Dear Madeleine,

I have owned a boutique specialty consulting firm for over twenty-five years. My founding partner died a few years ago and left me her share of the business, so I am the sole owner.

I am working with a broker to find the right buyer for the business. I don’t expect to get much for it, but we do have a small, dedicated clientele, a stellar reputation, and very little competition, so it should set me up with a reasonable retirement.

My problem is that I am being heavily pressured by an employee to include her in the proceeds of the sale. She started as our receptionist/administrative assistant and worked her way to being our office manager. She keeps dropping hints that she expects a share.

Over the years, she often asked to become a partner in the business but could not contribute investment funds—and, honestly, never brought enough value for us to seriously consider it. In fact, she has not been that great an employee. She has often taken leave for health reasons she declined to disclose and never presented doctor’s notes. She has had multiple dramas—a spouse with a serious gambling problem and wayward children who seem to need endless bailing out of one problem or another. She seems to be cursed with terrible cars that break down even when brand new. There is always an excuse for lateness, and poor task completion.

We provided her with many opportunities over the years to take on more responsibility (marketing or accounting duties, for example), but she always dodged them, claiming to be overwhelmed with her existing workload. Our attempts to gain clarity on said workload were met with stonewalling or diversions.

My partner and I often talked about letting her go and finding someone more reliable who might one day be a likely partner, but we always felt a little sorry for her. To complicate matters further, I really like her as a person—she is funny and fun and has a big heart.

I am simply not inclined to turn over a big chunk of cash when the business is sold, and I don’t know how to tell her. I am afraid she will quit and badmouth me all over town or even sabotage me in some way. I have asked a lot of smart people for their take but am on the fence about this. What are your thoughts?

Over a Barrel

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Dear Over a Barrel,

Here is a principle I learned from our family business consultant, the Wharton Professor John Eldred: All relationships with employees start out as contractual and over time inevitably become emotional—especially for people who are relationship-oriented, which you undoubtedly are. I have had about twenty years to observe this principle play out in our own company and with many friends who have founded small businesses and many clients who work in even the largest of organizations. So, please forgive me in advance for what is going to sound cynical.

Your office manager (OM), who is clearly appealing enough to have made you override your rational assessment of countless breaches of trust, is manipulating you. She may or may not be aware of it, and ultimately it doesn’t really matter. There is a strong bond between the two of you, and you may even love her when it comes down to it. You know that she almost certainly needs the money. It is these feelings that are clouding your reason.

But here is the thing, Over a Barrel—unless your OM does something that adds an extraordinary amount of value in the last chapter of your consultancy (for example, she brings in the right buyer or prepares a compelling presentation deck that you couldn’t have done yourself), it doesn’t sound like you owe her anything other than a fair severance package. It doesn’t even sound like you could in good conscience provide her with a glowing recommendation, though I suspect you would if a potential employer were to call you.

The hinting is not acceptable, and you do not have to take the bait. Just smile when she does it—but don’t nod your head. She is poking you to find out what she can expect when you do sell, and the only thing you are responsible for is making sure she knows she will no longer have a job once you have sold. If you figure out how you want to handle severance pay, you can certainly share what she can expect. If you tell the truth about what you have already decided and properly manage her expectations, you are behaving ethically. Once the deal is done, you are certainly at liberty to give her whatever feels right to you.

If you spill the truth in advance, whatever bad behavior you anticipate will probably happen regardless of what you choose to do. From the sound of things, OM blames everyone but herself for anything in her life that goes awry. Whatever you do choose to give her won’t be enough. But again, anyone who knows the two of you will pay no heed to any bad-mouthing she does—because based on what you have said, I guarantee she has no credibility.

In The Power of Ethical Management, the book Ken Blanchard wrote with Norman Vincent Peale, they outline what they call “the ethics check.” It consists of three questions you can ask yourself to make sure you can live with your decision:

1. Is it legal?
2. Is it fair?
3. How will it make you feel about yourself?

In your case, employment laws where your business is based will dictate what is owed to employees when you sell or close your business. Then, based on your OM’s contribution to your success, what feels fair to you? And finally, how will you feel if you give in to the manipulation—resentful, perhaps? Or if you go scorched earth and share none of the bounty—guilty, perhaps? If people around town hear how you behaved, will you be able to hold your head high?

I wonder what the smart people you consulted advised. Presumably they have more insight into the situation, and I can only assume that they all think OM has been taking advantage of your good nature from the get-go.

Good luck with finding a buyer, and when the time comes, happy retirement!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I’m dealing with a very weird situation. I’m on a large cross-functional team made up of leads and managers. Our leader is the new EVP of operational excellence. He seems to really like some of the members of the team and really dislike others. He regularly forgets to include the people he dislikes in critical meetings and decisions. He makes snarky remarks when someone he dislikes floats an idea, only to compliment the next person who says practically the same thing.

He has created a division between the liked people and the disliked people. It is subtle, and I’m not sure I would have noticed it if one of my best friends at work wasn’t on team reject. When she pointed it out, I couldn’t unsee it. I feel lucky to find myself in the in-group, but can also see how the situation is headed for disaster.

I lead teams myself and can’t understand what this new guy is up to, why he is doing this, or how he hopes to succeed. He also does other things that make no sense, but this particular thing is the worst of it.

What would you do in this situation? I am at a total loss.

So Confused

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Dear So Confused,

Getting operational excellence right is hard enough without shenanigans like this. One trait of a toxic leader is to play favorites. It destabilizes teams by destroying trust. There is a good chance your new EVP is totally unconscious of what he is doing and the effect it is having. In my opinion, this is the behavior of someone who needs to have power over others and achieves it by keeping people nervous and jumpy. If he bullies some people and not others, it automatically creates a reflex in the not-bullied group to stay on his good side, and slowly silences everyone.

 It sounds like this person is not your direct boss, nor the boss of your friend who has been relegated to the out-group, so it may not affect your performance review if this cross-functional team doesn’t accomplish anything. But that may not be true for your friend.

You have a few choices here, but none of them are attractive.

You can do nothing, which will inevitably impact the relationship with your friend.

You can get together with your friend and brainstorm what the two of you could do to change the situation. You might consider recruiting a few more team members from both the in-group and the out-group to engineer some kind of revolt. If you could manage to pull the whole team together, you could include HR to conduct an intervention of sorts. It would only work if the entire team was on board and unanimously demanded that everyone on the team be treated with respect.

You might consider going to the EVP and pointing out what you are observing—but that could be a career-ending move. People who need to have power over others usually aren’t keen to get feedback from anyone, especially not from someone they see as a subordinate. It depends on how much power he has and what kind of trust he has built with his peers and his superiors. Along those lines, you might practice standing up for people he is snarky with—but again, it’s possible all that will accomplish is to get yourself relegated to “team reject,” as you call it.

Look at the situation from all angles with as many of your team members as you trust. If a majority of the team agrees to stick together, you might have a chance to shift the ugly behavior. At the very least, you can probably ensure that nothing gets done, and let it reflect badly on the EVP. Does it appear that I’m condoning subversive behavior? I guess I am, because if people don’t stand up for themselves and each other, leaders like your EVP end up getting promoted and wreaking more havoc from an even stronger position.

Document every incident you remember and start keeping a running log of unacceptable behavior moving forward. This way, you will have a leg to stand on should the situation escalate. It would probably be up to your friend to take this whole mess to HR and to her boss. You might also mention the situation to your own boss, if you trust them.

The more you can get the team to stick together, the better chance you have of getting the EVP to change—or better yet, getting him removed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am in a quandary. It may sound dumb to you, but I am interested to hear your thoughts.

I am in my mid-twenties and have been blessed with what seems to be almost incredible luck. I am smart enough, and came wired with a lot of stamina, a strong work ethic, a sunny outlook, and an ability to get along with almost anyone.

I am half Puerto Rican, but most people automatically think I am white. I have the advantage of being a minority when it serves me, but haven’t suffered from discrimination other than the kind that comes with being female—and, to tell the truth, even that hasn’t held me back. I grew up with two very decent parents, surrounded by lots of family, and went to an adequate public school where I got a good education. I was able to take advantage of affirmative action to get myself into a top college with solid financial aid and a work study job I liked. I got into an excellent grad school program, also with financial aid.

Now I have a job I love with a boss who cares about me in an organization that I respect. I have groups of friends whom I love and who love me.

What’s the problem, you’re wondering? Well—there isn’t one. I feel like everyone I meet that is my age has problems—childhood trauma, discrimination, mental illness, terrible parents, bullying—the list goes on and on. I feel boring. I wonder what I did to deserve so much luck. I am actually beginning to think it is going to run out at some point, and I’m waiting for that shoe to drop.

Don’t get me wrong, I have worked very hard and have had to overcome some challenges. It hasn’t all been easy. Do you think I’m nuts to worry?

Just Lucky

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Dear Just Lucky,

You’re not nuts. But you need to cut it out, mainly because worrying never helped anyone or anything. Stop worrying before it becomes a habit and you are as anxious and/or depressed as everyone around you. You came into this life with everything you needed to make the best of it, and you have done exactly that. You have indeed been lucky.

What did you do to deserve so much luck? Well, that’s one of the great existential questions, isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to terrible people? How does who deserves what get decided? Entire disciplines are devoted to answering those questions—philosophy, religious studies, all of the arts. I have come close to formulating answers for myself, but I don’t think my answers are what you are looking for. In fact, I don’t think anyone can answer them for you, and I would recommend that you run away from anyone who claims to have the answers. At the risk of offending those who are certain of “The Truth,” I encourage you to be suspicious of anyone who professes to know it.

