Dear Madeleine,

I read your blog from last week and it struck me that I could use some tips from you about the problem you skipped in your answer to the letter writer.

I, too, have been passed over for a promotion. It happened at my last company, which is why I left, but I am having the same problem in my new job.

I have been here for three years now, and despite doing very well managing a couple of teams and getting “exceeds expectations” on every performance review, the last time I interviewed for a job at the next higher level they brought someone in from the outside. From all reports the person is mediocre at best.

I got great feedback after the interview, and my own manager (a peer of the new hire) was apologetic. You may tell me to ask for more feedback, which I have done, but I haven’t heard anything I can use. It all seems to be positive.

I am very frustrated. I know I must be doing something wrong, but I don’t know what it is. I thought you might have some insight.

Passed Over. Again.

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Dear Passed Over. Again.,

I am very sorry for your frustration. I’m also sorry because, of course, there is no way for me to know exactly what is going on without more detail. I can only share possibilities and hope you can pick something out that might be useful.

In my experience, there are two types of factors that come into play when a seemingly ideal internal candidate is passed over for a senior-level job. First, there are external factors that have nothing to do with you and over which you have no control. Then there are individual factors that have everything to do with you and how you are perceived. I will outline both and hopefully something will resonate for you.

External Factors: These are the things you have no control over but you might be able to influence in the future. These include a need or desire for:

• An innovative approach – Even companies that claim to be committed to hiring and promoting internally sometimes yearn for a new perspective, or fresh eyes, as it were. It is very easy for companies to become too insulated and lose their edge if they are not hiring from a wide field and also from the competition.
• Expanded network – Some critical positions require a person who has a wide network of relationships inside and outside the industry. This most often true for sales and highly technical roles.
• Increased diversity – Less of an issue for many US-based companies than it was even six months ago, many organizations believe building a more diverse senior leadership will help them in the long run. Research certainly shows this to be true.

Finally, sometimes you are up against old-fashioned nepotism. People like to hire people they know well. It’s just human nature. So if the choice is between you and the EVP’s bestie from grad school, there really is no competition. Most annoying, though, is when you lose out because the hiring manager feels beholden to a person or family member. It happens a lot in politics, of course, but it actually happens everywhere all the time. This kind of thing can be so covert that almost no one is aware that it’s happening.

Individual Factors: This list will be longer, although is not exhaustive. The questions to ask yourself as you review these possibilities are:

• Have I ever received feedback about this but didn’t pay attention to it?
• Could this be true of me?
• If this were true for me, what might I do to remedy it? Am I willing to do it?

The individual factors that contribute to anyone being passed over more than once for a job they feel eminently qualified for can be broken down into three main categories, which are all connected.

Poor or Insufficient Internal Networking

• Lack of visibility – If leadership doesn’t see or recognize your contributions, they might be overlooked even if you are super competent.
• Weak internal networking – Promotions often go to those who build strong relationships with key decision-makers and people who have influence, not just those who do good work. This truth is often unwelcome because most of us wish it weren’t the case. If this rings a bell for you, you can complain that life is unfair because success is all about who you know, or you can get over yourself and make it your business to get to know people. This may sound harsh, especially if you are extremely shy or introverted. I am sorry for that. If you need help with how to go about building and nurturing a solid network, you can find my article about relationship mapping here and more tips here.
• Organizational politics – Favoritism, alliances, or internal politics can skew promotion decisions away from merit. There isn’t a whole lot to be done about this, but building a lot more relationships will help.
• Risk-averse leaders – Managers may favor a sure thing even if another candidate shows more promise. If there is a choice between promoting someone who has donethe job elsewhere and someone who may be able to do the job if given a chance but is as yet unproven, many will go with the safe choice. It can be tough to combat this tendency, but it can be done. How? You have probably heard that to get a new job, you have to do the job you want in addition to the job you have. This is another fact that is hard to stomach, because who wants to do that much more work? Ambitious people is who. And wow, is it tricky, because how on earth does that work? How do you take on projects or tasks that aren’t in your job description without seeming overly pushy or stepping on toes? It does demand finesse. It requires you to identify things that need doing but aren’t being done, as well as the support of your manager. What tends to work well is volunteering to take on non-official (and usually thankless) work such as organizing culture-building events, enrolling other volunteers, and making the extra work fun and interesting for people.

Lack of Compelling Executive Presence or Other Intangible Qualities

• Perceived lack of leadership potential – Someone may be great at their current job but not able to demonstrate the executive presence, strategic thinking, initiative, or influence needed for a higher-level role. This one is particularly thorny because these qualities are rarely broken down and explained to someone who is told they lack them. The best resource that details what these terms generally mean, with great ideas for what a person might do to improve, is FYI: For Your Improvement. An oldie but a goodie, this is easily one of the most dog-eared books I have on my shelf. It’s ideal for go-getters and the coaches who work with them.
• Mismatch with company culture or values – You might be technically qualified, but not aligned with your organization’s leadership expectations or communication style. Have you researched the company’s leadership competencies (if any exist)? Can you reel off the company’s values and point to how every one of your accomplishments reflects one or more of them?
• Soft skills gap: Strong communication, collaboration, or conflict management skills are often valued more than technical skills at higher levels. If you don’t have a chance to demonstrate these types of skills in your current job, ask your manager to keep you in mind for projects that will allow you to do so. If you do use these skills in your job, it is possible that your manager is unaware of how you have been tested and have risen to the occasion. In that case, it is up to you to point out ways you have used skills as part of your regular performance review.

Inadequate Attention to Personal PR

• Unwillingness to toot your own horn – I get it. Humility is a very attractive trait, but the truth is that you have to toot that horn because it isn’t anyone else’s job to do it for you. So, as stated above, it might be time to rethink how you approach your performance reviews. As someone who managed people for over 30 years, I can attest that the individuals who fared better—many of them quiet high performers—made sure when it came to performance review time that I was crystal clear about every little thing they had accomplished within the period. I mean every obstacle they had overcome, every goal or task they had achieved, and every skill they had worked on.

You might wonder if this is fair. Probably not. But every manager has a full-time job in addition to managing people. If you make everything look easy, they might be forgiven for thinking it was. I have seen some extraordinary excel spreadsheets and I can tell you, they were persuasive.

• Limited business impact – Candidates who don’t tie their work to broader business outcomes (e.g., revenue, efficiency, innovation) may seem less promotable. Business impact can be fiendishly difficult to pinpoint and may require some creativity on your part. You have to find a way to define and articulate your and your team’s impact and make sure everyone knows about it. Again, this might be a column in your spreadsheet.
• Unclear self-promotion – People who don’t articulate their goals or advocate for themselves can be overlooked in favor of those who do. Again, I know, yuck—who wants to have to promote themselves? Mostly people who annoy us, and we don’t want to be like them. But there are ways to do it without being smarmy. I would refer you back to the book FYI for reasonable tactics that work for you instead of against you.

Another thought is to identify the people around you who successfully self-promote and observe how they do it. I currently work with one woman who somehow makes everyone love her and want to work with her. I am still not quite sure how she does it, but I can tell you it has a lot to do with building relationships and making sure people know she cares about them. Which brings us back to networking. Thus, the virtuous circle.

Whew. That’s a lot, huh? But here’s the thing, Passed Over. Again., you don’t have to address all of these ideas at once. A couple of these things will strike you as possibly true for you and potentially doable. Start with those and see where they take you.

I would love to work in a meritocracy, my friend, but I have yet to find one. Humans are complicated and merit is simply the door opener. Everything else is relationships. You know you have value to add, and it is your job to collect as many people who see it as clearly as you do, in an organic and graceful way.

If extreme external factors aren’t at play, and if you start now, I guarantee you won’t be passed over next time.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior leader in a highly specialized digital publishing organization and I have about 14 direct reports. Organizationally, I’m third in seniority. My plan is, by the end of 2025, to transition out of this role and into my own coaching and consulting business. I’d be working with some clients, but primarily in an adjacent field.

I am currently working on building up the coaching business on nights, weekends, and off hours. I’ve been able to grow what had been a side hustle into what looks to be a successful final chapter for me (I’m 60 years old) without it affecting my productivity in my current role. My boss is aware that I do this coaching and consulting work, but at this point he is not aware of my plan to transition into coaching full-time in early 2026.

My questions are: when is the appropriate time to tell my boss I’m planning to exit, and how do you recommend I share the news? I want to give him adequate lead time as I think this news will create some significant disruption, and I would like to be involved in handing off the baton to whomever is next to step into my role. But I don’t want to risk my boss overreacting and ending our relationship before I am ready to go.

Thanks for your wisdom. I just want to be—

Smart

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Dear Smart,

First, congratulations on creating a successful side hustle while working full-time. That takes a lot of focus and energy, and it is a huge accomplishment. And welcome to the coaching profession. I hope it brings you all the fulfillment it has given me.

I am struck by how thoughtful you are about your transition out, as you clearly have the success of your company at heart. Your question is interesting on many levels, and it is hard to give you a definitive answer without knowing your company’s culture and your boss. But just the fact that you are concerned about what to me sounds like an irrational overreaction is a clue that your boss values loyalty over proper planning. So, not to be annoying, but as a coach you will recognize the approach: Given what you know, what advice would you give a friend in your position?

I have such a high value for clarity, communication, and planning that it’s hard for me to get my head around a boss who wouldn’t appreciate the heads up, welcome your help in preparing your successor, and wish you Godspeed when you are ready to go. In fact, most leaders I work with would appreciate knowing what someone they depend on is thinking about the future. But you do have concerns, and they come from somewhere, so I encourage you to heed them.

It is the norm in most companies to encourage senior leaders to create a succession plan and actively develop their successors. It doesn’t sound like that is true in your company, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still do exactly that. I urge you to identify any likely candidates among your 14-ish direct reports. Once you’ve got your short list, you might delegate parts of your job or assign these folks tasks that will ensure they learn and develop. At least one or two of them will show evidence that they can take on your job.

The rule of thumb for senior executives is 60 days’ notice—ideally, 90 days for a super smooth transition. If you are really worried that your boss will fly off the handle and retaliate, I would suggest that you wait until you are ready to go and offer a range of transition time from two weeks (which is standard) to 60 days. That way you take care of yourself, you don’t run the risk of being ejected before you are ready, and you can flex as needed if you are asked to craft a sensible transition. Be ready with recommendations and your supporting reasoning for likely replacements. That would be the sane, responsible thing to do, and you’ll be able to hold your head high no matter what happens. You may or may not get to participate in the passing of the baton—that will be up to your boss.

I wish you continued stamina and lots of luck in this next chapter you are creating.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I took some business and leadership courses in college and graduated with a degree in accounting. Last spring I got a job in the finance department of a mid-sized manufacturing company. I like the work and I am learning practical stuff.

What surprises me most is just how bad the management is. Not terrible, per se—just non-existent. Our CEO never talks to us and neither does our CFO. And my boss seldom tells me what he expects from me.

I am pretty scrappy. I’ve made friends in the department and I know who to go to for what, so I am figuring it out. We have team meetings, but there doesn’t seem to be a reason for them. We just talk about problems that come up and how to solve them. These meetings usually devolve into complaining sessions and feel like a waste of time.

My boss has told me to put time on his calendar to have one-on-one meetings with him. We have had a few, but they are awkward. He usually seems distracted and it is obvious his heart isn’t in it. He asks me how I’m doing and I use the time to ask questions. I have very little incentive to make these meetings happen. To be honest, I dread them and could easily find other ways to get the answers I need.

 I can get my job done in about 30 hours a week and I’m toying with investing the other time in a side gig, although that doesn’t really feel right. I feel like I could and should be doing more here but I have no idea what it would be. I’m afraid if I were to surface this concern, my boss would pile on so much more work that it would stress me out.

I guess I thought leaders in businesses that do well would actually lead more. How can I get more value out of my current experience?

Disappointed

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Disappointed,

I appreciate how disappointing it is to have believed that out in the big wide world, professionals knew what they were doing. I, too, have suffered from this many times. The bald truth is that when companies do well, it is usually because their product or service is in high demand and the mechanics required to make it all work are barely adequate. More often than not, the long-term vision and strategy are left to chance and the people who make the organizations run are an afterthought, if they are thought of at all.

The question is: what do you do now? Your options are the standard three that we all have when any situation isn’t working for us.

1. Keep Things as They Are

You could maintain the status quo and just enjoy your extra time windfall. Is it dishonest to use time at work to do other things? Many managers feel that if the employee is getting their work done properly and on time, it’s all good. Others want to know if the person has the capacity to do more or different work. The signals your manager is sending you seem to be in the no-news-is-good-news category.

Another thought: there may be a cycle in the company that you aren’t aware of yet. Perhaps there is a busy season when everyone is slammed. There might be some wisdom in taking a wait-and-see approach.

2. Make an Effort to Change Things

This option involves a little more dedication, but might be good practice for the future. It would involve taking full responsibility for getting something out of your one-on-one meetings with your boss. Most people don’t realize the original idea behind one-on-ones is that they are for the employee and need to be driven by the employee. How? Write down what you think your goals, tasks, and commitments are. Keep a running record of everything you do between meetings as it relates to each goal, commitment, or task, so that you can update your boss on your progress. You may discover you aren’t doing everything your boss expects you to do. You may also discover you’re doing some things your boss doesn’t expect you to do, which may enhance his opinion of your performance. It may also provide context for the questions you ask. For more detail on how to supercharge your one-on-one meetings, you can find an e-book here.

All the effort you put into preparing for one-on-ones will provide both you and your boss much needed clarity—and will be especially useful when performance reviews roll around. This may shift how you and your boss are relating.

3. Leave the Situation

In my experience, when people jump ship without making sincere efforts to change the situation they are in, they end up with almost the exact situation in their next job. I am not saying this is all your fault, but you are part of the equation, so figuring out the part you are playing in the state of things can’t hurt.

If nothing changes, eventually you will get bored and it will be time to seek better leadership and more growth elsewhere. You’ll know when it is time.

I am sorry you are feeling disillusioned, but now you know the truth: people are, for the most part, just stumbling along trying not to screw up too badly. It is the rare human who sets sights on becoming a good person and a great leader, and it appears you might be one of them. So—YAY.

Keep on growing!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I think I know the answer to this, but I thought I would just check my thinking. I work in the arts and have been an assistant to many executive directors. My experience is that once people get into that job they never leave, even when they should.

I have been in my current position for a long time, and I have been promised that I will be offered the executive director role in about eighteen months. In the meantime, I have been interviewing for other opportunities and was just offered an executive director position at another institution.

I would prefer to stay where I am. I love the people where I work and am familiar with the requirements of the institution. Moving to a new place would involve a steep learning curve, but it would also be an opportunity for a fresh start.

What do you think?

Torn

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Torn,

I think you know the answer. Every single person who just read your letter knows the answer.

• Because you know that an actual job offer and signed contract is different from a promise of something in “about eighteen months.”
• Because anything could happen, and promises are broken a schmillion times a day. Your current executive director could decide to delay retirement. The board could decide to open a search for a candidate. The job could go to the daughter of the institution’s biggest donor.
• Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

It’s just easier for other people to see the answer because they have no emotional attachment.

Go be an executive director, and enjoy the learning curve. It will serve to make you better at the job.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a young professional woman in the biotech space. I started with one company right out of college and then was recruited away to the company I am with now. I double majored in biology and business, and my company is paying for me to get an MBA right now. I love my job, I love school, and I have big dreams to someday be a member of a team that uncovers new medical approaches with plant compounds.

Here is my dilemma: I spend time with my friends from college (not much, because of work and grad school), and the conversation always seems to turn to balancing career and life, not wanting to be a slave to a company, and not letting our job define us. Most of my friends are pairing up, and it seems that one person (usually the woman) tends to sacrifice their ambition for their partner.

I don’t say much in these conversations because I don’t want to have to defend myself. But the fact is that I am delighted to work all the time, I love what I am doing, and I think my dreams and ambitions very much define me.

My mother is worried I am going to end up alone and will regret being so career-focused right now. Also, she wants grandchildren and I am not at all certain I even want to have kids.

What do you think? Am I making a mistake?

All In for Work

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Dear All In for Work,

Short answer: No. It is a beautiful thing to have a compelling mission. It makes life super fun and interesting. As long as you are reasonably happy, this can make for a very rewarding life—and you sound perfectly happy right now. There is no reason to let yourself be pressured by peers who aren’t having the same experience you are having. Or by your mother (sorry, Mom), who, of course, wants only the best for you but does not seem to see who you truly are. There is one moment in your life when you can focus on your work with no distractions or obligations, and it is now. I say enjoy the heck out of it while it lasts.

Longer answer:

I was born in 1960, so when I was at your stage in life I was being fed what turned out to be a bit of a lie (from the older wave of Boomers) that “women can have it all.” My experience was that women can have it all, just not all at the same time. The other secrets no one mentioned was that the women who want it all need to have three critical things:

1. An unusual amount of stamina. The person who needs to get a solid ten hours of sleep every night, to exercise for at least an hour a day, and to meditate for another hour is going to have a tough time raising kids and crushing a career.
2. A job situation which allows a great deal of flexibility to get work done on their own schedule.
3. A partner (eventually) who is as dedicated to their success as they are to their own.

The thing you have now that so many generations of women didn’t have is choice.

Keep this in mind: the best thing you can do for yourself is keep your options open as you go. As you near your thirties and find yourself on the fence about having kids, you can always freeze your eggs. What you are noticing about how one partner in a relationship tends to sacrifice opportunities is statistically accurate. So if you meet a potential partner who feels right for you, make sure you are upfront about your ambitions and be clear that is not something you are signed up to do, so there is never any confusion. Many young people make the decision to become part of a duo out of fear of ending up alone, but I can tell you from where I stand that making big life decisions out of fear rarely turns out well.

You are asking the right questions, All In. The key is to keep checking in with yourself on a regular basis to make sure you still want exactly what you have created and are creating for yourself. Values—the things most important to us—do change. And yours may change. You just don’t want that to happen without noticing it. The thing you most want to avoid is regret. The more experience and education you accrue, the more choices you will generate for yourself.

You are one hundred percent allowed to design your own life exactly the way you want. Everyone you talk to will have an opinion about it (including me!) and, as interesting as the opinions may be, the only one that matters is yours. As long as you are keeping your options open and your finger on the pulse of what matters most to you, you will be ready to pivot quickly should you desire.

So go, go, go! Study hard, work harder, and enjoy your progress. As long as you stay tuned in to your inner voice, you will be just fine.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a large publishing company. I started here because my dream is to someday be a published author, so I thought I would at least be in the industry.

I have been here for four years. I started in marketing and am now an editorial assistant, which sounds a lot loftier than it is. I get a lot of coffee, manage schedules, and, very occasionally, read submissions.

Anytime I am asked to do anything remotely editorial, I end up doing it on my own time, because my boss—who is very erratic and disorganized—is constantly throwing tasks my way. I also get tasks from other editors who apparently don’t trust their own EA to do them correctly. My free time is when I work on my novel.

My boss recently asked me if I would be interested in managing all the editorial assistants. It sounds like I would still have my job as her editorial assistant, but would also oversee the nitty-gritty for all the others (there are six of us). Basically, none of the senior editors want to do the paperwork involved with annual reviews, vacation requests, or dealing with poor performance.

My boss is positioning this as a promotion. There would be a bump in pay, which would be welcome since the pay is barely adequate as it is (some EA’s work remote, but I am in NYC and the cost of living is absurd). However, the job would entail a lot of responsibility, which would make it almost impossible for me to do the work I want to be doing. Plus, all these people are my friends, and I would be taking the side of their boss in holding them accountable and giving them feedback.

I already know who the slackers are—the ones who duck work and slide by doing the bare minimum. What I really want is a promotion to full-time editor. I have never wanted to manage people; I can barely manage myself. I want more money, but this feels like I’m making a deal with the devil. Also, if I don’t take it, one of my peers will and then I would potentially report to someone I know way too well and don’t respect.

I am in such a muddle. I don’t want to sell out my dream. Can you help me with this?

Deal with the Devil?

___________________________________________________________

Dear Deal with the Devil,

Yes. I can.

I can tell you that you already know the answer. There is no muddle here. You see the whole landscape very clearly. The editors are trying to delegate work that is at best tedious, at worst emotionally draining.

Trying to manage your peers will be the exact nightmare you anticipate. You will be able to manage the poor shmo who eventually bites this fishhook. Just don’t let your lack of respect show.

If you need time to write, you must fight to protect it. You can live without expensive treats like Starbucks, but you can’t give up on your dream. Not yet, anyway.

There are not that many truths to live by. For example, when something seems too good to be true, it is. When people tell you who they are, listen. The one to apply in your case is when you suspect you are making a deal with the devil, you are.

Write.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I am an obsessive reader, so if you need readers, I promise I will read your novel.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior sales manager in a mid-sized company. I love the company, the work we do, and the people. I have been identified as a high potential. My team always hits goal, I get consistently excellent performance reviews, and I have every expectation that I will have a shot at chief revenue officer.

The company positions itself as family-friendly, which has been my experience. We all have a lot of flexibility. As long as people are available and the work gets done, nobody really cares about how. I have one child in preschool and am expecting another one. I am a fairly private person, so I didn’t share the news with anyone until it became obvious. The next thing I knew, a very senior woman in the company—a person I respect who has been a bit of a mentor to me and (not incidentally) who has a lot of influence—walked into my office and said, “I thought you were serious about your career.”

