Dear Madeleine,

I work on a great team. We do good work together, and we seem to always find a way to hit our milestones and deadlines. My problem is that our team lead seems to be inappropriately dependent on me.

He is pretty much AWOL most of the time and I am the only person on the team that he has regular contact with. He asked me to create a report to send him every week outlining where the team is with key projects. He sends me to almost all cross-functional meetings in his place, and I report back with updates on the agenda items, what decisions were made, etc.

Whenever anyone on the team has a problem, they hit me up on Slack and I am generally able to help them out. When I do feel the need to escalate, I send an email to the team lead and hope for a response, though I rarely get one. I usually end up using my best judgment and sending him an email telling him what I decided.

It took me a couple of months to notice just how out of contact he is with the rest of the team. I went for drinks with a couple of team members the other night and the topic came up.

It is now obvious to me that everyone on the team sees me as their leader and that nobody really knows what happened to our lead. We all feel like he just kind of fell off the planet. I am just not sure what to make of this.

I don’t really mind. I enjoy being helpful and I am able to get all of my work done, so the extra time isn’t a problem. But I worry that I am letting myself be taken advantage of. I also worry about what is going to happen when it comes to performance reviews, which are coming up soon. I know who on the team puts the time and effort in and who does the bare minimum, but I don’t feel like it is my job to be calling that out.

I am afraid my lead is going to ask me to handle the performance reviews and I need to be prepared. I think if I am going to do my boss’s job, I need to be paid more and be given the title. Ultimately, it seems unfair to me and to the team.

I have thought about bringing this up with him, but our infrequent 1×1’s are always rushed and packed with so many urgent things, there is never enough time.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

Missing Team Lead

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Missing Team Lead,

I’m sorry—this situation sounds frustrating and upsetting. As someone with a high personal need for clarity, this would drive me insane. You don’t mention when it started or if something changed. Whatever happened to cause your manager to go missing in action, he should have asked you to take a larger role. He should have reached some clear agreements with you about how you would step up and negotiated how the added responsibility might be appropriately acknowledged and rewarded. It is really just that simple. You have definitely been put in an unfair position, and so far you have been a good sport about it. The question is what to do about it.

The choices available to you as always, variations on the classic:

1. Do nothing.
2. Do something.
3. Remove yourself from the situation.

As you think this through, your first step is to decide for yourself just how much ambiguity you can live with for how long, and identify what you really want. If you simply seek clarity, that might be easier to achieve than you expect. Or perhaps you simply want acknowledgement. If what you really want is a promotion, or even a bump in pay, that might be a little trickier. But if you don’t ask, the answer is always no, so getting more comfortable with asking for what you need will serve you well.

You really can do nothing and prepare to stay mum about anyone on the team. At some point your manager will either reappear, resign, or be fired—at which time hopefully you will be promoted to the role you have been doing.

The most obvious “do something” is to have the hard conversation with your AWOL boss. A model you might use to prepare, that has been extremely helpful to many of my clients, is Conversational Capacity. The author, Craig Weber, proposes that we all need to practice a mix of curiosity and candor. You might practice curiosity by asking your manager what is going on with him that is causing him to be so detached from work. You could practice candor by stating your position and how you arrived at it. You can read more about this here. Be clear about what you are experiencing, and express your concerns without blame or judgment. I recommend you practice with a friend to get both the words and the neutral tone right.

Another option would be to speak to your boss’s boss about it—but that depends entirely on your company’s culture. Only you can know if that approach would yield the result you want. If you have a good relationship with your boss’s boss, it could work. Again, avoid blame and judgment.

Removing yourself from the situation would mean trying to find another job, which would probably be overkill. But you could just stop stepping up and see what happens.

Once you decide what you really want and what you are willing to do (and risk) to get it, the choice will reveal itself. You sound level-headed and competent. I suspect you will find your way.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I’m dealing with a very weird situation. I’m on a large cross-functional team made up of leads and managers. Our leader is the new EVP of operational excellence. He seems to really like some of the members of the team and really dislike others. He regularly forgets to include the people he dislikes in critical meetings and decisions. He makes snarky remarks when someone he dislikes floats an idea, only to compliment the next person who says practically the same thing.

He has created a division between the liked people and the disliked people. It is subtle, and I’m not sure I would have noticed it if one of my best friends at work wasn’t on team reject. When she pointed it out, I couldn’t unsee it. I feel lucky to find myself in the in-group, but can also see how the situation is headed for disaster.

I lead teams myself and can’t understand what this new guy is up to, why he is doing this, or how he hopes to succeed. He also does other things that make no sense, but this particular thing is the worst of it.

What would you do in this situation? I am at a total loss.

So Confused

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear So Confused,

Getting operational excellence right is hard enough without shenanigans like this. One trait of a toxic leader is to play favorites. It destabilizes teams by destroying trust. There is a good chance your new EVP is totally unconscious of what he is doing and the effect it is having. In my opinion, this is the behavior of someone who needs to have power over others and achieves it by keeping people nervous and jumpy. If he bullies some people and not others, it automatically creates a reflex in the not-bullied group to stay on his good side, and slowly silences everyone.

 It sounds like this person is not your direct boss, nor the boss of your friend who has been relegated to the out-group, so it may not affect your performance review if this cross-functional team doesn’t accomplish anything. But that may not be true for your friend.

You have a few choices here, but none of them are attractive.

You can do nothing, which will inevitably impact the relationship with your friend.

You can get together with your friend and brainstorm what the two of you could do to change the situation. You might consider recruiting a few more team members from both the in-group and the out-group to engineer some kind of revolt. If you could manage to pull the whole team together, you could include HR to conduct an intervention of sorts. It would only work if the entire team was on board and unanimously demanded that everyone on the team be treated with respect.

You might consider going to the EVP and pointing out what you are observing—but that could be a career-ending move. People who need to have power over others usually aren’t keen to get feedback from anyone, especially not from someone they see as a subordinate. It depends on how much power he has and what kind of trust he has built with his peers and his superiors. Along those lines, you might practice standing up for people he is snarky with—but again, it’s possible all that will accomplish is to get yourself relegated to “team reject,” as you call it.

Look at the situation from all angles with as many of your team members as you trust. If a majority of the team agrees to stick together, you might have a chance to shift the ugly behavior. At the very least, you can probably ensure that nothing gets done, and let it reflect badly on the EVP. Does it appear that I’m condoning subversive behavior? I guess I am, because if people don’t stand up for themselves and each other, leaders like your EVP end up getting promoted and wreaking more havoc from an even stronger position.

Document every incident you remember and start keeping a running log of unacceptable behavior moving forward. This way, you will have a leg to stand on should the situation escalate. It would probably be up to your friend to take this whole mess to HR and to her boss. You might also mention the situation to your own boss, if you trust them.

The more you can get the team to stick together, the better chance you have of getting the EVP to change—or better yet, getting him removed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was lucky to land an incredibly cool job right out of school. I am in digital marketing and work on a team that supports influencers and artists, each with their own defined brand profiles. As a team, we are constantly sharing ideas, brainstorming, and coming up with creative new angles to suggest to our clients.

My problem is that one of my colleagues, who has kind of become a friend, seems to be developing a habit of telling people my ideas are actually hers. It is jarring! In our weekly meetings, my boss gives her credit for some of my original ideas. It took me a while to figure this out, but someone else on the team also noticed it so I started paying closer attention.

I haven’t said anything yet, I honestly don’t know what to say. My boss constantly talks about what a great team we are, “better together” and all that. How can I deal with this without looking like I’m throwing shade like a big whiny baby? I don’t want anyone to think I am not a team player, but I also don’t want someone else to get credit for my ideas. Plus, it is impacting the new friendship because I don’t trust her anymore.

I brought this up with some close friends and I am getting advice that’s all over the place. What do you think?

Idea Thief on the Loose

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Idea Thief on the Loose,

I will admit to having a reflexive reaction—that your “friend” is a snake in the grass, and you should immediately find ways to protect yourself.

Then I employed my usual process, which is to apply universal laws or principles that have proven to be sound over decades of use:

• Give people the benefit of the doubt until you have clear evidence they do not deserve that benefit.
• If you are feeling paranoid you might be right, unless it is a pattern for you.
• If you have strong evidence your instincts are usually correct, you should trust them.

Which brings me back to my initial thought: Your “friend” is a snake in the grass, and you should immediately find ways to protect yourself. It is sad because there is nothing so grand as working with a thought partner or team where everyone has good ideas, people give each other credit, and the trust and synergy is so high that nobody can even remember whose idea something was.

Heeding your own experience is just smart. The worst case would be that you are wrong, Idea Thief is able to rebuild trust with you, you make a good friend, and you learn something. The best case would be that you send a message you are not to be messed with.

The question is what to do about it. How can you protect yourself without seeming oversensitive and risking being perceived as less than a team player?

Here are some thoughts:

• Build advocacy in the group: If someone else on the team has noticed it, it won’t be long before others do, too. There might be a way to arrange for someone other than you to point out when Idea Thief acts as if something you said was her idea.
• Don’t waste time second-guessing yourself or speculating about Idea Thief’s motives. It won’t help you.
• If you are still spending one-on-one time with Idea Thief, under no circumstances should you talk about work, share what you are working on, or in any way reveal what you are thinking about. You may notice she tries to get you talking—resist the urge.
• It might be tricky, but if you trust your boss you could share your concerns with them. Tricky because you don’t want to come across as a credit hog, but you do think it is important that credit be given to whom it is due. You can certainly explain that to your manager. You can also explain that you understand how lots of great ideas come from iterating with the team, but you think it is important for your boss to know where some of those ideas originated. You don’t have to whine about it but you do have to make sure they know what’s what.

I also consulted a couple of my own trusted advisors—one young person in particular told me she has seen this happen on teams and has been in your shoes. She is a few years ahead of you career-wise, and has worked in some high-pressure, cutthroat environments. Here is her advice:

“This is a growth opportunity for the letter writer; a chance for them to regularly document their ideas for visibility. It sounds like the leader isn’t doing a whole lot of leading; they are placing their focus on generating new ideas and not taking the time to see the people behind those ideas. The writer needs to bring the receipts: if they haven’t already, they must start their own independent documentation of what they bring to the table. If the manager is overlooking the person’s ideas and contributions now, what do they think will happen in their performance reviews? It’s time to protect themselves. If they have a 1:1 document shared with their manager, it’s time to start taking stock of what they bring to the team. If I were the employee, in my next 1:1 I would ask my leader for feedback on how I present my ideas. Maybe they aren’t presenting their ideas in a confident way to the group, and it allows the other person to steal their moment.”

I think that pretty much says it all, my friend. The idea of documenting all your interactions and contributions is a really good one. It might seem self-interested to you now, but the discipline will, in fact, serve you very well over time. In most businesses, yours in particular, the competition will only become more intense over time. You will always be your own best advocate. Your radar for people who don’t have your back will also be useful.

You don’t need to become a Machiavellian manipulator, but you can’t be naive either. The good news is if you stay the course and end up in a leadership position, you will be good at noticing who brings what to the table. You will have the luxury of not needing to take credit and happily sharing it with your people. I wish for you to find a super high-trust team to work with in the future, but until then: be strong, be fierce, and don’t let anyone take anything from you that you aren’t willing to give.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a large publishing company. I started here because my dream is to someday be a published author, so I thought I would at least be in the industry.

I have been here for four years. I started in marketing and am now an editorial assistant, which sounds a lot loftier than it is. I get a lot of coffee, manage schedules, and, very occasionally, read submissions.

Anytime I am asked to do anything remotely editorial, I end up doing it on my own time, because my boss—who is very erratic and disorganized—is constantly throwing tasks my way. I also get tasks from other editors who apparently don’t trust their own EA to do them correctly. My free time is when I work on my novel.

My boss recently asked me if I would be interested in managing all the editorial assistants. It sounds like I would still have my job as her editorial assistant, but would also oversee the nitty-gritty for all the others (there are six of us). Basically, none of the senior editors want to do the paperwork involved with annual reviews, vacation requests, or dealing with poor performance.

My boss is positioning this as a promotion. There would be a bump in pay, which would be welcome since the pay is barely adequate as it is (some EA’s work remote, but I am in NYC and the cost of living is absurd). However, the job would entail a lot of responsibility, which would make it almost impossible for me to do the work I want to be doing. Plus, all these people are my friends, and I would be taking the side of their boss in holding them accountable and giving them feedback.

I already know who the slackers are—the ones who duck work and slide by doing the bare minimum. What I really want is a promotion to full-time editor. I have never wanted to manage people; I can barely manage myself. I want more money, but this feels like I’m making a deal with the devil. Also, if I don’t take it, one of my peers will and then I would potentially report to someone I know way too well and don’t respect.

I am in such a muddle. I don’t want to sell out my dream. Can you help me with this?

Deal with the Devil?

___________________________________________________________

Dear Deal with the Devil,

Yes. I can.

I can tell you that you already know the answer. There is no muddle here. You see the whole landscape very clearly. The editors are trying to delegate work that is at best tedious, at worst emotionally draining.

Trying to manage your peers will be the exact nightmare you anticipate. You will be able to manage the poor shmo who eventually bites this fishhook. Just don’t let your lack of respect show.

If you need time to write, you must fight to protect it. You can live without expensive treats like Starbucks, but you can’t give up on your dream. Not yet, anyway.

There are not that many truths to live by. For example, when something seems too good to be true, it is. When people tell you who they are, listen. The one to apply in your case is when you suspect you are making a deal with the devil, you are.

Write.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I am an obsessive reader, so if you need readers, I promise I will read your novel.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have risen through the ranks of my organization very quickly. Last year I took on a lot of new responsibilities with almost no direction, did a good job, and got a raise and a promotion. My boss, the president of the company, has told me several times that he sees me as partner material.

One of my superpowers is figuring things out—but I fear I have reached my limit in one area.

I keep asking my boss for more clarity on what is expected of me to be able to reach partner. And he keeps saying I need to become “more comfortable with ambiguity.” It is maddening. If I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I would be doing it. But he won’t tell me.

Any ideas for me on how to break through this impasse?

Flying Blind

______________________________________________________________________

Flying Blind,

You have just described the exact conundrum of making the leap from operational leadership to strategic leadership. When you reach the top ranks of any organization, the biggest shift is that there is no longer anyone to tell you what to do. What your boss is trying to express is that at the level you are playing, it is up to you to use your best judgment and make it up.

What most people don’t realize (until they are doing it) is that executive leadership is a wildly creative—and risky—business. When people are young, a little naïve, and lacking in experience, it can be incredibly exciting. When people have suffered the pain of making expensive mistakes, it can be terrifying.

Here is an article published recently: “The Ultimate Test: What I learned about leadership from Covid-19” that lays out exactly what I mean.

Managing ambiguity literally means figuring out how to get things done when things are not clear, nothing is certain, and there is no road map. It means looking at the whole picture and envisioning the path from where things are now to where you and the other senior leaders say you want to be.

Almost nothing you have been good at or thought you knew up till now is going to help you much, but it can be a good foundation. You will be required to let go of your addiction to checking tasks off your list and get comfortable with moving from incomplete task to incomplete task. For people who define themselves by their ability to get things done, this is a mind-bending transition. Get used to spending your time sharing your vision for the direction your people need to go and experimenting with approaches. Be prepared to adapt as new information comes in, and to pivot if necessary.

The metaphor that has been helpful to many is instead of checkers, you are now playing chess. Instead of moving all your pieces across the board quickly in a day or a week, you will now be lucky to make one or two moves in that time. Each move will require a lot of thought and consideration, frequent checking with others on the team, and possibly accepting a temporary fix until new information is revealed. It is dealing with constant change—and the job is never done.

One thing you can’t do on your own is decide on strategic imperatives. If your boss cannot articulate those, you can push for the leadership team to make decisions on what they are. Once you have those, and a sense of a budget, you will have to make up the rest.

Hopefully, you have organizational values to guide your decisions. If you don’t, you will have to decide on your own leadership values. That means you must know what is most important. That is a whole can of worms in itself and you can find more on that here. If your organization has not spent the time to articulate its values, you can advocate for putting some attention on that. Get some arguments for doing that here.

To be a partner means to be a co-owner with the other partners. Your boss is waiting for you to be brave. So be brave.

Make a plan for what you think needs to be done for you and your people to achieve, or even exceed, the strategic goals that have been set. Do you have the right people in the right seats? (Do they have the skills to do the job the way it needs to be done?) If not, how will you address that issue? Do you have all the resources you need? What hasn’t been thought about yet? What obstacles need to be cleared?

Let me be clear here: this is not a plan for how you will make partner. It is a plan for how you will lead your people to accomplish what needs to be done for the organization. It isn’t about you, it is about the success of your team and the organization.

Lay out the path for how you will do everything. Make a list of the unknowns and the obstacles you can see today. You will be worried that you’ve made mistakes, that you’ve missed something, and that it won’t be perfect—which will almost certainly be the case. That’s OK. No one and nothing is perfect right out of the gate.

Take your plan to your boss as your best guess of what you think you should be doing in the next 12 to 18 months and see what he says. Talk it through, get feedback, and share it with other leaders in the organization. If you think you are right about something that others disagree with, have the courage of your convictions and make your case. Or, if you think someone else’s point of view makes sense, let yourself be influenced. Then tweak the plan, share it with your team, and go.

You have passed the point of studying for the quiz and getting 100% and a gold star. You are now in unknown territory where you have to make your own map, and the test is about making decisions in the absence of enough information. Not only are there no gold stars on offer now, you will be surrounded by people who think they could do it better if they were in your shoes.

You say you have reached your limit for figuring things out? I say you are just getting started. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You are signing up for a bumpy but exciting ride!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently graduated from college and started my first job. The job I was offered was the one I wanted, but on my first day I was moved to a different department and given a job that does not come close to the description of the job I signed up for. The person who hired me is no longer my manager and my new manager has no idea who I am. I show up at team meetings and my manager calls me “Kid,” which I find demeaning. I am fairly sure he does it because he doesn’t know my name.

This all seems unfair to me. I don’t know anyone well enough to try to figure out what is going on. I recently reviewed my employment contract and there isn’t anything in it about what job I would be doing or whom I would report to, so I don’t think I have any recourse legally. I asked my parents, but they are so relieved I have a job, they just tell me to keep my head down and do what I am told.

It just doesn’t seem right to me, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Shunted Around

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Shunted Around,

It probably isn’t fair, and it sounds pretty chaotic. I am sorry that your first job experience seems to have gotten off to such a rocky start. It must feel very disconcerting. I do have some ideas for you.

I agree with your parents, but not with their reason. The job market is hot right now and you would be able to get a different job if you wanted one. I just think it might serve you to give the situation a chance. Take a minute to step back and figure things out, get to know some people, and see if you will be able to make it work. Jumping ship at the very first sign of a challenge means you will never know what you might have missed. Stay and try to get a clear picture of the organization.

Seek to find answers to the following:

• What are the organization’s values? Do they have any, do they try to live by them, and can you align with them?
• Will you be able to use your strengths and find a career path where you are?
• Can you reach out to your new manager and make yourself known to him?
• Can you find people you like and can relate to?
• Are you interested in what the company does—its products and/or services?

Decide how much time you want to give yourself, and then, if you aren’t satisfied with the answers to the questions you have asked, you can start looking for a job.

The one thing I know for sure is that every organization out there is experiencing an unprecedented volume and speed of change. The one you are in is a perfect example of what I see happening everywhere. Political unrest, climate disasters, economic instability, and turbulent social transformation are all forcing leaders of companies to experiment rapidly to be as successful as possible. There is no blueprint available to help them—so if it feels like they are making stuff up as they go, that’s probably exactly what’s happening.

You are not the only one trying to just hang on for what may be a very bumpy ride.

It is entirely possible that your new manager can’t remember your name. He is no doubt just as discombobulated as you are. Our organization has many new people I am scrambling to keep straight, so I can relate. You can choose to take offense at being called “Kid,” or you can revel in the fact that you are so young that it makes sense for someone to call you that. The one thing you have on your side is time, which is a luxury you won’t appreciate until it’s gone. If your manager assumes your work ethic or your intelligence is lacking because of your age, that is a different story. In my experience, the term “Kid” is usually not ill intended. As you get to know your manager, you can respectfully ask that he not use it. But who knows—by then it might feel like a term of endearment.

Try not to fixate too much on fairness, although it is natural to do so. There is so much unfairness in the world and in large, complex systems. Save your ire for those moments when you are being asked to do unethical things or things you don’t know how to do with no training, or when you are seriously underpaid, or when your workload is unreasonable. The chaos and turbulence you are experiencing right now are unfair to everyone in the organization, so it isn’t personal. You aren’t being singled out.

Breathe. Take a step back. Stay open. Try not to worry so much. Just keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Decide on what criteria about the job matters most to you and whether this position can meet them. Experiment with influencing and steering your ship through stormy waters.

You ultimately may decide you do have to leave, but you will have learned so much.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I need your professional advice on career goals or growth.

I worked in the construction industry for 25 years, starting out as an electrician and moving up to a field manager. I essentially went from pulling wiring through conduit to managing the entire field operation on very large, multi-million-dollar commercial and industrial projects. During this time I also was in the US Army National Guard and was called to active duty in 2002. I was wounded in combat and spent the next three years in and out of hospitals and physical therapy.

When I went back to work, I had a hard time with the physical aspects of my job. I decided to use my VA benefits and found a new job with the federal government as an engineering technician. I was technically still in the field, but now I was just making sure others did what they were contracted to do. It was easier work, fewer hours, and a much more secure future. I have done government work now in various roles for 15 years and have moved up the GS ladder in pay and responsibility.

The government is always pushing for individual and leadership development—“grow up, not down” kind of stuff. To be honest, I’m happy where I am. I don’t want more responsibility and I don’t really want to be a supervisor any longer. When I have said this to my current boss and to some past bosses, they have all asked me why I don’t just go back to the private sector if I feel that way. I don’t understand this, because the growth and development situation was essentially the same in the private sector.

Here’s my question: am I wrong? Should I grow even though I’ll be miserable? I know I won’t be the best I can be. I’m a very good leader but not a good manager. I can inspire others and motivate them to be part of the team, to be themselves, and to contribute all they can in their way. I have an open, creative, teaching mind but I hate the daily grind of supervising people, the miasma of mundane paperwork and budgets, and the sand in my eyes at the end of a long day of computer work.

I have 10 years left before retiring to just work when I want to work, so should I give the government 10 good years doing what I want or should I give them 10 years doing what they want? I’m at the most common rank in the management levels of government service. I have been more senior and could easily keep going on up, but I’d rather just take it easy and slack off on growing and doing.

I know it sounds like I don’t care, but that isn’t it. I just really like the way the job is at this level. Am I wrong in wanting this?

Done Pushing

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Dear Done Pushing,

No. Just No.

Thoughts and feelings are what they are and simply can’t be wrong. The only thing you can do that’s wrong is take an action you may regret without having carefully consulted your thoughts and feelings.

I tried to shorten your letter but I wanted our readers to get the whole picture. It seems to me that you have done more than your duty to your government by anyone’s standards. You’ve earned the right to create your life exactly the way you want it to be. And just who, I ask, is the arbiter of what anyone has earned or deserves? It also sounds like you do your job well and are satisfied with the compensation, so it is a fair exchange.

Long ago I worked with an opera singer who was immensely gifted and had put in long hours to develop her natural talent. She was on the brink of stardom when she realized that the life and career of an opera star wasn’t what she wanted. She was extremely religious and tortured herself with the thought that because God gave her the gift of an extraordinary voice, she was obligated to use it. At the time, I was specializing in working with creative geniuses, many with the overwhelming problem of having been born with multiple gifts. This includes the singer, who was also good at many other things. So the notion that you are obligated to develop and use your gifts just doesn’t compute when you have entirely too many. It took seeing the world through the eyes of these clients for me to realize a principle that I lean on to this day:

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

And that goes for everyone. Including you.

In the singer’s case, she felt beholden to God. In your case, you feel somehow beholden to your government. I can’t speak for God, obviously, but I will say that his ways are inscrutable and mysterious, so you have to listen to your inner voice and your heart. I say the only debts you owe are to yourself and the people you have made promises to.  It doesn’t sound like you are breaking any promises you made to your employer. And you would not be putting your integrity at risk for failing to accept a promotion.

Let’s face it—growth requires discomfort. Some people love being in a constant state of growth and relish the challenge. Others don’t. You might take a few years off to rest and then get bored and change your mind. Or you might not. It is not for anyone else to judge your choices; not that they won’t (ha ha), but it really makes no material difference to you. You can take the pushy advice lightly, say thank you, and change the subject. No use burning bridges, so keep your options open.

The most miserable, unhappy people I have worked with were almost all in a state where they had created a life that others wanted for them, not one they wanted for themselves. And the higher you go, the harder it is to undo those choices.

So no. You aren’t wrong. You get one life, my friend. Are you going to live it the way you want, or the way others want?

I hope this is helpful.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am senior project manager for a global construction firm. I am one of the very few women in the organization, and wouldn’t you know, my problem is with one of them. She is a peer to me, and we have very different but overlapping roles.

The fundamental problem is that she changes decisions I have made on design and materials, without consulting me, and instructs others on the project not to mention it to me. Some of these people report to me and are thoroughly confused and stressed out about who is in charge. The decisions she changes are not hers to change. Sometimes they are decent, other times not so much. She has a different skill set from me (I have degrees in structural engineering and design, she does not) and she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know.

I need to put the extra work in to change some of her decisions back or risk some real problems. I would be happy to get her input and consider it—she does have good ideas. I have quite literally begged her to stop doing it. She is always very cordial and agreeable, and agrees to stop, but then she does it again.

I have asked our boss to have a meeting with both of us to clarify roles/responsibilities, and he snorts and says, “You guys need to work this stuff (not the s word he uses) out.”  He has referred several times to our conflict as a “catfight.”  It is insulting.

This has been going on for years, and I have just let it roll off my back even though it drives me nuts. The workload is so intense that I figured I should keep my head down and it would work itself out. Boy, was I wrong. It has gone from bad to worse. Things came to a head recently when she changed decisions after the order for a bunch of materials had gone out. So, another order went out and now we have a surplus of materials—and I am being held accountable for the overage on costs. I explained to my boss what happened, and he doesn’t care—it is still my fault, and he is going to dock my annual bonus. I am a single mom and I was depending on that money to pay college tuition.

I see my nemesis and my boss together all the time. They both work at HQ and I am remote on the other side of the country. I don’t know how she has done it, but she has gotten chummy with the old boys’ club that runs the whole company, and she has cowed my entire team into acting like she is my boss. I do suspect that she and my boss are having an affair (they are both married to other people and there is an express rule in the company that people who work together cannot be in relationships). Of course, I have no proof of this. I have complained to HR, but the solution was to get me a coach to help me work on my communication skills. My communication skills have never been an issue in my 25-year career. But it has been useful to use the coaching sessions to vent and find some tactical work-arounds.

 I am at the end of my rope with this situation. Something has to give. I am having revenge fantasies, I am not sleeping, and I am just a total stress case. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Steamrolled

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Dear Steamrolled,

Well, this sounds awful. I am sorry for your terrible stress. It sounds like somehow your nemesis (let’s call her N) has bonded with people in power and is hell bent on edging you out. I think you might have had a chance to nip this in the bud back at the beginning, but once someone who values power over everything else has gotten the sense that they can get away with whatever they want, it is hard to roll it back. That doesn’t help you right now because you can’t change the past. But it might help you in the future to never again allow anyone to get away with this kind of nonsense.

Based on the facts as you laid them out, I think you have three choices in front of you.

1. Fight like hell. Sue for the creation of a hostile work environment. Speak to an attorney and find out what your rights might be, especially since you work in a different state from where HQ is. It wouldn’t surprise me if your company has a provision for complaints that says that forced arbitration in their home state is the automatic first recourse. So, find your employment contract, read it carefully, and make sure you are aware of the laws in the home state. I just attended our company’s mandatory training about the federal and state laws around harassment and it is clear to me that your boss and your HR person have allowed a hostile work environment. Having your bonus docked because of the actions of another person who didn’t consult with you is grounds alone. That is a critical error on your boss’s part. When compensation is affected, the issue becomes much more real and tangible.

I hope you have been documenting incidents, but if not, go back and re-create anything you can and start documenting everything now.

