Dear Madeleine,

I’m dealing with a very weird situation. I’m on a large cross-functional team made up of leads and managers. Our leader is the new EVP of operational excellence. He seems to really like some of the members of the team and really dislike others. He regularly forgets to include the people he dislikes in critical meetings and decisions. He makes snarky remarks when someone he dislikes floats an idea, only to compliment the next person who says practically the same thing.

He has created a division between the liked people and the disliked people. It is subtle, and I’m not sure I would have noticed it if one of my best friends at work wasn’t on team reject. When she pointed it out, I couldn’t unsee it. I feel lucky to find myself in the in-group, but can also see how the situation is headed for disaster.

I lead teams myself and can’t understand what this new guy is up to, why he is doing this, or how he hopes to succeed. He also does other things that make no sense, but this particular thing is the worst of it.

What would you do in this situation? I am at a total loss.

So Confused

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Dear So Confused,

Getting operational excellence right is hard enough without shenanigans like this. One trait of a toxic leader is to play favorites. It destabilizes teams by destroying trust. There is a good chance your new EVP is totally unconscious of what he is doing and the effect it is having. In my opinion, this is the behavior of someone who needs to have power over others and achieves it by keeping people nervous and jumpy. If he bullies some people and not others, it automatically creates a reflex in the not-bullied group to stay on his good side, and slowly silences everyone.

 It sounds like this person is not your direct boss, nor the boss of your friend who has been relegated to the out-group, so it may not affect your performance review if this cross-functional team doesn’t accomplish anything. But that may not be true for your friend.

You have a few choices here, but none of them are attractive.

You can do nothing, which will inevitably impact the relationship with your friend.

You can get together with your friend and brainstorm what the two of you could do to change the situation. You might consider recruiting a few more team members from both the in-group and the out-group to engineer some kind of revolt. If you could manage to pull the whole team together, you could include HR to conduct an intervention of sorts. It would only work if the entire team was on board and unanimously demanded that everyone on the team be treated with respect.

You might consider going to the EVP and pointing out what you are observing—but that could be a career-ending move. People who need to have power over others usually aren’t keen to get feedback from anyone, especially not from someone they see as a subordinate. It depends on how much power he has and what kind of trust he has built with his peers and his superiors. Along those lines, you might practice standing up for people he is snarky with—but again, it’s possible all that will accomplish is to get yourself relegated to “team reject,” as you call it.

Look at the situation from all angles with as many of your team members as you trust. If a majority of the team agrees to stick together, you might have a chance to shift the ugly behavior. At the very least, you can probably ensure that nothing gets done, and let it reflect badly on the EVP. Does it appear that I’m condoning subversive behavior? I guess I am, because if people don’t stand up for themselves and each other, leaders like your EVP end up getting promoted and wreaking more havoc from an even stronger position.

Document every incident you remember and start keeping a running log of unacceptable behavior moving forward. This way, you will have a leg to stand on should the situation escalate. It would probably be up to your friend to take this whole mess to HR and to her boss. You might also mention the situation to your own boss, if you trust them.

The more you can get the team to stick together, the better chance you have of getting the EVP to change—or better yet, getting him removed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was made supervisor for a team at a software company about six months ago. I like the job and the people on my team, and I’m slowly figuring out how to be a decent manager. I feel lucky that I was moved to a different team so I don’t have to manage my former peers.

I have become friendly with the other supervisors—we meet to discuss priorities, stay on top of changes, and share tips. I started meeting with one of them for an occasional beer after work. At first, everything was great. But now that we’ve grown closer, they spend all of our time together gossiping about the other supervisors and trashing the people on their team.

This person talks endlessly about how stupid, lazy, and disrespectful people are. I feel like I am there just to listen to them complain. I want to talk about travel, books, movies, or fun things we have planned for the weekend.

I listen and try to empathize, but they show no interest in helping anyone or in hearing my thoughts. They are so snarky, I am afraid if I cut them off they will spread nasty rumors about me. I can’t remember what personal things I have shared—nothing terrible, but who knows what they might say?

How do I get out of this relationship without setting them off and potentially causing real damage?

Stuck with a Loser

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Dear Stuck with a Loser,

Oh dear, this is a tough one. I am sorry. It is hard when people start out great and end up showing their true colors once the hooks are in. I am always fascinated by people who do nothing but trash others and then wonder why they have no friends at work.

Part of me wants to encourage you to reflect this person’s awfulness back to them and try to get them to see that their perception of people is part of the problem. But honestly, that kind of a hard conversation would be one you make the effort to have with people you love and have a commitment to.

Your only other option is to get away from this person as quickly as you can.

You might start by inviting as many people as will come to join you after work so there is a group you can slowly fade out of. If that doesn’t work, make something up. Am I suggesting you lie? Indeed I am. I suppose some might judge me, but I am nothing if not practical. Find a (fictional) new hobby or volunteer job that requires your attention after work. Every night. Or invent a cousin with a family emergency who needs you to babysit every evening for the foreseeable future. If you can’t stand to lie, or are too worried you might get busted, maybe find a real activity—hiking, yoga, taking a side gig as a personal shopper, or committing to writing a novel. Anything that the person won’t be interested in so they won’t ask to join you. Anything that will be more pleasant than spending time with them.

Of course, you could tell the truth—that you feel like all they do is complain and talk smack about people and you can’t spend time with them anymore. I know that might feel risky, but here’s the thing: if they are saying horrible things about everyone else in their work orbit, they are probably already trashing you when you aren’t around. There is an excellent chance everybody else has this person’s number and doesn’t listen to a word they say.

You don’t owe them another moment of your time—or, frankly, the truth. Just get away from them and try not to worry. Stay focused on doing a good job with your team and cultivating relationships with people who share your values. You are only as stuck as you let yourself be.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a student of leadership ever since I became a supervisor in my first job in the early 90s. I am now a VP of services for a collection of call centers across the UK.

I have practiced to the best of my ability everything I have learned from Ken Blanchard’s books and all of the content available over the years from Blanchard newsletters, blogs, and webinars. My company offers no training whatsoever for managers, so I have done my best to share what I’ve learned with managers who have reported to me.

I strive to seek the best in people, give them the proper mix of direction and support, help them to find opportunities, etc. Since my company has values up on the walls that have no meaning to anyone, I have come up with my own values: consistency, civility, accountability, and fairness. I share them regularly with my team and even have them on my email signature. The outcomes in my area speak for themselves, I am happy to say—until now, anyway.

I am facing a situation with a manager who reports to me. I have tried everything. He is downright nasty to his people and uses fear tactics to get results—which, predictably, have been suffering.

The last time I met with him to point out the dip in his units, he retorted that he didn’t think it was fair for me to hold him responsible for his team’s performance. He pointed out that one of my values is fairness, blatantly throwing my core beliefs in my face. I was so aghast that I was quite literally speechless. I pretended I had another meeting and told him we would take this up at his next one on one.

I have tried to be a role model for managing people and inspiring their best work. With this person, it seems all for naught. I feel confident about what I need to do here, but am writing to you to double check my instincts.

Speechless

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Dear Speechless,

First, my hat is off to you for your dedication to being the kind of boss we all wish we had.

Well, not all, I guess, but most.

You didn’t mention exactly what you think you need to do, but I, too, was rendered momentarily speechless by your employee’s response. I wonder who he thinks should be held responsible for the performance of a team if not the manager? That might be a question to ask in the conversation you have where you tell him it is time to part ways. (If that is not your instinct, might I be so bold as to suggest it should be.)

I know in the US, when a manager lets someone go, it is helpful to have documentation of poor performance, lack of civility, and insubordination. I don’t know if that is as necessary in the UK.

Either way, though, it does sound like you have done your utmost, and it is time to offer the opportunity to someone who at least seems to care about people and is willing to take responsibility.

Part of me is curious as to how he got the job in the first place, because he must have shown some promise—at something. But there is no telling how the sudden acquisition of power will change people. It can be truly startling.

Something Scott Blanchard (our CEO) says all the time is how mystified he is by managers who think it is okay to treat their people in ways they themselves would never tolerate. But this behavior is remarkably common. Apparently though, not on your watch.

You’ve gone to the trouble of defining your values, and I think you can lean on them to make the right decision here.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your last blog Not Sure How to Address Burnout? with interest. I work in consulting with one of the big five consulting firms. We hire go-getters and work them hard. The competition is fierce and only the most driven get promoted. The rewards are, shall I say, significant—but I won’t lie, the workload is intense. We never pretend otherwise.

We hire kids straight out of the best business schools because we know they’re the brightest and are used to brutally hard work. Yet, in the last few years, I have noticed a lot more complaining about workload. There seems to be an expectation among our newbies that they should get to have lives outside of work. WTH?

Frankly, that just isn’t the way it works. I keep referring them back to what was shared with them before they signed on:  There is quite literally—I mean, in writing—the expectation set that, at least for the first couple of years with us, people should expect to not be able to do much other than work. I don’t know how we could be more explicit.

I find this very tiresome. What happened to paying your dues? What happened to sucking it up and devoting oneself to high performance? What happened to dedication? I know I should be more empathetic, but when I try to empathize I always go back to feeling resentful. The voice in my head says, “Well, I worked like a dog for umpteen years, I figured it out, I never whined like a big baby, which is why I make the big bucks and get to boss your sorry ass around.” I know that attitude is not getting me anywhere, but I am not sure what to do with it.

Any insight around this?

Exasperated

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Dear Exasperated,

If you found my blog, you must have an interest in leadership—which is good, because ultimately it is your job to figure out how to lead these young people. Your long-term success and the continuation of the big bucks, as you say, depends on it.

At the risk of offending you, may I point out that you sound like every boomer and Gen Xer who complains about millennials and Gen Zers? To be fair, you sound like every member of every generation who has reached middle age and complains about “kids nowadays.” You probably have trouble getting your head around their music, their fashions, and the way they use social media. And I can just hear you rant on the topic of gender politics. But that’s okay. It is only human.

Let’s take a look at your industry. Like high finance, medicine, and the law, many people were attracted to your kind of work back in the day because of the promise of status, money, and material success. Most of the millennials I know today are attracted to professions that are likely to afford them some stability and a shot at achieving or sustaining what you and I once thought of as middle class, let alone the opportunity to build generational wealth. The specter of student loans is big, dark, and chilling. That is how radically the world has changed.

The generations you now manage are also much more interested in meaningful work, personal fulfillment, and life/work balance, possibly because they witnessed their parents work like dogs and take very little pleasure in life. Just to provide some clarity about what younger people today don’t want, envision someone watching their dad devote thirty-five years to paying down the mortgage and trying to put something away for the kids’ college tuition only to see him drop dead a week after retiring. It’s a bracing cautionary experience.

These generations have also grown up with constant one-upmanship and unrealistic expectations set by the fairytale lives they see on social media. By the time they arrive on your doorstep, they’ve been under absurd amounts of pressure since middle school. If you are exasperated by their behavior, imagine what it must feel like to them to be judged and found wanting at every turn.

You say they are complaining. To whom, I wonder? About what? Did you never complain when you were in their shoes? I’ll bet you did. And I’ll bet that if your superiors heard about it, they ignored it. It is a normal thing to do, it is a way of letting off steam, and in no way does it indicate burnout. Complaining vociferously about how hard you work is a time-honored form of boasting—what the kids call “humble bragging.” If you are actually worried about burnout, watch for symptoms such as a radical reduction in productivity in someone who was once a star performer, unusual amounts of absenteeism, or an uncharacteristic lack of civility.

I appreciate your attempt to be empathetic. That is a great impulse. You are right that the voice in your head (which made me laugh btw, thanks for that) isn’t helping you. But if you think people can’t hear that voice, you are dead wrong. They hear it loud and clear, and it is eroding their trust in you. I encourage you to find another talk track for the voice. Perhaps a curious voice; one that asks “What might be motivating to this person? What are they looking for that they aren’t getting?”

Seek to understand what your people are really saying. Ask questions like:

• Can you tell me more to help me understand what is really going on right now?
• What exactly would you want to be different?
• What would work better for you if we could make changes?
• What does it mean to have a life? How is that different from what you have now?
• What is missing that would make a big difference to your quality of life at work?
• What strengths do you bring to the table that you might be underutilizing?
• What else do you want me to know?

Listen for what is real. There is a good chance you will find it much easier to empathize. It is entirely possible that, like most young people, your employees are perfectly happy to work incredibly hard as long as they have the flexibility to do the other things that are important to them. It is possible that just being asked the question and having a chance to talk out the answers will be all they need to go back out there and crush it.

One thing every person from every generation has in common is that no one wants to be judged. Chris Argyris, a Harvard professor and an influential authority on organizational behavior, said in the 90s that the secret to the success of the big five consulting firms—including yours, presumably—was that they identified and hired “insecure overachievers.” (I can’t find the exact quote, so it might be an apocryphal anecdote I heard from someone who worked at Boston Consulting Group.) You’ll know if that was true when you were a newbie, and if it is still true now. The reason it matters is that there is a fine line between harnessing anxiety and fear of failure to drive successful behaviors and letting it reduce you to a quivering mess. If it is still true, your job is to help your people walk that fine line to ensure their own success and, therefore, your own.

Your job as a leader is to influence your people; to help them connect to the meaning of what they are engaged in and what matters most to them. If they are in it for the money, that is an easy motivator. But many of your people may be driven by other things. Find out what they are and have conversations in which you brainstorm how to connect the work with what drives them. Listening without blame or judgment will send the signal that you care. Wait till you see how people perform when they think their manager actually cares about them. You may see a radical turnaround. Ask yourself the question “What do these kids bring that we didn’t have, and how can we leverage that?”

If you resent that nobody ever cared about you, and you had to soldier through with horrible bosses, well, okay, I am very sorry about that. But isn’t that all the more reason not to inflict those experiences on anyone else?

So suck it up, Exasperated. Cut out the judgment, get curious, and see what there is to learn in all of this. There is a good chance you could become an expert at this approach and even influence others in your company. Wouldn’t that be something?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

This isn’t really a work problem, it is a life problem caused by success at work. I am the CEO of a respected company and have been successful beyond my wildest dreams. I was the first in my family to go to college, let alone get an advanced degree. I am incredibly persistent and have worked hard—but, to be fair, I have also been lucky.

My problem is that my success is visible, so my family members and friends constantly ask for financial support. I am a single mother of two kids. I pay for their secondary schooling and am trying to save for them to go to university as well as for my retirement. I already contribute to the school fees of all my nieces and nephews and pay rent for some of my aunts and uncles. Once I have paid my own bills and all the others, there isn’t much left for savings.

People see that I drive a good car and have nice clothes and they think I am made of money. My own assistant recently asked me to help with her mother’s medical care. People always say they will pay me back, and we all act as if the money is a loan, but I can’t see how anyone will ever be able to pay me back.

I know that the things people ask me to help with are legitimate. It isn’t that I feel taken advantage of—it is simply more than I can pay. I recently made a loan by putting something on a credit card, so now I am paying interest on that loan and I just hate it. I am really struggling with saying no.

Victim of My Success

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Dear Victim of My Success,

This is such a classic conundrum. It makes it hard to enjoy your success when it puts you in such an uncomfortable position. I think you might be able to apply a couple of principles here that will help. You will have to gather your courage to be tough and firm, but it sounds like you are tired enough of the situation and are ready to do that. You aren’t going to like what I am going to say, but I am going to say it anyway.

Your suspicion that none of what you give away is truly a “loan” is dead right. Unless you have some kind of payment plan that you are willing to hold people to, you are really just giving money away. The way people who officially loan money (like banks or loan sharks) get unpaid loan money back most of the time is to seize assets or terrify people into compliance. Of course you are not going to do that.

So the first thing you need to do is change your language when you do offer help. Call it a gift. Then when people insist they will pay you back, you can say they are welcome to do that, but you don’t expect it. You never know, someone may repay your generosity when you need it most in the future. I call that pennies from heaven. But you must construct your financial life as if that will never happen. It takes a lot of pressure off the relationship. Everybody wins, you get your need to share and be generous met, and people get help when they need it.

Then, you need to clarify your own boundaries: how much money must you protect for yourself, your children, and the commitments you have already made? It is simply math. You know what comes in every month, and you know what goes out. With anything left over, you decide what goes into savings and what is left over to give away. You can literally build a giveaway fund—and when it is exhausted, that’s that. No more. The well is dry. Until you decide to replenish the fund.

And, unless you are committed to being in debt for anyone other than your children, such as to pay for education or co-sign a mortgage, I highly recommend that you first use the fund to pay off your credit card debt. I am no financial planner, but I know enough to know that credit card debt is brutal and is to be avoided at all costs.

This will be hard for you. You help people because their needs are legitimate, and you care for them. But legitimate need is infinite. It will never shrink. You will be on this vicious and exhausting cycle until you put a stop to it. No one can do it for you.

People will stop asking only when there is nothing—and I mean nothing—left to give. You really don’t want that. Sometimes people are victims of circumstances beyond their control. This is not the case for you.

You have choices here.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your article “Celebrating Women at Work” with interest and it prompted this question. I am a female senior manager in a fast-moving tech company. I run a high-level customer success team made up of mostly older women. About a year ago, my old boss retired. I got a new female boss who was brought in from another tech company that does not have a great reputation.

She immediately challenged me to diversify my team. She said I did not have enough men, because “most of our customers are men, and men prefer to work with men.” Let me be clear here that we have never, ever received feedback on that score.

I have no reason to replace anyone on my team. Every single person is outstanding and I don’t have the budget for more people. At each of our one on ones (most of which she cancels), my boss asks me what I am doing to get more men on the team. When I tell her I will certainly keep it in mind if someone on my team does need to be replaced, she just looks at me blankly.

I think she expects me to fire some of my people so I can start fresh with young men, but she hasn’t said so explicitly. If that were true, I am pretty sure we would have an HR issue on our hands. And then there’s the sheer unfairness of it all—it has taken me years to get the team to peak performance. The whole diversification focus just seems so faddish and frankly irrelevant right now. And my boss doesn’t even seem to understand or care about what my team does.

I always thought a female leader would, if anything, advocate for having more women, especially in tech where they are an anomaly. But this one seems to be pulling in the opposite direction. I am confused and annoyed. How do I put a stop to this nonsense that has nothing to do with my team being successful?

Feeling Betrayed

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Dear Feeling Betrayed,

I hear a couple of things going on here. The gender bias/diversity seems to be a symptom of the bigger problem, which is that your boss doesn’t seem to know or care what your team does. Nor does she seem to be inclined to offer any direction on how you are supposed to comply with her edict to diversify your team.

Considering these two issues, the fact that she does not seem to care about supporting women in the workplace seems almost beside the point.

So, what to do?

I think your first task is to help your new boss understand what your team does and why it matters to the organization, and provide her with any data you might have on how successful your team is. Any feedback you have received from customers, including the fact that no one seems to care about the gender of their customer service representative, might be useful.

It might also help to ask your boss for more detail on her position that your team needs to be diversified and how she got there. This can be hard when all you want to say is “that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!” So try open-ended invitations or questions such as:

• Please tell me more about this point of view.
• What is it exactly that you see as a problem with my team?
• Is this a new policy you feel obligated to comply with?
• What am I not seeing that you think I should see here?

You might consider getting someone from HR involved to help you with a long-term plan for complying with your boss’s edict. Your HR professional may spot a red flag in terms of compliance with policy and may be able to help you put together a case for the total lack of need for the changes your boss wants. They may also be alert to the possibility of a big fat legal problem in the making.

This seems like such a perfect example of managers focusing on the wrong things and wreaking havoc in systems that are working just fine. We can speculate all day long—and believe me, I am. I wonder if your new boss is afraid she might be seen as weak because of the number of women under her. But as entertaining as it may be, speculation, like making assumptions, is a colossal waste of time.

You and I may both be missing something here. Try to get to the bottom of it if you can. Definitely get some help from HR, because there is just something off about this whole thing.

In the meantime, keep up the good work supporting your dream team and your customers.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a business unit for a global manufacturing company and have been in the role for about 18 months. I took over for someone who was completely checked out and it was a bit of a mess. It has taken me this long just to untangle the log jams and uncover all of the critical tasks that weren’t getting done. I had to replace a few key managers who weren’t enthusiastic about being held accountable.

All of the processes and systems are now up and running, and things are smooth enough that I have devoted some time to doing skip-level meetings with people who report to my executive team members. These have been enlightening, to say the least. It has become clear to me that one of my team members, who has delivered stellar results, has also created a toxic work environment. He yells at people in front of others and his team members live in fear of making a mistake. I believe it is only a matter of time before they start quitting in droves.

I was put in this job because my strength is process, so I am a little at sea about what to do about this situation. My instinct is to call him out in front of the rest of the team so he knows what that feels like, because that’s exactly what he is doing. I am so mad that this is the only thing I have come up with so far. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Process Master

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Dear Process Master,

Congratulations on your success.

Skip levels can indeed be illuminating. You have somehow earned enough trust in the organization that people are willing to tell the truth about their experience. The problem is now that you know, and people know you know, you do need to do something about it or you risk losing that trust.

The question is: what?

Your instinct is understandable and your hesitation is smart. You don’t want to role model the exact behaviors you are trying to curtail. You have already shifted the culture of the organization to be process focused. What else do you think is important to the culture? If culture is values in action, what are the values you want to see? There are clues in your allergic reaction to the way your direct report is treating his people.

If you see yelling at people—especially in front of others—as unacceptable, what should replace that behavior? Possibly this indicates that you think leaders should treat their people with respect and should give feedback in private. What exactly would that look like?

If people live in fear of making a mistake, how should mistakes be dealt with? The way you answer this question reveals the value you want your leaders to embody. Perhaps you think that mistakes reveal a lack of competence that needs to be addressed. This might represent the value of preparedness. Possibly you feel people have too much on their plates and need help to balance their workload. That might represent the value of fairness, say, or load balancing.

What else did you hear from your skip levels that leads you to diagnose the environment their leader has created as toxic? What exact specific things did you hear that the leader does that makes you believe people will quit in droves? This is the only way to shape the requests you can make of your direct report. It should be direct and straightforward, so that there is no confusion about the message you are sending.

It might sound something like this:

• “I understand you routinely yell at your people in front of their peers. That is not an effective way to build trust among your people. I request that you never raise your voice and offer redirection in private. Keep things matter of fact, never personal.”
• “I heard your people live in fear of making mistakes. I request that you treat people with respect and treat mistakes as information that something is not quite right. Get to bottom of what is causing the mistakes and fix it.”
• “Your results have been excellent, but you won’t be able to sustain them if everyone quits. So I need to see if you can produce the same results while creating an environment that people enjoy working in.”

Write down your requests, and, if possible, practice with someone safe. Do not allow yourself to make room for excuses or get drawn into a debate. That will take you down a road that will not serve you.

Once you make clear requests, make sure your direct report knows you will be following up to check on his compliance with them. Be ready to share the consequences he will face if he does not change his behavior. He has already seen that you will not tolerate lack of accountability, so that should work in your favor.

As the leader of your unit, it is your responsibility to share the values you expect your team to use as they lead their people. You seem to have gotten the message across that process alignment and task completion are the most important. Now you can add other values—maybe respect, or kindness, or appreciation for employees. One leader I worked with had a value he called “No Jerks.” His people knew exactly what that meant.

I can’t tell you what your values are—only you can sleuth those out by noticing what you don’t want. That will help you to articulate what you do want, what is most important, and what is unacceptable. Those are your values. Once you figure them out, share them with your people regularly. Use them to shape the feedback you give. Track the extent to which your leaders are guided by those values in performance reviews. As you know, anyone can get great results through bullying in the short term, but it will tank results in the long term.

I suspect you will rise to this new leadership challenge.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I need your professional advice on career goals or growth.

I worked in the construction industry for 25 years, starting out as an electrician and moving up to a field manager. I essentially went from pulling wiring through conduit to managing the entire field operation on very large, multi-million-dollar commercial and industrial projects. During this time I also was in the US Army National Guard and was called to active duty in 2002. I was wounded in combat and spent the next three years in and out of hospitals and physical therapy.

When I went back to work, I had a hard time with the physical aspects of my job. I decided to use my VA benefits and found a new job with the federal government as an engineering technician. I was technically still in the field, but now I was just making sure others did what they were contracted to do. It was easier work, fewer hours, and a much more secure future. I have done government work now in various roles for 15 years and have moved up the GS ladder in pay and responsibility.

The government is always pushing for individual and leadership development—“grow up, not down” kind of stuff. To be honest, I’m happy where I am. I don’t want more responsibility and I don’t really want to be a supervisor any longer. When I have said this to my current boss and to some past bosses, they have all asked me why I don’t just go back to the private sector if I feel that way. I don’t understand this, because the growth and development situation was essentially the same in the private sector.

Here’s my question: am I wrong? Should I grow even though I’ll be miserable? I know I won’t be the best I can be. I’m a very good leader but not a good manager. I can inspire others and motivate them to be part of the team, to be themselves, and to contribute all they can in their way. I have an open, creative, teaching mind but I hate the daily grind of supervising people, the miasma of mundane paperwork and budgets, and the sand in my eyes at the end of a long day of computer work.

I have 10 years left before retiring to just work when I want to work, so should I give the government 10 good years doing what I want or should I give them 10 years doing what they want? I’m at the most common rank in the management levels of government service. I have been more senior and could easily keep going on up, but I’d rather just take it easy and slack off on growing and doing.

I know it sounds like I don’t care, but that isn’t it. I just really like the way the job is at this level. Am I wrong in wanting this?

Done Pushing

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Done Pushing,

No. Just No.

Thoughts and feelings are what they are and simply can’t be wrong. The only thing you can do that’s wrong is take an action you may regret without having carefully consulted your thoughts and feelings.

I tried to shorten your letter but I wanted our readers to get the whole picture. It seems to me that you have done more than your duty to your government by anyone’s standards. You’ve earned the right to create your life exactly the way you want it to be. And just who, I ask, is the arbiter of what anyone has earned or deserves? It also sounds like you do your job well and are satisfied with the compensation, so it is a fair exchange.

Long ago I worked with an opera singer who was immensely gifted and had put in long hours to develop her natural talent. She was on the brink of stardom when she realized that the life and career of an opera star wasn’t what she wanted. She was extremely religious and tortured herself with the thought that because God gave her the gift of an extraordinary voice, she was obligated to use it. At the time, I was specializing in working with creative geniuses, many with the overwhelming problem of having been born with multiple gifts. This includes the singer, who was also good at many other things. So the notion that you are obligated to develop and use your gifts just doesn’t compute when you have entirely too many. It took seeing the world through the eyes of these clients for me to realize a principle that I lean on to this day:

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

And that goes for everyone. Including you.

In the singer’s case, she felt beholden to God. In your case, you feel somehow beholden to your government. I can’t speak for God, obviously, but I will say that his ways are inscrutable and mysterious, so you have to listen to your inner voice and your heart. I say the only debts you owe are to yourself and the people you have made promises to.  It doesn’t sound like you are breaking any promises you made to your employer. And you would not be putting your integrity at risk for failing to accept a promotion.

Let’s face it—growth requires discomfort. Some people love being in a constant state of growth and relish the challenge. Others don’t. You might take a few years off to rest and then get bored and change your mind. Or you might not. It is not for anyone else to judge your choices; not that they won’t (ha ha), but it really makes no material difference to you. You can take the pushy advice lightly, say thank you, and change the subject. No use burning bridges, so keep your options open.

The most miserable, unhappy people I have worked with were almost all in a state where they had created a life that others wanted for them, not one they wanted for themselves. And the higher you go, the harder it is to undo those choices.

So no. You aren’t wrong. You get one life, my friend. Are you going to live it the way you want, or the way others want?

I hope this is helpful.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

People want an empathetic leader. Many managers strive to be one. But ask someone to define the term, and you’re likely to be met with silence.

Let’s start with the definition. According to Merriam-Webster, empathy means “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

The logical question is: why is being empathetic an important quality of a leader? It seems to have nothing in common with achieving tasks or succeeding in the workplace.