I was floored. What the heck? All I could think to say was, “Of course I am. What makes you think I’m not?” She expounded on how having one kid is fine, but having two means you will never be able to give the job everything you have. Then she said I was “signaling a lack of commitment” by having another kid!

I am so mad. I mean come on, are we still living in 1958? Many people on our executive team—all men— have multiple children. I really thought I had enough of a track record to be taken seriously despite my desire to have a family. I should note that this woman does not have children.

I find myself spiraling, constantly reliving the conversation and having pithy comebacks. I don’t know if others on the executive team have the same attitude. Now I am worried that I am sabotaging my career goals.

What should I do?

Angry and Worried

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Angry and Worried,

I am floored along with you. And I am sorry that someone you trusted thought that sharing their opinion at all, let alone in such a hurtful way, was a good idea.

What should you do? I have some thoughts.

First: Let. It. Go. You are obsessing, going in circles, and engaging in rumination. Rumination is defined by neuroscientists as “a form of perseverative cognition that focuses on negative content, generally past and present, and results in emotional distress.”  The more you do it, the more you create neural pathways in your brain that can become entrenched and self-perpetuating. I don’t think you need to worry about having a disorder—something was triggered in you, and you should be able to manage it. How to let it go? You can read more about rumination and how to stop it here. Most people I have worked with on this (including myself) have had success with a few different methods.

• Get a reality check. Talk to your boss—maybe even your boss’s boss. Check out the woman’s assumptions and assess the extent to which they might be shared by others. Take the opportunity to reiterate your commitment to the company, to the work, and to your own career advancement. Just doing this may very well put your mind at rest.
• Fight back. Meet with your HR business partner or even the CHRO if that makes sense. Get crystal clear about your rights. Share your experience and test out the possibility of lodging an official complaint against the woman for creating a hostile work environment. This may be going too far for you, and could impact you negatively if the woman has as much influence as you think—but you may get support from HR to keep this person’s assumptions from influencing others.
• Write a letter to the woman, including all of your pithy comebacks, that you don’t send. Take the time to write it all down and get it all out of your head. This should help you to stop going in circles. There is something about writing out your thoughts that can be incredibly therapeutic.
• Finally, remember who you are. One of my favorite quotes, attributed to multiple people, is “your opinion of me is none of my business.” Just because someone has an opinion about the ability of women to be both excellent parents and strong contributors at work doesn’t mean it is true. There are literally millions of examples that prove she is wrong. And you know yourself. You obviously believe you have what it takes.

You have allowed yourself to fall into the trap of taking something personally. It is totally normal—we all do it, and we are particularly susceptible when the offender is someone we respect. You must remember, however, that everything your former mentor said is 100% about her, and absolutely not about you. As a sales professional, I submit that you might simply turn this challenge into motivation to prove her wrong. I guess that might not be high quality motivation, but it sure works for a lot of people!

You’ve got this. Will it be easy? Probably not. Can everyone do it? Not everyone has the stamina, the ability to manage chaos, and the flexibility any woman needs to be a great mom while having a robust career. But I suspect you do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at a crossroads in my career. I am 63 years old and have held positions of plant manager and operations manager. I currently serve as director of operations at a company that offers overhead crane and hoist design, manufacturing, and maintenance services. My past has been challenging; I have reinvented myself a few times, turned a company around that was failing, etc.

My current situation is with a family-owned business where the entire family is employed. The owner is becoming less and less engaged and seems to be losing interest in day-to-day operations. When he does check in, his decisions are less than sound. His kids are in their thirties and do not yet seem to have the skills or experience needed to oversee and manage the company.

I have been invited to relocate from the midwestern US to Florida to run a fabricating company. However, due to the poor health of some people in charge of this potential opportunity, I have been told to sit tight until they are ready to decide. I don’t get many opportunities like this, and it seems ideal for my varied background and niche skill set.

My issue is that I am so driven, I feel I need to make something happen. I am a Christian and pray daily, and I know God has a plan for me.

I guess I am looking for your advice on the direction I should take. Is there something I can read, look up, sign up for, or attend to further my passion for my career?

Thank you for your time, Madeleine.

Impatient

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Dear Impatient,

I think you have three choices here:

Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to hire an experienced and skilled CEO to guide the business into the future.

This choice would allow you to stay and continue to make a contribution without uprooting your whole life. You might even consider putting yourself up for the job of CEO. Although you may not feel that you have the requisite skills, many CEOs do come from operations. If you choose this path, you will want to be prepared with clear examples to support your assertion that none of the kids are ready to step into leading the company. I can’t imagine that the owner wants to see the whole enterprise crash and burn any more than you do. Only you can decide if you think you are signed up to lead at that level.

Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to appoint you as mentor/ advisor/ coach to the most competent of the family members in the next generation.

This choice holds some of the advantages of the first choice, but this one would allow you to avoid taking on all of the responsibility while still making a huge contribution guiding young people. For this one, you would need a clear description of the job, not to mention the buy-in from the second generation. They would have to not only be aware of their lack of readiness but also possess the humility to accept your influence. To be fair, this would be a rare and glorious exception, but, hey, it could happen. Of course, you would need to listen to your heart to know if being in service that way would suit your temperament. This, too, would be a form of leadership.

Take a deep breath and decide to wait for the folks in Florida to make a decision while you research other opportunities.

This may be the best option. It sounds as if you have already written off the owner and the kids in your current situation and are ready to jump ship. This choice would just require a little patience. Passion is a very useful quality until it causes us to jump the gun and make rash decisions. You would want to make sure that you are driving your passion instead of letting it drive you. It might be appropriate to check in with the Florida people to get a sense of their timeline—they can’t expect you to wait forever. In the meantime, you may not think there are many potential opportunities for someone with your background, but excellence in operations does translate well across industries, so there may be more than you think.

I can’t tell you what direction to take, but you mention that you have a relationship with God, so I encourage you to spend some time in prayer asking for input on this. My experience is that regardless of religious affiliation, when we ask for guidance, it is often offered. We aren’t always listening when the answers come, though, and we don’t always like the answers.

I hope that some of these ideas are useful, or, even better, that they spark a new idea or insight for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been offered a promotion and need to make a recommendation for the team member who will be promoted into my job.

I have one very likely candidate: my most promising employee. She is consistent with her deliverables and has led some projects for the team with great results. She gets along well with her peers and is well respected all around.

The interesting thing is that this person does not seem very ambitious. Whenever the topic of her career comes up, she claims to be “very happy” right where she is. I can’t tell if that is really the case, or if she just lacks confidence to aim higher.

I don’t want to apply too much pressure and end up demotivating her. What is the best way to approach this? I don’t want to be…

Too Pushy

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Dear Too Pushy,

First, kudos to you for being sensitive enough to care about Very Happy (VH). The key here is get to the bottom of what her “very happy” means. It could mean “very happy for now” or “very happy for the foreseeable future/ you don’t have to worry about me wanting more and seeking an opportunity elsewhere,” or it might very well mean “very happy forever.”

It can be a mistake to assume anything, because your idea of what being ambitious looks like might not match someone else’s. VH may be the kind of person who doesn’t envision a possibility for herself until it is tangible. It might be that she is also worried about coming off as too pushy. You just won’t know until you investigate.

It is generally accepted that all managers need to develop a successor, so you might start by stating that as a fact and asking if she would like to be considered. You could also share that, in your opinion, she is the most likely candidate, but that you don’t want to pressure her. Let her know you are exploring and are open to the outcome.

There is a good chance that VH will ask exactly what the job would entail, so anything you can share about the job description and expectations around ramp-up time would be good to have at the ready. You may think she knows what the job is—but remember, she only sees what you do from where she is sitting.

It is possible, as you mentioned, that VH may not feel she is ready. If so, you will want to be prepared with observations about her strengths and how they would serve her in a more senior role. You might share the challenges you anticipate she would face, and how her experiences so far will have prepared her to rise to them.

If VH would continue to report to you, obviously you would be there to help her get settled in the role. If that is not the case, you might think about offering to mentor her through the transition.

It can be hard for people who have a strong drive to achieve and make no bones about it to understand those who are, by nature, more cautious and guarded with their aspirations. You already are receptive to how VH might play things close to the vest. Honor her nature and continue to be thoughtful, candid, and kind. You might just be able to draw her out enough so she will consider taking what, to her, might feel like a risk.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have had a long and varied experience in law. I started as a public prosecutor in corporate law and rose quickly to reporting to the General Counsel.

My current boss isn’t going anywhere for a long time, and I feel ready to go for a GC position myself. I put feelers out at the beginning of January. I believed taking that step would put a lot of things in motion—ready or not—based on my past experience. And that is exactly what has happened.

I have some really interesting interviews coming up for GC roles that present considerable gaps for me (regarding technical knowledge, not leadership). I am thinking about how to be transparent about strengths and weaknesses (i.e., opportunities to develop) without arguing against myself. I like being in a little bit over my head and figuring it out, but this would be the deepest water yet.

Any framing/grounding thoughts you can share as I expose myself for what might be next?

Ready to Take the Leap

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Dear Ready to Take the Leap,

I am not a headhunter or a career expert, but I do have some thoughts based on working with clients who are always wrestling with getting hiring right. I think there might be some value to the perspective. I hope others with different expertise will add useful ideas in the comments, as well.

• Make sure you are interested and engaged in the company and the industry, and well versed in the challenges they face, so at the very least it’s clear that you’ve done your homework. The last time our board interviewed people for the CFO position, I was a little taken aback by how many final candidates did not bother to achieve even baseline knowledge of our industry.
• Study the CEO and ascertain what matters most to them. What is the vision, what are the values (if any), and how would you align with those in the job?
• You can’t pinpoint all the technical gaps you may have, because you won’t know what you don’t know until you get in there and roll your sleeves up. But maybe you can speak to one or two of them and make it clear you intend to close the gaps, should it come up. I think preparation to address concerns is your best bet on that.
• Clarify your top strengths for yourself. Based on your varied background, it sounds like you are a fast learner and have always depended on being able to figure things out. What else are you naturally gifted at, or what other skills have your developed along the way? Are you fast on your feet when decisions need to be made? Super calm in a crisis? A creative problem solver? Be prepared to share brief examples of how your strengths have been useful to your CEO or your team in the past.
• If a comprehensive job description exists—and I find that even in mature, well-run organizations that is not always the case, especially for the C-Suite level—be ready to address each expectation with how you will rise to it.
• Also be ready to emphasize any transferable experience and skills and how exactly you see them transferring to a different industry or company.

Finally, be prepared with questions that illustrate your curiosity about the business, the industry, and the culture. There is such a thing as a stupid question in this environment, so be sure not to ask something you could easily find answers to in the annual report. You might ask questions like:

• What do you think of as your “secret sauce”—the thing that differentiates your organization from (name a competitor)?
• Of all your strategic initiatives (extra points if you can name them), which is most critical right now?

Companies have two choices when hiring at the C level: either find someone who has already worked at that level (who usually demands a much higher salary) or take a risk with someone who is stepping up. There are advantages to each choice. The advantage of going with someone stepping up is more drive, hunger to prove themselves, willingness to try new things, and humility. You won’t be set in your ways, you will work hard to learn and find the best way. I would say given the kind of complexity any company is dealing with these days, that would be an asset. The more you can demonstrate those qualities—with, of course, the appropriate gravitas—the better off you will be.

Finally, preparation is your friend. Practice with a friend, mentor, or partner and give them some classic behavioral interviewing questions so you can respond with well thought through, succinct answers. Here are some behavioral interviewing questions you can use to get started:

• Describe a situation in which there was a lot of disagreement and you needed to influence your leadership team to consider the option you were proposing more closely.
• Discuss how you have dealt with a tight deadline that required you and your team to go above and beyond the usual.
• What is the worst mistake you have made, and how did you deal with the consequences?

You can ask our friend Google for more examples. It will help you feel ready for anything. Good luck with your big leap. I have a feeling you will land in the right place.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine

I work at a large global company. I was recruited right out of college.

I was homeschooled, went to college early, and completed my undergrad and masters in four years. I only mention this to explain how I am a senior manager at 30. The only people who know my age are in HR. I keep it quiet.

It was incredible at first. Just telling people where I worked got that raised-eyebrow “I’m impressed” look. I was totally bought in and I took full advantage of all the training programs. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I have become a very good manager. I know this because the company regularly provides us with 360 feedback and it appears that my team thinks I can do no wrong.

So what is the problem, you might be wondering. Weirdly, I seem to be the only one who tries to practice what we learn in our leadership training. The higher I go in the company, the clearer it is that the leaders have zero interest in anything but stock price.

Leadership at the level I have reached is all about squeezing the most out of the lowest headcount. That’s how people are referred to: headcount. The level of burnout and mental health issues is staggering. The values are all for show, and the only thing that matters is profitability.

It took me a while to see it, but at this point I am thoroughly disillusioned. I tried to get a reality check during a conversation with my mentor of several years—a seasoned senior person in the company. He all but laughed in my face and told me to grow up. He was surprised at my idealism. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but it kind of crushed me.

I have devoted the last eight years of my life to this company. Most of the time I’ve felt the sacrifices were worth it. I don’t have any close friends who don’t work here. I have missed countless family events, to the point that my parents and sister have kind of accepted that they will never see me. I have nieces and nephews I have never met. I don’t feel like I can talk to my family because they will only tell me “I told you so.” I have never even had a serious romantic relationship.

I literally have no life other than this company—and in a very short stretch of time, I have realized that I have been hoodwinked into giving everything to the equivalent of the death star. I have stashed away quite a tidy nest egg, but a lot of money is tied up in stock options which won’t vest for several more years. I feel like an idiot.

What do I do?

Disillusioned

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Disillusioned,

I am sorry. Disappointment on this scale is terrible—just the neurochemistry of unmet expectations is debilitating. And you are also probably dealing with grief: the loss of a dream is, to use your word, crushing.

I don’t want to insult you, but there is some very good news here. You are thirty. There is a good chance you will live to be a hundred. You have decades, not to mention a nest egg, to reinvent your life. I personally made a complete pivot at your age, and my first professional chapter provided invaluable life experience for me to build on. Many of the people I’ve worked with who reached the top of the ladder only to find that it was leaning against the wrong wall were in their fifties, with big fat mortgages and private school tuitions they were on the hook for. You are young and you are free. It is hard to see that at the bottom of the pit of despair you have landed in, but it is true.

I can’t tell you what to do, but you are obviously super smart and you know that already. What I can do is propose some options for you to think about. Your first move might be to hire a good therapist or coach to help you through this crossroads, because finding your way out of this dark moment of the soul will be a journey.

It will serve you to do some deep thinking about what changed in you that caused you to now see things so differently. What is it about you that kept you from seeing it sooner? What is it that made you so enthusiastic about your job? What can you jettison and what can you keep as you move forward?

In the end you always have a choice.

• You can stay in the situation and suffer. You can’t unsee what you have seen, so staying in the situation will almost certainly lead to severe depression.
• You can try to change your situation. Is it too crazy to think you might be able to stay and change the system from the inside? Keep rising in the company and change the culture to be more aligned with the stated values? That sounds like a long shot, but certainly is a worthy goal. If you go that route, you will need to make a plan for how you might do it and then find ways to stay strong as you execute on the plan.
• You can leave the situation and seek to create a new one.  You could easily pull a full Jerry McGuire—and if you don’t know what I am talking about, watch the movie and you’ll see. Essentially, you will want to get some solid support to catalogue what you have learned from all of this and plot a course of action that makes sense. Make no sudden moves that you might regret.

The choice ahead of you deserves some real thought. You might want to take a long sabbatical—it sounds as if you haven’t stopped to take a breath and look around at the world outside of your bubble in a very long time or even, well, ever. Maybe go spend some time with your family. Go meet your nieces and nephews. Maybe travel a little bit, see the world—it is big and beautiful. Go meet some people and find some new friends who aren’t prisoners of the death star and don’t have Stockholm Syndrome. Take some time to ponder what your purpose is and what you might be able to accomplish with that big heart and extraordinary intellect. Now that you have seen what you don’t want, maybe it will be easier to see what you do want. Maybe you could take a leave of absence—take a break and then gut it out to the next vesting period. Or just walk away. With your experience, you know you will be able to get a job anywhere you want when you decide to go back to work.

With the right kind of help, you can consider all of these options and many more I haven’t thought of. I look forward to hearing what you decide to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently graduated from college and started my first job. The job I was offered was the one I wanted, but on my first day I was moved to a different department and given a job that does not come close to the description of the job I signed up for. The person who hired me is no longer my manager and my new manager has no idea who I am. I show up at team meetings and my manager calls me “Kid,” which I find demeaning. I am fairly sure he does it because he doesn’t know my name.

This all seems unfair to me. I don’t know anyone well enough to try to figure out what is going on. I recently reviewed my employment contract and there isn’t anything in it about what job I would be doing or whom I would report to, so I don’t think I have any recourse legally. I asked my parents, but they are so relieved I have a job, they just tell me to keep my head down and do what I am told.

It just doesn’t seem right to me, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Shunted Around

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Shunted Around,

It probably isn’t fair, and it sounds pretty chaotic. I am sorry that your first job experience seems to have gotten off to such a rocky start. It must feel very disconcerting. I do have some ideas for you.

I agree with your parents, but not with their reason. The job market is hot right now and you would be able to get a different job if you wanted one. I just think it might serve you to give the situation a chance. Take a minute to step back and figure things out, get to know some people, and see if you will be able to make it work. Jumping ship at the very first sign of a challenge means you will never know what you might have missed. Stay and try to get a clear picture of the organization.

Seek to find answers to the following:

• What are the organization’s values? Do they have any, do they try to live by them, and can you align with them?
• Will you be able to use your strengths and find a career path where you are?
• Can you reach out to your new manager and make yourself known to him?
• Can you find people you like and can relate to?
• Are you interested in what the company does—its products and/or services?

Decide how much time you want to give yourself, and then, if you aren’t satisfied with the answers to the questions you have asked, you can start looking for a job.

The one thing I know for sure is that every organization out there is experiencing an unprecedented volume and speed of change. The one you are in is a perfect example of what I see happening everywhere. Political unrest, climate disasters, economic instability, and turbulent social transformation are all forcing leaders of companies to experiment rapidly to be as successful as possible. There is no blueprint available to help them—so if it feels like they are making stuff up as they go, that’s probably exactly what’s happening.

You are not the only one trying to just hang on for what may be a very bumpy ride.

It is entirely possible that your new manager can’t remember your name. He is no doubt just as discombobulated as you are. Our organization has many new people I am scrambling to keep straight, so I can relate. You can choose to take offense at being called “Kid,” or you can revel in the fact that you are so young that it makes sense for someone to call you that. The one thing you have on your side is time, which is a luxury you won’t appreciate until it’s gone. If your manager assumes your work ethic or your intelligence is lacking because of your age, that is a different story. In my experience, the term “Kid” is usually not ill intended. As you get to know your manager, you can respectfully ask that he not use it. But who knows—by then it might feel like a term of endearment.

Try not to fixate too much on fairness, although it is natural to do so. There is so much unfairness in the world and in large, complex systems. Save your ire for those moments when you are being asked to do unethical things or things you don’t know how to do with no training, or when you are seriously underpaid, or when your workload is unreasonable. The chaos and turbulence you are experiencing right now are unfair to everyone in the organization, so it isn’t personal. You aren’t being singled out.

Breathe. Take a step back. Stay open. Try not to worry so much. Just keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Decide on what criteria about the job matters most to you and whether this position can meet them. Experiment with influencing and steering your ship through stormy waters.

You ultimately may decide you do have to leave, but you will have learned so much.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team for a startup health and wellbeing subscription platform. I was super excited at the beginning—the founders seemed to have the right values and care about their employees. As time has passed, though, the competition has increased and none of the strategic targets have been met. With every all-company meeting, the strategy changes and we all feel like pinballs.

Many of our competitors are laying people off in droves. In the meantime, our company has brought in a lot of investors and heavy hitters from our competitors who bring their favorites with them, so there is a very weird dynamic of factions in the company now. We’ve got the old-timers, the Team X people, the Team Y people, etc. All the new groups seem to think they are special and are downright rude to the original folks. At a recent in-person team building retreat, no effort was made to integrate the old with the new. It was poorly planned and a colossal waste of time and money.

My original boss, who I loved and who was a great manager, recently left. It was not made clear why. My new boss came from a competitor. She can’t remember my name and is making it obvious that she wants to replace me with one of her pets. She keeps cancelling our one-on-ones but my team keeps hitting its numbers, so she can’t really fault me. Still, I can’t help feeling like my days are numbered.

None of the promises the company made at the beginning have been kept. A lot of the attraction at the beginning was having equity in the company, but now that it feels like the ship is going down, I can’t see that it will be worth much.

I am torn between the loyalty I felt at the beginning and the disillusionment with leadership I feel now. I would hate to walk away from the equity I was promised, but I just don’t know how much longer I can hang on.

Torn

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Torn,

Startups are notoriously messy and many fail. There are a lot of reasons for this, outlined nicely in this article. The competition in your space is particularly fierce as companies try to attract members and retain them. The overwhelming tone of your letter is disappointment. Disappointment is one of the most unpleasant emotions and can be very hard to face head on. But burying it by putting your head in the sand won’t save you.

