Dear Madeleine,

I lead a team of eight employees. One of them is dealing with a personal crisis outside of work and I can see he is struggling. This isn’t the first time I’ve had an employee dealing with crisis, given COVID, but somehow I have managed to get by.

I want to be the compassionate, supportive leader he needs, but I also don’t want to pry too much or blur the lines on our professional relationship. I just don’t have training to be a therapist or counselor and I need clear direction.

Can you help?

Wanting to Up My Game

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Wanting to Up My Game,

The problem with managing humans is that they are—well, humans. Being human is complicated and often hard. No one is immune from accidents, illness, addiction, mental health crises, emergencies, or acts of God (Fire! Floods! Earthquakes! Tornadoes!) that happen to them or a loved one. Most employees will have a spouse/partner, children, and/or aging parents who will inevitably need the kind of attention that will bleed into workdays and cause distraction. On my own team of seven we recently had one person whose husband, a police officer, was shot and killed in the line of duty, one person whose mother was in hospice care, one whose brother-in-law died suddenly, and yet another whose brother was in a tragic accident. And the rest of us all had happy distractions—graduations, engagements, weddings. As you can imagine, getting the work done was chaotic and a team effort.

My experience is that as organizations seek efficiencies, teams get leaner and leaner and there is absolutely no wiggle room. People can’t take vacation time because there is no backup for them. Employees can’t afford to get sick, can’t afford for a child to get sick, and don’t have the time to deal with a parent who has fallen and been rushed to the hospital with a broken elbow. So not only are employees stretched to the max with work commitments, any added personal commitments can feel completely overwhelming.

How, as a manager, do you address this?

The first order of business is to get very familiar with whatever support is available to employees through your EAP. I will admit that I don’t pay any attention to all the emails I get from HR about the amazing benefits available to me and my dependents until I need to. This will be true for most people. So the more you know, the quicker you can direct people to the kinds of support that is probably free for them, and the better.

The next step is to build your relationship with your HR Business Partner (HRBP), if you have one. Again, most of us don’t think about them until we need them, but it is literally their job to help you navigate difficult situations and avoid potential legal traps. In my career as a manager, I have lost two employees to cancer and the cases were totally different. One employee wanted to come to work until she literally couldn’t anymore and another wanted to step out of the job right away. In both cases, our HR team was with me every step of the way to offer clarity on short-term and long-term disability insurance, honoring the wishes of the stricken employee as much as possible, and making sure they were properly taken care of all the while juggling the need for backup resources so the work still got done.

Once you know what your options are in terms of where and how to direct people who could use help, you need a clear guide to diplomacy so you can have the hard conversations. There is a fine line between being empathetic, having compassion for someone, and giving them the space they need to take care of a personal issue—and feeling taken advantage of. Here is an article about Leading with Empathy that sheds some light on how to avoid crossing that line.

In Leadership is An Art, Max de Pree said “The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality.” The last thing you want to do is pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t, so ultimately it will be up to you to gather your courage and take the plunge to address the situation head on. For this, I would direct you to our wonderful Conversational Capacity model that urges finding the sweet spot between candor and curiosity.

You don’t mention in your letter just how much your employee’s “struggling” is affecting his performance, so it is important for you to assess your own needs and needs of your team before you have a conversation. You want to be crystal clear on what you hope to achieve by having the conversation. So—what do you want?

• Do you want to simply extend empathy? Do you want to let your employee know that you have noticed that he is struggling, you can see that he is valiantly trying to cope, and you want him to know you are there for him if he wants to talk?
• Do you hope your employee will get help? And you want him to know about and take advantage of the support available to him? He might be insulted, but the fact is that it is your job as a manager to make sure that employees know and use their benefits.
• Do you need to make a request for your employee to get back on track performance-wise? Hard to do without feeling like a monster, but again, reality is reality.
• Do you think your employee should take time off? Be ready with details on short-term disability options.
• Something else?

The clearer you are about what you want to achieve going into the conversation, the better off you will be. So, in your case you might plan the conversation like this:

Start with Candor

State your position: This is what I am noticing, this is the impact on your work, this is the impact on the team, this is the impact on our ability to meet our deadlines and commitments, and something needs to be done to address the situation. Focus on what’s true with no judgment or blame.

Explain your thinking: Share the evidence you used to arrive at your position and how you have interpreted that evidence. Keep things strictly evidence-based and not personal. There is no reason you can’t say to your employee exactly what you said in your letter: “I want to be the compassionate, supportive leader [you] need, but I also don’t want to pry too much or blur the lines on our professional relationship.”

Follow with Curiosity

Test your perspective: Ask if there is anything you have missed, if you might have a blind spot, or if there is something you should know.

Inquire into the views of others: Ask if there might be another perspective. Encourage your employee to be truthful and candid without sharing anything that doesn’t need to be shared. Invite ideas on how the situation might realistically be addressed. You might say: “I need your help to brainstorm the best path forward so that you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself and I can do what I need to do to take care of the team and meet our deadlines.”

It may be very hard for your employee to face the reality of his situation and to admit his struggling is affecting his performance. It is possible that the hard conversation will help him face the truth and leave him open to considering options. If he seems to feel exposed, is sensitive and thoughtful, and seems unprepared, you will want to be ready to offer him time to think about his options and come back for another conversation. Take it step by step.

I have been teaching coaching skills for almost 30 years to managers in organizations and I have lost count of the times I have heard the statement: “It sounds like you are asking us to be therapists.”

No. Asking managers to be able to have personal conversations with other humans about the human condition, and their human experience in particular, is simply asking them to be human. Just listening to someone does not constitute therapy. You are not required to offer therapeutic services or counseling. You are required to listen, understand, offer any options and available solutions, and craft a reasonable go-forward plan to best meet the needs of all stakeholders.

Just because people experience emotions when talking about what they are going through doesn’t mean you are now a psychologist. It just means they are having emotions. It took me a long time to remember to always have tissues available in my office, but I finally got that memo. Let’s face it, we are asking our people to bring themselves—their whole selves—to work. This is how we get the passion, the innovation, the commitment, and that magical discretionary energy. We can’t then turn around and ask them to leave parts of themselves at home (or these days, in another part of the house).

And just for the record, you managed to “get by” through COVID, so I would argue that you are already doing something right.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your column on an employee who is too emotional. I have a similar problem, with some big differences. I don’t know why everyone says it is women who tend to be too emotional. I have a male colleague who is constantly melting down.

I’m not sure where he got the idea that everything he says or does should be met with 100% enthusiasm and support, but whenever he gets any kind of critique or has an idea that gets turned down, he just loses it. Anytime he is treated as anything less than a total star, his response is anger. And when he gets angry, he refuses to respond to emails and drops any number of balls that others depend on his catching so they can move forward. When I or any of several other team members have brought up this ridiculous behavior to our team lead, she acts as if she’s powerless.

I’ve kind of figured out how to work around him, which sometimes means doing tasks he should be doing. My biggest frustration is that he sits next to me, so I hear about his perceived injustices all day long. I also have to listen to him whining to his wife on the phone. I can’t fathom how she puts up with it.

It is a miracle that I haven’t told him to suck it up and stop griping. I am so sick of it I am actively looking for another job, even though I really like my company, my team, and my job. I would really like to stay but I don’t know how much longer I can keep myself from doing or saying something I regret.

How do I get this guy to grow up and stop acting like a big whiny baby?

Sick to Death of a Colleague

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sick to Death of a Colleague,

As I promised in last week’s response, I wanted to elaborate on the crazy idea that you approach the situation with Big Whiny Baby (BWB) with compassion. To do that, of course, you will have to put aside your judgment and put yourself in his shoes. How? Ask for a conversation and get really curious. You can ask questions like:

• Can you help me understand what triggers you?
• What goes on for you when you get upset?
• When you are upset, would it help you to talk about it or do prefer for us to leave you alone?
• As a team, what can we do to help you manage your frustrations?
• Have you noticed that we all throw out ideas and the ideas get better when we build on them?
• How might you keep from taking everything personally?

…and see what happens. Best case, he’ll be willing to open up to you, which will help you understand him better. A little understanding may help you put his behavior in perspective and may even help him calm down.

If your colleague is willing to talk, just listen and reflect back what you have heard.

• “What I heard you say is….”
• “It sounds like…”

Once you have finished the conversation, you can share that it is upsetting to the team when he gets so distraught—and you all really want to find a way to work together so things can stay on an even keel.

This would be taking the highest possible road, which I always encourage, of course. But it won’t be easy unless you find a way to truly care about BWB as a person.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Engagement expert Heather Younger understands the positive impact a caring leader can have on both individuals and entire organizations. In her latest book, The Art of Caring Leadership: How Leading with Heart Uplifts Teams and Organizations, she shares nine behaviors that leaders need to practice to truly care for their people.

Younger’s research has proven that people who know that their leader truly cares about them and their success will go above and beyond to perform. This leads to increased productivity, customer satisfaction, and employee engagement. Although many leaders believe they are caring leaders, many are not. Employees will judge this for themselves, not based on their leader’s intentions but on their actions—actions that are easily cultivated and put into practice.

Younger interviewed more than 80 leaders to identify the nine daily actions required for someone to become a caring leader. In each chapter she defines one action in detail, offers a tip for putting the action into practice, and includes a personal story from a leader who has implemented their learning. The Art of Caring Leadership is an inspiring guidebook for leaders who wish to immediately start their journey toward becoming a caring leader.

Younger takes an often nebulous, subjective concept and makes it concrete and actionable. Leaders have the power to literally change the lives of those they lead by demonstrating how much they care. They shouldn’t just want to care; they should see the act of caring as imperative to the success of their employees and their organization.

For more information about Heather Younger, go to theartofcaringleadership.com or follow her on LinkedIn.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Heather Younger, listen to the Leaderchat podcast and subscribe today.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a sales EVP in fast growing but incredibly competitive software. The pandemic threw demand into overdrive, which is great, but it means quotas have ballooned as well. Our structure is regional and all of the regional VPs report to me.

My issue is one very whiny VP who is convinced that his team is getting the short end of the stick in terms of leads. He is always crying foul and favoritism at how named accounts and marketing leads are allocated. The current processes and communications were designed by my predecessor, and they seemed perfectly fine and fair to me when I was a VP. They make sense to me, so I just don’t understand the problem.

I would feel more inclined to pay attention if I saw that VP’s team crushing it with the leads that are handed to them. The last big event produced many folks to follow up with and his team didn’t go near about half of them. When I pointed this out, he claimed anyone who wasn’t contacted was with an organization whose headquarters are in someone else’s region and he didn’t want his people developing accounts they would have to turn over to someone else. That just seems lame to me. Even if a relationship does have to be turned over, his salesperson would get credit and a piece of the action.

I want to tell him to suck it up and get on with it, but maybe I am missing something. I was promoted about three months after he was, so we were never peers, and I don’t know him well.

What Am I Missing?

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear What Am I Missing?

Probably not much. I have never seen a sales organization that doesn’t have to manage conflict over the perceived fairness of structures, compensation, and processes. And even if sales is working like a well-oiled machine, it will be at odds with marketing. Then, of course, there is always the delivery organization to blame when things go wrong. I appreciate that you are seeking to understand and that you are aware you might be missing something. It shows self-awareness and the willingness to at least try to see someone else’s point of view, even in the face of your irritation. Not all EVPs of sales are known for their patience or generosity.

This is what relationship counselor John Gottman calls a “perpetual issue,” which means it isn’t a solvable problem. Gottman uses the concept in the context of marriage and partnerships, but I think it translates. It is a permanent situation that needs to be managed with regular communication, patience, generosity, and humor.

Social neuroscience research shows us that certain things cause our brains to go on tilt: being excluded, disappointment of positive expectations, our autonomy being restricted, and unfairness are top contenders. The neurochemical onslaught triggered under certain conditions can make almost everyone feel, if not behave, like a five-year-old. And some people are way more attuned to lack of perceived fairness than others. If you look at your entire group of direct reports, you will be able to pick out the ones who are even more motivated to win if they think they got the short end of the stick, just to prove they can win no matter what.

It sounds like you don’t have much of a relationship with Whiny VP. It might help just to spend a little time getting to know him and getting to the nitty gritty of his complaints. You can tell him you don’t really understand the problem—but you want to and you hope he can help you see it. Listen carefully for what you might be missing, such as things left unsaid or something he is sensitive about that he might not want to say directly. You never know—it might be revealed that there are problems at home or that he is suffering from a health problem. Or perhaps he is trying to direct attention away from performance for another reason.

The key here is to ask Whiny VP what exactly he suggests be done about the situation and his dissatisfaction. Is he just expecting you to fix it for him?

One question to consider: Is he the only one who feels this way? If there are others, perhaps the whole team could brainstorm a better approach. Just because the system worked for a while doesn’t mean it will work forever. Perhaps the changes caused by going into COVID hyperdrive shifted things in ways that aren’t immediately apparent. Big change fast can cause all kinds of subtle shifts that upset equilibrium.

What about other areas of his performance? Is he doing well there? If he is floundering on all fronts, he may not be able to rise to what is expected in the role he was promoted into. I always heard about The Peter Principle—that people are inevitably promoted based on their success to a position in which their skills do not translate, and find themselves floundering—but I never understood it until a few years ago when I saw it in action. It is especially true in sales that people are promoted because they are excellent salespeople, not because they have demonstrated management skills.

Take some time and ask some questions:

• What exactly isn’t working?
• How could it be better?
• If you were me, what would you do?
• Help me to see what you see…
• What is your take on this?
• What else do you think I should know?

You have every right to share your expectation that it is fine to raise concerns or objections—but once they have been examined and either deemed okay or rectified, whining is not allowed. It is also okay for you to point out when other VPs and their teams seem to be able to perform within the same framework.

Get curious. You’ll get more of handle on what is really going on, and then you’ll know how to proceed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Hi Madeleine,

I just got off the phone and immediately realized that I need some help. I spoke to an employee in a way I am ashamed of. I didn’t yell or flip my lid, but I was curt, demanding, and unsympathetic, and I interrupted him several times.

I have some things going on in my life that have me down in the dumps. I’m beginning to get impatient with my employees because they ask so many questions and eat up so much of my time. This is not me. I consider myself a very supportive manager and a happy person under normal circumstances.

I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to leave my personal issues at the door so that I can avoid speaking to my employees in a way I will regret.

Need to Nip it in the Bud

Dear Need to Nip,

Thank you for this beautiful letter. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I hate it when I am not my best self! Of course, it is a 24/7 job to stay on my game—as it is for most people.

You are only human. Please cut yourself some slack. These are hard times: pandemic, civil unrest, election, fires, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes. Anything extra going on in your personal life can tip the scale.

Before you do anything else, contact your employee and apologize for having a bad moment. It doesn’t have to be a big deal—but a little apology can go a long way. Just send an email or a card. I have a small supply of cards that I use for apologies. This could relieve your remorse in the short term.

In the long term, though, it is important to get to the crux of what has put you so off center. I think there are two sides to consider here. One is that your employees are asking too many questions and taking up too much of your time. The other is that you want to be better at compartmentalization so that you are able to leave your irritation at the door.

Your employees. It might be true that you had a bad day, your employee just needed to vent and whine, and it was an isolated incident. I always thought my whole team melted down on my worst days. But it is also possible that your employees are actually annoying and when you are feeling on top of your game you don’t notice it. As a resilient, high energy person, it can be easy to let bad behavior slide off your back. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Your bad days can be the gift that helps you see that maybe you shouldn’t be so easy going. You may actually be tolerating and allowing behaviors that you shouldn’t.

Ask yourself: How have I allowed my employees to become so dependent? What could I do to get them going in the opposite direction?

Perhaps you could invest some time in making sure that each employee knows exactly what their tasks are, and exactly what a good job looks like. It works really well when you have employees set up regular 1×1 meetings with you. The 1×1 is their meeting time with you and they can do whatever they want with it. Make sure they drive the scheduling of it and send you a brief agenda before the meeting. They must understand that this is their time—if they squander it by not preparing, they will have to wait until the next meeting.

If your employees are asking too many questions, it may be because they are looking for certainty. You may want to have a Q & A with the whole team about whatever is uncertain, using a team chat or email.

You. What are “normal circumstances”? What is keeping you from being your happy self? It’s one thing to leave your personal life at the door; it’s another to put it into perspective. If you are pushed so far off center, it is probably one—or a combination—of these three things:

Your needs aren’t being met. You were getting a core need met in your personal life, and something has changed and that need is no longer being met. A core psychological need is one that must be fulfilled for you to feel 100% functional. The current theory on needs is that we all share three: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Additional theories hold that every individual has needs that are specific to them as part of their temperament or their individual makeup. From a coaching standpoint, the more you set up your life to get your needs met, the more energy you have to fling yourself at your goals. Needs can be tricky. It’s hard to notice a need when it is being met, and that’s why people who have mastered getting their needs met seem so even keeled. Your meltdown moment provides an opportunity to examine what need wasn’t getting met leading up to it. You may know exactly what it is, or it may be news to you. If you do identify it as a needs issue, ask yourself how you could get it met in a new way. Ask your friends and loved ones for help. Getting your needs properly met is not really optional; it is something you must do as a prerequisite for being the person you want to be and having the life you want.

You have too many tolerations. You are tolerating entirely too much in your personal life. Ask yourself: What am I putting up with? If each toleration is a marble in your pocket, one or two is easy. Twenty-five is a problem. (You can read about how we allow tolerations to accumulate here). Make a list of everything you are putting up with and figure out what you can fix, delegate to someone else to fix, or shift to make it more tolerable. More detail on how to eliminate tolerations here.

Your self-care is out of whack. Your normal self-care routine has been disrupted. Self-regulation is 100% dependent on our pre-frontal cortex (PFC). This part of your brain is located right behind your forehead, and is the seat of judgment, choice, analytical thinking, strategic thinking, and our ability to inhibit undesirable behaviors. Neuroscientists call the PFC a resource hog. At the very least, it needs you to:

• provide it with a constant supply of glucose from high quality foods;
• stay hydrated;
• allow it to rest and sleep (two different things); and
• do physical exercise.

Now ask yourself: What can I do—even as I get my personal life under control by getting my needs met and eliminating tolerations—to take care of my PFC and thereby enhance my ability to self-regulate at work? Some ideas:

• Take more breaks
• Make sure you are drinking water
• Take a walk around the block when you feel yourself getting irritable
• Bring snacks and plan time for lunch
• Review what has helped you in the past: Meditation? Four deep breaths? Stretching?

Good luck to you. Know that you are in very good company. There is much required of all of us to stay on an even keel these days.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I run operations for a regional (UK/Europe) division of a real estate and relocation company. I have several functions reporting up to me, and right now two of them are at war. All day every day I have emails flying in from both sides, pointing fingers, blaming, asking for the other side to follow the rules, and generally whining.

I am hindered by two things: the affinity I have for the function I used to lead before I was promoted, and a history of having experienced bullying from the other function. It is almost impossible for me not to take sides. I get angry as I find myself getting dragged in while feeling both emotionally involved and ineffective.

There is so much work to do—and the pressure to perform with an increased workload due to new projects brought on by the COVID virus is only half the problem. I can barely think straight.

I am sure there are some logical steps to take and I am hoping you can help.

At War

Dear At War,

This sounds like situation normal to me. There is a lot of guidance and information out there for how to get a team to work together more effectively, but not a whole lot for how to get two separate functions or teams to interface without constant tension. In fact, most organizations are set up in such a way that natural tensions are common—sales vs. marketing, delivery vs. operations, you name it. It’s the Shirts vs. the Skins at work for most people every day. Leaders like you tend to be able to keep the static at a dull roar until extraordinary pressure is applied—and then, well, all hell breaks loose. And who isn’t feeling extraordinary pressure these days?

So, yes, I do have some logic for you. Let’s remember, though, that humans aren’t logical—and when their brains are flooded with adrenaline 24/7 they tend to get less logical. But let’s apply some logic and see if it helps.

First, calm your own fight response. You recognize that you are part of the problem, which is great, and now you need to cut it out. Step back, take some deep breaths, remember that you are the leader, and ask yourself how you can rise above the fray. The best way I know of to do this is to remember that all of the offenders are just people, acting like people, with their own reasons for doing what they are doing. Put yourself in the shoes of the people who are making you furious. How? Talk to them. But not until you are sure you can be curious and ask questions in a non-defensive way. We’ll get to how to do that in a minute.

To prepare, you will need to practice in whatever way you have previously learned to manage your own emotions—exercise, meditation, prayer. If you don’t have a way, now is the time to learn one. I know, it is hard to try something new when you are already overwhelmed, but you must. If nothing else, try taking deep breaths, counting your breaths, counting to 10, turning off your video and going on mute to scream (don’t scare the dog!). Here is another post on this topic that may help. Do whatever it takes—your leadership effectiveness depends on your ability to self-regulate.

Next, reach out and make time to meet with the leaders of the two functions. Prepare some good questions and just listen. When you do speak, start with candor: “I understand there are tensions between your team and another team. I would like to understand your perception of what is going on, and I’m hoping we can find a way to smooth things out.”

Note: You are going to want to get in there and explain your position and try to solve the problem by getting others to see it your way and behave themselves. That never works. So park that impulse.

You must go into conversations ready to deeply empathize with the person’s experience and point of view. You earn the right to advocate for your own position only by fully understanding theirs—and demonstrating that you understand it. It can feel like belaboring the issue to repeat back in your own words what you have heard, but it is an extremely effective way of allowing people to feel heard. And it can change your own thinking to boot.

Then and only then can you share your point of view. Some sentence stems that may help:

“This is how I see things—how is your perception different?”

“I may have a blind spot here, help me to see it.”

“It would be useful if you could help me to improve how I am looking at this.”

“What would our critics think of how we are shaping our approach?”

I am not making this up—it comes from our new Conversational Capacity^® program that I am just crazy about. The whole idea is to find the sweet spot between curiosity and candor. I tend to err on the side of candor and have to work awfully hard to settle into the curiosity portion of the program.

Finally, remember that, like you, everyone is doing the best they can given their level of awareness and their experience. No one wakes up in the morning with the intention to go to work and bully people. (Well, most don’t.) If there really are some nasty, bad apples in the mix, they will be exposed—and it will be up to the functional leaders to address. But the truth will be revealed only through deep and courageous conversations, and you will provide the leadership for making that happen.

This is your moment, At War. Your testing ground. You must rise and you can rise to the occasion. It will probably take everything you have, and it will be worth it.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

“I’m sure you’ve heard the saying People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. And that is so true for anyone who is in a leadership role today,” says Kathy Cuff, senior consulting partner at The Ken Blanchard Companies.

“In our SLII® leadership development class we conduct an exercise where we ask people to reflect back on their best boss. We ask them to identify the attitudes and behaviors that earned that boss the ‘best’ ranking in their eyes. People share many different positive behaviors. To sum it up, best bosses care about each direct report as a person. They see something the person doesn’t see in themselves. That’s especially important today with everything we are facing in our lives.

“Now more than ever, people need to know that their boss cares about them, their development, and their career aspirations. How would they like to grow? Where do they want to direct their energy and their passion?”

As a leader, you can demonstrate caring, compassionate, and empathetic behavior. It begins with asking good questions to learn more about your direct reports as individual people, not just employees.

“A great way to build this into your leadership routine is to set aside 15 to 30 minutes every other week for a one-on-one meeting where your direct report sets the agenda—the meeting is about whatever they want to talk about. It’s an opportunity for managers and direct reports to get to know each other so the relationship can be about more than just the job.”

That’s a big shift compared with what happens in most one-on-ones, says Cuff.

“Most of the time, one-on-ones are just progress reports where the leader checks on how much progress the employee is making toward their goals. How about a meeting that is geared to what the employee wants to talk about? This provides that person with an opportunity to share not just what they’re working on but also what they need and how you, their leader, can help them. They also may want to talk about their family, sports or hobbies, or other things going on in their life.

“Now you’re listening and being present and available on a regular basis—exactly the behaviors that demonstrate you care. And you can share, too. It’s important to remember that people can’t read your caring mind but they can see your caring behavior. The combination of being available, listening, and giving them your time—those are the kind of behaviors that show you care.”

