Hello Madeleine,

I have read your articles, and I wanted to reach out to you.

I have an equal business partner with whom I have successfully run a restaurant for six years. While I have 30 years of experience in the industry, my business partner had no previous knowledge about restaurant operations. I have used my expertise to elevate our restaurant to a high level.

The reason I am contacting you is to seek advice on how to end this partnership. I would like to either buy him out or have him buy me out. I have made this offer to him but he has not accepted either option.

My desire to end the partnership stems from his wealthy background, which has led him to expect me to work harder to generate more profit for him. He frequently complains about the restaurant’s profits, yet contributes nothing to its success. He has a dominant personality that can sometimes be narcissistic, and he often threatens to dissolve the company. He also brings up the need for expensive lawyers to discuss potential agreements, but my goal is simply to have him leave or to receive compensation so I can move on.

I hope to get your guidance on how to make the best decision in this situation.

Aggrieved Partner

——————-

Dear Aggrieved Partner,

I am sorry for your tribulations. This is a tough one. I wish I could wave a magic wand, send you back six years, and have the two of you map out clear agreements about not only what each person would be expected to contribute to the partnership but also how to manage an exit plan.

Since we can’t go back in time, you are stuck with a situation in which you are dealing with uncomfortable conflict and could potentially lose a lot. What agreements did you sign when you first conceived the idea of a partnership? Might you have something in writing? It seems like you brought the experience and the sweat equity while he provided the seed money. How have you been sharing whatever profit gets generated? You say he threatens to dissolve the company—do you have any ownership stake or power at all?

First things first. You must figure out what matters most to you. Is it winning? Is it punishing your partner for being such a jerk? Or is it more important to get out of this partnership with your sanity and reputation intact, or maybe just find a way to reduce your stress? Once you work this out, you will have a clearer picture of how to proceed.

Here are some options for you to consider:

• Check the laws in your country about business ownership. Consult a lawyer of your own to see what rights you have based on whatever agreements do exist.
• There is something going on that the two of you are not talking about. It seems that your partner (term used loosely) is avoiding the topic of bringing the partnership to a close. Is he perhaps more attached to the business than you realize? There might be some emotional reason that he goes immediately on the defensive when you bring up the topic. The question to your partner might be: “It seems you are unhappy with my ability to generate profit, so I am curious as to why you seem unwilling to dissolve the partnership.”

The more you can communicate with each other, the more likely you will come to some resolution. For this to happen, I will draw your attention to your own grievances against your partner. I am not saying you are wrong about him, but I do think your harsh judgment of him—no doubt formed over years of experience—is almost certainly bleeding into the way you communicate with him. That can’t help matters. Try to remember the way you behaved with your partner when things were first starting and you held him in higher regard. Do your best to shelve your criticisms, well founded as they may be, and change the way you treat your partner. You may think you are good at hiding your opinions, but I guarantee he is feeling them. No one wants to negotiate with someone who hates them.

• It sounds like your partner is distracted and wishes to maintain status quo. If you are desperate enough to poke the bear, make it real to your partner. Prepare two options for him in writing:
  • First option: He sells you his share of the business for what you think it is worth based on the initial investment. Perhaps lay out a scenario in which you buy him out and pay him a set amount over time.
  • Second option: You offer to sell him your share of the business, outlining the value of your sweat equity and what you think that is worth.

Get a lawyer to help you prepare the documents so that they are properly constructed. Your partner might be impatient and annoyed enough to just move ahead and sign one option or the other. Until you do that, he probably won’t take you seriously.

• I hate to say this, but if you feel strongly enough about getting out, you may just have to walk away. Everybody in town is probably aware that you are the heart and soul of the restaurant and the one who has made it a thriving concern. There is a very good chance, based on your reputation, that you will find someone who is willing to invest in you again. If there are no legal documents spelling out the agreements, you might be able to find a way to generate a new opportunity for yourself and simply—leave. If there are no agreements in place, there is nothing any lawyer can do about it, no matter how well compensated they are.
• The last option I can think of is to find a way to focus on what is working. Park your judgment, let your partner’s behavior roll off your back, and enjoy the good thing you have created.

I am truly sorry, Aggrieved Partner, for your situation. Business partnerships are notoriously fraught under the best of circumstances. They are similar to marriages in that no one wants to consider that they might end, and very few prepare well for that possibility. This one is not unlike a marriage in which no pre-nuptial agreement was negotiated. I suspect you will never make that mistake again. I have seen people simply tolerate terrible partners because the pain and loss of dissolving the partnership (or marriage, for that matter) far outweighs the benefits in the long run.

Once you know what is most important to you, you will know what to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a giant real estate company and have been selling houses in a big metropolitan city for a long time. Over the years, I’ve been heavily recruited and this is my third company. I never wanted to be in management as I really like working with clients. I’ve had terrible managers, decent managers, and everything in between.

My company has always received a percentage of the commission, which is standard. Recently the company made a change—and now my manager will be getting a small percentage of the commission on everything I sell. It is hard to say this without sounding like a jerk, but I do very well and my manager stands to make a substantial amount from this arrangement.

I guess I wouldn’t mind, except I’ve been doing this for a good twenty years longer than she has. Any time I ask my manager for any help at all, she says she is too busy. She either doesn’t respond to emails or she promises to get back to me with answers and then doesn’t. Almost all my questions are related to the inner workings of our organization, publicity budgets, etc. I do all my own research and stay abreast of the changes in local laws, so I learned early not to depend on anyone for that.

I am furious. I’ve done fine on my own for 25 years. Now this little weasel is going to get some of my hard-earned commission for doing exactly nothing. What the heck? I’m certain this change is designed to make managers engage more with their brokers, but it isn’t working.

I was thinking of talking to my manager’s boss (with whom I have a long-standing relationship) but that seems a little whiny. Or I could start looking at other companies that don’t engage in this practice. What do you think?

Working Harder, Making Less

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Working Harder, Making Less,

This sounds awfully frustrating. If your manager added some value you might be able to come around to this change, but as it stands, the anger you feel is likely to grow.

Senior executives are much more likely to want to help when you have already tried to fix a situation yourself, so I think your first line of defense is to have a candid conversation with your manager. It is human nature that when there is more to do than is possible, we pay attention only to the people who insist on it. Most managers are perfectly happy to leave high performers alone to, well, perform.

This would mean insisting on a time to meet, either on the phone or in person, having prepared your request to create a more effective working relationship moving forward. It sounds as if all you’re really asking for is that she answer your questions or reply to your emails with the information you need. Even if this person weren’t making extra money off you, this would be a low bar.

It is fair to explain that you didn’t mind flying solo before having to pay her for her support, but now that you do, you really need her to help you when you ask. Stick to the facts and keep emotion out of it. Be clear, concise, and neutral. Practice beforehand if you need to.

One of these things is likely to happen:

• You can’t even get a meeting scheduled, or
• She disagrees that your requests are fair, or
• She agrees that your requests are fair, makes promises and becomes more responsive for a short period, and then reverts to her old ways.

