Dear Madeleine,

It’s the new year. All my friends and colleagues are talking about New Year’s resolutions. I got nothin’.

I am plugging away at my work goals, but they don’t change much. I like my job. I am good at it. I am not gunning for a promotion. I go to the gym and eat right. I pay my bills. I stay in touch with my family. I like my friends, and we get together and have fun. I am fine with everything else in my life.

I am just questioning the obsession with constantly needing to set new goals to get better. Is it me? What am I missing?

Bah Humbug

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Dear Bah Humbug,

You’re fine. You can give yourself permission to enjoy the life you have created for yourself, which sounds very nice, indeed.

This “New Year, New Me!” time of year is a chance for people who want a change to tap into the collective psychic energy for inspiration and motivation to do something difficult. Maybe it’s something they’ve tried to do in the past and haven’t had success with.

There is no law that says you have to be constantly improving starting the first week in January. You’ll know when you are ready for a change, and it might be in June of 2027.

My point is that it will be there for you when you are ready.

Love, Madeleine

PS: For those who are resolved to make change now, here’s some advice I gave an earlier reader: Not Sure about New Year’s Resolutions? Ask Madeleine

And for those focusing on work goals, check out some advice I shared in a recent article: From Vision to Achievement: How Clear Goals Drive Performance

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing people for decades. With the advent of Covid, I put a lot of focus on getting better at managing hybrid teams. (This blog really helped me.) I have some people who come to the office and about half the group works remotely. I go in four days a week.

I have developed a reputation for being fair, working with individuals to find challenging opportunities and being flexible with work preferences. But lately I have begun to wonder if I am being too flexible, at the expense of the functioning of my team. For example, I have one direct report who has informed me that he intends to move to Australia. He just assumed I would be okay with it. I am not.

I really wish he had approached me with this as a request and not presented it as a fait accompli. I never would have approved this move. But now all the plans have been made—and if I were to say no at this point, it would cause a lot of turbulence. My biggest issue is that we already work with multiple time zones, and adding another one on the opposite side of the world is going to increase complexity. I haven’t even begun the process of talking to HR about the laws governing employment in Australia, and that worries me. This person is a good employee, but there have been some issues with accountability and entitlement. I wouldn’t mind letting him go and hiring someone new for the job.

What I really want to do is ask him if we can roll back this decision, but I worry that he only behaved the way he did because I sent mixed messages. How much of this is my fault? What can I do now?

Not OK

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Dear Not OK,

Wow, this is so relatable. As a manager, I often have erred on the side of giving people too much freedom (which is crucial to me) and have suffered similar mix-ups. I applaud your willingness to consider the part you might have played in creating the situation and your desire to take responsibility for it. But, at least from the information you provided, it does seem like your employee took some liberties.

In the blog post you mention, Real Talk About Leading Hybrid Teams, Randy Conley points out that with hybrid teams, it is even more critical to make the implicit explicit. I think that point might be the one to focus on now.

Blanchard just sent out an updated employee handbook that outlines very clearly how employees should proceed if they wish to relocate. It begins with a conversation with one’s manager to obtain explicit permission. I can only imagine that your company has something similar. So there might be a chance that your direct report ignored precise direction.

Even if you don’t have such a handbook, you are within your rights as a manager to have a serious conversation with your world traveler. It is completely fair for you to point out that you would have preferred that he consult you, rather than inform you, before making such a huge decision. It is also fair to tell him that you need to do your homework—both with HR to see if it is feasible, and with your team to see if the time difference will correspond with the team’s workflow. Finally, assuming you have talked about accountability issues already, it is fair to express your concerns about how the distance and time difference will affect this person’s ability to stay on top of his deliverables.

I appreciate your worry that your flexibility has led to a misunderstanding, but I think a line was crossed here, and you can push back. You would need to do so even if the employee were a superstar performer. It is never too late to be explicit when needed. It really is not your fault that your employee jumped the gun. And if you can’t make it work, he will reap the consequences.

Do your due diligence. Decide one way or the other if you can make this work for you and the team. Share your thinking. You can own your part in this situation but you can also insist that your employee own his. If it can work, outline the parameters of how. If it can’t—well, it might be a hard conversation.

Be clear, be direct, and be kind.

You can use this as an opportunity to get ahead of any other non-negotiables you haven’t shared with your team. Examine additional assumptions your direct reports might be making, and make the implicit explicit.

Most people crave certainty, so the more you can give them, the better.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Intern,

What do today’s interns want out of a summer internship? My company—like many others—hosts six to eight summer interns every year. I’ve been participating in the program for over fifteen years and during that time I’ve had one, two, or sometimes three interns working for several weeks in our marketing department. It’s been a good experience, and I think the interns have learned something along the way.

I’ve always tried to create an experience that does four things:

1. Provides each intern with a project they can call their own and refer to on their résumé
2. Gives them a chance to work together with other interns both in our department and across other departments
3. Introduces them to corporate culture through regular employee training or all-hands meetings, for example
4. Includes very proactive management, with high levels of direction and support from me as needed

I’ve received good feedback from the interns I’ve worked with using this approach, but I’m afraid I may be stuck with an old-fashioned sense of what an internship should look like. (Full disclosure: I’m in my early 60s.)

Could you give me some feedback on what interns are looking for these days? Where am I on track, and where do I possibly need some fresh thinking? I’d appreciate your viewpoint.

 Thanks,

Always Learning

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Dear Always Learning,

Thank you for reaching out! It’s amazing to see how much effort you put into the internship program in your marketing department. You clearly value your interns and the experience you want to create for them.

Centering interns’ experience around a project they can call their own is such a great way to get them involved and keep them motivated! Speaking from experience, I believe interns want something hands-on and fulfilling. For example, I love supporting other people, so Blanchard granted me a multitude of projects that allowed me to put my passion into practice. My only feedback for you would be to ensure each intern’s project caters to their specific professional journey. They are more likely to feel valued when their contributions are aligned with their strengths, goals, and interests. Interns are excited about and proud of their work!

You can also help your interns feel valued by seeking updates about their projects and asking how you can support them. And when they reach an obstacle (because that will happen), help support and problem-solve to get them back on track. Making them feel like an asset to the company is a great way to build up their confidence in a corporate setting and help them stay motivated.

If your interns are anything like me, they are likely worried about the next ten steps in their career. Interns want to help the company, but the experience they gain is also a driver. As you mentioned in your first point, the résumé they are trying to build is very important. An internship often is the first corporate experience someone will have. Helping your interns build their résumé with something they are enthusiastic about will improve their luck during future interviews—and increase the likelihood that they will want to continue working for your company!

I love how you encourage your interns to network and collaborate with one another! Frustration and confusion are part of the learning process, so letting them get acquainted is an amazing way to embed a support system within the company. Also, having them explore other departments is a great idea! Allowing them to see what their peers are doing and possibly assist them establishes those relationships and helps them adapt to the corporate setting.

Going off that, exposing interns to the corporate culture is such an important process. I’m glad you actively introduce them to it, because I think it’s often assumed that Gen Z is opposed to traditional corporate culture. While there are certainly aspects we seek to change, we also respect the systems in place and want to learn how to facilitate change from within them. Sometimes this means giving us opportunities to go all in! I would just make completely sure your interns feel supported during these new experiences. For instance, you might provide them with low-stakes opportunities to spend time with high performers in your department. Your interns might feel uncomfortable or nervous at first, but with your encouragement these kinds of meetings can be a great learning and networking opportunity for them!

