Dear Madeleine,

I work on a great team. We do good work together, and we seem to always find a way to hit our milestones and deadlines. My problem is that our team lead seems to be inappropriately dependent on me.

He is pretty much AWOL most of the time and I am the only person on the team that he has regular contact with. He asked me to create a report to send him every week outlining where the team is with key projects. He sends me to almost all cross-functional meetings in his place, and I report back with updates on the agenda items, what decisions were made, etc.

Whenever anyone on the team has a problem, they hit me up on Slack and I am generally able to help them out. When I do feel the need to escalate, I send an email to the team lead and hope for a response, though I rarely get one. I usually end up using my best judgment and sending him an email telling him what I decided.

It took me a couple of months to notice just how out of contact he is with the rest of the team. I went for drinks with a couple of team members the other night and the topic came up.

It is now obvious to me that everyone on the team sees me as their leader and that nobody really knows what happened to our lead. We all feel like he just kind of fell off the planet. I am just not sure what to make of this.

I don’t really mind. I enjoy being helpful and I am able to get all of my work done, so the extra time isn’t a problem. But I worry that I am letting myself be taken advantage of. I also worry about what is going to happen when it comes to performance reviews, which are coming up soon. I know who on the team puts the time and effort in and who does the bare minimum, but I don’t feel like it is my job to be calling that out.

I am afraid my lead is going to ask me to handle the performance reviews and I need to be prepared. I think if I am going to do my boss’s job, I need to be paid more and be given the title. Ultimately, it seems unfair to me and to the team.

I have thought about bringing this up with him, but our infrequent 1×1’s are always rushed and packed with so many urgent things, there is never enough time.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

Missing Team Lead

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Dear Missing Team Lead,

I’m sorry—this situation sounds frustrating and upsetting. As someone with a high personal need for clarity, this would drive me insane. You don’t mention when it started or if something changed. Whatever happened to cause your manager to go missing in action, he should have asked you to take a larger role. He should have reached some clear agreements with you about how you would step up and negotiated how the added responsibility might be appropriately acknowledged and rewarded. It is really just that simple. You have definitely been put in an unfair position, and so far you have been a good sport about it. The question is what to do about it.

The choices available to you as always, variations on the classic:

1. Do nothing.
2. Do something.
3. Remove yourself from the situation.

As you think this through, your first step is to decide for yourself just how much ambiguity you can live with for how long, and identify what you really want. If you simply seek clarity, that might be easier to achieve than you expect. Or perhaps you simply want acknowledgement. If what you really want is a promotion, or even a bump in pay, that might be a little trickier. But if you don’t ask, the answer is always no, so getting more comfortable with asking for what you need will serve you well.

You really can do nothing and prepare to stay mum about anyone on the team. At some point your manager will either reappear, resign, or be fired—at which time hopefully you will be promoted to the role you have been doing.

The most obvious “do something” is to have the hard conversation with your AWOL boss. A model you might use to prepare, that has been extremely helpful to many of my clients, is Conversational Capacity. The author, Craig Weber, proposes that we all need to practice a mix of curiosity and candor. You might practice curiosity by asking your manager what is going on with him that is causing him to be so detached from work. You could practice candor by stating your position and how you arrived at it. You can read more about this here. Be clear about what you are experiencing, and express your concerns without blame or judgment. I recommend you practice with a friend to get both the words and the neutral tone right.

Another option would be to speak to your boss’s boss about it—but that depends entirely on your company’s culture. Only you can know if that approach would yield the result you want. If you have a good relationship with your boss’s boss, it could work. Again, avoid blame and judgment.

Removing yourself from the situation would mean trying to find another job, which would probably be overkill. But you could just stop stepping up and see what happens.

Once you decide what you really want and what you are willing to do (and risk) to get it, the choice will reveal itself. You sound level-headed and competent. I suspect you will find your way.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have owned a boutique specialty consulting firm for over twenty-five years. My founding partner died a few years ago and left me her share of the business, so I am the sole owner.

I am working with a broker to find the right buyer for the business. I don’t expect to get much for it, but we do have a small, dedicated clientele, a stellar reputation, and very little competition, so it should set me up with a reasonable retirement.

My problem is that I am being heavily pressured by an employee to include her in the proceeds of the sale. She started as our receptionist/administrative assistant and worked her way to being our office manager. She keeps dropping hints that she expects a share.

Over the years, she often asked to become a partner in the business but could not contribute investment funds—and, honestly, never brought enough value for us to seriously consider it. In fact, she has not been that great an employee. She has often taken leave for health reasons she declined to disclose and never presented doctor’s notes. She has had multiple dramas—a spouse with a serious gambling problem and wayward children who seem to need endless bailing out of one problem or another. She seems to be cursed with terrible cars that break down even when brand new. There is always an excuse for lateness, and poor task completion.

We provided her with many opportunities over the years to take on more responsibility (marketing or accounting duties, for example), but she always dodged them, claiming to be overwhelmed with her existing workload. Our attempts to gain clarity on said workload were met with stonewalling or diversions.

My partner and I often talked about letting her go and finding someone more reliable who might one day be a likely partner, but we always felt a little sorry for her. To complicate matters further, I really like her as a person—she is funny and fun and has a big heart.

I am simply not inclined to turn over a big chunk of cash when the business is sold, and I don’t know how to tell her. I am afraid she will quit and badmouth me all over town or even sabotage me in some way. I have asked a lot of smart people for their take but am on the fence about this. What are your thoughts?

Over a Barrel

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Dear Over a Barrel,

Here is a principle I learned from our family business consultant, the Wharton Professor John Eldred: All relationships with employees start out as contractual and over time inevitably become emotional—especially for people who are relationship-oriented, which you undoubtedly are. I have had about twenty years to observe this principle play out in our own company and with many friends who have founded small businesses and many clients who work in even the largest of organizations. So, please forgive me in advance for what is going to sound cynical.

Your office manager (OM), who is clearly appealing enough to have made you override your rational assessment of countless breaches of trust, is manipulating you. She may or may not be aware of it, and ultimately it doesn’t really matter. There is a strong bond between the two of you, and you may even love her when it comes down to it. You know that she almost certainly needs the money. It is these feelings that are clouding your reason.

But here is the thing, Over a Barrel—unless your OM does something that adds an extraordinary amount of value in the last chapter of your consultancy (for example, she brings in the right buyer or prepares a compelling presentation deck that you couldn’t have done yourself), it doesn’t sound like you owe her anything other than a fair severance package. It doesn’t even sound like you could in good conscience provide her with a glowing recommendation, though I suspect you would if a potential employer were to call you.

The hinting is not acceptable, and you do not have to take the bait. Just smile when she does it—but don’t nod your head. She is poking you to find out what she can expect when you do sell, and the only thing you are responsible for is making sure she knows she will no longer have a job once you have sold. If you figure out how you want to handle severance pay, you can certainly share what she can expect. If you tell the truth about what you have already decided and properly manage her expectations, you are behaving ethically. Once the deal is done, you are certainly at liberty to give her whatever feels right to you.

If you spill the truth in advance, whatever bad behavior you anticipate will probably happen regardless of what you choose to do. From the sound of things, OM blames everyone but herself for anything in her life that goes awry. Whatever you do choose to give her won’t be enough. But again, anyone who knows the two of you will pay no heed to any bad-mouthing she does—because based on what you have said, I guarantee she has no credibility.

In The Power of Ethical Management, the book Ken Blanchard wrote with Norman Vincent Peale, they outline what they call “the ethics check.” It consists of three questions you can ask yourself to make sure you can live with your decision:

1. Is it legal?
2. Is it fair?
3. How will it make you feel about yourself?

In your case, employment laws where your business is based will dictate what is owed to employees when you sell or close your business. Then, based on your OM’s contribution to your success, what feels fair to you? And finally, how will you feel if you give in to the manipulation—resentful, perhaps? Or if you go scorched earth and share none of the bounty—guilty, perhaps? If people around town hear how you behaved, will you be able to hold your head high?

I wonder what the smart people you consulted advised. Presumably they have more insight into the situation, and I can only assume that they all think OM has been taking advantage of your good nature from the get-go.

Good luck with finding a buyer, and when the time comes, happy retirement!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a giant real estate company and have been selling houses in a big metropolitan city for a long time. Over the years, I’ve been heavily recruited and this is my third company. I never wanted to be in management as I really like working with clients. I’ve had terrible managers, decent managers, and everything in between.

My company has always received a percentage of the commission, which is standard. Recently the company made a change—and now my manager will be getting a small percentage of the commission on everything I sell. It is hard to say this without sounding like a jerk, but I do very well and my manager stands to make a substantial amount from this arrangement.

I guess I wouldn’t mind, except I’ve been doing this for a good twenty years longer than she has. Any time I ask my manager for any help at all, she says she is too busy. She either doesn’t respond to emails or she promises to get back to me with answers and then doesn’t. Almost all my questions are related to the inner workings of our organization, publicity budgets, etc. I do all my own research and stay abreast of the changes in local laws, so I learned early not to depend on anyone for that.

I am furious. I’ve done fine on my own for 25 years. Now this little weasel is going to get some of my hard-earned commission for doing exactly nothing. What the heck? I’m certain this change is designed to make managers engage more with their brokers, but it isn’t working.

I was thinking of talking to my manager’s boss (with whom I have a long-standing relationship) but that seems a little whiny. Or I could start looking at other companies that don’t engage in this practice. What do you think?

