Dear Madeleine,

I run a commercial retail real estate firm in a big city in the Midwest. We have some seasoned senior brokers, all of whom have done well working with junior brokers, training them while also benefiting from their help.

The model has worked really well, except in the case of one senior broker. He does very well financially, but has developed a reputation in town of not following through. Also, he sometimes fails to show up for meetings with landlords and even prospective renters.

He has gone through several junior brokers in quick succession because he treats them like trash and does not properly share commissions. He was a lot of fun our first ten years in business, but as the business has grown and we have all matured, he seemingly hasn’t grown up.

I am the owner of the business, but other than overseeing legal compliance and providing basic guidelines, I have been hands-off—not really a boss. I have pointed out some of this person’s more extreme behavior to him, but it is getting to the point of no return. Everyone knows everyone in our town, so people know his antics are not a reflection on me or my firm, but it is getting out of hand.

How do I get someone in their mid-40s to stop behaving like a child? I really need him as a senior broker to develop the juniors so that they want to stay and grow. And I need to stop the gossip about his partying and the impression that our entire firm is filled with people who are not serious about their profession. I should mention that he and I are longtime friends. He has been with me since the beginning, which complicates things.

Man-child Mayhem

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Dear Man-child Mayhem,

It can be hard when you outgrow longtime friends—and when they work for you, it can make things downright impossible. I am struggling with finding a way to say what I want to say without offending you, so please forgive me in advance if I miss the mark. Here goes.

You need to face two essential truths:

1. You are the boss.
2. People don’t change until the cost of not changing becomes too high to bear. This applies to both you and Man-child.

Some food for thought based on these two truths:

You may not want to be the boss, but you are. The whole “not really the boss” thing can work as long as everybody behaves themselves, but not so much (as you are currently experiencing) when they don’t. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and that someone is going to be you. Again—you are the boss. The only way you are going to get the Man-child to grow up is to insist on it and enact appropriate consequences if he fails to comply.

There is a chance that he just doesn’t know how to be a grownup. If that is the case, you can give him very clear instructions on what is grownup behavior and what isn’t. And when I say clear, I mean literally put his dos and don’ts in writing so that you can pull up the document when you have to discuss it. Give him a few chances to get used to acting like a grownup at work.

If he does know but just doesn’t care, well, you have a choice. You can choose to tolerate the unacceptable or you can choose to part ways. If you need to part ways, you can certainly share that you hope not to lose the friendship—but you should be ready for that eventuality.

It is up to you. It is your business and your reputation on the line here. Way back when, people in your town were in the know and were able to separate the Man-child from you. But as you grow and he crosses paths with new people, they will absolutely wonder what kind of an operation you are running.

You have grown up—well, almost. You are suffering from the effects of not having completely grown up. Now is time for you to take full responsibility for your business or suffer the consequences. You know what you need from your people and you seem to be getting it from everyone but Man-child. You might consider taking it to the next level by checking out the work of Henry Cloud, an expert on boundaries. His book Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships and Being Ridiculously in Charge might give you just the step-by-step direction you need to step fully into being a real boss.

Look, I hate making anyone comply with anything, so if you are having an allergic reaction to what I am saying, I get it. But part of being a grownup means accepting reality. And reality can be a harsh taskmaster.

Have the hard conversation. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Reward good behavior and do not, I repeat, do not look the other way when Man-child acts like an idiot. Give him a few chances and then—if he cannot or will not raise his standards—pull the plug exactly the way you said you would. Your business is at stake.

I’m sorry. I hope I am wrong about this. If you get a better idea from someone else, please share it with me.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a talent acquisition leader with a midsize tech company. I built my team from scratch in the past year. We are a high performing team that is greatly appreciated by our stakeholders.

Like many companies out there, ours is seeing the impact of inflation and economic downturn. Many organizations are putting a freeze on hiring. This means, as the TA leader, I soon may have to make selective layoffs on my team.