I have a few thoughts for you, and you aren’t going to like any of them.

I think you need to honor your own intuition that the top leadership has lost its way. Where are the values that were discussed at the beginning? Are they in writing somewhere? Are they being used to onboard the new people? Are they being used to manage leadership performance? If not, they are an idea that was never executed and might as well never have existed.

I can’t tell if you have actual equity (a.k.a. a written contract) or if it was a verbal promise. If you don’t have anything in writing, I hate to say it, but you’ve got nothing. And even if it were in writing, if you really think the ship is going down, part of nothing is nothing.

Now this new manager situation. If it is okay with you to work for a manager who doesn’t seem to care one iota about you, it is your choice. But, again, you have a very strong intuition that it is only a matter of time before you are ousted. So unless you have a history of being suspicious of dubious behavior and being proved wrong, you are probably right.

I am a big fan of loyalty but it sounds like the vision that captured your heart is gone and the people that built that loyalty have already left. So what and who exactly are you loyal to now? I also love optimism. As someone who has led several startups myself, I can tell you that optimism is critical until it blocks out reality, at which point it becomes toxic.

It really sounds like you know what you need to do but don’t want to admit it to yourself. No one would blame you for feeling torn—you have all of those initial relationships and you worked hard through the first couple of startup phases. No one wants to walk away from what felt like an investment.

Ask yourself “If one of my best friends outlined this situation and asked for my advice, what would I say?” And there, my disappointed friend, will be your answer.

There is a lot of opportunity out there. I highly recommend you go find some leaders worthy of your loyalty, your work ethic, and your hard-won experience.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I report to a CHRO in a large global manufacturing company where I’ve worked for 15 years. About two years ago our company was sold to a group of investors, and they installed a new CEO.

At first the CEO said all the right things about how important the people are—but over time it has become clear that his mandate is to squeeze as much short-term profit out of the company as he can.

He has demanded the kind of cutbacks, especially in HR, that make it impossible for us to do our jobs without working absolutely all the time. He keeps telling us to do more with less, leverage technology, blah blah—the usual. We went from having beautifully designed and delivered onboarding, management training, and leadership development programs to essentially doing the bare minimum for compliance, compensation, and benefits.

It is so demoralizing. Most of the work I am now doing are things I am not well trained for and don’t care about. Our department has made countless presentations explaining the need to bring back development with well researched return on investment. He basically laughs at us and openly insults our work.

My dream was to retire from this job. I am 56 years old and never anticipated I would be looking for a new job at this point in my career. I have watched our CHRO get beaten down to the point where she is just going along to get along. I just keep thinking reason will win the day, and that I have to keep fighting. What else can I do? How do I know when it is time for …

Giving Up?

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Giving Up,

It can be so hard to let go of a dream and face the truth. It sounds like your heart and soul were in the job—so, essentially, you were hooked in a good way. But now you are hooked in a bad way.

You have let the hooks get yanked on long enough. It is time to take those hooks out and walk away. I don’t think anyone would accuse you of folding at the first sign of sign of opposition. And it really wouldn’t be giving up—there is a fine line between falling apart when things get tough and facing reality.

All terrible situations—ones in which you find yourself tolerating the intolerable—come down to three choices:

1. Do nothing.
2. Do something.
3. Leave the situation.

Let’s break this down.

1. You can, as your CHRO has done, do nothing—or as little as possible, anyway. Stay where you are and do what is required as well as you can in a reasonable work week and don’t try to do everything. Wait it out until you are fired for not doing three jobs or until it is time to retire, whichever comes first. This is what is commonly referred to as “quit and stay” and people do it all the time. For me it would be a recipe for a drinking problem, but it clearly works for some.
2. You could keep fighting until your CEO is so annoyed with you that you get fired. You could also escalate your observations about the long-term cost of the lack of training and development to the organization. Of course, the board or the owners may be well aware of what is going on and may have plans to use the profit record of the last few years to re-sell the company at a much higher valuation. You will have to feel that one out.
3. Save yourself, save your sanity, save your health, and get out as fast as you can. My vote is for this one. There is so much movement out there right now, so much re-shuffling, so much hiring. Get your resume shined up, get out on your social media platforms, and work your network. Go find yourself a grand new challenge to be the capstone of what has been a great career (until recently).

I am truly, deeply sorry that this has happened to your company and to you. No one asks for these kinds of professional hijacks, government takeovers, or pandemics and wars for that matter. But they happen and all you can control is how you respond. There will be no medals for dying on this hill.

The choice is yours. I am rooting for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I need your professional advice on career goals or growth.

I worked in the construction industry for 25 years, starting out as an electrician and moving up to a field manager. I essentially went from pulling wiring through conduit to managing the entire field operation on very large, multi-million-dollar commercial and industrial projects. During this time I also was in the US Army National Guard and was called to active duty in 2002. I was wounded in combat and spent the next three years in and out of hospitals and physical therapy.

When I went back to work, I had a hard time with the physical aspects of my job. I decided to use my VA benefits and found a new job with the federal government as an engineering technician. I was technically still in the field, but now I was just making sure others did what they were contracted to do. It was easier work, fewer hours, and a much more secure future. I have done government work now in various roles for 15 years and have moved up the GS ladder in pay and responsibility.

The government is always pushing for individual and leadership development—“grow up, not down” kind of stuff. To be honest, I’m happy where I am. I don’t want more responsibility and I don’t really want to be a supervisor any longer. When I have said this to my current boss and to some past bosses, they have all asked me why I don’t just go back to the private sector if I feel that way. I don’t understand this, because the growth and development situation was essentially the same in the private sector.

Here’s my question: am I wrong? Should I grow even though I’ll be miserable? I know I won’t be the best I can be. I’m a very good leader but not a good manager. I can inspire others and motivate them to be part of the team, to be themselves, and to contribute all they can in their way. I have an open, creative, teaching mind but I hate the daily grind of supervising people, the miasma of mundane paperwork and budgets, and the sand in my eyes at the end of a long day of computer work.

I have 10 years left before retiring to just work when I want to work, so should I give the government 10 good years doing what I want or should I give them 10 years doing what they want? I’m at the most common rank in the management levels of government service. I have been more senior and could easily keep going on up, but I’d rather just take it easy and slack off on growing and doing.

I know it sounds like I don’t care, but that isn’t it. I just really like the way the job is at this level. Am I wrong in wanting this?

Done Pushing

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Done Pushing,

No. Just No.

Thoughts and feelings are what they are and simply can’t be wrong. The only thing you can do that’s wrong is take an action you may regret without having carefully consulted your thoughts and feelings.

I tried to shorten your letter but I wanted our readers to get the whole picture. It seems to me that you have done more than your duty to your government by anyone’s standards. You’ve earned the right to create your life exactly the way you want it to be. And just who, I ask, is the arbiter of what anyone has earned or deserves? It also sounds like you do your job well and are satisfied with the compensation, so it is a fair exchange.

Long ago I worked with an opera singer who was immensely gifted and had put in long hours to develop her natural talent. She was on the brink of stardom when she realized that the life and career of an opera star wasn’t what she wanted. She was extremely religious and tortured herself with the thought that because God gave her the gift of an extraordinary voice, she was obligated to use it. At the time, I was specializing in working with creative geniuses, many with the overwhelming problem of having been born with multiple gifts. This includes the singer, who was also good at many other things. So the notion that you are obligated to develop and use your gifts just doesn’t compute when you have entirely too many. It took seeing the world through the eyes of these clients for me to realize a principle that I lean on to this day:

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

And that goes for everyone. Including you.

In the singer’s case, she felt beholden to God. In your case, you feel somehow beholden to your government. I can’t speak for God, obviously, but I will say that his ways are inscrutable and mysterious, so you have to listen to your inner voice and your heart. I say the only debts you owe are to yourself and the people you have made promises to.  It doesn’t sound like you are breaking any promises you made to your employer. And you would not be putting your integrity at risk for failing to accept a promotion.

Let’s face it—growth requires discomfort. Some people love being in a constant state of growth and relish the challenge. Others don’t. You might take a few years off to rest and then get bored and change your mind. Or you might not. It is not for anyone else to judge your choices; not that they won’t (ha ha), but it really makes no material difference to you. You can take the pushy advice lightly, say thank you, and change the subject. No use burning bridges, so keep your options open.

The most miserable, unhappy people I have worked with were almost all in a state where they had created a life that others wanted for them, not one they wanted for themselves. And the higher you go, the harder it is to undo those choices.

So no. You aren’t wrong. You get one life, my friend. Are you going to live it the way you want, or the way others want?

I hope this is helpful.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Why would anyone want to be a career builder when they risk losing the people they develop?

It’s a provocative question many leaders answer by not developing their people. But this strategy doesn’t work—because people who aren’t nurtured by their leaders end up leaving anyway.

Career development is about the employee experience. It’s about the leader learning what’s important to the individual on a very personal level and discovering their strengths. It’s about understanding that people are happiest when they are growing and when they are respected for their skills and strengths.

When leaders recognize what’s personally important to the individual, the individual’s performance improves. Every employee wants to use their strengths through the course of the day. It feeds and energizes them. It helps them feel good about who they are and what they contribute.

The best leaders know putting in the time and effort to cultivate their people is always a smart investment. While they may end up losing someone in the end, they know they are gaining the loyalty of the person they are helping. And, in the process, they’ll earn the respect of all of their people.

Have Ongoing Conversations

Smart leaders partner with their people and have ongoing conversations about career development. This includes asking “Where do you want to be and how can I support you in that way?”

This shouldn’t be just a single conversation. It should be a living, breathing dialogue. Leaders should constantly be checking in with their people. When possible, they should partner with HR to create a potential pathway and provide necessary resources such as classes or certification.

Career development doesn’t have to mean leaving for another job. A leader seeking growth can become a mentee of an executive in another department or they can mentor someone who’s more junior.

The right course of action is to give an individual the space and resources to grow and learn more about themselves. The goal is to place a priority on the person, not just have them accomplish tasks. And if there isn’t room for the person to thrive, help them find the next step in their professional development.

Dealing with Doubts

Many leaders find career development conversations intimidating because it’s outside of their day-to-day duties. There’s also fear of the unknown. Leaders wonder if they are opening a Pandora’s Box. An employee could go through a career development journey and decide their current job isn’t for them.

The best way to handle this is to have ongoing conversations monthly, or at least quarterly. Your job as a leader is to make sure there is time on the meeting agenda where you can ask questions such as:

• How are you doing?
• Where are you in your career journey?
• How can I help you?

Making this conversation a standing agenda item normalizes it, which can help eliminate discomfort. Anxiety dissipates because the topic becomes a familiar one. The individual becomes excited and feels like their leader truly respects and trusts them. They come to a place of understanding and clarity. All a leader needs to do is operationalize whatever decision the person reaches—be it staying or leaving for another opportunity.

Happy Employees Are Productive Employees

One effective technique is to list all of an employee’s strengths and create a plan that aligns with their goals. This is powerful because it produces both short-term and long-term results. People get to use their strengths on a regular basis, which translates into happy and productive employees. As for the long term, people who do what they love can make a tremendous difference when leaders assign them to mission-critical tasks. This is one way a company can achieve its strategic goals.

When there’s a mismatch between a person’s strengths and their job duties, they experience little joy at work and the company doesn’t get their best effort. Productivity issues can arise. It’s a lose-lose situation. Making sure a person’s strengths and tasks are aligned can eliminate this problem.

Create Milestones

Effective leaders create milestones that help people reach their career development goals. When you track their progress, individuals feel like they are part of a formalized process.

Creating milestones is an important way to operationalize career development. The individual has a yardstick to measure their growth. The leader shows they want to create a real partnership.

The Gift of Career Development

When you look back at your life, you undoubtably have fond memories of the people who believed in you, encouraged you to cultivate your talents, and put your interests before theirs. They made a lasting impression on you and helped you become the person you are.

Career development is your opportunity to be a mentor who changes someone’s life for the better. What more could a leader want?

Dear Madeleine,

I have a great job in a company I love. I was recently offered a promotion. Even though I thought the change in compensation didn’t reflect the increased responsibility, I was so happy to even be considered that I jumped at it. I now have four direct reports.

Here’s the problem: as the manager, I’m working on our budget (our fiscal year is April to April). I’ve just learned that some people who are doing the same job I just left are making a lot more than I made—and one of them (a man) is being paid virtually the same salary as I am.

I got so mad I considered quitting, but my partner convinced me to take a step back and think it through.  It all seems so arbitrary and unfair that I can barely think straight. I keep thinking this happened because I am a woman and they know I am married to someone who has a high paying job. I feel taken advantage of. 

What do you think of this?

Shortchanged

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Shortchanged

I can understand how upset you are.  From a neuroscience standpoint, when we perceive things to be unfair, all kinds of stress hormones are released—sometimes to the point where we behave irrationally.  Your partner’s advice is smart: taking some time to calm down and look at the situation objectively is the best thing you can do right now. 

Let me just start by saying I’m not an expert on this topic but I’m a woman who has been navigating the workplace forever. I’ve worked with many clients who have found themselves in the same situation as you. My first instinct is always to look for what you can control and what you can’t control.  What you can control right now is your response to this situation.  You can also look carefully at the part you may have played in allowing it to happen.

I think I would feel exactly the way you do right now if I hadn’t heard about the work of Sarah Laschever and Linda Babcock when their first book came out in 2007: Women Don’t Ask: The High Cost of Avoiding Negotiation and Positive Strategies for Change.  The book has since been re-released as Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and The Gender Divide.

The impetus for the book came when one of the authors angrily asked her grad school professor why the guys got all the teaching assistant jobs, and he said “none of the women asked for them.”  Thus began the journey of getting to the bottom of why most women end up making so much less than their male counterparts. It starts with the fact that most young women don’t negotiate their very first starting salary. From that moment, they are behind—sometimes to the tune of more than a million dollars over a career. 

There are lots of cultural reasons for this, but probably the biggest one (in my opinion, anyway) is that women tend to do exactly what you described in your letter: “Even though I thought the change in compensation didn’t reflect the increased responsibility, I was so happy to even be considered that I jumped at it.”  You had an emotional, humble response to being offered the job, which tends to be more common in women than in men.  And you allowed your joy at being honored with the promotion to keep you from honoring your own intuition that the pay was not quite right.  I would submit to you that you probably did the same thing with your first job, the job after that, and the job you just came from.  The man who is now your direct report probably negotiated his starting salary and then negotiated every step of the way, which could be why he is now making so much more than you made for the same job.  Was he offered more money because he was a man?  You will probably never know, but I can tell you that most offers are based on salary requirements of the applicant and market norms.

I once said in this column that as a manager, my job was to acquire the best possible talent for the lowest possible price and that it wasn’t my job to remind job applicants that they could negotiate.  The fact is that most organizations have salary bands that are informed by market norms—and if a manager can get someone willing to do the job for the lowest reasonable offer, more power to them.  A colleague at my company read the column and got mad at me.  She felt that my job as a manager was to make sure that salaries were fair.  I did feel that all salaries among my staff were fair but I also wondered how I personally could be expected to be the arbiter of fairness. My point is that it is tricky.  I also am led by the philosophy that you get what you negotiate in life.  If you settle for the first offer, that is what you get. 

I realize that this sounds very harsh—and it’s really not my intention to make you feel worse than you already feel.  The fact remains that you got excited and leapt before you looked, and here you are, upset about it.  The real question is what now? 

First, I encourage you to get Babcock and Leschever’s book to understand the dynamics that keep women (especially) from negotiating in the first place.  I am not saying discrimination doesn’t exist out there. It most certainly does.  But women are culturally programmed to be rule followers, to grant authority to others when they don’t need to, and to wait to be given something instead of risking their own discomfort—and worse, the discomfort of others—to ask for it. These are the cultural norms that you will need to recognize and transcend to get what you think you deserve.  Unfortunately, no one will do this for you. 

Next, I encourage you to raise the issue with your manager. Explain that when you accepted the job your reason was clouded by excitement and you now realize your compensation does not feel equitable.  Possibly you can negotiate a bonus based on performance, and a bigger than normal raise at your next performance review.  I have worked with many employees over the years who felt their compensation wasn’t quite right. There are lots of ways to address the issue.  But, again, you have to be the one to raise it.  The key is to not blame anyone for the situation or act like a victim.

I would caution you against quitting out of anger.  If you can’t get any traction, then maybe you could start looking.  But if you love the job and the company, that isn’t anything to throw away in haste.  At least give your employers a chance to hear you out and work with you to rectify the situation. If they won’t, bide your time, get your experience in the new position, and then go find something else.  And if you do go elsewhere, negotiate your first offer. As many have said—I read this in an interview with Richard Branson decades ago and it rocked my world, though I still have to remind myself all the time—“If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.”

I hope this incident helps you step up and fight for what is important to you in the future—and that you will always remember it as the moment when everything changed for you. 

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP of sales for a US-based fitness and weight loss website that is in hypergrowth. I started with the company about eight years ago and rose through the ranks, figuring things out as I went.

About 18 months ago, my regional counterpart (I was East, he was West) quit suddenly when someone else was promoted to chief sales officer over him. The amount of regional VPs I managed suddenly doubled and I had a new boss. She came from sales operations, has never sold so much as a Girl Scout cookie, and depends on me for everything.

Since she started, my work has been nothing but a slog. In 2021, I got no recognition or appreciation from my new boss when—despite the doubling of my workload and the crazy COVID disruption—we crushed our sales quotas for 2020. This past year, in addition to my ten regular direct reports, I covered for someone who went out on a six-month medical leave. When I asked for a promotion to senior executive VP, my boss couldn’t understand why that mattered to me and denied me the title change. Then just a couple of weeks ago, without any discussion or explanation, she changed my comp plan. I did the math and discovered I essentially got a pay cut.

It seems like the harder I try and the better I do, the less I am making and the less they care about me. I have tried several times to share with my boss what motivates me (title, money), but she doesn’t listen and doesn’t care. I have received no feedback at all on what I might be doing wrong, so it isn’t a performance issue.

I don’t want to leave my people high and dry, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. How do I make the decision to stay or go? I get calls from headhunters all day long, the industry I am in is exploding, and I have an amazing track record. All my friends think I am nuts for staying. What do you think?

Stay or Go?

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stay or Go?

This sounds really hard. It is hard to imagine what your boss is thinking. Why, if you are doing so well, would she be lowering your comp and denying you something (a title) that costs her nothing when it is so clearly important to you?

I guess my question is: What is keeping you where you are? You don’t want to leave your people high and dry—that’s it? You don’t mention how much you love the company, or the product/service you are selling and the difference it makes in the world. That tells me you will probably be much happier in an environment where your boss appreciates your skills, cares about what matters to you, and has the professionalism to manage conversations like a change in comp properly. I mean, seriously, a change in compensation for a sales professional requires delicacy, tact, and lots of negotiation. I am not in sales, but I know something like that shouldn’t just be an announcement.

Is it possible that because you started in the company early and rose up, you feel a strong sense of ownership that is keeping you stuck somewhere you aren’t appreciated?

What if you were to give yourself one last quarter to do your utmost to prepare your team to be as successful as possible without you, then respond to those headhunters and find a company that will recognize your value and treat you better?

I think when everything becomes an uphill battle, your boss sends messages that you don’t matter, and you are asking yourself every day how much longer you can hold on, those are clues that it might be time to go.

Did I miss something? Only you will know.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

If relationships fail and one decides to pivot away from a toxic organization or situation, what is the best way to tell that story in a job interview?      

For example, I may be asked “Why did you leave that company?” My true feeling is it was all about the toxic culture. The objective truth might be more likely that I failed—ran out of patience, failed to make breakthroughs in those relationships, etc. Ultimately, it was a personal decision to leave based on my mental, emotional, and professional health and career choice. 

What do you think?

Preparing for My Next Step

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Preparing for My Next Step,

First, congratulations for having the guts to jump ship. So many just suck it up and stay miserable. It takes real courage to recognize an intractable situation and do what is needed to take care of yourself.

I consulted our Trust expert and coauthor of the just-published book Simple Truths of Leadership (with Ken Blanchard), Randy Conley, on this one. He says:

“I’d encourage you to be honest in a respectful way that doesn’t disparage your former employer or boss. I’ve conducted hundreds of interviews and have heard the good, bad, and ugly from people sharing reasons for leaving a past employer. The people who impressed me the most have been those whose integrity shined through in the way they explained their departure.

“A good way to get the message across is by using ‘I’ language to take ownership of your decision to leave, while clearly and diplomatically explaining that there was a misalignment between your values and theirs or the culture didn’t provide the type of environment in which you could flourish.

“Yours is a very common reason why people leave jobs, so I wouldn’t get too self-conscious about discussing it in a respectful and professional manner. Remember, your response shapes your reputation.”

I really can’t say it better than that. The only thing I would add is that it might be a good idea to prepare in advance some brief concise remarks about what you are looking for in the culture of your next job. Also, maybe add a little more detail about what you learned about yourself from the experience and what you might do differently in the future should you run into a similar bind. Your last gig made you hyper aware of what you don’t want, so how exactly can you use that experience to define what you do want? And if you are ready to own your part in having to leave, how might you apply that knowledge to build stronger relationships in your next job?

