Dear Madeleine,

I am really worried that my company is going to replace my entire team of graphic artists with AI. What can I say to people who have spent decades to get really good at their craft only to see themselves replaced by technology?

I am literally losing sleep over this. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Losing Sleep

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Losing Sleep,

Boy, do I get it. I am old enough to remember seeing the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey in which the Heuristically Programmed Algorithmic computer (HAL) famously takes over the spaceship.  It made a huge impact on me.

Have you asked ChatGPT? I did, and the answer was pretty good! The first four suggestions were almost exactly what I might have proposed. What AI did not do is add the color commentary that I will.

1. Stay Informed – on this one, AI did not suggest, but I do, that you talk to your boss and listen to what is happening through the grapevine to gauge how realistic your concerns are. Are other jobs in the company being replaced by AI? Is there an overall intention and strategy to replace humans with AI? The more you know, the better you can prepare for what is coming.
2. Encourage Your People to Develop Their Skills – The people who can bring something to the table that AI cannot (yet) are the ones who will keep their jobs. With graphic design in particular, I would imagine that those individuals who can ask the right questions and hone in on exactly the feel that is desired will be irreplaceable. The ability to create fresh, new, and original work will be valued.
3. Foster Continuous Learning – Identify things that only humans can do and help people find ways to get better at them. Problem solving and devising new ways to express things will be in demand.
4. Cultivate a Practice of Flexibility and Adaptability – In our industry, we have often expressed the constant change people have to deal with as “the cheese has moved,” based on Spencer Johnson’s book Who Moved My Cheese. The pace of change has been a challenge for the last couple of decades, and it appears that it is only speeding up. Those who can find a way to build their resilience and roll with change will have a much higher quality of life. The question, of course, is how?

Neuroscience research shows that the brain is a predication machine and is much more comfortable with certainty. However, experience shows that nothing is ever certain, so we can predict all we want but we can’t ever be sure what is going to happen next. The best advice I ever heard on this topic came from Ben Zander, the co-author of The Art of Possibility.  Best known for being a charismatic and brilliant conductor, he is also a wonderful and very entertaining speaker. Ben suggested that instead of giving into our impulse to panic when the unexpected pops up, we should stop, take a breath, observe, and say to ourselves “how fascinating!” Essentially, he encourages us to be curious—to engage in whatever is happening with an attitude of inquiry.

So. Losing sleep is not going to help you now. Read up. Talk to people in your company. Listen to podcasts. Get informed. Get curious, stay curious, and encourage curiosity in your people. They are artists, so by definition they must be creative. You might lead with the question “What can we create in this new paradigm?”

I am going to try to follow this advice myself, believe me.  And I will admit the whole thing scares me too. I’ve spent the last twenty years getting better at writing only to find that nobody reads anymore. There are some who are concerned that my entire industry might be replaced by AI.

I really think the only way to deal with today’s world is to keep growing, learning, and changing ourselves. It isn’t comfortable for most of us, and it isn’t easy. As a leader, you can choose to be a role model for your people.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Our mental health has deteriorated during the pandemic, demanding the attention of leaders and businesses.

Under normal circumstances, one in ten adults in the U.S. have symptoms of depression or anxiety. That number has jumped to four in ten during the pandemic—and that might be conservative. Our data show much higher numbers. In our research surveying over 1,900 people across the globe, more than 60% of respondents reported symptoms of anxiety during the pandemic.

The trouble is, emotions can be contagious. If someone is sad or anxious, we’re likely to catch the feeling and pass it on to others. That’s because our autonomic nervous system—which controls whether we are alert, anxious, or calm—interacts with the same systems in others around us. If you’re close with someone, you may experience a sort of empathic matching, where you automatically pick up on and mimic their emotional state. How sensitive you are to this is often determined by your childhood experiences and the mother-child bond. Consider the above statistics in the context of emotional contagion, and it is easy to conclude that we all have experienced a traumatic event and are experiencing collective grief.

Considering what is happening in the world right now, there’s a good chance that someone on your team is struggling. Here’s how you can help them.

Spot the Warning Signs

If you’ve ever had a mental health challenge or experienced burnout, you’re likely more attuned to the warning signs. People seem more anxious, frustrated, and angry. They may look sad. Or be quiet at work. Or be unable to focus. Or send emails far outside normal business hours.

I remember when one of my managers, someone I cared for very much, sent me an email at 2:00 a.m. I reached out to him to find out if everything was okay. I’ll stop my story here, but the point is that a caring relationship between leaders and their people is mutual. No one wants to feel isolated, regardless of their seniority or place in the food chain. And it can be very isolating to be a leader with a lot of responsibility during a difficult time.

According to Jennifer Moss, author of The Burnout Epidemic, warning signs that someone is experiencing chronic stress and mental illness typically fall into four categories:

1. Changes in work habits such as lack of motivation, errors, difficulty concentrating, or lower productivity
2. Behavior changes including mood volatility, worry, irritability, or restlessness
3. Increased absences from work from someone who is normally punctual
4. Recurring complaints of physical symptoms such as fatigue, headache, abdominal distress, or weight change

Look for the Root Cause

If your employees are experiencing burnout, chances are it’s not their fault. In fact, it may be time to take a hard look at your organization’s culture, practices, and expectations to see if they unintentionally might be adding fuel the fire. The results of this inquiry may humble you.

According to the Maslach Burnout Inventory (MBI), there are six primary causes of burnout:

1. Workload
2. Perceived lack of control
3. Lack of reward or recognition
4. Poor relationships
5. Lack of fairness
6. Values mismatch

How does your company fare in each of these categories? Which of these deficiencies could be affecting your team members? Once you have identified them, determine areas for growth or change. Then take responsibility as a leader and see what you can do to move the needle toward a healthier work environment.

Be a Role Model

One of the first things you can do as a leader is to model behaviors you want your people to adopt. We naturally imitate those in power. You can take advantage of your widespread influence by taking care of yourself and sharing this with your people. By doing this, you give them permission to care for themselves. And that is a wonderful gift.

Be Empathetic

The pandemic has taken a toll on everyone. We have lost loved ones, jobs, income, a sense of community, freedoms, hobbies that gave us joy, and on and on. The list is long and significant. Everyone is hurting to some degree.

Being empathetic at a time like this is powerful. Show genuine concern and forget about achieving an outcome. If someone chooses to share, remember they are bearing their soul and speaking from a place of vulnerability. It’s always essential to treat people with respect, but especially at these moments.

What can you do as a leader? Create safe spaces for your people. Let them know that you’ll keep their confidence and they will always have your respect. We conduct well-being conversations in our Building Resilience program. When people return from their breakout groups, they always say how good it felt to share. They also say it was uplifting to listen and be of service. You can be of great help just by listening.

Create a Safe Environment

People need to feel safe before they will share. That means creating a judgment-free environment. You can do this by first sharing how you are feeling in a team meeting. Your courageous leadership will create a path that others know they can then follow.

You may also want to consider these tips for verbal and non-verbal communication from the Canadian Centre for Occupational Health when initiating conversations around mental health and well-being:  

VERBAL TIPS

• Speak calmly, quietly, and confidently.
• Be aware of how you are delivering your words.
• Focus your attention on the other person to let them know you are interested in what they have to say.
• Use common words. Do not use official language, jargon, or complex terminology.
• Listen carefully. Do not interrupt with unsolicited advice or criticism.

NONVERBAL TIPS

• Use calm body language. Have a relaxed posture with unclenched hands and an attentive expression.
• Position yourself at a right angle to the person, rather than directly in front of them.
• Give the person enough physical space. This distance varies by culture, but normally two to four feet is considered an adequate distance.
• Get on the person’s physical level. If they are seated, try sitting, kneeling, or bending rather than standing over them.
• Pay attention to the person. Do not do anything else at the same time, such as answer phone calls or read e-mails.

Some people may be reluctant to share. My inspiring colleague John Hester has created a list of questions to help get the conversation started. Use these when checking in with someone who looks like they may be struggling.

• How are things going for you?
• How is your family?
• How are you feeling?
• What are you excited about?
• What concerns you?
• How is your connection to the team?
• What do you need more of or less of?
• How can I help?

Whether it’s children, spouses, or parents, everyone has family members they care about and love. Having loved ones is a common denominator that allows you to connect with your people. For example, if you were to ask me how I’m doing, I’d tell you that I’m struggling because my grandfather passed away. I have to process my grief while also supporting my mother, who is mourning the loss of her father.

One trust-building strategy is to start conversations with questions about the person’s family. Then, as they become more comfortable talking, ask them questions about how they are doing. By asking open-ended questions, the person may reveal something important. This also includes positive answers such as something they find inspiring.

Use the Right Style of Leadership

Effective leaders are situational—they provide the right amount of direction or support when a person needs it. Consider the alternatives: micromanaging (which destroys engagement) or hands-off management (which destroys morale).

SLII® is an easy-to-understand, practical framework that enables your managers to diagnose the development level of an employee for a task: D1—Enthusiastic Beginner; D2—Disillusioned Learner; D3—Capable, but Cautious, Contributor; and D4—Self-Reliant Achiever. Managers then use the appropriate directive and supportive behaviors to help them succeed: S1—Directing; S2—Coaching; S3—Supporting; and S4—Delegating.

My students in the Master’s in Executive Leadership program at the University of San Diego come to me elated when they’re able to get on the same page with their people and build a meaningful connection by applying the matching leadership style. Not only does their job as a leader become easier, but their people feel heard and supported, which leads to better engagement, productivity, and progress for the organization.

A good default position is to ask “How can I help?” Such a sincere question will always win the goodwill of the listener.

Leadership in the New Normal

The pandemic has changed us all in some way. We are different as individuals and as a society. We cannot and will not return to old models.

Prevention is better than cure for any well-being challenge—and especially burnout. It is much easier to recognize the warning signs of burnout and take care of ourselves than to recover from it. The key is to build trust with your people and help them thrive again. And that day will come.

