Dear Madeleine,

I manage a regional business unit for a global supply chain company. During the Covid lockdown everyone went remote, and the organization got rid of the office we had. I like working remotely. And it works well for my team for all the reasons people state: no one misses the commute, there’s much more flexibility to get things done at home, and you only have to be presentable from the waist up. The work part of my job is fine. What I have realized only recently, though, is that I am lonely.

I used to have lunch with coworkers, go out for drinks after work, and chat with people in the hallways. The small talk used to get on my nerves a bit when I was on a deadline, but now I have no small talk at all. Two of my good work friends transferred to regions in very different time zones, so staying connected with them has been a challenge as well.

The Covid shutdown was also the beginning of the end of my marriage. We had both traveled a lot for work and when we were forced to spend 24/7 together, it became clear that we were in denial about how incompatible we were. I started living alone about a year ago. Getting divorced was a relief, but what I didn’t anticipate was the effect it would have on my social life: all my friends are “coupled” and it doesn’t occur to them to include me in their plans. My very best friend just had twins so she literally has no time for herself—let alone for me.

I am an introvert, so doing the things I need to do to rebuild a network feels utterly beyond me. I am only in my mid-thirties and all I do is work, scroll Instagram, and binge Netflix shows. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I am feeling very stuck and sad. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Lonesome

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Lonesome,

I am sorry for how you are feeling right now. There is a little bit of a silver lining in that you have at least admitted to yourself the reality of what is going on and you’ve named how it makes you feel. That is a critical first step to making some changes. I think it may also be helpful to understand that the changes in your circumstances were gradual, and what you are now dealing with is the cumulative effect of that. None of this is your fault, Lonesome—it is simply the result of a whole bunch of events that were out of your control.

However.

You must—absolutely must—take action. I hear you when you say that rebuilding feels beyond you, but rebuilding is non-negotiable. It won’t be easy, but you will be glad you did it. Why? The research is clear: loneliness will impact your health. You can read Dr. Vivek H. Murthy’s paper, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” You will see immediately that you are not alone. The effects of the Covid-19 started a snowballing of isolation that has caught many off guard. It might also be helpful to pinpoint exactly what feels beyond you, so that you can identify what feels doable. If absolutely nothing feels doable, you might consider talking to a medical professional to address what might be mild depression. That would certainly make sense, given what you have been through. This tip is, of course, outside my expertise—but if it resonates with you, there might be something to it.

What to do? Dr. Murthy makes some broad recommendations on pg. 66 of his paper, but I can also share some ideas that came to mind when I read your letter.

Start with what you already have:

• If there is no time for small talk online, set up time with coworkers nearby to meet in person. Meet at a coffee shop to work on a specific project. Have regular one-on-ones with your direct reports in person once a month—again, meet at a coffee shop or find an outdoor space if you live in a warm climate. Plan dinners with coworkers. I know social time used to be spontaneous, but now you will have to plan it ahead. If you are worried that you have all lost the skill of small talk, bring along a list of questions to get things going. Rely on your management skill and manifest some get-togethers with people who only see each other online. This is crucial to your well-being—and there is a good chance you aren’t the only one suffering, so, as a leader, it is also the best thing you can do for your people.
• You still have good work friends. Don’t let the time-zone thing deter you. Friendships are precious, and the only way to maintain them is to make the effort.
• Assuming your ex didn’t get custody of all your “coupled” friends, get in touch with the ones you liked. Let them know you are ready to socialize again and would love to be included in whatever social plans they are making. Pick up your phone and use it for what it was originally intended for—talking to people. Text them, at the very least. You have been out of sight, so you have been out of mind, and that is something you can change. There is no law that says couples can only hang with other couples.
• Your BFF has twins? I guarantee she is as lonely as you are. There is nothing as isolating as being at home with babies. Stop by with dinner. Offer to go to her house and hold one of the babies so that she can have one-on-one time with the other one. Go over and help with bathtime. Get her out for a walk with the stroller—it is so much easier to do with two people in case one of the babies melts down or they both do at the same time. If all she can talk about is baby stuff, so what? Smile, nod, and slap an interested look on your face, even if you are bored to tears. I had my first kid long before any of my friends did, and the only friends I still have thirty-five years later are the ones who went out of their way to accommodate my new circumstances. I am forever grateful to them.

Once you have done a few of the above things, you can cast a wider net.

• Adopt a pet. If that feels like too much, but you like dogs, go to your local shelter and volunteer to walk one.
• Find a way to volunteer for a cause that matters to you or a great need in your community that you can help address. Something that gets you out of your house. There is nothing like being in service to others to get your mind off yourself.
• Join a gym—or if you are allergic to gyms, make yourself go for a walk everyday. Just getting outdoors, having a little sun on your face, will change your outlook. At the very least, it will get you off your phone and your couch. If you like to hike, find a meetup near you to join like-minded others. Or use Meetup to find people who share any other interest you may have.
• If you are a reader, find or start a book group. If you are a cook, start a cooking club.

Start small, Lonesome. Try forcing yourself to do one thing a week for the first month, then two things a week, until you get to three things a week. Experiment! Not everything will be a smashing success, but you will learn, tweak as you go, and clarify what works well.

This will be hard. You will think there is something wrong with you, but there isn’t. You are at the mercy of Newton’s first law, otherwise known as inertia, which states that an object will remain at rest or in motion unless an external force acts upon it. Objects at rest will stay at rest; objects in motion will stay in motion. It takes a big charge of energy to change your state of inertia, so you will have to apply some will to change it. You will have moments when you want to cancel; when you would much prefer to stay home in your jammies. You will 100% be uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay.

Discomfort won’t kill you, but loneliness will. Get to work. Today.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have always been good at dealing with stress in my personal life—difficult pregnancies, a special-needs child, and parents requiring help. But now I am going through a challenging divorce. My kids are all struggling with it in different ways and it is taking its toll. I’ve recently realized this situation is exceeding my abilities to cope.

I recently had to untangle a big mess because one of my direct reports “didn’t want to bother me” because I have so much on my plate right now. I realized I have been ignoring requests, snapping at people, and avoiding complex tasks that are critical to projects moving forward. I am watching myself from the ceiling, wondering “Who are you? You know better. Where is your composure, woman?”

Everywhere I turn to for advice tells me I need to take care of myself, exercise, meditate, and so on. None of it is helpful. I am hoping you have another angle on this.

Train Wreck

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Train Wreck,

You should exercise and meditate. Haha, just kidding. I mean, I am—but it is true that taking care of yourself has never been more important. So don’t ignore that advice. Find one thing you can do that helps you feel centered and grounded—just one thing that makes sense and doesn’t require a ton of time or a new skill set.

My heart hurts for you. You are going through one of most destabilizing transitions known to humans. When I was going through a divorce, I spent a full hour driving in the wrong direction on the New Jersey Turnpike with three ten-year-old boys in the car. My sister called me to tell me she saw me take the wrong ramp and I said, “You’re crazy, I know where I’m going.” That, it turned out, was not the case. That is only one of the crazy things I did. This is a whole unprecedented level of stress you are dealing with, and it is serious business. It literally keeps you from thinking straight. So I have two words for you:

GET HELP.

Find a therapist or counselor to whom you can vent weekly. Your company probably has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)—many offer six sessions with a therapist. That may be all you need.

Or

Call your best friend every day, set a timer for seven minutes, and complain bitterly about everything bugging you. Ask her to not argue or give advice, just listen. I grant that few of us have such a perfect friend, but you may. If you do, make an agreement with a time limit—say a month. It isn’t forever, and you will do the same for her when she needs it.

Or

Find an online support group.

The bottom line is this: There is no reason for you to try to get through this alone. If there was ever a time to call in the cavalry, it is now.

There is one other thing to try that you probably won’t hear from anyone else, and it has brought me, and many of my clients, through rocky patches. It is a technique from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron called “Morning Pages.” This is how she describes it:

“Morning Pages are three pages of longhand, stream-of-consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning. There is no wrong way to do Morning Pages—they are not high art. They are not even “writing.” They are about anything and everything that crosses your mind—and they are for your eyes only. Morning Pages provoke, clarify, comfort, cajole, prioritize, and
synchronize the day at hand. Do not overthink Morning Pages: just put three pages of anything on the page…and then do three more pages tomorrow.”

You can listen to Julia on this topic here.

The beauty of Morning Pages is that it takes about nine minutes, tops, and it makes an appreciable difference to one’s state of mind. It costs nothing, takes almost no time, and doesn’t require scheduling for yourself or anyone else. I have found that people who use this technique go back to it in troubled times again and again. For some people, it just works to clear the decks and get us back to our center. It is worth a try.

In terms of your work, it is lovely that your team members are sensitive to your situation. Just make sure they know what to come to you with, and what they are free to use their own judgment about. If nothing else, this period will allow some of them to rise to their own brilliance. So you have that going for you. Talking to them about what you are going through (at a high level), explaining how they should operate during this difficult time, and showing appreciation for their concern is all that’s needed.

You are used to being a high performer and for the first time in your life, you are falling short of your own expectations. That is adding to your pain and confusion. It is also okay. Other people are clearly willing to cut you some slack, and you can too. You’re judging yourself for struggling, and it isn’t helping anyone. Try to give yourself some grace. It is not permanent. It is a moment in time.

Which leads me to my final point: this will end. I promise. Not tomorrow, not next week, but at some point, you will be on the other side of this, and you will be wiser and more compassionate with others because of it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been working for a company for a few years now. They moved to an Unlimited PTO policy just as I joined. It was heavily promoted in the recruiting stage.

Things went fine the first couple of years. I took the typical PTO breaks—December holiday time, a couple of days in the spring when my kids had a break, around 10 to 14 days in the summer—nothing that exceeded the number of vacation days I would have taken in the old model.

I work on a great team. We have always talked about time off and who would cover for the person who was out. We also have generally checked in and made ourselves available when we’ve been on PTO if there is potential for a problem. There has never been an issue.

 We got a new boss about a year ago. He is a stickler for clearing PTO, which is fine—except that whenever I put in for time off, he denies my request. This has happened a couple of times now.

He always has a different reason—the launch of a new project, heavy workloads, someone else had already requested that time (even though no one said they had). Everyone on our team has experienced this. It’s getting to the point that instead of asking, some colleagues are simply calling in sick when they need to be out.

This is stressing me out. My mother-in-law is planning a big family reunion late this summer, and my wife has made it clear that attending is not optional. But now I am afraid to even ask. Help!

Denied PTO

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Denied,

This sounds frustrating indeed. Some managers get very anxious at the prospect of a team member being out. If I have this right, it sounds like you would be asking for this time about two and a half months beforehand. It would be absurd for your boss to deny you.

So, I say, ask now. The longer you wait, the greater the risk of being denied. Make it clear that you need the time for a family event and that it will create a real problem if you don’t attend. Explain that the team has always been super cooperative when it comes to covering for each other when they take PTO, and that you will make sure to cover all contingencies before you go.

If that fails, the next step would be to have a conversation with your manager to understand the reasoning behind the denial. If he claims that somebody has already asked (unlikely), ask who it is, and maybe you can negotiate the dates with that person, if their plans aren’t set in stone.

If that gets you nowhere, it will be time to go to HR. The statistics show that employees tend to take less time under the new Unlimited PTO policies than they did under the old model that set the number of days off. The fact is that people need to take vacation. Not just taking time away from work but still checking in; I mean a real don’t-even-think-about-work vacation. Any decent HR group will know this and should offer proper guidance and support to your manager.

It is possible that your manager doesn’t understand the PTO policy or he worries that if his team appears to take too much time it will reflect badly on him. We can speculate all day long, but it would be up to the HR business partner to get to the root of your manager’s reluctance to let anyone take time off.

Based on what I have read, asking for time off with plenty of notice should work to get you the time you need. You can read here about your rights, but remember that every state and country has different laws.

Don’t let your previous experience delay your making the request. Ask now and get HR involved quickly if you are denied. Lean on the recruiting promises if you need to. If you get no joy, you might consider working for a company that sees their employees as human beings, not machines.

There are already enough reasons to get stressed out these days. Adding the potential wrath of your spouse and her family to it just makes no sense at all. If your company will not support your need to take care of yourself, find one that will.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Our mental health has deteriorated during the pandemic, demanding the attention of leaders and businesses.

Under normal circumstances, one in ten adults in the U.S. have symptoms of depression or anxiety. That number has jumped to four in ten during the pandemic—and that might be conservative. Our data show much higher numbers. In our research surveying over 1,900 people across the globe, more than 60% of respondents reported symptoms of anxiety during the pandemic.

The trouble is, emotions can be contagious. If someone is sad or anxious, we’re likely to catch the feeling and pass it on to others. That’s because our autonomic nervous system—which controls whether we are alert, anxious, or calm—interacts with the same systems in others around us. If you’re close with someone, you may experience a sort of empathic matching, where you automatically pick up on and mimic their emotional state. How sensitive you are to this is often determined by your childhood experiences and the mother-child bond. Consider the above statistics in the context of emotional contagion, and it is easy to conclude that we all have experienced a traumatic event and are experiencing collective grief.

Considering what is happening in the world right now, there’s a good chance that someone on your team is struggling. Here’s how you can help them.

Spot the Warning Signs

If you’ve ever had a mental health challenge or experienced burnout, you’re likely more attuned to the warning signs. People seem more anxious, frustrated, and angry. They may look sad. Or be quiet at work. Or be unable to focus. Or send emails far outside normal business hours.

I remember when one of my managers, someone I cared for very much, sent me an email at 2:00 a.m. I reached out to him to find out if everything was okay. I’ll stop my story here, but the point is that a caring relationship between leaders and their people is mutual. No one wants to feel isolated, regardless of their seniority or place in the food chain. And it can be very isolating to be a leader with a lot of responsibility during a difficult time.

According to Jennifer Moss, author of The Burnout Epidemic, warning signs that someone is experiencing chronic stress and mental illness typically fall into four categories:

1. Changes in work habits such as lack of motivation, errors, difficulty concentrating, or lower productivity
2. Behavior changes including mood volatility, worry, irritability, or restlessness
3. Increased absences from work from someone who is normally punctual
4. Recurring complaints of physical symptoms such as fatigue, headache, abdominal distress, or weight change

Look for the Root Cause

If your employees are experiencing burnout, chances are it’s not their fault. In fact, it may be time to take a hard look at your organization’s culture, practices, and expectations to see if they unintentionally might be adding fuel the fire. The results of this inquiry may humble you.

According to the Maslach Burnout Inventory (MBI), there are six primary causes of burnout:

1. Workload
2. Perceived lack of control
3. Lack of reward or recognition
4. Poor relationships
5. Lack of fairness
6. Values mismatch

How does your company fare in each of these categories? Which of these deficiencies could be affecting your team members? Once you have identified them, determine areas for growth or change. Then take responsibility as a leader and see what you can do to move the needle toward a healthier work environment.

Be a Role Model

One of the first things you can do as a leader is to model behaviors you want your people to adopt. We naturally imitate those in power. You can take advantage of your widespread influence by taking care of yourself and sharing this with your people. By doing this, you give them permission to care for themselves. And that is a wonderful gift.

Be Empathetic

The pandemic has taken a toll on everyone. We have lost loved ones, jobs, income, a sense of community, freedoms, hobbies that gave us joy, and on and on. The list is long and significant. Everyone is hurting to some degree.

Being empathetic at a time like this is powerful. Show genuine concern and forget about achieving an outcome. If someone chooses to share, remember they are bearing their soul and speaking from a place of vulnerability. It’s always essential to treat people with respect, but especially at these moments.

What can you do as a leader? Create safe spaces for your people. Let them know that you’ll keep their confidence and they will always have your respect. We conduct well-being conversations in our Building Resilience program. When people return from their breakout groups, they always say how good it felt to share. They also say it was uplifting to listen and be of service. You can be of great help just by listening.

Create a Safe Environment

People need to feel safe before they will share. That means creating a judgment-free environment. You can do this by first sharing how you are feeling in a team meeting. Your courageous leadership will create a path that others know they can then follow.

You may also want to consider these tips for verbal and non-verbal communication from the Canadian Centre for Occupational Health when initiating conversations around mental health and well-being:  

VERBAL TIPS

• Speak calmly, quietly, and confidently.
• Be aware of how you are delivering your words.
• Focus your attention on the other person to let them know you are interested in what they have to say.
• Use common words. Do not use official language, jargon, or complex terminology.
• Listen carefully. Do not interrupt with unsolicited advice or criticism.

NONVERBAL TIPS

• Use calm body language. Have a relaxed posture with unclenched hands and an attentive expression.
• Position yourself at a right angle to the person, rather than directly in front of them.
• Give the person enough physical space. This distance varies by culture, but normally two to four feet is considered an adequate distance.
• Get on the person’s physical level. If they are seated, try sitting, kneeling, or bending rather than standing over them.
• Pay attention to the person. Do not do anything else at the same time, such as answer phone calls or read e-mails.

Some people may be reluctant to share. My inspiring colleague John Hester has created a list of questions to help get the conversation started. Use these when checking in with someone who looks like they may be struggling.

• How are things going for you?
• How is your family?
• How are you feeling?
• What are you excited about?
• What concerns you?
• How is your connection to the team?
• What do you need more of or less of?
• How can I help?

Whether it’s children, spouses, or parents, everyone has family members they care about and love. Having loved ones is a common denominator that allows you to connect with your people. For example, if you were to ask me how I’m doing, I’d tell you that I’m struggling because my grandfather passed away. I have to process my grief while also supporting my mother, who is mourning the loss of her father.

One trust-building strategy is to start conversations with questions about the person’s family. Then, as they become more comfortable talking, ask them questions about how they are doing. By asking open-ended questions, the person may reveal something important. This also includes positive answers such as something they find inspiring.

Use the Right Style of Leadership

Effective leaders are situational—they provide the right amount of direction or support when a person needs it. Consider the alternatives: micromanaging (which destroys engagement) or hands-off management (which destroys morale).

SLII® is an easy-to-understand, practical framework that enables your managers to diagnose the development level of an employee for a task: D1—Enthusiastic Beginner; D2—Disillusioned Learner; D3—Capable, but Cautious, Contributor; and D4—Self-Reliant Achiever. Managers then use the appropriate directive and supportive behaviors to help them succeed: S1—Directing; S2—Coaching; S3—Supporting; and S4—Delegating.

My students in the Master’s in Executive Leadership program at the University of San Diego come to me elated when they’re able to get on the same page with their people and build a meaningful connection by applying the matching leadership style. Not only does their job as a leader become easier, but their people feel heard and supported, which leads to better engagement, productivity, and progress for the organization.

A good default position is to ask “How can I help?” Such a sincere question will always win the goodwill of the listener.

Leadership in the New Normal

The pandemic has changed us all in some way. We are different as individuals and as a society. We cannot and will not return to old models.

Prevention is better than cure for any well-being challenge—and especially burnout. It is much easier to recognize the warning signs of burnout and take care of ourselves than to recover from it. The key is to build trust with your people and help them thrive again. And that day will come.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the director of HR who was hired by an early start-up to rebuild the talent team. In the past four months, I have been creating a new team of seven and working to get them up and running. This is a total overhaul of the team, including re-defining of processes, tools, and structure.

One of the direct reports I hired, “Alex,” was positioned to be the most experienced team member. We set expectations during his interview about the team restructure situation. But since he came on board, Alex has made it clear he sees the rebuild as a weakness of my leadership. His priorities for team collaboration and execution are very different from mine. For the last three months, I’ve had to constantly remind him about what we need to focus on for our quarterly goals.