That will keep things on a lighter note—a positive vision of the future is always attractive. And you are ready for the inevitable behavioral interview question: “How might you deal with a perceived lack of values alignment in the future?” It will also assist your interviewer in assessing culture fit for your next potential opportunities.

Both Randy and I wish you the best of luck finding the exact right spot for your next career chapter.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a veteran employee of a large, very healthy organization. I like the company and my co-workers. I’ve had plenty of advancement opportunities and I think my comp package is fair.

I have been managing people for a long time and feel that I am skilled. I am not just tooting my own horn—I get great feedback from my people and my boss is happy with my work. I would go so far as to say that I have had a fantastic career. I only have a few years left before I retire, which I look forward to—lots of grandkids to take fishing, golf, hiking, volunteer work for my local homeless shelter—and really thought I would stay here until I retire.

However, I get calls from headhunters. All the time. I get emails, voice mails, and now, somehow, they have my cell number so I have stopped picking up numbers I don’t recognize. I did have one conversation with someone who tried to convince me that I could have a shot at a senior executive position and a lot more money if I were to consider going elsewhere.

My wife thinks I am nuts not to explore the possibilities, but it feels like Pandora’s box to me. I like things the way they are. What would be the point of starting over someplace new? But then I worry that I might regret it if I don’t at least take a look at what’s being offered.

If it Ain’t Broke

________________________________________________________________________

Dear If it Ain’t Broke,

Don’t fix it.

Sorry you handed that to me on a silver platter. But seriously, don’t.

There are two questions here:

1. What is driving your wife’s agenda? Has she told you that you seem bored? Unengaged? Frustrated with your management team? Does she want you to make a lot more money? Perhaps she is bored with her own life and hopes that your making a big change will be entertaining? Does she resent, perhaps, that you don’t get enough time off to hang out with her? (Not that starting a new job will alleviate that!) The sooner you learn what is at the root of your wife’s opinion that you should turn your wonderful work life upside down, the better. There might be something to learn there.
2. If you were to stay where you are, what would you regret? Regret is yucky. Because it is wishing you could change the past, which is impossible. Do you judge yourself because you were once more ambitious? Did you once have dreams that you abandoned because of responsibilities? Would you be able to realize those dreams in a different company? Have you always wanted to be on an executive team or be the boss of everyone? If that is the case, you might want to go for it.

But what you really don’t want is to make a big leap to start over someplace else, only to find that you miss what you had. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants?

As a coach, I have a duty to help people get crystal clear about their values (what is most important to them), their needs (what they must have to fire on all cylinders), and their wants. In that order. For people to feel most fulfilled, they need first to be in an environment that feels aligned with their values, and then they must get their core psychological needs met. After that, they can use whatever time and energy they have left to get (or do) what they want. Anytime a person shakes up their environment, they must spend enormous brain power and energy stabilizing in a new system. This is why moving houses feels like a such a big deal. Moving jobs is even more of a big deal.

Moving jobs makes sense when you:

• can’t use your strengths,
• can’t change or grow,
• are crushed by political mayhem,
• hate what you are doing,
• hate the people you work with,
• are bored to tears,
• have too much responsibility without the autonomy or authority to use your own judgment, or
• have a fundamental problem with what the company does.

Moving jobs does not make sense to you for a reason; from your letter, it sounds like several reasons. Unless as you read this you get a flood of good reasons to move that you hadn’t thought of, I say enjoy the next few years where you are.

Have the conversation with your wife, though. You might uncover something she really wants that is causing her to push you. Then you can build a plan to help her get what she wants and let go of this conversation.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a great job that I love, with a terrific company. I kind of stumbled into it and felt really lucky to find a job that suits me, with people I respect and like.

I recently had a performance review and my boss made it clear to me that the sky is the limit for me in the company, including a shot at executive leadership in the long term. The thing is, I’ve never given any thought to moving up. I’ve just had my head down trying to do a good job without really considering what might be next. I’ve never seen myself as someone who might even manage people, let alone whole sections of the business.

This apparent lack of ambition might have something to do with the fact that I am an athlete and spend all of my free time training for ultra-marathons and triathlons. I don’t know if I can really do both—rise through the ranks at work and continue to compete as an athlete.

I have made a list of pros and cons (which my Dad recommended) and scoured the internet for help, but I am none the wiser. I’m not at all sure about what I want.

What are your thoughts on this?

Uncertain

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Uncertain,

How delightful to field a good problem! Because it is good; I am sure you know that. But that doesn’t mean it is easy or simple. This sudden vision of possibility will trigger some research and some deep introspection. The great news is that you have time on your side.

The traditional pros and cons list is useful to gain clarity on binary decisions—go/no go, do this or do that—where you have a lot of information. But this decision is not binary, it is extremely complex; and you don’t have nearly enough information. You need to learn not only about what is possible for you but also about who you are and what is important to you.

First: Gather information about what is possible for you.

How to do that? Start by collecting intel about what it might look and feel like to be a senior executive. The most expedient way to do this would be to identify senior people in your organization and ask for an informational meeting. It doesn’t have to take long. Most leaders are happy to be tapped for advice, and most people love to talk about themselves.

To help you shape an idea about what a day in the life is like for a senior executive in your company, try asking questions such as:

• What are your values? Over the years, what has been most important to you?
• Have you been able to stay aligned with your own values as you have risen through the ranks?
• What are your most and least favorite parts of your job?
• What has been most surprising to you about moving into executive leadership?
• How do you spend the bulk of your time?
• What does life/work balance look like to you?
• Have you been able to enjoy other things in your life outside of work?
• Where do you feel you have had to compromise?
• Do you have any regrets?
• What advice do you have for me?

Of course you are not the people you will be interviewing. That’s why it is so important to understand each person’s values. The more people you interview, the broader a picture you will be able to paint for yourself.

Second: Gather information about who you really are and what matters most to you.

It sounds like you are on the younger side, and God knows we are all a work in progress no matter what stage we are in. So whatever you identify right now will only be a start—but it will help you build and refine the answers over time.

I found a great model in one of my all-time favorite go-to books, aptly named The Decision Book: 50 Models for Strategic Thinking by Krogerus and Tschappeler. I cannot recommend it highly enough because it is simply an overview of a bunch of terrific models to shape our thinking around:

• How to understand yourself better
• How to improve yourself
• How to understand others better
• How to improve others

It contains almost all of the models I use with clients again and again.

Your first stop, I believe, will be the Crossroads Model, which comes from a consulting firm called The Grove. Here are the questions it proposes you answer:

• Where have you come from?
  • How have you become who you are?
  • What have been: main decisions, events, obstacles in your life; who are your influences?
  • Think about: your education, your home, where you grew up.
  • What are key words that strike you as important?
• What is really important to you?
  • Write down the first 3 things that come into your head.
  • What are your values?
  • What do you believe in?
  • Which principles are important to you?
  • When everything else fails, what remains?
• Which people are important to you?
  • Whose opinions do you value?
  • Who has influenced your decisions, who has affected your decisions?
  • Who do you like, who do you fear?
• What is hindering you?
  • What in your life prevents you from thinking about the important things?
  • Which deadlines are in your head and what prevents you from making them?
  • What do you have to do, and when?
• What are you afraid of?
  • List the things, circumstances, or people that cause you to worry and rob you of your strength.
  • What things, circumstances, or people make you worry?

Now look at your notes. What is on your list and what is missing? What is your story?

Study the roads that lie ahead of you. There are 6 examples. Imagine each one.

1. The road that beckons: what have you always wanted to try?
2. The road you imagine in your wildest dreams, regardless of whether it is achievable or not: what do you dream of?
3. The road that seems most sensible to you—the one that people whose opinion you value would suggest to you.
4. The road not traveled: the one you have never considered before.
5. The road you have already been down.
6. The road back, to a place you once felt safe.

You have your work cut for you, Uncertain. I am absolutely convinced that if you get a start on these two ideas, you will have a lot more certainty—not soon, but soon enough. You don’t need to rush. Make your plan, get going on it, take your time, and stay relaxed. Don’t listen to anyone who claims to know what your path should be. Do your due diligence and listen to your own inner voice, and you will know enough to at least take the next step.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a scrappy startup that offers a system for weight loss and coaching. It’s for folks who need extra help losing and maintaining their weight and who want a healthier lifestyle. All of the interaction is over text, with some notes being automated to offer specific messages at different points in the program. The service is good, we are helping a lot of people, and I am proud of what we do.

I manage a team of 20 coaches. All have been carefully selected and have received a ton of training. My problem is the owners of the company are constantly trying to cut costs. They keep making decisions that impact the quality of the service and cause my coaches to have to work far more hours than they are supposed to. They are paid by the hour and aren’t paid overtime—but it isn’t humanly possible for them to do what they are supposed to do in the allotted time.

The owners don’t share the financials with us, but I can do math, so I have a sense of what is going on. It is clear they are making bad decisions to amplify profits.

The most recent situation is a perfect example. Several of my coaches put in for and were confirmed for time off this summer, but the plan that has been put into place is absurd: When coaches take vacation, they are not tell any of their clients. The automated messages will go out and when individuals do interact by text, a back-up team will handle all communication. The idea was fine, but it turns out that vacations weren’t coordinated between team leaders so we have a lot of coaches out at the same time. The back-up team is far too small—and some of them, it turns out, work only part time.

My coaches who are on vacation are freaking out. They are getting messages from clients who are upset that no one has replied to them. Some are jumping in and doing the work because they are worried their clients will complain about them and they will get bad reviews or even lose their jobs. I have raised the issue with the owners, who, true to form, seem unconcerned.

Some of our coaching is about having good boundaries and taking care of oneself so stress and resentment don’t turn into emotional or stress eating. It is really bothering me that my coaches aren’t getting their vacation time.

I don’t believe the owners of this company really care about our customers or our employees. I feel like a hypocrite continuing to work here. I would appreciate your view on this.

Stressing

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stressing,

Of course, I do have a view on this. But, honestly, you could just read your own letter out loud to yourself and have all the answers you need.

I don’t fault the owners for wanting to make money—that is the point of being in business, after all. However, the problem here is that if they keep up the corner cutting, they won’t be in business much longer. The weight loss/wellness space is exploding and the competition is brutal. The only way to survive is to be better than the other companies. Lying to customers (!), taking advantage of employees, and poor planning do not bode well for long-term success. Feeling hypocritical is fair—and unpleasant. But lack of confidence in the management of the company might be an even bigger concern.

I’ll bet you could find another similar job elsewhere, with an employer that values their people and has figured out how to run their business. You would be a role model for being proactive, having integrity, and taking care of yourself.

As you look around for another gig, of course, do try to talk to your employers. I imagine they will lose customers just from this last vacation debacle, and maybe they will pay attention to the holes in the systems once the dust settles from this mess.

Honor your instincts that something is wrong in the business, and that you know unsustainable business practices when you see them.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am sixty years old and really love my work. I have had a long and varied career and had hoped to get another decade in before retiring. The institution I worked for closed down for good last year because of COVID. Since then, I have sent out 72 cover letters and resumes. (I have kept track, just in case you think I am exaggerating.)

I have been to the final interview stage three times—in one case, it was a seven-hour Zoom panel interview. Still nothing. I have also received radio silence after three or four in-depth interviews. I can’t figure out what is going on. Maybe I am overqualified—or are people seeing me as just too old?

I have enough savings to get me through until my social security kicks in, but that would be tight and I really want to work. All I hear is that businesses can’t find employees, and here I am, desperate to work.

I just don’t know what to do. I am getting really blue about this. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Discouraged

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Discouraged,

Hi! Boy, this really does sound disheartening. A couple of caveats first. I am not technically qualified as a career coach or counselor, so this is just me using common sense and coaching principles. Perhaps a qualified career counselor will have some good advice to add in the comments.

I don’t know what industry you are in, so I am a little in the dark—but my first thought was DON’T GIVE UP. Just don’t. The perfect job is out there waiting for you and if you give up, it won’t find you.

Here are some other thoughts:

Involve your network: Does every single person you know know that you are looking for a job? Everyone you have ever worked with? Friends of friends? The wider the circle of folks who know you are looking, the better the chance of a lead coming your way. Make sure your social media profiles are up to date and follow places you might get hired. Get on LinkedIn, respond to posts, and follow interesting feeds.

Refine your presentation: Your resume is sparking interest, so that’s great. It sounds like you might be doing or saying something in your interviews that is not working for you. Maybe record your next few Zoom interviews so you can watch them and see. Maybe have a friend take a look. There is nothing quite like watching yourself on video to notice something you might not catch otherwise. I hate watching myself on video, but boy, it sure is eye opening.

Your frustration at how long and hard your search has taken might be bleeding into the way you are showing up. Who could blame you? But you can’t let that happen. It won’t attract what you want.

Have you gone back to the places where you got to the final interview stage and asked for feedback? You may very well be perceived as overqualified, but you won’t know until you ask. I am always a little surprised when people we don’t hire don’t ask for feedback. I think it is the least hiring managers can do for folks who have invested a lot of time. It’s almost never personal—often more related to fit than anything else.

When you know you have an interview lined up, maybe do more research on the company—their values, their strategic goals—and shape your answers so it is clear you have done your research.

You now know what the questions are. Maybe have a friend conduct a mock interview with you and really tighten and sharpen your responses.

Stay active and involved: Everywhere I go I see Help Wanted signs, so I wonder if you might not consider just getting a job until your dream job appears, just to get you out of the house and doing something, bringing in a little cash. Volunteer, wait tables, work retail, post on Task Rabbit to put IKEA furniture together (my daughter did that her first couple of years out of college, it is her super-power) – anything to just get some movement and not be stuck at home, staring at your computer screen.

I am just shocked that people wouldn’t even send you an email or something after so many interviews. That just seems rude to me. But you can’t let it get you down. Okay, you can let it get you down,  but don’t let it stop you. Just don’t quit! That is recipe for depression.

Good luck to you!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a client services manager at a new cancer center in Lagos, Nigeria. I have just had my six-month appraisal with the CEO. Along with my responsibilities, I have been helping my CEO with her calendar and all other duties.

During the appraisal, she said she wants me to be her executive assistant. I was shocked. She said I get her, I understand her needs, and we work well together.

I went home and thought about it. It feels like it would be a demotion. The fact that I have been able to manage her calendar and do all her personal things well does not mean I want to be her EA. She has now told HR to look for someone that will work with me till I move to the EA position.

I enjoy working with customers. That is what I did for seven years at another hospital before moving to this hospital. But staff members here have always referred to me as her EA, even before my appraisal, and I don’t like that at all.

My CEO always gets what she wants but I don’t think I am cut out to be her EA. I already know what I may have to do but would like your perspective before I make a final decision. I don’t like the way this feels and I am not happy.

New Role Feels All Wrong

__________________________________________________________________

Dear New Role Feels All Wrong,

This falls into the category of “No good deed goes unpunished,” doesn’t it?

So, the first order of business here is to have a frank conversation with your CEO. It is nice that she appreciates your skills, but not so nice that she doesn’t seem at all interested in what you want. So you had better tell her, and soon. Possibly offer a compromise—to train someone else to be her EA since you seem to be so good at it. It can be very tricky to stand up for yourself and for what you want, but you will regret it if you don’t. I guess there is a chance that your CEO will simply fire you for not doing exactly what she wants. But if you are forced into a job you don’t want, you will be looking for a new job anyway, right?

There is another possibility here. Your reflex is to consider the move a demotion. That may be an assumption that you could check out. It can’t be all bad to work hand in glove with the CEO. You might parlay the move into the opportunity to be more than an EA—perhaps to be the CEO’s chief of staff. According to Wikipedia, the definition of this role, in general, is that a chief of staff provides a buffer between a chief executive and that person’s direct reporting team. The chief of staff works behind the scenes to solve problems, mediate disputes, and deal with issues before they are brought to the chief executive. Often, the chief of staff acts as a confidant and advisor to the chief executive, and as a sounding board for ideas.

That would be a promotion. It could be very interesting and engaging, and also could give you a wide scope of responsibility and influence. It might be possible for you to achieve. So instead of saying no, explore the possibilities provided by the fact that your CEO clearly finds you capable, competent, responsible, dependable, intuitive, and easy to work with. Who knows what might come of that? Also, there is the matter of salary. Would yours be cut? Or would you make more? Does it matter? It generally does to most people.

If it turns out that the job change really is a demotion, take a stand to keep your current job. If that isn’t an option, you’ll have a choice to make. What you don’t want is to be forced into a situation where you feel victimized and resentful. That won’t be sustainable for long. Worst case, you stay in the job for years and become more and more bitter, which will take its toll on your mental health, your physical health, and your entire life.

Excellent client services managers for medical centers are always in demand. If that’s what you want to do, take a stand for yourself, speak up, and tell the truth respectfully but clearly. You have some agency here. I encourage you to exercise it.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I just started what is probably the last decade of my career. I am settling into a new role after being promoted to an EVP spot that reports directly to the CEO. Sometimes I sit in my office at home—although at some point it will be a nice office on the executive floor—and I feel completely stuck about what I should be doing.

I had big plans before I stepped into this role and all of a sudden I can’t remember any of them. I could do a million things, but I know I should be thinking, planning, and strategizing. The problem is that those activities don’t feel like work to me and I keep worrying that I am not doing the right things.

My CEO just keeps saying to hang in there and I will get the hang of it—but I am in a state of paralysis. Thoughts?

Not Getting the Hang of It

Dear Not Getting the Hang of It,

In my experience, this is one of the hardest leadership transitions of all. You spend your entire career doing tasks and being rewarded for doing them well, and now all of sudden everything you have been rewarded for is the domain of the people you lead. And you are left to do—what, exactly?

The first thing to do is forgive yourself for being at sea. It is a completely predictable and natural response. Can you? It can be hard to do after having felt so competent for so long. Once you do it, you can adopt the beginner’s mind. This could be defined as the act of intentionally letting go of expectations and noticing your situation with fresh eyes and an open mind. Take a deep breath, go for a long walk, and consider these questions:

• What advice would I give to a friend in the same position? (This will help you remember your big ideas.)
• What do I bring to the table that the company and my teams need most? (This will remind you why you got the job.)
• What is required that only I—because of my strengths, experience and position—can do? (This is how you will choose what to focus on.)
• Who can help me with this? (This will generate ideas for thinking partners and potential mentors. The more of these you have, the better off you will be.)

Then write it all on a big white board, a piece of flipchart paper, or a legal pad. Or use your favorite technology (forgive me—I am still addicted to paper).

It might be helpful to read our white paper on The Leadership Profit Chain. Our research reveals a key distinction between strategic and operational leadership and what is required of each. Ultimately, it is your job to see the whole playing field—how things look from the top, how things get done at your level, and what results need to be generated by your whole area. Pretty much every industry will require you to stay on top of industry innovation as well as what your competitors are up to. And, let’s not forget the nimble innovative disrupters who are coming for your market share!

Here are a few suggestions to jump start that to-do list:

1. Make sure you are 100% crystal clear about the strategic objectives your CEO has articulated. If you are in any way unclear, clarify with your CEO.
2. Decide exactly how your area can and will support those objectives. You will probably want to involve your immediate team to help you hammer that out. The more you involve them, the more they will buy into the final plan.
3. Make sure you have the correct leadership below you who can accomplish what they need to accomplish. Jim Collins’s research in Good to Great says you have get the right people on the bus, in the right seats. What he doesn’t say is this: to do that, you have to get the wrong people out of those seats—and, in some cases, off the bus. The simplicity of the concept belies the complexity of the execution. Simple? Yes. Easy? Not so much.
4. Ensure that each of your people has the necessary resources to accomplish what they need to accomplish. In short: They know exactly what needs to be done, what a good job looks like, and who they need on their teams, and they have the right budget and tools.
5. Spend some of that thinking time getting clear and putting into writing your vision for how your area should operate. What do you expect of people? What can they expect of you? What is non-negotiable, and where can people color outside the lines? Don’t expect your people to be mind readers. Make explicit anything that is currently implicit or that you think is obvious. Your people need an operating manual for how to navigate you as their boss.
6. If you haven’t already, create solid relationships with your peers. Get to know how they think and what is important to them. Understand their objectives and make sure no one is working at cross purposes. The more you can support your peers in helping them accomplish their goals, the more they will be inclined to support yours.
7. Look around at your industry and what your competitors are doing. Keep your eye on the news with a focus on how local, national, and world events are going to affect your industry and your company.
8. Observe carefully and ascertain what your CEO needs and wants from you. In my experience, many CEOs are terrible at articulating these things and would much rather you read their mind. You can ask, certainly, but don’t be disappointed if they are unclear. As you observe, notice what you might have to offer that they might find useful. Once you make your plan for how you are going to spend your time, it might help to run it by your CEO to make sure you haven’t left off something critical that wasn’t even on your radar.

You ready for a nap yet? It is a lot. But you are probably in decent shape on some of these already.

When you look at your list of stuff to do, ask yourself: can somebody else do this—if not as well as me, well enough? If so, delegate it. Be honest. You should only be spending your time doing things only you can do, and that everyone doing everything else knows exactly how it should be done. I learned this concept from The E-Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber back when I started my first coaching business. It has translated perfectly to the corporate world and has served me well.

Finally, pace yourself. Take care of yourself and your brain, or nobody will win.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a small company. My boss (a boomer) keeps mentioning that I need to develop my brand. I really don’t understand what she means.

