Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior leader in a highly specialized digital publishing organization and I have about 14 direct reports. Organizationally, I’m third in seniority. My plan is, by the end of 2025, to transition out of this role and into my own coaching and consulting business. I’d be working with some clients, but primarily in an adjacent field.

I am currently working on building up the coaching business on nights, weekends, and off hours. I’ve been able to grow what had been a side hustle into what looks to be a successful final chapter for me (I’m 60 years old) without it affecting my productivity in my current role. My boss is aware that I do this coaching and consulting work, but at this point he is not aware of my plan to transition into coaching full-time in early 2026.

My questions are: when is the appropriate time to tell my boss I’m planning to exit, and how do you recommend I share the news? I want to give him adequate lead time as I think this news will create some significant disruption, and I would like to be involved in handing off the baton to whomever is next to step into my role. But I don’t want to risk my boss overreacting and ending our relationship before I am ready to go.

Thanks for your wisdom. I just want to be—

Smart

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Dear Smart,

First, congratulations on creating a successful side hustle while working full-time. That takes a lot of focus and energy, and it is a huge accomplishment. And welcome to the coaching profession. I hope it brings you all the fulfillment it has given me.

I am struck by how thoughtful you are about your transition out, as you clearly have the success of your company at heart. Your question is interesting on many levels, and it is hard to give you a definitive answer without knowing your company’s culture and your boss. But just the fact that you are concerned about what to me sounds like an irrational overreaction is a clue that your boss values loyalty over proper planning. So, not to be annoying, but as a coach you will recognize the approach: Given what you know, what advice would you give a friend in your position?

I have such a high value for clarity, communication, and planning that it’s hard for me to get my head around a boss who wouldn’t appreciate the heads up, welcome your help in preparing your successor, and wish you Godspeed when you are ready to go. In fact, most leaders I work with would appreciate knowing what someone they depend on is thinking about the future. But you do have concerns, and they come from somewhere, so I encourage you to heed them.

It is the norm in most companies to encourage senior leaders to create a succession plan and actively develop their successors. It doesn’t sound like that is true in your company, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still do exactly that. I urge you to identify any likely candidates among your 14-ish direct reports. Once you’ve got your short list, you might delegate parts of your job or assign these folks tasks that will ensure they learn and develop. At least one or two of them will show evidence that they can take on your job.

The rule of thumb for senior executives is 60 days’ notice—ideally, 90 days for a super smooth transition. If you are really worried that your boss will fly off the handle and retaliate, I would suggest that you wait until you are ready to go and offer a range of transition time from two weeks (which is standard) to 60 days. That way you take care of yourself, you don’t run the risk of being ejected before you are ready, and you can flex as needed if you are asked to craft a sensible transition. Be ready with recommendations and your supporting reasoning for likely replacements. That would be the sane, responsible thing to do, and you’ll be able to hold your head high no matter what happens. You may or may not get to participate in the passing of the baton—that will be up to your boss.

I wish you continued stamina and lots of luck in this next chapter you are creating.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was made supervisor for a team at a software company about six months ago. I like the job and the people on my team, and I’m slowly figuring out how to be a decent manager. I feel lucky that I was moved to a different team so I don’t have to manage my former peers.

I have become friendly with the other supervisors—we meet to discuss priorities, stay on top of changes, and share tips. I started meeting with one of them for an occasional beer after work. At first, everything was great. But now that we’ve grown closer, they spend all of our time together gossiping about the other supervisors and trashing the people on their team.

This person talks endlessly about how stupid, lazy, and disrespectful people are. I feel like I am there just to listen to them complain. I want to talk about travel, books, movies, or fun things we have planned for the weekend.

I listen and try to empathize, but they show no interest in helping anyone or in hearing my thoughts. They are so snarky, I am afraid if I cut them off they will spread nasty rumors about me. I can’t remember what personal things I have shared—nothing terrible, but who knows what they might say?

How do I get out of this relationship without setting them off and potentially causing real damage?

Stuck with a Loser

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stuck with a Loser,

Oh dear, this is a tough one. I am sorry. It is hard when people start out great and end up showing their true colors once the hooks are in. I am always fascinated by people who do nothing but trash others and then wonder why they have no friends at work.

Part of me wants to encourage you to reflect this person’s awfulness back to them and try to get them to see that their perception of people is part of the problem. But honestly, that kind of a hard conversation would be one you make the effort to have with people you love and have a commitment to.

Your only other option is to get away from this person as quickly as you can.

You might start by inviting as many people as will come to join you after work so there is a group you can slowly fade out of. If that doesn’t work, make something up. Am I suggesting you lie? Indeed I am. I suppose some might judge me, but I am nothing if not practical. Find a (fictional) new hobby or volunteer job that requires your attention after work. Every night. Or invent a cousin with a family emergency who needs you to babysit every evening for the foreseeable future. If you can’t stand to lie, or are too worried you might get busted, maybe find a real activity—hiking, yoga, taking a side gig as a personal shopper, or committing to writing a novel. Anything that the person won’t be interested in so they won’t ask to join you. Anything that will be more pleasant than spending time with them.

Of course, you could tell the truth—that you feel like all they do is complain and talk smack about people and you can’t spend time with them anymore. I know that might feel risky, but here’s the thing: if they are saying horrible things about everyone else in their work orbit, they are probably already trashing you when you aren’t around. There is an excellent chance everybody else has this person’s number and doesn’t listen to a word they say.

You don’t owe them another moment of your time—or, frankly, the truth. Just get away from them and try not to worry. Stay focused on doing a good job with your team and cultivating relationships with people who share your values. You are only as stuck as you let yourself be.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Intern,

 I’ve appreciated watching the interns in our company work on different projects in different departments. I’m always amazed by how fast the interns work, how well they collaborate as a team, and the high quality of the work they deliver. 

 My question is this: How do we, the current employees, look to them? Do we look slow, with poor teaming skills, for example? I hope not. How would interns compare the culture in their workplace with what they experience at school and in other areas of their life?

 Curious Employee

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Dear Curious Employee,

Let me first say that in my experience as an intern, I ask myself the question “How do they see me?” all the time! I think it’s a fairly universal question across generations in the workplace.

Although I don’t speak on behalf of all of Gen Z—I’m only one person, limited to my own experience—I can confidently say that I don’t perceive other generations as having poor teamwork skills or working at a slow pace. However, I have noticed that each generation in the workplace carries with them a defining skillset. For this reason, I think it’s essential for companies to strive for generational diversity. It’s the key to bringing in talented people with diverse sets of skills and perspectives that build off one another.

As an example, many emerging Gen Z workers are highly skilled in digital writing or creating digital content such as texts, images, videos, social media posts, etc. We are the “tech savvy” generation, aka “digital natives.” So, when a project calls for those skills, we might be able to naturally get the job done more quickly and efficiently than our team members who represent older generations. At the same time, I’d say Gen X and Boomer workers are often naturally gifted at face-to-face communication, which is arguably just as important as being tech savvy in the workplace. In other words, we all need, and can learn from, each other.

Going back to your initial question, it can feel equally tempting to dismiss the contributions of other generations (whether older or younger) as inadequate, irrelevant, or unnecessary in the workplace. I’ve interned for multiple organizations and have had plenty of experiences where I would present what I thought were new and exciting ideas to my former manager, only for my ideas to be shot down and altogether disregarded. And while I could blame the manager’s reaction on their bias against me as a Gen Z worker, I recognize that feeling unheard at work isn’t all that uncommon, unfortunately. And it hurts, regardless of the generation you grew up in.

I tried to reframe the rejection I experienced to make it feel less personal, with the understanding that we each grow up around one specific generation during our formative years of development. We naturally will think “It’s my way or the highway” until we’re prompted to think otherwise. However, considering that you’re asking these important questions, it seems that you’ve already begun to challenge this narrative, so I’d say that puts you ahead of the curve!

All this to say, as a Gen Z intern, here’s my advice in answering this question of “How do they perceive me?” You’re actually already doing it. Ask us! Openly communicate with us and encourage us to do the same with you. You asked about ties between the culture we experience at work compared to what we experience at school. I think it comes down to this: we all want to feel seen and heard by our manager at work in the same way that we feel seen and heard by our instructors in the classroom. Fostering an open channel of communication is the first step.

And that’s it! I’ll be the first to admit that the generational communication gap can be incredibly difficult to traverse at times. It may feel like walking on eggshells at first. For instance, I can have incredible anxiety when talking with a manager or employee of an older generation. I find myself wondering “Did I do something wrong? Am I supposed to say something? Am I being too quiet?” But I truly believe that an established line of communication can make all the difference in quieting these self-doubts and fostering a safe space with Gen Z interns like me. I know this because I’ve experienced it firsthand with my current manager, who validates me when I perform well and supports me when I have room to grow.

Many of us have brilliant ideas, insightful questions, or important feedback that we want to share, but often lack the confidence or sense of belonging to share them. Sometimes all we need is a gentle nudge (or perhaps a kind push) in the right direction, even if it’s simply saying, “Okay intern, what are your thoughts on this?”

I hope this helps! Best of luck!

Cas the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine has enjoyed a well-deserved summer break, “Ask Madeleine” has become “Ask the Intern” where we have presented your questions to several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.

This week’s response is from Cas Podgorski, Podcast Intern at ifyouaskbetty, LLC.

Madeleine will return next week.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the COO for a medium sized, mostly US-based specialty product business. Our CEO was always the idea guy and I was execution. Our business used to be straightforward, but we recently expanded with services and a couple of storefronts—against my recommendation.

Our CEO is a visionary and expects his executive team to figure things out. I thought we might be okay until I realized our CFO and the person who leads our IT department are completely in over their heads. The CFO has no experience at all with the complexities of offering services, how to get people paid, etc., and our technology guy keeps suggesting new software platforms, none of which seem to work with one another. We are spending more money than we anticipated. I feel like we are in a free fall, but my CEO has no interest in details.

I am at my wits’ end. I can’t possibly solve all our problems by myself. We had a perfectly good business, and I am furious with my CEO for blowing it all up. I told him making these big moves before we had some infrastructure in place was going to be a train wreck, but he becomes less reasonable by the day.

Part of me just wants to throw my hands up and walk away. I would lose equity but the way things are going, it will be a share of not much. The CEO and I were friends but the friendship seems to have gone down the tubes. I’m just not sure any of this can be salvaged. Thoughts?

Free Fall

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Free Fall,

Well, you won’t be the first person in history to not be able to stop someone from making colossal mistakes only to end up holding the bag, and you won’t be the last. I am so, so sorry.

I think you already know what you are going to do, Free Fall. What you read next will only confirm it.

There are a few separate issues here. I will list them out and I don’t claim to have the priorities in the right order. Some of these things are more fixable than others.

1. Your people do not have the skill sets required to lead the new parts of the business. (This can be fixed. Not as quickly as you’d like, but still.)
2. There was not enough time spent planning and getting the right resources in place to pull off these big plans. (This is blood under the bridge—you can’t change the past.)
3.  Your CEO seems to have abdicated all responsibility, possibly after having lost his mind. (I suspect this is not something you can influence, since you have already tried.)
4. The relationship between the two of you seems to be damaged beyond repair (unless, over time, you decide to let bygones be bygones).
5. It sounds like you have a very lean operation with no other executives to support you. (It is hard to tell from your letter. If there are, in fact, some competent folks who can help, now is the time to call on them.)
6. Your anger and frustration are clouding your ability to think straight. (This you have control over. The sooner you get hold of yourself, the better.)

Does that sound right?

I think your first job is to find a way to calm down so that you can make your first big decision: Is this worth fighting for or not? Whatever you normally do to calm yourself down will work: meditation, prayer, exercise, listening to opera. Turn off your phone. Take a night off and calm yourself down. Get a decent night’s sleep. Then if, as you have expressed, you are truly on your own here, ask yourself whether you have it in you to tackle this situation and get it turned around. If the answer is a hard no, there you have it.

If you do think you might have it in you, decide exactly what you are willing to do and for how long. The length of time matters; otherwise you will be stuck seeing the whole mess through to either success or failure, and who knows how long that will take. You’ll want to be at your best, and if you are overcome by your anger and frustration, you will need to find a way to park that or let it go.

Accepting the stark reality of the situation is the only way you will see what needs to be done. I am not saying your CEO isn’t to blame for your pain and suffering—I am saying putting a lot of energy into placing blame is not a good use of your time.

You might consider getting your CEO to agree, in writing, to a hefty bonus if you are able to turn things around. That might help you find the motivation to save the day.

Let’s say you put a stake in the ground and decide “Okay, I am going to give this my all for three months.” Then make a list of everything that needs doing. You are smart enough to know most of what needs to be done even if you don’t know how to do it. These things might include:

• Get help: call on a friend or mentor with business savvy for advice.
• Hire someone who knows what they are doing, or at the very least a consultant who can work on a contract basis.
• Make a plan of what to do and in what order.
• Delay anything that can be delayed.
• Tackle the big problems first and knock them down, one by one.

If this all makes you feel the kind of despair that makes you want to go to bed for the rest of your life, again you have your answer: either this has gone too far to fix or you just don’t care anymore.

Once you get all the emotion out of the way, it will be much easier to see the full reality and assess your willingness and ability to rise to the challenge.

At this point you are either thinking “I can do this” or “Run, don’t walk away from this mess.”

I wish you clarity, and the courage of your convictions.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was lucky to land an incredibly cool job right out of school. I am in digital marketing and work on a team that supports influencers and artists, each with their own defined brand profiles. As a team, we are constantly sharing ideas, brainstorming, and coming up with creative new angles to suggest to our clients.

My problem is that one of my colleagues, who has kind of become a friend, seems to be developing a habit of telling people my ideas are actually hers. It is jarring! In our weekly meetings, my boss gives her credit for some of my original ideas. It took me a while to figure this out, but someone else on the team also noticed it so I started paying closer attention.

I haven’t said anything yet, I honestly don’t know what to say. My boss constantly talks about what a great team we are, “better together” and all that. How can I deal with this without looking like I’m throwing shade like a big whiny baby? I don’t want anyone to think I am not a team player, but I also don’t want someone else to get credit for my ideas. Plus, it is impacting the new friendship because I don’t trust her anymore.

I brought this up with some close friends and I am getting advice that’s all over the place. What do you think?

Idea Thief on the Loose

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Idea Thief on the Loose,

I will admit to having a reflexive reaction—that your “friend” is a snake in the grass, and you should immediately find ways to protect yourself.

Then I employed my usual process, which is to apply universal laws or principles that have proven to be sound over decades of use:

• Give people the benefit of the doubt until you have clear evidence they do not deserve that benefit.
• If you are feeling paranoid you might be right, unless it is a pattern for you.
• If you have strong evidence your instincts are usually correct, you should trust them.

Which brings me back to my initial thought: Your “friend” is a snake in the grass, and you should immediately find ways to protect yourself. It is sad because there is nothing so grand as working with a thought partner or team where everyone has good ideas, people give each other credit, and the trust and synergy is so high that nobody can even remember whose idea something was.

Heeding your own experience is just smart. The worst case would be that you are wrong, Idea Thief is able to rebuild trust with you, you make a good friend, and you learn something. The best case would be that you send a message you are not to be messed with.

The question is what to do about it. How can you protect yourself without seeming oversensitive and risking being perceived as less than a team player?

Here are some thoughts:

• Build advocacy in the group: If someone else on the team has noticed it, it won’t be long before others do, too. There might be a way to arrange for someone other than you to point out when Idea Thief acts as if something you said was her idea.
• Don’t waste time second-guessing yourself or speculating about Idea Thief’s motives. It won’t help you.
• If you are still spending one-on-one time with Idea Thief, under no circumstances should you talk about work, share what you are working on, or in any way reveal what you are thinking about. You may notice she tries to get you talking—resist the urge.
• It might be tricky, but if you trust your boss you could share your concerns with them. Tricky because you don’t want to come across as a credit hog, but you do think it is important that credit be given to whom it is due. You can certainly explain that to your manager. You can also explain that you understand how lots of great ideas come from iterating with the team, but you think it is important for your boss to know where some of those ideas originated. You don’t have to whine about it but you do have to make sure they know what’s what.

I also consulted a couple of my own trusted advisors—one young person in particular told me she has seen this happen on teams and has been in your shoes. She is a few years ahead of you career-wise, and has worked in some high-pressure, cutthroat environments. Here is her advice:

“This is a growth opportunity for the letter writer; a chance for them to regularly document their ideas for visibility. It sounds like the leader isn’t doing a whole lot of leading; they are placing their focus on generating new ideas and not taking the time to see the people behind those ideas. The writer needs to bring the receipts: if they haven’t already, they must start their own independent documentation of what they bring to the table. If the manager is overlooking the person’s ideas and contributions now, what do they think will happen in their performance reviews? It’s time to protect themselves. If they have a 1:1 document shared with their manager, it’s time to start taking stock of what they bring to the team. If I were the employee, in my next 1:1 I would ask my leader for feedback on how I present my ideas. Maybe they aren’t presenting their ideas in a confident way to the group, and it allows the other person to steal their moment.”

I think that pretty much says it all, my friend. The idea of documenting all your interactions and contributions is a really good one. It might seem self-interested to you now, but the discipline will, in fact, serve you very well over time. In most businesses, yours in particular, the competition will only become more intense over time. You will always be your own best advocate. Your radar for people who don’t have your back will also be useful.

You don’t need to become a Machiavellian manipulator, but you can’t be naive either. The good news is if you stay the course and end up in a leadership position, you will be good at noticing who brings what to the table. You will have the luxury of not needing to take credit and happily sharing it with your people. I wish for you to find a super high-trust team to work with in the future, but until then: be strong, be fierce, and don’t let anyone take anything from you that you aren’t willing to give.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a large global organisation. The president for EMEA (UK and all of Western Europe) is my boss’s boss. I recently hired his son into my team.

He gave a good interview and seemed totally committed to the role. Since then, I find him very challenging. He mimics his father, who is several levels above me. He doesn’t show up for team meetings (or gives a weak excuse why he can’t join) and he challenges the way we operate within the organisation with phrases I assume he has heard from his father. I need him to perform his role, not his father’s, and I feel that he thinks he is protected.

Recently I had a special project where his father intervened unexpectedly and unusually for someone so high up in the organisation, at a time I had briefly discussed the project with his son. How should I deal with this behaviour? I don’t want his conduct to spread like contagion through the team, and I also don’t want to give him special privileges just because of his father’s position.

Hired The Boss’s Son

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hired The Boss’s Son,

Isn’t this a can of worms! I wish I could wave a magic wand and send everyone back to the starting line so that clear agreements about how to proceed when family members join an organization could be designed before you got started. But of course that isn’t very helpful, is it?

You have two choices here, and the direction you go will probably be informed by your own sense of how much power you have in the situation and to what extent you feel secure in your job.

Choice One: You nip the unacceptable behaviour in the bud. Have a serious sit-down with The Prince and explain:

• That your job is to help him be as successful as possible in his current role, and that you look forward to seeing him advance quickly so that he can implement all of his ideas about how things should be done when he is in the position to do so.
• The chain of command and the inappropriateness of his going over your head.
• Your expectations of all of your team members, including him, that everyone attend team meetings.
• Your expectations of anyone in his role: what the job is and is not.
• Your commitment to fairness; your belief that privilege is earned, not granted because of family connections; and your need to see a marked change in his behaviour.
• That his performance evaluation is at stake, and that if he cannot control himself and show appropriate respect for the team and for you as his manager, he will not be successful in the organisation. (Be sure to be crystal clear on this one.)

If you feel safe enough to do so, you may ask for a meeting with the father to enroll him in your quest to help The Prince be as successful as possible in his current role. If the father can’t see how wrong his son’s behavior is, and doesn’t have your back, this route will probably not go well. Finally, you also need your human resources business partner to know what is going on, so HR may be able to intervene as well. It was up to your HRBP to see this coming and provide the necessary extra preparation before you hired, but I guess the practice of nepotism must be new to everyone. It is one of those things you don’t know until you find out the hard way.

Choice Two: If you don’t have support from HR and the big boss, you will probably need to suffer the annoying behaviour until you can shuffle the kid upward and away from you. It wouldn’t be the first time a problem child got promoted so that someone could avoid conflict. I hate to even suggest it, because this is exactly the kind of responsibility-ducking that contributes to the weakening of organisations. But if you believe your own job could be at stake, you may not feel like you have a choice. The risks with this are that you might lose the respect of the rest of your team (although they may understand how untenable your position is)—and you may also endanger your reputation with whoever his next boss is when they realize that you fobbed off a disruptive, entitled brat onto them. Then again, if the big boss can’t or won’t see the problem, everyone will have to suffer together.

This conversation is close to home for me as a family member who works in a family-owned business. We actively practice nepotism, in that we are delighted to offer opportunities to our own friends and family, and those of our employees, who have the requisite skills and experience. The key, however—and we have indeed learned this the hard way—is that there is no preferential treatment when it comes to performance and adherence to the company values. Maybe the most important message we have learned to share with the folks who come into the company with privilege (whether it is real or simply perceived) is this: Privilege comes with increased responsibility to demonstrate alignment with the company values and be an unimpeachable performer and a contribution to one’s team.  You might want to add this message to the list of bullet points above.

You inadvertently stepped into a bit of quicksand and will have to proceed very carefully to extricate yourself without losing your self-respect, possibly your reputation, and of course, at the very worst, your job.  Get as much support as you can, and feel out the power dynamic to decide your path. Keep your wits about you. And be deliberate whether you choose to go into battle or duck and wait it out.

The one thing I can say for sure is this: even if The Prince doesn’t learn a little humility at this stage of his working life, he will at some point. Life humbles all of us eventually. Would it be better for him to get the memo now, while he is young enough to really benefit? Of course it would. It just may not be your job to make sure that happens.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently recommended a former colleague for a job in my company. Months have gone by since then, and our company has restructured. The job she applied for was recently offered to her, and she has accepted. When I made the recommendation, she would have been joining a different department so would have reported to someone else.  Since then, we have restructured and now she is going to report to me.

When I worked with her ten years ago, she was senior to me. She is at least fifteen years older and I was just getting started. She has remained at the same level. I know this because she was vocal about how she didn’t want to trade her family life for work advancement. I, on the other hand, have basically done that because I am super ambitious.

I recommended her because I know she is smart and competent, but it never crossed my mind that I would be her boss. God knows I need the help, so I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. But I am really worried and not sure how to handle the weirdness of this.

What would you recommend?

The Junior Is Now the Boss

__________________________________________________________________

Dear The Junior Is Now the Boss,

You’re right. Weird indeed. But not unheard of. You don’t have to apologize for your ambition or your success, so don’t do that. But you don’t have to lord it over anyone either. Just the fact that you are concerned about the potential awkwardness of the situation makes me suspect that you wouldn’t. You both made choices, and that’s okay.