There might be some value in examining the language in play here. What does it even mean to “have luck”? Or to “be lucky”? Research shows it is definitely good fortune to come into the world with kind and happy parents, but you and I both know that plenty of people do not see the value in that good fortune. And plenty of people who are born into disastrous circumstances find ways to rise above them. One might say lucky people cultivate a particular skill in noticing and then taking advantage of opportunities. And lucky people work hard to be prepared for the moment opportunity presents itself. And lucky people use good judgment about whom they take advice from. I suspect you have done all of the above.

You can also examine what it means to “deserve.” The most common usage expresses that someone has earned or been given something because of something they have done or because they have certain qualities. This usage implies that the world is fair, and we all know that isn’t true. Another usage implies that to deserve good fortune, one should be worthy of it. This requires that we have a good answer for what it means to be worthy. That, of course, depends entirely on who you ask, so that might be an interesting research project.

In the end, you will have to decide what it means to you. What would it mean to be worthy of your good fortune? I have spent most of my adult life defining that for myself, and am happy to share it with you, even as I caution you to simply add it to all the answers you get in your quest and come to your own conclusion.

In my opinion, to be worthy means to put a great deal of thought into how one can be a contribution to the world, to leave every interaction or situation the better for you having been a part of it. It is that simple, and of course, on many days, that difficult.

One person who has interesting and useful things to say about how “lucky” people are a force for good in the world is Jennifer Brown. Her body of work focuses on how those with privilege can advocate for and be allies of people who have less of it. This can be a wonderful way to share one’s good fortune. But let me be clear, this is not to imply obligation. Succumbing to others’ ideas of how you should go about being worthy is a recipe for disaster.

Another source of good sense to tap is the work of Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, Ruiz offers a code of conduct that is hard to argue with:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Don’t take anything personally.
• Don’t make assumptions.
• Always do your best.

Simple, right? But, given our confounding human nature, not always easy. I have been testing these four practices since the book was published in 1997 and they have never steered me wrong.

Your luck is not going to run out, JL. Lucky doesn’t mean that you get to avoid difficulty and problems. Lucky means that when difficulty and problems crop up, you will face them with your stamina, your work ethic, and your sunny outlook and you will be able enlist help from people who care about you. Will difficult things happen that are outside of your control? Undoubtedly. That is just life. But you will figure out the best way to respond when those things happen, because that’s just who you are, and nothing will change that. Don’t go looking for problems because you feel boring. You aren’t boring. You have entirely too much zest for life to be boring. Plenty of problems will come your way naturally, and when they do, you will be prepared.

You are asking the right questions, JL. Keep asking, keep searching, talk to people you respect and admire, find your own answers, and enjoy the heck out of being you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a giant real estate company and have been selling houses in a big metropolitan city for a long time. Over the years, I’ve been heavily recruited and this is my third company. I never wanted to be in management as I really like working with clients. I’ve had terrible managers, decent managers, and everything in between.

My company has always received a percentage of the commission, which is standard. Recently the company made a change—and now my manager will be getting a small percentage of the commission on everything I sell. It is hard to say this without sounding like a jerk, but I do very well and my manager stands to make a substantial amount from this arrangement.

I guess I wouldn’t mind, except I’ve been doing this for a good twenty years longer than she has. Any time I ask my manager for any help at all, she says she is too busy. She either doesn’t respond to emails or she promises to get back to me with answers and then doesn’t. Almost all my questions are related to the inner workings of our organization, publicity budgets, etc. I do all my own research and stay abreast of the changes in local laws, so I learned early not to depend on anyone for that.

I am furious. I’ve done fine on my own for 25 years. Now this little weasel is going to get some of my hard-earned commission for doing exactly nothing. What the heck? I’m certain this change is designed to make managers engage more with their brokers, but it isn’t working.

I was thinking of talking to my manager’s boss (with whom I have a long-standing relationship) but that seems a little whiny. Or I could start looking at other companies that don’t engage in this practice. What do you think?

Working Harder, Making Less

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Dear Working Harder, Making Less,

This sounds awfully frustrating. If your manager added some value you might be able to come around to this change, but as it stands, the anger you feel is likely to grow.

Senior executives are much more likely to want to help when you have already tried to fix a situation yourself, so I think your first line of defense is to have a candid conversation with your manager. It is human nature that when there is more to do than is possible, we pay attention only to the people who insist on it. Most managers are perfectly happy to leave high performers alone to, well, perform.

This would mean insisting on a time to meet, either on the phone or in person, having prepared your request to create a more effective working relationship moving forward. It sounds as if all you’re really asking for is that she answer your questions or reply to your emails with the information you need. Even if this person weren’t making extra money off you, this would be a low bar.

It is fair to explain that you didn’t mind flying solo before having to pay her for her support, but now that you do, you really need her to help you when you ask. Stick to the facts and keep emotion out of it. Be clear, concise, and neutral. Practice beforehand if you need to.

One of these things is likely to happen:

• You can’t even get a meeting scheduled, or
• She disagrees that your requests are fair, or
• She agrees that your requests are fair, makes promises and becomes more responsive for a short period, and then reverts to her old ways.

Following any of these scenarios, you can then escalate and at the very least get the commission sharing decision reversed. Or start looking at alternatives. Only you will know if this is a trend that is happening among other companies—in which case, maybe you can find another company with a more helpful manager.

Of course the hope is that when you share your thoughts, your manager will see your point and change her ways for good. Ideally, you build a relationship, she takes your calls, answers your emails, and generally acts as if she has your back, which may add enough value that you don’t resent sharing a little money with her. This is best-case scenario.

Real estate is a notoriously difficult business. If you have managed to stay in it, build a reputation, and make a lot of money, you must be good at it. You probably are exceptionally good at building relationships with people and helping them to manage all the emotions that are invariably unleashed when selling or buying a home. This is not nothing. It makes sense for you to protect yourself and not let anyone take advantage of your decades of experience.

If you can’t get what you need to stop your resentment from building, you can escalate. If that doesn’t work, you can take your prowess elsewhere.

I am crossing my fingers that just being a squeaky wheel—albeit a kind and polite one—will get you what you need.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently graduated from college and started my first job. The job I was offered was the one I wanted, but on my first day I was moved to a different department and given a job that does not come close to the description of the job I signed up for. The person who hired me is no longer my manager and my new manager has no idea who I am. I show up at team meetings and my manager calls me “Kid,” which I find demeaning. I am fairly sure he does it because he doesn’t know my name.

This all seems unfair to me. I don’t know anyone well enough to try to figure out what is going on. I recently reviewed my employment contract and there isn’t anything in it about what job I would be doing or whom I would report to, so I don’t think I have any recourse legally. I asked my parents, but they are so relieved I have a job, they just tell me to keep my head down and do what I am told.

It just doesn’t seem right to me, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Shunted Around

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Dear Shunted Around,

It probably isn’t fair, and it sounds pretty chaotic. I am sorry that your first job experience seems to have gotten off to such a rocky start. It must feel very disconcerting. I do have some ideas for you.

I agree with your parents, but not with their reason. The job market is hot right now and you would be able to get a different job if you wanted one. I just think it might serve you to give the situation a chance. Take a minute to step back and figure things out, get to know some people, and see if you will be able to make it work. Jumping ship at the very first sign of a challenge means you will never know what you might have missed. Stay and try to get a clear picture of the organization.

Seek to find answers to the following:

• What are the organization’s values? Do they have any, do they try to live by them, and can you align with them?
• Will you be able to use your strengths and find a career path where you are?
• Can you reach out to your new manager and make yourself known to him?
• Can you find people you like and can relate to?
• Are you interested in what the company does—its products and/or services?

Decide how much time you want to give yourself, and then, if you aren’t satisfied with the answers to the questions you have asked, you can start looking for a job.

The one thing I know for sure is that every organization out there is experiencing an unprecedented volume and speed of change. The one you are in is a perfect example of what I see happening everywhere. Political unrest, climate disasters, economic instability, and turbulent social transformation are all forcing leaders of companies to experiment rapidly to be as successful as possible. There is no blueprint available to help them—so if it feels like they are making stuff up as they go, that’s probably exactly what’s happening.

You are not the only one trying to just hang on for what may be a very bumpy ride.

It is entirely possible that your new manager can’t remember your name. He is no doubt just as discombobulated as you are. Our organization has many new people I am scrambling to keep straight, so I can relate. You can choose to take offense at being called “Kid,” or you can revel in the fact that you are so young that it makes sense for someone to call you that. The one thing you have on your side is time, which is a luxury you won’t appreciate until it’s gone. If your manager assumes your work ethic or your intelligence is lacking because of your age, that is a different story. In my experience, the term “Kid” is usually not ill intended. As you get to know your manager, you can respectfully ask that he not use it. But who knows—by then it might feel like a term of endearment.

Try not to fixate too much on fairness, although it is natural to do so. There is so much unfairness in the world and in large, complex systems. Save your ire for those moments when you are being asked to do unethical things or things you don’t know how to do with no training, or when you are seriously underpaid, or when your workload is unreasonable. The chaos and turbulence you are experiencing right now are unfair to everyone in the organization, so it isn’t personal. You aren’t being singled out.

Breathe. Take a step back. Stay open. Try not to worry so much. Just keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Decide on what criteria about the job matters most to you and whether this position can meet them. Experiment with influencing and steering your ship through stormy waters.