It is also worth noting that if the company is paying your coach, your coach is obligated to escalate to their HR contact your observations about your boss’s abdication of responsibility and the total lack of procedural fairness regarding your bonus. Many coaches are unaware that they are not protected by client/professional privilege, and your coach is putting themself at risk. The fact that neither the coach nor the HR contact has taken any steps to help you is a factor in your favor, because it sounds like the people in the organization who are tasked with maintaining a fair workplace have also abdicated. That is not unusual.

One caveat on this: Be aware that if there were an investigation, even your own team might not tell the truth because it would put their jobs at risk.

This choice will be exhausting and expensive, but there is a good chance your company would settle to make the whole thing go away. Companies who are still operating with an old boys’ club mentality tend to do that—it is amazing how many lawsuits companies manage to absorb to avoid changing their culture. It is a long shot, but a settlement would certainly help with college tuition.

2. Get out as quickly as you can. Contact some high-quality executive search firms and get yourself another job. Companies are desperate for highly skilled talent, and I can’t believe you wouldn’t find something great for yourself. It would be admitting defeat, which takes a lot of grace. It would probably not be satisfying to someone having revenge fantasies, but it is the most adult thing to do. It’s also the most expedient thing to do because it sounds like N has gained control of the narrative here and has the relationships.

You could do a combination of #1 and #2—get another job and then sue. It really all depends on how much energy you have to devote to revenge. I say move on and find a way to let it all go, because as has been noted by many (attribution is varied), “harboring resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.”

3. Just roll with it. Okay, this really isn’t a choice, but plenty of people do it. It is actually a recipe for a serious health problem. The toxic combination of responsibility without authority famously contributes to cardiac events, metabolic disturbances (like diabetes), and degraded immune systems. So as stressful as the other two options may seem, this is the one that could kill you.

You might wonder why I am not suggesting that you try again to get your boss and N to work with you to hash this out. Normally, this is what I would advise. The reason I don’t now is because you already seem to have tried everything. You might take one more crack at having a conversation—using some of the techniques laid out in this past post. You could ask your HR contact to set up mediation with a professional mediator, and demand that she be present at the meetings. But it sounds like your HR contact is asleep at the wheel or just straight up incompetent. It really does appear that you are on your own, my friend.

So, seriously?  Get out. Now. With your skills and experience you will get snapped up immediately. Get out there and get yourself another job. You won’t regret it. Your confidence has been shaken but you can get it back. Just let N win and save your sanity.

Is it fair? No.

Is it right? No.

It is just another day stewing in the human condition.

Remember that N has to wake up every day with herself—a power obsessed, lying cheater. She is sowing the seeds of her own destiny, which won’t go well in the long run.

Make 2022 the year you save your own life. You will be so happy you did.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently hired to be a director for a customer service team that provides specialty roofing products to the construction industry. We have had a terrible time with our supply chain and the company has resorted to using what we all know are inferior components. As a result, our customers are coming to us with a record number of problems that end up in my lap. My people are frustrated and overwhelmed. The sheer volume of complaints is unmanageable and the cost of fixing the problems is eroding the profit margins.

Here’s the kicker: my boss is now asking me to press my people to talk customers into “just living with” the low-quality products.

I have taught all of my reps some language to appease customers, but the whole thing feels sickening to me. I am trying to hold the line, not let my frustration show, and help my people make the best of an impossible situation. But I can tell my team is starting to hate me. I don’t know what to do. My stress level is going through the roof.

I was so excited when I got this job, and now I wish I hadn’t. Any ideas would be helpful.

Lost and Confused

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Lost and Confused,

Your boss is asking you to talk customers into accepting less than what they expected, do nothing to rectify their situations, somehow convince your team to do the same thing—and, worst of all, develop the skills of a con artist. It sounds like the recipe for a heart attack.

I say no. Just no.

I just don’t see how you can do it. It would be one thing if there were no other jobs available, but everyone is desperate for talent and just about any job would be better than what you are being asked to do. Get busy on job sites STAT.

Of course, it could be possible that you misunderstood your boss, so check with him before you bail. Put your understanding in the clearest of terms and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.

I mean, seriously. A customer service rep’s job is to understand the customer’s complaint and do everything in their power to make it right—or, at the very least, to tell the truth about the situation and admit that the company’s hands are tied. You are being asked to do something that is, in fact, the exact opposite of customer service.

You have allowed your excitement about getting the job to blind you to reality. Go get another job and encourage your team members to do the same. Your company’s management is going to have to figure out how to manage customer expectations and simply turn down work they can’t deliver on. But by the time they get there, I hope you will be long gone.

I’m sorry. I wish I had a better idea. I’d be interested to see any in the comments. But sometimes you have to admit the reality you’re dealing with and just get out to save your soul. Run—don’t walk—away from this madness.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I got promoted about six months ago. My new boss, who used to be my old boss’s boss, is just not competent.

When I try to clarify priorities with her, she changes her mind so many times that I end up more confused than ever. She doesn’t attend meetings that she calls, so we all spend ten minutes in a flurry of emails and chats trying to figure out why the teleconference meeting hasn’t started. She also blows off one-on-one meetings. When she does show up, she talks endlessly about her personal life—she has a bunch of kids and one of them is always sick, or she is renovating her house, and we all have to hear the gory details. She never asks us about ourselves. She complains about how much everything costs, but we all know she makes a crazy high salary so we can’t imagine how she thinks we are going to feel sorry for her.

My former boss is now somewhat of a peer, although much more experienced than I am. I have tried to talk to her about this to get a reality check, but she really doesn’t see the problem. She just says, “yeah, (New Boss) is busy / she has a lot on her plate / she is usually very caring and clear.” She advises me to be patient, but I am not sure how long I can last.

I feel like a comedy routine on TikTok. I end every single workday thinking …

WTH?

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear WTH,

All of that hilarious material on TikTok came from someone’s real life. You’d think ridiculous bosses would recognize themselves and pause.

The way I see it, you have two avenues you could go down:

1. You can take your former boss’s advice and just be patient; or
2. You can bail and find another job, or look for another job and then bail when you get one.

I read nothing in your letter about how much you like the company in general, how inspired you are by the mission of the company, or how much you do or don’t enjoy the actual work or your coworkers. So you will want to take all of that into consideration. If you are generally happy with all of the above, there might be some value in hanging on and waiting for your boss to stabilize.

It is entirely possible that she is going through a bunch of personal stuff you don’t know about. Maybe she or someone she loves is suffering from a major health issue. Maybe her home renovation is driving her into debt (she wouldn’t be the first person to be driven to the brink by a home construction or renovation project). Or if she gives the impression one of her kids is always sick, maybe it’s true and the stress is more than she can handle.

My point is that someone you seem to trust has suggested you give your boss the benefit of the doubt. So you might just want to try that.

If you don’t like your work, your coworkers, or your company, there really isn’t much reason for you to stay, so you might as well start looking for another job. Keep in mind there’s a good chance you’ll get a substandard boss in your next job, too—there are so many of them. And there are far worse ways to be a bad boss. Maybe you’ll get a boss who is petty, mean, driven by unconscious bias, critical, or a nasty combo of all of those things. From what I can tell, yes, your boss is a flake, but she isn’t causing actual suffering.

If you do decide to stay, you will want to reach out to your coworkers to get clarity on priorities. That will help you clear up your confusion, which seems to be the thing that is really bugging you and causing most of your discomfort. Then I recommend you find a way to give your boss some grace until she can get her act together. The more you look for things to criticize, and the more you feed your judgment, the worse you will feel about your job.

You have choices here. You can choose your attitude. You can choose to learn from your boss how to be a better boss when it’s your turn. You can choose to be patient and find ways to help her out. You can choose to be kind, regardless of whether you stay or go. And who knows? You, too, may go viral with boss comedy on TikTok. It is all so funny, and things are funniest when they’re true.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of project and program managers responsible for keeping software implementations on track for a global company. I have five regional directors, each of whom manage about fifteen individual service representatives.

The frontline folks are highly skilled—their jobs require a lot of technical experience and real expertise. They are dedicated and hard working. The problem is that as our sales have taken off, no one seems to understand how much the volume of work has increased for my group.

My people are all working way too much and at all hours, because so many of our customers have teams in multiple time zones. A rep might have a 4:00 a.m. call, work all day, and then have another call at 9:00 p.m. It’s just too much. Things are falling through the cracks and we are not able to return some help calls in the prescribed short time frame. Salespeople are getting upset and accusing my folks of not being on top of things.

I think we need to revisit job design and fine-tune how we deal with the time zone situation, including hiring more people in more time zones. I have been researching how other companies are dealing with this and I have some good ideas.

My EVP’s idea is to roll out customer service training to all frontline professionals. That is the last thing they need as they are very service oriented. There is only so much one person can do. I think if we try to get our people to attend customer service training, they will revolt and quit. My EVP doesn’t get it.

I am a quiet person and get very nervous when I need to negotiate and take a stand for my point of view, which is what I know I need to do. I just don’t know if I can. What do you suggest?

Need to Negotiate

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Need to Negotiate,

It sounds like you truly care about your people and understand your business. I understand how intimidating it can be to have to push back on your boss and make your case for a different approach.

You are right that asking your people to go through service training instead of redesigning systems to make their workload more manageable will not get the results your EVP is looking for. I know exactly what you mean, having had the experience of doing coaching skills training for overwhelmed groups who literally walked out because the training was so beside the point for them.

So, yeah, you do have to take a stand. Losing your skilled people would be disastrous for you and for the folks who remain!

Your first line of defense is data. Your EVP needs to understand the toll of the “24/7 Always On” situation. It is not sustainable. I’ll bet you have kept very good records of how much and when your folks are delivering to clients. The more you can clearly demonstrate the reality of what is going on, the more effective your negotiations will be. Use your data analytics to paint the picture in a way your boss can clearly understand. To do that, think about what language your boss speaks most easily. Some people speak Excel (just numbers), some speak Word (numbers with anecdotal evidence), and some speak PowerPoint (graphs and visuals).

Next, write up your ideas about job redesign. Present your two best options and compare the cost of each to the cost of irrelevant training. Be clear about where the ideas came from and be ready with evidence to support your assertions. Having everything down on paper, well thought out, and presented in a way your EVP can understand will give you a lot of confidence.

Nervousness can often be alleviated with proper preparation. Trying to make your case without all your ducks in a row would not be effective. Get your presentation together and practice it, preferably with another person or persons. Give your practice audience questions to ask and encourage them to ask other questions that occur to them so you are prepared for something that might come out of left field.

You can lean on how much you care about your people to help you overcome your nerves, too. Remember: this is about them, not about you.

Senior executives know what you are thinking only if you tell them—and it is your job to prevent disaster here. Nobody will appreciate an “I told you so” after the fact. So practice saying “this is my position on this, and here is how I got to it.” I am not saying this will guarantee success, but at least you will have given it your best shot.

If you really want to sharpen your negotiating skills long term, my new favorite book on that topic is Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference. I have been testing out some of his simple but effective techniques and I’m very intrigued. His material may not immediately make you a crack hostage negotiator (at least it hasn’t happened for me yet), but it could be a start.

This is your chance to lead. A lot of quiet folks think their predisposition to introversion will work against them, but I have not experienced that to be true. Yes, you have to work on your confidence. But you are well positioned to prepare with unimpeachable analysis and to take courage from your purpose to properly care for your people.

I’m betting you can.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a compliance and risk group for a large regional credit union. We have a new CEO—I’ll call him “K.” K was our organization’s CFO for several years before he was named CEO, so I know him well. We have always had a good relationship.

K has been in the CEO position about nine months now, and things are in total chaos. He throws out ultimatums that he subsequently forgets about. He moved an entire HR function to marketing in a move that has mystified everyone—especially the head of marketing, who has zero HR experience. A couple of our HR leaders resigned in protest.

Several big initiatives that are supposed to be collaborations between finance, HR, and my department are at a standstill because no one knows who is in charge of what. Every day is a new fire drill with critical tasks that either have been done incorrectly or simply didn’t get done.

Every time I meet with K, he adds entire functions to my group with no extra headcount. My people are already maxed out. To get extra heads, I am supposed to make a business case with full financial scenario plans. It is not my strength to do that kind of thing, and it takes me hours.

In the past, K always trusted my judgment when I needed more help, but now he just puts roadblocks in my way. I am behind on critical deadlines and my people are behind because they have been given too much to do. K only finds fault, and routinely spouts variations on “someone could lose their job over this mess-up.” In the meantime, every time he catches me in my office working late, he tells me I work too hard and I should go home. How can I tell him I could stop working so hard if he stopped wreaking havoc?

I am barely staying afloat here. Help?

At Wits’ End

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear At Wits’ End,

Well, this sounds stressful. I’m sorry.

Here is the thing. Your CEO probably assumes his executive team will push back on him. He is depending on you to tell him when you can do no more. So you have to tell him. If he insists and is unreasonable, then do what you can. But the more you suffer in silence, the less he knows.

You simply have to stand up for yourself. And your team.

He used to trust your judgment. I think it is fair to remind him of that. Tell him you need help now and don’t have time to build extensive business cases for each position request. Do a sticky note calculation of the cost of being understaffed—including having to replace you. Be kind and clear, but speak up. It’s time.

In terms of getting clarity with your peers about who is in charge of what, you have a classic case of everyone being accountable—which means no one is really paying attention. I suggest you meet with your fellow leaders and hash out exactly who is in charge of what. That isn’t really your CEO’s job, so you guys need to get it together.

There is an oldie but goodie management tool called a RACI Matrix—the letters stand for responsible, accountable, consulted, and informed. You can use this model to think through and assign exactly where the buck stops on any given project, who is held accountable for what tasks and deliverables, who needs to be consulted or tapped for parts and pieces, and who needs to be kept informed of any changes or developments. It seems glaringly obvious, but when you start getting into the nitty gritty it becomes clear that no one person sees it the way the others do. This is a way to have everyone—literally—get on the same page.

It would be a good idea to have someone facilitate who really knows what they are doing; a person from learning and development or training, or an outside consultant. If you can’t find someone, you may need to do it yourself or ask one of your counterparts. However you do it, driving for role clarity will help you with your stress level.

It sounds as strange as can be that HR was moved to marketing. This is not a common experiment as far as I can tell, and I am working in multiple organizations at any given time. I am flummoxed by it and will have to get back to you after I ask around a little. I’d love to hear what readers have to say in the comments if they have any insight on that one.

If you hadn’t had a good relationship with your CEO before, I would be more worried for you. But you did—and if you put yourself in his shoes, you might see that he really is depending on his executive team to keep him from messing things up too badly his first year. Make sure he knows you have his best interests at heart, but be clear that things can’t go on the way they have been going. In the worst case scenario, you still have a board you can go to, presumably; but I hope it won’t come to that.

This is a call for you to step up as an executive leader. It requires strength, courage, and grit. There is a lot to lose here, not the least of which is your sanity. But if not you, who?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was promoted to VP of sales a few months before the pandemic hit. I feel like I have been in an industrial washing machine ever since, and am just starting to come up for air. There was a lot of training at the beginning but then our entire book of business and go-to-market strategies shifted. It has been mayhem, but things are starting to settle now.

I have an amazing team. I physically moved in order to take over a new region, so all of my people are relatively new colleagues, which is nice. About two years ago, our company changed CRM (Customer Relationship Management) systems. [Note: This is the system that sales leaders and marketing use to gain visibility into prospects, contact info, opportunities/pipeline, forecasting, account plans, competitive intelligence, etc.]

The new system is fine; not any worse or better than the old one. My people have figured out how to make it work for them and comply with requirements. But there are exceptions.

One sales rep, who creates amazing relationships with his customers and crushes his quota, cannot for the life of him get his info into the system. It’s great when he suddenly brings in huge projects, but then there is a scramble to deliver on the contract. Then there’s another rep who puts everything into the system beautifully but can’t seem to get anything done other than that—and she certainly can’t close.

My boss is giving me a hard time about both of them, but very little guidance on how to get them to where they need to be. Thoughts?

CRM Conundrum

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(If you missed last week’s blog, Part 1 of the response can be found here. This is Part 2 of the response.)

Dear CRM Conundrum,

Last week we discussed how to deal with the rep who won’t use the CRM. Now let’s take a look at the other two situations you are dealing with.

1. One rep who is very good at CRM management but doesn’t seem to know how to actually sell.
2. A boss who isn’t very helpful.

Your rep who can’t sell probably needs some training on mechanics as well as a ton of support to boost her confidence. If she already has been through training, and can tell you what she should be doing but can’t seem to do it, you have a confidence issue. Perhaps she used to be good at selling and something happened that made her start doubting herself.  

However, if she’s never been successful, she probably doesn’t know exactly what to do and how to do it. Whatever your company’s sales training is, she will need to attend. She will also need super clear direction from you, and then extra time. If you can attend some of her sales calls with her as a fly on the wall and then give her feedback, that would be ideal. Or, if she could tag along with some of your superstars and see how they do it, that would also be great.

In the last post, I floated the idea that this rep might apprentice with your sales rock star who can’t (or won’t) use the CRM, and they could tutor each other on their strengths. Role play is also a terrific tool—it is much easier to say certain things if we’ve practiced.

If she was once great and lost her mojo, you’ll need to ask some open-ended questions to help her talk things through so that you can gain some insight into what is getting in her way. Ask questions like:

• What happened that shook your confidence?
• What do you think might be going on?
• What might help you get back on track?
• What would be helpful to you right now?
• What kind of help would feel right?

Make sure your employee knows that you are on her side, you really want her to win, and you’ll do anything in your power to help her get there. Help her build a step-by-step action plan that will get her to her goal.

If there is still no improvement over time, just as with your other situation, there will need to be consequences. Not everyone is cut out for sales and it won’t serve you to belabor things. If that is the case, the faster everyone comes to terms with a mismatch, the better off everyone will be.

Now. Let’s talk about the fact that your boss offers neither direction nor support, just a “hard time.” That isn’t a shocker, but it does mean you are probably on your own. If you are like most managers, you were promoted because you were an amazing salesperson, not because you demonstrated skill at managing people. The sad and kind of scary fact is that most managers are in their jobs for ten years before they get any kind of training. You sound like you have great instincts, but why learn by trial and error if you really don’t have to? There is no shortage of brilliant advice out there for new managers. Of course, I think ours is top notch, but I wouldn’t want to limit you. I guarantee your organization has some kind of training available. Attend. Pay attention. Take notes. Formulate intentions and practice new skills.

You are probably thinking you don’t have time. You won’t remember the opportunity cost of the time you took, and you will remember three or four tidbits that will change your work life. Your people will thank you and you won’t regret it. I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a client services manager at a new cancer center in Lagos, Nigeria. I have just had my six-month appraisal with the CEO. Along with my responsibilities, I have been helping my CEO with her calendar and all other duties.

During the appraisal, she said she wants me to be her executive assistant. I was shocked. She said I get her, I understand her needs, and we work well together.

I went home and thought about it. It feels like it would be a demotion. The fact that I have been able to manage her calendar and do all her personal things well does not mean I want to be her EA. She has now told HR to look for someone that will work with me till I move to the EA position.

I enjoy working with customers. That is what I did for seven years at another hospital before moving to this hospital. But staff members here have always referred to me as her EA, even before my appraisal, and I don’t like that at all.

My CEO always gets what she wants but I don’t think I am cut out to be her EA. I already know what I may have to do but would like your perspective before I make a final decision. I don’t like the way this feels and I am not happy.

New Role Feels All Wrong

__________________________________________________________________

Dear New Role Feels All Wrong,

This falls into the category of “No good deed goes unpunished,” doesn’t it?

So, the first order of business here is to have a frank conversation with your CEO. It is nice that she appreciates your skills, but not so nice that she doesn’t seem at all interested in what you want. So you had better tell her, and soon. Possibly offer a compromise—to train someone else to be her EA since you seem to be so good at it. It can be very tricky to stand up for yourself and for what you want, but you will regret it if you don’t. I guess there is a chance that your CEO will simply fire you for not doing exactly what she wants. But if you are forced into a job you don’t want, you will be looking for a new job anyway, right?

There is another possibility here. Your reflex is to consider the move a demotion. That may be an assumption that you could check out. It can’t be all bad to work hand in glove with the CEO. You might parlay the move into the opportunity to be more than an EA—perhaps to be the CEO’s chief of staff. According to Wikipedia, the definition of this role, in general, is that a chief of staff provides a buffer between a chief executive and that person’s direct reporting team. The chief of staff works behind the scenes to solve problems, mediate disputes, and deal with issues before they are brought to the chief executive. Often, the chief of staff acts as a confidant and advisor to the chief executive, and as a sounding board for ideas.

That would be a promotion. It could be very interesting and engaging, and also could give you a wide scope of responsibility and influence. It might be possible for you to achieve. So instead of saying no, explore the possibilities provided by the fact that your CEO clearly finds you capable, competent, responsible, dependable, intuitive, and easy to work with. Who knows what might come of that? Also, there is the matter of salary. Would yours be cut? Or would you make more? Does it matter? It generally does to most people.

If it turns out that the job change really is a demotion, take a stand to keep your current job. If that isn’t an option, you’ll have a choice to make. What you don’t want is to be forced into a situation where you feel victimized and resentful. That won’t be sustainable for long. Worst case, you stay in the job for years and become more and more bitter, which will take its toll on your mental health, your physical health, and your entire life.

Excellent client services managers for medical centers are always in demand. If that’s what you want to do, take a stand for yourself, speak up, and tell the truth respectfully but clearly. You have some agency here. I encourage you to exercise it.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a team lead in the R&D department of a pharmaceutical company. We are all scientists and engineers and the work is interesting and fun. I really like managing my team and they seem to be happy with me.

My problem is that my new boss is just awful. We loved our former boss; he was kind and smart and took us to new levels of creativity and problem solving. The new guy—we all call him the “Ice King”—came in from the outside and doesn’t seem to care about any of us. He is cold and mean.

I dread being in meetings with him. He walks in right on time and hands out the agenda, which he sends in advance with clear instructions about who should prepare what. He never smiles, never laughs. When he is okay with something, he just nods his head with a frown on his face. If he disagrees or, God forbid, catches an error, he looks thunderous and says, “That’s incorrect, fix that.”

Most managers I have worked with have one-on-one meetings with their people. I do them with my team, but honestly, my boss is so off-putting that I am grateful he doesn’t have them with me. I dread the performance review I have coming up in a few months.

How can we get him to lighten up and be nicer?

Scared of My Boss

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Scared of My Boss,

You can’t. Okay, you could try, but it probably isn’t worth your time and energy. You can’t really fix people. People can change—but in my experience, it is rare, and they need a really compelling reason.

You will have a much better result if you put your attention on changing yourself.

Here is the thing, Scared—you are taking your boss’s behavior personally when, in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You miss your former warm and fuzzy boss. I get that. And I am sorry for your loss. But your new boss just sounds like a personality that is way down on the “introverted and analytical” end of the continuum. IT. ISN’T. PERSONAL.

So what would happen for you if you told yourself that the Ice King is super analytical, is only interested in accuracy and facts, has zero people skills, and is probably mystified by all of his direct reports who are wanting him to be something he is not?

It doesn’t actually sound like there’s anything to be afraid of except maybe showing up with anything but impeccable work. And even then, it sounds like he will simply point out your mistakes so you can fix them. Ice King is at least offering you clarity, consistency, and certainty. Those are good things.

The minute you stop wishing Ice King would be different, just accept that he is the way he is, and let that be okay and not about you, you will feel a lot better. At least you know where you stand with people like this. Just the facts, ma’am. No politics, no hidden agendas; just get the work done, accurately, on time and under budget.

Prepare diligently for your performance review. Make sure it is well thought through, comprehensive, and above all, correct. You will be fine. Once you stop judging him, he might just surprise you.

You clearly prefer a warm and fun, collegial atmosphere. Fine, you can nurture those things within the culture of your team. They aren’t important to your new boss, and that’s okay. There’s a big difference between a real problem and something you don’t like. This is only a problem if you decide to let it be one.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

We all want to achieve our professional dreams, but a lot of stuff can get in the way. Often, we label that stuff as a blocker to success, whether it’s an external factor (e.g., no time, no money, lack of resources, an ongoing pandemic) or an internal factor (e.g., don’t know enough, not enough influence, not feeling ready). These blockers—or constraints—can really get us down and be used as a crutch for not realizing greatness or achieving our goals.

But is the constraint real or assumed? Internal factors—that negative internal dialogue, that excuse, the blame game, the internal swirl—often are assumed. There are ways forward. And there are skills you can master to help get out of your head and get out of your own way.

For instance, let’s think about influence and power. In The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Self Leadership program, participants learn how to develop the mindset and skillset needed to become proactive self-starters who know how to ask for direction and support, solicit feedback, and sell their solutions. A key concept is to become a proactive self leader who can identify and activate your points of power.

Yes, you activate! You look for where you have influence and power and find ways to harness that energy for the greater good. Here are descriptions of the five points of power:

1. Position Power: When you hold a position managing people or controlling resources.
2. Personal Power: Your character, passion, persistence, charisma, and wisdom, enhanced by interpersonal skills like being a persuasive communicator.
3. Task Power: The ability to help or delay the completion of a task.
4. Knowledge Power: Having expertise or skills in a particular area. We’re all good at something, so we all have some form of knowledge power.
5. Relationship Power: This comes from associating with others—having a mentor or champion or being a personal friend of someone in power.

Where is your power? What can you do that others cannot? Take a moment and outline your strengths in each point.

One word of encouragement: don’t be timid about claiming your points of power—especially when your intention is to help others and bring good into the world. I hope you’ll find the exercise to be uplifting. Success awaits!

PS: Want to learn more about becoming more proactive in determining your success at work? Check out information on a new 6-week Self Leadership Online Collaborative Course to develop a self-starting mindset so you can take the reins, achieve your goals, and accelerate your development.

About the Author

Britney Cole is Associate Vice President, Solutions Architecture and Innovation Strategy at The Ken Blanchard Companies. With more than 15 years’ experience in organization development, performance improvement, and corporate training across all roles, Britney brings a pragmatic and diverse perspective to the way adults desire to learn on the job.

Dear Madeleine,

I work as a senior manager reporting to a new EVP who was brought in from outside the company. She has a lot less experience than I do. She constantly talks about how strategic she is, but all I see is a lack of discipline around execution—and she seems to have no memory. 

This is how it goes: She tells my peers and me what we need to be shooting for. We come back to her with our recommendations for how to get there. She disagrees with everything we propose, tells us how she wants us to execute, waits until we have everything set up and rolling, then comes back to us and tells us she wants it done differently—often the way we originally recommended.

When this happens, she doesn’t seem to remember that she is asking us to follow the original plan. She always acts like it is her idea. It is never-ending whiplash. We live in a state of constant crisis where I am talking my people off the ledge daily. We all end up putting in late nights and weekends and it is debilitating and demoralizing. When I complain, she tells me I am anti-change and I need to get with the program. 

I have worked in high pressure environments before and am good at managing stress. But dealing with this on top of lockdown, no lockdown, tighter lockdown, in-person school, online school, no holiday get-togethers this year, and kids at home underfoot all day, I am just so fried.

How can I get my leader to be more thoughtful and consistent? She doesn’t seem to care that because of her constantly changing orders, everyone in her department is burning out. 

Burning Out Fast

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Burning Out Fast,

This does indeed sound like a constant game of “gotcha.” I hear versions of this kind of madness regularly, and you are right—it is hard enough in normal times, but on top of everything else it really makes you hang your head. It sounds like your new boss is at the very least, capricious, and at most, nuts. But it also sounds like she doesn’t change the goal as much as she changes the method by which you will achieve it. So you at least have that in your favor—the goals don’t change every ten minutes.

Please don’t be offended, but I have to ask whether you might have played a part in creating this situation. Is it possible you wanted the job and are mad that the person who was hired has less experience and is annoying to boot? Are you absolutely certain none of your upset is a little sour grapes? You may have to really look in the mirror and ask yourself. The fact that you aren’t alone, that your peers are in the same boat, is an indication that you probably are in the clear—but it won’t hurt for you to be absolutely certain about the answer before you decide how to proceed.

First line of defense here is to have the hard conversation. I know you would probably rather have dental work, but you owe it to yourself and your people to at least try. Be prepared with:

• This is what has happened now, three times in a row.
• This is the result of the constant change of plan.
• I need you to start trusting that I know what I am doing and can make a good plan to give you what you want.
• Can we try it once and see how it goes?

This approach could go okay, maybe? If she says, “No way, it’s my way or the highway,” then you know there is no hope. We’ll talk about that in a minute.

