Dear Madeleine,

I read your blog from last week and it struck me that I could use some tips from you about the problem you skipped in your answer to the letter writer.

I, too, have been passed over for a promotion. It happened at my last company, which is why I left, but I am having the same problem in my new job.

I have been here for three years now, and despite doing very well managing a couple of teams and getting “exceeds expectations” on every performance review, the last time I interviewed for a job at the next higher level they brought someone in from the outside. From all reports the person is mediocre at best.

I got great feedback after the interview, and my own manager (a peer of the new hire) was apologetic. You may tell me to ask for more feedback, which I have done, but I haven’t heard anything I can use. It all seems to be positive.

I am very frustrated. I know I must be doing something wrong, but I don’t know what it is. I thought you might have some insight.

Passed Over. Again.

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Passed Over. Again.,

I am very sorry for your frustration. I’m also sorry because, of course, there is no way for me to know exactly what is going on without more detail. I can only share possibilities and hope you can pick something out that might be useful.

In my experience, there are two types of factors that come into play when a seemingly ideal internal candidate is passed over for a senior-level job. First, there are external factors that have nothing to do with you and over which you have no control. Then there are individual factors that have everything to do with you and how you are perceived. I will outline both and hopefully something will resonate for you.

External Factors: These are the things you have no control over but you might be able to influence in the future. These include a need or desire for:

• An innovative approach – Even companies that claim to be committed to hiring and promoting internally sometimes yearn for a new perspective, or fresh eyes, as it were. It is very easy for companies to become too insulated and lose their edge if they are not hiring from a wide field and also from the competition.
• Expanded network – Some critical positions require a person who has a wide network of relationships inside and outside the industry. This most often true for sales and highly technical roles.
• Increased diversity – Less of an issue for many US-based companies than it was even six months ago, many organizations believe building a more diverse senior leadership will help them in the long run. Research certainly shows this to be true.

Finally, sometimes you are up against old-fashioned nepotism. People like to hire people they know well. It’s just human nature. So if the choice is between you and the EVP’s bestie from grad school, there really is no competition. Most annoying, though, is when you lose out because the hiring manager feels beholden to a person or family member. It happens a lot in politics, of course, but it actually happens everywhere all the time. This kind of thing can be so covert that almost no one is aware that it’s happening.

Individual Factors: This list will be longer, although is not exhaustive. The questions to ask yourself as you review these possibilities are:

• Have I ever received feedback about this but didn’t pay attention to it?
• Could this be true of me?
• If this were true for me, what might I do to remedy it? Am I willing to do it?

The individual factors that contribute to anyone being passed over more than once for a job they feel eminently qualified for can be broken down into three main categories, which are all connected.

Poor or Insufficient Internal Networking

• Lack of visibility – If leadership doesn’t see or recognize your contributions, they might be overlooked even if you are super competent.
• Weak internal networking – Promotions often go to those who build strong relationships with key decision-makers and people who have influence, not just those who do good work. This truth is often unwelcome because most of us wish it weren’t the case. If this rings a bell for you, you can complain that life is unfair because success is all about who you know, or you can get over yourself and make it your business to get to know people. This may sound harsh, especially if you are extremely shy or introverted. I am sorry for that. If you need help with how to go about building and nurturing a solid network, you can find my article about relationship mapping here and more tips here.
• Organizational politics – Favoritism, alliances, or internal politics can skew promotion decisions away from merit. There isn’t a whole lot to be done about this, but building a lot more relationships will help.
• Risk-averse leaders – Managers may favor a sure thing even if another candidate shows more promise. If there is a choice between promoting someone who has donethe job elsewhere and someone who may be able to do the job if given a chance but is as yet unproven, many will go with the safe choice. It can be tough to combat this tendency, but it can be done. How? You have probably heard that to get a new job, you have to do the job you want in addition to the job you have. This is another fact that is hard to stomach, because who wants to do that much more work? Ambitious people is who. And wow, is it tricky, because how on earth does that work? How do you take on projects or tasks that aren’t in your job description without seeming overly pushy or stepping on toes? It does demand finesse. It requires you to identify things that need doing but aren’t being done, as well as the support of your manager. What tends to work well is volunteering to take on non-official (and usually thankless) work such as organizing culture-building events, enrolling other volunteers, and making the extra work fun and interesting for people.