High support and high guidance are so important! As interns (and people in general) are introduced to a brand-new set of tasks, they can sometimes get lost or discouraged. Providing guidance during this season is key for a productive environment and experience. It’s great if your interns are highly motivated, but it’s not a deal-breaker if they aren’t. A rough patch of confusion and low confidence is bound to happen, but usually people can work past it. Encouraging open communication without fear of punishment is crucial in this regard. How can someone help if they aren’t aware that something is wrong?

All this to say, I think your “old-fashioned” approach is still valid! If you want to level-up your internship program, my best advice would be to meet your interns where they are—from the beginning to the end of the program. Start by setting expectations about what the experience is going to be like, making sure to consider their personal strengths, goals, and interests. Wrap up the program by asking for candid feedback about their experience. These practices will ensure that your internship program is always evolving to meet the needs of the next round of interns!

It’s great that you and your company recognize the importance of the internship experience. The effort you are putting into the program is outstanding and sets a great example for your interns. Thank you again for reaching out and valuing their experience!

Best wishes,

Addison the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Addison Dixon, Producer Intern for Blanchard Institute.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently hired a new member for my team. She was great in the many rounds of interviews, seemed to have the skills we needed, and was unanimously the first choice of the hiring committee.

She is now about six weeks in, and I keep waiting to see the person I met in the interviews.

She has not completed any of her onboarding training. When I look in our LMS, she seems to have made it through only about 40% of some of the required modules. I have had to show her several times how our Teams site is set up (she was used to the Google Docs system), and she keeps asking questions that she would know the answers to if she had looked at the different files I have assigned to her. I can see in people’s files the last time they were opened, and she has only opened about a quarter of what I expected.

It’s like she can’t remember anything we talk about from one day to the next.

I asked her to submit a short report on all the calls she is attending with her teammates so that I can keep track of what she is picking up. She submitted one short report and then nothing. (I should have at least fifteen by now.) We meet every other day and I have brought this up several times. She assures me she is working on them. I know she has plenty of free time but I have no idea what she is doing with it.

I’m so confused. I don’t want to come down on her like a ton of bricks, but I need to get to the bottom of what is going on. I think I may have made a terrible mistake. What should I do?

Terrible Mistake

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Terrible Mistake,

Oh dear. I am sorry. It is so strange when people come across one way all through the interview process, and then turn out to be not at all what you were led to expect.

The only thing to do is tackle this head on. Share with your newbie what you expected compared to what she has managed to accomplish and ask her what is going on. The question is: “What has gotten in the way of your being able to meet these expectations in the past six weeks? Is it too much work? Is it lack of clarity? Is there something you need from me that you aren’t getting?”

She will either be honest and tell you, or she won’t. If she does, then you’ll know what you are dealing with. Much as I hate to speculate, it might help you to prepare for different scenarios.

• If something totally unexpected has happened, she might need help to arrange for a short-term leave.
• If it turns out she has no idea how to prioritize all of the tasks, you might offer to break down the tasks you expect to see completed day by day.
• If she is feeling so behind now that she has become paralyzed, you might re-negotiate her deliverables and offer a fresh start.
• If she is second-guessing her own interpretation of what a good job looks like, you can offer more clarity. Your newbie may very well need a list of what you expect laid out as daily tasks until she finds her footing.

It would be smart to involve your HR business partner if you have one. If your newbie has a learning difference and needs extra time or help, there may be provisions for that. If she is dealing with an unforeseen challenge, she may need to take some time to deal with it.

She may decline to tell you the truth about what is going on and try to head you off with more promises to catch up, so you should be prepared to not accept that. The key is for you to tell the truth as kindly as possible, without judgment or blame. It might sound something like: “Look, let’s not worry about catching up. I’m okay with letting go of the reports I asked for—those were to help you keep track of what you are learning. But I do need to see x, y, z by the end of the week. Is that something you think you can commit to?”

You will also want to be prepared to share the potential consequences if it becomes clear that she is not able to do the job the way it needs to be done. Maybe you won’t have to share those just yet; but if she commits to something you think is eminently doable and then doesn’t come through, you may have to at that time.

It sounds like you have been patient. It also sounds like she may think she can fly under the radar with substandard work. It is time to get the cards out on the table—to be clear that you are paying attention but also that you are invested in helping her succeed. But for you to help, you have to understand what is going on.

Being direct and telling the truth can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to mean “coming down on her like a ton of bricks,” It just means—well, being direct and telling the truth. Not doing that won’t serve either of you. If she is ultimately not capable of doing the job, keeping things in limbo will just make things worse.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be truthful.

Give her step-by-step instructions if you both agree it will help. Give her an out if there doesn’t seem to any help for it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a mid-level manager in a global software company. I have been working here for about ten years and I lead three teams. Right now I am working with my manager on our goals for 2024 and I can already tell that there is no way my teams are going to be able to deliver on all of them.

We have been pushing like crazy all this year with a promise that the pressure would let up at the end of the year. As it is, I have to talk someone off the ledge daily. Now I am looking down the barrel of another year of nonstop work. I feel terrible about this—like I am breaking a promise to my people.

My boss isn’t a jerk. I know she is being pressured from above. She would never say it, but I can sense the unspoken “if you can’t get this done, I will find someone who can.” There has to be some way to manage my people’s and my boss’s expectations more effectively, but I don’t know what it is.

What do you think? I am beginning to think that I can’t live with the kind of anxiety that is building up with no relief in sight. How do I manage this relentless tension?

Pressure Cooker

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Dear Pressure Cooker,

Well, this sounds like situation normal. Almost everyone I speak to is feeling this way. Here are the choices you have to consider:

• Negotiate for more (or more skilled) resources.

Carefully break down each goal into discreet tasks and estimate the time required to complete it. If you can show the math of what it will take to complete all of the required work, and how it will be physically impossible for your existing people to do it, you may be able to get more help. It is hard to argue with math.

You may get countered with “work smarter, not harder.” If you think that might be the case, be prepared to request the kind of training that would help your people to do that. (There might not be any.) With your experience, you probably know how long it should take people to do certain things—and some things just take the time they take. Doing this will also help you pinpoint if you have any team members who cannot get the work done in a reasonable timeframe. You may need to upskill or replace some folks. This can be hard, but honestly, sometimes people are in the wrong job and it isn’t doing them any favors to not address that. You can take a stand as long as you can show that you have really thought it through.

• Negotiate a reduction in distractions.

Of course I don’t know how much of an issue this is, but if your company is like anyone else’s, you and your people are probably asked to join any number of meetings that don’t contribute directly to getting the job done. Look at what those are, and do everything you can to get a few of those items off of the required list.

• Negotiate to reduce the deliverables.

This is the most obvious, and the one your boss is expecting from you. This is probably the least effective option for you at this time. However, I do urge you to check out the boss’s unspoken threat—you might be making it up. This is a classic way for people to needlessly ratchet up their stress levels. You can literally ask your boss what the consequence would be of not being able to deliver on everything.

You absolutely can and should:

• Work with your boss to prioritize.