Letting people know you care may be harder than you think, says Cuff—especially when everyone is stressed and pressed for time.

“Leaders may wish to be seen as caring, but when something pressing comes up they have a choice to make. More often than not, the one-on-one will get postponed, rescheduled, or worse—canceled altogether. Obviously, as a manager there will always be situations where you have time constraints or changes to your schedule. But consider the message you send to your team member when you cancel their time.

“Look at the things we are experiencing right now—changing work situations, new policies and procedures, more people working from home—during extraordinary times, making time for your people simply has to be a top priority. If you ignore critical events happening in people’s lives, you’re sending the wrong message.”

However, don’t worry if you’re not perfect or if you don’t have all the answers, says Cuff.

“You might think if you admit to your people you don’t know how to solve every problem, they will see you as weak. That’s not true. When you show your vulnerabilities, rather than thinking less of you, people will actually think more of you. Why? Because they already know you don’t know everything!

“Colleen Barrett, president emeritus of Southwest Airlines, wrote a book with Ken Blanchard called Lead with LUV: A Different Way to Create Real Success. It came out just after the great economic recession we experienced in 2008. One of the messages Colleen shared in that book was that as a leader, people will admire you for your skills, but they will love you for your vulnerability. When you are willing to acknowledge that you don’t have it all together, people will relate to that. And it will give them an opportunity to step in, share their ideas, and make a contribution.

“Leaders need to demonstrate they care by spending time with their people. That’s how you inspire performance. And when people know you care about them, they will do whatever they can to help you.”

You can read about Kathy Cuff here. And to learn more about Blanchard’s SLII® approach to building meaningful connections through authentic conversations, check out the SLII® information page.

With all of the change and disruption in today’s world, leaders are being asked to lead their teams through new situations never navigated in modern history. It can be overwhelming when everyone is looking to you for the answers. Leaders can take a cue from the coaching world on serving people and meeting them exactly where they are. Here are five things that can help you coach in a challenging time.

1. Remember, the person you are coaching is resourceful and innovative. They don’t need to be fixed, but they may need a nudge to mentally reframe their current situation. I recently coached a colleague who was dealing with all the requisite WFH challenges. She had all the tools and resources she needed, but couldn’t see them through the haze of “newness.” She came up with a structure and a plan. Now she’s on track to be highly effective and is feeling much more in control.
2. You don’t have to have all the answers. Yep, this is Coaching 101—and worth remembering. This week, a client came to her coaching session upset over, well, everything. She couldn’t get in to see her dad, who is in assisted living. Her 19-year-old son was insisting on going on spring break out of the country, her husband was now sharing her office, her grocery store was out of toilet paper, and her company was suffering the first round of layoffs in memory. Through coaching, she was able to reframe and reprioritize. She’s now focusing on the positive actions she can take and finding ways to let go of the things she can’t control. For a great book on reframing, check out Judd Hoekstra’s Crunch Time.
3. You need to take care of yourself. Psychological resilience is the ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly. Taking care of yourself may look like finding new ways to exercise, talking to a therapist, sticking to good habits, or just giving yourself a break to have a mini meltdown and then get over it. Make sure you are checking in with yourself and giving yourself the same loving care you give to your team members. One of my colleagues practices meditation. She says it keeps her calm, focused, and yes—resilient. Find the ways that work best for you, and keep at it.
4. You have adapted, and can adapt, to change. Yes things will change. Yes there will be loss and there will be opportunity. “New normal” might look very different in four or six weeks and beyond. The truth is that ALL change, whether rapid or not, will eventually settle. We humans are pretty darned good at adapting. Trust yourself that you will be, too. My 91-year-old dad saw more change in his lifetime than I had ever realized. Before he passed on (a change in itself) he summarized for his kids some of the changes he lived through: The war to end all wars, the invention of television, common use of the telephone (and the mobile phone), desktop computers, hemlines, women in the workplace, hairstyles (although he stuck to his wonderful brush cut), the beginning of equal rights, the Berlin wall coming down, families with more than one car in the driveway, putting a man on the moon, the Great Depression and the world recovery that followed, fast food, the five-dollar cup of coffee, and a whole host of other things. He said the only thing that hadn’t changed was that old guys like him still wore suspenders. My dad didn’t like change, but he could sure adapt!
5. It’s all going to be okay. Whether you call it faith, self-determinism, hope, or belief in humankind, the label doesn’t matter as much as what does: we are all going to be okay. Find this belief in yourself. Share it. Spread it. Contribute to it. Take a deep breath, then six more. Keep breathing. We ARE all in this together. And together we will move into a post-Covid-19 world.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Constant change is a way of life in organizations today. How do managers and leaders cope with the barrage of changes that confront them daily as they attempt to keep their organizations adaptive and viable?

Leaders often feel trapped in a lose-lose situation when they try to launch a change effort. On one hand, they risk unleashing all kinds of pent-up negative feels in people. On the other hand, if they don’t drive change, their organizations will be displaced by those that are committed to innovation.

To lead a successful change, leaders must listen in on the conversations in the organization and surface and resolve people’s concerns about the change.

Five Change Leadership Strategies

The following five change leadership strategies and their outcomes describe an effective process for leading change.

Strategy 1: Expand Involvement and Influence
(Outcome: Buy-In) By involving people in decision making about the change, leaders significantly increase the probability that the change will be successfully implemented. People are less likely to resist the change when they have been involved in creating the change.

Strategy 2: Explain Why the Change Is Needed
(Outcome: Compelling Case for Change) This strategy addresses information concerns. When leaders present and explain a rational reason for the change, the outcome is a compelling case that helps people understand the change being proposed, the rationale for the change, and the reason the status quo is no longer a viable option.

Strategy 3: Collaborate on Implementation
(Outcome: The Right Resources and Infrastructure) When leaders engage others in planning and piloting the change, they encourage collaboration in identifying the right resources and building the infrastructure needed to support the change.

Strategy 4: Make the Change Sustainable
(Outcome: Sustainable Results) Rather than simply announcing the change, leaders must make the change sustainable by providing people with the new skills, tools, and resources required to support the change. By modeling the behavior they expect of others, measuring performance, and praising progress, leaders create conditions for accountability and good results.

Strategy 5: Explore Possibilities
(Outcome: Options)Possibilities and options should be explored before a specific change is decided upon. By involving others in exploring possibilities, you immediately lower information concerns when a new change is announced, because people are “in the loop” about deciding what needs to change.

To summarize, here’s a good rule of thumb:

Organizations should spend ten times more energy reinforcing the change they just made than looking for the next great change to try.

Use these strategies to lead change in a way that leverages everyone’s creativity and commitment.

Want to learn more about a people-centered approach to change and leadership? Download a free 60-page summary of Leading at a Higher Level. It’s available for free on The Ken Blanchard Companies’ website and it contains the best thinking from the founding associates and consulting partners of our company. Use this link to access the summary.

As if the job of managing people in the workplace isn’t difficult enough, add in the recurring need to coach them through challenges and issues.

The skill of coaching others is not one that comes naturally to most of us; in fact, during my experience coaching within organizations, I’ve found leaders who are downright plagued by the idea of coaching! Here are a few typical comments I’ve heard:

• “I’m uncomfortable coaching others. I don’t know what to say.”
• “What kind of questions should I ask?”
• “How should I get a coaching conversation started?”
• “I always want to solve the problem right away.”

Although the idea of adding coaching to your leadership skill set may seem daunting, it’s a competence most leaders can learn and master. The art of coaching involves the use of the following tools:

• Active listening: listening with the intent of learning more
• Asking open-ended questions to help uncover the issue
• Starting questions with words or phrases such as how, when, if, what, tell me more, or what else
• Being mindful that coaching is about leading the coachee to their own conclusions, not giving them answers
• Getting curious
• Honoring personal intuition

The last tool, personal intuition, is a powerful coaching skill but you must nurture it to keep it at peak efficiency. It is similar to flexing and strengthening a muscle—when it is underused, it is hard to access maximum performance.

Years ago, as my coaching abilities began to grow, I became aware of my intuitive skills. I started to experiment with sharing intuitive thoughts with clients during coaching sessions. During my coaching training, this was known as throwing spaghetti against the wall to see if it would stick. When I would experience an intuitive thought or nudge about what might be going on with a client, I would say something like “I have a thought about this. Would it be okay if I share it with you?” Most of my intuitive pings had to do with people stepping into a new leadership role, feeling fearful, lacking confidence, or being in denial. After I would express my thought, clients would often say “How did you know that about me?”

The concept of tapping into your intuition may seem simple, but for me, it was powerful. It gave me joy to know that my gut reactions could change the coaching conversation by uncovering vulnerabilities or blind spots. I believe utilizing personal intuition can be a valuable asset for coaching in the workplace setting.

Imagine that as you listen to your coachee, you sense that something is unsaid. It’s as if you can hear a note that is out of tune. You might say “Something doesn’t sound quite right here. Help me out if I’m getting this wrong, but it feels like you may be holding back something important. What’s your sense of this?” (You are trying to see if the spaghetti sticks!)

The person you are helping may be holding something back intentionally or they may not realize they are holding back. That’s why it’s important to check in, get curious, and ask the question.

• I have a sense…
• May I tell you about a gut feeling I have?
• I have a hunch that…
• See how this lands with you.
• My intuition tells me…
• Can I check something out with you?
• I am curious about…

Curiosity is essential for effective coaching. In her book Dare To Lead, Brené Brown introduces the concept of the knower in all of us and contrasts it with the concept of curiosity:

“The knower in us (our ego) races to beat everyone with an answer that may or may not address the real issues, or thinks: I don’t want to talk about this because I’m not sure how it’s going to go or how people are going to react. I might not say the right thing or have the right answers.

“Curiosity says, No worries. I love a wild ride. I’m up for wherever this goes. And I’m in for however long it takes to get to the heart of the problem. I don’t have to know the answers or say the right thing, I just have to keep listening and keep questioning.”

When coaching others, the skills of listening, questioning, and paying attention to intuitive thoughts are key to a successful outcome. Achieving mastery of these skills is worth the practice it takes.

Leaders who are great coaches are catalysts for positive change in others. They are courageous because they know how important it is to say what others cannot.

About the Author

Patricia Sauer is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world.

Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

For many years I reported to the same manager. He was very supportive and made time frequently to meet in person, one-on-one, to discuss both my ongoing work and my development. Then something changed. My manager became very distracted. The source of this distraction? His new smartphone.

Every time it buzzed or beeped, he would stop focusing on our conversation and grab the phone to explore the source—a new Facebook post, an email, a text, etc. Pretty soon I found myself not really wanting to get together with him. And I wasn’t the only one—my boss’s other direct reports were feeling the same way.

Actor Emilio Estevez is quoted as saying “We have all these devices that keep us connected, and yet we’re more disconnected than ever before.” I agree.

The distracted, disjointed experience I had with my boss has become a daily occurrence for millions of people, both on the job and in their private lives. Overuse of cell phones has become an actual addiction. I wonder if the inventors of the smartphone or social media platforms could have ever imagined the harmful potential of their device or service. I also wonder—often aloud: Does the fact that we can stare at our phones 24/7 mean we should?

So how might we move differently going forward?

• Be aware. The first step is awareness. Over the next couple of days, chart how many times and how much time you spend interacting with your device. (Ironically, there are apps that will do this for you.) Make a note of the specific triggers that prompt your use.

• Ask: Can it wait? When you reach to check your phone, ask yourself: Is this really important or can it wait? Chances are, it can wait.

• Take face to face literally. Make in-person meetings sacred. Keep your phone off the table and on silent mode. Anything else you are doing needs to take a back seat.

For many people, these behaviors will be challenging. So be kind to yourself—two steps forward, one step back. The key is to alter your behavior by keeping the goal of less time on your device top of mind.

I heard someone say we all need a retreat from our electronic gadgets. Now you know what I think about that statement. What do you think?

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a business for a global company. I am very bright and hardworking, have risen fast, and continue to rise. I will probably end up being a senior leader for the company someday—if not here, then in another area.

My problem: I am a jerk. I have heard others describe me as such when they thought I wasn’t around. This isn’t news to me; I know I have a real problem connecting with others. People usually fail to live up to my expectations. In fact, my direct reports disappoint me regularly—so do my peers—and I make no bones about how I feel. I also have a hard time staying present in meetings because I am so busy matching what I think should be happening with what is actually happening.

I have read up on authenticity—but seriously, if I were to be truly authentic, I would be run out of town. Trying not to be nasty takes virtually all of my self-control.

How can I stop being so judgmental? How can I lighten up and be more present? How can I be nicer?

Rhymes with Witch

____________________________________________________________

Dear Rhymes with Witch,

Wow. It sounds like it’s hard to be you right now. But here’s the good news: you are aware that you have a problem, which is half the battle. You possess valuable self-awareness and apparently have also developed some handy self-control. These are excellent prerequisites for change.

The next step is to get some clarity on why it is so important for you to be less judgmental, more present, and more kind. I use kind instead of nice because I believe there is a distinction. Here is an excerpt from Owen Fitzpatrick’s blog:

Being nice is when you are polite to people and treat people well. Being kind is when you care about people and show you care. Sometimes you can be kind to someone even though you aren’t nice to them—and you can certainly be nice to someone but also be unkind.

Here’s why the distinction between kind and nice is significant: Niceness is all fine and well, but it is superficial. It only requires a change in your behavior. You can Google “How to be nicer” and about a million good ideas will pop up for you. (I know this because I just did it.)

Kindness, though, has more depth, will help you go the distance, and will require a change in your character. If you are really signed up for the job of changing your character, you must first establish what makes it such a critical goal. Because it is hard work, my friend—worth it, but hard.

So what is the point for you? You are a superstar who could probably get away with being awful for the rest of your career. There is quite a bit of research that proves cleaning up your act would help ensure your rise to the top; but there are also plenty of rotten meanies at the top, everywhere.

In your case, your motivation may lie in how exhausted you get trying to control yourself and how hard it is to stay present as you indulge in your “judgy” ways. Or is it possible that it might actually bother you that people call you names when you aren’t around? If that happened to me, I would be crying in the ladies’ room. How did you feel when it happened to you? Either way, in order to change, you will need to hook into your motivation.

Once you have done that, you will really need to get help. You are striving for something hard and you will need a lot of support. Don’t ignore this part. You have come this far on your innate gifts, which has been relatively easy for you—if you had struggled mightily to overcome your shortcomings in the past, you probably wouldn’t be so judgmental. So do not try to go on this journey alone.

• Work with a therapist to get to the bottom of what may have shaped your meanie habits. Possibly you were judged harshly in your family of origin? There could be some value in going back to explore what got you here.
• Hire a coach to help you sift through all of the possible ways you could be more present and more kind, and to support you in finding a few methods that work for you.
• Discuss the whole thing with a friend who has your trust and respect.
• Look around for someone at work who might mentor you on this journey—someone who matches you in IQ, work ethic, and high standards, but who is warm and well liked.

It wouldn’t be overkill if you tried all of the above.

Once you get your support system set up, you might consider learning how to meditate or practice mindfulness to quiet your busy monkey brain. Think about small ways to manage yourself more effectively by building some new habits. But now I’m jumping the gun.

Begin by discovering what is so important about your becoming a better person. That will help you formulate the first step of how you are going to do it. This journey will humble you and it will be painful. You will get the stuffing beaten out of you as you walk this road, which will help you be more compassionate and empathetic toward others—and that’s the actual point, is it not?

I’m impressed you have come this far, RWW. Now comes the really hard part. Apply that formidable intellect and that implacable will, get a lot of help, and you might just make it.

You will need good luck, too, but I find that fortune favors the brave and those who genuinely want to be better.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve been a manager for over twenty years and I am facing a situation I just can’t handle. I have an employee—my hire—who has always been great, done great work, learned fast, had a positive attitude, and worked well with everyone. A cheery ray of sunshine on the team.

About six months ago, she started missing meetings with no explanation, calling in sick, and turning in work with errors. This coincided with her getting married. She got back from her honeymoon and just started melting down.

I have given her feedback on her work and have taken her to task for missing deadlines and meetings. When I do this, she just starts to cry. We have had several one on ones where I’ve asked her how she is doing. She is not willing or able to tell me what the heck is going on.

This situation is dragging down the whole team. Speculation about what is going on—including that her new husband is abusive—has become a full-time sport around here. Everyone is worried about her and looking at me to somehow come to her rescue. Please don’t tell me to go to HR—we are a small business and we don’t really have HR; it’s just me.

I’m going to have to let her go if she doesn’t turn things around. What should I do?

Worried

Dear Worried,

You sound kind. It is awful to watch people slide into the pit of despair. But here’s the thing: you can’t save people. And you really can’t save people who don’t want to be saved.

What you can do is continue to give feedback, be kind, and tell the truth. At this point, though, the truth might be something like “you will need to get it together or I will have to let you go. I am here to help you in any way I can, but I can’t help you if you don’t ask for help.”

That’s about it, Worried. It stinks. I know you hate it. I hate it, too. But I have made almost every mistake that can be made trying to save people, so I know this is true.

I’m sorry.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

For most, if not all organizations, their employees are their number one asset. This makes the wellbeing, the engagement of employees very important. Why?  Because engaged employees are passionate about their work.  They strive to provide superior customer service, solve problems, and find innovative approaches. 

A great way to generate a significant positive affect on employee engagement is through individualized attention and one way to get started is through coaching.

Every employee in an organization is different.  Coaching is a wonderful way to give employees individualized, customized attention.  Coaching is uniquely tailored for the person being coached. A coach works with an individual to understand what make them tick—to understand the employee’s own strengths and work passion.  Coaching helps to draw out employees’ ideas and opinions and helps employees to discover how to best make their own contribution.  It makes employees feel valued and appreciated.  All this attention gets employees to engage more in their own career.

Is engagement an issue in your organization? Consider some of these ways a coach provides individualized attention to those they serve.

A coach:

• Takes the time to build rapport with those they coach to get a sense of who they are, not just what they do. Great rapport often increases employees’ motivation to work hard in their role and on the goals of the organization.
• Values employees’ contributions and cares about their professional success.  This in turn often empowers them to take more ownership of their own continued development.
• Cares about the individual, working with them to understand their strengths and foster greater development. 
• Checks in with those they coach to see what is working, what isn’t, and what might the employee do different in the future.

Coaching gets clients to engage more in their role, their development, and the goals of the organization. When employees receive coaching, they feel positively supported and valued by their organization which in turn generates and builds more engagement. 

Engagement has been shown to increase retention, innovation, and performance, and as a byproduct, revenue.  What organization wouldn’t welcome that?

When people feel that their manager cares about their development their commitment and energy increases. This leads to growth, increases their confidence, and helps them to reach their full potential. Use a coach approach to individualize attention, either by hiring outside coaching or developing those capabilities in-house. Individualized attention pays off for the individual and the organization.

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

My problem is that my people—not all of them, but enough—are extremely needy. They come to talk to me and they take up hours of my time.

They talk about their kids, their lives, and their problems and seem to expect that I’m fine with listening to all of this.

I’m not. I mean, I do care about them as people, but the thing I really care about is their work, and that they do it well.

Am I a monster? How do I get people to shut up and get on with it?

Tired of Listening

Dear Tired of Listening,

You sound kind of tough, but you probably aren’t a monster. You are almost definitely a very specific kind of temperament, and it would serve you well to understand personality types and essential motivators. I am a big fan of the work of Linda Berens and you can get a primer on the topic here. There are lots of different personality types and they all require a different kind of connection.

It is my experience though, that regardless of temperament, most people have a deep need to be seen and heard—maybe not you, but most people. Your people want you to know who they are and they want you to care about them. You claim that you don’t care, but since they continue to come to you, you must be faking it pretty well.

My assessment is this: you have the instinct that it is important to spend time with your people and listen to them, which is correct—but you haven’t figured out how to draw boundaries that will limit the amount of your time people take. So it’s time to set some boundaries.

Tell your people that from now on, everyone gets a specific amount of one-on-one time. Some managers have so many direct reports that they can only spend 15 minutes a week with each person, but the ideal is 30 minutes, and an hour is even better. Tell them that their one-on-one time is their time. They should prepare the agenda and they should use their time to bring you up to speed, get the direction they need from you on their work, and plan future projects. Let people know they are invited to share about their personal lives, but they need to fit it all into their one-on-one time. They will get the message loud and clear, and you will have tight boundaries around your time.

Your people clearly crave personal connection with you, and they obviously trust you enough to seek your ear. You can give them what they need and also take care of your own desire to get on with it. Keep working on the amount of time until you reach a comfortable balance. With the right balance, you will find it easier to access the part of you that actually does care—which will meet your needs as well as theirs.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Left to my own natural tendencies, I’m part of the second group. When I’m chatting with a coworker or hanging out by the proverbial water cooler, after about five minutes I get the itch to get back to my “real” work.

But over the years I’ve recognized that in most cases, the most successful leaders are the ones who are all about building connections.

Several years ago, I spent a week working at our local sports arena during the Davis Cup tennis tournament. We were told parking at the arena would be limited, so I carpooled with a coworker named Dan. Turns out Dan had once worked at the arena and still knew a lot of the staff.

The first two days of work were spent preparing for the main event. Dan was able to park in front in a VIP section. Every day when we got there, Dan would stop and chat with different parking attendants about their work and life. Dan had obtained several Davis Cup commemorative pins that were very sought after, and he made sure to give a pin to each of the attendants he talked with. I noticed what Dan was doing but could only think about how I wanted to get inside and start working.

On the third day, the crowds increased and the parking lot was quite full. As Dan drove into the VIP section, a parking attendant he didn’t know told him he didn’t have the right credentials to park there. Another attendant immediately ran up to tell the first attendant it was okay. We parked in the VIP section each day for the rest of the tournament.

I never got the impression that Dan was chatting with the attendants and giving them the pins only to secure VIP parking. To me, this story is a concrete example of the power of connection.

Think you could use a little more connection in your life?  Here are three ways to get started:

1. See building connections as a valuable part of your job. I mentioned to one very successful senior leader I coached that it sounded like she spent half her time building relationships.  She agreed, but then said it really should be 90 percent of her time!
2. Regularly get up and away from your computer or other electronic devices. Go hang out by the coffee cart, invite someone to walk with you to the vending machines, drop by to say hi to a colleague, or—for the very brave—schedule some lunches. Although initiating contact might not feel natural, most people find it to be a pleasant experience.
3. Listen more than you talk. I don’t think it’s an accident that many people who don’t regularly connect happen to be introverted—maybe even shy.  The reality is that building connections often means listening to those you are connecting with.  If you are a generally shy person, think up a couple of questions you can ask, if you need to, to start a conversation.  Ask a question such as ”How was your weekend?” or “Did you see the big game?”  And then just listen.

With a little practice, you can learn to be a master at connecting, too!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

A total of twelve characteristics were identified, five of which were agreed upon by all of the scholars polled. These five most prominent servant leadership characteristics were:

1. Valuing People. Servant leaders value people for who they are, not just for what they give to the organization. Servant leaders are committed first and foremost to people—particularly, their followers.
2. Humility. Servant leaders do not promote themselves; they put other people first. They are actually humble, not humble as an act. Servant leaders know leadership is not all about them—things are accomplished through others.
3. Listening. Servant leaders listen receptively and nonjudgmentally. They are willing to listen because they truly want to learn from other people—and to understand the people they serve, they must listen deeply. Servant leaders seek first to understand, and then to be understood. This discernment enables the servant leader to know when their service is needed.
4. Trust. Servant leaders give trust to others. They willingly take this risk for the people they serve. Servant leaders are trusted because they are authentic and dependable.
5. Caring. Servant leaders have people and purpose in their heart. They display a kindness and concern for others. As the term servant leadership implies, servant leaders are here to serve, not to be served. Servant leaders truly care for the people they serve.

To a large degree, these findings mimic the results of polling that The Ken Blanchard Companies conducted with 130 leadership, learning, and talent development professionals who attended a series of servant leadership executive briefings in cities across North America in 2018. Topping the list was empathy, closely followed by selflessness and humility. Also mentioned multiple times were being authentic, caring, collaborative, compassionate, honest, open-minded, patient, and self-aware.

Both lists can serve as good starting points for HR and L&D executives looking to bring an others-focused culture into their organizations. What’s been your experience?  Feel free to enter additional characteristics of a servant leader in the comments section below.

