Dear Madeleine,

My daughter told me I have “imposter syndrome.” I’ve done some research and I don’t think I have that at all. I think it’s something else. But I am definitely struggling with something.

I have an unusually high IQ, graduated high school two years early, and attended a top university on a full scholarship. I was offered a spot in a top graduate program that I completed with honors. I have been in senior leadership positions for over twenty years. I’m not bragging, just trying to set context.

About 18 months ago I was tapped to join the executive team of my organization, a global publicly traded company. When I told my best friend, she laughed and said, “Oh, they are nailing their DEI quota by having a black girl on the team!”

I just can’t get it out of my head. It’s true that the team consists of me, a lot of white guys, and one Indian guy who oversees IT. I hate that anyone thinks I have my job because of my sex or my race. I get along well with every other member of the executive team. The CEO and the chairman of the board call me all the time to get my take on the economy and our strategic plan and position. And yet—what if I did get this job as a token? Is that imposter syndrome?

 I have never once doubted myself until now. It is distracting and it worries me. And with the way things are going, now I am also worried that the need to have a diverse executive team is no longer an imperative, and that I will be summarily fired when I least expect it.

Am I nuts? I am hoping you can provide some perspective.

Token CFO

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Token CFO,

You aren’t nuts. And you aren’t suffering from imposter syndrome or tokenism. It seems what you might be struggling with is the weight of a bunch of yuck and fear that other people are projecting onto you. And when it’s people who love you and (in theory) want the best for you, it is harder to interpret and to insulate yourself from. This, to me, is simply an example of the dark side of success, which is seldom talked about. It would make sense that the people who love you most would be nothing but supportive, but that is rarely the case. When someone achieves great heights, it can be threatening to loved ones and evoke all kinds of unexpected fears:

• Fear that you might become such a big shot that you don’t have time or space for them
• Fear that you might have huge success only to be bitterly disappointed
• Fear that you will develop an overly inflated view of yourself and your personality will change

And that’s just for starters. None of these fears are conscious—if they were, you wouldn’t have to put up with this nonsense.

Let’s look at this rationally. It sounds like you are comfortable with that.

I asked my pal Betty Dannewitz, our resident expert on imposter syndrome, to weigh in, and she confirms your assessment. She says:

“Imposter syndrome is defined as believing you are inadequate and incompetent despite evidence that indicates you are skilled and quite successful. TCFO doesn’t have imposter syndrome, but what her best friend said is giving her feelings of imposter syndrome. The doubt was planted and that is unfortunate.” 

 Betty goes on to say: “Remember that feelings lie most of the time. So, regardless of how TCFO is feeling, the evidence proves she is competent and capable and they want and need her in that position. She said herself that they call on her for perspective and insight. If she were a token, they would have already checked the box and moved on. In fact, based on the evidence, she is an asset. Believe the data, not the doubt.”

The thing about imposter syndrome is that it can become a catch-all term for any reasonable doubts we may have about ourselves. And who doesn’t have occasional doubts? I have met a few people who truly never doubt themselves and I will admit that they kind of scare me. A little doubt is healthy. It means you are self-aware and you are focused on continual improvement.

Let’s talk about the token thing. As Betty noted, the evidence suggests that your friend’s quip is simply untrue. Betty also opened her response to me with “Nice friend, huh?” which echoed my thought exactly. But let’s remember that the remark came from a dark place that has nothing to do with your reality.

I can understand how you might be worried in this current climate, but there is no reason to look for trouble where none exists. And here is the question I always ask clients if they worry that they were given an opportunity for reasons other than pure merit: What if it were true? What if you got the job because your father is friends with the CEO? What if you got the job because they needed to fill a quota? What if you got the job because someone wants something from you? So what? Because in the end, if you want a job and someone gives it to you, all there is to do is a good job. To prove yourself worthy of your good fortune (if only to yourself). To rise to the occasion, bring your best, and crush it—which you are apparently doing.

Doubts are normal, my friend. Doubt is simply a facet of fear, and fear can be useful. Doubt and fear only become a problem when they stop you from taking smart risks, doing your best work, and fulfilling your potential. You can treat your doubt like a character in the story of your life and talk back to it when it takes up too much space in your head. One of my clients named her doubt Tina—short for Doubtina—and she used to say things like, “Oh, Tina showed up big time this week. We made a detailed list of all her concerns, and it was clarifying. I definitely saw some areas that I could pay more attention to. Then I sent her on her way.”