Alex is also going behind my back and creating chaos both within the new team and with cross functional stakeholders. All our weekly one-on-one meetings are about how other team members come to him with complaints and challenges. I’m very close to the rest of the team; I am a hands-on manager ready to help and I have my finger on the pulse of where the challenges are. My direct boss is in the loop. I have asked for feedback from my team and other stakeholders and have found Alex’s comments to be false.

Now he is saying someone on our team told him they wish he could be their manager. He recently told my direct boss that I’m not good at building new things. And he intentionally removes me from important conversations, which creates confusion.

I am ready to part ways, but he just showed his first success in his role. I am conflicted. He is someone I can’t trust—in fact, I feel bullied. Most important, he clearly doesn’t believe in my leadership or the direction in which I am taking the team.

I am not a new manager, but this is the first time I have experienced this kind of behavior. Is it wrong for me to let him go?

Hurt, Worried, and Conflicted

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Hurt, Worried and Conflicted,

I had to move this one to the top of my queue. Your letter literally kept me up the last two nights because it is so obvious to me that you are at risk. I got so upset on your behalf, I had my husband read your letter as a reality check. He agrees that you are being intentionally undermined. We have a code word we use when we see this kind of situation—it is the name of someone who wreaked havoc in our small start-up back in the day.

Let’s start with this: Get rid of Alex. Today.

Only a completely decent, lovely human being would find themselves in this position. You are clearly a really nice person who takes full responsibility for her own actions, is eager to learn from mistakes, seeks and acts on feedback to improve, and works overtime to build a culture of inclusion. You would never in a million years behave the way Alex is behaving, so you just don’t see it. Instead, you give the benefit of the doubt, look for reasons to justify behaviors, and continue to look for the best in everyone—even someone who is plainly gunning for your job by gaslighting you and undermining you with your team members.

That’s what Alex is counting on. Your great gifts of building a coalition and allowing others to shine has a dark side. He knows it and is using it to his advantage. Psychopaths are brilliant at finding people’s weak spots—in your case, your geniality—and using them to suit their own purposes. You haven’t seen this before because it is rare, weird behavior. (Psychopaths make up a very small percentage of the population.) Anyone who hasn’t encountered this behavior before almost always attempts to normalize it, which is what you are doing. But it isn’t normal and it isn’t okay. Do not be fooled or allow yourself to be manipulated for one more minute.

I hope you don’t think I am a terrible cynic. I really am not. I have just experienced this before, and I have seen how entire teams of well intentioned, psychologically stable people can be decimated by one very smart, often charming, crazy person.

Stop feeling hurt and get angry instead. Stop worrying about all of this extra noise and static and simply turn it off. There is NO CONFLICT here. The only question is: how fast can you cut this guy loose and recover from the damage he has done?

Whew. Okay. I just had to get that off my chest.

Thank you for writing to me; I deeply value your vote of confidence. I hope this isn’t too harsh or too direct. I feel strongly that you must stand up for yourself, the hard work you have already done, and the future of your new company right this minute.

And don’t beat yourself up. It is deeply messed up to use a person’s best qualities against them, and you just weren’t prepared for it. And please don’t let this make you bitter—the good news is it may never happen to you again. But if it does, you’ll be ready.

Keep me posted so I know you are okay.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a small not for profit.  We are past the startup phase and we were hitting a stride, but then we had some big setbacks before our big summer season and all my people are melting down. I spend my day moving from crisis to crisis (in between talking people off the ledge).

I have been super busy getting us more help, but the new people need to get up to speed and it takes time.  I find myself snapping at colleagues and family members, and some days I just feel like walking away. 

I keep thinking, “I just have to get through this week,” but then the hard weeks just keep on coming.

How do other leaders do it?  There must be a way to manage this much stress. 

Burnt to a Crisp

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Burnt to a Crisp,

When my daughter was in high school, she was talking with one her teachers about “getting through” a difficult patch and her teacher said, “Don’t wish your life away.” That really stayed with both of us. We still bring it up and remind ourselves when one of us is in the state you are describing. 

There always seems to be a fantasy that it’s going to get better—conditions will lighten up, things will go more smoothly, and problems will become easier to solve. 

But life just doesn’t work that way.  Okay, to be fair, I do know some people who have retired and do, as they like to quote, “whatever they want, whenever they want, all the time.”  But it isn’t going to help you to just try to hold your breath until you retire.  Anyone who is focused on achieving a goal—and yours sounds like a big one—is going to find themselves up against it on a regular basis.  It goes with the territory. And don’t think I am going to advise you about work/life balance. Forget about work/life balance. There is no such thing. That’s just another weapon for overachievers to beat themselves up with. 

What you need is your own Personal Sustainability Program. To build your own personal program, you can choose from some of these options, and any others that our readers might share in the comments.

• Cry Uncle: When there is simply too much to do—on your own list or one of your people’s—decide what isn’t as urgent as all the other stuff.  What can wait until tomorrow or next week? Defer tasks that can be deferred, even it inconveniences or disappoints someone.  Make sure to communicate if a commitment is being broken, to manage expectations.  People—all people, including you—can only do so much and no more. 
• Get Support: Talk to your family and ask for grace when you are snappy.  Ask for more help from them if they can give it.  Hire a coach, call a board member, and hit up your best friends so you can vent and problem solve in a safe space. 
• Take Care of Yourself First: Find the one thing that you know will keep you on an even keel and do it come hell or high water.  Your dance class, yoga, meditation, walking, listening to music, playing golf, whatever it is that will keep your head from blowing off.  Experiment with how much of it you need to stay stable—maybe it is two times a week, maybe it is seven times.  Whatever it is, make it non-negotiable.  I learned early on that hardcore exercise was my antidote to anxiety and I never don’t do it.  When my son was about three, he would stand at the window with tears streaming down his face every time I left the house to go my exercise class.  I felt like a terrible mother but also knew I would actually be a terrible mother without the class.  So off I went.  He is 29 today and doesn’t appear to have sustained too much psychological damage.  One of the industry’s finest coaches, Shirley Anderson—who was my coach for four critical years when I was getting my first coaching business off the ground—coined the term “extreme self-care.”  It is extreme not because it takes so much time or involves anything crazy, but because just the concept of taking care of oneself so one can take proper care of others can feel so extremely counterintuitive.
• Practice Mindfulness: Stress is a habit.  Treating everything like a crisis becomes habitual.  Cut it out.  Practicing mindfulness can help. It isn’t that complicated. It just means being curious and paying attention to our own thoughts and emotions without judgment.  For example, when you are feeling spun up, you might notice it and think, Hmm, isn’t that interesting, I am getting more and more anxious. I wonder what is going on.  Noticing when you are reacting to something in a way that doesn’t really make sense is a good first step toward mindfulness. 
• Breathe: There is amazing new research that shows that just taking deep breaths may feel good, but it doesn’t actually calm the nervous system down.  There is a very straightforward, simple way to do that with breathing, though.  It is called Two to One Breathing. You simply breathe in for three counts, hold for one count, and release the breath on a six count.  Repeat.  Or you can do two and four counts—whatever works for you.  I have been experimenting with it, and it really works!  One client mentioned that one of her regular meetings starts with that kind of breathing. Everyone feels better, and the meetings are more productive as a result. You might try doing it with your people when they are stressing out.
• Get Perspective: When all else fails, you can remind yourself that this too shall pass, things will calm down, people will stabilize, and no one will die today because you didn’t get to everything on your list. 

I am pretty sure I am not telling you anything you don’t already know, but, as with many things, there can be a big gap between knowing and doing. A wonderful coaching question to ask yourself might be: whose permission do you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself?  I hope the question makes you smile, because you know who the boss is, and whose permission you need.

So, give yourself permission to be a human being and choose one thing—just one—to commit to, and do it.  I guarantee that you will notice a big difference in your ability to manage the stress, the crisis, and the constant busyness. 

Breathe. Three counts in, hold one, six counts out. 

You’ve got this.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

It’s hard to believe it’s been more than a year since the world was blindsided by a global pandemic. Millions of people are mourning losses due to COVID-19: family members, friends, and colleagues who have died; businesses and jobs that have been lost; savings accounts that have been depleted. Almost everyone has experienced some form of loss, whether it’s canceled weddings, graduations, and family events, or not being able to visit relatives—or even hug friends.

Acknowledging the worst parts of the past year is difficult and necessary. But it’s also important to see the upside of how things have changed from the way they were a year ago.

The Marvels of Video Conferencing

The past year was a turning point in the way much of the world does business. We had no choice at first—businesses were shut down, people were quarantined at home, and nobody was flying, so we needed to get more familiar with meeting online. The technology was already there; we only had to jump on and ride!

I love being able to sit down and get on a Zoom call today instead of packing a suitcase and getting on a plane. Walking downstairs is a great way to commute! I can talk with hundreds of people at once without leaving my chair. I’m available to drop in on training sessions to chat with participants whenever I’m asked. If a salesperson has a client who might want to meet me, I can sit in on a meeting with the CEO or the whole leadership team. Last week I was in a meeting with a salesperson in England and a client in Ireland. The next day I was on with one person in Italy and one in South Africa! I can spread myself around so much more efficiently now, which helps our sales team, serves our clients and our learners, and doesn’t require me to travel beyond my home office. That’s a win-win-win.

Because so many of the folks in our company work remotely now, our teams can meet more often because it’s much easier to get everyone together virtually. I’m seeing and getting to know people who work with us that I’ve never had a chance to meet—and they are getting to know each other better, too.

Of course, moderation is in order even with this miraculous technology. As the months have gone by, we’ve been hearing more about “Zoom fatigue,” where people get burned out by back-to-back video meetings. I like the solution of scheduling meetings for 45 minutes, not 60, so you aren’t logging into one meeting right after another. If you combine this approach with microbreaks, it could go a long way toward combating Zoom fatigue.

Even if it’s not yet a perfect science, video conferencing seems to be the best way to go for many organizations right now—and I’m not sure that will change anytime soon.

The Virtual One Minute Manager

The same technology that enables you to meet with clients and teams can be used to manage your direct reports. This is especially helpful if you’re not in an office and able to practice “Management By Wandering Around”—a technique originated by the Hewlett-Packard Company in the 1970s. When Spencer Johnson and I wrote The One Minute Manager^®in 1981, we made the practice one of our title character’s management habits, although we never used the phrase. In our original book, the One Minute Manager “never seemed to be very far away” from his people, so he could observe their behavior face to face and catch them doing things right. In 2015 when we wrote the updated edition titled The New One Minute Manager^®, we acknowledged the fact that managers were no longer always in the same place as their people. And since the advent of COVID-19, of course, remote workers are far more common.

So, what’s the virtual equivalent of Management By Wandering Around? As a manager, make sure you set One Minute Goals with your direct report so you’re both clear on expectations. Stay informed on data and performance relating to those goals, and regularly schedule virtual one-on-one meetings with them. When your direct report does something right, call the person or schedule a quick Zoom meeting to give a One Minute Praising. If you notice them moving in the wrong direction, use the same method to contact the person and help them get back on track with a One Minute Re-Direct.

The Upside of COVID-19 on Home Life

At the time I am writing this, the United States and many other countries are moving quickly toward vaccinating people as soon as possible. My wife, Margie, and I feel relieved that we have had both of our vaccinations. We are eagerly looking forward to the day when we can once again open our offices to our colleagues, have friends and family visit us at our house, and do what I miss the most—hug people. Like most others, we have had to give up some enjoyable parts of our lives to stay safe. Yet we’ve been appreciating the simple pleasures around us. Here are some examples:

Bonding with pets. Margie and I have noticed over the years that our little dog, Joy, has always seemed happiest when we’ve taken time off from traveling. She just loves it when we are home with her. You may guess that Joy has been ecstatic for more than a year now. She is also a big clown and can always cheer us up when we start feeling down. If you are a dog lover, you know how therapeutic dogs can be. Last year when people realized quarantine was going to go on for a while, there was a surge of adoptions at shelters all over the country. So many people were adopting pets that a lot of shelters ran out—I remember the news reports showing all the empty cages. It was a beautiful sight.

Watching movies. We’ve been having a lot of fun watching old movies—some favorites we had already seen several times and some new ones recommended by friends. It’s an enjoyable way to spend time together, whether the movies are good or bad.

Enjoying socially distant, outdoor gatherings. Last summer our neighborhood held a socially distant “block party.” We all brought our own chairs, food, and drinks. We wore masks, sat at least six feet apart, and had interesting conversations. Even at a distance and with masks on it was wonderful to see our neighbors and even meet a few new folks. We are looking forward to doing it again now that spring is here.

Appreciating the great outdoors.  Margie and I have been getting outdoors more often—walking with our dog, Joy, or golfing almost every week at our local Par 3 course. Anything that can get you out of the house and into the fresh air is a good thing. Going for a walk is good mental and physical therapy and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Practicing Kindness and Gratitude

The pandemic isn’t over, and we’ll all need patience until it is. One way to cope is to focus on the good that’s come out of this challenging year—not an easy task. As author and philosopher Eric Hoffer wrote: “The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”

Meanwhile, let’s be kind to everyone we encounter. We don’t know what they may have gone through in the past year—or what they may be going through now. Let’s keep sending out thoughts and prayers to people we love and continue reaching out to help others who have suffered great losses or illness and are still hurting. And let’s not forget to be grateful for the blessings in our lives.

Dear Madeleine,

I lost my identical twin brother to COVID late last spring. Of course there was no service, and I organized a Zoom event that was almost too sad to bear. A cousin was also infected, and lived, but has many brain-related long-hauler symptoms and has had to go on disability. This leads me to suspect that possibly, genetically, I may have real reason to worry.

My company just announced it will be reopening on April 1 and everyone is expected to be back in the office on that day. The way the vaccine rollout is going where I live, I can’t imagine I will have a chance to get mine by that date. I have no underlying conditions and am only 42. I am married to a health care worker and she got her vaccine, so I don’t worry about her. At the beginning we were on high alert, but thankfully she managed to stay safe.

What worries me most is that many of my colleagues are anti-mask and do not believe COVID is a real risk. Clearly, I have deep, painful experience of how real it is.

I talked to my boss about my concerns and he was not at all interested in hearing it. There are enough changes and big deals going on that he just can’t be bothered to lobby on my behalf. My performance has not given him cause to question my desire to continue working from home until I can get the vaccine. In fact, I am far more productive working from home than from the office—I never would have known that until this past year. Eliminating my commute and gaining quiet time I can’t get at the office have definitely helped me get more done.

I find myself looking for another job even though I am deeply invested in the one I have and I do like the company I work for, their rigid policies notwithstanding. My boss generally doesn’t interfere with me—but neither is he an advocate for me as a person, obviously.

I am so stressed out by this whole thing. I am losing sleep and finding it hard to concentrate on my work.

Trapped & Resentful

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Trapped & Resentful,

Because we weren’t having enough fun, huh? Let’s review: you have been dealing with the fear of the COVID-19 virus, you were worried sick about your wife for months on end, and then you had the body blow of the loss of your brother. So even before your company’s announcement, you had adrenaline (the fight-or-flight neurotransmitter) and cortisol (a stress hormone) coursing through your system for over a year. This is not good.

Even if you didn’t have to go back to the office, I would highly recommend you do everything in your power to reduce your stress level. Google around and find some resource (there are so many!) for how to manage stress and anxiety. Mindfulness, breathing, meditation, yoga, prayer, exercise (even just going for a walk helps), journaling. If you have a dog or cat, spend some time just loving it up. It does wonderful things for an anxious brain, a galloping heart, and the soul.

Then you might want to get some support for dealing with your grief. One thing to know is grief is exhausting—and when compounded by fear and uncertainty, it is bound to feel like you are carrying a boulder around. Find a support group or a counselor and spend time taking care of yourself that way. After my mother died, I walked into walls for a year and there was nothing like COVID going on to make things even worse. Bereavement is a big deal. I urge you to take it seriously and get some help.

Now let’s talk about this work situation. I say WOW. Just wow. I am amazed your company is willing to put its people at risk. It is also hard to understand your boss’s lack of empathy. You might think about sharing this article on the importance of psychological safety with him—but would he read it? Probably not. So I say escalate to HR. They must understand the risks and possibility of a lawsuit, if not from you, from anyone who is freaked out—or worse, who contracts the virus. Possibly they can make an exception for you to work from home until you achieve maximum immunity two weeks after the second vaccine. Or they can approve some time off? Or you could take PTO if you have enough saved up?

I really think you need to take a stand for your own well-being by escalating this and involving someone who can help you out. Otherwise, your stress will continue to build and you could end up with some real regrets. I would hate for you to have regrets. I hate regrets. The best way to avoid the woulda-shoulda-couldas in the future is to take care of yourself now.

If no one in your company can help you, it probably makes sense to look for another job. Companies that aren’t willing to be flexible may have a big surprise ahead, since remote work is so much more acceptable now than it was before the pandemic. I know of several people who had to turn down jobs with their dream company before the pandemic because they didn’t have the option to move, but have joined up now that they can work remotely.

It has been said (by enough people that I can’t find a credible attribution) that resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. And you don’t need any more yuck than you already have going on.

So. Do something. Take Action. You will be so much the better for it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager. I like my company, I like my job, and I like my team. I have always received good performance reviews and my boss thinks I can do no wrong. I feel lucky, all things considered—this past year was as challenging for our company as it was for others, but we are doing okay.

My problem is that lately I’ve been flying off the handle. Things will be going fine, then something will set me off and the next thing you know I’m saying things I know I’ll regret. For example, one of my employees has a whiny voice that grates on my nerves and it is everything I can do to be civil with her. This kind of thing has been happening more and more, and after each time I promise myself not to let it happen again— but then, out of nowhere, it does.

No one has said anything yet but I can tell that my team members are nervous around me now, which also puts me on edge. I have to find a way to get control of this but I don’t know where to start.

What’s wrong with me?

Flying Off the Handle

________________________________________________________

Dear Flying Off the Handle,

Something is wrong. Something is very wrong, and your brain knows it and wants you to pay attention. I want you to pay attention.

I appreciate that you have the self-awareness to notice that something is seriously out of whack and you must get to the bottom of it. Without more information, it is almost impossible for me to provide intelligent input. I started to cover all of the possibilities, but when my answer got way too long, I created a picture to sum it all up:

Here are the possibilities I see—from 1 (which should be a fairly simple fix) to 7 (which could be very serious).

1. Tolerations

A toleration is a teeny thing you are putting up with. One or two are fine—but when they start to accumulate, they can become a huge drain on your energy. Think of a toleration as a little pebble. One pebble in your pocket is not a problem. Even five would be fine. But twenty-five or more would cause a real issue.

The first step in eliminating tolerations is to name them. Write out all the things you are putting up with at work. Think of as many as you can. Write quickly. Aim for twenty-five. Start with your old laptop, your phone battery that is dying too quickly, your squeaky office chair, your cat who keeps napping on your keyboard and leaving cat fur everywhere, your outdated software that keeps reminding you to update, colleagues who don’t respond to emails, resources that get allocated to other people. Tolerations are usually things that, on their own, are not large enough to require your immediate attention—but they bug you just the same.

Next, triage and organize. Review your list and identify what you can change and what you can’t. Remember: listing what you are putting up with doesn’t make you a whiner; it’s actually the beginning of the process of eliminating the things that drain you and keep you from focusing on what is really important.