Interested in learning more about bringing servant leadership principles into your organization? Join us for a free webinar on November 15!

Dr. Vicki Halsey, vice president of applied learning for The Ken Blanchard Companies and author of Brilliance By Design, will conduct a presentation for leadership, learning, and talent development professionals on 3 Keys to Building a Servant Leadership Curriculum.

In this enlightening webinar, Dr. Halsey will connect servant leadership characteristics to competencies and share best practices on how to design a comprehensive curriculum for your organization. You can learn more here. The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

“Are you here to serve or to be served?”

Ken believes the way you answer that question determines how you approach leading others.

If you’re here to be served, you think leadership is all about you. You expect people to follow and obey, you don’t see any need for feedback or discussion, and you believe it’s your job to keep people accountable.

But if you’re here to serve, you take the time to listen, you invest in developing people, you seek out others’ opinions, and you enjoy catching people doing things right and cheering them on.

When Ken asks that question, almost everyone responds that they want to be seen as a serving leader. But what specific characteristics do servant leaders demonstrate to demonstrate this mindset?

In a series of executive briefings held in Houston, Ft. Lauderdale, and New York, we asked 130 leadership, learning, and talent development professionals to identify the attitudes, skills, and behaviors of a servant leader. We researched the answers and identified more than sixty attributes.

Wondering what personal qualities people look for when they think about servant leadership? Topping the list was empathy, closely followed by selflessness and humility. Also mentioned multiple times were being authentic, caring, collaborative, compassionate, honest, open-minded, patient, and self-aware.

Would people see you as a serving leader or a self-serving leader? Score yourself on each of these eleven servant leader attributes by answering yes, no, or somewhat, based on what you think people might say.

1. My people would say I am empathetic.
2. My people would say I am selfless.
3. My people would say I am humble.
4. My people would say I am authentic.
5. My people would say I am caring.
6. My people would say I am collaborative.
7. My people would say I am compassionate.
8. My people would say I am honest.
9. My people would say I am open-minded.
10. My people would say I am patient.
11. My people would say I am self-aware.

How did you do? Don’t feel bad if you can’t give yourself a perfect score. Most people—even those considered very good leaders—fall short in at least a couple of these areas.

Looking for a way to improve? You can start with becoming proficient at what our professionals see as the top three skills of a servant leader:

1. Become a better listener.
2. Ask, instead of tell.
3. Focus on developing people.

One thing all of these behaviors have in common is your willingness to set aside your own agenda and focus instead on what’s happening in the lives of people who report to you. Centering less on your needs and more on the needs of others will help you build the additional strengths that make people want to follow you.

Servant leadership is a better way to lead—and one that leads to higher levels of engagement, performance, and human satisfaction.

Interested in exploring servant leadership at an organizational level? Don’t miss two great opportunities coming up from The Ken Blanchard Companies!

Join Ken Blanchard for a free webinar on September 12! Ken will present on the topic Servant Leadership: 4 Keys to Leading at a Higher Level. Learn more here. (Over 1,500 people are registered but still room for others—up to 2,000.)

Beginning September 25, you can join The Ken Blanchard Companies for a live, face-to-face servant leadership networking event in one of 13 cities in the US and Canada! Explore servant leadership concepts together with other leadership, learning, and talent development professionals in your metropolitan area. See which city is closest to you here.

Researchers from The Ken Blanchard Companies teamed up with Training magazine to poll 456 human resource and talent-management professionals. The purpose was to determine whether established best practices were being leveraged effectively.

The survey found gaps of 20-30 percent between what employees wanted from their leaders and what they were experiencing in four key areas: Performance Planning (setting clear goals), Day-to-Day Coaching (helping people reach their targets), Performance Evaluation (reviewing results), and Job and Career Development (learning and growing.)

Use this link to download a PDF version of a new infographic that shows the four key communication gaps broken down into ten specific conversations leaders should be having with their team members.

Are your leaders having the performance management conversations they should be? If you find similar gaps, address them for higher levels of employee work passion and performance.

You can read more about the survey (and see the Blanchard recommendations for closing communication gaps) by accessing the original article, 10 Performance Management Process Gaps, at the Training magazine website.

Would you like to learn more about improving the quality of management conversations in your organization? Join Ann Phillips for a complimentary webinar on Performance Management 101: 3 Conversations All Managers Need to Master. The event is free courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can learn more and register using this link.

I hear that statement all the time from my coaching clients. I get it—no one wants to be known as a boss who hovers over people and tells them what to do all the time. However, what I’ve noticed with some clients who desperately do not want to micromanage is that they often go to the other extreme and completely abdicate their leadership responsibilities.

So how does abdicating—which we also label as under-supervising—frustrate? Let’s look at one common example.

Under-supervision is most damaging when a leader says to a direct report who is unfamiliar with a task, “I know you will be fine. Just let me know when you’re done.” The direct report very likely won’t be able to do a task they haven’t been trained to do. Then, when the task becomes difficult or the person experiences some natural early failure, it’s normal for them to think, “My boss thinks I can do this. There must be something wrong with me!”

This begins a stream of negative self-talk, which can kill creativity. People in this state rarely give themselves permission to be a learner, to take risks, or to experiment with possible solutions. Isolation can also set in. People are often hesitant to reveal that they don’t know something—and are even less likely to do so if they think their boss expects them to know it.

Finally, forward motion is thwarted. When someone doesn’t know how to do something and doesn’t have anyone to guide them, they will often work on the tasks they do know how to do and set the other task aside. It appears to be human nature. I’ve witnessed people who are otherwise brilliant do this many times.

I’m convinced that abdicating behavior from a manager can be just as frustrating to a direct report as the dreaded micromanaging. The ideal balance would be to provide the right kind of leadership style depending on direct report’s development level on whatever task or goal they are working on. As Ken Blanchard says, a leader needs to “Slow down to go faster.” Here’s how it works:

1. With your direct report, articulate the goal for any assigned work. Express what a good job would look like. And this is a vital step: have your direct report repeat back to you what they heard you say about the goal and the desired objective. This will ensure you are both on the same page.
2. Next, ask the person how they would go about achieving the goal. And then really listen.
3. If they list out what they would do and it sounds like a good plan, send them on their way with your blessing. Of course, always let them know you are there if they need anything along the way.
4. On the other hand, if you hear “I’m not sure,” “I haven’t done this before,” or other statements of self-doubt, take it as a sign the person needs more supervision. Partner with them to create a plan for getting the job done—and be sure to check in with them regularly.

I always think using this style is like offering a thirsty person trekking through the desert some water. It’s giving them something they desperately need.

The hope is that a direct report who isn’t yet self-reliant on a task will grow and develop autonomy as they go forward. As the direct report develops competence and confidence doing the task, you, as the leader, can pull back on supervision.

Matching your leadership style to the specific needs of your direct reports will allow you to always correctly supervise versus under- or over-supervising. In this way, your leadership actions will always be just right!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

“Part of effective communication between manager and direct report is a mindset and part is a skillset. Both are required,” says Phillips. “It’s easy for managers to convince themselves they don’t have time for quality conversations, especially when they aren’t particularly interested in having them and don’t really know how to do it.

“Every manager I’ve worked with has so much of their own work to do all day, every day, that some can’t see their way clear to spending time with the folks who work for them—other than performance reviews, rushed interactions, or crises,” explains Phillips. “Conversations between these managers and their people are mostly manager-led directives of ‘this is what I want you to do; here’s how to do it.’ The manager is focused on getting stuff done and on what needs to happen—not on their direct reports’ career growth or needs.

“Unfortunately, when individual contributors in this scenario become managers, they treat people exactly the way they were treated. Sub-quality conversations become a cultural norm.”

The good news, according to Phillips, is that managers can learn to be more effective in their work conversations.

“If a manager has the right mindset and training, it’ll drive the right behavior,” says Phillips. She recommends focusing on three specific conversations to get started.

The Goal-Setting Conversation

“All good performance begins with clear goals. Effective goal-setting conversations begin with clarity—what to do, by when, and what a good job looks like,” says Phillips. “Be specific—and don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s critically important to take the time to make sure both parties are interpreting the same words in the same way to avoid misunderstandings.

“Conversations and relationships can go sideways when people interpret things differently but don’t have a conversation about that interpretation. Never assume!”

This leads to the second important conversation at which managers need to excel—giving feedback.

The Feedback Conversation

“A friend of mine recently told me I tend to hijack conversations,” says Phillips. “The funny thing is, I was just about to tell her she does the same thing! We discovered that what I interpret as hijacking and what she interprets as hijacking are two different things.

“We talked about how, when she’s talking and pauses to think, I rush in to fill the empty space.  It goes back to my experience at home. In my family, you talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and there are no pauses. So when my friend goes silent, I fill in the gap and start talking about something.

“Then I explained to her that I feel she hijacks the conversation when I tell her about something happening in my life and she immediately turns it into a discussion about something that’s happening in her life. It’s related, but it still feels to me like she is making it about her.

“Because we are committed to our friendship, we’re willing to discuss things that are uncomfortable and to consider each other’s point of view. That’s important at work, too. Managers and direct reports need to have the type of relationship where they can talk honestly. When a manager cares about a direct report as a human being—and vice versa—they build up an emotional bank account they can draw from.  That allows them to have difficult conversations when they need to.”

Sadly, the word feedback has a negative connotation in business today, says Phillips.

“People seldom think of feedback as praise or recognition. When people hear that word, they think at best it’s going to be constructive criticism. But it rarely feels constructive—it just feels like criticism.

“It’s another area where most managers don’t have the skills they need—especially feedback around performance improvement and redirection. Managers are so concerned about how someone might respond to feedback, they tend to avoid it altogether.”

One way managers can be more successful when preparing to give feedback is to make sure they are coming at it from the right place.

“Your feedback can’t be based on your own personal agenda,” says Phillips. “It has to be about helping other people be successful or otherwise improving the team. If you come from a personal agenda, your feedback will come across poorly.

“In my conversation with my friend, she gave me the feedback about the way I hijack conversations because she wanted our conversations to be better.  I knew that, and it gave me a chance to think about my behavior and run it over in my mind. That was a good learning for me—to recognize that behavior I picked up from my family might be misinterpreted when I’m dealing with other people.”

The One-on-One Conversation

Listening and focusing on the other person’s agenda is especially important when managers conduct one-on-one conversations with their direct reports, says Phillips.

“It’s easy to fall into the manager’s agenda, where one-on-ones can turn into a review of how the direct report is doing on each of their goals. At The Ken Blanchard Companies, we teach managers to schedule semi-monthly one-on-ones, where the agenda is driven by the individual contributor and what they need.”

The manager’s primary role is to listen and provide support, says Phillips.  Senior leaders are generally better at this than are new managers.

“At the senior levels of an organization, a VP typically will have more experience asking a direct report how things are going and finding out what the direct report needs to succeed. As you move down to the frontlines of an organization, managers are less experienced at taking the lead in a conversation like that.”

Especially at the frontlines, Phillips observes, managers and supervisors need training in how to have effective one-on-one conversations. Otherwise, the direct report is likely to default to the manager and ask the manager what they want talk about.

“It’s important to teach managers to ask open-ended questions about what an individual contributor’s needs are. Suppose the direct report comes into the meeting with a blank piece of paper and says, ‘What do you want talk about?’ The manager should take that opening and say, ‘Let’s talk about some things you are working on. Let’s list the three or four tasks, discuss your development level, and talk about how I can help you.’ Eventually, that direct report will become more proactive and learn to take the lead in those conversations.”

It’s a process and a joint responsibility—one where everybody benefits, says Phillips.

“Leaders influence through the power of their conversations. Train your managers—and your individual contributors—in the skills they need for more effective conversations at work. It’s one of the best ways to improve performance and satisfaction.”

Would you like to learn more about improving the quality and frequency of conversations in your organization?  Then join us for a free webinar!

PERFORMANCE MANAGEMENT 101: 3 CONVERSATIONS ALL MANAGERS NEED TO MASTER

Wednesday, August 1, 2018, 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

Managers influence and lead through the words they use and the communication skills they apply. In this webinar, Blanchard senior consulting partner Ann Phillips will share the three types of conversations managers must know how to conduct.

1. The Goal-Setting Conversation—how to set goals collaboratively with a focus on motivation.
2. The Feedback Conversation—how to praise performance when it is aligned and how to redirect performance when it is off track.
3. The One-on-One Conversation—how to set aside time to hear from direct reports using high levels of inquiry and listening.

Don’t miss this opportunity to evaluate how your organization is currently addressing performance management. Learn the elements of masterful performance management and how to apply these principles in your own organization. Ann will share tips and strategies you can put into practice immediately. The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Register today!

This was never more true for me than these last several weeks as I spent time with my father. We knew that he wouldn’t be with us much longer and it was easy to get distracted with worry and fear. But Dad reminded me of a valuable lesson: you don’t know how many moments you have in life, so take the ones you have and live them fully.

There was a bittersweet freedom in knowing our time was limited. Eating Jell-O was a delight. Helping him sit up so he could read was another treasure.  Every touch of my dad’s hands, his smile, and a look from those piercing blue eyes that never missed a thing were moments I cherished as they were happening.

Rather than dwelling on what was to come, or what I wanted desperately to control, Dad had the grace to show me, moment by moment, that there was joy to be had in our precious time together.

This was an extreme situation that warranted mindfulness and being fully present.  It was a reminder that we can’t control the future or change the past—and that every moment we have opportunity to live our now fully and with appreciation.

Putting that into practice every day can be harder to do. Eckhart Tolle says:

“The moment you realize you are not present, you are present. Whenever you are able to observe your mind, you are no longer trapped in it. Another factor has come in, something that is not of the mind: the witnessing presence.”

That makes perfect sense—and it can be wildly difficult.

Here are three questions that may help you live for now, rather than for the past or the future:

• What am I feeling right now?
• What is happening right now?
• What joy can I find in this moment?

Thank you Dad, for such great life lessons.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Our company recently instituted an internal survey designed to measure employee experience and asked business units and departments to give feedback on each other. Our business unit got the results from the first survey and the news was pretty good. We got a total score of 4.4 out of 5, which means that on average everyone who interacts with our team is more than satisfied with us.

One thing my team and I did get marked low on was being “slow to respond.” My people were upset about this and I am, too. We often need to research, think about, and discuss our responses when we are asked for help, so it is rare that we can just fire off a solution right away.

I didn’t think the survey was the place to call out individuals and I feel embarrassed and exposed. I have no way of knowing who said what or defending myself and my team.

What do you think I should do?

Got Dinged

Dear Got Dinged,
Nothing. Don’t do anything right now. You can do something once you have had a chance to cool off, calm down, and notice how defensive you feel. Feedback that makes us feel judged and found wanting can cause the release of the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline, which generate the “fight or flight” response. No one is thinking clearly when that is happening.

Once you are feeling rational again, ask yourself the question that will help you to stay open and curious about the topic: “What if this feedback were true?”

The truth is that even if you could explain yourself, nobody is really interested in why you are slow to respond. The better place to focus your energy is to ask yourself a second question: “How important is this to my success and the success of my team?”

If your organization has a norm where everyone must respond within 24 hours, you’re going against company norms—which may or may not be OK with you. If you’re going to march to your own drummer, you will need to be OK taking a little flack for it. If you’re not OK with taking flack, you can make a commitment to changing your ways. The one thing to consider is that even if you can’t get a full answer to someone, you can respond by saying, “Got your request, need to do a little footwork and think it through. Expect an answer by ____.” That is a response, and it only takes four seconds to do it.

Then check in with your team. Say, “We can see in the survey that some folks experience us as slow to respond. Are there instances where you can see that they might have a point?” Discuss. Walk through the same progression you already put yourself through. Decide how important it is to the team to change the perception. If it seems to be important, let the team brainstorm solutions toward that outcome.

The survey was a jolt from left field. Take the data and decide how it may be useful to you. Decide what, if anything, you might want to do about it. If you decide to do something, make a plan and commit to it. Otherwise, let it go.

Love, Madeleine

PS: You might also want to consider giving feedback directly to anyone you might have dinged on the survey to ensure you don’t perpetuate the behavior that has made you so unhappy. Just because technology makes it easier to give feedback anonymously, doesn’t mean it is the right thing to do.

Just sayin’.

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a team lead (the youngest, thank you very much) in a fast and fun Silicon Valley startup.

Everything was fine until I was made a lead. The problem: I am just too smart. I know that sounds terrible, but it is true. I actually have an IQ of about 170, and people around me can’t keep up.

I have received feedback that I tend to push my ideas on others—and it’s true, because mine are the best ones. But I can never get anyone else to see my point of view. I am super creative and a fast thinker and I generate ideas quickly. I know I need to inspire others to join me in my vision and I also learn to respect others’ ideas more and create an environment of collaboration.

On team projects in school, I just did everybody else’s work because I couldn’t stand how slow and mediocre people were, but that isn’t going to work here. I am aware that I sound like a big jerk, but I honestly don’t know what to do about it.

Too Smart for My Own Good

Dear Too Smart,

Well, you have come to the right place. My first coaching company was devoted to creative geniuses, so I worked with a lot of people like you. I can feel your pain—not because I am like you, but because I have coached so many who are. I have a couple of ideas that may help you understand your situation and also some behaviors to try on that may help you be more effective, long term. No one wants to work for a big jerk, but everyone wants to work for someone brilliant. The good news about being such a smarty is that you can leverage your considerable intelligence to expand your repertoire of behaviors.

First, you need to understand temperament theory. Temperament theory will help you understand how you are different from others, why it matters, and what you can do about it. Your high intelligence is only part of the problem. In fact, once you understand how you need to modulate your own behavior, it will become a strength to leverage. Here are two different sources for you to go to. Each author uses different language to express the four temperaments.

David Keirsey’s site (he wrote a book called Please Understand Me):

https://www.keirsey.com/sorter/register.aspx

Linda Berens’s site:

http://lindaberens.com/resources/methodology-articles/temperament-theory/

You may very well be surrounded by people who are as smart as you but who are driven by different needs and who communicate differently than you do. I would bet money on your being a Rational temperament (Keirsey’s language). The core needs for a Rational are self-control, mastery, and competence. I created this list for a class on temperament:

You might be a Rational if you:

1. 1. Follow only the rules that make sense
   2. Often feel surrounded by idiots
   3. Have been accused of being cold
   4. Compete mostly with yourself
   5. Have a hard time when people don’t get it
   6. Were on the debate team
   7. Have a regular chess game
   8. Regularly wonder how something isn’t obvious to all
   9. Often think of work as play, when in the right job
   10. Tend to focus on the future

Sound familiar? People with Rational temperament are often seen by others as cold, condescending, unemotional, calculating, elitist, patronizing, and unrealistic.

Once you have a sense of your own temperament, you will understand the needs you are getting met with your ineffective behavior and how you are seen by others. Then you can understand other people’s temperament and how you may have to change your communication style so that they can relate to what you are saying. This will be a lot of work for you, but I guarantee it will change the way you approach everything and everyone—and you will be really happy you did it.

Second, stop being a jerk. You can do it. Exercise more, meditate, breathe, count to infinity, or do whatever you need to do to be more patient. You must understand that it is the job of the leader to adapt to the people they are leading. So, it is your job to meet people where they are, listen to their ideas, and generally evoke the best from them. This is a tall order and it requires a lot of self-regulation. You are young and this requires maturity, but it will keep you from becoming a monster. I recommend that you simply start with asking instead of telling. Listening to your people and repeat back what you hear. Listen more than you talk, stop interrupting people, and, for the love of Pete, stop rolling your eyes. How do I know you are rolling your eyes? I just know—and so does everyone else who has ever worked for someone like you.

There is hope for you. Go forth and use those smarts to expand the ways you are intelligent. There will be no stopping you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

1. If you believe others control your future
2. If you hate to learn new things—especially about yourself
3. If you believe you have all the answers
4. If you believe feedback is a waste of time
5. If you believe the coach is there to give you advice (that you wouldn’t want to take anyway)
6. If you have been greatly successful without help from anyone else

However, if you are open to new ideas, are willing to try new things, and have an unshakeable belief in your ability to get better, a coach can help you take your first steps in a new direction. If this describes you—or someone you know—then don’t waste a minute. Find a coach who can help you along the way. A bigger life awaits you!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

For the leaders I coach, much of their workday moments are spent in email, in meetings, or tap, tap, tapping on their cellphones. Also competing for their attention are one-on-one interactions with clients, colleagues, and direct reports. It’s easy for them to be anything but focused in the present moment.

That said, I think most people will agree that being as present as possible, in the here and now, is valuable. We’ve all experienced having someone be fully present with us, really focused on what we had to say. It’s quite energizing. When we strive to be more in the present we give a gift not only to people we interact with, but also ourselves.

How about you? Could a little more mindfulness help in your interactions with others? Here are a few points to keep in mind.

• Knowing about mindfulness is not practicing mindfulness. I’ve heard a lot of people say, “Oh, mindfulness, sure, I know what that is.” Then they dismiss it like it’s old news. But in reality, they may have never tried practicing mindfulness.

• Mindfulness is a learned habit anyone can acquire. Just wanting to be more mindful doesn’t make it so. Instead, we have to be intentional and we have to practice. The good news is that absolutely anything we do can be an opportunity to practice greater awareness.

• If at first you don’t succeed… If you commit to practice mindfulness, you will notice that the mind definitely seems to have a will of its own. What to do? Every time your mind starts to leak away, bring it gently back. Bring your consciousness back to what is taking place in the moment.

• Focus on the present—not the past or future. As we work to be more in the present, we often find ourselves thinking about things that happened in the past or something that may or may not happen in the future. This causes us to unproductively spin our wheels. Mindfulness is about focused attention in the present moment.

It’s not always easy to remember to be mindful. Trust me, I know from experience! But the rewards from being in the here and now—in the present time and in the present space—are plentiful. Any movement toward more mindfulness is better than not trying. If you are interested in learning to be more mindful, the internet is loaded with more information. Give it a try. I would love to hear about your mindfulness experiences.

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Here are some commonly overused leadership habits and alternatives we might put in their place.

Giving Advice.  I love Benjamin Franklin’s quote about giving advice: “Wise men don’t need advice.  Fools won’t take it.”  Instead of jumping to give advice, consider asking questions to draw out the brilliance of the other person. Facilitate them finding their own answers.  It will require some practice with open-ended questioning and real listening, but doing this keeps the other person front and center in discovering their own wisdom.

Problem Solving.  Instead of sharing your own “winning ways,” consider empowering the other person to find their own answers.  In coaching we call this letting the other person do the heavy lifting.  What’s amazing is that when someone does their own heavy lifting, they are usually much more invested in the actions and outcomes.  No, you didn’t get to provide solutions, but you also didn’t add anything to your own to-do list—which can often happen if you are the problem solver.

Being the Devil’s Advocate.  I used to work for a manager who always played the devil’s advocate.  I knew he did it in an attempt to bring out our best on projects we were working on—but, boy oh boy, was it draining.  Instead, consider Ken Blanchard’s advice and spend your time catching people doing things right. I know when someone catches me doing something right, it feels so good I start thinking about what else I could do to keep that feeling going. And as a friend of mine said, who wants to work for the devil’s advocate, anyway?

Giving advice, problem solving, and helping people consider alternatives all have their place in a manager’s toolkit—just don’t overdo it. Replacing our old tried-and-true ways is never easy.  But if we are willing to consider change, to behave more intentionally, and to be patient with ourselves while we practice, we can empower others like nobody’s business.  They will be grateful and really appreciate to us for what we are often not doing.  And who wouldn’t like to do less and get—and give—more?

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Below are a few key skills and techniques that coaches use when working with others. Each of these skills will help your managers adopt more of a coaching approach in their interactions. If you are interested in a more extensive and detailed look, check out Coaching in Organizations – Best Coaching Practices by Madeleine Homan and Linda Miller. Also, the International Coach Federation’s list of Core Competencies for coaches are listed on the federation’s website: www.coachfederation.org

• Take a service-partnership approach. It’s not about you. The focus is on helping leaders be effective and develop.
• Be fully present. This can be a challenge even for experienced coaches—there are so many distractions in today’s world. Constantly reengage yourself. During the coaching session, nothing else matters other than the person you are working with.
• Be a sounding board. Practice active listening. Many people just need a neutral partner to listen to them so they can work it out for themselves vocally.
• Inquire for insight: Ask open-ended questions. Clarifying questions help get to the heart of the topic. Focus questions set the direction for the coaching session. Discovery questions lead to increased awareness. Challenging questions lead to new insight and action.