You can be kind and forgiving to your daughter and your friend, knowing they probably mean well. Just because they are afraid—of losing you or for you—doesn’t mean you have to be. Just keep building those relationships and being your brilliant self.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is the Chief Revenue Officer for a billion-dollar, publicly traded company, and I am watching her melt down in real time. She has been in the job for two years and has made one spectacularly bad decision after another.

Sales have tanked to an all-time low. I know for a fact that the earnings reporting is…not accurate. The stock price is slipping.

On Zoom calls she is manic, erratic, often making bizarre proclamations. I watch the faces of my peers and to a person the eyes are wide, lips tight. But no one is saying anything.

I can’t understand why our CEO, whom everyone acknowledges is a genius, put her in the job to begin with or has tolerated performance that has gone steadily downhill. It makes no sense.

Things have just gotten so weird; I don’t know who I can get a reality check with. It feels like I am losing my mind. I have been with the company a long time, and it has always been on a healthy upward trajectory. The CEO never would have tolerated such poor performance in the past.

I have a lot of stock options as part of my comp, and I am thinking now would be a good time to vest, with the stock price so low. I get calls from headhunters all the time, and I am beginning to think I should take them. I would feel bad abandoning my team, all of whom I love and care for. I am so conflicted.

Should I Bail?

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Should I Bail?

It sounds like a topsy-turvy world. I think when people start behaving strangely, especially when the CEO is asleep at the wheel—either actively ignoring an obvious problem or, as you imply, is somehow misrepresenting the numbers—you must assume something shady is going on. If no one is pointing out that the proverbial Empress Has No Clothes but you see it clearly, I would say you should trust your own judgment.

I can’t tell you to leave your job but I can ask you this: If your best friend told you all of what you have told me, and you trusted his judgment, what advice would you give him? If your immediate answer is “are you kidding, get the heck out of there!” —well, there is your answer.

There is no harm in taking the calls from recruiters, exploring your options, and getting a sense of what opportunities are available out there. You can brush off your resume and update your LinkedIn profile to be poised and ready to exit if your instincts prove correct. The only person who is going to care about your career and financial stability at this point is you, so preparing is smart. I applaud your concern about your team; it would be painful to feel like you are letting people down. If you do bail, you must trust that they will take your lead, start looking for options, and all land on their feet.

I often ask successful people what their biggest mistake was, and fascinatingly, almost to a person, it is a variation on “I didn’t pay attention to my gut and went along when I knew I shouldn’t.” You have been with the company for long enough that you can tell when you are seeing things that don’t add up. If you are not habitually negative and think something is going terribly wrong, then you are probably right.

Good luck to you.

Love,

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I always get a little overwhelmed during the holiday season, but this year I am at the brink. I have a big team at work and I usually try to create some kind of fun event for us—but this year it just isn’t happening. There is a massive problem with our technology and my team and I are having a hard time doing our jobs. My printer stopped working and so did the key card I use to go from building to building. Two of my people are out sick and another needs to be talked off the ledge every hour on the hour. 

In my personal life, my car’s check engine light is on and my mechanic won’t return my calls. My dryer at home is broken, and I have two kids coming home from college with suitcases full of laundry. Our Christmas tree is up, but it isn’t decorated, and I usually have the house all ready for the kids. I haven’t even ordered Christmas cards, let alone sent any! The dog is limping for some unknown reason and the cat keeps throwing up on my bed.

I just got off the phone with a colleague who told me that one of my direct reports dropped a big ball and really screwed up. I am this close to picking up the phone and letting my direct report have it, but I know it wasn’t really his fault. So I am writing you instead.

I feel like everyone and everything is letting me down and I am pushing a huge rock uphill by myself. I can’t even think anymore. Help?

Melting Down

______________________________________________________________

Dear Melting Down,

Oh my dear, this sounds hard. And so familiar. When you start feeling sorry for yourself, it is time to stop. Just stop. Take a deep breath. Say out loud: “This is not neurosurgery, no one is dying.” Repeat three times.

Then, take action.