Working Harder, Making Less

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Working Harder, Making Less,

This sounds awfully frustrating. If your manager added some value you might be able to come around to this change, but as it stands, the anger you feel is likely to grow.

Senior executives are much more likely to want to help when you have already tried to fix a situation yourself, so I think your first line of defense is to have a candid conversation with your manager. It is human nature that when there is more to do than is possible, we pay attention only to the people who insist on it. Most managers are perfectly happy to leave high performers alone to, well, perform.

This would mean insisting on a time to meet, either on the phone or in person, having prepared your request to create a more effective working relationship moving forward. It sounds as if all you’re really asking for is that she answer your questions or reply to your emails with the information you need. Even if this person weren’t making extra money off you, this would be a low bar.

It is fair to explain that you didn’t mind flying solo before having to pay her for her support, but now that you do, you really need her to help you when you ask. Stick to the facts and keep emotion out of it. Be clear, concise, and neutral. Practice beforehand if you need to.

One of these things is likely to happen:

• You can’t even get a meeting scheduled, or
• She disagrees that your requests are fair, or
• She agrees that your requests are fair, makes promises and becomes more responsive for a short period, and then reverts to her old ways.

Following any of these scenarios, you can then escalate and at the very least get the commission sharing decision reversed. Or start looking at alternatives. Only you will know if this is a trend that is happening among other companies—in which case, maybe you can find another company with a more helpful manager.

Of course the hope is that when you share your thoughts, your manager will see your point and change her ways for good. Ideally, you build a relationship, she takes your calls, answers your emails, and generally acts as if she has your back, which may add enough value that you don’t resent sharing a little money with her. This is best-case scenario.

Real estate is a notoriously difficult business. If you have managed to stay in it, build a reputation, and make a lot of money, you must be good at it. You probably are exceptionally good at building relationships with people and helping them to manage all the emotions that are invariably unleashed when selling or buying a home. This is not nothing. It makes sense for you to protect yourself and not let anyone take advantage of your decades of experience.

If you can’t get what you need to stop your resentment from building, you can escalate. If that doesn’t work, you can take your prowess elsewhere.

I am crossing my fingers that just being a squeaky wheel—albeit a kind and polite one—will get you what you need.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

About six months ago, I went above and beyond to help out a new colleague.  He had misread a deadline and needed to scramble to get a bunch of time-sensitive work done over a long weekend. 

I willingly jumped in to help him, finding documents, getting permission to give him access to materials, and bothering lots of different people over the weekend on his behalf.  He seemed to appreciate it, but never really went out of his way to thank me or anyone else who had put themselves out for him during this time. 

Something similar happened recently, over another long weekend. I got a call from him at 9PM on Friday night, but I was without my phone during that time and didn’t notice the call until Saturday morning. When I called him back he declined the call, but then sent me an email detailing all the things he needed me to do for him over the weekend.  None of it, let me be clear, was part of my job—and it again was an emergency for him.  I was annoyed, but politely replied that I was tied up for the whole weekend including Monday (which was true) and would not be able to help him. I did suggest a few others who might have some free time to be able to help.

Well. He sent me an email back that was just nasty and cc’d my boss and his boss. He said I was unreliable, not a team player, and made it sound like I had promised to help him and then flaked out, which is not true. I am stunned—and hopping mad. I have written several different replies that all sound whiny and defensive, but haven’t sent any. I just don’t know quite how to share what really happened here without making myself look worse than I already do.

Would appreciate your input on this.

Put Out and Defensive

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Put Out and Defensive,

It is really smart not to send any emails written while you are hopping mad.  All I can think is that you somehow led this person to believe that you would always drop everything to help him. This is not your fault, per se, and people have created false expectations based on a lot less.

It seems like your colleague is disorganized or possibly overextended, and perhaps his stress just got the best of him.  Or he is a bully who knows how to target nice people, and you stood up to him.  Either way, the good news here is that he probably won’t prey on your goodwill again because, boy, did he burn that bridge.

Only you really know how to respond based on your own understanding of your company’s culture.  Is there an expectation (explicit or implicit) that everyone is always available even when they are officially “off”?  Even if that is true, these kinds of expectations usually apply only to team members who are on the hook for time-sensitive responses—and then, when they know they will be out of reach, they arrange for someone to cover for them. I don’t see how you could possibly manage the expectations of everyone in the company, other than putting something in your email signature line in advance and making it clear in your out-of-office response that you are not available.

I can say this: sitting far outside of your work environment, it sounds to me like your colleague was way out of line, and you owe him nothing. Not even a response.  The only thing to be done is to send an email to your boss and his boss explaining your side of the story.  Keep it brief, clear—and, to the extent possible, keep out the part about how personal it feels to you. Just the facts.

Hopefully, your boss knows you: that you are normally open to helping out when you can and that you are, in fact, a reliable team player. It seems clear that this colleague is the one who tries to make his own lack of planning an emergency for everyone else, even people whose jobs do not include helping him. If your boss doesn’t know you, it might be worth picking up the phone and having a conversation.

I suspect your colleague’s boss has seen other instances of irresponsible selfish behavior from him. It is almost certainly a pattern that has shown up elsewhere. Other than rationally setting the record straight, I don’t think there is much to do there.

Getting mad is appropriate, and you are smart enough to know that letting it show won’t be a good look.  Just stand up for yourself by sharing what happened, and then let it go.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work on a team that has had a lot of turnover in the last couple of years. Although our company is very big, over time I have learned who to call to get things done. I am now considered our team’s “answer lady.”

The situation has slowly morphed into people asking me to forward their email instead of taking the next step themselves. I now spend time taking care of a lot of tasks that aren’t mine. In addition, my boss has had a lot going on in her personal life, so I frequently fill in for her.

I recently realized a lot of small things have added up to me doing so much more than I think is fair, and I am starting to get annoyed. How do I push back when my co-workers try to fob their work off on me? And how do I tell my boss I can’t fill in as much as she’d like? I have my own personal life to attend to, after all.

Answer Lady 

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Answer Lady,

How do you push back? How do you tell your boss enough is enough?

Directly, clearly, and kindly, but firmly. That’s how.

You are training your co-workers to believe you will take care of things they don’t know how (or want) to do. You are training your boss to believe you can do your job and hers, too. So cut it out.

I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming you—I’m not. This happens to most people whose first impulse is to be helpful until they realize they have created a problem for themselves. The problem is if you send the message that it is okay for someone to do something, they will keep doing it for as long as you allow it. So you must stop allowing it.

This might be uncomfortable and challenging at first because you have to set new expectations and retrain people, which will be inconvenient for them. You may even find that some folks get upset—but remember, the only people who get upset with you for setting boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them. If you shy away from conflict, which I suspect is the case, this will certainly be unpleasant. But a moment of unpleasantness in exchange for not being annoyed all the time is worth it.

Next time a co-worker assumes you will take the next steps, clearly state who they should speak with and ask them to let you know how things work out. Do not volunteer to take over, forward an email, or get involved. Just stop taking on other people’s work.

As for your boss, I think it is fair for you to have a conversation with her. You can share that you wanted to help out because you know she has been having a rough time, but your workload is becoming unmanageable. Be prepared with a list of what you think makes sense for you to continue to do on her behalf until things settle down for her, and a list of activities you feel are way beyond your job scope.

This is, of course, unless you want to ask for a promotion and a raise. If you think it makes sense, you can certainly prepare to do that. You might want to rehearse with a friend how to frame your request so that you have a clean, concise approach. Something along the lines of “I understand you need coverage, and I wonder if it would make sense for you to deputize me for the duration? It might mean changing my title and possibly a bump in pay.” Avoid complaining. Instead, point out the reality and share some proposed solutions. Be kind but clear. The more you can keep feelings and emotions out of it, the easier the conversation will be for both of you.

The beauty of putting some time into practicing setting boundaries is that people often will sense the shift in you and stop asking you to do things they shouldn’t ask you to do. I am not quite sure how this happens, but I have experienced it myself and seen it happen for countless clients. But it doesn’t always. You still need to be ready to draw a line in the sand.

Start today. Stand up for yourself before you get so annoyed you say something you regret. It’s much better to strike while the iron is cold and say what needs to be said before you get heated up.

There is helping out in a pinch, and then there is letting people take advantage of you—which will continue to happen until you put up the hand.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I had a big job and got a lot of manager training early in my working life. Then a series of events (I had a child with special needs, then another one, parents needing care, husband making enough to sustain the family) conspired to make me leave the workforce for about a decade.

I recently took what I intended to be a sales associate job in a large retail store. I wanted something that wouldn’t be too taxing and would bring in a little extra cash while my kids were in school. I was quickly promoted to a manager position.

I enjoy the work. It is low stress in that I don’t take work home with me. My problem is this: there is a rotating cast of characters in hourly positions who all report to me. The store offers a lot of flexibility, so we attract college kids on their summer break, young moms, retirees, etc. I have regular one-on-one meetings with each of them.

I have found the more I listen to people (something I am good at), the more they will talk. They tell me so much more than I need to hear. People call me at all hours to ask for advice, update me on a situation, or sometimes share good news.

My husband teases me and calls me the Doctor (based on Lucy in the Charlie Brown comics) and rolls his eyes at the number of calls and texts that come in my off hours.

I love these people, but I feel like they are eating at my life and I don’t know how to stop them. I don’t really even want to stop it, so much as control it. I’d appreciate your thoughts on this.

