Dear Madeleine,

I am in a quandary. It may sound dumb to you, but I am interested to hear your thoughts.

I am in my mid-twenties and have been blessed with what seems to be almost incredible luck. I am smart enough, and came wired with a lot of stamina, a strong work ethic, a sunny outlook, and an ability to get along with almost anyone.

I am half Puerto Rican, but most people automatically think I am white. I have the advantage of being a minority when it serves me, but haven’t suffered from discrimination other than the kind that comes with being female—and, to tell the truth, even that hasn’t held me back. I grew up with two very decent parents, surrounded by lots of family, and went to an adequate public school where I got a good education. I was able to take advantage of affirmative action to get myself into a top college with solid financial aid and a work study job I liked. I got into an excellent grad school program, also with financial aid.

Now I have a job I love with a boss who cares about me in an organization that I respect. I have groups of friends whom I love and who love me.

What’s the problem, you’re wondering? Well—there isn’t one. I feel like everyone I meet that is my age has problems—childhood trauma, discrimination, mental illness, terrible parents, bullying—the list goes on and on. I feel boring. I wonder what I did to deserve so much luck. I am actually beginning to think it is going to run out at some point, and I’m waiting for that shoe to drop.

Don’t get me wrong, I have worked very hard and have had to overcome some challenges. It hasn’t all been easy. Do you think I’m nuts to worry?

Just Lucky

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Just Lucky,

You’re not nuts. But you need to cut it out, mainly because worrying never helped anyone or anything. Stop worrying before it becomes a habit and you are as anxious and/or depressed as everyone around you. You came into this life with everything you needed to make the best of it, and you have done exactly that. You have indeed been lucky.

What did you do to deserve so much luck? Well, that’s one of the great existential questions, isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to terrible people? How does who deserves what get decided? Entire disciplines are devoted to answering those questions—philosophy, religious studies, all of the arts. I have come close to formulating answers for myself, but I don’t think my answers are what you are looking for. In fact, I don’t think anyone can answer them for you, and I would recommend that you run away from anyone who claims to have the answers. At the risk of offending those who are certain of “The Truth,” I encourage you to be suspicious of anyone who professes to know it.

There might be some value in examining the language in play here. What does it even mean to “have luck”? Or to “be lucky”? Research shows it is definitely good fortune to come into the world with kind and happy parents, but you and I both know that plenty of people do not see the value in that good fortune. And plenty of people who are born into disastrous circumstances find ways to rise above them. One might say lucky people cultivate a particular skill in noticing and then taking advantage of opportunities. And lucky people work hard to be prepared for the moment opportunity presents itself. And lucky people use good judgment about whom they take advice from. I suspect you have done all of the above.

You can also examine what it means to “deserve.” The most common usage expresses that someone has earned or been given something because of something they have done or because they have certain qualities. This usage implies that the world is fair, and we all know that isn’t true. Another usage implies that to deserve good fortune, one should be worthy of it. This requires that we have a good answer for what it means to be worthy. That, of course, depends entirely on who you ask, so that might be an interesting research project.

In the end, you will have to decide what it means to you. What would it mean to be worthy of your good fortune? I have spent most of my adult life defining that for myself, and am happy to share it with you, even as I caution you to simply add it to all the answers you get in your quest and come to your own conclusion.

In my opinion, to be worthy means to put a great deal of thought into how one can be a contribution to the world, to leave every interaction or situation the better for you having been a part of it. It is that simple, and of course, on many days, that difficult.

One person who has interesting and useful things to say about how “lucky” people are a force for good in the world is Jennifer Brown. Her body of work focuses on how those with privilege can advocate for and be allies of people who have less of it. This can be a wonderful way to share one’s good fortune. But let me be clear, this is not to imply obligation. Succumbing to others’ ideas of how you should go about being worthy is a recipe for disaster.

Another source of good sense to tap is the work of Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, Ruiz offers a code of conduct that is hard to argue with:

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Don’t take anything personally.
• Don’t make assumptions.
• Always do your best.

Simple, right? But, given our confounding human nature, not always easy. I have been testing these four practices since the book was published in 1997 and they have never steered me wrong.

Your luck is not going to run out, JL. Lucky doesn’t mean that you get to avoid difficulty and problems. Lucky means that when difficulty and problems crop up, you will face them with your stamina, your work ethic, and your sunny outlook and you will be able enlist help from people who care about you. Will difficult things happen that are outside of your control? Undoubtedly. That is just life. But you will figure out the best way to respond when those things happen, because that’s just who you are, and nothing will change that. Don’t go looking for problems because you feel boring. You aren’t boring. You have entirely too much zest for life to be boring. Plenty of problems will come your way naturally, and when they do, you will be prepared.

You are asking the right questions, JL. Keep asking, keep searching, talk to people you respect and admire, find your own answers, and enjoy the heck out of being you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Intern,

 I’ve appreciated watching the interns in our company work on different projects in different departments. I’m always amazed by how fast the interns work, how well they collaborate as a team, and the high quality of the work they deliver. 

 My question is this: How do we, the current employees, look to them? Do we look slow, with poor teaming skills, for example? I hope not. How would interns compare the culture in their workplace with what they experience at school and in other areas of their life?

 Curious Employee

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Curious Employee,

Let me first say that in my experience as an intern, I ask myself the question “How do they see me?” all the time! I think it’s a fairly universal question across generations in the workplace.

Although I don’t speak on behalf of all of Gen Z—I’m only one person, limited to my own experience—I can confidently say that I don’t perceive other generations as having poor teamwork skills or working at a slow pace. However, I have noticed that each generation in the workplace carries with them a defining skillset. For this reason, I think it’s essential for companies to strive for generational diversity. It’s the key to bringing in talented people with diverse sets of skills and perspectives that build off one another.

As an example, many emerging Gen Z workers are highly skilled in digital writing or creating digital content such as texts, images, videos, social media posts, etc. We are the “tech savvy” generation, aka “digital natives.” So, when a project calls for those skills, we might be able to naturally get the job done more quickly and efficiently than our team members who represent older generations. At the same time, I’d say Gen X and Boomer workers are often naturally gifted at face-to-face communication, which is arguably just as important as being tech savvy in the workplace. In other words, we all need, and can learn from, each other.

Going back to your initial question, it can feel equally tempting to dismiss the contributions of other generations (whether older or younger) as inadequate, irrelevant, or unnecessary in the workplace. I’ve interned for multiple organizations and have had plenty of experiences where I would present what I thought were new and exciting ideas to my former manager, only for my ideas to be shot down and altogether disregarded. And while I could blame the manager’s reaction on their bias against me as a Gen Z worker, I recognize that feeling unheard at work isn’t all that uncommon, unfortunately. And it hurts, regardless of the generation you grew up in.

I tried to reframe the rejection I experienced to make it feel less personal, with the understanding that we each grow up around one specific generation during our formative years of development. We naturally will think “It’s my way or the highway” until we’re prompted to think otherwise. However, considering that you’re asking these important questions, it seems that you’ve already begun to challenge this narrative, so I’d say that puts you ahead of the curve!

All this to say, as a Gen Z intern, here’s my advice in answering this question of “How do they perceive me?” You’re actually already doing it. Ask us! Openly communicate with us and encourage us to do the same with you. You asked about ties between the culture we experience at work compared to what we experience at school. I think it comes down to this: we all want to feel seen and heard by our manager at work in the same way that we feel seen and heard by our instructors in the classroom. Fostering an open channel of communication is the first step.

And that’s it! I’ll be the first to admit that the generational communication gap can be incredibly difficult to traverse at times. It may feel like walking on eggshells at first. For instance, I can have incredible anxiety when talking with a manager or employee of an older generation. I find myself wondering “Did I do something wrong? Am I supposed to say something? Am I being too quiet?” But I truly believe that an established line of communication can make all the difference in quieting these self-doubts and fostering a safe space with Gen Z interns like me. I know this because I’ve experienced it firsthand with my current manager, who validates me when I perform well and supports me when I have room to grow.

Many of us have brilliant ideas, insightful questions, or important feedback that we want to share, but often lack the confidence or sense of belonging to share them. Sometimes all we need is a gentle nudge (or perhaps a kind push) in the right direction, even if it’s simply saying, “Okay intern, what are your thoughts on this?”

I hope this helps! Best of luck!

Cas the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine has enjoyed a well-deserved summer break, “Ask Madeleine” has become “Ask the Intern” where we have presented your questions to several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.

This week’s response is from Cas Podgorski, Podcast Intern at ifyouaskbetty, LLC.

Madeleine will return next week.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of mostly young people, all of whom manage internal communications for a global manufacturing company. A few years ago the company went to an unlimited paid time off policy. I have read a lot about the effects of unlimited PTO, and note that the biggest risk is that people don’t take enough time off, whereas in the past they were required to take their PTO or risk losing it.

My general approach has been that if your work is done to the expected standard, taking PTO is fine. I guess it never occurred to me that anyone would take off more days than what I consider to be reasonable unless they had medical issues or were taking care of a family member. It also never occurred to me that my idea of reasonable is not necessarily what others may interpret as reasonable.

My problem is that I have one person who takes entirely too much time off. And it isn’t to deal with problems—she is off larking about with her friends. (Note: this is not my opinion; she shares openly.)

Her performance is excellent, so I can’t really make the case that she shouldn’t take PTO—except other team members are noticing and judging. She often is not available to discuss work assignments or to help others on the team when they need something from her.

I think she would be eminently promotable if it weren’t for the fact that she never seems to be around. How do I tell her that it just isn’t a good look? Her overuse of PTO is causing me, and others, to question her commitment to the job. Do you think that is fair?

Questioning Judgment

___________________________________________________

Dear Questioning Judgment,

Boy, isn’t this interesting? It highlights what happens when rules are open to interpretation and when we make assumptions.

My first thought is if Larking About can get her work done with plenty of time left over, she could be doing so much more if she buckled down and put some elbow grease into it. But I suspect that would be interpreted as old-school thinking. And we all know that the reward for excellent work is—more work.  This is how we have collectively created the hamster wheel we all perpetually bemoan. So my second thought is wow, Larking About might be on to something. My third thought, based on my experience that you never know what hard thing is coming at you, is that we should all save up as much goodwill as we can regarding PTO for when we really need it.

But seriously, as her manager, it is up to you to help LA understand the impact of her choices on her career, as well as the impression her choices are having on both her reputation and her options when it comes to optimal work assignments and advancement opportunities.

I imagine your employee handbook has some guidelines about how people should use “unlimited” paid time off. For example, my own company requires that all team members submit their time-off requests in advance to their manager for approval, collaborate with their team to ensure proper coverage, and limit their consecutive out-of-office days to no more than 15 at a time. It might be useful to find the handbook and see what is laid out in black and white that might support you when the time comes for a conversation.

Because that is where this is leading. A conversation. The first order of business is to find out what LA’s hopes and dreams are when it comes to her career. She may not think of her work as a career; she may simply think of it as a job. If that is the case, other than making sure she complies with whatever rules do exist, there may not be much you can do. LA may be just fine having a job and doing it well. No harm in that.

However, if LA does want a career, which would mean development projects and advancement, she needs to know how the intangibles—what I think of as “personal public relations”—are going to affect her future.

You can keep personal judgment out of it and simply share that perception is important and taking excessive PTO can create an impression of a lack of commitment to work. When it comes to advancement, it’s a fact that HR and leadership teams tend to favor those employees who exceed expectations over those who simply meet expectations. So if LA has ambitions to advance, she might consider taking on volunteer roles or more work for the team, which would limit her PTO and bring it in line with expectations. This, of course, would require you to define what you believe to be reasonable. I suspect what is reasonable in your mind is roughly the amount of vacation time that employees were afforded before you went to the new model. If your company does not provide guidelines, you might find some in this article: Paid Time Off Practices Around the World.

Do I think it is fair that LA’s behavior is causing others to question her commitment? It doesn’t matter what I think. That’s what is happening, fair or not. Perception is everything, and LA needs to understand that. Once she recognizes the impact of her choices (with your help), she can decide to change them. Or not. And she will reap the consequences of those choices.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a regional president for a global financial services company. About five years ago, I hired a whiz kid to inject some creativity and innovation into our use of technology and how we approach our regional customer acquisition. He is technically a genius in terms of IQ, and he excels at grasping key ideas and creating plans to execute them. When he started, he was also very good at creating relationships and influencing people to try new things with a minimum of drama. He quickly rose to be invited to join the leadership team. The projects he has spearheaded have significantly improved our business (which has historically trailed behind other, larger regions), and some of his ideas have been selected to be applied globally. I truly give him full credit for all of the success, and he has been well compensated for his efforts.

However.

I heard through the grapevine that at the last big leadership team meeting, Whiz Kid behaved very badly. (This was the meeting where the business unit leaders were tasked with aligning their goals with the strategy designed by the executive team, which includes other regional presidents.) He was heard by multiple people saying that he is the only strategic person in the entire global organization, including our CEO (who is world famous). He was negative about our strategic initiatives.

In our last one-on-one, WK told me he was insulted that he hasn’t been invited to join the executive team and he thinks he should be paid twice what he is making. In addition, he has abdicated from execution efforts on many of his recent projects, claiming that they aren’t a good use of his time.

I can’t help but feel that I have created a monster. How do I reel WK back in and get him to see that, as valuable as he is, he still has a lot to learn about leading others?

Created a Monster

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Created a Monster,

This is a classic. It is easy for a young person who comes into an organization and adds a ton of value to miss the memo that they don’t know what they don’t know—yet. When someone is a genius and can do things no one else can do, what incentive do they have to slow down and assess the value of rounding out their edges and making an effort to acquire skills they don’t have?

It sounds like you might have strong opinions about what good leadership looks like, as do I. But I also know those opinions are based on our experiences, and Whiz Kid hasn’t had those experiences. You and I may believe he has a lot to learn (and he probably does), but he is only going to learn those things by hitting the ceiling that stops his success—unless what he knows and does well is so valuable that nothing stops him. There are plenty of examples of that in the news.

Look. You can absolutely have a conversation with Whiz Kid where you share your thoughts about leadership skills and what it means to be a good organizational citizen. He may or may not get it. He may or may not care. You don’t have much control over that. So you must be prepared to give him what he wants, reach some kind of compromise, or risk losing him to another opportunity.

Possibly you can find a way to create some kind of consulting contract so he can work part-time with your group and find other opportunities with other businesses to do the things he does best. Many geniuses who can’t or won’t play nice in the sandbox with others end up being lone wolf consultants.

This means you will have a decision to make. Hopefully, you can find a creative way to leverage his genius without giving him free reign to wreak havoc with your people.

By all means, do try to share your wisdom on topics such as paying dues, humility, and what makes a person successful in the long term. You may be able to “reel him in,” as you say. I suspect, however, that it won’t work. In my experience, the only thing that catalyzes people to change is when the pain or cost of not changing is greater than the pain or cost of changing.

You didn’t create the monster; the monster was always there. All you can do is try to engineer things so that you can continue to leverage the best from him—and, for as long as you can, mitigate the damage he might do until he jumps ship to test his wits elsewhere. He will find his limits eventually. Everyone does.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently started a new job. I am super interested and engaged. I think I am doing well and my manager seems thrilled. People here think I’m much older than I am, and everyone assumes I have a bachelor’s degree. Only the HR recruiting person knows that all I have is a two-year associate degree—and it’s possible she didn’t notice because she didn’t say anything about it. The requirements on the job posting listed a BA or BS.

I am fine with this. I plan to go back and complete a four-year degree as soon as I can afford it. I live in terror of debt.

My questions are:

1. How concerned do I need to be about others finding out?
2. Should I tell people?

Worried

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Worried,

Short answers:

1. Not at all concerned. Stop worrying. Worrying is focusing on a future over which you have no control, and it just produces needless anxiety.
2. No.

Long answers:

This is absolutely nobody’s business except the hiring manager’s—and if she isn’t concerned, you shouldn’t be. If she simply missed it, it isn’t your responsibility to draw attention to it. Some might disagree with me on that, but I am just being pragmatic. If you weren’t equipped to do the job they gave you, it might change things—but that isn’t the case.

There is no reason for you to tell anyone; that’s just asking for gossip and drama, which you don’t need. I guess if someone asks you point blank (and really, why would they?) you can say what you studied. Just “I studied computer science,” or American history, or whatever it was.

Everyone has an opinion about this topic. Many have a chip on their shoulder because they slogged it out and accrued debilitating student debt to get their degree and now think everyone else should suffer. Attitudes about the value of a college degree are changing rapidly. Ultimately, opinions are simply that. They don’t need to mean anything to you.

