Dear Madeleine,

I work for a midsized company. When our CTO retired I thought I would be in the running for the job, because I have been with the company the longest, have kept my skills current, and have lots of ideas that I regularly share with our CEO. Apparently I wasn’t even considered, and a new CTO has been hired without the job being posted.

I won’t lie—I absolutely resent that I wasn’t given at least a chance. But that’s not my issue. My issue is that the company has some serious problems.

We are paying for some legacy systems that nobody uses. No one really knows who initiated the contracts or why. It is costing us needlessly. Also, we have a couple of IT support people who literally smoke weed all day and play pass-the-buck with support tickets. We could be getting so much more out of this team and we could easily get by with fewer people.

Our CEO is clueless. He left it all up to the former CTO, who had one foot out the door for years. The waste and inefficiency drives me crazy.

How do I surface all of this to the new CTO without it seeming like sour grapes? I don’t want to rat people out, but I also feel like I’m the only one who puts in real work days—and that’s getting old.

Thoughts?

Watching the Train Wreck

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Watching the Train Wreck,

This all sounds really frustrating. There is a whole potential conversation about what played into your being summarily passed over for a promotion, but you didn’t ask about that so I will leave it be.

I think there are ways to surface issues without calling anyone out. It is just hard for you to see it because you are so angry. I’m not saying you are wrong for being angry, you just can’t let it get in your way.

I suspect there might be a situation where you surface problems to your manager without sharing your ideas for how to fix them. I have heard many managers and leaders say “don’t bring me problems without ideas for how to solve them.”

There is no reason not to make a list of the legacy systems nobody uses and share them with the new CTO. If you shared this with your former CTO and nothing was ever done, either he didn’t care or he was getting a kickback. Either way, this situation is bad and needs fixing.

You could volunteer to chase down the contracts, see if the original time frame has expired, and potentially cancel—just be 100% sure that you are correct in your belief that nobody uses the system. You may not know who still depends on what, and historical data could be lost if you haven’t fully done your due diligence. Take on the project and get it done. Keep track of how much you are saving the company and make sure your new boss knows about it.

Regarding your slacker colleagues, you are 100% right that ratting anyone out is a bad idea. Nobody likes a rat. It’s just human nature. But there has to be a better way of managing support tickets so that the work is more evenly distributed and dodging is not an option. Without naming names, you could share that the current process is unreliable and allows for too much leeway for team members to play the system. Maybe come up with a few ideas for a process that might work, and volunteer to experiment to find one that is equitable. You must know of better systems—especially if you’ve stayed up to speed with changes in your field of expertise.

What your new CTO will experience is someone who is honest (without being judgy) and eager to initiate change for the better. Hopefully, your input will be well received.

If it turns out that the new CTO is as disengaged as the last one, your best bet may be to go work with people who care about efficiency and professionalism as much as you do. But give the new person a chance. You never know; it could be great.

No sour grapes. Just candor, ideas for solutions, and enthusiasm.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a smart woman with an impeccable work ethic. I get more done in less time that just about anyone I know. The “Exceeds Expectations” box is checked on nearly every dimension of my performance reviews over the last few cycles.

I have been a director in my company for a few years now, and last month I did not get the promotion to AVP that I expected. It is a running joke in the organization that we have so many AVP’s—as in, you have to really not be delivering if you don’t get there in a few years. That is certainly not the case for me, so I finally cornered my boss for an explanation.

He was obviously worried that he might say something wrong, so he beat around the bush for a while. But what I finally got is that apparently I am perceived as too young, bright-eyed, and enthusiastic—and I lack “gravitas.” I had to look it up. To be fair, I am young and I look even younger than I am. I am super extroverted, love connecting with people, and have been called “vivacious.” My friend group nickname for me is “Bubbles.”

I tried to get my boss to tell me what I should change to be considered for a promotion, but he didn’t have much to say about that. He just kept saying “You need to work on your executive presence.”

Where do I start?