In the spirit of wanting to under-promise and over-deliver, you can ask your boss to put each required outcome in order of priority. The hard truth is that if everything is a priority, that means nothing is a priority. I suspect your boss knows this as well as you do. So as long as you know your people are focused on the must-haves and will get to the nice-to-haves, that should help you manage your stress level.

• Work with your team to design sprints.

Since no one can go full-out all the time, work with your team leads to design one week of go-hard sprints and then one week of regular work. It isn’t a new idea, but I have seen it work well. You can read more about that here.

In the meantime, I hate to say it, but the intensity in most workplaces seems to be here to stay. You must decide whether you are going to live with it or try to find a more forgiving environment. If you choose to live with it, you have to find ways to take care of yourself and encourage the same for your people. Find one thing you can do to help you manage your stress and commit to it. Meditation, exercise, yoga—whatever has worked for you in the past. You also need to get some perspective. Breathe, do your best, remember that nobody dies in software development and that what gets done is what gets done, and be okay with that. A little perspective can go a long way.

I know it feels like you are breaking a promise, but the fact is that you have limited control over your environment. You can explain that to your people and share what you are doing to advocate for sanity. And at least now you know to be a little more cautious with your promises in the future.

Part of being a leader is choosing one’s attitude and what to focus on. This is your opportunity to do that. Your people will follow your lead.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I love my job and I am good at it. When the COVID lockdown was settling in for a then-unknown period of time and everyone in my company was working from home, my partner and I took advantage of the crisis, rented out our condo in the city, and moved to our dream location. Life was beyond perfect.

Now the CEO of my company is going hardline, insisting that everyone be back in the office at least three days a week.

It is a short flight to go to HQ, and we still have our condo. In theory, I could bunk with our renter (a relative) whenever I need to. I am in negotiation with my manager to see if I might fly in for one week a month. He is fighting for me and my request, but I am not sure if he can make it happen. Even if he does, I will have to bear the cost of travel and the disruption to my home life (there are multiple dogs involved now). On the pro side, I am getting a little lonely working from home 24/7 and would welcome seeing my colleagues again.

My problem is that our CEO said at one point that he “would never force people back to the office,” which is why we made the move. I actually have the recording of the all-hands meeting where he said it. It makes me so mad. It is affecting my motivation to even make the effort to comply. My work hasn’t suffered yet, but I can feel my resentment creeping into my attitude. Part of me feels like I would actually have a case if I wanted to sue.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

Resentful

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Dear Resentful,

I will tell you what I hear, Resentful. It sounds to me like you might enjoy going into HQ on a limited basis. So the change might be welcome at some level, but you feel betrayed by your CEO. If you started out respecting and being a willing follower of your CEO, that respect and willingness has been destroyed. The bald fact is that he is breaking his word. Your resentment is rooted in that sense of betrayal.

I think half the battle for you right now is in naming the emotion you are feeling—so if I am wrong about what it is, what is the right word? You might consider checking out Dr. Susan David’s website where she offers fine distinctions to get clarity about our emotions. Her book Emotional Agility provides a deeper dive.

Once you can truly name and express what makes this whole situation feel so impossible, you can own it and decide what you want to do about it. Maybe it’s a letter to the CEO. Maybe it is simply a lesson learned. Either way, it should help to clear the field enough for you to make a decision about whether:

1. you can release your resentment and comply with the mandate (or with whatever your manager can negotiate for you), or
2. you want to hang on to your resentment but still comply, or
3. you believe the loss of respect for your CEO is fatal and you need to move on to find a CEO who is more trustworthy to devote your work hours to.

To be fair, I don’t know a single CEO who was equipped to deal with what we all just went through. Every single one of them was making it up as they went and doing the best they could with no precedent to lean on. He probably had no idea what unintended consequences would result from what he said in a meeting.

So, ultimately, I don’t recommend option B, because, as has been pithily said by many, resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.

I can’t speak to the viability of a lawsuit. You would have to consult an attorney for that. I can, however, caution that no matter how in the right you may be, a lawsuit will drain you of any disposable income you may have and your peace of mind. You would need to have an awfully strong stomach and be prepared for it to take years.

Check in with yourself and see if you can find it in your heart to forgive your CEO. Maybe all the brilliant and good things he has done can outweigh this one error. Or maybe the scales can’t be tipped in his favor. Only you can decide that.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

In the middle of the pandemic, I took a job that I love and am good at. At the time, my boss made it very clear that the job was classified as “remote” and the deal was that I would never need to work in the office. This wasn’t just because everyone was working from home at the time; the job was classified as remote so they could hire the best person regardless of where they were located. It just so happens that I live fairly close to headquarters and presumably could go to the office if I wanted to.

Now that things have eased up, my boss is insisting that I come and work at the office. At every one-on-one meeting, he mentions that he would like to see me in the office. He has no complaints about the quality of my work and has no reason to suspect that I am goofing around instead of working; he just prefers his people to be in the office.

But that wasn’t the deal. I am an introvert, I love working from home, and I have a great rhythm in my workday that doesn’t include a 45-minute commute each way—not to mention the price of gas! I enjoy many of my colleagues and meet them occasionally for coffee or happy hour. Several of them were also originally classified as remote and some do occasionally go into the office because they are super social types who like it.

I feel that there has to be some reasonable way to push back on this constant pressure from my manager, but I don’t know how to do it without harming the relationship. I am now at a point where I am actually feeling bullied and considering looking for another job. Would appreciate any thoughts on this.

Feeling Pressured

__________________________________________________________

Dear Feeling Pressured,

A lot of managers don’t realize the power they hold or the impact of subtle little remarks. Your manager might be shocked that his nudges are having this effect on you. So if you are serious about possibly leaving, I think you need to come right out with it. You can tell your boss that you are worried about harming your relationship because you really love your job, but that the pressure being exerted on you to come into the office is becoming burdensome.

Before you do that, however, it might be wise to dig up your employment contract and make sure that you are in full command of the fine print. If, in fact, you have it right and there is no indication that your remote status is at risk due to the slow receding of Covid concerns, then you have a contractual agreement to support your position. Hopefully it won’t come to the point where you have to involve HR, but if you are clear about your contract it might highlight the fact that your boss is, perhaps inadvertently, creating a hostile work environment.

As you prepare to open the topic, consider what kind of compromise might work for you. I understand your reflexive reaction that you took the job with the understanding that you wouldn’t have to be in the office, but it might not kill you to meet your boss halfway. Perhaps he wants everyone in the office for specific kinds of meetings. Or maybe he is an extrovert who has trouble bonding with people if he can’t be with them in person. In our own business, I have heard several people who have to come in the office mention that they are lonely.

Asking some questions to really understand what is at the root of your boss’s insistence will help to frame and support your own position. You will want to avoid why questions such as the most obvious and natural one, “Why do you want me to come to the office?” Why questions tend to put people on the defensive. Open-ended questions, on the other hand, help to focus the conversation. For example: 

“What would be different if I were to come into the office?”

“What would I accomplish by coming into the office that I am not already doing?”

“Is there something you would like me to do differently that you haven’t mentioned yet?”

“Are there concerns about the quality of my work that you want to share with me?”

“What would satisfy you, if I were to come in to office?”

It might be hard for your boss to admit that your going into the office once in a while would just make him happy. It might be that simple.