I worked with a client who lied about her education on her resume and lived in perpetual fear of being found out. It was debilitating for her. She ended up going back to school and finishing her undergrad degree and went on to get a master’s degree. You didn’t lie and you have plenty of time, so relax.

Kudos to you for being careful about debt. I am finding it to be a chief cause of stress for people, and I encourage you to avoid it if you possibly can. That especially applies to credit card debt. Boy, does that burn my toast. Keep up your very wise vigilance!

The only other thing I might add is this: don’t wait too long to complete your bachelor’s degree if it is important to you. It is much easier to do before kids and a mortgage. Of course, if you aren’t planning on either of those, you have nothing but time.

I hope this sets your mind at ease.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a few teams—data scientists, bio engineers, research fellows, project managers—in a fast-growing biotech company. I have teams in Southern California, Canada, Eastern Europe, and Indonesia. The teams pass work off between time zones; if one person doesn’t complete their piece during the workday, it puts their counterpart behind. The pressure is tremendous. When we hire, I am very candid about the nature of the work and the expectations. We only hire people who have completed grueling academic programs, so they are used to the pace.

Lately, things are more intense than usual. We are very close to reaching our goal but our last round of funding is nearly exhausted and we have missed some deadlines.

I recently heard from our HR person that someone has filed a complaint against me, saying I have been bullying them. I am not sure who made the complaint or what I am supposed to have done and I am not at all clear about the potential repercussions. Our HR person is new, does not seem particularly competent, and has never worked in a global company as far I can tell. I live and work in Eastern Europe and am not sure what laws apply, as the company is headquartered in the US.

I admit I am very tough on my people and we have all been under a lot of pressure. I have been called a lot of things—demanding, exacting, even harsh. But I have always tried to be fair and have never thought of myself as a bully.

What is the difference between having high standards and being results-oriented, and being a bully? What can I do about the accusation? How should I protect myself? How can I stop this kind of perception? Maybe what I am really trying to figure out is:

Am I a Bully?

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Am I a Bully?,

This is a big, complicated topic, and I encourage you to discuss all of these questions with the HR representative—especially what you can do about the accusation and how you can protect yourself.

The question I can help you with is how you can change the perception. I can only imagine that all of the reflection prompted by this event and the conversations you will be having will help you decide for yourself whether or not you are a bully. That is not for me to judge.

The truth is that someone who intends harm, plots ways to make others miserable, and derives pleasure and a feeling of power from doing so is most definitely a bully. A person who feels compelled to exert power or belittle others for reasons conscious or unconscious but feels terrible about it afterwards may also be a bully. Ultimately, however, the experience of being bullied is the singular and subjective reality of the person having the experience. So, the exact behavior that is registered as a direct conversation by one person might be experienced by another as an aggressive attack. When you are navigating multiple cultures and everyone is under a great deal of pressure, the situation becomes extremely complex.

Let’s take a look at a definition of bullying from The Workplace Bullying Institute: “Workplace bullying is repeated mistreatment and a form of ‘abusive conduct.’ Bullying is a non-physical form of workplace violence.” Another more universal definition from The Centers for Disease Control and Department of Education includes three core elements:

• unwanted aggressive behavior
• observed or perceived power imbalance
• repetition or high likelihood of repetition of bullying behaviors

At work, this would mean a perpetrator targeting someone for repeated mistreatment. This mistreatment can take the form of making threats, intimidating, humiliating, or shaming (either in private or in front of others), sabotaging or stealing another’s work, or verbal abuse. This is not the definitive list, just the usual suspects.

Does any of this sound familiar? I can only assume that you have never intended to be hurtful, but it does stand to reason that there might be people who experience a boss who is, in your words, “very tough, demanding, exacting, even harsh” as hurtful.

In my experience, leaders can get away with being all those things when every team member trusts that the leader has good intentions, has their backs, and acknowledges good work as often as they redirect subpar performance. Notice in the definition is says “unwanted aggressive behavior”.  One might wonder what kind of aggressive behavior is ever wanted, but, I guess, to each their own.

• Ask yourself: Is it possible that I have a negative judgment or attitude about a team member that is revealed though my words or actions? If the answer is yes, this is something you need to deal with. Revise your judgment, check your attitude, have the hard conversation—do something. If you are tolerating poor performance or lack of competence but are hoping it will go away, this could be tripping you up.
• Ask yourself: Do I give negative feedback to anyone in front of others? If the answer is yes, cut it out. This can cause intense suffering for the toughest among us.
• Ask yourself: Do I ever make disparaging remarks about people (even those who aren’t present), use demeaning language, or call people names? If the answer is yes, there might be team members who think it is only a matter of time until they are in your cross hairs.
• Ask yourself: Do I ever raise my voice in conversation with people who have less power than I do? If the answer is yes, just know that this behavior may roll off the backs of some, but others will find it destabilizing.

It sounds as if there is more than enough adrenaline and cortisol being produced within your teams. To get the results you need, you are going to have to balance your demanding and exacting nature with efforts to ensure that people feel safe enough to think properly. You can find some tips on how to do that here.

Once you get more details about what you are being called to account for in the complaint, you might consider discussing the whole matter openly with your teams. To get some insight into why this might be a smart move, and how to go about it, read this article.

You are who you are. You can develop awareness about the impact you have on different kinds of people, and you can change your behaviors. You can also help your team better understand you, your intentions, and how you are working on yourself, so no one experiences you as a bully. Download this very cool e-book about Building Trust that will give you a sense of some things you can try immediately to change perceptions about you.

If you were truly a bully, I don’t think you would have bothered to ask this question. But it is going to take some work to make sure your intentions match the impact you have on people. The more power you have, the more amplified your impact is—so getting that part right matters more than ever. And the more pressure you are under, the more important it is for you to ensure that you don’t inadvertently affect the care with which you treat your people.

If this all makes sense to you, now is the time for you to embark on a journey of personal transformation. You may choose not to, of course—but then I suspect this complaint will be the first of many to come. That will, eventually, seriously limit your career goals. If you decide to up your game, it won’t be easy and it won’t be comfortable, but you will never regret it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage an operations department for the headquarters of a large media company. I have six direct reports and about 70 workers who report to them.

One of my direct reports recently left, and I was absolutely shocked at the things he told HR in his exit interview. He worked for me for three years, and in that time I thought we got along just fine. I regularly asked him for feedback. Other than a few requests for clarification on some tasks, I didn’t get any. He did a good job and his people seemed to like working with him.

He told HR that I had created a hostile work environment and that I was the worst kind of toxic leader he had ever worked for. They asked for examples, and he didn’t have much to offer—so I am none the wiser as to how he came to his conclusion.

I have regular one on ones with all of my people. Everyone knows what their goals are and we have a very open and transparent culture on my team (or so I thought). We don’t have big goals in my department, just regular tasks and fulfilling requirements for the physical plant. It is all very straightforward.

I am absolutely mystified by this feedback, and extremely upset. I have asked my HR partner to help me understand and figure out what to do about it, and she is as mystified as I am. She said that I should just shrug it off as a disgruntled employee and leave it at that. Normally when HR gets complaints about those kinds of things they do a full investigation, but they are not going to do that on this one; maybe I should just let it go. What do you think?

What Am I Doing Wrong?

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear What Am I Doing Wrong,

Gosh, don’t you just hate getting such awful feedback, second hand, with no explanation? It is the worst kind of surprise. I feel very bad for you. And I appreciate your willingness to do some soul searching as a result.

If your HR team is not inclined to give the feedback any credence, I think that is a good indicator that you shouldn’t either. It is always true that feedback says more about the person giving it than the person it is directed at. And I think when you ask people for feedback and they don’t give it to you but they complain about you behind your back, they are unhappy. And they are responsible for creating their own yucky reality. Some people are simply not inclined to trust others, no matter how hard others try to be trustworthy. An article by Blanchard’s trust expert, Randy Conley, might be helpful for exploring that idea.

There seems to be a crisis of trust in organizations all around the globe. One recent study found that 86% of employees feel people at their workplace are not heard fairly or equally. It is always possible that your own blind spots, world view, and/or unconscious biases contributed to your employee’s experience.

I always ask clients to do one thing with feedback that is hard to hear or that they don’t expect: ask themselves “What if this were true?”

So. What if what your direct report said was true? The questions that present themselves might be:

• Is it possible others feel that way?
• How might I find out?
• What would keep anyone from giving me feedback directly?
• Is there anything I do that might make others feel unsafe?
• Is there anything I do that might make others not trust me to hear feedback without retaliating if I hear something I don’t like?
• Is it possible that I treat people differently depending on my biases? Might I have unconscious biases that I need to address?

For one of the most amazing tools that outlines all of the possible cognitive biases, click here.

You should absolutely speak with each of your remaining direct reports to see if anyone else feels the same way. You can certainly ask questions like:

• Is there anything I do or don’t do that ever makes you feel unsafe?
• Would you tell me if I did?
• Do you feel like I have your back?
• Is there anything you think would make me a more effective manager?

You can give people the option to not answer right away, but to take some time to think about it and get back to you. It can be hard for a direct report to be put on the spot. The most important thing when receiving feedback is to not argue. There are exactly three responses to use when getting feedback: (1) “Thank you for telling me that,” (2) “I understand,” and (3) “Tell me more.”

Another option is to ask your HR group to use some kind of multi-rater 360 degree feedback tool. There are many options; they should have something. The ones we use and love are the Tru-Score, for fundamental management practices, and the ECR, to assess Emotional Intelligence. The anonymous nature of these tools might provide individuals with a safe way to share their thoughts and allow for more candor.

As a leader, it is your duty to engage in some self-reflection and ask what part you may have played in creating the situation. It does inspire confidence that your HR group did not take the exit interview seriously, but if you have any inkling at all that there might be something for you to examine, you should honor it.

Do a little due diligence. Take a long hard look in the mirror. Ask some questions and listen carefully to the answers. You will know if there is work for you to do, or if you can let the whole thing go.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Can someone be a great leader and not be self-aware?

I believe all great leaders are self-aware. If you don’t know how your behaviors affect others, it’s difficult to lead successfully. Furthermore, leaders who aren’t self-aware can cause significant damage. The news is filled with reports about highly visible executives (I hesitate to call them leaders) who lack self-awareness and the damage they cause to their people and their companies. Their stories have unhappy endings.

The Two Parts of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is foundational to inspiring leadership. It has two parts. The first part is being able to observe your own feelings and thoughts and their relationship. It’s challenging to do and requires observation and patience. The second part is being aware of how you affect others and how they perceive you. Observing your thoughts is an internal knowing. Being aware of your impact on others is an external knowing.

If you want to be an inspiring leader, you must have some degree of mastery over both parts of self-awareness. You need to know what’s important to you, why it’s important, what triggers you, and what your values are. When you have answers for these elements, you will be able to intentionally influence people—a key requirement of leadership.

Internal Knowing

• Gain internal knowing by expanding your feelings vocabulary. To gain a better understanding of your internal self-awareness, a best practice is to develop an extensive feelings vocabulary—descriptive words for emotions that help you accurately identify what you are feeling and why. It helps you move aware from vague explanations of “I am upset” to “I am disappointed and discouraged.” If you have difficulty describing what you are feeling, you may have a limited understanding of your emotions and difficulty taking appropriate action as a result. For some leaders who are less in touch with their emotions, this will require a lot of intentional practice.

Being able to identify an emotion is powerful. When you can describe it, you can name it, tame it (by understanding what actions might help minimize or address the feeling), and ideally reframe it—because it now feels manageable.

One way we help our coaching clients is to provide a vocabulary sheet for them to refer to a set number of times throughout the day to identify what they’re feeling in the moment. There’s a big difference, for example, between frustrated and disappointed, between stressed and panicking, and between content and proud. The vocabulary sheet helps the person become more self-aware and teaches them how to accurately describe their emotions and take appropriate action.

• Gain internal knowing through rightsizing emotions. Rightsizing emotions is another one of my favorite strategies. It’s best described through an example most can relate to: Someone cuts you off in traffic and you become enraged. You ask yourself if the intensity of your emotion is appropriate to what just happened and if your emotion is helpful. In this situation, your emotion is doing nothing but giving you high blood pressure. It’s not changing anything in the world. The best thing to do is to rightsize your rage—decrease it to a mild frustration—and let the anger go because it’s not serving you.

When you feel an intense emotion, first think, “Why does this feel so intense for me?” Then, “Is this intensity going to create a helpful outcome?” If the answer is yes, think about the outcome you want. If the answer is no, think about a more appropriate emotion or one that would be more helpful in helping you achieve your desired outcome.

Variations of this scenario happen at work all the time. Someone hurts you and you feel righteous anger for a while—maybe days or even weeks. Once you learn to look at the intensity of your emotion and determine the outcome you want, you can move past the emotion. The next step would be to either move on or address the issue—ideally, with the person who caused the hurt.

External Knowing

• Gain external knowing through a 360 assessment. One of the best ways to become more self-aware is to learn what people truly think about you. Most leaders don’t take the time to get feedback. They assume they know what would be said—and it’s surprising how often they are off track.

A multi-rater 360 is a fantastic way to improve self-awareness. It allows people to provide anonymous feedback, which increases accuracy. The feedback is gathered in a consistent manner and grouped together so it is nearly impossible for you, the leader, to identify who gave what rating. The pooling of perceptions can also help you be more detached from the results, allowing you to have a clear picture of how you are perceived and what you might want to do about it.

• Gain external knowing through interviews. Have an objective third party act as a surrogate multi-rater. You might choose an executive coach who does not work in your organization. They interview your key stakeholders and keep all answers confidential. Then they summarize the answers to protect anonymity and share with you what they find.

Don’t assume you know what they’re going to discover. Even though the information people share through this confidential approach is often very surprising, leaders usually appreciate being informed than being kept in the dark.

The Unexpected Rewards of Becoming More Self-Aware

The rewards of becoming more self-aware are significant. When you are aware of your feelings, you can rightsize them. You can pivot easily. You can work better with difficult people. When you know the affect you have on others and how they perceive you, you can entertain different perspectives of a situation. You can be an inspiring leader. You are in a place of choice.

Being self-aware brings tremendous freedom. And that makes you a better human and a better leader.

“Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lie our growth and our happiness.”

This is one of my favorite quotes, most often attributed to Viktor E. Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning. It holds an answer to managing negativity in the workplace. But first, I want to be clear about negative thoughts and emotions.

It’s okay to feel anger, worry, and sadness. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to get upset. We all experience a spectrum of feelings throughout the day. It’s normal. Besides, the more we squash negative emotions, the more they appear. But we can learn how to respond when we want to hold onto those negative emotions.

The first step is to acknowledge that we all feel big feelings, then feel compassion for yourself when you have them and, eventually, for others when they do.

Recognize Negative Tendencies

We all have natural negative tendencies and thought patterns. So don’t beat yourself up—or at least try not to. Recognize these leanings and attempt to catch yourself before you go into your habitual swirl of doom. You know what that looks like. You might be one of those who identify what’s wrong before you recognize what’s going well. Perhaps you like to vent—a lot. Or, if you are like me, you get defensive when you get feedback and see it as a criticism. These knee-jerk reactions can go completely unnoticed by us because they are ingrained habits and impulses—learned behaviors we acquired long before we were functioning adults.

The key is to acknowledge a feeling and then identify if your reaction to it will be helpful or unhelpful. We obviously don’t want to act out negatively or do something that’s hurtful. But sometimes our natural tendency does exactly that.

I’ll give you an example. Last week I was triggered by one of my colleagues who provided input on a strategy document I wrote. The comments, I felt, were not useful. Instead of dismissing them as a reflection of the person’s own issues, I was triggered and unleashed. I felt annoyed and wanted others to feel my irritation and validate my frustration. So I immediately texted and called a couple of my closest colleagues and complained. I distracted myself from the issue at hand and got wrapped up in a negative cycle of judgment and griping. And while my peers understood and empathized, I can only imagine that my rant did not put a positive spin on their day; perhaps it even impacted them later on. It was not an issue that I was triggered, but it was that I let it play out with my teammates and truly created a negative work environment. Not helpful and not fair—to myself, my peers, or that clueless colleague who was trying to give me some honest feedback.

Don’t Gossip

Here is a confession: I struggle with gossip. I want to follow the Golden Rule. If I hear someone speaking negatively about someone or something else, I don’t want to participate or share a juicy story of my own. But I usually do. I sympathize and likely continue enabling the rumor mill. Why? I also struggle with being direct, so gossip is an easier way for me to process my feelings. Great job, Brit, on being self-aware. But I need to take this a bit further.

Really, the better course of action is to either not participate or change the subject. Have more empathy and compassion for those who are at the center of the story. We are all just trying to do the best we can with the information we are presented with at the time.