The importance of being an empathetic leader starts with the simple truth that leadership is about people. If you’re going to lead effectively, you must be attuned to your people’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This translates into creating real partnerships rather than exerting power. It means walking alongside your team members and guiding them in the direction you need them to go.

Why Empathetic Leaders Are Needed Now

The topic of empathetic leadership has been getting a lot of press lately, mostly due to the adverse effects of the pandemic. COVID has bruised people in many ways: losing a loved one, losing a job, pay cuts, health problems, and on and on.

People are reevaluating their relationship with work in the wake of the pandemic. Some are deciding life’s too short to leave their spirit at the door and endure long workdays just to bring home a paycheck. They want an environment that nourishes them in a profound way.

The Empathy Deficit

Forbes says empathy is the most important leadership skill, but only 40% of people rate their leaders as being empathetic. It’s tricky to single out one skill as being the most important—anyone can argue that other skills deserve top billing. That qualifier aside, this statistic reveals a huge disconnect between what people want and what their leaders are providing.

But leading with empathy isn’t easy. If empathetic leadership were part of a college curriculum, it would be a 200-level class. It presumes that people have all the basics down—and many leaders don’t.

Leaders are often promoted to their roles based on their success as an individual contributor. But being a first-time manager requires a whole new set of skills—for example, emotional intelligence—that are more important than technical expertise. Many managers either haven’t had the opportunity to develop these skills, are resistant to doing so, or don’t have an interest in them.

When you add up all these reasons, it’s easy to see why we have an empathy deficit among leaders and their people.

Know Thyself

Becoming an empathetic leader starts with having excellent self-awareness. This requires doing inner work on understanding your motivators, your temperament, and your personality style. It also includes knowing your communication style, your reaction to feedback, and how your values shape your behavior.

The first step in your journey is investing in your own development. Once you are more self-aware, you can begin to adjust your leadership style to the needs of your people.

Senior executives play a pivotal role in this. They must put organizational resources behind self-awareness initiatives to show they are serious about developing empathetic leaders. Investing in training is an example. Just as important, they need to model the behaviors they want the organization’s leaders to demonstrate. They also should have caring conversations with managers who don’t appear to be growing into empathetic leaders.

Understand Others

The second part of empathetic leadership is striving for a good understanding of your team members. This includes improving your communication skills, such as being curious in conversations instead of being defensive or aggressive. It also includes learning how to eliminate fear in your interactions with your people—trust cannot survive if there is fear in a relationship.

Building trust with your people is essential if you’re to be an empathetic leader. They must know you are on their side and you mean them no harm. You must show them your role as a leader is to help them succeed. The better you understand your people, the better you’ll be able to serve them in a meaningful way.

Be Helpful

Finding practical ways to serve others is a concrete example of empathetic leadership. Our Self Leadership course teaches five points of power you can use to help your people succeed:

• Position Power: Having the title or authority to make certain decisions
• Task Power: Having control over a task or particular job
• Personal Power: Having interpersonal and leadership skills, passion, inspiration, or a personal vision of the future
• Relationship Power: Being connected or friendly with other people who have power
• Knowledge Power: Having relevant experience, expertise, or credentials

Empathetic leaders use these points of power to build up their people, help them feel safe and secure, and increase their confidence. When leaders do this, their people know they care about them. This opens many doors of possibility.

Be Compassionate

Empathetic leaders are compassionate and extend grace to others. They know how to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. But remember: organizations have goals that must be accomplished. Leaders must balance compassion with clear expectations that are understood by every team member.

Leaders who are empathetic place great importance on creating psychological safety—an environment where a person feels free to speak their mind, take risks, and admit mistakes without fear of being punished or reprimanded.

Empathetic leaders also balance great relationships with great results. Ken Blanchard and I share how to navigate this tricky intersection in our new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust. 

Simple Truth #1 in our book is “Servant leadership is the best way to achieve both great results and great relationships.” Many people have an either/or mindset when it comes to leadership—they focus on either achieving results or developing relationships. You can get both if you set a clear vision and direction for your people, then work side by side serving them in ways that help them accomplish their goals.

Set Boundaries

Empathetic leaders know how to set clear boundaries that benefit everyone, such as letting people know how many hours a day they’re supposed to work or that sending late-night emails is inappropriate.

When everyone has clarity on work boundaries—including rules and expectations—there is tremendous safety and freedom. Boundaries create a guardrail so people don’t unduly sacrifice themselves to accomplish something. Boundaries also promote autonomy. They let people know what they can and can’t do. 

An Empathetic Leader in Action

Seeing an empathetic leader in action turns philosophy into concrete reality. Try to imagine yourself as an empathetic leader who practices the following behaviors on a daily basis.

An empathetic leader:

• Asks rather than tells
• Listens rather than speaks
• Serves rather than commands
• Cares about people’s concerns
• Is receptive to feedback
• Doesn’t overact to people’s questions or concerns
• Doesn’t interpret concerns as resistance

When you demonstrate these behaviors, your people will be loyal to you. They’ll be engaged. They’ll give their best effort. They’ll be more innovative. And they’ll speak highly about your organization to their friends and colleagues.

Call to Action

At its core, empathetic leadership is about being an others-focused leader. It’s about leaders being in tune with the needs of their people and responding in tangible ways that demonstrate their care and concern. And how do people respond when their leaders act this way? They pledge their loyalty, trust, and commitment to that leader, which results in greater productivity, innovation, and creativity. Who wouldn’t want that?

In honor of Women’s History Month, I sat down with Debbie Ung, EVP of sales and professional services at The Ken Blanchard Companies, to talk about her experiences being a female leader in various industries.

What motivated you to become a leader?

I became a leader out of necessity. I was working for a startup organization that was growing quickly; we created leadership roles to manage the increasing number of people and projects. I have always been driven to perform at a high level and to make a positive difference in the workplace, so being thrust into a leadership role made sense. I was fulfilling a business need. Being a leader wasn’t something I sought out, it just evolved. I’ve always been fortunate to work with organizations that had a very clear purpose and mission. These organizations knew what they wanted to accomplish and I realized early in my career that the only way to deliver on purpose is through people working together to drive impact. I was comfortable leading teams to help organizations reach their goals. I could do more as a leader than as an individual working on a team.

Who has inspired you along the way?

The COO of the startup company I mentioned before taught me the importance of hiring really good people. I learned to hire people smarter than myself; people who would challenge me to be better; people I could count on to show up and get the job done in a way that was respectful to our organization and to clients. I believe when you hire the best and brightest, your job as a leader is to help them all work together efficiently to meet the needs of the customer. A high performing team dedicated to the mission ensures that organizational vitality is secured.

The COO also taught me about followership. The role of the leader is to serve the needs of their people, remove obstacles, and help them work together to achieve goals. Leadership is about being others-focused, not self-focused.

This might seem counterintuitive, but I’ve also been inspired by leaders who weren’t so great. Anyone who has worked with an ineffective leader knows how much difficult situations can negatively impact their entire life, both at work and at home. Those experiences helped me understand what I didn’t want to be as a leader. I didn’t want to cause stress for my team members. I wanted them to succeed. So I learned the leadership behaviors to avoid as well as the behaviors to emulate. 

And of course, I was inspired by my parents, who encouraged me to do what I was passionate about, focus on results, and deliver my best performance regardless of the activity.

What’s your definition of leadership?

Ultimately, being a leader means being focused on others and not yourself. As a leader, you need to be aware of how you are developing your team members so they can learn to lead others, too. That is what followership is all about. A leader has the responsibility to create other leaders who are going to inspire other people.

Do you think gender and age bias are still an issue for women in leadership?

I’ve been in leadership roles for more than 25 years. I can see that we have made improvements in age and gender bias, but they are slight improvements. Women, especially women of color, are still underrepresented in leadership roles. Unfortunately, the pandemic actually increased this gap. Research has shown that women have experienced burnout at a much higher rate than men. There are many causes for that, but the truth is that the gap just got larger.

My experience with age bias occurred in my first leadership role. I was much younger than my mostly male team and at times I felt imposter syndrome taking hold. I sometimes doubted myself. It took me a while to trust my own voice and to push myself through the challenging times. Looking back, I clearly see that most of the perceived barriers I thought I was fighting were actually assumed constraints. I succeeded in that time by being super clear on my priorities and trusting my own judgment, which built my confidence and in turn my competence with being a leader.

How can women support other women in their organizations?

I love mentoring young women and I’ve found it doesn’t have to be a documented mentor/mentee relationship. I encourage women to build strong networks and alliances—it can be as simple as starting a book club or social club. Providing the opportunity for women to come together to create dialogue helps to form relationships, build trust, and fuel confidence. And this doesn’t have to be limited to women. Men and women should mentor each other, too. We have a lot to learn from each other.

You have young twin granddaughters. What is your hope for them and for future generations of women who will enter the workforce?

I look at my granddaughters and the crazy world they have been born into and all I can hope is that they are confident, kind, and caring. I hope they find a way to contribute in any way that positively impacts others. I want them to feel good about themselves and the contributions they are making. It doesn’t matter what their job is as long as they contribute to society in a kind way that brings them happiness.

OK, just for fun: beach or mountains, Beatles or Rolling Stones, and vanilla or chocolate?

Hmmm, definitely beach and Rolling Stones. And chocolate—is there any other choice?

I’ve been talking about servant leadership for years, so I was happy to see that the topic is now trending in business. Maybe people are finally understanding that servant leadership is not a lax situation where the inmates are running the prison. Instead, it’s a two-part process: the leadership part, where the leader plays a visionary/strategic role, and the servant part, where the leader serves others as they help implement the agreed-upon vision.

But what does it look like in real life when a leader turns the hierarchical pyramid upside down and serves others as they work toward their goals? I’ll give you two great examples.

My first example comes from Shirley Bullard, who served as our company’s chief administrative officer and vice president of HR until her recent retirement. In Servant Leadership in Action, Shirley writes:

“In October of 2007, wildfires of epic proportions were racing through San Diego County. People’s lives were upended as they were awakened in the middle of the night to the smell of smoke and a reverse 911 call with a recorded voice telling them to evacuate their home and move to a safer location. For some people in those early hours, a safer location meant our offices at The Ken Blanchard Companies.

“The first call I received was from my assistant, who had stayed up all night watching the deadly paths of the fires and was letting me know that a major freeway had been closed down. In fast succession, call number two came from our facilities manager, reporting that some of our people and their loved ones and pets had taken refuge in one of our buildings. I did not need to wait for a third call. I was up, dressed, and speeding to the office. The first person I met was our facilities manager, who had secured the campus and now wanted to know what to do about those who had taken shelter in our offices. I corrected him instantly—we needed to think about what to do for those people.

“I knew I needed to go to be with them, because I had not experienced the trauma this group had been through that morning: being uprooted by the sound of law enforcement telling them to get out of their homes and get out now. As I remember, there were about fifteen people, including children with tears in their eyes. Some had brought along pets, who were panting and confused. I gave hugs to everyone I knew and got introduced to the others. My next task was to get them food and anything else they needed to be more comfortable. My continuing mission was to put others first—to let them know what we knew, to give them some sense of what to do next, and to give them hope.”

Margie and I lost our home in that fire, yet the tremendous outpouring of love and support from our friends, family, and associates proved to us that it’s people who really matter.

My second example features Southwest Airlines’ cofounder and CEO, my late friend Herb Kelleher. Herb certainly had a big leadership role in setting the company’s vision “to be the world’s most loved, most efficient, and most profitable airline.” Yet he didn’t hesitate to humble himself and serve his people to make that vision come alive. In Lead with LUV, Colleen Barrett, president emerita of Southwest, writes:

“One of the most influential things that ever happened to me … occurred when I was a young secretary working with Herb. We had a mailer that had to get out, and everything that could go wrong with it went wrong. It had to be in the mail the next day. Well, the day before, the copy machine broke down and the postage was somehow wrong. So all of these envelopes that had been stuffed had to be retyped, and this was not when you could just push a button and it would happen. You did it all yourself, manually. So, it was about eight o’clock at night, the night they had to be postmarked, and we had to start all over again.

“Herb sat right there with me until four o’clock in the morning, on the floor, licking envelopes and putting stamps on envelopes, because we didn’t have a postage machine. I’ll never forget it. My gosh. And he could have even thought that it was my fault that the mailing had gone wrong. But he didn’t. He just jumped right in there with me. That was a really valuable lesson for me, so I’ve always tried to remember it and emulate it.”

The important part of Colleen’s story is that Herb demonstrated through his actions that he put the needs of others before his own ego to help Colleen and the company perform as highly as possible.

I’m glad that the business world is finally figuring out that when leaders practice “the power of love rather than the love of power,” they unleash people’s loyalty, motivation, and potential.

If you’d like to know more about the practical application of servant leadership, take a look at my webinar with Randy Conley—coauthor of our recent book, Simple Truths of Leadership—by clicking here: Servant Leadership for a Next Generation Workforce. It’s never too late to become a servant leader!

In my new book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust—cowritten with my colleague, trust expert Randy Conley—we take a look at some practical, day-to-day leadership principles leaders can apply in their organizations.

Simple Truths of Leadership is broken down into 52 concepts/quotes, half on the topic of servant leadership and half on trust. Each concept has descriptions and activities that will result in increased trust, collaboration, innovation, and engagement in relationships involving leaders and their team members.

A focus on both servant leadership and trust is an important consideration in today’s work environment. It’s a one-two combination that Randy and I believe will bring renewed focus to the importance of empathy and the human touch in workplace relationships.

Here’s a sample of the first three Simple Truths we cover in the first half of the book.

SIMPLE TRUTH #1: Servant leadership is the best way to achieve both great results and great relationships.

Organizational leaders often have an either/or attitude toward results and people. For example, leaders who focus only on results may have trouble creating great relationships with their people and leaders who focus mainly on relationships may have trouble getting desired results.

Yet you can get both great results and great relationships if you understand the two parts of servant leadership:

• The leadership aspect focuses on vision, direction, and results—where you as a leader hope to take your people. Leaders should involve others in setting direction and determining desired results, but if people don’t know where they’re headed or what they’re meant to accomplish, the fault lies with the leader.
• The servant aspect focuses on working side by side in relationship with your people. Once the vision and direction are clear, the leader’s role shifts to service— helping people accomplish the agreed-upon goals.

MAKING COMMON SENSE COMMON PRACTICE

This one-two punch of the aspects of servant leadership enables you to create both great results and great relationships:

1. Let your people know what they’re being asked to do by setting the vision and direction with their help. In other words, vision and direction, while the responsibility of the leader, is not a top-down process.
2. During implementation, assure your people you are there to serve, not to be served. Your responsibility is to help them accomplish their goals through training, feedback, listening, and communication.

It’s important for servant leaders to establish this both/and mindset toward results and relationships.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2: Every great organization has a compelling vision.

When I explain what a compelling vision is to some leaders in organizations, they either give me a blank look or say something like “I’m sure we have one on the wall somewhere.” So what is a compelling vision?

According to my book with Jesse Stoner, Full Steam Ahead! Unleash the Power of Vision in Your Work and Your Life, a compelling vision includes three elements: your purpose (what business you are in), your picture of the future (where you are going) and your values (what will guide your journey).

A compelling vision is alive and well in companies that are leaders in their field, such as Disney, Southwest Airlines, Nordstrom, Wegmans, and Starbucks.

MAKING COMMON SENSE COMMON PRACTICE

Here’s how you can incorporate the three elements of a compelling vision in your organization:

• Make sure the people in your organization know what business they are in. For example, when Walt Disney started his theme parks, he said, “We are in the happiness business.”
• Confirm that your people know where they are going—what good results would look like. At Disney, the picture of the future is that all guests of the parks would have the same smile on their faces when leaving as when they entered.
• Find out if the people in your organization are clear on what values will guide their journey. Disney’s first value is safety. Its next values are courtesy and “the show,” which is about everyone playing their parts perfectly, whether they are a ticket taker or Mickey Mouse. Disney’s final value is efficiency—having a well-run, profitable organization.

If you can share your compelling vision as clearly as Disney does, congratulations! You have just made common sense common practice.

SIMPLE TRUTH #3: Servant leaders turn the traditional pyramid upside down.

Most organizations and leaders get into trouble during the implementation phase of servant leadership if the traditional hierarchical pyramid is used. When that happens, whom do people think they work for? The people above them.

The minute you think you work for the person above you, you assume that person—your boss—is responsible and your job is to be responsive to your boss’s whims or wishes. “Boss watching” can become a popular sport where people get promoted based on their upward-influencing skills. As a result, all the energy of the organization moves up the hierarchy, away from customers and the frontline folks who are closest to the action.

Servant leaders know how to correct this situation by philosophically turning the pyramid upside down when it comes to implementation. Now the customer contact people and the customers are at the top of the organization, and everyone in the leadership hierarchy works for them. This one change makes a major difference in who is responsible and who is responsive.

MAKING COMMON SENSE COMMON PRACTICE

To make servant leadership come alive, implementation is key:

• Communicate to your people that you work for them, not the other way around. Your job is to serve, not to evaluate.
• Empower your people by letting them bring their brains to work. In this way, they become responsible— able to respond—to their internal and external customers. Your job is to be responsive to them, helping them accomplish their goals.

This creates a very different environment for implementation and makes it clear to everyone who is responsible, and to whom.

I hope I’ve piqued your interest in learning about how you can introduce our commonsense leadership practices into your organization. If I have, check out the free eBook we’ve put together that shares a little more information about Simple Truths of Leadership—and check out what others are saying about the book through retail booksellers such as Barnes & Noble or Amazon.com.

The world is in desperate need of a new leadership model—one that focuses on results and people. Trusted servant leadership is the approach Randy and I believe in. Let us know what you think!

Ron Darling, a stellar pitcher with the New York Mets in the 1980s, was going through a brutal divorce. He struggled through spring training and the start of the season. His emotional turmoil  hurt his game.

Davey Johnson, the team’s roughneck manager, noticed Darling’s struggles and reportedly said to him, “I went through a rough divorce. You can’t sleep. It affects every part of your life. It’s devastating. I get it. My heart goes out to you.”

He then continued, “But I’m also your manager. We pay you a lot of money to pitch. It’s also in your best interests to be successful. So leave the past behind you and throw the ball!” As the story goes, this conversation turned Darling’s career around.

This story is a wonderful illustration of the power of empathy. If Johnson hadn’t first empathized with his player’s difficulties, Darling might have become furious, left the team, or quit baseball. But Johnson first empathized, making Darling receptive to the truth, which inspired him to perform to the best of his ability.

The story also shows that empathetic leadership must not be used in isolation. It is a virtue that thrives when it’s coupled with other virtues. Being only empathetic would lead to its own set of problems. Balancing empathy with other qualities is where things can get a bit spicy.

Empathy is Essential for Great Leadership

Let’s start with some basics before we explore the complexity of this topic. A good leader is an empathetic leader. In fact, it’s hard to image a successful leader who isn’t empathetic.

The pandemic has taken an emotional toll on everyone. We have a greater need today to be heard and understood. We expect our leaders to acknowledge what we are feeling and be sensitive to it. That is why the quality of empathy is so prized right now.

Being empathetic isn’t just a feel-good philosophy. It stimulates innovation, spurs engagement, and improves retention. People who work for empathetic leaders are more productive, loyal, and happier at their jobs.

Being empathetic is a win-win proposition.

Empathy in Relationships

Empathy is fundamental part of our relationships. It is vital under certain circumstances. It’s when, as a leader, you know it’s time to ask, “How can I support you?”

Listening is a wonderful form of empathy. Sometimes people need to be heard and that’s sufficient. Sometimes people want advice. Whatever the case, though, empathy should result in meaningful action.

Empathy in Conversations

I like to say there are two kinds of conversations: useful and useless. Empathy is essential for a useful conversation. I must know how you are feeling if we are to have a meaningful exchange. By demonstrating empathy, I can connect with you, understand where you are, and move forward.

Useful conversations create positive regard between two people. They also create clarity and focus about what will happen next. In contrast, useless conversations lack clarity or end with a disagreement or a drop in regard from one or both people.

Sometimes people are unempathetic because they don’t know their own feelings or they project what they are feeling onto others. If I’m feeling suspicious, I assume the person I’m talking to is also feeling this way. Empathy really starts with self-awareness.

Empathy and Forthrightness

Empathy should be present in our interactions but needs to be coupled with forthrightness. It is a business truth that people need to perform, and, if they don’t meet expectations, the barriers to performance must be addressed.

To be clear, our reaction to someone in distress should be warm and empathetic. But that doesn’t mean the person should be coddled. In fact, they may not want to be coddled.

Empathy and Misreading Situations

It’s easy to misinterpret people and situations. We often bring our last conversation or the events of the day into the next interaction. We don’t always know if someone is reacting to us or to something that happened earlier. Observing someone’s behavior over a period of time is an effective way to separate what we might be projecting onto a situation.

Great leaders know how to balance their emotional and cognitive sides. They don’t get caught in someone else’s emotional turmoil. They listen with love. And they listen with discrimination. That combination produces true empathy.

Nice Versus Kind

When we’re empathizing with someone who’s struggling, there’s a tendency to be nice instead of kind. Nice is when we sugarcoat the truth or avoid it entirely. Kind is when we tell the truth in an empathetic or supportive way.

It’s unfair to withhold information from someone whose performance is subpar. You may feel it is the nice thing to do when someone is in distress, but it isn’t ultimately kind. The facts will remain unchanged no matter how you try to gloss over an issue. When you are kind, though, you are giving someone an opportunity to grow and change.

Empathy and kindness coupled with discrimination is always advisable.

Empathy and SLII®

The fundamental teaching of SLII® is how to break things down into discrete situations. Once you do this, you can deal with each situation based on its own merits. The first job of a leader taking a situational approach is to stop and consider the other person. This is an act of empathy.

One-on-one meetings, another cornerstone of SLII®, give leaders a chance to be empathetic. The employee sets the agenda and shares what’s important to them. Your job as a leader is to learn how they are performing and feeling—and empathize with their challenges.

A Final Thought

We all need to understand what positive and negative behaviors we regularly demonstrate. It’s so easy to become overwhelmed by our work that we lose sight of how we affect others.

When I catch myself falling into this trap, I’ll say to the other person, “Let me see if I can repeat back to you what I’ve heard so you know I understand what you’ve said.”

It’s my attempt to be empathetic. How about yours?

Dear Madeleine,

I am a veteran employee of a large, very healthy organization. I like the company and my co-workers. I’ve had plenty of advancement opportunities and I think my comp package is fair.

I have been managing people for a long time and feel that I am skilled. I am not just tooting my own horn—I get great feedback from my people and my boss is happy with my work. I would go so far as to say that I have had a fantastic career. I only have a few years left before I retire, which I look forward to—lots of grandkids to take fishing, golf, hiking, volunteer work for my local homeless shelter—and really thought I would stay here until I retire.

However, I get calls from headhunters. All the time. I get emails, voice mails, and now, somehow, they have my cell number so I have stopped picking up numbers I don’t recognize. I did have one conversation with someone who tried to convince me that I could have a shot at a senior executive position and a lot more money if I were to consider going elsewhere.

My wife thinks I am nuts not to explore the possibilities, but it feels like Pandora’s box to me. I like things the way they are. What would be the point of starting over someplace new? But then I worry that I might regret it if I don’t at least take a look at what’s being offered.

If it Ain’t Broke

________________________________________________________________________

Dear If it Ain’t Broke,

Don’t fix it.

Sorry you handed that to me on a silver platter. But seriously, don’t.

There are two questions here:

1. What is driving your wife’s agenda? Has she told you that you seem bored? Unengaged? Frustrated with your management team? Does she want you to make a lot more money? Perhaps she is bored with her own life and hopes that your making a big change will be entertaining? Does she resent, perhaps, that you don’t get enough time off to hang out with her? (Not that starting a new job will alleviate that!) The sooner you learn what is at the root of your wife’s opinion that you should turn your wonderful work life upside down, the better. There might be something to learn there.
2. If you were to stay where you are, what would you regret? Regret is yucky. Because it is wishing you could change the past, which is impossible. Do you judge yourself because you were once more ambitious? Did you once have dreams that you abandoned because of responsibilities? Would you be able to realize those dreams in a different company? Have you always wanted to be on an executive team or be the boss of everyone? If that is the case, you might want to go for it.

But what you really don’t want is to make a big leap to start over someplace else, only to find that you miss what you had. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants?

As a coach, I have a duty to help people get crystal clear about their values (what is most important to them), their needs (what they must have to fire on all cylinders), and their wants. In that order. For people to feel most fulfilled, they need first to be in an environment that feels aligned with their values, and then they must get their core psychological needs met. After that, they can use whatever time and energy they have left to get (or do) what they want. Anytime a person shakes up their environment, they must spend enormous brain power and energy stabilizing in a new system. This is why moving houses feels like a such a big deal. Moving jobs is even more of a big deal.

Moving jobs makes sense when you:

• can’t use your strengths,
• can’t change or grow,
• are crushed by political mayhem,
• hate what you are doing,
• hate the people you work with,
• are bored to tears,
• have too much responsibility without the autonomy or authority to use your own judgment, or
• have a fundamental problem with what the company does.

Moving jobs does not make sense to you for a reason; from your letter, it sounds like several reasons. Unless as you read this you get a flood of good reasons to move that you hadn’t thought of, I say enjoy the next few years where you are.

Have the conversation with your wife, though. You might uncover something she really wants that is causing her to push you. Then you can build a plan to help her get what she wants and let go of this conversation.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently hired to be a director for a customer service team that provides specialty roofing products to the construction industry. We have had a terrible time with our supply chain and the company has resorted to using what we all know are inferior components. As a result, our customers are coming to us with a record number of problems that end up in my lap. My people are frustrated and overwhelmed. The sheer volume of complaints is unmanageable and the cost of fixing the problems is eroding the profit margins.

Here’s the kicker: my boss is now asking me to press my people to talk customers into “just living with” the low-quality products.

I have taught all of my reps some language to appease customers, but the whole thing feels sickening to me. I am trying to hold the line, not let my frustration show, and help my people make the best of an impossible situation. But I can tell my team is starting to hate me. I don’t know what to do. My stress level is going through the roof.

I was so excited when I got this job, and now I wish I hadn’t. Any ideas would be helpful.

Lost and Confused

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Lost and Confused,

Your boss is asking you to talk customers into accepting less than what they expected, do nothing to rectify their situations, somehow convince your team to do the same thing—and, worst of all, develop the skills of a con artist. It sounds like the recipe for a heart attack.

I say no. Just no.

I just don’t see how you can do it. It would be one thing if there were no other jobs available, but everyone is desperate for talent and just about any job would be better than what you are being asked to do. Get busy on job sites STAT.

Of course, it could be possible that you misunderstood your boss, so check with him before you bail. Put your understanding in the clearest of terms and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.

I mean, seriously. A customer service rep’s job is to understand the customer’s complaint and do everything in their power to make it right—or, at the very least, to tell the truth about the situation and admit that the company’s hands are tied. You are being asked to do something that is, in fact, the exact opposite of customer service.

You have allowed your excitement about getting the job to blind you to reality. Go get another job and encourage your team members to do the same. Your company’s management is going to have to figure out how to manage customer expectations and simply turn down work they can’t deliver on. But by the time they get there, I hope you will be long gone.

I’m sorry. I wish I had a better idea. I’d be interested to see any in the comments. But sometimes you have to admit the reality you’re dealing with and just get out to save your soul. Run—don’t walk—away from this madness.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

“The most successful leaders have a clear understanding of what leadership means to them. They are able to articulate this viewpoint to colleagues and direct reports for the purposes of building stronger relationships,” says Pat Zigarmi, a founding associate of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Zigarmi recently sat down with Chad Gordon of the Blanchard LeaderChat podcast to share a three step process from Leading at A Higher Level the bestselling business book coauthored by the founding associates and consulting partners of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

1. Identify key people and events that have shaped and influenced your thoughts about leadership.
2. Describe your leadership values by explaining specific behaviors.
3. Share your expectations of yourself and of others.

