relationships, etc. Ultimately, it was a personal decision to leave based on my mental, emotional, and professional health and career choice. 

What do you think?

Preparing for My Next Step

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Preparing for My Next Step,

First, congratulations for having the guts to jump ship. So many just suck it up and stay miserable. It takes real courage to recognize an intractable situation and do what is needed to take care of yourself.

I consulted our Trust expert and coauthor of the just-published book Simple Truths of Leadership (with Ken Blanchard), Randy Conley, on this one. He says:

“I’d encourage you to be honest in a respectful way that doesn’t disparage your former employer or boss. I’ve conducted hundreds of interviews and have heard the good, bad, and ugly from people sharing reasons for leaving a past employer. The people who impressed me the most have been those whose integrity shined through in the way they explained their departure.

“A good way to get the message across is by using ‘I’ language to take ownership of your decision to leave, while clearly and diplomatically explaining that there was a misalignment between your values and theirs or the culture didn’t provide the type of environment in which you could flourish.

“Yours is a very common reason why people leave jobs, so I wouldn’t get too self-conscious about discussing it in a respectful and professional manner. Remember, your response shapes your reputation.”

I really can’t say it better than that. The only thing I would add is that it might be a good idea to prepare in advance some brief concise remarks about what you are looking for in the culture of your next job. Also, maybe add a little more detail about what you learned about yourself from the experience and what you might do differently in the future should you run into a similar bind. Your last gig made you hyper aware of what you don’t want, so how exactly can you use that experience to define what you do want? And if you are ready to own your part in having to leave, how might you apply that knowledge to build stronger relationships in your next job?

That will keep things on a lighter note—a positive vision of the future is always attractive. And you are ready for the inevitable behavioral interview question: “How might you deal with a perceived lack of values alignment in the future?” It will also assist your interviewer in assessing culture fit for your next potential opportunities.

Both Randy and I wish you the best of luck finding the exact right spot for your next career chapter.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I started working for a US-based company about nine months ago. It is a hybrid role where I go into the office two to three days a week and work from home the other days. The job is perfect for me—just challenging enough. I feel that I can do my best and do well.

My problem is an older male colleague. I am female in a predominantly male industry and role (environmental engineering), and every time I see this colleague, he says “Smile, Danika (not my real name but I am from Denmark), things can’t be all that bad.”

Now, I have been told that I have resting b*%*# face. It is true that when I am thinking hard about something or simply paying close attention—which is all the time—I tend to frown. Ever since I moved to the US for graduate school, people have been telling me to smile more.

I. Am. Sick. Of. It.

It is only matter of time before I tell my jolly colleague where he can shove his remarks, which I know will not win me friends. What to do, though? Any ideas?

RBF

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear RBF,

Oh, how I can relate, my friend. I grew up in France and Belgium and also have been hearing “Smile!” since I moved to the US. It is definitely an American thing. I just spent three weeks with a bunch of South Americans and noticed that the women only smile when they really feel like it. The rest of time, their faces stay quite neutral. I felt out of place with my bizarre American habit of smiling all the time just to keep from putting people off. Some members of my group looked at me askance.

I am pretty sure it is only women who are told to smile constantly. I actually got a comment that I should smile more on a 360-feedback report that I engaged in recently. I was shocked—at this point in my career and life, someone (I am certain, a man) still feels the need to tell me to smile more. And I make an effort already! Honestly, it is enough to make a woman scream.

To be fair, I have worked with some male leaders who are terrifying to their team members due to their seniority, physical stature, authority, or sheer IQ. These men have benefitted from simply remembering to smile when they see others in the office or on zoom, or when they ask how someone is. It makes people relax a little bit and remember that, brilliant and authoritative as the boss is, he is still just a human being.

And you are right—a witty comeback will not serve you, as satisfying as it may feel in the moment. So here are some ideas:

• When you greet people and are perfectly happy to see them, tell your face. Remember that you might be intimidating to some. Reminding everyone you greet that you are just a regular person who cares about them as a person can’t hurt. It takes some practice, but it is worth a try.
• If someone continues to be annoying with their reminders, practice a comeback that is the truth—something like “Hey, I grew up in a culture where people don’t smile all the time, and I am trying to get used to this American smiley thing” or “Oh, hi, I was just noodling on the intractable water purification problem we are wrestling with on the Sanoz Project,” Or “I’m trying, but I hate Mondays, don’t you?” And if they keep it up: “I am trying, I really am! Thanks for the reminder!”
• Share one of my favorites: Substitute your own country of choice and say “You know why (French) women have no wrinkles? They never smile!” Haha. Not to insult anyone, but you get the idea.
• Put a sticky note on your computer screen to remind you to smile, especially on web conferences.
• Put up a little mirror at your workstation to remind you to smile. I have seen this done in call centers because even with zoom, people can hear it when you smile.

Americans are just weird with the smiling thing. I could go down the rat hole with the whole gender and culture thing, but we aren’t going to solve those issues today. Remember that you are working in an American company with American people, so doing what you can to fit more comfortably into their culture will probably ease your way. There is also research that shows that smiling lifts your mood—strange but true. So as long as you don’t resent feeling like you have to smile, it might actually feel good.

Clearly, you are serious about your work and you tend to focus hard, so this will be a stretch for you. But in the end, you are working with people and you can’t get anything done without them, so whatever you can do to get them to warm up to you will help you achieve your goals. At the end of the work day you can go home and do whatever you want with your face.

You might feel that your intellect, problem solving ability, and work ethic should be all people should care about. And I would agree—but that just isn’t the way things are. Since I also need to take this advice, I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. Worth a try, though? I guess you’ll have to find out.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to lead a team I’ve been on for over a year. We started out with a very good team leader, but it became apparent that he was leading too many teams and didn’t have the time. He recommended to his boss that I take it on. He asked me if I was interested and I said yes, and the next thing I knew it was a done deal. Normally in my company, jobs are posted, people apply, and it all feels equitable. But this time, probably because we are growing so fast and there is so much going on, they skipped that step and just made the announcement. I guess because I am not getting a raise or a title change, they thought it would be okay to just cut to the chase.

Well, I wish they hadn’t. My peers—or I guess I should say former peers—are not happy about the way things went down. As I grapple with trying to find my footing, all I see on Zoom is a bunch of glum faces. When I ask questions, ask for ideas, or try to get discussion going, I get crickets. I used to have great relationships with everyone on the team and now I feel like they all hate me.

I feel very alone and there is so much work to do. I am afraid the team, in protest, will sabotage all of the good things we had going on. I am a nervous wreck. Help.

Thrown to the Wolves

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Thrown to the Wolves,

This sounds really hard. I’m so sorry.

There are a couple of things here. It is clear that the process your former lead used to replace himself skipped some critical steps—like giving you the job description and the terms of your agreement, for starters. I wonder if you would have agreed to take on that much more responsibility without a pay raise. I am raising one eyebrow here and wondering if you might want to revisit that decision. Perhaps you should have a conversation with your old team lead (if he is still your boss) or your new boss.

Now. How to get your team onboard with you as their leader? It will take some guts, but if you don’t create a space to talk about the herd of elephants in the room, I don’t know that you will be able to get past it. Start with the truth: you were barely consulted and were tossed into the deep end. It will be hard to tell the truth without throwing your former team lead under the bus, but if you just stick to the facts about how things went down, you should be okay. You can call out that you understand how the process was unfair and that although you had no hand in creating the situation, you recognize how it must feel. Call out the weirdness of now being the boss of people who were your peers five minutes ago. If it feels right, go ahead and share the silver lining of having been peers with everyone on the team by noting the superpower of each member of the team. Say whatever you need to say about how awkward your position is, but keep it short and sweet. Give everyone on the team a chance to say whatever they need to say about it. The more you make it about them, the better off you will be.

Then share that you care about the whole team, you want success for everyone, and you can’t do it without them. Ask for their input on what it would look like if you did a good job. Listen carefully, take notes, and commit to anything that sounds reasonable. You might take their feedback, give it some thought, and create a list of commitments you feel confident you can keep.

The more you choose to come from a place of serving both the greater good of the team as a whole and the success of each individual on the team, the more they will be willing to accept you in the role. For more on servant leadership, click here. Share your vision for how great the team can continue to be. Share the values you lean on as a leader, if you know what they are. Share your expectations of yourself. Lay out a list of all the cool things the team is working on and connect each one to the goals of the organization so they are reminded of the importance of the work you are all doing.

In the next meeting, get input from the team on what has been working well and what they might want to change in the team culture, so that you all have an opportunity to build the team anew.

As you go, you will want to set up one-on-one meetings with each member of the team. Ask questions and just listen to the answers. Questions might be something like:

• Other than your feeling betrayed about how the transfer of leadership happened, is there anything I have done that has broken trust with you?
• What can I do to gain your trust?
• What else do you want me to know?
• Is there anything you see that you think I should start doing, stop doing, do more of, do less of?
• Do you have any specific interests or strengths you have not been able to leverage as much as you’d like that I should know about?
• What other advice do you have for me?

Meeting one-on-one with you will give team members an opportunity to vent their feelings more candidly than they might have in the group. Just really listen, reflect back what you hear, ask clarifying questions. Don’t defend yourself or get into a discussion. If you feel compelled to discuss something, make a note and loop back and do it in a subsequent conversation.

The more you are willing to be vulnerable and listen, the quicker your team will get over themselves and get back to work.

If you weren’t capable of managing this very difficult situation, your former team lead wouldn’t have chosen you. Remind yourself of what you are best at and trust yourself to be smart, caring, and attentive. You will have a cohesive wolf pack before you know it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have recently taken a job as office/operations manager for a medical practice. The managing partner is fairly new to the practice and was given the job because none of the other doctors want to deal with the day-to-day problems.

It is true that hiring and managing staff plus staying on top of the many rules, regulations, and insurance details is an endless series of issues. The practice has kept up with the times but just barely, and there is much room for improvement, efficiencies, and innovation.

The managing partner claims he wants to modernize and be more profitable, but every time I present him with a plan, he shoots it down.

How can I get him onboard with my ideas? I really just want to make things better around here.

Excited to Make Change

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Excited to Make Change,

Congratulations! You sound super excited and enthusiastic. I am sorry that the wind has been taken out of your sails with your first attempts, but with a few tweaks in your approach you will be on your way again.

It sounds like so far you have presented ideas and plans that you think are most needed—but your new managing partner doesn’t know you yet and has no reason to trust you. So your first step is to understand your managing partner. Schedule some time with him to ask questions, listen carefully to the answers, and take notes. Something like:

• What is your vision for the practice?
• If you could change one thing about the way we operate the practice today, what would it be?
• What do you think is working well?
• What do you think is not working well?
• What is important you?
• Of all the things that are important, which are the priorities?
• What was it about my previous attempts at plans that didn’t work for you?
• If I were to do my job perfectly, what would that look like to you?

Do not engage in discussion. If you must talk at all, ask follow-up questions to get more detail. Use phrases like “can you say more about that?” or “tell me more” or “can you share an example?” During your listening session, do not use the opportunity to argue for your plans. Really—I am not kidding—just listen and pay attention. After your listening session, write up your notes and send them to the managing partner. This will further cement the impression that you care and you are paying attention.

This meeting accomplishes a couple of things:

1. You will build trust: It makes the managing partner feel that he is included and you are interested in his opinions and ideas. So with just that, you are developing your relationship and making him feel like he matters. The rule of thumb here is that no one will trust the message until they trust the messenger.
2. You will learn a lot: You will get some insight into how your managing partner sees things, what is important to him, and how he thinks. You can use this information to craft a plan to tackle what matters most to him in a way that is compelling to him. You’ll learn his language: Does he speak and think in spreadsheets? Does he want to hear about best practices your competitors are using? Does he care only about money? Patient care? Customer service? Holding the doctors accountable?

When the time comes to share a plan, you can frame it as his own idea; e.g., “You said the most critical thing we need to address is patient care, so I have taken your suggestions, added a few based on my research, and would like to present some ideas on how we might tackle that.” The tactic of making the person with the power to greenlight your plans think the whole thing was their idea is as old as time—because it works. If you feel yourself balking at this notion because you want credit for your own genius, I get that. And I say get over it. Focus on how you can get stuff done, and not on who will get credit for it.

Some other thoughts to consider as you get more insight into what your manager is thinking about and how he is thinking about it:

• Create a survey for everyone working in the practice to assess what matters to them, what gets in the way of them doing their best work, and what ideas they have to “make things better around here.” Then, leverage public opinion to argue for some good ideas. You can do interviews with people or use an online survey tool like Survey Monkey, which has a free version. You don’t have to be an expert to create surveys. Just be sure to ask one question at a time. Create ways for people to respond to problems that have already been surfaced, to get a sense of which ones are the most pressing for people.
• Research what your competitors do differently (or better) than you. Study the latest best practices and be clear about how these practices make a difference. Use as much data as you can get your hands on to make your case.
• Connect your ideas to your practice’s values (if they exist), strategic plan (if there is one), and/or goals for growth (if there are any).
• If your managing partner shoots down your next attempt, you might lobby for support among the doctors and others in the practice who have influence.

Hopefully, one or more of these ideas will be helpful. Don’t give up. What seems obvious to you is probably not obvious to others. This is an opportunity for you to develop the skills of gaining supporters and building enthusiasm for your ideas and plans. I promise—having these skills will serve you well for your entire career!

