Dear Madeleine,

I am hoping you might have some insight for me. The problem isn’t mine but my wife’s.  

She has a great job with a company where she has been promoted several times. During Covid, when everyone went to virtual work, we took the opportunity to move closer to her family. Her parents were eager to help out with our kids.

When things went back to normal, my wife started going into the office twice a week. The commute was a bear but it was working.

Now her company is demanding that everyone be in the office five days a week. Commuting every day is just not sustainable. We could move back closer to her office but it would mean uprooting the kids and losing the extra help from her family. Still, that’s what I think we should do.

However, another company has been pursuing her rather aggressively. They have promised that she can work from anywhere, which is the deal I have. They are offering a huge bump in salary and an amazing benefits package.

Despite everything my wife has told me, I have a bad feeling about it. I can’t really explain why, but it all just seems a little too good to be true. Every time I point this out, my wife accuses me of not believing in her and not thinking she is worth the kind of salary they are promising her, which is not the case at all.

How can I find out if the company and the offer is on the up and up? I would much prefer to stay put, and it would be great if my wife didn’t have to commute anymore, not to mention the big salary increase. I can’t put my finger on what feels off to me. The whole debate has turned emotional and I feel at a loss as to how to get to the right decision.

Big Decision

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Dear Big Decision,

You and your wife are a functioning unit where both parties have to work together to grow both careers and children. So make no mistake—this is indeed your problem, not just your wife’s.

It seems that you have two big issues here. The first is that your wife doesn’t seem to trust that you have her best interests at heart, and the second is that the job offer seems too good to be true.

I am no marriage counselor, but it seems odd that your wife is getting defensive about your doubts instead of taking them at face value. It could be that her judgment is clouded by her desire to stay put, eliminate her commute, and make more money. But if she is doubting your motives, there could be some repair work that needs to be done. Perhaps she feels undermined by you or has the impression that you don’t think she is very smart. The two of you are going to have to have some frank conversations to get to the bottom of this. If you want to enlist some help, I am a huge fan of John Gottman. The Gottman Institute offers a ton of resources to help couples improve their relationships. It can’t hurt to check it out, and it might help—not just in this instance, but for the long haul.

The second issue is that the job offer seems suspect to you. Right now it is just a feeling, so the next step is to get all the facts. Here are some ideas to get your research started. Maybe one of them will help you to pin down what feels off to you.

Research the company.

• Company website: Does it look professional and up to date? Are the contact details legit (email with a company domain, physical address, phone)?
• LinkedIn presence: Is the company listed on LinkedIn? Are employees with real profiles working there? Might your wife be willing to contact a few of them and talk to them about what it is like to work there?
• Online reviews: Check Glassdoor, Indeed, or Google Reviews for employee feedback.
• Business registration: For U.S. companies, you can check the secretary of state’s business search. Other countries have similar registries.
• Talk to people you trust and get other opinions.

Inspect the communication—if your wife will allow it, of course. Or you can share these recommendations with her.

• Email domain: Legit companies don’t usually use Gmail/Yahoo/etc. for hiring. Look for an email like recruiter@companyname.com.
• Grammar and tone: Scams often have poor grammar, generic greetings (“Dear Applicant”), and overenthusiastic language (“You’ve been specially chosen!!!”).
• Urgency or pressure: Be wary if they’re pushing you to act fast or not ask questions.

Examine the job offer and contract.

• Is the job description detailed and specific to the role? Real job postings usually include tasks, skills required, and expectations.

The principle here is that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. If you truly believe that your wife is wearing rose-colored glasses, you must approach it delicately. Ask good questions and remind her at every turn that you think any company would be lucky to have her.

Changing jobs is tricky and stressful. It really does make sense to do all due diligence before making the leap. Worst case, your research yields some real concerns and you avoid a disaster. Best case, this opportunity could be a stroke of luck for the whole family! I sure hope so!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am at a crossroads in my career. I am 63 years old and have held positions of plant manager and operations manager. I currently serve as director of operations at a company that offers overhead crane and hoist design, manufacturing, and maintenance services. My past has been challenging; I have reinvented myself a few times, turned a company around that was failing, etc.

My current situation is with a family-owned business where the entire family is employed. The owner is becoming less and less engaged and seems to be losing interest in day-to-day operations. When he does check in, his decisions are less than sound. His kids are in their thirties and do not yet seem to have the skills or experience needed to oversee and manage the company.

I have been invited to relocate from the midwestern US to Florida to run a fabricating company. However, due to the poor health of some people in charge of this potential opportunity, I have been told to sit tight until they are ready to decide. I don’t get many opportunities like this, and it seems ideal for my varied background and niche skill set.

My issue is that I am so driven, I feel I need to make something happen. I am a Christian and pray daily, and I know God has a plan for me.

I guess I am looking for your advice on the direction I should take. Is there something I can read, look up, sign up for, or attend to further my passion for my career?

Thank you for your time, Madeleine.

Impatient

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Dear Impatient,

I think you have three choices here:

Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to hire an experienced and skilled CEO to guide the business into the future.

This choice would allow you to stay and continue to make a contribution without uprooting your whole life. You might even consider putting yourself up for the job of CEO. Although you may not feel that you have the requisite skills, many CEOs do come from operations. If you choose this path, you will want to be prepared with clear examples to support your assertion that none of the kids are ready to step into leading the company. I can’t imagine that the owner wants to see the whole enterprise crash and burn any more than you do. Only you can decide if you think you are signed up to lead at that level.

Stay where you are and advocate with the owner to appoint you as mentor/ advisor/ coach to the most competent of the family members in the next generation.

This choice holds some of the advantages of the first choice, but this one would allow you to avoid taking on all of the responsibility while still making a huge contribution guiding young people. For this one, you would need a clear description of the job, not to mention the buy-in from the second generation. They would have to not only be aware of their lack of readiness but also possess the humility to accept your influence. To be fair, this would be a rare and glorious exception, but, hey, it could happen. Of course, you would need to listen to your heart to know if being in service that way would suit your temperament. This, too, would be a form of leadership.

Take a deep breath and decide to wait for the folks in Florida to make a decision while you research other opportunities.

This may be the best option. It sounds as if you have already written off the owner and the kids in your current situation and are ready to jump ship. This choice would just require a little patience. Passion is a very useful quality until it causes us to jump the gun and make rash decisions. You would want to make sure that you are driving your passion instead of letting it drive you. It might be appropriate to check in with the Florida people to get a sense of their timeline—they can’t expect you to wait forever. In the meantime, you may not think there are many potential opportunities for someone with your background, but excellence in operations does translate well across industries, so there may be more than you think.

I can’t tell you what direction to take, but you mention that you have a relationship with God, so I encourage you to spend some time in prayer asking for input on this. My experience is that regardless of religious affiliation, when we ask for guidance, it is often offered. We aren’t always listening when the answers come, though, and we don’t always like the answers.

I hope that some of these ideas are useful, or, even better, that they spark a new idea or insight for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an executive leader for a giant global organization. Last week, massive layoffs were announced. I have a team of twelve direct reports with hundreds of people reporting up to them. I don’t know every person, but I know a lot of them.

Layoffs are going to be devastating for these people. There is a hush now when I come into the office. The sidelong glances, checking to see if I know something, are awful. I’m not even sure if I will have a job at the end of all of this.

What can I do to keep myself on an even keel? And how can I help people soldier on until the ax drops?

I have heard about this kind of thing, but have never experienced it myself.

Waiting for the Ax

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Dear Waiting for the Ax,

I am sorry. This is one of the great pain points that goes with working in large organizations. The neuroscience research shows that our brains hate uncertainty and function less well in the face of it.

An organization that chooses to announce massive layoffs with absolutely no other information and plans to help leaders manage the process verges on irresponsibility. Sometimes there is a CHRO who works very hard to manage the emotional fallout of massive layoffs. More often, though, managers are on their own. It sounds like you are one of them—unless, of course, you can get some insights and/or direction from your boss, who is alarmingly absent from your scenario. That would be your first stop for help unless you already know there is no help to be found there. I hate how common this is.

You must take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. If there is anything you can do to make that happen, now is the time. Get exercise, eat properly, get some sleep, meditate. If it will make you feel better, update your LinkedIn and get started on an updated resume. Maybe get in touch with former colleagues and other members of your professional network in case you will be job hunting soon. Get support from family and friends.

In the absence of information, all you can do is try to make things as comfortable as possible. Pull your team together and surface all of their concerns, so at least people are talking and not just exchanging sidelong looks. You don’t want the conversation to devolve into a complaint session, but it will help people to have a safe place to vent. You can set up the discussion by requesting that no one share rumors, but simply share what they are feeling.

You can always re-direct with questions such as:

• What can you do to stay focused in the face of this uncertainty?
• What can I or another team member do to help you right now?
• How can we stay focused on what is working right now?
• Who is doing something that is helping them feel resilient that they can share with the group?

Let your people know what you know and what you don’t know and assure them that you will share any intel you get as soon as you get it. Encourage them to take care of themselves as much as they can. Give clear direction on what they need to stay focused on in order to keep moving toward team goals. Don’t let anyone get caught up in panicked overperforming because they think it might save their jobs. That will just add fuel to the fire.

Breathe. Tell your people to breathe.

Remember, you are intelligent and capable and you will be okay. Remind your people they are intelligent and capable and they will be okay.

Stay calm because it will help your people stay calm. Come what may.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have risen through the ranks of my organization very quickly. Last year I took on a lot of new responsibilities with almost no direction, did a good job, and got a raise and a promotion. My boss, the president of the company, has told me several times that he sees me as partner material.

One of my superpowers is figuring things out—but I fear I have reached my limit in one area.

I keep asking my boss for more clarity on what is expected of me to be able to reach partner. And he keeps saying I need to become “more comfortable with ambiguity.” It is maddening. If I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I would be doing it. But he won’t tell me.

Any ideas for me on how to break through this impasse?

Flying Blind

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Flying Blind,

You have just described the exact conundrum of making the leap from operational leadership to strategic leadership. When you reach the top ranks of any organization, the biggest shift is that there is no longer anyone to tell you what to do. What your boss is trying to express is that at the level you are playing, it is up to you to use your best judgment and make it up.

What most people don’t realize (until they are doing it) is that executive leadership is a wildly creative—and risky—business. When people are young, a little naïve, and lacking in experience, it can be incredibly exciting. When people have suffered the pain of making expensive mistakes, it can be terrifying.

Here is an article published recently: “The Ultimate Test: What I learned about leadership from Covid-19” that lays out exactly what I mean.

Managing ambiguity literally means figuring out how to get things done when things are not clear, nothing is certain, and there is no road map. It means looking at the whole picture and envisioning the path from where things are now to where you and the other senior leaders say you want to be.

Almost nothing you have been good at or thought you knew up till now is going to help you much, but it can be a good foundation. You will be required to let go of your addiction to checking tasks off your list and get comfortable with moving from incomplete task to incomplete task. For people who define themselves by their ability to get things done, this is a mind-bending transition. Get used to spending your time sharing your vision for the direction your people need to go and experimenting with approaches. Be prepared to adapt as new information comes in, and to pivot if necessary.

The metaphor that has been helpful to many is instead of checkers, you are now playing chess. Instead of moving all your pieces across the board quickly in a day or a week, you will now be lucky to make one or two moves in that time. Each move will require a lot of thought and consideration, frequent checking with others on the team, and possibly accepting a temporary fix until new information is revealed. It is dealing with constant change—and the job is never done.

One thing you can’t do on your own is decide on strategic imperatives. If your boss cannot articulate those, you can push for the leadership team to make decisions on what they are. Once you have those, and a sense of a budget, you will have to make up the rest.

Hopefully, you have organizational values to guide your decisions. If you don’t, you will have to decide on your own leadership values. That means you must know what is most important. That is a whole can of worms in itself and you can find more on that here. If your organization has not spent the time to articulate its values, you can advocate for putting some attention on that. Get some arguments for doing that here.

To be a partner means to be a co-owner with the other partners. Your boss is waiting for you to be brave. So be brave.

Make a plan for what you think needs to be done for you and your people to achieve, or even exceed, the strategic goals that have been set. Do you have the right people in the right seats? (Do they have the skills to do the job the way it needs to be done?) If not, how will you address that issue? Do you have all the resources you need? What hasn’t been thought about yet? What obstacles need to be cleared?

Let me be clear here: this is not a plan for how you will make partner. It is a plan for how you will lead your people to accomplish what needs to be done for the organization. It isn’t about you, it is about the success of your team and the organization.

Lay out the path for how you will do everything. Make a list of the unknowns and the obstacles you can see today. You will be worried that you’ve made mistakes, that you’ve missed something, and that it won’t be perfect—which will almost certainly be the case. That’s OK. No one and nothing is perfect right out of the gate.

Take your plan to your boss as your best guess of what you think you should be doing in the next 12 to 18 months and see what he says. Talk it through, get feedback, and share it with other leaders in the organization. If you think you are right about something that others disagree with, have the courage of your convictions and make your case. Or, if you think someone else’s point of view makes sense, let yourself be influenced. Then tweak the plan, share it with your team, and go.

You have passed the point of studying for the quiz and getting 100% and a gold star. You are now in unknown territory where you have to make your own map, and the test is about making decisions in the absence of enough information. Not only are there no gold stars on offer now, you will be surrounded by people who think they could do it better if they were in your shoes.

You say you have reached your limit for figuring things out? I say you are just getting started. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You are signing up for a bumpy but exciting ride!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I live and work in a third-world country. I got scholarships and completed a master’s degree in business and computer science and have an excellent, high-paying job. I have built a strong team of people who work for me. My problem isn’t them, it is the culture we work in.

Many of my employees are very late or miss work completely because the public transportation system is terrible. When it rains, buses get stuck in mud and many of my people don’t even try to get in. One very dependable woman always got to work because she rode a bicycle, but someone stole it so now she walks the six miles to work. The people who have cars often must lend them to family members or must save up to have them fixed. I have tried to set things up so that my employees can work remotely, but the internet is often spotty or nonexistent.

I keep setting goals that I think I should be able to meet, but I can’t seem to make any headway with employees who often can’t get to work. My boss understands the situation, of course—everyone has the same problem. But nobody seems to care much about doing anything to fix it. I was wondering what you would say.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Dear One Step Forward, Two Steps Back,

I very much appreciate that you asked, and I wish I had a magic wand for you. I can hear your frustration; it sounds like you are swimming upstream. My question is: do you care about doing something to fix it?

As with any deep frustration, you have three choices:

1. You can decide to do something and act.

For example, you could gather your team (on a good day with no rain) to brainstorm possible solutions. You might lobby to have your company provide transportation for its employees or pay for upgraded, more reliable internet service so your people can work remotely when needed. If your boss doesn’t care about your inability to achieve your goals, this might be tricky. It sounds like he might be resigned to the status quo. If you try some creative problem solving with your team and your boss, perhaps convince your company to make some investments, you might be able to affect some improvements.

2. You can choose to do nothing and accept things as they are.

This is a legitimate choice. Ultimately, you must discern what is within your control and what is not. Then choose how to respond to the inconveniences and vexations that arise.

3. You can leave the situation.

You can look for another job that would not require you to depend on people who can’t get to work. It sounds like the issue is widespread and you like your job, so this may not be a solution for you.

I encourage you to do anything you can to improve the chances of your people being able to do their jobs. Then keep your plans flexible and let the rest go.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a company that has recently gone to a matrix environment. It is kind of a disaster because no one seems to know what that means. Trying to get anyone to make a decision so I can move forward with projects on a deadline is making work incredibly stressful. I pride myself on getting things done on time, and I am going to be late on several key deliverables through no fault of my own.

I have at least two bosses now and am not sure which person to go to for what. One of them is not at all interested in letting go of her previous unilateral authority and is resisting my efforts to get the buy-in I need from her before I move ahead with things.

I am really struggling. Any ideas would be helpful.

Matrix Madness

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Dear Matrix Madness,

Yours isn’t the first (and won’t be the last) company to adopt a shift to a matrix organizing structure without properly preparing everyone. (For details on matrix organizations, click here.) It is a source of universal suffering—and until things get worked out, you will have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Essentially, your company (like many others) is trying to get everyone in the organization to be more included, which will eventually help all of you manage the complexity of your business. Moving to a matrix is supposed to break down silos and solve the problem of the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing. And it can—it just causes a fair amount of chaos first.

I have a few ideas, all of which come from working with clients who have been through a similar change.

1. First, try to relax. Everyone is upside down, not just you. Identify the projects you are responsible for that are critical and time sensitive. Ask yourself: Will a customer be upset if the project is late? Will other projects be held up if things are delayed on my end? Once you have identified those, communicate with anyone who may be affected by your delays. Anything you can do to avoid disappointing people and to manage expectations on your deadlines will help relieve your anxiety.
2. Try to escalate the extent of the confusion to the company leadership. Your organization has adopted a massive change effort without taking the steps to educate and bring people along, which is why one boss is not onboard and is causing static for you. Maybe there is a way for you to ask for more training or more direction on what it means to work in a matrix.
3. A matrix will force you to act more like a leader. Communicate in writing all decisions and all intel you have to anyone who needs to be involved in a decision. Provide deadlines for feedback along with your own recommendations. Make clear when you will be moving forward, so that everyone knows their input is needed by a certain time.
4. Half your problem is that the change has been implemented as you are mid-project with many things, so that makes it harder. In the future, at the beginning of new projects, use a RACI chart so you know who to involve at what step. A RACI is a time honored way for setting up a project that clarifies who needs to be involved and how. I know a lot of people learn this in business school—it seems to be immediately forgotten, but is incredibly useful.

A RACI chart identifies the following:

R — Responsible – who is responsible for doing the work on a daily basis and making sure each item that needs to get done has an owner and is tracked.

A — Accountable – who is ultimately accountable for getting a goal or task completed, has the power to approve or veto actions or final product.

C — Consulted – who needs to have input into how the task gets done, whose opinion must be sought through two-way conversation. This step is often overlooked, which can cause a lot of problems.

I — Informed – who has an interest in the work because it will affect them in some way and needs to be kept up to date and notified of results. This can usually be a one-way communication.

Just because you are midstream with some of your projects doesn’t mean you can’t at least try to figure out the RACI now.

Dealing with your recalcitrant boss is a whole separate issue. You might want to have a one on one with her to explain why you feel the need to loop more people into decision making. Certain kinds of managers who experience having certain kinds of information and making decisions as a form of power can really struggle in a shift to a matrix. You might share this article with her and maybe even the RACI chart idea. You may end up having to go around her—which will certainly decrease her power and relevance—but you can’t really control her behavior.

You are obviously a dedicated and responsible contributor. Learning to navigate this disruption without letting yourself get upset will serve you well. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are going to be fine.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

Your advice has been very helpful in the past, so I couldn’t stop myself from writing to you again about a tricky situation.

I have recently taken over the area of learning and development as part of my portfolio. With that came the discussion of a resource with my boss. My boss suggested a name (K) from HR ops team who is interested in L&D.

K is more of a generalist who coordinates internal events and manages onboarding. I talked to K’s current boss. There are some transferable skills but there will be a huge learning curve (like instructional design, empathetic written communication skills, critical thinking) and I am open to invest my time in growing them (K’s preferred pronoun).

From where I sit, I have always viewed K as someone with a fixed mindset in their partnership with my team and someone I would not have hired myself. Also, in my last year and a half, they have never called me by name or even started a written communication by simply saying hello. That being said, we are on respectful terms but have zero interpersonal connection. 

Last week I learned K has big hesitation in reporting to me. I can only guess it is because I had to make some needed changes when I built my team and, in doing so, I parted ways with two of K’s professional friends. With my current team of 12, I am a strong and empathetic manager with a 100% score on my feedback survey. 

I am still confident that if hiring from scratch I would not have hired K. I have a deep understanding of what good looks like for the role and team culture. 