Make a list of everything you are tolerating. You can read about tolerations in one of my old posts here. Essentially, a toleration* is every little thing you are putting up with. When the list gets too long, one tiny straw can break the camel’s back. This is where you are right now.

Once you have your lists—one for work and one for home—look at each item one by one. Decide whether you are going to deal with it, dump (ignore) it, or delegate it. Some things are simply outside of your control and you will just have to suck them up. Others you can either do something about yourself or get others to handle.

Before you get to it, though, you need to consider your standards—your expectations of yourself and others based on both what you think is important and marks you have hit in the past. Remember: standards are not laws. Gravity is a law. I must have the tree decorated by the time the kids come home is not. Do you see the difference? You have made up that some of the standards you hold yourself to are a priority—when, in fact, your reality is making them impossible. For right now, as you go over your list of tolerations, ask yourself where can I lower my standards, just for this year? I remember one year when I was similarly overextended, I just didn’t do Christmas cards. My sister-in-law was horrified—but you know what? Nobody died.

So lower your standards and your expectations of how things should be. Deal with the real problems—like your car—the ones that won’t resolve themselves and will probably turn into bigger, more expensive problems. Find a new mechanic. If the dog is still limping, make a vet appointment. Assuming the cat is feeling better, close the door to your bedroom just in case.

Let the kids decorate the tree when they get home and take their clothes to the laundromat. Send them a warm text to explain your situation and to warn them so they aren’t surprised. They may moan, but they will also probably rise to the occasion—especially if you manage their expectations. Send a nice email to your work team thanking them for their hard work and promising a fun event in February—which, honestly, is when people really need one. The technology problems will resolve themselves eventually, and you aren’t going to get fired.

Tom Magliozzi, one of the co-hosts of NPR’s Car Talk show, says: “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” Deal with the incontrovertible reality, and remember the rest is all made up. Be the model of grace, humor, generosity, and patience you know yourself to be, especially with your team. Keep breathing. Your kids and you will be fine.

I wish you great peace, healthy pets, a functioning car, and upgraded technology in the New Year.

Love, Madeleine

* Thomas Leonard, a pioneer of the coaching profession and the founder of Coach University, the ICF, and Coachville, coined the term tolerations in the late 1980s.

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

An avid “yachtee,” my 90-year-old dad recently cut himself while on his boat, which resulted in a four-day stay in the hospital. Now I’m on deck as his main caregiver. Admittedly, it can be exhausting to look after an elderly parent, run two households and—oh yes—work full-time.

The gift in all of this? I’m hearing stories from Dad about his life experiences that I never would have heard if we hadn’t spent this time together. These stories are not only about the person he is and the life he’s led—they are also life lessons that are giving me insight into who I am and how I arrived at this point in my life. Being a caregiver has upended my life in unexpected ways that sometimes feel like total chaos, and yet I wouldn’t trade Dad’s stories for anything.

Leaders, too, occasionally may feel as if they are living in turmoil. I work for a wonderful woman who recently referred to this concept as “being over her skis”—a term you may recognize as feeling a bit out of control on a downhill slope, with no way to brake. An executive client who works for a US federal agency expressed the feeling as an “intensity of anticipated change.”

So where are the gifts in these situations? And how do we recognize them for what they are? Here are 3 questions you can ask yourself that may lend a little clarity:

1. If I were in control, how would I choose to feel or think in this situation?
2. What environment do I want to create for others, and how do I do so?
3. What can I learn from this situation and how can I apply that learning?

While we may not be in control of a particular circumstance, we can be in control of our emotions. Notice what you are feeling and what messages you are telling yourself. If necessary, make a conscious shift to a more productive and positive outlook.

Know that as a leader, people look to you as a barometer. When you project calm assurance, others will respond in kind. But if you are crazed with stress, using fear as evidence, or getting paralyzed by the unknown, so are your people.

Every day brings a multitude of blessings our way. It is up to us to recognize them for the gifts they are.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Here are 10 tried and true ways you can practice being in the moment and fully present.