I think the only way to approach the situation is to initiate a conversation about it. Be honest about how you feel and encourage her to be honest about how she feels. You should be ready to share your desire to help her be as successful as possible in her new job and invite her ideas about how you can do that.

Help her understand the culture of this company and specifically how it might be different from where she came from. Make sure she fully grasps her job responsibilities, how to prioritize, and when to escalate when she is unsure. She obviously brings a lot of solid experience—so you can assess together what skills you think might be transferable and what might be new to her.

If you aren’t familiar with our SLII® Model, which will help you partner with your former colleague and give her what she needs when she needs it, you can find a handy e-book here. This will make it easy for you to let her fly in the areas that make sense and offer the right mix of direction and support in areas where she may need to find her feet.

The last thing you want is an elephant in the room that you both tiptoe around. Get all the cards out on the table, show respect for her experience and skills, and you will be fine.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a team of eight employees. One of them is dealing with a personal crisis outside of work and I can see he is struggling. This isn’t the first time I’ve had an employee dealing with crisis, given COVID, but somehow I have managed to get by.

I want to be the compassionate, supportive leader he needs, but I also don’t want to pry too much or blur the lines on our professional relationship. I just don’t have training to be a therapist or counselor and I need clear direction.

Can you help?

Wanting to Up My Game

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Wanting to Up My Game,

The problem with managing humans is that they are—well, humans. Being human is complicated and often hard. No one is immune from accidents, illness, addiction, mental health crises, emergencies, or acts of God (Fire! Floods! Earthquakes! Tornadoes!) that happen to them or a loved one. Most employees will have a spouse/partner, children, and/or aging parents who will inevitably need the kind of attention that will bleed into workdays and cause distraction. On my own team of seven we recently had one person whose husband, a police officer, was shot and killed in the line of duty, one person whose mother was in hospice care, one whose brother-in-law died suddenly, and yet another whose brother was in a tragic accident. And the rest of us all had happy distractions—graduations, engagements, weddings. As you can imagine, getting the work done was chaotic and a team effort.

My experience is that as organizations seek efficiencies, teams get leaner and leaner and there is absolutely no wiggle room. People can’t take vacation time because there is no backup for them. Employees can’t afford to get sick, can’t afford for a child to get sick, and don’t have the time to deal with a parent who has fallen and been rushed to the hospital with a broken elbow. So not only are employees stretched to the max with work commitments, any added personal commitments can feel completely overwhelming.

How, as a manager, do you address this?

The first order of business is to get very familiar with whatever support is available to employees through your EAP. I will admit that I don’t pay any attention to all the emails I get from HR about the amazing benefits available to me and my dependents until I need to. This will be true for most people. So the more you know, the quicker you can direct people to the kinds of support that is probably free for them, and the better.

The next step is to build your relationship with your HR Business Partner (HRBP), if you have one. Again, most of us don’t think about them until we need them, but it is literally their job to help you navigate difficult situations and avoid potential legal traps. In my career as a manager, I have lost two employees to cancer and the cases were totally different. One employee wanted to come to work until she literally couldn’t anymore and another wanted to step out of the job right away. In both cases, our HR team was with me every step of the way to offer clarity on short-term and long-term disability insurance, honoring the wishes of the stricken employee as much as possible, and making sure they were properly taken care of all the while juggling the need for backup resources so the work still got done.

Once you know what your options are in terms of where and how to direct people who could use help, you need a clear guide to diplomacy so you can have the hard conversations. There is a fine line between being empathetic, having compassion for someone, and giving them the space they need to take care of a personal issue—and feeling taken advantage of. Here is an article about Leading with Empathy that sheds some light on how to avoid crossing that line.

In Leadership is An Art, Max de Pree said “The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality.” The last thing you want to do is pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t, so ultimately it will be up to you to gather your courage and take the plunge to address the situation head on. For this, I would direct you to our wonderful Conversational Capacity model that urges finding the sweet spot between candor and curiosity.

You don’t mention in your letter just how much your employee’s “struggling” is affecting his performance, so it is important for you to assess your own needs and needs of your team before you have a conversation. You want to be crystal clear on what you hope to achieve by having the conversation. So—what do you want?

• Do you want to simply extend empathy? Do you want to let your employee know that you have noticed that he is struggling, you can see that he is valiantly trying to cope, and you want him to know you are there for him if he wants to talk?
• Do you hope your employee will get help? And you want him to know about and take advantage of the support available to him? He might be insulted, but the fact is that it is your job as a manager to make sure that employees know and use their benefits.
• Do you need to make a request for your employee to get back on track performance-wise? Hard to do without feeling like a monster, but again, reality is reality.
• Do you think your employee should take time off? Be ready with details on short-term disability options.
• Something else?

The clearer you are about what you want to achieve going into the conversation, the better off you will be. So, in your case you might plan the conversation like this:

Start with Candor

State your position: This is what I am noticing, this is the impact on your work, this is the impact on the team, this is the impact on our ability to meet our deadlines and commitments, and something needs to be done to address the situation. Focus on what’s true with no judgment or blame.

Explain your thinking: Share the evidence you used to arrive at your position and how you have interpreted that evidence. Keep things strictly evidence-based and not personal. There is no reason you can’t say to your employee exactly what you said in your letter: “I want to be the compassionate, supportive leader [you] need, but I also don’t want to pry too much or blur the lines on our professional relationship.”

Follow with Curiosity

Test your perspective: Ask if there is anything you have missed, if you might have a blind spot, or if there is something you should know.

Inquire into the views of others: Ask if there might be another perspective. Encourage your employee to be truthful and candid without sharing anything that doesn’t need to be shared. Invite ideas on how the situation might realistically be addressed. You might say: “I need your help to brainstorm the best path forward so that you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself and I can do what I need to do to take care of the team and meet our deadlines.”

It may be very hard for your employee to face the reality of his situation and to admit his struggling is affecting his performance. It is possible that the hard conversation will help him face the truth and leave him open to considering options. If he seems to feel exposed, is sensitive and thoughtful, and seems unprepared, you will want to be ready to offer him time to think about his options and come back for another conversation. Take it step by step.

I have been teaching coaching skills for almost 30 years to managers in organizations and I have lost count of the times I have heard the statement: “It sounds like you are asking us to be therapists.”

No. Asking managers to be able to have personal conversations with other humans about the human condition, and their human experience in particular, is simply asking them to be human. Just listening to someone does not constitute therapy. You are not required to offer therapeutic services or counseling. You are required to listen, understand, offer any options and available solutions, and craft a reasonable go-forward plan to best meet the needs of all stakeholders.

Just because people experience emotions when talking about what they are going through doesn’t mean you are now a psychologist. It just means they are having emotions. It took me a long time to remember to always have tissues available in my office, but I finally got that memo. Let’s face it, we are asking our people to bring themselves—their whole selves—to work. This is how we get the passion, the innovation, the commitment, and that magical discretionary energy. We can’t then turn around and ask them to leave parts of themselves at home (or these days, in another part of the house).

And just for the record, you managed to “get by” through COVID, so I would argue that you are already doing something right.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

What do I do if I just can’t connect with one of my direct reports?

I was recently promoted and inherited a whole new team in addition to the one I had before. The team is good and was well led (the leader left for another opportunity).

I get along really well with everyone on the team—except for one person. She never smiles. In my efforts to get to know her better, she has offered monosyllabic answers to questions. For example, when I asked her what she does for fun, or to relax, she literally said “nothing.” When we do our social connection stuff on team calls, she never contributes.

I have never encountered this kind of thing before. I am thinking maybe she doesn’t like me or maybe just doesn’t like men. (Her former boss was female.)

I find myself avoiding having one on ones with her and not thinking of her when it comes to giving out assignments, which I know isn’t fair. I am supposed to have career development conversations with all of my people, and I am dreading trying to do that with her.

Any thoughts on this?

Shut Out

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Shut Out,

There are any number of things potentially going on here. But no matter what, there is one rule of thumb that will help you as you sort through it:

Do. Not. Take. Anything. Personally. Ever.

Especially other people’s personalities or behavior. Especially anything your direct reports do.

OK. Now we are clear on that.

There are a couple of ideas you might consider. Get in touch with her former leader and ask if there is anything you should know. If that isn’t an option, call your HR business partner and ask if there is anything you need to know about the folks on your new team. If your employee who is making you uncomfortable is in fact Neurodivergent, someone in HR probably knows about it and possibly forgot to give you a heads up. If that is the case, there may be some recommendations or guidelines for you there. If that is not the case, you may very well be dealing with someone who is exceptionally introverted and/or shy. Maybe both. I know many introverts for whom the social aspect of team calls is a nightmare. I know many introverts who take a very long time to trust and warm up to new people. When people are introverts, it is simply a personality trait. It is not about you.

The question is: how is this person’s work—is it up to par? Does she meet deadlines? Does she work cooperatively with others? You don’t mention this, so I am assuming the answer to all of the questions is yes. It doesn’t sound like anyone on the team has complained about her. If this is the case, there is no reason to dread having a career conversation with her.

You can ask the questions, maybe provide them to her in writing before the conversation so she doesn’t feel put on the spot. Perhaps even give her the option of providing her answers in writing so she doesn’t have to deal with the discomfort of a video call. The questions might be something like:

• Are you engaged and satisfied in your current job?
• Do you think you are able to use your skills and strengths in your job?
• Do you see yourself moving or changing jobs in the company? If so, where?
• What/who is going to slow you down or stop you from getting there?
• What/who is needed to facilitate your getting there?
• Is there anything about you that you think I should know?
• Is there anything else you want me to know?

Possibly your company has given you a format for career conversations—you can certainly use that.

In the end, you don’t need your employee to like you, to smile, or to be friendly. You just need to build trust so she respects you, and let her get on with doing her job. I suspect the harder you try to get her to conform to the kind of behavior that makes you feel good, the more she will resist.

So relax. Let her be herself. Trust that she won’t attend the office bowling party and that it doesn’t have to mean anything, and be okay with it. Remember: the way people behave is not about you, it is about them.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a new friend at work, and she is so great. At least she was. We met when we volunteered to be on a committee for a big company community outreach event. We work in different areas of the company. I have been here a lot longer, and am senior to her, but we really hit it off and have gotten together socially a few times.

At first our conversations were mostly about our lives—partners, kids, hobbies (we both love gardening, baking, and knitting). We are both African Americans who married non-African Americans (my spouse is white and hers is Asian). I have always had friends at work, but very seldom have I had this much in common with someone.

My issue is that lately, when she talks about work, it is all complaints. She bad-mouths her peers and is not happy with her workload . Most problematic is that she doesn’t respect her boss, whom I know well and respect a lot.

I think a lot of her assessments of people are unfair and her workload seems normal to me. Sometimes I wonder if she is complaining to me because she thinks that, as an executive, I might have the power to change things for her—which is not at all the case.  

I am not sure how to respond here. I find myself avoiding her, which isn’t going to work long-term because we are both still on the event committee. And I really believed she was, and is, special.

I think I know what I need to do but I’d appreciate any thoughts you might have.

Maybe Not BFFs

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Maybe Not BFFs,

I wish I knew what you think you should do! It is a funny dynamic I have observed; sometimes just taking the time to write a letter like this is all people need to get the clarity they are seeking.

This is one of those universal and perennial tricky situations—and it is especially tricky when there is a difference in seniority. The difference in seniority can cause an imbalance of power, or even just a perception of one.  The classic advice is that we should always maintain a professional distance with colleagues, but I have never been able to do that. I honestly think we all spend too much time at work to avoid developing close relationships, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. In addition, Gallup’s research has shown that engagement at work is vastly increased when people have a best friend at work. But it can get complicated.

Everybody has different definitions of friendship. You have to decide what yours is. To me, true friends are who you call to bail you out of jail or bring you food when you are bedridden. They also tell the truth when it matters; e.g., when my friend says something nasty about another friend, I will take exception, but I won’t share my opinion of her salmon loaf. If your definition includes being honest with each other when something that is said or done makes you uncomfortable, you have to come clean. It might sound something like this: “Hey, I have been thinking about some of the things you’ve been sharing with me, and I have to admit that it makes me a little uncomfortable. Would you be willing to hear my perspective on some of your observations?”

You can also ask what she is hoping for from you. Is she just venting? Or does she want you to do something to help her? Or does she want advice on how to handle certain situations—insight you might be able to share based on your longevity in the organization? This way, you honor your side of the implicit agreement we all make when we think of someone as a friend.

Her response will do one of two things:

• It will reassure you that her intentions are good and she is just loosening up and showing her true self. If you decide you can get past this aspect of your new friend, you can always ask to avoid work as a topic of conversation. You will also want to ask yourself if this deeper insight into her character is building your attraction to her or pushing you away.

OR

• It will confirm your suspicions. You already may have some certainty about your intuition that she has developed her relationship with you to gain some kind of edge and she is trying to manipulate you. If that is the case, I think it is always wise to go with your gut. If you decide she is not who you thought she was, and you want to distance yourself a bit, you can be perfectly cordial when you are together and simply decline any further invitations to socialize outside of work. I am not a big fan of lack of directness, but I do think, in some cases, simply taking one’s foot off of the friendship-building accelerator can work nicely. You can remain friendly acquaintances at work. I am sure you have plenty of those.

As a family member in a family-owned business, I was once told by a former business owner that I could never be true friends with any employees of the company. I have been testing that out for more than a decade now, and I just don’t think it is true. But I am a lot more careful than I once was.

Please do let me know what happens!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to lead a team I’ve been on for over a year. We started out with a very good team leader, but it became apparent that he was leading too many teams and didn’t have the time. He recommended to his boss that I take it on. He asked me if I was interested and I said yes, and the next thing I knew it was a done deal. Normally in my company, jobs are posted, people apply, and it all feels equitable. But this time, probably because we are growing so fast and there is so much going on, they skipped that step and just made the announcement. I guess because I am not getting a raise or a title change, they thought it would be okay to just cut to the chase.

Well, I wish they hadn’t. My peers—or I guess I should say former peers—are not happy about the way things went down. As I grapple with trying to find my footing, all I see on Zoom is a bunch of glum faces. When I ask questions, ask for ideas, or try to get discussion going, I get crickets. I used to have great relationships with everyone on the team and now I feel like they all hate me.

I feel very alone and there is so much work to do. I am afraid the team, in protest, will sabotage all of the good things we had going on. I am a nervous wreck. Help.

Thrown to the Wolves

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Thrown to the Wolves,

This sounds really hard. I’m so sorry.

There are a couple of things here. It is clear that the process your former lead used to replace himself skipped some critical steps—like giving you the job description and the terms of your agreement, for starters. I wonder if you would have agreed to take on that much more responsibility without a pay raise. I am raising one eyebrow here and wondering if you might want to revisit that decision. Perhaps you should have a conversation with your old team lead (if he is still your boss) or your new boss.

Now. How to get your team onboard with you as their leader? It will take some guts, but if you don’t create a space to talk about the herd of elephants in the room, I don’t know that you will be able to get past it. Start with the truth: you were barely consulted and were tossed into the deep end. It will be hard to tell the truth without throwing your former team lead under the bus, but if you just stick to the facts about how things went down, you should be okay. You can call out that you understand how the process was unfair and that although you had no hand in creating the situation, you recognize how it must feel. Call out the weirdness of now being the boss of people who were your peers five minutes ago. If it feels right, go ahead and share the silver lining of having been peers with everyone on the team by noting the superpower of each member of the team. Say whatever you need to say about how awkward your position is, but keep it short and sweet. Give everyone on the team a chance to say whatever they need to say about it. The more you make it about them, the better off you will be.

Then share that you care about the whole team, you want success for everyone, and you can’t do it without them. Ask for their input on what it would look like if you did a good job. Listen carefully, take notes, and commit to anything that sounds reasonable. You might take their feedback, give it some thought, and create a list of commitments you feel confident you can keep.

The more you choose to come from a place of serving both the greater good of the team as a whole and the success of each individual on the team, the more they will be willing to accept you in the role. For more on servant leadership, click here. Share your vision for how great the team can continue to be. Share the values you lean on as a leader, if you know what they are. Share your expectations of yourself. Lay out a list of all the cool things the team is working on and connect each one to the goals of the organization so they are reminded of the importance of the work you are all doing.

In the next meeting, get input from the team on what has been working well and what they might want to change in the team culture, so that you all have an opportunity to build the team anew.

As you go, you will want to set up one-on-one meetings with each member of the team. Ask questions and just listen to the answers. Questions might be something like:

• Other than your feeling betrayed about how the transfer of leadership happened, is there anything I have done that has broken trust with you?
• What can I do to gain your trust?
• What else do you want me to know?
• Is there anything you see that you think I should start doing, stop doing, do more of, do less of?
• Do you have any specific interests or strengths you have not been able to leverage as much as you’d like that I should know about?
• What other advice do you have for me?

Meeting one-on-one with you will give team members an opportunity to vent their feelings more candidly than they might have in the group. Just really listen, reflect back what you hear, ask clarifying questions. Don’t defend yourself or get into a discussion. If you feel compelled to discuss something, make a note and loop back and do it in a subsequent conversation.

The more you are willing to be vulnerable and listen, the quicker your team will get over themselves and get back to work.

If you weren’t capable of managing this very difficult situation, your former team lead wouldn’t have chosen you. Remind yourself of what you are best at and trust yourself to be smart, caring, and attentive. You will have a cohesive wolf pack before you know it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Trust is the foundation of success, and the pandemic is putting enormous pressure on it.

COVID has created a historic amount of stress and anxiety, which is testing the bonds of trust we have with each other. Making things more difficult is how seldom leaders and team members meet face to face these days, combined with how often the nature of technology causes us to misinterpret each other’s intentions. All this makes us liable to arrive at incorrect conclusions about trustworthiness.

Trusted leaders who have quality relationships with their team members are thriving. But leaders who have a trust deficit with their people are having a rough ride—and any chinks in their armor are being magnified.

Trust Comes from Behaviors

The challenge with trust is that most of us don’t think about it until it’s been broken. Trust is based on experiences—our interactions with individuals and leaders in an organization. It’s personal and fluid. We have to pay attention to it.

As a leader, consider whether you could be inspiring trust or eroding it. Now, take into account how the pandemic has made trust even more essential—and more fragile.

Four Ways to Build and Restore Trust

How can leaders diagnose their relationships and improve them? We teach the four elements of trust: Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable (ABCD).

• Able: Can you do what you say you can do? Do you demonstrate competence? Do you have the skills, knowledge, and expertise to be good at what you do? Do you have a track record of success? Does your performance inspire trust in others?

• Believable: Do you act with integrity? Do you walk your talk? Do your behaviors align with your values? Do your values mirror your organization’s values?

• Connected: Do you really care about your people? How much care do you demonstrate in your relationships? Do you have your people’s best interests in mind? Or do you have a hidden agenda? One of the simple truths of leadership Ken Blanchard and I discuss in our new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, speaks to the importance of connection in building trust: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Our level of interpersonal connection with others is what fans the flames of trust in those relationships.

• Dependable: Do you honor your commitments? Are you reliable? Will you do what you say you’re going to do?

Leaders who study these four elements are able to build and restore trust. It’s common sense, but not common practice.

Here’s what I tell leaders when I give talks and run workshops: Keep it simple. Start with the basics. Demonstrate behaviors that align with the ABCDs. You’ll build trust and be viewed as trustworthy. It’s not complicated.

Trust, Psychological Safety, and the Extraordinary

Trust and psychological safety go hand in hand. Psychological safety is feeling safe enough to speak up, take a risk, or share ideas without fear of the consequences. And psychological safety translates into improved employee engagement, increased productivity, more collaboration, and behaviors that are required for corporate success.

The ABCDs of trust create an environment where people feel comfortable being vulnerable. That’s essentially what psychological safety is. Do you feel safe enough to be vulnerable in expressing ideas, sharing information, and speaking your truth without fear of punishment?

When people feel trusted and safe, the extraordinary can happen.

Look at it this way. There’s no need for trust if there’s no risk involved. We’re certain the sun’s going to come up tomorrow. That’s a sure thing; a guarantee. Trust isn’t required. 

But what if I’m in a group meeting with my boss, who says something that I know is wrong? It might be risky for me to speak up and tell the boss that they’re incorrect. Do I trust my boss to hear the feedback dispassionately? Are contrary opinions welcome? Or even encouraged?

Trust and psychological safety create a virtuous cycle. They foster safe environments, which allow people to flourish and accomplish the remarkable.

The ABCDs: Guideposts for a Tumultuous Time

The pandemic is a great trust experiment. It is forcing organizations and leaders to extend massive amounts of trust in new and different ways.

Just think back to March 2020, when organizations were rushing to get their people set up to work remotely and were scrambling to keep the lights on. Literally overnight, organizations extended massive amounts of trust to their employees to do whatever it took to keep the business afloat. In 2021 we started to settle into a weird new normal of hybrid work as some organizations started bringing people back to the office. The new COVID variants in 2022 are the latest gut-punch to trust between leaders and their people. But no matter what the pandemic throws at us, we have to continue building and restoring trust.

The pandemic is running its chaotic course and the great trust experiment continues. But there is good news in the midst of the tumult. The ABCDs of trust are lampposts that light the way to a brighter tomorrow. Use them and you’ll be better prepared to meet any challenges in your path.

Editor’s Note: Interested in learning more? Join Randy Conley and Ken Blanchard for a free webinar on January 26. Randy and Ken will be sharing key concepts from their new book, Simple Truths of Leadership. Use this link to register!

I posed that question to over 100 participants in a series of workshops I recently conducted for a client. As you might suspect, about half the people thought relationships was the most important word. Their rationale essentially boiled down to people are the ones who do the work in the organization, and if you want them to produce good results, you need to nurture good relationships.

The other half of the group advocated that results was the most important word. Their argument was that without good results, positive relationships don’t matter. If you aren’t winning—however that is defined for your organization—then nothing else counts.

What is your answer to that question? If you said and, then bravo, you’re correct! (Did the title of the article give it away?!)

Organizational leaders often have an either/or attitude toward results and people. Those who focus too heavily on results may have trouble creating and sustaining great relationships with their people, and leaders who mainly focus on relationships may have trouble getting the desired results.

Placing too much emphasis on relationships to the detriment of results is perhaps the biggest misconception of servant leadership. That couldn’t be further from the truth! You can get both great results and great relationships if you understand the two parts of servant leadership:

• The leadership aspect focuses on vision, direction, and results—where you as a leader hope to take your people. Leaders should involve others in setting direction and determining desired results, but if people don’t know where they’re headed or what they’re meant to accomplish, the fault lies with the leader.
• The servant aspect focuses on working side by side in relationship with your people. Once the vision and direction are clear, the leader’s role shifts to service—helping people accomplish agreed-upon goals. Serving your people in this way builds high-trust relationships and results in highly engaged team members.

The simple truth is servant leadership is the best way to achieve both great results and great relationships. It’s common sense, but not always common practice.