With the organizational changes, if K accepts the job, I am stuck with her. If she doesn’t, I can go outside the org to hire. I am trying to gain insight into my biases and to put my preconceived notions aside to manage K and help them grow, but it is a weird start of relationship when there’s a team member who doesn’t want to report to you. I worry about my current healthy team culture getting disturbed.

What advice do you have for me?

Uncertain 

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Dear Uncertain,

Thanks for the kind words and the trust you are placing in me. I really appreciate it.

When Jim Collins’ Good to Great came out in 2001, I remember thinking how smart, simple, and obvious his advice was to have the right people in the right seats on the bus. What took me a long time to understand is just how tricky that can be. Simple, yes, but not easy. What Collins failed to mention was that his advice also means is getting the wrong people out of seats they are already in and navigating organizational demands to hire from within. The strategy is sound, but the execution requires excellent hiring skills and the freedom to hire as you see fit—not to mention an available talent pool!

Assuming you have the hiring skills, the other two requirements might leave you stuck with K.

So now what?

Congratulations on your efforts to be aware of your own biases; that is a great place to start.

I would caution you against judging a person’s character based on email transactions. Many people aren’t warm and fuzzy over email. Possibly K is not comfortable making strong connections through media and needs to build trust one on one in person. It sounds like you are senior to K, so you never know—it’s possible they think it is appropriate to maintain strong professionalism because of that. You just won’t know until you get a chance to meet in person (even if it is over Zoom).

Your other misgivings are fair, though. And you must honor your own impressions and instincts.

I think your only option is to have the super candid conversation with them. In this conversation you need to assess a couple of things:

1. What are the reasons behind K’s hesitation about reporting to you—and can they be overcome?
2. Will K be ready and willing to give you a chance?
3. Does K really want the job, and why?
4. Is K prepared to throw themselves at the learning curve ahead?

To prepare for each of those topics, you will want to find the sweet spot between Candor and Curiosity. You can check out our Conversational Capacity model here.

The author, Craig Webber, says you should be ready to:

• State your clear position
• Explain the underlying thinking that informs your position
• Test your perspective
• Inquire into the perspective of others

It might sound something like this: “I understand you may have a hesitation about reporting to me and I would like to know more about that. I think it is critical that we get off on the right foot and be able to build trust together. What do you think?”

Or

“What makes you interested in the job? What is it specifically that you hope to learn? How will it be different from the job you are doing, and what makes it attractive to you?”

Or

“If you were to step into the job, the learning curve will be quite steep. Are you prepared to withstand the discomfort of being in learning mode for a while?”

You will want to mostly stick with questions while avoiding “why” questions which tend to put people on the defensive. Your candor and insistence that K be candid with you will tell you everything you need to know about whether or not bringing K onto your team will be a disaster. And if you really think that will be the case, you need to be prepared to tell them that you don’t think they are a good fit for the job. You must have the courage to tell the truth, even if it means taking some time to think about it after the conversation.

Hopefully, if you do that, it will discourage K enough to keep them from taking the job and it will free you up to hire a more appropriate candidate. Of course, if you do that and K still takes the job, you will have to start off with another candid conversation.

On the upside, you may clear up some misunderstandings on both sides and find that the job is just the change K is looking for and they are right for your team. Wouldn’t that be grand?

But taking the leap without the heart-to-heart is non-negotiable. You will so regret it if you don’t.

You have clearly worked very hard to build a high performing team. You must honor your instinct to protect that hard-won accomplishment.

Be kind and tell the truth. Ask the hard questions. If that scares K away, so be it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a talent acquisition leader with a midsize tech company. I built my team from scratch in the past year. We are a high performing team that is greatly appreciated by our stakeholders.

Like many companies out there, ours is seeing the impact of inflation and economic downturn. Many organizations are putting a freeze on hiring. This means, as the TA leader, I soon may have to make selective layoffs on my team.

I went through a similar scenario during the pandemic, but it is different this time around. I am feeling emotionally burdened and wondering where to find my resilience. Our company might take the last-person-first approach when deciding who to lay off. Currently there is no underperformer on my team, even though each person is at a different level in their career.

What advice do you have for people leaders having to navigate this layoff time? Is there a framework that could be helpful? It feels too soon after what we went through as an industry during the pandemic.
Thank you.

Leader Finding Resilience

__________________________________________________________

Dear Leader Finding Resilience,

First, congratulations on building your amazing team. I acknowledge how much it must stink to have to let some of them go, first because it is hot on the heels of your last layoff due to the pandemic and then because it will almost certainly take a toll on your great team, both those who are asked to leave and those who stay. There is no question that everyone will be affected and the careful balance you have achieved will need to be rebuilt. It is a lot.

I have spoken to a few people who have a lot of experience with this (sadly, quite a large community) and have come up with a few ideas for you.

In my initial Googling around I found some potentially useful research: “Developing a framework for responsible downsizing through best fit: the importance of regulatory, procedural, communication and employment responsibilities” by Christopher J. McLachlan. It isn’t a meta study but it does have a solid literature review on the topic of responsible downsizing and, astonishingly, it provides exactly what you asked for: a framework. It hurt my brain a little to digest it, but I think will be worth your while.

The article covers the four areas of responsibility to consider as you think through your plan: regulatory, procedural, communication, and employment. One highlight that stood out, and one of the most critical things to keep in mind, is the importance of procedural, distributive, informational, and interactional justice in the course downsizing:

“… employees and stakeholders are more likely to perceive the process fair if ‘proper’ procedures have been seen to be followed. Heightened perceptions of responsibility amongst employees and stakeholders can be generated if procedural aspects such as selection criteria, transparency and accuracy of information, sufficient compensation policies and employee involvement are seen to be delivered equitably. Subsequently, perceptions of fairness can enhance the motivation and commitment of the post-downsizing workforce.”

You will definitely want to seek guidance from your HR partners to:

1. Formulate the plan according to company procedures and cultural values;
2. Ensure that your people are involved in the process, and
3. Ensure that decision-making criteria are clearly communicated.

As you begin thinking about who stays, who goes, and why, here are a few other things to consider—all from leaders who have recently been through this exact challenge.

• Yes, all of your folks are high performers—as far as you know. If you have not been getting clear feedback from their clients to assess who is demonstrating the most engagement, customer service, and cultural fit, now may be the time to do that. Pick up the phone and call your most active customers to assess their satisfaction level with the service they have been getting.
• First in/ first out is rarely the best way to go. It’s possible that it could work from a procedural fairness standpoint, but it won’t necessarily serve you, your team, or your long-term goals. It might also set a precedent you don’t want when the time comes to rebuild your team to full capacity. I hate to say it, but sometimes the most tenured people with the highest salaries have the lowest amount of flexibility and eagerness to jump in with both feet on new systems and processes, or the willingness to go the extra mile on a Friday afternoon. This is tricky to navigate but it will certainly contribute to every single remaining team member’s desire to stay relevant and add value.
• Consider speaking candidly with each person on the team to assess career goals and dreams. You might have someone who wants to retire and will be okay with going earlier than planned (with a generous severance). Or maybe you have team members who would prefer part-time work, or who would be willing to go part-time for a while as they are busy with a sick family member, or who need to take some time for their own self-care. You’ll never know if a creative compromise could serve both parties until you go looking.

In our company, at the beginning of Covid, every single employee who made over base salary took a 20% salary cut. It was a shared pain for all, but it worked.

• Possibly some of your people might find an opportunity elsewhere in the organization? This is obvious, low-hanging fruit, but an idea anyway.

Ask yourself:

• What skill sets, traits, and attributes are most important to me and to the success of this team? In the end, you want to end up with most capable team. It will depend on your own internal calculations of ROI for each person. This is cold, but true.
• Who are the fast and willing learners who will be better utility players—willing and able to cross train, to widen scope? These will be the ones to keep for the long-term roller coaster. Because it is a solid bet that the turbulence is going to continue.

Once you have formulated your approach and built your communication plan, you will need to be clear and strong. Key points here:

1. Take personal responsibility for all decisions, once made, and stand by them.
2. Don’t waiver. Be brief, kind, and to the point. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into a debate. Just stick to the facts and the next steps. If you need to write out your script, do it.
3. Acknowledge the difficulty, the pain, and the sadness, but don’t dwell on it. Be prepared with tissues if you think they might be needed. I never have them when I need them, so now I keep a stash in my office. Having emotions is just part of being human.

In terms of taking care of yourself, I encourage you to engage in activities that bring you joy. And make sure you get enough rest, proper nutrition, and sleep. Those are the first to go under stress—and, of course, they are what you most need as you face this challenge. Here is an excellent Whitepaper: Building Resilience in Times of Crisis by Melaina Spitzer. It will provide you with more tips and the neuroscience behind them. Ultimately, you will have to step up and do your best with the things you can control and find ways to let go of the things you can’t. The madness and upheaval doesn’t seem to be slowing down, and it is exhausting. Anything you can do to take care of yourself so you can take care of your people will be good.

Thank you for sending in the question and sharing your situation. It is quite common. I hope the conversation will help our readers feel less alone and provide real value.

You are clearly thoughtful and caring. I am confident that you will make the best of these rotten circumstances while building your own resilience and that of your team. That is really all you can do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I need your professional advice on career goals or growth.

I worked in the construction industry for 25 years, starting out as an electrician and moving up to a field manager. I essentially went from pulling wiring through conduit to managing the entire field operation on very large, multi-million-dollar commercial and industrial projects. During this time I also was in the US Army National Guard and was called to active duty in 2002. I was wounded in combat and spent the next three years in and out of hospitals and physical therapy.

When I went back to work, I had a hard time with the physical aspects of my job. I decided to use my VA benefits and found a new job with the federal government as an engineering technician. I was technically still in the field, but now I was just making sure others did what they were contracted to do. It was easier work, fewer hours, and a much more secure future. I have done government work now in various roles for 15 years and have moved up the GS ladder in pay and responsibility.

The government is always pushing for individual and leadership development—“grow up, not down” kind of stuff. To be honest, I’m happy where I am. I don’t want more responsibility and I don’t really want to be a supervisor any longer. When I have said this to my current boss and to some past bosses, they have all asked me why I don’t just go back to the private sector if I feel that way. I don’t understand this, because the growth and development situation was essentially the same in the private sector.

Here’s my question: am I wrong? Should I grow even though I’ll be miserable? I know I won’t be the best I can be. I’m a very good leader but not a good manager. I can inspire others and motivate them to be part of the team, to be themselves, and to contribute all they can in their way. I have an open, creative, teaching mind but I hate the daily grind of supervising people, the miasma of mundane paperwork and budgets, and the sand in my eyes at the end of a long day of computer work.

I have 10 years left before retiring to just work when I want to work, so should I give the government 10 good years doing what I want or should I give them 10 years doing what they want? I’m at the most common rank in the management levels of government service. I have been more senior and could easily keep going on up, but I’d rather just take it easy and slack off on growing and doing.

I know it sounds like I don’t care, but that isn’t it. I just really like the way the job is at this level. Am I wrong in wanting this?

Done Pushing

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Done Pushing,

No. Just No.

Thoughts and feelings are what they are and simply can’t be wrong. The only thing you can do that’s wrong is take an action you may regret without having carefully consulted your thoughts and feelings.

I tried to shorten your letter but I wanted our readers to get the whole picture. It seems to me that you have done more than your duty to your government by anyone’s standards. You’ve earned the right to create your life exactly the way you want it to be. And just who, I ask, is the arbiter of what anyone has earned or deserves? It also sounds like you do your job well and are satisfied with the compensation, so it is a fair exchange.

Long ago I worked with an opera singer who was immensely gifted and had put in long hours to develop her natural talent. She was on the brink of stardom when she realized that the life and career of an opera star wasn’t what she wanted. She was extremely religious and tortured herself with the thought that because God gave her the gift of an extraordinary voice, she was obligated to use it. At the time, I was specializing in working with creative geniuses, many with the overwhelming problem of having been born with multiple gifts. This includes the singer, who was also good at many other things. So the notion that you are obligated to develop and use your gifts just doesn’t compute when you have entirely too many. It took seeing the world through the eyes of these clients for me to realize a principle that I lean on to this day:

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

And that goes for everyone. Including you.

In the singer’s case, she felt beholden to God. In your case, you feel somehow beholden to your government. I can’t speak for God, obviously, but I will say that his ways are inscrutable and mysterious, so you have to listen to your inner voice and your heart. I say the only debts you owe are to yourself and the people you have made promises to.  It doesn’t sound like you are breaking any promises you made to your employer. And you would not be putting your integrity at risk for failing to accept a promotion.

Let’s face it—growth requires discomfort. Some people love being in a constant state of growth and relish the challenge. Others don’t. You might take a few years off to rest and then get bored and change your mind. Or you might not. It is not for anyone else to judge your choices; not that they won’t (ha ha), but it really makes no material difference to you. You can take the pushy advice lightly, say thank you, and change the subject. No use burning bridges, so keep your options open.

The most miserable, unhappy people I have worked with were almost all in a state where they had created a life that others wanted for them, not one they wanted for themselves. And the higher you go, the harder it is to undo those choices.

So no. You aren’t wrong. You get one life, my friend. Are you going to live it the way you want, or the way others want?

I hope this is helpful.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

I’ve been talking about servant leadership for years, so I was happy to see that the topic is now trending in business. Maybe people are finally understanding that servant leadership is not a lax situation where the inmates are running the prison. Instead, it’s a two-part process: the leadership part, where the leader plays a visionary/strategic role, and the servant part, where the leader serves others as they help implement the agreed-upon vision.

But what does it look like in real life when a leader turns the hierarchical pyramid upside down and serves others as they work toward their goals? I’ll give you two great examples.

My first example comes from Shirley Bullard, who served as our company’s chief administrative officer and vice president of HR until her recent retirement. In Servant Leadership in Action, Shirley writes:

“In October of 2007, wildfires of epic proportions were racing through San Diego County. People’s lives were upended as they were awakened in the middle of the night to the smell of smoke and a reverse 911 call with a recorded voice telling them to evacuate their home and move to a safer location. For some people in those early hours, a safer location meant our offices at The Ken Blanchard Companies.

“The first call I received was from my assistant, who had stayed up all night watching the deadly paths of the fires and was letting me know that a major freeway had been closed down. In fast succession, call number two came from our facilities manager, reporting that some of our people and their loved ones and pets had taken refuge in one of our buildings. I did not need to wait for a third call. I was up, dressed, and speeding to the office. The first person I met was our facilities manager, who had secured the campus and now wanted to know what to do about those who had taken shelter in our offices. I corrected him instantly—we needed to think about what to do for those people.

“I knew I needed to go to be with them, because I had not experienced the trauma this group had been through that morning: being uprooted by the sound of law enforcement telling them to get out of their homes and get out now. As I remember, there were about fifteen people, including children with tears in their eyes. Some had brought along pets, who were panting and confused. I gave hugs to everyone I knew and got introduced to the others. My next task was to get them food and anything else they needed to be more comfortable. My continuing mission was to put others first—to let them know what we knew, to give them some sense of what to do next, and to give them hope.”

Margie and I lost our home in that fire, yet the tremendous outpouring of love and support from our friends, family, and associates proved to us that it’s people who really matter.

My second example features Southwest Airlines’ cofounder and CEO, my late friend Herb Kelleher. Herb certainly had a big leadership role in setting the company’s vision “to be the world’s most loved, most efficient, and most profitable airline.” Yet he didn’t hesitate to humble himself and serve his people to make that vision come alive. In Lead with LUV, Colleen Barrett, president emerita of Southwest, writes:

“One of the most influential things that ever happened to me … occurred when I was a young secretary working with Herb. We had a mailer that had to get out, and everything that could go wrong with it went wrong. It had to be in the mail the next day. Well, the day before, the copy machine broke down and the postage was somehow wrong. So all of these envelopes that had been stuffed had to be retyped, and this was not when you could just push a button and it would happen. You did it all yourself, manually. So, it was about eight o’clock at night, the night they had to be postmarked, and we had to start all over again.

“Herb sat right there with me until four o’clock in the morning, on the floor, licking envelopes and putting stamps on envelopes, because we didn’t have a postage machine. I’ll never forget it. My gosh. And he could have even thought that it was my fault that the mailing had gone wrong. But he didn’t. He just jumped right in there with me. That was a really valuable lesson for me, so I’ve always tried to remember it and emulate it.”

The important part of Colleen’s story is that Herb demonstrated through his actions that he put the needs of others before his own ego to help Colleen and the company perform as highly as possible.

I’m glad that the business world is finally figuring out that when leaders practice “the power of love rather than the love of power,” they unleash people’s loyalty, motivation, and potential.

If you’d like to know more about the practical application of servant leadership, take a look at my webinar with Randy Conley—coauthor of our recent book, Simple Truths of Leadership—by clicking here: Servant Leadership for a Next Generation Workforce. It’s never too late to become a servant leader!

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP of sales for a US-based fitness and weight loss website that is in hypergrowth. I started with the company about eight years ago and rose through the ranks, figuring things out as I went.

About 18 months ago, my regional counterpart (I was East, he was West) quit suddenly when someone else was promoted to chief sales officer over him. The amount of regional VPs I managed suddenly doubled and I had a new boss. She came from sales operations, has never sold so much as a Girl Scout cookie, and depends on me for everything.

Since she started, my work has been nothing but a slog. In 2021, I got no recognition or appreciation from my new boss when—despite the doubling of my workload and the crazy COVID disruption—we crushed our sales quotas for 2020. This past year, in addition to my ten regular direct reports, I covered for someone who went out on a six-month medical leave. When I asked for a promotion to senior executive VP, my boss couldn’t understand why that mattered to me and denied me the title change. Then just a couple of weeks ago, without any discussion or explanation, she changed my comp plan. I did the math and discovered I essentially got a pay cut.

It seems like the harder I try and the better I do, the less I am making and the less they care about me. I have tried several times to share with my boss what motivates me (title, money), but she doesn’t listen and doesn’t care. I have received no feedback at all on what I might be doing wrong, so it isn’t a performance issue.

I don’t want to leave my people high and dry, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. How do I make the decision to stay or go? I get calls from headhunters all day long, the industry I am in is exploding, and I have an amazing track record. All my friends think I am nuts for staying. What do you think?

Stay or Go?

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stay or Go?

This sounds really hard. It is hard to imagine what your boss is thinking. Why, if you are doing so well, would she be lowering your comp and denying you something (a title) that costs her nothing when it is so clearly important to you?

I guess my question is: What is keeping you where you are? You don’t want to leave your people high and dry—that’s it? You don’t mention how much you love the company, or the product/service you are selling and the difference it makes in the world. That tells me you will probably be much happier in an environment where your boss appreciates your skills, cares about what matters to you, and has the professionalism to manage conversations like a change in comp properly. I mean, seriously, a change in compensation for a sales professional requires delicacy, tact, and lots of negotiation. I am not in sales, but I know something like that shouldn’t just be an announcement.

Is it possible that because you started in the company early and rose up, you feel a strong sense of ownership that is keeping you stuck somewhere you aren’t appreciated?

What if you were to give yourself one last quarter to do your utmost to prepare your team to be as successful as possible without you, then respond to those headhunters and find a company that will recognize your value and treat you better?

I think when everything becomes an uphill battle, your boss sends messages that you don’t matter, and you are asking yourself every day how much longer you can hold on, those are clues that it might be time to go.

Did I miss something? Only you will know.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a veteran employee of a large, very healthy organization. I like the company and my co-workers. I’ve had plenty of advancement opportunities and I think my comp package is fair.

I have been managing people for a long time and feel that I am skilled. I am not just tooting my own horn—I get great feedback from my people and my boss is happy with my work. I would go so far as to say that I have had a fantastic career. I only have a few years left before I retire, which I look forward to—lots of grandkids to take fishing, golf, hiking, volunteer work for my local homeless shelter—and really thought I would stay here until I retire.