I went through a similar scenario during the pandemic, but it is different this time around. I am feeling emotionally burdened and wondering where to find my resilience. Our company might take the last-person-first approach when deciding who to lay off. Currently there is no underperformer on my team, even though each person is at a different level in their career.

What advice do you have for people leaders having to navigate this layoff time? Is there a framework that could be helpful? It feels too soon after what we went through as an industry during the pandemic.
Thank you.

Leader Finding Resilience

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Dear Leader Finding Resilience,

First, congratulations on building your amazing team. I acknowledge how much it must stink to have to let some of them go, first because it is hot on the heels of your last layoff due to the pandemic and then because it will almost certainly take a toll on your great team, both those who are asked to leave and those who stay. There is no question that everyone will be affected and the careful balance you have achieved will need to be rebuilt. It is a lot.

I have spoken to a few people who have a lot of experience with this (sadly, quite a large community) and have come up with a few ideas for you.

In my initial Googling around I found some potentially useful research: “Developing a framework for responsible downsizing through best fit: the importance of regulatory, procedural, communication and employment responsibilities” by Christopher J. McLachlan. It isn’t a meta study but it does have a solid literature review on the topic of responsible downsizing and, astonishingly, it provides exactly what you asked for: a framework. It hurt my brain a little to digest it, but I think will be worth your while.

The article covers the four areas of responsibility to consider as you think through your plan: regulatory, procedural, communication, and employment. One highlight that stood out, and one of the most critical things to keep in mind, is the importance of procedural, distributive, informational, and interactional justice in the course downsizing:

“… employees and stakeholders are more likely to perceive the process fair if ‘proper’ procedures have been seen to be followed. Heightened perceptions of responsibility amongst employees and stakeholders can be generated if procedural aspects such as selection criteria, transparency and accuracy of information, sufficient compensation policies and employee involvement are seen to be delivered equitably. Subsequently, perceptions of fairness can enhance the motivation and commitment of the post-downsizing workforce.”

You will definitely want to seek guidance from your HR partners to:

1. Formulate the plan according to company procedures and cultural values;
2. Ensure that your people are involved in the process, and
3. Ensure that decision-making criteria are clearly communicated.

As you begin thinking about who stays, who goes, and why, here are a few other things to consider—all from leaders who have recently been through this exact challenge.

• Yes, all of your folks are high performers—as far as you know. If you have not been getting clear feedback from their clients to assess who is demonstrating the most engagement, customer service, and cultural fit, now may be the time to do that. Pick up the phone and call your most active customers to assess their satisfaction level with the service they have been getting.
• First in/ first out is rarely the best way to go. It’s possible that it could work from a procedural fairness standpoint, but it won’t necessarily serve you, your team, or your long-term goals. It might also set a precedent you don’t want when the time comes to rebuild your team to full capacity. I hate to say it, but sometimes the most tenured people with the highest salaries have the lowest amount of flexibility and eagerness to jump in with both feet on new systems and processes, or the willingness to go the extra mile on a Friday afternoon. This is tricky to navigate but it will certainly contribute to every single remaining team member’s desire to stay relevant and add value.
• Consider speaking candidly with each person on the team to assess career goals and dreams. You might have someone who wants to retire and will be okay with going earlier than planned (with a generous severance). Or maybe you have team members who would prefer part-time work, or who would be willing to go part-time for a while as they are busy with a sick family member, or who need to take some time for their own self-care. You’ll never know if a creative compromise could serve both parties until you go looking.

In our company, at the beginning of Covid, every single employee who made over base salary took a 20% salary cut. It was a shared pain for all, but it worked.

• Possibly some of your people might find an opportunity elsewhere in the organization? This is obvious, low-hanging fruit, but an idea anyway.

