Dear Madeleine,

I don’t quite know how to say this without sounding like a total jerk, but I am really, really smart. It was useful getting through school—I got the highest possible scores on standardized tests without even trying. I have an almost photographic memory, and forget nothing. I got through college in three years and now have a great job in finance and data analysis while going to grad school for data science.

My problem: nobody listens to me.

There are ways we do things that could be done much more easily. There are computer shortcuts nobody here seems to know about that could speed things up. All my coworkers call me “the kid” and tease me constantly about being a know-it-all. All I am trying to do is help them get their work done faster. We have several software systems, but only three of these would be necessary to achieve everything we need. Apparently, no one understood the capabilities of what we already had when they were trying to figure out how to accomplish something new that was needed.

I have tried to share several thoughts with my boss—but he has no time for me and usually has no idea what I am talking about. He has made it clear that I am annoying him.

I am not such an out-of-touch brainiac that I don’t know I need to somehow improve my emotional intelligence. I’ve heard that feedback my whole life. But I am not sure where to start.

I was hoping you could point me in the right direction.

Smarty Pants

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Dear Smarty Pants,

It can be so shocking to find out that smart, highly functional adults can blithely ignore inefficiencies and outdated processes. It is common, so much more than you’d think, until you become aware of myriad ways attention gets hijacked by the way our brains work.

There are so many cognitive biases you are up against trying to get people to make changes that seem like straightforward common sense. As human beings:

• We have a strong tendency to focus on getting things done by completing things we’ve invested time and energy in.
• We maintain focus by favoring the immediate, relatable thing in front of us, and deferring to doing things the way we already know works.
• We notice details that confirm our own existing beliefs.

And that is just for starters. To learn more about the way unconscious cognitive biases affect behavior, you can find a beautifully organized, in-depth map of them here.

I will caution you ahead of time to not use your extraordinary recall to tell people the bias they are suffering from at any given moment, because it will not win you any friends.

I think there are two courses of action here. The first is to learn the basics of emotional intelligence, which I guarantee will serve you well for the rest of your life. The second is to create a plan to apply what you have learned to the situation you are currently in.

The resource to start with to learn more about Emotional Intelligence is Daniel Goleman’s seminal book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ. Goleman’s research outlines exactly why you have received the feedback you have—it is because high IQ and a practically perfect memory will get you so far and no further. His framework makes good sense, as there are skills you need to build your own EIQ that first involve increasing self-awareness and learning how to regulate oneself, then building awareness of others, and then getting better at moderating your own behavior to effectively communicate with people. This is the primer to start with—don’t let the fact that it was published in 2005 deter you.

Once you have laid the groundwork, you will be ready for the advanced course. There are so many great books on influencing others, but my favorites come from Craig Weber. Craig’s approach zeroes in on how to get better at engaging people in conversation by being curious about what they are thinking and then sharing your own thoughts in a way that others will be open to. His methods work for people who struggle with a lack of confidence and shyness as well as people who suffer from alienating others by being the smartest person in the room. His first book will help you to have better conversations, and his second will help you to influence people.

In the end, Smarty Pants, no one is so smart that they are going to accomplish great things by themselves. Not even you. It just doesn’t work that way. But for someone as smart as you are, who can engage the brilliance of others as well, the possibilities are infinite. You won’t be called “the kid” forever—time will take care of that. And as you practice your new skills, people will stop finding you annoying and calling you a know-it-all.

I have heard it said that navigating humans isn’t rocket science and I agree, because it is actually much harder. Humans should only be as straightforward as math and physics. But there are some rules you can learn that will make navigating them more manageable.

Your towering intelligence is a great gift, and, like all gifts, it is a double-edged sword. And you are experiencing its shadow side. I am confident that if you apply your smarts to expanding your awareness of yourself and others, and learn new skills, there will be no stopping you.

Good luck!

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a student of leadership ever since I became a supervisor in my first job in the early 90s. I am now a VP of services for a collection of call centers across the UK.

I have practiced to the best of my ability everything I have learned from Ken Blanchard’s books and all of the content available over the years from Blanchard newsletters, blogs, and webinars. My company offers no training whatsoever for managers, so I have done my best to share what I’ve learned with managers who have reported to me.

I strive to seek the best in people, give them the proper mix of direction and support, help them to find opportunities, etc. Since my company has values up on the walls that have no meaning to anyone, I have come up with my own values: consistency, civility, accountability, and fairness. I share them regularly with my team and even have them on my email signature. The outcomes in my area speak for themselves, I am happy to say—until now, anyway.

I am facing a situation with a manager who reports to me. I have tried everything. He is downright nasty to his people and uses fear tactics to get results—which, predictably, have been suffering.

The last time I met with him to point out the dip in his units, he retorted that he didn’t think it was fair for me to hold him responsible for his team’s performance. He pointed out that one of my values is fairness, blatantly throwing my core beliefs in my face. I was so aghast that I was quite literally speechless. I pretended I had another meeting and told him we would take this up at his next one on one.

I have tried to be a role model for managing people and inspiring their best work. With this person, it seems all for naught. I feel confident about what I need to do here, but am writing to you to double check my instincts.

Speechless

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Dear Speechless,

First, my hat is off to you for your dedication to being the kind of boss we all wish we had.

Well, not all, I guess, but most.

You didn’t mention exactly what you think you need to do, but I, too, was rendered momentarily speechless by your employee’s response. I wonder who he thinks should be held responsible for the performance of a team if not the manager? That might be a question to ask in the conversation you have where you tell him it is time to part ways. (If that is not your instinct, might I be so bold as to suggest it should be.)

I know in the US, when a manager lets someone go, it is helpful to have documentation of poor performance, lack of civility, and insubordination. I don’t know if that is as necessary in the UK.

Either way, though, it does sound like you have done your utmost, and it is time to offer the opportunity to someone who at least seems to care about people and is willing to take responsibility.

Part of me is curious as to how he got the job in the first place, because he must have shown some promise—at something. But there is no telling how the sudden acquisition of power will change people. It can be truly startling.

Something Scott Blanchard (our CEO) says all the time is how mystified he is by managers who think it is okay to treat their people in ways they themselves would never tolerate. But this behavior is remarkably common. Apparently though, not on your watch.

You’ve gone to the trouble of defining your values, and I think you can lean on them to make the right decision here.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a fully remote team and have one member who is wonderful—when he is able to focus on work. His contribution is valuable, he is easy to get along with, and other team members depend on his experience and wisdom. But he is always dealing with some kind of personal crisis.

He has had several health challenges, as have his family members. His partner is an ER nurse who is 100% focused when she is at her job, so all the appointments—and childcare—fall on him.

He has multiple pets, all of whom have special needs. He was affected by serious flooding in one of the last big weather events (his car literally floated away) and his home now has black mold in the walls. His remaining parent needs a lot of care. The list goes on and on.

I want to be empathetic, but with the advent of Covid and everyone working from home, I feel like work is last on his list of priorities. He often fails to deliver on deadlines but always has a logical reason. And, to be fair, he is good at managing expectations and communicating when he is not on track with deliverables.

How can I continue to be empathetic while helping him increase his commitment to work?

Torn

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Dear Torn,

Boy, does this sound familiar. We managers all seem to have a fantasy in which our employees have partners whose job it is to manage the home, the kids, the pets, and the aging parents. This may have been the norm several decades ago, but most households today are only kept afloat with two full-time jobs. And that only really works when everything goes perfectly—another fantasy world in which no one gets sick, pets don’t age, parents remain completely independent, and fierce hurricanes don’t wash our cars away.

It is one thing to deal with one predicament at a time; quite another to have a laundry list of never-ending crises with no end in sight. Flooding is no joke. It is a traumatic event. I think your employee probably needs to focus on stabilizing before he can increase his commitment to work. It seems that you have a valuable team member who is in a pitched battle to just get through each day, and that it would serve you both to sit down and have a serious discussion about reality.

Perhaps there needs to be a conversation about making a change, at least temporarily, while your employee gets his own health challenges and the disaster recovery activities under control. Here are some ideas to consider:

• Have your employee consider going part-time, or even taking some time off and applying for disability.
• Talk to your HR person and get clear on the company policies related to paid time off, emergency leave, or other benefits that might be applicable in his situation. Ensure he is aware of his rights and options.
• Brainstorm a shift in workload/task assignments.
• Look into your company’s Employee Assistance Program. There may be therapy or coaching available to help your person talk through all of his responsibilities and help him get organized.
• Check into support resources that might be available for dealing with the aftermath of flooding—disaster relief organizations or government agencies that could provide assistance.

It is clear that your employee’s current situation is untenable, and it isn’t fair to either of you to not face the facts. You can remind him how valuable he is to the team, and how much you appreciate his contribution, and that it is your job to help him so he can bring his best.

Be clear, kind, and direct that something has to give or he is on track for increased health problems. Craft a plan together that you both can live with.

Remember to maintain confidentiality about what you come up with, but also share with your team that their teammate is working to manage his circumstances. They must be wondering.

Life can be hard, and sometimes really hard. Do everything you can to support your employee to help him through this particularly hard patch.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have an employee who is very dependable and is doing an excellent job. I am certain he will do very well here, long term. He has been with the company about a year, has developed confidence, and often catches errors before it is too late. He is trusted and his peers go to him to brainstorm and troubleshoot.

I have noticed that he stays silent in meetings but will share his thoughts with others after the meeting. This causes extra work and adds time to the process of making the best decisions. I have encouraged him to speak up in group settings, but he is not rising to the occasions as they are presented.

I see great things for this person, and this is an important step in his development. I am not sure how to help him make this leap. Would appreciate some ideas.

Challenged

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Dear Challenged,

Getting the quiet ones to speak up in the moment is a tricky one. The key will be to first get him on board. It may take a lot for him to “rise,” as you say, so he needs to understand the difference it will make for him. He also needs to understand what it will cost him if he fails to even try.

This will require a one-on-one conversation that is private with no interruptions. Then paint the picture of what you see going on.

Start by explaining what compels you to insist on his development. If you didn’t see such promise, you wouldn’t bother, right? He needs to know that you know the value he brings.

Then explain why it is so important for him to speak up in the moment, not after the meeting. Use an example of a recent case where it added time and needless complexity to a decision process. There is a good chance he has no idea it is causing static.

Remind him that you have encouraged him in the past and have not seen any change.

Then ask questions that will help you understand what is going on:

• Do you see how important it is that you speak up in the moment?

• What keeps you from speaking up in the moment?

• Is there anything or anyone (including me) in the meetings that make you feel unsafe?

• What can I do to make it feel safer for you?

• How can you overcome whatever is getting in your way of speaking?

Ask each question and let him take his time to answer. You may have to be in silence together for a while, and that’s okay. If it makes you uncomfortable, breathe.

You can speculate all day long as to why your high potential person is staying quiet, but only he knows. To be fair, he may not even know himself, so you may not get a clear answer the first time you ask. Be prepared to have him go away and think about it. If this happens, schedule a follow-up so he knows you are not going to let it drop.

You may end up hearing something unexpected. Maybe he was punished or ridiculed for speaking up in his last job. Maybe he needs time to think about things. Maybe he just doesn’t think anyone cares what he thinks, despite what you have said to him. Who knows?

But extend the invitation to partner with him to help him rise. Give it time. It may require incremental experiments. Or you may unleash something—for better or for worse.

He is lucky to have a manager who cares enough to bother. I salute you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an experienced executive. A few years ago, my company created a mentoring program. I have really enjoyed mentoring young new hires and have done several six-month stints.

My first mentee and I have stayed in close touch and have become friendly. The kid is a rock star at work and has benefited from some introductions I’ve made and tips I’ve given him, which has been gratifying.

My problem is that I think he has been making some terrible decisions in his personal life.

He is in a long-term relationship with a young woman who appears selfish and volatile to the point of being unstable. The relationship seems to make him miserable. A few months ago he told me he was going to end things with her—but the next thing I knew, she was moving in to his condo.

At around the same time, he got a big promotion with a hefty raise. He had been telling me that he was saving up to take a sabbatical and travel the world; yet, right after he got his raise, he blew his savings on a very fancy new car. He had never mentioned any interest in cars or other status symbols. I suspect it was the girlfriend who convinced him to buy it.

I am having a hard time keeping myself from talking to him about how he says one thing and then does another and how I believe he is making big decisions he will regret.

My advice has always been centered around work, so it doesn’t feel right to chime in about his personal life. But I feel like I am watching a train wreck about to happen and don’t know how to stop it. Should I…

Say Something?

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Dear Say Something?

Your instincts are right on the money. My short answer is to keep your mouth shut.

Friendly is a far cry from friends. With the age difference and the power imbalance, you do not have an equal, reciprocal relationship. Would you ask your mentee for advice about your big life decisions? It doesn’t sound like it. And it also doesn’t sound like he is asking for your advice on the choices he is making.

If you just can’t help yourself, you could ask for permission to share an observation. If given leave, point out that you have experienced him claiming to want one thing and then taking actions that are almost opposite from what he said he wanted. See where that leads. It may lead to your spilling all of your opinions, which would be a mistake that could very well ruin the relationship—so you would need to be prepared for that.

But I don’t see any upside for you in doing this. Ultimately, it just isn’t any of your business. It is true almost 100% of the time that no good deed goes unpunished. Young people have to find their own way and make their own mistakes. Your mentee may be creating train wrecks for himself, but they are his train wrecks and he will undoubtedly learn important things from them.

Maybe the two of you will become true friends over time and he will wise up enough to ask for your opinion on his personal choices. Until then, keep your counsel confined to professional work stuff and zip it on all other topics. And when the time comes when you want to say “I knew it”—don’t. Just nod your head and empathize.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Ron Darling, a stellar pitcher with the New York Mets in the 1980s, was going through a brutal divorce. He struggled through spring training and the start of the season. His emotional turmoil  hurt his game.

Davey Johnson, the team’s roughneck manager, noticed Darling’s struggles and reportedly said to him, “I went through a rough divorce. You can’t sleep. It affects every part of your life. It’s devastating. I get it. My heart goes out to you.”

He then continued, “But I’m also your manager. We pay you a lot of money to pitch. It’s also in your best interests to be successful. So leave the past behind you and throw the ball!” As the story goes, this conversation turned Darling’s career around.

This story is a wonderful illustration of the power of empathy. If Johnson hadn’t first empathized with his player’s difficulties, Darling might have become furious, left the team, or quit baseball. But Johnson first empathized, making Darling receptive to the truth, which inspired him to perform to the best of his ability.

The story also shows that empathetic leadership must not be used in isolation. It is a virtue that thrives when it’s coupled with other virtues. Being only empathetic would lead to its own set of problems. Balancing empathy with other qualities is where things can get a bit spicy.

Empathy is Essential for Great Leadership

Let’s start with some basics before we explore the complexity of this topic. A good leader is an empathetic leader. In fact, it’s hard to image a successful leader who isn’t empathetic.

The pandemic has taken an emotional toll on everyone. We have a greater need today to be heard and understood. We expect our leaders to acknowledge what we are feeling and be sensitive to it. That is why the quality of empathy is so prized right now.