However, I get calls from headhunters. All the time. I get emails, voice mails, and now, somehow, they have my cell number so I have stopped picking up numbers I don’t recognize. I did have one conversation with someone who tried to convince me that I could have a shot at a senior executive position and a lot more money if I were to consider going elsewhere.

My wife thinks I am nuts not to explore the possibilities, but it feels like Pandora’s box to me. I like things the way they are. What would be the point of starting over someplace new? But then I worry that I might regret it if I don’t at least take a look at what’s being offered.

If it Ain’t Broke

________________________________________________________________________

Dear If it Ain’t Broke,

Don’t fix it.

Sorry you handed that to me on a silver platter. But seriously, don’t.

There are two questions here:

1. What is driving your wife’s agenda? Has she told you that you seem bored? Unengaged? Frustrated with your management team? Does she want you to make a lot more money? Perhaps she is bored with her own life and hopes that your making a big change will be entertaining? Does she resent, perhaps, that you don’t get enough time off to hang out with her? (Not that starting a new job will alleviate that!) The sooner you learn what is at the root of your wife’s opinion that you should turn your wonderful work life upside down, the better. There might be something to learn there.
2. If you were to stay where you are, what would you regret? Regret is yucky. Because it is wishing you could change the past, which is impossible. Do you judge yourself because you were once more ambitious? Did you once have dreams that you abandoned because of responsibilities? Would you be able to realize those dreams in a different company? Have you always wanted to be on an executive team or be the boss of everyone? If that is the case, you might want to go for it.

But what you really don’t want is to make a big leap to start over someplace else, only to find that you miss what you had. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants?

As a coach, I have a duty to help people get crystal clear about their values (what is most important to them), their needs (what they must have to fire on all cylinders), and their wants. In that order. For people to feel most fulfilled, they need first to be in an environment that feels aligned with their values, and then they must get their core psychological needs met. After that, they can use whatever time and energy they have left to get (or do) what they want. Anytime a person shakes up their environment, they must spend enormous brain power and energy stabilizing in a new system. This is why moving houses feels like a such a big deal. Moving jobs is even more of a big deal.

Moving jobs makes sense when you:

• can’t use your strengths,
• can’t change or grow,
• are crushed by political mayhem,
• hate what you are doing,
• hate the people you work with,
• are bored to tears,
• have too much responsibility without the autonomy or authority to use your own judgment, or
• have a fundamental problem with what the company does.

Moving jobs does not make sense to you for a reason; from your letter, it sounds like several reasons. Unless as you read this you get a flood of good reasons to move that you hadn’t thought of, I say enjoy the next few years where you are.

Have the conversation with your wife, though. You might uncover something she really wants that is causing her to push you. Then you can build a plan to help her get what she wants and let go of this conversation.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a great job that I love, with a terrific company. I kind of stumbled into it and felt really lucky to find a job that suits me, with people I respect and like.

I recently had a performance review and my boss made it clear to me that the sky is the limit for me in the company, including a shot at executive leadership in the long term. The thing is, I’ve never given any thought to moving up. I’ve just had my head down trying to do a good job without really considering what might be next. I’ve never seen myself as someone who might even manage people, let alone whole sections of the business.

This apparent lack of ambition might have something to do with the fact that I am an athlete and spend all of my free time training for ultra-marathons and triathlons. I don’t know if I can really do both—rise through the ranks at work and continue to compete as an athlete.

I have made a list of pros and cons (which my Dad recommended) and scoured the internet for help, but I am none the wiser. I’m not at all sure about what I want.

What are your thoughts on this?

Uncertain

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Uncertain,

How delightful to field a good problem! Because it is good; I am sure you know that. But that doesn’t mean it is easy or simple. This sudden vision of possibility will trigger some research and some deep introspection. The great news is that you have time on your side.

The traditional pros and cons list is useful to gain clarity on binary decisions—go/no go, do this or do that—where you have a lot of information. But this decision is not binary, it is extremely complex; and you don’t have nearly enough information. You need to learn not only about what is possible for you but also about who you are and what is important to you.

First: Gather information about what is possible for you.

How to do that? Start by collecting intel about what it might look and feel like to be a senior executive. The most expedient way to do this would be to identify senior people in your organization and ask for an informational meeting. It doesn’t have to take long. Most leaders are happy to be tapped for advice, and most people love to talk about themselves.

To help you shape an idea about what a day in the life is like for a senior executive in your company, try asking questions such as:

• What are your values? Over the years, what has been most important to you?
• Have you been able to stay aligned with your own values as you have risen through the ranks?
• What are your most and least favorite parts of your job?
• What has been most surprising to you about moving into executive leadership?
• How do you spend the bulk of your time?
• What does life/work balance look like to you?
• Have you been able to enjoy other things in your life outside of work?
• Where do you feel you have had to compromise?
• Do you have any regrets?
• What advice do you have for me?

Of course you are not the people you will be interviewing. That’s why it is so important to understand each person’s values. The more people you interview, the broader a picture you will be able to paint for yourself.

Second: Gather information about who you really are and what matters most to you.

It sounds like you are on the younger side, and God knows we are all a work in progress no matter what stage we are in. So whatever you identify right now will only be a start—but it will help you build and refine the answers over time.

I found a great model in one of my all-time favorite go-to books, aptly named The Decision Book: 50 Models for Strategic Thinking by Krogerus and Tschappeler. I cannot recommend it highly enough because it is simply an overview of a bunch of terrific models to shape our thinking around:

• How to understand yourself better
• How to improve yourself
• How to understand others better
• How to improve others

It contains almost all of the models I use with clients again and again.

Your first stop, I believe, will be the Crossroads Model, which comes from a consulting firm called The Grove. Here are the questions it proposes you answer:

• Where have you come from?
  • How have you become who you are?
  • What have been: main decisions, events, obstacles in your life; who are your influences?
  • Think about: your education, your home, where you grew up.
  • What are key words that strike you as important?
• What is really important to you?
  • Write down the first 3 things that come into your head.
  • What are your values?
  • What do you believe in?
  • Which principles are important to you?
  • When everything else fails, what remains?
• Which people are important to you?
  • Whose opinions do you value?
  • Who has influenced your decisions, who has affected your decisions?
  • Who do you like, who do you fear?
• What is hindering you?
  • What in your life prevents you from thinking about the important things?
  • Which deadlines are in your head and what prevents you from making them?
  • What do you have to do, and when?
• What are you afraid of?
  • List the things, circumstances, or people that cause you to worry and rob you of your strength.
  • What things, circumstances, or people make you worry?

Now look at your notes. What is on your list and what is missing? What is your story?

Study the roads that lie ahead of you. There are 6 examples. Imagine each one.

1. The road that beckons: what have you always wanted to try?
2. The road you imagine in your wildest dreams, regardless of whether it is achievable or not: what do you dream of?
3. The road that seems most sensible to you—the one that people whose opinion you value would suggest to you.
4. The road not traveled: the one you have never considered before.
5. The road you have already been down.
6. The road back, to a place you once felt safe.

You have your work cut for you, Uncertain. I am absolutely convinced that if you get a start on these two ideas, you will have a lot more certainty—not soon, but soon enough. You don’t need to rush. Make your plan, get going on it, take your time, and stay relaxed. Don’t listen to anyone who claims to know what your path should be. Do your due diligence and listen to your own inner voice, and you will know enough to at least take the next step.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP of sales in an organization that is growing insanely fast. I have a brand new Chief Sales Officer and my regional counterpart just quit—so I have gone from four direct reports leading 300 people to seven direct reports leading 700 people.

I would have thought my number one job would be to make sure everyone is on track with their quotas—but, as it turns out, no. I mean yes, but in addition to my new boss being hell-bent on my getting everyone to quota, I have to complete 27 projects. I am not kidding. I sat down over the weekend to create thumbnail project plans for each project and there are literally 27.

I tried to talk her out of my needing to complete all 27, and to get her to prioritize them—you know, the 80/20 rule—but she just waved her hand and said: “You are such a rock star; I know you will figure this out.”

I am so overwhelmed, I don’t even know where to start. Everyone is barely keeping up as it is because there has been so much change in the organization. I can’t even begin to imagine how we are going to get everything done.

Any thoughts will be appreciated. I think …

My Boss is Nuts

____________________________________________________________________

Dear My Boss is Nuts,

Well, she might be. Or, more likely, she is just very green. She is making the classic rookie error of so many who want to make a splash when they hit the C-Suite: too much, too soon, too fast.

If your new CSO is like any other in a fast-growing organization, she is probably being driven by a relentless CEO who is being driven by an uncompromising board and very vocal investors or shareholders. She hasn’t figured out how to discern between what really matters to her CEO and Board and what is just an idea—so she is just going to pile it on you. It is the senior leader equivalent of throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks. It is a terrible strategy, but a lot more common than you’d think.

So it is up to you to figure out what matters most and what is actually doable. The first thing to do is create a matrix of all the projects and organize them by:

1. the ones that will make the biggest impact on revenue generation; and
2. the level of difficulty.

Since hitting or exceeding quota is job number one, prioritize everything that will help everyone to do that. Start with the least complicated and get a toehold on the more complex, longer term ones.

Everything else can get slotted into the calendar after these get going. You may or may not ever get to them—but if you are crushing the numbers and most important projects, it won’t matter that much. Then the projects that are still important will bubble to the top and the rest will just fade away.

Don’t forget that you have seven VPs, they all presumably have multiple directors, and you actually have 700 human beings to deploy to make this all happen. That is a lot of manpower available to you. Last time I checked, sales people tend to be very motivated by bonuses.

So sit down with your seven VPs and think this through. Spread the work. Be creative. Be clear about outcomes. Create timelines. Share them with your boss and invite feedback. You probably won’t get much—she obviously trusts your judgement.

You probably can’t get everything done, but you can absolutely get the most important things done.

Trust that your boss trusts you and that you will absolutely figure it out. Breathe, keep your wits about you, and rock on.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve been managing a couple of teams located around the globe. Recently, our business has exploded, and I find that I am losing control of things. My question is: how do I help my people clarify when they need to include me in big decisions and when they don’t? I’ve never had this issue in the past—but we are doing so much and things are moving so fast. I need to find another way, because mistakes are being made and I am held responsible. I really don’t want to make anyone feel bad or demotivated. I actually appreciate that people are taking things into their own hands—until of course, they mess up.

I’ve never had any management training, but I assume people who do learn how to deal with this kind of thing. Any ideas?

Big Mistakes

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Big Mistakes,

I wouldn’t worry about training; you seem to be doing awfully well on your own. At least you have the right mindset—which, frankly, no amount of training can shift for some people. And at least the problem you are grappling with is a good problem to have. Nothing succeeds like success!

I know of three concepts/models that might be helpful to you here. One is our time-tested, research-based flagship model, SLII®. Essentially, it helps managers and direct reports break down all goals and tasks, diagnose the competence and confidence of the employee in relation to each task, and then identify exactly what kind of leadership style is needed. You can access a cool e-book about it here.

Things have changed in the last few months. If people are making bad decisions, it’s because they are doing new tasks that they aren’t competent enough to fly solo with. That’s all. They are perfectly able to develop their competence, but first they need clear direction from you as well as some practice that you can supervise at critical stages. Ultimately, you will be able to trust them to have good judgment. So first read up on the model, then get super clear about where people are making mistakes and what is new about those instances. When you have conversations, you can own that you hadn’t given clear direction before and you wouldn’t expect a person to know something you had never told them. That way, you aren’t criticizing—you are simply correcting your own oversight while creating an environment in which the commitment is to transfer the capability for the future. It is good for them, and it frees you up.

Another concept, which I wrote about recently in this column, is Waterline. I learned this concept from W.L. Gore & Associates, where it is a company value. Your people need to know in no uncertain terms where their decision-making authority ends and when they need to consult you or others. If they understand the big picture well enough, they can assess the risk of each decision and know when the consequences of a mistake will be unacceptable.

The last model you may find useful is the RACI Chart. The RACI Chart, sometimes called a matrix, is used in project management for complex operations such as software design—but it is also good to use when working to create something new as a group. If you are growing in leaps and bounds, this is a great way to create clear agreements about exactly who is doing what and who they need to involve, consult, or work with. Once again, it’s up to you to gain clarity on all tasks and who is responsible for executing on the actions to achieve them. You also know who they need to consult with and gain input from on the plan, and who ultimately is accountable for making sure things are done correctly and according to timeline. You probably did this intuitively before, but didn’t have a chance to revisit everything as things began to change.

Since it seems like you generally trust your people and care about making them feel appreciated, no one will mind your pushing for increased clarity. Nobody wants to make mistakes—it is embarrassing! You can be crystal clear about decisions that need to be run by you as you develop your people and eventually empower them to make decisions on their own. In the end, you will have much stronger people and be able to grow that much faster.

Let me know which model is most useful to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

It still will be months until my company invites us all back to work in the office, so until then, we are all WFH. I miss my work friends and the hallway conversations that helped us deal with situations on the fly. I definitely don’t miss the commute or having to make myself presentable every day. I’ve saved literally hundreds of dollars in dry cleaning fees!

A co-worker has invited me to a face to face, after work drinks gathering. I understand about ten people are going—some I know very well who seem sensible and some I don’t know at all. It is to take place indoors at a popular restaurant near work. The COVID-19 numbers in our town are going down and people seem to think it is safe to go out.

My parents live nearby, and I have been dropping off meals and running errands for them about three times a week. I go into their house, put groceries away, do some laundry, and hang out a little to keep them company. I’ve been very careful. I have no way of knowing if the people going to the meetup have been taking safety precautions, but when I asked if we would all be wearing masks my co-worker just laughed. I laughed too, but it seems like a red flag. I don’t feel comfortable grilling people on their behavior regarding the virus, partly because it seems judgy—but also, the topic has become so political in ways I don’t really understand or care about.

I would like to go, though, because I am going a little stir crazy. I like the idea of supporting the restaurant. Also, I value my work relationships and don’t want to be out of the loop. But I have my parents to think about. It all feels too risky to me.

Am I being ridiculous?

Nervous Nellie

Dear Nervous Nellie,

Although I feel invincible myself (with no evidence whatsoever, mind you), I have at-risk in-laws. Since a high priority is spending time with them, you can call me Nellie, too.

How it all got political is beyond me. All I care about is avoiding an error in judgment that could cause pain or suffering to someone I love. That’s what I am hearing from you. In fact, I hear that you are willing to sacrifice some fun and connecting time—and possibly even maintaining your edge at work—to keep your parents safe. That sounds like care and kindness to me, not ridiculousness.

Let’s consider some options.

• You could call your friend and explain your situation. I have experienced a couple of events now where everyone who was going to meet in person talked through the rules of engagement before the event. All had to be willing to practice extreme safety for two weeks before the event and everyone got tested before the event. That may be overkill in this case, but I do think an in-person gathering needs some agreed-upon guidelines at this point in the evolution of the pandemic. If the majority are willing to just wing it, well, you have your answer. You don’t have to judge people who are willing to take risks, but you also don’t need to be one of them.
• You could suggest/find an outdoor venue to replace the indoor venue, which could lower the risk of being exposed.
• You could take your chances, attend the event, and have someone else tend to your parents’ needs for two weeks. Give yourself a little break from being so responsible.
• You could decide to play it safe and ask your friends to FaceTime you into the gathering. I mean, that’s a drag, but it would be something. Just think, you wouldn’t need a designated driver!

Ultimately, you are allowed to have your concerns even if you are afraid that some people might hold it against you. You can share your concerns and what is true for you without criticizing or censuring anyone else. How others respond is up to them. I tend to think of choices in terms of potential future regrets. These hard, fraught times will pass (eventually—not nearly quickly enough), and your future self will be so much happier if you and your parents get through it all unharmed.

Follow your best judgment and, more importantly, your heart. You don’t have to call yourself names.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

Ever since the beginning of this work-from-home situation, our entire department feels like it is on hold. The reason? Our seriously old school boss is not at all comfortable with meeting via phone or web conferencing. He was always a stickler for meeting in person, and has just kind of fallen apart. I can’t even get him to return calls or respond to emails.

I have serious questions about how to prioritize work—about 50% of our department has been laid off and the workload is staggering. I have no insight into what is going on in our organization and I am having a hard time concentrating.

On My Own

Dear On My Own,

Things are unsettled enough without your boss going radio silent. That must feel scary. Now is the time for managers to be spending more time with their people, not less! Here are some ideas for you.

• Ask for feedback on your communication style. Maybe you are annoying. Maybe just ask, “Is there something I should know?”

• Make your communications easy to answer, with clear subject lines and questions that can be answered with either yes or no. When people get “wall of words” emails with lots of ideas in them, they sometimes leave them for later because they require focus and time to respond. Relieve your boss of the need to think, and you might just get a response.

• If you really need your boss to think, make your emails super succinct and easy to read. One of my favorite tools is the ABC method from The Hamster Revolution. The ABC method splits your message into three parts: Action, Background and Close. A – Action summarizes exactly what you want. B – Background provides key context; why you want it. C – Close proposes next steps and how/when you expect follow-up.

• In terms of priorities, use your own judgment to lay out what you think they should be. Put your work/task list in priority order and make clear what will not get done in a normal work week. Make your subject line: My Priorities Unless I Hear Otherwise. (Well, that’s what I would say—that might feel aggressive to you. Soften if you must.)

• I have no sense of what your work life was like before the Covid crazy. Did you and your boss have a decent relationship? If so, you might ask him if he is okay and if there is anything you can do for him. Maybe tell him you are worried about him.

• If you don’t hear anything in the next seven days, go to HR or your boss’s boss. Maybe he was fired, or has gone on leave of some sort, and they forgot to tell you. Crazier things have happened—and goodness knows, these are certainly off times.

• It sounds like you are awfully isolated. Get in touch with peers and friends you have in the organization to see what you can find out, and make some connections.

Breathe deeply—and remember, before all of this you were capable, competent, and able to concentrate. Now use your best judgment about how to spend your work time and go to it. Do your best. That’s all you can do.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the GM for a small brewery that has been shut down during the COVID-19 crisis as non-essential. However, the owner believes it is still worthwhile to stay open to serve take-out customers, which is allowed according to the shutdown rules. Because I am the GM, I have been designated as the lone onsite worker. I am happy to still have some work instead of going to zero revenue, but I am worried that I might contract the virus or bring it home to my roommates.

I thought staying open for takeout was a good idea until a few days ago, when the lockdown took effect in our area. The takeout business has now trickled to almost nil. I have tried to reason with my boss, but he insists that I need to show up for work and serve the few customers that are still coming in.

Before, I felt the risk I was taking was worth it to keep the business afloat. But now with sales slowed to a standstill, it just seems stupid to me.

Because I have asthma, my anxiety is ratcheting up as each day goes by. Can I be fired if I don’t want to work during this time? I would much rather stay safe at home and collect unemployment.

Agitated

Dear Agitated,

I can empathize with your anxiety. I recently watched a video on how to safely grocery shop and get your groceries home and stored properly. I have been doing it all wrong! We all need to seriously up our game to stay safe right now, and even then there are no guarantees.

I really can’t give you legal advice, as I am sure you are aware. All states have different regulations around the meaning of “lockdown” and “essential business.” You can probably get the detail you need on your state’s protections for employees online. To stay on top of California’s updates, I have been using the New York Times website that tracks all states. I poked around to find a real answer to your question and didn’t find much—probably because the situation you are in, although common right now, is still a fresh one. Here is one article that directly addresses the issue of how “essential” is defined—loosely—and what employees can do if they are forced to work under what they feel are unsafe conditions.

The most important thing right now is your assurance that it is safe for you to continue working. I assume the owners are providing you with everything you need to protect yourself—if not, I say you should leave right now.

Let’s say you do have all the protections you need. After educating yourself on all the precautions necessary, do you still believe you are taking a risk? My sense is that your answer is probably yes. If that is the case, you need to go back to your bosses and move past trying to talk reason to saying you are not signed up for this job. If the owners are so hell-bent on staying open, it is up to them to serve the odd customer who needs a growler filled. If that gets you fired, well, fine—then you can get unemployment. When this dark time is behind us, you can go get a new job in a company that makes the safety of their employees a priority.