“The process is purposefully thoughtful and requires time to complete,” says Zigarmi. “The first step is to spend some time thinking about people who have influenced your life, such as parents, grandparents, coaches, or bosses. Also, think about key events that might have been turning points for you. Then describe what you learned about leadership from these people and events.”

Next, Zigarmi suggests you identify your core values.

“But don’t just create a list of words. Create a narrative that defines your core beliefs and how they influence your behaviors as a leader.”

“The last step focuses on describing what you expect of yourself as a leader, what you expect of others, and what the people you lead can expect from you. When people know the expectations, you have for yourself and for them, all goals are easier to reach.”

“Sharing your leadership point of view with your direct reports is the ultimate indication that leadership is a partnership—something you do with people, not to people.”

To hear more from Zigarmi’s interview, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today.

In a perfect world, your leaders are inspiring, people know how to succeed, and everyone is engaged. In the real world, leaders are a source of tension, people aren’t sure what to do, and employees are disengaged.

A few distressing facts show how dysfunctional the typical office is

• 75% of workers say the most stressful aspect of their job is their immediate boss_[1]
• 54% of workers are “not engaged” and 14% of workers are “actively disengaged”_[2]
• 50% of employees don’t know what is expected of them_[3]

Leaders not understanding either their leadership points of view or how they affect others is a cause of these troubles.

Most leaders haven’t taken the time to reflect on their leadership values or how they want to lead. Because of this, direct reports have little insight into a leader’s motivations. This can leave them confused by their leader’s actions and suspicious of their intentions. Misunderstanding, lack of trust, and disengagement quickly follow.

But you can create a dynamic workplace with Leadership Point of View (LPOV): a transformative learning experience that takes leaders on a journey of self-understanding.

LPOV helps your leaders identify experiences that shaped how they lead. Blanchard coaches assist them in developing a compelling narrative that turns these pivotal events into a leadership story. Leaders then share their journey with their colleagues.

Sharing a Leadership Point of View is a deeply personal experience that wins the hearts of listeners. By being vulnerable, leaders reveal themselves and their leadership philosophy. People gain a new perspective of their leader and a better understanding of their motivations. A leader is freed to be more authentic and inspiring. Their people find a renewed commitment to working with them.

Several Blanchard leaders recently participated in the LPOV. We asked them to share their experiences.

What was your biggest challenge before sharing your LPOV?

Lindsay Ray, Senior Director of Client Services: Before discovering my LPOV, I had never taken the time to dig deep and really consider what life experiences have defined how I lead today. I get stuck in the trap of thinking “there is nothing that interesting about me,” so I had to do some real reflection. I felt a bit nervous and unsure about what the outcome would be. 

Diana Johnson Urbina, Head of Coaching Services: I tend to be action oriented. I make fast decisions, with the intent to test each idea. It’s rarely a final decision when I make one. Some of my people were struggling to believe this. They perceived me as dictating how things should be done, and I never intended them to feel this way. I was disappointed to learn that some had made these assumptions and I was frustrated with the resulting dynamics on my team.

Richard Pound, Vice President of Indirect Sales: People knew me, but didn’t know how I became the person I am. Sometimes, they didn’t understand why I considered something important. That could be frustrating to me and those that I work with.

What was your LPOV experience like?

Richard Pound: It was a discovery experience. I say “discover,” as your LPOV is already inside you, but the process I went through helped me surface, clarify, and articulate what is important to me as a leader. It helped me understand my core personal values and share the events in my life that have shaped me as a person and as a leader.

It was a very safe, supportive, and rewarding experience—and a challenging one because I had really dig deep to explore the experiences that made me who I am.

Diana Johnson Urbina: The experience I had with my coach was wonderful. It felt like a chat with an old friend about how I came to be the leader I am today. I was given an opportunity to share how my experiences shaped me and what I value. I was able to draw a clear line between my values and expectations.

Lindsay Ray: It gave my colleagues a frame of reference about me that they never would have had otherwise. It put language to my values, and gave me something to refer back to, especially when things at work are challenging. 

What changed after sharing your LPOV?

Diana Johnson Urbina: Everyone was so appreciative that I was willing to share and be so open and vulnerable. It helped them connect with me. Some of my team members who were guarded became more open and felt more comfortable with my leadership approach. I asked them, “Given my values and expectations, where are we aligned and where are we at odds? How can we navigate the gaps we have?” They felt comfortable to answer honestly.

Lindsay Ray: My people reacted very positively! Everyone was supportive, asked great questions, and was genuinely interested in learning more about me and my story. We felt closer because of it. Some of the stories I had shared only with the people close to me, so it was a big step to share them professionally. 

Richard Pound: My team had a better understanding of what to expect from me. They also knew what I would expect of them. This deeper understanding was extremely valuable. My people also really appreciated me showing that kind of vulnerability.

Sharing my key values was also helpful. People understood why I do what I do, and why I am what I am.

Because my people now had a much better understanding of my priorities, they are more committed to accomplishing things I consider important. I feel empowered to be a better leader. And being a better leader improves the lives of the people you lead.

Anything else you’d like to share?

Richard Pound: This has been an invaluable discovery process for me, and I see the real impact that it has had on the way that we work as a team. Going through the LPOV process with my work colleagues was also very rewarding. I learned more about them and built deeper relationships.

Lindsay Ray: It was thoughtful, deep, and inspiring to hear the story of others. Overall it was a wonderful experience! 

Diana Johnson Urbina: To sum up the impact it had,it improved psychological safety for my team. It gave them permission to be real. Now we all operate at a much more authentic and appreciative level.

How about you?

Ready to start your leaders on their journey of self-discovery with Leadership Point of View?  Visit the  LPOV information page on the Blanchard website.  Interested in learning more about the LPOV process from a first-hand experience?  Join us for a complimentary webinar on October 20, Creating and Sharing Your Leadership Point of View.  The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

[1] https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/organization/our-insights/the-boss-factor-making-the-world-a-better-place-through-workplace-relationships

[2] https://www.gallup.com/workplace/313313/historic-drop-employee-engagement-follows-record-rise.aspx

[3] fastcompany.com/90679528/i-spoke-to-5000-people-and-these-are-the-real-reasons-theyre-quitting

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a scrappy startup that offers a system for weight loss and coaching. It’s for folks who need extra help losing and maintaining their weight and who want a healthier lifestyle. All of the interaction is over text, with some notes being automated to offer specific messages at different points in the program. The service is good, we are helping a lot of people, and I am proud of what we do.

I manage a team of 20 coaches. All have been carefully selected and have received a ton of training. My problem is the owners of the company are constantly trying to cut costs. They keep making decisions that impact the quality of the service and cause my coaches to have to work far more hours than they are supposed to. They are paid by the hour and aren’t paid overtime—but it isn’t humanly possible for them to do what they are supposed to do in the allotted time.

The owners don’t share the financials with us, but I can do math, so I have a sense of what is going on. It is clear they are making bad decisions to amplify profits.

The most recent situation is a perfect example. Several of my coaches put in for and were confirmed for time off this summer, but the plan that has been put into place is absurd: When coaches take vacation, they are not tell any of their clients. The automated messages will go out and when individuals do interact by text, a back-up team will handle all communication. The idea was fine, but it turns out that vacations weren’t coordinated between team leaders so we have a lot of coaches out at the same time. The back-up team is far too small—and some of them, it turns out, work only part time.

My coaches who are on vacation are freaking out. They are getting messages from clients who are upset that no one has replied to them. Some are jumping in and doing the work because they are worried their clients will complain about them and they will get bad reviews or even lose their jobs. I have raised the issue with the owners, who, true to form, seem unconcerned.

Some of our coaching is about having good boundaries and taking care of oneself so stress and resentment don’t turn into emotional or stress eating. It is really bothering me that my coaches aren’t getting their vacation time.

I don’t believe the owners of this company really care about our customers or our employees. I feel like a hypocrite continuing to work here. I would appreciate your view on this.

Stressing

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stressing,

Of course, I do have a view on this. But, honestly, you could just read your own letter out loud to yourself and have all the answers you need.

I don’t fault the owners for wanting to make money—that is the point of being in business, after all. However, the problem here is that if they keep up the corner cutting, they won’t be in business much longer. The weight loss/wellness space is exploding and the competition is brutal. The only way to survive is to be better than the other companies. Lying to customers (!), taking advantage of employees, and poor planning do not bode well for long-term success. Feeling hypocritical is fair—and unpleasant. But lack of confidence in the management of the company might be an even bigger concern.

I’ll bet you could find another similar job elsewhere, with an employer that values their people and has figured out how to run their business. You would be a role model for being proactive, having integrity, and taking care of yourself.

As you look around for another gig, of course, do try to talk to your employers. I imagine they will lose customers just from this last vacation debacle, and maybe they will pay attention to the holes in the systems once the dust settles from this mess.

Honor your instincts that something is wrong in the business, and that you know unsustainable business practices when you see them.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Robert “Bo” Brabo learned early in his military career that values drive results. Committing fully to admirable organizational values up, down, and across the organization, every day and in every way, is a powerful formula for success. In his latest book, From the Battlefield to the White House to the Boardroom, Brabo shares examples of how values-based leadership in the military, government, for-profit, and not-for-profit sectors has led to success.  

The book is full of practical lessons and inspiring case studies to help leaders and aspiring leaders develop, embrace, and strengthen a values-based approach to leading people, projects, and organizations. The keys are to make sure your behaviors are in alignment with your values and to focus on your team members and colleagues. Brabo believes when you help people tackle their problems as if they were your own, you form a partnership that creates a culture of trust and leads to success. This level of commitment to helping people reach their goals is the ultimate example of servant leadership.

Brabo challenges you to have the courage it takes to be a values-based leader—and introduces steps you can follow to make values-based leadership a reality.

For more information about Robert “Bo” Brabo, visit www.robertbrabo.com

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Bo Brabo, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today.

It’s hard to believe it’s been more than a year since the world was blindsided by a global pandemic. Millions of people are mourning losses due to COVID-19: family members, friends, and colleagues who have died; businesses and jobs that have been lost; savings accounts that have been depleted. Almost everyone has experienced some form of loss, whether it’s canceled weddings, graduations, and family events, or not being able to visit relatives—or even hug friends.

Acknowledging the worst parts of the past year is difficult and necessary. But it’s also important to see the upside of how things have changed from the way they were a year ago.

The Marvels of Video Conferencing

The past year was a turning point in the way much of the world does business. We had no choice at first—businesses were shut down, people were quarantined at home, and nobody was flying, so we needed to get more familiar with meeting online. The technology was already there; we only had to jump on and ride!

I love being able to sit down and get on a Zoom call today instead of packing a suitcase and getting on a plane. Walking downstairs is a great way to commute! I can talk with hundreds of people at once without leaving my chair. I’m available to drop in on training sessions to chat with participants whenever I’m asked. If a salesperson has a client who might want to meet me, I can sit in on a meeting with the CEO or the whole leadership team. Last week I was in a meeting with a salesperson in England and a client in Ireland. The next day I was on with one person in Italy and one in South Africa! I can spread myself around so much more efficiently now, which helps our sales team, serves our clients and our learners, and doesn’t require me to travel beyond my home office. That’s a win-win-win.

Because so many of the folks in our company work remotely now, our teams can meet more often because it’s much easier to get everyone together virtually. I’m seeing and getting to know people who work with us that I’ve never had a chance to meet—and they are getting to know each other better, too.

Of course, moderation is in order even with this miraculous technology. As the months have gone by, we’ve been hearing more about “Zoom fatigue,” where people get burned out by back-to-back video meetings. I like the solution of scheduling meetings for 45 minutes, not 60, so you aren’t logging into one meeting right after another. If you combine this approach with microbreaks, it could go a long way toward combating Zoom fatigue.

Even if it’s not yet a perfect science, video conferencing seems to be the best way to go for many organizations right now—and I’m not sure that will change anytime soon.

The Virtual One Minute Manager

The same technology that enables you to meet with clients and teams can be used to manage your direct reports. This is especially helpful if you’re not in an office and able to practice “Management By Wandering Around”—a technique originated by the Hewlett-Packard Company in the 1970s. When Spencer Johnson and I wrote The One Minute Manager^®in 1981, we made the practice one of our title character’s management habits, although we never used the phrase. In our original book, the One Minute Manager “never seemed to be very far away” from his people, so he could observe their behavior face to face and catch them doing things right. In 2015 when we wrote the updated edition titled The New One Minute Manager^®, we acknowledged the fact that managers were no longer always in the same place as their people. And since the advent of COVID-19, of course, remote workers are far more common.

So, what’s the virtual equivalent of Management By Wandering Around? As a manager, make sure you set One Minute Goals with your direct report so you’re both clear on expectations. Stay informed on data and performance relating to those goals, and regularly schedule virtual one-on-one meetings with them. When your direct report does something right, call the person or schedule a quick Zoom meeting to give a One Minute Praising. If you notice them moving in the wrong direction, use the same method to contact the person and help them get back on track with a One Minute Re-Direct.

The Upside of COVID-19 on Home Life

At the time I am writing this, the United States and many other countries are moving quickly toward vaccinating people as soon as possible. My wife, Margie, and I feel relieved that we have had both of our vaccinations. We are eagerly looking forward to the day when we can once again open our offices to our colleagues, have friends and family visit us at our house, and do what I miss the most—hug people. Like most others, we have had to give up some enjoyable parts of our lives to stay safe. Yet we’ve been appreciating the simple pleasures around us. Here are some examples:

Bonding with pets. Margie and I have noticed over the years that our little dog, Joy, has always seemed happiest when we’ve taken time off from traveling. She just loves it when we are home with her. You may guess that Joy has been ecstatic for more than a year now. She is also a big clown and can always cheer us up when we start feeling down. If you are a dog lover, you know how therapeutic dogs can be. Last year when people realized quarantine was going to go on for a while, there was a surge of adoptions at shelters all over the country. So many people were adopting pets that a lot of shelters ran out—I remember the news reports showing all the empty cages. It was a beautiful sight.

Watching movies. We’ve been having a lot of fun watching old movies—some favorites we had already seen several times and some new ones recommended by friends. It’s an enjoyable way to spend time together, whether the movies are good or bad.

Enjoying socially distant, outdoor gatherings. Last summer our neighborhood held a socially distant “block party.” We all brought our own chairs, food, and drinks. We wore masks, sat at least six feet apart, and had interesting conversations. Even at a distance and with masks on it was wonderful to see our neighbors and even meet a few new folks. We are looking forward to doing it again now that spring is here.

Appreciating the great outdoors.  Margie and I have been getting outdoors more often—walking with our dog, Joy, or golfing almost every week at our local Par 3 course. Anything that can get you out of the house and into the fresh air is a good thing. Going for a walk is good mental and physical therapy and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Practicing Kindness and Gratitude

The pandemic isn’t over, and we’ll all need patience until it is. One way to cope is to focus on the good that’s come out of this challenging year—not an easy task. As author and philosopher Eric Hoffer wrote: “The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”

Meanwhile, let’s be kind to everyone we encounter. We don’t know what they may have gone through in the past year—or what they may be going through now. Let’s keep sending out thoughts and prayers to people we love and continue reaching out to help others who have suffered great losses or illness and are still hurting. And let’s not forget to be grateful for the blessings in our lives.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a global manufacturing company. I manage managers and I am responsible for about 300 people around the globe. I was trained as an engineer and I really loved my job— until recently.

I am not sure what happened, but about a year ago—long before the COVID crisis—I noticed that I just didn’t care anymore. There’s still plenty of work and plenty of urgency, and I still have the same team reporting to me that I care so much about—but I just don’t feel like any of it matters. We are getting good results, and in many ways the current crisis is benefiting our business, so it’s not that I am overwhelmed. I have total job security. I thought it might be burnout, because I do work a lot. But I read up on that and it isn’t quite that.

I think it is somehow connected to not having a sense of purpose. What do you think? How important is it to have a sense of purpose? And if it is important, how do I find mine?

Just Don’t Care

Dear Just Don’t Care,

What yucky way to feel. I’m sorry. Burnout is, in fact, the usual suspect when people feel the way you describe. But if you have reviewed the literature and don’t think that is the root cause of your yuck, there are a couple of other ideas to consider. It might be a combination of a bunch of different things.

Grief. Is it possible that you lost someone dear to you a bit before you started feeling this way? In Western culture, we tend to feel like grief should be something we need to get over in a prescribed time period and that it is an act of will. It just is not so. Grief can last a very long time, to the point that we don’t even connect how sad we are to the precipitating incident. I once worked with a client who was feeling the way you described. When I asked if he thought it might be grief, he said: “I lost my partner four months ago, but it can’t be grief because she was really sick for a long time and I knew she was going to die.” I was stunned. Where did that rule come from? Grief is grief. It has its own timetable. You just have to find small ways to make life bearable until it lifts. Or, if you think it has gone on way too long, you can get some help with it.

Depression. If you have a family history of depression, you may recognize it. If you think you might be depressed, you could start with focusing on getting your needs met and finding your path to a purpose. You may also consider diet, exercise, or getting outdoors—all of which literally change your brain chemistry. Depression is such a common diagnosis these days, if that were the problem it’s likely you already would have self-diagnosed.

Core personal needs. It is possible that you have some fundamental core needs, or even just one, that isn’t being met. Either you were getting your needs met, something changed, and now your needs aren’t getting met but you haven’t noticed it; or you never noticed something critical was missing, and now you do. Linda Berens, an expert on personality types and the way personality differences affect relationships, has this to say about needs: “The needs represent … the driving force. Individuals unconsciously and consciously seek every avenue to get the needs met. When these needs are met, the individual is energized and light of spirit. When these needs are not met, the individual is drained of energy and suffers dissatisfaction or stress.” If you are interested in understanding more, check out Linda’s work here.

Another expert on needs, Abraham Maslow, established a now widely accepted theory that all human beings have a hierarchy of needs that must be met in a specific order. His work has flowed into the zeitgeist the way Freud’s notion of the unconscious has—although his view of humans is more optimistic than Freud’s. According to Maslow, humans are hardwired to satisfy basic needs for shelter, air, food, and water. Once those have been satisfied, people are free to then build stability and safety for their lives. This is generally represented by a strong and safe family unit.

Then, when people feel safe and stable, the natural impulse is to seek groups so that they feel accepted and build camaraderie. This is the need for belonging. Then, and only then, are people free to meet their esteem needs, which usually take the form of competence or mastery. There is overlap between the need to belong and the esteem needs. Humans naturally seek to belong to groups that recognize their accomplishments.

The last need in Maslow’s hierarchy is self-actualization, or the deep desire for people to maximize their potential. Self-actualization often takes the form of a search for knowledge, a quest for mastery, a life devoted to God, and what we generally think of as self-fulfillment. There is a good chance that you have the first two, or even three—moving from the bottom of the pyramid up—pretty much covered. Possibly, you have been super focused on other needs, and, now that they are fully met, it is time to turn your attention to the next level.

Values and purpose. Another possibility, the one you suspect, is that you have become aware that is it time to identify your purpose. Your purpose will be rooted in your values—those things that you say are important to you. When people spend too much of their time devoted to work that is not aligned with their values, they can easily fall into a funk. Maybe something changed about your job or at home so that you are no longer allowed to be focused on what is most important to you. It might be useful to identify what has changed; it could help you to identify what is missing now. This state of mind can be subtle and creep up so you don’t even notice it until—you described it really well—you wake up one day feeling like nothing matters. Some people manage to go through their entire lives without ever thinking about their purpose, while others seem to be driven by it early on.

My experience with clients is that having a clear purpose is especially useful when you are committed to doing hard things over a long period of time or when you are going through times that are tedious. If you have never done purpose work—often referred to by Simon Sinek as your “WHY”— now is the perfect time to give it some thought. Of course, there are entire books and courses devoted to this topic, so here are some questions to get you started:

Questions to ask to define your purpose:

• What do you do easily and naturally that you are known for, that people come to you for, and that others thank you for?
• What are you doing when you are in the zone, lose track of time, and would do it for free if you didn’t need a paycheck?
• What are you willing to do despite knowing you might be judged by others or that it might make you look foolish?
• What dream did you have when you were younger that you meant to defer but then forgot about?
• Considering what is important to you, and your purpose to the extent that you have a sense of it, what do you see is reasonably possible (with a fair amount of work and commitment) for you?
• Can you paint a detailed picture?
• What does the picture tell you?
• What could you do now—just as a first step—so that the picture can be manifested in reality some day?

You will have to experiment a little and notice what gives you joy and feels like the right direction. That’s okay, you have time, and you will start feeling better once you start picking up clues and penciling out a plan. I personally dabbled in a topic for thirteen years before finally getting serious and signing up for classes. Seven years later I am still a neophyte, partially because it takes decades to master, partially because there is still the family (husband, four kids, three dogs), the full-time job (which I love) and, you know, life. But I have made slow and steady progress, which allows me to feel 100% on purpose and gives me extraordinary satisfaction.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t suggest that you schedule a physical with a doctor. There might be a chemical reason for feeling the way you do; you just never know. If your hormones are wildly out of whack or you are deficient in some key nutrient, a visit to your doctor will rule it in or out. Your doctor may diagnose depression—which of course might be true—but unmet needs or a lack of purpose and values alignment are often diagnosed as depression.

Of course, the feeling might just lift on its own, but I do encourage you to continue your inquiry—it can only help. Good luck to you. There is so much joy to be had in this life. I hope you can find your way back to it.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Diversity, always a weighty topic, has become a profoundly important concern over the past several weeks. Nevertheless, many people and businesses continue to struggle in their attempts to address the issue. In her latest book, Diversity Beyond Lip Service, La’Wana Harris relies on her experience as a Certified Diversity Executive, ICF Certified Coach, and global leadership development professional to offer guidance to help individuals, leaders, and organizations effectively navigate this crucial period in history.

Harris explains that to build a sustainable culture of inclusion, we all must become aware of our own biases and then do the self-work to move forward with actions that have a positive impact. The brilliance of the book lies in Harris’s COMMIT model, which is designed to serve as a call to action for those who want to be part of the solution. This process emphasizes the following directives:

Commit to Courageous Action. First, determine the contribution or difference you want to make by creating a culture of inclusion. Then define what success looks like and how you will measure it, and set specific goals.

Open Your Eyes and Ears. Become mindful about what you see, what you overlook, and what you will stop tolerating.

Move Beyond Lip Service. Decide what you need to take responsibility for in order to raise the bar on inclusion and define your actions.

Make Room for Controversy and Conflict. Address what scares you about diversity and inclusion and identify both what you can stop doing and what you can say no to in order to become the best version of yourself.

Invite New Perspectives. Recognize the ways you are changing, the choices you are making, and how you will stay aware of the perspectives of others to remain vigilant.

Tell the Truth Even When It Hurts. Understand how being inclusive honors your values and how the stories you tell yourself represent cultures different from your own.

Above all, Harris recognizes there isn’t a quick fix to this issue. She reminds us that true change will take place only when people make a fundamental shift in how they approach diversity. She points out that traditional efforts have been oriented from the outside in—we’ve spent decades telling people what they should think, say, and do in relation to diversity and inclusion.

Harris suggests an inside-out approach instead—one that helps individuals go deep within their own beliefs to first understand their biases and then do the self-work to begin their journey to diversity appreciation.

The best part is the how-to steps provided by Harris in this thoughtful and important book. If you want to be a leader who ignites innovation in your team and brings out the best in everyone, read Diversity Beyond Lip Service today.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview La’Wana Harris, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. For more information on La’Wana Harris, go to lawanaharris.com or find her on LinkedIn.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a small company. My boss (a boomer) keeps mentioning that I need to develop my brand. I really don’t understand what she means.

The more I learn about personal branding, the more it feels like something that can limit me. It also feels like kind of an old, tired idea. What do you think?

Branded?

Dear Branded,

I think your first step is to ask your boss what she means by it. Do you need to increase your visibility in the organization? Do you need to somehow distinguish yourself from others? Her answer may clarify her suggestion and help you make up your mind. In the meantime, let’s examine the whole concept of personal branding.

I have a clear memory of a Fast Company cover from 1997 with a big article by Tom Peters. (Tom Peters isn’t even technically a boomer; he was born in 1942.) I even remember at the time thinking Wow, that’s a little gross.

If you Google Fast Company and branding, the next link is a piece from 2019 titled You Are Not a Brand, which expresses feelings much like yours. Gross.

And so, the pendulum swings. But. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Wikipedia defines personal branding as “the conscious and intentional effort to create and influence public perception of an individual by positioning them as an authority in their industry, elevating their credibility, and differentiating themselves from the competition, to ultimately advance their career, increase their circle of influence, and have a larger impact.”

Now seriously, how could that be bad? Do you want to advance your career? Do you want to increase your circle of influence? Do you want to make a larger impact? Maybe you don’t. That’s fine, I’m not judging. But here’s the thing. Contrary to common sense, the reward for excellent work is not promotion, a killer reputation, or rewards. The reward for excellent work is more work. It is a confounding truth. So if you want the reward for your excellent work to be something other than just more work, you’re going to have to engage in a little bit of personal public relations. Is that different from branding? Maybe. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a mashup of branding and building a strong network of relationships.

Brand is only a dirty word if it means cooking up a bunch of lies about yourself and trying to get others to believe them. That is gross. And it just isn’t going to fly, because it is unsustainable in the long term. Brand can be used as an umbrella word to express the concept that you know who you are and the value you bring to the table. But it also must be aligned with what you want to achieve. So you’re going to have a bunch of interesting strengths, but the ones you highlight will depend on your goals. You might think of your brand as simply what you want to be known for.

You may not even know, and that’s OK. You can find out. Ask trusted friends or family what they think makes you special. Ask your boss what special value you add. Take the Standout Assessment https://www.marcusbuckingham.com/—it’s free right now! The cool thing about Standout is that it takes your top strengths and puts them together to form a unique and powerful combination. And take the Values in Action assessment (also free!) to pinpoint your top character strengths. It’s so positive, it’s sure to make you smile.

If you are aiming for a leadership position, you can start working on your Leadership Point of View right now. This is a written outline of your beliefs and attitudes about leadership, your leadership values, your standards for yourself, and what you expect of others. It is utterly and completely about you. No holds barred, no baloney, totally truthful.

If you tell the truth, it can never limit you. The truth will change and your brand will evolve with you as you grow, so you have to keep your eye on it.

You can easily outgrow your idea of yourself without realizing it. I keep a written credo pasted into my journal. (I, too, am a boomer and I’m hopelessly addicted to paper and writing by hand.) When I recently started a new journal, I had to change a phrase in my credo. I used to say “I practice brutal realism and reckless optimism” and I had to change the word reckless to tireless. As it turns out, I have had the recklessness beaten out of me. It was true for a long time, just not anymore.

Here’s another possible way to go about it. A professional speaking coach once taught me that to show up authentically and powerfully, you have to be able to answer three questions. (I added a fourth.)

1. How do you see yourself?
2. How do others see you?
3. How do want to be seen?
4. How must you be seen to achieve your goals?

If there is a gap between #1 and #2, it needs to be reflected upon. If there is a gap between #2 and #3, that is data about how you’re showing up that you can take under advisement. And finally, #4 is a choice—but you can only amplify or leverage something that is already true about you to be successful. You have wonderful qualities that you can cultivate and showcase. You just have to decide which ones are going to be most useful.

The idea of personal branding may be dead, but if my LinkedIn feed hawking the services of countless personal branding experts is any indication, maybe not. Regardless, it won’t hurt you to get a clear picture of the value you bring and what makes you special—what makes you uniquely you. Nobody ever really succeeds at trying to be something they’re not.

Eventually, people will catch on and won’t trust you. You can decide what qualities to reveal and amplify, but ultimately people will see the real you.

Oscar Wilde famously said “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” For purposes of branding, I might amend it to: “Be the best version of yourself.”