You ultimately may decide you do have to leave, but you will have learned so much.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

In the middle of the pandemic, I took a job that I love and am good at. At the time, my boss made it very clear that the job was classified as “remote” and the deal was that I would never need to work in the office. This wasn’t just because everyone was working from home at the time; the job was classified as remote so they could hire the best person regardless of where they were located. It just so happens that I live fairly close to headquarters and presumably could go to the office if I wanted to.

Now that things have eased up, my boss is insisting that I come and work at the office. At every one-on-one meeting, he mentions that he would like to see me in the office. He has no complaints about the quality of my work and has no reason to suspect that I am goofing around instead of working; he just prefers his people to be in the office.

But that wasn’t the deal. I am an introvert, I love working from home, and I have a great rhythm in my workday that doesn’t include a 45-minute commute each way—not to mention the price of gas! I enjoy many of my colleagues and meet them occasionally for coffee or happy hour. Several of them were also originally classified as remote and some do occasionally go into the office because they are super social types who like it.

I feel that there has to be some reasonable way to push back on this constant pressure from my manager, but I don’t know how to do it without harming the relationship. I am now at a point where I am actually feeling bullied and considering looking for another job. Would appreciate any thoughts on this.

Feeling Pressured

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Dear Feeling Pressured,

A lot of managers don’t realize the power they hold or the impact of subtle little remarks. Your manager might be shocked that his nudges are having this effect on you. So if you are serious about possibly leaving, I think you need to come right out with it. You can tell your boss that you are worried about harming your relationship because you really love your job, but that the pressure being exerted on you to come into the office is becoming burdensome.

Before you do that, however, it might be wise to dig up your employment contract and make sure that you are in full command of the fine print. If, in fact, you have it right and there is no indication that your remote status is at risk due to the slow receding of Covid concerns, then you have a contractual agreement to support your position. Hopefully it won’t come to the point where you have to involve HR, but if you are clear about your contract it might highlight the fact that your boss is, perhaps inadvertently, creating a hostile work environment.

As you prepare to open the topic, consider what kind of compromise might work for you. I understand your reflexive reaction that you took the job with the understanding that you wouldn’t have to be in the office, but it might not kill you to meet your boss halfway. Perhaps he wants everyone in the office for specific kinds of meetings. Or maybe he is an extrovert who has trouble bonding with people if he can’t be with them in person. In our own business, I have heard several people who have to come in the office mention that they are lonely.

Asking some questions to really understand what is at the root of your boss’s insistence will help to frame and support your own position. You will want to avoid why questions such as the most obvious and natural one, “Why do you want me to come to the office?” Why questions tend to put people on the defensive. Open-ended questions, on the other hand, help to focus the conversation. For example: 

“What would be different if I were to come into the office?”

“What would I accomplish by coming into the office that I am not already doing?”

“Is there something you would like me to do differently that you haven’t mentioned yet?”

“Are there concerns about the quality of my work that you want to share with me?”

“What would satisfy you, if I were to come in to office?”

It might be hard for your boss to admit that your going into the office once in a while would just make him happy. It might be that simple.

Once you understand what is driving your boss, it might be easier for you to consider a small concession as a peace offering. Maybe you would be willing to show up in person at the office once a month or bi-weekly. You might ask your boss to consider paying for your gas, especially since your salary was negotiated as a remote worker. In California, where I live, gas prices are so insane that they are having a big impact on household budgets.

It will take some courage to pipe up—but really, no manager wants to find out from an exit interview that they lost a good employee over something that could have been avoided. If you aren’t confident about being good on your feet in the moment, practice what you want to say with a friend to get comfortable with your points so your emotions won’t cloud your reasoning or cause you to forget. During the conversation, listen carefully to what your boss says. Maybe even take notes and repeat back what you heard so you are sure you got it right. Take your time and breathe. Remember that, in response to anything, you can always ask to take some time to think about it.

I really hope you will be able to work this out.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

Your advice has been very helpful in the past, so I couldn’t stop myself from writing to you again about a tricky situation.

I have recently taken over the area of learning and development as part of my portfolio. With that came the discussion of a resource with my boss. My boss suggested a name (K) from HR ops team who is interested in L&D.

K is more of a generalist who coordinates internal events and manages onboarding. I talked to K’s current boss. There are some transferable skills but there will be a huge learning curve (like instructional design, empathetic written communication skills, critical thinking) and I am open to invest my time in growing them (K’s preferred pronoun).

From where I sit, I have always viewed K as someone with a fixed mindset in their partnership with my team and someone I would not have hired myself. Also, in my last year and a half, they have never called me by name or even started a written communication by simply saying hello. That being said, we are on respectful terms but have zero interpersonal connection. 

Last week I learned K has big hesitation in reporting to me. I can only guess it is because I had to make some needed changes when I built my team and, in doing so, I parted ways with two of K’s professional friends. With my current team of 12, I am a strong and empathetic manager with a 100% score on my feedback survey. 

I am still confident that if hiring from scratch I would not have hired K. I have a deep understanding of what good looks like for the role and team culture. 

With the organizational changes, if K accepts the job, I am stuck with her. If she doesn’t, I can go outside the org to hire. I am trying to gain insight into my biases and to put my preconceived notions aside to manage K and help them grow, but it is a weird start of relationship when there’s a team member who doesn’t want to report to you. I worry about my current healthy team culture getting disturbed.

What advice do you have for me?

Uncertain 

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Uncertain,

Thanks for the kind words and the trust you are placing in me. I really appreciate it.

When Jim Collins’ Good to Great came out in 2001, I remember thinking how smart, simple, and obvious his advice was to have the right people in the right seats on the bus. What took me a long time to understand is just how tricky that can be. Simple, yes, but not easy. What Collins failed to mention was that his advice also means is getting the wrong people out of seats they are already in and navigating organizational demands to hire from within. The strategy is sound, but the execution requires excellent hiring skills and the freedom to hire as you see fit—not to mention an available talent pool!

Assuming you have the hiring skills, the other two requirements might leave you stuck with K.

So now what?

Congratulations on your efforts to be aware of your own biases; that is a great place to start.

I would caution you against judging a person’s character based on email transactions. Many people aren’t warm and fuzzy over email. Possibly K is not comfortable making strong connections through media and needs to build trust one on one in person. It sounds like you are senior to K, so you never know—it’s possible they think it is appropriate to maintain strong professionalism because of that. You just won’t know until you get a chance to meet in person (even if it is over Zoom).

Your other misgivings are fair, though. And you must honor your own impressions and instincts.

I think your only option is to have the super candid conversation with them. In this conversation you need to assess a couple of things:

1. What are the reasons behind K’s hesitation about reporting to you—and can they be overcome?
2. Will K be ready and willing to give you a chance?
3. Does K really want the job, and why?
4. Is K prepared to throw themselves at the learning curve ahead?

To prepare for each of those topics, you will want to find the sweet spot between Candor and Curiosity. You can check out our Conversational Capacity model here.

The author, Craig Webber, says you should be ready to:

• State your clear position
• Explain the underlying thinking that informs your position
• Test your perspective
• Inquire into the perspective of others

It might sound something like this: “I understand you may have a hesitation about reporting to me and I would like to know more about that. I think it is critical that we get off on the right foot and be able to build trust together. What do you think?”

Or

“What makes you interested in the job? What is it specifically that you hope to learn? How will it be different from the job you are doing, and what makes it attractive to you?”

Or

“If you were to step into the job, the learning curve will be quite steep. Are you prepared to withstand the discomfort of being in learning mode for a while?”

You will want to mostly stick with questions while avoiding “why” questions which tend to put people on the defensive. Your candor and insistence that K be candid with you will tell you everything you need to know about whether or not bringing K onto your team will be a disaster. And if you really think that will be the case, you need to be prepared to tell them that you don’t think they are a good fit for the job. You must have the courage to tell the truth, even if it means taking some time to think about it after the conversation.

Hopefully, if you do that, it will discourage K enough to keep them from taking the job and it will free you up to hire a more appropriate candidate. Of course, if you do that and K still takes the job, you will have to start off with another candid conversation.

On the upside, you may clear up some misunderstandings on both sides and find that the job is just the change K is looking for and they are right for your team. Wouldn’t that be grand?

But taking the leap without the heart-to-heart is non-negotiable. You will so regret it if you don’t.

You have clearly worked very hard to build a high performing team. You must honor your instinct to protect that hard-won accomplishment.

Be kind and tell the truth. Ask the hard questions. If that scares K away, so be it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a talent acquisition leader with a midsize tech company. I built my team from scratch in the past year. We are a high performing team that is greatly appreciated by our stakeholders.

Like many companies out there, ours is seeing the impact of inflation and economic downturn. Many organizations are putting a freeze on hiring. This means, as the TA leader, I soon may have to make selective layoffs on my team.

I went through a similar scenario during the pandemic, but it is different this time around. I am feeling emotionally burdened and wondering where to find my resilience. Our company might take the last-person-first approach when deciding who to lay off. Currently there is no underperformer on my team, even though each person is at a different level in their career.

What advice do you have for people leaders having to navigate this layoff time? Is there a framework that could be helpful? It feels too soon after what we went through as an industry during the pandemic.
Thank you.

Leader Finding Resilience

__________________________________________________________

Dear Leader Finding Resilience,

First, congratulations on building your amazing team. I acknowledge how much it must stink to have to let some of them go, first because it is hot on the heels of your last layoff due to the pandemic and then because it will almost certainly take a toll on your great team, both those who are asked to leave and those who stay. There is no question that everyone will be affected and the careful balance you have achieved will need to be rebuilt. It is a lot.

I have spoken to a few people who have a lot of experience with this (sadly, quite a large community) and have come up with a few ideas for you.