Once you understand what is driving your boss, it might be easier for you to consider a small concession as a peace offering. Maybe you would be willing to show up in person at the office once a month or bi-weekly. You might ask your boss to consider paying for your gas, especially since your salary was negotiated as a remote worker. In California, where I live, gas prices are so insane that they are having a big impact on household budgets.

It will take some courage to pipe up—but really, no manager wants to find out from an exit interview that they lost a good employee over something that could have been avoided. If you aren’t confident about being good on your feet in the moment, practice what you want to say with a friend to get comfortable with your points so your emotions won’t cloud your reasoning or cause you to forget. During the conversation, listen carefully to what your boss says. Maybe even take notes and repeat back what you heard so you are sure you got it right. Take your time and breathe. Remember that, in response to anything, you can always ask to take some time to think about it.

I really hope you will be able to work this out.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was promoted to VP of sales a few months before the pandemic hit. I feel like I have been in an industrial washing machine ever since, and am just starting to come up for air. There was a lot of training at the beginning but then our entire book of business and go-to-market strategies shifted. It has been mayhem, but things are starting to settle now.

I have an amazing team. I physically moved in order to take over a new region, so all of my people are relatively new colleagues, which is nice. About two years ago, our company changed CRM (Customer Relationship Management) systems. [Note: This is the system that sales leaders and marketing use to gain visibility into prospects, contact info, opportunities/pipeline, forecasting, account plans, competitive intelligence, etc.]

The new system is fine; not any worse or better than the old one. My people have figured out how to make it work for them and comply with requirements. But there are exceptions.

One sales rep, who creates amazing relationships with his customers and crushes his quota, cannot for the life of him get his info into the system. It’s great when he suddenly brings in huge projects, but then there is a scramble to deliver on the contract. Then there’s another rep who puts everything into the system beautifully but can’t seem to get anything done other than that—and she certainly can’t close.

My boss is giving me a hard time about both of them, but very little guidance on how to get them to where they need to be. Thoughts?

CRM Conundrum

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear CRM Conundrum,

I consulted our sales leaders here at Blanchard because I thought these may be common issues that they might have some good experience with. Judd Hoekstra and Sarah Caverhill both weighed in, so I credit them for a lot of this response.

I see 3 different issues in your letter.

1. One rep who crushes the numbers but won’t comply with keeping his data current in the CRM, which causes problems for you as a boss and for others downstream.
2. One rep who is very good at CRM management but doesn’t seem to know how to actually sell.
3. A boss who isn’t very helpful.

Today let’s deal with your sales genius who can’t/won’t comply, I will do a Part 2 later to address the other two issues.

There is an old New Yorker Cartoon of a guy in his underwear, smoking a cigarette and holding a martini at the water cooler, who says to another guy, “When you’re nailing the numbers, they don’t ask questions.” I bought a print and gave to our (then) VP of sales, but he didn’t think it was as funny as I did. I guess I have a really sick sense of humor. And until the advent of the now universally used CRM, I think it was kind of true that when sales reps would hit their goals, nobody much cared about how they did it or anything else. Your sales wiz is probably a bit of a holdover from those days. There is a progression to think through on this:

Get Clear About Development Level: What is your sales rep’s development level on using the CRM? In the language of our SLII® Model, development level is a combination of competence and commitment. There is a good chance that your rep hasn’t taken the time to get good at using the CRM because he doesn’t think he has to. The personality profile of people who are terrific at initiating and building terrific relationships that inspire buyers to commit usually does not include attention to detail and compliance with what they might consider to be annoying rules. And in today’s hypercompetitive job landscape, we are asking employees to be good at many skills. Being good at just one aspect of a job is no longer enough. So let’s be clear that you are asking a chicken to climb a tree or a squirrel to lay an egg—it won’t be natural or easy.

Gain Commitment: You are going to have to work with this rep on his willingness to commit to learning, getting good at, and using the CRM. First gain commitment, then get him the instruction and support that he will need to get skilled. How to do this? Explain how important the data is, why the organization requires it, and why you need it. Then set up small, reasonable milestones to get him where he needs to be. Sarah Caverhill shared an experience she had with a rep who refused to use our new CRM:

“I told her I understood she didn’t want to do it and asked her what was getting in her way. We identified a few things like ‘I get too busy in my day to do it’ and ‘I hate it—it’s drudgery.’ I explained that we need the data to run and grow our business. (Garbage in, garbage out—you want us to provide more resources? Then you need to do your part to help us see what’s coming down the pike. You want better project manager performance? Then you need to prepare your PMs with better info. And so forth.) I asked her if she understood the importance and she said she did. I then asked her what she could do to remove the things that were getting in her way and adjust her motivational outlook. We came up with several ideas. Eventually, she settled on one idea, which was to allocate 15 minutes each morning to updating the CRM before she started work. From that time on—and we’re talking years—I never had an issue with her opps being out of date. Sometimes the information was sort of a guess, but it was reliably input and often more accurate than I had expected.”

Be Fierce with Accountability and Enforce Consequences: If your sales rep simply refuses, you have a whole other problem. It sounds like he has gotten away with noncompliance thus far and is pretty sure that if he just ignores the situation, it will go away. If that is the case, you will have to discuss it with your boss and make a decision. There is probably a historical precedent in your organization that high performers can do whatever they want (in sales, especially, this is epidemic). So you need to choose to either perpetuate that culture or shift it—now. If you choose to perpetuate it, you will agree to let your rep not comply. Be aware that this will create issues of fairness if it hasn’t already: why do some people get away with bad behavior while others do not? All humans are hypersensitive to issues of fairness and will resent you for any preferential treatment you offer to anyone. On the flip side, you will have to come up with consequences for noncompliance, for which you are willing to hold both yourself and him accountable. This sets you up to be the compliance police, jury, judge, and parole officer, which will be a massive bummer—but that’s why managers make the big bucks. Hopefully, it won’t come to that.

Any system of requirements/consequences for noncompliance will work as long as you commit to it and take action according to plan. The final result could very well be that your rep will lose his job. This is why you need your boss to have your back. And, of course, it would hurt you to lose his numbers, so you will need to figure out how to cover your loss.

Judd Hoekstra says: “This is probably one of the more draining aspects of the sales leader role, because it’s ongoing unless there is alignment on tough consequences (like losing your job) for noncompliance.”

I will cover the other two issues next week, because this answer is already too long. I will float one more idea, though: Would it make sense to pair your sales rock star with your data tracking rock star? Pair a chicken with a squirrel? Have one show the other how it’s done? Is anyone else thinking that could be a good idea? Of course, then you would have a potentially fraught compensation formula to calculate.

Isn’t sales leadership fun? I admire all of you, honestly—I couldn’t take the heat.

More next week.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been reflecting on 2020 and have just read the document with my goals for the year. I may laugh someday, but right now I am sad and demoralized. I accomplished literally not one single goal I had set for myself in 2020.

I wanted to lose some weight and get in shape. Nope. I joined a gym around the time of the shutdown and was so gung-ho that I paid for the whole year up front. Who knows what happened to that money?

A couple of my goals required money, which I am making a lot less of now than I was a year ago.

I had some developmental activity goals for my kids, but now I am just glad they are still alive after being quarantined at home, with me trying to work and them doing online school.

My partner and I had big plans for a romantic vacation—that’s off the table now.

