Dear Madeleine,

I am a professional office manager. I happily managed a medical practice for many years until I was let go when it was acquired by a large national entity.

I recently went for an interview to manage a new practice after having several promising interviews. I arrived early for the interview and was sitting in the waiting room when I overheard one of the doctors speaking to a PA, a nurse, and the desk staff. He was just awful. He called people names and was overbearing and condescending.

It turned out that he is the managing partner, and my interview was with him. He had no idea I had been sitting and waiting for a while, and he could not have been more charming. I started to get the idea that he really wanted to just hire me on the spot because they keep losing their office managers.

They have offered me the job. The pay is competitive and the benefits are fine. I am just not sure I can deal with this person being my boss. And I don’t think it would be fun to manage a staff that is so browbeaten.

At my last office, the doctors were kind and treated the staff with respect and consideration. I didn’t even realize what a difference that makes until I got a shocking view of the exact opposite.

What do you think? Jobs that fit my skill set in my area aren’t that plentiful. Should I just bite the bullet? I have money saved, so I am not desperate for a job, but I also wonder if I am being too picky. Are my standards too high?

Thanks for any ideas you may have for me.

Too Picky?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Too Picky?

No. You aren’t too picky. You are right to carefully assess the quality of the work environment you are considering. There is so much research showing that incivility in the workplace affects the quality of life and even the health of workers. You can read an example of some here.

Here is the thing. You are basing your initial assessment on one experience. You don’t actually know if the doctor in question behaves that way all the time. Maybe he was having a terrible day. And what about all the other doctors?

You might think about getting in contact with some of the staff members and asking what it is like to work in the office. That will give you a lot more information. If your first impression is corroborated, that will tell you what you need to know. If you still aren’t sure, you might suggest a three-month trial period. If the practice lead and the other doctors are awful all the time, you can leave and tell them why. So it isn’t all or nothing. You might have an opportunity to influence and make the practice the kind of happy place you were accustomed to.

Your instincts are good, Too Picky. I just don’t know that you need to make a snap decision. Explore the opportunity a little more. Maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I hope you find the right place!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a large team of accounting professionals for a company of about 4800 employees. I have worked very hard to create a great team, and I have excellent, dedicated people.

My problem is our payroll manager (PM). He is generally very easy-going and a hard worker. He is a whiz at working with our software provider. He catches errors and has proved invaluable.

The issue is this: PM can be very off-putting when an employee calls with a problem—and when it is an executive with a huge salary, he is at his very worst. We have received complaints from enough people that my boss is on my case now. I have tried to offer him feedback and have recommended that he take a customer service class that is in our online learning library.

Recently, PM said something insulting to a regional VP of sales. I didn’t hear it because I was in a conference room, but we have an open office plan and a bunch of people did hear it. I am just waiting for a complaint to come in. When I approached him about the incident, he admitted that he had been triggered by the VP’s attitude, which he perceived as condescending and abusive.

He appears to resent how much money some people make, and he has told me several times that he thinks everyone in accounting is underpaid, especially him. All of us (including me) are paid proper market rate for people in our profession. It is true that jobs in accounting don’t pay as well as they once did.

I told PM that his growing reputation is not going to help me make the case to get him a raise. He got mad at me, cut the conversation short, and walked -away shaking his head. Since then he has been very cranky with everyone. On one hand, I am afraid he will quit. On the other hand, I kind of wish he would quit, because if he can’t change his attitude I will have to fire him.

I keep trying different angles to help him, but can’t seem to find anything that works. I don’t know what to do. How can I help PM deal with his resentment and stop being rude to our customers?

Want to Help

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Want to Help,

I appreciate your desire to help. The rule I will remind you of right out of the gate is that you can’t save people who don’t want to be saved. In my darker hours, I am almost 100% certain that you can’t save people, period. Though I could be wrong about that.

It can be hard to face the ugly truth that the profession you trained for doesn’t pay as well as others. This might come as a surprise to PM if he got into accounting because he liked it and was good at it, but didn’t research compensation before he made his choice. It can be a huge challenge to offer impeccable customer service to people who are jerks and who make (what might be judged as) entirely too much money. Money is simply a big, fat trigger for a lot of people—certainly for many people who feel underpaid and/or undervalued.

Customer service takes a special kind of person, and I am not sure an online course is going to help someone who simply isn’t cut out for it. If you Google personality traits of excellent customer service representatives, you will find words like empathy, positivity, friendliness, and approachability. I am not saying it is impossible for PM to develop these, but it is probably a long shot.

I do have some ideas for you:

• Go super direct. Ask PM if he wants to stay in the job and find a way to make it work. That might speed up what happens next. If the answer is yes, tell him he can be mad and cranky all he wants but it isn’t going to change the requirements of the job, which is that he treat any company employee who needs his help with civility and respect. You can share that he is an excellent technical professional, you want to make it work, you believe in second chances, and you are okay with giving him one last chance—but if there is one more incident, you will have to let him go. If the answer is no, well, you know what to do.
• Change the job. If it is at all possible, look into changing PM’s job so he doesn’t have to work directly with customers. Find someone on the team who is naturally kind, caring, non-judgmental, and service oriented to field customer calls. That person can then troubleshoot with PM and get back to the customer. I understand this may prompt a change in job descriptions, which can be a pain in the neck.  The practice of re-designing jobs to suit the people in them rather than hiring the right person for the job can wreak havoc, especially in huge companies.  It all depends on how confident you are in your ability to find someone who can be good at all aspects of the job.
• Let the chips fall where they may. Continue to give feedback and wait for PM to do something that will get him fired. This won’t reflect well on you, but you wouldn’t be the first manager to resort to this option.

Once PM has calmed down, you might consider having a heart-to-heart. If you think he trusts you enough, you can remind him that you are on his side, you care, and you want to set him up to win. You might suggest that he work with a coach or therapist to help him rethink his professional options if he is so bitterly disappointed with the pay—or, at least, to help him deal with whatever triggers him so he can gain more self-control.

It is obvious that you want to help. It makes sense that you want to retain someone who is so technically capable. But, in the end, it will be up to PM to decide if he wants to change. If he can’t—or won’t—there is not a whole lot you can do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Hello Madeleine,

I have read your articles, and I wanted to reach out to you.

I have an equal business partner with whom I have successfully run a restaurant for six years. While I have 30 years of experience in the industry, my business partner had no previous knowledge about restaurant operations. I have used my expertise to elevate our restaurant to a high level.

The reason I am contacting you is to seek advice on how to end this partnership. I would like to either buy him out or have him buy me out. I have made this offer to him but he has not accepted either option.

My desire to end the partnership stems from his wealthy background, which has led him to expect me to work harder to generate more profit for him. He frequently complains about the restaurant’s profits, yet contributes nothing to its success. He has a dominant personality that can sometimes be narcissistic, and he often threatens to dissolve the company. He also brings up the need for expensive lawyers to discuss potential agreements, but my goal is simply to have him leave or to receive compensation so I can move on.

I hope to get your guidance on how to make the best decision in this situation.

Aggrieved Partner

——————-

Dear Aggrieved Partner,

I am sorry for your tribulations. This is a tough one. I wish I could wave a magic wand, send you back six years, and have the two of you map out clear agreements about not only what each person would be expected to contribute to the partnership but also how to manage an exit plan.

Since we can’t go back in time, you are stuck with a situation in which you are dealing with uncomfortable conflict and could potentially lose a lot. What agreements did you sign when you first conceived the idea of a partnership? Might you have something in writing? It seems like you brought the experience and the sweat equity while he provided the seed money. How have you been sharing whatever profit gets generated? You say he threatens to dissolve the company—do you have any ownership stake or power at all?

First things first. You must figure out what matters most to you. Is it winning? Is it punishing your partner for being such a jerk? Or is it more important to get out of this partnership with your sanity and reputation intact, or maybe just find a way to reduce your stress? Once you work this out, you will have a clearer picture of how to proceed.

Here are some options for you to consider:

• Check the laws in your country about business ownership. Consult a lawyer of your own to see what rights you have based on whatever agreements do exist.
• There is something going on that the two of you are not talking about. It seems that your partner (term used loosely) is avoiding the topic of bringing the partnership to a close. Is he perhaps more attached to the business than you realize? There might be some emotional reason that he goes immediately on the defensive when you bring up the topic. The question to your partner might be: “It seems you are unhappy with my ability to generate profit, so I am curious as to why you seem unwilling to dissolve the partnership.”

The more you can communicate with each other, the more likely you will come to some resolution. For this to happen, I will draw your attention to your own grievances against your partner. I am not saying you are wrong about him, but I do think your harsh judgment of him—no doubt formed over years of experience—is almost certainly bleeding into the way you communicate with him. That can’t help matters. Try to remember the way you behaved with your partner when things were first starting and you held him in higher regard. Do your best to shelve your criticisms, well founded as they may be, and change the way you treat your partner. You may think you are good at hiding your opinions, but I guarantee he is feeling them. No one wants to negotiate with someone who hates them.

• It sounds like your partner is distracted and wishes to maintain status quo. If you are desperate enough to poke the bear, make it real to your partner. Prepare two options for him in writing:
  • First option: He sells you his share of the business for what you think it is worth based on the initial investment. Perhaps lay out a scenario in which you buy him out and pay him a set amount over time.
  • Second option: You offer to sell him your share of the business, outlining the value of your sweat equity and what you think that is worth.

Get a lawyer to help you prepare the documents so that they are properly constructed. Your partner might be impatient and annoyed enough to just move ahead and sign one option or the other. Until you do that, he probably won’t take you seriously.

• I hate to say this, but if you feel strongly enough about getting out, you may just have to walk away. Everybody in town is probably aware that you are the heart and soul of the restaurant and the one who has made it a thriving concern. There is a very good chance, based on your reputation, that you will find someone who is willing to invest in you again. If there are no legal documents spelling out the agreements, you might be able to find a way to generate a new opportunity for yourself and simply—leave. If there are no agreements in place, there is nothing any lawyer can do about it, no matter how well compensated they are.
• The last option I can think of is to find a way to focus on what is working. Park your judgment, let your partner’s behavior roll off your back, and enjoy the good thing you have created.

I am truly sorry, Aggrieved Partner, for your situation. Business partnerships are notoriously fraught under the best of circumstances. They are similar to marriages in that no one wants to consider that they might end, and very few prepare well for that possibility. This one is not unlike a marriage in which no pre-nuptial agreement was negotiated. I suspect you will never make that mistake again. I have seen people simply tolerate terrible partners because the pain and loss of dissolving the partnership (or marriage, for that matter) far outweighs the benefits in the long run.

Once you know what is most important to you, you will know what to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Intern,

What do today’s interns want out of a summer internship? My company—like many others—hosts six to eight summer interns every year. I’ve been participating in the program for over fifteen years and during that time I’ve had one, two, or sometimes three interns working for several weeks in our marketing department. It’s been a good experience, and I think the interns have learned something along the way.

I’ve always tried to create an experience that does four things:

1. Provides each intern with a project they can call their own and refer to on their résumé
2. Gives them a chance to work together with other interns both in our department and across other departments
3. Introduces them to corporate culture through regular employee training or all-hands meetings, for example
4. Includes very proactive management, with high levels of direction and support from me as needed

I’ve received good feedback from the interns I’ve worked with using this approach, but I’m afraid I may be stuck with an old-fashioned sense of what an internship should look like. (Full disclosure: I’m in my early 60s.)

Could you give me some feedback on what interns are looking for these days? Where am I on track, and where do I possibly need some fresh thinking? I’d appreciate your viewpoint.

 Thanks,

Always Learning

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Always Learning,

Thank you for reaching out! It’s amazing to see how much effort you put into the internship program in your marketing department. You clearly value your interns and the experience you want to create for them.

Centering interns’ experience around a project they can call their own is such a great way to get them involved and keep them motivated! Speaking from experience, I believe interns want something hands-on and fulfilling. For example, I love supporting other people, so Blanchard granted me a multitude of projects that allowed me to put my passion into practice. My only feedback for you would be to ensure each intern’s project caters to their specific professional journey. They are more likely to feel valued when their contributions are aligned with their strengths, goals, and interests. Interns are excited about and proud of their work!

You can also help your interns feel valued by seeking updates about their projects and asking how you can support them. And when they reach an obstacle (because that will happen), help support and problem-solve to get them back on track. Making them feel like an asset to the company is a great way to build up their confidence in a corporate setting and help them stay motivated.

If your interns are anything like me, they are likely worried about the next ten steps in their career. Interns want to help the company, but the experience they gain is also a driver. As you mentioned in your first point, the résumé they are trying to build is very important. An internship often is the first corporate experience someone will have. Helping your interns build their résumé with something they are enthusiastic about will improve their luck during future interviews—and increase the likelihood that they will want to continue working for your company!

I love how you encourage your interns to network and collaborate with one another! Frustration and confusion are part of the learning process, so letting them get acquainted is an amazing way to embed a support system within the company. Also, having them explore other departments is a great idea! Allowing them to see what their peers are doing and possibly assist them establishes those relationships and helps them adapt to the corporate setting.

Going off that, exposing interns to the corporate culture is such an important process. I’m glad you actively introduce them to it, because I think it’s often assumed that Gen Z is opposed to traditional corporate culture. While there are certainly aspects we seek to change, we also respect the systems in place and want to learn how to facilitate change from within them. Sometimes this means giving us opportunities to go all in! I would just make completely sure your interns feel supported during these new experiences. For instance, you might provide them with low-stakes opportunities to spend time with high performers in your department. Your interns might feel uncomfortable or nervous at first, but with your encouragement these kinds of meetings can be a great learning and networking opportunity for them!

High support and high guidance are so important! As interns (and people in general) are introduced to a brand-new set of tasks, they can sometimes get lost or discouraged. Providing guidance during this season is key for a productive environment and experience. It’s great if your interns are highly motivated, but it’s not a deal-breaker if they aren’t. A rough patch of confusion and low confidence is bound to happen, but usually people can work past it. Encouraging open communication without fear of punishment is crucial in this regard. How can someone help if they aren’t aware that something is wrong?

All this to say, I think your “old-fashioned” approach is still valid! If you want to level-up your internship program, my best advice would be to meet your interns where they are—from the beginning to the end of the program. Start by setting expectations about what the experience is going to be like, making sure to consider their personal strengths, goals, and interests. Wrap up the program by asking for candid feedback about their experience. These practices will ensure that your internship program is always evolving to meet the needs of the next round of interns!

It’s great that you and your company recognize the importance of the internship experience. The effort you are putting into the program is outstanding and sets a great example for your interns. Thank you again for reaching out and valuing their experience!

Best wishes,

Addison the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Addison Dixon, Producer Intern for Blanchard Institute.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the COO for a medium sized, mostly US-based specialty product business. Our CEO was always the idea guy and I was execution. Our business used to be straightforward, but we recently expanded with services and a couple of storefronts—against my recommendation.

Our CEO is a visionary and expects his executive team to figure things out. I thought we might be okay until I realized our CFO and the person who leads our IT department are completely in over their heads. The CFO has no experience at all with the complexities of offering services, how to get people paid, etc., and our technology guy keeps suggesting new software platforms, none of which seem to work with one another. We are spending more money than we anticipated. I feel like we are in a free fall, but my CEO has no interest in details.

I am at my wits’ end. I can’t possibly solve all our problems by myself. We had a perfectly good business, and I am furious with my CEO for blowing it all up. I told him making these big moves before we had some infrastructure in place was going to be a train wreck, but he becomes less reasonable by the day.

Part of me just wants to throw my hands up and walk away. I would lose equity but the way things are going, it will be a share of not much. The CEO and I were friends but the friendship seems to have gone down the tubes. I’m just not sure any of this can be salvaged. Thoughts?

Free Fall

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Free Fall,

Well, you won’t be the first person in history to not be able to stop someone from making colossal mistakes only to end up holding the bag, and you won’t be the last. I am so, so sorry.

I think you already know what you are going to do, Free Fall. What you read next will only confirm it.

There are a few separate issues here. I will list them out and I don’t claim to have the priorities in the right order. Some of these things are more fixable than others.

1. Your people do not have the skill sets required to lead the new parts of the business. (This can be fixed. Not as quickly as you’d like, but still.)
2. There was not enough time spent planning and getting the right resources in place to pull off these big plans. (This is blood under the bridge—you can’t change the past.)
3.  Your CEO seems to have abdicated all responsibility, possibly after having lost his mind. (I suspect this is not something you can influence, since you have already tried.)
4. The relationship between the two of you seems to be damaged beyond repair (unless, over time, you decide to let bygones be bygones).
5. It sounds like you have a very lean operation with no other executives to support you. (It is hard to tell from your letter. If there are, in fact, some competent folks who can help, now is the time to call on them.)
6. Your anger and frustration are clouding your ability to think straight. (This you have control over. The sooner you get hold of yourself, the better.)

Does that sound right?

I think your first job is to find a way to calm down so that you can make your first big decision: Is this worth fighting for or not? Whatever you normally do to calm yourself down will work: meditation, prayer, exercise, listening to opera. Turn off your phone. Take a night off and calm yourself down. Get a decent night’s sleep. Then if, as you have expressed, you are truly on your own here, ask yourself whether you have it in you to tackle this situation and get it turned around. If the answer is a hard no, there you have it.

If you do think you might have it in you, decide exactly what you are willing to do and for how long. The length of time matters; otherwise you will be stuck seeing the whole mess through to either success or failure, and who knows how long that will take. You’ll want to be at your best, and if you are overcome by your anger and frustration, you will need to find a way to park that or let it go.

Accepting the stark reality of the situation is the only way you will see what needs to be done. I am not saying your CEO isn’t to blame for your pain and suffering—I am saying putting a lot of energy into placing blame is not a good use of your time.

You might consider getting your CEO to agree, in writing, to a hefty bonus if you are able to turn things around. That might help you find the motivation to save the day.

Let’s say you put a stake in the ground and decide “Okay, I am going to give this my all for three months.” Then make a list of everything that needs doing. You are smart enough to know most of what needs to be done even if you don’t know how to do it. These things might include:

• Get help: call on a friend or mentor with business savvy for advice.
• Hire someone who knows what they are doing, or at the very least a consultant who can work on a contract basis.
• Make a plan of what to do and in what order.
• Delay anything that can be delayed.
• Tackle the big problems first and knock them down, one by one.

If this all makes you feel the kind of despair that makes you want to go to bed for the rest of your life, again you have your answer: either this has gone too far to fix or you just don’t care anymore.

Once you get all the emotion out of the way, it will be much easier to see the full reality and assess your willingness and ability to rise to the challenge.

At this point you are either thinking “I can do this” or “Run, don’t walk away from this mess.”

I wish you clarity, and the courage of your convictions.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of mostly young people, all of whom manage internal communications for a global manufacturing company. A few years ago the company went to an unlimited paid time off policy. I have read a lot about the effects of unlimited PTO, and note that the biggest risk is that people don’t take enough time off, whereas in the past they were required to take their PTO or risk losing it.

My general approach has been that if your work is done to the expected standard, taking PTO is fine. I guess it never occurred to me that anyone would take off more days than what I consider to be reasonable unless they had medical issues or were taking care of a family member. It also never occurred to me that my idea of reasonable is not necessarily what others may interpret as reasonable.

My problem is that I have one person who takes entirely too much time off. And it isn’t to deal with problems—she is off larking about with her friends. (Note: this is not my opinion; she shares openly.)

Her performance is excellent, so I can’t really make the case that she shouldn’t take PTO—except other team members are noticing and judging. She often is not available to discuss work assignments or to help others on the team when they need something from her.

I think she would be eminently promotable if it weren’t for the fact that she never seems to be around. How do I tell her that it just isn’t a good look? Her overuse of PTO is causing me, and others, to question her commitment to the job. Do you think that is fair?

Questioning Judgment

___________________________________________________

Dear Questioning Judgment,

Boy, isn’t this interesting? It highlights what happens when rules are open to interpretation and when we make assumptions.

My first thought is if Larking About can get her work done with plenty of time left over, she could be doing so much more if she buckled down and put some elbow grease into it. But I suspect that would be interpreted as old-school thinking. And we all know that the reward for excellent work is—more work.  This is how we have collectively created the hamster wheel we all perpetually bemoan. So my second thought is wow, Larking About might be on to something. My third thought, based on my experience that you never know what hard thing is coming at you, is that we should all save up as much goodwill as we can regarding PTO for when we really need it.

But seriously, as her manager, it is up to you to help LA understand the impact of her choices on her career, as well as the impression her choices are having on both her reputation and her options when it comes to optimal work assignments and advancement opportunities.

I imagine your employee handbook has some guidelines about how people should use “unlimited” paid time off. For example, my own company requires that all team members submit their time-off requests in advance to their manager for approval, collaborate with their team to ensure proper coverage, and limit their consecutive out-of-office days to no more than 15 at a time. It might be useful to find the handbook and see what is laid out in black and white that might support you when the time comes for a conversation.

Because that is where this is leading. A conversation. The first order of business is to find out what LA’s hopes and dreams are when it comes to her career. She may not think of her work as a career; she may simply think of it as a job. If that is the case, other than making sure she complies with whatever rules do exist, there may not be much you can do. LA may be just fine having a job and doing it well. No harm in that.

However, if LA does want a career, which would mean development projects and advancement, she needs to know how the intangibles—what I think of as “personal public relations”—are going to affect her future.

You can keep personal judgment out of it and simply share that perception is important and taking excessive PTO can create an impression of a lack of commitment to work. When it comes to advancement, it’s a fact that HR and leadership teams tend to favor those employees who exceed expectations over those who simply meet expectations. So if LA has ambitions to advance, she might consider taking on volunteer roles or more work for the team, which would limit her PTO and bring it in line with expectations. This, of course, would require you to define what you believe to be reasonable. I suspect what is reasonable in your mind is roughly the amount of vacation time that employees were afforded before you went to the new model. If your company does not provide guidelines, you might find some in this article: Paid Time Off Practices Around the World.

Do I think it is fair that LA’s behavior is causing others to question her commitment? It doesn’t matter what I think. That’s what is happening, fair or not. Perception is everything, and LA needs to understand that. Once she recognizes the impact of her choices (with your help), she can decide to change them. Or not. And she will reap the consequences of those choices.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently started a new job. I am super interested and engaged. I think I am doing well and my manager seems thrilled. People here think I’m much older than I am, and everyone assumes I have a bachelor’s degree. Only the HR recruiting person knows that all I have is a two-year associate degree—and it’s possible she didn’t notice because she didn’t say anything about it. The requirements on the job posting listed a BA or BS.

I am fine with this. I plan to go back and complete a four-year degree as soon as I can afford it. I live in terror of debt.

My questions are:

1. How concerned do I need to be about others finding out?
2. Should I tell people?

Worried

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Worried,

Short answers:

1. Not at all concerned. Stop worrying. Worrying is focusing on a future over which you have no control, and it just produces needless anxiety.
2. No.

Long answers:

This is absolutely nobody’s business except the hiring manager’s—and if she isn’t concerned, you shouldn’t be. If she simply missed it, it isn’t your responsibility to draw attention to it. Some might disagree with me on that, but I am just being pragmatic. If you weren’t equipped to do the job they gave you, it might change things—but that isn’t the case.

There is no reason for you to tell anyone; that’s just asking for gossip and drama, which you don’t need. I guess if someone asks you point blank (and really, why would they?) you can say what you studied. Just “I studied computer science,” or American history, or whatever it was.

Everyone has an opinion about this topic. Many have a chip on their shoulder because they slogged it out and accrued debilitating student debt to get their degree and now think everyone else should suffer. Attitudes about the value of a college degree are changing rapidly. Ultimately, opinions are simply that. They don’t need to mean anything to you.

I worked with a client who lied about her education on her resume and lived in perpetual fear of being found out. It was debilitating for her. She ended up going back to school and finishing her undergrad degree and went on to get a master’s degree. You didn’t lie and you have plenty of time, so relax.

Kudos to you for being careful about debt. I am finding it to be a chief cause of stress for people, and I encourage you to avoid it if you possibly can. That especially applies to credit card debt. Boy, does that burn my toast. Keep up your very wise vigilance!

The only other thing I might add is this: don’t wait too long to complete your bachelor’s degree if it is important to you. It is much easier to do before kids and a mortgage. Of course, if you aren’t planning on either of those, you have nothing but time.

I hope this sets your mind at ease.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is the Chief Revenue Officer for a billion-dollar, publicly traded company, and I am watching her melt down in real time. She has been in the job for two years and has made one spectacularly bad decision after another.

Sales have tanked to an all-time low. I know for a fact that the earnings reporting is…not accurate. The stock price is slipping.

On Zoom calls she is manic, erratic, often making bizarre proclamations. I watch the faces of my peers and to a person the eyes are wide, lips tight. But no one is saying anything.

I can’t understand why our CEO, whom everyone acknowledges is a genius, put her in the job to begin with or has tolerated performance that has gone steadily downhill. It makes no sense.

Things have just gotten so weird; I don’t know who I can get a reality check with. It feels like I am losing my mind. I have been with the company a long time, and it has always been on a healthy upward trajectory. The CEO never would have tolerated such poor performance in the past.

I have a lot of stock options as part of my comp, and I am thinking now would be a good time to vest, with the stock price so low. I get calls from headhunters all the time, and I am beginning to think I should take them. I would feel bad abandoning my team, all of whom I love and care for. I am so conflicted.

Should I Bail?

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Should I Bail?

It sounds like a topsy-turvy world. I think when people start behaving strangely, especially when the CEO is asleep at the wheel—either actively ignoring an obvious problem or, as you imply, is somehow misrepresenting the numbers—you must assume something shady is going on. If no one is pointing out that the proverbial Empress Has No Clothes but you see it clearly, I would say you should trust your own judgment.

I can’t tell you to leave your job but I can ask you this: If your best friend told you all of what you have told me, and you trusted his judgment, what advice would you give him? If your immediate answer is “are you kidding, get the heck out of there!” —well, there is your answer.

There is no harm in taking the calls from recruiters, exploring your options, and getting a sense of what opportunities are available out there. You can brush off your resume and update your LinkedIn profile to be poised and ready to exit if your instincts prove correct. The only person who is going to care about your career and financial stability at this point is you, so preparing is smart. I applaud your concern about your team; it would be painful to feel like you are letting people down. If you do bail, you must trust that they will take your lead, start looking for options, and all land on their feet.

I often ask successful people what their biggest mistake was, and fascinatingly, almost to a person, it is a variation on “I didn’t pay attention to my gut and went along when I knew I shouldn’t.” You have been with the company for long enough that you can tell when you are seeing things that don’t add up. If you are not habitually negative and think something is going terribly wrong, then you are probably right.

Good luck to you.

Love,

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

You have answered many questions about being a mentor—but as a young person in my first job, I wonder how I can find a mentor. How do I go about it? How do I know if someone is the right mentor for me? Once I find someone willing to mentor me, how do I go about being a good mentee?

Seeking a Mentor

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Seeking a Mentor,

Everyone I know who has a mentor or has had multiple mentors shares a few traits. They are ambitious and goal oriented, are curious about others, can be gregarious, and are comfortable asking for help. The fact that you are asking these questions now is a sign that you are on the right track.

Before you go searching for the right mentor, you will want to be clear on your career goals. They may change, and that’s okay. But in order to enlist support, you need to be able to articulate what you want support for. Whatever your goal is will inform the steps you need to take to reach it—and it is those steps that others can potentially help you with.

Maybe, say, you need to research the kinds of jobs that interest you. Reach out to people who have those jobs. Ask them to share what they like about the job, what they don’t like, and what they wish they had known when they were just starting out. This takes guts, and some people will turn you down. But you may be surprised at how many are eager to share their wisdom with you.

Maybe you need to build a specific skill set. You can ask around to see who is respected and admired for having that skill set. Then you can approach those folks to ask them how they got so good at those specific skills.

Almost everyone loves to be asked for advice—and they really love talking about themselves. Almost everyone will be delighted to spend some time with you answering smart questions. Listen carefully to what they say to ascertain what is important and interesting to them, then shape your questions along those lines.

Make sure you thank anyone who takes the time to speak with you. Take note of what they are interested in and stay in touch by sharing news tidbits, blogs, books, or websites that you think will appeal to them.

As you have conversations with more experienced people, you will eventually find one or two with whom you feel a genuine connection. These are the people you can ask to mentor you. Not everyone you ask will bite—it might not be a good time for them, or they may feel they are mentoring too many people. They will either decline or leave the door open for you to ask again in the future. Eventually, though, someone will be flattered and excited by the idea.

Once you do find someone who is willing to mentor you, you can co-create how you want the relationship to look. Perhaps your new mentor has had successful mentoring relationships and has strong ideas about what works well. Perhaps not. You can agree to start with a design and then tweak as you go. The key is for you to take 100% responsibility for driving the relationship, and for the two of you to have clear agreement. Pay special attention to these areas:

• Agree on a time frame: It is good to commit to a finite period of time. You may both agree to continue once you reach the end of it, but it gives you both an out if one is needed.
• Set specific goals for the time period: They may change, but having goals will give both of you a sense of the impact the mentoring is having.
• Have regular meetings: Start with some kind of regular framework for getting together, either over the phone or in person. You won’t both be able to make every meeting; that’s fine. But if you don’t have a schedule, months can whiz by with no input.
• Review progress: Every month or so, check in on how the partnership is going. Are you getting value? Is the mentor feeling good about everything? I was once completely ghosted by a mentee, and to this day have no idea why. It didn’t feel great.
• Make clear requests: It is okay to ask for what you want, and it is okay for your mentor to say no. They may offer something else or even something better that is easy for them. Be clear, flexible, and patient.
• Prepare: Be ready for your meetings by outlining actions you have taken, results you have produced, obstacles you need help to overcome, and questions that have cropped up since your last meeting. The more you prepare, the more value you will get out of whatever time you are granted. As a bonus, your mentor will feel that you are taking their time seriously and that their investment in you is wise.
• Express gratitude: Find ways to say thank you. A handwritten note or fun card is never bad, antiquated as that idea might be. A small gift of chocolate, a book, gourmet tea, flowers, or bourbon—depending on the tastes of your mentor—is always welcome. Gifts don’t need to be fancy or expensive, they just need to show that you are paying attention and that you have given it a little thought. You might also find ways to acknowledge your mentor to others when appropriate. If you do something your mentor suggested or helped you with and it gets attention from others, you can always give credit where credit is due.

Ken Blanchard wrote a book on this topic with Claire Diaz-Ortiz that will help you: check out One Minute Mentoring.

Best of luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am really worried that my company is going to replace my entire team of graphic artists with AI. What can I say to people who have spent decades to get really good at their craft only to see themselves replaced by technology?

I am literally losing sleep over this. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Losing Sleep

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Losing Sleep,

Boy, do I get it. I am old enough to remember seeing the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey in which the Heuristically Programmed Algorithmic computer (HAL) famously takes over the spaceship.  It made a huge impact on me.

Have you asked ChatGPT? I did, and the answer was pretty good! The first four suggestions were almost exactly what I might have proposed. What AI did not do is add the color commentary that I will.

1. Stay Informed – on this one, AI did not suggest, but I do, that you talk to your boss and listen to what is happening through the grapevine to gauge how realistic your concerns are. Are other jobs in the company being replaced by AI? Is there an overall intention and strategy to replace humans with AI? The more you know, the better you can prepare for what is coming.
2. Encourage Your People to Develop Their Skills – The people who can bring something to the table that AI cannot (yet) are the ones who will keep their jobs. With graphic design in particular, I would imagine that those individuals who can ask the right questions and hone in on exactly the feel that is desired will be irreplaceable. The ability to create fresh, new, and original work will be valued.
3. Foster Continuous Learning – Identify things that only humans can do and help people find ways to get better at them. Problem solving and devising new ways to express things will be in demand.
4. Cultivate a Practice of Flexibility and Adaptability – In our industry, we have often expressed the constant change people have to deal with as “the cheese has moved,” based on Spencer Johnson’s book Who Moved My Cheese. The pace of change has been a challenge for the last couple of decades, and it appears that it is only speeding up. Those who can find a way to build their resilience and roll with change will have a much higher quality of life. The question, of course, is how?

Neuroscience research shows that the brain is a predication machine and is much more comfortable with certainty. However, experience shows that nothing is ever certain, so we can predict all we want but we can’t ever be sure what is going to happen next. The best advice I ever heard on this topic came from Ben Zander, the co-author of The Art of Possibility.  Best known for being a charismatic and brilliant conductor, he is also a wonderful and very entertaining speaker. Ben suggested that instead of giving into our impulse to panic when the unexpected pops up, we should stop, take a breath, observe, and say to ourselves “how fascinating!” Essentially, he encourages us to be curious—to engage in whatever is happening with an attitude of inquiry.

So. Losing sleep is not going to help you now. Read up. Talk to people in your company. Listen to podcasts. Get informed. Get curious, stay curious, and encourage curiosity in your people. They are artists, so by definition they must be creative. You might lead with the question “What can we create in this new paradigm?”

I am going to try to follow this advice myself, believe me.  And I will admit the whole thing scares me too. I’ve spent the last twenty years getting better at writing only to find that nobody reads anymore. There are some who are concerned that my entire industry might be replaced by AI.

I really think the only way to deal with today’s world is to keep growing, learning, and changing ourselves. It isn’t comfortable for most of us, and it isn’t easy. As a leader, you can choose to be a role model for your people.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine, 

What advice can you provide about how one can develop more confidence as an aspiring leader? 

Aspiring 

_____________________________________________________________________ 

Dear Aspiring, 

This is such a great question. I have been thinking about it all week. The answer could be an entire book—and, in fact, there are countless books on the topic. But of all the good advice out there, what to cherry pick?

Probably the biggest thing to remember is that becoming a great leader is synonymous with becoming the best possible version of yourself. It will be a lifelong quest. There is no finish line, because the approaches and details will change as you grow. You will take on more responsibility and face new challenges that will test whatever certainty you think you have acquired.

Being a leader is mostly lonely, always difficult, and usually thankless. For all the people who appreciate your efforts, you will have double that number thinking they could do a better job than you. That is just the way it is. And it is a worthy pursuit. 

Here are some ideas for you: 

Learn from past experience. Ask yourself how you have built confidence the past when trying something new. You will notice a pattern of trying and failing, learning from mistakes, and trying again. For example, think about when you learned to drive. You started slow and small because mistakes when driving a car can be catastrophic. So, to start with, choose small challenges that won’t tank the whole enterprise if mistakes are made. The more you can develop a growth mindset, stay curious, and recognize that you are on a journey of discovery, the better off you will be.

Make a study of leadership models and theories. Build a library for yourself. It is amazing what you can find used online that won’t break the bank. You might start with Level 5 Leadership from Jim Collins’s book Good to Great—but there are plenty to choose from, including Transformational Leadership (Burns), Servant Leadership (Greenleaf), the Five Practices of Exemplary Leadership® (Kouzes and Posner), The Social Change Model of Leadership, the Relational Leadership Model (Komives, Lucas, and McMahon), the Connective Leadership Model (Lipman and Blumen), Conscious Leadership – my current passion – (Dethmer, Chapman & Klemp), and, of course, SLII® (Blanchard).

One of the finest resources that outlines leadership competencies and how to build them is a book titled FYI—For Your Improvement. It is based on the work of Eichinger and Lombardo that is now known as the Korn Ferry Leadership Architect. The newest version is expensive but you can find earlier versions at a much lower price. It is invaluable. It goes on and on; but with a little Googling, you can find them all and just dig in.

Sign up for any and all training your company offers. Take notes and commit to trying things that make sense to you. If and when you feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount there is to learn, keep this past article of mine, “Overwhelmed with Leadership Training Content?”, handy. 

Define what leadership means to you. What are your attitudes and beliefs about leadership? What do you think is most important for a leader to be and do? We call this process of articulating your leadership values and expectations your Leadership Point of View. Creating one is a big job, and I can assure you it will be a work in progress as long as you lead people. But now is a good time to start. Think about the best and worst leaders you have had and make a list of what they did that you might choose to replicate or avoid. To learn more about this, listen to an interview with leadership expert Pat Zigarmi. 

Build self-awareness. Because becoming a great leader means becoming the best version of your authentic self, you must understand yourself. Well. What are you naturally good at? What are your frailties? What can you get better at that won’t require a personality transplant? How will you need to practice self-regulation to protect yourself and others from your weaknesses? Become a feedback junkie—ask for and listen to feedback, all the while asking yourself What if this were true? Remember, also, that feedback always says as much or more about the person giving it than it does about you. Therefore, all feedback is useful, if only to help you understand how you are perceived and experienced by others. The more you are able to understand what people say about you, learn from it, and take what is useful and what isn’t without taking it personally, the more you will thrive. If you succumb to taking anything personally, your confidence will be impacted.

Have compassion for yourself. You will make mistakes. It is the only way to learn. Share what you are learning with your team, ask them to forgive you, and explain how you will strive to be better. Ken Blanchard always says “Leadership is something you do with people, not to people.” So the more you can partner with people to be a leader whom others choose to follow, the more effective you will be. 

I am often asked if I think leaders are born or made. And my answer is always “Both.” You have clearly heard the call to serve as a leader, which is always the first step. If you end up being a great leader, it won’t be because of luck. It will be because of lots of hard work, research, trial and error, and self-reflection. There is ultimately no one right way to do it. There is a lot of guidance, but you will have to craft your own way. 