The Doctor Is In

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear The Doctor Is In,

I understand your frustration. As problems go, this is a good one. Having listening as a superpower is indeed a gift—but like most gifts, it can be a double-edged sword. This means your gift has a dark side and you have found it.

When I was training to become a coach and developing my own listening skills, I experienced the exact same thing. The more we listen, the more people talk. It is so rare to find someone who really listens—without interrupting, hijacking the conversation, making it about themselves, or outlining a solution—that once the floodgates open, it can be hard to close them. You have inadvertently stumbled over a universal law: the more you listen with empathy and compassion, the more people will talk.

I know the Doctor thing is a joke—but the fact is, you have been placing yourself in service to others. To be heard and listened to is extremely healing. It is no accident that millions of people make a profession of listening.

The question: how to control it.

The answer: ground rules and boundaries.

You are a manager, so it is fair to set the expectation that all conversations between you and your direct reports have a time limit and should revolve around work. Keep your questions focused on the job and the work environment and keep any curiosity you may have about the person’s life in check. Topics could revolve around these themes:

• Do people have what they need to do the job?
• How is their schedule working; do they need to make changes?
• Is there anything you can do to make their time at work more engaging or pleasant?

When issues begin to stray, gently redirect back to work topics.

It may be tricky to curtail your entanglement with people you already have a relatively personal relationship with, so focus first on new employees and getting the newest manager/employee relationships off on the right foot. Set your ground rules as expectations in the beginning when you explain what a 1×1 is. It will probably feel weird to you because you’ll have some habits to break, but a little discipline will go a long way.

Setting boundaries may take some practice. In your case, though, it is surprisingly simple. You took the job specifically because you wanted to leave work at work and spend your personal time doing other things (in your case, taking care of your family). I think it is supremely reasonable to reply to anyone from work who contacts you off hours with a polite and firm text message such as: “I am at home focused on my family right now, and look forward to speaking with you tomorrow when we are at work.”

For the people who are used to having after-hours access to you, it may help to speak to them about the impending change. For new people, you will set the expectation up front. For more on boundaries, I am a fan of the work of Dr. Henry Cloud.

It might be useful to think about what core need you are getting met that has gotten you into this pickle. Allowing your needs to drive your behavior isn’t a bad thing, until it starts interfering with how you function or how you want to design your life. The key is to find a way to get needs met that doesn’t cost you more than you want to pay. In your case, it is probably a deep need for connection and/or to help others. This is a classic psychological driver—and, as many people in the helping professions will tell you, the need for help out there is infinite. So if you don’t manage your own needs and set boundaries for how much you are willing and able to give, people will take and take until there is nothing left of you.

You have a big and loving heart, Doctor. The world could use a lot more people like you. Only you can take the required steps to treat that heart with the respect and care it deserves. That way you can keep on giving and still have enough left for yourself and your family for the rest of your life.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team in a big company. Here is my problem. I start my day at 7 a.m. with a meeting, and then my entire day is back-to-back meetings. Almost every meeting generates work for me to do or to delegate to someone on my team—which requires another meeting.

When am I supposed to get all my work done? After ten hours of meetings, I feel like that’s when my real workday starts. But by then, I’m fried.

Thoughts?

Meeting-ed Out

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Meeting-ed Out,

This is a perennial problem for almost everyone. Unfortunately, substantially changing anything will probably require a shift in company culture. There has been so much written on this topic. You might think about collecting the facts and presenting them to HR to see if you can garner support for changing the collective habits in your company. If you are suffering, everyone else probably is, too.

But hey, trying to shift culture will result in—more meetings. Just what you don’t want or need. So what could you do short of that?

Some of what is required in your situation is a shift in mindset. Right now you are accepting any and all meetings. You might need to harness your courage and take control of your time. No one can do that for you. Here are some ideas that might work for you:

• Review your meetings and take a hard look at which ones are yours or your team’s. Those are the ones you have the most control over. Challenge yourself to see if any of them can be consolidated, shortened, or moved to bi-weekly.
• At the very least, you and your team could agree to implement “no-meeting Fridays.” We have implemented this in our organization, and it has made all the difference.
• Another thing you can do with your team is to make all meetings 30 minutes. It’s very easy to fill time, but there’s no law that says meetings need to last an hour.
• Patrick Lencioni wrote a great book called Death by Meeting. In it, he says there are four kinds of meetings: Daily check-in meetings, which should last 10 minutes max. Weekly tactical meetings: 45 to 90 minutes, max. Monthly strategic meetings: 2 to 4 hours. Quarterly off-site reviews: 1 to 2 days.

I’m not saying these rules are the only ones to follow, but at least Lencioni provides a framework that can show how some meetings are not necessary or could be better run.

• Look hard at all the meetings you are in. Do you really need to be in all of them? Can you send someone else on your team? If you are delegating, is it possible that the person you are delegating to should be in the meeting instead of you? If so, make sure they send you the bullet points about any decisions made in the meeting or actions to be taken as a result of the meeting. If you’re worried about perception of others, or being judged, share your reasons. You might start a trend.
• Request that any meeting you are invited to have an agenda sent out in advance. If there’s nothing on the agenda that requires your input, decline—and request that you be sent a transcript of the meeting.
• Block off focused work time on your calendar, and don’t accept meetings that are scheduled over that time period. You don’t have to explain to anyone (except your boss or their boss) why you aren’t available. If people really need you in a meeting, they will find a time that works for you. (Note: This may require some re-training of people who have become used to your being available all the time.)
• Finally, challenge yourself to use technology. Zoom now has a feature that can transcribe meetings. Almost all companies have technology you can use to have a quick chat, delegate tasks, etc. Not everything has to be a meeting.

This situation probably crept up on you over time. And it will take some time to unwind it. Be bold, be fierce, and be relentless, so you can get your brain and your life back.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is just awful. He is the son of a friend of the owner, and the owner has no idea how he treats people. Although he comes from a company in our industry, where he was the operations manager, he really doesn’t understand how different things are here.

I love my job. I have been doing it for over twenty years, and I am acknowledged by everyone in the company (except my boss) as knowledgeable and masterful. I have also won several awards from peers in my industry. I speak at conferences, am regularly asked to contribute to panels, and many people have sought me out as a mentor.

And yet my boss treats me like an idiot—and regularly calls me one. He frequently questions my decisions, even though he has no idea what he is talking about. It wouldn’t matter as much if his antics didn’t waste enormous amounts of my time.

Some of my work does require me to make educated guesses—we are in the fashion industry—so trend intel is helpful but really only gets us so far. So I have to rely on my intuition and experience. More often than not, I nail it, which is why I have my job. Very occasionally, I miss the mark.

When that happens, my boss quite literally crows about it to everyone, boasting that he knew it all along. (I am sure he would say “I told you so,” except that he has never accurately predicted failure.) He seems hell-bent on trying to ruin my reputation—and I believe he would succeed, if everyone in town didn’t know me well and also see him as a complete loser.

I have read many books on dealing with difficult people, managing conflict, and having difficult conversations. Essentially, I have tried everything to no effect. In fact, the harder I try, the worse he seems to get.

I fantasize about something bad happening to him, which is not at all like me. I have put a great deal of study and effort into evolving myself to be a spiritual person but this whole situation is testing me beyond my limits. I have to control myself not to obsess about him and not to spend every social interaction complaining to my friends.

This experience makes me feel hateful. It is casting a shadow on my entire life now. I am hoping you have some ideas for me.

Feeling Hateful

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Feeling Hateful,

I do have some ideas. But first let me share that you’re not alone: Here is a recent article reporting that a little over one-third of people say they work with a toxic boss. Respondents describe feeling dread about going to work, increased anxiety, recurrent nightmares, and the need to seek therapy as outcomes of having a toxic boss.

I can’t imagine how the knowledge that so many are suffering along with you will make you feel better, except to prove you are in good company. The term soul-crushing is no exaggeration, because, as you describe, feeling so disrespected can make a person feel that they are changing at their very core.

This is a classic situation where you have three choices.

1. Change yourself.
2. Change the situation.
3. Remove yourself from the situation.

So. You might as well take this opportunity to change yourself, no matter what else you choose to do. Since you have already done your homework about how to shift your communication style, the next step is to work on increasing your self-regulation. If there was ever a time to rise above and be the grownup, it is now.

You could practice distancing—a technique to reduce the emotional impact of events that generate outsized overwhelming feelings. To distance, relate the story of the latest outrage as if it happened to someone else. It might sound like this: “My friend Lucy has the worst boss; wait till you hear what he did. First, he called her at 11 PM, and then yelled at her the next day for not picking up. You know Lucy—she goes to bed at 10 and always puts her phone on silent. Then he dressed her down in front of her entire team. He literally called her a ‘moron’ and a ‘slacker,’ if you can believe it. Lucy! The hardest worker we know!” I know this sounds a little weird, but try it and see if it helps.

Another possibility is to look to your spiritual training and practice mindfulness, which means to observe your own thoughts and feelings with curiosity and without judgment. I might submit that some of your discomfort comes from your adding to the negative experience by piling on judgment of yourself about how defensive and irate it makes you feel. Instead of judging yourself for every hostile thought you have, just notice that you have a hostile thought. And let it just be. Let it not mean anything about you.