Being empathetic isn’t just a feel-good philosophy. It stimulates innovation, spurs engagement, and improves retention. People who work for empathetic leaders are more productive, loyal, and happier at their jobs.

Being empathetic is a win-win proposition.

Empathy in Relationships

Empathy is fundamental part of our relationships. It is vital under certain circumstances. It’s when, as a leader, you know it’s time to ask, “How can I support you?”

Listening is a wonderful form of empathy. Sometimes people need to be heard and that’s sufficient. Sometimes people want advice. Whatever the case, though, empathy should result in meaningful action.

Empathy in Conversations

I like to say there are two kinds of conversations: useful and useless. Empathy is essential for a useful conversation. I must know how you are feeling if we are to have a meaningful exchange. By demonstrating empathy, I can connect with you, understand where you are, and move forward.

Useful conversations create positive regard between two people. They also create clarity and focus about what will happen next. In contrast, useless conversations lack clarity or end with a disagreement or a drop in regard from one or both people.

Sometimes people are unempathetic because they don’t know their own feelings or they project what they are feeling onto others. If I’m feeling suspicious, I assume the person I’m talking to is also feeling this way. Empathy really starts with self-awareness.

Empathy and Forthrightness

Empathy should be present in our interactions but needs to be coupled with forthrightness. It is a business truth that people need to perform, and, if they don’t meet expectations, the barriers to performance must be addressed.

To be clear, our reaction to someone in distress should be warm and empathetic. But that doesn’t mean the person should be coddled. In fact, they may not want to be coddled.

Empathy and Misreading Situations

It’s easy to misinterpret people and situations. We often bring our last conversation or the events of the day into the next interaction. We don’t always know if someone is reacting to us or to something that happened earlier. Observing someone’s behavior over a period of time is an effective way to separate what we might be projecting onto a situation.

Great leaders know how to balance their emotional and cognitive sides. They don’t get caught in someone else’s emotional turmoil. They listen with love. And they listen with discrimination. That combination produces true empathy.

Nice Versus Kind

When we’re empathizing with someone who’s struggling, there’s a tendency to be nice instead of kind. Nice is when we sugarcoat the truth or avoid it entirely. Kind is when we tell the truth in an empathetic or supportive way.

It’s unfair to withhold information from someone whose performance is subpar. You may feel it is the nice thing to do when someone is in distress, but it isn’t ultimately kind. The facts will remain unchanged no matter how you try to gloss over an issue. When you are kind, though, you are giving someone an opportunity to grow and change.

Empathy and kindness coupled with discrimination is always advisable.

Empathy and SLII®

The fundamental teaching of SLII® is how to break things down into discrete situations. Once you do this, you can deal with each situation based on its own merits. The first job of a leader taking a situational approach is to stop and consider the other person. This is an act of empathy.

One-on-one meetings, another cornerstone of SLII®, give leaders a chance to be empathetic. The employee sets the agenda and shares what’s important to them. Your job as a leader is to learn how they are performing and feeling—and empathize with their challenges.

A Final Thought

We all need to understand what positive and negative behaviors we regularly demonstrate. It’s so easy to become overwhelmed by our work that we lose sight of how we affect others.

When I catch myself falling into this trap, I’ll say to the other person, “Let me see if I can repeat back to you what I’ve heard so you know I understand what you’ve said.”

It’s my attempt to be empathetic. How about yours?

Dear Madeleine,

I am the operations manager for a large veterinary hospital. It is a fast-moving, extremely busy environment, especially our 24/7 ER. I essentially manage all personnel because the doctors don’t have the time or the inclination.

We have one employee who is a challenge for me. She is a trained vet tech who is going to school to be a full veterinary physician’s assistant. I will call her Kira. She is technically proficient, reliable, and good with our animal patients and their humans. The problem is that she is a super emotional and starts crying at the drop of hat. When she gets harsh feedback about a mistake from one of the doctors, she comes crying to me. When a patient dies, she is a wreck for the rest of the day. I sent her to support a doctor for our Mobile Pet Euthanasia Program and she was a total disaster. She cried harder than the pets’ humans did and ended up being more of a nuisance than a help. I tried to talk to her about this but—you guessed it—she started crying and that was that.

I didn’t grow up with sisters and, generally speaking, don’t have a lot of experience with women. This is the first time I have been faced with this situation in a work environment and I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to be cruel, but I really need Kira to get it together. Any advice would be helpful.

Unsympathetic

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Dear Unsympathetic,

Excellent timing on this query. Just last week I heard through the grapevine that a new employee I happen to know well had been driven to tears in a meeting. I texted her “Congratulations, you don’t have a real job until you’ve cried”—partly in jest, but also (at least for me) partly in truth. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have cried in the bathroom at work or at the airport after a job. Why did I cry? Because I cared so much about doing a great job and somehow missed the mark. The operative concept here is that I cared. Don’t we want employees who care, a lot, about doing a great job? Notice that my personal story uses the past tense. This is mostly because although I still care, I have gotten a lot tougher. It’s one of the advantages of age, I guess.

I have often wondered about the evolutionary purpose of tears because I have been personally betrayed by them more times than I can count. The research is paltry; the need for babies and infants to cry is fairly self-evident. Scientists hypothesize that crying in adults evolved as an emotional expression that signals distress and, in theory, should promote consoling and empathy from others. That seems obvious and not very helpful—especially if the response to tears is annoyance, which is the opposite of the desired response.

Here’s the thing, Unsympathetic. Crying is simply an expression of emotion. That’s all. It doesn’t mean you need to stop the conversation. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say what needs to be said. It is merely evidence that a person is experiencing strong emotion, and some people are more emotional than others. Kira’s tears aren’t going to hurt anyone; they certainly aren’t going to hurt you. My personal theory based on experience is that the more effort I put into not crying, the more shut down and removed I get from the conversation. If I just let ‘er rip, I can stay in the conversation, listen, respond, process what needs to be processed, and move on. If Kira needs to cry to avoid shutting down and becoming an automaton, well, so be it.

What if you were to stop judging the tears and let them be a natural part of who Kira is? Just have a box of tissues handy so you’re ready next time. Have the conversation(s) you need to have, let her cry as much as she needs to, and get on with things. Just notice your own discomfort with her show of emotion, breathe, and stay focused on the matter at hand. You sound like a competent person who cares, so just be patient and kind. The safer Kira feels, the more likely she is to calm down and take the ups and downs of the workday in stride.

Having said all this, the whole becoming-incapacitated-by-the-euthanasia-process is another thing. I guess you will just need to ask Kira if she thinks she can hold it together in the future. To be fair, the first couple of times really are shattering. The last time we had to do it, my husband was a wreck and the Doctor and the tech were both crying with us—so I’m not sure crying isn’t the appropriate response as long as she can still function. She may have to hold off on assisting on those kinds of services for awhile. Our vet has surrounded himself with extremely competent people who care desperately about our dogs, and it makes such a difference to us.

You might gently suggest that Kira Google some techniques for managing one’s emotions at work. There are some good suggestions out there. Or not. She may figure out on her own that she needs to do a little Googling.

Just a little note on gender. I do think that in our Western culture the male of the species has been beaten into submission to never show any emotion other than rage. In fact, it is my theory that any strong emotion in men tends to get expressed as rage, since that is the only socially acceptable form of expression for men. But I know one man who cries all the time. Ken Blanchard jokes that he cries so often, he thinks his bladder must be too close to his eyes. And it hasn’t held him back.

Relax, Unsympathetic. You really do want all of your employees to bring their whole selves to work. While it can be a little messy sometimes, it also means that they’re giving it everything they’ve got. And that’s a good thing.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

I had an upsetting experience yesterday. Amid our current environment of chaos, confusion, and uncertainty, I find that people are generally behaving pretty well. I’ve noticed this at the grocery store, which I now visit only about once every ten days. Social distancing is in effect, with dots or X’s every six feet marking where customers should stand—and yet, there is still a great deal of humanity to be found. One shopper helps another reach something on a high shelf; a woman encourages the person behind her with fewer items to go ahead of her in the line; friendly clerks smile behind masks and plexiglass in spite of working long hours.

So what was the epic failure that was so upsetting? A clerk who stuck to the rules—and I mean stuck!

A shopper with 19 items inadvertently stepped into the “15 items or fewer” line. Upon discovering this, the clerk refused to ring up the last four items and told the customer she would have to put everything back in her cart and go to a different line. The woman apologized for her mistake and politely asked the clerk to make an exception (meanwhile, the lines were getting longer). He again flatly refused—rules, after all, are rules—and repeated that she could not be rung up in his lane and would have to move. No other solution was possible; he was entrenched in upholding the 15-item rule.

The woman burst into tears. The stone-faced clerk still wouldn’t budge. Finally, the frazzled customer turned to the lines of captive shoppers witnessing the scene and cried, “Does anyone think this is right?”

A solution suddenly appeared in the form of a fellow customer who took the four offending items, paid for them in her lane, and handed them back. The total? A whopping $4.32. The woman walked out crying, leaving the customers around her dumbfounded that the clerk couldn’t or wouldn’t find a reasonable solution. In fact, he seemed a bit grumpy that another customer had stepped in!

Now you may be thinking: “Rules are rules, and they are in place for the common good.” Well, yes, that’s true. But think about the purpose of the rule—in this case, customer convenience and speed. Did it make sense to upset a customer? To hold up the people in line behind her? To harm the reputation of the store, lose that customer for life, and generally anger everyone else within 30 feet of the woman? Of course not.

Would it have been a better decision to keep the line moving, thus letting people exit the store and speeding up the experience for the 20 people waiting outside to get in? Of course. Wouldn’t it also have been better for the clerk to say “I see, you made a simple mistake and I’ll ring you up—but in the future, please pay attention to the 15 item rule,” thereby meeting the underlying purpose of the rule? Yes, that would have been better.

When someone bursts into tears, empathy is certainly better than hidebound insistence on following an arbitrary rule meant to keep things speedy. That transaction took 14 minutes. The customer could have been happily out in seven, if a bit chagrined at her miscount. Now the store has lost at least two customers—I doubt she will be back, and I’m done. For good.

What’s the culture like in your organization? If customer-focused decision making on an issue this simple is absent like it was in this woman’s experience, then innovation, adaptation, creativity, and customer service are in real jeopardy. Don’t let this happen in your organization. Rules, yes—but use a little common sense and compassion, please. Especially during these trying times.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a manager for many years. I came up through the ranks and have been steadily promoted because of my technical and analytical skills—also, because I am almost always right. I try not to be a jerk about it, but it is the truth.

I recently had a performance review with my new boss, who has been here for only about nine months. He told me I am doing pretty well on my goals, but that my people seem demoralized and beaten down. Apparently, there have been complaints that I am “mean.”

I am offended. I make sure everything that comes out of our department is top notch and I always thought I was a good manager.

My boss told me I had to be “nicer.” He also wants me to find ways to promote the good work my team is doing to the larger organization. I said I was willing to try, but I have no idea how to do those things. I thought he would help me, but all I got was a blank look.

Help?

Big Meanie

Dear Big Meanie,

Wow. It’s hard to hear that kind of feedback. It sounds like this is the first time you have been made aware of how you are perceived—and you have never received management training—so really, this is not your fault. I encourage you not to take it personally.

I appreciate your willingness to reflect on your boss’s advice, take it to heart, and make an effort to improve. That itself is a win right out of the gate.

I do take issue with the use of the word “nicer,” which is hard to define. I would submit that you might consider simply being more kind. This means:

• Remember, people who aren’t like you have feelings that can be easily hurt. It’s not that you don’t have feelings, it’s just that you don’t consider them relevant.

• Stop to think before you speak—put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

• Remember to praise good work instead of taking it for granted as a requirement for the job.

• Critique in private—and be sure to critique the error or behavior, not the character of the offender.

• Give people the benefit of the doubt if they have shown evidence of best intent. No one is trying to screw up, generally speaking.

I have a couple of other ideas for you.

• Ask your manager if there is anyone in the organization who has a reputation for building team morale and who is good at building PR for their team. Or perhaps you know someone—a former boss, perhaps—who would be good at this. Go to this person and ask them to mentor you in these two areas.

• Ask your manager or your HR/Learning department if any training is available that could help you build the requested competencies. They might have something for you.

• A lot of research has been done on psychological safety in the workplace. Do your own reading on how leaders can establish a safe place for their own teams. There are certain behaviors you can probably implement immediately that won’t require you to change your fundamental personality.

Talk to each of your direct reports in private. Ask what you do that makes them feel bad, and how you might change to make them feel more supported and appreciated. Most people just want to know that their manager has their back, so find out from each person what that looks like to them. Reflect on what you can and can’t do, and don’t make promises you can’t keep other than “I will try to do better.” This will be a good start toward helping you build the best way to lead each individual on the team.

There are some tactics you might consider when it comes to sharing your team’s good work with the larger organization. I would say the first step is identifying which peers need to be more aware, and developing relationships with them. You can get more detail on that here. Many analytical people can see this as a waste of time; however, it is critical to your success because the higher you go, the more important strong relationships are.

(Well, actually, relationships are critical at all stages in your career, but this is just now becoming a potential derailer for you.)

Let’s not forget that you do bring tremendous value to the organization. As a leader in a business myself, I can attest to how much organizations depend on people who value accuracy and get things right. Your considerable intelligence and analytical skills will serve you well in your quest to be a better manager.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a subject matter expert in an engineering company and, well, a technical genius. I am aware it isn’t politically correct to put it that way, but it is the truth—I have an unusually high IQ and people who come to me for help literally call me “The Genius.”

Our whole team recently did a 360° feedback online. I received my report, which was okay. My direct reports have no complaints with me.  I am a good boss because I studied how to be a good boss and do all that is required. Even though I find it tedious and dull, I do what it takes. My boss also thinks I am great.

The problem is with my peers. It isn’t so much that they said negative or judgmental things; it’s that for many of the questions they mostly responded “N/A,” meaning they didn’t have enough experience with me to credibly respond. The number of N/A’s from my peers made me realize how little they know about me.

I am a quiet person. People tire me out. After work, I really just want to go home, hang out with my cat, and test new levels of video games—which I do for fun for a gaming company run by an old friend. I am generally not included in social events, probably because I consistently decline any invitations I get. I am not just an introvert, I am a turbo introvert.

So, here is my question: Does it matter? Is it important? Is there a compelling reason for me to make the effort to be more social with my peers?

Would Rather be Alone

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Would Rather Be Alone,

Well, it all depends on your work and career goals. I am a little surprised that the success of your team isn’t affected by the fact that you barely interact with your peers. It sounds like regular interaction and cooperation with other teams is simply not required for you to accomplish what needs to be accomplished. That may or may not be true as your company grows and changes. There might be a chance that you will be OK with keeping to yourself for the foreseeable future; however, you might consider the following points.