You probably wish you could just have a great idea and move directly to execution. I remember feeling that way a long time ago. That works if it is just you. But the minute you try to do things for an entire group, you become a political animal, and that is a lot of work—much more work than you think it should be. But worth it in the end.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have always really liked my job even though the workload is oversized and the hours are long. I provide expert advice and coaching around diet and weight management in a community medical clinic. I have a master’s degree in nutrition and am a registered dietitian. We are government funded and located in an under-resourced community so I know I am providing a much-needed service, which makes me feel good.

About nine months ago I got a new boss. Her voice is weirdly high pitched and grating and all she does is find fault, but I thought I would give her a chance. To be fair, under my last boss (who was super nice) things weren’t very well run, so I thought it would be good to get a fresh perspective.

I have very high professional standards. I am always up on the latest research, always on time, and go the extra mile. I have taken classes that I have paid for myself to get better at communicating. (People get defensive about health and weight—it is a tricky topic.) I complete all of my paperwork on time and have never had a complaint.

My new boss criticizes everything I do and seems to try to make me feel terrible in small and large ways. If I arrive early or work late, she says something like “well, I guess you have no life.” If I help a patient apply for extra services (which they always need), she dings me for putting extra pressure on the system or hogging resources.

She comments on my looks, my clothes, and the age of my car. I am always neat and clean and have tried to always look professional but not overdo it. (This isn’t hard—I have no discretionary cash in this job and am a single mom of two.) I know I am petite and have been told I’m pretty. She calls me a “beauty queen” if I wear a little bit of a heel, and a “preppie” if I wear a button-down shirt.

I find myself second-guessing my perfectly reasonable work clothes and feeling panicky when I get dressed in the morning. It feels personal—except she pretty much does the same thing to everyone else.

I have tried asking her if she is unsatisfied with my work and how I might improve, to which she replies that I am too needy for always seeking positive feedback. I wish I were the kind of person who could draw a boundary, but the way she behaves is so erratic, and sometimes outlandish, that the only thing I can think of to say is “leave me alone!”

I am shy, introverted, and would pretty much rather die than confront anyone. I live in a state of dread and I hate going to work now. This bullying combined with the low pay and long hours is making me think it isn’t worth it. I am at a loss. Is it me? Help!

Dread Going to Work

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dread Going to Work,

Yuck. What a bummer. I can feel your dread.

One has to wonder, does your new boss want you to quit? Or is she simply oblivious to how her petty, nasty, mean-spirited way of going about her day affects people? She is probably one of those people who tells their children they are stupid, bad, and ugly. In my years living in New York City and riding the subway everywhere, I was astonished at the way people talked to each other and corrected their kids. One can only assume she was raised in a family of people for whom it was normal to belittle and criticize.

It is possible she is tough and thinks she is funny, and what feel like jabs to you are her idea of relating. I actually know someone—a smart, competent guy who runs his own business—and his way of connecting to his employees is to walk around flicking them on the arm, on the back, on their heads. I really do mean flicking, as in he uses his thumb as resistance to propel his index finger to produce a sharp little tap. He told me that is how he connects to his people at work!

My point here is that you just can’t really know what people are thinking unless you raise the issue. It’ll be hard, but I encourage you to draw a boundary. To do that, you would have to think through all of the things she does that are out of bounds and prepare for the next time she pokes you verbally. Practice saying things out loud so you are ready. Examples might be:

• Please don’t comment on the way I dress, it makes me feel self-conscious.
• Please don’t tease me about my car, it runs well, and a new one isn’t in the budget.
• It is my understanding that part of my job is to help patients access the resources they need. If that isn’t the case, please help me understand how the policy has changed.
• Please don’t speak to me that way.

Of course, when you feel ready for anything she might do, she will probably do something unexpected—or she might just pile on the meanness. So this may not be your best option.  

You might think about escalating. Maybe chat with your co-workers and bring a formal complaint as a group to your boss’s boss. Best case scenario, she hears the feedback and tries to improve or gets fired. Worst case scenario, she gets a reprimand and then comes back and is way worse.

If you really feel that you can’t take it anymore, and you don’t feel you have it in you to defend yourself, your next option is to get out. With your qualifications, I’ll bet you could get a job coaching for one of the many online weight loss/wellness companies that are popping up like crazy. And they all need qualified professionals. All the coaches work from home, so you wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear or anyone paying attention to your car. It’s a thought. There are also, I’m sure, many other clinics where you might do the kind of work you are doing now. It does sound like you get a great deal of satisfaction helping the underserved who so need your care.

I think dread, like many of the uncomfortable feelings, is a great gift in that it tells you something or someone is more awful than you have admitted to yourself. So your facing this situation head-on is a good first step. Now you are going to have to decide just what you will do to take care of yourself.

You wouldn’t be the first person to leave a job because of a hideous boss. It happens all the time. You can tell who the worst bosses are because they are always complaining about how hard it is to keep good employees.

It is up to you, DGtW. It sounds to me like there may be a really nice boss out there who will feel lucky to have you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Exhaustion is in the air, but you can generate the vitality you need right now.

We need first to understand why we’re all feeling depleted. There are two types of depletion: physical and psychological. We all know the signs of physical depletion and its remedy: take a walk, eat healthy food, do yoga, rest. But if you’ve ever had to drag yourself out of bed, even after a good night’s sleep, it probably has nothing to do with your physical reserves. More likely, your low energy results from your mental state. You are psychologically depleted.

Our psychological well-being depends on the feeling that we have a choice in a situation, are connected with others, and are competent enough to meet the challenges at hand. Consider the current world situation, and it’s no wonder that our choice, connection, and competence feels under siege.

How the Pandemic Limits Choice, Connection, and Competence

The pandemic has challenged our sense of choice. “I have to wear a mask. I have to get a vaccine. I have to work in a virtual team.” Suddenly, it appears that your choices are limited.

But choice is a matter of perception. Some people have struggled during the pandemic, feeling that their freedom is restricted. When this happens, they often react by making questionable choices to restore their sense of control. Other people think, “I can go to the store and wear a mask, or I can choose to stay home and order the item online.”

The pandemic’s effect on connection is obvious. We are in the middle of a global experiment in social distancing. It’s risky to get together in groups. People’s feelings of loneliness are skyrocketing.

As for competence, we’re all in unfamiliar territory filled with new conditions and demands. Competence can be as simple as trying to prevent your glasses from fogging up when you’re wearing a mask. More demanding examples include mastering new technology, homeschooling your kids, and caring for a sick loved one. It is an unrelenting barrage.

The erosion of choice, connection, and competence leads to feeling depleted—your psychological well-being has diminished. But you can restore your sense of choice, connection, and competence and generate much-needed vitality.

You Always Have Choices 

You always have choices—even in the most difficult situations. You may counter that a prisoner doesn’t have options, but that’s incorrect. We can choose how we will respond to any challenge.

Viktor Frankl, a neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor, wrote Man’s Search for Meaning. He shared that when he was in a concentration camp, he felt a surge of energy when he shared his bread—even when he was starving. He would also help someone up if they fell, although the punishment was being whipped. In these dire circumstances, he concluded that nobody could take his autonomy away. That is certainly true for us. We always have a choice.

Mindfulness increases our awareness of the choices we have. If we are weighed down with worry, we’re less likely to see and appreciate the options available to us. Stay in the present. Ask yourself, “What choices do I have at this moment?”

Creating Connection

We are hardwired to connect with others. A great way to feel connected is to volunteer; to contribute to something greater than yourself. Even with social distancing, you can seek out opportunities to help others.

There is overwhelming evidence that helping others is physically and psychologically beneficial. Helping others is helping ourselves. So if you’re feeling disconnected, you can remedy it by participating in something larger than yourself; something that unites people, not divides them.

Connection is also a matter of finding meaning, whatever your circumstances. Meaningful is not a selfish, self-centered, or me-against-the-world attitude. It is about contributing to the greater good. And it’s exhilarating when we do this. The best choices are meaningful choices.

Just a word of caution in our divisive times. Belonging to a tribe that pits one person or group against another or is based on an us-versus-them mentality won’t give you a true sense of connection. It might momentarily fill a void, but it will ultimately leave you empty.

Competence: Be Gentle with Yourself

We need to be gentle with ourselves. The pandemic is a unique situation in our lives, and we’re all stumbling as we navigate the challenges of a new world. We need to give ourselves a break and take a page from SLII®. We are all disillusioned learners (called “D2”) who struggle to master the world around us. We’re at D2 when wearing a mask, getting distracted while working at home, and on and on.

Being at D2 is uncomfortable. (Read our blog on becoming comfortable with this unavoidable phase). Keep in mind that being at D2 is a natural stage of development. With proactive self leadership, you will move through it to attain mastery.

Build Your Psychological Well-being on Choice, Connection, and Competence

Choice, connection, and competence are the building blocks of psychological vitality. And that stimulates physical energy. So the next time you’re feeling sluggish and depleted, consider if your need for choice, connection, or competence is under threat. Then take steps to consider your choices, connect your choices to meaningful values that contribute to the greater good, and appreciate how much you’re learning. You’ll soon be feeling vital.

Dear Madeleine,

My company has recently started offering coaching to all managers at my level. It is optional. I have read what our HR department has posted about it, but they didn’t give much information.

I always thought coaching was for underperformers, but that isn’t how they are selling it. What would I work on with a coach? How would it benefit me? It seems to take a lot of time, which isn’t something I have much of. Maybe you can share some insight?

Coach or No Coach?

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Coach or No Coach,

Well, this is right up my alley, so thanks for that. I think it might be easiest to break the whole thing down into a few points:

• What is coaching
• Why work with a coach
• How to get the most out of coaching
• Questions to ask your HR department about coaching

What Is Coaching

Ask ten people what coaching is and you will get ten different answers. That might explain why your HR department is having trouble expressing the value of it. The International Coaching Federation (ICF—the largest, though not only, global professional association for coaches) defines coaching as:

 “Partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. The process of coaching often unlocks previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity and leadership.”

In our book, Coaching in Organizations, Linda Miller and I defined coaching this way:

“Coaching is a deliberate process using focused conversations to create an environment for individual growth, purposeful action, and sustained improvement. Coaching is a one-on-one process and a relationship between an individual and a coach, with specific objectives and goals focused on developing potential, improving relationships, and enhancing performance. Coaching uses a formalized yet personalized approach that integrates proven techniques for change with behavioral knowledge and hands-on practice. Coaching breaks down barriers to help achieve greater levels of accomplishment. It is a process of self-leadership that enables people to gain clarity about who they are, what they are doing, and why they are doing it.

“The one-on-one coaching relationship is used to:

• Unlock an individual’s potential and maximize his or her performance
• Challenge and aid individuals in taking effective action
• Lead individuals to an understanding of the essence of themselves (their character) to achieve satisfaction”

Professional coaches who work in organizations like yours tend to have a lot of experience working in companies, both as former employees and as coaches. They are adept at dealing with the predictable issues people have at work, which include:

• Managing complexity and multiple priorities
• Time, task, and meeting management
• Leading, managing, and developing others
• Career planning
• Leveraging strengths and mitigating weaknesses
• Developing a growth mindset
• Setting boundaries and creating habits that will ensure personal sustainability and avoid burnout
• Polishing interpersonal communications, managing political situations
• Developing and nurturing a network of relationships

Why Work with a Coach

Coaches can do good work only when clients are ready, willing, and able to devote a little extra time and brain space to their own growth. Coaching isn’t the right thing for everyone, all of the time. It would be a great time to work with a coach if you:

• want to be a better employee
• want to be a more effective manager
• have big career goals but aren’t making the kind of progress you’d like
• want to be more creative, assertive, or organized
• know you could develop more effective work habits
• want more time and space to reflect
• fantasize about having more of a life outside of work
• are frankly dissatisfied with your work life in any way

Many people I have worked with come back for a little while when they get a huge promotion, run into a difficult situation, or need to make a big decision. Working with a good coach will leave you with the ability to self-coach in the future.

Just for the record: it is important to distinguish that coaching isn’t consulting (although the coach might fill knowledge gaps when needed), counseling, or therapy. If you feel you might be struggling with depression, anxiety, or past trauma that is interfering with your ability to be at your best, coaching is not the right professional intervention.

If you feel like everything is absolutely perfect at work, you love everything about your life, and you wouldn’t change a thing, well, good on you! Now is probably not the best time to avail yourself of the opportunity to work with a coach.

Get the Most Out of Coaching

If you decide to go ahead with working with a coach, they will probably tell you this—but I will tell you anyway. You really will want to show up fully, with a beginner’s mind and a growth mindset. This can be defined as: “[when] people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.” Dweck, 2015

You will want to:

• Schedule your appointments, keep your appointments, and protect your coaching time from intrusions.
• Work with your coach to set crystal clear, attainable goals for the coaching. Ask yourself: How will I know the coaching was a success? It is great to really like or even love your coach, but you still want to have something concrete to show for the investment.
• Ask questions. Share any of your doubts, concerns and impressions with your coach.
• Remember that you are the client. Ask for what you want. Tell your coach how to best serve you. If your coach isn’t asking enough questions, is talking too much or too fast, or is doing something that annoys you, tell them immediately! Think of it as designing an alliance with the sole purpose of serving you.
• Be willing to stretch in your commitments throughout your coaching sessions. You know you will have a safe place to process the experience and learn from it.
• Only commit to actions you are sure you will be able to follow through on. Start small and build, rather than shoot for the moon and feel disappointed.
• Be willing to share with colleagues your experience with being coached. The best way to internalize and integrate what you are learning is to talk about it and teach it to others if possible.