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

It has recently become apparent that one of my newer direct reports is lying. In one instance, he told me a presentation was proofed and ready to go and I found out it wasn’t when I went into the document on our shared drive to make a change. In another instance, I learned from a colleague that he had claimed to her team that we were further along with a deliverable than we actually were. And there have been other, less impactful, little red flags.

The crazy thing is that the lies are so easy to uncover—especially the shared drive documents where anyone can see the last time he was in the document. When I confronted him, he claimed he had completed the deck but the changes weren’t saved. We are a technology company so claiming technical failure can work when a whole system crashes, but this is just bald-faced lying—on top of unforgivable technical ignorance. It is one thing to be caught and apologize, which is what I would expect, but now it is adding insult to injury.

I am very clear about my expectations when new people join my team, but it never occurred to me to tell people they are not allowed to lie. I am so mad that I’m having a hard time thinking straight about this. I don’t know what to do. What do you think?

Liar Liar

Dear Liar Liar,

My first thought is no. Nope. No, no, no, no. Zero tolerance for lying. Then I thought about it some more, and guess what? Still no.

It is true—you wouldn’t think you’d need to tell people they can’t lie. But then something like this happens and you realize that what is obvious to you just is not obvious to everyone. It is fair to say that all implicit expectations need to be made explicit. That way, when someone does something you simply don’t anticipate, you have your explicit expectations to fall back on. Black and white. No grey area, no confusion, no discussion.

Potential expectations and grounds for dismissal might be:

1. No lying
2. No cheating
3. No stealing
4. No drinking on the job
5. No showing up to work in a bikini top
6. No showing up to in-person client presentations in bare feet
7. Do not bring your dog to a client meeting
8. No smoking in the restrooms

Numbers 5-8 are examples of expectations I wouldn’t have thought I needed to set. I’m not that creative. Just when I think I can no longer be surprised by human beings, I am surprised!

Now, there are the little fibs that many people tell to boost their egos, hide a minor infraction, or just entertain themselves. The thing is, if it doesn’t interfere with work or create static in the system, you probably don’t even notice it. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

You sound like a sensible person. You must have hired this man for a reason—presumably, you thought he was going to bring something worthwhile to the table. You may be considering the high cost of hiring, onboarding, and training someone new. In case you’re motivated to try to salvage this employee, and if you think this could help, you might share our extraordinary Trust Model with him. This model does what all truly brilliant models do: it clarifies and simplifies a deeply layered and complex issue. You might even share this step by step guide to rebuilding trust with him. It can be helpful for people who need to break lifelong trust-busting habits.

Or you may just be fed up enough to not want to take the time. It’s up to you.

Before you go firing anyone, though, I suggest you get HR involved and start documenting. Call out the behavior every time you see it and make a note of exactly what happens. Work with your HR person to decide in advance how many (more) chances you will give Pants on Fire. People lie for all kinds of complicated reasons, many of which would evoke your compassion. So you don’t have to be mean about it, but you must refuse to tolerate it.

Prior to his final chance, you can literally say “lying will not be tolerated.” If you feel like you just don’t have the heart, I can recommend the work of Dr. Henry Cloud, an authority on setting boundaries. His book to check out is Boundaries for Leaders.

Don’t get mad. That just hurts you. Stay calm, point out the lies, and your liar will either clean up his act or lie his way out of a job.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

“I’m sure you’ve heard the saying People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. And that is so true for anyone who is in a leadership role today,” says Kathy Cuff, senior consulting partner at The Ken Blanchard Companies.

“In our SLII® leadership development class we conduct an exercise where we ask people to reflect back on their best boss. We ask them to identify the attitudes and behaviors that earned that boss the ‘best’ ranking in their eyes. People share many different positive behaviors. To sum it up, best bosses care about each direct report as a person. They see something the person doesn’t see in themselves. That’s especially important today with everything we are facing in our lives.

“Now more than ever, people need to know that their boss cares about them, their development, and their career aspirations. How would they like to grow? Where do they want to direct their energy and their passion?”

As a leader, you can demonstrate caring, compassionate, and empathetic behavior. It begins with asking good questions to learn more about your direct reports as individual people, not just employees.

“A great way to build this into your leadership routine is to set aside 15 to 30 minutes every other week for a one-on-one meeting where your direct report sets the agenda—the meeting is about whatever they want to talk about. It’s an opportunity for managers and direct reports to get to know each other so the relationship can be about more than just the job.”

That’s a big shift compared with what happens in most one-on-ones, says Cuff.

“Most of the time, one-on-ones are just progress reports where the leader checks on how much progress the employee is making toward their goals. How about a meeting that is geared to what the employee wants to talk about? This provides that person with an opportunity to share not just what they’re working on but also what they need and how you, their leader, can help them. They also may want to talk about their family, sports or hobbies, or other things going on in their life.

“Now you’re listening and being present and available on a regular basis—exactly the behaviors that demonstrate you care. And you can share, too. It’s important to remember that people can’t read your caring mind but they can see your caring behavior. The combination of being available, listening, and giving them your time—those are the kind of behaviors that show you care.”

Letting people know you care may be harder than you think, says Cuff—especially when everyone is stressed and pressed for time.

“Leaders may wish to be seen as caring, but when something pressing comes up they have a choice to make. More often than not, the one-on-one will get postponed, rescheduled, or worse—canceled altogether. Obviously, as a manager there will always be situations where you have time constraints or changes to your schedule. But consider the message you send to your team member when you cancel their time.

“Look at the things we are experiencing right now—changing work situations, new policies and procedures, more people working from home—during extraordinary times, making time for your people simply has to be a top priority. If you ignore critical events happening in people’s lives, you’re sending the wrong message.”

However, don’t worry if you’re not perfect or if you don’t have all the answers, says Cuff.

“You might think if you admit to your people you don’t know how to solve every problem, they will see you as weak. That’s not true. When you show your vulnerabilities, rather than thinking less of you, people will actually think more of you. Why? Because they already know you don’t know everything!

“Colleen Barrett, president emeritus of Southwest Airlines, wrote a book with Ken Blanchard called Lead with LUV: A Different Way to Create Real Success. It came out just after the great economic recession we experienced in 2008. One of the messages Colleen shared in that book was that as a leader, people will admire you for your skills, but they will love you for your vulnerability. When you are willing to acknowledge that you don’t have it all together, people will relate to that. And it will give them an opportunity to step in, share their ideas, and make a contribution.

“Leaders need to demonstrate they care by spending time with their people. That’s how you inspire performance. And when people know you care about them, they will do whatever they can to help you.”

You can read about Kathy Cuff here. And to learn more about Blanchard’s SLII® approach to building meaningful connections through authentic conversations, check out the SLII® information page.

As an antidote to the negative consequences of personality-based leadership theories, new generations of leadership, learning, and talent development professionals are rediscovering servant leadership. That’s great news for those of us who believe that simply focusing on acting like a leader is a poor substitute for developing the character and behaviors of someone who truly believes that people lead best when they serve first.

As the Head of Learning & Organizational Development at The Ken Blanchard Companies in the Asia Pacific region, most of my professional career has been spent studying leadership from every angle. Having taught servant leadership for several years, I find myself continually returning to three key servant leadership principles—standing back, authenticity, and humility. My hope is that these principles will help you not only in your own leadership studies but also as you consider servant leadership for your organization.

Standing Back

Standing back means serving with a mindset of observing an individual’s needs. The servant leader becomes involved only when they can clearly see a way to add value to the process for the other person. The leader sees themselves as coach or facilitator of an environment or a project. They watch and respond as needed. From this mindset flows a host of skills to be developed and applied such as listening, asking questions, providing feedback, and many others. We have captured a comprehensive list of these skills by asking L&D professionals in our workshops what servant leadership looks like to them. Use this link to see what skills L&D professionals identified most often.

Authenticity

Authenticity as a servant leadership characteristic is often misunderstood. It’s not about leaders saying what they mean without a filter—it’s about them knowing who they are as both a leader and a person, and being comfortable in both roles.

In my work with clients, I call this leadership principle “being grounded.” Authentic servant leaders speak respectfully, when it’s appropriate. They are aware of their core values and don’t have a need to boast. They openly appreciate others for their merits in a genuine and meaningful manner. When a leader acknowledges their team members’ successes and supports them in realigning their goals after failures, it promotes learning and growth. A servant leader demonstrates authentic leadership through behaviors that are based on their values. They have a clear, centered sense of self and communicate in a way that serves others.

Humility

Some might say that leaders with humility know how much they don’t know. When they work with people who have more expertise than they do, they are confidently humble. They may even ask “Could you teach me? Could you help me? Could you facilitate my learning?” They are also proactive in asking their direct reports for feedback on their leadership style; e.g., “How do you feel about the way I’ve been working with you and leading the team?”

The humble servant leader is confident in their own capabilities and personality. They believe in serving others through continuous self-improvement, communicating openly, and proactively seeking feedback.

All Three Principles Are Interrelated

In practice, these three principles are interrelated. When a leader is authentic, they are also humble. Because they are humble, they are confident in standing back. They are centered, grounded, and comfortable with their values, who they are, and how they present themselves. This is the place from which they will always make their best decisions and be of the most service to others.

Robert Greenleaf, the universally recognized father of servant leadership, wrote forty years ago that servant leadership begins “…with the natural feeling that one wants to serve. A servant leader focuses primarily on the growth and well-being of the people and communities to which they belong.”

If this serving spirit is in your heart, I encourage you to consider how standing back, authenticity, and humility can help you and your organization along the journey.

Looking for more information on how servant leadership principles are being applied in today’s organizations? Check out servant leadership resources on The Ken Blanchard Companies website.

About the Author

Maria Pressentin is the Head of Learning & Organizational Development for Asia Pacific at The Ken Blanchard Companies. Maria is an award-winning coach and leadership development professional, as recognized by the HRD World Congress and has served for four years as the vice president of the International Coach Federation, Singapore. Maria holds Master’s degrees in Strategic Management and Organizational Research, and is currently pursuing her PhD in Entrepreneurship and Innovation.

Dear Readers,

This week I am using this space to address my own questions—questions that have been on many people’s minds:

How can I help? What can I do? What actions might count?

We can no longer look away. The time has come to challenge ourselves to be better humans. It is hard to know what to do. We are intimidated into shutting up—the risk of saying the wrong thing and being mocked and humiliated on social media is real. I lost sleep over the possible hazards of writing this column. I am sure I will offend someone who disagrees with me. And probably someone who agrees with what I say, but has a quibble with how I say it. It is a lose-lose. I would much prefer to be answering a work-related question.

But if not now, when?

I went to our Diversity and Inclusion expert, La’Wana Harris, and asked her for guidance. This is what she sent me. I think it is a great starting place.

How to Talk to Black People Right Now

Don’t—unless you’re willing to do your own self-work, educate yourself, and follow through with meaningful action.

The often well-meaning, but superficial, version of allyship for traumatized black people as they grieve another senseless death of an unarmed black man is counterproductive. As a society, we have demonstrated a tragically inept capacity for addressing social issues. It’s not from a lack of capable individuals and organizations. Social heroes have tried for centuries to lead us, hand in hand, out of the abyss of historical and present-day crimes with extreme grace, temperance, and sacrifice. The books have been written, the workshops facilitated, and the artwork displayed. We have dedicated physical space, digital space, mental space, and spiritual space to the thankless work of guiding the community out of the clutches of systemic oppression and its toxic impacts. But now is not the time to open up a dialogue unless you are fully vested in moving beyond lip service. There’s a lot of energy around what needs to be said and not enough focus on what needs to be done.

People opposed to injustice and bigotry are tired. Black people are the focus, but we don’t own this issue. We aren’t the only people suffering from our dehumanization. Make the decision to make this personal. Take this problem on. Do your research, discuss it first with the non-black people around you, and come ready to mobilize. Be intentional about being on the right side of history during this time of unrest.

If you feel lost and don’t understand the deep historical and systemic aspects of what’s happening right now, you should commit to studying long enough to catch up. The enlightenment of white people is an inside-out job. Check out some of these resources and know that this is not the time to make a request of black people to take responsibility for something that you can do for yourself.

Are you willing to correct inappropriate statements among your friends? Are you willing to be uncomfortable and push through the awkward moments for the sake of meaningful progress? Are you ready to face the harsh realities of power, privilege, and systemic racism in America? If so, let’s talk.

Madeleine again. So: First, get educated. If you have had your head down, paying attention to other things, look up and look around. Read. Print out the resources, order the books, and read them. Watch the documentaries with your family. Identify the sticking points in your own thinking—and possibly speech—that reveal your own unconscious bias. Everyone is biased. It is almost impossible not to be. Ms. Harris says:

You shouldn’t feel guilty about having biases. Everyone has bias as part of our cognitive response system to help protect us from danger. We need cognitive shortcuts to know when to heed our fight/flight instincts. Bias becomes problematic when it’s based on erroneous thinking. Awareness is a good first step.

The next step is to pay attention to what you may have thought, done, or said that triggered the behavior that betrays your bias. That way, you can build on your awareness to understand what triggers your bias reaction. Then, ask yourself ‘How does this affect how I show up? How does it keep me from being my best self?’ Finally, you can build some practices, habits, or rituals to support your best intentions.

Identify what you think is important to you and use those principles to make decisions about what you are willing to commit to.

Examine Ms. Harris’s questions: Are you willing to correct inappropriate statements among your friends? Are you willing to be uncomfortable and push through the awkward moments for the sake of meaningful progress?

I know this about myself: I am a big conflict avoider. It is rarely an issue with friends but in business and family gatherings, it can get sticky. I get worried about being perceived as too serious or too political. Who am I, after all, to censure others? But now more than ever before, it is clear that I am no longer allowed to be gutless. I have to say something in the moment. It is appropriate to censure the unacceptable. And I know to be ready to do that, I need to have language and I need to practice saying things out loud so I am ready.

I did a little digging on potentially what to say, and the long and short of it is that we have to call it out when we hear it. No blame—no judgment even—just nope. Not acceptable. “That’s racist, and we don’t allow that kind of talk in our home” or “I think what you’re saying is biased and mean—please don’t use that kind of language around me.” Maybe we won’t be brave enough or ready the first time we need it, but if we stay focused, we will get there.

Discomfort is unpleasant. I have arranged my life very specifically to be comfortable, and I like it a lot. But I know I need to get a lot more uncomfortable. And look what I found for inspiration. Luvvie Ajayi defines herself as a troublemaker, and, well, wow. She challenges us to say what needs to be said when it needs to be said. Her rules for speaking up in ways that you won’t regret are:

• Do you mean it?
• Can you defend it?
• Can you say it with love?

I can live with these rules. Bet you can, too.

Courage is required. Most difficult situations require us to do hard things. Angeles Arrien, the author of The Four Fold Way; Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary says this about courage: “Where we are not strong hearted is where we lack the courage to be authentic or to say what is true for us. Strong heartedness is where have the courage to be all of who we are in our life. The word courage is derived from the French word for heart, coeur, and etymologically it means ‘the ability to stand by one’s heart or to stand by one’s core.’ Whenever we exhibit courage, we demonstrate the healing power of paying attention to what has heart and meaning for us.”

I expect my reading and watching will reveal what meaningful action makes sense for me. I am ready to commit at least as much time to educating myself, making a plan, and following through on that plan as I do to every other thing that is important to me.

So can you. Stand by your heart.

If not now, when?

Love, Madeleine

I had an upsetting experience yesterday. Amid our current environment of chaos, confusion, and uncertainty, I find that people are generally behaving pretty well. I’ve noticed this at the grocery store, which I now visit only about once every ten days. Social distancing is in effect, with dots or X’s every six feet marking where customers should stand—and yet, there is still a great deal of humanity to be found. One shopper helps another reach something on a high shelf; a woman encourages the person behind her with fewer items to go ahead of her in the line; friendly clerks smile behind masks and plexiglass in spite of working long hours.

So what was the epic failure that was so upsetting? A clerk who stuck to the rules—and I mean stuck!

A shopper with 19 items inadvertently stepped into the “15 items or fewer” line. Upon discovering this, the clerk refused to ring up the last four items and told the customer she would have to put everything back in her cart and go to a different line. The woman apologized for her mistake and politely asked the clerk to make an exception (meanwhile, the lines were getting longer). He again flatly refused—rules, after all, are rules—and repeated that she could not be rung up in his lane and would have to move. No other solution was possible; he was entrenched in upholding the 15-item rule.

The woman burst into tears. The stone-faced clerk still wouldn’t budge. Finally, the frazzled customer turned to the lines of captive shoppers witnessing the scene and cried, “Does anyone think this is right?”

A solution suddenly appeared in the form of a fellow customer who took the four offending items, paid for them in her lane, and handed them back. The total? A whopping $4.32. The woman walked out crying, leaving the customers around her dumbfounded that the clerk couldn’t or wouldn’t find a reasonable solution. In fact, he seemed a bit grumpy that another customer had stepped in!

Now you may be thinking: “Rules are rules, and they are in place for the common good.” Well, yes, that’s true. But think about the purpose of the rule—in this case, customer convenience and speed. Did it make sense to upset a customer? To hold up the people in line behind her? To harm the reputation of the store, lose that customer for life, and generally anger everyone else within 30 feet of the woman? Of course not.

Would it have been a better decision to keep the line moving, thus letting people exit the store and speeding up the experience for the 20 people waiting outside to get in? Of course. Wouldn’t it also have been better for the clerk to say “I see, you made a simple mistake and I’ll ring you up—but in the future, please pay attention to the 15 item rule,” thereby meeting the underlying purpose of the rule? Yes, that would have been better.

When someone bursts into tears, empathy is certainly better than hidebound insistence on following an arbitrary rule meant to keep things speedy. That transaction took 14 minutes. The customer could have been happily out in seven, if a bit chagrined at her miscount. Now the store has lost at least two customers—I doubt she will be back, and I’m done. For good.

What’s the culture like in your organization? If customer-focused decision making on an issue this simple is absent like it was in this woman’s experience, then innovation, adaptation, creativity, and customer service are in real jeopardy. Don’t let this happen in your organization. Rules, yes—but use a little common sense and compassion, please. Especially during these trying times.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the GM for a small brewery that has been shut down during the COVID-19 crisis as non-essential. However, the owner believes it is still worthwhile to stay open to serve take-out customers, which is allowed according to the shutdown rules. Because I am the GM, I have been designated as the lone onsite worker. I am happy to still have some work instead of going to zero revenue, but I am worried that I might contract the virus or bring it home to my roommates.

I thought staying open for takeout was a good idea until a few days ago, when the lockdown took effect in our area. The takeout business has now trickled to almost nil. I have tried to reason with my boss, but he insists that I need to show up for work and serve the few customers that are still coming in.

Before, I felt the risk I was taking was worth it to keep the business afloat. But now with sales slowed to a standstill, it just seems stupid to me.

Because I have asthma, my anxiety is ratcheting up as each day goes by. Can I be fired if I don’t want to work during this time? I would much rather stay safe at home and collect unemployment.

Agitated

Dear Agitated,

I can empathize with your anxiety. I recently watched a video on how to safely grocery shop and get your groceries home and stored properly. I have been doing it all wrong! We all need to seriously up our game to stay safe right now, and even then there are no guarantees.

I really can’t give you legal advice, as I am sure you are aware. All states have different regulations around the meaning of “lockdown” and “essential business.” You can probably get the detail you need on your state’s protections for employees online. To stay on top of California’s updates, I have been using the New York Times website that tracks all states. I poked around to find a real answer to your question and didn’t find much—probably because the situation you are in, although common right now, is still a fresh one. Here is one article that directly addresses the issue of how “essential” is defined—loosely—and what employees can do if they are forced to work under what they feel are unsafe conditions.

The most important thing right now is your assurance that it is safe for you to continue working. I assume the owners are providing you with everything you need to protect yourself—if not, I say you should leave right now.

Let’s say you do have all the protections you need. After educating yourself on all the precautions necessary, do you still believe you are taking a risk? My sense is that your answer is probably yes. If that is the case, you need to go back to your bosses and move past trying to talk reason to saying you are not signed up for this job. If the owners are so hell-bent on staying open, it is up to them to serve the odd customer who needs a growler filled. If that gets you fired, well, fine—then you can get unemployment. When this dark time is behind us, you can go get a new job in a company that makes the safety of their employees a priority.

If on the other hand you carefully review your situation and think, “Okay, this is safe enough, I can do this,” then why not? In another week or two, you will probably appreciate being able to get out of your house.

We have to balance our fear with common sense. I know it is hard to do. I keep convincing myself I am sick because I am short of breath, only to realize that it is because I am holding my breath. That isn’t helpful.

So move slowly, take all precautions, breathe, and stay fully present to each moment. You will know the right thing to do.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

After surveying more than one million employees from a wide range of organizations, Adrian Gostick and Chester Elton have found that leading with gratitude is the easiest, fastest, least expensive way for managers to boost both performance and engagement in employees.

Unfortunately, it is also one of the most misunderstood and misapplied skills in business today.

During their research, Gostick and Elton heard over and over that people feel not only underappreciated at work, but sometimes even under attack. The authors call this the “gratitude gap.” In their latest book, Leading with Gratitude, they dispel common myths about leaders expressing gratitude and offer eight simple ways to show employees they are valued.

The myths Gostick and Elton identify may sound familiar:

• Fear is the best motivator.
• People want too much praise these days.
• There just isn’t enough time!
• It’s all about money.

Leading with Gratitude is filled with compelling stories featuring respected leaders such as Alan Mullaly of Ford Motor Company and retired American Express chairman Ken Chenault. The stories illustrate that these myths are simply excuses that can keep managers from building an honorable work environment by expressing their appreciation for a job well done.

The authors explain that gratitude isn’t about showering employees with thank-yous and high fives. They offer eight practical examples that demonstrate how leaders can first gain clarity about how people contribute and then show gratitude in specific ways that will be meaningful to individuals.

Practicing the act of gratitude can be as simple as letting people know their suggestions are valued by soliciting their ideas and acting on them. Another way is by assuming positive intent, especially when errors happen. Instead of getting upset or blaming someone for making a mistake, assume the person was doing their best and then use the situation to learn what you could be doing differently as a leader.

One of the most useful tips is to walk in your employees’ shoes. Getting a better understanding of what it takes for people to do their jobs will uncover ways you can collaborate to solve problems, improve processes, and enhance the customer experience as you build relationships by showing empathy. The best way to start is to look for small wins that will lead to bigger wins.

Perhaps my favorite suggestion in the book is to practice gratitude at home. Gostick and Elton remind readers not to get caught in the trap of putting our best face on at work and leaving it there when we go home. Showing appreciation and empathy for loved ones should be a common practice—and I think a gentle reminder is a good thing.

So remember to express gratitude often, tailor it to the individual, and ensure it reinforces corporate values. And don’t forget to praise your peers as well. Leading with gratitude creates engaged, high performing employees, a stronger organization, and better results.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Adrian Gostick, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. Order your copy of Leading with Gratitude on Amazon.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an executive vice president at a large, fast-moving communications company. I started here as an intern. I love this company, my job, and my team—but most of all, I love to work.

I have been married 15 years and have four kids, ages 4-12. My husband has a great job with a lot of flexibility and works from home often, so he deals with the sick kids, the parent/teacher conferences—all of the things normally considered Mom stuff.

My problem is the constant judgment that comes from other women—old friends who stopped working when they had kids, neighbors who stay home with their kids, and even women in my company who have chosen to not go for senior leadership because they want to spend more time at home. I am sick to death of guilt-inducing questions such as “don’t you worry that your kids will resent you?” and “aren’t you worried that you’re missing their childhood?”

How do I respond with grace and aplomb?

Feeling Judged

Dear Judged,

Oh, my dear, I pray daily for grace and aplomb. I empathize with your position—in fact, I can clearly recall how the chorus I lovingly called the Mommy Police constantly criticized my deep passion for work when I became a parent.

The crazy news is that there will be people who judge you no matter what decision you make about working after baby arrives. If you had decided to stay at home full time, a different set of Mommy Police would judge you for slacking. Crazier still is that to some folks it’s okay for you to be a mom who works if you have to, but it isn’t okay for you to love your work. You have to hate it.

Rest assured, there is probably no mother in the western hemisphere (the whole world?) who doesn’t feel judged. The bottom line is that you have to make your own rules for yourself. You have to decide for yourself what it means to be a good parent and a good employee. With that choice comes a chorus of judgment from every possible angle. All I can really offer you is that if you are comfortable with your choices, you can just tune it all out.

The guilt is also a choice. To deal with it, you must be crystal clear about what is most important to you and what your standards are for being a good parent. Then design your life to comply with your own standards.

When my first kid was born, I read every possible parenting book. It was a nightmare. I got 27 different opinions about how to be a good parent. When I realized that I wasn’t a person who could stay home with a baby all day and stay sane, things really got complicated. I ended up having to work with a therapist to figure out my own point of view on how to be a good parent. Thereafter, I worked with a coach at every stage to redefine it for myself. How to be a good parent is such a deep mystery and so desperately personal that it’s no wonder we all judge each other mercilessly—it’s simply a projection of all of our worst fears.

Thomas Leonard, one of my dearest and wisest mentors, suggested discussing the situation with your whole family once they are old enough. Let them weigh in on a vision for how much Mom (and Dad, or other parent) works, and what Mom (and Dad or other parent) stuff is non-negotiable at home. Once you have worked it all out, you can have regular family council meetings to revisit how things are working for everyone. That way, everyone in the family at least has a voice.

So when someone questions your choices, the answer is something like this: “I think about my choices and evaluate them extensively on a regular basis. I recalibrate as needed. I discuss them with the entire family. And I love it all—my family, my work, and my life. How about you?” (I only wish I had had those words when I needed them!)

So go be a great mom, be great at work, and tune out the chorus.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have an amazing team except for one person. I’ve provided ample opportunities for this person to step up and she just isn’t picking up on them. I can’t tell what is going on. She seems bright enough. She can work hard—I’ve seen it—so I don’t think it is laziness.

Also, I’m about to hire a few more people and am wondering how to avoid hiring someone like her.

Exasperated

Dear Exasperated,

I have always said that a manager must not be more interested in an employee’s development than the employee is. And that may be the case here—but let’s check it out first.

The first order of business is to have a conversation with your person in which you explain your point of view. This is going to require you to be direct but kind. It is entirely possible that she hasn’t picked up on opportunities because she was waiting for explicit direction from you. Not everyone picks up on cues, especially if they are implied versus direct.

Be more directive and provide more touchpoints regarding her professional growth. The key here is for you to properly communicate and partner with your employee so that you understand her hopes and dreams and can allow her to drive her own development. Give this a serious try for at least a couple of months. You might feel as if you are micromanaging, but in some cases that’s what people need.

What if, after you have tried this approach, your employee still doesn’t show any ambition? One option may be to change her title to technical specialist or something similar and just stop worrying about her career path. Lots of organizations are filled with people who are perfectly happy to stay right in their lane without much growth or change—but in some organizations, the trajectory is “up or out.” If you know you’ve really given it a shot, and it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards, then you can decide what to do about it.

Now about your prospective hires. It sounds like you are looking for some key traits in your candidates. Research supports the idea that job seekers with the following four attributes are predicted to have significantly higher levels of success in any new job.

1. Work attitude
2. A sense of accountability
3. Prior related job success
4. Culture fit

Work attitude can be described as a positive disposition or attitude toward work that persists across employment experiences. Candidates who demonstrate high degrees of work attitude:

• will go out of their way to describe negative experiences in the positive,
• find it hard to describe negative situations without sharing how the situation made them stronger, and
• have a deep need to work hard and produce results that make them proud.

A sense of accountability means the extent to which a person believes they have control over their own outcomes—also called locus of control. Candidates who demonstrate a high sense of accountability:

• are 40% more likely to succeed in any role,
• believe in themselves, and
• will stand up under pressure and refuse to play the victim.