Dear Madeleine

I am fairly new director in a large global organisation. We are a liaison team designed to work in tandem with product development and marketing.

I have a great team—all inherited and all very skilled and experienced. Their former boss (who was let go) was very rigid and very focused on process and details. He was not able to accomplish what the organization needed his team to accomplish.

I appreciate that the department runs like a well-oiled machine but I have been tasked with getting this team to innovate, try new things, and experiment. How can I get them to loosen the reigns and stop being so wedded to “the way we do things”? They were all initially hired because of their creativity, but it seems to have been beaten out them. How can I bring them back to life and help them get their spark back?

Catalyst

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Catalyst,

My first thought is that it has to be easier to get people to loosen up than try to corral a bunch of creatives to stay in their lanes. But I guess we’ll see if that’s true. Somehow the former director managed to create order and compliance, but he left the critical deliverable for the team on the cutting room floor. He probably used fear and intimidation to do it. So the first thing you need to do is make sure your people feel safe. They spent years trying to figure out how to make their last boss happy and therefore retain their jobs, and now here you are telling them that none of that matters anymore. It is bound to fill them with fear. So remember to tell them that you know the transition will be messy, you are committed to helping, and no one is at risk. Be ready to repeat it. A Lot. Don’t assume they will remember, because they won’t. Once the adrenaline and cortisol released in the face of big change stops pumping through their systems, they will calm down.

You might want to start with context. Explain where things went off the rails and what all of you, as a team, need to do to get yourselves back on track. Simply tell the truth without criticizing anyone or badmouthing the former boss. Just state the facts and clarify your mandate.

Then, so you don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, ask the group what they think works really well about their current processes. Managing the chaos that innovation and creativity invariably causes will be easier if you can maintain some of the well-oiled-machine aspects of the team.

Take some time to meet one on one with each member of the team so you can ascertain what each person’s strengths are and what they love to do most. You will be able to use your insights to put small groups together to work on projects.

From our research, we know a team leader’s role is to:

• set clear goals for the team;
• ensure the team’s purpose is clear;
• communicate how the team’s purpose is aligned with the organization’s vision, values, and strategies;
• track progress on deliverables; and
• hold team members accountable for their commitments.

For more detail on this, click here.

You might think about working as a team to create a team charter. This is defined as a set of agreements, developed through a collaborative team effort, that provides a framework for what the team wants to accomplish and how the team will work together to achieve results. A charter will help establish the team purpose, the team’s goals, who plays what roles, and the agreed upon behavioral norms. If you create the charter together, you will have a lot of buy-in from the team as they try on new ways of operating.

This covers all the basics—but I know you also want to find a way to encourage everyone to find their way back to their creative selves. Consider leading your team through a twelve-week program laid out in the book The Artist’s Way at Work. It is based on Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way, now almost 30 years old and, honestly, as fresh as ever. I have been using concepts from these books with clients for decades. I’ve also used them myself when I have lost my mojo, so I can attest that they always make a difference and provide powerful results. Working through the program as a team will help everyone to bond—but, more important, it will help your square pegs find their way back to who they were before they were jammed into round holes. If it feels like too much to do the whole program, maybe choose a couple of chapters to work through. Or do the whole program over a longer period of time. It can only help—and will definitely get the wheels turning!

Tell the truth. Be crystal clear about how the expectations have changed. Keep the stuff that works. Help your people reconnect with themselves.

It is a lot—and it sounds like there is a lot riding on your being successful. Your team is vulnerable, but if you can earn their trust and make them feel safe, they will blow you away.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Exhaustion is in the air, but you can generate the vitality you need right now.

We need first to understand why we’re all feeling depleted. There are two types of depletion: physical and psychological. We all know the signs of physical depletion and its remedy: take a walk, eat healthy food, do yoga, rest. But if you’ve ever had to drag yourself out of bed, even after a good night’s sleep, it probably has nothing to do with your physical reserves. More likely, your low energy results from your mental state. You are psychologically depleted.

Our psychological well-being depends on the feeling that we have a choice in a situation, are connected with others, and are competent enough to meet the challenges at hand. Consider the current world situation, and it’s no wonder that our choice, connection, and competence feels under siege.

How the Pandemic Limits Choice, Connection, and Competence

The pandemic has challenged our sense of choice. “I have to wear a mask. I have to get a vaccine. I have to work in a virtual team.” Suddenly, it appears that your choices are limited.

But choice is a matter of perception. Some people have struggled during the pandemic, feeling that their freedom is restricted. When this happens, they often react by making questionable choices to restore their sense of control. Other people think, “I can go to the store and wear a mask, or I can choose to stay home and order the item online.”

The pandemic’s effect on connection is obvious. We are in the middle of a global experiment in social distancing. It’s risky to get together in groups. People’s feelings of loneliness are skyrocketing.

As for competence, we’re all in unfamiliar territory filled with new conditions and demands. Competence can be as simple as trying to prevent your glasses from fogging up when you’re wearing a mask. More demanding examples include mastering new technology, homeschooling your kids, and caring for a sick loved one. It is an unrelenting barrage.

The erosion of choice, connection, and competence leads to feeling depleted—your psychological well-being has diminished. But you can restore your sense of choice, connection, and competence and generate much-needed vitality.

You Always Have Choices 

You always have choices—even in the most difficult situations. You may counter that a prisoner doesn’t have options, but that’s incorrect. We can choose how we will respond to any challenge.

Viktor Frankl, a neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor, wrote Man’s Search for Meaning. He shared that when he was in a concentration camp, he felt a surge of energy when he shared his bread—even when he was starving. He would also help someone up if they fell, although the punishment was being whipped. In these dire circumstances, he concluded that nobody could take his autonomy away. That is certainly true for us. We always have a choice.

Mindfulness increases our awareness of the choices we have. If we are weighed down with worry, we’re less likely to see and appreciate the options available to us. Stay in the present. Ask yourself, “What choices do I have at this moment?”

Creating Connection

We are hardwired to connect with others. A great way to feel connected is to volunteer; to contribute to something greater than yourself. Even with social distancing, you can seek out opportunities to help others.

There is overwhelming evidence that helping others is physically and psychologically beneficial. Helping others is helping ourselves. So if you’re feeling disconnected, you can remedy it by participating in something larger than yourself; something that unites people, not divides them.

Connection is also a matter of finding meaning, whatever your circumstances. Meaningful is not a selfish, self-centered, or me-against-the-world attitude. It is about contributing to the greater good. And it’s exhilarating when we do this. The best choices are meaningful choices.

Just a word of caution in our divisive times. Belonging to a tribe that pits one person or group against another or is based on an us-versus-them mentality won’t give you a true sense of connection. It might momentarily fill a void, but it will ultimately leave you empty.

Competence: Be Gentle with Yourself

We need to be gentle with ourselves. The pandemic is a unique situation in our lives, and we’re all stumbling as we navigate the challenges of a new world. We need to give ourselves a break and take a page from SLII®. We are all disillusioned learners (called “D2”) who struggle to master the world around us. We’re at D2 when wearing a mask, getting distracted while working at home, and on and on.

Being at D2 is uncomfortable. (Read our blog on becoming comfortable with this unavoidable phase). Keep in mind that being at D2 is a natural stage of development. With proactive self leadership, you will move through it to attain mastery.

Build Your Psychological Well-being on Choice, Connection, and Competence

Choice, connection, and competence are the building blocks of psychological vitality. And that stimulates physical energy. So the next time you’re feeling sluggish and depleted, consider if your need for choice, connection, or competence is under threat. Then take steps to consider your choices, connect your choices to meaningful values that contribute to the greater good, and appreciate how much you’re learning. You’ll soon be feeling vital.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a sales EVP in fast growing but incredibly competitive software. The pandemic threw demand into overdrive, which is great, but it means quotas have ballooned as well. Our structure is regional and all of the regional VPs report to me.

My issue is one very whiny VP who is convinced that his team is getting the short end of the stick in terms of leads. He is always crying foul and favoritism at how named accounts and marketing leads are allocated. The current processes and communications were designed by my predecessor, and they seemed perfectly fine and fair to me when I was a VP. They make sense to me, so I just don’t understand the problem.

I would feel more inclined to pay attention if I saw that VP’s team crushing it with the leads that are handed to them. The last big event produced many folks to follow up with and his team didn’t go near about half of them. When I pointed this out, he claimed anyone who wasn’t contacted was with an organization whose headquarters are in someone else’s region and he didn’t want his people developing accounts they would have to turn over to someone else. That just seems lame to me. Even if a relationship does have to be turned over, his salesperson would get credit and a piece of the action.

I want to tell him to suck it up and get on with it, but maybe I am missing something. I was promoted about three months after he was, so we were never peers, and I don’t know him well.

What Am I Missing?

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear What Am I Missing?

Probably not much. I have never seen a sales organization that doesn’t have to manage conflict over the perceived fairness of structures, compensation, and processes. And even if sales is working like a well-oiled machine, it will be at odds with marketing. Then, of course, there is always the delivery organization to blame when things go wrong. I appreciate that you are seeking to understand and that you are aware you might be missing something. It shows self-awareness and the willingness to at least try to see someone else’s point of view, even in the face of your irritation. Not all EVPs of sales are known for their patience or generosity.

This is what relationship counselor John Gottman calls a “perpetual issue,” which means it isn’t a solvable problem. Gottman uses the concept in the context of marriage and partnerships, but I think it translates. It is a permanent situation that needs to be managed with regular communication, patience, generosity, and humor.

Social neuroscience research shows us that certain things cause our brains to go on tilt: being excluded, disappointment of positive expectations, our autonomy being restricted, and unfairness are top contenders. The neurochemical onslaught triggered under certain conditions can make almost everyone feel, if not behave, like a five-year-old. And some people are way more attuned to lack of perceived fairness than others. If you look at your entire group of direct reports, you will be able to pick out the ones who are even more motivated to win if they think they got the short end of the stick, just to prove they can win no matter what.