I invite you to join me and Ken Blanchard for a live virtual talk on January 26, 2022, where we’ll discuss this and other simple truths of leadership and trust from our new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust. The event is free, but registration is required.

Randy Conley is Vice President of Professional Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. His award-winning blog, Leading with Trust, has influenced over 4 million viewers since its inception in 2012. His LeaderChat posts appear the fourth or last Thursday of every month. You can follow Randy on Twitter @RandyConley or connect with him on Linked-In.

Dear Madeleine,

I had a best friend at work for several years, but about six months ago she left and took another job. I was very sad but after a while started becoming friendly with a newer employee. I’ll call her Rose.

I thought Rose and I were on the same page until last week when someone told me she had heard Rose telling others some things I had told her in confidence. I am shocked and hurt. I think of myself as a good judge of character, so I am really thrown by my own misjudgment.

In the meantime, I still have a regular lunch date scheduled with Rose—who I now know isn’t really a friend. I canceled for this week, claiming I had too much to do because of the holiday, but what should I do going forward?

Feeling Betrayed

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Feeling Betrayed,

It is so important—and, of course, always tricky—to have BFFs at work. There are a couple of issues in your letter, so I will tease them out and address them individually.

Your need for friendship: You are clearly someone who has a high need for camaraderie and intimacy throughout your daily life, which includes your workday. It would make things easier if you were able to compartmentalize and put aside that need while you are working, but needs are needs. And, to be fair, research shows that people who have a best friend at work tend to be more engaged overall.

As a business leader, I can say with absolute certainty that I want all of my people to bring their whole selves to work, because God knows we all spend so much time there! The key here is finding a way to get your need for a work friend met without putting yourself at risk. Confiding in someone you are not entirely sure is trustworthy is risky, as you have just experienced.

There is no reason you can’t keep up your hunt for a new BFF. You might try to find ways to connect with your old BFF to tide you over until you find your person. The more you take care of yourself in that regard, the less susceptible you will be to making another bad judgment call.

This brings me to your concern about your ability to assess character. Assessing character is notoriously delicate. I know very few people who are truly gifted in that regard. Just when I think I have become really good at it, I make a mistake and feel like I am back at square one. The guiding motto I had for a long time—“I trust people until I see evidence that they can’t be trusted”—is naïve, faulty, and tends to backfire. It set me up to fail. A motto that works better is “I take things slow and build trust over time as I see evidence that a person is trustworthy.” That is more realistic. It could make you a bit guarded, though, which may feel uncomfortable at first.

One of my all time favorite models (from anywhere, not just from Blanchard) is our Trust Model. Essentially, it breaks down the four elements of trust:

1. Is this person Able—do they demonstrate competence?
2. Is this person Believable—do they act with integrity?
3. Is this person Connected—do they show that they care about others?
4. Is this person Dependable—do they honor commitments?

As far as I can tell, Rose failed the Trust test on all four counts.

1. She was incompetent at keeping your confidence, which is a basic skill of friendship.
2. She proved she lacked integrity when she used your confidence to try to build social connection with another person. (Sharing gossip is a known way to build social connection—you can read more about that here.).
3. Clearly, Rose does not care enough about you and your request to keep your secrets.
4. And finally, she did not honor her commitment to you.

You might think about using these four dimensions when it comes to judging character in the future. It doesn’t mean someone you are otherwise extremely fond of would need to be cut off, but it can inform the ways in which you trust (or don’t).

For example, I have dear friends whom I trust with some things but not others. One in particular would answer a phone call at 2 AM and bail me out of jail, but I wouldn’t trust her with money. Another is brilliant, caring, and lots of fun but can’t keep a secret to save her life, so I don’t share anything I don’t want to be shared. One of my bestest of all best friends overcommits and will always be late. Using the Trust Model to assess what can and can’t be expected from people can really help you navigate the grey areas.

You have two options. You can decide to cut Rose off and simply distance yourself from the relationship with her by canceling future lunches—after a couple of cancelations, she’ll get the message. Or you can have the hard conversation with her. Share that you heard she had broken your confidence, it shocked you, hurt your feelings, and made you question your own judgment. Ask for an apology and give her a chance to apologize. How she responds will tell you everything you need to know about whether or not there is a chance to have a real relationship. If she listens, owns it, and apologizes, maybe you can start back at square one and build something worthwhile. Sometimes an early breach of trust and an earnest attempt to repair can build the strongest relationships of all. And if she isn’t accountable for her indiscretion? Well, you gave her a chance. Her true character will be revealed in that moment.

Even if you are able to start over with Rose, I would recommend not sharing anything you don’t want repeated, at least for awhile. The old adage holds true here: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

In the end, what you really don’t want is an enemy at work. Whether you ghost her or have the frank conversation, you don’t have control over how Rose responds to you. But you can control your own behavior by not gossiping about her and by being kind and respectful in all interactions from here on out. A bumper sticker I saw recently pretty much says it all.

In the future, give things a little more time before you jump in with both feet. I am sure you will either find a new BFF or turn around this situation around. Don’t worry too much about your ability to assess character. People are complicated, unpredictable, and confounding. Every time I think I can’t be surprised by the way people behave, I find myself once again surprised—both for better and for worse. The more I learn about humans (and my entire life is dedicated to understanding them), the less I know. So cut yourself some slack and just be a little more cautious in the future.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a team lead in the R&D department of a pharmaceutical company. We are all scientists and engineers and the work is interesting and fun. I really like managing my team and they seem to be happy with me.

My problem is that my new boss is just awful. We loved our former boss; he was kind and smart and took us to new levels of creativity and problem solving. The new guy—we all call him the “Ice King”—came in from the outside and doesn’t seem to care about any of us. He is cold and mean.

I dread being in meetings with him. He walks in right on time and hands out the agenda, which he sends in advance with clear instructions about who should prepare what. He never smiles, never laughs. When he is okay with something, he just nods his head with a frown on his face. If he disagrees or, God forbid, catches an error, he looks thunderous and says, “That’s incorrect, fix that.”

Most managers I have worked with have one-on-one meetings with their people. I do them with my team, but honestly, my boss is so off-putting that I am grateful he doesn’t have them with me. I dread the performance review I have coming up in a few months.

How can we get him to lighten up and be nicer?

Scared of My Boss

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Scared of My Boss,

You can’t. Okay, you could try, but it probably isn’t worth your time and energy. You can’t really fix people. People can change—but in my experience, it is rare, and they need a really compelling reason.

You will have a much better result if you put your attention on changing yourself.

Here is the thing, Scared—you are taking your boss’s behavior personally when, in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You miss your former warm and fuzzy boss. I get that. And I am sorry for your loss. But your new boss just sounds like a personality that is way down on the “introverted and analytical” end of the continuum. IT. ISN’T. PERSONAL.

So what would happen for you if you told yourself that the Ice King is super analytical, is only interested in accuracy and facts, has zero people skills, and is probably mystified by all of his direct reports who are wanting him to be something he is not?

It doesn’t actually sound like there’s anything to be afraid of except maybe showing up with anything but impeccable work. And even then, it sounds like he will simply point out your mistakes so you can fix them. Ice King is at least offering you clarity, consistency, and certainty. Those are good things.

The minute you stop wishing Ice King would be different, just accept that he is the way he is, and let that be okay and not about you, you will feel a lot better. At least you know where you stand with people like this. Just the facts, ma’am. No politics, no hidden agendas; just get the work done, accurately, on time and under budget.

Prepare diligently for your performance review. Make sure it is well thought through, comprehensive, and above all, correct. You will be fine. Once you stop judging him, he might just surprise you.

You clearly prefer a warm and fun, collegial atmosphere. Fine, you can nurture those things within the culture of your team. They aren’t important to your new boss, and that’s okay. There’s a big difference between a real problem and something you don’t like. This is only a problem if you decide to let it be one.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

It still will be months until my company invites us all back to work in the office, so until then, we are all WFH. I miss my work friends and the hallway conversations that helped us deal with situations on the fly. I definitely don’t miss the commute or having to make myself presentable every day. I’ve saved literally hundreds of dollars in dry cleaning fees!

A co-worker has invited me to a face to face, after work drinks gathering. I understand about ten people are going—some I know very well who seem sensible and some I don’t know at all. It is to take place indoors at a popular restaurant near work. The COVID-19 numbers in our town are going down and people seem to think it is safe to go out.

My parents live nearby, and I have been dropping off meals and running errands for them about three times a week. I go into their house, put groceries away, do some laundry, and hang out a little to keep them company. I’ve been very careful. I have no way of knowing if the people going to the meetup have been taking safety precautions, but when I asked if we would all be wearing masks my co-worker just laughed. I laughed too, but it seems like a red flag. I don’t feel comfortable grilling people on their behavior regarding the virus, partly because it seems judgy—but also, the topic has become so political in ways I don’t really understand or care about.

I would like to go, though, because I am going a little stir crazy. I like the idea of supporting the restaurant. Also, I value my work relationships and don’t want to be out of the loop. But I have my parents to think about. It all feels too risky to me.

Am I being ridiculous?

Nervous Nellie

Dear Nervous Nellie,

Although I feel invincible myself (with no evidence whatsoever, mind you), I have at-risk in-laws. Since a high priority is spending time with them, you can call me Nellie, too.

How it all got political is beyond me. All I care about is avoiding an error in judgment that could cause pain or suffering to someone I love. That’s what I am hearing from you. In fact, I hear that you are willing to sacrifice some fun and connecting time—and possibly even maintaining your edge at work—to keep your parents safe. That sounds like care and kindness to me, not ridiculousness.

Let’s consider some options.

• You could call your friend and explain your situation. I have experienced a couple of events now where everyone who was going to meet in person talked through the rules of engagement before the event. All had to be willing to practice extreme safety for two weeks before the event and everyone got tested before the event. That may be overkill in this case, but I do think an in-person gathering needs some agreed-upon guidelines at this point in the evolution of the pandemic. If the majority are willing to just wing it, well, you have your answer. You don’t have to judge people who are willing to take risks, but you also don’t need to be one of them.
• You could suggest/find an outdoor venue to replace the indoor venue, which could lower the risk of being exposed.
• You could take your chances, attend the event, and have someone else tend to your parents’ needs for two weeks. Give yourself a little break from being so responsible.
• You could decide to play it safe and ask your friends to FaceTime you into the gathering. I mean, that’s a drag, but it would be something. Just think, you wouldn’t need a designated driver!

Ultimately, you are allowed to have your concerns even if you are afraid that some people might hold it against you. You can share your concerns and what is true for you without criticizing or censuring anyone else. How others respond is up to them. I tend to think of choices in terms of potential future regrets. These hard, fraught times will pass (eventually—not nearly quickly enough), and your future self will be so much happier if you and your parents get through it all unharmed.

Follow your best judgment and, more importantly, your heart. You don’t have to call yourself names.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a middle-aged accounting professional; I pride myself on working quickly and accurately. I was hoping this would be my last position and I could enjoy having a solid job that would take me to my retirement.

I am in a CPA firm with three partners who are pretty much hands-off. Recently the young (mid-30s) woman who was essentially the office manager has been promoted to supervisor. It appears that a little bit of power has driven her insane. She is overly controlling, totally OCD, and acts like she owns the place. She even gives direction to the partners—my coworkers and I have witnessed them rolling their eyes. Behind her back we call her Diva. We do have a would-be HR person, and when I went to discuss with her I learned she is clearly aware of what she called Diva’s “odd personality.”

On top of everything else, Diva talks constantly about how women in their 50s and 60s “lose it” and “act weird.” Our whole group is made up of women between the ages of 49 and 59. It is insulting.

The behaviors are escalating, and I am having a hard time biting my tongue. The stress is becoming unbearable and my husband is sick of hearing me complain.

Thoughts?

Biting My Tongue

Dear BMT,

I am sorry that your nice, comfortable situation is being upended by a personality. Ultimately, you are going to have to do something to manage your stress and take care of yourself. Your HR person is clearly not going to help, and if Diva is keeping everything running smoothly, the partners aren’t likely to do anything to rock the boat.

Here are some possible choices for you:

Look for another job. I know it is daunting to seek employment in your 50s. However, I know small firms are always looking for solid, reliable professionals, especially ones who aren’t going to be agitating for development, more money, or a career path. When you leave, you can certainly state that your reason for leaving is the cuckoo behavior of the supervisor. If the partners realize she is costing them good employees, they will probably pay attention—because attrition and the need to hire and train new employees is a very real cost.

Draw some boundaries. Identify the behaviors that are beyond the pale, practice what you will say next time she does them, and be ready to say something. You should practice with someone safe so you can keep a reasonably neutral tone. An example might be: “Please don’t say insulting things about middle aged women to me” or “Please wait until I finish this task to give your feedback, it is still a work in progress.”

Suck it up. Use this as a customized spiritual development program to develop more patience, generosity, and kindness. Put yourself in Diva’s shoes and consider what is driving the behavior. Visualize a white bubble around yourself that protects you from Diva’s annoying behavior and let things just roll off your protective bubble. At the very least, this will help you to manage your stress and will contribute to your sense of yourself as a person who strives to take the high road and be the best person you can possibly be.

Fight back. It is essentially illegal for managers to insult employees based on gender, sexuality, race or age, just to state a few (check the laws in your state). Your organization is actually at risk for being sued if it hasn’t trained its managers or if top management ignores complaints (which your HR person is doing). The ageist remarks could potentially constitute a hostile work environment, and you really could sue. Who wants a lawsuit? Well, not me, and not most people. But the threat might be of use to you. Record every instance of your supervisor saying nasty personal things. Documentation is essential and will be your leg to stand on.

I would suggest you check the marketplace and see if you can get another job that pays more and has nice people. Aim high! I’ll bet you can find one. Knowing it is possible for you to move will help you to be bold—to draw boundaries and lodge formal complaints. In the meantime, breathe deep, and remember that Diva’s behavior is about her and not you. Other people’s emotionally unstable behavior isn’t personal. Let it roll off your back.

Show Diva just how “weird” a middle-aged woman can be!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

What should I do about all of the requests I get from people who want to “pick my brain” or schedule an informational interview? My friends’ kids are all reaching the age where they are getting serious about having lucrative careers and satisfying jobs, and they’re all following the advice they’re getting to talk to people who have the jobs they think they might want some day. I have to be honest—I gave that advice to my own kid.

The problem is that if I said yes to all the young—and not-so-young—people who ask, I wouldn’t have time to do my actual job. I do have a great job. I’ve been lucky and worked hard. I don’t want to be a jerk, but one more request to have coffee will push me over the edge. How do other people handle this?

In Demand

Dear In Demand,

That’s a good question—and I had no idea how to answer it, so I asked around and did some Googling. The first thing that became clear is that the frustration is real and universal. Many report that it seems the folks who are requesting an informational interview are actually hoping you might be interested in hiring them or recommending them to someone else.

One woman I know who has a very cool job now does a 30-minute webinar once a month. When she gets a request, she just replies with an email or text invite with the date, time, and link for the next group call. She shares a couple of things that people might not know about her industry and then does Q&A. Sometimes she gets 3 people, and once she had upwards of 30. I thought that was a creative way to deal with way too many requests.

Most people I talked to came up with variations on putting the work back where it belongs—with the person making the request. Ask the requester to send you an email with their specific questions. Advise them to ask questions that they can’t get answered with a little bit of research. If enough people do this, and you write back enough answers, you can create an FAQ that you just respond with. To those who ask really insightful questions, you might offer a 15-minute phone call.

One very successful guy I know invites the interesting and insistent people to meet him at his local park to walk his two dogs with him at 5:00 a.m. That seems to really limit the field to those who are truly committed to a meeting!

You can’t be all things to all people, so you are right to set some boundaries and get a grip on this. Experiment with some of these ideas and find what works best for you. The people who are willing to meet you halfway and will be grateful and will self-select in, and those that are just checking a box will fall away.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I spent a decade of my career at a very sexy, high profile tech company and rose to a senior position. I worked 24/7 and my commute was a horror show. When my kids were little, my husband was traveling a lot for his job, and things started fraying around the edges, I decided to dial things back. I found a great position—a demotion—in a much smaller, not-at-all-sexy company. It took me a while to get used to a slower pace and a much more conforming, less creative culture. They have been doing things the same way here forever, and one of the reasons I was brought in was to pull us into the twenty-first century. I feel like I have finally settled in and am now doing really interesting and exciting things in my job.

My problem is one colleague.

She is at the same level as I am—a peer, essentially—but she has been at this company forever and doesn’t have much experience out in the modern world. I need to collaborate with her to accomplish my goals. I’ve tried several approaches, but she has literally ignored my emails, not returned my calls, and made herself inaccessible. I know she screens my calls and doesn’t pick up when she sees it’s me.

I’ve never had a problem creating relationships before now. I’ve always found a way to get along with everyone, even if it was hard. I finally came out and asked her what I was doing to cause her to be so hostile to me. I was shocked when she told me, straight out, that she is jealous of me—and therefore doesn’t like me and is committed to not working with me! She added that it was nothing personal and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was speechless. It would be one thing if she was unconscious about why she didn’t like me—that, I would understand. But how can someone just be okay with admitting to envy and accept that it’s okay to sabotage entire work projects because of it? It seems so childish and pathetic.

The worst thing is, I have no idea what to do now.

Green Eyed Monster at My Door

Dear GEM@MD,

Wow. This is a new one. Just when I think I can no longer be surprised by how frail and small human beings can be, I am as stunned as you are. I have often worked with folks who have had a badly behaved, envious colleague who seems to be unconscious of their motivations. But I agree—to be fully aware and conscious of such a low motive, and then consciously choose bad behavior and admit to it seems beyond the pale!

I immediately stooped to being as small and awful as your Green Eyed Monster—my first thought was that you should pour Elmer’s glue on her computer keyboard. But fun as that might be, it will not solve your problem. I had to go out to my advisory team* on this one, because I was stumped. Responses were quite varied, but I was not alone in my childish “glue on the keyboard” reflex.

Margie Blanchard wanted to know if you have a boss, and if there was any reason you couldn’t get some help there. She said: “Generally, I haven’t seen situations like this one resolve themselves and they can be very toxic to colleagues. This is why bosses exist.” My thought is that you probably don’t want to involve your boss unless you absolutely must, and you are trying to figure out how to deal with this yourself. To that end, the Blanchard Coaching Services team consensus is well summed up by Patricia Overland. We call this the “kill her with kindness and make her love you despite herself” approach.

• Always take the high road. Continue to invite—but not wait for—collaboration.
• Make your advocates aware. Don’t necessarily spill the beans about the conversation, but do ask for some advice on how you might engage the jealous person.
• Ask the person to imagine a situation where the two of you were working together incredibly well to create something spectacular. What would that look like? Then work to co-create that reality. (This one takes some Emotional Intelligence that the jealous person might not have, but it’s worth a shot!)
• If all else fails, don’t stop being fabulous. Make visible your intent to include and collaborate and find small ways to give the other person some credit, if possible.
• This is a relationship that will take time to build. Start small, build trust, and keep at it.

My approach would be to just plow ahead and tell the truth: go around her, above her, or below her to get done what you need to get done. If anyone asks why you are going about your business that way, tell the truth. Say, “Oh, Marci won’t work with me, but I have to carry on despite that.” No blame, no judgment, just a statement of fact.

When in doubt, it never hurts to take the highest possible road. No matter what happens, you will always know you did the right thing, did your best, and were the bigger person.

And if you do put glue on her keyboard, please don’t tell anyone it was my idea.

Love, Madeleine

*The unofficial Ask Madeleine Advisory Team is made up of the staff of Blanchard Coaching Services (Patricia Overland, Terry Watkins, Mary Ellen Sailer, Joanne Maynard, and Sally Smith), my sister, Mia Homan, and my mother-in-law, Margie Blanchard. My husband, Scott Blanchard, is also consulted on a regular basis but never gets any credit.

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I started a business with my best friend about ten years ago after the real estate bubble burst and we were both laid off from our financial services business. 

Against considerable odds, we have been very successful.  We decided when we started to grow that he would be CEO and I would CFO/COO.  The roles made sense in terms of our strengths and skill sets. 

In the past two years or so, my partner has let the title go to his head and has begun acting as if he is the sole head of the business.  He has been making decisions on his own, without consulting me, and treating me as if I am his employee, not his equal partner. 

We have identical financial stakes in the business and have been working side by side the whole time—so we are, in fact, business equals. It would bother me less if he weren’t making some poor decisions.  What do you think I should do?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

This situation should bother you a lot, even if he were making all good decisions.  Somehow you have given away your power to your partner and you need to cut it out.  Make a date to have a good chat. If he won’t commit to a time, sit in his office until he walks in.  You may have to force the issue because at this point he is probably avoiding you.  You must absolutely stop this situation before things spiral out of control.

Business partnerships are like marriages.  They both require a baseline of mutual affection and respect and a contract or code for behavior—but most important, they need wide open communication.  I wonder if you have set values for the business.  If so, you might be able to call on those.  Either way, something has shifted and you must address it now.

Prepare for the conversation by being clear about what behaviors are out of character and not working.  Do not attack him personally.  Formulate your requests for change and be prepared to make them.  Also be prepared to hear from him what you’ve been doing that is not working for him, as I am sure there are things that are going unsaid.

Somehow, something went sideways between the two of you—and you probably know what it was.  You need to get it all out on the table.  It wouldn’t hurt to work with a professional who can help the two of you communicate and set up rules of the road for moving forward. But that is in the future. I am a big fan of a technique from Paul and Layne Cutright called the “Heart to Heart Talk.” It’s a way of getting all the stuff that needs to be said between two people out on the table so that it can be discussed and they can move on. Randy Conley wrote about it in another Blanchard blog, which you can read here.  This technique could be step two. It’s very effective—but it requires the two participants to behave themselves and really act like grownups.

Please don’t let this go on much longer. The more you let your partner run amok, the more normal it will seem to everyone and the harder it will be to stop.  The longer you don’t stand up for yourself as an equal, the more he will treat you as if you’re not one.

Good luck, Concerned.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

There is a person on my team—a peer of mine—who rubs me the wrong way. Frankly, I just can’t stand her. She is a know-it-all, she talks incessantly, and she’s way too loud. She is constantly on the phone (not really required for the job), cracking her gum and throwing out commentary on what she is doing. Behind her back, the rest of us roll our eyes at her—which is kind of fun—but she really is annoying.

The reason this is a problem is that I know I am being promoted to team lead soon and this person will report to me. I just have no idea how to manage someone I hold in such contempt. Can I give her this feedback? Won’t she hate me? Or am I just …

Too Critical?

Dear Too Critical,

You might be. Perhaps you could use this as an opportunity to develop yourself to be more generous and kind. Or, if she is truly insufferable to everyone, you may be able to use your critical nature to help the gum snapper be more professional.

Let’s start with the ways this situation could be a spiritual development program for you. Has this happened to you before? Do you tend to judge others harshly and find them wanting? Or is this a one-off? Ask your nearest and dearest to give you an honest assessment—they are the ones who know you. If you are indeed judgmental, you’ll have your answer when your BFF laughs when you ask about it.