I am thinking of just letting myself off the hook for 2021. Do you think that is a bad idea? Or is it smart? I really feel like just…

Giving In             

__________________________________________________________

Dear Giving In,

I found my goals, too! But I did laugh, because I am in pretty much the same boat as you and I have already cried a lot.

So here’s the thing, Giving In. Think about all the stuff you did accomplish that you hadn’t planned on achieving at all: You still have a job! You haven’t hurt your children! You and your partner are still together! These are all massive wins, my friend. If you had seen what was coming and your only goal had been to survive it, you would be feeling pretty great about your goal setting right now. So I think you must let yourself off the hook for 2020—you and the rest of the world.

Now, what about 2021? I say don’t give in, because here is what we know about goals: under normal circumstances people who set goals and write them down simply achieve more than those who don’t.

But the wisdom of good goal setting also tells us that our goals have to be realistic. I’ve always seen good results—for myself, my teams, and my clients—when goals are a bit of a stretch, but not ridiculous. We never really know what the future will bring, so you can only set goals with your current reality in mind. Ask yourself: what does my heart long for that I could take some steps toward right now? Find something you can actually do with just a little focus and the support of your partner, friends, colleagues, and kids. Maybe it’s a fitness routine you can do at home. I got through this year using Aaptive, an app that offers all kinds of workouts for folks at all levels. Maybe it’s walking around the block three times every day. Or maybe there’s something you could do with your kids at the end of online school every day. Given that nothing will be all that different for a while yet, setting an achievable goal will undoubtedly make you feel more optimistic and hopeful.

I would recommend this, however: Set one goal. Only one—but one you can crush. Leave the long list for another time. Or never. The biggest reason people don’t achieve their goals is that they have too many of them. There isn’t much research to support that assertion, but I am 100% convinced it is true based on my experience. Let’s tell the truth about what it takes to just get through the day, adulting and behaving yourself, paying the bills on time, showing up for work and speaking in complete sentences, and making sure dinner will happen somehow (cereal counts). Then let’s throw a pandemic on top of it and all bets are off.

You will probably need to mourn the dreams you had for 2020. It’s okay to be sad. But making some headway on a new dream, a dream that makes sense in light of our current reality, will give you a sense of control, autonomy, and mastery that will set you up to be ready when the world shifts back toward what we once thought of as normal. And history does teach us that it will shift.

So make a list of what you accomplished that you hadn’t planned to. I’ll bet it is really long, and something to be proud of. Be as sad as you need to be for the losses of 2020. And then get moving toward something you really care about that has deep meaning for you. Enlist help from anyone who can help you. It will make you feel better, I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

It still will be months until my company invites us all back to work in the office, so until then, we are all WFH. I miss my work friends and the hallway conversations that helped us deal with situations on the fly. I definitely don’t miss the commute or having to make myself presentable every day. I’ve saved literally hundreds of dollars in dry cleaning fees!

A co-worker has invited me to a face to face, after work drinks gathering. I understand about ten people are going—some I know very well who seem sensible and some I don’t know at all. It is to take place indoors at a popular restaurant near work. The COVID-19 numbers in our town are going down and people seem to think it is safe to go out.

My parents live nearby, and I have been dropping off meals and running errands for them about three times a week. I go into their house, put groceries away, do some laundry, and hang out a little to keep them company. I’ve been very careful. I have no way of knowing if the people going to the meetup have been taking safety precautions, but when I asked if we would all be wearing masks my co-worker just laughed. I laughed too, but it seems like a red flag. I don’t feel comfortable grilling people on their behavior regarding the virus, partly because it seems judgy—but also, the topic has become so political in ways I don’t really understand or care about.

I would like to go, though, because I am going a little stir crazy. I like the idea of supporting the restaurant. Also, I value my work relationships and don’t want to be out of the loop. But I have my parents to think about. It all feels too risky to me.

Am I being ridiculous?

Nervous Nellie

Dear Nervous Nellie,

Although I feel invincible myself (with no evidence whatsoever, mind you), I have at-risk in-laws. Since a high priority is spending time with them, you can call me Nellie, too.

How it all got political is beyond me. All I care about is avoiding an error in judgment that could cause pain or suffering to someone I love. That’s what I am hearing from you. In fact, I hear that you are willing to sacrifice some fun and connecting time—and possibly even maintaining your edge at work—to keep your parents safe. That sounds like care and kindness to me, not ridiculousness.

Let’s consider some options.

• You could call your friend and explain your situation. I have experienced a couple of events now where everyone who was going to meet in person talked through the rules of engagement before the event. All had to be willing to practice extreme safety for two weeks before the event and everyone got tested before the event. That may be overkill in this case, but I do think an in-person gathering needs some agreed-upon guidelines at this point in the evolution of the pandemic. If the majority are willing to just wing it, well, you have your answer. You don’t have to judge people who are willing to take risks, but you also don’t need to be one of them.
• You could suggest/find an outdoor venue to replace the indoor venue, which could lower the risk of being exposed.
• You could take your chances, attend the event, and have someone else tend to your parents’ needs for two weeks. Give yourself a little break from being so responsible.
• You could decide to play it safe and ask your friends to FaceTime you into the gathering. I mean, that’s a drag, but it would be something. Just think, you wouldn’t need a designated driver!

Ultimately, you are allowed to have your concerns even if you are afraid that some people might hold it against you. You can share your concerns and what is true for you without criticizing or censuring anyone else. How others respond is up to them. I tend to think of choices in terms of potential future regrets. These hard, fraught times will pass (eventually—not nearly quickly enough), and your future self will be so much happier if you and your parents get through it all unharmed.

Follow your best judgment and, more importantly, your heart. You don’t have to call yourself names.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

It has recently become apparent that one of my newer direct reports is lying. In one instance, he told me a presentation was proofed and ready to go and I found out it wasn’t when I went into the document on our shared drive to make a change. In another instance, I learned from a colleague that he had claimed to her team that we were further along with a deliverable than we actually were. And there have been other, less impactful, little red flags.

The crazy thing is that the lies are so easy to uncover—especially the shared drive documents where anyone can see the last time he was in the document. When I confronted him, he claimed he had completed the deck but the changes weren’t saved. We are a technology company so claiming technical failure can work when a whole system crashes, but this is just bald-faced lying—on top of unforgivable technical ignorance. It is one thing to be caught and apologize, which is what I would expect, but now it is adding insult to injury.

I am very clear about my expectations when new people join my team, but it never occurred to me to tell people they are not allowed to lie. I am so mad that I’m having a hard time thinking straight about this. I don’t know what to do. What do you think?

Liar Liar

Dear Liar Liar,

My first thought is no. Nope. No, no, no, no. Zero tolerance for lying. Then I thought about it some more, and guess what? Still no.

It is true—you wouldn’t think you’d need to tell people they can’t lie. But then something like this happens and you realize that what is obvious to you just is not obvious to everyone. It is fair to say that all implicit expectations need to be made explicit. That way, when someone does something you simply don’t anticipate, you have your explicit expectations to fall back on. Black and white. No grey area, no confusion, no discussion.

Potential expectations and grounds for dismissal might be:

1. No lying
2. No cheating
3. No stealing
4. No drinking on the job
5. No showing up to work in a bikini top
6. No showing up to in-person client presentations in bare feet
7. Do not bring your dog to a client meeting
8. No smoking in the restrooms

Numbers 5-8 are examples of expectations I wouldn’t have thought I needed to set. I’m not that creative. Just when I think I can no longer be surprised by human beings, I am surprised!