Cheers to you as you embark on your leadership journey. It will be fraught with danger, filled with learning, and, ultimately, if you don’t let yourself be discouraged, extremely rewarding.

Love, Madeleine 

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an executive leader for a giant global organization. Last week, massive layoffs were announced. I have a team of twelve direct reports with hundreds of people reporting up to them. I don’t know every person, but I know a lot of them.

Layoffs are going to be devastating for these people. There is a hush now when I come into the office. The sidelong glances, checking to see if I know something, are awful. I’m not even sure if I will have a job at the end of all of this.

What can I do to keep myself on an even keel? And how can I help people soldier on until the ax drops?

I have heard about this kind of thing, but have never experienced it myself.

Waiting for the Ax

____________________________________________________________

Dear Waiting for the Ax,

I am sorry. This is one of the great pain points that goes with working in large organizations. The neuroscience research shows that our brains hate uncertainty and function less well in the face of it.

An organization that chooses to announce massive layoffs with absolutely no other information and plans to help leaders manage the process verges on irresponsibility. Sometimes there is a CHRO who works very hard to manage the emotional fallout of massive layoffs. More often, though, managers are on their own. It sounds like you are one of them—unless, of course, you can get some insights and/or direction from your boss, who is alarmingly absent from your scenario. That would be your first stop for help unless you already know there is no help to be found there. I hate how common this is.

You must take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. If there is anything you can do to make that happen, now is the time. Get exercise, eat properly, get some sleep, meditate. If it will make you feel better, update your LinkedIn and get started on an updated resume. Maybe get in touch with former colleagues and other members of your professional network in case you will be job hunting soon. Get support from family and friends.

In the absence of information, all you can do is try to make things as comfortable as possible. Pull your team together and surface all of their concerns, so at least people are talking and not just exchanging sidelong looks. You don’t want the conversation to devolve into a complaint session, but it will help people to have a safe place to vent. You can set up the discussion by requesting that no one share rumors, but simply share what they are feeling.

You can always re-direct with questions such as:

• What can you do to stay focused in the face of this uncertainty?
• What can I or another team member do to help you right now?
• How can we stay focused on what is working right now?
• Who is doing something that is helping them feel resilient that they can share with the group?

Let your people know what you know and what you don’t know and assure them that you will share any intel you get as soon as you get it. Encourage them to take care of themselves as much as they can. Give clear direction on what they need to stay focused on in order to keep moving toward team goals. Don’t let anyone get caught up in panicked overperforming because they think it might save their jobs. That will just add fuel to the fire.

Breathe. Tell your people to breathe.

Remember, you are intelligent and capable and you will be okay. Remind your people they are intelligent and capable and they will be okay.

Stay calm because it will help your people stay calm. Come what may.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have had uncanny success in my company. I am extremely competitive and incredibly focused, and I work really hard because I live in fear of disappointing my boss or my customers.

Now my boss wants to put me in charge of a whole region—to open an office with about 75 people reporting to me. I have never managed people before, and my boss is asking me to lead all of these people. I am paralyzed with terror. I don’t even know much about the job. I keep asking my boss for some direction and he seems to expect me to just do it.

What is leadership, really? I generally don’t take things on if I don’t see how I can win, but I either have to step up to this challenge or start looking for another job.

Help!

Paralyzed

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Paralyzed,

Generally, I think there are two kinds of people: people who work their way up to being leaders and people who unwittingly become leaders without thinking much of it. You, clearly, are neither. You are being thrown into the deep end with your eyes wide open. The good news is that you are smart enough to be scared, which is entirely appropriate.

Speaking from experience, I can attest that leading and managing people is thankless, impossible, exhausting, and the most worthwhile challenge there is. It is a little like being a parent in that there is no one who can tell you how to do it. You kind of have to figure it out as you go. Being great at it will depend on your leveraging your superpowers and your strengths and finding ways to manage your weaknesses and human frailties.

Your boss is making a commonplace assumption. He is assuming that because you are a rock star individual contributor, you will be a rock star manager and leader. That is almost never true—and is, frankly, why our company has a thriving business. Anything that isn’t going well in a company is because of leadership. That is one of the few things I know for sure.

Your biggest initial challenge, I suspect, will be shifting from being a star performer to creating, developing and supporting star performers. Until now, your work has been all about you: your drive to compete, ability to focus, and work ethic. You will have to withstand a fair amount of discomfort and practice as you shift to making your work all about others. Who am I kidding? It will be a lot of discomfort. Just getting your head wrapped around that shift will be monumental.

The most important thing you can do right now is, first, breathe and slow down. Then put on your beginner’s mind, adopt a growth mindset, and make a commitment to becoming a student of leadership. This will help you to be patient and kind with yourself and it will keep you engaged over the long haul. And it will be a long haul, my friend, because in rising to this challenge, you are signing up for a lifelong quest.

I looked on Amazon and there are 60,000 books available on leadership and 10,000 on management. My father-in-law, Ken Blanchard, coauthored 65 of them. So I can’t exactly recommend the #1 book you need, but here is what I can do: I can point you to some eBooks and book summaries to get you started.

•  A book summary of Ken’s newest: The Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust
• A book summary of Leading at a Higher Level; Blanchard on Leadership and Creating High Performing Organizations
• An Ebook: Taking a Situational Approach to Management
• A white paper: The Leadership-Profit Chain

Once you get into our resources site, you will find a treasure trove of simple—but not simplistic— guidance.

One of the most valuable insights in the Leadership-Profit Chain white paper is the distinction between strategic leadership and operational leadership. This is critical because it gives you a way to think about this massive topic in small bites, so it doesn’t feel like a tidal wave coming at you. It also helps (me, at least) break down the differences between leadership and management; terms most people use interchangeably. Some definitions that might be helpful:

• Strategic Leadership defines the imperatives for everyone in the organization. It is the what that provides the key relationships and metrics needed to ensure all units follow the same strategy. Strategies must then identify the criteria that are the key determinants of behavior. Examples of strategic leadership include vision, culture, and the declaration of strategic imperatives.
• Operational Leadership practices provide the how in the organization. They enable departments and employees to understand how they specifically contribute to organizational success. They are the procedures and policies that clarify how each unit will achieve the overall strategy.

So the act of simply breaking down the job at hand to the what and the how is a good place to start.

People can be both great leaders and poor managers—I’m sure you have seen this. You might even see this in your own boss, who has given you the what with no how. Managers can be very good at creating processes and systems and tracking accountability and compliance without being great leaders. In the end, I think your goal must be to be decent at both leading and managing, because that is what will win you hearts and minds.

Ultimately, leaders are people whom others choose to follow. They are people whom others look to for setting the direction, the stage, and the tone, and for keeping the train on the track and running on time. They have a compelling vision for what is possible that inspires people. They are role models for the behaviors they are looking for in their people—“do as I do,” which is much more motivating than “do as I say.” This is what’s meant by building culture.

Managers make sure their people understand what is expected of them and also have what they need to do a good job: role clarity, time, equipment, access, and opportunity to use their strengths.

When an individual is competent at both leadership and management, it vastly increases the chances their people will have a positive experience at work and will bring their best selves to the task at hand.

Great leaders and managers understand that their job is getting things done with and through others. Consultant Stan Slap, who is brilliant and notoriously irreverent, once said “Most visionary leaders have no patience for bringing people alongside them. If they could get where they need to go by themselves, they absolutely would, and send post card saying, ‘wish you were here.’” It is true. It takes an astonishing amount of care, patience, generosity, and repetition to bring people along with you.

My recommendation is that you do some research and create a scorecard for yourself of all the things you think you can do now, leaving some space to add things as you go along. For someone who is competitive and has a strong drive to win, a scorecard can be comforting.

You may decide you hate leadership. But you may find you were born for it. Either way, you’ll never know until you try, right? And the good news for someone competitive is that there is always room for growth and improvement; always something to work on. I guarantee you will never be bored.

I am excited for you, and wish you well.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a couple of questions about networking that I was hoping you could help me with. I am pretty good at walking up to people and networking with them these days. I also message people on LinkedIn asking for chats.

But I struggle to turn network connections into something deeper and more long lasting. For example, how do I ask someone out for lunch so that we can get to know more about each other? How do I turn a professional connection that I just made into a more personal connection?

I read Bob Iger’s book The Ride of a Lifetime and I am a huge fan of the relationship between him and Steve Jobs. Do you have suggestions on how to make network connections like that?

Thanks,

Networking Newbie

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Networking Newbie,

I love this question so much. Thank you! You are asking about something that seems to be a great mystery to most people. Certainly, my own connections on LinkedIn need to hear the answer.

I had to immediately get Bob Iger’s book and read it, so thanks for that, too!

The very short answer is that to develop relationships you have to get extremely interested in people. And it wouldn’t hurt to be interesting yourself. This isn’t as hard as it sounds—all it means is knowing what your interests are and being serious about pursuing them.

Let me explain. Bob Iger and Steve Jobs ended up with an amazing relationship because they respected each other and were interested in a lot of the same things. They ended up finding ways to work together that mutually benefitted both parties, and they helped each other achieve their goals.

Each individual knew who he was, what was important to him, and what was his goals were. So your first step is to decide those things for yourself. Who are you? What do you love? What is important to you? What are your goals? What do you have to share that can benefit others? These are huge questions that will probably take you a little while to answer. Okay—a lifetime, probably. But you can make a good start.

Let’s start with the easiest one, maybe—your goals. When you know what your goals are, you can make an action plan by creating milestones and action steps. Then you can ask people for advice or for specific help.

People love to give advice. (Hello! I love it so much that I write an advice column!) But seriously, they do. Find people who do jobs you want to do, ask them for 15 minutes on the phone, and send them questions you want them to answer. Make the questions interesting and fun, such as: How did you know you wanted to be ______ (fill in the blank)? What is the biggest obstacle you have ever had to overcome? What one thing do wish you had known when you started out? My son did this with heavy hitters in his industry and got tons of takers for calls and three coffee dates.

People also love to help people but they often don’t have a clear way to do so. Having clear goals gives you an opportunity to ask for very specific kinds of help. You may recall in Bob Iger’s book that his dad asked his roommate in the hospital, who was bragging about what a big deal he was at a TV network, if he could get his son a job interview. He sensed that the guy saw himself as a big shot and was eager to show off how true that was. Bob got a job interview, and it was the start of his career in network TV.

Who do you need to meet? Ask your network if anyone knows that person and can make an introduction. What do you want to know more about?  Find people in your network who can teach you something. I was recently at a family reunion and one of my husband’s cousins tracked me down and asked for my salad dressing recipe. I couldn’t have been happier to share, and now we have a bond.

Back when I was an actress, I learned about the power of having a clear goal. I was a member of a great organization called The Actors Information Project, which taught actors to act more like responsible business people. They made us set clear goals beyond just please, God, help me get a job. My goal was to be in a Sondheim musical on Broadway. I told everyone I met that that was my goal. Sure enough, a total stranger I met at a party was a friend of a woman who was casting A Little Night Music. When I said I would die and go to heaven to have a shot at the role of Petra the maid, he agreed it would be a great role for me and said he would be willing to pass on my picture and resume. If I had just said I was an actress looking for work, it wouldn’t have been compelling and he wouldn’t have known how to help me. My agent had also submitted me—but when the casting director got my resume from her friend, I did get an audition (and a call back, not to brag). The whole production was scrapped and I can’t remember why, but you get my point. Also, I kept the guy who helped me in the loop and sent him a thank-you note.

You don’t just want success, you want specific success. That’s how people find a handle on how they can help you. Don’t worry about missing out by being too specific. The specificity gets things going, and then opportunities come that might not be exactly what you wanted—often they are even better.

What do you care about? For example, I connect with people about food and novels, both things I am passionate about. I have buddies online with whom I discuss recipes and the latest book by Geraldine Brooks or Isabel Allende. Whatever it is, find small points of connection on which you can build. On LinkedIn, post questions people are going to want to respond to because they are interested in the topic, such as What is the best book on networking? (I can answer that one—I highly recommend you read everything by the expert on the topic: Keith Ferrazzi. His biggest hit was Never Eat Alone. He will expand on everything I am saying here.) Or What is the worst thing a boss can do to an employee? Or What is your favorite app? Or What is the absolute best hiking boot? Or Does anyone know anyone who works at Patagonia?

I am just throwing out ideas here; you will, of course, have to tailor your questions to your interests. This will help you find people with common interests. You can start conversations online and then maybe move to a phone or Zoom call.

This brings me to more straightforward ideas like either finding Meetup groups of people who love what you love, or starting one yourself. And most cities have actual networking groups where they only accept one person in a given industry or business. The deal is that they all send each other business. That might be more appropriate for someone who is an entrepreneur. There are also lots of Mastermind groups for people who share professional interests—always a great source of real connection.

As you review your connections online, do some research on the people who interest you so it appears that you care about them. Think about what you know that is worth sharing with others, and answer other people’s questions. This will help you find people who might be able to add value to you, as you do the same for them. I find that people who locate me on social media don’t bother doing any research at all and try to sell me things I am not remotely interested in. For example, my job title is Chief Coaching Officer, I have been in the coaching industry for 33 years, and people try to sell me coach training. That is just lazy. But if someone sent me a compelling question about coaching, I might be inclined to respond. (Maybe not, because I just don’t spend enough time on social media, but I suspect that is generational.)

The other thing to think about is staying in close touch with anyone you do meet with whom you have some kind of connection. Send funny memes you think they might like, share book recommendations, or ask for their opinion on the latest Netflix series. Anything that makes sense. I interview high school kids who are applying to my alma mater and I am always a little surprised that none of them bother to stay in touch. They fail to realize that I might be able to make an introduction for them when they are looking for their first job.

A bit of a firehose, I know. But, I did say I loved the question, and I hope this gives you a place to start.

Let me know how it goes!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I get no feedback.

I like my job, my boss, the team I work with, and my company. At every annual review I write my own review first and my manager adds her two cents, always pointing out ways I contribute that I hadn’t thought about or had forgotten. So I do get feedback, and it is always positive, which is nice.

I realize this sounds crazy, but I want more constructive feedback so I can grow and get better. I guess I want to be more challenged.

How can I go about getting more feedback without seeming dissatisfied?

Wanting More

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Wanting More,

You don’t sound crazy. You sound lucky. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate your position, because it is a rare one: Your boss obviously thinks you are great and is totally happy with the job you are doing.

And—I get it. It sounds like you might be a little bored.

I think your first stop is your boss. Tell her you are looking for a challenge and you either want to get better at the job you are doing or maybe take on something new. You can be crystal clear that you aren’t unhappy or dissatisfied, just wanting to shake things up a little. The ideal time for this is at your annual review; but if that seems too far away, you can ask for a meeting. I am surprised your manager hasn’t checked in with you about your dreams, your job satisfaction, your career aspirations.

Another thought is to ask your colleagues, teammates, and internal and (if applicable) external customers for feedback to see if there is anything you could do that would make working with you easier. You could simply ask:

• Is there anything you wish I would start or stop doing?
• Is there anything you wish I did more or less of?
• Is there anything you think I should know that could make me more effective or help me add more value?

You never know what you might find out.

I guess it is always possible that there is something you do that stops people from offering suggestions or developmental feedback. Is it possible that in the past you have become defensive? Only you can know the answer to that, and it will serve you to admit the truth to yourself. If you think this might be the case, make sure you go into asking for feedback with an open mind. It takes some grace to accept feedback that might be a surprise or feel personal.

Prepare to respond to anything you hear with one of three options:

• Thank you.
• I understand.
• Tell me more.

This will ensure that people who have the courage to tell you something they think you need to hear will feel heard and won’t feel punished for going out on a limb.

There is also a big difference between seeking/hearing feedback and making a decision to actually do something with it. One way of rewarding people for giving you feedback is to loop back with them and let them know what you are doing with their advice. If you choose not to do anything, you can just tuck it away for future reference.

Remember also that feedback always says more about the person giving it than the person getting it. So write everything down. Give yourself some space and time to absorb, process, and decide what is going to make a difference to your success and what isn’t. Resolve to take nothing personally.

You might be opening a can of worms here, so you will want to be prepared for that. Or maybe you are like Mary Poppins—“practically perfect in every way”—wouldn’t that be grand? If that is the case, your next step will be to figure out if you are, in fact, bored and what goals you might set next to create your next challenge.

Thanks for asking such a surprising question.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I want to be a rock star at my job. I have always been driven and ambitious—but now, a few years into a professional job after college and grad school, I find myself a bit at sea. I work in a big company and I love what I do.

Here’s the problem. My boss checks “meets expectations” on all counts at my regular performance reviews. I want to get “exceeds expectations” on all counts, but I can’t get to the bottom of what that means. I see myself as getting to VP level quickly and having a shot at C-Level, but unless I can understand what that actually takes, I can’t make a plan.

Thoughts?

Want to Be a Rock Star

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Want to Be a Rock Star,

What a great question this is. I have often wondered the same thing, mainly because it seems like a mystery to everyone.

Ultimately, the only person whose opinion you really need on this topic is your boss’s. So first, I suggest you interview your boss and find out what “exceeds expectations” means to them. You don’t want to go out and do a bunch of extra stuff that’s not the right stuff or that causes static in their world.

I do think the reason this is such a mystery is because most bosses don’t know what their expectations actually are, let alone what it might mean for someone to exceed them. So don’t be surprised if asking your boss doesn’t shed much light—they may not know what “exceeds expectations” looks like until they see it.

Some questions to ask your boss might be:

• Have you ever had a direct report who consistently exceeded expectations? If yes, what did they do that made them stand out?
• Is there any way I don’t live up to your expectations? Have I ever failed to live up to expectations in the past and wasn’t told?
• What exactly would it take for me to exceed expectations in these different areas?

I spent a week asking all of the senior executives I know what it means to them when a team member exceeds expectations. Here is a synthesis of what I heard:

Generally, an employee who exceeds expectations:

• Shows up to 1×1’s prepared to discuss all tasks and goals with clear requests for direction, re-direction, ideas, requests for resources. They show respect for their manager’s time by having thought in advance about what they want or need.
• Thinks things through—when they run into an obstacle, they troubleshoot and come up with ideas for possible solutions rather than just presenting the manager with a problem to solve.
• Never complains, never makes excuses—if something isn’t working or they can’t complete a task, they surface the situation matter-of-factly and share ideas about what they might need to get back on track.
• Does what they say they are going to do without being reminded.
• Meets deadlines and doesn’t procrastinate. When a big, high-stakes project is approaching deadline, they get their work done as far as they can and present it to the manager and others for input and feedback with plenty of time to iterate and make changes so the final product is next level.
• Submits work that has been proofed. They take the time to review their work for errors or inconsistencies. This doesn’t mean they never make mistakes, it means any errors they make are from lack of experience or knowledge, not from turning in sloppy work that was rushed through.
• Pays attention to what is going on around them and connects the dots in the event it isn’t obvious.
• Goes out of their way to support coworkers, spends time helping new people, volunteers for tasks that aren’t necessarily part of their job but that make a contribution to the team. For example, one person shared: “when our organization rolled out a new software system we all hated, one of my people spent time over the weekend watching tutorials on YouTube and then shared a bunch of tips, tricks, and shortcuts with the whole team at our next staff meeting. That was above and beyond. Everyone else, including me, just whined about how unintuitive the platform was. She made all of us pull up our socks and get on with it.”
• Figures out where to go to get things done. They take the time to look at the organization around them, what people’s job roles are, and what matters to them. They go out of their way to create relationships with all types of people and make the effort to understand what they do. If they don’t know how to do something, they tap their network until they find someone who does.
• This seems obvious, but they are always on time, always ready to work, always on camera, bright and shiny. It isn’t that they don’t have bad days. Everyone does. They just don’t let a bad day get in the way of getting the job done.

One person put it succinctly: “They have high attention to detail, and they get things done on time without fuss.” Anything you can do that will make your boss’s job easier is always a good idea—taking on extra projects, going the extra mile, submitting excellent work that doesn’t need extensive revisions.

Finally, keep careful track of what you do. There is always a good chance your boss will forget the times you went above and beyond. When the time comes, submit an accurate, detailed record of everything so your boss will have no choice but to give you the highest possible rating. Anytime a direct report does this, I am always a little astonished at everything they have done; especially when they are the kind of person who makes it look easy.

These ideas should get you on your way. In terms of your ambition to get to the very top, I will tell you that becoming an expert at anything you do will help. Be disciplined about never complaining or gossiping about people. Also, creating and nurturing a wide and deep network of diverse relationships will always help, never hurt.

Rock on, my dear. I have a feeling you will get where you want to go!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have always really liked my job even though the workload is oversized and the hours are long. I provide expert advice and coaching around diet and weight management in a community medical clinic. I have a master’s degree in nutrition and am a registered dietitian. We are government funded and located in an under-resourced community so I know I am providing a much-needed service, which makes me feel good.

About nine months ago I got a new boss. Her voice is weirdly high pitched and grating and all she does is find fault, but I thought I would give her a chance. To be fair, under my last boss (who was super nice) things weren’t very well run, so I thought it would be good to get a fresh perspective.

I have very high professional standards. I am always up on the latest research, always on time, and go the extra mile. I have taken classes that I have paid for myself to get better at communicating. (People get defensive about health and weight—it is a tricky topic.) I complete all of my paperwork on time and have never had a complaint.

My new boss criticizes everything I do and seems to try to make me feel terrible in small and large ways. If I arrive early or work late, she says something like “well, I guess you have no life.” If I help a patient apply for extra services (which they always need), she dings me for putting extra pressure on the system or hogging resources.

She comments on my looks, my clothes, and the age of my car. I am always neat and clean and have tried to always look professional but not overdo it. (This isn’t hard—I have no discretionary cash in this job and am a single mom of two.) I know I am petite and have been told I’m pretty. She calls me a “beauty queen” if I wear a little bit of a heel, and a “preppie” if I wear a button-down shirt.

I find myself second-guessing my perfectly reasonable work clothes and feeling panicky when I get dressed in the morning. It feels personal—except she pretty much does the same thing to everyone else.

I have tried asking her if she is unsatisfied with my work and how I might improve, to which she replies that I am too needy for always seeking positive feedback. I wish I were the kind of person who could draw a boundary, but the way she behaves is so erratic, and sometimes outlandish, that the only thing I can think of to say is “leave me alone!”

I am shy, introverted, and would pretty much rather die than confront anyone. I live in a state of dread and I hate going to work now. This bullying combined with the low pay and long hours is making me think it isn’t worth it. I am at a loss. Is it me? Help!

Dread Going to Work

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dread Going to Work,

Yuck. What a bummer. I can feel your dread.

One has to wonder, does your new boss want you to quit? Or is she simply oblivious to how her petty, nasty, mean-spirited way of going about her day affects people? She is probably one of those people who tells their children they are stupid, bad, and ugly. In my years living in New York City and riding the subway everywhere, I was astonished at the way people talked to each other and corrected their kids. One can only assume she was raised in a family of people for whom it was normal to belittle and criticize.

It is possible she is tough and thinks she is funny, and what feel like jabs to you are her idea of relating. I actually know someone—a smart, competent guy who runs his own business—and his way of connecting to his employees is to walk around flicking them on the arm, on the back, on their heads. I really do mean flicking, as in he uses his thumb as resistance to propel his index finger to produce a sharp little tap. He told me that is how he connects to his people at work!

My point here is that you just can’t really know what people are thinking unless you raise the issue. It’ll be hard, but I encourage you to draw a boundary. To do that, you would have to think through all of the things she does that are out of bounds and prepare for the next time she pokes you verbally. Practice saying things out loud so you are ready. Examples might be:

• Please don’t comment on the way I dress, it makes me feel self-conscious.
• Please don’t tease me about my car, it runs well, and a new one isn’t in the budget.
• It is my understanding that part of my job is to help patients access the resources they need. If that isn’t the case, please help me understand how the policy has changed.
• Please don’t speak to me that way.

Of course, when you feel ready for anything she might do, she will probably do something unexpected—or she might just pile on the meanness. So this may not be your best option.  

You might think about escalating. Maybe chat with your co-workers and bring a formal complaint as a group to your boss’s boss. Best case scenario, she hears the feedback and tries to improve or gets fired. Worst case scenario, she gets a reprimand and then comes back and is way worse.

If you really feel that you can’t take it anymore, and you don’t feel you have it in you to defend yourself, your next option is to get out. With your qualifications, I’ll bet you could get a job coaching for one of the many online weight loss/wellness companies that are popping up like crazy. And they all need qualified professionals. All the coaches work from home, so you wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear or anyone paying attention to your car. It’s a thought. There are also, I’m sure, many other clinics where you might do the kind of work you are doing now. It does sound like you get a great deal of satisfaction helping the underserved who so need your care.

I think dread, like many of the uncomfortable feelings, is a great gift in that it tells you something or someone is more awful than you have admitted to yourself. So your facing this situation head-on is a good first step. Now you are going to have to decide just what you will do to take care of yourself.

You wouldn’t be the first person to leave a job because of a hideous boss. It happens all the time. You can tell who the worst bosses are because they are always complaining about how hard it is to keep good employees.

It is up to you, DGtW. It sounds to me like there may be a really nice boss out there who will feel lucky to have you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My company has recently started offering coaching to all managers at my level. It is optional. I have read what our HR department has posted about it, but they didn’t give much information.

I always thought coaching was for underperformers, but that isn’t how they are selling it. What would I work on with a coach? How would it benefit me? It seems to take a lot of time, which isn’t something I have much of. Maybe you can share some insight?

Coach or No Coach?

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Coach or No Coach,

Well, this is right up my alley, so thanks for that. I think it might be easiest to break the whole thing down into a few points:

• What is coaching
• Why work with a coach
• How to get the most out of coaching
• Questions to ask your HR department about coaching

What Is Coaching

Ask ten people what coaching is and you will get ten different answers. That might explain why your HR department is having trouble expressing the value of it. The International Coaching Federation (ICF—the largest, though not only, global professional association for coaches) defines coaching as:

 “Partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. The process of coaching often unlocks previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity and leadership.”

In our book, Coaching in Organizations, Linda Miller and I defined coaching this way:

“Coaching is a deliberate process using focused conversations to create an environment for individual growth, purposeful action, and sustained improvement. Coaching is a one-on-one process and a relationship between an individual and a coach, with specific objectives and goals focused on developing potential, improving relationships, and enhancing performance. Coaching uses a formalized yet personalized approach that integrates proven techniques for change with behavioral knowledge and hands-on practice. Coaching breaks down barriers to help achieve greater levels of accomplishment. It is a process of self-leadership that enables people to gain clarity about who they are, what they are doing, and why they are doing it.

“The one-on-one coaching relationship is used to:

• Unlock an individual’s potential and maximize his or her performance
• Challenge and aid individuals in taking effective action
• Lead individuals to an understanding of the essence of themselves (their character) to achieve satisfaction”

Professional coaches who work in organizations like yours tend to have a lot of experience working in companies, both as former employees and as coaches. They are adept at dealing with the predictable issues people have at work, which include:

• Managing complexity and multiple priorities
• Time, task, and meeting management
• Leading, managing, and developing others
• Career planning
• Leveraging strengths and mitigating weaknesses
• Developing a growth mindset
• Setting boundaries and creating habits that will ensure personal sustainability and avoid burnout
• Polishing interpersonal communications, managing political situations
• Developing and nurturing a network of relationships

Why Work with a Coach

Coaches can do good work only when clients are ready, willing, and able to devote a little extra time and brain space to their own growth. Coaching isn’t the right thing for everyone, all of the time. It would be a great time to work with a coach if you:

• want to be a better employee
• want to be a more effective manager
• have big career goals but aren’t making the kind of progress you’d like
• want to be more creative, assertive, or organized
• know you could develop more effective work habits
• want more time and space to reflect
• fantasize about having more of a life outside of work
• are frankly dissatisfied with your work life in any way

Many people I have worked with come back for a little while when they get a huge promotion, run into a difficult situation, or need to make a big decision. Working with a good coach will leave you with the ability to self-coach in the future.

Just for the record: it is important to distinguish that coaching isn’t consulting (although the coach might fill knowledge gaps when needed), counseling, or therapy. If you feel you might be struggling with depression, anxiety, or past trauma that is interfering with your ability to be at your best, coaching is not the right professional intervention.

If you feel like everything is absolutely perfect at work, you love everything about your life, and you wouldn’t change a thing, well, good on you! Now is probably not the best time to avail yourself of the opportunity to work with a coach.

Get the Most Out of Coaching

If you decide to go ahead with working with a coach, they will probably tell you this—but I will tell you anyway. You really will want to show up fully, with a beginner’s mind and a growth mindset. This can be defined as: “[when] people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.” Dweck, 2015

You will want to:

• Schedule your appointments, keep your appointments, and protect your coaching time from intrusions.
• Work with your coach to set crystal clear, attainable goals for the coaching. Ask yourself: How will I know the coaching was a success? It is great to really like or even love your coach, but you still want to have something concrete to show for the investment.
• Ask questions. Share any of your doubts, concerns and impressions with your coach.
• Remember that you are the client. Ask for what you want. Tell your coach how to best serve you. If your coach isn’t asking enough questions, is talking too much or too fast, or is doing something that annoys you, tell them immediately! Think of it as designing an alliance with the sole purpose of serving you.
• Be willing to stretch in your commitments throughout your coaching sessions. You know you will have a safe place to process the experience and learn from it.
• Only commit to actions you are sure you will be able to follow through on. Start small and build, rather than shoot for the moon and feel disappointed.
• Be willing to share with colleagues your experience with being coached. The best way to internalize and integrate what you are learning is to talk about it and teach it to others if possible.

Questions to Ask

You will want to ask your HR department some basic questions like:

• Is the coaching confidential? (It should be; however, in most cases, as agents of the organization the coach is obligated to report on things that are out of compliance with company policy, such as sexual harassment, theft, or ethical breaches.)
• What will you, the organization, want to know about what goes on between me and my coach?
• Will I be able to choose my coach? Are all the available coaches certified?
• What if I don’t click with my coach?
• What if I want to keep working with my coach once the contracted time is up?

This should give you a place to start. I know that your time is a precious resource and it can be hard to imagine how making one more commitment will improve things. You might think about simply testing it out. Try doing an intro program for three months. Any decent coach will provide incalculable value from the word go, so if it feels like a waste of your time, either the coach isn’t good or it isn’t the right time for you to work with one.

Use your own judgment based on all of this. If you go ahead with it, I hope it is a brilliant experience for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am senior project manager for a global construction firm. I am one of the very few women in the organization, and wouldn’t you know, my problem is with one of them. She is a peer to me, and we have very different but overlapping roles.

The fundamental problem is that she changes decisions I have made on design and materials, without consulting me, and instructs others on the project not to mention it to me. Some of these people report to me and are thoroughly confused and stressed out about who is in charge. The decisions she changes are not hers to change. Sometimes they are decent, other times not so much. She has a different skill set from me (I have degrees in structural engineering and design, she does not) and she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know.

I need to put the extra work in to change some of her decisions back or risk some real problems. I would be happy to get her input and consider it—she does have good ideas. I have quite literally begged her to stop doing it. She is always very cordial and agreeable, and agrees to stop, but then she does it again.

I have asked our boss to have a meeting with both of us to clarify roles/responsibilities, and he snorts and says, “You guys need to work this stuff (not the s word he uses) out.”  He has referred several times to our conflict as a “catfight.”  It is insulting.

This has been going on for years, and I have just let it roll off my back even though it drives me nuts. The workload is so intense that I figured I should keep my head down and it would work itself out. Boy, was I wrong. It has gone from bad to worse. Things came to a head recently when she changed decisions after the order for a bunch of materials had gone out. So, another order went out and now we have a surplus of materials—and I am being held accountable for the overage on costs. I explained to my boss what happened, and he doesn’t care—it is still my fault, and he is going to dock my annual bonus. I am a single mom and I was depending on that money to pay college tuition.

I see my nemesis and my boss together all the time. They both work at HQ and I am remote on the other side of the country. I don’t know how she has done it, but she has gotten chummy with the old boys’ club that runs the whole company, and she has cowed my entire team into acting like she is my boss. I do suspect that she and my boss are having an affair (they are both married to other people and there is an express rule in the company that people who work together cannot be in relationships). Of course, I have no proof of this. I have complained to HR, but the solution was to get me a coach to help me work on my communication skills. My communication skills have never been an issue in my 25-year career. But it has been useful to use the coaching sessions to vent and find some tactical work-arounds.

 I am at the end of my rope with this situation. Something has to give. I am having revenge fantasies, I am not sleeping, and I am just a total stress case. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Steamrolled

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Steamrolled,

Well, this sounds awful. I am sorry for your terrible stress. It sounds like somehow your nemesis (let’s call her N) has bonded with people in power and is hell bent on edging you out. I think you might have had a chance to nip this in the bud back at the beginning, but once someone who values power over everything else has gotten the sense that they can get away with whatever they want, it is hard to roll it back. That doesn’t help you right now because you can’t change the past. But it might help you in the future to never again allow anyone to get away with this kind of nonsense.

Based on the facts as you laid them out, I think you have three choices in front of you.

1. Fight like hell. Sue for the creation of a hostile work environment. Speak to an attorney and find out what your rights might be, especially since you work in a different state from where HQ is. It wouldn’t surprise me if your company has a provision for complaints that says that forced arbitration in their home state is the automatic first recourse. So, find your employment contract, read it carefully, and make sure you are aware of the laws in the home state. I just attended our company’s mandatory training about the federal and state laws around harassment and it is clear to me that your boss and your HR person have allowed a hostile work environment. Having your bonus docked because of the actions of another person who didn’t consult with you is grounds alone. That is a critical error on your boss’s part. When compensation is affected, the issue becomes much more real and tangible.

I hope you have been documenting incidents, but if not, go back and re-create anything you can and start documenting everything now.

It is also worth noting that if the company is paying your coach, your coach is obligated to escalate to their HR contact your observations about your boss’s abdication of responsibility and the total lack of procedural fairness regarding your bonus. Many coaches are unaware that they are not protected by client/professional privilege, and your coach is putting themself at risk. The fact that neither the coach nor the HR contact has taken any steps to help you is a factor in your favor, because it sounds like the people in the organization who are tasked with maintaining a fair workplace have also abdicated. That is not unusual.

One caveat on this: Be aware that if there were an investigation, even your own team might not tell the truth because it would put their jobs at risk.

This choice will be exhausting and expensive, but there is a good chance your company would settle to make the whole thing go away. Companies who are still operating with an old boys’ club mentality tend to do that—it is amazing how many lawsuits companies manage to absorb to avoid changing their culture. It is a long shot, but a settlement would certainly help with college tuition.

2. Get out as quickly as you can. Contact some high-quality executive search firms and get yourself another job. Companies are desperate for highly skilled talent, and I can’t believe you wouldn’t find something great for yourself. It would be admitting defeat, which takes a lot of grace. It would probably not be satisfying to someone having revenge fantasies, but it is the most adult thing to do. It’s also the most expedient thing to do because it sounds like N has gained control of the narrative here and has the relationships.

You could do a combination of #1 and #2—get another job and then sue. It really all depends on how much energy you have to devote to revenge. I say move on and find a way to let it all go, because as has been noted by many (attribution is varied), “harboring resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.”

3. Just roll with it. Okay, this really isn’t a choice, but plenty of people do it. It is actually a recipe for a serious health problem. The toxic combination of responsibility without authority famously contributes to cardiac events, metabolic disturbances (like diabetes), and degraded immune systems. So as stressful as the other two options may seem, this is the one that could kill you.

You might wonder why I am not suggesting that you try again to get your boss and N to work with you to hash this out. Normally, this is what I would advise. The reason I don’t now is because you already seem to have tried everything. You might take one more crack at having a conversation—using some of the techniques laid out in this past post. You could ask your HR contact to set up mediation with a professional mediator, and demand that she be present at the meetings. But it sounds like your HR contact is asleep at the wheel or just straight up incompetent. It really does appear that you are on your own, my friend.

So, seriously?  Get out. Now. With your skills and experience you will get snapped up immediately. Get out there and get yourself another job. You won’t regret it. Your confidence has been shaken but you can get it back. Just let N win and save your sanity.

Is it fair? No.

Is it right? No.

It is just another day stewing in the human condition.

Remember that N has to wake up every day with herself—a power obsessed, lying cheater. She is sowing the seeds of her own destiny, which won’t go well in the long run.

Make 2022 the year you save your own life. You will be so happy you did.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

2021 will be remembered as a year of change and it was certainly reflected in the questions Madeleine received from her readers. Here is a list of the top five most-viewed columns. They tell a story of the year we’ve been through. Madeleine will be back next week with a new year of questions from well-meaning managers—possibly yours?  Best wishes for the New Year!

Losing Your Temper and Don’t Know Why?

A column from the very start of the year from a manager concerned about a lack of patience and emotional outbursts.  Madeleine looks at seven possible causes. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/losing-your-temper-and-don-t-know-why-ask-madeleine

Feel Like an Impostor at Work?

A March column from a recently promoted manager haunted by the feeling that he just lucked into his position and doesn’t really deserve it.  https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feel-like-an-imposter-at-work-ask-madeleine

Boss Talks Over You?

A May column from an EVP of Marketing concerned about correcting her highly opinionated and authoritative CEO who thinks he is an expert on everything.  https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/boss-talks-over-you-ask-madeleine

Return to the Office Making You Crazy?