Lack of Compelling Executive Presence or Other Intangible Qualities

• Perceived lack of leadership potential – Someone may be great at their current job but not able to demonstrate the executive presence, strategic thinking, initiative, or influence needed for a higher-level role. This one is particularly thorny because these qualities are rarely broken down and explained to someone who is told they lack them. The best resource that details what these terms generally mean, with great ideas for what a person might do to improve, is FYI: For Your Improvement. An oldie but a goodie, this is easily one of the most dog-eared books I have on my shelf. It’s ideal for go-getters and the coaches who work with them.
• Mismatch with company culture or values – You might be technically qualified, but not aligned with your organization’s leadership expectations or communication style. Have you researched the company’s leadership competencies (if any exist)? Can you reel off the company’s values and point to how every one of your accomplishments reflects one or more of them?
• Soft skills gap: Strong communication, collaboration, or conflict management skills are often valued more than technical skills at higher levels. If you don’t have a chance to demonstrate these types of skills in your current job, ask your manager to keep you in mind for projects that will allow you to do so. If you do use these skills in your job, it is possible that your manager is unaware of how you have been tested and have risen to the occasion. In that case, it is up to you to point out ways you have used skills as part of your regular performance review.

Inadequate Attention to Personal PR

• Unwillingness to toot your own horn – I get it. Humility is a very attractive trait, but the truth is that you have to toot that horn because it isn’t anyone else’s job to do it for you. So, as stated above, it might be time to rethink how you approach your performance reviews. As someone who managed people for over 30 years, I can attest that the individuals who fared better—many of them quiet high performers—made sure when it came to performance review time that I was crystal clear about every little thing they had accomplished within the period. I mean every obstacle they had overcome, every goal or task they had achieved, and every skill they had worked on.

You might wonder if this is fair. Probably not. But every manager has a full-time job in addition to managing people. If you make everything look easy, they might be forgiven for thinking it was. I have seen some extraordinary excel spreadsheets and I can tell you, they were persuasive.

• Limited business impact – Candidates who don’t tie their work to broader business outcomes (e.g., revenue, efficiency, innovation) may seem less promotable. Business impact can be fiendishly difficult to pinpoint and may require some creativity on your part. You have to find a way to define and articulate your and your team’s impact and make sure everyone knows about it. Again, this might be a column in your spreadsheet.
• Unclear self-promotion – People who don’t articulate their goals or advocate for themselves can be overlooked in favor of those who do. Again, I know, yuck—who wants to have to promote themselves? Mostly people who annoy us, and we don’t want to be like them. But there are ways to do it without being smarmy. I would refer you back to the book FYI for reasonable tactics that work for you instead of against you.

Another thought is to identify the people around you who successfully self-promote and observe how they do it. I currently work with one woman who somehow makes everyone love her and want to work with her. I am still not quite sure how she does it, but I can tell you it has a lot to do with building relationships and making sure people know she cares about them. Which brings us back to networking. Thus, the virtuous circle.

Whew. That’s a lot, huh? But here’s the thing, Passed Over. Again., you don’t have to address all of these ideas at once. A couple of these things will strike you as possibly true for you and potentially doable. Start with those and see where they take you.

I would love to work in a meritocracy, my friend, but I have yet to find one. Humans are complicated and merit is simply the door opener. Everything else is relationships. You know you have value to add, and it is your job to collect as many people who see it as clearly as you do, in an organic and graceful way.

If extreme external factors aren’t at play, and if you start now, I guarantee you won’t be passed over next time.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior analyst at an insurance company. I want to start building my leadership influence.

I know my position is not at manager level yet, but I think leadership can happen at all levels. I am also very young compared to my colleagues who are at the same level in the company. I used to think influence meant popularity (e.g., numbers of likes and comments on my LinkedIn posts), but I am starting to feel that this is not true.