Following any of these scenarios, you can then escalate and at the very least get the commission sharing decision reversed. Or start looking at alternatives. Only you will know if this is a trend that is happening among other companies—in which case, maybe you can find another company with a more helpful manager.

Of course the hope is that when you share your thoughts, your manager will see your point and change her ways for good. Ideally, you build a relationship, she takes your calls, answers your emails, and generally acts as if she has your back, which may add enough value that you don’t resent sharing a little money with her. This is best-case scenario.

Real estate is a notoriously difficult business. If you have managed to stay in it, build a reputation, and make a lot of money, you must be good at it. You probably are exceptionally good at building relationships with people and helping them to manage all the emotions that are invariably unleashed when selling or buying a home. This is not nothing. It makes sense for you to protect yourself and not let anyone take advantage of your decades of experience.

If you can’t get what you need to stop your resentment from building, you can escalate. If that doesn’t work, you can take your prowess elsewhere.

I am crossing my fingers that just being a squeaky wheel—albeit a kind and polite one—will get you what you need.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I’m a tech founder and have developed a tool called “burnout tracker,” which is embedded into our 1:1 tool. Without going into too much detail, the tracker is able to predict when a support conversation between manager and employee is needed.

Here’s my challenge: What is common sense to me seems to be a foreign language to many of the managers using our tool; for example, that during a support conversation, the leader listens to the direct report and provides help where they can.

Yes, the phrase “support conversation” is a bit vague. But to me, that’s where the gold is. By simply asking “How can I best support you at the moment?” the leader can get the team member to provide insights into what they need. Unfortunately, this isn’t happening.

I think the managers feel ill-equipped to have support conversations. It feels strange to them—they mistakenly believe they need to play the role of therapist. 

So, if the employee says they are burned out, what should the manager do next? My natural response would be to first ask the employee more questions. Sort their answers into two buckets: (1) things I can help with; and (2) things I can’t. Then help with the things I can, empathize with the things I can’t, and find resources that may be able to assist. 

Is there a framework or model I can share that would help managers feel more confident going into a support conversation?

With gratitude,

Burnout Support

P.S. Thank you for your blog. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I’m a huge fan of your work and am a better leader because of you and your insights.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Burnout Support,

First, thanks for your kind words. They mean the world to me!

Now, to your question. I love the idea of a burnout tracker. If only we humans had a handy gauge on our forearm—like a gas gauge—that could alert us to an empty tank while we still have time to do something about it.

This is a big can of worms, partially because you are right—managers are terrified of conversations about the complexities of being people. It is sad that smart people think they need an advanced degree and a credential to do that. When I taught coaching skills to managers and leaders, I heard the question “Wait, are you telling us we need to be therapists?” a million times.

So the first order of business is to train all of your managers in simply being a human being who can have conversations with other human beings about being a human being. To be fair, this is a big ask in the tech industry, since many who end up working in it would much prefer to not have to interact with humans. Am I biased? Maybe. But this is what being a manager means, so it would be good if managers understand that from the get-go. I know you can’t go back in time, but it’s never too late.

The average manager doesn’t receive manager training until they have been managing for ten years. So you are not alone. Here is a white paper—Core Skills Every Manager Should Master—that outlines the core skills every manager needs as well as the elements that help, or prevent, the building of trust.

Trying to track burnout is also a can of worms because, in my opinion, once symptoms of burnout appear, things are already so far gone that it’s hard to turn them around. It’s best to catch the problem early before it causes real trouble.

Christina Maslach, coauthor of the book The Burnout Challenge: Managing People’s Relationship with Their Jobs, says helping people cope with stressors is a good step. But it is far preferable to address the origin of the stressors that cause burnout in the first place. You might check out how she recommends your managers do that.

Finally, I propose that individuals who are feeling chronically overwhelmed, cynical, and hostile about the organization, and also losing faith in their own effectiveness, are probably not going to be willing to make themselves vulnerable to their manager. The manager can ask questions all day long, but if they are hoping their people will spill the beans about what is really going on, that will only happen if the relationship was properly set up at the beginning.

You have to remember that many employees, no matter where they were raised, internalize the story that work is a contact sport. It is a Darwinian fight to the death out there, and only the strong will survive. The age of managers being the agent of a harsh organization is not that far behind us. People need to have evidence that their managers see them, hear them, and have their backs. Managers need to nip the “Hunger Games” story in the bud by seeking to understand their employees’ strengths, development areas, and dreams. They need to do their utmost to tailor the job to the best of each employee and monitor each person carefully to make sure that the job is actually doable for each person.

So, the question “What do you need?” should be asked at every 1:1 meeting. Having a manager ask questions and identify how they can help is best done weekly. Address the small obstacles and blockers early and often, and escalate the large organizational ones before they get out of hand.

Burnout is just a modern word for the despair experienced by humans who are stuck doing jobs that can’t be done. The condition is universal and ancient. The best way to avoid it is to build support into the manager/employee relationship early, and weave in support every step of the way. That way, when people need it the most, they will be much more likely to avail themselves of it.

Your instincts are right on. It is inspiring to know that at least one tech founder out there cares enough to create a tool and ask the question. Keep going!!!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team in a big company. Here is my problem. I start my day at 7 a.m. with a meeting, and then my entire day is back-to-back meetings. Almost every meeting generates work for me to do or to delegate to someone on my team—which requires another meeting.

When am I supposed to get all my work done? After ten hours of meetings, I feel like that’s when my real workday starts. But by then, I’m fried.

Thoughts?

Meeting-ed Out

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Meeting-ed Out,

This is a perennial problem for almost everyone. Unfortunately, substantially changing anything will probably require a shift in company culture. There has been so much written on this topic. You might think about collecting the facts and presenting them to HR to see if you can garner support for changing the collective habits in your company. If you are suffering, everyone else probably is, too.

But hey, trying to shift culture will result in—more meetings. Just what you don’t want or need. So what could you do short of that?

Some of what is required in your situation is a shift in mindset. Right now you are accepting any and all meetings. You might need to harness your courage and take control of your time. No one can do that for you. Here are some ideas that might work for you:

• Review your meetings and take a hard look at which ones are yours or your team’s. Those are the ones you have the most control over. Challenge yourself to see if any of them can be consolidated, shortened, or moved to bi-weekly.
• At the very least, you and your team could agree to implement “no-meeting Fridays.” We have implemented this in our organization, and it has made all the difference.
• Another thing you can do with your team is to make all meetings 30 minutes. It’s very easy to fill time, but there’s no law that says meetings need to last an hour.
• Patrick Lencioni wrote a great book called Death by Meeting. In it, he says there are four kinds of meetings: Daily check-in meetings, which should last 10 minutes max. Weekly tactical meetings: 45 to 90 minutes, max. Monthly strategic meetings: 2 to 4 hours. Quarterly off-site reviews: 1 to 2 days.

I’m not saying these rules are the only ones to follow, but at least Lencioni provides a framework that can show how some meetings are not necessary or could be better run.