If she agrees, document the conversation carefully and email her the record of the conversation. That way, the next time she pulls a change order with no warning, you can refer to the email documenting your agreement and see if it helps. The memory slips are concerning, but the more prepared you are for them, the better off you will be.

If you try to have the conversation and she is not receptive, options to consider might be:

• Go over your boss’s head and talk to her boss. Perhaps band together with your peers and stage an intervention. This is not a fun option, and can trigger any number of unintended consequences. But I have seen it work. I coached a CEO once who thought his new CFO walked on water until his whole team came to him and outlined their grievances. The behaviors they reported sounded outlandish, and then, when he looked closely, he saw some very concerning gaps in the finances, not to mention some very alarming things on the person’s computer. A complete train wreck was narrowly avoided—and if it hadn’t been for the courage of the team, things could have gotten really ugly.

The pattern of behavior you describe rings familiar. I wonder if your new boss is so out of her depth that she is trying to act like she knows what she is doing. Or perhaps she really is suffering from memory lapses and doesn’t realize it. When behavior is this erratic, it can be a symptom of substance abuse. I have seen it all, and if you think the behavior is that terrible, this option might be a good idea.

• Ignore her plan and start executing the plan you recommended in the first place. This is risky, of course, because this could be the one time she breaks pattern. And it forces you to be dishonest, which might cause you even more stress. Some people would be okay with it as a means to an end. I am not judging. It would be a very personal decision for you.
• Flesh out your recommended plan but proceed with her plan very slowly, knowing she will change her mind, and then move to the recommended plan quickly. I learned this one from a client who figured out how to do this out of sheer self-preservation. It turned out her boss had no idea what he was doing and eventually got fired, and she got promoted into the job. 
• Brush up your LinkedIn profile and CV and start looking for another job. This all just may feel like too much noise that you have no patience for. It depends on how much you like the organization, if the mission of your work is compelling, and if you love your team. Many people in your position feel too guilty about abandoning their team to think about jumping ship, which is admirable. Again, you will have to weigh the good things against the crazy that you are putting up with. 

Best case: your boss really doesn’t know the impact she is having, and will listen to reason and see the error of her ways. (Okay, I just made myself laugh out loud with that one, because it is so rare. But, hey, it could happen!) Worst case: well—there are any number of ways this could go badly. In the end, you will have to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself and maintain your sanity.

And remember: this pandemic will end. Your children will go back to school. We will all be able to do holidays together again. You have no control over any of that. Your job situation, however, you do have some control over.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am so frustrated with what I am calling the “in-person addiction” in my new company.

I started here two months before COVID sent everyone home. It was very much a traditional “everyone comes to the office” place before that. I am surrounded by people who are still struggling with the virtual aspect of our work. Everyone is complaining about working from home and all the web conferencing. Many are juggling home-schooling their children along with their work commitments.

My boss is convinced that everyone is less productive working from home—and that may be so with other groups. There is a bit of an attitude that we are going to wait this thing out but, frankly, I have doubts that anything is going to change soon. If we could just shift the mindset we could really get some very cool things done.

I came from an organization that was much more geographically spread out. In fact, my entire team was virtual and in different time zones. It worked great! I just don’t get it. I am far more productive when I don’t have to deal with a commute and the time it takes to get dressed and do hair/makeup. I do have kids at home, but they have always known Mommy has a job. We have created a daily routine that works well for all of us. I am not saying it is perfect—and I will be grateful when they go back to school—but geez. I think people let their children get away with bratty behavior.

My problem: how do I get my colleagues out of their constant moaning about our new way of working? I mean, it’s been six months now, with no end in sight. How do I prove that my new team is crushing it (because they are) despite the WFH thing? Most importantly, how do I develop the relationships I need to influence the way I need to move forward on my very ambitious goals? Many of my colleagues act like they aren’t going to trust me until we can spend time in person together. How do I get everyone to get on board with reality?

Way Ahead

Dear Way Ahead,

I understand your frustration. I led a completely virtual team in our very “headquarters-and-in-person-centric” company for years! We all worked from home for two decades before virtual was the norm, and it was a constant battle to remind people we were out in the field making things happen. Now at least the playing field has been flattened for virtual teams—but it sounds like for you, things have just gone flat.

Here are your concerns, in order. You want to:

1. Get your colleagues to stop complaining.
2. Prove that your new team is highly productive virtually, and that others can be, too.
3. Influence your new colleagues in this virtual environment.

Let’s unpack all of this and look at what you can control, what you might be able to control with some help, and what is probably out of your hands.

You can’t make your colleagues change but you can change your own attitude. I wonder if your colleagues feel your judgment and if that might be getting in the way of building strong working relationships. I am not doubting your superiority at working virtually, but nobody likes to feel inferior. If senior leadership seems willing to suffer the consequences of waiting it out, you may be asking a lot to expect the extra effort required to shift the collective mindset. I suggest you focus less on how to fix your colleagues and more on how you can add value and—without blame or judgment—be a role model for how to operate in this new environment.

Regarding the kid thing: If you are betraying your opinion that your colleague’s children are bratty, that is not going to win you any friends. You can think whatever you want, but I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself. Nothing causes people to get defensive faster than someone criticizing their kids. You got a serious head start creating a culture of “Mommy works” in your own home—and it may be a little unfair to expect your colleagues with kids who are suddenly at home to crack the whip and get everyone to behave. One thought on that topic is for you to create something you could share with colleagues about how you managed it—something like “Tips for Getting Your Kids to Respect Your Work Time.” I Googled around and, I have to say, there isn’t much out there. You must have some good ideas based on your experience! My memory is dim—my children are grown—but I am pretty sure I resorted to threats of bodily harm, which is probably not recommended.

The first stop is a conversation with your boss re: your concerns about the disdain for the virtual WFH office. There are two issues here: the fact that your boss seems resigned and unenthusiastic about how to help people people be successful virtually, and the fact that you are not able to get acknowledgement for how well your team is doing. I think the approach for both is curiosity. You might ask questions like:

• Is it your experience that people are not being productive working from home? What are you seeing that leads you to that view?
• May I show you how my team and I are handling things? Might that be helpful?
• Do you worry that our lack of productivity could hurt us long term? What are your thoughts about how might we counteract that?

With any luck, you can shift your boss’s perspective with open-hearted inquiry. Your confidence could be catching if people don’t feel belittled by it.

Now let’s talk about your need to make friends and influence people. The #1 key is to get curious and interested in each and every person—and show it. Make the time and put some real effort into it. You might check out Keith Ferrazzi’s new book, Leading Without Authority.

Some ideas:

• Set up individual time with each person and do a “Getting to Know You” questionnaire. Provide the questionnaire in advance and be ready with your own answers. You can be creative and ask whatever you want, but make sure the person knows they can choose not to answer what they don’t want to answer! Favorite book or movie, pets and their personalities, favorite job you’ve ever had, fantasy travel spot, what would you do if you won the lottery? Favorite holiday and why? What is something I would never know about you if you didn’t tell me? What is your superpower? Hobby? What is your least favorite work task? Are we all sick of Zoom calls? Yes, but this would be a fun one!
• Suggest social distancing picnic lunches or coffee or happy hour (BYOTreats) at a nearby outdoor spot.
• Create an opportunity for your team to do a group Pecha Kucha over Zoom (20 slides, 20 seconds each) and everyone gets the same assignment—again, you can make it up. A Day in The Life is a fun one, or My Life Story. The idea is to use images and photos to create a super efficient story. Stories are powerful and people remember them.
• Our company has some amazing on-demand free webinars for increasing productivity when working from home and leading virtually. You could share these with select folks who are open.
• If you think you might have already done some damage, do ask for feedback and clear the air. If people do give you feedback, do not defend your position, simply say “thank you.”

You can’t change people, but you can be a role model for the behavior you think is appropriate in the situation. And you can extend an invitation: anyone who is interested in how you are sailing through what seems like a big challenge can ask for your help.

Compassion, humility, patience, and generosity will go a long way for you right now.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

With his first two books, Never Eat Alone and Who’s got Your Back, Keith Ferrazzi taught us the importance of building collaborative relationships. In his latest book, Leading Without Authority, Ferrazzi reinvents the art of collaboration to break down silos, transform teams, and improve overall performance of individuals. He explains that in a world of constant innovation and the unrelenting need for agility, dealing with a complex chain of command can be paralyzing.

The new world of work requires new rules, says Ferrazzi, and proposes a new workplace operating system he calls co-elevation. He argues that you don’t need a formal title and direct reports to be a true leader; you just need to learn how to turn colleagues into teammates who will work with you toward a shared mission. The main idea is to care about other people’s success and development as much as you care about your own. The beauty lies in being able to work outside traditional org chart structures to get the right people on the team and to co-elevate—go higher together.

Here are Ferrazzi’s eight new work rules for leading without authority through co-elevation.

Rule One: Who’s Your Team? No longer composed of people from only one department, teams in the new work world are made up of everyone inside and outside the organization who will help you achieve the goal. You must be proactive about developing authentic relationships with these people.

Rule Two: Accept That it’s All on You. Leadership is not something bestowed upon you. It is everyone’s responsibility to do whatever it takes to create value for the team and the organization.

Rule Three: Earn Permission to Lead. Instead of persuading people to get on board, learn how to serve, share, and care in order to earn the right to invite team members to join the project. Vulnerability is the key to building connection and commitment.

Rule Four: Create Deeper, Richer, More Collaborative Partnerships. Don’t turn to collaboration only when you can’t do the job alone. Understand that collaboration and partnership are essential for creating transformational ideas and completing projects.

Rule Five: Co-Development. It’s time to take responsibility for your own development. Look to teammates for candid feedback about the skills you need to develop—then offer the same service to them.

Rule Six: Praise and Celebrate. Never underestimate the power of praising performance, showing gratitude, and celebrating success.

Rule Seven: Co-Elevate the Tribe. Don’t ignore the team member who isn’t totally on board yet. Enlist the help of others on the team to elevate that team member to improve their contribution. The goal is to cross the finish line together.

Rule Eight: Join the Movement. Once you’ve put your co-elevation skills to the test, teach others to do the same. Help this become a movement that drives corporate culture.

If you’ve read Keith Ferrazzi’s other books, you know how vulnerable, honest, and open he is. He continues that path in Leading Without Authority through personal stories and real-life examples of people who put his principles into practice. Not only is this book entertaining to read, it offers practical advice you can apply on the job immediately. This might be the most important book you read this year!

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Keith Ferrazzi, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. For more information about Keith Ferrazzi, go to www.keithferrazzi.com. To access the handout mentioned in the podcast, go to www.keithferrazzi.com/leaderchat.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss recently left the company. It was very sudden—I can’t tell if he left on his own or if he was fired. We had a good relationship, so I would have thought I would be more in the know. Anyway, my boss’s boss asked me to fill in until they find a replacement and gave me some high-level information on the other two business units I am now suddenly overseeing. I know very little about these other business units, as we have always been siloed. My old boss, it turns out, seems to have engineered it that way.

My new direct reports are literally jamming my inbox with questions about decisions that should have been made weeks ago and are expecting me to tell them what to do. My boss’s boss has gone AWOL. I have asked several trusted friends for advice, but they are fixated on getting me to ask for the title and salary that goes with the job, when what I really need right now is a way to make good decisions.

I have scoured our internal learning portal for some guidance and found some classes on decision making that I don’t have time to take. I have never been super confident in my decision-making ability, and now I am in a state of terror. What do you suggest?

Stunned and Terrified

Dear Stunned and Terrified,

This sounds awfully daunting. I honestly don’t know how you can be expected to make a bunch of decisions without at least some background. And yet, here you are.

I think there are two things to look at here: (1) a quick, short-term fix for your spot between a rock and a hard place, and (2) ideas for the long term.

Short Term: Lean on Your People

Set up meetings with your brand new direct reports to get a clear picture of decisions that need to be made right away. Meet with each of them one on one to get the lay of the land, and then meet with all of your leaders as a group to examine each decision and get input from everyone on the options available and recommendations for best approaches. It is always good to consult experts when making decisions—and these folks are as close as you can get to that right now. You will also want to ask them who else in the organization should be included or consulted in the decision. They will know.

Some of these decisions may not be as urgent as they initially appear, so make sure you focus on each one in priority order and defer those that don’t require attention right this minute. How on earth do you do that? Ask:

• What is the problem we are trying to solve?
• How do we know it is a real problem?
• What terrible thing will happen if we don’t address it right now?
• Do we have informed ideas about how to solve the problem?
• Is it feasible to make a plan right now, or do we need more information, need to consult others, or wait to see what happens next?

It seems that there is some kind of intense situation going on at the top levels of the organization. Anything you can do to get things done and make life easier for your boss’s boss will be a good thing all around. Create a clear, concise communication for them about each decision, why it needs to be made right away, options for ways to go, and any pro/con thinking you have done either with the team or on your own. In essence, you are telling your boss’s boss what decisions you are going to make if you hear nothing back from them. That way, if something goes wrong later, you at least have written evidence that you made an earnest effort to get direction from above. I hate to think in terms of covering your butt, but in this case it seems like a really good idea. Put “URGENT: decisions that need to be made, with my recommendations” in the subject line.

While you are at it, in a separate communication, send a list of upcoming non-urgent decisions with any thoughts you have on those, too.

You have some story going on in your head that you aren’t confident in your decision-making ability. There are some methods to learn, for sure, and we will discuss those in a moment. For right now, remind yourself that you have a perfectly good brain that has brought you this far. People who are super confident in their decision-making ability either have unusual self-assurance, lots of experience making decisions, or both. You are about to get some experience, so you have that going for you!

Long Term: Develop Your Decision-Making Ability

Once you get through the immediate Class 5 rapids, you can give some attention to improving your decision-making ability. It isn’t some mysterious Spidey sense—there are proven models you can use to inform your thinking. Go ahead and take the classes offered through your company; you will absolutely find some good content there.

One of my favorite resources is The Owner’s Manual for the Brain by Pierce J. Howard. You don’t have to be a neuroscience wonk to love it. It really is quite an amazing overview. Chapter 26 is all about decision making, including how your personality affects your decision-making style and all kinds of models to define various types of problems and how to break them down to solve them. It is a bit expensive but, honestly, it will cover pretty much anything you would get if you bought 10 other books on this topic. Dr. Howard’s genius is in providing an excellent high-level overview of the topic and then drilling down into the most critical detail without getting lost in the weeds.

The other option, of course, is the internet. The resources are endless, but it is totally overwhelming. Hopefully, someone will put some good ideas for the ideal place to look in the comments below!

A couple of things I know for sure:

1. The more you doubt your ability to make decisions, the harder it will be to make a good one. The key is to stay grounded, breathe, and trust that you are smart enough so that you can think straight. Swat away the transient negative thoughts and worries about the future to help you stay present.
2. There is such a thing as decision fatigue. The pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain we need to see the big picture and analyze details) does get tired. So make your final decisions when you are rested, hydrated, and have steady blood sugar. Roy Baumeister, one of the foremost researchers on the topic, asserts that people who consistently make the best decisions aren’t necessarily smarter than the rest of us—they just know when not to make an important decision.
3. Mistakes will get made. It is inevitable. And it will be OK as long as nobody dies. It doesn’t sound like you are being asked to review the engineering for a bridge or to do neurosurgery, so chances are any mistakes won’t be fatal. There will be consequences to every decision that gets made, and some will be unintended and unforeseeable. There just is nothing to be done about that. You will just have to learn to be OK with it.

Nothing like a little trial by fire to strengthen your mettle! But really, it is the only way to really grow and expand your capabilities. I wish it weren’t so, but there you have it. What I want is for you to be able to look back on this as a time when you rose to the occasion and made yourself proud.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I know I should be grateful to have a job, and I love the company I work for. BUT. My whole company is madly trying to stay afloat and reinvent itself and I have more work coming at me than I can possibly do. I am working 16-hour days. I have my laptop in bed with me until midnight and get going again at 6:00 a.m.

My husband is retired and is good natured about it. He says I need to set some boundaries—but everyone is working as hard as I am. We are all doing what we need to do to survive the changes in our business and the resulting economic disaster.

I had all kinds of dreams about this last chapter of my career and they did not include feeling like I am part of a startup. Been there, done that, hated it then. I am angry, overwhelmed, and exhausted—but more than anything, I feel so disappointed. And then I judge myself, knowing that so many people are so much worse off than me: sick, losing loved ones, out of a job, homeschooling children while working full time, not to mention all the kids with canceled proms and graduations. What do I have to complain about?
And yet, here I am feeling out of sorts and not able to pull out of it.

Thoughts?

So Disappointed

Dear So Disappointed,

You bet I have thoughts. And a lot of similar feelings. I spent a couple of days feeling sorry myself because I wasn’t going to get to see my daughter pick up her Master’s diploma in her fancy cap and gown and yuk it up with all of our pals in New York City. And don’t get me started on how hard it has been to let go of our collective dreams for her gorgeous wedding in July. I mean, we argued over whether we should have broccoli salad (my vote: gross) and about 127 other details. And OMG, the band was going to be the best! And now—nothing. “Come on,” I tell myself. “People are dying. Get over it.” So I let myself have my sad little pity party for a weekend, and then I did get over it.

You must allow yourself to have your feelings. Just because someone else is suffering more than you are doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to acknowledge what a big fat bummer your own reality is. In fact, if you suppress your feelings, you will just end up feeling numb—or worse, you could start acting out: smoking, drinking too much, drugs, overeating—we are apparently having an epidemic of this kind of thing right now. So don’t do that. But you also don’t want to ruminate on your feelings by going over and over the same sad story in your head. That won’t help you; you’ll just get stuck in a nasty rut.

What will help is to break all of this down. Part of what is going on here is a mashup of all the facts, thoughts, and feelings until it feels like a car alarm is going off in your head. Let’s tease everything out so you can deal with each thing, one at a time.

The absurd workload: Your husband is right. You need to set some boundaries. Laptops do not belong in bed. Yes, I know millions of people watch TV on their laptops in bed, or goof around on YouTube and social media. So let me rephrase: work does not belong in bed. Yes, that’s better. New rule for you: NO WORK IN BED. You need your rest time and your sleep, and you will not be able to keep up this pace without health consequences.

I don’t care if everyone else is working as hard as you are. You are the one who is in pain. Put up the hand and say no. You know perfectly well what you can do in a reasonable workday—maybe that is 10 hours or even 12, but 16 is just sick and wrong. You are not saving babies from Ebola here, but somehow you have gotten yourself into life-or-death mode. The adrenaline and cortisol being released in your system will hurt you if you don’t cut it out.

Break down your work requirements and tell your boss and your team what you can do and what you can’t do. My experience is that the reward for good work is more work, not a break. Your boss is depending on you to cry uncle and tell him when you can’t do another thing. If you suffer in silence, the work will just pile on. You had gotten into a nice work rhythm before the Covid Fun House Crazy, so you got out of the habit of having to say no when enough is enough. Flex that muscle and use it now. I promise the entire organization isn’t going to go down the tubes because of you. If the company isn’t going to make it, the extra four hours you take to exercise, meditate, and sleep is not going to make the difference.

Suddenly trapped in a startup: Well. Yes. I can relate. I have been part of three startups—and the last time I said “never again.” Startups are a young person’s game, honestly, because they do take just about every drop of blood and sweat from each overtaxed employee.

The problem is this: every business is kind of a startup right now. Everybody is scrambling to figure out how to win or even operate with the new business landscape and restrictions. My own company is in the same boat. I keep hearing things like pivot, iterate, and fail fast, experiment! It is exhausting. All I can say is, this isn’t going to last forever. Your company will figure it out and things will settle down. This doesn’t change anything I said in the last section. It is reality and all you can do is adapt. Get some boundaries, take care of yourself, and do your best. This too shall pass.

The dashing of your dreams: This is a big deal. Bet you didn’t think I was going to say that. And I wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t studied neuroscience. I’m fascinated by one little neuroscience tidbit about the chemical reaction that occurs in our brains have when explicit expectations are disappointed. Research shows that when we have an expectation of something good and it is not met, our brains actually stop producing dopamine for a time.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is generally thought of as a feel-good chemical. It is released when we experience pleasure or anticipate a reward—cupcakes, wine, the perfect find on sale, juicy gossip. When we anticipate something good, our dopamine receptors are primed for the rush, and when it doesn’t come, the entire dopamine delivery system grinds to a halt. It feels terrible. In fact, it sets up such a negative downward spiral that it can affect our mood, and then our performance.

We intuitively know this. Think about the times you have strived for an outcome but tried really hard to manage your own expectations. We know disappointed hopes feel lousy, but unmet expectations feel even worse. So you, my friend, are the victim of perfectly reasonable expectations that are not being met. Your dream has turned into a nightmare. This is increasing your stress levels, decreasing your creativity and problem-solving ability, and probably affecting your confidence, too. The fact that you are not alone is no consolation.

What can you do about it? Reframe. Rewrite the story about how this part of your life was supposed to go. Define the narrative you had, and then redefine it. It might sound something like this: “Well, I thought this part of my career was going to be four-day work weeks, during which I could focus on my cherry-picked projects. I was going to do yoga every day and cook gourmet meals every night. But all that has changed now. My considerable wisdom and experience is now needed to creatively respond to this new challenge and rise to occasion by working at an accelerated pace again.” And so on. Focus on the strengths you can bring to this challenge, and what exactly will make you feel proudest when it is all over. Reset the expectations you had for this chapter of your life and keep them centered, as much as possible, on what you can control. You will find yourself in an upward spiral very quickly and start feeling a lot better.

If you need to wallow a little, go ahead. No one will blame you. But then do your work, untangle the yucky mess, deal with each thing one by one, and get that spiral going up.

Your husband will thank you, and your colleagues will too.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been working for the internet arm of a retail company for almost twenty years. When I started, we were truly innovating with the speed and fierceness of a startup. I was given carte blanche because the internet business was growing more quickly than that of the actual stores. The website has really always been my baby—with my vision, my art direction, and my ideas about functionality. About a year ago, the person who had been my boss during my time here left, and a new head of retail marketing was hired. I’ll call her IG.

IG is making my life hell. She paid a branding company a ton of money to do a re-brand for us and the work is just terrible. She did not involve me in any of the decisions and is now presenting me with a whole new branding direction that I know will not work for our online buyers. She pays no attention to my opinions or even my data. She calls me at all hours and sends me nasty texts when I don’t pick up. When we do talk, all she does is berate me for anything new we are doing on the website. She questions every little thing, even though I am executing the plan she signed off on prior to the big re-brand, which definitely isn’t ready for prime time.

For a while I thought she was merely mean, but now I am beginning to think she is just plain nuts. She is all over the place with her ideas and she changes every plan we make. I say black, she says white, and then when I agree that white is the way, she says purple. She criticizes me for something and then when I do it the way she wants, she doesn’t like that either. It almost feels like she is trying to keep everyone off balance so that nobody notices she has no idea what she is doing.

I love this company and I have a big stake in making sure it continues to be successful. At this point, though, I am so beaten down that I have lost my confidence and my motivation. I am thinking about bailing.

What do you think?

My New Boss is Nuts

Dear My New Boss is Nuts,

Don’t bail. Yet. Fight first. Then bail, if you have to.

This sounds so stressful. I am sorry this person has upset what sounds like a great job. You are going to have to stand up for yourself and do something about this. Normally, I would recommend a difficult conversation with your boss that included a request for change—but it doesn’t sound like your boss is someone who can be reasoned with. It’s possible she actually may be nuts—or she could be trying to make you quit so she can hire the person she wants in your job. Or, as you point out, maybe she is in over her head and is using the crazy behavior to cover it up. It is astonishing how long some people get away with that kind of thing. I have seen people use the strategy of sowing chaos many times, and you would be surprised how often it works.

Don’t let yourself get beaten down or become a victim of this situation. If you really care about the company, which you seem to, you owe it to yourself and others to at least try to fight back. Go over your new boss’s head to her boss, or go to HR. You have twenty years of stellar work behind you—if all of a sudden you’re unable to perform, I just can’t believe you wouldn’t be taken seriously.

To the best of your ability, document the instances in which your boss has behaved irrationally in the past and in which she behaves oddly in the future. Note all of the times you felt or feel bullied. Keep every single text, as they show the date and time of events. Write up the facts about any interaction that seems suspect to you, and time and date all notes that record the facts. You can get more information about how to document appropriately here. Remember that the more rational you sound and appear, the more unreasonable she will seem.

Keep your wits about you and document, document, document. You may even be able to sue for a hostile work environment—although lawsuits are the last resort because they drag on forever, they are expensive, and you could lose. But, if your boss’s boss and your HR representative are on notice that you could make a case, that gives you a little more power.

You can allow yourself to just fold. You really can. And I’m sure that option seems quite appealing right now. That’s the long-term effect that lack of safety and constant turmoil can have. But what will happen the next time someone tries to intimidate you? If you fight now, you will be ready for the next time, and maybe the next bully will know you are not an opponent to be messed with.

I know you didn’t ask for this. We rarely ask for the trials that test us and make us grow. But I think you will continue to feel beaten down and unmotivated if you let IG win. Fighting back will restore your sense of self and your confidence. And even if you lose, you will know you tried and you didn’t make things easy for her.

Can you tell I really hate bullies? I just hate them. I am not very objective about it, and I can’t claim to be, because I feel so strongly that we can’t let them win. So feel free to take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team in large organization. Last spring I was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer and I underwent intense and difficult chemotherapy. I worked from home and didn’t take any undue time off, though now I wish I had. I started back at work two months ago and things are, well—weird. And really hard.

Before my illness, I used to have lunch with my boss once a week. Now she is avoiding me. One of my peers is actually hostile—he sets me up to look unprepared in meetings and is otherwise trying to make me look bad. And one of my direct reports has started to speak to me as if she is my boss, not the other way around.

Before I got sick, I was a rock star overachiever who outperformed everyone around me. I was an idea factory and could pull all-nighters to get projects done. I am just not that way anymore. I get tired—and I still have some brain fog from the chemo. I was beautiful and young and I had gorgeous hair. All that is gone now. My confidence is truly shaken. How do I get my power back and protect myself?

So Alone

Dear So Alone,

Wow. It sounds like you feel very isolated and vulnerable. I am going to do my best to help you get centered, learn how to protect yourself, and get your mojo back.

Right out of the gate, I can tell you that you are losing ground when you compare your current self to your old self. Any time we compare ourselves with someone else—including our former selves—it isn’t going to go well. It’s not a good use of your valuable brain space or your time. Let’s ask this instead: what do you have now that you didn’t have before your illness?

You may have temporarily lost your hair and your youthful, sparky brain, but you are still the same deeply intelligent, very creative, hardworking woman you have always been. I want to emphasize that you underwent massive, absurd amounts of chemotherapy without taking time off. You are, in fact, a badass warrior goddess. Who are these people who seek to undermine you? You may not be what you once were, but here you are. You have been tested in the fire and you are, in fact, stronger than you have ever been.

So. Here is what you can do now:

• Invite your boss to lunch.
• If you are pushed to respond without adequate preparation, or are otherwise bullied, stop the nonsense and say: “I have nothing to add at this time,” or “I am happy to volunteer an opinion when I have all of the context,” or “Thank you for including me, I will certainly contribute when I feel the need.”
• When you are feeling bullied by your peer, just smile and breathe and shake your head like you don’t know what he is talking about. Saying nothing, or very little, is a tremendous source of power. Use it. Men do it all the time. Only speak when you have something really useful to say, and then say it quietly. This is so radically different from your past MO that it will feel weird—but it will work if you commit and stay strong.
• Pay attention to your direct report’s little tactics to undermine you. Record each instance and also notice the way she speaks to others. She may just be one of those people who bosses everyone around. If that is true, fine; let it go. But if it is just you, you will have to warrior up—tell her to cut it out and draw clear boundaries by making explicit statements such as: “Please don’t speak to me that way,” or “I am interested in your ideas, but please offer suggestions vs. telling me what to do,” or “Please don’t give me what sound like orders, ever—and certainly not in front of others.”

The thing to remember about people behaving badly is that they will do whatever you let them get away with. So it will be up to you to stop it. Find your own words to draw boundaries and practice out loud to get comfortable. When you are prepared, she will get the message that you are strong and she’d better stop her ridiculous behavior.

You asked, “How do I get my power back and protect myself?”