In my initial Googling around I found some potentially useful research: “Developing a framework for responsible downsizing through best fit: the importance of regulatory, procedural, communication and employment responsibilities” by Christopher J. McLachlan. It isn’t a meta study but it does have a solid literature review on the topic of responsible downsizing and, astonishingly, it provides exactly what you asked for: a framework. It hurt my brain a little to digest it, but I think will be worth your while.

The article covers the four areas of responsibility to consider as you think through your plan: regulatory, procedural, communication, and employment. One highlight that stood out, and one of the most critical things to keep in mind, is the importance of procedural, distributive, informational, and interactional justice in the course downsizing:

“… employees and stakeholders are more likely to perceive the process fair if ‘proper’ procedures have been seen to be followed. Heightened perceptions of responsibility amongst employees and stakeholders can be generated if procedural aspects such as selection criteria, transparency and accuracy of information, sufficient compensation policies and employee involvement are seen to be delivered equitably. Subsequently, perceptions of fairness can enhance the motivation and commitment of the post-downsizing workforce.”

You will definitely want to seek guidance from your HR partners to:

1. Formulate the plan according to company procedures and cultural values;
2. Ensure that your people are involved in the process, and
3. Ensure that decision-making criteria are clearly communicated.

As you begin thinking about who stays, who goes, and why, here are a few other things to consider—all from leaders who have recently been through this exact challenge.

• Yes, all of your folks are high performers—as far as you know. If you have not been getting clear feedback from their clients to assess who is demonstrating the most engagement, customer service, and cultural fit, now may be the time to do that. Pick up the phone and call your most active customers to assess their satisfaction level with the service they have been getting.
• First in/ first out is rarely the best way to go. It’s possible that it could work from a procedural fairness standpoint, but it won’t necessarily serve you, your team, or your long-term goals. It might also set a precedent you don’t want when the time comes to rebuild your team to full capacity. I hate to say it, but sometimes the most tenured people with the highest salaries have the lowest amount of flexibility and eagerness to jump in with both feet on new systems and processes, or the willingness to go the extra mile on a Friday afternoon. This is tricky to navigate but it will certainly contribute to every single remaining team member’s desire to stay relevant and add value.
• Consider speaking candidly with each person on the team to assess career goals and dreams. You might have someone who wants to retire and will be okay with going earlier than planned (with a generous severance). Or maybe you have team members who would prefer part-time work, or who would be willing to go part-time for a while as they are busy with a sick family member, or who need to take some time for their own self-care. You’ll never know if a creative compromise could serve both parties until you go looking.

In our company, at the beginning of Covid, every single employee who made over base salary took a 20% salary cut. It was a shared pain for all, but it worked.

• Possibly some of your people might find an opportunity elsewhere in the organization? This is obvious, low-hanging fruit, but an idea anyway.

Ask yourself:

• What skill sets, traits, and attributes are most important to me and to the success of this team? In the end, you want to end up with most capable team. It will depend on your own internal calculations of ROI for each person. This is cold, but true.
• Who are the fast and willing learners who will be better utility players—willing and able to cross train, to widen scope? These will be the ones to keep for the long-term roller coaster. Because it is a solid bet that the turbulence is going to continue.

Once you have formulated your approach and built your communication plan, you will need to be clear and strong. Key points here:

1. Take personal responsibility for all decisions, once made, and stand by them.
2. Don’t waiver. Be brief, kind, and to the point. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into a debate. Just stick to the facts and the next steps. If you need to write out your script, do it.
3. Acknowledge the difficulty, the pain, and the sadness, but don’t dwell on it. Be prepared with tissues if you think they might be needed. I never have them when I need them, so now I keep a stash in my office. Having emotions is just part of being human.

In terms of taking care of yourself, I encourage you to engage in activities that bring you joy. And make sure you get enough rest, proper nutrition, and sleep. Those are the first to go under stress—and, of course, they are what you most need as you face this challenge. Here is an excellent Whitepaper: Building Resilience in Times of Crisis by Melaina Spitzer. It will provide you with more tips and the neuroscience behind them. Ultimately, you will have to step up and do your best with the things you can control and find ways to let go of the things you can’t. The madness and upheaval doesn’t seem to be slowing down, and it is exhausting. Anything you can do to take care of yourself so you can take care of your people will be good.

Thank you for sending in the question and sharing your situation. It is quite common. I hope the conversation will help our readers feel less alone and provide real value.

You are clearly thoughtful and caring. I am confident that you will make the best of these rotten circumstances while building your own resilience and that of your team. That is really all you can do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

Before COVID, I led a high performing, intact team. There are twelve of us and we all used to work in one office. I hired three new people just as the stay-at-home order was instituted, and I worked hard to do everything I could to onboard them and get them up and running using virtual meetings.

Among the twelve of us, we had almost every possible scenario: one single mom homeschooled three young kids, one had two college kids who moved home but not enough internet bandwidth to cover everyone’s needs, one was extremely ill with COVID and couldn’t work for two months, and one was in a rocky marriage that deteriorated steadily under the pressure of being together 24/7. Another person, whose spouse was laid off, was faced with needing to bring in more money or they would potentially lose their house. I was able to successfully lobby for a substantial raise for her (she was due anyway). One was able to bust her mom out of the memory care home she was in, but then needed to be on call at all hours to take care of her.

It was one thing after another. Not a day went by without some new challenge. The crazy thing is that we made it through the worst of the pandemic with no appreciable impact on our results. Now my organization is planning to bring everyone back to the office and I am worried that we may not make it through this particular test.

I have a couple of anti-vaxxers on my team who refuse to come to work until the Delta variant danger is past. The parents need to work from home until they can make safe arrangements for their kids. And the rest don’t think it is fair for them to have to have come back when the others don’t.

I don’t see the problem here. We have managed beautifully through this; why is everyone acting like  five-year-olds NOW? I am exhausted from the constant change and the need to manage everyone’s needs. I am trying to stay reasonable, but at what point do I just tell people to shut up and grow up?

Fried

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Fried,

It sounds like you have been nothing short of heroic and you could really use a break. So my first question is: have you planned some vacation for yourself? I think taking some time off from the constant drama—and your workload—would go a long way toward helping you get back to your very service-oriented, understanding self. When you are ready to say things you know you will regret, it is time to step away. Like so many others, you are probably thinking that you can’t take vacation—but you must.

I will also ask the next obvious coach-y question: How are you taking care of yourself? Are you getting the exercise you need? The rest and sleep? Are you able to get support and direction from your own manager? It sounds like you are on your own with this situation, so if your own manager is unresponsive or simply MIA, perhaps you might find support and direction elsewhere in the organization. Reach out to your partners in HR and see what they have to offer you. We have created a treasure trove of resources for leaders just like you that might help.

Ultimately, though, you must take care of yourself so that you have the energy and grace to take care of others.

Why are people melting down now? Well, for starters, much as we wish it were, this isn’t over. From what I can tell, there are still risks and people are tired of worrying. The messages from the media are very confusing and concerning. Our leaders are even confused. It is hard to know who to listen to or trust. Uncertainty on this scale is exhausting for everyone. It taxes our brains and makes it hard to think straight and control ourselves. You’re tired. Everyone is tired. People are sick of finding silver linings and being good sports. So this is the time to dig deep to find those extra resources of empathy and compassion.

It looks like you are going to have to design a go-forward plan with a hybrid approach. It clearly isn’t going to work for you to simply mandate how the team will function moving forward. The first step would be to have everyone on the team weigh in about their preferences, needs, and wants. Speak to each person individually first, and then brainstorm as a team. Some folks will want to come in more than others, but you can all agree to come in on the same day one or two days a week. Given how well you all managed to get through the last 16 months, there is no reason you can’t collectively craft a plan that allows for flexibility and fully leverages the fact that it seems safer to gather in person now than it did a year ago. Those who are worried can continue to wear masks. Or, if necessary, stick with your virtual model until you are 100% certain that it is safe for everyone to go to the office every day. No one should feel pressured or feel like others are getting special treatment if you have been able to operate well up until now.

The opportunity here is to find a new way to work—not like before the pandemic, not like during the worst of it, but something fresh that takes peoples’ reality into consideration. If people feel heard and understood they will be much more likely to make the effort to make everything work for the whole team.

You have made it this far, Fried. Take some vacation, get some rest, and put yourself first for a change. You will be surprised at how much easier it is to be patient, kind, and considerate, and how easily a plan falls into place.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a sales EVP in fast growing but incredibly competitive software. The pandemic threw demand into overdrive, which is great, but it means quotas have ballooned as well. Our structure is regional and all of the regional VPs report to me.

My issue is one very whiny VP who is convinced that his team is getting the short end of the stick in terms of leads. He is always crying foul and favoritism at how named accounts and marketing leads are allocated. The current processes and communications were designed by my predecessor, and they seemed perfectly fine and fair to me when I was a VP. They make sense to me, so I just don’t understand the problem.

I would feel more inclined to pay attention if I saw that VP’s team crushing it with the leads that are handed to them. The last big event produced many folks to follow up with and his team didn’t go near about half of them. When I pointed this out, he claimed anyone who wasn’t contacted was with an organization whose headquarters are in someone else’s region and he didn’t want his people developing accounts they would have to turn over to someone else. That just seems lame to me. Even if a relationship does have to be turned over, his salesperson would get credit and a piece of the action.

I want to tell him to suck it up and get on with it, but maybe I am missing something. I was promoted about three months after he was, so we were never peers, and I don’t know him well.

What Am I Missing?

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear What Am I Missing?