The higher people go in organizations, the more they need to be connected to their peers to share ideas and ensure collaboration between functions. Research about emotional intelligence reveals that IQ only takes people so far—and that people who have not developed emotional intelligence (EQ) will hit a career ceiling. There might be some value in discussing with your boss your vision for your future in the organization and asking who among your peers might be most critical for you to get to know. Another thought is that one of your peers could easily be your boss someday—and wouldn’t it be easier for you if they had some sense of who you are?

I understand that people tire you out, so I encourage you to start seeing it as part of your job to create relationships with people in the organization who matter to your success. You can study how to do that the same way you studied how to be a good manager. You don’t have to be super social—just an occasional coffee will do it. Don’t try to be anyone but yourself, but don’t make it about you. When you are around people, find a couple of open-ended questions that get them talking. Make it about work by asking things like “What do you like best about your job?” “Is there anything my team could be doing to make things better for your team?” and “Is there anything that you think I should know?”

Then you can reward yourself by going home to your cat knowing you have gone the extra mile. Apply that high intelligence to doing at least the minimum. It won’t hurt you—and it will probably help you in the long run.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have a good relationship with my boss. We communicate well and I admire him a lot. Over the last two years, he’s the one who has helped me learn the job and tackle problems.

This great connection has caused all kinds of issues I hadn’t anticipated, however. My coworkers seem to think that he supports me in every situation. People say my success is due exclusively to my relationship with the boss, and no one recognizes my hard work.

To add to my troubles, I am a little bit brash. I tend to be loud and probably a little too direct. I speak out when I feel something isn’t right.

I have resigned from my current employer and am moving on to a new opportunity. I don’t want to leave on a bad note and I definitely don’t want to recreate the same situation in my next job.

Teacher’s Pet

Dear Teacher’s Pet,

Congratulations for being able to build such a great relationship with your boss. That is a useful skill. The trick, of course, is to have a great relationship with your boss, your peers, and—as you eventually get promoted—your own direct reports.

The concept that will be helpful for you right now is Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence refers to the extent to which you are aware of yourself, aware of others, and able to regulate your own behavior to work more effectively with others. Some wonderful books have been written on the topic, including Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, and Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves.

Here is a great video summary of the main concepts that essentially lays out the importance of possessing these five personal qualities:

• Self-awareness
• Managing emotions
• Self-motivation
• Empathy for others
• Handling relationships

You will benefit a great deal from applying your ambition and desire toward successfully increasing all the above. Otherwise, you are going to continue to crash around and turn people off, which will hurt you professionally.

I can totally relate, by the way—having spent most of my life being described as a bull in a china shop. Brash, loud, direct, and straightforward describes me to a T. I have worked relentlessly to learn to self-regulate. After forty years in the workforce, I still have to put a lot of attention into moderating my natural way of being. It is difficult and sometimes tiring but my efforts have paid off.

Take it from me—honing your Emotional Intelligence is worth it, primarily because you really won’t be able to make a true impact all by yourself. To make a difference in the world you need to be able to work with others and inspire others to do their best. All the research on successful people shows that the ability to build and nurture relationships with people at all levels of the organization is the key to success.

This notion is often challenged by examples of Steve Jobs and Elon Musk—not exactly Emotional Intelligence role models. If you are as big a genius as those guys, then go ahead and ignore me. But if you are just a regular, smart, hardworking, fundamentally decent person who wants a great career, your Emotional Intelligence will matter as much as your intellectual intelligence.

I know you are already on your way—you at least noticed that your way of being hasn’t been working. So as your start your new gig, keep your ears open and your mouth shut until you get to know people a little bit.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My problem is that my people—not all of them, but enough—are extremely needy. They come to talk to me and they take up hours of my time.

They talk about their kids, their lives, and their problems and seem to expect that I’m fine with listening to all of this.

I’m not. I mean, I do care about them as people, but the thing I really care about is their work, and that they do it well.

Am I a monster? How do I get people to shut up and get on with it?

Tired of Listening

Dear Tired of Listening,

You sound kind of tough, but you probably aren’t a monster. You are almost definitely a very specific kind of temperament, and it would serve you well to understand personality types and essential motivators. I am a big fan of the work of Linda Berens and you can get a primer on the topic here. There are lots of different personality types and they all require a different kind of connection.

It is my experience though, that regardless of temperament, most people have a deep need to be seen and heard—maybe not you, but most people. Your people want you to know who they are and they want you to care about them. You claim that you don’t care, but since they continue to come to you, you must be faking it pretty well.

My assessment is this: you have the instinct that it is important to spend time with your people and listen to them, which is correct—but you haven’t figured out how to draw boundaries that will limit the amount of your time people take. So it’s time to set some boundaries.

Tell your people that from now on, everyone gets a specific amount of one-on-one time. Some managers have so many direct reports that they can only spend 15 minutes a week with each person, but the ideal is 30 minutes, and an hour is even better. Tell them that their one-on-one time is their time. They should prepare the agenda and they should use their time to bring you up to speed, get the direction they need from you on their work, and plan future projects. Let people know they are invited to share about their personal lives, but they need to fit it all into their one-on-one time. They will get the message loud and clear, and you will have tight boundaries around your time.

Your people clearly crave personal connection with you, and they obviously trust you enough to seek your ear. You can give them what they need and also take care of your own desire to get on with it. Keep working on the amount of time until you reach a comfortable balance. With the right balance, you will find it easier to access the part of you that actually does care—which will meet your needs as well as theirs.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Left to my own natural tendencies, I’m part of the second group. When I’m chatting with a coworker or hanging out by the proverbial water cooler, after about five minutes I get the itch to get back to my “real” work.

But over the years I’ve recognized that in most cases, the most successful leaders are the ones who are all about building connections.

Several years ago, I spent a week working at our local sports arena during the Davis Cup tennis tournament. We were told parking at the arena would be limited, so I carpooled with a coworker named Dan. Turns out Dan had once worked at the arena and still knew a lot of the staff.

The first two days of work were spent preparing for the main event. Dan was able to park in front in a VIP section. Every day when we got there, Dan would stop and chat with different parking attendants about their work and life. Dan had obtained several Davis Cup commemorative pins that were very sought after, and he made sure to give a pin to each of the attendants he talked with. I noticed what Dan was doing but could only think about how I wanted to get inside and start working.

On the third day, the crowds increased and the parking lot was quite full. As Dan drove into the VIP section, a parking attendant he didn’t know told him he didn’t have the right credentials to park there. Another attendant immediately ran up to tell the first attendant it was okay. We parked in the VIP section each day for the rest of the tournament.

I never got the impression that Dan was chatting with the attendants and giving them the pins only to secure VIP parking. To me, this story is a concrete example of the power of connection.

Think you could use a little more connection in your life?  Here are three ways to get started:

1. See building connections as a valuable part of your job. I mentioned to one very successful senior leader I coached that it sounded like she spent half her time building relationships.  She agreed, but then said it really should be 90 percent of her time!
2. Regularly get up and away from your computer or other electronic devices. Go hang out by the coffee cart, invite someone to walk with you to the vending machines, drop by to say hi to a colleague, or—for the very brave—schedule some lunches. Although initiating contact might not feel natural, most people find it to be a pleasant experience.
3. Listen more than you talk. I don’t think it’s an accident that many people who don’t regularly connect happen to be introverted—maybe even shy.  The reality is that building connections often means listening to those you are connecting with.  If you are a generally shy person, think up a couple of questions you can ask, if you need to, to start a conversation.  Ask a question such as ”How was your weekend?” or “Did you see the big game?”  And then just listen.

With a little practice, you can learn to be a master at connecting, too!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

People with high emotional intelligence are able to recognize emotions that surface within themselves and others. Emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient or EQ, refers to a person’s ability to identify and understand their own emotions and the emotions of other people.

To your knowledge, have you ever interacted with a person with low EQ? If you have, it’s safe to say the interaction may not have been very pleasant or productive.

Coaching sessions often focus, directly or indirectly, on emotional intelligence. A coach helps a leader surface and recognize the emotions that result in the behaviors that are driving them. A leader who can measure the effectiveness of their behaviors and manage those emotions can create appropriate and productive leadership behaviors for themselves.

The skills involved in most emotional intelligence models include the following:

• Self-Awareness: This is where it begins! Being self-aware. Using your personal power.
• Self-Management: Being in control of your behaviors based on your emotions. Self-regulation.
• Social or Other Awareness: Being aware of others’ emotions. Showing empathy and being service oriented.
• Relationship Management: Leveraging self and others’ emotions to build collaboration, communication, and trust.

Daniel Goleman, author of many books on EQ including Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, highlights a study that determined people with high EQ have better mental health, job performance, and lives. Goleman states: “In a study of skills that distinguish star performers in every field, from entry-level jobs to executive positions, the single most important factor was not IQ, advanced degrees, or technical experience—it was EQ. Of the competencies required for excellence in performance in the job studies, 67 percent were emotional competencies.”

EQ is about adapting your behaviors and leadership styles to create productive interactions. This is at the core of effective leadership. Everyone experiences good days, bad days, positive moods, “just don’t feel like it” moods, tiredness, low motivation, etc. We are human and mood swings come naturally. And we have the ability to manage how we act on our emotions and how we deal with the emotions of others.

With some coaching and a little practice, anyone can increase their level of emotional intelligence and positively impact their relationships at home and in the workplace.

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Maybe it is the CEO of your company, the principal of your local high school, or the president of your alma mater.

If I asked you about the specific qualities that made them successful, you’d probably tell me about their hard skills—teachable abilities such as vision and strategic thinking.

But I’ll bet you’d also tell me about their soft skills—interpersonal abilities such as listening, collaborating, and endorsing others.

Yes, the hard skills matter, but in my experience it is soft skills that make a leader memorable—more than their title, degree, acquisitions, or accomplishments. Let me give you an example.

Twenty five years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, I attended a presentation by the famous Boston Children’s Hospital pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. After delivering his speech to a packed house, Dr. Brazelton took questions from the audience. One woman had a question about breastfeeding her three-year-old child.

A sizeable number of audience members started to murmur regarding the woman’s choice to nurse a child that age. The negative energy unsettled the mother and she paused in the middle of her question. The silence seemed to last forever, but Dr. Brazelton kept his compassionate gaze upon her. It was as if they were the only two people in the room. He nodded for her to continue and she tentatively resumed speaking. When she finished her question, he answered her. He then took the next question.

Why has this stayed with me for twenty-five years? In that moment, I saw Dr. Brazelton as an awesome leader because he didn’t do anything. He cared enough to wait. He held the space for her. The woman at the microphone felt his connection—and I did, too, as an observer. He didn’t play to the audience. He didn’t diminish the woman or her question. And by doing so, Dr. Brazelton allowed me to observe the transformational power of caring by truly listening. That evening, I learned so much from him—far beyond the topic of his speech.

Obviously, listening, caring, and creating a connection are important to me as a coach. It was not Dr. Brazelton’s education or professorships or thirty-page resume that affected me the evening I heard his speech. I was transformed by seeing a self-aware individual care to hear the question of another. It was powerful—and it remains powerful all these years later.

As the years have passed, I recall that night often and use it as a calibration in my own work by asking myself: In what ways am I creating connections like that?

How about you? Taking the opportunity to continually improve is essential to becoming a better, more self-aware leader. Unlike a hard skill, we’re never finished when it comes to improving our ability to listen, to be present, and to validate others. Consider how you can model both the hard and soft sides of leadership in your conversations. You’ll help yourself and others in working together more effectively—and isn’t that wonderful!

Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared in LeaderChat in 2017. Dr. T. Berry Brazelton died in March this year just shy of his 100th birthday. Hospitals and research institutions, together with all of the people touched by Dr. Brazelton’s work, will be honoring his impact and legacy on the anniversary of his one hundredth birthday on May 10.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

Can you clear something up for me? I have been told by a former coach and others that I need to be more “authentic.” But I have also just received feedback in a performance review that I am too brusque, condescending, and cold. And if one more person tells me they are intimidated by me, I am going to scream.

True, I’m not warm and fuzzy—I never have been and never will be. I am extremely analytical and I do tend to cut to the chase whenever possible. I get an amazing amount of work done, I always hit my goals, and people come to me for answers. And yet, it appears that my direct reports and some peers want me to be nicer.

So which is it? Should I just go ahead and be authentic? Or should I try harder to be nice?

Confused and Fed Up

Dear Confused and Fed Up,

Oh, how I loathe the exhortation to be authentic. There are simply too many individual interpretations of what that word actually means.

All kinds of agendas are behind the call for authenticity, but the only one I agree with is that we all need to avoid trying to be something we’re not at the risk of being seen as fake or insincere.

I completely understand your confusion, so let’s clear this up: You should be as much yourself as possible—but the best possible version of it—and never totally yourself. And in your case, smile a lot more than is natural.

The key is to observe yourself. Reflect on what your true self really is and what behaviors are most natural to you. Then pay attention to what others are most comfortable with and regulate your natural behavior to the extent possible to increase their comfort level. This is called Emotional Intelligence—and the more you practice, the better you will get at it.

For a little more depth, I recommend a deep dive into understanding personality types so that you can figure out how you are different from other people, why it matters, and what to do about it. Here are a few resources:

David Keirsey on personality types

Linda Berens’ work on Temperament Theory

Jim Harden and Brad Dude’s What Makes You Tick

For example, I suspect you will find you have a dominant temperament that Keirsey calls Rational. It is driven by core psychological needs to achieve mastery, self-control, knowledge, and competence.

Your gifts of being an excellent systems thinker, a natural problem solver, and someone generally unaffected by regular conventions have a shadow side. People who are not like you (approximately 93 percent of the world) may perceive you as cold, unemotional, and condescending.

It would indeed be very inauthentic for you to try to be warm and fuzzy, but there is an argument to be made for being polite, which is simply a discipline, and kind, which may be more of a stretch and will require fairly intense self-regulation.

To avoid being fake, use your analytical skills to investigate each of your colleagues and pinpoint something to admire and thus a reason to respect them. Find something to care about for each person you work with by using your considerable intellect to put yourself in their shoes. And remember, it takes all kinds.

Do tell the truth as you see it—just not the way you are hearing it in your head. You will have to translate your thoughts; e.g.: “Good grief, that is the stupidest idea I have ever heard,” to something like “another idea might be to…”.

The good news is that you can leverage your drive for mastery and competence to become easier to get along with, without having to fundamentally change who you are—which is good, because that isn’t possible. The bad news is that it will require some effort on your part. And the other bad news is that we are all going to have to hear more about authenticity in the future.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been part of a large team of great people for a few years. About a year ago we got a new boss.  He is a few years older than me and very smart and creative. We had an immediate connection because we went to the same school for undergraduate and are both huge fans of our school’s sports teams.  We became instant BFFs and have continued to get along great. 

The problem is that everybody thinks we are having an affair. I really don’t know how the rumor got started, but it didn’t occur to me to worry about it—it was just so nice to get along so well with the boss.  We are both married—he has two little kids—and it just isn’t the case. 

One of my pals on the team also told me there is a lot of gossip with people thinking I am getting special treatment, which isn’t true, either.

I am so bummed about this. I hate being judged for something I haven’t even done. How can I stop the gossip?