If it turns out you really are too critical, it is probably because you—like most humans—think everyone should be like you. Even though you are aware of how absurd this is, it is still a factor in how you frame your opinions. It might help you to understand implicit bias and the ways your brain works so that you can increase your awareness. You may also want to familiarize yourself with temperament theory—the ways in which people are different, why it matters, and how to use the knowledge to tailor your communication with others. These things are good to know even if you aren’t normally judgmental, especially if you are going to be leading a team.

Once you are team lead, the big question will be this: does gum snapper deliver what is required of her or not? Your assessment would be strictly on performance and you can give feedback based on that. If any given behavior is getting in the way of her doing her job, give feedback on that as well. If her behavior is keeping other team members from getting their jobs done, you can request that she cut it out. If you have reservations about giving feedback (and who doesn’t), you can refer to a past post here.

If she does her job consistently well, keep your opinions to yourself and keep developing trust by being in service and doing everything in your power to help her succeed. Find what is working—what she does well—and focus on that. Then over time, if things work out and if she asks, you can give her feedback about the ways she turns people off—in the service of her professional development and career growth. She probably won’t ever ask and that’s okay. By then, who knows? She might even have grown on you.

If she doesn’t perform well, and doesn’t respond to requests for changes, then presumably she won’t last in the organization and your problem is solved.

Be kind. Be fair. Be grateful she isn’t your boss. Cut her a little slack. If necessary, walk away or breathe deep and look away. Remember, she is just a person trying to get through the day like everybody else.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I made a resolution for the New Year that I was going to stop eating sugar and lose ten pounds. Sugar is my great weakness and I know if I cut it out I will stop craving it, lose weight, and feel better.

My problem is a colleague at work. Ever since I shared this information, this person who I thought of as a friend has been bringing in sugary treats. She comes by my desk and shows me the yummy thing of the day – truffles, fresh donuts still warm from the shop, etc. Yesterday it was her grandmother’s pear strudel. She has brought in treats before—that is her thing, homemade cookies and cakes for people’s birthdays—but this is now verging on the ridiculous.

It seems obvious that she is trying to sabotage me. So far I have resisted, but it feels like the more I resist, the harder she tries to tempt me. I am hurt and angry that she is doing this and am starting to avoid her. What is her problem? But more importantly, what to do?

Holding Strong

______________________________________________________________

Dear Holding Strong,

For starters, congratulations on your resolution and keeping to it. Sugar is addictive for some people and I know how hard it can be to give up. A true and embarrassing story: I recently hid a candy jar that was on a colleague’s desk that I had to pass several times a day because I had such a hard time resisting. She was not amused. I had to apologize for my infantile behavior.

I cannot tell you what your friend’s problem is, but I can tell you how weirdly common it is for people to want to test those who are making a real effort to change. Perhaps your friend viewed a shared pleasure in treats as a bonding element between you that might be lost now. There is a very good chance it is completely unconscious behavior and she thinks it is all in fun. But, really, the person to ask is your friend.

I suggest you don’t go right at it with “What is your problem?” Instead, start with how important the friendship is to you, tell her how important her support would be, and ask respectfully that she stop trying to tempt you. It is perfectly acceptable for you to request that she bypass you with offers of anything not on your program right now and leave treats in the break room for anyone who wants them. State how you feel without criticizing, and make a clear request for a change in behavior.

Good luck in your quest to be sugar free—you are an inspiration!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have just been promoted. This has been my career ambition and it has been a long time coming.  

I have been leading a large team of individual contributors and will now be managing three other managers in addition to some individual contributors.  Two of these managers had been my peers and both seem to support my promotion.  Neither of them applied for this job, so I don’t have that awkwardness to deal with.  

The other manager—let’s call her Hesha—is quite new. Her team was moved into my area shortly before my promotion as part of a reorganization.  I don’t know her at all, but from looking at her social media it does not seem that she has the experience for the job. Her former boss left the organization at the beginning of the reorganization. I don’t know if he left on his own or if he was let go.  

This former boss got in touch with me on social media and asked if we could talk.  In a short conversation he told me point blank that Hesha was the daughter of an old friend of our CEO, he had been forced to hire her, she had no idea how to do the job or manage people, and she was hostile to feedback.  He went on to tell me that she has a lot of power, she was the reason he got fired, and I’d better watch my back. Yikes.

I was flustered enough that I got off the phone before asking the useful questions that occurred to me after we hung up—but I have a bad feeling about calling him back. Frankly, I have a bad feeling about all of it.  What do you think?

Been Warned

Dear Been Warned,

Yuck.  Bad feelings indeed. What a cruddy way to start off on this exciting leg of your journey.

You really have no way of knowing if Former Boss was telling the truth or what his ultimate agenda is.  His getting in touch with you seems extreme and smacks a little of a desire to sabotage by sowing seeds of doubt.

It is entirely possible that Hesha does have power and that Former Boss was a terrible manager, or worse.  Perhaps he was truly motivated to help you—but I have to trust your bad feeling that clearly comes from something seeming not quite right.  You may be able to locate some folks in the organization who worked with Former Boss—they may be your peers now, so you should get to know them anyway—and learn from them whatever you can about Former Boss’s character.

Remember that the rumor mill must have been working overtime when this drama went down. Use the information you hear only to give you an impression; don’t expect it to be reliable.

I think the key thing to do is to file away the whole incident as a data point that may or not be useful in the future.  Make your own decision about Hesha.  Do an amazing job as a manager and be above reproach.  Take extreme care to set up the beginning of the relationship by setting crystal clear goals with her and having regular one-on-one meetings to check in.  Make clear from the start that you see part of your job as giving feedback and that she should expect to get timely and specific feedback from you.  Tell her that she is also welcome to ask for feedback any time.  The more intentionally you set things up in the beginning, and the more clarity you provide, the less room there will be for suspicion.

Give it some time and trust your gut.  You’ll know the truth soon enough.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work with a large team and I am getting overwhelmed by the number of requests to donate to different causes.

I am one of the few people on the team without kids, and I have never asked my coworkers to donate to causes I support. But I am barraged by requests to buy wrapping paper, cookie dough, give to school fundraisers, etc., for people’s kids. Other colleagues are forever walking, biking, and running to raise money for various causes. And don’t get me started on Kickstarter campaigns.

I do feel fortunate and I do give back by volunteering at an animal shelter, so I feel like I do my part. My big dream is to travel, so I have been trying to put all my spare cash in a kitty to save up for that.

I know these causes are good ones, so I am always torn—and I feel like if I don’t give, people will judge me. What do you think?

Bled Dry

Dear Bled Dry,

I get it. It would be nice to have unlimited funds to just give all the time–the research shows that it gives humans great pleasure to do so—but clearly you don’t have that kind of money.

Most of the causes you are approached about probably are completely worthy, as you’ve said. And you have every right to save for your big trip. Half of the problem is the tizzy you get thrown into every time you get a request. The kind of mental gymnastics you are forced into is exhausting and is not serving you.

So here is what I suggest—it will be fair to all requesters and will stop constant noise caused by all the requests. Look at your finances and decide what you can afford to give on an annual basis while still saving for your dream. It doesn’t have to be a lot—maybe $200 or something like that. Then, you give a small amount, say $5 or $10 dollars, to anyone who asks, until you reach your pre-determined limit. Then you tell folks that you have maxed out your giving budget for the year. Done.

You will be secure in the knowledge that you thought it through, made some choices, and are sticking to your financial plan. People can judge however they please—and honestly, some will judge no matter what you do. The important thing is that you know you are doing the best you can.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been part of a large team of great people for a few years. About a year ago we got a new boss.  He is a few years older than me and very smart and creative. We had an immediate connection because we went to the same school for undergraduate and are both huge fans of our school’s sports teams.  We became instant BFFs and have continued to get along great. 

The problem is that everybody thinks we are having an affair. I really don’t know how the rumor got started, but it didn’t occur to me to worry about it—it was just so nice to get along so well with the boss.  We are both married—he has two little kids—and it just isn’t the case. 

One of my pals on the team also told me there is a lot of gossip with people thinking I am getting special treatment, which isn’t true, either.

I am so bummed about this. I hate being judged for something I haven’t even done. How can I stop the gossip?

Unfairly Judged

Dear Unfairly Judged,

You can’t stop the gossip but you can wait it out.

You are just the entertainment du jour right now, and this too shall pass—unless you actually are having an emotional affair, in which case, you are going to need to make some changes.

Just because you are both married to other people doesn’t mean for one second that you couldn’t be having an affair.  It happens all the time.  And even if you aren’t having a physical affair, you may very well be having an emotional one. An emotional affair is when you click so well with someone that there is a level of intimacy that rivals or even eclipses what you have in your marriage.  I would challenge you to be brutally honest with yourself and tell the truth about whether or not you are flirting with this new BFF.

Ask yourself:  Do you go out of your way to spend time with your boss?  Do you think about him all the time? Do you spend time together without others around?  Do you spend time with each other outside of work?  Do you email or text constantly about non-work stuff?   If you are saying yes to any of this, you need to stop kidding yourself and get off the slippery slope.  Emotional affairs often slide into full affairs, and even when they don’t, they will impact how your boss treats you as well as both marriages.

If that is what is happening here, I highly recommend that you cut it out.  Discuss it with your boss.  Come clean with your husband and discuss what needs are being met in the BFF relationship that could be met in your marriage.  Talk to your best friends; they will also help you to get your feet back on the ground.  The more light you shine on this, the more quickly it will fade.

If the answer is no, and you are truly just friends and co-workers, great.  Take very good care and start managing the heck out of appearances, because they matter. Pay attention to the way the two of you behave, through the eyes of the others, when you are together. This will also give you much needed intel.

Do not communicate electronically about anything that is not work related.  I would even say to back off the sports talk except when you happen to see each other.  Do not—ever—be in the same room together alone unless you are visible to others—a glass conference room, for example.  Don’t ever talk about your friendship with others at work. Just pay attention, don’t give the gossips any fodder for the flames, and the whole thing will die down as soon as the next rumor comes along.

You may be getting stuck on how unfair that is.  It is unfair, but you have to remember that being good friends with the boss raises your status in the eyes of your co-workers, which makes them feel jealous and threatened.  “We are adults,” you might be thinking, “that is ridiculous!” Well, yes—and social neuroscience research shows that when it comes to status and fairness, our brains don’t know how old we are. They simply react as if we were all four years old and the kid sitting next us got a bigger piece of birthday cake.  So don’t blame your co-workers for being human. Their behavior is utterly predictable.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am about eight months into my first senior department manager position at a government agency.  I have a lot of experience in this sector and was brought in to shake things up and make some changes.  My boss literally told me that my job is to kick *ss and take names. 

After I had been on board a short while, everyone at my level underwent a 360 degree assessment—including me.  My results were terrible. 

My direct supervisor, her boss, and I had all thought I was doing really well, but my nine direct reports were brutal.  The open-ended comments were particularly mean. I have included the report for your review.

I know this is all on them, because I graduated from top schools and have had an extremely successful career so far. I took a look at the whole picture when I first took the job and I really do know exactly how to fix things—but I can’t get anyone to do what I tell them. What to do?

They Hate Me

Hi They Hate Me,

Wow.  They really do.  I have never seen results quite like this.  Clearly, your plan was to come in, decide on what changes needed to be made, and enforce all new ways of doing things.  But after reading the comments, it appears to me that you are not attempting to get any input at all from your team, who has been in the trenches for a long time.

The way I see it, you have two options:  continue the way you have been doing things—which will probably result in your needing to fire everyone and start fresh (tricky to do in a government agency); or figure out how to win hearts, minds and followership.  You simply aren’t going to succeed here unless you get your people on your side. I have written often about Power Dynamics, which explains that you are at the mercy of the fact that people can and will exercise their fundamental right to withhold cooperation.

The rest of what you need to know could easily be a book, and has been written about at length by the leadership greats.  Consider picking up The New One Minute Manager, because it boils things down simply and well.  In the meantime, here are some quick ideas for how you may improve your situation.

1. Get clear about the strategies and goals of your new regime. Spend time explaining what, how, and why to the whole team.  Get input on it all, listen carefully, and consider all ideas.
2. Publish, in writing, the final strategy and goals and once again explain the why and how.
3. Do not withhold information to use as a power tool. Share all of it.
4. Catch people doing things right, and praise publicly.
5. Re-direct when needed, in private, kindly.
6. If it doesn’t need to be said, don’t say it.
7. If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut. Never, ever call people names.
8. Remember how much power you have and how vulnerable your people (obviously) feel.

Intelligence and being right is only the ante to get into the game.  To actually win the game, you have to win people over.  This is often startling news to people—you are not alone.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I just started a new position with an organization that is pretty young in the association world. I accepted the job because everyone gets along really well and works as a team to accomplish yearly goals.

This type of culture is something I didn’t experience at my previous place of employment, but I was intensely craving it.  

I am in a leadership role and am responsible for creation and development of programs. My position is fairly new and the person who held it before me is still with the company. 

Here are my questions: 

• I love the close bond everyone has with each other, but it’s hard to see where I fit in with the team. Everyone has strengthened their bond over time and there is no way I can catch up. We have fewer than 10 people in the office. How do I develop relationships with everyone when it appears cliques are already established? 
• There is a ton of ambiguity in my position since it’s fairly new. What questions should I ask to get a clear understanding of expectations? 
• When is too soon to make organization recommendations? From an outsider’s perspective, I see a couple of things that if changed would benefit the organization. However, I’ve been on board for less than four months.  

Looking for Friends 

Dear Looking for Friends,

First, congratulations on finding the culture you’ve been looking for. It sounds like you have a terrific opportunity to thrive and make an impact. Now to your excellent questions.

Don’t worry about making friends—instead, seek to create amicable and productive working relationships. This will take the pressure off you and everyone else. The people who will end up being your friends will emerge as a byproduct of you being yourself and producing great results over time. You can’t force it.

Since it is such a small office, I’d suggest asking each person for a one-on-one meeting—either an official in-office meeting, or a coffee or a beer. Start with each person by asking about them, their role, and their goals, which will help you understand how to support others in achieving their goals while you pursue your own. Then ask them what they love about their jobs and what they think their strengths are. This will help you know who to go to for help in ways they will appreciate. This part of the meeting will endear you to just about everyone—because you can’t underestimate how delighted people are to talk about themselves!

After that, to find out about their expectations of you, ask simple questions like:

• If I am successful in this role, what will we have in six to nine months that we don’t have yet?
• What do you think a home run would look like?
• Is there anything I should not be focusing on?
• What can I do to make your job easier?
• What do you think I need to know?

Listen carefully, take notes, don’t argue with what you think are terrible ideas, and don’t make any promises. Do brainstorm around ideas you think have merit, ask questions, and say thank you.

You should definitely spend some time with the person who previously had your job—and make sure you understand what their hopes and dreams are for the role.

Now let be me clear: I am not suggesting you actually have to do everything people think you should do. You may decide to do some things based on these conversations, and you can give credit to whoever’s idea it was, but mainly you are getting to know people, developing relationships, and acquiring a bird’s eye perspective of how you can add value to the organization.

While you are at it, let each person know they can always feel free to come to you with further ideas or feedback. So now you have opened a door and made sure people know it will stay open.

Presumably, your boss has given you some clue as to what is expected of you. If not, after all of your interviews, you can formulate your own thoughts about priorities and run them by your boss to make sure you are on the same page. Then you will have a plan you can feel good about.

Regarding how soon is too soon to make recommendations, now is definitely too soon. There is nothing like fresh eyes for uncovering inefficiencies or outmoded processes. That’s what makes it so hard to keep your mouth shut. But if you are smart, you will do exactly that. Over time—and there is no rule of thumb about how much time—you will understand why things are done in certain ways. You will be right about some of the potential changes, but you will have to earn the right to voice a strong opinion. How? By keeping your head down, being easy to work with, and doing excellent work. When you begin adding unquestioned value to the organization, people will ask you for your opinion and you won’t have to worry if it is welcome or not!

As you move forward to craft your action plan and launch yourself into execution, make sure you include many people in your plans and activities. Before you know it, people will be coming to you to share ideas and get input on their projects, good things will start happening, and you will be “in.” Stay focused on your work and you won’t even notice it happening—you will just wake up one day and realize that it has.

So happy for you. I am sure you will be brilliant and have as many friends as you need.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a young, new manager at a large health food grocery. I love the company, I love the job, and I am really learning a lot about being a new manager.  Here is my problem: when I joined the company as a cashier, I told one of my friends about my new job and she was hired about two weeks after me. 

I got along really well with my manager and she started moving me around the store to work in different departments. Six months later I was asked to manage a team. 

My friend is still at the cash register and seems to be quite angry with me.  When I first started getting moved around the store for training, she made snarky comments about my being a brown-noser, etc. Now she has stopped speaking to me and looks the other way any time I come near her. I am crushed.  I don’t know how to fix this and I think I am losing my friend.

Sad to Lose a Friend

Dear Sad,

Interestingly, I received a letter from a person who is in something like your friend’s position, watching her friend who was hired roughly at the same time rise to meteoric success in her company. In her case, she watched her friend shamelessly kiss up to management and actually sabotage other colleagues to make herself look better.

So, even though my knee-jerk reaction to your letter is “With friends like that, who needs enemies?” I must ask whether it is possible that you played a part in your friend’s turning away from you.  In your self-examination, ask yourself a couple of hard questions and be brutally honest:

• Have I been disingenuous with my boss and others to make myself more appealing?
• Have I ever thrown others under the bus to make myself look better?
• Do I gossip—divulge confidential information to people who have no business knowing?

If you find that you do have something to be sorry for, go to your friend and apologize and tell her that you want to do whatever it takes to make things right.

Even if you can’t think of something you have done wrong, you can ask your friend to help you understand why she is turning away from you.  She may actually tell you, and you can discuss it.  If she is not willing to work things out, however, she is no friend to you and you are going to have to chalk up your losses and move on.

Without a realistic motive for her rather extreme behavior, I think of this as “small town syndrome.” Most cultures have a name for this phenomenon where people feel confused, threatened, and alienated when someone else has success and perhaps grows into someone different from who they used to be.  It is lonely and very sad.

But at least acknowledging the truth will allow you to make new friends who are confident enough in their own abilities that they can be supportive of yours. Ultimately, your quality of life will depend on surrounding yourself with friends who love you and are rooting for your success at every turn. Go find some of those.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am regular reader and a fan. I’m about to graduate from my grad school program. You talk a lot about the importance of networking. I feel like I’ve been somewhat insulated from the reality and necessity of building a network and was wondering if you could give me some ideas of what I should be doing.

All the ideas I have heard so far make me feel awkward.

Novice Networker

Dear Novice,

Thank you so much for the kind words—they mean a lot to me!

Although I know for sure that building, nurturing, and leveraging a network of relationships is critical to success, I am by no means the expert on how to do this. The guy who is the expert is Keith Ferrazzi, who wrote Never Eat Alone and recently came out with an updated and expanded version. The title alone tells the story—which I hate, because I really cherish eating alone. My idea of a perfect lunch is sitting at my desk and watching a TED talk, so the fact that I crave quiet time may make me well suited to share some ideas.

Let’s start with the word. Stop using the word network and replace it with the word relationships. I used to think business was some mysterious thing that people in suits did until I heard it defined as “the exchange of a product or service between people.” So when I talk about networking, I am really referring to simply paying attention to your relationships—the ones you have, the ones you would like to have, and the ones you need to have.

Start with the ones you have. Ask yourself To what extent have I really stayed in touch and built connections with the people I already know? Liking someone’s post on Facebook doesn’t count. Picking up the phone and making a date to have coffee, to watch a game, or to take a walk—those all count. You actually have to put yourself out there. So, yes, it is work. Treat it that way.

Stay in touch. Tell people when you move. Keep your snail mail address up to date with folks. Young people typically are terrible at this, but it helps people who care about you keep track of where you are in space—especially if you move to a place where you already know people. When you graduate, send a card with the news and where you are going to anyone whose actual address you can muster. You will be one of two people in your class who do this.

When you meet a new person, follow up with them. Connect on social media, obviously, but also get actual contact information so you can email links to articles or a great TED talk you think might interest them. I met an amazing guy on a train once and told him about my favorite magazine. I ended up sending him a whole pile of back issues. It didn’t cost much and I made a new—and, as it turned out, very influential—friend.

I may sound like your mother, but if you have an interview or someone does you any kind of favor, send them a handwritten thank you note. And then let them know where you land. I have become an interviewer for my alma mater, Georgetown University, and I am astonished at the lack of follow-up from my interviewees. I spent an hour of my time which each of them, and I have not gotten a single thank you note. I’m pretty sure none of them will think to contact me when they are accepted somewhere to let me know where they have decided to attend. The reality is that I fell in love with each and every one of them and would do anything in my power to help them. For them, I will forever be an untapped resource.

All this is to say that you never know where help is going to come from. People generally love to help if they can. Neuroscience research shows that pleasure centers in the brain light up more when we give than when we receive. Sure, there are some jerks out there, but don’t let them stop you from reaching out to the people who are on your side.

I am often asked what introverts can do to overcome how hard it is to extend oneself in social situations and get to know people. This is a tough one. I think you just have to gut it out. Being an introvert is not an excuse to avoid other human beings—you just have to think of it as work. And you will actually meet some people you like and want to spend more time with. Some tips for this:

• Set yourself a goal to meet 3 or 5 or 7 people—whatever number you think will be a stretch but not impossible. Once you have met your people, you can leave. Boom. You’re done. Get cards, get contact info, and follow up in the quiet privacy of your home.
• Get out of your own head—probably a very active and scary place in social circumstances. To do this, breathe deeply and feel the soles of your feet on the floor. It works. Try it.
• Get the attention off of yourself. Part of why social situations are so stressful is that you think people are judging you. They aren’t. Every person is worried about what you are thinking about them. We are all in the same boat that way—humans are remarkably self absorbed. So stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. Have a list of questions you can depend on—big, open-ended ones such as:

“What is your job like? What do you actually do all day?”

“Do you love what you do? What would you do if you had a choice—what is your fantasy job?”

“What is your favorite thing about living in this city?”

People love to talk about themselves. You can depend on this.

Finally, a sure fire way to get people to engage with you as a follow-up is to go back to them and ask them for advice—about their field, about what you should do, where you should live, what you should do next. If there is anything people love more than talking about themselves, it is giving advice. I should know—here I am doing it!

Stay in touch, Novice. Let me know how it goes and how I can help.

I’m not kidding.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I lead large teams in the field and partner with a core team at the headquarters of my organization. My boss is at HQ and largely ignores me because all of my projects come in on time and under budget. I have literally been told I am a “dream employee.”

The fly in the ointment is that I am constantly having run-ins with another member of the core team at HQ—I’ll call her F.