This list is only a highlight of what is needed to have a productive, valuable, and rewarding coaching session from the client and coach perspective. Give it a try. I’m sure that even with this exploratory approach, your managers will experience the thrill of hearing and watching their people have aha moments as they come up with their own solutions.

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I know I am supposed to have regular one on one meetings with my employees and I have been doing it for a long time. It works well—I feel more connected to each of them and they are all doing really well.

Except one.

I have one direct report who is very good at her job—but during her one on one meetings with me, she literally never stops talking. I can’t get a word in edgewise. It is a one-hour wall of words. In fact, she often can’t stop so the meeting goes late. Worst of all, she doesn’t seem to leave these meetings the better for having had them.

Not surprisingly, I have begun to dread our one on ones. She repeats herself and goes in circles and it is just so tedious. Every meeting with her feels like a colossal waste of time for both of us. How can I fix this?

Swamped by Words

Dear Swamped by Words,

Congratulations on doing one on ones—this process will serve you well for the rest of your professional life.

It is important to remember that a key differentiator of a one on one meeting is that it is the employee’s agenda. So in the end, if that is how she wants to use her time, it really is up to her. But you can try to help her get more out of the time.

You will need to be patient at this point, however—because by allowing this behavior, you have accidently trained it. And you will now have to un-train it.

The first step is to tell your direct report you are concerned she is not getting as much value from her one on ones as she might. Ask her if she would be interested in making them more valuable. If she says no, well, there you have it. If she says yes, you can ask her to prepare for them by thinking about the following questions:

• What have you accomplished?
• What did you want to accomplish that you didn’t?
• What are you proud of?
• What could you use help with?

Share that the people who get the most of out their one on ones keep a running list of topics throughout the week and submit a short, written agenda prior to their meeting, which keeps them on track.

Also, during the meeting you can gently stop your employee when she is ranting by asking her “What is most important for you to express right now?” This can help with prioritization.

When she repeats herself, one strategy you can use is to repeat back what she has said so she knows that you have fully heard her. If speed and flow of words continue to increase, you can help calm her brain down by literally saying, gently: “Stop. Let’s take a breath here.”

The key—and this requires discipline—is to stay calm, be kind, park your judgment, and stay neutral.

Finally, I have to ask if this employee does this elsewhere at work. Is she driving her coworkers crazy? Are her clients avoiding her? Because if this is the case, you have a whole other problem and you need to give her direct feedback and possibly even recommend some help.

But let’s stick with this first step for now. One on ones are an important communication tool and it’s important to get this right.

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Bungay Stanier, a top executive coach and consultant, shares how time-pressed managers can effectively coach direct reports by asking instead of telling, being a little more curious, and engaging a little more often.

“The biggest barrier to managers coaching,” says Bungay Stanier, “is that managers believe they don’t have the time.  As a result, coaching as a leadership skill is rarely employed.”

Bungay Stanier discusses the benefit of silence—the importance of being a manager who asks questions instead of jumping in and always giving advice. As he explains, “We are all advice-giving maniacs. Sometimes the best way to channel that energy is to ask questions.”

He shares seven essential questions that can help managers elevate their capabilities to coach others.

The first question, which Bungay Stanier calls the Kick-Start Question, is: “What’s on your mind?” This question opens up the door to more interesting and helpful questions.

The last question, which, when paired with the first, forms what Bungay Stanier calls the Coaching Bookends, is the Learning Question: “What was most useful or most valuable for you?” This question helps people become more masterful and competent.

As Bungay Stanier explains, “People don’t learn when you tell them stuff.  Learning occurs when people have an opportunity to stop and reflect.”

Be sure to listen to the very end of the interview, when Ken Blanchard shares what was most useful for him!

Maybe it is the CEO of your company, the principal of your local high school, or the president of your alma mater.

If I asked you about the specific qualities that made them successful, you’d probably tell me about their hard skills—teachable abilities such as vision and strategic thinking.

But I’ll bet you’d also tell me about their soft skills—interpersonal abilities such as listening, collaborating, and endorsing others.

Yes, the hard skills matter, but in my experience it is soft skills that make a leader memorable—more than their title, degree, acquisitions, or accomplishments. Let me give you an example.

Twenty five years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, I attended a presentation by the famous Boston Children’s Hospital pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. After delivering his speech to a packed house, Dr. Brazelton took questions from the audience. One woman had a question about breastfeeding her three-year-old child.

A sizeable number of audience members started to murmur regarding the woman’s choice to nurse a child that age. The negative energy unsettled the mother and she paused in the middle of her question. The silence seemed to last forever, but Dr. Brazelton kept his compassionate gaze upon her. It was as if they were the only two people in the room. He nodded for her to continue and she tentatively resumed speaking. When she finished her question, he answered her. He then took the next question.

Why has this stayed with me for twenty-five years? In that moment, I saw Dr. Brazelton as an awesome leader because he didn’t do anything. He cared enough to wait. He held the space for her. The woman at the microphone felt his connection—and I did, too, as an observer. He didn’t play to the audience. He didn’t diminish the woman or her question. And by doing so, Dr. Brazelton allowed me to observe the transformational power of caring by truly listening. That evening, I learned so much from him—far beyond the topic of his speech.

Obviously, listening, caring, and creating a connection are important to me as a coach. It was not Dr. Brazelton’s education or professorships or thirty-page resume that affected me the evening I heard his speech. I was transformed by seeing a self-aware individual care to hear the question of another. It was powerful—and it remains powerful all these years later.

As the years have passed, I recall that night often and use it as a calibration in my own work by asking myself: In what ways am I creating connections like that?

How about you? Taking the opportunity to continually improve is essential to becoming a better, more self-aware leader. Unlike a hard skill, we’re never finished when it comes to improving our ability to listen, to be present, and to validate others. Consider how you can model both the hard and soft sides of leadership in your conversations. You’ll help yourself and others in working together more effectively—and isn’t that wonderful!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

The International Coach Federation describes presence as the “ability to be fully conscious and create spontaneous relationship with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible, and confident.”

Being present is about being in the moment with a laser focus on the client. To do this, eliminate any potential distractions and filters—including your own preconceived thoughts and judgments. Being fully present means listening to understand and asking open-ended questions to help your client explore himself or herself more deeply.

Here are a couple of tips that can help you be more present in your coaching conversations.

Remember, it’s not about you. I like to say to my clients “It is not about me as a coach; it is all about YOU!” The coach is confident about not knowing or identifying the solution—their focus is on shifting perspective and exploring possibilities. The client is in the lead with the coach as a solid support partner.

Silence is okay. Often we feel the need to fill in the gaps during a conversation. But truly being present may involve periods of silence, which a coach will often do intentionally. This allows clients more space to share what’s on their mind.

Listen to understand. Too often, people listen only enough to respond. Instead of really hearing what the other person is saying, energy is spent preparing an answer or response. Effective coaches practice active listening—listening with the expectation of hearing something new or surprising.

Tell your truth. Coaching presence means the coach calls out what they are observing and trusts their intuition to support the client in gaining clarity, increasing self-awareness, and finding the right solutions.

I have learned over the years that the most important thing I can do in my coaching relationships as well as my personal relationships is to be fully present and in the moment. It is about showing I care, listening to understand, and controlling my thoughts, judgments, and responses.

Imagine being fully present with your spouse, partner, kids, family members, friends, and co-workers. Consider listening to truly understand the other person’s perspective—what they are saying and feeling—without quickly forming a judgment or jumping to share your thoughts. How would your relationships change?

If you haven’t tried coaching presence, try it!

About the Author
Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

“Rarely do we hear each other’s voices these days,” says Pat Zigarmi, leadership expert and founding associate with The Ken Blanchard Companies. “Communication becomes a series of one-way texts. It’s kind of like a ping-pong ball going back and forth.”

In the April edition of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Ignite newsletter Zigarmi questions whether this ping-pong approach encourages bad communication habits among managers—especially when it comes to providing direction and support.

“A basic principle of our approach to leadership is that a portion of managerial conversations should be focused on other people’s needs, not just the manager’s needs. But today’s communication is often all about whatever agenda the manager is pushing.”

“In our Situational Leadership® II training program, we teach that leadership is most effective when it is done side by side. That doesn’t happen with one-way communication such as ‘Answer my questions right away!’ or ‘Get me what I need now!’

“In rapid-fire, back-and-forth communication, there is no opportunity for the leader to ask ‘How is this sitting with you?’ ‘How does this stack up with your other priorities?’ or ‘What else do you need to know?’”

Zigarmi explains that if productive conversations aren’t happening between manager and direct report, competence is not going to be built, motivation is not going to be addressed, and confidence is not going to be developed.

“Real conversation is give-and-take,” reminds Zigarmi.

In today’s busy work environment, we must maintain a balance between the quick transfer of information the leader needs and meaningful conversations that focus on the needs of others. Communication at its best helps team members build their competence, motivation, and confidence on the goals and tasks they need to accomplish.

Would you like to learn more about improving the performance related conversations taking place in your organization?  Join us for a free webinar!

Situational Leadership® II— Keys to High Quality Conversations at Work

Thursday, May 4, 2017, 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

To improve the level of engagement and performance among team members, managers must increase the quality of their conversations with the people they lead. That’s the message best-selling author and leadership expert Dr. Patricia Zigarmi will be sharing in this webinar that looks at the ways managers—new and experienced alike—can improve the way they communicate.

Drawing on three decades of experience co-authoring, teaching, and measuring the impact of Blanchard’s flagship program Situational Leadership® II, Dr. Zigarmi will share how leaders can increase their effectiveness directing and supporting the work of others.

You’ll learn:

• How to help leaders be more purposeful and intentional in their conversations
• How to create a sense of partnership with each direct report by aligning on goals, development level, and the matching leadership style
• How to create a work environment that is optimally motivating
• How to use a common language of leadership to develop trust

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn how to partner with team members, peers, and colleagues in a side-by-side relationship. Discover how the focused conversations of a Situational Leader, tailored to each team member’s individual needs, can greatly improve engagement and performance.

Register today if you:

• Don’t know much about Situational Leadership® II, (SLII®) the most widely used leadership model in the world
• Know about SLII® but want to see what’s new
• Want to learn more about best practices in implementing Situational Leadership® II in your organization

LEARN MORE

The best way to reduce turnover and increase engagement is to make sure managers set aside time once or twice each month for employee-directed one-on-one meetings. In these meetings, the manager sets the time but the employee sets the agenda.

Your role as manager is to simply show up and ask questions such as “How’s it going?” or “What’s on your mind?”  Then—this is important—fight the urge to talk. Instead, simply listen. That’s it! (For more on listening, check out the blog post 3 Reminders on How “Just Listening” Is Sometimes the Best Approach by Joanne Maynard.)

A Case Study from a High Turnover Industry

At The Ken Blanchard Companies, we know that listening to your people can make a critical difference.  We were once called upon to help a fast food chain in Southern California with a problem prevalent in the quick service industry—high turnover.

This restaurant chain’s turnover rate hovered close to 100 percent—with one glaring exception. The rate at one location was found to be significantly lower than that of all the other stores.

In talking to the manager of the exceptional store, we learned that he ran his store in exactly the same way as all the other managers except for one thing: this manager met with each of his employees for a few minutes every week to see how they were doing.  He encouraged each worker to talk about how things were at the store, what was going on at home, or how they were doing at school—whatever happened to be on their mind at the time. Except for these casual meetings, every procedure at this location was identical to those at other stores in the chain.

When asked why he conducted these one-on-one meetings, the manager said, “I figure if my workers know that I really care about them as individuals, they’ll be less likely to go down the street for a new job just because it might pay a little more.”

This really intrigued Dr. Margie Blanchard, cofounder of our company.  She wondered if weekly one-on-one meetings could really make that much of a difference.

To find out, she conducted a test with 20 Blanchard managers.  She asked every manager to meet with each of their direct reports for 20 to 30 minutes at least every other week.  She specified that the direct report set the agenda and decide what to talk about during their time with the manager.

At the end of six months, Margie separately interviewed three different groups—the managers who had set up the meetings; the department heads who had ensured all the managers participated; and the direct reports who had guided the discussions—to get their feedback on the process.

Several managers told Margie that at first they were disappointed in their abilities as a manager. When their employees had questions or asked for direction, they felt ineffective when they couldn’t immediately fix a problem. One of the managers said, “I don’t know what I was doing before, but I don’t think I was managing very well. I believe I’m a better manager now because I know the people on my team on a more personal level.”

Next, Margie asked the department heads if they had noticed any changes in the relationship between managers and direct reports. All of them said yes—there had been a noticeable positive difference in the level of communication taking place.  There was a better overall vibe.

Finally, Margie talked to the direct reports. This group had the most telling feedback, summed up by one person: “It’s been good. My manager doesn’t always know the answers, but I still appreciate that she takes the time to ask about what’s going on in my world. It’s been a very positive experience and has helped our work relationship.”

We Spend Time on What We Care About

You don’t need to have all the answers to create a connection—just make the time once or twice a month to sit down and find out what people are thinking about.  It’ll make a big difference! Consider how much it means to you when someone shows an interest in what is happening in your life.

In a busy world, the way you spend your time reveals what is important to you. People stay with managers and organizations that care about them.  Ask your managers to help you demonstrate that care.

One of my favorite coaching books, The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever, by Michael Bungay Stanier just might be the solution every well-meaning manager has been looking for. Stanier, an acclaimed executive coach and former coach of the year in his native Canada, shares seven questions any manager can use to increase their leadership effectiveness—especially during One on Ones.

I originally read the book last summer and I picked it up again when I heard that the book was celebrating its one year anniversary (see special offer below.) I don’t want to give it all away here—you really need to read the book to appreciate the nuance and genius of what Stanier shares, but in a nutshell the seven questions are

1. What’s on your mind? A brilliantly simple way to open up a one-on-one conversation, invite people to share, and get at what is most important in the moment
2. And what else? Three little words that open up possibilities, insights, and increased self-awareness
3. What’s the real challenge here for you? The question that slows down the rush to find the first answer instead of solving the real problem
4. What do you want? Taking the time to discover the need and the desired outcome that makes charting the journey easier
5. How can I help? Insisting on a clear direct request that you as a leader can respond to
6. What will you say no to if you’re truly saying yes to this? Life is about choices. This question identifies the tough trade-offs.
7. What was most useful for you? Gathering feedback and extracting value from the conversation

If you are a well-meaning manager who wants to have more-productive conversations with your people, try these questions. Bonus: They also work great for those work-related conversations at home—you know, right after you ask, “How was your day?” You’ll see the power of these questions immediately.

For those interested in learning more about the method behind the magic, be sure to check out all the praise and positive reviews on Amazon. See why Dan Pink, Brené Brown, and Dave Ulrich, along with 500 other positive reviewers, are so excited—including me!  Special Anniversary eBook offer: The Coaching Habit eBook will be available for purchase for just 99 cents on Amazon from March 1 to 3.

The ability to conduct successful One on Ones is a key leadership competency. Learn how asking these seven questions can help you be the manager you want to be.

About the Author

David Witt is the Program Director for The Ken Blanchard Companies. A business-focused writer, researcher, and speaker, David is the editor and lead columnist for The Ken Blanchard Companies Ignite! online newsletter, moderator of the company’s LeaderChat blog, and host of the company’s monthly webinar programming.

Blanchard researchers surveyed 1,800 workers looking at the connections between trust, well-being and coaching behaviors.The research found that trust and well-being were both positively impacted by perceptions of managers engaging in three key behaviors.

1. Facilitation: Helping employees to analyze and explore ways to solve problems and enhance their performance.

2. Guidance: The communication of clear performance expectations and constructive feedback regarding performance outcomes, as well as how to improve.

3. Inspiration: Challenging employees to realize and develop their potential.

Interested in strengthening the manager—direct report relationships in your organization?  A white paper which accompanies the research shares four coaching skills to help managers move away from some typical tendencies—telling people what to do, making assumptions, and solving problems—and instead adopt a coaching mindset. Here are the four skills to get started:

• Listen to Learn: Effective managers listen to learn something they might not have known before. They listen for opportunities to hear a different perspective, to hear new ideas or insights. They listen in service to the person and to the conversation.

• Inquire for Insight: Managers who are great coaches draw the brilliance out of their people. They ask questions that allow their people to share insights and ideas that can benefit projects, tasks, and the team in general. When inquiring for insight, it’s important to focus on the future rather than the past and to avoid placing blame.

• Tell Your Truth: Being direct and candid can be a challenge for anyone, but done properly, telling your truth with others can be empowering to both parties. Because the goal is to create purposeful action through clarity, telling your truth is an opportunity to share observations or give feedback that will help the employee accomplish the goal.

• Express Confidence: Managers who acknowledge direct reports and maintain a respectful, positive regard for their contribution are building the confidence of the people they manage. Expressing confidence allows a manager to preserve a good relationship regardless of the type of conversation being held. Expressing confidence builds self-assurance and enthusiasm.

You can access the white paper and see the complete research report by downloading, Coaching Skills: The Missing Link for Leaders

Research Details:

Approximately 1,850 people participated in the study, including human resource, learning and development, management, and non-management professionals to measure the various dimensions of coaching, trust, affect or emotion, and intentions (i.e., intent to remain with the organization, exert discretionary effort, endorse the organization, perform well, and be a good organizational citizen).

The measure used for coaching was Heslin’s (et al.) Employee Coaching Measure and the defined behaviors included Facilitation (acting as a sounding board, helping the direct report develop ideas), Inspiration (expressing confidence in the direct report’s ability to improve, and encouraging continuous development and improvement), and Guiding (providing guidance and feedback and providing constructive feedback regarding areas for improvement). The scale measures ten items on a 5-point Likert scale with response possibilities ranging from Not at all to To a very great extent.

The Positive and Negative Affect Scale (PANAS) constructed by Watson and Clark was used as the measure of affect. The PANAS, a semantic differential measure, has ten descriptive items such as Upset, Alert, Inspired, and Nervous, and uses a 5-point Likert scale ranging from Not at all to Strongly.

McAllister’s 11-item Trust scale was used to measure Affective Trust (I can talk freely to my leader to discuss difficulties I am having at work and know that he or she will want to listen) and Cognitive Trust (Given my leader’s track record, I see no reason to doubt his or her competence and preparation to do the job). The scale uses a 7-point Likert scale with response possibilities ranging from Strongly disagree to Strongly agree.

Blanchard’s Work Intention Inventory (WII) was also included; it uses five intention measures, including Intent to exert discretionary effort on behalf of the organization (I intend to volunteer to do things that may not be part of my job), Intent to perform (I intend to work efficiently to achieve all my work goals), Intent to endorse the organization (I intend to talk positively about this organization to family and friends), Intent to remain with the organization (I intend to stay with this organization even if offered a more appealing job elsewhere), and Intent to be a good organizational citizen (I intend to respect this organization’s assets). From earlier research, Blanchard found that these work intentions ultimately predict behavior. When the scores in the five intention scales are high, it’s an indication of the presence of positivity and high levels of work passion. The five intention scales each contain three items and use a 6-point Likert scale with response possibilities ranging from To no extent to To the fullest extent.

References

Fielden, Sandra. 2005. “Literature Review: Coaching Effectiveness—A Summary.” Prepared for the NHS Leadership Centre.

Heslin, Peter A.; Vandewalle, Don; and Latham, Gary P. 2006. “Keen to Help? Managers’ Implicit Person Theories and Their Subsequent Employee Coaching.” Personnel Psychology 59: 871–902.

McAllister, D. J., “Affect and Cognitive-based Trust as Foundations for Interpersonal Cooperation in Organizations.” Academy of Management Journal, 38 (1): (1995) 24-59.

Theeboom, Tim; Beersma, Bianca; and van Vianen, Annelies E.M. 2014. “Does Coaching Work? A Meta-Analysis on the Effects of Coaching on Individual Level Outcomes in an Organizational Context.” The Journal of Positive Psychology (9)1: 1–18.

Watson, D.; Clark, L. A.; Tellegen, A. (1988). “Development and Validation of Brief Measures of Positive and Negative Affect: The PANAS Scales”. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 54 (6): 1063–1070. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.54.6.1063. PMID 3397865.

Zigarmi, D., Nimon, K., Houson, D., Witt, D., and Diehl, J. (2012). The work intention inventory: Initial evidence of construct validity. Journal of Business Administration Research, 1 (1), 24–42. doi: 10.50430/jbar.vlnp24

“As a leader, you need to be on your best behavior all of the time,” says coaching expert Madeleine Blanchard.  “What’s unfortunate is that just when a leader needs increased self awareness, the quality of honest feedback they receive plummets.

“As the leader assumes increased power, followers in the organization start to modify the feedback they provide.  Feedback is more positive.  The boss’s jokes are always funny and their ideas are always good. People begin to suck up to power in a way that distorts reality for the successful executive, who no longer receives the straight scoop.”

“That can lead to blind spots, especially in the areas of communication and trust,” says Randy Conley.  As trust practice leader for The Ken Blanchard Companies, Conley has seen how leaders can struggle—and how they often can be unaware of how they are coming across to others.

“The problems can usually be traced back to one of four areas,” explains Conley.  “A leader’s style can cause negative perceptions of their Ability, Believability, Connectedness, or Dependability.  Negative perceptions in any of these four areas can lead to decreased trust.

That’s why Conley recommends that leaders take the time to conduct a trust audit, which helps them evaluate where they currently stand, make amends where necessary, and modify their behavior going forward.

“It’s a three-step process where leaders assess their current behavior, apologize if they need to, and act more consistently.

“Assessing behavior involves looking at your conduct in four areas,” explains Conley. “In our Building Trust training program we have leaders look at how they are perceived by others in terms of being Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable.  A problem in any one of these four areas will have a negative impact on relationships and the ability of people to work together successfully.

“Able refers to how people see you as being competent in your role.  Do people think you have the skills and experience to get the job done?  Sometimes it is a perception issue; sometimes it is a gap in experience.  Either way, it needs to be addressed.

“Believable is always a perception issue—do you act in ways that are consistent with someone who is honest, truthful, and forthcoming?  This can be a challenge for leaders as they move up in an organization and feel it necessary to share some information on a need-to-know basis.  The problem is that people may perceive the leader is hiding information or not being completely transparent.

“Connected is the relationship aspect of trust.  Do you demonstrate that you care about people—or do you come across as all business?  Working together requires a heart and head connection.  In addition to following you for logical reasons, people also want to follow you for emotional reasons.  Leaders need to check their style and make sure that they aren’t coming across as cold or aloof.

“Dependable means following through on your good intentions.  This trips up a lot of well meaning executives—especially the people pleasers who can’t say ‘no.’  They overcommit themselves and start missing deadlines. They are often surprised to discover how this diminishes people’s trust that they will do what they promise.”

Both Conley and Blanchard caution leaders to be prepared to act on gaps uncovered by the trust audit.

“Make sure you are ready for what you hear,” says Blanchard.  “When you invite people to discuss these potentially sensitive areas, you have to be ready to listen.  Feedback is a gift.  There are only two things an executive should say when they receive feedback—either “thank you” or “tell me more.”

Also, explains Conley, be ready to acknowledge and apologize when necessary.

“You have to own up to areas where you have fallen short. In our program, we train that the most important part of apologizing is being completely sincere—don’t explain, rationalize, or make it the other person’s problem.”

“It’s a simple concept, but one that leaders screw up all the time,” adds Blanchard.  “How many times have we heard a senior leader qualify an apology by saying, ‘I’m sorry if my behavior made you feel that way,’ or by explaining, ‘I was only trying to…’

“Less is more when it comes to apologies,” explains Blanchard. “Just say ‘I’m sorry. I hope you will forgive me for the way I have acted in the past.’ If you need to say more, save it for the next step when you explain how you will act differently in the future.”

“Most leaders are trustworthy.  It’s just their behavior that gets in the way sometimes,” says Conley.