Goodbye to Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity is as bad as gossiping. It can be used to gloss over any unpleasant truths in the workplace. Rarely are statements such as “it could be worse” or “don’t stress” or “look on the bright side” helpful to the individual who is having a bad day, for whatever justified or unjustified reason. Toxic positively feels a bit like gaslighting—as if the other person’s feelings don’t matter or aren’t appropriate.

As with gossip, the answer is empathy and compassion. How do you show empathy and compassion? Through listening with the intent to understand, validating those strong emotions, and offering support—even if it’s just an ear.

Flip the Negative Script

A very close friend of mine and I work together. We use a technique to manage negativity so we can help each other share strong feelings but also get some forward momentum. If this person calls wanting to air out grievances, I ask, “Do you want to talk to Work Britney or Friend Britney?” My response is different based on who this person wants to talk to. If it’s Work Britney, I’ll say something like, “Want to work out a solution together?” If she is looking for a friend, I’ll say, “Dude, that stinks. I’m here for you.”

You can use this technique with your people. Let them know you’re going to wear different hats based on their need. This way, you can either play the role of boss or lend a friendly ear. I’ve asked my leaders in the past to do this. It’s helped me be able to share my feelings and then make a plan–which often means being more direct with the object of my aggravation.

Find a Release Valve—A Healthy One

People call work a “pressure cooker” for good reason—we all need a release valve. But you need to find one that works for you. Maybe it’s journaling, or exercise, or yoga—whatever helps you process the big feelings. But watch out. Doom scrolling, gossip, toxic positivity, and other nefarious habits that cause more self-harm may seem to be effective release valves, but they clearly only perpetuate the negative cycle on yourself and others.

Set the Tone

Leaders have more influence than they realize. Just consider that a poor relationship with a leader is the top reason people leave a job. You can flip this dynamic on its head by asking people how they are doing, what problems they are facing, what’s their biggest challenge.

Just as important, you can set the tone for these conversations. Instead of focusing on the negative, you can ask people about their big wins in the past week. I recently asked my people what their best day at work was in the past six months. Smiles began appearing on every face. Their brains were working hard. Then they shared great stories—and the whole nature of the conversation changed.

You Be the Example

A leader’s job is to manage the energy in the workplace. If there is negativity everywhere, notice it, acknowledge your role in creating or perpetuating that environment, and make a conscious decision to do something different.

It’s an unrealistic attitude to think every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows. Just do your best to be more mindful of negative patterns. Craig Weber calls it “Catch It, Name It, Tame It.” Meanwhile, “Catch people doing things right,” as Ken Blanchard would say. Celebrate the small wins. Celebrate when things go well. And little by little, you’ll change the environment.

It all goes back to the Frankl quote. “Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lie our growth and our happiness.”

We have a choice. Do we want to bring people down or lift them up? Do we want to share the latest gossip or simply move on with our day? Negative emotions are shared by all of us, but a negative environment doesn’t have to be. We have the power to create more shared experiences that are positive. It’s about asserting our freedom and remembering that we have a choice in our response—and then choosing the path that leads to our growth and happiness.

In our new book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, my coauthor, Randy Conley, and I cover a lot of topics—fifty-two, to be exact. As the subtitle suggests, a primary focus of the book is the area of trust in leadership.

To be truly trustworthy, a leader must first possess a strong sense of self-awareness. Why? Because effective leadership starts on the inside. Before you can hope to lead anyone else, you must know yourself and what you need to be successful.

Self-awareness gives you a special kind of perspective as a leader. When you are grounded in knowledge about yourself, you are mindful of the people, experiences, and values that have made you who you are as a person and as a leader. You are aware of your thoughts, feelings, temperament, and what motivates you. You know how your behavior affects others around you and how to model trusting servant leadership for your team.

Self awareness and trustworthiness go hand in hand. It’s all about leading at a higher level.

We found the best way to describe trustworthiness in leadership was to break it into four qualities leaders can use to define and discuss trust with their people. These four characteristics make up the ABCD Trust Model.

Leaders who are Able demonstrate competence. They know how to produce results and they have the leadership skills necessary to empower and encourage their people to get the job done.

Leaders who are Believable act with integrity. They are honest, fair, ethical, and treat their people with equity. Their values-driven behavior builds trust and creates an environment of psychological safety.

Leaders who are Connected demonstrate care for others. Their focus is on their people’s needs and development. They are good listeners who share information about themselves and seek feedback. 

Leaders who are Dependable honor their commitments and keep their promises. They are accountable for their actions, responsive to others, organized, and consistent.

Along with the ABCD Trust Model, we developed an assessment leaders can use to gauge their own trustworthiness in all four areas. (Find the free assessment here.) Then, to help leaders gain even more self-awareness, we encourage them to have their team members fill out the same assessment to rate the leader’s trustworthiness. What a concept—leaders vulnerable enough to ask their people to assess them as a trustworthy leader!

I liked that idea so much, I asked my work team to fill out the trust assessment with me as the subject. When the responses were tallied, we learned that my ratings on the Able, Believable, and Connected behaviors were excellent! However, my ratings on the Dependable behaviors needed work. The reason? I’ve never heard an idea I didn’t like! In other words, I say “yes” too easily. Despite my good intentions to please people, I often found myself overcommitted—which put pressure on both my team and myself. The strategy we worked out to help my Dependable score was simple. My assistant at the time, Margery Allen, suggested that when I went on business trips and got in conversations with people, I should give them Margery’s business card instead of my own. That way she could screen callers and talk with me about what was realistic for me to say “yes” to. This process worked better for all of us and helped me become more Dependable. Looking back, I now see how that process also helped me with my self-awareness about my strengths and weaknesses in the area of trustworthiness.

It’s never a bad thing when you learn something new about yourself as a leader. You can take a tip from the One Minute Manager: If you find out you are doing something right, give yourself a One Minute Praising. And if you discover you are off track in an area (like I was on Dependable behaviors), give yourself a One Minute Redirect and get back on the right track.

The more self-aware you are, the better you will be able to serve, care for, and lead your people. When people believe their leader has their best interests at heart and is there to support them in achieving their goals, trust grows by leaps and bounds. Today more than ever, people long to follow a trustworthy leader. When they find one, they will offer that leader 100 percent of their energy and engagement. And when a leader has the trust of their team, all things are possible.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director-level leader in a national insurance organization. The culture here is that things get done slowly, and only when everyone agrees with the change.

I have been tasked with spearheading a ton of change, which is desperately needed. I have not made any friends with my approach and my boss has told me that my “brand” is suffering.

Apparently, I am seen as arrogant—and I am arrogant, I guess. I am an expert in my field and I just don’t understand why people can’t just take my word for it when I explain what needs to be done.

My fiancée has pointed out that I get combative and defensive when my expertise is challenged. She thinks my ego is getting in my way. I concede that that might be true, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Would appreciate any ideas.

Ego is Getting in My Way

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Ego is Getting in My Way,

You wouldn’t be the first to deal with this particular issue. The good news is that you are aware of how you have contributed to creating this situation, which is maybe the biggest hurdle. I worked with a speaking coach many years ago who said something I will never forget: “They won’t buy the message if they don’t buy the messenger.” It is just about as true an adage as I have ever heard.

Your first step is to adopt a little humility. Your ego might well be your problem, and it might be combined with a strong need for expediency or for being right. Probably both. That’s okay. Your needs won’t tank your career, but trying to get them met in a way that repels people will. Notice when your need is driving your behavior—and, if you have to, put your hand over your mouth to keep yourself from saying something that won’t get you the results you want. Ken Blanchard says, “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” Another brilliant adage. So instead of reflexively getting your own needs met, think about the needs of the people you have to influence. Almost everyone needs to be considered, heard, and respected. People often use the word arrogant about someone when they feel devalued by that person. So stop sending the message that you feel you are surrounded by idiots.

Now either create or nurture your relationships with every single person you need on your side. “Oh wow,” you might be thinking, “who has time for that?” You do. Because it is the only way you are going to be successful. Make a map of every single person you need and make it your mission to get to know them and to let them get to know you. In these days of social distancing it is harder than ever, but it must be done. If there are some folks located near you, set up breakfast, coffee or drinks meetings. Keep the focus off of work and simply get to know people. Years ago the NYTimes published a wonderful article called The 36 Questions That Lead to Love. (If you need a subscription to see that, here is another way to get to them.) You may think “What? What does this have to do with love?” Everything—because you actually really need to know the people you work with and they need to know you. Once people really know each other, they tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you can’t get together in person, do some “getting to know you” calls over Zoom. It will feel really weird and uncomfortable, but you just have to do it.

You will still be yourself. You may even continue to be arrogant. But it won’t bother people as much because they’ll see all the other stuff about you that makes you great.

People will assume you are an expert. You wouldn’t be in the job otherwise. So stop trying to prove it all the time. When you are challenged, listen carefully to the challenges, repeat them back so the person challenging you knows you have heard them. Show respect by taking concerns seriously and showing that you care about the person even as you might be thinking they have no idea what they are talking about.

One of the hardest things for leaders who are ascending quickly to understand is that being the smartest person in the room and being a champion problem solver is the ante to get into the game. The thing that keeps you in the game, and winning it, is relationships.

I’ll bet this is not what you wanted to hear. But I guarantee this approach will go a long way toward rehabilitating your brand.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior VP in a global energy company and recently had an opportunity to give a webinar presentation to the entire company. I got a lot of great feedback, which was nice, but one person wrote in the chat that my “privilege was showing.”

What the heck? My family is from Pakistan. I was born there but we moved to the UK when I was a baby. I am definitely BIPOC, but had a talent for maths and ended up getting lucky with substantial scholarships to get advanced degrees in maths and engineering.

To be fair, I have been very focused on work and not much on current affairs—but seriously, what am I supposed to do with that feedback?

Am I Privileged?

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Am I Privileged?,

Yes. You are. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I think you do with that feedback the same thing you would do with any kind of feedback:

• Pay attention to it
• Consider it carefully
• Ask yourself: “What if this were true? What would that mean?”
• Ask yourself: “Is there anything I can learn from this? Is there something I might do differently that will help me be more effective at achieving my goals?”

Feedback says more about the person giving it than it does about the person getting it. So what was said about you and your privilege is simply data that you are perceived by some people in your organization as a person who has privilege. The questions are: So what? What is important about that? Why is it important? Is it important enough for you to do something about it?

In the end, it all depends on your point of view about leadership and your goals. If you want to continue to develop as a leader in your company, you’ll want to be someone whom others choose to follow, so there might be some value in understanding the current thinking about privilege. It just so happens that I have been doing a lot of reading, listening, and thinking on the topic myself, so I can share some of what I have learned that might be useful.

Given your background, you may be extremely aware of the disadvantages you have overcome and obstacles you have faced. But because of your gifts, there are some you haven’t had to deal with. The current thinking about privilege holds that lacking privilege in one area doesn’t mean you don’t benefit from having privilege in others. The concept of privilege is not limited to race; it extends to all aspects of being a human trying to compete on what is anything but a level playing field.

Any way you might, by sheer accident of fate, be part of a majority is a form of privilege. Consider the following:

• Are you a citizen of the country you live in?
• Do you speak fluently the predominant language of the country you live or work in?
• Are you male in an area of expertise that is predominately male?
• Are you male in an industry that is predominately male?
• Are you heterosexual?
• Are you married in a society that values traditional relationships?
• Is your spiritual practice or religious affiliation understood and/or relatively accepted as a norm in your community?
• Do you have reasonably well-rounded intelligence; are you able to navigate human communication without exceptional effort?
• Do you have ample, affordable access to technology/internet?
• Can you see and hear without needing extraordinary help?
• Are you able bodied?
• Are you reasonably attractive?
• Are you taller than most people or at least of average height?
• Do you own a car, have a walkable/bikeable commute, or have access to speedy, affordable, efficient transportation?
• Are you neither exceptionally young nor old for your station in life and position at work?

Further, any special gifts you may have are a form of privilege:

• Do you have above average intelligence?
• Do you enjoy mental and emotional stability?
• Are you endowed with natural goal orientation, drive to achieve, or ambition?
• Do you hold an advanced degree and have access to ongoing education?
• Can you avail yourself of relationships with powerful, influential people in your organization or community?
• Do you have access to mentors and advocates in your organization or community?
• Are you exceptionally gifted with language or math?
• Are you artistic or able to express yourself with unusual creativity?

When you look at it through the lens of these questions, you may see your own privilege the way some others do.

At this point in how we seem to be evolving as humans, I think the key is simply awareness. You clearly understand that you have been lucky—but that doesn’t mean you haven’t worked hard to get where you are.

It takes some thought to balance showing up as your real, authentic self while being sensitive to the realities that others struggle with. Maybe you don’t need to do anything. Maybe you can pinpoint what it is you said or did that struck a nerve and make a choice to not say or do it again. Maybe not. You can’t please everyone, all of the time.

In the meantime, by all means, enjoy your privilege. Don’t waste your time feeling guilty about it—that won’t help anyone. But neither will pretending you don’t have any. Just be grateful for your luck and your gifts, and work hard to use them to make the world around you a better place for everyone.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior business leader for a global manufacturing company. I recently was on a panel with an officer of our company—not my boss, but a peer of my boss. He was very impactful with his remarks; I was okay but not nearly as sharp. Later, when I complimented him on his presence and remarks, he graciously thanked me and asked if he could give me some advice.

Of course I said yes.

“You need to prepare,” he said. “You have no idea how much I prepare when I need to speak—in any venue, including executive team meetings. It makes all the difference.”

It got me to thinking, and I realized that I have been basically winging it. All the time. I talk way too much. I start talking and keep talking until I figure out what my point is. I am smart enough to have gotten away with it so far—but now that it has been called out, I really want to improve. I am not sure where to begin. Thoughts?

Winging It

Dear Winging It,

The first step is self-awareness, so congratulations for realizing that you can improve. It is my experience that the less people talk, the more others tend to pay attention when they do. There is tremendous power in silence, and in taking the moment to think before you speak.

The next step is clarifying your own motivation for improving, because it will require sustained attention and effort. Since you have gotten away with winging it till now, it would be easy to slide back into old habits. So remembering the point of the exercise will help to keep you on track. Ask yourself:

• Why bother improving?
• What are my long-term career goals, and will my improving impact those goals significantly?
• How will I deal with it when I get disillusioned with how much time and effort preparation takes?

Once you have given this a little thought, you will be ready for the next step. This may be the hardest part: deciding what meetings/events you want to be more prepared for and blocking time off on your calendar to prepare.

The key to preparation is taking the time to do it—and you’ll find that it really doesn’t take that long. Once you have your system down you might very well be able to do it on your commute, or your morning walk, or even in the shower. Personally, I prepare by creating mind maps using pen and paper. Many people need to think out loud and take note of what comes out of their mouths that is useful and what can be consolidated or edited out. You will have to experiment.

Taking the time to prepare also means reviewing the supporting documents that are shared before a meeting. Most people who are used to winging it figure they can do a quick scan once the meeting starts, which is probably what you do now. But reviewing early will allow you the time to develop an opinion with supporting arguments that will be three steps ahead of what you can get to in real time.

Once you have blocked a little time out, run some tests: What method is going to serve you best? Are you a writer? Do you need markers and flip chart so you can think big? Do you need to think out loud with a peer or team member? Perhaps the recording feature on your phone would help you?

To organize your preparation, regardless of your method, consider:

• Who is your audience?
• What is their agenda? Why are they there?
• What is the main topic or decision that needs to be made?
• Do you have one or two key messages you want people to remember?
• Are there related side topics that may be missing, and can you explain why it is critical to address those at this time?
• What are the most important points people need to hear to grasp your opinion?
• Do you want/need research or statistics to support your point(s)? It’s much better to Google beforehand and be ready with links.
• Is there a personal story or example you might share to support a point?
• Can you tell that story succinctly and make sure it circles back to the point? Stories are very effective but all the more when they are short, sweet, and relevant.
• If your audience remembers only one thing about what you say, what do you want it to be?
• Is there a call to action and is it clear?
• What questions do you anticipate being asked, and how will you answer them?

If you start with just these, you will be way ahead of the game. Even if you focus yourself on the way to a meeting (or in our current Zoom world, take five minutes before the meeting) with some thinking about who the audience is and what you need them to know, you will be on the road to being prepared. Success breeds success, so start small and build.

If at all possible, consider asking the gentleman who gave you advice how he prepares—he may have some brilliant tips for you. And almost everyone likes being asked for advice.