Probably not much. I have never seen a sales organization that doesn’t have to manage conflict over the perceived fairness of structures, compensation, and processes. And even if sales is working like a well-oiled machine, it will be at odds with marketing. Then, of course, there is always the delivery organization to blame when things go wrong. I appreciate that you are seeking to understand and that you are aware you might be missing something. It shows self-awareness and the willingness to at least try to see someone else’s point of view, even in the face of your irritation. Not all EVPs of sales are known for their patience or generosity.

This is what relationship counselor John Gottman calls a “perpetual issue,” which means it isn’t a solvable problem. Gottman uses the concept in the context of marriage and partnerships, but I think it translates. It is a permanent situation that needs to be managed with regular communication, patience, generosity, and humor.

Social neuroscience research shows us that certain things cause our brains to go on tilt: being excluded, disappointment of positive expectations, our autonomy being restricted, and unfairness are top contenders. The neurochemical onslaught triggered under certain conditions can make almost everyone feel, if not behave, like a five-year-old. And some people are way more attuned to lack of perceived fairness than others. If you look at your entire group of direct reports, you will be able to pick out the ones who are even more motivated to win if they think they got the short end of the stick, just to prove they can win no matter what.

It sounds like you don’t have much of a relationship with Whiny VP. It might help just to spend a little time getting to know him and getting to the nitty gritty of his complaints. You can tell him you don’t really understand the problem—but you want to and you hope he can help you see it. Listen carefully for what you might be missing, such as things left unsaid or something he is sensitive about that he might not want to say directly. You never know—it might be revealed that there are problems at home or that he is suffering from a health problem. Or perhaps he is trying to direct attention away from performance for another reason.

The key here is to ask Whiny VP what exactly he suggests be done about the situation and his dissatisfaction. Is he just expecting you to fix it for him?

One question to consider: Is he the only one who feels this way? If there are others, perhaps the whole team could brainstorm a better approach. Just because the system worked for a while doesn’t mean it will work forever. Perhaps the changes caused by going into COVID hyperdrive shifted things in ways that aren’t immediately apparent. Big change fast can cause all kinds of subtle shifts that upset equilibrium.

What about other areas of his performance? Is he doing well there? If he is floundering on all fronts, he may not be able to rise to what is expected in the role he was promoted into. I always heard about The Peter Principle—that people are inevitably promoted based on their success to a position in which their skills do not translate, and find themselves floundering—but I never understood it until a few years ago when I saw it in action. It is especially true in sales that people are promoted because they are excellent salespeople, not because they have demonstrated management skills.

Take some time and ask some questions:

• What exactly isn’t working?
• How could it be better?
• If you were me, what would you do?
• Help me to see what you see…
• What is your take on this?
• What else do you think I should know?

You have every right to share your expectation that it is fine to raise concerns or objections—but once they have been examined and either deemed okay or rectified, whining is not allowed. It is also okay for you to point out when other VPs and their teams seem to be able to perform within the same framework.

Get curious. You’ll get more of handle on what is really going on, and then you’ll know how to proceed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work on a team that provides specialized services to the sales and marketing groups in a global organization. A lot of our work is time sensitive. My teammates and I pull all-nighters and weekends on a regular basis.

We are dedicated, passionate and skilled—but when we are involved in a big success, we inevitably are left off the list of teams and individuals who contributed. We feel completely taken for granted—because we are.

Our manager forwards the thank-you emails with a note that says “I know you guys weren’t on the list—again.” He is kind of sheepish about it. He isn’t Mr. Sensitive, but he knows it is demoralizing for us. But wouldn’t it be his job to raise the issue with his peers? He is in meetings with all of them all the time. Shouldn’t he be fighting for us to get a little crumb of recognition? I know if we hadn’t come through, we sure would be hearing about it!

Sick of Being Taken for Granted

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sick of Being Taken for Granted,

Yes. Your sheepish manager should be pointing out when his people go unrecognized and their contribution is overlooked. It really is his job, and the fact that he’s sheepish probably means he is vaguely aware of that. It’s hard for a manager to be equally good at managing up, working with peers, and being an excellent leader for the team. One of the most powerful things a manager can do is advocate on behalf of their team to the rest of the organization.

The fact that your manager hasn’t done anything yet probably just means it isn’t on fire for him. If he’s like most managers, his attention is entirely co-opted by what he believes to be his priorities. So your job is to raise the issue and ask him to make it a priority. If you don’t wave the flag about something that is having a seriously negative impact on you, your manager will simply focus on areas where flags are being waved.

When you make your request, be extremely mindful and generous with how you do it.

• Stay focused on the facts.
  • This situation has happened the last three times we have gone above and beyond to contribute to big wins.
  • This is how it makes me/us feel.
  • We respectfully request that you communicate this consistent oversight to the people who announce the wins and send the congratulatory emails.
• Ask some questions.
  • How do you see the situation?
  • What is your point of view on this?

Our philosophy is that managers do need to have their people’s backs. We all spend a lot of time at work. It can feel like a rugby scrum in the rain, all day, every day. We really need to know that our leader is on our side and willing to stand up for us.

Keep one thing in mind: your manager may not be able to do what you are asking. It’s possible he won’t understand the problem and will still think you should just let it go and get on with your work; or he won’t feel he has enough credibility or power in the organization to ask that his team be included. You can certainly ask him, and he may actually tell you, but probably not.

If this turns out to be true, you might consider raising the issue with his boss. Of course that will depend on the culture of your organization as well as whether you have a relationship with that person. It might really upset your manager—nobody likes a tattletale. But if you position it as a simple request, not as calling out your boss, it might be useful.

Finally, in the event that you have relationships with the heads of the teams you serve, you might be able to ask them yourself. I know that any time someone draws my attention to folks who have been overlooked, I appreciate their help and try to correct the slight immediately. But my organization is small and pretty flat.

Ultimately, I encourage you to raise the issue and take a stand. Resentment—as has been famously said by too many folks for me to give proper attribution—is like taking rat poison and waiting the rat to die.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Diversity, always a weighty topic, has become a profoundly important concern over the past several weeks. Nevertheless, many people and businesses continue to struggle in their attempts to address the issue. In her latest book, Diversity Beyond Lip Service, La’Wana Harris relies on her experience as a Certified Diversity Executive, ICF Certified Coach, and global leadership development professional to offer guidance to help individuals, leaders, and organizations effectively navigate this crucial period in history.

Harris explains that to build a sustainable culture of inclusion, we all must become aware of our own biases and then do the self-work to move forward with actions that have a positive impact. The brilliance of the book lies in Harris’s COMMIT model, which is designed to serve as a call to action for those who want to be part of the solution. This process emphasizes the following directives:

Commit to Courageous Action. First, determine the contribution or difference you want to make by creating a culture of inclusion. Then define what success looks like and how you will measure it, and set specific goals.

Open Your Eyes and Ears. Become mindful about what you see, what you overlook, and what you will stop tolerating.

Move Beyond Lip Service. Decide what you need to take responsibility for in order to raise the bar on inclusion and define your actions.

Make Room for Controversy and Conflict. Address what scares you about diversity and inclusion and identify both what you can stop doing and what you can say no to in order to become the best version of yourself.

Invite New Perspectives. Recognize the ways you are changing, the choices you are making, and how you will stay aware of the perspectives of others to remain vigilant.

Tell the Truth Even When It Hurts. Understand how being inclusive honors your values and how the stories you tell yourself represent cultures different from your own.

Above all, Harris recognizes there isn’t a quick fix to this issue. She reminds us that true change will take place only when people make a fundamental shift in how they approach diversity. She points out that traditional efforts have been oriented from the outside in—we’ve spent decades telling people what they should think, say, and do in relation to diversity and inclusion.

Harris suggests an inside-out approach instead—one that helps individuals go deep within their own beliefs to first understand their biases and then do the self-work to begin their journey to diversity appreciation.

The best part is the how-to steps provided by Harris in this thoughtful and important book. If you want to be a leader who ignites innovation in your team and brings out the best in everyone, read Diversity Beyond Lip Service today.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview La’Wana Harris, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. For more information on La’Wana Harris, go to lawanaharris.com or find her on LinkedIn.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the GM for a small brewery that has been shut down during the COVID-19 crisis as non-essential. However, the owner believes it is still worthwhile to stay open to serve take-out customers, which is allowed according to the shutdown rules. Because I am the GM, I have been designated as the lone onsite worker. I am happy to still have some work instead of going to zero revenue, but I am worried that I might contract the virus or bring it home to my roommates.

I thought staying open for takeout was a good idea until a few days ago, when the lockdown took effect in our area. The takeout business has now trickled to almost nil. I have tried to reason with my boss, but he insists that I need to show up for work and serve the few customers that are still coming in.

Before, I felt the risk I was taking was worth it to keep the business afloat. But now with sales slowed to a standstill, it just seems stupid to me.

Because I have asthma, my anxiety is ratcheting up as each day goes by. Can I be fired if I don’t want to work during this time? I would much rather stay safe at home and collect unemployment.

Agitated

Dear Agitated,

I can empathize with your anxiety. I recently watched a video on how to safely grocery shop and get your groceries home and stored properly. I have been doing it all wrong! We all need to seriously up our game to stay safe right now, and even then there are no guarantees.

I really can’t give you legal advice, as I am sure you are aware. All states have different regulations around the meaning of “lockdown” and “essential business.” You can probably get the detail you need on your state’s protections for employees online. To stay on top of California’s updates, I have been using the New York Times website that tracks all states. I poked around to find a real answer to your question and didn’t find much—probably because the situation you are in, although common right now, is still a fresh one. Here is one article that directly addresses the issue of how “essential” is defined—loosely—and what employees can do if they are forced to work under what they feel are unsafe conditions.