Prior related job success—the degree to which the candidate has met formal goals in past jobs that are similar to the job at hand. This is, of course, the most obvious factor and the one hiring managers pay the most attention to. It is important, but not the only important thing.

• Candidates who have achieved success in prior jobs, athletics, academics, or other meaningful pursuits are significantly more likely to succeed.
• Both success and failure become habits throughout a career.

Culture fit is the degree to which the candidate shares similar values with the organization and demonstrates an authentic interest in the job at hand. In this case, you clearly are creating the culture in your group and you need to hire people who will fit your standards for ambition and desire to develop.

• Effective hiring processes attract candidates who have similar values and repel candidates who do not.
• It is imperative for interviews and testing in the hiring process to identify honest, hardworking, and positive candidates.

You are going to want to do behavioral interviewing to find out an applicant’s history and assess for these four traits. For an in-depth guide on behavioral interviewing, look here.

Ideally, you have HR professionals who can help you with this. If not, you will be on your own to do your own crash course in hiring! In my experience, hiring is 90% of the battle when it comes to getting the right people in the right jobs. Everything else is tweaking the details.

Good luck on both challenges!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a business for a global company. I am very bright and hardworking, have risen fast, and continue to rise. I will probably end up being a senior leader for the company someday—if not here, then in another area.

My problem: I am a jerk. I have heard others describe me as such when they thought I wasn’t around. This isn’t news to me; I know I have a real problem connecting with others. People usually fail to live up to my expectations. In fact, my direct reports disappoint me regularly—so do my peers—and I make no bones about how I feel. I also have a hard time staying present in meetings because I am so busy matching what I think should be happening with what is actually happening.

I have read up on authenticity—but seriously, if I were to be truly authentic, I would be run out of town. Trying not to be nasty takes virtually all of my self-control.

How can I stop being so judgmental? How can I lighten up and be more present? How can I be nicer?

Rhymes with Witch

____________________________________________________________

Dear Rhymes with Witch,

Wow. It sounds like it’s hard to be you right now. But here’s the good news: you are aware that you have a problem, which is half the battle. You possess valuable self-awareness and apparently have also developed some handy self-control. These are excellent prerequisites for change.

The next step is to get some clarity on why it is so important for you to be less judgmental, more present, and more kind. I use kind instead of nice because I believe there is a distinction. Here is an excerpt from Owen Fitzpatrick’s blog:

Being nice is when you are polite to people and treat people well. Being kind is when you care about people and show you care. Sometimes you can be kind to someone even though you aren’t nice to them—and you can certainly be nice to someone but also be unkind.

Here’s why the distinction between kind and nice is significant: Niceness is all fine and well, but it is superficial. It only requires a change in your behavior. You can Google “How to be nicer” and about a million good ideas will pop up for you. (I know this because I just did it.)

Kindness, though, has more depth, will help you go the distance, and will require a change in your character. If you are really signed up for the job of changing your character, you must first establish what makes it such a critical goal. Because it is hard work, my friend—worth it, but hard.

So what is the point for you? You are a superstar who could probably get away with being awful for the rest of your career. There is quite a bit of research that proves cleaning up your act would help ensure your rise to the top; but there are also plenty of rotten meanies at the top, everywhere.

In your case, your motivation may lie in how exhausted you get trying to control yourself and how hard it is to stay present as you indulge in your “judgy” ways. Or is it possible that it might actually bother you that people call you names when you aren’t around? If that happened to me, I would be crying in the ladies’ room. How did you feel when it happened to you? Either way, in order to change, you will need to hook into your motivation.

Once you have done that, you will really need to get help. You are striving for something hard and you will need a lot of support. Don’t ignore this part. You have come this far on your innate gifts, which has been relatively easy for you—if you had struggled mightily to overcome your shortcomings in the past, you probably wouldn’t be so judgmental. So do not try to go on this journey alone.

• Work with a therapist to get to the bottom of what may have shaped your meanie habits. Possibly you were judged harshly in your family of origin? There could be some value in going back to explore what got you here.
• Hire a coach to help you sift through all of the possible ways you could be more present and more kind, and to support you in finding a few methods that work for you.
• Discuss the whole thing with a friend who has your trust and respect.
• Look around for someone at work who might mentor you on this journey—someone who matches you in IQ, work ethic, and high standards, but who is warm and well liked.

It wouldn’t be overkill if you tried all of the above.

Once you get your support system set up, you might consider learning how to meditate or practice mindfulness to quiet your busy monkey brain. Think about small ways to manage yourself more effectively by building some new habits. But now I’m jumping the gun.

Begin by discovering what is so important about your becoming a better person. That will help you formulate the first step of how you are going to do it. This journey will humble you and it will be painful. You will get the stuffing beaten out of you as you walk this road, which will help you be more compassionate and empathetic toward others—and that’s the actual point, is it not?

I’m impressed you have come this far, RWW. Now comes the really hard part. Apply that formidable intellect and that implacable will, get a lot of help, and you might just make it.

You will need good luck, too, but I find that fortune favors the brave and those who genuinely want to be better.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a small company in a small city. I really like my job, but the atmosphere in my office is so toxic I am not sure I can live with it.

This is my first real job. My immediate boss took me under his wing, taught me the business, and he has my back. He is not without his flaws, but I have made my peace with them and I appreciate everything he has done for me. His boss is the owner of the company—a great guy who hired me and gave me a chance.

The problem is that each man trash talks the other one when the other one leaves the office. Our space isn’t very big—just an office manager and eight or ten guys at any given time—so everybody hears it. Then, when the absent one comes in, it is all “Hey, how are you?”—buddy buddy.

It is weird and off putting. Is this normal office behavior? Should I try talking to my boss? If so, what should I say?

Hate the Trash Talk

Dear Hate the Trash Talk,

No. It isn’t normal. It’s messed up.

I am sorry you have to deal with what sounds like a negative and hostile work environment. You sound like a nice kid who expects adults to behave themselves. I guess it is a rude awakening to know that even fundamentally decent people can get into bad habits. Talking trash behind another’s back is essentially gossip and it can be hard to resist the little hit of pleasure it can provide. I personally have to resist gossip with every fiber of my being, but still succumb at times and then feel bad about it.

I wish I had pithy words for you, but frankly I think both your boss and his boss are unprofessional and immature and would not respond well to your feedback. In the rough-and-tumble atmosphere of your office, you could always drop a hint like “Hey, I am going to get some lunch—don’t talk trash about me while I am gone.”

On the other hand, you really don’t want to be stooping to the middle-school behavior of your supposed betters.

One option is to take your newfound valuable experience and go search out a better work environment. Of course, they will both say terrible things about you when you are gone, but who cares?

Another option is to just roll with it. It seems to fit with the good-old-boy-type culture of the office and probably doesn’t mean anything. You can just observe, let it roll off your back, and remember it when you think about the culture you want to have in in your next job and the culture you want to create when you are the boss.

Keep in mind that bad boss behavior is often as instructive as good boss behavior. You can take the opportunity to notice the urge to gossip in yourself and practice rising above it. Don’t join in. Don’t say anything at all unless it is to defend the person who is not there. Be the model for the behavior you would like to see in your bosses.

Honestly. It makes you wonder where the grownups are, doesn’t it?

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Some of the prison cell doors are open so you can walk inside and get a sense for what it must have felt like to be confined in such a small space. The cells are five feet wide, seven feet tall, and nine feet long. I could reach my arms out to the side and place my palms on the walls of the cell. The concrete walls hold the frigid chill of the San Francisco Bay and the steel doors are hard and unforgiving. It’s difficult to imagine what it must have felt like to be confined in such a small space for hours on end, day after day, year after year.

Prison cells aren’t just concrete rooms with steel doors; they can be rooms of our own making. (click to tweet) All of us, in various areas of our lives, have constructed cells that imprison us and constrain our ability to experience true freedom and joy.

In the realm of leadership, some of us are career criminals doing hard time and the only life we know is within the four walls of our prison cell. These leaders are guilty of crimes like wielding power as a weapon, hoarding information, sucking up to the hierarchy, micromanaging, breaking trust, playing politics, and over-reliance on command and control styles of leadership. Most of us leaders aren’t hardened criminals serving a life sentence, but we dabble in our share of petty theft that puts us behind bars from time to time.

There are ways you can escape from the prison of ineffective leadership practices, but it takes planning, patience, and perseverance. You didn’t build those walls overnight and it’s going to take time to tunnel your way out. Here are four steps to break out of your leadership prison cell:

Discover Your Leadership Purpose

Why do you lead? Answer that question and you’ve discovered your leadership purpose. Discovering your leadership purpose is an introspective process that takes time and effort, but the result is an internal clarity and drive that inspires and fuels your work as a leader.

The process for discovering your leadership purpose begins with reflecting on your own leadership role models. How did those people influence you? What about the way they led others inspired you? What did you learn from them and how do you display that in your own leadership style? Second, how does your leadership connect with your larger life purpose? Do you see your role as a leader integrated with your overall life purpose? Are you clear on your greatest strengths and how you can use them to positively impact the world around you? Third, what is the legacy you want to leave? How do you want to be remembered for the way you influenced those you lead?

As you wrestle with these tough questions, you’ll eventually gain insight into your leadership purpose. Writing a simple purpose statement will help crystallize your thoughts and provide a reminder of why you do what you do as a leader. Do an internet search for “writing a personal mission statement” and you’ll find dozens of excellent resources and templates. As an example, my purpose statement is To use my gifts and abilities to be a servant leader and a model of God’s grace and truth. 

Define Your Leadership Values

Leadership is an influence process. As a leader you are trying to influence others to believe in certain things and act in specific ways. How can you do that if you aren’t clear on your own values? What drives your own behaviors? You have to be clear on that before you can expect to influence others…at least in a positive way.

In the absence of clearly defined values, I believe people tend to default to the more base, self-centered values we all possess: self-preservation, survival, ego, power, position. As an example, my core values are trust, authenticity, and respect. I look to those values to guide my interactions with others. Just as river banks channel and direct the flow of rushing water, so values direct our behaviors. What is a river without banks? A large puddle. Our leadership effectiveness is diffused without values to guide its efforts.

Declare Your Leadership Brand

Your brand image is not only how people perceive you (your reputation), but also what differentiates you from everyone else in your company. When your colleagues and team members think of you, what is it that comes to their minds?

Tom Peters, the guru of personal branding, says, “If you are going to be a brand, you’ve got to become relentlessly focused on what you do that adds value, what you’re proud of, and most important, what you can shamelessly take credit for.” Now, I’m not into shamelessly bragging about personal accomplishments, but I do think it’s important, and possible, to tactfully and appropriately share your successes.

Forget your job title. What is it about your performance as a leader that makes you memorable, distinct, or unique? What’s the “buzz” on you? Forget about your job description too. What accomplishments are you most proud of? How have you gone above, beyond, or outside the scope of your job description to add value to your organization? Those are the elements that make up your brand.

Deliver on Your Leadership Promise

If you’ve ever removed the cardboard sleeve on a Starbucks coffee cup, you may have noticed this statement printed on the side of the cup:

Our Barista Promise

Love your beverage or let us know. We’ll always make it right.

My experience with Starbucks is they live that promise. Whenever I’ve not been satisfied with my drink, they’ve always made it right.

Your leadership promise is the combination of your purpose, values, and brand. It’s who your people expect you to be as a leader and it’s how they expect you to behave. Whether you’ve articulated your leadership purpose, values, and brand to your people or not (which I strongly advocate you do), they have ascribed a leadership promise to you based on your past behavior. You are setting yourself up to break trust with your followers if their perception of your leadership promise doesn’t align with your own.

Escape from Alcatraz

It was simple for me to leave the island when my time was done on Alcatraz; I boarded the ferry and rode across the bay to San Francisco. It wasn’t nearly as easy for the prisoners who once called Alcatraz home. Likewise, it won’t be easy for you to escape your self-constructed prison cell of dysfunctional leadership practices, but it is doable with intentional focus and effort. Discovering your leadership purpose will direct your energies, clarifying your values will guide your activities, declaring your brand will let others know what you stand for, and delivering on your leadership promise will hold you accountable to being the leader you aspire to be and the leader your people need and deserve.

Randy Conley is the Vice President of Client Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. His LeaderChat posts appear the fourth or last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

People with high emotional intelligence are able to recognize emotions that surface within themselves and others. Emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient or EQ, refers to a person’s ability to identify and understand their own emotions and the emotions of other people.

To your knowledge, have you ever interacted with a person with low EQ? If you have, it’s safe to say the interaction may not have been very pleasant or productive.

Coaching sessions often focus, directly or indirectly, on emotional intelligence. A coach helps a leader surface and recognize the emotions that result in the behaviors that are driving them. A leader who can measure the effectiveness of their behaviors and manage those emotions can create appropriate and productive leadership behaviors for themselves.

The skills involved in most emotional intelligence models include the following:

• Self-Awareness: This is where it begins! Being self-aware. Using your personal power.
• Self-Management: Being in control of your behaviors based on your emotions. Self-regulation.
• Social or Other Awareness: Being aware of others’ emotions. Showing empathy and being service oriented.
• Relationship Management: Leveraging self and others’ emotions to build collaboration, communication, and trust.

Daniel Goleman, author of many books on EQ including Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, highlights a study that determined people with high EQ have better mental health, job performance, and lives. Goleman states: “In a study of skills that distinguish star performers in every field, from entry-level jobs to executive positions, the single most important factor was not IQ, advanced degrees, or technical experience—it was EQ. Of the competencies required for excellence in performance in the job studies, 67 percent were emotional competencies.”

EQ is about adapting your behaviors and leadership styles to create productive interactions. This is at the core of effective leadership. Everyone experiences good days, bad days, positive moods, “just don’t feel like it” moods, tiredness, low motivation, etc. We are human and mood swings come naturally. And we have the ability to manage how we act on our emotions and how we deal with the emotions of others.

With some coaching and a little practice, anyone can increase their level of emotional intelligence and positively impact their relationships at home and in the workplace.

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for the tax collector’s office at my local county tax agency. The bulk of my efforts go to facilitating change into that environment. I am a career-driven person and I am finding it very difficult to influence others.

My job is under the umbrella of a state agency and I recently have been voted to be on a leadership board for my county. This organization has been plagued with old traditions and scandals of misuse of power. I’m optimistic and believe that I can change the environment—but at times it exhausts me.

When the HR department selected me for a grievance board committee recently, my boss asked me “Why don’t you let someone else win for a change?” I don’t know how to interpret that. What should I do differently?

Trying to Make Change

Dear Trying to Make Change,

The good news here is that it sounds like you are having quite a bit of success—but it also sounds like you are stepping on some toes to achieve it. Although a little toe stepping is probably inevitable, there might be some ways to soften your approach and make more friends than enemies.

Forgive me for generalizing, but in my experience people who have worked in local government a long time don’t love change. Government work tends to attract folks who seek predictability and stability. Even if they start out with the best of intentions—and of course, many do—if a system is in place that protects their job and benefits them in specific ways, they are loath to give that up.

You have stepped into the role of change agent, which will immediately cause others to suspect you if not outright hate you. You must realize that the role of change agent requires some advanced skills. If your boss is experiencing you as wanting to win at all costs, causing others to lose, somehow it appears that you are engineering things as win/lose.

To ease your path, you are going to have to develop more diplomacy. You’ll need to have conversations that will help people see the changes as a win/win. It is relentless, hard, and, yes, exhausting work. You sound like a logical person, so it is probably difficult for you to see why someone wouldn’t automatically understand why a change might be needed. Because it is so obvious to you, there is a good chance you may not be sharing all of the detail that might help others see things the way you do.

It wouldn’t hurt for you to be aware of Blanchard’s change model. At its core, it breaks down the kinds of concerns people have when change is needed and imminent, and it helps leaders understand the approach they need to use with each individual affected by change. In this recent blog post are ideas for some steps you might consider.

You also might be interested in Angeles Arrien’s work on change agents. In her book The Four-Fold Way; Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary, Arrien researched leaders and change agents in indigenous cultures. She found that, despite radical differences in culture and customs, they all did four things in common.

1. Show up and choose to be present
2. Pay attention to what has heart and meaning
3. Tell the truth without blame or judgment
4. Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome

This alone is worth the price of the book. However, Arrien also provides some excellent ideas on how to develop oneself if one identifies with any of the roles in the title. I would say you probably at the very least are a warrior and a visionary. These are extremely difficult roles to play in the world, and you will need to create a long-term personal development program to sustain your efforts.

In the meantime, work on developing and deepening your relationships, gathering input from stakeholders, listening, overcommunicating, and being kind. I am sure you are right about the old traditions and the bad behavior, but no one likes to feel judged. The past is the past. You represent the new. Let the new be characterized by drawing on what is best in people and what people are doing right.

And, I am sorry to say it, you’ll need to develop a thick skin because no matter how hard you try, some people are still going to hate you. It just goes with the job.

Fight on, change warrior!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

A total of twelve characteristics were identified, five of which were agreed upon by all of the scholars polled. These five most prominent servant leadership characteristics were:

1. Valuing People. Servant leaders value people for who they are, not just for what they give to the organization. Servant leaders are committed first and foremost to people—particularly, their followers.
2. Humility. Servant leaders do not promote themselves; they put other people first. They are actually humble, not humble as an act. Servant leaders know leadership is not all about them—things are accomplished through others.
3. Listening. Servant leaders listen receptively and nonjudgmentally. They are willing to listen because they truly want to learn from other people—and to understand the people they serve, they must listen deeply. Servant leaders seek first to understand, and then to be understood. This discernment enables the servant leader to know when their service is needed.
4. Trust. Servant leaders give trust to others. They willingly take this risk for the people they serve. Servant leaders are trusted because they are authentic and dependable.
5. Caring. Servant leaders have people and purpose in their heart. They display a kindness and concern for others. As the term servant leadership implies, servant leaders are here to serve, not to be served. Servant leaders truly care for the people they serve.

To a large degree, these findings mimic the results of polling that The Ken Blanchard Companies conducted with 130 leadership, learning, and talent development professionals who attended a series of servant leadership executive briefings in cities across North America in 2018. Topping the list was empathy, closely followed by selflessness and humility. Also mentioned multiple times were being authentic, caring, collaborative, compassionate, honest, open-minded, patient, and self-aware.

Both lists can serve as good starting points for HR and L&D executives looking to bring an others-focused culture into their organizations. What’s been your experience?  Feel free to enter additional characteristics of a servant leader in the comments section below.

Interested in learning more about bringing servant leadership principles into your organization? Join us for a free webinar on November 15!

Dr. Vicki Halsey, vice president of applied learning for The Ken Blanchard Companies and author of Brilliance By Design, will conduct a presentation for leadership, learning, and talent development professionals on 3 Keys to Building a Servant Leadership Curriculum.

In this enlightening webinar, Dr. Halsey will connect servant leadership characteristics to competencies and share best practices on how to design a comprehensive curriculum for your organization. You can learn more here. The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been with the same organization for eight years. My company offers anyone who has been here for seven years a reduced pay, three-month sabbatical. My boss keeps pestering me to schedule it and take one. (I totally get that this is a good problem for me to have.)

I don’t have a partner or kids. I know I should take advantage of this opportunity, but I have no idea what to do! I have been thinking about it for years and have always thought something would come to me, but it hasn’t. I am interested in a few things, but none quite enough to take a pay cut and leave the flow of my job.

I am at the point now where I think maybe I’m just not that interesting a person if all I really care about is my job. I am also worried that I will take my sabbatical, it won’t be the best thing ever, and I will have wasted my time and money. Any ideas would be appreciated because I feel stumped and—

Pressured

Dear Pressured,

I think the pressure to do something brilliant with your sabbatical makes it hard to be creative. My first thought was how jealous I am—but then I started wondering what the heck I would do if I had three months of footloose and fancy free. It is, in fact, kind of hard unless you’ve always wanted to write a book or travel all over the world, or unless you have an extensive bucket list.

I don’t know that you need my ideas, but I do have a couple of thoughts for you. Maybe, if we’re lucky, my readers will have some more suggestions in the comment section.

• What do you do in your free time? There might be some clues there. If you cook, maybe cooking school? If you do yoga, a yoga retreat?
• Do you volunteer? Maybe there are service opportunities in that area.
• You could go talk to your HR partner and see what other people have done. Your company may have service opportunities for sabbaticals in place. One of the organizations we work with has something called a Social Sabbatical where employees get to go do service work for a month. The company that organizes it is called Pyxera Global.
• Use my BFF Google to come up with some ideas. Look at this site I found: 100 Things to do with Your Sabbatical. I want to do about 92 of them.
• Talk to your friends. If you have always talked about wanting to do something specific, they will know.
• Is there something specific you could learn that would make you even better at your job? That might be an avenue.

The most important thing is to do a bunch of research. Then put a stake in the ground and take the leap. Just changing up your routine and learning something new will be good for your brain and your soul. It probably doesn’t have to be the whole three months—maybe you will only want to take a month or two. Anything you do will be an experience and a learning opportunity. But if you don’t take the opportunity to do something, I am afraid you will regret it.

Let me know what you end up choosing.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Topping the list of servant leader attributes was empathy, closely followed by being selfless and humble.  Also mentioned multiple times were being authentic, caring, collaborative, compassionate, honest, open-minded, patient, and self-aware. The word cloud pictured above features all of the attributes that were identified.

When it came to the top three behaviors servant leaders demonstrate, the leadership and learning professionals identified listening, followed by asking questions and developing others.

For leaders looking for ways to be more others-focused in their work conversations with direct reports, coaching experts Madeleine Homan Blanchard and Linda Miller suggest taking a LITE approach by learning four essential communication skills that form the acronym LITE.

Skill 1: Listen to Learn

Listening is one of the most essential skills any manager can have. Good listeners focus on what the other person is saying and respond in ways that make others feel heard and valued. In any interaction, managers should:

• Listen with the intent of understanding the other person
• Set aside distractions
• Focus on the person and give their undivided attention

Skill 2: Inquire for Insight

Great managers draw their people out. They ask questions that allow employees to share insights and ideas that can benefit projects, tasks, and the team as a whole. And it helps the manager to understand the underlying motivations in regard to what drives behavior. Managers should:

• Ask open-ended questions
• Emphasize what and how rather than why
• Encourage the direct report, once the conversation comes to an end, to recap in order to check for understanding

Skill 3: Tell Your Truth

Being honest builds trust and authenticity; it allows managers to share information that’s needed to help their employee move forward. Many managers are afraid being honest will hurt others’ feelings, but in all actuality, a truthful exchange can empower others. When telling their truth, managers need to:

• Be brave, honest, and respectful
• Be open to other perspectives
• Avoid blame or judgment while they focus on forward movement

Skill 4: Express Confidence

When managers express confidence in their people, it builds employees’ self-assurance and enthusiasm. In conversations with others, managers should:

• Highlight relevant qualities or skills
• Point out previous successes
• Offer support as needed

If you want your managers to deepen their leadership skills, you must teach them to use coaching skills and encourage a strong coaching culture within your organization. Help your managers develop the mindset of an effective coach by familiarizing them with the coaching process and providing effective coaching skills that will help their teams accelerate their performance.

Madeleine Homan Blanchard explains, “When you take the LITE approach, people walk away from the conversation feeling heard, validated, and ready to take action on what was discussed. These skills will help managers interact with their people more effectively and promote clarity and positivity.”

Interested in learning more about adding a servant leadership skillset into your existing leadership development program?  Join The Ken Blanchard Companies for a free webinar on June 20.  Use this link to learn more about Creating A Servant Leadership Curriculum.  The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

*Special thanks to research interns Casey McKee and Hunter Young for compiling data and creating the word cloud graphic which accompanies this post.

Take an Inside-Out Approach to Improving Customer Service Scores

Customer service expert Kathy Cuff believes that organizations need to take a look at how their culture impacts service. That starts by recognizing that everyone has internal customers. “It’s about looking at the relationships and mindset within the organization.”

You can check out the entire April issue here. Want Ignite delivered to your InBox each month?  You can subscribe for free using this link.

Servant Leadership: 20 Tips & Strategies from Today’s Top Leaders

In a recent Servant Leadership in Action Livecast, over 3,200 leadership, learning, and talent development professionals had an opportunity to hear from 20 of the contributing authors in a new book co-edited by Ken Blanchard and Renee Broadwell. The book, Servant Leadership in Action: How You Can Achieve Great Relationships and Results features 44 short articles that take a fresh look at servant leadership principles and how they can be applied in today’s organizations.

You can check out the entire March issue here. Want Ignite delivered to your InBox each month?  You can subscribe for free using this link.

Dear Madeleine,

I work with a large team and I am getting overwhelmed by the number of requests to donate to different causes.

I am one of the few people on the team without kids, and I have never asked my coworkers to donate to causes I support. But I am barraged by requests to buy wrapping paper, cookie dough, give to school fundraisers, etc., for people’s kids. Other colleagues are forever walking, biking, and running to raise money for various causes. And don’t get me started on Kickstarter campaigns.

I do feel fortunate and I do give back by volunteering at an animal shelter, so I feel like I do my part. My big dream is to travel, so I have been trying to put all my spare cash in a kitty to save up for that.

I know these causes are good ones, so I am always torn—and I feel like if I don’t give, people will judge me. What do you think?

Bled Dry

Dear Bled Dry,

I get it. It would be nice to have unlimited funds to just give all the time–the research shows that it gives humans great pleasure to do so—but clearly you don’t have that kind of money.

Most of the causes you are approached about probably are completely worthy, as you’ve said. And you have every right to save for your big trip. Half of the problem is the tizzy you get thrown into every time you get a request. The kind of mental gymnastics you are forced into is exhausting and is not serving you.

So here is what I suggest—it will be fair to all requesters and will stop constant noise caused by all the requests. Look at your finances and decide what you can afford to give on an annual basis while still saving for your dream. It doesn’t have to be a lot—maybe $200 or something like that. Then, you give a small amount, say $5 or $10 dollars, to anyone who asks, until you reach your pre-determined limit. Then you tell folks that you have maxed out your giving budget for the year. Done.

You will be secure in the knowledge that you thought it through, made some choices, and are sticking to your financial plan. People can judge however they please—and honestly, some will judge no matter what you do. The important thing is that you know you are doing the best you can.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

The same can be said for a person with integrity. I like to define integrity as a unifying way of being. It integrates all of the aspects of a person.

But many work cultures promote a compartmentalized view of life—for example, an expectation that you use only your brain (your head) at work and save emotions (your heart) for what is going on at home. Such an expectation is unrealistic, unhealthy, and exhausting. When you compartmentalize, you lose the integration and integrity needed to make wise choices.

Instead of compartmentalizing, I ask my clients to consider integrating their brain and their emotions more fully and to use both in a complementary fashion as they make decisions.  By removing the blinders of compartmentalizing, they can become more aware of what is going on inside themselves. This increased self-awareness creates new choices and opportunities.

Have you been trying to compartmentalize your heart from your head? How would your life be different if you checked in with all of yourself instead?

Select a few of the following activities to expand the use of all aspects of yourself—not just your head or just your heart—to see where else you can open yourself and better access your integrity.

• Write in a journal, seeking to address thoughts, feelings, and sensations
• Practice meditation
• Discuss what you’re learning with a caring colleague, friend, or family member
• Adopt a new physical activity and let your mind wander in this kinesthetic experience

Create the opportunity for greater integrity in your life. Rather than using your mind to have the last say in all your decisions, allow yourself to check in with your heart, your body, and your soul.

By reinforcing your awareness that your heart, mind, body, and soul are integrated, you will expand your ability to benefit from all aspects of yourself—and you will fully benefit from being in integrity instead of just having it.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

I can’t get what I need. My boss doesn’t understand me. My organization’s systems don’t work. I don’t have the resources I need. My job doesn’t take advantage of my strengths. No one appreciates me. My boss micromanages me. There’s no room for me to grow. They don’t understand how much I could be contributing if only they’d give me a chance.

If you’re human, I imagine you’ve thought or invoked one of these statements. I know I have.