If on the other hand you carefully review your situation and think, “Okay, this is safe enough, I can do this,” then why not? In another week or two, you will probably appreciate being able to get out of your house.

We have to balance our fear with common sense. I know it is hard to do. I keep convincing myself I am sick because I am short of breath, only to realize that it is because I am holding my breath. That isn’t helpful.

So move slowly, take all precautions, breathe, and stay fully present to each moment. You will know the right thing to do.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

How do people who are comfortable with finite games like football or chess learn to flourish in a world that operates with an infinite mindset? In his latest book, The Infinite Game, Simon Sinek explains how leaders must learn to operate with the understanding that business isn’t about winning or losing—it’s about being ahead or being behind.

With finite games, players are easily identified, rules are fixed, and there is a clear end point. In the infinite games of business or politics, players come and go, rules are changeable, and there is no defined end point. The keys to navigating with an infinite mindset are to focus on innovation and to remain resilient during constantly changing times.

We can all too easily see the results of leaders who operate with a finite mindset—mass layoffs, cut-throat work environments, shareholder supremacy (placing stock prices above a person’s worth), and unethical business practices. These practices are so common that many have come to accept them.

But Sinek believes the situation will change when leaders operate with an infinite mindset. These leaders leave the company better than they found it because they serve and foster employees’ willingness to show up, work hard, and take care of each other. These leaders build trusting work environments where people depend on each other to make remarkable things happen.

Above all, Sinek wants to build a world where most people wake up inspired every morning, feel safe at work, and return home fulfilled at the end of the day. With leaders who think beyond short term and focus on the long term, this kind of world is possible. Leaders who operate with an infinite mindset will build stronger, more innovative, more inspiring organizations that will lead us into the future.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Simon Sinek, listen to the LeaderChat podcast, and subscribe today. Order The Infinite Game on Amazon.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I am what’s called a “people leader”—I lead individual contributors at a global software giant. I am also a technical contributor as a subject matter expert in a specific application.

I don’t love managing people. I am quite reserved and I find it tiring—but it is the only way to get ahead in this company. I’ve always thought I would stay here forever and rise through the ranks. But there has been so much change over the last 18 months that I have had three different bosses. The last one barely seems to know I am alive and has no idea about my technical expertise.

The person who runs the team on which I am an SME disagrees with the strategic direction of the organization and is planning to leave. He wants to take me with him. He is convincing me that if I went, I would make a lot more money and be able to focus on my technical expertise. I am single and could move, although I would be leaving my family and friends.

I have gotten myself into a state and have no idea what I should I do. Thoughts?

Stay or Go?

Dear Stay or Go,

Ah, these big life decisions. Of course, I can’t recommend a course of action one way or the other. I personally have a bias toward action, which has brought me enormous joy and probably more than my fair share of really bad mistakes. But I can help you review the situation as you have laid it out.

You enjoy the technical part of your job, but you have been pressured into managing people. The company you work for is unstable and you get no attention or support from management. The one senior person who seems to grasp and appreciate your value is leaving the company and wants to take you with him. So far, he has made promises, but as yet you have received no official offer. If you were to agree to an attractive offer, you would have to move and leave a settled life with an established community.

Essentially, you just don’t have enough information yet. I think before you do anything rash, you have to get a solid offer that includes a substantial raise, a clear job description, and your moving expenses covered. Until then, it is all pure speculation.

But this event is a bit of a wake-up call that everything is not quite right in your current position. And it’s an opportunity for you to define for yourself what would be better for you. To make these big life decisions, it is helpful for you to understand your core psychological needs and your values.

Values are important. What makes you smile? What do you gravitate to naturally? What gives you energy and pleasure? Ask yourself: Will I be more aligned with my values in this new situation?

Your needs are even more critical. They are what you have to have. To figure out your needs, think about what you must have to be fully functional. It sounds like you might have a need to pursue your mastery of your technical expertise, but you have no need to be in charge of other people.

Some needs don’t really become apparent until they aren’t met. One of the best ways to identify your needs is to think about a time when you behaved badly or became almost sick with unhappiness. Chances are some fundamental need wasn’t being met. What was it?

Do you like to be appreciated or do you need it? Do you like having a close community near you, or do you need it? If you get a reasonable offer, you will want to ask yourself Will I be able to rebuild a life in a new place where I can get what I need to be stable?

If I could be so bold, I’d like to recommend my book Leverage Your Best in this column. It has some great detail on needs and values and it might be worth your while. The more you understand about yourself, the easier it will be to make these big life choices.

If in the passage of time and events you decide to stay where you are, this exploration will still be useful and will help you shape your career path and inform the requests you make of your current management.

I hope you do a little self-reflection and learn more about who you are and what you really want out of life. The more thought you put into it now, the more likely you will be able to create an extraordinary life with few regrets.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a regional VP for a global services company. I get excellent performance reviews, have been promoted regularly, and have had some employees tell me I’m the best boss they’ve ever had. I am ambitious and on track to be a senior leader in the company.

Five directors report to me. Our organization has been growing fast and they all need to get up to speed more quickly than they have been doing, so we are all working long days and the work is intense.

My problem is one of my guys I will call M. His mother’s health started failing about nine months ago and he asked for a transfer so her could be closer to her. He is an only child and is all his mother has. I pulled a lot of strings, moved a lot of puzzle pieces, and made it happen for him.

This would all be fine and well—but now, six months later, M is in way over his head. He can’t possibly do what is necessary to both do his job and take care of his mother. He is making mistakes because he is so stressed. I’ve been covering for him and asking his peers to pick up the slack, but I’m getting exhausted. I just can’t keep up with the work. The rest of the team feels the same way.

I worry that M won’t be able to get by financially if I ask him to take a leave of absence (our company doesn’t have paid long-term family leave). I don’t know what to do. I’m going to feel like a terrible person if I force him to take leave, but I can’t go on this way. Help.

Man Down

Dear Man Down,

I’m late with my column this week because I’ve thought about this, dreamed about it, and talked to five people about it. This is heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry you are under so much pressure.

I can’t help but wonder where your boss and your HR business partner are in all of this. It appears that you are expected to deal with this all by yourself, which doesn’t seem fair. So, first things first: you need to get some other folks involved here, because something’s gotta give. I would very surprised if your HR person doesn’t have some options they can share with you. This kind of situation is a constant in HR. Ask for help, right this minute. This is an emergency.

Next, let’s take a look at how you got here. Sounds like you are over-functioning for everyone around you. I suspect you’ve done this before and, in fact, have a long track record of doing it. Over-functioning works very well—especially for the people you are doing it for—until it starts to hurt you. What would happen if you just stopped? Well, I can tell you: you’d get a very clear picture of reality.

At least you are clear on the fact that this situation is unsustainable. (May I repeat your own words back to you? “I can’t go on this way.” You’re right; you can’t.) Get help. Get a temp. Hire some backup. Call in the cavalry. Yes, it will cost a little extra—too bad. You’ll never be a senior leader if you don’t take the opportunity to learn this lesson now. And you can never let things devolve like this again.

Let’s talk about M now. Was he an amazing performer before this situation? If so, then you need to do everything possible to keep him through this terrible time. Jim Collins, a researcher on what makes great companies and great leaders, talks about getting the right people on the bus. You can’t get where you want to go by doing everything yourself; you can only do it with the right people in the right roles. If M was a perfect fit and a star performer before this situation, get him some help. Be creative—lobby for extra budget with your boss. If he wasn’t that great a fit, maybe you can find him another role he might be better suited for in the organization that he can do part time.

Is that the meanest thing you have ever heard? It might be. It feels like kicking someone when they are down. But seriously, he must be feeling the pressure of not being able to properly do his job and of watching you and the rest of the team suffer. You aren’t doing him any favors letting things go on this way. The stress is not going to go away. You are ducking the hard decisions and the even harder conversation, Man Down, and it is time for you to step up.

When you try to solve everyone’s problems for them, you create new ones. Stop being a hero and face reality head on before the rest of team starts hating you and you start having panic attacks. You are the leader here, and you are responsible for finding a way to make the situation manageable and sustainable for as many people as possible—including yourself.

Being a leader is really hard. That is so harsh, I am so sorry. But it is the truth.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

About three months ago, I was promoted to COO in my organization. I wasn’t expecting it—a lot of changes happened at once. A large group of people were fired and the next thing I knew I was COO.

I have no real senior leadership experience, but here is the crazy thing: I’m pretty sure I can do this. I’m super organized and I have an exhaustive knowledge of the mechanics of the organization. My problem is that when I try to prioritize on what to tackle first, I get completely overwhelmed. I’m not sure where to start.

I thought about asking my new team, but they seem as mystified as I am about what I’m doing in this role. I really don’t want to reveal my ignorance to them but at the same time I don’t want my boss to lose faith in me. Any ideas would be helpful.

Unexpected Success

Dear Unexpected Success,

It’s obvious your boss also thinks you can do this—so you should absolutely play hard, and play to win. You have some leadership experience and you will figure out the senior part. You have nothing to lose.

Thomas Leonard, my mentor and a pioneer of the coaching profession, says, “Anything worth doing is worth getting help with.” The first order of business is to get help. The fastest way to bomb out would be for you to try to do too much, too fast, all by yourself. Do you have anyone from your past work life you might call to mentor you? Are there any COOs in your industry you could reach out to for advice? I suggest you hire a very experienced executive coach—someone with whom you can discuss everything you need to work through in total confidentiality. Your organization will probably pay for it. Also, lobby for an assistant to help manage your time and keep you focused. The more support you can get for yourself right now, the better off you will be.

Sit down with your boss and ask them to outline your top three to five priorities. Decide what you can do in what time frame and check it in writing with your boss so there is no misunderstanding. Focus only on your boss’s priorities and on building support for your leadership.

To succeed as a leader you need your team to trust you. Begin by spending what will feel like precious time getting to know each member of your team so that you can understand their strengths, experience, and expertise. The more you can empower them with crystal-clear goals to lead their own teams, the more you will be able to get done. Build trust and connectivity with your team by creating and sharing your Leadership Point of View.

You also need to understand your peers and your unofficial influencers in the organization. Create a relationship map to identify all of the critical players in your organization, and make a concerted effort to get to know them and understand their goals. Build a coalition of support by helping others achieve their goals and leveraging their help to achieve yours.

Once you have some clarity about your priorities, are moving toward your goals, and have started to build your network of support, then you can worry about building your own strategic point of view and influencing as a strategic leader. That day will come after your very high functioning operational machine is built.

You have a rare opportunity to take advantage of an odd situation. If you can keep your wits about you, get the right help, and stay grounded, you will be fine. Better than fine—great!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I always get a little overwhelmed during the holiday season, but this year I am at the brink. I have a big team at work and I usually try to create some kind of fun event for us—but this year it just isn’t happening. There is a massive problem with our technology and my team and I are having a hard time doing our jobs. My printer stopped working and so did the key card I use to go from building to building. Two of my people are out sick and another needs to be talked off the ledge every hour on the hour. 

In my personal life, my car’s check engine light is on and my mechanic won’t return my calls. My dryer at home is broken, and I have two kids coming home from college with suitcases full of laundry. Our Christmas tree is up, but it isn’t decorated, and I usually have the house all ready for the kids. I haven’t even ordered Christmas cards, let alone sent any! The dog is limping for some unknown reason and the cat keeps throwing up on my bed.

I just got off the phone with a colleague who told me that one of my direct reports dropped a big ball and really screwed up. I am this close to picking up the phone and letting my direct report have it, but I know it wasn’t really his fault. So I am writing you instead.

I feel like everyone and everything is letting me down and I am pushing a huge rock uphill by myself. I can’t even think anymore. Help?

Melting Down

______________________________________________________________

Dear Melting Down,

Oh my dear, this sounds hard. And so familiar. When you start feeling sorry for yourself, it is time to stop. Just stop. Take a deep breath. Say out loud: “This is not neurosurgery, no one is dying.” Repeat three times.

Then, take action.

Make a list of everything you are tolerating. You can read about tolerations in one of my old posts here. Essentially, a toleration* is every little thing you are putting up with. When the list gets too long, one tiny straw can break the camel’s back. This is where you are right now.

Once you have your lists—one for work and one for home—look at each item one by one. Decide whether you are going to deal with it, dump (ignore) it, or delegate it. Some things are simply outside of your control and you will just have to suck them up. Others you can either do something about yourself or get others to handle.

Before you get to it, though, you need to consider your standards—your expectations of yourself and others based on both what you think is important and marks you have hit in the past. Remember: standards are not laws. Gravity is a law. I must have the tree decorated by the time the kids come home is not. Do you see the difference? You have made up that some of the standards you hold yourself to are a priority—when, in fact, your reality is making them impossible. For right now, as you go over your list of tolerations, ask yourself where can I lower my standards, just for this year? I remember one year when I was similarly overextended, I just didn’t do Christmas cards. My sister-in-law was horrified—but you know what? Nobody died.

So lower your standards and your expectations of how things should be. Deal with the real problems—like your car—the ones that won’t resolve themselves and will probably turn into bigger, more expensive problems. Find a new mechanic. If the dog is still limping, make a vet appointment. Assuming the cat is feeling better, close the door to your bedroom just in case.

Let the kids decorate the tree when they get home and take their clothes to the laundromat. Send them a warm text to explain your situation and to warn them so they aren’t surprised. They may moan, but they will also probably rise to the occasion—especially if you manage their expectations. Send a nice email to your work team thanking them for their hard work and promising a fun event in February—which, honestly, is when people really need one. The technology problems will resolve themselves eventually, and you aren’t going to get fired.

Tom Magliozzi, one of the co-hosts of NPR’s Car Talk show, says: “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” Deal with the incontrovertible reality, and remember the rest is all made up. Be the model of grace, humor, generosity, and patience you know yourself to be, especially with your team. Keep breathing. Your kids and you will be fine.

I wish you great peace, healthy pets, a functioning car, and upgraded technology in the New Year.

Love, Madeleine

* Thomas Leonard, a pioneer of the coaching profession and the founder of Coach University, the ICF, and Coachville, coined the term tolerations in the late 1980s.

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve had my eye on a position that might be opening in my company. It would be a big step for me, but I think this is the job I have always wanted.

My problem is that the minute I start even thinking about applying, I feel overcome with anxiety and literally break into a cold sweat. Then I hear a voice in my head saying, “Who the heck do you think you are?”

How do I get up the nerve to pursue this? I am not even sure I want the job, but how will I ever know if I get so anxious I can’t even think about it? Help!

Riddled with Doubt

Dear Riddled,

It is rare to have so many topics covered in such a short question, so I will take them in turn, in order of priority.

1. You need to get some help with your anxiety before you do anything else. We all deal with some anxiety, but yours is interfering with your life. This is the definition of an emotional or psychological condition that needs to be addressed. Anxiety is tricky. It creeps up on you slowly and backs you into a corner before you even realize what is happening. So I am telling you, point blank, you are in a corner and you need to get some help. There are some excellent tools available to help you tame your anxiety. If those don’t work…well, a professional can help you.
2. You have had your eye on this job, so clearly you can see yourself in it. Do you think you have the skills and competencies required to apply and be taken seriously? More important, do you trust yourself to be able to learn quickly and grow into the job in a reasonable amount of time?

In another part of your email you stated you are a female. As a woman, your social conditioning does leave you at a disadvantage when it comes to putting yourself out there. The statistics are varied, but the one I see most consistently says that men tend to apply for opportunities when they have just 60 percent of the qualifications, while women generally don’t apply unless they are 100 percent qualified. The various reasons for this are outlined in this article that might interest you.

Ultimately, the rules that make someone successful in school don’t really apply to working in large systems. The way to get ahead and continually find challenges for yourself will require you to take risks. You will fail, but you will also succeed. As many have said, if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “no.”

3. I was struck by your use of the language “Who do you think you are?” This is language we hear from people in childhood designed to keep us in our place. It is cruel and demeaning. And here you are, using it on yourself! Cut it out. Honestly. It isn’t as if you are proposing to perform brain surgery with no training. You are simply thinking about maybe trying for a new and different job that may be interesting.

I would ask you to answer that question realistically. Who do you think you are? What are your skills and strengths? What experience do you have? What do you bring to the table that maybe no other applicant has? To get a new perspective on this, you might try taking that Values in Action Strengths Assessment—it’s free and fun. It will help you answer that question more positively than you otherwise might.

This is kind of old news, but I love it so much and it has not lost its power—and you may never have seen it. It is from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love and it was quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inauguration speech:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone—and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Finally, Riddled, get your friends and family on board here. Ask anyone for support that you know loves you and wants the best for you. Get a handle on the anxiety, stop playing small, get support, and go for it. Start with some deep breathing. Breathing never hurts, and always helps.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

“Most ideals about why people are successful are driven by stereotypes and gut feel rather than facts and data,” explains Botelho. “In this book, we’ve aspired to provide information about how anyone can be successful by helping readers learn from other successful people in business.”

Learnings shared in the book are based on groundbreaking research and in-depth analysis of more than 2,600 leaders drawn from a database of more than 17,000 CEO and C-suite executives. Botelho describes the four behaviors of highly successful people as identified by the research.

1. They are decisive and understand the importance of speed over precision when making decisions. According to Botelho, most people assume that CEOs have an uncanny ability to make the right decisions more often than other people. But her research indicates that what really makes a CEO stand out isn’t necessarily the accuracy of their decision, but the speed and will to make the decision in the first place.
2. They are reliable and deliver what they promise, when they promise it—without exception. This behavior sounds simple, but isn’t easy to practice consistently. Botelho describes the importance of being on time and doing what you say you’re going to do—and she offers another tip: “Highly reliable leaders are thoughtful about setting expectations right up front.” Botelho shares that this behavior not only improves the likelihood you will succeed in your role, but also increases your chances of being hired In the first place.
3. They adapt boldly, especially when faced with the discomfort of the unknown. “Of the four behaviors, this is the one where people are most likely to underestimate their ability—and that is costly.” Botelho explains people naturally assume change will be painful, so they resist it. But her research shows that the most successful leaders are good at letting go of past behaviors, habits, and commitments that will not serve them in the future.
4. They engage with stakeholders without shying away from conflict. These leaders focus on leading to deliver results that benefit the company as opposed to leading to be liked. They keep all stakeholders—customers, employees, and shareholders—in mind and manage those relationships.

Finally, Botelho shares some counterintuitive insights about making great strides in your career—what she calls career catapults. “Sometimes it is better to go small in order to go big,” Botelho says. Having an elite MBA or working for a marquee company is a great way to advance your career, but sometimes taking what looks like a side step instead of always focusing on moving up the ladder can have a more positive impact. By being in charge of a smaller project, division, or group, you might actually have a chance to practice more skills and get more exposure.

According to the author, here is the most important message to take away from The CEO Next Door and this podcast: Excellence is more achievable for us than we assume.

Be sure to stay tuned for comments from Ken Blanchard at the end of the podcast!

Check out this episode!

In his book The Inner Game of Tennis, author W. Timothy Gallwey states “Quieting the mind means less thinking, calculating, judging, worrying, fearing, hoping, trying, regretting, controlling, jittering, or distracting.” This familiar spinning, spinning, spinning of thoughts is the opposite of mindfulness. In fact, to quote Phil Jackson, former coach of the Chicago Bulls, you might call it jabbering.

As I’ve started to pay more attention to my thinking, I’ve found that I definitely engage in mental jabbering. Most of my jabber involves things that either happened in the past or may happen in the future. I must admit that when my mind jabbers I’m not paying attention to my experience from moment to moment.

As a coach, I’ve begun to notice that my clients also engage in lots of jabber. When I sense this is happening, I ask them questions to bring them into the present moment—which in reality is the only one they have.