The most important thing right now is your assurance that it is safe for you to continue working. I assume the owners are providing you with everything you need to protect yourself—if not, I say you should leave right now.

Let’s say you do have all the protections you need. After educating yourself on all the precautions necessary, do you still believe you are taking a risk? My sense is that your answer is probably yes. If that is the case, you need to go back to your bosses and move past trying to talk reason to saying you are not signed up for this job. If the owners are so hell-bent on staying open, it is up to them to serve the odd customer who needs a growler filled. If that gets you fired, well, fine—then you can get unemployment. When this dark time is behind us, you can go get a new job in a company that makes the safety of their employees a priority.

If on the other hand you carefully review your situation and think, “Okay, this is safe enough, I can do this,” then why not? In another week or two, you will probably appreciate being able to get out of your house.

We have to balance our fear with common sense. I know it is hard to do. I keep convincing myself I am sick because I am short of breath, only to realize that it is because I am holding my breath. That isn’t helpful.

So move slowly, take all precautions, breathe, and stay fully present to each moment. You will know the right thing to do.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Do you ever wonder why you reach some goals easily and struggle with others? In her latest book, Master Your Motivation, Susan Fowler explains the three scientific truths behind motivation that will help you achieve your goals. Distilling many years of research, Fowler fashioned a condensed description of three basic needs we must create in our lives in order to master our motivation: choice, connection, and competence.

Choice

Creating the basic need of choice can be as simple as recognizing you have a choice and you are in control of your actions. Fowler suggests you ask yourself these questions to help create choice:

• What choices have I made? Consider which of your past choices made you happy and which did not.
• What different choices could I make going forward? Consider how you feel about those choices—or if you feel you don’t have any choices.
• Do I feel goals or situations have been imposed on me? Consider where pressures may be originating and whether your behaviors could have a positive impact on outcomes.

Connection

The need for connection is tied closely to values and is created through authentic relationships and a sense of belonging. When it comes to a goal or situation, ask yourself these questions to create connection:

• Can this give me a greater sense of belonging or a genuine connection to others involved? Consider why this goal or situation might give you a greater sense of belonging and whether it potentially could lead to a bigger purpose.
• Is this meaningful to me? Consider how the goal or situation aligns to your values and purpose, and what would happen if you didn’t get involved.
• Do I feel what is being asked of me is fair and just? Analyze your answer to this question to determine the true importance of the goal or situation to you.

Competence

Creating competence is not only about mastery, but also about learning, growing, and gaining wisdom from our experiences. Fowler suggests asking yourself these questions to help create competence:

• What skills or experience do I have that might prove helpful to achieving my goal? Consider your core competencies and whether they are important to this situation.
• What new skills could I develop? Consider new skills you may want to develop and why they are important.
• What insights have I gained—or might I gain—that could help me moving forward? Consider why moving forward is important to you and what you can learn from your mistakes.

Motivation is at the heart of everything you do—as well as everything you don’t do yet, but want to do. The most important thing to understand is that you can control the quality of your life by controlling the quality of your motivation. Fowler’s motivation philosophies are proven through her research and real-world examples of people who have experienced breakthroughs by putting her tips into practice.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Susan Fowler, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. Order her book, Master Your Motivation, on Amazon.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a very lean team and one of my people is a hypochondriac. Every week there is a new reason he needs to go to the doctor. Any cold that comes through he gets, and it is worse for him than for anybody else. He gets the flu every year. It is always something with him—he is tired, he is on some new medication that makes him have brain fog—he always has a health excuse for why he is a little behind or doing a little less than the others. He uses all of his PTO for medical situations but there is never anything visibly wrong. He has never brought in a doctor’s note, although I have asked.

I am sick of it. I recently saw a team member roll her eyes in a meeting when he was looking the other way, so I know I am not alone. We are all bored with his excuses.

I feel bad and worry that I am being a judgmental jerk because I am hardy and rarely get sick. What if he really is sick all the time? What do you say?

Sick and Tired of Sick and Tired

Dear Sick and Tired,

I hear you. It is much harder to empathize with constant health challenges when you are gifted with glowing good health and strong stamina. You are only a jerk if you act on your opinions and are mean or cruel.

A rule of thumb you might consider is that you have to be able to trust your people and give them the benefit of the doubt—that is, until too much doubt creeps in. Then you have to talk about it. To talk about it, you must separate the two different issues: the constant health complaints are one thing, and the fact that he does not carry a full workload is another. One is simply irritating but the other is unacceptable. You have to address the unacceptable first, which is the classic hard conversation. State the facts as you see them and make a request for specific change.

Here is something I have tested with both myself and clients. It is a 7-step process for a conversation, taken from the book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. This approach is a good way to call out behaviors that aren’t working.

1. Name the issue; e.g., “You aren’t carrying the same workload as everyone else on the team, and the issue of fairness needs to be addressed.”
2. Select 2 or 3 specific examples of the behavior or situation you want to change.
3. Describe your emotion about this issue (e.g., you are frustrated and are having trouble planning and assigning work tasks because you don’t know what you can expect of him).
4. Clarify what is at stake—and be very clear about this. What is the problem exactly and what is the negative consequence of not addressing it?
5. Identify your contribution to the problem. Is it possible you have allowed the bad behavior to go on too long? Be honest.
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue, being specific about what resolved looks like to you. This is critical and will provide you both with a measure so that you will know if the fix is successful.
7. Invite your employee to respond.

The thing I like most about this process is that it forces you to prepare for a conversation about one problem, and one problem only. Once the workload issue is addressed, you can embark on the one about the health complaining, which is a different kind of conversation. In that case, you are sharing an observation and making him aware that he is creating a reputation. You can leave to him what he decides to do about it, which will be his choice.

I once worked with a young man who was a little bit negative about everything. I shared with him that everyone on the team called him Eeyore. I thought he would get upset and try to change the perception, but instead he laughed and said, “Oh that is so perfect, I am totally Eeyore.” Your employee has a whole narrative going and he can decide to change it or not. It may be completely fine with him that people are rolling their eyes at him. Once you have helped him gain awareness, unless you plan to make a request for a change, your job is done.

Finally, there is an opportunity here for you to practice compassion. Next time you do feel under the weather, you might ask yourself what it would be like to feel that terrible all the time. Some people really do struggle with terrible health and you have to give them credit for carrying on under difficult circumstances.

And—the work needs to get done, so you are going to have to do whatever is needed to help him get the work done or change his schedule and workload to reflect what he can manage. To do that, you will probably have to HR involved, and a diagnosis and a doctor’s note, which nobody wants, but getting clarity will be key. Otherwise, resentment will build among the team and you will have a real problem on your hands.

Get clear. Deal with the work situation and raise awareness about the complaining. Continue to notice your own judgment and practice putting yourself in his shoes. Be persistent in getting clarity and kind all along the way.

I hope your own health continues to be excellent!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am smart, I work hard, and I am a pleaser. These qualities have made me very successful. I am now a senior manager in a fast-paced, high-pressure service business.

My problem is that I have created a monster in my boss. She is so used to my pleasing perfection that she pretty much expects me to be perfect all the time now—which, of course, is impossible.

Any teeny infraction gets a comment now. Here’s an example: She asked me for an outline for a report to the board and gave me the deadline. I don’t usually miss deadlines, but I was traveling that day. My five-hour flight was delayed and the internet on the plane didn’t work, so I sent the report as soon as I landed (about 11:45 p.m. in her time zone).

In my mind, I met the deadline with fifteen minutes to spare. I expected to hear “Well done—you got it in!” Her response? “How do I get you to submit your work before five minutes to midnight?”

This is driving me crazy. How do I get her to cut it out?

Not Perfect

Dear Not Perfect,

Your boss’s behavior does indeed sound frustrating—and for a pleaser, every little criticism can feel like being poked with a sharp pencil! In short, the way to get her to cut it out is to tell her to cut it out. Nicely. But let’s rewind and think this through.

It sounds as if you have been telling yourself a story about how you have both gotten into this muddle together. I suggest a reframe. Ask yourself if the story you have made up about this situation is really serving you. Then you can go to your boss and say, “So here’s what has been happening, and this is the story I have made up about it. I am hoping we can change this dynamic.”

Is it possible the story you have created is based on other relationships you have had in the past? Most of us interpret situations based on previous experience, so that may be at play here. In this case, I think there is a new story available to you—a much simpler one about the lack of explicit expectations and clear agreements.

You interpret a deadline as midnight on that date. It’s possible that your boss assumes everybody interprets a deadline as the end of the business day. When you talk to your boss about her criticisms, tell her it is your goal to please her and make her job easier. But to do that, you need her to be crystal clear about her expectations—all of them—so that you can be sure to never disappoint her.

The next time she makes a snide comment that catches you off guard, point to where the discrepancy was between your understanding of the expectation and hers. You are allowed to stand up for yourself, and you should. She can be more disciplined about clarity, and you can say “ouch” when you feel it.

I don’t necessarily agree that you have trained your boss to expect perfection, but I do think you may have led her to believe you have a thicker skin than you have. Let go of the whole “perfect” story – and rewrite it about how unspoken expectations and assumptions can catch all of us wrong footed.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a very matrixed organization. My actual boss works remotely and I seldom interact with him one-on-one, but we have a team lead on every project.

In my work group, we all work on different projects as they come in. One of my peers in another group is causing real problems for me. He never keeps his agreements and tends to hold up every project he is involved with. I’ll call him B.