Interested in learning more about adding trust and coaching skills into a leadership development curriculum?  Be sure to check out the Building Trust or Coaching Essentials pages on the Blanchard website.

You can also download copies of the new eBooks

 Do Your Managers Build or Erode Trust

 Great Leaders Don’t Tell You What to Do—They Develop Your Capabilities

Trustworthy behavior leads to trusting relationships. With increased awareness, the willingness to hear feedback, and the humility to apologize for times when trust has been broken, leaders can take a huge leap toward building the types of relationships where people work together to move the organization forward!

Ken Blanchard likes to say “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” But if this is true, why is this meal avoided by some as though it consists of rotting fish and raw eggs?

Most of us have a similar reaction when we hear the words “I have some feedback for you”—a feeling of dread in the pit of the stomach; a fine sheen of sweat that forms at the brow. Feedback may be breakfast, but nausea often follows.

I am now a self-professed feedback junkie, but trust me—I have not always loved feedback. I can still remember the first bit of really tough feedback I received in my professional career. I fought it with a vengeance, sought excuses to explain it away, and railed against the person who delivered it.

I didn’t change—and I didn’t care—until several weeks later. That’s when, during a meeting, I heard the exact type of comment come out of my mouth that I had been given feedback about.

It was a watershed moment for me. I committed to voraciously seeking feedback from others and to treating pieces of feedback as compass points for professional and personal expansion. Over time, I learned to love it.

How about you? What’s your response to feedback? Here’s what I learned:

Be proactive in asking for it. This is the most critical step to harnessing the power of feedback: take the initiative to seek it out frequently from people you interact with. Be transparent about your desire to learn and improve—and express your gratitude to them for helping you grow. By doing so, you make it safe for others to share observations—and for them to perhaps feel brave enough to ask the same favor of you!

Choose the right questions. When requesting feedback, avoid questions that are broad or vague. Consider the areas where you would like to grow and craft thoughtful questions that will garner an equally thoughtful response. Some of my favorite questions are:

• How can I be a better partner to you?
• How do you feel about my communication style? Am I giving you everything you need?
• Is there anything you’d like me to understand about how your job works?
• One goal I am working on right now is (insert goal here). Would you be open to providing me with ongoing feedback about my progress toward this goal?

Take time for reflection. Sometimes, even when we ask for it, feedback can be tough to digest. That’s okay. Give yourself time and grace to process these types of responses and unpack your feelings. Compare your own beliefs to the feedback and talk to a trusted friend or family member about it. Remember: we all have blind spots about ourselves and there is power in discovering them so that we are blind no more. Knowledge is power—and information on how others perceive you is invaluable.

Incorporate the feedback into your goals. Once you have processed the feedback, brainstorm concrete behaviors or actions you can adopt that will allow you to address the areas at hand. Perhaps you can take a class, begin steps to break a bad habit, or incorporate a new practice into your workday. Share your intentions with your manager or a trusted colleague and ask for their help in accountability tracking your progress.

Feedback doesn’t have to be something to be avoided. On the contrary; it can be a great gift from one person to another. Take control of feedback: actively pursue it and make it work for you!

Why don’t more managers schedule regular one-on-ones? Time pressure is one factor but sometimes uncertainty on what to discuss can also be a problem. But as this story explains, managers are not expected to have all the answers.

Ready to take a second look at one-on-ones? Here are three posts to offer you help and encouragement if you are ready to make one-on-ones a part of your management skill set in 2017.

Could You Be More Coach-like in Your One-on-One Conversations? Consistently, the data shows strong correlations between a leader’s coaching effectiveness and measures of employee commitment…

Need More Time? How Recurring One-on-One Meetings Can Help I recently coached an ambitious sales person with ten direct reports after he attended a three-day Managing People workshop…

Getting the Most from Your One-on-One Conversations: 6 Tips for Managers and Team Members A recent survey conducted by Training magazine found that 89 percent of those polled want to meet with their manager at least monthly, and 44 percent want …

“We’ve worked with more than 15,000 leaders since we opened the Coaching Services division back in 2000. Much of our work deals with helping people first understand the impact of their natural tendencies and habits and then sharpen their communication skills.”

In a recent interview for the November issue of Ignite, Blanchard recommends three basics as a starting point for leaders looking to improve—goal setting, listening, and feedback.

“Most leaders aren’t as good at setting goals as they think they are. It seems so obvious and simple, but it actually takes a lot of imagination and creative brain power. Leaders often think direct reports should already know what they need to do and should be able to set their own goals, but unless people are taught how to do it and given some solid support, it just doesn’t happen. Very few people have their goals written down and chunked into deliverables, with specific timelines.”

Listening is another area where leaders fall short, in Blanchard’s experience.

“Many leaders think that the most senior person should do most of the talking, when it really is the other way around. When employees are free to express themselves they ultimately learn more, become more innovative, and get better at problem solving. I have a big red stop sign in my office with the word WAIT printed on it in big letters—it stands for Why Am I Talking?” Because when I am talking, I am not listening—and as a coach and a leader, listening is what I need to be doing.

Feedback is a continual trouble spot for leaders.  Blanchard recommends that leaders ask themselves a key question before deciding to address the issue.

“Try this. Before providing feedback on performance, ask yourself this question: Am I delivering this feedback because it is something my direct report needs to hear—or is this just something I feel I need to say? If it is something you feel you need to say because you have a strong opinion or because you just want to vent, do it—but not with your direct report. Share it with your own boss or with your coach, spouse, or therapist. It’s your issue—not your employee’s.”

Blanchard cautions that this doesn’t mean leaders should be talking about an employee’s issue with others. She makes it clear that feedback on performance needs to be delivered directly to the person involved.

“I am very upfront with my people. I promise that any feedback I have for them will be shared only with them. That’s a fundamental coaching ethic. I’m also clear that I expect the same in return. If they have an issue with me, I insist they discuss it directly with me. If either of us is discussing feedback issues with others, we are gossiping—and that is damaging to our relationship and to the organization.”

You can read more of Blanchard’s recommendations for leaders—including a final area that needs to be addressed—by accessing the complete November issue of Ignite.

PS: Also check out the complimentary webinar Blanchard is conducting to help leaders become more coach-like in their conversations with their people.  The event is free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

This guest post is by Lynn McCreery.

Managers sometimes have difficulty focusing on both people and results.  They want associates to feel excited about their work, but also need them to perform. Many managers feel they have to choose—and most choose results, focusing on people only when improvement is needed.

If organizations want to create a more balanced coaching culture, leaders need to change their mindset and behaviors. They must acquire the skills to have effective conversations with their direct reports—conversations that not only make people feel safe and valued but also lead to decisions and actions that help them grow and unleash their full potential.

Madeleine Homan Blanchard, Scott Blanchard, and Linda Miller of The Ken Blanchard Companies have created a simple framework and key skills that enable managers to master four basic conversations.  Professional coaches use these skills all the time. They can help any leader focus on helping people develop and move forward with planned actions.

• First, create a safe context for a discussion by building rapport through being present both nonverbally and verbally.
• Second, get the conversation focused around the direct report’s needs by identifying what will be most useful for the person. Be specific about the topic to be discussed without conveying judgment in tone or words.
• Third, involve and engage the direct report in finding solutions and determining next steps by asking open-ended questions that encourage problem solving.
• Fourth, reach clear agreement with the person about timelines and help them take accountability for their actions.

With a little practice, leaders can make a positive change—from focusing judgmentally on what is wrong and listening only with the intent to solve the problem at hand to having safe conversations about development and action.

Identifying areas for improvement is a necessary part of coaching. But don’t get so wrapped up in results that you forget about developing your people and helping them move forward.

About the Author

Lynn McCreery is a Senior Consulting Partner for The Ken Blanchard Companies. Check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

This got me thinking. What makes us want to work with certain people? If we could choose our dream team, what would we look for? It would most likely depend on the task at hand—and, most likely, everyone’s team would be a bit different. That being said, I made a list of what I would look for if I were forming a team.

Each person I choose would:

• Have respect for one another and for me.
• Get on with things and think outside the box.
• Feel free to ask for help if needed.
• Have a solution in mind when coming to me with a problem.
• Be organized and adhere to timelines.
• Have a skill set that matches the tasks at hand.

Now I’d like you to have a think about who would be on your dream team and what qualities they would possess.  Is your list of qualities the same as mine or a little different?

In reality, of course, very rarely do we get to choose our teams. More often, teams are chartered and we learn about team dynamics as well as individual qualities of each team member after the fact. The entire team then begins the important work of understanding one another and building on each other’s strengths—which leads to the trust and confidence Ron Howard described.

Taking a minute to understand what we value, and to ask new teammates about their values, can be a great way to begin opening up to the contributions we need from others.

Practice this little exercise.  It helped me get clearer on what I want from the teams I work on. I think it will help you, too.

These gaps are found in performance planning and performance review discussions as well as day-to-day coaching. According to a supporting white paper, this disparity translates into lowered employee intention to perform at a high level, apply discretionary effort, or even stay with the organization.

It’s a problem that needs to be addressed immediately, says Scott Blanchard, principal and EVP with The Ken Blanchard Companies. From Blanchard’s perspective, managers should meet with their direct reports weekly or at least biweekly to review progress, give feedback, and provide additional direction and support as needed.

“All good performance begins with clear goals. It’s about getting people focused and setting their priorities so that they know where they are going,” says Blanchard.

“Next, it’s about identifying the skills and motivation a direct report brings to a particular goal or task. Is it something brand new to the person that will require a lot of direction, or is it something they have experience doing? The manager needs to provide the right combination of direction and support to match the employee’s level of competence and commitment on the goal or task.”

In a recent article for his company’s Ignite! newsletter, Blanchard explains that the challenge for a manager is to be able to provide all four of the different styles of leadership people need based on their ability to accomplish a task. He points to research that shows most managers are adept at delivering only one style of leadership out of the four—for example, only directing or only supporting.

“Only 1 percent of managers we’ve worked with were already able to adjust the levels of direction and support they provided their direct reports based on specific needs. The good news is this is a skill that can be learned.”

Blanchard believes job one for a manager is to create commitment and clarity with people about where they’re going and what they’re doing. After that, the manager must make time to check in and evaluate progress on a regular—think weekly—basis.

“The best managers conduct these check-ins frequently by way of structured conversations with each direct report. This is more difficult than it sounds. Consider all of the projects being worked on by all of a manager’s direct reports. The manager needs to make sure they know which project is being reviewed. They may need four or five different conversations with a given employee depending on how many projects need to be discussed.”

Blanchard explains that the smart manager takes a situational approach to communication: they look at competence, confidence, and motivation to decide which management approach works best.

“It’s about flexing your leadership style based on what the direct report needs in a specific role. More than ever in today’s world, managers need to stop for a moment and think about the individual they are speaking with, the type of conversation they are having, how productive the conversation is, and how the direct report feels—and then decide on the best words to say.”

Getting Started

Blanchard encourages leaders to take the time to develop additional management skills.

“It can be a challenge at first, but it can be learned. We believe the success or failure of a manager hinges on the quality of the conversations they have with their people. Great managers know how to have useful conversations—how to talk things through, resolve issues, create clarity, and keep things moving forward. The capacity to learn how to have successful performance management conversations creates the foundational skill all managers need to succeed.”

Interested in learning more? 

Learning and talent development executives are invited to join Blanchard for a free special online event October 26.

Leadership 201: Developing a Leadership Curriculum for Midlevel Managers

October 26, 2016, at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

In this webinar, Scott Blanchard will share the advanced skills needed in any leadership development program aimed at midlevel managers. Drawing on the key principles from Situational Leadership® II, Blanchard will share the recommended components learning and talent development professionals should focus on when they create a midlevel manager curriculum, including:

• The Five Elements of Advanced Goal Setting: A new take on the popular SMART Goal model that puts a special emphasis on motivation. Managers draw people into aligned goals instead of constantly having to hold them accountable to overall organization objectives.
• The Four Stages of Development: How to identify the starting mindset of direct reports on new tasks; also, the four stages of development all people pass through when taking on a new goal or project.
• How to Flex Your Leadership Style: The steps required for a leader to develop beyond a comfortable, default leadership style in order to provide appropriate direction and support for every direct report.

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn about the essential skill components midlevel managers need to succeed in today’s diverse and fast-paced work environment. Discover the components you should be considering as a part of your leadership development offerings.

Surprisingly, while meetings should include discussions about goals and objectives, it’s not happening as often as it should.

Survey participants were polled on a wide variety of issues related to one-on-one meetings—including frequency, duration, and topics discussed.  In three key performance management areas—goal setting, goal review, and performance feedback, respondents identified a serious gap between how often they discussed these topics versus how often they wish they were discussing them.

Here are some of the key takeaways:

Goal Setting Conversations—Some 70 percent of people want to have goal-setting conversations often or all the time, but only 36 percent actually do. And 28 percent say they rarely or never discuss future goals and tasks.

Goal Review Conversations—Some 73 percent of people want to have goal review conversations often or all the time, but only 47 percent actually do. And 26 percent say they rarely or never discuss current goals and tasks.

Performance Feedback Conversations—Some 67 percent of people want to have performance feedback conversations often or all the time, but only 29 percent actually do. And 36 percent say they rarely or never receive performance feedback.

IMPLICATIONS FOR LEADERS

The performance management literature is clear on the importance of setting goals, providing feedback, and reviewing performance on a frequent basis. How is your organization doing with helping managers get together with direct reports to set goals, provide feedback, or discuss direction and support where needed?

If people haven’t been meeting as regularly as they should, use this survey data as a starting point to encourage managers and direct reports to schedule their next one-on-one soon. People want and need to have conversations with their immediate supervisors. It’s one of the foundations for strong, productive relationships that align people with the work of the organization in a satisfying and meaningful way. Don’t wait—your people and better performance are waiting!

*Learn more about the original survey and view the complete results by downloading the Blanchard white paper Are Employees’ Needs Being Met by One-on-Ones?  Also check out Blanchard’s brand new look into The Problem with Performance Review, just released this month.

Want to share the infographic?  Use these links to download a PDF or PNG version.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly experienced manager, but I have reached my limit with one of my people—let’s call her Sam. She is extremely competent and up until about a year ago she was very reliable. Since then, it seems as if it has been one crisis after another.

First, one of her kids was sick and it took a long time to get a diagnosis. Sam was out of work constantly, either consulting doctors or at home with her child. It turned out to be Lyme disease—which is no joke—and I feel bad, but her work really took a hit.

Then her mom got kicked out of her rental and had to move in with Sam. Her mom had multiple health problems requiring more trips to the doctor. About a month ago, things got more complicated when her mom fell and broke her hip. This required moving her into assisted living, which had to be researched and arranged by Sam. I am pretty sure she is helping to pay for it, too.

The net result is that Sam is constantly calling in sick, coming in late, and needing to leave early. There is an ex-husband in the picture who doesn’t help out at all. When Sam is here, she is distracted. She seems to be her family’s sole source of support and it would make me feel like a terrible person if I let her go.

Our work requires people to be at their desks and available to customers and Sam is not holding up her end. Her co-workers are getting frustrated and are looking to me to do something. The last time I tried to discuss this with her, she burst into tears and we had to end the conversation.

It’s Always Something

Dear It’s Always Something

This is a really tough situation. It worries me that you don’t seem to have support for Sam through the HR department in your organization. You should definitely be discussing this with your boss. Your company must have some employee assistance policies—some programs in place that she could lean on for support.

As a working mom, I can attest to how fiendishly difficult it is to work full time while raising kids, so that may color my objectivity on this issue. Today many people in the workforce are juggling madly, racing from home to daycare to school to work and back home again to start their second shift. In my experience, working mothers get more done in less time than other people because they have to. Throw in the aging parent angle and things get exponentially more difficult.

In this case, it sounds like Sam is a good employee when things are stable. I recommend that you brainstorm how to arrange Sam’s schedule to give her the flexibility she needs to get her job done. Perhaps she could work a few days from home. Or maybe you could change up her hours so she covers the phone early mornings.

You are also going to need to persevere through some emotion and have a real conversation with her.

People cry—okay, more women than men, according to research—and they cry at work; usually in the bathroom. It’s not the end of the world and it does not signify an end to the conversation. All it means is that the person is experiencing deep emotions. It happens. It is part of being human. Deep emotions can get in the way of thinking straight, so it is actually useful to let Sam experience them and get them out of the way, so that the two of you can get on with things. Get a box of tissues, let Sam cry, and wait until she gets through it and composes herself.

Lay out the problem. Tell her you are on her side and you appreciate that she is an excellent employee who has had some real challenges. Communicate that you really want to find a way for her to do what she needs to do for her family while also doing what needs to be done to help you and the team meet your goals. Engage her in solving the problem; you never know what kind of a solution will present itself. She might cry some more. No big deal; just hand over the tissues.

Regarding the issue of your team getting annoyed with Sam, there might be an opportunity here to pull the team together around supporting her. Who knows who will be next in line to win the lousy luck lottery? Wouldn’t it be nice for everyone to know that the whole team will rally around them if they have a really bad month? Or year?

And yes, it is possible that you may not be able to work this out. But I would say you owe it to your own development as a manager, and to your employee, to explore every avenue. If things do work out, you will have retained a loyal employee. And if they don’t, you’ll know you gave it your very best shot.

Good luck to both you and Sam.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Effective leaders must know how to conduct difficult conversations with employees. Because of the common perception that conflict at work is bad, it’s no surprise that so many leaders shy away from having these discussions.

I don’t know that I’d ever want to jump out of an airplane, but I recently had my first difficult conversation with a direct report. I knew if I didn’t address the problem, things could escalate and become worse than they already were—but knowing that didn’t make the task any easier. This was new ground and I felt uncomfortable. But because I knew how important it was, I took a deep breath, closed the office door, and we had the discussion.

Now, having made it to the other side of that conversation with the working relationship still intact, I want to share 9 things I wish someone had told me to help me prepare for the experience.

1. Don’t let fear hold you back

Before resolving to have that necessary yet uncomfortable conversation, I found myself silently seething about issues I could have easily done something about. Looking back, I know this wasn’t healthy for me or for my working relationship with the team. My regret is that I held off taking action because I didn’t want to be seen as overstepping the mark—especially because I was new to the team.

2. Manage your emotions and preconceptions

Many people have worked in environments where emotions had to be left at the door. In fact, I got in trouble at a previous job when I came to work in tears after being in a car accident! As human beings, sometimes it isn’t possible for us to hide our emotions—particularly if they are strong or have been stewing for some time. A challenging conversation is more likely than others to become emotional. What starts as annoyance may escalate into sadness, frustration, or even anger. If you notice this starting to happen during a difficult discussion, as the leader you must manage your own emotions, be professional and mindful of the direct report’s feelings, and keep things under control. Remember, the other person deserves respect—even if you disagree with what they say.

3. Preparation is key

When a challenging conversation is necessary, take time to plan how you’re going to open the discussion and approach the subject, as well as what you want the outcome to be. I found that making a few notes and having them for reference helped me remember my key points and kept the conversation from veering off topic—so don’t be afraid to use notes.

It’s important to open the conversation with the exact topic and behaviours you need to address. This allows the conversation to move forward and clarifies the reason for the meeting.

Imagine the ideal outcome for the conversation. Focus your notes on everything that needs to be covered and the meeting is more likely to come to a successful conclusion.

4. Keep things friendly, relaxed, and conversational

I asked some of my close friends with leadership experience what they would do to make a difficult conversation more successful. The resounding answer was “Have tea or coffee, and biscuits.”

If this is the first time you have had a particular conversation, it should be informal, relaxed, and conversational. Talk to your direct report as a friend, not as their manager. This first discussion is about raising the other person’s awareness and nipping the situation in the bud. It’s about redirecting, not reprimanding.

5. Ask the right questions

Ask open-ended questions—ones that require more than just a yes or no answer. You might find that the issue is not as straightforward as it seems. Also, this gives the person a better chance to express their viewpoint and maintains a relaxed atmosphere.

6. Listen carefully

It’s all very well and good to ask the right questions, but it’s useless unless you are giving your full attention to the responses coming from the direct report. Listen with the aim of understanding. If you don’t understand, ask clarifying questions.

7. Cooperate, support one another, and agree on how to move forward

The final part of your conversation should be positive. Work together to learn how you can best offer support to your direct report and what specific behaviours of theirs need improvement going forward.  If necessary, set up another meeting to review progress.

8. It might not be as bad as you think

Generally, people want to do well. Team members want to achieve and to do the right thing. Don’t underestimate the human need to succeed and to be liked. You may find that your direct report didn’t even realise their behaviour was off track. Often, poor performance or misbehaviour is a result of misunderstanding and not intentional.

9. Get higher level support

You don’t have to do this on your own. Ask someone at a higher management level if you can go to them when you have questions or need support in this area. Knowing someone has your back can work wonders, especially when it comes to gaining the confidence you need to have challenging conversations. The person doesn’t need to participate in the discussion, only to be available to give guidance when you need it.

Telling a direct report they are not meeting expectations is not an easy task but is an important part of leadership. Use these tips to help you tackle those all-important conversations with team members—no skydiving involved—as soon as problems arise. You will gain the respect of your team members by showing them you won’t shy away from conflict when a challenging conversation is necessary.

Do you have any other tips or advice for leaders about conducting difficult conversations and redirecting people’s behaviour? Make sure you share them in the comments!

Cloud shares the importance of recognizing the impact that others have on your success. He explains how every significant act in your life always includes someone else.  How are you being influenced by others—and how are you influencing the key people in your life?

Cloud also shares a unique “four corner” model that helps you identify relationships that are toxic and lead to feelings of disconnectedness, inferiority, or feeling fake.  He describes how to move beyond these three negative corners and lead yourself and others into honest, authentic relationships where people thrive.

Cloud discusses strategies for moving beyond a good/bad mindset by creating a language and using a process that leads to real conversations that help people move forward. Whether it’s in a one-on-one conversation, or in a team setting, you’ll learn strategies to improve trust, feedback, and performance.

And don’t miss the final minutes of the podcast when Ken Blanchard joins in at the end of the interview to share his thoughts and key takeaways!

Listen to the podcast here:

A new book by Michael Bungay Stanier, The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever, just might be the solution every well-meaning manager has been looking for. I finished the book during my recent vacation. (I can hear the groans—Reading a business book on vacation; really?—but it was definitely worth it.) Stanier, an acclaimed executive coach and former coach of the year in his native Canada, shares seven questions any manager can use to increase their leadership effectiveness—especially during One on Ones.

I don’t want to give it all away here—you really need to read the book to appreciate the nuance and genius of what Stanier shares, but in a nutshell the seven questions are

1. What’s on your mind? A brilliantly simple way to open up a one-on-one conversation, invite people to share, and get at what is most important in the moment
2. And what else? Three little words that open up possibilities, insights, and increased self-awareness
3. What’s the real challenge here for you? The question that slows down the rush to find the first answer instead of solving the real problem
4. What do you want? Taking the time to discover the need and the desired outcome that makes charting the journey easier
5. How can I help? Insisting on a clear direct request that you as a leader can respond to
6. What will you say no to if you’re truly saying yes to this? Life is about choices. This question identifies the tough trade-offs.
7. What was most useful for you? Gathering feedback and extracting value from the conversation

If you are a well-meaning manager who wants to have more-productive conversations with your people, try these questions. Bonus: They also work great for those work-related conversations at home—you know, right after you ask, “How was your day?” You’ll see the power of these questions immediately.

For those interested in learning more about the method behind the magic, be sure to check out all the praise and positive reviews on Amazon. See why Dan Pink, Brené Brown, and Dave Ulrich, along with 300 other positive reviewers, are so excited—including me!

Conducting successful One on Ones are a key leadership competency. Learn how asking these seven questions can help you be the manager you want to be.

About the Author

David Witt is the Program Director for The Ken Blanchard Companies. A business-focused writer, researcher, and speaker, David is the editor and lead columnist for The Ken Blanchard Companies Ignite! online newsletter, moderator of the company’s LeaderChat blog, and host of the company’s monthly webinar programming.

But that’s not all. Leaders who use coaching skills are more likely to retain their key people as well as have more productive teams. This in turn generally translates into a positive effect on the organization’s bottom line. When the leader uses a coach approach to foster direct reports’ development, everyone benefits.