So what’s the big deal about us calculating, planning, or reminiscing much of the time? When we jabber, we are missing many of the moments we have to live. We are on automatic pilot and not fully aware of what we are doing or experiencing. We eat without really tasting, look without really seeing, listen without really hearing, and touch without really feeling. In other words, we miss out on the texture of our life experience.

To stop jabbering means to quiet the mind and strive to be in the here and now. It means to gently bring yourself—or possibly a coaching client—back to the present moment. Of course, that’s easier said than done. So here’s some incentive.

When we quiet our mind, we are better able to:

• Fully experience the actual moment in front of us

• Maintain focus

• Manage our reactions/responses

• Reduce stress and anxiety

The list of the benefits of mindfulness could go on and on.

I’d like to encourage you to spend some time noticing where your thoughts are. Their location may just surprise you!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a wonderful team. They are all very different, with different strengths and skill sets, which I think makes us well rounded. They lean on each other when they need to problem solve. My problem is that my boss seems to have it in for one my people—let’s call her “B”.

We just finished performance review time and I rated B as “meets or exceeds expectations” on all of her goals, which is accurate. She needs to improve in a few areas, but so does everyone else on the team, including me!

My boss thinks I am too soft on B and that I should put her on a performance plan and try to manage her out of the organization. I am mystified by this because B does a respectable job, is dependable, and everyone on the team seems to like working with her.

How should I handle this situation?

Stumped

Dear Stumped,

This is not good and confusing indeed. I think you need to go back to your boss with all of B’s goals and competencies and walk through them together to get more detail on exactly what B needs to improve. Tell your boss you can’t do a PIP if there is nothing you see that needs that much improvement. Ask if they have heard feedback they haven’t shared with you. Hopefully this will shed some light.

If your boss just can’t explain things to your satisfaction, it may be that they have personal ulterior motives. If this is the case, you have a real problem—probably one you can’t solve. What ulterior motive could your boss possibly have, you ask? I have a bit of a jaded view on this, having been coaching in organizations for twenty years. I keep thinking nothing can surprise me anymore, only to find myself being surprised, once again, by how badly people can behave. I will resist the temptation to speculate, but ask yourself Why on earth would my boss want B gone?

You might ask B what her experience with your boss has been without revealing that your boss is not a fan. That might tell you something.

It’s possible your boss is responding to organizational pressures. I recently worked with a client who was in the same position as B and it was because she was an early employee who had a very large base salary. It was very clearly a policy from top brass to thin the ranks of folks with high salaries. But here I go, speculating.

As you explore possible motives, you will have to decide whether to take your boss’s side or stand up for B. So now is a good moment to examine your values—and possibly brush up your LinkedIn profile and resume. Now I am sounding alarmist and I’m sorry, but I want you to be prepared.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

Soon I will be joining a large HR consulting firm as a consultant. My new job is focused on organization design and transformation.

I have three years of work experience as an HR business partner but consulting is an altogether different world for me.

I am excited but scared about how I should I put my previous experience to use in my new job and what I should prepare for as I join the consulting world. Any words of advice?

I hope you can help,

Scared New Consultant

Dear Scared New Consultant,

Congratulations on your new job! I understand that you are nervous and scared—that is to be expected when starting something totally new. The good news is that consulting firms are notoriously picky, so the fact that you actually got hired means you probably have the stuff to succeed.

I have some general rules of thumb for you, and then some HR-specific ones—some of which I have learned the hard way.

First, general:

• Pay attention to who’s who in your new organization and notice which people others listen to. The power structure is often informal and you need to know who is respected.
• Get your boss to express as clearly as possible what a good job looks like. Make sure you know what your boss’s priorities are, and to the extent possible find something you can do that will give you an early win.
• Notice what you like to do and are good at, and make sure you don’t over-focus on these at the expense of the stuff you don’t like as much. Get help with things you aren’t naturally good at.
• If your boss doesn’t pay much attention to you, you need to provide them with a weekly checklist of everything you are focused on. Ask to be sure there is nothing missing and that you are focused on the right things. Once you get comfortable, you can check in less frequently.
• If you are coming into the organization with a cohort or class, as is common in consulting, make friends with everyone (or at least don’t make enemies) and spend more time with the people who have a good attitude, don’t complain, and work the hardest.
• Turn in impeccable work. Proof obsessively. If possible, get someone to proof for you. I have known consultants who started together who were each other’s proofing buddies because it is so much easier to catch other people’s errors than our own. For Power Point presentations, always (always, always) review the slides in presentation mode, because the errors leap off the screen that way.
• I am a big fan of the book The First 90 Days – Critical Success Strategies for New Leaders at All Levels.

Now, HR consulting specific:

• Try to get examples of slide decks and cases where things seem to have gone particularly well. This will help you understand what is valued by the clients as well as the organization.
• Clients often have no idea what they want or need, but will act as if they do. Don’t be fooled – listen deeply to what they say the problem is and ask good, open-ended questions until they get to the truth. Never ask why questions—they make people defensive. Instead, ask, “How did you get to that conclusion?” The best way to get people talking is to say “Tell me more.”
• Many clients will say they want culture change without understanding how much work it is. Changing the culture in an organization is similar to helping an individual manage a personality disorder. That sounds terrible, but I am serious. Most clients think they are ready for some big change but they really aren’t. Be aware that most clients will get excited and bite off more than they can chew—and then blame you when the whole project dies of its own weight.
• Again, a book. Don’t be thrown by how old it is as its value has stood the test of time: The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook. Peter Senge’s book The Fifth Discipline is so erudite it is almost unreadable, but the Fieldbook is chock full of practical tools and models and will be a valuable resource for you.

Good luck to you. Remember that you will have some really rough days when you will think the job is much harder than you expected. You will wonder what you were thinking when you took it. You will despair about ever getting the hang of it. You will think you made a terrible mistake and that you will never succeed.

Remember that this is normal and it will pass. Patience and persistence will be your best friends—and one day you will wake up and realize you know what you are doing.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

New Hire Is Dressing Inappropriately? A manager writes, “Her taste in work clothing is wildly inappropriate. She dressed perfectly for the interview phase, but now the heels are sky high, the skirts are too short and tight, and the necklines are way too low. People’s eyes literally go wide when she walks by.”

Burned Out But Don’t Know Why? A reader writes, “I really like the challenge of being a manager—but something has begun to worry me. I start at 7 a.m. and by 2 p.m. I am exhausted, even though I work from home most days. I’m on the phone in endless meetings dealing with strategy, budget, and gnarly personnel issues—and by the middle of the afternoon I’ve got nothing left.”

Direct Report Won’t Stop Talking During One on Ones?  A manager writes, “I have one direct report who is very good at her job—but during her one on one meetings with me, she literally never stops talking. I can’t get a word in edgewise. It is a one-hour wall of words. In fact, she often can’t stop so the meeting goes late. Worst of all, she doesn’t seem to leave these meetings the better for having had them.”

Mindless Work Killing Your Soul? A reader writes, “I hate my job. I am just bored to tears. When I completed graduate school, I was recruited into what I thought was the perfect job for me—the job description was exactly what I was looking for. A year later, I am doing a ton of mindless administrative work and almost none of what was in the original job description.”

People Think You’re Having an Affair at Work? A manager writes, “About a year ago we got a new boss.  He is a few years older than me and very smart and creative. We had an immediate connection because we went to the same school for undergraduate and are both huge fans of our school’s sports teams.  We became instant BFFs. The problem is that everybody thinks we are having an affair.”

ABOUT MADELEINE

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a Master Certified Coach and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. She is coauthor of Blanchard’s Coaching Essentials training program, and several books including Leverage Your Best, Ditch the Rest, Coaching in Organizations, and Coaching for Leadership.

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I run a large team of developers. I am really concerned about one young man who has been with me for about a year. 

My crew seems to party pretty hard on the weekends, which I figure is none of my business.  The guy I am worried about negotiated at his first big review to work from home, which a lot of people do on occasion. I agreed because his work is consistently good and he is faster than almost everyone else.

One day last week, he wasn’t responding to my texts. I finally called him and when he picked up the phone he sounded like he was high.  On top of this, he often texts me in the wee hours of the morning with thoughts and ideas that are not necessarily coherent. 

I think the kid may have a substance abuse problem.  I guess I am supposed to go to HR, but I prefer to warn him and not involve the official people.

What do you think?

Worried

Dear Worried,

Well, you might start by reviewing your manager’s manual to ascertain when exactly you need go to HR.  There may be a link on your intranet that you have never visited.  At the very least, start documenting the odd behaviors—dates, times, specifics.

And then, absolutely, talk to him. That is your job.  Be direct.  Be sure you don’t accuse—just share your observations.  You don’t know if he has a problem. What you do know is that he is not all there during work hours.  You can tell him you don’t feel he is on his game when he works from home, and insist that he be accessible by IM or text during work hours.  Tell him that his after-hours texts seem odd to you, and request that he submit any thoughts or ideas in a coherent format during working hours. The 24/7 thing should be reserved for deadlines and emergencies.  Just be direct. Tell your truth without blame or judgment.  If he is smart, he will understand that it is a warning and he will clean up his act.  If he isn’t, or if it becomes obvious he is an addict, you will have to involve HR.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

The same can be said for a person with integrity. I like to define integrity as a unifying way of being. It integrates all of the aspects of a person.

But many work cultures promote a compartmentalized view of life—for example, an expectation that you use only your brain (your head) at work and save emotions (your heart) for what is going on at home. Such an expectation is unrealistic, unhealthy, and exhausting. When you compartmentalize, you lose the integration and integrity needed to make wise choices.

Instead of compartmentalizing, I ask my clients to consider integrating their brain and their emotions more fully and to use both in a complementary fashion as they make decisions.  By removing the blinders of compartmentalizing, they can become more aware of what is going on inside themselves. This increased self-awareness creates new choices and opportunities.

Have you been trying to compartmentalize your heart from your head? How would your life be different if you checked in with all of yourself instead?

Select a few of the following activities to expand the use of all aspects of yourself—not just your head or just your heart—to see where else you can open yourself and better access your integrity.

• Write in a journal, seeking to address thoughts, feelings, and sensations
• Practice meditation
• Discuss what you’re learning with a caring colleague, friend, or family member
• Adopt a new physical activity and let your mind wander in this kinesthetic experience

Create the opportunity for greater integrity in your life. Rather than using your mind to have the last say in all your decisions, allow yourself to check in with your heart, your body, and your soul.

By reinforcing your awareness that your heart, mind, body, and soul are integrated, you will expand your ability to benefit from all aspects of yourself—and you will fully benefit from being in integrity instead of just having it.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am currently in an unfulfilling job. I also have digestive health issues that are not being resolved through diet and supplements.

I am a creative person and I long to travel. I currently want to leave my job and travel around the world to heal and to write about my experiences—a blog first, a book later.

But I have fears about financially surviving; about what will happen when I return from my travels; about my safety on the road; about not being able to get rid of my health issues; and even about how to write a book. How do I get past the fear and take the leap?

Afraid to Take the Leap

Dear Afraid to Take the Leap,

Oh, I hear your cry for freedom and it resonates deeply. But I’m torn between focusing on your fears and simply yelling “Go now before it’s too late!”

Obviously, I can’t tell what to do. Here is what I can tell you. You have a vision that leaving your job and traveling will be part of your healing process. You may think this kind of inspiration or calling is something that happens to people all the time. I can assure you this is not the case. In my experience there is a lot to be gained from heeding inner wisdom like this.

But there is no getting past fear. And while fear is designed to keep you from making stupid mistakes, the trick is to not let it also keep you from your heart’s desire.

All of your fears are well founded. Use them to help you prepare. Let’s take one at a time.

• Use your financial fears to ensure that you save up, sock away a reserve, and proceed frugally. Your worry about where you will land once you are done with your travels will guide you to set up some options for a soft landing.
• Safety on the road? Well, yes, that is reasonable; the world is frightening. Ask yourself what would make you feel safer. Finding travel companions? Taking a self-defense class?
• Your health problems may not be resolved; that’s true. The fact is that they may never go away, so you need to be prepared for that. But at least you know for sure that what you’ve already tried hasn’t worked. What can it hurt to try other things?
• Finally, you should be terrified by the idea of writing a book. I can tell you from personal experience that the only way to figure out how to write a book is to start writing.

There. Still scared? Sure you are. Because that was only the tip of the iceberg, right? The thing to do with fear is welcome it into your life. Make a list of every single fear you have and do everything you can to reasonably protect yourself from worst case scenarios.

Who knows what kinds of responsibilities you are going to assume in the future—spouse, children, aging parents? I always think part of my job as a coach is to work with people toward their having as few regrets as possible at the end of their lives. So maybe the question to ask yourself is Which choice would I regret most in five years: maintaining status quo or going for the big vision? There is a good chance that if you don’t seize the moment now for your grand adventure, you will regret it.

I am very much influenced by a lovely TED Talk that a friend shared with me recently. It is by Amy Krouse, a wonderful artist and writer who died of cancer last month at 51. Her talk is called “7 Notes on Life.” I wrote them down and taped them to my wall. The seven points, represented as notes on a musical scale, are:

• Always trust the magic
• Beckon the lovely (Amy said “I tend to believe whatever you decide to look for, you will find. Whatever you beckon will eventually beckon you.”)
• We are all Connected
• Do (take action)
• Cultivate Empty space
• Figure it out as you go
• Go to what makes you come alive

She did the talk in 2010, long before she knew that she would die of ovarian cancer in 7 years. I can only imagine that she lived by this code and sure was glad she did when it was all cut short.

You sound like a smart, rational person who would first prepare properly and then, in fact, be able to figure things out as you go. I always encourage my clients—and my children, for that matter—to keep moving toward the heat. But I like the way Amy says it: “Go to what makes you come alive.” How can that be a bad idea?

I am clearly biased on this one. It is my nature. That being said, if you decide not to leap, at the very least go find yourself a job that is fulfilling. Please let me know what you decide.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I am a thirty-something woman who has just accepted a new position at a software company.  This job is quite a leap from my last one and the company has made it clear that they have big plans for me.  I love my work, it is interesting and fun, and I am really good at it.  

My husband also has a great job and is pursuing a PhD.  He and I both work ten- to twelve-hour days. We spend our extra time doing things we love—running, sailing, and getting together with friends.  We both have had weight and health issues in the past and have a high commitment to taking care of ourselves through exercise, eating right, and getting enough sleep. 

Many of our friends have started or are about to start their families.  The ones who have new babies have either dropped off the planet, or when we see them they seem stressed and exhausted.  Every working mom I talk to says she feels she is always falling short either at work or at home. Neither my husband nor I grew up under ideal circumstances and we figured we could do better.  We have always vaguely planned to have kids, but now we aren’t sure it is a good idea.  What do you think?

Kids or No?

Dear Kids or No,

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that you would send me this question, although I have to say I am staggering a little under the weight of it. Obviously, this will be one of the biggest decisions you and your husband ever make.  The amazing thing is—and it is a fairly new development in human history—you have a choice. It used to be that children were something that happened and you just dealt with them.   But with choice comes responsibility, and nobody can tell you what to do. What I can do is lay out some things you want might want to consider as you weigh your options.

• Parenting is more complicated now than it has ever been, and you will want to know that you and your husband will always be a team. Everywhere you turn, you will be bombarded with advice—or worse, judgment—about the way you parent.  So every choice you make will be fraught with second guessing and doubt.  You and your husband will want to decide what your standards are for what good parenting looks like.  It will be important that you are on the same page for the big decisions like how much time you need to spend with your child, what spiritual tradition will you depend on, what would you do if your child had special needs. For example, if you are okay with leaving your child in daycare or with a nanny but your husband is not, that is a potential deal breaker right there.
• The person who will generally take the brunt of the parenting will be you, especially at the beginning. I spent two years at a big Wall Street firm and every female VP who had kids had a husband who had a lower impact career that allowed him to stay home full time, work from home part time, or at least get home by the end of the school day.  But then there are amazing role models like Sheryl Sandberg who made it all work with a husband who worked full time and is now—horrors—gone.
• Speaking of role models, are there good role models in your organization or perhaps in your professional association; i.e., senior women who have kids? You might talk to them about how they have done it and what they recommend.
• The whole parenting thing is made to look really magical and wondrous—the Christmas cards with the smiling mom and dad, two kids, and the golden retriever. And there are magical moments, but it is hard.  There is no guarantee that you will get one or two perfect children who are as gifted and delightful as you.  Serious wild cards get dealt that can really throw you for a loop.  My point is that your children automatically become an intensive spiritual development program, no matter how perfect and easy they are. You really have to be signed up for that.
• John Gottman, the foremost researcher and expert on marriage, tells of a deep dip in marital satisfaction when the kids come that lasts until the kids are out of the house. Some of the happiest people I know are people who have chosen not to have children.  Of course, the dark flip side is that the people who have the most regret are the ones who wanted to have kids and couldn’t.  So the thing I would say is if you aren’t sure, wait.  Freeze your eggs. You can always hire a surrogate if you wait too long.  You can adopt.  None of those roads are as easy as just going for it when you are young and healthy, but at least you will be sure.
• I grew up in the 70s during which the anthem was “you can have it all.” Well, that turned out not to be quite true.  My experience is that you can kind of have it all   If you have a good education and some career stability and support going in. If you have an amazing husband who really does share the parenting including the endless domestic chores. If you have unusual stamina, if you have a strong immune system and can function through stomach flu and rotten colds, if you can go for long periods of time without proper rest and exercise, if you have reliable and high quality help and support—either trusted family members or a high enough income to pay for it. For many women I would restate the anthem as “you can have it all, but maybe not all at the same time.” This is not generally what people want to hear, but in my experience it is the truth.
• If you have a child and continue to pursue your highest career potential you will, I guarantee, lament that you are never 100% at home or at work. I have felt that way for the last 27 years.  But I am not sure that is so bad.  A little dynamic tension away from home isn’t so terrible.  I always felt that my kids appreciated me more because they didn’t have me at their beck and call.  And I always did enough at work to make good things happen but I never became completely obsessed—which I may very well have, if I hadn’t had to walk out of the office every day at 6:00.  The most efficient workers by far are the working moms, because they are always on a deadline.

My mother always said that having kids was the best thing she ever did in her life, and I automatically thought that it also would be true for me—and it has been.  But you are going to want to talk to more people.  Just know this: you and your husband are doing the right thing right now by really questioning it and thinking it through. That way, when you do come to a decision, you will know it is the right one.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am worried about my boss. He has always been super bright, ahead of everyone else, with a mind like a steel trap. He has been an amazing boss and a real mentor for me; I have a lot of respect and affection for him.

Lately he has been forgetting critical things, like big decisions we’ve made and meetings that have been scheduled forever. Just yesterday he showed up at a client meeting with potential customers whom he’d met several times and it was clear that he did not remember them. I am constantly covering for him. I try to make sure he is prepared for things, but then he forgets our conversation. I am running myself ragged trying to do my job and his. Others on the team are noticing it, and people are starting to talk. He really seems too young for this to be happening and I don’t know what to do. I would never want to hurt him, and it would break my heart if he thought I was talking about him to HR or anyone else. What do you think?

At a Loss

Dear At a Loss,

Well, heartbreak is ahead for you in this situation any way you look at it. I couldn’t be more sorry. Truly. You absolutely must, must, must go to your boss’s boss or to HR. If you won’t go right now, at the very least start documenting every incident so that you have a clear record of what is going on.

The best case scenario would be that your boss sees a doctor and finds out he has a correctable condition that is impairing his cognitive function. This is actually possible, and I hope that is what is going on. The worst case scenario would be that he has some kind of early onset dementia that will not improve with medical attention. Either way, you owe it to your boss and to your organization to make sure he gets help. If you have any relationship at all with his significant other or spouse, you might want to have a heart to heart talk with that person as well.