Questions to Ask

You will want to ask your HR department some basic questions like:

• Is the coaching confidential? (It should be; however, in most cases, as agents of the organization the coach is obligated to report on things that are out of compliance with company policy, such as sexual harassment, theft, or ethical breaches.)
• What will you, the organization, want to know about what goes on between me and my coach?
• Will I be able to choose my coach? Are all the available coaches certified?
• What if I don’t click with my coach?
• What if I want to keep working with my coach once the contracted time is up?

This should give you a place to start. I know that your time is a precious resource and it can be hard to imagine how making one more commitment will improve things. You might think about simply testing it out. Try doing an intro program for three months. Any decent coach will provide incalculable value from the word go, so if it feels like a waste of your time, either the coach isn’t good or it isn’t the right time for you to work with one.

Use your own judgment based on all of this. If you go ahead with it, I hope it is a brilliant experience for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am senior project manager for a global construction firm. I am one of the very few women in the organization, and wouldn’t you know, my problem is with one of them. She is a peer to me, and we have very different but overlapping roles.

The fundamental problem is that she changes decisions I have made on design and materials, without consulting me, and instructs others on the project not to mention it to me. Some of these people report to me and are thoroughly confused and stressed out about who is in charge. The decisions she changes are not hers to change. Sometimes they are decent, other times not so much. She has a different skill set from me (I have degrees in structural engineering and design, she does not) and she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know.

I need to put the extra work in to change some of her decisions back or risk some real problems. I would be happy to get her input and consider it—she does have good ideas. I have quite literally begged her to stop doing it. She is always very cordial and agreeable, and agrees to stop, but then she does it again.

I have asked our boss to have a meeting with both of us to clarify roles/responsibilities, and he snorts and says, “You guys need to work this stuff (not the s word he uses) out.”  He has referred several times to our conflict as a “catfight.”  It is insulting.

This has been going on for years, and I have just let it roll off my back even though it drives me nuts. The workload is so intense that I figured I should keep my head down and it would work itself out. Boy, was I wrong. It has gone from bad to worse. Things came to a head recently when she changed decisions after the order for a bunch of materials had gone out. So, another order went out and now we have a surplus of materials—and I am being held accountable for the overage on costs. I explained to my boss what happened, and he doesn’t care—it is still my fault, and he is going to dock my annual bonus. I am a single mom and I was depending on that money to pay college tuition.

I see my nemesis and my boss together all the time. They both work at HQ and I am remote on the other side of the country. I don’t know how she has done it, but she has gotten chummy with the old boys’ club that runs the whole company, and she has cowed my entire team into acting like she is my boss. I do suspect that she and my boss are having an affair (they are both married to other people and there is an express rule in the company that people who work together cannot be in relationships). Of course, I have no proof of this. I have complained to HR, but the solution was to get me a coach to help me work on my communication skills. My communication skills have never been an issue in my 25-year career. But it has been useful to use the coaching sessions to vent and find some tactical work-arounds.

 I am at the end of my rope with this situation. Something has to give. I am having revenge fantasies, I am not sleeping, and I am just a total stress case. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Steamrolled

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Steamrolled,

Well, this sounds awful. I am sorry for your terrible stress. It sounds like somehow your nemesis (let’s call her N) has bonded with people in power and is hell bent on edging you out. I think you might have had a chance to nip this in the bud back at the beginning, but once someone who values power over everything else has gotten the sense that they can get away with whatever they want, it is hard to roll it back. That doesn’t help you right now because you can’t change the past. But it might help you in the future to never again allow anyone to get away with this kind of nonsense.

Based on the facts as you laid them out, I think you have three choices in front of you.

1. Fight like hell. Sue for the creation of a hostile work environment. Speak to an attorney and find out what your rights might be, especially since you work in a different state from where HQ is. It wouldn’t surprise me if your company has a provision for complaints that says that forced arbitration in their home state is the automatic first recourse. So, find your employment contract, read it carefully, and make sure you are aware of the laws in the home state. I just attended our company’s mandatory training about the federal and state laws around harassment and it is clear to me that your boss and your HR person have allowed a hostile work environment. Having your bonus docked because of the actions of another person who didn’t consult with you is grounds alone. That is a critical error on your boss’s part. When compensation is affected, the issue becomes much more real and tangible.

I hope you have been documenting incidents, but if not, go back and re-create anything you can and start documenting everything now.

It is also worth noting that if the company is paying your coach, your coach is obligated to escalate to their HR contact your observations about your boss’s abdication of responsibility and the total lack of procedural fairness regarding your bonus. Many coaches are unaware that they are not protected by client/professional privilege, and your coach is putting themself at risk. The fact that neither the coach nor the HR contact has taken any steps to help you is a factor in your favor, because it sounds like the people in the organization who are tasked with maintaining a fair workplace have also abdicated. That is not unusual.

One caveat on this: Be aware that if there were an investigation, even your own team might not tell the truth because it would put their jobs at risk.

This choice will be exhausting and expensive, but there is a good chance your company would settle to make the whole thing go away. Companies who are still operating with an old boys’ club mentality tend to do that—it is amazing how many lawsuits companies manage to absorb to avoid changing their culture. It is a long shot, but a settlement would certainly help with college tuition.

2. Get out as quickly as you can. Contact some high-quality executive search firms and get yourself another job. Companies are desperate for highly skilled talent, and I can’t believe you wouldn’t find something great for yourself. It would be admitting defeat, which takes a lot of grace. It would probably not be satisfying to someone having revenge fantasies, but it is the most adult thing to do. It’s also the most expedient thing to do because it sounds like N has gained control of the narrative here and has the relationships.

You could do a combination of #1 and #2—get another job and then sue. It really all depends on how much energy you have to devote to revenge. I say move on and find a way to let it all go, because as has been noted by many (attribution is varied), “harboring resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.”

3. Just roll with it. Okay, this really isn’t a choice, but plenty of people do it. It is actually a recipe for a serious health problem. The toxic combination of responsibility without authority famously contributes to cardiac events, metabolic disturbances (like diabetes), and degraded immune systems. So as stressful as the other two options may seem, this is the one that could kill you.

You might wonder why I am not suggesting that you try again to get your boss and N to work with you to hash this out. Normally, this is what I would advise. The reason I don’t now is because you already seem to have tried everything. You might take one more crack at having a conversation—using some of the techniques laid out in this past post. You could ask your HR contact to set up mediation with a professional mediator, and demand that she be present at the meetings. But it sounds like your HR contact is asleep at the wheel or just straight up incompetent. It really does appear that you are on your own, my friend.

So, seriously?  Get out. Now. With your skills and experience you will get snapped up immediately. Get out there and get yourself another job. You won’t regret it. Your confidence has been shaken but you can get it back. Just let N win and save your sanity.

Is it fair? No.

Is it right? No.

It is just another day stewing in the human condition.

Remember that N has to wake up every day with herself—a power obsessed, lying cheater. She is sowing the seeds of her own destiny, which won’t go well in the long run.

Make 2022 the year you save your own life. You will be so happy you did.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

A few weeks ago, my colleague Doug Glener wrote a blog regarding the results from our company’s recent survey that involved more than 800 L&D executives, managers, and specialists. We asked them about the biggest challenges they face in designing training for hybrid workers in 2022. We were able to break down their answers into three main themes:

• People are overloaded, tired, and “too busy to learn.”
• It’s getting more difficult to maintain interpersonal connections.
• Virtual/digital designs need to be more effective and engaging.

We know learning and development professionals everywhere have been working hard to address each of these challenges. Thousands of other folks continue the struggle of trying to help their organization recover in different ways from the damage caused by the pandemic. It can be tough to keep a positive attitude.

I was fortunate to work with the late, great Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, author of the mega-bestselling book The Power of Positive Thinking, when he was my coauthor on The Power of Ethical Management. In the book, we introduced five core principles of power that can be easily applied by anyone struggling to cope with today’s world.

Review Your Purpose

The best way to keep yourself on track when facing a problem or challenge is to review your purpose. A person’s life purpose is not the same as a goal—goals have a beginning and an end. Your purpose is ongoing. It keeps you motivated because it’s the life ideal you strive for—your “why.” As an example, my personal life purpose is: “To be a loving teacher and example of simple truths who helps and motivates myself and others to awaken to the presence of God in our lives, so we realize we are here to serve rather than to be served.”

An organization’s purpose is its vision, which is communicated from executive leadership. As I often say, leadership is about going somewhere. Organizations that have a clear and compelling vision know where they are going and how to get there. And people who know their life’s purpose have a reason for staying the course when things get tough. 

(By the way, if you don’t have a life purpose and want to create one, check out my blog post Writing Your Personal Life Purpose.)

Take Pride in Your Accomplishments

My definition of pride isn’t about having a big ego. It’s about believing in yourself and your abilities. It’s the sense of satisfaction you get from a job well done. It’s also the healthy self-esteem you feel when you aim high but are still aware that things may not always go the way you expect. When you believe in yourself, you have the strength to get up and get going again after you fall. And you can help your colleagues develop better feelings about themselves by catching them doing things right and praising their progress.

Cultivate Patience

Since the onset of the pandemic, I’m pretty sure we all know what patience feels like! It’s important to develop the capacity to accept, or at least tolerate, negative and unforeseen aspects of life and work. It’s about trusting that your values and beliefs will prevail in the long term—and that when you give your best effort and do the right thing, even if things are difficult right now, your struggles will pay off in the long run.

Be Persistent

Patience and persistence go hand in hand. Patience can help you get through difficult times, but persistence is essential if you want to keep moving forward toward goal accomplishment. Persistence also keeps you focused on your purpose no matter what is happening around you. It’s about having faith in yourself, honoring commitments, staying the course, keeping your eye on the finish line, and knowing things will get better.

Gaining Some Perspective

Perspective is the most significant of the five principles. It’s the ability to see what is truly important in any given situation. When you lack perspective, you can start feeling and believing that your problems are far more serious than they really are. On the other hand, people who have a good perspective on life can maintain a healthy balance about what is important and what is not.

Gaining perspective can be as simple as taking time every day to assess and reflect on what’s going on in your life and work. You can do it when you first get up, just before going to sleep, or any other time that works for you. Some people pray, others meditate, some write in a journal, some read inspirational quotes. Others practice yoga, listen to classical music, or go for a walk. You can even do a combination of several of these things. There’s no one best way—whatever works for you to quiet your mind and bring you into a reflective state.

I would never attempt to downplay the challenges everyone is facing these days. All I can offer is hope and a few strategies to help you maintain a positive outlook as we all move forward together through this strange time in our lives. So give yourself the gift of reviewing your purpose, taking pride in your accomplishments, cultivating patience, being persistent, and gaining some perspective. It can’t hurt—and I hope it helps!

Dear Madeleine,

I am going to start a role in a new team soon. I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to seem confident and establish credibility.

I am on the younger side and I am not a very confident person to begin with. In my previous roles, I noticed that some people started talking down to me—for example, explaining things I already know or even taking credit for my work. I once told someone some ideas I had and during the next meeting, before it was my turn to talk, he shared all of my ideas as if they were his.

Do you have any suggestions on what I could do to avoid these situations? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Starting a New Role

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Starting a New Role,

Congratulations on your new role. Your question shows that you are a planner and that you are thoughtful—two strengths you have going for you. Your description of your previous experiences reveals that you are observant, which is another strength. The fact that you were once undermined by a co-worker who had no compunction about stealing your ideas and sharing them as his own is painful—but excellent—experience. I hope it taught you not to trust anyone until you have evidence that they are trustworthy.

A lot of appearing confident when you aren’t is physical. This means standing up straight, smiling and making eye contact with everyone you engage with, and maintaining stillness. Women, especially, tend to play with their hair, touch their face, or fidget with their accessories—a bag, jewelry, a phone. So don’t do any of those things. To keep yourself from movements that may signal discomfort, keep your hands loosely together in your lap or on a table and breathe.

If you feel yourself getting overly stressed, try two-to-one breathing: simply breathe in for three counts, hold for one count, and release the breath for six counts. Repeat. Or you can do two and four counts—whatever works for you. The research shows that this kind of breathing enables your parasympathetic nervous system to calm you down in a way that deep breathing doesn’t. And no one has to know you are doing it. Another benefit is that the counting occupies your mind and makes you appear alert and interested.

I would refer you to the work of Amy Cuddy, who wrote an entire book on Presence—and how the way you hold your body can actually change your brain, how you feel, and how others perceive you. Her research has been challenged—but I will tell you that I have experimented personally with her methods and they help.

I learned another technique from the autobiography of Laurence Olivier (the most famous actor of his day), where he describes how he suffered from almost paralyzing stage fright at the height of his success. The method he found that helped him overcome it was to feel the soles of his feet on the ground. I know that sounds weird, but I have had plenty of stage fright myself and it has worked. It literally gets you out of your head and back into your body.