Unfairly Judged

Dear Unfairly Judged,

You can’t stop the gossip but you can wait it out.

You are just the entertainment du jour right now, and this too shall pass—unless you actually are having an emotional affair, in which case, you are going to need to make some changes.

Just because you are both married to other people doesn’t mean for one second that you couldn’t be having an affair.  It happens all the time.  And even if you aren’t having a physical affair, you may very well be having an emotional one. An emotional affair is when you click so well with someone that there is a level of intimacy that rivals or even eclipses what you have in your marriage.  I would challenge you to be brutally honest with yourself and tell the truth about whether or not you are flirting with this new BFF.

Ask yourself:  Do you go out of your way to spend time with your boss?  Do you think about him all the time? Do you spend time together without others around?  Do you spend time with each other outside of work?  Do you email or text constantly about non-work stuff?   If you are saying yes to any of this, you need to stop kidding yourself and get off the slippery slope.  Emotional affairs often slide into full affairs, and even when they don’t, they will impact how your boss treats you as well as both marriages.

If that is what is happening here, I highly recommend that you cut it out.  Discuss it with your boss.  Come clean with your husband and discuss what needs are being met in the BFF relationship that could be met in your marriage.  Talk to your best friends; they will also help you to get your feet back on the ground.  The more light you shine on this, the more quickly it will fade.

If the answer is no, and you are truly just friends and co-workers, great.  Take very good care and start managing the heck out of appearances, because they matter. Pay attention to the way the two of you behave, through the eyes of the others, when you are together. This will also give you much needed intel.

Do not communicate electronically about anything that is not work related.  I would even say to back off the sports talk except when you happen to see each other.  Do not—ever—be in the same room together alone unless you are visible to others—a glass conference room, for example.  Don’t ever talk about your friendship with others at work. Just pay attention, don’t give the gossips any fodder for the flames, and the whole thing will die down as soon as the next rumor comes along.

You may be getting stuck on how unfair that is.  It is unfair, but you have to remember that being good friends with the boss raises your status in the eyes of your co-workers, which makes them feel jealous and threatened.  “We are adults,” you might be thinking, “that is ridiculous!” Well, yes—and social neuroscience research shows that when it comes to status and fairness, our brains don’t know how old we are. They simply react as if we were all four years old and the kid sitting next us got a bigger piece of birthday cake.  So don’t blame your co-workers for being human. Their behavior is utterly predictable.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am worried about my boss. He has always been super bright, ahead of everyone else, with a mind like a steel trap. He has been an amazing boss and a real mentor for me; I have a lot of respect and affection for him.

Lately he has been forgetting critical things, like big decisions we’ve made and meetings that have been scheduled forever. Just yesterday he showed up at a client meeting with potential customers whom he’d met several times and it was clear that he did not remember them. I am constantly covering for him. I try to make sure he is prepared for things, but then he forgets our conversation. I am running myself ragged trying to do my job and his. Others on the team are noticing it, and people are starting to talk. He really seems too young for this to be happening and I don’t know what to do. I would never want to hurt him, and it would break my heart if he thought I was talking about him to HR or anyone else. What do you think?

At a Loss

Dear At a Loss,

Well, heartbreak is ahead for you in this situation any way you look at it. I couldn’t be more sorry. Truly. You absolutely must, must, must go to your boss’s boss or to HR. If you won’t go right now, at the very least start documenting every incident so that you have a clear record of what is going on.

The best case scenario would be that your boss sees a doctor and finds out he has a correctable condition that is impairing his cognitive function. This is actually possible, and I hope that is what is going on. The worst case scenario would be that he has some kind of early onset dementia that will not improve with medical attention. Either way, you owe it to your boss and to your organization to make sure he gets help. If you have any relationship at all with his significant other or spouse, you might want to have a heart to heart talk with that person as well.

It is critical that someone have your boss’s back and makes sure he is properly taken care of. I have heard horror stories about senior leaders in organizations who learn a colleague is impaired and take advantage of the situation by having that person sign away their rights to pensions, insurance, etc. Perhaps you think this would never happen at your organization—and that would be a good thing—but keep your eyes open.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly experienced manager, but I have reached my limit with one of my people—let’s call her Sam. She is extremely competent and up until about a year ago she was very reliable. Since then, it seems as if it has been one crisis after another.

First, one of her kids was sick and it took a long time to get a diagnosis. Sam was out of work constantly, either consulting doctors or at home with her child. It turned out to be Lyme disease—which is no joke—and I feel bad, but her work really took a hit.

Then her mom got kicked out of her rental and had to move in with Sam. Her mom had multiple health problems requiring more trips to the doctor. About a month ago, things got more complicated when her mom fell and broke her hip. This required moving her into assisted living, which had to be researched and arranged by Sam. I am pretty sure she is helping to pay for it, too.

The net result is that Sam is constantly calling in sick, coming in late, and needing to leave early. There is an ex-husband in the picture who doesn’t help out at all. When Sam is here, she is distracted. She seems to be her family’s sole source of support and it would make me feel like a terrible person if I let her go.

Our work requires people to be at their desks and available to customers and Sam is not holding up her end. Her co-workers are getting frustrated and are looking to me to do something. The last time I tried to discuss this with her, she burst into tears and we had to end the conversation.

It’s Always Something

Dear It’s Always Something

This is a really tough situation. It worries me that you don’t seem to have support for Sam through the HR department in your organization. You should definitely be discussing this with your boss. Your company must have some employee assistance policies—some programs in place that she could lean on for support.

As a working mom, I can attest to how fiendishly difficult it is to work full time while raising kids, so that may color my objectivity on this issue. Today many people in the workforce are juggling madly, racing from home to daycare to school to work and back home again to start their second shift. In my experience, working mothers get more done in less time than other people because they have to. Throw in the aging parent angle and things get exponentially more difficult.

In this case, it sounds like Sam is a good employee when things are stable. I recommend that you brainstorm how to arrange Sam’s schedule to give her the flexibility she needs to get her job done. Perhaps she could work a few days from home. Or maybe you could change up her hours so she covers the phone early mornings.

You are also going to need to persevere through some emotion and have a real conversation with her.

People cry—okay, more women than men, according to research—and they cry at work; usually in the bathroom. It’s not the end of the world and it does not signify an end to the conversation. All it means is that the person is experiencing deep emotions. It happens. It is part of being human. Deep emotions can get in the way of thinking straight, so it is actually useful to let Sam experience them and get them out of the way, so that the two of you can get on with things. Get a box of tissues, let Sam cry, and wait until she gets through it and composes herself.

Lay out the problem. Tell her you are on her side and you appreciate that she is an excellent employee who has had some real challenges. Communicate that you really want to find a way for her to do what she needs to do for her family while also doing what needs to be done to help you and the team meet your goals. Engage her in solving the problem; you never know what kind of a solution will present itself. She might cry some more. No big deal; just hand over the tissues.

Regarding the issue of your team getting annoyed with Sam, there might be an opportunity here to pull the team together around supporting her. Who knows who will be next in line to win the lousy luck lottery? Wouldn’t it be nice for everyone to know that the whole team will rally around them if they have a really bad month? Or year?

And yes, it is possible that you may not be able to work this out. But I would say you owe it to your own development as a manager, and to your employee, to explore every avenue. If things do work out, you will have retained a loyal employee. And if they don’t, you’ll know you gave it your very best shot.

Good luck to both you and Sam.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior director for a large multinational organization.

I am good at what I do, my employees love working for me, and I’ve always received good feedback from my boss. At my last review, though, I didn’t get the promotion to VP that I expected. My boss told me she didn’t think I was strategic enough with my hires and that I was too easy on my people.

I developed a plan to address the feedback, got my boss to sign off on it, and I was feeling pretty good about it.

Since the meeting with my boss, I have:

1. let go of two people who were never going to be quite right for the jobs they were in—and had already been on performance plans for too long;
2. given people some hard feedback and created development plans for them; and
3. asked some other folks who were slacking to take on a few more responsibilities.

Well, wouldn’t you know—they all went running to my boss to complain about what a “meanie” I am. Now my boss is coming down on me for doing exactly what she told me to do!

Can’t Have It Both Ways

Dear Can’t Have It Both Ways,

You are right. You can’t. It is really hard to get the right people in the right seats and have them all fully engaged and living up to their full potential. But don’t quit now. You know what I am going to say: sit down with your boss and ask her exactly how she would have had you proceed differently. But given the way she reacted, it is pretty clear that you ultimately are on your own.

So the ones you really need to talk to are your people—who, by the way, are in shock because their big, soft, teddy bear of a boss has all at once turned into a performance hound. Have an all-hands-on-deck meeting. Share with everyone the context for what is going on. Tell them the organization perceives you as too soft and you realize you have allowed less than stellar performances. Ask them what they think you should do—what they think you should all do. Tell them your goal is to have each person be exactly the right one in the right job, loving their work and challenged just enough but not too much. Tell them you erred in the past by being too nice and you want to learn how to balance being a kind person who values performance—one who is tough but fair. Involve them in the problem they all colluded with you in creating. The self motivated top performers will be excited and will participate. And the ones who prefer to blame and criticize will—well, they’ll blame and criticize. Who do you want on your team?

Challenge your team to have the hard conversations. Listen when they come and talk to you. Empathize with their points of view and become articulate in advocating for your own. Make a direct request to your people to work with you on the plan and to support you in executing it.

Stay strong. You will get through this and you will be the more effective leader for it. And who knows, you might just get that promotion.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

As you’ve probably noticed, the political situation in the US has gotten completely out of hand, with presidential candidates running amok. I don’t know what your political opinions are, but I am hoping you can help me with my untenable situation.

Both my boss and one of my direct reports are super, emphatically, enthusiastically—let us go so far as to say insanely—supporting one political candidate whom I find repugnant. In the past we have had witty repartee about politics, but nobody has a sense of humor about this anymore. It is beginning to feel personal; almost dangerous.

Yesterday, I was standing in the hallway and saw my boss pass my employee’s cubicle. They laughed about some new development and high-fived each other. My boss caught the look of horror on my face.

I am actually worried about my job now. What can I do?          

—Surrounded

Dear Surrounded,

Well, I guess it is too late to warn you to strap on your seat belt. We knew it would be a bumpy ride, but who saw this crazy fun house ride coming? On the other hand, I have been listening to the new musical Hamilton, which has drawn my attention to the fact that political opponents used to challenge each other to duels, which often ended in a death. Did you know that in 1804, US Vice President Aaron Burr shot and killed US Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton in a duel? They had been lifelong friends and colleagues. I find this remarkable. So, as nutty as current affairs may feel, we have actually come a long way.

Are you really worried about your job? Because if you are serious, you should probably have a chat with HR and start documenting every event that makes you feel unsafe. You could have a hostile workplace on your hands. At the very least, HR could deliver a warning to your boss.

But to answer your question “What can I do?”—it is an age-old adage that you should never talk about politics or religion in polite social company. This is your opportunity to practice extreme self-regulation. This means:

1. Keep your mouth shut.
2. Find and maintain your sense of humor. Just because nobody else has one doesn’t mean you can’t.
3. Absolutely refuse to take any of it personally. Develop a mantra—something like This is not personal—that you can repeat to yourself when you start feeling hot under the collar.

It’s hard to do this when you care as much as you obviously do. But taking the high road will make you feel like the better person. Perhaps you could channel all of that passion into volunteering for your candidate.

And for goodness’ sake, VOTE!

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a very high profile not for profit. It is my first job and although I have been promoted twice in two years, I am still very young.  I mention this because although I have a couple of direct reports now, and have a lot of responsibility, my boss still doesn’t see me as credible in some ways. 

Here is the situation. About nine months ago my boss hired a marketing consultant—let’s call her Annette.  She is supposed to be an expert on millennials and marketing using social media.  She is constantly setting up meetings to brainstorm, but never actually does anything as far as I can tell.  She was recently given a quarter time of one of my direct reports who is being driven crazy because she has no idea what she is supposed to be doing and keeps coming to me for direction. 

Marketing is not my area and I have no idea what to tell her.  But her precious time, which I could actually use to do something tangible, is being wasted. My boss waxes on about how innovative Annette is and what great work is being done, but nothing is actually happening.  I try to point this out but am immediately shut down.  We are a small, strapped organization and it is killing me to see our resources go down the drain this way.  How can help my boss see that this consultant is full of hot air and a total waste of our precious time and money?  I feel like the little kid in the story about The Emperor’s New Clothes!

Dear Little Kid,

It is so frustrating when you can see things no one else can see.   And this case is a classic! I have worked with many consultants who are full of good ideas but fall short when it comes to execution.

My initial instinct here is to warn you away from trying to point out to the powers that be that the emperor actually has no clothes.  It sounds like your boss has a vested interest in Annette. Maybe they are friends and you have no way of knowing.  But experience tells me that in a situation like this, the person with the least amount of power will lose.  So reign in your need to be right and focus on helping your direct report.

Since you are technically the manager of the direct report, request a meeting with Annette to clarify the goals, metrics, and time frames for tasks.  If Annette refuses to meet, or refuses to set clear goals, document it and move on.  When your direct report complains that she has no idea what she is supposed to do, send her back to Annette or tell her to just stay focused on tasks that are clear to her.

It isn’t your fault if Annette doesn’t get results from the time she has been allotted.  Just keep your head down and wait for other people to notice what is obvious to you.  It will probably take longer than you want, but I can pretty much guarantee that it will happen—eventually.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

An out of balance ego doesn’t feel dramatically different from one that is in balance, explain authors David Marcum and Steven Smith in their book, Egonomics—and that’s why it trips up so many leaders.

That’s because ego can take your strengths and subtly change them into “close counterfeits”—weaknesses that actually mimic those same strengths. When this happens, everything seems a little self-serving. Qualities that people appreciate about you, such as being able to come up with an alternative viewpoint, objectively comparing your point of view to someone else’s, brainstorming good ideas, or seeking and welcoming feedback—things that make you a good team member—begin to tilt slightly toward your own best interests.

In his best-selling business book How the Mighty Fall, Jim Collins explains how some of these subtleties can change the way teams operate once ego—which Collins expresses as hubris—sets in. The result is behavior that is defensive, self-promoting, comparative, and resistant to new ideas. See if you recognize any of these behaviors starting to creep into your team dynamics:

According to Collins, in teams on the way down:

1. People shield those in power from unpleasant facts, fearful of penalties and criticism for shining light on rough realities.
2. People assert strong opinions without providing data, evidence, or a solid argument.
3. Team leaders have a very low question-to-statement ratio, avoiding critical input or allowing sloppy reasoning and unsupported opinions.
4. Team members acquiesce to a decision but don’t unify to make the decision successful—or worse, they undermine it after it’s been put into place.
5. Team members seek as much credit as possible for themselves, yet do not enjoy the confidence and admiration of their peers.
6. Team members argue to look smart or to further their own interests rather than arguing to find the best answers to support the overall cause.
7. The team conducts “autopsies with blame,” seeking culprits rather than wisdom.
8. Team members fail to deliver exceptional results and blame other people or outside factors for setbacks, mistakes, and failures.