It is critical that someone have your boss’s back and makes sure he is properly taken care of. I have heard horror stories about senior leaders in organizations who learn a colleague is impaired and take advantage of the situation by having that person sign away their rights to pensions, insurance, etc. Perhaps you think this would never happen at your organization—and that would be a good thing—but keep your eyes open.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Often, 20 to 35 percent of value-added collaborations come from only 3 to 5 percent of employees, according to a recent study shared in a Harvard Business Review podcast with Rob Cross, University of Virginia professor and coauthor of the article Collaborative Overload.

“As people become known for being both capable and willing to help, they are drawn into projects and roles of growing importance,” says Cross.

The downside? This kind of collaboration usually comes at a cost—not only to the person who is shouldering the load but also to the organization. Here’s why.

When someone is called on to be involved in everybody’s projects, sooner or later an organizational bottleneck is created when numerous groups are waiting for the person to work on their job. This is not healthy for the organization or for the overworked individual, says Cross. When one person is in extreme demand from several sources, that person will eventually suffer from burnout.

Wondering if you may be an excessive collaborator? Your calendar can offer some hints. Over the past four months, how many times have you:

• been involved in projects outside your core responsibilities?
• received routine informational requests about projects that you don’t need to be part of anymore?
• been asked to make routine decisions when you are not adding value?

All three of these questions point to signs of either a poorly designed role or one that has experienced scope creep. For example, you are unable to let go of old projects that could now be handled by others or you are still part of an archaic approval process put in place years ago that doesn’t really serve the organization any longer.

Cross explains that bottlenecks, burnout, and turnover can affect the performance of an entire organization. Don’t let yourself become a pinch point. Begin in small ways to remove yourself as an assumed collaborator by saying no, shifting priorities, and placing buffers in your work life.

Finally, if you are a manager, make sure you are not inadvertently asking people to become overloaded bottlenecks themselves. For example:

• Do you ask people to be always on?
• Who do you pick for assignments—is it typically the most connected, overworked people?
• Do you ever choose people for tasks who are less busy and could quickly learn the job?

Take a look at your culture and what kind of work ethic it encourages. Don’t put yourself, your people, or your organization at risk of burnout.

To learn more about the risks of collaborative overload, check out the complete article at Harvard Business Review. Are you a podcast listener? You can hear Rob Cross discuss these concepts on the HBR Ideacast.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a VP of sales for a global software organization. I love my job, which is good because I work constantly and have for the past 25 years. It has been rewarding and I have saved enough to be able to think now about maybe slowing down. I have been discussing retirement with my wife and she is excited to have me around more and to travel, visit our kids and grandkids, etc.

My boss recently shared with me that he wants to groom me to take over his job. I was absolutely surprised by this as I never imagined I would be even as successful as I am, let alone considered for the senior leadership team.

This has sent me into a tailspin. I am just a sales guy. I never completed my degree because I did so well at my first sales job, which I had taken only to pay for college. At that point I was married with a kid on the way; you know how that goes. The next thing you know, 25 years has flown by.

All the people on the senior leadership team have MBAs from fancy schools, drive fancy cars, and go to fancy places. That just isn’t me. I don’t see myself being able to relate to these people—and I know my wife would not be comfortable with these folks. I haven’t even told her about this possibility because I know she will be disappointed at the prospect of the shift in our plans. It would mean, I am sure, ten more years of my working like a dog. Also, I don’t see myself as particularly strategic; I don’t know how I would add value to that team.

On the other hand, what an opportunity! I am trying to think this through logically but am barely able to think straight. Help?

In a Tailspin

Dear In a Tailspin,

Wow. As problems go, this is such a wonderful one! And I know how overwhelming this must be, so I don’t want to minimize that. I can offer you a plan for tackling this decision that will hopefully set you up to be at choice. This is a coaching term we use to express the process of looking at the whole picture, understanding what you can control and what is most important to you, and then choosing what actions you will take to achieve what you most want.

1. The first order of business is to establish what you want. Right now it is about what your boss wants (a successor) and what your wife wants (more time with you). Just because you never dreamed something would happen doesn’t mean it isn’t possible—and this magical thing is happening for you now. The question is: do you want it? Right now you can’t even access your own voice because it is getting lost in the noise of your fear. So let’s address that.
2. Face your fear: You say you are “just a sales guy.” Sales is arguably the most valuable competency in any organization—after all, there is no business without customers. People who are good at sales are astonishingly good at relating to other people. And successful sales leaders are excellent at directing and supporting others to do the same. Of course you are strategic—you don’t get to be VP in a global software company if you aren’t strategic! Because you are unclear about your strengths, you might want to ask your boss what it is about you that makes him think you should be promoted. That would help you understand what he values in you and get you past the notion that you are simply a regular guy who is lucky.
3. Stop focusing on the past: Let’s talk about this story you are telling yourself that everyone on the leadership team is too fancy for you. Cut it out. This is just complete hogwash. Maybe a couple of them have some made some fancy lifestyle choices, but that doesn’t make them different from you. I have worked with enough executives to know that almost to a person they are not only grateful for the opportunity they had to be educated but also still pinching themselves at their luck. Most of them know they aren’t better or much smarter than anyone else and many suffer from imposter syndrome. Almost everyone who achieves a position in senior leadership feels as if they don’t quite measure up for some reason and don’t quite belong. So you didn’t finish college. So what? Your boss doesn’t care. Maybe some other people will; but you can’t control that. Trust that you will be able to leverage your people skills to find something you have in common with each and every one of them, and trust that your wife will be able to do the same if she knows it is important to you. People are just people. You know that. So stop putting them on a pedestal.

To cut through the noise here, take yourself out for a long walk and ponder these questions:

• What is interesting or exciting to you about this opportunity?
• Are you signed up for the learning curve it would entail?
• Which of your strengths would you be able to leverage?
• What kind of an impact would you be able to make on the organization?
• What would you be able to accomplish?
• What would you have to give up to avail yourself of the opportunity?
• Are you willing to do that?

Once you have some clarity about your answers and decide you want to go for it, you can have a serious sit-down with your wife. If she is as eager to spend time with you as you say, she probably still actually likes you, is your best friend, and has your back—so I suspect she will be willing to support your quest.

Finally, I want to challenge your assertion that accepting this job would mean you can’t travel and visit your kids and grandchildren. Possibly the real opportunity here is for you to get creative—find a way to achieve undreamed-of success at work and have more space and time for your family. This is the ultimate senior leadership challenge, and you seem to have enough going for you that you are probably up to it.

Breathe deep, my friend—and congratulations!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I think a more accurate characterization of this generational group is what I now call the inbetweeners—those who have been stuck in a bubble of transitioning out of school, trying to build a career, and eventually getting into management. They are caught in between navigating a tough economy, getting work experience, and paying off student debt.

The new mantra for inbetweeners? Death, taxes, and student debt. Or, as Wall Street has nicknamed them, the HENRYs: High Earner, Not Rich Yet. Whatever characterization you want to make, let’s make one thing clear about inbetweeners—they got this! And they need your help!

Here’s my passive aggressive approach to help inbetweeners muddle through this in-between life stage.

The first theory: It’s not your fault.

The economic collapse and great recession had nothing to do with your life choices. You inherited a business landscape mired with corruption from the banks—and your once needed college degree doesn’t hold the weight it once did. Your curiosity to learn led you past the typical business major or pre-law approach. You dabbled in various programs, maybe even changed majors once or twice, and ended up six months from graduation knowing that the internships you were applying for wanted two to three years of direct experience. How did that happen?

At graduation, your parents asked what your plans were and you said, “I don’t know—California sounds nice.” To them, that meant you didn’t have a plan—or you didn’t know what the heck you were doing. The first probably wasn’t true but the second definitely was. No companies called you back, you didn’t have a lifeline, and even your well-to-do uncle had nothing for you at the shop. You tried. The breaking point was when your grandpa suggested you go door-to-door like he did, telling all the companies you are a hard worker and you never give up. To him it showed moxie, grit, and some maturity—like his eagle forearm tattoo.

The second theory: It is your fault.

Most of the working world buys into this second theory, thinking the Inbetweeners have no one to blame but themselves. And they’re right. It is your fault. Did you have to be a general studies major? I know the classes were easier and you got to choose things you were really interested in, but what are your transferable business skills? I know the out of state college that accepted you was everything you wanted, but is being $50K in debt for an undergraduate degree really worth it? Maybe some of your life choices didn’t equate to successful business skills and outcomes. For those who have been irked by these realities, here are some hilarious comebacks by the inbetweeners who recently hijacked a Twitter hashtag.

Although some of you have been settled in your role for a few years and are now looking toward the new challenge of management, chances are you haven’t been properly trained to manage. Maybe you have a degree from an Ivy League School—maybe even an advanced degree. Maybe your mom told you that you are the best and she still loves you. With all this going for you, how does your employer not notice you? You’ve even said “Put me in coach, I’ve been playing left bench for too long.” You just want a shot.

Perhaps you should take a second and think about that jump. A recent survey says that 51 percent of inbetweeners are in formal leadership positions but most of those aren’t prepared to take over a management job.  For those who can’t wait, there is some good news.

The latest data released on CNN shows that median income in the US just increased for the first time since 2007—the year before the great recession started. The stronger job market is starting to translate into higher wages and more opportunities for growth and management within organizations. Now it is more imperative than ever to establish those management capabilities. That starts by developing sound decision making skills, earning trust by completing tasks, and collaborating across departments to get work accomplished.

Developing true managerial and business skills before you jump into management will more likely ensure a long and successful career. You’ll get your chance. Just make sure you are ready when your name is called.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior director for a large multinational organization.

I am good at what I do, my employees love working for me, and I’ve always received good feedback from my boss. At my last review, though, I didn’t get the promotion to VP that I expected. My boss told me she didn’t think I was strategic enough with my hires and that I was too easy on my people.

I developed a plan to address the feedback, got my boss to sign off on it, and I was feeling pretty good about it.

Since the meeting with my boss, I have:

1. let go of two people who were never going to be quite right for the jobs they were in—and had already been on performance plans for too long;
2. given people some hard feedback and created development plans for them; and
3. asked some other folks who were slacking to take on a few more responsibilities.

Well, wouldn’t you know—they all went running to my boss to complain about what a “meanie” I am. Now my boss is coming down on me for doing exactly what she told me to do!

Can’t Have It Both Ways

Dear Can’t Have It Both Ways,

You are right. You can’t. It is really hard to get the right people in the right seats and have them all fully engaged and living up to their full potential. But don’t quit now. You know what I am going to say: sit down with your boss and ask her exactly how she would have had you proceed differently. But given the way she reacted, it is pretty clear that you ultimately are on your own.

So the ones you really need to talk to are your people—who, by the way, are in shock because their big, soft, teddy bear of a boss has all at once turned into a performance hound. Have an all-hands-on-deck meeting. Share with everyone the context for what is going on. Tell them the organization perceives you as too soft and you realize you have allowed less than stellar performances. Ask them what they think you should do—what they think you should all do. Tell them your goal is to have each person be exactly the right one in the right job, loving their work and challenged just enough but not too much. Tell them you erred in the past by being too nice and you want to learn how to balance being a kind person who values performance—one who is tough but fair. Involve them in the problem they all colluded with you in creating. The self motivated top performers will be excited and will participate. And the ones who prefer to blame and criticize will—well, they’ll blame and criticize. Who do you want on your team?

Challenge your team to have the hard conversations. Listen when they come and talk to you. Empathize with their points of view and become articulate in advocating for your own. Make a direct request to your people to work with you on the plan and to support you in executing it.

Stay strong. You will get through this and you will be the more effective leader for it. And who knows, you might just get that promotion.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Most organisations have mission statements—a clearly defined and articulated purpose to focus energy and help leaders make decisions.

But what about a clearly defined and articulated personal purpose? While most of us have some idea about what we want to do with our lives, many of us don’t have a personal mission statement.

This is an important concept. A personal mission statement harnesses energy and enables us to have a greater sense of well-being—especially if we can connect our personal purpose with our department’s purpose as well as our organisation’s purpose.

Let me give you a personal example. In the mid-nineties while I was in the Royal New Zealand Navy, I attended a Situational Self Leadership training session. As part of the workshop, I spent some time developing and refining my life purpose statement. It required reflection and effort, and eventually I came up with a statement that felt right:

“My life purpose is to use my knowledge, skills, and abilities to work with others in order to create an environment in which people feel valued, content, and fulfilled as they contribute to society.”

Creating my purpose statement was just the first step. In order to leverage and maximise my personal and professional alignment, I printed out the statement, put it into a picture frame, and placed it on my desk. This was a very important second step for me. When it came time to make significant career decisions, I would look at my purpose statement and ask myself What course of action will best help me fulfil my life purpose? 

The framed statement was a great reminder—and it helped immensely when I had difficult decisions to make, such as changing roles and up-skilling in support of training and development. It was an area that fulfilled my purpose more than the operational role for which I was initially selected.

How about you? Have you identified a clear sense of where you want to be, or is it more of a general idea? Why not challenge yourself? Develop a purpose statement for your life. Then align your role with that of your organisation, reflect, and make adjustments as necessary.

I’ve long since left the Navy and am currently a director and consulting partner with Blanchard International New Zealand. In part, I can trace my journey here to the decision I made years ago to identify, write down, and reflect daily on my life purpose statement.

Your future is waiting for you. Don’t wait. Take the first step by writing down your personal mission statement. You never know where it will lead!

About the Author

David Cordery is a Company Director and accredited Consulting Partner with Blanchard International in New Zealand.

Dear Madeleine,

I read last week’s column with interest because I am also a fairly new manager in a small organization who isn’t sure whether to speak up about a problem. I have five direct reports. Two of them have come to me to say they have seen an employee who reports to another manager stealing things such as office supplies, toilet paper, and teabags and coffee from the break room.

I was going to stay out of it—until I actually witnessed her emptying half a box of artificial sweetener packets into her purse! I was sitting close by, and she didn’t even seem to care that I saw her do it.

This behavior strikes me as really odd. I would assume people know they are not supposed to help themselves to items meant to be used by people at work.

I have no experience in how to deal with this. Should I tell my manager? Should I tell the person’s manager? I kind of hate to get her in trouble, but I also don’t want to send the message that the behavior is okay.

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

You really need to say something. As a manager, you represent the organization so your silence has power. Now that you personally witnessed this behavior, to not report it would be seen as condoning stealing. Stealing is a strong word for this kind of petty theft, but it is technically the truth.

I guess it might be possible the offender doesn’t realize what she is doing is wrong. It may simply be that her own manager needs to talk to her about it.

The more likely scenario is that she does know it’s wrong and either has some kind of underlying compulsion she needs to deal with or is hostile in some way toward the organization. Perhaps she feels she is underpaid and therefore entitled to these extras.

So you need to tell someone—it could be your own manager, the manager of the offending party, or if you have an HR person you could start there. Even if you feel a little like a rat, it is the right thing to do.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

It’s a phenomenon that is quite common in many organizations—one that business author Barry Oshry describes as the “Dance of the Blind Reflex” in his book Seeing Systems: Unlocking the Mysteries of Organizational Life.

Oshry’s contention is that leaders and direct reports can become locked into a dysfunctional, self-sustaining cycle when each group has behavior patterns that are the result of unconscious behaviors in the other group. For example, leaders complain about the burdens of extensive responsibility but cling to that power for fear that a planned system or change initiative will fail. And frontline workers complain about non-involvement, oppression, and lack of responsibility while they cling to the same things.

Might this dysfunctional dance be occurring in your organization? Here are some of the telltale signs.

At the senior leader level:

Leaders worry about losing control during change—that their team won’t feel as responsible, skilled, or passionate as the leader does. As the leader’s fears and responsibilities increase, they worry about letting their people down and compensate by taking even more responsibility away from direct reports. Signs leaders must watch for in themselves include:

• Checking up, not checking in, on team members
• Frustration in thinking that the team doesn’t care

As a result, these leaders lie awake at night thinking about what they still have to accomplish on a never ending to-do list.

At the frontline level:

The perceived lack of trust, respect, sensitivity, and insight from their leader frustrates team members and they yield responsibility quickly. They feel they have no role in the change and have lost their autonomy and their value. When this occurs, they begin to withdraw, self-preservation kicks in, and they simply keep their heads down and do what leaders say. Typical behaviors include:

• Increased scrutiny on what leaders are doing and not doing
• Anger and resentment at having things done to them—instead of with them

If these underlying beliefs are not surfaced and acknowledged, organizational culture can remain stuck in this cycle. But it doesn’t have to go that way. Here are some strategies to help interrupt this dance.

1. When a one-on-one relationship feels inequitable, each person needs to notice their language and thoughts as they converse and ask themselves: What is my intent and how might my words be misinterpreted?
2. Leaders need to think about how they are dragging the responsibility upward rather than across their team.
3. Direct reports need to think about how to repackage their message so that the leader recognizes their honorable intentions and willingness to accept responsibility.
4. Finally, both sides need to understand that these behaviors are often subtle and hard to self-diagnose and consider enlisting a qualified coach to help identify patterns and develop an action plan.

Note to coaches: Remember—you are not immune to the Dance of the Blind Reflex and can actually become an unwitting dance partner. Are you working harder in your sessions than your client is? Are you taking on their burdens? If so, you may want to consider changing the record and dancing to a different tune.

About the Author

Judith Donin is a Senior Consulting Partner and Professional Services Mentor for North America with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Judith’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

In a paradoxical twist, as it seems to always happen, she had some amazing insight that has helped me understand my value both professionally and personally.

She told this story:

In the 80s my father was invited to interview at a well known Wall Street firm. He said the interview went well. As they were wrapping up, he felt that they may be on the fence and he wanted to close the deal.

So at the end of the interview he said, “Here’s what I’ll do. I will work for free for you for 90 days, and after 90 days, if you don’t think I’m worth it, you can let me go.”

And that’s exactly what happened.

He worked at the firm with no pay for 90 days—and then they let him go. 

He was stunned.

So he went back to the executive team and asked, “How can you let me go after I delivered on every single aspect of the job? I did everything you asked me to do and worked really hard to prove myself to everyone.”

After hearing him out, finally one of the executives said, “We are letting you go because, if you don’t know your worth, we don’t either.”

If you don’t know what you are worth, either professionally or personally, someone definitely will tell you. My friend and I were discussing salary, but the value of knowing your worth transcends work and relates to all avenues of life. What would happen if you truly evaluated your worth? What would you do differently?

Know your worth. Know who you are. And don’t apologize for it. Go out and be you, and dare others to stop you. You’re worth it!

Last year I moved from my home of 25 years. Fortunately, it was my choice to move. Still, the process was exhausting. Step one was making the decision to let go and take the leap. Then came the endless details – listing the house, doing repairs, letting go of most of the things that had been accumulating for all of those years. The house sold on the first day, which was both good and bad news. We had 30 days to pack up and get out. I lost ten pounds in the process, so it wasn’t all bad! Next was making the new place home, which was actually easier than I thought. We now live in a small mountain community and could not be happier. In this case, the stress of the transition was well worth it.

How can coaches help people through times of transition? Here are some suggestions:

1. Help clients focus more on the positive aspects than on the stress. Invoke their imagination by co-creating an image of the future state. What do they see? How do they feel? What are the benefits of the change? Help them mentally leap over the bridge between what is and what could be.
2. If the client is resisting the change (and who doesn’t resist change, at least at first?), ask them some high-octane questions to help them out of their numb state. What is the cost of maintaining the status quo? How can they trust themselves more? How might they see this change in a more positive light?
3. Once a client has made the decision to change—or if they have no choice—they’ll need help going through the process. How can they clear the deck of optional activities that take time and energy during this transition? This is not the time to go it alone. It’s time for them to call in the support system of friends and family.
4. The client needs to have a plan, but should expect surprises—some pleasant, others not so much. It’s all part of the process. How can they increase their capacity to handle ambiguity?
5. Encourage the client to make time for stress management. Most people get so caught up in the stress of change, they forget to take time to take care of themselves.
6. Team with the client to help them keep their forward velocity. Encourage them to celebrate the steps along the way, not just the final outcome. When they get derailed, be there to help them get back on track. Keep moving toward transformation.