The more I learn about personal branding, the more it feels like something that can limit me. It also feels like kind of an old, tired idea. What do you think?

Branded?

Dear Branded,

I think your first step is to ask your boss what she means by it. Do you need to increase your visibility in the organization? Do you need to somehow distinguish yourself from others? Her answer may clarify her suggestion and help you make up your mind. In the meantime, let’s examine the whole concept of personal branding.

I have a clear memory of a Fast Company cover from 1997 with a big article by Tom Peters. (Tom Peters isn’t even technically a boomer; he was born in 1942.) I even remember at the time thinking Wow, that’s a little gross.

If you Google Fast Company and branding, the next link is a piece from 2019 titled You Are Not a Brand, which expresses feelings much like yours. Gross.

And so, the pendulum swings. But. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Wikipedia defines personal branding as “the conscious and intentional effort to create and influence public perception of an individual by positioning them as an authority in their industry, elevating their credibility, and differentiating themselves from the competition, to ultimately advance their career, increase their circle of influence, and have a larger impact.”

Now seriously, how could that be bad? Do you want to advance your career? Do you want to increase your circle of influence? Do you want to make a larger impact? Maybe you don’t. That’s fine, I’m not judging. But here’s the thing. Contrary to common sense, the reward for excellent work is not promotion, a killer reputation, or rewards. The reward for excellent work is more work. It is a confounding truth. So if you want the reward for your excellent work to be something other than just more work, you’re going to have to engage in a little bit of personal public relations. Is that different from branding? Maybe. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a mashup of branding and building a strong network of relationships.

Brand is only a dirty word if it means cooking up a bunch of lies about yourself and trying to get others to believe them. That is gross. And it just isn’t going to fly, because it is unsustainable in the long term. Brand can be used as an umbrella word to express the concept that you know who you are and the value you bring to the table. But it also must be aligned with what you want to achieve. So you’re going to have a bunch of interesting strengths, but the ones you highlight will depend on your goals. You might think of your brand as simply what you want to be known for.

You may not even know, and that’s OK. You can find out. Ask trusted friends or family what they think makes you special. Ask your boss what special value you add. Take the Standout Assessment https://www.marcusbuckingham.com/—it’s free right now! The cool thing about Standout is that it takes your top strengths and puts them together to form a unique and powerful combination. And take the Values in Action assessment (also free!) to pinpoint your top character strengths. It’s so positive, it’s sure to make you smile.

If you are aiming for a leadership position, you can start working on your Leadership Point of View right now. This is a written outline of your beliefs and attitudes about leadership, your leadership values, your standards for yourself, and what you expect of others. It is utterly and completely about you. No holds barred, no baloney, totally truthful.

If you tell the truth, it can never limit you. The truth will change and your brand will evolve with you as you grow, so you have to keep your eye on it.

You can easily outgrow your idea of yourself without realizing it. I keep a written credo pasted into my journal. (I, too, am a boomer and I’m hopelessly addicted to paper and writing by hand.) When I recently started a new journal, I had to change a phrase in my credo. I used to say “I practice brutal realism and reckless optimism” and I had to change the word reckless to tireless. As it turns out, I have had the recklessness beaten out of me. It was true for a long time, just not anymore.

Here’s another possible way to go about it. A professional speaking coach once taught me that to show up authentically and powerfully, you have to be able to answer three questions. (I added a fourth.)

1. How do you see yourself?
2. How do others see you?
3. How do want to be seen?
4. How must you be seen to achieve your goals?

If there is a gap between #1 and #2, it needs to be reflected upon. If there is a gap between #2 and #3, that is data about how you’re showing up that you can take under advisement. And finally, #4 is a choice—but you can only amplify or leverage something that is already true about you to be successful. You have wonderful qualities that you can cultivate and showcase. You just have to decide which ones are going to be most useful.

The idea of personal branding may be dead, but if my LinkedIn feed hawking the services of countless personal branding experts is any indication, maybe not. Regardless, it won’t hurt you to get a clear picture of the value you bring and what makes you special—what makes you uniquely you. Nobody ever really succeeds at trying to be something they’re not.

Eventually, people will catch on and won’t trust you. You can decide what qualities to reveal and amplify, but ultimately people will see the real you.

Oscar Wilde famously said “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” For purposes of branding, I might amend it to: “Be the best version of yourself.”

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team in a fast-growing area of a giant information security company. There is so much opportunity for my industry right now (have you seen the stuff about “Zoom-bombing” in the news? We stop that kind of thing).

I have always been ambitious—and right now, during this crisis, I am doing so well with my little team. I feel that this could be the time for me to really step it up to shine. But my boss, along with everyone else, is crazy busy. We are all going through a ton of transition and, of course, stress.

I have big ideas! But don’t know how to go about getting them in front of the people who can do something with them. How do I increase my visibility right now without being a pest? I want to—

Carpe Diem

Dear Carpe Diem,

It is awfully nice to hear some good news! I knew some people must be thriving in the current state of affairs, I just haven’t read about them in the news!

The first thing that comes to mind is one thing to definitely not do. Do not send your boss emails with good ideas for her to implement. Ideas are fun, but what matters most when things are nuts is execution. So if you want to send a good idea with a detailed action plan with timeline that you intend to act on, great. Otherwise—don’t.

The converse of that is to ask your boss what you can take off her plate right now. Say something like “it seems like there is a ton going on, and although we are busy on Team Carpe Diem, we love to add value, so what can we take on that would lighten your load?

All my other ideas are going to require a slightly longer-term outlook and will probably not yield immediate results. However, I guarantee that if you pick a couple of these and commit to them, you and your brilliant career will absolutely benefit. Pick the ones that feel doable to you and will not require a personality transplant. (Those are very difficult.)

Crush it Now. Be 100% the best at what you already have on your plate. Make sure everyone on your team has everything they need right now, and that each of them is fully engaged and satisfied with you as a leader.
Become a PR Professional. Start a newsletter for your team or department. Post on your company intranet what projects you’re working on and how they make a difference for the organization at large.

Build Your Reputation as a SME. Post interesting, fun, value-added stuff on social media about what is happening in your industry. Make sure you aren’t sharing company secrets, of course—just stay current with the news and comment from your unique perspective.
Check your attitude. Make sure you are staying curious about what other teams are doing, looking for opportunities to collaborate, finding ways to be of service.

Network. This is such a dirty word to some folks. These are the folks who are upset by the adage “it isn’t what you know, it’s who you know.” The problem is that the adage is true—and if people don’t know you at all, they certainly aren’t going to know about what you know. So get to know people. Start new relationships with people you don’t know and build stronger relationships with people you do know. Get your colleagues at work to introduce you to their friends. Think less about the position a person holds and more about the influence they have. Curiosity is your friend. Get people to tell you about themselves, what they do, and what they know. The more you learn—and the more you know who to go to for what—the more valuable you are to the organization. Engage individuals in the chat on Zoom calls. Contribute to calls for ideas and feedback.

Find a mentor. Identify people in the organization who know things you don’t know and ask them to teach you what they know or share their experience with you and to give you advice. People love to give advice. I should know.

Be an amazing organizational citizen. Volunteer for committees or attend events that aren’t necessarily mission critical. Send thank-yous to people who do you favors and congratulations to people who accomplish cool things. It isn’t sucking up—it’s nice.

I know this sounds shockingly obvious, but it can be amazing how often it is forgotten: a lot of being visible is showing up to things so that you can be seen. Be interested in what is going on, be curious about people, be engaged, and pay attention. Don’t expect people to come to you.

Shine on, Carpe Diem.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am what’s called a “people leader”—I lead individual contributors at a global software giant. I am also a technical contributor as a subject matter expert in a specific application.

I don’t love managing people. I am quite reserved and I find it tiring—but it is the only way to get ahead in this company. I’ve always thought I would stay here forever and rise through the ranks. But there has been so much change over the last 18 months that I have had three different bosses. The last one barely seems to know I am alive and has no idea about my technical expertise.

The person who runs the team on which I am an SME disagrees with the strategic direction of the organization and is planning to leave. He wants to take me with him. He is convincing me that if I went, I would make a lot more money and be able to focus on my technical expertise. I am single and could move, although I would be leaving my family and friends.

I have gotten myself into a state and have no idea what I should I do. Thoughts?

Stay or Go?

Dear Stay or Go,

Ah, these big life decisions. Of course, I can’t recommend a course of action one way or the other. I personally have a bias toward action, which has brought me enormous joy and probably more than my fair share of really bad mistakes. But I can help you review the situation as you have laid it out.

You enjoy the technical part of your job, but you have been pressured into managing people. The company you work for is unstable and you get no attention or support from management. The one senior person who seems to grasp and appreciate your value is leaving the company and wants to take you with him. So far, he has made promises, but as yet you have received no official offer. If you were to agree to an attractive offer, you would have to move and leave a settled life with an established community.

Essentially, you just don’t have enough information yet. I think before you do anything rash, you have to get a solid offer that includes a substantial raise, a clear job description, and your moving expenses covered. Until then, it is all pure speculation.

But this event is a bit of a wake-up call that everything is not quite right in your current position. And it’s an opportunity for you to define for yourself what would be better for you. To make these big life decisions, it is helpful for you to understand your core psychological needs and your values.

Values are important. What makes you smile? What do you gravitate to naturally? What gives you energy and pleasure? Ask yourself: Will I be more aligned with my values in this new situation?

Your needs are even more critical. They are what you have to have. To figure out your needs, think about what you must have to be fully functional. It sounds like you might have a need to pursue your mastery of your technical expertise, but you have no need to be in charge of other people.

Some needs don’t really become apparent until they aren’t met. One of the best ways to identify your needs is to think about a time when you behaved badly or became almost sick with unhappiness. Chances are some fundamental need wasn’t being met. What was it?

Do you like to be appreciated or do you need it? Do you like having a close community near you, or do you need it? If you get a reasonable offer, you will want to ask yourself Will I be able to rebuild a life in a new place where I can get what I need to be stable?

If I could be so bold, I’d like to recommend my book Leverage Your Best in this column. It has some great detail on needs and values and it might be worth your while. The more you understand about yourself, the easier it will be to make these big life choices.

If in the passage of time and events you decide to stay where you are, this exploration will still be useful and will help you shape your career path and inform the requests you make of your current management.

I hope you do a little self-reflection and learn more about who you are and what you really want out of life. The more thought you put into it now, the more likely you will be able to create an extraordinary life with few regrets.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

During my time as a coach, I have often utilized SWOT analyses to help teams analyze their organization’s Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. This is a simple, user-friendly method to help a team or a board focus on key issues affecting their business. This type of analysis often can be used as a precursor to a more comprehensive strategic planning session.

One benefit of the SWOT process is that it encourages teams to not only brainstorm ideas but also face untapped opportunities and potential threats. Consistent use of this framework can give an organization a competitive advantage through dialogue regarding brand, culture, new products or services, and capabilities.

What some people don’t realize, though, is that SWOT analysis can also be an effective personal strategic planning tool. Crafting your personal SWOT matrix is a powerful technique that can be used, for example, when you are seeking a career change or facing a major shift in your life.

Here are three steps to get started:

Step 1 – Identify what exists now. List all strengths that exist now. List all weaknesses that exist now. Be honest.

Step 2 – Look to the future. List all opportunities (potential strengths) that may exist in the future. List all threats (potential weaknesses) that may occur in the future.

Step 3 – Create a matrix/get a plan. Enter your ideas in the appropriate quadrant (see figure). Notice that strengths and weaknesses are internal forces; opportunities and threats are external. See how each quadrant has a relationship with another? What strengths exist that could overcome weaknesses? What weaknesses need to be overcome in order to embrace a new opportunity? Review your matrix and think about a plan.

Here are a few helpful questions to increase your awareness around internal and external factors:

• What skills and capabilities do you have?
• What qualities, values, or beliefs make you stand out from others?
• What are the skills you need to develop?
• What personal difficulties do you need to overcome to reach your goal?
• What external influences or opportunities can help you achieve success?
• Who could support you to help you achieve your objectives?
• What external influences may hinder your success?

A SWOT matrix can provide a foundation to help you create goals and action steps. You may consider addressing your weaknesses by building skills or self-leadership capabilities. Carefully review your opportunities, as they may be used to your advantage. And consider how threats could be minimized or eliminated by shifting personal priorities or gaining new knowledge.

It’s common for people to experience blind spots around their own strengths and weaknesses, so don’t hesitate to seek out opinions from friends, family members, and colleagues. Also, be willing to share your SWOT matrix with a partner who will hold you accountable for action steps and celebrate your progress.

Best of luck—and happy personal planning!

About the Author

Patricia Sauer is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world.

Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I started my career in marketing and had some great jobs, but I really became interested in the people side of things after being trained in communication and working in teams. 

My graduate studies were in Organizational Development.  I am still at the first job I was offered—in HR as a trainer—but I just don’t like it. Most employees don’t seem to really care about training and it is always up to me to try to make it interesting for them. 

I now realize that what I really am is a coach. I wish I had a graduate degree in coaching instead of OD.  How can I tell if I would be a good coach?  How do I know if I would like it better than being a trainer? How would you recommend I proceed?

Missed the Boat?

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Missed the Boat,

I get a lot of letters asking about this as well as a lot of requests for informational interviews from people who are thinking of becoming coaches, so your questions are timely. 

What is coaching, really? It depends on who you ask.  It might be easier to define what coaching isn’t. Coaching isn’t giving people feedback, telling them what to do, or teaching or training them. Coaching isn’t a matter of simply listening really well and asking some questions. 

Our organization defines coaching as “A deliberate process using focused conversations to create an environment that results in accelerated performance and development.” 

Coaching requires partnership and dialogue. Ideally, both parties learn from the experience. Many think that coaching is about giving advice. In fact, a coach can offer ideas and suggestions but generally guides clients through their own decision process.  One of the reasons I do this column is because I really don’t give much advice in my work, but it is so much fun to do it!

How can I tell if I would be a good coach? Good coaches are collaborative by nature. They want the best for their clients and see them as capable and creative. They trust others to solve problems and make decisions.  The professional organization I am most familiar with is the International Coach Federation (ICF), which is the oldest and largest professional association for coaches. The ICF has developed a thorough list of competenciess that can help you understand where your development gaps might be.

Where do I begin if I think I want to pursue being a professional coach?  The ICF website (www.coachfederation.org) is an excellent source of information about all aspects of embarking on a coaching career. If you decide to go forward, you will need to go through a coach training program.  There are a lot of programs to choose from, many of which offer a lot of flexibility and a nice mix of in-person and online training.  Attend all informational programs and really do your research before you decide on a training program. There are a lot of scams out there where people promise the moon but the program doesn’t really deliver.  Get references—find people who have attended the programs that appeal to you and talk to them.  And stay away from any program that uses high-pressure selling techniques to get you to sign up.

You might also be interested in my list of Nine Books on Coaching that Coaches Need to Know About. The first few on the list, especially Co-Active Coaching, are key fundamental coaching texts.

Many credentialed coaches complain that anyone can hang up a shingle and say they are a coach, and this is true.  What many people can’t do is get through an accredited training program, jump through the hoops to get their credential, stay on top of their own professional development, and build a thriving practice of clients who will refer them to others.

Can I make a living as a coach? Yes, but don’t quit your day job. Give yourself a reasonable timeline and get used to the idea that you have to market yourself. Having a background in marketing should help you, because building a thriving practice takes a fair amount of work. Okay, a lot of work.  It will also help your credibility if you lean on your professional experience. Since you are already working in an organization, you might be able to become an internal coach where you are—consider discussing this possibility with your boss. I have seen some situations where an organization has funded coach training for some of their HR people. 

The thing most people won’t tell you is that to be successful as a coach you have to be able to attract clients, retain your clients, and thrill them to the point that they refer people to you.  So you must get really, really good at it and be impeccably professional. This will take some diligence and some time.

Coaching is a deeply rewarding career. The coaching mindset and skills translate beautifully to mentoring, managing, parenting, and building a terrific life for yourself. It will involve a steep learning curve and some intense personal development, which is not always expected but always necessary. It will take longer than you think it should, and it will be harder, too—but then that is true of most things.

I wish you good luck on your coaching adventure.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

Earlier this year I joined a consulting firm that works with companies in my previous industry. I had taken a break to get a management degree and got a taste of consulting doing an internship that was part of my program.

I believed consulting would be a different world where I would learn a lot—but now, seven months in, I recognize that I learned a lot more five years ago when I started my career as an entry level employee.

My workload isn’t interesting or challenging. My peers are all younger than me, and all they do is complain about their jobs and bad mouth others. And when I told my supervisor how I feel about my job during my midyear review, she didn’t seem to care.

I’ve always had opportunities in the past to work with people my own age or older—people I could learn from who knew more than I did. I’m worried that I’m stuck in the wrong job and that it will negate the five years’ experience I had when I came here.

Please help!

Feeling Stuck

Dear Feeling Stuck,

Everyone is motivated to work for various reasons—the need to pay the bills is usually number one. But it is clear that you deeply value a safe and collegial working environment. A learning environment, challenging work, and adding value also seem to be very important to you.

It sounds like you are not going to get any of those where you are now. But you are only “stuck” if you are being held hostage. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case, so … go! Go as soon as you can. You haven’t let so much time go by that you have lost the value of your previous stint. In fact, you might think about going back to your old company, perhaps this time in a management position.

Honor your own experience and instincts. Find yourself a job where you can excel and a working environment that brings out the best in people.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve had my eye on a position that might be opening in my company. It would be a big step for me, but I think this is the job I have always wanted.

My problem is that the minute I start even thinking about applying, I feel overcome with anxiety and literally break into a cold sweat. Then I hear a voice in my head saying, “Who the heck do you think you are?”

How do I get up the nerve to pursue this? I am not even sure I want the job, but how will I ever know if I get so anxious I can’t even think about it? Help!

Riddled with Doubt

Dear Riddled,

It is rare to have so many topics covered in such a short question, so I will take them in turn, in order of priority.

1. You need to get some help with your anxiety before you do anything else. We all deal with some anxiety, but yours is interfering with your life. This is the definition of an emotional or psychological condition that needs to be addressed. Anxiety is tricky. It creeps up on you slowly and backs you into a corner before you even realize what is happening. So I am telling you, point blank, you are in a corner and you need to get some help. There are some excellent tools available to help you tame your anxiety. If those don’t work…well, a professional can help you.
2. You have had your eye on this job, so clearly you can see yourself in it. Do you think you have the skills and competencies required to apply and be taken seriously? More important, do you trust yourself to be able to learn quickly and grow into the job in a reasonable amount of time?

In another part of your email you stated you are a female. As a woman, your social conditioning does leave you at a disadvantage when it comes to putting yourself out there. The statistics are varied, but the one I see most consistently says that men tend to apply for opportunities when they have just 60 percent of the qualifications, while women generally don’t apply unless they are 100 percent qualified. The various reasons for this are outlined in this article that might interest you.

Ultimately, the rules that make someone successful in school don’t really apply to working in large systems. The way to get ahead and continually find challenges for yourself will require you to take risks. You will fail, but you will also succeed. As many have said, if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “no.”

3. I was struck by your use of the language “Who do you think you are?” This is language we hear from people in childhood designed to keep us in our place. It is cruel and demeaning. And here you are, using it on yourself! Cut it out. Honestly. It isn’t as if you are proposing to perform brain surgery with no training. You are simply thinking about maybe trying for a new and different job that may be interesting.

I would ask you to answer that question realistically. Who do you think you are? What are your skills and strengths? What experience do you have? What do you bring to the table that maybe no other applicant has? To get a new perspective on this, you might try taking that Values in Action Strengths Assessment—it’s free and fun. It will help you answer that question more positively than you otherwise might.

This is kind of old news, but I love it so much and it has not lost its power—and you may never have seen it. It is from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love and it was quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inauguration speech:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone—and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Finally, Riddled, get your friends and family on board here. Ask anyone for support that you know loves you and wants the best for you. Get a handle on the anxiety, stop playing small, get support, and go for it. Start with some deep breathing. Breathing never hurts, and always helps.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I have been working for over 15 years in my field and have moved up the ranks. In my last role I was a manager. 

Six months ago, I left my old job and moved to a company that had a small team where I was given a supervisor/team lead title that was one step below my previous position. That was fine, given that the title was the next rank down in the new company’s hierarchy. I also anticipated that the job would further my skill set and I would learn different tools and approaches. I had felt stagnant in my previous job. 

Recently, our department head created a new “senior team lead” level between the role I have and the one above. My teammate was then promoted to this new role based on the fact she’s been here for a year longer than I have and would be assisting my team lead with strategy. 

I don’t begrudge my teammate her promotion because she deserves it. However, I’m feeling like I’ve effectively been demoted because I’m now two ranks below manager instead of one. And the way that my manager presented a document detailing the new “career path” felt patronizing. 

I also feel that my 15+ years in the field counts for nothing and that I’m just seen as a new person who has been with the company for six months—even though I have more experience and skills than both my team lead and my teammate put together. 

I know I have the skills for this newly created job, but I would have to work here for another three to five years to be promoted even to my former level, let alone anything above that. 

Should I say something? What? How? And to whom? 

Thanks,

Did I Make a Mistake?