It sounds like you don’t have much of a relationship with Whiny VP. It might help just to spend a little time getting to know him and getting to the nitty gritty of his complaints. You can tell him you don’t really understand the problem—but you want to and you hope he can help you see it. Listen carefully for what you might be missing, such as things left unsaid or something he is sensitive about that he might not want to say directly. You never know—it might be revealed that there are problems at home or that he is suffering from a health problem. Or perhaps he is trying to direct attention away from performance for another reason.

The key here is to ask Whiny VP what exactly he suggests be done about the situation and his dissatisfaction. Is he just expecting you to fix it for him?

One question to consider: Is he the only one who feels this way? If there are others, perhaps the whole team could brainstorm a better approach. Just because the system worked for a while doesn’t mean it will work forever. Perhaps the changes caused by going into COVID hyperdrive shifted things in ways that aren’t immediately apparent. Big change fast can cause all kinds of subtle shifts that upset equilibrium.

What about other areas of his performance? Is he doing well there? If he is floundering on all fronts, he may not be able to rise to what is expected in the role he was promoted into. I always heard about The Peter Principle—that people are inevitably promoted based on their success to a position in which their skills do not translate, and find themselves floundering—but I never understood it until a few years ago when I saw it in action. It is especially true in sales that people are promoted because they are excellent salespeople, not because they have demonstrated management skills.

Take some time and ask some questions:

• What exactly isn’t working?
• How could it be better?
• If you were me, what would you do?
• Help me to see what you see…
• What is your take on this?
• What else do you think I should know?

You have every right to share your expectation that it is fine to raise concerns or objections—but once they have been examined and either deemed okay or rectified, whining is not allowed. It is also okay for you to point out when other VPs and their teams seem to be able to perform within the same framework.

Get curious. You’ll get more of handle on what is really going on, and then you’ll know how to proceed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager. I like my company, I like my job, and I like my team. I have always received good performance reviews and my boss thinks I can do no wrong. I feel lucky, all things considered—this past year was as challenging for our company as it was for others, but we are doing okay.

My problem is that lately I’ve been flying off the handle. Things will be going fine, then something will set me off and the next thing you know I’m saying things I know I’ll regret. For example, one of my employees has a whiny voice that grates on my nerves and it is everything I can do to be civil with her. This kind of thing has been happening more and more, and after each time I promise myself not to let it happen again— but then, out of nowhere, it does.

No one has said anything yet but I can tell that my team members are nervous around me now, which also puts me on edge. I have to find a way to get control of this but I don’t know where to start.

What’s wrong with me?

Flying Off the Handle

________________________________________________________

Dear Flying Off the Handle,

Something is wrong. Something is very wrong, and your brain knows it and wants you to pay attention. I want you to pay attention.

I appreciate that you have the self-awareness to notice that something is seriously out of whack and you must get to the bottom of it. Without more information, it is almost impossible for me to provide intelligent input. I started to cover all of the possibilities, but when my answer got way too long, I created a picture to sum it all up:

Here are the possibilities I see—from 1 (which should be a fairly simple fix) to 7 (which could be very serious).

1. Tolerations

A toleration is a teeny thing you are putting up with. One or two are fine—but when they start to accumulate, they can become a huge drain on your energy. Think of a toleration as a little pebble. One pebble in your pocket is not a problem. Even five would be fine. But twenty-five or more would cause a real issue.

The first step in eliminating tolerations is to name them. Write out all the things you are putting up with at work. Think of as many as you can. Write quickly. Aim for twenty-five. Start with your old laptop, your phone battery that is dying too quickly, your squeaky office chair, your cat who keeps napping on your keyboard and leaving cat fur everywhere, your outdated software that keeps reminding you to update, colleagues who don’t respond to emails, resources that get allocated to other people. Tolerations are usually things that, on their own, are not large enough to require your immediate attention—but they bug you just the same.

Next, triage and organize. Review your list and identify what you can change and what you can’t. Remember: listing what you are putting up with doesn’t make you a whiner; it’s actually the beginning of the process of eliminating the things that drain you and keep you from focusing on what is really important.

Then, take action. The power of tolerations comes from their buildup and their subsequent removal. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your state of mind is to literally change a light bulb in the hallway, clean out your email inbox, or go buy a longer phone charging cord. Dealing with tolerations has a magical way of putting a spring back in your step so you can get back to the business you most need to focus on. You can read more on Tolerations here.

2. Denial

Something has changed in your life and you’re pretending it’s OK when, in fact, it isn’t.

So what has changed? Anything? Have you moved your home? Separated from your spouse? Lost a beloved dog? Sent a kid off to college? Are you having an argument with a neighbor? Here is a link to a questionnaire to help you to assess potential changes you might be dealing with and their impact on stress levels.

If that’s not it, maybe something is going wrong at work that you’re in denial about.

What you’re describing was defined by Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking work Emotional Intelligence as an Amygdala Hijack. Essentially, it means that your pre-frontal cortex, the seat of judgment and self-regulation in your brain, has been overwhelmed and your limbic system has taken over with a fight-or-flight response. Do you somehow feel threatened? Maybe you have an enemy at work who is bullying you. Something is shorting your brain out or something new is “triggering” you. (I am not a fan of that word, but in this case, it could be apt.) Maybe you have been letting your team get away with bad behavior and you are finally sick of it. Maybe the whiny-voiced employee is actually whining, and you need to tell her to cut it out. If nothing is coming to mind, make a quick list of everything you are putting up with at work and see if something surprises you.

3. Emotional Illiteracy

Don’t be offended—I don’t mean to insult you. If you were to diagnose yourself as being emotionally illiterate, you wouldn’t be alone. One of my many coaches, Paul Cutright, always says: “People are never upset for the reason they think they are.” Most of us vaguely know when something is upsetting us but often have no idea exactly what it is, why it is upsetting, or, for that matter, which specific unpleasant emotion we are feeling. I have a personal theory that men, in particular, interpret all unpleasant emotions as anger and that is how those emotions get expressed. But the emotion could actually be concern, fear, uncertainty, hurt feelings, umbrage, exclusion, sadness. Personally, I often have no idea I am upset until I find myself being testy with someone who has done nothing to deserve my ire. I’ll have to go for a walk or do some writing to figure it out.

Susan David has done wonderful work on what she calls Emotional Agility. Her research supports the concept that the more we do the work to both understand what we are feeling and label it accurately, the better able we will be to express it and defuse the power of it. She offers all of her talks as well as a very cool quiz on her website. I suspect this might make a difference for you.

4. Lack of Self Care

I mentioned the pre-frontal cortex (PFC) earlier. It can easily become overwhelmed and then your limbic system has to take over. All of your ability to self-regulate and choose a response, rather than simply react, is managed by your PFC. The PFC is a resource hog, it needs a constant supply of glucose, rest, sleep, exercise, and hydration. If you have too much going on, are making too many decisions, aren’t taking proper breaks, aren’t eating so your blood sugar is too low, aren’t sleeping enough, or are otherwise failing to take care of yourself, your brain will start to show the wear and tear.

Have your regular self-care routines been interrupted? Have you had to miss your regular run or workout? Have you been skipping meals? Up all night worrying about climate change? Cut it out. Nobody is winning if you are off your game.

5. Burnout

Causes of burnout are varied and there is a disagreement about what it really is. It can be hard to pinpoint. Common causes are boredom, too much responsibility without corresponding authority, lack of autonomy, or no opportunity to achieve mastery.

It sounds like you have been doing the same job for a long time. Maybe you are bored. Boredom can creep up on you—this can be subtle because most people resist the truth. The thinking goes: “Things are going great, why mess with a good thing?” When was the last time you were challenged?

Or maybe you are just exhausted. If that’s the case, you are going to have to take a big step back and engage in some seriously extreme self-care. By this I mean take a vacation. Have you used your vacation time? Have you been having any fun at all?

6. Extreme Stress

This could be a combination of denial and emotional illiteracy supported by a culture that supports keeping a stiff upper lip and not complaining when things get hard.

I once worked with a client who was feeling apathetic about pretty much everything. About two months into the coaching, he casually mentioned that his partner had passed away four months back. I was stunned. Of course, it all made sense—the poor guy was grieving! When I said as much, he said “Oh no, that can’t be it; I had known for a long time that he was going to die so it wasn’t a surprise. I’m over it.” Hmmm. No. I understand that no one wants to wallow or feel sorry for themselves, but come on. We are all human, and we all have to process a lot of thoughts and feelings about big life events. Grieving, especially, is wildly misunderstood in Western culture and can deeply affect people for years. Take this stress assessment and see whether you are, indeed, dealing with extreme stress. The crazy thing is that even really positive events like a promotion, a financial windfall, or getting married can be highly stressful.

And let us not forget that we are all living in a period of plague and civil unrest that might be affecting you more than you are admitting to yourself. 

7. Medical Issue

I Googled around (which I don’t recommend unless you need to get nervous enough to get your butt into the doctor—in which case, be my guest). It is possible that you have some kind of health problem that is subtle but is wearing you down. If none of the above possibilities resonates, it would be smart to make a doctor’s appointment and get a full physical. Best case, you’ll get a full physical and find out you are in perfect health but just have a lot of tolerations. Worst case, you’ll find out something is wrong and catch it early, which can only be good.

As you embark on this journey of self-examination and reflection, you will probably be impatient with what feels like navel gazing. But the fact is, that is what is required of you now. When you are watching yourself behave in ways you don’t condone or understand, you must figure it out before it gets worse and causes a real problem. Talk to a close friend or your partner. Take a long walk and pretend you are being interviewed about your life. Pray if that’s your thing. Write it all down if that’s better for you. Just start to express what is in your heart. I am hoping that, with the structure I’ve laid out, you will stumble over what is going on.