Ask yourself:

• What skill sets, traits, and attributes are most important to me and to the success of this team? In the end, you want to end up with most capable team. It will depend on your own internal calculations of ROI for each person. This is cold, but true.
• Who are the fast and willing learners who will be better utility players—willing and able to cross train, to widen scope? These will be the ones to keep for the long-term roller coaster. Because it is a solid bet that the turbulence is going to continue.

Once you have formulated your approach and built your communication plan, you will need to be clear and strong. Key points here:

1. Take personal responsibility for all decisions, once made, and stand by them.
2. Don’t waiver. Be brief, kind, and to the point. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into a debate. Just stick to the facts and the next steps. If you need to write out your script, do it.
3. Acknowledge the difficulty, the pain, and the sadness, but don’t dwell on it. Be prepared with tissues if you think they might be needed. I never have them when I need them, so now I keep a stash in my office. Having emotions is just part of being human.

In terms of taking care of yourself, I encourage you to engage in activities that bring you joy. And make sure you get enough rest, proper nutrition, and sleep. Those are the first to go under stress—and, of course, they are what you most need as you face this challenge. Here is an excellent Whitepaper: Building Resilience in Times of Crisis by Melaina Spitzer. It will provide you with more tips and the neuroscience behind them. Ultimately, you will have to step up and do your best with the things you can control and find ways to let go of the things you can’t. The madness and upheaval doesn’t seem to be slowing down, and it is exhausting. Anything you can do to take care of yourself so you can take care of your people will be good.

Thank you for sending in the question and sharing your situation. It is quite common. I hope the conversation will help our readers feel less alone and provide real value.

You are clearly thoughtful and caring. I am confident that you will make the best of these rotten circumstances while building your own resilience and that of your team. That is really all you can do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a team of seasoned, expert professionals in a fast-growing global company. My boss has told me in no uncertain terms that my biggest priority in the next year is to develop my team and groom a successor.

My biggest obstacle is, although every one of my team members is very good at their job, not a single one of them seems to have any idea how to rise above their day-to-day and see the bigger picture. I’ll give you an example of how this shows up.

I recently gave one of my people—I’ll call her Sharna—the opportunity to present to our executive team, which my boss is part of. It didn’t go well. I laid out the requirements for the presentation, which was two weeks away. I gave her clear direction on what the ET would want to hear about and what and how to think about it going in. I offered as much support as I thought she would need.

The meeting was scheduled for a Monday afternoon. She sent me her initial draft the prior Friday afternoon. I gave her feedback over the weekend and she sent me her final deck a couple of hours before go time.

I knew it wasn’t going to meet the ET’s expectations, but it was so close to the meeting that I thought it would do more harm than good (in terms of her confidence) to get her to make changes at that point. I did provide a few comments and she made some last-minute edits, but there were still typos and some repetition. It wasn’t up to standard at all.

My boss was not happy—and he, quite rightly, blamed me. But Sharna is a seasoned professional and an expert in her field. She had delivered much higher quality work in the past, and I had no reason to think I couldn’t trust her. Did I really need to express to her more clearly how important the presentation was? I thought it was glaringly obvious.

This is just one example. I guess I am expecting all of my people to be able to understand things that I see as self-evident. How do I to get them to think more strategically? I have to somehow get them out of the weeds—but I don’t want to turn them into versions of myself.

My People Are in the Weeds

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Dear My People Are in the Weeds,

Oh dear, this is a can of worms. Essentially, the leadership competency you need to build is Developing Others. As Stan Slap has said (I am paraphrasing; he is so witty), most leaders would prefer to go where they need to go by themselves and then send a postcard to their people saying “wish you were here”—because it’s so much work and so time consuming to get people to see your vision and help them walk the path you need them to walk! The problem is you simply can’t do it all yourself, which is what your boss is trying to get you to see. You must shift from doing everything yourself to getting things done with and through others.

If your people could see what you see, they would have your job. It sounds like you might suffer from a condition I, too, have, which is that if something is obvious to me, I assume it is obvious to everyone else. Big mistake.