Then, take action. The power of tolerations comes from their buildup and their subsequent removal. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your state of mind is to literally change a light bulb in the hallway, clean out your email inbox, or go buy a longer phone charging cord. Dealing with tolerations has a magical way of putting a spring back in your step so you can get back to the business you most need to focus on. You can read more on Tolerations here.

2. Denial

Something has changed in your life and you’re pretending it’s OK when, in fact, it isn’t.

So what has changed? Anything? Have you moved your home? Separated from your spouse? Lost a beloved dog? Sent a kid off to college? Are you having an argument with a neighbor? Here is a link to a questionnaire to help you to assess potential changes you might be dealing with and their impact on stress levels.

If that’s not it, maybe something is going wrong at work that you’re in denial about.

What you’re describing was defined by Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking work Emotional Intelligence as an Amygdala Hijack. Essentially, it means that your pre-frontal cortex, the seat of judgment and self-regulation in your brain, has been overwhelmed and your limbic system has taken over with a fight-or-flight response. Do you somehow feel threatened? Maybe you have an enemy at work who is bullying you. Something is shorting your brain out or something new is “triggering” you. (I am not a fan of that word, but in this case, it could be apt.) Maybe you have been letting your team get away with bad behavior and you are finally sick of it. Maybe the whiny-voiced employee is actually whining, and you need to tell her to cut it out. If nothing is coming to mind, make a quick list of everything you are putting up with at work and see if something surprises you.

3. Emotional Illiteracy

Don’t be offended—I don’t mean to insult you. If you were to diagnose yourself as being emotionally illiterate, you wouldn’t be alone. One of my many coaches, Paul Cutright, always says: “People are never upset for the reason they think they are.” Most of us vaguely know when something is upsetting us but often have no idea exactly what it is, why it is upsetting, or, for that matter, which specific unpleasant emotion we are feeling. I have a personal theory that men, in particular, interpret all unpleasant emotions as anger and that is how those emotions get expressed. But the emotion could actually be concern, fear, uncertainty, hurt feelings, umbrage, exclusion, sadness. Personally, I often have no idea I am upset until I find myself being testy with someone who has done nothing to deserve my ire. I’ll have to go for a walk or do some writing to figure it out.

Susan David has done wonderful work on what she calls Emotional Agility. Her research supports the concept that the more we do the work to both understand what we are feeling and label it accurately, the better able we will be to express it and defuse the power of it. She offers all of her talks as well as a very cool quiz on her website. I suspect this might make a difference for you.

4. Lack of Self Care

I mentioned the pre-frontal cortex (PFC) earlier. It can easily become overwhelmed and then your limbic system has to take over. All of your ability to self-regulate and choose a response, rather than simply react, is managed by your PFC. The PFC is a resource hog, it needs a constant supply of glucose, rest, sleep, exercise, and hydration. If you have too much going on, are making too many decisions, aren’t taking proper breaks, aren’t eating so your blood sugar is too low, aren’t sleeping enough, or are otherwise failing to take care of yourself, your brain will start to show the wear and tear.

Have your regular self-care routines been interrupted? Have you had to miss your regular run or workout? Have you been skipping meals? Up all night worrying about climate change? Cut it out. Nobody is winning if you are off your game.

5. Burnout

Causes of burnout are varied and there is a disagreement about what it really is. It can be hard to pinpoint. Common causes are boredom, too much responsibility without corresponding authority, lack of autonomy, or no opportunity to achieve mastery.

It sounds like you have been doing the same job for a long time. Maybe you are bored. Boredom can creep up on you—this can be subtle because most people resist the truth. The thinking goes: “Things are going great, why mess with a good thing?” When was the last time you were challenged?

Or maybe you are just exhausted. If that’s the case, you are going to have to take a big step back and engage in some seriously extreme self-care. By this I mean take a vacation. Have you used your vacation time? Have you been having any fun at all?

6. Extreme Stress

This could be a combination of denial and emotional illiteracy supported by a culture that supports keeping a stiff upper lip and not complaining when things get hard.

I once worked with a client who was feeling apathetic about pretty much everything. About two months into the coaching, he casually mentioned that his partner had passed away four months back. I was stunned. Of course, it all made sense—the poor guy was grieving! When I said as much, he said “Oh no, that can’t be it; I had known for a long time that he was going to die so it wasn’t a surprise. I’m over it.” Hmmm. No. I understand that no one wants to wallow or feel sorry for themselves, but come on. We are all human, and we all have to process a lot of thoughts and feelings about big life events. Grieving, especially, is wildly misunderstood in Western culture and can deeply affect people for years. Take this stress assessment and see whether you are, indeed, dealing with extreme stress. The crazy thing is that even really positive events like a promotion, a financial windfall, or getting married can be highly stressful.

And let us not forget that we are all living in a period of plague and civil unrest that might be affecting you more than you are admitting to yourself. 

7. Medical Issue

I Googled around (which I don’t recommend unless you need to get nervous enough to get your butt into the doctor—in which case, be my guest). It is possible that you have some kind of health problem that is subtle but is wearing you down. If none of the above possibilities resonates, it would be smart to make a doctor’s appointment and get a full physical. Best case, you’ll get a full physical and find out you are in perfect health but just have a lot of tolerations. Worst case, you’ll find out something is wrong and catch it early, which can only be good.

As you embark on this journey of self-examination and reflection, you will probably be impatient with what feels like navel gazing. But the fact is, that is what is required of you now. When you are watching yourself behave in ways you don’t condone or understand, you must figure it out before it gets worse and causes a real problem. Talk to a close friend or your partner. Take a long walk and pretend you are being interviewed about your life. Pray if that’s your thing. Write it all down if that’s better for you. Just start to express what is in your heart. I am hoping that, with the structure I’ve laid out, you will stumble over what is going on.

In the meantime, I’d recommend you talk to your whole team about this. Just get the elephant in the room right out in the open. Tell them you have noticed that you have been unusually volatile and you are working to understand why and to manage the behavior. And it isn’t personal.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Don’t put your head in the sand now—get on it and stay on it. You’ll be so glad you did.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I just read your column Feeling Overwhelmed in a New Role and I find myself in the exact same position. I recently took a role as manager, and on week one I started getting emails expecting deliverables. I came with enthusiasm wanting to bring positive impact, and of course my seven years of experience. But now on week four I already feel like I am a failure—like I am letting everyone down.

I have a to-do list the size of Africa and can’t seem to complete anything. I try to meditate and be patient with myself, but then an avalanche drops in. I am expected to make budget decisions and hiring decisions, and I am on my first month! And I feel that if I am honest and say “I need time to get it together—I can’t deliver on all these tasks,” that it’s some kind of cop-out.

I should also add that I have always had a sinking suspicion I am in the wrong career. But I don’t have a clue as to what the right career might be for me.

I am only 32 and already have early signs of hypertension. I am afraid this stress will either kill me or leave me with lifetime stress-related illnesses. Then I get so mad at myself and think, “Just quit!” But I have a dream of owning a farm and living in a tiny house. I am flustered and confused, overwhelmed, unhappy, and stressed. I feel like a failure. And I feel like I’m the only one dying in silence. PLEASE HELP.

Dying in Silence

________________________________________________________

Dear Dying in Silence,

I am so sorry you are feeling so terrible. It sounds like you have a nasty negative spiral going on, and every little thing just piles on and makes things worse. Hypertension at 32 is worrisome. Your concern that your stress level over your job might kill you is even more worrisome. Your sympathetic nervous system is on high alert, so you are in a constant state of panic 24/7.

Job one is to calm down. You have dug yourself a hole in which your anxiety has gotten the best of you. If there is any way you can work with a therapist very quickly, I suggest you do it. If you can’t, you might watch this really smart video that describes exactly how anxiety works and how to reverse the anxiety cycle you are in.

Essentially, you need to change your thinking. All your stress seems to be caused by your own expectations. My first clue was “dying in silence.” So, for the love of all that is good, speak up. Get a coach, get a therapist, talk to your boss, go to HR. SPEAK UP.

The second clue in your letter was “And I feel like if I am honest and say ‘I need time to get it together, I can’t deliver on all these tasks,’ that’s some kind of cop out.” That is a made-up story that you have to change, right this minute. And I mean right this minute. Honestly, if we were speaking on the phone, I would be raising my voice right now.

Who knows where you got that story—maybe your family of origin or a former boss. Or you came from a role/job where you were actually able to get everything done. It doesn’t even matter. All that matters is that is that story that will kill you.

You need a new story that goes something like this: “I need some time to get it together. I can absolutely do all of this, just not all at the same time, and not this week.”

One of the biggest leaps from being an individual contributor to a manager is that you never, ever get to the end of the list. EVER. The list just grows, reforms, and gets re-prioritized. Some things you will never get to, and it will be because they weren’t important enough or the person you were doing it for forgot. Either way, nobody will die—except, of course, you if you don’t get hold of yourself.

Part of what employers expect when they hire someone in a management position is that the person will have enough experience to structure their time and manage expectations given all of the demands placed upon them. So all of these crazy demands are being made of you. It is up to you to create a plan for what you can accomplish by when, and to communicate this plan to whoever needs to know. You don’t mention a boss. Presumably you have one who is not helping you prioritize—or perhaps you are not communicating your lack of clarity about priorities, timelines and expectations. If you haven’t asked your boss for help, they are going to be awfully surprised when you drop dead of a heart attack because for some reason you thought you had to be superwoman.

 It isn’t copping out to stop, think, plan, prioritize, and communicate on timelines—it is being a responsible human being. You are 32. There is a good chance that up until now you have been a “good girl” your whole life. You lived up to everyone’s expectations of you, got good grades, got a good a job in which you crushed it—which is why you got promoted into a situation where you now have to let go of that good-girl persona and stop trying to be all things to all people and perfect at all times. One of the hardest things to learn at your stage of adult development is that you will absolutely, positively disappoint people. I promise it won’t kill you. But you can also disappoint people less by properly managing their expectations and not making promises you can’t keep.

So. It’s time to take a step back and get a grip. Make a mind map of the avalanche—everything that needs to be done, everything others ask of you, everything you think you need to do. Get it all out of your head and on a piece of flip chart paper. Then organize it: break down each thing into the smallest possible tasks and create a timeline for each one. Decide what you think needs to be done first, and if you aren’t sure, ask the person who is waiting for the deliverable. Once you have your list, send it to your boss with a note that says: “This is everything that needs to be done, in priority order. If you disagree with my plan please let me know; otherwise I will proceed according to this plan.” Any new deliverables asked of you get put into the plan. If someone tells you something is urgent, ask your boss if you can bump something else. Or better yet, just say no. People will happily fob off their late requests or emergencies of their own making on to you if you let them. And, because you are the new kid, there is a good chance that people around you are testing to see to what extent they can push you around to get what they want when they want it. It isn’t their job to know how much you have on your plate and what you can and can’t do. It is yours.

Once you have calmed down and brought your new job into some kind of perspective, you can think about the fact that you may be in the wrong career. You may very well be—but I guarantee you have a better chance of figuring that out while you have a job and can pay your bills. If you up and quit, it will create a whole host of new problems that will cause new kinds of anxiety. And once you can think straight, maybe you will see how you can get to where you want to be from where you are.

It is hard to be creative when you feel like you are dying. One of my dearest coach friends, Laura Berman Fortgang, has a terrific system called Now What? to help people who suspect they are on the wrong road find the one that is right for them. You have plenty of time. I know you don’t feel that way, but truly, you do. And if you don’t face your demons head on in the situation you’re in right now, you will simply take them with you to your next situation.

Your dream of owning a farm and living in a tiny house is beautiful, and there is no reason that you can’t make a long-term plan to achieve it. But. I know some farmers, and the workload is never ending and backbreaking. And then, of course, there are massive forces out of your control to contend with, like weather. You can’t risk having a heart attack because there is too much rain. You will enjoy your dream a lot more if, when you do realize it, you have done the hard work of learning to manage priorities, getting the right kind of help, and devising standards for yourself that you can live with.

Next steps:

1. Calm down. Understand how your brain works and how to interrupt the downward anxiety spiral you are in.
2. Speak up. Get some help, any way you can. Now. You will not get fired because people around you realize you are a regular (albeit super competent) human being.
3. Change your story about what a cop-out is. Please. Please. Please.
4. Once you have settled down, start doing some career exploration.
5. Then, and only then, create your long-term plan to be a tiny house dweller with a charming farm.

My heart aches for you, Dying in Silence. I only wish your situation weren’t so common. The suffering is rampant. But the power is in your hands and you must use it to save yourself. You must.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a large team of creative professionals in a US-based advertising firm. My company went to an unlimited PTO plan 18 months ago. Covid-19 weirdness aside, I am finding that my people are not taking time off and seem burnt out. I am confused by this.

I talk to each of my direct reports on a regular basis about how critical it is for them to take time when they are not on the hook for work. Back when PTO was a liability for the company, we would force people to take at least two days around normal holidays to reduce the load. Now when I encourage my people to take time, they make excuses like “it’s so hard to come back from time off,” and “project overload.”

I tried to get all team members to commit to taking time this summer and submit dates so I can manage workload and project flows, but no one is committing. Some say they aren’t comfortable traveling, but still.

Last year, I tried to institute the second Monday of every month as a mental health day with no meetings so that people could use the time to clean up email and task lists, organize, or take a slow morning. Although my group was enthusiastic, no one ended up doing it.

The research shows that people who take time away from work are more creative and productive. I can’t force people, obviously, but I really believe in vacation and downtime. How can I encourage people to take better care of themselves?

All Work

Dear All Work,

I am so accustomed to letters about how to get people to work harder that this is a breath of fresh air! There is a lot of interesting research about the unlimited PTO experiment now that it has been around for about ten years. Here is an article I found that might be helpful to you.

Your concern about your people does you credit, but you must let them be adults and figure this out for themselves. As a manager, the only way you can make proper energy management an issue is if you can objectively call out that an individual’s performance is suffering. In this case, you can request that the person take a couple of days or even a week—but even then, it will be up to them to get their performance back to standard in the best way they see fit.

The other big influencer on this situation is whether you are role modeling the behavior you are seeking. Are you taking time off? And I mean really taking it? Or do you answer emails and take phone calls when you are supposed to be off? My favorite is the email that comes in that says “I know you are on vacation, but I was hoping you might ….” If you actually respond to those, you are literally training your people that there is no such thing as real vacation. You are also sending the message that you don’t trust people to make decisions or to operate without your supervision for a week.

I am not saying it is easy to take time off—of course, the more committed and invested you are, the more challenging it is. Take it from the woman who goes to Mongolia, where cell phones don’t work, to unplug—I know. But I agree with you that getting away is important, so I have made a big effort to make myself do it. You send a strong message about what you expect from your team by setting the example.

Some other ideas might be:

• Talk to other managers in your company. What are they doing? How are they handling the unlimited PTO thing? Counterintuitively, it does seem that the biggest problem with unlimited PTO is that people take less time off because they are worried about peer competition and perception. Possibly there needs to be a cultural message from senior leadership that people are expected to take a certain amount of time.
• Guidelines from HR? Have you received any? Maybe they were sent out and you missed them? There may be some help there.
• Make sure your people know they won’t be punished for taking time off.
• Conversely, don’t reward the martyrs who make a big, heroic show of long work hours. That would send the wrong message. I don’t mean there won’t be the occasional big push for the odd, unusual project. Constant heroics in this area means the team member either is not equipped to do the job or they have too much work. It was all fine and well to boast about all-nighters in college, but that just is not reasonable in real life.
• The two things most employees (especially parents) really want are flexibility and autonomy. They want to know that as long as they get their work done on deadline at quality, they can do what they need to do to take care of themselves and the logistics of life. I recently heard about a manager who requires her people to put on their Out of Office notice when they take a bathroom break and post on their IM exactly what they are working on at any given moment. Who wants to have someone breathing down their necks like that? Not me!
• Is performance suffering? If your people are crushing it in terms of creativity and they seem happy, maybe this isn’t even a problem; it’s just you looking for problems to solve that don’t need solving.
• Do some research on sabbaticals. You may be passionate enough about this topic that you want to propose a sabbatical program for your organization. We provide coaching for individuals who participate in a highly structured but way out of normal work paid sabbatical for a global software company. Each individual who participates reports that it is an exceptionally fun and impactful experience. Many companies provide paid time for sabbaticals. It seems to be a very effective way for employees to refresh and renew.

You are right to care about the personal sustainability of your people—but, ultimately, it isn’t your responsibility. You can only create the safest and most inspiring environment for your people. The rest is going to be up to them.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I thought I could take it, but now I am not so sure. I live in a state that is just now having an explosion of Covid-19 cases. I thought at this point things would be going back to semi-normal, yet it appears things are going from bad to worse.

My mother is in an assisted care facility and we can no longer visit her. My 87-year-old father needs me to bring him cooked meals and is going into a depression over not being able to visit my Mom.

My husband got laid off from what we thought was a secure job. There was no warning. He was told about it at work by someone in HR he didn’t know, and was walked from the building with a box just like in movies. No reason, no explanation, after fifteen years of steady promotions and top performance reviews. He is wandering around in shock. I am trying to be sympathetic but I find myself getting impatient and wanting him to start looking for another job. He’s taken out the kids’ old Xbox and is playing video games all day, and I think he’s smoking pot in the garage when he thinks I am sleeping. I want to scream.

I manage a group of project managers for a global supply chain company. Our business, deemed essential, went into a complete meltdown because of complications with China just when we were getting used to working from home and the endless video calls. I was forced to lay off half of my people. Although my company did a decent job, every one of my coworkers—those who are going, those who are staying, and my peers—are in various states of distress.

I volunteered to take a pay cut so I can only hope my job is safe, but I’m not sure if we can make our mortgage payments. My workload is insane because of the layoffs. I’m working very late every night, as are my remaining direct reports, some of whom are also dealing with young children at home. All of my close friends are also at a breaking point so I’m on the phone with them talking them off the ledge. I’m out of things to say to them.

Two of our adult children who have lost their jobs have moved back in with us to save money on rent. They are decent at the safety measures, but I just found out one of them went to a big house party last weekend—and my now-gamer husband has diabetes and asthma. You see how that might make me crazy? And our dog was just diagnosed with cancer, and there is no way we can afford the treatments.

Little things I’ve always let slide, like people leaving lights on or leaving the milk out to go sour, are sending me into a rage. I know how high the electric bill is. I know what groceries cost. We can no longer afford to be cavalier about these things.

We have had social justice riots in our town and just a mile from where I live a couple of major businesses were badly looted and my bank was burned down. My BANK! So, on top of everything else, I feel like the world is burning down and Armageddon is here.

I am exhausted. I feel like I am walking through quicksand. I know you’re going to tell me to take advantage of our EAP Therapy program—well, I did, and it didn’t go well. It took them two weeks to get back to me and another two weeks to set an appointment, and when I did get on the phone with a therapist, he was mean. He basically told me I needed to suck it up. It was everything I could do not to hang up on him.

I’ve always appreciated your answers, Madeleine, and I feel like this one is going to stump you. Are you going to tell me that I just need to suck it up? I don’t think I can. But I also don’t see an alternative.

Going Down in Flames

Dear Going Down in Flames,

Yeah. Whoa. Wow.

