Another thoughtful response to an important, not uncommon problem, particularly for women. My feeling is that you’re on the right track pointing out that deep-seated psychological needs and drivers are usually at the bottom of an inability to say no. But here I’d add that not having been able to observe, learn and absorb from a good exemplar in childhood and adolescence is also an issue. Such an exemplar would be someone who was able to say no in an assertive, respectful way that valued his/her own needs whilst not invalidating the needs of others. And possibly someone who helped the child/adolescent think through these matters for themselves whilst learning from doing. The ability to say no can depend on a deep-seated recognition of the value of all (oneself included!), as well as the fact that in order to give one has to take care of oneself first of all. I hope ‘worn out’ takes your advice to really get to grips with what’s at bottom of this. Kind people are precious, and they need to be encouraged to be as kind to themselves as they are to others…

Alison