First, I think we need to rework your narrative. Yes, perhaps you made an error never taking time off and coming back to work too soon. However, here you are. So let’s change the story you are telling yourself. Right now it goes something like this:

I feel weak and tired. I still have chemo brain, I’m not as fast as I was before, and I don’t retain things the same way. My boss is avoiding me because she thinks I am a loser. My peers and direct reports smell blood in the water and are circling, gunning for my job. I feel vulnerable and alone.

What if it sounded more like this:

I am a badass warrior who slayed hideous chemo and am still standing strong. I didn’t take time off and I am crushing my job heroically. My boss is dodging me because most people simply don’t know how to talk about cancer so they avoid the whole thing—which in this case means me. My peer is simply a small-minded, nasty person who was jealous of me before and is now kicking me while I am down. I won’t let him get away with his bad behavior. My direct report may be disrespectful to me, or she may simply be super bossy. I am going to stop taking it personally, figure out what is going on, and then take corrective action. I am a warrior and these people cannot take me down.

OK? See the difference? That’s how you get your power back and how you protect yourself.

My final idea for you is to use music. Music has such power. Find some kind of music that fires you up—Alicia Keyes’s This Girl is on Fire, most of Beyonce’s stuff, Sarah Bareilles’s Be Brave—whatever appeals to you. Play it on your phone and hum it as you are walking into meetings.

I spent two years managing a massive global coaching program at a New York investment bank where it was mortal combat every day. I cried in the ladies room a lot. I somehow got the idea to hum the theme music from Raiders of The Lost Ark to get me through the worst moments, and it really helped.

Remember this: take nothing personally. None of this is about you—it just feels that way because you are feeling vulnerable. Now get your armor on, play your own heroine theme song, and go take a stand for this new version of yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

A couple of months ago I received a promotion I was really hoping for. Now I have fifteen direct reports where I used to have seven. Everything I am reading says I should be doing regular one-on-one meetings with each person, but my own workload has doubled and I have no idea how to fit everything in.

I’m already working twelve-hour days and checking email from home on nights and weekends. My employees constantly email and text me with questions or requests for feedback. My spouse is beginning to get annoyed with me.

I wanted this promotion and am happy for the extra money, but I am starting to really regret it. How on earth am I supposed to give everyone what they need and still get my job done? It all feels like…

Too Much

Dear Too Much,

Fifteen employees is a lot, especially when they need constant input from you. Even if they didn’t, that’s a lot of souls to support and get to know as human beings.

Is this the norm in your organization? If it isn’t, you might think about lobbying to promote one of your people and having some folks report to that person. If it is the norm, there might be an expectation about how to manage such a large team. Ask your boss if there are any classes/resources you might be able to tap into to help you handle things without feeling so swamped.

Until then, though, you need to set some standards for your team that will keep them on an even keel and lower your stress level. For someone who has as large a team as yours, the first step is to make sure everyone knows what their tasks and goals are and has what they need to do their job. You might focus on the areas where people are asking for the most feedback to help them become more comfortable using their own judgment. You can read a little more on that here.

About one on ones: yes, regular one on ones are ideal—but there is no law that says you have to do them every week or that they need to last an hour. Here are some tips that may help you.

• Start with 15 minutes every other week for each employee. You can probably work that into the calendar—that would add up to two to three hours a week.

• In an all-team meeting, announce that you expect each of your team members to be active participants in how they are managed, and that you expect them to meet you halfway. You can share this article about Self Leadership if you like. It describes leadership as a partnership.

• Let each employee know that their one-on-one meeting is their time to use any way they want. Once they get the hang of it, this will be their best opportunity to ask questions and get feedback. Let them manage the scheduling of it, or get a regular time on the calendar for each person.

• Let each employee drive the agenda for their one-on-one. Insist that each person emails an agenda for the meeting before their appointed time. This will force them to think about what they need from you in advance and use their time efficiently.

You can’t do it all. You are going to have to get your people to step up. But once you get the ball rolling, you might be surprised at how it eases the pressure.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is amazing. She has been a mentor for me and I admire her and learn from her every day. She has freakish stamina, is extremely bright and creative, and has a ton of experience and a huge grasp of strategy, management, and execution. There is nothing I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking her.

She is also nuts.

She wasn’t always nuts. But about eighteen months ago, she started having hot flashes in meetings and using a little iPhone-powered fan. I have also been witness to memory lapses and occasional irrational behavior. One minute she is totally normal and the next thing I know she is contradicting something she said the day before, not making sense, and seeming just plain nuts. A few days ago when I pointed out to her that she was telling me to do the opposite of what we had agreed on, she blew up at me.

I mentioned this to my mom and she said, “Oh yeah, the wild hormone shifts in menopause can make women go crazy.”

So I’m pretty sure my amazing boss is in the throes of menopause. I am hoping you can help me figure out how to deal with her when she goes off the rails. She doesn’t seem to be aware of how unreasonable she can be. Help!

My Boss is Having Hot Flashes

Dear My Boss is Having Hot Flashes,

Ah, my favorite thing: amateur family member diagnosis! And such a politically incorrect diagnosis it is! Your boss may indeed be suffering from hot flashes, mood swings, memory loss, brain fog, and insomnia—all of which are, indeed, classic symptoms of peri-menopause and menopause. Who wouldn’t be cranky? I am probably around the same age as your mom, so I happen to know all about this topic.

But really, so what? I guess it would be easier to deal with if you thought this was a finite situation that would eventually go away on its own. But the fact is, your boss’s behavior could be caused by any number of conditions or situations that are really none of your business. She might have something terrible going on at home, or she might be dealing with a serious health issue. You just don’t know, and you can’t assume.

So the question is this: how do you cope when someone who is normally a paragon of sanity behaves irrationally?

Strike when the iron is cold. One terrific book that really helped my husband and me when we were raising teenagers is Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!. The author advised readers to “strike when the iron is cold.” This means that you shouldn’t try to engage in the heat of the moment, which I think applies when anyone is acting crazy. In the moments your boss is behaving oddly, just stay calm and breathe. Don’t react or try to reason with her when she is hot under the collar. But pay attention to errors or inconsistencies—even take notes if you need to, so that when the time comes for you to talk about it, you can be super clear.

Have that hard conversation. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your boss, so in a calm moment, ask for some time and permission to share some observations. Be neutral and non-judgmental, but outline as objectively as possible what you have seen. Include the effect her behavior has on you—that it has made you confused and worried. She will probably be appalled and embarrassed. She must know her behavior has been erratic. It is really hard to watch yourself from the ceiling acting like a lunatic—unfortunately, I know this from experience. So hopefully, acknowledging it will help her. But if she shuts down the conversation and refuses to discuss it? Well, at least you tried.

Take notes and send them out. No matter what she does, try to maintain clarity about your job. One way to keep things really clear—and avoid he-said-she-said arguments about what was decided—is to take notes in every meeting, including a list of agreements, and send them to all meeting attendees. That way, you have a record and it isn’t just your memory vs. someone else’s. This is a good discipline to develop anyway, and will serve you well for your entire professional career.

Document the behavior in question. It’s possible that things may not improve and you eventually will have to go to HR. If this happens, you will need a record of incidents with dates and clear accounts of what happened. Even if you never need this record, it might help you find patterns or clues that will enable you to cope more effectively. I did this once with an employee and it helped me realize that Mondays were not good days to try to have planning conversations with her. I never could put my finger on why, but I just steered clear of anything taxing on Mondays. Apart from that quirk, she was a stellar employee.

For the love of Pete, don’t crack any jokes about menopause. We middle-aged women are not amused by being the source of others’ entertainment.
Given the high regard in which you hold your boss, I would say you can probably find it in your heart to cut her some slack while also taking care of yourself. Be kind, be patient, and keep your sense of humor.

If your diagnosis is correct, this too shall pass.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

A couple of years ago I moved from working in the bio/life sciences private sector to a government agency. It was a big adjustment, as you can imagine. Then, nine months ago, my direct supervisor was abruptly let go and I was tapped to be the boss. There was no due process, interviewing, or anything—I was just handed the job.

I was thrilled at first, but had no idea what a mess I was stepping into. I was put in the position of managing the people who were my peers, and they have all been here much longer than I have. I know some of them have struggled to not hold this promotion against me, but others have just let their hate flag fly.

If that weren’t enough, my new supervisor seems unstable. I never know what her mood will be. She starts every conversation with the problem of the day and wants me to help her understand who is to blame and how to punish them. I can’t really read her, but I can usually expect her to be hostile.

I am also dealing with some health problems that require multiple doctors’ visits but am afraid to share any information with my boss as I am certain it will not remain confidential. She thinks I’m slacking because I often take long lunches while at doctor appointments.

I am inspired by the mission of the agency, and I think I can really make an impact here—but I think the stress might just kill me. Thoughts?

Stress-o-Rama

Dear Stress-o-Rama,

Whoa. OK. Let’s review: you’re still adjusting to a government institution culture, your direct reports at the very least resent you and at worst hate you, and your boss is hostile and unpredictable. Is it possible your health issues are stress related? It doesn’t take an MD to suspect a correlation. Even if they are not related because you had them before all of this, it’s very possible the stress will make things worse. The research is unequivocal on this—and come on, did we really need the research to tell us?

First things first, my dear: your health. When people say things like “the stress might kill me,” they actually mean what they are saying, even if they don’t realize it. All the language we use that we pass off as metaphor is literal. That guy is a pain in the neck, this situation is crushing my back, she makes me sick, this job is sucking my soul out of me, my heart is broken. It is real. We are speaking the truth. And we all need to stop and listen to ourselves—me included—but right now, mostly you.

I appreciate that you are inspired and that you see how you could make an impact, but if the stress kills you, that won’t happen. Now you’re going to think I’m being dramatic, but I’m just going to say it. Stop. Breathe. Create an escape hatch. Go to HR, tell them about your health situation, and take some medical leave to get your sanity back. Go to your doctors’ appointments, learn to meditate, get acupuncture, go for long walks, speak to a counselor, create an action plan to get the likely direct reports on your side, and create a strategy to manage the nasty boss. Take two weeks, at least. Take PTO if you have to. You owe it to yourself to get the space you need to lower your stress level and craft a way to manage the multiple fronts on which you need to fight. Let’s be clear: I am not talking about taking a vacation. I am talking about taking a big step back, putting your self-care first, and putting a battle plan together with all of your wits about you. Get support from your best friends, your significant other, your parents. Devote yourself full time to getting yourself on an even keel and ready for what is to come.

With a little distance, you may see that you will not win here under any circumstance. That would be good data and something you can act on. Or you may see how you can win, get back into the game, and make the impact you so desire. But the breathing room and clarity you’ll get with a little distance are key. A couple of tools you can use immediately to calm yourself down:

• Meditation. No one has an excuse not to meditate, because you don’t need a book or a class anymore. All you need is to use a free app for 10 minutes a day. 10 minutes of meditation will lower your blood pressure from the first time you do it—and keep it down for the entire day. I have seen this work for the least likely, highest strung people in the highest stress situations. It is real. It works. Do it. 10 minutes.
• Morning Pages. This is a tool that was introduced in Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. Now I really am dating myself because it was originally published 28 years ago—but some things just stand the test of time, and this is one of them. It is super simple; first thing in the morning, even while you are still in bed, you write, longhand, in a stream of consciousness, for three pages. A legal pad, a journal, a notebook, whatever. That’s it. This benefits everyone in slightly different ways, but the number one response I have heard is that it lowers the static—the noise level in your head. Do it. It will take you 9 minutes and you have nothing to lose.

So I’ll bet you won’t take time off. Very few people do when they most need to. But maybe you will try meditating and/or morning pages. Either way, I really, really hope you make a concerted effort to calm yourself down so you can think straight, get your priorities in order, and stop thinking you might actually die. Keep me posted, please. Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is really tough—I would say borderline abusive. It isn’t just to me. He is awful to everyone. Because of this, I am in a constant state of anxiety and my work has definitely suffered. I was very good at my job but I know the quality has decreased because I have no confidence and can’t seem to make a decision anymore.

I wait for the boss to tell me exactly how he wants things for fear of doing it wrong. I know in my heart that I have a lot to offer and that I could do this job very well with little or no input from him.

Some days I feel like I just want to do the job the way I think it should be done—to hell with it—I’m going to get yelled at either way. What do you think?

Sick of Being Scared

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Sick of Being of Scared,

Well, at least it isn’t personal.

Okay, Sick, there is a continuum of options here. At one far end you have cowering submission, and at the other you have open conflict. No matter where you are on the continuum, you are going to be scared and your poor exhausted nervous system is going to produce cortisol and adrenaline. Eventually, something will give and you will get truly sick and have to take a leave of absence.

If you choose confrontation, at least it would put some control into your hands. The more control you can exert over your circumstances and the more certainty you can create for yourself, the less you will produce stress hormones and the better you will feel.

Are things too crazy for you to catch your mean boss in a calm moment and create some agreements? Tell him you want only to do excellent work and make him happy. Ask him to give you input at key junctures of your work so you feel confident about being on the right track. Walk through your ideas about how the work should be done and get input from him. Show that you are receptive to his ideas and willing to compromise.

Essentially, I’m saying don’t let your fear keep you from having discussions, especially since it sounds like he is going to huff and puff and yell regardless of what you do. If you can just remember that this is just the way he is, it doesn’t actually mean anything, and you aren’t going to die, you can take a stand for yourself and your ideas.

I think you nailed it—if you are going to get yelled at either way, to hell with it indeed; you might as well go for it. Think of your boss like you do cold rainy weather: put on your metaphorical raincoat, pop up your imaginary umbrella, and just let yourself be okay with getting a little wet. Who knows—he may respect you all the more for it.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’m a mid-level manager with a large team. My boss pretty much leaves me on my own to get my job done. He knows he can trust me. My problem is that I am constantly anxious about my performance, even though no one tells me it isn’t good enough.

Everyone keeps talking about people who are strategic, and I honestly don’t know what that means. I’m pretty sure I am not. Right now we are setting our goals for the year and it’s difficult for me. I think I’m just not a very good planner.

The more I think about this stuff, the more anxious I get. I feel like it is ruining my life.

Help?

Anxious

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Anxious,

Okay, let’s unpack one item at a time, shall we? First things first: your anxiety. It appears there is no rational reason for you to be anxious. Your boss trusts you, you are doing your job well, and you aren’t great at planning—but very few people are.

Have you always had a lot of anxiety, or is this a new development?

If you have always been anxious, you might consider working with a therapist to get to the bottom of it and get some real help. Most organizations have Employee Assistance Programs that are totally confidential and allow for at least a couple of visits with a professional. It can’t hurt and will probably help.

If your anxiety is new, you might examine what has recently changed. Are you watching the news more? That will ratchet up anyone’s anxiety. Have you altered your living situation? It’s possible that a change in routine has thrown you off balance. Often even small changes that we think shouldn’t affect us can throw us for a loop.

One client I worked with was a wreck. When we tried to pin down what was going on, I suggested that it might have to do with the fact that she was getting married. She kept saying, “But I am so happy, this is a good thing, I don’t know why I am so emotional and worried.”

Even the best change is hard and can throw us off center. So cut yourself some slack. Identify the source of new anxiety so that you can address the root cause. Sometimes just clarity and acknowledgment will help you get back on an even keel.

As it happens, there are a few little techniques that can reduce the hold anxiety can have. One is a gratitude practice. Any time you have a down moment—walking up the stairs, taking an elevator, waiting for a light to turn green—just make a quick list of all the things you are grateful for. Your cat, your new phone, the lunch you had today, your best friend, your best employee; anything good or even kind of good that comes to mind. It literally shifts your thinking and your brain chemistry and will always help, never hurt.

Another thing to try, especially at work, is to list your strengths and everything you are good at. Is there any harder job than mid-level manager? I don’t think so. It is fiendishly difficult to be squeezed by top leadership and by the people you are sworn to protect and serve. I wrote an article about this a few years back. I’ll bet you are actually really good at a lot of things that are easy to overlook when you are super focused on your least strong suit.

Let’s talk about the strategy thing now. Strategy is a big word that means lots of things to different people. The actual definition of strategy, from dictionary.com, is: “a plan of action or policy designed to achieve a major or overall aim.”

You clearly can do that, because you have done it in the past. It may not be easy for you—but if pressed, I am certain you have a strong grasp of what your team needs to achieve and what you all need to do to achieve it. You may need to think out loud with a trusted co-worker or one of your team members, and you may have to create several drafts until you get it right.

Planning does require a lot of mental horsepower and some creativity; so, really, it isn’t easy for anyone to do. Try blocking off some quiet time, especially in the morning when you are fresh, to map out your ideas. It will be messy at first but you can put it all into order after you get all your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. It will also take a few iterations to get it right. Perhaps you are not comfortable with mess and expect yourself to get it all crystal clear and correct on the first pass. You will need to get past that expectation.

If you really feel stuck, there is no reason not to discuss this with your boss. Just because he can depend on you doesn’t mean you are on your own and can’t ask for direction and support when you need it.

When people talk about others being strategic, it can mean any number of things: they are making every decision according to a big master plan, or they have a perspective of the big picture, or they can see how multiple departments should work together to reach a common goal or how the company fits into the industry and the trends in the marketplace. Keep in mind, it could also mean the person is masterful at delegating brilliantly so that they never end up having to do any actual work.

I worried the same thing about myself a few years ago and ordered the book Learning to Think Strategically by Julia Sloan. Some of the material—more than I expected, actually—was not news to me, but the author had some good tips I had never heard of for thinking things through. I would submit to you that a book like this will help to remind you of how much you actually do know and fill in a few blanks. Strategy just isn’t that big a mystery. I think the word just scares us.

Finally, anxiety is no joke. It can color every facet of your life and make everything difficult. Don’t try to gut it out alone if this little chat doesn’t help. Get some real support. It can make all the difference.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have a high-stress technical job serving the sales department of a professional services company. I have one direct report I am struggling with.

Everything is an emotional event with him. He takes everything personally and even finds ways to get offended by positive feedback. He is always melting down and getting sick. I am doing more and more of his job myself, and I spend inordinate amounts of time talking him off the ledge.

In his defense, our sales people move fast—and it’s true they have dumped extra work on him, and even some work he shouldn’t be doing. I have talked to my boss about getting more help, but my boss tends to stay out of things like this as long as the work is getting done. In this case, he just smiles and tells me I can do it!

I am at my breaking point. I just don’t know what to do. Help?

At Wit’s End

___________________________________________________________________

Dear At Wit’s End,

You are clearly kind, compassionate, competent, and over-functioning for everyone else. It will feel mean when I point out that you are role modeling perfectly how to allow yourself to be taken advantage of. So, stop it. Right now.

Your battle is on two fronts: 1) the problem with your direct report 2) the problem with getting what you need from your boss.  Decide which to tackle first and then get up on your horse and charge. Remember, you say you are at your wit’s end, so at this point you have nothing to lose.

Regarding your direct report: first go to HR and get yourself some help. You need to put your direct report on a performance plan and hold him accountable for his share of the work. You can provide him with information about what the company offers in terms of psychological support. Many Employee Assistance Programs offer at least six sessions with a qualified therapist and it would at least be a start for him to address his emotional instability.

A manager can only provide so much support, and it sounds like you crossed that line a while back. The guy must get professional help or risk losing his job. I know it sounds harsh, but honestly—he is not going to have a successful career without some real help, so you are doing him a favor. The longer you cover for him and spend critical work time providing amateur psych services for him, the deeper you are digging your hole. Heck, get some of that psych support yourself—talk things through with someone and develop a strategy to protect yourself from your own niceness in the future.

In terms of your boss: it’s hard to tell, but because you are so nice, I’m guessing you aren’t being direct about all aspects of this situation. Get super clear about what you need. If necessary, use a spreadsheet to show the amount of work coming in and how many hours go into different tasks. That will paint the picture of how out of whack things are.

You may have to threaten to quit if you can’t get the support you need, which means you should be answering calls from headhunters, trolling job sites, brushing up your LinkedIn profile, and preparing to make your move. Be prepared for the possibility that you might have to go, it will strengthen your position. But don’t think you can run away from your own inability to set boundaries and stand up for yourself – if you don’t really work on this now, you will get yourself right back into a similar pinch in your next job. Use this opportunity. It will be really uncomfortable, but worth it. I promise, you will never look back.

You can do it. Apply the same fierce analytical skills and high-level competence to this situation that you use in the technical parts of your job. Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Hi Madeleine,

I have been working for over 15 years in my field and have moved up the ranks. In my last role I was a manager. 

Six months ago, I left my old job and moved to a company that had a small team where I was given a supervisor/team lead title that was one step below my previous position. That was fine, given that the title was the next rank down in the new company’s hierarchy. I also anticipated that the job would further my skill set and I would learn different tools and approaches. I had felt stagnant in my previous job. 

Recently, our department head created a new “senior team lead” level between the role I have and the one above. My teammate was then promoted to this new role based on the fact she’s been here for a year longer than I have and would be assisting my team lead with strategy. 

I don’t begrudge my teammate her promotion because she deserves it. However, I’m feeling like I’ve effectively been demoted because I’m now two ranks below manager instead of one. And the way that my manager presented a document detailing the new “career path” felt patronizing. 

I also feel that my 15+ years in the field counts for nothing and that I’m just seen as a new person who has been with the company for six months—even though I have more experience and skills than both my team lead and my teammate put together. 

I know I have the skills for this newly created job, but I would have to work here for another three to five years to be promoted even to my former level, let alone anything above that. 

Should I say something? What? How? And to whom? 

Thanks,

Did I Make a Mistake?

Dear Did I Make a Mistake,

I think you might be focusing on the wrong things. The questions to ask yourself are:

• In this new job, are you able to further your skill set and learn different tools and approaches as you expected?
• Do you like your team and your new manager?
• Do you enjoy working with your new team?
• Is your current compensation and benefit package working for you?
• Is your quality of life (workspace, commute, personal sustainability) better with your new job, or worse?
• Do you want to manage people, or do you prefer to be a technical specialist?

It sounds like your mind is really stuck on the seniority and your career trajectory, which is fine, but you must decide if that is more important to you than everything else.

That you felt patronized in your meeting with your manager is a different and separate issue. You definitely want to clear the air about that. If she isn’t aware of your experience, it wouldn’t hurt for her to know about it. If she is open to feedback about her approach to the conversation, it would be very good to share what you thought and how it made you feel. Just because your title isn’t where you want it to be doesn’t mean that your experience should be diminished or that you should feel disrespected.

If you weigh the answers to all of questions against your dissatisfaction with your seniority and title and it still feels all wrong, then you have your answer. Fight for the right title and level based on your experience—and be ready to go elsewhere if proper adjustments can’t be made.

If everything is really working for you, I suggest you let this go and focus on simply enjoying the work and doing a great job.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I work as a training manager in a large organization. Two years ago my boss was let go. Since then, I have been doing both her job and my old job.

I like my current boss (formerly my boss’s boss) but it’s obvious that he is fine with the existing situation. I’m not—and I feel taken advantage of.

My review is coming up and I am wondering how direct I should be. I am an introvert and quite shy and standing up for myself is not my strong suit. On the other hand, I am angry now.

Mad at My Boss

Dear Mad,

Getting two full-time employees for the price of one is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Managers get away with it because employees let them. It’s good that you’re angry. I hope that anger will catapult you into action and get you to stand up for yourself. Use it to drive your planning and fire up your courage.

You should be very direct—but the key is to remain emotionally neutral while being so. It is my experience that the reason most people don’t demand what is fair is that they can’t find a way to express themselves without becoming emotional. So they just don’t express themselves at all.

So how to do it?

Think long and hard about what your requests will be. Put them in order of priority and decide what is negotiable and what isn’t. Then practice, practice, practice. Ask a friend to play your boss and force yourself to do it. It will feel awkward, and you will feel embarrassed at first—but isn’t it better to feel that way in a safe environment than when you are with your boss and the stakes are high?

Practice ways of saying no. Try variations like “That doesn’t work for me; what if we did this instead?” or “Let’s consider another approach.” Get comfortable with a couple of phrases that may not be normal for you. You are asking yourself to perform something way out of your comfort zone, so preparation will be your best friend.

Reflect on your experience with your current boss and brainstorm all possible objections or arguments he might use to talk you out of your requests. Practice your well-thought-through responses.

Think through everything—job responsibilities, how attached you are to the change in title, and, of course, salary. Put it all in writing so you don’t forget anything (easy to do if your nerves get the best of you). Begin by asking for everything you want and be ready to negotiate down to what is essential. Decide in advance what you are willing to give up—and what you will do if you can’t get what is most essential to you.

You should consider being prepared to leave the job if you can’t get your boss to agree to your bare minimum. This means brushing up your resume, polishing your LinkedIn profile, and even putting out feelers if you haven’t already. Having a Plan B will make you feel stronger in your negotiations.

You may find a lot of excellent support in Amy Cuddy’s book, Presence: How to Bring Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges. Amy Cuddy is a social scientist who has overcome her own natural shyness, so she strikes me as extraordinarily credible. I am a big fan of her research on “power posing” and have used it myself before doing things that scare me. If you don’t have time to get her book, you can at least watch her TED talk.

When the time comes for the conversation, take especially good care of yourself. Make sure you have enough time and you won’t be interrupted. Remember to breathe. If you feel dizzy from nerves or can’t remember what you wanted to say, feel the soles of your feet on the floor and take a deep breath. Everything you need to remember will come in on your breath and you will be fine.

Most of us spend all of our time preparing for what we want to say and no time at all preparing for the end of the conversation. Your manager will benefit from this and will probably try to get you to agree to things in the meeting, but don’t fall for it! Do not, not, NOT capitulate to anything in the conversation. Instead, take everything he proposes—take notes if you need to—and tell him you will think about it. This will give you the time you need to think things through with your wits about you.

This may all feel like overkill, and it may be. But I guarantee all of this thoughtfulness and preparation will give you gravitas and make you brave—which will make it much harder for your boss to turn you down.

Fortune favors the brave…and the prepared.

Be fierce.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a few years in, working on Wall Street.  I am a financial analyst and am pretty good at my job.

At my recent performance review my boss told me that I need to “build my brand.”  

What the heck? I tried to get some detail out of him but didn’t get much. He said to get ahead here, I need to find ways to stand out and get noticed. I was figuring if I aced my advanced finance exams and did great work, the rest would take care of itself.

Can you shed some light on this?

In the Dark

Dear In the Dark,

The first thing I can tell you is that nothing ever takes care of itself. There is no fairness, no justice, and no reward for working hard. Doing great work is the ante that keeps you in a job and gets you one thing: more work. It doesn’t get you noticed or promoted—especially in the shark tank that is Wall Street.

You’re going to want to be clear about your career goals, develop relationships with anyone who can help you achieve them, and be memorable to anyone who matters. If you’re committed enough to your own success to study for and ace those fiendish exams, then you might be able to devote a little brain space and energy toward thinking about your brand.

I first heard about the concept of personal branding from Tom Peters back in the 90s. What I thought at the time would be a fad has really stuck. Essentially, it means thinking of yourself as a product that you need to keep top of mind with potential consumers.

This means you have to apply fundamental marketing theory to yourself. What are the features and benefits of you? Who might be interested in them? How do you differentiate yourself from other people like you? What real or perceived value do you bring to anyone who might work with you?

I can see your face right now, all scrunched up with distaste. I get it. I do. But you are an analytical thinker and obviously smart enough, so you can do this.

The key is to start with what is true. Those who try to build a brand based on lies can’t keep it up long term. Think about:

• Who are you? I worked with one client who called himself a Hoosier—which essentially means being from the state of Indiana, but also stands for being straightforward and honest. Early in his career he hid it because he thought it made him seem unsophisticated, but eventually he built a very successful persona based on this and it always felt authentic because it was.
• What is important to you? These are your values—what matters to you. You can develop a reputation for being a stickler for accuracy, being a data junkie, or being able to synthesize numbers into a narrative that is interesting to non-numbers types. Maybe you’re a super sharp dresser? Always into the latest hair styles? Keep it up, be consistent, and make it a signature.
• What makes you unique? What odd combination of skills do you have that nobody else has?
• What are your signature strengths? (If you don’t know, you can take a free assessment here).
• What do people get from hanging out with you? If you really have no idea, ask your friends. They will tell you if you’re funny, or if you always ask the odd question that nobody else thinks of, or if you’re the person who knows every microbrewery in the tri-state area.

From the list of what is important to you, you can build standards for your own behavior and appearance that will always be consistent. You can make choices to reveal certain aspects of yourself, when, and to whom. This is what makes you special and memorable to people and this is what your boss is trying to tell you. Just doing good work and keeping your head down is not going to get you anywhere.