I read in a book that leadership influence means how many people would follow a leader and change their behaviors after interaction with the leader. Do you agree? Do you have any advice on how I can begin developing influence at my position?

Future Influencer

______________________________________________________

Dear Future Influencer,

This is a great question, and the topic could be a whole book. There are, in fact, plenty of books on the topic, most of which focus on communication skills. So I will try to hit some highlights, and maybe share a perspective you might not get elsewhere.

I agree that leadership can happen at all levels, starting with the self. I think the definition you share sounds right. Influence isn’t the same as popularity, and it is definitely not something that can be measured by interaction with others on social media.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary says influence is “the power to change or affect someone or something—especially the power to cause changes without directly forcing those changes to happen. Influence can also refer to a person or thing that affects someone or something in an important way.”

To boil it down, I think it means being able to get people to support you and your ideas or do stuff you need them to do, especially if it is inconvenient or isn’t really their job.

You might start by zooming in on three areas:

1. You: Who are you, and how do you add value to any situation? Get clarity on your own personality and core needs. Understanding others is much easier when you understand yourself because you can figure out how you are different from others, why it matters, and what you can do about it.

A great way to discover more about yourself is with our content on Essential Motivators. Watch this webinar to get going: Developing a Deeper Understanding of Yourself and Others. You will also want to understand what combination of traits, experience, and skills add up to being your superpowers. What are you naturally great at and what do you love to do that might be useful to others? You can use this knowledge to get involved with projects or committees in your organization that will help you find ways to contribute while vastly increasing your network.

2. Your Dreams: What do you dream of accomplishing (not job title or salary)? What kind of culture do you want to create around you? What kind of impact do you want to make in the world? What kinds of changes do you want to see in your industry? What is your vision for yourself, your team, your company? Do you know your values well enough to use them to make decisions? Do you have a personal mission?

All of these dimensions will help you begin to build a personal brand. All of these will provide you with a clear drive that people will recognize and be attracted to—because it is compelling to support others who are up to fun and interesting things. It’s great to be goal-oriented, but you want to aim for something more than just a title or salary band. As you aspire to leadership, ask yourself what will make you a leader others choose to follow.

3. Relationships: Connections on social media are rarely real relationships. Having a relationship with someone means that person knows who you are and will include you if they believe you have something useful to add to a project. You’ve heard the complaint about successful people, that “It is always who you know.” Well, it is true—maybe unfair, but true—because people can’t help you if they don’t know you. And they won’t know you unless you make sure they do.

The best way to increase the number of people you have relationships with is to create a Relationship Map:

• Identify the people you need to know—they might be senior to you, peers, or newbies. You never know what assistants might be able to help you if they feel inclined.
• Analyze each person. What are their goals? How might they benefit from knowing you?
• Make a plan to form a connection with each person. And I don’t mean on social media. If a person is very senior to you, maybe ask for a short meeting to interview them about their job—what they love about it, what skills it requires, what advice they have for you. People love to give advice!

If you find someone super interesting, ask them to mentor you. With others, try to find a common interest. This is where social media may come in handy. Talk about leadership books or baking. Get together for coffee or cocktails, or do something you both enjoy—hiking, taking your dogs to the dog park.

For more on this topic, you can find an articles on Relationship Mapping here and here.

You are well on your way, Future Influencer. The fact that you are reading books on leadership is already a great start. Warren Bennis wrote “Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It’s precisely that simple, and it’s also that difficult.” You might want to put his book On Becoming a Leader on your list.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am director of client services for a global financial consulting group. I have a direct report who has a lot going for her. She is a hard worker, always organized and prepared, and a top performer. She is ambitious and has lofty goals.

But she lacks gravitas.

Like her, I am a woman who looks much younger than I am, and I know from experience that people like me must almost overcompensate by being very serious. This is especially true when seeking to establish “trusted partner” status with customers.