Bubbles

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Bubbles,

I want a friend named Bubbles. How delightful you sound. I am sorry that your assets (looking young, having so much energy, being enthusiastic) are working against you achieving your career goals. It tends to be the case that our greatest gifts can have a dark side. I feel bad for your boss, hapless as he is, because this kind of feedback can feel so personal. Since some of it might be connected to your being female, it could also get him in hot water with HR. So he has left you to figure it out on your own. That is pretty common.

Gravitas, according to Merriam-Webster, means: high seriousness (as in a person’s bearing or in the treatment of a subject). Oxford says: dignity, seriousness, or solemnity of manner. Essentially, people with gravitas are seen as expert, experienced, believable, steady, and trustworthy. I have experienced women getting the “gravitas” feedback quite a few times. And yes, it does always seem to be women. Although God forbid that a woman be perceived as dour, humorless, or a party pooper.

I’d love to say “Go ahead and continue to be your authentic self—your brilliance and work ethic will eventually speak for themselves,” but I would be doing you a disservice. Perception of others is not necessarily a true reality, but it is nevertheless a reality, and it is keeping you from getting what you want and deserve. There may be some value in making the effort to shift it. Not in trying to change your nature—I would never wish that on you, and it usually doesn’t work anyway—but in consciously managing your behaviors at work to shift others’ perception of you.

The key is to identify behaviors that make you seem young, overeager, impulsive, or somehow not serious. Ask your partner and your wonderful friends “What do I do that makes me seem young, or not serious, or not believable, or downright annoying?” Promise them you won’t get mad. Your feelings might get hurt a little—but better to know now, don’t you think? It could be very illuminating.

Now choose a few behaviors you think you might be able to notice and stop. Start with one:

1. Notice when you do it.
2. Pay attention to peoples’ reactions.
3. Wonder: What might I do differently? How might I express my opinion, thought, excitement with a little less—bubbliness?
4. Consider what is the shift—from what to what. See some examples below.
5. Try on a new way. You will fail. You will forget. Keep it up and notice how the reaction of others changes.

Once you get a good hold on one behavior, move down your list.

I can rely only on my own perceptions of people who lack gravitas to give you examples of potential shifts. Maybe some of these will resonate.

Here’s the thing, Bubbles—the silver lining of this situation is that it won’t last forever. The beauty of age is that you will gain the benefits of everything you have learned and achieved, and no one will dismiss you for being too young. And when you are the boss, you can still rely on your good behavior habits but allow yourself a little more leeway. You can wear the funkiest glasses you can find. You can guffaw. You can show your tattoos. You can be completely and unapologetically yourself. You will get there—age leaves no one behind. And until you do, direct people’s attention to what matters most about you—your intelligence, your work ethic, your commitment to excellence, and your knowledge and skills.

Effervesce all you want with your friends and family. Fizz away with pals at work who already “get” you, on breaks, offline.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I just read your blog Boss Keeps Interrupting You? Ask Madeleine. Excellent points there, particularly the pre-meeting meeting. My problem is a boss who talks over me chronically.

I am the EVP of Marketing. My CEO believes he has a high and authoritative understanding of every marketing topic. My experience is that you can fake marketing until it comes to results. Although I have a good rapport and mutual respect with my colleagues, I’m often left flustered in a group meeting.

Unfortunately, results get compromised as the CEO changes his mind on campaigns or events at the worst possible time despite briefings, confirmations, and published timelines. I am not a good advocate for myself in this situation, as I know challenging or correcting the CEO would be a career limiting activity.

I could use an idea or two.

CEO Whiplash

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear CEO Whiplash,

Thanks for the kind words. I love it when past articles prompt interesting questions!

There are two separate issues here. One is your CEO wreaking havoc. The other is your self-assessment that you get flustered and that you are not a good advocate for yourself.

Let’s start with your CEO who is frustrating you. CEOs usually fit one of two personality profiles:

1. The very cerebral, analytical, organized thinker who probably is a lot smarter than anyone else in the room (and—weirdly—usually taller). This CEO is seeking sound logical thinking and accuracy, and Excel is their first native language.