In the meantime, I’d recommend you talk to your whole team about this. Just get the elephant in the room right out in the open. Tell them you have noticed that you have been unusually volatile and you are working to understand why and to manage the behavior. And it isn’t personal.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Don’t put your head in the sand now—get on it and stay on it. You’ll be so glad you did.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Today’s blog covers the promised Part Two from last week’s blog post. If you missed it and want to see the whole letter and the context, click here.

Here’s the part of the letter, signed Paralyzed, that I am addressing today:

“I asked my manager to tell me what she thought the most critical thing was for me to focus on and she told me she thinks I have trouble making decisions. She is right. I have friends who tell me I am wishy-washy. My partner agrees. I agree. I am a data geek and I like to be able to look at things from all sides before making decisions. The problem is that this approach doesn’t work when time is tight—which is always.”

Dear Paralyzed (Part Two),

There is a vast and constantly growing body of research and scholarship on the art and science of decision making. Entire classes and books are devoted to it. I’ve tried to boil it all down, but you can be 100% certain that I have left something out. My aim is not to review every possibility but to offer useful advice, tailored to where you are in your development (early career, high potential, being considered for promotion).

Here are some thoughts:

It is a personality trait—and you are getting a core need met: Folks with a very specific personality type are more attached to accuracy than the rest of us. As a self-described “data geek,” you may fit this profile—which means you may have a need to be right. The more complex the decision and the less clear the alternatives, the more your need to be right will hamstring you.

If you think this might be the case, you will have to get that need met in other ways and detach it from decisions that have to be made quickly. You must literally practice moving ahead even though you might be not quite right, or even wrong. How on earth to do this?

Try making some low-risk decisions without enough data, to build your tolerance. Get used to the discomfort. It will never go away because the decisions only get bigger with the jobs. Here is the silver lining: although you are aware of the drawbacks of being a poor decision maker, the opposite problem—making decisions without sufficient thought or information—can cause just as much damage, although it often is seen as a strength and corrected way too late.

It’s a habit: Consider that your wishy-washiness is less a character trait and more of a habit. Habits are notoriously hard to break, but even good habits can outlive their usefulness. Try to notice when you are defaulting to habitual waffling and choose another tactic. When the risk is low, just roll with your first gut response and see how it goes. If you think this might be your problem, learn more about habits and how to break them, from Charles Duhigg, here.

You don’t have a system to make good decisions: Oh dear, where to start? There is so much interesting stuff on this topic, and boy, did I go down the rabbit hole. To save myself (and you) from going completely off the rails with this, I went to one of my all-time favorite resources: The Owner’s Manual for the Brain by Pierce J. Howard. I hate to recommend 1000-page books, but, since you are a geek, it might be your cup of tea. I was introduced to it by one of our company’s resident geniuses, VP of Applied Learning Dr. Vicki Halsey—and as a social neuroscience devotee it is a go-to resource for me. Chapter 26, “Creating Leverage: Brain-Based Decision Making” is worth the price of the book (and the weight) all on its own. In his Concern Analysis Flowchart (Fig. 26.3, pg. 704), Dr. Howard recommends a few methods to get you started:

• Mind Mapping: I am a huge fan of this technique because my thinking style is so wildly random that it Is almost impossible for me to think anything through using linear reasoning. Using a mind map helps you get all relevant thoughts on a piece of paper at once and then put them in order. This way, you can tease out the most important details and the relative importance of everything else. It also helps you make connections you otherwise might not have seen.
• Pareto Analysis: The Pareto Principle (also known as the 80/20 rule) is the idea that by doing 20% of the work you can generate 80% of the benefit of doing the entire job. Using it to analyze your items when making a decision might help you quickly discard the less relevant items. The mindtools website has massive amounts of material on decision making, among other useful topics, that you can data-geek out on at your leisure.
• Fishbone Analysis: This method originated with the Total Quality Management method. It is also known as the cause-and-effect diagram or the Ishikawa method. This tool helps organize your thinking around the root cause of a problem.

You simply struggle with self-doubt: Don’t we all? Okay, some people don’t, I guess, but I haven’t met them. The more practice you get at making decisions, the better you will get at it. Success will breed success. A couple of actions you can take right now to decrease your doubt are:

• Know what you know and what you don’t. Consider literally reviewing what you know—about your departmental activities, your entire organization, your industry—on a regular basis. In reviewing, you might uncover some gaps you need to fill the whole picture. The more you stay on top of what is going on around you, the more prepared you will be to pull your thoughts together quickly.
• Build your expert posse. You can’t possibly know everything all the time, but you can know who to go to for what. Identify the people around you who are as geeky as you and who have a depth of knowledge on topics that aren’t your specialty. Build relationships with each of them, enough to ensure that they will answer your text in a hurry when you need them. Offer your own expertise when they need it. As we say at Blanchard, “None of us is as smart as all of us.”
• Know your waterline. It is easy to get paralyzed by the fear of risk when you aren’t entirely sure what the consequences will be. So you need to know exactly where your decision-making authority reaches its limits. You need to know the tolerable mistakes you can make on your own, compared with those you have to escalate because they could sink the ship. In other words, you must know where the waterline is and which decisions could affect the soundness of the whole boat.

I learned this concept from my husband, Scott. He was blown away by it when he worked with W.L. Gore & Associates, where it is one of their company values. They define it this way: “We are all shareholders, and we will consult with the appropriate Associates before taking an action ‘below the waterline’ that could cause serious damage to the long-term success or reputation of our Enterprise.”

Sit down with your manager and establish where your waterline is—which consequences are acceptable, if imperfect, and which consequences will cause big problems. This concept will serve you well when you start managing people.

The wishy-washiness part is fun for you: I have a dear friend who agonizes over the menu when we go out to dinner together. It is maddening. She is a wildly successful professional who, though thoughtful and deliberate with big decisions, does not, thank God, belabor them. But her menu scrutiny would delay our order and, thus, my dinner. She finally noticed my annoyance and called me out on it. We discussed it and uncovered that, as a true foodie, she enjoyed the process of examining every item on the menu and discussing its possible merits, while I was simply hungry. We devised a solution: I would quickly order an appetizer when we sat down so that I could manage my blood sugar. She, then, would be able to take her time savoring her options. My point? You have to recognize when you can indulge your desire to go deep and savor the moment, and you can’t.  Do it when you can, enjoy it.  Cut to the chase when you have a tight timeline.

I know, Paralyzed. This post was too long. I hope I haven’t made you sorry you asked. I had an awful lot of fun coming up with your answer, though, so for that I thank you. Remember: you are going to be just fine. Einstein (no dummy) said “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” And Winston Churchill said “Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.”

So geek on out with these ideas, and then go forth and be decisive. You will absolutely make some mistakes. It is the only way for you to grow and become more valuable to your organization. You will get smarter and braver, and be well on the way to fulfilling your very high potential.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I just got off the phone and immediately realized that I need some help. I spoke to an employee in a way I am ashamed of. I didn’t yell or flip my lid, but I was curt, demanding, and unsympathetic, and I interrupted him several times.

I have some things going on in my life that have me down in the dumps. I’m beginning to get impatient with my employees because they ask so many questions and eat up so much of my time. This is not me. I consider myself a very supportive manager and a happy person under normal circumstances.

I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to leave my personal issues at the door so that I can avoid speaking to my employees in a way I will regret.

Need to Nip it in the Bud

Dear Need to Nip,

Thank you for this beautiful letter. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I hate it when I am not my best self! Of course, it is a 24/7 job to stay on my game—as it is for most people.

You are only human. Please cut yourself some slack. These are hard times: pandemic, civil unrest, election, fires, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes. Anything extra going on in your personal life can tip the scale.

Before you do anything else, contact your employee and apologize for having a bad moment. It doesn’t have to be a big deal—but a little apology can go a long way. Just send an email or a card. I have a small supply of cards that I use for apologies. This could relieve your remorse in the short term.

In the long term, though, it is important to get to the crux of what has put you so off center. I think there are two sides to consider here. One is that your employees are asking too many questions and taking up too much of your time. The other is that you want to be better at compartmentalization so that you are able to leave your irritation at the door.

Your employees. It might be true that you had a bad day, your employee just needed to vent and whine, and it was an isolated incident. I always thought my whole team melted down on my worst days. But it is also possible that your employees are actually annoying and when you are feeling on top of your game you don’t notice it. As a resilient, high energy person, it can be easy to let bad behavior slide off your back. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Your bad days can be the gift that helps you see that maybe you shouldn’t be so easy going. You may actually be tolerating and allowing behaviors that you shouldn’t.

Ask yourself: How have I allowed my employees to become so dependent? What could I do to get them going in the opposite direction?

Perhaps you could invest some time in making sure that each employee knows exactly what their tasks are, and exactly what a good job looks like. It works really well when you have employees set up regular 1×1 meetings with you. The 1×1 is their meeting time with you and they can do whatever they want with it. Make sure they drive the scheduling of it and send you a brief agenda before the meeting. They must understand that this is their time—if they squander it by not preparing, they will have to wait until the next meeting.

If your employees are asking too many questions, it may be because they are looking for certainty. You may want to have a Q & A with the whole team about whatever is uncertain, using a team chat or email.

You. What are “normal circumstances”? What is keeping you from being your happy self? It’s one thing to leave your personal life at the door; it’s another to put it into perspective. If you are pushed so far off center, it is probably one—or a combination—of these three things:

Your needs aren’t being met. You were getting a core need met in your personal life, and something has changed and that need is no longer being met. A core psychological need is one that must be fulfilled for you to feel 100% functional. The current theory on needs is that we all share three: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Additional theories hold that every individual has needs that are specific to them as part of their temperament or their individual makeup. From a coaching standpoint, the more you set up your life to get your needs met, the more energy you have to fling yourself at your goals. Needs can be tricky. It’s hard to notice a need when it is being met, and that’s why people who have mastered getting their needs met seem so even keeled. Your meltdown moment provides an opportunity to examine what need wasn’t getting met leading up to it. You may know exactly what it is, or it may be news to you. If you do identify it as a needs issue, ask yourself how you could get it met in a new way. Ask your friends and loved ones for help. Getting your needs properly met is not really optional; it is something you must do as a prerequisite for being the person you want to be and having the life you want.