This person has a hard time receiving negative feedback. When I have mentioned this issue to her in the past, she was not open to hearing it. I just received survey results from members of our team, members of other cross-functional teams, and some customers that made it clear that I’m not the only one who sees the need for change.

How do I approach this with my team member? I don’t want to demotivate her, but I am 100% certain that she will not achieve her goals if she doesn’t pay attention to this issue and do something soon. I feel I will be doing her a disservice if I don’t say something. What would you advise?

A Little Stumped

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear A Little Stumped,

It seems like you care about your team member, and you really do have her best interests at heart. She probably has no idea how lucky she is to have you in her corner. And I agree that if you don’t tell her now, it will only get harder for her to understand why she isn’t advancing the way she thinks she should be.

There are two important parts to helping your team member:

First, help her permanently shift her relationship to feedback. Being open to hearing feedback, thoughtfully considering feedback, and finding a way to make feedback useful are critical skills for anyone who has ambitious career goals. This may be harder than anything else, but it is kind of a precursor to the gravitas piece. Foundational.

I once read a study showing that some people come wired with an openness to feedback, and you must hire for it because it can’t be taught. The study wasn’t replicated, so I am not 100% convinced, but it did stick with me—especially when I am hiring. And it hasn’t stopped me from trying to help people shift. The thing about working as a professional coach, however, is that people who sign up for it are de facto willing to hear feedback and open to change.

How might you help her shift? Possibly by using a coach approach and asking questions like these. (Note: These are just ideas—hopefully your experience with your person will help you to pinpoint a few that might work)

• I have noticed you have a bit of a hard time with feedback. Can you tell me a little bit about that?
• What do you think might be contributing to your reaction?
• What is your understanding of the purpose of feedback in professional growth?
• What do you think are the potential benefits of being open to feedback, even if it makes you a little uncomfortable at first?
• Have you ever had a situation where feedback led to a positive outcome? How might that experience be useful now?
• Have you noticed any patterns or recurring themes in feedback you receive? Is there something useful to consider there?
• What might it take for you to be more open to receiving feedback?
• Can you envision a future version of yourself who is more open and receptive to feedback? How could you move closer to that vision?
• What advice might you give to a friend who struggles with feedback?
• Is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to hear feedback from me? And conversely, is there anything I do that makes it hard for you to hear feedback from me?

Getting this person to make the shift to seeking and using feedback will help her for the rest of her working life. You would be doing her an enormous service. I personally had a crossroads moment with a teacher who helped me with this exact issue, and I am grateful to this day.

Now the gravitas part:

It is tricky, right? Because the risk is that we are saying we want you to be authentic—but not that authentic.

Here is a past blog I wrote on this topic that might be useful. The biggest issue with a concept like gravitas is that it is a combination of a couple of very specific things that contribute to the effect of not having it.

There are so many little micro behaviors, often habitual, that conspire together: tone of voice, volume, affect, use of language, energy management (too much/too little depending on mood), lack of discipline with interrupting others, allowing others to interrupt. It goes on and on. With women especially, a common habit that diminishes presence is touching the face and/or hair. It is so unconscious, almost no one I have worked with had any idea they were doing it. 

 I am guessing you can identify a few of the little things she does that diminish the impression that she is a reliable person with authority. The key is to choose the behaviors that are most egregious and help her to notice those.

The first step is always to just pay attention and notice. 

 Then, have her consider what she might do differently. If it is a behavior that needs to be stopped, it can be helpful to brainstorm what she can do instead. For example: “Instead of touching my face, I should always have a pen in my hand and a notebook, and never take my hands off of those items.”

The other angle to gravitas is dress and grooming. This is so hard because it is so personal, but if someone doesn’t tell you, you won’t ever know. If that is the issue, you can share pictures of appropriate clothes for executive women. People can get a little cranky when you tell them that they can’t wear crocs to client meetings, or that shaving one side of their head doesn’t send the right message in their chosen industry. As people rise in organizations there has to be a certain level of being willing to wear a “costume” to signal who you are to others. It may feel disingenuous or shallow, but it is simply human nature.