He agrees to his role and then makes excuses, but no one in charge seems to know or care. It isn’t my job to give B feedback—and I wouldn’t know what to say—but it’s getting to the point that everyone in my group tries to avoid working with whatever group he is in.

I was just invited to be on a really fun and interesting project that I said yes to, but I heard B will be on it. I have a good relationship with that team lead, and I’m thinking of giving him the heads up about the chaos B causes.

What do you think? I hate to tattle, but I also hate knowing what’s going to happen and doing nothing.

Tattler

Dear Tattler,

This sounds like mayhem. The only way the matrix can work is if there is some solid oversight and everyone can be trusted to pull their weight. The fact that you are having this conundrum is an indication of poor leadership—because sometimes if everyone is a leader, no one actually has to step up and take responsibility. There’s a lot to be gained in terms of nimbleness and creativity with matrix organizing principles, but this is a classic example of one the potential downsides.

I understand this doesn’t really help you.

This might: Think about your basic values. What you are reacting to is the general unfairness of the situations caused by B. Unfairness essentially reduces all of us to four-year-olds. It literally affects brain function. It is important to be aware of this so that you don’t do something that is not aligned with your values and that you may regret. You may think that reporting someone’s past bad behaviors to an authority is the right thing to do, but your choice of label for yourself – “tattler”—indicates that you would judge yourself poorly. Frankly, you seem to be judging yourself for even thinking about it.

I sense some real doubts there, which leads me to say: don’t do it. I’m not sure what you would have to gain, but you definitely would have the respect of the team lead to lose. Because, as you well know, nobody likes a tattle tale.

Here’s what you can do. As the assignments are being divvied up, ask the group what the consequences are for slipping on deadlines. Agree as a group how you will behave. Keep your own commitments and acknowledge when others keep theirs. The first time B shows up with an excuse, call out that his lateness is going to slow everyone down and refer back to original agreements of the group. If the group doesn’t step up, then you can talk to the team lead and mention it isn’t the first time you have seen this behavior from B. You don’t have to be mean about it, just truthful and factual. Then it is the team lead’s problem.

Also, I would recommend that you make it a priority to develop a relationship with your actual boss. He is probably so busy that he figures no news is good news and that if you needed him, he’d hear about it. But you don’t want to be in touch only when there is a problem.

In my world view, it is your boss’s job to know his people and make sure they have what they need to succeed—but since that isn’t happening, you need to step up and be on his radar. Get on his calendar and be prepared with a list of all your projects so that he knows who you are and what you’re up to. To the extent possible, research his goals and priorities and ways you might be able to help him. Maybe then, when you really need his influence, he’ll have your back.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I have been working for over 15 years in my field and have moved up the ranks. In my last role I was a manager. 

Six months ago, I left my old job and moved to a company that had a small team where I was given a supervisor/team lead title that was one step below my previous position. That was fine, given that the title was the next rank down in the new company’s hierarchy. I also anticipated that the job would further my skill set and I would learn different tools and approaches. I had felt stagnant in my previous job. 

Recently, our department head created a new “senior team lead” level between the role I have and the one above. My teammate was then promoted to this new role based on the fact she’s been here for a year longer than I have and would be assisting my team lead with strategy. 

I don’t begrudge my teammate her promotion because she deserves it. However, I’m feeling like I’ve effectively been demoted because I’m now two ranks below manager instead of one. And the way that my manager presented a document detailing the new “career path” felt patronizing. 

I also feel that my 15+ years in the field counts for nothing and that I’m just seen as a new person who has been with the company for six months—even though I have more experience and skills than both my team lead and my teammate put together. 

I know I have the skills for this newly created job, but I would have to work here for another three to five years to be promoted even to my former level, let alone anything above that. 

Should I say something? What? How? And to whom? 

Thanks,

Did I Make a Mistake?

Dear Did I Make a Mistake,

I think you might be focusing on the wrong things. The questions to ask yourself are:

• In this new job, are you able to further your skill set and learn different tools and approaches as you expected?
• Do you like your team and your new manager?
• Do you enjoy working with your new team?
• Is your current compensation and benefit package working for you?
• Is your quality of life (workspace, commute, personal sustainability) better with your new job, or worse?
• Do you want to manage people, or do you prefer to be a technical specialist?

It sounds like your mind is really stuck on the seniority and your career trajectory, which is fine, but you must decide if that is more important to you than everything else.

That you felt patronized in your meeting with your manager is a different and separate issue. You definitely want to clear the air about that. If she isn’t aware of your experience, it wouldn’t hurt for her to know about it. If she is open to feedback about her approach to the conversation, it would be very good to share what you thought and how it made you feel. Just because your title isn’t where you want it to be doesn’t mean that your experience should be diminished or that you should feel disrespected.

If you weigh the answers to all of questions against your dissatisfaction with your seniority and title and it still feels all wrong, then you have your answer. Fight for the right title and level based on your experience—and be ready to go elsewhere if proper adjustments can’t be made.

If everything is really working for you, I suggest you let this go and focus on simply enjoying the work and doing a great job.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I work as a training manager in a large organization. Two years ago my boss was let go. Since then, I have been doing both her job and my old job.

I like my current boss (formerly my boss’s boss) but it’s obvious that he is fine with the existing situation. I’m not—and I feel taken advantage of.

My review is coming up and I am wondering how direct I should be. I am an introvert and quite shy and standing up for myself is not my strong suit. On the other hand, I am angry now.

Mad at My Boss

Dear Mad,

Getting two full-time employees for the price of one is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Managers get away with it because employees let them. It’s good that you’re angry. I hope that anger will catapult you into action and get you to stand up for yourself. Use it to drive your planning and fire up your courage.

You should be very direct—but the key is to remain emotionally neutral while being so. It is my experience that the reason most people don’t demand what is fair is that they can’t find a way to express themselves without becoming emotional. So they just don’t express themselves at all.

So how to do it?

Think long and hard about what your requests will be. Put them in order of priority and decide what is negotiable and what isn’t. Then practice, practice, practice. Ask a friend to play your boss and force yourself to do it. It will feel awkward, and you will feel embarrassed at first—but isn’t it better to feel that way in a safe environment than when you are with your boss and the stakes are high?

Practice ways of saying no. Try variations like “That doesn’t work for me; what if we did this instead?” or “Let’s consider another approach.” Get comfortable with a couple of phrases that may not be normal for you. You are asking yourself to perform something way out of your comfort zone, so preparation will be your best friend.

Reflect on your experience with your current boss and brainstorm all possible objections or arguments he might use to talk you out of your requests. Practice your well-thought-through responses.

Think through everything—job responsibilities, how attached you are to the change in title, and, of course, salary. Put it all in writing so you don’t forget anything (easy to do if your nerves get the best of you). Begin by asking for everything you want and be ready to negotiate down to what is essential. Decide in advance what you are willing to give up—and what you will do if you can’t get what is most essential to you.

You should consider being prepared to leave the job if you can’t get your boss to agree to your bare minimum. This means brushing up your resume, polishing your LinkedIn profile, and even putting out feelers if you haven’t already. Having a Plan B will make you feel stronger in your negotiations.

You may find a lot of excellent support in Amy Cuddy’s book, Presence: How to Bring Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. Amy Cuddy is a social scientist who has overcome her own natural shyness, so she strikes me as extraordinarily credible. I am a big fan of her research on “power posing” and have used it myself before doing things that scare me. If you don’t have time to get her book, you can at least watch her TED talk.

When the time comes for the conversation, take especially good care of yourself. Make sure you have enough time and you won’t be interrupted. Remember to breathe. If you feel dizzy from nerves or can’t remember what you wanted to say, feel the soles of your feet on the floor and take a deep breath. Everything you need to remember will come in on your breath and you will be fine.

Most of us spend all of our time preparing for what we want to say and no time at all preparing for the end of the conversation. Your manager will benefit from this and will probably try to get you to agree to things in the meeting, but don’t fall for it! Do not, not, NOT capitulate to anything in the conversation. Instead, take everything he proposes—take notes if you need to—and tell him you will think about it. This will give you the time you need to think things through with your wits about you.

This may all feel like overkill, and it may be. But I guarantee all of this thoughtfulness and preparation will give you gravitas and make you brave—which will make it much harder for your boss to turn you down.

Fortune favors the brave…and the prepared.

Be fierce.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I got a new boss about six months ago and I have been watching and waiting to see how he is going to pan out. So far, so good, I think—except for one thing that is really burning my toast. Literally the first thing he did was to put a stop to all telecommuting in our entire department.

For me personally, it isn’t an issue, as I have a short commute and prefer to come in to the office. But it has thrown quite a few people in my department into chaos, as many have made plans around their work-from-home schedules.

Our company is in a huge metropolitan area and the commute times are insane—two hours each way for some people. I know that my employees are productive when they WFH—often more so, because they are less stressed and have more time to actually work.

The worst part is that the new boss isn’t following the rule himself! In fact, on a recent conference call, he talked about how great it was that he was working from home that day! We were all appalled. He lost so much of my respect in that moment.

How can I “manage up” here? What can I say to get the new boss to reverse the policy—or at the very least, understand that the rule has to apply to everyone?

I really hate it when superiors pull the “Do as I say, not as I do” thing.

Losing Respect

Dear Losing Respect,

I hate that, too. I share your belief that leaders should be role models for the behaviors they seek in their people.

There are two issues here. One is the sudden radical change in work-from-home policy. Hopefully, you have had enough time to observe your new boss to get a sense of the best way to approach him to give him feedback. You can run a little informal analysis: Is your boss an analytical thinker who will be moved by data? Or a more emotional type who will respond to a story? You can plan your tactical move here by shaping your arguments so that he can hear them.