You have too many tolerations. You are tolerating entirely too much in your personal life. Ask yourself: What am I putting up with? If each toleration is a marble in your pocket, one or two is easy. Twenty-five is a problem. (You can read about how we allow tolerations to accumulate here). Make a list of everything you are putting up with and figure out what you can fix, delegate to someone else to fix, or shift to make it more tolerable. More detail on how to eliminate tolerations here.

Your self-care is out of whack. Your normal self-care routine has been disrupted. Self-regulation is 100% dependent on our pre-frontal cortex (PFC). This part of your brain is located right behind your forehead, and is the seat of judgment, choice, analytical thinking, strategic thinking, and our ability to inhibit undesirable behaviors. Neuroscientists call the PFC a resource hog. At the very least, it needs you to:

• provide it with a constant supply of glucose from high quality foods;
• stay hydrated;
• allow it to rest and sleep (two different things); and
• do physical exercise.

Now ask yourself: What can I do—even as I get my personal life under control by getting my needs met and eliminating tolerations—to take care of my PFC and thereby enhance my ability to self-regulate at work? Some ideas:

• Take more breaks
• Make sure you are drinking water
• Take a walk around the block when you feel yourself getting irritable
• Bring snacks and plan time for lunch
• Review what has helped you in the past: Meditation? Four deep breaths? Stretching?

Good luck to you. Know that you are in very good company. There is much required of all of us to stay on an even keel these days.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a very matrixed organization. My actual boss works remotely and I seldom interact with him one-on-one, but we have a team lead on every project.

In my work group, we all work on different projects as they come in. One of my peers in another group is causing real problems for me. He never keeps his agreements and tends to hold up every project he is involved with. I’ll call him B.

He agrees to his role and then makes excuses, but no one in charge seems to know or care. It isn’t my job to give B feedback—and I wouldn’t know what to say—but it’s getting to the point that everyone in my group tries to avoid working with whatever group he is in.

I was just invited to be on a really fun and interesting project that I said yes to, but I heard B will be on it. I have a good relationship with that team lead, and I’m thinking of giving him the heads up about the chaos B causes.

What do you think? I hate to tattle, but I also hate knowing what’s going to happen and doing nothing.

Tattler

Dear Tattler,

This sounds like mayhem. The only way the matrix can work is if there is some solid oversight and everyone can be trusted to pull their weight. The fact that you are having this conundrum is an indication of poor leadership—because sometimes if everyone is a leader, no one actually has to step up and take responsibility. There’s a lot to be gained in terms of nimbleness and creativity with matrix organizing principles, but this is a classic example of one the potential downsides.

I understand this doesn’t really help you.

This might: Think about your basic values. What you are reacting to is the general unfairness of the situations caused by B. Unfairness essentially reduces all of us to four-year-olds. It literally affects brain function. It is important to be aware of this so that you don’t do something that is not aligned with your values and that you may regret. You may think that reporting someone’s past bad behaviors to an authority is the right thing to do, but your choice of label for yourself – “tattler”—indicates that you would judge yourself poorly. Frankly, you seem to be judging yourself for even thinking about it.

I sense some real doubts there, which leads me to say: don’t do it. I’m not sure what you would have to gain, but you definitely would have the respect of the team lead to lose. Because, as you well know, nobody likes a tattle tale.

Here’s what you can do. As the assignments are being divvied up, ask the group what the consequences are for slipping on deadlines. Agree as a group how you will behave. Keep your own commitments and acknowledge when others keep theirs. The first time B shows up with an excuse, call out that his lateness is going to slow everyone down and refer back to original agreements of the group. If the group doesn’t step up, then you can talk to the team lead and mention it isn’t the first time you have seen this behavior from B. You don’t have to be mean about it, just truthful and factual. Then it is the team lead’s problem.

Also, I would recommend that you make it a priority to develop a relationship with your actual boss. He is probably so busy that he figures no news is good news and that if you needed him, he’d hear about it. But you don’t want to be in touch only when there is a problem.

In my world view, it is your boss’s job to know his people and make sure they have what they need to succeed—but since that isn’t happening, you need to step up and be on his radar. Get on his calendar and be prepared with a list of all your projects so that he knows who you are and what you’re up to. To the extent possible, research his goals and priorities and ways you might be able to help him. Maybe then, when you really need his influence, he’ll have your back.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Looking for some relief? Recent research confirms that a little proactive self leadership results in significantly less strain (and more energy) at the end of your workday.

See for yourself by giving one—or all three—of these strategies a try.

Ask for Feedback

Tomorrow morning, try a bold start to your day. Ask for feedback from your manager, colleagues, or staff members: “Would you be willing to share one piece of feedback, based on your experience or observation, that you think would help me do my job better today?”

Neuroscience provides evidence that asking for feedback sets up a more responsive brain condition. Requesting feedback delivers the information you need when you need it, but also results in less defensiveness—meaning you are more likely to hear what you need to hear and act on it.

So, when you learn something of value, act on it! Put what you’ve learned to use. Asking for feedback and then acting on it will demonstrate the willingness to learn and grow and the courage to be honest. What’s more, others will see it as a valuable example of proactive behavior.

Identify Solutions to Problems

Ask people what is getting in the way of their being more productive and many will half-jokingly point to their manager, an irritating coworker, or an unreasonable client. Instead of bemoaning your manager who “doesn’t get it,” why not be proactive and sell your solution? Follow these four steps:

1. State the problem or issue in one clear sentence, including the implications for you and others if the situation isn’t improved.
2. Generate three solutions with the pros and cons of each solution. One of the solutions should be the one that you believe will solve the problem based on your experience and insight. But as good as your idea may be, you need to generate two more. Three is the magic number.
3. Identify the decision makers and present to them your three solutions and the pros and cons for each—not revealing which one you think is best.
4. After presenting all three solutions, provide your recommendation for the solution you think is best, along with the rationale for why. Then, seek agreement.

This technique has been proven to create either the change you desire or a valuable learning moment. Either way, you experience less stress and more energy.

Be Proactive

Stop waiting to be given authority. Be proactive.

It’s been said authority is 20 percent given and 80 percent taken. If you have a solution to a nagging problem or an idea for improving efficiency on a particular task or project, don’t let yourself get frustrated by the permission process or the hoops you need to jump through to get things done. Instead, take action. Build a business case for giving you the authority to act.

In taking action you will experience a sense of competence and autonomy—two psychological needs required to thrive at work. And those who give you the authority will also benefit by empowering you to do more so that they can focus on other things that need their attention.

Practice a little self leadership each day to reduce your stress and fatigue.  Ask for feedback, identify solutions, and be proactive starting tomorrow morning. You might find yourself able to devote more time to your health, family and friends, and all those dreams you’d pursue if you only had the energy!

About the Author

Susan Fowler is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies and the coauthor of Blanchard’s new Self Leadership program.  You can learn more about Susan and The Ken Blanchard Companies at http://www.kenblanchard.com

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP of strategy and shareholder value for a billion dollar global conglomerate. I have been working with a coach for the last six months and she has made a huge difference in terms of helping me prioritize, focus, and develop more powerful relationships. Things have been going so well that I am now seriously being considered to replace the CFO when he retires, which will be soon. Also in the running is our comptroller, who is a very bright and very powerful person.

I just found out the coach I am working with has been tapped to also work with this comptroller—essentially my competition. I feel that my secret weapon has been stolen from me and my coach has betrayed me by agreeing to take on the job. I am so mad that I’m thinking of firing my coach—but I really like her and trust her, so I worry that I am being childish. What do you think?

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

You may be being childish, but from a social neuroscience standpoint, when something feels unfair we are all reduced to acting like four-year-olds. So you are not to be blamed, honestly. However, let’s make sure you can experience your feelings, get back to your very rational self, and proceed like the grownup you actually are.

The only thing for you to do is to have a conversation with your coach. Does your coach know you perceive the comptroller as your competition? You will want to know what the coach’s rationale is for her decision to work with both of you. Presumably she is well trained and thoughtful and has given this some thought either way. I do know that for most coaches, the practice of working with both a boss and a direct report is frowned upon as it is very difficult to keep out of the mix. But we often work with peers, many of whom have the same goals for advancement and promotion. It really doesn’t make a difference, though, because coaching is always focused on the person being coached: leveraging their strengths, their needs, what is in their way, etc. We share the just-in-time concepts that are going to support the client at the moment they need it. No decent coach would ever use any knowledge of others they are working with to help another client get the upper hand. The coach will always hold the truth that the only person you are competing with at any given moment is yourself. You can certainly share how you feel with your coach and see what she has to say.

As you have the conversation with your coach, check your gut. Ask yourself, “Do I still trust this person to have my best interests at heart?” If the answer is yes, then carry on with her. If the answer is I don’t know, have one more session with that question top of mind and then decide. If the answer is no, then fire your coach and ask for another one to work with. I am sure your coach is great, but frankly, any trained and certified coach who has been vetted by your company will be totally competent and able to continue where the last coach left off. Who knows, you might find someone even better!

Clients do get attached to their coaches, but here is one thing to keep in mind: The coach is only as good as the client. What clients get attached to, really, is how competent and brilliant they feel with just a teeny bit of good coaching. So the thing for you to know is that the person who is doing so well in this situation is you. Help is useful only to people who know how to ask for it and avail themselves of it. So don’t worry, Betrayed, there are plenty of secret weapons out there because you know how to use them. You have everything at your disposal that you need to compete.

Go get that job, if that is what you really want—with your current coach, a new coach, or no coach at all.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a marketing professional who manages a whole crew of kids—really.  Age-wise, I could be the parent of each of these people. My team is tasked with providing movement and content across all of the social media platforms.   We are very successful at what we do.