OK. I am not a mental health professional; I am just a coach. But more fundamentally, I am human being and my heart aches for you. Let’s just say it out loud: this is hard, hard, hard. This is the Dustbowl. This is The Blitz. Oh, wait, no. This is The Plague. It is real, and it is bad. And just when you think it can’t get worse: locusts, frogs, fire, floods.

I hope this is the hardest thing you will ever have to get through. And based on what you have already dealt with, you have evidence that you will get through it. I’m not saying there aren’t others who have it worse—there always are—but this is hard. And you have been heroic. But even heroes need time off.

So, no. I am not going to tell you to suck it up. You have had so much adrenaline and cortisol (a stress hormone) pumping through your system that you must find a way to rest. I am going to tell you to fold.

Just fold.

Take a day, two days, whatever you need, and step away from the fire fight. Crawl into a fox hole. Forget work. Take some time away. And if they fire you for it, well, so be it. It’s only a matter of time before you lose it and start yelling at your manager anyway, at the rate you are going. I won’t bore you with the neuroscience, but take my word for it when I say that a human being can take only so much and no more. So do the opposite of sucking it up. Fold.

Make your kids go to the grocery store, cook, and take food to your dad.

Email your boss and your direct reports that you are taking some time.

Fold.

Turn off your phone, go into your bathroom, lock the door, and take a long bubble bath. Then get into bed and watch Sophie’s Choice and cry through the entire thing. If that isn’t going to work for you, choose something else—Marley and Me might do it—and have a good cry. Get into bed and cry. Cry a lot. Mourn your safety and your certainty. Let yourself grieve for the past, when power bills were not an issue. Allow yourself to feel the shock of your stalwart husband reverting to adolescence. Go to your dad’s house, stand six feet away from him, and cry about your mom together. Lament the loss of your dreams and dashed expectations of what you thought this part of your life would be. Pet the dog and cry about the cancer. Just give in and feel it all.

When I was young, I thought the book of Job in the Bible was a laughable exaggeration. No more. It really is astonishing how rough things can get, and it feels awfully personal. So, go ahead and wail Why Me? at the moon.

Go for a long walk and complain out loud to yourself. Everything you are managing, putting up with, tolerating. Every protest, grumble, unfairness, injustice.

Then, revolt.

You seem to be carrying this entire load by yourself and you must insist that your perfectly able-bodied family help out. Get your (you did say adult) children who won’t turn the lights off and your husband into the living room, sit them down, and read them the riot act. You can be nice, but be firm.

Tell them you have reached your limit. They may have noticed that you were recently sobbing in bed, so possibly they have already gotten the memo. Tell your kids they need to suck it up. Behave themselves. Put the milk away. Stop taking risks. Find new jobs. Pay rent. Tell your husband exactly what he needs to do to help and contribute. He already got to fold; now he needs to step up, get online and apply for unemployment, and look for another job. Cook the meals for your dad. Chores. Something.

OK? Don’t suck it up. First, go ahead and wallow. Then you must take a stand and insist that your family join you in the pulling the cart. Decide what you can do, and simply don’t do more than that. If you keep sending the message that you can take on more, more will be handed to you. So stop sending that message.

You will get your strength back and start to see some silver linings. Things will probably get worse, but they will get better eventually. You have to settle in for the marathon and conserve your energy.

I am really sorry that your therapist was a meanie. I just don’t get that at all, but who knows, maybe he is up against it too and was having a horrible day. It happens—therapists are only human. Could you try again and get another one? Finding a great therapist is a little like finding the prince. You have to kiss a lot of frogs.

And, I am really, really sorry about your pooch. That is just adding insult to injury.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

As the world struggles for certainty in this unprecedented time, many are feeling the need to serve others in every way we can. Like most leaders we know, you may be struggling to find the best way to lead your people right now. Shouldering the responsibility of making tough decisions and taking on new challenges singlehandedly can be especially difficult. Having the encouraging support of others now is needed more than ever before.

Consider how coaching could help you and those in your organization in these ways.

• When an individual who has been capable and confident about goals or tasks in the past is no longer performing well, what coaches know about resilience can be just the thing.
• When high performing individuals are ready to become more fully rounded in their current role. By increasing opportunities and expanding a direct report’s network, development coaching can energize people to maximize their strengths. In times of crises, taking the long view can be galvanizing.
• When individuals are ready to plan their next career moves career coaching can show people how valued they are and can help an organization retain talent and develop bench strength over time. Succession planning is all of a sudden a hot topic and coaches can help your leaders to be prepared.
• When managers or direct reports need support, encouragement, and accountability to sustain recent training and turn insights into action, coaching to support learning can help people start using what they’ve learned. What investments have been made in training that are not yielding the results you need right now?
• When an organization is looking to foster an ownership mentality and a culture of self-responsibility, coaching culture work creates a wonderful work environment that supports productivity and boosts morale. Don’t let a crisis go to waste. What better time to make all of the shifts in your culture that you have always wanted to make?

Blanchard Coaching Services has worked with over 16,000 leaders and executives to increase their effectiveness and provide inspirational leadership through times of difficult change. You don’t have to go it alone. Whether for yourself, or your people we invite you to consider how coaching services can provide a strategic, supportive partnership resource. Focus, clarity, action. Coaching can help.

You can find more information about Blanchard Coaching Services here.

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the GM for a small brewery that has been shut down during the COVID-19 crisis as non-essential. However, the owner believes it is still worthwhile to stay open to serve take-out customers, which is allowed according to the shutdown rules. Because I am the GM, I have been designated as the lone onsite worker. I am happy to still have some work instead of going to zero revenue, but I am worried that I might contract the virus or bring it home to my roommates.

I thought staying open for takeout was a good idea until a few days ago, when the lockdown took effect in our area. The takeout business has now trickled to almost nil. I have tried to reason with my boss, but he insists that I need to show up for work and serve the few customers that are still coming in.

Before, I felt the risk I was taking was worth it to keep the business afloat. But now with sales slowed to a standstill, it just seems stupid to me.

Because I have asthma, my anxiety is ratcheting up as each day goes by. Can I be fired if I don’t want to work during this time? I would much rather stay safe at home and collect unemployment.

Agitated

Dear Agitated,

I can empathize with your anxiety. I recently watched a video on how to safely grocery shop and get your groceries home and stored properly. I have been doing it all wrong! We all need to seriously up our game to stay safe right now, and even then there are no guarantees.

I really can’t give you legal advice, as I am sure you are aware. All states have different regulations around the meaning of “lockdown” and “essential business.” You can probably get the detail you need on your state’s protections for employees online. To stay on top of California’s updates, I have been using the New York Times website that tracks all states. I poked around to find a real answer to your question and didn’t find much—probably because the situation you are in, although common right now, is still a fresh one. Here is one article that directly addresses the issue of how “essential” is defined—loosely—and what employees can do if they are forced to work under what they feel are unsafe conditions.

The most important thing right now is your assurance that it is safe for you to continue working. I assume the owners are providing you with everything you need to protect yourself—if not, I say you should leave right now.

Let’s say you do have all the protections you need. After educating yourself on all the precautions necessary, do you still believe you are taking a risk? My sense is that your answer is probably yes. If that is the case, you need to go back to your bosses and move past trying to talk reason to saying you are not signed up for this job. If the owners are so hell-bent on staying open, it is up to them to serve the odd customer who needs a growler filled. If that gets you fired, well, fine—then you can get unemployment. When this dark time is behind us, you can go get a new job in a company that makes the safety of their employees a priority.

If on the other hand you carefully review your situation and think, “Okay, this is safe enough, I can do this,” then why not? In another week or two, you will probably appreciate being able to get out of your house.

We have to balance our fear with common sense. I know it is hard to do. I keep convincing myself I am sick because I am short of breath, only to realize that it is because I am holding my breath. That isn’t helpful.

So move slowly, take all precautions, breathe, and stay fully present to each moment. You will know the right thing to do.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I need your advice. The coronavirus is really putting everyone in my office on edge. Clients are canceling bookings. Executives are calling emergency meetings to try to figure out a course of action. And mid-level managers like me are being pulled in a dozen different directions with multiple top-priority requests from senior leaders along with direct reports looking for answers. It’s all a little too chaotic.

I’m trying to remain calm and not get pulled into the chaos, but at the same time I know we need to come up with answers and some direction to curb the general anxiety. Any suggestions on how to get through the short term?

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.

Anxious but Optimistic

Dear Anxious but Optimistic,

I know, these are crazy times. We are all feeling skittish and finding it hard to stay calm. And for folks who normally struggle with anxiety, it’s even worse. I was concerned about getting a letter like yours because I can barely keep my own wits about me and feel less than qualified to offer advice to anyone right now. The situation we are dealing with is unprecedented for most of us. The best I can do is share some principles we might all lean on until things become clearer.

First: Calm down. It is important to know that the brain is a prediction machine. When we cannot predict what is going to happen next, the parts of our brains we use to make decisions and regulate our behavior go on tilt. Our systems become flooded with the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, which are helpful if you need to run away from a lion but overkill if you’re sitting at a desk. You probably know this as the fight or flight response. My wonderful colleague Judith Glaser suggests the alternative freeze or appease, which seems to resonate more with our modern lifestyle. It is probably most common to feel frozen as the news of the pandemic escalates.

So job one is to actively choose to calm our sympathetic nervous systems. Anything you normally would do to calm down is your friend right now. If you don’t have any good methods, now is the time to learn some.

Meditation or prayer are soothing for many, as are hobbies that can get you into a peaceful mindset such as cooking, crafts, writing, a hot bubble bath, playing games, or walking in nature. Any kind of physical exercise is a great place to start. I am grateful that I have to walk my dogs, because it would be so easy to default to staying hunched over my computer—as if staying on top of the news feed is going to help anything.

Breathing is a key calming method. If you don’t have a breathing practice, simply try breathing in on a count of 4 and breathing out on the same slow count. Repeat ten times. See? You feel better already. Try doing it with your team. Your people may think you are a loon, but it will absolutely, positively help. It is a leader’s responsibility to set the tone and be a role model, so consider staying calm to be a part of your job.

Now that you are calmer and thinking straight, remember that you have to wait for your leader’s official decisions. Once you have those, you can prioritize your own and your team’s activities and swing into action. Until then, identify what you can and cannot control. Pay attention to only what you can control and focus on that. I am sure you have regular deadlines and commitments. Just work on those. You know what you’re doing, and it will make you feel grounded and competent.

Finally, stop the incoming noise. Put down the phone. Turn off the news. Check in at pre-designated intervals to make sure you don’t miss anything critical. The media lives for this kind of crisis and their job is to ratchet up the fear so you stay glued to the screen. Don’t let someone else’s goals control your behavior—remember, you have choices.

If you get stuck at home, use the time to get to your endless to-do list of secondary chores. Change the light bulbs, clean out your closet, make the photo album from the last family trip. Do all those little things you never seem to get to. If your college-aged kids are getting boomeranged back home early (God bless you—you will require even more calming practices), plan all the stuff you never get to do as a family anymore because everyone is too busy. Play board games. Learn backgammon. Join Ancestry.com and create a family tree. Facetime with Grampy who can’t have visitors.

Wash your hands, clean your phone, and breathe.

So will I.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am uber conscientious and a perfectionist—and I can’t seem to stop. I was promoted a year ago and have a very professional and trustworthy team, but I am addicted to reviewing everyone’s work and making small edits and changes. I am staying way too late at the office and my husband is getting really annoyed with me. I know I’m overworking—but maybe more critically, I’m focused on the wrong things. I’m not paying enough attention to the tasks that are going to advance me professionally.

I know intellectually that I can’t dot every I and cross every T, but I just don’t know how to change. I keep telling myself I’m going to do things differently, but I just continue these compulsive behaviors. I’ve never found myself in this kind of situation. I used to be much more adaptable.

What do you suggest?

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

It sounds like you’re in a hard place where your behavior is causing you real suffering. The good news is that your self-awareness is breathtaking, so you have that going for you. One of two things is going on here: you are simply stuck in a big fat rut that you can succeed in blasting yourself out of, or you’re going to need some professional help to get back on an even keel.

There’s no shame in getting help. If your company has an employee assistance program, I’d highly recommend that you take advantage of it. Just a couple of sessions with a trained therapist might do you a lot of good. I’m not implying there is anything wrong with you—but you sound overwhelmed and unhappy. I don’t think it would hurt to talk things through and get some perspective.

On your own, you can do a few things immediately to shift your situation.

First, stop. Just stop. Your brain has gotten into the habit of being on an endless loop, and you have to interrupt it. Neuroscientists have a saying: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means you have well-worn neural pathways that make it easy for your brain to simply default to your usual way of operating. So STOP. Change your routine, change the scene, change it all up. Take a couple of vacation days and go for walks. Look at a horizon. Spend some time in nature. These aren’t just nice-to-haves—they all have been proven to change brain chemistry.

Next, make a list of all the habits you have created (most of which have made you successful, by the way) that need to change. It feels counterintuitive, but it is critical. You have to stop doing things that don’t serve you, so you can start doing things that do serve you. This sounds shockingly obvious, right? And yet—not everything that is simple is easy. If you want to learn more about the way we create and undo habits, you can read up on it here.

As you look to undo habits that aren’t serving you, remember that you can’t change everything at once. Prioritize the one or two things you want to stop or start that will make the biggest impact on your work processes. Maybe it is simply making a commitment to stop checking your people’s work. For example, you could announce that you will no longer be checking certain kinds of work. You can tell your team that you realize you have been overdoing the control thing, and it’s time to stop. Make sure they all understand your standards for what a good job looks like. (Please note: I don’t mean this has to be the first thing you do; it is just an example.)

Be sure to enlist others. You’ll need some support to make the changes you want to make. Discuss the situation with your manager if you can. Ask for a coach if that is possible. Enlist the help of a good friend you trust who knows you. It can be hard, but you should ask for exactly what you want and need.

Remember your past success. You know you have changed and have been adaptable in the past—you might think about looking back on what has helped you before. Self-awareness is the first step and you have that. Don’t stop there. You can do this, Stuck. You have done it before, and you can do it again. Take a step back, take a deep breath, get some perspective, set your goals, decide what to change, enlist others, and get help where you can. Help is available to you, and help is good.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team in large organization. Last spring I was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer and I underwent intense and difficult chemotherapy. I worked from home and didn’t take any undue time off, though now I wish I had. I started back at work two months ago and things are, well—weird. And really hard.

Before my illness, I used to have lunch with my boss once a week. Now she is avoiding me. One of my peers is actually hostile—he sets me up to look unprepared in meetings and is otherwise trying to make me look bad. And one of my direct reports has started to speak to me as if she is my boss, not the other way around.

Before I got sick, I was a rock star overachiever who outperformed everyone around me. I was an idea factory and could pull all-nighters to get projects done. I am just not that way anymore. I get tired—and I still have some brain fog from the chemo. I was beautiful and young and I had gorgeous hair. All that is gone now. My confidence is truly shaken. How do I get my power back and protect myself?

So Alone

Dear So Alone,

Wow. It sounds like you feel very isolated and vulnerable. I am going to do my best to help you get centered, learn how to protect yourself, and get your mojo back.

Right out of the gate, I can tell you that you are losing ground when you compare your current self to your old self. Any time we compare ourselves with someone else—including our former selves—it isn’t going to go well. It’s not a good use of your valuable brain space or your time. Let’s ask this instead: what do you have now that you didn’t have before your illness?

You may have temporarily lost your hair and your youthful, sparky brain, but you are still the same deeply intelligent, very creative, hardworking woman you have always been. I want to emphasize that you underwent massive, absurd amounts of chemotherapy without taking time off. You are, in fact, a badass warrior goddess. Who are these people who seek to undermine you? You may not be what you once were, but here you are. You have been tested in the fire and you are, in fact, stronger than you have ever been.

So. Here is what you can do now:

• Invite your boss to lunch.
• If you are pushed to respond without adequate preparation, or are otherwise bullied, stop the nonsense and say: “I have nothing to add at this time,” or “I am happy to volunteer an opinion when I have all of the context,” or “Thank you for including me, I will certainly contribute when I feel the need.”
• When you are feeling bullied by your peer, just smile and breathe and shake your head like you don’t know what he is talking about. Saying nothing, or very little, is a tremendous source of power. Use it. Men do it all the time. Only speak when you have something really useful to say, and then say it quietly. This is so radically different from your past MO that it will feel weird—but it will work if you commit and stay strong.
• Pay attention to your direct report’s little tactics to undermine you. Record each instance and also notice the way she speaks to others. She may just be one of those people who bosses everyone around. If that is true, fine; let it go. But if it is just you, you will have to warrior up—tell her to cut it out and draw clear boundaries by making explicit statements such as: “Please don’t speak to me that way,” or “I am interested in your ideas, but please offer suggestions vs. telling me what to do,” or “Please don’t give me what sound like orders, ever—and certainly not in front of others.”

The thing to remember about people behaving badly is that they will do whatever you let them get away with. So it will be up to you to stop it. Find your own words to draw boundaries and practice out loud to get comfortable. When you are prepared, she will get the message that you are strong and she’d better stop her ridiculous behavior.

You asked, “How do I get my power back and protect myself?”

First, I think we need to rework your narrative. Yes, perhaps you made an error never taking time off and coming back to work too soon. However, here you are. So let’s change the story you are telling yourself. Right now it goes something like this:

I feel weak and tired. I still have chemo brain, I’m not as fast as I was before, and I don’t retain things the same way. My boss is avoiding me because she thinks I am a loser. My peers and direct reports smell blood in the water and are circling, gunning for my job. I feel vulnerable and alone.

What if it sounded more like this:

I am a badass warrior who slayed hideous chemo and am still standing strong. I didn’t take time off and I am crushing my job heroically. My boss is dodging me because most people simply don’t know how to talk about cancer so they avoid the whole thing—which in this case means me. My peer is simply a small-minded, nasty person who was jealous of me before and is now kicking me while I am down. I won’t let him get away with his bad behavior. My direct report may be disrespectful to me, or she may simply be super bossy. I am going to stop taking it personally, figure out what is going on, and then take corrective action. I am a warrior and these people cannot take me down.

OK? See the difference? That’s how you get your power back and how you protect yourself.

My final idea for you is to use music. Music has such power. Find some kind of music that fires you up—Alicia Keyes’s This Girl is on Fire, most of Beyonce’s stuff, Sarah Bareilles’s Be Brave—whatever appeals to you. Play it on your phone and hum it as you are walking into meetings.

I spent two years managing a massive global coaching program at a New York investment bank where it was mortal combat every day. I cried in the ladies room a lot. I somehow got the idea to hum the theme music from Raiders of The Lost Ark to get me through the worst moments, and it really helped.

Remember this: take nothing personally. None of this is about you—it just feels that way because you are feeling vulnerable. Now get your armor on, play your own heroine theme song, and go take a stand for this new version of yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am at my limit and hope you can help.

I am a senior team leader with a very high performing intact team. We have a new, very inexperienced board who is wreaking havoc with the way I run my business. They are putting nonrealistic pressures on me to generate numbers that are simply not possible given our current structure.

My boss is changing my results presentations to the board without informing me or gaining my agreement so now we have a situation of overpromising and underdelivering. She will be protected, well, because she has powerful high-level sponsorship and she will be able to make it look like it was all my fault.

I have already pushed my team members beyond their limits, and I am literally having heart palpitations.

I think at this point I am so stressed that I can’t even think straight, what advice do you have for me?