We disagree on what is her responsibility and what is mine and we are constantly butting heads. She doesn’t have the same skill set and knowledge base as I do, nor does she have the experience or seniority. She argues endlessly about some of my decisions—or worse, reverses them without talking to me about it. Then I have to come back in, re-direct everyone and get the project back on track.

This is causing delays and making other members of the team crazy. She gets upset when I don’t agree with her or alter her changes and runs down the hall to my boss to complain. Then I get a call from my boss, who tells me I need to find a way to get along with F and work it out. I have really been trying, but she just won’t see reason.

The final straw was my annual performance review. After glossing over all the good stuff—on time, under budget, my teams like and respect me, the customers are all happy—I get dinged on my bonus because of this situation with F! I just want to scream. Or quit. What say you?

Dinged

Dear Dinged

I am so sorry for your frustration. I know it well. I worked in the field for many years and suffered from being out of sight and out of mind. As a manager now at HQ, I know the difficulty of trying to protect team members in the field from the natural solidarity of folks who can have a quick and impactful chat at the coffee station.  I have experienced and been responsible for the problems that can arise due to lack of clarity about roles and responsibilities among team members.. I mean, who doesn’t suffer from lack of clarity about roles and responsibilities?

People who have responsible managers, that’s who.

It is absolutely your boss’s responsibility to get in there and mediate between you and F—to figure out who is responsible for what and who makes exactly what kinds of decisions, and to craft the process for what to do when there is a grey area. It is not appropriate for him to delegate that job the way he has, with you left holding the bag.

Okay, great, so we can blame your boss—which helps you not at all. What can you do? Here are some ideas:

• Fight hard to schedule an in-person mediation meeting with your boss, F, and you for the next time you are at HQ. Make it as soon as possible. Be prepared with a list of what you think is your job and what you think is F’s job. Use a RACI chart to help you. A RACI chart (Responsible-Accountable-Consulted-Informed) is a way to plot out—with absolute clarity for each task and decision—who is ultimately responsible, who needs to be consulted and included, and who needs to be kept informed at each step. It is an amazing tool and I encourage you to use it. Argue it out and abide by the consequences.
• Make it priority to improve your relationship with F. I know, right now you are mad at her and thinking Why should I take the high road? If you are going to quit, you don’t have to do this. But if you are going to stick around, you must turn F from an enemy into an ally. Up your communication with her. Have weekly meetings where you catch up on projects and review decisions and haggle things out. If the relationship is there, she won’t go running to your boss every time she is annoyed with you. If the relationship is there, when she has a problem with you she will pick up the phone and say “Hey, what the heck?”
• Spend more time at HQ. I know it is inconvenient, disruptive to what you consider your real work, and a colossal pain—but there is no substitute for showing up. Be there in person for team meetings. Show your face. Go to happy hour. Meet with your boss so you are real to him—as real as everyone else on his team.
• Share regular business updates with your peers and your boss about what you’re working on and what you do all day—because in the absence of information, people make stuff up. The more your colleagues see, hear, and get information from you, the more they will understand your work—and the more likely they will be to trust your authority and be comfortable that you know what you’re doing.

This all adds a lot more to your to-do list, I know. But the first order of business in getting things done is to build and nurture relationships. It would be so nice if you could just do your job without interference, but that just isn’t the way it works.

Don’t quit. Maybe scream a little. But then pick up the phone and work it out.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

For a leader, the annual office holiday party can be a tricky event to navigate. Whether it’s making small talk with Barry from Finance about how much he loves spreadsheets or looking after increasingly tipsy Pam from Marketing, the holiday party can be a real minefield for leaders.

Well, fear not, modern managers! Here’s a handy list of DOs and DON’Ts to ensure this year’s party is a success. Or, if this year’s party has already passed in a blur of Jägerbomb-induced regret, pin this list on a bulletin board and begin preparing yourself for next year’s shindig.

DO: Show up!

It’s very important that you, the leader, attend the party—at least for a little while—no matter how much you might not want to. Your colleagues will expect it and appreciate it. It’s a great way of showing your team you’re invested in them not only professionally but also personally. Understandably, finding the time to attend an office party outside of business hours can be challenging for leaders who have families, but you should be able to do it if you do a little advance planning.

DON’T: Be the last person standing

For some of you avid party-going managers, this might be difficult—especially if you are one of the younger attendees. Even if it’s tempting to party until the break of day, when you are a leader it’s better for you to arrive early and leave early. The reasons for this are twofold: First, if alcohol is served, leaving early minimises the risk that you’ll over-imbibe. Second, it’s important to step away and allow your team to let their hair down in your absence (even if you do have the best moves to the Whip/Nae Nae). Of course, this is dependent on office culture and team relationships. Your team might be more than happy for you to shake your booty until the wee hours with them—but be wary of outstaying your welcome. As a leader, it’s never a bad idea to step back from partying at some point during the evening and gather the team to reflect for a few minutes on what you’ve all built together. Then say your goodbyes and either go home or continue your evening elsewhere, away from your colleagues. Preserving a little mystery can be a good thing.

DO: Behave like a leader—not a parent

Make sure you devote some time to contributing to a good party atmosphere: Show a sociable interest in your colleagues. Mingle. Have conversations about topics other than work. This is an excellent opportunity for you to build a friendly rapport with individuals on your team. Don’t forget to let yourself have a good time—but always keep in mind you are still a leader. If one of your colleagues has a few too many drinks and starts making a fool of themselves, do the responsible thing—call them a taxi and don’t talk about it on Monday. Be cautious not to cross the boundary between leader and parental figure. Remember, everyone is an adult. Don’t berate others for their alcohol intake or scold them for misbehaving.

DO: Know your limit

This should go without saying, but it takes some experience to drink responsibly when there is an open bar. If you decide to drink, be sure you don’t overdo it. Your team will be expecting you to remain in control. You work hard all year to gain the trust and respect of your team—don’t blow it by having one drink too many. A good tip is to be proactive: fill your stomach with a good meal before you go to the party.

DON’T: Discuss tricky topics

For some people, alcohol combined with the casual atmosphere of a company party can remove the filter between a person’s brain and the words that come out of their mouth. People may be inclined to come to you with a complicated work problem after they have had a couple of drinks. But if you find yourself discussing a difficult topic with either a team member or your own boss, be careful. When underlying issues flare up in a party environment, it’s easy to over-share—which could damage your reputation.

DO: Get to know your team and have a good time!

The holiday party is an excellent opportunity for you to get to know your people away from the office atmosphere and the pressures of work. It’s a chance for you to find out new things about your team members, and for them to see what your personality is like on the other side of your desk. Take this opportunity when people are more relaxed to find out about their hobbies and their families, and realise how terrible their jokes are. Also, let your team find out more about you and your life outside of work. A relaxed party environment is a great place to find out whether you have more in common than just working together. Perhaps you and a colleague both have children, or a love of pets, or enjoy the same music. These kinds of conversations deepen your relationship with your team. Sharing personal information is a good way to build trust, and remind your team that you may be their leader, but you are still human.

What do you think? Do you have any tips for leaders to ensure they can enjoy the annual holiday party and keep things professional at the same time? Do you have any success stories about great parties? Share them in the comments!

How has thankfulness and gratitude made a difference in your life?

As Ken reminds us, “We all have an opportunity to make a difference in the world.” What a great reminder to recognize how blessed we are and to share those blessings with others!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OiBjRsz9po

I manage a small team at a software company. It’s go-go-go, constant crazy all the time, but that’s okay—it’s what I signed up for. I like the work and the atmosphere.

My problem may sound odd to you: my boss wants to be my friend. She is always asking me to lunch and saying things like “We have the same taste, we should totally go shopping together.”

I like her—she is a good boss, she works hard, and I respect her. I am happy being friendly with her, but it just doesn’t seem like a good idea for us to be buddy-buddy. I like all of my team members but keep things very professional with them as well. 

I asked my dad about this and he said I should play along— that it’s always good to be friends with the boss—but it just doesn’t feel right to me. What do you think?

Too Close for Comfort

Dear Too Close,

Not so odd, actually. A lot of people find the dynamics of workplace relationships confusing. And things only get more complicated when we spend more time at work than anywhere else!

I think you are right and your dad is wrong. There is clearly something that feels off for you about this situation, or you wouldn’t be giving it a second thought. If you have an intuitive sense here, I urge you not to ignore it. It is very tricky to be BFFs with the person who has control over your salary, your work assignments, and your professional destiny. I am a big fan of boundaries—keeping things friendly without crossing the line to true intimate friendship.

The question is this: how do you draw a boundary without hurting her feelings or seeming snotty? It sounds as if your boss throws out ideas but doesn’t extend any real invitations that force you to turn them down. So when she throws out ideas like shopping, you can laugh and smile and change the subject. Lunch is trickier; but as long as you pay for your own, you should be okay. If there ever was a good time to start bringing your lunch to work, this would be it. And you’ll save time and money as a bonus!

Even if something isn’t off and your boss just really likes you, it’s best to keep things cordial and professional. Maybe someday if you get promoted to her level and she no longer has any power over you, you can revisit the situation.

Finally, I applaud you for being thoughtful and considerate—and for not seeking to turn this situation to your own advantage.

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I run a small creative services business with a partner. We’ve had many long years of almost freakish success. We’ve accomplished amazing client work with great employees who have been dependable and excellent at their jobs.

Over the years, we’ve also had our ups and downs—but lately it has been mostly downs. My partner is the creative genius and I’m the business guy. I’ll spare you the gory details, but over the course of the past year we’ve lost several employees to clients—and with them has gone some critical business.

I want to rebuild, but I am becoming more and more concerned with my partner’s behavior. He has always been a little flaky—he is a brilliant artist, after all—but he is becoming more and more erratic. He is either late for client meetings or doesn’t show up at all; he misses deadlines; and, worst of all, he shows substandard work to clients because he changes direction at the last minute.

When I take him to task, he tells me that I don’t know how hard it is to come up with good ideas and that he can’t rush the creative process. He confuses our remaining employees, who we can’t afford to lose, by giving them feedback that conflicts with mine.

I am losing heart and finding it hard to pitch new business when I have less and less confidence that we will be able to deliver. This business is our livelihood and I feel like I’m watching the whole thing swirling the drain. I’m torn between feeling resentful and feeling incredibly guilty for thinking about dissolving the partnership. I have some savings so I would be okay, but my partner has a large family to support and has zero cushion.

I feel terrible about the idea of cutting him loose but feel like I might have to in order to save myself. What to do, Madeleine?

Guilty

Dear Guilty,

Being in business for yourself is hard. Being in a business partnership compounds the complexity. Many people dream of starting their own company, but tales like yours are a powerful deterrent. It sounds as if you and your partner have had a great thing going for a long time with the sum adding up to more than the parts. And now one of you is not fulfilling his end of the bargain.

What, if any, agreements did you make in the beginning about the eventuality of one of you becoming unable to perform? Of course, your partner would first need to be accountable for his lack of productivity before you could bring up any agreements you might have made together.

The next option is the difficult “crossroads” conversation. This conversation needs to be identified as a critical juncture in the road, not just hard feedback. This is the big kahuna discussion where you both get everything on the table, hash things out, sift through it all, and start to work out a solution. I highly recommend you consider using the Heart to Heart Process created by Paul and Layne Cutright, a couple who have devoted their lives to helping people in partnerships of all kinds. You can find a step-by-step description of the process here.

I have used this process myself many times—I have a business partnership with my husband and I work in his family’s business, so I have an arsenal of communication tools! And I have used it to facilitate many difficult conversations for others. The key is for both you and your partner to trust each other enough to say what needs to be said so you can face reality together.

Hopefully you have enough history, respect, and affection for each other that you will be able to do it. You may discover some things that cause you to change your mind about ditching the whole business. You may very well fix the situation and get yourselves back on track. You may even hear some feedback that helps you to be a better partner yourself. Or you may hear enough to convince you that it is time to go your separate ways.

Ultimately, you will learn what you need to learn to make a sound decision and to do what you need to do to take care of yourself without guilt. And if you really make your best effort to talk things through, you will have nothing to feel guilty about.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

“Ethical behavior is doing the right thing when no one is watching – even when doing the wrong thing is legal”. – Aldo Leopold

* * *
Ethical
adjective
Avoiding activities or organizations that do harm to people or the environment.
* * *
Examples of non-ethical behavior in business and leadership are all around us; and recent well-publicized ethical breaches in organizations have brought a great deal of attention to the issue of ethical behavior – from political campaigns filled with half-truths or outright lies, and distortions to support a viewpoint; to examples of business tax evasion; to politicians submitting fraudulent expenses. The lack of integrity around the world is alarming. Even Patricia Wallington writing for CIO identifies that 82% of CEO’s admitted lying about their golf scores.

Ethical behavior is essential in leadership – good leaders have integrity, honesty, and are inclined to do the right thing (which is not, necessarily, the easy or quick choice). Ethical leaders will display self-confidence, and the people around them will be more inclined to work for a leader they know they can trust to make the right decisions. A paper published by Johnathan K. Nelson, George Mason University explains that ethical leadership is associated with a number of desired outcomes related to employees at the individual and group levels, including willingness to exert extra effort and help others; better task performance; increased job satisfaction and commitment to the organization; perceptions of an ethical climate; optimism in the future of the organization and their place within it; perceptions of task significance, autonomy, and voice – including a willingness to report problems to management.
But how can we work to become ethical leaders?
Before we look at how we can become ethical leaders, we need to look at a bigger-picture approach of identifying ourselves as moral people. Jonathan K Nelson’s paper goes on to identify key traits of ethical people:

• Ensure that ethical behavior in their private life is consistent with the moral standards they publically promote. Ensuring that their actions are not hypocritical of their words.
• Take responsibility for their actions.
• Show concern for other people.
• Treat others fairly and with respect.
• Use personal and organizational values to guide their behavior and decisions.
• Implement decisions that are objective and fair, based on fact and not opinion.

Ethics in leadership, however, goes beyond simply acting as a moral person. Being an ethical leader includes recognizing that employees are looking for guidance in their decision-making, and they need to recognize that they have power of influence over the behavior of others. Ethical leaders:

• Demonstrate examples of ethical behavior and ethical decision-making.
• Explain decisions not only in making a business case, but in ethical terms as well.
• Discuss ethical issues in their communication with employees; and encourage ethics-centered discussions, where they can encourage subordinates to speak up about their ethics-related questions and concerns.
• Explain ethical rules and principles.
• Give subordinates a say in decision-making and listen to their ideas and concerns.
• Set clear ethical standards and enforce those standards through the use of organizational rewards, and holding people accountable when standard are not met.

EthicalSystems.Org also provides gives us some ideas we can apply to our leadership role to empower us to act more ethically on a day-to-day basis:

Make ethics a clear priority
Ethical leaders make ethics a clear and consistent part of their agendas, set the standards for those around them, set examples of appropriate behavior, and hold everyone accountable when those standards aren’t met.
Make ethical culture a part of every personnel-related function in your organization
Leaders need to work hard through the hiring process, training new employees, and continuing performance management to bring in the right employees in the first instance, and then help them to work within the organization’s underlying values on ethical business.
Encourage, measure, and reward ethical leadership.
Ethical leadership from the top down is very important – not only because it creates an environment in which lower-level ethical leaders can flourish and grow – but ethical leadership at the supervisory level will guide and encourage followers’ attitudes and behavior.
Ethical leadership, at all levels of an organization, not only encourages employees within a business to act with moral integrity and make the right decisions by providing the right guidance and support on decisions and empowering employees to raise concerns when they feel something isn’t right, but this in turn will support the ethical view of the business, both internally and externally. Ethical leadership has an associated positive effect on employees. Ethical leadership supports the organization in their stead within society ensuring that the business as a whole is able to operate ethically and fairly.
For further reading on ethics in leadership, the Community Tool Box has an article which clearly defines ethics and ethical leadership; and looks at further suggestions on practicing ethical leadership; and Jack Zenger, writing for Forbes looks at ways to prevent corruption (and in turn, develop ethical behavior) in the top leadership levels of an organization.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager in a global company and have been here fourteen years. About two years ago, I spoke with my boss about being promoted to director level. She told me neither she nor her boss thought I was ready for promotion because I had some areas that needed improvement.   They arranged for me to do a 360° feedback online survey and the results came back with some good stuff for me to work on.  They even gave me a coach to help me put my plan together and get started.

I have become a much better listener and have also learned to self regulate more effectively under stress.  My direct reports tell me they can see the changes I have made, and they have said good things about me to my boss. 

One of my peers, though, let’s call her Marina, told my boss some bad things about me. I have no idea where she got the stuff she reported.  It seemed like she was making up stories to make me look bad.

My boss took it all with a grain of salt, so it wouldn’t matter that much—except that there recently has been some organizational shuffling, Marina has been promoted, and I will now be reporting to her. 

I just don’t know how I can work for someone who badmouthed me like she did.  I brought it up to her and she said she only had my best interests at heart, but I don’t trust her.  Is my only option to leave?

What to do?

Dear What to Do,

What a rotten situation this is.  It doesn’t sound like you were expecting Marina to end up as your boss.  I have seen a lot of this lately—the people you least expect all of sudden having so much power in your life.

You actually have two options here. You can stick it out and see if Marina shapes up her act and really does have your best interests at heart.  She very well might—who knows what the heck she was thinking when she was telling your boss bad things about you?  Maybe now that she got what she wanted (a promotion), she will be a better boss than she was a peer.  It could happen.  If you go with this option, I suggest that you give it a time limit, pay careful attention to how she treats you, and then make a decision once you have a couple of data points.

Your second option is to start looking now for your next gig.  We are living in the era of tours of duty in different organizations. The days of sticking in one place and hacking your way to top are gone. You complied with the organization by doing the 360° feedback and you have made some substantial changes.  Two years have gone by and a peer was promoted over you.  It doesn’t sound as if your boss even discussed it with you.  So it appears that a promotion is not in the cards for you in the near future.

It has been my experience that it is hard for people to register changes in others. People tend to see you the way they have always seen you, no matter how much you improve.  So you might be better served by leaving your current spot and trying to create a great, fresh impression elsewhere.

It never hurts to start looking—you never know what wonderful possibilities are waiting for you out there!

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

• I thought I needed to have all of the answers
• I thought I needed to be authoritative and hard otherwise people wouldn’t respect me
• I followed all of the rules & guidelines the company set to the T, 100% of the time
• I never really listened or was open to be persuaded
• I shied away from conflict, until it blew up in my face
• The company set the goals which were very day-to-day focused, e.g., call handling times, etc. I never as a manager set any long term goals for my team or development goals, I simply followed the script, mainly because I didn’t know any different.
• We didn’t celebrate achievements enough.

Knowing what I know now, there are lots of things I would have done differently in my first time manager role. I won’t write them all, because I could be here for days but I’ve noted just a few a below.

• Breathe – You don’t have to answer everybody’s questions straight away. Take five minutes to reflect and stay calm even when stressed.
• Listen – Not just for the sake of letting others talk, but really listen to what people are saying. Be open to being persuaded.
• I wouldn’t have pretended to be something I wasn’t. I am not hard faced and authoritative, quite the opposite. People see through masks, I would have told my truth about who I am, and what I expect from the team.
• I would have set clear expectations and goals for my team, to help them grow and develop. Worked hard to create growth opportunities for my team.
• I would have told myself – Don’t take things so personally! I know that’s easier said than done but I used to beat myself up about not being everything to everyone. Remember you are only human.
• When things weren’t going to plan with the team or team member, I would’ve dealt with the situation there and then and thought about my words very carefully. Asked them about what went wrong, ensure no judgement or blame.
• Asked for help. Quite often in life, we are ashamed to ask for help. I don’t know why, because everyone in life at some point needs direction and or support.

My experience of being a first time manager, and feeling completely overwhelmed happens all of the time. People are promoted because they are good at what they do, many forget that a manager’s role requires a completely different skill set to that of an individual contributor.
What would you have done differently in your first time manager role?  Or if you haven’t been a manager yet, but looking to become one, what is your greatest concern about being a first time manager?
Sarah-Jane Kenny – EMEA Channel Solutions Consultant at the Ken Blanchard Companies

I couldn’t find a great quote on feedback; let me know if you find any. I will leave you with my thoughts on giving praise:
 Being able to give praise purely, simply and honestly to others is the greatest gift you can give. Be the person who steps forward and has the strength to give this gift where it is deserved. You will inspire and bring joy and appreciation to those who are giving their best.

]]> https://leaderchat.org/2016/02/26/praise-where-praise-is-due/feed/ 1 3614 https://leaderchat.org/2016/02/12/want-to-lead-more-effectively-have-fun/ https://leaderchat.org/2016/02/12/want-to-lead-more-effectively-have-fun/#respond Sat, 13 Feb 2016 00:15:57 +0000 http://whyleadnow.com/?p=3595 Do you have fun at work? Do you try to promote a laughter-filled workplace?
These are questions I ask myself on a daily basis. And honestly, who doesn’t to work in a positive, fun, happy work environment? The results are clear: Less stress, more engagement, higher commitment. Plus, when you create a culture of fun, you’re promoting well-being for not just yourself but for everyone around you as well.
Though, it’s true that not everyone wants to stretch outside their comfort zone to accomplish this. I mean, this is the workplace we’re talking about after all. But as a leader, by doing this, you tend to display a more genuine side of yourself, a more authentic persona that direct reports appreciate. When was the last time you pulled an office prank, or sent a funny email? When was the last time you told a funny story, or did something silly to make someone laugh? Of course, every work culture is different, so you may have to find your own version of fun that works. But remember, you are part of the workplace. And as a result, you help shape and create the workplace experience.
Perhaps you can simply start by responding to spam email. You never know what funny story you’ll get out of it:

‘Culture eats strategy for breakfast’ – Peter Drucker

We regularly review our corporate, regional and departmental strategies, but how many of us also take this time to review our culture and it’s alignment with strategy?
Perhaps it’s because the perceived ‘emotional’ side of culture seems at odds with the more ‘rational’ side of strategic planning.
Culture impacts the way employees react and behave to any change in strategy, so ignore it at your peril!
What is Culture?
According to Segal-Horn and Faulkner, in their book Understanding Global Strategy, culture includes:
‘knowledge, values, preferences, habits, customs, practices and behaviour’
Which…
‘have the power to shape attitudes and behaviour’ within organisations.
Culture can be created, written down and driven formally by an organisation; the values may be developed collaboratively with employees, communicated by HR or the leadership team and ‘lived’ daily within the workplace.
However, there are also assumptions made by employees and ways of working that have developed over time. How many times do we hear it’s the way we work around here…?!

Working with Culture to Facilitate Change
Creating a Forcefield analysis is an ideal way to ‘view the forces at work in an organisation that act to prevent or facilitate change’ (Johnson, G et al, Exploring Strategy).