Here is my problem: I feel like social media has eaten my brain.  I go on all the different platforms to assess trends, see how our work is showing up (vs. depending on analytics) and get ideas for new strategies. I often find myself getting hijacked where 15 minutes can go by and I am not doing anything useful, just clicking on what I know is click bait. 

I have mentioned this, kind of jokingly, to my team. Everyone laughs because it happens to all of us.  I know we could be much more productive but I have no idea how to manage what feels a lot like an addiction.

Addicted to the Internet

Dear Addicted,

Well, in my efforts to research the effects of the internet on the brain I found out a lot. I also ended up reading several articles about unrelated items and checking out the bathing suits the Kardashian sisters are sporting on their spring trip to Mexico.  It sounds like I am kidding, but I am not.  I actually had to slap my own face and remind myself what the heck I was doing. Guess what? Forty minutes had gone by, which was the entire amount time I had allotted for this post!  So you are playing with fire here—and what a good thing it is that you realize it.

From a neurological standpoint, your brain has a natural tendency to seek out novelty and stimulation.  The internet provides the perfect mix of both. Now add in the irresistible pull of instant gratification—the little bursts of dopamine being released with each new click. Dopamine is the feel-good neurotransmitter and without the activity that produces so much, our brains produce less.  This all happens pretty quickly. Once the loop is created, it is fiendishly hard to break.

Your problem is that you are addicted to something you have to use.  In fact, it is your objective to leverage this exact effect to get eyeballs to your site—so understanding this effect will help you control it.  In most cases we can step away from what we can’t control – gambling, shopping, booze, drugs, gossip.  You don’t actually need those things to live.  But you have to use the internet to do your job.  Your closest parallel is food: you have to eat, so you can’t eliminate food altogether.  But you can eliminate sugar—the most addictive food of all, according to some research.

So here are some ideas along those lines to help yourself and your team manage your forays into the bizarre funhouse quicksand that is the internet:

• The first step in dealing with addiction is admitting your powerlessness. The second step is getting support to deal with it. Discuss the nature of addiction with your whole team.  Encourage each person to talk about the struggles they have and how they manage them.  They will have ideas you can test as a group and improve with experimentation.
• Before you go out into the fray, make a clear list of sites and topics to be covered.  Allot finite time periods to accomplish specific tasks.  Set an alarm and try to beat your time.
• Meditate at least once for 10 minutes at the beginning or in the middle of your work day. Use an app like headspace (https://www.headspace.com) if you can’t do it alone.  It will rest your brain and stop the crazy.
• Insist that everyone on your team print out any can’t-miss articles on paper for others to read. (I know it’s an ecologically unsound practice—use scrap paper and recycle it.)
• Make sure everybody has tasks to do that do not involve being on the internet.
• When weather permits, hold staff meetings while walking outside to get everyone to look out at the horizon—this releases endorphins and changes your brain state.
• For other meetings, make sure everyone’s phones are absent—either put in a basket or left at their desks. Be fierce about this.
• You can’t insist your employees turn off their devices at bedtime, but you can do it for yourself. It will at least give your brain the entire time you are asleep to let its guard down.
• Forbid the use of Candy Crush-type competitive online games during work hours. These are the most egregious and addictive time wasters. I only recently learned players are rewarded for getting friends to join these games.  If you personally play any such games, eliminate them immediately—and if you don’t, don’t start.

Good luck.  You are on the front lines of a phenomenon we don’t fully understand. You are right to take it seriously.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In reviewing research for the redesign of Blanchard’s Self Leadership program, Fowler found compelling evidence that suggests the single most essential ingredient in organizational success is the proactive behavior of individual contributors.

Drawing on research from several recent studies (see references below), Fowler points to individual behaviors that lead to broader organizational success.

• Proactively seeking feedback
• Learning how to sell solutions to problems
• Taking charge to effect change
• Getting needs met for direction and support

The bottom line? Organizations benefit from training their workforce in self leadership skills.

As Fowler shares in the video below, “Leadership is a two-sided coin.” Organizations are best served by investing in not only traditional leadership training for managers but also self leadership training for direct reports. When leaders and direct reports have a shared purpose and a common language, the results are that much more powerful.

What’s the Impact of Having Self Leaders?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q18t_ya_OhA

For more information on the impact self leadership can have on overall organizational success, check out Blanchard’s new white paper, Developing Self Leaders–A Competitive Advantage for Organizations, which looks at the correlations between a self leader’s proactive behaviors, optimal motivational outlooks, and the intentions of employee work passion.

You can download a copy of this white paper at the Blanchard website.

References

Goal Orientation and Work Role Performance: Predicting Adaptive and Proactive Work Role Performance through Self-Leadership Strategies. Marques-Quinterio, P. and Curral, L. A., The Journal of Psychology, 2012.

Serving one another: Are shared and self-leadership keys to service sustainability? Manz, C. et. al., Journal of Organizational Behavior, 2015.

Thinking and Acting in Anticipation: A Review of Research on Proactive Behavior. Wu, C. and Parker, S., Advances in Psychological Science, 2013.

Self-leadership in organizational teams: A multilevel analysis of moderators and mediators. Konradt, U., AndreBen, P., & Ellwart, T., European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology, 2008.

Take control of your brain.

When we aren’t actively focused on something—for example, if we are daydreaming or vaguely replaying our day—our brain goes into default mode—neuroscientists actually call it the default network. Scientists don’t understand this particular phenomenon very well, but I have spent the last few years noticing my own and others’ default patterns or habits.  When driving in the car or walking from one place to another, our default mode is either positive or, more often, negative.

Examples of negative thought patterns are:

• Reviewing your day and lamenting what you could have said instead of what you did say
• Wondering what others think of you
• Reviewing your to-do list even if you have it written down in three places
• Worrying about how long the line at the grocery store is going to be

The best way to stop a habit is to replace it with another one.  If you notice that your default mode tends to be negative, try substituting one of these positive habits:

• Visualize a map pointing out everyone who loves you—and imagine beaming love at them.
• Make a list in your head of everything you are grateful for. Be specific—for example, don’t just list “my health” if it is good; list all the things are great about being healthy: Your brain works well, enabling you to have an interesting job, and your knees work well, allowing you to practice yoga.
• If you find yourself complaining about something, think of what your life would be like without it. For example, if you are annoyed about sitting at a long traffic light, think about the chaos and gridlock that would exist if the light weren’t there!

Your brain is always working.  Help it move in a positive direction that serves you—who you want to be and where you want to go. Just because life moves fast doesn’t mean it can’t be wonderful and meaningful and special. As you plunge headlong into the last month of the year, give positive thought patterns a try!

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly experienced senior manager at an organization that was acquired about eighteen months ago. The larger organization makes a new acquisition about every eight months, with no end in sight. The changes are really hard to keep up with. There seem to be new processes and procedures every day.

I have a wonderful employee—I’ll call him Bob. I like Bob a lot and he has been a dependable producer. His team respects him and he consistently gets the job done with a minimum of fuss.

Recently, though, it’s as if Bob has run out of steam. When I asked him about it, he told me the pace of change here is wearing him down and he is beginning to think he might be happier at a more stable organization.

I am afraid to lose him, but how can I talk him off the ledge when I am kind of feeling the same way?

Trying to Keep Up

Dear Trying to Keep Up,

My first reaction was to laugh and think Good luck finding an organization where change isn’t constant! But seriously, I really understand this. The pace of relentless change can be exhausting.

It is said that many employees leave organizations because no one asked them to stay—so let’s not let that happen.  The first step is to share with Bob how much you understand his feelings and how important you think he is to the success of the organization. Then have the conversation about what it would take for him to stay.

If he insists that the organization would have to stop growing by acquisition—well, that’s probably non-negotiable.  But what is negotiable? Possibly Bob is burnt out and needs to take a vacation—a real one—meaning at least two weeks, maybe even three, with no checking in. Burnout is a real thing. A change of scene and perspective can do wonders.

Maybe the way you manage change could use a tweak. We know from recent neuroscience studies that the brain craves clarity and certainty. There is a ton of research, some of it from The Ken Blanchard Companies, about how to better support people who are dealing with change. Perhaps the two of you could take a class together to get better at it—or at the very least, you could read up and discuss it together.

Here’s the thing. Even if Bob does go somewhere else, he’s probably not going to be able to escape constant change—it is simply a fact of organizational life these days. He seems like a bright guy, so maybe the rate of change isn’t what is really bothering him. You may need to have a different conversation to really get at what the true problem is.

Start by asking the simple question “What’s really bothering you?”

And then keep digging: “What bothers you so much about that?”

“Say more about that.”

You never know what you’ll learn by following this line of questioning, but give it a try. You may actually get to what is really going on—and then you can work out how to proceed.

I hope you figure this out—and I hope you get to keep Bob so that he can help with all the changes to come.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss never gives anyone else any credit. It’s driving us all crazy.

We recently completed an almost impossible job for him with an absurd deadline and very little direction. He didn’t give us any feedback along the way until swooping in at the last minute with all kinds of changes. A couple of my people and I practically pulled an all-nighter to fix the presentation. He casually wandered in the next morning, picked up the materials, and did the presentation to great acclaim.

He didn’t thank us and didn’t even put in a good word for us to his peers. He just basked in the glory. (I know this for fact because I’m friends with someone who was there.)

I took my team out to lunch to celebrate their hard work and success, but it would have meant so much to them, and to me, if he had said something. How can I give him this feedback?

Resentful

Dear Resentful,

This is another variation on the extremely common theme of “my boss is a jerk” that I read on a very regular basis from readers. It sounds as if you are really letting this get to you. You know what they say about resentment: it’s like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. So let’s look at some alternatives to that approach.