The hallmark of any sound spiritual practice is to treat every interaction with someone who makes you enraged as if the person is a spiritual teacher. You might ask yourself: What is there for me to learn here? How might this support my evolution as a spiritual person? I am laughing as I type this, because I know myself how devilishly difficult it is. When I try to do it, I mostly fail. But that doesn’t make it any less worthwhile. I mean, let’s face it, it’s easy to be our best selves when everything is going well. You know that’s true—and if you hate me right now, I can’t blame you.

Once you are feeling a little more self-control, here are a couple of other ideas.

Would it be too obvious to escalate the meanness and the demoralizing effect on you and your team to the owner? They obviously know your track record and must rely on the value you provide. Nobody wants to be accused of going over the boss’s head and being a tattle tale, but in this case, don’t you think the owner would want to know? You don’t mention anything about them, so maybe you already know they can’t be bothered—or they have made it clear that they would take his side no matter what. But it wouldn’t do at all if you finally decided to jump ship and the owner was surprised.

If bringing it to the owner’s attention is not an option, you might anonymously leave articles such as Leaders: This Is the Impact Trustworthiness Has on Your Success or The Five Biggest Red Flags of a Toxic Culture on your boss’s desk. There is no shortage of research on how terrible bosses are bad for the bottom line. You might just leave a new one every week or so, and see if it makes a dent. You never know when the penny might drop for your boss. If he is just a regular numb nut, he could come around. But if he is a power-hungry narcissist who is trying to make you quit so he can hire his girlfriend, you probably have no chance.

This leads us to your final option. You didn’t say you were thinking of quitting, but that is always an option. Some might encourage you to behave so badly that he has cause to fire you, but I think that is beneath you and so disingenuous as to be unsuited to who you strive to be. Not to mention the potential damage to your reputation, which will be important as you seek to create a new opportunity.

So there you have it, my friend. You either learn to let the nonsense roll off your back and play the long game while trying to influence subtly; try to get the owner’s support; or, if it seems like you have no other choice, be prepared to walk away and create the next chapter of your career.

I am awfully sorry for how upset you are. The problem with committing to your own spiritual growth is that tests are part of the program—although I’ll grant you that this one is a doozy. This one feels like a Master Class. But I suspect you are up to it.

Remember who you are.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a call center that delivers customer service for highly technical products. I have been a supervisor for about six months. I have a great manager and a great team.

My problem is that I overcommit. I work much longer hours than I should. Everything I have read on the topic of managing tasks and time suggests I need to get better at saying no.

I am confused, because I have been told that one of the reasons I was promoted was because I am so helpful, jump in to fix things, and generally go the extra mile. I see it as a success strategy. I watch as some of my peers duck responsibility—one of them actually has acquired the nickname “Teflon” because nothing ever seems to end up on his desk. I don’t want that to be me.

How do I know when the extra mile is one mile too many? How do I know what to say no to?

Overcommitted

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Overcommitted,

I would bet that your manager is grateful for you. You make some excellent points—going above and beyond is indeed one of the habits that can ensure job security and career growth.

“Teflon’s” reputation is a cautionary tale you have taken to heart. At some point you will hit the wall and have to draw a line. You are clearly close enough to reaching your limit to be asking these very good questions.

You say your problem is that you overcommit. What does that mean? Do you take on work that should really be done by others? Do you end up doing things that aren’t your job, or that you aren’t good at, or that you hate? Is it that you are helping others, or is it that the task is critical and there isn’t anyone else to do it? Or is it really because you don’t know how to say no?

These distinctions are critical because if you are, in fact, being used by others, that cannot stand. Slackers have radar for people who will bail them out—so you must be clear about the criteria you use to decide whether you will cheerfully pitch in. If you do need to decline, you can practice simply saying that you have other plans or you are not available. If you are allowing others to take advantage of you, you will eventually come to resent it. You can try on a few ways to say no by practicing these statements out loud:

• I’ve made other plans; I’m so sorry I can’t help you out this time.
• I’m currently focused on completing a report and can’t commit to anything else right now.
• I think _______ (someone else) might be better qualified to assist you with that.
• I’m not available right now; I’m sorry I can’t help with that.
• I wish I could help, but unfortunately, my current workload doesn’t allow for additional tasks outside my responsibilities.

Getting comfortable with and being ready to decline something that isn’t your job (especially if it doesn’t sound like fun) will make it easier for you go the extra mile in ways that make sense.

When trying to make up your mind about what to say no to, it might be helpful to consider the criteria for what you say yes to. These include but are not limited to:

• Helping someone who is having a rough day, especially if you know they would do the same for you.
• Doing tasks that are interesting, that you will learn something from, or that are fun and easy for you.
• Jumping in to assist when it looks like your boss will end up holding the bag, and she is already overloaded.
• Volunteering for tasks that will enable you to meet other people in the organization and expand your network.

Using this kind of litmus test will ensure that you are investing your time and energy wisely, not just indiscriminately trying to please everyone.

If you find yourself unable to say no even when you want to, ask yourself what core need you are getting met by doing this. It might be that you need to be liked. Or you need to be the hero. Or you need to avoid conflict. If so, you will want to build your awareness of that need and find ways to get it met that won’t hurt you in the long run.

You say you work longer hours than you should. Who is the judge of that? The only rule around this is the one you make. The question is: what is the cost to you? If you have a lot of energy and don’t have a ton of commitments outside of work, maybe working long hours is appropriate for you right now. It probably won’t always be that way, but if isn’t hurting you I am not sure what the problem is. Are you disappointing family members or friends? Are you forgoing proper rest, exercise, or healthy meals? The key is to articulate your own standards for what you need to stay healthy, whole, and energized.

If others in your life are complaining about your work hours, find out what their complaint really means. Do they want to spend more time with you? If this is the case, ask yourself if you want to spend more time with them and make a choice. But if others are applying their rules to you, frankly, it is just an opinion—and most likely an unsolicited one. It is meaningless. Sometimes people who enjoy working a lot are threatening to people who don’t. I know one young woman who left a job because her boss said her work ethic was making the rest of the team feel bad! Just when I think nothing can surprise me, that sure did.

So who is the judge and what is the judgment based on? Answer that, and you will have your own rules for how much work is the right amount for you. Clarify your own standards. Define what you say yes to. Defend yourself against people who see you as a softy. Be your own judge and set your own rules.

Don’t worry, you will never be a “Teflon.” I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a mid-level manager in a global software company. I have been working here for about ten years and I lead three teams. Right now I am working with my manager on our goals for 2024 and I can already tell that there is no way my teams are going to be able to deliver on all of them.

We have been pushing like crazy all this year with a promise that the pressure would let up at the end of the year. As it is, I have to talk someone off the ledge daily. Now I am looking down the barrel of another year of nonstop work. I feel terrible about this—like I am breaking a promise to my people.

My boss isn’t a jerk. I know she is being pressured from above. She would never say it, but I can sense the unspoken “if you can’t get this done, I will find someone who can.” There has to be some way to manage my people’s and my boss’s expectations more effectively, but I don’t know what it is.

What do you think? I am beginning to think that I can’t live with the kind of anxiety that is building up with no relief in sight. How do I manage this relentless tension?

Pressure Cooker

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Pressure Cooker,

Well, this sounds like situation normal. Almost everyone I speak to is feeling this way. Here are the choices you have to consider:

• Negotiate for more (or more skilled) resources.

Carefully break down each goal into discreet tasks and estimate the time required to complete it. If you can show the math of what it will take to complete all of the required work, and how it will be physically impossible for your existing people to do it, you may be able to get more help. It is hard to argue with math.

You may get countered with “work smarter, not harder.” If you think that might be the case, be prepared to request the kind of training that would help your people to do that. (There might not be any.) With your experience, you probably know how long it should take people to do certain things—and some things just take the time they take. Doing this will also help you pinpoint if you have any team members who cannot get the work done in a reasonable timeframe. You may need to upskill or replace some folks. This can be hard, but honestly, sometimes people are in the wrong job and it isn’t doing them any favors to not address that. You can take a stand as long as you can show that you have really thought it through.

• Negotiate a reduction in distractions.

Of course I don’t know how much of an issue this is, but if your company is like anyone else’s, you and your people are probably asked to join any number of meetings that don’t contribute directly to getting the job done. Look at what those are, and do everything you can to get a few of those items off of the required list.

• Negotiate to reduce the deliverables.

This is the most obvious, and the one your boss is expecting from you. This is probably the least effective option for you at this time. However, I do urge you to check out the boss’s unspoken threat—you might be making it up. This is a classic way for people to needlessly ratchet up their stress levels. You can literally ask your boss what the consequence would be of not being able to deliver on everything.

You absolutely can and should:

• Work with your boss to prioritize.

In the spirit of wanting to under-promise and over-deliver, you can ask your boss to put each required outcome in order of priority. The hard truth is that if everything is a priority, that means nothing is a priority. I suspect your boss knows this as well as you do. So as long as you know your people are focused on the must-haves and will get to the nice-to-haves, that should help you manage your stress level.

• Work with your team to design sprints.

Since no one can go full-out all the time, work with your team leads to design one week of go-hard sprints and then one week of regular work. It isn’t a new idea, but I have seen it work well. You can read more about that here.

In the meantime, I hate to say it, but the intensity in most workplaces seems to be here to stay. You must decide whether you are going to live with it or try to find a more forgiving environment. If you choose to live with it, you have to find ways to take care of yourself and encourage the same for your people. Find one thing you can do to help you manage your stress and commit to it. Meditation, exercise, yoga—whatever has worked for you in the past. You also need to get some perspective. Breathe, do your best, remember that nobody dies in software development and that what gets done is what gets done, and be okay with that. A little perspective can go a long way.