Even though we may be able to justify these types of statements, they often reflect our own assumed constraints: beliefs that allow us to escape personal accountability and fall victim to circumstances or the actions of others. In the new Self Leadership program I co-created with Ken Blanchard and Laurence Hawkins, we teach that self leadership is about having the mindset and skillset to accept responsibility and take initiative.

While it is wonderful to learn how to ask for the direction and support you need to be successful in your role, it’s also important to remember that when something goes wrong, there’s no one else to blame.

The Hard Truths about Self Leadership

• Sometimes you misdiagnose your competence. Not knowing what you don’t know can be dangerous. Enthusiasm and high commitment are blessings, but don’t mistake them for high competence. Self leaders are able to appreciate where they are on the learning curve, diagnose their development level on a goal, and recognize the times and tasks where they need direction. Self leaders also have the wisdom to ask how to do something they’ve never done before.
• You have to ask for feedback. One of the most important habits of a self leader is proactively asking for feedback every day instead of waiting to get it. Recent research suggests people are more likely to listen to feedback when they have asked for it. And neuroscience shows the brain is more ready to integrate feedback when it’s asked for and received at a time that is most relevant to the learner.
• The best person to solve your problems is you. Nobody knows your problems better than you do. With experience, the best person to solve a problem is the person who identifies it. Self leaders go beyond problem spotting to proactive problem solving, which has been shown to reduce workplace stress and result in higher energy at the end of the day.
• You must stop blaming others. Even if your manager is ineffective, dismissive, or a micromanager, you need to build on the positive direction and support you do get from them—and manage up or around to get what you still need to succeed. When you take the lead in regular one-on-one meetings with your boss and ask for what you need, you may discover they simply weren’t aware of those needs.

Who Benefits from Self Leadership?

At an organizational level, recent research shows that the most important key to successful initiatives in organizations is the proactive behavior of individual contributors—self leaders who have the ability to accept responsibility and take the initiative to make change happen.

At an individual level, self leadership helps you liberate yourself from the perceived tyranny of organizational life, which frees you from assumed constraints that can limit the quality of your work experience. Being able to respond effectively to everyday challenges can be personally and professionally rewarding.

The responsibility for your success at work falls to you. The good news is that you have a choice. Is developing the mindset and skillset required to be a self leader worth your effort? Yes! A not-so-hard truth: the benefits of self leadership are as good for you as they are for your organization.

About the Author

Susan Fowler is the co-author of the newly revised Self Leadership and The One Minute Manager with Ken Blanchard and Laurence Hawkins and lead developer of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Self Leadership product line. She is also the author of the bestseller, Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work… and What Does. Susan is a Senior Consulting Partner at The Ken Blanchard Companies and a professor in the Master of Science in Executive Leadership Program at the University of San Diego.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a very large company and have managed a small team for a couple of years.  About a year ago, my department got a new leader, who is my manager’s boss.  This new leader came from another part of the company and apparently is being groomed for the senior leadership team.  Here’s the problem: he’s a first class jerk.  He withholds information, dresses people down in front of their own team, and takes credit for anything good that we all do.  He is just awful.   

I have nothing but respect for my immediate manager, who reports to the jerky boss.  But ever since the new leader arrived, my manager has changed into someone I don’t even know.  He seems paralyzed by indecision and is in a constant state of alarm.   He does not stand up for himself when he is bullied by his boss—which I know because I am often in meetings where this happens. 

This is driving me nuts.  I want to stand up for my boss but have been advised against it for several reasons.  I have also thought about submitting an anonymous report to HR about what I have seen.

I am losing respect for my boss and I am thinking of looking for a new place.  What do you think?

Want to Fight Back

Dear Want to Fight Back,

Well, that was probably good advice—you simply can’t fight other people’s battles for them.  And you probably can’t say anything to your boss about it, either, unless you have become really good friends and you are certain the breach of etiquette would be OK.

You can keep a copy of a great book about boundaries sitting on your desk—Boundaries for Leaders by Henry Cloud—and if your boss sees it and asks about it, you can loan it to him.

You can, and should, report inappropriate behavior to HR; perhaps even keep a journal with dates and times of egregious incidents.  I don’t mean any disrespect to HR, but I doubt they will be much help unless you witness your boss’s boss doing something illegal, like sexual harassment or some other kind of blatant discriminatory behavior.  Since the person in question has made his way up through the ranks without challenge so far, the values of your organization probably don’t address the situation you are witnessing.  Or the values exist, but nobody really cares about them.

Ultimately though, this just isn’t a situation you can fix—so looking for a new place to work probably isn’t a bad idea.  Best case would be that your boss gets a backbone, things change, and you don’t need to go.  In the worst case, your boss continues to let himself be bullied, your whole team is miserable, and you are out of there.

Your boss is lucky to have you because you really seem to have his back.  Maybe he will realize it and seek advice and support.  Most people who have gotten themselves into the kind of negative spiral you describe tend to isolate themselves—which is, of course, the worst response.

Good luck to you. I can only hope this whole situation will help you to stand up for yourself the next time you need to, and to be a better leader as your career progresses.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

What good is building character only to have it erode due to a lack of maintenance?  Coaching enables people to gain clarity about who they are, what they are doing, why they are doing it, and where they want to go.

In a recent coaching call, a client described a situation where during weekly staff meetings, a leader had been allowing one of her team members to speak negatively about people in another department.  The leader saw team meetings as a place to vent—but over the weeks they had begun to morph into weekly gossip fests.

My client was concerned about the situation. I listened and probed to help illuminate the source of her concern.  Affording her the time and space to discuss the topic moved the issue from being someone else’s problem to solve to being an opportunity to assess her own character and maintain it.

A coach will challenge clients to conduct themselves according to who and what they say they are. The coach does this by listening, asking focused questions, reflecting, challenging, and acknowledging the client.

The business case for coaching is that it supports the development of self leadership—but coaching accomplishes much more than that.  I’d say the personal case for coaching is that it is “customized maintenance for a leader’s character.”

What have you noticed in others that could be a good reminder to you?  What’s your maintenance plan for the leaders in your organization? Consider how a coach could help!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

A visionary/direction, or strategic, role—the leadership aspect of servant leadership; and

An implementation, or operational, role—the servant aspect of servant leadership.

The visionary role involves establishing a compelling vision that tells people who you are (your purpose), where you’re going (your picture of the future), and what will guide your journey (your values).

When Walt Disney started his theme parks, he was clear on his purpose. He didn’t say “We’re in the theme park business,” he said “We’re in the happiness business.” Why the distinction? Because being in the happiness business helps keep Disney cast members (employees) aware of the company’s primary goal.

Disney’s clear purpose for his theme parks also helps his people understand the company’s picture of the future, which is “To keep the same smile on people’s faces when they leave the park as when they entered.” After all, they are in the happiness business!

The final aspect of establishing a compelling vision for Disney theme parks was to identify values that would guide staff and management on their journey. Disney parks have four rank-ordered values, called the Four Keys: safety, courtesy, the show, and efficiency. Why is safety the highest ranked value? Walt Disney knew if a guest was carried out on a stretcher, that person would not have the same smile on their face leaving the park that they had when they entered.

The traditional hierarchical pyramid is effective here in the leadership aspect of servant leadership. People look to their organizational leaders for vision and direction. While these leaders may involve others in the process, the ultimate responsibility remains with the leaders to establish a compelling vision and define strategic initiatives for their people to focus on.

After the vision and direction are set, it’s time to turn the organizational pyramid upside down and focus on implementation—the servant aspect of servant leadership. Nordstrom excels at this. Their leaders work for their people—and now the focus and the energy flows toward the customer, not toward leadership. This one change in mindset makes all the difference. Nordstrom’s servant leaders help their people live according to the company’s vision, solve problems, and achieve their goals.

Our daughter, Debbie, worked at Nordstrom when she was in college. After she had been there about a week, I asked her how the job was going.

She said, “It’s going well, Dad, but I have a really strange boss.”

“Oh?” I said.

“At least three times a day, he says to me, ‘Debbie, is there any way I can help you?’ He acts like he works for me.”

“He does,” I said to Debbie. “That’s the Nordstrom philosophy—they’re all about serving rather than being served.”

For years, Nordstrom employees were given a card with just 75 words printed on it. It read:

Welcome to Nordstrom

We’re glad to have you with our Company. Our number one goal is to provide outstanding customer service. Set both your personal and professional goals high. We have great confidence in your ability to achieve them.

Nordstrom Rules: Rule #1: Use your good judgment in all situations. There will be no additional rules.

Please feel free to ask your department manager, store manager, or division general manager any question at any time.

I love to tell the story about a friend of mine who went to Nordstrom to get some perfume for his wife.

The salesperson said, “I’m sorry; we don’t sell that brand in our store. But I know where I can get it. How long will you be in the store?”

“About 30 minutes,” he said.

“Fine. I’ll go get it, bring it back, gift wrap it, and have it ready for you when you leave.”

That’s exactly what she did. And she charged him the same price she had paid at the other store. Nordstrom didn’t make any money on the deal, but what did they make? A raving fan customer.

So you see, servant leadership isn’t a strange concept at all. Large organizations like Disney and Nordstrom have been practicing it for years and doing pretty well. How about you and your company? Give servant leadership a try—you’ll be surprised at how it will help you achieve great relationships and great results.

Maybe it is the CEO of your company, the principal of your local high school, or the president of your alma mater.

If I asked you about the specific qualities that made them successful, you’d probably tell me about their hard skills—teachable abilities such as vision and strategic thinking.

But I’ll bet you’d also tell me about their soft skills—interpersonal abilities such as listening, collaborating, and endorsing others.

Yes, the hard skills matter, but in my experience it is soft skills that make a leader memorable—more than their title, degree, acquisitions, or accomplishments. Let me give you an example.

Twenty five years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, I attended a presentation by the famous Boston Children’s Hospital pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. After delivering his speech to a packed house, Dr. Brazelton took questions from the audience. One woman had a question about breastfeeding her three-year-old child.

A sizeable number of audience members started to murmur regarding the woman’s choice to nurse a child that age. The negative energy unsettled the mother and she paused in the middle of her question. The silence seemed to last forever, but Dr. Brazelton kept his compassionate gaze upon her. It was as if they were the only two people in the room. He nodded for her to continue and she tentatively resumed speaking. When she finished her question, he answered her. He then took the next question.

Why has this stayed with me for twenty-five years? In that moment, I saw Dr. Brazelton as an awesome leader because he didn’t do anything. He cared enough to wait. He held the space for her. The woman at the microphone felt his connection—and I did, too, as an observer. He didn’t play to the audience. He didn’t diminish the woman or her question. And by doing so, Dr. Brazelton allowed me to observe the transformational power of caring by truly listening. That evening, I learned so much from him—far beyond the topic of his speech.

Obviously, listening, caring, and creating a connection are important to me as a coach. It was not Dr. Brazelton’s education or professorships or thirty-page resume that affected me the evening I heard his speech. I was transformed by seeing a self-aware individual care to hear the question of another. It was powerful—and it remains powerful all these years later.

As the years have passed, I recall that night often and use it as a calibration in my own work by asking myself: In what ways am I creating connections like that?

How about you? Taking the opportunity to continually improve is essential to becoming a better, more self-aware leader. Unlike a hard skill, we’re never finished when it comes to improving our ability to listen, to be present, and to validate others. Consider how you can model both the hard and soft sides of leadership in your conversations. You’ll help yourself and others in working together more effectively—and isn’t that wonderful!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Her email back to me: You clicked the correct links to respond. I checked the links as well, and I also logged into your profile to look for the comment notification. It appears that he deleted his comment!

She had come to a plausible conclusion that I hadn’t even considered! I am supposed to be a subject matter expert on self leadership, yet I fell prey to an assumed constraint. I held an assumption that I was woefully ignorant when it comes to social media and incapable of solving the problem. I let that belief limit my openness to another possibility—such as, the man deleted his comment.

We fall prey to insidious assumed constraints every day. The way we internalize facts influences our beliefs that shape our intentions, which ultimately leads to our behavior.

Virtually raise your hand if your manager makes more money than you do. Nod your head knowingly if your manager has more position power than you do. Now consider how these facts influence your beliefs about the workplace, shape your intentions, and ultimately determine your behavior—and your relationship with your manager.

• Comparing my manager’s power and income to my own, I may conclude: I don’t have the power or ability to affect change. This belief leads me to watch painfully as changes happen to me without my input or participation.
• I may believe that my manager should know when I need more direction for achieving my goal. This belief causes me to wait for her to provide me with an action plan and the resources I need.
• Even sadder, maybe I believe my boss should know what I need, but is so self-absorbed, she doesn’t even notice. This belief leads me to resent my manager and sabotage the relationship because I don’t trust she has my best interests at heart.

Assumed constraints are beliefs that limit our experience. Self leadership demands the acknowledgement, exploration, and reframing of assumed constraints.

Challenging assumed constraints by flipping them into statements that lead to positive action is an essential mindset of a self leader. For example, what if I took the assumed constraint about power and flipped it? I believe I have the power and ability to affect change. This statement is more likely to lead to productive behavior, such as proactive problem solving or selling my solutions.

The flipped assumed constraint also leads to an exploration of power: What types of power do I have and how can I use my points of power to proactively achieve my goals and make greater contributions to others?

Research provides evidence that self leadership competencies can be learned—and that organizations would be better served by focusing budgets and training employees on self leadership. But learning the skillset also requires cultivating a mindset to challenge assumed constraints, activate your points of power, and be proactive.

Thinking about my assumed constraint for responding to comments on LinkedIn, I take heart that I proactively reached out to a subject matter expert using my relationship power. I feel confident that the next time I find myself frustrated over social media (probably sometime within the next hour or so), I will challenge my assumed constraints by mindfully exploring solutions I wouldn’t have considered before receiving Kristin’s insight. Then, if I really am stymied, I will reach out for direction and support.

Self Leadership is having the mindset and skillset for getting what you need to succeed. For true self leaders, accepting responsibility and taking initiative for the quality of your work and life experience is a continuous pursuit of learning, growing, and achieving. It is the saga that never ends.

About the Author

Susan Fowler is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies and the coauthor of Blanchard’s new Self Leadership program.  You can learn more about Susan and The Ken Blanchard Companies at http://www.kenblanchard.com

Your Leadership Point of View

Clarifying what you expect of yourself and of others and then sharing this information as your Leadership Point of View helps you and your team succeed together. It accelerates the process of helping people learn what makes you tick and brings about greater alignment faster. Creating an intentional vision also allows leaders to demonstrate consistency between their values, their words, and their actions.

In a post entitled Leadership Transparency: 3 Ways to Be More Open with Your People, Ken Blanchard shares three ways sharing their Leadership Point of View (LPOV) helps leaders connect with their direct reports.

1. Your LPOV identifies your beliefs about leading and managing people. Who are the people that have influenced you in your life? Most people think about traditional leaders first, but the reality is that parents, teachers, and other important people in our lives are the ones who have usually influenced our thinking the most. Given what you’ve learned from these influencers and your core values, what are your beliefs about leading and motivating people?
2. Your LPOV reveals what motivates you. How can you communicate what you believe and how it influences your behavior? When you share your LPOV with your direct reports, they will have the benefit of understanding where you’re coming from, what you expect from them, and what they can expect from you.
3. Your LPOV helps you lead by example. Your Leadership Point of View lets people know how you will set an example for the values and behaviors you are encouraging. We all know from personal experience that people learn from behaviors, not from words. Leaders must walk their talk. Developing a Leadership Point of View creates a clear path for you to follow.

A Coach Can Help

In working with leaders going through our Leadership Point of View program, we’ve found it requires courage and vulnerability to really think through past events that have contributed to the person you are today. A coach can guide a leader through this process—for example, to assess which stories to share and how to share them.

Earlier this year, I had the privilege of coaching a leader in the aeronautics industry. This engineer shared with me her story of being a child refugee—memories of her family leaving their communist country via airplane to start a new life in Australia. As a little girl she saw the airplane as a symbol of hope, opportunity, and the future. Until our coaching, this woman hadn’t realized the powerful connection her mind had made between airplanes and her family’s freedom! We used that metaphor throughout her LPOV, and it was extremely powerful. Her team had always seen her as a competent and capable engineer, but by sharing the story of her youth, they could see that what propelled her work was optimism and hope.

Developing and sharing your Leadership Point of View is a powerful process for creating connection. As the leader, you are sharing with your direct reports the key people, events, and beliefs that illustrate what you truly value. Consider how a coach can help you share what makes you you.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Freiberg shares how organizations need to find their cause if they are going to stand out in a crowded field.

Part of the process, according to Freiberg, is having employees reclaim their dreams–moving beyond just having a job to find something bigger and more fulfilling. And once becoming reacquainted with what’s engaging, she shares how to take a dream and turn it into action. The key, says Freiberg, is to find your personal WHY, in addition to your HOW and WHAT.

Freiberg shares how leadership development experts can help reignite this type of larger thinking using a three step process that includes: Identifying Your Why, Becoming Intentional, and then finally, Measuring Impact.

Be sure to listen to the very end of this 30-minute interview to hear Ken Blanchard share his key takeaways on the information Freiberg shares.

Listen to the podcast here: 

Dear Madeleine,

I am currently in an unfulfilling job. I also have digestive health issues that are not being resolved through diet and supplements.

I am a creative person and I long to travel. I currently want to leave my job and travel around the world to heal and to write about my experiences—a blog first, a book later.

But I have fears about financially surviving; about what will happen when I return from my travels; about my safety on the road; about not being able to get rid of my health issues; and even about how to write a book. How do I get past the fear and take the leap?

Afraid to Take the Leap

Dear Afraid to Take the Leap,

Oh, I hear your cry for freedom and it resonates deeply. But I’m torn between focusing on your fears and simply yelling “Go now before it’s too late!”

Obviously, I can’t tell what to do. Here is what I can tell you. You have a vision that leaving your job and traveling will be part of your healing process. You may think this kind of inspiration or calling is something that happens to people all the time. I can assure you this is not the case. In my experience there is a lot to be gained from heeding inner wisdom like this.

But there is no getting past fear. And while fear is designed to keep you from making stupid mistakes, the trick is to not let it also keep you from your heart’s desire.

All of your fears are well founded. Use them to help you prepare. Let’s take one at a time.

• Use your financial fears to ensure that you save up, sock away a reserve, and proceed frugally. Your worry about where you will land once you are done with your travels will guide you to set up some options for a soft landing.
• Safety on the road? Well, yes, that is reasonable; the world is frightening. Ask yourself what would make you feel safer. Finding travel companions? Taking a self-defense class?
• Your health problems may not be resolved; that’s true. The fact is that they may never go away, so you need to be prepared for that. But at least you know for sure that what you’ve already tried hasn’t worked. What can it hurt to try other things?
• Finally, you should be terrified by the idea of writing a book. I can tell you from personal experience that the only way to figure out how to write a book is to start writing.

There. Still scared? Sure you are. Because that was only the tip of the iceberg, right? The thing to do with fear is welcome it into your life. Make a list of every single fear you have and do everything you can to reasonably protect yourself from worst case scenarios.

Who knows what kinds of responsibilities you are going to assume in the future—spouse, children, aging parents? I always think part of my job as a coach is to work with people toward their having as few regrets as possible at the end of their lives. So maybe the question to ask yourself is Which choice would I regret most in five years: maintaining status quo or going for the big vision? There is a good chance that if you don’t seize the moment now for your grand adventure, you will regret it.

I am very much influenced by a lovely TED Talk that a friend shared with me recently. It is by Amy Krouse, a wonderful artist and writer who died of cancer last month at 51. Her talk is called “7 Notes on Life.” I wrote them down and taped them to my wall. The seven points, represented as notes on a musical scale, are:

• Always trust the magic
• Beckon the lovely (Amy said “I tend to believe whatever you decide to look for, you will find. Whatever you beckon will eventually beckon you.”)
• We are all Connected
• Do (take action)
• Cultivate Empty space
• Figure it out as you go
• Go to what makes you come alive

She did the talk in 2010, long before she knew that she would die of ovarian cancer in 7 years. I can only imagine that she lived by this code and sure was glad she did when it was all cut short.

You sound like a smart, rational person who would first prepare properly and then, in fact, be able to figure things out as you go. I always encourage my clients—and my children, for that matter—to keep moving toward the heat. But I like the way Amy says it: “Go to what makes you come alive.” How can that be a bad idea?

I am clearly biased on this one. It is my nature. That being said, if you decide not to leap, at the very least go find yourself a job that is fulfilling. Please let me know what you decide.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

No, I’m not talking about Christmas. I’m talking about March Madness!

I’m a big fan of college basketball and the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament is like Christmas in March. There are always underdogs upsetting the established favorites and feel-good stories of players overcoming personal challenges to reach new heights in their athletic careers. One of the prominent story lines in this year’s tournament is the University of South Carolina reaching the Final Four for the first time in school history.

In a recent USA Today article, Frank Martin, the head coach for South Carolina, discussed what drives his approach to leadership:

“See I’ve got four core values I live my life by and I run my teams by and I run my family with: Honesty, loyalty, trust and love. And the only way you get to love is if you experience the other three. When you get to love, that gets strong. I don’t care what storm comes through, you’re not breaking love. But if you get to love without the other three, you let that thing go right away. So, you’ve got to go through the first three and that’s the only way you get to love. And that’s what I live by, I run my family by that, and I try to coach our guys that way. To get them to that place in life.”

In just a few poignant sentences, Martin shared what all great leaders know—Values are the foundation upon which your leadership and your life is built.

If you haven’t identified your core values, here’s a quick way to get started:

1. Think about your leadership role models. What about those people inspired you? How did they demonstrate leadership? What was their lasting impact on you? What about their leadership style do you want to emulate?
2. Identify situations that caused you to feel a sense of injustice. What was it about those situations that caused you to feel that way? Was there a particular issue, value, or belief that you felt was being dismissed? Those are likely candidates of values that you hold near and dear to your heart.
3. Consider your non-negotiables. What will you go to the mat on? What battle will you fight no matter the cost? These are the values that should rise to the top of the list.
4. Define and behavioralize your selected values. Write a concise sentence that defines what that value means to you, and then list a few behaviors that illustrate what that behavior looks like in action. For example, if the selected value is trust, a definition might be acting with integrity and keeping commitments. Behaviors of how you live out trust could be tell the truth, treat people fairly, and only make promises I can keep.

You can supercharge your values by sharing them with the people you lead. It helps them better understand what motivates you as a leader and it holds you accountable to consistently behaving in alignment with those values.

Great leaders know the power of having core values.

Randy Conley is the Vice President of Client Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. His LeaderChat posts appear the fourth or last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

But how does this really occur? Certainly not with the coach standing there, bullhorn in hand, yelling at the leader to stay on task.

Instead, the coach listens carefully to what really matters to the leader and helps the leader connect the meaning to the activity.

I’ll give you an example. I recently worked with two leaders in different organizations who needed to improve their expense report process. Each was frustrated by a system they saw as unnecessarily complicated and burdensome.

How did each leader determine the best strength to use to get those pesky expense reports completed? Through positive psychology coaching. Founded at the turn of this century, positive psychology is the scientific study of the strengths that enable individuals to thrive. The field is founded on the belief that people want to:

• lead meaningful and fulfilling lives,
• cultivate what is best within themselves, and
• enhance their experiences in all aspects of their lives.

Through coaching, both of these leaders successfully addressed the process of completing their expense reports on time, but in very different ways: for one, it meant employing the strength of perseverance. For the other, it centered on the strength of gratitude.

Both of these strengths were identified by using the Values In Action survey. This is a scientifically validated tool that looks at 24 character strengths and rank orders the strengths of an individual through self-reporting. The VIA survey of character strengths has been taken by more than four million people and can be accessed here: www.viacharacter.org. Character strengths are positive personality core capacities for thinking, feeling, and behaving in ways that can bring benefit to oneself and others—not only at work but also in personal relationships.

The leader with the signature strength of perseverance used the fact that he takes satisfaction in completing tasks and applied that valuable perspective to his expense reports. The other leader focused on her strength of gratitude to get her reports done: she channeled her appreciation for the people who processed the reports as well as the gratitude she felt that her organization supported her travel as well as her training.

How about you? What would your day look like if you led with your signature strengths?

Leaders who purposefully employ a strengths-based approach show greater engagement in their activities including a sense of ownership and authenticity, a rapid learning curve as the strength is applied, and—key to the leaders above—an intrinsic motivation to use the strength.

If you develop the habit of consciously applying your strengths, I suggest you’ll find yourself fueled with a clean source of energy that is unique to you. Take the VIA survey and find out!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

An avid “yachtee,” my 90-year-old dad recently cut himself while on his boat, which resulted in a four-day stay in the hospital. Now I’m on deck as his main caregiver. Admittedly, it can be exhausting to look after an elderly parent, run two households and—oh yes—work full-time.

The gift in all of this? I’m hearing stories from Dad about his life experiences that I never would have heard if we hadn’t spent this time together. These stories are not only about the person he is and the life he’s led—they are also life lessons that are giving me insight into who I am and how I arrived at this point in my life. Being a caregiver has upended my life in unexpected ways that sometimes feel like total chaos, and yet I wouldn’t trade Dad’s stories for anything.

Leaders, too, occasionally may feel as if they are living in turmoil. I work for a wonderful woman who recently referred to this concept as “being over her skis”—a term you may recognize as feeling a bit out of control on a downhill slope, with no way to brake. An executive client who works for a US federal agency expressed the feeling as an “intensity of anticipated change.”

So where are the gifts in these situations? And how do we recognize them for what they are? Here are 3 questions you can ask yourself that may lend a little clarity:

1. If I were in control, how would I choose to feel or think in this situation?
2. What environment do I want to create for others, and how do I do so?
3. What can I learn from this situation and how can I apply that learning?

While we may not be in control of a particular circumstance, we can be in control of our emotions. Notice what you are feeling and what messages you are telling yourself. If necessary, make a conscious shift to a more productive and positive outlook.

Know that as a leader, people look to you as a barometer. When you project calm assurance, others will respond in kind. But if you are crazed with stress, using fear as evidence, or getting paralyzed by the unknown, so are your people.

Every day brings a multitude of blessings our way. It is up to us to recognize them for the gifts they are.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

How has thankfulness and gratitude made a difference in your life?

As Ken reminds us, “We all have an opportunity to make a difference in the world.” What a great reminder to recognize how blessed we are and to share those blessings with others!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OiBjRsz9po

Pew Research even has a quiz called “How millennial are you?” that shows where you fit on the scale and how you compare with others in your generation. I’m not entirely sure how scientific this is, but I scored a whopping 99 out of 100.

The definition  of a millennial varies depending on where you get your facts and figures—but the consensus seems to be that it’s a person born between 1980 and the mid-1990s. I particularly like Fortune’s definition: “those aged between 18 and 34 in 2015.”

Dan Schawbel has collated a list of some facts about millennials, if you want to do further research about this generation. Some of the facts are shocking, including their collective $1 trillion in student debts; or that only 6 out of 10 millennials have jobs—and half of those jobs are part-time. The article is a couple of years old now but it’s a good starting point for an overview.

It doesn’t take a scientist to identify that the stereotypical attributes of a millennial I outlined above could easily be interpreted to be negative traits; but millennials are getting fed up of getting a bad rap. A quick search online of the word millennial brings up a plethora of articles and blogs about how the negative view many people have of millennials is probably not deserved.

As workplaces move into the future, they’re going to need to start looking at millennials a little differently. This generation currently makes up one-third of the world’s workforce and by 2025, they will account for 75%. If business leaders continue to look at millennials with the aforementioned negative slant, they won’t be able to utilise this growing workforce to the best of their ability.

The growing proportion of millennials in business actually isn’t bad news at all. They’re set to be the most educated generation in history. Growing up in a world filled with negativity and recession has made them resilient, adaptable, and innovative when put in the right environment. They’re more determined than previous generations to prove themselves worthy in the job market because they’ve grown up without knowing job security. And, as the first generation that doesn’t remember what life was like before smart phones and the internet, they’re an excellent resource when it comes to understanding and harnessing the power of technology.