Finally, you can practice keeping your hand over your mouth until you figure out exactly what needs to be said. I spend a great deal of time with my hand over my mouth—as a former “winger,” it serves me well. It is much easier to circle back to share something you didn’t get a chance to say than to take back something (or worse, a lot of stuff) you wish you hadn’t.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a somewhat new manager in the law office of a large government agency. I stepped into my new role after my boss left. The pay raise was negligible and my workload has tripled, but I figure it’s good experience.

Here’s my question. I had an epiphany last week: my new direct reports—there are seven of them—are not like me. I have been managing them the way I like to be managed, and it’s not working at all. I think I know why it isn’t working, but maybe you could help me to understand how I can make it work.

After the Epiphany

Dear After the Epiphany,

First of all, thanks for making me laugh out loud. I am not laughing at you—well, wait; I might be, but just a little. It’s only because so many managers never have your epiphany and because it is such a wonder when someone does get it. And for you to get it at the beginning of your management career is such a gift. My husband calls your pre-epiphany state BLMS: “Be Like Me Syndrome.” Because, generally, we all tend to see everyone through the lens of our own experience, temperament, and skills. So just the fact that you have had this epiphany gets you halfway there. I am actually dying to know how it came to you. What caused the insight?

Now to answer your question. Most people are promoted to a management role because they are very good at their jobs. And most of those new managers get no training on how to manage. Here is a fun if somewhat terrifying infographic on that research. It’s a great mystery to me how anyone thinks being good at a job will make you good at managing people. And yet, I’ve made the mistake myself. One possible reason is that we all tend to engage in magical or wishful thinking. We think “Oh, Ben is so competent and such a hard worker, he would be a great manager!” Some people, like you, get the memo and figure it out for themselves. But many don’t, as seen in the research and certainly in my inbox.

So. You were obviously great at your former job and your bosses clearly had faith that you were able to handle a crushing workload, which is probably why they promoted you. Capacity for hard work is certainly a reasonable ante to be considered for promotion, but it shouldn’t the only one. Regardless, you are in the job and you’re right, the experience will be invaluable. So let’s get you set up to win.

To be a great manager, you must become a student of human nature and the human condition. It is a lifelong course of study. One consolation for the additional study on top of the already crushing workload is that you will hopefully be the wiser, more patient, and generous for it.

Where to start to become a student of your people? I have four tips. You don’t have to tackle all of these in order, but they are in the order of the stuff I wish someone had told me before I started managing people (and to all of those folks who worked for me 30 years ago, I am sorry). This is going to be a lot, so I would recommend that you set up your course of study over a long period of time. Break it down into small chunks and take it slow. As you go, you will find new topics to add to your list—so it will never end—but you will get the fundamentals first.

Temperament: You realize that your people are not like you. Great. The next step is to understand exactly how they are not like you, and to use that insight to modify your communication and style with each person. There are a ton of different models to help you do this. I have learned Myers-Briggs, DiSC, Enneagram, and Temperaments. To me, the simplest and easiest to apply is Temperaments—specifically, the work of Linda Berens. You can identify your own style, how it is different from each of your direct reports’ styles, why it matters, and what to do about it. If you do only this, you will be ahead of the game. It will help you understand specifically what drives and motivates each of your employees, and that will vastly increase your understanding of what they need from you and what rubs them the wrong way.

Don’t try to read minds: Do you know what each of your people is best at? And what they love to do? And how they like to be managed? It doesn’t have to be a big mystery—you can ask them. Create a questionnaire for each of your people to fill out; possibly something like this:

• If you could organize your ideal workday, what would that look like? What would you spend the most time on? What would you not have to do at all if you had a choice?
• How do you think you add the most value to the team and the organization?Tell me about the best boss you ever had—what did they do/not do? What qualities did they have that made them the best boss?
• Tell me about the worst boss you ever had—what made them so terrible? What did they do/not do?
• What is the best job you ever had? What did you love about it?
• What are your pet peeves—the dumb little things other people do that drive you nuts?
• How do you like to be recognized/rewarded?
• What is your superpower? What can you do blindfolded, walking backwards, with your hands tied behind your back? Are you able to use it in your job currently? If not, do you have ideas about how you might be able to?
• Would you be willing to give me feedback on my leadership style? If not, what might I do to change that?
• Do you have short-term or long-term career goals I should know about?
• Is there anything else you want me to know?

The key is to make sure people understand that you won’t be able to give them exactly what they want/need all the time, but that you’ll make an effort to keep what they tell you in mind. You also need to be sure that you’ll never, ever use what someone tells you against them.

SLII®: Learn and use a management model that is simple, straightforward, and foolproof. Honestly, I cannot fathom how I managed people before I learned SLII®. Here is an e-book that will walk you through it. Here is the gist of it:

• Every employee has tasks and goals they are expected to work on.
• For each task and goal, each employee has achieved a certain level of development. Development is a combination of competence to accomplish the task and confidence in their ability to do the task.
• The manager’s job is to flex their leadership style according to each employee’s development level on each task. Style is a mix of direction and support.
• Manager and employee have regular 1×1 meetings to go over tasks and goals, to assess their development levels on each one, and to make it easy for the employee to ask for more direction if needed, or more support if needed.

Simple, right? Yes, and it does suppose that everyone is crystal clear about exactly what tasks and goals they are supposed to be focused on. This first step alone is a stumbling block for so many. It is absolutely staggering how many people are not at all clear about what is expected of them or how to prioritize, so you might want to start there. Ask each of your people to list their tasks and goals in order of priority. You might be surprised to see some things on the list that don’t belong there, and others (that you see as mission critical) that are MIA. Once both of you are on the same page about each task, it is important that you paint the picture of exactly what a good job looks like to you. You can’t read their minds and they definitely can’t read yours. Then, if you have evidence that your employee has done the task before, you can let them go do it. If it is the first time they have ever done it, you will need checkpoints so you can assess understanding and provide redirection before it is too late.

It does take time to set things up at the beginning—but as Ken Blanchard says, if you set things up correctly in the beginning, the end takes care of itself. The beauty of SLII® is that it will keep you from micromanaging when you don’t need to, or letting people flounder when they think they know what to do, but don’t. It is hard for most people to ask for help, especially from a whippersnapper new kid. If you have a training budget, I encourage you to take an SLII® class if you can. It will make a huge difference to your life as a boss.

Communicate your expectations: Finally, you need to be clear with your people about your expectations. If you can’t stand for people to be late, tell them. If you need to see a certain number of work hours a day, tell them. If you expect work with no errors, tell them. Whatever your standards are, tell them. Choose your battles but do draw the lines clearly. Remember that your people are not you, and they will probably not hold themselves to the standards you hold yourself to. That’s OK. If they did, they would be making the big bucks, hahaha. So choose the things that really matter to you, and tell them.

The first job of a manager is to make sure the work gets done while doing no harm to the people doing it. Your people really need to know that you are paying attention, that you care, and that you have their backs. It will take you a while to weave all of this into the job—but if you take it one step at a time, it is doable. And worth it.

Aren’t you glad you asked?

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

For many years I reported to the same manager. He was very supportive and made time frequently to meet in person, one-on-one, to discuss both my ongoing work and my development. Then something changed. My manager became very distracted. The source of this distraction? His new smartphone.

Every time it buzzed or beeped, he would stop focusing on our conversation and grab the phone to explore the source—a new Facebook post, an email, a text, etc. Pretty soon I found myself not really wanting to get together with him. And I wasn’t the only one—my boss’s other direct reports were feeling the same way.

Actor Emilio Estevez is quoted as saying “We have all these devices that keep us connected, and yet we’re more disconnected than ever before.” I agree.

The distracted, disjointed experience I had with my boss has become a daily occurrence for millions of people, both on the job and in their private lives. Overuse of cell phones has become an actual addiction. I wonder if the inventors of the smartphone or social media platforms could have ever imagined the harmful potential of their device or service. I also wonder—often aloud: Does the fact that we can stare at our phones 24/7 mean we should?

So how might we move differently going forward?

• Be aware. The first step is awareness. Over the next couple of days, chart how many times and how much time you spend interacting with your device. (Ironically, there are apps that will do this for you.) Make a note of the specific triggers that prompt your use.

• Ask: Can it wait? When you reach to check your phone, ask yourself: Is this really important or can it wait? Chances are, it can wait.

• Take face to face literally. Make in-person meetings sacred. Keep your phone off the table and on silent mode. Anything else you are doing needs to take a back seat.

For many people, these behaviors will be challenging. So be kind to yourself—two steps forward, one step back. The key is to alter your behavior by keeping the goal of less time on your device top of mind.

I heard someone say we all need a retreat from our electronic gadgets. Now you know what I think about that statement. What do you think?

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

In my role as an organizational coach, from time to time I am asked to work with leaders who struggle to manage anger and emotional outbursts. Amazingly, they often don’t realize that going on an angry tirade during a staff meeting or berating a direct report in front of colleagues is conduct unbecoming of a leader. In fact, uncontrolled anger often can be a career staller—and it definitely derails leadership presence. It also can take a toll on personal health and relationships both in and out of the workplace.

Coaching these types of individuals is challenging because they are labeled “problem children” and can create a toxic environment. However, the work can be rewarding when the leader is open to being coached and receiving honest feedback and is willing to change by increasing their self-awareness.

I always ask two questions of a client who struggles with managing self:

• How do you want to be perceived as a leader in your organization?
• How do you think others perceive you as a leader?

Once the client answers these questions, we begin to create clarity about anger triggers or hot buttons. We discuss the importance of recognizing physical changes that happen within the body when rage begins to rumble. These might include the face becoming red, heart rate increasing, blood pressure increasing, palms becoming sweaty, or seeing stars. It is critical for the client to recognize their personal signs so that they can begin to implement self-management techniques.

Do you find yourself fuming when a work conversation goes bad or when your boss or a colleague dismisses your efforts in a meeting? Do anger issues lurk in other areas of your life? Here are 7 tips for keeping your temper in check:

1. Identify your personal anger triggers or hot buttons. Recognize the physical changes happening as your anger builds.
2. Rehearse mental procedures and ask/say to yourself:
   • What is the source of my anger?
   • Do I need to do something about what is angering me?
   • I will remain calm and breathe deeply to allow oxygen flow to help me think clearly.
   • I will not take this situation personally.
   • I will slow down my thoughts and gain self-control.
3. Take a personal time out. Walk away for an hour, gain control, and cool off.
4. Implement relaxation skills. Examples include deep breathing; imagining a special vacation place and concentrating on its beauty; repeating a calming word that you choose; listening to music; writing your thoughts in a journal.
5. Get some exercise. Physical activity is a powerful outlet.
6. Examine solutions regarding what caused your anger.
7. Accept responsibility for managing yourself by responding to anger in a healthy way.

These are all simple steps that require self-discipline and courage. Daniel Goleman, author of the book Emotional Intelligence, says this: “Reasonable people—the ones who maintain control over their emotions—are people who can sustain safe, fair environments. In these settings, drama is very low and productivity is very high. Top performers flock to these organizations and are not apt to leave them.”

Use these 7 steps to keep your emotions in control and model how to create a safe, encouraging, and productive environment for everyone you lead.

 About the Author

Patricia Sauer is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world.

Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a new manager. I have twelve folks reporting to me and it is going perfectly, except for one person (I will call him “A”). There seems to be a fundamental disconnect between how he sees his own performance (superior) and how others see his performance (subpar).  I am continually confused by this disparity because it is so obvious to everyone but A. 

For example, we just had a performance review cycle where A’s peers identified that he submits work for group projects that is not well thought through, is loaded with errors, and, in some cases, is not even the piece he was supposed to be working on. A’s own self-assessment was that he is way ahead of everyone else and that he should get both a bonus and a promotion! 

I don’t so much want advice on what to do; my company has provided good training and I know how to have the right conversations with A.  I just don’t understand how a person can be so oblivious to their own faults and deluded about their own capabilities.  How does this happen? 

Need an Explanation

Dear Need an Explanation,

Oh, if only I could explain this!  This is one of those questions that has stumped countless philosophers through the ages. This personality quirk has been a great source of entertainment, not the least of which is exemplified in the character of Michael Scott in the TV show “The Office.” I agree it is confounding—and it also makes me constantly worried that others might think this about me!  Self-awareness is just so tricky.

What we are talking about here is known in my business as Emotional Intelligence, which comprises awareness of self, awareness of others, and the ability to modulate or regulate oneself to be successful with others.  The research shows that high emotional intelligence is a success indicator—and that the kind of obliviousness A demonstrates will eventually curtail his ambitions.

In our book Leverage Your Best—Ditch the Rest, Scott Blanchard and I offer the Three Perspectives, which are:

• How do see myself?
• How do others see me?
• How do I need to be seen to be successful in this situation?

Once a person has a sense of how to answer those questions, they can figure out what to do about them.  In the meantime, I cannot explain how someone can be as oblivious as A seems to be.  We can speculate—and goodness knows I do, all the time.  Maybe it is all an act and A is worried sick about measuring up, so he is overcompensating.  Maybe he had parents who raised him to believe he could do no wrong.  Who knows?  Ultimately, it doesn’t matter.  I think the better question may be this: how can you help A?  You may simply want to present the disconnect and ask him what he thinks about it.  He may have something interesting to say.

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior executive in a big global company. I am not an American, but it is an American company. With each rise I achieve in the ranks here, the more I realize just how not-American I am.

Here’s my problem. I am a large person physically—I was an athlete in my school days. Recently, I was called into a meeting with HR during which I was told that people find me physically aggressive. Also, someone reported that I point when I am talking and it feels to them like I am pointing a gun.

I reported this to my wife and she laughed and said, “Oh yeah, the finger gun, we take bets on whether any given topic at the dinner table will bring it out!”

I am a perfectly decent and nice guy, and I find this upsetting. I don’t know what to do. I think the HR lady had some recommendations but I don’t remember a word she said after the “finger gun” thing. Help?

Finger Gun

Dear Finger Gun,

You will forgive me for smiling. If you weren’t a perfectly decent and nice guy, you wouldn’t be so upset. But because you are, the good news is that it won’t be that hard for you to change people’s perceptions.

I have heard “finger gun” before, believe it or not. A lot of leaders have habits they are unaware of that undermine their ability to connect with people—raising their voice, pounding the table, moving quickly, or slamming doors. In some cultures, that kind of physicality seems totally normal, but in the western corporate world it causes people to go into fight-or-flight mode.

The problem with being the boss is that everything you do is under a microscope and has a multiplied effect. I worked with one client whose lifelong trademark eyerolling was considered hilarious until he was the big boss, and then his employees experienced it like a slap across the face. I have lost count of the clients, both men and women, who have taught themselves how to smile so they wouldn’t be so scary.

You have obviously been effective enough to rise in the ranks, so don’t go second guessing everything you are doing. You must be doing some things right. It is normal for people to ascend to senior levels only to find out that what has been working for them up to this point isn’t going to work at this new level. Marshall Goldsmith wrote a book about it: What Got You Here Won’t Get You There—the title says it all.

Perhaps you could go back and talk to your HR lady, now that you are calm enough to hear what she has to say. She probably has some good ideas. Here are mine:

It sounds like what we are dealing with here is physical self-awareness. The emotional intelligence experts would say that you need to increase your awareness of the effect you have on others and then modulate your behavior if it isn’t the effect you want. As a leader, you may want to increase motivation in your people and you are finding out that physical intimidation—real or perceived—doesn’t accomplish that. So, what do you do? Curbing your physical habits would be a good start. The science of motivation is extremely advanced now. I would recommend Susan Fowler’s book Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work and What Does. Susan says that people find their sweet spot when they have the right amount of autonomy, relatedness, and competence. I would submit that your physical habits decrease the sense of relatedness your people have with you, and as a result they are not motivated to go the extra mile for you.

To start managing your physical habits, I would recommend a four-step approach. “Four steps,” you say? “Nonsense, I just need to be disciplined and get to it.” Well, maybe, but you will have a much better result if you approach this thoughtfully and deliberately.

1. Observe how other respected and effective senior executives manage their physicality. Notice how they move, sit, stand, and manage the space in informal groupings. Pay attention to how these people make their point when they feel strongly about it. Notice what these folks do in situations where you would normally pull out that terrifying finger. This will be quite entertaining and educational. You will have an opportunity to also observe behavior that isn’t effective, so be sure to weed that from your repertoire. While you are observing others, also observe yourself. Notice what you do naturally that can be effective and what you do that tends to cause alarm in others.
2. Begin a practice that helps you to calm down. A cocktail at the end of the day doesn’t count, sorry. Do yoga, tai chi, qigong, or walk around the block breathing deeply. Meditate for six minutes a day—there are about five million free apps for this. Sit quietly, breathing in for five counts and then out for five counts. If you Google breathing exercises you will find many extremely easy and effective variations. Choose something. Anything. Nipping back habits is stressful—especially habits you engage in when under stress—but you have to find ways to manage it.
3. Start practicing new physical moves in safe environments. Try stuff out with your family. It sounds like they have your number, and also your best interests at heart. They may tease you mercilessly, but taking yourself a little less seriously will only improve things right now.
4. Try your new stuff out at work. The test will be when there is stress, such as a looming deadline, a costly mistake, an unhappy customer…whatever. Your finger will itch. You will want to do all of the things you normally do to feel powerful and in control. So you’d better have your practice to lean on. Breathe. Feel your feet. Keep your hands folded loosely on your lap. Keep your face free of tension.