Heart Palpitations

Dear Heart Palpitations,

Ah, the joys of a new board. Everybody always thinks they can do it better than you, right? OK. A couple of thoughts for you.

First, calm down. Take a step back and get some perspective. Pretend you are viewing the whole situation from a helicopter 2000 feet up. Call up a good friend and tell the whole story as if it were happening to someone else so you can get some fresh angles on it and loosen some of the emotional grip.

Another way to calm yourself down might be to talk through the worst possible case scenario here – which may or may not be your getting fired, but let’s face it, it shouldn’t involve you actually dying. So, seriously, you have to get a grip or you are no good to anybody and the next thing you know you are having a heart attack because of work, which would really be tragic.

Once you have calmed down enough and don’t feel like you have a fire alarm going off in your head at all times, sit down and think about alliances. Who do you have alliances with in the organization—or who can you create alliances with who can provide counsel or other forms of support right now? This is when you really need help from your friends and if you have been having success in the organization you definitely have some.

Don’t try to go this alone, get some help. If this is happening to you it is happening to others too and there is strength in numbers. The fact that your boss is lying and misrepresenting your presentations is deeply concerning and I think you just might have to ride that one out.

You might think about sending your correct presentations to folks you have an alliance with, who might share them with their own bosses. Just in the spirit of information sharing, but also so you have a dated record of the truth. Or even escalate to HR. Yes, she has protection, but it is possible that some behaviors are beyond the pale, and she will get what’s coming to her.

Of course, you might wonder why I am not suggesting that you just talk to your lying cheating boss; that is certainly a good idea, but I guess I am assuming you have tried that or think it won’t make a difference.

Finally, you say you can’t achieve the deliverables with your current structure, which implies that you might be able to with a different structure. What if you were to come up with the structure that would allow you to hit the required numbers and make a case for the resources to build a new structure? Be creative and pro-active. If you review your worst possible case scenario, you might see that you don’t have anything to lose.

But first…get that stress under control, it is no joke. Once you lower your adrenaline and cortisol levels you will find that you are much better at creative problem solving. Put your hand over your heart, tell yourself that everything is going to be OK and take a deep breath in. Deep breath out. Deep breath in….

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I work in a membership organization with a very old-fashioned outlook and a hierarchical structure. I am not a manager, but I did have one direct report at a previous employer. I am very interested in management and leadership and intend to have other management roles in the future.

Management practices here, although not toxic, are very poor. A couple of examples: beyond the broadest headline results, no one is allowed to know the decisions made at the monthly senior management meeting, even if you submit a topic for consideration. You certainly can’t attend in person to present. Offices are in an open plan that is set apart from the senior managers, who never venture out of their areas to engage with their teams.

I’m not planning to remain here very long, but I need to gain some specific skills and knowledge before I move on. My question is this: do you have any suggestions on how to deal with poor management, apart from sucking it up and learning more about how not to do things? I feel very much alone in delivering my objectives, although my manager fondly believes she is supporting me.

I know I can’t singlehandedly change this organization’s culture. I do my best to be professional and positive, but I am often seething inside. I’d be very grateful for your perspective.

Seething

Dear Seething,

I think in some organizations, your point of view might be sought out and welcomed—but probably not in yours. The passionate experts of best management and leadership practices will all tell you that the people and organizations who most need improvement are the ones who are the most oblivious and the most resistant to it. It is the way of the world, sadly.

It is possible your organization would be open to hearing your opinions during your exit interview, especially if you are an exemplary employee. And, of course, you can always write a review on Glass Door, or leave some of your favorite management books lying around the office. If your manager actually seems to care about supporting you, clueless though she may be, take the opportunity to ask her questions and seek to understand her experience, approach, and point of view. Understanding and walking in another’s shoes may help you manage your rage.

Which brings me to the seething thing, which is cause for concern. Anger can be useful. It can help you identify your own needs and values, which in this case is clearly happening. However, unexpressed anger can literally make you sick or cause you to blow up at work in a way that will tank any chance of getting a glowing recommendation. So I encourage you to find a way to simmer the seething. How, you might ask? The most obvious way is to get out of there as soon as possible—but you know that. You say you have some specific knowledge and skills to gain before moving on, but I wonder if those are worth the cost. You have made the decision, though, so you may have blinders on to the possibility that you could acquire those skills someplace more aligned with your values.

If you insist on sticking with your plan, here are some other ideas:

• Pay attention to what is working at your organization. They can’t all be total buffoons. The more you obsess about what management does wrong, the more evidence you will find to support your case. We all do this. It is a form of confirmation bias, and it is worth noticing in yourself. Flip what you pay attention to and start to notice what they do well, or even half decently.

• Meditate. Ten minutes of meditation has been shown to lower blood pressure—significantly—and keep it down for the whole day. Google it. There a million apps that will help you.

• Get more exercise. A couple of extra kickboxing classes a week wouldn’t hurt. Just calm down some of that adrenaline.

• Find the humor. Create a stand-up routine for your group of friends. Start a funny anti-bad-manager blog. Where do you think Dilbert came from?

• Vent with a friend who doesn’t mind it. Set a timer for seven minutes and just let ‘er rip. Then stop and move on.

Ultimately, if you really can’t change a situation, your only choice is to change how you respond to it. You have an opportunity right now to make the decision to choose a different response. Until you can get out, your best bet is to challenge yourself to do that. Treat this like the AFGO (Another Freaking Growth Opportunity) it is. AFGO’s are never particularly welcome or fun, but they sure are valuable.

Sorry.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

What should I do about all of the requests I get from people who want to “pick my brain” or schedule an informational interview? My friends’ kids are all reaching the age where they are getting serious about having lucrative careers and satisfying jobs, and they’re all following the advice they’re getting to talk to people who have the jobs they think they might want some day. I have to be honest—I gave that advice to my own kid.

The problem is that if I said yes to all the young—and not-so-young—people who ask, I wouldn’t have time to do my actual job. I do have a great job. I’ve been lucky and worked hard. I don’t want to be a jerk, but one more request to have coffee will push me over the edge. How do other people handle this?

In Demand

Dear In Demand,

That’s a good question—and I had no idea how to answer it, so I asked around and did some Googling. The first thing that became clear is that the frustration is real and universal. Many report that it seems the folks who are requesting an informational interview are actually hoping you might be interested in hiring them or recommending them to someone else.

One woman I know who has a very cool job now does a 30-minute webinar once a month. When she gets a request, she just replies with an email or text invite with the date, time, and link for the next group call. She shares a couple of things that people might not know about her industry and then does Q&A. Sometimes she gets 3 people, and once she had upwards of 30. I thought that was a creative way to deal with way too many requests.

Most people I talked to came up with variations on putting the work back where it belongs—with the person making the request. Ask the requester to send you an email with their specific questions. Advise them to ask questions that they can’t get answered with a little bit of research. If enough people do this, and you write back enough answers, you can create an FAQ that you just respond with. To those who ask really insightful questions, you might offer a 15-minute phone call.

One very successful guy I know invites the interesting and insistent people to meet him at his local park to walk his two dogs with him at 5:00 a.m. That seems to really limit the field to those who are truly committed to a meeting!

You can’t be all things to all people, so you are right to set some boundaries and get a grip on this. Experiment with some of these ideas and find what works best for you. The people who are willing to meet you halfway and will be grateful and will self-select in, and those that are just checking a box will fall away.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

A couple of years ago I moved from working in the bio/life sciences private sector to a government agency. It was a big adjustment, as you can imagine. Then, nine months ago, my direct supervisor was abruptly let go and I was tapped to be the boss. There was no due process, interviewing, or anything—I was just handed the job.

I was thrilled at first, but had no idea what a mess I was stepping into. I was put in the position of managing the people who were my peers, and they have all been here much longer than I have. I know some of them have struggled to not hold this promotion against me, but others have just let their hate flag fly.

If that weren’t enough, my new supervisor seems unstable. I never know what her mood will be. She starts every conversation with the problem of the day and wants me to help her understand who is to blame and how to punish them. I can’t really read her, but I can usually expect her to be hostile.

I am also dealing with some health problems that require multiple doctors’ visits but am afraid to share any information with my boss as I am certain it will not remain confidential. She thinks I’m slacking because I often take long lunches while at doctor appointments.

I am inspired by the mission of the agency, and I think I can really make an impact here—but I think the stress might just kill me. Thoughts?

Stress-o-Rama

Dear Stress-o-Rama,

Whoa. OK. Let’s review: you’re still adjusting to a government institution culture, your direct reports at the very least resent you and at worst hate you, and your boss is hostile and unpredictable. Is it possible your health issues are stress related? It doesn’t take an MD to suspect a correlation. Even if they are not related because you had them before all of this, it’s very possible the stress will make things worse. The research is unequivocal on this—and come on, did we really need the research to tell us?

First things first, my dear: your health. When people say things like “the stress might kill me,” they actually mean what they are saying, even if they don’t realize it. All the language we use that we pass off as metaphor is literal. That guy is a pain in the neck, this situation is crushing my back, she makes me sick, this job is sucking my soul out of me, my heart is broken. It is real. We are speaking the truth. And we all need to stop and listen to ourselves—me included—but right now, mostly you.

I appreciate that you are inspired and that you see how you could make an impact, but if the stress kills you, that won’t happen. Now you’re going to think I’m being dramatic, but I’m just going to say it. Stop. Breathe. Create an escape hatch. Go to HR, tell them about your health situation, and take some medical leave to get your sanity back. Go to your doctors’ appointments, learn to meditate, get acupuncture, go for long walks, speak to a counselor, create an action plan to get the likely direct reports on your side, and create a strategy to manage the nasty boss. Take two weeks, at least. Take PTO if you have to. You owe it to yourself to get the space you need to lower your stress level and craft a way to manage the multiple fronts on which you need to fight. Let’s be clear: I am not talking about taking a vacation. I am talking about taking a big step back, putting your self-care first, and putting a battle plan together with all of your wits about you. Get support from your best friends, your significant other, your parents. Devote yourself full time to getting yourself on an even keel and ready for what is to come.

With a little distance, you may see that you will not win here under any circumstance. That would be good data and something you can act on. Or you may see how you can win, get back into the game, and make the impact you so desire. But the breathing room and clarity you’ll get with a little distance are key. A couple of tools you can use immediately to calm yourself down:

• Meditation. No one has an excuse not to meditate, because you don’t need a book or a class anymore. All you need is to use a free app for 10 minutes a day. 10 minutes of meditation will lower your blood pressure from the first time you do it—and keep it down for the entire day. I have seen this work for the least likely, highest strung people in the highest stress situations. It is real. It works. Do it. 10 minutes.
• Morning Pages. This is a tool that was introduced in Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. Now I really am dating myself because it was originally published 28 years ago—but some things just stand the test of time, and this is one of them. It is super simple; first thing in the morning, even while you are still in bed, you write, longhand, in a stream of consciousness, for three pages. A legal pad, a journal, a notebook, whatever. That’s it. This benefits everyone in slightly different ways, but the number one response I have heard is that it lowers the static—the noise level in your head. Do it. It will take you 9 minutes and you have nothing to lose.

So I’ll bet you won’t take time off. Very few people do when they most need to. But maybe you will try meditating and/or morning pages. Either way, I really, really hope you make a concerted effort to calm yourself down so you can think straight, get your priorities in order, and stop thinking you might actually die. Keep me posted, please. Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am an entrepreneur trying to grow my business while trying to also have a life. I know I have some bad habits that I should probably correct and I want to develop good habits moving forward. What are your thoughts on this?

Want to Get it Right

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Want to Get it Right,

You are smart to be thinking about this. And you are right that habits can really make the difference between success and anything less than success.

First, the basics: A lot of research has been done on habits. There is strong support for establishing regular routines that add up to small wins over the day. Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit, calls these keystone habits. They help us to exert more self control over our emotional states, act less impulsively, and stay focused on what we think is most important.

Getting up at the same time, eating a healthy breakfast, and making the bed are examples. Habits like these tend to build on themselves and create a virtuous circle. You can start by looking back at times that you have been at your best and see if you had any habits then that seemed to keep you in the zone. If that doesn’t yield anything worthwhile, experiment with small things you think would make you feel great—then slowly keep what works and weed out what doesn’t. If, as you mention, you have habits you know for sure are not serving you, Duhigg has some very good ideas on how to stop them.

Some tips:

• Don’t try to do everything at once—tackle one bad habit at a time.
• Get support—a buddy, a group, a way to track success. Any and all positive reinforcement is good.
• Substitute a bad habit with something good. For example, instead of going outside for a smoke, go outside for a walk around the block.

Research also shows that people who exercise are more likely to follow through with other habits that contribute to success. Exercise is one of the hardest things to fit in to a 24/7 work scenario, but cracking that code will absolutely serve your highest and best good.

My regular readers will roll their eyes at me, because I am a broken record on this: developing a habit of counting your blessings contributes to better brain chemistry as well as more creativity, resilience, and happiness. All it means is for you to regularly list the things you are grateful for. The great thing is that you can do it while you are walking around the block, waiting at a stop light, or standing in line at the market.

Now the work stuff.

When I was starting out as an entrepreneur, the book that rocked my world was The E-Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber. Clearly, I am not alone because Gerber has made himself the guru for small business and has a ton of wisdom to offer. I have used these concepts from Gerber again and again for myself and with clients:

• Anything that gets done regularly needs a clearly articulated and written process. Regular processes help a business run smoothly. This sounds obvious—but I’ll bet if you look around, there are some areas where you don’t have one.
• Don’t spend time on anything that someone else could be doing. As the head of your business, you are a finite resource. You have to drive down tasks and problems that some one else can take care of. By doing this, you free yourself and empower others.
• Many entrepreneurs move fast and find explaining things over and over again to be boring.  So, be clear about the vision for the business, and the values you use to make decisions and then repeat.  Repeat long after you are bored silly, and then keep repeating.

As a lifelong student of success, I have experimented with lots of other ideas from Hyrum Smith, Steven Covey, David Allen, and others. Some habits that have made a difference for me are these:

• Put yourself first—because if you go down, the whole house of cards goes down. To go the distance you will need to practice radical self-care: sleep, good food, lots of water, exercise, some fun, and rest. (Rest does not mean watching TV, although that can count as fun. Rest means prayer, meditation, staring at the horizon, reading for fun, cooking for fun.)
• Decide what, after your own health, is most important to you and say no to everything else. Just say no. If you can’t, start with maybe and then say no. Be brutal. Get used to disappointing people. It is hard at first, but it gets easier.
• Do the hard stuff first: visioning, strategy, emotional conversations, creative problem solving, etc. I tend to not be great at that kind of stuff at the end of the day. Neuroscience research supports this as well.
• Look at the calendar every day for the crazy makers—in-person meetings that have no transportation time between them. Phone or web meetings with no call-in numbers or link. Meetings you need to prepare for that have no prep time already carved out. No breaks for food. Hour-long meetings that should be 15 minutes. Meetings that you shouldn’t be in at all. Eliminate time wasters, surprises, and stuff that will make you late. I guarantee this: the minute you take your eye off of it, your calendar will be the bane of your existence. (Of course, if you don’t keep a calendar, this would be a good time to start.)
• Write everything down, even if you think you will remember it. Maybe you will, at this point in your journey. You probably have a great memory now, but as life gets more complicated (hyper growth! Lawsuits! Kids! Dogs! Aging parents!) you just won’t be able to keep track of it all. And your memory will decline inevitably as you age, much as I hate to say it, so having good systems to keep track of all the stuff you need to do and think about will be a habit you are grateful for.
• Automate and/or delegate anything you can. With the online services available today, it is amazing what errands you can eliminate.
• Keep your eye on your social media habits – anything that isn’t helping you be successful is quite literally a waste of your most valuable resource.  Don’t forget the job of the news people is to keep you paying attention to the news, don’t let yourself get sucked in.  Stay off of social media-  unless you are looking at puppies on Instagram, that is actually good for your brain.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve had my eye on a position that might be opening in my company. It would be a big step for me, but I think this is the job I have always wanted.

My problem is that the minute I start even thinking about applying, I feel overcome with anxiety and literally break into a cold sweat. Then I hear a voice in my head saying, “Who the heck do you think you are?”

How do I get up the nerve to pursue this? I am not even sure I want the job, but how will I ever know if I get so anxious I can’t even think about it? Help!

Riddled with Doubt

Dear Riddled,

It is rare to have so many topics covered in such a short question, so I will take them in turn, in order of priority.

1. You need to get some help with your anxiety before you do anything else. We all deal with some anxiety, but yours is interfering with your life. This is the definition of an emotional or psychological condition that needs to be addressed. Anxiety is tricky. It creeps up on you slowly and backs you into a corner before you even realize what is happening. So I am telling you, point blank, you are in a corner and you need to get some help. There are some excellent tools available to help you tame your anxiety. If those don’t work…well, a professional can help you.
2. You have had your eye on this job, so clearly you can see yourself in it. Do you think you have the skills and competencies required to apply and be taken seriously? More important, do you trust yourself to be able to learn quickly and grow into the job in a reasonable amount of time?

In another part of your email you stated you are a female. As a woman, your social conditioning does leave you at a disadvantage when it comes to putting yourself out there. The statistics are varied, but the one I see most consistently says that men tend to apply for opportunities when they have just 60 percent of the qualifications, while women generally don’t apply unless they are 100 percent qualified. The various reasons for this are outlined in this article that might interest you.

Ultimately, the rules that make someone successful in school don’t really apply to working in large systems. The way to get ahead and continually find challenges for yourself will require you to take risks. You will fail, but you will also succeed. As many have said, if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “no.”

3. I was struck by your use of the language “Who do you think you are?” This is language we hear from people in childhood designed to keep us in our place. It is cruel and demeaning. And here you are, using it on yourself! Cut it out. Honestly. It isn’t as if you are proposing to perform brain surgery with no training. You are simply thinking about maybe trying for a new and different job that may be interesting.

I would ask you to answer that question realistically. Who do you think you are? What are your skills and strengths? What experience do you have? What do you bring to the table that maybe no other applicant has? To get a new perspective on this, you might try taking that Values in Action Strengths Assessment—it’s free and fun. It will help you answer that question more positively than you otherwise might.

This is kind of old news, but I love it so much and it has not lost its power—and you may never have seen it. It is from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love and it was quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inauguration speech:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone—and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Finally, Riddled, get your friends and family on board here. Ask anyone for support that you know loves you and wants the best for you. Get a handle on the anxiety, stop playing small, get support, and go for it. Start with some deep breathing. Breathing never hurts, and always helps.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am terrible at my job and it is only a matter of time before I get fired. I don’t like any of my direct reports. I am supposed to do one-on-ones with them, but I find them so boring and whiny I can barely listen to them.

I am making errors because I can barely pay attention. My boss quit unexpectedly about three months ago and my motivation has gone downhill since then. I used to care and love coming to work, but everything has lost its luster. Help! I feel so…

Lost

Hi Lost,

I am so sorry. You sound very downtrodden and sad. You need to get immediate help. Go to HR and find out about any possible Employee Assistance Program that might be available. My company is tiny and there are posters for the EAP in the break room—I’ll bet your company has something that can get you at least a confidential session with a trained counselor.

It sounds like you are in grips of a serious depression, possibly triggered by your boss’s departure. This is not something to shrug off. This is serious, and you need to get help. Depression is fiendish and it makes you feel hopeless, but treatment can help. For more detail about depression try this website.