Start with the crux of the matter: learning to deal with feedback is non-negotiable. Then tackle the gravitas concern. She may become demotivated. She may blame you. She may take it so personally that she can’t recover. If that’s the case, she does not have what it takes to achieve her goals, and that won’t be on you.

Be direct but kind. Tell the truth as you see it, including that fact that you are motivated to tell her these hard things because she does have so much going for her, and you would hate to see her held back for any reason.

 You will have done your best to help. The rest will be up to her.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a bioengineering company that was a successful startup. It is now well into its seventh year and we still have our founding CEO. As the fairly new COO, I report directly to him and he is driving me insane. Every time he and the other leaders in the organization meet, we have new conversations but never follow up on past conversations. The agenda for these meetings is never clear, much less sent out in advance so that we can prepare.

I knew working for a founding CEO was going to be a challenge, but I just don’t see how anything is going to get done the way we are operating. Any tips for corralling our CEO?

Trying to Get a Grip

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Trying to Get a Grip,

It sounds like your boss fits the classic profile of the entrepreneur CEO: action oriented, risk taking, fast moving, and wildly creative. I grant these kinds of leaders can be maddening for others who are process and detail oriented. Since you are at the executive leadership level, would it be crazy for you to take on organization of leadership team meetings? Obviously you would want to ask your CEO first and get his agreement. He might just be waiting for someone else to take it on.

You could organize the meetings into sections:

• Old action items, with updates on actions taken and obstacles to be aware of
• New topics, with clearly stated owner of each topic and desired outcomes
• News and announcements

This is just off the top of my head, but these are fairly standard. If you feel strongly about having an agenda, you will probably have to put it together yourself. If your CEO has a chief of staff it would be that person’s job, but it doesn’t sound like that is the case. You would have to ask your fellow leaders to give you their agenda items in time for you to put them on the agenda.

Another thing that might help you to gain some clarity on all of the conversations is some distinction for the kind of conversation you are having at a given time. When talking about possibilities, there are three kinds of conversations:

1. Speculative: When you are brainstorming possibilities or an idea for something you might take on.
2. Planning and evaluation: When you are attracted to an idea and are now playing it out and poking at what it might look like to execute if you decided it was worthwhile. You are playing devil’s advocate, sharing examples, anticipating obstacles, and evaluating whether a course of action would achieve the desired outcome.
3. Decision making: You are deciding on a project or course of action and determining whether or not you will go ahead with it. This is where, as a team, you can use a RACI chart to make sure everyone knows (1) who is ultimately responsible for execution and achieving the outcome, (2) who needs to be accountable to that person for specific action items, (3) who needs to be consulted, and (4) who needs to be kept informed. For this conversation, you can flag specific milestone dates to put into that week’s meeting agenda so that the responsible team member can share updates.

I don’t know where these distinctions came from, but I learned them from my husband who is the president of our company and who fits your CEO’s profile. He would throw out ideas only to find out weeks later, to his dismay, that someone had started to execute them. He had to train his leadership and extended leadership team to recognize the difference between speculation conversations, planning and evaluation conversations, and decision making conversations. You might consider sharing these distinctions with your CEO so at any given moment you can ask what kind of conversation you are having.

If you try just these two ideas, I suspect you will feel a little more sane. Your CEO will still be himself, but there will be a bit more discipline in place so that the whole team will feel more grounded.

It sounds like you have your hands full but are in a position to add value and make an impact. Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the operations lead for a region in a global manufacturing company. I oversee physical plants and offices, and work closely with HR around issues of safety and compliance and supply chain. You name it, most problems end up on my desk. I manage four teams that report to me.

I am direct, no nonsense, and very matter-of-fact. My strength is that I am a creative problem solver and I get things done. I am not unfriendly per se, but no one would call me warm and fuzzy.

My boss, the EVP of Operations who reports directly to the CEO, is grooming his successor and I know he wants it to be me. I am single and have no kids. It would be easy for me to relocate to HQ and I know I can do the job.