Dear Did I Make a Mistake,

I think you might be focusing on the wrong things. The questions to ask yourself are:

• In this new job, are you able to further your skill set and learn different tools and approaches as you expected?
• Do you like your team and your new manager?
• Do you enjoy working with your new team?
• Is your current compensation and benefit package working for you?
• Is your quality of life (workspace, commute, personal sustainability) better with your new job, or worse?
• Do you want to manage people, or do you prefer to be a technical specialist?

It sounds like your mind is really stuck on the seniority and your career trajectory, which is fine, but you must decide if that is more important to you than everything else.

That you felt patronized in your meeting with your manager is a different and separate issue. You definitely want to clear the air about that. If she isn’t aware of your experience, it wouldn’t hurt for her to know about it. If she is open to feedback about her approach to the conversation, it would be very good to share what you thought and how it made you feel. Just because your title isn’t where you want it to be doesn’t mean that your experience should be diminished or that you should feel disrespected.

If you weigh the answers to all of questions against your dissatisfaction with your seniority and title and it still feels all wrong, then you have your answer. Fight for the right title and level based on your experience—and be ready to go elsewhere if proper adjustments can’t be made.

If everything is really working for you, I suggest you let this go and focus on simply enjoying the work and doing a great job.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a few years in, working on Wall Street.  I am a financial analyst and am pretty good at my job.

At my recent performance review my boss told me that I need to “build my brand.”  

What the heck? I tried to get some detail out of him but didn’t get much. He said to get ahead here, I need to find ways to stand out and get noticed. I was figuring if I aced my advanced finance exams and did great work, the rest would take care of itself.

Can you shed some light on this?

In the Dark

Dear In the Dark,

The first thing I can tell you is that nothing ever takes care of itself. There is no fairness, no justice, and no reward for working hard. Doing great work is the ante that keeps you in a job and gets you one thing: more work. It doesn’t get you noticed or promoted—especially in the shark tank that is Wall Street.

You’re going to want to be clear about your career goals, develop relationships with anyone who can help you achieve them, and be memorable to anyone who matters. If you’re committed enough to your own success to study for and ace those fiendish exams, then you might be able to devote a little brain space and energy toward thinking about your brand.

I first heard about the concept of personal branding from Tom Peters back in the 90s. What I thought at the time would be a fad has really stuck. Essentially, it means thinking of yourself as a product that you need to keep top of mind with potential consumers.

This means you have to apply fundamental marketing theory to yourself. What are the features and benefits of you? Who might be interested in them? How do you differentiate yourself from other people like you? What real or perceived value do you bring to anyone who might work with you?

I can see your face right now, all scrunched up with distaste. I get it. I do. But you are an analytical thinker and obviously smart enough, so you can do this.

The key is to start with what is true. Those who try to build a brand based on lies can’t keep it up long term. Think about:

• Who are you? I worked with one client who called himself a Hoosier—which essentially means being from the state of Indiana, but also stands for being straightforward and honest. Early in his career he hid it because he thought it made him seem unsophisticated, but eventually he built a very successful persona based on this and it always felt authentic because it was.
• What is important to you? These are your values—what matters to you. You can develop a reputation for being a stickler for accuracy, being a data junkie, or being able to synthesize numbers into a narrative that is interesting to non-numbers types. Maybe you’re a super sharp dresser? Always into the latest hair styles? Keep it up, be consistent, and make it a signature.
• What makes you unique? What odd combination of skills do you have that nobody else has?
• What are your signature strengths? (If you don’t know, you can take a free assessment here).
• What do people get from hanging out with you? If you really have no idea, ask your friends. They will tell you if you’re funny, or if you always ask the odd question that nobody else thinks of, or if you’re the person who knows every microbrewery in the tri-state area.

From the list of what is important to you, you can build standards for your own behavior and appearance that will always be consistent. You can make choices to reveal certain aspects of yourself, when, and to whom. This is what makes you special and memorable to people and this is what your boss is trying to tell you. Just doing good work and keeping your head down is not going to get you anywhere.

There is a whole social media aspect to this as well—you can use your self-discoveries to curate a compelling representation of yourself on social media. I personally would rather have dental work, and I suspect you feel the same way. But you are at the beginning of your career, so I don’t know that you will be able to avoid it. I found a recent article that may help you with more specifics on this. I like the way the author focuses on how you add value.

Finally, part of your brand is going to be defined by who you know and hang out with. Find people you like, are interested in, and can learn from based on what how you answer the questions above. Join committees at work that are focused on things that are important to you. Environmental issues? Saving Australian Shepherds? Whatever it is, find your tribe and hang out with them.

Identify the folks who have the job you want to be doing within the next three years and ask one of them to be your mentor. The first one may turn you down, but keep trying. You’re probably thinking “Oh no, I’m an introvert, I can’t do that!” Yes, you can—and if your career is important to you, you will. You can be as shy and introverted as you want in your personal life, but you’re going to have to move out of your comfort zone at work.

I know this is a lot of extra stuff to think about, so take it step by step. Slow and steady wins the race. Apply that work ethic and that considerable intelligence to this problem, and you will be just fine.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been working as a technical expert for about a decade. I have been headhunted away from where I was three times, with a substantial signing bonus and salary raise each time. I now make more than I ever thought I would—and I am still getting calls about twice a week.

I am told the sky is the limit with my technical background and skills. I like where I am, though, so I have no reason to leave. I get the budget and time I need to stay current with my skills and my boss depends on my recommendations for strategic changes to our technology.

My boss has talked to me about becoming a manager and I am intrigued by the idea. The organization I work for sees management as a tour of duty, not really as a promotion, so I am not being pressured. I have never really considered going for a manager position because I am desperately shy and congenitally introverted. The idea of having to talk to people and tell them what to do fills me with crippling anxiety. Do you think I should push myself to try managing people?

Shy Techie

Dear Shy Techie,

No. I don’t.

But you did write to me for a reason, so maybe there is more to this that you are not saying. Are you bored? Are you looking for a challenge? If you are seeking to really challenge yourself and put yourself in a situation where you will be forced to grow and change, maybe you should consider giving management a try.

I will tell you this: managing people is hard. Some managers were simply born to manage others and absolutely thrive in the job. The rest of us must rise to the occasion every day—and it is endlessly challenging because people do not act like technology or data sets. People are unpredictable. They have complicated lives and problems that keep them from focusing on work. They often have indecipherable personalities that change when they are under stress.

Even the most rational folks can turn wildly irrational. The most reasonable people can become unreasonable for no apparent reason. Everyone gets overwhelmed and has terrible days and needs to be talked off the ledge—usually all at the same time and on your worst day when patience and empathy are in short supply. It is easy for managers to say the wrong thing or have what they thought was the perfect answer be misinterpreted.

Have I talked you out of it yet?

Really, my first thought was “If it isn’t broken, why on earth fix it?” Shyness isn’t a reason not to manage people; there are a lot of wonderfully effective shy managers. But they are usually driven by a desire to serve and help others, so are compelled to work hard to overcome their own natural inclinations. If you aren’t madly driven by an internal motivation to teach, develop, and serve others, you should find other ways to challenge yourself and expand your horizons.

I would have given different advice twenty years ago when I thought everyone could do anything they put their minds to. Thirty years of coaching have taught me that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

Soon I will be joining a large HR consulting firm as a consultant. My new job is focused on organization design and transformation.

I have three years of work experience as an HR business partner but consulting is an altogether different world for me.

I am excited but scared about how I should I put my previous experience to use in my new job and what I should prepare for as I join the consulting world. Any words of advice?

I hope you can help,

Scared New Consultant

Dear Scared New Consultant,

Congratulations on your new job! I understand that you are nervous and scared—that is to be expected when starting something totally new. The good news is that consulting firms are notoriously picky, so the fact that you actually got hired means you probably have the stuff to succeed.

I have some general rules of thumb for you, and then some HR-specific ones—some of which I have learned the hard way.

First, general:

• Pay attention to who’s who in your new organization and notice which people others listen to. The power structure is often informal and you need to know who is respected.
• Get your boss to express as clearly as possible what a good job looks like. Make sure you know what your boss’s priorities are, and to the extent possible find something you can do that will give you an early win.
• Notice what you like to do and are good at, and make sure you don’t over-focus on these at the expense of the stuff you don’t like as much. Get help with things you aren’t naturally good at.
• If your boss doesn’t pay much attention to you, you need to provide them with a weekly checklist of everything you are focused on. Ask to be sure there is nothing missing and that you are focused on the right things. Once you get comfortable, you can check in less frequently.
• If you are coming into the organization with a cohort or class, as is common in consulting, make friends with everyone (or at least don’t make enemies) and spend more time with the people who have a good attitude, don’t complain, and work the hardest.
• Turn in impeccable work. Proof obsessively. If possible, get someone to proof for you. I have known consultants who started together who were each other’s proofing buddies because it is so much easier to catch other people’s errors than our own. For Power Point presentations, always (always, always) review the slides in presentation mode, because the errors leap off the screen that way.
• I am a big fan of the book The First 90 Days – Critical Success Strategies for New Leaders at All Levels.

Now, HR consulting specific:

• Try to get examples of slide decks and cases where things seem to have gone particularly well. This will help you understand what is valued by the clients as well as the organization.
• Clients often have no idea what they want or need, but will act as if they do. Don’t be fooled – listen deeply to what they say the problem is and ask good, open-ended questions until they get to the truth. Never ask why questions—they make people defensive. Instead, ask, “How did you get to that conclusion?” The best way to get people talking is to say “Tell me more.”
• Many clients will say they want culture change without understanding how much work it is. Changing the culture in an organization is similar to helping an individual manage a personality disorder. That sounds terrible, but I am serious. Most clients think they are ready for some big change but they really aren’t. Be aware that most clients will get excited and bite off more than they can chew—and then blame you when the whole project dies of its own weight.
• Again, a book. Don’t be thrown by how old it is as its value has stood the test of time: The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook. Peter Senge’s book The Fifth Discipline is so erudite it is almost unreadable, but the Fieldbook is chock full of practical tools and models and will be a valuable resource for you.

Good luck to you. Remember that you will have some really rough days when you will think the job is much harder than you expected. You will wonder what you were thinking when you took it. You will despair about ever getting the hang of it. You will think you made a terrible mistake and that you will never succeed.

Remember that this is normal and it will pass. Patience and persistence will be your best friends—and one day you will wake up and realize you know what you are doing.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I had my first baby three years ago and now have another one on the way. I am an attorney in a New York law firm and the main breadwinner in our family. My spouse works from home and does the lion’s share of the child care.

As soon as I started showing and announced my pregnancy, the managing partner of our firm—who has been my mentor since I was a third-year associate—called me into his office and talked to me about going “mommy track” and not being serious about my career. He told me he was dumping me as a mentee and was going to find someone else.

I am tough, but it was everything I could do not to burst into tears. I had thought he understood my plans. I feel betrayed and I want to go back and confront him—but I’m not sure he isn’t right. I resent how much I am missing of our first child’s babyhood and am often jealous of my husband. I’m not sure what to do. Help.

Mommy Tracked?

Dear Mommy Tracked,

It is awful to be rejected by someone who you were sure had your back—and also to be questioning your own big plan on top of everything else. From a social neuroscience standpoint, your brain is on tilt right now. It is probably best to take a step back, think things through, and get yourself on an even keel before making any rash decisions.

Let’s start with the personal rejection piece. There are a couple of techniques you can use to lessen the emotional impact of what the managing partner did. If you are like most of us, ever since it happened you’ve been thinking about the things you should have said. Regrettably, this creates a loop that is self-perpetuating—the more you think about it, the more you think about it.

To reduce the emotional grip the conversation has on you, I have a couple of techniques you might want to try. The first is called labeling. To do this, you simply tell the story of what happened and label each emotion you experienced at each moment. For example: “When my managing partner started out with ‘I see you have another bundle of joy on the way, and I am disappointed in you,’ I was shocked at his rudeness.”

Another method is called distancing. You recount the events as if they happened to somebody else. For example: “She walked into the managing partner’s office expecting to talk about the holiday bonus and instead was attacked out of the blue. She was utterly dumbstruck…”

Now let’s address the ambiguity of your future, given that you are doubting your original plan. Uncertainty is very destabilizing so be gentle with yourself. I am not an expert in gender politics so I can only share my point of view here. Having been born at the very tip of baby boom tail, I grew up hearing the assurance that I could have it all: not just work but significant work that generated revenue—and romance and marriage, and children.

Having worked the entire time I raised my kids (who are now in their twenties), I found that women can have it all, just not necessarily at the same time. And not necessarily in all institutions. For example, if you want to have a front row seat to your kids’ childhood, you can be an attorney—but you may not be able to be a partner in a big NYC law firm. It has been my experience that moms who struggle to give 100 percent at home and 100 percent at work benefit most from doing what they love and are good at, in a way that offers them flexibility.

My point here is, now that you have experienced the reality of your dream, you may want to revise it and possibly shift your priorities. Let me be clear: I am not advocating the merits of one path over another. I am advocating that you choose your turn at this crossroads with your eyes wide open.

Take stock. Talk with your spouse about how you feel—just airing your feelings may reveal something important. You may decide to go the warrior route and prove yourself to your managing partner with renewed vigor. Or you may decide to make some changes to your plan. Either way, if you tell yourself and your spouse the truth as you are experiencing it right now, you will soon know what is right for you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly new manager for a giant tech company, with only one direct report. 

Over the last year our upper management has been consolidating departments and flattening things out. I am pretty sure my direct report and I are going to be either folded into another group or let go altogether.

I don’t want to be demoted or laid off. I know what we do is important to the business unit we are in, but I don’t know whether anyone else thinks so. 

What can I do to improve my odds?

Avoiding the Ax

Dear Avoiding the Ax,

The gears that grind giant organizations along are complex and relentless, but I appreciate your desire to avoid getting crushed in them. There are a couple of things you might consider doing.

Take a hard look at your mandate and ask yourself what would make your tiny team indispensable. If no one seems to understand what value you add, you may indeed be in trouble.  Develop your peer relationships, become more familiar with their goals, and look for ways to be useful to them. I once worked with a client who asked his CEO how he would know he was successful in his job, and the reply was that he could measure his success by how often his phone rang. Raise your own visibility among the groups you serve. Find ways to contribute that you might not have thought of before. Write something for the company blog if that is feasible. Also—and I mean this literally—if you work from home more than you work at the office (as is often the case in tech) you might consider switching up your routine and showing your face more.

You don’t mention your boss, so I do wonder what help might be there. You must have one. Talk to that person. Discuss your concerns and ask what they may be able to share with you about what is going on. Be prepared to make clear that you care about the organization and you would like to stay and continue to make a contribution.

Check out job postings in other departments. Giant companies tend to have a lot of opportunities for lateral moves. If the conversation with your manager does not increase your confidence, spiff up your resume and start looking for other options. It will make you feel better to be proactive than to sit and wait for the ax to drop. It wouldn’t hurt to start looking for opportunities outside the company as well, possibly for one where you can manage more people.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I am 43. Two and a half years ago I needed to get back into working after nine years as a stay-at-home mom. It was slim pickings out there, but I was finally able to secure a job with a local chain restaurant as a marketing person.

Today I feel I’ve outgrown the role—but I can’t say I’m a pro at any of the newer software out there or that I have much bullet point experience.

I’m stuck in a challenging position. As a single parent, I need to work mostly during school hours—preferably with flexibility to work from home. But because of my lack of experience, I find I’m looking at the same jobs as twenty-somethings.

I have a lot of energy and I am enthusiastic, but it seems Millennials are what employers are looking for these days. How do I present myself on paper and in person as a more desirable candidate?

Ready for More

Dear Ready for More,

So, disclaimer right up front, I am not a career counselor. But I do have some thoughts. It is interesting to me that you say Millennials are the desired employee when, frankly, all I hear is complaints about them. Let me be clear—I personally have no complaints about Millennials. However, it is my experience that a lot of employers would love to have a smart, hardworking person with some life experience and common sense on their team.

You seem to have a solid two and half years of marketing experience, so I’m not sure why you are downplaying that. And you say you are not a pro at any software—but I wonder what it would take for you to become an expert at some of the marketing software that folks are using.

The school hours and flexibility thing does add to the complexity, so I asked my BFF Google to help me with “jobs for stay-at-home moms with no experience,” and guess what? All kinds of interesting ideas.

Try one of these sites.

https://realwaystoearnmoneyonline.com/jobs-that-require-no-experience/

https://workfromhomehappiness.com/work-from-home-jobs-no-experience/

These are ideas I never would have come up with and they seem legit. Isn’t the internet a wonderful thing?

I also encourage you to think about what you really want for yourself, long term. Think about your dreams and values and move toward what lights you up. I would point you to a TED talk by my pal Laura Berman Fortgang. She wrote a book called Now What and nailed the formula for finding what you are meant to do, what will bring you joy, and who you can really be out in the world.

Finally, people are more likely to pay attention to job candidates who are recommended by folks they know. So I urge you to formulate some ideas of jobs you would be great at that might fit your flexibility needs, and then share your new goals with everyone you have ever met. Go on LinkedIn and Facebook and every other social media platform you might be using. You just never know where your break is going to come from, so the more you spread the opportunity for others to help you, the more help you will get. People absolutely love to help if they can, and they are tickled pink if a connection they make results in a win!

My last point is very important. In your letter I notice your main focus is on what you have going against you. I submit that it will be much more helpful to concentrate on all the things you have going for you.

I do hope career counselors in my audience will weigh on this!

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In the case of leaders as well as learning and development professionals, it does seem like an awfully good skill set to have in the toolbox.  If that’s you, here are some thoughts to keep in mind as you begin to explore coaching.

Experience good coaching firsthand. Work with a coach and have an experience of what it is like to be a client. Working with an exceptionally capable coach will provide you with perspective and answer a lot of questions you might have.  You will learn what a coach really does and experience some coaching techniques firsthand.  Most important, you will get a strong sense of whether or not you want to provide that kind of service for others.

Take it slow and steady. If you do feel a strong calling to be a full-time coach, that’s great—but don’t quit your day job. It will take a while to get to a full practice that will sustain you financially. If you have never run your own business before, remember that that is an entirely separate skill set and the learning curve can be steep.

Get training. Being a really good listener is not enough.  Being an excellent trainer or facilitator is not enough. Consulting skills are not coaching skills. Being a psychiatrist or psychologist can be handy—but, again, coaching is a distinct approach and skill set.

Stick with certified programs. Certification is important now and will become even more so over the next decade. Find a training program that is accredited by the International Coach Federation. There are a lot of excellent programs; I cannot endorse one or another here. Your goal is to invest in a program with a proven track record and one that has the appropriate administrative structures in place. Once you find a program that appeals to you, ask to speak with a couple of former students.

Get focused. You will also want to explore what you want your focus to be. There are programs devoted to leadership, neuroscience, health and wellness, real estate sales—it goes on and on.  It is okay if you don’t have a specialty going in. Many programs provide a good foundation for lots of different specializations.  If you aren’t sure about what your niche should be, a good first clue will be the kinds of people you do your best work with.

Coaching is a great calling and coaching skills are useful to everyone—helping professionals, managers and leaders, parents, performance and sports coaches.  I encourage you to explore if you suspect this could be your passion. It would never be a waste to get training, even if you don’t feel a strong calling to be a full-time coach. If you do have your heart set on being a full time coach, don’t ignore the fact that this will mean starting your own business.  So, do go in with both eyes wide open.

I invite other longtime coaches who work in organizations to post in the comments additional thoughts they might have, and I am happy to answer questions as well.

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a global consumer goods company. I recently went through six months of coaching because my boss told me I was an excellent manager, but I needed to be more of leader.

The coach did a 360° interview process and uncovered some areas that I needed to work on. Together we developed a plan and then implemented it.

I adopted a whole bunch of new behaviors and made some real headway. At the end of the coaching, my coach and I created a list of things that had been accomplished. Then I discussed it with my boss and she seemed pleased.

Now, a few months after the close of the coaching, my boss told me she is disappointed that the coaching did not produce the results she had hoped for. She acknowledged that yes, I get things done (we had our best year ever last year), but I am still not reaching the mark. In addition, I will not get the promotion I feel I really deserve. My boss also said if they don’t see some radical changes in the next few months, they will eliminate my position.

I am absolutely stunned. I really thought I had been on the right track and now the rug has been pulled out from under me. What to do?

Stunned and Hurt

Dear Stunned and Hurt,

Well this stinks and I am so sorry. There are a lot of layers to this and I am sure I will miss a few, but I’ll do my best to be helpful right now.

Let’s start with the idea that your boss needs to see something radical or your job will be eliminated. I read that as your job is going to be eliminated and you should start looking for your next gig this minute. Don’t wait, and don’t try to guess exactly what the correct radical change is that would save your job. Based on the experience you just had, that will almost certainly fail.

Next, addressing the change of heart your boss seems to have had about the results of the coaching. I am afraid this is more common than you’d think and I have a hypothesis as to why that is. Many times we, as coaches at Blanchard, are tasked with coming in to coach one person who needs to upgrade skills and make some changes. We hate this kind of work because the manager/organization often refuses to be crystal clear about exactly which changes are needed or the serious negative consequences if the coaching participant is unable to make the changes.

It sounds like this has been the case for you. Yes, you made some changes, but apparently they weren’t exactly what your boss was looking for. It must have been a kind of “I’ll know the change when I see it” approach, and since she didn’t see what she was looking for, you are out of luck.