1. Turn off your email. Not forever. Just try it for one day.
2. Sing. Loudly and off key is perfectly acceptable. I sing in the car at full volume with the windows down!
3. Dance. With abandon. My husband and I chair dance. My daughter dances on the soccer field. My sister shimmies and shakes when she cooks.  Dance down the hallway to your office. Dance in line at the bank. Music is optional.
4. Breathe. Deeply. And again. And again. And again. Suck in air all the way to the bottom of your lungs—and now a little deeper. Let it out slowly.
5. Laugh. At your favorite comedian, at a movie, at the silly things little kids do.
6. Help someone else. I highly recommend holding doors open or letting someone go in front of you in the grocery store.
7. Praise someone. Sincerely.
8. Thank someone. Sincerely.
9. Call a friend or a family member to say “I love you—and here are 5 reasons why.”
10. Look someone in the eyes. Really look. SEE who they are.

Bonus Activity

11. Put your phone down for 15 minutes. Turn it completely off.

Being fully present is a gift you give to others and to yourself. It improves the quality of interactions with others and the overall quality of your life. After all, it’s pretty darned hard to be anything other than in the moment when you’re singing Sweet Caroline at full volume.  Now sing with me!

Sweet Caroline  (Ba ba bah!)  Good times never seemed so good!  (So good! So good! So good!) 

Be sure to finish the song when you get a chance!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Accept. Accept a compliment rather than turning it away. Accept love in all its glorious forms. Accept feedback as simple information. Accept the soggy graham cracker. Take what is offered with a smile and a little love in your heart. You are worth it!

Listen. Really listen deeply to what is being said—and to what goes unsaid. Go beyond “How are you?” to actually listen to how your colleagues and friends are doing. It means staying focused on the other person in spite of deadlines, ringing phones, and other interruptions. It also means letting go of what you want to say in return, and letting go of judgment about what you hear. Just open the ears and shut the mouth. That’s it.

Believe in others. Little kids have it right. They BELIEVE. You can too. Believe in the best of others. Believe that your friends, colleagues, and complete strangers can achieve their dreams, have their best life ever, meet the perfect partner, lose the last ten pounds, get the promotion, or simply make a needed change. Your belief, bone deep, that others CAN achieve their goals will help them believe it, too.

Play. My nephew knows the value of play. For him, it means time and interaction with his family. He doesn’t care who wins because he celebrates it all. He doesn’t care if the dishes are done, or the reports are written—and yes, those do need to get done—but he knows it’s important to have some fun, too.  When was the last time you simply played? Coloring, football, Monopoly, or our family favorite, “Guess Who?” Making time to play will bring a smile to your face.

Each of these gifts are rich in value and amazing in how they make us feel. They aren’t hard on the wallet and they don’t require hours of wrapping with paper, tape, and bows.

Let me end with a simple “Thank you for coming” and taking the time to read this blog.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a creative director at an advertising agency, and I have been managing teams of people forever. I was the darling of the advertising world when I started, and developed a reputation for hatching brilliant ideas—in fact, you would recognize some of my work. It is a fast paced business with crazy hours. I just barely manage to juggle a household, two elementary school-aged kids, and a husband who works equally nutty hours. This job, which always has been kind of nuts, is now just a 24/7 slog.

I am a good manager. My people love working for me and I attract the best talent to my projects. My problem isn’t with managing people. My problem is that I feel as if I have lost my creativity. Kids in this business are innovative and quirky and fun, and I just don’t have any good ideas any more. I am worried that I am going to be found out, and that stress is really taking a toll. —Am I washed up?

Dear Washed Up,

No. But where you are right now sure is unpleasant, and for that I am truly sorry. To get to be a creative director at an agency you must have started out with amazing ideas and kept it going for a long time. So, fundamentally, you are a clever and imaginative person. But here is the thing. Creativity is a little like a water well, and it isn’t so much that yours has run dry; it is more that you need to prime the pump. Your life sounds exhausting and I am pretty sure what you are experiencing are classic symptoms of burnout. This is tough but reversible.

I have a few ideas. Some may make you roll your eyes because they are obvious, but others might be new to you.