A mid-summer column when people were beginning to return to the office and managers found themselves dealing with all sorts of new issues. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/return-to-the-office-making-you-crazy-ask-madeleine

People Aren’t Stepping Up?

A very recent column from a manager looking for help in moving her people towards more self-reliant behavior. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/people-aren-t-stepping-up-ask-madeleine

PS: Do you know other well-meaning managers who would benefit from reading Ask Madeleine?  Like, share, or invite them to subscribe!

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I got promoted about six months ago. My new boss, who used to be my old boss’s boss, is just not competent.

When I try to clarify priorities with her, she changes her mind so many times that I end up more confused than ever. She doesn’t attend meetings that she calls, so we all spend ten minutes in a flurry of emails and chats trying to figure out why the teleconference meeting hasn’t started. She also blows off one-on-one meetings. When she does show up, she talks endlessly about her personal life—she has a bunch of kids and one of them is always sick, or she is renovating her house, and we all have to hear the gory details. She never asks us about ourselves. She complains about how much everything costs, but we all know she makes a crazy high salary so we can’t imagine how she thinks we are going to feel sorry for her.

My former boss is now somewhat of a peer, although much more experienced than I am. I have tried to talk to her about this to get a reality check, but she really doesn’t see the problem. She just says, “yeah, (New Boss) is busy / she has a lot on her plate / she is usually very caring and clear.” She advises me to be patient, but I am not sure how long I can last.

I feel like a comedy routine on TikTok. I end every single workday thinking …

WTH?

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear WTH,

All of that hilarious material on TikTok came from someone’s real life. You’d think ridiculous bosses would recognize themselves and pause.

The way I see it, you have two avenues you could go down:

1. You can take your former boss’s advice and just be patient; or
2. You can bail and find another job, or look for another job and then bail when you get one.

I read nothing in your letter about how much you like the company in general, how inspired you are by the mission of the company, or how much you do or don’t enjoy the actual work or your coworkers. So you will want to take all of that into consideration. If you are generally happy with all of the above, there might be some value in hanging on and waiting for your boss to stabilize.

It is entirely possible that she is going through a bunch of personal stuff you don’t know about. Maybe she or someone she loves is suffering from a major health issue. Maybe her home renovation is driving her into debt (she wouldn’t be the first person to be driven to the brink by a home construction or renovation project). Or if she gives the impression one of her kids is always sick, maybe it’s true and the stress is more than she can handle.

My point is that someone you seem to trust has suggested you give your boss the benefit of the doubt. So you might just want to try that.

If you don’t like your work, your coworkers, or your company, there really isn’t much reason for you to stay, so you might as well start looking for another job. Keep in mind there’s a good chance you’ll get a substandard boss in your next job, too—there are so many of them. And there are far worse ways to be a bad boss. Maybe you’ll get a boss who is petty, mean, driven by unconscious bias, critical, or a nasty combo of all of those things. From what I can tell, yes, your boss is a flake, but she isn’t causing actual suffering.

If you do decide to stay, you will want to reach out to your coworkers to get clarity on priorities. That will help you clear up your confusion, which seems to be the thing that is really bugging you and causing most of your discomfort. Then I recommend you find a way to give your boss some grace until she can get her act together. The more you look for things to criticize, and the more you feed your judgment, the worse you will feel about your job.

You have choices here. You can choose your attitude. You can choose to learn from your boss how to be a better boss when it’s your turn. You can choose to be patient and find ways to help her out. You can choose to be kind, regardless of whether you stay or go. And who knows? You, too, may go viral with boss comedy on TikTok. It is all so funny, and things are funniest when they’re true.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a research organization. My colleagues are very well educated, as is most of the executive leadership team.

I’m not a scientist, a PhD, or a doctor. I’m a middle manager who knows how things get done and what needs to be fixed in order to improve a process. I have over thirty years of work experience and have received praise from research groups that appreciate what my team and I do to help them achieve success. However, all of this means very little when it comes to being taken seriously when I provide input on organizational changes that impact every group. 

Since I don’t work in a research department or have a higher position title, my group’s voices are rarely heard or included in strategic planning. As a result, plans are often created that don’t benefit the entire organization or that create significant resource strain (staffing and budgetary) on support groups. My team’s inability to influence means the organization never achieves its full potential, and that’s what frustrates me the most.

I’ve tried managing up, mentoring with leadership to influence change, and empowering others to take credit for our suggestions. I’ve been told repeatedly that the process works just fine. It doesn’t. Now I’m wondering whether it’s time for me to move on, or perhaps there’s another path I can try that will allow my team to excel and keep in step with the growth of the other departments.

I’ve put a great deal of effort into developing and improving my team. I know what these people are capable of and I know something has to change if I am to sustain this amazingly talented staff. The bottom line is that I really care about my team members and about providing them what they need to be successful and to thrive.

Stuck

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stuck,

This sounds awfully frustrating. You are seriously considering leaving an organization after a long and successful run, though, which makes my mind go in one direction.

You can choose to move on—but based on my experience, I think almost every problem you have right now will follow you to your next gig. I’m not saying you don’t have a real predicament here, and that it was partially created by others. However, you’ve also played a part in creating the predicament, even if it doesn’t feel that way. And the thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and beliefs that drive your behavior aren’t going anywhere until you can figure out what they are and how they affect your behavior. I suggest you start there and make some changes in your MO. If you still can’t make headway, you can leave, secure in the knowledge that you truly did everything you could have done.

The first thing I would challenge you on is the bit of chip on your shoulder. You blame your lack of influence power on not being at the same level as the folks you serve—but it’s possible that this is a story you’ve bought into. After all this time, you now feel like a second-class citizen. You will want to address that for yourself before you can shift the perception of others.

You have been told repeatedly that the process works fine, but you know it doesn’t. When you are dealing with a bunch of smart, analytical people, you have to speak to them in their own language and use their tools. If you need them to see exactly how the process doesn’t work, use their methods and language. If the current process wastes money, get the CFO and COO on your side by creating a spreadsheet that demonstrates the high cost of the current way of doing things.

You could also use the scientific method to show how the current process is a poor use of resources that’s leaving out big parts of the organization. The method would be:

• Ask a question. For example: Does our current way of making decisions about organizational change achieve the best possible outcome for all stakeholders?
• Perform research. If this sounds daunting, you might consider hiring an intern to do it. I know when I was working on my master’s degree, the biggest obstacle for most folks in my cohort was finding a compelling real-world project. This would be an ideal project for an IO Psych or Organizational Development grad student. I guarantee this is someone’s idea of a good time!
• Establish a hypothesis.
• Test the hypothesis by conducting an experiment.
• Make observations.
• Analyze the results and draw and conclusion.
• Present the findings.

Because you work in a research organization, it stands to reason that you could use the company’s methodologies to make a case for your point of view. You know—if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Another thought is to leverage the team you have invested so much in and have such high regard for. You could lock yourselves in a room and work through a Design Thinking process, which goes roughly through the following steps:

• Empathize: Understand the impact of the current problem and the realities that created it.
• Define potential outcomes.
• Ideate: Brainstorm and hunt down ideas.
• Prototype: Create an action plan to execute on the best idea.
• Test: Share the story and gain buy-in to try new things.

I think if enough high-level, smarty-pants types see your commitment to solving the problem as you see it, you could gain some support.

You have tried a lot of different tacks. If you really want to shift things, you will have to go way outside your comfort zone and try some things that feel risky. Go big and go bold. What do you think? What do you have to lose, really? Who wants to start all over somewhere new if you can get super creative and prove you are just as smart as anyone else at your company?

I’ve probably made you uncomfortable. If I have, that certainly wasn’t my intention. But I believe the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. So, blow it up and do something truly different. Then write a big article about it that gets published by HBR.

Can’t wait to read it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Aloha Madeleine,

I’m currently a Human Resources director in the hospitality industry. I believe right now, more than ever, our industry needs strong coaches.

What resources can you share to help me strengthen these skills through self-learning? Any suggestions you have would be most welcome! Mahalo!

Want to Be a Better Coach

________________________________________________________________

Dear Want to Be a Better Coach,

Well, thanks for asking. What a fun question. Where to begin? Why not with your greeting? I looked up the meaning of Aloha, because I had always heard that it meant so much more than hello or goodbye, and I found this:

“Aloha is an essence of being: love, peace, compassion, and a mutual understanding of respect. Aloha means living in harmony with the people and land around you with mercy, sympathy, grace and kindness. When greeting another person with aloha, there is mutual regard and affection. This extends with warmth in caring for the other, with no obligation to receive anything in return. The direct translation from Hawaiian to English is the presence of divine breath. The Hawaiian word alo is presence, front, and face, and ha is breath.

Choosing to step into the spirit of Aloha would be a very good place to start because it is so close to what I think of as the Coaching Mindset. The Coaching Mindset is the willingness to put yourself at service to someone else. As a discipline, coaching requires us to be aware of and manage our natural tendencies and to self-regulate to create an environment in which another can stay totally focused on their own thought process, enjoy new insights, and feel galvanized to take action.

So many people think that coaching is about giving advice or telling others what to do. What we know is that the best use of coaching is to develop people by evoking their own brilliance, connecting to their own motivation, and empowering them to take the action that will most likely help them achieve their goals.

If you ask 10 people, you will get 10 different definitions of coaching. Here is how we define it:

Coaching is a deliberate process that uses focused conversations that create an environment in which an individual will experience accelerated performance and development. It is a relationship between an individual, small group, or team and a coach, driven by specific objectives and expected outcomes. Coaching helps people identify and focus on what they can do to achieve their goals. It supports deep insights and promotes clear thinking and thoughtful, targeted action.

I highly recommend that even as you say you want to be a better coach, you define exactly what that means to you. Ask yourself:

• Who do you want to be a better coach for?
• For what purpose?
• What will you offer people as a coach?
• How will they know what to ask for and how to ask for it?
• How will you know you are successful as you improve?

We break down the journey to coaching competence as understanding and developing a coaching mindset, refining some key skills, and learning a solid, replicable coaching process.

• Mindset. What is your purpose as a coach? What are your natural tendencies, opinions, agendas/judgments, or core needs that will get in your way; for example: your need to be right, your need to show you have the answers, your opinions about the person or the organization, your tendency to interrupt? Are there any other habits that might get in your way?
• Skill Set. Much has been written about coaching skills, so I am not going to belabor that topic here. What I will say (that no one else really seems to be saying) is that the number one skill to work on is self-regulation. Until you master your natural tendencies to have the answer, tell people what to do, interrupt, and ask questions to satisfy your own curiosity instead of sparking insight for the other person, none of the other skills matter. The traditional skills are listening, asking questions, goal setting, challenging, and creating accountability. The ICF website has an exhaustive list of competencies.
• Process. There are many versions of coaching processes out there and most of them are fine. Don’t be fooled by any process that promises you a clean, linear path, because it will fail you. Humans process thoughts and feelings more like pinballs than arrows—you need whatever process you use to accommodate that reality.

Resources I can point you to? Yikes. The field is crowded and attracting new entrants every day.

I can’t honestly pretend that I don’t think our one-day Coaching Essentials training isn’t tops. (Hello? I am one of the authors.) I have been teaching coaching skills in organizations since 1995. I also wrote a book with Linda Miller called Coaching in Organizations. It is an oldie but it has a bunch of good, timeless info on process, skills, and all the different ways coaching can be leveraged in organizations.

There is a crazy amazing resource I love: The Library of Professional Coaching. It is a beautifully organized treasure trove for coaches at all levels.

Another organization to check out is WBECS—The World Business and Executive Coaching Summit. They host a coaching summit every year that offers extraordinary value to coaches at all levels. They invite the who’s who of the coaching world to present and share the latest topics of interest and it is very high quality stuff.

There are a bunch of different associations for coaches, and I am familiar with only one: The International Coaching Federation. It is the biggest and oldest, and it has the greatest reach. If you decide to do a full coach training program (which I recommend long term if you love it), make sure you do one that is accredited by the ICF.

I am buried in books on coaching. There are so darn many, but my current faves are:

• Coach the Person; Not the Problem by Marcia Reynolds
• Michael Bungay Stanier’s two books, The Coaching Habit and The Advice Trap. Those two books are so good I wish I had written them. That is about the highest praise I can think of.
• An oldie that I just took off the dusty shelf and am still impressed by is Coaching Questions: A Coach’s Guide to Powerful Asking Skills by Tony Stoltzfus.
• One of my blogs from 2017 has more info on books, including some recommendations from our Blanchard coaches: 9 Books on Coaching that Coaches Need to Know About

And that’s just to get you started, heh heh.

In short, start with the spirit of Aloha. Then shut up, listen, and inquire to spark insight (theirs, not yours). You will be amazed at the magic those few steps can create.

So “Noʻu ka hauʻoli”—Google tells me that means “the pleasure is mine.” You are most welcome. And Aloha to you!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a client services manager at a new cancer center in Lagos, Nigeria. I have just had my six-month appraisal with the CEO. Along with my responsibilities, I have been helping my CEO with her calendar and all other duties.

During the appraisal, she said she wants me to be her executive assistant. I was shocked. She said I get her, I understand her needs, and we work well together.

I went home and thought about it. It feels like it would be a demotion. The fact that I have been able to manage her calendar and do all her personal things well does not mean I want to be her EA. She has now told HR to look for someone that will work with me till I move to the EA position.

I enjoy working with customers. That is what I did for seven years at another hospital before moving to this hospital. But staff members here have always referred to me as her EA, even before my appraisal, and I don’t like that at all.

My CEO always gets what she wants but I don’t think I am cut out to be her EA. I already know what I may have to do but would like your perspective before I make a final decision. I don’t like the way this feels and I am not happy.

New Role Feels All Wrong

__________________________________________________________________

Dear New Role Feels All Wrong,

This falls into the category of “No good deed goes unpunished,” doesn’t it?

So, the first order of business here is to have a frank conversation with your CEO. It is nice that she appreciates your skills, but not so nice that she doesn’t seem at all interested in what you want. So you had better tell her, and soon. Possibly offer a compromise—to train someone else to be her EA since you seem to be so good at it. It can be very tricky to stand up for yourself and for what you want, but you will regret it if you don’t. I guess there is a chance that your CEO will simply fire you for not doing exactly what she wants. But if you are forced into a job you don’t want, you will be looking for a new job anyway, right?

There is another possibility here. Your reflex is to consider the move a demotion. That may be an assumption that you could check out. It can’t be all bad to work hand in glove with the CEO. You might parlay the move into the opportunity to be more than an EA—perhaps to be the CEO’s chief of staff. According to Wikipedia, the definition of this role, in general, is that a chief of staff provides a buffer between a chief executive and that person’s direct reporting team. The chief of staff works behind the scenes to solve problems, mediate disputes, and deal with issues before they are brought to the chief executive. Often, the chief of staff acts as a confidant and advisor to the chief executive, and as a sounding board for ideas.

That would be a promotion. It could be very interesting and engaging, and also could give you a wide scope of responsibility and influence. It might be possible for you to achieve. So instead of saying no, explore the possibilities provided by the fact that your CEO clearly finds you capable, competent, responsible, dependable, intuitive, and easy to work with. Who knows what might come of that? Also, there is the matter of salary. Would yours be cut? Or would you make more? Does it matter? It generally does to most people.

If it turns out that the job change really is a demotion, take a stand to keep your current job. If that isn’t an option, you’ll have a choice to make. What you don’t want is to be forced into a situation where you feel victimized and resentful. That won’t be sustainable for long. Worst case, you stay in the job for years and become more and more bitter, which will take its toll on your mental health, your physical health, and your entire life.

Excellent client services managers for medical centers are always in demand. If that’s what you want to do, take a stand for yourself, speak up, and tell the truth respectfully but clearly. You have some agency here. I encourage you to exercise it.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Trying to land your first job or find your dream job? #ENTRYLEVELBOSS—part memoir, part playbook—lays out an easy-to-follow plan that will get you on the right path quickly. Based on her personal experience, Alexa Shoen has developed a nine-step process for approaching your job search that will set you apart from all others.

Shoen begins by identifying 14 incorrect beliefs about how employment works, then challenges you to reconsider your assumptions. The world is changing rapidly—and traditional techniques for job hunting just don’t work anymore. Shoen provides the information you need to create a new mindset about finding a job. She then explains her proven methodology with step-by-step instructions, task lists, and examples that worked in real life—her life.

Before you start the job search process, you must answer these three questions:

1. What kind of role do you want?
2. Where are you physically going to get hired?
3. Which industry do you want to work in?

Sounds like common sense, right? But we all know that common sense isn’t commonly practiced. Shoen warns that if you don’t start with the answers to these questions as the foundation for your effort, you will easily be sidetracked, distracted, and tempted into the old trap of blanketing the market with your resume and hoping for the best. That isn’t a strategy—it’s a waste of time.

This book is a fun read, and it delivers a carefully considered system to follow. If you use it, you’ll feel like you have a coach by your side throughout the process!

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Alexa Shoen, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. For more information about Alexa Shoen, go to www.entrylevelboss.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been on sick leave for the last few months. Before that, I worked as an essential medical worker—administrative, not patient care—in a big city. It was intense. We had big refrigerated morgue trucks in the parking lot, and it felt like no one who was not in medicine understood quite how crazy things were.

I did, in fact, contract COVID and was sick, but I recovered fairly quickly. I am now on sick leave because of a chronic condition that I now realize was very much exacerbated by the stress of my job—and by the fact that my former boss was really, really mean.

I was told before I went on sick leave that I was being let go from the job that I had, but would be eligible to apply for other jobs in the hospital. I am not worried about finding a job. I am really good at a very narrow specialty and there are few people who can do what I do. But now that I’ve had some time to step back a little, I realize how awful my boss was to me. He was a bully who believed that my condition was all in my head and I just used it as a ploy to get sympathy. He even made fun of me in staff meetings. I laughed it off at the time, but now I see how wildly inappropriate his behavior was.

Now I’m wondering about myself. What on earth is it about me that allowed that ugliness? Am I just a victim? And how do I prevent that in my next job? Should I even try to go back to the hospital? Should I confront the bully? I keep going in circles and not getting anywhere. Any ideas you might have would be welcome.

At a Crossroads

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear At a Crossroads,

Well, wow. I am always amazed at what people are capable of. Look at what you have been through, At a Crossroads, and yet here you are picking yourself up off the floor and getting ready to fling yourself back out there. My hat is off to you: your resilience, your courage, your clarity about what happened, and your self-awareness and willingness to wonder what part you might have played in how things went down.

Let’s get you out of circles and moving toward some action, shall we? I’ll address your excellent questions in order:

What on earth is it about you that allowed that ugliness? Are you just a victim? I ask: Indeed. Are you? Only you can tell, since you would have to look at your history. Has this ever happened before? If yes, is it a pattern? If yes, then you definitely will want to find a good therapist and take a good hard look at what is going on and how you can break the pattern. If no, this is an isolated incident, it’s possible you never really noticed how messed up things were because there was so much other crazy stuff going on.

Adults who are targets for bullies tend to be people who stand out because they are super competent, nice, and a little isolated. But most important, they don’t draw boundaries or fight back. You can read about another situation here. Many bullies will cease and desist when the person they are picking on simply says something like, “Are you serious right now?” or “That really hurts my feelings,” or “Wow, that is just mean. Are you trying to be mean?” Some people who are perceived as bullies are, in fact, bad people—but some are simply oblivious and have no idea how their behavior impacts others until someone calls it out.

How do you prevent this kind of thing in the future? If this isn’t a pattern, you are probably going to be fine. You will have your spidey sense up in the future and it will never happen again. You can certainly vet your next boss by asking questions about their leadership style and what is important to them. And you can also not accept a new position until after you have interviewed others who work for the potential boss.

Should you try to go back to the hospital? If you think you can stay out of Mr. Meanie’s way, sure. But think about the big picture. If you start from scratch, you will be able to research culture, training programs, and leadership development programs of different hospitals to find a place where leadership matters. Also, you can check out things like location, pay, benefits, and opportunity for advancement. Why not go for your perfect job? Or, if everything at your last position was perfect except for your boss, why not go back?

Should you confront the bully? Maybe. You would have to decide what you want to get out of it. Most fantasy scenarios never play out in real life. If you think your bully might be open to hearing feedback on how his behavior impacted you, it might be useful. But you will want to prepare really well. Some thoughts on that here. But honestly—why bother? It isn’t your problem anymore, and it doesn’t sound like you owe the bully anything. Giving feedback is a gift. I will only do it if it’s my job. No good deed goes unpunished—and, in this case, that will almost certainly be true. Perhaps you want an apology? You would need to ask for one directly, and even then, it is a long shot. If it is closure you want, you might consider writing a letter outlining your experience. Write it out point by point—what happened and how it made you feel. Then you can decide if you want to send it. Just writing it will help you get it out of your head, and hopefully let it go. The carefully crafted, heartfelt letter that is never sent is a beautiful recovery tool.

One note about your condition. Is it possible you would qualify as someone with a disability so that you would have protections in the future? It might be worth looking into. And if your condition is brought on by stress, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that you would be well served to explore stress management skills; meditation, mindfulness, prayer, yoga, exercise, getting a pet. All proven to help people reduce stress.

Sail on, At a Crossroads. Take care of yourself and go forth and find your perfect spot where you can do your special job beautifully for a nice boss who appreciates you.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am the director of an experimental data analytics group for a global software company. I am an engineer and am good at starting things. I drew the short straw on a job that at first felt like an opportunity but now feels like a terrible mistake.

To lead this group, I had to move to the US from Europe. From the beginning, it has been a disaster. My wife and I moved into our new home just as things were shutting down because of Covid. She speaks very little English but was game to give it a try—at first.

My new team is made up of Americans. The difference in culture between this team and teams I have worked with in Asia and in Europe is pronounced. I am constantly taken aback by behavior that others seem to find acceptable. For example, all anyone talks about is how hard they work—and yet, we have precious few results to show for it.

I have already been given feedback that I am perceived as rigid and uncollaborative. This is a first for me, as I have always been able to get along well with others.

To add to my angst, my wife gave birth to our first child 3 months ago and is a mess. She, too, is confounded by Americans, and does not have the support of her mother and sister who would have been here if not for Covid. She gave up a great job so that we could move to the US for my big opportunity and is now regretting it. What’s more, she is constantly mad at me because I have had no time to bond with our baby.

I feel like I am being attacked on all fronts. I don’t even know where to begin.

Under Siege

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Under Siege,

Indeed, you seem to be. This sounds like quite a difficult situation, the result of a lot of big decisions that have led to a big adventure—one for which you are not prepared and are receiving no support.

First, let’s remember that this is, in fact, an adventure, and as such will require you to grow and learn a lot of new skills.

Let’s start with the situation at home.

You and your wife have a newborn, but no close friends or family around. She doesn’t speak the language, so she feels isolated. She is freaking out about what, to her, may feel like a permanent loss of freedom. She is also mourning her former life where she felt competent, having exchanged it for a new life where she feels incompetent. (Okay, I am just guessing about those last two—but they are educated guesses based on personal experience.) To top it all off, she feels like she has lost you. This is bad.

What to do about it? Two words: GET HELP. Call in the cavalry. Now is not the time to power through. Covid be damned, get her mother or sister over to the US pronto. If necessary, have them quarantine in a hotel for two weeks, get tested, and then move in. Too dramatic? Do you have other ideas? Something has to be done for the new mom. She is truly at risk, and everything is at stake here.

These early baby days are hard for everyone. But for a woman who is accustomed to crushing it in a big job to face the tedium, isolation, and learning curve involved with new motherhood is a staggering change. Probably nothing in her life so far has prepared her for it.

And she needs you. Yes, it would be great if you could bond with the baby—but you really need to be there for your wife. Have the hard conversation—ask her what she thinks she needs, and then commit to it. Unless you are willing to sacrifice your marriage for this job rotation, this is required.

You and your wife could use this time as an opportunity to do something difficult together and have it bring you closer, strengthening the marriage. I am a huge fan of Dr. John Gottman’s work on marriage—you might consider signing up for his course The Art and Science of Love. My husband and I took it as a two-day, in-person course, but it is offered online now.  As an engineer, you would appreciate that everything is based on research. The course consists of tools to help partners communicate more effectively and ultimately get back to the good stuff that brought you together in the first place. I have recommended it to many people and no one has ever said it was a waste of time. I can feel you rolling your eyes at me, because this is the last thing in the world you have time for right now. BUT—just stop and think about what is most important to you.

If you feel like you can get back on an even keel without help, fine. Do it. But if you find you aren’t able to get there on your own, now you know where to start.

Now. The job.

Again, two words: GET HELP! Where is your boss? Is there anyone you can talk to about your situation? Someone who may have some perspective, historical knowledge—anything? Just because you have never needed anyone’s help in the past doesn’t mean you don’t need it now. It sounds like you got off on the wrong foot with your team and there may be some underlying issues you aren’t aware of. Now is the time to reach out to anyone who can help you look at the whole picture and create a plan.

I am not surprised that Americans are different from people you have worked with in the past. The good news is that they are still people. There is some repair work to be done with your team—for whatever reason, you never got an opportunity to build trust with them. For this, you will need to go back to square one and literally start over. I recommend Randy Conley’s work on Trust. Start with this article: 50 Practical Ways to Build Psychological Safety in Your Team and go from there.

Right now, you must suspend your judgment about what is and isn’t acceptable—this just isn’t useful to you. Sit down with your team members. Tell them you are not happy with the way things are going and you want to start fresh and get it right with them. You want to work together to build a working structure that will serve all of you. Take a big step back, assume you made a wrong turn without knowing it, and go for a re-start. Ask questions, listen, and listen. And listen. Don’t argue or make your case. Just seek to understand and learn how to get to their best and how to unlock their greatness.

You feel under siege because you are under siege. You went for big life changes in the middle of a pandemic and you can’t just bail. So, stop. Breathe. Identify what possibly radical ways you can gain support, guidance, or help. Then go ask for it, and use it.

I hope this is the hardest thing you and your wife will ever have to deal with, but, as a member of a two-career marriage with four kids, I suspect it won’t be. Next time, though, you will know to prepare properly for big leaps and you will know who to ask and how to ask for help.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have a new boss who just offered me the role of lead for a team I have been on for about seven months. Our former lead (who, frankly, wasn’t great at leading) left suddenly a month ago. In the leadership vacuum I kind of stepped up, and nobody seemed to mind. In fact, the group seemed relieved that someone was doing something.

My new boss has asked me to define my new role. I got excited until I sat down and realized I had no idea how to write this description. Any guidance on this? All my life people have treated me like I know what I am doing even when that isn’t true.

Making it Up

Dear Making it Up,

How exciting! To be able to define your new role is wonderful—and daunting. I think there are a few ways to go at this, and I recommend that you do some or all of them. The main thing you have to remember is to get input.

1. What does your boss expect? What organizational norms do you need to consider?

Ask your boss for an example of what a good job looks like so you know exactly what he means by “define the role.” It is an awfully broad request if you are starting from scratch. A quick Google search offers an overwhelming amount of options. See if you can find out: Is there something wrong with the way the role was previously defined? Does a written description exist that you could build on? Do other areas of the company have team leads—and if so, how are their job descriptions written? It’s all fine and good to essentially make up your own job description, but if there are accepted and tested ways of doing things, there’s no point in your reinventing the wheel. Better to find what has been working well and improve on it if you can.

2. What does your team think?

Ask your team members what they think has been working well so far, and what could change. What things did the last lead do that were good and should be kept? What can you stop doing because it doesn’t work as well anymore, or never worked at all? Don’t promise to do everything they want you to do—but a few of their ideas may inspire you to greatness!

3. What do you want? What is your vision?

You are excited. You stepped into the leadership vacuum because someone needed to, so you must have a natural affinity for taking charge. That is a gift. Think back to leaders you have had and ask yourself which ones were great, and which were not so great. What did the good leaders do that you can replicate? What qualities did they have that you can cultivate and aspire to? What things are the most important for a leader to do, and how would you prioritize those things?

4. Take a class on team leadership.

Of course there is always ours, which covers the basics for structuring how you lead. Our High Performance Teams Model may be helpful to you as you build your ideal role. It prescribes that the team focuses in specific ways at different stages of its development.

• Align for Results: Clarify team purpose, determine goals and roles, and agree on behavioral norms.

• Communicate During Conflict: Participate with candor, listen with curiosity, and value diversity.

• Build Team Cohesion: Work collaboratively, trust and support each other, and hold each other accountable.

• Sustain High Performance: Share leadership, maintain synergy, and strive for continuous improvement.

5. Gain some organizational insight.

What isn’t covered in any of the above, but is critically important, is this: How will you ensure your team is totally aligned with organizational strategy and with what other teams or departments are doing? How can you make sure you are sharing information upwards and across in a useful way? How can you build connections and stay in the know about what is going on and what is coming? If you need a step-by-step guide on these points, here is an oldie but goodie article. You probably won’t be able to depend on your new boss for all your intel, so if you don’t have a deep network already, you will want to start building one now.

I hope I have provided enough food for thought to get you going. I have a feeling you are going to be just fine. Don’t forget to have some fun while you are at it.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I get no feedback. I have done well in my career. I have some big goals and I think I am doing OK at my job. My manager is a big-picture person who is constantly on the move and is only interested in my results, not in me. I think if I asked her about my long-term prospects here, she would roll her eyes at me. (She rolls her eyes any time anyone digresses from the numbers and the key results.)

Recently, my spouse went through a program with her company where they sent out a questionnaire to the people she interacted with at work. She got a ton of insight into how she is perceived. There weren’t a lot of surprises, but she learned some useful info.

They don’t do that kind of thing in my company—but I was thinking it might be a good idea to ask some key folks I work with for some feedback, just to see if I might be missing something. Could it be risky? Would people tell me the truth? What if I find out something I wish I hadn’t?

If you think it might be a good idea, how would you suggest I go about it?

In the Dark

Dear In the Dark,

There is a school of thought that says “no news is good news.” Then again, Ken Blanchard says “feedback is the breakfast of champions.” I say that it never hurts to really see the full landscape—your playing field, if you will—to make sure you understand the exact game being played, the rules of the game, and how to win it. Too many folks who don’t pay attention are surprised when they find out they were playing the wrong game or they missed the memo about the rules changing.

I don’t think ignorance is bliss; I think it is a naïve choice. So, short answer: Yes.

• Yes, I think it is a good idea to make the effort to get some insight.
• Yes, it can be risky, but there are ways to mitigate the risk.
• Some people will tell you the truth and some won’t, and that’s OK.
• You will almost certainly find out some things that will make you uncomfortable.
• And yes, I have some ideas about how to go about it.

Long answer:

Why feedback? It sounds like you think it may be useful to simply get the lay of land so that you have the information you need to move toward your big goals. You’ll want to assess for yourself where you think insight would be helpful. Is it something specific, or are you going for a more general picture? It’s a good idea to clarify your own intent and motives, such as:

• Are you seeking insights to help you achieve your goals? Asking for feedback can help you build support for your long-term goals.
• Do you want to build or protect your ego? There’s nothing wrong with that; just be ready to hear some things you wish you hadn’t.
• Do you want to enhance or defend your self-image and your image in the organization? Again, information on how you are perceived is fine and often useful.

Getting clear on your intent will help you to shape what you decide to do with the feedback you get. Remember—feedback says more about the person giving it than it does about you. So understanding someone else’s perspective is a useful window into where they stand and what they see from that vantage point. It also tells you what is important to them, which may be the most illuminating insights of all.

The whole mission to get feedback can also be an opportunity to create an environment in which you signal that you are accessible and open to feedback, which will increase the likelihood that people will offer it without your having to ask all the time. This also means you will get feedback you don’t necessarily want—but if you know how to deal with it, that’s OK.

Who to get it from? You’ll want to decide who to ask. 360 degrees is upward, sideways with functional peers, and downward with your direct reports, if you have any. The more thorough you are, the clearer a picture you can get of your whole landscape. You might also consider approaching customers, internal and external, who depend on you. You can approach your boss via email—not to discuss your brilliant career (which she doesn’t seem to care about) but to give her the opportunity to provide input should she choose to do it. What you don’t want is for her to hear that you are asking around for feedback and didn’t include her!

Method: My favorite cut-to-the-chase method of asking for feedback is to ask for a meeting. Clearly state that you are seeking intel on how to improve all of your working relationships and that you want answers to the following questions:

In your opinion,

• What should/could I do more of?
• What should/could I do less of?
• What should I start doing?
• What should I stop doing?
• Is there anything else you think I should know?

This gives some direction without too many guard rails. My big beef with the exhaustive online multi-rater 360s is that they are so in-depth that respondents are mentally exhausted before they get halfway through it. Provide the questions prior to the meeting—it gives people time to think over their answers. It is always nice to have these kinds of meetings over a coffee or a beer, but these days it will probably be web conference.

Risks: You only really make yourself vulnerable if you signal your intent—which you don’t need to do. All you have to say is that you want to be as effective as you can be in all of your working relationships, which is probably the truth and totally plausible. But yes, you do make yourself vulnerable, because you will expose yourself to anyone who has an axe to grind and takes advantage of the moment to give it to you right between the eyes. But my experience is that is much more common when people can hide behind a screen of anonymity.

How to receive feedback? This may be the hardest part. The whole exercise will absolutely backfire if you get defensive or attempt to explain or justify your position. Doing so will guarantee that the person will never give you feedback again. You must absolutely, positively practice almost superhuman self-regulation in response to all feedback.

You have a choice of the following responses. (Do not deviate from this plan.)

• Thank you.
• Tell me more.
• I understand.

Do: If you hear about behavior or an event in which someone’s feelings were hurt or the apple cart was upset in some way, you can apologize for your part in it. Just say “Wow, I am sorry. I didn’t know and I am so glad you told me.” THAT’S IT. Don’t explain, don’t fall apart, don’t make a big deal out of it.

Don’t: make promises about changing. You are going to want to collect all of the feedback before deciding what you want to do with it. Making promises without really thinking through what you are willing to commit to will box you in. Only make promises you are certain you want to keep and can keep.

Will there be moments of discomfort? You bet there will, and that’s OK. You won’t die from it. You are going to need to be tough to achieve your big goals, and the key to toughness is practicing not taking things personally. Take notice of what makes you defensive—it gives you information about your own secret vanities and insecurities. That’s OK, too. We all have them, and the more aware you are of your own, the less they will drive your behavior and sabotage you when you least expect it.

What to do with feedback: You have to think of feedback as data, not the truth about you. Ask yourself: what does this tell me about this person that is useful? What does it tell me about our systems and processes that I hadn’t considered? What does it tell me about myself that is valuable? What might be true and worth taking under advisement?

Only after some deliberation and analysis will you decide what to do; and even then, you will want to choose only two or three things to focus on. Start small, with one thing—something you can do without getting a personality transplant—one thing you think will make a real difference. Maybe it is to stop interrupting. Or to start consulting others when making decisions. Something simple and doable.

Still up for it? I applaud your courage. It will be quite a journey, but one I think you will find worthwhile.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a global manufacturing company. I manage managers and I am responsible for about 300 people around the globe. I was trained as an engineer and I really loved my job— until recently.

I am not sure what happened, but about a year ago—long before the COVID crisis—I noticed that I just didn’t care anymore. There’s still plenty of work and plenty of urgency, and I still have the same team reporting to me that I care so much about—but I just don’t feel like any of it matters. We are getting good results, and in many ways the current crisis is benefiting our business, so it’s not that I am overwhelmed. I have total job security. I thought it might be burnout, because I do work a lot. But I read up on that and it isn’t quite that.

I think it is somehow connected to not having a sense of purpose. What do you think? How important is it to have a sense of purpose? And if it is important, how do I find mine?

Just Don’t Care

Dear Just Don’t Care,

What yucky way to feel. I’m sorry. Burnout is, in fact, the usual suspect when people feel the way you describe. But if you have reviewed the literature and don’t think that is the root cause of your yuck, there are a couple of other ideas to consider. It might be a combination of a bunch of different things.

Grief. Is it possible that you lost someone dear to you a bit before you started feeling this way? In Western culture, we tend to feel like grief should be something we need to get over in a prescribed time period and that it is an act of will. It just is not so. Grief can last a very long time, to the point that we don’t even connect how sad we are to the precipitating incident. I once worked with a client who was feeling the way you described. When I asked if he thought it might be grief, he said: “I lost my partner four months ago, but it can’t be grief because she was really sick for a long time and I knew she was going to die.” I was stunned. Where did that rule come from? Grief is grief. It has its own timetable. You just have to find small ways to make life bearable until it lifts. Or, if you think it has gone on way too long, you can get some help with it.

Depression. If you have a family history of depression, you may recognize it. If you think you might be depressed, you could start with focusing on getting your needs met and finding your path to a purpose. You may also consider diet, exercise, or getting outdoors—all of which literally change your brain chemistry. Depression is such a common diagnosis these days, if that were the problem it’s likely you already would have self-diagnosed.

Core personal needs. It is possible that you have some fundamental core needs, or even just one, that isn’t being met. Either you were getting your needs met, something changed, and now your needs aren’t getting met but you haven’t noticed it; or you never noticed something critical was missing, and now you do. Linda Berens, an expert on personality types and the way personality differences affect relationships, has this to say about needs: “The needs represent … the driving force. Individuals unconsciously and consciously seek every avenue to get the needs met. When these needs are met, the individual is energized and light of spirit. When these needs are not met, the individual is drained of energy and suffers dissatisfaction or stress.” If you are interested in understanding more, check out Linda’s work here.