As for the changes you did make, it is my experience that organizations are like small towns, and no matter what you do or how you change, people are always going to see you as the way you were, not as who you have become or how you’ve grown. Many people need to leave the environment they are in to make the leap to the next level. It is just how it is.

Finally, what exactly was meant by the word leader? Was this ever made clear to you? Are you expected to become an inspirational, charismatic visionary? It is possible that your boss wants you to get a personality transplant—I can assure you everyone is highly unlikely to succeed at that.

I think you should pack up your excellent management skills and your ability to get things done (not to mention all of your new skills) and go somewhere where they need exactly who you are and what you bring to the table right now.

You can thank your boss for at least one thing: giving you a heads-up, which is a rare gift.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am young game designer living in LA. I know I have talent and drive, and I have had some success. But there just doesn’t seem to be any hope for me because it is so clearly who you know, not what you know, that counts.

I see peers getting opportunities I should be getting but I just don’t have the connections they have.

I know I should be networking but I feel funny about doing it—and I just can’t stand all of the fake sucking up that goes on. What do you think?                 

—Discouraged

Dear Discouraged,

You’re right—it is who you know. Career success will come to you as a result of your talent and work ethic plus your ability to create and nurture a strong network of relationships. That’s just the way it is. People like to work with people they know and like. And if they don’t know and like someone who can do a job, they will ask other people they know and like if they know of anyone who can do the job.

When I was a young actress in New York, I used to lament along with my friends that it was all about who you know. Nothing drove us crazier than the children of stars. Now I see so many successful people who had parents who worked in their industry. It often takes two or more generations to get someone properly positioned. Some professions are just that competitive. However, I’ve also seen the most unlikely success from people who had no connections or support whatsoever. So anything is possible, truly, with talent and hard work—and the willingness to connect to the people who are looking for exactly you.

What I am saying is this: if your success hinges on who you know, you’d better get cracking on getting to know people. Find networking opportunities that involve contests so you get to show your work. Get interested in others: decide who is doing work that is interesting to you and ask them for an informational meeting. Many will blow you off, but you’d be surprised how many people are inspired to help young talent. You have to play the “No Game”—set out at the beginning of each day trying to get as many “No’s” as you can. In many entry level jobs, this is done by cold calling. Is it hard? You bet it is! It depends on the industry, but in the New York theatre world the ratio was approximately 24 “No’s”—auditions, calls to agents and casting directors—for every “Yes.” Create a relationship map of all the people you need to know and create a strategy to move each of them from a stranger to a power fan. For an article telling you how to do this, click here.

Get clear about your goals and make them super specific. Tell them to everyone who will listen—you just never know where your break will come from. Identify the companies you want to work for and ask for an informational interview at all of them. Stay on top of their websites and apply for any job you can get. One young woman at our company interviewed for four different jobs before she got hired. She didn’t land exactly where she wanted, but she is making a splash and I am sure will get there shortly.

You don’t have to be a fake suck up, but you do have to figure out a way to be interested in others and find something to like about every person you meet. And you have to apply all of your analytical thinking and discipline to finding ways to stay in touch with people who interest you—and to keep them interested in you. If this sounds like a full time job, that’s because it is. And everyone has to do it: every person in sales, every person who has a regular job in a regular company, everyone who wants to do well and get promoted at their job. Everyone.

You may have heard that fortune favors the brave. In my experience this is true, but I would add that fortune also favors those who set specific goals and enroll others in helping them to achieve those goals. You can’t do it alone, so start building your army of fans right now.

I’m quite certain this is not what you wanted to hear. Nobody wants to hear that talent and hard work are not enough. But it’s true.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a VP of sales for a global software organization. I love my job, which is good because I work constantly and have for the past 25 years. It has been rewarding and I have saved enough to be able to think now about maybe slowing down. I have been discussing retirement with my wife and she is excited to have me around more and to travel, visit our kids and grandkids, etc.

My boss recently shared with me that he wants to groom me to take over his job. I was absolutely surprised by this as I never imagined I would be even as successful as I am, let alone considered for the senior leadership team.

This has sent me into a tailspin. I am just a sales guy. I never completed my degree because I did so well at my first sales job, which I had taken only to pay for college. At that point I was married with a kid on the way; you know how that goes. The next thing you know, 25 years has flown by.

All the people on the senior leadership team have MBAs from fancy schools, drive fancy cars, and go to fancy places. That just isn’t me. I don’t see myself being able to relate to these people—and I know my wife would not be comfortable with these folks. I haven’t even told her about this possibility because I know she will be disappointed at the prospect of the shift in our plans. It would mean, I am sure, ten more years of my working like a dog. Also, I don’t see myself as particularly strategic; I don’t know how I would add value to that team.

On the other hand, what an opportunity! I am trying to think this through logically but am barely able to think straight. Help?

In a Tailspin

Dear In a Tailspin,

Wow. As problems go, this is such a wonderful one! And I know how overwhelming this must be, so I don’t want to minimize that. I can offer you a plan for tackling this decision that will hopefully set you up to be at choice. This is a coaching term we use to express the process of looking at the whole picture, understanding what you can control and what is most important to you, and then choosing what actions you will take to achieve what you most want.

1. The first order of business is to establish what you want. Right now it is about what your boss wants (a successor) and what your wife wants (more time with you). Just because you never dreamed something would happen doesn’t mean it isn’t possible—and this magical thing is happening for you now. The question is: do you want it? Right now you can’t even access your own voice because it is getting lost in the noise of your fear. So let’s address that.
2. Face your fear: You say you are “just a sales guy.” Sales is arguably the most valuable competency in any organization—after all, there is no business without customers. People who are good at sales are astonishingly good at relating to other people. And successful sales leaders are excellent at directing and supporting others to do the same. Of course you are strategic—you don’t get to be VP in a global software company if you aren’t strategic! Because you are unclear about your strengths, you might want to ask your boss what it is about you that makes him think you should be promoted. That would help you understand what he values in you and get you past the notion that you are simply a regular guy who is lucky.
3. Stop focusing on the past: Let’s talk about this story you are telling yourself that everyone on the leadership team is too fancy for you. Cut it out. This is just complete hogwash. Maybe a couple of them have some made some fancy lifestyle choices, but that doesn’t make them different from you. I have worked with enough executives to know that almost to a person they are not only grateful for the opportunity they had to be educated but also still pinching themselves at their luck. Most of them know they aren’t better or much smarter than anyone else and many suffer from imposter syndrome. Almost everyone who achieves a position in senior leadership feels as if they don’t quite measure up for some reason and don’t quite belong. So you didn’t finish college. So what? Your boss doesn’t care. Maybe some other people will; but you can’t control that. Trust that you will be able to leverage your people skills to find something you have in common with each and every one of them, and trust that your wife will be able to do the same if she knows it is important to you. People are just people. You know that. So stop putting them on a pedestal.

To cut through the noise here, take yourself out for a long walk and ponder these questions:

• What is interesting or exciting to you about this opportunity?
• Are you signed up for the learning curve it would entail?
• Which of your strengths would you be able to leverage?
• What kind of an impact would you be able to make on the organization?
• What would you be able to accomplish?
• What would you have to give up to avail yourself of the opportunity?
• Are you willing to do that?

Once you have some clarity about your answers and decide you want to go for it, you can have a serious sit-down with your wife. If she is as eager to spend time with you as you say, she probably still actually likes you, is your best friend, and has your back—so I suspect she will be willing to support your quest.

Finally, I want to challenge your assertion that accepting this job would mean you can’t travel and visit your kids and grandchildren. Possibly the real opportunity here is for you to get creative—find a way to achieve undreamed-of success at work and have more space and time for your family. This is the ultimate senior leadership challenge, and you seem to have enough going for you that you are probably up to it.

Breathe deep, my friend—and congratulations!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I think a more accurate characterization of this generational group is what I now call the inbetweeners—those who have been stuck in a bubble of transitioning out of school, trying to build a career, and eventually getting into management. They are caught in between navigating a tough economy, getting work experience, and paying off student debt.

The new mantra for inbetweeners? Death, taxes, and student debt. Or, as Wall Street has nicknamed them, the HENRYs: High Earner, Not Rich Yet. Whatever characterization you want to make, let’s make one thing clear about inbetweeners—they got this! And they need your help!

Here’s my passive aggressive approach to help inbetweeners muddle through this in-between life stage.

The first theory: It’s not your fault.

The economic collapse and great recession had nothing to do with your life choices. You inherited a business landscape mired with corruption from the banks—and your once needed college degree doesn’t hold the weight it once did. Your curiosity to learn led you past the typical business major or pre-law approach. You dabbled in various programs, maybe even changed majors once or twice, and ended up six months from graduation knowing that the internships you were applying for wanted two to three years of direct experience. How did that happen?

At graduation, your parents asked what your plans were and you said, “I don’t know—California sounds nice.” To them, that meant you didn’t have a plan—or you didn’t know what the heck you were doing. The first probably wasn’t true but the second definitely was. No companies called you back, you didn’t have a lifeline, and even your well-to-do uncle had nothing for you at the shop. You tried. The breaking point was when your grandpa suggested you go door-to-door like he did, telling all the companies you are a hard worker and you never give up. To him it showed moxie, grit, and some maturity—like his eagle forearm tattoo.

The second theory: It is your fault.

Most of the working world buys into this second theory, thinking the Inbetweeners have no one to blame but themselves. And they’re right. It is your fault. Did you have to be a general studies major? I know the classes were easier and you got to choose things you were really interested in, but what are your transferable business skills? I know the out of state college that accepted you was everything you wanted, but is being $50K in debt for an undergraduate degree really worth it? Maybe some of your life choices didn’t equate to successful business skills and outcomes. For those who have been irked by these realities, here are some hilarious comebacks by the inbetweeners who recently hijacked a Twitter hashtag.

Although some of you have been settled in your role for a few years and are now looking toward the new challenge of management, chances are you haven’t been properly trained to manage. Maybe you have a degree from an Ivy League School—maybe even an advanced degree. Maybe your mom told you that you are the best and she still loves you. With all this going for you, how does your employer not notice you? You’ve even said “Put me in coach, I’ve been playing left bench for too long.” You just want a shot.

Perhaps you should take a second and think about that jump. A recent survey says that 51 percent of inbetweeners are in formal leadership positions but most of those aren’t prepared to take over a management job.  For those who can’t wait, there is some good news.

The latest data released on CNN shows that median income in the US just increased for the first time since 2007—the year before the great recession started. The stronger job market is starting to translate into higher wages and more opportunities for growth and management within organizations. Now it is more imperative than ever to establish those management capabilities. That starts by developing sound decision making skills, earning trust by completing tasks, and collaborating across departments to get work accomplished.

Developing true managerial and business skills before you jump into management will more likely ensure a long and successful career. You’ll get your chance. Just make sure you are ready when your name is called.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an office manager for a mid-sized business. I really like my job and am well treated and decently paid. I am also a single mom of a son who is in eleventh grade. He and I are spending a lot of time planning for his college applications and I have been researching scholarships.

My problem is that I find myself envying my kid. I never finished college for all kinds of reasons—the biggest one being the birth of my son. The professionals in my office all have master’s degrees. I know I am at least as smart as any of them, but without a degree I will never be considered for those types of positions. Daily, I fight the urge to quit my job and go back to school. I am worried that one of these days I’ll just up and quit. —Champing at the Bit

Whoa there, Champing.

Envy doesn’t make you a bad person. Actually, it can be a gift—it gives us insight into what we truly desire. So use it as a critical data point about how you plan to spend your time and your resources. In the future.

I sympathize with your impatience. You seem to have really behaved like a responsible grown up, which I can tell you from personal experience can be exhausting. I can certainly understand that you are feeling done. But let’s not get crazy and do anything rash. It sounds like your job situation is decent and I believe you’d regret losing that security without a plan in place. The key word there is plan—and that is what I recommend you make for yourself. Take a look at adult education options where you can start earning college credits while you are working. You could get a few credits under your belt and then continue more intensely once your son goes away to school. Many companies will reimburse their employees who take courses toward a degree. Have you ever discussed this with your boss? Even if your company won’t pay, you can certainly pursue a degree while you are working. I earned my master’s that way. Okay, it took me a long time, but I finally finished and I cannot tell you how satisfying it feels.

So. Don’t quit a good job. Do your research, make a plan, start small and take steps. Soon you will be so busy achieving your goal that you won’t have time to feel impatient.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I recently saw Casnocha speak at The Ken Blanchard Companies’ 2015 Summit. He explained that a tour of duty was a modern day approach to engaging top talent who will innovate and take an organization to new heights. This approach goes hand in hand with an organization’s need to innovate—to embrace employees’ entrepreneurial instincts to do things differently and stretch beyond current thinking. Not only did this approach resonate with me personally, it also got me thinking about the coaching we do with our client leaders. In coaching, leaders often work with their coach on stretching for their next promotion; essentially, their next tour of duty.

Coaching and tour of duty concepts are both catalysts for growth—growth that catapults both employee and employer to new heights. It’s about lifetime employability versus lifetime employment.

Wondering if you could use some growth in your career? Start by answering these questions:

• Are you stuck in the doldrums at work?
• Do you have the right amount of demanding work that pushes you to stretch and learn?
• Have you mastered the role you are currently serving and want more?

If you answered yes to any of these, you likely don’t need to do much additional analyzing—you know when it is time.

Now, move from acknowledgement to planning and discovery. Begin by having a conversation with your manager. You must position with your manager that you have a desire to discover your next role—it’s not going to come looking for you, so you need to take responsibility. A few things to consider:

• Make a list of your strengths. What is your value contribution to the organization? What have you accomplished to be leveraged elsewhere in the company?
• Get clarity on your passion. If you are not clear about what excites you in the field of work, spend time figuring it out. Look back over the last year and make a list of times when you were firing on all cylinders and loving the work you were doing. What was it?
• Create options. Do you want to do the same job in a different area, or to be with different people? Is there a part of the organization that has a need not currently being served where you could add value? Should you look outside of the organization? Of course, organizations don’t want to see their top contributors leave. But it shouldn’t be a surprise when it happens if those contributors are not enabled to learn and grow.

What else would you recommend a leader do in discovering and finding their next tour of duty? What other resources or advice do you have for people who want to learn and grow?  I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic.

About the Author

Joni Wickline is Vice President, Professional Services with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Wickline’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director (eighteen years with the organization) in an old, well established, multinational firm. I have actually worked with a coach who helped me become a better manager and expand my network. My boss—let’s call him Tom—has always been a fan of mine and has helped me to grow and develop. Up until now, that is. A while back, it became apparent that Tom was having an affair with his secretary. It was painfully obvious to everyone, and people were talking about it. He was married, with kids and a golden retriever, and his secretary would literally giggle when she was around him.

At a certain point he was really becoming quite the talk of the town. So, at the end of a one on one with Tom, I told him that he should pay attention to how he and his secretary were behaving because they were headline news on the gossip channel. I thought we were friends and that I was watching his back.

Well, big mistake. First of all, he categorically denied it. That should have been my clue that we were not, in fact, friends. He then proceeded to remove me from all of the strategic meetings he had been sending me to, to take away a couple of direct reports, and finally to give me a crappy performance review that was totally fiction and uncalled for. I know this because I have never received a poor performance review in my entire working life. Worst of all, I wasn’t even considered for a promotion that he had been openly grooming me for.

This all happened over a long period of time. He was so good at masking the truth of what was going on that it actually took me awhile to put two and two together. My attempts to discuss this with him and work it out have met with total stonewalling. But the bottom line—and this is where I am now—is that I have been punished. Severely punished. I am heartsick over the loss of someone I thought was a friend and the unfairness of it all. I will never find a job like this one in my geographical area, I have kids and don’t want to have to move them. Help.     —Trapped

Dear Trapped,

Is there anything worse than doing something with the best of intentions only to have it blow up in your face? Talk about the adage “No good deed goes unpunished.” So let me first say I am so sorry about this situation. It absolutely stinks. You might want to call up that old coach just to have someone to talk to about this and get some support in deciding how you are going to proceed. In the meantime, here are some ideas of ways you could go.

1. You could go to HR and be a whistle blower. It depends a lot on your company’s policies, but an old established company probably has a rule about relationships in the workplace—especially between manager and direct report. At the very least there almost certainly are implicit rules regarding common decency and decorum. Although it is true that nobody likes a rat (refer to last week’s post), in this case you really might have a leg to stand on.
2. Get legal advice. Get some advice from an employment attorney—and getting the scoop on your state laws can’t hurt. You may very well have a case for harassment in the form of retaliation, especially if you had impeccable performance reviews before this happened. Of course, this would initiate a long journey through the legal system that might just end your career—so be very honest with yourself about just how angry you are and to what extent you are willing to go to remedy the unfairness and hurt feelings.
3. Put yourself on the market. Brush up that resume and create a LinkedIn profile. Return those calls you have been getting from headhunters. If nothing else, you will put the intention out there and get a reminder of just how experienced and skilled you are. You say there is no way you will get another job—but you don’t really know that for sure.
4. Keep your head down and wait it out. I have heard this story before, and I can guarantee this is not going to end well for Tom. So, you could focus on getting your work done, developing your people, and creating relationships with as many people in the organization as possible, and just ride out the soap opera. Take some classes to brush up your skills. Don’t forget about your career aspirations; just put them on the back burner for now.

Finally—and you probably really don’t need to hear this—I feel obligated to underline something here, if only for my readers. When you like someone and have an easy, amicable relationship, it is easy to overestimate their level of self awareness and ability to tell the truth about themselves—especially when they are behaving badly. Almost always—and certainly when the person has the ability to make your life a living hell— it is the wiser move to keep your mouth shut even when you have the best of intentions.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I sure could use some help. I have worked for a company for 12 years. Here is the story. All I hear from my boss are the same words: “Oh you are such a good worker, we always can depend on you to produce, you always make me look good to the higher ups.” Even my boss’s boss says the same thing. How do I ask my boss nicely, “Why am I not being advanced to a higher position?”—and get her to act on it?     —Ready for a Promotion!

Dear Ready,

How wonderful that your boss and the “higher ups” recognize how competent, hard working, and dependable you are. You are clearly an employer’s dream!

As you begin your quest for a promotion, here are a few things to think about:

Be clear about what you want. What do you really want? What would it really mean to be in a “higher position”? Do you really want to do a different job? Do you want to manage other people, like your boss does? Or do you just want more money and a better office? Perhaps if there are no real advancement opportunities you could ask for more paid time off or more flexibility in your working hours. Or perhaps you want the company to pay for more training or an advanced degree. The idea of a higher position sounds good, but it will be even better if you define exactly what that means to you.

Ask for what you want. Asking your boss a question that starts with why will only put her on the defensive (this is true in most cultures and languages), because it sounds as if you assume she has an answer. The truth, most likely, is that she has not thought about promoting you at all. Why would she want to change something that is working perfectly (at least for her)? The better strategy is to be very clear about what you want and then ask for it. Nicely.

I notice from your letter that you are female. Generally speaking, it is more difficult for women than for men to ask for what they want—this is well documented and discussed in Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever’s book, Women Don’t Ask. Click this link to see some staggering statistics on this topic. The authors’ research shows that men generally get promotions, perks, extra benefits, and special consideration because they ask for it. Asking can be challenging, but being clear about what you want will contribute to your confidence level. I also recommend that you practice your request a couple of times with someone you trust. Finally, it is a good idea to ask for a little more than you would actually be happy with so there is room for negotiation and everybody ends up happy—a win-win. When I was building my first coaching business, my mentor told me to ask for more than I thought I was worth. It is scary, but I do encourage you to try it.

Consider the landscape. How much room is there at the top? If your office or location is relatively small, there may be, quite simply, nowhere for you to go. If the only way upward would be for you to take your boss’s job, you are going to have a problem. The best way upward might be for you to move to a different office. Are you willing to move to an office in another location?

Groom your replacement. One big reason managers don’t promote individual contributors is because the person is too valuable to lose. It will be up to you to answer the question how will they replace me? If it begins to look as if you might be considered for a promotion, identify someone who could do your job and begin grooming them to take over.

The ancient Roman philosopher Seneca said, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” This is certainly my experience. So keep up the good work—and in the meantime get clear, think it through, prepare, and rehearse. You will know when it is the moment to seize your chance. Good luck!

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am senior manager for my firm with a large team reporting to me. I have been doing what I do for a long time and I am very good at it, as I have been told repeatedly.

A lot of what I do would be in the job description of a vice president, and I believe it’s time for me to get the title and salary to reflect this.

When I bring this up to my boss, who is the COO, he tells me there are obstacles that I must overcome before I am promoted. He says I rub a lot of people the wrong way and do not have the gravitas of a senior leader.

It is true that I don’t always see eye to eye with everyone in the organization, but I’m usually right in the end. I’m getting frustrated. Although I love my company, I’m thinking about looking for a new gig where my talents are recognized and—more importantly—properly compensated. —Undervalued

Dear Undervalued,

I can totally get how frustrated you are. Here’s the thing, though: there is a good chance that the situation you are in now will simply follow you to any new job. You have been given pretty clear feedback. Trying to run away from it won’t change the fact that you rub people the wrong way. If you do manage to get a new gig with the title you crave, you will be who you are now with more power. According to John Eldred, longtime professor of Mastering Organizational Politics and Power at the University of Pennsylvania, this means you will get compliance mainly when people’s goals align with yours. When their goals are different from yours, they will go around you in secret, they will fight you openly, or—worst case—they will sabotage you. At best, you will get compliance. Is that what you want? Probably not. You want your team to be brilliant, creative, innovative, and ultimately greater than the sum of its parts, including you.