This kind of analysis requires us to ask ourselves tough questions on what can block (resisting forces) or aid (pushing forces) change when creating a strategy.
Culture can be a fundamental catalyst for change and can be used as a vision for what change would look like once the strategy is implemented. However, it can also be a barrier.
A forcefield analysis can shine a light on the potential for resistence to a change in strategy. This in turn can lead to initiatives that are introduced in-line with the new strategy to:

• Build trust
• Break down any negative power structures within the organisation
• Address information concerns and ‘fears’
• Improve and increase lines of communication between management and employees

Barriers to strategic success must not be ignored and culture is a crucial factor that can make or break new policies.
I think of the aspects of culture like waves in the sea – work against it and you will struggle, take it into account and you can use them to your strategic advantage.

————————

One day, a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.
On Monday she gave each student his or her list.
Before long, the entire class was smiling. “Really?” she heard whispered. “I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!” and, “I didn’t know others liked me so much,” were most of the comments.
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. The teacher never found out if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn’t matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another.
That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that student.  She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.
As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. “Were you Mark’s math teacher?” he asked. She nodded: “Yes.” Then he said: “Mark talked about you a lot.”
After the funeral, most of Mark’s former classmates went together to lunch. Mark’s mother and father were also there, wanting to speak with his teacher. “We want to show you something,” his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. “They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.”
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times.
The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark’s classmates had said about him.
“Thank you so much for doing that,” Mark’s mother said. “As you can see, Mark treasured it.”
All of Mark’s former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, “I still have my list. It’s in the top drawer of my desk at home.”
Chuck’s wife said, “Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.”
“I have mine too,” Marilyn said. “It’s in my diary”
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. “I carry this with me at all times,” Vicki said.  Without batting an eyelash, she continued, “I think we all saved our lists.”
Tears rolled down the eyes of the humble teacher.  We encounter so many people in our lives, and it’s a precious joy to see the good in all those journeys.

————————

I shared this story, and my thoughts, with my team in the office – and we had a go at the activity in the story; and what we found in doing so was that people valued the things about us that we often overlook in ourselves. It reminded us all to take the time to appreciate our cooperation, and remember our own worth at the same time.
This story always reminds me that it’s important to value the small things that you like about individuals – we don’t always get along; tensions appear, and friendships can be frayed – but it’s important not to let what’s happening in your life to overshadow, or even color, the way you view other people around you. It reminds me that, even where people don’t get along, you can find something good in someone’s personality; and it also reminds me that sometimes, we’re so busy focusing on doing our jobs, trying to please other people, that we forget to take a step back and see our own value.

• Create a culture where people don’t feel uncomfortable about asking for flexibility or taking time off for their children.
• Managers need to have open/honest conversations about supporting new parents.
• Focus on results/productivity rather than the time spent. Just because some people work extra hours, it doesn’t mean they are more productive.
• Make it easier for fathers to have time off to support their children too.
• Be flexible – This is give and take from both sides. For example if you have a 35 hour week, make those hours count for work and for home life. We work in a global world with multiple different time zones, it would benefit the company and home life to flex the working hours throughout the day/night.
• Allow working from home days.
• Flexible benefits – Childcare help.
• Social events during breakfast meetings or work lunches rather than evening events.

With a supporting partner, and a company who are willing to look at the work you do rather than when you do the hours I think women can have it all.  It would be great to hear of your experiences in the workplace, having a baby is daunting enough without the worry of your career.

Clients who are struggling with relationship building are at either one end or the other of the continuum. At one end is a leader who lacks self-awareness and at the other end is a leader who is self-aware but wants to be more purposeful with their relationships. Regardless of which end you are on, here are seven suggestions to help you master the art of relationships:

• Listen more, talk less. Relationship masters are genuinely curious to understand what is being said—as well as not said—in a conversation. They listen intently in the moment instead of thinking about what they are going to say next.
• Reflect and process. Relationship masters process the conversation after the fact to draw conclusions about messages sent and received. What was the meaning of the discussion and what are the implications? How did the conversation end? Is the relationship in good standing or do I need to circle back to address any perceived tension?
• Match and mirror. Relationship masters are good connectors. They match their style to that of the other person participating in the conversation.
• Be humble. Relationship masters own their mistakes. They acknowledge when a relationship is not where it should be and work to discover what they can do to make it better.
• Embrace difficult conversations and conflict. Relationship masters are good at speaking their truth and can do so in a respectful and caring way. They do not walk away from a negative relationship. They clean it up by speaking openly and creating an environment for resolution.
• Be trustworthy and responsible. Relationship masters follow through on what they say they are going to do. They work hard to be consistent even when life happens and things get missed.
• Seek feedback. Relationship masters do not see themselves as having mastered anything—especially related to communication and people skills. They strive for continuous improvement, and they know it starts with getting feedback about themselves and their behavior.

This list could go on, because building effective relationships is an art, not a science. It is something best leaders continue to practice throughout their career. How do you see this play out in business? Do you have stories to share about people who are masters? I’d love to hear them.

Ken Blanchard says, “In the past, a leader was a boss. Today’s leaders must be partners with their people. They no longer can lead based solely on positional power.”

When you become a master at building relationships, you create a bond of trust with the people around you. This contributes not only to your success as a leader but also to the success of your whole organization.

About the Author

Joni Wickline is Vice President, Professional Services with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Wickline’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

So what’s going on? Well, leaders can sometimes be unaware of what they should and should not be doing. And this lack of awareness separates good leaders from great leaders. Great leaders know that leading is a never-ending journey that can be filled with treacherous obstacles.

So what do you need to know to become a great leader?
 

1. People are unpredictable

Your direct report may not necessarily react the same way each and every time to you. And you yourself may also change from day to day. So always using the same style of leadership may not always yield the best results. Instead, great leaders tailor their approach to each task, situation, and individual to effectively meet the direct report’s needs. So find out how your direct report is doing and what’s going on in his/her life, and then use that knowledge to better inform how you lead him/her.

2. It takes skill

It’s easy to fall into a routine. That’s why we have habits. But as people are unpredictable, you must also be flexible in your style of leadership to be able to match in each unique situation. The best way to do this is to have a learning-oriented mindset, by being on the lookout for new approaches, practicing other styles of leadership to be more flexible, and keeping up-to-date on what’s going on with your direct reports, your organization, and beyond. A great leader will always say, “I have so much left to learn in being a leader!”
 

3. It takes time

Don’t be discouraged if you aren’t able to immediately improve your effectiveness as a leader. Remember, it’s a life-long journey. As with anything, leadership takes time and patience to perfect. And this means you should constantly be trying to improve and grow as an individual. There’s no finish line, but instead a continuous evolution of who you are as a leader, being able to serve your direct reports more and more effectively with each passing day.
 
Image Credit: 1 | 2 | 3

• 82% believe that Millennials are more technically adept than prior generations

What Millennials believe:

• 74% believe they can learn new things more quickly

Loyalty
What non-Millennial managers believe:

• The majority (53%) report difficulty finding and retaining Millennial talent

What Millennials believe:

• 79% say that would consider quitting their job and work for themselves in the future
• A majority (52%) say corporate loyalty is outdated and a majority (58%) expect to stay in their job fewer than 3 years

The majority (80%) of hiring managers surveyed believe that Millennials are narcissistic, 65% believe Millennials are money-driven, and only 27% believe Millennials are team players. However, those same managers also feel that Millennials are more open to change (72%), creative (66%), and adaptable (60%).
The question isn’t whether there is a discrepancy on perspectives, but more so how we handle these differences and positively influence or channel the Millennials’ energy.
Gus is a Learning and Performance Professional at the Ken Blanchard Companies and is currently finishing his PhD in I/O Psychology. He can be reached at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

• We don’t do politics very well. We haven’t quite navigated the whole office politics thing at all. You may see that as naive, but chances are, we may never actually master office politics. Truth be told, we are just not that into it. Our office politics are more like “The Office” and less like a scene from “House of Cards.”
• Yes, we were the age that grew up with MySpace and “the” Facebook. We crave information and can read through it very quickly. We have the ability to look at a large amount of information and sift through the minutia to get what we need out of it. We actually embrace vulnerability as long as we are kept in the know about things. We hate to be blindsided or caught off guard.
• Once we’ve earned it, stay out of our way! (In a good way). We are not a big fan of being micro-managed and want opportunities to be creative and innovative. We’ve grown up with technological innovation happening constantly around us and so that has nurtured our own creativity. And we want to show that off in our work.

To all non-millenials, remember, we are the generation that saw our parents lose their jobs, pensions, and futures during the economic downturn. We watched the news as the unemployment line was packed with people looking to stay afloat. We heard many say, “I lost my job and that was the only thing I knew how to do.” So we are diversifying our biggest portfolio by investing in ourselves. We are getting as many skills as possible, and although we may be accused of “coming for your jobs”, we are really just in survival mode. And we probably always will be.
Gus is a Learning and Performance Professional at the Ken Blanchard Companies and is currently finishing his PhD in I/O Psychology. He can be reached at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

1. “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”
2. “No news is good news.”

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

• 35% of respondents consider lack of recognition the primary hindrance to their productivity
• 16% of respondents left their previous job based on a lack of recognition
• 17% of respondents stated that they have never been recognized at their place of employment
• 69% of respondents stated they would work harder if they received increased recognition

In other words, if only the squeaky wheel is getting the grease, you might look down one day and find that some of your wheels have simply disappeared while your ride is sitting up on blocks.
It takes effort, but intentionally finding people doing things right can have a positive outcome on your work environment, such as lower turnover and higher productivity.  If you can train yourself to also be on the lookout for the positives, you can turn it into a habit.
Leave your comments!

Whether it’s July 2nd or July 4th, I know one thing’s for sure. There have been incredible men and women who have sacrificed and fought to keep our nation independent. So let’s celebrate and cheer, not just for our nation, but for the folks who make up our great nation.
Gus is a Learning and Performance Professional at the Ken Blanchard Companies and is currently finishing his PhD in I/O Psychology. He can be reached at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

• Conduct weekly or biweekly one on one’s. Depending on how many direct reports you have, it is absolutely imperative that you meet with them one on one to discuss their needs. Make this a formal time; there are a number of informal meetings, chats by the lunch room, and discussions about projects. A formal one on one with a focused discussion on the needs of your direct report will open up communication. From a practical stand point, make it 30 minutes or an hour if you can swing it. Let your direct report create the agenda and don’t use this time to “dump” projects or work on them.
• Ask them about their lives outside of work. This is really important if you have a new or newer employee. Chances are they may be nervous, hesitant, and a little insecure about their new environment and work. Nothing eases that pressure  more than a manager who is genuinely invested in the lives of those who work for them. No one wants to work for a robot…
• Be invested in them professionally and personally. Not everything is a competition and not everyone is a competitor. Many times, we are our own worst enemies. Supervisors should be people who care about other people. On my boss’s wall, for example, is written, “Every person has intrinsic value.” Employees work best when they are respected, valued, and heard.

Gus is a Learning and Performance Professional at the Ken Blanchard Companies and is currently finishing his PhD in I/O Psychology. He can be reached atgus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

The goal was “get the delicious cake” and you had to draw your solution. No other rules were given.

One response showed the figure crawling through the spikes, while others used elements from pop culture to get the cake. For instance, Harry Potter magic spells, Star Wars lightsabers, and Super Mario warp pipes were all presented as solutions to this challenge. The following are a few of the more original and creative ways people attained the cake:

Use the door!

When you want to get rid of something in an image, the eraser tool is handy

Thinking outside of the box

The lesson I took from this was that people can get very creative when presented with a problem and given the freedom to devise a solution.

As a leader, you may have goals you need to accomplish, but it is left up to you to determine how to accomplish those goals. With a little time and ingenuity, you can come up with many different and often surprising ways to achieve those goals, particularly when you have the help of others.

So how would you get to the delicious cake? Type your solution in the comments, or you can use your favorite image editor or an online one and post a visual of your solution.

• Be careful about getting wrapped up with what the seagull manager brings and be prepared to diffuse the situation.
• What to watch out for:  He’s not really your friend, unless he needs something from you.

Managers:

• Play in the weekly football pool, but never accept his trades on fantasy football.
• What to watch out for: Don’t get wrapped up in his management style. It may look effective and envious, but it’s not an efficient way to manage long-term.

Executives:

• They are gimmicks. He might “get the job done”, but he will lose some of your best talent.
• What to watch out for: Pay attention to turnover in this department. It might be a red flag for a dysfunctional team.

The Peacock:
Don’t be confused with the peacock. He’s a deceiver. He looks like he’s doing a bunch of work but he’s really lazy. His favorite management tool is the “delegation.” He’s too busy with everything he’s got going on so he gives away everything he’s supposed to do. He is tangential with his speech because he’s not really saying anything but words continually spew out of his mouth. No one understands him, but somehow we hear him. You may think its Armani but really the suit is a hand-me-down from his late, great Uncle Cornelius.
Peacocks don’t play well with direct reports but tend to get along well with same level managers. Executives aren’t fooled.
Direct Reports:

• Prioritize the tasks given and don’t be afraid to get clarification.
• What to watch out for: He will task you to death, so don’t get burned out.

Managers:

• Don’t be a Peacock. For the sake of those who work for you, please don’t be a Peacock.
• What to watch out for: 3 Piece Suits aren’t that great.

Executives:

• Please send to remedial leadership training.
• What to watch out for: Take a second look before you decide to promote.

The Chameleon
This guy. He’s quite the charmer and is generally liked in the office. He brings donuts on Fridays and loves puppies. These are all good things, but those that know him best are not sold on him. He has a tendency to say one thing and do another, over-commits to projects, and rarely delivers on what he promises. He tries to please too many people and has mastered the art of the fake smile.
Chameleons generally get along well with everyone, except those closest to him.
Direct Reports:

• Have a conversation with him about how you feel; it might actually go better than you think.
• What to watch out for: Stay away from the donuts.

Managers:

• If you have this tendency, then don’t be afraid to say no every once in a while.
• What to watch out for: If you know other managers like this, be careful in conversing with them. They may gossip and take up too much of your time with unnecessary conversation.

Executives:

• May not be the best to run day-to-day operations.
• What to watch out for: You may see signs of disorganization and lack of process in their department.

If you happen to run into one of these types of managers, just be sure to steer clear as much as you can!
Gus is a Learning and Performance Professional at the Ken Blanchard Companies and is currently finishing his PhD in I/O Psychology. He can be reached at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

I just got back from teaching a class on our Situational Team Leadership content. Before class started, people were very quiet, even wary, about talking with one another.  Some even passed the time by doing individual work at their computer.

To start the class I shared that since this was a course on teams, I’d like them to introduce themselves and then share something that they were proud of that their team had accomplished. WOW! The energy in the room jumped to amazing decibels—and for the rest of the day, that energy was transferred into amazing participants who felt great about themselves and participated at the highest level.

If a winter chill has crept into some of your interactions with others, or you’d like to get to know people better, here is a six step way to purposefully SPRING into reigniting the joy and inspiration of working together.

Step 1: Smile. Many times we can become so busy that we don’t even lift our heads to look at, or engage with others. We walk by, we say hi, but we don’t really notice others. Ready for a change? Look up, make eye contact, smile, and say good morning.

Step 2: Personalize your conversations. Connect with others on what’s new in their life, what they’re working on, and what is important to them.  Asking questions about others is one of the best ways to naturally engage people.  My son, Nick, makes it a point to learn three things about everyone he meets which really helps build relationships in his new role as a tax analyst.

Step 3: Relate your commonalities. Share some of your experiences that resonate with what you have learned about them. Sometimes we hesitate to share our experiences because we don’t want conversations to be all about us. Yet sharing our own experiences creates shared memories, often adds humor, and builds deeper relationships. Relate what is going on currently in your life to what is going on in theirs.

Step 4: Inspire. Blanchard’s research on motivation states that people are motivated by autonomy, relatedness, and competence. One of the ways to feel a renewed focus and delight in life is to learn something new, or to take on new behaviors. How are you keeping your brain flexible? As you feel inspired by what you are learning, inspire other people around you (and embed the new information in your brain so as to remember it) by sharing interesting models, facts, articles, and books.

Step 5: Notify. Share opportunities and possibilities for future experiences. People want to connect, but often find it easier to go home to their favorite place on the couch and watch TV. Notify people of what is coming up that they could take advantage of to add energy to their lives.  These possibilities can include what is coming up in the organization, in the community, workshops, conferences, or training opportunities.

Step 6: Gratitude. Share the gratitude that you have for your new or deepening relationship.  Say thank you for all they bring to your life and the work that you do together.

Too often people don’t recognize the impact they have on the people around them. While keeping their nose to the grindstone, they sometimes lose track of the need for connectedness.  SPRING ahead by taking the time to reestablish the human connection in the groups you work with.

About the Author

Vicki Halsey is a senior consulting partner and Vice President of Applied Learning for The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Employee Oversupervision by Manager

Communicating to Determine the Optimal Amount of Supervision

1. Talk with your direct report. He/she knows best how much supervision you should provide. Ask about any areas of a task where he or she would like more supervision and if there are any areas where he/she would be comfortable with less supervision.
2. Show that you care. Remember that your goal is to learn how to better tailor your supervision to your direct report needs. And by meeting these needs, he/she will be more satisfied, committed, and better prepared to work well. Describe to your direct report how much you want these things for him/her.
3. Follow through. Don’t you hate when you trust someone to do certain actions (especially for something that impacts you), and he/she lets you down? Your direct report is trusting you to follow through with what you agreed. Be sure to prioritize this, as trust is easy to lose and difficult to gain.

Image Credit: 1 | 2

Building Relationships
Scott Blanchard passionately emphasized the critical need for leaders to build relationships. “Great leaders,” Blanchard said, “Build trust with the people they are leading.” He also went on to encourage new leaders to deal with conflict effectively, not ignore it or dismiss it as an employee problem. Being others focused, communicating well, and praising people are also key leadership traits that build solid relationships with people and increase the effectiveness of your ability to lead others.
Getting Results
As Dave Witt downed his last drop of coffee, he challenged Scott on weather good leaders should focus on results or people as a top priority in the leadership process. Blanchard had some interesting responses to the question, sighting that the need to motivate people and invest in their wellbeing is the secret key to getting more productive results from the people you are leading. Blanchard tackled the difficult part of leadership, having challenging conversations with people, and the difference between reprimanding someone verses redirecting them toward the vision and values of the team and organization.
While the sting of the approaching winter subsided in the harbor of one of the most engaging conversations I’ve listen to in a café, so to does the winter of discontent of employees and contributors who are lead by people who know who they are and what they are attempting to accomplish in their role of responsibility as a leader. While the most important advise for individuals Stepping Up to Leadership is reserved for lynda.com subscribers, the lessons learned from listening into the conversation on leadership will lasting and impactful.
Jason Diamond Arnold is a leadership consultant at The Ken Blanchard Companies. He is Coauthor of Situational Self Leadership in Action a real time, real work, leaning experience that develops effective communication and collaboration skills for individuals in the workplace. He is Co Producer and Director of Stepping Up to Leadership with Scott Blanchard, a lynda.com and Ken Blanchard Companies production.

Connect People

Introduce Others

1. Credibility takes time to build and get noticed. You will need to show that you are capable in the field of interest and that you demonstrate a certain level of integrity that people will want to imitate.
2. Trust is all important in business relationships. It builds off of credibility over time and the consistency of your statements and actions. Without trust all relationships perish no matter their depth.

“Personal relationships are always the key to good business. You can buy networking; you can’t buy friendships.”
Lindsay Fox

Brian Alexander is the Marketing Project Specialist with The Ken Blanchard Companies.

A collaborative approach

• It’s effective. Real, true behavioral change has been proven in organizations that utilize peer coaching. There are no gimmicks with this approach; if implemented correctly and sustained, it is a great tool for development.
• It’s free. Although executive coaching has its place, not many of us can afford coaches and most organizations won’t have the resources to supply everyone with a coach. Peer coaching is a free coaching experience that is results-based and is grounded in the interaction with people you know and trust.
• It’s an easy process to implement. Set up a recurring time and place within your organization to meet and discuss your current goals. This might be a perfect place to discuss your performance management goals or individual development plan (IDP) that your manager has set for you. If your organization isn’t ready for you to use working hours to implement this, than a 1 hour lunch break will work perfectly. It will probably be the most effective lunch hour you will have that week!

Gus is a Learning and Performance Professional at the Ken Blanchard Companies and is currently finishing his PhD in I/O Psychology. He can be reached at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

Oomph! Those words feel like a punch to the gut of the employee on the receiving end, and for the leader delivering the bad news, those words create anxiety and many sleepless nights leading up to that difficult conversation.

No leader likes to see an employee fail on the job. From the moment we start the recruitment process, through interviewing, hiring, and training, our goal is to set up our employees for success. It takes a tremendous amount of time, energy, and expense to bring new people into the organization and ramp them up to full productivity so it’s in everyone’s vested interest to see an employee succeed. Yet we all know there are situations that, for whatever reason, an employee struggles on the job and there isn’t much hope of turning it around.

I recently met with a group of HR professionals and line managers to debrief employee termination situations. As we reviewed the cases at hand, the following nine signs emerged as warning signals, that had they been heeded early on in the employee’s career, a termination decision could have been made much earlier in the process that would have saved everyone a lot of heartache and the company a lot of money. Any one of these signs is alarming in and of itself, but when you combine all of them together…KABOOM! You’ve got an employee meltdown waiting to happen.

Nine Warning Signs of a Failing Employee

1. Things don’t improve with a change of scenery – Maybe it’s the relationship with their boss, certain peers, or the nature of the work has changed and the employee is struggling to perform at her best. Whatever the reason, moving the employee to another role or department can get her back on track. I’ve done it myself and have seen it work. But if you’ve given someone another chance by giving them a change of scenery and it’s still not working out, you should be concerned. The scenery probably isn’t the problem.

2. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around the employee – We all have personality quirks and some people are more difficult to work with than others, but when an employee becomes cancerous to the morale and productivity of the team and everyone feels like they have to walk on eggshells around the person for fear of incurring their wrath, you’ve got a serious problem. Don’t underestimate the destructive power of a toxic, unpredictable employee.

3. Emotional instability – Part of being a mature adult is being able to manage your emotions and it’s critically important in a professional workplace. If you have an employee that demonstrates severe emotional mood swings on the job and in their relationships with others, you need to pursue the proper legal and ethical guidelines in dealing with the employee and getting them the support they need. Don’t ignore the behavior by chalking it up to the heat of the moment, the stress of the job, or excusing it by saying “Oh, that’s just Joe being Joe.”

4. Trouble fitting into the company culture – Perhaps one of the earliest signs that you have a failing employee is noticing she is having significant trouble adapting to the culture of the organization. There is a natural transition time for any new employee, but if you’re constantly hearing the employee make negative comments about how the company operates and criticizing leadership, or not developing solid relationships with others and becoming part of the team, warning alarms should be going off in your head.