Has ego taken a foothold in your team meetings? Awareness is a good first step. To learn more about addressing ego on a personal and organizational level, be sure to read Egonomics and How the Mighty Fall. Both books are highly rated and will provide you and your team with insight and action steps for bringing egos back into balance.

A very accomplished friend and colleague of mine presented for our table group and when she sat down the first thing she did was ask us, “How’d I do? Was that okay? Did it make sense? I didn’t make a fool of myself, did I?” (Okay, she actually said, “I didn’t look stupid, did I?)

Well of course she did just fine, it was better than okay, it made sense and, no, she didn’t make a fool of herself. Nor did she look stupid. We all chuckled and didn’t think much of it. But apparently, it was a bit more serious to her.

During the break, which followed shortly after her presentation, she told me she’d seen a snippet of the commencement speech Oprah Winfrey made at Harvard this year (May 30, 2013). Oprah talked about one thing her interviewees had in common: one of the first questions they asked when the interview was over was a version of “How did I do? Was that okay?” Interestingly, this question cut across all categories represented by her interviewees—Heads of State, business moguls, entertainers, criminals, and victims alike. They all wanted to know: “How did I do? Was that okay?”

I was so intrigued, I went online and read the entire speech. Oprah said the common denominator she found in every interview is that people want to be validated. People want to be understood, “I have done over 35,000 interviews…and as soon as the camera shuts off everyone always turns to me and they all want to know: Was that okay? Did you hear me? Do you see me? Did what I say mean anything to you?”

Think about these questions being in the minds of people you encounter—people in your community, in your workplace, and at home. In some ways the nature of the relationship doesn’t matter and in other ways the more intimate that relationship, the more important the answers to these questions become.

Was that okay? / Do you see me? / Did what I say [or do] mean anything to you?

The world is full of messages that tell us we’re not okay. All the devices we use to stay connected disconnect us in so many ways. Take the opportunity to let someone know that they’re better than okay; you know they’re there; and yes, what they say and do does mean something to you.

Never underestimate the power of validation.

About the author:

Ann Phillips is a Senior Consulting Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies where she specializes in consulting and keynoting on customer loyalty, employee engagement, leadership, organizational change, and team building.

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Here’s a question I have asked in numerous workshops over the past few months: How many of you have had formal training in listening?

It never fails to stun me when only about 10 percent of the attendees raise their hands. Listening is such a critical skill—and yet so few have been trained in how to do it. Here is a short course.

What does it mean to really listen?

Dictionary.com defines the word listen as follows:

lis·ten [lis–uhn] verb

1.  To give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing

2.  To pay attention; heed

Yes, it means to hear; but it also means to pay attention—with our ears, our eyes, and our hearts.

Listen to more than the words

True listeners look beyond the words themselves—they search for meaning in the speaker’s tone and body language. This is especially important when the communication has an emotional component.

A study done by Dr. Albert Mehrabian at UCLA looked at the degrees to which emotional messages are sent through words, tone, and body language. Regarding the true meaning of an emotional message, Dr. Mehrabian found:

• 7 percent of meaning is in the words that are spoken
• 38 percent of meaning is in the tone of voice—the way the words are said
• 55 percent of meaning is in facial expression

If what we are hearing is different from what we are sensing from the tone or the facial expression, guess which one is correct! 

Show You Are Listening

Part of really listening is responding in a way that shows the other person we are paying attention. We can demonstrate we are truly listening in four different ways. For example, if a coworker comes to you and complains about their micromanaging boss, you could show you are listening by:

• Reflecting back the content

Example: As you see it, your boss is micromanaging you…

• Reflecting back the feeling

Example: So you feel frustrated because…

• Reflecting both content and feeling

Example: You feel frustrated because your boss is micromanaging you…

• Being silent and attentive

A helpful phrase to show you are listening might be:

So you feel ___________________ because ______________________.

Other helpful phrases might include:

• You seem…
• You sound…
• What I’m hearing is…
• As you see it…
• Tell me more…
• Is there anything else…

Not only is listening to others a key life skill, it can also have a tremendous impact on building trust in a relationship. When we take the time to listen, we show the other person that we care—that we are interested in understanding their perspective. That can go a long way toward building, or rebuilding, a relationship.

“The purpose of life is to listen – to yourself, to your neighbor, to your world and to God and, when the time comes, to respond in as helpful a way as you can find …  from within and without.”          ~ Fred Rogers

“A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something.”               ~ Wilson Mizner

About the author

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.

You demonstrate you are fully present by the use of attending behaviors. One of the simplest ways to learn these attending behaviors is to observe others who model these behaviors. Think of someone in your life who makes you feel as if they are fully present during conversations. What do they do? Please share in your comments.

The movie Dead Poets Society contains a critical scene in which Robin Williams’ character, Mr. John Keating, gets a visit from Neil, a young man in his English class who comes to him with a problem. I encourage you to rent this movie and watch how in this scene Mr. Keating beautifully models the following attending behaviors:

• As Neil comes into his office, Mr. Keating stops what he’s doing and gets up from his chair.
• He makes his guest comfortable by getting him a cup of tea.
• There is an appropriate distance to show interest—but not too much interest. Personal distance is cultural, but you can tell if a person is uncomfortable.
• He squares up. By facing the person directly, you show your focus is on them.
• Mr. Keating gets the conversation started but then stops and listens.
• He makes good eye contact throughout the conversation.
• He lets his emotions show without calling attention to himself when he observes the young man’s pain.
• During pauses, he remains focused while waiting for Neil to continue. Note that Mr. Keating doesn’t look like he’s thinking about what he should say next.
• He leans in. Leaning back can appear defensive, evaluative, or disinterested.
• While you can’t see it in the frame, you can tell from Mr. Keating’s posture that his arms and legs are uncrossed. This is a universally recognizable sign of openness.
• When there is a good opportunity to say something, he asks a question rather than immediately handing out advice.
• He keeps his comments short and to the point.
• Mr. Keating keeps his voice down—not monotonous, but without dramatic fluctuations in tone or pitch. A voice that is higher pitched than one’s normal voice denotes tension. A lower tone is calmer. Calm is good. In fact, he becomes even quieter when things get emotional, but he never loses focus.
• He waits for the answer. Note that he doesn’t make a point until the answer comes back empty.

Demonstrating that you are fully present is critical to challenging conversations. Not only does it show that you are interested and that you care, it also provides you with a wealth of information from the other person’s nonverbal behaviors—body language, facial expressions, and tone. It involves engaging both your eyes and your heart in the conversation.

About the author

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  This is the third in a series of articles on Challenging Conversations.  For more on this subject, be sure to read John’s first two posts, Preparing for a Challenging Conversation  and  6 Ways to Get Rid of Emotional Baggage BEFORE a Challenging Conversation.

Here are a few creative ways to get the emotions out. Any number of these may work for you—so pick one you like, or try them all.  (Preparation is also important—if you could use some help in that area, see my earlier post on Preparing for A Challenging Conversation.)

Fast Writing

This is a 30-minute “brain dump” in which you simply write down anything and everything that comes to you. This stream-of-consciousness style keeps you from making a real discourse out of your thoughts, and frees you to just “get the emotions out,” regardless of how incoherent they may be. Most authors suggest doing this writing longhand as opposed to on a keyboard. The purpose is to clear your mind.

Write whatever your head says and don’t edit yourself. If you go blank, write dots on the page until something comes into your head, and then write whatever shows up. Keep writing. Then, when you’re done, throw it away. Physically destroy the paper. Sometimes the more physical action feels more “real.” Burn the paper, if it helps.

The process is the important thing, not the product. The point is to do something that gives you enough relief that you can have the conversation without the distraction of strong emotions that you haven’t addressed yet.

Email to No One

This is similar to fast writing in that you won’t be keeping it, but here you are writing the email intentionally and specifically—as if you were saying all the hard things you need to say to this person or telling your best friend how you feel. Having those thoughts and feelings out where you can look at them helps dissipate the emotional impact of them. It may also clarify any still-foggy areas.

IMPORTANT: Make sure you don’t put anyone’s address in the “To:” box!

The good thing about email is that if you don’t save it, and you don’t send it, it goes nowhere. Once you’re done writing and you feel some relief, delete the email permanently. Then when you have the actual conversation, you can set these feelings aside, knowing you’ve already gotten them out and dealt with them.

Journaling

When you can take the time to write down your thoughts on paper, sometimes they become clearer. Even a little bit of this can be useful. The difference between journaling and fast writing is that the journal is intended for future review. You may find it useful to reflect later on what you were thinking before the conversation and how things changed afterwards.

Your journal entry doesn’t have to be shared with anyone. This can be especially helpful for more introverted people who really aren’t comfortable letting others in on their personal thoughts and feelings.

Talking to a Trusted Friend

All of us get by with a little help from our friends. This is one of those things a good friend can do for you. Make sure the friend isn’t entangled in the issue you need to talk about—just someone you trust to help you get your emotions out without judgment. What you need is a chance to work things out verbally. If you want advice, that’s fine, but if it’s not useful at this point, let your friend know what you need before you start.

A Picture Paints a Thousand Words

Even if you believe you have no artistic talent, making a picture of what you’re feeling can go beyond trying to talk about it. You may just be scribbling, but you can express your feelings deeply by scratching out lines or painting colors on a receptive surface. If it feels dark, make it dark. If it feels sharp and angular, make it sharp and angular. You can make it look angry, hurt, frustrated, afraid, concerned—whatever you’re feeling.

Then, when you’re done, once again, leave your emotion there. Now you can set the art aside, or destroy it—whatever feels best.

Physical Activity

Lots of people feel great emotional relief when they do something physical. A good workout can help clear your head before a difficult conversation. Go for a run or a bike ride, or shoot some hoops. Swimming always helps me clear my head.

I hope these ideas have helped. What other ideas do you have to let go of the emotional baggage prior to having a challenging conversation?

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of each month.

I think that needs to change. Leaders need to use the “F” word more. Much more.

I used to be afraid of the “F” word until I learned better. Now I find myself using the “F” word whenever I get the chance. Here are four reasons why it’s important for leaders to use the “F” word – feelings – in the workplace (you didn’t really think I was talking about that “F” word, did you?!):

1. It recognizes reality – People don’t check their feelings and emotions at the office door. Every one of your employees is a walking, talking, bundle of thoughts and emotions that affect the way they “show up” at work. Even though every manager in the world wishes that people kept their personal lives at home and didn’t bring their issues to work, that’s just not realistic. Everybody, including you and me, have issues in our lives that affect our work performance. Maybe it’s a sick child, an ailing parent, marital problems, financial pressures, <insert challenge here>, you name it – we all have ups and downs in life. Effective leaders have learned to be emotionally intelligent and understand the need to manage the whole person, not just the faceless/mindless “worker” that shows up to do a job.

2. It builds trust – There is no more important leadership competency than building high-trust relationships. There is very little chance for success in the leader/follower relationship without a solid foundation of trust. One of the core elements of a trustworthy relationship is “connectedness.” People trust you when they know you care about them as individuals and not just workers being paid to do a job. Acknowledging emotions, maintaining open communication, and recognizing/rewarding people for their accomplishments are key behaviors in building trust. You can’t build trust without using the “F” word.

3. It fosters engagement – Research has shown there are 12 primary factors in creating passionate employees at work. By “passionate” I mean engaged employees that are willing to be good corporate citizens, perform at high levels, and devote their discretionary energy to accomplishing their goals and those of the organization. Two of those 12 factors are relationship-focused: connectedness with leader and connectedness with colleagues. Like the theme song from the old TV sitcom “Cheers” says, “You want to go where everybody knows your name.” People need rewarding interpersonal relationships with their coworkers to be fully engaged on the job. Employees also want and need a supportive and personal relationship with their boss. Of course this varies by personality types and other factors, but everyone wants to have a positive and productive relationship with their leader. You have to talk about feelings if you want to have engaged employees.

4. It helps manage stress – People need an appropriate emotional outlet at work to share their concerns and frustrations. There needs to be a “safe zone” where people can voice their feelings without fear of recrimination, and in order for this to be possible, there has to be a high level of trust. Admittedly this can be scary. If there aren’t proper boundaries in place, venting can quickly turn into gossiping, whining, complaining, and general negativity. That’s why I think it’s important for leaders to take charge on this issue and create a culture where their people feel safe in coming to them to share these concerns. People are going to vent about their frustrations whether the leader chooses to be involved or not. Why not be purposeful about creating a system, process, or structure to positively channel these feelings? (Oops, there I go…using the “F” word again.)

The world at work has changed dramatically over the last 25 years. The “F” word used to be off-limits. Everyone understood that a person showed up for work, punched the clock, did their job, punched out, and went home. There was no namby-pamby talk about feelings, engagement, well-being, or happiness at work. You want to be fulfilled? Get a hobby outside of work. That will fulfill you.

Nowadays there is much less separation between a person’s personal life and work life. Technology has blurred the boundaries between those areas and it’s created new dynamics in the workplace to which leaders have to adapt. Whether you like it or not, leaders have to know how to deal with feelings in the workplace. Get used to it, you’re going to have start using the “F” word more. Much more.

Randy Conley is the Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts appear the last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

Alexa took her current post in 2010.  That year she led her group to earn Best Retail Operation for the region, going from worst-to-first in a single year.  Along with a public award, Alexa received a “Far Exceeds” rating on her annual performance appraisal.

Unfortunately, at the time of her next review, Alexa’s group was slightly below its Key Performance Indicators (KPI) targets and so her boss rated her performance as only “Meets Expectations.”  It turned out to be a case of poor timing as the group rebounded and by year’s end had once again won Best Retail Operation.

An important and tangible difference

For Alexa, the difference between “Meets Expectations” and “Far Exceeds” was important—and tangible.  In her company, a rating of Far Exceeds meant the employee had a greater chance of a promotion in the next 12 months, a greater opportunity to participate in juicy cross-functional projects that C-level executives track, and a larger base salary and bonus package for the coming year.

Alexa’s boss apologized for the 2011 rating and said he would make it up to her in the 2013 review.  Unfortunately, the damage was done; Alexa interpreted her boss’s decision as unfair given her history of taking a last place group to first place in less than a year, and then repeating that high performance.  Her boss said nothing could be done.

The impact of that interpretation was that Alexa went from being highly interested and innovative in her role to being more or less disinterested—just going through the motions.  She said, “You rate me as Meets Expectations, and I will meet expectations.  Nothing more.”

Leading with Optimal Motivation

When  talked with about  this, Alexa was immovable, so deep was the sense of betrayal.  In considering ways to help her, a purely rational, left brain, traditional business analysis of this situation would have us evoking some version of the Nike slogan—Just Do It.  In other words, “Alexa, change your attitude, accept your boss’s apology,  and get back to it.”

But, that’s probably a fantasy at this point.  Alexa now perceives the performance management system as unfair, so she feels hurt by it and wary of it.