One of the key areas that Zenger and Stinnett focus on is conversation, which they look at from two aspects:

1. What should we talk about?
2. How was that for you?

Both of these questions get at a major source of problems when managers and direct reports have one-on-one conversations. First, rarely are the conversations about a topic the direct report wants to discuss. (Most managers discuss what is important to them as a leader and assume that it is also of value to the team member.) Second, leaders rarely ask for feedback after the conversation to see if it met the needs of the direct report. As a result, one-on-one meetings are hardly ever as effective as they could be.

The best coaches—and the best leaders—know that the greatest amount of personal change occurs when it is a partnership. From a leader’s perspective this means talking less and listening more. It also means learning how to ask effective coaching questions and how to be in service of their people’s ongoing development.

Specifically, Zenger and Stinnett recommend that leaders use a Coaching Topic Checklist as a tool for structuring one-on-one conversations. Their approach is to have the direct report choose from a series of possible topics ranging from, “The progress I am making in my career,” to “How I could contribute more to the organization,” and even more tactical like, “How to handle a specific challenge.”

Through it all, they suggest leaders consider a coaching mind-set, which promotes discovery and growth and frequent stops to check in for feedback on effectiveness.

Many people would say that their best managers were those who used a coach approach to partner with them in achieving their goals. Do you currently use a coach approach when interacting with your people? If not, could it be time to learn? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Hi Madeleine,

I work in the health profession and I’ve just accepted a position in management at a new facility. I don’t know the staff at all. All I know is that the senior leadership wants a change in the management at the facility.

What advice would you have on how to tackle a new job at a new place with a heavy agenda? What should I do first???

 New Healthcare Leader

Dear New Healthcare Leader,

Well, congratulations! Isn’t this exciting? It sounds like you have a great opportunity here! I can’t tell from your letter if the facility is new overall, or if it is just new to you. If it is actually new, this could be good because you won’t have the burden of history—it can be hard to make changes when it’s “always been done that way.”

If it is just new to you, you will need to spend some time asking questions and listening to understand the culture of the organization. Working with people to change things begins with understanding and meeting them where they are.

In terms of change, you will want to press senior leadership to understand what exactly the prior management did wrong, so you don’t repeat those mistakes. If they won’t tell you, it was probably something illegal, immoral, or both. I imagine this won’t be a problem for you.

What they must tell you though is what a good job looks like. This answers the question, “How will you know you are successful?” You say “heavy agenda” but you have to make sure you know what it really is. Ask them for crystal-clear goals, and if they don’t provide them, come up with your own and present them for approval. Some senior leaders simply don’t have the skills or the patience to articulate the vision or the goals of the organization, so if they won’t do it, do it for yourself.

Once you have your goals set, work with your people to get their goals super clear. Also, spend as much time as you can getting to know your people and assessing their strengths. Work with each of them to ensure that their goals leverage their skills, interests, and talents.

Once everybody knows what they are supposed to be doing, make sure they are getting the proper direction and support they need to do it. Make sure everyone, including you, has a short-term goal that they can achieve so that you all have the experience of early success together. Share stories of any and all wins. People will remember stories and it will feel good.

Finally, we have a lot of books here at The Ken Blanchard Companies, but the definitive one on this topic is not by Ken or any of us. It is The First 90 Days by Michael Watkins and I have worked through the book with many clients. Google it, read summaries, and be sure to look at the templates of what to do in your first 30, 60, and 90 days. I highly recommend it.

Best of luck in your new role!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Did he think I was fat? Did he not love and admire my beautiful self anymore? Or was it something else entirely?

Turns out he saw how hard I work, putting long hours in the office and then even more hours in the evening, all sitting at a computer. He’s read the studies about sedentary lifestyles and has been thinking about being an empty-nester.

Turns out he wants to spend time with me doing fun things that are going to take some physical strength—like hiking Half Dome in Yosemite!

Constructive feedback can be hard to give and hard to receive. Here are 3 ways  to make giving feedback a bit easier.

Be aware of your own feelings and intentions. Are you angry? Frustrated? Worried that your feedback will derail the receiver? Nervous about giving feedback? There are lots of reasons we avoid giving feedback—and our own mindset plays a big part in how the feedback will be received. Be aware of this and manage it effectively. Trust me; my husband would never say “You look fat in those jeans”—but he does notice if I complain about being out of breath when I take a quick walk around the block with the dog.

Here are 3 lines to say to yourself in preparation for giving feedback.

1. Describe your feelings about the upcoming feedback: “I’m feeling…”
2. State how you want to feel: “I want to feel…”
3. Be clear about your intentions: “I’m giving feedback because…”

3½. (Bonus tip): take a couple of deep breaths before the feedback conversation.

Be authentic. Yes, it’s an overused word, but that’s because it’s effective.  Even though feedback isn’t all about you, your feelings and thoughts do play a critical role in the conversation. My husband bought the membership but never said “Hey, let’s plan a romantic getaway to Yosemite. I want you to enjoy it, and I’m concerned that right now you won’t be able to.”

Share what you are feeling, but sparingly. Try variations of these 3 statements:

1. “I care about you, and I’m a bit (feeling) about giving you feedback.”
2. “I want (desired outcome) for us in this conversation.”
3. “I think (a thought about  giving feedback).” Example: “I think this feedback will help us work together more effectively.”

Listen, listen, listen. The person receiving feedback may have an emotional reaction. They may want to process their feelings by explaining context, or they may just need to talk through the feedback.  Ask these 3 questions—and follow with deep listening.

1. “Can you say more about that?”
2. “If you were to do something differently in the future, what would it be?”
3. “What can I do to help us avoid this in the future?”

When I didn’t act excited about the gym membership, my husband was surprised—until he listened to my thoughts and feelings about it.  The more he heard from me, the more chagrined he was.  His ability to listen gave us the opportunity to have a really great conversation. Now we are on the same page—and Yosemite was fabulous!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

As I read through the results, I realised how important it is to ask questions like this. People are obviously looking for different things from their companies and their leaders.

To that end, I have a question for you: As a leader, have you ever sat down with each of your employees, one to one, and asked, “What makes you feel valued?” or “How can I serve you?”

This is the starting point. After you receive an initial answer, dig a little deeper. You may be surprised at what you learn. Let me give you some examples from three of the topics identified above.

Appreciation/Recognition

Suppose someone answered your question by saying “I want to be appreciated.” You might think you know what they mean by that statement, but keep in mind that everyone is different. One person may define appreciation as a pat on the back and another may be thinking of a raise in salary. Take the time to find out what appreciation means to that person. Assume nothing. 

Flexibility

The same goes for flexibility. If a person says “I need more flexibility,” are they asking for more control over their schedule, over their tasks, or both? Keep an open mind. (Note: as of June 30, 2014, all employees in the UK have the right to request flexible working hours.)

When the Olympics were held in the UK, many employers let their people work from home to beat the traffic. The mayor of London at the time, Boris Johnson, said he thought working from home would encourage people to waste time. However, companies surveyed by the Telegraph said during that time their employees actually were more productive—and it fostered a positive work-from-home perception. So don’t be afraid to test out new ideas on a trial basis!

Opportunities for Growth 

Growth is a big issue these days. However, it gets tough when a company that is not performing well isn’t able to offer traditional growth opportunities such as promotions. Instead of throwing up your hands, consider other ways you could get creative with growth. This will not only help employees feel valued but also could assist the company in exploring different options.

A recent Gallup survey showed that, worldwide, only 13 percent of employees are engaged at work. This is a scary number. Five of the questions Gallup uses to measure engagement are directly aimed at leaders asking questions and caring about the answers.

So get together with each of your people and ask them questions about what they need and value. You’ll not only learn what makes them tick, you’ll also let them know you care about them as individuals.

This Coaching Tuesday guest post is by Lynn McCreery.

In a world that sometimes seems increasingly divisive, wary, and isolating, I often think about the role coaches and leaders play in creating the proper environment for the people we lead and influence. We are there to help them feel safe and confident in knowing our primary focus is to help them—and the organization they serve—reach their potential.

I always smile when Ken Blanchard asks audiences “How many of you want to make the world a better place?” All the hands go up. “How many of you have a plan for making that happen?” All the hands go down. It may sound simple, but if we really want to make a difference in the lives of people around us, perhaps we need to start by looking at the quality of our personal interactions.

• First, consider if we are helping others move forward. Our goal is to help people grow; help them figure out what they need to be the best they can be; and help them unleash their power, their potential, and their passion about themselves and what they can accomplish. We want people to see not only the specifics of what they are trying to accomplish but also the relevance and attainability of the goal. We also want them to examine their motivation. Where do they want to be—and how do they get there?
• Second, are we listening? Do we listen with the intent to understand and to be influenced? Do we explore and ask questions to discover the real issues? Do we acknowledge what we have heard before jumping in with what we think? Coaching and leading are all about helping people discover their capabilities and what they need to move forward.
• Third, let’s all take a closer look at the language we use when we try to help. Are we being specific and non-judgmental? Often times, we use words and phrases that sound a lot like judgment and evaluation: You don’t take initiative. You don’t put in enough effort. You don’t take ownership. Sometimes we make matters worse by suggesting non-specific ways to change, such as You need to be more accountable. You need to improve your leadership. You need to get better. Evaluating someone’s performance without providing a clear picture of how they can improve leads only to defensiveness.
• Fourth, do we as leaders and coaches always affirm the other person? Do we convey that we value and respect each person we are talking to? Do they leave the conversation knowing some actions to take and believing more in their ability to improve and achieve their goals? Do they walk away with an enhanced sense of self?

Many people will tell you that the world is in need of a new leadership model. I agree. The question is whether we have a plan for making that happen. Maybe if our actions and words convey that we listen, care, and are available for support, we can help our part of the world move forward. Your thoughts?

About the Author

Lynn McCreery is a Senior Consulting Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Dear Madeleine,

I am in my early 30s, new to management but with 11 years’ experience in high profile financial roles—private equity, investment banking—coupled with an MBA from a top school.

I work for a midsized nonprofit as executive director of their affordable housing division comprising two functions. I run one function and a director named “Sarah” runs the other, which has 100 employees.

Sarah reports to me. She is in her mid-40s and has 25 years of experience in the industry—two with our firm. She barely finished high school but grew her career over a few decades with, no doubt, hard work. She is very good at her job. Sarah also carries a considerable amount of emotional baggage as she has been a victim of domestic abuse and poverty in the past—experiences that make her an authentic nurturer to the low income residents we work with. Please note that Sarah was involved in the hiring process for my position.

On my second day in this new role, Sarah entered my office to vent about an issue involving our department and an employee of another department. It was clear to me the issue stemmed from this employee’s lack of specific training. When Sarah made it clear she had no solution to the problem, I asked her if she thought this employee would benefit from training in this particular issue. Sarah’s face turned red and she stormed out of my office and into hers, closing the door. I approached her after a 15-minute cool down and she asserted that I was taking the side of this external employee. She also stated that when she is angered, she prefers to leave the situation. I asked her to consider talking through her frustration with me next time.

Day seven on my job, Sarah and I had our first formal one-on-one meeting. We reviewed some minor proposed changes to our mission statement, at her request. We had agreed to pick two or three versions and let our CEO give direction from there. After listening to her thoughts and putting a few of them on the list, I offered my off-the-cuff version—a near duplicate of our parent company’s mission statement. Sarah immediately said my version was a nonstarter for her and she would never work for an organization with that mission statement.

I asked Sarah to expand on her perspective. Once again, her face went red and she said, “You are so frustrating, I don’t even know what to say to you.” I could feel another walkout coming on, so I sat forward in my chair and said, in a gentle yet serious tone, that we needed to find a way to handle conflict in a healthy and respectful manner. She went quiet and the meeting ended shortly thereafter.

I was called into the CEO’s office later that morning. Sarah had reported to him that when I leaned forward in my chair, because of her background of domestic violence, her instinct told her I was going to attack her. I explained the situation, highlighted her walkout from day two, and asked for the CEO’s guidance. He told me I needed to earn people’s respect, be accommodating to interpretations of my behavior, and, essentially, tread lightly around Sarah.

Over the next few months, my relationship with Sarah improved only slightly but was cordial. The CEO continued to reinforce to me that I was to be no more than an open door and check signer to Sarah. This confused me as it is a direct contradiction to my job description—and the board looks to me as the executive director of the entire group. Sarah also highlighted to me a few times, including once in front of top executives, that I have no idea what goes into her job.

This toxic relationship is painful, and even worse is my CEO’s lack of support. I am sure it stems from his fear of losing Sarah—she is very good at her job and would be hard to replace.

This is the most confusing and anxiety-producing environment I have ever been in. If it continues, either: 1) I’ll get fired, 2) I’ll quit, 3) Sarah will quit, or 4) we will endure a painful existence together and the toxicity will grow.

What are my options?

Feeling Young and Dumb

Dear Feeling Young and Dumb,

Never underestimate the fury of the person passed over for the top job after years of excellent performance. As you said—twice—Sarah is very good at her job. People who do well at their jobs expect the big promotion. The fact that a whippersnapper Ivy League MBA born with a silver spoon in his mouth (which is, I am certain, her assessment) ended up with the job is probably eating her alive with resentment. That is the real issue here. It’s not important whether or not she was involved with your hiring. This is not rational—and the truth is, you will probably never win with her. It doesn’t help matters that you clearly feel superior to her, which I deduced from the language you used about her education and background.

We tend to think that if we are kind and respectful, people won’t be able to tell if we have contempt for them—but we are wrong. People, like dogs, know it when you don’t like them or when you have some kind of judgment about them. Even if you show zero signs of the condescension you obviously feel, Sarah is going to sense it and feel threatened. So one thing you might try is taking a cold hard look at yourself. Examine your nonverbal behaviors including facial expressions—even the teeniest ones—as well as the language you use that might give away that you know you’re smarter and more educated than she is. And just so you know: because you do this with her, you probably do it with others as well. Now would be an excellent time in your career to get a handle on what could be a career limiting character flaw.

I appreciate that you feel you are in an impossible position, because you pretty much are. Sarah is not only deeply aggrieved, but also dedicated to seeing you fail—and she probably doesn’t even realize it. Everything you tell me about her history and her behavior points to a downward spiral and puts her in a fight-or-flight state whenever you are near. Your CEO’s advice may be confusing, but he is right—and you have to follow it if you want to keep this situation from devolving further. As you implied, Sarah will be harder to replace than you will. The only way you are going to earn her trust is to back off and stay out of her way. A few months? I would say it will take you a minimum of three years of staying out of her way and you may just win her over. Your assessment of the four options sounds about right, although I would add a fifth: Find ways to add value to the organization and prove your worth in ways that do not involve Sarah or her group. This may be difficult, but it is your best bet if you want to stay with the organization.

I am afraid I am being awfully tough on you, and for that I am truly sorry. This is a really hard situation. There is a good chance you won’t be able to find a way to win, but what would be really tragic is if you didn’t learn an awful lot about yourself and others in the process. Growth experiences are usually fairly painful, and this is certainly one of those.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

• I thought I needed to have all of the answers
• I thought I needed to be authoritative and hard otherwise people wouldn’t respect me
• I followed all of the rules & guidelines the company set to the T, 100% of the time
• I never really listened or was open to be persuaded
• I shied away from conflict, until it blew up in my face
• The company set the goals which were very day-to-day focused, e.g., call handling times, etc. I never as a manager set any long term goals for my team or development goals, I simply followed the script, mainly because I didn’t know any different.
• We didn’t celebrate achievements enough.

Knowing what I know now, there are lots of things I would have done differently in my first time manager role. I won’t write them all, because I could be here for days but I’ve noted just a few a below.

• Breathe – You don’t have to answer everybody’s questions straight away. Take five minutes to reflect and stay calm even when stressed.
• Listen – Not just for the sake of letting others talk, but really listen to what people are saying. Be open to being persuaded.
• I wouldn’t have pretended to be something I wasn’t. I am not hard faced and authoritative, quite the opposite. People see through masks, I would have told my truth about who I am, and what I expect from the team.
• I would have set clear expectations and goals for my team, to help them grow and develop. Worked hard to create growth opportunities for my team.
• I would have told myself – Don’t take things so personally! I know that’s easier said than done but I used to beat myself up about not being everything to everyone. Remember you are only human.
• When things weren’t going to plan with the team or team member, I would’ve dealt with the situation there and then and thought about my words very carefully. Asked them about what went wrong, ensure no judgement or blame.
• Asked for help. Quite often in life, we are ashamed to ask for help. I don’t know why, because everyone in life at some point needs direction and or support.

My experience of being a first time manager, and feeling completely overwhelmed happens all of the time. People are promoted because they are good at what they do, many forget that a manager’s role requires a completely different skill set to that of an individual contributor.
What would you have done differently in your first time manager role?  Or if you haven’t been a manager yet, but looking to become one, what is your greatest concern about being a first time manager?
Sarah-Jane Kenny – EMEA Channel Solutions Consultant at the Ken Blanchard Companies

When these same respondents were asked to look at a list of common mistakes and choose the five biggest missteps by leaders, two responses stood out.

Not providing appropriate feedback was chosen by 82 percent of respondents. Failing to listen or involve others came in a close second, cited by 81 percent. (Failing to use an appropriate leadership style, failing to set clear goals and objectives, and failing to develop their people rounded out the respondents’ top five of things leaders most often fail to do when working with others.)

A 700-person follow-up study conducted by Blanchard in 2013 with readers of Training magazine found similar results. In that survey:

• 28 percent of respondents said they rarely or never discussed future goals and tasks with their boss—even though 70 percent wished they did.
• 36 percent said they never or rarely received performance feedback—even though 67 percent wished they did.

Why are communication and feedback such a challenge in today’s workplaces? The fast pace of work and increased workloads are certainly part of the equation—but another possibility is that new managers are not trained in either of these essential skills. Research conducted by the Institute for Corporate Productivity found that 47 percent of organizations do not have a formal training program in place for new managers. Research by leadership development consultancy Zenger Folkman has found that most managers don’t receive training until they are ten years into their managerial careers.

That’s too late. Harvard Business School professor Linda Hill has found that most managers who survive their first year develop habits—good or bad—that they carry with them for the rest of their careers.

The Ken Blanchard Companies believes it is essential for new managers to develop good communication skills as they step into their first leadership roles. In a new first-time manager curriculum, Blanchard identifies four communication skills new managers need to develop as well as four conversations new managers need to master.

Four Essential Communication Skills

• Listen to Learn—a deeper type of listening where the goal for the manager is to hear something that might change their mind, not just prompt a response.
• Inquire for Insight—when the manager uses questions to draw people out and probe for understanding that might not be shared at first.
• Tell Your Truth—being direct in communication in a way that promotes honest observation without assigning blame.
• Express Confidence—conveying a positive attitude toward the other person and toward future conversations, regardless of the subject.

Four Performance Management Conversations to Master

• The Goal Setting Conversation—setting clear objectives: all good performance begins with clear goals.
• The Praising Conversation—noticing and recognizing progress and good performance: catch people doing things right.
• The Redirecting Conversation—providing feedback and direction when performance is off-track: seize the opportunity before the problem escalates.
• The Wrapping Up Conversation—conducting a short, informal review after a task or goal is finished: savor accomplishments and acknowledge learnings

Becoming skilled in each of these areas not only helps new managers get off to a great start but also can help them succeed for years to come. How are your managers doing in these critical areas? You can read more about the Blanchard approach to first-time manager development in the white paper Essential Skills Every First-Time Manager Should Master.

For many of us, true leadership is about being purpose and values driven and putting the needs of those we lead above our own.  We want the heart of a servant leader to be at the core of how we live our lives.

Sometimes it is easy for us to assume that because we want to serve, that we know how to serve.  In our desire to help others we sometimes do not take time to understand what they really need.

Let me give you a personal example. Years ago I was in a conversation with my husband about his job.  He was very frustrated and unhappy.  Trying to be helpful, I went into my consultant role offering what I thought were good suggestions.  His response to me was, “You teach everyone else to listen, why don’t you.”  Ouch—obviously not what he needed even though I was acting with a servant heart.

In Situational Leadership® II (SLII®) we teach leaders how to diagnose the development level of individuals then adjust their leadership style to best serve the needs of the people they work with. We learn that if we go too fast or try to control what someone else does we become, in essence, a micromanager.  Because someone seems to be unsure or has a loss of confidence, we step in thinking we know the answers.  Instead of helping, this often ends up further eroding the other person’s confidence in themselves and their trust in us.  Or we just plain make them mad, like I did with my husband.

To get better at turning our good intentions into effective actions, here are three action steps you can take to make sure your actions are aligned with your intentions.

1. Listen more. Listen with the intent to learn and hear what is truly being said and requested. Be attentive with your body language and/or tone as you acknowledge what you have heard.

2. Take time to fully understand. Explore and ask questions to make sure that you truly understand what the person is talking about. Make sure you are not making assumptions and focusing on what you think they are saying, rather than on what they are truly saying.  Always acknowledge the other person’s point of view.

3. Ask for permission to offer direction. This may be the most critical. Don’t assume you know all the answers.  If you have ideas or thoughts about what the person might do, ask them if it is OK for you to make a suggestion.  They may need to just vent and not be looking for advice at all.

Being a servant leader requires action.  It is about what we do and what we say in relationship to others. In my husband’s case he already knew what he wanted to do.  He did not need me giving him advice.  He just needed to vent. So whether at work or home, when we think we are serving, maybe it is time to just listen and discover what will really assist the other person in meeting their needs. Thus we turn a “serving heart” into “serving actions.”

About the Author

Lynn McCreery is a Senior Consulting Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.

I am sure everyone has experienced talking to someone who was not present. Conversations with a spouse or partner come to mind. I know at times I have shared something with my spouse that I was really excited about or thought was very important and did not get the response I was looking for—or any response at all—with the computer or television taking precedence. I realized my spouse was not fully present with me at the moment.

I have also experienced another’s lack of presence in a work setting. For example, recently I was talking to a colleague while several people were moving and interacting around us. My colleague was barely responding to what I was saying. I felt my colleague was more interested in the people interacting around us and preferred to be with them.

In both of these experiences, I felt disconnected with the person. I also felt that the information I was sharing was not important enough. And I walked away both times feeling deflated.

Have you had similar experiences? How did you feel?

As a professional coach, I’ve learned how important it is to avoid being distracted by my own thoughts in order to be present with another person. As a leader, you need to do the same. When you are fully present with team members, you listen more deeply and also from a curiosity perspective. As a result, team members—like clients—feel heard, understood, and acknowledged. This leads to people feeling safe and secure in their partnership with you. It also increases trust.

Ready to increase your ability to be present with others? Here are four tips for getting started.

• Recap or summarize what the person is sharing. This forces you to listen for understanding and to be curious in your questions in order to understand deeply.

• WAIT (Why Am I Talking?) Stop yourself from prematurely forming opinions and responses. Instead, focus on quieting yourself.

• Do not multi-task. Give the person your full, undivided attention. If the timing is not good, schedule another time to speak with the person.

• Breathe.  In the beginning, spend a few seconds on your breathing to center yourself in order to be present. This will allow you to focus on what is most important at the moment—the person in front of you.

As a coach, I am keenly aware of the importance of being present with my clients. To alleviate distractions before a coaching call, I take conscious steps such as turning the volume off on my phone, closing down my email inbox, shutting my office door, and taking a few deep breaths to center myself. The key for a coach is making the client a priority and closing out everything else to be fully present.

How are you at being present with your direct reports, colleagues, and family members? Try these four tips. I’m sure it will help you in your interactions with others just as it helps me in mine.

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

“As a first-time manager, you want to make a good first impression by demonstrating confidence and capability in managing the work of others. But new managers sometimes get over-invested in people and projects. As a result, they can overreact—getting too excited or upset when things don’t go exactly as planned.”

In the February issue of Ignite, Blanchard shares a story about his own experience.

“I remember being a new parent—you worry about every little thing. Every sniffle is a trip to the emergency room. You find yourself freaking out all the time. But by the time you get to the second kid, you have a whole new perspective. And if you get to a third or fourth, the kids practically raise themselves because you’ve gained experience—you don’t overreact to things like you did before. New managers are sometimes like new parents in that regard.