• Focus on the positive: It is interesting to me that you don’t mention anything else about your boss such as what other flaws he might have or, for that matter, what his good qualities might be. You sound generally motivated to make him look good (even if this last turn of events has impacted that) so he must be doing something right. Make a list of what your boss does well and be grateful for those things. This will help to reduce your resentment and change your brain chemistry on this topic, which will make it easier to have that difficult conversation with him.
• Manage up: Essentially, this means communicate with your boss. He really needs to know the effect of his recent behavior—because the next time he needs heroics, he isn’t going to get them. So tell him. Request permission to share an observation, and then share your point of view about what happened. Remind him that you and your people want to do a great job for him and that a little acknowledgement goes a long way. Tell him exactly what you told me: how much a word from him would have meant—to all of you. Make sure to keep things neutral, light, and informative.
• Learn from it: I really think we learn more from bad bosses than we do from good ones because they give us such insight into what we don’t want to be or do when we become the boss. So put “always give credit to others” on your list for the future.

Who knows why your boss doesn’t give credit? He might be moving too fast and focused on the next thing. Maybe it just never occurs to him. Hopefully this will change if you give him the feedback. Good luck.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

A long-time employee I really liked and respected recently left for another opportunity. I tried to keep her but couldn’t offer her enough money, so I gave her an excellent reference. The whole team was sad, and off she went with a fond farewell.

Surprisingly, while training her replacement, I was stunned to find an avalanche of work never done, errors concealed, and files in a state of chaos. I always knew she was a little slapdash, but I had no idea about the extent of her disorganization and deceptions.

I am ashamed and embarrassed in front of my employees that I allowed this to happen on my watch. I feel I should have known this was happening—perhaps I could have worked with her to fix the problems. Or perhaps I would have fired her years ago. Somehow she successfully kept me in the dark. I am tempted to call her new employer and rat her out for the phony she is—that’s how mad I am. How can I fix this? —Disappointed and Mad

Dear Disappointed and Mad,

There is really nothing quite like that sudden surprise of the rug being yanked out from under you, is there? One minute you are living in one reality and the next, everything is shifted. There is actually a neurological response when you expect one thing and you get a different, negative outcome. Neurochemicals associated with the flight-or-flight response are released—cortisol and adrenaline—and it feels like a car alarm going off in your brain.

So, let’s take a big step back, give the car alarm a chance to stop blaring in your head, and make a plan.

First, get a handle on your feelings. Shame, regret, and humiliation feel poisonous. Once you get a negative thought looping in your brain, it can be really hard to interrupt the pattern. There are a couple of excellent techniques that have been shown through experiments in social neuroscience to be very effective at loosening the grip of negative emotions.

• Labeling. It’s a misconception that talking about a difficult experience will only rub salt in the wound. This is only true if you ruminate—revisit the events with no tools to transform them for yourself. One way to make over the experience is to articulate how events made you feel and label them. You can do this with a therapist, a sympathetic HR professional, or a friend who is a good listener. You have already started to do it by writing your letter—a good first step. The more detailed you can get and the more specifically you can label how you feel, the less of a sting you will feel over time. You will gain some dominion over your experience instead of feeling like it has power over you. You will turn off the car alarm.
• Distancing techniques. Another tool to diminish the emotional turmoil you are dealing with is to tell yourself—in the third person—the story of the events that happened. Tell it as if it happened to someone else. For example, you might start the story, “I once knew this person who was betrayed by a trusted employee. Here’s what happened. . .” It may sound hokey, but it really works to help you get some perspective.
• Re-appraisal or re-framing. Right now you are taking all the responsibility for this debacle, which is actually kind of great. Many people would place all of the blame on the employee. So in this case, I would encourage you to take your newfound labels and your little bit of distance and use them to look at your situation and see how you might reframe the way you are interpreting events. You might consider how the environment in your workplace culture contributed to the situation. Or what about the part the employee played in the situation—she must have been charming, and a bit of a con. Con women are successful because they are masterful at diverting attention. You are not the first person to be hoodwinked!

These techniques, by the way, are useful for dealing with all kinds of deeply felt negative emotions that are getting in your way.

Once you have some equanimity about what happened, you can figure out what there is to learn from your mistake. I am betting this will never happen to you again. From a management standpoint, you will want to look at the extent to which you have absolute certainty that every single one of your people has the competence and commitment to do all of their tasks. Ken Blanchard always says that when people are starting on new tasks or goals, the manager has to start out giving lots of clear direction and not let up on the attention until there is ample evidence that the employee can be left on their own. It may be worth looking to see where this might be happening elsewhere, not to mention reviewing your performance management practices.

You are going to have to forgive your former employee and yourself. Hyrum Smith, known primarily as a time management guru and inventor for The Franklin Planner, has a wonderful point of view on forgiveness. He says that while most people say you have to forgive and forget, he says you actually have to forgive and remember, and then decide it doesn’t matter anymore. I have found this concept to be extremely useful. Remember, first learn from it. Then, when you are ready, decide it is no longer important.

Finally, under no circumstances should you contact the new employer. You would be breaking way too many HR laws and it’s just not worth it. Revenge is so tempting, but succumbing to it wouldn’t help you grow—it would only add to the list of things you feel ashamed of. The best revenge is to get smarter and stronger.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

(Spoiler alert: the answer is always take it!)

According to Time magazine, in 2013 employed Americans took an average of 16 days of vacation—5 fewer days than in the 1980s. This happened in spite of reams of research supporting the notion that taking vacation is good for your body, your mind, and your soul. Here is more evidence that good things happen when you use those PTO days.

1. You are more likely to be promoted. New research actually shows that, counter-intuitively, people who take their vacation time are the ones who get promoted.
2. Your brain will thank you. When we take vacation, the brain creates new neural pathways and is far more active than during normal routine life. Even if you stay home and do unusual activities, your brain will be refreshed and more alert.
3. Your heart will last longer. The famous Framingham Heart Study, a long-term study that began in 1948 to analyze adult subjects who were at risk of heart disease, revealed that men who didn’t take a vacation for several years were 30 percent more likely to have heart attacks compared with men who did take time off. What’s more, women who took a vacation only once every six years or fewer were almost eight times more likely to develop coronary heart disease or have a heart attack compared with women who vacationed at least twice a year.
4. You will be happier. An interesting study published in Applied Research in Quality of Life shows that the happiness that comes from a vacation is derived primarily from the anticipation and planning of it—as much as six weeks of increased happiness.
5. You will be more fun and more interesting. Okay, I can’t actually find any research to support this claim, but seriously, you know it’s true.

So take some time to plan your getaway, even if it is months out. Start packing a week in advance to relish a new task that involves visualizing yourself at play (in the waves with the kids, dancing on a cruise ship, hiking up a goat trail). Plan your time away, keeping your calendar clear one day before (to tie up loose ends and resolve last minute emergencies) and one day after (to manage the avalanche of email) your time away. Arrange for dependable backup and a good dog sitter, and put an out-of-office message on your email and voicemail. And go. Go do something different from what you do almost every day of your life.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

As Blanchard shares, “The advent of the functional MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) is giving us a peek into the workings of the brain, and the new science of motivation is helping us better understand what engages people. These developments, combined with ongoing research into well-being, are all beginning to converge on a new holistic model for leading others effectively.

“For the past fifty years we have used a left brain/right brain model to explain the way our brains work. While that’s been helpful, functional MRIs have vastly improved our ability to see which parts of the brain light up in different situations. The new focus is on the prefrontal cortex. It is the seat of judgment, emotional regulation, and executive functioning.”

According to Blanchard, the prefrontal cortex is also a “resource hog.” It uses a large share of the body’s glucose and oxygen and is very sensitive to external factors like sleep, diet, and stress.

“Stress causes the release of cortisol and adrenaline, which shuts down the brain’s higher level thinking abilities,” says Blanchard. “People revert to a more basic fight, flight, or freeze mode. That’s not the kind of thinking that leads to innovation, creativity, and collaboration. Instead, leaders want to look at creating safe environments that increase the production of the neurotransmitters that promote feelings of wellbeing, like dopamine and oxytocin. This makes it easier for people to consider new ideas, take risks, relate to others, and perform at their best.” 

ENGAGEMENT AND APPRAISAL

Blanchard will also be sharing new approaches to the problem of stubbornly low employee engagement scores in many organizations—including research his company has done that has garnered academic awards for research excellence and cutting-edge thinking.

“Organizations have become good at measuring levels of engagement, but not at improving those levels. Our research has found that there is a significant correlation between twelve work environment factors and five important employee intentions: the intention to perform at a high level, to apply discretionary effort when needed, to stay with an organization, to endorse it to others, and to work collaboratively as a good organizational citizen. Leaders need to intimately understand these environmental factors, the connection to intentions, and the individual appraisal process if they want to make lasting improvement to employee engagement scores.”

OPTIMAL MOTIVATION

The third area Blanchard will cover in his presentation is the latest research on motivation and the continued shift on discovering intrinsic motivators that tap into the motivation people already have. Blanchard will be highlighting the work of Susan Fowler, a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies, who is the author of Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work … and What Does.

“Susan Fowler has literally written the book on how motivation from external rewards and sanctions impacts six different motivational outlooks,” says Blanchard. “Including how extrinsic motivators lead to one of three suboptimal motivational outlooks, while intrinsic motivators lead to optimal motivation.” 

A CRITICAL JUNCTURE

Blanchard believes the leadership learning and development space is at an important inflection point.

“We are at a critical point in our industry where there are tens of millions of people who are either in, or soon to enter, their first management job. This huge thundering herd of people is moving into leadership at a time when direct reports will be expecting a lot from them. It’s never been more important to take a second look at methods that have worked in the past and combine them with the latest thinking about how to enhance leadership practices for a new generation in the workforce.”

If you are attending this year’s ATD Conference learn more about The Blanchard Companies’ complete schedule of activities. If you are not travelling to this year’s conference, be sure to check out a free online event on May 27 where Blanchard will be sharing key points from his presentation.

So, how does mindfulness make you a better leader? Let me give you an example.