Now, there are the little fibs that many people tell to boost their egos, hide a minor infraction, or just entertain themselves. The thing is, if it doesn’t interfere with work or create static in the system, you probably don’t even notice it. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

You sound like a sensible person. You must have hired this man for a reason—presumably, you thought he was going to bring something worthwhile to the table. You may be considering the high cost of hiring, onboarding, and training someone new. In case you’re motivated to try to salvage this employee, and if you think this could help, you might share our extraordinary Trust Model with him. This model does what all truly brilliant models do: it clarifies and simplifies a deeply layered and complex issue. You might even share this step by step guide to rebuilding trust with him. It can be helpful for people who need to break lifelong trust-busting habits.

Or you may just be fed up enough to not want to take the time. It’s up to you.

Before you go firing anyone, though, I suggest you get HR involved and start documenting. Call out the behavior every time you see it and make a note of exactly what happens. Work with your HR person to decide in advance how many (more) chances you will give Pants on Fire. People lie for all kinds of complicated reasons, many of which would evoke your compassion. So you don’t have to be mean about it, but you must refuse to tolerate it.

Prior to his final chance, you can literally say “lying will not be tolerated.” If you feel like you just don’t have the heart, I can recommend the work of Dr. Henry Cloud, an authority on setting boundaries. His book to check out is Boundaries for Leaders.

Don’t get mad. That just hurts you. Stay calm, point out the lies, and your liar will either clean up his act or lie his way out of a job.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an executive vice president at a large, fast-moving communications company. I started here as an intern. I love this company, my job, and my team—but most of all, I love to work.

I have been married 15 years and have four kids, ages 4-12. My husband has a great job with a lot of flexibility and works from home often, so he deals with the sick kids, the parent/teacher conferences—all of the things normally considered Mom stuff.

My problem is the constant judgment that comes from other women—old friends who stopped working when they had kids, neighbors who stay home with their kids, and even women in my company who have chosen to not go for senior leadership because they want to spend more time at home. I am sick to death of guilt-inducing questions such as “don’t you worry that your kids will resent you?” and “aren’t you worried that you’re missing their childhood?”

How do I respond with grace and aplomb?

Feeling Judged

Dear Judged,

Oh, my dear, I pray daily for grace and aplomb. I empathize with your position—in fact, I can clearly recall how the chorus I lovingly called the Mommy Police constantly criticized my deep passion for work when I became a parent.

The crazy news is that there will be people who judge you no matter what decision you make about working after baby arrives. If you had decided to stay at home full time, a different set of Mommy Police would judge you for slacking. Crazier still is that to some folks it’s okay for you to be a mom who works if you have to, but it isn’t okay for you to love your work. You have to hate it.

Rest assured, there is probably no mother in the western hemisphere (the whole world?) who doesn’t feel judged. The bottom line is that you have to make your own rules for yourself. You have to decide for yourself what it means to be a good parent and a good employee. With that choice comes a chorus of judgment from every possible angle. All I can really offer you is that if you are comfortable with your choices, you can just tune it all out.

The guilt is also a choice. To deal with it, you must be crystal clear about what is most important to you and what your standards are for being a good parent. Then design your life to comply with your own standards.

When my first kid was born, I read every possible parenting book. It was a nightmare. I got 27 different opinions about how to be a good parent. When I realized that I wasn’t a person who could stay home with a baby all day and stay sane, things really got complicated. I ended up having to work with a therapist to figure out my own point of view on how to be a good parent. Thereafter, I worked with a coach at every stage to redefine it for myself. How to be a good parent is such a deep mystery and so desperately personal that it’s no wonder we all judge each other mercilessly—it’s simply a projection of all of our worst fears.

Thomas Leonard, one of my dearest and wisest mentors, suggested discussing the situation with your whole family once they are old enough. Let them weigh in on a vision for how much Mom (and Dad, or other parent) works, and what Mom (and Dad or other parent) stuff is non-negotiable at home. Once you have worked it all out, you can have regular family council meetings to revisit how things are working for everyone. That way, everyone in the family at least has a voice.

So when someone questions your choices, the answer is something like this: “I think about my choices and evaluate them extensively on a regular basis. I recalibrate as needed. I discuss them with the entire family. And I love it all—my family, my work, and my life. How about you?” (I only wish I had had those words when I needed them!)

So go be a great mom, be great at work, and tune out the chorus.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I hate New Year’s resolutions and I don’t feel like making any this year. I have had some success with them in the past, but this year I just feel overwhelmed with everything I have on my plate. Still, I feel so much pressure to make some.

What do you think?

Cranky

Dear Cranky,

I’m with you. Forget it. No NYR’s for 2020. None. Zip. Nada. ZERO. Okay?

Where is this pressure coming from? Your community? Family? Work? Your own self? Does it matter? No, it doesn’t. The pressure is totally manufactured.

Sometimes you just have to let things go. Set a new goal, go for a new habit, stop something bad, or start something good when you are good and ready and not a moment sooner.

Look, the whole construct is totally made up. Completely and totally made up. You can do whatever you want. The gift of NYR’s are that they inform you of what is really important to you.

For example, if you set the same resolution every year—let’s hear it for ”lose 10 pounds!”—it is data. It tells you that you care about it, you cared last year, and you still care this year. Unless right now, you don’t. I am still working on resolutions I originally set for January 1, 2000 because they are still important to me. I have absolutely mastered one out of the three, but they all still matter, and I still care. But it is just information. That’s all.

The number one reason people don’t achieve their goals is that they have too many of them. So. let it go, Cranky, you are off the hook. I said so.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a ruminator. I second-guess everything I do. My wife is tired of me spending hours every night going over and over the events of the day.

I work in finance and have a lot of technical expertise in my field. My organization counts on me for their reports, budgets, etc. I’m comfortable with generating the numbers, but when people want to talk about forecasting I get really anxious. I’m so afraid of making a mistake and causing some future disaster that I go over every interaction with a fine-tooth comb and think it into the ground.

This thing is getting worse, not better. I have to find a way to change because it’s getting harder and harder to be me. I have never met anyone who has this problem—where should I start?

Ruminator

Dear Ruminator,

It does indeed sound like it is very hard to be you. I’m so sorry. Self-awareness is always a big plus, so articulating your unpleasant work life is a great start. Now that you recognize just how uncomfortable you are, there is a chance you might do something about it.

Rumination is normal. We all do it. When it becomes a habit, though, it can be thought of as obsessive. It’s easy for thinking patterns to become habits because, as a neuroscientist might say, “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” In other words, the more you use a certain mental pathway, the more it becomes a rut for your thoughts to get trapped in.

I want to avoid getting into the neuroscience weeds, but research shows that when a person gets regularly trapped in constant negative rumination, it can be a sign of depression. I highly encourage you to take advantage of your Employee Assistance Program to get some therapy and explore if you think that might be the case with you.

In the meantime, here are two things you can do that will make an immediate difference.

• Exercise. It’s proven that exercise can alleviate anxiety and interrupt undesirable thinking patterns. You don’t need to join a gym, hire a trainer, or anything fancy or expensive. Just get outside for a walk in the middle of the workday or after work. The closer to nature you can get, the better—so if you can drive to a park, do it.