Our Optimal Motivation process suggests a different approach.  Instead of suggesting that she just get over it, we would recommend that Alexa’s leader’s work would be to address how Alexa feels, and  to help her reconnect with her passion for delighting customers, her passion for making the workplace amazing for her employees, and the important financial and competitive contribution her group makes to the welfare of the entire organization.  Her manager, then, would be engaging with Alexa in a series of Motivational Outlook Conversations.

What Would You Do?

That’s our approach (and we would be happy to talk with you more about that) but for now, let’s make this interactive.

• What would you do to help Alexa return to the proverbial sunny side of the street?
• How would you engage her manager?
• What changes do you think her manager would want to make so that she or he is successful with Alexa?

Use the comments feature.  It would be great to hear your thoughts and how you would address this situation.

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.

That’s a limiting perception. The job of managing people includes managing roles, goals, and day-to-day performance. Redirection is a part of that process.

In some ways it’s like flying airplanes where flight plans are set and frequent corrections in the air keep the airplane on course. The goal is a smooth flight that will arrive at the desired destination safely. But a surprise bout of turbulence may force the plane to change altitude to find smoother air space.

The same is true in the workplace. We all hope for a smooth ride in the course of achieving our goals but people sometimes experience turbulence and need “in-flight” corrections, too. This type of correction is what I call redirection.

A Closer Look at Redirection

A redirection is used for learners in a “can’t do” situation, not in a “won’t do” situation. With constantly evolving priorities, technology, and demands, many a worker is learning something new every day. Add in unclear vision, goals, or roles, and a worker can fall behind or make mistakes.

How should a new manager approach a person who needs redirection? Ken Blanchard shares a five-step process in his bestselling book, Whale Done! The Power of Positive Relationships.

Here are Ken’s five steps for redirection:

1. Describe the error objectively, without blame and without drama.  Example: “Your report was two hours late.” No eye-rolling, desk-pounding, or sarcasm. Just the facts.
2. Describe the negative impact of the error.  Example: “As a result, I had to cancel an important meeting because I did not have the data I needed in time.” Again, no emotion. Just the facts.
3. If appropriate, take the blame for not being clear.  Example: “I was giving you a lot of direction about several projects at once. Perhaps I wasn’t clear about the absolute deadline for your report.” This is an important step and can be a powerful, face-saving, loyalty-building action to take. It’s entirely possible that a new manager was not clear or specific enough.
4. Go over the task or goal again.  Example: “To be sure that I am clear this time, let me review with you what I need and when I must have it. I need….” It’s important to give very specific information and also to get agreement that what you are asking for is possible.
5. Express continued trust and reaffirm your belief in the person’s abilities.  Example: “Now that we have talked about this, I’m sure we’ll have no problem next time.” People need to know that an error will not permanently taint them.

It’s normal to occasionally get off course—especially when you are learning a new skill or taking on new goals and projects. Redirection is a natural part of the process even though it can be uncomfortable at times.  As Winston Churchill said, “I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught.”  When a correction is required, this 5-step redirection can get things back on track.

About the author:

Cathy Huett is Director, Professional Services at The Ken Blanchard Companies.  This is the third in a series of posts specifically geared toward new and emerging leaders.

Most challenging conversations are more effective when we take the time to prepare for them. I’d like to suggest five things you can do to be better prepared to guide your next challenging conversation to a successful outcome.

Gather the relevant information.

First of all, collect the relevant information pertaining to the topic of the conversation—the who, what, and why. Ask yourself:

• Who do I need to talk to?
• What is the problem?
• Why might this problem be occurring?

Envision the desired outcome.

Imagine the best possible outcome. If the conversation goes well, what will be the result? Be specific as you visualize this. Being keenly aware of your intentions will make preparation easier—and keeping those intentions in mind will guide the conversation in the direction you want it to go.

Anticipate the other person’s reactions and your response.

Think about ways the other person might react to the conversation to guard against the possibility of being blindsided by their words or actions. If you have considered their probable reactions and determined how you will best respond , you will be ahead of the game. Remember, though, that you can’t predict every reaction—even from someone you know well.

Pay attention to logistical issues.

The environment surrounding a difficult conversation can affect its outcome. A bit of forethought and preparation can have a significant positive impact. Here are some best practices for handling the logistics of the conversation.

• Schedule more than enough time – 30 minutes more than you expect.
• Hold the conversation in a private, safe, neutral location if possible.
• Make sure you will not be interrupted.
• Turn all phones and devices off.
• Have tissue available if tears are a possibility.
• Have a glass or bottle of water handy.
• If the conversation is with a direct report, be prepared to give the person the rest of the day off if needed—and do not have the conversation at the end of the day on Friday.

Decide if the conversation is worth having.

Note that I put the decision about actually having the conversation last.  Sometimes you find that the conversation itself is not as important as the deliberations you went through to prepare for it. What you really needed was to sort out your own thoughts and feelings. After all of your preparation, if you determine that you don’t need to have the conversation, you will lose nothing by changing your mind.

What other ideas do you have for preparing for challenging conversations?

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of each month.

In a special presentation on The Leader’s Guide to the Executive Brain Homan-Blanchard will be sharing the latest findings from neuroscience research and its impact on leader behavior.

You’ll learn:

• The Six Surprising Truths about Your Brain—find out what your brain needs for optimal functioning, what stresses it, and how to manage situations when you are overwhelmed or exhausted.
• Seven Laws of Extreme Brain Care—how you can arrange your workday to make better decisions and achieve new levels of self-control.
• Creating the Brain-Friendly Environment—the six critical dimensions that must be managed to help you—and your people—fire on all cylinders.

The webinar is free and seats are still available if you would like to join over 800 people expected to participate.

Immediately after the webinar, Madeleine will be answering follow-up questions here at LeaderChat for about 30 minutes.  To participate in the follow-up discussion, use these simple instructions.

Instructions for Participating in the Online Chat

• Click on the LEAVE A COMMENT link above
• Type in your question
• Push SUBMIT COMMENT

It’s as easy as that!  Madeleine will answer as many questions as possible in the order they are received.  Be sure to press F5 to refresh your screen occasionally to see the latest responses.

We hope you can join us later today for this special complimentary event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.  Click here for more information on participating.

The Power of Autonomy

In complementary terms used in the Optimal Motivation program, when we experience high quality autonomy at work (as well as relatedness and competence), we are more likely to be more creative, more positively energetic (as opposed to relying on stress energy) and more easily focused on accomplishing any task or goal, no matter how short-term, tactical, and mundane—or long-term, strategic, and magnificent.  While leaders repeatedly report they want such creativity and focus from employees, employees repeatedly report how difficult leaders often make it for employees to feel those things.

For example, during a recent keynote presentation, several frustrated participants offered detailed examples of policies, procedures, and both overt and tacit cultural rules that make it difficult for them to feel free, creative, and positively energetic as persistently as the work demands.  Nonetheless, a traditional leader response to such frustration is to tell the employees to stop complaining and adjust in some way so they feel less frustrated.  Of course, by all means let’s all learn how to source our own sense of autonomy no matter what we are faced with.  As if on cue in that conversation, one participant made precisely that a point by citing Viktor Frankl’s experience in a concentration camp as evidence of the kind of transcendence that is possible even in the most extreme environments.  It’s a story to live by, to be sure.

Leaders Stepping Up

But, I think we also should be talking about the extent to which managers and executives actively step up to the challenges of changing policies and procedures—and organizational systems—that foment such frustration.  Too many executives take a “deal with it” stance, rather than a stance of “let’s look into how we can modify or change this so you don’t have to spend so much mental and emotional energy coping with it like that anymore.”

Willing executives could see such a response as adding moral substance to their leadership, since it would shift from focusing only on what the executives want from employees (to just deal with it and get on with the work) to focusing more on what they want for their employees (a work environment that makes it easy for employees to autonomously commit themselves to meaningful, high quality, and high volume work.)

Leader, Would You Like to Shift?

Blanchard research shows that employees generally respond positively to this leadership upgrade with greater intentions to work at above average levels, to endorse the organization, and to stay with the organization longer.  So, with such employee and organizational advantages, managers and executives, what have you got to lose?

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

“It’s where we choose our behaviors and then act according to how we choose. But in order to keep our brain operating effectively for ourselves, we have to keep our prefrontal cortex nourished and well-rested,” explains Homan-Blanchard.

“Our prefrontal cortex is a resource hog in terms of glucose and rest. Its performance is also impacted by hydration, exercise, and sleep. In some ways it’s like a gas tank. Every decision we make—from the mundane to the most critical—uses up a little bit of gas.”

“That’s why it is so important to know yourself and know how to schedule certain kinds of activities when your brain is going to be at its best. You want to schedule planning, brainstorming, and other creative activities while your brain is fresh. What you don’t want to do is schedule a meeting or a challenging conversation where you’re going to have to use a lot of self-control at the end of a brutal day.”

The one time when no answer is the best answer

Roy Baumeister, professor of psychology at Florida State University and co-author of the best-selling book, Willpower, says that the people who are known for making the best decisions are usually considered the most well-balanced and the smartest people. But, he notes, what may be really be true about those people is that they just know when not to make to make a big decision.

Homan-Blanchard echoes that opinion and also has some advice for couples.

“You know the old adage that in marriage, you shouldn’t go to bed angry? Well, that’s wrong—especially for couples who work a lot, have kids, and have bills piling up. Having a serious discussion, and trying to reach resolution to an argument, late at night, is really a bad idea.”

So is forging ahead when someone comes running into your office demanding a big decision at 6:30 in the evening when you’re packing up and walking out the door, explains Homan-Blanchard. “The only decision for a leader to make in that position is to wait until the morning, because, chances are, you are not capable of making a good decision in that moment. Unless you’ve previously thought about it, made the decision, and just haven’t reported it back, that’s different. But if you actually haven’t made the decision yet, it is unwise because it simply won’t be the best decision.”

Three strategies for better decision-making

For leaders looking to improve the quality of their thinking and decision making, Homan-Blanchard recommends a couple of strategies.

1. Set limits. Identify your best times for creative, innovative, and challenging work situations. Create, protect, and utilize those times for your most difficult tasks.
2. Create processes and routines. The more routine that you can create for yourself, the more “gas” you can save for other decisions.
3. Practice extreme self care. Don’t underestimate the importance of proper rest and good nutrition.

Clear, calm, well-reasoned thinking is a hallmark of all good leaders. Don’t forget the physical dimension of mental processes. Take care of your brain so it can take care of you.

To read more of Homan-Blanchard’s thinking and advice check out her complete interview here.  Also take a look at a webinar that she is conducting on April 3, The Leader’s Guide to the Executive Brain.  It’s free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Can you determine at least three important take-aways in this story from a plant manager in India who recently learned the skill of conducting Motivational Outlook Conversations?

On his first day back after his training, the plant manager noticed a Technical Service Executive in the lab having a discussion with an external contractor. While she was wearing safety glasses, the contractor was not. The manager has a no tolerance policy as far as safety is concerned and his normal response would be to call the technician to his office and in his words, “read her the riot act.”

According to the manager’s self-assessment: “I am known to blow a fuse (or two) when safety rules are flouted, however, I managed to keep my cool and decided to test my training.”

He asked the technician to his office and could see that she was worried about his reaction. But instead of leading with his dismay and disappointment, he started by explaining that he had just received some training on motivation. He shared key concepts with her. He then asked her if she thought that the rule to wear safety glasses, even when there was no experiment on, was “stupid” as there is no danger to the eyes. Did she feel imposed upon to wear safety glasses as she had no choice?

Since the technician was invited to have a discussion rather than “dressing down,” she was open and candid. She explained that she had a two-year old child and she was extremely concerned about lab safety as she wanted to reach home safe every evening. To the manager’s great surprise, she also shared that in certain areas, she would prefer even more, not less, stringent safety measures. For example, she suggested that safety shoes should be required for lab experiments that are conducted at elevated temperatures.

But when it came to wearing safety glasses when no experiments were being conducted, she just could not understand the rationale and did, indeed, resent the imposed rule. As a result, she didn’t feel compelled to enforce it, especially with an external contractor. The manager said he understood her feelings and went on to provide the rationale that the intention was that wearing glasses would become a force of habit, just like wearing a safety belt in the car.

The manager said he saw the light dawn in her eyes.

When it comes to your leadership and the motivation of those you lead, consider:

1. Self-regulation is a requirement if you want to lead differently—and better. Challenging your natural tendencies and patterns of behavior provides you with more options on how to lead. The new choices you make can be rewarding and productive for you, but especially for those you lead. As the plant manager reported: “I am sure if I had just followed my normal instincts and given her a piece of my mind, I would have been met with a hangdog look, profuse apologies, and a promise not to ever do this again. And it probably would have happened again. She would have gone away from my office with feelings of resentment and being imposed upon and I would also have had a disturbed day due to all the negative energy.”

2. Admit when you are trying something new. Be honest about expanding your leadership skills. People will appreciate your sincere and authentic efforts. Says the plant manager: “Suffice it to say that in my view, my little experiment was a success. I have since shared what I learned with many of my team members and plan to have more Motivational Outlook Conversations with them in the coming weeks.”

3. Remember that as a manager you cannot motivate anyone. What you can do is create an environment where an individual is more likely to be optimally motivated. Ask (and genuinely care about) how a person is feeling, help them recognize their own sense of well-being regarding a particular issue, and provide them with rationale without trying to “sell” it.

Other take-aways? Please share!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together  with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

Their conclusion?

“Cutting yourself off, or choosing not to focus on the people side of the equation, can—and will—be a problem that will impact your development as a leader.”

Have you inadvertently cut yourself off from your people?  Many leaders have.  It’s usually because of time pressures, or a single-minded focus on results—but sometimes it’s also a conscious choice to create “professional distance” that allows you the emotional room to make tough choices.

That’s a mistake say the Blanchards. “The best working relationships are partnerships. For leaders, this means maintaining a focus on results along with high levels of demonstrated caring.”

They go on to caution that, “The relationship foundation has to be in place first. It’s only when leaders and managers take the time to build the foundation that they earn the permission to be aggressive in asking people to produce results. The best managers combine high support with high levels of focus, urgency, and criticality. As a result, they get more things done, more quickly, than managers who do not have this double skill base.”

Don’t limit yourself—or others

Don’t limit yourself, or others, by focusing on just one half of the leadership equation.  You don’t have to choose.  In this case you can have it all.  Create strong relationships focused on jointly achieving results. To read the complete article—including some tips on getting started—be sure to check out Getting Your Team Emotionally Engaged Is Half The Leadership Battle. Here’s How To Do It

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The total program included modules around personality, values, organization vision and alignment, leadership style, high performing teams, change management, and motivation—the gamut.

This final module consisted of five one-hour-long group presentations about various aspects of their learning journey and its impact on people, process, and results. We asked about personal insights, how they applied their learning to real work, and what the human and economic impacts were of such application. And finally, in terms of their development, we asked them what they wanted to do next.

In terms of roles, the “what’s next” question revealed an array of ambitions. One wants to be CEO within 10 years. Another wants to lead the expansion of engineering capabilities in the African subsidiaries. And a third sees a future in corporate strategy with the aim of improving how global change initiatives are conceived and executed.