Transitions are tough. A coach can provide the energy and perspective needed to help a client successfully move to their next thing—whatever it may be.

About the Author

Kathleen Martin is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Martin’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

These words came at the end of a presentation I gave where I shared a new strategy—a strategy that would require change, including new roles and some sacrifice, from everyone. I wasn’t sure how everyone would respond but I knew I would have my best chance of successfully leading the initiative if I were transparent about the thinking.

Transparency plays a significant role in leadership—especially when leading change. The simple definition of transparency is to be seen through, easy to notice or understand, honest and open, not secretive. Leading change, big or small, requires people to behave differently, to shift and get on board with the change, and to actively support and progress the change.

But it has to be thoughtful transparency. I say thoughtful because being transparent, if not well thought out, has the potential to backfire.

For me, thoughtful transparency takes time and preparation. I need time to reflect and prepare for questions that may come up in conversations. It’s easy for a slipup to happen during stressful situations. A comment or explanation taken the wrong way could be just the excuse people need to sit tight, dig in their heels, and keep things as they are.

As I work to be thoughtful and intentional with my transparency, I begin with a few questions: What is the change? Why are we doing it? What is my role in leading it? A leader needs to be prepared for these questions.

Another important thing to remember is that taking a transparent approach doesn’t mean you have to go it alone. Involve in confidential conversation others who can help you, including your manager, peers, and an external coach.

I also find it helpful to think through a couple of elements of the message I need to share.

What is my overall message? Reflect and get clear on what you want to share with your stakeholders. A message that is clear and compelling includes sharing the current situation and the future state. It helps explain why the change is happening, why now, and what outcomes are expected.

How will roles change? This answers the question How will this change affect me? Prepare to share what roles are needed and how current roles will be impacted. Also, share any new expectations for these roles.

What conversations need to occur? Think about the conversations you will have with key stakeholders. What are the potential gaps? What alignment is needed? What questions do you still have to answer? What still needs to be figured out? Ultimately, conversation is where transparency comes alive—both in a one-on-one situation and as a group. It’s where your ability as a leader can shine as you engage in discussion that needs to happen to facilitate movement toward goals and outcomes.

In my case, transparency served me well. It helped the people affected by the change to be involved, heard, and respected.

I hope you find this approach helpful as you lead change efforts. People can always tell if you are holding back in any way. With a little preparation, transparency can be the best way to approach any sensitive change effort.

Do you agree? Disagree? What would you add? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

About the Author

Joni Wickline is Vice President, International Growth with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Wickline’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

This Coaching Tuesday guest post is by Judith Donin.

I recently found myself sitting beside a young entrepreneur on a flight, and we started chatting. His business was at a crossroads and he was seeking a mentor for help getting unstuck. When he noticed my study books, the topic turned to coaching. Then he asked me an interesting question: “What’s the difference between a coach and a mentor?” Since that conversation, I have spent many hours thinking about the differences between these two roles and the benefits of each in our lives.

Here are my thoughts:

A mentor…

• has pretty much walked in your shoes and can give you the benefit of their experience;
• can teach you unwritten rules and norms;
• often works in the same industry as you do, so there’s a perceived contextual understanding; and
• has useful contacts they can introduce you to.

A mentor can tell you what to do when you don’t know. But your mentor is not you—and a mentor may urge you to follow a path that isn’t one you would normally choose.

A qualified coach…

• follows a process within your conversation to help you draw out your own thinking;
• has no attachment to the outcome—only a goal that you achieve your aspirations;
• has the skills to really listen to you—and pays attention to both verbal and nonverbal communication;
• dares to challenge you and ask questions that others may be unwilling or afraid to ask; and
• gives you a sense that your psychological needs are being met (Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence).

But a coach will not tell you what to do. Instead, a coach will allow you to you discover the answer for yourself.

So what is best for you?  I’d like for you to consider the possibility of both. My career never felt as balanced and productive as when I had both a coach and a mentor—each playing a separate role. Here are my top six tips to follow when seeking both:

When choosing a mentor:

• Ideally, find someone in the same organization—they will be able to teach you how things get done.
• Select someone you admire who has credibility in your organization.
• Select someone who has a sense of your role; ideally, someone who has been in your role or very close to it.
• Select someone you can serve in turn. Think creatively here—does the person yearn to have exposure in your region? Could you read and comment on their research?

When choosing a coach:

• Ideally, select someone outside your industry. You are looking for an outsider’s perspective.
• Select someone you know will be straight with you and use language you will understand and respect.

Make 2016 the year you choose a personal team that will help you achieve your goals and aspirations. Looking for someone to show you the ropes? Consider a mentor who can point the way. Looking for someone to bring out the brilliance already inside you? A coach may be the answer—someone who is trained to listen judgment free and to ask, not tell. Whatever path you choose—or both—you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish with the help of people who care.

PS: In case you were wondering about the entrepreneur, he succeeded in getting unstuck. As it turned out, he had the answers within. We had a 20-minute coaching session as the plane descended

About the author

Judith Donin is a senior consulting partner, executive coach, and professional services mentor for North America with The Ken Blanchard Companies.

I manage the creative design department for my company and have for years. We have a reputation for offering inspired and visually arresting products—because of me, basically. My boss is a great guy; I actually followed him here from another company. In fact, that may be the problem—my boss is just too nice.

I have the kind of job that requires my team and me to deliver on tight, time-sensitive deadlines. Everyone who works with me knows that sometimes we will have to work late or come in early, and that we can’t take undue time off during crunch periods. I am also extremely rigorous about the work we produce—after all, our reputation depends on it! I often give direct reports hard feedback to help them bring their work up to standard.

Sometimes when one of my people wants to take time off and I have told them no, they go running to my boss. The next thing I know, he calls me on the carpet for being too tough. What’s worse is when he tells a person they can take the time off they want, even when they are working on a big fat deadline. Of course, he doesn’t talk to me about how I am supposed to meet the deadline! I recently was admonished by HR when a direct report exceeded their PTO and it was because my boss told the person they could!

It is impossible to get things done when my boss doesn’t support my decisions. He wants everyone to love him, but it is at my expense.

Overridden

Dear Overridden,

So many middle managers are busy protecting their people from the slings and arrows of the folks upstairs—but you seem to have the opposite problem. This is definitely a tough one. Your boss wouldn’t be the first leader to be undone by their own need to be liked.

I hear the anger and resentment you are feeling and it is probably getting in the way of what really needs to happen—you need to sit down with your boss and hash out some boundaries.

Here is something I have tested with both myself and clients. It is a 7-step process for a conversation, taken from the book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. This approach is a good way to call out natural, forgivable human behaviors that everybody engages in at one time or another.

1. Name the issue (g., your people go running to your boss when they don’t like what you’ve said).
2. Select 2 or 3 specific examples of the behavior or situation you want to change.
3. Describe your emotion about this issue (e.g., it makes you feel unsupported by him).
4. Clarify what is at stake—and be very clear about this. Is this a problem because you can’t get your job done or because you are losing credibility?
5. Identify your contribution to the problem. Is it possible that you are too tough on your people? Be honest.
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue, being specific about what resolved looks like to you. This is critical and will provide you both with a measure so that you will know if the fix is successful.
7. Invite your partner/boss to respond.

The thing I like most about this process is that it forces you to prepare for a conversation about one problem and one only. You can’t pile on with everything your boss does that drives you crazy—but maybe you can get him to change one thing he does that is hindering your success.

Good luck to you.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a great team at a large construction engineering firm. I feel that my boss is being taken advantage of by a couple of my peers who report to him. My boss travels a lot, so he is never here to see what really goes on, but I see people coming in late, leaving early, and claiming that their plate is full and they can’t take on more work when I know they are on their computers trolling shopping sites for deals. Meanwhile, I keep taking on more and more.

My team is, and I am, really at capacity in terms of workload and I am getting resentful.  Should I rat people out? I really don’t want to, but this situation is getting out of hand. 

– Don’t Want to be a Rat

Dear Don’t Want to be a Rat,

I totally understand your frustration – I do – it stinks to be working like a dog while others are goofing around.  But the answer is not to rat out your slacking peers.  I can pretty much guarantee that it will not get you the result you want.  One question I would ask is this: what metrics does your boss use to measure performance? Is your team crushing the numbers vis a vis the other teams? For a lot of managers these days, hours and work styles are less important than actual performance. Teams are measured by the outcomes they reach more than by lesser variables such as time spent, attendance and the degree to which they shop online at work. In fact, studies have shown that when employees are allowed shop online, they tend to work harder—often coming in earlier and staying later because they don’t have to use off-work time to shop.

Ratting is really only to be used as a last resort in the case of ethical violations or serious matters that could risk people’s safety or cause great harm to the firm.  Why?  Because you might be seen as petty minded, judgmental, or interfering by your boss, who—to make things worse—might not like being told how to do his job. You might even end up ratting on someone who could get promoted and be your boss in the future. Ratting could earn you a reputation that follows you for your entire career.  The ultimate truth is that nobody likes a rat, and the cost of ratting is often high. So if you are going to risk it, only do it in dire circumstances.

But.  You have to do something because, as it is said, holding on to resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.  So. Here is what you can do: take care of yourself, your people, and your corner of the yard.  Set proper boundaries and don’t take on more work than is fair. Put your attention on your people and support them to do impeccable work so your team rises above the average performance of others.

Channel your anger into doing an amazing job and do anything you can to let go of your anger—because ultimately, it hurts only you.  Good luck.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

My favorite thing he said was something that reminded me of a story I heard Sheryl Sandberg tell a couple of years ago on one of her Lean In videos. In her role as COO at Facebook, she was faced with a big decision. She looked to CEO Mark Zuckerberg for input—but instead of giving her his opinion, or even an answer, he asked her, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” I was thunderstruck. I wrote it on a sticky note, put it on my bulletin board, and have used that question to guide my decisions ever since. At Facebook they have it on posters all over the campus.

What would I do if I weren’t afraid?

Here is why I love it so much: it is the ultimate coaching question. Because it cuts right to the fact that most of us are afraid most of the time. Afraid we don’t have enough information. Afraid we don’t have enough education. Afraid we aren’t smart enough, creative enough, or simply enough.

Afraid we haven’t gotten enough advice, or the right advice, or advice from the best person. Afraid we will make the wrong decision. Afraid we will make the right decision but our boss won’t like it, or our people won’t accept it. Afraid that our mother, sister, father, or spouse will laugh at us. Afraid that the climate will shift so radically by the time we can get the decision implemented that it will all be moot.

I’m kind of kidding on that last one, but kind of not, too. There is so much to be afraid of—big things and little things; rational things and absurd things. But, as leaders, we can’t let this stop us because mostly, we make decisions.

So the next time you aren’t sure, and you are thinking of asking someone what you should do, stop and ask yourself the ultimate coaching question. See what your answer is.

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Using the acronym UNITE, the authors explained that the creation of a collaborative work environment rests on five foundational principles.

Utilize differences. Organizations need to appreciate and be open to people and ideas that may seem at first to be outside of the mainstream. The best companies seek out creative thinking from all corners of the organization. The focus for leaders is to make sure that all ideas are surfaced for consideration.

Nurture safety and trust. New ideas will flourish when people feel safe to share them freely without fear of judgment. Leaders need to give people space to experiment and innovate, view mistakes as learning opportunities, and encourage risk taking. Trust is also generated through transparency—when leaders share knowledge about themselves and are clear about expectations.

Involve others in crafting a clear purpose, values, and goals. Instead of seeing purpose, values, and goals as something always originated by senior leaders, the authors recommend that everyone be involved in the process. Doing it this way encourages a sense of camaraderie and ownership in the group. Leaders follow through by reinforcing what was agreed upon, demonstrating supportive behaviors, and walking the talk.

Talk openly. Underlining the importance of utilizing differences and creating an environment of safety and trust, the authors shared the benefits of people talking openly without worrying about upsetting the status quo. There are benefits to creative conflict—but only when people can vigorously debate ideas without getting personal.

Empower yourself and others. Some leaders need to learn how to let go. True collaboration can never exist if people constantly look to the leader to solve problems. So don’t wait for someone else to decide it’s time to collaborate—everyone is responsible for creating a collaborative environment.

When people are busy, it’s normal to want to focus on getting individual work done. To combat this urge, the authors remind us of an old adage: “If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

Collaboration Begins with You: Be a Silo Buster shows the way. The book is now available online and in bookstores. You can learn more on the book’s website—or, if you’d like to listen to the author webinar I attended, be sure to access the full recording.

Interested in getting your team together for a live event? The authors will be conducting a second live webinar on October 21 as a part of the monthly webinar series from The Ken Blanchard Companies. The event is free. You can learn more or register using this link.

“Collaboration is often hardest within polite groups of people because they don’t tend to express differences openly,” explains Parisi-Carew. “True collaboration is built on the appreciation of diverse opinions. In many departments or project groups, the standard behavior is to shy away from conflict or debate. People are afraid to speak their truth.”

Parisi-Carew, a coauthor with Ken Blanchard and Jane Ripley of the new book, Collaboration Begins with You, (on sale October 12) explains that one key to creating a collaborative environment is a department or project leader who models what constructive disagreement looks like. For leaders interested in taking some first steps toward improving collaboration in their organizations, here are seven suggestions—drawn from the book—for promoting healthy debate in your organization.

Seven Ways to Encourage Healthy Debate

1. Promote the idea that disagreement is constructive.
2. Encourage respectful debate around issues; support differing viewpoints.
3. Take a facilitator role if difficulties arise; seek to understand concerns behind each stated position.
4. Get training and train others in giving/receiving feedback and in conflict resolution.
5. Ask questions and praise candid answers.
6. See feedback as a gift, without judgment or defensiveness. Give constructive feedback and be open to feedback from others.
7. Show your colleagues what values look like as behaviors. Speak up in meetings. Encourage others to speak freely without fear of judgment. Welcome all ideas and consider them before decisions are made.

“As a leader, you have a large sphere of influence,” says Parisi-Carew. “That means not only modeling desired behaviors but also providing the environment, structure, strategies, and practices that support collaboration.”

Can’t we just get to work? Why do we have to spend time getting all touchy-feely about how we will work together?

The most effective virtual teams have a clear agreement—often called a charter—that spells out how they will work together on a project. Will Felps, senior lecturer and associate head of the school of management at University of New South Wales Business School, along with recent postgraduate Virginia Kane, have clarified in new research that a team without a charter wastes time and energy and produces lower quality results. Depending on the work of the team, a charter can be brief or extensive—but all good charters address a team’s purpose, goals, team norms, roles, and decision making.

Despite what we know about the value of chartering, taking time at the beginning of a project to talk about how the team will work together often meets with tremendous resistance. So how do you get experts to charter? The secret to effective chartering is to take advantage of what scientists, engineers, programmers, and technical experts all have in common—the love of problem solving.

Consider positioning the chartering process as a series of problems to solve. Here are some examples:

Problem: On my last team we had a problem with team members duplicating each other’s work. Solution: Let’s make some agreements about roles and responsibilities.

Problem: I had an experience where team members were not sharing all their information, so we made a bad decision. Solution: Let’s create some practices to ensure everyone gets the information they need before we make a decision.

Problem: Our team wasted a lot of time because people had different ideas about the goal and deliverables. Solution: Let’s talk freely and decide goals and preferred outcomes together.

Problem: A previous team I was on spent way too much time on conference calls that were disorganized and boring. Solution: Let’s decide together via email about creating an efficient standardized agenda for our calls.

Problem: I was on a team once where we couldn’t find the most up-to-date documents because there were no naming conventions—and no one ever deleted old versions from the shared drive. Solution: Let’s agree on a document sharing system at our first meeting.

At the beginning of a new project, establish the need for a team charter by acknowledging a few of the typical problems new teams encounter. Then say, “In everyone’s experience, what problems do you think we might need to solve before they happen?”

Don’t feel you have to use the word charter. Feel free to call the team agreement anything you want—internal service level agreement, way of working, problem solving strategy, action agreement—anything that appeals to the team. The goal is to get each team member fully engaged in problem solving and norm creation.

Smart, ambitious experts are motivated by competence and accomplishment. Use this technique to leverage the team’s love of problem solving toward creating a powerful team agreement for success.

About the author

Carmela Southers is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in increasing organizational, team, and leader effectiveness in the virtual work world.

We want to keep up a good attitude. We don’t recognize that we have them or how much they are bothering us. To admit we are tolerating a lot may feel like whining or complaining. Dwelling on tolerations and complaining about them without taking action would be negative. To tell the truth about what’s bugging you is not complaining, it is exposing your legitimate gripes to harsh light, and creating an environment in which you can eliminate them.

It’s too hard to get rid of them. We feel it’s going to take too much time, be too inconvenient, or cost too much money to eliminate our tolerations. Because the need to take care of tolerations is a constant, like maintaining your fitness level or caring for another, we are afraid that once we start down that road, it will never end. In fact, that’s true. Like fitness, maintaining a toleration-free life is a lifestyle, a series of active, committed choices. The result of these consistent choices is a lot more energy to put toward what is important to you. Instead of focusing on how much it costs you to rid yourself of tolerations, you need to consider the cost of not taking care of them over the long run.

We don’t know how to get rid of them. Sometimes a toleration is so big, or so overwhelming, that we can’t imagine how to get rid of it. So we reconcile ourselves to powering through and living with it instead. The hold-your-breath-and-clench-your-jaw approach can get you through in the short term, but it’s a tough act to keep up indefinitely.

We feel that we don’t deserve to address what we are tolerating or that we are not worth spending the necessary time and/or money on. We feel that we should be selfless, more charitable, less demanding. This is connected to how you see yourself; the story you tell yourself about what you do and do not deserve.

Give Yourself Permission

Every time I work with a client or a group on tolerations I see the faces light up with the possibility of sloughing off a bunch of little annoyances. The vast improvement in quality of life is worth taking the time, spending the money, getting help with a problem, or simply giving yourself permission to make that list and start crossing things off it. Start right now. Grab a piece of paper and just start writing down everything that you are tolerating—and don’t forget the dripping faucet in the kitchen!

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

It usually comes up when these leaders are describing how they are assisting colleagues or direct reports by fixing what they perceive needs fixing. They describe being met with resistance, defensiveness, and with non-cooperation.

The ability to judge, discern, assess and conclude are essential business skills for leaders to possess.

However, those strengths become weaknesses when leaders search for the one right way to answer a question or solve a situation.

Rather than as problems to be solved, is there another way to look at the issues and challenges you are asked to help with at work, at home, and in life?

Making A Shift

One of the best ways for a leader to move beyond “I’m right, you’re wrong” thinking is to shift from being the expert to being the curious learner. The good news is that when you resist the impulse to fix you immediately succeed in removing the other person’s fearful and reflexive defensiveness.

Wondering what that might sound like? Here are a few phrases to consider the next time you are faced with an issue or challenge begging for a solution.

• “Hmm, isn’t that interesting!”
• “What do you think?”
• “What else is important to consider?”
• “I wonder what we haven’t thought about yet…”
• “Who else could help us address this?”
• “What should we be sure NOT to do?”

Trying not to fix things is hard for many leaders. You may fear your value to your workplace will evaporate, especially if you have identified yourself as the problem solver. Remember, you are you—and being a problem solver is a skill, not an identity. (Also, a problem solver can sometimes carry the reputation of being a rigid know-it-all—so that skill could be more of a hindrance than you might have realized.)

Consider shifting from problem solver to talent incubator. Support your direct reports by helping them address their own workplace challenges.  Help them develop their leadership skills.  That’s a solution everyone will appreciate!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

In short order, the client mentioned five large development goals—and my sense was that he could have easily doubled that list if I had given him an extra minute or two.

This didn’t surprise me—my experience has been that if asked, most leaders can identify a laundry list of development goals for themselves.

What I’ve learned, though, is that for leadership development to be most effective it’s better to focus on only one or two objectives at a time—to gather, versus scatter, our forces when establishing a learning focus.