OR

• The visionary, super creative entrepreneur who moves way faster than everyone else and changes the plan with no thought as to how it will affect the troops. This CEO thinks in pictures and stories and gets really excited by new ideas.

These two profiles present very different challenges. It sounds like you would do very well with Profile #1, but your CEO is #2. So how do you successfully keep up and manage the personality profile I like to think of as “Taz”? (Based on the cartoon character Tasmanian Devil, this happens to be a profile I’ve become extremely familiar with.)

The thing to understand about folks with this profile is that they tend to think out loud, which can cause real confusion.

A client of mine recently was appalled that one of his direct reports spent an entire weekend creating a full plan to deliver on an idea that had been floated in a Friday meeting. My client didn’t even think it was a good idea and forgot all about it, but he felt terrible that it ruined someone’s weekend. After some thought, he went back to his team and said, “In my mind, there are three kinds of idea conversations: the speculation conversation, the evaluation conversation, and the planning conversation. All of these conversations need to happen before anybody takes dedicated action—especially time-consuming action.”

I suspect your CEO has the same thing going on, but doesn’t have the self-awareness to realize it. So when he is throwing out ideas and speculating on potentially changing your carefully crafted plans, he could very well be simply brainstorming. Speculating. You are right that correcting or challenging your CEO, especially in front of others, would not be good for you. But there is a big difference between a confrontation in the moment and acting on everything that comes out of your CEO’s mouth. Right now those are the two options you have created for yourself. I recommend you expand your options because both of those are bad for you. You need alternatives that not only ensure your CEO feels heard and validated, but also keep you from being overwhelmed with change orders that aren’t going to produce the desired results.

From lose/lose to win/win.

What this means for you is that you have to listen carefully to your CEO, reflect back all of his ideas (no matter how silly or absurd), and make sure he feels fully heard. How to do this? Use classic negotiating techniques: mirror back everything your CEO says, and label.

A conversation from the past might have gone something like this:

CEO: “Hey, that email campaign should include the new product idea we are considering.”

You: “Uhhhhh.” (You’re thinking it’s a terrible idea.)

CEO: “You know, so we can share info on the one we are launching, but also seed the newest ideas and maybe get feedback.”

You: “Well …” (You’re thinking, oh god, that will never work.)

CEO: “Yeah, don’t you think we could share news on the new stuff but also be doing market research?”

You: “Actually, it doesn’t really work well to do that.”

CEO (cutting you off): “I think we should totally try it.”

Chris Voss, author of Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As if Your Life Depends on It accurately says that people hear your inner voice as well as they hear your outer voice. So if you are thinking, “OMG this guy is a complete moron,” your CEO will hear it and then dig his heels in to drive his point home. So keep that inner voice in its corner, keep the judgment off your face, and try mirroring.

A future conversation could go something like this:

CEO: “Hey, that email campaign should include the new product idea we are considering.”

You: “Include the new product?” (Taking notes.)

CEO: “You know, so we can share info on the one we are launching, but also seed the newest ideas and maybe get feedback.”

You: “Get feedback.” (Nodding yes.)

CEO: “Yeah, don’t you think we could share news on the new stuff but also be doing market research?”

You: “Market research.” (Looking intrigued.)

CEO: “Actually, you already have a whole market research project going on, don’t you? That’s probably a bad idea.”

When you use mirroring and keep your curious/open-minded hat on, chances are that your CEO will either come to the reasonable conclusion himself or forget all about it. So how do you keep your curious hat on, you ask? Remember that your CEO is, in fact, the CEO—so he probably isn’t a complete idiot. He may even throw out a truly innovative idea occasionally. So keep your ears open for it!

This will keep you from having to worry about arguing, correcting, or advocating for your own ideas in the moment, which is fiendishly difficult for most of us. Even if that doesn’t quite work out, it will be worth developing the skill.

Mirroring is the next step.

You: “It sounds like you feel strongly that we should alter the email campaign for the release to do double duty, is that right?”