You can do it, FG, because it matters to your long-term success—which you obviously care a lot about. You will notice a difference very quickly, which will be motivating. Breathe.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am a team lead (the youngest, thank you very much) in a fast and fun Silicon Valley startup.

Everything was fine until I was made a lead. The problem: I am just too smart. I know that sounds terrible, but it is true. I actually have an IQ of about 170, and people around me can’t keep up.

I have received feedback that I tend to push my ideas on others—and it’s true, because mine are the best ones. But I can never get anyone else to see my point of view. I am super creative and a fast thinker and I generate ideas quickly. I know I need to inspire others to join me in my vision and I also learn to respect others’ ideas more and create an environment of collaboration.

On team projects in school, I just did everybody else’s work because I couldn’t stand how slow and mediocre people were, but that isn’t going to work here. I am aware that I sound like a big jerk, but I honestly don’t know what to do about it.

Too Smart for My Own Good

Dear Too Smart,

Well, you have come to the right place. My first coaching company was devoted to creative geniuses, so I worked with a lot of people like you. I can feel your pain—not because I am like you, but because I have coached so many who are. I have a couple of ideas that may help you understand your situation and also some behaviors to try on that may help you be more effective, long term. No one wants to work for a big jerk, but everyone wants to work for someone brilliant. The good news about being such a smarty is that you can leverage your considerable intelligence to expand your repertoire of behaviors.

First, you need to understand temperament theory. Temperament theory will help you understand how you are different from others, why it matters, and what you can do about it. Your high intelligence is only part of the problem. In fact, once you understand how you need to modulate your own behavior, it will become a strength to leverage. Here are two different sources for you to go to. Each author uses different language to express the four temperaments.

David Keirsey’s site (he wrote a book called Please Understand Me):

https://www.keirsey.com/sorter/register.aspx

Linda Berens’s site:

http://lindaberens.com/resources/methodology-articles/temperament-theory/

You may very well be surrounded by people who are as smart as you but who are driven by different needs and who communicate differently than you do. I would bet money on your being a Rational temperament (Keirsey’s language). The core needs for a Rational are self-control, mastery, and competence. I created this list for a class on temperament:

You might be a Rational if you:

1. 1. Follow only the rules that make sense
   2. Often feel surrounded by idiots
   3. Have been accused of being cold
   4. Compete mostly with yourself
   5. Have a hard time when people don’t get it
   6. Were on the debate team
   7. Have a regular chess game
   8. Regularly wonder how something isn’t obvious to all
   9. Often think of work as play, when in the right job
   10. Tend to focus on the future

Sound familiar? People with Rational temperament are often seen by others as cold, condescending, unemotional, calculating, elitist, patronizing, and unrealistic.

Once you have a sense of your own temperament, you will understand the needs you are getting met with your ineffective behavior and how you are seen by others. Then you can understand other people’s temperament and how you may have to change your communication style so that they can relate to what you are saying. This will be a lot of work for you, but I guarantee it will change the way you approach everything and everyone—and you will be really happy you did it.

Second, stop being a jerk. You can do it. Exercise more, meditate, breathe, count to infinity, or do whatever you need to do to be more patient. You must understand that it is the job of the leader to adapt to the people they are leading. So, it is your job to meet people where they are, listen to their ideas, and generally evoke the best from them. This is a tall order and it requires a lot of self-regulation. You are young and this requires maturity, but it will keep you from becoming a monster. I recommend that you simply start with asking instead of telling. Listening to your people and repeat back what you hear. Listen more than you talk, stop interrupting people, and, for the love of Pete, stop rolling your eyes. How do I know you are rolling your eyes? I just know—and so does everyone else who has ever worked for someone like you.

There is hope for you. Go forth and use those smarts to expand the ways you are intelligent. There will be no stopping you.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Here are some commonly overused leadership habits and alternatives we might put in their place.

Giving Advice.  I love Benjamin Franklin’s quote about giving advice: “Wise men don’t need advice.  Fools won’t take it.”  Instead of jumping to give advice, consider asking questions to draw out the brilliance of the other person. Facilitate them finding their own answers.  It will require some practice with open-ended questioning and real listening, but doing this keeps the other person front and center in discovering their own wisdom.

Problem Solving.  Instead of sharing your own “winning ways,” consider empowering the other person to find their own answers.  In coaching we call this letting the other person do the heavy lifting.  What’s amazing is that when someone does their own heavy lifting, they are usually much more invested in the actions and outcomes.  No, you didn’t get to provide solutions, but you also didn’t add anything to your own to-do list—which can often happen if you are the problem solver.

Being the Devil’s Advocate.  I used to work for a manager who always played the devil’s advocate.  I knew he did it in an attempt to bring out our best on projects we were working on—but, boy oh boy, was it draining.  Instead, consider Ken Blanchard’s advice and spend your time catching people doing things right. I know when someone catches me doing something right, it feels so good I start thinking about what else I could do to keep that feeling going. And as a friend of mine said, who wants to work for the devil’s advocate, anyway?

Giving advice, problem solving, and helping people consider alternatives all have their place in a manager’s toolkit—just don’t overdo it. Replacing our old tried-and-true ways is never easy.  But if we are willing to consider change, to behave more intentionally, and to be patient with ourselves while we practice, we can empower others like nobody’s business.  They will be grateful and really appreciate to us for what we are often not doing.  And who wouldn’t like to do less and get—and give—more?

About the Author

Joanne Maynard is a senior coach with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Many are service oriented and find joy in helping others achieve their dreams. Some enjoy the entrepreneurial aspect of owning their own business and having the freedom to work with as many or as few clients as they desire. Still others work in corporate organizations and have been tasked with coaching others.

Regardless of why one comes to coaching, the mindset of the coach is the foundation on which great coaching occurs. Here are three fundamental coaching beliefs to ensure your best possible mindset.

Trust that the person being coached is resourceful, capable, and brilliant. A coach’s job is to bring forth those qualities so that the client can move toward achieving their goal.

Believe that people can change. Even those most resistant to change can grow and learn. It is the job of the coach to believe for the client until they can believe on their own.

Show up fully present and ready to engage. The people you are coaching are overwhelmed, tired, scared, excited, nervous, joyful, distracted—sometimes all at once! As a coach, how you show up can make a huge difference.

Even when these beliefs are present, how do you create the proper mindset? A little bit of self coaching can go a long way. Here are five techniques that can help.

1. Take a deep breath. Now take another.
2. Ask yourself: “How do I want to show up for my client today?”
3. Read your notes, remind yourself of what your client is focused on, and be ready to discuss it.
4. Greet your client with joy. Look FORWARD to coaching!
5. Say to yourself: “My client is fabulous. We are going to have a great coaching session today!”

Think of a coaching mindset this way: it is a perpetuating reality that you create for yourself. You get to choose what to think and how to feel. That mindset then becomes part of what makes you a great coach!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

I share this because I’ve been reading some interesting articles lately from the field of metaphysics. The research suggests we create our own reality by what we think. We conceptualize those thoughts in language. It’s the language I want to explore with you today.

In their book Crunch Time, Judd Hoekstra and Rick Peterson explore the concept of reframing. They tell an amazing baseball story about a critical moment where reframing made all the difference. In metaphysical terms, it’s simple: change your thoughts to change your world.

A few years ago, one of our Blanchard coaches was working with a client who was about to present in front of her board of directors for a high stakes project. She was terrified that she’d throw up, stammer, blunder, and maybe even lose funding for the whole project. Her internal language was squarely focused on fear.

The coach helped her client shift that internal language to create a new reality—one in which she was the most qualified expert to share with interested and caring people how a bit more funding would have a far-reaching effect. The coach encouraged her to envision herself after the meeting, chatting easily with board members, smiling, laughing, and happily answering questions.  As a result, her inner voice went from a screaming demon to an encouraging counselor.

It’s not easy to create a whole new universe. In fact, it can be a lifelong effort to shift the language of our inner voice and thereby shift what we believe to be possible.

So think about this: what might you ponder on, say to yourself, or ask of yourself to shift your universe and build your new and improved reality? Then practice, practice, practice!

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

But how does this really occur? Certainly not with the coach standing there, bullhorn in hand, yelling at the leader to stay on task.

Instead, the coach listens carefully to what really matters to the leader and helps the leader connect the meaning to the activity.

I’ll give you an example. I recently worked with two leaders in different organizations who needed to improve their expense report process. Each was frustrated by a system they saw as unnecessarily complicated and burdensome.

How did each leader determine the best strength to use to get those pesky expense reports completed? Through positive psychology coaching. Founded at the turn of this century, positive psychology is the scientific study of the strengths that enable individuals to thrive. The field is founded on the belief that people want to:

• lead meaningful and fulfilling lives,
• cultivate what is best within themselves, and
• enhance their experiences in all aspects of their lives.

Through coaching, both of these leaders successfully addressed the process of completing their expense reports on time, but in very different ways: for one, it meant employing the strength of perseverance. For the other, it centered on the strength of gratitude.

Both of these strengths were identified by using the Values In Action survey. This is a scientifically validated tool that looks at 24 character strengths and rank orders the strengths of an individual through self-reporting. The VIA survey of character strengths has been taken by more than four million people and can be accessed here: www.viacharacter.org. Character strengths are positive personality core capacities for thinking, feeling, and behaving in ways that can bring benefit to oneself and others—not only at work but also in personal relationships.

The leader with the signature strength of perseverance used the fact that he takes satisfaction in completing tasks and applied that valuable perspective to his expense reports. The other leader focused on her strength of gratitude to get her reports done: she channeled her appreciation for the people who processed the reports as well as the gratitude she felt that her organization supported her travel as well as her training.

How about you? What would your day look like if you led with your signature strengths?

Leaders who purposefully employ a strengths-based approach show greater engagement in their activities including a sense of ownership and authenticity, a rapid learning curve as the strength is applied, and—key to the leaders above—an intrinsic motivation to use the strength.

If you develop the habit of consciously applying your strengths, I suggest you’ll find yourself fueled with a clean source of energy that is unique to you. Take the VIA survey and find out!

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 120 coaches have worked with over 15,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

“As a leader, you need to be on your best behavior all of the time,” says coaching expert Madeleine Blanchard.  “What’s unfortunate is that just when a leader needs increased self awareness, the quality of honest feedback they receive plummets.

“As the leader assumes increased power, followers in the organization start to modify the feedback they provide.  Feedback is more positive.  The boss’s jokes are always funny and their ideas are always good. People begin to suck up to power in a way that distorts reality for the successful executive, who no longer receives the straight scoop.”

“That can lead to blind spots, especially in the areas of communication and trust,” says Randy Conley.  As trust practice leader for The Ken Blanchard Companies, Conley has seen how leaders can struggle—and how they often can be unaware of how they are coming across to others.

“The problems can usually be traced back to one of four areas,” explains Conley.  “A leader’s style can cause negative perceptions of their Ability, Believability, Connectedness, or Dependability.  Negative perceptions in any of these four areas can lead to decreased trust.

That’s why Conley recommends that leaders take the time to conduct a trust audit, which helps them evaluate where they currently stand, make amends where necessary, and modify their behavior going forward.

“It’s a three-step process where leaders assess their current behavior, apologize if they need to, and act more consistently.

“Assessing behavior involves looking at your conduct in four areas,” explains Conley. “In our Building Trust training program we have leaders look at how they are perceived by others in terms of being Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable.  A problem in any one of these four areas will have a negative impact on relationships and the ability of people to work together successfully.

“Able refers to how people see you as being competent in your role.  Do people think you have the skills and experience to get the job done?  Sometimes it is a perception issue; sometimes it is a gap in experience.  Either way, it needs to be addressed.

“Believable is always a perception issue—do you act in ways that are consistent with someone who is honest, truthful, and forthcoming?  This can be a challenge for leaders as they move up in an organization and feel it necessary to share some information on a need-to-know basis.  The problem is that people may perceive the leader is hiding information or not being completely transparent.

“Connected is the relationship aspect of trust.  Do you demonstrate that you care about people—or do you come across as all business?  Working together requires a heart and head connection.  In addition to following you for logical reasons, people also want to follow you for emotional reasons.  Leaders need to check their style and make sure that they aren’t coming across as cold or aloof.

“Dependable means following through on your good intentions.  This trips up a lot of well meaning executives—especially the people pleasers who can’t say ‘no.’  They overcommit themselves and start missing deadlines. They are often surprised to discover how this diminishes people’s trust that they will do what they promise.”

Both Conley and Blanchard caution leaders to be prepared to act on gaps uncovered by the trust audit.

“Make sure you are ready for what you hear,” says Blanchard.  “When you invite people to discuss these potentially sensitive areas, you have to be ready to listen.  Feedback is a gift.  There are only two things an executive should say when they receive feedback—either “thank you” or “tell me more.”

Also, explains Conley, be ready to acknowledge and apologize when necessary.

“You have to own up to areas where you have fallen short. In our program, we train that the most important part of apologizing is being completely sincere—don’t explain, rationalize, or make it the other person’s problem.”

“It’s a simple concept, but one that leaders screw up all the time,” adds Blanchard.  “How many times have we heard a senior leader qualify an apology by saying, ‘I’m sorry if my behavior made you feel that way,’ or by explaining, ‘I was only trying to…’

“Less is more when it comes to apologies,” explains Blanchard. “Just say ‘I’m sorry. I hope you will forgive me for the way I have acted in the past.’ If you need to say more, save it for the next step when you explain how you will act differently in the future.”

“Most leaders are trustworthy.  It’s just their behavior that gets in the way sometimes,” says Conley.

Interested in learning more about adding trust and coaching skills into a leadership development curriculum?  Be sure to check out the Building Trust or Coaching Essentials pages on the Blanchard website.

You can also download copies of the new eBooks

 Do Your Managers Build or Erode Trust

 Great Leaders Don’t Tell You What to Do—They Develop Your Capabilities

Trustworthy behavior leads to trusting relationships. With increased awareness, the willingness to hear feedback, and the humility to apologize for times when trust has been broken, leaders can take a huge leap toward building the types of relationships where people work together to move the organization forward!

“We’ve worked with more than 15,000 leaders since we opened the Coaching Services division back in 2000. Much of our work deals with helping people first understand the impact of their natural tendencies and habits and then sharpen their communication skills.”

In a recent interview for the November issue of Ignite, Blanchard recommends three basics as a starting point for leaders looking to improve—goal setting, listening, and feedback.

“Most leaders aren’t as good at setting goals as they think they are. It seems so obvious and simple, but it actually takes a lot of imagination and creative brain power. Leaders often think direct reports should already know what they need to do and should be able to set their own goals, but unless people are taught how to do it and given some solid support, it just doesn’t happen. Very few people have their goals written down and chunked into deliverables, with specific timelines.”

Listening is another area where leaders fall short, in Blanchard’s experience.

“Many leaders think that the most senior person should do most of the talking, when it really is the other way around. When employees are free to express themselves they ultimately learn more, become more innovative, and get better at problem solving. I have a big red stop sign in my office with the word WAIT printed on it in big letters—it stands for Why Am I Talking?” Because when I am talking, I am not listening—and as a coach and a leader, listening is what I need to be doing.

Feedback is a continual trouble spot for leaders.  Blanchard recommends that leaders ask themselves a key question before deciding to address the issue.

“Try this. Before providing feedback on performance, ask yourself this question: Am I delivering this feedback because it is something my direct report needs to hear—or is this just something I feel I need to say? If it is something you feel you need to say because you have a strong opinion or because you just want to vent, do it—but not with your direct report. Share it with your own boss or with your coach, spouse, or therapist. It’s your issue—not your employee’s.”

Blanchard cautions that this doesn’t mean leaders should be talking about an employee’s issue with others. She makes it clear that feedback on performance needs to be delivered directly to the person involved.

“I am very upfront with my people. I promise that any feedback I have for them will be shared only with them. That’s a fundamental coaching ethic. I’m also clear that I expect the same in return. If they have an issue with me, I insist they discuss it directly with me. If either of us is discussing feedback issues with others, we are gossiping—and that is damaging to our relationship and to the organization.”