Another expert on needs, Abraham Maslow, established a now widely accepted theory that all human beings have a hierarchy of needs that must be met in a specific order. His work has flowed into the zeitgeist the way Freud’s notion of the unconscious has—although his view of humans is more optimistic than Freud’s. According to Maslow, humans are hardwired to satisfy basic needs for shelter, air, food, and water. Once those have been satisfied, people are free to then build stability and safety for their lives. This is generally represented by a strong and safe family unit.

Then, when people feel safe and stable, the natural impulse is to seek groups so that they feel accepted and build camaraderie. This is the need for belonging. Then, and only then, are people free to meet their esteem needs, which usually take the form of competence or mastery. There is overlap between the need to belong and the esteem needs. Humans naturally seek to belong to groups that recognize their accomplishments.

The last need in Maslow’s hierarchy is self-actualization, or the deep desire for people to maximize their potential. Self-actualization often takes the form of a search for knowledge, a quest for mastery, a life devoted to God, and what we generally think of as self-fulfillment. There is a good chance that you have the first two, or even three—moving from the bottom of the pyramid up—pretty much covered. Possibly, you have been super focused on other needs, and, now that they are fully met, it is time to turn your attention to the next level.

Values and purpose. Another possibility, the one you suspect, is that you have become aware that is it time to identify your purpose. Your purpose will be rooted in your values—those things that you say are important to you. When people spend too much of their time devoted to work that is not aligned with their values, they can easily fall into a funk. Maybe something changed about your job or at home so that you are no longer allowed to be focused on what is most important to you. It might be useful to identify what has changed; it could help you to identify what is missing now. This state of mind can be subtle and creep up so you don’t even notice it until—you described it really well—you wake up one day feeling like nothing matters. Some people manage to go through their entire lives without ever thinking about their purpose, while others seem to be driven by it early on.

My experience with clients is that having a clear purpose is especially useful when you are committed to doing hard things over a long period of time or when you are going through times that are tedious. If you have never done purpose work—often referred to by Simon Sinek as your “WHY”— now is the perfect time to give it some thought. Of course, there are entire books and courses devoted to this topic, so here are some questions to get you started:

Questions to ask to define your purpose:

• What do you do easily and naturally that you are known for, that people come to you for, and that others thank you for?
• What are you doing when you are in the zone, lose track of time, and would do it for free if you didn’t need a paycheck?
• What are you willing to do despite knowing you might be judged by others or that it might make you look foolish?
• What dream did you have when you were younger that you meant to defer but then forgot about?
• Considering what is important to you, and your purpose to the extent that you have a sense of it, what do you see is reasonably possible (with a fair amount of work and commitment) for you?
• Can you paint a detailed picture?
• What does the picture tell you?
• What could you do now—just as a first step—so that the picture can be manifested in reality some day?

You will have to experiment a little and notice what gives you joy and feels like the right direction. That’s okay, you have time, and you will start feeling better once you start picking up clues and penciling out a plan. I personally dabbled in a topic for thirteen years before finally getting serious and signing up for classes. Seven years later I am still a neophyte, partially because it takes decades to master, partially because there is still the family (husband, four kids, three dogs), the full-time job (which I love) and, you know, life. But I have made slow and steady progress, which allows me to feel 100% on purpose and gives me extraordinary satisfaction.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t suggest that you schedule a physical with a doctor. There might be a chemical reason for feeling the way you do; you just never know. If your hormones are wildly out of whack or you are deficient in some key nutrient, a visit to your doctor will rule it in or out. Your doctor may diagnose depression—which of course might be true—but unmet needs or a lack of purpose and values alignment are often diagnosed as depression.

Of course, the feeling might just lift on its own, but I do encourage you to continue your inquiry—it can only help. Good luck to you. There is so much joy to be had in this life. I hope you can find your way back to it.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a small company. My boss (a boomer) keeps mentioning that I need to develop my brand. I really don’t understand what she means.

The more I learn about personal branding, the more it feels like something that can limit me. It also feels like kind of an old, tired idea. What do you think?

Branded?

Dear Branded,

I think your first step is to ask your boss what she means by it. Do you need to increase your visibility in the organization? Do you need to somehow distinguish yourself from others? Her answer may clarify her suggestion and help you make up your mind. In the meantime, let’s examine the whole concept of personal branding.

I have a clear memory of a Fast Company cover from 1997 with a big article by Tom Peters. (Tom Peters isn’t even technically a boomer; he was born in 1942.) I even remember at the time thinking Wow, that’s a little gross.

If you Google Fast Company and branding, the next link is a piece from 2019 titled You Are Not a Brand, which expresses feelings much like yours. Gross.

And so, the pendulum swings. But. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Wikipedia defines personal branding as “the conscious and intentional effort to create and influence public perception of an individual by positioning them as an authority in their industry, elevating their credibility, and differentiating themselves from the competition, to ultimately advance their career, increase their circle of influence, and have a larger impact.”

Now seriously, how could that be bad? Do you want to advance your career? Do you want to increase your circle of influence? Do you want to make a larger impact? Maybe you don’t. That’s fine, I’m not judging. But here’s the thing. Contrary to common sense, the reward for excellent work is not promotion, a killer reputation, or rewards. The reward for excellent work is more work. It is a confounding truth. So if you want the reward for your excellent work to be something other than just more work, you’re going to have to engage in a little bit of personal public relations. Is that different from branding? Maybe. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a mashup of branding and building a strong network of relationships.

Brand is only a dirty word if it means cooking up a bunch of lies about yourself and trying to get others to believe them. That is gross. And it just isn’t going to fly, because it is unsustainable in the long term. Brand can be used as an umbrella word to express the concept that you know who you are and the value you bring to the table. But it also must be aligned with what you want to achieve. So you’re going to have a bunch of interesting strengths, but the ones you highlight will depend on your goals. You might think of your brand as simply what you want to be known for.

You may not even know, and that’s OK. You can find out. Ask trusted friends or family what they think makes you special. Ask your boss what special value you add. Take the Standout Assessment https://www.marcusbuckingham.com/—it’s free right now! The cool thing about Standout is that it takes your top strengths and puts them together to form a unique and powerful combination. And take the Values in Action assessment (also free!) to pinpoint your top character strengths. It’s so positive, it’s sure to make you smile.

If you are aiming for a leadership position, you can start working on your Leadership Point of View right now. This is a written outline of your beliefs and attitudes about leadership, your leadership values, your standards for yourself, and what you expect of others. It is utterly and completely about you. No holds barred, no baloney, totally truthful.

If you tell the truth, it can never limit you. The truth will change and your brand will evolve with you as you grow, so you have to keep your eye on it.

You can easily outgrow your idea of yourself without realizing it. I keep a written credo pasted into my journal. (I, too, am a boomer and I’m hopelessly addicted to paper and writing by hand.) When I recently started a new journal, I had to change a phrase in my credo. I used to say “I practice brutal realism and reckless optimism” and I had to change the word reckless to tireless. As it turns out, I have had the recklessness beaten out of me. It was true for a long time, just not anymore.

Here’s another possible way to go about it. A professional speaking coach once taught me that to show up authentically and powerfully, you have to be able to answer three questions. (I added a fourth.)

1. How do you see yourself?
2. How do others see you?
3. How do want to be seen?
4. How must you be seen to achieve your goals?

If there is a gap between #1 and #2, it needs to be reflected upon. If there is a gap between #2 and #3, that is data about how you’re showing up that you can take under advisement. And finally, #4 is a choice—but you can only amplify or leverage something that is already true about you to be successful. You have wonderful qualities that you can cultivate and showcase. You just have to decide which ones are going to be most useful.

The idea of personal branding may be dead, but if my LinkedIn feed hawking the services of countless personal branding experts is any indication, maybe not. Regardless, it won’t hurt you to get a clear picture of the value you bring and what makes you special—what makes you uniquely you. Nobody ever really succeeds at trying to be something they’re not.

Eventually, people will catch on and won’t trust you. You can decide what qualities to reveal and amplify, but ultimately people will see the real you.

Oscar Wilde famously said “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” For purposes of branding, I might amend it to: “Be the best version of yourself.”

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

A common coaching objective for executive clients is to exude greater executive presence while also being authentic. Many successful leaders are known for having exceptional executive presence. When you see this quality, you just know. However, when you don’t see it—you also know.

The path to executive presence can be challenging due to the following factors:

• The workplace is constantly changing. It is difficult to develop a style that feels right and suits the organization’s changing needs. Leaders want to stick with what feels comfortable.
• People evolve through their careers. Leaders change and grow. There isn’t always one true self.
• Social media demands that we share thoughts and feelings. Leaders may feel this is risky and unrealistic.
• Radical changes are happening in work styles. Leaders want to improve and learn using a sense of self, but extreme change can rattle a rigid self-concept.
• The difference in cultural norms is being addressed now more than ever before in the workplace.
• Selling ideas and self takes leaders out of their comfort zone.

In his article for TrainingIndustry.com, Executive Presence: What It Is and 4 Steps to Develop It, performance psychologist Dr. Stephen Long challenges us to consider that authenticity and executive presence are linked. Leaders set the direction with their heads and then engage their employees and colleagues with their hearts. Executive presence is a result of the head and heart working together to their maximum capabilities.

Bill George, former CEO of Medtronic and author of the book True North: Develop Your Authentic Leadership, shares a similar message:

“Just as a compass points toward a magnetic field, your True North pulls you toward the purpose of your leadership. When you follow your internal compass, your leadership will be authentic, and people will naturally want to associate with you. Although others may guide or influence you, your truth is derived from your life story and only you can determine what it should be.”

George’s Authenticity Model focuses on the different qualities an authentic leader has or can develop. There are five dimensions: Purpose, Values, Relationships, Self-Discipline, and Heart.

• Purpose—authentic leaders know who they are and where they are going. Passion shines through all that they do.
• Values—authentic leaders know their values and examine them frequently. Their actions align with espoused values.
• Relationships—authentic leaders build solid relationships and make heart connections. They share their personal experiences and listen actively.
• Self-Discipline—authentic leaders remain focused and cool even under pressure. They possess a great deal of self-awareness such as managing their emotions; knowing personal triggers; showing empathy.
• Heart—authentic leaders are sensitive to the needs of others and are willing to help.

Our true authentic self is not hiding under a burning bush waiting for us to find it. It already exists within each of us. If we stray too far from our internal compass, our authenticity quotient diminishes.

Here are a few suggestions for leaders who wish to acquire leadership presence.

• Build a strong foundation throughout your career. Develop experiences that point to your areas of strength and passion.
• Be mindful that presence develops gradually throughout a career.
• Establish trust. Be consistent and fair to all. This takes time to develop.
• Manage self. Create awareness about personal emotions and skill levels, and build resilience.
• Establish meaningful relationships. Display an attitude of caring and willingness to share personal experiences.
• Do the right thing in an authentic manner.

Executive presence and authenticity are intertwined. No cutting of corners, no looking away from values. Presence is knowing who you are, what you stand for, and what you want to be known for. In other words, it is having absolute clarity about your brand and never wavering.

About the Author

Patricia Sauer is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Contact Blanchard Coaching Services to learn more about developing your authentic executive presence. Blanchard’s 250 coaches have worked with over 16,000 executives to develop the skills they need to succeed in a changing work environment.

Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I know I should be grateful to have a job, and I love the company I work for. BUT. My whole company is madly trying to stay afloat and reinvent itself and I have more work coming at me than I can possibly do. I am working 16-hour days. I have my laptop in bed with me until midnight and get going again at 6:00 a.m.

My husband is retired and is good natured about it. He says I need to set some boundaries—but everyone is working as hard as I am. We are all doing what we need to do to survive the changes in our business and the resulting economic disaster.

I had all kinds of dreams about this last chapter of my career and they did not include feeling like I am part of a startup. Been there, done that, hated it then. I am angry, overwhelmed, and exhausted—but more than anything, I feel so disappointed. And then I judge myself, knowing that so many people are so much worse off than me: sick, losing loved ones, out of a job, homeschooling children while working full time, not to mention all the kids with canceled proms and graduations. What do I have to complain about?
And yet, here I am feeling out of sorts and not able to pull out of it.

Thoughts?

So Disappointed

Dear So Disappointed,

You bet I have thoughts. And a lot of similar feelings. I spent a couple of days feeling sorry myself because I wasn’t going to get to see my daughter pick up her Master’s diploma in her fancy cap and gown and yuk it up with all of our pals in New York City. And don’t get me started on how hard it has been to let go of our collective dreams for her gorgeous wedding in July. I mean, we argued over whether we should have broccoli salad (my vote: gross) and about 127 other details. And OMG, the band was going to be the best! And now—nothing. “Come on,” I tell myself. “People are dying. Get over it.” So I let myself have my sad little pity party for a weekend, and then I did get over it.

You must allow yourself to have your feelings. Just because someone else is suffering more than you are doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to acknowledge what a big fat bummer your own reality is. In fact, if you suppress your feelings, you will just end up feeling numb—or worse, you could start acting out: smoking, drinking too much, drugs, overeating—we are apparently having an epidemic of this kind of thing right now. So don’t do that. But you also don’t want to ruminate on your feelings by going over and over the same sad story in your head. That won’t help you; you’ll just get stuck in a nasty rut.

What will help is to break all of this down. Part of what is going on here is a mashup of all the facts, thoughts, and feelings until it feels like a car alarm is going off in your head. Let’s tease everything out so you can deal with each thing, one at a time.

The absurd workload: Your husband is right. You need to set some boundaries. Laptops do not belong in bed. Yes, I know millions of people watch TV on their laptops in bed, or goof around on YouTube and social media. So let me rephrase: work does not belong in bed. Yes, that’s better. New rule for you: NO WORK IN BED. You need your rest time and your sleep, and you will not be able to keep up this pace without health consequences.

I don’t care if everyone else is working as hard as you are. You are the one who is in pain. Put up the hand and say no. You know perfectly well what you can do in a reasonable workday—maybe that is 10 hours or even 12, but 16 is just sick and wrong. You are not saving babies from Ebola here, but somehow you have gotten yourself into life-or-death mode. The adrenaline and cortisol being released in your system will hurt you if you don’t cut it out.

Break down your work requirements and tell your boss and your team what you can do and what you can’t do. My experience is that the reward for good work is more work, not a break. Your boss is depending on you to cry uncle and tell him when you can’t do another thing. If you suffer in silence, the work will just pile on. You had gotten into a nice work rhythm before the Covid Fun House Crazy, so you got out of the habit of having to say no when enough is enough. Flex that muscle and use it now. I promise the entire organization isn’t going to go down the tubes because of you. If the company isn’t going to make it, the extra four hours you take to exercise, meditate, and sleep is not going to make the difference.

Suddenly trapped in a startup: Well. Yes. I can relate. I have been part of three startups—and the last time I said “never again.” Startups are a young person’s game, honestly, because they do take just about every drop of blood and sweat from each overtaxed employee.

The problem is this: every business is kind of a startup right now. Everybody is scrambling to figure out how to win or even operate with the new business landscape and restrictions. My own company is in the same boat. I keep hearing things like pivot, iterate, and fail fast, experiment! It is exhausting. All I can say is, this isn’t going to last forever. Your company will figure it out and things will settle down. This doesn’t change anything I said in the last section. It is reality and all you can do is adapt. Get some boundaries, take care of yourself, and do your best. This too shall pass.

The dashing of your dreams: This is a big deal. Bet you didn’t think I was going to say that. And I wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t studied neuroscience. I’m fascinated by one little neuroscience tidbit about the chemical reaction that occurs in our brains have when explicit expectations are disappointed. Research shows that when we have an expectation of something good and it is not met, our brains actually stop producing dopamine for a time.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is generally thought of as a feel-good chemical. It is released when we experience pleasure or anticipate a reward—cupcakes, wine, the perfect find on sale, juicy gossip. When we anticipate something good, our dopamine receptors are primed for the rush, and when it doesn’t come, the entire dopamine delivery system grinds to a halt. It feels terrible. In fact, it sets up such a negative downward spiral that it can affect our mood, and then our performance.

We intuitively know this. Think about the times you have strived for an outcome but tried really hard to manage your own expectations. We know disappointed hopes feel lousy, but unmet expectations feel even worse. So you, my friend, are the victim of perfectly reasonable expectations that are not being met. Your dream has turned into a nightmare. This is increasing your stress levels, decreasing your creativity and problem-solving ability, and probably affecting your confidence, too. The fact that you are not alone is no consolation.

What can you do about it? Reframe. Rewrite the story about how this part of your life was supposed to go. Define the narrative you had, and then redefine it. It might sound something like this: “Well, I thought this part of my career was going to be four-day work weeks, during which I could focus on my cherry-picked projects. I was going to do yoga every day and cook gourmet meals every night. But all that has changed now. My considerable wisdom and experience is now needed to creatively respond to this new challenge and rise to occasion by working at an accelerated pace again.” And so on. Focus on the strengths you can bring to this challenge, and what exactly will make you feel proudest when it is all over. Reset the expectations you had for this chapter of your life and keep them centered, as much as possible, on what you can control. You will find yourself in an upward spiral very quickly and start feeling a lot better.

If you need to wallow a little, go ahead. No one will blame you. But then do your work, untangle the yucky mess, deal with each thing one by one, and get that spiral going up.

Your husband will thank you, and your colleagues will too.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a marketing department for an operating company of a massive global conglomerate (yes, those still exist). When the shelter-in-place rule was announced, I did a really good job of making sure my team was set up to work from home, and have figured out the flex time/PTO situation for those who have school-aged kids.

A couple of my people have come down with COVID-19 and they have been fully quarantined. Thank God none of them have had to go to the hospital and all are recovering—albeit some more slowly than others. I am a 57-year-old man with asthma, so I am being ultra-careful myself.

The initial panic seems to have passed. I am no longer running on coffee and adrenaline. But now what I feel is dread. For a while we were talking about “when this is over,” but no one is talking about that anymore. Now I only hear “get ready for a new normal.”

I still worry that I might get the virus. It seems to be harder on men, and I live alone and don’t have anyone to take of me. I really like my job—although I suspect that I will be cut soon. I am not ready to retire, financially or energy-wise. But if I do get laid off, who wants to hire an old guy?

I’m not sleeping well. When I do sleep, I have nightmares.

Any ideas for finding some peace?

Need Peace

Dear Need Peace,

So here we are—in the US at least—about six weeks into about as weird a state as we all ever, collectively, have been. We seem to be pretty much through the sheer terror part of the program—some are managing the loss of their income, and, far worse, some have lost loved ones. In a best-case scenario, we are (I hope) about halfway to some kind of return to normalcy. We are being told that nothing will ever be the same, the economy will tank, we will never shake hands again.

Back in the day, when the only way to cross the Atlantic was to sail, sailors would often hit the doldrums. Around the equator, the wind would just stop blowing—sometimes for a few days, often for weeks. But that didn’t mean there weren’t storms. There were often more than usual, and they would spring up with no warning. It caused deep unease. Sailors would start wondering if they would have enough food. Or water. (I can’t imagine they were worried about toilet paper.) Before the discovery that limes could combat scurvy, which is a lack of vitamin C that causes the gums to soften among other symptoms, sailors would wonder why their teeth were falling out. This was the time that nightmares about sea monsters would set in. It was pure, unadulterated, existential dread.

We are in the doldrums. Uncertainty is exhausting for our brains. Our brains are prediction machines, constantly scanning the environment for new threats. And these days, all they find is potential and even actual threats. It is totally normal to feel like you are on tilt most of the time. I don’t know anyone who isn’t feeling it. One of my colleagues who has been through some serious challenges and has perfected the art of self-care recently wrote: “I am noticing my self-care practices are not enough some days to get me out of a funk of negativity.” If she, who is a role model for sunny resilience, is feeling this way, we normal people are going to have work extra hard!

So. You have your work cut out for you. I am no medical professional, but I am a fellow human and I will share some ideas of what has worked for me, my clients, and my loved ones.

• Right now, take a few minutes and write down everything you are afraid of, everything that is driving you nuts, everything you are putting up with, everything that is making you mad. Get it all out, all on paper. This isn’t to dwell on the negative—it is to get all of the nasty little dust bunnies hiding in the dark places of your soul out into the sunlight. You probably think you don’t have that many, but you might be surprised. Now, look through all the things on the list and identify the ones you have some control over. See what actions you might be able to take that might shore up your sense of autonomy and control.

• One technique that has been extraordinarily helpful to many of my clients, especially the creative ones, is called Morning Pages, from a book called The Artists Way by Julia Cameron. You can hear Julia on the topic here. The technique couldn’t be simpler. When you wake up in the morning, you write three pages, just stream of consciousness, in longhand (a stretch for the younger generation but probably not for you!) I have used this technique to get me through some of darkest days and it really clears the mind.

• Try meditation. My husband, who has never been a fan of meditation, finally found one that works for him. He recently sent it out to our whole company and got some really nice feedback. Mooji, a renowned meditation master, just posted a new one specifically for these times. It might not be your cup of tea—but when life gets this strange, you never know where help might come from.

• Call your regular doctor and discuss your options for getting better sleep. I personally find that brutally difficult exercise can help. The one thing available to almost everyone is a long walk. Walking is always good, never bad.

• Talk to a mental health professional. One big company, a client informed me, is offering 16 therapy sessions to all executive employees and all their family members. I was shocked! But I’ll bet your company is offering some kind of help. Do some digging, find out how to avail yourself of it, and unburden yourself. If that is not an option, you might find some help on this great mental health/COVID-19 resource page.

• Regarding your fear about losing your job—marketing is essential, now more than ever. You must figure out how to make yourself indispensable and mission critical to the success of the business. This would be a really good reason to work with a coach—someone who can help you figure out your personal brand, your strengths, and a solid PR campaign that helps your boss (and anyone else who matters) understand how you add value. I’ll bet you could hire a good coach for six sessions to just accomplish that one goal. Here is a link to The International Coach Federation Coach Finder. It will help you manage your anxiety and take intentional action, and it will be super helpful to get you through to the next opportunity if you do get let go.

• As for the language you use about yourself, cut it out. Language shapes our thoughts, and thoughts become our reality. As my mother-in-law, the extraordinarily wise Margie Blanchard, says: “Don’t say it if you don’t want it.” So please stop calling yourself an old guy. Reframe your self-concept around what you have to offer. Lots of people want to hire people with the right experience and skills. Nobody wants to hire Eeyore.

The one thing I recommend you take very seriously—as in do now—is what you said about there being no one to take care of you if you get sick. I encourage you to take the leap and have this conversation with someone in your life who cares enough about you to check in, bring you cans of soup, and generally show up on your behalf—a colleague, a neighbor, a friend. You sound self-sufficient and proud, which is fine, but not when you need help. So ask for help before you need it, so that you can put your mind at ease. No one should be totally alone right now, and you have the capacity to change that feeling. If you do nothing else for yourself, do that, please.

These are hard times. There is no denying it and no getting around it. But there are no sea monsters here, and your teeth aren’t going to fall out. I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I work as a marketing director at a medium-sized firm and I’m a longtime reader of your column. My company reacted quickly to the warnings about COVID-19 and sent all of us home last week. My spouse is a frontline manager for a larger firm across town that couldn’t send employees home because of the type of work they do (customer service center), so they are practicing social distancing.

Our daughter came home from college after her university shut its doors. Our parents are doing well—even though they aren’t being as good at social distancing as they should—and the pantry is in decent shape for the next few days. My question is “Now what?”

It looks as if we are going to be in this situation for at least a couple of weeks—possibly longer. What advice do you have for me as I make the transition from being super reactive to having a broader sense of what’s next? I know it’s going to be different for everyone based on the various situations people are facing. Some of us are bored and inconvenienced, like my daughter who is mad the retail stores are closed. Some of us are scared we might lose our jobs until customers come back. And others are working harder than ever trying to find short-term solutions to the sudden drop in business.

Any thoughts on smart next steps?

Now What

Dear Now What,

We are all facing the specter of a potential new normal. People are struggling with how to manage workers who have never had to work from home. Some are facing extreme isolation and loneliness with the loss of their regular workday structure and environment. And hourly workers in the hospitality and service industries are completely without income right now. I was my hairdresser’s very last client a few days ago and she hasn’t the vaguest idea how she is going to make her mortgage payments.

I was recently up in the middle of the night wringing my hands over the fact that three of my four adult children will not be generating much revenue in the next few months. I finally remembered one of my favorite coaching techniques: Worst Case Scenario Thinking. I realized quickly that, worst case, they could all move in with my husband and me. It would be tight, but worst case, we would ration food and repeatedly run out of hot water. And I would have to kick one kid out of what is now my office during the workday. If we were to lose our house, well, I guess we would go camp out at my in-laws.

I do think that the banks and landlords are going to have to forgive mortgage payments and rents for a while. We are, very literally, all in this together. Governments in every nation will have to step in to help those who are now unemployed.

For now, use other classic coaching techniques to get yourself grounded:

• Take a step back and try to see the big picture.
• Distinguish between what you can and cannot control.
• Tap into sources of strength and grace you didn’t know you had by accessing your vision of your best self and trying to rise to it.
• Brainstorm ways to take best care of yourself, your team if you are a leader, and your loved ones.
• Make choices about what you will and will not focus on.
• Create a new structure to manage your new normal.

We simply don’t know what’s going to happen next. All we can do is stay present to what is, and respond as best we can. Find someone who needs help and help them. I’ve found that reaching out to those who are in a bad way by lending an ear helps me to keep from obsessing about my own worries.

We can all still get outside. Go for a walk. Go for a long walk. Go for two walks. Wave to your neighbors. If you have an elderly neighbor, volunteer to take their dog with you on your long walks. Walking has been scientifically proven to make us better creative problem solvers. Being outdoors, especially in nature, has been shown to boost endorphins. My daughter in New York City is finding all kinds of hidden gems in her neighborhood—a beach on the East River! A sculpture garden! Who knew?

In terms of your wayward parents, it might help to remind them that if they end up very sick, it is going to be on you to navigate the ER with them and fight for the services they need.

In times of great crisis and uncertainty, each of us will toggle between rising to our own vision of our best selves and folding like a lawn chair. That’s OK. You can choose to be your own hero—and if you crumple to the floor in a heap of overwhelm and have to take to your bed, so be it. You’re allowed to pull the covers over your head or binge-watch the first five seasons of Friends for a while. You might find that breaking down causes a breakthrough that results in hidden reserves of grace, patience, generosity, and kindness.

Be prepared to settle into the long haul with this. It looks like it could be a marathon. Stay calm, stay grounded, and be kind to yourself first and then to others. I hope like crazy that the loss of retail therapy is the worst of it for your daughter. In the meantime, tell her to read a book!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been working for the internet arm of a retail company for almost twenty years. When I started, we were truly innovating with the speed and fierceness of a startup. I was given carte blanche because the internet business was growing more quickly than that of the actual stores. The website has really always been my baby—with my vision, my art direction, and my ideas about functionality. About a year ago, the person who had been my boss during my time here left, and a new head of retail marketing was hired. I’ll call her IG.

IG is making my life hell. She paid a branding company a ton of money to do a re-brand for us and the work is just terrible. She did not involve me in any of the decisions and is now presenting me with a whole new branding direction that I know will not work for our online buyers. She pays no attention to my opinions or even my data. She calls me at all hours and sends me nasty texts when I don’t pick up. When we do talk, all she does is berate me for anything new we are doing on the website. She questions every little thing, even though I am executing the plan she signed off on prior to the big re-brand, which definitely isn’t ready for prime time.

For a while I thought she was merely mean, but now I am beginning to think she is just plain nuts. She is all over the place with her ideas and she changes every plan we make. I say black, she says white, and then when I agree that white is the way, she says purple. She criticizes me for something and then when I do it the way she wants, she doesn’t like that either. It almost feels like she is trying to keep everyone off balance so that nobody notices she has no idea what she is doing.

I love this company and I have a big stake in making sure it continues to be successful. At this point, though, I am so beaten down that I have lost my confidence and my motivation. I am thinking about bailing.

What do you think?

My New Boss is Nuts

Dear My New Boss is Nuts,

Don’t bail. Yet. Fight first. Then bail, if you have to.

This sounds so stressful. I am sorry this person has upset what sounds like a great job. You are going to have to stand up for yourself and do something about this. Normally, I would recommend a difficult conversation with your boss that included a request for change—but it doesn’t sound like your boss is someone who can be reasoned with. It’s possible she actually may be nuts—or she could be trying to make you quit so she can hire the person she wants in your job. Or, as you point out, maybe she is in over her head and is using the crazy behavior to cover it up. It is astonishing how long some people get away with that kind of thing. I have seen people use the strategy of sowing chaos many times, and you would be surprised how often it works.

Don’t let yourself get beaten down or become a victim of this situation. If you really care about the company, which you seem to, you owe it to yourself and others to at least try to fight back. Go over your new boss’s head to her boss, or go to HR. You have twenty years of stellar work behind you—if all of a sudden you’re unable to perform, I just can’t believe you wouldn’t be taken seriously.

To the best of your ability, document the instances in which your boss has behaved irrationally in the past and in which she behaves oddly in the future. Note all of the times you felt or feel bullied. Keep every single text, as they show the date and time of events. Write up the facts about any interaction that seems suspect to you, and time and date all notes that record the facts. You can get more information about how to document appropriately here. Remember that the more rational you sound and appear, the more unreasonable she will seem.

Keep your wits about you and document, document, document. You may even be able to sue for a hostile work environment—although lawsuits are the last resort because they drag on forever, they are expensive, and you could lose. But, if your boss’s boss and your HR representative are on notice that you could make a case, that gives you a little more power.

You can allow yourself to just fold. You really can. And I’m sure that option seems quite appealing right now. That’s the long-term effect that lack of safety and constant turmoil can have. But what will happen the next time someone tries to intimidate you? If you fight now, you will be ready for the next time, and maybe the next bully will know you are not an opponent to be messed with.

I know you didn’t ask for this. We rarely ask for the trials that test us and make us grow. But I think you will continue to feel beaten down and unmotivated if you let IG win. Fighting back will restore your sense of self and your confidence. And even if you lose, you will know you tried and you didn’t make things easy for her.

Can you tell I really hate bullies? I just hate them. I am not very objective about it, and I can’t claim to be, because I feel so strongly that we can’t let them win. So feel free to take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Most people will agree that ongoing professional growth and development is important. That said, most people also know it can be quite challenging to establish new skills and behaviors. Competing priorities make it hard to focus, motivation comes in fits and starts, and there just never seems to be enough time.

There is a great way to improve your chances of working on your development—and that’s to enlist an accountability partner. What is an accountability partner? It is a neutral and supportive person who helps you stay on track with your development.

Time and again, it’s been shown that people are more successful when accountability measures are built into any self-development program. We just do better when we have support. An accountability partner can make the difference between someone who succeeds in their development and someone who loses focus.

So what could you achieve with an accountability partner in your corner? It could help you:

• Figure out what and who you want to be when you grow up. So many people are not fulfilled professionally and really have no idea what professional fulfillment might look like for them. An accountability partner can help you determine what makes you tick. Why is this important? Someone once said “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” But in order to choose a job you love, you first need to figure out what you are all about and what that job would look like.

You and your accountability partner can come up with questions to answer for clarification about who you are and what you want—such as What do I value? What matters to me? What’s interesting to me? What motivates me? What’s important to me professionally? It’s surprising how rarely people ask themselves these kinds of questions. Many seem to think they aren’t worthy of finding a job that honors their values or is interesting. An accountability partner can help them see not only that they are worthy, but that answering these questions can be integral to their well-being, given that work is such a huge part of life.

• Expand your options. When left to our own devices, most of us tend to see ourselves in a very limited manner. In other words, we aren’t very good at seeing our lives from multiple perspectives. We might think “I can’t figure out what I want professionally, I’m too busy making a living,” or “Who am I to think that I can do what I love?” An accountability partner probably won’t have those same limiting beliefs about you. They can get you to suspend reality for a time and dream dreams that may be big, but are also obtainable with some elbow grease. Often when brainstorming with others, we come up with ideas that may seem crazy but are actually seeds of brilliance. I can’t tell you the number of times someone has told me their professional dream and then immediately said it was unattainable—whereas from my perspective, their goal was not at all farfetched; it was, in fact, quite doable.

• Figure out where you go from here. Let’s say you did find answers to the questions above, and you suspended your self doubt at least for the time being. Now what? How does one make their hopes and dreams actionable? On your own, it can be challenging to figure out a course of action. But brainstorming potential actions with someone else can often spark big ideas you might not even have considered by yourself.

• Recognize accomplishments along the way. We often don’t recognize our own incremental changes—when we make progress and close the gap between where we are and where we want to be. But someone else can see our progress more clearly, help us recognize it, and keep us moving forward.

• Keep going when the going gets tough. Having a cheerleader is a very powerful thing—especially if it’s someone who will encourage you to take risks and do things that are uncomfortable. We’re much more likely to challenge ourselves when we have someone watching from the sidelines. Sometimes we will stumble, but we tend to get up much quicker when there’s somebody saying “Come on, keep trying—I believe in you.”

So where do you find an accountability partner? It could be your boss, a coworker, or a friend—or you could enlist the help of a professional business coach whose stock and trade is being an accountability partner. Many people have experienced how a professional coach has helped them by leaps and bounds.

Where you find your accountability partner doesn’t matter as much as getting someone in your corner to maximize results for you—or maybe your direct reports. You don’t have to go it alone!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

“People’s lives change in two ways,” says bestselling business author and syndicated columnist Harvey Mackay, “the people they meet and the books they read.”

In his new book You Haven’t Hit Your Peak Yet! Uncommon Wisdom for Unleashing Your Full Potential, Mackay shares advice he’s learned over the years from coaches like Sam Walton, Peter Drucker, John Wooden, Lou Holtz, and others. His straight-shooting, humor-filled approach to success in business and life is covered across 27 different topic areas that include accountability, discipline, persistence, setting goals, ethics, and trust.

Here are eight key takeaways from Mackay’s book:

1. Attitude is key. “One of the most powerful things you can do to have influence with others is to simply smile at them. On the flip side, of all the human failings that can destroy a person or a business, arrogance is the deadliest.”
2. Your customers matter. “Taking care of customers is taking care of business, which is why you need to create a service culture. And when you do screw up—and everyone does—you need to know how to correctly apologize.”
3. Get hiring right. “You cannot be a leader under any circumstances unless you understand one four-letter word in the dictionary: hire. The single greatest mistake a manager can make is to hire the wrong person. And when it comes to getting hired, the most important thing to remember is that getting a job is a job in itself.”
4. Develop your people skills. “People skills are so important—including manners, watching your language, friendship, and being a class act.”
5. There is no substitute for quality. “Doing something that’s ‘just good enough’ never is. Our values and eye to detail determine who we are. It’s important to do things right the first time to gain trust.”
6. Compete to learn and grow. “Rivalries and opposition make you better and lead to creativity and innovation, which are critical for growth.”
7. Believe in your ability to improve. “There are many things you can do, such as strengthening your memory and learning from your mistakes, to build new skills. In my public speaking, I hammer home the point that people achieve to the degree that they believe in themselves. It doesn’t matter if someone says you can’t do something. The only thing that matters is if you say you can’t do it.”
8. Balance and perspective. “Be sure not to let making a living interfere with having a life!”

Ready to learn more? Visit the pre-order page for You Haven’t Hit Your Peak Yet! at Amazon.com.

Need a little extra incentive? Every person who orders Harvey’s book by noon on Friday, January 31, will get two additional e-Books: “The Harvey Mackay Network Builder” and “Harvey Mackay’s ABCs of Success.”

All you need to do after ordering You Haven’t Hit Your Peak Yet! is send an email to harvey@mackay.com and mention you learned about the book through Ken Blanchard. No proof of purchase is necessary.

PS: Not familiar with Harvey Mackay’s work and legacy? Check out this post from Jeffrey Gitomer sharing his experience spending a day with Harvey Mackay and Ken Blanchard.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a middle-aged accounting professional; I pride myself on working quickly and accurately. I was hoping this would be my last position and I could enjoy having a solid job that would take me to my retirement.

I am in a CPA firm with three partners who are pretty much hands-off. Recently the young (mid-30s) woman who was essentially the office manager has been promoted to supervisor. It appears that a little bit of power has driven her insane. She is overly controlling, totally OCD, and acts like she owns the place. She even gives direction to the partners—my coworkers and I have witnessed them rolling their eyes. Behind her back we call her Diva. We do have a would-be HR person, and when I went to discuss with her I learned she is clearly aware of what she called Diva’s “odd personality.”

On top of everything else, Diva talks constantly about how women in their 50s and 60s “lose it” and “act weird.” Our whole group is made up of women between the ages of 49 and 59. It is insulting.

The behaviors are escalating, and I am having a hard time biting my tongue. The stress is becoming unbearable and my husband is sick of hearing me complain.

Thoughts?

Biting My Tongue

Dear BMT,

I am sorry that your nice, comfortable situation is being upended by a personality. Ultimately, you are going to have to do something to manage your stress and take care of yourself. Your HR person is clearly not going to help, and if Diva is keeping everything running smoothly, the partners aren’t likely to do anything to rock the boat.

Here are some possible choices for you:

Look for another job. I know it is daunting to seek employment in your 50s. However, I know small firms are always looking for solid, reliable professionals, especially ones who aren’t going to be agitating for development, more money, or a career path. When you leave, you can certainly state that your reason for leaving is the cuckoo behavior of the supervisor. If the partners realize she is costing them good employees, they will probably pay attention—because attrition and the need to hire and train new employees is a very real cost.