So you and your people all need to develop some new skills. On top of the 24/7 scrum of day-to-day work, it feels like a lot. Because it is.

For you, this will mean getting crystal clear about your expectations. And don’t stop repeating them until you see evidence that each person not only understands them but also has a plan to figure out how to meet them.

This will require patience and diligence on your part. Expect it to be tedious. You are addressing people who have been successful their entire careers because of their subject matter expertise and their ability to get things done. You are asking them to think differently and step out of their comfort zone, which takes practice. And it is scary for people when they are asked to try new things they know they aren’t good at.

To help them think bigger picture, your people need to understand what the executive leadership team is thinking about, their immediate concerns, the problems they are trying to solve, and the threats they see coming at the organization that are keeping them up at night. If your CEO is not sharing all of that intel regularly, it really is your job to relay anything you know to your team. The more you do that on a regular basis, the more your people will develop the habit of paying attention to how their job connects to the bigger picture. You just cannot expect them to tear their eyeballs away from their day-to-day tasks and look to the horizon unless you are directing their gaze there.

Regarding the presentation, I agree that the lack of thoughtfulness and preparation was clearly not where it needed to be. We all know that there is simply no substitute for preparation and time to iterate and practice. You might just get curious and check in with Sharna with some questions. Something along the lines of: “What happened? I expected more preparation and for you to allow time for iteration and you came in hot. Is there something going on I should know about?”

Is it possible she has an issue with presentation skills? Subject matter expertise is critical, of course, but taking into consideration who is in the audience, what they need to take away from the presentation, and how they prefer to consume information is a whole skill in itself. You might turn her on to the work of Nancy Duarte, who helps people master the art of using data to tell a story and shape information so that it connects to their chosen audience. She has multiple excellent books and workshops.

I hear your concern about not wanting to micromanage people so they simply parrot what you want them to say. I have heard this from many leaders. But here’s the thing: If people knew how to do what you want them to do, they would be doing it. So be specific about what you want, teach them if you have to, and stay alongside them until they can fly solo. They are still going to be themselves and bring their own strengths to the party as they get more comfortable with the task. Don’t worry about turning people into mini-me’s – it won’t happen, I promise.

You are obviously a pro, a high achiever, and a hard worker. You can do this if you think it is important enough.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small group of what we call WMS professionals—Website Marketing Specialists. They all work remotely, and the group has developed into an extremely effective team.

I am very proud of our work; together we have found a way to really add value to sales and to the company. Taken individually, each woman (the team is all female, totally randomly) is delightful, professional, and easy to work with.

My problem is that, together, they fan the flames of their worst instincts, and—there is no other way to say it—they are a group of “mean girls.”  I have gotten several complaints; from other marketing teams, from salespeople, even from our service representatives, who are responsible for serving the contracts when we land them.

On our weekly team calls, the WMS women talk smack about other people in the company. They have nothing nice to say about anyone. As a group, they send out rude emails when colleagues don’t do things the way they think things should be done. Several have been forwarded to me with “WTH” and multiple question marks.

On a recent call with our head of sales—who is my boss—they were goofing around in the chat and paying no attention at all to the presentation. I was amazed—this was their boss’s boss. He mentioned that he noticed it and was put off.  It was just straight up bad behavior that none of these women would tolerate from their children, let alone colleagues.

I don’t want to de-motivate anyone by criticizing, but the reputation of the team is starting to suffer and undermine our excellent work. I need to do something; I just don’t know what. Where would you start?