You don’t state the why behind the change in the policy. Possibly he hasn’t shared it. You might start there and ask what prompted the change. Perhaps your boss thinks people watch daytime TV all day when they WFH. I spent over a decade as a virtual employee and I now manage a partially virtual team, and I can assure you that most people do get more done when they WFH.

Your boss may be data driven and able to be moved by actual information you have about how much your people get done when they WFH vs. coming into the office. Maybe your boss feels that face-to-face interactions are more effective. This may be true for some types of meetings, and you may find a good compromise. When you know what drives your boss’s thinking, you can mount a well-reasoned argument.

One client I worked with argued for her team members who had a regular WFH schedule, saying that she had given her word—in some cases as part of the hiring agreement—and that she felt strongly about keeping her promises. That made a big impact.

Now for the second issue: your boss’s stunning lack of self-awareness, revealed in his crowing about the luxury of working from home to people whom he has restricted from doing so themselves. Do you feel that you have enough of a relationship to say something yet? I know a lot of bosses really appreciate it when a direct report points out something they are doing that is decreasing their effectiveness. I know I sure do—we can all be a little oblivious sometimes. So, you might risk going straight at it: “Hey, may I share an observation? People are very cranky about not being able to WFH—so when you are doing so yourself, you might want to keep it on the QT.” Some people would appreciate your candid directness, but, of course, many wouldn’t.

You are going to have to trust your gut here. You may decide you don’t want to work for someone (a) who is such a numbskull and (b) with whom you can’t be honest. That would be a good data point on which to build a job search. You did say it was the only thing burning your toast. You can probably tolerate one thing. Even two things. My opinion, based on observation and absolutely no scientific research whatsoever, is that it takes five intolerable things before a person starts thinking about leaving—and the seventh one is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

So, all in all, you are in pretty good shape. And now you know that one of your leadership non-negotiables is “Do as I do.” It will help you be clear about your own standards for yourself as a leader.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a university student who moved to the U.S. from India about 7 years ago. I recently completed an internship for a 1500-person company in which the CEO wanted to have more diversity.

In retrospect, I can see the company offered me the internship in part to show that they were focused on being more diverse.

The problem is, from the beginning my boss didn’t seem interested in utilizing me at all, and I was given only a few tasks that I completed quickly.

When I asked for more work, my boss told me I was too pushy. Then, after letting me sit at my desk with nothing to do for a few days, she told me I didn’t have enough drive.

I thought about leaving, but I stuck it out because I wanted a recommendation. But at the end of the internship my boss told me she couldn’t write me a recommendation because I hadn’t actually done any real work.

I’m trying to figure out what happened and what I could have done differently, but I also feel that the cards were stacked against me from the start.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Rejected

Dear Rejected,

Well, that sounds horrible. I am so sorry this happened to you. It does sound a little like you were hired to be the diversity poster child and that possibly you were foisted on your boss.

As a boss myself, it is my experience that managing interns is time consuming and often unproductive. Managers who do well with interns have usually asked for one to complete specific projects and are natural teachers who have a desire to nurture and mentor. Being a great boss for interns requires the willingness to take the time and an unusual generosity of spirit.

It sounds as if the person who was your boss didn’t sign up for an intern in the first place and was not interested in teaching, mentoring, or showing generosity of any kind. This may be the root of the problem.

She may also have had an aversion to your differences. It is entirely possible that you have been the object of conscious or unconscious bias. When people are not like ourselves—people of different religions, socio-economic backgrounds, race, etc.—it is easy to view them negatively without even realizing it. This is often called in-group bias.

There are so many different kinds of unconscious biases. It is fascinating and we are all susceptible to some, if not all, of them. You can read more about it here. It might not even be this complicated—it’s possible that your boss just didn’t like you. It happens. Even so, she should have been enough of a grownup to be civil and professional.

I am surprised you didn’t have a contact in HR you could have talked to. Even a small company should have had someone for you to go to. You may feel it is too late now. But ultimately, there are a couple of big things to take away here:

• You should not, and cannot, take any of what happened personally. It is always the leader’s job to adapt to the temperament of the employee and meet them where they are to help them succeed. Your boss wasted your time and left you feeling left out and confused. Her behavior was unconscionable and is absolutely on her.
• You must learn from your experience. Next time make sure the person you are going to be working for truly wants an employee and has a hand in hiring you. Never take a job unless you have a job description with clear tasks and goals. Make sure there is agreement up front about what a good job looks like so that you can do a good job! This helps avoid being at the mercy of a boss who isn’t on your side. Do your homework about the company beforehand—especially their efforts at diversity—so you aren’t an unwitting pioneer trying to blaze a new trail.
• Pay attention to your own biases. We all have them. The more you are aware of your own, the more effective you will be as you move forward in your career.

You are still a student, so you have time on your side. Best to chalk this up to experience, take what you can as learning, and move on. Most of us learn a lot about what not to do from terrible bosses, so there is value in that: you will never do to some poor kid what was done to you!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work with a large team and I am getting overwhelmed by the number of requests to donate to different causes.

I am one of the few people on the team without kids, and I have never asked my coworkers to donate to causes I support. But I am barraged by requests to buy wrapping paper, cookie dough, give to school fundraisers, etc., for people’s kids. Other colleagues are forever walking, biking, and running to raise money for various causes. And don’t get me started on Kickstarter campaigns.

I do feel fortunate and I do give back by volunteering at an animal shelter, so I feel like I do my part. My big dream is to travel, so I have been trying to put all my spare cash in a kitty to save up for that.

I know these causes are good ones, so I am always torn—and I feel like if I don’t give, people will judge me. What do you think?

Bled Dry

Dear Bled Dry,

I get it. It would be nice to have unlimited funds to just give all the time–the research shows that it gives humans great pleasure to do so—but clearly you don’t have that kind of money.

Most of the causes you are approached about probably are completely worthy, as you’ve said. And you have every right to save for your big trip. Half of the problem is the tizzy you get thrown into every time you get a request. The kind of mental gymnastics you are forced into is exhausting and is not serving you.

So here is what I suggest—it will be fair to all requesters and will stop constant noise caused by all the requests. Look at your finances and decide what you can afford to give on an annual basis while still saving for your dream. It doesn’t have to be a lot—maybe $200 or something like that. Then, you give a small amount, say $5 or $10 dollars, to anyone who asks, until you reach your pre-determined limit. Then you tell folks that you have maxed out your giving budget for the year. Done.

You will be secure in the knowledge that you thought it through, made some choices, and are sticking to your financial plan. People can judge however they please—and honestly, some will judge no matter what you do. The important thing is that you know you are doing the best you can.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I recently interned at a company where my project charter was to “create a competency based interview process and standard operating process for talent acquisition.”

My project guide, who is head of talent acquisition, asked me instead to create an interview evaluation sheet based on competencies that were already in place and a process document for talent acquisition at a basic level.

I found many major gaps in the existing system including outdated job descriptions, different formats, etc., so I created my own template—but my project guide was only interested in looking at the interview evaluation sheets.

My internship lasted two months. During my final review with the VP of human resources, I was asked about the other deliverables—the ones my guide stopped me from doing.  My project guide never told the VP that she didn’t ask me to do them. I lost the job opportunity with them because my project was incomplete. Another intern who was less qualified ended up getting a job instead, because her guide supported her.

I feel extremely hurt and depressed. The insights I had about this company were tremendous—but to save face for my project guide in front of her boss, I never mentioned this. My guide spent only five minutes giving me feedback. She never gave me areas for improvement; just kept saying I was doing excellent work. I wrongly assumed she would help me get this job.

Ms. Depressed

Dear Ms. Depressed,

I am so sorry you had such a rotten experience with your internship.  I am not going to spend a lot of time on what you could have done differently, but will illuminate some rules of thumb for the future.  No good will come of too much regret—or “shoulda, coulda, woulda” as they say—but there is much to be learned from this experience.

First things first. I understand this experience has set you back on your heels. But when you say you are hurt, it leads me to believe you are taking this experience personally.  Stop it. You just can’t take this kind of thing personally. You have your whole career ahead of you—and if you learn this lesson now, you will be much more likely to thrive.

Internships are always a bit of gamble.  You just don’t know what kind of a sponsor you are going to get.  I know it is a big stretch for me to be a decent boss for interns. I am used to managing professionals who really don’t need me at all.   Being a great boss for interns requires the inclination to teach, pay close attention, and give feedback.  Your guide apparently had little patience and zero generosity – I would even go so far as to say she was kind of a jerk where you were concerned.

My question to you is: what made you think it was your job to help her save face?  In the future, I would say you can always tell the truth without blame or judgment – it is not your job to lie to cover for anyone at any time.  You owed her nothing as far as I can tell. If we could rewind, I would have recommended you submit the work to the VP that you did for your original charter.  In fact, I recommend you go ahead now and submit to the VP your tremendous insights for the company and whatever other work you did.  You don’t have to say anything about your guide other than she wasn’t interested in your original charter, but you were, so you did the work anyway.  It probably won’t change anything—but what do you have to lose?

I am sorry you assumed your guide would have your back. She clearly didn’t.  In fact, I would say that in the future, you can never assume anyone will have your back unless you have direct evidence they will.  Cynical?  Probably, but very real.  Better to assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised when you are wrong than the other way around.

So, Ms. Depressed, pick yourself up off the floor and get back out there! Deploy your considerable smarts and work ethic and find a guide or a boss who will appreciate what you have to offer.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!