CEO: “Yeah, what do you think of that?”

You: “I hadn’t considered it. There might be a good idea there. Let me take the idea and flesh it out to see how it could work, okay?”

The beauty of this approach is that you aren’t caving in immediately to his demands—you are saying “maybe.” “No” feels like a loss, while “maybe” feels like possibility. Nobody likes “no.” Shifting to “maybe,” “let me think about it,” “wow, good thinking, let me consider that,” or “let me research that and get back to you” is an excellent move for people who are struggling to maintain boundaries.

Then, jot down a quick outline of the fleshed-out idea with all the reasons it is a bad idea (research, experiences you have had) and have it in your back pocket for the moment your CEO asks about it. Be ready with your excellent arguments that show “that idea won’t get us the results we want, and here’s why.” You probably won’t ever need this because I am willing to bet money on his forgetting about it immediately.

If push comes to shove with your CEO, you can take better care of yourself by being ready to ask “What do you really want me to do with this idea? Do you want me to create a plan to show you, or is this an idea you simply want me to consider carefully?” The key to managing conversations with people who cut you off and never let you talk is to keep your contributions either short or in the form of a question.

As you say, the key is your results. If you nod your head yes, listen carefully, and change absolutely nothing about what you do after the meeting or how you are delivering, there is a very good chance that all will be well. And you’ll have some new skills you can use with a cranky neighbor, a teenager, or the next customer service representative you have to wrestle with.

Let me know how it goes.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior leader in a mid-sized organization. I introduced a new strategic approach to the organization about six months ago. In some parts of the organization, things are going well. In other areas, however, people are just not catching on. Specifically, four departments are still doing things the old way and acting as if nothing has changed. I am sick of people “yessing” me and then ignoring the new procedures.

What to do? I feel like a …

Broken Record

Dear Broken Record,

There are a minimum of 200 excellent books on managing change—and there is a reason for that. Change is the boogie monster of all leaders because people resist change. What most leaders forget is that they spent between six and twelve months thinking about the change before it was announced to the people. They are bored with all the conversation about change and are ready to move on long before anyone else is. So yes, you probably sound like a broken record to yourself, but I guarantee you will be playing your song a lot longer than you ever thought you would. But you can vary it.

Change happens one person at a time. Each person goes through predictable and sequential concerns about change. These concerns, if not surfaced and addressed, can present formidable roadblocks to the successful implementation of change. You can identify where each person is in their change process and meet them where they are. It sounds like several of your key folks are still in the first couple of stages, so you must breathe deeply and be patient.

The Stages of Concern are:

Information Concerns. People want specifics about the change process. They want to have the chance to ask questions about the gap between what is and what could be. They want honest and direct answers. Key questions at this stage include:

• What is the change?
• Why is it needed?
• What’s wrong with the way things are now?
• How much and how fast does the organization need to change?

A good assumption at this stage is that people are smart, and if they had access to the same information their leaders had they would come to the same conclusions. Leaders need to be careful at this stage to provide information about the change process rather than try to sell it, and to talk in terms of what the change is and what it could mean to the organization.

Personal Concerns. This stage of concern is often ignored, which is the primary reason so many change initiatives fail. I mean, really, every human being wants to know how things are going to affect them. Our first question is always What about me? It is simply human nature. At this stage, people want to know either how the change initiative will benefit them or what they will lose. Specifically, people want to know:

• How will the change affect me personally?
• What’s in it for me?
• Will I win or lose?

Implementation Concerns. At this stage, leaders need to specifically spell out a detailed change plan about how and when the change will be launched, what resources are available, who will test the change, and how the change will be measured and supported. Questions include:

• How will I find time to implement this change?
• Will I need to learn new skills or do I have the necessary skills now?
• Where do I get help?
• How long will this take?
• Is what we are experiencing typical?
• How will the organization’s structure and systems change?

Remember, the change leadership team needs to include informal leaders and advocates for the change who can help craft a realistic and credible project plan.