What was most beautiful was not the ambitions themselves, although I often feel their gravitational pull compelling me to double-check my own goals and velocity toward them. Instead, the most heartening aspect of their ambitions was how they promised to approach them.

Reduce Pressure to Go Fast

Whereas in the past, on their way to greater roles and responsibilities, these executives would have passed the pressure they received from their bosses to others in direct proportion—or even amplify it—now they realize that pressure often does more harm than good. The motivation research shows that pressure is easily internalized as a form of control, which then undermines a person’s eagerness to perform an act voluntarily and with an optimistic sense of purpose. In other words, pressure creates a negative Motivational Outlook, which slows the pace and quality of work in the moment and in the long run.

These executives also described how they helped even very senior employees build additional competence faster than before, and how those employees then displayed increased confidence that they could handle even more-complex projects. It was nice to hear, too, how the quality of their relationships improved as a result.

Executives take a lot of heat—much of it deserved—for leading as if people do not matter much. So, I decided to share this with you because I wonder what you think when you read about executives who have dedicated themselves to leading in challenging times with boldness, grace, warmth, ever-increasing skill, and maturity. How does it inspire you or catalyze new thinking about how you lead?

It was a privilege to watch these leaders commit to a truly human—and humane—approach to leading others, and to see that by actually doing it things are already improving for them and everyone around them. Sometimes it is nice to take a break and simply enjoy watching people flower and shine right in front of our very eyes. I thought you might enjoy that, too.

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together  with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

For the past several weeks (and several weeks ahead for procrastinators) managers around the world have been meeting with their direct reports to review last year’s goals, measure performance, and determine pay increases.

If you are in the middle of performance reviews with your people, here are two radical ideas inspired by a recent article Scott and Ken Blanchard wrote for Fast Company, The Best Gift Managers Can Give Their Employees This Season.

In the article, Scott and Ken identified that two of the most important ingredients missing in today’s manager-direct report conversations are growth and considering the employee’s agenda.

In some ways, that’s not surprising considering the cautious way most companies have been operating during our slow, tepid economic recovery.  “Just lucky to have a job,” has become institutionalized after four years of a weak employment picture and little or no growth in many industries.

But 2013 feels different.  There’s a small, but flickering sense of optimism in the air.  (Maybe it’s because that Mayan calendar scare is over—it is, isn’t it?)

Are you ready to move forward?  Here are three new ways of thinking.  How could you add these components into your next performance management or goal setting conversation either as a manager or direct report?

1. Think growth.  Yes, GROWTH!  It’s time.  People can only tread water for so long.  Eventually, you have to start swimming somewhere.  Developing new skills in your present job—and seeing the next step on your career path are both important factors that lead to happiness, well-being and better performance at work.  What can you add to your list of skills during the coming year?  What move can you make (even a small one) that will get you one step closer to your next career objectives?
2. Think connection. Who can help you along the way?  There is only so much that you can do on your own and left to your own devices.  We all need some help.
3. Think helping others. The late Zig Ziglar (who passed away earlier this year) was famous for identifying that, “You can get just about anything you want out of life as long as you are willing to help others get what they want.” But it has to begin with you.  Who can you reach out to this week or next?  Who can you help take the next step toward their career plans?

In their article for Fast Company Scott and Ken Blanchard share an important paradox for anyone in business to remember.  The more you give, the more that comes back to you.

Add a little bit of giving into your work conversations in 2013.  Talk about growth issues with your direct reports.  Find out how you can help.  You’ll be surprised at how much comes back to you during the course of the year.

Typically this time of year people are feeling more emotional than usual. This is an opportunity for us to bring a little peace to people that we care about and help them relax and enjoy the holiday season versus being overwhelmed by it. It is important to know that the emotion zone in the brain is the same as the memory zone.  You can leverage emotions to create lasting memories.

So, how do you bring a little peace?

P stands for Prioritize and focus. Help people (including yourself) prioritize and focus on the tasks and goals that are truly important. When people are overwhelmed they are usually taking on unnecessary tasks, producing worry that keeps their brain on spin. Creating laser-like focus reduces stress.

E stands for Energize to act. Help those around you with the one or two steps that they need to take in order to get started on their task or goal. Getting started is half the battle and task completion will increase as people just take that first step.

A stands for Acknowledge emotion. What happens when we don’t acknowledge emotions? They can get bigger and bigger and less manageable. Sometimes just the mere acknowledgement of someone else’s emotion, or even your own, can provide relief and support. Remember the last time someone did this for you and you said, “Phew, so glad to get that off my chest!”

C stands for Cherish Successes. Try to notice where others are doing things right and call it out. Listen to people and really make them feel special for who they are and what they have achieved. Cherishing success can be a wonderful gift that you can give to those around you this holiday season.

E stands for Enjoy the holidays. Don’t forget to stop and enjoy the moments and the people that matter. Be grateful for all that you are blessed with by doing random acts of kindness. Sometimes it’s the little things we can do for people that really make a difference.

So give the gift of peace! Happy Holidays!

About the author:

Vicki Halsey is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read Vicki’s posts as a part of our customer service series which appears on the first and third Thursday of each month.

Optimal Motivation

Victoria has a very special and very feisty cat that likes to be petted, but only on its head.  Miss the mark and you are likely to receive a hiss and a toothy kiss.

Gary recently rescued an equally special and feisty dog from the middle of a road near his home.  Now he is wondering how big it will get and how high the new fence needs to be.

I told about a gecko that lived under my refrigerator.

We also talked about research—and personal experience—of the effects of patient interaction with animals such as petting a dog or cat (or ferret, I suppose) on blood pressure (reduction) and mood (improvement).

Beyond the obvious suggestion to allow employees to bring their dog or cat to work once in a while (which may be impractical), I couldn’t help but wonder, what creative new programs could we create in 2013 that would bring similar health and well-being benefits?

This is where the games come in.  Jay enjoys playing Mexican Train with family and friends.  Jim and Drea enjoy bridge and pinochle.  Susan enjoys Words with Friends.  As we talked about the games we love, we talked about our heightened sense of well-being while playing them.  The benefits include intense concentration, connectedness with the people we play with, exercising our strategic skills, and feeling proud when we improve our competence.

Don’t we want these same benefits for our employees in their everyday work, too?

Influencing well-being

So, let’s get specific.  What creative new programs could you start in 2013 to help employees experience:

• A sense of passion
• Ever expanding competence
• Continual growth and learning
• Strong positive relationships, and
• A sense of pride for performing well?

Here are some things to consider as you think outside the box.  The Optimal Motivation dimensions are in parentheses:

1. Focus the program on enriching employees’ sense of well-being and enjoyment at work.  (Well-being)
2. Allow employees to opt-in, and publically celebrate all participants.  (Autonomy and Relatedness)
3. Encourage senior executives to participate alongside everyone else. (Relatedness and Competence)
4. While establishing teams or groups, minimize competition.  Make sure all teams are cross-functional only, with no teams by single roles, ranks, divisions, or departments.  (Relatedness and Competence)
5. Emphasize camaraderie rather than competition.   (Relatedness)
6. If you allow a monthly Pet at Work day, structure some fun activities like Stupid Pet Tricks, or Silly Pet Uniform contest.  Keep it light and fun.  (Relatedness and Well-being)
7. Make sure to allow time in the workday for all activities.  (Autonomy and Relatedness)

Let us know what you decide and how it goes.  And as ever, we wish you energy, vitality, and well-being in all you do.

Happy Holidays.

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together  with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

Peter Drucker said the only valid purpose for a business is “to create a customer.” Yes, profits are necessary, but Drucker adds that “the customer is the foundation of a business and keeps it in existence. He alone gives employment.”

What does Wiki Answers say? According to Wiki, “the purpose of a business is to fill a need. Money comes after.”

These are all well and good. And yes, profits ARE necessary.

However, in Charles Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol, the ghost of Jacob Marley warns Ebenezer Scrooge of the perils of focusing only on profits at the expense of his responsibility to others.  He tells Ebenezer:

“Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”

So… what is the business of any leader? To make a difference in the lives of others– employees and their families, customers, suppliers, and even shareholders.  Yes, we need to ensure the organization is profitable AND do well by our fellow men and women.

During this holiday season, what can you do to demonstrate that mankind is your business? Let me know your ideas.

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of every month.

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Join trust expert Randy Conley for a complimentary webinar and online chat beginning today at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time (12:00 noon Eastern).

In a special presentation on Building Trust: 3 Keys to Becoming a More Trustworthy Leader, Conley will be exploring how leaders can improve the levels of trust in their organization by identifying potential gaps that trip up even the best of leaders.

Participants will learn:

• How to get it right on the inside first
• The 4 leadership behaviors that build or destroy trust
• The 3 keys to creating trusting relationships

The webinar is free and seats are still available if you would like to join over 500 people expected to participate.

Immediately after the webinar, Randy will be answering follow-up questions here at LeaderChat for about 30 minutes.  To participate in the follow-up discussion, use these simple instructions.

Instructions for Participating in the Online Chat

• Click on the LEAVE A COMMENT link above
• Type in your question
• Push SUBMIT COMMENT

It’s as easy as that!  Randy will answer as many questions as possible in the order they are received.  Be sure to press F5 to refresh your screen occasionally to see the latest responses.

We hope you can join us later today for this special complimentary event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.  Click here for more information on participating.

A best-selling business book (and one that I had never heard of until earlier this month) addresses a key piece of the accountability issue.  Leadership and Self-Deception was first published in 2000 and then re-issued as a second edition in 2010.  The book has sold over 1,000,000 copies since it was published and sales have grown every year since it was first “discovered” by HR, OD, and change practitioners.

What makes the book so different (and hard to describe) is that it looks at work behavior as fundamentally an inside-out proposition.  We basically act out externally what we are feeling inside.  Bad behavior externally—doing just enough to get by, compliance instead of commitment, and putting self-interest ahead of team or department goals—are justified because of the way that that colleagues, managers, and senior leaders are acting in return.

The folks at The Arbinger Institute, the corporate authors of the book, call this “in the box thinking” and they believe it is the root cause of many of the problems being experienced at work today.

Is your organization stuck “in the box?”

Wondering if negative attitudes inside might be causing poor accountability on the outside in your organization? Here are a couple of questions to ask yourself.

• Where are the trouble spots in your organization?  Where are people getting the job done but it seems to always be at minimum level of performance—and with a low sense of enthusiasm and morale?
• What are the possible attitudes and beliefs among members of that team or department that make them feel justified in their behaviors?  Why do they feel it is okay to narrow the scope of their job, focus on their own agenda, and do only what’s required to stay out of trouble—but not much more?
• What can you do to break the cycle of negative thinking that keeps people “in the box?”

Climbing out of the box

Surprisingly, the answer to breaking out of the box starts with expecting more of yourself and others. People climb into the box when they decide to do less than their best.  The folks at Arbinger describe this as “self-betrayal” and it sets in motion all sorts of coping strategies that end up with self-focused behaviors.  Don’t let that happen in your organization.  Here are two ways that you can help people see beyond their self interests.

1. Constantly remind people of the bigger picture and their role in it.  Set high standards and hold people accountable to them.
2. Second, and just as important, provide high levels of support and encouragement for people to do the right thing.  Make it easy for people to put the needs of the team, department, and organization ahead of their own.  Look at reward, recognition, and compensation strategies.  Look at growth and career planning.  What can you do to free people up to focus on the needs of others instead of themselves?

Change behavior by changing beliefs

Accountability is a tough issue to address because most people feel justified in their actions and opinions.  Don’t let your people self-justify their way into lower performance.  It’s not good for them and it’s not good for your organization.  Lead people to higher levels of performance.  Help people find the best in themselves.

In a special presentation on Motivation as a skill: Strategies for managers and employees, Facer will be sharing some of the research underlying Blanchard’s new Optimal Motivation program and workshops.  Participants will explore real-world examples and learn pragmatic strategies that can help managers and individual employees make progress in important areas such as engagement, innovation, and employee well-being. The webinar is free and seats are still available if you would like to join over 1,000 people expected to participate.

Immediately after the webinar, David will be answering follow-up questions here at LeaderChat for about 30 minutes.  To participate in the follow-up discussion, use these simple instructions.

Instructions for Participating in the Online Chat

• Click on the LEAVE A COMMENT link above
• Type in your question
• Push SUBMIT COMMENT

It’s as easy as that!  David will answer as many questions as possible in the order they are received.  Be sure to press F5 to refresh your screen occasionally to see the latest responses.

We hope you can join us later today for this special complimentary event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.  Click here for more information on participating.

Managers met with their direct reports every two-weeks to discuss issues that the direct report wanted to discuss.  At the end of six months, surveys were conducted to see if the more frequent meetings impacted perceptions.

They did, but the results were mixed.

The leaders in charge of the managers who were being studied noticed a positive change in the performance of the managers and the people who reported to them.   From the senior leader’s perspective, more frequent conversations were having a positive impact on performance and morale.

The managers who were being observed had the opposite reaction.  They scored themselves lower than they had before the experiment.  The managers felt ill-prepared and somewhat ineffective in trying to solve many of the difficult issues that employee’s were facing.

The direct reports were the last group surveyed. Their reaction?  Overwhelmingly positive.  How could this be when the managers saw themselves as performing so poorly?  Hand-written comments added by the employees provided a clue, “My manager might not have all the answers, but they listen and they try.  I’ve never felt so well-supported.”

Getting started with One-on-Ones

So why don’t more managers conduct regular one-on-ones?  The top three reasons cited most often are time, lack of perceived skills, and a lack of training.  Don’t let that hold you back from spending more time with your direct reports.  Here are three ways to get started.

1. Maintain a regular schedule.  Start off meeting at least every two weeks. The meetings do not have to be long—30 minutes is a good way to begin.
2. Remember that this is the direct report’s meeting.  Your job as a manager is to listen, support, and see how you can help.
3. Be easy on yourself.  People know that you have limitations.  You don’t have to have all of the answers to be effective.  Work together with your people to identify options, access necessary resources, and plan a course of action.

Partner with your people to provide the direction and support they need to succeed.  Working together to solve issues is a great way to build relationships and improve performance at the same time. Even if you feel that you are not very good at solving all of their issues, you’ll still be having a positive impact. Don’t wait. Begin today!

Funny thing is, senior executives make the same mistake when trying to identify what motivates their direct reports.  In separate research, Facer points to studies at George Mason University where executives emphasize external factors such as compensation, job security, and promotions while employees point to inherent factors such as interesting work, being appreciated for making meaningful contributions, and a feeling of being involved in decisions.

The assumed focus on purely external motivators keeps executives and employees looking in the wrong places when trying to identify cures to the lingering lack of engagement in today’s workplaces.  While disengagement continues to hover near 70% according to recent Gallup studies (a number relatively unchanged over the past 10 years) managers and employees continue to assume that there is little that can be done to improve motivation at work.  It seems that it is completely dependent on the economy.  In other words, when times are tough and money is scarce there is very little you can do to motivate people.