To get the best from the millennial generation it’s important to be able to understand them fully. Business leaders will need to adapt their ways of working to harness the millennial contribution.

Millennials are notable for their unwavering commitment to friends, family, and hobbies—even at the expense of face time at work. Research conducted by Bentley University found that 75% of millennials see themselves as authentic and are not willing to compromise their family and personal values. Companies on the “100 Best Workplaces for Millennials” list are more likely to offer flexible scheduling (76% vs. 63% for other companies), telecommuting options (82% vs. 74%), paid sabbaticals (15% vs. 11%) and paid volunteer days (46% vs. 39%.) More winning millennial-friendly companies offer perks like massages (65% vs. 26%) and fitness classes (70% vs. 24%) to their workforce. You would need to be living in a bubble to have missed the reports on Google’s employee perks or Virgin’s unlimited holiday policy.

The more you dig into the research behind the millennial generation, the more it seems that what they’re looking for is fairness, flexibility, and tolerance. They’ve grown up knowing insecurity. As a result, they’re inclined to work harder and they expect to be rewarded and recognised for their achievements. They are happy to look for work elsewhere if their workplace doesn’t provide a work-life balance that allows them to prioritise things that are important to them—which is not, necessarily, their work.

Millennials are a highly skilled, highly informed workforce with a lot of potential—so being an employer that stands out to them is important. If your organization can offer them:

• a focus on the shorter term (to attract and retain those pesky job-hoppers);
• compensation that is based on their own performance and assurance that the only bar to their success is their own ability;
• greater flexibility for an optimal work-life balance; and
• access to an abundance of growth and learning opportunities…

…you’ll send out a positive, inviting message. And you will harness the power and potential of this intelligent, productive generation as they become a larger and larger share of your workforce.

Dear Madeleine,

I am worried about my boss. He has always been super bright, ahead of everyone else, with a mind like a steel trap. He has been an amazing boss and a real mentor for me; I have a lot of respect and affection for him.

Lately he has been forgetting critical things, like big decisions we’ve made and meetings that have been scheduled forever. Just yesterday he showed up at a client meeting with potential customers whom he’d met several times and it was clear that he did not remember them. I am constantly covering for him. I try to make sure he is prepared for things, but then he forgets our conversation. I am running myself ragged trying to do my job and his. Others on the team are noticing it, and people are starting to talk. He really seems too young for this to be happening and I don’t know what to do. I would never want to hurt him, and it would break my heart if he thought I was talking about him to HR or anyone else. What do you think?

At a Loss

Dear At a Loss,

Well, heartbreak is ahead for you in this situation any way you look at it. I couldn’t be more sorry. Truly. You absolutely must, must, must go to your boss’s boss or to HR. If you won’t go right now, at the very least start documenting every incident so that you have a clear record of what is going on.

The best case scenario would be that your boss sees a doctor and finds out he has a correctable condition that is impairing his cognitive function. This is actually possible, and I hope that is what is going on. The worst case scenario would be that he has some kind of early onset dementia that will not improve with medical attention. Either way, you owe it to your boss and to your organization to make sure he gets help. If you have any relationship at all with his significant other or spouse, you might want to have a heart to heart talk with that person as well.

It is critical that someone have your boss’s back and makes sure he is properly taken care of. I have heard horror stories about senior leaders in organizations who learn a colleague is impaired and take advantage of the situation by having that person sign away their rights to pensions, insurance, etc. Perhaps you think this would never happen at your organization—and that would be a good thing—but keep your eyes open.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I think a more accurate characterization of this generational group is what I now call the inbetweeners—those who have been stuck in a bubble of transitioning out of school, trying to build a career, and eventually getting into management. They are caught in between navigating a tough economy, getting work experience, and paying off student debt.

The new mantra for inbetweeners? Death, taxes, and student debt. Or, as Wall Street has nicknamed them, the HENRYs: High Earner, Not Rich Yet. Whatever characterization you want to make, let’s make one thing clear about inbetweeners—they got this! And they need your help!

Here’s my passive aggressive approach to help inbetweeners muddle through this in-between life stage.

The first theory: It’s not your fault.

The economic collapse and great recession had nothing to do with your life choices. You inherited a business landscape mired with corruption from the banks—and your once needed college degree doesn’t hold the weight it once did. Your curiosity to learn led you past the typical business major or pre-law approach. You dabbled in various programs, maybe even changed majors once or twice, and ended up six months from graduation knowing that the internships you were applying for wanted two to three years of direct experience. How did that happen?

At graduation, your parents asked what your plans were and you said, “I don’t know—California sounds nice.” To them, that meant you didn’t have a plan—or you didn’t know what the heck you were doing. The first probably wasn’t true but the second definitely was. No companies called you back, you didn’t have a lifeline, and even your well-to-do uncle had nothing for you at the shop. You tried. The breaking point was when your grandpa suggested you go door-to-door like he did, telling all the companies you are a hard worker and you never give up. To him it showed moxie, grit, and some maturity—like his eagle forearm tattoo.

The second theory: It is your fault.

Most of the working world buys into this second theory, thinking the Inbetweeners have no one to blame but themselves. And they’re right. It is your fault. Did you have to be a general studies major? I know the classes were easier and you got to choose things you were really interested in, but what are your transferable business skills? I know the out of state college that accepted you was everything you wanted, but is being $50K in debt for an undergraduate degree really worth it? Maybe some of your life choices didn’t equate to successful business skills and outcomes. For those who have been irked by these realities, here are some hilarious comebacks by the inbetweeners who recently hijacked a Twitter hashtag.

Although some of you have been settled in your role for a few years and are now looking toward the new challenge of management, chances are you haven’t been properly trained to manage. Maybe you have a degree from an Ivy League School—maybe even an advanced degree. Maybe your mom told you that you are the best and she still loves you. With all this going for you, how does your employer not notice you? You’ve even said “Put me in coach, I’ve been playing left bench for too long.” You just want a shot.

Perhaps you should take a second and think about that jump. A recent survey says that 51 percent of inbetweeners are in formal leadership positions but most of those aren’t prepared to take over a management job.  For those who can’t wait, there is some good news.

The latest data released on CNN shows that median income in the US just increased for the first time since 2007—the year before the great recession started. The stronger job market is starting to translate into higher wages and more opportunities for growth and management within organizations. Now it is more imperative than ever to establish those management capabilities. That starts by developing sound decision making skills, earning trust by completing tasks, and collaborating across departments to get work accomplished.

Developing true managerial and business skills before you jump into management will more likely ensure a long and successful career. You’ll get your chance. Just make sure you are ready when your name is called.

In an article for Forbes, David Horsager, author of The Trust Edge: How Top Leaders Gain Faster Results, Deeper Relationships, and a Stronger Bottom Line shares that anyone in a leadership role can have a compelling vision, excellent strategy, flawless communication skills, insight, and hard-working direct reports, but if people don’t trust them, they’ll never get the intended results.

At the same time, research by Towers Watson identifies that only 55% of employees trust senior management, and only 52% of employees think their leaders are aware of how their actions impact the thoughts and emotions of other workers.

Business leaders need to be skilled in the art and science of trust if they are going to succeed in engaging the hearts and minds of those they lead.

So how can a leader build trust?  Here are five places I’d start.  See how this matches up with your experience.

1. Increase self awareness, and living with core values.

A good leader needs to know themselves well, and understand their own behaviors and actions. Becoming more aware of their own moral values and personality traits allows a leader to identify assumptions and behaviors that might hinder their ability to lead effectively.

2. Avoid breaking promises.

Leaders who keep their word build trust because people know what to expect from them. Leaders can avoid breaking promises by learning to say “no” if necessary; only making promises they intend to keep in the first place, and keeping agreements clear and precise. If something comes up that requires a change, share any setbacks early on.

3. Being honest and upfront.

Trustworthy leaders keep their team members informed as much as they can—sharing information openly and honestly—even if this means having a difficult conversation. Honesty and openness increase trustworthiness because employees know that their leader isn’t intentionally hiding information.

4. Approachability and mutual respect.

A trustworthy leader needs to be approachable. Team members won’t approach their leader if they can’t predict how the leader will react, or what kind of mood he or she will be in. This consistency in reaction should be applied to everyone on the team (and not just the people they like the most!)

5. Being firm, but fair.

Leaders need to be clear on their expectations and then be available for course corrections as needed. If a leader sees someone off course, tell them right away. Be honest and upfront but also be prepared to listen carefully and really understand the reasons why a direct report is not meeting the expectation set.

Trust is a key element of success in today’s business environment.  When everything is moving quickly, you need people you can count on, and people need leaders they can trust.  Without it, things grind to a halt and even the simplest of tasks takes forever.

Leaders have a major role to play in setting the tone for their team, department, or organization. I hope these five points get you thinking about ways you can improve trust in your organization.  Any additional ideas?  Be sure to share them below.

Sharing your Leadership Point of View is one of the most powerful ways to accomplish that, according to coaching expert Joni Wickline.

In the August issue of Blanchard Ignite, Wickline describes a Leadership Point of View as a story about“…the people and events that have shaped who you are. It also speaks to your values, your beliefs, and what drives you as a leader.”

For many, creating a Leadership Point of View (LPOV) is an emotional journey. Wickline says a lot of leaders play it safe when first given the chance to share.

“It’s hard to share some parts of your Leadership Point of View because it’s so personal. It’s normal to be apprehensive talking about people, experiences, and values that have made you who you are, including your expectations for yourself and others. But it will deepen the relationship between you and your direct reports. It dramatically shortens the time it takes people to get to know you as a person and as a leader.

For leaders who have never even considered sharing personal experiences, Wickline suggests a couple of first steps.

Take a Minute to Reflect. Going through the process of identifying your LPOV requires time—time to reflect on yourself; what brought you to where you are today; what makes you tick. Most leaders haven’t spent much time looking back to identify where their values and beliefs came from. Wickline would be the first to admit that she fell into the same category.

“When I started working on my Leadership Point of View, I had to think long and hard about my current attitudes and how they came to be. For example, when somebody tells me I can’t do something, I immediately fight against that and do whatever it takes to prove them wrong. Where on earth did that come from?”

Tell A Story. Wickline says when leaders spend time thinking about where their values and beliefs originated, they will come up with stories they can share with people. And stories are important.

“People remember stories. If I just say, ‘Here is a list of things I think are important,’ people won’t remember that. But when I tell stories about experiences I’ve had or share something I learned from my mom or dad, it makes a connection.”

Make Sure It’s Your Story. It’s important to share your authentic self, reminds Wickline. She once worked with a leader who asked to hear her story as an example of a good presentation so that he could better shape his.

“He told me he really resonated with my story—but I reminded him it was my story, and he needed to tell his. He insisted he could just refine mine with a little bit of tweaking here and there, but I continued to steer him away from that idea.

“I told him, ‘No, the story won’t sound authentic if you try to frame it as your own.’ The goal—and the power—is in sharing your true, authentic self. We each have many stories no one else can tell.”

Creating a Deeper Connection

In encouraging leaders to share their story, Wickline relates positive experiences others have had after crafting their LPOV. “People who put the time and energy into this process consistently look back on the experience as something that helped them rediscover the values and beliefs they hold dear. Sharing your story with your team creates a deep connection.

“So what are the stories that illustrate your values that you could share with others? What’s happened in your life? Who can you point to as a personal influence that will help your team learn more about what makes you tick? Creating and sharing your Leadership Point of View is a wonderful gift to give to yourself, your people, and your organization.”

You can learn more in the August issue of Blanchard Ignite.  Also be sure to check out a webinar that Wickline is conducting on August 24, Creating a Deeper Connection: Sharing Your Leadership Point of View—it’s free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Recently, we began implementing a company-wide change process that included redefining our organization’s values. As you might imagine, leading a change initiative in a company that teaches change management poses a unique set of challenges.

I helped lead the rollout of our new values. In the process, I learned three things I want to pass along in case your organization is considering a similar move.

Don’t be afraid of top down. Vision and direction need to be set in stone by executive management. People may get nervous or annoyed that the ones at the top are making these decisions, but it doesn’t need to be framed that way. It’s really a matter of perspective.

When I was young, I took a trip to Washington and climbed to the top of Mt. St. Helens. The view at base camp, where hundreds of people were checking their gear, stretching, and prepping to make the ascent, was very different from what I saw when I reached the summit. By far, the best views of the abundant vegetation, wildlife, and beautiful Spirit Lake could only be seen from the top of the mountain. In the same way, a change initiative must start with the people who have the responsibility for the larger view of the company. Take advantage of that perspective. Have senior leaders begin the conversation on the vision, mission, and values that correspond to the organization’s five, ten, or twenty year plan.

Get buy-in early: The biggest misconception people in organizations have is that buy-in should happen toward the end of their change process. On the contrary! The buy-in process needs to start at the beginning of the initiative. This part should be a collaborative effort with everyone’s input. In our company, we rally around the phrase Feedback is the breakfast of champions. Once the initial vision is formed by senior leadership, others need to be involved in shaping the plan.

For our values initiative, we conducted several half-day online workshops so that everyone in the company would have the opportunity to review, discuss, and weigh in on the proposed values. More than 80 percent of our total workforce participated. Senior leaders were delighted to hear the many ideas shared during the process and enthusiastic about the values that ultimately rose to the top—including two that were dubbed Kenship and Getting to D4. (Email me at gus.jaramillo@kenblanchard.com if you want to see the final list.) Taking the time for feedback and buy-in made for a stronger final product.

Fully integrate values into systems and procedures. Values are great to display on the wall—and trust me, we are posting them everywhere! But if they stay on the wall without actually being integrated into organizational systems and procedures, they will end up merely as outdated décor. No one wants that. Ultimately, values drive behavior. To this end, we are working to develop ways that our performance management system, recognition programs, and hiring procedures will fully integrate with our new values.

The steps we are taking in this direction include a redesign of our annual recognition program that includes the addition of specific awards that match values-based behaviors. We have also created a private Facebook page where all Blanchard associates can share real-time praise of colleagues (to highlight a sale, great teamwork, successful training) for all to see, along with a hashtag to the particular value that is being demonstrated such as #Trustworthiness. These are two great ways for us to reinforce the positive behavior that we believe will drive success in the organization—and there’s more to come.

That’s Us—How about You?

That’s how we are approaching our change initiative. How does it match up with your approach? We know the process of implementing organizational change is never easy or quick. But we also know if we work together, make the effort, and take the time to do things right, we will succeed—and our organization will be the better for it.

Dear Madeleine,

I’m a senior leader in the marketing department of a large consumer goods company and I report to the VP of operations. My boss is tough as nails and pays attention only to numbers, not people. I can’t stand her style. I’m much more of a people person and I believe that the environment I create for people is really important. When I try to discuss this with her, she just laughs.

She often comes to my team meetings and yells at my people for trivial, irrelevant things. But my people work really hard and we had an amazing year last year.

She is effective in her job and has the ear of the executive team. I know I need her approval to get the promotion to VP that I believe I deserve. But I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m a big softie and will never be top leadership material. How can I win here?

Big Softie

Dear Big Softie,

The first question you need to ask yourself is “Do I want to win here?” You will be swimming upstream constantly, fighting your leader on nothing less than the culture of the organization. I’m not saying you can’t do it—you totally can—but you need to first understand what you are taking on. It might be easier for you to go find a culture that better suits your world view than to try to change the one you are in.

If you decide to stay, you will need to suit up—preferably with armor. And if you have a big horse you can ride into battle and a sword to wave around, all the better. I am only partially teasing. Honestly—you are in for a fight and you will need your warrior energy.

First, you will need to learn to speak the language of numbers. You can be a people person and speak numbers at the same time—it’s just another skill. Pay attention to the numbers your boss cares about most and start every meeting with them, pointing out how you and your team have influenced them for the better.

At the same time, make sure every single one of your people has clear goals with milestones so you can measure exactly how amazing they are. Share those metrics with your boss. But be ready: you just may find that your people aren’t as amazing as you thought they were. Providing some course correction in this case will make you a more effective manager.

Where else can you track numbers to show how effective you are? Find out and nail them.

The hardest thing for you to do in this whole process will be to push back on your boss. For example, you have the right to draw a boundary and ask your boss to stop yelling at your people. Practice this with a friend and get the wording just right. Point out that she is undermining your authority by superseding you in meetings. Ask her to give you the feedback and to trust you to share it the way you see fit. It sounds like she is a bit of a bully—and bullies tend to back down when challenged. She will probably respect you for it.

Give yourself six months and see if there is any change. You can always ask her what she needs to see for you to be promoted, but given the profile you have provided I suspect she expects you to read her mind and simply start doing the job you want to be promoted into. Show her how capable you are instead of asking for her approval.

I understand if you decide you aren’t up for all of this—after all, your full time job is plenty. You just need to decide for yourself how hard you want to work.

Good luck.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In a paradoxical twist, as it seems to always happen, she had some amazing insight that has helped me understand my value both professionally and personally.

She told this story:

In the 80s my father was invited to interview at a well known Wall Street firm. He said the interview went well. As they were wrapping up, he felt that they may be on the fence and he wanted to close the deal.

So at the end of the interview he said, “Here’s what I’ll do. I will work for free for you for 90 days, and after 90 days, if you don’t think I’m worth it, you can let me go.”

And that’s exactly what happened.

He worked at the firm with no pay for 90 days—and then they let him go. 

He was stunned.

So he went back to the executive team and asked, “How can you let me go after I delivered on every single aspect of the job? I did everything you asked me to do and worked really hard to prove myself to everyone.”

After hearing him out, finally one of the executives said, “We are letting you go because, if you don’t know your worth, we don’t either.”

If you don’t know what you are worth, either professionally or personally, someone definitely will tell you. My friend and I were discussing salary, but the value of knowing your worth transcends work and relates to all avenues of life. What would happen if you truly evaluated your worth? What would you do differently?

Know your worth. Know who you are. And don’t apologize for it. Go out and be you, and dare others to stop you. You’re worth it!

Running is part of my life. It’s what I do.

But lately I’ve encountered a problem: I haven’t been running.

When I’m training for a race, I run three times during the week and then have a long run on the weekend. There’s no doubt my friends get bored of me cancelling plans in favour of “Sunday Run Day.” Even when I’m not actively training, I like to keep my fitness level high and run at least twice a week.

But I’ve been struggling recently. I’ve probably been out on some shorter runs, perhaps going twice in the last month. As a result I’m trying to understand what is stopping me from lacing up my trainers and taking that step out of the front door.

• Work has been busy. (But I could definitely spare time to go out for a short run each day—I’d just need to get up a little bit earlier.)
• I’ve had a lot of plans with friends. (But I could easily find a balance between working out and going out.)
• I need some new trainers. (But the old ones still work.)

I haven’t got any real excuses not to be out pounding the pavements; I simply can’t be bothered. I can’t find the motivation. I just don’t want to.

I’ve registered for some races in the second half of the year. I can’t wait to start training for these races, but I’m procrastinating, because I have lots of time between now and then. Whilst being registered for a race is a short-term motivational push (simply because I fear being the last one panting across the finish line), the races aren’t enough to keep me running the rest of the time. The promise of a medal and a finisher’s t-shirt is an exciting reward, but it’s not enough to push me all the time.

I’ve found myself slipping away from running, and I find myself at a point now where I’m simply disinterested. I’m prioritising other commitments, and I’m not leaving myself with enough time or energy to go for a run. I’d rather be doing something else. I simply don’t care.

That can’t be right.

Look at my opening paragraph. I’ve already said that being a runner defines me. If I am to find the motivation to run again, I need to remember what makes me want to run. I need to remind myself why I love running.

I started running at university. I took a law degree, so after a day of reading textbooks, I decided I didn’t want to stay inside, and I found that running became an escape. I could go out, and use it to digest everything I’d read that day; or to think about things that weren’t law. It was my freedom, and my thinking space.

The more I ran, the fitter I became, and with that, I found that maintaining that fitness was important to me. Plus, if I ran, it meant that I could eat more (and anyone who knows me, knows I like food—a lot!)

I started tweeting about running – yes, I’m one of those annoying people, but everyone knows if you don’t share your workout on social media, it basically doesn’t count – Twitter opened the door to my first Marathon. I trained, and it became an addiction. I chased the miles; the times and the personal bests; and I learned to love the ache in my legs.

Running became part of me. I wasn’t running because I had to. I was running because I loved how it made me feel – it cleared my mind, it meant I could eat loads of cake kept me fit, and I just enjoyed doing it. It became an integrated part of my life.

The key to getting myself back to enjoying running again is to remind myself that in running I can demonstrate important values of fitness. I can derive that sense of fun and enjoyment and continue to feed my natural love of challenging myself.

The end-of-race medal is a great goal to work towards—but if I’m to keep running, I need to find a kind of motivation that isn’t external. It’s not because of the promise of a piece of “race bling.” It’s because the only person who can fully motivate me—is me!

This interesting video points out how every weakness has a flipside—a strength. And vice versa.

When you understand not only the strengths but also the weaknesses of your direct reports, you can better tailor their work to help them achieve their goals. For example, someone who is extremely creative and bright may lack organization. When providing this person with a project, give them a short outline to help them stay on track or set up regular check-ins to ensure they are making progress.

Next time you feel let down as a leader, learn to find the strength within the weakness. Practicing this skill will demonstrate your appreciation for each person’s value and make you a better leader.

However, in our conversation she didn’t lead with her standards.  Instead, she questioned her boundaries.  She was uncomfortable because she had always heard that boundaries are needed to keep other people away—and that weak people had weak boundaries and pushy people had pushy boundaries.

As we spoke, I shared the truth about boundaries:  the reason we need boundaries is to protect and uphold our standards.  The purpose of boundaries is supportive, not defensive.

The illustration that I feel best symbolizes the relationship between boundaries and standards is that of a lighthouse. A lighthouse is solidly constructed and tall.  It is illuminated 24 hours a day and visible no matter what the weather.  A lighthouse is also well fortified, typically set on the summit of a rocky island with large rocks buttressing the impact of the waves of the ocean well before they can hit the lighthouse.

The lighthouse is you, with your standards in place. Your boundaries are represented in the care with which you have situated the lighthouse for support and protection.  Your boundaries keep you and your standards visible for all to see.  Nice, eh?

Your boundaries help you define who you are.  To effectively protect and support your standards, it’s likely that your boundaries will address two basic categories:  your time and your emotions.  Please consider the following questions to help you zero in on the boundaries you will need to claim and fortify.

• Do you have enough time?
  • If not, why not?
    • Is it because you say “yes” when you want to say “no”?
    • Are you everyone’s go-to person for support or advice, or to get things done?
      • Even though it tires you, do you secretly enjoy this go-to status?
    • How do the demands others place on you—which raid your time and emotional strength— support your standards?

To counter against her previous tradition of giving away her time and emotions, my client appropriately set boundaries bigger than she initially thought she’d need.  Here’s an example:  Rather than thinking how everyone is counting on you to chair a committee, remind yourself that you have a standard of telling the truth without becoming defensive.   You can practice a response (“I won’t be accepting any more committee work”) and have it ready to repeat as often as necessary.  It will be uncomfortable, and it may surprise some people, but it is worth it.

Benefits of extensive boundaries:

• You show you have respect for yourself
• Caring friends, colleagues, and family members will endorse you for extending your boundaries to support your standards
• You’ll attract like-minded people
• You will no longer feel drained or violated
• Your standards will have the room to rise when you so choose

By the end of the call, my client was pleased to have shifted her thinking about the role of boundaries— from pushing others away to supporting herself and her standards.

Will setting boundaries work for you?  Yes, it will. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a manager for about ten years in three different companies, all in the same industry. I have learned a lot and over the years have become more patient and diplomatic and a better communicator. I have a reputation for being a tough but fair manager and I keep getting promoted.

All my hard-won experience didn’t keep me from making a really terrible mistake, though. I was in the ladies’ room talking to a peer who was complaining that one of her employees was still out sick. I vented about one of my people who had really been slacking.

Unbeknownst to us, one of my direct reports was in one of the stalls during our conversation. I wouldn’t have known, except someone stopped me outside the bathroom and I saw her walk out. She saw me see her, and we both did the wide eyed “oh crud” look. I really should know better than to do something so stupid. I am mortified. Nothing has happened yet, as far as I know. The woman who overheard us is a very good employee with whom I have had good rapport. What to do?

Indiscreet

Dear Indiscreet,

Wow. Busted. The old “someone lurking in the bathroom stall” scenario. How painful and embarrassing. The good news is that you will never, ever do that again—I know this from personal experience. The kind of amazing thing is how conscious you are that you made a terrible mistake. A lot of people aren’t aware of the power of their words.

You have a couple of options: (1) Pretend it never happened; or (2) Fall on your sword.

If you go with option 1, you may never know if your employee spilled the beans. Or you may find out the hard way that she did. Either way, it will be hanging over your head. This would stress me out unbelievably, but denial can be a very powerful tool and many avail themselves of it. I wouldn’t judge you.

I do, however, encourage you to consider option 2. Go to the unwitting spy and beg her for forgiveness—and her silence. Explain that you were (carelessly) venting and trying to get your emotions under control so that you could give useful feedback. You will then, of course, be obligated to actually give that feedback to the person you were venting about. But you were going to do that anyway, before you got derailed by this drama, right? In this way, you can clean up your mess and move on.

When I was in coach training there was a great deal of focus on integrity, which included a ban on gossip. Gossip was starkly defined as talking about anyone who wasn’t present in the conversation. One of my friends in the program and I challenged ourselves to take it super seriously and not talk about anyone who wasn’t present for thirty days. It was astonishingly difficult, but it really helped us both to raise the bar for our own professional behavior. This experience will do the same for you.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a manager with a team member who is a manipulator. He uses people to get what he wants, especially if he knows his idea is unacceptable or not within the process. And he finds ways to get even with people who won’t go along. He also has the habit of saying negative things about someone in the team to others.

My dilemma is that I have not witnessed these events firsthand—this information was shared with me by a person who was initially a close friend and colleague of the manipulator. I would normally brush it off since I don’t have any real proof, but deep inside I know what he is doing isn’t right and is unhealthy for the team. What can I do? Did I fail as a leader? Thanks.

What to Do

Dear What To Do,

You haven’t failed yet. This appears to be an ongoing situation—a tricky one. The fact that you see this as your problem is a good sign that you take your leadership role seriously.

It does sound as if you have a bad apple on your team. This kind of underhanded nastiness will erode trust and goodwill faster than just about anything. Here is the thing, though—you aren’t sure whether this behavior is really happening. If you haven’t heard a similar charge from anyone else and haven’t personally witnessed this behavior, it could be hearsay from only one person. How do you know that the person giving you the scoop doesn’t have their own agenda? People who value expedience and are good at getting things done efficiently can be viewed as manipulative by some. The key here is to establish malicious intent by the person whose behavior is in question.

Years ago I worked on a small, high functioning team where we excelled at getting results together. At some point as the company grew, people on our team started getting testy and annoyed with each other. It took us a while to realize that the friction was being caused by a new person who was playing us all against each other. As it turned out, she was doing it all over the company! Apparently she did it for sport; I never understood what she had to gain from it. Fortunately, she didn’t last—our CEO had a zero tolerance policy for drama.

The best way to get feedback is to engage in a 360-degree feedback process—ask your HR group to help you with it. You can also ask for feedback from everyone on the team as you gather information for the alleged manipulator’s performance review.

The biggest effect you can have as a leader is to establish and reinforce the culture of the team. Explain to all direct reports what you expect from the team and what they can expect from you. You are clear in your own mind which behaviors are desirable and which are unacceptable; it’s time to make this information explicit with your team.