The physical stuff is your first line of defense. The next step is to manage what goes on in your head. This is where your strengths will really help you. Use your powers of observation. Instead of second-guessing yourself, pay attention to others. Ask yourself what is important to each of the people you are interacting with.  How do they think? What are their strengths? The more you pay attention to others, the less attention you will pay to whatever doubts you may have about yourself. The more information you gather about everyone you work with, the more you will be able to tailor your communication when you interact with them.

Credibility will come with delivering the results that are required of you. So do everything you can to first get crystal clear on what your boss and teammates are expecting from you—and then deliver. Make sure to follow through on any commitment you make, and only make promises you know you can keep. Ideas are all fine and well, but execution trumps pretty much everything.

Don’t worry about what to say. It is better to keep your mouth shut until you have something to say that you are 100% sure of. And when you are ready to say something, state your position and how you came to it. Straightforward, simple, and to the point. If you must speak in meetings, again, keep it simple and to the point. And of course, you already know how to not share your ideas with anyone until you know you can trust that they won’t take credit for them.

I would question your assertion that people telling you things you already know is the same as them talking down to you. It’s possible these people are just trying to be helpful. I guess my point here is that you don’t need to make assumptions about people’s intentions. If people are telling you things you already know, all you have to do is smile and say “thank you.” If people are offering help you don’t need, all you have to do is say “thanks, I’m all set.” It doesn’t hurt to cultivate relationships with people who want to help you. We all need all the help we can get! Nobody reaches their goals or achieves their dreams by themselves.

Pay attention, take notes, deliver on expectations. Stand up straight, keep your hands still, and breathe. Trust no one until you know they can be trusted.

You are going to be great.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Have you noticed that some people in your organization can be counted on in critical situations to consistently deliver a stellar performance? These people seem to play the game at a higher level. Liz Wiseman calls them Impact Players. In her latest book, Impact Players: How to Take the Lead, Play Bigger, and Multiply Your Impact, Wiseman explains what these people are doing differently to offer peak performance.

Based on the kind of extensive research we’ve come to expect from Wiseman, she identifies five ways Impact Players are different from other people.

1. While others do their job, Impact Players figure out the real job to be done.
2. While others wait for direction, Impact Players step up and lead.
3. While others escalate problems, Impact Players move results across the finish line.
4. While others attempt to minimize change, Impact Players learn and adapt to change.
5. While others add to the load, Impact Players make heavy demands feel lighter.

Furthermore, Wiseman reports that when leaders offer a little coaching, all employees can develop the mindset they need to begin to contribute their best. The book includes 25 stories of top performers in action that will inspire you—and make Wiseman’s book impossible to put down.

For more information about Liz Wiseman, visit www.thewisemangroup.com

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Liz Wiseman, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today.

Do you ever feel like you just need a minute? A minute to yourself—between calls, Zoom meetings, and appointments—to catch your breath? Juliet Funt believes giving ourselves permission to take that minute might just be the element that’s missing in our lives right now. In her new book, A Minute to Think: Reclaim Creativity, Conquer Busyness, and Do Your Best Work, Funt offers readers a framework and specific direction for taking control of their time.

Funt claims the global workforce of today is so fried that it belongs in the food court of a county fair! She argues that three a.m. insomnia should not be the only time we have to think. We must all learn to create white space in our calendars—time not only for a meal away from the desk and a bio break, but also a few minutes to breathe, look around, and move. Just like a fire needs space between the combustibles to ignite and keep burning, the human body needs space to fortify and sustain itself.

Funt provides tips for regaining control of your workday, liberating yourself from busywork, reclaiming creativity and focus, taming the beast that is email, escaping the mire of meetings, and finding your precious minute to think. Based on years of research and client work, she shares stories of people just like you and me who didn’t think they could get things under control again—but have.

For more information about Juliet Funt, visit www.julietfunt.com

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Juliet Funt, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today.

It’s a common workplace belief: You should be able to handle anything that lands on your desk.

The specifics don’t matter. You’re a professional and you can tackle the challenge, no matter how long you’ve been at a job. Admitting you need help in a competitive work environment can be career suicide.

But this belief ignores reality.

Let’s start with new hires. According to Training Industry Quarterly, a new hire will need one to two years to become “fully productive.”[1]

So anyone who’s been at a job for less than 24 months is almost guaranteed to struggle at times.

Longevity at a job also doesn’t make one immune to needing help. The increasing pace of change almost guarantees that knowledge and skills will quickly become obsolete. Here’s what McKinsey & Company said about the steamroller of change: “Compared with the Industrial Revolution, we estimate that […] change is happening ten times faster and at 300 times the scale, or roughly 3,000 times the impact.”[2] 

Then there’s the speed at which knowledge accumulates. The amount of knowledge doubled about every 100 years, until 1945, when it started to double every 25 years. It now doubles every 13 months and will double every 12 hours once the Internet of Things becomes widespread.[3]^,[4]

What about the 10,000-hour rule (the amount of practice needed to reach mastery)?

The 10,000-hour rule has been misrepresented. According to researchers, the rule may be a predictor of success for activities with fixed rules (like chess). But it falls apart when applied to entrepreneurship and artistic endeavors.[5]

These facts are not meant to be discouraging, but they do reveal an important truth:

Being able to learn and grow is essential for success.

SLII®, the world’s most taught leadership development solution, recognizes that organizations and teams succeed as people get what they need to grow, learn, and succeed. It categorizes our capability for a given task into four categories:

• D1—Enthusiastic Beginner. We’re usually at D1 when we’re starting to learn something new. Remember how you couldn’t wait to ride a bike?
• D2—Disillusioned Learner. We inevitably discover that what we’re trying to learn is harder than we first thought. Pedaling, steering, and keeping your balance is trickier than you thought.
• D3—Capable, but Cautious, Contributor. We need to build our confidence in using the new skill. You can now ride around the block, but your first outing to a crowded park is a bit intimidating.
• D4—Self-Reliant Achiever. You’re highly competent at a task and committed to doing an excellent job. Now you can help your younger sibling learn to ride.

When someone asks you to do something at work and you freeze, you may be at D2 at the task.

People at D2 often feel anxious and neglected. They may think their progress is slow and they’re not getting the help they need. It’s such a lousy feeling that it can make people want to give up on the tasks and even quit their jobs.

But there’s help ahead. Here are some tips for not getting stuck in the D2 rut.

• Know when you’re feeling you’re at D2. Doing this can take the edge off and the discomfort out of the situation. A good leader who knows SLII will understand this and give you the support and direction you need.

• Minimize the power of D2 by knowing it is a natural stage of development. It will pass and you will eventually attain mastery.

• Know that your colleagues are going through these stages. It can be helpful to recognize that everyone is having a similar experience. You are not alone.

• Remember your past successes. Think of the many times when you’ve felt you were at D2 and how you overcame those challenges.

• Celebrate being at D2. It means you’re learning and growing. That’s hard work—you’re rewiring your neural network. But your effort will result in a better you.

We sometimes hear our clients say, “We hire only those at D4.” Given the unrelenting pace of change, that strategy seems quaint. Everyone is going to be at D2 at something. It is unavoidable.

The ability to learn and grow is a skill required for success. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable—the D2 dip—is the best way to survive and soar.

Editor’s Note: To learn more about helping others grow and succeed in today’s changing work environment, be sure to download the new eBook, Turning New Hires into Top Performers… Quickly. It’s free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

[1] https://www.nxtbook.com/nxtbooks/trainingindustry/tiq_2012winter/index.php?startid=40#/p/40

[2] https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/strategy-and-corporate-finance/our-insights/the-four-global-forces-breaking-all-the-trends

[3] http://www.ega.edu/images/uploads/College_Readiness_Tour_February_2015.pdf

[4] https://lodestarsolutions.com/keeping-up-with-the-surge-of-information-and-human-knowledge/

[5] https://www.businessinsider.com/new-study-destroys-malcolm-gladwells-10000-rule-2014-7

Dear Madeleine,

I am a smart woman with an impeccable work ethic. I get more done in less time that just about anyone I know. The “Exceeds Expectations” box is checked on nearly every dimension of my performance reviews over the last few cycles.

I have been a director in my company for a few years now, and last month I did not get the promotion to AVP that I expected. It is a running joke in the organization that we have so many AVP’s—as in, you have to really not be delivering if you don’t get there in a few years. That is certainly not the case for me, so I finally cornered my boss for an explanation.

He was obviously worried that he might say something wrong, so he beat around the bush for a while. But what I finally got is that apparently I am perceived as too young, bright-eyed, and enthusiastic—and I lack “gravitas.” I had to look it up. To be fair, I am young and I look even younger than I am. I am super extroverted, love connecting with people, and have been called “vivacious.” My friend group nickname for me is “Bubbles.”

I tried to get my boss to tell me what I should change to be considered for a promotion, but he didn’t have much to say about that. He just kept saying “You need to work on your executive presence.”

Where do I start?

Bubbles

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Dear Bubbles,

I want a friend named Bubbles. How delightful you sound. I am sorry that your assets (looking young, having so much energy, being enthusiastic) are working against you achieving your career goals. It tends to be the case that our greatest gifts can have a dark side. I feel bad for your boss, hapless as he is, because this kind of feedback can feel so personal. Since some of it might be connected to your being female, it could also get him in hot water with HR. So he has left you to figure it out on your own. That is pretty common.

Gravitas, according to Merriam-Webster, means: high seriousness (as in a person’s bearing or in the treatment of a subject). Oxford says: dignity, seriousness, or solemnity of manner. Essentially, people with gravitas are seen as expert, experienced, believable, steady, and trustworthy. I have experienced women getting the “gravitas” feedback quite a few times. And yes, it does always seem to be women. Although God forbid that a woman be perceived as dour, humorless, or a party pooper.

I’d love to say “Go ahead and continue to be your authentic self—your brilliance and work ethic will eventually speak for themselves,” but I would be doing you a disservice. Perception of others is not necessarily a true reality, but it is nevertheless a reality, and it is keeping you from getting what you want and deserve. There may be some value in making the effort to shift it. Not in trying to change your nature—I would never wish that on you, and it usually doesn’t work anyway—but in consciously managing your behaviors at work to shift others’ perception of you.

The key is to identify behaviors that make you seem young, overeager, impulsive, or somehow not serious. Ask your partner and your wonderful friends “What do I do that makes me seem young, or not serious, or not believable, or downright annoying?” Promise them you won’t get mad. Your feelings might get hurt a little—but better to know now, don’t you think? It could be very illuminating.

Now choose a few behaviors you think you might be able to notice and stop. Start with one:

1. Notice when you do it.
2. Pay attention to peoples’ reactions.
3. Wonder: What might I do differently? How might I express my opinion, thought, excitement with a little less—bubbliness?
4. Consider what is the shift—from what to what. See some examples below.
5. Try on a new way. You will fail. You will forget. Keep it up and notice how the reaction of others changes.

Once you get a good hold on one behavior, move down your list.

I can rely only on my own perceptions of people who lack gravitas to give you examples of potential shifts. Maybe some of these will resonate.

Here’s the thing, Bubbles—the silver lining of this situation is that it won’t last forever. The beauty of age is that you will gain the benefits of everything you have learned and achieved, and no one will dismiss you for being too young. And when you are the boss, you can still rely on your good behavior habits but allow yourself a little more leeway. You can wear the funkiest glasses you can find. You can guffaw. You can show your tattoos. You can be completely and unapologetically yourself. You will get there—age leaves no one behind. And until you do, direct people’s attention to what matters most about you—your intelligence, your work ethic, your commitment to excellence, and your knowledge and skills.

Effervesce all you want with your friends and family. Fizz away with pals at work who already “get” you, on breaks, offline.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a small not for profit.  We are past the startup phase and we were hitting a stride, but then we had some big setbacks before our big summer season and all my people are melting down. I spend my day moving from crisis to crisis (in between talking people off the ledge).

I have been super busy getting us more help, but the new people need to get up to speed and it takes time.  I find myself snapping at colleagues and family members, and some days I just feel like walking away. 

I keep thinking, “I just have to get through this week,” but then the hard weeks just keep on coming.

How do other leaders do it?  There must be a way to manage this much stress. 

Burnt to a Crisp

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Dear Burnt to a Crisp,

When my daughter was in high school, she was talking with one her teachers about “getting through” a difficult patch and her teacher said, “Don’t wish your life away.” That really stayed with both of us. We still bring it up and remind ourselves when one of us is in the state you are describing. 

There always seems to be a fantasy that it’s going to get better—conditions will lighten up, things will go more smoothly, and problems will become easier to solve. 

But life just doesn’t work that way.  Okay, to be fair, I do know some people who have retired and do, as they like to quote, “whatever they want, whenever they want, all the time.”  But it isn’t going to help you to just try to hold your breath until you retire.  Anyone who is focused on achieving a goal—and yours sounds like a big one—is going to find themselves up against it on a regular basis.  It goes with the territory. And don’t think I am going to advise you about work/life balance. Forget about work/life balance. There is no such thing. That’s just another weapon for overachievers to beat themselves up with. 

What you need is your own Personal Sustainability Program. To build your own personal program, you can choose from some of these options, and any others that our readers might share in the comments.