So the first thing to do is to try to get yourself some professional help. Next, call your best friend or a parent or a sibling—someone you can rely on to have your best interests at heart—and tell them how you are feeling. Get someone who knows you and loves you on your team right now and let them support you in getting the help you need.

Then make a list of things that would normally give you pleasure—playing with a dog, taking a bubble bath, walking in the woods, etc. Get outdoors. If activities that normally give you pleasure do not, then you are definitely suffering from depression. If they do give you some pleasure, all the better.

Please get help.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been with the same organization for eight years. My company offers anyone who has been here for seven years a reduced pay, three-month sabbatical. My boss keeps pestering me to schedule it and take one. (I totally get that this is a good problem for me to have.)

I don’t have a partner or kids. I know I should take advantage of this opportunity, but I have no idea what to do! I have been thinking about it for years and have always thought something would come to me, but it hasn’t. I am interested in a few things, but none quite enough to take a pay cut and leave the flow of my job.

I am at the point now where I think maybe I’m just not that interesting a person if all I really care about is my job. I am also worried that I will take my sabbatical, it won’t be the best thing ever, and I will have wasted my time and money. Any ideas would be appreciated because I feel stumped and—

Pressured

Dear Pressured,

I think the pressure to do something brilliant with your sabbatical makes it hard to be creative. My first thought was how jealous I am—but then I started wondering what the heck I would do if I had three months of footloose and fancy free. It is, in fact, kind of hard unless you’ve always wanted to write a book or travel all over the world, or unless you have an extensive bucket list.

I don’t know that you need my ideas, but I do have a couple of thoughts for you. Maybe, if we’re lucky, my readers will have some more suggestions in the comment section.

• What do you do in your free time? There might be some clues there. If you cook, maybe cooking school? If you do yoga, a yoga retreat?
• Do you volunteer? Maybe there are service opportunities in that area.
• You could go talk to your HR partner and see what other people have done. Your company may have service opportunities for sabbaticals in place. One of the organizations we work with has something called a Social Sabbatical where employees get to go do service work for a month. The company that organizes it is called Pyxera Global.
• Use my BFF Google to come up with some ideas. Look at this site I found: 100 Things to do with Your Sabbatical. I want to do about 92 of them.
• Talk to your friends. If you have always talked about wanting to do something specific, they will know.
• Is there something specific you could learn that would make you even better at your job? That might be an avenue.

The most important thing is to do a bunch of research. Then put a stake in the ground and take the leap. Just changing up your routine and learning something new will be good for your brain and your soul. It probably doesn’t have to be the whole three months—maybe you will only want to take a month or two. Anything you do will be an experience and a learning opportunity. But if you don’t take the opportunity to do something, I am afraid you will regret it.

Let me know what you end up choosing.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

Our company went to “unlimited PTO” about 16 months ago.  The idea was to try it out for a year and re-evaluate.  The re-evaluation period was moved to the 18-month mark, so it hasn’t happened yet.   

You would think the problem would be people abusing the policy but I have the opposite one: my people are not taking any vacation.  Back in the day when we had a “use or lose it” policy, I had to stay on people’s cases to take their PTO and they would, but now that time off is at the employee’s discretion, I can’t get people to take their vacation. 

I have a team of nine folks and every single one of them seems to feel worried about taking reasonable time off. I am worried that people are going to burn out.  Can I make my people take time off?  What to do? I feel like I need to call a…

Time Out

Dear Time Out,

This is certainly an interesting and trending topic, and you are not alone trying to navigate the dynamics that come with such a big change.  I found an interesting post on this that may help you.

Based on my experience with clients and my own team, I would have anticipated that people not taking time off would be the problem with unlimited PTO.  In fact, the first time I heard of it a couple of years back, I thought, “Oh God, people are never going to stop working! They’re just going to work themselves into an early grave.” In some cultures this is literally true, but that is because of a cultural expectation that people work massive amounts of overtime.  

In Western cultures at least, it would seem that giving people the option to manage their own workload, get their jobs done in the agreed upon timeframe, and take care of their personal lives with flexibility could only be a good thing.  Such an approach treats people like responsible, sensible adults.  But in some organizations many people are burdened with unreasonable workloads.  Some employees are poor judges of how long certain tasks will take, so they take on too much.  Other employees burden themselves by taking on more than they should.  The very ambitious sometimes seek to assure their promotability by simply outworking their peers.  It is up to the manager to figure this out and gauge the proper workload for each person.

In certain sectors people are going to be more affected by high performance pressure than others, making it feel unsafe for people to take time off.

People avoid taking time off for many reasons: For example, they:

• Feel they are indispensable and believe nobody else can do the job they do.
• Worry their customers will be upset by their absence.
• Succumb to FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)—they don’t want to miss getting in on an exciting project.
• Fear being judged—they don’t want to be seen as a slacker.
• Bank their hours for a “rainy day”—rather than taking a big vacation, they save their hours in case an unexpected illness or emergency requires them to be out of the office

You, as the manager, need to discuss PTO with every person you lead.  Each individual is going to have a different concern and you can work with them to alleviate those concerns.  You can also work as a team to assure that plans are made in advance and people are properly covered during their time off.

The benefit of the unlimited PTO policy is that it provides people with flexibility in their work day to attend to family or other personal matters without having to submit paperwork.  The danger is that people won’t take the time they need to rest, play, and get a change of scenery—activities that research shows are critical to mental and physical health.

You are the leader of your group.  Make it clear to your people that you expect them to take vacation time, rest time, time to go to doctors’ appointments, and other kinds of self-care. Show them you mean it by doing these things yourself. Have you planned your own vacation?

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In working with 149 adults from different business and networking groups, Matthews found that

• Those who wrote their goals accomplished significantly more than those who did not write their goals. (+18 percentage points)
• Those who sent their commitments to a friend accomplished significantly more than those who wrote action commitments or did not write their goals. (+21 percentage points)
• Those who sent weekly progress reports to their friend accomplished significantly more than those who had unwritten goals, wrote their goals, formulated action commitments or sent those action commitments to a friend. (+33 percentage points)

Importantly, Matthews found that the improvement held up on goals ranging from completing a project, increasing income, increasing productivity, getting organized, enhancing performance/achievement, enhancing life balance, reducing work anxiety or learning a new skill.

Ready to stack the deck in your favor with a key goal for this year?

1. Write it down.
2. Email it to a friend.
3. Set up a recurring meeting to send your friend a progress report.

Yes, you’ll be making yourself vulnerable and accountable—but you’ll also be setting yourself up for success.  Here’s to a successful and goal achieving 2018!

Learn more about Matthews study here.

Dear Madeleine,

When I met my husband, he was attending a prestigious business school. He graduated top of his class and was aggressively recruited by a big company. We thought he would rise quickly, get regular salary increases, and it would all be rosy. In the meantime, I would help out working as an admin and then I would stay home with the kids.

Well, he didn’t rise—in fact, he was let go after 18 months. Then he was fired from his next job. In all, he has been “downsized,” as he says, four times and is currently unemployed.

My plans to work and then stay home have gone in a different direction. It turns out I am really good at what I do and I really like working. My company paid for me to go to grad school at night, I have risen through the ranks, and now have an excellent job managing a team of professionals in a growing industry. I mostly do the second shift to allow me to spend time with our kids.

I keep trying to help and encourage my husband, but it’s not going well. When I make suggestions, he accuses me of lording my success over him. He rants about how smart he is and how well he did in business school. He says despite what I might think, I am really just a glorified admin, which really hurts my feelings.

My husband refuses to accept responsibility for anything that has happened. I am at a loss for how I can help him anymore. He is so depressed now he can barely get off the couch, much less show up well for a job interview. What would you do?

Can’t Help

Dear Can’t Help,

I am sorry your plans as a couple haven’t worked out the way you expected, but I am thrilled you found a job you are good at and enjoy.

My short answer about how you can help your husband is this: you can’t. Your husband has an underlying issue he is not dealing with that is keeping him from growing up and developing self-awareness about the part he has played in his work experiences.

When a person has had a lot of opportunity, has failed repeatedly, and then blames everyone but themselves for their lack of success, it is often due to a deeper problem—sometimes substance abuse or a personality disorder. Those two things are traditionally what keep people from being able to show up with their best foot forward and tell the truth about what is happening to them.

Sometimes people really do have terrible luck—but the fact that your husband is mean to you when you have clearly been supportive of him is an indicator that there is more going on here.

You and your husband need professional help. I am not sure what kind—but starting to work with a counselor or therapist would be a good first step. A professional will know what to look for and can recommend the right direction. Not every professional is going to be a good fit, so trust your own gut.

If your husband won’t go, go by yourself and get the support you need to take care of yourself. It is not unkind or unfeeling of you to stop providing help to someone who has not asked for it and in fact repays it with meanness. At this rate, you are going to run out of steam before too long, so I highly recommend you put yourself and your kids first.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I hate my job. I am just bored to tears. When I completed graduate school, I was recruited into what I thought was the perfect job for me—the job description was exactly what I was looking for. A year later, I am doing a ton of mindless administrative work and almost none of what was in the original job description.

I have tried to speak to my boss about this, but she says I need to pay my dues and that she will consider me for the next project that would suit my skills. In the meantime, my peers keep dumping their admin work on me.

I dread going to work. I have stopped going to the gym and I fear I am sliding into full-on depression, which I have a history with. It scares me. I would quit, but of course I have crushing student debt now. What do you think?

Bored to Tears, Maybe to Death

Dear Bored to Tears, Maybe to Death,

This is a terrible situation and I am so sorry. It must be really demoralizing to spend the money and make the big effort to complete an advanced educational program and then find yourself in a job that is killing your soul.

It sounds as if you are in a very bad way. Depression is no joke. I highly recommend that you find a therapist right now, I mean right this minute, to talk to and get some perspective. Given the details you provided, I suspect your company has an Employee Assistance Program and that you can probably get six sessions with a therapist. It will be totally private and will get you back on an even keel, back in the gym, and able to think straight. Exercise has been proven to be an excellent hedge against anxiety and depression, so get moving.

Once you have stopped the downward spiral, you will need to start an upward spiral. I hate to say it, but this probably involves looking for a new job. You may be able to make a go of it where you are now, but you would need to set a whole lot of boundaries and train everyone around you to see you in a new way.

Unfortunately, your boss and your peers have been getting away with treating you unfairly. I really don’t want to be mean, but people will continue unacceptable behavior as long as you allow it—and you have allowed it. Unless there was an upfront disclosure about having to pay dues with tasks that were not in your original job description, you seem to be the victim of some kind of bait-and-switch situation.

You didn’t say anything about salary, but I suspect they are underpaying you as well. And they will keep doing it as long as you put up with it. You may choose to have the hard conversation with your boss about how she needs to either upgrade all of your work assignments—now—or risk losing you. That conversation will go a whole lot better if you feel safe to leave, meaning you have another option.

The good news is that you have a graduate degree and a year’s worth of work experience under your belt. I think it is worth the push to brush up your resume and try hard to start over with a new organization and a new boss—who won’t take advantage of you because you won’t let them.

Get into action. In this order:

1. Get immediate help. Talk to a therapist, talk to friends, go to the gym.
2. Once stable, start applying for other jobs.
3. Use the new job possibility as leverage to fix your current situation; or simply walk away from people who do not have your back and go toward people who do.

It is really hard to stand up for yourself, Bored TTMTD, so you are going to need a lot of support. You are going to want to nurture your inner warrior. You might consider looking at Amy Cuddy’s work—her book is Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. The validity of some of her research has been challenged, but that does not diminish the power of her experience and work helping people who feel powerless to rise to a difficult occasion.

I am glad you wrote. I am sorry you are in such a rough spot. Get help. Now.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Since I almost always ponder life through the filter of coaching, this brings to mind three of my recent clients:

–A leader who could feel herself heading toward overwhelm—not sleeping well, having to work hard in order to stay focused, feeling off her normal game and generally unbalanced.

–A client who felt stuck and frustrated—spinning his wheels on a project and going nowhere fast.

–A colleague who referred to her days as inefficient—bouncing from one thing to another and not getting anything fully completed.

As I thought about how to help these people, I was reminded again of something we as professional coaches often experience.  When common themes start showing up in our clients, it’s a signal to investigate the same theme in our own lives. “Know thyself” is a great piece of advice. Where was I feeling stuck? Where was I working hard but not getting results? How balanced did I feel?

This is something you may have experienced as well.  What trends have you been noticing in others that may be an internal signal for yourself?

Here are three ways to know when to grab for the mask:

1. You find yourself coaching everyone on the same focus topic
2. You feel off—not at your best—over time
3. You aren’t sleeping well

And here are three ways to begin a course correction:

1. Be aware—notice it. Claim it.
2. Breathe deeply—it is one of the best ways to reconnect brain and body, and can be done anywhere and anytime.
3. Practice the three Ps: Pause, Pray, and Ponder (or meditate)

Know when to reach for the oxygen mask. Take care of yourself so that you can continue to serve others. And don’t forget to breathe!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager in what is essentially a call center. I am hoping you can help me. I am too nice. 

I am a giver; I come from a long line of nice, generous givers. My Mom ran a dentist’s office and headed several volunteer committees, headed up events at our church and was forever dropping off casseroles for someone in the neighborhood who was having a crisis. 

People were always calling her and asking for help, money, favors. And while it irked me watching people take advantage of her sweet, patient generosity, I have somehow turned into her. People are taking advantage of me at work and in my personal life. 

The result is that I am a worn down frazzled wreck. I am exhausted all the time. I am neglecting the people I really care about, and certainly myself. My friends tell me that I need to have boundaries and say no, but I just don’t know how to do it. Help?

Worn Out

Dear Worn Out,

Givers are critical to communities and organizations, so on the behalf of humanity, I thank you.  And, I hear your pain and I have the prescription for you. Dr. Henry Cloud literally wrote the book on this: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life and you should get it STAT.

It is written specifically for Christians, but it works even if you aren’t Christian. Dr. Cloud helps people understand how to manage in a culture that encourages people to be nice and giving.

Having trouble with boundaries is often tied to deep seated psychological needs paired with strongly held values and requires more expertise, time and space to address than I can offer in a short blog post.  Dr. Cloud’s book will help you understand what is driving your behavior, and offer tips to help you overcome your resistance to changing it.  I can however, offer a couple of tactical tips that you might think about trying out immediately.

From this moment on don’t say “yes.”  To anything.  You don’t have to say no, not yet, that is the advanced class.  But when someone–anyone– asks you to do something, say “maybe, let me check my schedule and my commitments,” or “I would love to help out, let me think about it, check with my boss, discuss with my spouse…” Then say:  “Please check back with me next week and I will let you know.”  You may not want to do this with your boss, but you certainly can with anyone else.  This last part is important because it keeps the responsibility for follow up on the requestor – it isn’t one more thing you have to remember to do.

Make a list of what is most important to you and put everything in priority order.  Here is an example I have seen from others.

1. My Spouse and Kids
2. My Faith
3. My Parents
4. My Health & Well being
5. My Career

I personally have struggled and don’t always succeed at putting my own health and well being in the top three but I highly recommend that you try it.  Every time you help someone else, you are actually putting their needs before your own and causing more stress in your life. You need to ask yourself the hard question—are they worth it? You may be surprised that many of the people you go out of your way to help are at the bottom of your list, or not actually even on it.

Every time you consider something someone has asked you to do, check your other commitments to determine what is most important to you and see if you can fit it in.  Chances are you can’t without compromising your commitments to what you have said is at the top of your list.  Put your list on post it notes and place them everywhere you hang out, as a constant reminder.  This is just something to think about for now, when you start your serious work on boundaries, it will come in handy.

Reset expectations. You have trained untold amounts of people to believe that you will jump immediately to help them.  You will need to re-train them, and they will resist. Start by getting time on your side. Do not pick up the phone unless it is someone on your list.  Do not respond to texts right away from anyone not on your list.  Do not even open emails from someone not on your list except for at designated moments in your work day.  Take a deep breath, choose to do something that is a priority and move along.

If you put some time and space between yourself and the person who needs your immediate help, they will almost always find somebody else to help them by the time you loop back to them.

Repeat to yourself “I am not an infinite resource.” Remember, nobody is going to be served if you end up in the hospital with a case of whatever from wearing yourself down.

You are going to have to make some hard changes – get Dr. Cloud’s book or any other book on this topic and get to work. I am rooting for you Worn Out, truly I am.  You are an amazing, kind, and generous person.  You are also an endangered species that must be protected.  We need more people like you in the world, so please treat yourself like the precious resource you are.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Looking for some relief? Recent research confirms that a little proactive self leadership results in significantly less strain (and more energy) at the end of your workday.

See for yourself by giving one—or all three—of these strategies a try.

Ask for Feedback

Tomorrow morning, try a bold start to your day. Ask for feedback from your manager, colleagues, or staff members: “Would you be willing to share one piece of feedback, based on your experience or observation, that you think would help me do my job better today?”

Neuroscience provides evidence that asking for feedback sets up a more responsive brain condition. Requesting feedback delivers the information you need when you need it, but also results in less defensiveness—meaning you are more likely to hear what you need to hear and act on it.

So, when you learn something of value, act on it! Put what you’ve learned to use. Asking for feedback and then acting on it will demonstrate the willingness to learn and grow and the courage to be honest. What’s more, others will see it as a valuable example of proactive behavior.

Identify Solutions to Problems

Ask people what is getting in the way of their being more productive and many will half-jokingly point to their manager, an irritating coworker, or an unreasonable client. Instead of bemoaning your manager who “doesn’t get it,” why not be proactive and sell your solution? Follow these four steps:

1. State the problem or issue in one clear sentence, including the implications for you and others if the situation isn’t improved.
2. Generate three solutions with the pros and cons of each solution. One of the solutions should be the one that you believe will solve the problem based on your experience and insight. But as good as your idea may be, you need to generate two more. Three is the magic number.
3. Identify the decision makers and present to them your three solutions and the pros and cons for each—not revealing which one you think is best.
4. After presenting all three solutions, provide your recommendation for the solution you think is best, along with the rationale for why. Then, seek agreement.

This technique has been proven to create either the change you desire or a valuable learning moment. Either way, you experience less stress and more energy.

Be Proactive

Stop waiting to be given authority. Be proactive.

It’s been said authority is 20 percent given and 80 percent taken. If you have a solution to a nagging problem or an idea for improving efficiency on a particular task or project, don’t let yourself get frustrated by the permission process or the hoops you need to jump through to get things done. Instead, take action. Build a business case for giving you the authority to act.

In taking action you will experience a sense of competence and autonomy—two psychological needs required to thrive at work. And those who give you the authority will also benefit by empowering you to do more so that they can focus on other things that need their attention.

Practice a little self leadership each day to reduce your stress and fatigue.  Ask for feedback, identify solutions, and be proactive starting tomorrow morning. You might find yourself able to devote more time to your health, family and friends, and all those dreams you’d pursue if you only had the energy!

About the Author

Susan Fowler is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies and the coauthor of Blanchard’s new Self Leadership program.  You can learn more about Susan and The Ken Blanchard Companies at http://www.kenblanchard.com

Dear Madeleine,

I am a new manager of a large team in retail.  The work is fast and furious and involves constant running around and heavy customer service.  I have no complaints except one.  How do you do your life when you work like a fiend with no coming up for air during regular working hours? 

My people are struggling with this, and so am I.  How do you deal with getting your refrigerator fixed, going to the dentist, and signing papers for a new apartment?