“As you become experienced as a manager, you are able to respond on a scale that is appropriate. Your energy, tone, and actions are more nuanced. Managers who have been around for a while draw from a larger barrel of knowledge and experience than new managers. They tend to be more patient and calm when things don’t go as planned because they’ve seen it many times before.”

According to Blanchard, experience also teaches managers how to set things up with team members in the beginning so that performance management doesn’t become an emergency issue later on.

Blanchard believes first-time managers need to be prepared for four types of conversations: Goal Setting—to establish performance expectations; Praising—when things are going well; Redirecting—when a mid-course correction is necessary; and Wrapping Up—bringing closure to a task or project. Each of these conversations can pose challenges for new managers.

With skill training and practice, Blanchard believes new managers can get off to a much faster start than they would by using a typical trial and error approach. This can prevent overreactions that can damage a new manager’s reputation and effectiveness.

You can read more of Blanchard’s advice in the February issue of Ignite.  Also be sure to check out the complimentary webinar Blanchard is conducting on February 24—First Time Manager: Performance Management Essentials.  It’s free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Blanchard Companies.

Accept. Accept a compliment rather than turning it away. Accept love in all its glorious forms. Accept feedback as simple information. Accept the soggy graham cracker. Take what is offered with a smile and a little love in your heart. You are worth it!

Listen. Really listen deeply to what is being said—and to what goes unsaid. Go beyond “How are you?” to actually listen to how your colleagues and friends are doing. It means staying focused on the other person in spite of deadlines, ringing phones, and other interruptions. It also means letting go of what you want to say in return, and letting go of judgment about what you hear. Just open the ears and shut the mouth. That’s it.

Believe in others. Little kids have it right. They BELIEVE. You can too. Believe in the best of others. Believe that your friends, colleagues, and complete strangers can achieve their dreams, have their best life ever, meet the perfect partner, lose the last ten pounds, get the promotion, or simply make a needed change. Your belief, bone deep, that others CAN achieve their goals will help them believe it, too.

Play. My nephew knows the value of play. For him, it means time and interaction with his family. He doesn’t care who wins because he celebrates it all. He doesn’t care if the dishes are done, or the reports are written—and yes, those do need to get done—but he knows it’s important to have some fun, too.  When was the last time you simply played? Coloring, football, Monopoly, or our family favorite, “Guess Who?” Making time to play will bring a smile to your face.

Each of these gifts are rich in value and amazing in how they make us feel. They aren’t hard on the wallet and they don’t require hours of wrapping with paper, tape, and bows.

Let me end with a simple “Thank you for coming” and taking the time to read this blog.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

In an article titled, Conflict? Talk It Out, they explain that while most leaders recognize the importance of open and direct communication, many are reluctant to enter into these challenging conversations. That’s a mistake, according to the authors.  Withholding information or avoiding difficult discussions tends to make things worse. Dealing with conflict always calls for more communication, not less.

To help leaders more easily succeed with challenging conversations they face, the authors suggest a five-step process that can help both parties speak up without pushing the other person away.

5 Steps for Tackling Tough Conversations

1. State concerns directly. Communicate in a way that doesn’t alienate the other person. Use “I” statements to describe your experience of the behavior you are seeing and to understand the essence of the issue.
2. Probe for more information to gain a deeper understanding. Be patient and ask open-ended questions. Create a safe and supportive environment that is free of fear.
3. Engage the other party through whole-hearted listening. Listen even when it is uncomfortable. Focus and understand what the other person is saying. Quiet your inner thoughts. Be fully present throughout the conversation.
4. Attend to body language. Be able to spot discrepancies between what you are hearing and what you are seeing. If you notice body language that is inconsistent with what you are hearing, take an extra minute to explore further.
5. Keep forward focused. Resist the urge to move ahead before everyone is ready. It is a delicate balance to make sure everyone has been heard while also keeping the focus on moving the conversation forward. Don’t be in a hurry—sometimes going slower is faster.

Leader who are able to resolve conflict in the workplace and who appreciate the value of different perspectives create a better place to work and live. Leaders who model these qualities demonstrate through their behavior how to convert potentially challenging situations into positive experiences. To learn more about Kalish and Zigarmi’s approach to dealing with emotionally charged conversations, be sure to check out their complete article in the October issue of Talent Management magazine.

And while managers never intend to have unproductive conversations, bad conversational habits can often get in the way of effective communication.  Here are three they recommend that leaders keep an eye on:

Intentionality lapses. Leaders sometimes plunge ahead in an inappropriate setting with negative consequences. For example, you bump into a direct report who has a question, and before you realize it the dialogue touches on topics that are potentially sensitive, emotional, or confrontational. Instead of plunging forward immediately, consider quietly framing the issue in the present and planning a time and place to continue the talk later in the future when it is more appropriate.

Not staying focused on the topic at hand. As a rule, leaders should focus on one subject at a time—especially when a conversation is about feedback or necessary behavior change. Managers need to know how to skillfully address one topic, and if another topic comes up that threatens to derail the first, to stop and say, “That’s a separate conversation.” You needn’t be dismissive when the other person gets off track, however; just let them know they’ll need to take up the separate issue with you at a different time.

Poor listening or an inability to find common ground. When leaders don’t listen well or are unable to reach a shared understanding, they tend to focus on only their side of the conversation. A tell-tale symptom of this bad habit is when managers repeat themselves. Instead of listening and seeking common ground, they say things like, “Like I said before…” or, “As I was saying…” Poor communicators tend to fall into this habit and it cuts off the conversation. A successful work conversation involves listening intently and carefully—a big part of being a great conversationalist is being an exceptional listener.

Leadership as a Conversation

As Ken Blanchard and Scott Blanchard explain, “Leadership is an influence process. Progressive managers build strong relationships with their people through the quality and frequency of their conversations.”

Are your conversations with your direct reports as useful as they could be? Or are bad habits keeping you from being the communicator you want to be? Take a second look at your intentionality, focus, and listening skills. With a little work in these three areas, you’ll make great strides toward becoming an excellent communicator and leader.

Clients who are struggling with relationship building are at either one end or the other of the continuum. At one end is a leader who lacks self-awareness and at the other end is a leader who is self-aware but wants to be more purposeful with their relationships. Regardless of which end you are on, here are seven suggestions to help you master the art of relationships:

• Listen more, talk less. Relationship masters are genuinely curious to understand what is being said—as well as not said—in a conversation. They listen intently in the moment instead of thinking about what they are going to say next.
• Reflect and process. Relationship masters process the conversation after the fact to draw conclusions about messages sent and received. What was the meaning of the discussion and what are the implications? How did the conversation end? Is the relationship in good standing or do I need to circle back to address any perceived tension?
• Match and mirror. Relationship masters are good connectors. They match their style to that of the other person participating in the conversation.
• Be humble. Relationship masters own their mistakes. They acknowledge when a relationship is not where it should be and work to discover what they can do to make it better.
• Embrace difficult conversations and conflict. Relationship masters are good at speaking their truth and can do so in a respectful and caring way. They do not walk away from a negative relationship. They clean it up by speaking openly and creating an environment for resolution.
• Be trustworthy and responsible. Relationship masters follow through on what they say they are going to do. They work hard to be consistent even when life happens and things get missed.
• Seek feedback. Relationship masters do not see themselves as having mastered anything—especially related to communication and people skills. They strive for continuous improvement, and they know it starts with getting feedback about themselves and their behavior.

This list could go on, because building effective relationships is an art, not a science. It is something best leaders continue to practice throughout their career. How do you see this play out in business? Do you have stories to share about people who are masters? I’d love to hear them.

Ken Blanchard says, “In the past, a leader was a boss. Today’s leaders must be partners with their people. They no longer can lead based solely on positional power.”

When you become a master at building relationships, you create a bond of trust with the people around you. This contributes not only to your success as a leader but also to the success of your whole organization.

About the Author

Joni Wickline is Vice President, Professional Services with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Wickline’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

I often hear people talk about what to consider when shopping for a coach. They may want a coach who has worked in their industry, or in a similar role to theirs, or at their level of management. I don’t think these should be the only—or even the top—criteria. In fact, one of the most important factors in whether a coaching experience is successful centers on a quality that must be present not in the coach but in the client. Some call it coachability: the client’s willingness to discover their own wisdom and, once found, to act on it.

Effective coaches employ strong skills to facilitate client-discovered wisdom. Coaches help clients focus on their most important area of concern, define what they want, and determine what that looks like. Coaches ask questions that aid the client’s own discovery—questions that expand the client’s perspective and inspire them to take risks. To accomplish this, effective coaches create a safe, trusting environment in which their clients can do this important work.

But the client also has a major role in creating this environment. They need to be coachable. Here are just a few ways you can enhance your own coachability:

• Be willing to think and act differently in the future, even if your current ways of doing things have resulted in success. Don’t hesitate to break free from old habits.
• Take the time, and make the effort, to clarify your values and the parts of yourself you would like to develop.
• Trust yourself enough to take action—sometimes bold action—as a result of your newly discovered knowledge.

Since being coachable means being willing to be vulnerable, it must be noted that coaching is not the same as therapy. A coach is not going to ask a client to delve deeply into their past personal life. There is a real possibility that this concern stops some people from hiring a coach or using one fully.

Also noteworthy: in coaching, the client, not the coach, drives the agenda. This means the client doesn’t have to talk about anything they don’t want to talk about. They must, however, be coachable—willing to explore, discover their own wisdom, think differently, and stretch themselves. If they do this, most of the time the reward will far outweigh the effort.

So when interviewing a coach, think less about the coach’s track record and more about whether you want to take this person with you on your journey of growth and discovery.

You might be thinking I’m not planning to hire a coach anytime soon—how does this apply to me? Allow me to challenge your question with a few questions of my own:

• In terms of your own growth, are you actively creating an effective learning environment?
• Are you open to expanding your thinking, clarifying your values, and taking bold action?
• If you answered no, what are you going to do about it?

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Check yourself against this list to see how many of the 10 Commandments of Communication you adhere to:

1. Thou shalt demonstrate genuine care for the other person – People can see right through a phony. If you don’t genuinely care for the other person in the relationship it will show in your words and actions. If it’s important for you to build trust with someone, then you should find ways to genuinely care about them. Examine the relationship to see what it is about the person, or the role they play in your organization, that you appreciate and value. Focus on those aspects of the relationship in an authentic and genuine way.

2. Thou shalt listen to understand, not to respond – Most of us have poor listening skills. Instead of listening to someone to understand their point of view, we spend our mental energy formulating a response. Practice active listening techniques such as asking open-ended questions/statements like “Tell me more” or “How did that make you feel?” Paraphrase key points and check for understanding throughout the conversation and listen with the intent to be influenced by the person speaking, not with the intent to argue or debate. Listening can be one of the easiest and quickest ways to establish trust with someone.

3. Thou shalt use open body language – Studies have shown that 70% or more of communication is nonverbal. Our body language often conveys much more meaning than our words so it’s important than your body language is in alignment with the intent of your words. If at all possible, eliminate physical barriers, like a desk, between you and the person you’re speaking with. Sit side by side or in front of each other, don’t cross your arms, roll your eyes, or grimace. Be sure to smile, nod in understanding, and verbally respond with phrases like “I hear you” or “I understand” to show the other person you’re tracking with the conversation.

4. Thou shalt look for commonalities with the other person – People intuitively trust people who are similar to themselves. When first establishing the relationship, emphasize things you have in common such as where you grew up, went to school, common hobbies/interests you have, or the activities/sports of your children.

5. Thou shalt express empathy/mirror emotions – You’ve probably heard the old saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Expressing empathy toward another person is an excellent way to show you care, particularly if you mirror their emotions. Neurological studies have shown our brains contain “mirror neurons” that have the capacity to help us feel the emotions being expressed by another individual. I’m not suggesting you mimic the emotions of others in an attempt to manipulate them into trusting you, but rather taking genuine interest in their plight and letting your natural empathetic instincts express themselves.

6. Thou shalt be transparent and show vulnerability – Establishing trust in a relationship requires one person to make the first move in extending trust. Someone has to make him/herself vulnerable to another and one way to do that is to be transparent (appropriate for the context of the situation) in sharing information. A lack of transparency or vulnerability breeds suspicion in the relationship and is usually the result of one party wanting to minimize risk and maximize control.

7. Thou shalt be positive and respectful – Right or wrong, people will judge the quality of your character by how you speak about and treat others. If you are positive and respectful in your words and actions, people will trust that you will treat them the same way. The opposite is also true. If you speak disparagingly about others or treat others as “less than” yourself, people will not trust you will act with fairness and integrity in your dealings with them.

8. Choose the right time, place, and method to communicate – Just as the secret in real estate is “location, location, location,” the secret to trust-building communication is “timing, timing, timing.” In addition to finding the right time to communicate, it’s important to choose the proper place and method. If your communication involves sensitive personal information, have a face-to-face conversation in a private location. Use email, phone, and other methods of communication that are appropriate to the specific situation.

9. Thou shalt look for opportunities to build up the other person – Your words can be used to build other people up or tear them down. Which do you think will build trust? Building them up, of course. Look for every opportunity to use your communication to help others learn, grow, and become the best version of themselves possible. Doing so will cause people to see that you have their best interests in mind, a key driver of deciding to place their trust in you.

10. Thou shalt own your words – Say what you mean, mean what you say, be forthright, honest, compassionate, caring, and responsible with your communication. If you say something that harms another, apologize sincerely and make amends. It’s really that simple.

Randy Conley is the V.P. of Client Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts normally appear the fourth or last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

Researchers at The Ken Blanchard Companies found that the more often the respondents reported meeting with their managers, the more often they indicated that they intended to remain with the organization—even if offered a similar or slightly better job somewhere else.  (See Fig. 1)

This data point reinforces some of the experiences Blanchard consultants have had in their work with clients and the article shares some related examples.

Getting Started

For HR and OD leaders wondering about the level of communication in their own organization, here are a few questions and strategies to consider.

1. How often are your managers currently meeting with their direct reports? Ken Blanchard recommends that managers meet with each person at least every other week for fifteen to twenty minutes. The meeting doesn’t have to be long, but it is important that these one-on-ones occur on a consistent basis.  Make sure that managers treat these meetings as seriously as they would treat meetings with their own supervising leader.  Scheduling the meeting is the manager’s responsibility—but the direct report sets the agenda. Therefore, the meeting must never be postponed or canceled just because the manager believes there is nothing pressing to discuss.
2. Make sure managers focus on the direct report’s agenda.  Managers sometimes use one-on-one meetings to provide updates, discuss strategic objectives, or bring up other issues of interest to the manager.  While that type of information sharing is important, the primary focus of these meetings should be the direct report’s agenda.  What does the employee want to discuss?  Where do they need help?
3. Take a deeper look. In cases where managers and direct reports are not meeting as often as prescribed, probe for underlying root causes. Is the lower frequency a result of mutual agreement, or is it a symptom of a relationship that is in trouble?  Find out if the root cause of the issue is the manager’s lack of competence, commitment, a little of both, or something else.  Set up a time to discuss the situation with a manager who is not taking the time to meet with his or her direct reports.
4. Measure progress and praise improvement. The old adage “What gets measured gets managed” still applies.  Implementing a new managerial practice requires patience.  Old habits can be difficult to change—especially when the effect of a new approach is not quick to determine.  Consider ways that you can chart progress for managers who could use encouragement in adopting this new habit.

The Importance of Good Communication

The frequency and quality of conversations happening in an organization represent an important marker of the overall health of the company.  Don’t let a lack of communication between managers and employees negatively impact performance in your organization. Start encouraging frequent, high quality conversations today.

To read the complete article, check out Meet & Keep in the July/August issue of Training magazine.  For more information on the research, connect with me via LinkedIn or drop me a line at david.witt@kenblanchard.com.

We have been building on the idea I have always used as a coach, which is that an interaction is either useful or it’s not.

A useful conversation leaves you clear and ready to take action. A conversation that is not useful leaves you muddled and feeling a little paralyzed. A useful dialogue results in your feeling confident and good about yourself. A dialogue that is not useful leaves you with a lingering sense of self doubt.

As a coach, I strive to engage in useful conversations where my clients can say “yes” to three questions.

1. Did I feel heard and understood—does my coach really understand who I am and what I am up to?
2. Did I learn something—either from the coach or from my own thought process?
3. Did I leave the coaching session feeling ready, willing, and able to take the action I committed to?

As a manager, you may want to use this same measure for the conversations you have with your direct reports. How can you be a better listener? How can you promote more self-discovery? How can you provide the direction and support that sets people up to take self-directed action?

Could your conversations be more useful? Challenge your people, hold them to high standards—but never in a way that makes them feel undermined. Try the coach approach.

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

This is a question we hear often from Blanchard clients. In a recent conversation with an organizational sponsor, I was asked to explain how Blanchard coaches were able to consistently help leaders in a high potential coaching program to make changes that stuck.

Our client knew all about the skills we used—listening, asking powerful questions that foster client insight, and a number of other techniques. What she really wanted to know was more about the engine behind the coaching.

The four-step coaching model Blanchard uses isn’t linear. It’s also not a script. There is a fluidity that comes with all great coaching, and it can be described in four simple and elegant elements.

The first step is to Connect. Connecting is about building rapport and trust. This is one of the most critical things a coach must do, and it takes only seconds. It’s more than what the coach says or does—it’s when they believe in their client. They care. They are interested, fully present, and in the moment. People intuitively know when a true connection exists. They can feel it. And they respond to it with trust and openness. Watch what happens when you stop multitasking and really, truly listen to the person you are talking to—you create a connection.

The second element is Focus. Last week my daughter walked in the door, upset. She’d had a bad experience driving on the freeway, her professor had assigned her to a workgroup she didn’t like, and she had missed out on a party over the weekend. As we sat and talked, it became clear these experiences were surface issues. The main reason for her distress? She was frustrated about a situation with a co-worker. Once she knew her focus, she was able to create a strategy for dealing with the person in question. Great coaching helps get to the root of a problem. It takes agility. It’s not uncommon for clients to start out talking about one thing and end up talking about another. Drilling down to the real subject at hand is a little like mining—you’ll know when you hit the mother lode.

Coaching, at its most effective, is also about change. A client may need to shift their attitude, adopt a new behavior, or get closure on a nagging issue. Whatever the change, encouraging clients to take action is key. Activate, the third element in Blanchard’s coaching model, is about identifying short term and long term actions that will move a client toward their objectives. It’s about closing gaps between a current state and a desired state. It takes courage  to stick with a client until they believe they can successfully take action and move toward their goals.

The final element in Blanchard’s coaching model is about gaining clear agreements. I recently became part of a new team that is learning how to collaborate. In every meeting, we Review what we’ve just agreed to. It’s astonishing how easily misunderstandings can happen. Spending time reviewing next steps, actions, timelines, and responsibilities can take diligence. The payoff is an agreement to specific outcomes along with a deeper commitment to taking appropriate and relevant action. As a coach, I often ask clients “What did we/you just agree to?” This gives them an opportunity to clarify the actions they will take in a specific time frame.

Looking to be more coach-like in your conversations? Take a coach approach—Connect, Focus, Activate, and Review. Engage in focused conversations that lead to desired change.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

As a sales and marketing manager in my company, I have been raising flags regarding the way we are responding to the market shrinking and business conditions.

I see us headed for a critical situation soon and have suggested several solutions to our GM. He simply doesn’t listen. He refuses to take any risk, even if it’s calculated.

He seems to want to just stay in his comfort zone while clock is ticking. Should I prepare to leave, or what? – Eyes Wide Open 

Dear Eyes,

Many human situations can be found in Greek mythology. This situation is covered in the ancient tale of Cassandra, who is given the gift of prophesy but then cursed so no one will listen to her or believe her. Poor Cassandra was driven insane—but let’s not let that happen to you! I think you have two courses of action here, and you may want to pursue them both simultaneously.

The first is to try, one last time, to get through to your GM. It’s possible that your communication style is not resonating with him—so before you approach him this time, observe him carefully to understand how he thinks, learns, and processes information. Is he data driven? Prepare your argument with spreadsheets. Is he a big picture person? Tell a story about where your company has been and where you see it going—you could make comparisons with famous now defunct businesses such as Tower records, Blockbuster Video and Kodak. Is he visual? Use images to make your point. As you note, your boss is not a risk taker so you will want to start with very low risk proposals and be prepared to show how small risks could pay off. Finally, many people have very fragile egos so it won’t hurt to show respect for what he does well and find ways to build on any good ideas he has.

The second course of action is to dust off your resume, update your LinkedIn profile, and start looking for a new job. You may not need one, but you should always be prepared.

Of course, there is the possibility that you are wrong—both in your assessment of the business situation and in your GM’s reasons for not listening to you. It might be wise to discuss your feelings with colleagues and get a reality check before working yourself into too much of tizzy.

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

“Aren’t they the same thing?” she replied.

No.  They aren’t.

Coaching—or what you might know as Life, Business, Executive, or Leadership Coaching—has been around for about 30 years now.  Although many people understand generally what it is, there are still some misconceptions out there.  So what’s the difference between getting advice and getting coached?

The main difference is this: it’s not a coach’s job to give advice. No coach is smart enough or has the depth and breadth of knowledge to give perfect advice all the time.  Truth is, most people don’t want advice.  Even when the person being coached says “Tell me what you think I should do,” nobody really wants to be told what to do.

What most people really benefit from is a conversation to determine what the goal really is. This can sometimes be the hardest thing to clarify.  From there, they need a discussion about possibilities, obstacles, what options make the most sense, and what kind of support they need to accomplish the steps they have decided to take.

Advice is simply that.  Any sentence that starts with “You should…,” “I would…,” or “Why don’t you…” is advice.  And you can bet cold hard cash that in most cases, anything following those words will not be heard or heeded.

The beauty of coaching is that it uncovers what people already know in their hearts but maybe just needed a little digging to get to.  Giving advice is easy—in fact, I do it all day long for free.  Coaching requires skill and practice, and that’s why people pay for it.

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Do you have a child, relative or friend embarking on the same journey? My advice as a coach (or a parent, mentor or friend) is to help them discover their journey.

Graduation brings with it a mixture of feelings from elation about a significant accomplishment to apprehension about what’s next. The elation may last a week or even a month, but it’s always followed by “What’s next for me?” concerns. Whether the decision is to continue on to a higher level of education or go directly into the workforce, the years following graduation are about exploring independence and passion. It’s a journey that requires reflection, exploration, and learning.

Coaching an individual is about leading a discovery process. A coach probes for deeper discovery by asking open ended questions that cause the coachee to pause and reflect—and the longer the pause, the better. Pauses provide time for decisions and actions that feel right and that have significance.

Below is a list of starter questions you can use to encourage reflection and a deeper level of thinking from the graduate you are coaching. Don’t feel that you have to use them all—one or two might become your go-to questions. Modify this list and put it in your own words, if you’d like.

• What do you find yourself wanting to learn and read more about? What types of careers are related to that area of study?
• What are you really good at? What are your natural gifts/talents?
• What do really want to avoid in your job or career?
• What is important for you to have in your career? For example: money, satisfaction, a career path, values, people, location, type of work?
• When you find yourself so focused that you lose track of time, what are you doing?
• If you could try out any job for a day, what would it be?

Each graduate is on their own path—and choosing a career that ultimately brings fulfillment and independence is what life is all about. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: “Life is what you make it. Always has been, always will be.” Graduates are on a journey of reflection, exploration, and learning.

So when the door opens for a coaching conversation with a recent high school or college graduate, be prepared and jump in. That conversation could be the turning point that leads to a successful future!

About the Author

Joni Wickline is Vice President, Professional Services with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Wickline’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

The article describes the results of a Gallup study showing that employees want communication, a trusting relationship, and clear measurement standards from their immediate supervisor.

I messaged some of my friends to learn why they posted the article. They all replied that the findings matched their own experience and they wanted to share. In fact, each of them told me about how a negative experience in one of these areas had resulted in their search for a new place to work.

That’s pretty sad.