Finally, it’s your job to protect your people from a bad employee. Do whatever you can to gather intel and get to the bottom of the situation. If it turns out that the person is really as nasty as he sounds, do not hesitate to release him to be dastardly elsewhere. Your people will appreciate it—and you will never look back.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Accept. Accept a compliment rather than turning it away. Accept love in all its glorious forms. Accept feedback as simple information. Accept the soggy graham cracker. Take what is offered with a smile and a little love in your heart. You are worth it!

Listen. Really listen deeply to what is being said—and to what goes unsaid. Go beyond “How are you?” to actually listen to how your colleagues and friends are doing. It means staying focused on the other person in spite of deadlines, ringing phones, and other interruptions. It also means letting go of what you want to say in return, and letting go of judgment about what you hear. Just open the ears and shut the mouth. That’s it.

Believe in others. Little kids have it right. They BELIEVE. You can too. Believe in the best of others. Believe that your friends, colleagues, and complete strangers can achieve their dreams, have their best life ever, meet the perfect partner, lose the last ten pounds, get the promotion, or simply make a needed change. Your belief, bone deep, that others CAN achieve their goals will help them believe it, too.

Play. My nephew knows the value of play. For him, it means time and interaction with his family. He doesn’t care who wins because he celebrates it all. He doesn’t care if the dishes are done, or the reports are written—and yes, those do need to get done—but he knows it’s important to have some fun, too.  When was the last time you simply played? Coloring, football, Monopoly, or our family favorite, “Guess Who?” Making time to play will bring a smile to your face.

Each of these gifts are rich in value and amazing in how they make us feel. They aren’t hard on the wallet and they don’t require hours of wrapping with paper, tape, and bows.

Let me end with a simple “Thank you for coming” and taking the time to read this blog.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director (eighteen years with the organization) in an old, well established, multinational firm. I have actually worked with a coach who helped me become a better manager and expand my network. My boss—let’s call him Tom—has always been a fan of mine and has helped me to grow and develop. Up until now, that is. A while back, it became apparent that Tom was having an affair with his secretary. It was painfully obvious to everyone, and people were talking about it. He was married, with kids and a golden retriever, and his secretary would literally giggle when she was around him.

At a certain point he was really becoming quite the talk of the town. So, at the end of a one on one with Tom, I told him that he should pay attention to how he and his secretary were behaving because they were headline news on the gossip channel. I thought we were friends and that I was watching his back.

Well, big mistake. First of all, he categorically denied it. That should have been my clue that we were not, in fact, friends. He then proceeded to remove me from all of the strategic meetings he had been sending me to, to take away a couple of direct reports, and finally to give me a crappy performance review that was totally fiction and uncalled for. I know this because I have never received a poor performance review in my entire working life. Worst of all, I wasn’t even considered for a promotion that he had been openly grooming me for.

This all happened over a long period of time. He was so good at masking the truth of what was going on that it actually took me awhile to put two and two together. My attempts to discuss this with him and work it out have met with total stonewalling. But the bottom line—and this is where I am now—is that I have been punished. Severely punished. I am heartsick over the loss of someone I thought was a friend and the unfairness of it all. I will never find a job like this one in my geographical area, I have kids and don’t want to have to move them. Help.     —Trapped

Dear Trapped,

Is there anything worse than doing something with the best of intentions only to have it blow up in your face? Talk about the adage “No good deed goes unpunished.” So let me first say I am so sorry about this situation. It absolutely stinks. You might want to call up that old coach just to have someone to talk to about this and get some support in deciding how you are going to proceed. In the meantime, here are some ideas of ways you could go.

1. You could go to HR and be a whistle blower. It depends a lot on your company’s policies, but an old established company probably has a rule about relationships in the workplace—especially between manager and direct report. At the very least there almost certainly are implicit rules regarding common decency and decorum. Although it is true that nobody likes a rat (refer to last week’s post), in this case you really might have a leg to stand on.
2. Get legal advice. Get some advice from an employment attorney—and getting the scoop on your state laws can’t hurt. You may very well have a case for harassment in the form of retaliation, especially if you had impeccable performance reviews before this happened. Of course, this would initiate a long journey through the legal system that might just end your career—so be very honest with yourself about just how angry you are and to what extent you are willing to go to remedy the unfairness and hurt feelings.
3. Put yourself on the market. Brush up that resume and create a LinkedIn profile. Return those calls you have been getting from headhunters. If nothing else, you will put the intention out there and get a reminder of just how experienced and skilled you are. You say there is no way you will get another job—but you don’t really know that for sure.
4. Keep your head down and wait it out. I have heard this story before, and I can guarantee this is not going to end well for Tom. So, you could focus on getting your work done, developing your people, and creating relationships with as many people in the organization as possible, and just ride out the soap opera. Take some classes to brush up your skills. Don’t forget about your career aspirations; just put them on the back burner for now.

Finally—and you probably really don’t need to hear this—I feel obligated to underline something here, if only for my readers. When you like someone and have an easy, amicable relationship, it is easy to overestimate their level of self awareness and ability to tell the truth about themselves—especially when they are behaving badly. Almost always—and certainly when the person has the ability to make your life a living hell— it is the wiser move to keep your mouth shut even when you have the best of intentions.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Here’s an example. Prior to having my son, my highest priority was excelling professionally. I worked all the time. I devoted 125 percent of my energy to my professional responsibilities. Once my son arrived—season change—his needs became my top priority. My laser focus on my professional career became less intense and fell to a lower position on my priority list.

Fast forward 17 years. My son is now more independent and does not need much from me other than money. I am transitioning into a new season and once more choosing to change my priorities. My outlook on life has changed as well. My focus is now on quality of life, balance, and enjoyment of family and friends.

I have coached many clients around transitions between personal or professional seasons. Some struggle with accepting the priority shifts that accompany these periods of change. Many want to keep an old norm as opposed to creating a new one. Successful transition must begin with recognizing the start of a new season. The next step is to identify and gain clarity on priorities. When you realize a new season is imminent, you can equip yourself to manage new priorities in a manner that will serve you and align with your values and goals.

Below are three ways to recognize you are in, or moving toward, a new season.

Major life events. Any major change to your normal daily routine—such as graduating from school, marriage, the birth of a child, divorce, a new job, or caring for an elderly parent—is a clear signal. These life events will automatically cause a change in priorities and create a new norm.

A feeling of imbalance, lack of motivation, or low energy. Any of these may be an indication that you are stepping into a new season and a change of some kind is taking place. For example, if you lack motivation and commitment in your current role, it could be a sign that your new priority is to be proactive with your manager in expanding your role. The new season is about you taking control by initiating conversations and exploring how to increase your commitment and satisfaction on the job.

A shift in perspective. A conscious decision is made to take a different approach—for example, deciding to focus on helping others achieve professional growth rather than on your own professional climb up the corporate ladder. The new season is about you accepting your level of success in order to support others.

Change is an inevitable part of life. Recognize when you are stepping toward, or maybe already in, a new season. Take some time to reflect on the new priorities and behaviors that will best serve you now—and create your new norm.

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at my wits’ end. I worked hard in college and graduate school and have what some people might call a “Type A” personality. I take on a lot, I work really hard and I complete my work by the agreed-upon deadline.

For the past few years I have been working for a huge organization with a great reputation—but I realized quickly it has a culture of non-accountability.

This didn’t bother me much until recently, when I was promoted to be a department head. I have inherited several folks who clearly have been getting away with less than standard performance for some time. I really do not have the option to clean house—I am going to have to make do. Help!  —Making Do

Dear Making Do,

This is definitely a tough one, but there is an opportunity here. If you play your cards right, you could earn yourself a reputation as a leader who can turn a department around.

The first thing to remember is this: horrified though you may be to have inherited a whole staff of people you didn’t choose, neither did your new staff choose you. Imagine what it must be like for them to have yet another new boss, someone they know nothing about, who is coming in to crack the whip. They will absolutely sense your disapproval and will respond by proving you justified in your negative assessment. No one wants to be judged a slacker—and even if you try to cover it up by being nice, people will think you believe you’re better than they are.

So first things first. Take a big deep breath and keep an open mind. Put aside the hearsay about this group’s previous performance and make it your business to get to know these people and find their best so you can leverage it. The most important thing you can do is learn each person’s strengths and interests and then figure out how you can make the best of the situation you are all in.

To understand your people and get them moving forward in a positive way, start by having everyone in the department take the VIA strengths assessment. It is free and easy to complete. Once everyone—including you—has completed the survey, ask each person to craft a self-introduction with personal stories that show up each of their top strengths. You can share one or two at each staff meeting. You might also be interested in having each person complete the StrengthsFinder 2.0 survey—but this one has a charge, so you would need to have the budget for it. Focus on what is best in each person and also what is already working well, and then you can tackle the other stuff.

The next step is for you to create an environment in which your people will get to know you, be inspired by you, and sign up to follow you. The best tool to do this is the Leadership Point of View (LPoV). You can find complete instructions on how to create your LPoV here. An LPoV is essentially a statement of your beliefs and values around leading others. It helps to paint the picture of the future where there is consistency between your values, your words, and your actions. It is ultimately a course on you that teaches people what you expect from yourself and from them. To create your LPoV, think about these things:

• What drives you as a leader?
• Who are the key people who have influenced you? They can be real people, like your Uncle Pat who was the first in the family to go to college, or they can be fictional. For example, I was deeply moved and inspired by the protagonist of To Kill a Mockingbird because he stood up for someone who was unfairly accused and was willing to put himself and his family in danger to do the right thing.
• What are the events in your life that shaped you and your attitudes?
• What do you believe about what a leader’s job is?
• What are your leadership values? Which value is most important to you?

Boss watching is a hobby of just about anyone who has a boss. People are always trying to figure out what their boss is really thinking and what their boss really wants. Most bosses keep people guessing. Make it easy for your people to understand you by being explicit about what they can expect from you and what you expect from them. You probably think these things are obvious, but they are not—and in the absence of clear expectations, people will make things up about you. In the worst case scenario, they will continually test you to see what they can get away with. So, if you want people to be on time, tell them. If you expect people to meet their deadlines or to come to you early in the process to explain what will keep them from meeting their deadlines, tell them.

A caveat about sharing your LPoV: you must give your people permission to call you out on it if they experience behavior that is not consistent with your LPoV.

Your people will certainly be interested in your LPoV, and may be surprised by it. Their knowing your LPoV will increase the chances that they will trust you, follow you, and give you their best. People want to do good work and make their bosses happy. The more clear and consistent you are up front, the more successful your connection will be with your people.

Your best option with this new group of folks is to hold yourself to a high standard of leadership. This shouldn’t be a stretch for you, since you are already a hard worker. You can win them over and be role model for higher standards all round. Instead of bemoaning your fate, rise to the occasion! Good luck.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Drawing on research from Blanchard senior consulting partner Susan Fowler, the two Blanchards explain that a better approach involves looking for ways to connect a task or goal to something deeper and more meaningful. This requires some introspection, as each person comes to work with a different set of values and beliefs and a different set of personal drivers that are unique to them.

And while there are some common factors like Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence—which are important needs for everyone—more subtle factors, such as Self-Regulation, Personal Values, and Mindfulness also come into play. The more you understand what is important to you and how you react to different motivators, the better able you are to understand how others might react.

Six Action Steps

For leaders ready to get started, the Blanchards point to six action steps from Fowler’s new book, Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work … And What Does. 

• Encourage autonomy (perception of choice)
• Deepen relatedness (quality of relationships, meaning and purpose)
• Develop people’s competence (sense of growing and learning)
• Promote mindfulness (capacity to see new options)
• Align with values (including personal values, not just the organization’s)
• Connect to a noble purpose (both personal and the organization’s)

Then they pose an important question—to what degree are a leader’s needs being met in each of these six areas—and to what degree are leaders helping others?  You can learn more about the leader’s role in identifying motivators, avoiding common motivational mistakes, and how six different motivational outlooks play out at work by reading the complete article, Check Your Motivation to Lead in the Spring 2015 issue of Training Industry Magazine.

The article summarizes some of the key takeaways from the book, and shares important concepts for individuals and leaders to consider when evaluating their own motivation—or when they are trying to help others with theirs.

1. Recognize that each of us is already motivated—it just the quality of our motivation that might be a problem. Some forms of motivation are sustainable, satisfying, and promote well-being while others don’t.  Fowler explains that leaders need to ask why people are motivated to do what’s been asked of them.  Otherwise we end up with well known examples such as the young student who hates law school because of the pressure his parents put on him to succeed.
2. Encourage autonomy. Give people options.  Even when you are discussing deadlines, frame them as useful information for achieving important goals rather than hammers for applying pressure.
3. Deepen relatedness. Appreciate the vital role emotions and feelings play in creating connection.
4. Develop people’s competence. At the end of the day, it’s not just about what a person accomplishes; it’s also about how they are growing.
5. Promote mindfulness. Prompt awareness of options a person may not have considered. Ask open ended questions to help individuals rise above old, unhelpful patterns of behavior.
6. Align with values. Help others align their work to meaningful values that generate positive energy, vitality, and sense of well-being.
7. Connect to purpose. Few things in life are more powerful than acting from a noble purpose.

You can read the entire Costco Connection article here.  For more information on Fowler’s new book—including a free chapter download—visit the Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work … And What Does book page.

But as Edmonds points out, “Culture is the engine—it drives everything that happens in an organization each day.”

In working with organizations for more than twenty-five years, Edmonds focuses on three key activities: Define, Align, and Refine. By focusing in these three areas, Edmonds has helped senior leaders clarify their organizational purpose, values, strategies, and goals, and along the way taught leaders throughout the entire organization how to build engaging, inspiring workplaces.

DEFINING YOUR PURPOSE, VALUES, STRATEGIES, AND GOALS

According to Edmonds, a strong culture begins with rules for citizenship, values, and teamwork. One tool that Edmonds recommends is the creation of an organizational constitution.

As Edmonds explains, “An organizational constitution outlines your team’s purpose, values, strategies, and goals. It paints a vivid picture of success, values, and behaviors. It maps out how to work from that picture each day. An organizational constitution gives employees’ jobs and roles meaning and clarity. Through their organizational constitution, leaders make expectations explicit and describe what a good job and a good citizen look like in specific, tangible, observable terms.” 

ALIGN LEADER BEHAVIORS FIRST

Once your organizational constitution is written and shared, leaders need to live by it, lead by it, and manage to it.

“In some ways you are formalizing rules about being nice,” says Edmonds. “And while people might laugh, this second step helps you get more intentional about the way you want people treating each other. And that is critically important when you are asking people to hold themselves to a higher standard. Anytime you change the rules, people are going to want to see if the leaders are living and embodying the values. As a leader you’re going to be put under great scrutiny. So the first thing is to take a look at yourself and what the values are that guide you. Get clear on what you are trying to do as a leader.” 

REFINE AND ADJUST AS NECESSARY

It’s also important to remember that culture is not a one-and-done type of initiative. Culture is constantly evolving based on the actions and experiences occurring throughout the organization on a daily, weekly, and yearly basis. Without constant attention and tending, it is possible for even the best companies to lose some of the magic that made them special in the first place.

Edmonds points to Starbucks and its founder Howard Schultz as a case of a good company and a good CEO stepping in and taking proactive steps when they notice things slipping.

In 2008, when Howard Schultz stepped back into an active management role with Starbucks, a lot of customers—and certainly a lot of analysts—would have told you that the company had lost its way and needed to begin an immediate cost-cutting program to get the company back on track. But that wasn’t Schultz’s plan. Instead he decided to refocus on the company’s values and culture.

As Schultz explained in a Harvard Business Review article at the time, “I shut our stores for three and a half hours of retraining. People said, “How much is that going to cost?” I had shareholders calling me and saying, “Are you out of your mind?” I said, “I’m doing the right thing. We are retraining our people because we have forgotten what we stand for, and that is the pursuit of an unequivocal, absolute commitment to quality.”

Edmonds says that Schultz “stopped the Starbucks world” and did a reset, a return to the beliefs and values that made your local Starbucks a friendly, inviting place.

DON’T LEAVE CULTURE TO CHANCE 

Edmonds always finds it interesting when people look at companies like Starbucks (or Zappos) and think they were just started that way and it was a weird kind of lucky business. In Edmonds’ experience the best companies get really clear on the performance they want. And then they get really clear on the citizenship values and behaviors that they want—and they measure and monitor both extensively.

You can learn more about Edmonds approach to improving your company’s culture in the December issue of Blanchard’s Ignite newsletter.  Also be sure to check out a free webinar Edmonds is conducting on December 18, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

In Edmonds’ experience, leaders—especially senior leaders at the highest levels in organizations, are often disconnected from their company’s culture as experienced by the rank and file members of the organization.

Wondering if you might be out of touch with what is happening in your organization?  Here are four questions to ask yourself to make sure that you are getting an accurate read of what is happening inside your company.

1. Are you overly insulated? Over time, leaders unintentionally find themselves depending on a select group of people closest to them at the top of the organization to give them information about what is happening throughout all the different layers of the organization.  Edmonds’ suggestion?  Increase the number of your sources inside the company. Get out of the office to learn from different people throughout the organization to ensure you’re getting a bigger, more accurate picture.
2. Are you genuinely connecting with others? Employees know which leaders are truly interested in them as people, not just in them as contributors or “cogs in a wheel.” Edmonds recommends that leaders connect at a personal level.  Engage in conversations beyond business.  Over time, these genuine connections will enable others to tell you their perceptions, concerns, and hopes.
3. Do you have truth-tellers? It is all too common for leaders to surround themselves with people who reinforce the leader’s current beliefs and perceptions. However, the most effective leaders also have truth-tellers included in their inner circle—people who aren’t afraid of sharing their perceptions of the reality of the leader’s plans, decisions, and actions. Knowing more people’s truths can help make the leader’s future decisions more effective.
4. Have you checked your assumptions lately? Edmonds recommends that leaders check their assumptions on a regular basis by sharing them with team members. Listen without defending and continue to refine your assumptions, plans, decisions, and actions.

Creating an uplifting and engaging culture begins by identifying where you are at and where you can improve.  The key is accurate information!

To learn more about ways to accurately identify and improve your corporate culture be sure to check out The Culture Engine microsite.  You can download a free chapter of Edmonds’ new book and see some of the additional questions he recommends for assessing your organization.  For a more in-depth look at the topic, join Edmonds and Weaving Influence host Becky Robinson for a free October 1 webinar on Driving Results With An Organizational Constitution

 “The need to live is our physical need for such things as food, clothing, shelter, economical well-being, health. The need to love is our social need to relate to other people, to belong, to love and to be loved. The need to learn is our mental need to develop and to grow. And the need to leave a legacy is our spiritual need to have a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence, and contribution.”
—Stephen R. Covey

The “L” word—the BIG one—is legacy, the story of you and your imprint upon the world. It’s been a repeated topic of conversation in my spheres lately, as it should be in yours. Visioning is central to the success of organizations, teams, leaders, and individual contributors because it creates a dialogue around the meaning and value behind the work that we do. Your legacy extends far beyond your career into your personal and professional relationships; your family or community involvement and recreational activities; and in your moment-to-moment everyday experiences. What kind of legacy are you building, and where do you even begin? Covey reminds us that life is short, so ask yourself:

• What makes life worth living? What’s missing?
• What do I need to learn? To unlearn?
• How will I be remembered?
• What do I dream of?

These are big questions—Give yourself time to develop honest and deeply rooted answers.  It can be tempting to dismiss dreams as unattainable or impractical, but dreams stem from a place within each of us that British philosopher, Alan Watts, calls “the deep, down, basic, whatever there is.” In this inspirational video, Watts talks about the human need to feel significant and connected to something greater than ourselves:

There is nothing trivial about finding and giving voice to your purpose in life and however you frame the concept of legacy, the story is yours to write. In another moving video, The Real You, Watts talks about the idea of waking up and finding out who you are. An individual’s sense of self is a complex, idiosyncratic, and exquisite answer to the venerable question: Who AM I?
Before you can build a meaningful legacy, you first need to have a clear picture of who you are and what gives value and purpose to your life. Because your identity defines how you see yourself belonging in the world and relating to others, it is fundamental to creating your vision, living your dreams, and leading others to do the same. In Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the peak is self-actualization—the human need for self-fulfillment and striving to achieve one’s highest potential. This is a process of continual learning so you can always seek new ways of infusing energy and creativity into your everyday events.

Self-development is profound work but it doesn’t need to be intense. A variation of Covey’s four basic needs overlays learning with laughter because we can’t be serious all the time. That’s also why one of the founding principles of The Ken Blanchard Companies is to have fun! On your journey of life, never forget the gift of child-like wonder—not in the sense of immaturity or naivety, but rather of being curious and light-hearted along the way. As you think about who you are and most importantly the unique story you are leading, remember that life is short. Keep the “L” word always in mind.

About the Author:
Sarah is a Professional Services Intern at The Ken Blanchard Companies. She is also pursuing a Ph.D. in Consulting Psychology and her research is based on mindfulness. You can reach her at sarah.maxwell@kenblanchard.com.

–Dorothy Corkville Briggs

Becoming the person we want to be is a gradual process. We learn and grow line upon line. Here is a three-step process that can help you on your journey to become the person you desire to be.

Step 1: Have a clear vision of who you want to become

The process starts by having a clear picture of who we want to be. Each of us has been given a script to play based on a combination of our genetics (what we inherited) the way we were raised, and our current environment. We can either live out those scripts, or we can choose to write and act out our own new script. (See last month’s post for a process on writing out a new script for your life.) Whose script are you acting out?

Step 2: Start each week with reflection and planning

Before the week begins, sit down and review each role in your life. For each and every role, reread your aspirational statement. (See last month’s post for more on this.)  Now ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you closer to becoming the person you want to become in that role?
• What went well last week?
• What would you like to do better this week?
• What is the most important thing you can do this week to become the person you desire to be?

The answer to the last question can be a specific action such as taking a loved one to dinner, or it might be an area to focus on such as, “listen better.”

Step 3: Forgive ourselves when we are not perfect

I love the wisdom of Mr. Rogers. He once said:

“Some days, dong the ‘best we can’ may still fall short of what we would like to be able to do, but life isn’t perfect – on any front – and doing what we can with what we have is the most we should expect of ourselves or anyone else.”

~Fred Rogers

Remember that this is a journey. There will be moments when you fall short of your goal. When you do, remember to forgive yourself and recognize the progress you have made over time. Are you closer today than you were last year to being the father or mother, husband or wife, manager or employee, you want to become? If you can answer, “YES” to that question, you are on the right path.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and/or questions.

About the author

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance, productivity, and self-leadership.

A common leadership challenge I hear in our workshops is: “How do I lead when I don’t have authority?”

Even when we do have formal authority, we often need to influence up and across the organization. But should we use our authority to coerce others to do what we want or need them to do? I believe the answer is a resounding no, except in two situations:

1. In a crisis or emergency—there is no time to influence right now.
2. As a last resort—when you have tried everything to influence, it isn’t working, and “no” is not an option.

Think about those times when your boss used position power to get you to do something. How did you respond? How did it make you feel?

Having autonomy—a feeling of choice—is critical to motivation. When we use position power to get something done, we remove the other person’s sense of autonomy. We may or may not get compliance, but we rarely get commitment.

One key way to influence, whether or not you have authority, is to develop personal power with those you need to influence. Personal power is a product of the trust and respect others have for you based on your actions toward them. The more personal power you have in a relationship, the easier it is to influence. Think of people you truly trust and respect. When they ask you to do something for them, you rarely think twice about it—you just do it.

Four key behaviors can help build your personal power with others:

1. Take the time to truly listen—and listen to understand (see my prior post on What Does It Mean to Truly Listen?).
2. Be authentic—make sure your actions align with your stated values.
3. Treat everyone with respect—not just those you want to influence, but everyone you interact with.
4. Keep commitments—develop a reputation for follow-through.

When you need to influence without authority—or even with it—remember the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“What you are shouts so loud in my ears I cannot hear what you say.”

What other thoughts do you have about influencing without authority?

About the author

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.

My previous blog challenged you to complete five common statements related to motivation. It wasn’t much of a challenge. These beliefs are so deeply embedded in our collective psyche that they roll off the tongue. What is a challenge is to let go and replace these statements with beliefs that promote an optimally motivating workplace.

In Part 1, we flipped the first statement: It’s not personal, it is just business, became If it is business, it must be personal.

In this post we explore the second eroding belief: The purpose of business is to make money (a profit).

We will explore the other statements in upcoming posts.

• We need to hold people ___________.
• The only thing that really matters is _______.
• If you cannot measure it, it _________ ________.

Your Beliefs Determine the Way You Lead

When you hold the belief that money is the purpose of business you are likely to over-emphasize results. You are apt to resort to pressure to motivate people to get those results. You may be tempted to employ questionable ethical practices. When given a choice, you might choose quantity over quality, short-term results over long-term results, and profits over people.

Consider how an alternative belief would generate a different approach to your leadership. How would your decisions and actions be different with the following statement?

The purpose of business is to serve.

Think how this reframed belief might alter your organization’s dashboard metrics—or at least the content and quality of the goals. How might reframing goals so they focus on internal as well as external service, quality of people’s efforts as well as the results of their efforts, or celebrating learning and growth in addition to accomplishments, change the way you lead day-to-day?

Hard-nosed businesspeople will push back on these ideas with a traditional argument, “You can serve all you want, but this soft stuff doesn’t make you money and if you don’t make a profit you will go out of business. Then you won’t be serving anyone.”

It is true that a business must make a profit to sustain itself. But it is an illogical leap to conclude that profit is therefore the purpose of business. You need air to live, plus water and food. But the purpose of your life is not to just breathe, eat, and drink. Your purpose is richer and more profound than basic survival. And the more noble your purpose and developed your values are, the more they influence how you live day-to-day. When you believe that the purpose of business is to serve, you lead differently. Your decisions and actions are more likely to cultivate a workplace that supports people’s optimal motivation.

The nature of human motivation is not in making money. It is in making meaning.

Ken Blanchard says, “Profit is the applause you receive for serving your customers’ needs.” I would add “and your people’s needs.” Research conducted by The Ken Blanchard Companies found definitive evidence that organizational vitality measured by ROI, earnings by share, access to venture capital, stock price, debt load and other financial indicators, is dependent on two factors: customer devotion and employee work passion[1]. It does not work the other way around—organizational vitality is not what determines customer devotion or employee work passion.

Leaders who focus on serving their customers’ needs and satisfying their people’s psychological needs will enjoy organizational vitality. The old sports analogy works equally well in business: Focusing on money and profit is like playing the game with your eye on the scoreboard instead of the ball. In business, service is the game you are playing. Keeping your eye focused on customer service and people development will result in scoring—both to the bottom line and in other more meaningful ways that sustain high performance over time.

Try this for the next month: Challenge the notion that the purpose of business is to make money. Try changing that outdated traditional belief to an Optimal Motivation belief: “The purpose of business is to serve—both your customers and your people. Money is a by-product of doing both of these things well.”

Watch how your people respond to your changed belief. Then notice the results and accept the well-earned applause.

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About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop. Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

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• Part of the reason is that culture is hard to define in most organizations. It operates in the background while other, easier-to-measure aspects of corporate performance—like goals and tasks, preoccupy leadership discussions.
• Senior executives greatly underestimate the power of an organizational culture plus very few leaders have ever had any real experience in dealing with culture change.

For executives who know that their organization’s culture is not what it could be, Edmonds and Glaser recommend taking a three-step approach:

1. Examine the existing culture—look at the underlying beliefs and assumptions that are influencing people’s existing behavior. Especially look at getting senior leaders to examine their own personal beliefs about getting things done in the organization.
2. Define the desired behavior—don’t assume that everyone agrees what good behavior looks like.  Take the time to formally define values in behavioral terms. Gather input from employees and boil it down into clear, actionable items.
3. Hold people accountable for living the stated values—once the values and behaviors have been identified and defined, the final step to creating a culture that works is holding people accountable

A strong, working culture helps to create satisfied employees who feel cared for, trusted, and respected, which increases engagement and ultimately leads to better productivity. To read the entire article, click here.