• Look hard at all the meetings you are in. Do you really need to be in all of them? Can you send someone else on your team? If you are delegating, is it possible that the person you are delegating to should be in the meeting instead of you? If so, make sure they send you the bullet points about any decisions made in the meeting or actions to be taken as a result of the meeting. If you’re worried about perception of others, or being judged, share your reasons. You might start a trend.
• Request that any meeting you are invited to have an agenda sent out in advance. If there’s nothing on the agenda that requires your input, decline—and request that you be sent a transcript of the meeting.
• Block off focused work time on your calendar, and don’t accept meetings that are scheduled over that time period. You don’t have to explain to anyone (except your boss or their boss) why you aren’t available. If people really need you in a meeting, they will find a time that works for you. (Note: This may require some re-training of people who have become used to your being available all the time.)
• Finally, challenge yourself to use technology. Zoom now has a feature that can transcribe meetings. Almost all companies have technology you can use to have a quick chat, delegate tasks, etc. Not everything has to be a meeting.

This situation probably crept up on you over time. And it will take some time to unwind it. Be bold, be fierce, and be relentless, so you can get your brain and your life back.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a large publishing company. I started here because my dream is to someday be a published author, so I thought I would at least be in the industry.

I have been here for four years. I started in marketing and am now an editorial assistant, which sounds a lot loftier than it is. I get a lot of coffee, manage schedules, and, very occasionally, read submissions.

Anytime I am asked to do anything remotely editorial, I end up doing it on my own time, because my boss—who is very erratic and disorganized—is constantly throwing tasks my way. I also get tasks from other editors who apparently don’t trust their own EA to do them correctly. My free time is when I work on my novel.

My boss recently asked me if I would be interested in managing all the editorial assistants. It sounds like I would still have my job as her editorial assistant, but would also oversee the nitty-gritty for all the others (there are six of us). Basically, none of the senior editors want to do the paperwork involved with annual reviews, vacation requests, or dealing with poor performance.

My boss is positioning this as a promotion. There would be a bump in pay, which would be welcome since the pay is barely adequate as it is (some EA’s work remote, but I am in NYC and the cost of living is absurd). However, the job would entail a lot of responsibility, which would make it almost impossible for me to do the work I want to be doing. Plus, all these people are my friends, and I would be taking the side of their boss in holding them accountable and giving them feedback.

I already know who the slackers are—the ones who duck work and slide by doing the bare minimum. What I really want is a promotion to full-time editor. I have never wanted to manage people; I can barely manage myself. I want more money, but this feels like I’m making a deal with the devil. Also, if I don’t take it, one of my peers will and then I would potentially report to someone I know way too well and don’t respect.

I am in such a muddle. I don’t want to sell out my dream. Can you help me with this?

Deal with the Devil?

___________________________________________________________

Dear Deal with the Devil,

Yes. I can.

I can tell you that you already know the answer. There is no muddle here. You see the whole landscape very clearly. The editors are trying to delegate work that is at best tedious, at worst emotionally draining.

Trying to manage your peers will be the exact nightmare you anticipate. You will be able to manage the poor shmo who eventually bites this fishhook. Just don’t let your lack of respect show.

If you need time to write, you must fight to protect it. You can live without expensive treats like Starbucks, but you can’t give up on your dream. Not yet, anyway.

There are not that many truths to live by. For example, when something seems too good to be true, it is. When people tell you who they are, listen. The one to apply in your case is when you suspect you are making a deal with the devil, you are.

Write.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I am an obsessive reader, so if you need readers, I promise I will read your novel.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a mid-level manager in a global software company. I have been working here for about ten years and I lead three teams. Right now I am working with my manager on our goals for 2024 and I can already tell that there is no way my teams are going to be able to deliver on all of them.

We have been pushing like crazy all this year with a promise that the pressure would let up at the end of the year. As it is, I have to talk someone off the ledge daily. Now I am looking down the barrel of another year of nonstop work. I feel terrible about this—like I am breaking a promise to my people.

My boss isn’t a jerk. I know she is being pressured from above. She would never say it, but I can sense the unspoken “if you can’t get this done, I will find someone who can.” There has to be some way to manage my people’s and my boss’s expectations more effectively, but I don’t know what it is.

What do you think? I am beginning to think that I can’t live with the kind of anxiety that is building up with no relief in sight. How do I manage this relentless tension?

Pressure Cooker

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Pressure Cooker,

Well, this sounds like situation normal. Almost everyone I speak to is feeling this way. Here are the choices you have to consider:

• Negotiate for more (or more skilled) resources.

Carefully break down each goal into discreet tasks and estimate the time required to complete it. If you can show the math of what it will take to complete all of the required work, and how it will be physically impossible for your existing people to do it, you may be able to get more help. It is hard to argue with math.

You may get countered with “work smarter, not harder.” If you think that might be the case, be prepared to request the kind of training that would help your people to do that. (There might not be any.) With your experience, you probably know how long it should take people to do certain things—and some things just take the time they take. Doing this will also help you pinpoint if you have any team members who cannot get the work done in a reasonable timeframe. You may need to upskill or replace some folks. This can be hard, but honestly, sometimes people are in the wrong job and it isn’t doing them any favors to not address that. You can take a stand as long as you can show that you have really thought it through.

• Negotiate a reduction in distractions.

Of course I don’t know how much of an issue this is, but if your company is like anyone else’s, you and your people are probably asked to join any number of meetings that don’t contribute directly to getting the job done. Look at what those are, and do everything you can to get a few of those items off of the required list.

• Negotiate to reduce the deliverables.

This is the most obvious, and the one your boss is expecting from you. This is probably the least effective option for you at this time. However, I do urge you to check out the boss’s unspoken threat—you might be making it up. This is a classic way for people to needlessly ratchet up their stress levels. You can literally ask your boss what the consequence would be of not being able to deliver on everything.

You absolutely can and should:

• Work with your boss to prioritize.

In the spirit of wanting to under-promise and over-deliver, you can ask your boss to put each required outcome in order of priority. The hard truth is that if everything is a priority, that means nothing is a priority. I suspect your boss knows this as well as you do. So as long as you know your people are focused on the must-haves and will get to the nice-to-haves, that should help you manage your stress level.

• Work with your team to design sprints.

Since no one can go full-out all the time, work with your team leads to design one week of go-hard sprints and then one week of regular work. It isn’t a new idea, but I have seen it work well. You can read more about that here.

In the meantime, I hate to say it, but the intensity in most workplaces seems to be here to stay. You must decide whether you are going to live with it or try to find a more forgiving environment. If you choose to live with it, you have to find ways to take care of yourself and encourage the same for your people. Find one thing you can do to help you manage your stress and commit to it. Meditation, exercise, yoga—whatever has worked for you in the past. You also need to get some perspective. Breathe, do your best, remember that nobody dies in software development and that what gets done is what gets done, and be okay with that. A little perspective can go a long way.

I know it feels like you are breaking a promise, but the fact is that you have limited control over your environment. You can explain that to your people and share what you are doing to advocate for sanity. And at least now you know to be a little more cautious with your promises in the future.