Mean Girls Running Amok

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Dear Mean Girls Running Amok,

Although the Mean Girl reference made me laugh, I would argue that you have a slightly different problem. A little research on the Mean Girl phenomenon revealed that the term defines the behavior as “relational aggression” or using friendship as weapon. So, if a couple of bullies on the team were terrorizing one of its members, that would technically be a Mean Girl situation. The good news here is that you have a powerful intact team versus a potentially trickier situation, where some of the women on the team are ganging up on other team members. The bad news, of course, is that your team has closed ranks against other teams. I would describe your phenomenon as one where a team has formed such a strong, even tribal bond and feels so great about itself that it sets itself apart, above and beyond other teams and others in the organization. This is the dark side of strong team bonding. You may think I am splitting hairs here, but I believe the distinction is important. Plus, most adult women would object to being called girls, regardless of the context.

You are right not to criticize—the last thing you want is for your team to gang up on you, which is a very real risk.  But you must have the hard conversation—with the whole team. If there is clear ringleader, you might be tempted to start with her. But that could backfire by undermining the cohesion of the group—which you want to continue to maximize. So that means having the conversation with the whole group. For that you will want a model for how to have a challenging conversation, and my favorite one comes from Conversational Capacity by Craig Webber.

Blanchard’s Conversational Capacity program defines conversational capacity as the ability of an individual or a team to engage in open, balanced, non-defensive dialogue about difficult subjects and in challenging circumstances. It is also the sweet spot where innovation happens.

Craig says that to get yourself into the right mindset, you need to find the sweet spot between minimizing behaviors and winning behaviors. Minimizing in your case might sound like: “Hey team, I think we have a pattern that might be hurting us,” while winning might sound like: “Team, you are all behaving badly, and you need to fix it or else.” You are going to want to find that sweet spot between the two that might sound something like: “Team, I have observed some behaviors—and have gotten feedback from others—that some things being done are tarnishing our reputation and undermining our great work. I want to share those with you and think through together what we might do differently.”

You will want to strike a balance between candor and curiosity. You can rely on candor to outline the problem as you see it and the potential negative consequences you all face. Then, you can apply your curiosity to understand the underlying reasons for the damaging behaviors and really hear all points of view on the topic. Craig says we can achieve this balance by:

• Stating our clear position
• Explaining the underlying thinking that informs our position
• Testing our perspective
• Inquiring into the perspective of others. (pg. 78)

Some sample inquiries might be:

• How do you guys see this situation?
• What is your take on this?
• What is your reaction to what I have just laid out?
• Does what you are hearing sound like the way you want to be perceived as a team?

There is a good chance that some members of your team will be appalled and embarrassed, and you will need to be okay with that. You will also need to be okay with the person who minimizes by getting defensive and claiming that people are too sensitive and should get over themselves.

Once you have gotten some input and allowed your team reflect a little, you will have to make an official request for a change in behavior. You may be able to lean on the company values, if they exist. In our company we have a value we call Kenship (I know, isn’t it adorable?), which is defined as: “We value Ken [Blanchard]’s spirit of compassion, humility, and abundance. Kenship describes a sense of connectedness, a commitment to serve others, and a desire to have fun.” We also have the value Trustworthiness, which is described as: “We do the right thing. We are fair and ethical and do what we say we’re going to do.” Values like these make it easy to call out behaviors that are not aligned and help to keep the conversation objective. If your company doesn’t have stated values, now might be the time to craft a team charter, working together to define team values that will serve to guide everyone’s conduct moving forward. You obviously have a lot going for you already, so this could be a great way to develop the team into something even better.

Trashing everyone outside of the team is a way for the team to build connection; it is a habit the group has formed together. It is also a form of unhealthy entertainment. The key will be to help them shape new, good habits to replace the old bad habits, while continuing to nurture their connection.

What you can’t do is nothing. It is up to you to work with your team to repair the damage that has been done and lead them to become a team whose success is celebrated across the whole organization. It sounds like your team members are all fundamentally good and decent people. Once they see their dysfunctional behaviors reflected back to them, they will probably be willing to change. Lead on!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a cofounder of a retail swimsuit company that is really taking off. We were lucky the pandemic hit just as we were about to sign leases on some actual stores, so we really dodged a problem that could have tanked us.