There is a whole social media aspect to this as well—you can use your self-discoveries to curate a compelling representation of yourself on social media. I personally would rather have dental work, and I suspect you feel the same way. But you are at the beginning of your career, so I don’t know that you will be able to avoid it. I found a recent article that may help you with more specifics on this. I like the way the author focuses on how you add value.

Finally, part of your brand is going to be defined by who you know and hang out with. Find people you like, are interested in, and can learn from based on what how you answer the questions above. Join committees at work that are focused on things that are important to you. Environmental issues? Saving Australian Shepherds? Whatever it is, find your tribe and hang out with them.

Identify the folks who have the job you want to be doing within the next three years and ask one of them to be your mentor. The first one may turn you down, but keep trying. You’re probably thinking “Oh no, I’m an introvert, I can’t do that!” Yes, you can—and if your career is important to you, you will. You can be as shy and introverted as you want in your personal life, but you’re going to have to move out of your comfort zone at work.

I know this is a lot of extra stuff to think about, so take it step by step. Slow and steady wins the race. Apply that work ethic and that considerable intelligence to this problem, and you will be just fine.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I recently took a director level job with a huge Fortune 50 organization. I have been thrown into the deep end and I am worried about completely bombing out. I have had zero onboarding, so I am constantly making errors and spending tons of time backtracking and clearing things up.

I am really trying to do all of the things that Michael Watkins says to do in The First 90 Days, but his methods pre-suppose a sane organization. I am in back-to-back meetings all day, taking work home at night, and I have a list of deliverables as long as my arm.

When I ask my boss about how to prioritize my work, she just looks at me blankly. She clearly expects it to all get done at the same time. I have two direct reports who are already swamped and I am working on hiring a third one. 

I am used to getting things done and making an impact, but I can’t do that here. I am literally in despair that I left a great job to jump into this hell. Should I just jump ship before I get fired?

Want to Jump Ship

Dear Want to Jump Ship,

This sounds hard—regret about leaving a comfortable situation for a hellish one can really take the wind out of your sails. But take heart—you are suffering from the classic, predictable stage of disillusioned learner! In our SLII® training, we teach that we all start on a goal or a task as an “enthusiastic beginner,” and then hit the wall and become a “disillusioned learner.” This development level is marked by all the things you are thinking: “What was I thinking, leaving my old job?” “I am never going to make it here.” “Should I jump ship?”

The thing I can say to you is: this stage won’t last. You are going to figure this out and get yourself on an even keel from which you can make a rational decision. Big corporations can feel like lunatic asylums—I know, I have worked in some.

You will find your groove and fit right in. Or you may not. Either way, you will make the choice to stay or go based on the criteria you decide.

So what are your criteria for an organization you want to work for? Examples might be: amazing leadership, the company is making the world a better place, you are making more money and amazing benefits which will allow you to do something you always wanted to do. Make your list. When you feel as if you can breathe again, consult it and see if you are in the right place.

In the meantime, since your boss has no interest in helping you prioritize, you will have to prioritize for yourself. Since you are at director level, your boss probably assumes you know how to do this and expects you to do it. Decide what tasks you think are most important, find something that can get you a win, and focus on that. You might choose wrong—but honestly, what do you have to lose? Do a couple of things well and get your feet under you.

Take a few minutes a day to meditate, calm your brain down, and breathe. Take a deep breath in and exhale. Take care of yourself, eat lunch, and go home at a reasonable hour. You will wake up one day soon and realize you are fine.

Breathe.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a great manager at a nonprofit. My manager is wildly committed, super passionate, and really seems to care about his employees. I have reported to him for seven years, during which time I have gone from being known as a green kid right out of college to an old hand who knows how to get things done around here.

My problem is that my manager is terrible at hiring. Terrible. He keeps hiring people that were vetoed by everyone else on the team. He falls in love with candidates for obscure reasons, such as he likes their foreign accent or their backpack (true story—it was covered with travel stickers showing third world countries the guy had worked in, which is relevant to our mission, but still).

Our last three hires have been disasters, and I saw it coming each time. All three were gone quickly but our team is tired of the time and energy it takes to onboard these people as well as the disruption to our day-to-day work.

I have been researching different hiring practices and I think I could add a lot of value by making our process more effective so we make better hires. How do I go to my manager and offer my help without him getting defensive or seeing it as insubordination?

Only Want to Help

Dear Only Want to Help,

I can only assume your organization doesn’t have a competent HR person to support hiring—if it doesn’t, you do seem to be on your own. Hiring is so often treated as an afterthought and not considered to be as critical as it is. The best employees are the people with the right experience, the right skills, a solid fit with the values of the organization, and a love of work. The best employees are almost always good hires to begin with. There are a lot of ways to assess potential candidates and thereby raise the quality of new hires.

If you do, in fact, have someone in HR, you may want to start there so you aren’t stepping on any toes.

Either way, I think it is fair to say that you should talk to your boss. You have worked together for too long not to be honest about the toll the errors are taking and how you might be able to add value. I am laughing a little because all of my regular readers know exactly what I am going to say: talk to your manager and ask for permission to offer some thoughts.

The good news is that the mistakes were rectified quickly. The only worse thing than a bad hire is not recognizing it and fixing it fast. The best way to avoid big mistakes, other than hiring well, is to impose a three- to six-month probationary period before going to a full employment contract. You’d think people would be on their best behavior for the required time period, but my experience is that people are pretty much are themselves from the outset.

Even so, the cost of a wrong hire is high. So, as you prepare to talk to your manager, consider how he prefers to process information. He might respond well to a narrative—the emotional decision based on a backpack might be a clue. You describe him as super passionate and caring, so possibly an approach based on appealing to his emotions may be the way to go. Or perhaps if he is an analytical thinker and uses data (just not when hiring!) he will be persuaded by facts and figures. If he seems to be a systems thinker, you can go at the problem using information about how each system in the organization is affected by the disruption and how much more smoothly things would go with proper hiring decision making protocols in place.

Listen to your manager’s speech—the way he talks will be your tipoff. Use language he tends to use and thought patterns that will feel familiar to him. Ask for permission to share your thoughts and be ready with a brief, condensed version of your argument and your approach. Start with the big picture and the headlines and get him interested. Once he is interested, you can go ahead with your detailed outline. You can be ready with a presentation to give right in the meeting or to send to him afterward.

Your use of the word insubordination was a bit of a surprise, as there is less hierarchy these days than ever before. Perhaps your boss has strong control needs? If so, three bad hires in a row must really hurt. I think the only thing that would be insubordinate would be doing something behind his back or gossiping about his lack of competence in hiring. Trying to add value by doing research and making recommendations based on accepted best practices seems reasonable to me. Show respect and be polite and kind. Pay close attention to how what you are saying is being received and stay attuned to when you should stop and try again later. You should be okay. Your heart is in the right place.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I manage a large team of accountants and other kinds of finance experts. We recently posted a job for a senior budget analyst.

One of the applicants is a person who was in the finance department a couple of years back. I wasn’t his boss, but I wasn’t impressed with him then and I am not impressed with him now. He wasn’t a team player, he was loud and obnoxious, he complained about the workload, and he left the group suddenly.

I am dead set against rehiring this person. But my boss, the CFO of our company, remembers him fondly and thinks it would shorten ramp-up time to hire someone who knows the organization. I think we can do much better.

How do I make my argument without sounding like a jerk? It’s also possible that this guy is a friend of the boss and I would run the risk of hurting myself politically.

Taking a Stand

Dear Taking a Stand,

Adding a new hire is always a risk to a high-functioning team, so you are right to be concerned. One bad apple can indeed spoil the barrel, as Adam Grant shares in his recent research. Hiring may be the most important part: some people are good at it but sometimes it is just sheer luck to get it right. One of the consultants we work with to get job fit exactly right, Phil Olsen, told us you must answer three critical questions when hiring:

1. Can they do the job the way we want it done (or better)?
2. Will they love us?
3. Will we love them?

I would also suggest you take an analytical approach to solving this problem. Lean on HR to design the exact competencies and experience required for the job. Include the importance of attitude and work ethic in your job design—this should easily exclude the candidate you are allergic to. You won’t be a jerk—it’s just a matter of fact. (If you don’t have that expertise in house, I’d suggest you contact Phil. His method is phenomenal.)

If you are stepping onto political thin ice, I guess you will find out if your boss insists on hiring the ex-employee despite the data showing what a mistake it would be. It seems, though, that if you get your ducks in row and can intelligently make your case, you will be fine.

Finally, the best argument against a weak candidate is to find an ideal one—so the faster you can do that, the better off you will be. Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have a wonderful team. They are all very different, with different strengths and skill sets, which I think makes us well rounded. They lean on each other when they need to problem solve. My problem is that my boss seems to have it in for one my people—let’s call her “B”.

We just finished performance review time and I rated B as “meets or exceeds expectations” on all of her goals, which is accurate. She needs to improve in a few areas, but so does everyone else on the team, including me!

My boss thinks I am too soft on B and that I should put her on a performance plan and try to manage her out of the organization. I am mystified by this because B does a respectable job, is dependable, and everyone on the team seems to like working with her.

How should I handle this situation?

Stumped

Dear Stumped,

This is not good and confusing indeed. I think you need to go back to your boss with all of B’s goals and competencies and walk through them together to get more detail on exactly what B needs to improve. Tell your boss you can’t do a PIP if there is nothing you see that needs that much improvement. Ask if they have heard feedback they haven’t shared with you. Hopefully this will shed some light.

If your boss just can’t explain things to your satisfaction, it may be that they have personal ulterior motives. If this is the case, you have a real problem—probably one you can’t solve. What ulterior motive could your boss possibly have, you ask? I have a bit of a jaded view on this, having been coaching in organizations for twenty years. I keep thinking nothing can surprise me anymore, only to find myself being surprised, once again, by how badly people can behave. I will resist the temptation to speculate, but ask yourself Why on earth would my boss want B gone?

You might ask B what her experience with your boss has been without revealing that your boss is not a fan. That might tell you something.

It’s possible your boss is responding to organizational pressures. I recently worked with a client who was in the same position as B and it was because she was an early employee who had a very large base salary. It was very clearly a policy from top brass to thin the ranks of folks with high salaries. But here I go, speculating.

As you explore possible motives, you will have to decide whether to take your boss’s side or stand up for B. So now is a good moment to examine your values—and possibly brush up your LinkedIn profile and resume. Now I am sounding alarmist and I’m sorry, but I want you to be prepared.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a trainer in a call center. It is fast, loud, and chaotic—and I love it. I take total newbies and train them to start at the most basic levels.

Once they leave me, they go on to other trainers who train them in more specialized work. They all have managers who, in theory, are supposed to give them feedback. The problem is that managers have anywhere from 20-30 direct reports at any given time and there is no way on earth for them to monitor everyone.

As I walk around, I hear my former students making basic errors and I can’t stand it. My problem is that my desire to correct them is almost out of my control. I heard one big error happening the other day, so I stuck my nose in and gave some feedback, nicely. The next thing I knew, that person’s manager (a peer, technically) was upset and complained to their own boss … well, big mess.

Should I just let people make mistakes? I trained these people in the first place, so I feel a certain pride in their performing well. Am I too much of a perfectionist? How should I handle this?

Once a Trainer

Dear Once a Trainer,

As a person who often calls in to call centers, I thank you for your commitment! I could tell you to let it go, that it isn’t worth the hassle, but I am not sure you could live with that.

The other option is to try to shift the training culture in the organization. The first step is to discuss your concerns with your own boss. See if they can use their influence to position you and other basic trainers as roving monitors 100 percent of the time. I can’t imagine that the senior leaders in the organization would object to all employees keeping an eye on quality at all times. You can also socialize the idea with other managers who are your peers, making it clear that your intention is not to step on anyone’s toes but to maintain the quality of the customer experience.

Even if you can’t get buy-in, you could position your role as basic trainer and giver of feedback for all operators always. Tell your newbies that even when they leave you, if you overhear them you will give them feedback—either praising or redirection—for the duration, as that is your job. That way, all of your trainees will expect feedback from you and won’t go running to their managers when you give it. The biggest problem will arise if you give feedback that is different from what another manager would give—so make sure the processes and procedures are clear and consistent. If your feedback is based on your opinion and the person’s manager’s opinion is different … well, big mess.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

About three months ago, my boss told me that I was in line for a promotion. It is now the middle of December and I haven’t heard a word. I asked about it at my last one-on-one and he looked at me funny and then changed the subject. I don’t think he remembers the conversation.

My boss is usually great and nice, but also sometimes moody and weird—and he often doesn’t remember conversations. I once submitted a report he had asked me to create – I spent four nights and a weekend putting it together. Again he gave me that blank look and it was obvious he had no idea what it was and no memory of having asked me to do it.

In the meantime, I really want that promotion. What do I do now?

Boss in a Fog

Dear Boss in a Fog,

Wow, this is tricky. We all have memory lapses and stress can make the problem worse, but this seems beyond the norm.

It doesn’t appear that the behavior comes from bad intentions, so you are going to have to prioritize which is more important to you right now: that your boss gets the help he needs to be clearer, or that you get the clarity you need to be as effective as possible in your job.

It all depends on the relationship you have with your boss. Clearly he has a problem, and some would tell you to go to HR to report it. The key, if you want to go with that course of action, is to keep track of incidents with dates and details.

I would only recommend this course of action if you don’t feel like you can have an honest conversation with your boss. I can tell you that if my employees noticed that I was being odd and inconsistent, I would very much want them to mention it to me. This option would require some practice and courage. I am a big fan of Susan Scott’s method from her book Fierce Conversations.

1. Name the Issue. He has said specific things which he then does not seem to recall.
2. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior. The ones you shared here should do it.
3. Describe your emotion about this issue. You feel you do a lot of work that doesn’t make any difference to anyone. You got all excited about a possible promotion and now have no idea what is going on.
4. Clarify what is at stake. This is tricky. You can stick with how it is affecting you personally, or you can go out on a limb and share that you are worried about your boss’s health. The angle that you are worried about him can easily backfire, though, so take stock of the relationship. If you don’t have the history, he could easily get defensive.
5. Identify your contribution to this problem. Is it possible you are misinterpreting things? Be honest.
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue and be specific about what “resolved” looks like to you. This is critical and will provide both of you with a measure so you will both know that the fix is successful. In your case, I would suggest repeating back what you hear to make sure you got it right. Then document all conversations and email them to your boss for confirmation on what was agreed to.
7. Invite the other person to respond.

The thing I like most about this process is that it forces you to prepare for a conversation about one problem, and one only. You can’t pile on with everything your boss does that drives you crazy, but you can, maybe, make an impact on one thing he does that is impacting your success.

Maybe try a conversation first. If that doesn’t yield anything, then go to HR. You are not the first person to notice this, and this may even be a known problem. Regarding the promotion, you may just have to deal with the fact that it was never a real possibility in the first place. You won’t know until you tackle the fundamental problem with your boss or talk to someone in HR about it.

Happy holidays to you. I hope you get your promotion, and I really hope your boss is OK.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I had my first baby three years ago and now have another one on the way. I am an attorney in a New York law firm and the main breadwinner in our family. My spouse works from home and does the lion’s share of the child care.

As soon as I started showing and announced my pregnancy, the managing partner of our firm—who has been my mentor since I was a third-year associate—called me into his office and talked to me about going “mommy track” and not being serious about my career. He told me he was dumping me as a mentee and was going to find someone else.

I am tough, but it was everything I could do not to burst into tears. I had thought he understood my plans. I feel betrayed and I want to go back and confront him—but I’m not sure he isn’t right. I resent how much I am missing of our first child’s babyhood and am often jealous of my husband. I’m not sure what to do. Help.

Mommy Tracked?

Dear Mommy Tracked,

It is awful to be rejected by someone who you were sure had your back—and also to be questioning your own big plan on top of everything else. From a social neuroscience standpoint, your brain is on tilt right now. It is probably best to take a step back, think things through, and get yourself on an even keel before making any rash decisions.

Let’s start with the personal rejection piece. There are a couple of techniques you can use to lessen the emotional impact of what the managing partner did. If you are like most of us, ever since it happened you’ve been thinking about the things you should have said. Regrettably, this creates a loop that is self-perpetuating—the more you think about it, the more you think about it.

To reduce the emotional grip the conversation has on you, I have a couple of techniques you might want to try. The first is called labeling. To do this, you simply tell the story of what happened and label each emotion you experienced at each moment. For example: “When my managing partner started out with ‘I see you have another bundle of joy on the way, and I am disappointed in you,’ I was shocked at his rudeness.”

Another method is called distancing. You recount the events as if they happened to somebody else. For example: “She walked into the managing partner’s office expecting to talk about the holiday bonus and instead was attacked out of the blue. She was utterly dumbstruck…”

Now let’s address the ambiguity of your future, given that you are doubting your original plan. Uncertainty is very destabilizing so be gentle with yourself. I am not an expert in gender politics so I can only share my point of view here. Having been born at the very tip of baby boom tail, I grew up hearing the assurance that I could have it all: not just work but significant work that generated revenue—and romance and marriage, and children.

Having worked the entire time I raised my kids (who are now in their twenties), I found that women can have it all, just not necessarily at the same time. And not necessarily in all institutions. For example, if you want to have a front row seat to your kids’ childhood, you can be an attorney—but you may not be able to be a partner in a big NYC law firm. It has been my experience that moms who struggle to give 100 percent at home and 100 percent at work benefit most from doing what they love and are good at, in a way that offers them flexibility.

My point here is, now that you have experienced the reality of your dream, you may want to revise it and possibly shift your priorities. Let me be clear: I am not advocating the merits of one path over another. I am advocating that you choose your turn at this crossroads with your eyes wide open.

Take stock. Talk with your spouse about how you feel—just airing your feelings may reveal something important. You may decide to go the warrior route and prove yourself to your managing partner with renewed vigor. Or you may decide to make some changes to your plan. Either way, if you tell yourself and your spouse the truth as you are experiencing it right now, you will soon know what is right for you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly new manager for a giant tech company, with only one direct report. 

Over the last year our upper management has been consolidating departments and flattening things out. I am pretty sure my direct report and I are going to be either folded into another group or let go altogether.

I don’t want to be demoted or laid off. I know what we do is important to the business unit we are in, but I don’t know whether anyone else thinks so. 

What can I do to improve my odds?

Avoiding the Ax

Dear Avoiding the Ax,

The gears that grind giant organizations along are complex and relentless, but I appreciate your desire to avoid getting crushed in them. There are a couple of things you might consider doing.

Take a hard look at your mandate and ask yourself what would make your tiny team indispensable. If no one seems to understand what value you add, you may indeed be in trouble.  Develop your peer relationships, become more familiar with their goals, and look for ways to be useful to them. I once worked with a client who asked his CEO how he would know he was successful in his job, and the reply was that he could measure his success by how often his phone rang. Raise your own visibility among the groups you serve. Find ways to contribute that you might not have thought of before. Write something for the company blog if that is feasible. Also—and I mean this literally—if you work from home more than you work at the office (as is often the case in tech) you might consider switching up your routine and showing your face more.

You don’t mention your boss, so I do wonder what help might be there. You must have one. Talk to that person. Discuss your concerns and ask what they may be able to share with you about what is going on. Be prepared to make clear that you care about the organization and you would like to stay and continue to make a contribution.

Check out job postings in other departments. Giant companies tend to have a lot of opportunities for lateral moves. If the conversation with your manager does not increase your confidence, spiff up your resume and start looking for other options. It will make you feel better to be proactive than to sit and wait for the ax to drop. It wouldn’t hurt to start looking for opportunities outside the company as well, possibly for one where you can manage more people.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

It doesn’t have to be an adversarial relationship, says Craig Spitz, CFO at The Ken Blanchard Companies.

“As gatekeeper of the financials, the CFO asks the questions. The learning and development professionals provide the models and numbers that make the case for a training expenditure. It’s about connecting the dots. CFOs love to have that kind of help during the budgeting process—it makes their job much easier.”

Connecting the dots is especially important for discretionary budget items such as training, says Spitz.

“Budget-wise, a lot of expenses are pretty standard from year to year. But purely discretionary items such as travel and training are the ones CFOs need to look at more closely. For these items, we use a zero-based budgeting approach.”

That means identifying not only what the money will be used for, but also some of the reasoning and rationale behind the request.

“If we can quantify some ROI and demonstrated impact through lowered expenses or increased revenue, we can examine the request further. The bottom line is, if you’re going to spend these dollars for training, you need to show a positive financial result.

“The only time this wouldn’t apply is when we have a directive from the top that says we are going to target a specific culture problem or engagement score. That’s a mandate where the board or CEO says, ‘We need training in this budget to address those issues.’  In that case, we are dealing with an untouchable budget item and will have to find cost savings elsewhere. But most of the time, discretionary spending like training needs to be connected to financial impact.”

Learning and development professionals can increase the odds of CFO approval if they identify the expected bottom-line impact ahead of time. And having the VP of human resources on board with the proposal is key.

“That’s your first person to convince,” says Spitz.  “Training initiatives will funnel up to budget discussions through the VP of HR. As CFO, one of my first questions is going to be to ask the VP of HR what they think. If that person is not on board, the training initiative is going to be a nonstarter.

“Ultimately, everybody is held responsible for delivering the identified operating profit. If the CEO believes an important expense or revenue item will be positively impacted by a training initiative, then that initiative will be part of the plan.”

It’s about connecting the dots, says Spitz. Anytime learning and development professionals come prepared with models, numbers, and rationale that help to make the case for training, they make the CFO’s job easier.

Would you like to learn more about successfully communicating to your CFO?  Then join us for a free webinar!

Making the Business Case for Training: Talking to the CFO

October 27, 2017, 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

One of the biggest challenges learning and development professionals face is making the business case for a proposed training initiative. It’s easy for a CFO to cut or delay funding when they don’t have a clear sense of the positive business impact a proposed initiative will provide.

In this webinar, leadership, learning, and talent development professionals will have a chance to ask questions and get coaching on how to build a sound financial rationale to go along with a proposed training agenda.

Craig Spitz, CFO at The Ken Blanchard Companies, will share some of the elements he looks for and some of the common pitfalls HR and OD professionals encounter when proposing new projects.

Participants will learn:

• How to enlist senior executives as champions
• How to calculate return on investment
• How to present information
• What to focus on—and what not to focus on

Participants will also have an opportunity to ask Craig questions and get the valuable perspective of a seasoned and successful CFO.

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn, together with peers, how to tackle the budgeting and approval process—and give your next training initiative its best opportunity for approval!

Register today!

“Some people in organizations don’t realize that the quality of their work experience depends on their being a good follower,” says Fowler. “They don’t know how to manage up—to help their leaders give them what they need to get their work done.

“As a result, leaders are left to guess what their people need, and they often don’t guess correctly.  Direct reports must accept responsibility for knowing and communicating to their manager what they need to succeed.”

In a recent video interview, Fowler explains that organizations need to develop more self leaders—people who take responsibility for working together with their managers to set clear goals, diagnose development level, and get the day-to-day coaching they need to succeed.

“Our Situational Leadership® II program helps leaders understand that they need to be flexible and match their leadership style to the development needs of their direct reports.  In our Self Leadership program, we teach individual contributors the mindset and skillset to communicate what they need.  When direct reports can meet their leader halfway, the potential for achieving goals and peak performance improve exponentially.”

Fowler admits that seeing leadership as a partnership is going to require a mind shift in organizations—especially organizations that still see the primary responsibility for the performance management equation as being the manager’s sole responsibility.

“The focus on the manager as the seat of power is a relic of the old command-and-control approach to leadership,” Fowler explains. “When top leaders believe the only people who need training are those in a position of authority, it limits opportunities for creativity, innovation, and optimally motivated employees. Why not train both sides of the equation? Continue to invest in your managers, but leverage your investment by training the other side of the partnership—the direct reports. Don’t ignore half the equation. Make effective leadership everyone’s job.”

Would you like to learn more about leadership as a partnership?  Join Susan Fowler for a free webinar!

Self-Leadership: The Rest of the Story

Online—September 28, 2017

In this webinar, best-selling author Susan Fowler reveals three key strategies for taking advantage of your organization’s greatest secret weapon–individual contributors. Research finds that organizations using Situational Leadership® II as the foundation of their leadership culture generate real results. But, current and compelling research also finds that success is maybe even more dependent on the proactive behavior and self leadership skills of individuals you depend on to execute and achieve organizational goals. The good news is that proactive self leadership is a trainable skill.

Susan Fowler will share how combining Situational Leadership® II training for managers with Self Leadership training for direct reports creates a 1 + 1 = 3 impact. Leadership is best served as a partnership. Managers and direct reports both have a role to play. Don’t suffer the opportunity loss of just training one half of the equation. Discover the power of equipping both managers and direct reports with the mindset and skillset to set goals, diagnose development level, and match leadership style. Learn the rest of the story for improving alignment, communication, and performance.

Register today!

“We have to look at leadership as a two-sided coin,” says Fowler. “Some people in organizations don’t realize that the quality of their work experience depends on their being a good follower. They don’t know how to manage up—to help their leaders give them what they need to get their work done.

“As a result, leaders are left to guess what their people need, and they often don’t guess correctly.  Direct reports must accept responsibility for knowing and communicating to their manager what they need to succeed.”

Fowler believes communication is important in every relationship—and especially those in the workplace.

“The importance of communication in our personal lives can’t be overstated. But we don’t expect our significant others or our friends to always know what we need—we have to communicate it,” says Fowler. “So why do we expect our leaders, who don’t know us nearly as well, to always understand exactly what we need?”

In a work environment where managers have two or more direct reports, each working on different tasks, it can be even more difficult for managers to know the needs of their people.  “It’s unfair to expect a manager with multiple direct reports to figure out what each individual needs, let alone always provide it.”

The key to effective leadership is to see it as a partnership process and to use a common language, says Fowler.

“The good news is that we can teach people how to be good partners in leadership. We can teach individuals to ask for feedback, collaborate on making goals SMART, and go beyond problem spotting to problem solving.

“Our Situational Leadership® II program helps leaders understand that they need to be flexible and match their leadership style to the development needs of their direct reports.  In our Self Leadership program, we teach individual contributors the mindset and skillset to communicate what they need.  When direct reports can meet their leader halfway, the potential for achieving goals and peak performance improve exponentially.”

Having direct reports become more active in the management process can take some getting used to. After all, it can be a little unsettling when people start telling you what they need from you.  But Fowler says that managers whose direct reports have gone through Self Leadership training actually experience a profound sense of relief.

“Imagine,” Fowler says, “if a direct report comes up to a manager and explains, ‘I’m clear on what you want from me, but given that I’ve never done this task before, I need clarity, direction, and an action plan on how to do it.’ Everyone wins when people have the mindset and the skillset to diagnose their situation and ask for what they need. You avoid wasted time and missed expectations.”

Fowler shares three skills from the Self Leadership program that direct reports can use to meet their managers halfway. These skills are parallel with what is taught in Blanchard’s Situational Leadership® II program.

Goal Setting. “Self leaders learn how to clarify a goal that isn’t specific, measurable, or trackable, how to negotiate a goal if it is not attainable or relevant, and how to reframe a goal if it isn’t optimally motivating for them.”

Diagnosing Development Level. “Who better to diagnose an individual’s development level than the individual themselves? Self leaders learn how to diagnose their own competence and commitment on a goal and how to share their development level with their manager.”

Asking for what you need. “This means being able to say ‘Here is my development level and here is the matching leadership style I need from you.’ Self leaders learn how to use the same language and the same model as their managers, which makes one on one conversations more effective.”

“When direct reports become better at self leadership, they enable their managers to be better leaders,” says Fowler. “Research has proven that when the direct report proactively asks for feedback, the feedback is more likely to be received and acted upon in real time.”

Fowler admits that seeing leadership as a partnership requires a shift in perception—especially within organizations that believe managers have primary responsibility for the performance management equation.

“The focus on the manager as the seat of power is a relic of the old command-and-control approach to leadership,” Fowler explains. “When top leaders believe the only people who need training are those in a position of authority, it limits opportunities for creativity, innovation, and optimally motivated employees. Why not train both sides of the equation? Continue to invest in your managers, but leverage your investment by training the other side of the partnership—the direct reports. Don’t ignore half the equation. Make effective leadership everyone’s job.”

Interested in learning more about leadership as a partnership?  Join Fowler for a free webinar!