5. Blames others, makes excuses, and challenges authority – You know the incredibly loud sound of air raid sirens used in civil defense situations? That’s the sound you should be hearing if you have an employee with a track record of blaming others and making excuses for her poor performance. Failing employees will often challenge authority by trying to lay the blame at the boss’ feet by saying things like “You should have done this…” or “You didn’t address that problem…” or whatever the case may be. If you have an employee who always seems to be involved in drama, ask yourself “What (or more appropriately ‘who’) is the common denominator in these situations?”

6. Distorts or manipulates the truth – I’ve dealt with employees who were very skilled at manipulating or distorting the truth. In whatever difficult situation they were in, they would find a kernel of truth to justify and excuse their involvement to the point that I would feel compelled to side with them. I learned you have to be discerning and consistent in your approach to dealing with manipulative people and make sure you document your interactions so you have sufficient data to support your termination decision.

7. Unseen gaps in performance – One of the most challenging situations is when an employee seems to be performing well by outside appearances, but when you explore behind the scenes you discover there are gaps in her performance. Maybe it’s sloppy work, not following correct procedures, or even worse, being intentionally deceptive or unethical. Be careful, things may not always be as they seem.

8. A trail of broken relationships – Employees don’t have to be BFF’s with all of their coworkers, but they do need to respect others and be able to work together. A person may be a high-performer in the tasks of her job, but if she can’t get along with other people and has a history of damaging relationships with colleagues, eventually there will come a point where her contributions are outweighed by the damage and drama she creates.

9. Passive-aggressive behavior – You know those smiley-face emoticons at the end of slightly sarcastic and critical emails? A classic example of passive-aggressive behavior where the sender is trying to couch her criticism in feigned-humor. This is toxic and can be hard to manage because it manifests itself is so many ways that appear to be innocuous in and of themselves. Veiled jokes, procrastination, sullenness, resentment, and deliberate or repeated failure to follow-through on tasks are all signs of passive-aggressive behavior. Be careful…very careful.

The number one job for a leader is to help his or her employees succeed. Before an employee is terminated, a leader needs to be able to look in the mirror and honestly admit that everything possible has been done to help the employee succeed. These nine warning signs should serve as critical guideposts in helping any leader be alert to a failing employee.

Randy Conley is the Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts appear the fourth Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

A very accomplished friend and colleague of mine presented for our table group and when she sat down the first thing she did was ask us, “How’d I do? Was that okay? Did it make sense? I didn’t make a fool of myself, did I?” (Okay, she actually said, “I didn’t look stupid, did I?)

Well of course she did just fine, it was better than okay, it made sense and, no, she didn’t make a fool of herself. Nor did she look stupid. We all chuckled and didn’t think much of it. But apparently, it was a bit more serious to her.

During the break, which followed shortly after her presentation, she told me she’d seen a snippet of the commencement speech Oprah Winfrey made at Harvard this year (May 30, 2013). Oprah talked about one thing her interviewees had in common: one of the first questions they asked when the interview was over was a version of “How did I do? Was that okay?” Interestingly, this question cut across all categories represented by her interviewees—Heads of State, business moguls, entertainers, criminals, and victims alike. They all wanted to know: “How did I do? Was that okay?”

I was so intrigued, I went online and read the entire speech. Oprah said the common denominator she found in every interview is that people want to be validated. People want to be understood, “I have done over 35,000 interviews…and as soon as the camera shuts off everyone always turns to me and they all want to know: Was that okay? Did you hear me? Do you see me? Did what I say mean anything to you?”

Think about these questions being in the minds of people you encounter—people in your community, in your workplace, and at home. In some ways the nature of the relationship doesn’t matter and in other ways the more intimate that relationship, the more important the answers to these questions become.

Was that okay? / Do you see me? / Did what I say [or do] mean anything to you?

The world is full of messages that tell us we’re not okay. All the devices we use to stay connected disconnect us in so many ways. Take the opportunity to let someone know that they’re better than okay; you know they’re there; and yes, what they say and do does mean something to you.

Never underestimate the power of validation.

About the author:

Ann Phillips is a Senior Consulting Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies where she specializes in consulting and keynoting on customer loyalty, employee engagement, leadership, organizational change, and team building.

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In an extreme case, maybe they actually punished you for offering an opinion that they didn’t want to hear. In fact, at some point in the “conversation” you actually wished you could close that open door, because with it open, the whole world could overhear the public flogging you were receiving for voicing your honest opinion.

Ever been there?

For starters, decide that you are not going to behave that way. Decide that you are not going to be the kind of leader whose door may be open, but that’s the only thing that is.

People are understandably uncomfortable dealing with opinions different from their own. It is an unusual person who looks forward to hearing what they didn’t want to listen to in the first place. And we all learn that it just isn’t worth the risk of being candid with others, particularly if they’re more powerful than we are. In short, political behavior trumps productivity improvement.

So what can you do to address this? Here are three recommendations:

1. It’s about opening your mind, not your door. Force yourself to listen to what people are telling you. As they’re talking, keep telling yourself that there is at least something correct in what they’re saying. Listen for it. Unfortunately, many of us do the opposite: we listen for the weak link in the logic chain of what people are saying. It’s fun, isn’t it, to suggest an improvement to someone else’s viewpoint or plan. It makes us feel good about our contribution, our value added, our incredible wisdom, insight, and—now that you mention it—genius. But are we reducing the personal commitment level of the person we’re talking to? And is a 5 percent improvement of the strategy worth a 20 percent reduction of the activation energy it will take to get the idea off the ground?

2. Your door may be open, but you don’t have to know everything about what’s going on.  The only thing worse than not having an open door policy at all is having one, and there are people standing in your threshold all the time. Make it clear that you want people to take responsibility for doing the right thing, not sharing it with you. Decisions should be made at the lowest operational level, by people who are closest to the action. You’re not protected by a policy that was made by someone who isn’t involved in what’s happening right now. If you are executing on something that you think is bad, even though the order came down from the top of the organization, you are abdicating your moral responsibility. Napoleon said such a leader should be seen as a criminal.

3. Tell people you really do want their best. A strategic use of the open door can be quite helpful. But you want spontaneity and candor. You want it with the bark on. Political correctness is of course appropriate, but it should be used sparingly. The focus here is getting the job done, to specification and on time.

Open doors should prompt people to collaborate appropriately, not abdicate their responsibility. These should be occasional opportunities to give and receive feedback and suggestions. Properly used, they can expedite progress. But improperly used they can be more trouble than they’re worth. As Drucker said, more or less, “So much of what we call leadership consists of making it harder for people to do their work.”

About the author

Dr. Dick Ruhe is a best-selling author, keynote speaker, and senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read his posts here on LeaderChat the fourth Saturday of each month.

In this post from February 2012, I wrote about the fragility of trust and the challenges Ryan Braun faced in trying to rebuild his credibility when he escaped penalty from a failed drug test on a procedural technicality. At that time, Braun used a page from Lance Armstrong’s playbook and vehemently denied any involvement with performance enhancing drugs. Now the truth comes to light and Braun is revealed as not only a cheater but a liar too. #EpicFailure

All of us experience failure from time to time when it comes to building trust. Usually it’s because we think trust “just happens” and we don’t intentionally work at building it. It seems the only time we think about trust is when it gets broken, and then we’re shocked, surprised, and at a loss for what to do. #EpicFailure

Here’s four reasons why we…leaders…YOU…tend to experience epic failure in building trust:

1. You aren’t good at what you do. A key element in building trust in a relationship is your competence. Are you good at what you do? Do you keep learning and growing? People show they are competent when they have the expertise needed for their job, role, or position. They consistently achieve results and are effective problem solvers and decision makers. Demonstrating competence inspires others to have confidence and trust in you.

2. You don’t act with integrity. Trustworthy people are honest with others. They behave in a manner consistent with their stated values, treat people fairly, and behave ethically. “Walking the talk” is essential in building trust in relationships. Braun, Armstrong, and many other fallen public figures are excellent examples of talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

3. You don’t connect with others. Being connected means focusing on people, having good communication skills, and recognizing the contributions of others. We, as human beings, are hardwired for connection with others. We want to be treated as individuals at work and not viewed as mindless worker bees whose only value is to get the work done. You can be the most competent leader out there, but if you don’t care for your people they won’t trust you. Remember, people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

4. You aren’t dependable. Dependable people follow through on their commitments. They respond timely to requests and hold themselves and others accountable. Not doing what you say you will do is one of the quickest ways to erode trust with others.

No one likes to think of him/herself as untrustworthy, yet it’s important to know that trust is in the eye of the beholder. Trust is based on perceptions and we create those perceptions by our behavior, one interaction at a time. So in a sense, it doesn’t matter if YOU think you are trustworthy, it matters what OTHERS think about you.

Want to be a trustworthy person? Then act trustworthy. Be good at what you do. Act with integrity. Connect with people. Be dependable. Do that and you won’t ever have to worry about being an #EpicFailure in building trust.

Randy Conley is the Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts appear the last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

Traditional learning turned upside down.

Collaboration is everything

A leader is someone who steps back from the entire system and tries to build a more collaborative, more innovative system that will work over the long term.
– Robert Reich

Brian Alexander is the Marketing Project Specialist with The Ken Blanchard Companies. 

For example, even if you are familiar with the differences between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, it hits home when you see examples of how setting intrinsic goals not only gives you a greater probability of achieving them, but also experiencing self-actualization and sustainable vitality.

On the other hand, extrinsic goals, more often than not, lead to depression and unhealthy physical symptoms. Regretfully, the goals most of us set are extrinsic goals–both personally and professionally.

What can you do differently?

Focus on setting intrinsic goals such as…

• Personal growth (improving listening skills or practicing mindfulness)
• Affiliation (nurturing a mentoring relationship or enhancing relationships with others)
• Community (contributing to something bigger than yourself or making a difference)
• Physical health (losing weight as a means for increasing energy or changing your eating habits as a way of lowering blood pressure)

Avoid extrinsic goals relating to…

• Social recognition such as increasing Facebook friends or LinkedIn contacts to improve your social or professional status
• Image and appearance such as losing weight to look good at your reunion or losing weight to be more attractive
• Material success such as earning more money, buying a powerful car, or moving to a prestigious neighborhood

Prompt intrinsic goals for others

Managers, teachers, and parents need to gain goal setting skills that prompt intrinsic goals based on optimally motivated, higher-level values. Individuals will benefit, but more importantly, it is a way to immediately begin shifting the values practiced in our organizations, educational systems, and communities.

If you find yourself challenging these notions, it is probably because most of us are conditioned to believe that setting goals for things we want (or think we need)–such as obtaining more money and the stuff we can buy with it–are part of “the secret” to success.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of research studies by the family of Self-Determination Theory thought leaders are proving that conventional thinking is simply wrong-headed. The real secret is that extrinsic goals do not provide the energy, vitality, and sense of positive well-being required to achieve most goals. And even if you happen to achieve the extrinsic goal, it doesn’t yield the sustainable joy, happiness, satisfaction, or energy you thought it would.

But perhaps more importantly, there is an undermining effect with extrinsic goals. In other words, extrinsic goals (social recognition, image and appearance, material success) tend to extinguish a potentially intrinsic experience. What we really yearn for is something we cannot buy or achieve through extrinsic goals.

As I sat in dozens of research presentations, I was thrilled with the compelling evidence demonstrating how the quality of the goals you set determines the quality of your experience. As a leader of others, if you remember that the value behind the goal determines the value of the goal, it can open up a distinctly different approach to setting goals that becomes a powerful and sustainable mechanism for positive well-being, engagement, and employee work passion.

About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together  with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

Bosses hear all sorts of crazy things from their team members. Some of the things employees say are funny, some outlandish, some critical, some stupid, some helpful, and some are just downright mean. Receiving feedback comes with the territory of being a leader. I’ve learned you must have a thick skin and a soft heart when it comes to leading people. You can’t let the negative chatter get under your skin and give you a jaundiced outlook on people, yet you also need the emotional maturity to examine the feedback and see if there is something you need to learn or improve upon.

But there are four words a boss never wants to hear: “I don’t trust you.”

However, you will rarely, if ever, hear someone say that to you directly. Trust is one of those topics, along with religion and politics, that is usually taboo to discuss openly in the workplace. It’s often talked about in the shadows and hallways of the organization, not in conference rooms and one-on-one meetings. Instead, you will see how people don’t trust you through behaviors and actions like:

• Excluding you from activities
• Not sharing information with you
• Not following through on commitments to you
• Stress or tension in your relationships
• Team members not taking risks
• Team members doing the bare minimum to get by
• Low morale and productivity in your team
• Rumors and gossip abound in your team
• Team members question your decisions

So if this is your reality, how do you turn it around? What do you do to address low trust with your team? Here are three steps to get you started:

1. Own it – Assess the feedback, take it to heart, and determine where you need to improve. If you’ve broken trust, consider this five-step process to rebuild it. Don’t be afraid to admit your mistakes. Owning up to your shortcomings and apologizing for your behavior is a key way to infuse your relationships with a high dosage of trust.

2. Be consistent – DWYSYWD – Do What You Say You Will Do. Follow through on your commitments, be reliable, and walk your talk. Steady and consistent leaders inspire trust because their people can reasonably predict how they will behave in most situations. Leaders with Jekyll and Hyde personalities create a culture of fear, suspicion, and uncertainty, whereas trusted leaders create an atmosphere of security, confidence, and consistency.

3. Be patient – Trust takes time; it doesn’t happen overnight. If you’re starting in a trust deficit, it can take even more time than if you’re starting from a neutral or low-trust position. Focus on using behaviors that build trust, such as displaying competence in your job, acting with integrity, establishing meaningful connections with your people, and being a reliable and dependable person. Stay committed to your goal of building trust and the results will follow.

Trust is the foundation of all successful relationships. With it, all things are possible. Without it, you’re pushing a large boulder uphill. If you are hearing, or seeing, “I don’t trust you” from your people, take steps now to remedy the situation. Your success as a leader depends on it.

Randy Conley is the Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts appear the last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

The more that virtual teams become our normal way of working, the more we realize how difficult it is to build the positive relationships so critical for team success.   A face-to-face meeting for team building is best, yet most teams can’t afford that luxury.

So how do you build team spirit when you can’t have a retreat or even just meet for coffee at the end of the day?   The key is tapping into the creativity and lighthearted nature buried within our business minds.   Here are three enjoyable activities to build relationships and team spirit.

How do you celebrate?

• If you search world holidays on the web you’ll find that almost every day is a holiday somewhere in the world. Holidays are culturally important, and how we celebrate reveals a lot about us as individuals.
• Ask one or two team members to share a few photographs and chat for five minutes in your next team meeting about how they celebrated their latest holiday.  What foods did they eat, what were the activities, what was being celebrated?

Guess the desk. 

• Ask team members to send in a photograph of their office (or home office) desk.  Show the photo and discuss what the desk reveals about its owner.
  • Does a bowl of fruit mean the person is health conscious?
  • Are there family photos?
  • How many technological gadgets are on the desk?
• After the discussion, ask team members to guess the desk owner’s name.   The owner then gets an opportunity to reveal him/herself and to clarify or explain anything noticed by the team.   

The most unusual thing …

• Use this as a conversation starter for the team.  When you send out the meeting agenda ask them to be prepared to answer a question. For example:
  • The most unusual thing I ever ate …
  • The most unusual place I ever visited …
  • The most unusual event I witnessed …

When building a virtual team, encourage that fun-loving side of you to emerge. Relaxed creativity can provide just the lift needed to build the positive relationships and esprit de corps that are the keys to successful virtual teams.

About the author

Carmela Sperlazza Southers is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. Her posts on increasing organizational, team, and leader effectiveness in the virtual work world appear on the fourth Monday of every month.

So, of course, they decided to sleep in and didn’t do any physical training for the day.
And of course my team was upset that they didn’t get to sleep in and come to work at 9:30. The last thing I wanted to create was resentment across the two teams. I thought that maybe a “team building” exercise was in order, but I didn’t carry it out because I felt I would probably screw that up too.  I was upset about the whole situation, but mainly I was irritated at myself.
After looking back on the incident, here’s what I learned:

• I never really gave him full autonomy

Here’s what I really said: You can have full autonomy unless you do something I don’t want you to do or something that I disagree with you on. What I told him he could do and what I wanted him to do were two separate things.

• I shouldn’t have given him full autonomy

Giving full autonomy over everything is not really leadership at all. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving him autonomy, but what I should have done in that situation was to give him more direction as to what is expected and necessary. Autonomy has its place and limitations; using it correctly is when it’s the most impactful.

• My communication was not aligned with my expectations

I was never clear on my expectations. What was standard and status quo for me was not necessarily the same for him. Talking through each other’s expectations would have been helpful for minimizing conflict and building trust.
For any further information or questions contact me at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

Surprisingly, when Fowler talks with leaders about what is motivating them on their current tasks and responsibilities, people recognize right away that much of it falls into a Disinterested, External, or Imposed Motivational Outlook.

• A Disinterested Motivational Outlook is where you just don’t care, and you are going through the motions.
• An External Motivational Outlook is where people justify their actions for an external reward—money, incentives, power, or status.
• An Imposed Motivational Outlook is where behavior is driven by fear, shame, or guilt.

But that comes at a cost, especially when people realize the amount of emotional labor they have been using to constantly self-regulate—finding ways to avoid feelings of pressure, stress, anger, disappointment, guilt, or shame.

As Fowler explains, “We spend inordinate amounts of time just overcoming our feelings of being imposed upon, or just overcoming the emptiness that comes from external motivation. It’s like we are using all of our emotional labor on low-level tasks just to muck around with low-level motivation.

“That might help us cope but it’s not helping us experience the energy, vitality, or sense of positive well-being that comes with higher levels of motivational outlook. Those come from mindfulness, developed values, and a noble purpose, for example.”

The search for a higher quality of motivation

In the Optimal Motivation program that Fowler has created with her co-authors David Facer and Drea Zigarmi, the focus is on teaching people a way to have a higher quality of life where they don’t have to use as much emotional labor.

“If you have clarity on what you value—for example, a life purpose, or a work purpose—and if you understand what brings you joy and what you love to do, then you have a higher quality of life and well-being. You may still require some emotional labor from time to time to self-regulate, but it is emotional labor that you’re willing to do because you see how it is related to higher quality motivation.”

That’s important says Fowler because people driven primarily by external motivators don’t achieve the sustainable flourishing and positive sense of well-being that you get with higher levels of motivation.

Fowler explains that as a leader, you need to think beyond imposed and external motivators. How could you invite choice? How could you help people build relationships? How can you increase competence?

“You never want to be the one encouraging a person’s need for external rewards.  Don’t settle for motivational models that try to find other ways to manipulate or trick people into giving more. Why not take the conversation to a different level? ”

To read more of Fowler’s thinking on cultivating a motivating work environment, check out her interview in the June issue of Ignite!, Don’t Settle for Less When It Comes to Personal Motivation.  You’ll also see information about a free webinar Fowler is conducting June 19 on The Business Case for Motivating Your Workforce.  It’s complimentary, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

When the stars line up perfectly, you have a great boss and your growth and success seem assured.  You have a person who guides and directs you, supports you, listens to you, laughs with you, shares disappointments with you, and brainstorms solutions with you. You have a leader who sets your goals and career path, opens doors, shares insights, paints the future picture and provides hope.  As the country song goes, “You’re gonna miss this.”

What can you do when you learn you will lose your best boss? Here are some actions you can take to keep an element of control and keep your career on track.

Download. Proactively set up time to gather important information and advice from your boss. What is the big-picture plan? What are the important projects, steps, and details? Ask for career advice relative to your company. The short term left for your boss may create a safer space to share more openly and honestly.

Mine. I have always believed that there is opportunity in chaos and churn. With some digging you may uncover new ideas, vistas or needs. There may be a promotion for you in this wave of change.  Are there projects you can take over? Could a conversation be had about reorganizing your department? Discuss possibilities proactively with your boss’s boss.

Interview. Ask to be part of the interview process to find your next boss. Prepare a list of benefits to your being on the interview panel. For instance, you know the makeup of the team and the projects in process. You have a unique ability to gauge cultural fit.  You deserve to be part of the process. Believe it—and ask for it.

Stay positive. As a manager, it is your job to soften the blow of the news for your team. If you admired your boss, it is likely others did too. Steer the ship through this choppy sea. Model confidence in the future, keep people focused, and provide hope.

Emulate. If your boss is someone you will remember ask yourself what made her so special. What did she do or say that brought out the best in you? How did he navigate the system for the good of the team? How did she break through obstacles while maintaining positive relationships? What made him wise? Remember and emulate the impressive characteristics, habits, relationships and style your good boss had.  Notice, learn, emulate, repeat.

Losing a terrific leader can shake up anyone. If you accept and manage the new normal, you’ll survive, New Manager, and so will your team.

About the author:

Cathy Huett is Director, Professional Services at The Ken Blanchard Companies.  This is the fourth in a series of posts specifically geared toward new and emerging leaders.

1. Communication via email is time stamped and an effective alternative to “snail mail”. It is a great way to send someone in your company a quick message, a long list of to-dos, or a detailed inquiry on any given task. Email correspondence is not always time sensitive and is a great way for multiple people to read, process, and refer back to tasks or initiatives sent to them by their manager before they respond with questions, concerns, or approval. The pitfalls of emailing revolve around missing the physical and vocal cues people unintentionally respond to face to face. Also, if there is ever an emergency situation a quick response may be difficult to come by. In speaking directly to your manager, you can convey certain concerns through the pitch of your voice and body motions which elicit emotions you are feeling. We read these signals unconsciously and they connect us to others. This is especially important when you have an urgent matter. Many times writing styles are confusing and may not be interpreted in the same manner in which it was intended. I would not suggest trying to email your leader or direct report when you need to make a quick decision.
2. Communication via telephone is one of the earliest technological advancements and is extremely effective for a number of reasons. You can get straight to the point and make quick real time decisions. It is also possible to convey emotions through the pitch and tone of your voice which does help in connecting with the person on the other end of the phone line. However you lack the ability to gain a complete perspective of what the other person is experiencing in that given moment. Environment plays a key role in connecting people through experience and can affect the productivity of communication. Someone on the other end of the line could be fighting traffic while on the phone, distracted by their surroundings, which would take their mind off of the present moment. Important urgent decisions are influenced by environment and it is important to understand all variables influencing it. It is impossible for people on opposite lines of a telephone to know what the other is going through.
3. Communication via video conference is a great alternative for people who are working together from multiple locations. Programs like Skype and Face time have brought families, friends, and colleagues from around the globe together in real time. Both parties can see each other face to face and somewhat experience their environments. You can see their facial cues and mannerisms through the video and gain a pretty accurate impression of what the other is experiencing during your conversation. While this is a great way to connect to people in your organization from around the globe it is still not the best. You miss the complete interactive feeling of being in the presence of another human being. It is often difficult to really gain full understanding of the other persons thought process because you only see the top half of their body and/or what the video screen captures behind them. Frustration may set in if the internet bandwidth is not strong enough. Complications can arise delaying the video feed and chopping the audio so I would not recommend holding high level business communications through this medium if at all possible.
4. Communication in person is of course the original form of relating to others inter-personally and remains the most productive. You just cannot beat a face to face interaction. One of my coaches told me that he would evaluate the effectiveness of his interactions by imagining himself viewing the interaction as a third person in the room looking down from a corner. While this may sound strange, it is very useful to imagine how the two of you are relating and meshing with one another. After all people are not robots and a sense of connection is important to establish the feelings needed so that you can work together. You must look at a situation from another person’s perspective. If the logistics of an in person meeting are difficult to figure out I would revert back to a video conference meeting but if at all possible do it in person. You will gain a much richer experience with the other person and really connect, which increases the likelihood that you will achieve your desired results.