Part of being a leader is choosing one’s attitude and what to focus on. This is your opportunity to do that. Your people will follow your lead.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted and I am drowning. I am still supporting the person who took my former job while trying to get my head around my new job. My new team is huge, and I didn’t know any of them until I stepped into this job. I couldn’t get through my email if I spent ten hours a day trying. And that doesn’t include all of the stuff coming in on Slack.

My new boss has no time for me and clearly expects me to be able to hit the ground running, but I just can’t. I am supposed to get an assistant, but HR wants me to interview people, and I don’t have time. They have offered me a coach to help me—but again, I am supposed to talk to a few and choose one and I don’t have time for that.

My partner tells me I am headed toward burnout. I don’t think that is true. I’m not depressed or apathetic, just in way over my head. How can I get a grip? Any ideas you might have would be appreciated.

Need to Stabilize

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Need to Stabilize,

You have collapsed how you are feeling with reality. You are feeling like there is an emergency when there is no actual emergency. It sounds like you are in such a state of alarm you can’t think straight. And thinking straight is what you need to be able to do right now.

 So the first order of business is to turn off all of the noise and simply hear your own thoughts. Turn off Slack. Close your email. Turn your phone off. If you work in an office, go to another part of the building. A client I worked with once used to go to the stairwell. If you work from home, go to a coffee shop or a park. Step away from your normal environment and go someplace where no one can find you.

Put an out-of-office message on your email that indicates you will be focused elsewhere for the next 48 hours, and if the sender of an email deems it critical, they can resend in a few days.

Now write down everything you need to do—everything from the biggest, most complex things down to the smallest, and then prioritize it all.

Then delegate. Anything that someone else could conceivably do is to be done by someone else. Presumably the folks in HR are good at hiring, so tell them to choose the best candidate to be your assistant. Presumably the people offering you a coach have a pool of highly qualified coaches for you to choose from—and, honestly, any decent coach will be able to help you right now. There is zero research that supports the idea that anyone has an appreciably better coaching experience when they choose their own coach. Have the folks managing the coaching assign you a coach.

Do not spend a single minute doing anything that somebody else can do.

Tell your replacement that you need seven days to focus on your new job, and that they should collect their questions to bring to you then. They can text you if there is a potential train wreck about to happen.

Your boss expects you to hit the ground running? I love that expression because it sounds like something James Bond does when he drops out of a plane. It is not a real thing. But when your boss has no time for you, you can only assume you are on your own and you will have to use your best judgment. Draft an email to your boss outlining what you think is most important and what you plan to focus on for the next thirty days. They may ignore your email. Maybe they will respond with “OK fine, go go go,” or maybe they will suggest some changes. They may suggest (I have seen this before) that everything is a priority, which would be a cop out. If everything is a priority, nothing is a priority, so you will have to use your best judgment. Either way, you will have kept up your end of the implicit bargain by sending the email.

Getting to know your team is a priority. Once your new assistant is in place, have them set up 1×1’s with each of your new direct reports. Have them send you an email before their meeting in which they answer the following questions, (obviously you should edit these to suit you):

• What are the tasks and goals you are working on?
• What direction or support do you need from me on each of those tasks?
• What should you be doing that you are not doing and what is getting in the way?
• What is worrying you?
• What are you pleased about?
• What are your top strengths?
• What is your superpower?
• What do you want me to know about you?
• What do you want to know about me?
• What do you think I should know about your world, and about the team?

As you meet with each person, ask yourself what things are on your list that you might put on their list.  You will probably be able to find a few things. Will they do it the way you would do it? No. Will they do it as well? Probably not. But they might do it better—and either way, it will be done. Done is better than perfect, at least for now. You are never going to be able to do everything yourself, so you might as well start getting things done through others right now.

Finally, remember that you were promoted because someone thought you were competent enough to figure things out. And I suspect that you will be, once your brain is available for use.

So.

Nobody ever tells you that half the battle of senior leadership is choosing what to pay attention to and what to ignore. Stop. Breathe. Turn off the noise. Think. Breathe some more. Focus. Decide what you are going to do first, and what you will do in the next five days. Ignore everything else, for now.

You’ll feel much better.

“But what about the fallout if I make the wrong decisions?” you are asking. That may happen, but, well, then you’ll know, and you will learn from mistakes. I don’t know what your business is, but I am assuming that no bridges will fall down and no babies will die if you just take a step back.

Whatever ideas you have about how someone else would be doing way better in this situation are wrong. There is only you, right now, and it is up to you to take control.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently graduated from college and started my first job. The job I was offered was the one I wanted, but on my first day I was moved to a different department and given a job that does not come close to the description of the job I signed up for. The person who hired me is no longer my manager and my new manager has no idea who I am. I show up at team meetings and my manager calls me “Kid,” which I find demeaning. I am fairly sure he does it because he doesn’t know my name.

This all seems unfair to me. I don’t know anyone well enough to try to figure out what is going on. I recently reviewed my employment contract and there isn’t anything in it about what job I would be doing or whom I would report to, so I don’t think I have any recourse legally. I asked my parents, but they are so relieved I have a job, they just tell me to keep my head down and do what I am told.

It just doesn’t seem right to me, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Shunted Around

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Shunted Around,

It probably isn’t fair, and it sounds pretty chaotic. I am sorry that your first job experience seems to have gotten off to such a rocky start. It must feel very disconcerting. I do have some ideas for you.

I agree with your parents, but not with their reason. The job market is hot right now and you would be able to get a different job if you wanted one. I just think it might serve you to give the situation a chance. Take a minute to step back and figure things out, get to know some people, and see if you will be able to make it work. Jumping ship at the very first sign of a challenge means you will never know what you might have missed. Stay and try to get a clear picture of the organization.

Seek to find answers to the following:

• What are the organization’s values? Do they have any, do they try to live by them, and can you align with them?
• Will you be able to use your strengths and find a career path where you are?
• Can you reach out to your new manager and make yourself known to him?
• Can you find people you like and can relate to?
• Are you interested in what the company does—its products and/or services?

Decide how much time you want to give yourself, and then, if you aren’t satisfied with the answers to the questions you have asked, you can start looking for a job.

The one thing I know for sure is that every organization out there is experiencing an unprecedented volume and speed of change. The one you are in is a perfect example of what I see happening everywhere. Political unrest, climate disasters, economic instability, and turbulent social transformation are all forcing leaders of companies to experiment rapidly to be as successful as possible. There is no blueprint available to help them—so if it feels like they are making stuff up as they go, that’s probably exactly what’s happening.

You are not the only one trying to just hang on for what may be a very bumpy ride.

It is entirely possible that your new manager can’t remember your name. He is no doubt just as discombobulated as you are. Our organization has many new people I am scrambling to keep straight, so I can relate. You can choose to take offense at being called “Kid,” or you can revel in the fact that you are so young that it makes sense for someone to call you that. The one thing you have on your side is time, which is a luxury you won’t appreciate until it’s gone. If your manager assumes your work ethic or your intelligence is lacking because of your age, that is a different story. In my experience, the term “Kid” is usually not ill intended. As you get to know your manager, you can respectfully ask that he not use it. But who knows—by then it might feel like a term of endearment.