Self Leadership: The Rest of the Story

Online—September 28, 2017

In this webinar, bestselling author Susan Fowler reveals three key strategies for taking advantage of your organization’s greatest secret weapon—individual contributors. Leadership works best when it is a partnership. Managers and direct reports both have roles to play. Don’t suffer the opportunity loss of just training one-half of the equation. Discover the power of equipping both managers and direct reports with the mindset and skillset to set goals, diagnose development level, and match leadership style.

Register for this free webinar today!

I can’t get what I need. My boss doesn’t understand me. My organization’s systems don’t work. I don’t have the resources I need. My job doesn’t take advantage of my strengths. No one appreciates me. My boss micromanages me. There’s no room for me to grow. They don’t understand how much I could be contributing if only they’d give me a chance.

If you’re human, I imagine you’ve thought or invoked one of these statements. I know I have.

Even though we may be able to justify these types of statements, they often reflect our own assumed constraints: beliefs that allow us to escape personal accountability and fall victim to circumstances or the actions of others. In the new Self Leadership program I co-created with Ken Blanchard and Laurence Hawkins, we teach that self leadership is about having the mindset and skillset to accept responsibility and take initiative.

While it is wonderful to learn how to ask for the direction and support you need to be successful in your role, it’s also important to remember that when something goes wrong, there’s no one else to blame.

The Hard Truths about Self Leadership

• Sometimes you misdiagnose your competence. Not knowing what you don’t know can be dangerous. Enthusiasm and high commitment are blessings, but don’t mistake them for high competence. Self leaders are able to appreciate where they are on the learning curve, diagnose their development level on a goal, and recognize the times and tasks where they need direction. Self leaders also have the wisdom to ask how to do something they’ve never done before.
• You have to ask for feedback. One of the most important habits of a self leader is proactively asking for feedback every day instead of waiting to get it. Recent research suggests people are more likely to listen to feedback when they have asked for it. And neuroscience shows the brain is more ready to integrate feedback when it’s asked for and received at a time that is most relevant to the learner.
• The best person to solve your problems is you. Nobody knows your problems better than you do. With experience, the best person to solve a problem is the person who identifies it. Self leaders go beyond problem spotting to proactive problem solving, which has been shown to reduce workplace stress and result in higher energy at the end of the day.
• You must stop blaming others. Even if your manager is ineffective, dismissive, or a micromanager, you need to build on the positive direction and support you do get from them—and manage up or around to get what you still need to succeed. When you take the lead in regular one-on-one meetings with your boss and ask for what you need, you may discover they simply weren’t aware of those needs.

Who Benefits from Self Leadership?

At an organizational level, recent research shows that the most important key to successful initiatives in organizations is the proactive behavior of individual contributors—self leaders who have the ability to accept responsibility and take the initiative to make change happen.

At an individual level, self leadership helps you liberate yourself from the perceived tyranny of organizational life, which frees you from assumed constraints that can limit the quality of your work experience. Being able to respond effectively to everyday challenges can be personally and professionally rewarding.

The responsibility for your success at work falls to you. The good news is that you have a choice. Is developing the mindset and skillset required to be a self leader worth your effort? Yes! A not-so-hard truth: the benefits of self leadership are as good for you as they are for your organization.

About the Author

Susan Fowler is the co-author of the newly revised Self Leadership and The One Minute Manager with Ken Blanchard and Laurence Hawkins and lead developer of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Self Leadership product line. She is also the author of the bestseller, Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work… and What Does. Susan is a Senior Consulting Partner at The Ken Blanchard Companies and a professor in the Master of Science in Executive Leadership Program at the University of San Diego.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a very large company and have managed a small team for a couple of years.  About a year ago, my department got a new leader, who is my manager’s boss.  This new leader came from another part of the company and apparently is being groomed for the senior leadership team.  Here’s the problem: he’s a first class jerk.  He withholds information, dresses people down in front of their own team, and takes credit for anything good that we all do.  He is just awful.   

I have nothing but respect for my immediate manager, who reports to the jerky boss.  But ever since the new leader arrived, my manager has changed into someone I don’t even know.  He seems paralyzed by indecision and is in a constant state of alarm.   He does not stand up for himself when he is bullied by his boss—which I know because I am often in meetings where this happens. 

This is driving me nuts.  I want to stand up for my boss but have been advised against it for several reasons.  I have also thought about submitting an anonymous report to HR about what I have seen.

I am losing respect for my boss and I am thinking of looking for a new place.  What do you think?

Want to Fight Back

Dear Want to Fight Back,

Well, that was probably good advice—you simply can’t fight other people’s battles for them.  And you probably can’t say anything to your boss about it, either, unless you have become really good friends and you are certain the breach of etiquette would be OK.

You can keep a copy of a great book about boundaries sitting on your desk—Boundaries for Leaders by Henry Cloud—and if your boss sees it and asks about it, you can loan it to him.

You can, and should, report inappropriate behavior to HR; perhaps even keep a journal with dates and times of egregious incidents.  I don’t mean any disrespect to HR, but I doubt they will be much help unless you witness your boss’s boss doing something illegal, like sexual harassment or some other kind of blatant discriminatory behavior.  Since the person in question has made his way up through the ranks without challenge so far, the values of your organization probably don’t address the situation you are witnessing.  Or the values exist, but nobody really cares about them.

Ultimately though, this just isn’t a situation you can fix—so looking for a new place to work probably isn’t a bad idea.  Best case would be that your boss gets a backbone, things change, and you don’t need to go.  In the worst case, your boss continues to let himself be bullied, your whole team is miserable, and you are out of there.

Your boss is lucky to have you because you really seem to have his back.  Maybe he will realize it and seek advice and support.  Most people who have gotten themselves into the kind of negative spiral you describe tend to isolate themselves—which is, of course, the worst response.

Good luck to you. I can only hope this whole situation will help you to stand up for yourself the next time you need to, and to be a better leader as your career progresses.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I’ve witnessed many amazing transformations as individuals altered their mindset related to power, explored their points of power, and proactively created positive change.

This transformation begins by recognizing an important truth about power: not realizing our own points of power may be one of our greatest assumed constraints.

When I talk to people about power at work, they often tell me they don’t really have any power.  That’s because they think about power through a very narrow focus on position power—having the title or authority to make certain decisions such as to hire or fire, to go or no-go, or to establish budgets.

But position power is only one of five types of power we all have at work.  The others are:

Task power—having control over a task or job and doing it well, such as

• A shipping clerk who consistently sends correct products on time
• A front desk greeter or phone receptionist who creates positive first impressions with customers
• A social media administrator who increases awareness of the company

Personal power—having interpersonal and leadership skills, passion, inspiration, or a positive personal vision of the future, such as

• Someone who is a charismatic charmer or socially adept
• A likable or agreeable person who conveys a positive outlook
• An individual who is determined and persistent without being aggressive or self-serving

Relationship power—being connected or friendly with other people who have power, such as

• An individual contributor who has a well-respected mentor
• Someone with an active business network
• A person with long-term and trusting friendships in the workplace

Knowledge power—having relevant experience, expertise, or credentials, such as

• Someone who has experience or is an expert in a field, such as an IT or HR specialist
• An individual with a certification or degree, such as an MBA or project management certification
• Someone who knows the organization’s history, understands its culture, or is politically savvy about how things work

Let me share a story about the way one person without much position power was able to leverage the other types of power.

Pete was a shy, quiet, and rather passive graphic artist who was tied to his computer within the company’s graphics department. After exploring the five potential points of power during a Self Leadership workshop, he acknowledged he had knowledge and task power—he was masterful at using graphics programs and designing materials that his clients loved. He also realized he lacked position, personal, and relationship power.

Pete activated his knowledge power by setting up free lunchtime classes for coworkers who didn’t have access to computer training. He built meaningful relationship power while he practiced communication skills that enhanced his personal power.

The president of the company heard about the classes and asked Pete to personally tutor him. The president learned that Pete was a fitness advocate, and soon Pete was also supervising a light workout after each of their computer sessions.

Instead of focusing on the position power he didn’t have, Pete leveraged the knowledge, task, relationship, and personal power he did have. As a result, his confidence and sense of self-worth grew dramatically. He eventually became the manager of more than 20 people in the graphics department—and an advisor to the new head of IT.

Don’t fret about not having position power. Recognize that you have access to four other points of power—task, personal, relationship, and knowledge power—you can use to achieve your goals. Strategically use the power you have to activate power you don’t have. It’s one of the best ways to do more good for yourself and others.

About the Author

Susan Fowler is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies and the coauthor of Blanchard’s new Self Leadership program.  You can learn more about Susan and The Ken Blanchard Companies at http://www.kenblanchard.com

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve recently been promoted to my first managerial role. Prior to my promotion, I had been an individual contributor here for more than 14 years.

My new role has me climbing a steep learning curve because I am not working in the same group I had been in before. I’m not worried about being able to do the new work; however, it has been very challenging. In addition to learning the job and getting to know my team, I’m in meetings five to six hours each day.

The time I’m spending in meetings is causing me to fall behind in my individual work and in responding to email, not to mention that it leaves me very little time for working with my direct reports or thinking strategically.

To keep up, I’ve been logging in for one to three hours every night after my kids go to bed to answer emails, get work organized, etc. I usually spend time working on the weekend as well. I don’t think this is physically sustainable.

Any advice on reducing meetings? I am sure if there were fewer meetings in the day I could get more real and substantive work completed.

Sleepless in Philadelphia

Dear Sleepless,

Congratulations on your promotion. You probably didn’t realize you were signing up for meeting purgatory. Meetings are the scourge of the modern workplace, there is no doubt.

How did we get here? As organizations have flattened and become more matrixed, most of us are on several different teams and have several dotted line reporting responsibilities. And business has become more complex, which means everyone needs to stay abreast of fast paced change. However, it is the organizations who move from complexity to simplicity who are going to win in the future.

So mastering the meeting thing is a key move to helping your organization be more nimble, which would be extremely valuable.

It doesn’t sound as if you are experiencing a lot of value from these meetings, so it is entirely probable that people included in most of them have simply gotten lulled into the habit of meeting. It really is up to the leader of the meeting to answer the following:

• What is the purpose of this meeting?
• Is the purpose still critical?
• Is this meeting actually achieving the original purpose?
• If no, what needs to change?
• If yes, could the purpose be achieved in less time, or with less frequent meetings?
• Are the right people in this meeting?
• Does the meeting start and end on time?
• Does each meeting have a clear agenda?

If some of these endless meetings are led by you because your predecessor held them, you have the power to change them. Forge ahead! Make change!

Even as the newbie in meetings led by others, you have a few choices:

1. Do nothing and suffer.
2. Accept that this is the way things are done at your organization and figure out how to get all of your other tasks done in less time.

And…my favorite:

3. Educate yourself on how to eliminate as many meetings as possible and how to make the remaining ones more valuable. Designate yourself as the proponent for meeting reform in your business area. Become an expert on good meetings. Build a plan to get buy-in and support from all stakeholders and create a new culture of meetings. I can’t imagine that everyone isn’t as fed up as you are – who isn’t begging for meetings that are interesting, productive, useful, and—dare I say it—fun? You would be doing your organization a huge favor.

There are several excellent resources to help you up your meeting acumen:

Death by Meeting by Patrick Lencioni. He says there are really only four kinds of meetings anyone needs: The Daily Check-In (I have been on fast moving project teams that held “Black Jack” meetings—no more than 21 minutes long!), The Weekly Tactical, The Monthly or Ad Hoc Strategic, and the occasional Off Site Review. Lencioni talks about how to make meetings meaningful and engaging through proper planning and encouraging participation.

Another great resource is The Hamster Revolution for Meetings by Mike Song, Vicki Halsey, and Tim Burress. The authors offer some great tips, including making sure there is an objective and agenda for each and every meeting, and how to deal with common types who derail meetings. This book also addresses the absurdity of many virtual meetings.

There are many wonderful resources out there if you just ask our BFF, Google. You will recognize the good suggestions especially quickly if you know what problems your organization really needs to solve.

You are probably thinking that you can’t possibly add this task to your already overloaded schedule, and you are probably right. So discuss it with your boss—it might spark some energy for change. If you do take it on, take things slow but stick with it and don’t give up. There could be no more worthy cause.

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Looking for some relief? Recent research confirms that a little proactive self leadership results in significantly less strain (and more energy) at the end of your workday.

See for yourself by giving one—or all three—of these strategies a try.

Ask for Feedback

Tomorrow morning, try a bold start to your day. Ask for feedback from your manager, colleagues, or staff members: “Would you be willing to share one piece of feedback, based on your experience or observation, that you think would help me do my job better today?”

Neuroscience provides evidence that asking for feedback sets up a more responsive brain condition. Requesting feedback delivers the information you need when you need it, but also results in less defensiveness—meaning you are more likely to hear what you need to hear and act on it.

So, when you learn something of value, act on it! Put what you’ve learned to use. Asking for feedback and then acting on it will demonstrate the willingness to learn and grow and the courage to be honest. What’s more, others will see it as a valuable example of proactive behavior.

Identify Solutions to Problems

Ask people what is getting in the way of their being more productive and many will half-jokingly point to their manager, an irritating coworker, or an unreasonable client. Instead of bemoaning your manager who “doesn’t get it,” why not be proactive and sell your solution? Follow these four steps:

1. State the problem or issue in one clear sentence, including the implications for you and others if the situation isn’t improved.
2. Generate three solutions with the pros and cons of each solution. One of the solutions should be the one that you believe will solve the problem based on your experience and insight. But as good as your idea may be, you need to generate two more. Three is the magic number.
3. Identify the decision makers and present to them your three solutions and the pros and cons for each—not revealing which one you think is best.
4. After presenting all three solutions, provide your recommendation for the solution you think is best, along with the rationale for why. Then, seek agreement.

This technique has been proven to create either the change you desire or a valuable learning moment. Either way, you experience less stress and more energy.

Be Proactive

Stop waiting to be given authority. Be proactive.

It’s been said authority is 20 percent given and 80 percent taken. If you have a solution to a nagging problem or an idea for improving efficiency on a particular task or project, don’t let yourself get frustrated by the permission process or the hoops you need to jump through to get things done. Instead, take action. Build a business case for giving you the authority to act.

In taking action you will experience a sense of competence and autonomy—two psychological needs required to thrive at work. And those who give you the authority will also benefit by empowering you to do more so that they can focus on other things that need their attention.

Practice a little self leadership each day to reduce your stress and fatigue.  Ask for feedback, identify solutions, and be proactive starting tomorrow morning. You might find yourself able to devote more time to your health, family and friends, and all those dreams you’d pursue if you only had the energy!

About the Author

Susan Fowler is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies and the coauthor of Blanchard’s new Self Leadership program.  You can learn more about Susan and The Ken Blanchard Companies at http://www.kenblanchard.com

“The research shows that the front line people are the ones who are essential to making your initiatives work—whether it’s implementing a change or a customer service program. You have to depend on those self leaders to make it happen.”

In Fowler’s experience, when L&D professionals equip individual contributors with the mindset and skillset of self leadership, they build a healthy and empowered workforce that is productive, innovative, and committed to getting results for their organizations.

In developing the learning design for the new Self Leadership training program from The Ken Blanchard Companies, Fowler begins by addressing mindset—Challenging Assumed Constraints, Activating Points of Power, and Being Proactive. This mindset is a real shift in perspective for most individual contributors who come into a training not understanding the benefits of self leadership.

Fowler explains that without the right mindset, individuals are less likely to embrace, learn, and apply the skills of Setting Goals, Diagnosis, and Matching (getting an appropriate leadership style), which are taught later in the program.

“Our Self Leadership program provides the skills individual contributors need to take the initiative and be responsible for their own success—for example, to proactively clarify goals and seek out the direction and support they need.”

Fowler is excited about the opportunities a renewed interest in self leadership offers to organizations—and she is appreciative of new research that helps make the business case for investing in self leadership training.

“When we first offered our self leadership program back in the early 1990s, we knew it worked from the results our clients were achieving, anecdotal data, and our own impact studies. What didn’t exist back then was outside empirical research that made the case for investing in individual contributor training.

“Over the last 15 years, there’s been a relative explosion of academic research that confirms our experience. Current research validates our approach to self leadership, which includes proactive problem solving, asking for feedback, selling your solutions, and negotiating for authority.

Blanchard’s own research into Employee Work Passion informs other aspects of the program.

“Teaching self leaders to activate their own points of power is important in helping them understand that they shouldn’t depend on someone else’s power to get the job done. In every case, the program teaches participants to challenge assumed constraints and take positive action.

“Performance in organizations is often stalled because employees don’t know how to ask for what they need when they need it. Our Self Leadership program teaches individuals the mindset and skillset to proactively take the reins, achieve their goals, and accelerate their own development.”

PS:  Interested in learning more about the Blanchard approach to creating a culture of self leaders?  Join Fowler for a free webinar on May 31–Creating a Culture of Self Leadership. It’s complimentary, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Her email back to me: You clicked the correct links to respond. I checked the links as well, and I also logged into your profile to look for the comment notification. It appears that he deleted his comment!

She had come to a plausible conclusion that I hadn’t even considered! I am supposed to be a subject matter expert on self leadership, yet I fell prey to an assumed constraint. I held an assumption that I was woefully ignorant when it comes to social media and incapable of solving the problem. I let that belief limit my openness to another possibility—such as, the man deleted his comment.

We fall prey to insidious assumed constraints every day. The way we internalize facts influences our beliefs that shape our intentions, which ultimately leads to our behavior.

Virtually raise your hand if your manager makes more money than you do. Nod your head knowingly if your manager has more position power than you do. Now consider how these facts influence your beliefs about the workplace, shape your intentions, and ultimately determine your behavior—and your relationship with your manager.

• Comparing my manager’s power and income to my own, I may conclude: I don’t have the power or ability to affect change. This belief leads me to watch painfully as changes happen to me without my input or participation.
• I may believe that my manager should know when I need more direction for achieving my goal. This belief causes me to wait for her to provide me with an action plan and the resources I need.
• Even sadder, maybe I believe my boss should know what I need, but is so self-absorbed, she doesn’t even notice. This belief leads me to resent my manager and sabotage the relationship because I don’t trust she has my best interests at heart.

Assumed constraints are beliefs that limit our experience. Self leadership demands the acknowledgement, exploration, and reframing of assumed constraints.

Challenging assumed constraints by flipping them into statements that lead to positive action is an essential mindset of a self leader. For example, what if I took the assumed constraint about power and flipped it? I believe I have the power and ability to affect change. This statement is more likely to lead to productive behavior, such as proactive problem solving or selling my solutions.

The flipped assumed constraint also leads to an exploration of power: What types of power do I have and how can I use my points of power to proactively achieve my goals and make greater contributions to others?

Research provides evidence that self leadership competencies can be learned—and that organizations would be better served by focusing budgets and training employees on self leadership. But learning the skillset also requires cultivating a mindset to challenge assumed constraints, activate your points of power, and be proactive.

Thinking about my assumed constraint for responding to comments on LinkedIn, I take heart that I proactively reached out to a subject matter expert using my relationship power. I feel confident that the next time I find myself frustrated over social media (probably sometime within the next hour or so), I will challenge my assumed constraints by mindfully exploring solutions I wouldn’t have considered before receiving Kristin’s insight. Then, if I really am stymied, I will reach out for direction and support.

Self Leadership is having the mindset and skillset for getting what you need to succeed. For true self leaders, accepting responsibility and taking initiative for the quality of your work and life experience is a continuous pursuit of learning, growing, and achieving. It is the saga that never ends.

About the Author

Susan Fowler is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies and the coauthor of Blanchard’s new Self Leadership program.  You can learn more about Susan and The Ken Blanchard Companies at http://www.kenblanchard.com

In reviewing research for the redesign of Blanchard’s Self Leadership program, Fowler found compelling evidence that suggests the single most essential ingredient in organizational success is the proactive behavior of individual contributors.

Drawing on research from several recent studies (see references below), Fowler points to individual behaviors that lead to broader organizational success.

• Proactively seeking feedback
• Learning how to sell solutions to problems
• Taking charge to effect change
• Getting needs met for direction and support

The bottom line? Organizations benefit from training their workforce in self leadership skills.

As Fowler shares in the video below, “Leadership is a two-sided coin.” Organizations are best served by investing in not only traditional leadership training for managers but also self leadership training for direct reports. When leaders and direct reports have a shared purpose and a common language, the results are that much more powerful.

What’s the Impact of Having Self Leaders?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q18t_ya_OhA

For more information on the impact self leadership can have on overall organizational success, check out Blanchard’s new white paper, Developing Self Leaders–A Competitive Advantage for Organizations, which looks at the correlations between a self leader’s proactive behaviors, optimal motivational outlooks, and the intentions of employee work passion.

You can download a copy of this white paper at the Blanchard website.

References

Goal Orientation and Work Role Performance: Predicting Adaptive and Proactive Work Role Performance through Self-Leadership Strategies. Marques-Quinterio, P. and Curral, L. A., The Journal of Psychology, 2012.

Serving one another: Are shared and self-leadership keys to service sustainability? Manz, C. et. al., Journal of Organizational Behavior, 2015.

Thinking and Acting in Anticipation: A Review of Research on Proactive Behavior. Wu, C. and Parker, S., Advances in Psychological Science, 2013.

Self-leadership in organizational teams: A multilevel analysis of moderators and mediators. Konradt, U., AndreBen, P., & Ellwart, T., European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology, 2008.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an attorney with a state government agency. I run a team consisting of a few other attorneys and paralegals and administrators. I have been here four years and I love the office, my boss, and the work.

About six months ago my boss hired a new person—who is a peer to me—to run another team that does work similar to what my team does. She is a bully. She literally yells at everyone in the office. She storms out of meetings, goes and talks to clients behind my back and tells them all the things she thinks I am doing wrong.

She is wreaking havoc with everyone in the office. I now time my lunch so I don’t run into her in the break room. She is so unpleasant that it is literally taking a toll on my health and I am considering taking another job. But I love it here and was hoping to finish out the last few years of my career here. What do you think?

Bullied

Dear Bullied,

I consulted our talent engagement manager who has just completed his Ph.D. dissertation on workplace bullying. The field is quite new and there is a lot that is still not known or understood about workplace bullying and how to stop it. Workplace bullying, it turns out, is quite different from what happens in school.

The leader in this field is Dr. Gary Namie, whose website is http://www.workplacebullying.org/. This is an excellent resource that will help you to frame your own experience and find potential ideas for what to do.

From reading your letter, though, I can point out that you do have power here. This person is not your boss, and you have a good relationship with your boss. This is good because it means the bully does not have the power to retaliate against you, so you can actually stand up to her. Be ready to set boundaries with her—“Do not contact my clients without my express permission,” “Do not yell at me,”—because you can and you should. You have already given her power by allowing her ridiculous behavior. You can tell her that her behavior is ridiculous and you won’t allow it.

It sounds like you are not the lone target—the bully treats everyone horribly. This is good also, because it means you have not been singled out for ill treatment. Bullies often target one person who is a threat and try to break them down systematically. Possibly this person is not so much a bully as just plain awful, possibly nuts, and eventually HR will figure it out and she will be fired. You can make their job easier by documenting every single interaction in which you feel threatened, whether it happens specifically to you or you observe it happening to someone else. When things come to a head—which they inevitably will because your boss can’t allow it to go on forever—you will have your ducks in a row.

In the meantime, since you have a great relationship with your boss, you might share with him that you are considering taking another job because this person has made things so unpleasant. But also tell him that you love it where you are, you enjoy working with him, and you were hoping to stay. You could actually pull the “It’s her or me” card, which is a rare card to have in your hand. You are probably the kind of nice person who wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing, but that’s what I’m here for. This could be a good wake-up call for him. Often, bosses are at a loss when they realize their new hire is a terrible mistake, and they put their heads in the sand and hope it will go away. This is not going away.

Mostly we don’t get what we deserve; we get what we fight for. Stay strong, Bullied. If you really need to go, then go. But it sounds to me like you can fight and win this one. So put on your armor, get up on your horse, and try.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in a global consumer goods company. I recently went through six months of coaching because my boss told me I was an excellent manager, but I needed to be more of leader.

The coach did a 360° interview process and uncovered some areas that I needed to work on. Together we developed a plan and then implemented it.

I adopted a whole bunch of new behaviors and made some real headway. At the end of the coaching, my coach and I created a list of things that had been accomplished. Then I discussed it with my boss and she seemed pleased.

Now, a few months after the close of the coaching, my boss told me she is disappointed that the coaching did not produce the results she had hoped for. She acknowledged that yes, I get things done (we had our best year ever last year), but I am still not reaching the mark. In addition, I will not get the promotion I feel I really deserve. My boss also said if they don’t see some radical changes in the next few months, they will eliminate my position.

I am absolutely stunned. I really thought I had been on the right track and now the rug has been pulled out from under me. What to do?

Stunned and Hurt

Dear Stunned and Hurt,

Well this stinks and I am so sorry. There are a lot of layers to this and I am sure I will miss a few, but I’ll do my best to be helpful right now.

Let’s start with the idea that your boss needs to see something radical or your job will be eliminated. I read that as your job is going to be eliminated and you should start looking for your next gig this minute. Don’t wait, and don’t try to guess exactly what the correct radical change is that would save your job. Based on the experience you just had, that will almost certainly fail.

Next, addressing the change of heart your boss seems to have had about the results of the coaching. I am afraid this is more common than you’d think and I have a hypothesis as to why that is. Many times we, as coaches at Blanchard, are tasked with coming in to coach one person who needs to upgrade skills and make some changes. We hate this kind of work because the manager/organization often refuses to be crystal clear about exactly which changes are needed or the serious negative consequences if the coaching participant is unable to make the changes.

It sounds like this has been the case for you. Yes, you made some changes, but apparently they weren’t exactly what your boss was looking for. It must have been a kind of “I’ll know the change when I see it” approach, and since she didn’t see what she was looking for, you are out of luck.

As for the changes you did make, it is my experience that organizations are like small towns, and no matter what you do or how you change, people are always going to see you as the way you were, not as who you have become or how you’ve grown. Many people need to leave the environment they are in to make the leap to the next level. It is just how it is.

Finally, what exactly was meant by the word leader? Was this ever made clear to you? Are you expected to become an inspirational, charismatic visionary? It is possible that your boss wants you to get a personality transplant—I can assure you everyone is highly unlikely to succeed at that.

I think you should pack up your excellent management skills and your ability to get things done (not to mention all of your new skills) and go somewhere where they need exactly who you are and what you bring to the table right now.

You can thank your boss for at least one thing: giving you a heads-up, which is a rare gift.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am young game designer living in LA. I know I have talent and drive, and I have had some success. But there just doesn’t seem to be any hope for me because it is so clearly who you know, not what you know, that counts.

I see peers getting opportunities I should be getting but I just don’t have the connections they have.

I know I should be networking but I feel funny about doing it—and I just can’t stand all of the fake sucking up that goes on. What do you think?                 

—Discouraged

Dear Discouraged,

You’re right—it is who you know. Career success will come to you as a result of your talent and work ethic plus your ability to create and nurture a strong network of relationships. That’s just the way it is. People like to work with people they know and like. And if they don’t know and like someone who can do a job, they will ask other people they know and like if they know of anyone who can do the job.

When I was a young actress in New York, I used to lament along with my friends that it was all about who you know. Nothing drove us crazier than the children of stars. Now I see so many successful people who had parents who worked in their industry. It often takes two or more generations to get someone properly positioned. Some professions are just that competitive. However, I’ve also seen the most unlikely success from people who had no connections or support whatsoever. So anything is possible, truly, with talent and hard work—and the willingness to connect to the people who are looking for exactly you.

What I am saying is this: if your success hinges on who you know, you’d better get cracking on getting to know people. Find networking opportunities that involve contests so you get to show your work. Get interested in others: decide who is doing work that is interesting to you and ask them for an informational meeting. Many will blow you off, but you’d be surprised how many people are inspired to help young talent. You have to play the “No Game”—set out at the beginning of each day trying to get as many “No’s” as you can. In many entry level jobs, this is done by cold calling. Is it hard? You bet it is! It depends on the industry, but in the New York theatre world the ratio was approximately 24 “No’s”—auditions, calls to agents and casting directors—for every “Yes.” Create a relationship map of all the people you need to know and create a strategy to move each of them from a stranger to a power fan. For an article telling you how to do this, click here.