• Cry Uncle: When there is simply too much to do—on your own list or one of your people’s—decide what isn’t as urgent as all the other stuff.  What can wait until tomorrow or next week? Defer tasks that can be deferred, even it inconveniences or disappoints someone.  Make sure to communicate if a commitment is being broken, to manage expectations.  People—all people, including you—can only do so much and no more. 
• Get Support: Talk to your family and ask for grace when you are snappy.  Ask for more help from them if they can give it.  Hire a coach, call a board member, and hit up your best friends so you can vent and problem solve in a safe space. 
• Take Care of Yourself First: Find the one thing that you know will keep you on an even keel and do it come hell or high water.  Your dance class, yoga, meditation, walking, listening to music, playing golf, whatever it is that will keep your head from blowing off.  Experiment with how much of it you need to stay stable—maybe it is two times a week, maybe it is seven times.  Whatever it is, make it non-negotiable.  I learned early on that hardcore exercise was my antidote to anxiety and I never don’t do it.  When my son was about three, he would stand at the window with tears streaming down his face every time I left the house to go my exercise class.  I felt like a terrible mother but also knew I would actually be a terrible mother without the class.  So off I went.  He is 29 today and doesn’t appear to have sustained too much psychological damage.  One of the industry’s finest coaches, Shirley Anderson—who was my coach for four critical years when I was getting my first coaching business off the ground—coined the term “extreme self-care.”  It is extreme not because it takes so much time or involves anything crazy, but because just the concept of taking care of oneself so one can take proper care of others can feel so extremely counterintuitive.
• Practice Mindfulness: Stress is a habit.  Treating everything like a crisis becomes habitual.  Cut it out.  Practicing mindfulness can help. It isn’t that complicated. It just means being curious and paying attention to our own thoughts and emotions without judgment.  For example, when you are feeling spun up, you might notice it and think, Hmm, isn’t that interesting, I am getting more and more anxious. I wonder what is going on.  Noticing when you are reacting to something in a way that doesn’t really make sense is a good first step toward mindfulness. 
• Breathe: There is amazing new research that shows that just taking deep breaths may feel good, but it doesn’t actually calm the nervous system down.  There is a very straightforward, simple way to do that with breathing, though.  It is called Two to One Breathing. You simply breathe in for three counts, hold for one count, and release the breath on a six count.  Repeat.  Or you can do two and four counts—whatever works for you.  I have been experimenting with it, and it really works!  One client mentioned that one of her regular meetings starts with that kind of breathing. Everyone feels better, and the meetings are more productive as a result. You might try doing it with your people when they are stressing out.
• Get Perspective: When all else fails, you can remind yourself that this too shall pass, things will calm down, people will stabilize, and no one will die today because you didn’t get to everything on your list. 

I am pretty sure I am not telling you anything you don’t already know, but, as with many things, there can be a big gap between knowing and doing. A wonderful coaching question to ask yourself might be: whose permission do you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself?  I hope the question makes you smile, because you know who the boss is, and whose permission you need.

So, give yourself permission to be a human being and choose one thing—just one—to commit to, and do it.  I guarantee that you will notice a big difference in your ability to manage the stress, the crisis, and the constant busyness. 

Breathe. Three counts in, hold one, six counts out. 

You’ve got this.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a scrappy startup that offers a system for weight loss and coaching. It’s for folks who need extra help losing and maintaining their weight and who want a healthier lifestyle. All of the interaction is over text, with some notes being automated to offer specific messages at different points in the program. The service is good, we are helping a lot of people, and I am proud of what we do.

I manage a team of 20 coaches. All have been carefully selected and have received a ton of training. My problem is the owners of the company are constantly trying to cut costs. They keep making decisions that impact the quality of the service and cause my coaches to have to work far more hours than they are supposed to. They are paid by the hour and aren’t paid overtime—but it isn’t humanly possible for them to do what they are supposed to do in the allotted time.

The owners don’t share the financials with us, but I can do math, so I have a sense of what is going on. It is clear they are making bad decisions to amplify profits.

The most recent situation is a perfect example. Several of my coaches put in for and were confirmed for time off this summer, but the plan that has been put into place is absurd: When coaches take vacation, they are not tell any of their clients. The automated messages will go out and when individuals do interact by text, a back-up team will handle all communication. The idea was fine, but it turns out that vacations weren’t coordinated between team leaders so we have a lot of coaches out at the same time. The back-up team is far too small—and some of them, it turns out, work only part time.

My coaches who are on vacation are freaking out. They are getting messages from clients who are upset that no one has replied to them. Some are jumping in and doing the work because they are worried their clients will complain about them and they will get bad reviews or even lose their jobs. I have raised the issue with the owners, who, true to form, seem unconcerned.

Some of our coaching is about having good boundaries and taking care of oneself so stress and resentment don’t turn into emotional or stress eating. It is really bothering me that my coaches aren’t getting their vacation time.

I don’t believe the owners of this company really care about our customers or our employees. I feel like a hypocrite continuing to work here. I would appreciate your view on this.

Stressing

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stressing,

Of course, I do have a view on this. But, honestly, you could just read your own letter out loud to yourself and have all the answers you need.

I don’t fault the owners for wanting to make money—that is the point of being in business, after all. However, the problem here is that if they keep up the corner cutting, they won’t be in business much longer. The weight loss/wellness space is exploding and the competition is brutal. The only way to survive is to be better than the other companies. Lying to customers (!), taking advantage of employees, and poor planning do not bode well for long-term success. Feeling hypocritical is fair—and unpleasant. But lack of confidence in the management of the company might be an even bigger concern.

I’ll bet you could find another similar job elsewhere, with an employer that values their people and has figured out how to run their business. You would be a role model for being proactive, having integrity, and taking care of yourself.

As you look around for another gig, of course, do try to talk to your employers. I imagine they will lose customers just from this last vacation debacle, and maybe they will pay attention to the holes in the systems once the dust settles from this mess.

Honor your instincts that something is wrong in the business, and that you know unsustainable business practices when you see them.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of project and program managers responsible for keeping software implementations on track for a global company. I have five regional directors, each of whom manage about fifteen individual service representatives.

The frontline folks are highly skilled—their jobs require a lot of technical experience and real expertise. They are dedicated and hard working. The problem is that as our sales have taken off, no one seems to understand how much the volume of work has increased for my group.

My people are all working way too much and at all hours, because so many of our customers have teams in multiple time zones. A rep might have a 4:00 a.m. call, work all day, and then have another call at 9:00 p.m. It’s just too much. Things are falling through the cracks and we are not able to return some help calls in the prescribed short time frame. Salespeople are getting upset and accusing my folks of not being on top of things.

I think we need to revisit job design and fine-tune how we deal with the time zone situation, including hiring more people in more time zones. I have been researching how other companies are dealing with this and I have some good ideas.

My EVP’s idea is to roll out customer service training to all frontline professionals. That is the last thing they need as they are very service oriented. There is only so much one person can do. I think if we try to get our people to attend customer service training, they will revolt and quit. My EVP doesn’t get it.

I am a quiet person and get very nervous when I need to negotiate and take a stand for my point of view, which is what I know I need to do. I just don’t know if I can. What do you suggest?

Need to Negotiate

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Need to Negotiate,

It sounds like you truly care about your people and understand your business. I understand how intimidating it can be to have to push back on your boss and make your case for a different approach.

You are right that asking your people to go through service training instead of redesigning systems to make their workload more manageable will not get the results your EVP is looking for. I know exactly what you mean, having had the experience of doing coaching skills training for overwhelmed groups who literally walked out because the training was so beside the point for them.

So, yeah, you do have to take a stand. Losing your skilled people would be disastrous for you and for the folks who remain!

Your first line of defense is data. Your EVP needs to understand the toll of the “24/7 Always On” situation. It is not sustainable. I’ll bet you have kept very good records of how much and when your folks are delivering to clients. The more you can clearly demonstrate the reality of what is going on, the more effective your negotiations will be. Use your data analytics to paint the picture in a way your boss can clearly understand. To do that, think about what language your boss speaks most easily. Some people speak Excel (just numbers), some speak Word (numbers with anecdotal evidence), and some speak PowerPoint (graphs and visuals).

Next, write up your ideas about job redesign. Present your two best options and compare the cost of each to the cost of irrelevant training. Be clear about where the ideas came from and be ready with evidence to support your assertions. Having everything down on paper, well thought out, and presented in a way your EVP can understand will give you a lot of confidence.

Nervousness can often be alleviated with proper preparation. Trying to make your case without all your ducks in a row would not be effective. Get your presentation together and practice it, preferably with another person or persons. Give your practice audience questions to ask and encourage them to ask other questions that occur to them so you are prepared for something that might come out of left field.

You can lean on how much you care about your people to help you overcome your nerves, too. Remember: this is about them, not about you.

Senior executives know what you are thinking only if you tell them—and it is your job to prevent disaster here. Nobody will appreciate an “I told you so” after the fact. So practice saying “this is my position on this, and here is how I got to it.” I am not saying this will guarantee success, but at least you will have given it your best shot.

If you really want to sharpen your negotiating skills long term, my new favorite book on that topic is Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference. I have been testing out some of his simple but effective techniques and I’m very intrigued. His material may not immediately make you a crack hostage negotiator (at least it hasn’t happened for me yet), but it could be a start.

This is your chance to lead. A lot of quiet folks think their predisposition to introversion will work against them, but I have not experienced that to be true. Yes, you have to work on your confidence. But you are well positioned to prepare with unimpeachable analysis and to take courage from your purpose to properly care for your people.

I’m betting you can.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am sixty years old and really love my work. I have had a long and varied career and had hoped to get another decade in before retiring. The institution I worked for closed down for good last year because of COVID. Since then, I have sent out 72 cover letters and resumes. (I have kept track, just in case you think I am exaggerating.)

I have been to the final interview stage three times—in one case, it was a seven-hour Zoom panel interview. Still nothing. I have also received radio silence after three or four in-depth interviews. I can’t figure out what is going on. Maybe I am overqualified—or are people seeing me as just too old?

I have enough savings to get me through until my social security kicks in, but that would be tight and I really want to work. All I hear is that businesses can’t find employees, and here I am, desperate to work.

I just don’t know what to do. I am getting really blue about this. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Discouraged

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Discouraged,

Hi! Boy, this really does sound disheartening. A couple of caveats first. I am not technically qualified as a career coach or counselor, so this is just me using common sense and coaching principles. Perhaps a qualified career counselor will have some good advice to add in the comments.

I don’t know what industry you are in, so I am a little in the dark—but my first thought was DON’T GIVE UP. Just don’t. The perfect job is out there waiting for you and if you give up, it won’t find you.

Here are some other thoughts:

Involve your network: Does every single person you know know that you are looking for a job? Everyone you have ever worked with? Friends of friends? The wider the circle of folks who know you are looking, the better the chance of a lead coming your way. Make sure your social media profiles are up to date and follow places you might get hired. Get on LinkedIn, respond to posts, and follow interesting feeds.

Refine your presentation: Your resume is sparking interest, so that’s great. It sounds like you might be doing or saying something in your interviews that is not working for you. Maybe record your next few Zoom interviews so you can watch them and see. Maybe have a friend take a look. There is nothing quite like watching yourself on video to notice something you might not catch otherwise. I hate watching myself on video, but boy, it sure is eye opening.

Your frustration at how long and hard your search has taken might be bleeding into the way you are showing up. Who could blame you? But you can’t let that happen. It won’t attract what you want.

Have you gone back to the places where you got to the final interview stage and asked for feedback? You may very well be perceived as overqualified, but you won’t know until you ask. I am always a little surprised when people we don’t hire don’t ask for feedback. I think it is the least hiring managers can do for folks who have invested a lot of time. It’s almost never personal—often more related to fit than anything else.

When you know you have an interview lined up, maybe do more research on the company—their values, their strategic goals—and shape your answers so it is clear you have done your research.

You now know what the questions are. Maybe have a friend conduct a mock interview with you and really tighten and sharpen your responses.

Stay active and involved: Everywhere I go I see Help Wanted signs, so I wonder if you might not consider just getting a job until your dream job appears, just to get you out of the house and doing something, bringing in a little cash. Volunteer, wait tables, work retail, post on Task Rabbit to put IKEA furniture together (my daughter did that her first couple of years out of college, it is her super-power) – anything to just get some movement and not be stuck at home, staring at your computer screen.

I am just shocked that people wouldn’t even send you an email or something after so many interviews. That just seems rude to me. But you can’t let it get you down. Okay, you can let it get you down,  but don’t let it stop you. Just don’t quit! That is recipe for depression.

Good luck to you!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a compliance and risk group for a large regional credit union. We have a new CEO—I’ll call him “K.” K was our organization’s CFO for several years before he was named CEO, so I know him well. We have always had a good relationship.

K has been in the CEO position about nine months now, and things are in total chaos. He throws out ultimatums that he subsequently forgets about. He moved an entire HR function to marketing in a move that has mystified everyone—especially the head of marketing, who has zero HR experience. A couple of our HR leaders resigned in protest.

Several big initiatives that are supposed to be collaborations between finance, HR, and my department are at a standstill because no one knows who is in charge of what. Every day is a new fire drill with critical tasks that either have been done incorrectly or simply didn’t get done.

Every time I meet with K, he adds entire functions to my group with no extra headcount. My people are already maxed out. To get extra heads, I am supposed to make a business case with full financial scenario plans. It is not my strength to do that kind of thing, and it takes me hours.