Try not to fixate too much on fairness, although it is natural to do so. There is so much unfairness in the world and in large, complex systems. Save your ire for those moments when you are being asked to do unethical things or things you don’t know how to do with no training, or when you are seriously underpaid, or when your workload is unreasonable. The chaos and turbulence you are experiencing right now are unfair to everyone in the organization, so it isn’t personal. You aren’t being singled out.

Breathe. Take a step back. Stay open. Try not to worry so much. Just keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Decide on what criteria about the job matters most to you and whether this position can meet them. Experiment with influencing and steering your ship through stormy waters.

You ultimately may decide you do have to leave, but you will have learned so much.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I report to a CHRO in a large global manufacturing company where I’ve worked for 15 years. About two years ago our company was sold to a group of investors, and they installed a new CEO.

At first the CEO said all the right things about how important the people are—but over time it has become clear that his mandate is to squeeze as much short-term profit out of the company as he can.

He has demanded the kind of cutbacks, especially in HR, that make it impossible for us to do our jobs without working absolutely all the time. He keeps telling us to do more with less, leverage technology, blah blah—the usual. We went from having beautifully designed and delivered onboarding, management training, and leadership development programs to essentially doing the bare minimum for compliance, compensation, and benefits.

It is so demoralizing. Most of the work I am now doing are things I am not well trained for and don’t care about. Our department has made countless presentations explaining the need to bring back development with well researched return on investment. He basically laughs at us and openly insults our work.

My dream was to retire from this job. I am 56 years old and never anticipated I would be looking for a new job at this point in my career. I have watched our CHRO get beaten down to the point where she is just going along to get along. I just keep thinking reason will win the day, and that I have to keep fighting. What else can I do? How do I know when it is time for …

Giving Up?

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Giving Up,

It can be so hard to let go of a dream and face the truth. It sounds like your heart and soul were in the job—so, essentially, you were hooked in a good way. But now you are hooked in a bad way.

You have let the hooks get yanked on long enough. It is time to take those hooks out and walk away. I don’t think anyone would accuse you of folding at the first sign of sign of opposition. And it really wouldn’t be giving up—there is a fine line between falling apart when things get tough and facing reality.

All terrible situations—ones in which you find yourself tolerating the intolerable—come down to three choices:

1. Do nothing.
2. Do something.
3. Leave the situation.

Let’s break this down.

1. You can, as your CHRO has done, do nothing—or as little as possible, anyway. Stay where you are and do what is required as well as you can in a reasonable work week and don’t try to do everything. Wait it out until you are fired for not doing three jobs or until it is time to retire, whichever comes first. This is what is commonly referred to as “quit and stay” and people do it all the time. For me it would be a recipe for a drinking problem, but it clearly works for some.
2. You could keep fighting until your CEO is so annoyed with you that you get fired. You could also escalate your observations about the long-term cost of the lack of training and development to the organization. Of course, the board or the owners may be well aware of what is going on and may have plans to use the profit record of the last few years to re-sell the company at a much higher valuation. You will have to feel that one out.
3. Save yourself, save your sanity, save your health, and get out as fast as you can. My vote is for this one. There is so much movement out there right now, so much re-shuffling, so much hiring. Get your resume shined up, get out on your social media platforms, and work your network. Go find yourself a grand new challenge to be the capstone of what has been a great career (until recently).

I am truly, deeply sorry that this has happened to your company and to you. No one asks for these kinds of professional hijacks, government takeovers, or pandemics and wars for that matter. But they happen and all you can control is how you respond. There will be no medals for dying on this hill.

The choice is yours. I am rooting for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP of sales for a US-based fitness and weight loss website that is in hypergrowth. I started with the company about eight years ago and rose through the ranks, figuring things out as I went.

About 18 months ago, my regional counterpart (I was East, he was West) quit suddenly when someone else was promoted to chief sales officer over him. The amount of regional VPs I managed suddenly doubled and I had a new boss. She came from sales operations, has never sold so much as a Girl Scout cookie, and depends on me for everything.

Since she started, my work has been nothing but a slog. In 2021, I got no recognition or appreciation from my new boss when—despite the doubling of my workload and the crazy COVID disruption—we crushed our sales quotas for 2020. This past year, in addition to my ten regular direct reports, I covered for someone who went out on a six-month medical leave. When I asked for a promotion to senior executive VP, my boss couldn’t understand why that mattered to me and denied me the title change. Then just a couple of weeks ago, without any discussion or explanation, she changed my comp plan. I did the math and discovered I essentially got a pay cut.

It seems like the harder I try and the better I do, the less I am making and the less they care about me. I have tried several times to share with my boss what motivates me (title, money), but she doesn’t listen and doesn’t care. I have received no feedback at all on what I might be doing wrong, so it isn’t a performance issue.

I don’t want to leave my people high and dry, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. How do I make the decision to stay or go? I get calls from headhunters all day long, the industry I am in is exploding, and I have an amazing track record. All my friends think I am nuts for staying. What do you think?

Stay or Go?

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stay or Go?

This sounds really hard. It is hard to imagine what your boss is thinking. Why, if you are doing so well, would she be lowering your comp and denying you something (a title) that costs her nothing when it is so clearly important to you?

I guess my question is: What is keeping you where you are? You don’t want to leave your people high and dry—that’s it? You don’t mention how much you love the company, or the product/service you are selling and the difference it makes in the world. That tells me you will probably be much happier in an environment where your boss appreciates your skills, cares about what matters to you, and has the professionalism to manage conversations like a change in comp properly. I mean, seriously, a change in compensation for a sales professional requires delicacy, tact, and lots of negotiation. I am not in sales, but I know something like that shouldn’t just be an announcement.

Is it possible that because you started in the company early and rose up, you feel a strong sense of ownership that is keeping you stuck somewhere you aren’t appreciated?

What if you were to give yourself one last quarter to do your utmost to prepare your team to be as successful as possible without you, then respond to those headhunters and find a company that will recognize your value and treat you better?

I think when everything becomes an uphill battle, your boss sends messages that you don’t matter, and you are asking yourself every day how much longer you can hold on, those are clues that it might be time to go.

Did I miss something? Only you will know.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

A few weeks ago, my colleague Doug Glener wrote a blog regarding the results from our company’s recent survey that involved more than 800 L&D executives, managers, and specialists. We asked them about the biggest challenges they face in designing training for hybrid workers in 2022. We were able to break down their answers into three main themes:

• People are overloaded, tired, and “too busy to learn.”
• It’s getting more difficult to maintain interpersonal connections.
• Virtual/digital designs need to be more effective and engaging.

We know learning and development professionals everywhere have been working hard to address each of these challenges. Thousands of other folks continue the struggle of trying to help their organization recover in different ways from the damage caused by the pandemic. It can be tough to keep a positive attitude.

I was fortunate to work with the late, great Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, author of the mega-bestselling book The Power of Positive Thinking, when he was my coauthor on The Power of Ethical Management. In the book, we introduced five core principles of power that can be easily applied by anyone struggling to cope with today’s world.