Get clear about your goals and make them super specific. Tell them to everyone who will listen—you just never know where your break will come from. Identify the companies you want to work for and ask for an informational interview at all of them. Stay on top of their websites and apply for any job you can get. One young woman at our company interviewed for four different jobs before she got hired. She didn’t land exactly where she wanted, but she is making a splash and I am sure will get there shortly.

You don’t have to be a fake suck up, but you do have to figure out a way to be interested in others and find something to like about every person you meet. And you have to apply all of your analytical thinking and discipline to finding ways to stay in touch with people who interest you—and to keep them interested in you. If this sounds like a full time job, that’s because it is. And everyone has to do it: every person in sales, every person who has a regular job in a regular company, everyone who wants to do well and get promoted at their job. Everyone.

You may have heard that fortune favors the brave. In my experience this is true, but I would add that fortune also favors those who set specific goals and enroll others in helping them to achieve those goals. You can’t do it alone, so start building your army of fans right now.

I’m quite certain this is not what you wanted to hear. Nobody wants to hear that talent and hard work are not enough. But it’s true.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I don’t know what to do about my boss. He’s canceled every meeting we have set up for the past six months. I’ve received absolutely no feedback all year—and then yesterday at my annual performance review (which he had cancelled three times so it was three months late), he gave me only negative feedback.

He didn’t comment on the fact that I am carrying three times more projects than any of my peers and that all of my projects have been on time and under budget.

Also, no comment about how my whole regional team is doing incredibly well.

The negative feedback is all vague hearsay from other people because he actually has no idea what I do or how I do it. I think he hates me. I am feeling like I have to quit because I really can’t stand it anymore. What would you do?

Ready to Quit

Dear Ready to Quit,

Well, I wouldn’t walk out in a snit without another job to go to. But I am so sorry, this sounds really awful.  There is always a chance he might actually hate you and be mounting an elaborate campaign to get rid of you—but to establish this as true, you would need evidence that his behavior is personal rather than simply clueless. If you prove he has a personal vendetta, then I would encourage you to start job hunting. It is really hard to win when your boss hates you.

The more likely scenario is that he, like many bosses, figures you are doing fine and his job is to help you always improve—thus the lack of attention and ham-fisted feedback. Also, because most managers never get any training on how to actually manage until well into their careers, he probably hasn’t the foggiest idea about the importance of regular meetings or how to give feedback in a way that is useful.

There is a good chance your boss has no idea what a terrible state you are in. So before you throw in the towel, at least try to communicate your despair. You must explain to him exactly what you need to stay engaged with your work. Tell him it is critical that you meet and share how discouraged you are. Tell him that the constant cancellations make you feel like a second class citizen, and that you need some positive feedback every once in a while. This would also be the time to negotiate a way to communicate all the great stuff you are doing using email. Does your boss have any way of knowing how well your people are doing? Perhaps a monthly excel spreadsheet that tracks actions and milestone achievements, so that he can at least say “Wow, how great is this!”

Your boss is probably insanely overcommitted and putting all of his attention on his underperformers, figuring that you are fine on your own. You owe it to yourself to send up a flare before you pack up your toys and go home. Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work in HR in a small company and recently had to let someone go. The process is never pleasant—and to make matters a bit more complicated, the terminated employee was a bit of a gossip. 

Now that she is gone, many employees are upset and have been speculating out loud about the reason she was terminated. Those who were involved in the decision are professional enough to not share the details that would make the reason clear—and, of course, as an HR professional I am also unable to do that. 

The objective side of me sees that I cannot be responsible for the perceptions of so many people and that I need to accept the damage that has been done, keep a strong visage, and stand by the company’s decision. However, I am human and I cannot help but feel that the loaded comments and meaningful glares I’m receiving are unjustified and there has to be some solution. I knew coming into the HR field that not everyone would like me, but in a small company I feel this could have a lasting negative impact on my image. 

What do you think? 

Quite Vexed

Dear Quite Vexed,

Being in HR is tough. You know way more about people than you ever wanted to know, and you have to keep it all to yourself. You are constantly fighting a deep psychological need to be included as part of the “in group”—a need that will never be adequately met at work.

I recently read a thread on a LinkedIn HR group about being friends with people at work. The folks in that group definitely seemed to agree that when you are in HR you can’t be true friends with anyone at work, although you can have friendly acquaintances. I have received the same advice being married to an owner of a family run business—but I will confess that I am hopeless at not bonding with people I really like and respect.

Your solutions, I would say, are as follows:

If in fact the employee was fired for cause, then you do have a problem because you really can’t share details.

If it was a position elimination, work with your colleagues to craft a statement explaining the business reason for the change. In the absence of information people make things up, and what they make up is usually way worse than the truth. People might be treating you poorly because they are afraid about their own jobs, so it would help a lot if people knew that their jobs were safe. Providing some kind of brief, reasonable explanation will help.

If this person was fired for being a nasty gossip and there is nothing you can say, you must face the comments and the looks head on. Get the veiled aggression out on the table by saying something like “Please don’t judge me based on assumptions you are making.” The response will almost certainly be denial, but this should stop the behaviors. When you feel as if you are being subtly bullied, calling the bully out is often the best way to make him or her back down.

Finally—and this is the most critical thing—remember that to survive in HR you are going to have to develop a very thick skin—thicker even than you expected. You also must take care of yourself by building and nurturing a very strong network of friendships outside of work so that you can get your needs for inclusion and social connection met.

You can also develop connections with others of your HR tribe online. Check into the LinkedIn group I mentioned: Linked: HR #1 Human Resources Group, or find a group like it.

There are a lot of people out there like you, many in small companies feeling a little lost, lonely and isolated. And there is a lot of support to be had.

Hang in there!

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

This guest post is by Michael Glazer.

If only I had a dollar for every time I heard leaders say they want the people in their organizations to “tell me what I need to know, not what I want to hear.”

Speaking truth to power is easier said than done, but people who can do it well earn respect from their managers and help their own careers in the process.

The same principle applies when leaders want to develop professionally.

Sure, many leaders I work with appreciate having a safe, supportive, and nonjudgmental environment to experiment with new ideas and explore aspects of their own leadership styles. But the same leaders tell me that what they want most is constructive challenge from the people around them, whether it’s on the job or in a formal learning setting. The reason, they tell me, is that constructive challenge pushes their thinking and their emotions in a way that drives positive action and growth.

And the more senior the leader, the more this seems to be the case. I see this often here in Asia, where cultures can be more hierarchical and relationship-focused than in the relatively egalitarian and task-focused cultures of many Western countries (leaders tend to receive less upward feedback in hierarchical cultures).

So, what does it mean to give someone constructive challenge? I ask this question regularly in conversations and leadership workshops I facilitate. And over time I compiled a list of common requests I hear leaders make. Here are a few of them:

• Ask pinpointed questions
• Prompt me to consider new options
• Ask for the facts behind my statements (don’t take my word for everything)
• Give me a point of view different from my own
• Ask me to consider others’ points of view
• Give me quick responses to keep me alert
• Help me visualize and consider the future
• Tell me if I am speaking too much
• Point out possible assumptions and biases
• Give me candid feedback about how I come across to you

Similar to the advice given in the HBR article “Connect, Then Lead,” my experience is that first offering warm support and then showing strength through constructive challenge works best. I’ve seen firsthand how doing this earns respect, strengthens relationships, and propels people to take action to develop themselves.

Now I’ll ask you. What have others done to constructively challenge you? And how did the experience impact you or your relationship with the person who gave it? I look forward to hearing your stories and experiences.

About the Author

Michael Glazer is a senior consultant with People Focus Consulting, a Blanchard Global Partner based in Tokyo, Japan.  Michael specializes in talent development, leadership development, and change management.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a VP of supply chain in a vast multi-billion dollar global consumer products company.

Our CEO is really smart—a true visionary—and I have a great relationship with him. We always have good conversations when we are together. He works out of the European headquarters while my division is in the US, so my colleagues and I don’t see him much.

Here is the problem: the CEO is wildly erratic.

As a leadership team we make decisions about our big strategic plans, with full budgets and timelines for execution, and everything is signed off on by the CEO.

Then, disaster.

He comes for a visit and starts challenging our timelines and everybody freaks out. We pull together emergency meetings to revise everything, which forces our manufacturers to rush and escalates costs. My poor employees are driven to the brink working extra long hours. Marketing has to go into hyper drive where everyone starts running around like Chicken Little when the sky is falling.

Not a single one of my peers is willing to stand with me on pushing back against the CEO, essentially saying, “We made the plans, you signed off on them, and we were going along just fine until you came crashing in here and blew everything up. What’s up with that?”

They all basically get behind the CEO, repeating his rationale for the changes as if it actually makes sense, which it never really does. This has happened a couple of times and it is making me feel crazy. It all seems to be needless drama and waste to me and I can’t tolerate it. I love the organization and was planning to work hard for a promotion to EVP but I am seriously rethinking that now.

How can I affect change in this situation without risking my job? Or should I just keep going along with it?

Made Crazy

Dear Made Crazy,

I once coached a CEO who behaved this way. Sometimes he did it because of changes in the market that he could feel but couldn’t really explain. Other times he did it because he thought a division was getting complacent and needed to have a fire lit under them. Once he proposed something completely irrational to see who would push back on him, just to find out how many yes men he really had. (It turned out he had a lot, and it was an important data point for him.) I find it hard to believe that a CEO whom you experience as an intelligent visionary, who is doing a good job growing such a huge complex organization, is actually erratic. I suspect he has a plan and is doing what he is doing on purpose.

It sounds like the cycle of crazy is causing you extreme stress, and you and I both know that kind of stress isn’t good for your health. Putting up with things you can’t tolerate is an enormous energy drain. So I don’t think just going along with it is a viable solution for you. But you don’t want to put your job in jeopardy, either—you just can’t go calling out the head person in front of others. Here’s a thought: what if you were to arrange a private chat with the CEO and ask him about it? It appears you have enough of a relationship with him that you could do this. Ask politely—simply explain what you observe, without blame or judgment, and ask him to help you understand his angle on it.

He may not be aware of the havoc he is wreaking, in which case it would be good for him to know. Or maybe he does know and doesn’t care. Or maybe he is entertaining himself, or punishing your whole team for not having the guts to push back. You will no doubt get some insight into his thought process and he might even appreciate your asking. Whatever you find out will help you anticipate future bouts of crazy and even plan for it so you aren’t constantly caught off guard.

Perhaps the conversation won’t go well or you won’t like what you hear—for example, that your CEO is a sociopath who enjoys seeing people suffer. Or perhaps you’ll learn something new and interesting about your CEO’s leadership style. In any case, you will probably get the information you need to make a decision about your future.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Sometimes when things don’t go my way, I need a reality check—and I ask myself a few simple questions.

What do I want from my job?

Six years ago I took a Situational Self Leadership course. One of the questions was What do you want from your job?  My top 3 answers were interesting work; promotion and growth within the organization; and good working conditions. Ask yourself the same question.

Everyone in my group had different answers—and supervisors did, too. Your manager is not a mind reader. Tell them what you want from your job. If they can’t or won’t help you achieve what you need, think about who else can help.

Do I have assumed constraints?

When circus elephants are babies, they aren’t strong enough to break free from the chain around their ankle that connects them to a stake in the ground. By the time they reach adulthood and could easily break the chain, they have given up trying. Why? Because they assume they can’t, based on past events. Has this happened to you? Have you stopped trying because something didn’t go your way in the past? Don’t let assumed constraints hold you back.

Am I still leading my one to one meetings?

One to ones should be led by the direct report, not the manager. Are you going to your one to ones with agenda items you want to discuss, or are you being told what to discuss? Step into your one to ones prepared with answers, solutions, and recommendations. Lead the conversation and become empowered and autonomous.

When we get knocked back in life, it is really easy to resign ourselves and just do the day to day. I find that the above questions really help empower me to strive for more.

What do you do that makes you a self leader?

I manage a small team at a software company. It’s go-go-go, constant crazy all the time, but that’s okay—it’s what I signed up for. I like the work and the atmosphere.

My problem may sound odd to you: my boss wants to be my friend. She is always asking me to lunch and saying things like “We have the same taste, we should totally go shopping together.”

I like her—she is a good boss, she works hard, and I respect her. I am happy being friendly with her, but it just doesn’t seem like a good idea for us to be buddy-buddy. I like all of my team members but keep things very professional with them as well. 

I asked my dad about this and he said I should play along— that it’s always good to be friends with the boss—but it just doesn’t feel right to me. What do you think?

Too Close for Comfort

Dear Too Close,

Not so odd, actually. A lot of people find the dynamics of workplace relationships confusing. And things only get more complicated when we spend more time at work than anywhere else!

I think you are right and your dad is wrong. There is clearly something that feels off for you about this situation, or you wouldn’t be giving it a second thought. If you have an intuitive sense here, I urge you not to ignore it. It is very tricky to be BFFs with the person who has control over your salary, your work assignments, and your professional destiny. I am a big fan of boundaries—keeping things friendly without crossing the line to true intimate friendship.

The question is this: how do you draw a boundary without hurting her feelings or seeming snotty? It sounds as if your boss throws out ideas but doesn’t extend any real invitations that force you to turn them down. So when she throws out ideas like shopping, you can laugh and smile and change the subject. Lunch is trickier; but as long as you pay for your own, you should be okay. If there ever was a good time to start bringing your lunch to work, this would be it. And you’ll save time and money as a bonus!

Even if something isn’t off and your boss just really likes you, it’s best to keep things cordial and professional. Maybe someday if you get promoted to her level and she no longer has any power over you, you can revisit the situation.

Finally, I applaud you for being thoughtful and considerate—and for not seeking to turn this situation to your own advantage.

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I’m a general manager at a big consulting firm. I’m doing well and I’ve been working with a coach for about four months. My biggest issue is although I’m on track, I don’t yet have a win under my belt.

I’m involved in some big deals and my peers would say I’m adding value. My concern is that my boss—and his boss—may not see the direct link between the work I’m doing and how it puts our firm in a position to win more business.

I’m afraid my time might be running out. My coach suggested I sit down with my boss and renegotiate agreements about what I’m doing and timelines to success. I’ve tried to do that, but am not getting any clear specifics from him. Any suggestions?

My Time is Running Out

Dear Time Running Out,

You seem a little paranoid.  Big wins at consulting firms take a long time to build to. I can’t believe your boss wouldn’t be aware of that.  Have you seen other people let go because they didn’t have enough wins? What evidence do you have that makes you feel so on edge? If you don’t have any and are just feeling insecure, I would say you need to stop obsessing about this and focus on the work.

If you do have legitimate reason to worry, though, I have an idea for you.  If your boss isn’t giving you specifics it may be because he hasn’t articulated what a good job looks like—or he just figures he’ll know it when he sees it.

The big consulting firms tend to be driven by metrics, so find a way to communicate what you are doing in terms of a scorecard. Build a report so that you can share with your boss on a regular basis—weekly or biweekly—all the different things you are doing, but in context of the potential deals you are working on.

Anyone with experience appreciates the amount of time and hard work that goes into landing deals. You might organize your report into activity by potential client. You could even build a little gauge that shows how much closer you are to closing business because of your activities.  If your firm used some kind of CRM system, your boss probably would be using that to track your activity.

The best you can do without an actual contract to show for your hard work is to make a consistent case for the value of your activities.  This way, your boss will have a clear view of your progress and you won’t have to worry about him wondering what the heck you are up to all day.

Good luck,

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a newly promoted senior VP of sales for the North American division of a medical devices manufacturer. My boss is a new COO brought in from the outside. He lives in Germany and I live in Colorado, although I am on the road constantly.

I’ve met this guy only once and he shared almost zero information about himself. I went to LinkedIn to find out more, but there’s not much information there, either.

I have no idea what his plans are for sales—all he told me is to keep the numbers up and it’s all good. I don’t have a clue how I am doing in his eyes. I’ve asked for feedback but his response on the last monthly report I sent him was—I am not kidding—one word: “Good.” What should I do? The silence is killing me.

Need Feedback

Dear Need Feedback,

Welcome to senior leadership—the land of no feedback. You’ve heard it’s lonely at the top? This is why. The only feedback you may get is how your people are doing vis-a-vis goals. Everything else you’ll have to provide for yourself.

Just like you, your new boss has a big new job and he’s trying to figure out how to win. You’re keeping your numbers where they need to be, so right now you’re the least of his worries. I would say the fact that you got a response at all is positive—and the response itself is probably high praise coming from someone who plays his cards that close to the vest. You are a warm, extroverted communicator; he is a private, introverted, analytical type. Don’t take his style personally.

What exactly are you worried about? Did your old boss give you a lot of feedback? If you need to know how well you are doing, check in with your people. Ask them what you could do more of or less of. Ask them what they think you should start doing or stop doing. Ask them if there is anything they think you should know. Ask them what you could do to help them be more successful.

If you need more affirmation, develop a relationship with your counterparts in other regions. Build your network of peers so that you have a sense of how you are doing in relation to them. It’s not that I am big fan of comparison per se, but this will give you at least a bit of a reality check.

Finally, do anything you can to spend more time with your new boss. Include him in your travels. Show up at any and all leadership team meetings. Keep communicating with him, and keep up the good work. And relax. When he has feedback for you, you’ll hear it.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager in a global company and have been here fourteen years. About two years ago, I spoke with my boss about being promoted to director level. She told me neither she nor her boss thought I was ready for promotion because I had some areas that needed improvement.   They arranged for me to do a 360° feedback online survey and the results came back with some good stuff for me to work on.  They even gave me a coach to help me put my plan together and get started.

I have become a much better listener and have also learned to self regulate more effectively under stress.  My direct reports tell me they can see the changes I have made, and they have said good things about me to my boss. 

One of my peers, though, let’s call her Marina, told my boss some bad things about me. I have no idea where she got the stuff she reported.  It seemed like she was making up stories to make me look bad.

My boss took it all with a grain of salt, so it wouldn’t matter that much—except that there recently has been some organizational shuffling, Marina has been promoted, and I will now be reporting to her. 

I just don’t know how I can work for someone who badmouthed me like she did.  I brought it up to her and she said she only had my best interests at heart, but I don’t trust her.  Is my only option to leave?

What to do?

Dear What to Do,

What a rotten situation this is.  It doesn’t sound like you were expecting Marina to end up as your boss.  I have seen a lot of this lately—the people you least expect all of sudden having so much power in your life.

You actually have two options here. You can stick it out and see if Marina shapes up her act and really does have your best interests at heart.  She very well might—who knows what the heck she was thinking when she was telling your boss bad things about you?  Maybe now that she got what she wanted (a promotion), she will be a better boss than she was a peer.  It could happen.  If you go with this option, I suggest that you give it a time limit, pay careful attention to how she treats you, and then make a decision once you have a couple of data points.

Your second option is to start looking now for your next gig.  We are living in the era of tours of duty in different organizations. The days of sticking in one place and hacking your way to top are gone. You complied with the organization by doing the 360° feedback and you have made some substantial changes.  Two years have gone by and a peer was promoted over you.  It doesn’t sound as if your boss even discussed it with you.  So it appears that a promotion is not in the cards for you in the near future.

It has been my experience that it is hard for people to register changes in others. People tend to see you the way they have always seen you, no matter how much you improve.  So you might be better served by leaving your current spot and trying to create a great, fresh impression elsewhere.

It never hurts to start looking—you never know what wonderful possibilities are waiting for you out there!

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

How can one learn when his boss isn’t knowledgeable? I belong to a human resources team and have been facing situations where my boss either doesn’t give the right answers or doesn’t give an answer at all.

Since I like to keep trust within the team, I tend to avoid sending e-mails to my boss if there is no major problem. That leaves me with the option of calling him. However, he doesn’t give me straight answers and often changes the topic when I ask him something.

If he does provide an answer and later things go wrong, he denies having provided the answer. This can get critical and embarrassing when dealing with colleagues across departments.

I have only five years of work experience and want to learn more. I have been looking for a mentor who can not only enhance my technical knowledge, but also help me grow as a person. But with this bad boss, I am constantly disappointed as I am very passionate about my field and my boss is the opposite.

Regards,

Eager to Learn

Dear Eager,

You are not alone. As I was reviewing all of my letters from 2015, the number one issue people write to me about is an endless variation of “my boss is an imbecile.” In fact, if you Google my boss is an idiot, you get all kinds of good advice.

The New York Times published the results of a study conducted by their research and analytics department. For the question Do you think you are smarter than your boss?, 5 percent of respondents checked the box in everything, 14 percent checked in most things, and a whopping 56 percent checked in some things.

At this point, I need to mention that I always advise leaders to hire people who are smarter than themselves if they want to have a smart learning organization!

Actually, your situation sounds like three separate problems, all of which have slightly different potential solutions.

Problem #1: Your boss is actually misinformed and gives you incorrect answers that cause real problems for the people you support.

Your solution here is to stop depending on your boss for answers and discover your own resources to get the correct answers to questions you need. The Society for Human Resource Management has an amazing website designed to provide answers and resources. You might consider asking your company to pay for you to get an HR certificate so that you can build your knowledge base.

Another great site is HR Bartender. Sharlyn Lauby is a former HR consultant and devotes her site to helping HR folks like you get it right. Send her your questions. If she doesn’t know the answer she will track down someone who does. Legions of people in the workplace cannot count on their bosses for accurate and useful answers—and the ones who are successful cultivate other sources for development. This problem can be solved.

Problem #2: Your boss lies to cover up his errors.

Again, you are among throngs of people who have bosses who have a weak character and lack integrity. Everyone has a character flaw or two. The very lucky have bosses whose flaws don’t actually get in the way of the job. But your boss’s flaws will only continue to cause problems for you. This problem is not solvable. So—what to do?

You have a couple of choices. You can decide to stay where you are and work around your boss until he gets either promoted or discovered for who he really is. Or you could start looking for someone else to work for, either in your current company or somewhere else. You have five years in the workplace—that’s enough experience to decide what is most important to you. You need to figure out if you want to spend any more valuable time working for someone you don’t respect.

Problem #3: Your boss doesn’t care about the company, the field of human resources, or, apparently, you.

It is a manager’s job to help his employees be successful, and this is clearly not the case here. Your choice remains as outlined above.

We can learn a lot from terrible bosses—probably even more than from good ones. In fact, I find that young workers are often so busy looking for what’s wrong with their boss that they fail to notice what’s right. Take note of all the ways in which your boss is awful and make sure you never behave this way when you have employees.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

#5.  My Boss Is a Jerk

Dear Madeleine, My boss is a total jerk. I don’t know how else to say it. He obviously doesn’t like me or respect me. The problem is, I really love my job. I am good at it and have great relationships with my direct reports…

#4.  Help! I Inherited My Team 

Dear Madeleine, I am at my wits’ end. I worked hard in college and graduate school and have what some people might call a “Type A” personality. I take on a lot, I work really hard and I complete my work by the agreed-upon deadline…

#3.  I Don’t Think I Really Want to Be a Manager

Dear Madeleine, I think I have made a big mistake. I have been a manager for about five years. At first I enjoyed the challenge, and I have worked hard to become a really good manager. I get good reviews from my people and excellent performance reviews from my boss…

#2. What Do I Do With A Good Employee Whose Performance Is Deteriorating?

Dear Madeleine, I have an excellent employee who has been working for me for over three years. She has always had a good attitude and she meets her deadlines, turns out reliable work product, and gets along with others—truly a model employee…

#1. What if My Boss REALLY IS Trying to Get Rid of Me?

Dear Readers, I got so much mail about my last post, I Think My Boss is Trying to Get Rid of Me, that I want to address the essence of the comments, which is: What if it’s actually true?

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

Help. I am confused. I have a great job and I really like my boss. We have been working together for years—in fact, I followed him to our current company.

The trouble is that he tends to always give me, and everyone else who reports to him, really nice presents at the holidays. For example, one year he gave all the women Kate Spade handbags. Last year, he gave each of us a half case of really good wine. I am always caught a little by surprise.

It is really nice, but I do not have the budget to reciprocate. Other people on the team don’t seem upset by it; in fact some say mean things about how pretentious they think it is. They think he is lording over us how much more money he makes than we do. The holidays are coming up and I am getting anxious already about what to do.

Dear Anxious,

I totally get how the disparity between your boss and yourself can throw you for a loop. So let’s break this down and see if we can’t raise your comfort level with this situation. The first thing I wonder is whether you feel you need to say something to your boss about how snarky your peers are about the gifts. And to that I would say, emphatically: no. Just let that one rest, because as we have discussed in this column recently, no good deed goes unpunished.

Now—how can your reciprocate without blowing your holiday budget before you’ve even gotten to your personal list? Clearly your boss doesn’t expect you to come through in the same price range, so the only way to really compete is to make your gift totally personal. For example, you could bake cookies. Even if you aren’t a cook, you can make chocolate truffles; I used to do that long ago and it requires only the ability to read and follow simple directions. You could also give him a homemade Christmas card telling him three things that make him a great boss. He must have a lot going for him if you followed him from another job! If both of you are readers, you could get him a copy of the book that was your favorite read this year. Even just a framed photo of his team would be fun, and not very expensive. Nobody prints and frames photos anymore! My point is that you can’t let the monetary value throw you. Focus on how much you care about your boss and what is important to him, and a good idea will come to you.

Finally, I would say enjoy the largess while it lasts! And of course, Happy Holidays.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a very high profile not for profit. It is my first job and although I have been promoted twice in two years, I am still very young.  I mention this because although I have a couple of direct reports now, and have a lot of responsibility, my boss still doesn’t see me as credible in some ways. 

Here is the situation. About nine months ago my boss hired a marketing consultant—let’s call her Annette.  She is supposed to be an expert on millennials and marketing using social media.  She is constantly setting up meetings to brainstorm, but never actually does anything as far as I can tell.  She was recently given a quarter time of one of my direct reports who is being driven crazy because she has no idea what she is supposed to be doing and keeps coming to me for direction. 

Marketing is not my area and I have no idea what to tell her.  But her precious time, which I could actually use to do something tangible, is being wasted. My boss waxes on about how innovative Annette is and what great work is being done, but nothing is actually happening.  I try to point this out but am immediately shut down.  We are a small, strapped organization and it is killing me to see our resources go down the drain this way.  How can help my boss see that this consultant is full of hot air and a total waste of our precious time and money?  I feel like the little kid in the story about The Emperor’s New Clothes!

Dear Little Kid,

It is so frustrating when you can see things no one else can see.   And this case is a classic! I have worked with many consultants who are full of good ideas but fall short when it comes to execution.

My initial instinct here is to warn you away from trying to point out to the powers that be that the emperor actually has no clothes.  It sounds like your boss has a vested interest in Annette. Maybe they are friends and you have no way of knowing.  But experience tells me that in a situation like this, the person with the least amount of power will lose.  So reign in your need to be right and focus on helping your direct report.

Since you are technically the manager of the direct report, request a meeting with Annette to clarify the goals, metrics, and time frames for tasks.  If Annette refuses to meet, or refuses to set clear goals, document it and move on.  When your direct report complains that she has no idea what she is supposed to do, send her back to Annette or tell her to just stay focused on tasks that are clear to her.

It isn’t your fault if Annette doesn’t get results from the time she has been allotted.  Just keep your head down and wait for other people to notice what is obvious to you.  It will probably take longer than you want, but I can pretty much guarantee that it will happen—eventually.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a great team at a large construction engineering firm. I feel that my boss is being taken advantage of by a couple of my peers who report to him. My boss travels a lot, so he is never here to see what really goes on, but I see people coming in late, leaving early, and claiming that their plate is full and they can’t take on more work when I know they are on their computers trolling shopping sites for deals. Meanwhile, I keep taking on more and more.

My team is, and I am, really at capacity in terms of workload and I am getting resentful.  Should I rat people out? I really don’t want to, but this situation is getting out of hand. 

– Don’t Want to be a Rat

Dear Don’t Want to be a Rat,

I totally understand your frustration – I do – it stinks to be working like a dog while others are goofing around.  But the answer is not to rat out your slacking peers.  I can pretty much guarantee that it will not get you the result you want.  One question I would ask is this: what metrics does your boss use to measure performance? Is your team crushing the numbers vis a vis the other teams? For a lot of managers these days, hours and work styles are less important than actual performance. Teams are measured by the outcomes they reach more than by lesser variables such as time spent, attendance and the degree to which they shop online at work. In fact, studies have shown that when employees are allowed shop online, they tend to work harder—often coming in earlier and staying later because they don’t have to use off-work time to shop.