I know it feels like you are breaking a promise, but the fact is that you have limited control over your environment. You can explain that to your people and share what you are doing to advocate for sanity. And at least now you know to be a little more cautious with your promises in the future.

Part of being a leader is choosing one’s attitude and what to focus on. This is your opportunity to do that. Your people will follow your lead.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

There is a woman on my team who is driving me crazy. I am on the young side and she is nearing the end of her career, but I don’t think it is just about generational differences. In fact, she drives everyone crazy.

She always thinks she knows best and assumes I know nothing. She explains things I already know—and at length. She corrects me when I am talking and is sometimes right, but more often she is not. She even corrects our boss in meetings, and he is very graceful. I really wish he would shut her down.

I find myself getting worked up about it, probably way more than I should. It is just so annoying.

What do you think I should do?

Perpetually Annoyed

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Perpetually Annoyed,

I think we can all agree that possibly the most common source of stress at work is interpersonal tension. I have some ideas for you, and you probably aren’t going to love them.

First, some don’ts:

• Don’t complain about this coworker to others on the team or in your company. That just makes you look like a complainer.
• Don’t be rude to her. Don’t even roll your eyes unless you are by yourself.

What you might do:

• Pay attention to the way your boss handles the situation. It sounds like he knows better than to “shut someone down” in front of the whole team. You have no way of knowing what he says to her in private. But, if he can be graceful, so can you.
• Interrupt long explanations that you don’t need by saying something like “May I stop you? Thanks, I have what I need right now, and I need to get to it.”
• When she corrects you, say “Thank you, I’ll have to look into that.”
• If you categorically disagree, simply say “Maybe you’re right.”

“Maybe you’re right” is one of those phrases that can get you out of any number of potentially ugly scrapes with people who are not interested in a discussion. I agree, this is not generational. It is really just a personality issue. It is a classic case of someone whose need to be right supersedes everything else.

We all have different core needs—to be liked, to be included, to be noticed, and to be right are a few examples. I would say the true value of this for you might be to examine your own needs and ask yourself if the way you try to get those needs met at work is making you successful or costing you relationships. If nothing else, the bothersome coworker is a perfect role model of how you don’t want to show up. Watch and learn.

You can be forgiven for fantasizing about stabbing her with a coffee stirrer. (I am doing that right now!) But you won’t actually do it. And you probably aren’t going to get her to change, either—not unless you respect and care about her enough to risk having a very hard conversation with her. It doesn’t sound like that is a likely scenario.

To sum it up: let it roll off your back. Breathe, smile, draw a boundary when you must, and let it go. It is an annoyance, not a real problem. You could certainly turn it into one, but I imagine you have much more important things to do with your time and attention.

Every time you get yourself worked up, remember that whatever you pay attention to will grow. So choose to pay attention to what matters most. I guarantee it isn’t your poor coworker’s lack of awareness.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

This isn’t really a work problem, it is a life problem caused by success at work. I am the CEO of a respected company and have been successful beyond my wildest dreams. I was the first in my family to go to college, let alone get an advanced degree. I am incredibly persistent and have worked hard—but, to be fair, I have also been lucky.

My problem is that my success is visible, so my family members and friends constantly ask for financial support. I am a single mother of two kids. I pay for their secondary schooling and am trying to save for them to go to university as well as for my retirement. I already contribute to the school fees of all my nieces and nephews and pay rent for some of my aunts and uncles. Once I have paid my own bills and all the others, there isn’t much left for savings.

People see that I drive a good car and have nice clothes and they think I am made of money. My own assistant recently asked me to help with her mother’s medical care. People always say they will pay me back, and we all act as if the money is a loan, but I can’t see how anyone will ever be able to pay me back.

I know that the things people ask me to help with are legitimate. It isn’t that I feel taken advantage of—it is simply more than I can pay. I recently made a loan by putting something on a credit card, so now I am paying interest on that loan and I just hate it. I am really struggling with saying no.

Victim of My Success

__________________________________________________________

Dear Victim of My Success,

This is such a classic conundrum. It makes it hard to enjoy your success when it puts you in such an uncomfortable position. I think you might be able to apply a couple of principles here that will help. You will have to gather your courage to be tough and firm, but it sounds like you are tired enough of the situation and are ready to do that. You aren’t going to like what I am going to say, but I am going to say it anyway.

Your suspicion that none of what you give away is truly a “loan” is dead right. Unless you have some kind of payment plan that you are willing to hold people to, you are really just giving money away. The way people who officially loan money (like banks or loan sharks) get unpaid loan money back most of the time is to seize assets or terrify people into compliance. Of course you are not going to do that.

So the first thing you need to do is change your language when you do offer help. Call it a gift. Then when people insist they will pay you back, you can say they are welcome to do that, but you don’t expect it. You never know, someone may repay your generosity when you need it most in the future. I call that pennies from heaven. But you must construct your financial life as if that will never happen. It takes a lot of pressure off the relationship. Everybody wins, you get your need to share and be generous met, and people get help when they need it.

Then, you need to clarify your own boundaries: how much money must you protect for yourself, your children, and the commitments you have already made? It is simply math. You know what comes in every month, and you know what goes out. With anything left over, you decide what goes into savings and what is left over to give away. You can literally build a giveaway fund—and when it is exhausted, that’s that. No more. The well is dry. Until you decide to replenish the fund.

And, unless you are committed to being in debt for anyone other than your children, such as to pay for education or co-sign a mortgage, I highly recommend that you first use the fund to pay off your credit card debt. I am no financial planner, but I know enough to know that credit card debt is brutal and is to be avoided at all costs.

This will be hard for you. You help people because their needs are legitimate, and you care for them. But legitimate need is infinite. It will never shrink. You will be on this vicious and exhausting cycle until you put a stop to it. No one can do it for you.

People will stop asking only when there is nothing—and I mean nothing—left to give. You really don’t want that. Sometimes people are victims of circumstances beyond their control. This is not the case for you.

You have choices here.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have had a film/video production business with a cofounder and partner for about seven years. We have been friends since college. I am the business operations and sales guy; my partner is the creative one. Some difficulties in our company were coming to a head right before Covid hit. We ended up taking quite a long hiatus because of Covid and are now back in the trenches. All the problems we had previously are now intensified, and I am beginning to think I need to just walk away.

My partner—I will call him K—has become increasingly unstable. I am now seeing that what drives his terrible behavior is anxiety, which ramped up during the pandemic and is now really interfering with our work. When I bring in new projects, even though he participated fully in creating the plan so I could price it and staff it, he calls and yells questions at me. On jobs, he contradicts himself so that our employees and contractors get confused and make mistakes. Then he yells at people, telling them they are incompetent. He has fired a few people who were completely adequate. Of course I am the one left to clean up the mess, talk people off the ledge, make excuses for him, and find new people to replace the ones he fired for no reason.

I am worried someone will sue us. He is often rude to clients and has put many different projects at risk. I know there is always a bit of an expectation that creative people are volatile—but his extreme behavior is ruining the business and my life.

He is brilliant when he isn’t acting nuts. I have spoken to his wife about it, and we both agree he needs to get help and, hopefully, medication. I am not really sure how to proceed. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Tired of Cleaning Up the Mess

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Tired,

My heart aches for you. This is an old friendship, your professional reputation, and your livelihood all wrapped up in one big disaster.

When it comes to mental health topics I am way out of my league, so I can’t advise on what exactly is wrong with K. However, I have had a fair amount of experience with people who struggle with anxiety and are affected by unreasonable behavior so I can certainly empathize with how tricky dealing with this situation can be.

The very short story here is that you must take care of the business, yourself, and, as much as is possible, K. In that order.

The longer story is this: If you weren’t tied up in business with K, and literally at his mercy in terms of your clients, your employees, and your income, you could draw some boundaries and leave it at that. But in this situation you are essentially being forced to do something. You just can’t allow this situation to continue or, God forbid, get even worse.

It is good that you have K’s wife’s support, because I think the two of you will have to sit down with K and have the hard “you need help” conversation. In some circles it might be called a psychological intervention. Again, this is not really my field, so you might consider hiring a consultant who knows what they are doing to help the two of you plan and execute something that could work. You might consult the National Association for Mental Illness (NAMI) website to get more information and find resources.

If you are thinking, “Oh no! I don’t think things are that bad,” I say, “Think again, my friend.” What you have described is not okay, and you must put a stop to it. The one thing I know from experience is that we all tend to normalize behavior that is out of bounds in an effort to keep the peace and not rock the boat. We do this until there is an incident that we can’t normalize, and you are headed straight for one of those. There will be a lawsuit—or worse, someone will get hurt or feel threatened enough to call 911. Please don’t wait for that.

Sit down and make a list of all the incidents you can remember where K’s irrational behavior caused loss of time, money, or staff members. It will probably shock you, and that would be a good thing. You need those concrete examples to make a coherent case for need for a change.

In the meantime, you need a Plan B. Explore potential partnerships with other creative talent who can step in, either as a stop gap or permanently, to keep your business going. Review your legal agreements to see what you can do to protect yourself in case K quits in a huff or needs to take time off.

I understand your desire to walk away. If you and K weren’t such longtime friends, you probably already would have. But you clearly feel an obligation to your partnership and to the friendship, so you will regret it if you don’t at least try to impact this situation. It might end up costing you, but if you have your ducks in a row, at least it won’t cost you the business. You will be sad but not destitute.