You can read more of Blanchard’s recommendations for leaders—including a final area that needs to be addressed—by accessing the complete November issue of Ignite.

PS: Also check out the complimentary webinar Blanchard is conducting to help leaders become more coach-like in their conversations with their people.  The event is free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Frankenboss

With Halloween just four days away, I told my wife that I wanted to write an article about the bad, clueless behaviors that make a leader a “Frankenboss” (see definition above). Sadly enough, it only took us about 3 minutes to brainstorm the following list. If any of these describe your leadership style, you might want to take a look in the mirror and examine the face that’s peering back at you…you might have bolts growing out the sides of your neck.

You might be a Frankenboss if you…

1. Lose your temper – Some leaders think by yelling or cursing at employees they are motivating them. Baloney! Losing your temper only shows a lack of maturity and self-control. There’s no room for yelling and screaming in today’s workplace. Our society has finally awoken to the damaging effects of bullying in our school system so why should it be any different at work? No one should have to go to work and fear getting reamed out by their boss. If you have troubles controlling your temper then do something to fix it.

2. Don’t follow through on your commitments – One of the quickest ways to erode trust with your followers is to not follow through on commitments. As a leader, your people look to you to see what behavior is acceptable. If you have a habit of not following through on your commitments, it sends an unspoken message to your team that it’s OK for them to not follow through on their commitments either.

3. Don’t pay attention, multi-task, or aren’t “present” in meetings – Some studies say that body language accounts for 50-70% of communication. Multi-tasking on your phone, being preoccupied with other thoughts and priorities, or simply exhibiting an attitude of boredom or impatience in meetings, sends the message to your team that you’d rather be any place else than meeting with them. It’s rude and disrespectful to your team to act that way. If you can’t be fully engaged and devote the time and energy needed to meet with your team, then be honest with them and work to arrange your schedule so you can give them 100% of your focus. They deserve it.

4. Are driven by your Ego – The heart of leadership is about giving, not receiving. Self-serving leaders may be successful in the short-term, but they won’t be able to create a sustainable followership over time. I’m not saying it isn’t important for leaders to have a healthy self-esteem, because if you don’t, it’s going to be hard to generate the self-confidence needed to lead assertively. But there is a difference between self-confidence and egoism. Ken Blanchard likes to say that selfless leaders don’t think less of themselves, they just think about themselves less.

5. Avoid conflict – Successful leaders know how to effectively manage conflict in their teams. Conflict in and of itself is not a bad thing, but our culture tends to have a negative view of conflict and dismisses the benefits of creativity, better decision-making, and innovation that it can bring. Frankenbosses tend to either completely avoid conflict by sweeping issues under the rug, or they go to the extreme by making a mountain out of every molehill. Good leaders learn how to diagnose the situation at hand and use the appropriate conflict management style.

6. Don’t give feedback – Your people need to know how they’re performing, both good and bad. A hallmark of trusted leaders is their open communication style. They share information about themselves, the organization, and they keep their employees apprised of how they’re performing. Meeting on a quarterly basis to review the employee’s goals and their progress towards attaining those goals is a good performance management practice. It’s not fair to your employees to give them an assignment, never check on how they’re doing, and then blast them with negative feedback when they fail to deliver exactly what you wanted. It’s Leadership 101 – set clear goals, provide the direction and support the person needs, provide coaching and feedback along the way, and then celebrate with them when they achieve the goal.

7. Micromanage – Ugh…even saying the word conjures up stress and anxiety. Micromanaging bosses are like dirty diapers – full of crap and all over your a**. The source of micromanagement comes from several places. The micromanager tends to think their way is the best and only way to do the task, they have control issues, they don’t trust others, and generally are not good at training, delegating, and letting go of work. Then they spend their time re-doing the work of their subordinates until it meets their unrealistic standards and they go around complaining about how overworked and stressed-out they are! Knock it off! A sign of a good leader is what happens in the office when you’re not there. Are people fully competent in the work? Is it meeting quality standards? Are they behaving like good corporate citizens? Micromanagers have to learn to hire the right folks, train them to do the job the right way, monitor their performance, and then get out of their way and let them do their jobs.

8. Throw your team members under the bus – When great bosses experience success, they give the credit to their team. When they encounter failure, they take personal responsibility. Blaming, accusing, or making excuses is a sign of being a weak, insecure leader. Trusted leaders own up to their mistakes, don’t blame others, and work to fix the problem. If you’re prone to throwing your team members under the bus whenever you or they mess up, you’ll find that they will start to withdraw, take less risk, and engage in more CYA behavior. No one likes to be called out in front of others, especially when it’s not justified. Man up and take responsibility.

9. Always play by the book – Leadership is not always black and white. There are a lot of gray areas when it comes to being a leader and the best ones learn to use good judgment and intuition to handle each situation uniquely. There are some instances where you need to treat everyone the same when it comes to critical policies and procedures, but there are also lots of times when you need to weigh the variables involved and make tough decisions. Too many leaders rely upon the organizational policy manual so they don’t have to make tough decisions. It’s much easier to say “Sorry, that’s the policy” than it is to jump into the fray and come up with creative solutions to the problems at hand.

10. You practice “seagull” management – A seagull manager is one who periodically flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everyone, and then flies away. Good leaders are engaged with their team members and have the pulse of what’s going on in the organization. That is much harder work than it is to be a seagull manager, but it also earns you much more respect and trust from your team members because they know you understand what they’re dealing with on a day-to-day basis and you have their best interests in mind.

I’m sure you’ve had your own personal experiences with a Frankenboss. What other behaviors would you add to this list? Feel free to leave a comment and share your thoughts.

Randy Conley is the Vice President of Client Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. His LeaderChat posts appear the fourth or last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

A leader’s role, while serving as a role model of performance and development, is to help others accomplish objectives.  Anyone who is striving to be an effective leader, the role of the mirror is key! Leaders who are aware of their own behaviors and emotional intelligence are able to influence effectively, build deep connections with others, and intentionally serve as an inspiring example.

However, even when identified, adopting a new behavior is not always easy. Have you ever tried adopting a new behavior such as asking open-ended questions before offering a solution? Or adapting your communication style to the style of the receiver? Or sharing your thoughts rather than remaining silent?

Most of these behaviors are challenging for leaders—and this is exactly the type of objectives professional coaches work on with clients. Here, for example, are some of the communication behavior goals I’ve worked on with my clients.

• Communication Goal: Developing new behaviors that open up lines of communication instead of shutting them down.
• Listening Goal: Managing the tendency to provide solutions rather than ask open-ended questions from a curiosity perspective to promote self problem solving.
• Executive Presence Goal: Learning how to manage emotions to increase confidence, credibility, communication, conciseness, and composure.

A quick check in the mirror is a good first step toward identifying and altering leadership behaviors that might be holding you back. In addition, working with a coach is a great way to double-check the accuracy of your perceptions and get going in the right direction.

If you want to continue to develop as a leader, you must be willing to look in the mirror on a regular basis—to reach deep down into the depths of your soul to identify values, motivators, and behaviors. When was the last time you took a good look?

Could you be more effective as a leader? Take a deep breath, open your mind, and repeat after me: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall…”

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Continuing this theme, another primary dance we may find our clients in is between someone who may be the middle person in a situation who is torn between two end people—for example, a manager who is in the middle between someone on their team and a senior leader.

This challenging relationship can be made even more complex when there happen to be multiple people at each end.  Individuals or parties at the ends have their own agenda and will look to a common party—the middle person—to help support their cause by influencing the other end or ends.

If you are a coach, this scenario may sound quite familiar.  Managers often find themselves in the middle between a person or people on their team and a senior leader.  It’s important for us to know these patterns that emerge in relationships—especially when they aren’t helpful.

Here is a little more information relating to this second “Dance”:

People at the ends who feel unsupported may see themselves as victims. They can become inflexible and put their faith in the middle person to be a liaison who they think can get the best deal for them and their cause.

People in the middle often feel burdened. Interestingly, for some, this role may actually become somewhat addictive. Someone in the middle role may enjoy being needed by both end parties and may relish the trust and insight gained from both sides.  The potential danger is in not pleasing or helping either side, or even encouraging the toxic relationship, if the person in the middle is unaware of the dance they are doing.

As a coach, do you ever go into rescue mode before taking a step back to look at any game the client may unconsciously be playing?  Commonly, coaches feel the urge to take on an executive’s burden—sometimes working even harder than the client is working. The coach goes into rescue mode, creating a brand new end-middle-end pattern.  But the role of coach should be that of a human mirror. In this case, we may need to figuratively hold our clients’ feet to the fire to help them recognize the relational game they are playing. In doing so, we help them move toward healthier relationships.

Here are three tips to consider as coaches:

• Use your coach position in the middle to help the executive at one end uncover information about the other end—whether it be a team member, their boss, or someone else.
• Hold the executive accountable for owning the solutions and decisions.
• Remember that our role as coach is secondary. The primary focus needs to be the relationship between the middle person and the people on both ends.

When we can perceive the existence of these relationship “dances,” we can move to healthier interactions where trust and creativity are fostered for both the people we serve and ourselves.

About the Author

Judith Donin is a Senior Consulting Partner and Professional Services Mentor for North America with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Judith’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Unfortunately, most leaders don’t realize that this first step, knowing yourself, should never end.

Why? Because as you grow and develop as a human being and as a leader, aspects of you will inevitably change—as is the nature of growth and development.

As a result, the knowledge of who you are can become outdated quickly.

It may be surprising to find out that even the building blocks of your physical being change quite frequently. Find out more here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQVmkDUkZT4

When was the last time you took some time for self-discovery?

As a leader, remember to make time periodically to rediscover yourself and figure out how you’ve changed and grown.

It’s a great way to measure your development progress, to better understand who you are, and to determine how you can best serve your direct reports.

It’s a phenomenon that is quite common in many organizations—one that business author Barry Oshry describes as the “Dance of the Blind Reflex” in his book Seeing Systems: Unlocking the Mysteries of Organizational Life.

Oshry’s contention is that leaders and direct reports can become locked into a dysfunctional, self-sustaining cycle when each group has behavior patterns that are the result of unconscious behaviors in the other group. For example, leaders complain about the burdens of extensive responsibility but cling to that power for fear that a planned system or change initiative will fail. And frontline workers complain about non-involvement, oppression, and lack of responsibility while they cling to the same things.

Might this dysfunctional dance be occurring in your organization? Here are some of the telltale signs.

At the senior leader level:

Leaders worry about losing control during change—that their team won’t feel as responsible, skilled, or passionate as the leader does. As the leader’s fears and responsibilities increase, they worry about letting their people down and compensate by taking even more responsibility away from direct reports. Signs leaders must watch for in themselves include:

• Checking up, not checking in, on team members
• Frustration in thinking that the team doesn’t care

As a result, these leaders lie awake at night thinking about what they still have to accomplish on a never ending to-do list.

At the frontline level:

The perceived lack of trust, respect, sensitivity, and insight from their leader frustrates team members and they yield responsibility quickly. They feel they have no role in the change and have lost their autonomy and their value. When this occurs, they begin to withdraw, self-preservation kicks in, and they simply keep their heads down and do what leaders say. Typical behaviors include:

• Increased scrutiny on what leaders are doing and not doing
• Anger and resentment at having things done to them—instead of with them

If these underlying beliefs are not surfaced and acknowledged, organizational culture can remain stuck in this cycle. But it doesn’t have to go that way. Here are some strategies to help interrupt this dance.

1. When a one-on-one relationship feels inequitable, each person needs to notice their language and thoughts as they converse and ask themselves: What is my intent and how might my words be misinterpreted?
2. Leaders need to think about how they are dragging the responsibility upward rather than across their team.
3. Direct reports need to think about how to repackage their message so that the leader recognizes their honorable intentions and willingness to accept responsibility.
4. Finally, both sides need to understand that these behaviors are often subtle and hard to self-diagnose and consider enlisting a qualified coach to help identify patterns and develop an action plan.

Note to coaches: Remember—you are not immune to the Dance of the Blind Reflex and can actually become an unwitting dance partner. Are you working harder in your sessions than your client is? Are you taking on their burdens? If so, you may want to consider changing the record and dancing to a different tune.

About the Author

Judith Donin is a Senior Consulting Partner and Professional Services Mentor for North America with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Judith’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I am in my early 30s, new to management but with 11 years’ experience in high profile financial roles—private equity, investment banking—coupled with an MBA from a top school.

I work for a midsized nonprofit as executive director of their affordable housing division comprising two functions. I run one function and a director named “Sarah” runs the other, which has 100 employees.

Sarah reports to me. She is in her mid-40s and has 25 years of experience in the industry—two with our firm. She barely finished high school but grew her career over a few decades with, no doubt, hard work. She is very good at her job. Sarah also carries a considerable amount of emotional baggage as she has been a victim of domestic abuse and poverty in the past—experiences that make her an authentic nurturer to the low income residents we work with. Please note that Sarah was involved in the hiring process for my position.

On my second day in this new role, Sarah entered my office to vent about an issue involving our department and an employee of another department. It was clear to me the issue stemmed from this employee’s lack of specific training. When Sarah made it clear she had no solution to the problem, I asked her if she thought this employee would benefit from training in this particular issue. Sarah’s face turned red and she stormed out of my office and into hers, closing the door. I approached her after a 15-minute cool down and she asserted that I was taking the side of this external employee. She also stated that when she is angered, she prefers to leave the situation. I asked her to consider talking through her frustration with me next time.

Day seven on my job, Sarah and I had our first formal one-on-one meeting. We reviewed some minor proposed changes to our mission statement, at her request. We had agreed to pick two or three versions and let our CEO give direction from there. After listening to her thoughts and putting a few of them on the list, I offered my off-the-cuff version—a near duplicate of our parent company’s mission statement. Sarah immediately said my version was a nonstarter for her and she would never work for an organization with that mission statement.

I asked Sarah to expand on her perspective. Once again, her face went red and she said, “You are so frustrating, I don’t even know what to say to you.” I could feel another walkout coming on, so I sat forward in my chair and said, in a gentle yet serious tone, that we needed to find a way to handle conflict in a healthy and respectful manner. She went quiet and the meeting ended shortly thereafter.

I was called into the CEO’s office later that morning. Sarah had reported to him that when I leaned forward in my chair, because of her background of domestic violence, her instinct told her I was going to attack her. I explained the situation, highlighted her walkout from day two, and asked for the CEO’s guidance. He told me I needed to earn people’s respect, be accommodating to interpretations of my behavior, and, essentially, tread lightly around Sarah.

Over the next few months, my relationship with Sarah improved only slightly but was cordial. The CEO continued to reinforce to me that I was to be no more than an open door and check signer to Sarah. This confused me as it is a direct contradiction to my job description—and the board looks to me as the executive director of the entire group. Sarah also highlighted to me a few times, including once in front of top executives, that I have no idea what goes into her job.

This toxic relationship is painful, and even worse is my CEO’s lack of support. I am sure it stems from his fear of losing Sarah—she is very good at her job and would be hard to replace.

This is the most confusing and anxiety-producing environment I have ever been in. If it continues, either: 1) I’ll get fired, 2) I’ll quit, 3) Sarah will quit, or 4) we will endure a painful existence together and the toxicity will grow.

What are my options?

Feeling Young and Dumb

Dear Feeling Young and Dumb,

Never underestimate the fury of the person passed over for the top job after years of excellent performance. As you said—twice—Sarah is very good at her job. People who do well at their jobs expect the big promotion. The fact that a whippersnapper Ivy League MBA born with a silver spoon in his mouth (which is, I am certain, her assessment) ended up with the job is probably eating her alive with resentment. That is the real issue here. It’s not important whether or not she was involved with your hiring. This is not rational—and the truth is, you will probably never win with her. It doesn’t help matters that you clearly feel superior to her, which I deduced from the language you used about her education and background.

We tend to think that if we are kind and respectful, people won’t be able to tell if we have contempt for them—but we are wrong. People, like dogs, know it when you don’t like them or when you have some kind of judgment about them. Even if you show zero signs of the condescension you obviously feel, Sarah is going to sense it and feel threatened. So one thing you might try is taking a cold hard look at yourself. Examine your nonverbal behaviors including facial expressions—even the teeniest ones—as well as the language you use that might give away that you know you’re smarter and more educated than she is. And just so you know: because you do this with her, you probably do it with others as well. Now would be an excellent time in your career to get a handle on what could be a career limiting character flaw.