About nine months ago, we hired a full-time marketing person. I will call him Marco. He is very creative, super talented—brilliant, really—and we all love the latest catalogue he put together. The problem, and it has taken me the longest time to figure this out, is that he causes chaos.

We are small team—only 7 full-time employees and lots of contractors. Before Marco, we were a well-oiled machine. Everyone knew their job and did their job. There was almost no actual conflict. Sure, we disagreed about stuff, but we always found a way to work things out. Ever since Marco showed up, on any given day at least one person is mad at me and there is constant confusion about who is doing what, how things are getting done, timelines, etc.

Marco causes chaos by planting little seeds of doubt:

• “Have you talked to X about that timeline? I heard it was shifted back by 30 days.”
• “I thought B had changed the red layout to pink—are you sure we are going with red?”
• “Is that decision final? I thought we were still thinking about that.”

So we are all going in circles all the time, bumping into each other and second-guessing ourselves.

I have tried to talk to Marco about this quirk and he gets really defensive right away. When I bring it up, he immediately goes to “You don’t value my work; I don’t understand what your problem is; you are blaming me for how disorganized you are,” and on and on.

Is it me? Help!

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Is It Me?

No. It’s Marco.

Normally, I would suggest that you try to give Marco very clear feedback or have “the hard conversation”. But I can’t help sharing my first instinct here, which is that you have a Crazymaker in the mix.

Of course I don’t have all the details, but the tipoff is that pre-Marco you had a well-oiled machine, and post-Marco’s arrival you are a bunch of pinballs bumping into each other.

I first learned the term Crazymaker from Julia Cameron in her book The Artists Way, which has become one of my very few ‘bibles’ over the years. The book itself was intended to be a week-by-week to-do manual to help people discover or recover their creativity. Many of Cameron’s ideas have become part of my own personal toolkit and are tools I have shared with clients again and again.

The idea of the Crazymaker is that we all, either occasionally or as a habit, become involved with people who thrive on drama and chaos. As Cameron says, “They are often charismatic, frequently charming, highly inventive, and powerfully persuasive” (pg. 44). And, in the end, “enormously destructive.”

Here is the way they operate. (The headings are Cameron’s, pgs. 46-49, and the added detail is me.)

• Crazymakers break and destroy schedules. The CM is the one who sends you email when you are on vacation—a real “unplugged” vacation that you prepared for, that you arranged for proper backup to protect—that begins “I know you’re on vacation, but…”.The CM is the one who will invariably call after you expressly cordoned off time to get your second vaccine, knowing you might feel poorly. The CM is the one who didn’t prepare the critical presentation for a meeting that now needs to pushed back. They are late, even when they have been told how important timeliness is to you. They simply don’t show, they have car trouble, they ran out of gas, or they forgot.
• Crazymakers expect special treatment. The rules simply do not seem to apply to the CM. They don’t like using the new Teams site, so they still email everything despite an agreement made by all to reduce email. They still text about important details that are better tracked on a spreadsheet, and expect you to keep track of their details. They delete stuff you send them so you have to resend. They hate using the edit function in Google docs so they will do it their way.
• Crazymakers discount your reality. They simply won’t or can’t hear feedback, preferring to believe that their excuse is more relevant than the fact that something happened. “Yes, but…” is one of their favorite sentence stems, when in fact what they should really be saying is, “Wow, I didn’t understand the impact of that, I am sorry, I will pay more attention, thank you for letting me know,”—which is how “Sanemakers” (my made-up word) respond.
• Crazymakers spend your time and money. Budgets are for other people. “I know we said we could only spend $1000, but look how cool this is—I just know the extra $5K will be worth it.” Funny—when it comes to bonus time, they won’t be so willing to stick with the plan.
• Crazymakers triangulate those they deal with. I first experienced the effects of a master CM when I was a cofounder of dotcom startup and was on an extraordinary team of three women. We were joined at the hip and in perfect sync, getting more done in less time than seemed possible. A new person joined our marketing team, and, very shortly thereafter, all three of us were at odds, suspicious of each other, spending precious time looping back trying to regain clarity. Finally, at our daily check-in one night, I pointed out the change in our dynamic and asked that we figure out what was going on. After a moment of silent thought, we all said, pretty much at the same time: “Clarissa.” I went to the head of marketing to see if they were having the same issue. Yup, indeed they were. Clarissa was gone soon after.
• Crazymakers are expert blamers. “It wasn’t me” is the motto of the CM. It is always someone else’s fault, and if it wasn’t somebody else, it was the weather. Or the pandemic. Or the election. Or the dog ate my homework. This was cute in my eight-year-old son, but we really need employees who have outgrown infantile behavior.
• Crazymakers create dramas but seldom where they belong. I have a no drama rule. I like to keep my drama confined to Netflix and to the big life emergencies we can’t avoid. I have always told my teams “nobody dies in coaching services.” It can be easy to get caught up in drama. It can even be fun. Research shows that gossip and novelty cause bursts of dopamine in our brains. Dopamine makes us feel good. It’s what is released with alcohol, chocolate, shopping, or when a notification of a “like” on your latest post pops up. It is addictive. But, like all good things, too much of it is, well—too much.
• Crazymakers hate schedules, except their own. See above.