If you don’t take action, you could easily end up losing everything you have built. There is simply no other option in the face of a brewing mental health crisis.

Not the answer you were looking for, I am sure. I am so sorry.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

In the middle of the pandemic, I took a job that I love and am good at. At the time, my boss made it very clear that the job was classified as “remote” and the deal was that I would never need to work in the office. This wasn’t just because everyone was working from home at the time; the job was classified as remote so they could hire the best person regardless of where they were located. It just so happens that I live fairly close to headquarters and presumably could go to the office if I wanted to.

Now that things have eased up, my boss is insisting that I come and work at the office. At every one-on-one meeting, he mentions that he would like to see me in the office. He has no complaints about the quality of my work and has no reason to suspect that I am goofing around instead of working; he just prefers his people to be in the office.

But that wasn’t the deal. I am an introvert, I love working from home, and I have a great rhythm in my workday that doesn’t include a 45-minute commute each way—not to mention the price of gas! I enjoy many of my colleagues and meet them occasionally for coffee or happy hour. Several of them were also originally classified as remote and some do occasionally go into the office because they are super social types who like it.

I feel that there has to be some reasonable way to push back on this constant pressure from my manager, but I don’t know how to do it without harming the relationship. I am now at a point where I am actually feeling bullied and considering looking for another job. Would appreciate any thoughts on this.

Feeling Pressured

__________________________________________________________

Dear Feeling Pressured,

A lot of managers don’t realize the power they hold or the impact of subtle little remarks. Your manager might be shocked that his nudges are having this effect on you. So if you are serious about possibly leaving, I think you need to come right out with it. You can tell your boss that you are worried about harming your relationship because you really love your job, but that the pressure being exerted on you to come into the office is becoming burdensome.

Before you do that, however, it might be wise to dig up your employment contract and make sure that you are in full command of the fine print. If, in fact, you have it right and there is no indication that your remote status is at risk due to the slow receding of Covid concerns, then you have a contractual agreement to support your position. Hopefully it won’t come to the point where you have to involve HR, but if you are clear about your contract it might highlight the fact that your boss is, perhaps inadvertently, creating a hostile work environment.

As you prepare to open the topic, consider what kind of compromise might work for you. I understand your reflexive reaction that you took the job with the understanding that you wouldn’t have to be in the office, but it might not kill you to meet your boss halfway. Perhaps he wants everyone in the office for specific kinds of meetings. Or maybe he is an extrovert who has trouble bonding with people if he can’t be with them in person. In our own business, I have heard several people who have to come in the office mention that they are lonely.

Asking some questions to really understand what is at the root of your boss’s insistence will help to frame and support your own position. You will want to avoid why questions such as the most obvious and natural one, “Why do you want me to come to the office?” Why questions tend to put people on the defensive. Open-ended questions, on the other hand, help to focus the conversation. For example: 

“What would be different if I were to come into the office?”

“What would I accomplish by coming into the office that I am not already doing?”

“Is there something you would like me to do differently that you haven’t mentioned yet?”

“Are there concerns about the quality of my work that you want to share with me?”

“What would satisfy you, if I were to come in to office?”

It might be hard for your boss to admit that your going into the office once in a while would just make him happy. It might be that simple.

Once you understand what is driving your boss, it might be easier for you to consider a small concession as a peace offering. Maybe you would be willing to show up in person at the office once a month or bi-weekly. You might ask your boss to consider paying for your gas, especially since your salary was negotiated as a remote worker. In California, where I live, gas prices are so insane that they are having a big impact on household budgets.

It will take some courage to pipe up—but really, no manager wants to find out from an exit interview that they lost a good employee over something that could have been avoided. If you aren’t confident about being good on your feet in the moment, practice what you want to say with a friend to get comfortable with your points so your emotions won’t cloud your reasoning or cause you to forget. During the conversation, listen carefully to what your boss says. Maybe even take notes and repeat back what you heard so you are sure you got it right. Take your time and breathe. Remember that, in response to anything, you can always ask to take some time to think about it.

I really hope you will be able to work this out.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have always really liked my job even though the workload is oversized and the hours are long. I provide expert advice and coaching around diet and weight management in a community medical clinic. I have a master’s degree in nutrition and am a registered dietitian. We are government funded and located in an under-resourced community so I know I am providing a much-needed service, which makes me feel good.

About nine months ago I got a new boss. Her voice is weirdly high pitched and grating and all she does is find fault, but I thought I would give her a chance. To be fair, under my last boss (who was super nice) things weren’t very well run, so I thought it would be good to get a fresh perspective.

I have very high professional standards. I am always up on the latest research, always on time, and go the extra mile. I have taken classes that I have paid for myself to get better at communicating. (People get defensive about health and weight—it is a tricky topic.) I complete all of my paperwork on time and have never had a complaint.

My new boss criticizes everything I do and seems to try to make me feel terrible in small and large ways. If I arrive early or work late, she says something like “well, I guess you have no life.” If I help a patient apply for extra services (which they always need), she dings me for putting extra pressure on the system or hogging resources.

She comments on my looks, my clothes, and the age of my car. I am always neat and clean and have tried to always look professional but not overdo it. (This isn’t hard—I have no discretionary cash in this job and am a single mom of two.) I know I am petite and have been told I’m pretty. She calls me a “beauty queen” if I wear a little bit of a heel, and a “preppie” if I wear a button-down shirt.

I find myself second-guessing my perfectly reasonable work clothes and feeling panicky when I get dressed in the morning. It feels personal—except she pretty much does the same thing to everyone else.

I have tried asking her if she is unsatisfied with my work and how I might improve, to which she replies that I am too needy for always seeking positive feedback. I wish I were the kind of person who could draw a boundary, but the way she behaves is so erratic, and sometimes outlandish, that the only thing I can think of to say is “leave me alone!”

I am shy, introverted, and would pretty much rather die than confront anyone. I live in a state of dread and I hate going to work now. This bullying combined with the low pay and long hours is making me think it isn’t worth it. I am at a loss. Is it me? Help!

Dread Going to Work

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dread Going to Work,

Yuck. What a bummer. I can feel your dread.

One has to wonder, does your new boss want you to quit? Or is she simply oblivious to how her petty, nasty, mean-spirited way of going about her day affects people? She is probably one of those people who tells their children they are stupid, bad, and ugly. In my years living in New York City and riding the subway everywhere, I was astonished at the way people talked to each other and corrected their kids. One can only assume she was raised in a family of people for whom it was normal to belittle and criticize.

It is possible she is tough and thinks she is funny, and what feel like jabs to you are her idea of relating. I actually know someone—a smart, competent guy who runs his own business—and his way of connecting to his employees is to walk around flicking them on the arm, on the back, on their heads. I really do mean flicking, as in he uses his thumb as resistance to propel his index finger to produce a sharp little tap. He told me that is how he connects to his people at work!

My point here is that you just can’t really know what people are thinking unless you raise the issue. It’ll be hard, but I encourage you to draw a boundary. To do that, you would have to think through all of the things she does that are out of bounds and prepare for the next time she pokes you verbally. Practice saying things out loud so you are ready. Examples might be:

• Please don’t comment on the way I dress, it makes me feel self-conscious.
• Please don’t tease me about my car, it runs well, and a new one isn’t in the budget.
• It is my understanding that part of my job is to help patients access the resources they need. If that isn’t the case, please help me understand how the policy has changed.
• Please don’t speak to me that way.

Of course, when you feel ready for anything she might do, she will probably do something unexpected—or she might just pile on the meanness. So this may not be your best option.  

You might think about escalating. Maybe chat with your co-workers and bring a formal complaint as a group to your boss’s boss. Best case scenario, she hears the feedback and tries to improve or gets fired. Worst case scenario, she gets a reprimand and then comes back and is way worse.

If you really feel that you can’t take it anymore, and you don’t feel you have it in you to defend yourself, your next option is to get out. With your qualifications, I’ll bet you could get a job coaching for one of the many online weight loss/wellness companies that are popping up like crazy. And they all need qualified professionals. All the coaches work from home, so you wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear or anyone paying attention to your car. It’s a thought. There are also, I’m sure, many other clinics where you might do the kind of work you are doing now. It does sound like you get a great deal of satisfaction helping the underserved who so need your care.

I think dread, like many of the uncomfortable feelings, is a great gift in that it tells you something or someone is more awful than you have admitted to yourself. So your facing this situation head-on is a good first step. Now you are going to have to decide just what you will do to take care of yourself.

You wouldn’t be the first person to leave a job because of a hideous boss. It happens all the time. You can tell who the worst bosses are because they are always complaining about how hard it is to keep good employees.

It is up to you, DGtW. It sounds to me like there may be a really nice boss out there who will feel lucky to have you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently joined the executive team of my organization as an interim VP. I am pretty sure I will end up with this role because I have been getting great feedback and no one has the time or brain space for yet another search and hiring cycle. I love the job and feel that I am getting my head around it.

The executive team is a mix of both long-tenured guys who know the business but aren’t innovating, and go-getters like me. My problem is that there is only one other woman on the team—I’ll call her Jane—who, for reasons I can’t understand, behaves as if she’s everyone’s servant.

I have worked with Jane in the past and find her super competent, straightforward, and inspiring. I know many members of her team and everyone loves working for her. However, in executive team meetings, all of the VPs and EVPs treat her as if she is their administrative assistant. She has far more seniority than some of the others on the team, including an EVP. Detailed tasks that should really be taken by other individuals end up on her plate.