Draw some boundaries. Identify the behaviors that are beyond the pale, practice what you will say next time she does them, and be ready to say something. You should practice with someone safe so you can keep a reasonably neutral tone. An example might be: “Please don’t say insulting things about middle aged women to me” or “Please wait until I finish this task to give your feedback, it is still a work in progress.”

Suck it up. Use this as a customized spiritual development program to develop more patience, generosity, and kindness. Put yourself in Diva’s shoes and consider what is driving the behavior. Visualize a white bubble around yourself that protects you from Diva’s annoying behavior and let things just roll off your protective bubble. At the very least, this will help you to manage your stress and will contribute to your sense of yourself as a person who strives to take the high road and be the best person you can possibly be.

Fight back. It is essentially illegal for managers to insult employees based on gender, sexuality, race or age, just to state a few (check the laws in your state). Your organization is actually at risk for being sued if it hasn’t trained its managers or if top management ignores complaints (which your HR person is doing). The ageist remarks could potentially constitute a hostile work environment, and you really could sue. Who wants a lawsuit? Well, not me, and not most people. But the threat might be of use to you. Record every instance of your supervisor saying nasty personal things. Documentation is essential and will be your leg to stand on.

I would suggest you check the marketplace and see if you can get another job that pays more and has nice people. Aim high! I’ll bet you can find one. Knowing it is possible for you to move will help you to be bold—to draw boundaries and lodge formal complaints. In the meantime, breathe deep, and remember that Diva’s behavior is about her and not you. Other people’s emotionally unstable behavior isn’t personal. Let it roll off your back.

Show Diva just how “weird” a middle-aged woman can be!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In my role as an organizational coach, leadership presence is a frequent topic of discussion with executive clients and leaders who are striving to reach a desired position within their companies. I find it interesting that many of my clients who are seeking to improve their leadership presence have difficulty defining it.

In their book Leadership Presence, Belle Linda Halpern and Kathy Lubar define this competency as “the ability to connect authentically with the thoughts and feelings of others in order to motivate and inspire them toward a desired outcome.”

Here are some benefits to developing leadership presence:

• Building trusting and lasting relationships with work colleagues and clients
• Inspiring work colleagues to produce their best work product
• Acting as a coach for a reluctant new employee who lacks confidence
• Presenting a new product to a client
• Acting as a change agent in your organization
• Nurturing a healthy, positive, and fun work culture

For some leaders, seeking leadership presence can be both a career-long struggle and a career staller. Hard-driving individuals often spend a significant amount of time focusing on the bottom line and completing tasks rather than developing themselves or building relationships with colleagues and direct reports. I have coached many of these leaders who, later in their career, regret some of their earlier choices. They may have been bypassed for a promotion due to a lack of emotional intelligence or inability to relate well with others—and they often receive this feedback in a 360° assessment. Many organizations choose to provide executive coaching for these individuals due to their considerable talents and successful careers.

Most leaders come to executive coaching hungry to learn about themselves, improve their ability to build and sustain meaningful relationships, and enjoy their colleagues and direct reports. They will confess that something has been missing in their work lives. I would suggest that what’s lacking is self-knowledge and defining how they want to show up as a leader.

A great place to start when seeking to improve leadership presence is to think of a leader you admire—one who is inspiring, is able to command a room, possesses self-confidence, shows empathy and caring for others, and who consistently builds relationships and makes heart connections. I have my clients write about a person they admire so that they may capture the person’s desired qualities and traits. I often ask “Which of these qualities would you like to enhance within yourself?”

• P stands for Being Present—the ability to be completely in the moment, and flexible enough to handle the unexpected.

• R stands for Reaching Out—the ability to build relationships with others through empathy, listening, and authentic connection.

• E stands for Expressiveness—the ability to express feelings and emotions, appropriately by using all available means—words, voice, body, face—to deliver one congruent message.

• S stands for Self-Knowing—the ability to accept yourself, to be authentic, and to reflect your values in your decisions and actions.

When we are with someone who possesses leadership presence, we feel it, know it, admire it, and want it for ourselves. Leadership presence is more than the sum of the four PRES elements. It includes interior knowledge and exterior behaviors. It demands that we do the work of examining our values, identifying our personal brand, and correcting outward behaviors that may be pushing others away.

Think about a leader you admire. Observe this individual and jot down specific behaviors that you would like to develop within yourself. Perhaps it is their communication style or how others react when they enter a room. Which of their qualities could you emulate?

Best wishes in building your leadership presence in the new year!

About the Author

Patricia Sauer is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world.

Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an executive vice president at a large, fast-moving communications company. I started here as an intern. I love this company, my job, and my team—but most of all, I love to work.

I have been married 15 years and have four kids, ages 4-12. My husband has a great job with a lot of flexibility and works from home often, so he deals with the sick kids, the parent/teacher conferences—all of the things normally considered Mom stuff.

My problem is the constant judgment that comes from other women—old friends who stopped working when they had kids, neighbors who stay home with their kids, and even women in my company who have chosen to not go for senior leadership because they want to spend more time at home. I am sick to death of guilt-inducing questions such as “don’t you worry that your kids will resent you?” and “aren’t you worried that you’re missing their childhood?”

How do I respond with grace and aplomb?

Feeling Judged

Dear Judged,

Oh, my dear, I pray daily for grace and aplomb. I empathize with your position—in fact, I can clearly recall how the chorus I lovingly called the Mommy Police constantly criticized my deep passion for work when I became a parent.

The crazy news is that there will be people who judge you no matter what decision you make about working after baby arrives. If you had decided to stay at home full time, a different set of Mommy Police would judge you for slacking. Crazier still is that to some folks it’s okay for you to be a mom who works if you have to, but it isn’t okay for you to love your work. You have to hate it.

Rest assured, there is probably no mother in the western hemisphere (the whole world?) who doesn’t feel judged. The bottom line is that you have to make your own rules for yourself. You have to decide for yourself what it means to be a good parent and a good employee. With that choice comes a chorus of judgment from every possible angle. All I can really offer you is that if you are comfortable with your choices, you can just tune it all out.

The guilt is also a choice. To deal with it, you must be crystal clear about what is most important to you and what your standards are for being a good parent. Then design your life to comply with your own standards.

When my first kid was born, I read every possible parenting book. It was a nightmare. I got 27 different opinions about how to be a good parent. When I realized that I wasn’t a person who could stay home with a baby all day and stay sane, things really got complicated. I ended up having to work with a therapist to figure out my own point of view on how to be a good parent. Thereafter, I worked with a coach at every stage to redefine it for myself. How to be a good parent is such a deep mystery and so desperately personal that it’s no wonder we all judge each other mercilessly—it’s simply a projection of all of our worst fears.

Thomas Leonard, one of my dearest and wisest mentors, suggested discussing the situation with your whole family once they are old enough. Let them weigh in on a vision for how much Mom (and Dad, or other parent) works, and what Mom (and Dad or other parent) stuff is non-negotiable at home. Once you have worked it all out, you can have regular family council meetings to revisit how things are working for everyone. That way, everyone in the family at least has a voice.

So when someone questions your choices, the answer is something like this: “I think about my choices and evaluate them extensively on a regular basis. I recalibrate as needed. I discuss them with the entire family. And I love it all—my family, my work, and my life. How about you?” (I only wish I had had those words when I needed them!)

So go be a great mom, be great at work, and tune out the chorus.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Many leaders I work with know they would benefit from developing new skills but aren’t sure how to fit learning into their already packed schedule. I encourage them to think of their workplace as an on-the-job learning lab or playground where they can experiment with a new skill or behavior. I use this language because I think it’s best not to think of skill development as a big, serious task. Learners can relax into the learning by playing with it from different angles.

How about you? Are you putting off learning new things until the time feels right? Here are five strategies to help you get started.

• Choose one skill or behavior you want to acquire or improve. Get clear on one tool you want to add to your repertoire. Developing a new skill or behavior takes your best effort, so focusing on just one development area at a time prevents you from getting overwhelmed or diluting your efforts.

• Check your motivation. Do you truly want to develop this skill, or is it something you’ve selected because you think it might look good on your resume? Skill development requires that you be intentional and roll up your sleeves to hone what you want to learn. Internal motivation makes it much easier to put in the time and do the work.

• Create an image of what good looks like. Let’s say you want to become a more effective presenter. Once you determine you want to add that skill, create an image for yourself of what being a more effective presenter would look like. You can start by noticing good and not-so-good presentation skills of others around you—including people you work with, friends, family, or even the person giving away samples at a grocery store. After observing for a while, you will have created your vision of an effective presenter.

• Put your development plan together. Once you have your image defined, what you will you actually do to gain this new skill? If you aren’t sure, watch other presenters in person or online to see what they do that feels authentic to you. Seek advice and support from people who have presentation experience. Read books or articles on the topic. Look for tips, tricks, and suggestions that motivate you and resonate with who you are as a person.

• Ready, set, go. On the job is the best place to practice a new behavior—but use care. If you want to add presentation skills to your tool kit, it’s probably not best to start by volunteering to present to your executive leadership team. Start small, then build up your opportunities for practice as your skill level increases.

You don’t have to wait until your calendar opens up to work on skill development. You can practice on the job in the learning lab that is your workplace. Put these five strategies to work and take the first step today!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I was asked to present to the senior leadership team and the board of my company. I was excited and nervous—and prepared, I thought—but probably not enough as it turns out.

Just as I was about to begin, I kind of lost my mind. I started to sweat uncontrollably and my heart started racing. I was afraid they would notice, so I started cracking jokes and saying inappropriate things. I stopped looking people in the eyes. I have absolutely no memory of what I said or did. I just fell apart.

I got some feedback from my boss afterward, and he made it sound like it wasn’t quite the train wreck I thought it was. He did say I seemed nervous and that I should try to avoid humor in situations like that.

It is important that I figure out what happened to me so that I can keep it from happening again. Being able to do what I am asked to do is going to be important to my career at this company. I am very competent in my job. I know they know that, but I can’t be falling apart under pressure like this!

Where do I begin in order to make sure this never happens again?

Fell Apart

Dear Fell Apart,

Let’s start with the reality here: your boss’s feedback. Yes, it’s possible that he is being overly kind or is afraid of hurting your feelings. What’s more likely is that he is telling the truth and you really weren’t as awful as you think. That’s the weird thing about performing: people only see what you actually reveal. They don’t experience your thoughts and feelings, thank God. So the reality is that you did okay. You didn’t make a laughingstock of yourself. You didn’t do permanent damage to your career. You just kind of lost it under pressure—and you’ll find some techniques you can use to keep your wits about you next time and all will be well.

I’m a big fan of a book called Crunch Time: How to Be Your Best when it Matters Most by Rick Peterson and Judd Hoekstra (full disclosure: Judd is a respected leader at my company). The book outlines all the different ways you can change your perspective so that your biological functions (aka: terrors) don’t hijack your brain. There are a bunch of practices you can try in case what I have for you here isn’t quite enough.

Here are my two tips for you for next time:

• Over prepare
• Stay in your body

Over prepare

Preparation is never good enough. The only way to really make sure you are going to be your absolute best is to over prepare. What does that mean? It means different things to different people, but I can share a method that has stood the test of time for my clients and me.

1. Nail down your content and run it by someone to make sure you have the right points in the right order. Nancy Duarte has a great TED talk about how to structure engaging talks. It’s worth checking out if you aren’t fully confident in your ability to put together a compelling presentation.
2. Decide on your stories. Once your key points are nailed down, decide what example or story you’ll use to bring each point alive and drive it home.
3. Write out your presentation word for word. This is will help you get your language exactly right, get rid of extraneous words, etc.
4. Read your script out loud at least 3 times. Tweak as necessary.
5. Get your script on its feet. Turn your words into an outline and do your presentation on your feet, as if you had an audience. In front of the mirror is good, or in front of your significant other, or your cat—whatever you can do. Do this 3 times.
6. Memorize your opener and your close. Everything else can be in your notes. The night before your presentation, run through your opener 3 times before you go to sleep.

Does this seem like too much? I’m sure it does. A dear friend and colleague once told me that she spends an hour of preparation for every minute of a presentation. That means 20 hours for a 20-minute talk. Guess what? She is always impeccable and impactful. Maybe you won’t always have to do this much preparation, especially if you develop extreme familiarity with your content. But until you get really comfortable presenting in high-stakes situations, this amount of preparation will serve you well. At the very least, it will help you get back up on the horse after your terrible experience.

Stay in your body

Before you go on, pay attention to your breathing. Inhale to a count of 3, exhale to a count of 3, or whatever technique works for you. Feel your breath going to the outermost edges of your lungs. Feel the butterflies in your gut. Feel the palms of your hands and the soles of your feet. These are simple little things but so powerful, and they work. Doing them will literally keep you grounded and prevent you from succumbing to an out of body experience, which happens when we are in the state of alarm.

You will never fall apart again.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have just started a job at a well regarded local firm. I have many years of office experience, but this is the largest firm I have ever worked for.

My job is as an admin to a senior employee—he is not quite a VP, but that is his general level of authority. Since starting, I have been told he goes through admins at a rate of one every six months. After meeting with him, I know why. He is HUGELY disorganized, but resistant to any suggestions of how to fix the problem. His unspoken message to me seems to be “I need you to fix me but I don’t want to change anything.”

I have made several suggestions of new ways to file/organize/process work items, but his responses have been negative. I asked him what he would like to do and was basically told, “You’re supposed to come up with a solution.” Okay—but if he won’t accept my suggestions and won’t offer alternatives, what solution is there?

If I can’t help/satisfy him, the company will apparently find me a job in a different department, but I would rather try to make a success of this position.

Set Up to Fail?

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Set Up to Fail,

This is such a fun question! I always check in with my executive clients about how they work with their EA’s, because once executives have reached a certain level of seniority they are really only as good as their EA. Since I am usually looking at this issue from the other side, I went to a couple of executive assistants in my own organization for their input—ones who I know for a fact have had success with some impossible people! They gave me some excellent ideas and I am really glad I asked.

First, it sounds like you are starting from a place of feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. Could it be because you are allowing yourself to be influenced by others’ opinions of your boss.? It is easy to judge him as a loser going in—he is simply measuring up to the idea you have already formed of him. He is probably used to being judged and is feeling defensive about it. So instead of assuming the others are correct about him, try giving him the benefit of the doubt. Take his less-than-great reputation as a personal challenge. Remember, you are not there to try to change him or, god forbid, fix him. You are there to make his life easier and to help him achieve his goals by doing the tasks he cannot and should not do. You can tell him as much, too. That might be a breath of fresh air for him.

Of course, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t suggest that you have a candid conversation. Try something like: “I was hired to assist you so let me assist you. I am here to be your partner, and this will only work if you are willing to partner with me.” Do whatever you can to get to know your guy. What are his goals, personally and professionally? What makes him happy, what annoys him, what makes him laugh, what is he interested in? The more you can get a sense of who he is, the more you can use language that resonates with him and propose solutions that make sense to him. Ask about times he has felt most successful at work. Ask him to give you examples of the perfect assistant—what has worked and what hasn’t. This will provide you with needed insight and build trust and chemistry between you.

If he really has no ideas, maybe you can suggest he do things your way for two weeks and then meet to tweak. Be clear and firm and, of course, kind and respectful, and keep your sense of humor. Be open to feedback, of course. Don’t take anything personally and don’t give up! After this approach, if you really can’t get it to work at least you will be able to leave knowing you did your best.

It is good that you have an escape valve. Perhaps you could decide on a time frame that you are willing to try—and if you are really suffering at your deadline, allow yourself to bail. Give it your best shot. You clearly have the will to find a way.

Love, Madeleine (with a little help from my friends)

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a subject matter expert in an engineering company and, well, a technical genius. I am aware it isn’t politically correct to put it that way, but it is the truth—I have an unusually high IQ and people who come to me for help literally call me “The Genius.”

Our whole team recently did a 360° feedback online. I received my report, which was okay. My direct reports have no complaints with me.  I am a good boss because I studied how to be a good boss and do all that is required. Even though I find it tedious and dull, I do what it takes. My boss also thinks I am great.

The problem is with my peers. It isn’t so much that they said negative or judgmental things; it’s that for many of the questions they mostly responded “N/A,” meaning they didn’t have enough experience with me to credibly respond. The number of N/A’s from my peers made me realize how little they know about me.

I am a quiet person. People tire me out. After work, I really just want to go home, hang out with my cat, and test new levels of video games—which I do for fun for a gaming company run by an old friend. I am generally not included in social events, probably because I consistently decline any invitations I get. I am not just an introvert, I am a turbo introvert.

So, here is my question: Does it matter? Is it important? Is there a compelling reason for me to make the effort to be more social with my peers?

Would Rather be Alone

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Would Rather Be Alone,

Well, it all depends on your work and career goals. I am a little surprised that the success of your team isn’t affected by the fact that you barely interact with your peers. It sounds like regular interaction and cooperation with other teams is simply not required for you to accomplish what needs to be accomplished. That may or may not be true as your company grows and changes. There might be a chance that you will be OK with keeping to yourself for the foreseeable future; however, you might consider the following points.

The higher people go in organizations, the more they need to be connected to their peers to share ideas and ensure collaboration between functions. Research about emotional intelligence reveals that IQ only takes people so far—and that people who have not developed emotional intelligence (EQ) will hit a career ceiling. There might be some value in discussing with your boss your vision for your future in the organization and asking who among your peers might be most critical for you to get to know. Another thought is that one of your peers could easily be your boss someday—and wouldn’t it be easier for you if they had some sense of who you are?

I understand that people tire you out, so I encourage you to start seeing it as part of your job to create relationships with people in the organization who matter to your success. You can study how to do that the same way you studied how to be a good manager. You don’t have to be super social—just an occasional coffee will do it. Don’t try to be anyone but yourself, but don’t make it about you. When you are around people, find a couple of open-ended questions that get them talking. Make it about work by asking things like “What do you like best about your job?” “Is there anything my team could be doing to make things better for your team?” and “Is there anything that you think I should know?”

Then you can reward yourself by going home to your cat knowing you have gone the extra mile. Apply that high intelligence to doing at least the minimum. It won’t hurt you—and it will probably help you in the long run.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is really tough—I would say borderline abusive. It isn’t just to me. He is awful to everyone. Because of this, I am in a constant state of anxiety and my work has definitely suffered. I was very good at my job but I know the quality has decreased because I have no confidence and can’t seem to make a decision anymore.

I wait for the boss to tell me exactly how he wants things for fear of doing it wrong. I know in my heart that I have a lot to offer and that I could do this job very well with little or no input from him.

Some days I feel like I just want to do the job the way I think it should be done—to hell with it—I’m going to get yelled at either way. What do you think?

Sick of Being Scared

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Sick of Being of Scared,

Well, at least it isn’t personal.

Okay, Sick, there is a continuum of options here. At one far end you have cowering submission, and at the other you have open conflict. No matter where you are on the continuum, you are going to be scared and your poor exhausted nervous system is going to produce cortisol and adrenaline. Eventually, something will give and you will get truly sick and have to take a leave of absence.

If you choose confrontation, at least it would put some control into your hands. The more control you can exert over your circumstances and the more certainty you can create for yourself, the less you will produce stress hormones and the better you will feel.

Are things too crazy for you to catch your mean boss in a calm moment and create some agreements? Tell him you want only to do excellent work and make him happy. Ask him to give you input at key junctures of your work so you feel confident about being on the right track. Walk through your ideas about how the work should be done and get input from him. Show that you are receptive to his ideas and willing to compromise.

Essentially, I’m saying don’t let your fear keep you from having discussions, especially since it sounds like he is going to huff and puff and yell regardless of what you do. If you can just remember that this is just the way he is, it doesn’t actually mean anything, and you aren’t going to die, you can take a stand for yourself and your ideas.

I think you nailed it—if you are going to get yelled at either way, to hell with it indeed; you might as well go for it. Think of your boss like you do cold rainy weather: put on your metaphorical raincoat, pop up your imaginary umbrella, and just let yourself be okay with getting a little wet. Who knows—he may respect you all the more for it.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

As we wrap up season one of the LeaderChat Podcast, Ken Blanchard and Chad Gordon revisit some of their favorite episodes. They share new thoughts about the important messages from our guests and invite you to send questions you would like Ken to answer in future episodes. Just send your questions to podcast@kenblanchard.com.

Enjoy this episode of Chad Gordon interviewing Dr. Travis Bradberry, researcher and author of the best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0—which has sold over one million copies!

Bradberry shares how emotional maturity is absolutely critical for success as a leader, and how emotional intelligence is a capacity that can be learned and developed. He explains that increasing your emotional intelligence begins with self-awareness.

Bradberry discusses how to integrate EQ training into a leadership development curriculum—and how the emotional intelligence displayed by top leaders can set the example for all levels of leadership in an organization. Bradberry also shares strategies for dealing with stress, procrastination, and toxic people.

Emotions are a primary driver of behaviors and emotional intelligence is a foundational skill of all good leaders.  Learn how to be a master of your emotions in a way that increases your effectiveness as a leader.

And be sure to listen to the very end of this 30-minute interview to hear Ken Blanchard share his thoughts and personal takeaways on Dr. Bradberry’s ideas.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a good relationship with my boss. We communicate well and I admire him a lot. Over the last two years, he’s the one who has helped me learn the job and tackle problems.

This great connection has caused all kinds of issues I hadn’t anticipated, however. My coworkers seem to think that he supports me in every situation. People say my success is due exclusively to my relationship with the boss, and no one recognizes my hard work.

To add to my troubles, I am a little bit brash. I tend to be loud and probably a little too direct. I speak out when I feel something isn’t right.

I have resigned from my current employer and am moving on to a new opportunity. I don’t want to leave on a bad note and I definitely don’t want to recreate the same situation in my next job.

Teacher’s Pet

Dear Teacher’s Pet,

Congratulations for being able to build such a great relationship with your boss. That is a useful skill. The trick, of course, is to have a great relationship with your boss, your peers, and—as you eventually get promoted—your own direct reports.

The concept that will be helpful for you right now is Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence refers to the extent to which you are aware of yourself, aware of others, and able to regulate your own behavior to work more effectively with others. Some wonderful books have been written on the topic, including Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, and Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves.

Here is a great video summary of the main concepts that essentially lays out the importance of possessing these five personal qualities:

• Self-awareness
• Managing emotions
• Self-motivation
• Empathy for others
• Handling relationships

You will benefit a great deal from applying your ambition and desire toward successfully increasing all the above. Otherwise, you are going to continue to crash around and turn people off, which will hurt you professionally.

I can totally relate, by the way—having spent most of my life being described as a bull in a china shop. Brash, loud, direct, and straightforward describes me to a T. I have worked relentlessly to learn to self-regulate. After forty years in the workforce, I still have to put a lot of attention into moderating my natural way of being. It is difficult and sometimes tiring but my efforts have paid off.

Take it from me—honing your Emotional Intelligence is worth it, primarily because you really won’t be able to make a true impact all by yourself. To make a difference in the world you need to be able to work with others and inspire others to do their best. All the research on successful people shows that the ability to build and nurture relationships with people at all levels of the organization is the key to success.

This notion is often challenged by examples of Steve Jobs and Elon Musk—not exactly Emotional Intelligence role models. If you are as big a genius as those guys, then go ahead and ignore me. But if you are just a regular, smart, hardworking, fundamentally decent person who wants a great career, your Emotional Intelligence will matter as much as your intellectual intelligence.

I know you are already on your way—you at least noticed that your way of being hasn’t been working. So as your start your new gig, keep your ears open and your mouth shut until you get to know people a little bit.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I work as a training manager in a large organization. Two years ago my boss was let go. Since then, I have been doing both her job and my old job.

I like my current boss (formerly my boss’s boss) but it’s obvious that he is fine with the existing situation. I’m not—and I feel taken advantage of.

My review is coming up and I am wondering how direct I should be. I am an introvert and quite shy and standing up for myself is not my strong suit. On the other hand, I am angry now.

Mad at My Boss

Dear Mad,

Getting two full-time employees for the price of one is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Managers get away with it because employees let them. It’s good that you’re angry. I hope that anger will catapult you into action and get you to stand up for yourself. Use it to drive your planning and fire up your courage.

You should be very direct—but the key is to remain emotionally neutral while being so. It is my experience that the reason most people don’t demand what is fair is that they can’t find a way to express themselves without becoming emotional. So they just don’t express themselves at all.

So how to do it?

Think long and hard about what your requests will be. Put them in order of priority and decide what is negotiable and what isn’t. Then practice, practice, practice. Ask a friend to play your boss and force yourself to do it. It will feel awkward, and you will feel embarrassed at first—but isn’t it better to feel that way in a safe environment than when you are with your boss and the stakes are high?

Practice ways of saying no. Try variations like “That doesn’t work for me; what if we did this instead?” or “Let’s consider another approach.” Get comfortable with a couple of phrases that may not be normal for you. You are asking yourself to perform something way out of your comfort zone, so preparation will be your best friend.

Reflect on your experience with your current boss and brainstorm all possible objections or arguments he might use to talk you out of your requests. Practice your well-thought-through responses.

Think through everything—job responsibilities, how attached you are to the change in title, and, of course, salary. Put it all in writing so you don’t forget anything (easy to do if your nerves get the best of you). Begin by asking for everything you want and be ready to negotiate down to what is essential. Decide in advance what you are willing to give up—and what you will do if you can’t get what is most essential to you.

You should consider being prepared to leave the job if you can’t get your boss to agree to your bare minimum. This means brushing up your resume, polishing your LinkedIn profile, and even putting out feelers if you haven’t already. Having a Plan B will make you feel stronger in your negotiations.

You may find a lot of excellent support in Amy Cuddy’s book, Presence: How to Bring Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. Amy Cuddy is a social scientist who has overcome her own natural shyness, so she strikes me as extraordinarily credible. I am a big fan of her research on “power posing” and have used it myself before doing things that scare me. If you don’t have time to get her book, you can at least watch her TED talk.

When the time comes for the conversation, take especially good care of yourself. Make sure you have enough time and you won’t be interrupted. Remember to breathe. If you feel dizzy from nerves or can’t remember what you wanted to say, feel the soles of your feet on the floor and take a deep breath. Everything you need to remember will come in on your breath and you will be fine.

Most of us spend all of our time preparing for what we want to say and no time at all preparing for the end of the conversation. Your manager will benefit from this and will probably try to get you to agree to things in the meeting, but don’t fall for it! Do not, not, NOT capitulate to anything in the conversation. Instead, take everything he proposes—take notes if you need to—and tell him you will think about it. This will give you the time you need to think things through with your wits about you.

This may all feel like overkill, and it may be. But I guarantee all of this thoughtfulness and preparation will give you gravitas and make you brave—which will make it much harder for your boss to turn you down.

Fortune favors the brave…and the prepared.

Be fierce.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I work in sales in a large medical device company. I kill my numbers and have been number one in my region for the last six quarters.

I need your advice. My company continually makes errors in creating inventory of the devices we are selling. I just don’t think that I, in good conscience, can continue to sell my heart out when I know that the company will not deliver on its promises of continual customer service and care.

I am at the beginning of my career so maybe I’m just being naïve—but I would like to think that a company like ours understands that when it’s a life or death situation for our customers, keeping some inventory would make sense.

I mentioned this concern to my boss and she looked at me funny and said, “Well, I’m not sure everyone would agree with you.”

I understand that holding inventory is seen as a liability on the books, but it’s becoming clear to me that in the name of better quarterly numbers and shareholder value, the company is literally okay with putting lives at risk.

Am I being a goody two shoes? Should I look for another job?

Outraged

Dear Outraged,

No, you’re not. Yes, you should.

Oops, I’m letting my own moral outrage color my coach approach here, so let’s back up.

The good news is that you’re killing it despite having serious reservations, so it sounds like you really could find a job elsewhere if you decide you can’t stand the situation you’re in. However, big public pharmaceutical and medical device companies have a fiduciary responsibility to their shareholders and must manage the numbers for the Wall Street optics—so I’m not sure you’ll find a different company with customer service as its honest-to-goodness number one priority. Exceptions might be found in privately held firms.

You could look for a company, a product, and a go-to-market strategy with less problematic integrity issues. Or, because your values are such a strong driver for you, you might think about how to apply your sales skill set, brains, and stamina to an organization that does something you believe in deeply.

What you’re seeing is probably the tip of the iceberg. Forgive me if I sound cynical, but I have been working in organizations for long enough to know that people at the individual contributor level only see about half of what’s really going on. So if you’re outraged now, you would probably be incensed if you knew everything.

You say you’re young, so maybe you’re not already wearing the golden handcuffs that come with a big mortgage and children who will require a college education—so the time to make the big decision is probably right now.

Nobody’s perfect and companies make questionable decisions all the time, so you’ll need to decide what you can live with and what is unacceptable. What I do know for sure is that people who spend too much time working in situations that force them to act in direct opposition to their own values eventually run out of steam. Somebody else might say, “Oh for goodness’ sake, grow up and get over yourself.” If you were supporting a family and had no other choice at all, I might say that. But it sounds like you do have a choice, and you have personal agency.

So here we are, back at the beginning. Yes. Get out. Go find yourself a situation where you can make a significant contribution to something great. You will never look back.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I recently took a director level job with a huge Fortune 50 organization. I have been thrown into the deep end and I am worried about completely bombing out. I have had zero onboarding, so I am constantly making errors and spending tons of time backtracking and clearing things up.

I am really trying to do all of the things that Michael Watkins says to do in The First 90 Days, but his methods pre-suppose a sane organization. I am in back-to-back meetings all day, taking work home at night, and I have a list of deliverables as long as my arm.

When I ask my boss about how to prioritize my work, she just looks at me blankly. She clearly expects it to all get done at the same time. I have two direct reports who are already swamped and I am working on hiring a third one. 

I am used to getting things done and making an impact, but I can’t do that here. I am literally in despair that I left a great job to jump into this hell. Should I just jump ship before I get fired?

Want to Jump Ship

Dear Want to Jump Ship,

This sounds hard—regret about leaving a comfortable situation for a hellish one can really take the wind out of your sails. But take heart—you are suffering from the classic, predictable stage of disillusioned learner! In our SLII® training, we teach that we all start on a goal or a task as an “enthusiastic beginner,” and then hit the wall and become a “disillusioned learner.” This development level is marked by all the things you are thinking: “What was I thinking, leaving my old job?” “I am never going to make it here.” “Should I jump ship?”

The thing I can say to you is: this stage won’t last. You are going to figure this out and get yourself on an even keel from which you can make a rational decision. Big corporations can feel like lunatic asylums—I know, I have worked in some.

You will find your groove and fit right in. Or you may not. Either way, you will make the choice to stay or go based on the criteria you decide.

So what are your criteria for an organization you want to work for? Examples might be: amazing leadership, the company is making the world a better place, you are making more money and amazing benefits which will allow you to do something you always wanted to do. Make your list. When you feel as if you can breathe again, consult it and see if you are in the right place.

In the meantime, since your boss has no interest in helping you prioritize, you will have to prioritize for yourself. Since you are at director level, your boss probably assumes you know how to do this and expects you to do it. Decide what tasks you think are most important, find something that can get you a win, and focus on that. You might choose wrong—but honestly, what do you have to lose? Do a couple of things well and get your feet under you.

Take a few minutes a day to meditate, calm your brain down, and breathe. Take a deep breath in and exhale. Take care of yourself, eat lunch, and go home at a reasonable hour. You will wake up one day soon and realize you are fine.

Breathe.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

“Most ideals about why people are successful are driven by stereotypes and gut feel rather than facts and data,” explains Botelho. “In this book, we’ve aspired to provide information about how anyone can be successful by helping readers learn from other successful people in business.”

Learnings shared in the book are based on groundbreaking research and in-depth analysis of more than 2,600 leaders drawn from a database of more than 17,000 CEO and C-suite executives. Botelho describes the four behaviors of highly successful people as identified by the research.

1. They are decisive and understand the importance of speed over precision when making decisions. According to Botelho, most people assume that CEOs have an uncanny ability to make the right decisions more often than other people. But her research indicates that what really makes a CEO stand out isn’t necessarily the accuracy of their decision, but the speed and will to make the decision in the first place.
2. They are reliable and deliver what they promise, when they promise it—without exception. This behavior sounds simple, but isn’t easy to practice consistently. Botelho describes the importance of being on time and doing what you say you’re going to do—and she offers another tip: “Highly reliable leaders are thoughtful about setting expectations right up front.” Botelho shares that this behavior not only improves the likelihood you will succeed in your role, but also increases your chances of being hired In the first place.
3. They adapt boldly, especially when faced with the discomfort of the unknown. “Of the four behaviors, this is the one where people are most likely to underestimate their ability—and that is costly.” Botelho explains people naturally assume change will be painful, so they resist it. But her research shows that the most successful leaders are good at letting go of past behaviors, habits, and commitments that will not serve them in the future.
4. They engage with stakeholders without shying away from conflict. These leaders focus on leading to deliver results that benefit the company as opposed to leading to be liked. They keep all stakeholders—customers, employees, and shareholders—in mind and manage those relationships.

Finally, Botelho shares some counterintuitive insights about making great strides in your career—what she calls career catapults. “Sometimes it is better to go small in order to go big,” Botelho says. Having an elite MBA or working for a marquee company is a great way to advance your career, but sometimes taking what looks like a side step instead of always focusing on moving up the ladder can have a more positive impact. By being in charge of a smaller project, division, or group, you might actually have a chance to practice more skills and get more exposure.

According to the author, here is the most important message to take away from The CEO Next Door and this podcast: Excellence is more achievable for us than we assume.

Be sure to stay tuned for comments from Ken Blanchard at the end of the podcast!

Check out this episode!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager in a large government agency that has been decimated and paralyzed by our current administration. Don’t worry, I am not going to get political.  But I do need help, because growth and opportunity have ground to a standstill in our organization and I have a whole team of mission-driven, smart, passionate folks who really should be promoted.  

We old timers are used to rolling with constant change because our senior leadership can and often does change every four years. But this is the first time things have been this dire. 

What do I do when I have four people who should be promoted to their next position and should be getting a bump in salary, but I have an available position and budget for only one?  I am afraid if I move one person, the rest will be so mad that they will quit and then I really won’t be able to get anything done. I am at a loss as to how to keep people motivated under these circumstances.

Swimming Upstream

Dear Swimming Upstream,

It sounds as if you are fighting the good fight in an impossible situation.  I’ve worked with a lot of folks in government, so I’ve had a front row seat to the four-year merry go round.  It can be hard to get anything done under the best of circumstances, which these clearly are not.

You can’t be the only leader dealing with this situation—in fact, it must be situation normal for everyone in management.  Your first stop is probably to discuss this with your boss, who I hope has some ideas for you.  Perhaps there are some underutilized development opportunities for the whole team that can be creatively deployed.  It is probably worth doing some sleuthing—you never know what possibilities have been forgotten because their champion left with the last administration.  Check the fine print!

The silver lining of this situation is that the cause of the standstill is clear to all.  In regular for-profit organizations, when this kind of thing happens it can be hard to know who to blame—and the mission is often uninspiring. Things like hiring freezes, travel bans, and pay cuts happen all the time in almost all organizations. In smaller, flatter organizations it is almost impossible to use promotion and large salary bumps as a motivator, so management must find other ways to keep people engaged.

Your team must know what is going on. They can’t be expecting you to pull a rabbit out of a hat.  I am always a big fan of telling the truth as you see it so they know what to expect.  If you can promote one person, you will want to be clear about what criteria you are using to make the choice.  The least fraught would be to promote the person with the most longevity, but we know that isn’t always how it works based on availability of openings and skill sets.  It is certainly everyone’s prerogative to quit—but if, as you said, they are mission driven, you might encourage them to hang on for a few more years when there’ll be an opportunity for the situation to turn around. It is easy to lose steam when the powers that be are not on your side, but that could change relatively quickly.  Keep the focus on what you can do under the circumstances and the differences you can make.

Courage, Swimming Upstream. Remember that everyone in your agency is in this together, and you can use the awareness of being the underdog to fire up everyone’s sense of purpose.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a sales leader in charge of half of the US and I have a counterpart who runs the other half.  We have a good relationship. We support each other and share ideas and information.

I recently figured out that our newish boss, the EVP of sales and marketing, is playing us off each other—or at least he’s trying to.  He seems to think we will work harder if we are competing.  He tells me things about my counterpart that I don’t think he should be telling me, which makes me wonder what the heck he might be telling her about me.

Do you think I’m crazy? What’s up with this?  How do I make him stop?  Everything has been going well and I don’t want him to ruin it.

Feeling Off Balance

Dear Feeling Off Balance,

I guess you might be crazy—but if you are noticing this and you aren’t usually paranoid, you probably aren’t crazy. I always regret it when I don’t pay attention to my instincts, and so does pretty much everyone I know.

The most obvious option is to talk to your boss about this. Explain that you and your counterpart work well together and thrive on your collaborative relationship.  Do you feel like you can trust him enough to have that kind of conversation?  Again, trust your instincts on that.  You can use our handy TRUST model to assess how much you trust him.

If talking to your boss is not an option, you might consider bringing up the subject with your counterpart. Make a pact to create a united front and stick together by not allowing your boss to drive a wedge between you.