To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.
– Anthony Robbins

Brian Alexander is the Marketing Project Specialist with The Ken Blanchard Companies. To learn more about The Ken Blanchard Companies please visit www.kenblanchard.com

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Cheryl DePonte is a Human Resources Learning and Performance Specialist at The Ken Blanchard Companies and has over 15 years experience in the fields of organizational effectiveness and human resources development.

 “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” —William Shakespeare

When recently opening a package of Green Tea, the quote, “It’s not a privilege to know others. Know yourself. That’s a privilege,” was attached to the string. Perhaps the tea manufacture was having a caffeinated paraphrasing of a Lao Tzu philosophy to push the notion that you’ll some how be more enlightened when you drink this potion.

Self Reflection?

They also look at why some leaders inspire people to work together effectively, while others cannot.

The pivotal ingredient in both cases?  Trust

Drawing from Ken Blanchard’s latest and brand new book, Trust Works! Four Keys to Building Lasting Relationships (co-authored with Cynthia Olmstead and Martha Lawrence) Blanchard identifies four components that either build—or bust—trust with people.

The four attributes are:

• Able—does the leader Demonstrate Competence
• Believable—does the leader Act with Integrity
• Connected—does the leader Care about Others
• Dependable—does the leader Maintain Reliability

Blanchard identifies that, “The ability to build trust is a defining competency,” and he recommends that leaders take a two-step approach to evaluating their trustworthiness—beginning  with a self assessment.  To make this easier, Blanchard provides a link to a free online tool www.trustworksbook.com

The self-assessment gives leaders a chance to see if their actions might be contributing to low-trust relationships through behaviors that are seen as less than Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable.”

Second, Blanchard recommends that leaders ask colleagues and direct reports to evaluate their behavior as well.

“What you learn about yourself can be eye-opening,” says Blanchard. “Many of us are unaware when our behavior is eroding the trust of others around us. What seems like acceptable behavior to us may be causing a friend, spouse, boss, employee, or significant other to feel downright wary.”

As a case in point, Blanchard shares a story about his own experience using the assessment and how he discovered that his staff scored him low on being Dependable.

While Blanchard knew he had trouble saying “no” to requests and liked to say yes to others as much as possible, he didn’t realize it was a problem until he learned that, because he said “yes” to so many things and overcommitted himself, he was sometimes regarded as undependable.

Using the assessment and the Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable framework, Blanchard and his team were able to discuss Ken’s “trust buster” trait. Together the team was able to develop solutions. As a result, today—in addition to being careful about not over-committing himself—when  Ken goes on trips he doesn’t take his own business cards. Instead, he gives out the cards of his executive assistant, who can make sure Ken has the time and resources to follow through before he makes commitments.

How are you doing on trust?  Are your behaviors consistent with your intentions?  To read more about Ken and Scott Blanchard’s thinking on this topic, be sure to check out, Do Your Employees Trust You?

The Doing More With Less challenge was explored from several angles. Several speakers encouraged us to stop and think about our work before rushing headlong into the fray while others reminded us of the power we have to redefine our view of what doing more with less really means. Tips on preventing burnout, time management, communication, and employee relations were offered as well.

Here’s just a few of the thoughts that stood out to me:

• Busyness doesn’t equal productivity. Take time to think and plan. (Mark Sanborn on the importance of taking time to think, focus, and learn)
• You have a finite amount of time and energy. Prioritize what you want to do and relentlessly focus on high value work. (Mike Alpert on disciplined planning spells success)
• Work-life balance assumes one suffers at the expense of the other. We need to integrate the two and find ways that one supports the other. (Fons Trompenaars on integrate, don’t balance)
• Don’t suffer from “brain lard” – wasting your mental energy by focusing on unimportant stuff. (Dick Ruhe)
• Get the right people with the right motivation in the right place with the right tools. (Jack – 13 year old student)
• Your work isn’t just a job. Your work is a series of promises you make. (Susan Mazza on delegating less and negotiating more)
• Leaders need to focus on providing daily inspiration, breeding accountability instead of blame, and balancing self-confidence with humility. (Kate Nasser on being a buoy of inspiration and balance)
• Don’t let what gets your attention drive your focus. Focus on what needs your attention. (Tanveer Nasseer on the power of focus)
• Lean times require a lean approach. Work less and focus on the most important and highest ROI tasks. (Jason Diamond Arnold on the lean approach to working)
• Shift your mentality from “I have to do this” to “I get to do this.” (Margie Blanchard on I have to versus I get to)

I shared that leaders need to eliminate the phrase “do more with less” from our vocabularies. It erodes trust whenever we tell our people they have to do more with less. They feel like we “just don’t get it.” Instead, we need to communicate the reality of our business situation with our team, solicit their involvement in creating strategies to deal with the challenges we’re facing, and dial-up the amount and type of support we offer our folks.

Did you attend the Doing <Still> More With Less Leadership Livecast? If so, what were the nuggets of trust you discovered? If you happened to miss it, you can purchase access to the recording and/or program notes here.

Randy Conley is the Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts appear the last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

Recently, I decided to try some new ways to be more productive and less stressed:

1. Spa water – in a scientific study, those who were fully-hydrated had improved mood and were less sleepy. So, I decided to try drinking spa water (sometimes called “infused water”) and I’m hooked. You get your water in for the day and it’s flavored without all the calories and chemicals. Refill as needed and enjoy. Here is a wikihow on how to make spa water:

How to make spa water

2. Concentration Music – it is said that listening to baroque classical music has been scientifically shown to improve mood, productivity, and concentration. So, I decided to give it a whirl and wouldn’t you know, it works! I get more work done faster and more precisely while being relaxed the entire time. Gotta love classical music! Here is a sample for your listening pleasure:

3. A Timer – scientific studies also show we have a limited attention span for tasks. This time has varied in studies anywhere from 10 minutes to up to 40 minutes. So, I set a timer and only worked on a task for a specified period and then took a break. I also used a timer to go back and forth between tasks. This has worked wonders for getting many more things done in a day than I could have imagined. A link to a fabulous, easy-to-set online timer:
Online Timer
These tips for containing the crazy work well for my own personal work style and help me to be a more calm, productive, and focused leader.
Share with us your tips to contain the crazy, increase productivity, and reduce stress. No matter how unique they may be, please share! What works for you?

Once everyone had boarded the plane and we were all getting settled in our seats, expecting to hear the flight attendant start making their welcoming and safety comments, the captain himself got on the intercom and started talking to us.  He didn’t stand behind the little wall that tends to hide the flight attendant from the passengers, but instead stood halfway down the aisle of first class and addressed the entire plane.

He welcomed us all on the flight and thanked us for our business and choosing to fly United.  He acknowledged that we have a choice in airlines, and he hoped that this flight would be a great experience for all of us.  He then went on to introduce  the rest of his “team” as he called them,  his co-pilot and flight attendants, saying that they all work together to make the flight enjoyable and safe.  He encouraged us to ask the flight attendant if we needed anything during the flight and thanked us one more time before he handed it off to the attendant to finish all of the safety messages.   As I sat there, I couldn’t help but smile to myself and think how a simple gesture like personally welcoming the passengers set the tone for a pleasant flight and put the customers in a good mood.

So what can your organization learn from this?  Here are three simple ways to create a stronger team and build customer loyalty:

1. Always look for opportunities to practice what you preach to your employees about making their customers feel welcome by talking to customers, saying a simple hello, asking how their day is, or if there is anything else to help them with.
2. Remind your employees to look for the 1% better concept—the little things you can do while interacting with customers that may not be a huge thing, but may be huge in the eyes of that customer.
3. Constantly look for opportunities to praise your team members when you see them delivering great service to their customers.  They will feel valued and acknowledged for their efforts and want to continue to serve their customers in a positive way.

I actually was a little sad getting off the plane at the end of the flight knowing I may not see that pilot again on another flight, but happy that he had restored my faith in the airlines  and knowing there are leaders out there that really do want to make a difference.

About the author:

Kathy Cuff is a senior consulting partner and one of the principal authors—together  with Vicki Halsey—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Legendary Service training program.

The world is indeed getting flatter. Like many organizations, at The Ken Blanchard Companies we regularly interact with coworkers and clients around the globe. In my workshops, cross-cultural communication is frequently cited as a significant challenge for leaders who have teams spread throughout the world.

Communication involves an exchange of meaning through sending and receiving of verbal and nonverbal messages, either consciously or unconsciously. For a message to be understood correctly, there needs to be a vast amount of common ground between the sender and receiver. This makes cross-cultural communication difficult, because two culturally different individuals tend to have less in common than two people who are part of the same culture.

Many variable factors get in the way of mutual understanding within cross-cultural communication—differences in language, in communication styles, and in the interpretation of nonverbal behaviors. Within each of these differences are numerous subcategories that add further difficulty.

However, effective cross-cultural communication is possible. I suggest four approaches to increase understanding:

1. Start with the assumption that you may not understand the situation or message and that cultural differences may get in the way.
2. The most accurate way to gather information is to observe and describe what is actually said and done, not to evaluate or interpret words or actions. Evaluation and interpretation are influenced by each person’s own culture and background.
3. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, boots, or sandals. Try to see the situation from the other person’s cultural perspective.
4. Treat your explanation or interpretation as a best guess. Then, when you think you understand, check with the other person to see whether you’re on the right path or whether you need additional clarity.

What other suggestions do you have to increase understanding in cross-cultural communication?

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of each month.

Ok, so we like to watch a little TV and play video games, so what’s the big deal? We live life on the edge (of reality) and love to surf (the web) and socialize (on Facebook) all day. We are the doers. We seek not war, but peace. We love reality television and hang on every word they say (even the illiterate ones). We are not better than any of you, but we are special. Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube are just extensions of our inner self. We love rap music, iPhones, and Dancing with the Stars (my wife made me put that in here). We are not all about ourselves; everyone is just all about us.
This is our motto.
Tom Brokaw accurately named the World War II generation as the Greatest Generation. After reading the book, watching the Band of Brothers series, and hearing the stories from WWII vets themselves, I can’t deny this. These men and women were some of the purist of Americans—hard-working, dedicated, and loyal to their values. I remember visiting Normandy about 10 years ago and seeing the crosses of the buried soldiers neatly displayed—such a beautiful display of sadness and pain. In my own experience as a captain in the Army and a combat veteran serving in Afghanistan, I hardly saw any sense of entitlement among the troops. There were men and women who were generally unhappy to be there (I admit even sometimes I wondered why we were there),  and hated everything about the war, but they still wanted to fight. There was a sense of pride about them and they fought long and hard. While in Afghanistan, I had a West Point Captain tell me about his 18-month deployment. He said the length of the deployment really hit him hard at the first Thanksgiving dinner. They were just about to start eating when one of his soldiers said, “Hey sir, don’t worry about saying grace. I’ll do it this year and you can say grace next year.”
I don’t claim we are the Greatest Generation but I do think Gen Y has contributed significantly more than just TV and video games. We are a young generation, but like many others we adapt, overcome, and move on. I never liked the label, “entitlement generation” because frankly I don’t think we deserve it. I hope this generation can rid ourselves of this brand and demonstrate the core American qualities that have been delivered to us from previous generations.
For any further information or questions contact me at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com

So what do you do when you have a manager who is not providing the leadership you need or deserve? I suggest three key strategies for managing your boss.

Key #1: Manage Yourself First

What? “I thought this was about managing my boss,” you say? It is difficult, if not impossible, to manage others if you’re not managing yourself first. That means being accountable, keeping commitments, supporting other team members, and doing what you can to make a contribution—to add value. The more you are seen as a valued member of the team, the greater influence you will have in managing up.

Key #2: Communicate Regularly

If you don’t do this already, I recommend that you schedule regular one-on-one time with your manager. At least once every two weeks, sit down together for fifteen to thirty minutes and share progress reports, obstacles and concerns you face, and needs you have for direction and support. Start each one-on-one meeting with an update of commitments both you and your manager made during the previous one-on-one.

Key #3: Ask for What You Need

Managers are not all-seeing, all-knowing human beings. Just like everyone else, they are generally horrible guessers when it comes to what others need. Do you need more clarity about a recent assignment? Do you need direction on where to start? Do you need your manager to trust you and give you the autonomy you deserve on this assignment? Then ask. Be clear and specific and ask for what you need. For example: “Hey boss, do you have five minutes to provide some more detail about what you need from me on this assignment?” Or “Hey boss, since this is something I have done before, I would really like to lead this activity.” Most managers are willing to help but wary of micromanaging so they don’t offer. Remember to just ask.

What if Your Boss Refuses to be Managed?

You can be a solid performer with superior communication and people skills and your manager can still choose to be unsupportive, or even worse: A seagull manager. Seagull managers are never around until you make a mistake. Then they fly in, make a lot of noise, dump all over you, and fly away again. If you have done everything you can to get the leadership you need and it is not working, you have two choices: (1) accept it and let it go; or (2) remove yourself from that manager.  (See an earlier blog post for more information regarding these options.)

What other strategies do you use to manage your boss with integrity, in a way that builds the relationship? I’d love to read your comments.

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of each month.

As a leader, how do you judge which learning modality will lead to the most effective, quality learning experience? How do you appeal to learners on your teams at differing levels of technological savviness without discouraging their development? Or, worse, avoid humiliating anyone who is not as technologically savvy while simultaneously avoid disengaging your digital learners? Preventing yet more training materials being set up on a shelf never to be used again is key!

Steps you can take to lead your team to effectively use technology to learn include:

1. Understanding how your team learns – Become intimately familiar with how your team learns. Do you offer a learning product on a flash drive only to find you run out before you can order more or are you scheduling face-to-face classes on their behalf with little resistance? Are your most productive employees viewing recording links from live stream workshops because they want to learn in their own time in the comfort of their office? How your employees learn will help you intuit in what form content should be delivered to increase learning. Don’t discount your own observations regarding what your employees seem to gravitate toward.
2. Determine their favored modalities – Fit how the content is offered to the learner by offering it in various forms such as audio, video, face-to-face, and asynchronous. Have a workshop that you know learners on your team will love but know it’s in a format they won’t be interested in learning from? Encourage your employees to determine if they would be interested in learning the same content in a different modality. If the content is off the shelf, inquire as to whether it is offered as mp3, asynchronous, and face-to-face format. Purchase and offer multiple forms and see which format your team seems to prefer. Learn from your purchases and take note of what your employees want more of and most often request.
3. Then…limit options – mp3 audio books, asynchronous learning groups, virtual book clubs , CDs, DVDs, hard-copy libraries, face-to-face workshops…the list goes on as to how employees learn and you could potentially intimidate and confuse learners by creating modality overload. Most important after determining how your team learns is to introduce new technology and options slowly by choosing their favored modality. Then, let them get comfortable with change by limiting the options offered to those two or three favorite modalities the team gravitates toward. Don’t get caught up with the new, shinny technology if you know your employees will most likely not be interested in learning in that particular format. Perhaps you have determined your team enjoys reading hard-copy books, listening to CDs, and asynchronous learning. Invest in these three modalities by allowing your employees to show you this is how they most feel comfortable learning. If the content is then offered as a webinar with live chat, don’t spring it on the team. Wait to allow them to lead you in their own learning.
Understanding how your employees learn will help increase the benefits derived from learning in modalities that best fit the learner and resultantly most benefit the organization.
***

Cheryl DePonte is a Human Resources Learning and Performance Specialist at The Ken Blanchard Companies and has over 15 years experience in the fields of organizational effectiveness and human resources development.

Their conclusion?

“Cutting yourself off, or choosing not to focus on the people side of the equation, can—and will—be a problem that will impact your development as a leader.”

Have you inadvertently cut yourself off from your people?  Many leaders have.  It’s usually because of time pressures, or a single-minded focus on results—but sometimes it’s also a conscious choice to create “professional distance” that allows you the emotional room to make tough choices.

That’s a mistake say the Blanchards. “The best working relationships are partnerships. For leaders, this means maintaining a focus on results along with high levels of demonstrated caring.”

They go on to caution that, “The relationship foundation has to be in place first. It’s only when leaders and managers take the time to build the foundation that they earn the permission to be aggressive in asking people to produce results. The best managers combine high support with high levels of focus, urgency, and criticality. As a result, they get more things done, more quickly, than managers who do not have this double skill base.”

Don’t limit yourself—or others

Don’t limit yourself, or others, by focusing on just one half of the leadership equation.  You don’t have to choose.  In this case you can have it all.  Create strong relationships focused on jointly achieving results. To read the complete article—including some tips on getting started—be sure to check out Getting Your Team Emotionally Engaged Is Half The Leadership Battle. Here’s How To Do It

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Judy Garland’s line from The Wizard Oz could appropriately capture the feeling of many leaders when it comes to managing Millennials in the workplace – it’s a whole new world! Millennials, or Gen Y (born 1982-1995), are rapidly becoming a greater share of the workforce and some studies have estimated that by 2025 they will comprise 75% of the working population. Like each generation before them, they bring a unique blend of attitudes, traits, and characteristics that define how they “show up” at work. Building trust with this generation and leveraging their strengths in the workplace is a pressing priority for today’s generation of leaders.

Last week I had the privilege of participating in a panel discussion on the topic of Trust in Millennial Leaders, on the Trust Across America radio show, hosted by my friend Jon Mertz, a leadership writer and marketing executive. Jon assembled representatives from Gen Y who are in the early stages of their careers along with a couple of “old guys” (me included!) further along in their career.

The insightful discussion produced a number of valuable learning moments, four of which stood out to me as particularly important for leaders to grasp in order to build trust with Millennials.

1. Millennials are a trusting, optimistic generation – Whenever you speak about generational demographics, there is the danger of over-generalizing and stereotyping individuals. With that said, by and large the Millennial generation has a higher propensity to trust others and they value authentic relationships. A study by Deloitte showed that 87% of the Millennials they surveyed reported that they “completely,” “mostly,” or “moderately” trust their boss, with nearly 1 in 3 falling in the “completely” category. This opens the door for leaders to extend trust to the Millennials on their team with the expectation that trust will be reciprocated. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and it’s the starting point for leaders interested in maximizing the talents of the younger generation.

2. Tech savviness of Millennials opens new doors – Gen Y is the first workforce generation to grow up completely in the world of modern computers and it fundamentally drives the way they approach work. Millennials take to technology like a fish takes to water and their use of technology is forcing organizations to reevaluate their business practices. The ubiquitous use of social media by Millennials is one prominent example. For many younger workers there is a blending of work and social community interaction through Facebook, Twitter, or other platforms. Today’s leaders need to consider ways to build trust with Millennials through the use of technology rather than viewing these new methods with fear or suspicion.

3. Millennials are quick learners – In large part due to their upbringing in the computer age, Millennials are conditioned to consume, absorb, and apply large amounts of information. (No experience with creating a business plan? Google it and have nearly 3 million options to meet your need!) Because of their fast-paced nature to learn on the fly, many in this generation have gotten the bad rap of not wanting to “pay their dues” or are “entitled” (Generation Me!) to quick promotions and pay raises. Leaders interested in building trust would be wise to avoid labeling Millennials with these stereotypes and treat them on an individual basis. As Jon Mertz pointed out, many Gen Y’ers understand that growth in organizations today is much more horizontally focused than vertically up the traditional corporate ladder.

4. Millennials know the power of community – A common trait of this generation is their focus on social causes and the strength that comes from like-minded individuals banding together to achieve a common goal. Whether it’s assisting in disaster relief, combating slave trafficking, or providing clean water to villagers in Africa, Millennials have emerged as leaders in addressing social issues. What does that mean for organizational leaders? Millennials are naturals at teamwork! Who wouldn’t want that skill in their company? Millennials are eager and ready to accept new responsibilities and have a natural inclination to partner with others to achieve ambitious goals. Rather than forcing Millennials to “wait their turn,” leaders can build trust by looking for appropriate projects and growth opportunities where they can showcase their talents.

I encourage you to listen to the recording of the radio show. I think you’ll come away from the discussion with a greater appreciation for the skills and talents that Millennials bring to the workforce and a greater hope for a bright future with this new generation of leaders.

Randy Conley is the Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts appear the last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

The total program included modules around personality, values, organization vision and alignment, leadership style, high performing teams, change management, and motivation—the gamut.

This final module consisted of five one-hour-long group presentations about various aspects of their learning journey and its impact on people, process, and results. We asked about personal insights, how they applied their learning to real work, and what the human and economic impacts were of such application. And finally, in terms of their development, we asked them what they wanted to do next.

In terms of roles, the “what’s next” question revealed an array of ambitions. One wants to be CEO within 10 years. Another wants to lead the expansion of engineering capabilities in the African subsidiaries. And a third sees a future in corporate strategy with the aim of improving how global change initiatives are conceived and executed.

What was most beautiful was not the ambitions themselves, although I often feel their gravitational pull compelling me to double-check my own goals and velocity toward them. Instead, the most heartening aspect of their ambitions was how they promised to approach them.

Reduce Pressure to Go Fast

Whereas in the past, on their way to greater roles and responsibilities, these executives would have passed the pressure they received from their bosses to others in direct proportion—or even amplify it—now they realize that pressure often does more harm than good. The motivation research shows that pressure is easily internalized as a form of control, which then undermines a person’s eagerness to perform an act voluntarily and with an optimistic sense of purpose. In other words, pressure creates a negative Motivational Outlook, which slows the pace and quality of work in the moment and in the long run.

These executives also described how they helped even very senior employees build additional competence faster than before, and how those employees then displayed increased confidence that they could handle even more-complex projects. It was nice to hear, too, how the quality of their relationships improved as a result.

Executives take a lot of heat—much of it deserved—for leading as if people do not matter much. So, I decided to share this with you because I wonder what you think when you read about executives who have dedicated themselves to leading in challenging times with boldness, grace, warmth, ever-increasing skill, and maturity. How does it inspire you or catalyze new thinking about how you lead?

It was a privilege to watch these leaders commit to a truly human—and humane—approach to leading others, and to see that by actually doing it things are already improving for them and everyone around them. Sometimes it is nice to take a break and simply enjoy watching people flower and shine right in front of our very eyes. I thought you might enjoy that, too.

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together  with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.