Just yesterday, one of the VPs (who has a reputation for being Teflon with responsibilities) actually turned to her and said, “I’m not very good at that. Jane, would you mind taking that ball and running with it?” And she said, “Sure.” I almost said something. I know how hard Jane works. I am confused as to why she is taking on tasks that really don’t belong to her. It’s clear she is being taken advantage of.

I want to convince her to push back and stand up for herself. It is driving me crazy. What to do?

Desperate to Help

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Desperate to Help,

I can see how that might be frustrating. I don’t know that I would have had the self-regulation to not say something. There are a couple of things to think about here.

First, you might want to wait until you are appointed to the VP role before you do anything to rock the boat. Being interim means you are still being closely monitored for fit to the team and making waves is not advisable. This doesn’t apply as much when it comes to your stances on strategic decisions—your peers need to see how you arrive at your positions, how you think, the extent to which you do your homework and are properly informed, and whether or not your values are aligned with those of the organization. But interfering with existing team dynamics is risky business. You will want to be in a secure position before you take that on.

Once you have the job for sure, confirm your read on the situation. See what you can find out about the history of team and how Jane got her VP role. Perhaps she actually started out as the secretary or executive admin for the team. Old habits die hard! It’s also possible she volunteered to be the task rabbit for everyone. Of course, neither may be true, but you just don’t know—asking Jane a few questions might be a good place to start.

If, in fact, it turns out none of this is true and the men have figured out Jane is a pleaser who will keep letting them dump a bunch of tedious work on her, the next step for you is to have a candid conversation with Jane. It isn’t your responsibility to save her from herself, but you can point out what you are observing—fresh eyes see dynamics that everyone else has become inured to. You can share your observation and then ask more pertinent questions.

I guess it is possible that Jane doesn’t mind. I find that hard to believe, but hey, each to her own. If Jane does mind, you could help her hatch a plan to start pushing back. She might want to have a separate conversation with each man on the team instead of causing confusion by abruptly changing her servile ways . You could help her rehearse what she might say. Setting boundaries is excruciatingly difficult for most people and impossible for some, so practice is important.

The reason we sometimes don’t set boundaries is that the only things we can think of saying are personal and judgy and could ruin a relationship. And then the moment passes, and that’s that—an opportunity to put a stop to shenanigans missed.

The key is to simply state the facts, free of defensiveness, blame, or judgment:

You can also be alert and ready to role model this behavior if somebody on the team tries to pull the same thing with you. It doesn’t sound like anyone has done this yet, but it can’t hurt to be prepared. People who habitually take advantage of others seem to have radar for those who will comply without fuss. I know several people—both males and females—who figure that if they can delegate, why not? So be ready. The first test will send the message that you are no Jane.

Many people are pleasers and love to use their skills to help others. It can be really tricky when people rise to executive levels and they are still getting the need to please met—it is a sure path to burnout. Whatever happens with Jane, it is ultimately up to her to decide for herself what she is and is not willing to put up with—and what, if anything, she can do about it. I appreciate that you are annoyed by what you think is a gross injustice and want to be a spokesperson for shifting gender dynamics. But in the end, all you really can do is make sure you are adding value and taking responsibility for your own relationships with members of the team.

Some battles just aren’t yours to fight. I am sure you have plenty of your own ahead of you.

I hope you do get the job.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently hired to be a director for a customer service team that provides specialty roofing products to the construction industry. We have had a terrible time with our supply chain and the company has resorted to using what we all know are inferior components. As a result, our customers are coming to us with a record number of problems that end up in my lap. My people are frustrated and overwhelmed. The sheer volume of complaints is unmanageable and the cost of fixing the problems is eroding the profit margins.

Here’s the kicker: my boss is now asking me to press my people to talk customers into “just living with” the low-quality products.

I have taught all of my reps some language to appease customers, but the whole thing feels sickening to me. I am trying to hold the line, not let my frustration show, and help my people make the best of an impossible situation. But I can tell my team is starting to hate me. I don’t know what to do. My stress level is going through the roof.

I was so excited when I got this job, and now I wish I hadn’t. Any ideas would be helpful.

Lost and Confused

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Lost and Confused,

Your boss is asking you to talk customers into accepting less than what they expected, do nothing to rectify their situations, somehow convince your team to do the same thing—and, worst of all, develop the skills of a con artist. It sounds like the recipe for a heart attack.

I say no. Just no.

I just don’t see how you can do it. It would be one thing if there were no other jobs available, but everyone is desperate for talent and just about any job would be better than what you are being asked to do. Get busy on job sites STAT.

Of course, it could be possible that you misunderstood your boss, so check with him before you bail. Put your understanding in the clearest of terms and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.

I mean, seriously. A customer service rep’s job is to understand the customer’s complaint and do everything in their power to make it right—or, at the very least, to tell the truth about the situation and admit that the company’s hands are tied. You are being asked to do something that is, in fact, the exact opposite of customer service.

You have allowed your excitement about getting the job to blind you to reality. Go get another job and encourage your team members to do the same. Your company’s management is going to have to figure out how to manage customer expectations and simply turn down work they can’t deliver on. But by the time they get there, I hope you will be long gone.

I’m sorry. I wish I had a better idea. I’d be interested to see any in the comments. But sometimes you have to admit the reality you’re dealing with and just get out to save your soul. Run—don’t walk—away from this madness.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

An employee recently left. She worked for me for 18 months. She never really seemed to want to be here, never got very good at her job, and never developed relationships with anyone on the team. At best, she seemed apathetic. She rather unceremoniously gave two weeks’ notice right before the holidays and it was inconvenient for me to have to replace her so quickly. In her exit interview with HR, she gave no indication of why she was leaving.  

After several weeks, I got an email from her asking me if I would be a reference and write her a recommendation. I have never received this kind of request from someone I didn’t enjoy working with and who made no effort to develop a relationship with me. I don’t want to say yes, because I don’t know any positive things I would say about her. And I really don’t feel like writing a recommendation, because, frankly, she left me high and dry.

Can I just say no? It seems…

Mean and Stingy

________________________________________________________________

Dear Mean and Stingy,

You can absolutely say no. But, since you seem like a decent person, you could also meet her halfway.

It sounds like your former employee (FE) did nothing to create relationships, never committed to the job, and left you in the lurch. You could tell her you don’t feel like you got to know her well and don’t know that anything you say would make a positive impression, and therefore she may want to use someone else as a reference. If she wants to pursue the issue with you, so be it. When potential employers check references, they don’t always ask detailed questions. They are often just making sure that employment history is accurate. I got a call from an outsourced service checking a reference recently, and it was clear they just wanted to make sure my former employee showed up for work and didn’t commit any crimes. If FE still wants to take her chances, she can—or she can use your HR partner to confirm the claim of employment.

If you end up writing the recommendation, you could ask her to write one herself and send it to you so you can edit and add personal touches. Again, you would only tell the truth. She must have been good at some things. You say she “never got very good”—does that mean she got good enough?

Of course, you have no way of knowing what was going on for FE while she worked for you. Maybe she was going through a hard time. Maybe she is super private and shy, and it’s difficult for her to connect with people. You have no idea why she left you high and dry, but she must have had her reasons. I would encourage you to try not to judge her. It would only be mean and stingy if you said mean and stingy things about her to others.

The fact that you are concerned with being mean and stingy makes me think that isn’t how you see yourself or what you are aiming for as a leader. When in doubt, take the high road. You have almost nothing to gain by being stingy and absolutely nothing to lose by giving FE the benefit of the doubt.

So, be kind, don’t judge, and tell the truth. No one can ask for more than that.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior leader in a large state government agency. I’ve been here a long time. I came to the job as a high-ranking, decorated veteran and have earned an excellent reputation.

I hired an employee about a year ago who seemed to have everything I was looking for. He was young, but I overlooked his lack of experience because he seemed right for the job and came highly recommended by a person I trusted.

His job is high-level program management and he does a great job. He has developed excellent relationships with the sector leads and the vendors that need to be managed. He puts in the work, he’s on top of the details, and he delivers. He has pushed all of us to develop and use new systems and he never drops the ball.

My problem? He has started bad-mouthing me to some of his peers and to people on his team. He is arrogant and condescending toward me in front of others and also corrects me in group meetings.

Sometimes he’s right, I am not always up to speed—often because he has withheld information from me. But just as often, he is wrong. Either way, it’s becoming clear to me that he’s trying to make me look bad.

It took me a while to catch on. I spent a great deal of time teaching him the ropes, supporting him, and guiding him. I’m so surprised he would turn on me in this way. I’m hurt and I’m mad—but more than anything, I’m confused. I’ve had a long, successful career and have never had anything like this happen to me before. My wife thinks he is gunning for my job, but he is a good decade or two away from even being in the running. I’ll be long gone by then—I’m about three years away from retirement.

Thoughts?

Hurt, Mad, and Confused

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hurt, Mad and Confused,

Well, yeah! What the heck? Who does this young whippersnapper think he is? Does this kid not know which side his bread is buttered on? What on earth does he stand to gain by trying to sabotage you? And in broad daylight in front of other people? I can’t fathom.

Sorry, had to get that out of my system.