1. Remember. Look to your past life and former self for clues. What did you used to do regularly when you were at your most creative? I guarantee you will think of some activities you did on a regular basis that you no longer do, whether it’s because you simply don’t have time or because something has changed. For example, when asked this question one client realized that she did her best thinking in the bathtub and had recently moved into a new home with a cruddy tub. She re-prioritized the planned renovations and got to work on the bathroom first!
2. Put yourself first. Howard Gardner, one of the foremost researchers on creativity, examined creativity through the lives of some of the great creative geniuses like Stravinsky, Einstein, and Picasso. He found one of the hallmarks of these people to be that they were very good at taking care of themselves so they could do their work. Not only that, they were particularly good at getting other people to take care of them so that they were freed up to think and create. What this would mean for someone like you would be so radical that you might use the label Extreme Self Care. What would this actually look like? Delegating mundane tasks someone else can do, for starters. If you can’t afford help at home, make your kids empty the dishwasher while you meditate for six minutes. Instead of doing laundry, drop it at the Fluff and Fold. Ask yourself, of all the things that suck the life out you at work, what might some of your direct reports be able to do? Your problem may very well be with managing in that you are not giving away enough tedious stuff and keeping some fun work for yourself. I have found that many people will put up with all kinds of overwhelm until they realize that the cost is too high. Sometimes it is a big health scare. Sometimes it is the death of their creativity.
3. Walk. Most people go to the gym so that they can stay in their skinny jeans. But a pile of evidence now shows that the part of you that really needs exercise is your brain. A study from Stanford shows that walking, even for short periods, increases idea generation and problem solving capability. So get up out of your chair and walk. Have walking meetings. Walk around the block for 15 minutes. Just walk.
4. Write morning pages. These next two ideas come directly from Julia Cameron, who wrote a book called The Artist’s Way that swept New York City, and the world, by storm in the early 1990s. “Morning pages” is a practice that involves grabbing a notebook upon first waking and writing 3 full pages of stream of consciousness. That’s it. No censoring, just free flow writing, for 3 pages. It doesn’t have to take more than 15 minutes. I can’t tell how or why it works, but I have used it myself in times of crisis and many clients have used this practice to get through rough spots in their lives, and magical things happen.
5. The Artist’s Date: Also from Julia Cameron, is the concept of the Artist’s Date. She recommends that you take two hours every week to do an activity that involves experiencing, sensing, and observing, with no real agenda other than to simply be in the moment. This can mean a walk in the park, a visit to a museum, listening to music. (I just heard you laugh out loud at the idea of taking two hours a week. To be fair, as a working Mom I feel pretty pleased if I do this two or three times a year, but even that makes a difference.) For more detail on Cameron’s work: http://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/

Finally, Breathe. Is that annoying? It probably is, but too bad. I’ll bet on a regular basis your shoulders are up around your ears and your abdomen is tight—and not in a good way—with anxiety. Take a deep breath in, and release your shoulders on the exhale. Take another breath in and think about what you are trying accomplish, and with the release let go of the judgment you have about your own creativity. The third breath will bring the idea, the word, or the solution. The spirit comes in on the breath. Always. You haven’t lost your creativity forever, I promise. But you will have to fight hard to get it back.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Jillian is quite simply an amazing human being and, at 17, has entered the workforce as a retail worker at the mall. The job has given her a chance to experience many different aspects of human behavior—both good and bad.

Last week Jillian told me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers, a fellow mall worker who was having a very bad day. Rude customers, an angry manager, and low sales had contributed to her fellow mallie’s feelings of anxiety and upset.

Jillian couldn’t help her friend increase her sales, or calm her angry manager, but she could listen. She could look at the situation and determine how she might be of service. And she could make an intentional decision to do something positive to brighten her friend’s day—which in this case was treating her to a smoothie while they talked.

Christian Smith and Hilary Davidson, authors of The Paradox of Generosity, know that the act of generosity actually improves one’s own well being. Jillian’s small act of generosity had very positive results on her fellow mall worker, who went home feeling better. When I asked her what effect the experience had on her, she paused and said, “You know, I didn’t really think about it until you asked, but it made me feel good, too!

As a leader you have the opportunity to make a difference in others’ lives every day. One way great leaders can show they value their people is through regular one on one meetings. When you give direct reports the gift of your time to listen deeply and offer praise, support, and direction, you are showing the person you care. This kind of interaction results in not only increased performance and stronger relationships, but also greater morale. As a bonus, you—like Jillian—may come away from the meeting feeling pretty good, as well.

Want to make a positive difference?  Be generous with your time.  It’s good for your people—and it’s good for you, too.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.