Impact Concerns. Now the change is underway and people are interested in learning whether the change is starting to pay off. People focus on issues such as:

• Is the change making a difference?
• Is the effort worth it?
• Are we making progress?

If leaders have done a good job addressing the first three stages of concern, this is the point in the process where people will begin to sell themselves on the benefits of the change. By successfully addressing the initial stages of concern, leaders will find that their employees are more open to the change at this point, willing to advocate it, and ready to evaluate the change on its merits. It is at this stage that an organization will also want to give focus to building change leaders for the future.

Refinement Concerns focus on continual improvements. At this last stage, the change is well on its way and employees are now focused on new ways to innovate. People may wonder if alternative approaches would work better. They may want to play a role in helping to modify the approach to the change process to leverage lessons of the past. The leader’s role is to encourage this refinement, support further innovation, and invite others to challenge the status quo. At this stage, leaders might ask:

• What ideas do you have for further improvement?
• What might work better?

Most leaders think so much about the change before announcing it that, after the launch, they are immediately ready to have in-depth conversations about refinement—but everyone else is at square one. The status quo is what people know. They have figured out how to be successful in it. The status quo will eat your good strategy change ideas for lunch unless you walk people through their concerns step by step.

Are you bored yet? You probably are. Get the help of someone who is extremely disciplined with process and put them in charge of being the broken record, with constant communication targeted toward alleviating people’s main concerns. People are yessing you because you either stopped listening to them or never listened to them in the first place. You need to listen and listen and listen. Meet people where they are and show them you care about their concerns.

Take a deep breath, Broken Record, and slow way down, listen, and then listen some more. People will come around just in time for you to launch your next big change, and you can start all over again!

And just so you know: as a leader, if you don’t sound like a broken record, you are probably doing it wrong.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am the general manager of a hotel property. I have always received great performance reviews, have high employee retention numbers (a big issue in my business) and my teams seem to really like working with me.

About nine months ago I got a new boss and she is a crazy micromanager. She doesn’t seem to understand that I have been doing this job successfully for five years. She is always breathing down my neck and questioning every decision I make. It takes more time to keep her satisfied than it takes to do all the other things I need to do.

It is demoralizing and exhausting. I want to tell her to back off and let me do my job. How can I do that?

Over Managed

Dear Over Managed,

You can’t. You can fantasize about it, but it isn’t going to get you what you are looking for, which is more autonomy. Your new boss is probably just nervous about doing well herself and is operating out of old habit driven by an overabundance of caution.

Here is what I suggest. Ask for some extra time with your boss after you have addressed the day-to-day nuts and bolts. Tell her you want to check in about how she thinks you are doing and about your working relationship. Be prepared to ask some big, open-ended questions to get her talking, such as:

• Is there anything I am doing that keeps you from having confidence in me
• How can I make it easier for you to trust me with __ (fill in one of your responsibility areas)?
• What can I do to increase your belief that you can rely on me?
• What would you need to see from me to be more comfortable with less supervision?
• Why are you so uptight? (Totally kidding on this one, just checking to see if you are paying attention.)

See what she has to say. Don’t let yourself get defensive if she gives you feedback. Listen, take notes, and say thank you. Be prepared to take a stand for being left to your own devices with one or two areas that you know you have down pat—not the whole job, just a few areas, so you have someplace to start. With any luck, once you prove yourself to be dependable with one or more areas, she will ease up. The key is to consistently demonstrate competence.

Side note: In a new manager/employee relationship, it is better for the manager to start with tight supervision and then back off as the employee demonstrates competence. If the manager starts off being laid back, it is almost impossible to tighten up in the event it becomes necessary.

If it’s really hard for you to fight the urge to tell off the boss, I recommend getting it all off your chest with a good friend or your dog. Just get it all out so it doesn’t get in the way of your being open and curious when you do talk to her. Asking questions and drawing her out will get you much better results.

Your courage and openness should help get things on an even keel—but she may not change her MO. Ever. She may not be able to. If that ends up being the case, you will have a big decision to make. Good hotel GMs are in high demand!

Love,
Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!