Now, I would be remiss to not mention a potential political reality that I have seen too many times: it’s possible your boss is doing this because he either wants, or is being pressured from above, to eliminate one of you.  This tactic of creating competition could be a way to help him decide who the proverbial best man is. It may cause some real static for the two of you to try to stick together if this is the case—so you are going to want to pay attention to the way the wind is blowing here and assess the situation carefully before doing anything.

This sounds stressful.  I’m sorry.  Pay close attention, keep your eye on the ball (your goals and your people), and see what happens next. And take notes—it will help you ascertain if you are crazy or not.  Stay grounded and don’t let your boss throw you off kilter.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

It is so rewarding to coach clients who want to be amazing and who dare to rise!  They are fully aware of their current reality of operating in the normal status quo and are now ready to shake it up.  Other clients gain the desire to rise during a few coaching sessions after self-reflecting and uncovering their goals and who they want to be.

Only YOU know what being amazing looks like for YOU!  It may involve taking baby steps in accomplishing smaller goals. Or it may be making a bigger leap to a larger goal. In both cases, stepping outside of the norm to “Rise to be Amazing” involves the following 4 elements:

1. Self-Reflection – Take the time to think about what you want to achieve and who you want to be in order to be amazing. Define what amazing means to you.

2. Self-Awareness – Recognize your normal mode of operation, behaviors, and thoughts.

3. Courage – Be willing to take a risk, to be uncomfortable, and to challenge yourself.

4. Believe in Yourself – This is huge: envision yourself being amazing! Personally, this helped me achieve completing my first marathon in 2016.  Wow—what a feeling!  After doubting myself and not taking control of my life/work circumstances for years, I chose to Rise to be Amazing!

Being amazing works in your personal life and also in your professional life.  For example, I have worked with many clients whose professional goal was to be an amazing leader.  For these clients, a focus on better goal setting, diagnosing a direct report’s development level, or becoming better at providing direction and support defined being a master at management.  Communication is another common topic where many clients want to become more effective.  This, too, involves self-awareness, self-discipline, and the willingness to adapt one’s communication style and approach.

Who knows what you might achieve if you rise beyond being normal. I challenge you to Rise to be Amazing!!

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a university student who moved to the U.S. from India about 7 years ago. I recently completed an internship for a 1500-person company in which the CEO wanted to have more diversity.

In retrospect, I can see the company offered me the internship in part to show that they were focused on being more diverse.

The problem is, from the beginning my boss didn’t seem interested in utilizing me at all, and I was given only a few tasks that I completed quickly.

When I asked for more work, my boss told me I was too pushy. Then, after letting me sit at my desk with nothing to do for a few days, she told me I didn’t have enough drive.

I thought about leaving, but I stuck it out because I wanted a recommendation. But at the end of the internship my boss told me she couldn’t write me a recommendation because I hadn’t actually done any real work.

I’m trying to figure out what happened and what I could have done differently, but I also feel that the cards were stacked against me from the start.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Rejected

Dear Rejected,

Well, that sounds horrible. I am so sorry this happened to you. It does sound a little like you were hired to be the diversity poster child and that possibly you were foisted on your boss.

As a boss myself, it is my experience that managing interns is time consuming and often unproductive. Managers who do well with interns have usually asked for one to complete specific projects and are natural teachers who have a desire to nurture and mentor. Being a great boss for interns requires the willingness to take the time and an unusual generosity of spirit.

It sounds as if the person who was your boss didn’t sign up for an intern in the first place and was not interested in teaching, mentoring, or showing generosity of any kind. This may be the root of the problem.

She may also have had an aversion to your differences. It is entirely possible that you have been the object of conscious or unconscious bias. When people are not like ourselves—people of different religions, socio-economic backgrounds, race, etc.—it is easy to view them negatively without even realizing it. This is often called in-group bias.

There are so many different kinds of unconscious biases. It is fascinating and we are all susceptible to some, if not all, of them. You can read more about it here. It might not even be this complicated—it’s possible that your boss just didn’t like you. It happens. Even so, she should have been enough of a grownup to be civil and professional.

I am surprised you didn’t have a contact in HR you could have talked to. Even a small company should have had someone for you to go to. You may feel it is too late now. But ultimately, there are a couple of big things to take away here:

• You should not, and cannot, take any of what happened personally. It is always the leader’s job to adapt to the temperament of the employee and meet them where they are to help them succeed. Your boss wasted your time and left you feeling left out and confused. Her behavior was unconscionable and is absolutely on her.
• You must learn from your experience. Next time make sure the person you are going to be working for truly wants an employee and has a hand in hiring you. Never take a job unless you have a job description with clear tasks and goals. Make sure there is agreement up front about what a good job looks like so that you can do a good job! This helps avoid being at the mercy of a boss who isn’t on your side. Do your homework about the company beforehand—especially their efforts at diversity—so you aren’t an unwitting pioneer trying to blaze a new trail.
• Pay attention to your own biases. We all have them. The more you are aware of your own, the more effective you will be as you move forward in your career.

You are still a student, so you have time on your side. Best to chalk this up to experience, take what you can as learning, and move on. Most of us learn a lot about what not to do from terrible bosses, so there is value in that: you will never do to some poor kid what was done to you!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

What exactly does it take to achieve mastery?

It begins with clarity. Identifying the needed behaviors and actions to move toward mastery.

Be intentional and focused. It takes concentrated brain power to go against your natural tendencies due to deep pathways created in the brain. You must be focused in your actions.

Take risks. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable as you move toward mastery. Be prepared to step outside of your comfort zone to experience new behaviors, actions, and interactions.

Embrace change. Keep your eye on the prize. In Situational Leadership^® II we teach that being new to a task or goal requires extra time and effort; but as you progress and gain mastery, it becomes easier and easier as new natural tendencies are formed.

Learn from setbacks. Recognize that you will experience setbacks and what even feels like failure at times. The key is to learn from these challenges and to see them as learning opportunities that lead to mastery.

Be open to learn. An open mind sparks the creation of new pathways in the brain. Be open to making changes when needed based on experiences. Mastery is a journey!

I’ve made a commitment to myself for 2018 to do what it takes to achieve mastery in public speaking. I am confident speaking one on one, but I want to also be confident in front of a group. I have already committed to several speaking opportunities this year. Yes, I am nervous, anxious, and excited. But I want to achieve mastery for professional growth.

Repetition is the key. It will take time and dedication to achieve mastery. It will be uncomfortable. But I believe in myself!

Join me and shake it up to achieve mastery!

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Coaches at Blanchard have learned a few things over the years about performance coaching.

• Instead of asking for help early, managers tend to either go it alone in trying to improve performance or they spend too much time documenting problems and talking to HR about their frustrations. By the time they call for a coach, they are hoping for a miracle.
• When performance coaching is done too late, it does not work. Often at this point an employee is interested only in seeking another position within the firm or even creating an exit strategy to get out of the organization altogether.

When we arrive late in the process to coach valued employees who are struggling with performance, we often find a seriously damaged relationship between boss and employee that simply can’t be repaired with a few sessions. In this situation there are 3 options.

1. Coach the employee – but with realistic expectations. Coaching does not offer a personality transplant. If the employee isn’t a good fit for the organization, recognize it, discuss it, and help the employee find a better fit.
2. Coach the manager – it is a better investment and can have positive impact on leader growth. Put the investment with the person who will stay, not the person who will probably leave.
3. Get clear about the ideal outcome. If the manager feels in their gut or heart that the employee’s performance will never be up to par, then do what needs to be done so all parties can move on.

The best time to work with a coach is well before performance slips far enough to warrant an improvement plan. If you really truly need and want to save an employee, review the information above and bring in a coach early on, when performance problems are still able to be resolved.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

About three months ago, my boss told me that I was in line for a promotion. It is now the middle of December and I haven’t heard a word. I asked about it at my last one-on-one and he looked at me funny and then changed the subject. I don’t think he remembers the conversation.

My boss is usually great and nice, but also sometimes moody and weird—and he often doesn’t remember conversations. I once submitted a report he had asked me to create – I spent four nights and a weekend putting it together. Again he gave me that blank look and it was obvious he had no idea what it was and no memory of having asked me to do it.

In the meantime, I really want that promotion. What do I do now?

Boss in a Fog

Dear Boss in a Fog,

Wow, this is tricky. We all have memory lapses and stress can make the problem worse, but this seems beyond the norm.

It doesn’t appear that the behavior comes from bad intentions, so you are going to have to prioritize which is more important to you right now: that your boss gets the help he needs to be clearer, or that you get the clarity you need to be as effective as possible in your job.

It all depends on the relationship you have with your boss. Clearly he has a problem, and some would tell you to go to HR to report it. The key, if you want to go with that course of action, is to keep track of incidents with dates and details.

I would only recommend this course of action if you don’t feel like you can have an honest conversation with your boss. I can tell you that if my employees noticed that I was being odd and inconsistent, I would very much want them to mention it to me. This option would require some practice and courage. I am a big fan of Susan Scott’s method from her book Fierce Conversations.

1. Name the Issue. He has said specific things which he then does not seem to recall.
2. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior. The ones you shared here should do it.
3. Describe your emotion about this issue. You feel you do a lot of work that doesn’t make any difference to anyone. You got all excited about a possible promotion and now have no idea what is going on.
4. Clarify what is at stake. This is tricky. You can stick with how it is affecting you personally, or you can go out on a limb and share that you are worried about your boss’s health. The angle that you are worried about him can easily backfire, though, so take stock of the relationship. If you don’t have the history, he could easily get defensive.
5. Identify your contribution to this problem. Is it possible you are misinterpreting things? Be honest.
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue and be specific about what “resolved” looks like to you. This is critical and will provide both of you with a measure so you will both know that the fix is successful. In your case, I would suggest repeating back what you hear to make sure you got it right. Then document all conversations and email them to your boss for confirmation on what was agreed to.
7. Invite the other person to respond.

The thing I like most about this process is that it forces you to prepare for a conversation about one problem, and one only. You can’t pile on with everything your boss does that drives you crazy, but you can, maybe, make an impact on one thing he does that is impacting your success.

Maybe try a conversation first. If that doesn’t yield anything, then go to HR. You are not the first person to notice this, and this may even be a known problem. Regarding the promotion, you may just have to deal with the fact that it was never a real possibility in the first place. You won’t know until you tackle the fundamental problem with your boss or talk to someone in HR about it.

Happy holidays to you. I hope you get your promotion, and I really hope your boss is OK.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

But instead of looking at your goals and lining them up against the measures for success delineated by your company, I propose a different review today. Ready? Look ahead—far, far ahead. Think beyond your work achievements and consider your life achievements. My question is simple: what would you like to be remembered for?

Rarely does a person asking this question think, I’m so glad I hit 15% increased revenue generation each year! If they consider work at all, it’s more likely that they think of the people with whom they achieved that goal. And it’s very likely they think about those at home who benefitted from that success.

For most of us, life is about people. And at the end, reflections on life are recollections of people.

So, on the work front: will you be remembered for working with people, or for working people over? Will you be recalled as a developer of others, or one who mows them down? Will you have shared personal stories with your people and heard their stories, too? Or will they have just occupied roles at work? Will people know what you cherished and valued? Will people recall that you valued them?

The day in, day out behavior people observe in you informs them about you much more completely than an assessment filed away in HR ever would. As the aphorism goes: “People may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

What will others remember about you? As the great poet Annie Dillard said: “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.”

How are you spending your days? How will you be recalled by others? Now is the time to make sure that what you do each day contributes worthily to a life well spent.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I have just been promoted. This has been my career ambition and it has been a long time coming.  

I have been leading a large team of individual contributors and will now be managing three other managers in addition to some individual contributors.  Two of these managers had been my peers and both seem to support my promotion.  Neither of them applied for this job, so I don’t have that awkwardness to deal with.  

The other manager—let’s call her Hesha—is quite new. Her team was moved into my area shortly before my promotion as part of a reorganization.  I don’t know her at all, but from looking at her social media it does not seem that she has the experience for the job. Her former boss left the organization at the beginning of the reorganization. I don’t know if he left on his own or if he was let go.  

This former boss got in touch with me on social media and asked if we could talk.  In a short conversation he told me point blank that Hesha was the daughter of an old friend of our CEO, he had been forced to hire her, she had no idea how to do the job or manage people, and she was hostile to feedback.  He went on to tell me that she has a lot of power, she was the reason he got fired, and I’d better watch my back. Yikes.

I was flustered enough that I got off the phone before asking the useful questions that occurred to me after we hung up—but I have a bad feeling about calling him back. Frankly, I have a bad feeling about all of it.  What do you think?

Been Warned

Dear Been Warned,

Yuck.  Bad feelings indeed. What a cruddy way to start off on this exciting leg of your journey.

You really have no way of knowing if Former Boss was telling the truth or what his ultimate agenda is.  His getting in touch with you seems extreme and smacks a little of a desire to sabotage by sowing seeds of doubt.

It is entirely possible that Hesha does have power and that Former Boss was a terrible manager, or worse.  Perhaps he was truly motivated to help you—but I have to trust your bad feeling that clearly comes from something seeming not quite right.  You may be able to locate some folks in the organization who worked with Former Boss—they may be your peers now, so you should get to know them anyway—and learn from them whatever you can about Former Boss’s character.

Remember that the rumor mill must have been working overtime when this drama went down. Use the information you hear only to give you an impression; don’t expect it to be reliable.

I think the key thing to do is to file away the whole incident as a data point that may or not be useful in the future.  Make your own decision about Hesha.  Do an amazing job as a manager and be above reproach.  Take extreme care to set up the beginning of the relationship by setting crystal clear goals with her and having regular one-on-one meetings to check in.  Make clear from the start that you see part of your job as giving feedback and that she should expect to get timely and specific feedback from you.  Tell her that she is also welcome to ask for feedback any time.  The more intentionally you set things up in the beginning, and the more clarity you provide, the less room there will be for suspicion.

Give it some time and trust your gut.  You’ll know the truth soon enough.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Blanchard has worked with a number of clients who are using this strategy along with external coaching for executives and senior leaders.

What are the must-have skills and qualities an HRBP needs to be an effective coach?

A desire to serve others. In the coaching world, we call this the C gene. It’s a coaching mindset that is bent toward facilitating learning and growth for others.

Formal training and practice in coaching skills. Anyone can call themselves a coach, but skilled coaching requires formal training and a lot of practice. Great coaches know that continuous learning—honing of the craft of coaching—makes us better able to serve our clients.

A clear directive. A qualified internal coach can answer these questions: Who do I serve? What are the expected outcomes? What responsibility do I have regarding working agreements with the client and the organization?  For example, if an internal coach is coaching an individual and also that person’s manager, whose agenda takes priority? What information can and cannot be shared?

The ability to compartmentalize. When we coach inside an organization, we hear all manner of stories that are juicy, relevant, inspiring, and horrifying.  An internal coach can keep it all in a box without judging the content. A coach is a vessel. We don’t judge. We serve.

Awareness of when to seek external support. Blanchard has trained coaching skills to hundreds of HRBPs in many different industries. HRBPs consistently say it’s hard to coach upward—that senior leaders and executives just won’t open up to an internal coach because it feels too risky.  We also hear that when the HRBP isn’t a good match for the person in need of coaching, the coaching doesn’t work. HRBPs who coach need to know when to leverage outside support.

A good coach can make all the difference for an individual, a department, and an organization.  It’s the thoughtful use of skills in the right place at the right time that will make the HR business partner successful in serving others.

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am fairly new to managing a large team in the property management industry. I was a team member for a long time. One of the reasons I was promoted was because I was a work horse. I have a lot of energy and was used to putting in ten- and twelve-hour days on a regular basis. I raced around in my truck going from task to task at different properties, helping people solve problems.

I really like the challenge of being a manager—but something has begun to worry me. I start at 7 a.m. and by 2 p.m. I am exhausted, even though I work from home most days. I’m on the phone in endless meetings dealing with strategy, budget, and gnarly personnel issues—and by the middle of the afternoon I’ve got nothing left.

What is happening to me? I am worried that my boss is going to think I am a slacker. Maybe I am not cut out for management? Help!

Out of Battery Power

Dear Out of Battery Power,

Okay, let’s review. You had a job that had constant variety, allowed you some nice mental breaks while driving around, and let you win several times a day because you knew what you were doing and got to interact with nice people who were grateful you showed up. Now you have a job that requires you to sit at a desk at home by yourself, engage in creative visualization of an uncertain future, crunch massive amounts of numbers and translate reality from them, and ponder and try to solve problems regarding the most complicated thing there is: people. What could possibly be wrong?

Your brain is tired, as well it should be. In your old job you got breaks, you spent time with people, and you got to solve solvable problems—which was fun! Now you probably get no breaks at all, you spend time alone, and you have to try to solve unsolvable problems. Also, you are new in the job so the learning curve feels brutal.

Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a little time to get your head around the job. And try these strategies to take better care of yourself and your brain.

• Get some exercise before you start for the day. You used to be in constant motion, which was clearly energizing for you. Even a walk around the block will improve the blood flow to your brain and increase your creative problem solving.
• Get a good headset so you can pace while on conference calls. You used to be on your feet a lot. Now you are an extension of your desk chair and it’s killing you slowly.
• Remember to eat breakfast and lunch. People who work from home seem to either eat constantly or forget to eat.
• Remember to stay hydrated. Research shows that dehydration can cause lightheadedness and confusion.
• Get out of the house during your workday. Going to a nearby park would be ideal, but at least sit on your front step. When you do this, don’t look at a screen—look at faraway things; a horizon line if at all possible. Gazing at a horizon releases a very specific kind of endorphin which increases our feelings of well-being. Try to have lunch with a friend or colleague at least twice a week. You will have to resist thinking about work, but it will make you more effective in the long run. Can you work from the office a couple of days a week? Do it if you can.
• Take tiny mental breaks throughout the day. You may not realize how many breaks were built into your day in your old job—moments when you were operating on auto pilot and your brain was essentially at rest. If you are in constant meetings from 7:00 to 2:00 with no breaks built in, your brain goes on tilt.
• If possible, do your more difficult tasks before 2 p.m. and leave everything that’s easy to deal with until later in the day. I once heard a senior executive say out loud that she didn’t schedule anything hard after 2 p.m. and I was impressed with her self-awareness and honesty. Her afternoons were reserved for reading, responding to email, and administrative tasks that she could do in her sleep.

I have yet to work with a manager or leader who gets the amount of “white space” they need to just think about everything that needs thinking about. Welcome to management! You may be fried by 2 p.m., but I would bet a paycheck that you never, ever stop thinking about your job now. Before, when you finished your shift, you were done for the day. Now your job is 24/7—so you need to learn how to pace yourself and settle in for the long haul.

Until you get actual feedback from your boss about your performance, stop wasting valuable mental energy judging yourself. Devote that energy to taking better care of yourself and I’m certain you’ll notice an increase in your mental stamina.

Give yourself a break—literally.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a VP of international sales in technology. We are a fast-paced and very lean startup, so we barely have any HR department and no employee manual yet—certainly no one who can help me with this.

I recently hired a young woman who is just great. She is smart, quick, she goes the extra mile, and she’s crushing her numbers and making friends in the organization. She is quickly becoming my secret weapon. But she has no idea how to dress.

Her taste in work clothing is wildly inappropriate. She dressed perfectly for the interview phase, but now the heels are sky high, the skirts are too short and tight, and the necklines are way too low. People’s eyes literally go wide when she walks by.

I am no fuddy-duddy. I don’t care how she dresses on her personal time. I just don’t want people to get the wrong idea about her. She is so smart and talented and I want to keep her from hurting herself professionally. But I feel the need to reel her in before clients start judging us for her lack of judgment.

What can I say and how can I say it without hurting her feelings or having her think I am somehow judging her or harassing her? I know people in the company have begun to talk about her. I need to do something about this fast.

Victoria’s Secret Not Welcome Here!

Dear Victoria’s Secret Not Welcome Here,

Well, there is some good news: she dressed appropriately for the interview, so you know she has some sense about what is suitable. You have that going for you.

You absolutely must give her feedback and make a clear request. Be clear, direct, and nonjudgmental, make a direct request, and give her a timeline for compliance. Let her know you think her work is terrific and this is not a reflection on her overall professionalism. If you have enough of a relationship, you might go so far as to note that you are partially motivated by your desire to see her succeed and grow as a professional and that you don’t want her choice of clothing to undermine others’ perceptions of her credibility and competence.

You have to have someone else with you in the meeting—preferably someone from HR, even if they are in benefits. If you really don’t have anyone, try to find a trustworthy female peer. This conversation needs to be private, but not hidden.

Your new star may very well have only one or two appropriate outfits and may be trying to get by with her regular wardrobe. Clothes are expensive, and it is time consuming to shop. You may consider offering her a wardrobe allowance so that she can get herself up to snuff quickly.

She may also be trying to express herself and build a brand, which is a thing these days. In this case you can acknowledge her strong sense of style, but say that you need to ask her to channel it. It is hard to get it right for women, but there are excellent sources for guidelines.

If you Google images of “professional attire for young women” you will find lots of helpful photos. You can suggest she find a couple of looks that suit her and build from there. You might also suggest a role model in your organization—a woman who dresses appropriately—if there is one.

Timeless rules of thumb exist for women who want to look impeccable at work. When I was first starting to work in the corporate environment, I had almost no professional clothes and I got feedback from my boss. “Your blouse has to have sleeves; your skirt needs to be no higher than 2 inches above the knee and your heels no higher than 2 inches.” I still remember it because it was so specific, and I have used it ever since. My boss was kind and nonjudgmental. I was embarrassed but I was grateful because I just didn’t know.

She may get defensive and that’s okay—just let her vent. Don’t get caught up in any drama. But you must be clear, direct, and neutral. Remind her that you are on her side and want nothing but success for her. Decide exactly what you are going to say in advance—and do not fall into the trap of discussing it. You will only get yourself into trouble. Tell her you are only going to give her this feedback once and you aren’t going to be the wardrobe police because you didn’t sign up for that job—but you expect to see some changes.

I expect this will do the trick. I sure hope so.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing a team in the insurance industry for the last fifteen years. There has been a lot of change—mostly reductions in staff size and increases in work load—but basically it is pretty much the same stuff, just a different day, and has been for a long time. 

My last kid will graduate this coming spring and already plans to travel the world working odd jobs to pay for it. All day long I dream of doing the same thing. I am actually envious of my kid.

I am so bored with my job that I literally dread going to work. I watch the clock all day. I used to care so much that I would take work home and work on weekends. Now I literally leave things undone, but either my boss doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. I had committed to myself to stick it out until retirement, but that is a good ten years from now. 

For a while I was just kind of asleep, but now it is feeling like a nightmare.

What to do?

Asleep

Dear Asleep,

In our business, we call this condition “quit and stayed.” You are not alone. There is something about human nature, especially for people of certain temperaments, that too much security and sameness puts us to sleep. Your business isn’t happy about it, even if you haven’t seen the evidence yet. If you are senior enough to have a big salary but you aren’t inspiring your people and going the extra mile, I guarantee you are in somebody’s sights. What I want for you is to be at choice so you can make the best decision for your immediate future before someone makes it for you.

I have two words for you. Wake up.

You have so many choices—with the two ends on the continuum being (A) stay and make it work and (Z) go travel the world. You can stay where you are and decide to re-engage: take some training, get interested in developing your people, get trained for a new role. You can craft a plan to leave: stay in your job, reduce your expenses, save up for a big adventure. You can volunteer, get involved with new committees at work, take up yoga. The beautiful thing about envy is that it gives you data about what your heart truly desires. If travel has seized your imagination, maybe you can get a transfer with your company and go do your job somewhere else.

It is possible you have lost sight of what is important to you and what your strengths are.You might take a look at the Values in Action assessment to re-connect with what makes you wonderful and what  is most important to you.

If you really can’t snap out of it by yourself, go talk to a professional. You may be suffering from depression and it has sapped you of all verve and imagination. One thing is for sure, though—if you aren’t already depressed, trying to stick it out with no changes for another ten years will certainly do the trick.

This situation is not your fault. It is part of being human. But now that you know the reality of the situation, you need to take action. Talk to your friends.Talk to a professional. Make a plan and follow through. Don’t put it off. This is your life, and I would hate for you to regret not having taken advantage of this moment of clarity.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

How quaint!

When it comes to interacting with others in today’s digital age, the telephone may seem like a relic from the past.  You may think coaching over the phone would be a poor substitute compared to face-to-face interaction.

But the truth is, phone coaching is awesome! Here’s why:

• You will be listened to—really listened to. When was the last time that happened?
• No travel, no fuss. You just call your coach as planned.  Close the door, walk a trail, or sit in your car.  Select a setting in which you can speak freely, and you and your coach will co-create an environment with words that will bring out your best.  The coaching conversation becomes your private oasis of professional development—and shoes are optional.
• On the phone, you have to use your words. This is powerful.  You’ll be forced to say what you mean.  Using only a telephone, you can’t posture, your coach can’t try to read your nonverbals, and you can’t mirror one another.  Instead, the power of words will be accentuated and underscored.
• You’ll experience the power of silence. A great coach doesn’t yammer in an attempt to offer options for what you might want to say. A great coach will wait for you to find the words.  You’re worth it.
• Your telephone coaching conversation is yours. It is all on you, all about you, and driven by you.  It is your time, your way.  Your coach will tell you what they’re hearing and what they’re not hearing: verbal feedback.  Again, when was the last time you got that on a consistent basis?
• Finally, with telephone coaching, someone will be hanging on your every word.

At Blanchard Coaching, we’ve been using the phone with more than 15,000 clients over the past 15 years for one key reason: phone coaching works!

Let us know if we can share more.  We’d love to talk about it!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently interned at a company where my project charter was to “create a competency based interview process and standard operating process for talent acquisition.”

My project guide, who is head of talent acquisition, asked me instead to create an interview evaluation sheet based on competencies that were already in place and a process document for talent acquisition at a basic level.

I found many major gaps in the existing system including outdated job descriptions, different formats, etc., so I created my own template—but my project guide was only interested in looking at the interview evaluation sheets.

My internship lasted two months. During my final review with the VP of human resources, I was asked about the other deliverables—the ones my guide stopped me from doing.  My project guide never told the VP that she didn’t ask me to do them. I lost the job opportunity with them because my project was incomplete. Another intern who was less qualified ended up getting a job instead, because her guide supported her.

I feel extremely hurt and depressed. The insights I had about this company were tremendous—but to save face for my project guide in front of her boss, I never mentioned this. My guide spent only five minutes giving me feedback. She never gave me areas for improvement; just kept saying I was doing excellent work. I wrongly assumed she would help me get this job.

Ms. Depressed

Dear Ms. Depressed,

I am so sorry you had such a rotten experience with your internship.  I am not going to spend a lot of time on what you could have done differently, but will illuminate some rules of thumb for the future.  No good will come of too much regret—or “shoulda, coulda, woulda” as they say—but there is much to be learned from this experience.

First things first. I understand this experience has set you back on your heels. But when you say you are hurt, it leads me to believe you are taking this experience personally.  Stop it. You just can’t take this kind of thing personally. You have your whole career ahead of you—and if you learn this lesson now, you will be much more likely to thrive.

Internships are always a bit of gamble.  You just don’t know what kind of a sponsor you are going to get.  I know it is a big stretch for me to be a decent boss for interns. I am used to managing professionals who really don’t need me at all.   Being a great boss for interns requires the inclination to teach, pay close attention, and give feedback.  Your guide apparently had little patience and zero generosity – I would even go so far as to say she was kind of a jerk where you were concerned.

My question to you is: what made you think it was your job to help her save face?  In the future, I would say you can always tell the truth without blame or judgment – it is not your job to lie to cover for anyone at any time.  You owed her nothing as far as I can tell. If we could rewind, I would have recommended you submit the work to the VP that you did for your original charter.  In fact, I recommend you go ahead now and submit to the VP your tremendous insights for the company and whatever other work you did.  You don’t have to say anything about your guide other than she wasn’t interested in your original charter, but you were, so you did the work anyway.  It probably won’t change anything—but what do you have to lose?

I am sorry you assumed your guide would have your back. She clearly didn’t.  In fact, I would say that in the future, you can never assume anyone will have your back unless you have direct evidence they will.  Cynical?  Probably, but very real.  Better to assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised when you are wrong than the other way around.

So, Ms. Depressed, pick yourself up off the floor and get back out there! Deploy your considerable smarts and work ethic and find a guide or a boss who will appreciate what you have to offer.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Many are service oriented and find joy in helping others achieve their dreams. Some enjoy the entrepreneurial aspect of owning their own business and having the freedom to work with as many or as few clients as they desire. Still others work in corporate organizations and have been tasked with coaching others.

Regardless of why one comes to coaching, the mindset of the coach is the foundation on which great coaching occurs. Here are three fundamental coaching beliefs to ensure your best possible mindset.

Trust that the person being coached is resourceful, capable, and brilliant. A coach’s job is to bring forth those qualities so that the client can move toward achieving their goal.

Believe that people can change. Even those most resistant to change can grow and learn. It is the job of the coach to believe for the client until they can believe on their own.

Show up fully present and ready to engage. The people you are coaching are overwhelmed, tired, scared, excited, nervous, joyful, distracted—sometimes all at once! As a coach, how you show up can make a huge difference.

Even when these beliefs are present, how do you create the proper mindset? A little bit of self coaching can go a long way. Here are five techniques that can help.

1. Take a deep breath. Now take another.
2. Ask yourself: “How do I want to show up for my client today?”
3. Read your notes, remind yourself of what your client is focused on, and be ready to discuss it.
4. Greet your client with joy. Look FORWARD to coaching!
5. Say to yourself: “My client is fabulous. We are going to have a great coaching session today!”

Think of a coaching mindset this way: it is a perpetuating reality that you create for yourself. You get to choose what to think and how to feel. That mindset then becomes part of what makes you a great coach!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I hate my job. I am just bored to tears. When I completed graduate school, I was recruited into what I thought was the perfect job for me—the job description was exactly what I was looking for. A year later, I am doing a ton of mindless administrative work and almost none of what was in the original job description.

I have tried to speak to my boss about this, but she says I need to pay my dues and that she will consider me for the next project that would suit my skills. In the meantime, my peers keep dumping their admin work on me.

I dread going to work. I have stopped going to the gym and I fear I am sliding into full-on depression, which I have a history with. It scares me. I would quit, but of course I have crushing student debt now. What do you think?

Bored to Tears, Maybe to Death

Dear Bored to Tears, Maybe to Death,

This is a terrible situation and I am so sorry. It must be really demoralizing to spend the money and make the big effort to complete an advanced educational program and then find yourself in a job that is killing your soul.

It sounds as if you are in a very bad way. Depression is no joke. I highly recommend that you find a therapist right now, I mean right this minute, to talk to and get some perspective. Given the details you provided, I suspect your company has an Employee Assistance Program and that you can probably get six sessions with a therapist. It will be totally private and will get you back on an even keel, back in the gym, and able to think straight. Exercise has been proven to be an excellent hedge against anxiety and depression, so get moving.

Once you have stopped the downward spiral, you will need to start an upward spiral. I hate to say it, but this probably involves looking for a new job. You may be able to make a go of it where you are now, but you would need to set a whole lot of boundaries and train everyone around you to see you in a new way.

Unfortunately, your boss and your peers have been getting away with treating you unfairly. I really don’t want to be mean, but people will continue unacceptable behavior as long as you allow it—and you have allowed it. Unless there was an upfront disclosure about having to pay dues with tasks that were not in your original job description, you seem to be the victim of some kind of bait-and-switch situation.

You didn’t say anything about salary, but I suspect they are underpaying you as well. And they will keep doing it as long as you put up with it. You may choose to have the hard conversation with your boss about how she needs to either upgrade all of your work assignments—now—or risk losing you. That conversation will go a whole lot better if you feel safe to leave, meaning you have another option.

The good news is that you have a graduate degree and a year’s worth of work experience under your belt. I think it is worth the push to brush up your resume and try hard to start over with a new organization and a new boss—who won’t take advantage of you because you won’t let them.

Get into action. In this order:

1. Get immediate help. Talk to a therapist, talk to friends, go to the gym.
2. Once stable, start applying for other jobs.
3. Use the new job possibility as leverage to fix your current situation; or simply walk away from people who do not have your back and go toward people who do.

It is really hard to stand up for yourself, Bored TTMTD, so you are going to need a lot of support. You are going to want to nurture your inner warrior. You might consider looking at Amy Cuddy’s work—her book is Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. The validity of some of her research has been challenged, but that does not diminish the power of her experience and work helping people who feel powerless to rise to a difficult occasion.

I am glad you wrote. I am sorry you are in such a rough spot. Get help. Now.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I just started a new position with an organization that is pretty young in the association world. I accepted the job because everyone gets along really well and works as a team to accomplish yearly goals.

This type of culture is something I didn’t experience at my previous place of employment, but I was intensely craving it.  

I am in a leadership role and am responsible for creation and development of programs. My position is fairly new and the person who held it before me is still with the company. 

Here are my questions: 

• I love the close bond everyone has with each other, but it’s hard to see where I fit in with the team. Everyone has strengthened their bond over time and there is no way I can catch up. We have fewer than 10 people in the office. How do I develop relationships with everyone when it appears cliques are already established? 
• There is a ton of ambiguity in my position since it’s fairly new. What questions should I ask to get a clear understanding of expectations? 
• When is too soon to make organization recommendations? From an outsider’s perspective, I see a couple of things that if changed would benefit the organization. However, I’ve been on board for less than four months.  

Looking for Friends 

Dear Looking for Friends,

First, congratulations on finding the culture you’ve been looking for. It sounds like you have a terrific opportunity to thrive and make an impact. Now to your excellent questions.

Don’t worry about making friends—instead, seek to create amicable and productive working relationships. This will take the pressure off you and everyone else. The people who will end up being your friends will emerge as a byproduct of you being yourself and producing great results over time. You can’t force it.

Since it is such a small office, I’d suggest asking each person for a one-on-one meeting—either an official in-office meeting, or a coffee or a beer. Start with each person by asking about them, their role, and their goals, which will help you understand how to support others in achieving their goals while you pursue your own. Then ask them what they love about their jobs and what they think their strengths are. This will help you know who to go to for help in ways they will appreciate. This part of the meeting will endear you to just about everyone—because you can’t underestimate how delighted people are to talk about themselves!

After that, to find out about their expectations of you, ask simple questions like:

• If I am successful in this role, what will we have in six to nine months that we don’t have yet?
• What do you think a home run would look like?
• Is there anything I should not be focusing on?
• What can I do to make your job easier?
• What do you think I need to know?

Listen carefully, take notes, don’t argue with what you think are terrible ideas, and don’t make any promises. Do brainstorm around ideas you think have merit, ask questions, and say thank you.

You should definitely spend some time with the person who previously had your job—and make sure you understand what their hopes and dreams are for the role.

Now let be me clear: I am not suggesting you actually have to do everything people think you should do. You may decide to do some things based on these conversations, and you can give credit to whoever’s idea it was, but mainly you are getting to know people, developing relationships, and acquiring a bird’s eye perspective of how you can add value to the organization.

While you are at it, let each person know they can always feel free to come to you with further ideas or feedback. So now you have opened a door and made sure people know it will stay open.

Presumably, your boss has given you some clue as to what is expected of you. If not, after all of your interviews, you can formulate your own thoughts about priorities and run them by your boss to make sure you are on the same page. Then you will have a plan you can feel good about.

Regarding how soon is too soon to make recommendations, now is definitely too soon. There is nothing like fresh eyes for uncovering inefficiencies or outmoded processes. That’s what makes it so hard to keep your mouth shut. But if you are smart, you will do exactly that. Over time—and there is no rule of thumb about how much time—you will understand why things are done in certain ways. You will be right about some of the potential changes, but you will have to earn the right to voice a strong opinion. How? By keeping your head down, being easy to work with, and doing excellent work. When you begin adding unquestioned value to the organization, people will ask you for your opinion and you won’t have to worry if it is welcome or not!

As you move forward to craft your action plan and launch yourself into execution, make sure you include many people in your plans and activities. Before you know it, people will be coming to you to share ideas and get input on their projects, good things will start happening, and you will be “in.” Stay focused on your work and you won’t even notice it happening—you will just wake up one day and realize that it has.

So happy for you. I am sure you will be brilliant and have as many friends as you need.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I can’t get what I need. My boss doesn’t understand me. My organization’s systems don’t work. I don’t have the resources I need. My job doesn’t take advantage of my strengths. No one appreciates me. My boss micromanages me. There’s no room for me to grow. They don’t understand how much I could be contributing if only they’d give me a chance.

If you’re human, I imagine you’ve thought or invoked one of these statements. I know I have.

Even though we may be able to justify these types of statements, they often reflect our own assumed constraints: beliefs that allow us to escape personal accountability and fall victim to circumstances or the actions of others. In the new Self Leadership program I co-created with Ken Blanchard and Laurence Hawkins, we teach that self leadership is about having the mindset and skillset to accept responsibility and take initiative.

While it is wonderful to learn how to ask for the direction and support you need to be successful in your role, it’s also important to remember that when something goes wrong, there’s no one else to blame.