Here is the challenge: I have been told, and others have given feedback about me, that I am intimidating. I have heard it my whole life. I’ve tried to be “nice,” but I don’t believe it has made much of a difference. I don’t get it.

The part that really bugs me is that I know if I were a man, this simply wouldn’t be an issue. Most of the people I work with are men and I suspect this is just straight-up sexism. What can I do about this?

Intimidating

________________________________________________________

Dear Intimidating,

Oh, I hear you, my friend. You are probably right about the gender thing. Sexism is probably a strong word to use at this point because, so far, it seems you have not suffered from active discrimination. But you are suffering from perceptions governed by deeply ingrained cultural norms.

It is simply true that when people feel intimidated by a male boss, it feels normal to them, but when the boss is a female, it somehow feels wrong. Intimidating men are Alphas. Intimidating women are—well, you fill in the blank. There are a few tactics you can try to reduce that perception, but ultimately you are still going to be you and you are still going to be female—and there is very little you can do to change either of those things. I will share a couple of tips in a moment.

First things first. You need to ask your boss how important this feedback is and how much effort he thinks you need to put into changing your MO to reduce the intimidating impact you have on others. You may be over-focusing on it. You need to find out if it will be a deal breaker when it comes to your promotion—and you should try to find out exactly what you do that makes people feel intimidated by you. It may be something you are completely unaware of. Perhaps you interrupt people or cut people off if you disagree with what they are saying. Maybe you roll your eyes when someone says something you think is stupid. Perhaps you use subtle language that telegraphs your judgment of others. Or maybe you do none of these things. But if there are one or two specific little things you can stop doing, it will make it easier for you to choose how to change.

Here are some small things you might think about doing to try to reduce your intimidation factor.

• My experience of females who get this kind of feedback is that it isn’t as much that you are intimidating as it is that there are people out there who are easily intimidated. You probably have a lot of energy and can be laser-focused on the matter at hand to the exclusion of paying attention to the people around you. So spend some time noticing the people you work with, their personalities, and their communication styles. Both men and women expect women to be more interested in the details of their lives. Is this fair? No, it is not. But it is the reality, so in your no-nonsense way, get over it. The more you can learn about what is important to your people—kids, sports, cooking, dogs—and connect with them over those topics, the more they will warm up to you. This may be boring to you, but think of it as part of your job. Spending five minutes before launching into problem solving to ask people how their weekend was, how their kid is who got Covid, or how the soccer game went goes a long way toward making you a little more human. It will be a stretch for you, but if you breathe and listen, you can do it.
• Remember that you came wired with a force field around you. People feel it when you walk into a room. When working with a team, especially with people who don’t know you yet, you can make yourself a little bit more accessible by simply explaining: “I move very quickly and tend to focus on solving problems and getting things done. It isn’t personal, and if I move too fast, you should let me know. I am always interested in what you have to say. And though I may seem stern, I am fair and will always tell you the truth.”
• I hate to say it, but I have learned this one the hard way. This is especially true in the US, but it is also universal, and I have worked with men on this, too: Smile. Smile when you greet people. If you are happy to see people, tell your face. Smile when you are listening to people—not a big fat smile, but not the frown you probably wear when you are listening for problems and your wheels are turning a mile a minute. Thank people for their hard work, acknowledge them for a job well done, and smile when you deliver the message. It is a tiny thing and will be a new habit, but it will probably make the biggest difference.
• Watch your language and your sense of humor. I once worked with a female leader who, upon hearing about a big mistake, would say things like “Who did that? Heads will roll,” and “I need to know what throats to choke.” She was always (kind of) kidding, but people were terrified of her and would not escalate problems appropriately. Her entire unit was chaos.

It sounds like you run a tight ship, and your region probably runs like a well-oiled machine. The key is to remember that your people are not simply cogs in that machine.

Part of being a senior leader is knowing how to bring out the best in people and to make them trust that you care about them and have their backs. There is an interesting thought piece that just came out about the disastrous impact Elon Musk is having at Twitter and how out of touch he is with the expectations of modern leaders. The most important assets of any of today’s companies are its people. People stay with companies when they feel like they matter. It is really that simple.