Ratting is really only to be used as a last resort in the case of ethical violations or serious matters that could risk people’s safety or cause great harm to the firm.  Why?  Because you might be seen as petty minded, judgmental, or interfering by your boss, who—to make things worse—might not like being told how to do his job. You might even end up ratting on someone who could get promoted and be your boss in the future. Ratting could earn you a reputation that follows you for your entire career.  The ultimate truth is that nobody likes a rat, and the cost of ratting is often high. So if you are going to risk it, only do it in dire circumstances.

But.  You have to do something because, as it is said, holding on to resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.  So. Here is what you can do: take care of yourself, your people, and your corner of the yard.  Set proper boundaries and don’t take on more work than is fair. Put your attention on your people and support them to do impeccable work so your team rises above the average performance of others.

Channel your anger into doing an amazing job and do anything you can to let go of your anger—because ultimately, it hurts only you.  Good luck.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I sure could use some help. I have worked for a company for 12 years. Here is the story. All I hear from my boss are the same words: “Oh you are such a good worker, we always can depend on you to produce, you always make me look good to the higher ups.” Even my boss’s boss says the same thing. How do I ask my boss nicely, “Why am I not being advanced to a higher position?”—and get her to act on it?     —Ready for a Promotion!

Dear Ready,

How wonderful that your boss and the “higher ups” recognize how competent, hard working, and dependable you are. You are clearly an employer’s dream!

As you begin your quest for a promotion, here are a few things to think about:

Be clear about what you want. What do you really want? What would it really mean to be in a “higher position”? Do you really want to do a different job? Do you want to manage other people, like your boss does? Or do you just want more money and a better office? Perhaps if there are no real advancement opportunities you could ask for more paid time off or more flexibility in your working hours. Or perhaps you want the company to pay for more training or an advanced degree. The idea of a higher position sounds good, but it will be even better if you define exactly what that means to you.

Ask for what you want. Asking your boss a question that starts with why will only put her on the defensive (this is true in most cultures and languages), because it sounds as if you assume she has an answer. The truth, most likely, is that she has not thought about promoting you at all. Why would she want to change something that is working perfectly (at least for her)? The better strategy is to be very clear about what you want and then ask for it. Nicely.

I notice from your letter that you are female. Generally speaking, it is more difficult for women than for men to ask for what they want—this is well documented and discussed in Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever’s book, Women Don’t Ask. Click this link to see some staggering statistics on this topic. The authors’ research shows that men generally get promotions, perks, extra benefits, and special consideration because they ask for it. Asking can be challenging, but being clear about what you want will contribute to your confidence level. I also recommend that you practice your request a couple of times with someone you trust. Finally, it is a good idea to ask for a little more than you would actually be happy with so there is room for negotiation and everybody ends up happy—a win-win. When I was building my first coaching business, my mentor told me to ask for more than I thought I was worth. It is scary, but I do encourage you to try it.

Consider the landscape. How much room is there at the top? If your office or location is relatively small, there may be, quite simply, nowhere for you to go. If the only way upward would be for you to take your boss’s job, you are going to have a problem. The best way upward might be for you to move to a different office. Are you willing to move to an office in another location?

Groom your replacement. One big reason managers don’t promote individual contributors is because the person is too valuable to lose. It will be up to you to answer the question how will they replace me? If it begins to look as if you might be considered for a promotion, identify someone who could do your job and begin grooming them to take over.

The ancient Roman philosopher Seneca said, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” This is certainly my experience. So keep up the good work—and in the meantime get clear, think it through, prepare, and rehearse. You will know when it is the moment to seize your chance. Good luck!

Love,

Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I run the Americas finance for a large global company. I am very good at my job and people give great feedback about working for me. Their only real complaint – and mine – is that the workload is crushing. We all work absurd hours and when we need to prepare for big board meetings, it’s all-nighters and weekends.

I have lost two managers in the last six months—which, of course, adds greatly to the problem—and haven’t even had time to hire replacements.

I recently went to my boss to talk about hiring requirements and he said, in essence, “We’re doing so well without those folks, why replace them?” I nearly blew my top – but of course that isn’t going to help me. What will?  –Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

I assume your boss is the CFO or some other kind of numbers guy. Tales of woe about how hard you and your people are working are not going to be effective. Speak to a numbers person with numbers—it’s the only language that will be heard. Create a spreadsheet showing how much time all of the tasks need and what it takes for your skeleton crew to deliver. You need to show, in concrete terms, the toll this situation is taking and how hiring one or two folks will add value in the long term. One theme you might bring up is the consequences the department will face if a team member is out with the flu, what effect the holidays will have on work getting done, etc. Take the emotion out of it. Tell the story with facts and numbers, and you are much more likely to get what you need.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am senior manager for my firm with a large team reporting to me. I have been doing what I do for a long time and I am very good at it, as I have been told repeatedly.

A lot of what I do would be in the job description of a vice president, and I believe it’s time for me to get the title and salary to reflect this.

When I bring this up to my boss, who is the COO, he tells me there are obstacles that I must overcome before I am promoted. He says I rub a lot of people the wrong way and do not have the gravitas of a senior leader.

It is true that I don’t always see eye to eye with everyone in the organization, but I’m usually right in the end. I’m getting frustrated. Although I love my company, I’m thinking about looking for a new gig where my talents are recognized and—more importantly—properly compensated. —Undervalued

Dear Undervalued,

I can totally get how frustrated you are. Here’s the thing, though: there is a good chance that the situation you are in now will simply follow you to any new job. You have been given pretty clear feedback. Trying to run away from it won’t change the fact that you rub people the wrong way. If you do manage to get a new gig with the title you crave, you will be who you are now with more power. According to John Eldred, longtime professor of Mastering Organizational Politics and Power at the University of Pennsylvania, this means you will get compliance mainly when people’s goals align with yours. When their goals are different from yours, they will go around you in secret, they will fight you openly, or—worst case—they will sabotage you. At best, you will get compliance. Is that what you want? Probably not. You want your team to be brilliant, creative, innovative, and ultimately greater than the sum of its parts, including you.

So.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you were to listen to the feedback and try to do something about it? Seriously, no one is asking you to get a personality transplant, but you can start experimenting with getting along better with others. Anyone hiring at VP or C level is looking for someone who can bring out the best in others, create unity and cohesion in a group, and get things done with and through others. They are not looking for a leader who is “usually right in the end.” At this level, the fact that you know a lot and have good ideas is a given.

I’m pretty sure this is not what you wanted to hear, and for that I am sorry. But you owe it to your own talent to develop your leadership abilities so you can shine at the next level.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is a total jerk. I don’t know how else to say it. He obviously doesn’t like me or respect me. The problem is, I really love my job. I am good at it and have great relationships with my direct reports.

Nobody likes or respects my boss, who is the owner of the company. He is moody and erratic and often irrational. Yesterday he yelled at me for something completely irrelevant and actually said “go home, I don’t want to see your face anymore.” I was so shocked, I got in my car and cried all the way home.

My poor husband is really sick of me talking about this—he thinks I should just quit. Of course, things aren’t that simple. I am the main breadwinner and a job like this is going to be hard to come by in our small community. I wouldn’t even be able to look for something else without everybody knowing. The stress is killing me. What to do?  —Stressed Out 

Dear Stressed Out,

“My boss is a jerk” is pretty much the number one stressor in the workplace. Sometimes the employee is the actual jerk and the boss is just trying to get things done—but there are a lot of jerks in the world, so often it is the boss. I am sorry. It stinks. What to do? Well, if you really don’t think you can quit, here are some ideas.

Build yourself a really thick skin.

Part of the problem here is that you are taking personally the fact that your boss has a lousy personality. You just can’t. The fact that someone is an awful person has nothing to do with you. It is as disconnected from you as the weather. You don’t take it personally when it hails, do you? No. You wear a good coat and warm boots and you carry an umbrella. So treat your boss and his moods like the weather. Stay out of his way when you can, and when he does act out, observe the behavior and say to yourself “Wow, he is going off the rails again, how interesting.” Tell yourself that it’s not about you. It is about him—and the poor thing has to wake up as himself every morning. But you get to be you, which is way more fun. So put your thick skin coat on, carry your psychic umbrella, and get on with it.

Remember: not everyone has to love you.

For people who are lovable and tenderhearted, it is really a surprise when someone doesn’t like them. Presumably, you have plenty of good friends, friendly acquaintances and coworkers, and a husband who is on your side. Not everyone has to love you or even like you. It’s okay. You have all of the affection and love you need.

Define and practice drawing some boundaries.

If your boss goes too far, you can certainly put a stake in the sand with some pre-rehearsed boundaries. One example might be “Please don’t speak to me that way,” or, if it’s after the fact, “Please don’t speak to me that way again.” You could try “I think you owe me an apology.” Even a well placed “Really? You are going to yell at me for that?” might cause him to back off. If he is true bully, he will back down if confronted.

Use Silence.

When it comes to communication, often the person who speaks the least has the most power. Your instinct might be to talk things out, but if you don’t have a willing participant in building or repairing a relationship, it’s really not worth trying. So, if forced into a conversation with your boss, prepare by being clear about the one or two messages you want to share and share only those.

I understand that not everyone has the luxury of just quitting an excellent job when they have a terrible boss, but I would encourage you to examine your options with care. You never know what opportunities might be waiting for you. But if you decide to stay despite the terrible weather, you must distance yourself emotionally from it—or you will continue to suffer.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I recently coached an ambitious sales person with ten direct reports after he attended a three-day Managing People workshop customized for his employer by The Ken Blanchard Companies.

This leader was very busy, working an average of twelve hours a day. Due to scheduling conflicts, we set his first coaching session three weeks after the workshop took place. Research indicates that you lose 70 percent of what you learn within one week if you don’t use it, so we started the session by clarifying his top two challenges.

The first challenge was that he wanted to contribute more to his company and achieve a higher leadership position. The second was his desire to have his direct reports take over more of the routine problem solving so he could better balance both his managing up and managing down duties.

I asked him, “From what you learned in the workshop, what do you think would help you with your priorities?”

After a little time with him not really answering the question, I gently asked again, “So in your opinion, which of the workshop concepts would help most with your priorities?”

It took a few more seconds of thought, but then the answer came to him: “I feel that I need to strengthen my relationships with both my boss and my direct reports.”

“How do you see this happening?” I asked.

“I think I can achieve it through the one-on-one meetings they talked about in the workshop,” he replied.

From there, he swiftly identified how implementing one-on-one meetings could help him both upstream and downstream:

1. Strengthening relationships through more communication: One-on-ones would allow him to spend more time with his boss learning about corporate projects and identifying opportunities where he could contribute more to the organization. The one-on-ones with his direct reports would help strengthen relationships by allowing a time to discuss their needs in a more scheduled way than through quick hallway consultations.

2. Improving competence all around: He could learn from his boss how to manage big picture items and projects, and his direct reports could gain competence through his increased direction, coaching and support to help them solve problems that arise from day-to-day operations.

3. Increasing delegation: As his direct reports’ competence improved, he could delegate more to them—and thereby open up time for him to be involved in big picture projects. Also, with the one-on-one meetings’ recommended best practice of the manager setting the time and the direct report setting the agenda, direct reports would become more empowered and would take more charge of the items under their responsibility.

4. Clarifying expectations: One-on-one meetings would also provide the occasion for him to clarify his direct reports’ goals as well as to provide feedback on desirable behaviors within the organization. Additionally, these meetings would present a great opportunity for him to catch his people doing things right!

One-on-meetings become time savers with the mentioned relevant benefits for all parties involved when used on a recurring basis. Follow these five tips for getting started:

1. Make one-on-one meetings short: 15 to 30 minutes in length.
2. The leader sets the meeting date and time and the direct report provides the agenda.
3. Meet at least once every two weeks.
4. Focus on what the direct report wants to talk about; i.e., progress reports, obstacles, concerns.
5. Show direct reports that meetings are valued and important by treating them as a priority. If a meeting has to be postponed, reschedule promptly.

It was fascinating how this leader—by identifying the need for one-on-one meetings with his supervisor—also recognized how this could help his direct reports. Need more time in your work life? Make sure one-on-one meetings are a managerial resource in your toolkit.

About the Author

Antonio Estrada, MBA, Certified Professional Coach is a member of Blanchard Coaching Services network of executive and leadership coaches.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I’ve painted myself into a bit of a corner. I’ve never insisted on having the latest equipment, software, or even outside help at work. I’ve pretty much worked with the equipment I was given and made do with the resources I’ve had.

The problem is, everything is old—my laptop was designed for Windows XP, my software is from 2007 -2010, and I’ve gotten so good at doing everything myself that I don’t know how to begin to ask for more resources. What can I do?  –Creaking Along

Dear Creaking,

It sounds like you’ve gotten good at tolerating a less than ideal work environment. Tolerations are small, seemingly inconsequential things that drain your energy. They have a way of accumulating like barnacles on a ship—a few aren’t a problem, but layers and layers over the years take a toll on a vessel’s speed and performance.

One of the most famous examples of a small but exasperating toleration is found in the classic film It’s A Wonderful Life.  Jimmy Stewart—as George Bailey—constantly grabs the newel post at the bottom of the staircase in his house only to have the top come off in his hands.  He is only slightly distracted the first time we see it happen; yet, as things go increasingly awry and the stressors mount, he becomes more and more annoyed.  Ultimately, he dissolves into a completely irrational rage when the top of the post comes off one more time.

We all can recognize ourselves in that progression, can’t we?

Later in the movie when George comes back from his adventure of seeing what the world would have been like without him, the top of the post comes off in his hand once again. This time he kisses it in recognition that his petty problems are nothing compared to all that is good and wonderful about his life.

It isn’t an accident that this is one of the most popular movies of all time. We can all use the reminder—but if you can turn a toleration into something that reminds you how lucky you are, you are a rare being indeed!  The rest of us are going to have to grab the tool kit and hammer down the top of that darn newel post after throwing a little wood glue on there for good measure.

Ready to get started?  Here’s a three-step process that will help.

• The first step in eliminating tolerations is to name them. Think about all of the things you are putting up with at work.  Think of as many as you can.  Write quickly. Aim for twenty-five. Start with your old laptop, outdated software, colleagues who don’t return calls, resources that get allocated to other people.  They are usually things that, on their own, are not large enough to require your immediate attention—but they bug you just the same.
• Next, triage and organize. Review your list and identify what you can change and what you can’t.  Remember that listing what you are putting up with doesn’t make you a whiner—it’s actually the beginning of the process of eliminating what drains you and keeps you from focusing on what is really important.
• Take action. The power of tolerations comes from their buildup and their subsequent removal. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your state of mind is to literally change a light bulb in the hallway, clean out your file drawer, or get the hem fixed on your favorite pants. Dealing with tolerations has a magical way of putting a spring back in your step so you can get back to the business you most need to focus on.

A lot of tolerations don’t cost much to fix, but they do require that you put a little focus, time, and energy into taking care of yourself. There’s a certain pride in being low maintenance—and you have probably even earned a reputation for it—but you are now paying the price. Don’t let old, outdated equipment, poor work habits on the part of your colleagues, or any other toleration keep you from being as productive as you can.   Make your list, start with the biggest tolerations first and continue to chip away at them steadily. Going forward, identify and eliminate tolerations on a regular basis.  In the long run, it’s better for everyone.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I think I have made a big mistake. I have been a manager for about five years. At first I enjoyed the challenge, and I have worked hard to become a really good manager. I get good reviews from my people and excellent performance reviews from my boss.

The problem is, I have realized I really don’t like being a manager. I go from wiping runny noses and managing minor crises at home (I have two young children and a spouse who travels) to talking people off the ledge and putting out brush fires at work.

I really miss the old days of settling in to do focused work that really made an impact. I find myself feeling jealous of my direct reports because they get to do fun work while I am stuck with endless drudgery. It seems as if the only way to make the kind of salary I need is to keep rising in the management ranks, but thinking about that makes me miserable. – Made a Mistake

Dear Made a Mistake

First things first—you haven’t made a mistake. What you have done is explored a pathway and discovered it’s the wrong one for you. The great news is, now you know! At least you’ve figured this out before you feel totally locked in golden handcuffs. So many people work like dogs to climb a ladder only to find that it is up against the wrong wall, and this won’t be happening to you. You have the chance to climb right down that ladder and move it somewhere else before it’s too late. Before you engineer a big change, though, let me suggest a couple of ways where you might not have to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

One possibility is that you simply may be burnt out. You say you enjoyed managing at first, but now you sound fairly well exhausted. Have you taken all of your vacation time? Probably not. The statistics regarding how many vacation days go unused are staggering.

Something else to consider: is it possible that altering your management style a bit could make managing others feel less burdensome? Here are some ideas:

• Learn basic coaching skills so that you can gradually move your people toward solving their own problems instead of running to you every ten minutes.
• Challenge and empower your direct reports to put out the fires they start with little or no input from you.
• Put the responsibility for one-on-one meeting agendas on the other person to allow them to take responsibility for themselves.
• Reserve a couple of plum tasks for yourself so you actually do get to do some of the fun stuff.

If you do a few of these things and find, in fact, that you still don’t like managing people, you will have to give yourself some time to develop and execute a fairly complex plan.

Start by having a conversation about the situation with your manager, who might be willing to suggest ways you can continue to make a substantial contribution to the organization without having to manage others. Perhaps you could score a position that wouldn’t require a big reduction in pay, such as a subject matter expert or technical specialist.

If, though, you learn that you will need to take a serious pay cut to have a job you love, talk with your spouse. Maybe getting by with a smaller salary is more feasible than you think, if you both were to commit to reducing household expenses.

I understand that this large a change could involve some substantial life changes, but the alternative—doing something you dread to support your lifestyle—will take an incalculable toll eventually. The key is to give yourself time to make a change and move toward your goal in small steps. Enlist friends and family members to support you on your journey toward enjoying your days more. It takes a lot of grit to create the life you want—and it will be worth it.

Good luck!

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I’ve been with a small and very successful business for fifteen years and am a senior manager. Every time we want to try something new, I am asked to be in charge of it—even though I already have a full-time job and am running all the other initiatives and programs I’ve successfully started for the company. I keep saying yes because I enjoy the new projects and am good at them.

However, I’m starting to feel that I’m being pushed to my limits and that I’m not able to keep up my standards on my work product, which makes me anxious.

My bosses keep piling on more, which I understand. We are a slow growing company and it’s hard to find the money to pay for more people. I love my job and I have a lot of flexibility, which is super important to me. My spouse tells me to just say no, but I don’t seem to be able to. What do you think?

Can’t Say No

_________________________________

Dear Can’t Say No,

The thing to realize about this situation is that you have allowed it to happen. In doing so, you have trained your bosses to depend on your ability to take it all on and do it all well.

The good news is that you can un-train them—but to do that you will need to understand what has been driving you to take it all on in the first place. What’s the payoff for you? Once you uncover the needs of yours that are being met by always saying yes, you will be able to find a way to get those needs met in a way that doesn’t exact such a high cost on you.

I would guess that you are a high achiever, always have been, and that others sometimes call you a perfectionist. So that might be one need that is driving your behavior. You also may have a need for variety or a need to innovate, and those needs are met when you take on all the new fun things. I recommend you discuss this idea with people who know you well. They will probably have insights for you.

Once you better understand your own needs, here are a couple of other ideas to try on:

• Delegate more. People in senior positions who are high achievers have a hard time letting things go. They fear others will do things differently and perhaps—heaven forbid—not as well. This is part of being a senior leader. It’s time to unload a couple of projects.
• Lower your standards. We all have been inspired by the adage “good is the enemy of the great” because, in some cases, it’s really true. However, in other cases, done is better than perfect and good enough is fine. Take a few moments to look at how you might cut corners in places nobody else really cares about.
• Force a change in habits. Your current habit is to jam as much into a time frame as possible. A new habit would be to build a reserve of time into your schedule.

Alternatively, you can keep going like this until something breaks—like your health or your marriage—and circumstances will fix the situation for you. But wouldn’t you rather be the captain of your own ship, and not at the mercy of your needs and your habits?

Hope to hear how it goes!

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My organization is unable to hire all the people we need to truly get the work done. Our senior leaders keep saying we have to do more with less. I see my people pedaling as fast they can and they really can’t get all of it done. I am concerned we are going to burn them out—and me along with them! Help!

Burning Out

Dear Burning Out,

I regularly get variations on this particular question and there are no easy answers to it. (Actually, that’s not true. The answer is easy enough; implementing the solution is the hard part.)

The crux of the problem is that there are a lot of cost pressures in today’s highly competitive economy. The only sustainable solution is increased employee productivity, which causes executive teams to make the request for people to do more with less.

This can work for short periods, or as a stopgap between the current situation and a big change, but it can’t go on forever. What really needs to change is what is actually being done and how it is being done. So instead of asking people to do more with less, I would challenge your senior leaders to think about going back to the drawing board and coming up with new and different ways to get the same or better result.

Sit down with your boss and carefully review every task being done by your people with an eye toward what is mission critical. Any activity that isn’t absolutely mission critical needs to be deferred or permanently eliminated. Every task that remains on the critical list should then be reviewed for redundancies and possible gains in efficiencies. This is where innovative thinking comes in handy.

Is there anything that can be automated? Can regular meetings be streamlined? Are all the people in every meeting absolutely necessary? Can 1 hour meetings be changed to 40 minute meetings? Or even better, can all meetings be “blackjack” meetings—none longer than 21 minutes?

Once you’ve tackled the low hanging fruit, look at ways you can apply the same process to more complex situations. Often when faced with doing more with less, we end up doing exactly the same things we have always done, just a lot more of them. That’s only one of your options. What are others?

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

I kept hearing negative words from my client about himself and upper management.  My client was at the point of giving up and blaming upper management for not accepting his ideas.  He was definitely in an unproductive state of mind.   He was facing a brick wall due to his lack of confidence.

During our coaching session, a key question I asked was, “What would it take to break through this brick wall toward greatness?”

This question caused my client to pause for a minute and then finally say, “For upper management to accept my ideas.”  This led to my next questions. “What does upper management need to hear from you?  What approach would be most effective in delivering your ideas?”

These questions helped my client begin to expand his thinking and gain clarity on his natural approach versus the approach he needed to be effective.  As he considered other ways to deliver his ideas, he became surer of himself.  He began to plan to research additional information to support his ideas and identify a person who could give him feedback on his presentation.  He also thought about how he needed to portray himself in front of upper management.  My client realized he needed to be more assertive and take the lead—which was not his natural tendency—while still being authentic.  I could hear his self-confidence increasing as he begun to expand his thinking. He was moving toward greatness!

Through the coaching process, my client shifted his thinking, expanded his perspective, and stepped outside of his comfort level.  He was able to overcome his personal brick wall by identifying a plan of small, manageable steps in preparing for the presentation.  He accepted that he could be successful and was determined to do so.

Any Brick Walls Holding You Back?

Do you have barriers or self-made brick walls? Is it improving your self-confidence?  Developing a plan of action?  Shifting your motivational outlook? If you do, here are three strategies that can help you break through.

1. Increase your self-awareness. It is important to know your natural tendencies in order to intentionally alter them.  This puts you in control of your behaviors.  For example, if you have a tendency to let others take the lead in a group discussion, prepare yourself by having the information you need ahead of time to be more vocal during the next group discussion.  Or consider setting a goal for yourself to state your opinion in the first five minutes of the discussion.

2. Eliminate negative self-talk. Recognize no one is perfect, even you.  Change your negative words into positive words.  For example, instead of staying, “I am too shy to influence others,” say, “I can influence others through my tendency to be thorough and focus on the facts.”  Positive words will move you forward.  Continue to build on your strengths and find ways to develop other areas.

3. Take small manageable steps. You can accomplish anything by breaking the task or goal into small actionable steps.  For example, if you need to be confident in a presentation to upper management, the first step may be to speak to others who have done something similar for advice on the most effective approach.  The next step may be to create an outline based on the advice.  As you complete each step, your self-confidence increases as you continue to move forward.

Create a Different Structure

I believe we all have experiences building our own personal brick walls. And, we all have what it takes to knock them down.  The key is taking the time to self-reflect on your current behaviors and identify one small actionable step toward greatness.  It begins with one small step.  Take that step today!

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Working in a matrix organization with multiple bosses can create major challenges:

• Work overload. A common refrain in workplaces around the globe is, “I have too much work to do.” Things can be even worse when you have multiple managers on different projects. Each boss may treat you as if you only work for him or her.

• Competing demands. Having several bosses can mean competing demands on your time. Whose project gets first priority—especially when every boss believes his or her project should be number one?

• Conflicting messages. The more managers you have, the more opportunity there is for conflicting messages. Different bosses have different expectations and methods of communicating, and can unintentionally send conflicting messages.

What can you do to manage these challenges? I suggest these four strategies:

1. Be Clear Who Your “Real” Boss Is

It’s important to know who your real boss is. Which person do you formally report to? Who does your final performance review? Who makes decisions regarding your compensation? Even in a heavily matrixed environment, just one manager is typically responsible for these tasks. Make sure you are having regular one-on-one meetings at least once a month with your real boss. Use this formal leader as a mentor or coach in dealing with your other managers.

2. Be Open About Your Workload

Your bosses don’t know what’s on your plate unless you tell them. Be open about your workload. Share your calendar with all of your managers so they know your schedule. Create a shared document that updates them on each of the projects you’re working on so they see your progress and have a better understanding of your workload. Have quick weekly check-in meetings to stay connected and address any concerns.

3.  Set Clear Boundaries on Your Time

Constant interruptions are a major time waster. It’s difficult to focus on your projects if your bosses keep coming by to ask questions or make additional requests. Encourage them to use email or text for questions and requests. Block off specific time on your calendar to work on projects. Let your managers know this is sacred time and you should not be interrupted unless it is an emergency.

4. Set Clear Standards for Communication

Get your bosses together to develop one set of standards for communication. Do you prefer to get requests through email, text, Outlook tasks, face-to-face, or some other way? What is the expectation for timely response to an email or text—for you and for them? How often will you meet one-on-one? How are you going to report project status? If possible, come up with one way that works for all of your managers so you don’t have to deal with different expectations for communication.

Working in a matrix environment can be fun and invigorating. I enjoy working on multiple projects with multiple managers. It gives me a greater sense of autonomy, provides access to a larger network, and allows me to grow and develop in my career.

Having more than one boss can have its advantages—but it needs coordination. By using these four simple strategies, you can minimize the challenges and reap the benefits of working in this stimulating environment.

About the author

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.

“It is always my choice: to change what I cannot tolerate, or tolerate what I cannot—or will not—change.”                     

“If only…”—you fill in the blank. It is a frequent comment I hear from clients as they are engaged in our Situational Self Leadership workshops:

• If only my manager would take this training (or would apply it) …
• If only my organization supported this …
• If only I had more time …
• If only …

The first time I hear any sort of “if only” remark in a workshop, I stop and introduce the concept of choice. We all have choices, no matter what our circumstances. The challenge is acting on those choices.

For example, imagine you are feeling oppressed by a micro-manager. (Maybe you don’t need to imagine too hard.) What are your options? I believe Self Leaders—people who proactively take responsibility for getting what they need to succeed at work—look at three options that are always available:

1. Influence. What can you do to influence your manager to provide a leadership style that matches your development level on your goals and tasks? First, communicate your status on a regular basis so your manager doesn’t feel the need to micro-manage. If that does not work, have a direct, respectful conversation where you ask for the leadership style you need.

Remember—in the end, managers have the choice to be influenced or not. That leads to our second option.

2. Accept. Acceptance means we give up the right to moan, groan, or complain to others. Acceptance means “I am willing to let this go – for now.” It does not need to be a permanent choice, but for now, you are willing to accept being micromanaged because you love your work, the people you work with, your paycheck, etc.

A warning: Acceptance of a less-than-tolerable work situation is difficult to sustain, especially for a long period of time. At some point you may try to influence again. If that doesn’t work, you may have to resort to the third option.

3. Remove. No, you cannot remove your manager—all you can remove is yourself. This means you make a choice to leave the team or the organization.

Don’t choose to be stuck

When we refuse to choose from these options, we are actually making another choice: to be stuck. Many people don’t recognize that being stuck is a choice we make, not a circumstance we are put in. It means we are unwilling to pay the price to either influence, accept, or remove. What happens when we are stuck? Not only are we miserable, but we bring everyone around us down with us—our team, our friends, our family.

The foundation of Self Leadership is to take responsibility for our lives and our choices. I encourage each of you to get unstuck and choose your response to your circumstances.

About the author:

This is the first in a series of posts by John Hester, a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read John’s posts on the first Monday of every month.