This is a false assumption explains Facer and the reality is that many people remain highly motivated—even during lean times, and even in organizations struggling to make ends meet.  It is all dependent on your motivational outlook and your perceptions of the environment you are working in.

What motivates you?

Here’s an interesting exercise to try for yourself that will allow you to replicate some of the findings cited in the research.

• Identify some of the key tasks you are working on as you finish up the year.  Be sure to write down tasks that you are looking forward to getting done as well as the ones that you’ve been procrastinating on. Don’t make the list too long.  About 5-7 items will help you see the pattern.
• What’s your motivation for finishing each task by the end of the year?  While there are actually six motivational outlooks, let’s look at two broad categories—Sub-optimal motivators (tasks you have to do because of negative consequences or promised rewards) and Optimal motivators (tasks you want to do because they are meaningful and part of a bigger picture you see for yourself and your organization).
• How many of your tasks fall into each category?  What’s your engagement level with each task as a result?

If you are like most people, you’ll find that your engagement level (and subsequent performance and well-being levels) are highest on the tasks where you see the work aligned with personal and organizational goals.  You’ll find that the tasks being done merely to avoid punishment or gain rewards are at a lesser level.

As leaders, it’s important to connect our individual work—and the work of others—to something bigger and more meaningful than just avoiding punishment and gaining rewards.  Don’t let misconceptions about what motivates you—and others—keep you and your team from performing at their best.

To learn more about Facer’s approach to motivation, be sure to read, Motivation Misunderstanding and Rethinking Motivation: It’s time for a change.  Also check out Facer’s complimentary November 28 webinar, Motivation as a skill: Strategies for managers and employees.  The event is free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

One day I noticed that Sue left at 1:30 in the afternoon without saying a word. The next day, she left at 2:00. The next, 1:30 again. I started to get a little annoyed and, despite all previous evidence to the contrary, I began to wonder if Sue was slacking off. Unfortunately, I let this go on a few more days until another employee came to me to report that Sue was leaving early each day. Now I needed to handle the situation.

I called Sue into my office and said, “I noticed you have been going home between 1:30 and 2:00 every day for the last week. Help me understand.”

Notice the language. I did not say, “I noticed you have been leaving early.” That is a judgment. I simply said what I had observed. Note that a neutral tone is critical in this type of conversation.

Sue’s response: “I’m so sorry, John. I forgot to tell you that I have been coming in at 5:00 a.m. each day for the past two weeks to let our trainers into the building and get them set up. I let Julie (our admin) know, but I forgot to tell you.”

Can you imagine how that conversation would have gone if I had assumed the bad—that Sue was slacking off and leaving early? What impact would that have had on our relationship and the trust we felt toward each other? Instead, I assumed the good— that there had to be a reasonable explanation for her behavior.

The next time you encounter behavior that does not fit what you expect—an unfriendly grocery clerk, a colleague who doesn’t return your call, a senior manager who passes you in the hall and doesn’t say “hi”—assume the best. There’s a good chance that the clerk is having a difficult day, the colleague has been so swamped they have not listened to their voice messages, and the senior manager was distracted and didn’t see you.

Give people the benefit of the doubt as you would have them do to you—a good relationship may hang in the balance.

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of every month.

We are so caught up in the “busyness” of life, that practicing Mindfulness appears antithetical to producing the results and productivity required in our roles.  Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

When you notice and are aware of what is happening without judgment, you release yourself from patterns of behavior based on past experience, your dispositional tendencies, and your prejudices that limit your response.  When you do this, you have a myriad of choices for how to respond or react.  When mindful, you are able to choose a higher quality experience from your now unlimited choices.  The benefits to your own health, success, and productivity are rewards enough.

Practicing Mindfulness

Ready to practice some Mindfulness in your own life?  Here are three ways to get started:

1. Consider an important goal, task, or situation you currently have on your priority list.
2. Notice the physical sensation in your body that occurs just by thinking about it.  Does your stomach turn, your jaw clench, your chest tighten, your forehead frown?  Do you break into a smile, have butterflies in your stomach, or feel your pulse race?  Your body notices how you feel before you do!
3. Now notice the emotion attached to the physical feeling.  Is it positive or negative?  That’s judgment.  An emotion is your opinion of the physical sensation you are experiencing.  What if you were to let go of it and simply notice?  This would present you with a myriad of more choices than the one that so automatically came to your awareness.

Ripple effect with others

Donna, a participant in a recent Optimal Motivation workshop, told me that a major action step she committed to at the end of the session was to practice Mindfulness at work.  Being a woman in a leadership role in a manufacturing environment, Donna described herself as extroverted, strong, vocal, and quick to react.  She began taking a breath before calls and meetings; rather than immediately reacting to people and situations, she observed what was happening as “data.”

Donna reported that after a month of this practice her 17-year-old daughter said to her, “Mom, you seem really different; calmer.”  Donna was amazed that her practice had filtered throughout her life and that even her teenage daughter had noticed.

I hope you will experiment with Mindfulness.  Google it.  Check out the research by Kirk Warren Brown.  Travel to India and study with a yogi.  Or better yet, join us for an Optimal Motivation session and discover how Mindfulness can help you experience greater energy, vitality, and sense of positive well-being.

About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together  with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

It doesn’t have to be this way. A key skill in managing your time (and your boss) is learning to say NO when appropriate. But, how do you say NO, especially to your boss, in a way that maintains the relationship and builds trust?

First, you need to know your commitments. In order to know when to say no, you need to know what’s on your plate. You should have a running list of all your current projects/assignments. Once you see this list of commitments, you can decide whether the new request fits into your schedule, and if it’s of high enough priority to add to your list.

The real secret to saying “NO” is to have a greater “YES” burning within you!

Next, when a request is made, take the time to listen and fully understand what is being asked and why. Then you can decide if the request fits into your schedule and your priorities.

Last, when appropriate, you need to say NO in a respectful way. Here are five strategies:

• Negotiate a later date for completion – “I would be happy to do that task. With all of my other priorities I could complete it by this date.”
• Ask how it fits into your current workload, then negotiate – “I would be happy to do that task. Would you help me see where this fits in with my other priorities?”
• Suggest someone else who might be able to complete the task for you – “I don’t have time for this at the moment. You might check with Pat or Chris.”
• Be polite, yet firm in saying “no” when “no” is your only option – “I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.”
• Pre-empt the request by keeping people informed regarding your workload and priorities.

Don’t let your work life get to the point where you feel burned out and ready to quit. Take responsibility for creating the work environment that keeps you engaged by learning to say “No” when appropriate.

Remember…

“A ‘No’, uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a ‘Yes’, merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.”

~ Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

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About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of every month.

Current research points to the benefit of employing people’s hearts as well as their hands. But to do that skillfully, managers and team leaders have to be prepared for all of the situations that occur when you truly engage people.  If you want everything that people can offer, you have to deal with everything that people will bring.

Eryn Kalish, a professional mediator and relationship expert believes that there are two keys to successfully negotiating the emotional workplace.  In an article for Blanchard’s Ignite! newsletter, Kalish identifies staying centered and open as the key skills.  But what she has been seeing more commonly is an unbalanced approach where managers and organizations go to extremes.

As she explains, “Organizations are either taking a ‘confront everything, address it, and do it now’ overly intense approach, where there is no time or space to reflect, or they are taking a ‘let’s wait and see’ tactic, in hopes that the situation resolves itself, but in reality not dealing with difficult issues until it’s way too late.”

The wait and see strategy works occasionally, according to Kalish, although most of the time things get worse. “Plus, when something is left unaddressed, there is a cumulative organizational effect where everyone starts shutting down, living in a place of fear and contraction.”

That is a huge loss, from Kalish’s perspective, because most issues in companies are resolvable.

“If issues are handled directly, clearly, and in a timely manner, something new can emerge. That’s what I see that is so exciting,” she shares. “When people normalize these types of conversations, it is amazing to see the transformations that can occur.”

Next steps for leaders

For leaders looking to get started in improving their abilities, Kalish recommends assessing where you are currently at.

“It all depends on whether you have the skills to conduct a sensitive conversation. If you have the skills, take a cue from Nike and ‘Just do it!’ See what happens. If you do not have the skills, then it is important to get additional coaching or training.

“In any case, openness and transparency is the key. Many times it helps to just be candid with staff and saying, ‘I think that we have been avoiding this and I’d like that to change’ will help.

To learn more about Kalish’s thoughts on dealing effectively with emotion in the workplace, check out Dealing effectively with emotion-filled work environments in the August issue of Ignite.  Also be sure to check out a free webinar Kalish is conducting on August 22, A Manager’s Guide to the Emotional Workplace: How to stay focused and balanced when dealing with sensitive issues.  It’s a free event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Why are managers and supervisors so stingy with their recognition?  Especially when we all know how important it is to be appreciated. As William James, one of the pioneers of modern psychology said, “The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.”

My guess is that most managers don’t realize how little praise they give employees—or more importantly, what their praise-to-criticism ratio is.

John Gottman, a Harvard psychologist who focuses on marital relations, is famous for identifying that to maintain a healthy relationship, it is important to have a praise-criticism ratio of at least 5:1.  That means five positive mentions for every negative.

How are you doing with your level of praise in the workplace?  If you’re out of practice, here are a couple of tips.

Be timely.  Here’s one time when it is okay for a manager to “shoot from the hip.”  As soon as you notice someone doing something worth mentioning, take the next step and actually call them out for it.

Be authentic.  Don’t go overboard, just honestly express your feelings.  You are not trying to “do” something, or manipulate the person or experience.  Instead, you are just showing that you noticed and appreciate what they are doing.

Be frequent.  Don’t worry that all this praising will go to their head—or that they will feel like you are overdoing it.  Remember Ken Blanchard’s experience asking thousands of people his favorite question. No one has ever said they were praised too much and they just wish their boss would cut it out. That’s not to say that it won’t seem like a lot of praising in your mind.  But remember the 5:1 ratio necessary for a healthy, positive relationship.

Don’t be stingy

Everyone loves to be recognized and appreciated for who they are and the good work they do.  (Don’t you?)  As long as it is honest and from the heart (and free of any ulterior motives) you really can’t overdo it.

Try it this week—and as an added bonus, I think you’ll find that giving others praise, recognition, and appreciation will make you feel better too!

What would happen if your direct reports “secretly shopped” you as a leader?  What would they report back?  Here’s an exercise to help you find out.  You are going to “meta-cognate” or watch yourself by designing a personal secret shopper scorecard.

Identify your ideal self

First, take a few minutes and think of your vision of yourself as a leader. On your best day—the one you would like to be recorded for the nightly news as a model for leaders everywhere—what do you see yourself doing? In interactions, are you focused on the other person? Are you listening to their world and trying to help them succeed in the important work they are doing? Do you recognize their effort and courage?  Do you help your people gain clarity around their purpose and goals? What exactly is your vision of YOU at your best?

Create your secret shopper questions

Second, reframe a few of your observations (no more than three) into your own secret shopper questions, such as:

1. To what degree did the leader use the word you versus the word I?
2. Were listening strategies used to enhance communication?
3. Was specific praise or recognition used to build the relationship?
4. Did the leader make the individual feel important?
5. Did the individual leave the interaction ready to act?

Create your scorecard

Third, create a small, written assessment that you can use to remind and assess how close you are behaving to your ideal self in your interactions with people. This self-assessment should include four items—the top three things you intend to do, your self-assessment of your success, the level of care the individual felt as a result, and the chances that they will come back again for a similar experience.  Here’s mine so you can see an example:

My Secret Shopper Leadership Scorecard

Upcoming interaction:  Discussing goals with Lisa

Three things I want to observe myself doing:

1. Taking some time at the beginning of the meeting to reconnect
2. Keeping the conversation focused on goals, tasks, and the work we need to accomplish
3. Reviewing agreements and letting Lisa know that I am available for direction and support

Self assessment of this interaction: (on a scale of 1 to 10)

Level of CARE the individual felt: (on a scale of 1 to 10)

Chance s/he will want to come back for a similar experience: (on a scale of 1 to 10)

Being your own secret shopper is a great way to begin the task of creating and becoming the leader you want to be. Use this scorecard  to purposely plan and notice yourself in action.  Self-reflect on each interaction with an employee.  Ask yourself the questions you generated and strive toward higher and higher ratings. With a little bit of practice, you’ll soon notice the impact that being “customer focused” can have on your performance as a serving leader.

About the author:

Vicki Halsey is one of the principal authors—together with Kathy Cuff—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Legendary Service training program.  Their other-focused posts appear on the first and third Thursday of each month.

Of course there isn’t a “leadership” event in the Olympics, but if there were, I think there are four essential traits, qualities, or characteristics that leaders would need to master in order to have a shot at the gold.

1. Be a trust-builder – Leadership is about relationships, and all successful relationships have one thing in common: a foundation of trust. The ability to build high-trust relationships is the most important leadership competency in the 21^st century. Our fast paced, highly networked world requires leaders to build effective relationships across time zones, countries, cultures, organizations, and stakeholders. With trust a leader has a chance. Without it they’re doomed.
2. Have a high EQ – In the old days we use to say that someone had “good people skills,” meaning they had an ability to understand people and get along well with them. Today we’ve expanded and rebranded that concept under “emotional intelligence (EQ)” which means you have a high degree of self-awareness (your motivations, beliefs, attitudes, and behavioral patterns), are able to regulate those behaviors to meet the needs of the situation, and that you are also able to perceive and understand the behavioral needs and patterns of those you lead. That’s a tall order, but it’s a critical skill for leaders if they want to be successful in managing themselves and others.
3. Be a change agent – The only constant in today’s world is change. Technology has changed the speed at which we work, and gold medal winning leaders know they have to be the ones leading organizational change. Leaders can’t afford to be caught snoozing on the sidelines when it comes to change. They need to have their finger in the air to detect changing wind conditions and then be able to respond by getting their teams on course to meet the needs of the business.
4. Be other-focused – The most successful leaders have learned that it’s not about them; it’s about the people they lead. Gold medal leaders have discovered that they succeed when their people succeed, and in order for that to happen, leaders have to recruit and hire the right folks, train them, equip them with the proper resources, and then get out of their way. That doesn’t mean there aren’t times when a command and control leadership style may be needed (you don’t form a committee to formulate recommendations on how to evacuate a burning building; you point people to the exits and tell them to get out!), but it means that people thrive on having a sense of autonomy in their work and a leader’s job is to make that happen.

If I were to equate leadership to an existing Olympic sport, I would have to say it’s like the marathon. The marathon requires stamina, endurance, dedication, and mental fortitude to finish the race, and you have to pace yourself over a great distance and time period, not just for brief intervals. Focusing on these four keys will help leaders run the marathon – go the distance – and have a good shot at winning the gold.

I’m sure you can think of many other keys that define a gold medal winner in Leadership. Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment.

This is one in a series of LeaderChat articles on the topic of trust by Randy Conley, Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit the Leading with Trust blog or follow Randy on Twitter @RandyConley.