Finally, and possibly most exasperatingly:

• Crazymakers deny they are Crazymakers. Remember when I said CM’s are charming and persuasive? They are gifted at building intimacy and using your vulnerabilities against you. The closer you get to understanding that they are responsible for the crazy, the more they will try to redirect the attention to someone or something else. When people are simply a pain in the neck, it is easy to see their antics. When they are super talented and add a lot of value, it can be hard to pinpoint the source of the crazy and to calculate the high cost of tolerating it.

If this information resonates with you, I am probably right. If not, go ahead and prepare to have the hard conversation, give the feedback, and make clear requests. Be ready to track accountability to impose consequences for lack of compliance.

If you do have a Crazymaker, you are feeling it in your gut, right now. Honor that knowing and remember that it is up to you to stop the madness. I have never, let me repeat, never, had a client who let go of a Crazymaker and regretted it. Yes, you will have to find someone else. Yes, you may have to go without for a while. But I guarantee you will never look back. And you will now have radar for the profile and will never let another one into your sphere again.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I started a new job as a senior leader for a large manufacturing firm about four months ago—and I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of the disaster I’ve walked into. All I heard about when I first came on was how much everyone loved my predecessor, how smart he was, how much he got done, and how much fun he was. It seemed that he generated incredible results. He sounded like Superman.

The further I got into the details, the more clear it was to me that the results were, indeed, incredible—because they were faked! But get this: he wasn’t fired, he quit. So nobody, including senior leadership, knows about this.

To make matters worse, he was everybody’s best friend. He never set goals with his people, gave feedback, or did performance reviews. He somehow charmed HR into letting him off the hook, but now I am being held accountable and my people aren’t used to anyone actually acting like a boss.

I don’t want to trash this guy—it wouldn’t make me any friends and it just isn’t my thing. But how on earth am I supposed to get things back on track here without making people hate me?

New Guy

Dear New Guy,

The last time I worked with a client in this position, she thought she was alone—but it turned out that the wool hadn’t been pulled over everyone’s eyes. I’ll bet if you diplomatically poke around, you will find the same thing. When the emperor has no clothes, there are always a few people who can see it.

It’s imperative that you come clean with your boss and your HR business partner. You can’t fight this fight alone. You may find out that they know all about it—that your predecessor was, in fact, fired, and they are testing you. That would be messed up, but I’ve seen it happen. However, if the news is all a big surprise to them, you will want to be gentle and stick to the facts. No need to call anyone names or place blame. Just share what you have uncovered as dispassionately and objectively as possible. Either way, you’ll create a few allies and buy yourself a little time to become the model manager.