Biting Off the Right Amount

Developing a new behavior takes time, energy, and practice—and it’s often a trial and error process. If your scope is too big and you try to tackle too many changes at once, it can become overwhelming. When this happens, frustration can set in—which can lead to throwing up your hands in defeat.

Setting a reasonable goal is more likely to lead to success. But reasonable doesn’t mean something already in your comfort zone. The change you seek should stretch and challenge you—maybe even scare you a little.

3 Questions That Can Help

When defining the right level of challenge, ask yourself:

1. With my limited time and energy, what are the one or two most impactful areas I should focus on?
2. What would achieving this goal look like? What would be different? What is the target I’m striving to hit?
3. Who can I enlist (a coach, friend or mentor) to help me along the way?

Focus Leads to Mastery

Gather your forces by picking one or two behaviors you want to acquire or change—and then practice, practice, practice. Try to think of the time you spend in development as a learning lab as you test and refine the new behaviors you want to add to your tool kit. Take time periodically to evaluate what is working and what isn’t. Give yourself permission to fumble along the way.

Keep in mind that learning happens over time, with practice. If you stay focused, before you know it you will master and own that new attitude, habit, or skill.

And after you celebrate, you can pick a new area to focus on!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine:

I have recently been transferred to be the principal of a college. I am tasked with lecturing as well as ensuring that the curriculum is quality assured and that financial management and procurement systems are in place.  

My challenge is that I can’t find time enough to lead. When I came, I found nothing in place. I spend my days literally fighting fires ‎and troubleshooting.

I need some structure so that I can have meaningful time to get to know my colleagues as well as the students. Please advise how to deal with the madness that is my work. Once I get a grip on things, this is going to be the most rewarding job for me.  —New at the Helm

Dear New,

There is so much good advice for folks just getting started that it fills a section at the bookstore. But I am going to do us both a favor and start with some small, doable steps that will help you manage how overwhelmed you feel.

Get the Noise Out of Your Head

This first step is to create a mind map of everything you think you should be doing and all the people who need your attention.

Start by placing yourself in the center of the map and then create a bucket for each area that needs your attention.

Make sure to include each important person who reports to you. Each bucket will have actions attached to them. Jot down all of the actions around each bucket until everything you should be doing is somewhere on your map.

Your map will look messy and disorganized. This is expected. The point is to get the noise out of your head and onto a piece of paper.

Do, Delegate, Defer, or Dump

Once you have everything on your map, it’s time to prioritize. Start with items that are most critical and apply the Do, Delegate, Defer, or Dump approach. Resolve that for each item you will either:

• Do it—put it on the calendar for you to do
• Delegate it—decide who you can delegate the task to and either write a note with the request and clear direction or put a meeting on the calendar to discuss it with them
• Defer it—decide the task is not a priority at this time and leave it on the mind map to revisit next month, next quarter, or next year
• Dump it—determine the item is simply not important enough and that it is coming off your list 

Plan and Review Each Day

Schedule surviving tasks on a calendar as if your life depended on it—certainly your sanity does. Make sure you schedule one to-do item and one 15-minute meeting with a teacher or a student into each day. Also be sure to take 15 minutes every morning to review your day. Taking 15 minutes will calm your brain and keep you focused. It will also help you make better decisions about when to switch your focus to something pressing, or finish what you are doing and then attend to what’s needed. 

If you start feeling overwhelmed again, make another mind map and begin the whole process over. I have found that some clients need to go through this process twice a year or more, while others only need it during big transitions.

The key to getting a grip on things is to first make a plan. Keep telling yourself “First things first,” and keep breathing deeply. Then break down the steps and do one or two small things a day (in between firefighting and teaching) until things begin to feel more even-keeled.

Good luck with the new job and keep me posted on how things are going.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I recently earned a great big promotion, and just moved into a beautiful house with my hubby and toddler. But the truth is, I am terrified of all the success I’ve had before 35.

However will I sustain it?  How do I know I’ll be happy with all this when I look back when I’m 50?

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

Congratulations on your wonderful success!  It is normal to feel anxiety as your responsibility grows – the more you have, the more you have to lose if things go wrong.  Here’s the good news: research shows that 88% of the stuff you worry about will never happen, and that whatever does happen, you’ll deal with it better than you anticipate.

Let’s take a look at your concerns:  sustaining your success and determining what really makes you happy.  Here are a few big ideas that should help:

• Define what success really means to you. To sustain success, you have to be clear about your personal definition of that word. What elements of your current success—the big job, the beautiful house, the family—are essential to your definition of success? What’s missing? What’s optional? What do you want to see when you look back at 50? Paint a picture of the future and create a clear, long-term vision.
• Identify your values. To understand what will make you happy in the long run, you have to be clear about your values. Knowing your values also helps when you reach crossroad choice points, because you can choose what matters most to you. So—what is most important to you about your beautiful house? Is it the prestige of the address or is it the spaciousness it affords you and your family?  How about your big job?  Is it that you get to be challenged and leverage your strengths or is it that you have status and power?  Values can shift as you move into new periods of your life, so it is a good idea to re-examine them regularly.
• Focus on personal sustainability. Next you will want to get serious about how you sustain your own health and well being – literally, your personal sustainability. The concept of life/work balance can seem like just another goal you are failing at. But you need to make sure you hold up over the long haul.  Investing time in taking care of yourself will help ensure that no matter what happens, you will be healthy and clear-minded enough to make the best choices for yourself and the people you care about.  Decide what your standards are for self care and stick to them tenaciously.
• Never compare. As your toddler gets to be school age, you will be rubbing elbows with other moms and have the experience of being judged and found wanting by what I have come to refer to as the Mommy Police.  And as harsh as the Mommy Police may be, they won’t hold a candle to the way you judge yourself.  At the same time, at work, you will feel the competitive pressure of young whippersnappers just like yourself who can put in the hours without feeling the Mommy guilt.  Notice whatever impulse you have to compare yourself to others – any others, ever – and immediately counter it with a mantra that goes something like: “I am paying attention to what is most important to me and what other people are doing is not relevant right now.”  Also helpful is Judy Ford’s “your opinion of me is none of my business.”  Decide whose opinion actually does matter and listen to only those people.  Decide what your priorities are, based on your values, and don’t let anyone but your designated posse pressure you into doubting yourself.

Breathe deep; try to enjoy the ride.  Unexpected setbacks are inevitable, but if you keep your eye on your vision and values, take care of yourself, and trust yourself, you will look back with no regrets.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve been in my job for 18 months and I’m good at it. I’m basically pretty clear about what I’m supposed to be doing, and I know my coworkers see me as dependable.

My problem is that I can’t get any time with my boss. I send emails and leave voicemails with questions, but seldom get an answer from him. Even when he responds, he doesn’t answer my questions.

To be fair, he travels all over the world so he is always on a plane or in an airport, managing time zones. And since the company downsized he now has about 15 direct reports, so I’m guessing he’s basically overwhelmed. But I know I could be more useful if I could just get clarity on my objectives sometimes.

A Voice in the Wilderness

____________________________________________________________

Dear Voice,

Wow. I feel for you and I feel for your boss. But here’s the thing—when a manager is running around with their pants on fire like yours is, all they have the bandwidth for is dealing with the real problems. So in your case, no news is probably good news—your boss trusts you to keep things humming.

Could there be a reason you don’t trust yourself? Perhaps you simply lack confidence. In our celebrated leadership model, Situational Leadership® II, you would be at development level three—a capable, but cautious, performer. Here are a few ideas that could help you feel like you are on more solid ground:

• Tighten up your communication with your boss. Put your question in the subject line of the email and make it easy for him to give you a yes or no answer.
• Instead of asking questions, explain the situation and offer up a suggested solution. This lets your boss reply with either a quick “Go for it” or “Wait, have you thought about …”.
• Find a mentor in your organization who might have more time for you and can help you develop.
• Identify a peer or colleague that has more experience than you with whom you can brainstorm solutions.
• Put yourself on your boss’s calendar when you know he will be in the office. Be prepared with an agenda so you can get through your issues with lightning speed.

Good luck!

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

But before we get going with actual questions, I thought it would be a good idea to share the framework that I use to contextualize the questions I get and the advice I give on a regular basis.

(I don’t just make stuff up as I go – people may actually think that coaches do that, but I am here to tell you that the good ones use research, models, and frameworks that are proven to yield the best possible results.  To make stuff up I would actually have to be a lot smarter than I am.)

As a coach for the past 25 years I have seen many methods used to help clients identify what they need to work on to be more effective leaders.  I have found that almost all focus areas fit into one of three main categories – deciding who we are as a leader, being a good strategic leader, and being a good operational leader. Most issues leaders face like time management, managing up, dealing with “problem” employees, and decision making can be placed into these three critical areas. 

Self Concept as a Leader

Each leader has to define for herself who she will be as a leader, and what leadership means to her.  Almost every client I have ever worked with talks about character and integrity and the question is always begged: how are character and integrity defined? Each leader is personally stronger when that person understands self and what leadership means within the framework of self. In future columns we will be exploring “Who are you as a leader?” and “Who do you want to be in this situation?” 

Strategic Leadership Skills

This includes vision, culture and strategic imperatives.  We’ll discuss how leaders can articulate the vision for the organization and paint a clear picture of the future that everyone in the company can visualize and work toward.  We’ll also discuss how the strategic leader defines and builds the culture of an organization, and how leaders create a specific yet compatible culture within the larger one.  Finally, we’ll look at how a leader ensures that all resources are being deployed to help achieve the strategic imperatives of the organization.  

Operational Leadership Skills

Operational Leadership covers management practices that drive policy, procedures, and systems.  Leaders at the operational level are responsible for knowing the strategies that are driving operations.  We’ll look at how managers set policies, put procedures in place to communicate, make decisions, manage conflict, escalate emergencies, and solve problems. In this section we’ll also look at how leaders help the group state norms and roles and then hold people accountable to the agreements made.

3 Big Buckets—A World of Questions

Almost every work issue that a client brings to a coaching session can be anchored in one of these three areas, and shedding light and achieving clarity can always help.  Where do you get stuck?  Write to me and perhaps I can help.  Just use the reply section below to post your well-intentioned question.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard, and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

As we continued on the topic, she told me how this leader wants to be very encouraging of other people in his company—and often joins team meetings to hear about the latest ideas, projects, and plans. In his enthusiasm to endorse the thinkers, he told the coach that he always “adds value.”

That’s a potential problem.

What do you think happens when he comes in as an outsider and tries to improve on a team’s decision? Our coach is going to ask, but I’d say it’s a safe guess that when this leader speaks, others stop speaking. It’s pretty hard to disagree with a VP.

While this leader has a great idea to recognize and endorse the good work of others, I’m glad he’s working with a coach to support him in this plan, because even the best intentions can sometimes have the opposite impact. Rather than offering to add value by improving others’ ideas, the real value he could add in these meetings would be to really listen. Here’s why:

• Through listening, the VP shows team members he values what they have to say.
• This creates a safe environment for team members to speak up and share ideas.
• He could model the benefit of asking open-ended questions.
• He could share the floor by soliciting input from others around the table.
• Active listening will result in higher quality decisions that originate directly from team members.

Adding value is wonderful—but the VP isn’t the only voice of value at the table. By stopping his own reflex to fix or improve and instead truly listen to others, this new VP can generate even greater value—and more opportunities to catch people doing things right!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, our 130 coaches have coached over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Please don’t be too alarmed if you see yourself in one of these descriptions—that was one of my intentions. I wanted to make it easy for you to identify yourself. After all, you can’t craft a solution until you identify the real nature of the problem. My intention in using the labels is to keep things fun and light, but also to be clear.  Okay, here goes:

The In-Director. You believe people don’t like to be bossed around, and you don’t want people to think you’re bossy.  So you don’t give super clear direction—but then you’re disappointed in the results.

The Punch Puller. You are afraid of damaging the relationship or demotivating the employee, so you don’t give constructive, developmental feedback when needed. Even when you are forced to give feedback, you fail to make clear requests.

Ms. Max Flex. You are so sympathetic and so empathetic to the needs of your employees that you—perhaps inadvertently—put their needs ahead of the team or the business.

Captain Empowerment. You have such a high value for fairness that you treat everyone the same way regardless of their competence or skill levels. Your mantra is “You can do it!” despite ample evidence to the contrary—and you think if you believe in people enough, they won’t let you down.

The Freedom Fighter. Your own need for freedom blinds you to the fact that not everyone has the same needs. You give people way more rope than they want and the result can be frustration—or even failure.

Horton the Elephant. Maisy the flaky bird flies south for a nonstop party while Horton sits on her eggs through rain, hail and snow. Are you Horton? Simply too patient for your own good and letting your people take advantage of you?

The Wuss. You let your need to be liked get the better of you, at great cost to your own success. You may suffer from aspects of some or all of the above conditions. What you know for sure is that you tolerate way too much and let your people walk all over you.

Is There A Cure?

The good news is that all of these behaviors stem from your being a generous and kind person—but they can really hurt you and your team. Stay tuned and I’ll go into a little more detail about each one over the next few weeks. In the meantime if you recognize yourself, one of your direct reports, or your boss here, note examples of these behaviors as you move through your days. The more specific and concrete you can be about behaviors that aren’t working, the easier it will be to shift them.

PS: Are there other behaviors you’ve seen that I’ve missed? If you have an idea for a different challenge or label, I would love to hear it.  Just add it to the comments section below!

About this column

Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard, and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Previous posts in this series:

The Well-Intentioned Manager’s New Year’s Resolution: Have More Fun

The Top Three Mistakes Good Managers Make

Managing Polarities: A Key Skill for the Well-Intentioned Manager

As managers we are expected to have the best interest of the organization as a prime objective and yet the needs of each of our direct reports are also critical. The process of balancing both is a polarity because it involves two, interdependent, correct answers to the question: “In my relationship with this person, should I be concerned about her, or should I be concerned about her ability to perform her tasks?”

As a well-intentioned manager, you need to pay attention to your people’s needs, and you need to keep an eye on the extent to which things are actually getting done. If you just take care of your direct report and neglect the tasks at hand, it won’t be a very satisfactory solution. Staying focused on getting the tasks done and neglecting your direct report won’t be a very satisfactory solution either.

Managing well is a response to a polarity. Barry Johnson, the author of Polarity Management: Identifying and Managing Unsolvable Problems defines polarity management as the identification and management of unsolvable problems. He says that a polarity is created when a situation has two or more right answers that are interdependent.

Using Johnson’s approach, the polarity we are describing might look like this.

While we are constantly striving for the highest positive outcome for both the organization and individuals, sometimes it’s just impossible to achieve. Events conspire to push things into the negative. But nothing lasts forever and the objective is to keep things moving back toward the positive while minimizing the negative.

Dealing with Polarities

For managers faced with the seemingly unsolvable problem of balancing individual needs and organizational imperatives here are some steps you can take to help others and keep your sanity:

• Recognize that when you feel that you are “caught between and rock and a hard place” it’s because you are. Sometimes it helps just to realize that your situation is in fact extremely difficult and that feeling frustrated is an appropriate response.
• Empathize fully with your employee – listen well, make sure your employee feels heard and advocate for what is needed in the situation. Often, once a person feels that they have been understood, they are empowered to make different choices and rise to a challenge in new ways.
• Engage in creative problem solving together. Just because you are the manager, it doesn’t mean you have all the answers. Go for a walk together – a study out of Stanford University found that just walking for 6-15 minutes increases creative thinking by 60 percent.
• Take care of yourself – extreme stress and worrying about others requires extreme self care. Your ability to be patient, kind, fair, and balanced depends on staying reasonably well-rested, keeping your blood sugar consistent, and breathing deeply.

A New Way of Thinking

Every individual has needs, thoughts and feelings about their work environment that must be attended to. The organization needs constant attention to strategic goals and operational imperatives – and often will require extra effort or even sacrifice from employees. And as a manager, there are days when you’re caught in the middle. Instead of problems with a correct answer, you have unsolvable problems that require a whole new way of thinking. One excellent tool to support this kind of thinking is Polarity Management.

About this new column

Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned is a new Saturday feature for a very select group – the well intentioned manager. Leadership is hard, and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for another unique problem and resources that can help.

When Ken arrived, he was briefed on the situation and the inability to determine a cause.  After reviewing the data, Ken thought about it a minute and then suggested that a good next step would be to talk to front line employees to see if they could shed some light on the situation.

“Why do you want to talk to them?  What would they know that we don’t?” was the general reaction of the senior leadership.

But Ken persisted. He conducted a number of interviews and found out that people thought that the plant was a good place to work and that wages were competitive as management had shared.  However, he also quickly found out that the air conditioning in the plant didn’t work very well.  As one worker told him, “It’s hotter than heck down there—and after a while you just can’t take it anymore.  That’s why people leave.”

Ken reported the information back to the senior leaders who were surprised. They hadn’t thought to ask the people closest to the situation. They quickly improved the air conditioning system and saw the retention rate return to normal levels.

And even though Ken’s mom exclaimed, “And you get paid for this?” when he first shared the story, the problem is more common than it might seem at first.

Here are three questions to ask about your own organization:

1. Are their opportunities for improvement in your organization that are well-known to frontline workers but may not be known to senior leaders?
2. What aspects of your company’s culture might keep people from sharing what they know?
3. How can you, as a leader, make it easier for people to share information with you?

It is easy for senior leaders to become isolated and removed from the day-to-day activities happening within their organizations. Talk to your people. Ask questions. You might be surprised by what you learn.

There are three phases in selling ideas or initiating a new approach. There is the pre-sell. Then there is the sell. And then there is the after-sell. The actual sell may be the least important element.

Persuading people to adopt something new is tricky. It requires them to move away from their current thinking and embrace something different. Sometimes the real challenge isn’t getting them to like the new way—it’s getting them to let go of the old one.

If you are looking to launch an initiative and are hoping to get buy-in and agreement, it’s important to take a realistic approach. None of this is apt to happen if this is an agenda item that only gets ten minutes at a one-hour meeting. It’s even less likely if the meeting is virtual—it’s hard to read people when you can’t see them. Double this if people routinely multi-task. And triple it if there are political implications to the issue.

Focus on the Pre-Sell and the After-Sell

To increase the chance of a successful sell, it’s important that there be time and opportunity for some pre-sell activity. Most success stories don’t come from magic answers and silver bullets. It’s rare that you’ll be able to merely announce “Do this and your problems will be over. This will fix everything.”

Give people significant time to get up to speed on the upcoming proposal before any meeting is held.  A useful concept to keep in mind is what the Japanese call nemoashi. It means “building consensus and respecting the individual.”  Maximizing the likelihood of success requires some pre-sell effort to let people know what the issue is. This includes advocating a solution and making your case ahead of time.

During any sell meeting, manage the agenda to avoid snap decisions with little opportunity for meaningful discussion.

Most important, leave ample time for after-sell discussions. After the sell, attendees may be thinking about potential drawbacks of the new process or decision or the unforeseen disadvantages that the new order of things could cause. They may begin to regret what they agreed to. Of course, we know this as buyer’s remorse.

To avoid this, restate objectives and clarify goals to assuage fears and support the new decision. Give attendees an opportunity to state their concerns. Be responsive to their resistance. Be grateful that they are willing to surface their candid objections. And then deal with resolving those objections.

Take Time So Decisions Stick                             

If you really want to advocate progress, you have to do whatever it takes. “Let’s just wait until the Friday meeting and decide when we’re all together,” sounds good, but how realistic is it, really? Even if you do get it on the agenda, even if there is a discussion, there is a good chance that the final outcome isn’t going to work. Attendees may agree with it. There may be a show of hands or a successful vote. But will it really happen?

Increase your chance of success by taking the time to get people up to speed. Allow them the opportunity to surface concerns and resolve issues.  It’s the thoughtful approach that leads to better results.

About the author

Dr. Dick Ruhe is a best-selling author, keynote speaker, and senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.