So.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you were to listen to the feedback and try to do something about it? Seriously, no one is asking you to get a personality transplant, but you can start experimenting with getting along better with others. Anyone hiring at VP or C level is looking for someone who can bring out the best in others, create unity and cohesion in a group, and get things done with and through others. They are not looking for a leader who is “usually right in the end.” At this level, the fact that you know a lot and have good ideas is a given.

I’m pretty sure this is not what you wanted to hear, and for that I am sorry. But you owe it to your own talent to develop your leadership abilities so you can shine at the next level.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I got so much mail about my last post, I Think My Boss is Trying to Get Rid of Me, that I want to address the essence of the comments, which is: What if it’s actually true?

My response to the original letter was based on the question as presented, which contained no evidence that the writer’s boss was doing anything but offering some useful feedback. My rationale was this: It’s sometimes hard for a manager to give feedback. Often when it comes, it’s late and seems like it’s coming out of left field.

For this reason I felt that jumping immediately to “My boss is threatened by me and wants me gone” seemed a little premature. There is a significant body of research that supports the notion that accepting feedback at face value helps with self development, so that’s how I drafted my response. When working with clients who are getting 360-degree feedback and the client automatically discounts something that might be useful, I will often ask, “What if this were true?” You just never quite know where a blind spot might be, and all feedback is data of some kind.

Having said this, it‘s also true that sometimes a boss is trying to get rid of you, for all kinds of possible reasons—many of them not personal. And I have seen it happen—unethical as it is—that a manager needs to let someone go and, to avoid complications and severance, tries to do it by making life at work so unpleasant and demoralizing that the person just quits. This is truly bad behavior; unfortunately, it happens all the time.

So let’s address that now. How can you know if this is happening to you? The warning signs to look for are changes—sudden, unexpected, and unexplained. A discreet piece of feedback is one thing, but a big surprise of a whole landslide of negative feedback—such as a terrible performance review after many balanced ones—is another. Your direct reports suddenly being moved out of your department or key projects being taken away or shut down would be another clue. If you’ve had a good relationship with your boss with regular one on ones and all of a sudden you don’t get a return text, email, or phone call despite repeated efforts, that could be a hint.

If this sounds familiar, what should you do? I’d love to say that you could sit down with your manager and try to get them to come clean, but many organizations are so close-lipped about what’s really going on that this probably wouldn’t get the desired result.

Instead, here are some suggestions I’ve recommended to other clients:

First try to understand what reasons your manager or company might have for wanting you out or your role gone. It could have to do with a shift in strategy or a need to downsize. If you are highly compensated, the organization may have decided to replace you with a more junior person at half the salary. Sure, quality might suffer—but how much?

Once you get a sense of what might be going on, it can inform your search for other spots in the organization where you could add value. Ask department leaders for informational interviews or go talk to HR—pursue every in-house possibility based on the relationships you have. Your boss might be inspired by your initiative and inspired to help you if they can.

Finally, if you have exhausted all options and know the change is imminent, brush up your resume, sharpen your LinkedIn profile, return those calls from recruiters, and start looking for your next gig. I recently had a conversation with a woman who used to work as a reservations supervisor at a major airline. She said, “After the first few mergers, I saw the writing on the wall. So I took out a loan and went back to school to become a radiology technician.” You never know—a change that initially seems very bad can turn into something very good.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I have a direct report who is diligent and dependable. She is pleasant around the company and everybody likes and respects her. The problem is that she regularly brings up her desire to move to a job in a different department. She says that’s where her passion is.  

I have spoken to the VP of that department and although my employee has a fine reputation, there is no evidence she has any skills in that particular area.  I have suggested to her that she get her feet wet by participating on cross-departmental planning committees so that others in that department can see how talented she is, but she demurs and says she is too busy. How can I help her?  —Wants to Help 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Dear Wants,

It’s great that you are willing to help your people think about their future and that you encourage them to follow their passion.  You have already done a lot.  It’s hard to tell from your question whether your employee does have the experience and talent to make a move—but even if she does, it doesn’t help her cause that she refuses to take the first step toward her supposed goal.

Here’s what you might do now:

• Tell her how critical it is for her to be recognized for what she loves by volunteering to help whenever possible in cross-departmental activities. Emphasize that, if she’s really serious, she needs to find a way to make a splash internally so the VP of that department will notice her. Remind her that everybody is busy, and that getting the job you want sometimes means you have to start doing it in addition to your regular job.
• Ask her how she would like you to help her. She may have some really good ideas but may feel shy to share them. Encourage brainstorming on the topic so it isn’t all on you. Ask her to consider other ways she might develop and demonstrate new skills. People are much more likely to be excited by ideas that they come up with themselves.
• Ask what might be getting in the way of her taking the leap to pursue her passion and what she might be able to do to move past the obstacles.

A lot of people talk a big game, but a goal without an action plan and a deadline is a dream.  It is fine and well to have a passion, but if she wants to set a real goal, she needs to put her money where her mouth is and get on with it.

She is lucky to have you as a manager.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I recently earned a great big promotion, and just moved into a beautiful house with my hubby and toddler. But the truth is, I am terrified of all the success I’ve had before 35.

However will I sustain it?  How do I know I’ll be happy with all this when I look back when I’m 50?

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

Congratulations on your wonderful success!  It is normal to feel anxiety as your responsibility grows – the more you have, the more you have to lose if things go wrong.  Here’s the good news: research shows that 88% of the stuff you worry about will never happen, and that whatever does happen, you’ll deal with it better than you anticipate.

Let’s take a look at your concerns:  sustaining your success and determining what really makes you happy.  Here are a few big ideas that should help:

• Define what success really means to you. To sustain success, you have to be clear about your personal definition of that word. What elements of your current success—the big job, the beautiful house, the family—are essential to your definition of success? What’s missing? What’s optional? What do you want to see when you look back at 50? Paint a picture of the future and create a clear, long-term vision.
• Identify your values. To understand what will make you happy in the long run, you have to be clear about your values. Knowing your values also helps when you reach crossroad choice points, because you can choose what matters most to you. So—what is most important to you about your beautiful house? Is it the prestige of the address or is it the spaciousness it affords you and your family?  How about your big job?  Is it that you get to be challenged and leverage your strengths or is it that you have status and power?  Values can shift as you move into new periods of your life, so it is a good idea to re-examine them regularly.
• Focus on personal sustainability. Next you will want to get serious about how you sustain your own health and well being – literally, your personal sustainability. The concept of life/work balance can seem like just another goal you are failing at. But you need to make sure you hold up over the long haul.  Investing time in taking care of yourself will help ensure that no matter what happens, you will be healthy and clear-minded enough to make the best choices for yourself and the people you care about.  Decide what your standards are for self care and stick to them tenaciously.
• Never compare. As your toddler gets to be school age, you will be rubbing elbows with other moms and have the experience of being judged and found wanting by what I have come to refer to as the Mommy Police.  And as harsh as the Mommy Police may be, they won’t hold a candle to the way you judge yourself.  At the same time, at work, you will feel the competitive pressure of young whippersnappers just like yourself who can put in the hours without feeling the Mommy guilt.  Notice whatever impulse you have to compare yourself to others – any others, ever – and immediately counter it with a mantra that goes something like: “I am paying attention to what is most important to me and what other people are doing is not relevant right now.”  Also helpful is Judy Ford’s “your opinion of me is none of my business.”  Decide whose opinion actually does matter and listen to only those people.  Decide what your priorities are, based on your values, and don’t let anyone but your designated posse pressure you into doubting yourself.

Breathe deep; try to enjoy the ride.  Unexpected setbacks are inevitable, but if you keep your eye on your vision and values, take care of yourself, and trust yourself, you will look back with no regrets.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

But before we get going with actual questions, I thought it would be a good idea to share the framework that I use to contextualize the questions I get and the advice I give on a regular basis.

(I don’t just make stuff up as I go – people may actually think that coaches do that, but I am here to tell you that the good ones use research, models, and frameworks that are proven to yield the best possible results.  To make stuff up I would actually have to be a lot smarter than I am.)

As a coach for the past 25 years I have seen many methods used to help clients identify what they need to work on to be more effective leaders.  I have found that almost all focus areas fit into one of three main categories – deciding who we are as a leader, being a good strategic leader, and being a good operational leader. Most issues leaders face like time management, managing up, dealing with “problem” employees, and decision making can be placed into these three critical areas. 

Self Concept as a Leader

Each leader has to define for herself who she will be as a leader, and what leadership means to her.  Almost every client I have ever worked with talks about character and integrity and the question is always begged: how are character and integrity defined? Each leader is personally stronger when that person understands self and what leadership means within the framework of self. In future columns we will be exploring “Who are you as a leader?” and “Who do you want to be in this situation?” 

Strategic Leadership Skills

This includes vision, culture and strategic imperatives.  We’ll discuss how leaders can articulate the vision for the organization and paint a clear picture of the future that everyone in the company can visualize and work toward.  We’ll also discuss how the strategic leader defines and builds the culture of an organization, and how leaders create a specific yet compatible culture within the larger one.  Finally, we’ll look at how a leader ensures that all resources are being deployed to help achieve the strategic imperatives of the organization.  

Operational Leadership Skills

Operational Leadership covers management practices that drive policy, procedures, and systems.  Leaders at the operational level are responsible for knowing the strategies that are driving operations.  We’ll look at how managers set policies, put procedures in place to communicate, make decisions, manage conflict, escalate emergencies, and solve problems. In this section we’ll also look at how leaders help the group state norms and roles and then hold people accountable to the agreements made.

3 Big Buckets—A World of Questions

Almost every work issue that a client brings to a coaching session can be anchored in one of these three areas, and shedding light and achieving clarity can always help.  Where do you get stuck?  Write to me and perhaps I can help.  Just use the reply section below to post your well-intentioned question.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard, and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Although I say that somewhat jokingly, there is an element of truth I’m trying to reinforce with my team—every day you show up to work is an interview for your job. In today’s economy you have to continually demonstrate to your employer how you’re adding value to the organization. I’m not talking about approaching your job from a state of fear, constantly afraid of being let go if you don’t hit a home run every time you come to bat. I’m talking about having an understanding and appreciation for how you have to “bring it” each day you walk through your company’s front door.

Here are five key principles that will help you increase the value and contribution you provide to your organization and increase your chances for long-term success in your career:

1. Accept the new reality – My brother Ron had only one job his entire life. He recently retired from a 40+ year career with a national grocery store chain, having been employed by them since he was a 17 year-old high school student. Those days are gone for most of us. We live in a new reality of a dynamic, constantly shifting, and evolving global economy. It requires businesses to be agile and shift their strategies to take advantage of new opportunities, create new markets, or ward off upstart competitors. You have to come to grips with the need to constantly stay relevant in your job or profession. Complacency and stagnation makes you vulnerable and less valuable to your organization. If you aren’t adding value, you’re probably expendable.

2. Take charge of your own career development – As employees, all of us should expect our employer to help develop us in our role, but career development should be seen as a privilege, not a right. Organizations have an obligation to provide the right training, tools, and resources to enable employees to maximize their potential in the job they were hired to do. But career development (promotions, moving into new roles, etc.) is a privilege and is not the employer’s responsibility. Is it a smart thing for employers to facilitate career development in order to attract and retain key talent? Absolutely! But it’s up to you to keep learning, to further your education, improve proficiency in your job, and develop new skills in alignment with the direction of your organization’s goals and strategies. No one else except you is responsible for your career development.

3. Have an ownership mentality – How would the value of your contribution be different if you acted like you own the place? Would you be more emotionally invested and passionate about the work you do? Would you produce higher quality products? Would you be a little more prudent or cautious with company expenses? Would you care a little more about the customer experience? People who approach their jobs with an ownership mentality care about these sorts of things. They view themselves as stewards of the company’s resources and work hard to promote the success of the entire organization, not just their particular role, team, or department.

4. Build your brand – Whether you realize it or not, you have a brand image at work. Your brand image is not only how people perceive you (your reputation), but also what differentiates you from everyone else in your company. Tom Peters, the guru of personal branding, says, “If you are going to be a brand, you’ve got to become relentlessly focused on what you do that adds value, what you’re proud of, and most important, what you can shamelessly take credit for.” Forget your job title. What is it about your performance that makes you memorable, distinct, or unique? What’s the “buzz” on you? Forget about your job description too. What accomplishments are you most proud of? How have you gone above, beyond, or outside the scope of your job description to add value to your organization? Those are the elements that make up your brand. Check out this article if you need help developing your brand.

5. Consider yourself an independent contractor – Most of us are governed by at-will employment agreements with our companies. Either party can decide to end the employment relationship at any time for any reason (within certain legal boundaries, of course). You would be well-served to view yourself as an independent contractor in the business of you—You, Inc. You have hired out your services to your employer in exchange for a specific level of compensation. At some point in time, either by your choice or your employer’s, that business arrangement may change or end. In the meantime, focus on building a portfolio of accomplishments you can use to secure business with future clients. See rules 1 and 2 above.

Thinking of yourself in these ways might be new to you. It takes a shift in perspective to view yourself as not just an employee doing a job, but as an independent contractor running your own business. If you make that shift, you’ll realize you have to constantly develop your skill-set (i.e., the services you have to offer), build an attractive brand image, and consistently demonstrate to your client (i.e., employer) how you’re adding value. Remember, you are in the business of YOU!

Randy Conley is the V.P. of Client Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts normally appear the fourth Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

Even organizations with the most successful work from home programs confirm that some individuals work better in an office environment than they do from a home office.

What about you?  Here are some of the traits I’ve seen that might suggest working from home might not be the best fit for your personality or work style. Strongly reconsider working from home if:

1. Your favorite part of work is the friendships and social nature of the workplace.  Working from home can be isolating and lonely.
2. You don’t have basic computer maintenance and troubleshooting skills.  At some point, you will probably be required to identify whether your technical problem is related to software, hardware or internet connectivity without support from your IT help desk.  Do you routinely clean up and back up your system?  Unless these tasks are as natural to you as brushing your teeth, you might want to reconsider the home option.
3. You need external validation for your good work.  From time to time, we all want and need to hear from others that we are doing a good job.  At the same time if you find yourself regularly reporting on your work so others will recognize your accomplishments, you may miss these rewards.
4. You do not have excellent time management, organizational skills and self-discipline. One of the advantages of working from home is that you are less likely to be distracted by others.  At the same time, many of us are our own worst enemy around staying focused.  Home can have as many distractions as an office if we are not careful.  And in reverse, without self restraint you could also end up regularly working 10 – 12 hour days leading to resentment and burnout.
5. You do not have an office space that can remain organized and quiet.  Working on the kitchen table when the kids come home from school and want a snack may inaccurately communicate to those on your conference call that you are not prepared for serious work.
6. You have been told (or suspect) that your email communication is not clear or makes others uncomfortable or angry.  Since more of our communication is via email and messaging, we need to be highly sensitive to the impact of our communication on others. Without the ability to fully communicate face to face, and to pick up on the subtle clues around misunderstanding, frustration or anger, we can negatively impact others’ desire to work with us, and not be aware of the impact our communication has on teamwork until significant damage has occurred.

For many people, working from home provides an environment that can eliminate a long commute and provide a quieter, more productive atmosphere with fewer distractions.  For others, working from home can seem isolating, poorly directed, and unsupported.  And while some of these items are skills that can be developed, others may be fundamental aspects of your personality.  If you, or others you know, are considering working from home, keep this checklist in mind to ensure you are both happy and successful in this new environment.

What are your thoughts and experiences?   Share them in the comments section.

About the author

Carmela Sperlazza Southers is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. Her posts on increasing organizational, team, and leader effectiveness in the virtual work world appear on the fourth Monday of every month.

Once the responsibilities and difficulties of a new management role emerge fully, some find themselves in a dilemma.   Maybe you.   Maybe me.   Maybe the new supervisor next door.

It starts out simple enough.  You work through lunch to prepare for an important meeting. Then you accept meetings over your lunch period. Then, after a day of meetings, you stay after hours to answer waiting email. Unchecked, you attempt to get a jump on the week by working on Sundays.  Just a couple of hours.  Just a slice of time – a slice of life – every lunch, every evening, every weekend.

Before you know it, you perceive new expectations from others about your response rate and high productivity. You begin to realize you have created a new normal—and you’re not sure you like it.

Under stress and working too many hours, people tend to gain weight because the stress hormone cortisol tells the body to store fat. Eating patterns may include sugar, caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol to ease feelings of tension, frustration, and exhaustion. Self-esteem takes a hit and eventually feelings of resentment and anger arise. It’s not easy watching everyone else pull out of the parking lot when you know you have more to do.

Tell me truthfully—is this the way you want to work? The way you want to live? Is the water warming up or is it just me?

If you relate to any of this, I urge you to stop and consider.

You can’t offer your best self to any colleague or any organization if you are tired, chubby, and grumpy. Take a step back and reassess your work patterns. If you find yourself in hot water, step out while there’s still time and make some changes that are in your own best interest. You’ll be glad you did.

About the author:

Cathy Huett is the Director of Professional Services at The Ken Blanchard Companies.  This is the fifth in a series of posts specifically geared toward new and emerging leaders. To read more, be sure to check out:

• Step Up As You Move Up: 3 tips for new managers
• Two Ways to Consider A New Manager Role
• Redirection Redefined – 5 Steps to Stay on Track
• When a Great Boss Says Goodbye – 5 Ideas to Salvage Support

When the stars line up perfectly, you have a great boss and your growth and success seem assured.  You have a person who guides and directs you, supports you, listens to you, laughs with you, shares disappointments with you, and brainstorms solutions with you. You have a leader who sets your goals and career path, opens doors, shares insights, paints the future picture and provides hope.  As the country song goes, “You’re gonna miss this.”

What can you do when you learn you will lose your best boss? Here are some actions you can take to keep an element of control and keep your career on track.

Download. Proactively set up time to gather important information and advice from your boss. What is the big-picture plan? What are the important projects, steps, and details? Ask for career advice relative to your company. The short term left for your boss may create a safer space to share more openly and honestly.

Mine. I have always believed that there is opportunity in chaos and churn. With some digging you may uncover new ideas, vistas or needs. There may be a promotion for you in this wave of change.  Are there projects you can take over? Could a conversation be had about reorganizing your department? Discuss possibilities proactively with your boss’s boss.

Interview. Ask to be part of the interview process to find your next boss. Prepare a list of benefits to your being on the interview panel. For instance, you know the makeup of the team and the projects in process. You have a unique ability to gauge cultural fit.  You deserve to be part of the process. Believe it—and ask for it.

Stay positive. As a manager, it is your job to soften the blow of the news for your team. If you admired your boss, it is likely others did too. Steer the ship through this choppy sea. Model confidence in the future, keep people focused, and provide hope.

Emulate. If your boss is someone you will remember ask yourself what made her so special. What did she do or say that brought out the best in you? How did he navigate the system for the good of the team? How did she break through obstacles while maintaining positive relationships? What made him wise? Remember and emulate the impressive characteristics, habits, relationships and style your good boss had.  Notice, learn, emulate, repeat.

Losing a terrific leader can shake up anyone. If you accept and manage the new normal, you’ll survive, New Manager, and so will your team.

About the author:

Cathy Huett is Director, Professional Services at The Ken Blanchard Companies.  This is the fourth in a series of posts specifically geared toward new and emerging leaders.

It’s called “backward planning” and it begins by imagining where you would like to be in 10 years. Where do you see yourself? From there, you move backward to identify where you need to be in nine years, eight years, etc., to ultimately reach that 10-year goal. In Blanchard’s experience, taking a minute to stop, look around, and think about where you are going can help you identify the moves you need to make right now that will get you one step closer to where you want to be.

In addition to taking a “backward” approach to future career growth, Blanchard also recommends that you think through a four-step checklist to make sure that you have the resources you need to set yourself up for success.  He uses the acronym PLAN to help make it memorable.

Where are you headed?

When was the last time you took a break from the day-to-day to see what direction you are headed in?  Do you have a plan in place for your career success?  If it has been awhile, here are four ways to get back on track.

P stands for People and Praise. Find people you can discuss your career with. Reach out and surround yourself with people who will give you support, honest feedback, and encouragement along the way. Who can you add to your career development team?

L stands for Learning. Open your world and identify resources that will keep you growing. Look inside your work world by exploring online courses and other training and development opportunities. Look outside work for special experiences that can broaden your horizons. What’s a new experience you can add to your resume?

A stands for Assessment. Assess your current strengths, weaknesses, and value in relation to your career possibilities. Are there gaps in your current skills or experience that need to be addressed?

N stands for getting past No. Design strategies for dealing with negative situations such as rejection, obstacles, or failures. Few careers proceed exactly as planned. Failure isn’t fatal and setbacks will occur. How can you build resiliency into your plan to help you learn from negative experiences and move forward?

Take some time to evaluate where you are right now. The most successful people maintain a focus on the present and on the future. To read more of Blanchard’s thinking, check out the Fast Company online article, The Wisdom Of The Two Steps Forward, One Step Back Career Plan