I try to jam things into my fifteen-minute breaks, but I find that just one phone call to the cable company takes longer than that.  I am trying to be a grownup and take care of things, but I am finding it really difficult.  Is there something I don’t know?  What do other people do?

Trying to Do Life

Dear Trying to Do Life,

Boy, do I hear you.  In my hunt for good answers, I have to tell you I came up with—not a whole lot.  People have all kinds of bright ideas about life/work balance but not many on just managing the logistics of life.

But I do have a couple of ideas for you.  The reoccurring themes you will see are to be hyper-organized, plan scrupulously, and get help.

• Figure out everything you want to get fixed or cleaned. Plan it way ahead and schedule all of it on the same day so that you can do it on a day off. Get your appliances serviced, get your carpets and windows cleaned, and get Amvets to show up to cart away everything you are getting rid of—all on the same day that you know will be your day off.
• Find service providers who work evenings and weekends. Cultivate your relationships with them.
• Make friends with a neighbor who has a different work schedule than you do and agree to be each other’s at-home-for-emergencies person. Or trade off with a friend.
• Check out sites like TaskRabbit to get extra help when you need it. You can hire a person to come and hang out at your house all day and manage the people coming in and out who are doing stuff.
• If you live in a city, use a messenger or courier service to get documents back and forth for signing.
• Use professionals—financial, legal and real estate—who offer digital signature capability.
• Use your lunch hour to get things done—it sounds like you might be skipping yours.

Also, I recommend that you don’t ever have kids and don’t ever get sick.

(Haha! Just kidding!  But not really.)

This is the part of your life where you learn how to manage all the dumb and boring but critical stuff that needs to get done before you add on to it with impossible stuff.  Seriously, the one absolutely non-negotiable job requirement for me once I had kids was flexibility—because my partner had none.  Someone in the house has to have some, or you just go nuts.

And I know you can’t really avoid getting sick, but you can reduce your chances by taking care of yourself. This means adding that to the after-hours list, no matter what it looks like.  It is my experience that people who manage to get it all in and build their future do not waste time on anything—like TV or mindless social media surfing—that has no added value.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a marketing professional who manages a whole crew of kids—really.  Age-wise, I could be the parent of each of these people. My team is tasked with providing movement and content across all of the social media platforms.   We are very successful at what we do.

Here is my problem: I feel like social media has eaten my brain.  I go on all the different platforms to assess trends, see how our work is showing up (vs. depending on analytics) and get ideas for new strategies. I often find myself getting hijacked where 15 minutes can go by and I am not doing anything useful, just clicking on what I know is click bait. 

I have mentioned this, kind of jokingly, to my team. Everyone laughs because it happens to all of us.  I know we could be much more productive but I have no idea how to manage what feels a lot like an addiction.

Addicted to the Internet

Dear Addicted,

Well, in my efforts to research the effects of the internet on the brain I found out a lot. I also ended up reading several articles about unrelated items and checking out the bathing suits the Kardashian sisters are sporting on their spring trip to Mexico.  It sounds like I am kidding, but I am not.  I actually had to slap my own face and remind myself what the heck I was doing. Guess what? Forty minutes had gone by, which was the entire amount time I had allotted for this post!  So you are playing with fire here—and what a good thing it is that you realize it.

From a neurological standpoint, your brain has a natural tendency to seek out novelty and stimulation.  The internet provides the perfect mix of both. Now add in the irresistible pull of instant gratification—the little bursts of dopamine being released with each new click. Dopamine is the feel-good neurotransmitter and without the activity that produces so much, our brains produce less.  This all happens pretty quickly. Once the loop is created, it is fiendishly hard to break.

Your problem is that you are addicted to something you have to use.  In fact, it is your objective to leverage this exact effect to get eyeballs to your site—so understanding this effect will help you control it.  In most cases we can step away from what we can’t control – gambling, shopping, booze, drugs, gossip.  You don’t actually need those things to live.  But you have to use the internet to do your job.  Your closest parallel is food: you have to eat, so you can’t eliminate food altogether.  But you can eliminate sugar—the most addictive food of all, according to some research.

So here are some ideas along those lines to help yourself and your team manage your forays into the bizarre funhouse quicksand that is the internet:

• The first step in dealing with addiction is admitting your powerlessness. The second step is getting support to deal with it. Discuss the nature of addiction with your whole team.  Encourage each person to talk about the struggles they have and how they manage them.  They will have ideas you can test as a group and improve with experimentation.
• Before you go out into the fray, make a clear list of sites and topics to be covered.  Allot finite time periods to accomplish specific tasks.  Set an alarm and try to beat your time.
• Meditate at least once for 10 minutes at the beginning or in the middle of your work day. Use an app like headspace (https://www.headspace.com) if you can’t do it alone.  It will rest your brain and stop the crazy.
• Insist that everyone on your team print out any can’t-miss articles on paper for others to read. (I know it’s an ecologically unsound practice—use scrap paper and recycle it.)
• Make sure everybody has tasks to do that do not involve being on the internet.
• When weather permits, hold staff meetings while walking outside to get everyone to look out at the horizon—this releases endorphins and changes your brain state.
• For other meetings, make sure everyone’s phones are absent—either put in a basket or left at their desks. Be fierce about this.
• You can’t insist your employees turn off their devices at bedtime, but you can do it for yourself. It will at least give your brain the entire time you are asleep to let its guard down.
• Forbid the use of Candy Crush-type competitive online games during work hours. These are the most egregious and addictive time wasters. I only recently learned players are rewarded for getting friends to join these games.  If you personally play any such games, eliminate them immediately—and if you don’t, don’t start.

Good luck.  You are on the front lines of a phenomenon we don’t fully understand. You are right to take it seriously.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am an attorney with a state government agency. I run a team consisting of a few other attorneys and paralegals and administrators. I have been here four years and I love the office, my boss, and the work.

About six months ago my boss hired a new person—who is a peer to me—to run another team that does work similar to what my team does. She is a bully. She literally yells at everyone in the office. She storms out of meetings, goes and talks to clients behind my back and tells them all the things she thinks I am doing wrong.

She is wreaking havoc with everyone in the office. I now time my lunch so I don’t run into her in the break room. She is so unpleasant that it is literally taking a toll on my health and I am considering taking another job. But I love it here and was hoping to finish out the last few years of my career here. What do you think?

Bullied

Dear Bullied,

I consulted our talent engagement manager who has just completed his Ph.D. dissertation on workplace bullying. The field is quite new and there is a lot that is still not known or understood about workplace bullying and how to stop it. Workplace bullying, it turns out, is quite different from what happens in school.

The leader in this field is Dr. Gary Namie, whose website is http://www.workplacebullying.org/. This is an excellent resource that will help you to frame your own experience and find potential ideas for what to do.

From reading your letter, though, I can point out that you do have power here. This person is not your boss, and you have a good relationship with your boss. This is good because it means the bully does not have the power to retaliate against you, so you can actually stand up to her. Be ready to set boundaries with her—“Do not contact my clients without my express permission,” “Do not yell at me,”—because you can and you should. You have already given her power by allowing her ridiculous behavior. You can tell her that her behavior is ridiculous and you won’t allow it.

It sounds like you are not the lone target—the bully treats everyone horribly. This is good also, because it means you have not been singled out for ill treatment. Bullies often target one person who is a threat and try to break them down systematically. Possibly this person is not so much a bully as just plain awful, possibly nuts, and eventually HR will figure it out and she will be fired. You can make their job easier by documenting every single interaction in which you feel threatened, whether it happens specifically to you or you observe it happening to someone else. When things come to a head—which they inevitably will because your boss can’t allow it to go on forever—you will have your ducks in a row.

In the meantime, since you have a great relationship with your boss, you might share with him that you are considering taking another job because this person has made things so unpleasant. But also tell him that you love it where you are, you enjoy working with him, and you were hoping to stay. You could actually pull the “It’s her or me” card, which is a rare card to have in your hand. You are probably the kind of nice person who wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing, but that’s what I’m here for. This could be a good wake-up call for him. Often, bosses are at a loss when they realize their new hire is a terrible mistake, and they put their heads in the sand and hope it will go away. This is not going away.

Mostly we don’t get what we deserve; we get what we fight for. Stay strong, Bullied. If you really need to go, then go. But it sounds to me like you can fight and win this one. So put on your armor, get up on your horse, and try.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am currently in an unfulfilling job. I also have digestive health issues that are not being resolved through diet and supplements.

I am a creative person and I long to travel. I currently want to leave my job and travel around the world to heal and to write about my experiences—a blog first, a book later.

But I have fears about financially surviving; about what will happen when I return from my travels; about my safety on the road; about not being able to get rid of my health issues; and even about how to write a book. How do I get past the fear and take the leap?

Afraid to Take the Leap

Dear Afraid to Take the Leap,

Oh, I hear your cry for freedom and it resonates deeply. But I’m torn between focusing on your fears and simply yelling “Go now before it’s too late!”

Obviously, I can’t tell what to do. Here is what I can tell you. You have a vision that leaving your job and traveling will be part of your healing process. You may think this kind of inspiration or calling is something that happens to people all the time. I can assure you this is not the case. In my experience there is a lot to be gained from heeding inner wisdom like this.

But there is no getting past fear. And while fear is designed to keep you from making stupid mistakes, the trick is to not let it also keep you from your heart’s desire.

All of your fears are well founded. Use them to help you prepare. Let’s take one at a time.

• Use your financial fears to ensure that you save up, sock away a reserve, and proceed frugally. Your worry about where you will land once you are done with your travels will guide you to set up some options for a soft landing.
• Safety on the road? Well, yes, that is reasonable; the world is frightening. Ask yourself what would make you feel safer. Finding travel companions? Taking a self-defense class?
• Your health problems may not be resolved; that’s true. The fact is that they may never go away, so you need to be prepared for that. But at least you know for sure that what you’ve already tried hasn’t worked. What can it hurt to try other things?
• Finally, you should be terrified by the idea of writing a book. I can tell you from personal experience that the only way to figure out how to write a book is to start writing.

There. Still scared? Sure you are. Because that was only the tip of the iceberg, right? The thing to do with fear is welcome it into your life. Make a list of every single fear you have and do everything you can to reasonably protect yourself from worst case scenarios.

Who knows what kinds of responsibilities you are going to assume in the future—spouse, children, aging parents? I always think part of my job as a coach is to work with people toward their having as few regrets as possible at the end of their lives. So maybe the question to ask yourself is Which choice would I regret most in five years: maintaining status quo or going for the big vision? There is a good chance that if you don’t seize the moment now for your grand adventure, you will regret it.

I am very much influenced by a lovely TED Talk that a friend shared with me recently. It is by Amy Krouse, a wonderful artist and writer who died of cancer last month at 51. Her talk is called “7 Notes on Life.” I wrote them down and taped them to my wall. The seven points, represented as notes on a musical scale, are:

• Always trust the magic
• Beckon the lovely (Amy said “I tend to believe whatever you decide to look for, you will find. Whatever you beckon will eventually beckon you.”)
• We are all Connected
• Do (take action)
• Cultivate Empty space
• Figure it out as you go
• Go to what makes you come alive

She did the talk in 2010, long before she knew that she would die of ovarian cancer in 7 years. I can only imagine that she lived by this code and sure was glad she did when it was all cut short.

You sound like a smart, rational person who would first prepare properly and then, in fact, be able to figure things out as you go. I always encourage my clients—and my children, for that matter—to keep moving toward the heat. But I like the way Amy says it: “Go to what makes you come alive.” How can that be a bad idea?

I am clearly biased on this one. It is my nature. That being said, if you decide not to leap, at the very least go find yourself a job that is fulfilling. Please let me know what you decide.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

It’s a common experience, explains best-selling business author Ken Blanchard.

“Nearly all of us have made a New Year’s resolution and then not followed through. Why is it that most New Year’s resolutions don’t work? Two reasons—the first is that accomplishing the goal is tougher than we thought.”

The second reason? “We rarely get help from the people around us,” says Blanchard. “People smile and say ‘I’ll believe it when I see it,’ and then walk away to let us tackle the resolution on our own.”

If you’re already thinking of giving up on your fitness goal, Blanchard urges you to first ask for help from a coach or a friend—someone who will help you maintain your commitment to your commitment.  Then apply this 3-step process to give yourself the best chance of succeeding:

Set clear goals. All good performance starts with clear goals. Blanchard recommends the SMART approach, along with a compelling reason that motivates you to achieve the goal. “I had set a goal to become fit many times,” Blanchard explains. “But this time, I found a compelling reason to get healthy: my puppy, Joy. I was just turning 70 when I got her. Knowing dogs can live 15 years or more, I decided I needed to stay healthy through my mid-80s, so not only would I be around for my family, but also for Joy. Most people worry about outliving their dog; I worried about my dog outliving me!”

Diagnose your current status. Once goals are set, the next step is to diagnose your development level on each of the tasks related to your goal. Blanchard explains that your development level is a function of competence (your skills and experience) and commitment (your motivation and confidence.)

“For example, let’s say you’re excited about learning to lift weights but don’t know anything about it. That makes you an Enthusiastic Beginner—you have no competence but high commitment. You’ll need a lot of direction. But when it comes to eating healthy, maybe you’re a Disillusioned Learner—you lack competence and you’ve also lost your commitment. You’ll need both direction and support in this area.”

Get the help you need.  The fact that you have different development levels on different tasks or goals means you need to find someone who can provide you with the directive behavior or supportive behavior you need for each task or goal.

Drawing on his previous example, Blanchard explains, “As an Enthusiastic Beginner on weight training, you need specific direction—someone to tell you exactly how to lift weights. As a Disillusioned Learner on diet and nutrition, you need both direction and support—someone who not only will help you learn how to eat right, but also will listen to you and praise you as you change the way you eat. Enlisting a partner who will give you the proper amounts of direction and support will keep you accountable and reap great benefits. If your partner also has a goal similar to yours, that’s the perfect match—you can keep each other on track!

Don’t Go It Alone

Few people can accomplish a major life change by themselves. Ken Blanchard finally succeeded when he asked for help to achieve his fitness goals. He turned to a friend, fitness expert Tim Kearin, for direction and support.

Kearin helped Blanchard establish goals and diagnose his current state in six key areas:

1. Aerobics
2. Strength training
3. Balance
4. Flexibility
5. Weight control/Nutrition
6. Sleep/rest

“The only aspect of fitness where I was an expert was rest and sleep,” laughs Blanchard. “I can sleep anywhere! So that wasn’t an issue for me.”

But when it came to both strength training and balance, Kearin identified Blanchard as an Enthusiastic Beginner—excited about the idea of getting stronger, but needing a directing leadership style.

“In terms of aerobics, flexibility, and nutrition/weight control, Tim and I determined I was a Disillusioned Learner. I had started programs in these areas at various times over the previous 30 years but hadn’t kept up with them, so I was frustrated. In these areas I needed a coaching leadership style—which means I needed direction and also caring support.”

With Kearin’s help, Blanchard was able to finally make progress in all six areas.  And at the conclusion of the journey they wrote a book together about the experience—Fit at Last: Look and Feel Better Once and for All.

How about you?  Struggling with fitness goals?  It’s not unusual.  Consider Blanchard’s approach.  You don’t need a personal trainer—just someone who is willing to work with you to help you set goals, identify your development level and what kind of help you need on each goal, and then take the steps to achieve those goals.

It’s all about managing your journey to health and fitness—and committing to your commitment—with a little help from your friends.

PS: You can learn more about Blanchard’s journey here: Fit At Last book page.

For example, based on an emotional reaction, a client of mine recently responded to a colleague in a defensive and aggressive manner during a team meeting. My client was impatient and frustrated about the questions her colleague was asking her. The meeting ended with hurt feelings on both sides and the problem remained unsolved.

Emotions can drive intentional and unintentional behaviors during any time of the year. The key is to be aware of your emotions, identify what is triggering a specific emotion, and manage them.

It is not always easy to manage your own emotions in addition to someone else’s emotions.  It takes an increased awareness and a quick strategy to foster a positive outcome.

Here are a few strategies to manage your emotions in case you’re feeling the strain.

1. Move. If possible, instead of responding impulsively to an emotional trigger, go for a walk or do a few stretches to release the tension and consider your best response.
2. Breathe. To remain calm, take a deep breath just before responding.
3. Smile. Smiling builds connection and helps you empathize with the other person.
4. State your emotion. Be open about how you are feeling, which will lessen the intensity of the emotion.
5. State the emotion you perceive from the other person. Let the person know you sense they are angry (or upset, sad, etc.). This will help engage the person in communicating and owning what they are feeling.

Awareness of your emotions allows you to effectively express your feelings and control your behaviors.  For example, I recently needed to cause myself to be patient as a colleague passionately expressed her frustrations about a process. I tried several times to interject and explain specifics about the process that was frustrating her—but she was not hearing me.  She was only focused on expressing her thoughts.  As a result of reading her emotions, I forced myself to be patient so she felt heard.  Once she was able to tell her story, I asked her a few questions about the process.  We began to engage in a conversation because she was now able to focus in and listen … finally!

It took added time and energy on my part to manage my emotions along with those of my colleague.  The final outcome was a productive two-way conversation that led to a solution.

As human beings, we all have emotions—and we have the ability to manage our emotions.  The key is to find the strategy that is best for you!

Happy Holidays!

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

The latest theme has been self care. Self care can be a big challenge for those of us who are natural nurturers, because one of the ways we fill our energy tank is by giving to others. The problem is that when our tank runs low, we often tough it out and keep grinding away—even when we become completely ineffective.

In the past couple of weeks I’ve coached a number of people on this very challenge.  One of my clients, for example, has a huge project underway. She and her staff are working long hours to make sure that more than 150 people are successfully moved from one site to another.  She’s putting in 16-hour days and often forgets to eat. Another client has transitioned into a new role. His replacement is young, inexperienced, and overwhelmed, so my client is essentially doing both jobs with no light at the end of the tunnel. And then there’s me. The coach. The person who should know better—and the person who has apparently forgotten the adage all travelers know: always put on your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else.

The truth is that we all get caught up in situations where we put ourselves at the bottom of the list.  I love to coach clients on better self care and see them come back refreshed, with their energy tank filled up. It’s much harder to do that for myself.  But wait—I’m a coach! I can do this!

Here are four suggestions I’ve found useful for both my clients and myself:

1. Ask someone to simply listen—not solve, not correct, not observe, just listen.
2. Take mini-breaks: 1 minute to breathe deeply; 2 minutes to pet the dog; 3 minutes to listen to your favorite piece of music; or—think big here—10 minutes to take a brief walk.
3. Eat well. Grab a to-go salad rather than a burger and fries. Drink green tea instead of a soda. Snack on a handful of almonds instead of a candy bar. Fuel your body with something good at least once a day.
4. Learn to say no. No to extra work, no to babysitting your niece and nephew, no to a night out with friends if you are exhausted. Learn to say no to anything that makes you feel as if your to-do list has once again become insurmountable.

And the most important tip of all: keep at it! Self care isn’t something you do once in a while. We make choices every day that can either promote or hinder our well being.

What will you do today to take care of yourself?

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Take control of your brain.

When we aren’t actively focused on something—for example, if we are daydreaming or vaguely replaying our day—our brain goes into default mode—neuroscientists actually call it the default network. Scientists don’t understand this particular phenomenon very well, but I have spent the last few years noticing my own and others’ default patterns or habits.  When driving in the car or walking from one place to another, our default mode is either positive or, more often, negative.