Review Your Purpose

The best way to keep yourself on track when facing a problem or challenge is to review your purpose. A person’s life purpose is not the same as a goal—goals have a beginning and an end. Your purpose is ongoing. It keeps you motivated because it’s the life ideal you strive for—your “why.” As an example, my personal life purpose is: “To be a loving teacher and example of simple truths who helps and motivates myself and others to awaken to the presence of God in our lives, so we realize we are here to serve rather than to be served.”

An organization’s purpose is its vision, which is communicated from executive leadership. As I often say, leadership is about going somewhere. Organizations that have a clear and compelling vision know where they are going and how to get there. And people who know their life’s purpose have a reason for staying the course when things get tough. 

(By the way, if you don’t have a life purpose and want to create one, check out my blog post Writing Your Personal Life Purpose.)

Take Pride in Your Accomplishments

My definition of pride isn’t about having a big ego. It’s about believing in yourself and your abilities. It’s the sense of satisfaction you get from a job well done. It’s also the healthy self-esteem you feel when you aim high but are still aware that things may not always go the way you expect. When you believe in yourself, you have the strength to get up and get going again after you fall. And you can help your colleagues develop better feelings about themselves by catching them doing things right and praising their progress.

Cultivate Patience

Since the onset of the pandemic, I’m pretty sure we all know what patience feels like! It’s important to develop the capacity to accept, or at least tolerate, negative and unforeseen aspects of life and work. It’s about trusting that your values and beliefs will prevail in the long term—and that when you give your best effort and do the right thing, even if things are difficult right now, your struggles will pay off in the long run.

Be Persistent

Patience and persistence go hand in hand. Patience can help you get through difficult times, but persistence is essential if you want to keep moving forward toward goal accomplishment. Persistence also keeps you focused on your purpose no matter what is happening around you. It’s about having faith in yourself, honoring commitments, staying the course, keeping your eye on the finish line, and knowing things will get better.

Gaining Some Perspective

Perspective is the most significant of the five principles. It’s the ability to see what is truly important in any given situation. When you lack perspective, you can start feeling and believing that your problems are far more serious than they really are. On the other hand, people who have a good perspective on life can maintain a healthy balance about what is important and what is not.

Gaining perspective can be as simple as taking time every day to assess and reflect on what’s going on in your life and work. You can do it when you first get up, just before going to sleep, or any other time that works for you. Some people pray, others meditate, some write in a journal, some read inspirational quotes. Others practice yoga, listen to classical music, or go for a walk. You can even do a combination of several of these things. There’s no one best way—whatever works for you to quiet your mind and bring you into a reflective state.

I would never attempt to downplay the challenges everyone is facing these days. All I can offer is hope and a few strategies to help you maintain a positive outlook as we all move forward together through this strange time in our lives. So give yourself the gift of reviewing your purpose, taking pride in your accomplishments, cultivating patience, being persistent, and gaining some perspective. It can’t hurt—and I hope it helps!

Dear Madeleine,

I run a small not for profit.  We are past the startup phase and we were hitting a stride, but then we had some big setbacks before our big summer season and all my people are melting down. I spend my day moving from crisis to crisis (in between talking people off the ledge).

I have been super busy getting us more help, but the new people need to get up to speed and it takes time.  I find myself snapping at colleagues and family members, and some days I just feel like walking away. 

I keep thinking, “I just have to get through this week,” but then the hard weeks just keep on coming.

How do other leaders do it?  There must be a way to manage this much stress. 

Burnt to a Crisp

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Burnt to a Crisp,

When my daughter was in high school, she was talking with one her teachers about “getting through” a difficult patch and her teacher said, “Don’t wish your life away.” That really stayed with both of us. We still bring it up and remind ourselves when one of us is in the state you are describing. 

There always seems to be a fantasy that it’s going to get better—conditions will lighten up, things will go more smoothly, and problems will become easier to solve. 

But life just doesn’t work that way.  Okay, to be fair, I do know some people who have retired and do, as they like to quote, “whatever they want, whenever they want, all the time.”  But it isn’t going to help you to just try to hold your breath until you retire.  Anyone who is focused on achieving a goal—and yours sounds like a big one—is going to find themselves up against it on a regular basis.  It goes with the territory. And don’t think I am going to advise you about work/life balance. Forget about work/life balance. There is no such thing. That’s just another weapon for overachievers to beat themselves up with. 

What you need is your own Personal Sustainability Program. To build your own personal program, you can choose from some of these options, and any others that our readers might share in the comments.

• Cry Uncle: When there is simply too much to do—on your own list or one of your people’s—decide what isn’t as urgent as all the other stuff.  What can wait until tomorrow or next week? Defer tasks that can be deferred, even it inconveniences or disappoints someone.  Make sure to communicate if a commitment is being broken, to manage expectations.  People—all people, including you—can only do so much and no more. 
• Get Support: Talk to your family and ask for grace when you are snappy.  Ask for more help from them if they can give it.  Hire a coach, call a board member, and hit up your best friends so you can vent and problem solve in a safe space. 
• Take Care of Yourself First: Find the one thing that you know will keep you on an even keel and do it come hell or high water.  Your dance class, yoga, meditation, walking, listening to music, playing golf, whatever it is that will keep your head from blowing off.  Experiment with how much of it you need to stay stable—maybe it is two times a week, maybe it is seven times.  Whatever it is, make it non-negotiable.  I learned early on that hardcore exercise was my antidote to anxiety and I never don’t do it.  When my son was about three, he would stand at the window with tears streaming down his face every time I left the house to go my exercise class.  I felt like a terrible mother but also knew I would actually be a terrible mother without the class.  So off I went.  He is 29 today and doesn’t appear to have sustained too much psychological damage.  One of the industry’s finest coaches, Shirley Anderson—who was my coach for four critical years when I was getting my first coaching business off the ground—coined the term “extreme self-care.”  It is extreme not because it takes so much time or involves anything crazy, but because just the concept of taking care of oneself so one can take proper care of others can feel so extremely counterintuitive.
• Practice Mindfulness: Stress is a habit.  Treating everything like a crisis becomes habitual.  Cut it out.  Practicing mindfulness can help. It isn’t that complicated. It just means being curious and paying attention to our own thoughts and emotions without judgment.  For example, when you are feeling spun up, you might notice it and think, Hmm, isn’t that interesting, I am getting more and more anxious. I wonder what is going on.  Noticing when you are reacting to something in a way that doesn’t really make sense is a good first step toward mindfulness. 
• Breathe: There is amazing new research that shows that just taking deep breaths may feel good, but it doesn’t actually calm the nervous system down.  There is a very straightforward, simple way to do that with breathing, though.  It is called Two to One Breathing. You simply breathe in for three counts, hold for one count, and release the breath on a six count.  Repeat.  Or you can do two and four counts—whatever works for you.  I have been experimenting with it, and it really works!  One client mentioned that one of her regular meetings starts with that kind of breathing. Everyone feels better, and the meetings are more productive as a result. You might try doing it with your people when they are stressing out.
• Get Perspective: When all else fails, you can remind yourself that this too shall pass, things will calm down, people will stabilize, and no one will die today because you didn’t get to everything on your list. 