So you can be the smartest person in the room, and as direct and no-nonsense as you are, while still sending the message that you care about each person you are working with. You will probably still be intimidating to some because of your exceptional competence. But at least people will know you are on their side and are using your superpowers for good.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am going to start a role in a new team soon. I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to seem confident and establish credibility.

I am on the younger side and I am not a very confident person to begin with. In my previous roles, I noticed that some people started talking down to me—for example, explaining things I already know or even taking credit for my work. I once told someone some ideas I had and during the next meeting, before it was my turn to talk, he shared all of my ideas as if they were his.

Do you have any suggestions on what I could do to avoid these situations? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Starting a New Role

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Dear Starting a New Role,

Congratulations on your new role. Your question shows that you are a planner and that you are thoughtful—two strengths you have going for you. Your description of your previous experiences reveals that you are observant, which is another strength. The fact that you were once undermined by a co-worker who had no compunction about stealing your ideas and sharing them as his own is painful—but excellent—experience. I hope it taught you not to trust anyone until you have evidence that they are trustworthy.

A lot of appearing confident when you aren’t is physical. This means standing up straight, smiling and making eye contact with everyone you engage with, and maintaining stillness. Women, especially, tend to play with their hair, touch their face, or fidget with their accessories—a bag, jewelry, a phone. So don’t do any of those things. To keep yourself from movements that may signal discomfort, keep your hands loosely together in your lap or on a table and breathe.

If you feel yourself getting overly stressed, try two-to-one breathing: simply breathe in for three counts, hold for one count, and release the breath for six counts. Repeat. Or you can do two and four counts—whatever works for you. The research shows that this kind of breathing enables your parasympathetic nervous system to calm you down in a way that deep breathing doesn’t. And no one has to know you are doing it. Another benefit is that the counting occupies your mind and makes you appear alert and interested.

I would refer you to the work of Amy Cuddy, who wrote an entire book on Presence—and how the way you hold your body can actually change your brain, how you feel, and how others perceive you. Her research has been challenged—but I will tell you that I have experimented personally with her methods and they help.

I learned another technique from the autobiography of Laurence Olivier (the most famous actor of his day), where he describes how he suffered from almost paralyzing stage fright at the height of his success. The method he found that helped him overcome it was to feel the soles of his feet on the ground. I know that sounds weird, but I have had plenty of stage fright myself and it has worked. It literally gets you out of your head and back into your body.

The physical stuff is your first line of defense. The next step is to manage what goes on in your head. This is where your strengths will really help you. Use your powers of observation. Instead of second-guessing yourself, pay attention to others. Ask yourself what is important to each of the people you are interacting with.  How do they think? What are their strengths? The more you pay attention to others, the less attention you will pay to whatever doubts you may have about yourself. The more information you gather about everyone you work with, the more you will be able to tailor your communication when you interact with them.

Credibility will come with delivering the results that are required of you. So do everything you can to first get crystal clear on what your boss and teammates are expecting from you—and then deliver. Make sure to follow through on any commitment you make, and only make promises you know you can keep. Ideas are all fine and well, but execution trumps pretty much everything.

Don’t worry about what to say. It is better to keep your mouth shut until you have something to say that you are 100% sure of. And when you are ready to say something, state your position and how you came to it. Straightforward, simple, and to the point. If you must speak in meetings, again, keep it simple and to the point. And of course, you already know how to not share your ideas with anyone until you know you can trust that they won’t take credit for them.

I would question your assertion that people telling you things you already know is the same as them talking down to you. It’s possible these people are just trying to be helpful. I guess my point here is that you don’t need to make assumptions about people’s intentions. If people are telling you things you already know, all you have to do is smile and say “thank you.” If people are offering help you don’t need, all you have to do is say “thanks, I’m all set.” It doesn’t hurt to cultivate relationships with people who want to help you. We all need all the help we can get! Nobody reaches their goals or achieves their dreams by themselves.