In the past, K always trusted my judgment when I needed more help, but now he just puts roadblocks in my way. I am behind on critical deadlines and my people are behind because they have been given too much to do. K only finds fault, and routinely spouts variations on “someone could lose their job over this mess-up.” In the meantime, every time he catches me in my office working late, he tells me I work too hard and I should go home. How can I tell him I could stop working so hard if he stopped wreaking havoc?

I am barely staying afloat here. Help?

At Wits’ End

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Dear At Wits’ End,

Well, this sounds stressful. I’m sorry.

Here is the thing. Your CEO probably assumes his executive team will push back on him. He is depending on you to tell him when you can do no more. So you have to tell him. If he insists and is unreasonable, then do what you can. But the more you suffer in silence, the less he knows.

You simply have to stand up for yourself. And your team.

He used to trust your judgment. I think it is fair to remind him of that. Tell him you need help now and don’t have time to build extensive business cases for each position request. Do a sticky note calculation of the cost of being understaffed—including having to replace you. Be kind and clear, but speak up. It’s time.

In terms of getting clarity with your peers about who is in charge of what, you have a classic case of everyone being accountable—which means no one is really paying attention. I suggest you meet with your fellow leaders and hash out exactly who is in charge of what. That isn’t really your CEO’s job, so you guys need to get it together.

There is an oldie but goodie management tool called a RACI Matrix—the letters stand for responsible, accountable, consulted, and informed. You can use this model to think through and assign exactly where the buck stops on any given project, who is held accountable for what tasks and deliverables, who needs to be consulted or tapped for parts and pieces, and who needs to be kept informed of any changes or developments. It seems glaringly obvious, but when you start getting into the nitty gritty it becomes clear that no one person sees it the way the others do. This is a way to have everyone—literally—get on the same page.

It would be a good idea to have someone facilitate who really knows what they are doing; a person from learning and development or training, or an outside consultant. If you can’t find someone, you may need to do it yourself or ask one of your counterparts. However you do it, driving for role clarity will help you with your stress level.

It sounds as strange as can be that HR was moved to marketing. This is not a common experiment as far as I can tell, and I am working in multiple organizations at any given time. I am flummoxed by it and will have to get back to you after I ask around a little. I’d love to hear what readers have to say in the comments if they have any insight on that one.

If you hadn’t had a good relationship with your CEO before, I would be more worried for you. But you did—and if you put yourself in his shoes, you might see that he really is depending on his executive team to keep him from messing things up too badly his first year. Make sure he knows you have his best interests at heart, but be clear that things can’t go on the way they have been going. In the worst case scenario, you still have a board you can go to, presumably; but I hope it won’t come to that.

This is a call for you to step up as an executive leader. It requires strength, courage, and grit. There is a lot to lose here, not the least of which is your sanity. But if not you, who?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

As one of the first female F-14 Tomcat fighter pilots in the US Navy, Carey Lohrenz knows all about pressure. During her intense training, she learned critical lessons about navigating in the most demanding, high-pressure environment imaginable—the cockpit of an F-14 fighter jet. The genius of her latest book, Span of Control, is how she applies those lessons to everyday life and shows you how to do the same.

Lohrenz shares a process for managing uncertainty, stress, anxiety, and pressure to not only survive, but to thrive. The first step is to define the signs of crisis in your life so you can begin to take control. Once you are aware of what is causing the most stress, Lohrenz explains how to shift your mindset to focus on the most important things, define what you can and can’t control, and make better decisions. The last step is to create a personal action plan for moving forward that is based on a simple yet profound framework:

• Focus on what matters most by identifying your top three priorities and removing distractions.
• Formulate a flight plan for success by preparing, performing, prevailing, and never leaving success to chance.
• Communicate what’s possible and make sure it is concise, clear, and consistent.

Lohrenz offers powerful coaching throughout the book. One of her most impactful quotes tells us where to begin: “I gave up feeling like I had to be able to do everything right. I had to give up right for right for the moment.”

Span of Control is not only a great read filled with research and personal stories, it is a guidebook complete with step-by-step activities to help you take charge of your life. Be prepared to use the tools in this book to harness opportunities you might be missing and to take action. Give yourself the time to do the work Lohrenz presents, and you’ll navigate fear, ambiguity, and uncertainty to succeed in a difficult—or even chaotic—work environment.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Carey Lohrenz, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today.

For more information about Carey Lohrenz, visit www.careylohrenz.com.
To pre-order Span of Control by Carey Lohrenz, click here.

Dear Madeleine,

I just read your blog Boss Talks Over You? and wow—can I relate! My problem is similar. My boss constantly interrupts me while I am speaking in meetings. She causes me to lose my focus by introducing a new, relevant topic even before I’m done with my introductory remarks.

I am so tired of it and need to make it stop, but have no idea how.

What to do?

Losing Patience

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Losing Patience

This is clearly an epidemic. We can hope that all of the folks reading this column who are interrupters might recognize themselves and cut it out. But most people are oblivious to their tendency to interrupt; rather, they think of themselves as being excited and creative.

It is one thing to handle interruptions from peers—but when it’s your boss, it’s extra tricky. I offer a few possible approaches, all of which involve either taking a stand or letting it go. I suggest you develop a plan for deploying one of them, or a combination of all of them, depending on your circumstances.

Set expectations with your audience before you begin. It’s possible that when you set yourself up properly, you won’t need any other tactic. Before you start your presentation, say to everyone: “I am going to present the results of the survey, share the thinking my team has already done about the results, and then I’ll open the floor for questions and brainstorming. Does that work for everyone?” Basically, you are saying: I have a plan here, so please let me go ahead with it. That might just do the trick.

Speak to your boss offline. This takes some guts and is an option only if you have a decent relationship. To access your courage, you will want to script out what to say and practice with someone safe—a friend, partner, or colleague. You will need to state your position and make a request: “When I am presenting and you interrupt, it really throws me. You always have value to add and your topics are always relevant, so I really want to hear what you have to say. My request is that you save your new topics for after we have finished with the task at hand.” Honestly, if one of my people said that to me, I would be mortified and would be on my best behavior, at least for a while.

There is a very good chance that your boss has no idea she is interrupting and is, therefore, oblivious to any effect it has on you. She probably does it to everyone—so you actually could end up making life better for your entire department. Of course, you run the risk of offending your boss and damaging the relationship, so it will be a judgment call for you.

Practice dealing with it in the moment. You might combine this approach with #1. When you are interrupted, gently redirect: 

“That’s a great idea—let’s put it up on the white board parking lot so we can come back to it in the debrief.” 

“Would you mind holding that thought for right now, so we can focus on ____________?”

“Please let me finish my thought.”

“It would be really helpful if we could stay focused on this part—but I look forward to getting to your great idea in a moment.”

There is no guarantee it will work, but it won’t be a good look for your boss, and it probably will.

Prepare for an interruption. Be emotionally ready for it. Find a way to maintain focus and manage your negative emotions. Be prepared to be interrupted and decide it doesn’t matter. Breathe, let it go, engage in the new conversation, and just let it be okay. If you are worried you will lose focus and forget where you were, jot down a note to yourself with the beginning of what you were about to say. When it makes sense, jump back in: “Okay, great! Let’s get back to the results. The next thing I wanted to share is …” This approach is an option only if you can really let it go, not hold a grudge and let resentment build. Resentment is corrosive and will end up ruining the relationship if left to fester. So if you really like your boss and respect her quick mind, her creativity, and how her thinking improves everyone else’s thinking, you might be able to make this one work.

At least when you are a boss, you won’t interrupt. You have that going for you. Good luck with this.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was promoted to VP of sales a few months before the pandemic hit. I feel like I have been in an industrial washing machine ever since, and am just starting to come up for air. There was a lot of training at the beginning but then our entire book of business and go-to-market strategies shifted. It has been mayhem, but things are starting to settle now.

I have an amazing team. I physically moved in order to take over a new region, so all of my people are relatively new colleagues, which is nice. About two years ago, our company changed CRM (Customer Relationship Management) systems. [Note: This is the system that sales leaders and marketing use to gain visibility into prospects, contact info, opportunities/pipeline, forecasting, account plans, competitive intelligence, etc.]

The new system is fine; not any worse or better than the old one. My people have figured out how to make it work for them and comply with requirements. But there are exceptions.

One sales rep, who creates amazing relationships with his customers and crushes his quota, cannot for the life of him get his info into the system. It’s great when he suddenly brings in huge projects, but then there is a scramble to deliver on the contract. Then there’s another rep who puts everything into the system beautifully but can’t seem to get anything done other than that—and she certainly can’t close.

My boss is giving me a hard time about both of them, but very little guidance on how to get them to where they need to be. Thoughts?

CRM Conundrum

______________________________________________________________________________

(If you missed last week’s blog, Part 1 of the response can be found here. This is Part 2 of the response.)

Dear CRM Conundrum,

Last week we discussed how to deal with the rep who won’t use the CRM. Now let’s take a look at the other two situations you are dealing with.

1. One rep who is very good at CRM management but doesn’t seem to know how to actually sell.
2. A boss who isn’t very helpful.

Your rep who can’t sell probably needs some training on mechanics as well as a ton of support to boost her confidence. If she already has been through training, and can tell you what she should be doing but can’t seem to do it, you have a confidence issue. Perhaps she used to be good at selling and something happened that made her start doubting herself.  

However, if she’s never been successful, she probably doesn’t know exactly what to do and how to do it. Whatever your company’s sales training is, she will need to attend. She will also need super clear direction from you, and then extra time. If you can attend some of her sales calls with her as a fly on the wall and then give her feedback, that would be ideal. Or, if she could tag along with some of your superstars and see how they do it, that would also be great.

In the last post, I floated the idea that this rep might apprentice with your sales rock star who can’t (or won’t) use the CRM, and they could tutor each other on their strengths. Role play is also a terrific tool—it is much easier to say certain things if we’ve practiced.

If she was once great and lost her mojo, you’ll need to ask some open-ended questions to help her talk things through so that you can gain some insight into what is getting in her way. Ask questions like:

• What happened that shook your confidence?
• What do you think might be going on?
• What might help you get back on track?
• What would be helpful to you right now?
• What kind of help would feel right?

Make sure your employee knows that you are on her side, you really want her to win, and you’ll do anything in your power to help her get there. Help her build a step-by-step action plan that will get her to her goal.

If there is still no improvement over time, just as with your other situation, there will need to be consequences. Not everyone is cut out for sales and it won’t serve you to belabor things. If that is the case, the faster everyone comes to terms with a mismatch, the better off everyone will be.

Now. Let’s talk about the fact that your boss offers neither direction nor support, just a “hard time.” That isn’t a shocker, but it does mean you are probably on your own. If you are like most managers, you were promoted because you were an amazing salesperson, not because you demonstrated skill at managing people. The sad and kind of scary fact is that most managers are in their jobs for ten years before they get any kind of training. You sound like you have great instincts, but why learn by trial and error if you really don’t have to? There is no shortage of brilliant advice out there for new managers. Of course, I think ours is top notch, but I wouldn’t want to limit you. I guarantee your organization has some kind of training available. Attend. Pay attention. Take notes. Formulate intentions and practice new skills.

You are probably thinking you don’t have time. You won’t remember the opportunity cost of the time you took, and you will remember three or four tidbits that will change your work life. Your people will thank you and you won’t regret it. I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a client services manager at a new cancer center in Lagos, Nigeria. I have just had my six-month appraisal with the CEO. Along with my responsibilities, I have been helping my CEO with her calendar and all other duties.

During the appraisal, she said she wants me to be her executive assistant. I was shocked. She said I get her, I understand her needs, and we work well together.

I went home and thought about it. It feels like it would be a demotion. The fact that I have been able to manage her calendar and do all her personal things well does not mean I want to be her EA. She has now told HR to look for someone that will work with me till I move to the EA position.

I enjoy working with customers. That is what I did for seven years at another hospital before moving to this hospital. But staff members here have always referred to me as her EA, even before my appraisal, and I don’t like that at all.

My CEO always gets what she wants but I don’t think I am cut out to be her EA. I already know what I may have to do but would like your perspective before I make a final decision. I don’t like the way this feels and I am not happy.

New Role Feels All Wrong

__________________________________________________________________

Dear New Role Feels All Wrong,

This falls into the category of “No good deed goes unpunished,” doesn’t it?

So, the first order of business here is to have a frank conversation with your CEO. It is nice that she appreciates your skills, but not so nice that she doesn’t seem at all interested in what you want. So you had better tell her, and soon. Possibly offer a compromise—to train someone else to be her EA since you seem to be so good at it. It can be very tricky to stand up for yourself and for what you want, but you will regret it if you don’t. I guess there is a chance that your CEO will simply fire you for not doing exactly what she wants. But if you are forced into a job you don’t want, you will be looking for a new job anyway, right?

There is another possibility here. Your reflex is to consider the move a demotion. That may be an assumption that you could check out. It can’t be all bad to work hand in glove with the CEO. You might parlay the move into the opportunity to be more than an EA—perhaps to be the CEO’s chief of staff. According to Wikipedia, the definition of this role, in general, is that a chief of staff provides a buffer between a chief executive and that person’s direct reporting team. The chief of staff works behind the scenes to solve problems, mediate disputes, and deal with issues before they are brought to the chief executive. Often, the chief of staff acts as a confidant and advisor to the chief executive, and as a sounding board for ideas.