Seriously though, you must confront him on this unacceptable behavior. Because of your status and reputation, it’s probably been a long time since you’ve had to deal with someone challenging your authority this way. You’re going to have to go into it with a beginner’s mind, which means looking at the situation with openness and curiosity and being willing to learn. You are almost there—the fact that you admit to feeling hurt, angry, and confused is an excellent place to start. To be honest, many people who fit your profile would have already slapped the kid down by now. And that might be what’s required. But you won’t know until you get to the bottom of this outlandish behavior.

You’ve already speculated about what may be driving his behavior and even brainstormed the possibilities with your wife. If it weren’t so off-putting, it would be entertaining. You could continue to speculate as a way to clarify and validate your own experience, but trying to guess what’s in his mind won’t get you anywhere.

Here is a potential way to go:

• Set up a time to talk. Maybe choose a neutral spot if it isn’t a mandatory web conference.
• Report the behavior you have seen—just the facts you have observed.
• Share the effect the behavior has had on you and others; but again, only your own observations.
• What if he denies your reality? Fine. You don’t have to gain his cooperation in validating your experience, you just need him to stop the behavior. Your experience is your experience and there is no point in discussing it. Some people would try to mire the conversation and make it about you rather than about them. Don’t fall for it.
• Ask questions (some are favorites from Conversational Capacity):
  • What’s going on?
  • Please help me to understand what is driving this.
  • What does this look from your point of view?
  • We seem to see this differently—help me see through your lens.
  • What do you see here that I might have missed?
  • What do you want me to know?

NOTE: you will be tempted to ask why he is behaving this way. But why questions tend to put people on the defensive and fail to produce insights.

• Listen carefully to his answers. Reflect back to him what you hear to make sure you got it right. “This is what I think I heard you say…”.
• Find your part in what created this situation, if there is one.
• You may find yourself getting defensive, and that’s okay. Just don’t defend yourself. There is no need for that and it won’t be productive. Just say one of three things: thank you, I understand, or tell me more.
• You may very well learn something, and that would be great. Maybe you are doing something unconsciously. If so, make agreements about what you may be able to change if you think it’s reasonable.
• Draw a boundary, clearly, by making a request. (For Henry Cloud’s amazing book Boundaries, click here!)
  •  I expect you to keep me properly informed. If I say something inaccurate, correct it and own that you should have told me.
  • Treat me with civility and respect.
  • If you need to give me feedback, do it in private, not in front of others. It makes people uncomfortable and isn’t appropriate.
• Be ready to defend your boundaries. Be clear about the consequences for non-compliance with your requests. It’s possible you have lost the habit of needing to draw a boundary—after all, up until now, your status created implicit boundaries. Or your people have been exceptionally well behaved. Or both.
  • If it happens again, I will point it out to you.
  •  If it happens again after that, I will _____. (Fill in the blank and be prepared to follow through.)
• Since your wife is up to speed with the situation, maybe do a role play so you can have your language ready to go and polished.
• Document, document, document. If this situation needs to be escalated, you want your ducks in a row. You may have to let him go. No one is indispensable, even if it feels that way. Be prepared. People who are acting out can sense what they will be able to get away with. Under no circumstances should you send the message that any more of this nonsense will be tolerated.

The clearer our boundaries are in our own minds, the more people seem to understand them without having to be told. I don’t quite understand the alchemy of how that works, but I know for sure that it does.

At the very least, you’ll get some practice standing up for yourself, which you haven’t had to do in decades. You’ll probably learn something about your employee. You may even learn something about yourself, your leadership, or your team.

Tap into your beginner’s mind and your warrior self. It’s an odd combo, but it’ll keep you young!

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a 31-year-old female attorney who was recently promoted to manager of an in-house legal team for a giant global not-for-profit organization. One of my direct reports is a man who came to us after having been a partner at a highly respected firm. This is to be his last job, as he is nearing retirement.

We all thought he would bring enormous expertise to the job and add value; but, in fact, he has caused nothing but trouble. His work is shoddy on his best days—I spend far too much time reviewing and correcting it before it goes out. He makes errors that make no sense in light of his experience. He is clearly not paying attention. He leaves work early on a regular basis, which would be OK if his work was done; but he misses deadlines, which ends up as a crisis on my desk at the end of the day.

All of this would be simply annoying, but it is compounded by the fact that he is downright rude to me. He makes no effort to disguise his contempt for my age and gender.

I have made tremendous efforts to be a good manager, making tasks and standards clear, providing ample time for one-on-one meetings to review workload, etc. I would fire him—I have an entire page of documented incidents in which he failed at his task or was disrespectful or hostile to me personally—but, because of the economic squeeze of the pandemic, we are in a hiring freeze. We just don’t have the manpower to cover his work, cruddy as it is. I have gone to HR, but they are overwhelmed with layoffs and furloughs in other parts of the organization. I am at my wits’ end with this situation.

Shoddy Work Making Me Nuts

Dear SWMMN,

This sounds tough. I definitely used to be automatically dismissed by older men—it is a consolation of age that that kind of thing tends to fade. But that doesn’t help you right now. Right now you have a couple of separate issues, so it might help to tease them out and address them one at a time.

The first thing to tackle is the idea that, because of a hiring freeze, you are not allowed to replace an employee who can’t—or won’t—perform. That just makes no sense at all. You might think about taking the case to both your boss and HR. This is serious and will affect your team’s ability to generate required results—so I can’t believe that with enough evidence and a well-prepared argument, you wouldn’t be able to get some support to make a change.

If you absolutely cannot make that happen, you will have to get ready for a hard conversation—probably a couple of them. Start by laying out all three issues at once and setting up times to work through all three separately. My new favorite tool for hard conversations comes from Craig Weber’s work on Conversational Capacity. Craig says that to find the sweet spot in a conversation, you have to start with candor—be ready to state your position and the thinking behind it. Then, you need to practice curiosity by testing your thinking and asking questions.

You will have to decide which issue is most important and start with that. I might suggest the order of priority as competence, commitment, and attitude. The thinking behind this order is the general principle that when people do not feel equipped to do their job, they tend to lose motivation and start lashing out at others. You may see a change if you can help your employee be more successful at his job.

Competence. It seems your supposed experienced expert might be out of practice. It is fairly normal that, as people rise to executive positions, they can forget the myriad details of the job or not stay abreast of changes. That might be the case here. However, that doesn’t excuse the lack of attention to detail he is demonstrating.

Be prepared to point out several examples of errors, and then ask some questions like:

• What is your perspective on this?
• Can you help me understand what might be going on?
• How do you think this situation might be addressed?
• Is there something I can do to help?

(Questions adapted from the book Conversational Capacity by Craig Weber, pg. 97)

Be prepared to continue being curious if your employee takes a position that is different from yours. You can say something like: “I admit my perspective is different from yours; perhaps you can share what you have seen or heard that leads you to see things this way.” The more you are curious and keep him talking, the more likely you are to get to a place where he might be interested in hearing your viewpoint. But you may not be able to get a dialogue going. And if you just can’t, that’s OK. You can always default to making a simple request, such as: “please catch up on proper legal terms and double-check your documents before submitting them.”

Commitment. You can observe to your employee that he often stops work before the agreed-upon time. Make sure you have a couple of examples. If you decide to go the way of curiosity, you can ask: “is there anything in particular that is undermining your motivation or ability to hit agreed-upon deadlines?” It will be interesting to hear what he has to say. At least from that jumping off point, you might be able to renegotiate deadlines moving forward. You can also share how critical it is that he follow through with his commitments—because you also have commitments and need to be able to plan your time. The more you can stay curious and neutral, the better off you will be. Which brings us to the third issue …

Attitude. This one is tricky—and it will color the other two issues. The more you feel attacked, the harder it will be for you to stay curious and open. So anything you can do to not take your employee’s behavior personally will strengthen your position. Remember: this is not about you, no matter how cruddy it may make you feel. I suggest you ask yourself if it is truly personal. There is a good chance he is a jerk to everyone. If you find it is only you, or only women in your office, it is an example of harassment or bullying against a specific class and you really do need to take it to HR. If you are forced to keep an employee who is creating a hostile work environment, you could actually sue the organization.

Obviously you don’t want it to come to that—so start again with your observations. Then ask: “Is there something I am doing that is causing you to treat me with such contempt?” He may claim that he isn’t doing it; he may claim to be unaware of it; or he may actually be unaware of it. You can continue to practice curiosity: “Clearly we don’t agree. Let’s see what our different perspectives have to teach us about this. Can you explain in more detail how you are seeing this?”

Ultimately, if he continues to be rude and hostile, it is your right to set a boundary. But that means you have to give him specific direction on how he needs to address you. You may want to create a list of never and always statements. For example (I am making these up based on my own experience):

• Never: smirk at me, mimic my voice, swear under your breath, or roll your eyes when I speak in meetings.
• Always: keep to commitments you have made, be civil toward me, and tell me when I do or say something you disagree with.

In the future, you will know to start with tight supervision with new people, point out errors or inappropriate behavior the first time you see it, and then, as the new person settles in, you can loosen up. It is almost impossible to go the other direction.

It can be hard to stand up for yourself, but no one can do it for you. There is a good chance your employee is just waiting for you to draw the line and will continue to push to see just how much nonsense you are willing to put up with. Once you call him out on his bad behavior he may straighten up.

This won’t be your last problem employee. Get ready for many more to come. It gets easier. Not much easier, because you will always expect people to do their best and strive to get along with others, in other words, to be like you. Don’t let it make you bitter or cynical that many people aren’t at all like you. But do get comfortable with drawing the line.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.