Examples of negative thought patterns are:

• Reviewing your day and lamenting what you could have said instead of what you did say
• Wondering what others think of you
• Reviewing your to-do list even if you have it written down in three places
• Worrying about how long the line at the grocery store is going to be

The best way to stop a habit is to replace it with another one.  If you notice that your default mode tends to be negative, try substituting one of these positive habits:

• Visualize a map pointing out everyone who loves you—and imagine beaming love at them.
• Make a list in your head of everything you are grateful for. Be specific—for example, don’t just list “my health” if it is good; list all the things are great about being healthy: Your brain works well, enabling you to have an interesting job, and your knees work well, allowing you to practice yoga.
• If you find yourself complaining about something, think of what your life would be like without it. For example, if you are annoyed about sitting at a long traffic light, think about the chaos and gridlock that would exist if the light weren’t there!

Your brain is always working.  Help it move in a positive direction that serves you—who you want to be and where you want to go. Just because life moves fast doesn’t mean it can’t be wonderful and meaningful and special. As you plunge headlong into the last month of the year, give positive thought patterns a try!

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Hi Madeleine,

I am a hotel manager for a high end property in a large metropolitan city.

I am trying to create a program where department heads and midlevel managers at the hotel can come together to chat candidly about their career goals and how to achieve them. I have a vision to devote 30 to 60 minutes each week to this new program. 

Any suggestions on what sort of things I should focus on in that time duration?

I’d also appreciate your suggestions on what to call these meetings so it sends a good message. Thanks for any feedback. 

Developer

Dear Developer,

Well, isn’t your team lucky to have you! I applaud your desire to develop people; it’s not as common an idea as you might think—despite our best efforts to spread the word.

With the amount of time you are devoting, it will be important to generate consistent value that hits your goals. I have some thoughts about how to do that:

• First, get input. Ask the folks you’re inviting a couple of questions, such as: “What would make you attend?” “What would you want to get out of it?” “What would you want to give?”
• Second, you might want to think about starting with a small cohort of your very best people. Meet someplace nice, make it visible, and spread the word that the group is by invitation only. This way when people are invited to join, they feel singled out for something positive. The group is seen as a reward—an elevation of status.
• Don’t be surprised if people are a little skittish at first about sharing their aspirations. It may make them feel exposed and vulnerable. They need to feel safe before they open up. Starting with something relatively broad like discussing current goals. Ask each person for one goal they would want to share with the group to get accountability and support. By choosing what to reveal, they feel a sense of control.
• Consider discussing higher level management topics like servant leadership, building trust, managing change, leading teams, personal development, or time management, to name a few. Invest in a couple of good leadership books—I’d suggest you start with the greats (Drucker, Bennis, Maxwell, Dupree, Blanchard, Collins, or Goldsmith, for example) and discuss concepts from them.
• For those who don’t consider reading that much fun, excellent lists are available of current top management thinkers. Provide links to short blog posts for ideas that spark discussion.
• Alternatively, each session could be driven by a question such as: What makes a good leader? How should a leader deal with someone who is late all the time? What do you know you should be doing as a manager but don’t quite know how?

In terms of what you might call your group, consider tying the name of the group to one of the stated values of your organization. For example, a value at Zappos is to “Deliver Wow with service.” They might call a group like yours The Wow Club.

Here are some other idea starters: Future Focus Conversations, Career Maps, Plan A Club , Brainstormers, Opportunity League, Look Ahead Club, Onward and Upward, Growth Guild, Career Club, Career Alliance, Rising Stars, or Talent Incubator.

There is always the possibility of a clever acronym—maybe something like LEAD—Leadership Exploration And Development, or MILE—Maximum Impact Leadership Effectiveness.

(You might get more ideas in the comments.)

Do let me know how this works out!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am worried about my boss. He has always been super bright, ahead of everyone else, with a mind like a steel trap. He has been an amazing boss and a real mentor for me; I have a lot of respect and affection for him.

Lately he has been forgetting critical things, like big decisions we’ve made and meetings that have been scheduled forever. Just yesterday he showed up at a client meeting with potential customers whom he’d met several times and it was clear that he did not remember them. I am constantly covering for him. I try to make sure he is prepared for things, but then he forgets our conversation. I am running myself ragged trying to do my job and his. Others on the team are noticing it, and people are starting to talk. He really seems too young for this to be happening and I don’t know what to do. I would never want to hurt him, and it would break my heart if he thought I was talking about him to HR or anyone else. What do you think?

At a Loss

Dear At a Loss,

Well, heartbreak is ahead for you in this situation any way you look at it. I couldn’t be more sorry. Truly. You absolutely must, must, must go to your boss’s boss or to HR. If you won’t go right now, at the very least start documenting every incident so that you have a clear record of what is going on.

The best case scenario would be that your boss sees a doctor and finds out he has a correctable condition that is impairing his cognitive function. This is actually possible, and I hope that is what is going on. The worst case scenario would be that he has some kind of early onset dementia that will not improve with medical attention. Either way, you owe it to your boss and to your organization to make sure he gets help. If you have any relationship at all with his significant other or spouse, you might want to have a heart to heart talk with that person as well.

It is critical that someone have your boss’s back and makes sure he is properly taken care of. I have heard horror stories about senior leaders in organizations who learn a colleague is impaired and take advantage of the situation by having that person sign away their rights to pensions, insurance, etc. Perhaps you think this would never happen at your organization—and that would be a good thing—but keep your eyes open.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

If you are suffering from “excessive productivity,” here’s what I would recommend as your prescription.

Get rid of those things that don’t add value to your life. Take a moment to think of those things that are in your life that just don’t carry their weight. This could be at work or in your personal life; they aren’t necessarily bad, but are time wasters masquerading as productive efforts. There are many things in your life that can take your energy and time that aren’t adding value. They could be excessive meetings to satisfy your own need for control, social media that isn’t beneficial, or people in your life who don’t help you grow.

Learn to say no. This might be a hard one for you. To some, saying no implies that you can’t handle it or don’t have the skills to take on the task. Remember, everything that you say yes to means you are saying no to something else. Does what you are saying yes to align with your current focus? Is there something better that you could be doing? Take a serious moment to think about those things in your life and learn what to say yes to and what can wait. If you are focused and have a good sense of the big picture, then saying no will become a lot easier.

Get focus and clarity. Do you value being focused and clear? If not, maybe it’s time to take a brief self-inventory. Slowing down and processing your feelings and goals will help you to get really clear on where you want to be. Remember, this is about you and your focus on life and work. No one else is going to live your life. Be careful of being pulled into too many different directions that need to be taken care of “immediately.” If everything is urgent, then nothing is urgent. Be clear, focused, and methodical.

Slowing down is not stopping; it’s not being less productive. It’s being more focused on those things that really matter: what you value. Take control of your surroundings and make sure you are the one driving your life and not being a passenger.

Did he think I was fat? Did he not love and admire my beautiful self anymore? Or was it something else entirely?

Turns out he saw how hard I work, putting long hours in the office and then even more hours in the evening, all sitting at a computer. He’s read the studies about sedentary lifestyles and has been thinking about being an empty-nester.

Turns out he wants to spend time with me doing fun things that are going to take some physical strength—like hiking Half Dome in Yosemite!

Constructive feedback can be hard to give and hard to receive. Here are 3 ways  to make giving feedback a bit easier.

Be aware of your own feelings and intentions. Are you angry? Frustrated? Worried that your feedback will derail the receiver? Nervous about giving feedback? There are lots of reasons we avoid giving feedback—and our own mindset plays a big part in how the feedback will be received. Be aware of this and manage it effectively. Trust me; my husband would never say “You look fat in those jeans”—but he does notice if I complain about being out of breath when I take a quick walk around the block with the dog.

Here are 3 lines to say to yourself in preparation for giving feedback.

1. Describe your feelings about the upcoming feedback: “I’m feeling…”
2. State how you want to feel: “I want to feel…”
3. Be clear about your intentions: “I’m giving feedback because…”

3½. (Bonus tip): take a couple of deep breaths before the feedback conversation.

Be authentic. Yes, it’s an overused word, but that’s because it’s effective.  Even though feedback isn’t all about you, your feelings and thoughts do play a critical role in the conversation. My husband bought the membership but never said “Hey, let’s plan a romantic getaway to Yosemite. I want you to enjoy it, and I’m concerned that right now you won’t be able to.”

Share what you are feeling, but sparingly. Try variations of these 3 statements:

1. “I care about you, and I’m a bit (feeling) about giving you feedback.”
2. “I want (desired outcome) for us in this conversation.”
3. “I think (a thought about  giving feedback).” Example: “I think this feedback will help us work together more effectively.”

Listen, listen, listen. The person receiving feedback may have an emotional reaction. They may want to process their feelings by explaining context, or they may just need to talk through the feedback.  Ask these 3 questions—and follow with deep listening.

1. “Can you say more about that?”
2. “If you were to do something differently in the future, what would it be?”
3. “What can I do to help us avoid this in the future?”

When I didn’t act excited about the gym membership, my husband was surprised—until he listened to my thoughts and feelings about it.  The more he heard from me, the more chagrined he was.  His ability to listen gave us the opportunity to have a really great conversation. Now we are on the same page—and Yosemite was fabulous!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Here are 10 tried and true ways you can practice being in the moment and fully present.

1. Turn off your email. Not forever. Just try it for one day.
2. Sing. Loudly and off key is perfectly acceptable. I sing in the car at full volume with the windows down!
3. Dance. With abandon. My husband and I chair dance. My daughter dances on the soccer field. My sister shimmies and shakes when she cooks.  Dance down the hallway to your office. Dance in line at the bank. Music is optional.
4. Breathe. Deeply. And again. And again. And again. Suck in air all the way to the bottom of your lungs—and now a little deeper. Let it out slowly.
5. Laugh. At your favorite comedian, at a movie, at the silly things little kids do.
6. Help someone else. I highly recommend holding doors open or letting someone go in front of you in the grocery store.
7. Praise someone. Sincerely.
8. Thank someone. Sincerely.
9. Call a friend or a family member to say “I love you—and here are 5 reasons why.”
10. Look someone in the eyes. Really look. SEE who they are.

Bonus Activity

11. Put your phone down for 15 minutes. Turn it completely off.

Being fully present is a gift you give to others and to yourself. It improves the quality of interactions with others and the overall quality of your life. After all, it’s pretty darned hard to be anything other than in the moment when you’re singing Sweet Caroline at full volume.  Now sing with me!

Sweet Caroline  (Ba ba bah!)  Good times never seemed so good!  (So good! So good! So good!) 

Be sure to finish the song when you get a chance!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a leader who is conscientious, caring, and committed. Now, at the middle of my career, I find myself becoming a bit resentful of working long hours. I am constantly in danger of losing my PTO and yet the stress of preparing to be off work, along with the avalanche of work when I return, makes it very hard to disconnect completely. 

I’ve read the research and I know I’m not being a good role model for my people when I take vacation time and then end up working through it—which just breeds more resentment. I have a great team and I delegate a LOT to them, but the amount of work we are all expected to do is intense. 

My boss says I need to take vacation and just not worry about it. Any ideas on how I can do that and not kill myself with work when I return? 

—Just Can’t Take a Vacation

Dear Just Can’t Take a Vacation,

Being at the middle of your career, in middle management, and feeling like the proverbial hamster on a wheel is notoriously common and really, really hard. In, fact, I wrote an article about it recently. I hope it will help a little.

The short story here is that you absolutely must must must must take care of yourself for the long haul or you will be a miserable human being. Before you know it, you will not be the wonderful conscientious, caring, and committed person you are now. You will die inside because resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.

So.

I am going to challenge you to go to your calendar app right now and schedule two weeks off. When you book your vacation, leave on a Tuesday and spend that Monday tying up loose ends, preparing everyone for you to be away. Then come home on the following Wednesday, and spend Thursday and Friday catching up. But DON’T TELL ANYONE YOU ARE DOING THIS. Leave all your emails in your outbox and let them go the night before you are supposed to be back.

That gives you a good week away and some nice padding on both ends to keep you sane.

You can decide you are going to work while on vacation—there’s no shame in that—but set some boundaries. For example, designate just one hour a day to check in and do not attend a single meeting. Keep in mind that when you do this, though, you train people to not let you take a vacation. If you decide not to work, I hate to tell you this—but you are going to have to turn your phone off. It can be done—I know because I have done it. And I have made my husband do it. You have kind of a little mini nervous breakdown on Day 2, and then you get over yourself and relax in way you haven’t experienced since before the internet. (You may still vaguely remember that.) I highly recommend it. And honestly, unless you are the only person on the planet who is curing cancer or engineering world peace, nobody will actually die if you take some time off. Including you.

You are a leader. And I really don’t want to be mean to you, but you are acting a little bit like a victim. It is time for you to make a choice to take care of yourself, defend your choice and stick to your choice. You will be smarter, more creative, and more interesting. You may feel a little buried when you get back, but you’ll have two full days to dig out. If you plan your vacation properly—meaning, it is something you really want to do with someone you really want to do it with—you won’t regret it.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

• We are capable of so much more – There’s a great feeling when you are in control. You know what you are putting into your body and, through mental and physical exertion, what your body is capable of.
• Don’t do ‘low fat’ – We are sold a lot of ‘food myths’ by retailers and manufacturers – ‘low fat’ regularly means high sugar and salt which retain body fat and make us feel bloated and sluggish.
• Treat yourself to nature – A ‘treat’ should not be something sugary, a ‘treat’ should be a nourishing meal of natural foods that leave you feeling great and with the energy to be productive. Think about how eating that packet of crisps at 3pm really makes you feel.
• Take a break – So many of us eat while working. It actually aids digestion and makes us more productive to take a break.
• Brain Fuel – Water and exercise feed the brain. Staying hydrated helps our attention span (and it reduces ageing signs like wrinkles!!), as does stepping outside for fresh air and a little bit of sunshine (increasing our vitamin D levels).

Livestrong’s article ‘How Does Exercise Improve Work Productivity’ explains why exercise is so crucial for work performance,
‘When you exercise, you are also increasing blood flow to the brain, which can help sharpen your awareness and make you more ready to tackle your next big project. Exercise can also give you more energy. Having more energy means you will feel more awake at work. Being on top of your game will assure that you perform your work correctly and to the best of your ability.’

Being healthy not only gives you a longer life to enjoy, but also improves brain function and makes us better at our jobs.
Give Your Routine a Healthy Overhaul

• Prepare for your week in advance – I see so many of my colleagues buying pre-made lunches and breakfasts. There is a rainbow of vegetables and fruit out there that come without labels and the term ‘low fat’. A carrot does not need to say low in salt/sugar! I lead a busy life, but make the time for shopping for fresh produce and planning meals in advance. Believe me, you will feel the benefit.
• Make time for food – I find it hard to eat away from my desk, but I do try to focus more on when and what I am eating; the taste, the smell and how the food makes me feel. So many of us suffer with poor digestion, make the time to chew food and give your stomach a chance to digest. Cooking can also be a family affair, get your spouse and children involved and make meal preparation fun.
• Get some fresh air and/or move – I always feel more alive and productive after a run. This isn’t for everyone, but it’s important that we all ‘move’ for good health and wellbeing. Studies have shown that exercise can improve mental health, so pick a gym class you enjoy, a walk outside with friends or any activity that makes you feel alive. The key thing is to enjoy the movement and reap its rewards.
• Ditch the labels – Try buying from the first couple of aisle of the supermarket. I see so many people with trolleys full of branded products, with barcodes and terms like ‘fat free’ or ‘low sugar’. See if you can make a meal with no barcodes, as the nutritionist Amelia Freer says don’t buy products with ‘tricks and promises to seduce you’.

Commit To Sustaining The Change
The key thing is to sustain whatever change you make.
To be a ‘healthier and happier you’ may take only one of these changes, keep these small and manageable.
A working mum or dad? Why prepare not commit to preparing your meals on a Sunday. Always rushing between meetings? Make a lunch that can be easily eaten and is easily digestible.
The most important thing is to look after yourself, no-one is going to do it for you and you will not believe the difference to your work day and home life if you just pay a little more attention to your own health and happiness.
Here’s some links for inspiration:
Madeleine Shaw’s top tips for fighting fatigue
Deliciously Ella’s advice for anyone who feels they can’t cook
Calgary Avansino’s blog – sharing a whole host of wellbeing guru’s secrets
I wish you all the best for 2016!

Recently, I decided to try some new ways to be more productive and less stressed:

1. Spa water – in a scientific study, those who were fully-hydrated had improved mood and were less sleepy. So, I decided to try drinking spa water (sometimes called “infused water”) and I’m hooked. You get your water in for the day and it’s flavored without all the calories and chemicals. Refill as needed and enjoy. Here is a wikihow on how to make spa water:

How to make spa water

2. Concentration Music – it is said that listening to baroque classical music has been scientifically shown to improve mood, productivity, and concentration. So, I decided to give it a whirl and wouldn’t you know, it works! I get more work done faster and more precisely while being relaxed the entire time. Gotta love classical music! Here is a sample for your listening pleasure:

3. A Timer – scientific studies also show we have a limited attention span for tasks. This time has varied in studies anywhere from 10 minutes to up to 40 minutes. So, I set a timer and only worked on a task for a specified period and then took a break. I also used a timer to go back and forth between tasks. This has worked wonders for getting many more things done in a day than I could have imagined. A link to a fabulous, easy-to-set online timer:
Online Timer
These tips for containing the crazy work well for my own personal work style and help me to be a more calm, productive, and focused leader.
Share with us your tips to contain the crazy, increase productivity, and reduce stress. No matter how unique they may be, please share! What works for you?

The Three R’s of New Year’s

1. Revolutions – Circle back and review the resolutions you set for yourself last year. Furthermore, circle back and review any other important non-resolution goals you set for yourself last year. And while you’re at it, circle back and review any other big accomplishments from the past year – include wins AND losses that provided vital learning opportunities.
2. Revelations – Celebrate your successes! So often we get hung up on not fully achieving our resolutions and goals that we fail to realize just how much positive progress we’ve actually made towards them. This is especially true of resolutions which, for most people, tend to be extreme stretch goals. Don’t forget, they’re called “stretch” goals for a reason. For example, if last year you set out to lose 20 pounds but ended up only losing 10 pounds, you’ve still made positive progress worth celebrating. Be proud of the progress you’ve made toward your goals and celebrate what you have achieved, don’t dwell on what you haven’t achieved.
3. Resolutions – Now that you’ve reviewed and celebrated, it’s time to reset. Build off of what you’ve learned from reviewing the past year to determine how you can improve your approach and move closer to achieving (or fully achieve) your goals. When crafting your resolutions for the coming year, make sure that they’re authentic and meaningful to you. There’s a great post on this over at the PsychCentral blog offering 9 Tips for Setting Authentic New Year’s Resolutions.

As the year draws to a close, make sure not to skip steps 1 and 2 before crafting your resolutions. It’s important to review all of the valuable lessons you’ve learned and to celebrate all of your successes. You’ll be amazed at the great year you might not have realized you had! These two additional steps will put you in a positive state of mind and help set the tone for you to develop more meaningful, authentic, AND attainable resolutions.

Congratulations on all that you accomplished in 2011, and best wishes for an even more prosperous 2012!

Adam Morris is a featured blogger at Why Lead Now, one of LeaderChat’s sister blogs, focusing on the next generation of leaders. Follow Adam on Twitter @adammorris21.