I appreciate that you feel you are in an impossible position, because you pretty much are. Sarah is not only deeply aggrieved, but also dedicated to seeing you fail—and she probably doesn’t even realize it. Everything you tell me about her history and her behavior points to a downward spiral and puts her in a fight-or-flight state whenever you are near. Your CEO’s advice may be confusing, but he is right—and you have to follow it if you want to keep this situation from devolving further. As you implied, Sarah will be harder to replace than you will. The only way you are going to earn her trust is to back off and stay out of her way. A few months? I would say it will take you a minimum of three years of staying out of her way and you may just win her over. Your assessment of the four options sounds about right, although I would add a fifth: Find ways to add value to the organization and prove your worth in ways that do not involve Sarah or her group. This may be difficult, but it is your best bet if you want to stay with the organization.

I am afraid I am being awfully tough on you, and for that I am truly sorry. This is a really hard situation. There is a good chance you won’t be able to find a way to win, but what would be really tragic is if you didn’t learn an awful lot about yourself and others in the process. Growth experiences are usually fairly painful, and this is certainly one of those.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

• I thought I needed to have all of the answers
• I thought I needed to be authoritative and hard otherwise people wouldn’t respect me
• I followed all of the rules & guidelines the company set to the T, 100% of the time
• I never really listened or was open to be persuaded
• I shied away from conflict, until it blew up in my face
• The company set the goals which were very day-to-day focused, e.g., call handling times, etc. I never as a manager set any long term goals for my team or development goals, I simply followed the script, mainly because I didn’t know any different.
• We didn’t celebrate achievements enough.

Knowing what I know now, there are lots of things I would have done differently in my first time manager role. I won’t write them all, because I could be here for days but I’ve noted just a few a below.

• Breathe – You don’t have to answer everybody’s questions straight away. Take five minutes to reflect and stay calm even when stressed.
• Listen – Not just for the sake of letting others talk, but really listen to what people are saying. Be open to being persuaded.
• I wouldn’t have pretended to be something I wasn’t. I am not hard faced and authoritative, quite the opposite. People see through masks, I would have told my truth about who I am, and what I expect from the team.
• I would have set clear expectations and goals for my team, to help them grow and develop. Worked hard to create growth opportunities for my team.
• I would have told myself – Don’t take things so personally! I know that’s easier said than done but I used to beat myself up about not being everything to everyone. Remember you are only human.
• When things weren’t going to plan with the team or team member, I would’ve dealt with the situation there and then and thought about my words very carefully. Asked them about what went wrong, ensure no judgement or blame.
• Asked for help. Quite often in life, we are ashamed to ask for help. I don’t know why, because everyone in life at some point needs direction and or support.

My experience of being a first time manager, and feeling completely overwhelmed happens all of the time. People are promoted because they are good at what they do, many forget that a manager’s role requires a completely different skill set to that of an individual contributor.
What would you have done differently in your first time manager role?  Or if you haven’t been a manager yet, but looking to become one, what is your greatest concern about being a first time manager?
Sarah-Jane Kenny – EMEA Channel Solutions Consultant at the Ken Blanchard Companies

For many of us, true leadership is about being purpose and values driven and putting the needs of those we lead above our own.  We want the heart of a servant leader to be at the core of how we live our lives.

Sometimes it is easy for us to assume that because we want to serve, that we know how to serve.  In our desire to help others we sometimes do not take time to understand what they really need.

Let me give you a personal example. Years ago I was in a conversation with my husband about his job.  He was very frustrated and unhappy.  Trying to be helpful, I went into my consultant role offering what I thought were good suggestions.  His response to me was, “You teach everyone else to listen, why don’t you.”  Ouch—obviously not what he needed even though I was acting with a servant heart.

In Situational Leadership® II (SLII®) we teach leaders how to diagnose the development level of individuals then adjust their leadership style to best serve the needs of the people they work with. We learn that if we go too fast or try to control what someone else does we become, in essence, a micromanager.  Because someone seems to be unsure or has a loss of confidence, we step in thinking we know the answers.  Instead of helping, this often ends up further eroding the other person’s confidence in themselves and their trust in us.  Or we just plain make them mad, like I did with my husband.

To get better at turning our good intentions into effective actions, here are three action steps you can take to make sure your actions are aligned with your intentions.

1. Listen more. Listen with the intent to learn and hear what is truly being said and requested. Be attentive with your body language and/or tone as you acknowledge what you have heard.

2. Take time to fully understand. Explore and ask questions to make sure that you truly understand what the person is talking about. Make sure you are not making assumptions and focusing on what you think they are saying, rather than on what they are truly saying.  Always acknowledge the other person’s point of view.

3. Ask for permission to offer direction. This may be the most critical. Don’t assume you know all the answers.  If you have ideas or thoughts about what the person might do, ask them if it is OK for you to make a suggestion.  They may need to just vent and not be looking for advice at all.

Being a servant leader requires action.  It is about what we do and what we say in relationship to others. In my husband’s case he already knew what he wanted to do.  He did not need me giving him advice.  He just needed to vent. So whether at work or home, when we think we are serving, maybe it is time to just listen and discover what will really assist the other person in meeting their needs. Thus we turn a “serving heart” into “serving actions.”

About the Author

Lynn McCreery is a Senior Consulting Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.

There are a number of definitions for the word pain. For our purpose, let us consider the Old French verb pener, which means “to strive for or endeavor.”

At its most basic purpose, pain is an indicator—a messenger, if you will—from the body to the brain.  It’s uncomfortable. It hurts. So we tend to shy away from it. We want to ignore it, downplay it, medicate against it, and in every way try to block the message.

But consider what would happen if we embraced pain. If we listened to what pain was trying to tell us.  What if we heard a message that shouted, “Strive! Endeavor!”

I recently met with a client who was about to embark on a huge project. As we discussed the outcomes and the mechanics of delivery, she became increasingly quiet. When I asked her what was going on for her, she said, “I’m in pain. My neck hurts and I’m really uncomfortable.”

Then I asked, “What message do you think your body is trying to send?” and she had a realization.  The upcoming work would require new skills, lots of effort, and longer hours—perhaps, in the short term, involving evenings and weekends.  Once we pinned down what was making her so uncomfortable, we were able to focus on how to address these issues. She put a plan in place to ensure she had backup and support, especially in the areas where she felt she wasn’t strong. We also looked for ways to alleviate at least some of the long hours such as dividing up some work, offloading other work, and moving back deadlines that were less critical.

By exploring the underpinning reasons for the pain, she was able to shift into a place of excitement. She was ready to strive. She became excited about the project and ready to endeavor, stretch, and grow.

Pain is a message. It is your body clamoring to be heard.  When you listen, you can discover so much more than if you ignore it.  What are your pain points? What is your body trying to tell you?

About the Author

Patricia Overland is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

• Listen intently and ask yourself what are they asking from you? Sometimes people just need to air their thoughts, sometimes they want some direction from you.
• Make it about them not you! Ask questions to get a better understanding, show you are listening.
• Only speak and share your experiences if it adds value to them. Think, is what you’re about to say going to add value or is it just a way for you to talk about yourself.

When you want to be listened to

• Firstly no one is going to be able to listen attentively to someone who is highly emotional and talks all the time. Emotions can alter the way people listen to you. So if something has immediately annoyed you, take 10 minutes to gather your thoughts before talking about it.
• What do you want to achieve from the conversation? – Tell the person you are speaking too ie.) ‘I just need to vent’, or ‘I need your advice’.
• Ever been in a meeting , walked out and forgotten to say something really important. Write down a couple of key bullet points that you want to discuss to make sure you don’t miss something out.

One last tip – With the world at our fingertips it’s easy to get distracted and try and multitask when someone is talking to you. Don’t do it. There is nothing worse than talking to someone and they are typing away or checking their phone. It’s just rude.
Listening isn’t easy, the first step is awareness: Ask yourself, colleagues, friends and family – Are you a good listener?
Sarah-Jane Kenny – Channel Solutions Consultant at The Ken Blanchard Companies

We spent several days, each taking turns on the hot seat to examine a big goal and troubleshoot the obstacles keeping us from achieving it. The group offered ideas, perspective, and loving support—and, to a person, we all had amazing breakthroughs.

At one of our meals as a fun way to engage all of us in conversation together, I asked a question (a Blanchard tradition, as anyone who has ever shared a meal with a Blanchard will attest). The question was: What is one of your biggest regrets?

We went around the table, each woman answering the question in turn. I was astonished when I realized that every single person had the same essential regret. Each story was different in terms of the details so it took me awhile to grasp that all of the stories were alike in one fundamental way. One woman regretted that she had let a toxic relationship go on too long. For someone else, it was a business venture she had known from the outset was doomed to fail. One person lost a business; another, a staggering amount of money. For me, it was both.

It wasn’t until my turn came that I recognized the common theme. At the root of each regret was that, at the outset, we hadn’t listened to the small voice that piped up in the quiet moments. The voice that said, “Don’t do it—this person does not have your back.” The voice that said, “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” The voice that said, “Stop. Look again. Slow down.” The voice that got buried under the excitement of the moment, the time constraints, the unbridled passion and enthusiasm for an idea, and the clutter of countless daily tasks. The voice of intuition that registered the tiny red flags in an otherwise perfect scenario. The voice of the “gut” that detected a pattern it had experienced before, even if the brilliant brain in our head didn’t. In every single case, stopping the action to avoid what would ultimately be a major life regret would have involved disappointing others, disturbing a well-laid plan—generally upsetting the apple cart.

I would submit that if any of us had been working with a coach at the moment of impact, we might have avoided the heartaches, the headaches, and the losses. A coach would have encouraged us to think through to that extra deep layer. A coach would have heard the uncertainty in our voice and asked what was beneath it. A coach might have noticed the red flags we were unable or unwilling to see ourselves. Where was my amazing coach, who once yelled into the phone “Mad, I am standing up now, that is how strongly I feel that you are making a mistake. I don’t stand up very often, Mad. Mad, are you listening to yourself? Explain to me how this is going to work out well for you!”

Of course, the operative phrase there was: Are you listening to yourself?  This story makes me laugh today. I don’t even remember what I was thinking of doing, but I can guarantee I didn’t do it—and today it’s one regret I don’t have.

Many misconceptions still exist about what a coach really does. I would say one of the most important things they do is help us listen to that small voice we often ignore—the one that keeps us from making terrible mistakes. For those who are moving at lightning speed and juggling responsibilities and opportunities, I really can’t think of a more valuable service.

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

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One day, a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.
On Monday she gave each student his or her list.
Before long, the entire class was smiling. “Really?” she heard whispered. “I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!” and, “I didn’t know others liked me so much,” were most of the comments.
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. The teacher never found out if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn’t matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another.
That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that student.  She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.
As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. “Were you Mark’s math teacher?” he asked. She nodded: “Yes.” Then he said: “Mark talked about you a lot.”
After the funeral, most of Mark’s former classmates went together to lunch. Mark’s mother and father were also there, wanting to speak with his teacher. “We want to show you something,” his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. “They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.”
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times.
The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark’s classmates had said about him.
“Thank you so much for doing that,” Mark’s mother said. “As you can see, Mark treasured it.”
All of Mark’s former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, “I still have my list. It’s in the top drawer of my desk at home.”
Chuck’s wife said, “Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.”
“I have mine too,” Marilyn said. “It’s in my diary”
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. “I carry this with me at all times,” Vicki said.  Without batting an eyelash, she continued, “I think we all saved our lists.”
Tears rolled down the eyes of the humble teacher.  We encounter so many people in our lives, and it’s a precious joy to see the good in all those journeys.

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I shared this story, and my thoughts, with my team in the office – and we had a go at the activity in the story; and what we found in doing so was that people valued the things about us that we often overlook in ourselves. It reminded us all to take the time to appreciate our cooperation, and remember our own worth at the same time.
This story always reminds me that it’s important to value the small things that you like about individuals – we don’t always get along; tensions appear, and friendships can be frayed – but it’s important not to let what’s happening in your life to overshadow, or even color, the way you view other people around you. It reminds me that, even where people don’t get along, you can find something good in someone’s personality; and it also reminds me that sometimes, we’re so busy focusing on doing our jobs, trying to please other people, that we forget to take a step back and see our own value.

This may sound easy, but did you know there are 14 different directive and supportive behaviors? How do leaders know which of these behaviors they use most effectively and which they underutilize? To help with these types of questions, an assessment like Blanchard’s Leader Action Profile II (LAPII) can be invaluable.

The LAPII is a multi-rater assessment that provides clear descriptive feedback on critical leadership behaviors by reporting on:

• an individual’s use of the 14 directive and supportive behaviors
• perceptions of leadership style
• the direct report’s level of satisfaction

An assessment like the LAPII provides a very useful snapshot for leaders. It illustrates their effectiveness in the use of directive and supportive behaviors by comparing results from their self-assessment with those from other raters—usually direct reports. Comparing self-perception against the perceptions of others can be surprising to a leader. After all, leaders know their own intentions—but direct reports can only go by the leader’s observable behaviors.

Reviewing results of an assessment like the LAPII with a Blanchard coach provides leaders the opportunity to design strategies that better align their good intentions with the perceptions of their direct reports. It can make a profound difference when a leader works with a coach to identify one or two behaviors that need work and create an action plan to use those behaviors purposefully.

For example, the LAPII may show a need for the leader to increase the practice of facilitating problem solving—a supportive behavior. The coaching questions could include:

• How can you facilitate your direct reports’ ideas without imposing your own solutions?
• How would your role be different if your people always made good decisions?
• What actions can you take to support your people?

The coach will then encourage the leader to continue practicing the new behavior and to request feedback and support from members of their team.

Wondering if your self-perception as a leader matches up with your people’s perceptions of you? Effective use of an assessment like the LAPII enables leaders to increase self-awareness, make changes if necessary, and move toward improving their leadership in a way that supports and encourages their people.

To learn more, visit the Leader Action Profile page on the Blanchard website.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

1. Chocolate Meditation

We all eat without thinking. Get a piece of chocolate (I prefer dark chocolate because of its health benefits and greate range of flavours!) and put it on your tongue. Spend a few minutes letting it melt – think about the texture and all the flavours you experience.

2. Noting – Using Your Breath

I use this regularly; when I feel stressed or need to take the emotion out of a situation. I also used in recently when I had to take 6 flights within a space of 2 weeks – for those who know me well, you know I passionately dislike flying!
If you have ever studied Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) you will understand that thoughts lead to emotions and potentially negative actions. This is a great way to break that cycle.
Breath in slowly and whilst doing so say (in your head) ‘breathing in’. Then, on your slow out-breath say ‘breathing out’. Repeat just focusing on the breath.
This noting will help you avoid distractions and get in tune with your breath. It will give you a great sense of calm.

2. Happiness – Taking The Time To Be Present

With all the stresses and strains of daily life, we forget about what makes us happy and what we are grateful for. Take 10-15mins to write down what makes you happy and what you are grateful for.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss called me a drama queen the other day. I was offended to the core. When I got home and told my husband, he said, “Well, you kind of are.” 

Now I am really up against it. I admit, I do have a fiery temperament—I take my work very seriously and get really passionate about things. That probably wouldn’t stick out so much except that I am an accountant by profession. I work as a senior leader in finance in a large company and am the only woman at this level. My boss and my peers are a bunch of dry, quiet numbers guys. I don’t fit in with them at all, yet they value my opinions and my work ethic. My team loves me and does amazing work, often going above and beyond. Arrgghh – what to do? –Drama Queen

Dear Drama Queen,

So what?  Seriously—what if you are a drama queen?  Did your boss say you have to change something or is he just poking a little fun? Is it getting in your way of doing an amazing job?  Your team is on track and on point, your opinion is valued, you are respected. The only problem I see is that you have earned a label you don’t like and are taking it personally, which you really don’t need to do.

If you really want to do something, try to establish how the way you are perceived might actually be hurting you professionally. Ask your boss, peers you trust, and even your husband:  “If I am a drama queen, how does it hurt me? How might I change it to be more effective?”  Gather some real intel—and get ready, because you will hear conflicting advice from people.

If you are a shouter, if you use inappropriate language, or if you blow things way out of proportion you will hear about it and you can cut that out. For lesser infractions, once you have a few ideas, choose behavioral modifications you think you can actually manage. As an example, you may try noticing when you are heating up and excuse yourself for a moment. Take a deep breath, count to ten, modulate. I have yet to see anyone succeed at getting a total personality transplant—but if you can apply a modicum of self regulation at certain moments you can call this project a success.