That would be a promotion. It could be very interesting and engaging, and also could give you a wide scope of responsibility and influence. It might be possible for you to achieve. So instead of saying no, explore the possibilities provided by the fact that your CEO clearly finds you capable, competent, responsible, dependable, intuitive, and easy to work with. Who knows what might come of that? Also, there is the matter of salary. Would yours be cut? Or would you make more? Does it matter? It generally does to most people.

If it turns out that the job change really is a demotion, take a stand to keep your current job. If that isn’t an option, you’ll have a choice to make. What you don’t want is to be forced into a situation where you feel victimized and resentful. That won’t be sustainable for long. Worst case, you stay in the job for years and become more and more bitter, which will take its toll on your mental health, your physical health, and your entire life.

Excellent client services managers for medical centers are always in demand. If that’s what you want to do, take a stand for yourself, speak up, and tell the truth respectfully but clearly. You have some agency here. I encourage you to exercise it.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

It’s hard to believe it’s been more than a year since the world was blindsided by a global pandemic. Millions of people are mourning losses due to COVID-19: family members, friends, and colleagues who have died; businesses and jobs that have been lost; savings accounts that have been depleted. Almost everyone has experienced some form of loss, whether it’s canceled weddings, graduations, and family events, or not being able to visit relatives—or even hug friends.

Acknowledging the worst parts of the past year is difficult and necessary. But it’s also important to see the upside of how things have changed from the way they were a year ago.

The Marvels of Video Conferencing

The past year was a turning point in the way much of the world does business. We had no choice at first—businesses were shut down, people were quarantined at home, and nobody was flying, so we needed to get more familiar with meeting online. The technology was already there; we only had to jump on and ride!

I love being able to sit down and get on a Zoom call today instead of packing a suitcase and getting on a plane. Walking downstairs is a great way to commute! I can talk with hundreds of people at once without leaving my chair. I’m available to drop in on training sessions to chat with participants whenever I’m asked. If a salesperson has a client who might want to meet me, I can sit in on a meeting with the CEO or the whole leadership team. Last week I was in a meeting with a salesperson in England and a client in Ireland. The next day I was on with one person in Italy and one in South Africa! I can spread myself around so much more efficiently now, which helps our sales team, serves our clients and our learners, and doesn’t require me to travel beyond my home office. That’s a win-win-win.

Because so many of the folks in our company work remotely now, our teams can meet more often because it’s much easier to get everyone together virtually. I’m seeing and getting to know people who work with us that I’ve never had a chance to meet—and they are getting to know each other better, too.

Of course, moderation is in order even with this miraculous technology. As the months have gone by, we’ve been hearing more about “Zoom fatigue,” where people get burned out by back-to-back video meetings. I like the solution of scheduling meetings for 45 minutes, not 60, so you aren’t logging into one meeting right after another. If you combine this approach with microbreaks, it could go a long way toward combating Zoom fatigue.

Even if it’s not yet a perfect science, video conferencing seems to be the best way to go for many organizations right now—and I’m not sure that will change anytime soon.

The Virtual One Minute Manager

The same technology that enables you to meet with clients and teams can be used to manage your direct reports. This is especially helpful if you’re not in an office and able to practice “Management By Wandering Around”—a technique originated by the Hewlett-Packard Company in the 1970s. When Spencer Johnson and I wrote The One Minute Manager^®in 1981, we made the practice one of our title character’s management habits, although we never used the phrase. In our original book, the One Minute Manager “never seemed to be very far away” from his people, so he could observe their behavior face to face and catch them doing things right. In 2015 when we wrote the updated edition titled The New One Minute Manager^®, we acknowledged the fact that managers were no longer always in the same place as their people. And since the advent of COVID-19, of course, remote workers are far more common.

So, what’s the virtual equivalent of Management By Wandering Around? As a manager, make sure you set One Minute Goals with your direct report so you’re both clear on expectations. Stay informed on data and performance relating to those goals, and regularly schedule virtual one-on-one meetings with them. When your direct report does something right, call the person or schedule a quick Zoom meeting to give a One Minute Praising. If you notice them moving in the wrong direction, use the same method to contact the person and help them get back on track with a One Minute Re-Direct.

The Upside of COVID-19 on Home Life

At the time I am writing this, the United States and many other countries are moving quickly toward vaccinating people as soon as possible. My wife, Margie, and I feel relieved that we have had both of our vaccinations. We are eagerly looking forward to the day when we can once again open our offices to our colleagues, have friends and family visit us at our house, and do what I miss the most—hug people. Like most others, we have had to give up some enjoyable parts of our lives to stay safe. Yet we’ve been appreciating the simple pleasures around us. Here are some examples:

Bonding with pets. Margie and I have noticed over the years that our little dog, Joy, has always seemed happiest when we’ve taken time off from traveling. She just loves it when we are home with her. You may guess that Joy has been ecstatic for more than a year now. She is also a big clown and can always cheer us up when we start feeling down. If you are a dog lover, you know how therapeutic dogs can be. Last year when people realized quarantine was going to go on for a while, there was a surge of adoptions at shelters all over the country. So many people were adopting pets that a lot of shelters ran out—I remember the news reports showing all the empty cages. It was a beautiful sight.

Watching movies. We’ve been having a lot of fun watching old movies—some favorites we had already seen several times and some new ones recommended by friends. It’s an enjoyable way to spend time together, whether the movies are good or bad.

Enjoying socially distant, outdoor gatherings. Last summer our neighborhood held a socially distant “block party.” We all brought our own chairs, food, and drinks. We wore masks, sat at least six feet apart, and had interesting conversations. Even at a distance and with masks on it was wonderful to see our neighbors and even meet a few new folks. We are looking forward to doing it again now that spring is here.

Appreciating the great outdoors.  Margie and I have been getting outdoors more often—walking with our dog, Joy, or golfing almost every week at our local Par 3 course. Anything that can get you out of the house and into the fresh air is a good thing. Going for a walk is good mental and physical therapy and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Practicing Kindness and Gratitude

The pandemic isn’t over, and we’ll all need patience until it is. One way to cope is to focus on the good that’s come out of this challenging year—not an easy task. As author and philosopher Eric Hoffer wrote: “The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”

Meanwhile, let’s be kind to everyone we encounter. We don’t know what they may have gone through in the past year—or what they may be going through now. Let’s keep sending out thoughts and prayers to people we love and continue reaching out to help others who have suffered great losses or illness and are still hurting. And let’s not forget to be grateful for the blessings in our lives.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to director of contracts and compliance at a global staffing organization. I have a great team, I seem to be well regarded in the organization, and I get along well with my direct boss and his boss, who is the regional CEO.

I am often tapped to lead or be part of special projects and am often consulted on issues that aren’t part of my remit. I never say “no” to anything because I worry that I will be seen as not contributing enough. I am haunted by the feeling that I just lucked into this position, and one day someone is going to realize I am really not that smart and I will be summarily fired.

My wife—a child psychologist, who you would think would be more helpful—laughs at me and tells me I have this fear because I never graduated university.

I know I need to get better at saying “no” to things so I can concentrate on my job, but I just can’t seem to get over this feeling of dread. What do you recommend?

Never Enough

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Never Enough,

You, my friend, have a classic case of Imposter Syndrome. I estimate that 7 out of 10 extraordinarily successful people I have coached have suffered the same way, so you are definitely not alone. The official research statistics are all over the place—but there has been plenty of research. I have noticed this condition can be particularly acute among people who don’t tick every box on the “expected achievements” list for the position they occupy—so your lack of an advanced degree is probably exacerbating your paranoia.

Here is a short TED talk that describes what Imposter Syndrome is and how to combat it.

The way I have always worked on IS with clients is to ask them to do a reality check. The first step is to ask yourself:

• Have I received an official notice from my boss that I am not meeting performance expectations?
• Have I ever lied about my qualifications and been afraid of being found out? (This one is a doozy—I once worked with a client who had lied about graduating from college and was, in fact, found out. It was embarrassing, but she kept her job.)
• Have I received performance feedback that leads me to think I am failing at my job in some way?
• Can I point to evidence that leads me to think others suspect I am not worthy of the job I have?

I suspect the answer to all of the above questions is no. If so, then, as I always say, stay focused on reality and let it go.

I recently came across a piece in a book that I think is worth sharing: My Friend Fear by Meera Lee Patel. Patel defines IS: “The imposter syndrome is the fear that our achievements aren’t deserved, that underneath our progress and success we’re actually fraudulent and unworthy. When we receive a raise or promotion at work, we believe we simply got lucky—it couldn’t be that our efforts and determination finally paid off.”

But Patel said something else I have never heard or read before:

“While this particular fear will do everything in its power to dismiss your successes, it also highlights your most intimate wish: to be a caring parent, a successful writer, or a trusted friend. The imposter syndrome affects those of us who wish to be of value—not because we are ego-driven, but because we want to believe we have something to offer.

Our doubt comes from our desire.

When you feel the imposter syndrome coming on, invite it to sit beside you. Close your eyes and feel the waves of self-doubt vibrate through your bones. Slowly, let them soften and subside. Watch carefully as the guilt your feel outlines the things you care about most in this world, and feel gratitude for your ability to discern what makes you feel alive. This is not easy work, but it is essential. Like all other fears, the imposter syndrome has two faces: one that can help and one that can harm. Which you choose to see is up to you.” (Pg. 87)

 I agree. Fear is data, and we can let it control us or we can interpret the data and choose what to do with it. It is amazing how common this syndrome is. The key is to not let it stop you. Fear is always there—you can depend on it. So you might as well make friends with it and take the gifts it gives not as truth but as an indication of what is most important to you. You can notice the fear, seek to understand what it has to offer you, be grateful for it, and put it in its place. I worked with one client who kept a small box in her briefcase . When she felt overwhelmed by her IS, especially before big presentations, she would take the box out, put her fear in it for safe keeping for the duration of her big moment, then take it out again and thank it for its attentive patience. It 100% worked for her.

Right now you are letting your fear—which is fueled by your desire to be a great manager and corporate citizen—control you. You are allowing it to push you to say “yes” when you know you need to be saying “no.” It is costing you; and if you allow it to continue, it could cause you to be so overextended that your job performance suffers and voilà: self-fulfilling prophecy.

Please don’t let that happen.

I am not saying you shouldn’t take on cool value-add projects that are interesting to you—it’s just that you can’t accept everything simply because your fear is saying you must. Again, a little dose of reality can be useful. Some questions to ask yourself when invited to a new project:

• Is this irresistibly interesting to me?
• Is there something important for me to learn by joining this team?
• Do I have something to add that nobody else can bring?
• Will I meet new and interesting people that will expand my network in the organization?
• Will joining this team attract the positive attention of people who can be advocates for me in the organization?
• Will I really have the time to devote myself to this project without my actual job performance suffering?

I would submit that you will want to be able to answer each of those questions with an unequivocal YES before allowing yourself to even consider accepting another invitation. I mean, seriously, I suspect your job is full-time enough. And even then, consider limiting your projects to a low number—like 2. A year. Max. Or better yet, take some time off and use that time to sit with your fear, make friends with it, and convince it that it is not the boss of you.

And tell your wife to be nicer. Your suffering isn’t funny, and she could at least try to empathize. Just saying.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a team lead in the R&D department of a pharmaceutical company. We are all scientists and engineers and the work is interesting and fun. I really like managing my team and they seem to be happy with me.

My problem is that my new boss is just awful. We loved our former boss; he was kind and smart and took us to new levels of creativity and problem solving. The new guy—we all call him the “Ice King”—came in from the outside and doesn’t seem to care about any of us. He is cold and mean.

I dread being in meetings with him. He walks in right on time and hands out the agenda, which he sends in advance with clear instructions about who should prepare what. He never smiles, never laughs. When he is okay with something, he just nods his head with a frown on his face. If he disagrees or, God forbid, catches an error, he looks thunderous and says, “That’s incorrect, fix that.”

Most managers I have worked with have one-on-one meetings with their people. I do them with my team, but honestly, my boss is so off-putting that I am grateful he doesn’t have them with me. I dread the performance review I have coming up in a few months.

How can we get him to lighten up and be nicer?

Scared of My Boss

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Scared of My Boss,

You can’t. Okay, you could try, but it probably isn’t worth your time and energy. You can’t really fix people. People can change—but in my experience, it is rare, and they need a really compelling reason.

You will have a much better result if you put your attention on changing yourself.

Here is the thing, Scared—you are taking your boss’s behavior personally when, in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You miss your former warm and fuzzy boss. I get that. And I am sorry for your loss. But your new boss just sounds like a personality that is way down on the “introverted and analytical” end of the continuum. IT. ISN’T. PERSONAL.

So what would happen for you if you told yourself that the Ice King is super analytical, is only interested in accuracy and facts, has zero people skills, and is probably mystified by all of his direct reports who are wanting him to be something he is not?

It doesn’t actually sound like there’s anything to be afraid of except maybe showing up with anything but impeccable work. And even then, it sounds like he will simply point out your mistakes so you can fix them. Ice King is at least offering you clarity, consistency, and certainty. Those are good things.

The minute you stop wishing Ice King would be different, just accept that he is the way he is, and let that be okay and not about you, you will feel a lot better. At least you know where you stand with people like this. Just the facts, ma’am. No politics, no hidden agendas; just get the work done, accurately, on time and under budget.