Then do what you can to figure out what the true past results should have been and share that information upward. Your team doesn’t really need to know, and you might be able to preserve their fond idea of him.

Once you get a sense of the actual results, you can set your goal numbers a little above those—at least for starters. Approach your team by talking about team goals at first. You don’t have to trash the big faker; just talk about yourself. Share that you are goal oriented and a fan of goals and goal setting. Heck, show them this video of Ken Blanchard talking about it. Teach your people how to set goals and make it clear that you expect everyone on the team to have their own. You can also share your experience with giving feedback to help people stay on track.

Make clear that you think it is your job to help the business succeed by helping your people to succeed, and you want nothing more than each person’s success. Be kind. Be fair. Be patient. Go slowly and carefully and you will be okay. Yes, people may still hate you at first, but once they see you truly mean them no harm, they will stop hating you. And just remember, none of it is personal.

Forge ahead, do as well as you can, and stay positive. Everything is going to be okay.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have an employee who hates me. I have been supervising and managing people for 25 years and this has never happened to me before. I’ve been to training classes, attended webinars, read books on managing, and worked hard to hone my leadership skills over the years.

I am generally a likeable person, so I am flummoxed. He was warm and friendly during the job interview. He had the right experience and skills and he started off fine. However, after the three-month probationary period passed, he had a total personality change.

I’ve been told by others that he complains about what a slave driver I am. He sits silently through our regular meetings without contributing. And it’s not just me—he doesn’t seem to like anyone else either. He does his job but is so unpleasant that his peers avoid him.

I know you will say I need to talk to him, but he canceled his last few one-on-one meetings. I’m going to be traveling a lot over the next few months, so I can’t really catch him in person.

With all the craziness going on in the news these days, this whole situation is getting under my skin.

Hate Being Hated
_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hate Being Hated,

I was going to give you some quick and friendly advice until you mentioned workplace violence in the news. That made things very serious, very fast. I think it is a clue to something you may not have told yourself in so many words, which is that you are afraid of this employee.

You must go to HR and talk about this situation right this minute and create a plan for the possibility that you might have to let this person go. I think it is critical here to honor your Spidey sense—you don’t want to overreact, but you do want to take proper precautions in case the day comes that you actually need them.

I asked a group women in my master mind group once what their biggest regrets around work were. To a person, each of them said they regretted not honoring a strong intuition they had because they didn’t want to offend someone. You really don’t want that to happen to you.

And yeah, you need to talk to him. You can catch him in person if you really make the effort. Make it clear that you are setting up a meeting that isn’t optional for him, and go straight at it. Tell him that you have noticed him acting extremely unhappy, that you have heard through the grapevine he feels his workload is too heavy, and that you are very worried.

Ask him what is going on—and then just stop talking. If he refuses to be candid with you and says something like, “Nothing’s wrong; everything’s fine; I don’t know what you’re talking about,” be clear that this is the moment for him to give you the feedback you need to work with him and help him get to a better place. Make sure he understands that you have his best interests at heart and want him to succeed.

If he continues to stonewall, ask him to behave the way he did during his first three months on the job—warm and friendly, eye contact, contributing in meetings, etc. He will either agree to try, or he will refuse. That will give you the information you need to move forward. It is completely fair to have a standard where people working for you are minimally civil, polite, and not overly stressful to work with. If he can’t maintain that standard, he will need to accept help from HR, work with a professional through your EAP, or he will have to go.

Schedule the conversation as soon as you can. Change a trip if you have to. The health of your entire team is at stake here—and if they haven’t already, they will judge you for not dealing with the situation.

This clearly feels personal to you and your emotional response to it is clouding your judgment. Try to remember this isn’t about you. This is about him, your team, and your business—and you must deal with it head on. If there is danger here, letting more time pass will only exacerbate things.

Don’t duck this. Act now. Be brave.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!