The Hard Truths about Self Leadership

• Sometimes you misdiagnose your competence. Not knowing what you don’t know can be dangerous. Enthusiasm and high commitment are blessings, but don’t mistake them for high competence. Self leaders are able to appreciate where they are on the learning curve, diagnose their development level on a goal, and recognize the times and tasks where they need direction. Self leaders also have the wisdom to ask how to do something they’ve never done before.
• You have to ask for feedback. One of the most important habits of a self leader is proactively asking for feedback every day instead of waiting to get it. Recent research suggests people are more likely to listen to feedback when they have asked for it. And neuroscience shows the brain is more ready to integrate feedback when it’s asked for and received at a time that is most relevant to the learner.
• The best person to solve your problems is you. Nobody knows your problems better than you do. With experience, the best person to solve a problem is the person who identifies it. Self leaders go beyond problem spotting to proactive problem solving, which has been shown to reduce workplace stress and result in higher energy at the end of the day.
• You must stop blaming others. Even if your manager is ineffective, dismissive, or a micromanager, you need to build on the positive direction and support you do get from them—and manage up or around to get what you still need to succeed. When you take the lead in regular one-on-one meetings with your boss and ask for what you need, you may discover they simply weren’t aware of those needs.

Who Benefits from Self Leadership?

At an organizational level, recent research shows that the most important key to successful initiatives in organizations is the proactive behavior of individual contributors—self leaders who have the ability to accept responsibility and take the initiative to make change happen.

At an individual level, self leadership helps you liberate yourself from the perceived tyranny of organizational life, which frees you from assumed constraints that can limit the quality of your work experience. Being able to respond effectively to everyday challenges can be personally and professionally rewarding.

The responsibility for your success at work falls to you. The good news is that you have a choice. Is developing the mindset and skillset required to be a self leader worth your effort? Yes! A not-so-hard truth: the benefits of self leadership are as good for you as they are for your organization.

About the Author

Susan Fowler is the co-author of the newly revised Self Leadership and The One Minute Manager with Ken Blanchard and Laurence Hawkins and lead developer of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Self Leadership product line. She is also the author of the bestseller, Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work… and What Does. Susan is a Senior Consulting Partner at The Ken Blanchard Companies and a professor in the Master of Science in Executive Leadership Program at the University of San Diego.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a young, new manager at a large health food grocery. I love the company, I love the job, and I am really learning a lot about being a new manager.  Here is my problem: when I joined the company as a cashier, I told one of my friends about my new job and she was hired about two weeks after me. 

I got along really well with my manager and she started moving me around the store to work in different departments. Six months later I was asked to manage a team. 

My friend is still at the cash register and seems to be quite angry with me.  When I first started getting moved around the store for training, she made snarky comments about my being a brown-noser, etc. Now she has stopped speaking to me and looks the other way any time I come near her. I am crushed.  I don’t know how to fix this and I think I am losing my friend.

Sad to Lose a Friend

Dear Sad,

Interestingly, I received a letter from a person who is in something like your friend’s position, watching her friend who was hired roughly at the same time rise to meteoric success in her company. In her case, she watched her friend shamelessly kiss up to management and actually sabotage other colleagues to make herself look better.

So, even though my knee-jerk reaction to your letter is “With friends like that, who needs enemies?” I must ask whether it is possible that you played a part in your friend’s turning away from you.  In your self-examination, ask yourself a couple of hard questions and be brutally honest:

• Have I been disingenuous with my boss and others to make myself more appealing?
• Have I ever thrown others under the bus to make myself look better?
• Do I gossip—divulge confidential information to people who have no business knowing?

If you find that you do have something to be sorry for, go to your friend and apologize and tell her that you want to do whatever it takes to make things right.

Even if you can’t think of something you have done wrong, you can ask your friend to help you understand why she is turning away from you.  She may actually tell you, and you can discuss it.  If she is not willing to work things out, however, she is no friend to you and you are going to have to chalk up your losses and move on.

Without a realistic motive for her rather extreme behavior, I think of this as “small town syndrome.” Most cultures have a name for this phenomenon where people feel confused, threatened, and alienated when someone else has success and perhaps grows into someone different from who they used to be.  It is lonely and very sad.

But at least acknowledging the truth will allow you to make new friends who are confident enough in their own abilities that they can be supportive of yours. Ultimately, your quality of life will depend on surrounding yourself with friends who love you and are rooting for your success at every turn. Go find some of those.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Blanchard points to research that shows most managers don’t receive that necessary training, however, until they are about ten years into their managerial career.

“The effects are damaging at both an individual and organizational level,” says Blanchard. “More than 60 percent of new managers underperform or fail in their first two years.  And those who survive without managerial training often find themselves with negative habits that are hard to break—which can hold them back for years to come.”

With over two million new people stepping up to leadership for the first time each year in the US alone, Blanchard believes organizations need to take management training a lot more seriously.

“It is very important that those responsible for organizational training put together an effective curriculum for developing people into trusted professional managers. As a professional manager, you are responsible for what your direct reports do, and to some degree, how they feel—especially the emotional connection they establish with their job and the company.”

While some people’s influence and communication skills come naturally, every manager can learn and develop the skills they need regardless of their starting point, says Blanchard.

“Some people naturally understand how to work with others collaboratively and how to build rapport, while others come to leadership from a less developed starting point. But you still need a system if you are going to succeed as a manager. It’s something everyone can benefit from.”

According to Blanchard, all great managers do four things:

“Great managers begin by establishing clarity for their people through clear goals, accountability, and personal responsibility.  Second, they intervene appropriately when things are going well—and when things aren’t going well. Third, they adapt their leadership style to what is needed by appropriately identifying a direct report’s development level on a task and then modifying their style to best serve the direct report at that stage.

“Finally, great managers know how to create long term, long lasting relationships that are evidenced by trust and engagement over time.  This results in people who stay with the organization, talk positively about the organization to others, and perform at high levels in a collaborative manner.”

Blanchard explains that effective managers connect the dots between the work of the person, the work of the unit, and the work of the organization as a whole. They understand the correlation of action, motivation, and commitment. They successfully manage both performance and employee satisfaction.

“Great managers help people see the bigger picture from whatever seat they occupy,” says Blanchard, “and that can be a challenge.  People’s careers rise and fall and managers need to be there with coaching skills to help people through the ups and downs—even when there isn’t a clear path forward.

“These powerful skills almost always have to be developed through training—and once learned, they can help people focus and find a way forward in any situation.”

Interested in learning more about designing a leadership development curriculum for the managers in your organization? Join us for a free webinar!

Creating an Effective Leadership Development Curriculum—3 Essential Components

Online—July 25, 2017 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

Great managers aren’t born—they’re trained. In this webinar, best-selling business author and consultant Scott Blanchard identifies the essential ingredients of a comprehensive leadership development program, starting with a first-time manager curriculum and moving through intermediate and advanced skills managers need to bring out the best in people.

Drawing on his company’s experience successfully training hundreds of thousands of managers for more than thirty years, Blanchard will share:

• Four communication skills and four conversations new managers need to master
• Three goal setting, diagnosing, and matching skills intermediate level managers need to learn
• Four specialized coaching skills that help advanced managers cope with management situations that are shifting or otherwise uncertain

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn how to put together a proven leadership development program in your organization!

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Dear Madeleine,

I run the office of compliance for the parent company of a large financial institution. We are attorneys, paralegals, and accounting professionals.

About a year ago, my boss was fired and I was made interim head of compliance. I’ve received no title change and no substantial raise, but they keep throwing stock at me. The organization is publicly traded and the CEO is all about shareholder value.

Since our growth has slowed, there has been a focus on the other way to constantly increase the bottom line: cutting headcount. As a result, I am now running on fumes with a skeleton staff and there is simply too much work for my team to do.

The challenge is that this entire house of cards depends on compliance. If a mistake is made—and it’s only a matter of time before it happens—it will be on me. I have spoken to the head of HR about this several times. Although he is sympathetic, the basic message is “Do the job or we will find someone else to do it.”

My people are past burnout, my hair has gone gray, and I am up at night with heart palpitations. I am ready to just walk away but it would really hurt the company, at least in the short term. My spouse is sick of my complaining and is ready to trim costs and do what is needed for me to jump ship and find a more reasonable job.

The problem? I can’t stand the thought of leaving unvested equity, worth quite a sum, on the table. I feel like a prisoner.

Gone Gray

Oh Gone Gray,

Please read your letter, out loud, to yourself. Or have someone else read it out loud to you so that you can hear yourself. You are an actual prisoner—of your own greed. Sorry. That is such an ugly word and it sounds so judgmental. But, as my mother used to say, “If the shoe fits…”

I do not actually judge you or fault you. You are only human, and this is a very human response to the possibility of big money. People stay in awful marriages and sell their souls in countless ways for big money. People spend their last dollar on lottery tickets when they should be buying milk for the kids because of the mirage of big money. Fairy tales, myths, half of Shakespeare’s plays, and a large percentage of all literature are devoted to the examination of the situation you are in right now.

What you need to do is simple but not necessarily easy: you must decide what is more important to you. Is it having a nice, fun job where you can succeed with a reasonable stress level? Or is it the promise of big money? There is one person—and one person only—who holds the key to the cell you are in.

Sorry to be the big meanie here; I really am. But a heart attack will be much meaner. I guarantee it.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I’ve witnessed many amazing transformations as individuals altered their mindset related to power, explored their points of power, and proactively created positive change.

This transformation begins by recognizing an important truth about power: not realizing our own points of power may be one of our greatest assumed constraints.

When I talk to people about power at work, they often tell me they don’t really have any power.  That’s because they think about power through a very narrow focus on position power—having the title or authority to make certain decisions such as to hire or fire, to go or no-go, or to establish budgets.

But position power is only one of five types of power we all have at work.  The others are:

Task power—having control over a task or job and doing it well, such as

• A shipping clerk who consistently sends correct products on time
• A front desk greeter or phone receptionist who creates positive first impressions with customers
• A social media administrator who increases awareness of the company

Personal power—having interpersonal and leadership skills, passion, inspiration, or a positive personal vision of the future, such as

• Someone who is a charismatic charmer or socially adept
• A likable or agreeable person who conveys a positive outlook
• An individual who is determined and persistent without being aggressive or self-serving

Relationship power—being connected or friendly with other people who have power, such as

• An individual contributor who has a well-respected mentor
• Someone with an active business network
• A person with long-term and trusting friendships in the workplace

Knowledge power—having relevant experience, expertise, or credentials, such as

• Someone who has experience or is an expert in a field, such as an IT or HR specialist
• An individual with a certification or degree, such as an MBA or project management certification
• Someone who knows the organization’s history, understands its culture, or is politically savvy about how things work

Let me share a story about the way one person without much position power was able to leverage the other types of power.

Pete was a shy, quiet, and rather passive graphic artist who was tied to his computer within the company’s graphics department. After exploring the five potential points of power during a Self Leadership workshop, he acknowledged he had knowledge and task power—he was masterful at using graphics programs and designing materials that his clients loved. He also realized he lacked position, personal, and relationship power.

Pete activated his knowledge power by setting up free lunchtime classes for coworkers who didn’t have access to computer training. He built meaningful relationship power while he practiced communication skills that enhanced his personal power.

The president of the company heard about the classes and asked Pete to personally tutor him. The president learned that Pete was a fitness advocate, and soon Pete was also supervising a light workout after each of their computer sessions.

Instead of focusing on the position power he didn’t have, Pete leveraged the knowledge, task, relationship, and personal power he did have. As a result, his confidence and sense of self-worth grew dramatically. He eventually became the manager of more than 20 people in the graphics department—and an advisor to the new head of IT.

Don’t fret about not having position power. Recognize that you have access to four other points of power—task, personal, relationship, and knowledge power—you can use to achieve your goals. Strategically use the power you have to activate power you don’t have. It’s one of the best ways to do more good for yourself and others.

About the Author

Susan Fowler is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies and the coauthor of Blanchard’s new Self Leadership program.  You can learn more about Susan and The Ken Blanchard Companies at http://www.kenblanchard.com

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP of strategy and shareholder value for a billion dollar global conglomerate. I have been working with a coach for the last six months and she has made a huge difference in terms of helping me prioritize, focus, and develop more powerful relationships. Things have been going so well that I am now seriously being considered to replace the CFO when he retires, which will be soon. Also in the running is our comptroller, who is a very bright and very powerful person.

I just found out the coach I am working with has been tapped to also work with this comptroller—essentially my competition. I feel that my secret weapon has been stolen from me and my coach has betrayed me by agreeing to take on the job. I am so mad that I’m thinking of firing my coach—but I really like her and trust her, so I worry that I am being childish. What do you think?

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

You may be being childish, but from a social neuroscience standpoint, when something feels unfair we are all reduced to acting like four-year-olds. So you are not to be blamed, honestly. However, let’s make sure you can experience your feelings, get back to your very rational self, and proceed like the grownup you actually are.

The only thing for you to do is to have a conversation with your coach. Does your coach know you perceive the comptroller as your competition? You will want to know what the coach’s rationale is for her decision to work with both of you. Presumably she is well trained and thoughtful and has given this some thought either way. I do know that for most coaches, the practice of working with both a boss and a direct report is frowned upon as it is very difficult to keep out of the mix. But we often work with peers, many of whom have the same goals for advancement and promotion. It really doesn’t make a difference, though, because coaching is always focused on the person being coached: leveraging their strengths, their needs, what is in their way, etc. We share the just-in-time concepts that are going to support the client at the moment they need it. No decent coach would ever use any knowledge of others they are working with to help another client get the upper hand. The coach will always hold the truth that the only person you are competing with at any given moment is yourself. You can certainly share how you feel with your coach and see what she has to say.

As you have the conversation with your coach, check your gut. Ask yourself, “Do I still trust this person to have my best interests at heart?” If the answer is yes, then carry on with her. If the answer is I don’t know, have one more session with that question top of mind and then decide. If the answer is no, then fire your coach and ask for another one to work with. I am sure your coach is great, but frankly, any trained and certified coach who has been vetted by your company will be totally competent and able to continue where the last coach left off. Who knows, you might find someone even better!

Clients do get attached to their coaches, but here is one thing to keep in mind: The coach is only as good as the client. What clients get attached to, really, is how competent and brilliant they feel with just a teeny bit of good coaching. So the thing for you to know is that the person who is doing so well in this situation is you. Help is useful only to people who know how to ask for it and avail themselves of it. So don’t worry, Betrayed, there are plenty of secret weapons out there because you know how to use them. You have everything at your disposal that you need to compete.

Go get that job, if that is what you really want—with your current coach, a new coach, or no coach at all.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a new manager of a large team in retail.  The work is fast and furious and involves constant running around and heavy customer service.  I have no complaints except one.  How do you do your life when you work like a fiend with no coming up for air during regular working hours? 

My people are struggling with this, and so am I.  How do you deal with getting your refrigerator fixed, going to the dentist, and signing papers for a new apartment?

I try to jam things into my fifteen-minute breaks, but I find that just one phone call to the cable company takes longer than that.  I am trying to be a grownup and take care of things, but I am finding it really difficult.  Is there something I don’t know?  What do other people do?

Trying to Do Life

Dear Trying to Do Life,

Boy, do I hear you.  In my hunt for good answers, I have to tell you I came up with—not a whole lot.  People have all kinds of bright ideas about life/work balance but not many on just managing the logistics of life.

But I do have a couple of ideas for you.  The reoccurring themes you will see are to be hyper-organized, plan scrupulously, and get help.

• Figure out everything you want to get fixed or cleaned. Plan it way ahead and schedule all of it on the same day so that you can do it on a day off. Get your appliances serviced, get your carpets and windows cleaned, and get Amvets to show up to cart away everything you are getting rid of—all on the same day that you know will be your day off.
• Find service providers who work evenings and weekends. Cultivate your relationships with them.
• Make friends with a neighbor who has a different work schedule than you do and agree to be each other’s at-home-for-emergencies person. Or trade off with a friend.
• Check out sites like TaskRabbit to get extra help when you need it. You can hire a person to come and hang out at your house all day and manage the people coming in and out who are doing stuff.
• If you live in a city, use a messenger or courier service to get documents back and forth for signing.
• Use professionals—financial, legal and real estate—who offer digital signature capability.
• Use your lunch hour to get things done—it sounds like you might be skipping yours.

Also, I recommend that you don’t ever have kids and don’t ever get sick.

(Haha! Just kidding!  But not really.)

This is the part of your life where you learn how to manage all the dumb and boring but critical stuff that needs to get done before you add on to it with impossible stuff.  Seriously, the one absolutely non-negotiable job requirement for me once I had kids was flexibility—because my partner had none.  Someone in the house has to have some, or you just go nuts.

And I know you can’t really avoid getting sick, but you can reduce your chances by taking care of yourself. This means adding that to the after-hours list, no matter what it looks like.  It is my experience that people who manage to get it all in and build their future do not waste time on anything—like TV or mindless social media surfing—that has no added value.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Wondering what people want to talk about most often during times of uncertainty? And how coaching can help? Below are a few common topics managers discuss with their coach when things get stressful.

Managing emotions. A coach creates a safe environment to encourage a manager to deeply self-reflect about his or her true thoughts and feelings. Discussions will center on what is causing the emotion and how to manage it. A coach will also help the manager identify resources and strategies to help control the emotion.

Executive presence. In order to minimize the uncertainty that comes with change, a manager’s attitude, poise, body language, agility, and patience are key. A coach will help a manager gain clarity on how they need to show up in order to lead effectively.

Communication. To build trust and lessen concerns during uncertain times, it is crucial for a manager to be as transparent as possible with information. Direct reports experience several levels of concern during change that a manager needs to address, such as “What is causing the change?” “How will the change impact me?” or “How do I manage all the details?” A coach will support a manager in creating a communication plan and being an effective listener.

Lack of control. A coach will help a manager gain clarity over what is and is not within his or her control. Discussions will center on how to be impactful, influential, and forward focused.  This allows a manager broaden his or her perspective and think differently managing in uncertainty. The coach will support the manager in being creative and finding ways to remain effective and be a guide, leader, and resource for direct reports and colleagues.

All of us deal with self-doubt and uncertainty when faced with turbulent times. A coach can often act as a calming influence and help us find alternatives and resources we might not be able to find for ourselves.

How about you? Have you tried to go it alone? For those who are open to it, a coach can provide an extra layer of individualized one-on-one support for leaders at every level.

About the Author
Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am currently in an unfulfilling job. I also have digestive health issues that are not being resolved through diet and supplements.

I am a creative person and I long to travel. I currently want to leave my job and travel around the world to heal and to write about my experiences—a blog first, a book later.

But I have fears about financially surviving; about what will happen when I return from my travels; about my safety on the road; about not being able to get rid of my health issues; and even about how to write a book. How do I get past the fear and take the leap?

Afraid to Take the Leap

Dear Afraid to Take the Leap,

Oh, I hear your cry for freedom and it resonates deeply. But I’m torn between focusing on your fears and simply yelling “Go now before it’s too late!”

Obviously, I can’t tell what to do. Here is what I can tell you. You have a vision that leaving your job and traveling will be part of your healing process. You may think this kind of inspiration or calling is something that happens to people all the time. I can assure you this is not the case. In my experience there is a lot to be gained from heeding inner wisdom like this.

But there is no getting past fear. And while fear is designed to keep you from making stupid mistakes, the trick is to not let it also keep you from your heart’s desire.

All of your fears are well founded. Use them to help you prepare. Let’s take one at a time.

• Use your financial fears to ensure that you save up, sock away a reserve, and proceed frugally. Your worry about where you will land once you are done with your travels will guide you to set up some options for a soft landing.
• Safety on the road? Well, yes, that is reasonable; the world is frightening. Ask yourself what would make you feel safer. Finding travel companions? Taking a self-defense class?
• Your health problems may not be resolved; that’s true. The fact is that they may never go away, so you need to be prepared for that. But at least you know for sure that what you’ve already tried hasn’t worked. What can it hurt to try other things?
• Finally, you should be terrified by the idea of writing a book. I can tell you from personal experience that the only way to figure out how to write a book is to start writing.

There. Still scared? Sure you are. Because that was only the tip of the iceberg, right? The thing to do with fear is welcome it into your life. Make a list of every single fear you have and do everything you can to reasonably protect yourself from worst case scenarios.

Who knows what kinds of responsibilities you are going to assume in the future—spouse, children, aging parents? I always think part of my job as a coach is to work with people toward their having as few regrets as possible at the end of their lives. So maybe the question to ask yourself is Which choice would I regret most in five years: maintaining status quo or going for the big vision? There is a good chance that if you don’t seize the moment now for your grand adventure, you will regret it.

I am very much influenced by a lovely TED Talk that a friend shared with me recently. It is by Amy Krouse, a wonderful artist and writer who died of cancer last month at 51. Her talk is called “7 Notes on Life.” I wrote them down and taped them to my wall. The seven points, represented as notes on a musical scale, are:

• Always trust the magic
• Beckon the lovely (Amy said “I tend to believe whatever you decide to look for, you will find. Whatever you beckon will eventually beckon you.”)
• We are all Connected
• Do (take action)
• Cultivate Empty space
• Figure it out as you go
• Go to what makes you come alive

She did the talk in 2010, long before she knew that she would die of ovarian cancer in 7 years. I can only imagine that she lived by this code and sure was glad she did when it was all cut short.

You sound like a smart, rational person who would first prepare properly and then, in fact, be able to figure things out as you go. I always encourage my clients—and my children, for that matter—to keep moving toward the heat. But I like the way Amy says it: “Go to what makes you come alive.” How can that be a bad idea?

I am clearly biased on this one. It is my nature. That being said, if you decide not to leap, at the very least go find yourself a job that is fulfilling. Please let me know what you decide.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I was surprised at how few responses I got on this particular question—because I have so many on my list.

This possibly could be because I started coaching before there were any books about coaching. So I turned to other disciplines for guidance.

The Career Counselor’s Handbook by Howard Figler and Richard N. Bolles.

JoAnne Maynard, PCC, Blanchard staff coach, says: “There is so much great coaching advice in this book, which is not a coaching book, that it surprised me.  Neither author is technically a coach, but they present many key principals coaches can use.”

A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon.

Renee Freedman, MCC, former director of the SupporTED Coaching Program, offers: “This is a lovely book about our emotional system and how we connect with others—recognition, resonance, and revision. It is a great book for people who want to build relationships and intimacy or to understand chemistry.”

The Agony and the Ecstasy by Irving Stone.

This is the surprising suggestion from Tony Klingmeyer, MCC, executive coach and past president ICF–GA.   Tony says this book “inspires about the lengths one must travel to be masterful at one’s art or craft.”

Several folks volunteered that the Bible had made a significant impact on their coaching, in that so many of the teachings seem to represent universal laws, such as ask and you shall receive.

The books that have made the biggest difference for me are these:

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.

Several other people chose this book as well.  Renee Freedman said “I cannot imagine coaching without this book as a referral to my clients. It’s so great for so many things—self care, exploration, creativity, a process for transformation and transition, inner awareness and connection.”  I agree.  I have lost count of how many times I have recommended Julia Cameron’s practices to clients who need to reconnect with their creative selves.

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

Csikszentmihalyi (whose name is pronounced Me-high Chick-sent-me-high in case you were wondering—and now you can impress your friends) is known as one of the pioneers of positive psychology and has written many books worth checking out. This was an early entrant to the conversation about what we now think of “getting into the zone.”   It is not a mass-market read, but if you are interested in the science of optimal productivity this could be for you.

Creating Minds by Howard Gardner.

This was my introduction to Gardner’s work, and to be fair, my first coaching company was devoted to creative geniuses.  However, I would submit that anyone who is chasing a dream is a creative force.  This work examines the lives of brilliant innovators who essentially created entirely new domains or art forms—Picasso, Freud, Stravinsky, Einstein, Graham, and others—looking for common threads.  Gardner noted what he called the ten-year rule (which pre-dated Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours hypothesis [http://gladwell.com/outliers/the-10000-hour-rule/]), evidenced by most true innovators spending ten years mastering their domain before breaking through to a completely revolutionary new one.   Gardner has also researched and written extensively on multiple intelligences, which is extremely useful for coaches who need to ask not if the client is smart, but how the client is smart.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Coaches often collect and share what one might think of as universal laws, and this book offers some of these based on ancient Toltec wisdom. The agreements are: Be Impeccable with Your Word, Don’t Take Anything Personally, Don’t Make Assumptions  and  Always Do Your Best. Don’t let this keep you from the book, because there is a lot more to offer than just the agreements. But I mean, seriously, how can anyone go wrong adopting these rules?

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

Okay, I know, it is hokey as all get out.  But I was so moved by it that I gave it to all of my clients for the holidays in 1990.  It is simply a fable about a young man following his dream, and his classic hero’s journey.  It is a fun and easy read for those who don’t like to read.  People who decide to work with a coach do it because they have a dream that they are not moving toward for various and sundry reasons, all of which show up in the story.  There is plenty of inspiration here.

Leadership and The New Science by Meg Wheatley.

About 23 years ago, I asked my new friend Alexander Caillet, who is now the CEO of Corentus [http://www.corentus.com/founder/ ], what one book he thought I should read and this was it. It absolutely rocked my world for a host of different reasons, but mainly for helping me understand that chaos is essential before order can be achieved.   Wheatley was one of the first to borrow ideas drawn from quantum physics, chaos theory, and molecular biology and apply them to leadership and organizational strategy.  It was revolutionary at the time, and pretty much still is.

The Four Fold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary by Angeles Arrien.

Arrien researched leaders and change agents in indigenous cultures and found that despite radical differences in culture and customs, they all did four things in common.  This alone is worth the price of the book.  However, she also provides some excellent ideas on how to develop oneself if one identifies with any of the roles in the title.  I have lost count of how many times I have bought this book and given it away.

The Pleasure of Finding Things Out by Richard Feynman.

It is one of minor tragedies of my life that I just don’t have the right brain to do physics, because I absolutely love physics.  But Richard Feynman is a genius who can discuss physics in a way that people like me can actually understand, and along the way address fascinating topics like creativity and even thinking itself.  The sheer beauty of the way he is able to get to simplicity on the other side of complexity is spellbinding.

A Theory of Everything by Ken Wilbur.

Ken Wilbur is not for everyone. He is a true philosopher who has spent his entire life thinking about how things really work.  He has created elegant models that visually represent all of his logic. His work is guaranteed to expand and broaden your thinking and make it more likely that, as a coach, you will be able to understand pretty much anyone you work with.

That’s my list. What’s on your bookshelf?  Please add books you’d recommend in the comments section below!

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am regular reader and a fan. I’m about to graduate from my grad school program. You talk a lot about the importance of networking. I feel like I’ve been somewhat insulated from the reality and necessity of building a network and was wondering if you could give me some ideas of what I should be doing.

All the ideas I have heard so far make me feel awkward.

Novice Networker

Dear Novice,

Thank you so much for the kind words—they mean a lot to me!

Although I know for sure that building, nurturing, and leveraging a network of relationships is critical to success, I am by no means the expert on how to do this. The guy who is the expert is Keith Ferrazzi, who wrote Never Eat Alone and recently came out with an updated and expanded version. The title alone tells the story—which I hate, because I really cherish eating alone. My idea of a perfect lunch is sitting at my desk and watching a TED talk, so the fact that I crave quiet time may make me well suited to share some ideas.

Let’s start with the word. Stop using the word network and replace it with the word relationships. I used to think business was some mysterious thing that people in suits did until I heard it defined as “the exchange of a product or service between people.” So when I talk about networking, I am really referring to simply paying attention to your relationships—the ones you have, the ones you would like to have, and the ones you need to have.

Start with the ones you have. Ask yourself To what extent have I really stayed in touch and built connections with the people I already know? Liking someone’s post on Facebook doesn’t count. Picking up the phone and making a date to have coffee, to watch a game, or to take a walk—those all count. You actually have to put yourself out there. So, yes, it is work. Treat it that way.

Stay in touch. Tell people when you move. Keep your snail mail address up to date with folks. Young people typically are terrible at this, but it helps people who care about you keep track of where you are in space—especially if you move to a place where you already know people. When you graduate, send a card with the news and where you are going to anyone whose actual address you can muster. You will be one of two people in your class who do this.

When you meet a new person, follow up with them. Connect on social media, obviously, but also get actual contact information so you can email links to articles or a great TED talk you think might interest them. I met an amazing guy on a train once and told him about my favorite magazine. I ended up sending him a whole pile of back issues. It didn’t cost much and I made a new—and, as it turned out, very influential—friend.

I may sound like your mother, but if you have an interview or someone does you any kind of favor, send them a handwritten thank you note. And then let them know where you land. I have become an interviewer for my alma mater, Georgetown University, and I am astonished at the lack of follow-up from my interviewees. I spent an hour of my time which each of them, and I have not gotten a single thank you note. I’m pretty sure none of them will think to contact me when they are accepted somewhere to let me know where they have decided to attend. The reality is that I fell in love with each and every one of them and would do anything in my power to help them. For them, I will forever be an untapped resource.

All this is to say that you never know where help is going to come from. People generally love to help if they can. Neuroscience research shows that pleasure centers in the brain light up more when we give than when we receive. Sure, there are some jerks out there, but don’t let them stop you from reaching out to the people who are on your side.

I am often asked what introverts can do to overcome how hard it is to extend oneself in social situations and get to know people. This is a tough one. I think you just have to gut it out. Being an introvert is not an excuse to avoid other human beings—you just have to think of it as work. And you will actually meet some people you like and want to spend more time with. Some tips for this:

• Set yourself a goal to meet 3 or 5 or 7 people—whatever number you think will be a stretch but not impossible. Once you have met your people, you can leave. Boom. You’re done. Get cards, get contact info, and follow up in the quiet privacy of your home.
• Get out of your own head—probably a very active and scary place in social circumstances. To do this, breathe deeply and feel the soles of your feet on the floor. It works. Try it.
• Get the attention off of yourself. Part of why social situations are so stressful is that you think people are judging you. They aren’t. Every person is worried about what you are thinking about them. We are all in the same boat that way—humans are remarkably self absorbed. So stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. Have a list of questions you can depend on—big, open-ended ones such as:

“What is your job like? What do you actually do all day?”

“Do you love what you do? What would you do if you had a choice—what is your fantasy job?”

“What is your favorite thing about living in this city?”

People love to talk about themselves. You can depend on this.

Finally, a sure fire way to get people to engage with you as a follow-up is to go back to them and ask them for advice—about their field, about what you should do, where you should live, what you should do next. If there is anything people love more than talking about themselves, it is giving advice. I should know—here I am doing it!

Stay in touch, Novice. Let me know how it goes and how I can help.

I’m not kidding.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

“Managers need to know how to set clear goals, diagnose development levels, and determine the correct leadership style to bring out the best in people. That’s a foundational management framework,” Blanchard says.

“But after that, managers need to take a deeper dive into the leadership styles we identify as Coaching and Supporting.  We’ve found through our research that 75 percent of the time, these two leadership styles are needed most to match the development level of a direct report on a task.”

“Most experienced managers are comfortable with setting goals and holding people accountable for achieving them, but they still need to work on providing direction and support along the way.”

Blanchard recommends that learning and development professionals add a coaching module into their leadership training curriculum. In his experience, a coaching module provides managers with enhanced skills in three key areas: day-to-day coaching, conversations beyond performance management, and conversations that focus on career growth.

“A manager who uses the coaching process can better guide a direct report in identifying a problem and looking at options. A coaching mindset is also helpful in areas that aren’t specifically related to a task, such as conversations between manager and direct report that focus on career or personal development. Managers have to get the work done, but there is an implied expectation that a manager will also be ready to help an employee see the bigger picture regarding their development—both personally and professionally within the organization.”

Trust as a Foundation

Blanchard recommends that L&D professionals also look at adding a trust module into their curriculum. He highlights the four pillars of interpersonal trust taught in his company’s Building Trust program—being perceived as Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable. Blanchard highlights the word perceived because trust is ultimately determined by each direct report’s perceptions and experiences of the manager’s behavior.

“Managers need to know how they stand in their employees’ eyes against these four components of trust. Good management starts with the realization that leadership is a partnership.  From there, you learn a mindset of service—because leadership is all about serving others in pursuit of common goals. Finally, you make sure your behaviors match your intentions. By participating in a curriculum that includes trust and coaching skills, you can learn to be the type of leader who always provides the right amount of direction and support and helps everyone win.”

To learn more about Blanchard’s recommendations for creating a complete leadership development curriculum, check out his full interview in the March issue of Ignite. Looking to learn more about bringing trust and coaching skills into your leadership development program? Join Blanchard for a free webinar he is hosting on March 29—Creating an Integrated Curriculum: Coaching, Trust, and Situational Leadership® II.

Dear Madeleine,

I keep hearing that the most important thing to be successful in business is the ability to build relationships with people. But here is the problem: I don’t like people. I think people are fundamentally untrustworthy and corrupt.

I am in veterinary school so I can take care of animals, which I much prefer to people. What to do?

Not Excited about People

Dear Not Excited about People,

You made me laugh out loud which makes me like you immediately. So there. I laughed because I so get it. I really do. I was just saying to my husband that I am pretty sure that between 20 random dogs and 20 random people I would probably like more of the dogs.

People are tough; there is no question. However, you can’t be in business without them—so you are going to have to extend yourself just a touch. First, you will want to find someone who is extremely competent and warm to manage the front end of your business. The airlines hire for “highly developed interpersonal skills” when staffing the lost luggage desk, because being able to tolerate working with long lines of aggravated, exhausted people is the number one requirement for that job. You want that same temperament in the person who manages your customers and, of course, you.

Secondly, I guarantee that if you simply formulate the intention to do so, you can find something to like—or at the very least, respect—in almost every person. When I find myself tested, I remember the words of Margie Blanchard, who co-founded our company. Dubbed the “Dalai Nana” by her grandson, Margie believes: Everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment, given their present level of understanding. Keeping this idea in mind will help you to be more patient. Also, it is important to realize that every person has a story that would break your heart if you only knew it.

Maybe take a cue from my personal vet—I am quite certain he only tolerates us because he knows we love our dogs and would do anything for them, and that works for me. Also, the lady who runs his practice couldn’t be nicer. I always look forward to seeing her.

You can only do your best misanthrope. All you really need to do in the long run is be extremely competent at your job and civil to folks. It just so happens there was a lovely essay in the Sunday NY Times this past week on the topic of how animals can bring out the best in people. It may speak to you and open your heart just a little. In any case, find someone who does like people to help you—and go forth and be a great vet. Animals need you!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I am a thirty-something woman who has just accepted a new position at a software company.  This job is quite a leap from my last one and the company has made it clear that they have big plans for me.  I love my work, it is interesting and fun, and I am really good at it.  

My husband also has a great job and is pursuing a PhD.  He and I both work ten- to twelve-hour days. We spend our extra time doing things we love—running, sailing, and getting together with friends.  We both have had weight and health issues in the past and have a high commitment to taking care of ourselves through exercise, eating right, and getting enough sleep. 

Many of our friends have started or are about to start their families.  The ones who have new babies have either dropped off the planet, or when we see them they seem stressed and exhausted.  Every working mom I talk to says she feels she is always falling short either at work or at home. Neither my husband nor I grew up under ideal circumstances and we figured we could do better.  We have always vaguely planned to have kids, but now we aren’t sure it is a good idea.  What do you think?

Kids or No?

Dear Kids or No,

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that you would send me this question, although I have to say I am staggering a little under the weight of it. Obviously, this will be one of the biggest decisions you and your husband ever make.  The amazing thing is—and it is a fairly new development in human history—you have a choice. It used to be that children were something that happened and you just dealt with them.   But with choice comes responsibility, and nobody can tell you what to do. What I can do is lay out some things you want might want to consider as you weigh your options.

• Parenting is more complicated now than it has ever been, and you will want to know that you and your husband will always be a team. Everywhere you turn, you will be bombarded with advice—or worse, judgment—about the way you parent.  So every choice you make will be fraught with second guessing and doubt.  You and your husband will want to decide what your standards are for what good parenting looks like.  It will be important that you are on the same page for the big decisions like how much time you need to spend with your child, what spiritual tradition will you depend on, what would you do if your child had special needs. For example, if you are okay with leaving your child in daycare or with a nanny but your husband is not, that is a potential deal breaker right there.
• The person who will generally take the brunt of the parenting will be you, especially at the beginning. I spent two years at a big Wall Street firm and every female VP who had kids had a husband who had a lower impact career that allowed him to stay home full time, work from home part time, or at least get home by the end of the school day.  But then there are amazing role models like Sheryl Sandberg who made it all work with a husband who worked full time and is now—horrors—gone.
• Speaking of role models, are there good role models in your organization or perhaps in your professional association; i.e., senior women who have kids? You might talk to them about how they have done it and what they recommend.
• The whole parenting thing is made to look really magical and wondrous—the Christmas cards with the smiling mom and dad, two kids, and the golden retriever. And there are magical moments, but it is hard.  There is no guarantee that you will get one or two perfect children who are as gifted and delightful as you.  Serious wild cards get dealt that can really throw you for a loop.  My point is that your children automatically become an intensive spiritual development program, no matter how perfect and easy they are. You really have to be signed up for that.
• John Gottman, the foremost researcher and expert on marriage, tells of a deep dip in marital satisfaction when the kids come that lasts until the kids are out of the house. Some of the happiest people I know are people who have chosen not to have children.  Of course, the dark flip side is that the people who have the most regret are the ones who wanted to have kids and couldn’t.  So the thing I would say is if you aren’t sure, wait.  Freeze your eggs. You can always hire a surrogate if you wait too long.  You can adopt.  None of those roads are as easy as just going for it when you are young and healthy, but at least you will be sure.
• I grew up in the 70s during which the anthem was “you can have it all.” Well, that turned out not to be quite true.  My experience is that you can kind of have it all   If you have a good education and some career stability and support going in. If you have an amazing husband who really does share the parenting including the endless domestic chores. If you have unusual stamina, if you have a strong immune system and can function through stomach flu and rotten colds, if you can go for long periods of time without proper rest and exercise, if you have reliable and high quality help and support—either trusted family members or a high enough income to pay for it. For many women I would restate the anthem as “you can have it all, but maybe not all at the same time.” This is not generally what people want to hear, but in my experience it is the truth.
• If you have a child and continue to pursue your highest career potential you will, I guarantee, lament that you are never 100% at home or at work. I have felt that way for the last 27 years.  But I am not sure that is so bad.  A little dynamic tension away from home isn’t so terrible.  I always felt that my kids appreciated me more because they didn’t have me at their beck and call.  And I always did enough at work to make good things happen but I never became completely obsessed—which I may very well have, if I hadn’t had to walk out of the office every day at 6:00.  The most efficient workers by far are the working moms, because they are always on a deadline.