Prepare diligently for your performance review. Make sure it is well thought through, comprehensive, and above all, correct. You will be fine. Once you stop judging him, he might just surprise you.

You clearly prefer a warm and fun, collegial atmosphere. Fine, you can nurture those things within the culture of your team. They aren’t important to your new boss, and that’s okay. There’s a big difference between a real problem and something you don’t like. This is only a problem if you decide to let it be one.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

2020 was quite a year and it was certainly reflected in the questions Madeleine received from her readers. Here is a list of the top five most-viewed columns. They tell a story of the year we’ve been through. Madeleine will be back next week with a new year of questions from well-meaning managers—possibly yours?  Best wishes for the New Year!

Feeling Anxious? Ask Madeleine

An early March column at the beginning of the pandemic when clients were canceling bookings and executives were calling emergency meetings to try to figure out a course of action. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feeling-anxious-ask-madeleine

Health Concerns about Working Instead of Staying Home? Ask Madeleine

Another early March column when business had slowed but some owners insisted managers show up for work and serve the few customers that were still coming in. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/health-concerns-about-working-instead-of-staying-home-ask-madeleine

Feel Like Your Team Is Losing It? Ask Madeleine

An April column where a manager thought getting everyone set up with the technology to work from home would be the biggest hurdle. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feel-like-your-team-is-losing-it-ask-madeleine

Less People, Same Amount of Work? Ask Madeleine

A July column where a reader expressed concern about how to successfully redeploy people to the busier parts of the business after furloughs. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/less-people-same-amount-of-work-ask-madeleine

Time to Move Beyond “Winging It”? Ask Madeleine

An August column from a senior leader who admits to “basically winging it” and wants to do better. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/time-to-move-beyond-winging-it-ask-madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I just read your column Feeling Overwhelmed in a New Role and I find myself in the exact same position. I recently took a role as manager, and on week one I started getting emails expecting deliverables. I came with enthusiasm wanting to bring positive impact, and of course my seven years of experience. But now on week four I already feel like I am a failure—like I am letting everyone down.

I have a to-do list the size of Africa and can’t seem to complete anything. I try to meditate and be patient with myself, but then an avalanche drops in. I am expected to make budget decisions and hiring decisions, and I am on my first month! And I feel that if I am honest and say “I need time to get it together—I can’t deliver on all these tasks,” that it’s some kind of cop-out.

I should also add that I have always had a sinking suspicion I am in the wrong career. But I don’t have a clue as to what the right career might be for me.

I am only 32 and already have early signs of hypertension. I am afraid this stress will either kill me or leave me with lifetime stress-related illnesses. Then I get so mad at myself and think, “Just quit!” But I have a dream of owning a farm and living in a tiny house. I am flustered and confused, overwhelmed, unhappy, and stressed. I feel like a failure. And I feel like I’m the only one dying in silence. PLEASE HELP.

Dying in Silence

________________________________________________________

Dear Dying in Silence,

I am so sorry you are feeling so terrible. It sounds like you have a nasty negative spiral going on, and every little thing just piles on and makes things worse. Hypertension at 32 is worrisome. Your concern that your stress level over your job might kill you is even more worrisome. Your sympathetic nervous system is on high alert, so you are in a constant state of panic 24/7.

Job one is to calm down. You have dug yourself a hole in which your anxiety has gotten the best of you. If there is any way you can work with a therapist very quickly, I suggest you do it. If you can’t, you might watch this really smart video that describes exactly how anxiety works and how to reverse the anxiety cycle you are in.

Essentially, you need to change your thinking. All your stress seems to be caused by your own expectations. My first clue was “dying in silence.” So, for the love of all that is good, speak up. Get a coach, get a therapist, talk to your boss, go to HR. SPEAK UP.

The second clue in your letter was “And I feel like if I am honest and say ‘I need time to get it together, I can’t deliver on all these tasks,’ that’s some kind of cop out.” That is a made-up story that you have to change, right this minute. And I mean right this minute. Honestly, if we were speaking on the phone, I would be raising my voice right now.

Who knows where you got that story—maybe your family of origin or a former boss. Or you came from a role/job where you were actually able to get everything done. It doesn’t even matter. All that matters is that is that story that will kill you.

You need a new story that goes something like this: “I need some time to get it together. I can absolutely do all of this, just not all at the same time, and not this week.”

One of the biggest leaps from being an individual contributor to a manager is that you never, ever get to the end of the list. EVER. The list just grows, reforms, and gets re-prioritized. Some things you will never get to, and it will be because they weren’t important enough or the person you were doing it for forgot. Either way, nobody will die—except, of course, you if you don’t get hold of yourself.

Part of what employers expect when they hire someone in a management position is that the person will have enough experience to structure their time and manage expectations given all of the demands placed upon them. So all of these crazy demands are being made of you. It is up to you to create a plan for what you can accomplish by when, and to communicate this plan to whoever needs to know. You don’t mention a boss. Presumably you have one who is not helping you prioritize—or perhaps you are not communicating your lack of clarity about priorities, timelines and expectations. If you haven’t asked your boss for help, they are going to be awfully surprised when you drop dead of a heart attack because for some reason you thought you had to be superwoman.

 It isn’t copping out to stop, think, plan, prioritize, and communicate on timelines—it is being a responsible human being. You are 32. There is a good chance that up until now you have been a “good girl” your whole life. You lived up to everyone’s expectations of you, got good grades, got a good a job in which you crushed it—which is why you got promoted into a situation where you now have to let go of that good-girl persona and stop trying to be all things to all people and perfect at all times. One of the hardest things to learn at your stage of adult development is that you will absolutely, positively disappoint people. I promise it won’t kill you. But you can also disappoint people less by properly managing their expectations and not making promises you can’t keep.

So. It’s time to take a step back and get a grip. Make a mind map of the avalanche—everything that needs to be done, everything others ask of you, everything you think you need to do. Get it all out of your head and on a piece of flip chart paper. Then organize it: break down each thing into the smallest possible tasks and create a timeline for each one. Decide what you think needs to be done first, and if you aren’t sure, ask the person who is waiting for the deliverable. Once you have your list, send it to your boss with a note that says: “This is everything that needs to be done, in priority order. If you disagree with my plan please let me know; otherwise I will proceed according to this plan.” Any new deliverables asked of you get put into the plan. If someone tells you something is urgent, ask your boss if you can bump something else. Or better yet, just say no. People will happily fob off their late requests or emergencies of their own making on to you if you let them. And, because you are the new kid, there is a good chance that people around you are testing to see to what extent they can push you around to get what they want when they want it. It isn’t their job to know how much you have on your plate and what you can and can’t do. It is yours.

Once you have calmed down and brought your new job into some kind of perspective, you can think about the fact that you may be in the wrong career. You may very well be—but I guarantee you have a better chance of figuring that out while you have a job and can pay your bills. If you up and quit, it will create a whole host of new problems that will cause new kinds of anxiety. And once you can think straight, maybe you will see how you can get to where you want to be from where you are.

It is hard to be creative when you feel like you are dying. One of my dearest coach friends, Laura Berman Fortgang, has a terrific system called Now What? to help people who suspect they are on the wrong road find the one that is right for them. You have plenty of time. I know you don’t feel that way, but truly, you do. And if you don’t face your demons head on in the situation you’re in right now, you will simply take them with you to your next situation.

Your dream of owning a farm and living in a tiny house is beautiful, and there is no reason that you can’t make a long-term plan to achieve it. But. I know some farmers, and the workload is never ending and backbreaking. And then, of course, there are massive forces out of your control to contend with, like weather. You can’t risk having a heart attack because there is too much rain. You will enjoy your dream a lot more if, when you do realize it, you have done the hard work of learning to manage priorities, getting the right kind of help, and devising standards for yourself that you can live with.

Next steps:

1. Calm down. Understand how your brain works and how to interrupt the downward anxiety spiral you are in.
2. Speak up. Get some help, any way you can. Now. You will not get fired because people around you realize you are a regular (albeit super competent) human being.
3. Change your story about what a cop-out is. Please. Please. Please.
4. Once you have settled down, start doing some career exploration.
5. Then, and only then, create your long-term plan to be a tiny house dweller with a charming farm.

My heart aches for you, Dying in Silence. I only wish your situation weren’t so common. The suffering is rampant. But the power is in your hands and you must use it to save yourself. You must.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work as a senior manager reporting to a new EVP who was brought in from outside the company. She has a lot less experience than I do. She constantly talks about how strategic she is, but all I see is a lack of discipline around execution—and she seems to have no memory. 

This is how it goes: She tells my peers and me what we need to be shooting for. We come back to her with our recommendations for how to get there. She disagrees with everything we propose, tells us how she wants us to execute, waits until we have everything set up and rolling, then comes back to us and tells us she wants it done differently—often the way we originally recommended.

When this happens, she doesn’t seem to remember that she is asking us to follow the original plan. She always acts like it is her idea. It is never-ending whiplash. We live in a state of constant crisis where I am talking my people off the ledge daily. We all end up putting in late nights and weekends and it is debilitating and demoralizing. When I complain, she tells me I am anti-change and I need to get with the program. 

I have worked in high pressure environments before and am good at managing stress. But dealing with this on top of lockdown, no lockdown, tighter lockdown, in-person school, online school, no holiday get-togethers this year, and kids at home underfoot all day, I am just so fried.

How can I get my leader to be more thoughtful and consistent? She doesn’t seem to care that because of her constantly changing orders, everyone in her department is burning out. 

Burning Out Fast

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Burning Out Fast,

This does indeed sound like a constant game of “gotcha.” I hear versions of this kind of madness regularly, and you are right—it is hard enough in normal times, but on top of everything else it really makes you hang your head. It sounds like your new boss is at the very least, capricious, and at most, nuts. But it also sounds like she doesn’t change the goal as much as she changes the method by which you will achieve it. So you at least have that in your favor—the goals don’t change every ten minutes.

Please don’t be offended, but I have to ask whether you might have played a part in creating this situation. Is it possible you wanted the job and are mad that the person who was hired has less experience and is annoying to boot? Are you absolutely certain none of your upset is a little sour grapes? You may have to really look in the mirror and ask yourself. The fact that you aren’t alone, that your peers are in the same boat, is an indication that you probably are in the clear—but it won’t hurt for you to be absolutely certain about the answer before you decide how to proceed.

First line of defense here is to have the hard conversation. I know you would probably rather have dental work, but you owe it to yourself and your people to at least try. Be prepared with:

• This is what has happened now, three times in a row.
• This is the result of the constant change of plan.
• I need you to start trusting that I know what I am doing and can make a good plan to give you what you want.
• Can we try it once and see how it goes?

This approach could go okay, maybe? If she says, “No way, it’s my way or the highway,” then you know there is no hope. We’ll talk about that in a minute.

If she agrees, document the conversation carefully and email her the record of the conversation. That way, the next time she pulls a change order with no warning, you can refer to the email documenting your agreement and see if it helps. The memory slips are concerning, but the more prepared you are for them, the better off you will be.

If you try to have the conversation and she is not receptive, options to consider might be:

• Go over your boss’s head and talk to her boss. Perhaps band together with your peers and stage an intervention. This is not a fun option, and can trigger any number of unintended consequences. But I have seen it work. I coached a CEO once who thought his new CFO walked on water until his whole team came to him and outlined their grievances. The behaviors they reported sounded outlandish, and then, when he looked closely, he saw some very concerning gaps in the finances, not to mention some very alarming things on the person’s computer. A complete train wreck was narrowly avoided—and if it hadn’t been for the courage of the team, things could have gotten really ugly.

The pattern of behavior you describe rings familiar. I wonder if your new boss is so out of her depth that she is trying to act like she knows what she is doing. Or perhaps she really is suffering from memory lapses and doesn’t realize it. When behavior is this erratic, it can be a symptom of substance abuse. I have seen it all, and if you think the behavior is that terrible, this option might be a good idea.

• Ignore her plan and start executing the plan you recommended in the first place. This is risky, of course, because this could be the one time she breaks pattern. And it forces you to be dishonest, which might cause you even more stress. Some people would be okay with it as a means to an end. I am not judging. It would be a very personal decision for you.
• Flesh out your recommended plan but proceed with her plan very slowly, knowing she will change her mind, and then move to the recommended plan quickly. I learned this one from a client who figured out how to do this out of sheer self-preservation. It turned out her boss had no idea what he was doing and eventually got fired, and she got promoted into the job. 
• Brush up your LinkedIn profile and CV and start looking for another job. This all just may feel like too much noise that you have no patience for. It depends on how much you like the organization, if the mission of your work is compelling, and if you love your team. Many people in your position feel too guilty about abandoning their team to think about jumping ship, which is admirable. Again, you will have to weigh the good things against the crazy that you are putting up with. 

Best case: your boss really doesn’t know the impact she is having, and will listen to reason and see the error of her ways. (Okay, I just made myself laugh out loud with that one, because it is so rare. But, hey, it could happen!) Worst case: well—there are any number of ways this could go badly. In the end, you will have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself and maintain your sanity.

And remember: this pandemic will end. Your children will go back to school. We will all be able to do holidays together again. You have no control over any of that. Your job situation, however, you do have some control over.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!