I am pretty sure I am not telling you anything you don’t already know, but, as with many things, there can be a big gap between knowing and doing. A wonderful coaching question to ask yourself might be: whose permission do you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself?  I hope the question makes you smile, because you know who the boss is, and whose permission you need.

So, give yourself permission to be a human being and choose one thing—just one—to commit to, and do it.  I guarantee that you will notice a big difference in your ability to manage the stress, the crisis, and the constant busyness. 

Breathe. Three counts in, hold one, six counts out. 

You’ve got this.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have an employee who hates me. I have been supervising and managing people for 25 years and this has never happened to me before. I’ve been to training classes, attended webinars, read books on managing, and worked hard to hone my leadership skills over the years.

I am generally a likeable person, so I am flummoxed. He was warm and friendly during the job interview. He had the right experience and skills and he started off fine. However, after the three-month probationary period passed, he had a total personality change.

I’ve been told by others that he complains about what a slave driver I am. He sits silently through our regular meetings without contributing. And it’s not just me—he doesn’t seem to like anyone else either. He does his job but is so unpleasant that his peers avoid him.

I know you will say I need to talk to him, but he canceled his last few one-on-one meetings. I’m going to be traveling a lot over the next few months, so I can’t really catch him in person.

With all the craziness going on in the news these days, this whole situation is getting under my skin.

Hate Being Hated
_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hate Being Hated,

I was going to give you some quick and friendly advice until you mentioned workplace violence in the news. That made things very serious, very fast. I think it is a clue to something you may not have told yourself in so many words, which is that you are afraid of this employee.

You must go to HR and talk about this situation right this minute and create a plan for the possibility that you might have to let this person go. I think it is critical here to honor your Spidey sense—you don’t want to overreact, but you do want to take proper precautions in case the day comes that you actually need them.

I asked a group women in my master mind group once what their biggest regrets around work were. To a person, each of them said they regretted not honoring a strong intuition they had because they didn’t want to offend someone. You really don’t want that to happen to you.

And yeah, you need to talk to him. You can catch him in person if you really make the effort. Make it clear that you are setting up a meeting that isn’t optional for him, and go straight at it. Tell him that you have noticed him acting extremely unhappy, that you have heard through the grapevine he feels his workload is too heavy, and that you are very worried.

Ask him what is going on—and then just stop talking. If he refuses to be candid with you and says something like, “Nothing’s wrong; everything’s fine; I don’t know what you’re talking about,” be clear that this is the moment for him to give you the feedback you need to work with him and help him get to a better place. Make sure he understands that you have his best interests at heart and want him to succeed.

If he continues to stonewall, ask him to behave the way he did during his first three months on the job—warm and friendly, eye contact, contributing in meetings, etc. He will either agree to try, or he will refuse. That will give you the information you need to move forward. It is completely fair to have a standard where people working for you are minimally civil, polite, and not overly stressful to work with. If he can’t maintain that standard, he will need to accept help from HR, work with a professional through your EAP, or he will have to go.

Schedule the conversation as soon as you can. Change a trip if you have to. The health of your entire team is at stake here—and if they haven’t already, they will judge you for not dealing with the situation.

This clearly feels personal to you and your emotional response to it is clouding your judgment. Try to remember this isn’t about you. This is about him, your team, and your business—and you must deal with it head on. If there is danger here, letting more time pass will only exacerbate things.

Don’t duck this. Act now. Be brave.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a professional services firm and we have an open-space concept. Almost everyone is on the phone all day or reading complicated documents.

We have one assistant who supports a whole bunch of the senior people, and she sits right near me. She is an idiot, and loud to boot. Every day she has a new theme, and she works that theme all day – Rainy Days and Mondays, happy hump day, hot enough for ya? Every person who walks by her desk, every single phone call. Clichés on repeat all day long.

I am at the end of my rope, it has gotten under my skin to the point that I can’t even trust myself not to say something rude or even mean to her. She is a scourge to everyone in the office. I have talked about it with my boss, who incidentally has an office with a door. But what would anyone say to her? I use noise cancelling headphones with loud music as much as a I can but when I am on long conference calls, that doesn’t work.

I dream of blessed silence and being able to just sit and do my work without fantasizing about slapping her. Help.

Annoyed

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Dear Annoyed,

Get over it. The only thing you can do right now is change your attitude about this. Play a game with yourself about what the cliché will be today. Count how many times she says it and start a betting pool. Remind yourself that all the annoying things she does are simply mechanisms to get herself through the day and she is probably dealing with stresses you don’t know about. Take the woman to lunch, get to know the woman and find something that will make you love her.

Re-frame this situation and take a deep breath and decide to let it roll off your back and smile and be kind.

Absolutely do get creative and try to find a quiet place to do focused work if you can. I worked with one manager who used to take his laptop into the emergency stairwell when he needed some quiet time.

This woman has been sent by the universe to test you. You are failing the test. I have failed this test, I kid you not, I left a yoga class I loved once because of the ridiculous breathing shenanigans of the woman on the mat next to me. Who was the one with the problem? She had a great class, so, it wasn’t her.

Let it go. Focus on what is important and you will be surprised by how the sound fades into the background.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Cloud shares the importance of recognizing the impact that others have on your success. He explains how every significant act in your life always includes someone else.  How are you being influenced by others—and how are you influencing the key people in your life?

Cloud also shares a unique “four corner” model that helps you identify relationships that are toxic and lead to feelings of disconnectedness, inferiority, or feeling fake.  He describes how to move beyond these three negative corners and lead yourself and others into honest, authentic relationships where people thrive.

Cloud discusses strategies for moving beyond a good/bad mindset by creating a language and using a process that leads to real conversations that help people move forward. Whether it’s in a one-on-one conversation, or in a team setting, you’ll learn strategies to improve trust, feedback, and performance.

And don’t miss the final minutes of the podcast when Ken Blanchard joins in at the end of the interview to share his thoughts and key takeaways!

Listen to the podcast here:

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior project manager in a service organization. I manage client-facing work as well as hundreds of independent contractors. 

I recently got behind on my list—the endless small tasks that add up to outstanding service—and I shelved a few items to take care of when I came back from a week’s vacation. 

Big mistake. 

I returned to a debacle with one of our significant internal clients and her handful of potential clients.  A whole incident had been escalated to the colleague who was covering for me, then to my boss.  

My boss was pretty nice about it but I can tell I have lost her trust.   I was disappointed in myself—but more than anything I was really embarrassed.  I don’t know what I was thinking. I misread the time frame and the requirements and thought the matter could wait. 

Here is the bigger problem: I now have constant anxiety that I might be dropping a ball. I feel like I can never take a vacation again.  I have gotten myself into a trap of working all hours and checking email and texts constantly out of fear that I might miss something. My husband and kids are really getting annoyed with me.  I feel the stress ratcheting up—like I am losing control of my life. Help!