My mother always said that having kids was the best thing she ever did in her life, and I automatically thought that it also would be true for me—and it has been.  But you are going to want to talk to more people.  Just know this: you and your husband are doing the right thing right now by really questioning it and thinking it through. That way, when you do come to a decision, you will know it is the right one.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a global consumer goods company. I recently went through six months of coaching because my boss told me I was an excellent manager, but I needed to be more of leader.

The coach did a 360° interview process and uncovered some areas that I needed to work on. Together we developed a plan and then implemented it.

I adopted a whole bunch of new behaviors and made some real headway. At the end of the coaching, my coach and I created a list of things that had been accomplished. Then I discussed it with my boss and she seemed pleased.

Now, a few months after the close of the coaching, my boss told me she is disappointed that the coaching did not produce the results she had hoped for. She acknowledged that yes, I get things done (we had our best year ever last year), but I am still not reaching the mark. In addition, I will not get the promotion I feel I really deserve. My boss also said if they don’t see some radical changes in the next few months, they will eliminate my position.

I am absolutely stunned. I really thought I had been on the right track and now the rug has been pulled out from under me. What to do?

Stunned and Hurt

Dear Stunned and Hurt,

Well this stinks and I am so sorry. There are a lot of layers to this and I am sure I will miss a few, but I’ll do my best to be helpful right now.

Let’s start with the idea that your boss needs to see something radical or your job will be eliminated. I read that as your job is going to be eliminated and you should start looking for your next gig this minute. Don’t wait, and don’t try to guess exactly what the correct radical change is that would save your job. Based on the experience you just had, that will almost certainly fail.

Next, addressing the change of heart your boss seems to have had about the results of the coaching. I am afraid this is more common than you’d think and I have a hypothesis as to why that is. Many times we, as coaches at Blanchard, are tasked with coming in to coach one person who needs to upgrade skills and make some changes. We hate this kind of work because the manager/organization often refuses to be crystal clear about exactly which changes are needed or the serious negative consequences if the coaching participant is unable to make the changes.

It sounds like this has been the case for you. Yes, you made some changes, but apparently they weren’t exactly what your boss was looking for. It must have been a kind of “I’ll know the change when I see it” approach, and since she didn’t see what she was looking for, you are out of luck.

As for the changes you did make, it is my experience that organizations are like small towns, and no matter what you do or how you change, people are always going to see you as the way you were, not as who you have become or how you’ve grown. Many people need to leave the environment they are in to make the leap to the next level. It is just how it is.

Finally, what exactly was meant by the word leader? Was this ever made clear to you? Are you expected to become an inspirational, charismatic visionary? It is possible that your boss wants you to get a personality transplant—I can assure you everyone is highly unlikely to succeed at that.

I think you should pack up your excellent management skills and your ability to get things done (not to mention all of your new skills) and go somewhere where they need exactly who you are and what you bring to the table right now.

You can thank your boss for at least one thing: giving you a heads-up, which is a rare gift.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I love to grow and develop. I always take advantage of any 360° feedback assessments my company offers. I regularly ask my boss, direct reports, and peers for constructive feedback.

Lucky for me, my 360° scores are high and I generally hear “just keep doing what you are doing” from my coworkers. That said, I still want to stretch and grow but don’t have a clear idea of what I should do. Can you make any suggestions?

Want to Grow

Dear Want to Grow,

What a great problem to have. And I am so glad you asked—because, of course, I have loads of suggestions.

First the obvious: If your organization offers 360° feedback, there is a good chance they also offer training programs. Sign up for everything you can, and become a poster child for your favorite programs. Maybe you’ll find something you are so passionate about that you become a trainer.

Do you have an advanced degree? If not, perhaps your organization will help fund one. If you go that way, though, please don’t send me hate mail. It is worth it, but it is hard.

Ultimately, growth and development will come from creating goals and experiences for yourself that require you to be a little uncomfortable. Feedback is great and allows you to develop yourself in the context of your job and your current circle of colleagues. But that’s still only one perspective.  You’ll want to expand your thinking. Some ideas:

• Look backwards to see where you have had your biggest wins. Think about what made those moments great and what qualities or strengths you have that have gone un-leveraged.
• Move toward the heat. Notice what interests you that you enjoy and do naturally but that may not be on your radar screen. Perhaps you love to write—see if you can contribute to your company blog or newsletter. Perhaps you are an event planning genius and love throwing a great party—join a committee that might need you.
• Build your network. The thing that is most important to your career growth besides work ethic and competence is the ability to grow and nurture a network of relationships. If this suggestion is unattractive to you, it probably means it would be an excellent new area for you to develop. Make a map of people in your organization who interest you and either start a relationship or build on the one you have. Find someone you respect and admire and ask them to mentor you. Scroll through the million connections you have on LinkedIn, find people you want to get to know, and set up a call.
• Build your industry knowledge. Are you an expert in your field? If not, decide to become one. Join industry groups on social media and subscribe to newsletters to read up.
• Travel. Save up your PTO and plan a month-long trip someplace you’ve always wanted to go. I didn’t realize I wanted to do that until a colleague did it and I felt a stab of envy. Guess what? I am going to Mongolia this summer—something I have been fantasizing about for fifteen years.
• Master something. Choose one thing you are good at and you like to do and become a master at it. Mastery comes from intense commitment and repetition, and it can be extraordinarily fulfilling for some.
• Look to the “life” portion of your life/work formula. Maybe your home environment is not quite up to your standard? How about your health and physical fitness? Perhaps your spiritual life could use some attention? How would rate your satisfaction with your relationships in terms of family and friends? Are you a parent? A great parent? You could take a parenting class. Now might be the time to get your home administration and financials systemized and effortless. How about volunteering for a cause you care deeply about? Go walk and play with dogs at your local shelter. Go hold babies in the NICU. Be a big brother or big sister. Spread the wealth of your wonderfulness.

Earlier, I mentioned envy for a reason. We are all mostly uncomfortable with the feeling of envy and even deny it when we do feel it; but it is instructive. Notice what others have that you feel envious of. That is data for you. It’s data about something you secretly want or maybe even need—something you don’t have because you probably haven’t admitted it to yourself.

I hope I have provided you with food for thought. Please let me know what you decide to do—I can’t wait to hear!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I lead large teams in the field and partner with a core team at the headquarters of my organization. My boss is at HQ and largely ignores me because all of my projects come in on time and under budget. I have literally been told I am a “dream employee.”

The fly in the ointment is that I am constantly having run-ins with another member of the core team at HQ—I’ll call her F.

We disagree on what is her responsibility and what is mine and we are constantly butting heads. She doesn’t have the same skill set and knowledge base as I do, nor does she have the experience or seniority. She argues endlessly about some of my decisions—or worse, reverses them without talking to me about it. Then I have to come back in, re-direct everyone and get the project back on track.

This is causing delays and making other members of the team crazy. She gets upset when I don’t agree with her or alter her changes and runs down the hall to my boss to complain. Then I get a call from my boss, who tells me I need to find a way to get along with F and work it out. I have really been trying, but she just won’t see reason.

The final straw was my annual performance review. After glossing over all the good stuff—on time, under budget, my teams like and respect me, the customers are all happy—I get dinged on my bonus because of this situation with F! I just want to scream. Or quit. What say you?

Dinged

Dear Dinged

I am so sorry for your frustration. I know it well. I worked in the field for many years and suffered from being out of sight and out of mind. As a manager now at HQ, I know the difficulty of trying to protect team members in the field from the natural solidarity of folks who can have a quick and impactful chat at the coffee station.  I have experienced and been responsible for the problems that can arise due to lack of clarity about roles and responsibilities among team members.. I mean, who doesn’t suffer from lack of clarity about roles and responsibilities?

People who have responsible managers, that’s who.

It is absolutely your boss’s responsibility to get in there and mediate between you and F—to figure out who is responsible for what and who makes exactly what kinds of decisions, and to craft the process for what to do when there is a grey area. It is not appropriate for him to delegate that job the way he has, with you left holding the bag.

Okay, great, so we can blame your boss—which helps you not at all. What can you do? Here are some ideas:

• Fight hard to schedule an in-person mediation meeting with your boss, F, and you for the next time you are at HQ. Make it as soon as possible. Be prepared with a list of what you think is your job and what you think is F’s job. Use a RACI chart to help you. A RACI chart (Responsible-Accountable-Consulted-Informed) is a way to plot out—with absolute clarity for each task and decision—who is ultimately responsible, who needs to be consulted and included, and who needs to be kept informed at each step. It is an amazing tool and I encourage you to use it. Argue it out and abide by the consequences.
• Make it priority to improve your relationship with F. I know, right now you are mad at her and thinking Why should I take the high road? If you are going to quit, you don’t have to do this. But if you are going to stick around, you must turn F from an enemy into an ally. Up your communication with her. Have weekly meetings where you catch up on projects and review decisions and haggle things out. If the relationship is there, she won’t go running to your boss every time she is annoyed with you. If the relationship is there, when she has a problem with you she will pick up the phone and say “Hey, what the heck?”
• Spend more time at HQ. I know it is inconvenient, disruptive to what you consider your real work, and a colossal pain—but there is no substitute for showing up. Be there in person for team meetings. Show your face. Go to happy hour. Meet with your boss so you are real to him—as real as everyone else on his team.
• Share regular business updates with your peers and your boss about what you’re working on and what you do all day—because in the absence of information, people make stuff up. The more your colleagues see, hear, and get information from you, the more they will understand your work—and the more likely they will be to trust your authority and be comfortable that you know what you’re doing.

This all adds a lot more to your to-do list, I know. But the first order of business in getting things done is to build and nurture relationships. It would be so nice if you could just do your job without interference, but that just isn’t the way it works.

Don’t quit. Maybe scream a little. But then pick up the phone and work it out.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been asked to participate in a 360 degree feedback program.

My boss and the HR team will see the results—and I think the results are going to be used to make promotion decisions.

I have a bad feeling about this. I’m not that worried about someone giving negative feedback, but the whole process feels very unsafe to me.

My participation seems to be optional. What do you think?

Unsafe

Dear Unsafe,

Well, this is a can of worms if there ever was one. There are entire books on this topic!

The best practice in most organizations is to give the results of a 360 report only to the person who is the subject of the feedback, and to offer the support of a trained professional to debrief the report with the participant and create an action plan based on the results. I have heard of organizations including 360 results in personnel decisions, but it is not a recommended practice. The problem with any feedback is that it usually says as much about the person giving it as it does about the person receiving it, so the results can be tricky to interpret. You can’t always be certain about anyone’s agenda, especially if that person has an ax to grind or is competing for a job with the subject of the feedback.

In your situation, I would say get more information to help you make the decision about whether or not to move ahead with the program. Questions to ask include:

• What is the assessment, and is it a validated tool? (We have seen some 360 tools created “in house” that are really poorly written and confusing! This can invalidate any results.)
• What does the assessment measure?
• How will your raters be chosen and will you have input on the choice?
• Will you get to see and learn from the results?
• Will you get help to interpret the results and create an action plan based on them?
• Who else will be doing this process?
• Who exactly will be seeing the results?
• How will the results be used to make decisions?
• Just how optional is this opportunity?

Ultimately, declining a development opportunity never makes you look good. And properly sourced feedback can be a gift, so I am inclined to say go for it. But if you feel unsafe, I suspect there is a good reason for it.

Sit down with your boss and get answers to your questions. Share your uncertainty and ask your boss what he or she thinks you should do. A candid conversation about the whole thing will increase your confidence and ability to make the right decision for yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I am a COO in a multi-national import business. Our founding CFO has a foot out the door and we want to promote our comptroller, Bridget, into the job. She is lightning fast, ahead of the curve on international issues, articulate, and can really stand up for herself in what is—let’s face it—pretty much a man’s world. She has her MBA and she seems to be ambitious.

The problem is, Bridget has no idea how to dress. This may seem superficial, but we are all charcoal-suit- with-the-white-shirt guys. She dresses like she buys her clothes at Victoria’s Secret and she wears way too much makeup. Her unprofessional appearance totally distracts from her good qualities.

So far she has worked behind the scenes so no one has said anything. But if she were promoted we would need her to take part in client meetings—including in Asia and the Middle East—and she would need to look professional and upscale.

No one knows how to approach Bridget about this. We are actually considering just passing her over and starting a search. What do you think?

Buttoned-up Suit

___________________________________________________________

Dear Buttoned-up,

I think it would be sad for both Bridget and you—not to mention expensive in both time and money—to pass her over and launch a new search before making an attempt to solve this problem. What a waste if you have someone already on staff who is almost perfect.

I have to wonder: where is your HR department in all of this? I can only assume they are also buttoned-up suits and don’t even see this as their problem since you are the one writing. You obviously believe in this woman and want to see her succeed, so I encourage you to make the effort—but you will need to tread lightly.

It would be absurd to overlook someone who knows and gets along well with all of you, who will have zero learning curve about the company, and who is incredibly competent. But I understand the dilemma and I believe Bridget needs to hear the feedback and act on it. This is no small feat, but it can be done. It is not that unusual a situation but there are some big hurdles here—so you have to decide if they are worth the effort.

Have the talk.

It would be ideal if you could find a female executive who could have a talk with Bridget—but it sounds as if that might not be an option. So someone—maybe your HR person, maybe you—is going to have to man up and sit down with your whiz kid. In the conversation, make it crystal clear that her current way of presenting herself may well be holding her back—and that she needs to literally show the executive team that she is willing and able to up her game to be considered for this promotion.

This needs to be handled sensitively, but if it is clear to Bridget that the person giving the feedback really has her best interests at heart, it could work. I am speaking from experience. I went from being an actress to working in the corporate world and had no idea how to dress. My new boss, whom I trusted, gave me feedback after my first client session: my skirt was too short, my heels were too high, and I shouldn’t wear sleeveless blouses. I was truly embarrassed, but I knew it wasn’t personal and I was grateful because I knew my boss had my back. I went shopping and started a collection of what I considered work uniforms.

Be specific.

When talking to Bridget, use neutral language to describe the problem. Be very specific without adding value judgments. An example: “We think you are great at your job—but in order to consider you for any promotion, we need you to dress more professionally. You’ll need to wear blouses that have short or long sleeves and that fit properly, are not revealing and do not gape. Your heels should be no higher than 3 inches, and the length of your skirts and dresses should be no shorter than 2 inches above the knee.” (I would say no higher than fingertips of extended arms, but some people have short arms and anyone over 50 really should not be using that rule anyway.) Emphasize that clothes should fit properly and not be tight.

If you aren’t really sure, consult a website—there are tons. Here is one: What Is Professional Business Attire for Women?

Offer assistance—and understanding.

You might consider offering Bridget a wardrobe budget so that she can quickly and completely rebuild her work wardrobe. This process takes years for most of us. It would help to suggest a personal shopper as well, and equip Bridget with pictures of what you would consider to be appropriate. Also, think about gifting her with a lesson from a professional makeup artist to help her find a daytime appropriate work look.

Dress and presentation are rooted in culture and deeply personal. Many people see how they dress as a fundamental form of self expression. You can have conversation about this. Women who dress provocatively in the workplace are often following a role model that makes sense to them; or they really enjoy making an impact; or they simply believe it is what is expected of them. I have worked with many employees over the years who see the way they dress as a political statement and feel, therefore, that clients should be okay with it. But nothing will ever make it okay for an outside consultant to wear Birkenstocks to a meeting at Goldman Sachs. I often compare dressing for success to wearing a costume to make the right impact on a specific audience.

Present rationale—and time line for the shift.

Make it very clear that this is not personal—it’s because you believe she will be more effective if she is able to match the way she presents herself to the culture of the organization. Certainly remind her that in her personal life she can, of course, wear whatever makes her happiest.

Set a reasonable target date for when you expect to see a substantial change in how she presents herself. Expect that you will need to give her a few second chances—and when she shows up at work wearing something unsuitable, gently but specifically point out to her what is inappropriate.

Be realistic about the outcome.

Finally, keep in mind that she may not be able to make the shift. I have seen it happen a couple of times. This would also be sad but at least you will have made the effort, and she will have been given the  opportunity. Some people will never compromise their self image for any reason.

This is a tricky situation. It touches on gender equality issues, personal identity, and the compromises we all make to fit into our tribes of choice. But it is not as if you are a nasty boys’ club asking her to wear tighter, shorter skirts. That would be a real problem. You want to invite her to be in your executive level club—where you know she deserves to be. But to get that invitation, she needs a costume change.

Let me know how it goes—and good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I don’t know what to do about my boss. He’s canceled every meeting we have set up for the past six months. I’ve received absolutely no feedback all year—and then yesterday at my annual performance review (which he had cancelled three times so it was three months late), he gave me only negative feedback.

He didn’t comment on the fact that I am carrying three times more projects than any of my peers and that all of my projects have been on time and under budget.

Also, no comment about how my whole regional team is doing incredibly well.

The negative feedback is all vague hearsay from other people because he actually has no idea what I do or how I do it. I think he hates me. I am feeling like I have to quit because I really can’t stand it anymore. What would you do?

Ready to Quit

Dear Ready to Quit,

Well, I wouldn’t walk out in a snit without another job to go to. But I am so sorry, this sounds really awful.  There is always a chance he might actually hate you and be mounting an elaborate campaign to get rid of you—but to establish this as true, you would need evidence that his behavior is personal rather than simply clueless. If you prove he has a personal vendetta, then I would encourage you to start job hunting. It is really hard to win when your boss hates you.

The more likely scenario is that he, like many bosses, figures you are doing fine and his job is to help you always improve—thus the lack of attention and ham-fisted feedback. Also, because most managers never get any training on how to actually manage until well into their careers, he probably hasn’t the foggiest idea about the importance of regular meetings or how to give feedback in a way that is useful.

There is a good chance your boss has no idea what a terrible state you are in. So before you throw in the towel, at least try to communicate your despair. You must explain to him exactly what you need to stay engaged with your work. Tell him it is critical that you meet and share how discouraged you are. Tell him that the constant cancellations make you feel like a second class citizen, and that you need some positive feedback every once in a while. This would also be the time to negotiate a way to communicate all the great stuff you are doing using email. Does your boss have any way of knowing how well your people are doing? Perhaps a monthly excel spreadsheet that tracks actions and milestone achievements, so that he can at least say “Wow, how great is this!”

Your boss is probably insanely overcommitted and putting all of his attention on his underperformers, figuring that you are fine on your own. You owe it to yourself to send up a flare before you pack up your toys and go home. Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

The same can be said about professional growth and development. If you want to master new information or develop a new skill, simply knowing that something is important won’t result in growth or change. You have to define a developmental plan and then take action.

Whether personal or professional, setting a goal for growth and then taking action on your own is easier said than done. Most people benefit from the support of others when they decide to make a change.

Managers are in a great position to offer this much needed support to their direct reports—many of whom already have either a formal or informal development plan for themselves.

If you are a manager, here are a few suggestions you can make to your direct reports to help them progress toward their goals.

1. “Link your development to your job.” Suggest they thoughtfully consider how their learning and development goals will specifically make them more effective at work.
2. “Practice what you learn.” Have them identify one or two behaviors they want to hone and think of where they can practice those behaviors on the job. For instance, they could practice during one-on-one meetings with you or in weekly team meetings with their peers.
3. “Keep your development top of mind.” To stress the importance of their growth, regularly touch base with direct reports around their progress. Ask them to set a specific date by which they will share a success story with you on how they successfully implemented their learning.

Being someone’s support system doesn’t have to take a lot of time or effort—after all, the person you are helping is doing all the heavy lifting! That said, letting a direct report know you care about their growth and development and cheering them on can make a huge difference in their success.

Are there opportunities where you can help someone grow? If so, try the ideas above and let us know what impact they made!

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in HR in a small company and recently had to let someone go. The process is never pleasant—and to make matters a bit more complicated, the terminated employee was a bit of a gossip. 

Now that she is gone, many employees are upset and have been speculating out loud about the reason she was terminated. Those who were involved in the decision are professional enough to not share the details that would make the reason clear—and, of course, as an HR professional I am also unable to do that. 

The objective side of me sees that I cannot be responsible for the perceptions of so many people and that I need to accept the damage that has been done, keep a strong visage, and stand by the company’s decision. However, I am human and I cannot help but feel that the loaded comments and meaningful glares I’m receiving are unjustified and there has to be some solution. I knew coming into the HR field that not everyone would like me, but in a small company I feel this could have a lasting negative impact on my image. 

What do you think? 

Quite Vexed

Dear Quite Vexed,

Being in HR is tough. You know way more about people than you ever wanted to know, and you have to keep it all to yourself. You are constantly fighting a deep psychological need to be included as part of the “in group”—a need that will never be adequately met at work.

I recently read a thread on a LinkedIn HR group about being friends with people at work. The folks in that group definitely seemed to agree that when you are in HR you can’t be true friends with anyone at work, although you can have friendly acquaintances. I have received the same advice being married to an owner of a family run business—but I will confess that I am hopeless at not bonding with people I really like and respect.

Your solutions, I would say, are as follows:

If in fact the employee was fired for cause, then you do have a problem because you really can’t share details.

If it was a position elimination, work with your colleagues to craft a statement explaining the business reason for the change. In the absence of information people make things up, and what they make up is usually way worse than the truth. People might be treating you poorly because they are afraid about their own jobs, so it would help a lot if people knew that their jobs were safe. Providing some kind of brief, reasonable explanation will help.

If this person was fired for being a nasty gossip and there is nothing you can say, you must face the comments and the looks head on. Get the veiled aggression out on the table by saying something like “Please don’t judge me based on assumptions you are making.” The response will almost certainly be denial, but this should stop the behaviors. When you feel as if you are being subtly bullied, calling the bully out is often the best way to make him or her back down.

Finally—and this is the most critical thing—remember that to survive in HR you are going to have to develop a very thick skin—thicker even than you expected. You also must take care of yourself by building and nurturing a very strong network of friendships outside of work so that you can get your needs for inclusion and social connection met.

You can also develop connections with others of your HR tribe online. Check into the LinkedIn group I mentioned: Linked: HR #1 Human Resources Group, or find a group like it.

There are a lot of people out there like you, many in small companies feeling a little lost, lonely and isolated. And there is a lot of support to be had.

Hang in there!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I was hired five months ago by a local business. I had no experience in finance but my new boss assured me that he could teach me what I needed to know.

Five months have gone by and my boss has just told me that he doesn’t have time to train me after all, and he is going to let me go and hire someone who already has the skills he needs.

I don’t know what to tell people as I apply for my next job. Can you help me?

Cut Loose

Dear Cut Loose,

Tell the truth. You haven’t done anything wrong. Your former boss made an error and underestimated how much there was to teach you. It happens. Because he hired you with no skills or experience relevant to the job, he must have thought you had a lot to offer—so you have that going for you. You probably found a way to add some value in your five months, so focus on that.

I encourage you to reassess your actual skills and interests. I am curious as to how much effort you put into learning things on your own since you were hired. It is astonishing what is available on the internet—much of it free! So if you were not inclined to teach yourself, it’s possible that finance is not your sweet spot anyway. I think you are lucky you didn’t waste more than five months.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I am a hotel manager for a high end property in a large metropolitan city.

I am trying to create a program where department heads and midlevel managers at the hotel can come together to chat candidly about their career goals and how to achieve them. I have a vision to devote 30 to 60 minutes each week to this new program. 

Any suggestions on what sort of things I should focus on in that time duration?

I’d also appreciate your suggestions on what to call these meetings so it sends a good message. Thanks for any feedback. 

Developer

Dear Developer,

Well, isn’t your team lucky to have you! I applaud your desire to develop people; it’s not as common an idea as you might think—despite our best efforts to spread the word.

With the amount of time you are devoting, it will be important to generate consistent value that hits your goals. I have some thoughts about how to do that:

• First, get input. Ask the folks you’re inviting a couple of questions, such as: “What would make you attend?” “What would you want to get out of it?” “What would you want to give?”
• Second, you might want to think about starting with a small cohort of your very best people. Meet someplace nice, make it visible, and spread the word that the group is by invitation only. This way when people are invited to join, they feel singled out for something positive. The group is seen as a reward—an elevation of status.
• Don’t be surprised if people are a little skittish at first about sharing their aspirations. It may make them feel exposed and vulnerable. They need to feel safe before they open up. Starting with something relatively broad like discussing current goals. Ask each person for one goal they would want to share with the group to get accountability and support. By choosing what to reveal, they feel a sense of control.
• Consider discussing higher level management topics like servant leadership, building trust, managing change, leading teams, personal development, or time management, to name a few. Invest in a couple of good leadership books—I’d suggest you start with the greats (Drucker, Bennis, Maxwell, Dupree, Blanchard, Collins, or Goldsmith, for example) and discuss concepts from them.
• For those who don’t consider reading that much fun, excellent lists are available of current top management thinkers. Provide links to short blog posts for ideas that spark discussion.
• Alternatively, each session could be driven by a question such as: What makes a good leader? How should a leader deal with someone who is late all the time? What do you know you should be doing as a manager but don’t quite know how?

In terms of what you might call your group, consider tying the name of the group to one of the stated values of your organization. For example, a value at Zappos is to “Deliver Wow with service.” They might call a group like yours The Wow Club.

Here are some other idea starters: Future Focus Conversations, Career Maps, Plan A Club , Brainstormers, Opportunity League, Look Ahead Club, Onward and Upward, Growth Guild, Career Club, Career Alliance, Rising Stars, or Talent Incubator.

There is always the possibility of a clever acronym—maybe something like LEAD—Leadership Exploration And Development, or MILE—Maximum Impact Leadership Effectiveness.

(You might get more ideas in the comments.)

Do let me know how this works out!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In it, Angela writes “Grit is about working on something you care about so much that you’re willing to stay loyal to it.” She elaborates on the two components of grit: passion and perseverance. Grit is more about commitment, endurance, and consistency over time than it is about talent.

Grit is needed to accomplish goals—especially stretch goals—and to change behavior. When I first started thinking of people who have grit, I thought about the TV shows Spartan Race and American Ninja Warrior. The participants and athletes in those competitions must have grit in order to fail and come back again and again.

Grit also applies to Olympic athletes. Consider the grit displayed when a young girl commits at an early age to be one of the best gymnasts at the Olympics—like Simone Biles and Laurie Hernandez on the 2016 US Olympic Gymnastics team.

In another way, grit can come into play when we are coaching clients toward achieving their goals. It begins with helping them create a SMART goal they are passionate about that will cause them to stay committed and consistent over time. For example, a client had a goal to take a situational approach to leadership in order to create a high performing team.

We discussed the passion and motivation the client had to become a situational leader. We also discussed his perseverance and commitment to intentionally flex his leadership style regardless of high pressure situations. The coaching lead him to  increase his commitment by creating a structure to remind himself to flex his leadership style, identifying accountability partners, and asking for regular feedback from his team. Over time, the client increased his grit to be a situational leader—and subsequently increased his success.

Could a rediscovery of your own grit level help? You can apply grit principles to your goals by answering these questions:

• What is the motivation for this goal?
• Is this a goal that will stand the test of time?
• Are you passionate enough to remain committed if you start getting distracted by other ideas or goals?
• What will cause you to hold steadfast to this goal?

I think you’ll find that when you increase your level of grit, you’ll set yourself up for success—just like my client.

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

I had a chance to experience both of these things when I recently accepted a new position with my company.  Eight months ago, I stepped into a new leadership role supporting a team in Asia Pacific.

It required me to up my game in three critical areas—increased transparency, response to feedback, and commitment to growth.

Here’s what I learned.  See if it might help you.

Increased transparency.  We take our leaders and clients through a process we call Leadership Point of View where leaders take a look back through their leadership journey—the people and events that have shaped them, their values, and what they expect of themselves and others—and create a story about themselves they can share with people and teams they lead.  Because I had the good fortune of going through this process more than seven years ago, I was able to share my Leadership Point of View with my new team. In sharing, I set the stage for each person to have a better understanding of me as their leader that, because of the distance between us, would have taken months if not years to learn through our interactions.  How well does your team know you?  What could you do to increase your transparency?

Response to feedback.  Getting a read on the impact you are having can be a challenge when you are in a position of leadership.  Very few people are comfortable speaking truth—especially negative feedback—up the leadership hierarchy. In my case, I was stepping into a new position with a team located across the ocean on another continent with a different culture.  How could I create an environment where people would feel comfortable speaking up and sharing their thoughts about change?  What was the best approach to being culturally sensitive in China or in Japan?  I relied heavily on my internal teammates to guide me.  I sought feedback following meetings and also asked for patience from my colleagues as I learned about working in Asia Pacific. Are you comfortable enough to be vulnerable and ask your people for feedback?

Commitment to growth.  Growth comes in many forms, including identifying what’s not working, trying on new behaviors, committing to change, and then setting up both the direction and support for doing it all.  Through coaching, I was able to practice new behaviors that had been outside of my comfort zone or different from what my typical style would be.  I also have continued to seek guidance from people on the Asia team to get their input on how I can best serve them and their colleagues throughout the region.

I know my growth in the next year will put me leaps ahead of where I am today. It’s exciting to think about how much more equipped I will be to serve the region and the team. In the meantime, I am on a steep learning curve—but one that is backed with a commitment to serve, which will help me make incremental changes that will eventually feel normal and comfortable. How open are you to growth and change?

For me, a commitment to learning, growing, and evolving to meet the needs of my environment is the formula for success.  See if it can work for you as well!

About the Author

Joni Wickline is Vice President, International Growth with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Wickline’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Essentially, the first order of business when you set out to work with a coach is to establish where you are right now: Point A. This requires a cold, hard look at your current reality.

Next, figure out the place you want to end up in the not-too-distant future: Point B. Your coach may start with the question What will be different in six months because of the changes you are about to make?

Once you are clear on Points A and B, you and your coach can put together a plan. When creating the plan, it is important to choose areas where change is actually possible—you want to set goals that may require you to stretch but not ones that would require a personality transplant. This is what’s called “reaching for low hanging fruit.” You can’t ask a chicken to climb a tree. Ask yourself: What can I do—maybe with a little extra direction and support—that makes sense for me?

During the conception of the plan, your coach will help you figure out not only how to leverage your strengths and stay engaged, but also how to choose goals that feel fun and exciting to you. You will gain some clarity about your weaknesses and learn to mitigate them and work around them. You may decide to shore up an area in which you are weak—but I recommend working on only one weak area at a time. Better to leverage strengths.

As the coaching sessions progress, you’ll find yourself stumbling over some attitudes or beliefs that have been holding you back—blind spots, if you will. You’ll think through and perhaps shift some long-held perspectives. Finally, you’ll uncover some new emerging strengths you can build on.

When the coaching is drawing to a close, you will review with your coach everything you have accomplished and what you have learned along the way. This will reinforce changes you have made and highlight new habits you have established.

In the crazy rush of everyday life, it can be really hard to stay focused on the stuff that is important but not necessarily urgent. Ultimately, that is what coaching will help you do.

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior director for a large multinational organization.

I am good at what I do, my employees love working for me, and I’ve always received good feedback from my boss. At my last review, though, I didn’t get the promotion to VP that I expected. My boss told me she didn’t think I was strategic enough with my hires and that I was too easy on my people.

I developed a plan to address the feedback, got my boss to sign off on it, and I was feeling pretty good about it.

Since the meeting with my boss, I have:

1. let go of two people who were never going to be quite right for the jobs they were in—and had already been on performance plans for too long;
2. given people some hard feedback and created development plans for them; and
3. asked some other folks who were slacking to take on a few more responsibilities.

Well, wouldn’t you know—they all went running to my boss to complain about what a “meanie” I am. Now my boss is coming down on me for doing exactly what she told me to do!

Can’t Have It Both Ways

Dear Can’t Have It Both Ways,

You are right. You can’t. It is really hard to get the right people in the right seats and have them all fully engaged and living up to their full potential. But don’t quit now. You know what I am going to say: sit down with your boss and ask her exactly how she would have had you proceed differently. But given the way she reacted, it is pretty clear that you ultimately are on your own.

So the ones you really need to talk to are your people—who, by the way, are in shock because their big, soft, teddy bear of a boss has all at once turned into a performance hound. Have an all-hands-on-deck meeting. Share with everyone the context for what is going on. Tell them the organization perceives you as too soft and you realize you have allowed less than stellar performances. Ask them what they think you should do—what they think you should all do. Tell them your goal is to have each person be exactly the right one in the right job, loving their work and challenged just enough but not too much. Tell them you erred in the past by being too nice and you want to learn how to balance being a kind person who values performance—one who is tough but fair. Involve them in the problem they all colluded with you in creating. The self motivated top performers will be excited and will participate. And the ones who prefer to blame and criticize will—well, they’ll blame and criticize. Who do you want on your team?

Challenge your team to have the hard conversations. Listen when they come and talk to you. Empathize with their points of view and become articulate in advocating for your own. Make a direct request to your people to work with you on the plan and to support you in executing it.

Stay strong. You will get through this and you will be the more effective leader for it. And who knows, you might just get that promotion.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

One challenge organizations face is when individual contributors, who are Self-Reliant Achievers in most of their work, are tapped for leadership roles.  While they may be experts in their previous individual role, they are rarely at the Self-Reliant Achiever level when they move into their first leadership position.

More realistically they start out as beginners commencing a long leadership development learning journey.  This shift from being master of their previous universe to “wet behind the ears” can often be challenging.  If new leaders don’t recognize that they aren’t, nor should they expect to be self-reliant it can create self-doubt.  And self-doubt can eat away at their confidence which can hinder needed learning.

As a coach—or anyone helping someone else step up to leadership for the first time, here are a few ways you can help someone along that journey.

Set reasonable expectations.  Growing and developing leadership skills is a learning journey. Recognizing that can help.  Truly acknowledging that our first attempts will likely not be our best attempts allows us to give ourselves the “grace” to be a learner.

Practice, practice, practice.  We don’t learn through osmosis or simply by knowing.  We learn by applying what we know.  We try, fail, and if we are smart, get up and try again taking note of what we did right.

Ask for help.  We need to embrace our role as a learner and courageously ask others for help and guidance.  Learn from our boss, or a mentor, or those who have leadership skills we admire.  When asked, most relish the opportunity to share their wisdom.  Let’s not struggle in silence.

In working with clients, I’ve always believed the old saying Success is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. When you lead, mentor or coach a first-time manager, let them know that learning to be an effective leader requires a lot of effort—and it will only be harder if they become their own worst enemy. Help them realize they will need to give themselves a break and understand there is no quick or easy path to skilled leadership.  Actually I think we all need to remember this because in today’s rapidly changing world –learning something new is likely a common occurrence.

What are your thoughts and experiences about coaching new leaders?

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Most organisations have mission statements—a clearly defined and articulated purpose to focus energy and help leaders make decisions.

But what about a clearly defined and articulated personal purpose? While most of us have some idea about what we want to do with our lives, many of us don’t have a personal mission statement.

This is an important concept. A personal mission statement harnesses energy and enables us to have a greater sense of well-being—especially if we can connect our personal purpose with our department’s purpose as well as our organisation’s purpose.

Let me give you a personal example. In the mid-nineties while I was in the Royal New Zealand Navy, I attended a Situational Self Leadership training session. As part of the workshop, I spent some time developing and refining my life purpose statement. It required reflection and effort, and eventually I came up with a statement that felt right:

“My life purpose is to use my knowledge, skills, and abilities to work with others in order to create an environment in which people feel valued, content, and fulfilled as they contribute to society.”

Creating my purpose statement was just the first step. In order to leverage and maximise my personal and professional alignment, I printed out the statement, put it into a picture frame, and placed it on my desk. This was a very important second step for me. When it came time to make significant career decisions, I would look at my purpose statement and ask myself What course of action will best help me fulfil my life purpose? 

The framed statement was a great reminder—and it helped immensely when I had difficult decisions to make, such as changing roles and up-skilling in support of training and development. It was an area that fulfilled my purpose more than the operational role for which I was initially selected.

How about you? Have you identified a clear sense of where you want to be, or is it more of a general idea? Why not challenge yourself? Develop a purpose statement for your life. Then align your role with that of your organisation, reflect, and make adjustments as necessary.

I’ve long since left the Navy and am currently a director and consulting partner with Blanchard International New Zealand. In part, I can trace my journey here to the decision I made years ago to identify, write down, and reflect daily on my life purpose statement.

Your future is waiting for you. Don’t wait. Take the first step by writing down your personal mission statement. You never know where it will lead!

About the Author

David Cordery is a Company Director and accredited Consulting Partner with Blanchard International in New Zealand.