On the other hand, it is a great thing to care and be passionate for ideas, doing the right thing, and making the best decisions—so don’t back down just because you may make some people uncomfortable. As Ken Blanchard says, “You have to take your job seriously but yourself lightly.” Don’t get yourself in too much of a tizzy over this.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

So what’s going on? Well, leaders can sometimes be unaware of what they should and should not be doing. And this lack of awareness separates good leaders from great leaders. Great leaders know that leading is a never-ending journey that can be filled with treacherous obstacles.

So what do you need to know to become a great leader?
 

1. People are unpredictable

Your direct report may not necessarily react the same way each and every time to you. And you yourself may also change from day to day. So always using the same style of leadership may not always yield the best results. Instead, great leaders tailor their approach to each task, situation, and individual to effectively meet the direct report’s needs. So find out how your direct report is doing and what’s going on in his/her life, and then use that knowledge to better inform how you lead him/her.

2. It takes skill

It’s easy to fall into a routine. That’s why we have habits. But as people are unpredictable, you must also be flexible in your style of leadership to be able to match in each unique situation. The best way to do this is to have a learning-oriented mindset, by being on the lookout for new approaches, practicing other styles of leadership to be more flexible, and keeping up-to-date on what’s going on with your direct reports, your organization, and beyond. A great leader will always say, “I have so much left to learn in being a leader!”
 

3. It takes time

Don’t be discouraged if you aren’t able to immediately improve your effectiveness as a leader. Remember, it’s a life-long journey. As with anything, leadership takes time and patience to perfect. And this means you should constantly be trying to improve and grow as an individual. There’s no finish line, but instead a continuous evolution of who you are as a leader, being able to serve your direct reports more and more effectively with each passing day.
 
Image Credit: 1 | 2 | 3

Now ask that same learning professional a second question: “What common mistakes do good leaders make?”

That’s exactly the question that was asked of a network of executive coaches affiliated with The Ken Blanchard Companies. More than 40 coaches from around the world responded.

And while their answers varied depending on their experience and the different cultures they worked in, three common themes emerged. The biggest mistakes good leaders make are:

• An over-focus on the people aspect of the business at the expense of operational necessities
• Trying to solve all of the problems of their people or doing the work themselves
• Neglecting personal growth

An over-focus on the people aspect. In describing behaviors they had seen in their work with executives, the coaches shared several examples. These typically included some form of avoiding hard conversations that need to occur—either by not setting clear expectations or steering clear of difficult feedback. The net result of this conflict-avoiding behavior is a culture that accepts mediocre performance. The key, according to the coaches, is maintaining the correct balance between meeting the needs of people and those of the organization.

Trying to solve all of the problems of their people. Mary Ellen Sailer, a coach who participated in the survey, points out that leaders have a hard time letting go of their identity of being the expert. As she explains, “The leader is often the leader because they are the expert. They are accustomed to being the smartest person in the room. It can be a real challenge to control a lifelong habit of being the solver of all problems.”

Unfortunately, this approach deprives direct reports of the opportunity to grow. It also inadvertently sends a message that the leader doesn’t trust people to solve their own problems.  The coaches suggest leaders find moments when they can let their people figure things out for themselves—even if they do it a little differently from the way the leader might.  It keeps things off the leader’s plate and provides employees with often welcome challenges.

Neglecting personal growth. The third mistake the coaches identified was how easy it is for smart, caring leaders to forgo their own development. When leaders put their own growth on the back burner, it decreases personal engagement and effectiveness and serves as a poor role model for others. This can take many forms, including behaviors where the leader stops building and nurturing relationships in the organization, stops paying attention to what is going on politically in the organization and in the industry, loses objectivity and focus by getting too much in the weeds of day-to-day business, or loses sight of their own needs. Any of these well-intentioned sacrifices can show up later as health problems or stress-related behaviors.

A leader who stops growing unintentionally decreases their value to the organization and its people. Giving up the time to recharge and create some white space in their schedules can result in tunnel vision, lack of innovation, and poor problem solving skills.

Helping Others Begins by Helping Yourself

Good leaders can be harder to help than bad leaders. When using standard measures, they can seem to be doing everything right. They are generally self aware and focused on meeting the needs of their people, and they generally have a successful track record. But that doesn’t mean they are as effective as they could be. With a little bit of extra help, by paying special attention to their unique problems, learning professionals can help good leaders continue to grow and build individual, team, and organization competency.

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Consequently, I am often the first person to stand shoulder to shoulder with the leader in assessing what is working well, and what isn’t, in their leadership function.

An example of this is a brilliant person I recently worked with who had quickly ascended the corporate ladder in her organization and now supervised a large group of people.  This leader was miserable, however, as were the people on her team.  Essentially, she always had loved being the smart one—but had never learned how to share that role.

As a result, she had fallen into some bad leadership habits, which included squashing the smarts of the folks on her team by hoarding information, micromanaging, and getting the last word.  Her efforts made her team feel insignificant and demoralized, and they were becoming passive and resentfully compliant.  How smart is that?

In my client’s defense, though, prior to my working with her the only professional feedback she had ever received was praise regarding her individual efforts to figure things out.  The concept that her entire team could shine brightly was unfathomable to her. My job as her coach was to ask her provocative questions to illuminate the discrepancy between where she was and where she really wanted to be.

The good news for her, and for her team, was her declaration to me that the discomfort of the current situation needed to end.  Through coaching, she saw that her new leadership position required not just the cultivation of new behaviors focused on developing others, but also an end to her old behaviors.  She was willing to stop behaving as the sole contributor, and she committed to start creating an environment to bring out the best in all of her team members.

How about you?  Are you still employing behaviors that served you in the past but now need to end?  What do you need to do—or stop doing—to get out of your own way?

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a large team of people. I am respected and know that I add value to the organization. Recently, however, my own manager has been giving me a lot of negative feedback. It seems that some people perceive me as cold, condescending, and unapproachable.

I am a little stunned at this since I really thought I had a good relationship with all of my people. I have convinced myself that my own manager is threatened by me and is trying to build a case to get rid of me. How can I know what is really going on here?  –What’s Going On? 

Dear What’s Going On,

This is a tough one. It can really throw you when negative feedback comes out of left field. I would encourage you to consider that your manager might actually have your best interests at heart, unless you have some prior evidence of ill will. Anything you do to increase your own awareness of your impact on others can only help you grow—both as a person and as a leader. If, in fact, your manager has it in for you, it will become clear over time and you can deal with it later. In the meantime, you have some options for dealing with this feedback. Here are a few ideas.

Self awareness is all about you. Begin by honestly examining your actual intentions as well as the impact your actions have as you navigate through your day.

• Do you judge others? Even if you don’t say anything, people can sense it if you have a negative opinion of them. You may not be hiding it as well as you think.
• Do you keep a neutral expression when you think someone has said something inappropriate? Or do you let it show? Even a raised eyebrow from a boss can cause a rush of adrenaline and cortisol—stress hormones—in a direct report. I worked with a lovely guy who used to roll his eyes at his people. He had no idea the negative affect this had on others—he thought it was funny. Individual contributors can get away with all kinds of behaviors that will need to be given up when they start managing others.
• Do you a have dry sense of humor and a sarcastic wit? Lucky and wonderful for your pals on your own time, but this kind of joking often doesn’t fly at work. What is hilarious to one person can be interpreted as snarly and mean to another. Notice if you make jokes at others’ expense and cut it out.
• On the other hand, if you are extremely serious and businesslike, that’s great in terms of staying focused and getting things done. However, many people need to feel a connection. It can be as simple as saying, “How is your day going?” or “How was your weekend?” and really listening to the answer. It can also be good to share a little bit about yourself. This is known in my business as “warming it up.” You don’t have to get a personality transplant—you just have to slow down a little and show you care.
• Just smile. This tip might be annoying or seem dumb, but it absolutely works with people who need this kind of feedback. Smile when you say hello. Smile when you say goodbye. Smile at people when they are talking in meetings. Try it.

Next, check in with others.

• Sit down with your manager and ask exactly what behavior changes would make a difference. Get concrete examples of what hasn’t been working and what would work better. Don’t get defensive by arguing or asking questions about who is tattling on you. Be prepared to manage your emotions and take notes in this conversation.
• In one on ones with each team member, tell the person you have received this feedback and are aware you need to change some of your behaviors. Ask their opinion about what you might be doing to make others feel negative toward you. Most people won’t tell you, but a couple of them will. Tell each person you are working on improving your behavior and ask them to hold you accountable by pointing out when you do something off-putting.

Seemingly negative feedback such as this from a manager can actually be a valuable gift. If you periodically self assess as well as solicit others’ perceptions of your working style, you will be a better, more self aware leader.

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Courage is a well-admired human trait; but when asked what courage is, what do you think of?

Is it a soldier, fighting a battle far from home against a fierce, unknown enemy?
What about a fire-fighting hero running in to save someone from a burning building?
Perhaps your imagination stretches to a fictional hero, rushing in to save the day?

All of these are an example of physical courage – someone’s life is in imminent danger, and our courageous hero puts everything right again.

But forget about your cape-wearing, pants-on the-outside, lycra-clad hero. What about normal, average people?  The British have a wonderful phrase for this: “The man on the Clapham Omnibus” – people going about their everyday business.
This could encompass individuals who blow the whistle on corporate corruption, at risk of losing their job; or – an example from one of my favourite books (Harper Lee’s “To Kill A Mockingbird”); a Lawyer, who stands up to defend someone who is innocent, even though society condemns them for doing so. Could these people be described as ‘courageous’?
In a word: yes!
The courage demonstrated by holding on to one’s own values – regardless of whether this is on the battlefield, or in the boardroom – is Moral Courage.
Lisa Dungate defines Moral Courage perfectly in her blog on Lions Whiskers, where she explains that: “Moral courage means doing the right thing, even at the risk of inconvenience, ridicule, punishment, loss of job or security or social status”.
Novelist, J.K. Rowling’s Harvard Commencement Speech for the Class of 2008 provides some moving examples. The  video of her speech, from TED.com, is 21 minutes long; but at 12 minutes she gives an emotional recollection of her time working at Amnesty International, with people who risked their own lives to speak out about the persecution, abuse, and torture taking place in their home lands.
Everyday moral courage often isn’t this extreme, but that does not mean that it is any easier to practice: moral courage might mean being different or disagreeing publicly.
As difficult as it is – displaying moral courage can earn respect, trust, and admiralty; and by practicing moral courage very day it gradually will become easier.
Let’s take moral courage away from the corporate setting, for a moment; and consider practicing in every day situations:

• You and your friends are deciding what movie to see, or where to get dinner, but you don’t like the choice they all prefer. Instead of going along silently, or pretending to agree, say, “Well, it wouldn’t be my first choice, but if you all like it, that’s OK with me.”
• One of your friends has gotten a tattoo, and everyone is admiring it, but you don’t like tattoos. Instead of letting everyone believe that you also think tattoos are really cool, have the courage to express a different view. “I’m glad you like his tattoo, but personally, I just don’t see the appeal.”

You don’t need to be being rude; or enforcing your own opinions on others, to demonstrate moral courage.
But, as professionals, how can we use these skills to make values-driven decisions consistently?
The Ivey Business Journal gives examples of moral courage in leadership: In August 2008, when Michael McCain, CEO of Maple Leaf Foods, stood in front of the press to accept responsibility for the contaminated meat scandal that resulted in numerous deaths, he undoubtedly needed courage.  Southwest Airlines CEO, James Parker, would have needed courage when he went against the industry job-slashing trend following 9/11 when he courageously announced that he would keep all employees
Why is moral courage important in leadership?
Moral courage is crucial in developing authenticity – it empowers individuals to discover and demonstrate what they stand for – even if this is at the disapproval of others. By developing self leadership through action in moral dilemmas, professionals and leaders can ensure both integrity and impact.
Actions speak louder than words.  Leaders at all levels need to act out their expectations, behave honestly and openly, and demonstrate loyalty. They need to establish and maintain open communications, so that those working with them know that their suggestions will be listened to – that they have a voice. People need to know that their leader isn’t going to act on a whim, just because it’s the majority decision. All of these qualities are facilitated by a leader who has courage.
Leaders with moral courage can be trusted by colleagues to do the right thing. It takes courage to tell the boss something that they do not necessarily want to hear; or to redirect an employee; or to make unpopular decisions.
An awareness of the importance of doing the right thing – which is not necessarily the popular thing – can help leaders demonstrate moral courage when they face ethical challenges in the workplace, and uphold ethical working environments and business standards.

Looking past the viral-oriented nature of this video, the main concept presented is critical for leadership. Thoughts, when attached to emotions other than sadness, generally have higher “infection” rates.

Thus, it is important to generate more emotion (hopefully positive and not anger-inducing) around messages that you want your direct reports to remember or share. It seems idea is lost at times in the data-driven world of today, where it’s more important to get across the numbers and metrics than it is to tell a story.
So communicate with feeling and generate positive emotions in your direct reports. Make the topic relevant to them. They will be more receptive to your messages and will remember them better. Let’s infect the world with the good germs to promote healthy thoughts.

Just don’t anger them… or you may end up on the wrong side of a thought germ!

• Mindfulness Meditation:  20 Reasons Why It’s Good For Your Mental and Physical Health
• UCSD Center for Mindfulness:  Recommended Reading
• Meditation on the go:  Best Smartphone Apps
• News and research on mindfulness practice:  www.mindful.org

Mind full, or mindful? The choice is yours.
About the Author: Sarah is a Professional Services Intern at The Ken Blanchard Companies. She is pursuing a Ph.D. in Consulting Psychology, and her research is based on mindfulness. Contact: sarah.maxwell@kenblanchard.com.

• “An idea or theory that is not proven but that leads to further study or discussion”
• “An assumption or concession made for the sake of argument”
• “A tentative assumption made in order to draw out and test the logical or empirical consequences”

Notice that a commonality across these definitions is the element of making an assertion for the purpose of verifying or validating it. A hypothesis is ground for further action; it is an antecedent and not an end result. Miscommunication is often attributable to misinterpretation, but we can avoid this fundamental error by noticing our assumptions and investigating them with a sense of openness and curiosity. The challenge in any interaction—whether your role is a coach, manager, advisor, teacher, peer, or friend—is to become truly curious about the other person’s experience so that testing our assumptions is an act of gaining clarity about that individual’s experience from their perspective rather than from our own.

Contrary to common belief, hypothesis testing is not a function of proving our theory, but rather it is a function of trying to uncover whatever truth exists. Yes, in scientific pursuits, we hope to furnish evidence in support of our hypothesis, but this is not the case in pursuits of human relations. True communication and connection with others requires humility and acceptance of the fact that our assertions and conclusions may be incorrect. If we are always hypothesizing then we must also be ever curious and open to alternatives, asking, “What else might explain this? What might I not be aware of?”
Thich Nhat Hanh (pronounced Tick-Naught-Han), is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, author, teacher, Zen Master, and Nobel Peace Prize nominee for his activism and advocacy of nonviolent solutions to conflict. You do not need to endorse Buddhist philosophy in order to appreciate Thich Nhat Hanh’s approachable writing style and germane messaging. In one of his seminal books, Being Peace, Thich Nhat Hanh uses the quote above to explain what is needed in order to achieve true understanding in communication. If we only seek to validate our own preconceived notions without acknowledging that our way of thinking might be flawed, then we will not be able to truly understand whatever we are facing.

Each interaction, each conversation, each moment of life is associated with some image in our minds. We create a story about that image, and Ansel Adams reminds us that we are not the only ones looking at our pictures. Others are involved in those interactions, conversations, and moments.  Two photographers can stand aside one another taking in the same landscape, but the images they see and capture through their lenses will be different depending on what and where they choose to focus. Two viewers may look upon the same photograph and see or describe it in very different ways depending upon their interpretation and the meaning they assign to what they see. It’s all about how you make sense of what you observe.

In the art of communication, the skilled performer is ever conscious that the image seen may not reflect the one captured, and the story created by the viewer may not match the one being projected by the sender. If you truly seek to understand another person’s point of view, you must be willing to see the world through their lens. Like photography and all fine arts, perspective-taking is a skill which is developed over time through diligent practice, keen observation, acute trial and error, and endless wonder about the natural world. You are always creating images and painting pictures from your own pallet of interpretation. How might someone else see it differently? What would it be like to view the world through another lens? What is the potential benefit and beauty of considering another point of view? What else might be present? What else could sharpen your image? What are you not seeing? In what other ways could this situation being conceptualized or understood?
Remember that you are always hypothesizing, so ask yourself, “what am I not yet aware of?”

About the Author: Sarah is a Professional Services Intern at The Ken Blanchard Companies. She is pursuing a Ph.D. in Consulting Psychology, and her research is based on mindfulness. Contact: sarah.maxwell@kenblanchard.com.
Image Credit: 1, 2, 3, 4