I work with a client who is very intense. She’s heading quickly to the top of her organizational structure and is the heir apparent. She is super busy and rarely sleeps more than five hours a night. A few weeks ago she commented that she was having trouble focusing on so many things at once and has been reacting rather than carefully responding to situations around her. Her edge was slipping. She wanted a way to adjust, change, and retool her leadership capacity. So we explored mindfulness. Here are three things she reported she’s doing that are helping her feel like she’s back on track, and the really great outcome is that her people have noticed the difference.

1. Practice deep breathing. Before a big meeting, a difficult conversation, or a brainstorming session—any time you need to be fully in the moment—take three deep breaths. Dr. Herbert Benson, Fellow at The American Institute of Stress, cites the benefit as increased nitric oxide, positively affecting the parasympathetic nervous system and resulting in muscle relaxation and reduced heart rate. That means an increase in calmness and feelings of well-being.

2. Lessen distractions. Turn away from the computer, go for a walk or have a walking meeting, close your eyes (if you’re virtual). Reducing distractions and getting back to nature have a wide variety of benefits. A study done at Princeton Neuroscience Institute showed that a high rate of visual input reduces the brain’s ability to focus. Your brain actually suppresses activity at a certain point of stimulation. Even better, a study published in 2010 in the Journal of Environmental Psychology showed that spending just 20 minutes outside per day could boost energy levels.

3. Notice when your inner talk goes off topic. We all have an inner voice. Mine sounds like my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Hall, constantly pushing me to do more, get on with things, and stay busy, busy, busy. It’s not about getting rid of the inner chatter. It’s about noticing it and redirecting your thoughts. That’s it. Simply notice; don’t judge.

Good for You—and the People You Work With

Now my client reports that she’s more focused and intentional. She’s less frustrated and more satisfied. A great additional benefit: her people feel more engaged. One direct report said, “You are a role model for me. I always feel like you have time for me and it makes me want to do more.”

Have you explored the benefits of mindfulness yet? Stop now and take those three deep breaths. Go for a walk tonight, share a laugh, hug your dog, and savor that bit of chocolate. You get to choose how to be fully present. It can be as easy as adding a few simple practices to your life.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Because our topic is the well intentioned manager and the mistakes they make, what you aren’t going to hear from me is a lot of ideas on what you could do better. In fact, you are going to hear the exact opposite. Our last post received a very relevant comment:

“I see good managers who are so dedicated they fall out of balance—working too many hours vs. focusing on value. This is damaging to their health, ends up not being sustainable for the business, and sets a poor example to their teams that you have to martyr yourself to be successful in management.”

It’s true. Good managers who care about their people often put themselves last. They work like crazy, take care of people at home, and then the New Year comes along with the pressure to quit sugar, smoking, carbs, TV—or do something else that feels equally impossible. Not this year.

What I am going to suggest is this:

Think of something you have been wanting to do for a while—maybe all year, maybe longer. Then take a PTO day to do something fun: Take a walk on the beach with an old friend. Stay in bed and watch six movies. Cook a fabulous meal for favorite folks. Book a massage and have a full-on spa day.

What do all of these activities have in common? They’re not being done in service to others. They will not improve your vocabulary, lower your cholesterol, or make you smarter or thinner. What they will improve is your quality of life.

I was Skyping with my college student son the other day and he said, “Gotta go, we’re all going ice skating!” We hung up and it took me a minute to recognize what I was feeling. It was envy. I love ice skating and I haven’t touched my skates in—who knows—probably ten years?

And here is the really crazy part: I pass an actual ice skating rink on my way to work every day. But has it occurred to me even once to grab my skates and take a couple of turns? In the noise and mayhem of the next client, the pending deal, the meetings, the kid who needs picking up and, of course, the endless “What’s for dinner?” the answer is no. But now I’m giving it serious thought.

So for 2015, make a resolution to plan, and do, three things that are just for fun—possibly silly, certainly indulgent.

Me? I’m going ice skating. Happy New Year, everyone!

About this new column

Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned is a new Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard, and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here next week to look at another challenge (and possible solution) for this unique group.

Previous posts in this series:

The Top Three Mistakes Good Managers Make

Managing Polarities: A Key Skill for the Well-Intentioned Manager

Let’s focus on five key areas where you can set clear boundaries.

1. Time.  Are you one of those people who works 24/7? What if you set a boundary that you would stop working at 7:00 p.m. every night, or stop doing work on Sundays? Set aside some time for yourself—you may find it liberating. It’s very important to block out this time on your calendar. After all, taking care of yourself is as essential as any other calendar entry—and the less stress you feel, the better you will be able to accomplish all of those other things on your calendar!

2. Sleep. Are you getting enough sleep? Can you think of a boundary you could add to your life that would help you get more sleep? I recently read about something many of us are guilty of doing: having a death grip on our phone or tablet until we go to bed. Studies have shown that light from an electronic screen stimulates our brain into thinking it’s daytime, not time for rest. This can interfere with both our sleep pattern and our quality of sleep. So set a boundary for electronic “lights out” time. What could you do for the last hour before you go to bed that doesn’t involve an electronic screen?

3. Relaxation. When is the last time you fully relaxed? The last time you let your guard down, stopped focusing on the things you were working on, and just took a break? Build one event a week into your schedule where you can relax. Use that time to do whatever relaxes you. Go for a walk in the hills. Go to the library. Get a frozen yogurt. Do something you enjoy that makes you think “for the next few minutes (or hours), I’m just going to relax.” Add a relaxation event to your self-care repertoire once a week.

4. Nutrition. Most of us know what optimal nutrition looks like—but do we operate on those principles on a day-to-day basis? Really? This holiday season, when “goodie” temptation is at its peak, commit to setting a clear boundary around nutrition. We know the more sugar and fat we eat, the more our body has to process, and the less it is able to stay energized so we can do our work and have good times with family and friends. What about adding more fruits and vegetables? Set a boundary that specifies you will eat five servings of fruits or vegetables every day. I remember when my kids were young, at night they would recite the five fruits and vegetables they had eaten that day (and no, Jake, ketchup still doesn’t count). What is a clear boundary you can set for yourself around nutrition?

5. Love. The holidays are about love and being with the ones you love. Have circumstances kept you from being with certain special people during the holidays in years past? Make a point this year to set up a time during the holidays to get together with those loved ones. Maybe it’s extended family, maybe it’s an old friend, or maybe it’s your unconditionally loving dog. Whoever you love, make this year special for yourself and for them—show you care by setting up some clearly defined time together.

Set boundaries to give yourself the gift of time, sleep, relaxation, nutrition, and love during the holidays. Welcome the serenity of self-care—and know that it will ultimately help you take care of others. Have a wonderful and peaceful holiday season.

About the Author

Vicki Halsey is a senior consulting partner and Vice President of Applied Learning for The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Rank your service through the eyes of your customers. How would they respond to this statement:

After an interaction with me, an internal or external customer would say they felt: A) Brilliant, Respected, Alive, Independent, and Noticed; or B) Bored, Rejected, Apathetic, Insecure, and Neglected.

To move responses in a more positive direction, consider using a neuroscience approach.  What would it take to help people feel brilliant, respected, alive, independent, and noticed?  Here are five ways to get started.

Brilliant: To feel brilliant, the pattern-seeking brain takes in millions of bits of information, seeking to connect them with other previous ideas and information. You can help people feel brilliant by making those connections—showing people how to connect what you are sharing to what they already know. For example, if you are selling a software solution, move beyond an early awkwardness with the new technology by sharing similarities to software the customer is already using successfully.  Showcase the skill and brilliance that the customer already has.

Respected: Listening is one of the most powerful strategies you can use to show respect. In many of the classes I facilitate, I use a ten-minute activity called “Being with…,” to show the power of truly listening. I divide the class into pairs and ask one person to speak and the other to listen—but in a very special way.  The speaker uses sentence stems such as, “Something I have been wanting to share with someone is…,” or “Something I am proud of is….” The listener just gets to say, “Thank you,” “Tell me more,” or “I understand.” The amazing outcome is that everyone connects at a powerful level and realizes that in their daily lives they are usually problem solving or speaking instead of really listening.*

Alive: In today’s world, people zoom from one thing to another which often causes them to miss the fun, engagement, and joy of life. You can help rekindle the feeling of being alive for customers by being unique, being a bit vulnerable, or increasing your level of generosity of thought and practices. I was at major department store getting supplies for my college grad in his new apartment. The salesperson went beyond just pointing me to what I wanted and, instead, took a moment to ask who the purchase was for and what was happening with this new transition. Because of this interaction, I felt a renewed energy and focus for the rest of my day. One person has the ability to create a space in which someone else is renewed. You can be that person.

Independent: Building competence in others is another great way to deepen relationships.  Teach people how to use the products they are purchasing.  Show them how to be successful.  Building and reinforcing valued skills in others deepens neural connections.  People love to learn new skills—it leads to increased independence.

Noticed: To connect, you first have to notice. Use customer’s names. Stop and really notice who they are. If face-to- face, look at them. If on the phone, listen to what is not being said as well as what is being said. Remember that each person you interact with has a life journey, experiences, and rich knowledge different from any other person. Find out what is unique about your customers.  Calling it out builds deep, permanent relationships by fulfilling the brain’s craving for relatedness.

Use a BRAIN-based approach

Apply the learnings from neuroscience to your customer service strategies.  Use the BRAIN acronym to remind yourself (and others on your team) about the impact you can have when you help people bring the full capacity of their brain to the experience.  Create connections that allow people to feel Brilliant, Respected, Alive, Independent, and Noticed for who they are and what they have done in their lives.  It’s a great way to create a lasting brain bond with customers.

*To learn more about the listening technique described above, I highly recommend Straight From the Heart by Paul and Layne Cutright

About the author

Vicki Halsey is a senior consulting partner and one of the principal authors—together with Kathy Cuff—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Legendary Service training program.