Pay attention, take notes, deliver on expectations. Stand up straight, keep your hands still, and breathe. Trust no one until you know they can be trusted.

You are going to be great.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a smart woman with an impeccable work ethic. I get more done in less time that just about anyone I know. The “Exceeds Expectations” box is checked on nearly every dimension of my performance reviews over the last few cycles.

I have been a director in my company for a few years now, and last month I did not get the promotion to AVP that I expected. It is a running joke in the organization that we have so many AVP’s—as in, you have to really not be delivering if you don’t get there in a few years. That is certainly not the case for me, so I finally cornered my boss for an explanation.

He was obviously worried that he might say something wrong, so he beat around the bush for a while. But what I finally got is that apparently I am perceived as too young, bright-eyed, and enthusiastic—and I lack “gravitas.” I had to look it up. To be fair, I am young and I look even younger than I am. I am super extroverted, love connecting with people, and have been called “vivacious.” My friend group nickname for me is “Bubbles.”

I tried to get my boss to tell me what I should change to be considered for a promotion, but he didn’t have much to say about that. He just kept saying “You need to work on your executive presence.”

Where do I start?

Bubbles

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Dear Bubbles,

I want a friend named Bubbles. How delightful you sound. I am sorry that your assets (looking young, having so much energy, being enthusiastic) are working against you achieving your career goals. It tends to be the case that our greatest gifts can have a dark side. I feel bad for your boss, hapless as he is, because this kind of feedback can feel so personal. Since some of it might be connected to your being female, it could also get him in hot water with HR. So he has left you to figure it out on your own. That is pretty common.

Gravitas, according to Merriam-Webster, means: high seriousness (as in a person’s bearing or in the treatment of a subject). Oxford says: dignity, seriousness, or solemnity of manner. Essentially, people with gravitas are seen as expert, experienced, believable, steady, and trustworthy. I have experienced women getting the “gravitas” feedback quite a few times. And yes, it does always seem to be women. Although God forbid that a woman be perceived as dour, humorless, or a party pooper.

I’d love to say “Go ahead and continue to be your authentic self—your brilliance and work ethic will eventually speak for themselves,” but I would be doing you a disservice. Perception of others is not necessarily a true reality, but it is nevertheless a reality, and it is keeping you from getting what you want and deserve. There may be some value in making the effort to shift it. Not in trying to change your nature—I would never wish that on you, and it usually doesn’t work anyway—but in consciously managing your behaviors at work to shift others’ perception of you.

The key is to identify behaviors that make you seem young, overeager, impulsive, or somehow not serious. Ask your partner and your wonderful friends “What do I do that makes me seem young, or not serious, or not believable, or downright annoying?” Promise them you won’t get mad. Your feelings might get hurt a little—but better to know now, don’t you think? It could be very illuminating.

Now choose a few behaviors you think you might be able to notice and stop. Start with one:

1. Notice when you do it.
2. Pay attention to peoples’ reactions.
3. Wonder: What might I do differently? How might I express my opinion, thought, excitement with a little less—bubbliness?
4. Consider what is the shift—from what to what. See some examples below.
5. Try on a new way. You will fail. You will forget. Keep it up and notice how the reaction of others changes.

Once you get a good hold on one behavior, move down your list.

I can rely only on my own perceptions of people who lack gravitas to give you examples of potential shifts. Maybe some of these will resonate.

Here’s the thing, Bubbles—the silver lining of this situation is that it won’t last forever. The beauty of age is that you will gain the benefits of everything you have learned and achieved, and no one will dismiss you for being too young. And when you are the boss, you can still rely on your good behavior habits but allow yourself a little more leeway. You can wear the funkiest glasses you can find. You can guffaw. You can show your tattoos. You can be completely and unapologetically yourself. You will get there—age leaves no one behind. And until you do, direct people’s attention to what matters most about you—your intelligence, your work ethic, your commitment to excellence, and your knowledge and skills.

Effervesce all you want with your friends and family. Fizz away with pals at work who already “get” you, on breaks, offline.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.