The findings identified in the Gallup study are consistent with those uncovered through research by The Ken Blanchard Companies on the subject of Employee Work Passion. We frame these elements as Connectedness with Leader, Feedback, and Performance Expectations. Blanchard research shows that when there are significant gaps between what employees expect and what they actually experience at work in these areas (as well as nine others), their intentions to stay with the organization, perform at a high level, apply extra discretionary effort, be a good organizational citizen, or endorse the company to others are lowered.

That’s even sadder!

Here’s the good news. Leaders can help create the type of environment people are looking for at work. One strategy we recommend for all leaders is to increase the frequency and quality of their conversations with their direct reports.

A good way to start is by scheduling a special type of one-on-one meeting in addition to performance review meetings.  In this meeting, the direct report is responsible for setting the agenda and capturing the required action steps. The manager’s job is to simply show up and listen.

This kind of meeting helps in many ways. The leader shows an interest and commitment to the employee’s success by listening to what is working well and providing feedback in areas where the employee needs help. And by taking the time to clarify performance expectations, the leader demonstrates to the employee that not only is their work important, it also plays a valuable role in achieving overall organization objectives.

What can you do to create connection, provide better feedback, and set clearer performance expectations with your people? As my Facebook friends point out, we all could benefit from better communication with our leaders.

For more ideas, be sure to read the Blanchard white papers, Ten Performance Management Process Gaps, Are Employees’ Needs Being Met by One-on-Ones?, and Employee Work Passion: Connecting the Dots. They are all available, free of charge, from the Blanchard research archives.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

I worked with a client who was unsuccessful in communicating with upper management during the course of several meetings. His intention was to inform some high level managers about the positive and negative results of a recent project—information he believed the managers could use to benefit future projects.

My client staged a detailed slide presentation but was frustrated due to the managers’ lack of attention, which resulted in the topic being derailed. My client felt the managers not only didn’t see the information as important but also didn’t really hear his message. His style of communication was not effective.

Here is what I suggested as a starting point.

1. Know your audience. Think about the other person’s perspective. To help people be more receptive to his message, my client needed to adjust his communication style to be less academic and more conversational. He also learned to start with the main points of the information he wanted to share, provide additional details when asked, and speak from a strategic perspective.

2. Practice active listening. Active listening promotes a two-way conversation by asking questions and focusing on the needs of the other person. By doing this, my client could understand what was truly important to upper management regarding his project. He responded in a way that aligned with the focus of the managers and was able to change his perspective from a one-sided advising style to a two-way engaging style.

3. Have a clear purpose. What is your desired outcome for yourself and for the other person? Be clear about your objective. My client’s desired result for the discussion was to communicate to the managers exactly what he needed to be able to move forward with the project.

Effective communication leads to strong relationships, clear expectations, trust, problem solving, and knowledge. Use these three steps to enhance your communication today!

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

The majority of respondents are looking for either 30 or 60 minutes of one-on-one time with their manager on a regular basis.

The survey also identified six specific topics that direct reports want more discussion around in their one-on-ones:

• Goal setting
• Goal review
• Performance feedback
• Problem solving
• Soliciting support
• Problems with colleagues

Of these, the topic that is most often neglected is Problems with colleagues. An astounding 64 percent of respondents wish they could talk with their manager about problems with colleagues either “often” or “all the time,” but only 8 percent actually do.

Tips to get the most from your one-on-one

For the direct report:

• Update your manager on what has happened since your last meeting. Share progress against goals and follow up on action items from earlier meetings.
• Ask for what you need. Be open regarding any need for direction and support.
• Use the time for problem solving. Share obstacles you are facing and work with your manager to develop action plans.

For the manager:

• Use the time to listen. Listen to understand and advise only when needed.
• Give specific, meaningful praise. Look for opportunities to not only praise results but also praise progress on newer tasks.
• Redirect as needed. Help the direct report recognize possible gaps in performance and redirect their path.

Important note for managers

Do not cancel a one-on-one meeting with a direct report. Postpone it if necessary, but do not cancel. In our Situational Self Leadership workshop, I always ask participants how it makes them feel when their manager cancels a one-on-one meeting. Overwhelmingly, they say “It makes me feel as if I’m not important.” Note that they don’t say “it’s not important”—they say “I’m not important.”

What do you do to get the most from your one-on-one discussions?

__________________________________

About the author

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in productivity and performance management.

As we continued on the topic, she told me how this leader wants to be very encouraging of other people in his company—and often joins team meetings to hear about the latest ideas, projects, and plans. In his enthusiasm to endorse the thinkers, he told the coach that he always “adds value.”

That’s a potential problem.

What do you think happens when he comes in as an outsider and tries to improve on a team’s decision? Our coach is going to ask, but I’d say it’s a safe guess that when this leader speaks, others stop speaking. It’s pretty hard to disagree with a VP.

While this leader has a great idea to recognize and endorse the good work of others, I’m glad he’s working with a coach to support him in this plan, because even the best intentions can sometimes have the opposite impact. Rather than offering to add value by improving others’ ideas, the real value he could add in these meetings would be to really listen. Here’s why:

• Through listening, the VP shows team members he values what they have to say.
• This creates a safe environment for team members to speak up and share ideas.
• He could model the benefit of asking open-ended questions.
• He could share the floor by soliciting input from others around the table.
• Active listening will result in higher quality decisions that originate directly from team members.

Adding value is wonderful—but the VP isn’t the only voice of value at the table. By stopping his own reflex to fix or improve and instead truly listen to others, this new VP can generate even greater value—and more opportunities to catch people doing things right!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, our 130 coaches have coached over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

That was the response John, a VP in the high tech industry, gave us when we asked him this question. And from what we could see, he was right. He was overworked and exhausted—because he was doing all the work for his employees! Given the constant deadlines he faced, he still believed this approach was easier than taking the time to coach his direct reports toward better performance.

This is a common problem we coaches face when working with well-meaning managers. They know they can’t keep operating this way, but they can never seem to find the right moment to slow down and put a new plan in place.

For John, it wasn’t until we had him track how much time out of one week he spent either doing the work himself or telling his people what to do and how to do it that he finally decided it was worth it to make time for day-to-day coaching.

That breakthrough led to these three questions John now uses as the basis for his new approach to coaching others to higher levels of performance.

1. What is getting in your way?
2. What do you need from me?
3. What will you do next?

Turns out, asking those three questions and listening to the answers netted John an increase in saved time of more than eighty percent! Now instead of doing the work himself, John is able to quickly identify—in partnership with the direct report—what the challenge is, where the direct report is in terms of competence and commitment to meet that challenge, and what leadership style is required to keep the project moving forward.

Eighty percent time saved. John says it’s the best experiment he’s ever conducted. Now he’s a believer.

How about you? Examine the possibilities. Try something new. Get new results. How much time could you save? This is just one example of the power of coaching—it benefits you as well as the people you lead.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, our 130 coaches have coached over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

As managers we are expected to have the best interest of the organization as a prime objective and yet the needs of each of our direct reports are also critical. The process of balancing both is a polarity because it involves two, interdependent, correct answers to the question: “In my relationship with this person, should I be concerned about her, or should I be concerned about her ability to perform her tasks?”

As a well-intentioned manager, you need to pay attention to your people’s needs, and you need to keep an eye on the extent to which things are actually getting done. If you just take care of your direct report and neglect the tasks at hand, it won’t be a very satisfactory solution. Staying focused on getting the tasks done and neglecting your direct report won’t be a very satisfactory solution either.

Managing well is a response to a polarity. Barry Johnson, the author of Polarity Management: Identifying and Managing Unsolvable Problems defines polarity management as the identification and management of unsolvable problems. He says that a polarity is created when a situation has two or more right answers that are interdependent.

Using Johnson’s approach, the polarity we are describing might look like this.

While we are constantly striving for the highest positive outcome for both the organization and individuals, sometimes it’s just impossible to achieve. Events conspire to push things into the negative. But nothing lasts forever and the objective is to keep things moving back toward the positive while minimizing the negative.

Dealing with Polarities

For managers faced with the seemingly unsolvable problem of balancing individual needs and organizational imperatives here are some steps you can take to help others and keep your sanity:

• Recognize that when you feel that you are “caught between and rock and a hard place” it’s because you are. Sometimes it helps just to realize that your situation is in fact extremely difficult and that feeling frustrated is an appropriate response.
• Empathize fully with your employee – listen well, make sure your employee feels heard and advocate for what is needed in the situation. Often, once a person feels that they have been understood, they are empowered to make different choices and rise to a challenge in new ways.
• Engage in creative problem solving together. Just because you are the manager, it doesn’t mean you have all the answers. Go for a walk together – a study out of Stanford University found that just walking for 6-15 minutes increases creative thinking by 60 percent.
• Take care of yourself – extreme stress and worrying about others requires extreme self care. Your ability to be patient, kind, fair, and balanced depends on staying reasonably well-rested, keeping your blood sugar consistent, and breathing deeply.

A New Way of Thinking

Every individual has needs, thoughts and feelings about their work environment that must be attended to. The organization needs constant attention to strategic goals and operational imperatives – and often will require extra effort or even sacrifice from employees. And as a manager, there are days when you’re caught in the middle. Instead of problems with a correct answer, you have unsolvable problems that require a whole new way of thinking. One excellent tool to support this kind of thinking is Polarity Management.

About this new column

Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned is a new Saturday feature for a very select group – the well intentioned manager. Leadership is hard, and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for another unique problem and resources that can help.

An experience I had last week has me rethinking this position.

I got a call from a coworker. After we exchanged the usual pleasantries, the conversation continued down a personal line. I soon found myself telling her about my elderly father who had recently gotten pneumonia. She shared a similar situation she’d had and, although I don’t think she knew it, she provided me with a few nuggets of wisdom about aging parents that really helped me.

A few more minutes into the conversation, I was still wondering about the purpose of her call. That’s when I realized she was simply calling to connect and see how I was doing. Not long after that, we ended our call and I went back to work.

Taking Time to Connect

For the rest of that day and many days afterward, that call really stuck with me. The fact that she had reached out for the sole purpose of connecting made me feel, for the lack of a better word, special. As a coach, I know how important it is to connect with my clients. We teach it as part of our C-FAR (Connect, Focus, Activate, and Review) model in our Coaching Essentials leadership development program.

But that ten-minute phone call with my coworker drove home for me the point of how important making connection is in all our relationships. It showed me how impactful not always being “all business” can be. It also reminded me that connection needn’t be reserved just for coaching. So, while I’m not yet reaching out to people at work just to connect, I am remembering to foster a bit more connection with my coworkers.

Are you all business at work?  Could you benefit from a little connection?  Make a conscious effort this week to notice if you are taking time to connect with people at work.  If you are, pat yourself on the back.  If not, strive to do so.  Who knows—you might leave a lasting impression on someone just like my coworker did.

About Coaching Tuesday

Coaching Tuesday is a new weekly feature devoted to ideas, the latest research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.  Coaching Tuesday is written by Coaching Services Partners from The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, our 130 coaches have coached over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Researchers from The Ken Blanchard Companies teamed up with Training magazine to poll a cross-section of 456 human resources and talent management professionals. The survey found gaps of 29 and 39 percent between how often direct reports had career conversations with their leaders when compared to how often they wanted to have those conversations.

29% Gap in Job Development Conversations

Survey questions in this section asked respondents if their immediate manager conducted performance planning in a way that resulted in at least one developmental goal that would help a direct report progress in their current job. Questions asked respondents to evaluate the frequency with which their leader discussed job assignments that would help to broaden the direct report’s job experience and knowledge. Questions also asked respondents to evaluate how often their leader discussed the training needed to improve the direct report’s performance during the current performance period and whether the leader made time and resources available to help the employee get the training they needed.

39% Gap in Career Development Conversations

In this section respondents were asked to evaluate the degree to which their leader prepared them for career advancement. Questions asked respondents to evaluate the degree to which their boss understood the steps needed to prepare the direct report for career advancement, explained the organization policies and procedures that impacted career development, and discussed potential career opportunities for the direct report. Questions also specifically asked if the leader clarified the steps a direct report could take and whether the boss felt those steps were fair and reasonable.

Make sure managers are taking the time to have “stay” interviews so they can avoid having “exit” interviews

Leaders play a key role in job and career growth. This survey suggests that significant gaps exist between employee expectations and what they are experiencing at work. Left unaddressed, these gaps create a drain on overall organizational vitality through lowered employee intentions to stay, endorse, and apply discretionary effort as needed.

Retention experts Beverly Kaye and Julie Winkle Giulioni, authors of Help Them Grow or Watch Them Go, believe that job and career growth conversations are one of the most powerful and under-utilized tools at a leaders disposal.  In an article for Executive Excellence, they identify that:

• Conversation has the power to touch employees’ hearts and minds.
• Genuine career development isn’t about forms, choreographing new assignments, or orchestrating promotions. It’s about having quality conversations that facilitate insights and awareness, explore possibilities, and inspire responses that drive employee-owned action.
• When leaders reframe career development in terms of ongoing conversations—rather than procedural checkpoints or scheduled activities—theyhave more flexibility and the chance to develop careers organically.

Mirroring the sentiments of the respondents in the Blanchard survey, Kaye and Giulioni identify that:

• Shorter conversations fit better with the cadence of business today
• Frequent, ongoing dialogue communicates a genuine commitment to the employee and development
• Iterative conversations allow employees to layer awareness, insights, and action more naturally
• The ongoing nature of the conversation keeps development alive in everyone’s mind (vs. tucking it away for a formal meeting.)

Growth opportunities at the job and career level are important drivers of employee work passion and one of the better ways that leaders can show team members that they care and are invested in them. Be sure that your leaders are taking the time to discuss ways that employees can improve their skills in their current role and also how they can continue to advance in their careers.  You can learn more about the Blanchard research by accessing the white paper, Ten Performance Management Process Gaps (and How They Negatively Impact Employee Intentions).  Read more of Beverly Kaye and Julie Winkle Giulioni’s thinking by reading Career Conversation: It’s today’s common sense competency.

When Ken arrived, he was briefed on the situation and the inability to determine a cause.  After reviewing the data, Ken thought about it a minute and then suggested that a good next step would be to talk to front line employees to see if they could shed some light on the situation.

“Why do you want to talk to them?  What would they know that we don’t?” was the general reaction of the senior leadership.

But Ken persisted. He conducted a number of interviews and found out that people thought that the plant was a good place to work and that wages were competitive as management had shared.  However, he also quickly found out that the air conditioning in the plant didn’t work very well.  As one worker told him, “It’s hotter than heck down there—and after a while you just can’t take it anymore.  That’s why people leave.”

Ken reported the information back to the senior leaders who were surprised. They hadn’t thought to ask the people closest to the situation. They quickly improved the air conditioning system and saw the retention rate return to normal levels.

And even though Ken’s mom exclaimed, “And you get paid for this?” when he first shared the story, the problem is more common than it might seem at first.

Here are three questions to ask about your own organization:

1. Are their opportunities for improvement in your organization that are well-known to frontline workers but may not be known to senior leaders?
2. What aspects of your company’s culture might keep people from sharing what they know?
3. How can you, as a leader, make it easier for people to share information with you?

It is easy for senior leaders to become isolated and removed from the day-to-day activities happening within their organizations. Talk to your people. Ask questions. You might be surprised by what you learn.

I recently watched a TED Talk entitled

I once had an interesting experience on an assignment. I was in a leadership position and was faced with situation that required an immediate decision—okay, I’ll admit that the word required is a little strong. It wasn’t a crisis, but I didn’t see any reason not to make a decision in the moment. Although I had never encountered this situation before, I made a decision that I thought was within my decision-making authority. Turns out, it wasn’t.

To add insult to an injury I didn’t even know I was inflicting, I acted on that decision. No surprise—I shouldn’t have done that either.

And to make it a true “hat trick,” I went ahead and got a few other people involved, including the client! Ugh!

Fortunately, a couple of people in positions senior to mine found out about my decision, intervened, and disaster was averted. You don’t have to know the decision, the actions I took, or who else was involved to imagine what happened next. Yeah, I got invited to a phone meeting. And I had no idea there was a problem until I was on the call.

As I was being given feedback about the entire situation—the decision not being within my decision-making authority; the potential negative impact of the decision; the implications for our client relationships; the legal, regulatory and compliance problems my decision could have caused; and what I should have done—all wrapped up in a delivery tone of “you should have known these things”—I kept thinking, “How could I have known this [what I was being told in that moment]?”

How could I have known exactly what to do in that situation? How could I have known what to ask or who to ask in that situation? I didn’t even know I needed to ask anyone anything.

I’d never been in this situation before. Based on the variables, my analysis, my experience, my past decisions, and the outcome we were trying to achieve—value-added service to the client—I made what I thought was a good decision. A few other things went through my mind, most of them unproductive and none of them appropriate for this blog. But you get the picture.

My natural inclination was to express the aforementioned thoughts to the person I was meeting with as a way of presenting my case and defending my actions. Instead, I decided to do something different.

I decided to shut off my own background noise and listen.

I decided not to defend, blame, or protect myself, but to listen for something specific: I decided to listen for a solution. Because at the end of it all, a solution was the only thing that was going to help us learn, grow, and most importantly, avoid being in this situation again.

So I let the person I was meeting with continue to speak. As they were speaking, I focused in on the points they were making that would help formulate a solution. When they were finished, I presented back to them the points I had heard that were the solution—and not just the solution to what I should have done in that situation. By listening with a clear and open mind, I was able to formulate the parameters for my decision making which I could now apply to a variety of situations—not only that one.

In the end, we agreed that the decision-making parameters would be as follows;

• CAN DO: If clearly in the Scope of Work.
• CAN’T DO: If not within compliance, regulation and/or legal.
• If not clearly a CAN or CAN’T DO, then CHECK WITH ________ (fill in the blank).

When I focused on the solution vs. the problem, not only did the person I was speaking with agree and express appreciation, they actually verbalized what they had done that caused the problem. Then they apologized, and committed to acting differently going forward.

We have a favorite saying at The Ken Blanchard Companies: “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” This is a saying that Rick Tate, who used to be a consulting partner with our company, often said.  By being open to feedback, I was able to focus on a solution and turn a potential negative experience into a positive one.  I think you will too if you open yourself up to the possibility.

About the author:

Ann Phillips is a Senior Consulting Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies where she specializes in consulting and keynoting on customer loyalty, employee engagement, leadership, organizational change, and team building.

Let the direct report choose the best time. As humans whose energy varies during the day, there are times best suited for problem solving, routine reports, crunching data, or reflecting and envisioning the future. As a leader, let your team member choose the best time for your one-on-one call. Have them choose a time when they aren’t rushing for a deadline or needing to be alone to focus. Although you are responsible for making sure one-on-one meetings happen, virtual employees work independently and are typically very careful about how they spend their time. You want your call to be welcomed as a time for connection, reflection, and investment in future success—not seen as a distraction or interruption to real work.

Use technology to reveal more. Use the best one-on-one technology you have available. Video is best—even a cheap laptop camera with Skype or Office Communicator will provide you with visual information about the person’s commitment and mood. If you can’t get a video feed, invest in high quality—not necessarily expensive—headsets for your conversation. These make it easier for you to focus and listen for indicators of mood such as frustration or enthusiasm. In audio-only one-on-one meetings you will need to listen for the said, the unsaid, and the underlying tone beneath the spoken words.

Ask questions to develop independence. Individuals who work virtually are required to function more independently than those who have someone in the next cubicle for support. Use the skill of facilitating problem solving to develop competence and commitment. Examples of good questions to foster independence are:

• What other factors could be influencing this situation?
• What is getting in the way?
• What else should be considered?
• What are the pros and cons of this idea?
• How will you know the plan is working?

Build personal connection at their speed. Developing a personal relationship with your direct reports builds trust and commitment and can help you know, early on, if something is impacting motivation or performance. At the same time, people’s personalities differ in how much and how quickly they are willing to share their personal selves with you. Model sharing by being transparent about yourself, but don’t force intimacy. Ask questions that provide opportunity, such as:

• Which part of your job is the most enjoyable?
• How could your job be better?
• What could I do to make your job easier?
• What’s the most interesting thing happening for you right now?
• How will you be celebrating the upcoming holiday?
• How is your family?

In each phone call ask one or two open-ended questions to provide opportunity to build the relationship, but let your team member control the level of sharing.

Don’t let distance keep you apart! With these tips in place, both you and your team member will leave the call feeling in control, supported, and motivated to move forward together.

About the author

Carmela Sperlazza Southers is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in increasing organizational, team, and leader effectiveness in the virtual work world.

A common leadership challenge I hear in our workshops is: “How do I lead when I don’t have authority?”

Even when we do have formal authority, we often need to influence up and across the organization. But should we use our authority to coerce others to do what we want or need them to do? I believe the answer is a resounding no, except in two situations:

1. In a crisis or emergency—there is no time to influence right now.
2. As a last resort—when you have tried everything to influence, it isn’t working, and “no” is not an option.

Think about those times when your boss used position power to get you to do something. How did you respond? How did it make you feel?

Having autonomy—a feeling of choice—is critical to motivation. When we use position power to get something done, we remove the other person’s sense of autonomy. We may or may not get compliance, but we rarely get commitment.

One key way to influence, whether or not you have authority, is to develop personal power with those you need to influence. Personal power is a product of the trust and respect others have for you based on your actions toward them. The more personal power you have in a relationship, the easier it is to influence. Think of people you truly trust and respect. When they ask you to do something for them, you rarely think twice about it—you just do it.

Four key behaviors can help build your personal power with others:

1. Take the time to truly listen—and listen to understand (see my prior post on What Does It Mean to Truly Listen?).
2. Be authentic—make sure your actions align with your stated values.
3. Treat everyone with respect—not just those you want to influence, but everyone you interact with.
4. Keep commitments—develop a reputation for follow-through.

When you need to influence without authority—or even with it—remember the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“What you are shouts so loud in my ears I cannot hear what you say.”

What other thoughts do you have about influencing without authority?

About the author

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.

“It’s all about values and principles. It’s not about the numbers.”

Leaders, perhaps the most ambitious, will tell you that this is their mantra—but when you take a close look at what’s really going on, let’s face it: it is all about the numbers. It’s about hitting goals, frequently even at any cost. The urgent sprint becomes the norm—the new zero point. Actually, it’s now a condition of employment. “You want to work here—this is how you behave.”

Frequently though, organizations don’t recognize the damages of a long-term, “success at any cost,” strategy. Short-term gains may come at the cost of long-term emotional loss.

This may not be a big problem for a business in temporarily lean economic times, when there aren’t many alternatives for people on the payroll. The employees are inclined to stay right where they are. Actually, they may not have any other options. After all, other opportunities are few and far between.

But what about after things start improving? As the human marketplace emerges from contingency plans and belt-tightening, leaders need to be especially aware of what’s going on around them. Previously loyal employees may be hearing of, or actually getting, other opportunities, internal or external. Regardless of where they go, you’ve lost them. And by the way, who do you think gets the most offers, your average producers or the very best?

Here are three ways to reconnect with your people and move forward:

1. Encourage feedback from associates, and then act on it, even if it hurts. Now more than ever, don’t assume everybody is a happy camper. The fact that you haven’t heard any complaints is not necessarily good news. What you don’t know can hurt you. A common leader reaction when good people leave is, “I had no idea he or she was floating resumes out there.” That’s tragic when you think about it.
2. Open your eyes and ears to discouragement and resentment. Emotions like these eat at people’s hearts and poison relationships. If you ignore this condition, it multiplies. When people are uninformed, they accentuate the negative—and the reality is rarely as bad as the scenario they create in their minds.
3. Don’t try to use the same skills that were appropriate in different times. Don’t act like the Lone Ranger. Don’t singlehandedly swoop in to give your people a quick fix. Share news now more than ever. Talk about issues. Problems won’t go away on their own—you must address them. Delaying will only compound the situation.

Finally, as a leader, it’s very possible that you may have been feeling the same stress as your people.  You might have felt put-upon when a lot has happened that was out of your control. But whatever you do, don’t make excuses or offer evidence that you’ve been victimized like everybody else—even if it is true. Remember that you’re the one who chose to be a leader. Play the hand you’ve been dealt. Don’t blame others. After the crises, everybody must face a new reality. That reality starts with the person in charge. That’d be you.

About the author

Dr. Dick Ruhe is a best-selling author, keynote speaker, and senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.