Losing Control

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Dear Losing Control,

I am sorry. I so know the feeling. And so does every other member of PA—“Perfectionists Anonymous.”   You really do need to be a perfectionist to be a project manager; it is an impossible job that never ends.  You are apparently very good at, and you are now experiencing the dark side of being naturally detail oriented and what I call a control enthusiast.

The bad news is that you are destined to burn out dramatically if you don’t take some significant steps to get yourself back on an even keel.   Constant anxiety will take a toll on your health and ultimately will cloud your thinking and make you less effective at your job.

First stop: your boss.  Have the hard conversation that starts with your feeling of losing her trust.  You actually might be making that up.  If you aren’t making it up and you do need to rebuild trust, you need to set clear milestones that the two of you can track.  Make it concrete—get the “feeling” out of it.  I think it is also important for you to discuss your stress level with your boss.  As you get yourself to a better place, you may need help managing your workload—and you will need your boss’s support to do that.

Which brings me to the next step:  tell yourself the truth about how much work you can do.  Then draw a boundary and do not say yes to more than you can reasonably take on.  You may worry that this could put your job in jeopardy, but honestly—most bosses will just keep loading it on until the employee cries Uncle. And, ultimately, if you find that more is expected of you than you can give, it’s time to find another job. You can’t live your life as a total nervous wreck.  Life is too short—and too long—for that.

Everything is easier with stress management techniques.  There are many methods. Explore them and find one thing you can do to ratchet down the stress.  A short walk at lunch time, ten deep breaths three times a day, prayer, a gratitude practice, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, homeopathic remedies.  None of this has to take a lot of time, but you have to find something and practice it religiously.  This is not optional.

Finally, stop trying to go this alone. Here is a new mantra for you: GET HELP.  Ask a colleague to help out when you are overwhelmed with to-do’s. Ask your boss for help. Use your Employee Assistance Program and go get 6 therapy sessions. Talk things over with your spouse, sibling, parent, or best friends.  Don’t hide your situation from anyone who cares about you. I guarantee the right kind of help will come your way.

Now take a deep breath.  You are going to be okay—but you do need to put your sanity first.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I was recently asked at a gathering of friends how I remained so positive. Did I have a secret daily ritual of beating up a punching bag? Did I release my stress by screaming at a stuffed animal? I said no, but I sometimes rely on my hobbies of movies and video games every once in a while when I want to let off some steam.

One friend gave a scenario where she was attending a training class. Someone at her table was behaving maliciously, criticizing others’ comments at the table and behaving as if the training was a waste of time. My friend angrily said she wanted to confront and attack this individual. But instead of reacting, the trainer leading the class encouraged this individual’s participation and even complimented this person’s correct answers. My friend was astonished at how patient the trainer was. And she said she saw that same patience in me.

I imagined what was running through the trainer’s mind in that situation. I mentioned that if I were in the trainer’s shoes, I’d be focused on creating a positive learning experience for the whole class. And that’s how I’d stay positive and patient. I said it’s all about perspective: Not focusing on the individual and the frustration that person is causing, but instead on the bigger picture; the task at hand; the goal.

In Covey’s 7 Habits, he mentions a paradigm shift he experienced on the subway when several children were being extremely disruptive. Out of irritation, he approached the father and asked him to control his children more. But then the father said that they were coming from the hospital where their mother had passed away and that they perhaps didn’t know how to cope with the loss. Covey instantly felt compassion and empathy instead of irritation.

In the same way, if you encounter a frustrating situation and find yourself becoming angry, it’s crucial to shift your perspective and focus. Difficult as it might be, think outside the box and try to imagine some of the hardships that are causing this person to behave this way.

Watch the following excellent video, “How to Remain Calm With People,” for more on this topic. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du035tg-SwY

• We are capable of so much more – There’s a great feeling when you are in control. You know what you are putting into your body and, through mental and physical exertion, what your body is capable of.
• Don’t do ‘low fat’ – We are sold a lot of ‘food myths’ by retailers and manufacturers – ‘low fat’ regularly means high sugar and salt which retain body fat and make us feel bloated and sluggish.
• Treat yourself to nature – A ‘treat’ should not be something sugary, a ‘treat’ should be a nourishing meal of natural foods that leave you feeling great and with the energy to be productive. Think about how eating that packet of crisps at 3pm really makes you feel.
• Take a break – So many of us eat while working. It actually aids digestion and makes us more productive to take a break.
• Brain Fuel – Water and exercise feed the brain. Staying hydrated helps our attention span (and it reduces ageing signs like wrinkles!!), as does stepping outside for fresh air and a little bit of sunshine (increasing our vitamin D levels).

Livestrong’s article ‘How Does Exercise Improve Work Productivity’ explains why exercise is so crucial for work performance,
‘When you exercise, you are also increasing blood flow to the brain, which can help sharpen your awareness and make you more ready to tackle your next big project. Exercise can also give you more energy. Having more energy means you will feel more awake at work. Being on top of your game will assure that you perform your work correctly and to the best of your ability.’

Being healthy not only gives you a longer life to enjoy, but also improves brain function and makes us better at our jobs.
Give Your Routine a Healthy Overhaul

• Prepare for your week in advance – I see so many of my colleagues buying pre-made lunches and breakfasts. There is a rainbow of vegetables and fruit out there that come without labels and the term ‘low fat’. A carrot does not need to say low in salt/sugar! I lead a busy life, but make the time for shopping for fresh produce and planning meals in advance. Believe me, you will feel the benefit.
• Make time for food – I find it hard to eat away from my desk, but I do try to focus more on when and what I am eating; the taste, the smell and how the food makes me feel. So many of us suffer with poor digestion, make the time to chew food and give your stomach a chance to digest. Cooking can also be a family affair, get your spouse and children involved and make meal preparation fun.
• Get some fresh air and/or move – I always feel more alive and productive after a run. This isn’t for everyone, but it’s important that we all ‘move’ for good health and wellbeing. Studies have shown that exercise can improve mental health, so pick a gym class you enjoy, a walk outside with friends or any activity that makes you feel alive. The key thing is to enjoy the movement and reap its rewards.
• Ditch the labels – Try buying from the first couple of aisle of the supermarket. I see so many people with trolleys full of branded products, with barcodes and terms like ‘fat free’ or ‘low sugar’. See if you can make a meal with no barcodes, as the nutritionist Amelia Freer says don’t buy products with ‘tricks and promises to seduce you’.

Commit To Sustaining The Change
The key thing is to sustain whatever change you make.
To be a ‘healthier and happier you’ may take only one of these changes, keep these small and manageable.
A working mum or dad? Why prepare not commit to preparing your meals on a Sunday. Always rushing between meetings? Make a lunch that can be easily eaten and is easily digestible.
The most important thing is to look after yourself, no-one is going to do it for you and you will not believe the difference to your work day and home life if you just pay a little more attention to your own health and happiness.
Here’s some links for inspiration:
Madeleine Shaw’s top tips for fighting fatigue
Deliciously Ella’s advice for anyone who feels they can’t cook
Calgary Avansino’s blog – sharing a whole host of wellbeing guru’s secrets
I wish you all the best for 2016!