• Choose what happens in your head. When you’re not thinking about anything in particular, choose to be mindful instead of letting your mind wander in what is known as the “default network.” Mindfulness is defined as “(1) Self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience, thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment; (2) Adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment—an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance.”

By practicing mindfulness, you can choose to pay attention to sensory information coming in. What you pay attention to is what you are conscious of. Again, you don’t need to take a class (although that may help). Just pay attention to what you’re paying attention to, and consciously change it if it isn’t useful. A ton of websites are available that can teach you more about this and offer tips. This one might be a good place to start.

There is plenty of credible research about how both exercise and mindfulness can help you re-wire your brain and stop your downward spiral. You really have nothing to lose by trying both of them.

Finally, I offer what I have found to be a very interesting perspective. For years, I was often struck by how habitual time orientation affected the mental well-being of my clients. In 2008 (an oldie but goodie) Philip Zimbardo* wrote a book called The Time Paradox, which specifically reflected what I had observed. In the book, Zimbardo makes the case for how our personal time orientation influences our thoughts, feelings, and actions for better and for worse. I think you might benefit from understanding and shifting your own time orientation. The Time Paradox website has a quick self-assessment you can use to get started. Fun, interesting—and again, you really have nothing to lose except how hard it is to be you right now.

And your wife will be so happy!

Love, Madeleine

*Psychology wonks will recognize the name—Zimbardo conducted the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment.

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work as a subject matter expert on sales and implementation teams for integrated software. I get pulled into all kinds of teams. I am constantly being told to join new teams and I feel like I’m doing most of the work on the teams I am already a part of. My problem seems to be that I am too useful for my own good.

In theory, I’m supposed to advise on what to propose and on implementation strategies. In fact, I am often stuck with scheduling and leading client meetings—which is not in my job description—as well as writing proposals and plans. The people who are supposed to do those jobs always say “You are so much better at this than I am; why don’t you do it?” Often these people are technically senior to me and I don’t know how to say no.

I don’t want to be that person who says “It isn’t my job” and have people say I am not a team player. I would go to my manager, but she doesn’t really understand my job and hasn’t taken any interest in me. I’m working too many hours and it is getting to the point where my performance on my own job—the tasks I am actually responsible for—is suffering. Help?

Victim of My Own Success

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Victim of My Own Success,

Sigh. It would be so much easier for you if you weren’t that smart and dependable. If you just did mediocre work and missed deadlines, no one would ask you for anything. We tend to think the reward for great work is acknowledgment, promotion, and more money, but in fact, the reward for doing great work is more work!

At least you understand the role you have played in getting yourself to where you are. It is time to turn the ship, though, before you either have some kind of burnout response or become unable to manage your resentment at being taken advantage of.

You could really use your manager’s support and influence right now, so it is up to you to help her understand your job and get her to be interested in you. How to do that? Go at it directly. Go to her and say “Hey, I really need your help. This is my job, this is what I am up to, this is my problem, and this is the kind of help I need.” Your manager is probably doing what most managers do: focusing most of her attention on the low performers and ignoring the high performers. She can only ignore you if you allow her to.

In the meantime, you are on your own. So repeat after me:

“No.”

Say it 10 more times: “No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.”

Articulate for yourself what your actual responsibilities are. Make it so clear that you have it in bullets. Next time someone tries to push something onto your to-do list that doesn’t belong there, be ready with something like: “My area of responsibility is A, B, and C. I am committed to doing those things. Everything else is up to someone else on the team.” Practice saying this out loud with a nice, neutral tone. Be ready to repeat it. This way, you aren’t stuck saying a bold “No.”

Now be prepared for big, uncomfortable silences—silences you’re probably in the habit of jumping into with your desire to get things done and be good. Let somebody else jump in. Keep your hand over your mouth. Breathe.

If someone senior to you won’t let it go, be prepared with something like: “I will not be able to do what you are asking. I have priority commitments to other teams.” Practice a bunch of different ways of saying “I am not able to do that” in a kind and neutral way.

Stand up for yourself. No one will do it for you. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

A couple of months ago I received a promotion I was really hoping for. Now I have fifteen direct reports where I used to have seven. Everything I am reading says I should be doing regular one-on-one meetings with each person, but my own workload has doubled and I have no idea how to fit everything in.

I’m already working twelve-hour days and checking email from home on nights and weekends. My employees constantly email and text me with questions or requests for feedback. My spouse is beginning to get annoyed with me.

I wanted this promotion and am happy for the extra money, but I am starting to really regret it. How on earth am I supposed to give everyone what they need and still get my job done? It all feels like…

Too Much

Dear Too Much,

Fifteen employees is a lot, especially when they need constant input from you. Even if they didn’t, that’s a lot of souls to support and get to know as human beings.

Is this the norm in your organization? If it isn’t, you might think about lobbying to promote one of your people and having some folks report to that person. If it is the norm, there might be an expectation about how to manage such a large team. Ask your boss if there are any classes/resources you might be able to tap into to help you handle things without feeling so swamped.

Until then, though, you need to set some standards for your team that will keep them on an even keel and lower your stress level. For someone who has as large a team as yours, the first step is to make sure everyone knows what their tasks and goals are and has what they need to do their job. You might focus on the areas where people are asking for the most feedback to help them become more comfortable using their own judgment. You can read a little more on that here.

About one on ones: yes, regular one on ones are ideal—but there is no law that says you have to do them every week or that they need to last an hour. Here are some tips that may help you.

• Start with 15 minutes every other week for each employee. You can probably work that into the calendar—that would add up to two to three hours a week.

• In an all-team meeting, announce that you expect each of your team members to be active participants in how they are managed, and that you expect them to meet you halfway. You can share this article about Self Leadership if you like. It describes leadership as a partnership.

• Let each employee know that their one-on-one meeting is their time to use any way they want. Once they get the hang of it, this will be their best opportunity to ask questions and get feedback. Let them manage the scheduling of it, or get a regular time on the calendar for each person.

• Let each employee drive the agenda for their one-on-one. Insist that each person emails an agenda for the meeting before their appointed time. This will force them to think about what they need from you in advance and use their time efficiently.

You can’t do it all. You are going to have to get your people to step up. But once you get the ball rolling, you might be surprised at how it eases the pressure.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am smart, I work hard, and I am a pleaser. These qualities have made me very successful. I am now a senior manager in a fast-paced, high-pressure service business.

My problem is that I have created a monster in my boss. She is so used to my pleasing perfection that she pretty much expects me to be perfect all the time now—which, of course, is impossible.

Any teeny infraction gets a comment now. Here’s an example: She asked me for an outline for a report to the board and gave me the deadline. I don’t usually miss deadlines, but I was traveling that day. My five-hour flight was delayed and the internet on the plane didn’t work, so I sent the report as soon as I landed (about 11:45 p.m. in her time zone).

In my mind, I met the deadline with fifteen minutes to spare. I expected to hear “Well done—you got it in!” Her response? “How do I get you to submit your work before five minutes to midnight?”

This is driving me crazy. How do I get her to cut it out?

Not Perfect

Dear Not Perfect,

Your boss’s behavior does indeed sound frustrating—and for a pleaser, every little criticism can feel like being poked with a sharp pencil! In short, the way to get her to cut it out is to tell her to cut it out. Nicely. But let’s rewind and think this through.

It sounds as if you have been telling yourself a story about how you have both gotten into this muddle together. I suggest a reframe. Ask yourself if the story you have made up about this situation is really serving you. Then you can go to your boss and say, “So here’s what has been happening, and this is the story I have made up about it. I am hoping we can change this dynamic.”

Is it possible the story you have created is based on other relationships you have had in the past? Most of us interpret situations based on previous experience, so that may be at play here. In this case, I think there is a new story available to you—a much simpler one about the lack of explicit expectations and clear agreements.

You interpret a deadline as midnight on that date. It’s possible that your boss assumes everybody interprets a deadline as the end of the business day. When you talk to your boss about her criticisms, tell her it is your goal to please her and make her job easier. But to do that, you need her to be crystal clear about her expectations—all of them—so that you can be sure to never disappoint her.

The next time she makes a snide comment that catches you off guard, point to where the discrepancy was between your understanding of the expectation and hers. You are allowed to stand up for yourself, and you should. She can be more disciplined about clarity, and you can say “ouch” when you feel it.

I don’t necessarily agree that you have trained your boss to expect perfection, but I do think you may have led her to believe you have a thicker skin than you have. Let go of the whole “perfect” story – and rewrite it about how unspoken expectations and assumptions can catch all of us wrong footed.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I work in a membership organization with a very old-fashioned outlook and a hierarchical structure. I am not a manager, but I did have one direct report at a previous employer. I am very interested in management and leadership and intend to have other management roles in the future.

Management practices here, although not toxic, are very poor. A couple of examples: beyond the broadest headline results, no one is allowed to know the decisions made at the monthly senior management meeting, even if you submit a topic for consideration. You certainly can’t attend in person to present. Offices are in an open plan that is set apart from the senior managers, who never venture out of their areas to engage with their teams.

I’m not planning to remain here very long, but I need to gain some specific skills and knowledge before I move on. My question is this: do you have any suggestions on how to deal with poor management, apart from sucking it up and learning more about how not to do things? I feel very much alone in delivering my objectives, although my manager fondly believes she is supporting me.

I know I can’t singlehandedly change this organization’s culture. I do my best to be professional and positive, but I am often seething inside. I’d be very grateful for your perspective.

Seething

Dear Seething,

I think in some organizations, your point of view might be sought out and welcomed—but probably not in yours. The passionate experts of best management and leadership practices will all tell you that the people and organizations who most need improvement are the ones who are the most oblivious and the most resistant to it. It is the way of the world, sadly.

It is possible your organization would be open to hearing your opinions during your exit interview, especially if you are an exemplary employee. And, of course, you can always write a review on Glass Door, or leave some of your favorite management books lying around the office. If your manager actually seems to care about supporting you, clueless though she may be, take the opportunity to ask her questions and seek to understand her experience, approach, and point of view. Understanding and walking in another’s shoes may help you manage your rage.

Which brings me to the seething thing, which is cause for concern. Anger can be useful. It can help you identify your own needs and values, which in this case is clearly happening. However, unexpressed anger can literally make you sick or cause you to blow up at work in a way that will tank any chance of getting a glowing recommendation. So I encourage you to find a way to simmer the seething. How, you might ask? The most obvious way is to get out of there as soon as possible—but you know that. You say you have some specific knowledge and skills to gain before moving on, but I wonder if those are worth the cost. You have made the decision, though, so you may have blinders on to the possibility that you could acquire those skills someplace more aligned with your values.

If you insist on sticking with your plan, here are some other ideas:

• Pay attention to what is working at your organization. They can’t all be total buffoons. The more you obsess about what management does wrong, the more evidence you will find to support your case. We all do this. It is a form of confirmation bias, and it is worth noticing in yourself. Flip what you pay attention to and start to notice what they do well, or even half decently.

• Meditate. Ten minutes of meditation has been shown to lower blood pressure—significantly—and keep it down for the whole day. Google it. There a million apps that will help you.

• Get more exercise. A couple of extra kickboxing classes a week wouldn’t hurt. Just calm down some of that adrenaline.

• Find the humor. Create a stand-up routine for your group of friends. Start a funny anti-bad-manager blog. Where do you think Dilbert came from?

• Vent with a friend who doesn’t mind it. Set a timer for seven minutes and just let ‘er rip. Then stop and move on.

Ultimately, if you really can’t change a situation, your only choice is to change how you respond to it. You have an opportunity right now to make the decision to choose a different response. Until you can get out, your best bet is to challenge yourself to do that. Treat this like the AFGO (Another Freaking Growth Opportunity) it is. AFGO’s are never particularly welcome or fun, but they sure are valuable.

Sorry.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Some time ago I was working with a CEO to help him improve the levels of trust and engagement in his company. He had recently hired a Vice President from a competing organization in the same industry. This gentleman was highly successful in his previous organization and had excellent values and ethics—by all accounts a great hire. But the CEO was dissatisfied with the VP’s performance less than a year into his tenure. The CEO felt the VP wasn’t “stepping up” or helping the team “get to the next level.” I asked the CEO, “Have you defined what ‘stepping up’ and ‘getting to the next level’ look like and have you communicated that to the VP?” “No,” said the CEO, “I figured given his experience he should know what that means.”

The curse of unspoken expectations. The result? The CEO was constantly dissatisfied with the VP’s performance, the VP was working his butt off trying to impress the CEO but had no clue he’s missing the mark, and all the while the team plods along producing at half their potential.

Here are three common sense, yet uncommon practices to prevent the curse of unspoken expectations and improve teamwork and collaboration:

1. Don’t assume expectations are clear – You know the old saying about the danger of assuming something, right? When you “assume,” you run the risk of making an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” People are not mind readers so don’t assume expectations are clearly understood. It doesn’t matter how much experience someone has or how long they’ve been in a particular role. If you think there is the slightest chance for misunderstanding, take the time to clarify the goal and objectives.

2. Clearly state, discuss, and agree on expectations – It was completely unfair for that CEO to hold the VP accountable to certain levels of performance without clearly defining the standard by which he would be judged. Just stating the expectations isn’t enough; you need to make sure the other party has the same understanding of those expectations as you do. I’ve had conversations with employees where it’s been clear my expectation of a certain performance standard…let’s say, proactiveness…is definitely different from their perception of what proactive means. That’s why it’s important to discuss and agree upon a common understanding of the expectation so both parties are clear.

3. Consistently adhere to the expectations – If you agree to a standard then keep it. Don’t set the standard at one level for a particular situation and then a different level the next time. Constantly changing expectations leads to confusion and erratic performance. Not meeting expectations is a trust-buster. Consistent and dependable behavior is essential to building and maintaining trust. If you aren’t able to meet an expectation, identify and communicate the problem as early as possible to avoid letting someone down and eroding their trust.

Expectations are tricky in relationships. On the one hand, healthy and clearly communicated expectations can help us raise our performance to new heights. On the other hand, if they aren’t clearly communicated and understood, they become a point of friction and discord that lead to poor performance. Don’t assume expectations are clear, take the time to discuss and agree upon them, then consistently meet them. Everyone will be better off as a result.

Randy Conley is the V.P. of Client Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts normally appear the fourth or last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.